#i haven't drawn in actual years let alone people. so.

[n3ongold3n]

I should be asleep or writing (ref)

[sanctus-ingenium]

I'm obsessed with the world of Mez- do you have any more lore about it? I'd love to hear about stuff like other mechs, if they (the people who make the tech) have flying tech, etc etc etc-

FLYING: honestly flying technology would be completely beyond the abilities of these people, but they can fly using other means. there are small dragon-like creatures called hive serpents which form hives upon the larger dragons (which the church hunt). the serpents actually eat a chiton-like exoparasite which lives on the outer skin of the dragons, and can defend their chosen host dragons very fiercely

however they can be tamed and used as flying mounts by humans, if they're taken from the wild young enough. drones can fly with one human and very light cargo, and queens (2x the size of a drone) can seat two people and heavier cargo. to distinguish them from wild serpents their wings are painted with unique identifying designs. they are usually used to carry post outside the mezian empire. within mez, the Church bans the use of hive serpents because anything associated with dragons is sinful.

while fighting dragons, it's not uncommon for holy beasts to become swarmed by hive serpents which live on the dragon - this is a major cause of death for anyone not wearing armour or not sheltering indoors at the site of the battle. the dragons' cnidocytes (the stinging cells on their tendrils - they shoot a metre-long venomous barb in response to touch) often end up killing hive serpents during the battle, as well, so there's an additional danger of envenomed bodies raining down from the sky. most dragon battles are pretty apocalyptic affairs

OTHER MECHS: there's a bunch! in fact at the height of the church's power it owned almost 10 of them. that has declined in recent years due to hull losses and bubonic plague taking out large chunks of the workforce, leaving certain beasts to fall into disrepair without maintenance. i haven't illustrated Unicorn, Lycaon, and Taurus yet (have drawn: Krokodilos, Pantera, Leun, Gryfon, and Nosewyse). the massive expense and difficulty involved in getting dragonsblood fuel means that it's really rare for private citizens to own any sort of engine, let alone a holy beast

there's obviously a lot of competition between the crews on each beast and until Leun's debut, Lycaon the wolf was considered the most superior and has the senior-most crew (somewhat bitter/jealous that they got superceded but who are they to question the throne of god)

[andreabandrea]

migospel and negative man

this is going to be a bit of a disorganized post, but i was rereading my old "chara did not abuse asriel" post, and I thought of something interesting. none of this is 'new' information or a new theory-- it only supports a point in an essay I wrote years ago. but the ramble will talk about a cool enemy in mother 3, so.

in my original post about Chara, in the section where I made the point that Chara "laughing off" Asgore's poisoning was likely unhappy/nervous laughter as opposed to taking actual joy in his pain, I bring up a theory created by passivechara on tumblr.

the Hard Mode only monster Migospel "loves to laugh" when around other monsters, but becomes sad and talks about hiding their pain when alone. Migospel literally mimes Chara in this way. (the name 'migospel' likely drives from 'mime' and 'gospel', so the 'gospel' part may refer to 'truth'-- aka, Migospel miming the truth about Chara).

if we believe in the narrator Chara theory, then a monster reacting to Chara isn't even unprecedented-- napstablook responds directly to the narrator's comment about their lack of humor.

now, I would need to build this up more in a 'proper' analysis post, but since I'm just rambling on my blog, let's just accept that toby fox was majorly influenced by earthbound and the mother series as a whole. papyrus's starman costume, naming the player, flowey's "cry out into the darkness" line, and more.

bear with me, but I'm going to talk about the mother series and link this back to undertale.

so in mother 3, there's a one-time only enemy you encounter called 'Negative Man'.

negative man is a joke enemy of sorts. he can do a very weak attack, but otherwise, he just says a sad line and wastes his turn. although his stats are miniscule- making him the weakest monster in the game- his HP is enormous, making his fight a bit of a chore.

people sometimes speculate why negative man is in the game. the concept of a drawn-out and irritating battle with no real challenge is definitely a mother series joke, and some people believe he's just there to add another enemy to your checklist of monsters to find and defeat if you want to 100% the game.

I think, though, that there's another purpose to Negative Man. And here we're going to get into Mother 3 spoilers so, uh. if you haven't played a game that's nearly 20 years old, then play it now and come back to this later.

...

okay? moving on.

so anyway, the interesting thing about negative man is that the music that plays when you're fighting him is 'Strong One', the same boss track that's used when you fight the Masked Man. this could just be a joke-- Negative Man is not 'strong' in any way, and the intentional complete lack of rhythm in 'Strong One' makes performing timed attacks to the beat very difficult, dragging the boss battle on more.

however, think about what's happening in the fight. you and your party are beating this creature to death who's crying and miserable, who has no will to fight, who isn't attacking (or can barely hurt you when he tries to attack), and so on. why are you doing it? because you have to. maybe negative man is just in your way, maybe you just want to fight him to 100% the game. regardless, this monster isn't fun to fight. the only reason you would intentionally fight him is because you have to.

you're probably thinking of sans's boss fight, where despite being the "weakest monster in the game" with only 1 attack and 1 defense, he has an extremely difficult and prolonged boss battle. i think that negative man could have potentially influenced toby in this way, too! but this isn't about mr. undertale himself.

now, there's another notable fight in mother 3 like this-- but the roles are reversed.

in the final battle of the game against the Masked Man (with whom the 'Strong One' theme is associated), lucas's party can't be used. lucas has just learned a devastating truth about the Masked Man's identity, and it's rendered him completely unable to fight. Lucas is likely miserable in this scene, and all he can do is pass turns while the Masked Man attacks him relentlessly-- not because he enjoys it, but because- due to his reprogramming- he has to. does that sound familiar?

all this to say-- the Negative Man enemy is a reflective of Lucas, and shows insight into his emotional state. the unwillingness to attack due to a sense of misery and the 'strong one' track associated with the masked man being used support this theory.

it's notable that Negative Man is, again, an enemy you can only encounter once. Negative Man isn't a prominent part of Mother 3.

this is to say-- what does this have to do with Undertale?

if we can accept the theory that the Negative Man, as a random rare enemy, could be a parallel to Lucas and reveal something about his emotional state (his misery in having to fight his own brother, the Masked Man), and if we accept that the Mother series was very influential over Toby Fox-- then it becomes even easier than before to accept the theory that Migospel is reflective of Chara and their emotions.

Migospel is only encountered in the unfinished 'hard mode' of undertale, again-- but Negative Man is only encountered once in mother 3. thus, even though Migospel doesn't have as much 'canonicity' as any other monster in the game, I think that there can be relevance to their inclusion.

this is to say-- as passivechara suggested (checks date) 7 years ago, I really do think that Migospel is more evidence that Chara isn't an evil sadistic monster when you consider the influence that the mother series had on toby.

[kokocunt]

characters: hanma shūji, female reader (ft. kisaki tetta)

contents: mild dubcon, manipulation, past csa, trauma dumping, age gap (20+ years), vaginal sex, hurt/comfort vibe, probably ooc hanma but i do not care. not proof read lol

wc: 7.2k

"will you be fine on your own tonight?"

you shouldn't have said yes.

but, no—you wanted to be all mature and collected like, "dad, i'm nineteen now; i'll be fine by myself," when you're already sobbing into a pillow not even an hour after he left. your nails tear at the skin of your breasts so hard blood is drawn, screaming as if anyone could hear you from the top floor penthouse. fuck, if it wasn't for your empty stomach, you're sure you would have thrown up twice by now, instead of dry heaving so hard that you choke on air. 

it's dramatic, it's grotesque; this is the worst it's been, but even then, it's just milder on other nights. 

will this ever change?

i mean, it's been years and you don't even remember what exactly happened that night, but for some god forsaken reason, it still lingers. it's in the scent of your room, in the phantom hands groping your body, in the position you lay in, in the thoughts of intimacy you fear, in the arms of your loved ones—it's everywhere, and you can't escape, no matter what you do. 

what can you even do? 

with your dad's line of work, therapy isn't exactly an option, but even then, how are you supposed to talk to someone about how disgusting you feel when you don't know exactly what happened? you've tried it already and it doesn't seem to work, albeit kisaki tetta isn't exactly the best person to go to for anything emotional, but if not with your dad, what friends do you even have to go to? you haven't been able to let people into your life after what happened.

that fact makes tonight so much harder.

even if your father is emotionally unavailable, him simply being in the house with you is enough to keep your worst thoughts at bay. he sleeps with a loaded gun by his bed, so the possibility of someone breaking in and doing those things to you again is gone. he can't fix what happened, but your dad still makes you feel safe; that's been enough for you in these past few years.

but tonight is the first night he isn't here with you—well, when he had business to attend to during the night, he would at least wait around for you to fall asleep first, but this is the first time he's abandoned you so early; it's scary. the thoughts you've been able to ignore with him around now rear their ugly heads, and it's so scary. thoughts telling you to tear all your skin off so you don't have to feel the hands touching you, thoughts telling you to mutilate your vagina so you don't have to worry about someone forcing themself inside you ever again, thoughts telling you to nose dive off the balcony so you don't have to think about any of this anymore; god, they're terrifying.

you need an escape from them—no, you just want an escape; what you actually need is someone, anyone to be here with you to make you feel safe for tonight because you know there is no escape. because, at the end of the day, the only thing even close to an escape you have is what little bit of security someone can provide you. at the end of the day, there's nothing you can do to prevent you from losing it all.

at the end of the day, things never change.

so, you call up the only other contact on your phone other than your dad's, and pray he isn't working tonight

—

the buzz of the intercom scares you, even though you've been sitting in wait for the past hour for it to ring; you press on the button and tell the man on the ground floor to come on up, voice shaky. i mean, you can't be blamed for being nervous, right? sure, you know him, but you've never actually spent time with him alone—besides the fact that he's way older than you and hanging out with him by yourself would be weird, he just doesn't seem to care all that much about you.

but, if that was the case, then why would he show up tonight? is it because your dad isn't here this time?

oh god. was he waiting to get you alone so he could rape you and not get in trouble with his boss? waiting for the perfect opportunity to threaten you into not saying a word about the way he's going to toy with your body? your bedrooms don't have security cameras, so he wouldn't get caught that way either.

oh no.

no. no. no. no. not again.

even if he got caught, he's been friends with your dad for so long; it would be so easy for him to find a way to convince him that having sex was your idea. i mean, you're the one who called him over in the first place.

this was a bad idea. this was a horrible idea.

should you grab a knife from the kitchen? no, that wouldn't work; he has so many years of experience on you, especially in fights. he'd just rip the knife out of your hands, and then bend you over the nearest surface, ignoring as you scream for him to stop. or he might just pull out a gun on you, if you try to attack him. he'll push the nozzle against your cranium and tell you to get on your knees, and then, while you're sobbing, you'll have to—

"hey, sorry i took so long," hanma yawns, as he walks through the doors of the elevator. his presence snaps you out of your paranoia immediately.

what were you even thinking? hanma wouldn't do something like that; he's always been nice to you whenever you saw him. just because he's a gang member, that doesn't automatically mean he doesn't care about anyone or that he only wants to hurt you—you're just letting your nerves get the better of you. hell, that's the reason you called him over tonight.

you need to calm down, especially evident when hanma asks, "you okay? you're shaking a bit there, kid."

breathe in for four, hold for seven, breathe out for eight, and then repeat.

deep breaths go in and out of your lungs for about a minute before you finally turn to face hanma, who leans over you with his arms folded utop the backrest of the couch. you didn't take him as the patient type, but you're more than grateful that he isn't forcing you to rush a reaction. "i'm… hanging in there," you answer him, forcing a smile. he rubs your shoulder in what seems like a poor attempt to comfort, before he hops over the couch to sit down next to you; his touch and closeness make you tense up, but you try to ignore it by talking to him. "u-um, thank you for coming over… you, uh, really didn't have to, b-but i appreciate it—like a lot."

he lets out a small laugh before rubbing your shoulder again—you really don't like it. "no problem, girlie; i mean, kisaki would probably off me if i didn't tend to his baby when she needed it," he comments, lifting his hand off you to grab the remote. another deep breath escapes your lungs the second his hand is off you, which grabs hanma's attention. you mumble an apology, but he only sets the remote back down and turns to face you. "but, y'know, i didn't just come over because of kisaki; you sounded pretty horrible over the phone—crying and stuff like that." hanma reaches for you again, but this time, he grabs your hand instead of your shoulder; it's better, but you still don't feel comfortable with him touching you exactly. "is there anything you want to talk about, sweetheart?" though, you're especially uncomfortable with the newfound nickname he has for you.

still though, you feel like you would have recognized any malicious intent he would have had by now, and you haven't; he genuinely just seems concerned for you. i mean, he didn't have to come over, nor did he have to ask about anything—you even told him on the phone that you didn't care if he just wanted to go to sleep the minute he got here, and that all you needed from him was to stay the night with you.

yet, here he is, offering you some place to vent. offering you something you haven't had a chance to really do.

offering something that you need.

maybe hanma is what you've wanted this whole time.

maybe he can make things change.

sure, it might be odd to pour out all your trauma onto your dad's friend of all people, but he's here. hanma is here and cares enough to listen, which is what you've needed. with no access to mental health care, no friends, and no way to explain this correctly to your dad, hanma is the first person you have the chance to talk to properly about this.

you may not be the closest with him, but you trust him enough. and above all else, you want something to finally change.

you need this.

"can… can i get personal with you, hanma? i-if you don't mind…" you mumble, heart beating out of your chest as you prepare yourself for this conversation.

his eyebrows raise in surprise, but then a lighthearted smirk follows it up soon after. "of course; whatever you need," he confirms, which relieves some of the weight on your chest. but, still, you're not comfortable enough to talk yet.

you swallow your breath before questioning, "would you mind if i lie down while i talk?" to which he laughs and tells you that you didn't need to ask, but you felt it appropriate, as you decided to rest your head on his lap. thankfully, he didn't seem to mind that, nor does he seem bothered by how you maneuver your hand around so that you're grabbing his hand back—it starts to become comforting when it's mutual, and even though this is all a bit intimate, laying on hanma's lap and holding his hand makes you feel like nothing bad is going to happen.

it feels safe; something that you didn't think you'd feel with another person ever again.

but as you try to find a place to start talking, fragmented memories push to the front of your mind, and they make you want to scream. they're all incomprehensible, blurry images, and yet you want to run away and hide. all you can make out of your memories are the pain you felt, the blurry image of someone on top of you, and how much you cried—god, you might actually vomit if you linger on this too long, but you need to push through it. you're the only one who can make this change.

but even if it's all up to you, you're not alone; you're reminded of this when hanma squeezes your hand to comfort you, your struggle with racking your memories together visible to him. you look up to him, where he gives you a smile, and it helps you calm back down. you squeeze his hand back, take in a deep breath, and then close your eyes.

he's not a therapist, he's not your dad; you don't need to give an accurate account of what happened for him to believe you. just say what you think happened as it comes to mind. 

don't think about it too much.

the deep breath you had just taken escapes through your nose before you start with, "i-i… think it happened when i was twelve…" you could've been thirteen too, though. did your birthday pass yet? you're not sure; all you remember is that you were in your first year of middle school. "dad had… some sort of party that night, i-i'm pretty sure…" you continue, but you think you might be making that part up. you know for sure that it happened at your house, but no clue about what was going on that day; though, it just makes sense that there were other people over, so a party will have to be the scene. "and… u-um… i was… i was in my bed…" that you remember the clearest; it's why you sleep on the couch most nights.

though, to hanma, it was clear you remembered that in particular because of the tears you didn't know were threatening to stream down your face. his thumb smooths over your knuckles to calm you down, as he tells you, "hey, i get what you're talking about now; you don't have to continue."

but you don't process his words—you can't; hanma's reassurance won't cut through the incomplete memories filling up your mind, even though you wish it would. "i-i just… i don't… i-i don't know w-who… how do i-i not know who d-did it…" you pry your hand away from hanma's so you can wrap your arms around your knees, curling yourself up into a fetal position; it's not as comforting as you wish it was—there never is comfort. "it-it… was… it hurt, s-so much… a-and… th-there was so much b-blood on my sheets the next morning, a-and i don't think i could even s-stand up either… b-but i—"

as your sobs start to make your rambling even harder to listen to, hanma sits you up to pull you into a hug, and while you want to peel all of your skin off at the feeling of another person touching you intimately, you grip onto him like a vice. his body pressed up against yours, encasing you—it does honestly make you feel sick, but you're too scared to let go at this point because, "d-dad didn't believe me, s-so i… i haven't told anyone else… a-and i've been s-s-so scared and alone…"

hanma seems to freeze for a second before pulling back, seemingly to say something, but you don't even consider that; you pull him back towards you hastily, face buried in his abdomen. "please! p-please don't go… i-i don't want to b-be… alone…" your panic quickly starts delving into desperation with each sob, leaving hanma left to pet your head like an animal to comfort you. "i-i just… i want it to stop… i want things t-to change… i'm so… s-so sick and tired of being sc-scared and… and mi-miserable over something i-i don't remember… i want it to s-stop… p-please make it stop…"  even though you know hanma can't do anything other than listen, you still beg with him incoherently until your tears start to dry up.

…which then leads to embarrassment once you come to your senses. 

and god, now that you can think a bit clearly, what have you been doing? convincing yourself that hanma could help you, trauma dumping onto your dad's friend, forcing him to comfort you, pleading with him to do something—who does that? you know it was a spur of the moment thing, but seriously, it's ridiculous. you feel ridiculous. i mean, you're supposed to be an adult for fucks sake, yet here you are, trying to make someone to take responsibilty over your unresolved problems like a child.

you'd probably break down again at the realization that you've never been able to actually mature since that day, if not for hanma's patient reassurance keeping you grounded—"are you feeling a bit better now after letting it all out, sweetheart?"

you nod your head and pull back from him, a shiver running up your spine when you're no longer touching; it's relieving, but at the same time, it leaves you feeling worse than before. though, you ignore it because, above all else, you really need to apologize to hanma. your hands come up to rub your eyes and wipe away all the snot and tears, while you tell the man, "i-i'm so, so sorry that you had to deal with that… i know you can't do anything, a-and i shouldn't have made you comfort me…" however, he dismisses your apology, telling you that you have nothing to be sorry for and that he would've already abandoned you if it was too much for him to handle. which does admittedly make you feel a bit better, if not a little surprised by his bluntness, but you still can't shake the awkwardness of the situation.

so, you mutter, "...um, w-well, thank you f-for putting up with me anyways…" after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. "y-you don't have to stay any longer, if you don't w-want to…" you offer him, even though you're really unsure if you can be left alone with your thoughts right now; though, you'd feel bad if you made him do anything else for you.

he's already done enough.

and yet—"well, i wouldn't feel too great leaving right after you had a breakdown"—he's still so generous to you.

but in all honesty, you feel… kind of weird, at this point.

i mean, of course you appreciate him being here, but you don't know what he's getting out of this; you're not sure why he would practically babysit his boss' daughter without some kind of incentive. sure, it could be out of the kindness of his heart, but things feel off, now that you're no longer blinded by your meltdown.

and as if to validate this weird feeling you have, hanma drops on you, "by the way, now that you've calmed down, i actually think i know how to help you move past this trauma of yours a bit."

this revelation of his makes you tense up. yeah, you've wanted help for so long, but there's something in the calmness of his voice and the smile on his face that makes you think it isn't the help you want. hell, you're already gotten what you wanted: someone to listen to you.

then, it finally dawns upon you that it isn't that hanma has done enough; it's that you don't want him to do anymore.

yet—"i think you would benefit from having sex; y'know, where you actually have control this time"—he's still trying to help.

and now the source of your unease is viscerally clear.

you know what you just heard him say; the idea itself makes you want to vomit, but knowing that he's suggesting you have sex with him, is something completely different.

something worse.

but you don't want to come off rude, after what he's done for you. "u-um… i-i-i don't know about t-that…" you mumble, scooching away from him ever so slightly, only for hanma to grab your hand. you jump at the contact and debate running upstairs into your dad's room to hide, but instead, you try to calm down, telling hanma, "i-i know you… you, uh… m-mean well… but i don't think i'm, um… ready for t-that yet. i-i mean, this is the first time i-i've even talked to someone ab-about this! it would be weird to—"

"haven't you been waiting years for things to get better?" hanma interrupts, his words cutting through you like a knife and stabbing you in the heart of the issue. i mean, of course you want to get better, but what he's getting at is that you don't know how to get better because of how long you suffered for—and he would be right.

in retrospect, you imagined your recovery to be something instantaneous; you get this dwelling pain off your chest to someone, and then you'll miracuously get better. but here you are after telling someone what happened, knowing that if he left right now that you'd be at your worst. you know opening up about this was just the first step, and you know you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone of suffering to get better.

you know hanma's proposal is the only option on the table right now.

but you also know that you're not okay with this.

however, your hand still in his grasp, hanma stands and drags you up with him. "listen, i know this is all probably scary to you, but trust me, i only want to help," he starts, as he leads you to the stairs. your feet are moving on their own to follow him, but your heart is beating out of your chest; you were worried about him coming over just to violate you, and that's really about to happen isn't it? 

but as if he could read your thoughts, hanma reassures you, "i mean, i don't exactly want to sleep with someone under half my age, let alone my boss' daughter, either, but like i said, you'd benefit from having consensual sex." and even though you're still uncomfortable, his comment does relieve your initial fear—that this is something he wanted to do to you. and to cement that relief, he confirms with you, "and i'd prefer you have sex with someone you know and trust. you do trust me, right?"

that's all there is to it.

you really need to stop thinking the worst of a situation

"yes, i do…" you mumble an answer, noticing he had stopped in his ascent up the stairs to hear from you. hanma gives you a smile in response, before pausing once again once he reaches the top of the steps; he asks you which room you want to use. instinctively, you were going to say your dad's room, but that's… weird. and besides that, you have to face this—all of it. "um… m-my room is the one at the end of the hall…" you say while pointing at the door, to which hanma responds accordingly.

this is okay.

you'll be okay.

when you walk into your room, you feel fine. i mean, you spend most of your time here—you just have trouble sleeping in your bed; that's all the issue is, so it's great that you're going to get past that too, after…

after you're all tired out from…

"go ahead and get comfy," hanma tells you, to which you oblige as if you were on autopilot. you hesitantly lie down face up, as you try to relax yourself.

you don't remember the last time you've laid in your bed; realistically, it couldn't have been that long, right? but then again, all you really do is sit at your desk all day, so maybe it has been a while. hell, you remember laying on your floor more than your bed; so, maybe that's why the feeling of your comforter engulfing you in warmth is so foreign. and, now that you think about it, the softness of your pillows feels like something you forgotten as well—

the shifting of weight on the bed snaps you out of your head.

now's not the time to get distracted.

even though your skin is crawling at the sight of hanma sitting at the foot of your bed, you can't retreat into your own head; it would probably be worse for you anyway. 

i mean, it always starts with the little things—like your bed. but then, you start thinking about how you used to lay on your stomach when you were younger, and how you couldn't sleep without cuddling a pillow. then, there's a gap in your memories that always leads to you thinking about the pain you felt. the blood you bled. the tears you cried. the cum that was inside—

hanma's hands rest on top of your knees, and for the first time since you laid down, you're aware of your existence. you didn't even realize that you were sitting up, legs locked together, arms wrapped around yourself.

god, you need to stop thinking so much.

you need to focus.

but that's so hard of a task to do when—"do you want me to take off your clothes for you? it's up to you."—you don't want to be here right now.

you just need to remind yourself that this will help. this is for your betterment.

"i-i can do it myself, but um… do i have to t-take off all of it?" you ask confused, being that this is your first time doing this. much to your relief though, hanma assures you that you can do whatever you want; you call the shots tonight. which… does make you feel more confident in this, but—"well, y-you know, um… i don't really know what i'm doing, so-so, uh… maybe you… y-you should just…"

hanma lifts his hands off your knees and pushes you back down against the mattress as gently as possible, explaining to you, "just tell me to stop whenever you need." you're glad he understood what you were getting at, but the embarrassment of it all is the least of your concerns now that his hands are on your hips.

it takes all your willpower not to kick him as his thumbs finger the waistband of both your shorts and your underwear, but you still end up doing it; thankfully, it was more so just a shove than a full blown kick, and hanma seems fine with it, as he respectfully backs away in response. "l-like i said, i-i can do it… s-sorry, should have, um, been m-more clear…" you apologize, to which hanma only nods his head unfazed. thank god he's patient with you.

though, how much is his patience even helping? your hands tremble as they reach down to replace hanma's to nervously tug off your bottom wear, and it's still uncomfortable. the way hanma diligently watches you strip is uncomfortable. the cool air hitting your naked pussy is uncomfortable. telling hanma, "y-you can… uh… go ahead… i-i guess…" is uncomfortable.

no matter how good hanma is to you, you're still so uncomfortable.

and it doesn't help that he has to forcefully pry your legs apart to get access to your cunt, even though that's more so your fault. but once he does, you can only stare up at the ceiling and take deep, methodical breaths—don't freak out. if you can't get past the discomfort, then the least you can do right now is not panic, even though you already feel like screaming at just the touch of hanma fingers.

you cement your feet into your mattress and clench your jaw shut to the point it hurts, as he spreads your lips apart with his index and ring fingers. his middle runs up and down your folds, with you getting more nauseous every time he makes contact with your clit, but then he suddenly dips the whole finger inside of you without warning, causing you to let out an almost grotesque squeal; you immediately apologize, even though you didn't even do anything—even though you're actually kind of pissed that he did that.

it was his fault, and hanma knows that, especially telling by his laugh as he pulls his finger out of you. to your surprise, his finger is covered in slick; i guess being at war with your body for so many years has made you unaware of how it reacts because he didn't really do anything that turned you on. in fact, you are still pretty sick at just the idea of doing this, let alone actually going through with it.

or so you thought, until hanma's tongue lapped up all your juices left on his finger and what little that started sliding down his "sin" hand.

i mean, you always thought he was an attractive man, but him doing something so… erotic makes you feel so many emotions. another layer of nausea gets added on at the fact that he's so unfazed about tasting you, maybe even into it, but you're not any better—you can feel heat rising in your cheeks, and you can't even take your eyes off him, until he opens his mouth.

"sorry, sorry; i know i shouldn't be too playful with you," he apologizes, which makes you let out a deep breath you didn't know you were holding on. his apology relieves you of a bit of tension, and it results in a smile from hanma. "i just wanted to make sure you wouldn't freak out when i actually went down on you, and i mean—you didn't panic all that much when i shoved my fingers in you, so guess i'm in the clear," he explains, before he finds his place back in between your legs.

you don't understand his methods, nor do you really want to; he seems like he knows what he's doing, so you'll just go along with it. besides, you figured he has plenty of experience just by looking at him, so who are you to say anything to begin with? i mean, regardless of what his intentions were doing… all of that, hanma managed to pull your attention away from what's going on, and that helps you calm down for a bit. hell, you don't even react when his tongue glides up your slit

well, not immediately, at least.

your breath hitches when the tip of his tongue reaches your clit, and it all suddenly comes crashing back down. the vision of an attractive man between your legs was what was keeping your mind elsewhere, but an actual touch whiplashes you back into sobriety.

back into the reality of what's happening.

and the nausea settles back tenfold.

albeit, there's also a churning in your lower abdomen as he sucks on your clit which could very well be the brunt of how sick you suddenly feel, but regardless, you think you might actually vomit the more you stay in your head. just grappling with the fact that this is happening—that your dad's friend is going to fuck you—is hard enough, let alone actually being touched like this after so long of fearing it. it's just… too much to handle, especially when hanma's fingers find their way back inside of you.

you need to tell him to stop; he said he would if you did.

but when you open your mouth to say something, his long, slender fingers reach a sensitive spot inside you that you didn't even know existed, and all that comes out is a whiny moan. 

it's supposed to feel good, but the closer he pushes you to finishing, your body starts remembering how it felt the first time you came. 

when you were forced to.

when you were so young that it happened maybe weeks after you just started puberty.

when your body didn't know how to respond to what was happening.

your body still doesn't know how to responds

your legs are over hanma's shoulders, so you end up slamming your foot down onto his back to make him stop. you don't even realize you did that until he removes himself from you. he looks pissed with you, and you are too.

you're so pathetic.

but, as always, hanma reassures you, "alright, alright—i'm sorry. we can stop now, if that's what you want," even if his tone sounds a bit annoyed. he wipes his mouth and chin of your slick, before attempting to get up.

but you wrap your arms around him before he can get off the bed. "n-no…" you plead, and he looks back at you confused.

you're going to tough it out. you're going to change.

even if you're scared. even if your body won't like it. even if you think it's weird to do this with hanma. 

even if you don't want to.

"no, i-i'm sorry, hanma… i should've just said something…" you apologize, your voice sounding choked up as you fight off the urge to cry. he turns around to you and reaches to give you a hug, but you grab his hands and look him in the eyes. "l-look, i just… i-i don't think i can handle, um… too much… so, c-can we just, like… uh…" 

you're not really an adult; saying what you want outright embarrasses you, and you can't deal with anything sexual without feeling bashful. you're a nineteen year old child who needs an adult to walk you through this, and hanma knows that. "you wanna skip the foreplay, right?" he confirms with you, to which you shyly nod your head. he chuckles in response, "that's fine by me; i just wanted to make sure i didn't go in dry—it's your real first time, y'know?" before crawling over you to lay down on the bed.

you turn around to face him, confused as to why he's the one laying down, but he answers your question before you can even ask it. "listen, i know you said you wanted me to do all the work, but you don't tell me anything—and, to be honest, i don't wanna get kicked again," he explains with a bit of lingering annoyance in his tone, as he reaches for something in his pocket. you want to apologize for that again, but he interrupts you by tossing a condom onto your lap, then continuing, "so, instead, how about you be on top and go at your own pace, sweetheart?"

it's not a suggestion; he's already tugging his sweats down his thighs so he can pull out his dick, and you're suddenly way more nervous than you were before. i mean, you don't know what you were expecting, but he's big—way too big for you, at least.

you really didn't want this time to hurt too.

but before you have the chance to retreat back into your mind, hanma points at your hands, and you remember that you're holding a condom. "oh! u-um… uh…" why would he hand this to the inexperienced one here? "m-my hands… they're, uh, s-sweaty, so could you, like, d-do it?"

hanma rolls his eyes—you think it's in jest, or at least, you hope he isn't actually anymore annoyed—and snatches the condom out of your hands; he opens it and rolls it down onto his length faster than you can even prepare yourself for this. "it's your turn now, for real," he comments, carelessly tossing the opened wrapper somewhere into the darkness of your room.

despite what you had hoped, you can tell his patience is running thin—it's most noticeably in his deadpan expression. there's no sight of that reassuring smile he has been giving you all night when he orders you to do your part, and not to mention his mannerisms are slowly getting more aggressive. and as if to prove his growing impatience, he grabs your fidgeting hands and pulls you towards him, placing them flat onto his chest.

if you weren't reluctant before, then you sure as hell are now. maybe even scared a little.

but you said you were going to tough this out, didn't you?

so, you follow hanma's lead and toss one of your legs over him, balancing yourself on his chest; this results in a soft smile from him, and a weight feels like it's been lifted off your shoulders at the sight of it. your hesitation was annoying him, but he isn't actually mad, even adding a proud "attagirl" with his grin—guess that's one thing out of the way.

the real daunting issue at hand, however, presents itself as hanma helping position his tip at your entrance, where you're supposed to lower yourself down now. just the thought is making your heart race and a cold chill go up your spine, and it doesn't help that you can feel what you think is precum sticking onto your folds now mixed with the cool air; it all just feels… so uncomfortable. so wrong.

just a little more left, though. you're so close—you can't bail out now.

you take the deepest breath you can muster and screw your eyelids shut, before slowly lowering your hips, and for the first few centimeters, you had thought you were overthinking things—but then, just one centimeter deeper, you felt a certain sting you had forgotten.

and with it, you heard a little girl cry.

your heart stops for a moment, your eyes shoot open. you don't think you can breathe. the pain was only fleeting, the pain wasn't even an issue, but you feel like you're dying. 

no.

that little girl is the one who feels like she's dying right now—not you. her pain is never ending, and she always drags you into her suffering; it's why you've been in this hell for years.

every night, you're forced to hear her cry, and it makes you sick. baring that little girl's agony with her tears you apart; it's been ruining you

and right now is no different, except for the fact that you're trying to ignore her.

you grit your teeth and squint your eyes tight to the point you think you're going to hurt yourself, while forcing your hips down until the full length is inside of you. however, your efforts of drowning out the little girl's sobs are in vain because she starts to scream at the feeling of you getting stretched out. you only thought it was a bit uncomfortable, but she's making you feel so much worse.

and, "you're doing great, sweetheart," hanma isn't making anything better either. honestly, you forgot he was even here; you only took notice of him talking because his hands have found a place on your hips, and it's making her scream more. you don't even take the time to move them off, though—you just want to get through this.

but when you finally start to move, she starts begging you to stop, and you can only respond by bouncing your hips faster than you can handle.

it's awful.

you hate everything about this.

the crying, the discomfort of something inside you, the screaming, the thumping against your cervix, the pleading, the tightness building in your lower abdomen.

why did you agree to this?

a hand comes up to your face to wipe the tears that you didn't even realize were coming from your eyes. "hey, i told you we can stop whenever; you don't need to force yourself."

everytime hanma tries to reassure you that you don't have to do this, the guilt you feel for disappointing yourself  is unmatched. you keep telling yourself you're going to tough it out, but everytime, you start to crack when your mind wanders—and you hate it the most out of anything happening right now. 

you agreed to this because you wanted something, anything to change, and change isn't supposed to be easy.

change is supposed to hurt.

you slap hanma's hand away from your face, letting your tears flow freely, and start to grind your hips against him again, while the little girl wails 'stop' or 'it hurts' in your head. you really just can't ignore her, no matter how much you want to.

no, instead, you have to hurt her more—put her through so much pain that she dies. 

and so, you'll do just that; raising your hips, forcing them back down, while your face becomes disgusting with tears and snot. the gross sound of skin slapping against skin echoing through the room of your quiet penthouse, along with your moan-like sobs and the occasional grunt from under you, and an all too familiar pressure being pounded closer and closer until release.

it all makes her scream and beg louder, cry harder, with each passing second, until your body jolts—a shiver runs up your spine, your lips tremble. there's a white noise ringing in your ears, muting the little girl.

you feel like you've been engulfed in static. even though the hands that are on your hips continue to move you, riding out your orgasm, you don't feel much. you feel fuzzy, but you can't even tell if it feels good or not.

before you know it, you're laying back down on your bed. your pussy throbs, hole clenching around nothing, and your heart is beating so fast that it feels like it's going to stop any second. your sight is blurry with tears, but you don't know if you're still crying; though, your eyes still dart around aimlessly, catching a glimpse of a used condom being tied and then thrown somewhere.

there's weight shifting around your bed, you think someone's talking to you while it happens, but you can't hear them. a warm comforter is brought over you, and the weight now rests besides you.

your mind goes blank, the sight of the little girl completely lost.

—

you wake up more refreshed than usual, but there's an ache between your thighs and a pounding in your head, on top of feeling as gross as any other day. though, you're not plagued by discomfort while laying in your bed, so you shut your eyes again, ready to sleep away your headache; unfortunately, indistinguishable yelling from downstairs denies you of your rest. 

guess you should go see what the commotion is.

though, the first step out of your bed and you almost collapse. i mean, you're well aware that you had sex, but you don't exactly remember the last bits too well; once your younger self left, you did too. maybe you pushed yourself a little too hard, but if that meant being able to lay in your bed without having nightmares for at least one night, you were fine with it.

but nevertheless, you have to face the day too, to see if things have actually changed.

you drag yourself over to your dresser to put on clean underwear, before pulling your comforter off the bed. you wrap the warmth around yourself, and head out of your room, trying not to trip over yourself.

"you slept with my daughter." looking over the railing to the floor below, you see your dad holding up hanma against the wall with a gun. right… he's probably enraged about that, for good reason. "give me one fucking reason i shouldn't lodge a bullet into your skull, hanma shūji."

though, hanma looks relaxed, delighted even about a gun being pointed at him, as if this isn't a big deal at all. "well, kisaki, i don't think you want your daughter to witness a murder, right?" he answers, gesturing over to you upstairs. your dad looks up at you in shock, before hanma adds on, "i especially don't think she'd like to see the last guy she fucked shot right in front of her, yeah?"

your dad snaps back to hanma, ready to shoot him point blank for that comment, but he resists the urge because of you. he socks the man in his gut, before turning back to you. "sweetheart, please go back to your room," he asks through gritted teeth, tucking the gun into the holster under his arm. he's trying not to scare you, but you're still concerned about hanma. "i said, go back to your—"

"please don't be mad at hanma!" you plead, resulting in a surprised look from your father.

"yeah… exactly…" hanma mutters, holding his stomach where he was punched. "like i said, i was trying to help her out… you know, help her recover from what you did."

what?

you stare at hanma with bewilderment, and your dad looks at him just as confused… you think, at least.

hanma gives you an all too knowing look, before turning back to the man in front of him. "seriously, why are you mad at me? i mean, you're the one who raped your daughter in the first place."

you heart drops.

and when you hear the little girl, back from nowhere, cry 'dad, you're hurting me,' your body drops to the floor too.

you were right; there's no escape to all of this.

[she-would-just-say-she-did]

About Proshipping/Proshippers.

I know this is pretty out of place on my blog(with really nothing on it anyways but oh well) but I have a few very important things to say, because some Twitter people have begun a slow migration back here somehow

First of all. "They're just fictional" is such a weird defense like? "Oh I'm not a pedophile, I just enjoy FICTIONAL pedophilia" why do you enjoy pedophelia at all?? In any context?? Same goes for incest ships??

Second of all and this is my main point,

You are actively violating creator boundaries. "Proshipping doesn't harm anyone" yeah. It. It does. Content creators shouldn't be scared of creating characters that are minors cause y'all will ship them with literal adults. People do not want their characters in the disgusting contexts proshippers put them in. And if anyone says "well they never explicitly said they were against Proshipping" THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TOO. Nobody should have to fucking explain they don't want their characters drawn in relationships with their SIBLINGS or with people twenty years older.

"Let people enjoy what they want to enjoy and if you don't like it look away" Look. People are always going to create disgusting content of minors and put it on the internet, and you just have to avoid it. But that should be a BAD thing that those things exist! It shouldn't be someone thing people are making MORE of and enjoying! And by creating an actual market for that content that greatly increases the probability more people will see it! If you're so depraved and desperate go get off alone on whatever add riddled site you can find that will give you what you want and leave the rest of us alone if you have too. Don't try and make a fucking COMMUNITY about it.

This sort of ties in to creator boundaries. But I want to make a short note of it. As a writer who wishes to publish my work one day, proshippers are a big reason why I haven't published anything or put any of my actual content and characters on the internet. My characters for the most part are MINORS, not to mention very personal to me. It makes me extremely uncomfortable at the idea of people sexualizing them even in "normal" context, let alone shipping them with their siblings and adults. That isn't okay. You are stopping me, and probably who knows how many, creators from sharing what they love with people because you will ruin it for them.

So the next time you say "Proshipping doesn't harm anyone!!" reread this post.

That's all folks.

[daenystheedreamer]

the hotd fandom on twitter (and ao3) is actually making me go insane.

i have no idea why the poor boy who plays Bastard #2 son of rhaenyra was targeted like that by adult fans of the show but it genuinely feels like a fever dream.

the casting announcement for alicent’s brother was announced yesterday i think and immediately you can see people shipping him with luke which is ???

like at this point they have to admit they just have a weird fascination with this 16-year-old actor and are obsessed with shipping him with conventionally attractive adult men but the fact that it’s so spread and normalized in this fandom makes me feel like i’m being gaslighted like is this not wrong? guys?? idk? what gets me is that they specifically use the child actor. they saw a kid hanging out and having no personality and turned him into the Uke Supreme i just don’t get it

i feel like it all boils down to the got fandom generally being so male obsessed because the same people who bash alicent and the actress who plays her then turn around and write fanfic about idfk aegon and daemon being their self-insert’s malewives which i think is fine but when you look at the whole picture it’s soo telling. lmao.

yeah its vile. im mostly live and let live, i cultivate what i see online and avoid what i know will make me upset + when i wanna be a hater im choosing to look at that stuff. but like the line is drawn when youre just being weird to a minor. there's this movie, death in venice, about a man becoming obsessed with this pretty male youth. and ironically, or perhaps darkly fittingly, the 15yo actor for tadzio (the youth, the actor's name is bjorn andresen) was made deeply uncomfortable with the experience due to continued sexual harassment because people could not fucking leave him alone. and it's terrible, it's horrible! there's a documentary (haven't seen it though) about his experiences called The Most Beautiful Boy in the World. also if you're into japanese pop culture, you'll see he's an influence on shoujo/yaoi/bishounen/sh*ta which should tell u everything u need to know.

essentially what I'm getting at is no matter what people say about fiction vs reality, i personally believe the line should be drawn at depictions of real life children. its the tadzio thing again plus i have no doubts if they were doing this to an underage actress it would be frowned upon by the exact same people being gross.

you're into the character/dynamic, you like yaoifying it, okay! it's not my place to judge if its okay to take pleasure in it either. live and let live but i can still think its gross. youre very clearly drawing this minor sensually/sexually and are oddly fixated on him. it's uncomfortable but sometimes you just have to take a look at yourself and recognise you're doing something kinda fucked up. its okay and sometimes necessary to recognise that you are a selfish being with selfish desires that are wrong sometimes, youre not evil but you can engage with it maturely. like idk i just dont think its 'neopuritan' or whatever the fuck to think the cp, even drawn, is gross.

ALSO EDIT: i am not cancelling death in venice the book or the film for being problematic. it is fiction. i hear theyre great actually. bjorn andresen and the kid from hotd however, are real life people. thats the part i think is gross. just before anyone calls me puritan and homophobic or whatever the fuck

[evilwickedme]

What are some of your favorite books/arcs in comics?

Hello there :D you sent this the same day as that fav books ask I answered last week, so sorry for taking so long to get to this I then ALSO got the ask for beginner friendly comics and basically this is a long time coming here are a few of my favorite comics and graphic novels ever, including some repetitions from the beginner friendly ask lmao

So for Deadpool I have said this a million times and I will say this again: the 2012 run by Posehn and Duggan is fucking GOD. It's funny and witty and a little gory like any good wade comic yes, but it's also got so much heart and I love the cast and it brought in Ellie who's just fucking EVERYTHING to me. I'm also enjoying the current run of Deadpool by Alyssa Wong like no run of Deadpool since, and if you're looking for a run of marvel comics to pick up right now oh my God start there for real

Obviously another favorite is Spider Gwen - mostly the original Radioactive Spider-Gwen, but Spider-Gwen: Ghost Spider and Ghost Spider are also really good, just not quite as solid and unfortunately the story told in them gets cut off and has yet to be continued. Obviously Spider-Gwen has been a solid 15% of my personality over the past year and I literally lectured on what it has to say on the main 616 universe but I just love earth-65's versions of Gwen, Captain Stacy, Harry Osborn, Emjay, and Matt Murdock (Murderdock my beloved) soooo fucking much like everyone in this cast is fucking amazing!!! If you let me talk about Spider Gwen I probably won't shut up

Anyway another one of my favorite books is Spider Men: Worlds Collide. It collects Spider Men and Spider Men II, and it focuses on two team ups between Peter and Miles, one back when they lived in separate universes and the other after the Ultimate universe got ixnayed and Miles was transported to 616. I actually prefer Spider Men II overall, I think it's a great story and it has one of best bi!peter panels imho, but both stories are great and very recommended.

Still with Marvel, if you haven't read the 2014 Scarlet Witch run by James Robinson, oh my God you're missing out. Every issue is drawn by the a different artist, except for the last issue which is drawn by the same artist as the first, which really works cause it happened right after the magneto-isn't-her-dad retcon so she's searching for her identity. The writing is gorgeous and all of the artists do an amazing job. I showed a panel to my niece once and she hasn't shut up about it for a year, it's that pretty. So it's worth reading for the art alone, I cannot emphasize this enough, but I love the story and the use of Agatha too.

I also love love love love LOVE Alias. Can we talk about how good Alias is? I feel like people don't talk about how good Alias is enough. Like I said in my beginner's rec post, it deals with really heavy stuff, but it does it with such gravitas! I love the noir feel, I love the way the art reflects what's going on with Jessica, I love the flashbacks, I love Jessica/Luke, like everything about it is amazing.

Moving onto DC, we have to mention Watchmen since it's the first comic I ever read. Is it good? ... Like I said with the question of is it beginner friendly, I have no idea. But you asked for my favorites, and as the first comic I ever read it holds a real place in my heart. A lot of it still haunts me, honestly. Say what you will on the dark age of comic books and what it led to later, I love it.

And then ofc there's Under the Red Hood. Do I even have to say it? My obsession with Jason is as easily observed as my obsessions with Wade Wilson or any version of Gwen Stacy. This story is iconic, it's so well written, I love the art, it's fucking heartbreaking. My guys I love this story so goddamn much.

I haven't read nearly as much Superman as I'd like to - I'm working on it don't you worry - but I recently read the Death of Superman trilogy and the third book in particular, The Return of Superman - also called The Reign of the Supermen in some editions I believe - is soooooo good. I actually almost sent in a lecture just about this book instead of my lecture about Smallville, but ultimately I have more to say on Smallville so I went with that, but still. Guys, the different Supermen here, the things they represent, not to mention just how fucking great Kon is in his first appearance and how much I sympathize with Lois here - there's so much to love about this. Plus I love late '80s and '90s Superman art, there's something about that specific time period's art style that I just find hits exactly in the right spot.

Batwoman: Elegy!!! Greg Rucka my beloved <3 honestly I'm still mad I hadn't read this before I did my og comic book lecture on the Jewish nature of the medium, it's so good at representing all the ideas I was trying to put into words, but also the art and the narrative and the character it's trying to introduce all make such an impression, it's so fucking good.

Moving onto indie comics, we have to talk buffy comics. I have read a lot of buffy comics. Not even close to all of them, I fell off the wagon somewhere around mid season nine and only purchased a bit of season ten, but I still have a certain affection in my heart for season eight, since I found all of it in the second hand booth at my first ever con. I also think Angel: After the Fall is fucking excellent.

This is already too long so I'll just life a few more things here - Nimona and Lumberjanes - ND Stevenson, my guys, like they just do it every time. Giant days, paper girls, also great indie comics. There's a graphic novel called witchy I really love - I recently realized there's a vol 2 and I desperately need to read it, I genuinely just thought it ended on a cliffhanger forever.

Finally, maybe this doesn't belong on this list at all, but Maus. I feel like Maus should be required reading for every adult on the face of the earth. Obviously as a Jewish person it's particularly affecting for me, but I don't think it's a coincidence there was a recent banning of the book. It's incredibly impactful and in our times of rising antisemitism it is incredibly important as well. Do yourself a favor and read it.

Okay well that was certainly a list! Everyone, feel free to let me know how you feel about any of these or if you're planning on reading them. And thanks for asking!

[starmora]

First I want to say you have probably hit on and shared all of the nuances around issues with Gamora's treatment in the mcu since Infinity War better than a lot of people. It's applause worthy really. The way you understand the importance of her relationship to Peter, to Nebula and the team. The way you understand why her death actually wasn't done well. All of it and I'm probably going to be reading everything multiple times. Thank you for showing Gamora grace and love when the movies haven't always done that.

Secondly someone sent you a comment about the creep song in vol 3 and how that looks compared to Gamora's treatment. I think their comment points out exactly why I can't let go quite yet about what the movie did and didn't do. There is almost a the cruelty is the point element to how when 2014 Gamora shows back up she's basically a non entity to some of the guardians. It's like she doesn't even exist as a human being to them anymore. This alone would be upsetting but they also act as if 2018 Gamora didn't really exist either. There's something chilling about a movie so overt in showing pain and suffering and how horrifying that is and then when you look at 2018 Gamora it doesn't even acknowledge her pain and suffering. It's also cruel to 2014 Gamora because even though she at first really doesn't want to hear about the Gamora who died or what it was like before, how must it be for her to see all these other people who apparently knew her too and were her family and they appear as if they feel nothing about her. The whole situation was uncomfortable and hard but it must have been so lonely and emotionally isolating to be stuck with a group of people where this dynamic is playing out.

This is also why I'm still not quite over Gunn's comments about real family. He placed Gamora in an emotionally taxing position where she hardly knew anyone, had very little support, she had to take on the responsibilities with these people, see some of their raw moments and just as she's opening up to it and more comfortable he's hinting that she doesn't belong. Like most of that experience didn't count for much of anything. That seems really cruel to me. Which when you switch gears and look back on all the things 2018 Gamora had done before with the guardians and all the ways that was ignored in vol 3, makes the cruelty even more visible. Is he really saying nothing she does counts and has any lasting importance. Or is he just blind to how it looks. Because it doesn't look or sound all that great.

I'm learning to make peace and I'll move on and I know we all will. But I'm not understanding how more people don't see any of this or when they do they either think it's fine or use it as a weapon against Gamora. Even on a critics level I don't understand why there's not more pushback. Do people really think all the writing around this was good. I know some of it is but lots of it isn't. At the very least how isn't anyone questioning why only Nebula and Peter, and mainly Peter were shown to have feelings about her dying. Plus people really aren't praising her role either so surely more people than just us die hard Gamora fans know something isn't right.

Thank you 🫶 I get a LOT of pushback for it and I have for years, but I love this character so much that I’ll aggressively protect her especially when it seems like no one else will. I’m just glad to know I’m not alone out there in feeling like something is just not right with how she’s been treated.

People can continue to try and explain away the “real family” comment to me as many times as they’d like but I just don’t see how no one can seem to grasp that it doesn’t matter what his intention in saying it was when we’ve seen firsthand how quick people have been to try and disregard her completely and his comment of her having a “real”, separate family from the guardians has done nothing to blur this line in the sand people have drawn. Nothing he’s done, both on Twitter and explicitly in the movie has done much to make it seem like she’s allowed to be part of this family. She’s been excluded everywhere, even down to the kids toys at mcdonalds and no one seems bothered by it because it’s so so EASY to just write her off and exclude her when everyone else does it in the movie besides Peter. There’s so much more they could have done with her and even though Zoe acted her ass off and did a fantastic job it’ll just always bother me how much of an afterthought her character seemed to be this time around.

[someobscurereference]

I stumbled across your old Xander/Owain fic again recently and haven't been able to get it out of my head, I love the leo trio with my heart and soul and xanlow is great but there is something so compelling and wholesome about them being in such close proximity for so long bc of Leo and Laslow but not close enough to actually have any sort of relationship with one another otherwise until they finally get a moment alone and are able to forge a connection. I love We Meet Like This At Least Once and it's honestly so aggravating that the only other fics on ao3 under the tag are porn involving one of Xander's siblings in some way, for some reason, and seemingly have absolutely nothing to do with Odin being drawn to Xander's strength of mind, body, and character and the tenderness he embodies with those he trusts and loves nor with Xander getting to see him as the competent, profound, and thoughtful man he is and growing to find his theatrics a welcome familiarity that brightens the moods of those around him and alleviates some of the stress that weighs heavy on his shoulders >:/ Anyway this became a rant whoops but I simply wanted to tell you that I am eternally grateful for your wonderful writing and carrying this rarepair and ask if you've ever thought about how slowly or quickly their relationship would develop after your fic or how you think they may get together in a canonverse setting

(referring to this fic) 🥺🥺 I love!! Rarepairs!! And I'm really glad you liked "We Meet Like This At Least Once" and had fun with it! Because even though that fic was written in 2017, I had fun writing it and honestly would like to see more Xander/Odin fic where nobody expects that to work and keeps assuming they're with someone else or single, but they are wrong. Anyway, I reread my old fics sometimes and thank you for reminding me about this one. :D

Regarding your question of "if you've ever thought about how slowly or quickly their relationship would develop after your fic or how you think they may get together in a canonverse setting," I think in canonverse, Xander/Odin would bond like in the Gay Fates Hack, wherein they meet over swordsmanship and then get to know each other as people through that. In the fic-verse that I wrote specifically (and ignoring any other AUs that could happen), I showed how they got together. In terms of their relationship developing over time, I imagine there would be an engagement in two years or less. I don't know if Owain pays attention to the passage of time; more so his feelings, and they're already pretty solid about how they feel about each other. Owain liked Xander since he was a kid (childhood crush nurtured into love) and Xander, though his feelings took longer for Owain to grow, recognized those feelings within himself a few months before confessing. With this in mind and having grown up together, they have a solid base to work with already.

First few months of the relationship are getting used to each other in a romantic context + getting to know what each other wants out of the future on a deeper level (kids or no kids, what type of living arrangement would work best for them, what does their financial future look like, etc.) and then the next year or so is routine (and not so different from how their friend & family dynamic worked before, though obviously they have to make much more of an effort to see each other now due to their different schedules. Plus the ups and downs of Owain working + rewriting his book for publication while Xander works hard in the office and probably stays late a lot. So I think the time apart would be their biggest hurdle.)

The one difference between them I could see is that if Owain got the idea to take things further first, he'd suggest living together so it wouldn't be so hard to see each other, whereas Xander, raised a bit more formally, would probably have a ring and propose first and say "let's move in together as fiances/as a newlywed couple." A proposal may come as a surprise to some by that point, but Xander would point out that a year and a half/two years is a common amount of time for couples to wait to propose + they already have known each other much longer than that. So what are they waiting for? This would solve so many problems. And Owain would agree in this universe, I think.

Thank you for asking! :D

[theoryfan205]

Edit and warning I guess: I don't like this fic, I don't think I wrote this that good and I'm only keeping it up for records sake, so read at your own risk

"so, this festival is called Halloween?"

The thick air of autumn blew across the island of awakening, acorns island now technically but the old name always stuck with him. The trees all turning orange and red, the cold breeze that reminded him of being on the boat, he had to admit it was a favourite ever since he first saw the change

"Yeah! Everyone dresses up as monsters and decorates all spooky like. During the night people go out dressed up and get free sweets! It started ages ago, when people didn't like monsters that much. They showed up a lot on this day so everyone started dressing like them to blend in. Eventually it stopped happening as edrick and his friends did their thing but the tradition stayed!"

Malroth smirked as his builder explained away, talking quietly but fast as she hung more of those dracky drawings on their shared house. Frequently switching her attention between hanging the decorations and looking at Malroth.

"Well then, we'll have this in the bag! You can dress up as some of these sweets you cooked up and I can do this!"

Within a moment it all changed, with a triumphant smile hairs turned into horns, hands into claws, alot of claws, his size grew Just enough to tower over everyone on the island, and just in the nick of time too as his builder slipped and fell off the pumpkin she decided to use as a stool. Honestly she can build one whenever she wants, she doesn't need to risk falling over this

"M-malroth?"

"Haha! You're sure clumsy today! Here-since I'm taller let me do the decorating, I can reach without falling!"

With two hands and his snake tail he held acorn safely as he used his four other arms to continue hanging the dracky decorations, smiling with a wicked grin as he went along

"There we go! All finished! You should have asked for help in the first place you know, with your height you'd need two pumpkins to actually reach up there!"

Laughing again he set acorn down safely on the ground near their house as he shrank and six arms became two, horns became hair, claws became two hands. He opened his eyes to smile at his builder, only to see her looking at him with half relief

"C'mon Malroth-"

"Hey wait-"

"Let's go see what everyone is dressing up as!"

Before he can do anything acorn has grabbed his hand and started pulling him down the stairs, rushing over to the green gardens, every house was decorated with similar decorations, webs and drackys, some black sabrecubs and stray spiders.

Every person wore some kind of costume, Rosie was dressed up as a magus, perry had a simple costume, just some black sabrecat ears and drawn on whiskers. Though he couldn't fault him for not being able to put the effort in, he already looked terrified of Rosie's costume! Let alone all the decorations!

Before he could laugh at the situation he was quickly pulled to a stop, returning his attention to acorn he saw that she had found someone to talk to, specifically Hellen and Jules, the two monsters wearing human masks instead of costumes like everyone else.

"Hi guys! What are you dressed up as?"

"You guys aren't even dressed up! Though I guess we don't need to, we're already monsters!"

Acorn always spoke a little quietly, so Malroth always tried to relay what she said, though even with her quiet voice he could hear something wrong in how she spoke, he didn't do something did he?

"Honorable acorn! Almighty Malroth! I have gathered the monsters of this fair island and we have decided to join in, since we can not dress as monsters we have decided to dress up as humans instead! I have gone with my apprentice Rosie, her potential is enough to be feared by all!"

"AnD iM gOINg aS BAbs! hEr zHOoSy VAdA IS uNA I hAD tO tROll FOr! iM SuRE tO gEt aLL tHe gOOdIEs thIS yEAr!"

"I'm sure you are! Both your costumes look great! I haven't got mine ready yet but I'm working on it"

"Yeah, sure you are, the costumes look decent enough for masks that's for sure! Acorn still hasn't got her costume ready but I've got mine! Check this out!"

With a toothy smile he extended his arm as it quickly morphed into three arms, green scales and Sharp claws revealed themselves as he showed off his arms, ever since he learnt that his god powers were back he figured out how to change forms and he's been loving it! Showing off whenever he can

"Almighty malroth! It is truly a blessing to be able to see your powers in action, this is a momentous event to witness!"

"THaTs iMPreSsiVE! YOU'rE CaTChiNG oN qUiCKly wItH hOW tO USe thAT MALRotH!"

He flexed his arms at the praise, smirking as he turned to his side

"What do you think a-"

The words died in his throat as he turned over and noticed his builder wasn't there, looking around he quickly spotted her near the cliffside of the green gardens, turning briefly back to the two before quickly running off after her, Hellen nodding after him as he ran, quickly skidding to a stop next to the ledge and in turn, acorn.

"Acorn? What's wrong? Is the holiday not going well? If someone's been mean to you just say the word and i-"

"It's nothing Malroth. Its.. it's me, I'm the one Making this dumb, it's nobody else's fault"

She sat on the cliff, curling her legs up onto herself, he slowly sat himself down next to her, grabbing her hand and holding it, rubbing circles into the back of it with his thumb

"You're not stupid, you're my builder and no one is allowed to insult you but me!... can you tell me what's wrong? You're not at fault, the only thing you've done is help, acorn. You've brought this holiday here, you helped make this place real and you're my best friend. I want to help, please let me."

She looked over at him, fear in her eyes as she let out a breath, tightly holding his hand

"I'm scared, Malroth. I'm scared that I'm going to lose you like on malhalla. I tried so hard to get back to you and... I was too late, I promised to help you, to beat the sense back into you but... I did it too hard, Malroth. You were... You..."

Their positions quickly changed as she started crying, he went from rubbing her hand to pulling her closer to him and hugging her as best he could, rubbing circles on her back as she sobbed into his shoulder. He heard loud and clear in his ear what she said next

"I killed you. You died because I couldn't save you"

"I was so scared, I'm still scared, Malroth. I can't do that again... What if... What if it happens again and i kill you? What if you don't come back... And it's all because of me?"

She hiccuped and sobbed as she spoke, his hug got tighter as she went on, he didn't know she was suffering like this... When did this start?

"Acorn, look at me, I'm alive. I'm in control, hargon is gone. I'm not going to ever be like that again, and I'm never going to blame you for hurting me if I ever get like that, you promised me remember? You'd stop me if I ever stopped being myself, I'm never going to blame you for that. I wanted you to do it, I'd rather die then hurt you and the world you love, and I'm never going to hurt you again, you're never going to have to hurt me again. I swear. We're safe, acorn, it's over..."

The two held each other as the fireworks flew and exploded in the sky above, knowing they'd never be apart again.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Ignore the typos and potential character errors I did not have the time to check the game for how Hellen and Jules spoke, it's like 11 pm and I'm exhausted. this was for the weeks dqb2ber theme of sweets and goodies, I think I did terrible so I'm doing something else on the end of the week day, the theme was exactly the reason I included Jules, as a goodybag it felt obvious. I always thought the builder would probably have their own trauma from having to fight and thinking they killed their best friend, I know I was destroyed during those few moments before the high five happened, so we've got some acorn trauma! Also including the idea that eventually Malroth gets to switch between human and monster form, it's dope I rest my case. I hope you enjoyed the read!

[bailey-the-narrator]

Chapter 2: Continue reading?

It's been an hour since Bailey discovered his character, particularly Stanley, can talk. And Bailey has dug more information for Stanley's origin, taking the opportunity of the other's constant rambling.

One, Stanley is a...concept of creativity. Or that's theoretically what he said.

Stanley is a special case. An anomaly that shouldn't exist, yet he might be the first one to witness one of these anomalies revealing itself by accident.

He's kind of feeling insulted because his plan for his story is apparently boring enough for this anomaly to protest.

This anomaly's task is to help writers with stories without giving any suspicion, supposedly giving them inspiration.

Second, Stanley, specifically, is a flawed anomaly.

He gave himself out instead of letting himself into a moldable character, and now he is telling him this...phenomenon that he never realized existed.

"You're actually the 209th person to get my help..." Stanley hesitates to tell the voice the truth, "...technically, yeah. I'm helping you! Be grateful!"

Is that a reassurance? Is that supposed to be a reassurance?

"You failed so much you have to go through 208 attempts of helping?"

And Bailey's remark hits the vital spot, it seems.

4 pings in a row. Coming from his laptop.

There is silence forming between the voice and Stanley. It's deafening, yet the man's anger is very much noticeable.

"I DON'T FAIL!" Stanley snaps back. His scream echoes through the office room that he's in. "I NEVER FAILED!! SHUT UP!!"

Stanley's fists were shaking with anger, tears forming in the corner of his eyes.

Stanley is doing his best, holding his composure and the last bits of his sanity.

Ouch, that hits home. Bailey now feels a bit guilty for saying it.

But Stanley is so annoying, Bailey!

He's not that annoying. He's more of someone who's struggling with himself.

It reminds him of...himself. Kind of.

"Hey, sorry about that, Stan..." Bailey gives the laptop a small yet apologetic bow. "Got a bit too harsh on you. Take it slow with me, okay? We'll figure out how we can work on your story together."

Sniffles can be heard from the young man. "...Sorry. For letting my emotions get onto me."

Bailey chuckles out loud. "No, you have all the right to be pissed at me. I know how you feel." He instinctively pats the top of his laptop screen. "I need a slap from reality, it keeps me in check."

Stanley lets out a breathy laugh, wiping his tears. "Trying to humble yourself wouldn't make me like you more."

"Jokes on you for thinking I'm likable." The writer gives a teasing smile. "People dislike me for many things, unfortunately. Being humble and honest are both my strengths and weaknesses, often."

Both fall into silence. No pings from Stanley.

None of them talk to each other for the rest of the day after that.

It's a comfortable silence, at least for Bailey.

———

Bailey wakes up to multiple ping noises from his laptop in the morning, somehow louder than yesterday.

The writer rubs his eyes and puts on his glasses, then drags himself out of bed to check on Stanley.

"Morning, Narrator..." Stanley lets out a loud yawn after sleeping on a stray table. Nobody is in this office, anyway. Stanley can do whatever he wants. "It's 5 AM, you should wake up..."

"Narrator?" He asks for the voice in his head to respond, yet he receives no answer.

"Maybe I'm too early to wake him up." He shrugs before grabbing his nonexistent co-worker's towel from one of the desks' drawers. "Let's see if I can take a proper shower. I haven't taken a bath for years..."

"NARRATOR!! WAKE UP!!" The man jumps up and down, soaking wet from his attempt to bathe himself in the office toilet. "IT'S 6 AM!! MORNING FOR YOU!!"

...That is. A drastic character development, coming from a character that he hasn't developed yet.

"I'm up, I'm up." Bailey sits down on the chair, facing the laptop once again. "I haven't even drawn what the office would look like, let alone making toilet. How you managed to find anything in there?"

Stanley shrugs, toweling himself dry. "Dunno. It's a very well-developed office scene, so I thought you had thought it out enough for it to appear."

Huh. Interesting.

Bailey pushes a lot of his initial hypothesis aside. "Anyway, I can't work on your story today, I'm sorry." He gets up from his chair, undressing himself from his pajama. "I have work today. My part-time schedule, as usual."

Stanley perks up. "Job, you say?" He sounds interested.

"Cafe downstairs. They're often busy on fridays and weekends." He buttons up his white shirt. "Many of their regulars seem to like me for reasons I do not know of."

"Because you're hot?"

That response sounds gay, Bailey.

It's accurate, though.

"...Mayhaps."

Stanley bursts into laughter while dressing himself back into his uniform. "Oh my god, have people ever said that to you?? While you work???"

"...Sometimes. Just once in a while."

Another cackle comes out. "Good to know my Narrator is Mr. Popular, HAH!"

"Shut or I won't work on you, gremlin."

[sapphos-darlings]

is there a way to be somewhat sure of what your sexuality is when you haven't actually been in a relationship with anyone yet?

unfortunately i spent quite a good part of my teens on the internet and generally stuck inside, due to the pandemic and mental health issues, so again unfortunately i am quite terminally online lol.

when i was younger and to this day i spent a lot of time consuming/reading about lgbt related topics, getting somewhat involved in some online communities, etc, so i'm afraid that spending so much time on that during my formative years may have caused me to unconsciously fabricate my attraction to women as a way to feel included. i feel like i can't trust my feelings, bc how can i know if they're genuine or products of me essentially psy-oping myself into trying to be something i'm not?

i understand that i should probably give it time, let real experiencies with real people tell, but this uncertainty kills me because this is incredibly important to my life. i need to know if i'll ever have to come out to my parents, whether i'll live a "normative" (for the lack of a better word) life or not, whether all that time i spent was me finding myself or invading spaces never meant for me as a confused teen.

really sorry for the long rambly ask and the personal stuff, i wish i could simplify it but idk how to. thank you in advance, and a good day/night to the mods <3

Hey there!

First off - you haven't been invading spaces, or taking up resources, or fabricating anything. Finding yourself is a key part of one's teen years, and questioning people have always walked hand in hand with the LGBT community. It's okay to question! None of us would be here if we hadn't. Now, that said, I think you're getting up on the wrong foot here.

Let's take a person in a friend group that loves chocolate ice cream. The person walking in hasn't made up their mind about chocolate ice cream, but suddenly, it's the talk of the town. Everyone around them is talking about chocolate ice cream and the new kinds of chocolate ice cream the shop in town sells, like, oh my god did you try out the flavour with hazelnuts in it?? And this person goes with their friend group to have ice creams at the shop, and of course they try out the chocolate ice cream, since it's been hyped so much.

Now... how do you feel, as the friend who tried out the chocolate ice cream? Did you hate it, or just find it kind of nasty, but because your friends loved it you figured it's kind of part of the experience, that that's part of the appeal of chocolate ice cream that it kind of feels foreign to be eating it, and you'd rather be having mint? Or did you go, wow, this is actually pretty good, wow, I like this ice cream, if I came here all on my own I might order this again? Or would you, coming to the shop alone, only buy that ice cream because you feel that your friends might find it weird if you didn't buy chocolate ice cream?

See, you can't really lie to yourself about what you like. There's an instinctive reaction of oh, god that happens one way or the other when you're tasting something. If you dig women, and feel fuzzy and excited at the thought of women, and like thinking of women and daydreaming about women, and you find yourself drawn to women in media and around you, going, "wow she's so pretty", maybe even "wow I'd like to kiss her", or "I'd love to wake up in the morning to have her sitting in my kitchen like she belongs there", the chances are that this is just who you are, and this is natural to you. If your gut reaction is more along the line of... well, women are pretty, sure, but I don't have any particular interest in touching them or being close to them, and the thought of them doesn't really make me feel any way in particular, it's all just, meh, whatever, then you probably aren't interested in women. And, of course, if you think about women and go, "good lord this is kind of gross, I'm gonna think about something else now", that's a good sign that you're really not attracted to women at all.

You don't need to try people out like food to know that you like them, actually. People are more like shoes - even if one pair doesn't fit you, you already know by the looks of it that you like them. Like, wow, this pair feels like shit when I'm wearing it, but I love the looks of it, so I'm going to keep looking for ones like these that actually fit me. Similarly, as you grow and age, you might come to decide that the type of shoes you liked before is past you now, and you're moving on to a different look next. It's similar with people.

Most importantly: if you're expecting a grand revelation upon entering a relationship with someone, you probably won't find it there. Attraction, or lack thereof, predates official statements. If you enter a relationship with someone you don't feel a particular way about before, you'll continue feeling that way after, and at worst because you didn't really care, all that added expectation will just make you aversed to them and the relationship as a whole. Sex with someone you're not sure about won't give you a big revelation, aside from whether you like or don't like or want sex with that particular person. Interest, attraction, is an innate experience, not an external one. So you can find yourself sitting inside in front of your screen all your life the same you can find yourself out there in the world, making mistakes with real people while you try to read your own inner dialogue. Neither path guarantees that you'll end up on the right track.

Finally - whether you have to worry about coming out tomorrow, as important as it feels to you to feel secure in your life today, is actually not important. You can work towards making it a possibility, making it safer, by making clear to the people around you that you support and embrace LGBT rights and are open to these experiences. You can work towards better legislation, safety and security for LGBT people now, so if you have to join the ranks tomorrow, it'll be a world in which you feel more comfortable doing so then. But right now, there's no foolproof, fast track way to figure yourself out. We're on this journey our whole lives, and sometimes hearing your inner voice and understanding your feelings takes a long time. You can't hurry up your own development, your own life experience. It all comes to you with time.

[honoringthehorrific]

I watched X (2022) after Pearl (2022) and here's what I thought...

Lord have mercy it's been a while hasn't it? Lets churn out one for the new year! As always: Spoilers under the cut! <3

I'm gonna do this one differently than my usual reviews since I haven't seen the movie in a while, instead of my typical play by play I'm gonna just tell you what I thought and talk about specific scenes. Now, I know this movie was the first in the series, but I was more drawn to the look of the prequel, and I hadn't heard much promo for this movie until my dad watched it alone and boasted to me about it being one of the most fucked movies he's ever seen and I knew I had to watch it. I will say if you're going into this movie expecting some super disturbing gore-fest...Prepare to be disappointed. Don't get me wrong AT ALL the blood and effects are beautiful and i thought the amount of violence was perfect. However don't be fooled. Anyone who says this movie is gross or disturbing or fucked up may just be echoing the point the movie is trying to make.

This movie is about getting older, its about sex and porno and being free but I genuinely think the main focus is getting older.

When we meet pearl she sees herself reflected in Maxine and that's made painfully clear by the choice to cast Mia Goth as BOTH Pearl and Maxine. Pearl consistently watches Maxine almost out of jealousy but I would even argue out of mourning...She's seeing this girl come to her home, This beautiful girl who looks just like her when she was her age, making those movies the projectionist showed her when she was younger. Seeing this girl with a boyfriend who wants to make her a star, with friends...I imagine its painful to a degree...

Pearl repeatedly expresses sexual desires she still has but can't act on them because she's too old...Harold's heart can't take the strain sex would put on it and she has no other outlets as the young adults are either disgusted with her and reject her advances (RJ and Max) or treat her as if she's a child. (Bobby Lynne) I loved these characters so much. While it pays homage to one of my all time favorite slashers, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, It isn't like your typical slasher. These kids are lovable. These kids you want to see make it...Except maybe Wayne. You get snippets of their personalities and their motives as time goes on: Bobby Lynne wants to be a star like the other girls but also she thought about becoming a nurse because her nanna used to get confused. Jackson is a Vietnam vet who actually shows Howard immense respect unlike the typical rude kid persona we see in movies like these. RJ wants to make serious movies and is a cinema buff but he also cares a lot about his girlfriend Lorraine. Lorraine, while being the typical "pure" virgin character, also wants to join in and experience something new. Maxine came from an Evangelical christian household and seems to be escaping that constricting life with Wayne. One thing that I think is incredibly sad is when people mention how "fucked up" this movie is, the focus seems to center not on the gore or effects but...on the fact that it displays the elderly in a sexual light and wanting to still have sex. It's interesting because even in the movie, despite certain characters discounting the elderly couple (Wayne mentions something a long the lines of Harold forgetting how to use his dick) there is this scene where Bobby-Lynne is explaining things to Lorraine, and it's not a main focus in her statement, but she says that in the sex industry nothing matters, gay, straight, your race, or your age. I think we have a really idealized version of MILFs and Cougars, Older women with sexual desires, when we forget that often those "Older women" can look like pearl...

I thought the underlying message of even the elderly can want love and sex was sort of romantic and beautiful? I wish more people picked up on it and I'm certain I'm not the only one who did. It's just strange talking to anyone i know in person who saw this movie talk about it like it's so nasty and grotesque when it seems like the gore is somewhat minimal compared to the typical slashers I know these people watch? Now that's not to discount the effects AT ALL I loved what we did see when we saw it, RJ's blood spatter on the headlights, Wayne getting his eyeballs gouged out (that one actually made me cringe in my seat!) All of these were done pretty well while at the same time having this sort of....at home feel? I'm really not ragging on them i love practical effects and i don't know how much of this was practical but some of the effects feel like someone did it by hand, It felt akin to watching a movie from the 80s vs one modernly. Which honestly could have been the feel that they were going for.

The ending was sooo good too. I loved finding out that Maxine had some sort of tie back to this TV preacher we keep seeing. I loved the scene where she repeats him and you can hear on the TV him speak before her, "Say it with me now!" The one thing I don't like is how pearl turns on her at the end? Calling her a whore and what not however, I don't think this is out of character for pearl, she has a lot of outbursts like this in her prequel movie, the one that i can think of mainly is the scarecrow scene if you've seen Pearl (P.S. if you haven't oh my god?? go watch it?? even if you hated X I think Pearl is a reaaaally good stand alone film!) I do think it was fitting even if i didn't particularly like it. The end where Max drives off, hitting pearl on the way seems soooo fitting too. The comparison of pearl and max through the movie, their confrontation at the end where max wins and hits her with the truck after she falls and breaks her hip...It feels fitting maybe because of how the elderly and the young butt heads...Maybe how the young typically come out the end because the elderly pass away...I don't know maybe I'm reaching too far on this one. Over all a pretty good movie, I'd give it a 7/10 just because it seems like for how people hyped it up and the trailers hyped it up the gore and story elements just didn't scream at me that this was a fucked up movie. It definitely feels like a weaker movie compared to pearl, pearl worked so good as a stand alone film and I feel like X had potential to be that good? I think this was still a very good movie! I recommend it :) --- Post Notes: I'm sorry this one took so long. It's been a while since I actually watched X and I was really worried about this review not being as solid or as consistent as my pearl one. I think it's still all over the place but I wanted to give you guys this because i think there's at least a handful of people that I've kept waiting on this :) If I missed anything and you wanna pick my brain on it I'll respond to any asks or any replies (Note replies are gonna get responses from my main account @playboycreature cause this is a side blog)

[neon-lights-stardust-nights]

Tell me about your dynamic with Elias! I’d love to hear about it

Ah, that's kinda like... Half the problem, I suppose.

There isn't a whole ton to hear about?

I've seen a lot of other self shippers, and I haven't heard anyone openly talk about this? So I'm assuming out of one of my many disorders, I am having a Prime Time Symptom. Either way: I have a really hard time just writing a ship.

This is normally fine? I just end up getting really into conceptualizing the lead-up to the ship, and that's fun itself! The other component to this is that I have a really hard time changing what's already been written, unless I honest to god hate it. I think Scenecore Mad Max's Adventures only transitioned so well into something else, because there was genuine lore development in F94G's (note for the unaware: my main madcom s/i) lore that needed addressing. The core dynamic did shift some, but it was to account for that.

That's really been the only time I've been able to do all that, and then go back and change it. (I promise that this is going somewhere.) S/I is made, backstory is established, things are written/drawn, ect. Oroboros eating its... Ship? It's the repeat of how my ships develop.

This is context for the fact that Elias and Sanya don't really have... A dynamic. Exactly.

What ships get based off of is kinda random. Sometimes its a projection ship from the same fandom, a trope I saw in passing that my brain hooked onto, y'know. Something outside of myself. I'm not super good at conceptualizing ship dynamics otherwise.

Sanya and Elias were originally based off JonElias (note: I tried to cram them into being JonElias for ease of access.) Needless to say, it didn't stick. My projection character of choice (Michael Distortion) doesn't really interact with Elias... Ever? Nor is he shipped with him, not even as a crack ship. Those like 2 or 3 fics of it on a03 are all by me. (Unless?? I started something??)

But even beyond that it has taken me about a year or two to even have a stable s/i. I have ran through so many for TMA in general, let alone the ship canon where Sanya is specifically with Elias. I went through concepts related to myself in-system (I'm a Bakeneko mythic,) concepts related to things in the show I latched onto (a Leitner was a recurring feature for a long time,) to sometimes just throwing darts at random concepts and praying my brain stuck with it (usually "what if Sanya was avatar of [x], with [x] changing every now and again.)

Needless to say, that process might not actually be over, because I don't know how much I like the current concept either. TMA has been particularly challenging to self-insert into. I compare it to carving a place out with a small shovel, to plant myself among the other characters. TMA feels like all its roots are too close together, and its hard to find a pleasing place to even poke my spade at.

(The current concept is someone touched by each entity, but instead of ascending to a terrible-no-good-godhood like Jon later does... Fae is just in an avatar limbo, unaware fae is even supernatural (despite being like... around Jonah's age.) It's a meta commentary on how much development hell Sanya has gone through in TMA, and I thought that was funny.)

All of this in mind: Elias (or really any other TMA f/o) has been... Difficult. Oddly enough, though, Elias has been the most difficult. Between all the people screaming from the heavens that he's unrepentant garbage and "why do people like him," and all the people who begrudgingly include him in their content JUST to make fun of him... Somewhere in all the discourse, it was even harder to stab a shovel into anywhere to clear room for myself.

I think it's kinda warped my perception of what the ship could even be, because the closest I can come to conceptualizing a dynamic between Sanya and Elias is one pursuing the other, but the other being lividly, meanly not into the other. It's genuinely like distressing as fuck.

Hence the seeking of reader content I can enjoy, I kinda hoped that I could try to use that to correct my perception of a Sanya/Elias dynamic. I only read smutt though, and basically all of it is afab in some fashion. So I can't read it.

So anyway sorry for dumping pandora's box on your lap, but you've caught me at a stressful time and inadvertently asked about a stressful ship.

[forevermorgue]

ATTENTION TUMBLR! I'M DOING 5 FREE DRAWINGS FOR YOU!

Okay, so I've never officially drawn for another person here on tumblr. I haven't legitimately made anything in actual YEARS. Since well before COVID. I've done a couple doodles here and there, but that's all.

I'd like to change that. I've been stuck in a depressive rut for far too long in general, let alone anything creative, so I'd like your help! I'm not doing anything super big, but I'd like to expend my drawing range, so if you could keep reading, I'd appreciate it! 😀

(second pic is better I promise!)

This is one of the doodles I mentioned earlier. I made this little guy in February 2021. It's scratchy and off-putting somewhat, but this was the first pic I'd drawn in roughly 3-5 years at that point.

Next is the first time I've drawn him since, made not even an hour ago, April 2024.

Even just doing the occasional doodles over the last few years, my fingers are genuinely starting to remember how to art properly.

At the moment I'm just using pencil and paper, but as I get more confidence, I'd like to expand to using a tablet. But that requires actually drawing semi-regularly. That's where you come in!

I'd like it if you could reblog this with either a picture of your original character/critter, or a brief description of what you'd like!

I'm not doing anything super complicated, no backgrounds or colors for now. Just something I can sketch out and have done in a day or two because I AM an adult with responsibilities.

It may just be a head-shot or bust, it may be full body but minimalistic, or somethis else, but that's part of why it's gonna be free. The first 5 people to give me something to work with shall get a free random pic of their own little guy!

(Quick addendum. This is a pro LGBTQIA+ blog, especially since I'm part of multiple letter groups myself. I won't do anything that promotes hate against the queer community and I won't promote racism. I may add to this list later.)

Thank you in advance~💙

[feuqueerfire]

Be My Favorite Live Blogging

Haven't been really watching shows and haven't watched anything long since literally August but now that it's nearing the end of the semester and I have big, big projects due that I'm not close to being done, clearly it's the correct time to watch this.

I've been anticipating this for so long, I hope I love it.

Ep 1 (Nov 23)

1-1

hijabi side character

12 years after 1st year, so are they 30 years old now?

not Pisaeng being a liar! lol

1-2

oh yeah, Kawi is a translator!

the time travel has started

1-3

omg him getting a call from his dad and going to see him and hug him T.T because his dad passed away in real life T.T

oh the first time travel iteration, i'm having fun

"Do you like me? [...] What should I think?"

1-4

The way Kawi has already begun to act unlike himself and getting out of his shell like with Pisaeng in the locker room and dancing drunk in the bar, even if it involves first stealing Pisaeng's clothes and next his money

Fun start!

Ep 2 (Nov 24)

2-1

ohh okay so doing that takes you to the same moment as when you twisted it? both in the present and past

2-2

Ahh, his time travel affecting the current timeline, he's now besties with Pisaeng and isn't a recluse

2-3

Kawi's repeatedly using Pisaeng's money and whining is offputting. like i fully know that a large portion of his inferiority complex comes from the lack of money and how he thinks that people think of him poorly because of it but omg it's so ew

2-4

I would hate to be in Pear's situation so much omg she was hoping to get have lunch with the guy she's known for a while + probably has a crush on and now he's left her at this restaurant with some random dude who has definitely been trying to get closer to her... rip but she's being nice about it

ah, the kissing the best man on the day of the wedding

the coming-back-to-win-prize is extremely expected lol

Krist's expressions are too much fr, reminds me why I don't like certain slap-stick cartoonish jBLs. paired with the whining? please I need it to lessen over time

Ep 3 (Nov 24)

3-1

Pear inviting a friend as soon as she realized Pisaeng had ditched and now she's having lunch alone with this guy who could misconstrue this as a date, exactly so true

For all my ehh feelings about Khai's mannerisms, the way he says "Then who do you like? O.O" is so good

3-4

I know the point is that Kawi is unlikeable and doesn't quite know how to navigate people or relationships but he's supposed to grow throughout the show but man he bothers me fr like the way he keeps being cruel to Pisaeng is just. I know it's cuz he doesn't want Pisaeng to fall for him and leave Pear on their wedding day but it's like girl...

actually more than just terating him shitty, it bothers me that every time Kawi acts like he doesn't get why Pisaeng is hurt. "Oh just this hurt you?" "Why are you mad?" etc

loll the lottery ticket thing is so true

I was whatever about Gawin in Not Me and wasn't really someone I wasn't someone I was drawn to in general but I really like him in this role! Hot boy Pisaeng let's go

Ep 4 (Nov 25)

4-1

The way Kawi wears his backpack only on one shoulder bothers me cuz it doesn't look light

4-2

broo Kawi put your fucking backpack on properly like the whole game whatever is dumb and annoying obviously but don't be silly

I hate these confession things so much, fuck Not for real. ofc it's a lot of pressure on Kawi to confess but I also hate these things that definitely pressure the girl into feeling like she has to say yes

4-3

okayy at least they're all leaving the two of them together, rather than witnessing the confession but I kinda thought they were gonna film him get rejected or smth

oh lmfao they're eavesdropping on him knowing he'd get rejected such bastards

I knowww the point is that Kawi has many shortcomings but goddamn being 30 in a freshman's body and still making stupid decisions is so annoying to watch, why are you going to the nightclub rn bffr and he knows Not is an asshold, he almost slipped up when he tried to make Not and Pisaeng go back to being friends so why is he hanging around Not still smh

Not stop trying to get a girl to sleep with a drunk Kawi omg

4-4

annoying, including what Pisaeng is saying

although drunk Kawi jumping past!Pisaeng for the crimes for current Pisaeng is funny though, Pisaeng is confused as hell

ah Pisaeng gay and avoidant

Damn, Kawi really got Pisaeng to confess to Pear that he doesn't like her and never will, good job

wait... Pear asking to sit with Kawi... knowing that she doesn't have a chance with Pisaeng... are we gonna get groom Kawi in the new future?

bro wtf he's not going to go back to the present? how are you not curious enough smh but I guess he doesn't know that Pisaeng said no to Pear

Ep 5 (Nov 25)

5-1

Oh, he wants to accomplish his last goal of dating Pear or whatever before going back...

oh Pisaeng taken with seeing boys kissing at the club he works at

5-2

ahh Pisaeng going to the gay club!

aww him running out as soon as he saw Max and got recognized

ah Max good head

5-3

I don't want Kwan to be nice to Nott, she's too good for him

I don't quite agree with Max because what do you mean people don't care or gossip or talk about where you go and what you do

lol did Kwan being nice to Nott make Nott be nice to Kawi. will it last

not Kawi running to meet Pisaeng and actually apologizing gj

Pisaeng really confessed

5-4

Corny scene of Kawi and Pisaeng but better than the whining

damn singer Kawi

oh the next episode has the drunk scene with Kawi asking why Pisaeng likes him... it's in every edit + trailer I think

Ep 6 (Nov 26)

6-1

lol is a business tycoon that good to watch, Max?

Pear whining to her dad to treat Kawi's father is so... eh? idk it's a serious topic but idk

oh damn the dinner with Pear's father is going really sideways

Pisaeng shouldn't have told Pear but that's one thing, I don't think Pear also shouldn't have just started talking about Kawi's dad to her dad without consulting him

but also was Kawi planning on asking Pear's dad without telling Pear beforehand?

Kawi's little drunk ramble here is pretty good

6-2

wtf why is Nott being cute and smiley to Pear...

oh the drunk Kawi and Pisaeng kissing

what are we doing why are we unbuttoning the drunk guy's shirt bro

okay sorry I think this would've been better if I though Kawi was attractive

not Kawi falling asleep omg pls

6-3

she may be a capitalist businesswoman but at least she supports queer people and her son being queer

oh my bad spoke too soon! she's like keep it quietttt

oh so Nott is there to tell Pear he thinks Kawi isn't straight?

lol not the time-travelling sleep-talking

crying why didn't Pisaeng shut Kawi up quicker

6-4

oh Pisaeng has become bold

Ep 7 (Nov 26)

7-1

ahhh tragic the way Pisaeng

aw, I'm proud of Kawi, mans really accomplishing his goals

girl what kaljdsfkljadsf omg

7-2

so how does memory work here? Does Kawi just know the lyrics even though it's a song he never learned in a life he hasn't lived?

but i'm assuming there's still stuff wrong with his life and him being so happy is out of character?

girl not Nott D: Pear no

oh nooo Pear and Kawi had been dating but he's been putting her through it?

Can they show what actually lead to Kawi and Pear's breakup?

omg ? did Kawi cheat on Pear with Pisaeng or smth?

7-3

omg Nott is suchhh a dickhead, how is he getting both Kwan and Pear smhhh

girl so you're pregnant, get an abortion plsss ik it's not as easy as i'm saying it but T.T tying yourself to Nott for life?

okay at least Kawi didn't cheat on Pear, he just didn't wanna marry her and settle down

7-4

I guess Kawi let Pisaeng be true to himself but leading him to discover him being gay?

ahh Pisaeng giving Kawi gift for his "confession" anniversary even 8 years down the line, how are you so down bad omg Kawi and Pisaeng are both kings of holding onto crushes, though at least Pisaeng has been around Kawi this whole time, unlike Kawi having like no contact with Pear lol

Okay my confession is that Nott and Kwan are both very attractive to me and kinda want to see them play a couple together

Ep 8 (Nov 27)

8-1

tragic reaction to the kiss

so did Kawi often kiss Pisaeng while drunk? and forget or what?

8-2

aw man the dad died right away

i mean... Pisaeng's mom isn't wrong here tbh

dang, Kawi gave Pisaeng his diary

I feel like Kawi should've given Pisaeng some more concrete proof ngl

8-3

forever gotta love a queer ralley or info session or whatever in a BL

plsss not all this dramatics while Pisaeng prlly just dropping his mother off at the airport but i suppose it'll move Kawi along in his feelings bravery journey

8-4

girl not the time travel man almost getting to Pisaeng's car

Ep 9 (Nov 28)

9-1

is the writer or director of this show a child of divorce with a shitty mother who is obsessed with her work and never there for her kid or smth? because pear, kawi, pisaeng all have separated parents, pear and kawi love and are in contact with their fathers while their mothers left for work and a diff family respectively. pisaeng is living with his mom technically but she's also never there and busy with her work. we could've at least examined why women are forced into these scenarios for at least 1 situation instead of having 3 shitty moms for no reason lmao

9-2

agh Not is a problem fr

idk i kinda don't care about Kawi and Pisaeng cuteness negl even though I feel like I should be having fun with it... I'm just kinda bored of this show rip even though it's like objectively not bad and probably not actually boring

9-3

bro Not isn't just calling Pear but discussing it with a group in public, get fucked fr

aw Pear

9-4

Kwan needs to get over Nott and Pear needs to not entertain him either aghhh this fucker

Kwan is so pretty fr I cannot see her like Nott fr T.T and Nott is nicef to look at too, why can't he be a decent guy

ah Pear asking Nott to not tell anybody, she's kind but he's an asshole who's already told everybody so

and at least she's not falling for him, yes a win

At first I was watching this show on 1.25 but I started doing 1.5x because I kinda want it to be done

Ep 10 (Nov 28/29)

10-1

Nott pushing Kwan like that??? die

10-2

hehe making up with friends Pear and Max

awwww this tragic Pisaeng moment with his mother

ohh so the mother approved finally

10-3

Kawi is a 30 year old virgin who figured out he likes guys also like a week ago so I understand why he's shy, its not out of character for him the way it is for many of the other BL characters but it's still so awkward T.T

just gonna ignore Max's response to possibly asexuality but whatever lol

[Linguistics] Oh, then discussing stopping gu/mueng and using Khun or smth instead because they're dating now

10-4

not even gonna lie, skipped the entire intimate scene thing because it's making me uncomfortable idk like it's not giving horniness vibes which is definitely fine, i love tender and sweet but for some reason it's giving me the ick here - maybe cuz I actually wanted it to go a different way of maybe not leading to sex and going in an ace route?

i saw a glimpse of the kissing and yeah not into it

Actually, I wonder if not watching anything risque or sexual in a show for the past few months has made me averse to it again? but idk bout that cuz I've been enjoying the Pit Babe edits lmfao (although the edits don't really show much actual NC content, just convos before or interactions)

Anyway 2 more episodes, I can do this. idk why i'm so meh about this show when I've been hoping to love it while many people who were so apprehensive about it like it way more than me

Ep 11 (Nov 29)

11-1

Aw Pear and her mother making up

having to skip through the continuation of the Kawi and Pisaeng sex scene to get to the interweaved character stories lmfao

11-2

Graduation gift? How fucking long has Kawi been living in the past

the compilation of Kawi and Pisaeng (+friends at Christmas) is cute, aw

11-3

wait Pearmai wedding invitation? Is this still in the past?

the constant Khun is so confusing now

11-4

I'm so confused by the passing of time this episode, ig it's been a few days since Kawi got sick?

ohhhh so the reason nothing happened with Pisaeng the first time is because it was his first time spinning the snowglobe so he's back there on his second try

omg just one more episode left, i'm so tired of this show i want it to be done

Ep 12 (Nov 30)

Last day of the month and I'm finally almost done whooo 1 last episode on 1.5x let's go

12-1

Ohh, nice choice to make Kawi reflect on not wanting to actually become famous

12-2

I don't get the aging thing either

Okay my bad I really skipped through this last ep to get the just of what's going on

Overall:

It is such a tragedy that despite looking forward to this show for so long and enjoying some aspects and moments, ultimately, it fell flat for me. I feel like a lot of this show was objectively done well like the character arcs and acting and stuff but I'm not attached to any of it. The romance didn't make me feel giddy even though I really wish it had like it's strange that I didn't care at all about all those cute moments Kawi and Pisaeng had or the established relationship montages when usually they're some of my favourite aspects of a BL. agh whatever ig at least the show didn't treat Pear terribly.

Rating: 5.5/10