#i have not had a lot of sleep and i am having emotions about the bees

[daydreamtoropova]

Claustrophobia

I might be claustrophobic.

Maybe not in the general sense though...

I feel claustrophobic because of the skin, muscles, organs, and everything that's covering me. I think that's why I always have that feeling to throw up, because I want to throw my physical self up away because I always feel claustrophobic.

I keep talking about wanting to throw up. I now have the answer to why.

I think that's a reason I am part of the queer community by being AroAce (because I physically can't stand the physicality of people, and myself), but being Fictoromantic/sexual (because I tend to like the mind and not the physicality). And why I am Xenogender/Genderless because I don't identify with human norms.

I realized I'm scared, no, absolutely TERRIFIED of humans, human norms, human constructs, EVERYTHING.

Also, I realized I had a God Complex. And technically? I'm not wrong. From my perspective, NOTHING exists. I have no proof! I have no proof other people have the same mental capabilities as me. I have no proof ANYTHING exists! It's all fake!

If I were to kill myself, none of you, NONE OF YOU WOULD EXIST.

I realized this is why I'm suicidal. I don't want to mentally destroy myself, no! I want to live forever in that sense! I want to create art and stories and keep on living. I want my myself to be immortalized.

But what fears me, what destroys my whole image, the thing I want to get rid of, is my physical self. I can't stand being trapped like this, feeling so many things that I don't want to. Emotions are chemicals in the brain produced by the physical self, and I try my best not to feel them.

I just feel... wrong.

I dealt with a lot of derealization, depersonalization, and maladaptive daydreaming problems. And I may just have found the reason why. Because I CAN'T STAND my physical self, so I end up leaving, feeling detached and better off in the mental world.

I don't think it's "normal" to be claustrophobic about engaging in basic human functions such as eating, drinking, sleeping, speaking, and everything else.

A lot of things have been explained as soon as I realized my claustrophobia of the real realm.

I just don't belong here, not like this at least.

And I don't know how my Autism plays into this but I KNOW something about all of this is related in SOME SORT of way.

I remember from a young age I felt this.

Why must I have existential crises, every second?

I want to throw up.

I want to bash my skull against a wall.

Everything feels so... wrong.

Something's not right.

I feel insane.

[lukecvntstellan]

do you reckon u could do a leo x reader fluff plsss 🙏

a/n: this is the first time i've written anything ____ x reader in a LOOONNNGGGGG time... forgive me if i'm rusty. don't be tooo mean i'll probably sob idk

improper grammar probably (not proofread) and written in all lowercase because i dont feel like capitalizing

---

hurt/comfort with leo valdez x reader i guesssss

---

leo had been down on himself recently. him and his significant other had been together almost a year now. as of late he had been locking himself in bunker nine, away from his friends and s/o.

leo had been drowning himself in work, alone in bunker 9, as an excuse for his loneliness. over his music he hears the door swing open, he looks up expecting to see his s/o, but is instead greeted by one of his best friends, piper mclean.

"hey, leo. we noticed you've been spending a lot of time in here... is everything okay?"

the question he knew was coming, but had been dreading.

leo unplugged his radio before saying, "yeah, piper, i've been great. just working on a big project!" trying to feign excitement over his project, which in reality was a pile of scrap metal on his desk that he wasn't quite sure what to do with.

"i'm sorry, but you're the most social out of our friend group? locking yourself in here for days is unusual. y/n has been worried about you. you haven't even spoken to them?"

"okay piper. i'm sorry. okay? i just don't know what to say. you're the only person i've opened up to before. i'm scared y/n would leave me if they knew what was happening. i can't tell them. being with me is already hard enough, i don't need to add on additional burden with the nightmares i've been having..."

despite being "closer" with jason, leo had only ever talked about his feelings with piper before. jason already had enough of his own problems, and never really noticed when leo was going through something.

ever since leo was claimed by his father he had been told by multiple people that he was fated to always be the outsider, never have a place, always the seventh wheel. those words echo through his mind constantly, never ending. because of this, having an s/o was hard. thoughts of "do i deserve this?" "are they going to leave me?" and "am i good enough for them?" were always cycling through his mind.

piper's voice cut through leo's thoughts, "i'm not the one you should be apologizing to. i think you need to talk to them. they're worried about you. do you want to tell me what's been happening first though?"

"do you remember a few months ago i told you about the dreams i had, with hera in them?"

"oh gods.. they're back?"

"yeah... i haven't been sleeping to avoid them. but now i'm so tired and i want to sleep. but i'm scared."

piper moved to give leo a quick hug. "i'm sorry that the dreams are back. i'm gonna get y/n to come talk to you. okay?"

"thanks beauty queen." (**LEOS NORMAL NICKNAME FOR HER IN THE BOOKS**)

as piper was leaving leo walked over to the bed he had made for his late nights in bunker nine, preparing for a conversation he did not want to have.

emotions weren't leo's strong suit. he always tried to be funny and cool to distract from any emotional issues that were happening. no amount of jokes could hide the dark circles under his eyes and his unbrushed hair. he looked rough.

the door opened, and y/n walked in and sat down next to leo. running their hand through his unkempt curls they asked, "are you okay, what's going on? i'm worried about you."

leo laid down, his head in y/n's lap, and their hands gently playing with his hair.

"my dreams have been really bad recently. i haven't been sleeping to avoid them. i'm so tired. i haven't been able to finish any project i've started. i can't do anything right-" leo pointed to the haphazard pile of junk on his desk.

tears started to form, leo tried to blink them away, to no success.

"i guess i've always been insecure? i've been told by hera and nemesis that i'm meant to be this outsider with no role and will always be alone and now i just feel like i don't deserve you. and all my dreams lately have just been those same words on repeat. hera standing there telling me that i'm always going to be the seventh wheel. i'm never going to find my place. i can't take it anymore."

y/n pressed a light kiss to his forehead while contemplating their words.

"leo. you realize that isn't true, right? you DO deserve me. you're not an outsider either, you have a place in our friend group. everyone there loves you. and I love you-"

"love me? you haven't said that before"

"i've been thinking it for a while"

leo couldn't hide the smile that was taking over his face. "really? i love you too, actually, i love you more." he sat up and tackled y/n down on the bed in a hug. "you can't ever leave me now, you're trapped here!" leo said through a laugh.

"you know, i wouldn't dream of it."

"i mean, you probably will. the demigod dreams go kinda crazy."

"you know what i meant, stupid."

"WHAT! you think i'm stupid?" leo protested.

"no. i didn't mean it like that and you know it."

leo shut up after that. being in the arms of his partner after not sleeping for days was making the sleepiness overwhelming. y/n noticed leo drifting off, running their hands through his hair and whispering soft "i love you's" and other sweet nothings.

this was the first night of no nightmares in a week for him :)

---

this is ASSS bc i wrote it at mostly 4am and i dont proofread. the concept is there, the execution isn't.

i love leo i think he deserves some comfort in his life PLEASE

[bwabbitv3s]

Good Godfather Vlad AU - Part 3

Link to Part 1 , Part 2

@kaitouhime @krzys2000 @moobloomrights @spooky-fm

Brunch

The brunch meeting ended up being a huge scene, but not overly embarrassing. A table is knocked over when Jack and Maddie rush over to Vlad. Luckily it did not have anyone eating at it yet. The children trailing behind them stopped to right the table. Vlad is unfortunately too slow to offer the fudge before Jack sweeps him up into a crushing bear hug.

“We have been terrible friends. How could you ever forgive us!” Jack cries as he lifts Vlad off his feet in a hug.

“We should have questioned why you never responded after all these years.” Maddie says hovering beside them.

“Dad, put him down!” Jasmine shouts. 

“Yeah, I don’t think he can breathe with you crushing him like that.” Danny adds in. 

If he did not have to breath all the time this would be very uncomfortable. Jack pulls him into an impossibly closer hug before gently putting him back on the ground and releasing him. A glare from Maddie at the gawking people has them hastily avert their gaze. His clothes are now rumpled a little from the bear hug. Vlad straightens a little before stepping closer to the pair. 

“It is not all your burden to bear. Despite how close we had been, I never reached out either after the accident.” Vlad says a little apprehensive. 

His hands nervously clutch at the box of fudge as he makes eye contact with Jack and Maddie. This was the hardest thing he had done in a very long time. He was still coming to terms and processing everything that had happened. In just a few short days he had a fundamental part of his past cast into new light. His lack of responsibility in trying to maintain his part of their friendship was a new glaring issue he had ignored for far too long.

 Maddie’s eyes crinkle as she sweeps forwards with arms outstretched. Unlike Jack she waits for the moment for him to step closer.   

“I can’t express how much I regret not tracking you down the first day out of the hospital.” Vlad chokes out as Maddie pulls him into a hug. 

“I told myself so many things about why you might not want to see us anymore.” her voice catches a bit as she speaks.   

“We never were very good about confrontation when it was about emotions. Always ready to jump into a discussion about science and engineering and tear into that” Jack added. 

“It might take some time and it won’t be the same but I would like to be in your lives again.” Vlad says.

“You are always welcome.” Maddie says softly.

“You are practically family!” Jack happily shouts. 

The tension drops a little as Vlad really sees his friends ready to welcome him back into their life. Without the haze of hate from before clouding his judgment. He sees the laughter lines in Maddie’s face and the gray in Jack's hair. They are not college students working towards getting a doctorate. Life has gone on and his friends have changed just like he has. 

“Now I hope this does not spoil the meal, but I have something for you.” Vlad says, offering up the fudge box. 

“Oh, is that what I think it is?” Jack crows in delight. 

He bounds forwards and takes the box from Vlad. Maddie lets out a fond smile and begins to usher the group back to their table. 

“I had some help but I believe this is a very nice fudge.” Vlad says with a wink at Danny.

“Ohh! I have heard of Miss Martha’s Marviolours Fudge.” Jack excitedly says. 

Vlad starts to walk to the table the family had been seated at. There is already an extra setting at the table. His step falters for a moment before he catches a supportive look from Jasmine. She gestures with her hands forming a cube shape. Danny gives her a confused look as he pulls his father along. Stealing a breath he keeps walking to the place set for him. 

“It has been a long time but I hope you still enjoy them.” Vlad says. Pulling the rubix cube out.   

“Vlad I can’t believe you remembered that!” Maddie exclaims in delight. 

She takes the cube and immediately begins to twist and turn it to solve the cube in a matter of moments. Then resets it and begins to form a classic trick pattern. 

“Whoa. How do you do that so fast, I thought they were supposed to be hard to solve?” Danny asks his mother. 

The rest of the brunch manages to pass with little fanfare after that. Maddie shows her son how to solve it and explains the mechanics behind it. Jack scrawls on a napkin the attributes of the fudge and hashes out the new top ten. Laughter and joy is had as ten years worth of catching up happens over the course of the meal. They manage to only break one glass. It might just be the nicest morning Vlad has had in years.

Now with a Part 4.

[crescentfool]

i love ryomina

no but seriously. even when i’m thinking about other things that captivate my interest, i find myself coming back to them and feeling like i fell down three whole flights of staircases every time i do. they are one of my favorite pairs in media and are very special to me.

it’s the way that ryoji and minato’s lives are inevitably intertwined with each other due to the circumstances 10 years ago on the moonlight bridge. without no minato, there is no ryoji. minato as he is today is because of ryoji. they have irreparably affected each other’s lives that you cannot discuss one without bringing up the other one.

ryoji mochizuki, who is death, pharos, thanatos, nyx avatar, the man of many names and identities, is the perfect summation of p3′s messages and themes.

minato arisato, the wildcard and protagonist, who has boundless kindness in his actions despite the unfortunate cards handed to him.

the two of them complement each other and tell a beautiful story from start to finish.

minato’s personas capture this perfectly. he awakens to orpheus, who’s flames burns bright, is snuffed out by thanatos during the encounter against the arcana magician. a visual precursor of the idea that ryoji stole from the life that minato could have had.

it’s the way that over the course of the game as minato interacts with pharos, talking throughout the dark hour, forging a bond that cannot be broken, that allows ryoji to exist. minato humanizes death.

november. the bells toll, calling the appriser. and yet, it’s peaceful... quiet, and full of life. ryoji, who breaks free from death’s chains, refusing his role, is given the chance to live for a month. to make the most of the humanity that minato has given him over those ten years. and what a life he lived. ryoji’s life is a reflection of what minato’s life could have been like in another universe.

it is the way the two of them are reflections of each other. ryoji with his hair down is just like minato. they are both stubbornly committed to choosing to be kind, to love life, yet are chained down by the cards the narrative dealt them with. they finish each other’s sentences, knowing each other intimately in a way no one else does.

how is that, a boy who lived for only one month, profoundly changes the course of the narrative? he is simultaneously relevant and irrelevant. blink, and you miss it, the beautiful life that he led.

ryoji is horrified at the revelations of being the appriser. he who so desperately wished to forget that his existence was meant to bring the end to all life, was unable to escape the inevitability of death. in a non-human way, of course. he becomes remorseful. a shadow of his brief time as a human who was enamored by the small beautiful things that life had to offer.

he is swallowed by grief. grief knowing that his very existence will take away not only minato’s life, but everyone else’s. the very thing that ryoji loved- life, fundamentally went against the role he was born for- to be the harbinger of death. and unable to grapple with this sadness he believes that the best thing for minato to do is to kill him, so that SEES can live in bliss not knowing about their inevitable end.

SEES is left rattled, calling into question what the meaning of life is and what they do when faced against the inevitability of death.

and!!! minato chooses!! for ryoji to live!! even in spite of what ryoji is MEANT to embody, minato still stubbornly chooses to defy death itself! and if that’s not cool i don’t know what is!! minato wants everyone to have the chance to live!!

so he climbs. he ascends tartarus, to meet ryoji, again, who is now the nyx avatar. and i just think there’s something so so beautiful about being able to use messiah, minato’s ultimate persona, against nyx avatar.

messiah, being the fusion of orpheus and thanatos is peak ryomina to me. because ryoji and minato have established an unbreakable bond from having been entwined for 10 years, minato still has a piece of death with him, and by proxy!! ryoji is able to defy and rebel against nyx trying to bring the fall! and i think that’s fucking cool shit if you ask me!

even when all of the arcanas have been gone through, it’s still not enough to stop the fall. and yet. minato knows. in the way that ryoji was sealed in minato 10 years ago by aigis... minato becomes the great seal so that everyone can live. it comes full circle.

march rolls around. he fulfills his promise to SEES on graduation day. minato dies from exhaustion. but goddamn does his sacrifice make me weep- he’s had such, such a tiring journey. he’s been through so many things because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. but at the end of it all, he’s reunited with ryoji in death.

and i think this is why ryomina continues to evoke so much emotions for me, to this day. the relationship that they have embodies so much of persona 3′s messages and themes that it makes me feel like a microwave with nothing running in it.

p3′s message is very hopeful, for me. my favorite takeaway from it is that even if death is inevitable, appreciating the life that we were given and choosing to live as best as we can with kindness (even if we can’t feasibly do everything), is just? really nice? and you see this manifest in both ryoji and minato’s personalities and what they do for the other characters.

ryomina just feels so distinct to me, the flavor that their relationship ties back to my favorite takeaways from this game and im just!!  god!! i love you minato arisato! i love you ryoji mochizuki! im so glad that i could meet them! i’m happy that they changed my life! they made me want to appreciate the connections in life even if they were fleeting! they made me!! want to pay attention to the good moments in life and cherish them!

i love ryomina so much!!! i’m so glad that these two could bring so much joy into my life! and i hope that others can have this joy too! 💛💙

[daydadahlias]

not to sound mentally ill at 1:30 am on a Sunday night but. when I find leftovers that past!me put in the fridge bc she meal prepped for the week, or when I find sticky notes with reminders on them to brush my teeth or shower that I wrote for myself knowing I might be awake until 1 am again and forget, or when I see that a past version of me has already done an assignment last week so I don’t have to do it tonight,, I just want to say thanks to her for taking care of me.

[binders-and-beanies]

Doin bad again folx

[obiwan]

.

[babsaros]

How did you know you were gay?

ah, couple reasons i guess. some that only became obvious with like 15 years of hindsight, and only after pulling myself out of the deep dark pit of compulsory heterosexuality.

like. classic symptoms of lesbianism include shamefully staring at the floor when you pass the women's underwear racks in the department store, even though you're not quite sure why you're uncomfortable. that sort of thing.

i have memories from early elementary school of accidentally glimpsing down a girl's shirt at recess and then bottling up that feeling and refusing to think about it. any time i had a crush on a boy, it was from an extremely idealized and safely non-actionable distance. the one time i did have a boyfriend, it was just my guy best friend from middle school, we dated for barely a school year before i ended it and the most physical intimacy i was ever comfortable with was holding his hand when we walked to class. i went to a different school's prom because a guy i was kind-of friends with asked me, and spent the whole night uncomfortably avoiding eye contact.

basically i started questioning my sexuality towards the end of high school, when i noticed myself getting like. jealous about my guy best friend's girlfriends?? like. i wanted to date them. i wanted to steal them from him lmao. i thought girls were pretty and soft and nice and cute and i was too afraid of being a predatory creep to do anything about it besides have far-fetched daydreams, but there was no heterosexual explanation. like, i hugged a girl i thought was pretty one time and it did things to my brain. that memory got locked in for life.

i identified as ace/pan early on, but again- compulsory heterosexuality. the idea of being with a guy romantically or sexually was never actually appealing. i had just been told that was what i was supposed to want my entire life, and the movies do a great job of selling that fantasy. but really i was just a lonely depressed helpless romantic teenager that wanted to be loved lol.

a large part of why i identified as asexual was because i was so sex-repulsed by the idea of penetration, honestly? (which i have since gotten over, but specifically Only with girls. the idea of having sex with a man still icks me out, and my preference is definitely femme-presenting ppl) a bit of it was probably also because i hadn't unpacked gender yet either. it made it very difficult to actually imagine myself having sex with anyone ever lol. this is gonna sound so cringe to say, but reading gay smut did awaken things in me.

in conclusion, tldr, i just like to think about tits and kissing women sometimes, idk. thanks for coming to my tedtalk.

[pebblezone]

this Tylenol ain’t shit w

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

ok crying made me so so so very tired actually i think its time for bed

[mars-ipan]

ooobgh the lonelyfulness persists

[arielmagicesi]

ugggghhh ok so I’m reading some books to prep for my student teaching in the fall, the ones that my host teacher knows are likely to be in the curriculum, and first of all why is it a thing that high schoolers are made to read Contemporary Lit Fic that can be summed up as “how many gory explicit descriptions of traumatic abuse can we fit into one book”, like every year it’s just One Standard Shakespeare Play, One Twentieth-Century American Classic, throw in some other shit, and Somebody’s Fucked-Up Memoir From A Decade Or So Ago. Are there any contemporary books that are good but NOT traumatizing? If not, I’m happy to stick to classic lit personally

ANYWAY so I’m reading this book to prep for the fall and I ended up skimming the whole latter 3/4 or so of the book to spoil it for myself so the suspense wouldn’t kill me, and now I’m up late despite being super tired because my brain is just cycling through every horrific thing in the book, plus the reviews I read online, some of which are insanely saying shit like “wah wah, get over it, stop whining, we all had rough times in our childhood” and I’m like... Am I the softest, most naive baby on the planet for reacting to this horrific memoir by feeling bad for the author and thinking that maybe we don’t need to be making high schoolers read this? I’m not saying it’s not well-written- it is well-written, and well-structured, but Jesus Christ.

(also why are we allowed to make students read horrifying memoirs of abuse but god forbid they know that slavery happened in this country, but that’s a different issue altogether)

so yeah I now have managed to make my entire evening about Trying And Failing To Get Some Images Out of My Head, which sucks because I had a LOVELY day and was looking forward to some well-earned sleep, and also I’m gonna have to go back and read the entire book so that I’m able to teach it properly and know all the literary devices in it and shit. Cool cool cool

[milo-is-rambling]

Someone tell me how to make me not hate myself and make my family not think I’m a bitch and make me want to see my family or drive back down the coast or stay in strange places or do anything other than kill myself I mean whaaatttt haha what a weird thing to say *stares directly into the camera knowingly*

[variousqueerthings]

I made.... horrible mistakes (fictional ones) (MASH related ones)

[skrunksthatwunk]

playing dmc1 with my earbuds in (but on low volume bc they're being weird) while my roommate and her shitty bf argue. i feel like i'm recreating the very specific experience of some child of divorce out there

[nexus-nebulae]

damn i actually had a pretty good streak there of not having bad insomnia days. that's pretty impressive for me like i haven't really had one since early January