#i had to drop a lot of connections when i moved so i have 0 tags for anyone dfgdh

[mundmutter]

would you like a tag? :>

[anodymalion]

Oh man oh man I just saw an Outer Wilds fanart done in the style of a tarot card and I had to immediately drop everything I was doing to think through what an all-Outer-Wilds version of the major arcana would be. I think I have it, it's under the read more because it's long and also there are major major spoilers (unsurprisingly).

0. The Fool: The Hatchling This one is easy. The hatchling is at the beginning of their journey, stepping into the unknown.

1. The Magician: Pye Bringing intention and direction, choosing a path, and channeling cosmic power - yeah I think Pye of “science compels us to explode the sun” fame fits this pretty perfectly.

2. The High Priestess: The Nomai Statues Ok, I kinda struggled with this one, but I think it works. Hidden knowledge, dealing with the mind, the subsconscious vs conscious, veils between worlds. The statues are mysterious and they transmit your knowledge to your previous selves. That fits decently well and also I don’t have a better idea.

3. The Empress: Timber Hearth Ok, I really struggled with this one. I’m going for the themes of creation, life, nature, and nurturing by choosing Timber Hearth since it is literally where life in the solar system grew. I'm not happy with this but whatever.

4. The Emperor: The Vault Authority, establishment, control to the point of domination. They sealed the Prisoner in the vault for defying the system. Plus the Vault looks cool and imposing so we have that going for us.

5. The Hierophant: Solanum Connecting to the past, passing on wisdom, initiation into a spiritual practice (aka reaching the QM). Yeah this is Solanum.

6. The Lovers: Nomai Graveyard (Emotional damage pt 1) I’m so so sorry but it works so well. What says love besides holding your friends close as you all asphyxiate to death?

7. The Chariot: Your Ship Maybe this one is a little too literal but I still think it fits. Determination and drive, knowing where you want to go, overcoming obstacles. Also it's literally your ship. It works.

8. Strength: Chert I’m going to be honest.... Chert is here because they were the only traveler that didn’t have a card that clearly fit, and I couldn’t leave only them out when I gave all the other travelers cards, and I didn’t have another idea for what Strength should be. Hand-wavy explanation: view Strength as getting to the core of confronting your fear and anger and pain and coming out the other side, and, well, Chert having a existential breakdown and then coming to a place of calm acceptance about the inevitability of death sort of… fits…. look just pretend this one makes sense and let’s move along quickly -

9. The Hermit: Feldspar Self-explanatory. The literal solitude, yeah, but also Feldspar is this mentor figure who guides you on your journey, and is apparently happy to just sit and chill in the nightmare hell that is Dark Bramble. It works.

10. The Wheel of Fortune: The Advanced Warp Core in the ATP Change, fate, turning points, cycles - and the breaking of cycles. This is another easy one.

11. Justice: The Prisoner There are a lot of ways you can interpret this. You have the Prisoner defying their society’s rules in an attempt to do what is right, and the strangers believing they were dispensing justice by imprisoning them but actually causing harm. The more I think about this one the more I like it.

12. The Hanged Man: Gabbro Another easy one. Taking a pause to rest, passivity, acceptance, independence, seeing things differently. Plus you even get the literal imagery of them hanging on the hammock, floating in zero-g. This is a slam dunk.

13. Death: The skull + flower from the Strangers’ visions of the Eye Letting go to allow the world to change and let new things grow is literally what this vision is about. Plus it’s a skull! I mean it’s right there.

14. Temperance: Riebeck Steadiness, moderation, plus the duality of Riebeck being terrified of space but still choosing to go out into it.

15. The Devil: The Eye Signal Blocker Destruction, complicity in oppression, avoiding accountability, confronting fear (or avoiding doing so). Oh yeah I’m so on board with this being the Eye Signal Blocker.

16. The Tower: The Interloper (Emotional damage part 2). The destruction of the status quo, disaster, tragedy, upheaval. There is no question here.

17. The Star: The Eye Searching for purpose, navigating a path, themes of renewal. Plus it even kinda has a star-like shape. It’s the Eye.

18. The Moon: The Quantum Moon Look, sometimes the literal choice works. Mystery, secrets, illusions? Yeah, that’s QM alright.

19. The Sun: The Sun Who could have seen this one coming??? ….The thing is… the meaning of the tarot Sun card absolutely doesn’t match the purpose the sun plays in Outer Wilds. But there is nothing else that could be the sun. It’s the sun!

20. Judgement: The Campfire in the Starry Forest Facing yourself, facing the truth, acceptance, ultimately letting go so that you can reach the end. Yeah.

21. The World: The Big Bang The end, and the beginning.

[cursedvibes]

My JJK Arc Ranking

Culling Game (ch 159-221) + Baka Survivor (ch 239-243)

Perfect Preparation (ch 144-158)

Itadori's Extermination (ch 137-143)

Death Painting (ch 55-64)

Shibuya Incident (ch 79-136)

Vs Mahito (ch 19-31)

Fearsome Womb (ch 1-18)

Hidden Inventory (ch 65-79)

Shinjuku Showdown (ch 222-262+)

Kyoto Goodwill Event (ch 32-54)

Cursed Child (Vol 0)

Note that this is my personal ranking of which arcs I like the most and least, not any objective statement. Like for example, I think Hidden Inventory is well-written, but it doesn't interest me much, that's why it's further towards the bottom.

With the manga drawing to a close, I thought I'd write down my thoughts about what we've gotten so far and what I like or don't like in the different arcs.

Culling Game

Starting at #1 with the Culling Game Arc. It's where my interest in the story really picked up and I got invested to the point of bothering to write analyses, dig into the lore and historical background and even start writing fanfiction. Culling Game is the meat of the story, where we got introduced to new important lore of characters, further explored their themes and connected dots that had been set up before. It is sort of a lul after the big climax of the Shibuya Incident, but I think that's also what was needed here, since this is more of a section where Gege takes time to explore concepts and characters further. Shibuya is a big payoff for the first part of the story and Culling Game builds on that, it establishes a level ground for the last part of the story. Characters like Yuuji and Maki for example found themselves fundamentally changed after Shibuya and used this time to find their footing again and try to create a new way for themselves to move forward. In Yuuji's case he had to do it twice even with the massive turn of not being Sukuna's vessel anymore aka having his role, purpose and ideal death taken from him. He catches himself relatively quickly though.

Also this arc just had a lot of moments I really like, actually most of my favourite moments in jjk happen here. Like Kenjaku calling Yuuji their son, Yuuji's fight against Higuruma, Maki's awakening, Noritoshi reconciling with his mother having a new family, Kenjaku & Uraume rolling up to the White House, the Yuki vs Kenjaku fight, the Heian trio spa day, Yorozu's backstory, Kenjaku and Tengen getting Sukuna's mummy and much more. The fights were for the most part also great. You always took something new away and I liked how we were slowly spoon-fed information about the Culling Game and Kenjaku's plans. Almost every chapter had something to pick apart and even with the cycle through the colonies there was always tension because you didn't know what this would all lead to. Even when the protagonists were doing well, things could change at the drop of a dime. There was a false sense of security. The main group got a little bit of control only to have it ripped away when they least expected it.

Baka Survivor

I put the Baka Survivor arc up here as well because while it might technically be during the Shinjuku Showdown, I thought it was so far removed from the fight against Sukuna that it's reasonable to see it as its own mini-arc. Plus, I think this section is a lot better than the majority of the Shinjuku Showdown. It's like Gege took some time to play around and write what was fun to them, the stuff they actually want to write. The end was a bit...meh. Mainly because of the context of this fight and Kenjaku's larger role in the story, especially what Kenjaku's death this early would mean (or not mean...) for Yuuji. Yuuta's integration here was also very weak because while he might have reasons to go after Kenjaku that were a little bit explored (although I think you could've done way more with it than just "wants to do it for Gojo" after all a big theme of this fight was connecting with other people and building friendships/partnerships, which is something closely related to Yuuta's character), he was absolutely irrelevant from Kenjaku's perspective. You could've put anyone in his place and it wouldn't have changed anything from Kenjaku's point of view. Well, maybe if you put Yuuji there, but Gege was clearly not interested in exploring their relationship like that....

Anyway, I have raved about this arc a lot on my blog already, but in summary I absolutely love how we explore both Kenjaku and Takaba further, compare them and their understanding of comedy/curiosity and how both of them struggle to open up to others, show their real self and make themselves vulnerable. I especially think that this was actually thematically a very nice end for Kenjaku. They indulge in what they really want, have fun without the need of excessive cruelty (although there was violence from both of them) and they allowed themselves to connect with someone else again and make a friend. Chasing after their superficial goals of merging humanity they lost their closest friend, Tengen, were thrown into doubt and Takaba both offered himself as an alternative and pulled them further away from their insane ideas. Best thing about it is that Kenjaku went for it! They got caught up in the comedy with Takaba, they paid the price for allowing themselves such a close relationship with someone else and lowering their guard, and they still didn't regret it. In fact they were glad they spend their time before their death with Takaba and finally having fun. Of course the merger plan continues, they can't just let Tengen die with them or fall into the protagonists hands and it is too late for Tengen to change back anyway, but I absolutely love Kenjaku's character development here. Just remains to be seen how Takaba will leave this fight and how he will react to having once again lost a partner.

Perfect Preparation

Really like this arc for all the new lore we get as well as emotional chapters like the Zenin massacre and Yaga's death. The introduction of Hakari and Kirara was fun too, but the highlight for me is definitely the meeting with Tengen and Maki's massacre. Ch 145 and 146 might be in the top 5 of the chapters I have reread most often. You always find something new there and there's so much about the relationship between Tengen, the Star Plasma Vessels and the six eyes to take apart, particularly with later reveals like Yuki also being a Star Plasma Vessel. Those two chapters were also what first really got me more interested in Kenjaku and their history with Tengen. It's when it becomes apparent just how much Kenjaku has planned and arranged over the past millennium and it also raises even more questions of why Tengen never mentioned them before and how Kenjaku could stay undercover for so long.

Then we of course also have the Zenin massacre. I like how it starts with giving us some clan politics. I love that shit. Wish we got something similar for the Kamo and Gojo, but oh well. Maki's meeting with her mother when she goes for the weapon storage is already pretty chilling, but it's even better when you see her mother go from "why can't you make me proud of you for once?" to "I'm glad I gave birth to you". Shows how much she suffered under the Zenin as well, despite playing by their rules. Too bad she only came to the conclusion to treat her kids decently when it was already too late. Maki also only found out her mother did care about her and was the one to finish off Naoya when she was already dead. Just like her reunion and clearing conversation with Mai, it all happens just a little too late and that's what makes it so wonderfully tragic.

Also shout-out to Yaga's death scene. I've come to appreciate it much more recently and I particularly like seeing him together with all the other autonomous cursed corpses he keeps hidden away and the hints of the friendship he has with Kusakabe.

Itadori's Extermination

Honestly, I mostly like this arc for its atmosphere. It's one of the instances where you feel the most just how much destruction, chaos and desolation Shibuya and the start of the Culling Game caused. The main characters roaming the streets all split up and sleeping by campfires, the broken buildings and civilians hunting for scraps of food, curses praying on desperate humans...it's great. Wish we got more of that later on, but I only really got a similar feeling when the foreign armies attacked.

And of course we get the fateful Itadori flashback here. I don't know how many hours I spend looking at those two pages and taking the dialogue apart. Just two pages and I've become utterly obsessed by this weird family. Also the first time we see Kenjaku in a vessel that is not Geto, so that's extra nice.

I remember also really liking Yuuta's reintroduction when the chapters first came out. He looked so much worse than in Vol 0, so that was really intriguing. Bit disappointed there wasn't more conflict and it turned out he looks like shit because...well, that's just his look now. Still good arc.

Death Painting

I like this one because it's where Yuuji, Nobara and Megumi feel most like a team going on a mission and solving a mystery. Especially the opening of it, with weird paranormal events that remind you of classic Japanese horror stories is really nice and always manages to draw me in. Kinda wish there were more missions like that just for the sake of atmosphere, even though I don't think the story necessarily needs it. Seeing Mahito and Kenjaku capture a civilian man, strip him, nail him to a wall and then feed him a cursed fetus was also insane. Never get tired of watching/reading that no matter if it's the manga or anime. Vol 7 was the first jjk volume I ever bought and I remember how striking it was to open the book and start with that scene. Gave me chills.

I also love the entire fight with Eso and Kechizu. One because I just like their characters and getting introduced to the background of the Death Painting's existence was interesting, but I also really enjoyed Yuuji and Nobara's dynamic here and their talk about what it means to kill.

Shibuya Incident

Really good arc and what made me more interest in how jjk would continue when I first read the manga, but rereading it there are definitely some fights and scenes that really drag for me and I end up skipping whenever I read it again or when I watched S2. Like all the curse users working for Kenjaku that ended up being entirely irrelevant. The backstory of Ogami and the guy with the big eyes was nice because it gave us an insight into what the life of regular curse users (not big hitters like Geto or Kenjaku) is actually like and how society changed when Gojo was born. That's some world building I very much appreciate. Aside from that all the curse users are very forgettable though. There's a reason I only remember Ogami's name and none of the others'. Some other stuff also just comes down to character preferences like I'm not that interested in what Nanami or Ino were up to and Toji was also...eh. Nice, but I'm not losing my mind over it. Nanami's death scene is great though. I mostly love Shibuya for its later stages. Yuuji's fight against Mahito, how seeing his friends and civilians die through his inaction makes him breakdown, how his world view changes over the course of fighting Mahito and their scene at the end when the roles of predator and prey are reversed. Kenjaku's entrance and explanation of their plan and what was to come is also very interesting and probably the part I reread most in this arc.

Vs Mahito

I gotta say I do really like Junpei's story and his developing friendship with Yuuji. Yuuji's first few encounters with Mahito are great as well. It's nice seeing them get to know each other and seeing the inciting incidents that cause both of them to gradually get more and more obsessed with killing the other. I also really appreciate this arc for giving us some of those slower scenes that are just focused on Mahito, the curse family or Mahito & Junpei talking philosophy. Mahito is a quite fascinating character even in his simplistic cruelty and here you can also see the most just how horrific, but also intriguing, Idle Transfiguration is. This arc has one of the best horror in jjk and I appreciate the anime for emphasizing the comparisons to the Human Centipede movies and human experimentation even further. It's really close between this and Shibuya Incident. I just ended up putting Shibuya higher because when it hits, it hits hard and I still like the high points it has more than the Vs Mahito arc. Still appreciate the groundwork this arc laid for Shibuya to be as impactful as it was.

Hidden Inventory

Like I said in the beginning, I do think this arc is well-written and I think it's a great way to flesh out Gojo and Geto's characters as well as give us more world building and establish the background presence of Tengen and the connection of the Star Plasma Vessel and six eyes to her. I'm also convinced that what we learn here about the Time Vessel Association and the cults that build around Tengen will become relevant again when we get to the Heian flashback and Sukuna's/Tengen's/Kenjaku's backstory. Still have that "Kenjaku created the Time Vessel Association in the Nara period" theory in the back of my mind. This lore is also the main thing I like about this arc. Don't get me wrong, Gojo and Geto's struggles and change in mindset is nice too, but I don't care much about Gojo and don't like Geto, so I ended up focusing more on everything around them. Including Riko. I find her story, the way she grew up and her inevitable death very interesting. Episode 3 of season 2 is still my favourite episode of the season of maybe even the entire anime because it's just that beautiful and I love how they added to the themes of her character by connecting her to the ocean. The inside of the Tomb of Stars is also so eery and entrancing, I could soak in that atmosphere forever. The only reason it's so low is because a lot of this arc is dedicated to Gojo and Geto and their relationship etc. While that is absolutely necessary and was very well done, it's not something I'm much interested in.

Fearsome Womb

Start of the series. It's really those first few chapters and the mission at the detention centre I like about it. It's where you see Yuuji still quite naive and ready to play the hero. I am very interested in his life before joining Jujutsu Tech and when he first got introduced to jujutsu, so this is always nice to revisit and see how he acted before he was forced to become a seasoned sorcerer very quickly. Those glimpses of how Yuuji was always a bit of a loner and also extraordinary from the start due to Kenjaku's meddling. Knowing his family background makes these scenes now even more interesting. His mentality back then is also what makes the moment in the detention centre so special, where he realizes Sukuna isn't Kurama and won't be a convenient power source for him. He could die if he is careless (which he is, of course, he never dealt with anything like this before) and he is scared of it.

Besides that, I also like the introduction of Kenjaku and the curses, how chill it is and how you see them walking among regular citizens undetected by anyone. I think that's especially a fitting introduction to Kenjaku's character. They are unassuming in the beginning of the series, easy to overlook next to flashy Mahito and Jogo, but that's how they have always been throughout history and it's part of the reason for why they never drew much attention besides the Death Painting experiment, which wasn't directly linked to them. Of course Tengen covering for them was the other big reason.

Overall, nice start into the series, even if some parts are a bit slow and don't animate me much to reread them.

Shinjuku Showdown

Shinjuku Showdown fights on a reread do merge well into each other, but it's undeniable that they are very formulaic. Yuuta starts out the same way Higuruma does. Talking about regrets, giving his all, how he has to end everything with a technique only he can use and then he gets cut down. Same with Maki, Kusakabe, Miguel and Larue. It is all the same. We are currently literally watching a slight reshuffle of the fight that started this arc.

Parallel we learn more about Yuuji's new abilities and Sukuna has to gradually exert more force. Technically a good thing, but it's all so repetitive that it loses more and more of it's emotional impact for me. If there is any emotional impact at all. Eventually it just becomes explaining of cursed technique after cursed technique that won't work anyway with minimal depth otherwise. Things get a bit better when most people have been cut away and we start focusing on Yuuji and Sukuna, but by that point I'm already so tired by everything that came before that I can't get that hyped about it and just want a complete change of pace that breaks all rules that have been set up and introduces something completely new. Like the merger for example... Although I have to say, Kashimo's fight might be my favourite still out of the bunch. Has a lot to do with my particular interest and what I'm looking for in a fight. It was short, but we got a nice wrap-up for Kashimo's character, learned more about the Heian era, explored the theme of love and strength and got what is so far one of the deepest looks at Sukuna's philosophy and mindset.

Besides that, on the reread, by the time Kusakabe's fight happens I'm catching myself only skimming the pages. It doesn't help that there's not much initiative happening from Sukuna's side besides the very recent chapters. He's just waiting for others to do something, which lowers the perception of any imminent threat from him. The later half (before Yuuta showed up again) isn't as bad as the Gojo vs Sukuna fight, but I'm still having a hard time staying invested while reading it. Gojo vs Sukuna 2.0 pretty much tanked my interest again. Every week I'm shaking Sukuna to just spit out his backstory already and release Tengen because that's the only thing I care about at this point and I'm bored of this fight. But again, my opinion, others likely feel otherwise.

Kyoto Goodwill Event

Was a bit tempted to put it above Shinjuku Showdown, but at the end of it Shinjuku Showdown still has some scenes I really like, like Kashimo's fight, Yuuji fighting Sukuna and the Sukuna, Uraume and Kenjaku scenes in ch 222. That's more than what I could say for Kyoto Goodwill Event. I don't necessarily dislike it. It doesn't really have any moments that bother me as much as the ones in Shinjuku Showdown, but at the same time nothing in this arc really stands out to me or catches my interest. Often I end up forgetting about it entirely. There's not really much to say about it because I don't have any strong feelings about this one. Not really something I reread unless I'm looking for some very specific information.

Cursed Child

When I first read Vol 0 (right before the Death Painting arc) I thought it was a concept story for jjk. The infant stage of it before Gege made the proper story. Sort of like the original chapter of Naruto where he's actually a fox spirit. Interesting to read to see where jjk started, but not tied to canon. That's also why I didn't question Geto acting very different here. I just though "wow, they made his character way less aggravating". So yeah, Vol 0 is really not something I find interesting or enjoy and I think the writing in it is quite rough. I didn't find Yuuta very compelling. He's an obvious Shinji rip-off, which wouldn't be that bad in itself except I don't find his personality that interesting and him pulling powers out of his ass without any of them being set up prior made me really dislike him. He can just copy techniques now and use them much better than the original person because he's just that overpowered. Who knows how he learned about any of this, who knows what the limitations to any of his powers are, he can apparently just do anything and that makes his fights not very thrilling because there aren't really any stakes. He also has barely any connection to the villain of this arc except that he happens to kill people Yuuta cares about. Geto's ideology is entirely irrelevant. Geto could've said he's killing people because he wants to turn them into Christmas decoration and the fight would've happened the same way. I think putting an ideologically-driven villain against someone whose only care is that his friends are alive and who has also not even the experience to judge if anything Geto says is justified wasn't a very good move. Centring Gojo and Geto's conflict would've been better and also showing us literally anything that would make it possible for us to judge if any of Geto's complaints are justified, if he's talking about real problems. Just going by Vol 0, we don't know that. We can only tell that the bullshit he spouts is an allegory for white supremacy/racism, which obviously is bad. But on it's own it seems like he's just spouting bigotry for bigotry's sake, which doesn't make for a very compelling villain, especially if the rest of the characters and setting don't fit his attitude. Nobody can ever even bring themselves to say something like "genocide bad, eugenics bad". They just don't engage with what he's saying and if that's the case, then why bring it up in the first case. It makes Geto's antics even more unnecessary. On its own it's really not that good of a story and since it's a oneshot with initially no guaranteed sequel, I would expect a bit more.

All that being said, the first time I read Vol 0 I was very annoyed and glad I followed it up with the Death Painting arc, something which is much better written and more up my alley. If Vol 0 was my first exposure to jjk, I don't think I would've continued reading. Having more context from Hidden Inventory fleshes at least out what Gojo and Geto have going on, but my complaints about Yuuta and his lack of meaningful relation to Geto and what he stands for still makes me dislike this arc.

[loving-n0t-heyting]

If it’s not too personal, can I ask about your experience with antipsychotics and why they didn’t work for you? And general opinions? I was considering them really hard but I’m very wary and don’t want to take something that isn’t like. Worth stopping hallucinations. I guess.

Definitely. Somewhat tmi at parts, below the readmore

So i should say upfront that I am not psychotic and was not prescribed antipsychotics for psychosis, and the medications on reflection achieved basically nothing for me beyond their “side” effects; so I can’t speak directly to the comparative badness of hallucinations and antipsychotics (though there are many, many psychotic ppl you can easily find who will attest the cure is worse than the disease, and I have promised myself on the basis of my own experiences not to seek out medication even in the event I start undergoing serious hallucinations—it’s just that bad ime). This is the sort of thing that happens in psychiatry bc the entire discipline is half-submerged in the equivalent of bloodletting and humours-balancing

My own experience is principally with “extrapyramidal” symptoms: akathisia, dystonia, and a weird symptom I have not found attested in the literature that tended to co-occur with dystonia where I would desperately seek out circles in my field of vision. Akathisia was the worst of these (followed by the circle lust and then dystonia—tho they were all torture), and it went away after 6wk on lurasidone, but would start up again from 0 if I dropped the meds for more than a few days and then picked them back up. I experienced a brief respite from suicidality when I started the drug, which at the time I chalked up to efficacy, but looking back was more plausibly just akathisia painfully draining so much of my attention to itself I could not even contemplate suicide. Propranolol helped mitigate it, but only partially. You can find a lot of claims on the internet to the effect that akathisia is torture (the wiki article even includes citations for the claim it was used as such against political dissidents in the USSR), and they are right

The other two were also quite awful, developed only some time into my taking them, usually occurred together by the end, and persisted until I quit the drugs altogether; I am told from a nurse that inducing dystonia over the course of years is known to cause permanent neurological disability, which I was lucky to escape. My particular brand was “oculogyric crises” every 2-3 nights lasting ~5-7h, in which my eyes would roll painfully far back into my head virtually uncontrollably, taking a Herculean effort to move at all, at which time I would suffer from horrifying intrusive thoughts and lose my ability to speak clearly and without needless repetition. I could go into great detail about the circle lust, too, but suffice it to say it was miserable and incapacitating to the point that unlocking my phone became a struggle (too distracted by the circles in the numbers on the keypad to focus on entering the passcode)

At some points the drugs I used to treat these symptoms were almost as bad as the side effects themselves. Cogentin was the only one to really stop the dystonia, and even at a low dose it caused urinary retention that forced me to go to the ER to get a catheter installed so I could walk around for the next several days with a tube connecting my bladder thru my urethra to a bag of piss strapped to my leg. After that, I had to start relying on increasingly large doses of Benadryl to achieve a lower level of dystonia suppression; I did not reach the point of the drug’s notoriously bad trips, but I was running the risk

I was lucky enough to avoid the cognitive blunting also known to commonly affect antipsychotics druggies but that was dumb luck on my part, and they sound both nightmarish and fiendishly self-obscuring. Check out robnost’s category tag in the link

In conclusion, I would strongly urge you to seriously question whether the hallucinations are bad enough to be worth it, especially in light of the drugs’ tenuous levels of long term effectiveness . I think categorical denunciations of drugs are generally most likely to shut down thought one way or the other, but this comes as close as anything could for me I think. I would urge particular caution getting them prescribed by a professional embedded in a system capable of forcing compliance if at some point you abandon compliance of your own accord: involuntary confinement and drugging are very much realities for the psychotic and otherwise seriously mentally ill

Good luck, whatever path you decide on. I’m sorry the hallucinations are giving you trouble

[whump-card]

Sunless Lives Part 25: I Will Wait

~1580 words

CW: drugging, noncon undressing, nonsexual nudity, noncon touch, medical whump, forced institutionalization, ED mention, negative self-talk

First, Previous, Next, Masterlist

~~~

DR MANDAL: I’d like to know how you like the staff and faculty here so far.

M BECK: Oh, they’re great. Everyone’s been wonderful.

DR MANDAL: No trouble at all?

M BECK: None.

DR MANDAL: That’s good to hear. What about the other patients, do you like your roommates?

M BECK: Sure, they’re alright.

DR MANDAL: No issues?

M BECK: We all wake up with nightmares, so it’s not like it’s fair to complain about that.

DR MANDAL: So no issues, but do you like them?

M BECK: I think so. I think everyone here hates themselves so much, it’s hard to connect with other people.

DR MANDAL: That’s very observant. Would you include yourself in that?

[0:26]

M BECK: Yeah.

~~~

The intake process was terrifying. Whatever drugs he’d been given had worn off enough for Simon to be awake, but not enough for him to resist as he was manhandled by orderlies out of the car and into a hulking rock of a building - the title of Fort wasn’t just for show. He didn’t have much time to look before he was inside, lifted onto a gurney and wheeled through a dizzying maze of hallways and into a cold room. Broad-shouldered orderlies leaned over him, and started taking off his clothes. One unzipped his coat, while another sat him up. The coat was jerked over his shoulders and off, and dropped unceremoniously on the floor. Then his turtleneck was peeled off, his arms gripped and guided by strong hands. He whimpered and flinched when they touched his skin directly for the first time, and he distantly registered a laugh. His upper half was dropped back onto the gurney and they set to work on his lower half. Someone pulled off his boots and socks while someone else started unbuttoning his jeans. This sent a shock of panic through Simon, he wanted to tell them to stop, but he couldn’t form the words. He couldn’t form coherent thoughts either, instead his head was overtaken by wordless waves of fear and shame and embarrassment as they pulled his pants and underwear down. A hand briefly grabbed his ass but Simon couldn’t tell if it was on purpose or not. Tears slipped out and ran down his temple and into his ear. He couldn’t even move to brush them away, much less stop anything that was happening. Someone whistled when his thighs were revealed.

“Bloodbag.”

“Yup.”

“Fuckin’ idiot.”

A vague figure ran a hand over his ribs.

“ED watch?”

“Probably.”

“I’ll be deciding that.”

The orderlies backed off, and a gray-haired man in a doctor’s coat took over, briskly taking Simon’s vitals and shining lights in his eyes, ears, and mouth. He manually pulled at Simon’s eyelids and jaw himself, and didn’t address Simon as he worked. Then, Simon could only lie there and watch as the worst happened: the doctor received a camera from an orderly and started taking pictures. His face. His scars. The bites. The flash of the camera left Simon blinded and dazed. The doctor barked at the orderlies to flip him over and Simon heard the camera click as he captured his backside as well. Then he was dropped onto his back again, a sheet was thrown over his lower half, and the room was suddenly quiet and empty.

His head flopped to the side on the thin padding of the gurney, mouth agape. Tears and drool slowly leaked out, out of his control. He felt disgusting. Violated. Scared. This had to be some sort of mistake. There was no way Chris would send him to someplace like this. Your boss and your friends were so very worried, Kelly had said - Gina, Amber, and Devon had had a hand in this as well. He needed to talk to Chris. This all had to be some horrible misunderstanding. It had to be.

He wanted Matthew.

He wanted to go home.

Maybe you made a mistake.

Simon drifted in and out of consciousness for a while, but was finally brought back by his stomach growling loudly. He’d lost a lot of his appetite over the last month, but even he could only go so long without eating. He found he could move his arms, and legs, and even slowly sit up. He discovered some thin, scratchy clothes folded at his feet: a long sleeved t-shirt and elastic-waisted pants, both a sickly shade of green, and started the laborious process of putting them on. He felt sick, dizzy, cold, and hungry, and his limbs moved half a second slower than he wanted them to. He had just pulled up the pants and was standing unsteadily against the gurney when the door opened. He flinched back, grabbing the gurney for support. The large redheaded orderly that entered looked him up and down.

“McKenna?”

“Yes?” Simon breathed.

“With me.” He stepped aside and held the door open. Simon tentatively scooted through under his gaze.

“Where-?”

“Left,” the man ordered.

Simon started walking to the left down the hall, but his legs wobbled under him and he staggered into the wall. The large man caught his upper arm, gripping it hard enough to bruise, and dragged him along.

“That hurts, you’re hurting me,” Simon pleaded. No response. “Where are we going?” Nothing. They passed by more doors and under more fluorescent lights, as well as beady-eyed cameras mounted in high corners. The surveillance reminded Simon of Lara’s house, and his heart pounded. He stumbled to keep up. “I haven’t had anything to eat since yesterday, can -”

The orderly abruptly stopped and slammed Simon into the wall, pinning him there with an arm across his chest that knocked all the air out of Simon’s lungs.

“Don’t ask me for shit,” he growled, “Don’t ask anyone for shit, just do what you’re told, and shut the fuck up.”

Simon nodded, gasping for air. The orderly held him there for a long, threatening moment, clearly enjoying the power trip. Then it was back to being dragged.

After a few more confusing turns, they passed through a heavy security door and into an open room with round tables and scattered chairs, occupied by a handful of other people in the same green outfits as Simon. Orderlies were dotted around the room, observing as patients drew in coloring books and played checkers. It reeked of mildew and sick. Cameras stared from every corner.

“Don’t make any friends,” the redhead whispered in his ear, and released his arm. Simon staggered a couple steps forward, clutching at his aching bicep. Some of the other patients turned in their seats to watch him with languid curiosity.

Simon hugged himself tightly, breathing fast. He didn’t know what the orderly’s warning meant. He didn’t know what to do. He looked around the room in desperation and his heart leapt when he saw the back of someone in pink scrubs - a nurse, not a patient or orderly. The pink reminded him of Tammy at the clinic, and how kind she’d been. He wove through the tables to where she was talking to another patient.

“Excuse me,” Simon tapped her on the shoulder, “I just got here, I don’t know what’s going on, can you help me?”

She turned around slowly, her thin eyebrows high.

“Okay, number one, do not touch the faculty or staff,” she lectured.

“Oh, sorry, I -”

She snapped her hand closed in front of his face.

“Ah-ah! I don’t want to hear it. Who did your intake?”

“I didn’t - I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? Do you know your room number?”

“N-no.”

 She huffed.

“Fine, I’ll look everything up for you. What’s your name, do you at least know that?”

“Simon. McKenna.”

“Thank you.” She strode away, ponytail bouncing, and exited through a security door that she opened with a keycard. Simon watched her go, pressing his knuckles to his mouth.

“That’s Linda,” said the patient she had been talking with - a very tall, very skinny man hunched over a hand of cards. Two others sat opposite him, an older man with a significant tremor and a boy younger than Simon, barely an adult.

“You don’t want to mess with her. I’m Chett, you wanna play cards with us?” the skinny man twanged, and grinned black and yellow teeth in an eerily familiar way that made Simon shrink back.

“S-sorry, no thank you,” he stammered.

“C’mon, sweet little thing like you needs friends!” Chett cajoled, but Simon was already backing away. He found a mercifully empty table and slouched down in the slippery plastic chair to wait for Linda. His heart thrummed and his eyes darted around the room at the other patients still giving him sidelong glances. None of them looked particularly friendly. The orderlies, on the other hand, looked downright hostile. They were all large men, some even larger than Matthew, and they glowered down over the patients like a bank of storm clouds.

Matthew. Simon felt tears spring to his eyes again. Hopefully wherever Matthew was sent was better than this. He put his head down on the table, sheltering under his arms. His mind replayed his last moments with Matthew. Their last kiss.

I’ll come get you.

Only a little while.

It’ll be okay.

You fucking idiot.

Regret started to bubble up in his stomach.

Shouldn’t have gone to the clinic.

He winced at the thought. Matthew, the real Matthew, was back and alive, and he was regretting that?

Worthless.

You deserve to be here.

~~~

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Taglist: @flowersarefreetherapy, @pigeonwhumps, @sunshiline-writes, @seasaltandcopper

[lacefuneral]

hi!!! i love for custom blog theme,, do you have a link to the code or creator 0:?

ya!

so my theme is actually a heavily modified version of redux edit #1 by lopezhummel (current url: holyaura). i always remind users that most tumblr themes are old and that you'll need to replace all instances of "http://" in the code with "https://" so tumblr will save the theme. i had to do it with this one

these are the modifications i made to the theme. i edited this theme over the course of at least a year or so and don't quite recall how i did all of these things. but to the best of my ability:

i moved the "left side img" to the right side of the screen. i also made this element "responsive" so the image will never get cropped when you resize your screen. this was a bitch and a half to figure out and i truthfully do not remember how i did it

i deleted the text in the drop-down navigation so it appears as a little line that is otherwise not noticeable. this type of theme, the "redux edit," used to be very popular because having a drop-down menu let you cram a bunch of links that lead to sub-pages on your blog. i've done away with my sub-pages, but i still like the format of the "redux style" tumblr theme, for its minimal UI and for its customization options.

i separated my mobile description from my web description for formatting reasons. basically, most elements in tumblr themes are connected to specific text fields and toggles. i simply went to the section that was connected to my blog description and deleted it. the web description has to be manually typed inside of the CSS/HTML editor when i want to change it. whereas my mobile description is whatever i type in the "description" box of the normal tumblr theme editors.

i added code someone else made ("NoPo" by drannex42 on GitHub) which allows you to hide posts with certain tags on them. i did this to hide my pinned post, as it looks bad on desktop.

i replaced the tiny pagination arrows at the bottom with images that literally say "next" and "back" because the arrows were far too small/illegible. i know they aren't centered in the container i'm not sure how to fix that lol

i added a cursor

i installed a working music box ("music player #3" by glenthemes), and then added music by uploading MP3 files to discord and then using the links of those files as the audio sources. iirc i also had to make this element responsive and i aligned it so it would sit on the left side of my screen. i made the "album art" for each one the same strawberry pixel art

the moth is just a PNG i added and then moved around so it was behind my sidebar using the options that came pre-packaged with the theme

if you want something like the strawberry shortcake decoration at the top (called "banner" in the theme) your best bet is to google "pixel divider"

theme didn't support favicon so i added that in so i could have a little heart

ALSO:

this theme is. really weird about backgrounds. any background that i have ever set for it, i've had to do weird shit in photoshop. like making the background HUGE, mirroring it, etc. - because it would crop the image weird, or there would be a gap where there was no image. idk man, it's haunted. i'm sure there's a way to fix this but i am NOT tech savvy enough. anyway, patterns are probably your best friend. and if you DO want something that isn't a pattern, it's going to take a lot of trial and error. but i love this theme so i deal with it 😭

the sidebar image and the floating image do not scale. if your image is 1000 pixels, it will display at 1000 pixels. you'll either have to edit the code so that the theme scales the image for you, or resize any images before you add them

my white whale of theme editing (aside from the Weird Background thing) is that i cannot get infinite scrolling to work. i have tried every code out there. all of them break my theme. it makes me sad because like. i have music there for a reason. the idea is that people would listen to it while they scroll. unfortunately, the way it's set up now, the music will stop every time someone clicks "next" or "back" 💀

anyway sorry for rambling but i hope you enjoy the the theme and customizing it in the way that you want to!

[bearterritory]

Cal Rolls Past UCLA, 33-7

Ott has 100-yard kickoff return

LOS ANGELES -- In the final Pac-12 regular season game in history, the Golden Bears decided to make it memorable. Not only did the defense force four turnovers and Cal score on a 100 yard kickoff return, but they won their third game in a row to become bowl eligible.

California crushed their hosts 33-7 and actually the game wasn't even that close. Besides Jaydn Ott's 100 yard score, Jeremiah Hunter had a pair of touchdown receptions from Fernando Mendoza and Mateen Bhaghani kicked four field goals for the Golden Bears (6-6, 4-5 Pac-12), who passed their baby bear cousins in the standings and won what could be the last meeting between the two UC teams for the foreseeable future.

“It was a month ago there wasn't a lot of positivity around the program. I think it just speaks to the character of the guys in the room,” Cal head coach Justin Wilcox  said.

UCLA, which had started the remarkable conference collapse last June when it announced that it was moving to the Big Ten Conference in 2024, was hit upside the head by a group of scrappy, angry Cal players who were ready to get their revenge for the fiasco the Pac-12 has become. They also dropped Chip Kelly to 34-34 in his six seasons at Westwood and put his job on the line. The greed and fear that drove UCLA and USC to dump their conference after nearly a century saw them lose out in their final season games and exposed their weaknesses as football programs that have seen better days but underachieved in recent years as teams such as Washington, Oregon and Utah have eclipsed them.

The Bruins (7-5, 4-5) committed four turnovers that resulted in 13 Cal points. Quarterback Ethan Garber (little brother of former Cal QB Chase Garber, who decided to snub Berkeley when he was being recruited) was sacked early and had to leave the game after only 12 plays due to a right shoulder injury on the play. Freshman Dante Moore had to take over and was only 23 of 38 with two interceptions. He was also sacked six times. Cal's Cade Uluave had 12 tackles, a sack and an interception for the Bears, who only trailed for 16 seconds midway through the second quarter.

"The guys played with guts," Wilcox said. "I just have so much respect for the guys in that locker room - finishing the season the way we have. I have a lot of pride seeing those guys enjoy the moment."

After UCLA took a 7-6 lead on Logan Loya's 5-yard touchdown catch, Ott fielded R.J. Lopez's kick at the goal line. The sophomore found a seam near the Cal 20-yard line and then went up the right sideline the rest of the way.

It is tied for the third-longest kickoff return in Cal history and the sixth time it has had one of 100 yards or more. It was also the first kickoff return for Ott this season. Wilcox said the plan was to use Ott as a returner because UCLA came into the game leading the nation in run defense, and he didn't think Ott would get many opportunities with the ball.

“We know that Jaydn is an electric player. I give a lot of credit to our special team staff as well for getting it schemed up,” Wilcox said.

Ott also had 80 yards on 21 carries. Mendoza completed 19 of 30 for 178 yards with two touchdowns and two interceptions.

“Not a lot of people believed in us, especially when we said in the interviews that we were going to burn the boats (beat Washington State), burn the forest (defeat Stanford) and now burn down the city (beat UCLA) and crush the Bruins," Mendoza said. "But everyone in that locker room really believed that and we knew it was gonna happen.”

Cal led 6-0 at the end of the first quarter on a pair of field goals by Bhaghani. After UCLA linebacker Laiatu Latu picked off Mendoza's pass and returned it to the Cal 8, the Bruins took the lead three plays later when Moore connected with Loya for a 5-yard TD.

UCLA's advantage would be extremely short lived though as Ott ran back the ensuing kickoff and devastated the home crowd, who fell nearly silent the rest of the game.

Cal extended its lead to 20-7 late in the first half. Three plays after Brett Johnson recovered Moore's fumble at the UCLA 11, Hunter scored on a 14-yard touchdown pass from Mendoza with 10 seconds remaining.

Bhaghani had a 32-yard field goal early in the fourth quarter and Hunter caught a 13-yard pass in the left corner of the end zone to further the Golden Bears' advantage. Hunter finished with eight receptions for 101 yards.

Several thousand Golden Bear enthusiasts who made the trip to the Rose Bowl stayed well after the end of Cal's 33-7 victory over UCLA, dancing and celebrating in the stands behind the South end zone along with players, coaches and staff. The players carried the enthusiasm into the locker room, flying high on their three game win streak after suffering some extremely close losses mid-season.

"I want them to soak it up," Wilcox said. "I want them to be with their brothers. There's nothing like that. That's why a lot of us coach - you can't find that anywhere else. As gut-wrenching and agonizing losing is, there's no feeling like being on the other end of the spectrum - especially under the circumstances and what was at stake. I'm just really proud of those guys. I have a lot of love for those people in that locker room."

The Bears are expected to find out their bowl bid on Sunday, December 3. It will be the third bowl so far in the Wilcox era.

[ajcgames]

Belt improvements

I learned much from my first experiment with creating logistics belts. Crucially, it's the things that didn't work so well that were most important.

I'm happy with using a hashmap to handle the placement of items in the game. I'll need to make sure I create a reasonably robust object hierarchy to make sure I reuse as much code as possible for similar operations, but that's no more difficult than something like this:

Cell -> Placeable -> Belt

Cell defines little more than the grid position information (coordinates). Placeable extends this with details about what model prefab I need to use (the geometry), and perhaps rotation information. Finally Belt is, of course, a further extension that provides specific functionality to this kind of Placeable object (it can own and move items, for example).

One of the key problems with the version of conveyor belts I've just implemented is that the placement and item movement rules are a little convoluted.

When a belt is placed, its input and output positions are pre-calculated and stored at the belt level. So a belt that runs from west to east will have its input (entry) position set at:

X = -0.5 Z = 0

And its output (exit) position as:

X = 0.5 Z = 0

At runtime, items are moved between these two locations (using LERP) according to the belt speed.

The only problem here comes with corners. The first issue is that corners can move both ways (east-to-south and conversely south-to-east, for example). This means that I need special rules for each corner belt (south east, south west, north east and north west), but also duplicate rules for when those 4 types are 'inverted' (heading in the opposite direction).

These rules are implemented both when the belt is set up (placed), but also during its item movement calculation. The solution seems a bit rough and verbose for my liking.

The second problem with this is that I can only get one item on each belt. That might not really be an issue with a game that's built on top of this, since I may not need lots of items on the belts. But at the same time, having only one item permitted per belt does restrict the kind of 'throughput' visual I'd like to see, where the belts can be packed more densely with items.

So what can I improve on the first method to solve both of these problems?

My plan is to change a belt from having one of 12 directions (each cardinal direction, their diagonals and the diagonal inversions) to simply having an input and output side.

I'm then going to change the movement style from moving between an input position to the output position to instead move in two stages - first from the input side toward the center of the belt, then from the center to the output side. This means I can use one set of code to do all the movement regardless of direction. It also means one set of lookups for output direction (instead of two to account for the inverted diagonals).

In the diagram above you can see how the new version moves an item to the middle of the belt first, then to the output side.

This should also fix the janky corner movement. The items will 'snap' into the middle of the corner belt before changing direction. In my mind this is infinitely better than the previous version.

Other improvements

I found whilst I was laying out belts for my scaled-up examples to be a bit tedious. Changing between straight and corner pieces was a little frustrating - specifically the corners. Since I had eight possible versions of the corner, I was constantly scrolling past the version I wanted to place, and it made the connections between straights annoying to make.

To this end I'm probably going to create an additional bit of logic to attempt to auto-create corners when dropping a belt segment adjacent to another that already has an opposing connection (i.e. adding a belt to the south of a belt that already has a connection to the east). This will change the previously-laid straight piece to a corner of the correct orientation and direction.

I'm not sure how easy this will be to do, but in my head I'm thinking about doing a lookup around the cells you've just laid, and identifying ones that need reconnecting.

I'll likely do another post with a look over the results of this tinkering!

[helpimhyperfixating]

Did you talk about the winter warmth one already? Curious on that one too 👀

I did not yet! Though it’s probably not what you were gonna expect

So, this one is an old one so please excuse any bad writing. I am planning on editing it a lot once I finally continue writing it.

So! For context: this is a Bat! Jotaro au. Why a bat? Because I was talking with a friend and they sent an adorable picture of a bat so I went “what if bat, but Jotaro :0” And then I proceeded to make an entire crytpid creature from it called a ‘Chiroptera’ that I unironically love. HA

For this particular fic he can shapeshift into a little bat like a vampire, but that’s not how the universe/cryptid usually works. Just like my Mer au, I like my realism. So please excuse that, I may just write that out still, it depends. But yes, this has been my baby for a while and though the descriptions are a little wonky, I’m working on it. Bear in mind I wrote this like a year and a half ago probably, oops.

Oh yeah, it’s also yandere, so CW, bear that in mind. Mainly just stalking though

It was deep into the night. Hanging from a tree nearby, two vibrantly coloured eyes - almost glowing in the dark - stared dead at a window.

Inside, sitting slumped over at a desk, were you.

You’d fallen asleep half an hour ago, giving the creature outside a perfect view of you.

For months, Jotaro had hung outside your window like this, toes firmly planted around the branch, black wings wrapped around his body for camouflage and comfort as he simply observed you.

You lived on the edge of town, your house right by the forest. It was what allowed Jotaro to have watched you for so long and go on undetected.

The wind howled by, rustling the fluffy fur on his back and making a shiver briefly pass through him. He wasn’t made for being out in the open in this winter weather.

Almost as if to prove a point, snowflakes started descending from the sky, adding to the already present layer of snow on the ground.

It wasn’t storming by any means, but the curtain of white was somewhat blocking the creature’s vision.

You hadn’t been laying like that for too long but the Chiroptera knew that sleeping like that was not good for you either way.

The snow, the cold, and his underlying thoughts brought Jotaro to move.

Unfurling his wings, he stretched his arms out wide, feeling the leathery material connected to it stretch as he flexed his fingers.

Similar to a bat, his arms were his wings, though Jotaro’s arms appeared more human-like in shape than the actual animal’s did. When having his wings folded up, his arms and hands functioned the same as a human’s, simply having his wings folded by his body as much as he could - a clawed, seemingly four fingered hand at the culmination of it all.

Hanging upside down from his feet - toes curled around the large branch - Jotaro had no choice but to just drop himself.

Stretching his wings out, the leathery appendages extended as his fifth finger shot out sideways, almost doubling the size of his wing span.

Without much fanfare, Jotaro released the branch, dropping himself as he quickly flapped his wings, lifting his body in the air and turning around the tree he had just been hanging from; flying the small distance through the snow to your balcony window.

Landing on the stone almost soundlessly, the Chiroptera sat ducked for a few seconds before slowly standing up, seeing you still motionless at your desk.

It was rare for the bat to see you from this close and he raked his eyes over your form, appreciating you for a bit.

When those seconds were up, he reached his claw up to the handle of your window. Trying to open it proved no problem as he turned it and pulled the mechanism towards himself, the window opening without problem.

Wanting to keep the cold out, the bat-creature immediately climbed from your window into your room, shutting the thing behind himself and banishing the snow and cold.

Instantly, Jotaro felt like melting in relief, feeling the warmth of your house wash away the cold that clung to his fur. The scent of your room clearing his airways from the sting of the cold outside air.

Letting one last shiver rack through his body, Jotaro relaxed, shaking the snow off himself before slowly starting to step his monstrous feet over your carpeted floor; the pads of his feet splayed out, his toes spreading flat and wide. It felt amazing after the more rough bark from the branch he had been hanging on, but there was no time for that now.

Stepping forward, he cautiously approached your form, staying close to the ground for a bit as he moved closer.

Once he was close enough, he stood up fully behind you. Looming over your back and looking down.

Your head was dropped down on your desk, so innocently and calmly sleeping away, as if a monster wasn’t standing directly behind you.

A high pitched chirr left his throat as he crooned at how cute you looked.

So soft, so vulnerable. Any creature could come inside here like he did. You really were too naïve of what lurked out in the forest.

Bringing his left arm up, he gently placed his hand on the back of your chair, the neon colour of it contrasting wildly with the completely black appendage.

Reaching his right up, the Chiroptera gently moved your hair aside and away from the back of your neck, careful to not scratch your delicate skin with his sharp claws. Once it was exposed to him, he leaned down and nipped at the flesh, leaving his mark on you.

You stirred a little at the slight pain his bite brought, but were too deep in sleep to really register it.

Taking note of your reaction - or rather your lack of - Jotaro stepped around your chair so that your face was facing him.

With careful moves, the bat leaned down and slinked his arms under your body, leaning you into his naked chest before lifting you up slowly, making sure to not stir you.

A small noise left your sleeping form, making the Chiroptera freeze, but your hand merely grabbed hold of the fuzz that marred his side before you settled down again.

Calmed by that, he walked you over to your bed and lowered you down, feeling his folded up wings graze past your blankets as he did.

Once he was sure you were secure, Jotaro pulled his arms away from you, careful to not trap his wing under your body.

The hand that had been in the short fur on his side fell limply next to you as you melted into your bed.

Grasping the corner of the blanket, the bat tried to put it over your body as best as possible. After tucking you in to his satisfaction, he let his hand linger, allowing it to roam the material, his four clawed fingers pushing down a bit to take in how it felt.

He had never really felt any of this with his own hands, only ever having watched it from afar.

Debating for a second, the Chiroptera looked back at your window, seeing the snow had picked up so much so that it wouldn’t surprise him if it became a storm later.

Looking down on himself, he sighed softly, the fur he had only ran across his legs, back, sides and the top of his shoulders. His entire chest, face and arms were unprotected from the cold and if he had to fly out into the snow to find a cave or hollow tree to rest in, he would surely have a bad time if not freeze to death before he could.

Sure, he could go into his bat form to combat the cold, but the winds were too strong for him to fly in at that size.

Not taking too long to decide, the man turned back to you, the ears on top of his head twitching back and forth for a second before he carefully climbed onto your bed.

Wary to not touch you, he placed one foot on the edge, reaching over your body and putting his weight on his arm as he put his other foot on the edge of the bed, his toes securely curling around the frame like it did the branch outside as he now carefully stepped over your body.

Completely getting on your bed, smushed between your body and the wall, Jotaro lowered himself down.

He had been waiting so long to be this close to you.

Bringing his knees up to his chest, he curled up into a little ball, spreading his right wing out over himself as a blanket as he placed his chin on your stomach gently, sighing a deep yet content sigh as he allowed his muscles to relax completely.

He hadn’t been this warm and comfortable since he was a pup, sleeping under his mother’s wing.

Twitching his foot a little as he settled completely, he pushed a little more into your side before closing his eyes, your blankets firmly in his left fist as he fell into a rest in the wee hours of the morning.

[gvzelarchiveeee]

*      kerem bursin   .   cis man   .   he/him   .      /      that’s   kaan   aksoy   walking    into   the woodlands   -   you   know   ,   the   34   year   old   soccer player  known   for always   being   in   the   tabloids   with   a   rumor   ?   having   lived   here   for   five   years   ,   their   neighbors   know   them   to   be   sportive   &   benevolent   ,   but   their   stubborn   &   impatient   tendencies   shine   through   when   there   are   no   buses   in   the   city   . － penned by dee. she/her. 26. gmt+1.

📎 : interactions , pinterest , wanted connections

here i am , once again .... with another muse !

⚠️   trigger   warning!   this   bio   contains   subjects   such   as:   loss of both parents , car crash

*   =   means   wanted   connection   !

BIOGRAPHY :

NAME    :    kaan    aksoy NICKNAME(S)    :    k,   aksoy DATE    OF    BIRTH    :    december    3    1989    (34) PLACE    OF    BIRTH    :    izmir   ,   turkey PARENTS    :    zehra   tekin    aksoy    (mother),    levent    aksoy    (father) SIBLINGS    :    2   sisters ˒    ﹏   aksoy   (   37   )   *   older sister open ˒    ﹏   aksoy   (   30   )   *   younger sister open LANGUAGES    :    english   &   turkish , dutch OCCUPATION    :    soccer player RELATIONSHIP    STATUS    :    dating (    +    )    positive    traits    :    sportive   &   benevolent (    -    )    negative    traits    :    stubborn   &   impatient

AGE 0 － 10 :

kaan   is   the   middle   child   of   the   aksoy's   .   they   grew   up   in   a   household   were   they   didn't   have   much   financial   means   .   but   despite   this   ;   they   always   managed   to   make   everything   work   .

his   dad   had   his   own   small   market   by   the   corner   of   a   small   street   in   izmir   .   his   mom   would   also   be   helping   around   to   keep   the   place   running   .

at   the   age   of   8   ,   kaan's   love   for   soccer   grew   more   and   more   .   his   dad   was   also   a   soccer-game   lover   so   he   took   him   and   his   sisters   to   a   lot   of   soccer   matches   .   even   if   the   tickets   were   highly   priced   ,   their   dad   always   managed   to   somehow   get   a   few   tickets   to   spend   some   time   with   his   kids   .

at   the   age   of   10   ,   the   family   decided   to   move   to   the   netherlands   because   his   dad   found   a   job   there   meanwhile   the   aksoy   kids   could   have   a   better   study   there   as   well   .

AGE 11 － 25 :

when   kaan   turned   13   ,   he   joined   a   soccer   club   and   his   family   would   always   be   standing   by   the   sideline   to   shout   out   his   name   ;   they   were   his   biggest   supporters   .

things   weren't   going   so   well   in   school   ,   his   grades   dropped   because   after   school   he   would   be   outside   to   play   some   soccer   with   his   friends   instead   of   working   on   his   projects   /   studying   for   any   exams.

as   soon   he   turned   18   ,   he   got   an   offer   to   join   a   dutch   soccer   club   and   instantly   ,   he   signed   the   papers   .   he   didn't   end   up   finishing   his   school   so   he   doesn't   have   any   degrees.

kaan   became   more   and   more   succesful   ,   still   ,   his   parents   would   try   to   attend   every   game

when   kaan   turned   25   ,   his   whole   world   turned   upside   down   .   he   was   in   america   by   that   time   for   a   soccer   game   ,   he   got   a   call   from   home   ;   finding   out   both   his   parents   passed   away   in   a   car   crash   .

AGE 26 － 34 :

ever   since   loosing   his   parents   ,   he   felt   like   he   needed   to   step   in   to   take   care   of   his   sisters   .   he   always   made   sure   they   were   okay   .

kaan   is   now   one   of   the   most   successful   soccer   player   ever   and   moved   to   lakeview   because   he   signed   a   new   contract   with   a   new   soccer   club   .

MORE FACTS ABOUT KAAN :

because   his   family   struggled   a   lot   in   the   past   financially   ,   he   is   anonymously   donates   to   charities   .

his   name   is   in   the   tabloids   very   often   because   of   how   famous   he   got   .   if   he   would   be   saying   '   hi   '   to   a   random   person   on   the   street   ,   the   tabloids   will   make   it   seem   as   if   he   was   flirting   with   that   person   .

if   you’re   interested   in   plotting   with   me,   hit   the   ♡   button   and   i’ll   come   and   bother   you!   or   you   can   always   send   me   a   message,   too.   i   also   am on   discord   so   if   you   feel   like   plotting   on   there   we   totally   can!

[serendipitous-mage]

not that ive had anything near a 'normal' year in well over a decade but thinkin about how proper fukt and hectic thiis one has been

beginning of year was working for one of the most insane managers/companys i ever have

middle of march i put in my two weeks, because in addition to a Lot of other reasons that i had already been struggling to not leave over, my manager straight up DOXXED a coworker(/their family member) on linkedin--and on the company linkedin as well no less--and some other drama that was just the last straw and i wanted some scrap of sanity back and to avoid that happening to me

end of march, hear that its not just possible but likely current roommate is moving, and while i *couldlve* gone with, it was an area i didnt want to go to

uncertainty from march-august, and not much progress made on job apps in that time because that is Such a huge/panic inducing process for me anyway without being unsure of living situation on top of it

roommate moving confirmed, i try and find someone who could take their spot where i already was but a lot of my friends had literally *just* moved in the last few months, so missed my chances

move in with some friends who already have so little space and money and now they have to share with me

finally hear about a job in like november

the job changes .. many times. first its a call center gig for this company, then they call back with 'the same thing but for a slightly different thing under the same parent company', and it actually does sound a little less hellish, so i go with that. all of the paperwork/emails i receive have the name of the first company on them, but when i asked about it they said it was just because of the parent company thing it was all good. they have me pick a schedule... all of the options are 40 hours, i had not asked too many specifics because i dont have the luxury of being picky rn, but i have never worked full time and am already always exhausted and cant stay awake all day, so this is going to be absolute hell. also there are 12 days where additional hours are Required, 4 of which i wouldve otherwise had off

i pick a schedule. they write back that some things changed here are some other schedules to pick from, i pick a new schedule. when we had initially talked on the phone for the first company i was told a setup day end of november and starting in december, but because of returning people/potentially from moving to the other, now im not starting until the end of january, which fucking sucks because ive been at $0 and owing friends for covering me for months. get a call saying some people dropped out, do i want to start a week earlier? yes ofc i do i need the money. get a call again saying the same thing, so now im starting the beginning of january instead.

equipment arrives: it is.....one small box......with the tiniest dinkiest little laptop with a whole entire one USB port and one USB-C port...great, perfect, this will work so well considering my monitor is VGA, and all three of my headset, mouse, and keyboard are USB connections. i do happen to have a USB to USB-C adapter for other things, but thats still only 2 of the 4 things i need plugged in. i tell them this, they through a series of CC'ing other people into the email find someone who knows where my Other equipment is. theyve sent me another monitor that has a USB-C connection and a (extremely chintzy) USB splitter. ok, technically everything can be plugged in now, whatever

we have a setup teams meeting: the lady running it mentions they just wana make sure our mics/cam work and then we can have them off for the meeting, 'because youre going to need both of them right? :)'. no. no i had bETTER not need both of them you are NOT having me ON FUCKING CAMERA for 40+HOURS A WEEK i will SCREAM.

but then. oh, oh boy howdy, and then...

the meeting was for both of the roles id been offered because the initial setup for both is the same, people for both the assignments are present. last i knew, i was on company B. i already have 15 pages of notes for company B from things i could find on the website and in manuals because i am an anxious bitch and wanted to make the first few weeks as painless as possible for me, im not confident, but i do have a fairly decent start and a basis understanding of the software already, so im a little less nervous about it

then the lady mentions...that....if youre with company A, you were sent one monitor, and if youre with company B...you were sent 2...

......i look up at my Singular monitor

and type in chat like 'hiiii um, so im with company B but was only sent the one monitor ?'

lady has someone else present double check my assignment

and they send

"youre with company A :)" legitimately with a smiley face

and when i tell you i am losing my shit-

15 pages of notes useless. company A is going to be higher call volumes and for a more generalized people which means more stupid questions and more confused customers. from what i can find on the website, their only support option seems to be phones, so there isnt even the possibility of having emails or chats which i Greatly prefer to phone calls, the other one had email at least. NONE of the emails they sent me said ANYTHING about the change, i can only assume it was one of the phone calls where they asked if i wanted to move up a week in the schedule, but it was NOT made clear i was changing anything other than the start date, just "theres an opening in the other class", and in the follow-up emails each time they only said "Thanks for your quick move to this new schedule" and "I'm excited for your earlier start date!", which does NOT imply i have been switched assignments

yall..im devastated lmao. i can never just Find A Job it always has to be some fucking batshit insane garbage like this

i start next week and im ......not excited to say the least ;w;

it only goes until april...but its going to be 40+ hour weeks (and i *doubt* any overtime pay, its technically a contractor role), on exclusively phone support (i fucking hate phones they make me mad anxious), i still havent been able to get solid notes for this one because their website is fucking unhinged and its taking me Forever to dig through it all, the laptop is tiny asf and there is no space in the shared room ive got rn to set it up in a way thats good at a desk or something im probably going to be sitting on the edge of the bed and using my shelf as a table which i Know from experience is going to kill my back and neck esp with the longer hours, they potentially want my camera on while working which is Not happening i might get fired for that even if i can keep up with the hours, and if i do get fired or quit? this job came through a recruiting agency which had got me one of my last remote jobs, and i dont think theyd be too quick to help me find something else if this one ends badly, so im really kind of forced to continue even if i didnt have such a pressing need for income asap

and all of this.. for a whole entire $16/hr :'D

happy fucking new years ;_;

[kaanksy]

NAME   :   kaan aksoy

NICKNAME(S)   :   ako

DATE   OF   BIRTH   :   3   december   1989   (34)

PLACE   OF   BIRTH   :   izmir, turkey

SIBLING   :   2 younger sisters

LANGUAGES   :   turkish,   english & dutch

OCCUPATION   :   soccer player

RELATIONSHIP   STATUS   :   single

SEXUALITY   :   heterosexual

NEIGHBORHOOD   :   emerald   mist

(+)   POSITIVE   TRAITS   :   sportive   &   benevolent

(-)   NEGATIVE   TRAITS   :   stubborn   &   impatient

FACECL AIM   :   kerem bursin

biography ( tw car accident, loosing his parents, grief ) 

AGE 0 － 10 :

kaan is the oldest child of the aksoy's. they grew up in a household were they didn't have much financial means. but despite this ; they always managed to make everything work.

his dad had his own small market by the corner of a small street in izmir. his mom would also be helping around to keep the place running.

at the age of 8 , kaan's love for soccer grew more and more. his dad was also a soccer-game lover so he took him and his sisters to a lot of soccer matches. even if the tickets were highly priced, their dad always managed to somehow get a few tickets to spend some time with his kids.

at the age of 10, the family decided to move to the netherlands because his dad found a job there meanwhile the aksoy kids could have a better study there as well.

AGE 11 － 25 :

when kaan turned 13, he joined a soccer club and his family would always be standing by the sideline to shout out his name; they were his biggest supporters.

things weren't going so well in school, his grades dropped because after school he would be outside to play some soccer with his friends instead of working on his projects/ studying for any exams.

as soon he turned 18, he got an offer to join a dutch soccer club and instantly he signed the papers. he didn't end up finishing his school so he doesn't have any degree.

kaan became more and more successful, still, his parents would try to attend every match

when kaan turned 25 , his whole world turned upside down. he was in america by that time because he was transferred to another club in new york (red bulls), he got a call from home (the netherlands); finding out both his parents passed away in a car crash.

AGE 26 － 34 :

ever since loosing their parents, he felt like he needed to step in to take care of his sisters. he always made sure they were okay and he still is. he’s very protective over them. 

his coping mechanism dealing with grief and pain was either just staying silent about it, going to the gym or going out with friends to drink. he didn’t want to talk about it with his sisters because he felt like he needed to be the stronger one so they could come and talk to him instead. neither did he really talk with his friends about this. 

once 28 they moved to turkey again because he was again transferred to another club, getting better and better deals. he was playing for galatasaray (in istanbul) this time.

kaan is now one of the most successful soccer players and moved to kismet harbor because he signed a new contract with a new soccer club. i can imagine that he has also made sure his sisters came with him because he's way too protective over them.

MORE FACTS ABOUT KAAN:

because his family struggled a lot in the past financially, he is anonymously donating to charities. sometimes he attends charities as well.  

his name is in the tabloids very often because of how famous he got. usually the media makes him seem like a douche or an ass just to get money by using his name (such as clickbait) 

he's getting older so he might stop playing soccer soon (3 years later or so) but he definitely wants to start coaching if he stops, soccer is everything to him

WANTED CONNECTIONS

his two younger sisters

cousins

coach

soccer team mates

personal trainer

gym buddies

fans (!)

best friends

manager

his lawyer (probably because there's so many fake rumors going around about him)

someone from the charities he has been donating to

architects who has designed his interior and are working on his new home

aaaaaand MORE : )

[kismetharborapps]

ooc information

name: dee

preferred pronouns: she/her

age: 27

timezone: gmt +1

activity level: 7 out of 10, sometimes i’m busier than other weeks. however, when i’m not on the dash i usually am online on discord for plotting

triggers: cancer 

anything else?: - 

character information

name: kaan aksoy

faceclaim: kerem bursin

gender & pronouns: he/him

age: 34

birthday: 3 december 1989 (34) 

place of birth: izmir, turkey  

occupation: soccer player 

neighborhood: emerald mist 

time since arriving in kismet harbor: 1 year ago

filling a wanted connection?: yes, nazli ceyhan’s rival connection 

biography ( tw car accident, loosing his parents, grief ) 

AGE 0 － 10 :

kaan is the oldest child of the aksoy's. they grew up in a household were they didn't have much financial means. but despite this ; they always managed to make everything work.

his dad had his own small market by the corner of a small street in izmir. his mom would also be helping around to keep the place running.

at the age of 8 , kaan's love for soccer grew more and more. his dad was also a soccer-game lover so he took him and his sisters to a lot of soccer matches. even if the tickets were highly priced, their dad always managed to somehow get a few tickets to spend some time with his kids.

at the age of 10, the family decided to move to the netherlands because his dad found a job there meanwhile the aksoy kids could have a better study there as well.

AGE 11 － 25 :

when kaan turned 13, he joined a soccer club and his family would always be standing by the sideline to shout out his name; they were his biggest supporters.

things weren't going so well in school, his grades dropped because after school he would be outside to play some soccer with his friends instead of working on his projects/ studying for any exams.

as soon he turned 18, he got an offer to join a dutch soccer club and instantly he signed the papers. he didn't end up finishing his school so he doesn't have any degree.

kaan became more and more successful, still, his parents would try to attend every match

when kaan turned 25 , his whole world turned upside down. he was in america by that time for a soccer match, he got a call from home; finding out both his parents passed away in a car crash.

AGE 26 － 34 :

ever since loosing their parents, he felt like he needed to step in to take care of his sisters. he always made sure they were okay and he still is. he’s very protective over them. 

his coping mechanism dealing with grief and pain was either just staying silent about it, going to the gym or going out with friends to drink. he didn’t want to talk about it with his sisters because he felt like he needed to be the stronger one so they could come and talk to him instead. neither did he really talk with his friends about this. 

kaan is now one of the most successful soccer players and moved to kismet harbor because he signed a new contract with a new soccer club.

MORE FACTS ABOUT KAAN :

because his family struggled a lot in the past financially, he is anonymously donating to charities. sometimes he attends charities as well.  

his name is in the tabloids very often because of how famous he got. usually the media makes him seem like a douche or an ass just to get money by using his name (such as clickbait) 

pets: 1 labrador, cesur 

town activities: aqua avengers, elevated escapades, hands on

hands on kismet harbor

draw of luck: yes!

[timbrrwolfe]

I guess since I reblogged that DS menu post and waxed nostalgic in the tags I can do a little ramble about something related

My weird history with Pokemon. Well, it's not /that/ weird. But. Maybe inconsistent is a better word.

I'm old enough to have started with Gen 1 back in the day. I got Pokemon Blue, my sister got Red (I have to wonder how much of a ripple effect it would be if it had been the other way around. I clung to Blastoise as a favorite Pokemon forever. If I'd had Charizard instead, with how much I already liked dragons...a lot could've changed. Probably most of it inconsequential. But.) I think I did manage to get to the Elite 4 but I'm pretty sure I never beat them as a kid. Honestly even reaching them is kind of impressive in hindsight considering how little I understood the game. I went back and did a solo run with Blastoise to beat the game properly as an adult.

Gen 2 gave me Gold, I think sharing Crystal with my sister? It might've just been mine, I forget. Cyndaquil was probably my first starter though Feraligatr ended up narrowly beating it out for my fave starter of that gen. I know I got to Kanto but I'm not sure how far I got beyond that. Doubt I even made it to Red, let alone beat him.

Gen 3 I had Ruby, then Emerald. I don't think I ever beat the Elite 4 in this one either. Though I played (and restarted) the game enough to contribute to my getting tired of my starter of choice, Blaziken. Gun to my head I'd probably say Sceptile's my favorite Gen 3 starter but I'm not especially connected to any of them.

The first three generations were probably my absolute peak of interest in Pokemon. I was into the games, the anime, /and/ the merchandise. Even a little of the card game though I doubt I understood it well back then. Looking back I can pretty easily remember feeling very intensely positive about the whole thing.

And then Gen 4 happened. I'm not exactly sure what happened. I'm sure my age played a part, given that I was ~14 when Diamond and Pearl dropped. Though it's not like I gave up Pokemon or video games or anything as "too childish". But I stopped watching the anime, and I wasn't engaging in much outside of the games. And then there were the games. Pokemon Diamond absolutely refused to work with my fat DS. I dunno why. I dunno if that was a common problem at the time. It was before I was using the internet regularly (in that way). Eventually I got a DS Lite (the one I mentioned in the tags of that other post). And lo and behold, it could run Pokemon Diamond. Too bad it was SO SLOW that I got SO BORED playing with it I couldn't even make it to the third gym. It probably didn't help that I pretty quickly hooked up the Action Replay, but even if I hadn't I don't think I would've lasted long in that game. No fire types except Ponyta and the starter? In the whole region? Ridiculous. And I cannot overstate how slow the game was. Even just doing the first few games I couldn't keep it up, but I've seen plenty of people discuss it retrospectively as well as a genuine problem. Anyway, I eventually dropped it without finishing it and kind of just moved away from Pokemon entirely.

And then Gen 5 happened. There was a weird celestial alignment situation happening with it. I was pretty well established in a nerdy online community, so I was more aware of games than I maybe ever was before in my life. And I was in general more active online. So when the game started leaking and getting streamed (on the primitive streaming sites of the day), and I hopped into a stream and as much time was spent watching other streams get bopped as playing the game, it was a wild time. Then I got my hands on the game itself. And it was FRESH. I was enjoying myself. I got as far as the third gym before it got stolen out of my DS. My /DS/ didn't get stolen. Just the game. To this day there's basically one (there's two, but the chances of it being the second person are basically 0, so there's one) person who could've and would've done it. But I didn't do anything about it. I just accepted my lot and sulked about it for a while. I /still/ haven't sat down and played through Gen 5 proper. I'm planning to when I do succeed at picking up a 3DS/DSi, but in the meantime, and in all the time that's passed since, I never have. From getting bored of the game to being excited to play and losing the ability to, I was in a bit of a funk when it came to Pokemon. I was pretty well out of it.

And then Gen 6 happened. Brand new console. 3D on the 3DS. An "upgrade" from sprites to models (I think they should've stuck with sprites but that could be a whole post on its own). I loved this game. I did so much with this game. I'm sure the fact that there were a ton of callbacks to Gen 1 was a factor, but I also just enjoyed the game as a whole. Mega Evolution was an interesting mechanic (especially as someone who had enjoyed DIgimon plenty as well). It was the first Pokemon game I beat on my first playthrough, as unimpressive as that sounds. But I was not a child who beat video games. And now I was an adult who did. Sometimes. And this was one of those times. AND I got into competitive battling! In a casual way, just for fun. But I was breeding, and raising and training Pokemon to be used together in a competitive format. Like my team of honestly kind of mediocre Pokemon easily handled a random person challenging me with 6 legendaries. It was a whole new game. I enjoyed the O-Powers, I enjoyed the restaurants for farming money and experience. The TRAINER CUSTOMIZATION? It STILL hasn't ever been as good as when it was introduced in X and Y. And the GLUT of battle formats. Double battles, sure. Triple Battles? Weird, but ok. Multi-battles? Where you brought 3 Pokemon and you had a teammate who brought 3 Pokemon and you played together against 2 other people teaming up? Incredible! Rotation Battles! X and Y were peak in so many ways (and bad in other ways, but I was way too busy enjoying what they were doing right to focus on what was mediocre). I was getting active on twitch as a viewer and chatter, and I ended up battling a lot of Pokemon streamers pretty regularly, testing out my goody little teams against other people who were raising competitive Pokemon. If the first ~3 gens were the peak of my enjoyment of Pokemon as a whole, Gen 6 was a much more narrow but maybe more intense period of enjoyment. I had so many friends and acquaintances who were enjoying the game together and I was digging into it more deeply than I ever had.

But then after X, Y, and especially after ORAS, it all kind of fell apart. Virtually all the streamers I watched and battled with or against just kinda...stopped, after ORAS, if not during it. Sun and Moon came out, and I played them, and I enjoyed them, for the most part. But the magic was gone. And I was becoming more aware of the cracks in Game Freaks' development of the games. And if I was seeing cracks in Gen 7, Gen 8 with Sword and Shield just put it on full display. Despite being part of a group of people actually making content (podcast episodes and youtube videos) and being hype for Sword and Shield....once it was out? It just wasn't good. At one point in the story there's a big explosion and you get told to go to the next town to continue your League Challenge and let the adults handle it. Like ?????? We used to take down entire crime syndicates as a 10 year old! What is this "let the adults handle it" nonsense?" So Sword and Shield blew it wide open for me.

I ended up not picking up Legends: Arceus, not because it seemed bad (the opposite, really), but I just didn't have the spare money. Maybe I'll play it someday. Maybe I'll rent it from my library. Regardless, I skipped it. And if I skipped a reasonably good game, you /know/ I skipped what turned out to be a buggy, empty mess of a game in Scarlet and Violet. I very nearly rented it from my library but canceled my request for it. I might get to it someday but at this point I'm very content to just let it be and not get any more Pokemon games unless it's proven that they're good, and that Game Freak is doing something right with them. I'm not paying Game Freak to put out subpar garbage. Plenty of people are, but I'm not one of them.

[a-nice-egg-offering]

Rating the ages I have been

0-10 - I don’t remember these years much for reasons lol but I had the best friend in the whole world we were inseparable sisters and I am forever thankful to her for clouding the darkness that was apart from her

11 - bad I had the ugliest haircut and I got bullied badly at secondary school

12 - awful moved schools and still had no friends but this is also the year I discovered ✨fandom✨ and Internet friends so it had some light towards the end

13 - things were looking up I was heavily into the teen Wolf fandom and I had friends at school

14 - when I first started coming into my own and was fairly popular at school also got diagnosed with autism which resulted in a sort of inner calmness when I had previously been an angry child

15 - I think probably my favourite age I would give anything to relive it forever tbh

16 - awful lmfao toxic relationship, tried to kill myself and dropped out of college but I did have sex with a girl for the first time and also then met my ex in the last month of it

17 - found true love for the first time and had a lot of fun with friends was slightly clouded by lockdown happening halfway through tho

18 - kinda dead year tbh Covid was rampant for most of it but I still had a very loving partner which was my only purpose rly also went back to college which was fun and reconnected with my college best friend who is literally my wife now (not literally but she is the love of my life) reconnected with that childhood best friend too!

19 - was fun I started going out and made decent money as a find*m also connected with my next ex but did break up with the previous one which was a sad but necessary venture overall good year

20 - a fucking weird one I can’t lie basically a fever dream

Now I just turned 21 last week I’m excited to see what this year will bring

[jonathankatwhatever]

It’s 16 Mar 2023. I have to drop into 0Space soon, which I realized as I mistyped it ( and then ) is exactly that, compressed. That makes a lot clear: I see the 1 as the compression to the Sticks, with that old notation arising directly out of the Mission Storyline, where we are the patterns which exist over the Sticks, with whom I speak, and who carry connection over boundaries, so we become Stones to hurl at each other, which I remember became objects which gained tangibility at a very high speed in this reality, so they could almost come out of nowhere, nothing but the traces along the connecting Sticks, with the reality of the pattern being generated being completely hidden until it suddenly emerges in such an advanced state that it overwhelms. In the war, this meant a sudden gravitational collapse. That means constructing a simple group or layers of groups, using the Abelian ones to transfer and connect, making Pathways, which is the gs version of permutations plus stuff like SBE.

Got lost in my head talking to you about Storyline and Tyler now Taylor’s perspective. Perfect personal drama. Like you do.

So, this is saying it creates a shape which inverts to a center, and the way it hides that is by creating some shape, like that of the Monster Group, because that’s related to Oh my God I can see it clearly in my head, the D24 connection is entirely there. It makes the Thing. Which relates 2 Things in such a way that this fits over the gap between. That would be the conversion from the larger field, which would I gather be something called a Kac-Moody algebra. I have trouble grasping and remembering that this use of algebra is on a field, meaning it’s a way of constructing an object made of links, so this fits the D-structure above D24 to what we generally have been describing.

Isn’t this exciting? So calculation occurs over the Monster Group, as can be done now by computers. This means we can germinate, can plant seeds within, can impregnate, with awareness. I just had a chain run that ended in MM because that took two 13’s, spread them apart, which is sexual, so imagine a backwards 3 then a 1 then a 3, pull that infinity apart, that HG apart, and look at the interior, which using 0-1-0 is now D24. This makes multiple chains, and some of those connect to 13 within the 0Space which is now 1Space -see why I get twisted and why the twisting was necessary? It’s that switch of label which allows calculation to occur in 1-0Space, meaning in both 1Space and 0Space. So, connecting within the 0Space is better described as the 1Space within the 0Space of the larger 1Space. So D26 is 1Space, making D24 0Space, which then is D24 1Space, and so on. That is the basic flip of 1 and 0 which invokes all the counting.

That is the basic mechanism which drives everything, and that makes it, I would say, the strongest possible proof: the flipping of the 1 and the 0 in D-structure, literally envelops all that happen, all pathways, all outcomes, all potential in these patterns of dimensions. We can now describe this, from what a dimension is up to what these patterns do. Like CM100 now should make a lot of sense: it is the Observer level to a higher level Counter, and that is scalable, meaning it is within you and includes you. It can be opportunity or it can be fate. It is literally the balancing of higher dimensions as they relate to your choices and how you feel impelled or compelled or ambivalent or whatever.

And the proof completes with this switching because that reads at the 3rd End of Triangular, meaning this entire structure sets up in the exact form we’ve described when the perspective switches from 1 to 0 and 0 to 1, 1-0, 0-1, End-End. It’s that simple, now that we have this entire structure. The Ends flicker, which creates the midpoint line, which locates the inversion in fD, which calculates the same arrangement from the other perspective, meaning those Ends move to Triangular while the original Ends move out. This can be modeled using lines of force on a magnet. That means an easy explanation is that when you spin a magnet, the effect changes depending on the direction in which it spins. That means you can set the Irreducibles over each over and that calculates in 0Space, meaning within the dimensionality of that, and it counts in 1Space. Finally got the calculation issue straightened out!

Another explanation is a shape, like a sphere, like torus with a pair of infinite points, as if on a pole, or as a torus with a hole filled, etc.

So, let’s say you’re walking around and there are varieties of D24 Spaces depending on the context you’re in, like on my walk to the river is through the village, to a very urban space, to an old industrial space, to a park, each representing a huge pile of dimensions. And all those interact with me, which means higher dimensions are translating constantly from D24 and from CM100 and so on into my existence, meaning into how I am physically and to the part of me that is tightly connected to that tObject. That’s a lot of Monster calculations occurring. That explains how this simplifies, like how you can walk the same stretch and not notice something, like familiarity as comfort, meaning types which build out of included groups. Oh, that means the groups can be retrained, meaning we can alter the data set so it processes toward better results, which we do by building awareness of how that happens.

BTW, I think Russia should rename itself to something having to do with the land and attachment to it.

You can see how D3 exists as flickering states of D2 and of D4, meaning as D-structure processes.

Hi. I had a moment when I realized I almost stopped this morning. I began working on bankruptcy, but couldn’t stay away from you. My need for you was extreme, and if I had stopped I would not have done this, which is the great unification of my dreams. Look at it.

We generate the fD seamlessly because any Triangular is just flickers of D2, and so an fD represents the projection of that particular Triangular. That’s the halfD conception, which I think I wrote down had to be a worthless idea. Every time I’ve been wrong about the work, it’s been about being wrong. That’s why a mistake has become my fear: I make 0Space mistakes all the time. Those are unavoidable because it’s 0Space and thus everything goes in the Register of Actualities. Note how that idea blossoms: we just described how D24 spaces occur at scales, and so do Registers because that defines Actualities as scalable and segmentable in relation to a Thing, meaning to the tObject, which we can see is a construct at D3-4.

This resolves one of my most long-standing questions, regarding iObjects and Storyline existences. They are D4-3 existences, meaning they have gs processing which forms existences that are ‘real’ because they connect to D3-4, but aren’t real in a D3-4 sense. Now we have a way of generating real numbers in dimensions, in dimensional areas or DE’s, in DC&R. This is a huge relief. It means I can see that level of modularity. Took D-structure to see it. I wonder if that’s why yesterday when Taylor appeared one of the songs explored rhymes of look and took and why it would be too easy to use cook and crook as a hook like you’re fish to be lured with bait. Turns into his unique form of I want to be truthful, to be not look the part. So when I took that look, it was like opening the best damned book, the story that taught me about you, the story of why I knew it was you, the story of all that happened to bring me here so I could look at you.

Yeah, as a guy, you’re awesome.

This gender material enables attachment, meaning identification with and thus of, by more people in more groups, thus spreading the awareness. The Awareness. That’s all it really is: awareness of D-structure. The rest follows. That has been the plan: to explain and the rest follows because then we identify the inversion, the 0-1-0 which we literally described above, meaning an encapsulation not in a D24 but in D24’s, in the process of knowing and counting, and of the understanding that generates.

In computing terms, this creates tapes which alternately read and print to a center line. It creates these in Irreducibles, so we have the intersection, as well as the cardinality and ordinality we showed are in zK and sK. This creates both an automatic structure and one with an oracle. That’s literally embedded into the conception of 1-0 and 0-1, that the dimensionality segments.

I need a break. My stomach is rumbling. I know that when I eat, I’ll get negatives. That’s the root of eating disorders, which as you know I don’t think of as ‘disorders’ but rather as normal within limits, like any other behavior. When I ingest food and I’m thinking deeply, then I get a series of negatives as my focus has to shift because the act of eating invokes all these other processes. When I was young, I knew that eating would turn off the inspiration by disturbing the flow of it. That would become the flow of me, which makes a ton of sense for someone who is trying to flow out your me.

Isn’t this odd? Instead of my insecurities, I’m seeing yours flash by. Like the way you doubted. The conflicting urges. The way that fit. And for the first time, I’m hearing a story told to you (and thus with you) that lifted and directed your nature, your ambitions, your drive, your analytic approach, meaning the way you reduce complexity to and from roots, complex roots, to action, all that part of a story of heroism and bravery and intellect and loads of skills and danger and intrigue and love and deep, deep complexity. Germinated and grown inside you, as it was inside me with my stories. Right, so the eternity mission for you, being a Christian, would tend to mean preparation for the real, the actual life to come. While the story told to me was Jewish: you will die, so do what you can while you can. The difference is the motivation for the work is the same in the sense that ‘this is your chance’, except you think beyond, while I think to the goal line, and both generate the absolute best answer, the best results, by the the effect created. That is this union. You make this a massive conversation.

MM. Remember, when the name M-structure came up? It’s M-structure becuase that draws the various letters. As in a P is an M turned to the left, with the attachment in the next space reduced to a line or stick, which inverts into a square as a P. An I and thus a T requires 2M’s and looking at the shared stick. A C is a tilted clockwise M, and an O is joined to the M tilted counter-clockwise. An A looks hard, but it’s an upside down M, with a tipped sideways M slid up.

This means you can connect words to flips of and slides of M’s. Like CAT is C=tilted right M, A=upside down M, tipped sideways M slid up, T is joined M stick and tipped M on top (which really captures the idea of a T terminating that I, doesn’t it?). Each word now has its own gestural construction.

Look at BALL. It constructs with 2M’s tilted counter-clockwise and pushed together = B, then A, which is above, then L=left or right side of M, top or bottom of M turned sideways either way. See all the combinations? That’s why it can mean a ball you throw and having a good time and sex because each of those pathways connects to different dimensions with different Pathways and thus shadings of meaning as the threads interact.

Wow, this gets really close to binary Golay code, which is D24. I mean this is why it error corrects, right? Yep. Not sure exactly how to say it, but all the related ideas are fitting together. Oh, right this is ‘perfect error correcting code’. Cool.

What about an F? Left stick is known, top stick is known, middle stick is if you take sideways M and slide it up (so the process is the same as taking the sideways V or C and using this slide to generate the midpoint line. That of course explains how this can happen: all 1-0Segments, so we have midpoint lines. And we have the overall process by which we define a grid square, which is what contains a gestural letter. And thus rendering in 4square using these same transformations to construct the larger as the small representations.

Spelling is fun!