#i have the balls to turn people down on the relationship part now esp since im not single but in the past it happened a few times and

[crispy-sand-gator]

can ppl stop trying to befriend me just to get art from me or to try and get into a relationship etc etc

and stop thinking we’re friends when i only see you as an acquaintance bc at that point i just get super concerned that its gonna go sour asap bc im way more behind in the “friendship” than you are

im extremely suspicious of ppl and need a lot of time to size you up so please stop rushing ahead of me and getting all buddy-buddy when i cant even call you a friend yet

[wizkiddx]

...surprise

um okay so here I am trying angst again. this is kind of intended to be open ended bcos might have a part two at some point. im also lazy and has a few time jumps. also if someone could pls explain if you just get pics for the top of these off internet or credit on like gifs or something that’d be appreciated.

Summary: Tom comes home and everything is most definitely not the way he left, nor is it healthy

Warnings: please read with caution esp relationship with food / weightloss, but just generally a person in a bad bad head space, lots of self blame - then next parts will carry different warnings too

************************

Tom had been away for months. Months and months away from his girlfriend, separated entirely by his filming locations in Europe and America; while you were busy slowly and steadily climbing the ranks of your law firm. Being an intense period for the pair, you hadn’t managed to see each other in 2 and a half months.  Of course, both go you were used to this - 3 years deep into a relationship between an actor and a wanna-be lawyer- this was the name of the game.

But honestly? You both just kept falling deeper and deeper, making the separation harder to deal with - rather than getting used to it as one might hope.

That's why Tom felt such an incredibly overwhelming wave of relief as he dumped his bags just outside his front door. Even though he was exhausted from the travelling, just the mere act of finally phishing out his housekeys brought a massive grin to his face - caused particularly by the sight of his tacky little keyring from a Moroccan market that you’d bought him. That had been your first holiday. There’s that old saying that before you move in with someone go on holiday first - Tom understood it to mean you supposedly see all the bad and ugly stuff people can hide from each other, a prewiring before committing to living in the same space. However that holiday all he’d learned was incredible you are to him. To his dying day, Tom will never forget the moment he looked over to his left when the two of you were on this night time stargaze in the depth of the Moroccan desert. Y/n had never seen stars like it, the skies so incredibly clear and lit up with an array of magical blues and purples and whites on its sark background. The sight, for no unexplainable reason, had you completely opening up to Tom about things she’d never told a single soul. And in that moment he’d had this sort of realisation. Not about how much he loved her - because that is just the cliche thing everyone says… and also just wasn’t true.

In that moment he’d rather realised the potential. The sort of ‘I’m not there yet but I know you could become the centre of my universe’. The sort of ‘I’m not ready to say this yet, but I want to spend my life with you’. The sort of ‘at some point in my life I’m not sure my heart will be able to beat without yours’.

He still hadn’t quite got to explicitly saying all that yet, by asking you for the ultimate commitment. But he planned to now he was coming back to you.

Even with the chill of the early evening winter air, Tom was almost ecstatic as he unlocked the door and let himself in. He hadn’t told you that he was coming home, you thought he had another two weeks on the job, but Tom was a bit of an old romantic - he loved seeing your eyes fill with wonder as he surprised you in whatever way. Sometimes it was as simple as a note on the fridge, or a small bouquet from behind his back or as fancy as a surprise holiday.

However, this time, though it was only 6 in the evening, all the lights of their house were off making Tom raise an eyebrow as he quietly slipped off his shoes - not wanting to scare Y/n just in case.

Tom had sworn when he’d been on the phone with you the previous day, you didn’t have any plans tonight but perhaps maybe a spontaneous pub trip and been offered with work colleagues. The house felt a little cold as he padded through it, poking his head into every room just to check Y/n wasn’t there. His last port of call was the bedroom.

By this point, Tom was pretty resigned on the fact you were out and he’d maybe cook a meal for when you got back or hide about the house or something. But instead, when he poked his head around this door, he sighed in delight at the sight of a still mound under the plush white sheets. For a brief moment, Tom paused, before tiptoeing steadily round to her bedside. The light was still off but the hallway light illuminated the room enough so he could make out your soft features and the messy ball of hair that had been haphazardly thrown in a bun. Furthermore, he could also notice in the light the packet of painkillers and migraine tablets lying opened on the bedside - which made him freeze. Y/n didn’t get migraines often at all, but when she did Tom knew just how bad they could be. That explained the fact you were spark out at six o’clock, making Tom give a sympathetic smile. He crept back out the room with a little spring in his step, deciding that since he had had a long day travelling he'd grab a snack and join you. Unfortunately though, when he enthusiastically yanked the fridge open the sight was a rather depressing one. He didn’t really know what he was craving but the fridge contents were of almost no use to anyone. The place was bloody baron, apart from a tub of butter and of course his special beers that Y/n would never dare touch. With a small huff though, Tom resigned himself to some bread and butter, before getting ready for bed.

It was probably an hour later when Tom was carefully crawling under the duvet to settle in beside Y/n after the disappointing snack and maybe a solitary ‘welcome home beer’ - it would be rude not to. God was he excited to just have his girlfriend in his arms again though. So, Tom naturally reached over and powerfully yet gently pulled you back towards him - making your back flush with his as you mumbled something incoherent. Chuckling slightly at your apparent annoyance of being disturbed, Tom pressed a kiss to her temple before settling down momentarily.

But something wasn’t quite right, making Tom shuffle about a bit - ever adjusting huis grasp on your waist as he attempted to get comfy. With the migraine medications forcing you into a deep deep sleep you barely stirred and that just made the unease increase for Tom. Because you didn’t feel right. This didn’t feel right. Ever so slowly Tom started to peel back the duvet from your body from his now sitting upright position. Typically, Y/n was wearing one of his hoodies, however more concerningly it seemed to pool and collect around your frame more than normal.

Now, Y/n was never the most petite person in the world - by no means overweight, instead of beautiful curves and muscle. To Tom now though, it was as if someone had literally shrunk you - like a picture on a word document you needed to make narrower to fit the margins. Even in the dim light of the bedroom he know realised you looked pale. Honestly, Tom didn’t know how long he just sat there staring at you, until you sighed a little and pulled the duvet back up to just under your chin.

He didn’t know what to think or do. All he knew was you didn’t look well and that you hadn’t said a thing to him. Feeling so very uncomfortable within himself, Tom climbed out the bed and simultaneously grabbed his phone. He knew he had to call someone, to check that you hadn’t been ill - but then who to call? Someone that wouldn’t judge or instantly worry- your mum was completely off the cards. Also, he hadn’t even given you the chance to explain yet, so really he knew there was only a couple of options who were close enough to him too.

“Hey what’s up?” “Um nothing much, back in the UK though so-“ “Oh shit really! Kept that one quite bro” “Yeh well came back to surprise Y/n” “Oh you're soooo whipped” “Fuck off Haz, have you um… have you seen her recently anyway?” “You're asking me if I’ve seen your girl while you’ve been away?” “I’m being serious. You’re pretty much brother and sister and I’m -I’m a bit worried.” “What? You know she wouldn’t cheat especially with me” Haz’s tone turned less serious, using a goofy accent “ I know too much.” Haz still attempted to lighten the mood, this conversation very unexpected and making him grow more and more concerned himself. “Haz quit it. I’m worried she’s been ill. I’ve come in and she’s asleep with a migraine but there’s no food in the fridge and she’s skinny as hell.” “Fuck er sorry I didn’t realise. But um no she’s been cancelling on us for the past like two weeks cos like…I don’t know said she was just snowed under at the firm so” “But before then?” “No yeh she was fine. Went to the pub a couple times and she always drove so didn’t drink but nothing weird - think she wanted to keep a clear head. What are you thinking?” “I don’t know to be honest mate. She seemed fine on the phone but I swear to god she looks half the size  of what she was when I left.” “Just talk to her in the morning? She probably is just stressed if work has been mad busy.” Tom hummed in agreement, half trying to convince himself too. “Yeh yeh, sorry for bothering you.” “Oh shut up mate - I’ll see you both at your parents for the roast tomorrow? Sams got some new recipe I think, he’s been wittering on about it for days.” “Yeh we’ll be there, see you then mate.” 

After signing off to Haz, Tom placed his phone on the little table on the upstairs hallway and sighed. He knew he was being over-protective but he couldn’t help it. Y/n was always the one to care for him, in fact to care for everybody int he room and then some.

He’d get to the bottom of whatever this was tomorrow, and so the rest of the evening Tom spent rather unhappily get ready before bed yet again before climbing back in next to you.

///////////////////////////

Tom woke before you, a combination of jet lag and the worry in the pit of his stomach meaning he stirred awake first. Instinctively he pulled you closer and nuzzled his nose into the side of your neck as he slowly began to wake up properly - shrugging off the grogginess. Tom was still really excited for you to realise he was back, predicting you  to excitedly hug him ever so tight and then spend the morning between the sheets. He knew you found the distance tough, especially when all your closest friends were coupled off, it meant you just didn’t have ‘your person’. It was almost as if you were single again and instead of pining over an ex, hopelessly and completely in love with someone across the globe. But that just made your time together even more invaluable and precious.

So even with his slight unease at your slimmer silhouette, Tom didn't have any control over the loopy grin that came to his face as you started to stir and mumble something incoherent, all the while (and subconsciously) inching closer towards him. By the slight fluttering under your eyelid, Tom knew you were waking up and so took the moment to tuck your frizzy bed hair behind your ear. Sighing contently Y/n’s eyes fluttered completely open and Tom met your gaze with the most gently of smiles.

However, he then watched moment by moment as your expression morphed for one of peacefulness and content, through confusion, and ending at pure terror. He had barely thought of asking you why, before you yelped, throwing yourself up into a sitting position and backing as far away on the bed as you could from Tom. “TOM... I-you can’t be here! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!” “Y/n hey what’s wrong-“ “GET OUT! G-GET THE FUCK OUT! YOU CAN’T BE HERE” you  yanked the bedsheets to completely cover your huddled up body, as if trying to protect yourself. At this point, tears were streaming down your face and what truly terrified Tom was the expression of horror in your eyes. He threw his hands in the air and unsteadily stumbled to his feet. “O-okay I’m-“ “GET OUT!!! YOU CAN'T SEE ME GET OUT!” Completely bemused and shocked, Tom just nodded jerkily -already halfway out the door and accidentally slamming it in haste.

He had absolutely zero clue what that was about. But what he knew for a fact? He’d never ever seen you like that… you looked so completely terrified… of him? Tom couldn’t for the life of him work out what the hell was going on, as he paced from the shut door to the hallway wall and back again, running his hand through his hair throughout. He could hear you sobbing and whisper yelling - presumably at yourself. It felt as though his heart was being torn out, seeing you that upset and it appearing as his fault? He was acting on pure instinct and adrenalin because your pain hurt him too. He had no control of the physiological response in his body, making his hands shake and breathing increase in speed as it inversely got shallower too.

And so he took a short inhalation, biting his bottom lip as he knocked on the door. “Y/n?….” He got no response after waiting a couple of seconds so tried again - because he could hear you trying to stifle your sobs. After another two failed attempts he opted for a different approach. “Y/n… I’m worried about you… look, I know your upset right now but I need you to let me know your okay… or I’ll have to come in and…and I don’t want to spook you” “Don’t come in.” It was a sharp reply, with a voice that was cracked and clearly trying to keep It together. “Okay… I-I’m sorry if my surprise of coming home was a dumb idea…I-I’ve missed you.” Tom tried speaking softly, as he knelt down and sat with this back against the wall while nervously fiddling with his watch strap that he’d forgot to take off last night. Again he waited for a response but got nothing, again having to warn you he needed to know you were okay. He heard movements from the other side of the door, making him turn his head to the left, pressing his ear on the cool gloss paint. “I-I’m sorry” You barely were whispering, but Tom could sense you were now sitting in a position mirroring his “You don’t meed to apologise love” Returning her tone, Tom sighed at the end - trying to get his brain to process what was going on.

Y/n wasn’t one to overreact and Tom could count on one hand the number of serious fights they’d had in the three year romance. And even then, he was the one to raise his voice - when she argued it was more reasoned, slow and controlled. Actually it was one of the things that in those moments infuriated him even more - you were just so level headed and sensible. Scratch that, sensible purely in this context - everywhere else you were just as loopy as him. So this situation felt so very alien. He didn’t know how to help you and he bloody hated feeling useless.

After a few moments, you replied to apologise once again, for shouting specifically,  and Tom nodded - not that you could see. But that was one of the things Y/n had taught him, sometimes you just have accept things - no matter the context. Accept he wasn’t actually a superhero and couldn’t do everything, accept that sometimes he could be a dick and out of line or accept an apology.

“Can you.. can you try and tell me why your upset? I want to help.” He was trying to be gentle, non-confrontational. But he knew something was so wrong. He needed to know so he could try and help out. “I…”Y/n began, but quickly trailed off, as if trying to formulate the words properly. “I’ve just been ill and” again another pause “and I haven’t been looking after myself very well. I just planned to be umm- to be better when you got back.”

It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t really the truth either, at least not the whole truth. But it wasn’t a lie.

“I’m not sure I understand why your so worried about what I think though?” Tom inquired, as he started to fiddle with the door handle in his left hand - as if easing the idea of coming into his girlfriend without scaring you. In reply, you sighed again trying to put the words together without explicitly spelling it out to him. “I don’t- I thought you’d just be disappointed or-or think I’m reliant on you. I’m not and I can handle myself I just…. I don’t know.” “I love you, you idiot.”Tom chuckled at that, while standing up. “Can I come in now please? I promise I’m not disappointed just want to help you feel better.”

The door opened and no sooner could Tom take a step forward than Y/n ran into his chest, wrapping herself tightly around him in apology. He knew that he didn’t have the full story but really didn’t want to push her, more preferring to just love her. So that’s what they spent the rest of the morning doing, in their pyjamas and watching TV. Quite obviously, she wasn’t really making a lot of conversation, Tom filled some gaps with talking about filming - to which she’d hum in agreement or chuckle along. But for the most part Y/n was concentrating on something else.

The all-consuming guilt. That was what was eating away at her.

part 2?

[aadhiskanmani]

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS COMPLETELY MY OPINION ABOUT THE FOLLOWING FEATURES.  I feel the need to say this again because last time too i got a message but x,y,z film has x,y,z issues . I've said it before and i will say it again  It is all a mixed Bag, Mixed Genres, Mixed reasons to suggest them right from the quality to acting to cinematography to story to critical acclaim to some just for PURE ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES. ��I makes these lists because I feel these features deserve love and appreciation and because some made me feel Proud and some just for pure entertainment factor . 

I’ve Added the Info with the title about where you can watch (save myself a bit of time by not hyperlinking them This time since most of them are on prime and Netflix- pretty Straightforward right) +all features listed have subs

Asuran | Dhanush,Manju Warrier| Tamil [Prime]  : A Must Watch- Fair warning not for the weak Hearted, Has some Very Graphic scenes Dark and Gripping Saga about 2 families at war with each other. Vetrimaran has so smartly Merged the sociopolitical issues in the otherwise revenge story.Easily one of Dhanush’s Best Performances if not his finest yet(it is imo and i urge you all to see this to see how Lower classes are treated.It was the best Film of year 2019 Hands down for me. this one Gave me sleepless nights ,shook me like anything and i still shiver when i think of some of the things that have happened here. IF you want to see a BLOODY GOOD MOVIE watch this one.Manju is equally Fabulous as the grief stricken mother trying to keep her other family members safe.

Thambi|Jyothika, karthi|Tamil[Netflix] :From the Director of Drishyam(the original) An edge of seat thriller about a lost brother and her sister’s quest of finding him with humor and family drama included. After Drishyam another Fab family Thriller, Karthi has done a superb job and has shouldered the film well. i wish there was more Karthi and Jyothika Bonding though, Jyo is Good as always too but this one belongs to karthi 

Helan | AnnaBen,Lal| Malayalam[prime}: A very Well done Survival Drama about a girl stuck in a freezer at work place, Major Shoutout to the cinematography and ofcourse anna who’s so vulnerable int he situation yet has this fierceness in her act.

AlaVaikunthapuramloo|Allu Arjun,Tabu,Pooja Hegde| Telugu [netflix] Now this is what you call a complete family entertainer. After ages an allu arjun film which is so enjoyable and entertaining and has an interesting story too. It’s basically about a poor PA switching his child with the Boss’s child and what happens next.My only complaint is why don’t we have more of tabu and Bunny together. full on paisa vasool movie.Heard Karthik aryan is doing remake. plzz are you kidding me with this[so offended]

Sillu Karupatti|tamil| *sara arjun and a bunch of new People lol[Netflix]  Ahhh every story in this compilation of short stories is so real and So Beautiful. This one makes you beleive in Actual Love. Watch it esp for PinkBag(the first story and the 2nd one i forgot the name of)

Varane Avashyamund|Dulquer salmaan,shobana,kalyani priyadarshan|Malayalam[Netflix] This is the one that makes you miss home..leaves you smiling and you don’t realize when you’ve started feeling like you are part of the same apartment complex. again why so little of DQ and shobhana though?:( but yeah if you want to watch a feel Good film watch this one

Kaithi|Karthi|tamil {hotstar}  Kaithi is a tense, impressively shot action thriller It;’s about  A prisoner on parole, who’s on his way to meet his daughter, is enlisted by an injured police officer to protect a few cops. With the entire lot of gangsters in the place after them, can the prisoner save the day? Watch it for some Awesome Action sequences and For Karthi in probably his career best performance. Watch it before bollywood ruins it . i heard they are casting some shit actor for it. so yeah you probably wanna watch it with karthik. i was moved by the father daughter’s bond even though they were strangers to each other

Uyare|parvathy,tovino thomas,Asif Ali|malayalam[netflix]: a poignant tale of courage and survival. Parvathy is On some other High as  pallavi. it’s about an Acid Victim’s determination to be what she wanted to be to find her place in society. Brave Act and a Freaking awesome Movie

Virus|parvathy,tovino thomas,soubin,rima Kallingal|malayalam[prime] This one is quiet relevant in the times of Pandemic too. A film full of compassion  about containing a virus before it ruins too much based  the nippah virus outbreak in kerala recently. Also what An ensemble, Props to asshiq for managing to get that cast on board and then making a brilliant film.

Kannum Kannum Kollaiyadithaal|dulquer salmaan,Ritu Varma|rakshan|tamil[netflix] Two cons fall in love and decide to mend his way and settle down with their girlfriends. But a couple of curve balls, one in the form of a determined cop, are just waiting in store. It works for it’s Twists I Mean  Who expected someof  those twists and Turns?? Watch it for it’s unapologetic nature and Dulquer’s Performance.

Chhapaak|deepika padukone,vikrant massey|Hindi [hotstar] Hah! another Acid Victim survival Film. Yup But this one is Not entirely Fictional. This one is Based on a  real victim. Equally Compelling and Amazing. Deepika is simply At her best as malti. 

Thappad[tapsee,pavail gulati,ratna pathak shah|hindi[prime] A Must Must Must Watch. If I want you guys to watch anything on this list for sure it is This and asuran. This one is What you call a film on true feminism Which speaks about Domestic abuse but that’s not it it has underlying themes of Sexism,unequality . i have raved so much about it. it is SUch a strong take  Shown in a rather tender way minus any big lectures yet it’s hardhitting and soul stirring. WATCH IT LADIES 

Oh my Kaduvale|Vijay Sethupathy,ashok selvan,ritika singh|tamil[einthusan] it’s a Romatic Fantasy FIlm and again what a twist that was barely have seen a desi fantasy film handled & presented  this well and being his enjoyable. Sweet,simple and feel good. watch for the super fun cameo by Sethupathy hehe

Kombalungi Nights|fahadh faasil,shane nigam,anna ben, soubin saher|Malayalam[prime]  The film revolves around four brothers who share a love-hate relationship with each other. Their relationship progresses to another level when Saji, Boney, and Franky decide to help Bobby stand by his love. I didn’t wanted this one to be over. Experience it i won’t say much caz whatever i say won’t be enough so i’d rather not waste yours or my time hehe. 

Don’t forget to tag me or share with me what you think of them if you end up watching. my askbox is always open’ i’d love to hear your thoughts

[panharmonium]

Hey! Loving the Merlin takes on ur blog, and I wanted to ask—what are your opinions on Morgana? Haven’t seen a lot of talk abt her. I loved her, esp in season 1, which is also my fav season cuz after that I feel like things started to make less and less sense, lmao. I understand her descent into villainy (mostly, but why does she start to hate Gwen so quickly? feel like that could’ve been handled better) but I would’ve loved to see some solidarity between her and merlin!!!!!

hi there! :D

so, i LOVE morgana.  most of what i’ve said about her has been in the tags of gifsets that are now scattered haphazardly around my blog; i don’t think there are larger pieces yet besides my finale round-up (urgh lol), and most of that is just a function of time - i can’t possibly write expansive tracts of meta about every single merlin thing i love, because i love the whole show; i’d never leave my computer again.  i generally sit down to write long essays about whatever grabs my mind at a particular moment, even though there are a bazillion other things out there i love just as much. XD

but with morgana, i also feel like part of the reason i haven’t written much about her is because up until three and a half weeks ago (....oh my god, was it THREE AND A HALF WEEKs???  IT FEELS LIKE A YEAR) i hadn’t even finished the series yet, and the whole time i was watching this show i was sort of...waiting to see whether they would finally tie her arc together.  i didn’t feel like i could say too much about what was happening with her, because my evaluation of her arc was going to depend on where the writers finally chose to take it and whether they brought it to the place i thought it needed to go.

and...they didn’t, obviously, which is what i sort of suspected would happen, though i was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt all the way up until the end, because i don’t believe they ever wrote themselves into a corner with her.  there were things they could have handled with more depth, definitely, but i do not believe that they ever dug themselves into a hole they couldn’t climb out of.

i. what happened to you, morgana

essentially my opinion (just mine; nobody else is obligated to share it) of morgana is this: that the series ended before her arc was over.  

to me, season 5 was the nadir in our characters’ journeys.  they had reached their lowest point, their...“darkest hour,” to quote the show itself.  and in many familiar storytelling formats (the ones that have the most in common with bbc merlin, at least), we take our characters to a moment where they hit rock bottom, where everything is going wrong and things seem hopeless, and then we light a spark under their butts that starts the process where they fight their way out of it.  the nadir isn’t the endpoint of the curve; it’s the point where characters start climbing their long, slow way out of the pit.  it’s what they have to overcome in order to earn their eventual triumphant ending.

to me, season 5 was that nadir, for morgana and everyone else.  i never would have imagined season 5 to be the final season of the show, if i hadn’t known it was beforehand. i would have read season 5 as the show’s ‘empire strikes back’ moment.  the episode that ends with our team losing, but with a whole other episode remaining where they can fight to Make It Right.

i view merlin bbc as tantamount to a cancelled tv show, to be honest.  i know that’s not necessarily what happened (though it does feel pretty weird that they officially announced S5 would be the final season only four weeks before the finale was about to air??  very bizarre), but regardless of the actual behind-the-scenes-whatever, the fact of the matter is that for me, the series doesn’t end.  it stops.  and those two things are not the same.

this is particularly relevant to morgana because, as you said, there are aspects of her character arc that weren’t handled as deftly as they could have been, but if the show had brought morgana’s arc to the place where it felt like they were going in 5.09, they could have rescued so much of what came before.

to get into more detail -

i think the biggest issue with morgana’s arc for me isn’t so much what she does, it’s what we’re not shown as she does it.  

i fully believe that morgana would eventually start working to ensure uther’s downfall.  (obviously.  she’s been presented as the voice of moral authority on this show since episode one, and there’s no reason to believe that she wouldn’t ultimately start rebelling against the king’s oppressive policies.)  i believe that she would reject arthur, eventually.  and i believe that she would reject gwen, too.  but i don’t believe the show illustrates enough how painful this would be for her, or how conflicted it would make her feel.  

and again, as i said, there are my own personal opinions, couched in...some personal experience with certain kinds of family conflict - but i do understand where morgana’s bitterness toward arthur and gwen comes from.  arthur, for all that he’s “a better man than [his] father,” never fully breaks with uther the way morgana does.  he has his own little rebellions, yes, but ultimately he always falls in line.  he tolerates his father’s actions even if he doesn’t necessarily agree with them, and he continues to support uther even after uther is revealed to have lied about being morgana’s illegitimate father.  and because of this tacit acceptance of uther’s poor behavior, arthur reaps benefits and privileges galore.  morgana is cast out with nothing, whereas arthur, who didn’t even take a stand for justice, wants for nothing.  arthur is sitting pretty on the throne of camelot because he continued to bestow his honor and respect upon a man who deserved neither of those things, because he chose the villain of the series over his sister, even knowing what uther did to her.  and that’s gutting, for her.  he betrayed her.

(and there are things to be said on arthur’s end of this, too, of course - morgana doesn’t ever confide in him; she doesn’t come to him for help or give him a chance to even be informed about what happened to her before she jumps into invading camelot and dethroning uther - so for arthur, her sudden turnaround comes as a total shock, and HE feels betrayed, like he has no choice but to fight her - i mean, it’s just a big mess.)

but i understand why she hates him.  he continues to stand with a man who did demonstrable evil, despite the harm that was specifically done to morgana herself.  and by shutting up and letting atrocities be committed in front of him, arthur escapes the harm that morgana suffers for speaking up.  i understand why morgana is so bitter about it.

and gwen is a very similar situation - from morgana’s point of view, gwen is playing the arthur to arthur’s uther.  gwen sides with arthur over morgana, despite knowing full well that arthur’s policies harm people with magic.  gwen abandons morgana for her love interest, and for morgana that’s just like - “why would you do that?  i was your friend before he ever cared about you, i loved you before he ever did - don’t you see the evil he’s perpetuating?  don’t you care what he does to people like me?”  

that’s why morgana tells merlin, “don’t think i don’t understand loyalty just because i’ve got no one left to be loyal to.”  she feels like everybody who supposedly cared for her ultimately dumped her because her situation interfered with their comfortable, morally uncomplicated lives.  they weren’t willing to acknowledge what was done to her, and they stuck by the man responsible for it, and it seems incomprehensible to her, that they would make that choice, when his misdeeds are known and out in the open.  i can’t blame her for wanting to raze the city to the ground.

HOWEVER.

while i believe that all these things are completely plausible, i don’t believe that the series shows us appropriately how these things would be tearing morgana apart inside, underneath the rage and the armored front of  ‘you brought this on yourself, so burn in hell, i don’t care.’  

there are moments where the show gets it right.  when morgana wakes up after uther dies and says that she felt his pain - it’s not presented as gloating; she’s - almost confused.  uncertain.  like she doesn’t know what she feels.  when she confronts arthur at the end of season 4 (i thought we were friends/as did i) there’s real pain under the surface there.  when they confront each other at the beginning of season 5, too (what happened to you, morgana/i grew up) - you can feel the undercurrent of something deeper there, too.  and that moment with mordred in 5.09, when he appeals to her humanity (i hope one day you will find the love and compassion which used to fill your heart) - that is an amazing scene.  the show absolutely nails that moment.  morgana hesitates.  you can see the grief and the - the conflict written all over her face.  it’s perfect.  it’s exactly the turn i would have expected morgana’s arc to be taking, at that time in the series.

but then the show just stopped.  and without taking morgana’s arc further - without following it through all the way to its conclusion - there’s never any resolution to all the ways the show dropped the ball earlier.  all the moments where morgana appears to be just...evil-smirking her way through her revenge, the way she suddenly seems to have no feelings for gwen whatsoever, the utterly lost opportunity that was the “enchanted gwen” arc (which could have been such a powerful exploration of their broken relationship) - all those could have eventually made sense and fit into a narrative where morgana’s conflicted feelings finally begin to escape the stranglehold in which she has them choked, where we start to see the pain of these destroyed relationships rising to the surface.  

i can understand how morgana would just - shut off her feelings about these people.  she had to close her heart to them - the alternative would have been too painful.  but underneath - we know it wouldn’t be that easy.  we know it eats at her.  and it’s just - so incredibly frustrating that the series was starting to go there - the moment with mordred in 5.09 feels like the beginning of morgana’s big crisis of faith - and then the show just Stops.

so the thing about morgana for me is that, like you said, the show does drop the ball on illustrating her quick descent into evil-villain territory, and they especially drop the ball on her break with gwen, but all of it could have been salvaged, if they had committed to following her arc all the way through to its conclusion.  instead they chose to kill her (and everybody else, lol) just as her deep-rooted internal conflicts were finally starting to rise to the surface.

ii. we can find another way/there is no other way (aka the merlin problem)

i’ll say right up front that anything i say here is, as always, just my personal interpretation of things.  this is not necessarily the One True Way this show is meant to be understood; it’s just my own preferred read.

i have definitely seen some things in my brief foray into internet fandom that are sort of...piling on merlin for abandoning morgana or “gaslighting” her, most of which seem to be centered around the beginning of episode 2.03, which is weird to me, because the whole point of that episode is that merlin does help morgana, in the end - he’s the one who doesn’t gaslight her.  he defies gaius and takes her to the druids, specifically so they can tell her yes, she does have magic.  he tries to distract the attacking knights in order to enable morgana to escape with the druids permanently, like she wants.  and when the attempt fails, and they’re brought back to camelot, he comes to morgana’s chambers specifically to check on her and to assure her that he won’t reveal her secret to anyone, and she’s grateful for this - she thanks him, she’s appreciative of everything he did for her, she feels comforted to know the truth and to know that someone else knows it, too.  this episode ends with their relationship at a high point - it’s overwhelmingly positive, and it doesn’t take a nosedive until 1.12, when morgana gets in way over her head and merlin thinks she’s trying to murder them all.  (and even in that episode, it’s worth it to note, merlin is still covering for her magic in front of arthur, giving her chances.)

(and obviously also, of course, the end of that particular situation gets Real Bad Real Fast, which could be a whole post in and of itself, so let’s stay focused on the earlier eps, for now.)

the criticism of merlin in those earlier episodes seems to stem solely from the fact that he doesn’t out himself to morgana, which i can understand - i mean, i like the idea of a ‘merlin+morgana secret magic squad’ AU as much as anyone - but i’ll be honest and say that nowadays, i’m not quite as willing to condemn him for it as i might have been on my first viewing.

i’m not willing to condemn him for it at all, actually.

(and again - as i said, these are my own opinions!  everybody else is welcome to have different opinions!  we all engage with media differently, and there isn’t a right or wrong way to approach this situation, just whichever way feels best to you.)

so, for me, i’m not interested anymore in telling merlin that he should have revealed himself to anyone, at that point in the story.  it would be different if he had been like - continuing to tell morgana ‘oh, no, you don’t have magic, don’t be crazy,’ or if he had been pretending to hate magic like everyone else so he could blend in, but he doesn’t do that, at the end of the episode.  he sends her to the druids.  he chases after her when he realizes she's in danger.  he openly acknowledges her magic, he supports her in having it, he makes sure she knows she has nothing to fear from him.  by the end of 2.03, he’s gone to great lengths to help her; he’s already made certain that she knows he’s on her side and that she can trust him.  she clearly knows that he accepts her and that he supports her - those are his responsibilities to her as a fellow human and as a friend, and those are exactly the responsibilities he makes sure to fulfill.  she knows her secret is safe with him.  

now - whether or not merlin feels safe enough to out himself, after making sure morgana knows he accepts and supports her, is his own business.

i think there are a number of reasons why it wouldn’t be fair for me to criticize merlin for continuing to conceal his secret, the first of which is something i already mentioned in another piece - that a marginalized person’s first responsibility is to their own safety, when forced into hiding under oppressive social conditions.  merlin isn’t obligated to reveal himself for anybody.  he’s not obligated to put himself in danger out of some kind of...responsibility to the community.  (not at this point, anyway.  it gets more complicated later, as merlin becomes more powerful, which i also address in that other piece, but that’s all in the future for him and not relevant at this moment.)

i think it would be easy for me to forget that merlin isn’t safe, in the early seasons.  we’re so used to thinking of merlin as ‘the greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth,’ because that’s what we keep being told he’s going to become, but again, that’s all so far in the future for him.  merlin in the early seasons can do some things with his abilities, but not consistently, and not to the level where we can reasonably expect him to resist the entirety of camelot’s army, if they were to come for him.  merlin is in real danger, and he’s not evil for being unwilling to share a secret about himself that would ensure his death, if it somehow got back to the wrong people.

second - i don’t think it would be fair for me to discount merlin’s personal history, either.  merlin’s life didn’t start in camelot, and he hasn’t even been in camelot for all that long, comparatively, by the time we get to S2.  season one takes place over a few months, starting in either spring or summer and ending in the fall (after the referenced harvest in 1.10/1.11, but before winter sets in).  the weather is nice by time season 2 starts, so we can probably assume that S2 takes place once winter has passed (although, it’s technically possible that S2 takes place over the same autumn as S1, I guess...but it’s not made clear to us, timeline-wise.)  either way, we just really have to remember that merlin’s stay in camelot by the time we reach 2.03 is still this blip compared to the rest of his life.  

it would be very easy for me to say that merlin should have told morgana, that there’s no way she would ever have given him up - and i probably would have said that very thing, after the first time i watched the show - but like - nowadays, i really think i have to step back from that certainty and be a little more gentle.  we say we “know” that morgana wouldn’t have willingly betrayed merlin’s secret at that point, and sure, i agree, that’s probably true - but does merlin know that?  

of course not!

i think he hopes that.  i think he would dearly like to believe that.  i also think merlin grew up in a situation where he couldn’t fully trust even the people he’d known all his life, with two (vital!!!) exceptions, and he has been in camelot with a bunch of brand-new people for less than a year, and he can’t be certain of them, however much he wants to be.  (and that’s not even considering the possibility of accidental betrayals, or coerced ones - remember, the witchfinder shows up in S2 also, as just one example.)

remember that exchange merlin has with freya, later this season?

“you can’t always trust people.”

“i know.  that’s why i left home.”  

merlin is not used to showing himself to people.  he has been taught all his life to NEVER, EVER show himself to anybody.  everyone in camelot who finds out about his magic finds out either by accident (like gaius or lancelot), or necessity (like freya and gilli - though gilli is interesting, because i think merlin’s decisions there are motivated precisely by the choices he didn’t make with morgana - which i’ll go into more later).  

in twenty-odd years, merlin has only ever told one person about his magic.  and even that generous assumption requires a little bit of inferencing for us to determine, though i think it’s likely enough, if not confirmable.

(i am, in case it’s unclear, referencing 1.10, when merlin is explaining to will why hunith sent him away to camelot: “when she found out you knew - she was so angry.”  that, to me, has always been a signifier that merlin told will about his magic, as opposed to will finding out by coincidence.  i know there are a lot of headcanons floating around out there about various...accidental situations that may have occurred which forced merlin to reveal his magic in front of will, and those are all obviously totally fun to play with, but after hearing this particular line - i never understood that to be the case, to be honest.  we’ve seen hunith enough to have a pretty solid understanding of her character.  she and merlin are always easy and gentle together, she’s so kind and calm and thoughtful - i can’t imagine that she wouldn’t have understood, if there had been some kind of accident that forced merlin’s hand.  she’d be just as afraid for his future safety, of course, and she would have wished he’d told her right away, but she wouldn’t have been “so angry.”  

...she might, however, have been “so angry” if she’d found out that merlin had specifically undermined every sacrifice she’d ever made to keep him safe/ignored every single one of her warnings/rejected every cautious thing she’d been telling him for his entire life and TOLD somebody about his magic when it wasn’t remotely necessary.  that’s the only scenario i can imagine that would prompt merlin to say “she was SO angry” in that half-awed, half-intimidated tone, with that little headshake, like it was such a singular event, like it’s still formidable for him to remember.)

so anyway, that said - it’s too easy for me to say ‘he should have told morgana/gwaine/gwen etc; they would never have turned on him,’ as if it would have been such a simple thing for him to do, as if there were no dangers associated with their knowledge even if they would never have willingly given him up, as if he was refusing to do it because he didn’t want to, or because his fears were overblown, or because he was foolish for thinking they would ever hate him for his gifts.  i think that really minimizes the reality of his struggle, and the danger of his situation.  without the pressure of some crisis to force his hand, merlin has only ever willingly revealed himself to one person.  that person is dead.  that person died specifically ensuring that merlin could stay safe and hidden from the rest of the world, morgana included - merlin’s continued secrecy is a gift that was bought at an impossibly high price, and it’s not simple for him to contemplate squandering it, especially with no guarantee that things will turn out okay.

because there IS no guarantee that things will turn out okay!  a lot of the “merlin should have told morgana” online talk centers around the idea that knowing about merlin’s magic would have kept morgana from feeling alone/betrayed, thus preventing her from turning to the “evil” methods she uses later, but again, i don’t think we actually know that at all.  solidarity between merlin and morgana would have been a nice thing, definitely; i’d like to see that too, but i don’t think the fact that she and merlin are both magic-users would have guaranteed harmony between them.  merlin and gilli are both magic-users, too, and merlin expects this to be enough to convince gilli to “see the light,” but the fact of the matter is that merlin and gilli just have very different ideas about what it means to do the right thing.  merlin thinks it means biding his time and waiting for change to come from the top (because he’s been TOLD by greater powers that this is the right course of action, of course; let’s note again that merlin’s situation is extremely complicated) whereas gilli thinks that doing things merlin’s way makes merlin complicit with an unjust regime.  gilli says ‘i shouldn’t haven’t to wait for someone else to give me my rights.  i’m going to take them myself.’

the fact that merlin and gilli share a bond as magic-users doesn’t protect them from an ideological divide that puts them on different sides of the same struggle.  i’m not sure that merlin and morgana wouldn’t have still ended up in the same situation, eventually, if merlin had chosen to out himself to her - but doing so would certainly have made him a thousand times more vulnerable to attack.

third - it’s also important to remember that if we’re going to hold merlin to this rigid ‘he should have told morgana everything/confided in her/trusted her at the expense of possibly his own life despite the fact that she exists at the completely opposite end of a rigid social hierarchy as him and he’s known her for less than a year’ then maybe we ought to raise the bar for morgana, as well.  morgana is very clearly shown to trust and appreciate merlin at the end of 2.03, but by 2.11, when alvarr and mordred show up and convince her to steal the crystal of neahtid, she doesn’t hesitate or come to merlin at all, despite the fact that we never see him do anything to lose her trust between then and now.  she never asks him for help, even when she’s uncertain about alvarr’s methods, and that leaves merlin in the dark, only privy to confusing images of her sneaking around and acting suspicious.  and even with that, merlin doesn’t condemn her for what she does, the same way he doesn’t blame her when she tries to kill uther in 1.12 - he helps arthur retrieve the crystal, but he doesn’t give morgana up.  and he doesn’t hold any kind of grudge, either - in the next episode, merlin doesn’t even suspect her, at first - he thinks it must be her magic protecting her; he doesn’t even consider the idea that she has anything to do with the illness, not until kilgharrah tells him.  

and even after that, he STILL covers for her in front of arthur, and he gives her a chance to come clean to him - but she doesn’t take it.  

i’m not condemning her for that - i get why she would be afraid to admit to such a big mess - she was in way over her head and didn’t know what to do.  but if we’re going to cut morgana this much slack and accept her fears as a valid enough reason to block a potential moment of connection, then we have to accept that merlin’s fears were valid, too - morgana’s descent into “villainy” was not something we can pin solely on merlin’s already overburdened shoulders.  the end of season 2 was not some kind of one-way failure.

in summary: merlin and morgana were trapped in an impossible situation.  they were both victims of the same oppressive regime, and both of them had very real, very dangerous obstacles to letting themselves trust in and reach out to others, and i think pitting them against each other while forgetting who the real villain was is unfair to them both.

also, a brief postscript: circling back to the first section of this piece, where i talked about how season 5 just stopped before anyone’s arc was finished - merlin and morgana could have had so much more, if we’d gotten another season.  their relationship is really in the pits, by season 5, but there is this deleted scene where arthur is reflecting on what happened to morgana and blaming himself, and merlin says arthur shouldn’t take the blame, that “there were others better placed to help morgana” (implicating, of course, himself) and that was SUCH a jumping off point for their story to have continued.  merlin wanted to do better by her.  he blamed himself for what happened to her.  and morgana, for her part, was starting to question herself, as we saw during her confrontation with mordred in 5.09.

there were places for this relationship to go.  it wasn’t a lost cause.  but the writers decided that it made more sense to just...eliminate everybody at the exact moment when things were poised to possibly change.

the story wasn’t over at the end of season 5.  but the show was, and i am always going to regret those many lost opportunities.

[kaypeace21]

I really like your theories about Will having powers and they gave me an idea as well. What if El doesn't have powers any more because Will took them. We know he has a connection to the mind flayer so what if MF 2.0 used the leg wound to steal El's powers.

Yes, I actually mentioned that very theory in an old text-post of mine (link of it at the end). I think Will has ESP, lightning/fire powers, and can open portals/ has technopathy (the last 2 powers he shares with El). But he can also create monsters into existence. I mentioned the many examples in a previous video , and a bit in that text post (links of those will also be at the end of this post) . 

But to describe EVERYTHING as briefly as possible. 

Will created everything the demorgorgan, the mindflayer, etc- and his ‘story’ is very susceptible to other peoples’ suggestions . He always asks his friends what he should do when facing the d&d monsters (the demorgorgan/thessalhydra) - and they suggested “fire balling it” both times (which is all the upside-down creatures’ weakness).  In S1 Jonathan/Nancy/Steve light the demogorgan on fire. In S2 they burn the mindflayer out of Will, and burn the vines. S3 they throw fireworks (fireballs) at the monster the mindflayer created.

In  s2 , the gang read (in Will’s d&d manual) that mindflayers (the representation of his abusive dad/the thesalhydra shown at the end of s1) could be killed by zombies. Will was dubbed zombie boy in s2,  and in s3 watches ‘day of the dead’ (a movie about zombies) and then writes a story about juju zombies. Will says in his d&d story “it bites your arm, flesh tears- aaaah!” But instead it bites El’s leg as she screams “ah!” as Mike rips it off her leg.  Than the victims of the mindflayer turn into zombies and become ‘the thing’. Because when Will’s writing his d&d story he’s sitting right next to Mike’s  ‘the thing ‘ poster. 

And because after being m*lested by his dad he probably feels like a monster/ a ‘thing’. In s3, Lucas and Mike even debate which version of the film is better- so obviously the whole gang (including Will) has seen it.  And in s2, he  lies to his mom and says the mindflayer sketch was ‘for a story he’s writing’. But unbeknownst to him that’s what is actually happening. 

However, s3 truly reveals how powerful he is. Because it’s not just monsters he creates . But he can alter reality itself (without a monster having to do it). When Mike hijacks Will’s d&d story saying ‘they’ll torch the chambers, sacrificing themselves’, killing the juju ’.  Will gets angry and yells “Fine, you win.” And then Joyce and Hopper do just that when they pull the lever, and Hopper ‘dies’ sacrificing himself, and the Russians literally are eviscerated. 

And In s2 Nancy describes the mindflayer (but she’s actually describing Will).

“So this thing is like a brain that’s controlling everything.”

Hopper then says “So how do we kill this thing shoot it with fireballs?”

And Dustin says “ No, No, fireballs you summon an undead army.”

But Mike actually nails it on the head when he says, “If the brain dies the body dies … closing the gate will kill him (referring to Will).”

Because it’s not the mindflayers’ brain - it’s Will’s brain! 

The mindflayer is part of Will’s army ( not the other way around). I’m making a video on it, so I wont get into it now (especially since it would be like 30 paragraphs long and it’s just way easier to convince you with all the visual evidence).  But essentially the upside down/ creatures represent Will’s s*xual abuse at the hands of his father. And in s3 almost every main person attacked was r*ped/m*lested by their dad- Heather, Billy, Jonathan, and El. The one exception is Nancy, but she’s targeted because she was r*ped by Lonnie in s1. 

While in s1 and 2…

the scientists - ( that enter the upside down and are brutally killed)- represent Will’s dark thoughts/anger about Lonnie invading his “room”. Since it is where a lot of the abuse took place. We see Will in s1-2 (despite having a sweet demeanor) have a large “no trespassing” sign on his bedroom door. And similarly castle Byers (which he created) has a doorbell and a password - which shows he has serious issues with how much he values privacy (almost excessively).

Barb- Is the part of him, who hates himself for having same-sex attractions and being in love with his best friend (who is also a Wheeler).

And the hunters were killed- because it was said in s1, Will and Jonathan went on hunting trips with their father (where abuse took place)>

While we also see in s2 , all of Will’s father figures being attacked - Hopper with the vines,Dr Owens by the demorgorgan. And sadly Bob (who “was a lot like Will at his age.”). This probably represents his fears of having another father figure- and his subconscious lashing out/attacking them as form of self-defense. And Bob (who was alot like Will) being the one that dies, probably  represents his desire to kill himself in s2, as well.

So in s3 with El…

Will feels alot of resentment towards her. El might have saved him twice (and it might of been an accident/ dr Brenner who’s really to blame). But Will knows she opened the gate . So to him, he spent a week in a place with no sunlight, food, or breathable air , having to experience that vine, dying, getting ptsd, being ostracized by everyone at school and being called “zombie boy” and a “freak”- being possessed by the MF, getting burned alive, killing Bob (the closest thing to a real father figure) and all those men (making him a murderer), and strangling his mom.’Because of her!’Not to mention besides being in love with Mike- he feels like she’s “ruining the party”. Because Mike is acting like an asshole to all his friends when dating her.

And then that’s when s3 starts to make a lot more sense. Will might not want anything bad to actually happen to El but he’s probably had these dark thoughts before.  Will even says about the MF. He says the real Mf is still in the upside down, but ‘the part that was still in him… was still in their world.’ And it flashes to El’s face as he says it. 

Essentially the Mf is motivated by his fictionalized story, thoughts/memories of Lonnie, and any dark intrusive thought Will has ever had about El , much to Will’s horror.He said in s3 that “I’m not worried about me, mom. I’m worried about you.” So the fact that he strangled her and almost killed her in s2, probably haunts him to this day- and he might of thought, ‘wish I strangled her instead’. And who does Billy/Mf look at right before grabbing her throat, and who is the first reaction shot we see when he starts choking her - Will’s horrified expression!

Maybe the Mf thought El was the most important, and that Will was nothing ( despite all the foreshadowing indicating the Mf held special intentions for Will), because he feels like he’s nothing compared to El? Will even says in s2 it wanted to kill everyone, but him, but now it’s saying that to El only? Maybe because Will wanted her to experience having such an entity say it to her too, and experience the same fear and isolation it caused him? In s2, why did the Mf chase Will and possess him at the school, when El (at the same time) was at the school as well (if it was always after her)? It’s because the Mf’s motivations are linked to Will’s feelings/emotions.

He probably also thought, how would you like a slug crawling/invading your body,  like it did to me, huh?And although it doesn’t go to her mouth (probably because he could never wish that on anyone- if it symbolizes what I think it does). She still has a similar experience. And everyone is worried/horrified but Will is the only one sobbing (probably because he thought of this happening to her before).

After this he doesn’t even help move the car, he just stays glued at El’s side as if trying to protect her. And interestingly, this is when El loses her powers. Will may have even thought. If she never had her powers, none of this would have ever happened!

Will was always hinted to have powers from the very beginning.

In the 1st episode, Will wins Dustin’s xmen comic in a bet- and Dustin later asks the gang “Do you think Eleven was born with powers like the xmen?” While in the last ep of s1 (when Will returns) Dustin says to him “she’s like a wizard.” COUGH ‘Will the wise’ , Will’s alter-ego who happens to be wizard.

Will  also has always been associated with bears (along with 3 other animal symbols that El also has).  We see a zoom in shot of Will’s bear drawing right before the demorgorgan takes him from the upside down version of castle byers in s1. Bears symbolically represent  “wisdom” like ‘Will the wise’ and were associated with the demorgorgan/upside down in s1 and 2 as well . Max and Nancy both compared demorrgorgans to bears- and Nancy and Jonathan used a bear-trap to capture the demorgorgan in s1. So when El tries to grab Will’s teddy bear (it was shown to be his in s1) with her powers. And Mike says “they’ll come back”. They might actually come back, because Will and EL’s relationship improves. Mike even tried to give El a golden bear as a gift (so maybe that signifies the giving back of her powers in s4 or 5 ?)

Will  before the series began experienced ‘dissociative amnesia’ but is now remembering the abuse (and since he’s psychic) his memories are manifesting into  monsters - he has little to no control over.

“Many survivors of incest are able to “forget” about the abuse until sometime later …when memories are triggered by certain events or when the body and mind are no longer able to conceal the memories.”

“Children are more likely to ‘dissociate’ so people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse frequently experience this. Dissociation is defined as ‘an experience where you feel disconnected in some way from the world around you or from yourself.’ During the traumatic incident the person might enter an altered sense of reality, detached from them selves and time.”

”Victims of incest learn early in their lives to detach themselves from their experiences. Some do this by pretending that the abuse is a dream.” 

Bob talks about a clown that would “come to him every night” in his dreams.  And that he ‘couldn’t get him out of his head.’ His story being a clue to the audience that the supernatural manifestations are coming from Will’s mind. While, in s1 Joyce talks about Will having nightmares and even asks him if he’s still afraid of clowns.

Even before Bob tells him the story about the clown, we see the the appearance of a clown (and not the other dressed up bullies) is what triggers Will to have a ptsd-flashback.

“clients who have experienced incest often report that their external world, including people, shapes, sizes, colors and intensities of these perceptions, can change quickly and dramatically at times. Some real or perceived threat triggers these distorted perceptions of self and outer reality.”

“Reports such as this one are not uncommon for survivors of incest and often are exacerbated as these individuals work through the process of remembering and integrating trauma experiences into a coherent life narrative.”

“There may be a “confusion about the reality of events” and the “meanings of available mental contents.”

So the reason he refers to them as “now-memories” is because they are things he’s already experienced (as memories) but he’s only now remembering them- because of his “dissociative-amnesia’ . His triggers being doors (fear when his father would get home) and bath tubs ( which are a common place for abuse to occur).

There are 4 hallmarks of a potential dissociative disorder

“An individual struggling with dissociation or a dissociative disorder may only experience one of the following or may experience multiple. Each individual’s experience with dissociation can be varied. Symptoms can last just a matter of moments or return at times over the years.”

1)“Dissociative Amnesia-The forgetting of a major event, such as a childhood trauma or forgetting (traumatic) things happening in real-time.”

2)“Identity confusion and alteration -When an individual forgets who they are or takes on a new personality unlike themselves.”

(x)

3)“Derealization-Feeling like the world is not real or is foggy.”

(x)

4) “Depersonalization-The sense of not being in control of, or not being connected to, one’s body.”

*Not to mention he has almost all the symptoms/warning signs of a csa victim. You can read in more detail here

The Mindflayer represents Lonnie Byers (psych/narrative analysis) 

Will created the Mindflayer analysis (where I mentioned Will taking her powers).

Lonnie represents the mindflayer (video)

Will was born with powers (evidence compilation video)

* And just all my other St theory/character metas if you are interested  / or missed them XD

[theothersideofhim]

Stan Figures It Out: Part 1 (or, Asmodeus’ Super Fun Beehive Poking Text Log) (or, Nobody)

((So a few days ago me and Sarah went through a lot of really cool character development, but it was all over discord. I’d really like to have a record of it over here and let ya’ll read cuz it was GR8. 

Broke up it up into two parts since it’s so much, and this is part one. Basically Ash ( @ashenheartx ) decided to bother Stan about stealing his idea of making Merlin into a Hell puppet for a hot second, his previous relationship with God, and basically have a big old gay crush on Lucifer. Stan hates all these things and overreacts in true Stan theatrics fashion.

Warnings: NSFW descriptions and general lewd emojis. Ash being Ash. No other triggers far as I know.

Next part to come soon, probably tomorrow.))

Ash:

[txt] ps fuck you for stealing my idea and then failing it btw this is overdue

Stan:

[txt] OH CONGRATULATIONS

[txt] ITS BEEN HOW FUCKING LONG? AND YOU JUST GET THE BALLS TO FUCKING SAY SOMETHING TO ME?

[txt] WELL WELL WELL AT LEAST I KNOW YOU CAN DO MORE THAN FUCK

Ash:

[txt] well your butt was already spanked figured itd take this long for it to heal

Stan:

[txt] HARDY HAR HAR. YOURE REAL FUNNY YOU KNOW THAT? I SHOULD GIVE YOU A PROMOTION TO HEAD FUNNYMAN

[txt] GUESS WHAT THE CURRENT FUNNYMAN IS DOING?

Ash:

[txt] ruling hell for you

Stan:

[txt] WHA

[txt] NO

[txt]

[txt] I PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF THE WRITING TEAM FOR RICK AND MORTY

[txt] SO KEEP THAT IN FUCKING MIND

Ash:

[txt] you lied so hard and fast

[txt] you STUTTERED IN TEXT

Stan:

[txt] WELL I FIGURED THATS HOW YOU LIKED IT

Ash:

[txt] STUTTERED?

Stan:

[txt] I MEANT HARD AND FAST BUT FROM YOUR TRACK RECORD YOU DO SEEM TO LIKE SHRINKING VIOLETS SO

[txt] SHRINKING SHRIEKING NUNS

Ash:

[txt] that was ONE nun 

[txt] well alright it was mORE than oNE nun but she was special circumstance

Stan:

[txt] MMMMHMMMMM. AND BY THE WAY THAT WAS TIME WELL SPENT GOOD JOB. THAT DIDNT TURN INTO AN INCREDIBLE FAILURE

[txt] WHILE WE'RE ON THE FUCKING TOPIC

Ash:

[txt] he is only a failure FOR NOW

[txt] he's still not a defective one like many others

[txt] and has actual power

Stan:

[txt] Yeah he does I'll give him that

[txt] Can you really blame me for trying to step in and speed things up?

Ash:

[txt] yes

Stan:

[txt] Nope not allowed

Ash:

[txt] it is allowed because now it will take TWICE AS LONG 

[txt] because now he has sex and it's not as much of a pressure point

Stan:

[txt] im sorry im

[txt] IM FUCKING

[txt] gagGING BE RIGHT BACK

Ash:

[txt] ?????????? stop thinking about my son's dick

Stan:

[txt] YOU MENTIONED YOUR SONS DICK and please DON'T act like you DON'T think about it

Ash:

[txt] it's kind of my entire schtick to think about hidden treasure

Stan:

[txt] Isn't the real hidden treasure the dicks we sucked along the way though

Ash:

[txt] see now ive gone from mad to camaraderie and i dont appreciate that 

[txt] some how i doubt you have sucked any dicks tho

Stan:

[txt] OH NO IM THE DEVIL OOOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[txt] IVE SUCKED ONE DICK DONT @ ME

Ash:

[txt]  🤔

[txt] proof

Stan:

[txt] UH IM SORRY

[txt] THEY DIDNT REALLY HAVE KIK OR SNAPCHAT BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE UNIVERSE

Ash:

[txt] bitch you gave god a bj why isn't this FRONT PAGE news

Stan:

[txt] THERES SOME HIDDEN TREASURE FOR YOU NOW FUCK OFF

Ash:

[txt] GURL WE AIN'T DONE WHO ELSE YOU BLOWIN

Stan:

[txt] RIGHT NOW IM PRETTY SURE EVEN ENTERTAINING THIS CONVERSATION IS CONSIDERED SUCKING YOUR DICK SO YOU??????????

Ash:

[txt] pretty sure my poor dick is flacid and not in your mouth but okay

Stan:

[txt] THE LAST THING YOU WANT IN MY MOUTH IS YOUR DICK

[txt] I'LL SUCK YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD

[txt] ILL VORE YOU FUCKING TRY ME

Ash:

[txt] honey 

[txt] darling

[txt] you've done worse to me please

[txt] oop kink shamed the devil

Stan:

[txt] If there's anything that can be said for me

[txt] It's that I don't have that as a kink

Ash:

[txt] shocking honestly 

[txt] what with that mouth tum 

[txt] but really not even luci? slacking

Stan:

[txt] YOUSHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT LUCIFERS ENTIRE DICK

Ash:

[txt] why the FUCK would i do that? it's a good dick 

[txt] ESP WHEN IT'S CUTE AND SMALL

Stan:

[txt] LISTEN YOU OVER GLORIFIED FUCK BUDDY

[txt MAYBE I SHOULD TELL EVERYONE ABOUT YOUR LITTLE """""HIDDEN TREASURE""""""

Ash:

[txt] my cute butt because that's not hidden at all and you can ask luci

Stan:

[txt] Is it motherfucker????????????? Is it???? You're telling me you let Lucifer fuck you in the pussy????????????????????????? Because I'm calling bullshit on that. I'm calling bullshit that you ever allow anyone to get that fucking close to you anymore.

Ash:

[txt] well all of that is true, but he is aware of it i am sure. we didn't spontaneously know each other when we dropped out of the sky 

[txt] besides you probably dont share treasure like that because then how do you get to roll around in it when you want to to feel special. you dont. that's like telling people where the candy stash is

Stan:

[txt] YOU REALLY HIDING THE CANDY FOR LIKE 6000 YEARS CHIEF?????[txt] AT THE VERY LEAST I SHOULD GET A TASTE

Ash:

[txt] oh wait did i let the cat out of the bag for you because wow?????????????????? 

[txt] didn't you already know i had a pussy like come on man you've probably found it already 

[txt] it's pretty hard to remember some of that time when we first got down here though

Stan:

[txt] oh no bitch

[txt] i definitely knew

[txt] a shame you don't reMEMBER the fun we had

[txt] but it's been a WHILE AND A HALF

Ash:

[txt] must not have been all that good????????????? 

[txt] dick wasn't bomb apparently 

[txt] besides you alwyas had a thing for luci

Stan:

[txt] I'LL PUT A BOMB IN YOUR ACTUAL ASS I DID NOT ALWAYS HAVE A THING FOR HIM AND STOP CALLING HIM LUCI

Ash:

[txt] you had a THING for luci the first day we hit Hell don't even pretend you didn't 

[txt] luci luci luci 

[txt] how else am i supposed to say his name when he poppin that puss

Stan:

[txt] IM GONNA F CU KING PISSS

[txt] FUCK OFF

Ash:

[txt]  💄💯✨

[txt] and lemme remind you; it pOPS 💦

[txt] if you aren't saying 'luci' when you come im not sure what you're doing with your life 

[txt] but it's the wrong thing, darling 

[txt] i'll pray for you and your weird little obsessive love affair

Stan:

[If Ash is anywhere near the ninth level of Hell at that moment he might hear Stan literally screeching like a raccoon being rammed with a tennis racket. But then shortly after he wouldn't hear anything except for the illusion of Mitski's "Nobody" chorus playing on loop. It was sad and melancholy and repetitive and perfectly summed up the insult Stan WANTED to say about Ash's fucking life, but wasn't able to get past the screaming. Who the fuck cared about Ash's little opinion? Nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody....]

Ash:

[Look, Ash is a CACKLIN' instead of being offended because if Stan had meant to camouflage his feelings he had instead loudly broadcasted them. So, as a final goad, he gently hit send one final time. 

[vid] it's grainy like ten years ago small cellphone quality with sound, but it sure is Lucifer getting railed from chest to between thighs. it's less than thirty seconds and includes orgasms that end with dick withdrawing with an aforementioned pop and leak of white fluid 

[txt]  ❤️ 🎵 ttyl ]

Stan:

[Stan was having a HARD TIME OKAY????? He sure as fuck didn't need to be called out by Ash, and he sure as fuck couldn't keep up the illusion as soon as the video came through. That song snapped right out of Ash's reality with the same kind of swiftness as Stan's surprisingly potent jealousy boiling up within him. The phone got thrown on the ground, stomped on, punched a few times, then kicked across the motel room. 

THEN Stan got out a bat and beat the phone within an inch of it's digital life, manifested a hydraulic press and squished the phone with 12 tons of pressure per square inch, before finally mANIFESTING A GERMAN LEOPARD 2A6 TANK AND ROLLING IT THROUGH THE MOTEL LOBBY TO FINALLY DESTORY THE PHONE. 

(And then blast it with the tank's fully traversing rotating gun turret but by then he'd realized he'd never get that image out of his head no matter how much damage he did the phone.)]

[monohart]

bread. (highschool!au)

ft. hwang hyunjin, bread and angst-fluff.

chan bet you couldn’t make bread

you bet you could

changbin put 50 bucks for can’t

actually

everyone betted against you, including your boyfriend hyunjin

he gave you a wink from the other side of the room and you didn’t know whether to laugh or cry

he wasn’t kidding when he warned you last night that if you bet against them, they’re either all for you, or all against you

you couldn’t even take out your anger on him for being so annoying without being too obvious

because hyunjin wasn’t a fan of pda... or any publicity for that matter

so it was silly but none of the others knew you two were going out

y’all been dating in secret for almost a full year

“i just don’t wanna share you with the others”

it was a pathetic excuse but the relationship was between you two only so who cares if nobody else knew

right??

anyway

you didn’t spend most an entire summer learning to bread and pastries with your aunt to Lose the bet

but long story short you won the bet and you were like the tax collector that day

changbin lowkey thought you were pretty cool hated you from then

in the afternoon, hyunjin ditched soccer practice to hang out with you because he was kinda very extremely super proud that you pulled through with the bet and showed the boys what you were capable of

the entire time they ate your bread he was just like

wow... damn i’m lucky

you had lots of assignments to get through so he came to help

you guys didn’t really have a secret hideout so you brought him home.

one thing led to another and

y’all ended up snuggling on your carpet

he was in his soccer gear aka Dirty™ so you didn’t let him on the bed

but at the same time you were so deprived of getting pampered by him so the carpet had to do

“but now i’ve dirtied your carpet, haven’t i?”

you punch him and he laughs his stupid cute little laugh :<

you send him off right before dinner because y’all didn’t want parents to start asking questions about you two

seungmin was your neighbour and should be coming home from soccer practice (the one hyunjin ditched) so the goodbye was short and sweet

you watch him sprint down the street and turn to you just before disappearing around the corner, to blow you another kiss

he was a soft baby to you but when it came to his friends the most he could do was sit next to you and tease you till no end

and quite often his teasing made you really quite genuinely annoyed at him bc

lol hwang hyunjin is a lil shit have you seen him

sometimes you hated him for being such an ass in front of his friends

but then you think of the soft moments like when y’all cuddle and kiss and go on secret dates... you always forgive him in the end.

not too long later everything happened, you had the urge to make bread again.

and this time you wanted to bake one just for him!!!

also bc your first anniversary was coming up yo it should be cute and special right? :))

you didn’t tell him your plans and neither of you spoke about the special day.

you decide it was all gonna be a surprise.

when the day came, you got up extra early to make sure you made the perfect loaf.

you weren’t disappointed with your results!!! it looked and smelt amazing and hyunjin would love it

you took the earlier bus to get to school bc you were gonna wait outside the gym for him bc he had compulsory gym training.

thankfully you knew only hyunjin and woojin were gonna be at the session so you really only had to avoid one person

that was woojin

oof

poor woojin lol he was kinda happy to see u but you pretended to not hear him through your headphones

when hyunjin walked out, your heart dropped like 10-fold bc he had like 29475959 friends from his other classes with him

so you yell out his name and pass the well-wrapped loaf to him

he did that dick move where he smiled and halfassed a nod to you and continue walking with his friends

honestly.. honestly honestly.. you were a bit like :/

only because he seemed indifferent to see you and stuff

but like ok whatever at least he took it

but you also had another present for him which was a card and letter you spent a lot of time on

so you push past his friends to walk beside him ask if y’all could perhaps talk

“we’re talking now, aren’t we?”

:<

and his friend who you weren’t familiar with butts in right there and goes all “ooo another suitor?? another girlfriend?? damnnn.. hwang hyunjin you dAWG”

a..another girlfriend..?

you didn’t even have time to process what he said bc that “friend” clapped hyunjin’s shoulder

and

and he dropped the loaf

y’all watched as it rolled down the stairs and the wrapping tore in half so the loaf tumbled out onto the dirty corridor floor

his friends started laughing and someone at the bottom of the staircase kicked the loaf around like a soccer ball

you look at hyunjin and he was laughing along with his friends??? ??

you ripped the letter you wrote into pieces and threw it at his face

and he looked at you in shock and surprise but

you left immediately

lowkey bumped into woojin on the way to class

but you left him in the dust because you just felt so so so humiliated and hurt

it was lunchtime

seungmin and felix were a bit confused as to why you walked straight past their table to sit with your other friends

hyunjin was still confused poor baby actually completely forgot about your anniversary so he thought you made another bet to make bread

you had history class with him after lunch, but you moved to the front of the classroom

which is somewhere he would never sit.

he kept throwing pieces of paper at you to ask why you were all the way at the front

even got some people to pass notes to you

all of which you ignored

:<

it took him until last period to figure out why you were giving him the cold shoulder

he was sitting in physical education class — watching some documentary about dance or smth

and obvs his headass wasnt paying the slightest bit attention to the film but he was thinking of you instead

and why you wore a permanent frown since the start of the day

while thinking of you he suddenly realised the date

then all the events of the day rushed into his mind all at once - from you waiting outside the gym, to the loaf incident, to your expression as you blind sided him and the boys the entire day

without asking for permission he ran out of class and straight to your chemistry class where y’all were doing filtration tests

and he stormed into the lab, spotting you immediately

you were working with minho, your lab partner, in the far corner, and y’all were giggling over a joke or smth but as soon as you saw hyunjin you turned away immediately

and it really broke his heart because he knew he was the reason why you were so uncomfortable

by then, the entire class was asking hyunjin why he was there

but all he could see was you trying to exit out the back

and he had no idea what came over him

but the entire class started screaming (esp minho) when he ran up to you and hugged you tightly

obvs like you were still mad at him so you knee-d him lol

and the entire class continued screaming (esp minho) as you pushed him out of the classroom and shut the door on him

needless to say the rest of the lab session was Super Awkward and minho tried not to make eye contact with you

(in case he gets knee-d too right)

by the end of the day you still couldn’t get over how the entire day was ruined and you rushed home before the bell rang bc u just had enough and some alone time was much nneeded

when the doorbell rang after dinnertime you wanted to cry because you were the only one at home

and you had to answer it because what if it was something urgent

but

what if it was hyunjin... who you didn’t want to see...

it was hyunjin ofc

he was wearing his sports gear and it seem like he was just out for a run

you started to close the door but he did that cheesy thing where he pushed it open again

and before you could speak, he kneeled down

you panic for a moment

but he got himself together and apologised.

because he knew since day one how important anniversaries were to you and he really had no excuse for forgetting, and he realises how you much like crap you must’ve felt when his other gym friends made fun of you and your gift and he was so unforgivably sorry because he laughed with them

he really shouldn’t have

but he did because they were just a couple of dumb teenage guys who liked to joke around without a care in the world

you see that he was really struggling and stumbling over his words

and deep down you knew how much you meant to him and how scared he was of losing you

you pulled him up and hugged him because you didn’t want him to continue or else you’d start crying real hard

so you kissed him to finally shut him up

but you hadn’t forgiven him yet so he was still hesitant to return your kiss but you cupped his cheeks and bite his cute fat lips that were just a little fatter because you were squishing his cheeks

you tell him that you really really didn’t want to hide your relationship anymore and he nodded without hesitation and then you tell him you’d forgive him if he kissed you properly

he didn’t hesitate at all uwu

after a really long time hhh y’all finally parted to Breathe a lil... gosh

you stare at his lips and see them all swollen and rosy and it made you shy bc Girl you did That hhhh

and he’s looking at you in the same way bc yours were swollen too and y’all stand there holding onto each other for who knows how long but then he wanted to kiss you again and you wanted him to kiss you too so he did

by the time y’all pulled away Again y’all were breathing and laughing and crying and laughing and just feeling all the emotions at once

and he rested his forehead against yours and tells you he’ll make you a loaf of bread instead

and you cry just a bit harder which sends him off too

w-why is he such a baby :(

not that you were complaining though.. because he tells you that he’s really been a better version of himself since he met you

and all the worries and things that make you scared about relationships just seemed irrelevant

because you and him were in this together

and it was the best feeling ever.

[kaiba-fangirl]

Btw, turns out March 26th was just my mom's sister's birthday...

I really did get all worried for nothing. still srsly fuck all this shit tho To clarify btw, I’ve basically been over how I was treated for years now. I’m angry about how my family allowed themselves to be treated; how they still memorialized her, and how they still have what amounts to a shrine of her downstairs. Even though it’s next to impossible to think of a single genuinely good thing.

And to elaborate cuz I wanna rant... Way back during first Kairos in 2005 @17 when I said I "let go" of "it," I really did -- but that "it" was the personal stuff she said/did about/to *me* specifically. It was the final acceptance of mourning a relationship I used to think existed. Once I moved out in 2006 though, there's the things she used to say to my siblings about me. My lil bro never believed nor retained a word of it. But our lil sis, well, some things got stuck with her, but the only blame I will accept is the "leaving them [esp. my lil sis] with her." Sucks, but I had to. It's not that bad though. She just calls me "cold" sometimes and gets defensive over her. But all of that, is whatever. My lil sis really was her favorite anyway, & I never wanted them to hate her just for my sake. What I AM so angry about is 2008-2010. And then ESPECIALLY the funeral. I have since told my mom [& her mom & 1 of her sisters] the truth about this part, but as far as I know, my dad might still think I voluntarily changed my semester plans at the drop of a hat to be home more often for her. They may make sacrifices for people who hate them, but I won't. I did that because I saw him killing himself while he knew all along it would never be "enough" for her. And after that, just the rest of his life was going to be knowing it really was never enough. My mom is already always 200% booked to begin with. I saw it in her, too, when she got the news the cancer was back and knew life was about to become an even worse hell, that she was going to be relying on her more than ever, and how she tortured her even when she was well. My brother was still struggling in school & suddenly my mom couldn't help him at all. My sister was still put upon to do my mom's normal house things for the 2 days a week I was gone, & my old fave teacher of all time was torturing her in the meantime. (& well I suppose this also turned out to be a great distraction from my death-threatening exbf.) So as soon as my mom got off the phone, already crying, probably at least a little for the woman who hated her, I told her I was dropping down to the 2 easy classes [cuz of student loans, I couldn't just stop]. I would take up "being mommy" around the house the rest of the time, and the summer I would take off completely, so that she [a teacher] might still get somewhat of a break. I would drive her to radiation from then on, even if my dad was free, so that my dad did not have to be with her for at least an hour. SO WHO THE FUCK do you REALLY THINK I did all that for??? Yeah. Personally, I AM offended when anyone ever thinks different. That time was so hard and we were all destroying ourselves; but how could anyone think I was doing any of that for her? "She really does appreciate it, you know, what you’re doing for her.” I did it for you, ya fuckwit. Back when I thought you could still be saved. Whenever she took anything out on me, I was literally incapable of giving a single fuck even if I tried. Doctors would seem a lil confused at first when they tried to be sensitive with me and I was just like, ‘all I need are the papers, instructions, and any info I have to relay to my parents. please skip the pep talk.’ and just plain didn't acknowledge any emotion, even flat out ignored that they had ever said any sympathetic words. I did what I had to, what I was told, and not a single thing more, not a single thing less. And the funeral. A 2-week-long show of hiding anything I was thinking, and only being concerned with how people would perceive my every reaction, or lack thereof. That funeral & all was one of the weirdest experiences of my life. To watch the very moment a person died, and then be surrounded by all that, and not feel anything? Like, I thought I knew what “not feeling anything” or “to become numb” felt like before, but no, this was a brand new level of apathy, and freedom. I was way too aware of no change in heart rate, no change in anything, nothing special in the way of thoughts. And then for that to carry on for 2 weeks? Nothing. Except, maybe some pessimistic worry for the future over how this would fuck my sister up. I knew exactly what she had said to, said about, or done to each of the people there, and more. A lot of them didn't know. A lot excused her. A lot were there only for us, assuming we were all sad. None of them deserved any of it; she didn't deserve any of them. People chalked up my spaced-out boredom to bordering on catatonic, and how it “hadn’t really hit me yet,” assuming it would at some point over the next year, but I knew it wouldn’t, & it didn’t. There was nothing to hit me; I just felt better and better. That apathy wasn’t from a hole - it was the biggest most overshadowing weight of my life being lifted off. After 30 years of randomly accusing my mom of cheating, berating her to quit her job & get pregnant, then mocking a miscarriage, saying god didn't mean for her to have children so how dare she try to carry me, then continuing the emotional & psychological abuse with us, amongst other constant varied psychological & attempted financial abuse of my parents, threats, and a few physical instances... My mom did the eulogy. A nice one. My sister cried the whole time; all she had been was a cooperative blonde-haired-blue-eyed child. My dad was thrown into an existential crisis; where would he ever get approval from now? He lost his big brother when he was a teenager in a fast 6 months of leukemia, now both his parents were now dead, and his sister was sure to stay estranged. And don’t forget, what was it she used to say a lot? “The wrong son died.” A family friend hugged him and I heard her whisper, “You know she really did always love you.” ...yeah, how healthy does that mixture sound? My brother felt guilty for being out bowling when she actually died; all his life he'd heard the story of how my dad's sister dawdled and missed being present when their father died. Me? ...the mints were addictive, the food was free & gifted left and right, alcohol was abundantly provided, got to see some people I'd missed, and the time was excused to hang out and play games til 3 in the morning with friends. I didn't bother springing for a new outfit though; too much thought and work. During the repast, having a ball being drunk with my brother's friends, I actually forgot why we were there during a couple different moments.  But mostly the ceremonies were long and boring, and people exhausted me with... "condolences." First off, how dare you-- "Haha, no thank you." “Oh, keep them, please.” “Hm, save that for my dad maybe.” “Ahh, you have no idea...” So yeah, I don’t care. I’ve basically been over how I was treated for years now. I’m angry about how they allowed themselves to be treated, and to this day, still defend how she blatantly abused them all.

[dissmal]

2018 in Review

Highlights/Memories of 2018: 

Began the year dissecting mice cerebellum. Really enjoyed being with researchers and their passion for science.

Pulling an all nighter to make floor plan and then walking to MVR at 5am to catch the bus for the field trip and seeing deer along the way

Participating in my first pursuit! Drove to staples with maya for that last minute portfolio printing lol

My first trip with Eme! Providence was so cozy and relaxing even though it was cold and snowing.

Standing on the fire escape with Jon and Eme, Andre3000 in the background and watching the sunset

I got a lot closer to Bailey, Y, and Zach, from the triple dinner date to dinner at Agava, Ruloff’s etc, a lot of crazy Zach car rides and visiting his apt in the summer etc.

Watching Microhabitat and Coda at Lincoln center, lying on the grass and looking up at the sky, watching the fountain spray so high 

Watching Zhou Quan’s End of Summer with my parents. First time watching a movie together since middle school. Also going to Cooper Hewitt with my parents and eating pizza afterward

Recording the sound of waves by edge of the water and then walking to the F train

Going to Jack’s exhibit, sharing peach IZZEs and fruit, and lying on the bench by IKEA 

Going into ORs and literally knowing every part of an 18 floor hospital

Biking through the streets of Copenhagen and feeling the wind whip my hair

Visiting Boston, staying with Jon’s family, getting to meet Mason, and going to the jazz bar with and Maker Faire.

First Applefest wth crumbling hot cider donuts and brussel sprouts

Crying in front of Rhonda when she asked me if I was okay

Karaoke and lychee soju for my birthday 

Medium memories: first RAW expo, medium friendsgiving at Emily Lin’s house and playing jackbox, hangout at my apt with Thai food

Meeting up with my high school friends. Being with Will and Eric on Coney Island, Gov Ball with Hayoung, and Rebecca at Lincoln Center etc. So happy to keep in touch with these wonderful people.

Going to buy cassettes from the commons and cuddling on the couch to watch Elf

Walking through my cousin’s neighborhood and having our first real conversation in a long time

My grandpa teaching me how to use the old sewing machine

This Year I Have: 

Chosen a career path. I’m done with premed. 

Became an American citizen

Finally got my driver’s license, turned 21 and ordered drinks legally!

Fallen in love with someone who truly makes me so happy. I love him more with every passing day and I’m so grateful to have him in my life as my design partner and lover.

Also got a lot closer to Yiwen since we have so many classes together and we’re always late together LOL

Created my first exhibition

Participated in so many competitions (8x8x8 // CCA // LUX // Healthcare Innovation // Contract Healthcare Environments // Aging Innovation // Boeing Innovation) 

Got honorable mention for my first solo competition

Created my own project team and led meetings 

Smoked weed for the first time

Learned how to make a website

Finally joined chorale and sang my first concert at Cornell 

Traveled the most out of any year (Providence, Copenhagen, Boston, Tokyo, Fuzhou, Beijing)

Watched a lot of movies?! (2049, Coco, Lady Bird, Get Out, Lord of the Rings, Isle of Dogs, The Terminal, Microhabitat, Coda, End of Summer, Elf, Inside Out)

Fucked in places I shouldn’t have LOL (4th floor studio // woodshop // gallery)

Explored music concerts! (Wynton Marsalis // Gov Ball // Louis Futon) 

Gotten to know Jon’s friends (Ellis, Greg, Steav, Xuelong) and his parents

Finally cut my hair short! 21 is not the year to be shy.

My Goals for 2019: 

Exercise! And actually do it consistently. Pick up going to badminton again, at least once a month. 

Explore the world more - frequent art museums and music venues and hopefully more traveling 

Obtain fabrication skills

Learn arduino by the end of this year

Create my first piece with a sewing machine

Land a design internship

Start my senior thesis 

Learn how to drive on the freeway

Want to make more an effort to bond with my team members and medium as a whole, and AAIV

Spend more time hanging out with my parents like watching a movie and also more time with my grandma. 

Live more sustainably by adopting new practices: 

No plastic bags

No disposable utensils; carry your own utensils

Buy less clothing and own less clothing, and clothes that you do buy should be long lasting

Eat less meat 

Put more effort into my relationship with Jonathan esp now that we’re apart and make more time dedicated to just being together rather than working

2018 has been an absolutely incredible year and I can’t believe that I packed as much as did into 365 days. I achieved so much in design and so much academically. However, this came at a cost and I had some low moments this year also when I simply broke down crying from stress. I’ve also lost sight of myself in some ways. Exercise, sleep, time to relax etc - everything was sacrificed for my design projects. And in a lot of ways I may have been too hard on myself. I wanted everything to be perfect and I didn’t want to make a single mistake whether academically or in my personal life. But perhaps a 78 on a project is not worth crying over and perhaps you don’t need to be so hard on yourself when you do something wrong in your relationship- as long as you realize and try to improve.

This year I’ve had so many experiences that are worth remembering forever and it was a lot of fun even though there was so much work. I love being with people whether that’s at a concert or just a nice dinner, I hope I can make more time for the people I love and allow for more spontaneity in my life. I’ve also done more for my community this year through medium and I hope that next year, I can continue to bond with my team and finally find a group of friends at Cornell that I truly click with. 

So here’s to 2019, hopefully another year full of design, and experiences that I will cherish forever with the people I love.

[aeroknot]

@yellowflasher​ said: tell me abt this show bc i have been thinking of watching it

ahhhhh!! i’m so glad you asked me to talk about this show!! haha

as usual I’m a fucking insufferable, over-talkative spaz!!!

ummmmm ok!! it’s kinda like... Jessica Jones mixed with Tombstone mixed with Grimm?? and X-files as far as Monster of the Week and agents who pine for each other goes? & i’ve seen peeps compare it to Supernatural but I never watched that so... SHRUG. 

so the premise is that our wonderfully complex anti-hero chick wynonna earp returns to her hometown of Purgatory (somewhere in the U.S. near Canada; I personally think Montana because it’s the most western state bordering Canada (in the first ep Wynonna asks a fellow bus passenger “your first time out west?”) that’s not Washington or Idaho, bc neither of those seem like its setting esp. since Idaho is just a sliver of the whole border, tho it could be North Dakota or Minnesota I guess?--  EH it’s kind of not been touched on as far as I know and anyway it doesn’t matter shut up aero just---). she is the great-great grandaughter of wyatt earp, the righteous 19th century wild west u.s. marshal raining down hellfire on USDA grade A Assholes. but then he’s cursed!! and his kills are actually cursed in hellfire!! even if they’re killed, they resurrect from hell the next time a new heir turns 27 if not all of them have been defeated, and they’re demons trapped within the borders of Purgatory (har har go figure), or in the show’s terms, also called Revenants. earp had a renown 77 kills, and the only way to break the curse is for his heirs to hunt down and shoot all 77 kills before the heir dies-- the heirs have the power to wield his mystical gun Peacemaker which sends Revenants back to hell. wynonna is our fantastically loveable resistant heroine because she was never meant to be the heir-- her older sister, the firstborn, was supposed to be, but shit went down (which got her ostracized and locked up in psychological institutions) and now she is the heir. and I’ll move on from synopsis to opinions because I don’t want to start spoiling anything and the show should just speak for itself!

reasons I’ve enjoyed it!!!:

Wynonna Fucking Earp. early on I described her as a “slightly perkier” Jessica Jones. That was wrong-- in the SLIGHTEST part. she is a WAY WAY PERKIER Jessica Jones. and I fucking cannot get enough of it. Like... Dark-haired leather-jacket-wearing harrowed-past-having orphaned-and-outcasted-as-children anti-heroes are mostly typically supposed to be deadpan, snarky, grumpy, sexily standoffish, and often secretive and hard to read, and only rarely invested in others. And she is that, often, yet SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. She is: GOOFY!! CRASS!! EMBARRASSING!! PLAYFUL!!!! She smiles a lot!!! She celebrates victories! She cracks jokes! She expresses her desires upfront and unabashedly, and without games! She is emotionally vulnerable with loved ones and friends and grows even more in this throughout! She actually asks people for support and comfort!! & She busts balls endearingly! She’s courageous and helpful! She’s brash and brazen--and yeah, this gets her scolded by others, but rarely does it feel like she’s punished for her impulsive heroics by her writers, as I often feel (male) writers of female heroes (or usually side-heroes) tend to do (probably she’s not punished because mostly women are writing this story, gee isn’t that weird? hah). There’s consequences, yeah, but it usually works out and she’s still the hero ultimately. She’s basically the plucky hero wrapped in anti-hero fodder, and I have completely fallen for her. She makes me laugh so much with her dialogue and makes me feel represented with how WEIRD she ultimately gets to be. Plus, she is emotionally vulnerable almost every episode, and her sister even succinctly chides her with “for a lone wolf, you sure are needy.”

getting to that, HER SISTER!!! Waverly is amazeballs. I think she even used the term amazeballs in an episode, recently-- she’s that amazeballs. She’s still growing a lot, but she’s definitely quintessential underdog baby sister, and I’m here for it, because she’s also reinforced as an integral part of the story and gets her own romance even before Wynonna and it’s so wonderful. Waverly constantly has a new skill or tidbit of information up her sleeve-- she’s inventive, thorough, super super damn nerdy, and also social and kind and popular. Plus, she’s with Nicole Haught (and I just cannot get over the playfulness of some of these names in the story, lmao) and they’re just fantastic together and I’m so happy to see them together every time. So far it’s good lesbian content. My face honest to god always cracks into a smile when they’re together. also um!! i want her entire wardrobe!! 

The Earp Sisters are just... Their sisterhood is so rich and complex and SATISFYING. Like I actually feel like I’m watching REAL SISTERS. They are gross and raunchy with each other, and I laugh so hard. They are sweet and supportive to each other and I cry. They are competitive and jealous and conflicted with each other, and I’m relieved to see this-- to see all these layers to them. It’s great writing and acting for a sister bond and I’m just excited to see sisterhood being such an integral theme for a t.v. show. 

the SYFY effects are sometimes silly but I still enjoy it. the ENTIRE CONCEPT is actually pretty silly and sometimes goes cheesy, even, but I still am endeared by its approach just the same. The storyline itself is... often confusing me, and I LIKE that, believe it or not. I don’t mean “confusing” as in the plot doesn’t make sense-- it does-- I mean “confusing” in the sense that it’s, hm, how should I say... I guess kind of disjointed? There’s always a Random Revelation thrown in suddenly, or weird Twist that literally had NO foreshadowing, and often it seems like the story progresses with big chunks of time in between episodes which can be hard to place and pace the action and relationship developments... Usually I’d probably nitpick all this, but actually, it keeps me very transfixed because usually I can completely predict what will happen next due to a show’s use of foreshadowing, but this show often completely bypasses such a dance with the audience, and though I sometimes question if that’s effective storytelling, I honestly think I’m really starting to respect this method, and so I want to stick around for it. I could probably go into way more detail with this, but then I might start spoiling things, so I’ll leave it at that. Someone who constantly predicts the “reveals” in a show, even at an episode-by-episode pace, gives this a seal of approval!! Nothing “revealed” is particularly earthshattering and it’s often given away in such a matter-of-fact tone, but it propels the story in interesting ways without a ton of hoopla in trying to ever pull one over its audience, and I like and respect that. They’re like “oh fuck! This weird idea we had is A Thing now. Let’s explore that more together, viewers!!”

(I will say some of the deaths are not as effective as I think they could be because of the above evaluation of the approach to plot/pacing/twists/reveals, but I’m still interested in those choices. brings me to a legit critique tho: they should uh... stop killing so many Cool Women right after immediately introducing them. It’s starting to worry me. :\ but also...? I’m trusting? I think? still? anywho!)

I’m a Tombstone-loving Fuck and Doc Holliday is one of my favorite real-person enigmas of history and this Doc Holliday incarnation is supremely gratifying. He is consistently entertaining and intriguing!

I was initially all in for Holliday and THEN FUCKING DEPUTY MARSHAL XAVIER DOLLS CAME FOR MY WHOLE HEART. Go! Look at his special eyes! Look at his HEART EYES at my DAUGHTER WYNONNA. He has my whole approval. I’ll buy the ring for him. I’ll plan the proposal. DO IT.

-- ok aside from my shipping bullshittery also Dolls is just. An amazing guy. I love him. He’s a boss in so many senses of the word, and he constantly surprises me. I feel like he’s... A Capital-A Adult? You know? He’s mature, and methodical, and clever, and talented, and confident. It’s funny to me that he’s called “the stick in the mud” and yet through small tidbits we see he’s really not (he can be playful or perverted, too), he’s just Grown. A Man. Focused, with an Agenda and a Goal. It’s lovely to see him come out of his shell a bit and be cheeky and then at the end of S1 just like... OPENLY ADORE the people he’s around. But it’s also a breath of fresh air somehow to see An Adult Man. I don’t know, maybe it’s what the actors bring, too, because both Doc and Dolls really just strike me as assured individuals, each of them just really secure in their sense of identity, which makes them GREAT foils to Wynonna, and it’s just fabulous, really. I like adulthood being given this reverence and care. It makes someone like me, hedging out of her twenties, feel a little bit more like there’s still a space in media and storytelling for people over 35. lmao. (and admittedly 35 is still fucking young, but Hollywood would have us believe it’s time to go out to pasture at this age)

and on that note DOC HOLLIDAY AND DOLLS TOGETHER. I JUST. *clenches fist* THEY’RE SO GREAT. AND WITH WYNONNA I JUST. It IS A LOVE TRIANGLE, in the barest evaluation, yes. And I prefer Dolls with Wynonna, yes, and usually I, yes, Fucking Can’t Stand Triangles, but the way these writers are approaching this has me fucking bowing down to them. I am really enjoying the way they’re taking this so far. I laughed to myself the other day because the realization suddenly dawned on me like “oh.... Fucking Anciently Old Immortal Pale Guy + Mystically Endowed Outcast Brunette Girl + Man of Color With a Secretive Monster Backstory” is fucking..... Twilight. This is Twilight. If it had a Wild West spin and was written, you know, WELL, and the characters were a thousand times more interesting. Is Emily Andras trying to come for Stephanie Meyers? MAYHAPS. 

I’m gonna give some rapid fire thoughts to wind down: GREAT MUSIC SELECTIONS, fun shootouts!!, LESBIANS!!! <33333, mostly interesting villains, good cinematography, action!, mystery!, HUMOR!!! THAT DIALOGUE!!!! WRITE ALL MY LIFE AND INTERACTIONS W/ OTHERS W.EARP WRITERS!! 

I could go on and on which is in my fucking nature I’m so goddamn sorry look at this pit you’ve opened but ultimately my answer is: It is so fucking fun. It is a Delight! A DELIGHT I TELL YOU. I get joy from this; I laugh, I’m entertained, my brain thinks hard but not too hard, the characters have infiltrated my heart so damn quickly. DELIGHT. I’m so sad I’ve caught up but also I fucking bought a Season Pass on Amazon prime for s2 so even though I don’t live with cable anymore, I’MMA BE ON THIS.

[baesketballers]

Part 2 of Takao's fem best friend's unrequited love please?? An extra req, if you're gonna do a time skip, can you pls not make it longer than two months? I'd like those emotions to be raw, esp right after Takao knows of her feelings ^^ Thank you!

Anonymous said:Takao anon here! Yes, I’m the original anon who requested the first scenario. Um, honestly, I can’t think of any general plot for this 2nd one; all I actually want is a continuation of the 1st scenario, with more angst before the happy ending~ and yep, I want Takao to return his best friend’s feelings! ^^ So aside from the 2-month specified time, angst+happy ending, and Takao returning (maybe realizing his hidden feelings for her?) that love, like you said, I allow you to do whatever you want. 

I hope you’re not mad at me for delaying thisfor so long! I honestly don’t know how to feel about this, but here it is, I really hope it’s satisfactory. Since you like the feelings raw, I didn’t put a timeskip. Thank you for your patience!

This is a continuation to this story here. You are heavily suggested to proceed onlyafter reading the first part. Female!Reader ahead for consistency. 

It Was Always You by Maroon 5

Stupid stupid stupid stupid, he thinks, hands balled into fists at how completely idiotiche is. He should’ve just straightaway ran to your house instead of asking yourfriends, waiting for them to pick the phone up to ask them where you were, ifyou were partying with them—that way, he could’ve caught you before it gotdark. Although he’s close to your family as your best friend, how is hesupposed to knock on the door to your home at nearly midnight? 

What is he going to say if your parents openthe front door?

What is he going tosay if you are the one whoopens the door?

Takao sighs, unbuttoning the top few buttonsof his dress shirt and loosening his tie. His hair sticks on his face fromsweat, but in contrast to his slightly ragged breath and the sensation of thecold air against his damp skin, his mind is numb. 

He can see your bedroom window from here. It’sdark. You’re probably asleep. The idea of throwing rocks at your window isquickly discarded—you most likely don’t want to look at him in the face again.

The glare of his phone catches his eye andtells him that his girlfriend is looking for him: ten missed calls and a coupledozen of texts, gradually changing tone from sweet questions of where he’s atto a storm of textual rage. He turns off the device—she’s the least of hisconcerns right now. Takao sits on your empty porch with empty eyes and a rabbitheart as his mind flashes him images of the last few times he hung out withyou.

When he can only recall conversations abouthis relationship and that forced smile on your face, he curses. 

“You’re a fucking idiot,” he says to himself,feeling as if his heart is in the fist of a phantom hand, painfully clenchingthe organ. 

The two of you don’teven talk to each other these days—at least nothing of substance like yourusual deep or humorous exchanges. Since the end of his second year in Shuutoku,which is around the time he found his “soulmate” (Takao swallows bitternessat the word—how did he have the gall to use it so lightly?), the conversations heshared with you were shallow banter with him mostly talking about hisgirlfriend and you having to listen. He’d ask for relationship advice, what agirl likes, where to take her on dates. 

You were probably forcing laughter, fakingsmiles, crying yourself to sleep when you’re alone.

Takao let out a sigh,running a hand through his hair. The night is dark and quiet save for theoccasional gust of wind and sounds of crickets singing between the grass, buthis mind is loud and disorganized: a mix of realization, question, andself-deprecation. The way you looked at him when he talks, how other peopleseem to let their gazes linger on you and him—everybody knew, even Midorima noticed, for heaven’s sake. How could hemiss the signs? How could he be so blinded, even when he was the one that toldyou “nothing is going to change” when he got a girlfriend?

If only he could goback in time and punch himself in the face for saying that to you. It obviouslyturned out to be a lie, no matter how he didn’t mean it to be one. He didn’tjust replace you, he made you suffer by putting it in your face for at leastone year and you say a single word against it.

He blinks, and a tear slowly makes its waydown his cheek. It takes a moment for Takao to realize that he’s crying, butwhen he does, a wave of thoughts darker than the sky he’s under flood his mind:there’s no way you don’t hate him right now, not when he’s caused you nothingbut pain for a long time. That’s why you didn’t talk to him after thegraduation ceremony, that’s why you’ve been rejecting his offers to lunchtogether, that’s why you’ve been oddly quiet whenever the two of you hungout. 

He remembers the big game Shuutoku won and howhe doesn’t recall you congratulating him. It must’ve been since then. Hemust’ve hurt you so much without realizing, like the Prince in The LittleMermaid and how he asked her to dance the night away, not knowing of the swordsshe feels like she’s stepping on. And like the Prince, too, he discarded herfor another, despite the sacrifices she has made and the pain she must endure.

Then, he thinks about what will happen next.His apology won’t be enough, not after what you’ve been through. You’ll grow todespise him, cutting him off from your life like removing a parasiticinfection—that’s what he’s been anyway, sucking the life and love out of you.You won’t look at him in the face again when you pass by each other on thestreet. He might have his girlfriend in one arm, but the thought of him notbeing in your life coils a rope in his chest.

And when he thinks of you having anotherperson by your side, someone who shares kisses with you, someone who gets tomake you smile and laugh, the only one who is allowed to hold you in theirarms—and that someone is not him…

Takao feels like he’s been physically hurt,but there are no wounds on his skin to show.

He spends the rest of the night punishinghimself in the chest with these thoughts sharp as blade, bleeding tears intothe night until he’s too tired to stay awake.

You wake up the next morning with puffy redeyes, gauging that it is approaching afternoon by the strong sunlight thatenters your bedroom. The weight of your heavy heart is somewhat diminished, notonly by the fact that you cried your eyes out the night before, but also by thefaint feeling of hunger. After brushing your teeth and a brisk shower, youchange into clean T-shirt and shorts, not bothering to conceal your swolleneyes since you’re staying at home for the rest of the day.

Your parents should already be away for workat this time of the day, leaving you alone in your house. Your assumptions areconfirmed when you walk downstairs to find silence—even the television isoff. 

So when you enter the kitchen to find Takao,sitting with a plate of half-eaten toast in front of him, you gasp as if you’veseen a ghost.

He does look ghastly, his paler face contrastingto the marks under his eyes. He shows signs of surprise as well when he seesyou, which quickly dissolves into hesitance. He’s here with the full intentionof talking to you, apologizing, telling you how stupid he was and how herealizes he doesn’t want a life without you—

—you don’t evenknow he knows.

“Takao-kun…?”  

“__________-chan,” hesays with a start—weird since he’s the one barging in your house. He realizesyour swollen eyes and remembers that he spent the night crying too, but he canonly hope that you don’t notice.

“What are you—how didyou get it?” You look at the front door and back at him again, positive thatthe entrance is properly locked.

“Your parents let mein,” he answers, “I came here in the morning.” Takao still can see your mother’sreaction when she finds him sleeping on a chair as she checks the porch everymorning. She was surprised more than anything, but she didn’t ask when he saidhe has something very important to say to you.

Maybe she knows, andfrom the way your father glanced at him before offering him breakfast, Takaothinks he knows too. Have you been so upset that your parents notice what’sgoing on, though you’re not the type to tell them? Did they mention his nameduring a family dinner, and all of a sudden you just got quiet, like when hementions his girlfriend’s name? Did they hear your sounds of sobbing across thehallway at night?

“Oh,” you answerdumbly, making a sandwich for yourself as you face the kitchen counter. You don’twant him looking at you, not when you’re like this: vulnerable and unprepared. “Whatbrings you here today?”

“I—you—” he trips onhis own words, “__________-chan, we need to talk.”

Fear overcomes you fora split second at the seriousness of his tone. Takao has rarely used it in hisconversations with you, but after knowing him for so long, you can tell. Hemeans business.

“What about?” You ask,putting a slice of cheese on toast before busying your hands with something,anything. You don’t want to talk to him.

“__________-chan, lookat me.”

You freeze for amoment and hope he doesn’t notice, but Takao does not hold the nickname HawkEye for nothing. You slowly turn to him, looking at him in the eye, keeping yourdefences up with whatever dignity you have left in you.

In front of you standsthe boy who you had your heart in his hands, and instead of looking powerfuland confident, he’s not much better than you are. For a second you are temptedto throw in a joke about his face—he must’ve partied so hard and the hangoverstill hasn’t subsided, but you know the humorous attempt is merely a cover-upof the truth.

“__________-chan,” hecalls your name again, softer this time as if reminiscing a memory, “do you… like me?”

At that point,thoughts of lying to him, telling him that of course you do—you’re not bestfriends if you don’t, are thrown out the window. There’s no use for sugar-coatingand false masks anymore. Your grip to whatever leash that has been keeping yoursanity together loosens, and tears begin to pool in your eyes as fast as hemade you fall in love with him, breaking the dam.

You defy his orders,looking down to the floor and covering your face with both hands. Takao’s eyeswiden only a fraction before he feels a pang in his heart. He knows you don’tusually cry in front of people, that you prefer to let loose when you are alonein your room—the fact that you’re openly crying in the kitchen with the causeof your pain right in front of you is proof that he made you go through a lot.

He feels like he’ssuffocating.

“I’m sorry,” you sob, “I—Itried not to… I thought—”

He places a comfortinghand on your shoulder, attempting to pull you into a hug, but when you flinchand freeze before taking a step back, another portion of his heart breaks. Youinhale deeply yet shakily, cupping your hand over your mouth as if it stops thesobbing somehow.

“It’s okay,” you say, asudden calm overcoming you and his eyebrows crinkle in confusion. “I, we’re notgoing to the same university, s-so we won’t see each other as much,” youcontinue, cursing inwardly at your shaky voice when you see Takao’s expression.

“I’ll—I’ll stay out ofyour way!” It comes out as a suggestion, but it’s like his heart is about toburst in the phantom hand’s tight grip.

“I promise not to getin the way of your relationship.” He swallows, scenes of not seeing you everagain playing in his mind, and his mouth feels dry and bitter.

“I didn’t want you toknow in the first place. Just please… pretend you don’t know.” His stomachsinks at the request.

“I’ll be fine,” yousay, but it feels as if you’re trying to convince yourself, “I’ll be okay.”

That’s when he snaps,pulling you into a hug so tight you’re encased by his whole body. The desperationin his hands as he cups the back of your head says he’s afraid that you’ll slipthrough him like sand. Pressed against his chest like this, you feel his rapidheartbeat and warmth, and the tears you have been trying so hard to supress makestheir way down your cheek, seeping into the material of his shirt.

“No, don’t, please,”he tells you, exhaling shakily, “I was—if I let you go now you’ll run away, andI spent the whole night thinking about what would happen and I,” he swallows, “Ireally can’t imagine not having you with me.”

“Then what?” You cry,pushing at his chest in anger to put distance between you. “You want me tostick around and ‘stand by you’ while you’re with your girlfriend? I’ve done thatfor the past year!” Your voice breaks with the gradually rising volume,evidence of how hard you cried the night before. “I don’t want to go throughthat anymore. I’ve had enough.”

The room falls intosilence as Takao looks at you while you quietly lower your eyes down to thefloor. Thoughts run a thousand miles an hour in your head: if Takao only lovesyou as much as a friend does, there’s no point in having this conversationanymore—at least not until you move on. You must cut all ties with him, startanew, and fall in love again to be ready to face him.

“You hate me now, don’tyou?” He asks.

Even the words stinghis tongue when he says them.

This time you look himin the eyes as you give him your answer.

“I wish I could,” youwhisper, “that would make things so much easier.”

And like a meteorcolliding with Earth, there is realization and clarity, like the smoke iscleared out of his mind. When he pulls you by the arm and crashes his lips ontoyours in a desperate kiss, it feels as if everything makes sense—it’s right, and he has never felt nothing asperfect as this before.

Your eyes widen at theforeign sensation. You’ve never expected this to happen, never in your wildestdreams—at least not after you’ve discarded them. You feel tears well again inyour eyes for the umpteenth time in the past twenty-four hours, because how canyou not cry while he’s kissing you and you’re already giving up on him? Anyform of resistance you can come up with is futile: your push isn’t as strongand your fists are instead bringing him closer, the way you try to pull awaybut always responding when he chases you.

Inside, you figurethat there is still a bit of hope that he would return your feelings.

Takao’s kiss is deep,passionate, desperate. It’s more emotional than your previous conversationcombined, it tells you everything you need to know about him and him you: thathe is certainly not willing to let you go or run away, and that a small part ofyou hasn’t lost your wish of being with him despite what you try to tellyourself.

“I’m sorry,” he saysin between kisses, “I’ll make it up to you, I promise, just give me the chanceto.”

You gasp his name andhe moans against your lips, kissing until the fire in his gut slowly turns intoan ember, and by then he’s peppering slow kisses around your face in silentadmiration and affection.

“What about yourgirlfriend?” You ask quietly. You really wish that you can skip this part, buthe’s technically still in a relationship with someone else. Takao sighs,fishing out his phone and turning it on. The two of you stare until the blankscreen lights up, and after a few seconds you can see notifications flooding inhis phone, her name glaring in pixels. You spot snippets of the long sentencesshe sent to him, cuss words and spelling errors that turns out to be acontinuation of what he received the night before.

“It’s clear that she’supset of me ditching the party last night,” Takao scoffs a bit at that, “butwho cares? She most likely found somebody else to grind with on the dance floorif she has the gall to diss me like that.”

“That’s horrible,” yousay, eyebrows scrunching lightly with discomfort.

Takao places thedevice on the kitchen counter, paying absolutely no attention to it before hemoves in to kiss you softly on the lips. When you pull away, it’s slow andunwilling, like you want it to last forever, but the need for air makes suchwish impossible. His eyes are lidded, looking at you with an expression you can’texactly decipher. You’ve never seen this look on his face before—somethingtells you that you’ll see more of this side of him in the future.

“I can’t believe it’syou all along,” he whispers, kissing you one more time. You reciprocate withequally, closing your eyes as you allow yourself to sink in the feeling of himwrapped around your senses. He smiles into the kiss.

“We’ve got a lot of talkingto do.”

[serenagaywaterford]

14) possible. Huge mistake, imo" Yeah. The show is already dragging. If they keep this up, the series will eventually lose a lot of its charm and meaning. e) "So, without June around I feel like Serena will just go back to old ways. Which is ridic cos she is an intelligent, powerful woman when she actually has the balls." Indeed. It's like Gilead has taken its toll on her and reduced her to a coward. Pre-Gilead Serena was a firecracker, even if she was fighting on the wrong side (that sounded

15) manichaeistic, but you know what I mean). For the record, I do believe they’ll give her some sort of redemption at some point. I’m just a little pessimistic. How are they gonna sell it as plausible and organic after 2x10? We’ll see, I guess. f) “It was just such a prime example of exactly how they maintain power in Gilead and how they managed to get it working: estranging women from each other.” SO. MUCH. GOLD. Suffice it to say, I really liked that June confronted Fred, after she didn’t

16) manage to get through Serena’s walls (and pride).And don’t get me started on that white rose. Every single flower has a special meaning/symbolism on this show and given that the garden is the only thing left to Serena at this point (kudos for admitting that knitting sucks, Serena, I’m 100% with you on that LMAO)… Word though. That music box and the flower were certainly nice gifts (small steps are better than none), but I still think that Serena could have done better. If she could get rid

17) of Cushing that easily, she could have let June see Hannah. That would have been an EXCELLENT way to express her gratitude/show her kindness, but alas. As for June’s excitement with the gifts? I smiled, I couldn’t help it. But I also felt a little sad for her. She’s so used to Serena abusing her and treating her like a baby machine (instead of an actual person), that such a little kindness makes her happy af. It really astonishes me how empathic June is with Serena (funny aka not funny at

18) all how that same empathy doesn’t extend to Fred) in the finale, even after the 2x10 incident. She’s certainly got some Stockholm Syndrome going on, but it’s also not that simple? There’s the codependency (fuck you Fred), the intellectual compatibility (writer/editor), the fact they’re both victims of Gilead now and that they both didn’t try to burst their own personal bubbles when it mattered (pre-Gilead). Holly tried to wake June up of course, because things were looking grim, but June

19) ignored her. Damn, I could go and on about this toxic yet fascinating duo, but I’ll restrain myself.

———-

[I had to look up what manichaeistic means, and now I’ve learnt a new word! :D Also, yes, I totally get what you mean.] Firecracker is a good word. I feel like she’s one of those people who is super enthusiastic about ideals, and thinks they’re great ideas, and then… learns the hard way and is killed by their own ideas. (Literally or metaphorically.) She’s so interesting to watch because her pre-Gilead persona was quite a bit different, just in a different way than the other women. Hers isn’t so much a physical cage (like Handmaids and Marthas are literal slaves) as a psychological one. 

I honestly don’t know how they think they’re going to convince the viewers that Serena even deserves any sort of redemption story. 2x10 was a serious nail in the coffin. The only way I can even see it working if Serena suffers A LOT, shows genuine remorse and understanding, AND if we see things from June’s POV who gives Serena a pass for every single horrible thing she does. Serena is like June’s blindspot. It’s mental. Like you said, June is shockingly empathetic with Serena who doesn’t deserve it at all. She just never seems to give up on her no matter what horrible shit she does. Like??? And, yes, there is clearly some Stockholm Syndrome thing going on but it seems to me anyway, that June is very forgiving (most cos she has to be to survive physically and mentally) and that she’s really fucking good at compartmentalizing. If I’m correct about that last one, it’s going to come back and bite her in the ass one day and there will be a breakdown. You can only stuff things away in little boxes for so long before it all falls down. I have to think the relationship (whatever it is, antagonistic or cooperative) is so much more complex. 

I think to some degree, June sees Serena for what (a loser) she is and that is very scary for Serena, but for June it allows her to empathise a bit easier than most. I don’t think we as viewers even get many glimpses of Serena, just chilled out and herself as you would EXPECT a human being to be. One of those is 2x06 where I think the OG Serena comes thru esp the night fireside where Serena is like… a completely different person?? From the weird parroting of June’s slang, and probably one of the only times we actually see her smile authentically at feeling the baby move, to that weirdass attempt at bonding during that Handmaid party (wtf), she’s so socially awkward around women it’s unbelievable. (Maybe that’s the guilt when you’re faced with all these women your perfect society has enslaved!) But it’s like she really wants to make a connection for some reason. And then when June asks to see Hannah, and Serena just starts crying??? And we find out as she throws a plant pruning tantrum in her safe space lol it’s cos she thought her and June were actually becoming friends?????? LIKE. WHAT IS HAPPENING. What is this high school shit? That episode made it seem like Serena just really wants a girl friend and is pissed off cos she thinks June was only being nice to get close to her daughter –which duh. “I DID THESE WHOLE 3 NICE THINGS! WHY DOES SHE KEEP ASKING TO SEE HER KID? WHAT A DEVIOUS BITCH!!!!” (Clearly the other Wives aren’t real friends.) MAYBE, and I’m just throwing this out there, the best way to make friends is not kidnapping, enslaving, raping, and assaulting the girl you want to be your bestie lol??? Just a wild thought, Serena.

I’m not trying to woobiefy Serena, but when I watch that episode, it’s just such a different Serena than we’ve seen except in other glimpses (and usually those were just because Serena was directly getting something she wants), but in 2x06 she stays very consistent in it. And, incidentally, she doesn’t attack June at the end. She just runs off and sulks like a child. Then 2 episodes later, with Fred out of the picture, she’s back to wanting to be besties again, coming to June’s room and confiding in her and asking her advice and blah blah blah. It’s shit like that that make me wonder if that’s the side June relies on in order to be able to forgive Serena–for her own survival.

Maybe I give Serena way too much credit. That’s possible. She’s still an awful terrible person, but there may be a tiny sliver of humanity in there somewhere.

So if we see more of that Serena who doesn’t resort to violence every time something doesn’t go her way, and we view her thru June’s eyes rather than our own, perhaps they can finagle some sort of not-completely-bonkers redemption arc. But it’ll be really difficult imo.

ANYWAY. 

Yes, I thought those moments at Serena’s door and then going to Fred was brilliant. Like, you can see that June knows EXACTLY what is going on with Serena, and how disappointed and annoyed she is that Serena folded so easily, and now June’s on her own again so she has to go protect herself and kneel to the king to save herself.

I have mixed feelings about the music box. It’s so… trivial and stupid and juvenile on the one hand. It’s very symbolic on the other, even June sees it. The girl in the box. And then, when you consider that Serena likely has very little she can give to June in terms of physical objects (since basically Wives had to throw away everything) so she gave her her childhood music box which she was likely saving for her imaginary daughter. If you take it that way, it is meaningful. But that’s just fanwank really. And, it locks. That may mean nothing, but it may mean something. June has literally nothing else of her own that has any sort of privacy but Serena gives her a box AND the key to lock it. 

Honestly, lol, when I first watched 2x08 and Serena is like, “I won’t forget your help”, I turned to my friend and was like, “Was that a threat?” Like you just can’t tell sometimes with Serena. I was relieved when it wasn’t in fact a threat lol.

I agree SO HARD about the flower/music box gift in 2x08 though. Like, c’mon. Firstly, bitch, you’re recycling gifts now? You’re just giving her BACK something you took away to punish her. And a flower, which will die. With all her connections, she easily could have given June something about Hannah, either a visit or a photo or a drawing or SOMETHING. This is something I still don’t get about Serena: why she is SO FUCKING OPPOSED to letting June have anything to do with Hannah? Maybe you have a theory? It’s one of those things I don’t get. Is it cos she’s jealous June has a child and she doesn’t? Is it just a power play thing? WHAT THE HELL IS HER PROBLEM WITH JUNE AND HANNAH? Like, she easily could have June eating out of her hand if she arranged a visit(or two) with Hannah. Instead, she throws temper tantrums any time June brings up Hannah. IDGI. Sigh.

And yeah, if you really want to show June your gratitude, it takes more than a fucking child’s toy. And ITA. The saddest part was how happy June was just to have that box. She was literally hugging it like a child and it broke my heart. Like, that’s what she’s been reduced to by Gilead, and the Waterfords. 

(Side note: I feel like June is one of the worst treated Handmaids on a daily basis? Like, sure, Naomi doesn’t like Janine but they have a much nicer house, gorgeous room, she gets ice-cream, etc. Janine fucking BIT Naomi to the point she bled, and she doesn’t appear to be punished for it at all! Can you imagine if June bit Serena? All hell would break loose. There’s that Wife that feels for Emily and tries not to do Ceremonies, and she plays with the dog and stuff. And I don’t know how bad/good it was for Lilly, but she said she preferred it over her previous life. Meanwhile June’s trapped in the dark, musty attic and Serena insists on making her life extra-miserable every chance she gets, including not even allowing June to wean Nicole (intentionally).)

And despite that, June is still like, “Well, Serena deserves my kindness.” WHAT. June is a much better person than I would be. Then again, I can’t help thinking at least in the finale, that June felt a little guilt. Serena never would have lost a finger if she hadn’t pushed her to do it. BUT THAT’S MOTHERHOOD. Sacrifice not for yourself (like Serena does), but yourself for your children. I read some interview where the showrunners were saying the main line through S2 was June teaching Serena how to be a mother. And that really didn’t make sense to me for a while. And it really solidified June’s pure, unabated hatred for Fred. As if slapping him wasn’t hint enough, she leaves Serena’s room after comforting her, and confronts Fred about it. If I was Fred, I’d be even more concerned then than when I found the rose tbh. If June is willing to come after Fred directly after he had his own wife maimed, in defense of said wife, that’s some bond right there. But then, June doesn’t seem to give a fuck about Fred at all and isn’t scared of him at all. Which, is smart in a way, cos he’s so grossly obsessed with her that she can get away with virtually anything. 

“There’s the codependency (fuck you Fred), the intellectual compatibility (writer/editor), the fact they’re both victims of Gilead now and that they both didn’t try to burst their own personal bubbles when it mattered (pre-Gilead).“

OMG. OMG. OMG. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOMEONE SAYS IT!!!

That last bit is something I sort of keep to myself cos like criticising June isn’t on my list of fav things to do but I thought the show was trying to make it REALLY clear that June was pretty late to the party when it comes to Gilead. Like, she had so many warning signs, even Moira was calling shit out, and she just sort of went along with the Gilead prep. Holly (a lot) and Moira (to some degree) were both like “WAKE UP!” But June and Luke just la-dee-da’ed around like “Oh it’s not that bad.” There’s the bathtub analogy and she even comments on how nobody really paid proper attention when it was building. So, at least she knows. 

I’m not hating ofc. I think almost everybody would behave the same. You see it already in some places. So, I’m not saying June is terrible for not doing more and it’s easy for us to say, “OMG. If that shit started here I’d be outta America so quickly!” But, at the end of the day, most people just sit by and watch.

But I mean insinuating in any way that June deserves what she got gets the wrath of Hell. Not that I am saying that! Nobody deserves what those women get but it’s important to think critically about these characters and if June recognises she was idle until it was too late, I think as viewers we should be able to say the same. Without it being taken as victim blaming, which I am very much NOT doing.

Also, as an aside, I understand how problematic it can be to suggest that June’s forgiveness of Serena is the desirable outcome cos IRL I think forgiving abusers is a very dangerous path to go down. It never ends well. (Although I am also someone who counts restorative justice as a viable option for some crimes. I studied it for a term in uni and it’s not something I can discount. I don’t think punitive/retributive justice is always the answer. Note: I’m talking about Serena’s crimes against June specifically here; her other wider crimes require something stronger than a healing circle lol.) The only thing I can think of is the entire environment of Gilead is so different that perhaps if you remove environment, people can change. It’s a very dangerous game to play and I certainly wouldn’t suggest this to anybody in the real world... I just, I want Serena to get some sort of redemption--and I don’t mean “happy ending”. Just something... else. And I am not opposed in the THT universe to June forgiving her. Simply cos there’s a bit in the book (IIRC) about forgiveness being true power and it seems like the idea the show is playing with. It’s something I remember from my childhood indoctrination at church as well, this whole “forgiveness is power!” mantra. I’m not sure I buy it. (I think it could be freedom, but I dunno. I’m no theologian or philosopher.) Ah. I’m conflicted.

“Damn, I could go and on about this toxic yet fascinating duo, but I’ll restrain myself. “

PLEASE DO NOT RESTRAIN YOURSELF. IMO they are indeed the most toxic yet fascinating pair on the show and I could read your thoughts about them forever. Not to mention, I feel like the actors have really good chemistry and play off each other exceptionally well. Again, I can’t recall the exact interview but I think it was Yvonne talking about the process and she and Moss really walk thru it and figure out everything. All that work shows. Honestly, this cast is strong. Like I can think of 6 of them that are excellent, a few that are pretty good, and then some blahs (no names mentioned lol). Ann Dowd totally deserved that Emmy for S1 and I honestly, I know I’m completely biased and all, but Yvonne’s S2 performance was stronger than Ann, AND everyone else in that category tbh. So nuanced.

[izloveshorses]

Alrighty so while I’m thinking about it here’s basically every element from Beauty and the Beast that I adored

can I say how surreal it was to be in a theater packed with young girls of all ages wearing yellow dresses with their Belle barbies 

not to mention all the adults and people my age who’ve been singing Be Our Guest for eternity were all so excited 

it was almost like when The Force Awakens came out and Star Wars was alive again and everyone, old and new generations of fans, gathered together.... ya know what I’m talking about? where everyone in the room is buzzing with anticipation

the CGI wasn’t as terrible as y’all thought, y’all need to have a little faith sometimes lol

the casting was excellent!!

i know people have mixed feelings about Emma Watson playing Belle but I honestly wouldn’t have casted it any other way. She’s always been a women’s rights activist, a bookworm and a thinker, and a strong role model for young girls. and her favorite princess was always Belle I mean come on. and her singing voice was so incredible!! that was what I was most looking forward to in this movie and it did not disappoint

she also said in a buzzfeed interview that she imagines Belle would open the Beast’s library to the public and start a school!!! How rad is that?? HEADCANON ACCEPTED 

shout out to Dan Stevens for waltzing in 10 inch stilts while wearing a 40 pound body suit 

ok Luke Evans and Josh Gad must’ve thought they were in Dirty Dancing because they had the time of their lives

and Luke was pretty attractive. just sayin

overall, the cast was really diverse! not one but two interracial couples! and in general there were a lot of poc in the village featuring a wonderfully sweet librarian dude

Everything about Belle’s character was fantastic I’m not kidding

i think the town had such a consistent routine that she could precisely time when the morning rush started?

despite the village blatantly gossiping about her she was still so nice and polite to everyone

so??? much??? sass??? it was unreal??? When Gaston asked why she wouldn’t go out to dinner with him he assumed she had plans but she was just like “No...” and she didn’t even explain further how freakin savage she shot that boy down

(a few more examples bc this girl was on fire) “Why would I be startled? I’m talking to a candle” and “Is that a joke? are you making jokes now?” and my fav “’Maybe you just haven’t met the right man?’ ‘It’s a small village Gaston, I’ve met them all’”

this is Elizabeth Bennet level Jane Austen would be proud

they touched on how women were expected to have kids in their late teens/early 20s and she’s like “screw that” yeah girl smash that patriarchy

how on earth did it take me 17 years to realize she’s considered odd because she’s the only literate girl in the whole village???????? how did I, a history buff obsessed with the French Revolution, never make that connection before???? this isn’t specific to the new film but still I applaud it good job disney

she was an inventor!!! i don’t know if i’ve ever been happier than when i saw her solving equations and tinkering and making a washing machine so she can read and get chores done simultaneously. emma totally had something to do with this decision absolutely no doubt

she doesn’t ride her horse sidesaddle and that was like a huge faux pas for ladies back then (again, smashing the patriarchy one step at a time)

SHE WAS TEACHING ANOTHER SMOL GIRL HOW TO READ!!! THAT’S SO IMPORTANT AND PRECIOUS I’VE BEEN UNABLE TO THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE SINCE THAT MOMENT

she planned to escape the castle from the beginning and was really creative about it, and no matter what she always found some sort of weapon lying around lol (a random stick, a chair, a pitcher Belle what would you do with that) but she was always prepared to defend herself with somewhat of a plan and attempt at thinking ahead

She was really curious about the curse and asked questions about it to figure out this mystery herself

she was always problem-solving and trying to find a solution to situations and that was so cool girls need to see that strong female leads aren’t always the ones that can fight, but girls with wit and bravery

there was lots of nice background info on characters that otherwise wouldn’t exist, like Belle’s mom’s death, why Maurice chose to stay in that boring village and Adam’s dad being a jerk and turning him into a monster (no pun intended)

Mrs Potts giving us a reason why the entire castle was cursed, not just Adam. They didn’t do anything to stop Adam’s dad from corrupting him and man that’s some heavy stuff

I feel like each character, especially the servants, were so much richer and stronger and more complex, and the stakes were higher bc each time a rose petal fell they became less and less human

even the enchantress had a name and she was gorgeous?

they went pretty dark in this one... like something caused that tree to fall in Maurice’s path and back into an upright position. the wolves wouldn’t cross the gates because of some boundary. the way the whole castle shuddered with each drop of a pedal. i could go on... and the added character depth really helped that dark stuff too

THE MUSIC!!!! WAS SO GOOD!!! I’ve had the album on repeat for.... four days now and I’m not sick of it yet?? please send help

seriously, they did an amazing job. it was perfectly balanced w both old an new songs, and neither of them overshadowed the other. each song got it’s spotlight, they honored the old ones while including new original ones that were awesome (cough forevermore cough cough)

Gaaaaaastonnnnnnnnnnnn omg that sequence was awesome. honestly i think everyone in the theater tapped their foot when he was stomping and dancing on the tabletops

Belle was really good too to me because i’m a nerd for that set design

Days in the Sun is extremely underrated!! but yes, Forevermore is breathtaking it’s growing on me more and more each day

lots of rotating cinematography and spinning i’m a nerd i love it

the costume and set design.... holy crAP it’s stunning

i read somewhere that Belle’s casual getup has large pockets for her books and she has part of her skirt pinned up so she can ride Philipe easier and that’s beautiful

each scene was packed with tiny details that most movie makers overlook and I’m so impressed???? not just visually but there were so many sounds that truly made it feel real like in the village I’d occasionally hear a crying baby or a dog barking or just constant chatter and that’s stuff you’d expect to hear in a crowded village square

the little twinkling lights during the ballroom dance was probably my favorite i may have cried

No one ever say anything bad about Belle’s dress again IT WAS SO GORGEOUS it floated across the floor like a bundle of sunshine

and there were so many details in that scene? did anybody notice her gold earrings she wore they were wonderful

her hairstyles throughout the whole movie were so cute (esp at the end with that updo!! and that pretty flower dress I need it)

the historical accuracies??? unreal??

so much baroque architecture with all of the elaborate gold designs ahhh i love it

half of it looked like a rococo painting, the other half a neoclassicism painting

girls weren’t allowed to be educated so that’s why Belle was hated so much--and so cool--and ohhhh my mind is blown why did i not understand this until now

lol a giant chunk of France was illiterate at the time too so LeFou realizing that halfway through trying to spell Gaston was hilarious

actually the mob song in general is scarily accurate. what starts with a small discomfort turns into irrational fear which turns into extremism in crowds and they did the stupidest things like “hey there’s a monster that we’ve never seen or heard of and it’s never attacked us before but LETS KILL IT” seriously the French loved mobs

they included a lot more intimate moments w Belle and the Beast to build up their relationship more carefully 

Belle almost in tears when she was in that library because honestly same girl

my favorite moment in the entire movie, although small, was when they were in the library during “Something There” and she just kept grabbing book after book and he was walking behind her holding this massive stack that was so cute

honorable mentions: when the Beast shook his head like the horse omg. and I freaking cackled when he threw that giant snowball at her face

when they were in Paris, and Belle figured out that her mother died of the plague and she said “let’s go home”

she just rode off while still wearing her ball dress

“no time to change gotta go save my pa i’m keeping this btw”

and then she strips down to her undergarments because they’re about to go after Adam and that’s the final straw nobody messes with him under her watch she has to save him and, sorry, but she won’t let a big bulky dress get in the way of that despite how beautiful it is

Belle participated in the climax fight scene she was not taking any of Gaston’s crap

and then Adam was like “stay there I’m coming” and she completely ignored him so she could step in if he needed her

“I am not a Beast”

the transformation scenes were amazing

LeFou’s character arc was surprisingly great! and I support him and his boyfriend

that one growl at the end... you know the one... I’m very confused why was that so sexy is that bad

there were so many moments where i got goosebumps and sudden tears from the swelling of the orchestra or a certain chilling line and i was just so moved by this movie

in every showing that i went to there was a massive applause from the crowd and i love it you deserve it disney

I'm running out of adjectives

There was hardly an aspect that I disliked. Maybe more of Mrs Potts would’ve been nice, maybe Belle asking Adam to grow a beard was a little strange, maybe Ewan could work on his French accent a little more (don’t get me wrong I love this man but it could use a little more work... other than that his acting was superb). my complaints stop there! I honestly loved this film so much and I’d been pumped since I first heard about it back in 2015. It didn’t disappoint! that means a lot coming from a person who had insanely high expectations for it.