#i hate being broke and sad and so far away from everything and everyone it fucking sucks ;;

[the-kipsabian]

i just think seeing kip would fix me

you know??

[bookofbonbon]

all a lie - coriolanus snow.

Pairing: Coriolanus Snow x Reader.

Warnings: Abusive relationship. Death. Descriptions of dead person. Spoilers for TBOSBAS.

Summary: Your relationship with Coriolanus Snow was all a lie.

Word Count: 1k+.

A/N: Sad girl hours. I found the angst fic. I HAD TO THROW IN THE DESTIEL LINE HAHAH (please tell me if you catch it - it's very obvious lmao).

Your engagement to Coriolanus Snow was an arranged one. It was no secret. Everyone in Panem knew. History would report that it was a pre-arrangement between best friends and co-creators of The Hunger Games, Crassus Snow and Casca Highbottom.

Details would emerge how when Crassus Snow’s wife birthed a son and Casca Highbottom's wife a daughter, the pair of bestfriends wanted to join their families; intertwining two of Panem’s most influential families for an eternity.

Feature after feature of the upcoming wedding would be written and published; networks broadcasting far and wide for all to see. It was of course, a bonus that the couple were also in love.

The headlines would call it things like fate and true love, and the people of Panem would fall head over heels for it. 

It was all a lie of course. A lie conceived by Coriolanus Snow. The arrangement, the engagement, being in love. None of it was real.

“I chose her also because I hate her,” you’d overheard him one day. A long pause; the drawn out silence broken only by the sound of his haughty laughter. You could hear the smugness in his voice. “She’s perfect.” 

None would know that the arrangement itself was false but you were constantly reminded by those who were privy to the true nature of your relationship with him that you should be grateful. How lucky you were that the noble Coriolanus Snow would honour the wishes of his great father for you after the shame your own brought.

“You should be thanking me,” Coriolanus hissed, face close to yours and his grip tightening around your arm. “Your father damned you. If it weren’t for me, if I didn’t come up with this arrangement for you, you’d be nothing. I saved you. I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”

The hardest part was that you were starting to believe it too. Reality and make-believe blurring into one - it was becoming increasingly more difficult to discern what was real from what was not; unsure of right from left, up from down. Everything snatched away from you in a moment's notice and you should be grateful. Everyone in Panem is happy for you but, you.

But, Coriolanus lied about the engagement, he was probably lying about that too. 

Of course, it hadn’t always been this way. There was a time that existed when the two of you were friends, genuinely. Your father’s were friends, the very best and so were the two of you - you think.

In hindsight, you wondered if the downfall was inevitable, given the history; something broke down somewhere, your father’s weren’t particularly cordial in their later years. You had never thought that it would affect the two of you as well but, pinpointing when your own friendship with Coriolanus shifted into other was easy - the beginning of your mentorships for The 10th Annual Hunger Games and over the course of the next two months following that until it was dead… along with you father. 

You groan, loudly and keel forward. 

You press your free hand to your forehead but it doesn’t stop the barrage of images of your father’s lifeless body from coming to mind; slumped over his desk, nose bloody, face blue and a blank stare.

A journal would later be found amongst his belongings when Dr. Gaul and Coriolanus volunteered to clear out his things from the academy; a journal full of the ramblings of a mad, drug-addled man, that damned your father all to hell as a rebel. You were sure it wasn’t his - you couldn’t prove that it wasn’t. 

But one thing that you were certain of in all of that, was that there was only one common denominator - Coriolanus Snow. 

You try not to think about how his resentment for your father grew tenfold between reaping day and your father’s last, festering into something rotten. How this entire arrangement was likely revenge so, he would have you, Casca Highbottom’s daughter under his thumb and locked in his cage for the rest of your life to make up for the years of your father’s torment.

The newspapers would report The Revered Dean Casca Highbottom Succumbs to Morphling Addiction, despite the toxicology report finding traces of rat poison in his system; despite your father divulging that Lucy Gray used rat poison to win, smuggled in by Coriolanus Snow; despite you seeing Coriolanus Snow leaving your father’s classroom just moments before you found his body. 

“Snow lands on top.” you’d watch him taunt your father’s grave on the day your engagement was announced.

Coriolanus Snow was never really your friend.

You think you might be sick.

You remind yourself it’s all hearsay and speculation, the official reports read accidental overdose and you’d push that small voice that told you otherwise further and further into the darkest crevices of your mind because Coriolanus Snow saved you. 

“Darling,” Coriolanus calls, voice mechanical. 

You remain seated with your hand pressed to your forehead for a few seconds longer until it clicks - he’s talking to you. 

Hand sliding down your face, the band of your engagement ring is cool against your warm skin. Your elbow digs into your thigh as you rest your chin on your palm and look up at him  with what you hope appear to be sober eyes and as best of a smile as you could muster, given your current state. 

“The Vickers and Creeds are about to leave, we will see them out.” 

Not a question but a command as he holds his hand out stoically for you to take; eyes swimming with restrained rage - had they always been so cold? Perhaps or perhaps not - not that you particularly cared at the moment, you just wanted everyone to leave. 

If you could’ve, you yourself would’ve left the party a long time ago - a luxury unfortunately, not afforded to guests of honour. Not that you felt like a guest of honour. Quite frankly, nursing a migraine in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other whilst avoiding your guests for the duration of the night was not at all how you imagined your own engagement party to be but, that was exactly how it was.

There’s a familiar burning sensation in your nose, a prickling at the back of your eyes, the feeling of something stuck in your throat. 

You hiccup and something akin to concern flashes in Coriolanus’s eyes but it's gone as quickly as it came - you were probably imagining it.

“Put the glass of champagne down,” he tells you and you do.

You want to laugh- or maybe cry but, instead you take his hand, intertwine your fingers, hold his hand loosely and your jaw tightly and let him lead the way. 

-

All fics are my own work - I have not posted my work anywhere else.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters/places mentioned above.

Do not copy. Do not translate. Do not repost.

bookofbonbon 2024. All rights reserved.

[elizaleclerc]

How I love your writing so much! 😭 I saw that you are taking requests / ideas so maybe something of Charles x famous singer reader where they break up and everyone kinda thinks he broke up with reader or it was just a mutual breakup but then reader comes out with a song similar to midnight rain by Taylor swift and ppl piece the pieces together + the lyrics and kinda realize that Charles proposed and reader said no. Just something angsty and with Charles and reader they tried remaining friends but obvi are still in love with reader just isn’t ready for such a commitment. Thank you and love u 😭

tysm for this amazing request xoxo

float in your orbit 🪐

charles leclerc x reader

summary: famous fem singer!reader releases music about her surprising breakup with long term partner charles leclerc

songs: i can do it with a broken heart by t.swift , this is me trying by t.swift , wildflower by b.eilish , champagne problems by t.swift , chloe or sam or sophia or marcus by t.swift :)

author's note: ahhhh my first request!!!! the topic is right up my alley i love love love it. hope u love it too <3 plenty of angst ahead for u x

word count: 2k

With a heavy heart, your fingers traced the same piano note over and over again. The sound was monotonous, a stark contrast to the busy and lively world of your recent world tour. Now, back in your New York City apartment, life seemed dull and uneventful. It was even more glum now that you were alone, with no one to share your thoughts and experiences with.

You sat hunched over the piano, staring at the black and white keys in front of you. Your eyes had a distant glare, as if lost in a deep and melancholic reverie. The city sounds outside seemed muted and far away, as your mind was stuck on pause. Every memory felt like it was on repeat, playing over and over again.

In this moment of isolation, all you could do was sit and reflect on the ups and downs of your career, the highs and lows of fame. The emptiness inside seemed to grow with each passing moment, until it consumed your whole being. You were trapped in a bubble of loneliness, yearning for human connection but unable to break free from the walls surrounding you.

Charles had been your partner for five years. When you were first rising to stardom in the music world, you received an invitation to perform the national anthem at a prestigious Formula One race. As you stood on the track, your heart pounding with nerves and excitement, you caught sight of Charles, one of the esteemed drivers. The connection between you was immediate, a spark of recognition and attraction that lit up the air around you like fireworks. In that moment, you knew that love at first sight wasn't just an empty phrase, but a tangible reality. You could feel it deep within your bones, a warmth spreading through your body that told you this was meant to be.

A deep ache, like a heavy weight, settled in your chest as silent tears fell down your cheek. The emotions swirled and collided inside of you - sadness, hurt, anger, and betrayal all jostling for dominance. Despite both of your chaotic schedules, especially with your tour this year, you had always made sure to prioritize spending time together whenever possible. But during the last month of your tour is when things fell apart.

It was like a sudden storm had swept in, tearing down everything you thought was stable and secure. At first, it was hard to even process what was happening. The shock and confusion were overwhelming, making it difficult to make sense of the situation. But as time passed, the anger and betrayal only grew stronger, raging like a wildfire inside of you. You released a new song two weeks after the split, I Can Do It With a Broken Heart. 

The media went into a frenzy. Fans from both you and Charles speculated on the recent events, but the lyrics in the song were simple and undeniable - Charles had ended things with you. You couldn't help but worry about the hate he must've been receiving, especially since the two of you hadn't spoken since the night everything fell apart. And to add onto the chaos, you still had a tour to finish, forcing a smile and putting on a brave face for the fans that had no idea of the turmoil within.

Being on tour was a necessary distraction, a way to keep your mind off of things. Yet as you lay in yet another unfamiliar hotel room, the same thoughts still haunted you. The rooms all looked different, but they were all characterized by the same sterile and impersonal feeling. The only thing that used to make them feel like home was the sound of Charles' voice on the phone. You would talk for hours, often until you drifted off to sleep, so even though you were physically alone, you never felt truly lonely.

Despite releasing a new single, the public still didn't have the full story of what happened between the two of you, and why you had broken up. With Charles choosing to remain silent in the media, you were left to navigate through it all on your own. It was a daunting task, trying to piece together your relationship and figure out where it went wrong without any input from him. But you refused to let his silence define your story.

Throughout your life, anxiety had been a constant shadow, lurking around every corner and following you wherever you went. It wasn't until a year ago that you finally sought help and medication for it. During this time of struggle, Charles was your unwavering rock, always there to hold you up and support you. Relationships in general were uncharted territory for you when you first met Charles, and the unknown of it all scared you most.

But as the months went by, he became your confidant, someone with whom you could share your deepest worries and fears during those late night conversations. He would listen with patience and understanding, easing your anxieties with his calm presence.

Yet when fate intervened and pushed him away from you, he was not as accommodating as you had hoped. You couldn't blame him entirely, but the void left by his absence consumed you more with each passing day. In an attempt to express all that you felt and lost, you turned to your songs as a means of communication – letting the lyrics speak for your heartache and longing.

In your next release, an EP of four songs would be put out into the world, the lyrics explaining everything. In the week after the release, fans had put all of the pieces of the puzzle together. You spent the hours scouring social media reading the analysis of your relationship, all of it correct but nevertheless heartbreaking. 

~

One particular post analyzed the meaning of the four songs perfectly:

this is me trying: This song is the beginning of the end. Y/N is clearly struggling mentally and is pleading to be understood that they are simply doing the best that they can do. It is a desperate call for affection and is riddled with self doubt. After such a long relationship, Charles could have begun to crack, and Y/N is trying to keep it all together. 

wildflower: This is clearly about Charles’s past girlfriend. He dated her for many years, and was speculated to be one of Y/N’s friends. The lyrics depict her struggling to get past the thought that Charles is actually over his old girlfriend, and she feels terrible about “betraying” her to date Charles. Further in the song the lyrics showcase that Charles clearly loves Y/N, but again her internal battle prohibits her from seeing the truth in their relationship as things seem to break further. 

champagne problems: This is the breaking point. Shocking to fans everywhere, this song reveals that Charles proposed to Y/N, but due to her already detailed mental struggles and anxieties, the commitment was too much for her to bear. The melody and lyrics are filled with regret and a tinge of shame for not being able to commit to Charles, no matter how much she loved him and vice versa. 

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus: The aftermath of it all, she details that even though she cannot commit to marriage with Charles she still loves him deeply and wishes that they could still be together. This caused fans to piece together that after she said no to the proposal, Charles ultimately cut things off.

~

With misty eyes, you read the post that brought back a flood of memories. The night he proposed in Monaco, the city where your love had blossomed and thrived, was etched in your mind with crystal clarity. In your shared apartment, tucked away from the bustling streets, the two of you had a private and intimate dinner that would change your lives forever. Warm flickering candles cast a soft glow over the dining room, while rose petals adorned the table and floor.

Despite being in the comfort of your own home, you both dressed to impress, savoring this rare moment when it was just the two of you. "You look absolutely stunning, mon chéri," he whispered as he gazed at you with adoration, making you feel like the most special woman on Earth. Every detail of that night was ingrained in your heart and soul, a cherished memory that would never fade.

Your hand rested on the white tablecloth, and he gently placed his on top. The warmth of his touch sent a jolt through your body. "Thank you, love," you murmured before he leaned in to place a soft kiss on the back of your hand. As the night went on, you caught up on each other's lives - him excitedly sharing about his latest Formula One race while you reminisced about your past tour experiences. But as the dinner neared its end, you noticed his fidgeting and asked him if he was okay. Suddenly, he stood up from his chair and sunk down on one knee next to you. Your heart skipped a beat, and everything seemed to slow down as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box.

“Mon amour, I don’t want to spend another day without calling you my wife. You’re the most important thing in my life, and I want to spend the rest of it loving you and giving you the world. Will you marry me?” 

Your throat constricted as sweat formed on your palms. The words caught in your throat, refusing to come out. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen - not here, not now. Marriage was never a topic of conversation between you and Charles, but suddenly it felt like an inevitable future staring you in the face at this dinner table. You weren't ready for this.

“I don’t- I can’t-” 

~

Your fingers moved deftly across the ivory keys of your piano, playing the familiar beginning chords of "Champagne Problems." Tears continued to fall down your cheeks, leaving glistening trails in their wake. Memories flooded your mind as you played, memories of a love once strong and unbreakable.

But now, as you sat alone in the dimly lit room, you couldn't help but feel the weight of that love slipping away. You missed him with every fiber of your being. You yearned for his cheeky smile and the way his crystal eyes sparkled when he looked at you. The memory of his messy bed head first thing in the morning made you ache with longing.

The thought of living without him was unbearable. You longed for his laughter, how he would throw his head back and let out a hearty sound that always filled you with joy. You could almost see his nose crinkle in amusement at a bad joke, just as it always did.

And oh, how you missed those moments when he would wear his glasses, simply because he knew how much you loved the way he looked in them. You could picture him now, standing before you with that charming grin and those frames perched on his nose.

But now they were only memories, and you were left to play out this heartache through the melody of your piano.

The realization hit like a freight train, knocking the wind out of you. You couldn't fathom the idea of moving on from this moment, it was too pivotal, too raw. With a sudden surge of energy, you leapt up from your seat at the piano and frantically searched for your phone among the scattered sheet music and empty coffee cups. Your fingers flew over the keys as you dialed the number you knew by heart, each digit a familiar melody in your mind.

One ring, and he picked up.

[naughtyneganjdm]

Naughty or Nice - Chapter 14

Summary: The aftermath of the fight at the Greene farm and Y/N denying Negan's proposal takes place.

Characters: Negan, the reader (OC), etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51464518/chapters/134560708

Warnings: Swearing, severe angst, etc.

Notes: I'm sorry this wasn't up yesterday. I got tired and I passed out. It was a rough day. Thanks to everyone that still kept with the story. I appreciate each and every single one of you!

Twenty-four hours ago, Y/N was in the arms of the man that she loved. She was happy. She felt safe. Even though she was in pain, she felt loved and cherished. In Negan’s arms she felt more comfortable than she ever had in her life. Now? She was miserable.

This was not how Y/N thought she would be spending Christmas Eve. Alone in her apartment. Depressed and sad. Last night she was hopeful. Tonight she was miserable. Sitting in a chair in front of one of her windows that overlooked the city had her feeling more alone than she had in a very long time. Outside the snow was heavy and she felt like it fit her emotions right now. It was a vast difference from how she felt last night. Even though her father broke her, in Negan’s arms she felt far from alone.

Looking to the bottle of Cognac she had in her hand made her let out a long sigh. She probably looked ridiculous sitting in the dark alone. Having the lights off just fit her mood better. There was a darkness settling inside of her heart after what she had done today. Turning Negan down after his beautiful proposal was terrible. Did she want to marry Negan? Of course she did. Negan was everything she could have asked for and more. He was gorgeous and he made her happy. A lot of people were never that lucky to find someone that made them feel so incredibly loved and joyous. Even in the worst of times, Negan was always good at making her feel good. Yet being at her family’s home made her realize that she didn’t think she deserved all of that. After years of trying to break away from the person that her family made her believe she was, she realized that it never left her to begin with.

Turning Negan down was the hardest thing she ever had done in her life. Technically they were already engaged before but telling him no made it clear that it wasn’t real to begin with. And she hated that. She hated hurting Negan because seeing him cry like he was when she left was one of the most devastating things she had ever felt in her life. What she had done was just her trying to do the right thing. Allowing him to eventually find happiness with someone better than her is what she wanted for him.

Lifting the bottle up again, she knew that it was the same one that she had shared with Negan at the Christmas party. She hadn’t drank any of it yet, but she felt like it was in her future. Getting drunk to numb the pain was beginning to sound like the only way out of her feelings and emotions right now. Sitting alone, drunk in her woes sounded much better than being sober. Of course the fact that she shared it with Negan previously had her mind lingering back to him and it hurt. Negan was an incredible man that deserved an incredible woman. Not someone like her. No matter how much she loved him, she knew it was for the best to let him go.

Observing the buildings surrounding her, she imagined that so many families were together. Getting ready to go to sleep to prepare for their big holiday. Christmas was often about joy and family. Yet here she was all alone to herself and heart broken. Right now she just wished the world would swallow her whole.

Since she had left the farm her cell phone had been off. After everything she put up with, she didn’t want to talk to anyone. Especially if it was someone from her family. Even though she loved Annette, Beth and a few others, she just knew that she couldn’t handle talking to them. So much happened that just made her feel like the worst person on the planet and it was for the best to just shut the rest of the world out.

Even thinking about everything that happened had her mind lingering to Glenn. If Glenn was really as upset about things as he claimed to be, he would have come home back to the apartment. He would have found a way. Yet, here she was. Alone. There were no doubts that Glenn was still at her family’s home likely starting a life with Maggie. Why wouldn’t he be? Love was mentioned several times there so it was clear he was in love with her older sister.

It wasn’t so much that he was in love with Maggie that upset her. It was the lack of remorse for it. There was no jealousy or really anger from it. To be fair, she never really loved Glenn. Glenn was not the man that she wanted to spend forever with. He was her friend. Probably her best friend. So, even his actions based on that alone were upsetting. Maybe he tried to call her? Maybe he didn’t. Regardless, the things he also said and did weren’t that of someone who truly cared for her either. So much time was wasted with her worrying about hurting Glenn’s feelings. Yet, the moment he found something better, Glenn eagerly jumped ship and didn’t care.

With everything going on, she had no doubt that Negan had called her. It shattered her to know that because he was trying his best. But she couldn’t face Negan or talk to him right now. It would just hurt too much. For both of them.

A soft knocking sound was heard. Originally, she thought it was just movement from another apartment until it repeated. That was definitely a knock at her door. Gazing back over her shoulder, Y/N let out a grunt. Maybe with the lights off, the person would take the hint that she wasn’t home and leave. At least she hoped they would. She wasn’t in a very talkative mood. But there it was again. Another knock. This time it was louder and determined for her to hear it. Slouching down further in the chair, she felt a lump developing in her throat. Answering that door was the last thing she wanted to do.

“Hello?” a familiar voice called out and amongst the silence. It made her heart skip a beat. Clutching tightly to the neck of the bottle, she sat forward in the chair and sighed. She knew that voice. Setting the bottle down next to the chair on the ground, she bit at her bottom lip and determined her next move. “I know you’re in there Y/N. I asked the doorman if you were here and he told me that you were. He’s the one that let me up here. So please open the door.”

“Fuck,” she scoffed hating that she was even debating not answering the door. Once the next knock was heard, she slowly stood from her seat. This was a case where she couldn’t not answer the door. Heading over toward the door, she was sluggish in the way that she moved. Depression had taken its toll on her. Probably her crying too. It had brought forth an exhaustion and weakness into her that she couldn’t describe. If she would have known what was good for her, she would have been in bed right now trying to sleep it off, but she wasn’t.  

“I hear you moving around in there, so please…just open the door,” the voice begged once more from the other side. Was she really making that much noise? Flicking the lights on, she heard another knock and shook her head.

“I’m coming,” she assured them with a sigh, finally getting to the door. Undoing the lock, she pulled the door open. Being met by the familiar set of hazel eyes had her clutching onto the knob and the doorframe at the same time releasing a long exhale deep from within her. “Beau? What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to talk to you,” Beau pulled the hood of his jacket down, his cheeks a rose color from the snowstorm that he had obviously been in. Tugging at the hat he was wearing, Beau shoved it into the pocket of his jacket. Slicking his hair back, Beau tried to straighten his dark hair that had gotten messed. Shifting on his feet, Beau seemed nervous at first before pushing his hands into his pockets. “Thank you for opening the door. I was wondering if you were going to ignore me.”

“I’d never ignore you,” she whispered, reaching out to brush her fingers in over Beau’s cheek to feel the coolness of his rosy cheeks against her touch. It had Beau’s long eyelashes coming to a close and she sighed. Brushing her fingers through Beau’s dark hair, she stepped out in the hallway to see that Beau was alone. “Is your father here?”

Upon her question, Beau’s hazel eyes grew wide and he cleared his throat uneasily, “About that…”

“Beau?” she tipped her head to the side realizing that he was avoiding the question.

“We were at home in the apartment, watching movies…” Beau began, throwing his hands up in the air when he spoke. “I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I got Erin to distract him. I told him I was going to go grab something from the kitchen and…I snuck out.”

“Beau! Your father must be worried sick about you,” she commented, grasping tightly to the doorknob. Mirroring his father’s expressions, Beau tipped his head from side to side and let out a long sigh.

“Not really,” Beau’s face scrunched up, his lips parting when he contemplated what she said. A dramatic expression flooded his young features, his eyebrows bouncing up. “Okay, that’s a lie. He was furious with me for taking off.”

“I can imagine,” she noted, folding her arms in front of her chest, resting her shoulder against the doorframe. “It’s hard to believe that he wouldn’t demand you to come home.”

“Listen, he called. A lot. He wanted to know where I was, but I wouldn’t tell him,” Beau explained to her, his words coming out almost in a whisper like he was afraid to admit this all to her. “I just told him that I was safe and that I would be home soon.”

Giving Beau a worried glance, she reached out to place her hand in over his shoulder. Stepping aside, she held her hand up in the air motioning Negan’s son into her apartment. Moving slowly, Beau stepped inside with her closing the door behind them. Leading him toward the kitchen, she placed her hand in over his shoulder motioning him toward the table. Pulling out a seat for him, she got Beau to sit down and he stared up at her with his big, hazel eyes.

“You’re freezing,” she commented, brushing her fingers in over the side of his face again. Shaking her head, she moved over toward the cupboard to pull out a mug. Setting it down on the counter, she went over to another part of the kitchen. Grabbing some items for hot chocolate, she immediately started to make him something warm. Glancing back at Beau, she noticed that his eyes were hooked on her watching her every movement. “I assume you are okay with hot chocolate?”

“Of course,” Beau whispered, placing his hands on top of the table.

“Do you want anything in your hot chocolate? Marshmallows? Whipped Cream? Peppermint? Sprinkles?” she asked, bracing her hand on the counter while she put together the hot chocolate for him in a pot on the stove. A smirk tugged at Beau’s features and he shrugged his shoulders. “What?”

“It’s nothing,” Beau shook his head, rubbing his hands together in attempts to get some warmth into them. “Surprise me.”

“Sure thing,” she went back into her cupboards to grab something else. “Why would you run away on your dad like that?”

“You have to ask?” Beau muttered, his eyes narrowing when she looked back at him. “He’s miserable Y/N. He’s doing his best to be there for us, as he always does, but I’m not stupid. We all go get a ring together for you and he comes home looking heart broken. It doesn’t take much for me to realize what happened.”

Hearing that drew a breath from her throat and she clutched tightly to the mug that she had grabbed for Beau, “I wanted to talk to you. I needed to talk to you,” Beau corrected himself with a sigh, shrugging his shoulders when he adjusted in the chair that he was in. “I knew that if I told him what I was doing, he wouldn’t let me go. He’d tell me to leave you alone. But I just…I couldn’t do that.”

“How did you even know where I lived?” she wondered, pouring the hot chocolate into the mug. Grabbing some whipped cream from the fridge, she put some on top before topping it off with chocolate sprinkles. Setting it down on the table before Beau had a small smile tugging at his lips when he looked to it. “I put some peppermint extract into it to make it more…Christmas like?”

“Thank you,” Beau accepted the mug, pulling it in closer to him on the table. Lifting it carefully, he took a small sip of the hot liquid. Lowering it made Y/N smirk when the whipped cream covered his top lip from his first sip. Grabbing a napkin for him, she slid it across the top of the table while she lowered down in the seat before him at the table. Cleaning his face off, Beau let out a hesitant laugh before stroking his fingers over the mug she gave him. “I found your address online. You can find pretty much anything on the internet if you know how to look.”

“Touché,” she agreed with him knowing that he was right. Beau took another cautious sip of the hot chocolate, getting comfortable in his seat. Once Beau set his mug down, he felt her hand sliding in over his and he lowered his stare. “You’re still freezing.”

“I’ll be okay,” Beau assured her hearing the worry in her voice. “I’ve got the hot chocolate to warm me up. I’ll just hold onto the cup.”

“You shouldn’t have come out here in the storm Beau,” she pointed out, feeling Beau’s fingers hooking with hers. “Is your father’s place even close to here?”

“Not really,” Beau was honest with her, thinking about how long it took him to get here. By the expression over her face, Beau knew that she was upset with his answer. “I had to do it Y/N. I needed to talk to you and it couldn’t wait.”

“How did you get here Beau?” she inquired, brushing his dark hair back behind his ear. Bringing the mug to his lips, Beau took a long sip of the hot chocolate that she made for him. It was obvious that he was trying to avoid the question. “Beau?”

“It’s complicated,” Beau whispered when he lowered the mug back down. There was an innocence in his eyes when he looked back to her.  

“You sound so much like your father,” she acknowledged, leaning back in her chair. An ache grew at the center of her chest thinking about how she had Negan’s son sitting with her in her apartment when he should have been home with his family.

“I got dad to talk to me about what happened with you Y/N. I know that you told him no when it came to marrying him,” Beau conceded to what he knew and it made her let out a saddened sound. “And I don’t understand why. You told my dad yes originally. The two of you were already engaged. I know you want to be with my dad. So why tell him no this time? Especially since you might be pregnant.”

“I’m not pregnant Beau,” she interrupted Beau’s thoughts noticing that he seemed confused by it. “Your dad and I really only were trying for two days.”

“That’s still two days,” Beau reminded her with a huff, “You don’t know if you are pregnant or not. But regardless, it’s still not answering my question. You said yes to marrying my dad. So much so that you two planned to have a baby together. So why suddenly have those emotions changed Y/N?”

“Because things have changed since that day Beau. That time in the woods wasn’t exactly official,” she thought of the first thing she could. But god. That sounded awful when she thought about it. A lump was growing in her throat the more she thought about it. With Beau’s hazel eyes on her, she didn’t exactly know what to say. “It’s adult stuff.”

“Come on,” Beau scoffed, his eyebrows furrowing showing that he hated that response. “I’m thirteen years old. I’m not a baby. I think I understand things more than most adults do.”

Beau reached or his mug to wrap his fingers back around it to warm himself up, “Don’t do that to me. You’ve always been honest with me. Don’t stop now.”

Hearing that took her breath away and she nodded, “Because I think your father deserves better than me. You saw what happened with my family when we were at the farm. It’s because of me everything happened. I can only imagine that the same thing will happen to your family if I’m in it. And I don’t want that to happen to your family. Sometimes if you love something, you have to let it go.”

“No, I don’t think that’s true,” Beau countered, his young features scrunching up after her answer. It surprised her that he was willing to shut her down that fast. “Anyone with eyes could see that all the drama came from your family. You were just doing your best in a situation that you were destined to fail at because the people you were fighting to get the love from were never willing to give it.”

Yeah, that last sentence was incredibly deep for a thirteen-year-old boy, but he wasn’t wrong, “Do you know what gaslighting is Y/N? because your family is a perfect example of it.”

“I…I know what gaslighting is, Beau,” she responded back with a frown, brushing her fingers over her forehead knowing that it was something that Negan had said a few times.

“Then how can you not see that is what your family did to you?” Beau pushed, sliding his chair in closer to her at the table. “I understand why you are feeling the way you do. It’s hard to have the person that is meant to love you treating you the way your father does. Abuse effects everyone differently and I’m trying to understand that, but you have to know that you are not the problem. You were never the problem. Deep down, you know that.”

Lowering her head, Y/N swallowed down hard and Beau leaned forward, “I think it scares you to be happy because you have no idea what it feels like. For the first time in your life, you knew what it was like to be happy with my dad. To not feel alone and I think that scared you because you have always been alone. You got used to it. You let the loneliness become part of you and you got scared. You let that voice inside of your head become your father. You let it tell you all the awful things that he did growing up and you decided to believe it. But that voice? It’s not real. You have to shut it out because you are not your father. You will never be him.”

Tears burned at her eyes hearing Negan’s thirteen-year-old getting emotional the more that he spoke to her, “How old are you again? Because you sure as hell don’t sound thirteen.”

“I had to grow up fast Y/N,” Beau explained, his raspy voice hitching with his eyes burning. “You think you’re a bad person. You think you don’t deserve happiness, but what was the first thing you did when I got here? You took me into your kitchen, sat me down and got me a hot chocolate to warm me up. Your first thought was to take care of me. It’s the most…mom coded thing that someone could do.”

“Beau,” she half smiled that he was going to bat for her, much like he always did since she met him. “I did what was right. Anybody would do the same thing.”

“No. No they wouldn’t,” Beau denied that thought, sliding his hand across the table to place it over hers in a supportive grasp. “Other than my dad, there is only one person in this world that would do what you just did for me and that was my mom.”

After talking about Lucille, Beau’s lips parted and he let out a tiny whimper that he clearly didn’t want to when his mom came to his mind, “I’ve experienced a lot of this world Y/N and I’ve never found someone I’ve connected with like I have you. We’re so much alike. You and I.”

“Beau, we’re so vastly different too,” she confessed and he let out a hesitant breath. Beau was so much purer than she ever thought she was.

“Yeah, because I was given a chance you never were,” Beau retorted with a frown recalling everything he knew about her family. “I’m a positive example of how things can be when people are depressed because I had a support system. I have a support system. Something you never did.”

It was amazing how a teenager understood her life so much more than most people did. A long exhale fell from her throat with Beau’s fingers curling tighter around hers, “If someone would have loved you the way you were meant to be loved when you were my age, you wouldn’t have had to feel this way. Why won’t you allow yourself the chance to finally be loved that way?”  

“Beau, I appreciate what you are doing here, but we need to call your dad. Do you have any idea what time it is?” she tried to avoid this whole thing, looking back over her shoulder to see the time. Getting up from the table, she reached for her phone that was plugged in on the counter. “We need to get you home.”

“I love you,” Beau stammered, pushing the seat back when he let out a whimpering sound. It made Y/N turn on her heel to stare out at him and he shrugged. “Not in the way that my dad loves you. That would be creepy. I love you in the way that…someone loves a mom. Or a potential mom. It wasn’t just my dad that fell in love with you. Because I love you too. And I think you feel the same way about me. Which is why it doesn’t make sense why you are doing this to yourself. Why you’re doing this to us.”

“Beau,” she frowned hearing him start to cry. Moving forward, she lowered down before him and knelt on her knees. Reaching out, she stroked her fingers in over the side of his face attempting to comfort him. “Of course I love you. How couldn’t I love you? You are the most amazing young man I’ve ever known.”

Hearing his cries continue, Y/N lifted up and felt his arms wrapping around her tightly to hug her. Hushing him, she stroked her fingers through his dark hair and felt her heart breaking, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. That is the one thing I wanted to avoid more than anything.”

“And you thought by taking the one person I’ve connected with the most since my mom passed away would be the way to do that?” Beau’s bottom lip tremored when he pulled back enough to stare out at her. “You didn’t just have my dad falling in love with you Y/N. I did too. And I don’t think it’s fair that you are letting your family take us away from you and you away from us. Because all of us are miserable Y/N.”

It broke her heart to hear that. What she was doing she thought was best for Negan and his family, but hearing how broken Beau was over everything hurt.

“I know you think you don’t belong with my dad…with us,” Beau started with a broken breath, “But I’m certain that my mother sent you to be with us. That you were meant to find my dad because…she knew that me and my dad…we were both broken. That we both needed someone like you in our lives.”

Motioning her to wait, Beau took out his wallet and stood from the table. Pulling out the drawing that Y/N had done for Beau had a breath catching in her throat seeing that he had kept it. When they talked in the past, he told her that he carried two notes with him always. One from his mother and another from his father. Seeing that she was added to the notes took her breath away. Grabbing one of those other notes from his wallet, Beau unfolded it, put it down on the table and pointed between both of them.

“To Beau, your heart shines brighter than the sun. Never stop being you because you are one in a million. You’re a shining star in the night sky,” Beau read what she had written to him with the drawing when they had spent time together that first time. Pointing to the note that was a little more withered, Beau shook his head and let out a whimpering breath. “My sweet Beau, your heart shines brighter than the sun. Never let that leave you because you are one in a million. You’re my shining star and never stop shining.”

Beau’s hand dropped at his side, the tears sliding down his face harder after he read both things to her. A shuddering breath fell from her throat after hearing Beau compare both things. Dramatically Beau pointed between both her drawing and the note from his mother, “If that’s not a fucking sign, I don’t know what is.”

Wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand, Beau stared out at Y/N and bit down on his bottom lip, “I know you’re not her. I know that. I’m smart enough to know that. I’m old enough to not be that stupid, but I think my mom is out there somewhere. Maybe she’s one of the stars out in there in the sky. I think she saw that I was broken. That dad was broken. And I think she found you and she brought us together. Even if it was in a way that you consider wrong, it happened for a reason. You were meant to find my dad. You were meant to find me.”

Shakily reaching her hand out, Y/N hooked her fingers with Beau’s and he instinctively grasped a tight hold of them, “I saw my mom die, Y/N. She died in my father’s arms holding onto my hand,” Beau thought back on the hardest moment of his life. “My father has always been the strongest man I’ve ever known. But that day? I watched him break down. I’ve never seen him cry like that. And he wouldn’t let go of her. It took a long time before he was finally willing to let her go,” Beau was sobbing and she didn’t know what she could do to make everything better other than to listen. “That night I watched the light in him disappear. My dad was broken hearted and there was no fixing it. It was gone. And it was gone from me too. But I tried to hide it the best I could. My mother asked me to watch over him before she died, so I did. I held it in. And I never saw that light return to him, until I saw him with you. Something I never thought I would see again with my father, I saw when he was with you.”

Not crying was impossible when Y/N looked down at the ground, “And you did it for me too. I felt like I finally had a mother again. That’s how I knew my mom had to have a hand in this. She knew you were hurting and you needed us just as much as we needed you,” Beau insisted, placing his other hand over Y/N’s too. “So if you love me, if you love my dad…how could you possibly think this is the best option Y/N? I don’t care what your family has told you. I don’t care what that voice in your head tells you because it’s wrong. We love you. And we both need you. So much.”

Instead of responding, Y/N moved forward to wrap Beau up in her arms feeling his tears soaking her shirt the longer than she held onto him, “I do love you Beau, very much. But I don’t know how your father would feel after I told him no to his proposal. I can only imagine how much pain I’ve put him through.”

“He’s head over heels in love with you,” Beau tipped his head back, allowing her to brush away his tears while she stared down at him. “The pain of not having you in his life is worse than you telling him no. I’m not trying to guilt you into doing what I want Y/N, I just need you to see how important you are. How important you are to my dad. How important you are to me.”

“I know baby,” she hushed him hating that he thought she may have even considered that. “I know you wouldn’t do that.”

“You do want to be with my dad, right?” Beau confirmed, drawing her to lean back and let out a shuddering breath. “Because you told him yes when he asked you to marry him the first time. I still think you want to marry him. I still think you love him and you want to be with him.”

“Of course I do, Beau,” she was truthful with her answer. Negan was everything she wanted and more. She just hadn’t felt like she was good enough for him. “I love your father more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I told you, the only place I’ve ever felt like I’ve belonged is with you and your dad.”

“Then come home with me. Tell him how you feel,” Beau suggested, shaking his head and squeezing her hands in his tighter. “I know that he will be accepting of everything because he loves you. I love you. Please?”

Right when she was about to answer, she heard the sound of a knock and Beau did his best to reach up to wipe at his face to get the tears away, “Beau?”

“There’s something else,” Beau announced motioning her to wait. A sudden rush of nervousness flooded his body and she couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. “I really hope you don’t get mad at me for this. You see, dad was really distracted today. Even though he was doing his best, I was able to get away to my room for a while and I called someone. I got them to come pick me up and they are the person that brought me here. They couldn’t find a parking spot, so I just hopped out when we got here and left them to find a spot to park. I wanted to talk to you first. Alone.”

Tipping her head to the side, Y/N watched Beau moving away from her and heading for the door to pull it open. There was a sinking feeling in her gut when she saw Hershel moving toward the entrance of the kitchen. Beau closed the door and moved around Hershel to return to Y/N. Lowering her head, she didn’t know how to respond to her father being there.

Hershel looked between the both of them, sliding his hands into his pockets. It was obvious that both Beau and Y/N had been crying and he wasn’t sure what to say.

“I take it I missed something big?” Hershel concluded as Beau moved in beside Y/N. Grabbing a hold of Y/N’s hand, Hershel knew that Beau was incredibly protective of his middle daughter. With a nod, Beau stood his ground almost declaring in his body language that he was there to protect her. After a minute, Y/N lifted her head, her eyes locking with her father’s. It seemed like Hershel wanted to say something, but he stopped. Pointing over toward Beau, Hershel cleared his throat and sighed loudly. “This young man loves you a lot. I hope you know that.”

“I do,” she spoke softly, standing up from the chair that she was in. Wrapping her arm around Beau’s shoulders, she pulled him in closer to her and gave him a tight squeeze. “And I love him too.”

“Good,” Hershel uttered, giving a firm nod. “It’s good that the both of you have each other.”

They stood silent for a moment. Hershel was motionless, his eyes dropping to the ground when he shifted slightly before them. Taking in a long, shallow breath Hershel nodded toward the living room that he saw in the distance, “Do you think that we can sit and talk for a minute?”

“Sure,” she didn’t know how to respond to things when Hershel moved from her kitchen into her living room. Beau grabbed his letters from the table that he had pulled out so he could put them back into his wallet. Leading Y/N toward the living room, Beau looked up at Y/N with tears still in his eyes. “Just hear him out. If he upsets you, I’ll kick him out myself.”

“Okay,” she faintly smiled, brushing her fingers through Beau’s hair and moving over toward the couch with Beau. Taking a seat, she realized that Beau sat close to her making sure to show her that he was still going to be her support system no matter what. That was never anything she questioned. Beau was always there for her and that was never going to change.

“This is a really nice view,” Hershel spoke, heading over toward the large window that looked over the city. With a nervous nod, Y/N wondered what her father was really doing there anyways. “You did really good for yourself Y/N.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, still having a hard time looking at Hershel. The only reason she wasn’t losing it was because of Beau. Obviously, this was something that was meaningful to Beau, so she was going to hear her father out for that reason alone. “What are you doing here Hershel?”

“Well, I was at home. There was a big family meeting going down when this young man called me,” Hershel explained pointing over to Beau who looked to Y/N with his big eyes. “He asked me not to talk and to listen to him. So I listened for once in my life. I listened to everything he had to say. It was a long conversation with some back and forth. We hung up. I spent some time alone in the kitchen and it didn’t take long for me to think about what he said. I called him back, I drove out here to the city and I picked him up. We drove here together, he took off while I parked and that’s pretty much it.”

“Not to be rude,” she started, her head tipping from side to side, “that just explains the steps of how you got here. Not why you’re here Hershel.”

Hershel’s expression showed that he was surprised that she called him out on that point, but it was true. Sure, it was a good lead up, but there had to be more of a reason why he was there.  

“I owe you some explanations,” Hershel began, heading over toward the seat that was across from Beau and Y/N. In his body language, it showed that he was uncomfortable and it was strange to see from her father. Usually, Hershel didn’t care about anything, but to see him uneasy was not a sight that she was used to. “And I’m going to do my best giving them to you,” Hershel tried to gather himself, hooking his fingers together. “I think you know some of this, but it’s important to things. When I was younger, my father was very abusive. I hated him. He was an alcoholic and it ruined our family. The second I could get away, I did. My father was a cold man. Always mocked me for having a love for animals, but I didn’t care. When I was gone, I became a veterinarian because it’s what I wanted. And hell I did it just to spite him. Kind of like you with your art.”

“Yeah,” Y/N breathed out, she knew this information. It was something she had only heard somewhat about, but it was something more so directed at Maggie. Hershel always let Maggie know that the reason he stopped drinking was for her.

“You and I were a lot alike when we were younger,” Hershel informed her, giving a shrug knowing that she would probably hate hearing that. “Only when we were younger though. We both had our fathers that were unbearable and we desperately wanted to get away. Prove to them that we could be what we wanted without judgement.”

It hurt being compared to her father, but he wasn’t wrong. From what he talked about when it came to his father, their pasts did sound very similar. Especially with them wanting to do what they loved and escaping so they could.

“When my father was dying on his death bed, I came back to that farm. I saw what he became and I vowed to never be like him,” Hershel thought back on his past, his words coming out shaken because he was visibly trying to hold himself together. “I had become an alcoholic in that time away from him. It was the best way I could deal with all the pain I felt because of him growing up. Hell, it was kind of in my blood to become an alcoholic. The day I saw him on his deathbed is the day that I vowed to stop drinking because I never wanted to be like him. Especially after I found out about Maggie. I didn’t want to have my family growing up the way that I did.”

A tremoring breath fell from her lips when she dropped her head down. That sounded very familiar to her, but from her own point of view and it hurt hearing that come from Hershel’s own mouth considering everything that Hershel put her through.  

“I thought I had the perfect life. I was married to Josephine, we had Maggie and everything felt right in the world until she got sick. When she got sick, it was the hardest thing I had ever had to experience in my life,” Hershel recalled back on his life, his eyes lifting to Y/N’s to show that he was emotional. “I had this little girl that I had to take care of and I knew that her mother was dying. And when she did? It broke me.”

Even though these were things that they knew growing up in their family, they were never things they really touched on. Hershel wasn’t always open with his emotions. In fact, he was rather cold when it came to him opening up. When it came to loving Maggie and Beth, he was mostly warm to them, but never when it came to getting deep about feelings.  

“I never thought I would fall in love again. And because of that, I fell. I was so close to drinking again because I remembered what it was like when I was younger. I remembered how it helped to ease the pain that I had when I thought about my past with my father,” Hershel declared, holding his hands out as if drawing together his thoughts from the past. “It was a while after Josephine had passed. I wasn’t doing good. I was a single father. Maggie was sad. I was failing in all the areas that I should have been thriving with, but it was hard. It was really hard. So one night, I went to a bar. Maggie was in bed and I left her alone. I should have never done that, but your sister was a deep sleeper when she was younger. I knew I’d be fine until morning…”

Hershel took a moment to stop and catch himself. Lowering his hand, Hershel rubbed it against his knee and raised his gaze. Both Beau and Y/N were listening to him intently. Neither one broke from him and it was strange that both of them were actually giving him a chance to explain things after everything that they had been through.

“That night was the night I met your mother,” Hershel explained to Y/N seeing her posture change once he finally mentioned her mother to her. “I hadn’t been to a bar in a very long time. So everyone there was a stranger for me. I was deep in my sorrows and I had gone to the bar. I took a seat and almost immediately I had spotted your mother. People were drawn to her. She was standing by this jukebox. There was a light on her and like I said, she was hard to miss. With her smile and her energy. Even the way the room was lit, it was like it almost brought the attention directly to her. But of course she was surrounded by other people. People were always drawn to your mother.”

Noticing that Y/N seemed to tense up, Beau squeezed his fingers around hers and gave her a small nudge. This was everything that she wanted and more growing up, it was just hard hearing it for the first time.

“I was about to drink. The bartender put it right in front of me and when I was about to take my first sip, someone fell right on top of me,” Hershel chuckled, shaking his head while deep in recollection of his memories. “The drink spilled all over me and the person who fell on me was your mother. You see, your mother was wearing a new dress that day and she tripped over it. Even though it was her that fell, she ripped me a new one for spilling that drink all over the both of us. She was a spitfire.”

There was something that changed in Hershel’s features when he sighed loudly and reached up to rub at the back of his neck, “We bickered back and forth. But God, she was so beautiful just standing there lecturing me. I thought she was my guardian angel. A sign sent from God to show me that I wasn’t supposed to have that drink. I tried telling her that, but she didn’t want to listen to me. I guess she was on a date that was going horrible at the time and she just wanted to get the hell out of there. I followed her out of that bar like a lost puppy, just trying to get her to listen to me.”

“And she fell for it?” she wondered watching the smile tug at Hershel’s lips.

“Nope, she told me to screw off,” Hershel declared with another laugh, his face having a light shade of pink flooding into it. “Before she did that, I told her everything. I told her about my past, why I was there and how I thought she was my guardian angel. Of course doing that meant I told her about my alcoholism and she wanted nothing to do with me. Why would she? I had a lot of baggage in my life and someone like her didn’t need all of that. I thought I would never see her again after that night. Maybe she was just put there to stop me from having that drink. So I went home back to Maggie and made sure to make a promise to myself that I would never drink again. I even threw away the clothes so Maggie wouldn’t be able to smell that.”

There was a silence between them when Hershel looked down at the ground again, “At that time I was very careful with your sister. See, Maggie was like Beau. She lost her mother too. She was younger than Beau, but it did something to her. So I was always protective of her,” Hershel claimed, lifting his gaze to both Beau and Y/N. “After Josephine died, Maggie just wasn’t…right. I think we all know that your sister is, I don’t know the word. A bit reckless maybe?”

“Hershel,” Beau muttered his name trying to get him to focus on what he wanted him to talk about since it seemed like Hershel was getting distracted.

“I’m getting there son,” Hershel assured Beau with a frown, holding his hands up to motion him to wait. While they agreed that losing her mother was hard for Maggie and they understood him being protective of her, it was getting away from the point he was really there for. “I took your sister to a fair that was in town one night. While we were there, we ran into your mother again. She was there with her godson and she was so good to your sister. I was smitten with her almost immediately. I knew when I saw her interacting with Maggie that I had to have her, so I asked her out on a date. She reluctantly agreed, but she was cautious. I think the only reason she said yes to me was that she fell in love with Maggie and liked the way that I was with her.”

Maggie was young, so it was likely that she never remembered much about her mother, but God Y/N wished that she would have. It would have been nice hearing things about her mother from Maggie because it sounded like Maggie actually had gotten to experience love, real love from her mother. If even for a short time.

“We went on our first date and I proclaimed my love for her at the end of the night. I asked her to marry me almost immediately. It was there. That special thing that I had with Josephine. I felt it. I know she did too, but she knew about my past. I was honest with her from the start and no matter how many times I asked her to marry me, she wouldn’t,” Hershel continued on with his story, biting at his bottom lip when he paused to think things out. “But it didn’t stop us from being together. She fought it, but you can’t stop real love. Can you?”

A tiny smirk tugged at Y/N’s lips hearing him say that as he continued, “Eventually she got pregnant with you and she was scared. She had lost her parents a long time ago and she didn’t have a lot of family, but I promised I would take care of her. That I loved her and I would always take care of her,” Hershel’s eyes started to tear over and, in that moment, she could actually sense the pain in her father’s tone. “God she was so excited to have you. Always writing down names in books that she wanted if you were a boy or girl. And when she went into labor, she finally agreed to marrying me. I was so happy. I felt like the luckiest man alive. I was in love with someone perfect. She really was perfect. I had a beautiful daughter and a beautiful new baby girl. I couldn’t have been happier.”

This story was not the one that she was used to. It was completely different and hearing it for the first time had chills running down her spine. Goosebumps covered her arms and she didn’t know if she should say something or just keep listening.

“We brought you home and everything was perfect up until you were about nine months old,” Hershel’s voice got raspier, his body becoming stiffer when the worst part of his memories returned to him. “Your mother started feeling run down. She never sat still that woman. Always on the run, always helping other people. I just thought she wasn’t getting enough sleep. And then she went to the doctors…”

It was then she heard the hurt sound escape Hershel’s throat and he lowered his head down, “your mother was sick. With the same…exact…thing that kill Maggie’s mother. There was nothing that could be done. We couldn’t stop it from happening. How does that happen? Two women in a row getting sick from the same thing? It didn’t make sense. I wanted to believe that a miracle would happen because it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that I found love again and she was going…she was going to leave me. Just like Josephine.”

Leaning back on the couch, Y/N felt her throat tightening hearing what it was that finally did kill her mother in the end.

“This time it was fast. Not like Josephine. At least with Maggie, she got time to be with her mother. The sickness, it took your mother so fast. She was one of the strongest people I knew and she was always going, but it took her so fast. You were so young. The last thing she made me do was promise to take care of you,” Hershel thought back on Y/N’s mother showing that he was truly shaken up by the idea of losing her. “You don’t understand. I loved her, so much. I fell so hard. I thought I had found two soulmates in my life. And then the world took her away from me. I was broken. So broken,” Hershel tried to explain, pulling himself to the edge of the seat so he could look more directly at Y/N. “Even though I said I never would, I started drinking again.”

A sense of shock flooded her veins. Hershel always insisted that he stayed away from alcohol once he learned about Maggie, but to hear that he had lost his way in the time after her mother passed away had really shaken her up.

“I had two little girls at home waiting for me. The thought of her destroyed me. It broke me in two. I realized that the problem had to be me. I was poison. How could the two women that I fell in love with die of the same exact thing?” Hershel emphasized his words, tears sliding down his face when the two women he lost were remembered. And he wasn’t wrong. That was incredibly bad luck. “Then I started thinking, if I would have never approached your mother, maybe she would be still alive. Maybe she would still be here if she didn’t get with me.”

Beau’s arm hooked tighter around Y/N’s when he could see that she was getting more upset listening to her father talk about her mother. Looking to Beau, she felt her throat tensing up and Beau laid his head on her shoulder.

“I was drowning and no one was there to take care of my babies. I had a friend tell me it was time to wake up, so I had to do the one thing that would keep me alive for the two of you. And that was erase the memory of her. It was the only thing I thought I could do to help carry on. I tried setting everything on fire that reminded me of her, but I couldn’t do it. I loved her too much. Instead, I went up to the attic and I put those things there for years. Even if I wrote her off, she was still there in the back of my mind,” Hershel pointed toward Beau since he was the one that found the things that Y/N had approached Hershel about. It wasn’t the best excuse, but it made sense in how closed off from emotions her father was. Seeing her father crying was new for her. It was rare and it was a sight she never thought she would see. Especially when it came to her mother. “It was the only way to keep myself from falling again. I was so afraid of getting too close to someone because of how they always ended up sick. Annette I just got lucky with. When I was failing, she was there to pick up the pieces and take care of you girls. She’s put up with my shit for so long.”

Tears still lingered in her eyes when Hershel frowned, “I know I’ve not been a good father to you. You look so much like her Y/N. It hurts looking at you because I’m reminded all the time of the love that I lost. The woman that saved me…the woman that died because of me.”

“You didn’t make her sick,” Y/N interrupted her father knowing that if she died from the same thing that Josephine died from, there was nothing that he could have done to cause it. “That was just really bad, unfortunate luck, but it wasn’t your fault.”

“Isn’t it though? How does that happen?” Hershel looked to Y/N for an answer, her lips parting, but she had nothing more to say. Hell, if it was her in his position, she would have thought the same thing. That it was her fault. She just knew that she would have never taken it out on her child like Hershel did. “I thought I would lose you girls. I thought I would lose Annette. I know I’m poison. I’m no good. I wanted to so desperately be what my father wasn’t and I was so blind because my pain drew me to become just like him in many ways for you. I always knew you were going to leave me. You were so much like your mother. So independent. And it just made me cold. You looked like her, you acted like her and I just couldn’t handle it. That’s no excuse. I know it’s not, but I was so afraid that you were going to leave me that I broke myself off from you. It was wrong. I know that. I just did what I thought was the best way to keep myself from being my father and it’s not what I should have done. I should have let your mother live on through me and you. Instead, I erased her because I was scared. Scared that I would break down and leave you girls with nothing. So I made the wrong choice. It was very wrong, but you saw those photos.”

“I did,” she looked to the booklet that was sitting on the table in the distance and she agreed with him, she did look like her mother. Hershel was crying and Y/N was doing her best to be strong even though everything hurt to hear. “Thank you for telling me.”

“If there is such a thing as an afterlife, your mother is going to kick my ass when I finally meet my end,” Hershel proclaimed with a frown, reaching to wipe at his face. “I don’t expect you to ever forgive me Y/N. After this long, I should have been able to man up and be honest with you. I just convinced myself that if I allowed myself the time to grieve, I would become what I was so scared of being all over again. Just to make the pain stop. Because every time I think of your mother, I feel that pain…”

Hershel raised his hand up to place it over the center of his chest, his bottom lip quivering showing that he was emotional in the moment, “So I let you believe the lies I told. I even wanted to believe them myself so I didn’t have to face that pain again. It’s no excuse, but I am so very sorry. I know you won’t believe me, but I do love you. I just didn’t want what happened to your mother to happen to you. When we fought and you left…when you never came back, I just shut down that part of me like I did your mother. Instead of facing my feelings and taking on the pain, I was so cold to everything. I was just afraid of being hurt, so when the idea of pain reoccurred, I just tried to erase everything. And it was the wrong decision. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can’t. You were the last bit I had left of your mother and I lost you. This time it was completely my own fault.”

“Dad,” she breathed out watching when he stood up and moved before her. Hershel lowered down, reaching out to shakily cup her face in his hands. A loud exhale fell from her throat because she was not used to this kind of affection from the man knelt down before her.

“Your mother would be very proud of the person that you became. You’re none of the things that I’ve said. I’m just a mean old man that is angry that you left me and never looked back. I just never realized it was all my fault that it happened,” Hershel declared, his own words coming out shaken while he spoke to her. “I am so sorry. I know the mistake is mine and mine alone. I’m proud of who you are and what you have done. I should have been there every step of the way encouraging you and helping you instead of shutting down like I did.”

At this point, she was a mess when Hershel moved in to wrap his arms around her to hug her. It was the first time in her life she had ever heard him say something like that to her and she knew it was a big deal because of everything that happened, “I don’t want you gone from my life. I want you in my life because you are my daughter and I should have been showing you the love you deserved your whole life. I am so sorry that I didn’t.”

Forgiving him would be hard because of all the pain she went through her whole life, but this was a start. She just needed to know that he really meant it.

Pulling back, Hershel brushed her hair behind her ear and frowned, “Then this boy calls me and tells me that you turned his father down to a marriage proposal because you are torturing yourself over me,” Hershel recalled what had happened with Beau during their conversation, “If there is one thing I can tell you honey, it’s not to let that happen. I may not like Negan’s approach, but the things he said to me that day when he was upset with me in the attic, it’s exactly what I would want a man to say if he loved my daughter. That Negan loves you and if you learned anything from what I told you today, it’s that you can’t waste a minute if you truly love someone. Your mother was so scared about marrying me that we never did it and I regret every minute of it. I lost the woman I loved twice, don’t give up real love. Not when it’s there right in front of you.”

Looking to Beau, Y/N could see that his eyes were still damp from the crying that they had done and he was emotional with her being upset as well.

“What I’ve seen from both this boy and Negan is real love. You don’t always get that in life,” Hershel suggested with a shake of his head. “So please don’t make a mistake that will leave you broken hearted because of the words of this miserable old man that has done nothing but make mistakes his whole life. If you love that man, really love him, don’t let happiness slip through your fingers. Because if you mean what you said, that he’s the only person that makes you feel like you belong, then that’s the man that is for you. That’s who you are supposed to be with.”

A tense laugh fell from her throat. That took a lot out of Hershel. She was sure of that since Hershel and Negan had butted heads more than a few times. But with Hershel even telling her not to let that slip through her fingers, she knew that it was a big deal.

With a nod, Y/N looked between both Beau and Hershel before letting out a shuddering breath, “Are you willing to give us a ride?”

“Of course I am,” Hershel leaned forward to press a loving kiss against Y/N’s temple. Once he stepped back, both Beau and Y/N stood to their feet, but he motioned them to stop before they could get ready to leave. “Although, you’re going to have to wait a minute because I have no idea where I parked and I need to find the car first.”

“We’ll help you,” she responded, hooking her fingers with Beau so she could lead him toward the kitchen to grab her things.

As they were all about to head out, Y/N called out to Hershel and he stopped to look back at her. Heading over to him, she wrapped her arms around him to give him a hug. At first, he didn’t know how to respond, but after a moment he wrapped his arms around her. It was a firm hug, one that she had needed to have for a very long time from her father.

“Thank you for telling me what you did. If you really mean what you say, I’d like to spend more time with you and learn more about my mother,” she admitted with Hershel squeezing his arms around her tighter. "Because from what you say about her, I think she’d want me to forgive you and I’m willing to. As long as you put in the work too.”

“I will,” Hershel assured her, leaning back enough to stroke his fingers in over the side of her face. “I promise.”

----

Shifting uneasily on the couch, Negan looked to his watch to see the time. When Beau assured him that he would be coming home, Negan thought immediately. So the fact that it was taking this long for Beau to return was really making Negan panic. Beau had sent him multiple texts assuring Negan he was safe, but it was scaring the hell out of Negan. They had been watching Christmas movies when Beau had taken off and he still was with Erin. Well, Erin had fallen asleep in his lap while they stayed up waiting for Beau. There was no way that he would go to bed until his son was safely home.

Letting out a long sigh, Negan slid his hand into his pocket to pull out the jewelry box that was still there. Pushing it open with his thumb, Negan stared out at the ring and felt his chest aching at the sight of it. Earlier he thought he would have been spending his Christmas Eve with his children and Y/N. After she turned him down, it broke his heart, but he was doing his best to still show up for his children for Christmas since they were really what Christmas was about anyways.

Hearing the sound of the elevator ding, Negan turned his head back to look for Beau. When Beau didn’t walk into the room, he let out a small grunt. Adjusting Erin carefully, Negan moved his daughter so that she was sleeping comfortable on the couch. Cautiously getting up, Negan moved quietly to make sure that she stayed asleep before heading for the hallway that led to the elevator.

When he was met with an empty hallway, Negan’s head tipped to the side and he dropped his arms down at his side. The sound the elevator made was that it did when someone was returning to the level his apartment was on.

“Beau?” Negan called out to his son, worried when there was no response on the other side. Sighing loudly, Negan assumed that it was probably because Beau was moving slow, worried about his father getting upset with him. “You don’t have to hide Beau. I’m not mad at you, I’m just relieved that you are home. I promise. So why don’t you just come give me a hug and we can all go to bed. We can talk about whatever you did in the morning after we open gifts.”

A loud exhale fell from Negan’s throat when Y/N stepped out into the hallway and he felt his heart skip a beat, “Well shit. I was about to ask you not to go hard on him, but you have to go being the good father again. Don’t you?”

Speechless, Negan didn’t know what to say when she stepped forward in the hallway. Undoubtedly, the first thing he wanted to do was go up to her and wrap his arms around her, but after everything, he didn’t even know if that would be appropriate. “Beau was with you?”

“He was,” she answered with a frown, holding her hand out. Stepping forward, Beau accepted her hand and moved in beside her. There was a rosy color to Beau’s cheeks and he almost looked worried with how his father would respond to everything. “Beau showed up at my apartment and we had a good talk. Where he opened my eyes up to a lot of things. A lot of important things.”

“Oh yeah?” Negan’s eyebrow arched in curiosity when Beau rest his head in against her shoulder. Whatever their conversation was, it had no doubt an effect on the bond between his son and Y/N. “What kinds of things did you realize?”

“That I’m head over heels in love with you, him and Erin,” she explained stammering through her words, bringing Beau’s hand up to press a kiss over the back of his hand. Giving Beau a wink, she released his hand and stepped closer to Negan. The expression over Negan’s face was everything that she needed to see. Hearing that she still loved him drew him to let out a shuddering breath of relief. “Beau made me realize that it didn’t matter what someone said to me or what that voice inside my head tells me because it’s wrong.”

“He’s right,” Negan responded with a weak smile. “You are so much better than you really give yourself credit for.”

“And it’s because of the two of you that I see it,” she was close enough to Negan to draw him to let out a tremoring exhale. “Beau also made me realize that there was something in this world that brought us together. We were meant to find one another and be together.”

“Yeah?” Negan’s voice was broken, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat when he felt his eyes burning over.

“Yeah,” she answered, stepping before Negan who was frozen where he was standing. Lowering his head, Negan saw the back of her hand pressing in against his and he bit down on his bottom lip. “I’m so sorry I did what I did with running away. Your son is right about me. I got scared. I’ve never felt happiness like I do when I’m with you and your children. I was afraid that I would lose you or make life worse for you so I pushed you away. But you are the first person in this world that makes me feel like I’m not alone Negan. Like I’m actually special and I don’t want to lose that.”

Holding her hand out, she saw Negan look down at it, his lips parting and his bottom lip tremoring, “I want to be with you and your family Negan. I love you. I love everything about you. I love your smile. I love your personality, even when you are pissing people off. I love how good of a father you are. I love how much you love me. I just love you…”

“I love you too,” Negan whispered, accepting her hand, squeezing it firmly in his. Sweeping his thumb over the back of her hand, he could see that his son was watching on with awe in his eyes.

“You’re not wrong Negan, being separated from you hurts and I don’t think I would survive without you,” she repeated some of the things he had said to her in the past drawing a tiny smile from him. Lowering down onto one knee had a confused expression flooding in over Negan’s features. Digging into her pocket, she pulled out the ring pop that Negan had given her that night on the trail. A muted laugh fell from his throat when he saw it. “I’ve wasted enough of my life on things Negan. I need you. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The love from both you and your son saved me when I didn’t even realize that I needed saving. I’ve never felt more alive than I do when I’m with all of you. So would you do me the honors of being my husband? Will you marry me Negan?”

“What do you think?” Negan scoffed, watching her smile when he nodded his head about. “Yes. Fucking of course I will.”

Sliding the ring pop up his finger as best as she could, they both laughed when it got stuck about a third of the way up. Pulling her up to him, Negan wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in against his chest. Bringing their lips together, Negan drew out the kiss and hummed against her lips before they separated.

“You stole my move,” Negan lifted his hand to stare out at the ring pop that she had proposed to him with.  

“It was a good one,” she responded, nuzzling her nose in against his. Slipping his hand down, Negan managed to grab the jewelry box from his pocket. Opening it up, he grabbed the engagement ring he had bought for her and raised her left hand up. Sliding it down her finger, Negan stared down at it for a minute before lowering his head to press a kiss over the back of her hand. “I’m sorry for saying no earlier. I just wasn’t thinking with a clear mind. But now I know. I love you so much and I can’t be without you.”

Instead of responding, Negan brought her into another loving hug that had him nuzzling his nose in against the side of her neck, “you don’t have to apologize to me Y/N. I love you and I was going to wait for you as long as I had to because I knew that we were meant to be together. I love you so fucking much and I would have never given up.”

“I know,” she pulled back enough to stroke over the side of his face in a tender sweep. “Are you going to be okay with the fact that I’m the one that asked you to marry me?”

“Well, technically I asked first, well, twice, but…” Negan teased with a wrinkle of his nose, stealing another quick kiss from her. “I’m okay with telling people that you were the one to propose. Whatever makes you the happiest, makes me the happiest.”

The sound of something knocking over was heard and it drew Negan to lift his head to see Beau standing at the edge of the kitchen. Giving a half wave, Beau smiled uneasily before shifting on his feet.   

“So I owe this to my son?” Negan wondered, squeezing his arms tighter around Y/N who eagerly accepted the gesture.

“You do,” she acknowledged that this was all because of Beau that she was here right now.

“Come here,” Negan ordered, wiggling his finger out at Beau who gave a big smile. Nodding, Beau moved forward swiftly, eager to accept the group hug from the both of them. “Thank you, buddy. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you.”  

“He always knows what to say,” Y/N informed Negan with a weak smile, pulling back enough so that she could press her hand in over the side of Beau’s face. “I’ve never met someone with a bigger heart than Beau.”

“My beautiful, sweet boy,” Negan brushed his fingers through Beau’s hair noticing that Beau’s eyes were tearing over. “I love you. So much.”

“I love you too,” Beau whispered dropping his head down to cuddle it in over Negan’s shoulder. “I just want all of us to be happy. And I knew that the only way for all of us to be happy…was to be together.”

Taking that moment to cherish the two in his arms, Negan closed his eyes and squeezed them close. Even though this didn’t turn out exactly the way that he thought it would, this was the best outcome that he could have wished for after everything that occurred. They were together and that’s what counted most.  

“How in the world did you get all the way out to her house?” Negan blurt out, pulling back and interrogating his son, surprised that Beau was able to pull off what he did. “I know you hate the subway and you wouldn’t get into a cab…”  

Someone cleared their throat making Negan lift his head to see that Hershel was in his hallway with his hands behind his back alerting Negan that it was him that Beau was with, “Well shit. You don’t have a shotgun with you. Do you?”

“Oh, no,” Hershel pulled his hands forward to show that they were empty. “And no more shotguns. Unless you plan to break her heart. Then, I might have to reconsider on the shotguns. I am sorry for that.”

“I don’t plan on breaking her heart,” Negan snickered, leaning down to nuzzle his nose in against the side of Y/N’s neck. “So I think we’re going to be good Hersh.”

“I may have called him and talked to him while Erin had you distracted. I convinced him to come down here to talk to Y/N so she could finally know about her mother,” Beau educated his father on what happened and what he missed. Surprised, Negan looked to Y/N who simply gave him a nod. “They are willing to work on things together.”

“Really?” Negan was surprised to hear that considering everything that happened.

“Really,” she informed Negan with a loud swallow. “We will talk about things tonight.”

“Are we all better now?” Erin’s tired voice was heard and they looked to see that she was standing in the doorway of the kitchen staring out at them with her big, tired, green eyes. Her polar bear stuffed animal was under her arm and she looked like she was ready to pass out. Waving Erin forward, Negan picked her up in his free arm pulling her in close so they could all be together.  

“Much better,” Negan peppered kisses against the side of Erin’s face.  

“Well, then…what are we still doing up?” Erin asked, pointing back toward the Christmas tree. “If we don’t go to sleep Santa won’t come. You know that.”

“You know what? She’s right,” Negan agreed with Erin, looking beyond them to Hershel. “I have a guest room Hersh. What do you say? You can stay with us until morning and then you can leave in the morning after Santa has come. I think with all the snow it would be a good idea for you to stay here for the night.”

“Are you sure?” Hershel confirmed and Negan gave him a slow nod.

“We’ll set you up in a minute,” Negan assured him, lowering in to press his forehead against Y/N’s. Having both of his children and Y/N in his arms was everything to him. Especially now after everything they had been through. “This is the best Christmas gift I could have ever asked for. With you, Erin and Beau. I couldn’t picture anything better than being with the things I love the most in this world.”

“I’m sorry the present came a little late,” Y/N hummed against his lips, stealing another quick kiss from them.

“Better late than never,” he whispered with a smile, nuzzling his nose in against hers. “I have a whole life to look forward to with you and I don’t plan on wasting a single second of it.”  

----

ONE YEAR LATER

“Is dinner almost ready babe?” Y/N called out from where she was before the Christmas tree with Beau and Erin putting the presents under the tree. Looking to her watch, she stole another quick glance at the time before sighing. “I think Maggie said she would be here with Glenn and little Hershel in less than a half hour. My parents and the others will be a little bit later.”

“Almost,” Negan called out from the kitchen getting her attention back on him to see that he was standing in the doorway with their three-month-old son in his arms. “Felix and I are doing our best to get everything done, but daddy needed to take a break to feed him because he got hungry.”

“Aren’t we all?” Erin questioned with a small laugh, gazing upon the presents that were before her. “I’m glad everyone is coming here this year just for dinner. Last year was nice, but home is so much more comfortable than being at the farm all that time.”  

“You’re not wrong and we’re lucky they are going home after dinner,” Beau piped in with a tiny snicker getting up from the floor. Heading over toward Negan, Beau grabbed Felix and held him closely to his chest. “Unlike last year where we had to spend days with everyone, at the end of tonight we get to kick all of them out of our apartment.”

“What are you trying to say?” Y/N smirked drawing Beau’s eyebrows to bounce up before he chuckled and started humming something to his little brother who was cooing out.  

“I’m saying I think we’re all going to be happier when it’s just us at the end of the night together on Christmas,” Beau answered as he made a silly face down at Felix who was staring up at him behind heavy eyelids. “I know you are getting close to your family again, but it’s still nice to have them leave. We have Christmas Eve with your family, they leave and then Christmas is for us. I think that will be nice. Don’t you?”

“I think Christmas alone with all of us will be wonderful,” she agreed with Beau, letting out an amused sound before pressing a kiss to his temple.

“He’s not wrong you know, it’s nice getting people to leave at the end of the day,” Negan commented when they all headed into the kitchen. Negan helped Erin into her seat where she stole one of the sugar cookies that they all had made together earlier. “I like when it’s just all of us together.”

“That’s my favorite too,” Y/N hummed, stepping forward to draw her finger down over the center of Negan’s chest. Tipping up on her toes, she brought their lips together which had Beau letting out an overwhelmed sound.

“We’ll be quick,” Negan promised his son with a wrinkle of his nose, hooking his arms loosely around Y/N’s hips. “It’s interesting how I predicted our future almost a year ago. Married with a young baby…”

“Anyone could have predicted the baby with how the two of you are,” Beau reminded them moving forward to hand Felix to Negan again carefully. Once he had Felix in his arms again, Negan headed over toward where Erin was sitting so that she could see her little brother. “I have to get the food out of the oven.”

“Hey,” Y/N called out motioning both Erin and Beau in so they could all do a group hug. “I love you all so much. I hope you know that.”

“And we love you too,” Negan hummed, pressing a lingering kiss over her cheek, enjoying the way that their little family still continued to love one another. “And we always will.”

----

Tags: @slutlanna976 @fuckthis-and-fuckthat @jennydehavilland @de-gabyconamor @ibelongtonegan @smallsadjellyfish @labyrinthofheartagrams  @msjamesmarch @thebeautysurrounds @hotfornegan @redmercysugar @caprithebunny @tuttifuckinfruitty @emoryhemsworth @a-girl-interupted @akumune @stoneyggirl2 @xsarcasticwriterx @haleygreen23 @xhannahbananax03 @sanctuaryforthelost @burningredaffair @killaweiser @dead-of-niight @ayumi-wolf @hollyismentallyillhelp @promiscuousbarnes​ @tone-stark @lanadelnegan @flippittygibbitts @stickyhuesos @dilfsandmartinis

[ganondoodle]

im pretty sure i mentioned all these things before but its too late to start drawing anything and each time i see someone talk about totk i just get sad and frustrated again

literally by FAR the biggest problem about totk is that it REFUSES to connect to botw in any way beyond reusing the same map and character models, and even taking the things botw had established and ruin them entirely

ancient hero? BAM weird sonau dog thing that remains completely unexplained and out of nowhere eight heroine myster- BAM just some guy long gone sonau peopl- BAM here they are and they have zero connection to the ones of botw mystical dragons gracing the skies with their presence- BAM probably some dude who ate a magic pebble once strange mystical nature god you could rarely encounter in one specific spot and the area was made to feel utteraly unsettling but also divine- BAM now hes everywhere and only serves you as a shorthand for man pointing at cave the strange energy all shiekah tech was powered with with certain locations being ones where alot of it was concentrated including beneath hyrule castle clearly stating that somethings up with that- welp theres evil guy donw there but he has zero connection to all that lol

the whole shiekah tech thing, i just- WHY???? LIKE THAT??? there was so much stuff in botw that seemed deliberately placed that there IS more to it and now it all vanished and nothing of that mattered??? i saw a video of someone comparing certain places directly and on some where towers literally broke away tons of debris where just like .. sanded back down like nothing ever happened???; the fuking mechanism of how the towers and shrines and the pillars around the castle worked AND WHAT THE BOTW BOSS ARENA WAS ACTUALLY FOR?? its all gone and replaced with dirt; tHE ANCIENT FUCKING FURNANCES UTTERLY GONE AND REPLACED WITH ROCKS HUH???? so nothing of all that talk about their mystery and mechanism mattered???? the luminous stoens and its connection to spirits and how concentrated spiritual energy might have been what powered the tech- like you could connect things, and they made SENSE, so much sense that that seemed like it was intentionally setting up- only for it all to be just GONE?? to literally say lol it all vanished and that we shouldnt worry about it- like what the FUCK (and it also AGAIN doesnt make sense in itself bc WE SEE GUARDIAN PARTS in the towers, and some parts of them too are made of clearly shiekah tech stuff so it cant all have vanished- all their mystery doesnt matter bc idk it just works i guess lol and its not even called shiekah tech at any point either its just there and also not lol-)

(and even the smaller things like .. where the fuck does link live if everyone treats him like a goddamn stranger in the town you had to buy a house in botw for it to not be demolished and now that house is there but its not yours and noone knows you??? sth i personalyl found strange too that dumsda, the guy you help build an entire town, taburasa, had a very specific talking quirk i loved, and its all just gone in totk too, he talks like any other person all of the sudden

also at the end of botw finally being reunited with zelda and giving you the taste of being in the game WITH her at the same time in the intro to totk- WOOP away she goes! shes your pretty prize at the end and nothing more, what a way to disrespect her and her character..)

imagine if majoras mask didnt have the opening like it has and it otherwise stayed the same and they tried to tell you that its a direct sequel happening exactly where ocarina of time happened in the same world, zelda who?? ganondorf who??? things seem weird and off? lol dont worry about that :)) that would be weird and not make any sense at all now would it??

... sorry going on another rant again, ill just never be able to accept everything from botw didnt actually matter, and despite what some people might say, its pretty hard to ignore totk bc i LOVE botw, and as much as i hate it, they are connected in canon, even if it makes no sense

[wolfegoddess]

Tw: DARK FIC, grief, hair loss, suicidal thoughts, suicide, angst, nothing but sad feels.

WC:1033

Please don't read this if you are uncomfortable with these topics or they will trigger you. There are lots of other amazing stories out here you can check out instead and your mental health is important!

I blame my friends for telling me about the brought back wrong au.

AO3 link

Law couldn't bear to be without you but you weren't you anymore. Just a broken shell in a decaying body. He couldn't help the choked out sob that broke free as he ran his trembling digits through your hair only to find a handful of it in his hand. You deserved better than this. Better than being forced to decay just because he didn't want to lose you. For a moment he contemplated trying to use the true power of his devil fruit to give you eternal life at the cost of his own but he knew you'd probably throw yourself to sea if you came back and he was dead.

If it even worked.

Though, would it truly be so terrible? To be dead alongside you? To take your hand in his once more in whatever journey lies beyond this life? Law didn't even feel alive anymore without you by his side. The others would be heartbroken but they'd move on, find another crew or just keep on the journey themselves.

Law glanced out over the cliff he was sitting with you on, the polar tang resembled an ant with how far away it was down the beach. Would they see him jump with you? Would they hate him for leaving? He wouldn't blame them.

He hoped they wouldn't.

His gaze fell to your face, searching for any sign you were there yet the once familiar warmth in your gaze was dull and unblinking. The only sign you were even alive was the slow and Shakey rise and fall of your pale blue and purple chest. You had lost so much weight yet never once did your stomach growl for sustanance. Law bit his bottom lip until he tasted blood, trying his best to hold himself together. After a few moments he began to speak to you even though he knew you'd never respond.

"You know, I was trying my best to avoid you when I first let you join the crew..You were just so pure and different then the others and myself and it scared me how easily my heart soared the first time you smiled at me once you stepped on the polar tangs deck. The way you always took care of everyone and took on the chores nobody else wanted to do made me so angry. I could tell you were just trying to be helpful but I wanted you to be more selfish. It felt like you didn't think you belonged."

Law stopped for a moment to run a hand down your cold cheek, thumb gently tracing the shape of your nose before it moved down to trace your chapped lips. He knew if you could see him now you'd probably cry yourself. Law hadn't been sleeping much at all. His eyes were almost constantly bloodshot from crying and his eye bags were darker then they'd ever been. His once toned body was nearly skin and bones because he could barely bring himself to eat.

Everything he tried to eat tasted rotten, like it wasn't meant for him to consume. Nothing could compare to the food you made anyways, not even the idiot cook on the straw hats crew could get him to eat much. He choked back another sob as he cradled your face in his hands and leaned in to rest his forehead against your own as he continued on.

"But then when I finally got the nerve to call you into my office and ask about it you looked at me with such sureness and told me you knew you belonged because I chose you. You told me you had been invited to Luffy-Ya's crew after I asked you to join and you chose me. I was flabbergasted, and if I'm honest with you it was in that moment I knew I had fallen for you. That terrified me so I became more distant yet you didn't push me, you waited so patiently for me to get my head out of my ass and come to you. I never told you but you were my first for a lot of things. You changed me so much for the better. You taught me how to really live again once I'd completed my goal. I wish I'd of told you then how I felt so we could have had more time together. So I could have really made you feel treasured. I'm sorry I worked so much and put you second. I should have took you out every time we docked and spoiled you rotten. You deserved so much better than me and yet you loved me and never once complained about a single thing."

Tears fell to your cheek as he silently cried, the knot in his throat nearing it's breaking point. He was so tired, tired of crying. Tired of the repeating nightmare that was the moment you jumped in front of him to save him from the enemies attack that left him alive kneeling on the dirt and you dead on impact. Law kissed your forehead gently before trailing kisses down to your lips. His next sentence came out broken and hoarse.

"You were selfish, selfish for giving your life up for mine and I'm sorry that I'm too selfish to live without you."

"I'm sorry but this is where we part ways guys. Take care of yourselves and don't cry too much, especially you Bepo."

Law took his hat off and sat it beside his blade before he moved to pick you up bridal style and cradled your head in the crook of his neck. He slowly carried you to the cliffs and stopped, glancing from your dead gaze to the jagged rocks below before finally settling on the distant image of the Polar Tang with a sad smile.

With his final goodbyes whispered to the wind Law let his gaze fall back to your lifeless one. Even in your zombie-like state he couldn't help but to think the sunrise still looked beautiful in your eyes. He kissed you again, holding you just a little tighter as he stepped off the edge without another sound, eagerly awaiting your soft embrace in the afterlife.

[marilynthornhilllover]

Larissa weems x fem!reader

Name: " when the pain cuts you deep"

Warning: indecent language, depression, insecurities, self hatred,panic attacks, childhood trauma, low self esteem, FLUFF.

Request: hey darling! Can I request a sad reader x larissa please! Also can it be based off the song remedy from adele, including some stuff like depression, insecurities, self hatred,childhood trauma, anxiety, panic attacks, low self esteem etc rissa comes home to r crying in the bathroom saying shes not good enough and no one cares about her. BUTS LOTS OF FLUFF FROM RISSA!! I kbow that you would use your imagination and make this into art BTW i love your fanfics keeping working magic and have a good day!!

A/n: thank you darling!! And I hope your doing well just know that your gonna be ok :)

○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○☆○

Growing up you had a pretty fucked up childhood. While other kids were busy being happy and playing with toys you were busy being miserable and suffering. Depression is something everyone can relate to. Either it be serious or not.

We all faced a time when we once questioned our existence on earth. You've been a broken child growing up. And because of that it destroyed many of your relationships. Because people didn't know how to cope and relate to you mentally.

But when you met larissa that all changed. You first met her at a conference meeting. That's when she helped you with through your first panic attack in public. After that the both of you got really close.

Larissa was always gentle with you. Never pressured you. Never belittle you, underestimated you, made you feel scared, lonely, hurt, nothing that people would normally make you feel.

You always thought that you weren't capable of loving. But the day larissa proposed to you would forever be a eternal memory to you. It's been 5 years now, and you haven't regret a thing.

♧

Larissa knew when you didn't come to hug her at the door when she came home something was wrong. Big time. Fear rushed over her as panic filled her body, as she called your name once and didn't get a response. " darling? Where are you, I'm home" she said running up the stairs to the second floor.

She heard you. Your quiet sobs of pain. Her heart immediately shattered. She hated seeing you hurt so much. Especially when she knows sometimes she can't help. You just have to get over it yourself in your own time. In your own space. Which she highly respected.

She gently knocked on the door causing you to jump from inside. You were so lost in yourself you didn't even hear her come home. " baby you ok?" She asked voice dripping with care and love but hasten with worry. You sniffed as you pulled in a cold long breath.

" Yes but I'll be out soon" you said barely getting it out before you broke down into tears again. As much as you wanted to be alone in your shit you wanted to be in her embrace. With her soothing words of affection. Her soft touch, her kisses. Oh you wanted it all.

You always hated physical touch but larissa was different. Far different. Her touch was magical. And you hated pushing her away when she so desperately wanted to help you.

" my love you can't hide forever, dont do this to yourself please" she whispered the last word coming painfully. She sat on the ground on the other end of the door. You pulled your knees closer to your chest and placed your head on them. You couldn't face yourself and now you couldn't face her. You've been here a million times before.

And she was always there every step of the way. So why are you shutting her out now? Why the distancing. It was the self doubt again. The little demon in your head telling you no one loves or care about you. That's what it was, larissa thought to her self.

" What's troubling my dove?" She asked voice soft as ever. She really was meant for you. You couldn't help the sobs. When she asked you the question your heart suddenly gaved out. You suddenly had the urge to tell your lover everything.

You slowly opened the door. Larissa immediately stood to her feet taking a good look at you. Puffy eyes, messed up mascara, messy hair. Her heart ached at the sight of you. It seriously broke her heart to see you in such state.

" I don't feel like I'm good enough for anything or anyone rissa, not even for you. I hate myself, I'm always messing things up. I dont wanna hurt anyone. I wanna let go riss" you said voice breaking. Soon the tears came flooding your eyes and cheeks again.

"Oh honey" she cooed as she pulled you into her arms. "Let it out" she whispered, placing your face into her neck. You cried harder. Her grip around tighten as she was trying to get you as close to her as possible. She allowed you to cry and cry til you couldn't anymore.

You became numb to the pain.

♧

After larissa gaved you a bath she placed you in bed. She got dressed into something more comfortable and took her place beside you on the bed. For a while there was completely silence. You stared into the room avoiding eye contact with her.

You could feel her staring at you. "Baby" she whispered cupping your face in her hands. You melted into her touch, whimpering at the sensation.

" look up" she whispered and you did just so, as soon as your eyes met her gaze she kissed you softly. You didn't have the energy to kiss back so you just let her do all the love and affection. Her soft lips against yours was always a feeling you would never get tired of.

You moaned into her mouth as she deepened the kiss. This is what you loved most about larissa. She could take all your pain away in a instant. Make you feel safe. Important.

" why didn't you tell me the feelings were coming back?" She asked proceeding to leave kisses all over your face. You pulled away from her eyes meeting her gaze. " I didn't want to burden you with unnecessary things" you whispered looking away from her.

She immediately brought your gaze back to hers. " y/n you are not a burden and your feelings and mental health is not unnecessary, my love" she said smiling softly. Her eyes were filled with hope and love.

" I love you beyond stars, do you know what I'd do for you?" You sniffed and barley was able to look at her because your eyes were hurting so bad. " I'd jump off a cliff for you. Get hit by a train for you. Die for you" she said, kissing your cheek.

Suddenly your chest started to feel tight. Your breathing became more erratic. It was a panic attack. Larissa noticed immediately. She pulled you closer to her and placed your head on her shoulder. " remember what we participated darling" she whispered, she slowly inhaled and you followed.

Then she slowly exhaled. You followed her breathing steps for a good while before you were ok again. You pulled away from larissa and looked up at her.

" thank you for being so patient with me, rissa" you whispered looking down at the sheets and slightly pulling them. Larissa used her hand to rise up your chin. She took both your hands in hers. She kissed you on your forehead softly. " I meant what I said in our wedding vows" she whispered.

" that'd you be by my side forever?" You asked low laying your head into her lap.

She slowly Bagan to run her fingers through your messy hair. Fingernails brushing your scalp lightly. Soon you started to fall asleep. Larissa fixed you probably so that you were comfortable, by placing your head on a pillow and your blanket over you.

You were completely asleep now. Larissa looked at your sleeping body and smiled. She loved you beyond stars. She smiled at your before kissing your forehead.

" that I'll be your remedy" she whispered softly. That was her vows to you. To understand you. Help you. Stay be yourside and most importantly to be your cured for your sadness and broken heart.

☆

The next morning you woke up with kisses being placed all over your face. during your sleepy state you heard. " love yourself today, you deserve it" it was below the average tone of how a person spoke but above a whisper. There was a soft kiss to your cheek before she left for work.

[fullstcp]

'Now That I've Been Honest' by Maddie Zahm Sentence Starters

WHERE DO ALL THE GOOD KIDS GO?

"They ran out of adults, the closest thing was me."

"They showed me just how alone alone can be."

"I thought so much about death, I couldn't live my life."

"I was always way too young to be that good at growing up."

"So I hooked up with a random stranger."

"I can't tell the difference between fun and danger."

EIGHTBALL GIRL

"You're black and white about everything but me."

"So tell me, dynamite, what's it gonna be?"

"Tell me how you feel about me."

"Do you love me? Is it hazy? Do the signs all point to yes?"

"What keeps happening between us wouldn't happen between friends."

"The tension's hard to handle."

THANKS FOR COMING OUT

"I listen to the stories about shitty boys who broke your heart."

"I called you my best friend when we both know you were way more."

"Sorry I gave that boy my number, I don't know what I did that for."

"I'll go back to kissing strangers in the dark."

"You can go back to lying to yourself about who you are."

"I'm a mess, I 'm a wreck."

"You kissed a girl, don't you forget."

"I warned you, you might panic."

"I thought we'd work it out, didn't see it coming when you left."

"A hotel, a few days, I guess that's all we're gonna be."

LADY KILLER

"Since you came around, I've cried enough to drift away."

"You knocked me off my hot girl shit, and then you walked away."

"But then you kissed your boyfriend just to shove it in my face."

"Fucking ruthless. You know what you're doing."

"So I won't pull the trigger if you don't."

"We all know how deadly this is gonna get."

"It's getting tragic how bad I want it."

"The fact that it's forbidden is what makes it kinda hot."

"Fuck Romeo, I'll take Juliet."

ROBIN WILLIAMS

"All the greats have been depressed."

"Money can't buy happiness."

"Nothing that I have is really mine."

"What if there's beauty in boring?"

"What if I find solace in the ordinary?"

"Cause, if I want it all, when will I stop wanting more?"

"What good is being worshipped if I don't know what for?"

"Life's a moving finish line, we're never really satisfied."

"The more that you're adored, the less you're liked."

"How could that not make you lose your mind?"

STEP ON ME

"I hope you twist the story til you think its true."

"I hope you keep telling people I was chasing you."

"I hope that you'll write me a "fuck you" song."

"I hope you fall in love with someone else."

"I hope I'm the ex that your friends love to hate."

"I get that you're sad, but you can't be that mad."

"Your life only got good when we went bad."

"Tell everyone that it's my fault."

DANI

"Said we couldn't be friends, and maybe that was true."

"I was always a little bit in love with you."

"I know we shouldn't be talking."

"If you're ever single, call me."

"I'm a lot more than a little in love with you."

"If you wanna know what's on my mind, he/she/they can't be on yours."

"But I'm yours if you say you want me."

IMISSYOU.

"You're the best I've found."

"Thank you for showing up and showing me what I'm missing."

"I know you had to go and I already miss you."

"If you wait too long and I become the love of someone's life, just know you're still mine."

"I'll stop missing you when I die."

"I hope you learn to like who you are. Or at least pick a few favorite parts."

"I'm sorry I showed up and showed you what you're missing."

"I promise you I'll go, can I have one more minute?"

"If you wait too long and find the greatest love and it's not mine. It's alright."

"I'll miss you until I die."

BEDROOM

"You made my home foreign land."

"You made me hate my bedroom."

"You couldn't let me have one nice thing, could you?"

"I fucking miss you."

"I wish I never met you."

LIGHTS ON KIND OF LOVER

"I never wanted someone to want me."

"Now I'll never want somebody else to want me."

"I know you would love me better."

"I'm so far from put together."

"You're changing me."

"I love the way you love me better."

PICK UP THE PHONE

"I'm the only who thinks I'm a fuck-up."

"I know I should just pick up the phone."

"Serotonin's fucking with my head."

"It's crazy that I know what would be best."

"I don't wanna get better."

"I still don't think I'm deserving."

GROWING IN

"I got rid of shallow people who like to tell me what I'm not."

"I learned to take it easy."

"This life is a mess and it's amazing."

"Nobody's really growing up, we're just growing in."

"I finally stopped chasing personified question marks."

"I fell in love, then fell out of it."

"Thought it'd kill me, but I got over it."

"You have time, kid."

"Just take your time."

[destinygoldenstar]

I’d lie if I said I didn’t see some people say this before, but very few people have and it’s strange to me.

Owen’s story in Total Drama is kinda sad.

Think about it, he’s acts like a little kid all the time (ironic) and his bright energy and optimism helped him win Island. He just came on the show to have fun, as a contrast to every other character, but they were drawn to him at first because he was a ray of positive light. And for the first ten episodes of Action, that seems to stick, even after he stupidly gave up his winnings and (not intentionally) screwed his family over. 

Then once his jaw gets busted, everything goes downhill. 

It’s bad enough that the injury caused... quite a bit of stir craziness for him, but Courtney forced him out of the game because of that. His only hope with a broke family was to play the producers favorite and come back on the show in a forced ‘villain descent’ plotline. Even if it’s not in Owen’s nature to be mean and strategic and a drama inducer, the shift and him being thrown in everyone’s faces drove everyone away from him.

World Tour was essentially a fresh new start for him, a way to be himself once more, and what does he get? A team leader that constantly bullies him, where he can’t read the room that the new guy hates his guts? Everyone else is devoted to the nature of the show, and so they treat Owen’s good nature as something to use, and as something that’s worthless in the end. No one even considers that he has feelings and just sees him as some man child.

He loses Izzy from a plane crash, a very traumatizing experience for him. And instead of getting time to mourn, he’s forced to sing a goofy song about it. 

He becomes close friends with Noah (His ONLY real friend at this point, mind you), and Noah gets booted next episode.

Alejandro and Duncan want to use Owen after the fact, and though he’s nice to Blaineley, she only fat shames him and uses him for her image, because ‘producers favorite’. He realizes they don’t like him far too late, and they abandon him in his elimination. Not a single person is shown feeling slightly bad about ditching Owen like this. 

This good natured kid who brought everyone together at the start of the show, ends his time in the show single, disliked, and ALONE.

Really, the only person Owen had after the show was Noah, who as I mentioned earlier, was the only person who didn’t use or abandon Owen. In that sense, them staying together as Reality Pros makes so much sense. All they had was each other. (Before Emma and Kitty anyway) Noah is everything to Owen. If Noah isn’t in a good state, physically or mentally, Owen loses his mind. That’s why Owen plays the role of the sidekick. He doesn’t want Noah to abandon him. (”Maybe you should stop trying to be some girls hero, and be MY hero” -Ridonculous Race)

And another detail I noticed; In Action, he got carried away with his food obsession after the jaw incident that slowed his team down. Then in Ridonculous Race episode 3 with the cheese wheel, the similar thing happens and he cries and feels bad about it, as though he’s shaming himself for an inability to be what people want of him. (”I have no self control. I’m like a dog.”) To prove my point.

Now, I’m not gonna act like Owen is my favorite character or anything. He’s not. He’s more B and maybe a Low A tier character for me, and my tolerance for him depends on the season. (Island - Decently liked. Action - Disliked. World Tour - Really liked. Ridonculous Race - Mixed bag) 

But I did want to bring this up for people who think Owen is some shallow comic relief with no feelings or character depth. There’s more to him than that. If anything, I blame the writers for oversaturating him as a joke. (Or maybe it was on purpose to sell what I said. I can’t tell.)

[resonating-kitty]

Ghostsoap 🎤🎤🎤

45: Tell me a Secret

-

Late afternoon and another mission completed found the members of Task Force 141 in the familiar bar not to far from their current base of operations.

The group was spread out, milling around with themselves and others as they came down from the high stress of the field and into a more relaxed state. Well as relaxed as a group of soldiers could get.

As per usual, Ghost had himself tucked away in a booth in a dark corner, wall at his back and the room stretched out in from of him so he could see everything. A glass of bourbon sat untouched in front of him, also as per usual. Sometimes he would drink it and other times he would not. He still ordered it anyway.

Usually that would be Ghost's night. Sat in a corner, observing the room until he deemed it enough social interaction and retired back to his room at base. But as of late - for months actually if Ghost were keeping up with it, which he was not thank you - Ghost never remained alone for long.

Tonight would be no exception to that. Soon the opposite side of his booth would not longer be empty if the brief looks Soap kept shooting his way was anything to go by. Which they were, they always were.

So Ghost counted the seconds before Soap pushed away from the bar and sauntered over, sliding into his spot opposite of Ghost.

Exactly 35 seconds.

Soap was getting quicker with his decision to join him. Ghost couldn't find himself to be annoyed. Not with what they had hanging between them. Not after the events of Las Almas when Ghost almost lost Soap. Twice. So instead he tips his head and in greeting says, "Johnny."

"Ghost," Johnny would say back, take a sip of whatever he was drinking. Beer or scotch, just depending.

They would sit in silence until Soap broke it, starting a conversation that Ghost would listen to intently and respond to if he was in the mood. Sometimes he just made noises and let Soap just rattle on about nothing.

Recently Ghost has found himself more and more interested in the Scotsman. He found himself responding back more and more just to keep Johnny speaking.

More and more, Ghost found himself breaking that silence between them with innocent little questions that would grant him more and more insight into Johnny Soap MacTavish.

Tonight was going to be one of those nights.

"Johnny," Ghost started, voice low as he lifted his bourbon to his lips, "tell me a secret."

Soap arched a brow and Ghost shrugged one shoulder in a silent, only if you want.

Soap nodded, eyes scrunching up in thought. More silence as Soap seemed to really think about what secret he wanted to share. Ghost saw the moment he found something.

"When I was in basic training, there was this Drill Sergeant, real mean bas. Hated everyone, especially the new boots. " Soap began, fingers playing idly with his glass - scotch this time. "He took an exceptional disliking ta me."

Soap's lips lifted in a smile but it was a sad one. It had Ghost resting his forearms on the table, leaning forward in the booth. Giving Johnny his undivided attention.

"He used ta drill me harder than all the rest. I never could do anything right, no matter how hard I tried. He would always find something to get in my face over, make me do pushups until I physically couldn't anymore then tear into me even more. He would tell me I would never be a good solider, that all I would ever do is get all my teammates and then myself killed."

Ghost hadn't realized his hands had balled into tight fists until Soap reached out, brushing his fingers tentatively over them. Immediately Ghost opened his hands, letting drag his fingers across his gloved palm. Those grey blue eyes had gone distant with memory as Soap continued.

"I remember one day he took us to the gym. Sparring lessons. I got the unfortunate luck of being the punching bag for him to us to demonstrate moves. That was possibly the worst day of my military career."

"Johnny," Ghost's voice was a deep rumble as anger surged through his veins. He wasn't going to make Johnny finish this. Was regretting even asking because he never imagined something like this.

But Soap shook his head, slid his hand down to squeeze Ghost's wrist. "I wanna. Haven't told anyone this before."

"No one?" Ghost questioned, eyes intense. "What about medical?"

"Didnae go to medical. He told me I better not. Pretty sure my ribs were bruised if not cracked. I remember that I couldn't breath. Everything hurt from the top of my head to the tips of my toes." Soap frowned, tipping his head down to stare at the table, "The bastard asked me if I'd had enough. If I was ready to quit and go back home. I realized then that all that time he'd been trying ta get me to leave the military."

Ghost watched, eyes widened, as Soap slowly looked up at him. He was smirking, eyes hardened in determination.

"Wasn't gonnae let him win. Wasn't gonnae ever give up. So I put my heart and soul into doing just that. I think he realized it in the end, that he would never break me, never drive me away."

"You ever think about leaving?" Ghost asked after a beat, curious.

"Aye. When I was nursing my ribs and before he said that to me, I thought about it. Back then I didnae know if it would be worth it." Soap answered, honest. He leaned forward, reaching out to brush his fingers across Ghost's covered cheek. "I'm very glad that I didn't quit."

Ghost grabbed Johnny's hand before he could pull away and pulled his mask up to briefly brush his lips against his knuckles. He couldn't say the words now, not here in this bar, but Soap's beaming smile told him that he understood loud and clear.

They sat there for a while longer. Ghost had pulled his mask back down but he still held Soap's hand loosely in his own.

"You ever know what happened to your old drill sergeant?" Ghost asked after a while.

"Nah," Soap shook his head, "As far as I know he's still tormenting boots."

Ghost hummed at that.

He'll need to have a chat with Price. Find out exactly which basic training camp Soap went to. Maybe even ask to take a little trip the next time they were in between missions.

[alara-kahya]

"Things end, that's all. Everything ends, and it's always sad. But everything begins again, and that's always happy." - 12th Doctor.

Self Para: Post break-up, 3 days later. Involved: Jayden Cross (deceased), her mom & Kian. Mentions: Nate Donovan & Emiri Tezel. Location/s: Cemetery & her home. Triggers: Death, grief, heartache.

"So, yeah, that's it. Sorry to come and bring bad news, I just... Well, selfishly I guess I thought it would help." Sighing as she sat on the ground in front of Jayden's grave, she tucked her knees into her chest and decided to just wallow for a minute. It was day three since Nate had walked out and aside from this right here, she hadn't told anyone. Not her mom, not even Emiri. What was she supposed to say? "I don't know how to talk about it with anyone else, or maybe I'm just scared to." Yeah, that felt more accurate. Alara had worked so incredibly hard over the years to shape herself into a strong and confident woman, it was difficult for her to show that she was still capable of being hurt. "I know what you'd say, I even know what you'd do, you would hug me and tell me to call my mom. Actually, you'd probably call her yourself. You can't beat a hug from your mom." She chuckles, saying something that Jayden used to say about her mother. Honestly, he was as close to an adopted child as her mom had, it broke her too when he died.

The soft laugh soon turned into a sniffle and before she knew it, she was choking back a sob and desperately wiping at the tears that spilled over her eyes. "How did I let this happen again," she puffed out a breath, still somehow laughing between crying, though it was far from a place of amusement. "I did what you always wanted me to do and I took a chance. Now look at me, right back to square one and you're not even here for me to say it's all your fault." Joking, but the words only made her miserable. "I feel like a fool, I really thought if I just kept patience, he'd find his moment and talk to me. Now I'm wondering if I should have pushed harder? And then I hate myself for thinking this could be my fault, because it isn't, is it? I gave him everything, and it just wasn't enough, how am I supposed to accept that? How can I when I don't understand." Groaning, what she does understand now is why she chose to come here and talk to a headstone over someone who could actually support her. Emotional and manic wasn't her best look, she wanted to try and vent a lot of it out before she turned to her family and friends. "It just hurts, it... yeah, it hurts."

The ache that swirled all around her insides only rippled outwards until it felt like even breathing in was painful. "I'm so lost without you, Jj, I miss you so much. So much." It wasn't fair. A thought that she seemed to be thinking a lot lately. Nothing was ever fair and she couldn't stand it. "You don't know what I'd give to go back, even if it was just to see you one last time." She lost herself when he had died, that much was clear to everyone who loved her, but what a lot of them didn't realize was that she never truly recovered. A part of her was still lost, still trying to claw it's way back but it never would. There was an empty space there in her heart that belonged entirely to her best friend. Sighing, she swiped more tears away and climbed up to her feet, staying crouched as her brown eyes lingered over his name. "Love you. I'll be back in a couple days, I'll bring beer." With a sad smile and a soft hand pressed against the cold stone, she takes a deep breath and turns to leave. Hopefully looking a little less blurry-eyed by the time she got home to greet her mother.

"Hey," calling out as she drops her bag at the door. "Sorry I'm late, work ran over and then I got talking to Jay," a statement that wasn't out the ordinary, it was never unusual for her to visit the cemetery just to keep her lost friend upto date on her life. "That's ok, sweetie. Little man is all tucked up, he's just waiting for a hug," her mom smiles, though she can't help but eye Alara with mild suspicion. "Everything ok?" Hard not to notice bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks when they were right in front of you, but it wasn't just that. It was something Kian had told her while they ate dinner. That he heard his mommy crying in the middle of the night. "Yeah, I'll go give him his hug," shying away from her gaze, she knew she couldn't talk about it right now, not while her son was waiting for her.

Making her way up the stairs, she does her best to rub the mascara away and go in his room with a warm greeting. "Hello my beautiful baby. Sorry I missed dinner." Walking over to sit on the end of his bed, her smile actually reaching her eyes just at the sight of him. "That's okay, but nanna made me eat sweetcorn," he pulled a blegh face and shuffled out his covers to envelope his arms around her. An action that had her eyes stinging with a fresh set of tears as she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed. "I didn't tell her sweetcorn is on the no no list now." Chuckling, she kisses at the top of his head, and holds him tight, finding a warm comfort that only he could ever really provide. It almost made her unwilling to tuck him back in, but she did, somehow resisting the urge to just lay down with him. "Mommy?" Innocent eyes peer up at her as she strokes his hair. "Are you sad?"

The question made her heart hurt, she never wanted to be sad in front of him but she should have known, he was always very perceptive. "I'm a little bit sad, yeah. Missing your Uncle Jayden a lot today." It wasn't a lie, and she obviously wasn't going to tell her four-year-old child about her breakup. "It's okay to be sad sometimes, as long as you know how to make yourself happy again, and I do, so don't worry." Nodding, she wasn't sure that part was quite true, not as things stood. "How do you do that?" He asks, making her laugh softly. "Well, I just look at you and all that sadness goes away. You know what I always tell you, I'm the luckiest mommy in the world to have a baby as kind and loving as you. But it's late, so close your eyes and dream nice dreams. I love you." Leaning forward to kiss his head, she waits for him to say it back and gently leaves the room, door ajar just how he liked it.

As soon as he was out of sight, she has her hands pressed over her mouth, silencing the hiccup and quickly making her way to her room. Washing up and getting into her pj's, she's surprised when she sees her mom still here, waiting for her on the sofa. "Now that your baby is settled, let me settle mine..." Patting a hand on the sofa, Alara looks between her and the spot, wary, almost timid. She didn't want to break, but damn, it didn't matter how old she got, a mother's influence was always the instinctive way to run. And so, she grabs a blanket and walks over, settling herself closely by her side, head on her shoulder and arm around her front, allowing her mother to just be there and hold her.

"Jayden was never wrong about this, can't beat one of your hugs." Smiling as she sits up, she doesn't bother to hide the sad defeat in her eyes, instead, she just shrugs. "Nate and I are done. He'd rather spiral than lean on me. I tried, but... It's pretty impossible to fight for someone who doesn't want to be fought for." The corners of her eyes crease as she tries to say it with a calm tone. As soon as she hears her mom say she's sorry, she shakes her head, trying to tell her she didn't really have anything else to say, except maybe... "You know what the worst part is? I never forgot how crap this feels, I broke my own promise never to put myself back in a position where I can be hurt because... I managed to convince myself that this time, it wouldn't end with tears."

And in a gesture to her own, she scoffs a sad half-laugh and tries to swallow the lump in her throat. She appreciates that her mom gives her the time to talk without interrupting, the squeeze on her arm is comforting enough without making her feel crowded. "Maybe I'm just not meant to be in a relationship. Some people aren't, and that's fine. I was happy by myself, I can be that way again." Nodding, "Yeah. It's fine. I'm- I'll be fine." Maybe if she said it enough, she would actually start to believe it. "Alara..." That soft tone of a concerned mother had her sucking in a breath as she shakes her head. "Don't. Please, just don't. I don't need you to say anything." She practically insists, misty brown eyes lifting up to hers only to close with a shaky sigh. "Okay, sweetie. I won't. But you should go get me some pajamas because I'll be staying here tonight." Her mom says, lifting a hand up to Alara's cheek, hoping that she wouldn't protest. Truthfully, she didn't have the energy, and not being alone sounded far better. "Thank you."

[hiddenthoughts7]

Why does it hurts so much?..

Lately I can't help but cry at any time, even though I'm trying my best not to....

Time passes by so fast is scary, I feel so stuck, never advancing, always following the routine, wake up, eat, work, eat, work, eat, work and then a "little free time" at night, where I have to wait till my little sister sleeps so I can cry in peace without having to worry her, is at this time, where I am alone that I can have a little sense of freedom, and I hate it, all I do is feel anxious, worried and sad, then I go to sleep and the cycles starts again, is so tiring, it feels like I'm wasting my life making everyone happy or confortable, pleasing them with whatever they want because I can't say no.

This is consuming me, I really don't know what to do, this is tearing me apart, always having to have a stupid smile in my face so I don't ruin anyone's day, sometimes I don't know if I have any right to feel this way, am I complaining to much? am I exaggerating? why does it hurts if everyone seems to see it as normal, as if what I'm feeling is nothing?

What I am? What is my purpose in life? I seriously don't get why I'm even here...I want to stay, there's so many things I want to accomplish, but at this rate would I be able to do it? When could I scape this misery?...

My life is so busy doing anything people need, a people pleaser they call it..

But when is my turn? Is happiness really that hard to get? Do I really have to spend my whole life looking for a moment to feel happy?

I miss being a little girl, things were so simple back then, it definitely wasn't perfect either but I was a little bit happy....I guess, to be really honest I don't remember much from when I was young, most of my memories are full of sadness and disappointments…

The first thing I remember that broke my heart was seeing my parents fighting, getting divorced, i still have that flashback of my father having to leave our house...it breaks my heart every time i remember, i wanted to go with him, i still do...

A part of me is glad that my parents are not together anymore, i know how toxic they were in their relationship, and i didn't want any of them to get hurt, but other part of me also always hoped to see them together again...i always wished that every birthday, but it never came true so i stopped making wishes, i stopped believing in god that day... because what did i do to hurt me like that?

I always wanted to stay with my dad, i miss him, i love him, he is the best dad, i know he is not perfect, but he did his best to be by my side, he couldn't do much economically, but that didn't matter to me, he gave my love and support every time, so that meant much more for me, that's all i needed...

He still supports me, we really get along well even better which I'm glad, but i really miss him, now I'm even far away from than before..

It makes me feel anxious and worry to even thinking my parents can get sick, again, they are not perfect....but I love them.

There's so much i want to write in here...but I'm not sure if I can, my mind gets blurry trying to remember my life while listening to sad music, the only thing i know is that I'm an ocean of tears...my heart aches, it's an estrange feeling, i feel my heart getting twisted and punched.

Why can't i go back? i would love to spend more time with my family, my little dog..my house, everything i just want to go back and stop time so i can have them with me again...

I miss my friends...I feel so lonely, this world nowadays is just full of hatred and sadness, work life devours you, you have to put your wants and needs aside to continue with the same thing over and over again, things that doesn't do anything for you besides giving you money, and for what? everything goes to basic human necessities that we sadly have to pay for.

I rarely find the time to even listen to music, that's how sad and toxic my life is..at 1 am is when i can be myself...

I love my little sister, i want her to be the happiest human on earth, i want to protect her, I've been taking care of her since I'm 13, while my mom and her husband went to their disco business, or went to the casino while i had to take her, they didn't care at all, they always have used me, because it was spected for me to do those things, was it fair? My sister even called me mom at some points.

Always taking care of everyone, always making everyone happy, what have they done for me? Give me food and a roof? Education? Yes, thank you for that but those are my rights, that's your responsibility, to be honest i didn't asked to be born at all.

Is always complicated when i wanted something, is always a trouble when i need something, that's why i stopped asking for anything.

I never had the best relationship with my mom, now is better than before, but still..

Every time I'm trying to remember the past my mind blocks it and i started to cry...

I don't know what to do, i want to remember so i can do something about it, it wasn't only my family who has hurt me, my "friendships" back then also have betray me and leave me in pain.

I was always that replaceable friend in every group i was, always the extra person in the room, the one who didn't matter at all, then one who was being used for whatever reason, this is not me trying to be the victim in all this, no, this is me, recognizing my pain as valid, I'm tired of hiding my feelings, i;m tired of thinking my feelings are just an exaggeration.

The first time i ever felt loved, the first time I felt this feeling was truly mutual, why did it have to be with him? Why that had to happen?

I was so blinded by thinking what he did was normal, at 15 years old, i really thought that being forced to have sex was okay, i hated myself for allowing that to happen but what did i know? he was stronger than me, i really tried to stopped him from doing that, but maybe i didn't fight enough..i was so scared i have to faked an smile in front of him and act normal after that even though i was furious and shocked..i continued to be with him thinking that was the best thing to do, why? i don't know maybe i was scared of what could have happened after that, and i was actually right, everything was worst after that, i was so conflicted with myself, i loved him, but i also hated him, he was so manipulative, making me feel stupid, at the end i realize, none of that wasn't love, you don't hurt the person you love, i was just his entertainment, i always spected something romantic, spending time together talking, looking at the stars, laughing, watching movies, doing simple things, and all i got was someone who always came to me to pretend to be the person i always wanted, always coming to me just so i can satisfy his needs for hours, forcing myself to do those things, just so i could see him happy...what an idiot i was.

That was our relationship, just based in physical affection, just so he can leave my place with an smile in his face, while i was destroyed...at some point he didn't even have a proper conversation whit me, he waited for us to be alone so he can do those things, and all i wished was for him to get away...every time, Thankfully I realized that i deserved better, not a person who even recorded me without my consent and show it to others, not a person, who used me.

I also stopped trusting anyone the moment my supposed male best friend tried to r**e me as well, my female best friend at that time set me up and betray me, i went to her house to spend time with her, playing video games or something, what she did? She invited him and faked being sick so she could get out with her mom to the pharmacy and she leaved me alone with him, i was so stupid so innocent, it didn't crossed my mind that he could do that, i really though we were going to watch a movie while we wait for her, he got on top of me, trying to forced me, 2 times, i didn't know what to do, i was scared to death, luckily i have my phone in the pocket and i hit him with that in the head, and then i went to the kitchen to look for a knife, what else was i supposed to do? he calmed down and went to the bathroom to finish with his desires by his own, how disgusting.

I didn't know where i was, i came with my fake friend there, and i didn't know how to leave, my only option was to ask him to accompany me in a taxi, the least he could do.

The next day? i saw my 2 "friends" in the school stairs, looking at me, laughing at me....I've never felt that disappointed.

All my classmates knew me as the shy one, or the crazy one, or the weird one...there's always a reason for that, if nobody was going to protect me, then i have to do it myself.

Nobody really cared.

I want to be happy, but i also don't want to exist anymore, i want to succeed but I'm also tired of keep trying, i want to be alive but i also want to die, honestly.

There's more sad memories to tell, but that's all my mind could remember today. Now is time to continue crying while listening to sad music.

[goldendot3x]

Gap the Series finale thoughts and spoilers and feelings

Aaaaaaaaa, what an ending! Love it! There’s tears, laughter and drama. And a bit of a lecture. Lol

Mon slowly coming to the acceptance that break-up is imminent but cannot let go of the love she has for Sam. Watching the slow break up hurts so much. But goddamnit they did it in a beautiful way. Both at Sam’s house and also when she’s taking down The Sam Shrine.

Sam. I love you. I truly do. You are my blorbo, my sad little meow meow and my mess of a lesbian. But, for fuck sake, answer that damn phone! Or at least text back! Urgghhh (But I do understand why you’re being stupid right now and that is exactly why I love you)

I love The Gang. I truly do. All queers should have one group of friends like that. And they are so supportive of Mon it’s heartwarming. Their heart broke the same time as Mon’s does.

TeeYuki acknowledgement. Finally. And Tee, I love all your outfits. Why are you so handsome and dapper.

Neung oh Neung. Aside from Sam, you’re also an epitome of a traumatized child that still love their parents figure despite everything. I get you. I get you on so many levels.

Tee, stop trolling Jim. But don’t, actually. I love that you will troll and burn your friends mercilessly.

Kirk. Oh Kirk. Only NOW you realised it? Fuck you. I still hate you. You will never be redeemable in my eyes.

Evil Grandmother. Now upgraded to Disliked Grandmother.

Mon, how can you look so gorgeous while going through a heartbreak? Don’t believe Tee when she said you look awful.

It is true, Sam only bends her head and knees to 2 people. Grandma and Mon.

Disliked Grandmother, why does it needs 2 men to tell you about it before you believe about Sam’s happiness and stop controlling her life? Your 3 grandchildren have been telling you about it for years and years. The thing is, I totally understand where she is coming from. But damn it I still hate what she represents. Also, her relationship dynamics with Sam might hit too close to home.

Fuck, they both love each other so much.

Fuck. It’s the cheap jewelleries. She can’t let go. Sam still loves Mon so damn much.

I guess watching your grandchild slowly withering away is more sobering than suddenly receiving a phone call that another of your grandchild is in an accident, huh grandma? Still, I kinda get it, in a way. Song’s passing is sudden. And she did not know or have met Ice. In contrast, Sam’s withering away is slow and in front of her eyes. And she met Mon. And she has seen how Sam is when she’s with Mon. Also, Sam is her favourite grandchild, so it might be different.

Khun Phoom. A bit in-your-face-lecture there. I was expecting him to introduce Grandma to his boyfriend or something. Lol.

I understand why there is a need for the Khun Phoom character. Sometimes, people like grandma, that cares about status, what people say and what not, requires people that is on her level or higher to show and say those things before she can believe and accept it.

Grandma: just don’t be inappropriate in Public

Sam: proceeds to drive like a racecar driver, then becoming a road bully, then asking the love of her life to accept her back, at roadside mind you, and then proceeds to kiss her in full view of everyone that is driving on that stretch of the road (and any pedestrians if any)

Sam is wearing Pink!!!!

Sam, maybe you should start that convo with Mon by saying your wedding with Kirk is off. You really need to attend communication skills class.

Mon honey. Why don’t you ask Sam to follow you to England? But yeah I get it. I also did not apply to a job in Australia when my ex said it’ll be far from her so I can’t judge you there Mon.

Kirk and Khun Phoom 👀👀👀

(Alas, it is implied it’ll be Kirk + Kade)

Kade, honey. Kirk is The Guy you have been bashing with your friends. Please re-consider.

I love the song!!!!!

It is really the kind of ending that fits the overall mood of this series.

[jonogueirawrites]

Save him from himself.

Chapter 5

Summary:

Although Lilly would rather lose a limb than withhold information from him, the desire to protect Bucky is more important than anything else. Seeing him happy and free is what she wants most in life.

And Bucky can only feel the same thing. Her happiness is his. Nothing will stop him from seeing her smile.

But this need to protect each other can be more of a hindrance than a help to their relationship.

They have a bright future ahead of them.... the only problem is that they haven't talked about what happened after the blip or how they will ensure their relationship will work.

AO3

RSVP.

When the car approached, they stopped walking along the bridge. Zemo reminded everyone that their lives depended on them playing their roles. And that was precisely the part Lilly hated the most.

Lacing her fingers on Bucky's, she pulled him closer to be face to face. "Bucky, please…" She looked over his shoulder at the city in the distance, avoiding his eyes and praying he hadn't heard the tiny sob that escaped her mouth.

"Look at me."

Afraid her body would betray her again, she decided to shake her head instead. Her fingers tightening around his.

One step closer, and he was enveloping her with his scent, strength, and presence. "At me, Love." He softly rubbed his nose against her cold cheek. "Look at me, please…." His lips slowly trailing her skin.

"Bucky." She lifted her hands and cupped his face resting her forehead against his. Her eyes closed, hiding the tears away. "Just come back."

"I promise."

"No. No promises. Just come back."

"I always do, don't I?"

"Yes." She chuckled on his lips.

"It's a promise."

"No promises, please."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

"I lo-." He tried to say after kissing her forehead.

"I know."

"You do."

"I do. Always do."

"Be safe."

"You too." Lilly gave him a soft kiss before letting him go.

She watched Bucky get into the car and go somewhere she couldn't go with him. Her heart broke into a million pieces and scattered in the cold night wind, trying to reach the car that was far away. Too far for her to go back on her decision.

Her trembling hands took the cell phone from her pocket, and with a sigh, she dialed. Ayo answered the call on the first ring.

"So?"

"Madripoor."

"And then?"

"I’ll call you when I know.”

“Lillian, don’t-” Ayo tried to continue, but Lillian’s words cut her short.

“I don’t.” For a moment too long, there was a pause in the conversation. Both sides pondering their next words. “You should trust him as much as I do.”

“How can you think I don’t? We don’t?” Ayo’s voice laced in disbelief and sadness.

“I’m sorry.”

“We all trust him. He is the White Wolf. We don’t trust his plan.”

“I’m working on it.”

“Call me when you move.”

“I will.”

“Lilly…”

“Yes?”

“Just wanted you to know that all of us trust you as well.”

“Thank you.”

With the words still echoing in her mind and a smile representing the lightness in her heart, she put her phone away and started to run.

~~~~~

Lilly watched in horror as Zemo ordered Bucky to become the Winter Soldier again. Her eye was glued to the scope, and her finger twitched on the trigger.

Nothing would make her happier than shooting the man right between his eyes and seeing his body slump on the dirty floor. Still, she knew it would not only put Bucky and Sam in more danger but also jeopardize the mission.

She breathed in and out, in and out. There was a time and place for everything, and that was not it.

They moved, and so did Lilly. Up the stairs, they went, and her scope followed them. While they talked, Lilly let her mind wander for a second and begrudgingly imagined that Bucky was back to being the Winter Soldier. Was his life always like this? Following orders, mindlessly doing whatever other people wanted and told him to? In an endless battle with himself to regain the bare minimum resemblance of what he once was? Stupid question. She, more than anyone, should know that the answer to all of those questions was yes… unfortunately.

Something happened on the other side of the scope, and her attention was turned to the trio. Sam answered his phone, and all hell broke loose.

Someone shot in their general direction, but Lilly noticed it wasn't to harm them, so she changed her stance to look for the attacker. It took her longer than she wanted, and when she finally got a good look at them, she tightened her fingers around the gun. To her surprise, it was none other than Sharon.

Curiosity got the best of her, and she put her gear away, replacing them with her phone.

"I need you to look up someone for me." A moment of silence before she continued. "Sharon Carter."

While she waited for the answer, she watched the four of them get into a car and leave the place.

"Got it. Where is it being held?” Another moment of silence. “Can you get me in?" Nodding and thanking, she hung up once more and made her way down the building.

Breaking into the car and starting it up was the easy part. The difficult one, though, was making her way around a city that she had never set foot in. Another glance at the phone display, and she found her way. For what felt like an eternity later, she stopped in front of a store with a neon light sign and lots of fancy dresses in its window.

With a sigh, she rounded the block and parked some good meters away, coming back to the store and leaving moments later with a dress slung over her shoulder. As soon as she sat foot on the sidewalk, her phone rang, and she smiled, listening to the tone that made her worries melt away. 

“Hey! How’s everything?”

“Things are good.” Bucky’s voice surprisingly stead. “And you?”

“Just shopping. I mean… what else am I supposed to do?” Her face fell. Lying, or rather, omitting things from Bucky, was the last thing she wanted to do. 

“Lilly…”

“Just please…” She didn’t want to sound so pitiful, but it was what it was. “I can help. Let me help. You know I can-” 

“It’s not a matter of knowing what you can or can’t do. It’s a matter of what I can’t, and I can’t put you in danger. I can’t lose you.”

“Are we really going to discuss this again?”

“I know what you think, Lilly. And if there were a way for me to have you here with me right now, always, I would. You know that, don’t you?”

“I do.”

“Then just be careful, okay? Madripoor is not the safest of places.”

Lilly laughed at his words. After everything that she, they, had been through, he still could be a little overprotective at times. “Bucky, Love, I know how to take care of myself.”

“I know, I know.”

“So…” There was a pause in which she kicked an imaginary rock. She really didn’t want to lie to him, so she had to find a way to be invited to the party. “Where are you guys heading?”

“We’ve met Sharon. She is some kind of…. Well, she is well off by now, and she is throwing a party, and it came in hand because she can help us track the serum.”

“Sharon, huh?” She bit her lower lip, but it was too late. “How’s she?”

“She’s fine. And rich, very rich.”

“Well, I don’t think she would mind me tagging along then.”

“Love…”

“I’m already shopping. I could easily buy something to go. What’s the address?”

“Okay. I’ll text you the address.”

“Thank you!”

“Yeah, no worries. See you in a bit.”

“Bucky?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

He chuckled, and Lilly felt in complete ecstasy. “Love you too.”

A quick taxi ride to the hotel and a shower later, Lilian stood in front of the mirror, inspecting her appearance. Her midnight black hair contrasted with her white dress. The one-shoulder short sleeve fell perfectly on her body, accentuating her curves with modesty. The red lipstick matching her heels.

Lillian examined her figure and nodded in appreciation. They were on a mission, but it didn’t mean she couldn’t have some fun.

~~~~~

Bucky observed his reflection in the mirror. His eyes on his fancy clothes reminded him of the first time he watched Lilly play the violin. How her fingers touched the strings with passion and how the music touched the audience’s hearts. The way her fingers carded through his hair and the sounds falling from her lips touched his soul, declaring she trusted him, asking him for a kiss. The night he had her in his arms for the first of many times.

He looked up and noticed the small smile on his face. The realization that it was happening more and more often only made the smile grow until it lit his whole being. He loved her, and she loved him. Simple as that. As if simple was simple. No. There was nothing simple at that, but still… she accepted him. Wanted him and only him. The smile turned to a chuckle and finally a burst of full-out laughter.

 “You’re thinking about Lilly, aren’t you?” Sam broke the silence. A bright smile playing on his lips. His fingers tapping on the chair’s armrest.

“Is it that easy to tell?” Bucky looked at him through the reflection.

“You are the grumpiest person I have ever met. Still, when she is around, you become the softest person in the world.”

“Yeah, I guess I do.” 

“When are you two getting married?”

“As soon as she comes back from training in Wakanda. I guess in a couple of months. I’m not sure.” He walked back and sat on the sofa. His mind lost in thoughts of a cottage and a lake.

“She will be fine, man. As long as you’re fine, she’s fine.”

“I know. I just don’t want to disappoint her again.”

“Again?”

“Well, you know….” He sighed and threw his head back. “With the blip thing and all.”

“This again?” Sam scolded. “You had no saying in it. It’s not like you just up and disappeared because you wanted.”

“I know, I know.” His metal fingers carded his hair. “Seeing her like that back when we found her half dead on our home’s floor scared the shit out of me. I never, ever want to see that again. And it was all because of me.”

“Bucky…”

“It was.” His tone filled with regret. He sat up to give Sam a good look. The muscles in his body stout. “I asked her to wait for me. I asked… and she did. She waited until her soul couldn’t anymore. I almost killed her.”

“I see nothing I say will change your mind. Have you talked to her about it?”

“It’s not that easy.” Closing his eyes, he rested his head on his hands.

“It is. Just talk to her.”

Bucky raised his head to look at Sam. His jaw clenched when a million thoughts crossed his mind. Lies, half-truths, and promises. “I will.” He settled on the truth, eventually. 

Sam sighed. He shook his head and stood up to sit next to Bucky. “You two.” He cleaned the tiredness on his face. “You need to understand that what you do have is a blessing, Bucky.”

“You don’t need to tell me that.”

“Then why do the two of you behave like it is a curse?”

“What?”

“You think people don’t notice it?” He crossed his arms over his chest. “The way you treat each other? There’s love, and no one can say there isn’t. But there’s also fear. Fear of something that lives inside your minds. And it haunts you two. It doesn’t let you live.”

Bucky stared at the man beside him. He wanted to say something, anything, but nothing came out of his mouth.

“I was gone too. My sister was left alone with my nephews, and things are such a mess now. She is considering selling our parents' boat to pay some debts. It drives me crazy, but I’m not letting it stop me from being with them, you know? When I was gone, my nephews were just kids, and now they are so big. I lost too much time. I’m not losing it anymore.” Sam squeezed Bucky’s shoulder. “I’m not looking at the past. It is gone. I can’t come back to it or change it, but I can look forward and shape it as I want. And I want to be with them.” He patted his friend’s knee. “Think about it. Time is ticking, and we sure are not getting younger, if you know what I mean.” With that, he stood, looked at the mirror, and smiled at his own reflection. “And I look good in this!”

Bucky laughed. He laughed at the man in front of him. He laughed with the man in front of him. He laughed at himself, and then he just laughed. Sam’s words floating in his mind and echoing in his heart. ‘I’m not looking at the past. It is gone. I can’t come back to it or change it, but I can look forward and shape it as I want. And I want to be with them.’

In Bucky’s soul, a promise taking root. And I will definitely do anything to be with you, Lilly.

I hope you liked.

Likes and reblogs are super appreciated!

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

i don't get it. im in a position where i can make so much progress. ive had interviews damn near every day this week. I go to therapy now. i dont do pills. i eat. i try to talk out what im feeling more. but its just not enough. theres STILL something there and im edging closer to it. i can feel it. im on the brink of something horrible. i dont know what's going to happen once i reach that point. im scared of what'll happen. but it feels like once it comes i wont be able to hold back. i genuinely dont know how i did this before

being so busy.. i think it was a buffer. i never felt involved in my feelings really. id just ignore them and hide them away. in one hand, im glad i am where i am. the highs i feel feel so different from back then. ive never felt satisfaction like i do now. some times anyway. but the lows STING. i can really simmer on them now. it gives the gnawing insecurities Ive been feeling a meaning. a place in me that i have to accept. i have to actively accommodate for it all now. or ill implode

every day feels like a gamble. i cant express how little i want to do/be here. i dont care about any of this fr. i care about hurting people. its paralyzing. Ive always been such a people pleaser and i cant let it go. I will minimize everything until i absolutely cant anymore. and atp i feel so backed into a corner. my only two options seem to be either blow up and forced somewhere until i can find the drive to do something other than killing myself... ooor... kill myself. i swear that wasnt on purpose lmfao. but seriously. i mean what are the other options? i can barely push myself to do anything anymore. i dont care to. id isolate from everyone if they didnt reach out so often. well that and they notice now. ive ghosted everyone too many times they all know to just act sad so ill come back T^T

i get really tempted to tell my best friend about all this. i feel like i talk too much about myself nowadays. or talk too little or too boringly on others. but then i reread ts i used to say back/how i used to say it and i think ? i prefer us now ??

HA nah. im sure its the insecurity talking. i really do love her. she is the one and only i know will stick around no matter what. no matter how boring or how angry i get she does not hate my guts. i wish i didnt like her so much tbh. it makes me angry how angry i get with her sometimes. i cant help myself when i notice something off. shes the one person i can openly express my frustrations without consequence. but i take it too far cause of it. ive had no experience with that sorta shit. i try to be better to her cause of it. i think its only fair. the junk ive put her through this last year.. the rage ive thrown at her. thee inattentiveness. selfish. ive been too focused on making myself feel better that ive let her sting because of it. i want to make it up tenfold. she deserves more. and if i cant have her in the way i want her, i will do my best in whatever place she wants me in instead. for now, thats been a more casual friendship. she doesnt talk to me as much about her feelings. her heart is really broken about her ex. as much as i dont understand what she sees in her i know that she needs her time to bounce back. i think shes getting it out of her new person. she talks about how annoying she finds her and how she disrespects her boundaries a lot. they broke up almost immediately. but she stuck around because she felt obligated to and now i think theyre building something better. hopefully. i dont meddle as much now. i dont want to hear it + prying shit from her is NOT worth the effort. when shes ready, shes so eloquent. i love listening to her talk. even when its about nothing

im gonna stop babbling about her now. i wish i wasnt so close with her i swear i make myself disgustingly obvious.. anyway. i bring up all that to say, her battery is dead. i want her to focus on making herself feel better for now. she needs to stop overextending herself so damn much. i wont let myself be another burden for her to bear. though with such a giant rush of new feelings and a single person that i know loves me no matter what.. its kinda hard

i wish that i could talk through everything with her. if only it were that easy.

i think im going to relapse not gonna lie. it makes no sense not to. ig for my health but aside from that? itll help me feel more careless. i wont need to cut myself, i wont need to blow up, i wont need to think anymore. i can just focus on acting sober annnd holding down a job. much easier than holding back whatever this is now. if this could come out of me without leaving a broken mess, i would. but if i ever told anyone my true feelings id make them sad. i need to lash out to gain the momentum to bring it up.

im gonna stop writing now. i feel like ill go on forever again.. its just been tangent after tangent

[princessconsuela120]

✿ALL GROWN UP✿

—✿

Summary: you and Jacob’s daughter has her first day of preschool tomorrow, but Jacob doesn’t think he’s ready for his baby girl to go to school just yet.

Warnings: literally none. Maybe pregnancy, otherwise it’s just pure dad Jacob fluff

Author’s Note: Might make a second part to this one. It’s just too cute not too. I actually love the thought of girl dad Jacob, like it’s a deep love of mine. Let me know if you would want a part 2, cause I’d probably need the inspiration. Enjoy guys!

—✿

“NO, I DON’T WANNA GO.” Your daughter shouted, crossing her arms and shaking her head in her spot. Jacob sighed, chuckling a bit at how cute her reaction was. It was the night before your daughters first day of preschool, which she seemed all too excited about until now. She hadn’t shut up about it all summer long except now, preschool seemed like the worst thing ever. Jacob had done everything he always did when tucking your daughter in for sleep, he kissed both her cheeks, he said Goodnight to all her stuffed animals, he had changed her into her comfy pajamas…but when he asked her if she was excited for preschool tomorrow, and his heart broke when her bottom lip stuck out at the question.

“What do you mean lovey? You were so excited to go yesterday? Mommy even packed your lunch for tomorrow, pb&j your favorite.” He said, sitting on the side of her bed. She looked up at him, her big brown eyes identical to his staring up at him sadly.

“I don’t want to, anymore.” She said, her voice quiet and shaky. He nodded, not wanting to push her, knowing that if he sat there quietly long enough she would cave. In that sense, well, she was exactly like you. And there was no one Jacob knew better than you.

“Daddy?” She asked, her dark brown braids shaking as she looked over at him. He smirked, knowing he had won, and turned to look at her again.

“Yes lovebug?” He said, running his hand down her arm softly, trying to comfort her.

“What, if they don’t like me?” That one hurt. He frowned at her, hating seeing her small little four year old pout. Something about seeing kids sad man, it’s just ten times worse that that kid was his.

“What do you mean bug?”

“I mean, what if no one wants to be my friend, a-and I’m all alone. I don’t wanna be alone daddy, being alone is no fun.” She sauntered, looking down. Jacob sighed, moving over so your daughter could crawl into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, letting her muzzle her head into his chest.

“I wish you were small.” She said, making his heart break even more. He rested his head on hers, hugging her tighter.

“I know buddy, me too.” He kissed the top of her head, rubbing her back slightly before pulled away, having your daughter sit in front of him while he put his hands on her shoulders. In terms of genes, she looked exactly like her father. It’s crazy actually, the only similarity she had to you was the fact that she was a girl, and the shape of her eyes.

“It’s okay. Because, you’re gonna make so many friends, everyone’s gonna love you, because my girl is the best.” He smiled at her, but she only gave him a small smile back. “Besides, if anyones mean, you can always fart in their backpacks.” Your daughter erupted into giggles, making Jacob laugh along. How could he not, she was too adorable.

He picked your daughter up, tickling her to make her laugh harder before finally letting up, moving off the bed before tucking her back in.

“Goodnight lovey.” He called from the door. Your daughter smiled at him.

“Goodnight daddy, I love you this much.” She cheered, holding her arms out as far as she could. Jacob shook his head, chuckling again. She was his girl, every night she’d do this, he was just so happy she was his.

“Oh yeah?” He asked, holding his arms out, “Well I love you this much!” He cheered back. She raised her eyebrows, giggling.

“No fair! Your arms are bigger than mine!” She giggled. Jacob shrugged his shoulders, the four year old girl falling back in bed as she laughed.

“That’s just cause I love you more.” He countered. She shook her head.

“Well I love you this much times infinity plus 5, so I win!” She shouted, the sleeves on her matching Winnie the Pooh pajamas lifting up on her arms the further she held them out. He laughed, shaking his head as he looked down.

“You always do.” De smiled up at him with her toothless grin, her cute little dimples poking out.

“Good night daddy.” She called out again. She blew Jacob a kiss and he pretended to catch it, placing it close to his heart before closing the door. He sighed, making his way to your shared room.

“What?” You asked, sitting up when he entered the room. He pulled the door closed behind him, shaking his head.

“Nothing.” He said, furrowing his eyes Ross, pretending he didn’t have a sad expression on his face when he walked in. You tilted you head, raising an eyebrow at him.

“You think you can get that sad look past me?” She asked teasingly. Jacob rolled his eyes playfully, laying down in bed next to you by your 6 month pregnancy bump.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he said, placing a soft kiss to the top of your stomach.

“Jacob, love,” you said softly, rubbing your fingers through his hair. “Just tell me what’s wrong.” He looked up at you, pouting before resting his forehead on you bump, fake crying into it. He shook his head before looking back up at you, his eyes sad.

“I don’t want her to go to preschool tomorrow,” he whined, dramatically pouting even more. His lip began wobbling slightly, making you pout back. “Why does she have to grow up? I swear, she was just a baby like, a month ago, why can’t she just stay my baby forever?” You sighed, chuckling a bit before cupping his cheek with your hand. He kissed your palm, his eyes never leaving yours. He puffed out a breath of air, shaking his head before sitting up.

“Pretty soon, she’ll be off the college and I’ll be all alone.” He rambled, burying his face into the side of your stomach. You chuckled again as Jacob groaned loudly into your stomach. He placed a few soft kisses to it before placing his hand on top.

“Ugh, promise me this one’s gonna be a baby forever.” He said, and you sighed, placing your hand above his on your stomach.

“I can’t promise that one.” You said, giving him a guilty look. He breathed out in defeat.

“Why must you crush my dreams?” He asked, looking up at you with squinted eyes, giving you a teasing look. You laughed again, always smiling and happy and laughing around him. You knew your daughter was sleeping peacefully just a room over. You knew it was because Jacob was the wonderful man he was that you both were happily together, anticipating your next baby together. You knew that it was because of Jacob that all your happiness in life had been restored. That no matter what he’d be there, always, he would. For as long as you both are living, you knew he’d be there.

“You’ll always have me?” You said, though it came out as more of a question. He smiled up at you, sticking out his pinky.

“Promise?” He asked, raising his eyebrows. You smiled, linking your pinky with his. Jacob moved up closer in bed, and you kissed his cheek as he did.

“Promise.” You reassured, making him smile widely before pulled you into a kiss. You knew everything would be fine, that Jacob would grow used to your daughter being in preschool, that he’d realize you still had 12 years until she went off to college, that she wasn’t really all grown up like he thought she was. And he knew that everything would be okay, that his little girl wasn’t in fact leaving him alone. Well, that is until you both drop your daughter off at preschool tomorrow morning. Now that should be interesting.