#i have an interview today and i feel so guilty for even applying

[avpdpossum]

an unstoppable force (my moral objection to working in a psychiatric setting because i know the abuse that so often takes place there and i can’t stand the idea of ever participating in or benefiting from something that treats people that way) meets an immovable object (i made the mistake of being a psych major years ago so now those are the most common jobs in my area that i’m actually qualified for and i need money so bad if i want to get out of the hell house i live in anytime soon)

[hellenhighwater]

Hi Hell, congrats on the exciting foster kitten news!

I just applied to adopt a kitten and had my interview for her today. The woman seemed most interested in convincing me of how terrible dry food, traditional litter (she preferred clay), and tap water is for cats. She said the carbohydrates and ingredients were terrible for their kidneys, the dust in litter is bad for their lungs, and the chlorine in water is harmful. I have a 12 year old cat named Scipio who has been using those things all his life, and now I feel guilty and scared for his health. He seems perfectly healthy to me but she said “cats are stoic.” What do you use with the Tiny Terrors? Is she extreme?

Well, I'm not a vet, so the actual answer is that your cat should be getting what their doctor recommends. But I've had those conversations with people before, and I can give my two cents--just take it with a grain of salt.

So...it's basically always true that you can spend more money on fancier 'health' options and there is, to some extent, benefit to the pricier choices. But there's a point at which that benefit is pretty minimal compared to what you get for the midrange price options. This is as true for pet health as it is for people health.

It's true that wet food is usually a better option for cats. Among other things, it helps them stay at a healthy level of hydration, can be easier on their digestive systems, and is often more palatable for cats who are elderly or have dental problems. But that doesn't mean that dry food is inadequate--Mal and Vice used to split a can of wet food daily, and graze dry food whenever they wanted. They're currently eating almost exclusively dry food, because Vice is on a sensitive skin and stomach diet to help address his overgrooming. I would avoid the bottom-end dry foods, because they seem prone to contamination, but that's more manufacturer quality than an issue with the dry food generally. Dry food is usually a nutritionally complete way to feed a cat, and there's nothing wrong with it.

Mal and Vice drink tap water. They have a bowl of still water, and a fountain with an inbuilt filter. The fountain is because if they don't have running water, they will make running water by splashing their bowls all over. I can't speak to chlorine but it's definitely healthier than drinking out of puddles, which is what they would be doing if left to their own devices.

They use clay litter because that's what's effective and affordable. When I'm changing it out I generally give it a few minutes for dust to settle before I let them at it--someone always wants to make a deposit in the clean box--but there's pros and cons to all the litter options out there.

In a perfect world with infinite resources, I'd be feeding the cats a careful balanced diet of fresh-prepared meats and filtered spring water, and they'd take dumps in a tiny kitty toilet that cleaned itself without my help. But that's not really practical or achievable for me, my life, or my cats, and frankly, it's not necessary. I want them to have a good life. It doesn't need to be a perfect one. If your cat is doing well, and their vet is giving them a clean bill of health, you probably have nothing to worry about. I'm not a professional; you should consult your vet and research options for yourself (which is what I do) but you're not doing anything wrong here.

I will say that when I was going through the process of adopting Mal and Vice, some places (usually private rescues) wanted me to jump through INSANE hoops to even apply. I respect that their hearts are in the right place, but... There are hundreds of kittens in shelters right now that need homes desperately, and the quality of the cat has very little to do with the quality of the rescue--they might have more or less vet work done, depending on where they're coming from, but nobody's managed to fundamentally change the nature of the beast. If you can provide a safe home, food, clean water, and attention to a cat, that's really all they need. The rest is just gravy.

[soft-and-bitter]

maybe you could be the one (3)

Chris Evans x Personal Assistant!Reader

Part 1 Part 2

You try figuring out what to do next after Chris goes and publicly admits that he needs you more than anything. Worse, he isn't done just yet.

Word Count: 1.9k

If you enjoyed this, please consider reblogging or leaving some feedback, thanks! ❤

Despite your close proximity to Chris, few actually take notice of you. That's no accident on your part, though. In your opinion, it's one of the reasons why you've done well in the role thus far and partly why you might've landed the job somewhat precipitously in the first place: you really know how to sink into the background. Your clothing is professional but terribly non-descript, with only the barest hint of a family heirloom peaking out beyond your collar; your makeup, while deftly applied, is minimal. The message is clear: Chris is the star of the show. Period. Any member of staff, especially a personal assistant, is relegated to obscurity.

So it's rather unpleasant of a surprise to feel so many pairs of eyes on you, slithering along the spine of your back, the bare surface of your forearms. People are meant to see you then forget you as soon as Chris so much as drifts into their periphery, but their lingering gazes today suggests otherwise. You've only introduced yourself to a handful of the crew members here, and never once did you actually mention that you're Chris' PA. With the way you hover about him, though, it shouldn't be too hard to put two and two together.

Even as the interview draws to a close and the last animal is ushered off the set, you're still not able to find any sign on his face whatsoever to indicate whether he's affected by his own admission; not a pause of surprise, nor a guilty frown. Nada. Chris just sails on smoothly like the seasoned celebrity he is, never once wavering, his hearty laughter infectious, his body language open and brimming with affection.

You, on the hand, are another story. Hand gripping your work phone like some talisman, you try to hide the mortification you fear might've made it onto your face, Chris' words racing through your head on an endless loop. That, and the various ways you might be able to murder him without getting caught. Throw him overboard a cruise moving through the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, maybe? Maritime laws are more lax when it comes to murder, if you're recalling correctly from that Netflix documentary you watched not so long ago...

I sure don't think I could live without her.

Did he really have to say that? More importantly, why are you so concerned he was being genuine when he did? That's the thing that bothers you: the spontaneity of it all. Well, you think it was, anyway. But was it? Who can say when dealing with an actor like him?

The set breaks into joyful applause once the cut is yelled. Like a spell broken, there's a sudden flurry of motion as crew members continue about the rest of their day; you move aside as one of the cameramen wheels his equipment across the studio. When you look back to find Chris, he's already meandered off the set with one of the animal keepers, nodding emphatically at whatever's being said.

You take a deep breath before exhaling slowly, trying to chase away the same words that keep running through your mind, the one you want to throttle Chris for. The interview's finished, you remind yourself, and most of the crew have already gone back to their day. Now it's time for you to go back to yours, especially when there's still such a long way go to before it's done.

Chris is in the middle of a hug as you approach slowly, still trying to expel any trepidation that clings to you. You pause just a few steps back while he agrees to some selfies that the remaining crew members ask for, but as soon as he catches sight of you, Chris grins widely. You feel multiple sets of eyes on you again, their gazes focused a bit too long. Damn it.

"Onward, soldier?" Chris says by way of greeting, moving towards you. In response you smile back, determined to keep it cool. Nothing to see here folks, you want to assure everyone still hovering about, only you suspect that that may pique their curiosity even further.

"Yes, onward. But hey, don't expect another menagerie at the Shangri-La. Or anywhere else, for that matter." That gets a few light chuckles out of those still remaining.

He winks at you, blue eyes sparkling with calm mischief. "Too bad. I just love it when things get freed from their cages once in a while."

Even once you're both in the SUV, heading off to the next location for the day's final stretch of press work, you hesitate to bring up what just transpired. Now that you've left Venturepop Media behind you, its main studio no larger than a spot in the rear windscreen, most of your mortification must've stayed back too. You're still mildly vexed, not to mention confused, but at least murder is no longer on your mind.

The car is charged with silence as Melvin, today's chauffeur, navigates down a street already congested. The bodyguard assigned for this leg of the tour sits beside him, wordless. You realize, a bit suddenly, that too long an unspoken moment might be dangerous; it means more time for the both of you to think about what happened. Now that you've got some of your bearings together, you realize you don't want to upset the equilibrium.

"Those animals made a mess on your shirt," you comment, sitting beside him. Your intentions aside, it's quite true.

You watch as Chris shifts his gaze downward. He pulls at an unruly cluster of red fur on his right shoulder. "What are you going to do about it?"

The SUV slows for a red light as you unzip your knapsack. The lint roller you're searching for is hidden beneath a pack of Chris' Marlboros and a tightly bundled chord for phone charging; you dig it out as the car accelerates again. "It's either this or another shirt," you respond, holding up the roller in a way not totally unlike the rubber slipper your mom used for doling out punishment when you were younger.

"Which shirt are we talking about?" he asks.

"It's the one Leland thought you'd look dynamite in until you somehow managed to talk him out of it."

"Well, looks like the universe has spoken," he says, pulling the ends of his shirt from the waistband of his pants. Before you can even protest, Chris is already pulling the yellow Gucci top over his head in the cramped space of the SUV, chest bared to you and everyone else present. Those in the front of the car say nothing. It seems they've been exposed to stranger sights just as much as you have.

You meant to suggest he change over at the Shangri-La, but the words die in your throat and you sigh quietly instead, turning in your seat to reach behind it, where a garment bag hangs from an attached hook.

"Just so you know, I meant what I said back there."

You freeze. Fuck.

Another silence prevails, this one more potent than the last. You're still facing away from him, thank god; is it possible for you to pretend you just didn't hear?

"Ditto, I think you need to say something."

Guess not.

You turn back to face him again, Chris' new shirt in your hands. "Couldn't you have just stuck with Dodger?"

He takes the shirt from you. "I could've, but you know what? I decided I didn't want to. Besides, I never mentioned you by name and you're leaving me soon, so there's nothing to worry about if you think this is going to blow up in your face or something like that. It won't."

Maybe it's the nonchalance in his tone as he speaks, but something in you tears open. Curiosity? Confusion? A bit of both? Whatever it is, it's fueling your courage rapidly.

"Chris, you just publicly admitted you can't live without me."

"And yet you're leaving anyway."

A response bubbles in your mouth, but it's a shriek that erupts from your throat instead as you land hard against Chris while the SUV makes a violent swerve, the move so sudden and heart-stopping you blank out completely, all your thoughts dropping off a mental cliff like it didn't know was there.

A car horn blares, long and obnoxious and angry; it's Melvin doing that, you realize. "This dumb asshole," you hear him curse before he looks around his headrest. "Sorry, friends," he says.

"Wouldn't mind getting to the next spot in one piece," Chris jokes, one strong wrapped protectively around your shoulder, his other hand splayed against the tinted passenger window for purchase. "You okay?" he asks, looking down at you. The hard band of his Rolex digs into your shoulder, but it also works to remind you that you're still here and alive.

Your heart pace is just beginning to normalize as you raise yourself back into an upright position, brushing off his arm. "I'm fine, thanks. Are you okay? Is the shirt okay? I won't hear the end of it from Leland if it's not."

Chris straightens his collar with a dramatic flourish. "The shirt will remain intact."

"Speaking of things remaining intact," you begin, just as you catch the first sight of the Shangri-La in Chris' passenger window, "we're good for the rest of your interviews today, right? As in, no more going off-script like you just did?"

He leans back against the leather seat, arms folded before him. "I guess that depends. Are you going to free up one of my evenings while we're in Seoul like I've been asking you to?"

You hold back a sigh. There's more yet to unpack regarding Chris' behaviour, but the idea that he might pull this act again when you know his publicist is already going to call you up before the week closes does not bode well for you. It's Marianne who will sign off on the final cut of that Venturepop interview; you realize, with no small measure of relief, that she'll likely have the Kit Kat segment pulled out entirely. Who's to say what she'll make of the following interviews, though?

"Buddy, I'm trying. Right now the best I can do is smuggle you out of that Hyundai afterparty you promised Nick you'd attend. And come on now, you've already experienced South Korea enough times before, haven't you?"

There's a firm set in his jaw. "Are you going to work your magic for me or not?"

You hesitate, silently cursing Bong Joon-Ho or whoever it was he was trying to score brownie points with through this little foray in Seoul. Wasn't it Chris himself who mentioned to you that the director was set to make another movie in English? You can already imagine the stories he'll post on his Instagram, though you doubt Bong would be that impressed with such meagre level of devotion. Honestly, though? Whatever.

"If I do this, you'll keep to the script for the rest of today and the rest of the tour," you state. This would be it, your final push.

Without warning Chris reaches out, long fingers brushing strands of hair away from your face and over the curve of your ear. "Done."

You don't get much chance to react; through his passenger window, you can see a valet attendant pull his door open. Chris turns away from you to get out, but just as quickly whips his head back.

"And ditto? Make sure to be free that evening."



Chris being like, 'if I can't bargain with her to stay, I'll bargain with her for a date lol.'

I'm sure it's obvious, but in case it's not I am playing hard and loose with the location, Chris' career timeline, everything y'all. If I had to place this story anywhere, I'd say it's when he was promoting Avengers: Endgame in 2019, but a pre-pandemic setting is really all you need to remember for the sake of this. Huge thanks to everyone that reblogged or left feedback, which includes but is not limited to:

@emoalien69 @peteseyy @themorningsunshine @lovenewfandoms @pono-pura-vida @@she-wolf09231982 @blondekel77 @hopefulbonkvoidland @ghostlychaostimemachine @sully-stick-together @kookiemonster221 @rebloggingfanfictioninthechaos @sapphire-rogers @secondevilex @mansaaay @marvelstarker-mha98

[boltedfruit]

Employment Struggles

I'm going to do something shocking and use this as an actual blog post.

I am SO sick and tired of applying to jobs, only to be ignored completed, or even worse the interview is scheduled and then the role is filled before I can interview. Today the interview was cancelled a minute before the scheduled time. Then the person who would be interviewing me ignored me on email and phone.

I am mentally exhausted. I am broke all the time. I don't get unemployment because I've never been eligible for it. The only good thing about this is that I have full healthcare coverage and food stamps.

I am a medical assistant with experience, I am a certified professional medical coder with internship experience, I have experience in retail, yet I cannot even get a call back from McDonald's, let alone a good healthcare job.

I've considered becoming a behavioral health tech, but I just truly don't want to be hit/bitten at work. I also couldn't deal with the families of children disagreeing with a preset therapy plan while I'm physically stuck in their home. The other options I was looking at was security, or 911 dispatcher, but dispatch classes are few and far between into next year, and also expensive. And security can be dangerous.

At this point, being 30 and just defeated by how unsuccessful I am in life, I am considering going to a trade school. Like welding. Or automobile tech or something that is actually in demand. There is literally no other options for me and I'm literally five minutes outside of San Francisco. I am mildly considering an IT course, but tech is so unstable and unsafe while also being over saturated right now and I don't trust it. But then, you have to deal with stereotypical personalities in 'conservative' trade jobs too. The other risk is I spend time and money doing a trade school and then no one wants to hire me (like I've done twice now). I don't know what to do.

The trades I'm considering:

Electrician

Welder (part of machinist trade) (honestly this is most appealing to me)

Aircraft Maintenance Technology (Can't hurt with SFO next to me and their planes literally falling to pieces in the sky every week)

HVAC (still don't really understand what this job even is)

The guilt I'm feeling is that I am about to finish my BA in psychology next month, and I'm waiting to hear back from the two colleges I applied to for a Master's to become a therapist. If I get in to my top choice, that's $60k+ I'll need to fund. If I get into the state school, which is slim, that's likely covered by school loans, but I'll still want to make some kind of income for three years I'm in the program. If I don't get into either program, then my last choices are: work while getting med school pre-reqs done, or work while doing an online MFT program (which I really don't want to do an online only program but if it's accredited at the end of the day I don't care.) The online only school would also be $60k+ so I'd need to work regardless.

I'm feeling guilty too because I've never been the fanartist who can drop a new print and have thousands of followers want it. I can't make money that way. Commissions have always been my most lucrative offering as an artist, but it's often mentally very taxing. It's also unstable. I don't have a lot of followers to drum up a successful pays-my-rent-every-month Patreon, and with the way of algorithms and sites are these days, I likely won't ever. I'm not trying to complain for sympathy, but this is just how it's been for me.

I know it's stupid to feel guilty for things like this, but I just am in this nebulous space between being apparently unemployable while also not being unemployable enough to receive livable benefits while continuing job hunting.

So I guess I'm looking for opinions on trade professions. I'm trans, but I pass masc in public save for my voice really. I also am not the kind of person to wear pride pins or color my hair rainbow, which would draw attention that way. I'm not too concerned about mean people in a trade job, because honestly the rudest people I've worked with have been in healthcare anyway. And a trade job would mean no customer service positions/working with my hands, which requires little mental gymnastics.

Also pointless, but true, I keep thinking of Debbie in Shameless getting her welder certification after becoming a teen parent.

I guess the takeaway here is, I'm more willing to be hurt on the job by a machine mistake on my part than I am willing to be hurt by other people assaulting me (very real in healthcare jobs/security) while working.

What do you think?

[mentally-illenial]

Content Warning ⚠️ : drug mention, PTSD, stress and complaining

We officially sold the big car yesterday. There's a demand for used and new cars right now; dealerships have been shrinking in inventory since last summer. So a local dealership was quick to offer us our asking price, which is a godsend, honestly. But I didn't feel any relief or happiness about it yesterday. I know it's going to take a huge chunk out of our bill debt, and I'm incredibly grateful we had the resource to use as needed... But I feel bad. I feel guilty about selling a very generous gift that we only had for a year. I feel stressed that we had to downsize because we can't even afford something as simple as the gas for the big car, let alone should anything happen to it. I'm stressed that we lost a valuable vehicle, as our family is ever growing and genuinely could use the extra space and power (towing, storage, etc). And I'm anxious as fuck about the financial situation still. I've been applying for jobs regularly, and without bias; I had an interview at the most depressing Aldi store I've ever seen in my life the other day. I'm willing to work in service or retail hell to keep us balanced. But I'm honestly not content with the situation. And though selling the car brings in a significant amount of monetary relief, it feels like I've just borrowed a couple more days of uneasy peace, and that nothing has actually improved.

Last night I was feeling so upset, so I took a kpin before bed. I was tired and needed the sleep, but the anxiety and stress were making my body and mind so tense that it felt like I wasn't even lying there, but instead floating out of pure tension just over the sheets lol. I did knock out eventually, but now I'm groggy and just kind of bummed out today. I have a run that I'm planning to get to soon, and that's a nice thing to look forward to. But then it's back to the job grind, taking care of the house/husband/pups, and just trying to keep moving on. I'm out of a lot of core recipe ingredients. I'm out of my DOC (coffee lol); I have black tea, so at least my caffeine addiction is placated. My husband is just as picky as his kids and prefers foods that I don't have or don't have the ingredients to make right now... And my PTSD gives me extreme anxiety when someone close to me even comes off as upset, whoops.

My goal is to just tighten all the belts and just make it through this summer. I don't want the kids to worry or feel pressured about our financial issues. It's not their responsibility or burden to carry. Unexplainably luckily, my sister and mom have offered to help with groceries while the kids are here, so that's one fewer stressor on my mind for the next two months. Granted, they're preteen and teenaged, so they eat like rabid ship rats lol, so I'm not certain how long things will last. But they do enjoy some very cheap and easy meals like pancakes and chicken and dumplings, so that's stuff I can whip up with relatively cheap ingredients. But I'll have to keep looking for work while trying to keep everyone afloat.

It's not very helpful, also, that it seems all my husband wants to talk about or watch/listen to is bad news. I realize everything is awful right now and good news is few and far between, but every day, all day, he just wants to reiterate all the awful things happening around and to us. It's just his modus operandi for processing, I think, but it really wears me down. I KNOW how fucking terrible everything is. I KNOW how corrupt the government and the powerful corporations they shield are, despite the dire needs of the very people and economy that fund their existence. I KNOW the earth is dying and supply chains are breaking down and people are being violent all the time. Even when I try my damndest to ignore anything but good news/content, the realities seep through. And having my only constant human contact and partner constantly reiterating the awful echoes of our current realities just makes me feel so pressurized. There's no true relief to be had anywhere.

Blegh. Sorry if you read all that and are bummed out now lol. I just don't have anywhere else to put this weight. Which reminds me, I'm also supposed to be looking for a therapist right now... ugh. I hope everyone is hanging in there and doing okay right now. 💙

[pinkopalina]

don't bother reading

today is just not my day. it seems like everybody is doing better off without me and I feel really guilty for changing fandoms because like obviously I'm still interested in stobotnik but like clearly I have something else on my mind now and I'm scared I'm going to lose all my friends over it and also I hate myself for quitting my stupid job that I hated but I should have probably just forced myself through it instead of wanting something else and now I feel like I'm stuck in job limbo and it's only been 3 days but every time I tell myself that another day happens and the amount of days just keeps getting larger and larger and I can't help but spiral and feel shitty and I'm going to feel so stupid if I promised Sam that I could make this Gamble and then I just end up failing and not being able to get a job and one of the jobs that I could be hired for seems like she really likes me and might contact me but I can't have my pink hair and that just depresses me so much but it's possible that I could just spend a lot of money on temporary brown hair spray which I would be willing to do but like who knows if I'm even going to get that job and also my wrists hurt and I have commissions that I need to finish but I hate my art and I don't want to start drawing something because it's going to be hard and every artist has an easier time than I do and they can all just pump stuff out and I can't and I feel worthless and it just feels like society is doing everything in its power to make sure I'm unhappy because like everybody wants to drug test and nobody wants me to have in my hair and like I can't live in a world that is this unpleasurable to live in and I have no confidence in myself with applying to jobs that I might kind of like, I feel like they're just going to pass right over me and go for somebody with more experience or somebody who put a stupid cover letter on their resume and I kind of feel like I'm regressing because I can't feel better and I'm kind of at the point where I feel like I don't deserve to get better but all I do is rot and my home and cry after every job interview and I feel a lot of pain and regret over how I've left the last few jobs and I just don't really know what to do anymore

[borderline-gays-club]

03/07/24. 11:18pm

I had a rough week. A lot of lows and life testing me lol. Just been feeling depressed abt wasting my life at my stupid job and not being able to get anything that’s not customer service related. I haven’t even gotten responses from restaurants: the industry that I have 6 years of experience in…

And I’ve just been applying nonstop to any job that isn’t gonna make me want to die for the past like 3 months. And writing cover letters and constantly looking at jobs that I barely don’t qualify for and the job market in general just being a hellhole. And now that I’m getting a crumb of interviews, just wasting my time going to these things hoping I get hired. It’s just all depressing and it’s been finally hitting me.

And of course bc of all this my money problems are exacerbated and it’s just constant anxiety abt money. And etc etc

I finally mustered up some hope in me like 2 days ago too and just got physically exhausted from my job. Then the next morning I had my whole day planned to keep my hope alive and just got crushed again. I waited 5 hrs outside for a check I didnt even end up getting that day. And it was raining and I was wet and cold and hungry lol. Had to ask my mom for help who has already been helping me a lot with money and I’m very privileged to have her as a safety net but she’s been talking abt being tight on money now so I just hate asking for extra help. I just wail cried for like 10 minutes and asked my friends to help me with dinner prep. I’m learning to ask for help slowly when I’m not okay instead of either isolating or pretending like I’m ok and holding it in. I’m still learning the balance of how much of my feelings to show/express in front of others. Mostly bc in the past my feelings wud just b too extreme and take up too much space.

But today was better. I got my check, was able to pay the rest of my rent, was able to eat something yummy and feel full, got a few art supplies to start a small project I’ve been thinking abt the past few days. I was gonna work on stuff but I’ve been learning how to slow down. Bc pushing myself too hard all at once just ends up in huge breakdowns and burnouts. It’s not worth it at all. So I just chilled and petted my kitty and was present with her. Didn’t feel guilty abt not being “productive”. I really needed some emotional, and mental and physical rest. It’s just been a lot.

And I’m mostly writing all this down bc I need to remember these moments where I can see myself making small improvements in hard habits. Like slowing down esp when I’m feeling overwhelmed and being present in my existence. And asking for help when I’m feeling overwhelmed and not okay instead of isolating or faking I’m fine.

And then just now, something happened that I wanted to jot down. So I made dinner for everyone and it didn’t turn out right. My friend who, long story short, cannot eat food if the texture/taste is icky to them and it emotionally affects them negatively to eat food that is wrong, ate a little bit and couldn’t eat. Also them not eating sets them up for a difficult next day, and bc of other things they didn’t eat much today. So I felt really shit that I made the food inedible for them and just went silent for like 10 min. And of course they noticed and asked and I told them I just felt bad cus they cudnt eat.

And we watched Naruto and just chilled and I felt my spiral dissipate. Just expressing it out loud slowed down my spiral. Cus in the moment I was just getting intrusive thoughts like “you’re a failure, youre a terrible friend, you can’t even do simple things right, you’re so miserable, you should punish yourself by not eating, it’s all your fault that you ruined their whole day for tomorrow, they’re going to suffer bc of u etc etc”. And then I was like I can either isolate (which felt like the “better” more familiar option) and continue to spiral into self hating gunk OR stay present and just say the feeling out loud and see where it goes from there.

Although I wanted to do the first thing (isolate), I said no. Bc I knew I wud just sulk and be upset and it wud just turn into a whole existential deep hatred for myself especially with how the week went. So I sat and processed what to do. My friend asked if I was ok. I said it simply that I felt bad cus they cudnt eat. We continued watching the show and the spiral dissipated as I engaged with my friends again and got out of my head and present with the moment and the show.

And then there was a moment after the show was done and I said sorry for getting moody, and explained the whole thought process above.

And I didn’t say this out loud cus I didn’t want to take up too much time deep diving esp cus it was getting late and my friend was just low from not eating well today, but another thing to note is I know where this extreme splitting of myself is coming from.

This is also very specific to my best friend who I am talking abt. We had a rough past, bc of me and essentially my unchecked/undiagnosed BPD. There was a point where they basically said if I don’t change the relationship can’t continue. And I’m still grappling with the guilt of the pain I put them through. And I know it’ll take time. But this is why when I make a mistake or don’t do something exactly as I planned when it’s something including my friend I spiral into this guilt self hatred shit. But I will say I’ve gotten better over time.

I remember before I literally bawled bc I offered them a cinnamon roll I made and they politely said no thank you. And I just immediately spiraled like: oh god they think the food I made is disgusting so therefore I’m disgusting and horrible and vile and they’re going to leave me and they secretly hate me and etc etc. and thinking abt this now I’m like…god damn. It was really that intense for me!!! And now I wud just not react that way at all. And I later told my friend this whole thing and they were like oh I just literally brushed my teeth and just didn’t want that specific food item in that moment anyway. Lol it was just such a non situation and I blew it up in my head.

And like I definitely still do this and struggle but it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be. And in regards to the situation that happened tonight, instead of catastrophizing and being like oh god now tomorrow will be all bad and my friend is going to starve!! I slowed down and was like well, what are possible solutions? They can’t get food in the morning bc it’s too early, I can’t make them food early in the morning bc they expressed they need something high dopamine to b able to eat after a bad texture food (can’t b the usual breakfasts I make), they can’t eat something near their job bc there’s not much nearby and their break is short, BUT I can try to order them food near their job during their break. So we figured that out together and hopefully It will work out. And even if it doesn’t it’s not the end of the world. It will just suck, but it’s a situation that can be recovered. And ppl make mistakes, and the mistake i made is just something that can happen sometimes. And there are solutions to these problems.

I need to practice more self compassion bc self hate doesn’t even benefit the situation nor the relationship. If anything it makes everything worse.

So yeah. I wanted to write this all out so I can look back and really see the progress I’ve been making and im proud of myself for that. Bc esp when spirals and bad days and weeks and sometimes months happen, I can remind myself that I am getting better slowly instead of just thinking everything is the same. Bc it can b hard to think I’m getting better when I still go thru intense emotional waves.

I just need to continue to push forward and slow down at the same time :)

[ladydevinejournal]

Introspection and Big Changes! 05/04/2023

Today was my last day on night shift. I've been on FHD for 18 months, and I was very fond of the majority of my coworkers. However, the disturbances in my sleep routine have been causing my entire body and brain to fall apart. I am both sad to miss my friends and move on, and incredibly excited to try this new schedule as a step to getting my life back on track.

I have officially been accepted as a college student! I am going for psychology with a specialty in mental health. As of now, when I graduate in a few years, my plan is to then join a graduate program. I am going to keep going until I get a doctorate, and specialize in marriage and family therapy. I think this is a lucrative career that also makes me feel brave and helpful. I thoroughly look forward developing a meaningful career.

I recently applied to two new roles at my job. I scored an interview to be a learning ambassador, and it went very well. The other position I applied for was BHD Amnesty Quarterback. I do not feel as though my application will be truly considered, because I lack tenure, but I think that if I had an interview that I would really impress the hiring manager. I really enjoy amnesty, and I am extremely knowledgeable and talented at it.

When I wake up, I will be bringing my rabbit, Big Chungus, to Amanda's parents' to be buried. He died relatively young for a rabbit, and I often feel guilty that he passed away. I especially feel guilty that I was not home when he passed, and that I did not notice he was ill until he was very close to death. Amanda said that I gave him a very good life, and my grandmother agrees with Amanda that rabbits are notorious for hiding their illness and dying suddenly. I believe also that I was irresponsible with him, because he likely died of an intestinal blockage. If that is true, then I feel ashamed because he would have ate something that I carelessly left lying around. I did love him, and I wanted him very much. I hope that his soul is at peace and that he knows that I did love him. I feel even more ashamed that he passed during such a hard time in my life, and I cannot afford to give him a proper cremation. His burial is taking place over a month after his passing due to my inability to drive and financial dismay.

I am struggling again to keep in contact with my loved ones. It is not that I am not thinking of them; I am just too exhausted from work and trying to straighten my life out and can't muster up the brain cells to have a conversation with them. I am good about talking to Amanda and Max, but I would like to talk to my grandmother and my sister more often. Both of them are bad at replying, too, but I don't reach out on a regular basis. I am currently not talking to my adoptive uncle after he recently gave my step-father information about me and tried to help him contact me. I was so triggered by this that I restricted him immediately and have not even checked to see what he said after I declined. I had asked my uncle for financial help, which made me feel very guilty for ghosting on him, but I think it was inappropriate to ask me those things and give him information about me knowing full well that I intentionally don't contact him. I have never told my adoptive family how my step-dad abused my mother, and when I told my adoptive grandmother how he treated me, she promised to help me. Then, she never did and even at one point recommended I run away to live with my sister after graduation. Because of this, I never felt comfortable disclosing anymore details to her, or to my uncle. I often feel that they are choosing him over me just because I'm not biologically related to them. I feel very lonely because of this, and starved of the protection that children are supposed to get from the adults they trust. As a result, I do not contact them very often anymore.

I realized while thinking in the shower that I have a very all-or-nothing personality. That applies to chores, self-care, using cannabis, making purchases, and creating art. I am trying to work on that part of myself. When I was in group therapy, the therapist had suggested I learn how to compromise with myself on low-energy/low-mood days. I had never thought like this before, and the change in perspective has been refreshing. When growing up, especially after losing my mother, I had always been expected to be perfect. B's and C's aren't good enough, I needed straight A's or I wasn't worth anything. If do something for myself, I need to do it for everyone else, too. If I do one chore, of course, I would need to clean the whole house. And I'd better do it all with vigor, lest I be accused of dilly-dallying and receive a verbal lashing, snatching of whatever I'm doing from my hands, or whatever item my step-dad held as he expressed his malcontent chucked at me. I don't really know how to just do a little and work towards a goal in the long-term, but I am trying very hard to learn and making progress on a regular basis.

I think that is all that I have to share today. I am looking forward to all these changes, even though I am a little apprehensive still. Until next time, take care of yourself.

[imaginationisveryrapid]

I hate feeling guilty for things that I don’t actually think I should feel guilty for. Putting this under a read more, because no needs my nonsense on their dash.

So, I’ve been at the public library for over a year now. There are aspects of the job that I really enjoy and other aspects that I’d be happy if I never had to deal with ever again. One of the things that I’ve enjoyed most is how nice my co-workers are. Like they’ve been so kind and made me feel so welcome. Some of us even go to dinner about once a month. It’s all been very nice.

But...it isn’t really what I want to do. When I started my masters degree, I really thought public librarianship was where I was going to end up. But with my classes, I found I really enjoyed archives and archival work. I ended up applying for an internship with a pretty big museum. To be honest, I have not received any kind of notifications from them, so I’m making the assumption that I did not get it. And that is fine. But on Monday I came across another possibility. It’s a temporary position that is looking for an assistant for an archives project. It’s paid and seems like it would work similarly to the internship that I applied for. And it’s exactly the kind of stuff I want to be doing. So I applied and as of today, I have a tentative interview set up for next week. I am just waiting on a time confirmation. I am excited and nervous.

The reason I feel guilty, is because if by some miracle I do get this temporary position, I’ll likely be leaving the library right at the start of summer, which is like Christmas in retail. Insanity. And we’re already short-handed, so not ideal. I really like my co-workers and I’d feel really bad about leaving them in a lurch. But I also can’t sacrifice myself and my happiness for them. This position has the potential to get me some practical experience in the field I want to go in. And as a paid position, I wouldn’t have to worry about money while I’m doing it. If I get it, I would have to relocate temporarily, but it’s to a part of the US that I’ve never been to before. And that really excites me.

Another reason I’m feeling guilty is that my aunt is desperately in need of a knee replacement. She’s needed one for years and is finally going to see a surgeon in June. The problem is before she even set up her appointment, I told her I would do everything I can to help her out while she’s down from her surgery. My cousin, her daughter, will also be helping, but she has two boys and a husband to also worry about. If I leave for the summer and she has her surgery, I won’t be of any help. And I feel bad about that because she’s always been there for me. And I know that she would be supportive if I did get this position. But the guilt would still be there.

I think I just need to remember that I am under no obligation to stay here. Whether it’s for the job I am currently working or my family. I’ve got to do what’s best for me. And really, all of this is contingent on next week going well. Who freaking knows what’s going to happen.

[sugarspelled]

job search diaries #2

almost immediately after my first entry, i was contacted by a recruiter to apply for a job. out of pre-graduation panic, i jumped at the chance to apply. things went well, but the hiring process was pretty grueling, with multiple assessments and interviews involved totaling about six hours of work. at the conclusion of this process, i received an offer, and i was relieved.

however, i was let down by the fact that the offered salary was not as high as i expected. negotiations were unsuccessful, and i’ve resigned myself to the fact that i don’t have any leverage to push that number higher.

as a result, i continued to apply for jobs. out of the blue, one of the companies reached out to schedule an interview. i didn’t actually expect anyone to respond, so i was really excited. i checked glassdoor, and they would pay me slightly more than my first offer should i receive one from them.

i didn’t expect to feel so guilty for scheduling an interview with them. i genuinely feel like i’m cheating on the first company for even indulging the idea of working somewhere else, especially after being so excited during my interviews prior to receiving my offer.

i have a call with the first company later today, and an interview with the other company later this week. i’m struggling with feeling disloyal, but hoping that, at the very least, i get some leverage with which to obtain a higher salary offer.

applications update:

total sent: 66

offers: 1

interviews: 1

responses: 1

pending: 51

rejected: 12

[rezilient-m3]

Aug 2

Been a long time. I didn't want to update till I had something to update about, but I'm sitting here on night shift, tired asf. Lol.

S is the guy I was complaining about in the previous post. It's still weird. I get so upset, or have been, but when he comes back, I'm back "in like" with him. Lol. Geez. We go weeks sometimes without seeing each other, but speak more often. His bday was on the 23rd of July. Days before that I msged him and he didn't open it, I thought whatever, he must be busy. Then seen him at the casino that night. I seen him see me, then act like he didn't and walked thee other way. I was upset about that (today I realized I might have over reacted lol). But I didn't talk to him there. I did my own thing. Weird thing about that was, he never opened that msg (it was on snap). I just feel he must have felt stupid a out it and didn't know how to handle it. 3 days go by and it's Friday, day before his bday. I replied with "Do I know you?" But he laughed it off, and so did I. I said hbday. I didn't see him his bday cuz he went golfing with his sisters, then worked at 5 to 1am. Next day is when I start my shifts (Sun-Thurs, I'll come back to this). So, before I was done at 2pm, I tell him I'm going to bring him a coffee. I went buy a cupcake and a candle to surprise him cuz he never got a cake. It was cute. He was tickled. I almost chickened out cuz it felt lame lol. Anyways, the Frday night, when his bday was at midnight, he mentioned he wanted 35 kisses. So, before I left him, he asked where his kisses were. I kissed him on both cheeks then the lips. That was our first kiss.

We hung out once, again since, but still act like we don't know what we're doing lol. It's so dumb. We're on opposite schedules though, so it makes it difficult. Plus, I know we both want to ask to hang out, but we never do. Lol. So, I'm just being patient. Not really giving other men the time of day. Being loyal when I'm not even in a relationship yet lol. But he's cute. And really genuine, I'm pretty sure.

Anyways, about work. I went to a career fair May 5th, right after graduating. (Grad day was great!) Gave my resume that day. Got an interview May 17th. Offered the job June 7th, and officially started July 5th. That whole ass process took me two months. That was stressful. Anyways, I work Sun to Thurs, on rotations (6am-2pm, 2-10, and 10-6am). This week are nights. It's not bad. I'm in an emergency home that houses 15 kids in care. 3 groups of siblings and two singles, all ages from 1-11. Think it's meant for 0-12. I just do whatever I'm told. Mostly it's just babysitting and cleaning.

I feel like this isn't my calling tho. I've mentioned that I am meant for something big. Something to make a difference in this lifetime. So, I applied for social work to a university in the city. I got accepted, and I registered for my classes, but haven't heard about the funding yet. (My dad is an important man in our reserve and said that he'd talk to the chief and tell them to fund me. Talk about nepotism. Sorry, kinda.)

The big thing I thought about was, maybe it's working with families. In the beginning of my educational career, I thought of working with kids to try redirect them from a life of adversity might get them. Give them advice and be that positive influence. That's what I wanted, but I don't feel like I can do that here. So, I went back to the thought of helping mothers and fathers, or any care givers, to try bring back that "it takes a village" mentality.

I don't know if people have been keeping up with my story, but I have mentioned my personal story about this. In my counseling sessions I talked to my therapist about how it was for me being a young 19 year old mom, out on her own (with my pos bf at the time). I talked about how guilty I felt about not doing the things I should have been doing for my 1st son, who was just a baby. Then, for not raising my girls when they were with their dad. Then she told me about how long ago, in our culture, everyone had a village. Every child was taken care of by a community. We all know that by history. But it's so beautiful to read about. And she said that even though it was my choices that have led to those things happening, that I shouldn't take all of the blame for it. Meaning, I did not have a village. I didn't have anyone to guide me, or lean on, or to just be there when I was struggling. So, I shouldn't blame myself for all of it. And it only mattered to what I was accomplishing now. I have good relationships with my kids, I am sober and I am doing my best to give them a good life. Proud.

Now, as for this village concept, people everywhere should have this. Too many people are left to their own device's, trying to navigate through their addictions, while not learning the proper ways to raise these children. Which might land these kids in homes like these. Everyone needs to feel loved, unjudged, belonged, and accepted. Why can't we have that kind of community everywhere? I want to try. Seems like hard work, but if I at least reach as much people as I can and change this for them, then I'd be happy. So, I'm going to get that degree.!

Idk what else... Alex went to BC with our son. They were gone for over 2 weeks. They got home 2 days ago. We're still ok now. I think. I didn't do anything with my lawyer regarding custody or taking half his possessions lol. Still contemplating.

As for James and the girls' court. That's on Sept 9th. I need 5k to give to the same lawyer to help me to change the order, but I don't have that kind of money, and running out of time to get it. Makes me nervous and stresses me out. Cuz if he walks away from those charges, he can bring a cop to our house and take the girls. Cuz last court order is still the same from the last time we've been in court, and says I only have them for every second weekend, and he is primary caregiver with the decision making. Rank. I hate that. And need to figure this out soon.

There's my current events in a nut shell. I wish it were more interesting for y'all lol. But I'm done. And tired.

[youmustthinkyouknowme]

getting at that phase

HELLOOOOO THEREEE!!! been a while since the last time i post yah. so many things happened, the good and the bad. It will always be like that, you know you get a full circle of happiness the next time you know you are on a tornado loop. 

Good things happened: i passed the national exam board!!!!!! ((it’s a good thing but not the same kind as being accepted at uni)) i felt less proud on this one....idk maybe its just i feel obligated to pass the test and it’s not something to be proud of when most of everyone did pass too, or it is mainly because im getting older and i turn bitter or maybe the feeling being a failed friend bcs i cant help one of my bestie to pass too. it sure was a mixed feelings all at once. 

Bad things: as you all probably SHOULD know, the first one was me thinking that it was possible to join the internship at August, so i missed my mom’s offer to go to Korea (to visit my aunt), and i ended up being mad at myself. the second one is, i am jobless af, many residents that worked with me before ukmppd, rarely contact me again. i feel desperate, no money, feeling guilty if asking for one. why didnt i do something right? go look for a job!!!! (i know you probably will think that im such a loser or a lazy ass girl) but guess what i am not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. (ngasih validasi bgt gasi ini ke diri sendiri), at least that’s what i believe. I did my cv, i did apply as a research assisstant, to many many lowongan out there!!! at least today i applied to 9 vacancies, i dont blame God for not helping me either, he sure did help me through many occasions, but this one im just helpless, i mean, look at my lacking experience as a researcher???? and also i didnt publish my skripsi to any journal. so who the hell is gonna accept me...dari 9 itu cuma interview 1, belum tau lagi hasilnya:( if you pity me pls consider giving me your prayers. i kinda need that. Bad thing no.3 is i dont have friends to go jalan-jalan with tho, they are all now working and i feel ashamed too for going to some places with my parent’s money, i think it’s enough for them to pay for my bills. 

i do need support these days, but it doesnt seem like i can tell what i’ve been feeling to my friends bcs 100% chances are they will feel the same way too, why do i have to double the burden, and also i dont want to tell my family either bcs i might cry even before i start to tell them, so yeah i better not to. part of me wishing my family will see this post but then again im helpless. so here’s to becoming a jobless adult with nothing to be proud of, and seems like nobody cares either ^^

p.s in 10 yrs i hope i can laugh this post out loud.

[loungesinger-shimmer]

i had a big long rant about my job all ready to go but i guess i don't need to publish it bc i have an interview for another one on friday 😳

[buck-nialled]

Cheesehead - T. Holland Imagine

NOTE: inspired by this vid of tom eating food bc it is pure art. 

TAGLIST: @niallberry​ @swiftmendeshoran @theshyspy @clarabsevero @golden-hoax @dudethisiswhyyoudonthavefriends @organicpurplepants @gurkiloni @wowitsel @sunwardss

Your and Tom’s first date took place at a nice restaurant just on the other side of town. It was better than nice in Tom’s opinion--a more secluded, intimate setting. He remembers one of the first times the two of you went away from the set to a car wash that you recommended. Earlier that week he vocalized how desperately he needed to mark the errand off his to-do list. He invited you to join him, utilizing the excuse that he was not familiar with the area of town you were up-talking--a complete lie. The car wash happened to be only fifteen minutes from his house, but he never regretted taking you along with him for a second.

Actually, that same afternoon you two went, gave Tom reason as to why you spoke so highly of this carwash. Though he should have been focused on making sure the machinery was not scraping up against the windows or scratching the paint job, his eyes stared right at your profile for a majority of the ride. He would come to realize that car washes were one of the few things that mesmerize you. The man is still unsure if it is the swirling, stranded mops and their timed swishes and plops against the vehicle, or the fancy rainbow soap applied to the windshield for your gaze to take in. Either way, those fateful fifteen minutes gave Tom all the confidence he needed to blurt out over the all-too-loud air dryers.

“Go out with me!” Unfortunately for him, the air dryers ceased their harsh winds right as he began speaking. But the tranced look swirling in your pupils never shouted through his yelling directly at you. It caught you off guard sure, but once his words registered, you responded.

“Right now?” Of course, some pre-planning was involved. It took a few weeks of tip-toeing delicately around the other’s schedule to not trample them. Finally, this evening approached where the two of you promised to be entirely free for one another. And you both kept your word. Since that day at the carwash, Tom had yet to find one trait of yours he disliked. It was almost off-putting when he thought about it too much. Your love of dogs, tea-brewing expertise, and fondness of the ocean were just a few things you and Tom shared in common. Five minutes into your dinner, it had grown even longer. Tom cleared his throat and rolled back his shoulders, preparing to make your relationship something official. That is until the waiter approached your table with a tray of entrees in hand.

“Your mac n’ cheese with a side…” the waiter’s voice faded out of Tom’s earshot as he eyed the porcelain bowl, filled above the brim with yellow, gooey shells. His chicken breast was placed before him moments afterward, leaving him to hardly mutter out a “thank you”, as his eyes were still locked on your choice of dinner.

“So, you like cheese?” Tom attempts to make light conversation through slow, contemplative bites of his chicken.

“It’s more of an obsession if I’m being honest…” Your admission was accompanied by red cheeks and a shy tuck of your hair behind your ear. “It’s just...one of the best foods to be created, in my opinion. I mean, you can make anything better by adding cheese to it. Chicken parmesan, for example.” Your motioning to his plate has Tom reaching for it protectively, and dragging the porcelain closer to where he is seated.

“Yeah…” his nervous chuckle was eclipsed by the waiter from a few minutes earlier returning to your table for a dessert menu to look at later in your meal. You took a peak after taking it in your hand and gasped.

“They have cheesecake!” You whisper excitedly.

“Awesome!” Tom manages a smile as he mimics your tone.

“Cheesecake is awesome,” Harrison confirms the day after as he and Tom sit on their living room couch, game controllers in hand. “I’m not seeing an issue.”

“She likes cheese.”

“And that’s a problem?”

“Yes, because I hate it!” Tom’s fingers press harder into the controller buttons as his eyes stay focused on the split television screen.

“Okay? Plenty of couples disagree on food choices and they stay together.”

“You don’t understand, Haz. She is like, obsessed with it.” Tom stresses. “And if I tell her I hate it, then what will that make me?”

“Her boyfriend who hates cheese?” His friend ganders.

“Exactly.”

“Dude you’re talking about it like it’s the end of the world.” Harrison pauses his game, cueing Tom to do the same before the two turned to face each other. “I mean other than cheese, you two have everything else in common. You genuinely like this girl, right?”

“Absolutely,” Tom answers without letting a single lull go by in the conversation.

“So are you gonna let this one, minor difference define your entire future with her?”

“I guess not.”

“Good, then if she likes you the same way you like her, she’ll understand. You just gotta come right out and say it, when the timing is right of course.”

“Right, okay. I can do that.”

“Of course you can.” Harrison grins, turning back to face the television and resuming the game. “Hey, when I kill this player, that’ll be your sign that everything’s gonna work out.” Tom and Harrison chuckle in unison as the man furiously mashes the buttons on the gaming controller. A few seconds later, however, both of their jovial expressions turn sour at the wimpy droning noise escaping the speakers. The words “GAME OVER” smeared across the screen become complemented by the phrase below:

Haz51 was killed by Cheesehead87

“Then again,” Harrison is turning back to Tom, who is already burying his face into his hands out of denial, “what do I know?”

“Hey!” You greet Tom with a hug at your front door before allowing him to step inside your apartment.

“Hi, love. You look excited.” He notes, scanning your perky expression with a smile of his own. Your happiness was the most contagious feeling Tom has ever witnessed to date.

“Because I have a surprise for you.” Taking his hands into yours, the two of you begin a saunter towards your kitchen.

“Oh, do you?” He laughs at the small sway of your hips. Once the two of you were stood in your kitchen, you halted your steps and blocked Tom’s view of the counter.

“I know you said your schedule was kind of cluttered today with everything and you would barely have time to eat, so…” you reached behind your frame to grab something and swiftly brought it up for Tom’s eyes to see. “Ta-da!”

“Grilled cheese.” He says, tone dry.”

“Not just any grilled cheese. My signature four-cheese grilled cheese with a side of tomato soup.” You present with a wide smile. “I figured it’d be nice to have lunch together before you’re swept off to another meeting or interview.”

“Thank you, Y/N. I appreciate that, but…”

“Hmm?” And as the words were ready to fall off of his tongue, his eyes bore into yours and acknowledged the small glint they captured. You were staring at him the same way you did the mops and rainbow soap during the carwash. To reap that from you would be a travesty he could not bear.

“I already ate.” He fibbed, hoping his almost guilty expression would cover the emptiness in his stomach. Unfortunately, a large growl intercepted the pause in the conversation, followed by a nervous chuckle from him.

“Already ate, huh?” You set the plate back down and fold your arms over one another. “Tom, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. Why would you think that?”

“Well for one thing you’re acting strange...and you just lied to me.”

“I didn’t lie! I swear, I’m just not hungry. Just had a big breakfast.” Another low rumble of his stomach objects, making him release a sigh. “Y/N…”

“Maybe you should go.” You murmur, eyes flickering back to your front door. Tom does not object, knowing there was nothing he could say or do to help the situation at hand. Succumbing to your orders, Tom’s head stays hung low during the trudge to your front door and back to his car.

The following week, you decided to reach out to Tom for an explanation. Some might label you weak for how the last interaction you two shared ate you up and had you caving for just a phone call from him, but you were still clueless as to what the cause for his suspicious actions were—more importantly, what drove him to lie right to your face over something as simple as not eating. For a few hours, you even questioned your signature dish and if he found just the sight of it a poor one. Impossible, you concluded, nobody hates grilled cheese!

Text messages were exchanged for a few minutes until finally, the two of you found a small gap in your schedules to squeeze in a conversation. The meeting would need to be tight, as it was following one of Tom’s press interviews and coming right before a meeting where your presence was necessary. Because you were so crunched for time (and feeling slight wanton that day) you sped up at a few yellow--almost red--lights on your way and arrived twelve minutes earlier than you had estimated.

“Sorry ma’am, you need a badge to be let inside.” A burly man, cloaked in black halted your quick steps with a hand. Dark sunglasses which made his eyes imperceivable bobbed up and down as he scanned your figure.

“I’m sorry, I’m just here to see Tom Holland. I’m his costar--”

“Wait,” the man’s hand reached up to remove his glasses, and his eyes grew swollen with recognition at the sight of you. “Y/N Y/L/N?”

“That’s me,” you giggle, a flush rising to your cheeks.

“My apologies, please,” He opens the large, metal door and darts a finger down to one of the sets. “Take the hallway down there, it should be three doors and to your left.”

“Thanks.” Exhaling a breath, you counted your blessings for being somewhat known before jogging to the direction the security had pointed you in. You heard a familiar, light laughter echo through the studio and allowed it to act as a guide. You stepped quietly through the halls and stayed silent as you approached the door. Placing your hand on the silver knob, you slowly turned it and peeked your head through the small sliver. The brunette curls and charming grin enraptured you immediately as you eyed Tom, sat at a table, and served various foods on a silver platter. When the next food item was revealed, you tilted your head at Tom’s hesitance towards the decently sized piece of cheese that sat on the plate. His nose crinkled in disgust. Why was he not devouring it right now? You sure as hell would be.

“I don’t really like cheese all that much.” He admits through an uncomfortable smile. “I’m not really that much of a fan of cheese.” Inhaling a sharp breath through your nose, you retreated into the hallway and closed the door back with a soft click.

“Oh my god,” you spoke quietly to yourself and brushed a hand over the top of your head. How did it not come to your attention sooner that Tom did not like cheese? You reminisce about your first date, imagining every word he spoke to you when asking you about your cheese fanatic ways to be spat in revulsion or something similar. The week prior returned to your brain, and you sought out glimpses of his face to match those of the one he was just making: eyebrows furrowed, nose scrunched and high cheekbones to mask the large dislike he held for the food. Your favorite food.

The clicking of the door caught your attention, and your eyes averted from the figure with knowing.

“Y/N, hey.” You look up to find the source of the accented voice, shuffling his feet as though he didn’t know how to stand.

“Hi.”

“Look about last week--”

“You hate cheese.” You said.

He releases a sigh, glancing down at his shoes shamefully. “Yeah.” He is shocked to look back up and find you amid a boisterous laugh.

“I can’t believe you...you almost ate a grilled cheese I made for you.” You choked out, clutching your stomach. It ropes Tom’s laughter in as well, and soon the fiasco that the two of you were both feeling guilty over swirled into something laughable.

“Why didn’t you just tell me you didn’t like cheese?”

“I don’t know.” He grunted, a red now overcoming his cheeks. “Because you’re obsessed with it. And I feel like if I told you I hated something you’re in love with that you wouldn’t like me anymore.”

“Tom that’s crazy. You couldn’t tell me anything that’d make me like you less.” You shook your head. His head snaps back to look at your eyes. The glint from the car wash, the same one from last week, was still staring back at him. It might have even been brighter than before.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” You grin, before cupping his cheeks and planting a kiss on his lips. He blows a breath out upon the two of you separating.

“That’s a relief.” The two of you chuckle once more until another sound of the door clicking brings your attention back to the entrance of the set. A man pokes his head out.

“Oh, thank goodness, you haven’t left.” He disregards your presence entirely and hands Tom a basket full of various foods. “This is from the LadBible team, as a thank you for coming and having an interview with us.”

“Awesome!” He takes the basket in his hands and studies all of its contents. “Thanks, mate.” The man waves goodbye to Tom and shuts the door back behind him.

“What’s in it?” You come around and rest your head atop Tom’s shoulder to observe the basket with him.

“Toxic waste, Gregg’s gift card...cheese.” The excitement in his voice dwindles to a murmur.

“I know someone who could take that off your hands.” A smirk climbs into your face, and Tom is soon mirroring it as he turns down to look at you.

“Maybe being with a cheesehead won’t be that bad.” You begin laughing to yourself, making Tom question, “what?”

“Cheesehead87...it’s just my name on this video game I play.” You snort through small laughs. It makes Tom, however, reach an epiphany.

“Oh my god,” he whispers, eyes darting to the floor in thought.

You are the curious one now. “What?”

“You killed Harrison.”

[serendipityjxmn]

Mr. President

Chapter 6

TW: None

Words Count: 2.1k

Link to Masterlist

Link to Chapter 7

You shower quickly that morning, springing a little in your steps as you make your way to your closet, picking an attire for that day. Today, you have an interview for one of the many secretarial positions that you apply for yesterday. You choose a beige pencil skirt and a white blouse. Your wounds are still visible but nothing that can’t be covered with makeup. You do it minimally, just so you don’t look sick or too pale.

You stare at the large signboard saying ‘Bangtan Inc’. Taking a deep breath, you enter the building. Within half an hour, you’re escorted to the fifth floor of the company and you’re waiting in line to be interviewed by the Human Resources manager after filling up several documents. There are quite a number of interviewees and you’re slotted as the last one.

An hour later, you’re done with your interview with the manager and then you’re asked to wait again at waiting area. The manager who introduces herself as Irene approaches you after a while.

“Miss Y/N, you’re going to have the second interview with Mr. President. Are you ready?”

Nervousness begins to fill you up. You didn’t know that there would be two sessions for the interview. Nevertheless, you nod and follow after her. She leads you to the seventh floor and the hallways look even more lavish at this floor.

“You can come in now. Mr. President’s ready.” She leads you in and you enter together with her. “Mr. Park, Miss Y/N is here.”

Mr. Park…? It can’t be the Mr. Park that I know.. right?

When the man sitting on his desk at far end of the room looks up, things can’t be more fucked up than this.

It was him. His. His fucking company.

He raises from his seat and freezes when he sees you too. His eyes rake you from top to bottom and this has to make the list of top embarrassing moments in your life. Should you run away now?

“Miss Y/N, please have a seat.” Irene interrupts. It’s too late to run away now, right..?

Your eyes widen as you stare at Jimin. He seems to regain his composure and leisurely takes his seat again, crossing his legs and starts playing with his fingers in what could be such intimidating gesture.

You swallow and slowly takes your seat and fixes your skirt to prevent it from riding up, missing the way his eyes travel down your legs for a split second. You watch as Irene hands him documents that you assume contains your information.

Oh no. You haven’t been entirely truthful with your information…

“So Miss Y/N, you’re single?” He asks casually, no doubt having read the part in your file. You pray that the ground swallows you whole.

You fidget with your hands, swallowing hard. You’ve grown used to playing with your wedding ring on your finger but you purposely take it off today since you’ve so conveniently mention your status is single. He looks down at your hand and you miss the way his expression becomes stern when he sees your empty finger.

“Y-yes.”

For a moment, he just looks at you and you think you’ll melt under his stare. Jimin always stares at you like he’s able to see you through and every time, you’d ask God to grant you a mind reading ability just so you can know what he’s thinking about.

You know everything’s already gone into a mess today. This interview session is basically moot now that the person interviewing is actually your own freaking husband. You’re ready to turn on your heels at any second. You’re literally just waiting for him to utter words like ‘get out’ or ‘get lost’.

Yet he excuses you and you stand waiting outside as he speaks to Irene. She emerges not long after that, a smile plastered on her beautiful face.

“Miss Y/N! I’m pleased to inform that you’ve been hired!”

What on actual earth.

“You must’ve caught Mr. Park’s interest. We usually filter most of the applicants again and this would normally takes about another week before we can give results but Mr. Park seems satisfied with you.”

You did not expect this turn of events at all.

“So, even though the position is secretarial position, the job scope is actually kind of wide. You will mostly be attending to Mr. President’s needs but you will also be helping several bits here and there with the office people there. I’ll introduce you to the office mates in a while.”

So you spend the rest of the day being led by Irene everywhere as she tells you most of the things you need to know and introduces you to other personnels in the office. Your brain can’t really focus on Irene’s words as you assume you’re doomed once you’re home with Jimin.

Should you quit that instant? Don’t come for work tomorrow?

But that would be the most unprofessional thing to do. You groan.

“Oh, Miss Y/N. It’s almost five now. You don’t really have much to do anyway for today so you can just head home today.” Irene tells you.

You automatically looks up at the double door that leads to Jimin’s office. Should you be going home with him..?

You shake your head immediately. It’s best if this is kept a secret from everyone for now. You don’t feel like he’s going to head home yet since Jimin usually comes home at about 7PM so you rush to pack your things and quickly heads home.

You pace back and forth in the kitchen. Your head had been playing a thousand different scenarios with how Jimin would react once he’s home and you can’t help feeling more anxious by the second. You hear the door opens then and your pulse quickens. You don’t dare to meet him at the door so you just remain in the kitchen.

You’re so immersed in your thoughts that you don’t hear him come down a while later.

“What the fuck do you think you’re playing at?” He growls and you jump. You turn to see him looking extremely pissed off.

“Jimin- I’m sorry- I wanted to tell you last night but I- I forgot.” You say as he takes his seat on the dining table and you rush to tend at him. He doesn’t seem impressed at all.

“My company? Are you fucking kidding me?” He hisses and you recoils slightly.

“I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t know it’s your company. The last time I saw you was at Parks Corporations and- why were you-“ You stop mid sentence. All of a sudden it makes sense. You remember Mrs. Lee telling you that Jimin will be inheriting his father’s company and it must’ve been Parks Corporation while Bangtan Inc is the tech company that he builds together with his friends. Suddenly, you feel stupid for not making your research. On top of it all, it’s about your husband. You, above all, should know about it. “I- I just feel guilty staying home and- I just thought I should help with the finances as well.. after all you’re not really my husband.. you’re a stranger.. it’s not right to just leech off you and do nothing-”

“So your ego is wounded?” He scoffs.

You sigh. You don’t want to argue with him. You don’t like arguing with him or making him angry. “You could’ve not accepted me..” You mumble.

“The fuck did you say?” He snaps and you immediately straightens.

“C-can we remain discreet though? I don’t want to tell anyone. We-we can take separate rides to the office.”

“Whatever you say.”

The next morning you wake up earlier than Jimin. It feels weird to actually see him lying on the bed, the same freaking bed with you. Though the bed is large enough for the both of you to come nowhere near each other, it still feels strange. You get ready quickly then heads downstairs to prepare breakfast for your husband.

Waiting on the toast, your fingers play with your necklace. Yesterday, you went to some cheap jewellery store and buys an empty silver necklace. Then, you put your wedding ring as the pendant and happily wears it. You can’t put it on your finger while at work so you resolve to use it as your necklace.

You don’t wait for Jimin to come down for breakfast and you feel sorry for that but you don’t really want to arrive at work at the same time Jimin does.

At work, contrary to your assumption, your work doesn’t really involve you to speak directly with Jimin as you mostly arrange his schedules and keys in things in the computer, deals with people asking for appointments and most of your time is taken by helping colleagues at the office as well with minor tasks like photocopying or sending fax. Any direct information that needs to be conveyed to Jimin is mostly done by Irene. Perhaps, she thinks you are not up to the task yet. You’re secretly relieved though.

Days passes quite quickly and before you know it, about a week has passed since you’ve started working at Bangtan Inc. Now that you think about it, working here doesn’t seem so bad. You don’t see much of Jimin these days, only on certain days when he comes home early and has his dinner at home.

You somehow make a promise to yourself to make the best of this marriage so you take special care of Jimin’s meals and what he wears to work everyday. To be honest, you don’t have to. Mrs. Lee can make anything and everything if you ask her but you refuse to. Making meals is probably the only thing you can do for your very self sustained husband even if he’s just a temporary husband, you did promise yourself to do it so you did.

You wake up early to prepare breakfast, goes to work and rushes home to prepare dinner almost every day. Most of the time though, you’re already asleep by the time he comes home so you’ve grown used to leaving sticky notes on the dining table, telling him to reheat the dishes you cooked if he wants to eat.

You don’t really expect him to eat the dishes you made but much to your surprise, he still eats them everyday without fail though sometimes he may not finish them but the thought still makes you smile.

It somehow exhausts you more nowadays with your packed schedule so you almost always fall asleep as soon as you lay on the bed at night.

You also slowly grasp your job scope at work. You learn a lot of things about Jimin as well. His schedule is always packed with meetings and when he isn’t in them, he’s busy discussing with the staffs to prepare for the next meeting. You somehow feel sorry for him. That’s also one of the reason why you couldn’t miss preparing his meal everyday although you’re tired. You learn that he tends to forget to eat whenever he’s too caught up in work.

That night, Jimin comes home early. You jump when he enters the kitchen while you’re still preparing his meal. He’s freshly showered and he smells so tantalising. He always smells good, you think.

“I’m sorry. I came home late. It’ll be ready soon if you can just wait for another.. 5 minutes?”

He walks to the fridge then takes a glass of orange juice. “If you don’t have time, we can just order take out next time. You don’t have to cook everyday.”

But you want to, your mind says. But you don’t say it out loud.

He takes his seat on the dining table and you feel his heavy gaze from behind you, making the hairs on your skin stand. You wish he’d look at something else instead.

You hover around once you set the table for Jimin which you notice is an occupational hazard of yours just in case the other party still needs you to amend anything so you would usually wait until that said party is satisfied.

Jimin wastes no time snapping at you. “Won’t you sit down and eat?!”

Flustered, you quickly take your seat, shaking your head for making him angry again. You eat in silence then.

“How’s work?” He asks after a while, taking you off guard.

You blink rapidly and stares at him for a few moments before answering, “It’s fine.” You hesitate to continue yet you can’t resist it. “I can’t really say no when the boss is right in front of me, right?”

Upon hearing that, he smiles.

He freaking smiles.

It’s so blinding it literally renders you speechless. He has this adorable eye smile and it makes him look like a total softie, none at all the one that is always intimidating and scowling at you.

And maybe, just maybe, something flutters in your stomach at that time. But you’re too blinded to notice.

Link to Chapter 7

Posted on 210409 9:00PM

[waitingat-thefrontgate]

Hell Was The Journey

Summary: Max and Spencer's almost meet...two times before they do

Word Count: 1769

Authors Note: I love Max. I love Spencer and Max's relationship. I also LOVE Taylor Swift, so when I was listening to invisible string I couldn't help but wonder how that'd be a cute Maxcer fic. So here I am! I made a separate account to post this. I hope you enjoy!

p.s this isn't probably the first fic inspired by that song, but I am pretty sure it is the first Maxer one. Please correct me if I'm wrong!

4x8

Max let out a deep sigh as she checked her watch. She had an hour before she had to head to her student teaching placement, an hour she wouldn’t have if her professor didn’t end class early.

“Come on Max, let’s act like college students and do something on campus” her classmate Leah said.

Before Max could respond, Leah had already pulled Max off to a direction.

“You know we could be lesson planning. Or even better, go somewhere to eat!” Max grumbled as she would have preferred to spend the hour decompressing her teaching credential program’s tough schedule. Although she looked forward to seeing her students and loved being able to share the passion of art with others, Max still couldn’t help but wonder if this was what she was supposed to do with her life. She followed her mom’s advice about pursuing something she loved, but an art history degree unfortunately isn’t getting her job interviews.

Ignoring her, Leah stopped at a bulletin board that listed all the current events that were going on campus. “Max! They are holding an FBI recruitment seminar in a few minutes, we should go!”

“I don’t think the FBI will be impressed with my 5’2 stature and art history degree” Max snorts and shakes her head. “Besides, we are pretty knee deep in another career path.”

“I know that, but who knows who we’ll meet. Maybe some cute guys are interested, or better yet, maybe there’s some hot FBI agents here already. Let’s go!!” Without giving Max the second to respond, Leah at pulled her off to the direction of the building the FBI seminar was held.

They arrived a few minutes before it started. The presenter was an older man, who seemed to be already chatting with another attendee, who seemed to be dressed to impress wearing a suit and tie. It wasn’t until the younger man turned around that his holstered weapon was visible.

“What have I been doing wrong if he’s in the FBI. He looks about our age” Leah whispered.

Before Max could respond, her phone starting buzzing. Leah sent Max death glares as she picked up the phone, her brother-in-law Jared doesn’t call her unless it’s important.

“Hello?”

“Michelle’s in labor! We’re on our way to the hospital now. Meet us when you can!” Jared hung up right after his last words, probably calling the rest of the family.

After a few seconds of shock and the reality that her sister was going to be a mother, and Max would be an aunt registered, Max gathered her things right as the presenters started introducing themselves.

“Hello, good afternoon my name is David Rossi and I hav-“Leah looked at Max waiting for an answer as to why she was just leaving so quick.

“Sorry I’ll call you later” Max whispered, “let me know how it goes!” She slides out the door and starts running towards her car, knowing she will be meeting her niece or nephew very soon

10x9

Max couldn’t believe the news about her friend Jessica. Although her and Jessica haven’t been close ever since she went behind Max’s back and dated Mike Davis a week after they broke up, she was still horrified and saddened by the details of her death. Max knew that Jessica wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but she was a business owner, and her responses were always out of fear and stress about making ends meet.

She had already been in contact with other mutual friends she shared with Jessica, and she began scrolling through old pictures she had.

Max thought for a very long time that Mike Davis was going to be the man she’d marry. After a tough time getting a steady teaching job and losing her mother, Max so desperately wanted something she could say was hers. This led to her moving quickly with Mike and missing (and ignoring) the clear red flags. Even after the cheating and lying, Max was willing to forgive Mike. No matter how many times they broke up, Max always hoped for the day Mike would just pick her, and only her.

Feeling guilty about practically ending her friendship over a guy like that, Max sighed as she grabbed her keys to head to work. That’s when she jumped over her phone ringing.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Maxine Brenner?” a deep voice asked.

“Yes, yes this is her. May I ask who I’m speaking with?”

“My name is Aaron Hotchner, I work with the FBI and I’m calling to ask you questions about your friend, Jessica Harris. She had you listed as an emergency contact.”

Max’s heart stopped. She didn’t know. “Yes, yes of course. We haven’t been in contact as much, but I want to help however I can.”

“Would you be able to stop by our office this morning?”

Max bit her lip. She had already used all personal and sick days, and her current principal was everything but understanding. “I’m on my way to work right now, and unfortunately won’t have time until this afternoon.”

“I understand. Give me a second and I’ll connect you with another agent who can talk to you on the phone, and they’ll see if you should come down again this afternoon.” At the bureau, Aaron looks out his office window. He sees Spencer looking at the board of the case with the pictures of the victims and their location.

Aaron steps out of his office, enough for Spencer to hear him, “Hey Reid, I have a contact that knows Jessica on the phone right now, can you ask her some questions?”

Spencer doesn’t turn around. “I can’t right at this moment, I’m still putting together information about our other victim”

Aaron scans the room and noticed Anderson without a task. “Anderson! I’m gonna patch you with someone who knew one of our victims. If anything seems worthy have her come down this afternoon.”

Max twiddled her thumb until finally she hears another voice, “Hello, my name is Agent Anderson and I’ll be asking you a few questions about Jessica.”

During her entire commute, Max answered questions about Jessica truthfully. She winced when she realized she didn’t have many good things to say about her. Agent Anderson thanked her, and as of right now he doesn’t see a need for her to come down. Max thanked him and grabbed her things and walked towards her school. She knew her students would be able to make her smile.

15x4

It was Saturday morning and Max smiled as her nephew talked about school over breakfast. Her nephew was almost as tall as she was, but she still remembers how small he was when she first held him all those years.

She finally felt like she was in a good place. After many years of struggling silently Max got the strength to go to therapy and take the time and energy to truly heal. It was hard, she always found pride in her independence and her high walls. The decision to go wasn’t easy, but when she realized how much it was affecting her relationship with Sammy, she knew she had to go. For the first time, she talked about her childhood and the pressure of growing behind her sister Michelle’s shadow, losing her mother and her toxic, fast paced and short lived relationships.

For almost two years, she had been applying the advice her therapist had gave her. She took care of herself, began putting effort in her relationships with her family, especially Michelle, and instead of ignoring the topic of her mother, she talked and remembered her fondly. She even got in touch with a headhunter, considering maybe it was time to leave teaching and find something that was meant for her. The other day she even thought about asking her brother-in-law if any of his coworkers were single, but she didn’t because she still wasn’t sure she was ready for that.

“Max, can we get cinnamon rolls at the coffee shop we always go with my mom?” Sammy looked up with big puppy dogs eyes.

“Sammy, we just finished eating. You sure you have room?” Max raised her eyebrow as she paid the bill.

Sammy thought for a minute, “I actually don’t know. But the park is right there so we can always go there for a bit.”

“Mhhh,” Max thought for a minute herself. She looked out and saw that it was a beautiful day in D.C and she would appreciate more time with her nephew, “Alright, let’s swing by the park!”

When they got there, the parking was full. She did a few laps, and she was ready to give up, “Sammy, I don’t think it’s possible we’re gonna have to try again another time.” Max turned her blinker to turn on the road again to drop Sammy off at his house.

“Awe come on Max! It’ll be quick I promise!” Sammy gave his best puppy eyes and Max knew who would get their way.

She turned her car around and parked on a no parking area and turned to Sammy. “We have to be SO quick.”

Sometime past season 15

Max looked out the window of her dad’s house as she plans the summer programs for the Smithsonian. Spencer was teaching Sammy a new magic trick as the rest of her family preps dinner outside. It had been almost two years since that Saturday at the park. Something that wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t make that spur of a moment decision.

Spencer and Max had already realized the two times their paths would have crossed. It was more decisions that delayed their meeting, but they both agreed that they were supposed to meet on that Saturday. They had to go through things, change, hurt and grow to be the person they were today. The person that was right for the other.

Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven.

Max put her things away. There was something that connected her with Spencer, and today, she thanked that thing a little more. She reached her bag that had a positive pregnancy test. Holding it close to her heart, she thought back of all the things that had happened, and she would do it again to be with Spencer and grow their family.

Spencer saw Max walking down to join them, he grins and thinks to himself he will never get over seeing her. He still feels like that Saturday night when he found her again after waiting in the hospital.

“Took you long enough” Spencer says as he laugh