#i hate my poor emotional regulation. i hate my disability

[theladyofbloodshed]

Hi! saw you are a teacher, may i ask how you choose to be one (if you don't mind 👉👈)? I am considering pedagogy but my experience with teachers when I was a kid weren't very good, as i was the "shy quiet lonely exclueded" kid in a class of louder kids, and the few times i got accepted by my classmates the teachers would scold me for talking too much but tell nothing to the other kids, i even remember one saying she didn't expected that kind of behavious coming from me as i was so behaved, and i was always the buffer for the most misbehaving kids, which i always hated

I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s so sad :(

I will write a very long biography

Uh I kind of got here by accident! I never wanted to be a teacher lmao. Basically, I studied psychology for my bachelors then switched to the sport science department for my masters and studied applied sport and exercise psychology. My dream was to work in sports. I was running a blog all about sport psychology and relating it to ice hockey and football based on current issues and applying like mad to jobs relating to sport and exercise but could find nothing. You need a lot of experience for these jobs but I grew up poor and couldn’t drive so I was working 40 hours a week, walking an hour to work and an hour back so didn’t have the time to walk elsewhere and volunteer. I’m not from a big place so there weren’t any sports team other than little local ones so I’d have had to take a train in the evening etc and I gave up.

Ended up getting so frustrated I just became an au pair. Moved to Denmark. Did try applying to volunteer with sports clubs but nobody ever got back when I tried to contact.

Came home and was working at greggs. Best job ever. I then started working at my local sports centre where I had to increase attendance amongst hard to reach groups, primarily elderly and disabled people. I really enjoyed that. I helped grow our local disability sport group, introduced trampolining to it, set up archery sessions etc. I also had a drop in club for over 60s where we played sport and had a chat over a cup of tea. Brought along dementia groups and prostate cancer groups to talk to them. (I still have a picture of us all up on my fridge when we went to London).

We had redundancies and I also ended up running the children’s club that ran in the school holidays. I had to do all the planning and did extra hours helping to run it (some weeks I was doing like 80 hours lmao).

I’ve always loved kids and I really enjoyed that part but I wanted more than just playing dodgeball with them. My boss was also a bit of a nightmare so I found a job as a TA in a school. I did that for 4 years and felt bad that I had a masters degree and was “just” a TA. At the same time, I wasn’t “just” a TA. Maybe in the past they washed up paint pots and listened to children read. Yeah, I made sure everything was photocopied and trimmed and supported lower ability kids in lessons but also I ran interventions that I planned for memory, phonics, fine motor skills, speech and language, emotional regulation. I was the first person they’d come to when they’d been in trouble or something awful had happened at home. I dealt with major safeguarding incidents, had to speak to aggressive parents, deal with things that massively shocked me about their home life whilst remaining professional. I’ve had diabetic children I’ve had to inject with insulin even on residential trips where I was their “parent” for 5 days straight, epileptic children who I’ve had to give medicine to daily, children who use wheelchairs that I’ve had to take to the toilet and change their nappies.

Then I got a promotion to cover classes as I’d done it a lot during covid when people were off. It was a massive learning curve but thankfully I already knew every child in the school and I was loved so they’d cheer when I walked through the door. I’ve worked with lots of teachers and seen great ones and good ones and different tactics and techniques. My mantra to them is “we have to do the boring bit before we do the fun bit”. We get the work done to a good standard and we can play a game, go outside etc. They know my rules!

I switched schools and now I am still covering but I get to plan the lessons I cover so it’s another step up. I teach every class but different subjects eg geography in one year group, religion in another. It’s more fun as I can decide how to deliver the lesson and can make it more engaging. I know the children a bit better now I’ve been there for a few weeks so I know what they’ll enjoy.

For me, I need to know the classes well. I get the energetic kids who can’t sit still to hand out books or sheets. I get the lowest ability children who can’t access the lesson to help me click things on the board so they’re still part of it. I get the shy children to whisper me the answer and I will tell the rest of the class. I’m very much adaptive to the class I have so they can all access it.

I love it although I do feel like I’m wasting my masters still. The money isn’t great. When I grew up, school was my safe place. I had a lot going on at home and school was stable and safe. It was really hard to leave my old school because I had children in difficult situations who also saw school as safe. They saw me as their safe adult who they could hug and cry on and ask to go for a private chat when things became too much. I think for me that was the most important part of my job and the thing that mattered most.

So that is how I ended up teaching! I think teaching depends a lot about the children and staff you work with. Some classes I’m like yay! I have them today! Other times I’m like “this afternoon is about me surviving them”. It’s fun and varied but also hard work. I don’t have a TA with me ever which is hard!

[wronggalaxy]

If I tried hard enough and did a million therapies(mental, physical, occupational, etc.) then I could be a 'normal' person. I could go more than twelve hours without a meltdown or panic attack, I could order at restaurants, I could defend myself, I could improve my quality of life/life expectancy, I could get rid of some of my disabilities, I could cook and clean and care for myself, etc. But, I don't want to.

I don't want to do therapies, I don't want to use accommodations, I don't want to be physically or emotionally or mentally healthy.

I want someone to cook for me, feed me, change me. I want to be reliant on someone to exist.

Why do I have to waste time and money and energy just to be alone forever?

Will they love me? No. Will they resent me? Yes. But will I have anyone without them? No.

I don't care if they abuse me, starve me, leave me sitting in my own waste for hours, etc. it's nothing I haven't experienced before. As long as they don't leave me I don't care.

Humans are social creatures, I can't be alone. Don't make me be alone.

Independence is a one way ticket to being alone, so I can't be independent.

I'm not social or funny or witty enough to make friends. I don't have any safe family. I expect my boyfriend to break up with me within the next few months.

If I don't have a carer I'll have no one.

I hate being alone. And I'm not developed enough to be alone, but becoming developed enough to be alone will make me alone.

I guess I could handle it then, but I don't want to.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that if you forced an 8 year old with poor social and emotional regulation skills to learn a lot about how shitty the world is(climate change, racism, etc.), then mixed in some mental health conditions and various disabilities, you'd get me. Except I'm halfway through high school, I'm supposed to be better than this.

I want to be worse.

[that-bi-bitch-writes]

A Cursed Reality-JJK x M!Reader (Ch.2)

Question: Do you guys prefer longer chapters or shorter chapters? I’ve been making an effort to write longer chapters but if you hate reading them I’ll write them less.

Warnings: fluff, comparison of Inumaki’s speech to a disability/handicap, cursing. Dislike of Maki (Not me. wrong bitch. I love her)

Previous || Next

Chapter Two:

[Name] actively dislikes hanging out with the second years. Not that they’re bad people in any way, it’s just he’s anxious and awkward, and even after spending a year familiarizing himself with the school and the people in it, there’s like a small group of people he would invite to his birthday party.

That and he just doesn’t care for Maki Zen’in. And it is most definitely mutual. To him, she’s just pretty. She also won’t die in a battle between her and a curse below first grade. But that’s about the end of her appeal. Of course, Panda is fun to tease but he typically plays the peacemaker between the second years. [Name] would rather not care about people in peace.

There’s no dramatic reason to it all, it’s just [Name] didn’t really come to Jujutsu Tech by choice so he hadn’t intended on making friends. He obviously failed considering he befriended Inumaki within his first day and they have some homoromantic vibes going on in their friendship.

That’s not to say you can’t platonic cuddle with your best friend but when you longingly gaze into each other’s eyes and he’s the only friend you’ve made besides an annoyingly hyper 30-year-old because no one else understands you like he does… And it kind of goes both ways considering you’re the only person he trusts himself enough to have a full-on conversation with.

Yeah, it’s not looking very good for the argument that they’re not gay. They’re not though. At least not now.  

“[Name]”

“Yeah toge?”

“You look like you’ve got something on your mind” Inumaki responded. And although he had plenty of experience saying words, having a conversation without using safe words felt a little weird. It was an aspect of who he was now and [Name] being immune to the cursed speech wouldn’t erase the problems he had with talking and it didn’t make [Name] his savior or soulmate.

Luckily [Name] was both lonely and not a complete asshole because he had no problems adapting to the switch between Toge’s ‘onigiri glossary’. Learning it was actually a really fun experience because it turns out Inumaki did not have the exact translation of all his safe words. He would just say an ingredient and [Name] had to fill in the blanks. There was a lot of trial and error and a lot of [Name] smiling down at Inumaki’s concentrated face.

“I was just thinking.” [Name] broke the contemplative silence.

“Hmm”

“You know” [Name] started again “... They say it was believed people kept their souls in their throats” and as Inumaki gave a confused denial (“fish flakes”) [Name] was internally panicking on whether or not he should keep going with this specific train of thought or make a joke to deflect from the very real and emotional but corny statement he was about to utter.

“Ah fuck it. I want to exercise the curses in the world or at least enough to keep you safe so you don’t keep damaging your soul when you use your cursed technique”

“Sujiko”

[Name] looked at Inumaki. And as if breaking off pieces of his soul didn’t matter to him, Inumaki spoke, a short sentence that stunned [Name] into silence

“I love you”

If Gojo hadn’t come in, they might’ve kissed.

“[Name]-kun!!!”

Aaaand [Name]’s sentimental mood was gone. Don’t get him wrong, Gojo definitely would get an invite to [Name]’s birthday party, but the man was like 30 running around being overly cheerful and with that teasing nature he was definitely repressing some trauma. He also definitely had some of the worst timing

“What is it Gojo?”

“No sensei at the end? So mean!

“Fushiguro was sent out to find a cursed object but he’s been out all day with no calls back home or anything. Of course I plan on going to check on my beloved student, but I am busy for the next hour or so. Can you please check on him? For your favorite sensei?”

“My favorite sensei is actually Nanami and he’s not even a sensei but yeah I’ll check on the emo kid”

‘You’re pretty emo yourself dude’ Gojo thought to himself

“Ah Thank you [Name]-kun. You’re a lifesaver” Gojo called out behind him as he left to do whatever it is crazy white haired ‘old’ men do.

‘He’s/I’m totally not doing this for free’ both [Name] and Inumaki thought at the same time.

[Name] got up suddenly and started getting ready to leave paying no attention to Inumaki who watched him get ready with a casual interest. Before [Name] headed out, he turned to look at Inumaki with a serious and concentrated expression.

“Toge.”

“I love you”

“What the hell happened here?”

“....”

“Fushiguro-kun, if you please”

“Well I only know half of the story so it’s best if we hear it from Itadori”

All eyes whipped to the shirtless Yuji who had just gotten control of his body back from Sukuna, the apparent king of curses.

“I’d say it started when I went to school this morning but I think it started a little earlier for Fushiguro. Right Fushiguro?” Yuji asked

‘I swear I’m going to explode if someone doesn’t tell me the how we got this far I mean Fushiguro is bleeding from his head, this pink haired enthusiastic kid is possessed and I can’t tell if he’s too sweet to care or if he lost a few of his brain cells when he and the little emo first year wrecked this building’ [Name] thought to himself.

Clearing his throat he began “Well okay Fushiguro has a lot of really bad injuries so is it okay with you if he just quickly shares his part and then you take over?”

“Ohh Yeah that makes sense” Itadori awed and both he and [Name] turned their attention to poor Megumi who was bleeding from his forehead.

“Yesterday I was sent to retrieve a special grade cursed object and when I got there it was gone. Gojo sensei told me I couldn’t go home until it was recovered. The next day I stalked around the school and investigated when I saw Yuji for the first time.”

“Oh I remember that. It’s my turn to take over now. Uhh. I was in the occult club with my senpais Sasaki and Iguchi and we were asking the spirits about which animal the Student Council President was weaker than ( a fish) and then he burst in the room because he didn’t approve of our club-”

“Fast forward please” [Name] interrupted

“Fushiguro found me after my grandpa died and told me Iguchi and Sasaki were in danger because of the finger so I led him to the school where they said they were going to peel off the seal”

“And that’s why we’re here” [Name] surmised

“So what’s the situation”

“Gojo-sensei”/ “Old Man what are you doing here?” Megumi and [Name] called out

“I wasn’t gonna come but the higher ups got involved. I knew you’d all be fine though, I sent [Name] here to deal with it.”

“That’s true” Fushiguo mumbled

“I’m glad you all have faith in me” [Name] started “But that means I came here for absolutely nothing”

“... So did you find it?” Gojo asked

“Um sorry.... I ate it”

Gojo who didn’t hear the whole introduction and [Name] who didn’t quite get to the eating of the finger part in the story turned to Yuji in shock

“For real”

“For real”

“Haha you’re not kidding. They’re combined. How does your body feel?” Gojo asked Yuji

“Okay”

“Can you switch to Sukuna?”

“Sukuna?” Yuji asked

“The curse object you ate”

“Oh yeah. Probably”

“Ten seconds” gojo said “Take control again after ten seconds”

“I dunno about this”

“Don’t worry. I’m the strongest Jujutsu sorcerer”

Megumi looked to [Name] after hearing a curious “hmm” but [Name]’s face showed no anger or displeasure.

“Megumi hold onto this will ya” Gojo’s voice bled through Megumi’s thoughts of who would win between [Name] and Gojo. Give it a year or two and it might actually be [Name].

“What’s this?” Megumi asked

‘It better be a fucking weapon’ [Name] thought ‘Because if he sent me out because his important business was shopping he’s gonna regret it’

“Kikufuku Mochi” Gojo replied casually before feeling bloodlust leaking from [Name]. He’ll just have to make it up to the second year somehow

“Behind you” Fushiguro called out and [Name] sucked his teeth hoping Gojo would get hit at least once. He did not get his wish once

“I’ve got a student watching so..I hope you don’t mind if I show off a little bit” . And after that Gojo commenced kicking Sukuna’s ass. Sukuna tried to monologue a little as he sent out a powerful attack, but he missed Gojo on account of Gojo’s infinity dispelling the attack. By the time Sukuna realized Gojo was unharmed it was time for Yuji to switch back.

“Oh was everything okay?” Yuji asked as he came to his senses.

“Oh what a surprise” Gojo responded “You really can control it”

“Yeah, but he’s kind of annoying”

“It’s a miracle that’s the only side effect” Gojo said right before knocking Yuji out with one finger

“If he wakes up and isn't possessed, he might have potential as a vessel. Okay question for you two. What do I do with him?”

“Even if he is a potential vessel… He must be executed under jujutsu regulations…

“But I don’t want to let him die”

“Is that a personal opinion? Gojo asked

“Yes, a personal opinion. Please do something about it.

Gojo smiled and the two of them turned their attention towards [Name] who had been silent throughout the whole experience.

‘Besides being a little too excitable, he’s not bad. Like a puppy. I’d keep him as a pet.’ [Name] thought

“Don’t kill him” he said

“A precious student's request. And one from my favorite second year? Of course. Leave it to me!” Gojo said before lifting Yuji up.

[Name] still a little upset he was called away for nothing, raised his hand in front of his mouth so gojo couldn’t see what he was doing and whispered

“Fall over”

“Aak! [Name]-kunnn”

Fushiguro was shocked to see Gojo faceplant on the ground with Yuji on his shoulder. If the combination of Fushiguro’s wide eyed expression and the sight of Gojo in pain made [Name] giggle a little, he’d never admit it.

[citrineghost]

On ADHD, Being Dramatic, and Being Lazy

Gather round everyone. It’s time for our every-few-monthsly post on ADHD by your local ADHD ghost. In this episode, we’re talking about ADHD and how it relates to “being dramatic” and “being lazy.”

On Being Dramatic

No doubt a lot of you have been told you’re being dramatic over the years. I know I have. There are a lot of reasons one might be dramatic, but they’re rarely about the drama.

If I’m to guess the origin of the word dramatic, I’d guess it probably has something to do with over exaggerating your response for the drama. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of people being dramatic - on tiktok and vine, on youtube... drama calls for dramaticism.

Do you want to know what isn’t dramatic? Genuine reactions. That’s right - genuine reactions, inherently, cannot be categorized as dramatic or hyperbolic. There is nothing about them that is being overdone with the intention of getting attention or entertaining other people. So, let’s talk a bit about how this conflation has hurt us as a community.

Growing up, everything I did was “dramatic.” Crying because I didn’t want to do more chores was dramatic. Having a panic attack because there was a spider in the room was dramatic. Freaking out because I needed people to stop touching me was dramatic. Getting angry when my mother made jokes about my sex life as a teen was dramatic (and apparently abusive, but that’s neither here nor there). Nothing I did that involved a noteworthy amount of emotion was anything, if not dramatic.

On Being Lazy

I know a lot of you have also been labeled as lazy over the years. “Lazy” is the diagnosis everyone loves to give to those who don’t do enough, in their eyes. If you “could have” done something and then “chose not to,” you’re lazy... right?

Growing up, I was lazy too. I was lazy for avoiding housework. I was lazy for not wanting to brush my teeth. I was lazy because I didn’t turn in my homework. I was lazy for staying in bed, on my computer, most of the day.

If I’d only just “applied myself,” or if I would just “put in the work,” then I would be respectable to the people around me. But, because I wasn’t “willing” to put in the time and effort, I was lazy.

Why Is Emotion Dramatic?

The short answer is: it’s not. The real question is, why do people seem to perceive emotion as being dramatic? These are real emotions, after all - real and genuine feelings that are being dismissed as playacting. There are a number of reasons.

Why Are We Lazy?

Again, the short answer is: most people aren’t. The question here is, why do people see others not doing something and assume it’s because they simply don’t want to put in the work? Why do they not seek out an explanation or consider other alternatives? There are a number of reasons for that too.

The Answer...

Editing to put a Read More here because it’s very long

(TW for each of these sections in their name)

1. Sexism

At its core, seeing emotional outbursts or responses as dramatic is inherently rooted in sexism. Whether you’re a boy or a girl, man or woman, if your emotions are being mocked, it’s almost definitely because of our world’s history of sexism and relating emotion to women, who are “illogical” and “just want attention.”

And “real men” work! They work hard! They work long hours! They put themselves into an early grave, with pride, by never sitting down to rest! For this very reason, women, housewives of decades past, were expected, after a long day of doing housework and caring for the children - things that are just as exhausting as a full time job - to dote on their husbands who had just returned from work expecting a hot meal and a beer to be ready for them. Her work is devalued. It wasn’t grueling or tiring or important. It was just “women’s work.” A wife who does all of the housework and child rearing and fails to provide a hot meal and a warm body to her husband is “lazy.”

This is further shown to affect men as well. We can see, as early as non-manual labor-based jobs existed, the men who took them were lesser. Men who work at computers are seen as nerds and geeks - weak. Men who work in universities, coming up with new solutions to our medical needs and discovering the mathematics we need for space travel and advanced technology - they’re weak too. They’re unimportant to society because they’re not willing to get their hands dirty. Those men who prefer artistry are called gay and seen as disposable. It is irrelevant to the conservative man that his artistic counterpart designs everything that fills his home and office - that without artists we would have nothing.

2. Racism and classism

You might be surprised, but racism and classism both have their hands in this as well. I’m talking full on systemic oppression. The ability for people in power to look down on those they see as beneath them for being emotional or passionate about a topic or incident is all about power. You can see a million examples of this today. POC are called dramatic or are implied to be blowing things out of proportion by conservative white people because they want equal rights and feel they’re being treated unfairly. Their emotions are dismissed as irrational and dramatic. 

The cries of the poor, whether white or of color, are mocked. They have no reason to be having the emotions they’re having because they wouldn’t be in the position they’re in if they weren’t “lazy.” After all, only lazy people don’t have money. Only lazy people can’t get work. If they had just “applied themselves,” they would have an income, a home, and ample food on the table.

3. Ableism

And, last but not least, we have ableism. The neurotypical and abled people of the world, at large, cannot understand the experiences of the disabled, both emotionally(those with mental illnesses, disorders, and so on(whether or not certain disorders can be categorized as a disability in a just society is another topic entirely, but they are regarded that way, generally)) and physically.

If you have sensory overload, you are being irrational. It doesn’t matter to a NT if this is caused by an actually chemically different response in your brain. It doesn’t matter if it’s Real To You. To them, it doesn’t make sense, and so you deserve no compassion for your experience. Your emotional response is dramatic.

If you have executive dysfunction, you are simply choosing not to do your work. It doesn’t matter that there is an actual reason, buried in you somewhere, for why you have become Stuck. It doesn’t matter if you feel crippled by this aspect of your life. They see that you have neglected to do something they deem easy. Therefore, you are “lazy.”

ADHD and Being Dramatic

For those of us with ADHD, being called dramatic is a very familiar experience. After a while, we begin to internalize it. We must be dramatic, right? After all, so many different people have told us we are - and for good reason. We do tend to get overly emotional.

So the question is, why? Why do we get overly emotional? Why are our emotions so much different than those of our NT peers?

1. Lack of Emotional Regulation

A big part of ADHD, which is not yet a diagnostic criteria, is our emotional disregulation. ADHD, inherently, comes with some amount of disregulation in our emotions. We have a hard time controlling the emotions that we feel and managing the intensity of them. They may come across as overly intense, or they may seem subdued, both for reasons we can’t possibly figure out as individuals. This disregulation is entirely out of our control, happening at a neurological level. Our brain chemicals don’t work as they should. But, no matter how unregulated our emotions are, they are still real. We do still feel them, exactly as intensely as we think we do. Disregulated does not mean made up.

2. RSD

If you knew about RSD before, or you’ve read my last post on ADHD (under my tag adhdghost), which has gained some popularity, you already know what this means. For those who don’t, RSD is short for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This condition plagues something like 99.9% of people with ADHD (while not being ADHD exclusive.) It comes with the lack of emotional regulation and means we have a reaction, that seems out of proportion (or “dramatic”), relative to the thing that caused it.

In short, RSD episodes can look like an entire breakdown, a very sudden loss of any self esteem or confidence, the feeling that you are certain someone now hates you or has secretly always hated you, and/or an immediate need to get rid of the thing that caused it. These episodes are caused by any kind of perceived failure or disappointment. They can be caused by someone whose opinion or relationship we value who gives us a slightly judgmental look, someone saying they don’t understand why we like the thing we’re interested in, or even not living up to our own expectations. These episodes frequently lead to emotional outburts, episodes, breakdowns, and tears. Naturally, all of this is “dramatic,” despite it being very real and painful for those experiencing it.

3. Combination with Other Things

Emotional disregulation can interact with other parts of our lives as well. For instance, I have a lot of phobias. My reactions to seeing or being around the things that terrify me can be even more intense than how most people react to their phobias. They can cause anxiety attacks, emotional breakdowns, and lasting fear for hours or days after. My recovery from these instances is hindered by my inability to regulate the feelings they caused.

Emotional disregulation can also interact with triggers, trauma, sensory problems, etc.

ADHD and Being Lazy

And of course, if you struggle with ADHD, you want to know, “Why am I so lazy?” The answer is: you’re not! Laziness is a made up word. Laziness was created to pass blame onto people who struggle to do things that more typical people can accomplish with ease.

So, what is the reason we struggle to do these seemingly simple tasks?

1. Executive Dysfunction

This is The Big One. Of all the things that can cause an inability to do things, executive dysfunction is the Achilles heel of ADHD. Because ADHD causes a difficulty with prioritizing, rewarding actions with no immediate reward, and creating a list of steps for us to take (something that comes naturally to NT people), we sometimes get “Stuck.”

This feeling of being stuck may look like us just having fun and avoiding our responsibilities. You may be Stuck right now, scrolling through tumblr mechanically even though you’ve been needing to pee for three hours. Naturally, you’ve been wanting to go to the bathroom... you just don���t know how.

To a NT, this sounds ridiculous. “Just get up and go?!” I’m sure you can imagine your parents saying, when they simply don’t understand. The truth is, tumblr can be a nightmare for executive function. It endlessly scrolls, giving you post after post. There’s no natural stopping point. You keep an eye out for a natural end to this activity, but it’s hard to find the right post to stop on. If you find those, “This is your sign to go to bed,” posts helpful - otherwise locked into the activity of scrolling regardless of whether you want to - you might be struggling with executive dysfunction.

This inability to “queue” our actions or prioritize what we need to do, and in what order, can wreak all kinds of havoc in our lives. You remember you didn’t really understand that equation the math teacher explained earlier. You know today’s homework is related to its use. Therefore, you cannot start your homework. There are a number of possible solutions floating around your head. Maybe the book will explain it better. Maybe your parents know how to do this and you could ask them. Maybe you could Google it. It’s possible the homework is about something else. But, if it is, what if you don’t understand that? Maybe you should ask your teacher before class?

Even though you have all of these solutions in your head, because you don’t know which solution is the best solution, you find yourself unable to do any of them. You show up to class with no homework and your teacher gives you a disappointed look. “I don’t understand why you don’t just apply yourself more. You’re a very smart student.” The remark brings you to holding back tears, because you want, with every fiber of your being, to apply yourself and make your teacher proud, but you simply don’t know how.

This is the destructive nature of executive dysfunction, and it is not something to be taken lightly.

2. Distraction

For those with ADHD, the inability to regulate external stimuli makes focusing incredibly hard. You wake up one morning and plan to start that English paper after breakfast. You go to get yourself some cereal. You’re out of milk. You decide to make toast instead. You burn your toast because you lost track of time for just 30 seconds. You go to throw it away, feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt over the two pieces of bread you wasted. The trash is overflowing. You decide to take it outside. It’s a really nice day out. Maybe you should take your dog for a walk. You haven’t taken her on a walk in a while and you’re just now feeling motivated to, so you should take advantage of that. You go to retrieve your dog and take her for a walk. When you bring her back in, you go to get her treats from the shelf in the laundry room. Oh yeah, you’d been meaning to do laundry. You go to get your laundry hamper from your room and notice there’s a bunch of laundry on the floor. You begin picking up the laundry from the floor. You may as well tidy up the other things on the floor as well. You finally get around to taking your laundry to the washer. You’re out of soap. Maybe you ought to make a run to the grocery store. You take ten minutes to find your keys and wallet and then head out to the grocery store. When you get there, you’ve forgotten what it was you needed. “Oh, right! I’m out of milk!” You go and retrieve milk. When you get to the checkout and the cashier rings you up, you suddenly remember you need laundry soap. Well, it’s too late now. You’ll have to do laundry tomorrow. You can’t risk the cashier giving you a tired look by asking them to wait. You go home and make some cereal. You can’t really write while you eat, so you open tumblr. you scroll through tumblr for a while. Your cereal gets soggy, you notice, disappointed. You see a tumblr post reminding you that you forgot to order something important online that you need to get here as soon as possible. The day continues in this way until you finally realize at 5pm that you never started your paper. “It’s so late now... I’ll just start it tomorrow morning,” you tell yourself. Rinse and repeat.

If you relate to this, you might want to consider researching ADHD a bit, because this is a very typical ADHD experience.

3. Hyperfixation and Hyperfocus

The last prominent reason why people with ADHD are seen as lazy has to do with a cycle in hyperfixation and hyperfocus.

If you don’t already know, hyperfixations are those interests you have that fill you with an overwhelming love and which take up an incredible amount of your time, energy, and brain space. These could be fandoms, hobbies, characters, games, or otherwise.

Hyperfocus, on the other hand, can be related to hyperfixations or things that aren’t hyperfixations. Hyperfocus is when you get “locked in” on a task and can’t seem to put it down. If you started this post not knowing how long it was and find yourself still raptly reading, completely ignoring the world around you, you may have hyperfocused on it. If you ever start cleaning and just can’t stop until the whole house is clean, despite your lack of regularly cleaning for over a month, you are hyperfocusing on cleaning. If you write a 20k word fic in one night, you are hyperfocusing.

Hyperfocusing can leave you completely unaware of the world around you, causing you to neglect your own basic needs, such as food, bathroom breaks, water, and social interaction. 

Because people with ADHD are able to occasionally apply themselves to such an extreme degree, NT people don’t understand why ADHD people are unable to apply themselves to other things as well. The reason we can’t is because we do not regulate our hyperfocus. Hyperfocus comes from tasks that are giving us serotonin, to make up for our brains inability to give serotonin in the way it should - in the way NT brains do. Emptying the dishwasher just felt really good. The next thing you know, you’re filling it with more dishes and wiping off counters and sweeping the floor and, “oh god, it looks so nice what if I just-” and then you move on to the laundry and the living room and the bedroom and then somehow 6 hours have passed. You don’t know how it happened, but now your house is clean and you feel amazing... but also tired and hungry. So you go make some food and then pass out on the couch.

So, when NT people see this kind of laser focus, they demand to know why you couldn’t do that simple math assignment, or why you haven’t been returning their texts, or why you couldn’t apply the same level of energy and enthusiasm on that really boring geography project. They demand to know why you’re so “lazy” the rest of the time.

There’s also the element of hyperfixation. It is the ultimate distraction. Your parents tell you to do the dishes and you say you will. Suddenly, you’ve found a fanfiction about your hyperfixation and you can’t stop reading it. It’s 60k words long and it will take you all day, but you’ll find a break to do your chores somewhere in there, right?

Your mom is suddenly knocking on your door what feels like 5 minutes later, but it’s been an hour. She wants to know why you didn’t do the dishes yet. You’re upset at yourself, but you lash out at her, because you’re unable to regulate your emotions. “I’ll do it in a minute!” you say loudly from behind your door. She walks off, irritated. You ask yourself why you can’t just do it now. Why does it feel impossible to tear yourself away? Your hyperfixation is the ultimate creator of hyperfocus. It rules you.

Before you know it, it’s midnight. You’ve finished the fic. It was amazing. You realize with dread that you still haven’t done the dishes, so you sneak out to the kitchen, hoping your parents have gone to bed. They have, but you find the dishes have already been done by someone else. Suddenly, you’re holding back tears from the RSD episode this has triggered. You ruined everything. You disappointed your parents. You’re a lazy and terrible child and they deserve better.

The truth is, you’re none of those things. In fact, you’re struggling with one of the most difficult mental blocks someone can have. But to others, you’re just making excuses. To others, you should have been able to just do the dishes and then go back to reading. But you know it’s not that easy. But why?

It’s ADHD, Babey!

If this post is hitting hard in a way that feels like your life is being splayed out before you, you might just have ADHD.

The fact is you are not dramatic and you are not lazy. You are struggling with a lot of ADHD symptoms that are making functioning in a neurotypical world incredibly difficult. This world was designed by and for NT people. Your worth is not based in how you live up to their expectations.

If you think you might have ADHD, it might be time to ask your doctor about getting an ADHD evaluation. Please check out my last post (the one i mentioned is under my tag adhdghost) to get more information on RSD and on getting evaluated.

An Important Note

Many experiences and struggles caused by ADHD are also present in other disorders. For example, RSD can be seen frequently in autism as well as in anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Sensory overload, emotional disregulation, executive dysfunction, and so on, can all be present in things other than ADHD. If you want to know if you fit the criteria for ADHD, go check out the criteria on the ADDitude website, which is a great source for ADHD related information.

[chartreuse-gale]

Executive functioning: skills & challenges often ignored

This is an area that seems to frequently intersect with other neurological differences (going based on people that I know first hand). I’ve found executive functioning challenges common in other people with Autism Spectrum Disorder or Non-Verbal Learning Disorder as well as learning disabilities in general (although I know fewer people with learning disabilities in general than with ASD or NVLD) I’ve also heard from people who work with students with a variety of learning disabilities that executive functioning challenges are common in people who experience learning disabilities. They’re sort of an interrelated category of skills that relate to decision making, adaptability, and the pursuit of goals. They’re generally believed to be housed in the frontal lobe. There’s a lot of controversy over how many executive functions there are, what these should be called, and whether or not there are general areas that determine ability within a cluster of more specific executive functioning skills.

In my experience, most teachers and healthcare professionals don’t usually know about (or at least not take into account) executive functions and tend to blame people for outcomes or behavior that doesn’t fit in the box without considering them. An example of this is when a student who struggles with time management and planning gets detention for not completing their homework done because this outcome is judged by the teacher to be the result of the students laziness and/or defiance.

I’ve done a lot of thinking on my own executive functions. Here I’ve rated my own ability with some of the more commonly affirmed executive functioning skills from 0 to 10 with 0 being incapacitating, 10 being flawless, and 5 being somewhere in the middle . . . (As mentioned above, there are a lot of conflicting terms, definitions, and lists of executive functions)

 Time Management = varies between 4 & 6

I struggled a lot with time management. When I was in elementary and middle school I struggled an incredible amount with class homework and projects. Most of this had more to do with trouble with remembering things like bringing my homework home, doing my homework, and bringing it back to school as opposed to academic skills (I didn’t really have much trouble learning and doing work for school subjects, with the exception of math). I also had other things contributing to not getting homework done (various other executive functioning skills like initiating, social exhaustion, frustration with having to do more school after sitting in classrooms for 7 plus hours, etc), but my biggest issues related to making time for it, remembering to do it, and remembering to bring it with me. I was probably at a 1 or 2 in those days. I wasn’t at a point where I could even effectively use tools to help (e.g. a planner). I didn’t reach that point until my 2nd attempt at community college.

           I’ve probably put more effort into working on my time management skills than any area of executive functioning. Using a planner, I can now effectively operate at about a 6, but I can’t keep it up indefinitely and I can’t do it without actively focusing on it. Like with social interaction I need to take executive functioning breaks, to recharge my capacity for effective time management. When I’m feeling burnt out, and/or don’t have my usual tools I appropriate closer to a 4. Today I probably have the most trouble with overloading myself with too many things to do as opposed to forgetting to do things at a particular time.

  Task Initiation = 3

Task initiation is one of the two areas I struggle with the most. I have hard time getting things started unless I have external pressure breathing down my neck (e.g. work responsibilities, a promise to a friend). I feel like I’ve grown enough in this area that I can get started on things on my own initiative, and somewhat consistently get myself started on a daily basis to work on longer term tasks, but it’s often a long struggle for me and I often don’t succeed in getting started quickly, or even at all. Pushing myself to work through a long-term writing project for myself at a time when I didn’t have a lot of other demands (I wasn’t in work or school at the time) helped me to beef this up from what probably used to be a 1 or 2.

 Transitioning (shifting from task to task) = 3

The other area I struggle with the most. I have a lot of trouble with setting something unfinished aside and moving onto something else. Put another way I’m a poor juggler, or, put yet another way, a poor multitasker. I like to work at something until it’s done, then move onto something else. I often get lost in recreational activities until it’s time for me to go to bed and while I try at times to practice pulling myself away from a book, show, or video game, when the shit hits the fan, I find it works best If I take care of all my responsibilities for the day before I turn to R&R. It also really pisses me off when something crops up for me when I’m doing something for fun (e.g. I hated being called in to work, both the going in and working part, but also the phone company from somebody I can’t relax around [manager or boss] coming at me when I’m in a more vulnerable and relaxed state). It’s one of the areas that I tend to struggle more with in regards to emotional regulation which we may as well go into next.

 Emotional Regulation = 5

I feel like I’m pretty average at this compared to people I know in general. I’m not super great at it, but I can usually able to tolerate and moderate intense emotions when expressing them intensely could cause relational problems at work, etc. I tend to be better at holding back the signs than tolerating them on inside, probably partly due to growing up in the Man Box and partly due to trying to stonewall to level the playing field with people who can read faces and body language much better than I can (which is the majority of people I know). I tend to be particularly good at regulating anger and particularly bad at regulating anxiety. I’m working on the anxiety side of things.

 Meta-cognition (thinking about your thinking) = 8-ish

This is maybe the trickiest one to put a number to, mainly because many people think they know themselves better than they actually do, and it’s much harder to get a read on this from external validation (how do you know if someone’s opinion of how much/how well you think about your own thinking is more accurate than your own?). It makes it hard to make a case for thinking that you understand your own thinking better than most other people understand theirs. But, I think I’m around an 8 at my best guess. I do a lot of introspection. I think a lot about how my biases, experiences, statuses, and standpoint impact how I perceive the world around and how the differences between others and myself in these areas lead to differences in beliefs, perspectives, opinions, needs, etc. I also think a lot about my own behavior, motivations, and patterns of thinking and use this to plan for and pursue adjustments in myself.

  Working Memory = 4

I feel like I can hold fewer things in my head at once than most people, follow a shorter chain of logic, hold onto fewer pieces of information. I know people who can write down pages upon pages and keep it all in their head as their writing it, but I have to keep referring back to parts relating to the pieces that slip out of my head as I write. Speaking of writing, being able to record pieces of information and being able to read them later helps me when trying to express myself. That might contribute to my tendency to express myself more clearly through writing than speaking.

  Inhibition (i.e. not being Impulsive) = 6

I tend to have good Inhibition overall. Usually I’m pretty good at holding back from starting something that could be dangerous or problematic (e.g. violating a social norm). This tends to get worse when I’m feeling rushed. Usually I seem to run into the opposite problems: people get impatient with me, or I miss an opportunity, because I spend a long time thinking about a decision over before acting.

 Planning & Problem solving = 5

I tend to be pretty average at planning things out and finding solutions: organizing the steps in a project, looking at a challenge through different lenses, etc. Most of the trouble I run into in this area tends to stem from social anxiety (I can coordinate effectively with others, and often get pushed into a leading role, but I find it much less stressful to work things out on my own in most cases), or lack of time (due to overloading my plate). Often times I do miss things that are obvious to most people that would be good to take into account, but just as often I catch things that most people don’t notice that would also be good to take into account.

[wanderbitesbybobbie]

REAL TALK: Inside a Bipolar Mind Amidst a Pandemic

Three nights ago, I sent an e-mail to my psychiatrist. The e-mail went this way…

Hi, Dra. Belle. How are you? I hope you’re doing well and good and most of all healthy. I’m doing OK, with all the Covid 19 things happening. I just had 1 breakdown so far which I would really like to discuss with you on our next consult if there’s any slot available. I was scheduled for April 6 appointment, but if there’s any slot left for May, I would gladly take it. I’m not that anxious at the moment as I’ve been trying to avoid stressful news. Over all, I’m OK, except that I find it really hard to sleep again. Probably because I’m just at home, and I don’t have that much activities compared to my usual routine. I do cardio exercises, I write a lot for my blog, but because there’s longer time to rest, I really find it hard to sleep at night. I keep waking up with the body twitches again, and because of lack of sleep I’m usually irritable. I badly need to take Clonotril again. However, I can’t seem to find your latest prescription of Clonazepam (Clonotril), I’m not sure if there was one issued last March. I tried to show Mercury Drug the Feb 3 prescription which has been unused, but they said it’s already expired. They said, they will accept E-Prescription, so I have to ask my doctor for it. May I please request another copy of the prescription for Clonazepam? I still have my Quetiapine prescription and I was able to use it, I just dunno where I placed the Clonazepam. I know you always hand me 2 prescriptions every time. 1 for Quetiapine and 1 for Clonazepam. I’m just not sure if I misplaced the other one, or if I forgot to get a prescription for it last time. If it’s possible, please send it here on my e-mail. I only have 1 left in my stash and I’m a bit panicking because I can’t find the latest prescription. I attached here the photo of the February prescription. Thank you so much. Hope to hear from you soonest. Keep safe and God Bless.

I stood in front of the counter at my local pharmacy. It took them around half an hour before they were able to dispense my medication. Though my psychiatrist have issued the latest prescription, the pharmacist had to call the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency to verify how legit my papers were. Yes, it’s a usual practice. One of my medications is a controlled drug, and it is heavily regulated by PDEA. So I waited for the pharmacist until someone from PDEA answered their call. I kept calm. There was nothing I could do anyway.

SURVIVING THE QUARANTINE

It has been a month since the government decided to put the entire Luzon (northern part of the Philippines which includes Manila) on a community quarantine. All movements are limited. Mass transportation has been stopped. There are checkpoints everywhere. People from the private sector were asked to work from home. The government is badly trying to flatten the curve. Covid-19 has been winning for the last months. It has taken over the major economic centers of the world, USA, Italy, Spain, United Kingdom, China, Japan, it did not spare anyone. It took the rich and the poor, the old and the young. As of this writing, there are 2,215,167 Cases in the world, 149,676 Deaths, and about 560,672 has recovered according to Worldometers Info. It does not look good, wherever angle you would look at it.

I honestly don’t know where I stand, but I have a lot of things in mind. It’s 2:15 AM. If you would notice, most of my articles are posted at wee hours like this. Why? BECAUSE I HATE SLEEPING. I have recently discovered this during the time of this pandemic. I hate it when the clock strikes at around 12 midnight, that means I have to put myself to sleep again. Sleep is essential I know, but for someone like me who has a massive trouble sleeping, it’s not a pleasurable process. It comes with my disorder. My brain is hyperactive (manic) at this time. I am not like a normal person, who simply lies down in bed, tuck themselves comfortably in, and instantly falls asleep. I have to take heavy medications to put my relentless active brain cells to shut down. I have to wait for hours until they take effect. If sleeping is a dilemma for me, the same goes with waking up. It takes the same amount of effort to put me to sleep to be able to get me up to function.

But conversely, I am somehow liking the quarantine. It gives me so much time to be away from my tiresome daily hustle. I don’t have to go out everyday for work. I don’t have to wake up early to get multiple things done in a day. I don’t have to force myself to deal with people. I wake up, prepare breakfast, watch Netflix, prepare food for lunch and dinner, take photos of the food I make, maybe write for my blog, watch more movies, send some replies to client inquiries, and then prepare to sleep again. It has been my routine. Sometimes, I do the laundry, clean the house parts by parts, insert some cardio exercises every other day, give my dog a bath, run through our supplies and make a list of what needs to be restocked. It’s on repeat, sometimes I even lose track of what day it is. Some days I go on a grocery run to buy stocks for 2 weeks. The long queues had never been my problem as I have a disability ID allowing me to go on the priority lane. Then again, I have always thought about the people around me. Some, computing their budgets while they read-through their grocery lists. Some, fidgeting on their phones, maybe posting rants about the unbelievable lines they had to go through just to get inside the supermarket. I never experienced any of it, and for the first time, I say thanks to my disability. My PWD ID itself is a powerful immunity. I am thankful that I wouldn’t have to wait in line, as it would definitely increase my exposure to the virus. I am at high-risk, I am asthmatic, with so many deficiencies (according to my last lab results) and I’m taking medications for my brain. There is little chance for me to survive it, so I am taking extra precautions. But because of Covid, I became thankful for a lot of things. Things that never mattered before the pandemic. I am thankful that supermarkets are always restocked with supplies. People wouldn’t have to worry about scarcity. After all, that’s what the President promised. “We have enough food and supplies.” I am thankful I could drive my car. I wouldn’t have to carry heavy supplies from Point A to Point B with the absence of public transport. I am thankful for God’s grace and that we have enough. I am thankful that I can share and I wouldn’t have to cry for help and rely on the government. This pandemic has made me grateful for so many things more than ever.

Somehow, I am surviving the quarantine. I managed to endure with only 1 anxiety breakdown. I cried my constant worries away all my what-ifs. I was angry, I was worried, I was stressed. But at that time, my anxiety was less of a concern. There was a bigger predicament lingering throughout the globe and that was to stay at home to avoid the virus. I know I have to cope by myself, mainly because a trip to my psychiatrist would potentially expose me to the virus. My medications kept me stable and I am functioning well (so far, so good). When boredom strikes, I turn to writing and cooking. I have known my disorder for more than a year now, and it is clearly triggered by stress. A pandemic like this is an obvious trigger. I know I have to carefully eliminate things that would cause me to react.

REACTING TO SOCIAL DISTANCING AND ISOLATION

But there’s always a downside to every situation like this. As I walk inside the supermarket, I watched how people behaved like dormant zombies slowly pushing their carts. Except, they don’t have any human triggers that would make them agitated. With the quarantine going on, only one person per household is allowed to go out. They become the “tributes” as they brave the great outdoors to restock their supplies. Social distancing has been implemented. No one is talking to each other as they keep a safe distance from one another. Everyone wore their “gears” of protection. Wearing a face mask is the new norm.

10 minutes of this for someone with a major anxiety disorder can easily trigger a meltdown. Isolation stimulates sadness and depression and reduces the feeling of optimism. That is a fact. How do I know? Because I have experienced this first-hand. I always thank the people who take their time to read what’s on my Disability ID. “Mental and Psycho-social”, meaning I can go from zero to maximum breakdown at any given time. Bipolar Disorder (depressed or manic) can sometimes be activated without any clear external factors. Therefore, I cannot be left alone for a long time.

GREATER DANGERS ASIDE FROM THE VIRUS

I am lucky because somehow, I can still control my thoughts and my moods. Fortunately, I have not gone hysterical in public (yet and I hope not). My history of breakdowns have been in the corners of my house or within the walls of my room. Crying on the train or in the bus in Sydney does not count. I wasn’t hysterical. I have been applying everything from my therapies, from breathing exercises on how to calm down and talking to the people around me. I air out every feeling and emotion whether it’s happiness, sadness, excitement, fear, or whatever that comes in between. I still have a full-stock of my medications. Also, reading and writing has been my outlet. My extremely active mind has been converting somewhat manic thoughts to productivity, hence my multiple blog entries. I have a lot of things to say, so much in my mind, but I was taught in therapy that not everything needs a reaction.

Having a look around, there is no lucid conclusion with what lies ahead. Everything is not as stable as it seemed to be. No one was prepared. Everybody, including the most powerful are being challenged. It has become inevitable. But you know what greatly affects the world that seems to be unforeseen? People like me, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, are facing additional challenges. According to Psychology Today, only 2.5 % of the population share these challenges: MOOD ELEVATION AND FULL BLOWN MENTAL BREAKDOWNS. 2.5 % of the world is Bipolar, and God knows what kind of cognitive and behavioral efforts for stress management we undertake amidst a crisis like this. Let’s take everything into consideration, not only Bipolar Disorder, but the list of other Mental Disorders can go on and on.

What is equally concerning is the amount of people suffering from anxiety even without having a proper diagnosis. The pandemic has brought this upon us. More people have become anxious. For some reason, I find myself very lucky. I was already geared with coping mechanisms before this happened. What happens to those who cannot manage?

Looking into the vast expanse of uncertainty and seclusion leaves people to mull over things that could possibly transpire in the future, at the mercy of their confused train of thoughts. The world feels further away, with everyone having their own sets of worries. Fears become louder. It has become a very unhealthy environment.

General access to uninterrupted screen time increases the pressure on the mental health even more. Social media, the news, anything that frequently suggest or conveys to your conscious or unconscious mind that you might be in danger are considered “threats” to your sanity and causes more fear. Leaving our vulnerable minds bare to a steady stream of these keep us all in an anxious mode. The accumulation of stress-triggers to our brain can develop more pessimistic thought patterns, and unnecessary emotions towards our current circumstances.

I am reaching out to all my fellow Mental Health Advocates, and to everyone who can possibly read this post. These are indeed out of the ordinary times for us. As we come to the point that we impose measures to protect our physical health, how about we do the same for our mental health? Try to listen to ourselves in a deeper context. Remember, we don’t have to go through this alone. Seek help if you must. You might be required to keep a safe distance from people, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to disconnect.

KEEP CALM, KEEP SAFE AND MOST OF ALL HEALTHY, NOT JUST PHYSICAL, BUT MENTAL TOO. YOU ARE ALL IN MY MIND AND PRAYERS.

With Love From Quarantine,

    REAL TALK: Inside a Bipolar Mind Amidst a Pandemic was originally published on WanderBitesByBobbie

[astralmouseart]

I don’t know. I haven’t learned anything since that design quiz.

I lost faith in my ability to become a programmer.

Most of time I hate pure hatred towards vast majority of modern humans and their inhumanity. Their hatred for justice, their hatred for disabled people.

Today I played ArmA:CWA 10 times. I think about 2,5 hours in sum.

Again, I realised my disability is much more serious than I thought.

I thought I have problems learning only because of the terror the starvation worshippers subjected me over last years.

But, it was already there during CS college 7 years ago. I don’t know why I thought I’ll be able to learn normally when I won’t be threatened by starvation worshippers.

I guess it’s because of memory problems.

I can’t fully express how much I hate normies. They want all disabled people to die, because they believe in competition and everyone for themselves. Even if they are some kind of left, then they are usually maniacs of productivity anyway and hate disabled people for even putting a donation link on their tumblr.

The moral truth is that victims of psychological liquidation must be paid awesome compensations for loss of health and abuse and generous disability pensions and that all societies that fail to do so are inhuman monsters, not so called “innocents”. They are vicious ableist starvation-worshipping terrorists.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to make the game. I have trouble handling complex programming concepts due to damaged working memory and attention.

Psychiatrist already knew about it in 2004 but she haven’t offered any help. But she just constantly gave me shit about school and work because I wouldn’t be able to get disability pension because Poles young disabled people. The worst thing that she haven’t offered even minimal help like teaching me meditation. I just had to go to some group therapy with some stupid people whose only problem was that they are stupid, not any disability that would prevent them from working and studying.

I couldn’t get there on time just like I couldn’t get to school on time so they kicked me out. It’s not like they ever offered anything useful.

Everything was already set up in 2004:

“Psychological examination indicates above average intellectual level, disharmonious development.

Especially significant deficits were detected in language abilities and general informations (which can be connected to frequent absences at school) and graphomotorical skills of the patient. Psychological examination has shown significant deficits in durability of memory traces in fresh visual memory of patient, ability to focus at will and eye-motion coordination.

The deficits indicate presence of organic damage of the central nervous system of the patient.

An incorrectly formed, emotionally dis-regulated personality, incorrect internalisation of social norms [that probably refers to poor school attendance and performance, which was due to symptoms. Jesus Christ, why do psychologists have to be so fucking dumb?] and very high level of generalized anxiety, manifested in numerous somatic symptoms significantly limiting the functioning of the patient (everyday diarrhoea [which recently turned out to be caused by haemorrhoids], shaking body) was detected.

Due to the above anxiety disorders the patient could the patient couldn’t continue studying in day mode (long absences on somatic anxiety disorders background caused failing next classes).

Currently the patient is continuing studying in weekend high school.

Conclusions:

Due to emotional state the patient isn’t qualified to take up work.”

Everybody treated me like shit after I had to move to weekend high school except my mother, though she was/is also in denial and just talks about market being bad, not accepting that I’m disabled.

It’s wrong. When my father learned that I’m disabled he should have started securing funds for my living and instead he stopped paying child support told me to get a job and then had two new kids with yet another wife. Disgusting scumbag.

I can’t count on anyone and people in general hate disabled people and want them to die unless they have disabilities that don’t interfere with studying and working.

For last 9 years I was working for my mother’s company, but to be honest it worked out only because I was severely under-employed. Like doing 7 hours of work per week in the best, busiest years.

I don’t know where to find help. Almost all people just hate me for being disabled and want me dead. I don’t know where to find help. It’s just a fucking death sentence. I don’t know. It’s just so fucked up that I was chosen for this fate. And everyone just continues living their lives as if nothing happened.

It’s much worse than I thought. Last year I thought that I’ll be able to learn programming and get a job when I’ll be safe. I was safe for 8 months and it turned out that while I finally can learn, my ability to study is very limited, my reading speed is much slower than of other people on my intellectual level  - 3-4 x slower for complex texts and 2-3 x slower for simple texts and damaged with memory and attention makes absorbing information much harder.

I need to find help somehow, I don’t know where.

I need to find help somewhere, it can’t end like this. I should have happy life, not have to starve at 33/34.

FOR GOD’S SAKE, SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!

I started the program design course on 20170402. It took me 16 days to get through the first week, then I did a part of the 2nd week.

I think I stopped because a new edition of the course opened as a part of the micro-masters.

I started it again on 20170425 or 20170510, I’m not sure.

I got lost and I had to restart it on 20170621 and I’m doing it ever since. 6 months have passed and I have done only 7 modules, which were supposed to take a week, that 4-5 hours each.

I’m rarely in state where I can progress and when I can it’s still pretty slow. I recently hit a wall because the complexity of concepts has increased drastically. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to professionally program and make the game and have money.

[pilawforhire-archived]

[[[ edit: Thank you, everyone, who has been so kind and wonderful as to answer the questions with your thoughts. These are posts that have been shared in response, and I’m linking these in case anyone wants to read them. By someidioticurl, ask-heartstealer-law, trafalgar-bleedingheart-law. Thank you.

Hi guys, so I’m requesting a little help here. I’ve been trying to get a better understanding of Law’s character, and unfortunately, the more I think about things, the more I feel confused and uncertain.

Thus, I would like to reach out to other Law muses, with some questions and headcanons that you might have considered in your portrayal. (Ps you don’t have to indulge me, of course. But if you want to, please go ahead, thank you.)

Of course, this extends to just about anyone who wants to humour me and wouldn’t mind telling me what you think! And speaking of humour, this is all about it!

Without further ado, my biggest question, or the question I started out with earlier, was:

What is Law’s sense of humour? What are your HCs regarding that?

(some more related questions below the read more)

Tagging: @ask-heartstealer-law @trafalgar-bleedingheart-law @eviscxration @nobedsidemanners @locum-magneticum (sorry guys, ps just overlook this if you’d like, it’s time-consuming and I kinda doubt anyone would want to read it tbh..)

***NOTE: THIS IS LONG, and mostly for my own future self-reference, but I’m not sure if anyone might find reading about it useful. ***NOTE: You don’t have to read all this! You can just comment/reblog/etc with what you think in general on the topic of humour. I appreciate any and all thoughts on the matter. This is just for anyone who wants to read up more on the types of humour, if it may help in understanding your character.

***QUESTIONS >> You don’t have to read the bottom notes. Here are some questions I had, instead, if you may feel like you want to answer them. Again, mostly for my future reference, but maybe it might help someone...*

What are situations that amuse him?

How does he show it? (Smile vs laugh till he cries-- if he would ever do that vs hide his amusement)

Is he able to laugh at himself/life (when things go wrong or when he self-reflects)?

Does he seek or avoid confrontation? (He doesn’t seem like someone who would go picking fights, yet his cocky behaviour pre TS seems to me like he enjoys rubbing people the wrong way)

What is his self-esteem/self-confidence/self-worth levels? Does he hate himself, and how long does he dwell on it before moving on?

Does he understand most jokes?

Does he use humour to cope?

Does he keep silent if something rubs him the wrong way? (His shock at his own outward declaration of hating bread seems to infer that he usually doesn’t vocalise his concerns or when he doesn’t like things. And yet, in Dressrosa, he was complaining a lot, but that’s because he was under a lot of stress, exhaustion, and the circumstances meant he probably couldn’t care to hold things in anymore.)

Does he worry about what people think of him? (He seems to value his reputation, and likes that people think of him as cruel/sadistic though I believe those are limited to rumours)

He's always cool-headed and calm, but is he overly sensitive? (It seems like he is? Although he doesn’t show it.)

What does he think of himself? Does he hate himself? (He would seem to harbour guilt of his failure to protect Corazon and his family; to have failed as an older brother, have low self-worth.)

Does he find amusement in others’ misfortune? (I don’t see it. Like he’s humble, and I don’t think he laughs at others’ disabilities or misery, and yet he isn’t beyond messing up his enemies in a cruel way. SO! What are his limits? Where does he draw the line in his ‘cruelty’?)

Does he meditate?

What does he do when stressed?

What does he do when things get hopeless?

My brief thoughts:

Initially, I thought he wouldn’t be someone who could laugh at his own misery/life, but I think it would sound like something he could use to cope with past trauma. He’s not the self-defeating kind, at least, not outwardly?

The only display of humour from him (that my idiot memory remembers) is at Zou when he comments that a display of clone jutsu would be cool, and maybe in SA when he was amused by Luffy’s outrageous nature towards the CD. Also perhaps he is somewhat amused when he messes with enemies using his Ope Ope, switching personalities, body parts, taking their hearts..

Anyway, as I’ve read up (briefly), there are 4 main classifications of humour, and I think everyone has a percentage of each type to a certain degree.

Humour styles according to wiki, summed up roughly, credit to here

Affiliative, self-enhancing, aggressive, self-defeating

Affiliative:

used to enhance one’s r/s with others in a positive manner; used in self-accepting way

used to charm and amuse others, ease tension

spontaneous jokes, witty banter, enjoys laughing with others

individuals with high levels of this more likely to initiate friendships/increase group cohesiveness and promote creativity in group settings

associated with increased levels of self-esteem, well-being, emotional stability, social intimacy

individuals who use this tend to have higher levels of extraversion and openness to experience

telling jokes about things everyone might find funny

to bring people together, fellowship, happiness

Examples:

I don’t often joke with my friends

Jerry Seinfeld

Self-enhancing:

good natured attitude towards life; the ability to laugh at yourself, circumstances, idiosyncrasies of life in constructive, non-detrimental manner

used to enhance self in a positive manner; coping or emotion regulating humour

to look on the bright side of a bad situation, find silver lining

decreases levels of depression and anxiety

individuals more likely to exhibit extraversion and openness to experience

Examples:

If I’m feeling upset or unhappy I try to think of something funny about the situation to make myself feel better.

Even when by myself, I’m often amused by the absurdities of life.

Aggressive:

detrimental towards others

use of sarcasm, put-downs, teasing, criticism, ridicule at expense of others

individuals don’t care about the impact on others

examples are prejudices like racism and sexism

seems playful fun but the underlying intent may be to harm or belittle

related to high levels of neuroticism, lower levels of agreeableness and conscientiousness

individuals more highly aggressive and hostile; used by bullies

Examples:

When telling jokes or saying funny things, I am not usually concerned about how people take it.

If you think people are laughing at you, they probably are.

Self-defeating:

potentially detrimental humour towards the self; gain approval from others

laughter at own expense; “poor me”

pleasing others by being butt of joke

sometimes seen as form of denial; humour used as defense mechanism for hiding negative feelings of self

individuals frequently using this style show increased depressive symptoms

higher levels of neuroticism, lower levels of agreeableness and conscientiousness

associated with low self esteem, well being, intimacy

Examples:

I often try to make people like or accept me more by saying something about my weaknesses or blunders or faults.

I cover up problems and unhappiness by joking around, so closest friends don’t know how I feel

Further reading:

What do different personality types think about how people understand or misunderstand their sense of humour?

Analysts (INTP/INTJ) most likely to feel their humour is misunderstood. They are good at problem solving and generating ideas but may not translate well into humour. Visionary, highly intelligent personality types may engage in humour they understand but fail to make it relatable. Extraverted analysts, however, less likely to feel their sense of humour is misunderstood, as they have higher confidence in their abilities and are more outgoing.

Diplomats (INFP-T/INFJ-T) likely to feel others misunderstood their sense of humour. Though their personalities centre on relations with others, specifically tolerance and harmony, they are also most likely to take things personally and suffer insecurity. Desire to create harmony + overly sensitive nature = recipe for feeling misunderstood

Sentinels: Prefer traits like loyalty and trustworthiness to spontaneity or playfulness. Observant and Judging, values clarity, facts, observable things, as opposed to imaginative and unexpected. Sense of humour consists of tried and true, straightforward approach vs unpredictable humour.

Note to self: Read up more on personality types, since I know nothing of the matter other than the brief general basics.

20 types and forms of humour:

Which forms do you think Law enjoys?

I would think, dark/morbid, deadpan/dry, mordant? But those are the forms I think he would show. The kinds of humour he would enjoy, I’m still thinking about.

Other links to types of humour

Well. Thanks if you got that far. ]]]]]

[phroyd]

A typical Facebook “Discussion” between Trump “Conservatives” and a So Called “Liberal”

This is why the Moderate and Liberal Americans are going to have to Wake Up and realize that we are At War with Angry-Ignorance!  That Ignorance knows only Power and Threat!  If we are going to Win this War, we need to Defeat their Emotional and Psychological limitations!

Scott Torquato   LOLOL!!! I don't even know what that mean, and I think you don't either. Look, the Congress is Screwed Up and it's paralyzed most of the country. But Conservatives look at the Wrong Reason it's Fucked Up. It's Corporations owning Congress that has screwed everybody up. Republicans have no more diversity in their ranks and have 1 policy, Their Way or The Highway. Corporatist Democrats like Hillary are no better, maybe more Compassionate for the poor, and Human Rights issues, but that's it. They have become the Same Party, Hell, read Truman's take on the same thing that happened at another point in History in the US Congress. If The Mango Mussolini really intended to Drain The Swamp, he'd be focusing his Autocratic Impulsivity on keeping Corporations out of writing our laws and buying our Congress, but instead, he's filling the Cabinet with Moe of The Swamp, and pandering to Angry Misguided Americans who think that the Disaster We Created in the Middle East is the source of our nation's danger. So, to appease the lesser educated of his voters, he's pulling stunts like this, all the while, attempting to consolidate power in the executive branch of government, allowing for no dissent, and monopolizing a continuation of Corporate Oligarchy under an Extreme Social Conservative umbrella. And Conservative America is falling for this little diversion.

Gerard Vasco   And what part of my message to you DIDN'T you understand? Let me Dumb it down. You and you kind are pussys And I say you and your kind should shut the fuck up, sit down, and don't get in the way of progress, and while your out if the way don't let your drool (baby, get it ) or don't let your ( pussy, no balls...get it) drip on the "big boys" shoes as they go marching by... ( men accomplish and take stands, fight battle and will claw for what are American, traditional values. ..... not that you just won't understand See I am an example....of someone who really doesn't give a flying fuck about Syrians or others who are being turned away at the fucking airports, or if this country bans Muslims from select country's. .. I'm stupid like that... I care about police, soldiers, fireman, I care about hard work, faith, and american first, hate lazy, complaing victims who bitch and moan, March with signs, and PRETEND to love every nation, everybody, and tolerate just about anything but red blooded american, old fashioned traditions and values. So please gimme a break....with the big fucking words and your stupid explanations. ... because at the end of the day..... we don't care if Trump makes 100 million dollars while president, grabs 20 pussys, or is the dumbest ass in history We care if our debt shrinks the federal government shrinks, that laws are enforced, police are backed up, veterans are cared for with the best of care and fast as well. We want schools to produce results, reward the winners, let's get back to honoring achievement not trying, stop giving everyone trophys, stop affirmative action, stop the fucking handouts, the law suits, and get rid of 75 Percent of the regulations and bullshit that has halted and strapped businesses, no everyone doesn't deserve a house or a free education or a free anything , drug test anyone on welfare, or disability And get rid of illegal mother fuckers who break our laws Send them home. Torture the terrorists we capture if needed. Getting it Scott. So go ahead and rant about my hatred, xenophobia, misogyny and what ever else.... that's my 3 cents.Unlike ·

Steve Behunick   Gerard you said it better I could have but that's how most of America feels thier sick of the bullshit and that's why Trump's in the whitehouse

Scott Torquato  I could care less about your misogyny, xenophobia and whatever else. Much of what you want is quite necessary and has been overlooked by the Government for too long. Your failure is blaming the wrong people for it not happening. Your ignorance is lumping together all of the Liberals and defining them as the Fringe group of Walking Wounded, Over-Sensitive, "Offended" Obsessed, immature "Safe-Space Needers." The Majority of Liberals are not that Group! They are Conscientious, Educated, Politically Balanced people who have Common Sense, unlike the Majority of people who consider themselves "Conservatives", those people who are rightfully angry about the condition of our nation, but, because of deficient intellectual skills, they run on Anger Alone, attaching themselves to some Political Propaganda spewed by The Right and ending their critical thinking there. Conservatives like you are not really "Conservatives", you're just Angry, Lazy people who don't want to take the time to research the causes behind the very issues you object to. because if you actually DID take the time to do some reading of the facts, you would be Angry at The Right, you would be Intolerant of Corporations being given Priority in our Legislation, legislation that takes away jobs, that lowers salaries, that makes health-care affordable ... all so a tiny percentage of the population can have more money that their grandchildren could even spend in their lifetimes. Trump is a Caricature of a "Strong Man", he is, Clinically, the "Man-Boy", Bravado with no character. And as a business man he's more a Failure than a Success, if you look at the money he actually started out with. So, because you're Angry-Lazy, you're an Easy Mark for Exploitive Republicans and their manipulation of your anger to suit their own political ends. They throw the concept of "Faith" in there to Distract you because they know that if you actually looked at the issues, they'd be screwed! And the cognitive dissonance of the Angry-Conservative prevents the intelligent ones from seriously questioning their elected leadership's actions; the Conservative listens only to the Rhetoric because it matches their regressed emotional state 

Steve Behunick  Nobody cares shut up already 

Scott Torquato  Bite Me! LOL. (Or, get educated, I don't care which)

Interesting, Gerard is a Drug and Alcohol Counselor, a Licensed Therapist, I worked with him for a few years, and even HE can’t overcome his Angry-Thick Headed Obstinate view of what’s going on in our government today!

Phroyd