#i haven't even actually watched it or read it i'm fried just from reading ABOUT it

[piscespetals]

summary: part 2 of a night out with sevika. read part one here.

content: nothing but lesbian yearning and fluff.

enjoy!

"So were you always a vegetarian?" Sevika asks.

"Not always. I lost a bet and had to follow the diet for two weeks. I ended up liking it enough to stick with it."

She fights off a smirk, taking a swig of her beer. "A fucking bet?"

Your body temperature rises from the scrutiny. "It's a bit unorthodox but..." You shrug helplessly. "It's been two years since then. At least that shows that I can keep my word."

She chuckles. "Touché."

You allow the air to envelop with silence as you take a bite of your burger. It really is good. You've quickly grown to realize that Sevika has a bit of an ego. The moment you mentioned how well you liked it, her head practically swelled up to the size of a balloon. But as much as you don't want to admit it, it's quite attractive.

"I can get a bit neurotic about vegetarian food, if I'm being honest. I've always thought about opening my own vegetarian restaurant one day. Veggie recipes are a huge passion of mine. I know it may sound a bit ridiculous to some people. But it's what I enjoy. I don't know..." You try to shove down the shame that accompanies that admission. The atmosphere becomes a bit too truthful for you to meet Sevika's gaze head on. But you do manage to see her shrug out of the corner of your eyes.

"We all get that way about something in our lives," Is her reply. "For me, I have an awful obsession with the Marvel universe. I've cosplayed some characters from there a few times."

You nearly choke on your fries.

You don't know much about Marvel but the idea of Sevika in a superhero costume is enough for you—

"Do you like Marvel?" She questions.

"I haven't watched any of the movies." That's when you deem it safe enough to glance at her. Her expression remains neutral despite your confession. Even though it sounds silly, a part of you wants to see her brilliant smirk again; wants to entertain the possibility of hanging out, like this, with her again. So you add, "But I wouldn't mind learning some things about it, if you were the one to teach me."

It's too late when you realize the weight of what the fuck you've actually said—and how suggestive it can come across.

Her shoulders tense, brows raising as her head snaps to look at you with darker eyes.

"Are you flirting with me?" Her lips slowly spread into a smirk.

You shrug unintelligently, not sure what to say; not sure if you want to say anything at all.

Sevika chucks. You almost allow yourself to believe that she's stunned. "Well then..."

She takes her time in chugging the rest of her beer down, tilting her head back. Your eyes manage to catch on a stream of beer that trickles from her chin to the base of her neck. A few veins are prominent through the flesh of her throat and they tense with each gulp she takes. After a few moments, she slams the beer bottle back down on the table, tongue jutting out to swipe against her bottom lip.

Holy fuck.

"Just let me know whenever you want to watch some of those movies." She finishes, waving down one of the bartenders with her credit card. "I'd be down anytime, sweetheart."

Twenty minutes later, Sevika is standing outside with you in the parking lot.

"I've kept you out too late. "She announces, rocking back and forth on her heels. "I'm a bit of an insomniac. I forget that people have normal bedtimes." Her eyes dance to a space behind you. She purposely avoids your gaze, but you're able to read between the lines. In some subtle, Sevika-like way, this is her apologizing. A polite acknowledgement that she's indeed kept you past your bedtime.

"You're fine." You preoccupy yourself by staring at her cupid's bow. "I don't think it's too late."

The fog of the biting cold air wafts between you two as Sevika nods shortly. You rest your back against the driver door of your car, reluctant to say goodbye despite just spending numerous hours with the woman in front of you.

There's a drag of tranquility. A small unsettling sadness nestles itself in your gut. This is the part where you both are supposed to say goodbye for the time being. But you don't want your night with Sevika to end so soon. You play with the hem of your shirt, mouth pooling with saliva and heart hammering in your chest. What exactly should you say? Or do? A handshake? A wave?

It feels silly to be so speechless.

"May I embrace you?" Sevika abruptly asks.

Your head shoots up, completely thrown off by the question. You almost lose your bearings from the way she peers down at you. Her stare is forgiving.

"Embrace me?" You repeat, amused by her choice of words. Her eyes narrow at the teasing lilt in your voice.

You've never seen her express the desire to show physical affection to anyone—even your mutual friends.

So Sevika asking you for a hug is unimaginable.

But beyond that, anyone asking you for a hug is something that you've never encountered before. You don't get to experience affection very much in life.

"Well, since you wanna be like that," She grunts. "Nevermind."

"Oh come on, don't be silly." You laugh, sending her a gentle smile. "I was just teasing. You can always hug me, you know."

She has full permission to hold you until the world fucking ends, for all you care.

But of course, you're not brave enough to tell her that.

Instead, you reach out towards her, hands gripping onto the flaps of her leather jacket.

For a split second, you freeze because you notice that her eyes have turned a scorched grey. Her gaze alone sets you on fire, blazes right through you—undeniably ardent—until you're nearly burnt out from her. It's a feeling that you'll never forget; a feeling you'd welcome a thousand times more.

Your breath catches. Then time resumes and your grip on her jacket tightens. Most definitely a bit too eager, you pull her towards you.

You're not sure how long the embrace lasts. You're only able to focus on the feeling of her arms encircling your waist; on how good her cologne smells while you rest your chin on her shoulder. And in that moment, you're reminded that the draw to Sevika is completely like no other.

"Talking with you was nice." She speaks, voice low as her lips tickle the tips of your ear. Then she's pulling back, just far enough so that she can look into your eyes.

"Yeah, it was."

"We should do this again."

You nod, swallowing thickly. You're not sure exactly what this is. You just know that you want more of it. "Literally, stop by Leo's place anytime, since you know, he loves when you come by." Do you sound desperate? "I mean....if you want. I-If you have free time—that is. Then we can hang out again. You can just call me. Or text, if you're not the type to call. And we can plan something. You know, without, like, our usual friends around."

Somehow, her hand comes to rest on your chin, thumb lingering inches below your lip as she tilts your head back to meet her gaze. Your stomach flips.

"But yeah." You add, failing to ignore the way that her teeth nibble on her lips. They look gentle and...Oh, God. "I, uh...yeah, of course. Let's do this again."

She smiles, showing you a gap and pearly whites. "You already said that."

"Oh." You clear your throat and shift your feet. "Right. That's right. You're right."

Fuck.

You are so gone for her.

And it's not helping that she's peering at you with that fucking look in her stunning grey eyes. She has a smile that could kill and a searing touch that you forever want to bathe yourself in.

The air around you crackles and smells of her, a mouthwatering woodsy cologne that shoots straights to your knees and nearly causes them to buckle. Her lips are beautiful; lips that are surely only made for movie stars—and now her. Lips that you want to taste; that you want to know.

Her large hands are spread across the nape of your neck when she inches closer, grinning at the sound of your breath catching. "Are you always this tongue-tied?" Her nose grazes yours. "Or is it just me that affects you this way?"

Your eyes widen. Her breath tickles your cheeks when she laughs. Despite the amusement behind her words, you feel yourself fall deeper into the abyss of her allure. She's been teasing you all night—you hate it, yet love it.

Your throat catches, "Wouldn't you like you know."

Sevilla's head tilts slightly. She observes you with an expression of unadulterated hunger, glancing over every inch of your face. It's primal and visceral. "I would."

Your heart leaps up into your throat, lodging there and beating with all of it's might.

"Is it just me?" She whispers, much more forthright this time.

You don't ignore the way that those words hold more than just one meaning.

Is it just her?

For fucks sake.

Of course it is.

Because why would—

How can she not know?

The goddamn sincerity in her question cuts straight through you.

Your head swims.

"Sev," You mumble. Your fingers find solace in the belt loops of her jeans, hanging onto them as if they're your lifeline. "It's most definitely just you." Then you're shaking your head, letting your forehead fall against one of her shoulders in embarrassment. You groan under your breath, a shiver coursing through you as you realize that she has you completely wrapped around her finger.

"I was hoping so." She chuckles. The sound washes over you, igniting a laugh of your own. Her hands drop from your neck, fingers trailing lightly down your back until they reach your hips.

You shudder in delight.

"And the entire nervous-rambling thing?" Sevika replies. "It's really fucking cute by the way."

Your heart skips a beat from her confession and you allow yourself to fully embrace the feeling.

[lastoneout]

Hey uh @ people with ME/CFS I got a question...

Everything I've read and heard about kinda seems to go hard on the idea that over-exerting yourself tends to lead to exhaustion that just never gets better at all no matter how long you rest after, and like I always assumed I didn't have it, because yeah overexerting myself tends to make me way more exhausted than is does other people and the exhaustion lasts like, a week or more sometimes, but it does eventually get better.

Like last weekend I went shopping for my birthday and also to an art gallery, and then I did a few small errands, and I conserved my energy as best I could, resting often, using mobility aids, ect, but I had to spend Mon-Fri in bed doing basically nothing aside from watching youtube, listening to music, and playing tetris because that was all I had the physical and mental energy to do. And granted that was dragged out a little because I had to go to the ER on Wednesday due to a migraine that got triggered by all this(bcs overexerting myself almost always triggers a migraine) and on Tuesday I sat in the car while we took my cat to the vet for a quick nail trim, but aside from that I just rested and even though I am feeling a bit better today I'm still just SO fucking tired and I know I'm going to have to take it easy for a few days more just to be sure I'm okay.

Which like, idk doesn't sound normal, that's for fucking sure, but I do know that with enough rest eventually I will return to my normal, which isn't everyone else's normal but is still normal enough that I can make myself easy meals and sit at my desk and talk to people and make phone calls and run errands without it killing me too badly.

But like idk my doctors seem convinced that I don't have any kind of autoimmune condition(although they haven't actually ran any tests they just keep insisting I'm not showing the signs of one and to keep up with physical therapy even when I tell them that just going clothes shopping for a few hours puts me on bedrest for the next 2-3 days) but idk again this does NOT seem normal. I legit feel SICK sometimes when I push myself too hard, like I think I'm coming down with a cold or something but it never actually turns into one, I just have that "eugh" sick feeling for a day or two and then it goes away once I've rested enough(also for clarification I never get any real cold/illness symptoms like a temperature and I mask literally everywhere and this ONLY happens after exertion so I don't think I'm actually getting sick). I also don't usually feel rested when I sleep but I always chalked that up to the insomnia more than anything?? But it does happen even when I have a good night's sleep with no tossing and turning or nightmares...

Anyway if anyone who does have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome could maybe explain to me what it's like for them I would appreciate it because idk what else could possibly be going on with me but I am so fucking tired of my doctors acting like there is nothing wrong. It might not be ME/CFS, and I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia so maybe this is all just that? So I also wouldn't mind if someone who has fibro can tell me if this is all just fibro stuff. But idk I just want to know for sure, you know? (If it helps in addition to the fibro I also have arthritis, hEDS, orthostatic Intollerance, and occipital neuralgia.)

[astoryisaloveaffair]

Fix You - Chapter 14: Enjoy the Silence

Gif by @hunterschafer

Pairing: Frankie “Catfish” Morales x Fem!Reader

Fic Masterlist

Read on A03

Spotify Playlist

»»———————►

Chapter Summary: The final heat...

Word Count: 7k

Rating: R

Chapter Warnings: Cussing, violence. I will not be warning anything else due to spoiling the story. We are all grown. You can stop reading when you want to.

A/N: Has it really been a year? I wish I had a better excuse than "I haven't been doing great." But that's what it is. I've had huge changes in my life. New job, new career, new goals, and a greater sense of self-worth. I'm feeling a lot better. But my new schedule is busy! Hopefully you can forgive me for such a long cliffhanger.

Finally, a heads up. This has been the arc I have been working towards for almost two years, and I'm not going to waver. Just stick with me like you have been. It’ll be worth it.

I also did the absolute most and made a specific playlist just for this chapter here.

Forever thank you to everyone who commented, reblogged, shared, boosted, made content for, and supported me. It meant a lot and definitely kept this fic in the back of my mind. As always, most love to my girl @musings-of-a-rose who has tolerated me being a shitty friend for a whole ass year, and always talking things through with me in life and in this fic. Cheers.

Suggested Songs: Depeche Mode "Enjoy the Silence", Fitz and the Tantrums: "Out of My League", Lizzo "Truth Hurts", Michael Kiwanuka "Cold Little Heart", Cigarettes After Sex "Cry", Guster "Demons"

Frankie and you decided to break your apartment lease starting October 1st. Fall term started on the 30th of August, and you wanted time to settle into your schedule before planning a move. You spent almost all your time at his house anyway, only stopping back at your apartment for more clothes. Frankie had already given you a row of drawers to keep your things in.

You’d honestly never been happier, both on cloud 9 and it never faded, you were incredibly excited to begin this new start with Frankie and Gabi. It all seemed to have happened so fast. It had only been five months, you hadn’t even told your family about him yet, mostly to avoid comments on the age gap. 

You were relieved the hiccup in your relationship settled, you didn’t like feeling unsure or that someone resented you. When you started feeling secure again, you clung to it. That sparkle of joy was hard to keep in check.

You picked your Fall schedule out together and spent the remaining weeks of summer basking in your relationship, playing with Gabi, going out with the guys, and constant fucking. But your most favorite thing was still lying on the couch with Frankie, teasing each other and watching bad TV.

“This is simultaneously the best and worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I don’t understand how they achieved this.”

Frankie shrugs, reaching to your lap for the giant bowl of popcorn, his eyes still glazed to the TV where Mad Max: Fury Road is playing. “I dunno. Who cares? It’s cars and chaos!”

“And Tom Hardy. And Charlize Theron.”

He pinches you on the waist, acting threatened by your thirst just to tease you. “You ever been to a demo derby? This kind of reminds me of it.”

You sit up from where your back is resting against his chest. “Um, no? Isn’t that kind of…for rednecks?”

He laughs, his eyes crinkling. “I’m not sure if you noticed, but Benny and Will are rednecks. But no, it’s for anyone who likes cars crashing into each other. There’s actually one at the fair every year. We always go to it. You should come.”

“I’m not going to a demo derby.”

“Aw come on! It’ll be fun! First time for Gabi too, and there’s rides and games and funnel cake and fried oreos—” He pauses as you hold your hand up to silence him.

“I’ll go. You had me at ‘funnel cake.’”

The fair is packed. The final hurrah of the summer before kids return to school and university students dive back into their studies. The derby started at 8 PM sharp, you, Dali, and the boys got there plenty early to look around a bit, get some food, and find seats.

You forgo any typical entree and go right for the funnel cake, heaping fruit and extra powdered sugar on it until the plate is a big mound of sweet. The guys had talked you up on this for days, Benny wouldn’t shut up about it, and you found yourself excited to watch. Your legs bounce impatiently as you scarf down your cake, breaking off pieces here and there to feed to Gabi and your boys.

The seats were bleachers, hard metal planks that hurt your butt and back and caught vibration from every footfall, but Pope sat behind you so you could lean back against his legs to be more comfortable. 

It’s a long wait. The bleachers eventually fill up, you certainly had the best seat in the house (thank you Will), and you could see the hoods up of participating cars behind the commentator podium. The air is musty, the odor of wet dirt from a quick August shower earlier that day.

When the first round of vehicles start revving their engines, Frankie pulls some earphones for Gabi and secures it to her head. Once he’s sure she’s comfortable, he quickly runs you through the basic rules. “So there’s several ‘heats’, and which heat you’re in is based on how many cylinders the car has. Last car moving is the winner, but you can’t just avoid the other cars the whole time. No continuing if your car starts sparking from the engine, no hitting the driver side door, and no hitting anyone who’s already out.” 

“Wait, cars catch on fire in this?”

Before Frankie can answer, the announcer calls out the first heat and you almost choke at the state of the cars coming out. They were completely dilapidated, windows punched out and hood frames reinforced with extra steel. It looked like each entry had about 5 different parts all from different cars, horrendous paint jobs, and one of them even had a stuffed dinosaur duct taped to the hood. Some of them looked like they had already been hit by cars, parts hanging off and bumpers pressing in on itself. None of these cars would last at all. There’s no way...

The rink was surrounded by giant cement cinder blocks creating a large “rink” type area. The contestants lined the front bumpers of their vehicles up parallel to each other at the barricades separating the cars from the bleachers, alternately revving their engines during the countdown.

“Okay, so, usually we all pick the car we think is going to win.” Benny says. You lean forward to look over the assortment of jacked up cars for this heat, eventually settling on an old Toyota Corolla painted a matte black. Benny chooses the dino car, Will chooses a Dodge Stealth with it’s headlights hanging outside the socket, Dali and Pope argue over a Ford Taurus whose back end was already smashed into the back seats, and Frankie chooses a Chevy Impala, which you immediately regret not taking because it has such a long front and back end. Lots of room for smashing and being able to keep going.

Gabi jumps up and down on Frankie’s lap as he points out things to her over the sounds of engines and a countdown, and then the cars are off off, engines roaring and dirt kicking up as they all reverse at full speed, several of them crunching up in the middle while others circle around the perimeters.

It soon becomes clear to you that there is no rhyme or reason to which car makes it and which doesn’t. Pope’s Taurus didn’t even start and is eliminated after 2 minutes of no movement, and whoever is driving the boxy piece of shit Honda Accord that Dali had to select is a fucking maniac, winding and weaving at full speed backwards, hitting whoever gets in their way. Her choice is the winner of that heat. 

Most of them are driving backwards, and Will tells you it’s because they are trying to protect the engine. You deflate in your seat a little in disappointment, but he assures you that as the heat winds down and there's fewer cars taking up the space, the drivers and announcer will get impatient and they will hit each other head to head.

You’re shocked at how much you enjoy it. At one point a car hits the passenger side door of another so hard that it is pushed up and onto the barricade wall from the inertia, hanging from an angle as the crowd jeers and shrieks in excitement. One car flips over completely, another’s engine bursts into flames and the crowd all starts crying out caution because the announcer can’t see it. You’ve never seen anything like it before and there was so much fire you were sure the whole thing would blow up, but the driver slid out the glassless driver’s side window like it was no big deal and walked it off.

There is something satisfying about two cars hitting each other at full speed, the bodies of them crunching, wheels hanging off axles, bumpers being dragged behind and run over by other drivers, cars with mangled pieces becoming stuck to each other so they can’t separate until another car hits them, tires completely gone and cars only moving on its hubs. It’s chaos in a safe format, a way to experience destruction and violence in a way that feels good and unharmful. 

Gabi has never been so amazed in her entire life, her mouth hangs open and she wriggles against her dad to see everything, laughing every time a collision happens. The audience oohs and ahhs and boos and screams and cheers and teases, you and your friends join the clamor as you have your own mini competition with yourselves.  

Giant fork tractors come into the arena area to lift the cars that can’t move anymore, some guys are able to get theirs back up and running, driving them to the sides to shape up for the final Battle Royale.

The final heat is fucking wild. All the cars that were already battered enough before they even began to come back out, returned to do another round for the final winner. With all the action you’d barely even noticed that contestants whose cars were still driveable had spent the remaining heats beyond the barricades hammering and reforming their vehicles enough to compete again. 

And at the end, the winner of all faces the crowd, pulls off their helmet to reveal a thick curly mass of long hair.  The winner is a woman. You and Dali cheer until your throats hurt.

It’s over too soon. There’s a mass exodus the instant the derby is over, the packed stadium standing and pouring down the stairs pressing so tight that you and your boys decide to hang back until it thins out. You lead the way, Frankie’s large and warm hand grazing your waist as you slowly move down the stairs and back out into the fair, turning to wait for the rest of your friends to make it out.

“What next?” Benny says when you are all reunited. “More food? Games? Rides?”

“I’m not eating more before getting on rides, let's do those now.” Says Frankie, grumbling as he hears you tease him with Benny. He whips his head around to glare at you. “Just you wait until you get older and start getting sick on rides, I cannot wait to make fun of you back.”

The wait for the ride tickets is long, but it leaves plenty of time for the group to decide how many are needed. Who is riding what, who isn’t, what pairings and who will watch Gabi on the rides she can’t do. You’re surprised when Will and Pope back out of the Zipper, leaving you and Benny as a pairing for that.

Riding it was a mistake. The ride is basically a giant airborne conveyer belt with completely enclosed containers for people hanging off it that were 360 degree capable. And it lasted FOREVER. You lose some of your funnel cake behind the ride out of sight, threatening violence on Benny if he outs you to the others. 

But it didn’t stop you from riding The Freak Out immediately afterwards, a rotating pendulum swing that made you feel like you were going to be catapulted out of your seat. The ride seated 4 groups of 4 so that in between squeezing your eyes shut, you could catch watery glimpses of Benny red-faced and cackling hysterically, Will’s chants of “ohfuckohfuckohfuckOHfuckOHFUCKOHSHIT FUCCCCCCK!”, and Frankie looking…absolutely fine. It was almost disturbing really, he was calm and collected, the only hint that this might have been something other than a nice drive in his truck was his giant smile, the tears leaking from his squinted eyes, his chocolate curls whipping around in the breeze as his hands clutch his hat in his lap with a steel grip.

“How the fuck were you so calm?!” You gasp as you stumble off the rickety landing platform. You hadn’t moved yet you felt like you had run a mile, your heart was beating so fast from the adrenaline it almost felt like you might have a heart attack. 

Frankie shrugs. “Feels like a copter in a bad air current.” 

You simply stare blinking. 

“No, he’s always like this. Like this one time, we were flying in a helo over the Andes mountains, and—”

A sharp stare from Frankie that he tries to hide from you makes Benny backpedal. 

“Uhhh yea we were flying over some mountains and the air current was wild but we got over the mountains just fine and everything was fine and we were fine.”

Your heart seizes in your chest, that same feeling of not being told something creeping up. You hate it. You push it back down, swallowing heavily to center yourself. “So I assume you were fine.”

“Yea. Yea. Cat is a good pilot.” 

You hum, the panic still not leaving your chest.

Frankie grabs your hand as you walk. “It happened a lot, I just got used to it.”

“It happened a lot?”

“Yea. I mean, sometimes we were flying through shit climates, sometimes even pursued. Doesn’t make for a smooth ride. I’m just used to it. They always scream bloody murder though.” Frankie smiles softly.

“Oh.”

You go silent, continuing to walk to the next destination: the scrambler. You had already established you would not ride and Dali wanted some funnel cake herself, so she heads off while you stay off to the side with Gabi to watch, lost in your own thoughts.

“Just don’t fucking talk about that, none of that. That never happened.” Frankie seethes to Benny as they are strapped into the ride. 

“Sorry dude, I can’t read your thoughts. I figured she knew.”

“No. I don’t want her to know. No one else needs to know about it.”

Benny falls silent, looking to Will beside him. Pope lowers his head, choosing to say nothing.

“Catfish…you have to.” Says Will.

“No the fuck I don’t. I never want her to know. If she knows…she’ll actually see ‘real me’. ‘Fuck-up me.” And I don't want her to yet. I don’t want to lose her yet. I don’t want her to be afraid. Stop fucking looking at me like that.”

They stop. But only because the ride starts, and they can’t see anything other than blurs.

You hate this feeling, this fluttering in your stomach like something is wrong but your heart knows, it knows it’s fine. It has to be. Your mind is spinning, trying to combat the rising anxiety clenching in your chest, doing gymnastics to find reasons to not be alarmed.

He’s not lying about something. He’s not. …He promised….I’m just overthinking this…

You can’t. You refuse to even think about it. Confronting the terrible possibility that you might’ve done it again, you might have thrown yourself all in to someone only to—-no. 

He’s not lying. He’s not. …He promised….he’s different. I’m just overthinking this…

You can feel butterflies bubbling in your stomach and you feel like you might throw up. Fucking men. You huff in frustration and try to distract yourself with your surroundings, watching people on rides, sharing funnel cake. Your eyes scan over two men staring at you silently by a skewered chicken cart and in your current mood it makes you furious. “What the fuck are you staring at?!” You growl at them. They say nothing and slowly walk away, disappearing into the crowd. Fucking. Men.

You try not to let your emotions show. You sit back while Gabi goes on some rides for her age, using the time to rehydrate and calm yourself down. Living through Gabi’s joy helps.. She’s having a blast, choosing a different person to pair with for each time ride. Pope in the Wacky House, the Helicopters with her dad, Benny on the mini Viking ship. Once you feel better you join in to play bumper cars (Will and Gabi win) and ride the high-rise swings with her seated in the cool metal chair next to you, Benny singing along to the ambient speakers playing “Out of My League” so loud eventually all the other teens on the ride join in.You enjoy the mini coaster more than you thought you would considering it’s for kids Gabi’s age, you and Dali are the only others who can fit in the seats, no matter how hard Benny tried. It was easy to quickly forget.

After the coaster, Gabi begins to slow down, so you hit the fried oreo stand, paying for several batches despite protestation and alternately feeding everyone as the group slowly walks through the agricultural parts of the fair. It’s calmer here, the air warm and quiet. The pathway is less crowded so Gabi is able to frolic around on the walkway in front of you safely. 

You walk through every barn, stopping to pet every animal. She’s a natural with them. Completely fearless, not one flicker of apprehension as she approaches cows and horses that are easily 6 times her height, paying close attention to her dad in how to not spook them. Everyone finds the goats to be the favorite because of the sounds they make. Even more so when Frankie engages in a screaming contest back and forth with a bunch of them until someone shoos them out of the pavilion.

Soon, all the sugar Gabi consumed rears its ugly head in the rabbit barn, she throws a fit when Frankie won’t let her get a pet rabbit and you only just catch her upper arm in time to keep her from collapsing on the filthy barn floor. You’re surprised she held out so long. Even you were crashing and getting tired. Also, the rabbits were ridiculously cute.

“Listen Gabi, how about we ride the ferris wheel? Would you like that?” You kneel before her, swiping the tears off her cheeks as she catches her breath. “It goes really high! Higher than the swings!” She nods, sniffing in a snot bubble as she takes your hand. The two of you lead the way, and as you get closer and closer, you start to regret your decision. 

It’s much taller than the Freak Out. By more than 100 feet. It doesn’t look very stable either.

“Wait...this…this looks kind of high, don’t you think?” You turn to the guys, trying to conceal the wavering in your voice. You were scared enough at 70 feet. This was more like 200.

“Height requirement says she’s fine. And it’s enclosed, goes really slow. Come on.” Frankie takes you by the hand and your heart leaps into your throat, your feet skidding across the lawn as you try to pull back. 

A light shove pushes you forward and you turn to glare at Will as he smirks down at you. “If you don’t go I’m never going to let you hear the end of it. Not after you called us “old and broken down.”

Well shit.

“Fine.”

You’re shaking when it’s your turn, the group mad dashing to three cars next to each other so you could talk throughout. Benny pairs with Pope, Gabi is vibrating with excitement as she’s put into a carriage by Will and Dali, and Frankie is beaming as he motions you towards the left car. He pats your butt as you gingerly step in, waiting until you’re seated before joining you and taking your hand. 

“Babe…are you okay?”

You swallow, grateful it’s dark enough he can’t see you trembling. “Yep. I’m good.” 

He leans forward in his seat, the glowing phosphorescence of the lights of the ride and around the fair bathing him halfway in a multicolored glow. tThe colors and shadows fold into the angles of his face like rainbow chiaroscuro, an angular stained glass window. He takes your hand again, yours is swallowed in his palm and you close your eyes as he rubs his thumb across the top. The dark beat of Depeche Mode pounds against your chest and echoes in your ears and you briefly imagine this is what it must feel like to drop acid.

“Your hands are really sweaty…and you’re breathing really fast. Are you sure you’re okay? Hey…” He squeezes your palm and you open your eyes to meet his. “It’s okay if you’re scared. I won’t joke anymore about it, I’m sorry.”

You swallow. “It’s just really really high.”

Frankie watches the ride operator out of the corner of his eye passing their car as he makes sure everyone is safely locked in before tugging on your arm slightly. You slide forward minutely, he meets you more than halfway with his large limbs and rests his hands on your hips. You gasp as the ride jolts and begins rolling, lifting the cabs up in the air. His calloused fingertip pushes your head back up.

“How about I distract you.” He murmurs, shifting forward one inch more, tilting his neck as his soft pouty lips meet yours. 

You close your eyes, trying to lose your self awareness into him and his mouth and the soft skin of his nose that bumps your cheek and tickles your nose with its little breaths. 

The lift mechanism suddenly shudders, clunking over something and it feels like when you run over a squirrel in your car. You inhale sharply against Frankie’s lips as your cab jostles back and forth. Not much, but enough for you to slam yourself back against your seat and clutch the seat bottom as hard as you can. Your heart beats wildly and you imagine the ride breaking and dropping you on the ground to be crushed to death by this stupid fucking metal cab.

You feel pressure on your knees and look down, focusing hard to not see double from fear. Frankie cups both in his hands, thumbs lightly stroking the inside of your thighs. “It’s okay.” He reassures, squeezing your knees once more. “Probably an under-greased cog, it’s nothing. They test these things like 50 times a day.”

You simply stare, forcing yourself to nod. 

“Close your eyes.”

You open your mouth to argue then close it and obey. You trust Frankie, and it can’t be any worse. 

“Just focus on me. And…you hear the music? It’s called “Enjoy the Silence.” I was obsessed with this song when it came out. And can you hear Benny below us? I can hear Gabi laughing too. We’re all okay, you’re okay too.”

You bite your lips into your mouth, focusing on the song and Frankie’s husky voice. The meditative synth pop calms you, and the carefree voices of your friends below does help calm you, but you can’t slow down your heartbeat. 

“I’m okay. Just too much adrenaline.”

The hands on your knees slide up your bare thighs and wrap around the bottoms of them. Frankie pulls you forward in your seat with a smirk. “I’m feeling a little amped up too.”

“Frankie.”

He doesn’t respond, his sole focus on your thighs as his hands slide up and up and up until he is just able to slip the tip of one of his fingers under one leg of your shorts. For some reason, it pisses you off.

“Frankie!” You hiss. “People could see us.”

“Nah…” He shushes you, his finger sliding lower. 

You clamp your legs shut and push his hand back in his direction. “Frankie, I don’t want to right here.” 

He sits up. “Oh.”

Suddenly you hear Benny’s voice from below. “Hello we are underneath you guys! I don’t want to hear any hooking up sounds!” He trolls, and you fully push Frankie back to his side, your cheeks burning in embarrassment.

It’s the first time you can remember that it’s ever been uncomfortably awkward between the two of you, and you’re not sure why. The silence seems so much more noticeable and weird against the clanking of the Ferris wheel gears and the chattering of random other people.

You’re not even looking at each other, you realize. When did that happen? Your neck cranes to the left as you gaze at the stars, and when you turn back towards Frankie, he is looking to the right and down at the fair. 

“…Is everything okay?”

His eyes snap back to yours. “Yea? Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Cause I pushed you away, and…I dunno, you’re being weird..”

“Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not intentional. I’m not upset, c’mere.” He opens his arms wide to you, scooting on his bench so there’s enough room for you.

You hesitate. “Won’t it…won’t it throw off the balance?”

You feel ridiculous asking but he doesn’t laugh at you, just shakes his head slightly. “Nah, they wouldn’t be able to run this ride if people couldn’t sit on the same side.”

You balance awkwardly on the edge of your bench overanalyzing what exact moment during the track of the ride to launch onto his, but you overthink it and end up jostling the cab more than necessary. Frankie’s arms pull you into his side and you burrow your face in his neck as the cab continues to rock. The music fades from Depeche Mode to Lizzo to Lil’ Nas X (Will clearly enjoys that one) and then back to Lizzo, and you forget all about your uneasiness.

He was right. It did feel better being with him. 

The ride does one more pass then rolls to a halt, letting off you with Frankie and Benny with Santiago. You hover at the exit for Will and Gabi, who have to wait for their cab to reach the platform before dismounting. Frankie takes your hand as you wait.

Gabby’s adrenaline rush runs out fast, and you spend the remainder of the fair eating more fried Oreos and playing games. Somehow you manage to beat them all at the water shooting game, which amps up the competitiveness to the point you’d rather just watch.

Which is how you end up at the “star” game. 

“We’re so fucking good at this game, it pisses them off every time.” Laughs Benny, as he shoots the entire Star out perfectly with the gun that is specifically not given enough ammo to achieve this. You hop up on the far side of the counter to watch, noting the way each of you boys handles their weapon and the differences in each. Benny held his gun loosely, like he was relaxed and self assured. It almost seemed like you would be able to slap it out of his hands but you knew he still had an iron grip. Will was precise and, as you expected, “perfect form”. You could tell just from Pope’s posture change that he was the best shot on the team, you’d never seen him look so focused. Frankie held his with a tense white knuckle grip, the folding stock tucked against his shoulder joint. The tension carrying up his arms as his veins popped out in his forearms and biceps. He looked fucking good. And you wouldn’t consider yourself a “gun person.” In fact, you kind of hated them. But there just was something about a strong non-douchey man holding a rifle like that that activated you. Damn the patriarchy. Even Dali is a great shot, though not as good as the guys.

After a few rounds, the carnie finally stopped allowing your posse to keep playing, frustrated that somehow the rigging system didn’t work on your group. You lean back on your hands, your legs swinging against the wood counter, observing Benny arguing with the carnie with a smirk. Gabi is passed out in her stroller next to you as Frankie sidles up to you, feeding you a piece of Fried Reeses, then promptly kissing you so the taste floats between you. 

He hums deeply, stepping closer to you til he’s between your legs. His hands rest low on the top of your thighs. “This ok?”

You smile. “Yes. More than okay. And I want more.” 

Frankie beams and cups your face, his lips crashing into yours as he all but breathes you in. You tilt your head and poke his mouth with your tongue. He responds immediately and opens for you, meeting you halfway. You whine softly as his hands leave your cheeks and trail down your back, one hand sneaking a bit lower to discreetly cup your ass. You’ve just wound your legs around his hips and your arms around his neck when you hear a shrill voice cut through the din of the dwindling crowd.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Your heart slams to a halt so fast it hurts. You recognize that voice. And so does Frankie. Your heads both snap to the left as a disheveled looking Lex stands there with a bunch of her friends.

Frankie simply stares. She repeats herself. “Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. The BABYSITTER? Are you fucking your BABYSITTER??? Oh Frankie…come on…how pathetic can you be? She’s like a child!”

You look at Frankie, receding into himself like a silent, terrified puppy. You’ve never seen him like this before, it unnerves you.

“Excuse me.” You snap back. “I am 28.”

She scoffs. I fucking knew something was going on with you two. And you’re doing this in front of my child?”

“Well, actually, Gabi is sleeping. At least she was, until you came ranting and raving.” You make eye contact with Pope, who reads your perfectly and starts steering Gabi’s stroller away so she can’t hear. “We made sure to be careful for her but why do you even care if we are fucking? You left him! You didn’t want him anymore, so it shouldn’t fucking matter who he dates.” 

“He’s a drug addict and a pathological liar. He will NEVER change.”

“Yea? And you are a drunk, controlling, OCD bitch who can’t mind her own fucking business. He’s happy with me. I trust him. Unlike you. Bye.” You couldn’t help yourself, you just fucking hated her.

But that set her off. “Did he tell you why he was suspended?”

“Yes, he—“

“Did he tell you he was high, flying a family and he almost injured everyone from a sloppy landing? Did he tell you how he would take Gabi to his drug dealers house with him? How he went on a STUPID fucking mission with these idiots to burglarize a fucking drug lord completely off paper? That I deliberately asked him not to because we had a new baby? That he crashed their helicopter, dropped all their money and shot innocent villagers to keep them from getting it? At children and old men adn women? That because of that, Molly’s husband was shot in the fucking head by one of those people? And then they couldn’t even bring the money back so it was all for no reason?”

She’s shouting now, spittle flying from her inebriated lips. One of her friends tries to grab her arm but she shakes them off. People in the crowd are starting to stop and watch. “Then, THEN, he treated me like shit, saying horrible things to me just when he was mad, throwing things, scaring me!”

You feel like you can’t breathe, it’s too much information all at once. “...What? I don’t…No. no, he said he was on a delta mission–”

“Oh sweetheart,” She sneers condescendingly. “He was on a greed mission. He was retired from delta. This was like a year ago. They all wanted to get rich and robbed a fucking drug kingpin and Frankie shot innocent people to make sure he got alllllll that money. And because of that, his friend was shot and killed and his family has NO idea why. He lied to you.”

You turn to look at him, and all his friends. Everyone is silent, trying not to look up from the ground. Dali looks as bewildered as you. “Frankie…?” Tears water in your eyes and you feel like your heart is going to burst. You thought he told you it was an enlisted mission, but on top of everything else you just learned your thoughts are rushing so fast you can’t seem to remember specifics. 

Frankie can’t even look at you. And that’s how you know. 

It’s true…

“Lex. Stop.” Will’s Southern drawl cuts through the silence, the commanding officer in him coming out. “It’s over. This shit between you two has to stop. Enough.” His eyes shift to Lex’s friends, who are nodding and repeating the same thing. Lex finally allows them to pull her away muttering under her breath, sending one last glare in your direction.

The walk to the truck is silent. The ride home is a foggy blur. But the minute you step into the house, you crack. 

“Frankie please tell me all this is not true.” You can’t read him at all, his face is completely blank as he moves around you towards Gabi’s bedroom to tuck her in.

So you wait.

His hackles are already up when he comes back out.

“Frankie–”

“Yea.”

“Well?”

“Yea. It’s true. We tried to steal money from one of Pope’s cases and it backfired and Tom got shot.”

“Because of you.”

His expression changes then, from blank nothing to vicious defensive anger. “Yea. Because of me. I fucked up the flight back and we crash landed and these fuckin’ villagers were gonna take the money! And it was an accident!”

“You ‘accidentally’ shot innocent people?”

He swallows, his jaw clenching and unclenching. You can see he’s doing mental gymnastics in order to avoid accountability. 

“Did your finger slip?”

No answer. 

“Frankie. Did your finger slip on the trigger?”

You already know the answer before he says it. And somehow it’s like he morphs into a Disney villain as he says it. “No. My finger didn’t slip.”

It burns, the sharp pain in your heart that makes you feel like it’s having a seizure or forgot how to pump blood or is pumping too much blood. “How many people did you kill.”

He shrugs. “I dunno.”

“You don’t know? How can you not know?! Frankie, you told me this was your job! You- you fucking lied to me! I-I I asked you if you were hiding anything else from me and you fucking lied to me!” You can’t help your voice raising, the tears spilling out of your eyes as you realize how fucking stupid you had been. Somewhere in the background you can hear Gabi has woken and is hysterically crying. Frankie, clearly having enough, turns back towards her room. But you continue, screaming at his back. “And that’s why Tom is dead? And his family doesn’t know why?!”

Frankie doesn’t answer and suddenly you are enraged. You run behind him and shove him forward. “I’m fucking talking to you! How can you just be so fucking blase about this??? And…all that other shit???—I feel like I don’t know you at all!”

He whirls around, that furious murderous face you ‘ve seen him give others is finally directed at you. “Because you don’t!” He screams back, his teeth nash and he shoves a finger one inch from  your face. You flinch.

“Frankie, you’re scaring me.”

“I’m scaring you? Really? I thought this was your thing?” 

You blink, confused, tears stalling on your face. “Don’t–”  You plead softly.

“No, Lex is right. You’re a naive little girl who thinks she can save worthless idiots like me and live some fucking fantasy happily ever after. You won’t. You can’t. I’m unfixable.”

“How can you say that!! Frankie, I love you!

He scoffs. “I know you think you do. And I know you aren’t stupid, you told me you’ve done this before. But guess what sweetie, you aren’t better, you’re still doing it because you’re so fucking desperate for someone to love you. You don’t love me. You just want to feel like some fucking savior.”

“No! No… I didn’t, I don’t…you told me you loved me!”

“I wanted to fuck you.” His eyes are black as far, it’s like you don’t even recognize his face anymore. Lex was right. Lex was right. How…did you make all of it up in your head?

“You…You’re a fucking psycho…I feel like you emotionally manipulated me into caring for you only for you to play games with me! I specifically told you I couldn’t go through this again and you fucking did it anyway!”

“Hey, you kissed me. And you were fun to fuck, I will admit that. Let me do fucking anything. But we both knew this would happen. You set yourself up. I did shoot those villagers. I caused Tom’s death. I just wanted the fucking money. And I wanted to kill a bunch of kids too, when they got in my way. Fuckin’ teenagers and I told Pope to fucking shoot them all.  And you know what else? We went back and got all that fucking money we hid, and we are fucking swimming in it. And I didn’t share a goddamn dime with my ex. You’re right. I am a psycho, so it’s a good thing this is over. Pack your shit and leave me alone.”

“Fuck you Frankie.”

You don’t wait another moment. You don’t need to be asked twice this time. You shove him aside on your way down the hallway, doing everything you can not to let the second round of tears fall. He’d seen enough.

You slam the door of the master bedroom behind you, frantically bouncing around different points in the room to grab all your shit. When did all of this stuff even get here? Anxiety bubbles up your chest until you can’t take it anymore and say fuck it, he can just throw anything else out. I have to get out of here.

You rush back down the hallway like a speed demon, praying to whatever that he won’t be standing in the hallway still. He isn’t. He’s sitting on his couch facing away from you, his head in his hands. You hate yourself for wanting to go comfort him. He’s right…I’m

not better…

You pause on the front doorway, struggling to say what needs to be said. Don’t be weak. Don’t keep letting people do this to you over and over. “Don’t contact me.I never want to see you again.” You say to his back.

He doesn’t move a muscle, or even look at you. “You won’t.”

You were able to make it halfway across the lawn before the grief fully hit. By the time you got to your car you were gasping like you were no longer able to breathe. And the minute your car door shut you broke, a wailing sob bursting from your lips as you bury your face in your palms. 

Again. It happened again. And it’s just as crushing as every other time, except now it feels like you never healed from the others and now they are all piling on top of the other with this one as the final blow.

Why. WHY? Was there something wrong with you? Why were you never enough? Why couldn’t you make them stay? What did you do to keep having to go through this? It almost killed you last time, your eyes squeeze shut as you remember the look on your parents face as they watched you writhe on your bed screaming and crying hysterically from your latest breakup.

And why did you let yourself fall into it again, like you had never learned a goddamn thing. It was like you were masochistic, you told yourself you would never need someone again so badly, you wouldn’t enmesh yourself so fully that when it fell apart you could barely function. Your heart was once again ripped out of your chest and thrown to the floor, the cracks from before making this shattering into pieces so small you know it can’t get repaired again.

With a trembling whimper, you pull your face out of your hands and wipe your eyes, your nose. You realize you’re still sitting in Frankie’s driveway and you immediately look to see if he's at the window, concerned for you. He isn’t. You hate yourself for it but it breaks you even more. 

It’s over.

You drive home mindlessly, your Spotify on shuffle and you aren’t aware of anything else. Just get home. Just get home and then you can cry, try to move on. But you already know you won’t. 

You finally tire yourself out of tears, and you try to talk yourself up, turning up the music and chanting “it’s okay” to yourself. 

It’s Coldplay. You always liked Coldplay. 

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try, you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you…

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face, and I–

You slam the on/off button so hard you actually cause the auxiliary cord to malfunction, so you rip it out of your phone and throw the damn thing on the passenger seat. You drive home in silence.

It’s dark in the lot when you arrive. You park in a spot along the side and towards the back because the lot is mostly full. The only light shining is the pole yards away, the bulb switches off and on opposite of the dark one right above you. 

You feel numb. You can still feel sticky dried tears on your face, but your ability to utter a sound is gone. You close your eyes and try to compose yourself, simply sitting in your car in the dark. You’re avoiding going upstairs, you know. You’ve pretty much been living at Frankie’s. Walking through that door would make it feel too ‘official’. You cover your face with your hands and rub the tears tracks off your raw face, and are about to take a breath and gather your shit when a THWACKING sound bursts right in your left ear.

You startle with a yelp and look out your window, prepared to tell off whoever is messing with you, but freeze when you find yourself face to face with the barrel of a gun, the only thing separating you from it is the shitty window glass on your cheap car.

»»———————►

Post A/N: Don't yell at me lol

[twofrontteethstillcrooked]

Epic: 11 Oct. Suptober

Though Sam had no love for Halloween, he too felt a modicum of despair for the display before them.

deancas not-hiding-a-developing-relationship-as-well-as-they-think-they-are au #pray4sam

A giant banner over the store's entrance read "Epic Holiday Extravaganza" and upon spotting it, Sam groaned in his soul.

"Awesome," Dean said, grin wacky and his chest puffed out like an inflatable vampire's. 

(They'd just driven through a neighborhood heavily decorated with towering monsters and fake cobwebs, Dean slapping the steering wheel out of sheer enthusiasm the whole time.)

Upon entering the store lobby, however, Dean's balloon instantly popped.

Though Sam had no love for Halloween, he too felt a modicum of despair for the display before them.

"Where are the ghosts?" Dean demanded. (Never mind that real ghosts were usually the fucking worst.) "The jack o'lanterns? The Oogie Boogies and tombstones? No spiders? No bats? Not even a cornucopia or stack of plain old pumpkins?"

Sam tried to put out his arm in a casual sort of way, to keep his brother from plowing headfirst into the copse of festooned Christmas trees, reindeer and sleigh, red and green gnomes, and a large translucent angel with lacy wings that flapped, slowly, like a butterfly's. Everything on sale, 40% off, earn ten dollars Krazy Kash for fifty dollars spent.

"It's October eleventh," Dean all but yelled.

"All right, chill," Sam hissed under his breath.

"The assistant store manager has time to meet with us now," Cas said. Having arrived first, he'd strolled up an aisle of boxed ornaments, wrapping paper, wreaths, and snowmen figurines without any discernible distress. 

Cas did give the fake angel a dirty look; Sam snorted, mostly to himself.

"Finally," Dean muttered, "at least we can see a real corpse for a change." He stopped dead in his tracks. "You know what I mean."

Cas tipped his head. "I don't, actually."

Dean rolled his eyes and nudged Cas back down the aisle.

-

"I'm surprised the Christmas stuff bugged you so much," Sam said conversationally. He finished drinking his milkshake and waited for Dean to swallow a wad of french fries.

Dean wiped his hands on a paper napkin, crumpled the burger wrapper into a ball, and pitched it neatly into the world's smallest trash can set beneath the motel television stand. "I like Christmas," Dean said. "Hell, I love Christmas sometimes. Not in freakin' autumn. The leaves haven't even fallen off the trees yet. Halloween's too good to waste this early, man. It's disrespectful."

A ghoul digging up a semi-retired warehouse worker, eating half his limbs, and leaving the rest in the mattress section of a mid priced department store just to annoy the store manager also seemed disrespectful to Sam, but Dean didn't need him chiming in about that.

"You and Cas picked out your costumes yet?" Sam asked, toeing off his boots.

Dean went stock still. Shifty around the eyes. Maybe a little spooked.

Cas exited the bathroom just then. He'd changed into his on the road pajamas, i.e. he'd taken off his trench coat and his suit coat, and left his shoes by the door (having already washed off the gooey ghoul blood, for which Sam was grateful). "Has something happened?" he asked Dean.

"No," Dean said, sullen as a teenager.

"Are we going to watch a movie?" Cas arranged himself against the headboard of one of the two beds.

Good mood restored, Dean bounced up to grab the remote. "Local access channel's showing Bludgeon Brothel in fifteen minutes. Classic '80s slasher. Made Lola Sidebottom a household name for a while there." He crashed onto the mattress next to Cas and looked happier than a witch with a new broomstick.

Well, at least Sam knew which bed was his for the night: the other one.

-

(On the 31st day of the month, he pretended to be surprised when both Dean and Cas walked out of Dean's bedroom dressed like skeleton pirates.)

[unhelpfulfemme]

Once again I participate in the "get to know your mutuals" chain mail meme (I'm 100% this is not the correct term but my brain is really fried atm), this time I was tagged by @stripedroseandsketchpads :D I feel like I do this every two months at least so I'm kind of out of people to tag who haven't done it recently, and I've also been kind of dissociated from Tumblr due to work stress so I don't remember if I added anyone new recently :/ So whoever wants to do it, let's pretend I tagged you :D

Last song I listened to: Them Crooked Vultures - No One Loves Me & Neither Do I - I just discovered this band! Even though it's made up of really famous people from other more famous bands! And I really like it!

Currently watching: The Borgias. So far it's... okay? I'm enjoying the character beats but the actual plotty plot (i.e. the politics and wars) is so slowly paced and overly linear. They seem really scared of the audience not getting it so they only allow one plotty thing to be happening at any given time, and they make sure to spell everything out at least once per episode. Which is... not what I'm used to in my historical political drama (quite the opposite in fact!). Perhaps I could have benefited from this approach if it were a fantasy world or a country I don't have much to do with (I remember having to open up a map of Scotland so many times while reading the first Lymond because they kept going from one city to the other and I didn't know where they were in relation to each other), but it's set in my own country and half of the "as you know" recaps are just basic Italian geography for the anglophone audiences lol. After the fifth time one well-educated character explains to another well-educated character that Florence is in the north-west and Naples is south of Rome, I kind of want to scream. The pronounciations are also all over the place - three guys are sitting at a table looking each other in the eyes and pronouncing "Medici" 3 incorrect ways, at least they could have streamlined it between the actors. Like far be it from me to demand proper pronounciation with the way Italians butcher English words constantly, but at least make it consistent! Luke Pasqualino is the only one pronouncing anything as it should be pronounced, and I really felt bad for him in that scene where Lucrezia keeps asking him to say her name and they're both repeating it over and over, because he's the only one pronouncing it correctly while she's saying it as if she had a mouth full of rocks. Btw my favourite Holliday Grainger fucking up the Italian scene so far is when she needs to ride breathlessly up to the French king and say a long line about her brother Juan the Gonfaloniere and basically she's supposed to repeat "Gonfaloniere" several times and you can literally see her going "my brother is the gonfalonsajkdnajsdsbaj" and making a "fuck it, whatever" expression when she gets to the complicated part. Anyway I am enjoying the show, the pronounciations make me laugh they don't make me mad. And the costumes are gorgeous!

Sweet/spicy/savory: Savory or spicy, depending on the mood. I dislike sweet things.

Current Obsession: Nothing really, I've been really tangled up with RL things and am feeling vaguely anhedonic because I keep thinking about work, so it's hard to get into something haha. This is actually why I'm able to focus on the Borgias, because they have quite low bandwidth requirements (i tried to watch it before and found it slow-ish). This too shall pass I suppose :)

[crestfallercanyon]

WEEKLY TAG WEDNESDAY

Thank you lovely people for tagging me! @energievie and @jrooc <3

---

name: crest

where the heck are ya? on a US coastline

do you believe in love at first sight? Kind of. I think, if two people present themselves honestly, there can be kind of a soft landing of love at first sight. A lot more than we realize is processed by our minds at once, first impressions are very powerful. While I don't really believe one can get that kind of deep well of an everlasting sort of love right at sight, I think you can clock someone and be like "hey, you -- I know I'm going to like you, I want to get to know you," and that I think means something. Sometimes that impression leads somewhere and other times... well. That's life, eh?

do you believe in soulmates? Sort of? I feel like between this question and the last one I'm completely flipped compared to a lot of people lol -- but relationships take work, even someone who seems to understand you organically at every level, you can still let that link fade by neglect. Or even not neglect, you can experience and react to different stimuli and grow apart, especially if you go too long without kind of reconnecting. Like the last question, love at first sight will fizzle if you don't pursue it and try to make it work. Soulmates, to me, aren't written in the stars or whatever, they're not destiny -- they're made out of deciding that with this person, you're going to put in that work. And maybe someone will come around and say "well why do you pick that person? it's because it was fate," but I don't really believe that, because there's a lot of factors as to why, at least personally, I put in work with some people but not with others. There were opportunities to become close with very different people than who I am close with now, but I chose not to. I chose the people I did. It was my active choice. So, yeah, there's a very long winded answer on this little tag question game.

what’s a song you’ve been loving? Habits by Genevieve Stokes

how about a show you’ve been loving? You may have noticed the sudden constant reblogging of Dimension 20, but I've been really into Dropout's D&D campaigns I've watched thus far.

your ultimate OTP: That's a tricky question! I don't really -- I feel like this goes off my soulmate/lafs question but I think you can make anything pretty viable if you develop it right. Maybe Idgie and Ruth from Fried Green Tomatoes (1991)? And actually, probably Gallavich (Ian Gallagher and Mickey Milkovich) from Shameless, because they always come back to each other, and there's something so lovely about that -- and I can't picture either of them truly with someone else.

your comfort book: Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin. I haven't read it in a very long time, but I read it so many times when I was a kid that -- it was my teacher's copy -- she just let me have it before I went to the next levels of school.

a fan work you adore (fic, art, manip, etc — tag the creator!): I loved makes a cathedral, him pressing against me by misandrywitch (Shameless (US)) and I also love all I want of the world, coming down by gyzym (Inception (2010)). (I do not know their tumblrs so I can't link them, but I can link to the stories!)

a trope that captures your heart: not really a trope but fanfiction and tumblr have kind of made it into one: "It's rotten work." "not to me, not if it's you," dynamics.

favorite candy: pomegranate filled dark chocolate

dark chocolate or white chocolate? dark. 100%.

romance novels or thrillers? I read lots of things that are thrilling and have romance, but I actually don't really read either of these genres on their own. Probably lean more toward romance novels?

pink or red? I like both. I own more red clothes. I only have one pink shirt.

and finally, spread some love! share words of encouragement, a positive message, or say something kind to yourself — it’s up to you! Happy valentines! Um, it truly is never too late to try. Really. Try that hobby that, yeah, you're going to start off being absolute shit at, but it's still worth trying if it interests you. I'm going to a figure drawing class tonight, and I'm likely going to be absolute trash at it, but that's my valentine's treat to myself. Or, you can try to fix a tattered relationship, you can try to mend it if you want -- I can't guarantee trying will fix it, but you will have tried, and that matters. Even if it's just trying the smallest thing, or an internal thing. It takes a lot of work to try, and I'm rooting for you if the thing you're trying hardest on is just trying to feel better about yourself. And you're never alone if you're trying! Everyone has tried something. Everyone can rejoice in the successful results from a good ol' college try, or they can sympathize with the failure of a try that didn't lead to anything, everyone has been part of that experience, so hopefully that's encouraging if nothing else. <3

---

Tagging, um, I think most people have been tagged, but here are a couple: @callivich , @michellemisfit , @mmmichyyy, and anyone else who would like to join!

[dominickeating-source]

Star Trek Monthly, #91 (2002)

A Good Reed by Paul Simpson and Ruth Thomas

Taking your first few tentative steps into the wilds of space is a daunting prospect, particularly when there are all sorts of nasties out there. So, there's no better person to have at your side than a first class tactical officer who knows all about the business end of a phaser.

"I nagged my dad rotten to get the first colour telly in our street so I could see Star Trek in colour," Dominic Keating reveals. "I was absolutely gobsmacked when Spock's shirt was blue!"

Star Trek was an important part of Keating's early life - whether watching the "fried eggs fall off the civic walls" in Star Trek: The Original Series' Operation: Annihilate!, or being inveigled into the universe of Star Trek: The Next Generation when his housemate would only allow that one programme to be watched on his satellite system. Kirk's "various Helen of Troy girlfriends, in their flowing chiffon, were my first foray into, 'Phwoar! She's nice!" while his interest in Patrick Stewart's Jean-Luc Picard was piqued by seeing "an English actor in an American show". A friend tried to entice him to watch Star Trek: Voyager by describing Seven of Nine in glowing detail, but Keating carefully explains that, "I'm really surprised and pleased that yes, it is Star Trek that we're doing on Enterprise, but it is also really distinctly different from Voyager."

Now, 18 episodes into the filming of Enterprise's first season, Keating has come over to the UK to promote the series' launch on Sky One - and to catch up with old friends, family and the latest plays in London's West End. As he admits, he's becoming more and more used to the frenzy that surrounds Star Trek after some initial reservations. "I've done three conventions now: I'm the convention queen, actually! There was a certain amount of trepidation for the first one or two, but by the third one I was in a stride. It's like interviews, once you get into doing them, you just free up and let yourself come through."

There aren't many interviewees who punctuate the discussion with a free vocal rendition of their series' theme tune, but Keating will warble à la Russell Watson at a moment's notice. "It's my convention opener," he admits. "They always say, 'We haven't got the soundtrack', and I say, 'No worries - give me the mike!'"

The relaxed atmosphere on the Enterprise set clearly suits Keating. "There's a great energy," he points out. "Right from the get-go at the read through, when we all met that one time. We just had a simpatico and a generosity. None of us took each other too seriously, and there was some good gentle ribbing."

As he leans backwards and forwards on the hotel bedroom chair, gesticulating wildly to make his points, his own energy is very evident, and he's starting to bring that out in Malcolm Reed. "I'm learning to free him up a bit," he says. "I'm not frightened to have him be contratictory. He doesn't have to be this quintessential, buttoned-down, by the book English guy, who's shy of girls. He can also be all that I am. God knows, each in our own way, we are all a multitude and a mass of contradictions. I'm glad they didn't shoot me out of the gate as quickly as they did with one or two of the other characters. I didn't have to make my mind up and make those split second decisions about the character, what his likes and dislikes were, and how he would react in given moments. It's been a nice trickle up from the boots, right up to the Prada Right Stuff boiler suit!"

Keating has enjoyed the pace. "It's changed a lot, even in seven months," he explains. "The first time I ever see myself play a particular role on screen, it's always a shock. And God knows it was, on that big screen at Paramount, which is 35-feet high! It wasn't even on a fuzzy little telly so I could hide behind the sofa. It takes me two or three viewings until I start to think that I wasn't so bad in it. It was a little bit disconcerting the first time though. What really got me though, was the scene in the temporal room. I really got excited, because suddenly this pilot looked like a movie. I was really proud that I was in something that was bloody good, and not just some TV sci-fi show. It really looked expensive and exciting. The hairs on the back of my neck went up, and the reaction afterwards in the foyer at Paramount was just so good."

Most of the discoveries about Reed have been as much a surprise to the actor when he receives the scripts as they are to the viewer on transmission.

"There was a time when I was getting a little worried that Malcolm was getting left out of things," he admits. "And that this first thrust of the triumvirate of Archer, Trip and T'Pol, which they obviously had as a game plan, was going to be the plan for the duration. I didn't say anything, but I started to get a little antsy. But luckily I just showed up, I was of service, and did the best with what they gave me. And it worked out, because they started looking at the dynamic between me and other characters, particularly Trip, and they got right on it. There were a couple of scenes in an episode, at about the one-third mark, where it was obvious that as actors he and I had a certain chemistry. We just finished a wonderful episode where we are in a room together on Shuttlepod One. It's him and me for 50 pages, and I never thought I would get that kind of experience and be presented with that kind of challenge as an actor on Enterprise. I've done some really hard-hitting plays here in London - new plays and award-winning stuff - and this was equal to that. And, of course, it's in front of a camera, so you know that instead of an audience of 900, it's going to be seen by an audience of millions. That's exciting!"

Keating is still getting a buzz from the role. "When I walk through what they call the Godfather Alley between Stage 8 and Stage 16 and I turn around, there's the Paramount water tower in the background. I get to my trailer with my name in embossed italics on the door...May that feeling I get never end, and I mean to keep that as close to my heart for as long as I can. There may come a day when that isn't there anymore, so I have to be really aware of it right now."

The cast are all now finding their feet with their characters, and Keating passes on a word of advice that executive producer Brannon Braga gave him. "We were standing outside in the sunshine, and he said, 'Don't be frightened to say to a director that you actually know this better than him. Thanks for the suggestion but that's not going to work in this scene.'" As it's transpired, Keating can't recall a time he's needed to put that into operation, and he has nothing but praise for the various directors who have worked on the show. "Rick Kolbe was wonderful to work with," he enthuses. "I really got on with him. He was open to discussion about the tone and tenor of some scenes. My natural inclination as an actor is sometimes to overact. I grew up as a stage actor, and if you do that in front of a camera, it looks ridiculous."

Keating explains that there's a difference between being a guest actor on a show, as he's done on numerous occasions, and being a series regular. "To be honest, I was still a novice when I came to do Enterprise," he admits. "I hadn't done 15 episodes back-to-back on a drama in front of a camera. I'd done a half-hour sitcom here in London, but that's a whole different ball game. It's a totally different dance. The camera still held a certain fear for me. I wasn't playing to it, but now, I have to say, I'm getting quite good at understanding the language of film and the camera's part in the production process. You play the scene between two people, but open up ever so slightly to let the audience in when you know that it's dramatically right.

"[Laurence] Olivier used to talk about the three 'I's: there's part of you as an actor that knows you are an actor playing a part, there's part of you that must be the part, and there's part of you that knows you are an actor playing a part in front of an audience and never forgets that. The camera is your audience, and I'm slowly and surely growing to really love that audience."

Indeed, Keating loves the camera to the extent that he has started attending the LA Film School, learning how to direct. "I want to take that to Rick Berman, and he'll probably go, 'Oh God, another actor who wants to direct!' I heard that there was this opportunity if you really show the intention, and if you nag him enough, he'll let you do it."

Keating reveals that various scenes in the pilot had to be re-shot after Paramount Pictures studio head Kerry McCluggage queried the hairstyles, particularly "Scott [Bakula's] little beatnik, trendy young haircut, so they gave him a side parting."

Ask about his favourite experience, and without hesitation Keating nominates Shuttlepod One. "I can't tell you how excited I was," he says. "And I get excited when Marvin Rush gets excited. Our director of photography is one of the old hands on the show, and particularly when he's got the camera on his back and he is part of the scene with you, it gets his juices going. I get really excited when I see this 16-year veteran of the franchise get excited about what he's filming."

The conditions under which the episode was shot were different as well. "It was something else!" Keating recalls. "We had three days in an igloo that they built for us. In the show, we'd turned the thermostat down to preserve our oxygen: we're running out of oxygen fast and we're floating in space. They placed six or seven huge air-conditioning units with dry ice everywhere, and put the pod on plinths. They wanted the breath gag, where you can see our breath, but even with dry ice packed everywhere, it wasn't doing it, so before each take one of the prop guys was filling the shuttlepod with liquid nitrogen out of this huge gaping pipe. We were literally frozen to the bone for three days straight, for 15-hour days, but there was something so wonderful about the camaraderie and getting the job done. Connor [Trinneer, a.k.a. Trip] and I put some good stuff in the camera that week. I was worn out when it was over, but the morning after, I'd have got up and done it all again!"

Keating has high hopes for Reed's character development as the seasons progress. "There is some sort of sense that he is an enigma," he says. "I can see in Malcolm, somewhere in that repression, there is a passion that can't quite find its way out. People are going to read this and go, 'It's Star Trek, kiddo!' and yes, it is Star Trek, kiddo, but maybe it will be different. I think Brannon Braga is going to like writing for Malcolm Reed. I think he is the most interesting character on the ship!"

Source: www.dominickeating.com

[fyx-ation]

A Meandering Ramble on FFXVI

Firstly, if you haven't played the game yet or haven't finished the game yet, I suggest scrolling on. If you want a recommendation to play it, the best I can give you is a 7/10. Worth playing. Not the best thing on the market in the same territory but refreshing (I might use that word a lot going forward) and holds interest very well. Like a page-turner of a book.

That said, the rest of my ramble will be behind the cut to spare spoiling others.

Huh. What a strange little game. I actually just finished it, though I do need to go finish the chronolith things at some point. But I wanted to strike while the iron is hot, so this might be all over the place. I usually try to provide some essay-like structure when I write about a game... But I'm not really feelin' it since I've been working 5am shifts for a while and my brain is fried.

I have not read or watched any other reviews or summaries or impressions of the game. I didn't want my opinion to be tainted by bias because some creator or another loved or hated it.

It is Very Pretty. But perhaps not in a PS5 sort-of rock your eyeballs way. It handles like the Witcher III and Final Fantasy had an off-putting love-child. By that, I mean just the walking around and interacting with things reminds me of Witcher. Casual conversations are overheard from NPCs, and occasionally one that will actually speak to you (Clive) even if they aren't offering a quest or incentive. Facial animations, weather/landscape animations. Very Pretty but maybe a smidge outdated? How is that possible? Everything is lovely! But a little stiff if it's not an important, scripted, you-can't control your character here, sort of scene. The ones that aren't separately rendered cutscenes but still have extra polish? Yeah, not those.

You know what else this game reminds me of? Mass Effect (or Dragon Age). There's no open world to explore. There are pocket maps that you can return to from your Normandy Hideaway, but usually you're just sent there to do a mission quest or hunt or something.

So, let's deconstruct that a little. I think and hope that the producers of this game looked at what has been working and what has landed with the fan-base like a sopping wet diaper. Open world fatigue? Absolutely real. Stamina bars? Fuck right off. Pacing the game out with enormous, unskippable BS like a car ride because the plot is paper thin? Nope!

Does it work for a Final Fantasy game, though? See, this is where the conversation gets choppy. (While I didn't interact with reviews, I did see some plumes of smoke on the horizon in the form of thumbnails and the like). Some people are ride or die "this ain't MY final fantasy." Worse, some are like "this isn't a JRPG q_q."

Personally, I let that ship sail years ago. I loved the old turn-based games, don't get me wrong. I lament there aren't that many on the market anymore. But I've moved on. 16 is probably the biggest departure so far from that. Excluding the online games, they've been moving away from that format since 12. 13 was the last to have party members who you can actually control. (I'm not counting the 7 remake here, either) 16 doesn't have a party system. You can't swap Thane Krios (my space boyfriend) in when you fast travel from your hideaway to the next story beat. It's just the protag and whatever side piece is relevant at the moment, and that side character just does their own thing.

Do I like it? Ehh.... yes and no. Clive doesn't talk to himself or them much, so I feel like a lot more banter was needed. I could see why they left it out on the battle maps ("Hey, Clive, remember when were playing checkers and mom kicked the board because oh hello Mr. Behemoth."). But in city hubs? More banter, please. Even more conversations like the newer God of War games have would be most welcome.

And controlling just Clive? It's fine. I am A-okay with it. Combat's really fun, even when I'm not playing at my best and half-dozing on the couch. It's better than holding down the circle button (15 shaming is my kink). It's all amazingly refreshing in comparison to SE's other departures from turn-based battles. It's the first one so far (again excluding ff7r) to actually succeed at doing something different.

But I would not recommend the game to anyone on that alone. If they were looking for a hack n' slash pew pew magic pew game, I'd suggest the newer God of Wars first.

This is where I'm on the fence about how to judge the game as a whole because it isn't SPECTACULAR. It's good. Combat's good. Story is decent. Side characters are interesting (though some are woefully under-cooked, including Jill, whom I often compared to a piece of cardboard while talking to friends). Pacing a HUGE improvement from previous installments, though the last few hours of the game are weirdly smooshed into sidequests which aren't really sidequests because they are invaluable to the story and the game expects you to do them.

However. The world-building, which is very nice, is padded with lore directories just to clarify shit to people who have no idea what the fuck is going on or who have maybe missed or forgotten details that flesh out the motivations of everyone on the two continents. Did you forget who was fighting who while Clive was was off kicking boxes? Boy, do we have the right solution for that: it's LORE DUMP MAN and his faithful sidekick MAP TIMELINE WOMAN. I'm not saying they are bad things... just... odd. Heavy-handed? I love it when games offer some sort of journal to keep me on track or remind me of things, and yet they feel like they were put in this game because things are a bit blurry for the first third. They throw a lot of names at you, a lot of factions, and a lot of talk of different battles that you don't even witness so the only way to clarify all that is to be given Baby's First Overview. I think that might be indicative of a small failing on the game's part. Lots of telling with little showing often leads to lore dumps in RPGs, because it's critical that you understand for the sake of the story. Weirdly, there actually aren't a lot of exposition dumps in the actual gameplay. I guess they couldn't find a happy medium.

It's late. Gotta get up at 4, so I'll bring this ramble to a close for now. I'll talk about tone and themes later, probably.

Is it worth $70 and satisfying? Mostly. If you like button mashing combat and fantasy, sure. If you're a die-hard FF person, sure, but bolster your expectations as it doesn't really fit that mold. Anyone else that's curious, I'd say wait for a sale or promotion.

TBC

[discursivetacenda]

current things

tagged by @ossified-hypothesis

3 ships: currently? god, i haven't shipped anything in years. i'm an old fandom head and kinda drifted outta it as life took over. i don't even read much fanfic lately (woe!) but some old stand bys will always be … Hardison/Parker/Spencer from Leverage; Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes or Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson from MCU; Watson/Sherlock from the bendydick cucumberpatch Sherlock.

last song: i was just listening to Boys & Girls by Alabama Shakes (whole album, but the song is pretty damn good too). shout out to larry back at mercer in 2019, who put me up on brittany howard and said i looked like i would like them. i remember almost nothing else of working there, but he was definitely not wrong.

currently reading: on audiobook, i'm about halfway through His Majesty's Dragon by Naomi Novik. which is turning out more enjoyable than her Scholomance series so. in paperback, i'm about halfway through The Last Bookaneer by Matthew Pearl. been slogging through that one for a year or so, and got it almost a decade ago (yike)… it's just not what i thought it was gonna be.

last movie: uhhhhhhhhhhhh. this is the full adhd brain of "i've never seen a movie in my life" when actually it's probably that i just watched Pacific Rim again. because perfect movie. if it wasn't that, then it mighta been Barbie? i think i just rewatched it lately.

currently watching: flipping between One Piece (the anime) and Almost Human and Swamp Thing. because i can't stay focused on much lately, and half the time i end up just playing books in my headphones or watching a bunch of woodturning and sewing on youtube. makers are awesome.

currently craving: a job? i'm mostly craving an end to this lull of no work and no money. but mostly i'm craving… idk, maybe some snuggles with the boyfriend and then the partner going over to his FWB's house and the peace that settles when that happens.

currently consuming: i just made fries and a nacho cheese style sauce, so that's on the docket. i'm currently in a pause on consuming yarn for a blanket… hadta buy new because my stash ran out.

tagging.... @jabberwockypie, @nothowtheforceworks, @scorpiarius94, and anyone else who wants to?

[kulliare]

12! 13! 18!

12) the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

i rly tried to think about this but i generally am a character liker.. like i guess nate from fried tasso, though i wouldn't say i LOVE him. i haven't been watching the show lately though bc i find the quality has been lacking and i have like. maybe 20% interest to watch, wah

also adachi from persona 4 i guess. he's my favorite misogynist and i think he's better than akechi from p5 in terms of like. idk flair and stinkiness which makes him interesting

13) worst blorboficiation

this question is terrible for me because i usually am doing the blorboification-- i'm a sucker for hurt / comfort and the sensation of like, reading a character completely break down and someone being like, hey it's chill just Does Something To Me. i used to love this trope so much i would read fuckin anything, even if the char who was going "oh it's chill" was being widely OOC or the pairing was straying into toxic dependency territory even tho the author obviously meant it as romantic. i know other people reading h/c experience the Sensation but for me it's just like. such a whole body experience LMAO

i think the answer for this for me would have to be loki, though.. like a lot of the fics i read during pandemic about him kind of slot in the area i describe above. i can see it's charms and how it can be comforting (because it was to me, during that time) but it just makes me wince to the point where i'll dig through my bookmarks and then get to the point where i was going a bit back to loki and then be like, fuck, i can't really feel like i like this anymore.

18) it’s absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on…

gen fic / character studies i think. like i read a lot of ship fic (or used to) but i think the ones that stick out in my head the most are the ones that flesh out something new about canon rather than repeating tropes. it's a tough line to walk because sometimes i'll read a fic and it sometimes reads as self-insert, but when you find one that connects to canon and does the character justice? i am slamming my hand on the desk. i am flailing. i am going apeshit.

i think i've read like 3 fics that qualify under this tier and they're probably my favorite, like i can still remember them after like fuckin YEARS.

thx for da asks <3

[purplesurveys]

1714

Have you ever seen an emu in real life, whether in captivity or the wild? I have never.

When was the last time you visited your state’s biggest city? I live in it.

Do you remember what colour the eyes were of the last person you spoke to? Dark brown, as all Filipinos have.

Have you eaten pasta in the past week? Sure. It was fast food spaghetti but still.

Did you pierce your ears yourself or have it done by a professional? I'm pretty sure my parents had it done by a professional. I had been a few weeks or months old after all.

Are you wearing any shoes right now? No.

How many letters are in your surname? Six.

Do you enjoy Burger King? Their burgers are good but Burger King is honestly something I just never seem to look for? Idk, lol. Like I'll never say no to it, but I also don't ever go, "I think I'll get Burger King today." In general I guess I'm also not into fast food burgers much, unless it's Jollibee.

Have you ever worn bell bottom jeans? I don't think I've ever, actually.

How far away from your house is the nearest ice cream place? The nearest one I know of is around a 30 minute drive away.

What colour is your kitchen counter? It's a shade of peach.

When was the last time you washed the dishes? Not a plate but I washed my glass around half an hour ago before I settled in my room.

Do you own a lot of cookbooks? We don't have, like, a bookshelf's worth of cookbooks if that's what you mean by 'a lot,' but I'd say we have more than average. My dad's a chef, so he liked to collect them early on in his career.

How many rooms are in your house? Four.

Have you ever seen American Pie? I haven't. I heard of it a lot as a kid but was also always warned not to watch it, so I kind of brought that with me until now. I still have no clue what that show(?) is about haha.

What do you think of Leonardo DiCaprio? He's really good-looking and an even better actor but I do find his dating choices quite weird given his age.

Do you stay in touch with many people from high school or college? It's a good number. Most of my current circles are from my years in school.

Are you feeling nervous about anything right now? Just a little bit, but I'm trying not to think of it now so I can focus on my weekend and free time.

How many cars can your driveway and garage hold? Technically just one, but we have some extra space around the backyard area and our front yard so we're able to have our two other cars fit in those slots. Mainly so that we don't block the road because it's so annoying that most of the nighbors do that.

When was the last time you were late for something? Around a month ago for one of our events. My teammates arrived earlier to cover for me first so I wasn't too worried, and I was mostly stressed because of the traffic and because the driver kept on heading towards turns that led to more traffic.

Do you own an iPod, and if so, what type? I have not used an iPod since high school.

Did you ever play Stardoll when you were younger? I don't think I've ever heard of that.

Is there a university in your town or city? Yes. There's a small local one literally right beside our village gate.

What’s your father’s handwriting like? The hilarious thing is I don't even know what his handwriting looks like because he writes so rarely. He just...signs. I should hand him a blank piece of paper one of these days and just ask him to write random phrases so I can finally know hah.

Have you ever lived on a farm? Haven't.

Are you hung up on anybody right now? No.

Do you eat fries one by one or in big bunches? Just one each, every time. I always eat stuff like fries by piece.

Did you wash your hair last time you showered? Yeah I never skip anything when I take a bath.

Has anyone ever ransacked your bedroom? Apparently my mom did because that's how she came to read my diary when I wasn't around. I've always been a bit peeved about her entering my room since then.

Do you have any weird sleeping habits that people have told you about? No. I also don't like sleeping with people around, so that's also probably why no one has ever told me anything.

Do you enjoy That 70s Show? I tried getting into it but couldn't understand the humor right from the first episode - either that or I just simply found it unfunny, idk - so I didn't really care to watch the rest.

Are there any clouds in the sky, and what colour are they? Well right now it's 2:01 AM so everything looks black/super sper super dark blue.

Do you think you’re fast at typing? I know I'm fast, haha.

What was the last type of pizza you ate? Pepperoni, but I removed all the pepperoni from the slices I took as I don't like it.

How old are you? 25. WOW I can't believe I'm 25

Do you know anyone with an unusual middle name? Yes.

Would you consider yourself to be intelligent? Only in select aspects.

Have you ever waxed your eyebrows? Nope.

What does your shampoo smell like? Just...idk like a refreshing one?? It doesn't have a distinct scent.

Have you ever passed gas in front of your significant other? I don't like farting hahaha I always suppress mine. Only my sister has heard me do it and that's because those got out accidentally.

Do you have any big regrets in your life? I wouldn't say big, but there have been a few medium-sized regrets here and there.

What colour is the ground or floor where you are right now? Brown.

Do you live on a street, avenue, road etc.? Street.

Can you taste anything right now? Just the remnants of my coffee.

What was the last board game you played? I don't play board games but I played Anomia with my family the other night.

Are you renting the house you’re currently living in? No.

Do you listen to Guns n Roses? Other than the like two songs I know of theirs, no.

How old were you when you had your first boyfriend or girlfriend? I was uhhhhhhh 16, I think.

Have you ever been a bridesmaid? A junior bridesmaid, if that counts; my aunt had that kind of gimmick during her wedding. I was 8 and didn't actually do anything in the role.

Has the sun already set for the day? Forever ago. It's about to rise in a couple of hours or so.

Do you know how to tie a tie? No. I had to wear a necktie from kinder to high school but since I didn't know how to tie ties I just kept the knot and wore it like I would a necklace for the 14 years I studied there hahah.

What are the age gaps between you and your siblings? 2 and 5.

Does your birthday come before June 19th in a calendar year? No, before.

Do you pay attention to the FIFA World Cup? If so, what team do you go for? I'm paying attention to the Women's World Cup right now because 1) one of my clients is the Philippine team's official outfitter so we have had a million and one events related to the World Cup; and 2) THE PHILIPPINES IS (well, was now since we're out...but still) IN THE WORLD CUP FOR THE FIRST TIME. Made the entire country turn into rabid football fans overnight lol it's so surreal to see it all unfold. I love our girls :')

Even if PH got booted though I catch up whenever I can! Some narratives have been super heartwarming, like Jamaica's who apparently had to do crowdfunding to even get to the tournament in the first place.

Are you on any medications right now? I am not.

[pbandjesse]

I went back and read a few posts from 2020 because Jess had a question about something. And I was so depressed during that time. It wasn't even that I was saying I was sad but the way I was writing you could just feel it. There was no emotion behind it at all. Made me very sad.

But today was a good day and I hope that I can share that with you. I slept all right last night. And I woke up after James had left for work. I was pretty cold. But I got up and I felt all right.

I got dressed and made the bed and decided I would clean right away. A vacuumed and I swiffer day and I wiped down some surfaces. I sprayed down the bathroom. I didn't do everything but I didn't want I felt good about it.

That took about an hour and after I did that I made a bagel and I watch some videos on my phone for a bit. Then I would work in the bedroom on cleaning up some clothes and pulling out some stuff from storage. Then I decided I wanted to put all the faces on the bears that I sold yesterday. A few of the big ones are very strangely shaped. Their heads are very wrong. But that's okay.

I was having a nice time. I shook the rugs outside and I decided I would start playing around with packing for a honeymoon.

It's not fun doing actually pack and believe it that way. But I like practicing packing and I think it's fun. So I got my list out and I started pulling everything out the closet and the other places I had stuff.

I didn't get everything out. I didn't get like all the medications and things like that. But I started with the clothes and some other stuff that. And kind of figured out how much space they would each take up in the bags. And I got a little overwhelmed at one point but overall I was having a very good time and I think I have a good handle on what needs to go in what bag at least. And how much space things are going to take up in the long run.

One of the biggest things I found out is that my blanket scarf does not fit in my panda duffel bag. And that the best course of action is to put all of my socks in underwear in it but then I have lots of space in my suitcase. So that was very nice to figure out early on.

Once I put everything away I had a snack and started doing some research on the previous metal clay I have some gift card money out aside for. I was getting a little overwhelmed by choices and so I went to get the laptop to look at everything on a larger screen. And then the laptop wasn't working and I was getting more and more frustrated and just not having a good time.

I texted James to tell them and they tried to help but weren't understanding the issue at first. But then they did and they helped do the research from their end and helped answer my questions and I think I know what I'll get now. I'm excited to try a new thing in the new year.

James asked me to go get plain yogurt for naan for dinner. So I put tights on and walked to the store. I had some nice music to listen to and it was good to get outside for a few minutes. It was a nice day. I am lucky I can walk to a grocery store even if it's a shitty one. I would get yogurt and a rice pudding and frozen french fries. And then I went home.

James would get home while I was chilling in bed with Sweetp. They brought me a package of slipper socks, which are a late Christmas gift. I love them. Haven't taken them off since they gave them to me..

Then James went to make us really nice Indian food for dinner. We used the jasmine rice this time and it didn't taste like dishwater and I enjoyed the entire meal a lot better.

We ate in the livingroom and watched a video. And soon James was getting on their call to record their podcast. I went to the studio to work on stuffing the bears from earlier. I also started making a bead tiara because I saw someone on TikTok do it and I thought it would be fun and it was. I need a new thick type hot glue gun though because the two I have are trash. But whatever. It was still a good time.

I got in bed after that because I was chilly.

I have been texting with Jess because one of her chickens are molting and is getting hurt by the others so now she's not sure she's going to come visit tomorrow. Which is understandable. I don't want us to get in a weird spot like we have before but I am working every Saturday until my birthday and I have gotten my feelings hurt when she didn't understand that. Like especially now that she makes way better money then me, I can't take off. I don't get vacation days. I can make my schedule work for me and the trips I want to take but if I schedule work days they stay like that. I have to make money however I can. But thankfully she understands, I think, and she's going to come on a Saturday afternoon after I'm done work or just wait until my birthday and come for the whole weekend. Maybe both. Who knows. I hope her chicken is okay.

I just got a very weird message on Instagram that I think is probably part of a scam. They don't have any posts but want to collaborate with me on a mural by using one of my photos and they would pay me? And I said what post/photo exactly are we talking about. And they were like great excited to work with you! It's actually a 50x50 oil painting. And I'm like. That is not a mural. And because I felt like it was sketch I said no thank you. And they were like. What? What are you saying?? And I'm just like. I am not interested in a collaboration. We'll see if they say anything else but it gave me weird vibes.

Now I am going to go take a shower. James just finished reading a book. I feel cozy and happy.

I hope I feel good tomorrow too. I hope to do more organizing maybe. And bake some cookies, as James made me dough last night. I hope it's a good day. I hope you all sleep good and stay safe tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!!

[eldritchsurveys]

1215.

Thoughts on Pokemon Go? >> I think it’s a neat concept. I don't play it, personally, because I'm not into the gameplay aspect of Pokémon (I just think the creatures are fun).

What podcasts do you listen to, if any? >> I don't, it's not a form of media I feel like I have any time in my life to devote to (considering all the other media I interact with already). The only podcast I ever listened to more than like 3 episodes of is Welcome to Night Vale, back when that was new and popular. I would still listen to it but I'm just so far behind in it by now that I can't be bothered. But who knows what the future holds. I do keep up with another podcast through its transcripts (I've actually never listened to it, only read it; I might go back and listen to at least a few episodes eventually now that I'm already invested, but we'll see) -- The Silt Verses.

Which period of history was your favorite to learn about in school? >> I didn't enjoy history in school at all. Which makes sense, since in most USAmerican public schools, "history class" is more like "memorise a bunch of dates and historical figures, most of which are related to all the wars the US has started or escalated, whilst we fill your heads with a bunch of patriotic atrocity-whitewashing nonsense class".

If you’re a tea drinker, what’s your tea of choice? If not, what’s your favorite beverage in general? >> Lapsang souchong is my top favourite, but that's hard to get a hold of so mostly I drink my other faves -- various herbals and such.

What was your most recent binge watch? >> I don't binge-watch things. The most episodes of something I'll watch in a day is 4, and that's for shows that run 20-30 minutes per episode, like anime.

What’s the oldest thing currently in your house? >> I have no idea.

What’s something silly you believed as a child? >> Nothing comes to mind.

What’s the last thing you cooked or heated up? >> The last thing I heated up was a sandwich in the toaster oven. The last thing I cooked was rice cooker fried rice.

Are you excited at all for the upcoming Olympics? .

Last video game you played? >> FFXIV.

Which of your parents’ birthdays did you last celebrate? What did you do? .

If you use Snapchat, do you post to your story or send individual snaps more often? .

Have you ever used a power tool? Which one? .

Is your favorite color the same as when you were a kid? >> I don't think I had one when I was a child.

Can you see a picture frame from where you are? What’s in that frame? >> The picture frame on the shelf across the room from me has a Dark Tower art print in it. The one next to it has a stylised drawing of New Orleans.

What is your go-to summer outfit? >> Cutoff shorts and a t-shirt is the easiest thing right now. I really need more clothes. The cutoff shorts technically don't even fit, they're too tight.

If you have Facebook, what is one of the topic trending right now? If you don’t, what is the most recent news you heard? >> I use the Facebook Purity extension, so I don't see any of that other shit. My feed is strictly people and pages I follow. I also haven't heard any recent news from any other source. Who was the last person you know to graduate? .

Think of the farthest place you’ve traveled to. Do you have any souvenirs from there? >> The farthest I’ve travelled is from NY to Colorado (and back). I don’t have any souvenirs from either place.

Does your town put on any fireworks displays for the 4th of July and/or other holidays? >> There is a formal display that the city itself puts on (it's Saturday the 6th, this year), but fireworks are legal for regular people to purchase too, unfortunately, so basically I've been hearing fireworks for the past week and will continue to hear them until midmonth.

Do you know the number of the fire truck/engine closest to your house? >> I do not.

Have you ever met anyone the EXACT same age as you (some birthdate and year)? >> I don't think so.

When was the last time you or someone else said/used your middle name for something? >> Whenever I go to a food place where you give your name so they can call for you when your order is ready, I use my middle name. It's easier to parse than my first name, which saves everyone time and saves me an annoyance.

Do you own anything covered in glitter? >> I do not.

When was the last time you rolled your eyes? At what? >> I did watch some Riverdale earlier so I probably comically rolled my eyes at something on there, lol. Oh you know what, it was probably when Veronica said "mobsplain". Dialogue in this show really cracks me up sometimes.

Have you ever helped plan a wedding? >> Mine, yeah. Do you get overwhelmed easily? >> You have no idea.

Do you like mozzarella sticks? >> Eh. I get the appeal when they're piping hot but as soon as they cool down even an iota they turn into like... fried glue.

What was the last blue thing you touched? >> There's a body pillow next to me that's blue, and I'm sure I've touched that at some point today.

What was the last email you sent about? .

If you had to name one of your children after a friend, solely based on their name alone, who would you choose? .

Do you like caramel? >> I do, but I'm really picky about it. I don't like the caramel you'd find in most common candies. It's like a cheap imitation of the actual thing.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #216

What is the last song that you had on repeat? Uh I feel like it was "Blind and Frozen" by Beast In Black.

Do you believe that one day the sun will burn out? ... No shit? This is scientific fact? Like it's not gonna happen in my lifetime, but it WILL happen.

What’s your homepage when you bring up the internet? Just Google.

Have you ever cracked your phone screen before? I haven't, actually.

Do you like Train’s music? I do. They write some of my all-time favorite love songs.

Have you ever seen the movie High School Musical? Yes. My younger sister (who I shared a room with) was particularly obsessed with it.

Are you excited to pick out your wedding dress one day? I am, but I'm also not looking forward to trying multiple on and possibly being picky. I can't imagine myself being one of those people that tries on dozens and dozens, though.

Does it bother you when an artist remake a song that one has previously done? Not at all. I like plenty of covers, especially if I enjoy the original song.

How many times have you had sex within the past two years? Guesstimate? Actual sex, zero. For reasons that are sometimes very hard to deal with.

Can people read your facial expressions easily? If so, why is this? Yes, because I'm very bad at hiding my feelings on my face.

When was the last time your area had a tornado warning, if ever? I can't remember. We get plenty of tornado watches this time of year, but warnings are rarer.

Does it scare you when the sky gets really cloudy and dark during the day? Yes, because I'm terrified of the potential of tornadoes. Thunderstorms themselves don't scare me, it's just the fact that they can spawn tornadoes.

Have you ever ran from the police? No.

Have you ever watched The Walking Dead? I haven't.

Do you like horses? I do.

Snakes? I love snakes.

Cats? I sure do.

Have you ever driven an electric car? No.

Have you ever eaten moussaka? I don't even know what that is.

What breed was the last dog you saw? Chihuahua.

Do you ever fact-check the things you read on the internet? Not everything, I don't regularly care enough about what I might randomly read, but especially if it's a topic I'm invested in, I certainly will.

Have you ever had a parrot sit on your shoulder? No.

What was the last caffeinated drink you had? Mountain Dew.

With a fried egg, do you prefer the yolk runny or set? I won't eat a fried egg because I cannot stand yolk like that.

Have you ever planned a wedding? Not really. I mean sure, I have plans for my own, but we're definitely not at the "real" planning stage yet.

Do you have any pimples right now? No.

Have you ever painted a rock? I don't think so.

Do you ever shop at Aldi? Do you even have one nearby? There's one very near here, and Mom goes there rarely. She loves the prices there compared to elsewhere, Walmart is just easier for us.

What are some of your favourite snacks? Right now I'm in an insane pickle episode. In general though, I love chips, or Cheez-its. Small candies that come in packages like peach rings or Skittles I also like a lot. We don't tend to keep snacks like that in the house though, so I'm more likely to have something like a cashew bar or Special K blueberry snack bar... thingy.

What has been the best thing to happen to you in the past year? Honestly, becoming more aware of and better understanding my autism. I've come to accept myself much more, instead of just thinking I'm fucking weird with stupid quirks that could never make sense to anyone else. I still want an official diagnosis, but I firmly believe I don't need it, at least for myself.

Are you prone to jealousy? Nope. It's happened, but I definitely don't experience it much.

How did you get through the lowest point in your life? Look, to be totally real with you, I was too afraid to actually kill myself. I had no other choice but to just ride it out.

Have you ever been someone's first love? I suppose possibly Sara, but idk. She dated people before me, but I don't remember her ever mentioning truly loving somebody.

How old were you when you got your first gaming console, and what kind was it? The OG PlayStation. Idk how old I was, I think we had it when I was born.

What is your favorite food to put gravy on? I hate gravy.

Do you know anyone from Canada? Yes.

What's your opinion on astrology? It's dumb as hell and for insanely gullible people that generally don't want to take responsibility for their own flaws.

Do you use TikTok? No.

Do you ever get super bad buzzing in your ears? Not really, no. I've had rare instances of minor ringing, but nothing severe, for which I'm very thankful.

Do you know anyone who has actually been in an alcohol or drug-related crash? I do. She lost her best friend, who was in the car with her, because of it. They were both high, or possibly drunk, one or the other. It took years upon years upon years until she seemed okay again.

Did you celebrate Father's Day? No. I sent him a message and was happy to hear he hadn't touched a cigarette in two days, but that was all. We've usually gone out to lunch, but my sisters never mentioned it this year.

Do you hate how being bisexual is like a trend? It's not a trend, shut the fuck up.

Have you ever gotten a professional massage? No, this would be insanely uncomfortable for me.

Do you have a good relationship with your first love? We don't have a relationship, period.

What is something you’re currently nervous about? This weekend. I'm going to my first Pride event ever but it's supposed to be scorchingly hot and I have hyperhidrosis.

Are you dealing with any health-related problems right now? I always am.

Are you experiencing problems within a current relationship? No.

Do you find that caffeinated or alcoholic drinks make you pee more than normal? Water makes me pee more than anything else. I don't drink alcohol enough to have noticed for that, but there are sometimes where if I drink a soda, I have to go to the bathroom pretty quickly.

Do you still enjoy watching Disney movies? I sure do.

What are some interests you have in common with your parents? My mom likes writing, even if she doesn't really do it. When she was younger, she also enjoyed drawing, but that's another thing she doesn't do anymore. I *enjoy* fishing like my dad, even though I don't think fishing for fun is moral.

How old were you when your parents trusted you to stay home alone all day? I don't remember.

Do you drink more or less water than is recommended? Technically still less, I'm sure. I think the very vast majority of people don't drink the amount that is technically advised.

Do you go on vacation with your family a lot? Where was the last place you went? We never go on vacations. At least, Mom doesn't, and I live with/under her. We can't afford to.

What do your parents think about piercings and tattoos? Do you agree with them? My mom doesn't care. She doesn't LIKE all piercings or tattoos, but she has nothing against them in general. I'm like my mom in that respect, but I'm even more open and accepting of them. My dad doesn't seem too bothered by piercings, he was never against me getting any, but he was shocked and nervous when he found out about me getting a tattoo. Mine don't seem to bother him though.

What are your religious beliefs? Are these the same as your parents’? I am an atheist, but sometimes with some agnostic-leaning wonderings. Both my parents are Christians, which I am definitely not.

Do you remember The Land Before Time movies? Who was your favorite character? I do, but I think I only saw the first two, maybe three. I know I loved them, though. I don't remember my favorite character as a child, maybe Littlefoot.

What’s your favorite genre of book to read? Animal fantasy.

Are you one of those people who texts back instantly? Almost always.

What’s your favourite place to get pizza from? Domino's.

Think of the last verbal argument you were in; what caused it? My mom having main character in life syndrome and refusing to even entertain the possibility of her ever, ever being wrong. I had to blow the fuck up to Girt, she and I have butted heads a lot lately and I finally snapped in half. I hadn't been that angry in god knows how long.

Does your refrigerator have one door or two? Two, side-by-side. Left is the freezer, right is the fridge.

Do you smoosh bugs, or just let ‘em go? I tend to ignore them, but if it's a spider, I will try to take it outside so Mom doesn't kill it. I never kill bugs, unless it's like, an ant in the house. Absolutely never, ever outside.

Would you ever kiss someone with facial hair? I've done this plenty and would keep doing it. Sometimes Girt has stubble anyway and it doesn't bother me at all.

Have you ever drooled in public? I feel like I have a little bit at least once while sleeping in the college library.

Have you ever been bitten by a dog? No.

Would you ever shave your head? No, not me personally. Female-presenting individuals can look amazing with no (or very little) hair, but it's definitely not for me.

Would you ever meet someone you met online? I've done this before and want to meet at least Mazzy and Tez. Shaz would be amazing, too, as well as Sam and his wife.

Where do you wanna live when you grow up? The more mountainous area of NC. Blue Ridge Mountains would be the absolute dream.

Would you get married if you could right now? I'd get engaged. I'd like to lose weight before my wedding... but by now idk if it's ever gonna fuckin' happen.

What color are your eyes? Grayish blue.

Who was your first good kiss with? Jason was my first kiss and he was perfectly fine at kissing.

Would you kiss this person again? If I actually loved him again, yes, but I will never let myself have that kind of relationship with him ever again.

Who was your hottest bf/gf besides the one you have now? Jason.

How often do you drink water? A lot a day, I don't actually track it.

Name something that is on your bedroom wall? Above my bed and framing some plant art I have up is a branching string of circular lights that's meant to look like a vine or something. I only really turn the lights on if I'm reading in bed, but it's super cozy.

If you could paint your walls any color what would it be? Because I'm going for a nature theme in there right now, I'd probably go for a light green.

What are you drinking right now? Raspberry lemonade-flavored water.

What does your phone case look like? I don't have a case. I'd like one, but that's not something I can just casually afford to buy and it's certainly not important enough to be on my gift wishlist.

What do you take the most pictures of? My cat, lol.

If you could be a professional in any sport what would it be? Dance.

When was the last time you made dinner? Tonight; Mom was too tired to cook. I just put popcorn shrimp in the air fryer.

Who do you want to be buried next to? I'd prefer to be cremated and have my ashes spread than be buried.

Do you have any hickeys on you? No.

Who did you last share a bed with? Girt.

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? As of this year, yes.

What are you listening to right now? I'm watching some of John Wolfe's Baldur's Gate 3 LP. I'm not very far from being done, I just ventured into watching other stuff for a while.

Do you get blizzards where you live? No.

What’s something you prefer to keep private? Sexual information/past.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? The Handmaid's Tale.

Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No.

Have you ever saved someone’s life? She says so, but more than anything it was me coincidentally sending a message at the right time.

[greydiminishing]

Jan 20, 2024

Since my last writing about two and a half weeks ago, I've packed up, moved 6 hours away to school, unpacked and moved in, and had a whole week of classes! Well almost whole, it was a 4 day week.

I am doing,, just okay. I am so excited to be back on campus and in school. But I feel super behind since I've failed so many classes previously, and took basically 3 semesters off. I'm essentially a 22 year old 3rd year. I've been a student in this school for five years. I was supposed to graduate this year, but I have two more years left, at minimum. Some of the kids I have classes with were highschool freshmen when I was a college freshman. I feel self consious and ashamed about that.

I also feel like i'm already behind in some classes after only two actual class sessions (tues/thurs and wed/fri classes). I didnt get as much studying done as I would've liked in those five weeks that i time blocked (But getting into time blocking was definitely worth it, thats helping me so much).

I haven't had to do any actual math in TWO YEARS. I celebrated taking the "last math class of my life", completely forgetting that I need to take a calc-based physics class. Now im struggling in class to find the sides of a triangle with sohcahtoa 😭 If i don't glue my eyeballs to khan academy i'm gonna be a wreck trying to integrate and find derivatives.

And one class has an "Assignment 0" which is just downloading and setting up all the software we're gonna be using, and just trying to clone my gitlab repository took me several hours to figure out.

All the deadlines and assignments and quizzes and project dates has my head spinning. One class requires you to upload your notes to the lecture video before every single class (m/w/f class, so 3 times a week), and its something like 10% of your final grade. Idk i just think thats stupid lol. And I can't help but write notes differently when i'm concious of the fact that someone else will be reading them :/

But I will be studying hard, and getting stuff done early as to not fall behind.

That was academics, now onto my roommates.

I was placed in a random campus apartment with 3 other roommates. We each have our own room, but share the living room and kitchen. They're nice and i want to be their friend so bad, but I'm so socially awkward and i don't know how to make friends 😭. The thing is, I'm coming into "their" apartment mid-academic year, and thats only because their other friend moved out for an internship or something, so I got put in the vacant room. They're already a little friendgroup, the three of them plus the friend that moved out which they're still in group chats with. They might've even know each other before living here, they seem pretty close.

They're not intentionally excluding me or anything, but everytime i'm chatting with them it feels so awkward, and when I go back to my room and I can hear their fun conversations finally ignite. They talk about their mutual friends, and their parents, and plans to roadtrip. Then I go back out to fill my water bottle or make tea or something, mostly an excuse to join their conversation, and the conversation goes back to quiet and polite. I know I act the same way around new people as well, so its not their fault, but I dont know what to do, how to get around this. I heard them from my room talking about anime, and I so badly wanted to join them, but I didn't know how to do so naturally without creeping them out like I was eavesdropping their convo the whole time. You can only go fill your waterbottle so many times.

Its already the end of week 1 and i've barely talked to them. I'm afraid if we don't get more friendly soon, as time progresses, we'll get more stuck in the same routine and we'll only be able to be awkward and quiet around each other for the rest of the semester. I want to suggest we order some food tonight and maybe watch a movie, but idk is that weird? To suggest out of nowhere and not really knowing them? And theres no TV so we'd have to watch on someones laptop. Aughhhh idk. Plus I really need to get started on all this work i already have. Maybe i'll suggest it next weekend.

I'm already planning on making cookies for everyone tomorrow. A freshly baked cookie is the way to friendship, surely?

[shepgarrus]

10 mutuals I’d like to know better

tagged by @misseffect, doing it right away so that i actually fucking DO a tag game for once lmao

below a cut because i RAMBLED:

Last song I listened to: when i saw this it was Eye To Eye by Limelight

Favourite content to watch: oh god. i've never had to think about this let alone put it into words. i like to watch kpop stuff, mostly dance practises (for seeing the choreography) or performances, or just jamming out late at night to old favorite songs. i also watch too much MBTI stuff the eternal fruitless search to determine if i'm intp or intj. in particular this girl is an AMAZING actress so my hours spent watching her double as acting research at least, lmao. other than that i like random interesting educational documentaries or whatever. i have the algorithm so set on kpop on my main gmail account though that i rarely see them lol

Favourite games: MARIOKART. mass effect is okay too ;) i just suck at shooters rip OH I COULD TALK ABOUT NON-VIDEO GAME GAMES. bridge is my favorite card game, i loved president/janitor in school too. for board games i love monopoly (i've recently started to play against myself with various 'strategy profiles' for the 'other players' and a spreadsheet to keep track of the money)

Favourite colour: purple

Favourite animal: SNAKES. in fact i have a purple snake plushie beside me right now

Favourite food: pemmican - fully dehydrated meat (not jerky, which still has moisture and is also usually flavored with spices) that's ground up into powder or near-powder and then mixed with rendered animal fat. or what i usually do because i'm lazy, 'lazy-man's pemmican' - the dehydrated meat strips dipped in the fat manually (with salt) (and when it's with salt and the beef fat batch has some factor in its making that i have yet to discern the source of, it straight up tastes just like McDonalds french fries)

Sweet, spicy or savoury: savoury

Current obsessions: oh my god i don't currently have any all-consuming ones..................maybe that's why i feel off xD

Last book I read: The Last Man by Mary Shelley and when i tell you it was the BIGGEST slog of a book. like it was good but i have NEVER read a book so slowly holy shit, at one point i did ten pages in thirty minutes? my dude?????

Last thing I Googled: “korean surnames” because i knew the wikipedia page would have a particular chinese character i wanted to check the definition of

Relationship: single from the womb, single to the tomb B)

Fun fact: god does this even count but. i'm feeling like going unhinged (for me) and going on a trip alone to south korea for however long my money lasts or until i'm not having fun. i've never been overseas or properly travelled let alone travelled alone, i know less than 100 words of the language (i'm speedrunning rosetta stone but it's not gonna be enough if the trip happens in the less than a month my unhinged-ness is leaning towards for irl reasons), i've never even had korean food i just know their stuff is healthy (and spicy. so i may just die on day 1 who knows lol)

Tagging @venividivictorious @comp-lady @wingsy-keeper-of-songs @heat-sink uuuuuuuh i'll stop there because i haven't been around much recently and i can't think of anyone else that i know hasn't been tagged yet xD but if you want to do it consider yourself tagged! a reward for reading my rambles