#i hate summer theres too much day time i feel like i do nothing for hours and then sleep

[everloste]

him again i guess

[icewindandboringhorror]

Daily Log 9

Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.

Activities: Worked on the previously mentioned tapestry style painting thing for like 5-6 hours today (with a few breaks in between), and that's just for the border around the main picture lol.. I think all the little sections and detail always take longer than I think they might. But hopefully the final product will look interesting! :0

I feel like I'm entering another Sick Phase where I just am weird/ill/sleepy/having joint pains much of the day (probably some vitamin deficiencies or hormone imbalances or general bodily inflammation or whatever nonsense seems to randomly pop up from time to time lol), so couldn't focus on anything more intensive like writing or editing videos, unfortunately. It's good to have smaller crafts I can do that don't take much mental effort and are just menial hand tasks (like carving, painting, sculpting, etc.), but I still always feel frustrated falling behind on the things I see as much more broadly significant to my overall life and potential career (making games, writing, finishing videos, socializing, costumes, etc.)

Organized my desk a little. Responded to some doctor emails. Paid bills.

Planned out something I might make with pressed flowers tomorrow.

Edited like 4 costume photos.

Also have a lingering sense of dread due to the weather. The heat often makes me feel terrible, and if I'm already in kind of a Bad Phase at the moment, I'm afraid of it making it even worse... stimky..

Which I know these temperatures are nothing to some people but.. to me... aUGHHHH... I am abnormally heat sensitive + live in a dinky old apartment with no ventilation that gets direct sun the hottest part of the day.. on a 90F day outside, it literally gets about 84F inside.. like.. even people who love the heat I feel like would struggle to sleep at night if their bed is 85F lol... hewwo.. You can spray yourself down with water, drink ice water, put a fan on yourself, etc. etc. but.. sometimes it just feels so oppressive and inescapable..

ANYWAY. Aside from painting, feeling weird, and dreading the upcoming heat/contemplating my entire life and how to get enough money to move to a different climate somehow one day/existential exhaustion/etc., I didn't accomplish very much lol

Spent maybe 30 minutes thinking about a little more worldbuilding stuff, and some things in reference to the game I mentioned resuming work on at some point.

Notable sights: The clouds were really pretty and pastel this afternoon, and some stars are visible in the sky for once since the nights are beginning to be clearer. The 'forget me not' flowers that I thought had died after transplanting actually seemed to be perked up and healthy looking today, and perhaps may actually survive. >:3

Goals moving forward: Do new poll adventure post. focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with the ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc. Do the new costumes I've planned. MAKE SCULPTURES at some point, I miss them.

Notable foods: Not much, kind of a warm day so didn't really want to use the oven. No idea how I'll handle the diet I've been put on by my doctors (involves usually cooking all food fresh, using the stove a lot, nothing is supposed to be canned or processed or premade, so that eliminates a lot of 'quick easy simple warm weather' meals, etc. etc.) during the heatwave. I might just have to break the diet a little and hope it doesn't give me stomach pains while I'm already hot and feeling sick lol..

I did have a boiled egg with some green onions on top, which is very simple but was refreshing somehow lol. Another ice cold ginger ale treat today, and some cold prune juice (which I know most people find gross/it's an old person food/etc., but I like that it's a smooth textured and not very sweet juice? Like it's slightly thicker than apple juice, has a lightly bitter taste, etc. I just find it nice for some reason. More evidence I am secretly an 85 year old wizard)

[piastri-lover]

who would have guessed; alex albon

summary: in which you and alex are dropping hints about your relationship, and yet no one seems to be getting the hint

pairing: alex albon x celeb!reader

author's note: i fucking love alex albon and this prompt!! icl i dont know he's so underrated but i enjoyed making this sm xx

INSTAGRAM

yourusername 📍tulum, mexico

liked by pierregasly, zendaya and 17293057 yourusername summer time x view comments

-

user1 i love y/n so fucking much

user2 wife

user3 are u kidding i was lit in mexico two days ago and NOW the queen is here -user4 lit flew out this morning i could have met my wife

zendaya having fun? ;)) -yourusername don't know what u mean by that --zendaya ill keep my mouth shut

user5 after 3 months of oppenheimer filming y/n prob needs a break -user6 she slayed as jean though --user5 100%

user7 mexico is my country and i'm so glad u love it liked by yourusername -user7 omg y/n liked my comment im done

user8 whos she with -user9 idk but someone def took that 3rd photo

user10 why is pierre in the queen y/n's likes?? -user11 i bet he forgot to switch accounts and liked without thinking --user12 ariana what are u doing here

~~~

TWITTER

~~~

~~~

INSTAGRAM

yourusername 📍tulum, mexico

liked by sydney_sweeney, landonorris and 32017295 others yourusername thank u for the restuarant reccomendation, we loved it xx view comments

-

user13 mother is mothering

user14 she's so fit -user15 that scene in oppenheimer changed me as a person

user16 THERES A BOY -user17 omg omg omg this is not a drill

sydney_sweeney y/n... -yourusername ill call u later and fill u in babe

user18 first pierre, now lando -user19 the entire grid is simping for y/n and tbh i don't blame them

user20 the soft launch is beginning -user21 im so ready to analyse every screenshot to try and work this out first

user22 i need that dress

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

alex_albon replied to your story:

alex_albon ur fans are going wild on twt rn

yourusername really?? i haven't checked

alex_albon mhmm like they havent stopped speculating for hours im sure i saw someone ship u with fucking lando

yourusername he is kinda cute...

alex_albon oy

yourusername im kidding we still going out for dinner tonight??

alex_albon yup its me and you, george and carmen and lando lol

yourusername all good

alex_albon pick u up at 8?

yourusername counting down the minutes baby love u x

alex_albon love u more x

~~~

landonorris

liked by pierregasly, charles_leclerc and 4103549 others landonorris my fave couples (im so alone) view comments

-

user23 umm

user24 lando babe i dont feel like u were supposed to post this

georgerussell63 he's passed out and i dont know his password idk what to do -user25 george are y/n and alex dating??? --georgerussell63 no lando was just feeling a bit silly

user26 george trying to defend alex and y/n when we obv know they're dating

alex_albon i let him take one photo and ofc he does this -yourusername at least we look cute --alex_albon we always look cute baby

user27 i wasnt sure about alex but look they're so wholesome

user28 im j wondering how tf alexander albon pulled the y/n -user29 me too --user30 like nothing against him but y/n is... well y/n

landonorris wait i thought this was my private

landonorris so so sorry -yourusername ur buying me a drink when we next go out --landonorris done and done ---alex_albon my girl has expensive taste lando u have completely shot urself in the foot

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

yourusername

tagged: alex_albon liked by zendaya, pierregasly and 51294856 othersyourusername lando ruined my softlaunch(🖕🖕) but anyway i kinda love him so be nice xx view comments

-

user31 no bc theyre acc cute

user32 i hate to have to share my wife but it would be with him

landonorris ive apologised 1000 times idk what more to do -alex_albon she had the entire thing all planned out but no lando norris had to intervene --yourusername honestly im heartbroken i might need another bottle of champagne... ---landonorris fuck off y/n the last bottle was like £1000

alex_albon leng -yourusername appreciate it bro

alex_albon the last photo❤️❤️❤️-yourusername love u big man

user33 omg i hope we get to see her at a grand prix soon -yourusername im def coming to spa and we'll see after that

williamsracing already saving a seat for u -yourusername i cant wait xx

user34 dont know whether i want to be alex or her

user35 bi awakening -user36 fr

user37 sleeping on the highway tonight -landonorris ill be joining u --user38 landos so real for that

[the1975attheirverybest]

"Your favourite colour is red, because its as bright as fire and you burn similarly with passion but you never stick to just one because you think there's too much to enjoy about all colours" hands thrown up in frustration, a hint of a slur in my voice that I dont care to acknowledge while he just stands there, listening. vision blurred, the wind is cold, whipping past with a chilling sting. standing on the side of the road by his car, what are we doing here? why did i insist on getting out. I cant remember. but he just stands there, silent.

He dares to just stand there?! To just fucking stand there. Staring pitying like im some wounded fucking animal. hair windswept and eyes glassy under the moonlit sky, thousands of stars, constellations watching us, Coma Berenice, our constellation, and he says nothing, lets me scream at him, at the empty countryside. Maybe he's being kind? Gentle, maybe it's not pity, but when you spend so long without either it's impossible to distinguish between them.

"Your favourite seasons are summer and autumn, but you hate the cold in winter," pulling his jacket tighter...im wearing his jacket? when did I get this? his arms are bare, a button up shirt loose hanging off his frame, a lighter in his palm and a cig between his fingers. did we stop for a smoke break?

"your favourite time of day is dusk when you can sit outside and drown in that orange English light you always talk about instead of all those thoughts in your head" feeling my hands shake and my teeth clench, everything about this is wrong, why am I yelling at him? What did he even say in the first place? Did he say anything? did we just stop to smoke? how did we even get here. tears sting the corners of my eyes and theres an unsteadiness in my voice, a constricting in my chest and throat like i cant breathe. Was i ever able to breathe?

"You know what else I know? Your favourite guitar is the mustang because it's got an offset sound" pulling at his jacket, to try and rip it from my body despite the freezing night air, but hes quicker, silent still, his hands on my arms keeping me from pulling it off, the lighter pressed now into my forearm uncomfortably. standing there, swaying gently and its almost comforting if not for the every creeping panic of it all, the tightness in my throat only worsening until it feels as if i can barely rasp a word.

"and your favourite person…." voice small as the realisation dawns on me, trailing off and trying to pull away. its like being hit by a semi truck, that's how this feels, like running full pelt into a brick wall. The stop light never turned green and he never even spoke a word. Matty just watches, something between concern and hurt but no anger, he should be angry. I need him to be angry. to get mad and yell at me, to lash out, to be cruel, to shake me by the shoulders, to do anything, to say anything "….isn't me."

cheek pressed to his shirt, his heart beats steadily beneath skin and bone, his hand pressed to the back of my head and the other on the small of my back, shushing me. holding me close in a way i dont deserve. could never deserve.

He still says nothing.

NOOOOOO. I JUST

I will HAVE MUCH TO SAY BUT I NEED TO STOP CRYING FIRST. GUYS. MAKE HIM PAY CUZ I AM SO

hehwhwhahuwiwhsbsnwlqmabsvhwnws. Shejens

[vvh0adie]

Aaahhh 💖 I love youuu 💖 how have you been doing? How's drawing and writing going? Did I miss any new updates btw? 😭

lil big life update ig🙃

WRITER LIFE:

i released Strawberry Kisses which is a cute yoongi fic. some mutual masturbation and miscommunication trope👀 its my most liked fic atm. theres even a drabble for this couple.

i’ve been working on a hobi period sex fic thats already 13k for the 1st part, so its a long series🌚

thinking about doing a drug dealer hobi x stripper reader wip. i already have too many wips. and i wanted to do another hopekook series🤦🏽‍♀️

also working on illumi zoldyck fic after starting a rewatch of hxh (1 of my fav animes). two in the works: one with just illumi and another with illumi/machi/shizuku/reader😭 a fourple?

thinking about BTS blog hiatus so i can focus on KCG bc ppl are asking about my All of Us Are Dead fic. so i need to write the second chapter to that.

[more personal below | tw: race relations]

MINOR PERSONAL LIFE:

need to practice driving😐 my bitch ass is 20yrs and cant drive. im a lil scared no lie bcuz memphis drivers are wild😭 i gotta get my license by november or i have to take the permit test over again😰

im finally starting to do technical labs for biotech/forensics🎉 one step closer to my internship!

a little behind on criminal investigation😞

im a little scared how chemistry 2 is gonna go this year. i dont know whats going on😦 im so lost😭

i started my laptop but never opened clip studio😭 i really wanna draw hobi tho. and i need to make stuff for my shop that i really wanna open. i need motivation😞

thinking about learning to code😭 it seems easy; just a lot of words. i wanna design websites. maybe some BT21 themed. now javascript kinda scares me.

MAJOR PERSONAL LIFE:

overall im doing aight so far this year. could be better i think

ive only cried twice this month😀 having some self-image/identity issues and managing to keep my sanity in check with Black History Month after that police brutality murder here in memphis and Ron Desantis bullying the College Board into turning AP Black History into a whitewashed history and Black Conservatism. i feel too hyperaware of the fuckery that is america. it feels like me and every other black person are the only ones really seeing this shit. its tiring and makes me harbor a different kind of hate in my heart for the concept of whiteness that i didnt even know was there. its somewhat hard to see people’s humanity or feel safe around them. i hate to even say this, but since something major happened january, maybe nothing will happen this summer unlike May 2020. im trying to take it one day at a time tho... hehe

you probably weren’t expecting all that but i figured id turn this into a general post😭 sorry if this was too much, even the non heavy stuff. i know when people ask how someones doing they’re prolly asking for something simple but this feels more like a diary entry than anything.

but thanks for asking, not many people do💖 i hope everyone has a kinder year

[bl00dybat]

i miss being pure a lot. it was ruined so early. it didnt even start with SA it started with exposure to sexuality so young and being sexualized. why tf was i sexualizing myself so young?? why tf were people sexualizing me so young and showing me sexual shit?? it feels so disgusting and ive always felt disgusting. it all just escalated with people sexualizing me as well as a kid, harassing me, touching me AHH so much. spring and summer gives me nostalgic feelings from when i was young and nothing mattered. i hate working and seeing kids come in with their parents so full of love and life, i feel so jealous i want to cry, i wish i could start over. i know everyone wishes they were a kid again and having a child is like being able to relive it yourself and shape them in a better way than what you had. i could never have a kid. my parents didnt even know i was being tainted and i felt too much shame to tell them. being think wont resort me back to being a child. i know this. but even as a kid i had in my mind i needed to be small. the more i gained weight the more i appeared like a girl and the more disgusted i felt with myself. being small meant control and looking more masculine. it still feels that way. itll be so long before i can get surgeries and really feel complete. until then i want to shed myself of this shame full of fat. ive failed at restricting these past 3 days and i feel so ill. i was so close to 149. so fucking close. i had to be a fat piece of shit and just stuff my fucking face. craving a bit of comfort and distraction from what i feel. from going to sleep. i dont want to be forced to relive the pain everytime i go to bed. its always something horrible in some twisted way. i dont want to sleep and acknowledge this day is truly over and tomorrow i am still this person. i have to learn to love myself or i can never enjoy this life. i wish it was easier to not have such strong restrictions on what i feel is ok for me to be and do. i keep relapsing in self harm and i know being in servers that have enablers for sh and ed doesnt fucking help but god i just dont want to feel alone. i cant confide in anyone here it just causes more worry and pain and its so difficult to see them suffer because im struggling so much. theres nowhere to hide but here and i feel like eventually itll be discovered and ill be sent to a hospital or some shit to go through the same cycle ive been through 8 times before, just wasting peoples time and money. i do try to get better and not keep up horrible coping skills nothing fucking works nothing is enough to distract running away doesnt help i dont want to run but i dont want to be beat up by my brain anymorw i just want to feel numb i just want to be hurt I JUST WANT TO BE HURT please anything to make this shutupni dont want to see horrible flashbacks anymoreni hate this ptsd i hate the pain i hate the ghosts i dont want a life full of trauma i dony want to focus on all the bad i want to be ok so badly but none of this is okay my body isnt okay ill neveg be okay at this weight i have to punish myself by not eating people spend too much on me as is and its so costly just to keep me alive why bother with the extra shit?? i want to be loved and coveted but also hated and beaten until i have no choice but to die, i never reached my goals i never became a tattoo artist it is so painful to lose what little progress ive made in life but it is more painful than torturing myself everyday unconsciously? its painful to think all memoriesnof this life could be erased, nothing i did ever mattered, a handful of people remember me and when theyre gone it willnbe nobody. but i feel like such a shitstain in the world anyway and undeserving of being remembered. i already fuckednup so much please just let me restart. i would if it wouldnt hurt my bf and family so much. its torture. why be hurt because of losing me? there is nothing that is lost. i promise i dont matter and ive made you think i matter out of desperation. im sorry.

[frostbite-the-bat]

Also ghhruugh I'm wasting so much time but theres like no shit to do in terms of this in winter but I'm feelie bad bc next month I already got scheduled shit and it's to help me but i still feel bad since my brother did tell me the employment department ain't gonna do shit for me but it's very fucking hard having no directions for anything and being trapped in this house unable to do anything for myself essentially and being too lazy to even look up basic shit for this because Uwhhrm Irt Too Distress FO Me.... Like it's dumb ughfhgh I hate this house but my plan is to take things slowly and at least improve my living conditions slightly like when my brother helped me a bit

I can't wait for my parents to go back to work not in a mean way but just so I have fucking privacy and proper time alone again. I can run around the house with no worries or set backs. I'm currently refusing to go brush my teeth despite the sensory nightmare because I don't wanna be seen walking out of my room by dad

I want alone time so I can clean my room without questions and without anyone barging in. I hope I'll have enough energy for that I really did condition myself to have even less energy daily on top of The Ouchies it's not good but... Hey best I can do when I can't even do. Shit for myself. Expected to start doin adult stuff but still treated as a kid. Both good and bad because I don't wanna be an adult but also I'm expected to do stuff and I'm still not being taught everything and just, in my parents own words, told I'm "not hard/difficult, doesn't want anything" bc I've been conditioned to never ask but okay

I don't even go fucking take baths without asking because the clothes are thrown around so confusingly I can never find my own clothes so I need to get mom to do it. and I'm expected to maybe find a job or decide if I wanna go to a different school after summer. I don't even have a card or anything

19 is still very young but I feel the pressure from my brother so badly and the world in general plus I'm so trapped here I can't do shit it's not good for me but I can't just leave or do things myself I haven't been taught anything I don't know how to live at all i don't know basics I've never been taught I've been so neglected in this because "Uhm I Don't Ask For Stuff ^^" ffffuckin hell.

can't even see doctors for physical shit I'd have to sneak out and know how getting an appointment works. and I know nobody would believe me even if my goal is to figure out what's wrong with me. My mom's reaction to me saying heeeeeey I have like daily pains in my hands that go from like don't notice to debilitating I can't do anything( and I had this sincei had covid. Which YOU didn't get me vaccinated for bc of YOUR beliefs. Then LIED about it. And one of the symptoms of long covid is chronic pain so... I DINNO..! CARPAL TUNNEL AND GENERAL BODY OUCHIES STARTING UP AROUND THE SAME TIME.. I DINNO. I dunno oh I GUESS it's ALL ONLY BECAUSE ii draw all day oh boohoo.)i got LAIGHED AT and told she has Ouchies Too and works anyway. Great OK no checking doctors or anything for me imma go cry now thanks

Ugh I'm not even like. In a mentally bad place right now in general like I am usually when I wrote these. I'm motivated to get started with stuff but MY PARENTS ARE A MASSIVE ROADBLOCK FOR EVERYTHING I CAN'T WAIT FOR ME TO BE ALONE IN THE HOUSE AGAIN. Sigh and again I hope by then I'll have the energy and motivation to do shit I feel nothing but lazy and like I'm rotting away it's so stressful wanting to do smthn and being unable bc it's to hard to even purh thru and because or things like family. It's all mostly a mental block but living like this with no privacy with people who haven't taught you shit one of which you fear is not good for you man. I know I repeat myself with the same statements burt

I'm tired I'm so tired I'm so tired oh my god please I'm tired of living like this it's only making me worse and because of that I need to try but it's so hard on so many fucking levels and I never try hard enough and I feel like absolute worthless shit for it

[qualityempathshoebear]

Heres to a brighter future!

Heyyyaa!

Lets get the boring stuff out of the way first, before I tell you about whats gotten myso excited. Ive graduated from the hellish school (yay for that!) and finished all my exams. I dont know how I did, but I honestly dont care. I studied for most of the tests, so if I dont do well, then at least iIl know ive given it a deasant amount of effort.

I had my taster day for a school in the city this week and it was honestly amazing. It was soooo much better than the school I went to (which isnt very hard to beat), and everyone was so talkative and nice. I even feel like I made a few friends, it was great! A girl that I met and talked to first (a round of applause for me) even added me on snapchat! Im hoping that my other taster day, which I have next week, for another school turns out to be just as good. Also I know this isnt very appropriate to say-but its you so its ok- but there were sooooo many hot guys. I know I cant date, but there is nothing wrong with a little eyecandy, and besides, if I secretly started dating someone at school, I could probably get away with it!

Onto a the issue regarding my sister that I told you about last time. I think its been fixed, at least thats what it seems like. Theres going to be a 45 day investigation, but after that they wont be bothering us anymore.

Heres the thing ive been dying to tell you. I dodn twant to go into too much detail because it hasnt been completly comfirmed and i really dont want to jinx this for my dad, but he has a very big chance of getting a job at his dream company, in a completly new country. Which im honestly very grateful for because I honestly hate this place. Im ready to be around an international comunity were people are welcoming and not fucking horrible. Im so ready. So if I move, I wont have to go to school anymore in this god forsaken country.

Also, youre going to be so proud of me for this, ive been drinking 2L of water (almost) everyday for the past week or so! Ive also been reading a lot! Ive read 3 books since the start of summer break and finished up 3 books that I started in the past but never finished. This week im planning on reading st least 4 books!

Im also going to Qatar this summer so im very excited about that. Im planning on reading "the nightingale" by Kristin Hannah on the plane since I have a physical copy of the book. And then ill just read on my kindle app on my phone for the rest of the flight.

Ill try to keep you updated in the summer if anyhting more happens, but for now....

Hugs and kisses!

Ps: This isnt something I really feel like talking about so ill just leave it here; my uncle was sent to the front lines of the war in my home country. I cant rememebr if I mentioned anything to you about it, but there you go.

[s-omething]

i hope i never stop finding new songs that remind me of you, forever ‘till i die.

Addicated with a pen - Twenty one pilots Summer’s end - Phoebe Bridgers Sidelines - Phoebe Bridgers Home again - Lucy Dacus Please Stay - Lucy Dacus

 journal entries on how big the hole you left is or how much light i still hold from you. youre not gone. we are just not the same and it feels like grief. “Today is january 27 and I miss you, dad. I miss you a lot all the time so much that i actually learned to avoid thinking of you (a lie) because it always overwhelms me how much it hurts instantly and now I cant stop crying when i simply and just remember you.  When I let myself remember I just feel the urge to tell someone about every little tiny thing that i know about you, about what i observed and what we were like, i wish i could make a small movie about it. I love you. I love who you are and I love our memories together. No fight could have ever changed this feeling. Theres nothing you could say to make me hate you. It hurts so much to have lost who we were and our relationship as it was. With you, I felt seen and understood and the funny thing is: We could never agree on anything, but our silences were always companions to each other.  I know. Things change, people change, time moves forward and takes us to different places, different versions of ourselves. Time never made sense to me. Its too slow, too fast, too anxious, forgetful. I changed, we changed, life drew us apart, I know we did it too. We are most definetely shit at talking about those things out loud and I know we doom the possibility of fixing this. I guess making peace with this fact has got me here to this feeling. Grief? How? I know you’re alive.  I kind of wish I could just go back. Time does not fucking work like that, it’s the only thing i actually understand about it, dad. I came so far but having this “far” be away from you is too bittersweet to acknowledge that it’s simply a good thing to have survived and outgrown.  It’s like my favourite shoes don’t fit me anymore but I’d rather walk barefoot than buying new ones and wearing them enough for them to feel like home.  You were not there when I left. You were not there when I had to leave. I wish I could be angry at you for that.  I got where I wanted and I lost you on the way here. I don’t care how it hurt and how haunted I was, I wish I was 18 in the car with you going anywhere, doing anything, with you and only with you.

Sitting in the garage early in the morning with tangerine and all your ideas. Bees, wood, dirt, trees, fruits, gardening, dogs. They are all you. Sleeping in the passager seat knowing you are the one driving felt safer than being at home with mom.  If I start writing all out memories will I ever stop? Will there be an end? I hope not. I’m too scared to know the end of this. I do hope I never forget tho.  I will write them a little at a time, so it lasts longer. “ March, 16, 2023 Watched Aftersun so many times, Sophie says she feels closer to her dad when she see’s the sun, as they share the same sky and see the same sun. Absolutely devastating when I went outside and noticed my house is way too far down to be able to see the sky.  “Dad I can’t see the sky from here.  I can’t remember your scent and I remember how you taught me cursive, how to paint better with a little patience, how you peeled oranges under trees, how you would sit by my side patiently when I tried to heal, on the roof of the house we thought we would live in, in the couch watching my stupid gay tv shows. You remind me of sunny mornings and trees, or they remind me of you. Sort of “your dad has your eyes... or you have his” kind of thing.  I know I have my mom’s eyes. I wish they were yours, I always liked how you see the world.  I miss being alone with you. I miss devoting my days to working by your side, coming home to a beer we shared in front of TV, when I was sick you started letting me pick the shows, I know that was your way of reaching for me and trying to understand, since we would never talk about it.  I miss reading you, I miss getting angry that you would not say things but expected me to understand anyway and I miss that I did.  Dad, I can’t see the sky from here. I want to feel close to you, but I can’t reach that feeling.  Please, teach me something I don’t know.  Please, repeat something you’ve said a million times, I promise I won’t say “You already told me that when we passed this same spot”  Tell me about all the travels, all the places and trucks and people you’ve seen.  Drive in silence by my side, I will pass you the snacks and watch the trees under the nightsky outside.  Sit with me. Come home. Can I come home?  Will it feel like home?  I should have stolen one of your shirts, hu? I loved going to school with them, I looked cool and they smelled like you, felt safe.  I wish I could wake up in the middle of the night and find you sitting in the kitchen, after coming home from work, with your coffee, milk and bread, watching TV. It always felt out of space and time, like we were in a different dimention only the night time could provide. I lost you... You left! I left. I don’t know my way back, Dad. If I find it, will you let me sing in the car on the drive back?”

[cats-thoughts]

o/ again

🍒❌📙🧡⭐️💙🌷 for anyone!

o/

Ender Time >:D

🍒 What kind of things do they expect from their relationships? Does this differ between platonic relationships and romantic ones? Is your OC “demanding” or a door mat? What kinds of things do people expect from them in a relationship?

Really just. Respect? Like "look I'm going to do my thing and you're gonna do your thing and if u gotta problem with that this aint gonna work" The only difference between romantic and platonic is that they keep a relative distance in romantic. Ash goes first, full stop. If it has time for a partner, it has time for a partner, but if Ash is in trouble or needs something it IS going to Drop Everything to help. They're kind of an ass but... I love them ^.^ I would say they're more demanding than doormat, but only because they definitely aren't a doormat. Really it isnt very demanding either. I think it would treat a relationship as a friendship with extra steps. (I mean, they're ace and very affectionate with friends, the main difference really is just how they feel abt it.) I think- well, we'll use Derrien as an example since hes technically the 'love interest'. Derrien mostly just expects honesty and time from them, which it does both of ^.^ they hang out after school n stuff. Derrien is also one of the few people who knows abt their chronic pain- it even hides it from Ash.

❌ What kind of things would end any relationship for them? Is there a history behind why these things bother them? Could they ever take someone back despite this? If so or if not, why?

Honestly? Not really. Like, obviously cheating, cause its a blatant lack of respect. But, other than that? Like i said its very "you do you, I do mine" thing. The only other 2 things that come to mind is One: harming Ash in anyway, or even badmouthing him too much- friendly is fine but theres a limit, and 2: Straight up attacking them. They don't really appreciate being attacked by friends? Especially on pain bad days. They got jumped by Rory and a small group of their lackeys once and (they won but) it took them out for a week. Which freaked Ash The Fuck out cause they'd never disappeared for more than a few days until that point. Decidedly Not Friends with Rory anymore. It MAY take someone back after cheating or badmouthing Ash once or twice but after that, nah. Just cause people make mistakes and such. But attacking is a one time knock out. And if they attack Ash they will Probably have to transfer schools cause Ender does Not let that slide.

📙 What kind of subjects (of conversation, of discussion, in school or whatever) does your OC find interesting or engaging or that they can talk for hours about? What kind of stuff do they just find fun?

What things bore your OC to tears and they couldn’t care less about? Why?

Fighting, but that's more of a "I am willing to teach people how to fight so they'll stay safe" than a "I am genuinely interested in this stuff" sorta thing. It likes reading, sleeping, and more low impact sports like walking and swimming. It sucks at swimming tho. It usually just floats. (me irl- I took swimming lessons an entire summer and it did nothing👍got that from my dad. Poor man Cannot Swim at All.) They actually also enjoy yoga like a fuckin nerd /j and videogames. They're Very Good at mariokart. Ash is the only one who can beat them. (They let him win <3)

It gives 0 shits about classwork and schoolwork. no thoughts, head empty. Also most high impact sports, like basketball, soccer, football, etc. Trust me a bunch of sports recruiters tried to get them bc the fucker is Tall and Buff but they'd rather punch people's lights out behind the school than anything else. It DOES its schoolwork it just hates it. Mostly gets by on prior knowledge, problem solving, google, and Lizzie's help. Lizzie fr fr the Only one who pays attention in class.

🧡 Who is your OC’s favourite person? Why is this person the top of their list and have they actually met them (an idol or rolemodel or celeb can be someone’s favourite after all!).

ASH. 100 TIMES ASH. They've known Ash since fucking Kindergarten and just, over time, have platonically fallen in love with him. They r soulmates ur honor. They're... sorry Im so mentally ill abt those 2. It's dad is a close second tho! They're besties <3 It has a very cool dad, he taught them most of their basic fighting skills and supports them in their violent endeavors <3 It's just been them 2 for years now, since Ender was maybe 9 or 10? 11ish, at the oldest. They're 17 now so, a while.

⭐ What is your OC afraid of? Any crippling phobias or some such? How do they act when scared and what helps them calm down? Does anyone ever find your OC scary? Why?

Ender is afraid of spiders. Yeah. It's one tough motherfucker but the GodDamned Spiders.... eugh. They get REALLY AGGRESSIVE when scared, like, It will Likely Deck someone who looks at them wrong after seeing a spider. Lots of bottled energy. Ash is usually the only thing that can calm them down, but warm sugary drinks can help. And most Half the school is afraid of Ender. It's Tall as Shit, can Punch someone twice their weight's lights out, best 4 or 5 people in a fight at once, and is the singular person between Ash and the General Populace. Ender may be scary but Ash, in all their 5'2 glory, is a Nightmare. Love that for him <3

💙 What did your OC want to be when they grew up and why? Did they have any lifelong dreams or ambitions they never got to work on or are they currently working to achieve this dream? Has their life taken a very unexpected turn and put all these plans on hold for a while or have they given up on any dreams?

When they were Really little, and up until about 7th grade, they wanted to be an artist. Then Ash got hurt and they got the shit kicked out of them and did a 180, decided it didn't matter what it did for a living because for the foreseeable future it was ride or die with Ash and it's main focus would be Beating The Fuck outta anyone who hurt him.

🌷 In what ways would your OC alter their body if they could? How would they do it using mundane means (hair dye, surgery, make-up?). What is their ideal look for themself?

Eh they don't really care. Remove it's spine if it could. And hips. Fuck Chronic Pain 👍if they COULD they'd fucking LOVE wings. And sometimes it dyes its hair- usually purple or pink. Ideal look is pretty much what they look like. Though, it would like to be able to wear softer/more pastel clothing, like huge sweaters and pj pants all the time. It wants more tattoos. It loves tattoos <3 maybe even get some more piercings who knows.

Thanks for asking!! And letting me talk about my fucked up little meow meows :D it is so.... ough. Objectively an Awful person but has a strict moral code. That moral code just so happens to be "Protect Ash whatever it takes or Die Trying"

[madisonrooney]

been getting more and more emotionally and socially drained by work. ik people on here joke a lot about like “i hate being perceived and seen and known” and all that but i honestly have felt that way a lot of my life, and when you work in retail, youre constantly in view and being watched yknow? 

sure i went to school for a big chunk of my life but at least in college when the mental illness really started fleshing out, i could just hide in the back of the class on my computer and an entire semester would go by without my classmates learning pretty much anything about me. now its not only customers but coworkers, youll say some embarrassing shit, which isnt uncommon when youre there as many hours as you are since you start to get rambly, and you cant just shrug it off bc guess what youll see them again tomorrow and the next day and the next day...

ive already had to leave early bc of panic attacks on two different occasions. ive already cried while out on the floor. ive already cried in front of multiple leads and managers. and again, you have to face them again and god its humiliating. 

i just constantly find myself needing time in complete isolation and silence to recuperate, but not having much of it. typically, i only have 2-3 hours after i get home to do anything before i go to bed, and it usually takes me that much time just to catch up on my social media. even if i forgo that for a night, with my attention span, i still cant get much of anything done.

plus im typically busy on any and all of my days off

i just. would really love to have like a week where i just do not have to be seen by a single other person, or at least my public outings can be anonymous like shopping or something. i feel my best on days like that. during quarantine, i honestly had no problem not seeing anyone else besides my parents for more than a year. if anything, i got sick of my parents lol. id spend months on end on my own and dont remember having much of a problem at all with it. sure, id want to remotely hang out with friends, but that would feel more comfortable bc i didnt necesarilly have to be on camera and i could end it whenever i wanted to. i remember going 13 days without setting foot out of my front door and i honestly loved it.

anyway im getting off topic. going back to the matter at hand, i guess my brain is just trained to think that im gonna get a “summer break” at some point but i wont. i feel like i need something like that but idk if i can get it. even if i had my own events going on, it would be nice to have a few days in between where i just had nothing going on, which is what my summers used to be like.

bottom line is this doesnt have to do with my job specifically, its just jobs like this in general. i think in serious enough cases, im good at not just taking what i get but getting what i want out of a situation and i would say thats the case here. im not complaining bc i should have a different job and just dont feel like getting one, im complaining bc capitalism is just inherently like this. my job checks all the main boxes for me: i get pretty much all the days off that i want, the hours are late so it works with my whack sleep schedule, and its not a creative job where theres work to take home, it ends at a certain hour and then you dont have to think about it until you come back, which is p much necessary for my ocd. anything beyond those three factors matters much less. so yah, its the best i can get all things considered, but it still has its issues.

the one potential thing that could get me less social interaction would be training to work in the back, but i mean id still have to socialize with coworkers, plus ive heard you kinda make your own schedule back there so haha thats a no go for my ocd. it also seems too physical for me.

[birbtails]

everything's awful and im so tired of it. i keep not doing laundry so im wearing a shirt thats too tight + is giving me sensory overload and im so fucking far behind on my school work. i swear im trying but its just not enough and none of it makes sense and thats probably because im so far behind but im so tired and i just want someone to help. but i always have to be the one reaching out and i don't know how to do that! i don't know how to tell my professors that yes, i know some of this shit is a month late and i know we only have a few weeks left in the semester but i kinda want to kill myself so can i turn it in by monday? because i swear i can do that. and im dealing with the worst depression ive possibly ever had and i don't really Want to die but if someone killed me or something happened that wouldn't be too bad?? i just want one of my friends to reach out to me and help but they're not going to and i don't really blame them bc everyone has so much shit going on but i honestly just want like,, an older sibling or something to just give me a hug and help me figure out how to deal with everything because im eating an average of a meal and a half a day and i haven't taken my meds in 2 days because i haven't gotten out of bed until 2 pm. i just need help but i don't have anyone to help me. my parents aren't an option (and gods, i can't believe i was starting to almost consider them an option. im so naive) and my brother is younger than me and going through his own shit and i already put so much on him when we were kids and im not super close with most of my friends bc i don't know how to trust people and j is dealing with so much and were growing apart and i don't know how to deal with it because i miss him so much and i don't want to lose him. and my therapist suggested taking a break from school and keeps pushing me to talk with my parents but if i stop school i might legitimately kill myself bc i can't deal with being at home. summers already terrifying me and i have winter break to look forward to (/s) and i do not think i can deal with being back there full time after having lived away from them. im so stressed about school and all i can think to do is show up to office hours and just ask for an extension?? but i don't understand how. why can't there be rule books for this shit??? i just want to understand how to do things, how to interact with people. i can't focus anymore and i hate it. i want to tear my brain out and fix it somehow. i know its adhd and theres nothing broken but gods its so hard. i just want to be able to sit down and do my homework and regularly take showers and eat food and go to class. i know things will get better but they're so hard now. is it so wrong to just want to be taken care of for a bit? just to have someone hold me and to feel safe? just for a little bit.

[crepuscollo]

i will always hate my mom. even when everyone around me loves her and/or enjoys her company, i will never be on their side.

she shouldve established this connection with me when i was a child. not when i was a teenager. i have very little memories of me as a kid but i am so sure that even then, i didnt feel close to her or loved or accepted by her.

i always think maybe theres a deep meaning to how my parents raised me which deeply affected me and thats my “trauma”. but right now im thinking maybe i had such an incomprehensibly ugly childhood where i was so used to blaming my parents (especially my mom ofcourse. i always say my dad never rlly came into my life and i never even knew him or got along with him until we had to stay in alone in kuwait for a week together that one summer. it was really weird. i was shy and scared and awkward but im so much more comfortable now and hes so much more present.).

anyway, i was saying maybe i blamed everything on my parents because it was all i could do. and maybe they allowed it too much, like they do with my brother. its not like they could fix everything, not by magic. but i think i always hoped that they could take all the pain away, just by a hug, if i was lucky enough to get one.

i have no idea why ive been that way since i was soo young. since year 5 and 6 ive had such ugly trouble with opening up to my mom. i remember 2 specific times when i opened up about spiderman 1 and orange-f and she didnt seem to get me either time and i think she told me to stop being friends with orange-f. or she told me orange-f is a bad person… thats not what i needed to here about my closest friend. i needed help dealing with it not cutting her off. jesus christ why did she have to be so logical and religious all the time? maybe my mum never understood me or got me even when i was younger. maybe shes been making my bad days feel worse since forever, so i dont even remember putting these walls between us or forming these coping mechanisms. theyve always just been there.

another thing from my ugly childhood: my best friend. that ugly person i loved the most and never could let go of since day one, even when i felt like i resent and despise her and when i hated everything about her and tried my best not to become her and when i knew i deserved better and when i felt so alone and rejected and hated and judged and misunderstood. she was so fucking toxic. and i needed help. and my school community was so toxic. and i needed help. and i had no one to talk to. since day one. and i needed help. not a parent, not a friend, not even my sister. and i needed help. but no one was there to help.

i guess thats a reason why i always seeked attention. and when i find others getting more attention and validation for doing the same things as me or maybe less things or maybe nothing at all, it makes me feel small and less and invalidated and ridiculous and pathetic and unseen. maybe thats why i used to SH in yr7. it wasnt a way to let the pain out, it was a way to make the pain visible when i was screaming for help and no one saw it. WHY CANT THEY SEE THE PAIN? WHY IS NO ONE HELPING? WHY IS NO ONE DOING ANYTHING? CANT YOU SEE? im in so much pain.

i might not know why i used to suffer such great and unforgettable pain, or why a lot of it still lingers. but just because the reason is not clear does not invalidate me. i will let go of this burning desire to understand myself. because i dont need to explain myself. i can feel things without explaining them to anyone. without explaining the feeling and without explaining the reasons. its okay not to understand and to take your time understanding.

ive always felt like escaping kuwait would help me get better and improve my mental health and make it a lot less fucking draining to keep myself up and out of that dark black hole. maybe thats because this is where i felt all my pain, and to move on and let go, i need to move to somewhere new. with new places to see and make memories in and new people to experience things with. i need to be away from my parents and my friends and establish new, better, healthier connections.

ive really truly never written a post as intensely felt and genuine or authentic as this one. everything i wrote is so godamn real and true. god, this made me realise a lot of things. i dont think i still fully comprehend why my mum taking care of me emotionally has been tarnished since fucking forever but thats okay. i just know thats the way it is and thats enough. its valid. not everything needs a clear, logical explanation.

[keymintt]

GOD would it be lovely if my parents didn't stress me the fuck out!!!!

[earlgreydream]

rough.

| draco x reader | angst | smut |

enemies to lovers 🖤

anon requested. theyre enemies but deep down theres a sexual tension and one day theyre on vacation and have to stay in one room together

cw: angst, name-calling (degradation), hate-fucking, very slightly dubcon

.

“I can’t stand you! I don’t want to stay in a room with you!” You shouted, shoving him away from you.

“I’m just as angry as you! I don’t know how the hell this happened!” Draco snapped, pushing past you into your shared hotel room.

You had gone on vacation to America with some of your schoolmates, and due to a mix up in the planning, you and Draco had ended up in the same hotel room. To make matters worse, the room only had one bed.

Draco was your sworn enemy since first year. He’d embarrassed you in front of the Weasley twins, the boys you had a crush on, and you’d retaliated by tainting the love potion he gave to Pansy. It had started seven years of fighting and backbiting, the two of you always at each other’s throats and never seeing eye to eye.

It had become second nature to fight with Draco. Screaming matches with him lit a specific fire in your belly— different from anything else. It burned through you, igniting every nerve in your body. You thought it was anger, though it proved to be more when nothing satiated the rage, and your mind began to wander.

The electrically charged energy between you was hard to ignore. It was like a live wire, blazing everything in its wake, or an oil spill, turning everything flammable.

.

“Malfoy-” you started, but you were cut off by his sharp glare.

“I was going to suggest that we change quickly and meet the others in the lobby. I was going to ask if I could use the loo, but I was going to give you the courtesy of offering it first,” you hissed, and he shook his head.

“Go, it’s fine.”

You stepped into the bathroom, closing the door. You were desperate for some distance from Draco. You freshened up in the mirror, not taking too long so you didn’t get him even more agitated than he already was.

“What are we going to do about-?”

“We’re going to worry about it when the time comes,” you interrupted, glancing at the one bed.

The bathroom door slammed shut, leaving you alone in the small room. There wasn’t a couch— and the chair simply wasn’t adequate. Ultimately, you both knew the two of you were going to end up in bed together that night, whether you liked it or not.

A deep sigh left your lips, and you grabbed your bag, preparing to meet your friends downstairs. Draco locked the door behind the two of you, and the elevator ride was painfully silent. 

.

“My two favorite people. Sorry about the room situation,” Theo grinned, opening his arms as you walked up to him. 

You stepped into his chest, letting tattooed limbs wrap around you. He kissed the top of your head, grinning into your hair. 

“If Malfoy’s mean to you, you just let me know, okay? I’ll take care of him,” Theo promised you, finally getting you to giggle. 

“Maybe tell her not to be a right bi-”

“Draco, baby, try a little harder,” Theo hummed, kissing Malfoy’s cheek before getting pushed off. You laughed at them. 

Seven years, and you still wondered how it was possible for Theo-- the sweetest boy in the world, to be best friends with Draco Malfoy-- the devil’s incarnate. 

“Come on, we’ll get breakfast then catch the ferry,” Cedric said, handing out ferry passes to your group: Draco, Theo, Blaise, Fred, George, Hermione, Ginny, Pansy, Cedric, and you. 

Hermione took your hand, pulling you from the Slytherin boys. 

“It’s going to be fun. And besides, we’ll only be sleeping in the rooms. It’s not a problem,” Hermione assured you, the girls walking ahead of the others.

“Except there is only one bed,” you muttered, and Ginny and Pansy spun to look at you. 

“Are you serious?” Ginny giggled, and you smacked her arm. 

“It is not funny!”

They held their hands up in defense, though their amusement was clear. You took the subway to the ferry, crowded with American muggles. 

“Careful!” Draco hissed in your ear, catching you ask you lost your balance. His hand went around your waist, pinning you to his chest. 

“M’sorry, I slipped!” you were thankful for him holding onto you, even if you’d never admit it. You gripped the pole for support, trying not to lean into him too much. He helped you off of the train, and you took Theo’s hand as you boarded the ferry. 

“Look at the statue!” you gasped, admiring the skyline and leaning on the railing of the boat as you road to Staten Island. 

“Don’t fall,” Draco came to your other side. 

“Are you serious? Draco, I’m not a child!” you snapped.

“You’re leaning on the railing, and we can’t be using magic to drag you out of the water!”

You shot him an indignant look, and climbed up to stand on the railing. Even Theo looked anxious at your actions. 

“Get the fuck down, right now.” Draco’s grey eyes were wide, and you stared back at him, daring him to touch you. 

“We’re going to dock, and it’ll knock the-” Theo was interrupted before he could finish his sentence. The boat stopped suddenly, and as you caught yourself, Draco grabbed your waist, pulling you off of the railing. 

You shrieked, struggling away as he pulled you down. He refused to let go of you, and you tried to shove him off. 

“Knock it off. And quit doing dangerous shit,” Draco swatted your ass through your denim shorts, making Theo choke on his water bottle. You immediately stilled, staring at him in horror. 

“Did you just spank me?” You gasped, startled. 

He let go of you, answering with only a cold look. You shook your head and went to join the others, Theo and Draco falling into conversation with Cedric and Blaise. 

“What happened back there? We heard you yelling,” Hermione asked, grinning behind her oversized mirrored sunglasses.

“Draco just being an ass. It’s fine,” you said, stealing her sunglasses and putting them on. 

“Come on, let’s go have some fun.”

. 

You spent the day sightseeing, walking around Staten Island before going back to Manhattan. The sun was warm overhead, the summer heat getting to your minds. You’d managed to avoid bickering with Draco most of the day, but now the sun was hanging low in the sky, casting a golden-orange glow over everything. You were drinking cocktails at a place near Times Square, tired from being on your feet all day.

“Tomorrow we’re going to the MET,” Theo said, checking the plans. 

You stayed out late, talking and laughing until the lights of the city had drowned out the ink-black sky. You were tired, a little buzzed, overly hot, and you wanted to sleep. 

.

“What the hell was that on the ferry? Do you think you can just-?” Draco grabbed your arm, cutting off your rant that you’d saved until you were in private, not wanting to fight in front of your friends. Your back hit the hotel room door, Draco’s chest pressed up against yours.

“Do I think I can just what? Knock that bullshit little smirk off of your face?” Draco seethed. 

“Tell me what to do!” You pushed his shoulders, though he didn’t move.

“It’s clear that you can’t be trusted to make good choices on your own.”

“That’s rich coming from you-” you hissed, feeling the familiar burning spread through your abdomen. 

“You should learn a little respect,” Draco’s hand wrapped around your throat, the rings on his fingers cold against your warm skin. A moan escaped you before you could stop it, and his eyebrows shot up. 

“Is this what you need? Do you just need to have the bitch fucked out of you?” You squirmed, gripping his wrist and trying to pry his hand off of your throat. 

You were seething, the energy between you becoming intensely sexually charged. You hated yourself for growing aroused, but you couldn’t keep the heat from spreading through your body, and you were becoming keenly aware of your throbbing sex. 

Draco pushed his knee between your thighs, and you shook your head. 

“No, no.”

“No? You aren’t horny and desperate? I know how much you hate me, and I know you’ve been dying to release all that pent up energy. You’re going to be sleeping in the same bed with me tonight, trapped under the sheets with my body. If you don’t act now, you’ll have to go untouched for the next week of this trip...” he smirked, knowing he had leverage, able to see how desperate you were. 

Truly, Draco was desperate for you too. You made him so angry, but you managed to turn him on as you got under his skin. He was aroused now, growing harder as he watched you squirm in pure need. He was waiting to hear you say yes, to give in. He may have hated you, but he wasn’t an animal. 

You bit your lip so hard you tasted metal, trying to hold in a scream. Your chest heaved with heavy breaths, your eyes narrowed into a glare. His thigh was pressed against your sex, and you fought against the urge to grind against him, desperate for friction. 

“Fuck,” you swore, and Draco squeezed your throat, making you whimper. 

“Is that a no, Y/N? Do you want me to let go of you? Let you go finger yourself in the shower?” he mocked you. 

“I hate you.”

“I know. It’s mutual, love.”

“Alright, Draco. Please fuck me. But this doesn’t mean anything!”

He smirked, letting go of you and tossing his shirt aside. You rid your own clothes with his, freezing as your eyes lingered on his naked body. The need and arousal pulsing through your body was overpowering, and just the sight of him was making you falter. 

“Do you need me to do everything for you? Get over here,” Draco’s hand wrapped around your elbow, tugging you toward him. He ripped your panties off, the veins in his hand flexing at the display of strength.

“Draco!”

“Save it.”

Draco hauled you to the bed, bending you over the edge. You struggled, trying to sit up. He shoved your head back down, pressing your chest against the duvet. 

“Are you serious?” you snapped as he gripped your wrists in one hand, holding them at the small of your back. 

“You’re going to lay here and be good or you’re not going to get fucked at all,” Draco threatened, and you burned in shame. You stopped straining yourself to look at him, residing to resting your head on your side, ceasing your struggle against his hold. 

A choked groan left your lips as Draco slammed into your cunt all at once. He buried himself deep enough to where his hips were pressed to your ass, his body bent over yours. Draco slammed into you, frustration powering his rough thrusts. You writhed under his strong grip, moaning and squealing as he tore into your tight heat. Even with how wet you were, your body spasmed at the force. 

It felt primal, rough, and dirty. 

Fucking Draco was scandalous, even for you. The two of you getting so angry that the energy had to be channeled into sex felt deviant, Draco’s cock tainting your innocence with every thrust. 

You felt better than Draco had imagined. Your noises were erotic, encouraging him more than the momentum he was gaining. He kicked your legs further apart, shoving himself deeper into your sex. Your moan was muffled by the duvet, squeezing your eyes shut. It felt like he was tearing you open, and you couldn’t get enough. Your head was spinning, and your fingers flexed, the only part of your body you could move freely against his hold. 

“You’re fucking divine,” Draco breathed, reaching his hand under the two of you. His fingers found the area where your bodies connected, sliding upward through your folds. 

“Draco, fuck, please!” you cried, arching your back as he pressed against your nerves. 

“Please what, love? Are you going to quit being contrary?”

“Yes, I’ll do anything, just please touch me there,” you begged, abandoning your stubbornness.

You buried your face in the bed and screamed, your back curving into a bow as he fucked into you in time with the circles he was tracing with skilled fingers.

Draco swore as you pulsed around him, squeezing his cock as you cried from euphoria. Electricity shot through your limbs, your orgasm ripping through your body. Draco was quick to follow, pulling out and coming over your ass, watching you shudder and throb around nothing. 

As his memories being frustrated with you returned, he continued his assault on your clit, pinching you harshly to watch you writhe and scream. 

“Draco, Draco, I’m sorry, I’ll be nice, just stop!” you squealed, trying to kick him as he overstimulated you. 

He released you as you asked, taking in the sight of your absolutely wrecked body. Your arms were shaking as you brought them under you, trying to push yourself up onto your elbows. You heaved in deep breaths, still trembling as you came down from your high. 

Draco wiped down your skin for you, finding some decency. 

“Hey, look at me. You alright?” Draco held your jaw, tilting your face up. You nodded, and he slid boxers up his leg before digging for something in his jacket pocket. 

“Y/N. Come here,” Draco’s voice was low and husky, his back to you. 

You forced yourself to stand up, your legs weak as you stepped toward him. You followed Draco onto the balcony, where he sat down on a lounge chair. Ringed fingers wrapped around your wrist, pulling you to sit sideways on his lap. 

His touch was no longer aggressive or harsh, but instead moving you with authority. You held a blanket loosely around your body, shielding you from the cool night air. 

Draco didn’t speak as he pulled a cigarette from the box, putting it between his lips. He lit the end before setting the box and the lighter on the table, leaning his head back and taking a drag. He held your jaw, pressing his lips against yours before exhaling the smoke into your mouth. 

He turned, watching the city lights glitter around you. He offered you the cigarette, and you accepted, sharing with him. 

“Our secret?” you asked softly, and his silver gaze connected with his.

“Our secret.”

“Do you still hate me?” 

The corners of Draco’s lips pulled up, and his fingers brushed over your bare back, his hand resting at the base of your spine. 

“Only when it serves me, I suppose,” he murmured, and you fought off a smile.

“You’ll not bite me in my sleep then?”

“Full of questions. I make no promises, I’ve found I rather like how you taste.”

He kissed you then, under the city lights, tasting like smoke and sage and secrets. 

[lilkermit14]

Lavender & Mint

Fem!reader x Pero Tovar 

Synposis: In the conventional village of Cullfield lived an unconventional woman who served as an apothecary for the townsfolk. Stubborn and set in her ways, the woman of three tens remains unmarried and childless and plans to continue as such for the rest of her life, much to the horror and confusion of the village. But this unconventional woman has some surprises in store for her when an unconventional man named Pero Tovar rides into town, an event that will change both her and his plans forever—and may flip Cullfield upside down too.

Notes: Idk why I kept mentioning poop complications this chapter but I’m sorry and enjoy. It’s been a while but the CHAPTER is here. Please reblog!!!!

General Warnings: minor injuries, slow-burn, eventual smut, blood, childbirth

For this chapter: Non-sexual references to poop, mention pregnancy, murder, implicit brief reference to infanticide or child abandonment, pre-marital pregnancy and it’s complications in the 1400s, religious “morals”. 

Chapter 5: Garlic 

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“When was the last time you passed bowels, Mister Ashdown?” you inquire, pressing on the old man’s stomach knowing you have found the root cause of his stomach issues. He blinks for a moment thinking as he lays on your observation table, before telling you, “quite some time I’m afraid.”

“I see,” you move your hands away putting your hands on your hips, “well, it seems that you just have a case of constipation––burdensome but not something hard to fix or that will have you laying on your deathbed.”

“You sure?” he asks, almost confused, moving to rise up from the table by himself only for you to come to his assistance. You clarify yourself, “Yes, you have many signs that point to it. It can be caused by a lack of competitive foods in your diet and is more likely with old age.”

“I’m not that old,” He interjects, but you compete, “Yes, but you're old enough for a blockage sir––you’ll be glad to know you’ll live to be truly old as long the burden is treated.”

He huffs now in a sitting position with legs dangling from the table, “so what do you have so i’ll shit.”

You huff at his language, “standard garlic will help move the process along, and I’m suggesting you make sure to eat more greens and berries to clear your system.”

You always assumed that you were let free to discuss any matters with your patients when they were the only ones in the shop, as no one else resided in your residence besides you. But that arrangement had changed and you were not the only one that resided in your home, “If my cock and bowels stop working just have someone put me out of my misery.”

You turn rigid and scandalized to see the face of Pero Tovar standing in your back entrance of the shop—entered unbeknownst to you through quiet steps and a lack of clear view. Mister Ashdown has no qualms defending himself, “I’m only five tens and if my cock doesn’t work how is my wife pregnant?”

You want to scream having to hear this conversation and did certainly not want to be reminded of the conversations you were subjected to by Farrah Ashdown. When the woman at four tens and five found out she was pregnant she spared no expense in telling you how it happened. You opted to rush him along before you could get his account of what he does with his wife, “okay sir here’s your supply get going now.”

“Enjoy the shit,” you hear Pero say and before mister ashdown can respond he is out your door. You turn to Pero fury and rage evident on your face as you are prepared to let the flames of hell loose on him. All he has is a stupid look on his face as he lets out the word, “what?”

“You bastard,” you begin pointing your finger at him moving towards him with menace in your voice towards a man that stands unbothered, “you do not talk to ANY of my clients in such manner especially in my shop.”

“Why is that hermosa? I would be rude to that man outside of your business, what makes your apothecary different?” He queries again with that name, only increasing your anger and distaste for him at the moment. With clenched teeth, you answer him, “I don’t care what you say to Mister Ashdown in town, but my shop is a place of respect––a place where anyone can come for health problems even if they are embarrassing. I want people to know they won’t be judged here because if they feel like they will be, they will come when it’s too late and I can’t do anything for them.”

Pero raises his brow at you, but lets you continue your rant uninterrupted, “When my mother was still alive, a young woman at ten and six came to us complaining of diarrhea, something she was embarrassed to talk about because it was gross and she did not want suitors to find out. Turns out she had sickness from a miasma––we took one look down the town well and discovered a deer had fallen in and died overnight.”

“That was lucky,” he comments, still invested in your story despite the vile nature of talking about excretion. You continue, “Yes, and we may not have caught it so soon if she didn’t come to us. The sickness is fast acting, in hours many more villagers could have been sick, but it was only her––and she lived.”

“Lived?” you smile at his question feeling pride at the healing powers your mom had and hope you live up to, “Yes, the sickness causes dehydration quickly but if you keep the person well hydrated and area clean to prevent reinfection––they will live. This summer she gave birth to her third child at my aid.”

“So their trust is important to you?” you give him a simple nod, glad he is understanding what you were asking of him. You turn to clean up the materials you had brought out to examine Mister Ashdown, not realizing that Pero was not done with questions, “Like how that woman came to you the other day crying in distress?”

You freeze––you had really thought the interest in Mariam had ended when William had first asked you about her the day after asking if she was okay. You nodded and told him it was just feminine needs and didn’t serve much interest in men, something that usually turned men away from asking questions. Well not Pero Tovar I guess, “Why was she crying?”

“It’s a complicated matt––”

“Things of safety are something I have to worry about you know,” He interjects, and you turn your head looking at him to see something serious cross his face, “I have to keep everyone in this village safe––you in particular hermosa––and I want to know if theres something you need to tell me.”

“Part of gaining trust is not telling personal information,” you counter, pulling together to formulate a lie, “It’s nothing of safety she was upset about something––she’s a friend of sorts to me.”

You can tell he doesn’t buy it––he can probably pull the full story together even though you doubt he’s heard a single thing about Mariam’s husband beating her––but he accepts, slouching and learning against a table in thought, “William and I may go for a short hunt––there's not much action in this town I’m afraid and we could use some fresh game.”

You nod, “If you catch any pigeon, I know how to handle it so it's not gamey.”

He huffs, “We're not very good hunters I’m afraid, so you’ll probably only get that or rabbit.”

–––––––––––––––––––

Pero Tovar had useful traits to him––like getting you pigeons––but he was mostly an annoyance. His mere presence always had you on edge, as you waited for something, something from him. It was usually something he said but if not it was his scent or stench rather of pine and something that was him. It was also his sloppy manner, the way he seemed raised with no table manners as he ate all your meals. He spoiled Mite, petting him and feeding him table scraps much to your despair. He was also too loud, his boots filling up the cottage and shop with noise, something that never usually happened.

You lent some time today to make more bread for the household, settling at your dining table and working the necessary ingredients for dough together. Mite lays in the corner, not doing his job as per usual and watching you with some sort of interest in the mannerisms of bread making, but he was likely just hoping for more food in the future. Kneading dough you begin to imagine the dough is Pero kneading your frustration into it. You press and it is his stupid broad shoulders that take up too much space. You pull, it’s the curls on the nape of his neck that are too unruly and untidy. You slam it down, it’s that stupid smile that appears on his face when you have entertained him. God you hate Pero Tovar.

“You may want to stop before you overwork the dough sweetheart,” You stop and see Mildred Becker staring at you with an amused look on her face. You huff Jesus, what does she want, “Sorry for my state, I didn’t hear you enter.”

“Don’t worry I understand too well––I always work out my anger into the dough,” you chuckle a little thinking about how a woman with too many children works out anger the same way as you––you definitely hate Pero Tovar, “I just stopped by because I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

You perk up, “Is Cateline suffering from baby blues again.”

“No, No thank the lord––we’ve been watching over her better this time,” Mildred rounds off, and you remember despite the grievances she gives you, she is a good mother to her children. She was the first to notice that something was wrong with her daughter after the birth and came to you to talk about it. From there Cateline was able to recover and enjoy motherhood, “Something with your house guest Pero Tovar has come to my attention.”

“What did he do,” You ask, prepared to beat Pero Tovar with your broom, but Mildred settles you, “nothing he did, just something someone is doing around him.”

You raise your brow at her beckoning her to continue, “You know Stanislava Rolfe?”

“Of course,” you affirm, surprised she is asking you such a question when you have treated everyone in Cullfield five times over. Mildred continues, “Yes well, She has begun to work at the Inn as a barmaid––she did well with charming Balthasar I guess.”

You were wondering why a poor farmer's daughter’s career path interested you, but you didn’t interject, “I happened to take a quick ale there with my husband, when I noticed something with her and Pero Tovar. You see she appeared extra flirtatious with him––and although barmaids usually are flirty with men in hopes for extra coin, it was more intentional.”

You frown, how could such a beautiful young girl be interested in such a disgusting brute, “Why is she interested in him?”

“Who knows? Many of the girls around Cullfield were excited to see unfamiliar battle-hardened men I supposed,” She ponders for a moment, “all we do know is that she is likely interested in him.”

“I don’t think he is interested in taking a wife,” You contest, brushing aside that Pero would have feelings for the young girl of two tens. Mildred just gives you a hardened stare, “He doesn’t have to be interested in matrimony to want something from her.”

Oh

“Was he showing interest back?” you dig trying to figure out the full extent of what you are formulating must be a whirlwind romance. Mildred hums, “no I suppose not, but sometimes men take persistent interest as a way to have a good time.”

You bite your lip remembering that Pero did not fornicate with prostitutes but barmaids, and feel a ball of ache and pain in your stomach at the thought. Mildred instates, “I came to you about this because I want you to try to stop it.”

“Stop it?”

“Yes, make it clear he is to not have such guests,” Mildred explains, and you can tell by her tone and expression you are in for some sort of story, “You know well enough that things go arigh when an unmarried woman gets pregnant, right.”

“Of course,” you remember the chaos that erupted in families when one of their daughters ended up pregnant, and the hasty weddings that came from it. But Mildred had a different story, “although most of the time it gets swept under the rug with a quick marriage and everyone just chooses to ignore it––horrid things can happen when there's not one.”

Mildred sits down at the nearby table, in clear thought of something dark and you go to sit down at a nearby chair, “When I was about ten and eight, and old enough to understand these things, a girl was taken advantage of by a soldier in our village. She was ten and six, and him far older so he should have had the wisdom not to mess with her. What mattered was after it happened, he left with his troop and was never seen in my home village again. She got pregnant, and tried to hide it at first––her mom was dead and she had no older sisters or aunts to go to, so she was afraid to go to her father. When it became too obvious, hate inspired awful things in the leaders of the village, and by the time she gave birth it accumulated.”

Mildred takes a moment to pause, emotions brewing inside her and you feel yourself frozen in place, “she tried to talk to them, pleading, saying he pressured her––persuaded her, but they all pointed and said witch and condemned her son too. She was burn’t at the stake, and her son––well he was never seen again.”

A pause fills the air as you sit in shock, digesting what Mildred has told you, “I’m sorry you had to witness that.”

Mildred huffs, “I’m sorry too, I made sure to get a husband that would get me out of that village and landed a good one on the way––I had seen what that village did to women and children for the sake of moral value and did not intend to stay so my daughters could see too. Adultery is a two person crime that only one party, the feminine one, receives punishment for.”

“So that's why Pero and Stanislava are of such concern to you?” You assume, and Mildred nods, “Although I think Cullfield is of better standing, I don’t desire to find out what they would do if such a case erupted. The girl may be doing this because she intends to capture a man with a better job, but mercenaries rest for a few women and not those of ten and eight.”

“I can understand her intentions I suppose,” you contemplate, believing that she doesn’t hold much true interest in him, but for a better life. Mildred hums, “so is there a chance you can talk to Pero about it?”

“I already established that he is to not bring guests into my home, and I doubt they would find a secluded enough place otherwise,” you reassure, standing up, “I can even remind him today if you would like.”

“That would be good,” Mildred agrees, joining you in standing and allowing you to guide her to the door, “be on the lookout too if you see her come preying––even though he lacks true interest.”

“I will,” you say, and somewhere in your heart you feel prepared to beat Stanislava Rolfe with your broom instead of Pero.

________________

Gardening was no easy task but it was the most necessary task the runner of an apothecary and a household had. Today your tending to crops was more focused on your food supply rather than collecting the necessary ingredients to keep your shop running. You're pleased to see that the last of your harvest grew well, and know that your winter stock will last even with your house guest. You had already pulled out all the carrots, and beets, and had shucked the vines wounding your house of beans and brussel sprouts. You were now left to work at the tough vines of the gourds and squash, planning on leaving the single pumpkin for Pero to handle––who should be on his way home from helping Balthasar with something at his inn.

Standing up with the final gourd in hand––you see something that fills you with immediate displeasure and sickens you to your core. Pero is walking up to your house pursued by Stanislava. You don’t quite know why you feel this angry at him; maybe it’s because you gave him explicit reminders on conduct or maybe––something else. Seeing the near, and well hearing Stanislava, you attempt to think fast to try to get her to leave. Greeting them both in an unnatural kind manner, “Pero, Stanislava, greetings.”

Pero gives you an immediate strange look while his shadow is oblivious and greets you back, “I was just telling Pero this wonderful stor––”

“Oh I must ask how is your rash healing up,” You feel like clapping your hands over your lips the moment the words fly out of your mouth. Stanislava stops in her tracks staring at you blankly, “what?”

“The one I gave you the ointment for––on your groin,” Oh my God what were you doing.

Stanislava turns bright red, “Good thank you––I––I have things to tend to at home, good evening you two.”

Stanislava hurries off, and an amused smile erupts on Pero’s face, “thank you for finally scaring that crow off––she’s been yapping my ear off with nonsense for weeks––I guess you're my scarecrow.”

“Excuse me?” scarecrow, you were going to kill this man. He smiles, a genuine smile, “Yes you scared off my crow––like a scarecrow would. Plus you're covered in leaves right now.”

“Do not call me that”

“Fine mi espantapájaros”

“I swear I’ll smother you in your sleep”

“Is that a true promise for you? Like how you promised not to tell customers private information yet just shouted about the crow’s crotch rash,” at that your body works on it’s own, taking the gourd in your hand and flinging it at Pero’s chest. It was a magnificent shot, and caused the vegetable to break and splatter it’s internal organs onto Pero’s chest and neck. Pero steps back from the impact and looks down on the goop he’s now covered in, “Now, no good espantapájaros does that.”

You press your palm to your face, “Just cut the pumpkin for me and bring it inside, you could use a good bath anyway, your stench is disgusting.”

“I do not smell,” he retorts, and you ignore him, bringing inside your harvest. You really do hate Pero Tovar.

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Apothecary’s feelings––hate or nah yall?

Garlic is use to treat a lot of ailments in Arab traditional medicine, including  heart disease, high blood pressure, arthritis, toothache, infections, and––as seen in this fic––constipation. Listen, I know the constipation part is true because I ate a pesto made with raw garlic and LORD did I shit. Anything else, not quite sure but hey worth a shot if you are desperate. 

It is also seen as an immune booster for colds and coughs––in fact if you are congested from a cold putting a clove of garlic in each nostril can clear that shit OUT.  

Garlic is also believed to help asthma symptoms. IDK if it actually is true but that’d be iconic because my mom loves garlic and she has asthma. 

Garlic is my favorite seasoning. I put it in my soup. I put it in my eggs. I put it in my ramen. I put it in my burgers. I put it in my cooch––

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