#i had to go through the episodes to find clips of him and i am still baffled by how they gave him so little screentime like...

[iamacolor]

Lee Soo Hyuck as Park Joonggil (Tomorrow, 2022) - Devil Saint

K-DRAMA SECRET SANTA 2023 for @khaoray

happy holidays Vic, wishing you all the best for next year! 💜

[chiibinomonodamon]

WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME RAMBLE ABOUT GAY FURRY DEMON SEX? XD

(damn, there's a sentence I never thought I'd say....)

Okay...so I see some Stolitz confusion and bashing online and I need to type up a defense here because I won't be able to sleep otherwise lol

I consider myself to be a Ship Critic and someone who takes shipping rather seriously.

What I mean by this is, I like to analyze and break down romantic relationships between fictional characters because it's just interesting to write for me. I especially take delight in friendly debating with opinions that I strongly do *not* agree with.

Let me start off by saying I am NOT a "this ship is awesome because gay furry sex lol" type of girl.

FAR from it. I'm generally more passionate about hetero ships between human characters (because I can relate to them more) among other reasons. So if you wanna dismiss my defense as "shallow fangirlism", you can forget about that lame excuse.

I fell in love with Hazbin Hotel when it was finally released in February and suffered waiting for each new two-parts per week. During that time, I decided to watch Helluva Boss as well, after a friend showed me a particularly soul-crushing clip (Moxxie's childhood trauma about his mother).

Yes, I like funny sex jokes as much as the next goofy adult but scenes like this, scenes that carry a very heavy emotional weight are what really get me in the end, even moreso when VERY little dialogue is exchanged. I knew I had to watch the entire episode run after seeing that the creators had a talent for this.

I saw people asking:

"How did Stolas go from using Blitz as a sex toy to being painfully in love with him?"

Oh I can tell you. I can tell you the EXACT moment this is revealed. But it's not spoon-fed to you; it's quite subtle actually and this is why lots of people miss it.

See, one of the strongest talents Vivenne has shown me is that she REALLY knows how to get her characters to communicate their feelings to the viewers JUST from their expressions and body language. These can be 'blink-and-miss-it' teeny little scenes and it may require a couple rewatches.

But since people demand time stamps for all information others post here, I'll rewatch a few scenes from S1 E7 'Ozzie's' as I'm typing this.

'Ozzie's' remains to be not just my favorite episode of HB...but probably my favorite episode of any adult-targeted animated show outside of Japan (aside from S2 E7's Mid-Season Special)

It has this huge reveal for both Blitzo and Stolas.

We'll first address Blitzo's irrational, stalkerish behavior of Moxxie and Millie.

He's obsessed with them. He finds both of them very attractive, fantasizes about threesomes with them and is constantly inserting himself into their personal lives.

Why?

Because they have everything that he badly badly wants for himself.

They have the perfect marriage and he is trying to live THROUGH them.

This was hilarious to me at the beginnning of the show but it's slowly revealed that it's one of the most tragic and depressing things I've ever seen. And it's scarily realistic too.

But you know this already so let's move on...

Blitzo follows the couple to Ozzie's but he can't get in without a date. So he calls up Stolas and yes, this is very low but he doesn't realize how much this means to Stolas (hell, I'm not sure even Stolas realizes it himself!) but the owl man is giddy with joy, he rushes over and they enter Ozzie's.

When Ozzie and Fizz mock Moxxie for being so sappy towards his wife, this strikes a chord with Blitzo (because they're his IDEAL relationship) and he speaks up to defend them.

NOW PAY CLOSE ATTENTION; THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART:

Fizz, still holding onto his past grudge turns on Blitzo to humilate him:

"Some nerve you got commenting on a relationship"

Time Stamp: 11:37

As Fizz says "-ship", Blitzo VERY QUICKLY makes eye contact with Stolas who has a look of panic on his face. Blitzo is seeking VALIDATION from Stolas in this sharp, subtle second of screentime, as if to ask

"Well, ARE we in one?"

And then what happens next...Stolas remains silent, Blitzo's ex joins in to announce how selfish Blitzo was in bed with her, tearing him down further. Stolas stands up like he's going to put a stop to it but then Ozzie notices him and interrogates him about sleeping with Blitzo.

Blitzo looks incredibly ashamed and guilty as Stolas blushes with similar feelings...and hides his face behind his menu; HIS BIGGEST MISTAKE IN THE SERIES SO FAR.

Time Stamp: 12:24

The look on Blitzo's face as he grits his teeth and darts his eyes away basically says

"Yeah, I should have known...boy am I an idiot for trusting him to stand up for me".

(look how SHOCKED he is...wow, this hurts fr ;_;)

This is a silent betrayal on Stolas's part. Afterall, his reputation is on the line, so if he were to defend Blitzo, it confirms they are in fact, dating. He chose his pride over Blitzo and Blitzo is crushed by this betrayal.

Moxxie finishes his song and kisses his wife tenderly. Stolas watches this and also wants to have an affectionate moment with Blitzo (who is rightfully glaring daggers at him) and tries to reach for his hand.

Blitzo rejects his touch and suggests they leave. As they do, Blitzo still looks furious and hurt. Stolas is now realizing how badly he screwed up with a "What have I done?" face (13:41)

He even looks disappointed with himself.

After Blitzo drops Stolas off, he thanks him and tries to smooth over the awkwardness with sweet talk but Blitzo just rolls his eyes in disgust and pulls on his face like "I don't want to hear this bullshit".

He responds coldly and curtly, "Yeah." Stolas makes more suggestions to spend time with him, which just makes him even angrier and he snaps

"I'm not fucking you tonight, okay!

I'm really just..." (14:28)

he pauses to wipe a tear because at this point he can barely hold it together (top notch voice acting and animation directing btw)

"...not in the mood, Stolas."

Stolas still tries to talk him into doing couple things unrelated to sex.

Blitzo's face switches back to anger and frustration because Stolas isn't getting the message so he goes for the blunt tactic;

"Stolas, don't act like what we have is anything but YOU wanting ME to fuck you, okay?"

(14:42)

"You make that really clear all the time."

(again his voice sounds like he's about to break down)

"But I-I just can't do it tonight, okay?"

(Finally meets his eye)

"...I'm sorry."

I believe this is code for "I'm sorry we're even in this situation and how your reputation got damaged. " Or, more painfully, "I'm sorry I'm such an embarrassment to you".

Stolas replies "Okay" and takes a deep breath to compose himself. They say goodnight and depart.

An important note here is that Stolas calls him "Blitzo" instead of "Blitzy" to show more respect.

As Blitzo zooms away coldly, Stolas looks up at the sky with tears in his eyes, surprised at how much it hurts.

He then sits down with his head in his hands in anguish...because he's getting that

"Oh...no. These feelings are real" epiphany.

And as if this wasn't enough angst, Blitzo collapses onto his couch at home, goes through the memories on his phone and starts sobbing.

I'm going to be real with you; this is the most heart-breaking shit I have ever seen in an adult show of this type. It's also the first time a show of this type got me to cry.

The last six minutes have revealed so much information without spoonfeeding it to the audience because the show RESPECTS its audience.

To recap:

*Blitzo takes Stolas on a first official date to use him

*Stolas is extremely happy about it

*Blitzo gets humilated and looks to Stolas for validation

*Stolas betrays him and breaks his heart

*Blitzo snaps that their relationship is nothing more than lust-driven sex

*Stolas realizes he's actually in love with Blitzo and it's a huge problem because (he believes) that it's unrequited.

*Blitzo breaks down because the ONE person whom he thought would protect him didn't do so.

So these two are convinced that neither one loves the other...while the irony is, it's quite the opposite.

Because if Blitzo REALLY didn't feel anything towards Stolas, he would not have gotten this emotional.

Yes, they are both lonely...but I really don't think that's all there is between them.

So..........we know WHEN they started falling...now the question is why;

I think the answer's quite simple; single-target affection.

It was mentioned in S2 that Stolas and Stella did sleep together ONE TIME...but Stolas didn't enjoy it at all. He is stuck with a wife who hates him so much that she put a HIT on him...and a daughter who thinks he's a loser. Blitzo is pretty much the one person in his life who is able to make him happy. That one small, bright spot. He enjoys the sex with him but he also simply enjoys his company, as shown in Ozzie's episode. He is thrilled to simply talk to him about his day...and do anything else that couples do. They're complete opposites. Stolas is an intellectual but naive and sheltered. Blitzo is poorly educated but cynical and street-smart. Opposites attract...though this is likely more from Stolas's POV than Blitzo's.

In other words, Stolas is into bad boys xD lmao

In Blitzo's case, Stolas is the only character who shows him physical affection which he desperately craves. He's pretty tsundere about it most of the time...but I think he actually does enjoy that attention...especially when he's always getting disrespected by Moxxie and Loona..and quite a lot of people around him. BUT he's too scared to get serious with anyone because of past trauma and he also believes that no one could possibly love him as a person. :(

Reasons I Think This Love is Real

Aside from what I pointed out in the Ozzie's episode...there's quite a lot of evidence, esp from Stolas's POV.

After he realizes he's in love, he goes to Asomodeous for an ALTERNATIVE method for Blitzo to use so they will no longer sleep together. He wants to set Blitzo free. Which means he DOES truly love him because love is about being generous to the other person. He COULD be totally selfish about it but he isn't.

Asomodeous mentions how against love potions he is and Stolas agrees. He thinks that's out of the question.

'Look My Way' music video. Lol I don't have to say anything more.

In S2 E6 OOPS

This exchange at 16:57

Fizz: Seems your taste has gotten more 'regal', lately?

Blitz: Yeah, well unlike you, I fuck who I want WHEN I want. I'm not gonna be tied down to some big blue-blood asshole.

Fizz: You coulda fooled me the way Prince was cozying up to you at Ozzie's.

Blitz (gets very defensive) HEY! Stolas only cares about have a rugged peasant raw-dog him into his mattress, okay!

It's nothing...(gets hesistant and looks away)...you know...

(Fizz gives him a 'bitch please' look xD)

"it's nothing else."

Fizz: Then why were you even there?

Blitz: OTHER very important reasons of course.

Fizz: Whatever. I don't actually care.

Blitz: Stolas is just a loud, thirsty BITCH!

(Fizz is rolling his eyes again)

Blitz: He loves feeling the thrill of getting dicked by the lower class.

It's a novelty to him.

Fizz: LITERALLY just said I don't care!

Blitz: And then he'll call me and try to see how my day was!

And he'll pretend to care about me and comment on my photos laugh at my jokes...

Fizz: (Smirking) OH! That's definitely your clue right there that it's all bullshit!

Blitz: I KNOW, RIGHT??

Fizz: (Making a 'What in idiot' expression, shaking his head)

Blitz: HE'S JUST A FAKE, PRIVELEDGED ASSHOLE...

Fizz: Sounds like you just hate him for being a prince!

No one (laughs) and I mean NO ONE pretends to care that much just for a cheap lay.

All right. IF ANYONE knows what real love is like, it's Fizzaroli...who is in a very HEALTHY relationship with Asomodeous. He recognizes the signs because he's IN that place. He sees it...and he's annoyed that Blitzo keeps denying it and brushing it off...yet clearly can NOT stop talking about Stolas (amusing irony)

To sum up (this freaking essay lol) 'Stolitz' ABSOLUTELY has the potential to be pure and true...these two just need to communicate...or Stolas has to PROVE to Blitzo that he's serious about his feelings in another way.

There is no doubt that this ship is 100% endgame and is a case of the 'Earn Your Happy Ending' Trope. I look forward to the rest of the journey. Ron is putting my feelings about Stolitz in a perfect phrase:

[minsungchronology]

My Personal Opinions on Minsung's Dynamic (2023)

Disclaimer: I am not trying to pass off my opinions as facts. This is my personal interpretation of what is laid out right in front of us. I could be completely off base because I don’t know these guys personally, so take this with a grain of salt and feel free to disagree!

I feel like this is the year where they’re as blatant as they possibly get.

This year, a lot more eyebrow raising moments come about. Ironically, a lot of them completely go under the radar under more popular moments (I.e: the neck kiss) that can be explained away as normal skinship (Han has kissed other members on the neck before) or even fanservice.

LK and Han seem a lot more settled into themselves as the year progresses. However, a lot of the habits we’ve seen of them have not changed one bit. The way they act (in concerts especially) directly parallels to how they were during all of those fansigns back in 2018. They’re always goofing off together, always finding ANY kind of way to interact. Sometimes I don’t even think they realize they’re in their “own world” at times cause it seems so habitual at this point. Someone who has seen the group in person has said it’s a lot more (extreme?) if you drift off to the side and pay close attention to those two.

This year (I don’t put fan sightings or airport pics, except the Jeju one lmao) there’s been an array of fan sightings (+ a few direct stories of their hangouts) of them during their off time as well. Like in previous years, they always seem to find a way to spend time together outside of work.

Now for a moment that I haven’t seen being talked about a lot:

Apart from their concert shenanigans, I think this one is one of the most telling. It’s during the YT live they have before Lollapalooza with Seungmin and I.N – the one where LK has the zoomies. LK asks Han for his hotel room number and Han laughs because he obvs can’t give it away on live (a lot of people freaked out about this but that’s not the part that made me raise my eyebrows at all, there was nothing questionable about that imo). It’s Seungmin’s reaction, rather. As soon as LK/Han are within a closer distance and Han responds, he literally scoots up closer to the camera to block them and stays frozen for a while. I tried to think of any other reason why that happened, but nothing else seems to come to mind.

Moments that got a kick out of me:

Han stomping his feet as soon as LK strips off his coat (for him, not for the fans 😭😭😭) during Sydney day 2, as he was watching him through the big screen.

LK being V.I.P to Han’s muscles and blatantly checking him out before Han covers himself up during the one of the later dome tour concerts.

Han twirling his butt for LK (im not making this up) during the soundcheck before the second Los Angeles concert and the look LK gives him as he’s approaching. 😵‍💫

And the long-awaited moment I’ve been itching to talk about. Maniac Tour - Sydney day 1.

Hooo boy.

There’s a lot to unpack, but I don’t want to go into details at all, for good reason (I think it’s pretty clear if you watch the clips). The way they were acting throughout that concert had me speechless, like they couldn’t turn off their giddiness for one second. Take a shot every time Han’s butt gets smacked/touched in that day alone. LK getting on YT live a couple of days after and trying to explain the ~lower body workout~ they had. If you notice how nervous he was trying to explain himself- 😵‍💫

Han couldn’t even sit down prop– *gunshots*

But anyways, it’s the most sus moment between them I’ve ever seen.

And 5-Star promotions. It was a time when Han was feeling noticeably under the weather. If you watch all throughout that period, Lee Know is so attentive and watchful of him. While Han strikes me as a “words” kind of person (case in point: their 2 kids show episode, Han was doing most of the talking lmao), Lee Know comes across as an “acts of service” type of guy. You’re not really going to hear him wax poetic about the members, but you’ll see his love for them through his actions. This is so evident here. You can see how much LK cares about him; the love he has for Han has always been so obvious, since the beginning.

From what we’re able to see, LK never seems to pressure (or even playfully tease) Han to act a certain way. He lets him be, all while being super attentive and being playful/funny as a way to make him feel better.

Also, Han being the one to write and share “Want So Bad” (+ the times during the tour where he pointed at LK when fans would show him husband/boyfriend/girlfriend posters; I wasn't able to find the footage paired w/ the posters of those moments unfortunately) makes all of this so bittersweet. Especially when you look back at his reactions towards LK in 2018 with anything “flirty” or potentially anything that toes the platonic line (i.e: the feelings discussion in the 1st 2KR). Having that little insight really pieces a lot of things together, especially when you go back and watch their moments from previous years. Again, they've come so far. 😭😭

My personal opinion:

I believe this is the year they want us to know, or rather the fans who have long suspected something going on between them.

Here, they’re at their 5th year of being idols (almost 6 years as a group). At this point, they know just how much they can get away with. The act of shipping is pretty ubiquitous amongst different groups because of the conditions we see them in (members are in constant close proximity with each other and we constantly see them interact). Which makes it easy for fans to partake in the act of shipping. These guys have been shipped with each other (and with other members!) for years now.

Skinship, Shipping, and “Bromance” isn’t exactly discouraged at all either. There’s a long history of fans shipping idols together, within and outside of their groups. Fanservice surrounding this is also widespread. I’ve followed enough groups over the years to notice certain/similar patterns amongst the shipping side of the fanbase and the idols concerned.

Which is where Minsung come in.

A few of the things they do (or the group as a whole, rather) can be passed off as just that (some of the 'ments at the Japan DOME concert tour come to mind), but a lot of things we’ve seen over the years cannot be explained away with FS or even SKZ-typical skinship and flirting. The “slip-ups” (I.e: Sydney day 1 lmfao) and the consistent patterns of their behavior I’ve compiled throughout these videos (I.e: LKs behavior in 2018, 2022, and 2023, especially) are at the tip of the iceberg.

There’s the “you’re my boyfriend, too” moment. The reason why I believe it made the final cut in the vlog was because it’s directly quoted from a show (also telling of how clever LK is). A moment like this could easily be written off as FS, however, it’s their reactions to it all that make me believe it’s legitimately a safe but clever way of saying something (before the more blatant Want So Bad was even written). As soon as LK jokingly says that his Gimpo friend is his boyfriend, he looks straight at Han and says “right?”, as if trying to egg on a reaction from him. Han visibly looks taken aback, like he was almost about to choke on his food, probably not expecting LK at all to say anything like that. But Han (probably also familiar with that quote) says “What about me?”. And LK responds accordingly.

Also, Felix/Changbin did a SKZ record love duet a couple of years back. Chan also suggested Felix do one with him during a (2KR?) episode. He recently released one with I.N too. It’s not exactly foreign to them.

Artists of the opposite sex collab on love songs/duets all the time. But I obviously don’t think any of the other members are more than platonic in any way shape or form because they don’t have consistent actual eyebrow raising moments that can’t be explained away with SKZ’s usual brand of jokey and/or playful flirting (i.e: CB/HJ’s dynamic), their no-boundary skinship, or run-of-the-mill fanservice that’s not unusual in the industry.

Opinions on the 2 Kids Show Episode (cause someone asked me about it and I thought it would be appropriate to add it onto here):

FIRST THINGS FIRST…

I am shocked by the near lack of teasing from Changbin. I thought he was going to go all the way with the teasing (in a similar fashion LK did with Felix and CB). He did get a few couple of things in though (Like how Han said he was too tired to go back to his dorm after he hung out with LK even though they live a floor apart) and CB being like “ooooh wow that’s a creative excuse”.

I’m also surprised, but not surprised by the vague description of “Want So Bad” from Han. First, during his Q&A on bubble, and then during the 2KS episode. To me, that speaks volumes. Especially when you compare it with how Han normally speaks about his work and with how other members (who also did love songs) spoke about their own duets. 

And them saying certain things about their bond, but then kind of contradicting themselves minutes later is interesting??? A lot of things were kept vague-ish throughout the episode - compare with Felix/Changbin being more open/specific about their friendship and joking about certain things like the pre debut kiss vs Minsung being more lowkey-ish.

If Minsung just released “Want So Bad” without doing much of anything questionable, then I would honestly believe they are just friends because, again, love duets aren’t exactly foreign to the group.

But take all of the genuinely eyebrow raising moments + the love song (and its more specific lyrics, i.e: the cosmos flower mention; get closer I'm not playing around) + the near lack of/vaguer discussion compared to other SKZ records/try to compare their "discussion" to I.N/Chan's and Felix/Changbin's + Han specifically saying as he went over the lyrics he was reminded of LK. It paints a pretty damning picture IMO.

Which is why I believe they’re using whatever they have within their means (the pervasive shipping culture, the industry’s familiarity with fanservice, other things that overlap with what other members have done/said in the past like the the duets, etc.) to say as much as they can possibly say without damaging their careers and possibly the careers of the people surrounding them.

[slutforleeminho]

143 • Bangchan

Just you and Chan saying I love you for the first time

Today was just like every Saturday morning, beams of light coming through your window, warming your face. A smile forming on your face as you remember your plans for the day. You and Bangchan go on a date every Saturday. It was hats to find the time during the week with you going to college, having way too many classes to go to, and Chan’s very busy schedule.

It’s not like you don’t talk to each other as much as possible, texting in between classes and when he was on break, and often falling asleep on the phone, his voice being the last thing you hear before drifting off to sleep. Sometimes your schedules would line up and you could have lunch together, always going to the coffee shop that was perfectly located between your university and his place of work, so you could both meet there without one of you driving forty minutes to the other. It was perfect.

Saturday quickly became your favorite day of the week.

Chan informed you yesterday that today he wanted to surprise you with what was planned for today, and that he'd pick you up at one o'clock. He told you to wear whatever you wanted, "but you might want to wear something to suite the weather, it's supposed to be pretty warm tomorrow." you recalled him saying. Checking the weather app proved he was right, saying it would be in the seventies and sunny for the majority of the day.

You stared at the ceiling for a moment after letting your phone fall to the space beside you on the bed. You were loving the way you felt like a school girl with a crush, giggling at the thought of him coming up with the idea of planning the date all by himself. You wondered what he had put together for you. Amusement park? Walk on the beach? Maybe a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant? "At 1 pm?" you thought to yourself and decided to scratch that one off the list.

Once you finally rolled out of bed, glancing at the clock, it read 8 o'clock, so you decided to make some breakfast. Opening the fridge to see your options, and met with nothing that sounded good. You decided on a banana, since you hadn't been grocery shopping in a while and didn't really have anything else. Plopping down on your couch to watch a couple of episodes of your favorite show to pass the time. You had to pry yourself away from the television when you had to get ready, being that every episode ended with a cliff hanger.

You brushed your teeth and put on some light makeup, since you had no idea where you were going you didn't want to overdo it. Just some concealer, mascara, and lip gloss. Then you worked on your hair, curling so you had soft beach waves and pulled half of it up into a claw clip. You were indecisive on what to wear, you know he said it didn't matter but you couldn't help but worry you'd be to dressed up or worse and be dressed down. So you pulled out your phone and clicked on your recent phone calls, not being surprised that Chan was at the very top. You clicked on his name and put it to your ear, listening to it ring.

"Yes darling" his deep voice came from across the line and sent a shiver down your spine. No matter how many times you heard his voice it never ceased to make your heart flutter and have your stomach in knots.

"I don't know what to wear" you whined back into the speaker.

"I already told you that it didn't matter. Wear something comfortable."

"Can't you just give me a hint on where we're going so I can make sure I'm dressed according to my surroundings." You tried to negotiate, but he was having none of that.

"Do you not trust my judgment? Is this you telling me I have no since of style?"

"No of course no-" You tried to explain yourself but he cut you off almost as soon as you started.

"Wow I'm hurt honestly." The sarcasm in his voice was very much noticeable.

"Stop teasing me, you know how I am. I just wanna be sure, you know?"

"Tell you what, wear that dress I got you a couple weeks ago. It'll be perfect for today, I promise."

"You're sure?"

"Have I ever lied to you?"

"I don't know, have you?"

"No."

"Ughhhh fine I'll wear it."

"Good, I want to see you in it." there's those butterflies again. "I have to finish getting some stuff together so I'll so you later, alright?"

"Okay, L- see you later." You heard the call end and threw your phone on your bed and slapped a hand over your mouth. You couldn't believe you almost said it. The big L word. Did you love him? You've been together for almost five months. You still remember the day he asked you to be his like it was yesterday.

You both met at your university actually, Bangchan came to meet up with one of his friends. While you were walking out of the building he was walking in. You were so focused on your phone, ordering food so you could pick it up before going home. You ran straight into his chest, which made you stumble back a bit, although he barely budged. You didn't believe that you could fall for someone just by looking into their eyes until that day. He was surprised by what had happened, but soon stared back into your eyes. You were almost sure he was thinking the same thing you were. You didn't know how much time passed before you finally cleared your throat and apologized, never taking your eyes off of his. He was so mesmerizing, his eyes sparkled in the sunlight, his lips looked so soft and pink, and his brown curly hair was so perfectly neat. His skin was tan, he was buff but not big. He was definitely sculpted by God himself. You choked on air when he asked you for your number, definitely not expecting that. His confidence is admirable, if he didn't have the balls to ask you out you probably wouldn't be together today.

You knew on the first date that if he asked you to be his girlfriend you wouldn't hesitate to say yes. And that's exactly what you did. After a couple weeks of hanging out, texting nonstop, and just getting to know each other, he asked you to be his.

But does he love you? As soon as the thought entered your brain, you forced it away, refusing to let your stupid overthinking ruin your day. You distracted yourself by digging in the back of you closet to get the dress Chan instructed you to wear. The dress was a light baby pink color with spaghetti straps. It hugs your hourglass figure perfectly, insinuating your waist, and was looser at the bottom. It was very comfortable and only came down to your knees, so you could move freely. You put some white tennis shoes on and grabbed a small white cardigan to cover your shoulders from the wind. By the time you were finished it was 12:47 pm, almost perfect, you thought to yourself.

You finish putting everything you needed into a small purse and sat on your bed, scrolling through Instagram until you heard a knock on you door. You practically skipped to your door to open it, not even bothering to check and see who it was first. When you opened the door you saw a very handsome looking Chan staring down at his shoes, raising his head to just to lower it again, scanning your figure.

" You look so beautiful." He complimented you.

"It's just the dress." You smiled back at him, but his smile dropped.

"It has nothing to do with the dress" His words took you by surprise, you cheeks turning a bright red. Before you could respond he held out his hand for you to grab which you did, and he led you to his car. He opened the passenger's side door for you, and once you were in he closed it gently, making sure you were completely in. He got in and started the car, looking over at you.

"You ready?"

You shook your head aggressively. "I'm so excited"

"Good" he smiled back at you. He put the car in reverse and pulled out of the parking lot in only a few swift motions. He handed you the aux and told you to play whatever you wanted. So you decided on Lilac by I.U as the first of many songs you would play. You were singing along to the lyrics but couldn't fucus on what you were saying, when Chan's hands on the steering wheel caught your eyes. His fingers were covered in rings, most of them being ones you got him since you were basically weak for his beautiful hands.

It seemed that Chan noticed your internal fangirling, but only smirked as he made a sharp right turn. The sudden motion startling you, causing your left hand to land on his thigh. As soon as he straightened the steering wheel and slowed his speed, you yanked your hand away from his leg and placed it in your own lap, apologizing for what you did.

"Why are you apologizing?" He laughed at your flustered state.

"I don't know" You laughed with him.

"Here" He reached his hand out, his palm open and facing up, waiting for your own. You placed your hand in his, and all he did was intertwine his fingers with yours and rest his arm on the console. It was a simple and small gesture, but it made your heart race. Chan on the other hand was focused on the road without a care in the word.

After what felt like hours of driving, he finally pulled up to what looked like a really big park. He took the car keys of the ignition and unbuckled his seat belt, looking over at you probably expecting you to do the same.

"What is this?" You asked curiously. He threw his head back and groaned in frustration.

"We're so close babe, so close. But fine I'll tell you. We're going on a picnic."

"Really?!?!" You shrieked with excitement and quickly unbuckled before reaching for the door handle. Chan laughed loudly at your eagerness. He got out of the car along with you and opened the door to the backseat and pulled out two different lunchboxes and a blanket. You offered to help carry something but he refused and only grabbed your hand once again to lead you to the spot he had picked for you both. He led you to the top of a hill next to a big tree and laid out the blanket while you stood there in awe of the view. You could see a good portion of the busy city, and below the hill was a small playground where kids were playing and laughing. The tall tree shaded where you and Chan were standing, making it the prefect place to hide from the sun. Once he finished laying out the blanket and placing the lunchboxes on top of it, he signaled for you to sit down with him. You obliged and watched him take out containers of food from one of the boxes, and a couple bottles of soju from the other, along with two bottles of water.

"Did you make all of this?" You asked, genuinely curious.

"Yep. Took me all morning too."

"You didn't have to do all this. We could've just went through a drive through and ate here."

"You're right I didn't have to, but I wanted to. And I don't regret it either, not when I get to see you happy and smile the way you are. And especially when I get to know I'm the cause of it." His smile got wider with each word. "You deserve nothing less than everything I can give you, this is nothing compared to the things I would do to see you happy."

You didn't know what to say so you didn't, letting all your thoughts go and letting your needs take over. Before you could change your mind, you leaned across the blanket over all the food and kissed him. You knew right then and there that you loved this man and would do anything for him. Your hands were on either side of his legs to hold yourself up, and he placed his hands on the sides of your face to kiss you back. It was so passionate. You and Chan have kissed before but never like this, it was always nothing more than a peck. But this time was different, your lips moved together perfectly in sync. You weren't completely sure how he felt about you, but now you knew for sure he felt the same way you did. Totally in love.

He was the first one to pull away to catch his breath. Keeping his hands on your cheeks and starring into your eyes.

"I love you so much." Your eyes widened at his words, but you recovered quickly and smiled.

"Say it again." Your eyes flickered from his eyes to his lips and back to his eyes again.

"Only if you say it back."

"I'm so in love with you Christopher Bang Chan."

He erupted into giggles and you couldn't help but laugh with him.

"Not my government name."

"Say it back!" You whined.

"Okok I love you (your full name)."

You wanted to stay like this with him forever, but the moment was short lived when a group of teenagers starting yelling "get a room" and bunch of "oooh's" from afar.

You sat back in your spot and looked in their direction.

"I'm going to kill them." He laughed at your reaction.

"Come on, baby let's just eat the food before we attract ants"

You weren't the one to say no to him.

(not proofread)

The way I was giggling and kicking my feet the whole time writing this. If you enjoyed the story please consider reblogging it and leaving a like:) It gives me motivation knowing people actually enjoy my work. And if you have any request don't be shy to send me an ask!

taglist: @yumiblogs

[butterflydm]

wot deeper dive 2x4: daughter of the night

This specific post I am going to avoid any spoilers from the books! I will be doing another post later today that includes those spoilers and related thoughts.

I feel like I can safely call him 'Ishamael' now. The information is all there in the episodes.

I do like this initial 'calling' scene, though we got a lot of it teased to us before the season aired, so I've talked about it before. But we hear the word 'Lanfear' here, though it's followed by a lot of Old Tongue, so it might not have stood out too much to people who didn't already know that it's someone's name.

Given what we saw of the flashback last season "3000 years ago", I feel safe in saying... yeah, looks like Ishamael is among the ruins of that older civilization. Probably brings back some memories. Also, time-stamp note: it looks like he's wearing the black buttoned outfit that he wore last season, not the blue with the gold tie-clip-like design that he's been wearing this season.

3. The bloody woman! I wonder if she's bloody (and naked) because that's what she looked like when she got sealed up or if it's something that happened due to the process of unsealing. It looks like the seal was already partially damaged, so maybe that's why Lanfear was bloody when she woke up.

4. I loved Anveare's plotline through this episode. I really enjoy what the show is doing in showing us the downside of being a channeler -- outliving your friends and family, watching them grow old and die. Having children is a crapshoot -- if they're a girl, and they can channel, then it's a relatively normal parental relationship. But if they're a boy or if they're a girl who can't channel, then they will inevitably die before you. We're introduced to Anveare again by showing us her signs of aging -- she looks at the lines on her face and puts on an elaborately-styled wig to cover how white her real hair is.

5. Here's a question: given the age of her butler and how she talks later about needing to ask friends for food (and the general vibe of the manor house itself); it sounds like their house truly is fallen, as Moiraine mentioned in s1, and is having serious money issues (though in the way that nobility has money issues rather than the way that the people in the Foregate do -- she's not poor, she lacks funds) and Anveare seeks to fix the problems both of money and of her house's image by marrying her (unnamed for now) son to the Cairhienin queen (also unnamed for now). The interesting thing to me about this is that it means that her conversation with Rand in the last episode probably did have an element of genuine sympathy for the Foregaters in it -- it sounds like she's also felt like she could lose her home and her place in society. And it's implied that she's an artist! I really loved seeing the sketches and paintings in her study.

6. The conversation between Lady Anveare and Moiraine is so painful! Moiraine is NOT here to engage emotionally with her younger sister -- she is here to find Rand and to try to keep Lanfear away from him, and she has no time or patience for anything else (as we saw with her behavior with Lan as well). It's clear how frustrated Anveare is with Moiraine's behavior. I'm assuming that she guessed straight-away that Moiraine's appearance here had to do with the mysterious redheaded boy who visited Logain and made an appearance at a party (because it's also made clear in this episode that Logain being sent to Cairhien was not 'business as usual' with male channelers but an oddity, which means that Anveare has probably been keeping an eye on the sanatorium ever since he arrived) -- if Moiraine actually had been willing to slow down and take tea with her here, I wonder if Lady Anveare would have just told her about Rand. But Moiraine "my loyalty is to the Dragon Reborn and him alone" Sedai does not have the patience for such things. I like that we're really seeing the damage that Moiraine's singlemindedness has been doing to her relationships with the people around her. It's not targeted at Lan! It's everyone who gets in the way of what she thinks she must do! The way Moiraine sweeps back into the house and just immediately starts giving orders!

7. Guilty Rand and Selene ready to take advantage of it (twisting the knife by blaming herself for the fire when of course she knows how it really started). She's so manipulative! I love how effective she is as a villain here. She's good at finding weak spots and exploiting them without giving away that she's aware of what she's poking at. And the facial expressions are just... on point, always. But Rand is worried that he'll hurt anyone if he's around them, and the more he cares, the more he worries.

8. Poor Nynaeve. The Accepted testing really put her through the wringer. I like that we only hear the flashback here and that we don't actually flash back to the test. It just happened last episode! We can remember it fine. They did a good job of showing why Nynaeve is currently feeling more emotionally connected to Liandrin (who also has a child, like Nynaeve has the memory of having a child) than to Egwene, who has not experienced anything like what Nynaeve has gone through. And Nynaeve needing to take that moment to remember and go back to put her ring on. Egwene is trying to hard to connect with Nynaeve but Nynaeve just... she was essentially 'trained' by her time as a Wisdom not to want to burden 'the kids' with her troubles (we see that in the very first episode when she launches her Bel Tine lantern separate from the rest of the village, not letting them see her mourn the people she's lost).

Also: the Accepted rooms are a big upgrade from the novice rooms!

9. We transition from Nynaeve feeling out of place to Lan feeling out of place. He has his hair down, similarly to how he had it in her vision of her AU future, but the quiet happiness that was on his face in that future isn't here now. This is a slower-paced episode for Lan and he doesn't get a big reveal at the end of the episode like we get in most of the other plotlines but if I think of it as an Alanna-focused plotline rather than a Lan-focused plotline, there is a reveal -- the poem and, potentially, the worry that Lan and/or Moiraine might be Darkfriends (we'll maybe find out next week if that's where her thoughts went or if she instead assumes that Moiraine is hunting Darkfriends or something similar).

I mean, thinking about the information that Alanna has:

a. discovers this poem which references the Daughter of the Night -- she doesn't even want to believe that Lan knows who it's referring to! Because of the Implications.

b. talks about how Moiraine changed twenty years ago, very abruptly (this is also likely when Moiraine and Siuan had their very public falling-out) and became colder "like ice".

c. Moiraine was willing to use Alanna to threaten Lan with a forced bonding, which Alanna went along with because Moiraine is her friend, but she may now be thinking about that in a different way -- why would Moiraine want to push Lan away that hard? (this would be leaning into the idea that Moiraine is a Darkfriend and Lan isn't)

It's pretty suspicious, when you think about it! So... if I think of this plotline as less about the show trying to tell us about Lan and more about Alanna: Investigator (mirroring Moiraine: Investigator in Cairhien) in Cairhien, then I feel more patient about the slower pace. And Alanna: Investigator has two co-conspirators that she trusts absolutely, which is a big contrast to Moiraine, as is her relationship with her family! Where Moiraine is cold and pushes away her only relative that we meet, Alanna is warm and teasing and clearly has maintained strong bonds with her large and loving family.

We get three very distinct and different types of ways that Aes Sedai deal with being Aes Sedai and how that affects their family: you can be the cheerful guardian angel of your extended family, like Alanna is (and Maksim and Ihvon are clearly fully part of the family as well, and adored by the children); you can cut them off entirely, like Moiraine has; or you can keep them a secret so that your enemies can't use them against you, like Liandrin has.

10. Alanna always being hungry is such a great character choice. I think I may have read that it was initially the actress's idea? But they are definitely playing into it this season and it works so well, on so many levels. She is a woman of strong appetites, who isn't ashamed to show it. And, like she did with Egwene and sex in 2x1, she's assuming here that Lan also has large appetites (for food, in this case).

11. This scene with Alanna does feel like it gives us a lot of information -- Maksim and Ihvon are on suicide watch for Lan (suicide is a big theme in this episode, actually), but Alanna doesn't think that's the issue here. We learn that Alanna plans to return to the Tower the next day, and we get the info drop about Moiraine's abrupt change twenty years ago. We also have Alanna feeling Lan out about his current plans. Despite what other characters say, Alanna herself doesn't much behave like she's planning to bond Lan imo. She mentions Nynaeve to him here and presents Nynaeve as the potential new option for him. But Lan was just told in 2x2 by Moiraine that he failed her as a Warder and he felt that too -- he wasn't able to protect her just by himself and so he's doubting himself.

In... certain ways, what Moiraine did to Lan over the last few months is not dissimilar to what Liandrin did to Mat, in terms of making them doubt themselves as a person. Their motivations were different but the results appear somewhat similar -- both Lan and Mat are adrift and not certain which direction to turn. "Where would I go?" seems to be the question on both their minds. Lan doesn't feel he would be any use to Nynaeve, just as Mat doesn't feel he would be any use to Egwene.

12. Moiraine looking at all the little pieces of her youth -- the dollhouse, the mirror, the books, the music box, the... cigars? And I love her silhouette her in Cairhienin dress. It's so distinctive. She allows herself some softness here, when she's alone, that she doesn't allow when she's around Anveare. Moiraine: Investigator is now out on the town! This scene is even more interesting knowing that Celestin (head of the sanatorium) sends reports to Lady Anveare. I wonder if Lady Anveare has already guessed that the redheaded boy is a man who can channel, given who he was interested in meeting and that Moiraine went to speak with him too.

13. Loved Moiraine and Logain's scene but, wow, very sharp and intense. She tries to bribe him with the wine and fails, but she does successfully bribe him with the promise of being allowed to kill himself if he does want she asks (which really puts it into perspective how terrible it is to lose the One Power). We get our explanation here of why the gentled false dragon was in Cairhien instead of Tar Valon (bait for Rand) and it's so good! Definitely a joint venture between Siuan and Moiraine -- I imagine that Moiraine penned her a desperate message as soon as she was able to, after realizing at the Eye that she'd screwed up by letting Rand leave. I imagine they also probably made it very public gossip that the false dragon was in Cairhien, explaining how Rand found out about it in the first place.

14. It does sound here like Moiraine's current plan is to stay in Cairhien so that Rand can learn from Logain, but it's very possible that discovering Lanfear in bed with Rand at the end of the episode has changed her plans. We will see!

...also I love Moiraine's pockets.

15. Poor Egwene trying to sort through her feelings, while Elayne does her best to be supportive. Elayne is very sensible-head here, which I appreciate. This isn't a situation that Egwene can 'fix' for Nynaeve, no matter how much she wants to help. It's a lovely and sweet moment between the two of them that shows their growing friendship, and we also get to see them doing chores at the same time, which shows us that Elayne is settling with the White Tower routine. Egwene feeling small and useless in the Tower. Baby. *hugs*

16. And then we get the flipside of things and see Nynaeve's discomfort in the Tower and with being Accepted. She tries to go to the Warder's training ground to find Maksim and Ihvon, but only finds a friendly Warder-in-training who has heard the hot gossip about her skills and is interested in presenting himself as a potential bonding option for her. We do see here that it's the specific friendships that she'd formed already that she was seeking out in the earlier episode when she sparred with Maksim and Ihvon, and not simply sword training itself.

17. Liandrin spots this conversation and then receives a message. This is where we get our discussion between Liandrin and Leane about the invaders on the western coast. The conversation is very vague with Leane, but then when she talks to Nynaeve later, Liandrin suddenly has a bunch of information about a specific group that was captured by the Seanchan. Given that we do find out in this episode that Liandrin is working with Ishamael (from the Mat & Min plotline), it's easy to guess where she got her information about Perrin and Loial's capture.

I love Leane's little shoulder wrap thing. The fashion in this show just vibes with me. I enjoy it. We do learn here that sisters were sent to investigate the attacks in the west.

I am very curious about what explanation they'll give for where Siuan currently is. They've made it a mystery and pointed out twice now that it's a mystery (both here and in 2x1, in the conversation between Egwene and Nynaeve).

18. Aw, wolves! This scene is great. Perrin gets some answers from Elyas, we learn about how the wolfbrother business works, Perrin learns that he isn't a werewolf, and we meet Hopper! What a cutie! I really liked the visualizations and the sendings of the wolves. We also learn that the wolves have been seeing Perrin's dreams.

I love how Elyas clearly is trying to help Perrin but his idea of help is just kinda... off from what Perrin thinks of help as.

I really like how seriously the show has taken Perrin's grief over Laila.

19. Lan has been obsessing over the poem, and Maksim catches him putting it away (explaining how Maksim knew where to look in the later scene). So... if I'm thinking about this storyline in terms of Alanna: Investigator, then Maksim talking to Lan here is just as much about trying to get information out of Lan as it is about trying to 'help' Lan get over his 'broken' bond with Moiraine.

"Have you ever known a marriage that is exactly the same another?" I do like that they are establishing that Warder bonds can come in all different kinds of ways.

20. Now we are back with Moiraine: Investigator, who is trying to figure out where Rand might have gone after the inn that he was staying in burned down. (I assume this conversation was also reported to Lady Anveare, lol)

21. Lanfear admits a small lie to Rand here (to get him adjusted to the idea that she can lie to him and it's okay?), saying that her family never came here, that it was actually her and her ex. Lanfear constantly talking about her ex with Rand: haha, I understand why he's just ugh, "Ugh, idk he sounds boring [aka I don't want to talk about your ex-boyfriend 24/7]" especially since we know from the conversation later that Rand has caught feelings for 'Selene' even though he was trying his hardest not to. He's likely assuming that the ex was older and more sophisticated and it makes him feel young and unsophisticated in comparison when she keeps bringing said ex up.

The music here is so good.

22. Mat and Min! This is a cute interaction, though it's colored by the fact that the viewers know that Min is working with Liandrin. Mat is so so adorable here and I'm glad he was able to shed the coat for this scene. Also, Min paying the bartender to get Mat drunk (so that he'll sleep through her 'meeting' later).

23. This conversation with Nynaeve and Liandrin is so good and so manipulative. Liandrin is able to take the information that Nynaeve discovered (about her son) and use it for her own benefit. I do think there's a certain amount of regret for her that she's pulling the trigger on the plan that she was given to follow by Ishamael (from her apology later) but there's no hesitation. We know from the conversation with Min in a little bit that Ishamael makes promises. "I couldn't risk losing the only thing in this world that's truly mine." A reason to make a deal with Ishamael? And she offers the carrot here for Nynaeve to take -- people you love are in danger. She knows Nynaeve well enough to know that Nynaeve will take the bait, and likely assumes that Egwene will get swept along with Nynaeve (she saw how much Egwene cares about Nynaeve last episode).

It's only Elayne that was a 'complication'.

24. So, again, in the context of Alanna: Investigator... Ihvon trying to work out why Moiraine left Lan behind (and being the distraction), while Maksim and Alanna snoop in his stuff. We do also learn here that Alanna and her Warders all agree on their top priorities: the Light winning out over the Dark (and then dessert).

25. Genuinely enjoyed Anvaere successfully playing Moiraine. This is her city! She's the one who stayed! She knows the place and the people. And it's a good reminder to Moiraine that people who can't channel can be just as capable as those who can. She left Lan behind to protect him, but Lan is willing to risk his life for this, just as Moiraine is. Anvaere has been doing the hard work of re-establishing their house and family after their uncle did something that destroyed their reputations (unspecified). And Anvaere got what she was after from the beginning -- for her big sisters to sit down and have tea with her.

26. Elayne and Egwene's conversation here is very cute. Elayne has lived with duty all her life. She's just perfect in this scene (she's perfect).

Nynaeve not expecting Egwene to come with her has to be SUCH a blow for Egwene to hear. That Nynaeve has misunderstood her so badly, that she's believed that Egwene is after power for power's sake, rather because she wants to use that power to help people (and especially the people she loves).

And Elayne following them. So cute!

Of course, then Liandrin shows up. But it was very cute until then!

27. "No one escapes their fate. You know that better than anyone." This dream that Ishamael pushes on her, so that she'll be more receptive to his offer, really is so heartbreaking. No wonder she wanted to escape and travel and go as far away as she could. The show has done such a good job setting up believable emotional stakes for the characters.

The second that Min realizes who she really made a deal with, she wants to break it. And here is where we officially find out where Ishamael wants Mat to be led: to Cairhien.

Of course, Rand is in Cairhien. And Min had that viewing about Mat stabbing Rand. But she doesn't know that Rand is in Cairhien. Interesting puzzle pieces.

28. Once we know that Lanfear is a Forsaken, I feel like we can guess that she set up this entire scenario (ex. why are they sleeping outside? Selene said she wanted to, probably, to set up the scene properly) -- she brought the Fade here, she wanted Rand to use the One Power so that she could act out the part of Distressed Girlfriend Struggling With Learning Her Boyfriend Can Channel. She does such a good job, too. She really plays on his fears and how desperate he is to still feel like himself. You can really see how his heart his breaking when she pulls away from him.

Natasha and Josha are so good in this scene. There are so many levels. She also manages to continue to give surprisingly solid life advice, which is somehow incredibly hilarious to me. But I feel like Rand is, uh, probably going to believe all that advice is terrible now.

We also see that Rand is learning the sword but still isn't very good at it, as the Fade quickly disarms him and he needs to use the Power in order to protect himself and (probably more importantly to his mind) 'Selene'.

29. There is definitely a part of me that wishes that this had just been a romance scene. Rand getting tied up (and liking it)! 'Selene' literally thumbs open his mouth for their kiss! The way she kisses down his body and the expression on his face! It was a very very sensual scene, very well done. "You are the first woman who's seen me as a man" he tells her and I think he means that pretty precisely -- he loved Egwene but he still felt like a boy with her.

But instead of being a romance scene it's, you know, a deeply traumatic moment for Rand and will hamper his ability to engage in emotional intimacy (which will also potentially lead to other delicious angst in the future, though, I hope). We've definitely been getting a lot of trauma for our youngsters set up in recent episodes and we're only half-way through the season, so plenty of time for more trauma.

So far, we have:

a. Mat has been, essentially, emotionally sabotaged by months of Liandrin picking away at his brain; and we know that he's been set loose to follow a plan laid out by Ishamael which is not likely to lead to rainbows and puppies (I will have some theories in my later post with book spoilers).

b. Nynaeve suffered the trauma of the arches and now has been betrayed when she finally had come around to trusting and respecting Liandrin Sedai.

c. Perrin watching one of the men that he's been traveling with killed in an incredibly brutal way and being helpless to do anything about it. He also was told that what he is brings him closer to the Dark One.

d. Egwene has been the main target of all the 'fake-out deaths' in the show -- Nynaeve in episode 1 (which she believed until episode 6); Rand in the current season; and then Nynaeve again last episode.

e. After struggling with his identity all last season, and making the choice to abandon his friends for their own safety, Rand has built himself a new life but couldn't help himself from caring for the new people in it. Just as he'd given in to his emotions about Selene (who he has potentially been sleeping with for months at this point) and she appears to have accepted him as a male channeler! ...he learns that she's essentially a super-charged version of Dana (to simplify things). He literally gets covered in her blood while he watches helplessly, gets hit with incredibly distressing news that he can't question because he knows the person saying it can't lie, and then has to abandon this woman that he's come to love while she's lying dead on the floor and his sword still has her blood on it. Formative trauma centering around emotional intimacy and sexual engagement, table for one!

30. Alanna, Maksim, and Ihvon also realize here that one of the Forsaken is loose, which is gonna confirm their belief that the Last Battle is at hand. Alanna doesn't want to believe that Lan knows he's been carrying around a prophecy about one of the Forsaken, aww.

31. Lanfear reveal! This ending was so intense. Moiraine attacking Selene but explaining that she couldn't kill her and then that blink at the end. So good!

[freefromthecocoon]

"____ Came Back"--Part 1

So, I have a working theory about what Carol said on the radio to Daryl about "____ came back." This will be a lengthy post as there is a lot of history and context to cover.

My theory is that Dwight is who Carol was referring to. (Or Dwight and Sherry)

So, this entails some knowledge about the last season of Fear TWD and some major flashbacks to different seasons of TWD.

In Season 6, episode 6, "Always Accountable, " Daryl gets stranded in burnt out forest and gets held at gunpoint by Dwight which is where we first meet him, along with his wife Sherry (Honey) and her sister who is diabetic and depends on insulin. Daryl breaks free from them and takes the cooler from them, (not knowing at the time they have the insulin in it for Sherry's sister). Daryl tries to return the insulin to them, but they all get surrounded by the Saviors. Daryl realizes they are in a jam and tries to help them and offers them "sanctuary" in Alexandria, only to be double crossed by Dwight and Sherry at the end.

Now, I am including this next clip, but it's Negan talking about Dwight to Daryl, so if you don't watch I understand...my those were dark times. But, it shows that Daryl is learning why Dwight has done the things he has and also Sherry.

Negan continues to try to break Daryl, but Daryl is unbreakable and he and Dwight agree to disagree (I still say that Daryl would not kneel because of Carol and to protect his family).

So, Dwight switches sides and Daryl almost kills him when Rosita presents him at ASZ. But Daryl ultimately lets him live. Dwight reminds Daryl that Sherry helped him escape the Sanctuary. But Sherry also escaped and left Dwight a goodbye note and now, Dwight wants Negan dead.

So after the war...Daryl doesn't kill Dwight as he vowed to do to avenge Denise and his own torture and imprisonment...he releases Dwight with one instruction, "Find Her"

So, Morgan crossed over to Fear at this point and now we will go into Dwight and Sherry's history on Fear.

Morgan had been on Fear for about a year at this point... This is when Dwight first appears... And yes John and June Dorie were beautiful and i hate that John died the way he did in Season 6.

LIke I said John Dorie was a beautiful character and I love that June and John were the first people Dwight met.

I will point out that later in Season 6 finale, John and June get married and Dwight gives them his and Sherry's rings. Sherry had not yet been found by Dwight.

Now I am including this next clip that has nothing to do with Caryl..but I adore John Dorie and he is such a badass here and I know it's OTT, but I love it. (Pre ZA, John worked for a "wild west" show and did gunfighting/trick shot demonstrations)

Dwight and Morgan reunited.

Dwight really got a chance to redeem himself on Fear and I loved his and Sherry's arc.

This reunion moment was everything. Al and Dwight were scouting for this group that had captured them (too much to go into here). Al was trying to find her soulmate and Dwight was helping her...when he finds Sherry. I loved EVERYTHING about this scene.

So Sherry and Dwight go through some angst related to their Negan /Sanctuary PTSD. I won't share clips cause this thread is hella long already. Suffice it to say they worked through some of it and wound up with Sherry pregnant at the end of Season 7 after they survived a nuclear apocalypse (yeah, Fear got really lame in Season 7 and even in Season 8).

In Season 8 we had another timejump of around 7 years and the Padre villains let a walker bite Dwight and Sherry's son Finch so the villains could have June experiment for a cure to the virus (did I mention how lame it got). Dwight and Sherry had tried to help Morgan save Grace after she got bit and died when Morgan went back to Georgia to put down his walker wife and son. So they were all in Georgia.

Dwight and Sherry separate after Finch dies because they felt like they couldn't stay together.

This post will be continued in Part 2, lol.

[whispering-about-loki]

I had a thought!

Possible future episode LOKI SPOILERS!

Okay, here I go...

What if General Dox is actually a Variant of Sylvie from a branched timeline?

It's weird, I know, but bear with me...

I was rewatching the episode, and there was something about the way Dox carried herself -- about the way she walked down the hallway that evoked younger Sylvie for me. Also, there was the familiarity with which she spoke of Sylvie in the war room and the... odd relationship with X-5.

In a previous post I suggested that Rafael Casal might be playing a version of Brad Wolfe (Zaniac) that was possessed and ordered to hunt down Sylvie, but now I am wondering if this Brad Wolfe is fully aware of who he is as X-5 and that he had some kind of deal with Sylvie on that timeline. I mean, in the clips where X-5 is shown "hanging out" with Mobius at McDonalds there is definite familiarity there, so he clearly knows Mobius enough to banter with him. And hell, why would they take him to the McDonalds where Sylvie works at all unless there was some connection there?

Okay, so maybe this is how it happens: The Sylvie working at McDonalds and the one in the record store from the trailers are not the same person. We know that the screen said that when Sylvie ended up in Broxton, Oklahoma in 1982 it was a branched timeline. That implies that there are other branched timelines that Sylvie could have ended up in. What if one of the branches took her somewhere else, and while she lived a peaceful life in Oklahoma for one of them, she had a somewhat more complicated life in another?

I mean, we can assume that the Sylvie we saw in the record store is a Variant Sylvie and not the same one as in the McDonalds, because there is a poster on the wall of the record shop for the German band Camouflage in concert, and they did not tour until 1989; while the uniform Sylvie is wearing at McDonalds was phased out in the early 80s. Additionally, the Sylvie shown working with Loki and the others in the TVA later has the same earring that the McDonalds Sylvie is wearing, while the Record Store Sylvie does not appear to have one.

So, here's my thought: The Sylvie at the record store is living in the late-80s to early 90s and is in a relationship with Brad Wolfe, the actor. He knows about her and what she is, and she has helped him to be successful while she (for good reason) stays out of the limelight. But for all this, she is not happy. Then, one day, everything all begins to unravel. Literally. While Sylvie is listening to records, the time tendrils begin to twist and wind.

She knows that time has caught up with her, so she tries to escape by stepping through a time door, only to find out that it is too late to go that way.

So she makes a decision. She goes and gets Brad, then takes him with her to an alternate, branched timeline. There, they are captured by the TVA, by Sylvie's design. Once in the TVA, she manipulates the system and sets herself and Brad up as Hunters, making sure that neither of them lose their memories. Over time, Sylvie makes her way up the ranks to General (Dox), all the while trying to eradicate the Lokis so that this will not all happen again. Eventually, she finds herself as a child and has her captured, hoping that this time things will be straightened out. But again (as it was meant to happen all along) Young Sylvie gets away and it all begins again, with Dox!Sylvie now realizing it was her that set this all in motion, she again tries to fix her mistake by hunting down the other Sylvie and pruning all the timelines that her mistake caused.

I know this was all a bit out of left-field, but it was something that came to me and I really wanted to share it, and if it does turn out to be true in any manner, you can find me over here pondering my orb.

Oh, as an aside, Camouflage (the band I mentioned above) had a song that came out in 1989 called "Love Is A Shield", some of the lyrics of which are:

There is a feeling that flows through me When you are near you make it real And we could live for this ideal And all the pictures we run through Seem to be perfect, seem to be true But nothing is quite forever, especially staying together

...make of that what you will

[dk-wren]

Buddy Daddies Week - Ep. 1-4 Rewatch

Welcome to Day 2 of my Buddy Daddies Celebration Week! Today, I present to you some of my thoughts and musings from my rewatch of the whole series. Today will focus on episodes 1-4, with my thoughts and reactions for the remaining episodes being posted throughout the rest of the week.

For some reason (I honestly don’t know why), I was very adamant that the main timeline would eventually cross paths with the prologue and we’d see those events again or perhaps it would be referenced in a later episode. Obviously, it never did. And so thinking about it now, if I had to place where the prologue happened, I would guess between episodes 5 and 6 (I know this isn’t necessarily anything new or groundbreaking. This is just me going through my thoughts).

I was originally thinking sometime between Episode 4-6 since Rei had slowly begun his process of opening himself up to loving and taking care of Miri, or accepting that he is her papa. Episode 4 was my starting guess because that’s where we’re introduced to Miss Anna, and Miri actually starts attending daycare. Additionally, Rei is still a little reserved or closed off at this point. However, based on the first scene of ep. 5 and Kazuki’s financial gymnastics, it seems like it’s been awhile since their last mission. Which to me, wouldn’t make sense for them to go on the prologue mission between these two episodes. Rei’s walls start to come down some more in ep 5, and Kazuki and Rei both agree that they kinda need to take on a few more jobs to make a living. With Miri getting mad at Kazuki and fully letting him know how much she loves Rei, I feel anything after ep 6 would make the prologue mission feel out of place in terms of Rei’s behavior. Additionally, by this point it seems like Rei had slowly begun to help out more around the house and with Miri. Therefore, with Rei and Kazuki needing to complete the mission they were on in the prologue, but Rei seemingly not as observant or involved with taking care of Miri, that is why I am placing the events of the prologue between episodes 5 and 6.

The way the kitty just snuggles up next to Rei! She knows she’s safe and protected next to him (and maybe that he’s always been a good person who is capable of loving another!!!)

Rei seems to have some understanding of Christmas, did he celebrate this when he was younger? Since that seems highly unlikely, did he just pick up on it and learn over time? Or did Rei experience his first true Christmas living with Kazuki?!

Random thought of the episode…is this their truck? Where do they park it/store it since we only see it on missions?

Love how Miri's priorities are cake first, finding papa second

Is it bad that it took me reading someone’s post on here to realize Kazuki and their target, Atsushi Hayami, were meant to look similar? Like I see it now, but on a first watch, I was completely oblivious to it.

This opening!!! I remember watching this scene for the first time and just thinking to myself, yep, that’s a four year old. And Kazuki, this man is already questioning everything. But also, despite being the one who is more prepared to be a father, I like how this scene shows how there are things that Kazuki is learning and may not have considered without experience

I don’t know a whole lot about name honorifics or modifies in Japanese, but I love how after Rei rejects “Papa” Kazuki still tries to keep it a family name with “Uncle” (before settling with “Rei-kun” for this episode and part of the following one).

Based on his reaction, I get a feeling this was the first time Kazuki made Rei french toast. If so, I wonder if Miri asked for Kazuki to make it or if he just decided that’s what would be for breakfast

Out of context, this scene is still pretty funny, like Miri managed to destroy their apartment in probably a few hours at most. When I watched this clip the first time, I always thought when Rei said “cover” (at least, according to the translation), he was talking to Kazuki. As in, to keep Miri distracted, they told her they were playing hide and seek, with Miri hiding and they would be the ones to find her. After watching the episode, I picked up that Rei was meant to be directing that comment at Miri, which I love how seriously he says it like its an actual critique. Just goes to show I guess how much Rei has grown over the course of the show in his approach to playing with/talking to Miri.

Moment of appreciation for this iconic scene!

I feel like I should have taken this post credit scene more seriously when it came out because wow did it do a good job of formally introducing Ogino and just what would be in store when this fun little family comedy took a turn

How do I hug little Rei while simultaneously punch Shigeki?

I really enjoy how despite Kazuki trying to get Rei to take on the title “papa” or “uncle” in the previous episode, both he and Miri respect that he doesn’t want to be called either name and generally will use “-kun” instead

Even though up until this point, Rei hasn’t been actively shown to take the lead in caring for or wanting to keep Miri, I love how he can already see right through Kazuki’s stance that they should return Miri to her mother

I’d argue this exchange just goes to show how much Miri already loves and accepts Rei as her papa, even if he does not actively return the gesture. She wants to know where he is and when Kazuki says he doesn’t know, she actively goes out to try and find him. Then, she comforts him in ways she’s probably familiar with: staying by his side and by saying the smile spell

This man is a hitman and (as we learn in a later episode) used to do gaming all-nighters, but is absolutely dead after playing for no more than a few hours with Miri. Another very accurate portrayal of how draining spending time with children can be, in terms of keeping up with their energy level

Based on the brief background given about Misaki and the impressions at least I took away from this episode, I wonder if this is what Misaki told Miri about who her father was and why he was not present in their lives

Nothing to add, just gonna leave this scene here.

While I totally understand Kazuki and Rei’s reactions, and empathize with the messes Miri is accidentally creating, it says a lot about Miri in how she wants to spend time with both of them and/or help out with chores

One of my favorite, small moments, is the two times in this episode where music is playing as Kazuki and Miri start walking in one direction, with Rei heading the other way, only for the music to cut abruptly and show Rei forced to go wherever the other two are headed

As Miri is figuring out daycare herself, I think it’s sweet how her future friends, Kotori and Hinata, are the ones to somewhat explain why they don’t want to play with Miri (and why the other children feel the same way)

This post credit scene or the one from ep 4 is probably my favorite. Just another example of Miri showing how much love she has for her two papas. I also can’t help but wonder how many items in Miri’s room were chosen by her (aside from toys and decor) and how many were chosen by Kazuki and Rei? Also, how long did this take them? And please tell me that Kazuki dragged Rei with him as they went furniture shopping.

Also, if Miri only got her room at the end of the episode, where did she sleep the two nights they went shopping? Because in the beginning of the episode, Miri is still seen sleeping on the couch, but both times all of their shopping bags are covering the area where the sofa is. I think I’m looking to hard into this…

.

.

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Thank you again for your support and for reading this post!

I hope you enjoyed reading some of my thoughts and random questions I had while rewatching this show (which I decided to edit down since this post would have gotten really really long otherwise-debating if I wanna post my full, unedited thoughts though at a later point). I think they do a good job of capturing the way my brain normally works, so yeah...

Anyways, hope to see you again tomorrow!

-Dakota Wren

[chialeah]

TCR EPISODE 9

Fuck- this episode was so tense and heartbreaking but so so good! Definitely the toughest episode to watch so far. Masterclass in acting from all the cast involved! Major spoilers below!

1. With minimal dialogue from Danny this episode Tom brilliantly spoke through his eyes/body language to convey Danny’s inner thoughts/emotions. I truly was heartbroken watching Danny watch Candy betray him and stay loyal to Marlin. Also his face during the final scene! I truly couldn’t handle it.

2. The actress playing the DA is eating fr. I will definitely have to check out more of her work! Christopher Abbott has also been giving a wonderful performance these past few episodes. I’m such a big fan of his work and TCR has been a great addition. They truly are the backbone of the trial and have been doing a great job raising bigger issues/questions about Danny’s overall place.

3. Annabelle, Angelo, and Jerome taking the witness stand was a great addition. You could tell that they all were sort of empathetic to the internal struggles Danny has been dealing with(whether or not he deserved it in those specific situations). Jerome-I love you fr! I’ve loved his performances from these past two episodes and am grateful that he has been able to show a more gentle/vulnerable side to Danny and his alters.

4. Candy! I appreciate that the episode established that she was at the receiving end of abuse too. “Guilt or Grief, which one can you bear” is such a banger line and it was interesting to see how Candy reacted to it. I HATE that she did that to her own son but I get why she was so afraid. She wasn’t ready to lose everything so she decided push her own son further away by lying. Truly a shame fr! I hate Marlin so so so much! Appreciate the actor giving this role his all because he’s truly made Marlin such a despicable character lol. The look of heartbreak between Candy and Danny after she took the stand will haunt me.

5. The final scene! I had such a visceral reaction to this scene it was crazy! I knew that the binder clip was going to come back in a dangerous way. The look of solemn terror but also relief after Danny harms himself was so heartbreaking I legit started to sob. I do appreciate the show not showing the action of abuse or self harm but rather the characters reactions to it. I think this is a really smart way to emphasize the emotional/psychological toll it takes. I have a lot of questions about the outcome of Danny’s action in this scene but i guess we’ll find out more next week!

6. Spoilers!- From the set pictures and locations used during the filming of episode 10 it seems that whatever the outcome of the trial is Danny hopefully (eventually) gets sent to a mental facility upstate! Looks like some time has passed and Rya goes to visit Danny. He even has his scars from where he harmed himself! I’ll put some of the set pics below! This is truly saving me from having a full freak out about this episode lol.

Hopeful that we get to have some closure for Ari, Jonny, and the other alters in some capacity in the next episode. Hopefully Candy steps up in some way in the next episode as well. I also am looking forward for Danny’s defense (including Rya) to get a fucking win in the incoming parts of the trial. This show has truly done a great job giving example to the nuanced history mental illness has had within the social/judicial/political systems at play here in the U.S. Can’t believe we’re at the finale already! Looking forward to seeing these storylines get wrapped up. Great job all around! Bravo Tom!

My episode ranking so far:

9-8-7-6-3-5-4-2-1

[blocksruinedme]

Something big is happening in Empires & Hermitcraft. Let's discuss! Specifically, Grian, Smallishbeans, LDshadowlady and Fwhip's episodes the week of October 9, 2022. I've clipped all the relevant scenes down below. I'm very interested in corrections and commentary!

[Note: They all ended their episodes at a portal with weird stuff happening, so if you're looking to check videos for rift lore, maybe skip to the ends.]

- October 9 - Grian finds a button in front of his Hermitcraft rift. It says "Begin?" Grumbot[1]  gives him a message that says "Push the button". He tries not to, but eventually gives in. (This is typical Grian behavior.)  (HC 9: Ep 23)

- October 11 - Lizzie finds a portal on Empires that bears some suspicious resemblance to Grian's rift. Hoping she might get crystals, she sends a fox named Gary through on a minecart to investigate, and bring back "lots of crystals, the shinier the better". They hit the portal, Gary goes through, the minecart doesn't. (Is Gary a modded villager? That's lizzie's thing?) (Empires s2, Ep 11)

- October 13 

(1) Joel spies the portal from his bridge, having heard about it already. He says he'll send something through because Lizzie already did. He sends one of his Jimmy dolls - it's important to remember the doll is named "Smallishbeans's Head". There's no minecart, he just chucks it in.  (Empires s2, ep 19) (2) Fwhip hears an explosion and finds the portal, decides to not engage with any of it. Later, Lizzie comes to Fwhip for help rescuing Gary, and they send Fwhip's creature, "Sniff, Explorer of the Deep", through the portal on a minecart to get Gary. I have no idea what kind of creature Sniff is. Some modded goblin horse I get. Snort's older brother. idk. (Empires S2 : Building a GOBLIN LAVA FORGE, because he can't be bothered to use episode numbers I guess?)

Maybe it's not Grian's rift, maybe Hermitcraft and Empires aren't connected, but that would be WILD. If you don't know, Grian is IRL friends with Lizzie and Joel, so them collaborating makes a lot of sense. Sausage is having big flashbacks to Empires s1 and Afterlife SMP. Gem and FalseSymmetry are in both Empires & Hermitcraft, and False's plot is about having woken up in a strange place. Pearl is in Hermitcraft, and was in Empires s1, and there's deep lore about her that I'm not caught up on, but she already exists between series, she sent Oli (theorionsound) from Afterlife SMP to Empires season 2, from her base in the sky. She's been Watching everything! She's a Saint? A Goddess? (I am going to catch up, I only finished emp1 this month.) And I'm told her afterlife/empires sky base is her hermitcraft s8 base. 

The Jimmy toy looks like Jimmy and has Joel's name. Their Double Life soulmates are in Hermitcraft. I saw a comic once that had Tango finding a Jimmy doll and it feeling familiar. Thus, I am now insane and will be at least until empires s2 is over, probably forever.

Here's some videos and some transcripts, but I've been at this two hours and I'm not transcribing them all, sorry!

(I will hopefully keep updating as things develop, but no promises. Probably with less transcription. I'll tag them all #mcyt crossover, because who knows how deep this will go.)

Joel transcript, at 13:26 - Joel spies the portal. "and whilst we're here, look at that. that's lore right there. weird lore stuff's happening on the server guys. what is it? I don't know. But I saw that Lizzie put something in it, so we should go put something in it as well. So what better than this little toy man here? Well, the toy version of the toy man. Have fun little toy-- oh, it's missed. Let's try again." [toy name says "Smallishbeans's Head"] "Have fun little toy man! And just like that, he's gone. I hope he's okay, but if he's not okay, then that's fine as well to be honest.

Fwhip transcript

11:57 - Fwhip says Jimmy is toying with his heart. </3

12:00 - Fwhip hears an explosion. "What? Bridge? What is (x3) that? I'm sorry but this is brand new. How did this pop up here out of the wall? [confused goblin noises] You know what, if I've learned anything being underground in the goblin cavern it's don't dig where you're not supposed to be digging. I'm going to be leaving that as if I've never saw it [things about copper and cave safety] spooky things are happening". 

15:30 - (too long to transcribe) Lizzie blows the emergency horn, says there's a situation with Gary, the greatest explorer who ever lived in Animalia. She's upset that Gary hasn't come back, Fwhip tells her that he heard an explosion earlier, Lizzie is more upset, wants a rescue mission. Fwhip says his empire's greatest explorer, "Sniff, Explorer of the Deep" has just returned home, [they laugh heartily]. Lizzie takes Fwhip and Sniff to the "crystal cave". Fwhip says maybe Gary did the explosion. Lizzie says Gary had a very specific mission (get crystals) and he'd never stray from the mission protocols. They tell Sniff to find and bring back Gary. Sniff spins around a lot, because he's excited for a job. They put him on a minecart, Lizzie makes a Harry Potter reference (which she and Joel do all the time), and the episode cuts right there, no outro. 

Time stamped links to the original videos (give them a like!): 

Joel https://youtu.be/rUmWjXaJGcw?t=805

Lizzie: https://youtu.be/bunhaERjxmE?t=533 Fwhip: https://youtu.be/jI3bYNJXuVs?t=717 (second part is at 15:30)

Grian: it's the whole episode https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Onsbmy3r70g

[1] Grumbot is... in HC s7 Grian and Mumbo he made a robot son to help Mumbo win the mayoral election, then they lied to him and sai that he won, and put him in a (nice) box. Now there's a grumbot here and maybe he's from an AU and he says creepy things like "My Grian was sorry too" and I've only watched bits of all this.

[iimr3]

okay. so. finale review

where do i even begin im still in emotional shock

okay the entire setup for the episode is so fucking cute. the little rock, bones, and leaves stage!! the fact that he's doing a history show for his parents!!

i am still in love w the fact that even with the INSANE plot going on, i still learned about history! and it was fun!

also garrett & joyce sounded like there were having a BLAST playing the dinos.

daddy dino my polyamorous bi king!!!!

oh my god the way that the family was just so loving. his mom & dad constantly reaffirming their love for their professor son and encouraging his incomprehensible (to them) jokes. gah

god that extinction even fucking sucked huh.

i fucking KNEW shane was gonna find a way to make this finale heartwrenchingly genuine. fuck you fuck you fuck you (affectionate)

the song basically tore through my chest cavity and vaporized my heart.

ALSO. i realized that while we think of the asteroid impact as destroying the earth, ive never thought about how it destroyed the asteroid?? and the fact that the song had parts from the asteroid's perspective

and god the fucking clips of the earth when it said its a good place to stop. god. what the fuck

RYAN BERAGA HOLY HELL TEAR HIS HOLOGRAPHIC ASS APART

obsessed w ryans acting. i just love watching him do anything but hes just so. i love him. i love him being an action hero while fighting a holographic puppet.

him using the vape to knock him out w "DODGE THIS" hell yeah

AND BEEF BOY SAVED THE DAY SOMEHOW..... also little tiny genie shane! glad to see ya back buddy!

OH GOD THAT REUNION. it was everything i wanted the professor apologizing ryan apologizing the hug !!!! :'''')

also: im so glad the dino parents survived!!!!!!

also im loving the new slightly bigger professor puppet finally in the actual stage- which was foreshadowed last season!

EXAMPLE WINDOW: THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF SET-UP AND PAYOFF BABY

also, in a way, ryan's constant threats of violence to the professor also got fulfilled, just through a proxy

perfect beautiful amazing showstopping stunning the only question that remains unsolved really is the puppet souls (and also how the hell the professor reincarnated himself). but that is far less urgent now that weve got our goodtime boy back!!!

[thegeminisage]

wow it is star trek update time. last night we watched ds9's "blood oath" and tng's "journey's end," which is one of the strongest quality ricochets we've had yet.

blood oath (ds9):

okay, so the summary said "three klingon legends" but what i didn't realize is that they were all REAL KLINGONS FROM THE ORIGINAL SERIES

i have to pain this picture for you, whoever is reading this. the three klingons in this episode appeared in "errand or mercy" "the trouble with tribbles" and "day of the dove." like, they really came back to reprise their roles almost 30 years later. i'm going to paste a picture but uhtw 60s blackface

now, if you're a tos viewer, you may recognize that fella in the middle as also having played the titular squire of gothos in. "squire of gothos." now, as an episode, i find "squire of gothos" to be pretty mid, but there is one specific scene that really did something for me. to me? it did something TO me. what it did to me was send me off the fucking deep end, i wish i could convey the depths of my madness with human words

(still screenshot grabbed from this infinitely more amazing gifset, give it up for @maulthots for enabling me, no literally please go through her gif tag and reblog her gifs)

anyway, before my good and wonderful friend so kindly made this gifset for me, i did maybe sit in front of my pc and replay the clip upwards of [mumble] times a day because i was very, very unwell. when i watched this scene for the very first time what happened to me in that single instant was the bone-deep realization that james t kirk (tos and aos) ate fascists on tarsus iv, probably, and he'd fucking do it again because nobody tastes better than a fascist! i wrote an entire fanfic about it, sorry for the spoilers.

what does squire of gothos and tarsus iv have to do with ds9? well first of all every star trek episode is secretly about tarsus iv so jot that down

but secondly, i've watched this clip so many times i have to hide my face when this man shows up in trouble with tribbles. now, i'm not so good with faces, but i KNOW THAT VOICE. but i know him AS the squire of gothos. i frequently forget entirely that he also plays a klingon, so i didn't recognize his name. so when i heard the squire of gothos's voice come out of a random klingon's mouth in ds9 my immediate kneejerk reaction was "no i am hearing things that can't be--" BUT IT WAS. i PAUSED the episode so i could look iy up, realized that the guy in the drunk tank was kor or "do you have a tongue you will be taught to use it" fame, and then to my eternal glee, kang shows up next

i remembered reading once that kang came back later and i was like ??? no one comes back later on tos BUT HE DID! I JUST HAD TO WAIT FOR IT!!!!! mystery finally solved...........

once i recognized them this episode was a blast. absolutely loving these 100 year old klingons getting ready for a rip roaring rampage of supercentenarian revenge. i was VERY sad that they died at the end but at least presumably they all died together (didnt see the last one go down but im just assuming he lived long enough to eat the albino's heart and then die)

(the albino is a really funny concept by the way like he's not even albino he's just a white klingon)

other notable things about this episode: firstly, quark hiding behind odo at the beginning. classic. secondly, dax actually being a good fighter ?!?!?! and finally, a true passing of the bechdel test where dax asked kira some alarming and upsetting questions about killing people and kira immediately took her aside and MADE her talk. i love. Women. and also women who murder people. i support womens wrongs.

i even love that the ONE time sisko doesn't back up one of his people it's for a good reason (doesn't want the 27yo reincarnation of his father figure to die on a klingon suicide mission)

10000/10, absolutely stellar ep, zero complaints

journey's end (tng):

oh boy.

just about the coldest bucket of fucking water...

you know, we tried to give this episode the benefit of the doubt actually. we were like "maybe this was progressive in 1994. i mean they ARE saying that moving these guys forcibly would be bad" and i mean like what would we know about what was progressive in 94? we were 5. so we checked and um i don't think anybody liked it in 1994 either

devastating that THIS has to be a wesley episode bc i wanted a better sendoff for my boy. "i had a vision and now i'm leaving starfleet" and yes they said the word vision in the most derogatory way possible. jesus christ

TRAVELER ALIEN RACEFAKING? HE PRETENDED TO BE NATIVE AMERICAN TO GIVE WESLEY THE VISION? and then he was like haha don't you know all that stuff is fake. (picard earlier in this episode "i am sooo respectful of your beliefs")

furthermore when picard was like "oh yeah this guy blames me for the crimes of my colonizer ancestor" girl at no point did he say that. idk if white people should go around accusing other white people of white guilt so i don't say this lightly but jesus christ captain picard can you tone it the fuck down buddy

i came across a gifset today of picard from season 5 (idr the episode) going "starfleet doesn't want officers who blindly follow orders sayign you're just following orders has been used to justify too many tragedies in our history" and then smash cut to this episode where he's like "well i tried but yeah i'm gonna have to move you sowwy :/" like good lord.

anyway it's a bummer these last few eps of tng have been less than great bc ik tng is capable of good episodes and i was hoping this series would go out on a high note. but it's going to end the same way it began with us waiting for something good to happen and throwing popcorn at picard

TONIGHT: ds9's "the maquis part i" and tng's "firstborn." i am Braced. for trouble.

[twinsunstars]

Discussing the new “Ahsoka” Trailer

As of today, a new trailer for the Ahsoka series was dropped, as the date for the premiere is coming soon. I am so excited for the series, and very happy that we are getting two episodes on the first day. I think some people have already seen this trailer because I heard that some of it was played at Celebration only for the eyes of attendees, and some people had already seen footage of Thrawn in live action. Let’s dive into an analysis of the new footage. 

We know Morgan Elsbeth (Diana Lee Inosanto) from The Mandalorian, but as fans have seen in the teaser trailer of Ahsoka, she had briefly appeared, despite being defeated by Ahsoka in The Mandalorian. She appears to be working with the inquisitors Baylan Skoll (the late Ray Stevenson) and Shin Hati (Ivanna Sakhno), as the duo was seen going around and attacking rebels, searching for something. The three are looking for Grand Admiral Thrawn himself, wishing for something in return. 

Hera Syndulla (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is seen fighting with the well-known shuttle part of the the Ghost, the Phantom II, along with her trusted droid Chopper, but she is also seen talking to some kind of council, with Mon Mothma (Genevieve O'Reilly) right in the middle of it. Hera clearly does not want another war starting, as she most likely helped finish off the war with the Empire. She definitely wants a life free from all the fighting, a life where her son Jacen Syndulla can live freely with no Empire there to affect his life. I hope we get to see some footage of Jacen soon, at least a small clip.

We get new footage of Sabine Wren (Natasha Liu Bordizzo), as she speaks more to Ahsoka. The way she called Ahsoka “Master” intrigues me. Why did she call her that? There’s something we don’t know yet, and I can’t wait to find out what. Sabine is still definitely the same, as Hera suggests Sabine to Ahsoka for help.

In a scene, Ahsoka is talking to Hera about her old life with Anakin Skywalker, when she was once his padawan. Hera listens, probably talking to Ahsoka and trying to get her to go to Sabine. There’s definitely some things that happened before the end of the Star Wars: Rebels finale, right before Sabine leaves to go with Ahsoka to find Ezra. 

Speaking of the beloved Ezra Bridger (Eman Esfandi), we finally get to hear his voice in live-action. Sabine listens to a recorded hologram of him, missing him more than ever. Ezra is saying, “As a Jedi, sometimes you have to make the decision no one else can, but I’m counting on you to see this through.” He’s counting on her to come find him. Sabine is ready to go, as she kneels down and cuts the hair she grew out. There is a similarity in the way she cut her hair, as Kanan had knelt down and gave himself a haircut before going off to save Hera. The parallel here makes me want to sob.

Ahsoka compliments Sabine’s new haircut right when she came to pick her up and set off to find Ezra. Sabine visits the mural she painted of the family, which was seen during the finale of Star Wars: Rebels. She taps Ezra’s face gently, missing him. Sabine is ready to get out again and find Ezra, as he is waiting for her somewhere out there. 

I think some people have already seen this before the new trailer came out today, but this is the first time I’m seeing Thrawn’s live-action face. I am excited that his voice actor, Lars Mikkelsen, is getting to play hm in live action. As much as I am excited for Ezra’s return, I’m very excited for Thrawn’s return as well. 

We see Sabine face off with Shin, fighting with Ezra’s lightsaber in hand. She knows how to wield one from her experience of training and wielding the Darksaber, and she is doing well with Ezra’s. 

Baylan faces off with Ahsoka, mentioning Anakin. This hints that Baylan used to know Anakin, and then he was probably a Jedi in the Order. We will get more information about him in the series, and Ahsoka’s fight with Baylan will be worth seeing. 

Hera joins the fight, most likely wanting to help find Ezra too and help Sabine and Ahsoka face this new threat. She won’t stand for another war, so she will do anything to end it before it begins. 

There is no information on who this Inquisitor is that Ahsoka is facing off with, but I have heard some people coming up with theories that this is Ezra. I don’t really think it is, but I am also scared to think that this is Ezra. Who knows what happened during the time he was gone. If it ends up being him, then something happened that made him change to this side.

There are many more answers we need to find out with this new footage, and the Ahsoka series will have all of those answers, along with the returns fans have anticipated for so long. I hope Zeb and Kallus also show up in the series, and we get a mention of Kanan.

Ahsoka premieres August 23, 2023 with two episodes on Disney+.

[fbfh]

rocks at your window pt. 9 - ricky bowen x reader

disclaimer: this series contains smut and chapter by chapter warnings, so as with all nsfw works, ricky is aged up to 18+!! ricky and reader are 18 and in their senior year

additionally, we're working towards a ricky x therapy plot so he's going to start expressing some symptoms of mental illness and bpd but he does get therapy eventually and has a good support system but he gets worse before he gets better yk. Obviously I'm not a professional and this is for entertainment so while I have done my research pls take this with a grain of salt!! or several!! /lh

!! contains some spoilers for season 1 of hsmtmts, and previous chapters of this fic !!

wc: 9.6k

genre: angst, hurt/comfort, not really fluff but a lot of high highs and a lot of low lows

pairing: ricky bowen x (afab she/her) reader

warnings: miss jenn is a legend icon queen slay goddess (cited two times), iconic interactions between the cast, jealous ricky being a cutie, ricky and EJ are not bros yet, nini has gone from messy to borderline evil, your mom is a legend, kourtney anxiety foreshadowing, opening night/theatre vibes so strong it made me tear up a little /hj, lynne bowen is a horrible horrible toxic person!!!, todd jumpscare, ricky has a mental breakdown, EJ is trying his best but horribly misreads the situation, ricky is in a crisis, ricky bpd episode, art to cope :'), ricky has a good support system, reader is good in a crisis, nini is REALLY testing your patience, gina gets a well deserved moment to shine, terrible theatre etiquette, ricky gets emotionally ambushed, mike is a good dad, nini gets yelled at by reader (slay), reader yells at lynne (slay), reader gets slapped (in a dramatic way not a violent or sexy way), reader gets called a slut as an insult, ricky defends you, messy necessary screaming match (slay), things are said that cannot be unsaid :/

summary: opening night is just as magical and incredible as ricky hoped it would be, just as wonderful as you made it sound - until the worst case scenario comes to fruition. but the show must go on, right?

song recs: something about this night - finding neverland obc, twenty million people - my favorite year obc, opening up - waitress obc, twinkle in her eye - leann rimes, window seat - amelie obc, this is how I disappear (instrumental) - my chemical romance, un organo suona - ennio morricone, the music and the mirror - a chorus line obc, holding onto you - twenty one pilots, you oughta know - jagged little pill obc

other media: "art is not a luxury, it's sustinance" - ethan hawke ted talk clip, "and the way he sings sends a chill right through me" - lullaby for the taken lyric by kimya dawson, "what a mother does for you out of obligation vs what a mother does for you because she wants to" - text post/poem by tumblr user vympr,

a/n: fangz to cici for reading!!! I felt like my immortal chapter 6 "paragraph" 4 while writing the last part trying not to under or overuse dialog tags lmao. remember when I said it's gonna get messy? it gets worse :)

tags @yesv01 @hopefullhearts @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @afidiofobia @aliyahsutherland @pikzel @demirunner @brinaslittlefreak @girlfriendwhoseawitch @matiere-detoiles @ifilwtmfc @uselesssapphickitten @nxstalgicnxbxdy @ggclarissa @n-slayaaaaa @stormi-ames @rainforest-daisies @sunshineangel-reads

You and Ricky had been planning to get to the El Rey early on opening night since tech week, to make sure you have plenty of extra time to get ready, warm up, and get in character. Plus, you’ve been telling him how much you’ve missed just being in theaters, and near stages. The more time you’re there, the better. When you’re on the way over Ricky couldn’t shake the excitement gripping him. You can’t seem shake the feeling something was going to go wrong.

It was different from nerves, different from anxiety or worries that everyone can get before a big event. It was the same small, nudging feeling you got the night the basement flooded during your run in Matilda. It’s not as bad as it had been that time, but you take in a breath, steadying yourself and knowing you should be ready for anything. When you do, the feeling is quickly overshadowed by your excitement. You haven’t acted in far too long, and you’re ecstatic that you’ll get to perform again soon. 

Once you get to the theater, you and Ricky are the first to sign the sign in sheet. You draw a little smiley face next to his name, and when he glances back at you, eyes falling on the paper. He smiles, struck by sudden joy at the little face. He leans back over and grabs a pen, drawing a smiley next to your name on the line below. Miss Jenn glances down when he returns the pen. 

“Oh!” she exclaims, seeing the little faces, “How cute. I love this energy we’re creating.” she gestures vaguely before shooing you off to your respective dressing rooms to get ready. 

Soon everyone’s there, and you’re once again wrapped up in the familiar hustle and bustle of show nights. You and your castmates are simultaneously getting in costume, warming up, and trying to get ready while helping each other’s hair and makeup. Ashlyn and Nini join you in an impromptu karaoke session, singing your hearts out to Bop to the Top while Nina riffs and harmonizes. The boys, one or two rooms away, start singing Getcha Head in the Game at the same time. In spite of the chaotic cacophony of voices, it's both a good way to warm up, and a good outlet for the nervous energy growing, bouncing from one person to the next, turning electric. 

Kourney enters suddenly, grabbing some bobby pins.

"Do you know if you have any safety pins?" She asks.

"Uh," you pause doing your hair, tying it up into a bouncy low half updo, and fumble through your bag, "how many do you need?" 

"Two or three?" She says hopefully. No matter how many you buy, bobby pins and safety pins always seem to be in short supply at every theater you've been to. You dig around for a minute before finding them, handing them to Kourtney.

"Thank you!" She declares, "Seb's shirt just completely-"

"Has anyone seen my glasses?" Ashlyn asks, and Kourtney pauses, noticing she's not wearing them. 

"Shit," Kourtney mutters, both of you looking around for them.

"Knock knock!" Comes Seb’s voice from behind the door.

"Decent!" You and Ashlyn reply in unison. Seb enters, holding the side of his shirt together with his hands. 

"Any luck?" He asks Kourtney. 

"Right here," she replies, holding up the safety pins. "Turn around." Nina puts in her headphones and starts doing some vocal exercises and scales to warm up a little more. Seb lifts up his jacket so Kourtney can pin the ripped seam back together.

"Oh," she remembers, "have you seen Ashlyn’s glasses?"

"The really big ones?" He asks.

"Yeah."

"Nope." He shrugs. She turns to Ashlyn. 

"We'll find them." Kourtney reassures her. Seb heads back to his dressing room he shares with Ricky and EJ, and you move on to the last few steps of your makeup routine. 

"Where are they?" Ashlyn huffs rhetorically. Natalie pokes her head in a moment later. 

"40 minutes till show time!"

"Thank you 40!" The three of you reply together. A little while later, you’re finally dressed and waiting for the glue on your eyelashes to get tacky, when you hear EJ call your name. You stumble out of your dressing room, zipping up your boot, and you’re greeted with EJ in his Chad costume, clearly in a huff. 

“Can you help me with my eyeliner?” he asks, a slightly petulant tone to his voice, handing you a black pencil. You laugh. 

“Yeah, hold on.” you go back into your dressing room, passing by Seb telling Kourtney something. You dig through your makeup bag as Seb reenters, Darbus glasses in hand, presenting them to Ashlyn. 

"Where were they?" She exclaims. 

"The prop table!" He says. 

"Why?" Ash asks, stating your thoughts exactly. 

"Natalie says they're technically a prop because in the detention scene when you…" you find what you're looking for, missing the tail end of his sentence as you leave a moment later with a stiff angled brush in hand. You grab EJ and lead him to the stairs where he can sit down. He does so, and you rub the bristles against the eyeliner, demonstrating for him. 

“This will make the application a lot more precise. Close your eyes…” you instruct, tilting his head back. You smudge the outside of his lash lines, careful not to make it look like too much. 

“Okay, now this is the scary part…” you trail off, gently lifting up his eyelid. “I swear I’m not going to stab you, just look down and don’t blink.” you instruct at the worried look on his face. You tight line the middle of his lash line for a defined, natural effect, then repeat the step on the other side. 

“Okay,” you say, pulling away to check that it looks even, unaware of Ricky standing a few feet away, watching you hold EJ’s face. You look so focused, and a twinge of jealousy flashes through his stomach, wishing you were holding his face, looking focused at him like that. 

“You should be good,” you say, and Ricky approaches, dragging you away as EJ thanks you.

“I just need to borrow her for a second.” he cuts EJ off, smiling tensely at him - one he returns. Ricky takes you a few feet away while EJ goes back into their dressing room. 

“What’s up?” you ask. He lets out a breathy laugh.

“I just… I can’t figure out this whole bronzer thing.” You bite back a smile. You know that  it’s bullshit, specifically because you went through his whole stage makeup routine with him twice last night. He could do his makeup and anyone else’s with one hand tied behind his back, so he obviously just wants your attention. You can’t deny that it’s really cute - and it’s working. He’s probably nervous, you figure. You chuckle, taking the brush from him. 

“Make a fish face,” you instruct, sucking in your cheeks and puckering your lips. His face mirrors yours, and you blend the product into his foundation. Your hand rests on his jaw, angling it this way and that until you’re satisfied with your work. He glances briefly back at the stairs, where EJ has long since left. Ricky’s about to look for any other excuse to keep you here for a few more minutes, your eyes light up, remembering something.

“Oh!” you exclaim, turning around, “Stay right here.” You’re back a moment later after digging through your bag past bobby pins, safety pins, your water bottle, script, sewing kit, extra makeup, makeup wipes, bandaids, and throat lozenges. You grab a small box, holding it triumphantly before running back out to Ricky in the hall. You stand in front of him, that glimmer in your eye. 

“I have a surprise.” Excitement swirls in his chest.

“What is it?” he asks, trying to suppress the anticipatory giggle bubbling up, his energy matching yours. You hand him the small box, and he looks at it, confused. He opens it slowly, pulling out a little charm. It’s a dog tag with the number 14, and a metallic T on a jump ring.

“Oh my god…” he breathes, looking at it closer. You’re beaming, so glad that he likes it. 

“You know,” you say softly, “something to remember your first show by. And your heart ring was looking kind of lonely.” You smile, pointing to the plastic ring he still wears around his neck, waiting until the last possible minute to take it off. You barely get the words out before he grabs your arms, pulling you close and kissing you. His lips are warm as they move against yours, and for a split second, you forget where you are, completely losing context for everything around you. 

“I love-” he murmurs against your mouth, freezing for an instant. Your hearts skip a beat in tandem, then he cuts himself off to kiss you again. “I love it.” he finishes. You smile against his lips, pulling away very reluctantly. He leans back in, pressing a few more kisses to your lips before you wiggle out of his grasp. 

“Ricky!” you laugh, “We’re gonna mess up our makeup. We can kiss after the show.” He runs his fingers up and down your arms, gazing at you as you talk. You have all his attention. 

“Okay,” he says in that light hearted, joking tone of his that always makes you laugh, “but I’m gonna hold you to that.” You laugh again, and he takes off his necklace so you can slip on the new charm. After getting it fixed on the chain, you reattach it to his neck. 

At the end of the hall where you’re standing, Nina lingers, watching Ricky touch you and kiss you like that. It makes her sick, and she finds herself holding back a gag. Her hours of research had turned into days, and she has your playbill.com page open on her phone at this very moment. She’s torn, reminiscing over how much she loved your performances and how obsessed with you she was as a kid, and simultaneously fuming over it. You’ve done all this professional work, you’ve acted on Broadway, and now you’re here at East High? 

She scoffs, shaking her head in disbelief. She wanted so badly to be you, to have your perfect life, and you threw it all away for what? To come do crappy high school theatre in a town that couldn’t be further from New York? She fights a laugh suddenly, realizing just how much dirt she has on you. There must be a reason you’ve been keeping this secret, lying to everyone, lying to Ricky. She shakes her head. She doesn’t know why yet, but she’s going to find out. 

35 minutes before curtain, Miss Jenn gathers everyone for circle time, and a cast meeting to boost morale before the show. Everyone is finally in costume and Kourtney follows Seb, makeup pallet in hand, adjusting the finishing touches to the glitter on his cheeks. You can feel the energy stirring and growing, electric between all of you. 

“Most of you know that our dazzling Taylor had to leave under family circumstances. Gina sends her love and support, but has left for the east coast and will not be able to make it to tonight’s performance.” Miss Jenn says. You and Ricky share a look, trying not to be too obvious. You got Gina a plane ticket together, and your mom is at the airport right now to pick her up. The last you heard from her, Gina’s flight was delayed. Now there’s only a slim chance she’ll get here in time. You silently keep your fingers crossed, praying to whatever theatre gods are out there that she’ll make it to the theater before it's too late. 

“And so,” Miss Jenn continues, “I have asked… Kourtney to fill in, in her place!”

The room erupts into cheers. Kourtney smiles, eyes on the floor bashfully. She’s praying she doesn’t seem as nervous as she feels. It’s not that she didn’t expect you guys to be supportive of her subbing in as Taylor, but seeing first hand how excited everyone is for her eases some of the worries that have been building up. 

“Now,” Miss Jenn continues, “everyone join hands.” After some heartfelt words of encouragement and other usual circle time warm ups, she claps her hands.

“Let’s go, wildcats! 20 minutes to curtain!”

Once again, the room erupts into cheers. 

“Now, if I can get my main characters and my ensemble members starting the show with a mic on stage for mic check?” she directs, pointing towards the way to the wings. You walk with everyone else towards the stage, pausing when you pass Miss Jenn. 

“Do you want me to help Kourtney get ready?” you ask. Her hair and makeup are done, she just has to get in costume, but you can sense that she needs a pep talk. 

“That would be fantastic,” she says with a look that indicates she thinks Kourtney could use a pep talk too, “thank you, Sharpay.” She pulls out her walkie to let Big Red know you and Kourtney are going to be released from mic check early to finish getting ready. After singing We’re All In This Together while Big Red adjusts your volume from the sound booth, Kourtney sings Bop to the Top, voice getting louder and quieter as Red tweaks the settings. Once you’ve both gotten the thumbs up, you scurry backstage to your dressing room, handing her costume pieces while she gets changed. 

“Oh, wait,” you say before she pulls on her top. You grab your setting spray you use for shows from your bag. “Close your eyes.” You mist her face with the product, fanning it dry so it doesn’t smudge. 

“Thanks,” she says. You take one look at her expression, and can tell she’s nervous.  

“You okay?” You ask. She hesitates, then sighs.

“I had two weeks to learn all my lines. I had two weeks to learn all the lines and the songs, I haven’t even gotten to rehearse on stage with you guys, and I’m just so worried I’m going to blow it, or choke in front of everyone…” she trails off. This is clearly the tip of the iceberg, and she fiddles with her bracelets, trying to get out some nervous energy. 

“There is no way you’re going to choke.” you say confidently, “You know this show inside and out! Plus, haven’t you been running lines with Nini the whole time?” you ask.

“Yeah,” she replies, listening carefully, trying to grab onto your reassurance.

“Almost all of Taylor’s scenes are with Gabriella.” You state. Her expression changes as she realizes you’re right. She knows this part better than she was giving herself credit for. 

“Plus there will be scripts in the wings if you need to refresh between scenes.” 

“Yeah,” she says again, more confident this time. “I know my lines, I know the songs, I know the dances - mostly, at least - so it’s all going to be fine! Even if the choreography in Stick to the Status Quo is still totally terrifying, and I have no idea how to dance with a lunch tray or do a death wack, it’s going to be fine!” Her laughter turned from relieved to slightly panicked again. 

“You think you’re nervous for Stick to the Status Quo?” you ask rhetorically, a comedic note to your voice, “I have to get caked in the face!” You exclaim with a chuckle. You’ve only practiced with an actual cake once, during the last tech rehearsal, and it was messy, to say the least. Literally and figuratively. 

Kourtney laughs, remembering the whipped cream that got everywhere, how loud you were yelling in character before storming off. It took more makeup wipes than you'd expected to get the sticky sugar off your face. 

“We’ll get through it together.” You state, holding out your hand. She squeezes it, reassuringly.

“Yeah. We will.” 

“Five minutes to places!” Natalie calls, poking her head in. 

“Thank you five!” you both reply. You check your phone one last time, the new text from your mom stating that she’s still at the airport, waiting for Gina’s flight. You text Ricky the same thing, letting him know you’re all still waiting for more updates on the delay. The good news is that your mom’s friend from work - who was planning on coming to see the show anyway - is going to stream the show to your mom until she can get there, that way she won’t miss anything. 

It doesn’t feel like five minutes has gone by when Natalie is calling for places, ushering everybody into the wings and into their starting places and positions. Hushed whispers of encouragement and break a leg spread through the wings, and everyone falls silent as Miss Jenn begins her curtain speech. It’s unusual for a group of such high energy people to be so still, so quiet, and you soak up every moment of it. This is your favorite part - or one of them, at least; it's those few fleeting minutes when everyone’s backstage in the wings, the opening of the show is seconds away and hurdling closer and closer with every breath, every heartbeat. This is one of those magical, transformative, fleeting times that can only really be described as in between. 

You never knew just how much you would miss this, the distinct and irreplaceable energy, the feeling of being in a theater. Tears spring to your eyes as it really hits you that you’re home, back where you’ve always needed to be. You close your eyes, taking deep, measured breaths to focus, to get into that headspace of being in character. Even with your eyes closed, you can feel it around you; the rich wood and cement mixing into different sections of the floor, the heavy curtains, the grid and catwalk and lights, all intangibly high and far away. It’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful that you don’t know how your body is supposed to contain it. You know now that you could never leave, not really. Theatre will always be your home, and you know this feeling will only solidify more and more with time. You realize, too, that it’s a home that will always grow and change and evolve with you, because that’s in its eternal, fleeting nature. That’s the most beautiful part, you think.

You squeeze Seb’s hand in excitement and encouragement and every other good thing, a gesture that he returns. In spite of the silence and the stillness, you know that everyone is just as excited as you are. Ricky’s in the opposite wing, or else you’d be squeezing his hand right now too right now. You use this moment, this stillness that's growing and getting more charged with energy every second, to become laser focused on giving this performance everything you've got - on really getting your head in the game. 

Nini looks around, then over at Ricky - again. He’s been avoiding her this whole night, and she can’t stand it. She leans closer. 

“I need to talk to you. After the show.” someone shushes her, and she lowers her voice, continuing. “She’s been lying to you about everything. You don’t know everything about her, Ricky.” 

“Yes, I-” he cuts himself off, not wanting to feed into this. Not now. “I have to get into character.” He says, moving away from her. He tries to focus on the energy the cast is creating around him, on becoming Troy. He takes a breath, centering himself. 

“Without further ado, I am proud to present… East High’s High School Musical: the Musical!” Miss Jenn’s voice is drowned out by applause, and the music begins. 

The first few songs and scenes go smoothly; everyone is on time and remembering their cues, and the audience couldn’t be more engaged, applauding and laughing right when you want them to. During Jack Scott’s announcements after Darbus reveals what the winter musical is going to be, you leave to get ready for What I’ve Been Looking For. You pass by Ricky, who’s quick changing for Get’cha Head in the Game, and shoot him a big thumbs up.

“Great job!” you whisper enthusiastically, stomping your feet quietly in excitement.

“Thanks,” he smiles, beaming as he pulls on his jersey. He watches you scurry down the hall before getting nudged toward the stage right before his cue. He shakes his head, wondering why he let Nini get him so worked up before. Of course he knows you. He knows everything about you! There’s absolutely nothing on earth you could tell him that would throw him off, or scare him away from you. She’s probably just making something up to get in his head, to drive a wedge between you. That seems like something she would do lately.

“Let’s see some hustle! Move, move, move!” Coach Bolton calls from onstage, and Ricky jogs over to him, as ready as he'll ever be.

“Sorry I’m late, coach.”

As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, as much as he’s trying to stay in character and stay focused on the scene, Nini’s words are still echoing in the back of his mind, throwing him off a little. He catches his dad’s eye in the crowd as the music starts. He doesn’t think he’s ever looked this proud, and it steadies Ricky. He takes in a breath, and begins to sing. Part way through the song, he notices a woman in the crowd who looks weirdly like his mom. He doesn’t miss a beat, making sure to look in his dad’s direction instead. That’s weird, he thinks, but it can’t be her. There’s no way she’d come all the way from Chicago for something like this. Just like what Nini said to him before the show, he won’t let that distract him from performing, and tries not to let that throw him off.

During the dance break, he gets hooked up to his harness, and his stomach erupts into excited butterflies as he slowly moves up. There’s a collective gasp from the crowd that turns into cheers as he hovers in front of the hoop, ball in hand. Up here, he’s not blinded by the stage lights, and he looks down at the crowd, able to see his dad’s face even better than before. He’s filled with such euphoria, he knows you’re right - nothing can beat this feeling. He feels more alive, more awake than he ever has, simultaneously enveloped by a deep sense of peace, of rightness that he doesn’t want to let go of. 

On the other side of the auditorium, someone moves, catching his eye. Some guy is making his way into his seat, presumably because he showed up late. He leans over to his date, kissing her and touching her leg. Nothing could have prepared Ricky for what he saw when he pulled away. Past the blinding stage lights, his stomach plummets back down to earth as he’s able to make out more faces in the audience - including hers. She’s here. She’s really here, and she brought that douchebag with her. She’s whispering something in that bastard’s ear, barely five rows away from his dad. They’re all over each other, talking close and kissing and smiling. 

It’s only when she points up at him that he snaps out of it. He realizes the pit has been waitin for his cue a beat or two longer than usual, and follows up quickly with it. He had dropped his basketball when he was up there, and he’s scrambling to make it through the rest of the number. He tries desperately to get back into character, to focus on the lyrics and choreography, to focus on the music instead of what he just saw in front of him, but he can’t shake what just happened, what he just saw. Even as he’s being pulled backstage to change into the costume for his next scene, it takes all his effort not to let that overwhelm him. He can’t crumble right now, not like this. There’s a whole cast and crew, all his friends, that are counting on him. He gets some water, tries to pull himself together. 

EJ looks for Ricky backstage, having a few minutes before their next scene. Even he has to admit he was impressed with Ricky’s performance back there. He looked so conflicted, so torn between basketball and singing. He even managed to make his distracted blocking and choreography look so organic EJ was worried he’d messed up for a second. He’s been giving him a hard time, butting heads on and off stage, but Ricky is really shining tonight. He’s committed, and EJ has to commend him for that. 

“Ricky,” he says, just loudly enough to get his attention. Ricky turns around. “I have to hand it to you; you’re doing great out there, man. You deserve all the applause you’re getting.” 

Ricky takes a breath, closing his water bottle.

“Thanks.” 

He stares into space to the ceiling on EJ’s right, gripping his water bottle until his knuckles have a white cast to them. EJ’s brow furrows. He actually seems a little out of it. 

“Are you okay?” he asks carefully. They’re not really close like that, but even EJ can see that he seems a little off. 

“I’m fine,” he says a little too fast. “I am totally fine. Because it’s opening night, and nothing’s going to ruin this.” 

Suddenly it makes sense. He knows exactly what Ricky’s going through. He sighs. 

“Look, everybody gets stage fright. Just take a deep breath, and use the music and your lines to stay grounded.” He claps Ricky on the shoulder supportively.

“Thanks,” he chokes out again. EJ leaves to fix his mic tape, and Ricky is once again exactly where he doesn’t want to be - alone with his thoughts. Even though EJ has no idea of the scope of issues Ricky’s dealing with right now, his advice might still work. Instead of waiting in his dressing room, he hovers in the wings, going over the chemistry class scene as it happens, waiting for the lights to go down so he can talk to you, or at least be near you. He’s so tempted to barge onstage and drag you away with him. Instead he listens closely to your dialog with Gabriella. Just hearing your voice is enough for him to hold on to for now.

The lights go down, and you exit into the wings. You’re surprised to find Ricky there - he usually comes up about half way through Jack Scott’s narration. One look at his face and you know something’s wrong. Before you can ask, he’s pulling you into a less busy area by the prop table. 

“She’s here.” He grips your arm, hand shaking. He doesn’t need to say anything else, you already have a full grasp on the gravity of the situation, the effect this is having on him. 

“Here?” you ask, needing to clarify, and he nods. “Are you okay?” you ask sincerely.

“I’m…” he struggles for an answer, “trying to be.” You take his hands in yours so gently he doesn’t even notice until your thumbs are stroking his skin reassuringly.

“Okay,” you say calmly, and he can see the gears turning, see you figuring out the perfect solution as you speak. “Why don’t you have some water, stay right here, and I’ll go get Miss Jenn, okay?” 

He nods, and you move quickly to Natalie, asking her if she knows where Miss Jenn is. She picks up her walkie talkie, asking Miss Jenn to come to the stage right wing. Jack’s narration scene wraps up and the crew changes the set to Darbus’s detention. You have seconds before you have to get out there, and you turn to Ricky, worried about him. 

“Are you going to be okay?” you ask in a hushed whisper. 

“Yeah.” he says, “I think so.” 

You see Miss Jenn walking toward the stage right wing as you’re about to head onstage.

“We’ll talk to her right after.” you tell him in a hushed, reassuring whisper. You give his hand one more squeeze before you find your places in the dark. Moments later, the lights are up, and the scene begins. In all the time you’ve spent acting, you’ve gotten very good at staying in character, compartmentalizing thoughts and worries about your personal life while you’re onstage. You find it a little more difficult to keep the disgust at Lynne Bowen’s blatant lack of basic respect, or even awareness for the consequences of her actions, buried in the back of your mind as the scene plays out. 

Sitting on the wooden flooring of the stage, warm under the bright lights, Ricky does exactly what he’s supposed to do - he uses the scene and dialog to stay grounded. He follows the dialog while doing his stage business, listening for his cues just like Miss Jenn thought him to do. If he stays in character, he doesn’t have to think about any offstage drama. As long as he doesn’t look out to that section of seats, as long as he can keep his eyes from being magnetically drawn there, he’s going to be fine. He stays in character, stays right there as Troy, clinging to his character like a life raft. If he can be Troy, he doesn’t have to worry about everything he’s going to have to deal with as Ricky for just a few more minutes. It's desperate and fleeting, but it's the only thing he can do right now. 

Soon, the lights are down, and you’re hustling toward the stage right wing, where you know Miss Jenn is waiting. He finds your hand in the dark, the sparkly pink sequins on your outfit unmistakable even in the darkness. He holds onto you desperately, until you’re both standing in front of Miss Jenn. She knows from one look that whatever is going on, it’s bad. 

“Um," Ricky starts, swallowing hard, "my mom is here…” he hates that his voice is already trembling so soon. It sounds more like a question than a statement, and his stomach twists at how foreign the word now feels in his mouth. My mom. The last time he called her that had been months ago when he told you and Miss Jenn what had happened. Ever since he’s only referred to her through pronouns and as briefly as possible, trying to disconnect the person she is from who she was supposed to be. Who he thought she was. The closest he’s gotten to addressing her has been vague statements; she didn’t call back, or I think that was her recipe, let’s find a different one. Actually saying it, actually calling her that makes his jaw feel stiff. 

“My god.” Miss Jenn says softly, unable to believe that she could have the audacity to show up unannounced after what she put Ricky through. Ricky hesitates, and she knows there’s more. She nods, waiting for him to continue. 

“And she, uh,” he swallows thickly, hating his throat for tightening up so much when he has to sing in a few minutes, “she brought her boyfriend…” Your eyes widen and Miss Jenn gasps. 

“They’re in the sixth row, they keep talking and kissing, and-” he cuts himself off, unable to continue. His hands are balled up, tight and shaking. 

“Okay. Ricky, sweetie, why don’t we talk about this somewhere a little more private.” You both guide him to the boys’ dressing room, and after making sure no one’s in there, she sits down facing him, and takes his hands in hers. 

“From the beginning, what happened?” 

He was barely able to get it out the first time, but now he can’t stop. Everything he’s been trying so hard to ignore and shove down for the last 20 minutes - and it’s felt way longer than 20 minutes - comes tumbling out. He doesn't think he could stop talking if he tried. He doesn’t even realize how loud he’s getting until Miss Jenn gently shushes him. 

“We don’t want the audience to hear us.” he nods, taking a breath for the first time since he started talking. You left a minute ago to check on how much time you have before the next scene, and reenter the dressing room now, looking stressed. 

“They’re almost done with Auditions.” you state. You need to go up there now, you and Seb have What I’ve Been Looking For soon, and you don’t want to miss your cue. 

“Go,” she says. Ricky nods, so you do, knowing that Miss Jenn has this under control, that she can help Ricky right now. Your footsteps recede, and Ricky turns back to Miss Jenn. 

“Ricky,” she starts calmly, “what she did was wildly inappropriate.” He already feels a little better, less crazy, and he waits for her to continue. 

“Showing up unannounced with a…" she chooses her words carefully, "date, was… probably the worst thing that could have happened tonight.” 

“Yeah,” he scoffs in agreement. She continues.

“You have every right to be as upset as you are. Whatever you need right now, just tell me, okay?” He nods. “I think what we should do is get your dad, and let him know what’s going on. I can try to have one of the ushers escort her out, but I’m sure the last thing you want tonight is even more drama.” 

“Got that right,” he breathes, relieved. 

“I’m going to talk to EJ and see if he can go on as Troy-” 

“What? No.” he protests. 

“Ricky-” 

“No, Miss Jenn- I have to play Troy. Please, I have to!” 

“It might be best for you-” 

He stands up suddenly. “What’s best for me is going out there; acting and singing, like we rehearsed -  like I’m supposed to! Please, you can’t…” 

“Okay,” she says, standing up and trying to calm him down a little. “Okay. If you think you can do it, you can go back out there.” 

He relaxes a little. 

“Thank you.” his voice breaks as he speaks, and she realizes how badly he needs this right now.

“Why don’t we revisit this at intermission, see how you’re feeling then? Just to check up on you.” she adds quickly. 

“Okay.” he agrees. She puts a hand on his arm. 

“I’m going to let EJ know to get ready, just in case you change your mind. We’ve got to be ready for anything, right?” She smiles gently, one he tries to return. 

“Right,” he says. A stagehand pokes his head into the room.

“Troy, we need you.”

“Be right there,” Miss Jenn says. She claps her hand over Ricky’s one more time. “Okay, Ricky, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to go out there and sing a ballad with Gabriella that will make the audience swoon,” he smiles, “and I am going to do my best to get this situation resolved as quickly and discreetly as possible. If anything else happens, or you need anything, come tell me right away.”

“Okay.” he says, this time, with a note of determination in his voice. Miss Jenn pats him on the back, sending him off. He runs through the halls, making it just in time. Once he’s in the wings, she pulls out her phone to text Mike, and fill him in on everything that’s going on. He enters on Gabriella’s cue, and Miss Jenn pauses, watching him deliver his lines. All the distress, all the pain melts away as he steps into character.

It’s giving him a break from everything, she thinks, it has been the whole time. Theatre isn’t just a luxury or a passion for some people, it’s a means of survival. It hits her all at once, that in staying here, in facing the challenges and struggles that came from directing this show, she’s helping Ricky through one of the hardest things he’ll ever go through. She’s become the person she needed when she was his age; with only one parent, feeling completely lost at sea. Her chest squeezes, and she watches them sing, their voices sending a chill through her. 

Backstage, in the few dark moments of the set change for Cellular Fusion, Nina somehow manages to corner you. 

“What did you do to him?” she demands, and you know she’s referring to Ricky, who exited to the other wing. You stare at her, aghast. You lean in close, lowering your voice, desperately holding on to your professionalism. 

“We have to go onstage, literally right now. I am not doing this with you right now.” 

“Huh,” she scoffs with a fake smile, “you’re one to talk.” You have approximately two seconds to look at her, baffled by everything she’s saying, before you have to go on. You enter, and hit your mark. At the cue, you and Seb begin to harmonize. Right as you do, your phone - tucked away in the wings - silently begins to buzz. Your phone lights up with a text from your mom, informing you that Gina’s flight has finally landed, and they’ll be at the theater any minute. 

You run off stage as Cellular Fusion wraps up, and Miss Jenn and Carlos are trying to figure out what to do about the Taylor dance break coming up. Kourtney has been doing great so far, but she doesn’t think she can handle choreography that complicated with so little time to rehearse.

“I could tell the pit to cut that section…” Carlos offers. You check your phone and your eyes light up, looking at the doorway. 

“Uh,” you start with a smile, “I don’t think that will be an issue…”

Miss Jenn, Carlos, and Kourtney look over at Gina, smiling timidly. 

“Oh, thank god,” Miss Jenn chokes out. She turns to Kourtney, then Gina. “You, go out there before you miss your cue. And you, quick change into something more 2006 before the dance break.”

They both agree, and a stagehand runs over with something for Gina to change into, guiding her to the dressing rooms. 

“Is he doing any better?” you ask Miss Jenn before you go on. You don’t have much time, but you need to know if he’s okay.

“A little,” she says, “I think.” You both know it’s better than nothing, and you’re just hoping whatever he’s doing keeps working. 

Stick to the Status Quo couldn’t be going any better. There’s so much happening, so much organized chaos, that he forgets about everything for a few wonderful minutes. There’s no time to think about that when he’s dancing on tables, begging his classmates not to sacrifice their individuality so they can fit in. It only gets better when you and Seb enter toward the end of the number. You look so genuinely pissed off that people are breaking free from the boxes they’ve been put in, and your voices sound perfect harmonizing together, reverberating through the auditorium.

He tries in vain to stop Zeke from giving you a cake, watching with bated breath as it smashes into your face. He turns away, just like he’s supposed to, but his eyes accidentally land on the one place in the audience he shouldn't be looking at.  His stomach plummets. Has she been on her phone this whole time? After running from everything this whole night, it finally gets the best of him. He can’t stand it any longer, running into the wings as you let out an ear shattering scream, loud enough to finally make her look up.

“Someone… is going… to pay for this!” you yell furiously, before the lights go down. The curtain draws to a close as applause thunders through the building. The lights in the house go up for intermission, and you hear a slow rise of chatter as people mill about and make conversation as you exit the stage. You grab a makeup wipe a stagehand has ready, thanking them as Natalie calls out that intermission is starting, and you have 20 minutes to places for act two.

“Thank you 20,” you call out distractedly, searching for Ricky. You run to the back, wiping the rest of the whipped cream off your face, and check the boys dressing room to see if he’s in there. He is, sitting in there by himself, seeming worse than before. One look at his face and you know something else happened.

“She was on her fucking phone the whole time!” he states in disbelief, “Like…” The words dry up as he holds a pillow in his lap in a death grip. 

“Oh my god…” you say, shaking your head. He’s not doing good, clearly. No one would be in his position. He pulls you in for a hug as soon as you’re close enough, one you reciprocate. He holds onto you tight, feeling just a little more stable as soon as you’re in his arms. Surrounded by your familiar grasp, it’s just a little easier to breathe, to think clearly. Unfortunately, it also means he has a much clearer grasp on everything that’s happened tonight and how it’s affecting him, how he feels about it. His dad is right behind you, and he lets go of you long enough to stand up and greet him. His dad pulls him into a hug, patting his back. 

“I’m so sorry, kid. I had no idea she was going to pull something like this.” Mike’s voice wavers, and when Ricky doesn’t answer, you know it’s because he’s choked up. Miss Jenn enters a moment later, walking over to Ricky and Mike. 

“The both of them have been removed from the premises.” She states. 

“Thank you,” Mike says earnestly. 

“Oh, it was nothing a little faked parking violation couldn't take care of,"  she says, earning a small smile from Mike. She turns to Ricky, continuing. “I filled you dad in on what’s been going on, too.” 

“Maybe we should just go home,” Mike offers, knowing he probably won’t want to. 

“No,” he protests, “I can do act two, I want to. Plus, if we leave now, she’ll know where we are and she’s going to ambush us again, and-” 

“The one place you’re guaranteed not to run into her is here at the theater.” you finish quietly. 

“Yeah,” Ricky agrees, motioning to you. Mike considers, weighing his options. Since she’s gone, if Ricky thinks he can handle it, he doesn’t see why he can’t do the second half of the show - especially since he seems to want to so badly. Maybe now isn’t the time to take that away from him, even if he means well.

“Okay,” he sighs. “But if anything happens, if you change your mind at all-”

“You’re the first to know.” Ricky agrees quickly. 

“I want you to stay plugged in with me, okay?” Mike says, putting a hand on his shoulder, “Text me when you’re not onstage, let me know how you’re doing.” Ricky agrees again. Miss Jenn looks between them. 

“Alright. Well, in that case, Ricky, you should get changed for act two.” She says with a tentative smile. He nods. 

“Thank you. Thank you guys.” he says sincerely to his dad and Miss Jenn. Before you leave, you catch his eye.

“I’m going to refill my water, then I’ll be back here, okay?” 

“Sounds good." He says, "Hurry back,” he adds quickly, giving you that sweet look with those big puppy dog eyes, and it makes your chest squeeze. 

“Absolutely.” you agree. 

You barely leave the dressing room before you're met with Nina. She barges forward and stands in front of you, arms crossed, and you realize she's waiting for you to move out of the way so she can get into the boys' dressing room. You don't budge. 

“I need to talk to Ricky. I heard what happened, and I'm the only one who can convince him to go on for the second act, and I don’t need you-” 

“Wow,” you begin, cutting her off, once again amazed at her audacity, “now is really not a good time. Don’t go in there and stir things up.”  

She looks you up and down, letting out an indignant scoff. 

“Don’t act like you know him like that. I’ve known him since we were in kindergarten, I know him better than anyone.” 

You take in a deep breath, trying so hard to stay patient. 

“Sure. You know him better than anyone.” you say, in a pacifying tone, “So you should know the last thing he needs is more pressure on him when he’s in the middle of a family crisis, right?” The question is rhetorical, and you continue, patience with her finally starting to run thin. “If you actually care about him, then for the sake of his well being you’ll leave him alone and let him get through this. Now is really not the time, Nina, read the goddamn room!” 

The sentence is finished with an aggravated, humorless laugh. Your priorities right now are Ricky, and getting through opening night. You need to help him process some of the shit that's been happening tonight, make sure he’s okay, so he can perform like he wants to. The last thing he needs is Nina barging in there and telling him he’s letting the cast down, or that he’s not serious about theatre, and that he should have quit after auditions - all of which you’ve heard more times than you can count over the duration of rehearsals, even up to a few days ago. 

You’ve tried so hard to be patient with her, but dear god, she’s really starting to get on your last nerve - nevermind the fact that you have a special type of hatred for the kind of people like Nina, who shit on people that are still learning about something they have more experience in; like telling someone they’re not serious about theatre because it’s their first show, for example.

“Do not fuck with him right now.” you state, rolling your eyes at her shocked expression.

You push past her, walking over to the water fountain. She watches you walk away, mouth hanging open, and lets out an indignant scoff. You swear to god, if one more thing goes wrong tonight, if one more person tries you, you’re going to absolutely lose it. You take a few deep breaths as you fill up your bottle, trying to calm down and center yourself a little. Once you’re done, you start to walk back to the dressing rooms, but you’re stopped by a woman who is definitely not cast or crew. She sees you and approaches, seeming a little pissy. 

“I’m looking for Ricky Bowen?” she states. As she speaks, your stomach drops. 

You recognize her voice from when you heard it on the phone, and from the voicemail Ricky showed you over Thanksgiving. This is Lynne Bowen. As in, the Lynne Bowen. The one that left.  The same woman who’s made such a tactless and selfish decisions over and over that have ultimately caused her son to be on the verge of a breakdown just down the hall from where you’re standing right now. 

“You are not supposed to be back here.” you state, desperately trying to figure out how to handle this. You pull out your phone and text Miss Jenn, ‘code red, really need backup’.

“Can you just tell me where Ricky Bowen is? I’m his mother.” she says it in a way immediately expects sympathy from you, sympathy she doesn’t receive. You stare at her blankly, and she continues, much less kind than she’d been pretending to be. “I need to see my son, okay? Maybe when you’re a mother someday you’ll understand-”

You’re not sure what about her, about the way she’s talking to you specifically is the last straw for you, but your patience is already running so thin it’s practically transparent. Against your better judgment, you cut her off. 

“He does not want to see you. He doesn’t want to speak to you - or be anywhere near you right now, for the record - and you need to fucking respect that, okay?” you say decisively, offense written all over her face, “And you are really not allowed to be backstage if you’re not cast or crew, which you’re clearly not-” 

“You are way out of line, young lady!” she yells, “I don’t care if he doesn’t want to talk. I’ll talk to him if I want to; I’m his mother.”  She adjusts her purse, clearly expecting you to fold, to tell her where he is. You know you should keep your mouth shut, you know you should be diplomatic and patient and professional like you always are, you should wait for Miss Jenn to handle this, but you’ve spent the past three months watching Ricky suffer because of this woman and her choices. You can’t stay quiet when the woman who hurt him is right in front of you. 

“I think you lost the right to pull that shit when you walked out the door and chose not to be in his life!” you snap, a dangerous smile on your face. The stunned look on her face is better than anything you’ve ever seen. It’s clear no one has ever tried to take her down a peg until now. 

“How dare-” 

“You gave him a free pass to hate you forever, because you’re not the parent who stayed! You didn’t try-” 

Your words lose momentum as you find yourself suddenly looking at the wall to your right, your cheek stinging. The sound of her slapping you across the face echos across the walls for a moment before fading away, and you freeze, tears prickling the corners of your eyes from shock.

“Listen here you little slut,” she says, much more ferocious than before. All facades of a concerned mother have melted away. “You have no right to talk to me like that-” 

“What the fuck?!” 

You snap out of it, and she turns around at Ricky’s voice at the end of the hall.

“Ricky, my baby,” she starts, walking toward him, but she’s thrown off at how distant he seems toward her. “I’m sorry you had to see that, this girl is so-” 

“Don’t ever talk about her like that again.” His voice is stone cold as he brushes past her, analyzing your expression closely to see if you’re alright. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, voice shaky.

“I’m fine,” you say as calmly as possible, “are you okay?” 

He’s decidedly not, but he tries to pull himself together. 

“If you are, that’s all that matters.” Behind him, growing impatient, Lynne takes a step forward.

“Ricky,” she demands. He takes a breath, and leans closer to you. 

“You should change for act two.” You look between them, wishing there was something else you could do, some way that you could make this better. You agree, stopping before you leave for your dressing room. 

“Text me if you need anything.” you say seriously, and he agrees, understanding the subtext of your words. Text you if he needs backup, or if it gets to be too much, because you’re there for him. Lynne moves toward him again. 

“Can we talk?” she says with a domineering tone to her voice, and you both know it’s not a question. You want to object, but all he wants is to get her away from you. He nods, indicating you should go, and you do - albeit, very reluctantly. He turns back to her. 

“Yeah,” he says seriously, “I think we need to.” 

She grabs his arm to lead him down another stretch of hallway, but he shakes her off immediately, walking a few feet in front of her. 

“Ricky, are you alright?” she demands, once they’re relatively out of earshot. She crosses her arms. “I was so worried about you when you ran offstage like that.” 

“I’m surprised you noticed.” he murmurs. She either ignores him or doesn’t hear. Regardless, she continues. 

“Why did you leave? Is it stage fright? Because a lot of people are counting on you, honey. You made a commitment to this-” 

“You’re one to talk about commitment,” he mutters, voice low, but loud enough to be heard. His impulse control is not at all where it should be, especially with how she just talked to you, what she called you.

“I’m sorry?” Lynne demands. She’s not used to Ricky yelling at her. She’s always had a lot of influence over him. He used to do everything she said, he’s always been such a mama’s boy until now. 

“I mean, do you ever think about anyone besides yourself?” he snaps, “Did you even care that you ruined the only thing I’ve been able to count on in my life- I can never get this night back, Lynne. And now…” he trails off, trying so hard to regulate his emotions, even though he knows he’s out of control. He takes a shaky breath, trying with everything he has inside him to reign it back in a little. 

“...Why would you bring him to the show?” 

Lynne looks stunned at his question. 

“Wh-” she starts, “This is about Todd?”

“Why would you bring him here?” He demands, repeating himself.

“I…” she struggles for an answer, “wanted him to meet you.” she infuses as much guilt into her words as she can. He should feel bad for the way he’s speaking to her. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to throw you off.” 

It doesn’t work this time, and he refuses to back down, to fawn for her. He doesn’t buy it for a second.

“So you waited until I was suspended, mid air over a basketball hoop, for me to see you all… cozied up together? You didn’t think - not for one second - that might be just a little upsetting to me?!” 

“Ricky-”

“And what about dad, huh? How do you think he feels watching you feel each other up right in front of him?” tears brim in the corners of his eyes as everything he’s been suppressing all night, all these weeks and months finally breaks the surface. She lets out an indignant scoff and tries to say something, but he ignores her and keeps going. It’s an avalanche now, and he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. 

“He didn’t leave the couch for a week after you left!” he roars, remembering how hard it was to see his dad like that, to have to be the one to drag him out of it. 

“...I didn’t know that-”

“How could you?!” he laughs bitterly, "You weren't there!" He screams. He doesn't think it's ever felt better to say something than it does now. "You weren't there the whole time I was rehearsing, you weren't the one running lines and going over blocking, and teaching me how to listen for cues and do stage makeup and quick change! You weren't there for any of the work that went into this, and you just waltz in here with the newest guy you're screwing to your fucking son's musical like you've been here the whole time, but you havent!" He's never yelled at her like this, but a part of him thinks after how much she hurt him - and his dad - it's long overdue. "You don't get to enjoy this show, and you don't get to be around me, or dad, or anything we do because you walked out!"

"You are way out of line-" she starts, voice cracking. 

"No, you know what’s way out of line?" He demands, all too ready to throw her words back in her face. "Breaking my heart, breaking dad’s heart, then acting like everything is fine when it’s not!"

"You think I wanted to leave you?!" She screams back at him. 

"Yeah," he answers quickly, "I do, because you did! And you know what? I'm glad you left." He spits, watching the pain grow in her eyes, his words like venom. 

"All you do is hurt us." 

She blinks like she was just slapped. He takes a step forward, shaking, angry tears silently spilling from his eyes. When he speaks, his voice is low and dead serious. 

"Don't call me anymore."

Before she can say anything, he starts to walk away. She calls out to him, desperate to get the last word in, to make him know how much pain his words have caused her. 

"You are really hurting me, Ricky." She says, voice shaking as she cries, "you're breaking your mother's heart."

The sound of his mother crying like that because of something he said should have wrecked him, but he pushes away any last remaining scraps of guilt his rage hasn't burned away yet. He turns back to her, no love in his eyes, and laughs bitterly.

"Yeah, I guess it runs in the family. You know, the one thing I got from you is the ability to ruin any relationship I have, so thanks for that, mom." He spits, turning to leave. She takes a step forward. 

"Don’t you walk away from me-"

"Like mother like son, huh?" He barks. With that, he's gone. He doesn't stick around for any more of her manipulation or guilt tactics. He just really, really needs to see you right now.

[riddlerosehearts]

Okay now EYE must ask you - how are you liking BG3??? How far are you?? Tell me about your Tav!!!! (Please and thank you <3)

hi!! 💖 i only started the game a few days ago and it was an impulse decision i made after having previously told a friend of mine that i definitely wanted to play it but that it'd probably take me a while to get around to it (and, because i thought i wouldn't play anytime soon i hadn't really been trying to avoid spoilers). but, i have the PC version and while it generally runs just fine, my computer is kind of slow and the game is so big that it took hours to download and install. so i kind of went ahead and started to come up with a whole character idea during that time LOL. sorry if my explanations of things get a bit too rambly/disorganized. i'm actually not very far in the game at all yet, i've been spending a ton of time doing stuff in the druids grove and i'm supposed to go find halsin but i haven't even gotten karlach in my party yet! i've recruited all the main companions except for her but i am excited to meet her. gonna put the rest of this under a cut for length.

my only background with DND is that i listened to the first campaign of the adventure zone and i've watched the legends of vox machina show. i also have a friend who's super into her own DND campaign and another friend who's told me a lot about dimension 20, specifically fantasy high--and i've considered trying it out for her but haven't gotten around to it yet! i think she actually told me the same thing about the episode lengths making it easier to get into than critical role, because i had tried critical role and it was just so long that i couldn't stick with it. but, yeah, i've also looked at the forgotten realms wiki a bit but i've never actually played DND. i have played skyrim and final fantasy 14 and some other similar RPGs with customizable blank-slate protagonists, and in those types of games i always have to make OCs to roleplay as--usually i'll think up a basic idea to start with and then flesh the character out as i get into the game. they're never really self-inserts but i do often project onto them a little.

so, in games like these my first character is usually an elf that specializes in elemental/destructive magic. idk why, that's just what i've always liked. in ff14 i started out as a black mage without knowing it was the hardest class to play LMAO. soooo i went into this planning to create a high elf sorcerer, but as i started writing out ideas and thinking about what to do, i ended up creating a half-high elf bard. they're transmasc/nonbinary and in my head they use he/they pronouns, but i picked the nb option in the character creator and that causes npcs to actually use they/them in dialogue which i think is so cool. i love that the character creator is so inclusive in regards to gender.

anyway, i named them elenion, which is something i took from the lord of the rings universe because i'm a huge nerd. in LOTR it's an elvish word that basically means "of the stars". here's a couple screenshots i took when i first started. let's just ignore the fact that this hairstyle clips into elf ears (and also that the face preset is from a mod i downloaded).

i didn't really give him a tragic backstory or even the most interesting story haha--i'm wanting to do something bigger and angstier with another character on a second playthrough when i'm more familiar with the lore and world of the game. and i'll probably also end up changing or expanding on some things about this character later, but for now i just kind of made a normal guy with normal problems. i had this idea that his father, a human who attracted the attention of a beautiful elf woman, was also a bard and was a very successful musician in his youth. so elenion has always shared his father's passion and dreamed of being like him, being able to effortlessly tell incredible tales and inspire crowds of people through song, but no matter how much he studies and practices he never feels good enough. if he seems confident it's usually just because he's gotten really good at faking it. he's also pretty reserved and often avoids having to talk about himself by asking a lot of questions. see, i kind of wanted to specifically find a way to not roleplay the usual sort of loud, flirty, goofy bard, lol. not that i dislike those kinds of characters or anything though!

however, bards are meant to be super charismatic, witty, and persuasive and of course the game strongly encourages that with the dialogue options and skill bonuses you get. so my way of explaining this is to have elenion be a bit like raine from the owl house, in that they may be shy, but they're very firm in their ideals and are no pushover when it comes to protecting themself or their allies. they're clever and have a snarky side to them, and they're genuinely friendly and caring in a way that gives them a sense of quiet charisma. which reminds me that one of the spells i gave them at the start was sleep, and it's made me imagine that when they were a kid they tried calming a crying baby by playing a lullaby on their lute and accidentally ended up casting their first spell.

oh, and, i also wasn't really sure at first where in the world i wanted elenion to come from but i decided on something pretty quickly after getting multiple of those dialogue options suggesting that the protagonist is baldurian! i pictured them growing up in a somewhat small town with their family but moving to baldur's gate as an adult, hoping that if they left the comfort of their home and started to journey out into the world a little they'd eventually find their spark and become the bard they wanted to be. unfortunately they've had little luck so far because even after all this time they can't see that maybe their whole fixation on trying to be just like their father and achieve the exact same kind of success that he had is holding them back. the fact that their father died the year after they moved away hasn't helped either. and now, in the middle of traveling to a historical site that they'd wanted to see in person and use as inspiration for a song, they've been abducted by mindflayers and are struggling with the massive upheaval that this has brought into their relatively mundane life.

so. yeah. my tav for this first playthrough may not be the most unique or exciting character but i like him! i like figuring out what kind of choices he'll make and thinking up new ideas for what he likes and how he sees the world. also, i find it funny how in your reply to my ask you said you thought you'd be into gale but then you fell for astarion--because i thought that i'd be all over the edgy, brooding, snarky vampire man, but it turns out gale is so charming and funny that i'm probably going to romance him first. i'm also pretty intrigued by shadowheart and wyll but i'm so early in the game that i can't even say who i think my overall favorite companion will be because they all seem so interesting!! even karlach despite the fact that i haven't actually met her yet, i've seen a bunch of cool gifsets of her and my brother told me he's been romancing her on his playthrough. i really need to go find her soon.

i'm sure you can tell from everything i wrote here that i am definitely enjoying the game LOL. i can already tell that there's just so many different things to do and see, that i will both need and want to do a lot of different playthroughs and that it's going to be something that sticks with me. nothing wrong with using guides and walkthroughs btw! i do it too because i'm worried about missing too many things and have the world's worst sense of direction even with a minimap. honestly i probably need to look up some guides for certain mechanics that i don't feel like i've really figured out yet. there's a sarcophagus trap in the ruins early in the game that got me SO stuck and got my whole party wiped and then i looked up a video and found out you could turn off the whole trap system by pushing a switch... i felt so stupid askjdfgf.

anyway, i think this got to be way too long of a reply so i will stop here! but if you ever wanna tell me more about your tav or anything definitely feel free to and i hope you're having an awesome day!

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Made it through another weekend without drinking, I know 5 weeks doesn't seem like a lot but it's the longest I've gone in at least 14 years, the longest by far if you don't count one month in 2013. And there was nothing actually stopping me this weekend, my roommate was out of town coaching provincial all weekend and I had the place to myself and nothing to do. Closest I had to accountability was I told Tumblr I'm trying not to drink, and no one on Tumblr will know if I lie, but I'll know I'm lying, and then I won't be able to enjoy it. Which is pretty much why I'm posting this on Tumblr, using this website to intentionally ruin my own ability to enjoy stuff for another week because I don't trust my willpower otherwise.

I got through the weekend and didn't drink any alcohol. I organized my folder of comedy recordings, which was probably fine. I then got pretty deep into organizing and adding to my various folders of clips from comedy recordings, and I would say those collections are at this point pathologically organized. Like. It’s the sort of thing where I'd normally post screenshots but I'm not going to because if I showed anyone my Chocolate Milk Gang clip folders I'd be reported for being the guy from A Beautiful Mind (unfortunately without the genius element). But I've cut out a lot of comedy clips from various sources and organized them into many categories and I didn't drink any alcohol.

That Robins and James radio show really was the right choice. I didn't plan to try to stop drinking when I started listening to it, it's a coincidence that I picked something good for that. I've said a few times that it's helping and have also said "obvious I know that listening to people I don't know talk on the radio 8 years ago should not be what I rely on for something important like this, I have other things." But this weekend sucked and I am getting close to the point of saying "no, actually it's pretty much just that, I avoided picking up a drink this weekend by thinking if I'm drinking when John Robins releases Howl in a couple if months I'll hate myself too much to enjoy it, so don't do that, just listen to the nice people on the radio talk about how it is possible to hate everything and really like alcohol but still, like seven years after the point I'm at in the radio show, choose to give it up." Is this a sustainable source for motivation to not drink? It doesn't seem ideal but I guess we'll find out. I got way too deep into organizing comedy clips this weekend.

I know that what you're actually supposed to do is find real life things that are so good they make you not think about alcohol. I went to a comedy club night last week, watched five male comedians in a row tell jokes where every single one had at least a bit of material that ranged from mildly dicey to really fucked up on the sexism and racism fronts, then I had a panic attack due to being surrounded by so many people and left early. I don't want to try to go back to coaching until the season ends because mid-season is an awkward time to try to fit back in, and anyway, that place is hardly the liberal bubble that I seek. I did see an excellent concert last week but Garnet Rogers doesn't come to town every week. As far as distractions go, I think I might be left with the nice angry man on the radio and pathologically organized comedy collections.

I heard a recent episode where Elis said to John, pretty much out of the blue without much context, "You know, if you told me to jump off a cliff I think I'd do it." And I thought, yeah I see what he means, he does sort of have that effect on people. That abrasive personality that's held him back in showbusiness must be very abrasive, for him to not be more commercially successful despite a knack for saying stuff that you just want to listen to (I mean, not that he's doing commercially badly or anything, he's got a big successful tour and a Taskmaster spot, but it took a while to get there). It's a good thing that this parasocial power is, in my case, mainly used for reminding me "look, he loved drinking as much as this and also had, you know, the darkness of Robins but still quit, so I can do that too", rather than getting people to jump off cliffs.