#i hate adhd so fucking much sometimes LET ME DO SHIT BRAIN PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU

[larry-22-blog]

Period Complications 5 x ADHD

Hi guys, thank you for all your feedback regarding the series, I hope you enjoy this one too, as always please add your input in, I love to read your comments and messages.

I try to take all the suggestions and include them in the story.

"I'm just so fucking angry! Why is it not fucking working!" I exclaimed in frustration trying to fix the bugs in my code, but I swear each time I fix one, another one just pops around the corner!

I hate this shit!

Who's idea was it to study Computer Science?!

It's bullshit!

I would be better off studying-- screw that! I would be better off not studying anything at fucking all!

I should have become a stripper or something! Would probably make more money selling feet pics to crazy people online than in this shit hole!

"You've got pretty feet… But they are for my eyes only" Erling chuckled from where he was leaning on the doorway, looking at me with his too-damn pretty face.

He's also not wearing a shirt.

Just some shorts. Some short shorts.

And he's sweaty and ---

Seriously why is he so damn hot all the fucking time?

"Awww thanks, babe!" He cheerfully said fist bumping into the air before moving towards me.

"Nope, out! Erling Braut Haland!" I said, trying to make him leave.

He shouldn't see me like this.

I don't want him to see what a mess I am.

Especially under stress.

"You're such a beautiful mess though, baby!" He exclaimed slowly coming closer to my desk, well, his desk. Since it's his house.

I just tried to kick the guy out of his own house.

"What's mine is yours, love, you know it!" He leaned forward from the other side of the desk, head resting on his arm as he watched me with a big smile on his face.

"Seriously what are you? Can you read minds?!" I asked frowning.

"Nah, you just tend to speak out loud when stressed or under pressure. It's cute. I find it quite endearing." He leaned and kissed the tip of my nose.

"Oh, oops!" I felt myself blushing.

"It's super entertaining too! Your mind is very funny, you go from one thing to another then back to the other thing and so on!" He chuckled, taking one of my trembling hands in his much bigger one and kissing the back of it.

"I can't help it… It's my ADHD brain going at 500km/h on a countryside road…" I sighed.

I hate the way my brain works sometimes.

Some other times I like it, makes me feel different but most of the time it's just frustrating and hard.

I feel so stupid most of the time, always thinking differently, always taking the long way around.

I just want a break from all the stress and pressure sometimes.

"Baby how can you say that, you're so smart, the smartest person I know, the most hard-working and selfless" he moved from where he was leaning over and came around the desk to where I was.

"I just feel like I have to work so much to make up for all these bullshit issues…" I feel tears filling my eyes.

"Baby…" he pulled me to his chest, hugging me tight as he leaned down so I could put my arms around his neck.

"Sorry, I'm all sweaty… I probably stink too" he said in my hair, kissing the top of my head.

"I love your scent," I said against his neck, on my tippy toes, hugging him tighter.

"You're something else baby" he chuckled.

"What do you say about a shower and then some comfy clothes, sneaks and Netflix and chill in our bed?" He proposed his accent peaking through quite a bit.

It's something that happens when he's tired or misses home or his family.

"Sounds like a plan, add some tea to the list and we are good to go," I said, kissing the top of his left pec as I moved away.

I let out an embarrassing loud squeal when he lifted me up and began carrying me upstairs.

"ERLING!! You have to stop carrying me around all the time!" I blushed into his neck.

This man is something else.

"Why? I quite enjoy it, no shush, go get the shower ready, I'll be back in a min with some clothes for us" he put me down in front of the shower and left running back to our room. I could hear him going through the drawers in the walk-in closet of the ensuite, smiling to myself as I started the water, making sure it was the perfect temperature as I undressed and stepped in.

I washed my body and was in the middle of washing my hair when I feel arms around my middle, pulling me back so our bodies are touching.

"I wanted to wash you!" He pouted, looking too cute for his own good.

"You can still wash me, come on, I'll wash you" I proposed, getting the soapy bath fluff nice and bubbly as I proceeded to press it on Erling's chest, washing his toned body. His chest, his arms, his back…

"You've got such an amazing butt… It's unfair!" I could not help myself so I squeezed it, loving how muscular and nice it feels. It looked so good all soapy.

"Hey! Hands of the merchandise!" He joked and I have him a playful slap on the right cheek as I moved back up, trying to get him to lean down to get a kiss.

"No kisses for you, you've been too naughty," he said, straightening his back so he put even more distance between us, smirking down at me.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to continue to wash myself then… Alone" I purposely turned my back to him, bending down to get my favourite shower gel and then proceed to wash my body, soaping up my chest and then looking up to see his reaction.

Well, I could have looked down also, there was definitely a reaction there too.

"Baby!! Those are mine too!" He exclaimed, moving his big hands on my chest, squeezing both my boobs, making me moan as he touched my sensitive nipples.

"Fucking hell, Erling!" I moaned as he moved behind me, pressing his front into my back, not letting go of my boobs as he played with my nipples.

"Love how sensitive they are, how sensitive you are…" he kissed my neck, holding me close as he played with my boobs. I could feel him pulsing against my back, he was hard. And so fucking big.

Everything about this guy is huge. Of course, his dick was also fucking huge.

I blushed at the thought.

"Erling please…" I begged.

I don't even know what I was asking. What did I want?

I just wanted him.

"Baby, slow down, we got all day" he chuckled.

"I want you inside me" I turned around pulling him down so we could kiss.

"No way in hell! Not going to happen on my watch!" He broke our kiss, putting some space between us and I looked confused up at him.

I couldn't help but feel insecure and rejected.

"You don't want to? With me?" I asked, looking sadly up at him.

"Of course I fucking want it! I love you, I desire you, can't you see how much you turn me on? I swear I'm always hard around you!" He groaned, using his hand to release some pressure on his very much still rock-hard cock.

I blushed, looking away.

"Then? Why do you keep rejecting me…" I whispered, looking up at him, into his lovely green eyes.

I love his eyes. They are such a complex colour, I swear they constantly change, depending on his mood.

"I'm not rejecting you, baby, I just don't want it to happen like this, it's your first time! It's supposed to be special, perfect! Not a fucking quickie in the shower!" He explained passionately.

I love how passionate this guy is about everything he does, and everything he loves.

I especially love it when I see him so passionate about me.

My man.

"I love you Erling. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me, always. Thank you for being you." I said hugging him.

"It's going to be perfect and special no matter what because it's you," I admitted, kissing his chest, right where his heart is beating so strongly.

"You're the same to me, we're perfect for each other, soulmate and all." He whispered, tightening his arms around me and kissing my forehead.

"Now, let's finish here," he said, starting the water again.

We quickly washed ourselves this time, to avoid distractions.

Erling finished quicker, he got out first, getting towels for both of us, before starting to dry himself.

He was a sight.

In all his naked glory.

His body was art.

"Take a picture, it lasts longer" he commented, not even turning around from where his muscular back is facing me.

I blush for the tenth time today.

Seriously what is his secret? Does he have superpowers?

How the hell did he see me?

"I have to be very aware of my surroundings baby, I'm a footballer, remember" he joked.

"I don't think I could ever forget you in your Manchester city home equipped even if I try. Wet dream material." I admitted, getting out of the shower and shivering because of the temperature change.

He immediately helped me, putting the big towel around me and a smaller one on my head.

"Awww thanks baby, glad to know you get off on me wearing the blue kit, got to wear it more often," he said, his cheeks a bit pink too.

"Or just don't wear anything, that would work too, for getting me off" I suggested, playfully.

"Oh shush it you, you would constantly blush whenever you see me partially baked! You would not resist me being naked around you!" Erling said while drying my hair carefully.

"No, I don't!" I slap at his arm.

Ok, maybe I'm a bit intimidated by him, especially naked. But like who isn't? Have you seen him?

He's a fucking God. A Nordic God.

"I love it when you do that anyways, don't worry. I find it very cute, the way you react around me" he admitted.

"Shut up" put the other towel on top of his head, pouting.

"Awww my little angry kitty," he said, leaning down to kiss all over my face, as I tried to stop him, giggling.

We ended up using the same drier for drying our hair, I let him have a go first Erling while doing my night routine then took it after he finished while he was doing his own night routine. Much simpler than mine.

"Let's get in bed!!" He suddenly said, lifting me up and walking out of the bathroom, ignoring my protests.

"Erling!!!"

"I prepared you some clothes" he gestured to the pile of clothes on the bed, one of his kit light blue shirts, which was a dress for me and a pair of short white yoga pants, together with some fluffy blue socks and for him just some white boxes.

"You're basically naked" I comment, dressing myself in his shirt, loving how big it feels on me, then going to the closet to get some panties, deciding on some white ones.

"Very nice sight baby" he commented from the bed as he looked at me since I left the door of the closet open. I was bent down to pick the panties and of course, he was watching.

I blushed and immediately pulled the shirt down to cover myself.

"Perv!" I walked back to the room, closed the window shades and joined him on the bed.

"Oh God, this bed is like heaven…" I moaned as my back hit the soft material of the sheets, pulling the covers over me as I moved closer to Erling, searching for his warmth.

I moved my freezing feet under his shins and I put my hands on his abs to warm them "Nooo, you ice cube! How are you so cold?!" He shivered but hugged me closer.

"I don't know… I'm always cold, but you're hot" I whispered, hiding my face in his chest.

"Even your nose is cold" he giggled.

"What should we watch?" He asked, scrolling through the Netflix recommendations.

"Something with Vikings" I joked, almost asleep. He was just so warm and comfy.

"Hey, don't fall asleep on me!" He nudged me, kissing my hair.

"But I'm sleepy…" I complained, trying to get even closer to him, pulling my covers over my head to hide.

"It's so early thought, what are you, a chicken?" He giggled pulling the covers down.

"I'm an old lady, let me have some peace. You'll understand when you get to my age" I pouted.

"Your age, baby you're 3 years older than me that's no old" he laughed and started tickling me.

Did I mention I'm very, very ticklish?

I absolutely hate being tickled.

"Erling!!!!!!" I squealed, but he was having none of it.

By the time our tickling fight was done, I was trying to catch my breath, my face was covered in tears from how hard I was laughing, while he was laughing his ass off at me.

"Awww baby I made you cry, come here" before I could react he moved around, hovering over me, not putting all of his weight on me, as he used his arms to support himself but still. He was so fucking heavy!

"Nooo! Get off me you giant! I can't breathe!" I groaned, trying to shove him off, "Aww baby, I made you breathless too, am I this pretty?" He playfully spoke, trying to sound like a girl, flipping his long blonde hair.

"You are actually, the prettiest girl out there" I kissed his nose, moving one of my arms around him while I used my other to run my fingers through his soft hair.

"Hey!!" He playfully protested, but I kissed his pout away, making us both smile dumbly at each other after.

"I love moments as these" I looked into his eyes.

"Me too" he kissed me.

We sat like that for a while, just looking into each other's eyes, smiling and kissing until Erling spoke "Let's go eat something, I'm so hungry"

"You and your appetite, baby, don't know how you can eat so much and be this fit, it shouldn't be possible" I admitted, admiring his body once again as he got up from the bed.

"I'm a Viking baby, we are not normal people" he offered his hand to help me get up but I just rolled over on his side of the bed, pulling the covers over me as I hugged his pillow. I changed the sheets this morning and he barely sat on the bed since then, but I swear it has his scent.

I love his scent with a passion.

"Stop smelling my pillow, I'm getting a bit jealous over here! Plus, you could have the real thing…" he smirked, pulling the covers from around me and pulling me up.

"You can be a brute sometimes, Erling Haland" I sighed, following him out of the room, well not that I had much of a choice since he was holding my hand, basically pulling me.

"Only for you baby" he lifted me up on the island-like counter when we arrived downstairs into the kitchen, kissing my nose and then proceeding to take half of the fridge out to eat.

"You're something else, Erling, I swear…"

Note:

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[mage-of-black-robes]

Rules

1. No godmodding. Don’t try to control my character, and don’t automatically assume he’s going to conform to what you want him to do.

2. Anon hate is cowardly and stupid. If you have an issue with me, my characters, or my roleplaying style, just message me about it so that we can work things out like mature and civilized folks. Any Anon hate will be met with shameless mocking and roasted like chestnuts over a fire.

3. Mun is 18+. While NSFW themes such as violence, blood, torture, and criminal acts MAY be present, smut will not be written unless it’s with a partner I know extremely well. If an rp gets to that point, I would much prefer a fade-out or time-skip. I am not personally comfortable with writing smut. However, cuddling, teasing, kissing, and make-out sessions are more than welcome.

4. Please be aware that I have a job that takes up most of my time and energy, and that I have ADHD and autism, and that I might not be able to reply for hours or days on end. If you think I may have forgotten a thread, feel free to message me politely about it, but please be patient with me. I’m trying my best! Sometimes my brain weasels just won’t cooperate.

5. This is a sideblog. I follow back from @foxytonic ~

6. Mun does not equal muse! Raistlin might do fucked up shit, including but not limited to murder. Just because I write it does not mean I condone it. This blog will also deal with heavy subjects such as death and PTSD. I will try to tag triggers appropriately, but if you need something specific tagged, please don’t be afraid to tell me.

7. When sending memes/starters from a multimuse, please specify which muse they are from, or I will choose a random one.

8. This blog will contain HP/Wizarding World content. Scroll at your own risk. But please know that I don’t support TERF bullshit. I’m tired of letting the internet police what I’m allowed to be interested in, and I refuse to let JKR’s actions kill the joy of my youth. She can suck it!

9. Don’t reblog/like starter calls or open starters if you are not a roleplay blog or have no intention of replying after I do. Don’t reblog closed starters or rp threads if you aren’t my partner.

10. Although I do research my muses before writing them, I don’t know absolutely everything, and I’m limited by what content I can find on the internet. I also tend to make shit up because I fuckin LOVE worldbuilding! Please be patient with me. I’m here to roleplay, not play Um, Actually.

11. I’m not here to start drama, nor am I keen on being dragged into it, HOWEVER, if you have a problem with my friends, you have a problem with me. Trying to pit me against a partner will result in an instant block.

12. If you’re a bigot of any kind or you support known abusers (I.E. Am*er He*rd), stay off my blog.

13. I don’t roleplay with people who FC hunt. If you’re only interested in my characters because of the FC I use, we’re not compatible partners. If I see a tag on your blog like ‘wanted opposite’ or ‘wanted partner’ or something to that effect, it will result in an immediate unfollow/block.

[night-mare-fuel]

1. No godmodding. Don’t try to control my character, and don’t automatically assume he’s going to conform to what you want him to do.

2. Anon hate is cowardly and stupid. If you have an issue with me, my characters, or my roleplaying style, just message me about it so that we can work things out like mature and civilized folks. Any Anon hate will be met with shameless mocking and roasted like chestnuts over a fire.

3. Mun is 18+. While NSFW themes such as violence, blood, torture, and criminal acts MAY be present, smut will not be written unless it’s with a partner I know extremely well. If an rp gets to that point, I would much prefer a fade-out or time-skip. I am not personally comfortable with writing smut about 70-ish% of the time. However, cuddling, teasing, kissing, and make-out sessions are more than welcome. Please note that Damon is really into BDSM, which I’m not experienced with, but have read about. If you would like to go that route with him, I would prefer to discuss it extensively beforehand.

4. Please be aware that I have a job that takes up most of my time and energy, and that I have ADHD and autism, and that I might not be able to reply for hours or days on end. If you think I may have forgotten a thread, feel free to message me politely about it, but please be patient with me. I’m trying my best! Sometimes my brain weasels just won’t cooperate.

5. This is a sideblog. I follow back from @foxytonic ~

6. Mun does not equal muse! Damon might do fucked up shit, including but not limited to murder. Just because I write it does not mean I condone it. This blog will also deal with heavy subjects such as death and PTSD. I will try to tag triggers appropriately, but if you need something specific tagged, please don’t be afraid to tell me.

7. When sending memes/starters from a multimuse, please specify which muse they are from, or I will choose a random one.

8. This blog will contain HP/Wizarding World content. Scroll at your own risk. But please know that I don’t support TERF bullshit. I’m tired of letting the internet police what I’m allowed to be interested in, and I refuse to let JKR’s actions kill the joy of my youth. She can suck it!

9. Don’t reblog/like starter calls or open starters if you are not a roleplay blog or have no intention of replying after I do. Don’t reblog closed starters or rp threads if you aren’t my partner.

10. Although I do research my muses before writing them, I don’t know absolutely everything, and I’m limited by what content I can find on the internet. I also tend to make shit up because I fuckin LOVE worldbuilding! Please be patient with me. I’m here to roleplay, not play Um, Actually.

11. I’m not here to start drama, nor am I keen on being dragged into it, HOWEVER, if you have a problem with my friends, you have a problem with me. Trying to pit me against a partner will result in an instant block.

12. If you’re a bigot of any kind or you support known abusers (I.E. Am*er He*rd), stay off my blog.

13. I don’t roleplay with people who FC hunt. If you’re only interested in my characters because of the FC I use, we’re not compatible partners. If I see a tag on your blog like ‘wanted opposite’ or ‘wanted partner’ or something to that effect, it will result in an immediate unfollow/block.

[feathers-n-fangs]

1. No godmodding. Don’t try to control my character, and don’t automatically assume he’s going to conform to what you want him to do.

2. Anon hate is cowardly and stupid. If you have an issue with me, my characters, or my roleplaying style, just message me about it so that we can work things out like mature and civilized folks. Any Anon hate will be met with shameless mocking and roasted like chestnuts over a fire.

3. Mun is 18+. While NSFW themes such as violence, blood, torture, and criminal acts MAY be present, smut will not be written unless it’s with a partner I know extremely well. If an rp gets to that point, I would much prefer a fade-out or time-skip. I am not personally comfortable with writing smut. However, cuddling, teasing, kissing, and make-out sessions are more than welcome.

4. Please be aware that I have a job that takes up most of my time and energy, and that I have ADHD and autism, and that I might not be able to reply for hours or days on end. If you think I may have forgotten a thread, feel free to message me politely about it, but please be patient with me. I’m trying my best! Sometimes my brain weasels just won’t cooperate.

5. This is a sideblog. I follow back from @foxytonic ~

6. Mun does not equal muse! Griffin might do fucked up shit, including but not limited to murder. Just because I write it does not mean I condone it. This blog will also deal with heavy subjects such as death and PTSD. I will try to tag triggers appropriately, but if you need something specific tagged, please don’t be afraid to tell me.

7. When sending memes/starters from a multimuse, please specify which muse they are from, or I will choose a random one.

8. This blog will contain HP/Wizarding World content. Scroll at your own risk. But please know that I don’t support TERF bullshit. I’m tired of letting the internet police what I’m allowed to be interested in, and I refuse to let JKR’s actions kill the joy of my youth. She can suck it!

9. Don’t reblog/like starter calls or open starters if you are not a roleplay blog or have no intention of replying after I do. Don’t reblog closed starters or rp threads if you aren’t my partner.

10. Although I do research my muses before writing them, I don’t know absolutely everything, and I’m limited by what content I can find on the internet. I also tend to make shit up because I fuckin LOVE worldbuilding! Please be patient with me. I’m here to roleplay, not play Um, Actually.

11. I’m not here to start drama, nor am I keen on being dragged into it, HOWEVER, if you have a problem with my friends, you have a problem with me. Trying to pit me against a partner will result in an instant block.

12. If you’re a bigot of any kind or you support known abusers (I.E. Am*er He*rd), stay off my blog.

13. I don’t roleplay with people who FC hunt. If you’re only interested in my characters because of the FC I use, we’re not compatible partners. If I see a tag on your blog like ‘wanted opposite’ or ‘wanted partner’ or something to that effect, it will result in an immediate unfollow/block.

[serpentinebrando]

1. No godmodding. Don’t try to control my character, and don’t automatically assume he’s going to conform to what you want him to do.

2. Anon hate is cowardly and stupid. If you have an issue with me, my characters, or my roleplaying style, just message me about it so that we can work things out like mature and civilized folks. Any Anon hate will be met with shameless mocking and roasted like chestnuts over a fire.

3. Mun is 18+. While NSFW themes such as violence, blood, torture, and criminal acts MAY be present, smut will not be written unless it’s with a partner I know extremely well. If an rp gets to that point, I would much prefer a fade-out or time-skip. I am not personally comfortable with writing smut. However, cuddling, teasing, kissing, and make-out sessions are more than welcome.

4. Please be aware that I have a job that takes up most of my time and energy, and that I have ADHD and autism, and that I might not be able to reply for hours or days on end. If you think I may have forgotten a thread, feel free to message me politely about it, but please be patient with me. I’m trying my best! Sometimes my brain weasels just won’t cooperate.

5. This is a sideblog. I follow back from @foxytonic ~

6. Mun does not equal muse! Jett might do fucked up shit, including but not limited to murder. Just because I write it does not mean I condone it. This blog will also deal with heavy subjects such as death and PTSD. I will try to tag triggers appropriately, but if you need something specific tagged, please don’t be afraid to tell me.

7. When sending memes/starters from a multimuse, please specify which muse they are from, or I will choose a random one.

8. This blog will contain HP/Wizarding World content. Scroll at your own risk. But please know that I don’t support TERF bullshit. I’m tired of letting the internet police what I’m allowed to be interested in, and I refuse to let JKR’s actions kill the joy of my youth. She can suck it!

9. Don’t reblog/like starter calls or open starters if you are not a roleplay blog or have no intention of replying after I do. Don’t reblog closed starters or rp threads if you aren’t my partner.

10. Although I do research my muses before writing them, I don’t know absolutely everything about witchcraft, and I’m limited by what content I can find on the internet. I also tend to make shit up because I fuckin LOVE worldbuilding! Please be patient with me. I’m here to roleplay, not play Um, Actually.

11. I’m not here to start drama, nor am I keen on being dragged into it, HOWEVER, if you have a problem with my friends, you have a problem with me. Trying to pit me against a partner will result in an instant block.

12. If you’re a bigot of any kind or you support known abusers (I.E. Am*er He*rd), stay off my blog.

13. I don’t roleplay with people who FC hunt. If you’re only interested in my characters because of the FC I use, we’re not compatible partners. If I see a tag on your blog like ‘wanted opposite’ or ‘wanted partner’ or something to that effect, it will result in an immediate unfollow/block.

[quaintnecromancer]

1. No godmodding. Don’t try to control my character, and don’t automatically assume he’s going to conform to what you want him to do.

2. Anon hate is cowardly and stupid. If you have an issue with me, my characters, or my roleplaying style, just message me about it so that we can work things out like mature and civilized folks. Any Anon hate will be met with shameless mocking and roasted like chestnuts over a fire.

3. Mun is 18+. While NSFW themes such as violence, blood, torture, and criminal acts MAY be present, smut will not be written unless it’s with a partner I know extremely well. If an rp gets to that point, I would much prefer a fade-out or time-skip. I am not personally comfortable with writing smut. However, cuddling, teasing, kissing, and make-out sessions are more than welcome.

4. Please be aware that I have a job that takes up most of my time and energy, and that I have ADHD and autism, and that I might not be able to reply for hours or days on end. If you think I may have forgotten a thread, feel free to message me politely about it, but please be patient with me. I’m trying my best! Sometimes my brain weasels just won’t cooperate.

5. This is a sideblog. I follow back from @foxytonic ~

6. Mun does not equal muse! Jett might do fucked up shit, including but not limited to murder. Just because I write it does not mean I condone it. This blog will also deal with heavy subjects such as death and PTSD. I will try to tag triggers appropriately, but if you need something specific tagged, please don’t be afraid to tell me.

7. When sending memes/starters from a multimuse, please specify which muse they are from, or I will choose a random one.

8. This blog will contain HP/Wizarding World content. Scroll at your own risk. But please know that I don’t support TERF bullshit. I’m tired of letting the internet police what I’m allowed to be interested in, and I refuse to let JKR’s actions kill the joy of my youth. She can suck it!

9. Don’t reblog/like starter calls or open starters if you are not a roleplay blog or have no intention of replying after I do. Don’t reblog closed starters or rp threads if you aren’t my partner.

10. Although I do research my muses before writing them, I don’t know absolutely everything about witchcraft, and I’m limited by what content I can find on the internet. I also tend to make shit up because I fuckin LOVE worldbuilding! Please be patient with me. I’m here to roleplay, not play Um, Actually.

11. I’m not here to start drama, nor am I keen on being dragged into it, HOWEVER, if you have a problem with my friends, you have a problem with me. Trying to pit me against a partner will result in an instant block.

12. If you’re a bigot of any kind or you support known abusers (I.E. Am*er He*rd), stay off my blog.

13. I don’t roleplay with people who FC hunt. If you’re only interested in my characters because of the FC I use, we’re not compatible partners. If I see a tag on your blog like ‘wanted opposite’ or ‘wanted partner’ or something to that effect, it will result in an immediate unfollow/block.

[cursedphoenix]

1. No godmodding. Don’t try to control my character, and don’t automatically assume he’s going to conform to what you want him to do.

2. Anon hate is cowardly and stupid. If you have an issue with me, my characters, or my roleplaying style, just message me about it so that we can work things out like mature and civilized folks. Any Anon hate will be met with shameless mocking and roasted like chestnuts over a fire.

3. Mun is 18+. While NSFW themes such as violence, blood, torture, and criminal acts MAY be present, smut will not be written unless it’s with a partner I know extremely well. If an rp gets to that point, I would much prefer a fade-out or time-skip. I am not personally comfortable with writing smut. However, cuddling, teasing, kissing, and make-out sessions are more than welcome.

4. Please be aware that I have a job that takes up most of my time and energy, and that I have ADHD and autism, and that I might not be able to reply for hours or days on end. If you think I may have forgotten a thread, feel free to message me politely about it, but please be patient with me. I’m trying my best! Sometimes my brain weasels just won’t cooperate.

5. This is a sideblog. I follow back from @foxytonic ~

6. Mun does not equal muse! Tanc might do fucked up shit, including but not limited to murder. Just because I write it does not mean I condone it. This blog will also deal with heavy subjects such as death and PTSD. I will try to tag triggers appropriately, but if you need something specific tagged, please don’t be afraid to tell me.

7. When sending memes/starters from a multimuse, please specify which muse they are from, or I will choose a random one.

8. This blog will contain HP/Wizarding World content. Scroll at your own risk. But please know that I don’t support TERF bullshit. I’m tired of letting the internet police what I’m allowed to be interested in, and I refuse to let JKR’s actions kill the joy of my youth. She can suck it!

9. Don’t reblog/like starter calls or open starters if you are not a roleplay blog or have no intention of replying after I do. Don’t reblog closed starters or rp threads if you aren’t my partner.

10. Although I do research my muses before writing them, I don’t know absolutely everything about witchcraft, and I’m limited by what content I can find on the internet. I also tend to make shit up because I fuckin LOVE worldbuilding! Please be patient with me. I’m here to roleplay, not play Um, Actually.

11. I’m not here to start drama, nor am I keen on being dragged into it, HOWEVER, if you have a problem with my friends, you have a problem with me. Trying to pit me against a partner will result in an instant block.

12. If you’re a bigot of any kind or you support known abusers (I.E. Am*er He*rd), stay off my blog.

13. I don’t roleplay with people who FC hunt. If you’re only interested in my characters because of the FC I use, we’re not compatible partners. If I see a tag on your blog like ‘wanted opposite’ or ‘wanted partner’ or something to that effect, it will result in an immediate unfollow/block.

[gloryofluv]

Order Up! (Coffee Shop AU) Chapter 10

Oh, Alex, you always find commonality in kindred spirits! The broken tend to look for each other, don't they? (picture brought you by my awesome brain fucking around with filter on a stock photo)

Previous Chapter

Alex was standing outside on her break on the phone and nearly growling as she stood by her car. Of all the frustrating, stupid fucking things. She rolled her neck. This was truly ridiculous. Routine. That’s all she wanted. Applicable routine!

The call came off hold. “Miss, I just spoke to the doctor. She said unless you schedule an appointment, we can’t refill your medication.”

“What do you mean? I’ve been taking these for years?” Alex snapped and shifted her hips. “Why? This is the first time I’ve had to come in. She knows how I feel about doctor’s offices. We’ve always done tele appointments when it’s needed.”

“Miss, I’m sorry, but you haven’t had a physical in several years, and our policies are changing. We have to be sure everything is working together well. I’m sure you’ve received your email or letter,” the receptionist told her.

“Ok, but I’m out of it this weekend. I have severe ADHD. It’s in my file. Can’t she fill it for just the weekend? I have tons of things to do, and I doubt you make evening appointments,” Alex breathed and rolled her neck. This wasn’t what she liked. She definitely didn’t like someone poking at her and saying what was wrong with her.

“We have an appointment available at three tomorrow if that’s late enough,” the receptionist declared.

“Do you have a Friday morning available?” Alex questioned while tightening her jaw.

“No, we have a two o’clock on Friday,” She responded.

“Okay, do you have a morning appointment tomorrow?” she asked while running her fingers on her driver’s door. Alex was bouncing on her feet and swishing her hips. She despised this.

“The earliest we have is ten o’clock.”

Alex breathed and rocked her head. “That works. Does she need me to fast so we can do blood work?”

“Yes, that would be best. She’ll want to do a full workup. We can schedule a pap at the time if you like.”

Alex grimaced and breathed. “Yes, fine. Whatever it takes not to have to come in for a while.”

“I understand completely, Miss. I don’t know anyone who likes clinical visits,” the receptionist giggled.

Alex smiled and rocked her head. “Okay, tomorrow at ten. Got it. Should I bring in my other medication?”

“Ah, yes, please. It will make the visit swifter.”

“Thank you so much. I apologize for my frustration,” Alex murmured.

“Of course, we shall see you tomorrow.”

Alex hung up and rolled her neck again. “I hate this. Ridiculous unneeded shit.”

“I never liked doctor visits myself.”

Alex pivoted and blushed. Diavolo was standing there smoking some sort of vaporizer. “Hello, Diavolo. How are you today?”

Daddy Diavolo was in a pinstripe suit and looking sharp. What? Dammit, Jordan and his wicked nicknames for people. Alex licked her lips and ran her thumb over her fingernails.

He puffed and smiled while the cloud left his lips. “I’m doing pretty well. Barbatos went to snag us drinks while we were in the area. Business prattle irritates me occasionally. I needed to see a friendly face.”

Alex relaxed against her car and smiled. “That’s great that you at least are getting a caffeine bump. I have a few more minutes on my break if you want to chat.”

He tilted his head and shifted on his frame. “Lucifer told me you were going to rent a room from him. I think that’s fabulous.”

The pillow talk between them must be oddly stiff. Oh, god. What the fuck was wrong with her today. Alex had to shake off the image and rubbed the side of her neck. “Yes, it makes sense. I’m going to buy Jordan’s family home for them. I’ll find someplace to rent after the sale. It’s all in the works. Thank you for the stellar recommendation for the agent.”

Diavolo took the device to his mouth as he smiled and the vapor poured from his nose. “You’re welcome, but it’s quite deserving. That’s quite intelligent and loyal. Oh, what did the ocean say to the beach?”

Alex’s smile grew. “What did it say?”

“Nothing,” Diavolo snorted and then smiled. “It just waved,” he chuckled and waved his free hand before sliding it in his pocket.

Alex giggled and shook her head. “That’s ridiculously good.”

Diavolo laughed and nodded. “I thought so too! How do you feel about traveling?”

Alex shrugged her shoulders. “I always wanted to, but I didn’t get the chance when my parents died.”

“I, unfortunately, can’t say the same,” Diavolo shook his head. “When my father died, I visited three different countries to meet the regional operators in a week. I didn’t go very many places when I was younger because he was always working or traveling for business. However, I understand his plight now. Sometimes I just want to be home.”

“I’m sorry about your father,” Alex nodded.

Diavolo smirked and stepped toward her. “I know how you feel about your medication. It’s funny how one little pill eases the worst symptoms, huh? Science. Who would have thought?” he laughed.

“Yeah,” Alex puffed and shook her head. “I’d be more of a mess without it. I think I do alright now, though my doctor keeps telling me I need to see a therapist.”

He gestured to her. “Do you suffer from insomnia as well? What about stimming?”

Alex laughed and nodded. “I often play with my apron at work. At home, I mess with my hair more. I have plenty of object blindness, so that kind of helps living with all my parents’ things.”

“Masking?” Diavolo questioned.

Alex rocked her head. “All the time. Jordan calls it my alter ego. He thinks it’s some sort of superpower that I perfected with his encouragement.”

“I have a selection of 8D music I’ll send you for focus,” Diavolo nodded. “If you have any recommendations, I’m open to seeing. I’m always trying to explore new avenues.”

“That’s the dopamine search,” Alex laughed and nodded.

Diavolo let out a stream of laughter and rocked his head. “Yes, it certainly is, isn’t it, Alex.”

Alex checked her phone and breathed. “I have to go back inside.”

Diavolo gasped and held up his finger. “Here, I’ve been meaning to give this to you.” He dug in his breast pocket and handed her a small pin of a red devil smirking. “I’ve noticed you wear them on your hat, and I quite like that. My contribution,” Diavolo nodded.

She beamed and pressed her fist to her chest as she held it. “Thank you, Diavolo.”

“I will be texting you later when we’ll schedule our little date for your dress if that’s alright. If you want, I can email you instead of for formality,” He said while tilting his head.

“Text is fine. I just hate talking on the phone,” Alex giggled.

“Me too,” Diavolo groaned and grinned.

Alex laughed and shrugged. “I suppose we all have our mountains to climb.”

“Indeed. Enjoy the rest of your day, Alex. You added a bit of pep in my step.”

“Same, thank you,” she beamed and bowed her head before walking toward the cafe.

Well, you learn something every day. Diavolo, CEO and superpower in the world had ADHD? Well, that explains the goofy persona. That actually made Alex feel ten times better. She passed Barbatos and waved. He nodded at her with a small smile, and she skipped behind the counter.

Jordan arched his eyebrow as she snatched up her apron. “What did Daddy want today?”

Alex glanced out at him, taking another puff before meeting Barbatos in the parking lot with a bouncy stride. “To chat,” she settled with as she washed her hand at the sink.

“Interesting,” Jordan hummed.

Alex pocketed the pin and nodded. “Completely.”

“And did Daddy give you something special?” Jordan teased with an arched eyebrow.

“Can you stop with this? It’s really screwing me up, J,” Alex puffed with red cheeks. “I swear it. I’m going to accidentally call him that, and then I’ll be fired for sure.”

“Or taken to dinner,” Jordan laughed and shook his head. “Okay, okay, I’ll stop, for now. When are you moving in with the crazy terrors of the seven plagues?”

“This weekend,” Alex expressed as she went to the pastry case and began organizing what was in there with tongs. “Hey, Jordan, I have a weird question.”

“Shoot, babe,” he said while changing out the coffee and brewing a fresh batch.

“Do you think it’s weird for me not to date?”

“Yes, hun, I do, but don’t listen to Asmo. He’s surface energy until you get to know him. Any progress with Mr. Black Coffee?” Jordan asked.

Alex exhaled and shook her head. “I recently found out he’s unavailable.”

“Oh, that is a pity,” Jordan scrunched his nose. “I was really rooting for that. He seemed so into you.”

She shrugged her shoulders and smiled over at him. “I wasn’t that invested in it.”

“How about Sugar-free Vanilla?” Jordan asked with an arched eyebrow.

“I shouldn’t engage in any sort of drinks that I’m going to be in proximity to anyway,” Alex voiced as she set out more scones in the case.

“I suppose,” Jordan laughed as he leaned on the counter. “Oh, looky here. Here comes trouble . Sin never looked so tasty. If that boy were ever into experimenting, I’d be there in a hot second for that meal.”

Alex glanced at the door to see Beelzebub climb out of his car and pull on his shirt while Belphegor and Mammon soon joined. They all threw on shirts, and Alex had to scowl at that. What the hell did they do that they were shirtless?

The trio walked into the cafe, sweat still beading on their faces. Alex moved to her register and beamed. “Hey, boys. What have you been up to?”

Beel grinned as he wiped his forehead with his arm. “Alex, we have something exciting to tell you.”

“Yeah, but let me!” Mammon puffed and rolled his neck. “Ya, see, it was my idea, so I get to tell ya how great I am!”

“Okay, I’m listening,” Alex nodded.

“We broke into your house and cleaned out your backyard,” Belphegor snorted.

Mammon growled and shoved him. “I wanted to tell her. Why ya gotta be such a dick?”

“Oops,” Belphie smirked.

“But we found something,” Beel added.

“Yeah, we did,” Mammon snapped. “I did. I found it.”

“And then you tried to pocket it for money,” Belphie rolled his eyes.

“I did not!” Mammon huffed.

“Okay, guys, calm down. What did you find as you did your weird B&E? I’m not going to even go into how many people would be asking for you to break in and do the same.” Alex laughed as she shifted on her feet.

Beel dug in his jeans and produced a necklace with wings in the shape of a heart and a topaz. It was delicate, small, and a little dirty. “Oh!” Alex gasped. “That was my grandma’s from when she was little. Where was it?”

“In a tin box in the shed. It looks like someone put it in there to do yard work,” Belphie shrugged.

Beel offered it to Alex, and she beamed. “Thanks, you guys. My mom used to garden and must have set it in there when she had to turn the soil.”

“So, uh, that’s like really important,” Mammon hummed as he fixed his glasses. “Which means we did ya good.”

“Yes,” Alex beamed and placed the necklace in her pants pocket.

“So, we’re gonna wait for you,” Mammon smirked as he crossed his arms over his chest in a lean.

She shrugged and leaned on the POS screen. “How about all of you get a refreshing drink, and I’ll be done in just over an hour.”

They all were nodding, and she imputed their orders. She enjoyed their little bickering back and forth before they sat down with food and drinks. Jordan approached and leaned on her shoulder. “Doesn’t hurt to have weird friends, does it?” He whispered.

“No, I’m starting to see that,” she beamed as she glanced at him.

“Babe, I’ll never leave you, but I just want you to be loved, okay? You deserve it. I did plenty of checking when I hung out with Leviathan. They’re good guys.”

“I see that,” she voiced. “Thank you for being my misfit brother, Jordan.”

“Of course, Alex. You’re my little sister. Always,” He chuckled and kissed her hat before walking back over to the espresso machines.

@rsmrymnt-tea@otome-scribbles

[emakenz]

SELF INDULGENT HANNIBAL X READER FANFICTION PROMPT

I do not know what this is, if it is a drabble or a prompt or short story, I have no clue. Just thoughts in my head. Storylines that are realistic within the canon of the show. I say self indulgent because it's sort of a self insert of myself, but whatever, I dunno. It's almost 7 AM. I would actually write this as a story or drabble or whatever but I don't have the drive, if I have a thought I gotta write it down right then or it disappears. If I wrote fanfics, they wouldn't make sense because my mind wanders so fucking much. I might still do this someday, I dunno, but if anyone wants a crack at it, be my guest. I encourage it, as I'd love to read this as an actual story rather than... what it is. But if you write it, ya gotta make sure you include the big details I write down. The small details like, the whole Jack thing, that's not too important unless you want to keep it for showing character and/or character development. And ya gotta credit and tag me because I'd love to read it, as it is my brain's own little bundle of ideas. Holy shit I'm writing so much here goddamn. Anyway.

. . .

Hannibal is reader's friend and he has an interest in reader. Reader is an artist, they work as a forensic artist for the bureau. They do what the usual forensic artist does, but they also like to draw the crime scenes. They have a fascination with recreating the work of a suspect, it can help them connect dots and understand the suspect's intentions and ideals of commiting the scene of the crime. Reader is kind of like Will, in a sense, as they are on the spectrum but, unlike Will, they are unaware of it. They are an empath, they view everything from different perspectives and try to understand each side, like Will. But you see, Will only looks into the suspects' minds, but reader looks into the suspects, the victims, and even the witnesses' views. Hannibal finds their insight to be valuable (for his own "hobbies", in his career, and just plain interest, of course).

Reader has trouble with Jack yelling at them for "talking back," though in reader's mind they didn't realize what they said could be considered rude, and this happens more often than not. They can't handle loud noises, and Jack's booming voice messes them up. They tend to avoid Jack because of this, as they usually have an internal meltdown and shut off when he blows up.

An example; reader was explaining how the victim of the killer in a specific scene wasn't really the victim, but that they were the actual killer. Will disagreed, as he views the suspected killer to be the actual killer. Because of Will's insistence that reader was wrong, Jack shut reader off mid sentence by interrupting their defense. Jack trusts Will's insight more than reader's because he's known him longer and Will's always been right, so far, and he didn't want to risk messing up. He didn't want to get the investigation incorrect so he didn't take the chance of listening to reader rather than Will.

(In this scenario, the killer is the victim in the scene, and the person that killed them was the killer's intended victim, but the victim they intended to kill was a serial killer as well -- the victim pulled the ol switcheroo on em. So both Will and reader are right. If this doesn't make sense, please let me know, I will try to elaborate more on this if you're actually interested.)

Jack and reader don't have a bad relationship or anything, it's just a lot of miscommunications and underlying issues (like the reader having undiagnosed autism, not being aware that they're socially impaired can, well, impair their work and relationships. Such as here.) Nobody really notices the odd behavior from reader, as Will is like that too, so they don't question it. They all assume it's already understood that reader is autistic.

Reader isn't like Will when it comes to being social, as they are more reserved (as odd as that is, MORE reserved than Will Graham himself?? It's more likely than you'd think.) and don't fidget around with stuff around them. They don't nose around, they keep to themselves, closed off from everyone and everything. Will likes to roam around Dr. Lecter's office and tinker with stuff in the room, but reader is too anxious and shy to do such. Reader hates it when people come into their space (like their room, even their property in general) and they especially don't like it when people nose around in their stuff. It feels rude to them, so they don't do it to others. They don't consider Will to be rude because he does it though, they only consider it rude when a person comes into their space and does it, as reader would make it clear that they don't feel comfortable with people doing such. They wouldn't want a person unknowingly seem rude to them, they would inform them beforehand, but if the person still does it, then that's rude to reader. Call it being territorial, reader is just cautious about their property.

If reader is in a conversation, and being asked questions about themself, they usually just give short and simple answers. They don't like to talk about theirself. And they especially don't like letting people know them well. They are very cautious about relationships. They don't want to get hurt. They have a major rejection sensitivity disorder. They hate that about themself.

It's not that reader is cut off from the world and dismissive of others, they do like to talk and joke around occasionally. They're sarcastic yet literal, depending on the topic of conversation. They just don't give more input than they believe necessary. They're more of a listener (by that I mean they space out when a person is excessively talking to them. They can only handle so much.).

Hannibal notices reader's quiet, timid behavior and wants them to find some release, therefore he engages in conversations with them, though it is hard for them to keep the conversation going, he still pushes. He wants them to let loose, to trust him, so he can bond with them. He is aware of reader's autism, but he will only bring it up when he deems it's important. He knows everyone else knows and that reader doesn't, but he wants to see if reader would eventually figure it out on their own (they don't, he brings it up to them eventually). He's also aware that reader has anxiety and ADHD, with the occasional depression and mood swings. Reader is somewhat self aware of those parts of themself though, it's not a big deal. Reader doesn't really care about their mental health until Hannibal comes in and becomes Dr. Lecter to reader. They're not actually his patient but he will treat them as such when he feels they need a therapy session. Reader doesn't like the idea of therapy at all, not for them. Hannibal has to be discreet when getting them to open up. It works sometimes. Other times, reader just changes the subject to avoid the topic of theirself. While Hannibal does still have an interest in Will, reader is more of a craving for Hannibal's appetite. Hannibal sees reader as a rare delicacy that suits his taste, but he never gets enough, and he always wants more. Will can satisfy him in his interest, but reader doesn't give in to him like Will does. Reader is more hesitant, even when they are comfortable. Eye contact never ceases making reader uneasy, they can't hold it more than a few seconds, though Will can hold it as time goes on, reader can't. Will and reader's relationship is close, as reader relates to Will a lot, and vice versa. They connect. Reader likes to help with the dogs and assist in fixing motors and even go fishing with him. They're pretty much best friends. They're more open with Will than anybody else, as much as Hannibal envies Will for that, he also likes to learn about reader from Will. Since reader doesn't really open up to Hannibal willingly and knowingly, he uses Will for information. Will gives him what he wants, it's not a secret that they talk about reader often, it's just that reader doesn't engage in their talks so they make do. Whether Will has a crush on reader is a mystery, reader is unaware and Hannibal wouldn't allow it if he did. Will knows that Hannibal likes reader, he knows that if he had a crush, it's more than likely going to hurt him more than anything. Hannibal often attempts to get reader's attention in different ways, but reader never understands the message is for them. Will knows he can't be honest with reader as he's afraid that reader would feel uncomfortable around him if he did. He doesn't let himself crave reader after seeing Hannibal attempt to ease his own cravings for them, and seeing how that panned out, he knows he doesn't have a chance with reader if Hannibal of all people doesn't. Reader doesn't really... understand romance. They are capable of feeling romantic, but they don't know how to identify their feelings, so emotions are never clear for them. They feel everything but they don't understand anything.

Hannibal does get reader to give in but it takes a lot of time and effort to pry them open. Once reader is bare, they become insecure and vulnerable. They panic and get scared, and shutdown. Hannibal is a therapist and he knows how to handle this, though, and helps reader. He becomes their guide. Reader thrives off of independence but Hannibal slowly takes their need of independence away, having reader rely on him more and more. It makes him feel powerful. His cravings are nourished at this point in time, he's more addicted than ever, and reader is the center of his world. I guess you could say Hannibal is yandere-esque, not my intention but that's the vibes I'm getting from this. He's overprotective and possessive of reader once he has them under his wing.

What attracts Hannibal to reader is the same reason he's interested in Will. He enjoys having someone clever enough to understand him, to climb over his tall walls. Reader doesn't mean to do this, reader just sees him, and unlike Will, accepts him immediately. Reader never disliked Hannibal, reader's just cautious, as I've stated time and time again. Something about reader's mix of strong empathy but lack of understanding compels Hannibal. Reader sees and infers well enough (guessing close enough to what others think) but they can't really grasp it and latch onto it for theirself. They can't understand the feelings, but they can guess on them, and they can sure as hell feel em. They have trouble explaining stuff to others, and they try to always compare something to something else. They see something as a different thing than what others see. (An example, reader sees the shape and color and texture of a giant hotpocket in the ground, while others see a patch of dirt where grass hasn't grown) (I don't mean they literally see a hot pocket but they make the connection that it looks like a hot pocket) (that example is specific, as it is personal experience LMFAO)

This being said, they can be wrong a lot of the time when they try to infer a killer's intentions, as they sometimes just can't see the intentions being anything else than what they see. They have to rely on others for reference, to mimic their thinking patterns and then make a final guess at the killer's intentions. That's why Will and them connect so easily, as Will usually thinks straight AND helps reader figure it out in their own view. They help the team with investigations for other perspectives while Will helps with the "finalized" guess on the case. If this doesn't make sense, I can give another example, as I don't really know how else to word this. I doubt anyone will actually read any of this and I'm fine with that, I'm just rambling about my ideas. I swear to god though, if someone takes this idea without credit (in general, like the big picture of it) I will cry so so hard you will drown in my tears. Deadass.

Enjoy my rambles ig :)

[sadselfhelp]

Who I Am, And Why I Created This Blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Drug Overdose, Suicide, Psychotic Breaks. 

Take a walk with me, let me show you around the mind of The Sad Hatter.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I'm standing on a cliff's edge and I'm either going to plummet or I'm going to fly. It's been building inside me for a long time, and I can't contain it anymore. So here it is, here's me laid bare, because I need to say this, I need to put it into words. I need to purge it all. To try and make sense of all of this shit in my brain, I think it's time I organize it. I don't know where to begin, but I guess I start at the beginning and make use of the ability to edit.

Before you read this, please be aware of the trigger warnings. And please understand that this is the most honest and open I have been, I really am stripped bare in this piece of writing. It’s not at all pretty, and am I not guiltless in parts. This may well alter whatever opinion you have of me. 

I guess the beginning is birth, right? But I don't want to rehash all that trauma, so let me speed through it. Twenty-Eight years ago I was born, violently. I'm serious, I ripped my way out of the womb, and tore that thing apart. I guess I can sort of understand why my mother couldn't love me after that was my first act, collapsing her womb. So let me speedrun this part of the story. Mum didn't want me, gave me to my dad who raised me as a single parent with the help of his parents, until he met my stepmother. Shockingly, she didn't want me either, but because she couldn't get rid of me she decided to physical and psychological torture was the next best thing. 

When I was eleven years old I snapped and didn't want to put up with it anymore, so I wrote a goodbye note and then snuck into the medicine cabinet and took a bunch of pills. Spoiler alert, I didn't die. I did however end up in a children's home, cue more abuse, little bit of bullying and sexual assault etc.... I snapped again, but instead of turning my anger inwards, I became an absolute bastard. Ok, I still turned it inwards a bit, I had a lot of anger, and now I have a few hundred scars to prove it. But, it turns out that violence can beget violence, and I acted out in every possible way. Racked up a horrifying rap sheet, assault, vandalism, arson, and finally... GBH. I was supposed to get put in a secure unit (child prison – Scottish Edition) but I was always able to talk myself out of trouble. 

See, I was this tiny little white girl with big sad eyes and a hell of a sob story, even at the bottom of the food chain I still had privilege. So instead of getting locked up, I just got sent to a different home. And here's the really messed up part, this home was better. The staff were nicer, and nobody hurt me. My behavior literally changed overnight. I went from being charged by the police on a weekly basis, to never getting so much as a pocket money sanction. I will never excuse my actions, nor condone them, but after years of guilt I finally realized that the bad things I did were in retaliation to a bad situation, and though I wasn’t acting like a good person, I’m not a bad person, just a messed up one. 

I still refused to go to school though, because though I didn't yet know it at the time, I had severe social anxiety. I was smart, a little too smart to be honest, and I found myself thriving with a private tutor. When the time came to sit my exams, someone fucked up, and despite having record breaking test scores on the pre-exams, I never actually got to sit my standard grades (think SAT's – Scottish Edition). I'm still bitter about that. So by this point in the story, I'm 16, and legally an adult, too old for a children's home. I got turfed to a hostel, and the next few parts of the story are pretty fuzzy to me. 

This is where my mental health really started to deteriorate. I bounced between homeless hostels and B&B's for a year or so, until I got a my first flat/apartment. By that point, I was utterly fucked in the head. I was blacking out frequently, for anywhere between a couple of minutes to three days. I would come back to myself in sometimes compromising positions, and once there was blood. A lot of blood, splashed all over the walls. Then there was the time I suddenly found myself standing in the kitchen, about to plunge a knife into my own chest.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell that was about. Or maybe they did and I just... forgot? But because I was extremely suicidal, a doctor finally decided to do something, and the police and the paramedics came to my door to take me to the psychiatric hospital. I spent ten months there while I cycled through various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and was 'rehabilitated into society'. The second I was out, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I can give you one piece of advice, one lesson to take from my shitshow of a life, it's this: Don't move hundreds of miles away to be with the guy you met online while you were having a psychotic break.

I've never really thought of myself as a victim, but I guess I'm the only one who saw it that way. Ben, that was his name, Ben was a monster, and I didn't know it until it was too late. He never hit me, never lifted a hand to me, he never had to. He could put a knife in my hand and make me hurt myself for his entertainment. I had told him everything, so he knew exactly how to break me down, how to make me want to bleed. He locked me in a house and used me up. And when I had enough, and tried to break free of him, he would just tell the police I was mentally ill and they would smile sympathetically and give me back to him.

But then my dad had a breakdown. My dad, who when he found out what my stepmother was doing to me, buried his head in the sand and packed my little suitcase for me. I hadn't spoken to him in a while until he reached out from the same psychiatric ward I had not long vacated. He had cracked under the realization that I had never lied about her, and the guilt broke him apart. I could have hated him, if it had happened a few years earlier then I would have. But I had experienced enough of the world to learn a few things, like how easily it is to fuck up, and that no matter how strong you are, you aren't immune to monsters. The truth was he was as much a victim of her evil as I was. She had manipulated him, played with his head, used his insecurities against him. So I helped him through his issues, the way I wished someone had helped me. That doesn't really make me a good person, it just makes me human.

But my dad got better, and found his footing. And when he did, he realized something wasn't right with me, and I told him the truth about Ben. My dad had left me to suffer at the hands of an abuser once before, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. He came and got me, and he took me home. He moved me in with him, gave me his bed and slept on the couch. After a couple of months, he helped me get my own place.

And that's the happy ending, right? All the trauma was over, I was safe, that's where the story should end. Right? I bet you're not naive enough to believe that, but I sure as hell was. I thought I would recover and that everything would be ok. I thought that with safety, there would come the chance to heal. I thought my wounds would scab over, and I would have my scars but at least I would be able to move without bleeding out. But that's not how trauma works. I had two decades worth of trauma, abuse, and hell.

I just... faded. I didn't crack, I didn't crumble, I didn't break, I just stopped. For five years I sat in one room of my home, drowning inside myself. Last year I got handed a lifeline, and now I live somewhere better. I'm not really allowed to live independently so I actually live in kind of retirement village of all places. I have my own house, but it's got intercoms and emergency cords everywhere, I get checked on daily by on on-site worker. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. It's just not that easy.

There's more to the whole story that I maybe should have put in, like the fact that my mother was a drug addict when she was pregnant with me, and that may have been the reason some of my organs didn't properly form and/or formed wrong. My lung split in half when I was a baby, and parts of my stomach are missing. Or that my mother is full on batshit insane. I could have had a perfect childhood and I still would have been mentally ill. Hell, I was seeing psychologists at five years old. Take my sketchy genetics, add twenty years of severe traumas, and well... I'm a little fucked up. Because a lot of medical conditions use acronyms, my full list of diagnosis looks like I'm collecting the fucking alphabet.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Agoraphobia. I also have a Pulmonary Sequestration, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, the stomach and lung issues. Immune Hemolytic Anemia, I'm basically allergic to my own blood. Plus, ya know, my liver recently decided to just fucking nope out, the pissy lil bitch is failing. I also may or may not have cancer, I don't know because I pussied out of the tests. At this point I am a walking, decaying corpse that is held together by glitter glue and bitterness.

So... why exactly am I writing this? And why am I even considering posting this? I mean, my problems aren't as bad as some other people's. We've all got shit to deal with, especially in 2020. The whole world is falling apart, so what right do I have to sit here pouting and pouring my problems out? Well, for a start, I guess this is my blog, I can post whatever, and it's up to everyone else if they read it.

So here it is, you have the backstory, so here's what it's all been leading up to.

I'm struggling. Like, really struggling. I'm stuck on this cliff, and I want off, any way I can. Whether I fall or fly, I just want free. I can't live like this anymore, because I can't breathe.

The fucking agonizing duality of being socially anxious and too easily overstimulated, and yet feeling fucking empty inside if you're not surrounded by action and noise. The world is too noisy for my brain, but my brain is too noisy for the world. I get antsy if I'm not doing at least a thousand different tasks, but I get overwhelmed if I try to do anything at all. It leads to short bursts of mania, followed by weeks of depression. But underneath all of that, under all the dramatic showboating, and the dark humor, under all the bravado... I'm really just sad.

Years ago, when I first came up with the moniker "The Sad Hatter", I said it was because I may be mad, but my madness was born of sadness. I'm just sad. I carry it with me where my heart should be. So I named myself Sad, and I put on the hat, and I wore my sadness like armor, turned it into an act, and made a spectacle of it. "I'm The Sad Hatter, and I'm mentally ill but that's alright, I'm going to be just fine!" I told you all I had my issues, and I'll come close to opening up about how bad those issues are, I'll give little chunks of information at intermittent intervals, and then two hours later I'll act like it never happened. I'll admit I was close to killing myself, and then two days later I'll post dog photo's and act like I'm all better.

I'm writing this because I'm sad. And tomorrow, I'll act like I'm not. But when I waver again, I'll come back here and I'll open up again. And along the way, maybe you're reading this and realizing you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're realizing you're not the only one who isn't healing neatly and in a timely manner. Maybe you're reading this and gaining some insight into the struggles someone you care about is facing. Maybe my opening up is can help somebody else, I really hope so, but I know it's helping one person. It's helping me.

This blog, it's about living with myself. It's about living with The Sad Hatter.

[lokidokeyartichoki]

functional depression is the dumbest fucking thing, I hate it so much. I can go to work, I can do my job well and upbeat, and when I get home I’m all like “what’s the point. Why is existing even a thing. I didn’t ask for this and it takes too much effort. Why can’t everything just stop existing. I’m too tired.” I hate being functional and in my brain there’s a constant ticker tape at the bottom of all my thoughts that goes “why bother, nobody cares, nobody thanks you, your hard work goes unnoticed, it’s all useless and pointless” it’s just the dumbest fucking thing and I know I KNOW it’s a warped perception. I know it’s not reality, but I’m having such a hard time making a purpose. I know people are like “if all you did was feed yourself today, that’s enough” but it doesn’t FEEL like enough because I’m “functional”. It’s a dumb identity place in the world issue and I’m so tired of accomplishing something big and then my brain going “hey so now there’s no plan, let’s get depressed”.

I’m just so fucking tired of my dumb dysfunctional brain chemistry, my adhd and my NVLD. I’m tired of being told that I should be working two jobs when just the one part time is exhausting because I give it 110%. I’m tired of people telling me that some people have 2 or 3 jobs, that some people work and then have to take care of their family. Like, good for them but I don’t have the spoons to function that way and I’m so done with people judging me for that.

I’m tired and existing is too much and I never asked to exist in the first place. (I am not suic*dal, I’m not in danger, I’m just existentially exhausted and I don’t feel like being a human being is worth the risk benefit ratio at the moment. It will pass once I figure things out and this is a reliable pattern of mine so I did sort of expect it. Please do not worry about me, I’m okay. My brain just does dumb shit like this sometimes and I have to put it somewhere so it doesn’t stay locked up in there. Fun fact, the whole “im not locked up in here with you, you’re locked in here with me” trope is literally my rational thoughts vs my depressive episodes. I’ll be okay, it’s just going to take a bit to regulate the unknown.)

[somefandomimagines]

Hi! I was wondering if I could get a haikyuu matchup 🖤

I’m a chaotic 5’2 bi who loves dying my hair bright colors. Right now it’s blue.

My Myers-Briggs personality type is ENFT.

I have adhd, odd, depression, and anxiety. Which is basically means I either give something 1000% in effort, or nothing at all. And sometimes that is determined by someone telling me that I “have/need” to do it. Because I tend to have problems with authority figures and don’t like being told what to do.

I also have a hard time sitting still unless I’m hyper focusing on something (usually reading or going down a research rabbit hole on something that I find interesting). Those episodes only last so long though. Otherwise I like being out and doing things (usually with my dogs). I love traveling to new places and trying new things. I listen to all types of music, but David Bowie and Neil Diamond will always place top in my heart. I love to sing and dance at random. I’m not good at either, but that doesn’t stop me.

Those are my good days though. Some days depression and anxiety get ahold on me and I’ll do a 180. Those days I usually try to stay on my own and read or distract myself with movies and tv.

My favorite genre is horror. I love scary things - books, movies, documentaries, tv shows. Paranormal investigations? Im in! Stephen King’s new release? I already got it preordered.

I love games. I’m not so much into video games, but tabletop and card games are my jam. I’m also pretty good at trivia too (the more useless and random the questions are, the better I am).

I’m also a practicing pagan and witch. I specialize in divination (tarot cards, oracle cards, and tea leaf reading) and have a ridiculously large collection of rocks/crystals, candles (mostly because I like things that smell good) and different tarot and Oracle decks. And random fact; my favorite tarot card and the one I identify with the most is The Fool.

I think that’s all I’ve got at the moment. Thank you in advance 💚🖤💚🖤

So I kinda just skimmed through this but if I get anything wrong please don't be upset :( ALSO IT'S SO COOL THAT YOU'RE A WITCH!! I wanna get into that stuff but I'm too pea brained and can't find anyone to help me lol Anyways I match you with... ASAHI!! - Look, look, I get it, he's a gentle giant kinda guy and you're hyperactive and hated by authority - But opposites attract - He'd be attracted by how strong you are tho - Like you just give off this energy and he can't help himself - You guys meet when you get transferred into one of his classes - Your hair is so cool,,, He likes it - Like he wants to be bold like that too </3 - You guys end up talking somehow - For once... Someones not scared of him??? OMG!!! - You guys get along so well at first too - You're the one to make a move and ask him out on a date tho - You guys go to a simple picnic :0 - He shows you his fashion designs btw- He's super good at that - He also brings the cutest little foods too - Tiny sammiches - anyways you guys have a great time - At some point things get quiet but like- a comforting quiet - You guys have a really cute dynamic tho - You help him get over some of his anxieties and he helps you with yours - ALSO HE'S SO INTERESTED IN YOUR WITCHY STUFF IT'S SO COOL - He could listen to you talk abt it for hours - When you guys study and you can't focus, he'll wrap an arm around you and pull you close - He knows that talking while doing things can help others focus so he tries that? Idk if it works but he finds smth to help - Also you're hyperfixed on smth? RANT TO HIM - Ok if it's horror he might get scared shitless but he'll listen - Poor mans is horrible with horror but finds it cute that you have such an interest in it - He gets you out of trouble with teachers and other school staff somehow - Maybe bc they find him scary or he's a kiss-ass sometimes - When you're having a down day, you've got your big teddy bear there w/ ya - He lets you play with his hair if you want, it really calms you both down - During your down days he'll just quietly cuddle you as you guys watch TV or he'll try and help you get something productive done - Either way, he somehow makes your day better - And then when HE has a down day, you're on his ass in a positive way tryna get him up - He,,, He really likes this one cafe with cat-themed snacks - Anyways gender-nonconforming Asahi ftw - He's a man that likes cute things! What's wrong with that?? - With any gender identity you have, he's fully supportive - Might not understand something clearly at first but he'll learn and do his research! - You're his best source for this info tho - He refuses to let you dye his hair tho - He likes his hair the way it is - PDA? Only small things - Hell even the smallest thing gets him fuckin flustered - You hold his hand? He's blushing - He's not really used to relationships but,,, You help him a lot - He's so happy to have met you - Also if you guys have movie nights and you choose a horror movie? He's holding onto you for dear life - Nishinoya is also someone you hang out with and he'll tease you both a lot - Asahi,,, Poor boy he's so fucking flustered - Tanaka joke flirts with you one day and Asahi puts a protective arm around you,,, It's so out of character that it's obvious - Tanaka loses his shit which makes Asahi embarrassed, but you let your mans know that you find the gesture endearing - Hiking dates are a thing hiking dates are a thing - Asahi loves the views and you love the adventure - He gets along w/ your dogs amazingly btw - Your unpaid dogsitter <3 PLEASEOSUFGHSDIFG

[ms-demeanor]

After reading your "ultra-long postivity post", now I have kind of a weird feeling because i relate a lot to pretty much everything you said, but i ended up approaching the "not everyone can x" from the opposite side, being the "gifted kid" teachers used to hold everyone to unrealistic standards (that i knew most couldnt achieve in the given timeframes), and now i get frustrated when i dont develop skills immediately, because i have done it before and feel like i should be able to and aaaaaaaaaa

Funny story: when I was a kid my parents had both my sister and I tested for learning and developmental disabilities. This testing included IQ testing.

It identified that we were both “gifted” kids* and that I’m dyslexic.

It totally missed my ADHD, though!

The problem with that is that my parents. Hm.

Okay my parents both grew up in very poor families. VERY poor. And they both wanted to go to college and knew the only way that they could was through scholarships. So they became debaters. They met at a tournament in high school.

Debaters are weird. You need an efficient working memory and strong recall and the ability to think quickly on your feet. Being witty and kind of an asshole are also good traits for debaters. Basically you’ve either gotta be really fuck-off smart to be a competitive debater or you’ve gotta at least *seem* really fuck-off smart.

And my parents were champion debaters at a national level. The Whittier College debate trophy has my mom’s name written directly under Richard goddamn Nixon. My dad was on the USC debate team and competed against Harvard and won. Not only that but he ended up coaching debate for USC and Cal Tech.

So as kids who grew up in extremely poor families and were able to go to college and get middle-class jobs and buy a house because of intellectual ability my parents placed A LOT of importance on intellectual ability.

So that IQ score became a large part of my life.

First we attacked the dyslexia. The approach was basically teaching me a bunch of sight words because sounding out phonics doesn’t work when the letters get screwed up. And because I was *gifted* we did a lot of really BIG sight words.

It took about six months to get me up to speed from “memorizing the pages of a story to match the pictures because I couldn’t read along in class” to “the first book I read on my own was The Hobbit.” I guess that counted as “cured” because that was the last time I got any kind of educational assistance.

At that time I was at a gifted school, a really tiny private school that was also an after-school daycare where we did full-day classes and then did gymnastics and swim from 3-6pm. I also was there over the summer because my parents worked.

So going from “tiny private school where the teacher has you stand up in class to read your failing grade in front of everyone so that she could shame you into performing better” to “fine public school in a suburb wealthy enough to have arts programs” was a major, major change. They did an aptitude test because I was transferring in from a different district and there was much discussion about whether or not to move me directly from the second to the sixth grade.

The district refused, thank fuck.

The public elementary school didn’t *have* a gifted program so it took very little time for me to become the Certified Weird Kid. My third grade teacher had me read aloud to our class for twenty minutes a day. I taught the class the multiplication table.

When it got to be time to go to the junior high school my mom went to a meeting for the school’s gifted kids program. APPARENTLY one of the kid’s dad’s basically said “I don’t understand why you’re wasting school funds on field trips for the stupid kids, the school should spend more of its resources on kids who have a chance of actually meaning something to the world” and my mom decided that while being gifted was important it was less important than making sure I wasn’t exposed to assholes of that caliber on a regular basis.

(thanks mom, I actually do really appreciate that reprieve)

Several teachers pushed me into advanced classes - my math teacher insisted that I take the advanced algebra classes in the seventh and eighth grade.

The GATE kids *WERE* assholes and were extra bonus special assholes to me because math was the only advanced class that I was in. (At my junior high school you had to pick your elective based on what level of classes you were in - to take the GATE classes you HAD to take a music elective; if you took art, drama, shop, or home ec you couldn’t take the smart kid classes. The algebra class was a new, separate addition to the program so *some* of the kids in the “electives for dropouts” program could take algebra. Schools are really fucked up, guys, in case you didn’t know schools are really fucked up and that was BEFORE No Child Left Behind).

I got a C in that algebra class and sat in my room for literally an hour screaming at myself for being such a selfish, distracted idiot that I let myself read my books instead of studying harder for the class. (clearly very healthy, normal twelve-year-old behavior)

When it was time to go to high school my teachers made a united plea to the district to transfer me into honors/IB/AP classes.

The kids in the honors/IB/AP classes continued to be kind of awful to me. I got extremely depressed and basically started doing the lazy-but-brilliant thing of completely ignoring homework or in-class work but performing spectacularly well on tests or essays in the classes that I wasn’t catastrophically failing

I was the only person at the school who got a perfect score on the vocab part of my SAT. I was the only honors kid who hadn’t been in SAT prep classes. There was only one other kid who graduated with the same number of units as I had, we’d outstripped the valedictorian and salutatorian but three classes each. I only applied to one college - I got accepted for painting but my interviewer urged me to move to the writing program and I got accepted for that too.

My financial aid didn’t come through and my dad wasn’t willing to cosign for loans on “an art program at a trade school.”

I got accepted to Pratt Institute on their Writing for Publication track which included an internship with the New York Times for third-year students in the program.

At that point I had a Columbia Scholastic Press award for my work on my high school yearbook.

Let me tell you, the community college that I went to and spent five years variously failing and succeeding at had a fucking *killer* newspaper and magazine when I was there. The local community newspaper that hired me when I was 21 was also much better designed and edited than it had any right to be for the three years I worked there (getting paid a whole eight dollars an hour and sometimes working 20 hours straight to get it in to the printer on time).

When I transferred to the state school I got perfect grades and worked full time and won every contest offered by the school’s English Honors society (which I couldn’t join because I was a transfer student and hadn’t done honors classes my freshman and sophomore years). I started a literary magazine with some friends when I graduated; we published four full issues online before it fell apart.

You know what’s also funny?

Even the food-service job I had to pay my way though the community college I felt terrible about attending was a skills test. I was a barista, so of course for a while I was a competitive barista.

I disappointed my parents a lot. I heard a lot of “we know you’re better than this.” I got told I was too smart to be screwing up this bad. I mentioned it a couple weeks ago but my results from that IQ test got compared to my sister’s and that was the justification for holding me to a higher standard. “You’re measurably brilliant, why aren’t you acting like it?”

Here lies the corpse of a gifted kid. Look on my works ye might and despair.

I am the perfect picture of a twice exceptional gifted kid and the reason I wrote all of this out is to tell you one thing:

“Gifted Kid” is a label that someone applied to you, it has nothing to do with who and what you ARE.

It’s very, very unfair that the adults in your life used you that way. I have an exceptionally terrible memory of being singled out as the only one who passed the first test in my IB World History class; “Why is Alli the only one of all of you who is writing at grade level? You’re supposed to be the smartest kids in the school, why did you all fail?”

That’s awful for the kids around you, that’s awful for you. It doesn’t do anybody any favors if people around you are being informed that you’re setting the curve they’ll be judged against. And it really, really doesn’t do YOU any favors because it doesn’t take long *at all* for your brain to learn that that’s all you’re good for. If you aren’t the best at a thing then what’s the point, you HAVE to be best because they already SAID you were best and if you aren’t then all these other people hate you for setting a standard that even you can’t keep up with.

You end up competing with past versions of yourself and focusing on those things that make the grownups in your life praise you because the grownups in your life has praised you in such a way that it’s turned all the other kids against you.

You know who bullied the fuck out of me? The kids I taught the times tables to, the kids I read to for half an hour a day.

Those kids were MEAN to me but the teacher who told me to read Boxcar Kids to the class after lunch everyday was NICE and she told me not to worry, they were just jealous and I should be proud of my gifts.

“Anon did this in three minutes. What’s taking the rest of you so long?” - what a terrible weight to put on a child. You’re right. Not everyone can do everything.

Fucking hell.

Adults what the everloving shit is wrong with us? Please don’t treat kids like that.

Okay.

Okay.

But here’s the other thing:

If there’s any time in your life that it’s easy to acquire skills with no apparent effort it’s when you’re a child surrounded by a support system that is engaged in making sure that you can acquire those skills.

It took three adults, two dictionaries, and several hours a day to teach me enough sight-words to throw me into “look at baby genius*” territory but from my perspective as a little kid I was just reading cool stories.

I spent four hours a day in the yearbook room and ditched and failed other classes so that I could work on the yearbook. I collected hundreds of magazines to get an eye for layout. But from my perspective as a teenager it was a fun activity that I did with the closest thing I had to friends.

I’m sure that there are some skills that you had a natural aptitude for, some things that came naturally. But I’m also sure that you didn’t learn those skills with no effort, it’s just that now as an adult with a life and other shit going on it takes more effort to learn to do things.

In all likelihood you weren’t a savant who did everything perfectly the first time you tried. It just seems that way because even really smart kids don’t know when they’re bad at things and are mostly being compared against other kids (with the few rare exceptions of music prodigies or math prodigies or those kids who end up in science grad programs at 12 and boy howdy do I think there’s a whole other can of worms when it comes to the way child prodigies* interact with the world).

You wanna know what probably saved my life in the last few years?

That “anti-capitalist love notes” tumblr post.

You are worth more than your productivity.

You are worth more than your productivity.

You are worth more than your productivity.

I was actually kind of offended the first time I saw that post on my dash. “No I’m not,” I thought. “You’re only worth what you can do, everyone knows that. People care about what you do for them.”

And why the hell would I think anything else? That’s what I’d learned for pretty much my whole life.

It took me a really long time to understand that I was wrong. I matter outside of what I can do for people or how well I perform. I matter more than being able to perfectly recite poetry from memory or do calculations on command or sit down at a piano and play a piece I’ve never played by sight-reading it.

And you matter outside of that too. You’re more than your performance, you’re better than being gifted. There are people who love you for the way you make them laugh and how you listen to their stories and for the simple joy of your presence.

It’s nice to be clever, it’s handy in a lot of situations even if it does come with a lot of baggage for some people.

But god damn, it’s important to be kind.

* Personally I have issues with the way that society constructs the concepts of giftedness, genius, and prodigies. There are a lot of “gifted” kids who were the kids who scored in the top 5% of their class in school but there are also gifted kids who were doing high-level math or reading novels as toddlers; there are prodigies who showed an aptitude for music young and who were then schooled in that instrument to the exclusion of all other activities (and I bet there are a fair number of kids who might be considered prodigies if they were trained to play flute for nine hours a day and didn’t have friends but thankfully we don’t *do* that to very many people - side note, ask me my opinion about olympic athletes some time). Words like “genius” and “gifted” are very nearly meaningless and almost *never* accurately reflect skills proficiency or long-term success or are reflected in income or respect. People think that geniuses are hypercompetent robots with their shit together but literally every adult I know with a genius-level IQ is some variety or other of total fucking tire fire.

[iconsumeheadcanons]

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

[telesthisia]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. REPOST DO NOT REBLOG !!

NAME:  amber! uvu 

PRONOUNS: she/her

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION: i like discord a lot because IMs sorta feel very much like prison, however, if people would like to communicate from there i don’t mind! also i use twitter as both a dumping ground for ocs, loz, inane shit, and public chat room tbh tbh. 

NAME OF MUSE(s): zelda, zelda, and hilda... also my oc. but since we’re on here, it’s just princess zelda ;v;

RP EXPERIENCE/HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?): I DIDN’T FIND OUT ABOUT RPING UNTIL I WAS 18-19 MEANWHILE THERE ARE PPL WHO HAVE BEEN IN THIS GAME SINCE AGE ONE AND A HALF DSHFJKBHJB, so like 5-6 years-ish. i’ve been on interwebs since 2007,,,, i been knew nothing about RP until way later hweoh,,,, i feel out of the loop half the time orz i think i saw youtube rpers tho ;;;;; on vocaliod videos ;;;

PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED: which leads to this! i only used tumblr but have tried twitter, i also adore Discord rp uvu and i... hm... that’s about it!

EXPERIENCE: like anything and anywhere you go, you’ll have good times and bad times. i haven’t had too many bad experiences, minor annoyances here and there for sure but nothing that’s majorly bad to my knowledge. i think, i mostly had good experiences because since taking up this hobby i mostly remember fun times in making friends ;v; gross cheesy. i need to get back to mean me. 

RP PET PEEVES/DEALBREAKERS: miscommunication. it’s hard to read text sometimes because certain things come across different to some people so it’s nice to clarify things up a bit. i also hate tip-toeing around things, just be upfront about it and talk things out with others when it comes to these things. of course insert: breaking rules. i don’t like blown up icons unless it’s something mobile did in that case totally understand... uncut post however? nah.

MUSE PREFERENCES

FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: FLUFF FUCKING KILLS ME AND I HATE IT SO MUCH. give me twenty please. i love fluff but god damn it fucking destroys my heart and i become a puddle of goo. angst is fun but i’m someone who likes things that’s more bittersweet. angst just for the sake of it with no resolve is something i’m not a huge fan off and try to avoid. smut well,,,, i don’t mind writing it depending on which muse it is AND who i write it with but it’s very, very, very rare and all on discord. it’s hard to write smut without it sounding like it’s from bad sex awards, fade to black is the best bet ;;;; 

PLOTS OR MEMES: I LIKE BOTH, both are good. 

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: mo can i just say that i feel you on the ADHD because god mood, it takes me a year to respond to long threads. i’m not even kidding. ask some mutuals. that said i do love long threads even if it takes me a bit but short quick ones are fun too! i’m in the middle range. it’s very good compromise between my need to write and hell brain letting me write without me having to smack it with a stick. 

BEST TIME TO WRITE: OH SHEESH, whenever i can find the time these days. i’m usually out and about, or at work. 

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S):  No. I DON’T THINK SO AT LEAST DNAJKBFHJ, any muse i play as i can’t say have my traits. maybe when it comes to ocs where i base them off of experiences either from myself or friends or from people watching, but not really when it comes to canon characters. i do find myself attached to them though because i love how they are written... but... this zel is mostly headcanon based because there’s so little we know about her so princess zel is a bit of a rare case here haha! so no, i’m not cheery nor am i cryptid. i’m just stupid pft, my mind too big to not stan. 

tagged by: with my little pizza hands i stole this from @riwrite tagging: man take it dudes!!

[cjwallflower]

Marvel Gender Headcanons

because i doubt some of these people are cis

Peter: 

i claim this man for the trans community

he realised he was trans at around present time (15-16 years old)

he knows his family and friends will accept him

he’s still N E R V O U S

but he still wants to be true to his identity

so he wears the trans flag colours!!

Ned obvs catches on, but doesn’t say anything

Tony’s the first one Peter comes out to, bc i’m soft and irondad owns my heart

Tony gets him a spider suit with a binder built in

Peter is absolutely the kind of trans guy who forgets to take off his binder (i’m not projecting what do you mean)

he comes out to his aunt May next, and she breaks out the scissors

the other eventually figure it out, and they accept him immediately

Peter: Hey Clint?

Clint: Yo

Peter: I’m trans

Clint: *takes a gulp of his soda* wig

Peter: ???

they love him though let’s be real

Natasha Punches A Transphobe

someone calls Peter a tr*nny 

Natasha sends them on a one way trip to space :)

Peter absolutely decides to go on T

and he is a handsome!! boy!!

he eventually tells Ned and MJ, and they accept him too

Ned buys him a trans flag

NED BUYS HIM A TRANS FLAG

by the time they’re graduating high school, Peter passes as cis very well

Tony:

i’m claiming Tony as trans too

i promise there’s other gender identities here jdsfhkhsdfkjh

Tony came out in the 80s of all times

we know Howard

it didn’t go over well

Maria didn’t say much about it, but Howard was actively against it

Tony didn’t care at all

he literally snuck out and got a fake ID so he could start on T

Tony was almost 18 at that point, but he still used Howard’s money

just to piss him off

well Howard ended up dying like 3 years later

Maria survived because fuck you

but Tony never ended up getting any surgeries because he ended up getting busy with the company

he just didn’t have time, with all the recovery that goes into it

he’s still on T though!!

mans has tiddies and a beard, the boomers get confused

he tends to keep it more private though

Pepper knows, how could she not?

Pepper is the sole reason Tony survived to adulthood lbr

Peter found out accidentally

Tony got oil on a shirt while fixing one of his machines, and Peter walked in while he had it off

he saw the binder and boyyy was that a surprise

but it totally explained how Tony already knew so much about supporting Peter in his transition

the problem with being an ADHD workaholic?? 

hyperfocusing

when Tony hyperfocuses, he forgets to take off his binder

Jarvis: Sir, you need to take off your binder

Tony: Gimme like five more minutes, I need to finish this

Jarvis: Sir, it’s been 38 hours??

Tony: *already moving onto the next task* What’s your point?

his ribs are so fucked

Pepper and Peter remind him too

my boy is a mess

Thor:

this is solely because my nb loml claimed thor as nb and it’s super fucking valid

i love you babe 🥺

so Thor learned about different genders from Loki

and also from Peter tbh

but Thor LOVED the idea of being in between

it just made him really happy!!

he started using those labels a lot, even though he didn’t know much about what they meant

being on Earth more, he started to learn more about them

mostly because they replaced cops at pride (Peter’s idea)

so Thor decided to learn more

he knew he liked boys, that wasn’t uncommon on Asgard

gender expression was very open, but that blurred the lines a lot for him

when he got to non-binary, it clicked

“oh that sounds like me”

“THATS ME”

he was excited he’d figured it out

his immediate instinct?

he went to tell Loki

the only problem was Loki was asleep

“LOKI LOKI LOKI-”

“what do you wANT-”

“I’M NON-LIBRARY!!”

“WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN-”

it took like ten minutes for Loki to figure out what he meant

Loki was tired give him a break

he just kinda pushed Thor’s face away and went back to sleep

they talked about it again in the morning

after Loki got some coffee he was more receptive

“I accept you, just please stop waking me up at 2 am”

Thor’s just trying his best

he doesn’t know how to be non-binary though

(there is no right way to be enby though)

so Loki tried a few example sentences using they/them pronouns

Thor LOVED it

so now Thor wanted to use they/them pronouns

Loki isn’t a brain cell by any means

but he sure feels like one sometimes

and he’s tired of it

ANYWAYS

Thor announced it to everyone they saw

some people heard it multiple times

“GUYS I’M NON-BINARY!! :D”

they were happy for their thude

and Thor wore an enby flag to their first pride!!

now the protector of the lesbians says non-library rights

Loki:

Loki basically always knew he was genderfluid

it just seemed really obvious to him?

he realised he wasn’t cis when he was 7

he transformed into a girl for fun 

and she was like “oh i like this-”

so she experimented with that

and she fucking loved all of them

so she turned back into a boy and went to Frigga

that’s how he found out about the word genderfluid

so he basically just grew up shapeshifting as much as he wanted

when they eventually went to earth, Loki couldn’t shapeshift as much

after he was redeemed, he still needed to be recognisable so they wouldn’t think he was to pull a fast one on them

he was uncomfy 

Loki stays in his room a lot

he just really doesn’t wanna deal with it

he still shapeshifts in private!

Thor ends up being the one to catch on

but he kinda knows that Loki won’t talk to him

so he sends in the spider child!

Loki and Peter have a pretty close bond

so on one of the nights they hang out, it’s a she/her day

and Loki just kinda snapped and went on a bit of a rant

and she ended up coming out to Peter

Loki totally didn’t end up crying what do you mean

she just needs a hug

obvs Peter was accepting

he gave her that hug don’t worry

this was all on a rooftop eating bad street food jhshkfhjfkhkd

he did ask if he could tell the others, and Loki reluctantly agreed

yeah, the others felt kinda bad

so they ended up compromising!!

Loki could shapeshift, but not into other people 

and she could wear whatever she wanted

they also gave her bracelets so she could express her pronouns

its a long road

and it takes a long time to build trust

but Loki really does appreciate Thor and Peter’s efforts

Bucky:

trans enby rights. send tweet

let’s jump back to 1930s

Bucky was transitioning before the war

he had the surgeries and was on T

Steve was the only one who really knew 

it was right when HRT was starting to become a thing

he was one of the first people to try it

and it worked pretty well!

Bucky passed easily after ~2 years on T

but then he died

RIP Bucky :(

when he comes back as a Hydra agent, they use T supplements to make his body stronger

“Jokes on you, I like that shit”

yeah no the others end up rescuing him from there

but Bucky still takes T

everyone is a bit worried about it

they think he’s still under Hydra’s control

Steve has to explain it (with Bucky’s permission)

but Bucky really starts feeling a disconnect with being a male

it’s mostly due to the trauma from Hydra

he knows he’s not a girl anymore

but he hates the idea of being a boy now

so he has no idea what he is

he ends up drawing the parallel between himself and Thor

but Bucky still sees some masculinity in Thor, which confuses him a LOT

Bucky’s always confused lbr

so he ends up finding the term Agender

and he understands it!! and likes it!!

he’s too nervous to tell the others, so he writes sentences using they/them pronouns

“Their name is Bucky Barnes”

“Bucky is tired, they need a nap”

“Bucky’s best friend is Steve. They’ve known Steve since the beginning”

Bucky is WAY happier with they/them pronouns

the problem is they don’t know how to communicate that

even to Steve, they’re just nervous

Steve ends up finding the paper, which now has over 100 sentences

so the next time they’re alone, Steve brings it up, and after a little bit of avoiding answering, Bucky tells him about it

Steve is super accepting 🥺

“Do you want me to tell the others for you?”

“Yes please, I have no idea what I’m doing-”

“I don’t think any of us do”

so Steve lets the others know, and they start using they/them pronouns

Bucky’s IMMEDIATELY so much happier

i just think they’re neat-

MJ:

MJ isn’t cis, fuck you

MJ is a demigirl

and no one even figured it out for the longest time

she kinda groups herself on the more non-binary side

Peter finds out because someone calls her by they/them pronouns

“MJ?? Are you?? Non-binary??”

“Nope”

“Are you still a girl??” 

“Nope”

after like 20 mins Peter figures it out

and boy is he confused

“Why didn’t you just say it?”

“I couldn’t. Gotta keep ‘em on their toes”

“Who??”

“:)”

the M in MJ stands for mystery

anyways!!

she switches from lesbian to the term Trixic (NBLW)

MJ goes to pride with Peter and Ned that year

MJ gets a girlfriend there!!

she comes out to her girlfriend upfront. she doesn’t feel like waiting

yeah she gets intense

she gets it from her moms

who can blame her

MJ sometimes wears a binder

she wore one on the first day of school, because Peter was nervous about being out (he’d come out over the summer)

MJ will punch transphobes and homophobes

even just for fun tbh

but she won’t do it immediately

she heard someone make a comment about Ned and his boyfriend and waited a few days

and then came out of nowhere

B O N K

the douchebag kinda knew why though 

in conclusion, MJ is elite