#i just can't keep up i've gotten like 5 long messages about since i posted the first anon i got about it

[dylanconrique]

guys, it's 3:30am where i'm at.... i don't have the comprehensive skills to discuss controversy around ryan guzman rn.

[zukazukazuka]

Serika Toa to Retire on April 27, 2025

Long reflective navel-gazing and emotional processing under the cut.

tl;dr: If I had a nickel for every time I inadvertently planned a trip during a Soragumi taidan, I'd have two nickels.

Second nickel hurts way worse.

Inevitably, living on the opposite side of the world means I usually wake up to messages about these things before I actually see them for myself. I remember waking up on July 7, 2017 to things like "wow...hope you like Soragumi!" when her transfer was announced. It feels oddly prophetic that that year we inadvertently planned our trip to catch Asaka Manato's taidan show as well as Kiki's last Grand Theater show with Hanagumi. I cried a lot on that trip, honestly.

Once you start to immerse yourself, it's easy to get attached to your first round of top stars. We'd gotten to see Maasama and Soragumi in Elisabeth the year before, and I was sad she was leaving. Hanagumi was our home troupe, and my favorite actress was transferring. Both shows were incredible, and to this day SANTE!! remains my favorite revue of all time. I think we saw it some ridiculous amount of eight times, back when it was possible to have the privilege of satisfying your brainrot by waiting outside the Tokyo Theater at 5 AM in hopes of getting same-day tickets. I remember the utter devastation of seeing that show from the 4th row, of getting arrowed with a Kukochihiko stare from the silver bridge during her duet with Mirio that made me squirm in my seat. I remember how loud the audience was on senshuuraku in Tokyo, it felt like we were at a rock concert rather than a Takarazuka show, and how satisfying that was, despite the tears.

It's hard to believe that was seven years ago, which feels both so close (literally to a degree, as you don't have to scroll very far down this blog to get my live reaction posts lol) and somehow yet so far away (thanks COVID).

Two months ago, we bought tickets to go back to Japan in January, our first trip since 2019.

This morning I woke up to messages again.

And now apparently I've stumbled yet again into a Soragumi taidan, "my" taidan, which of course I knew ultimately was on the nearer horizon since June 2023, but could never have guessed how fraught everything in between would become.

I can't help but feel exceptionally, heartbreakingly sad.

I fell in love with Kiki from the very first time I set foot in Quatre Reves and saw her photo as Rudolf in 2014. She has always been my favorite since that day, and by the time she goes it will have been effectively 10 and a half years. 10 years, nibante under two long-running top stars, through pandemic closures and changes, and effectively 1.5 GT shows as top. In truth, I'd always prepared myself for a short run. 3 shows would've been just enough to give her 'decent' time without really feeling like they were just shoveling her off after so long as #2, although I would've been cranky about it. 4 or 5 would have been an ideal sweet spot. At this point, I'm sure 3 was always the initial plan, and I hope that had been satisfying for her going into things.

It just extra fucking sucks now.

Today I can't help but feel regret for falling off as much as I did after her transfer. I was able to see her in both of those 2019 trips, thankfully at least once on stage, but the double whammy of Mirio leaving and COVID closures made it feel a lot hard to stay connected to Takarazuka in general - which is ironic, given that I will never, ever not find it surreal to watch a raku livestream on my fucking couch at 12 AM. But I didn't watch as many as I could have. One of my favorite things had always been seeing iride photos on twitter, and it made me feel like even if I couldn't be there, I could still "keep up" with what was happening day to day. Unfortunately (or rather fortunately, given this last year) I am famously too lazy to make a lot of effort to read things in Japanese, even if Takarazuka helped improve it for a time. I have limited space and desire to buy dozens of GRAPHs or other magazines for interviews. I moved on to other interests, but always kept one finger on the pulse of things. At one point, as things went on longer and longer, I thought so many times "hey girl, if you wanna pull a MiyaRuri and bounce without making top, I fully respect and support that, even if I won't get to see you one last time."

Well.

I don't have much I want to say here about what happened last year, except that I hope such a horrendous tragedy does ultimately lead to a lot of reform at the revue. Unlike apparently most everyone, I didn't go digging around the internet for names and 'what really' happened (see: lazy, also not my fucking business). I don't know, I don't want to know, and at this point frankly I don't really care about anyone's particular opinion about the people involved, or whatever outcome they think should have happened.

But we are where we are, now.

Last week, in my naive hope that after we got through Escalier's break with no taidan announcement, I was guessing that she might yet go later next year. I'd been reading the schedule wrong and complaining about the possibility of a late summer taidan, because Japan is fucking horrendous in summer, only to realize that it would've really been October, which would be ideal, although truthfully I'm not sure I could have swung a second trip in one year. I'd been sad about not getting to see her possible ohirome during my favorite time of year, since I couldn't swing a trip last year. In hindsight, I'm glad it turned out as "lucking" into actually seeing taidan rather than potentially have booking a trip last fall and "wasting" it, and that I no longer have to worry about whether or not I get to see it. But it still really fucking sucks.

Part of what helps offset the hurt of an actress retiring, especially your actress, especially a top star, is the celebration of all that's come before. Coming in as a fan in 2014, I saw all of the photos and videos of the last day festivities of Teru and Chie, which continued through all of the others that left in subsequent years. I felt devastated for the top stars who left during the height of pandemic closures, who couldn't have that, and for fans who couldn't get to see it. I'm not even sure what taidans look like these days, as I'm sorry to say a consequence of only trailing vaguely along on the hype train for the past several years is that I haven't seen any taidan shows or bothered with social media to know if they do even a semblance of those last day activities, even for the troupe. It makes me sad to think that maybe those sorts of things are perhaps long gone, just generally. Even if they aren't, though, I doubt we'd get any of that, anyway.

So in absence of that element or really any other joy, all I can really feel is bitterly sad.

In truth, I have a lot of complex feelings about her whole run, and have for many years, but those aren't things I care to lay out here. Suffice it to say, this whole situation feels like icing on that whole cake, I guess.

As I was writing all of this, I realized that just because of timing and that we usually prioritized seeing grand theater shows over small ones, the only time I will have seen Kiki live in a lead show will be her last one. I realize that compared to many people I'm privileged to go at all, let alone the number of times I've already done so in the past, but I'm still utterly heartbroken.

At the end of Escalier last weekend, I'd been so happy to see a semblance of her old self again. Her jokes, her smile, which has always felt like sunshine to me. I can't ever know her real feelings, but I hope that maybe there is some relief for her, knowing there's an end in sight. I hope that despite everything, she can find a satisfying life after the fact, that she'll still be able to perform, if she wishes. At the end of it all, I do feel thankful for the things we do have, the experiences I've had up to this point. My one tiny silver lining is that Sakura is (supposedly, maybe, fingers crossed) hanging around, hopefully for a while, because she's an incredible powerhouse and deserves the world. I'm grateful to her for being Kiki's partner and radiating love at her on stage, and terribly looking forward to seeing that in person.

Anyway, time to go cry some more, and eventually write a letter.

[a-writers-blurbs]

A bit of a disclaimer ig...

Hi guys,

This is going to be a long post that sounds slightly rant-y & I'm going to apologize in advance for that. I am going to make exactly ONE post (this one) about this topic, and I will not be discussing it further or posting about it again. I will also not be responding to any negative comments but deleting them instead.

These are my personal opinions and [...not *trying* to sound rude, but there's no other way to say it...] a bunch of random people online aren't going to change my opinions.

My husband is an artist. He does canvas painting & draws comic books (think anti-hero dark horse). I paint furniture (kinda mini murals) & make chibi drawings. I've also been writing fanfiction since the late 90s.

That being said, this post is about AI art.

I get the controversy, I do. But I've heard this argument before, when fanfiction became more popularized. The whole "You're just stealing someone else's work & changing it up to call it your own" is (at its core) the same argument against AI. The only difference is that instead of you yourself changing it, you're allowing a machine to do it.

But I digress...

Over the last week, I have received several messages about my use of AI art. First & foremost, my stuff is appropriately tagged as AI.

Second, I don't sell or advertise these pictures in any way. In fact, none of them have been posted anywhere but here (as of 6/1/24).

Third, and probably most important, I DONT MAKE THEM FOR YALL. Fanfiction & fanart are a HOBBY. It is something that I do because I enjoy it and it destresses me. I DO NOT do it, hoping I'll get 1000s of followers, views, likes, etc. Every story I write, I print & bind for my library. I will now be doing the same with my AI pictures.

I have a condition that has a symptom called Maladaptive Daydreaming. Because of this, my head is full of an alarming amount of excruciatingly detailed & unrealistic scenarios and images. (To the point that it affects my everyday life).

I can't necessarily recreate the images in my mind without help & the only way to get rid of the random scenarios is to write them out. So I do write them. And now I use AI to help me get a BASE image. I do still go in myself and edit/redraw parts of each generated image to fit them to the characters I want them to represent. I do thus using digital art.

Granted, there's a whole other group of people that think digital art isn't real art... but that's a discussion for another day. Anyway...

TLDR:

I use AI art & will continue to despite some people's dislike. I will continue to delete any and all comments left publicly that are malicious, rude, or condescending. My stories & are are for me. If others enjoy it, great, that's freaking awesome. If not, there are literally thousands of other fanfic authors you can follow instead of me.

Again, I apologize, I know this sounds rude. But I need to be 100% transparent on this one. I am extremely grateful for every folllower & reader I have. I won't lie & say comments/positive interaction isn't a serotonin boost because it is. Yall also give me more motivation to actually complete a story vs. moving on to the next idea. But I'm not going to change the way I do things to appease someone I don't even know.

This is one of the few things I enjoy doing in my free time & have been doing it for 25 years now, and in the last 5 or so years ALL fandoms have gotten so toxic its hard to enjoy anything anymore. Last time it got like this, I simply stopped posting. I'd rather not do that again, but if people (who aren't even following me) don't leave me alone, I'll probably have to do it again, sadly.

But for now, hopefully this post will give people with different opinions to go ahead and block me from their feed. We're not going to agree so instead of wasting energy arguing, let's keep the peace & agree to stay off if each others feeds.

I won't judge you on your idea that you feel it's your duty to harass people over their choices & you won't judge me for enjoying something. 😉

Thank you for listening. Love yall & and I hope your day is blessed!

[aghadbeenhere]

Waking up, then laying back down.

AGHADBEENHERE'S UNNAMED BLOG: 2#

Riiight, and we're back! It's me, AG once again talking to you about random things I thought of in the few days since my first post! (Or was it just one day? I dunno, time's a blur for me now.) and today I woke up at 4 in the afternoon, impressiiiiveee! I'm very much aware of the fact my sleep schedule isn't EXACTLY the best and trust me, I've been fixing it!.. A few times.

Sometimes I wake up at 6am, 10am, 9pm.. 3am.. My sleep schedule's more of a roulette wheel at this point, but I think that's alright, it's not like I'm doing anything THAT productive since I do have all the time in the world..

I had some pasta with bolognesa sauce when I woke up, so I'd say that was pretty damn good..

I did spend most of my day thinking about what to write, since my life's not a very EVENTFUL one, I played some games, drew some art, yada-yada..

(this being said art)

I'd say I'm decently proud of it, I'm still struggling to really find my style and how I feel comfortable with drawing.. I think I might go traditional one day, I'd love to carry a notebook around where I just.. Doodle stuff, art pieces, little sketches, notes.. I see a kinda 'charm' in doing that sorta stuff.. And it can really help me just zone out the world around me when I don't feel like it.

But right now I don't really HAVE a world to zone out from, I think I need to go outside someday (in the future, maybe, just maybe) and get some fresh air and think about things, since I haven't gone out in six months or so.. You know, maybe one day I'll go out to sea, I've never been on a boat trip but I think it'd be interesting! I always see some of my favorite shows have at least ONE boat episode (list of shows being: Always Sunny In Philadelphia & Community)

And although they tend to paint it in a purposefully bad light for the sake of humor, I still think about it!

I still think about a lotta things, actually. (Surprising as THAT is.)

Not-so-recently (about.. a year ago or so) a friend I spoke with just blocked me out of nowhere, no message, no notice, they just up and disappeared, and when I attempted contacting them on an alternate platform, I got no response, actually; when I looked at their account, it was entirely clean! A blank slate! No posts, comments, or anything like it! I was SERIOUSLY dumbfounded by that.. Their account wasn't deleted, but the posts were??

I still haven't gotten word from them, and I can't help but at times think as to WHY they just disappeared.. And maybe even think about how it'd be to talk to them again, I know it's a pipe dream, and they may never come back, but I find a sort of comfort in at least hoping for better times, or some sort of closure on that..

But hey, in the probably one-in-billions-or-something chance of them ever coming back, I'd say something like: "Hey man! Long time no see! How ya' been? Why'd ya' disappear?" or something casual, because I would wait 5 years of solitude if I was assured that they'd come back at the end of it, I'd do that with a lot of my friends, they're really kinda why I keep pushin' on and on, and I know that if I just vanished, let go of everything and just gave up;

They'd be disappointed and sad.

SO yeah, that's how I'm still here.

Considering how this is starting to get long and I want to go get some pasta, I'm gonna go for now, but hey, we got a continuation, and we can only hope for a third part.

So, with that, AG had been here, but before they left, they wished you a good day, good afternoon, and good night. (awkward attempt at a sendoff 1#)

-ag

[m-talks-shit]

11/12/22

Hey there, it's been a while.

I said in my very first post that I'm a quitter. I stopped doing workouts, I stopped yoga, I stopped having a morning routine at all, I stopped having a decent sleep schedule, and of course I stopped posting. I called it.

I'm not gonna force myself to start posting regularly again, it would be too much pressure. But I just wanted to talk, let some thoughts out.

T and I spent our first night together this weekend since his family was away. It was pretty underwhelming, I know he had some stuff planned but it all fell through one way or another. Plus I had a horrible headache since I hadn't eaten all day. We ordered some food but I couldn't even eat it because I felt so nauseous. He took care of me so sweetly, I fell asleep in his bed around 10pm. He said he would stay downstairs for a bit and then come up. I woke up around 3am and he wasn't there, I checked my phone and realised he messaged me saying that he didn't want to wake me up so he fell asleep on the sofa.

He's so adorable.. but I really wished he would've slept beside me. I messaged him and told him to come up as soon as he wakes up since I know he wakes up during the night. He came up around 5am and we slept together. It felt so intimate and sweet. We still haven't gotten past the fact that he can't seem to keep an erection whenever we try to have sex... I don't really have a problem with it, but it does kinda suck. It can get sorta frustrating for both of us, we both really want to do it.

Besides that, we've both said I love you to each other. It's crazy to think about since he told me that he's only ever really said it to one person before. I'm sort of an I love you whore to be honest, I might have actually said it to everyone I've dated. That being said, I was still a kid, I didn't really know what love was. I'm not sure I do now, but I do know that I feel really strongly about him and I don't know how else to communicate it, so I feel really comfortable using I love you.

I wish he was more receptive to my emotions. I'm a huge empath but I know he struggles with expressing feelings himself. It can be upsetting when he doesn't know how I'm feeling without me saying it directly, I wish he understood me more in that way. I know people can't be perfect. But if we managed to work on that, he would be pretty darn close to perfection. Considering the trauma, and the fact that he's never really been a proper boyfriend before, he's doing a god damn incredible job at it.

My 'ex-boyfriend' drove past me when I was walking home from the train station after staying at T's place. It was a strange coincidence. My lighter ran out so I had to go buy a new one, and for that I went to the shop that my old workplace was rivals with since they're right next door to each other. I was worried I'd see him around there since it's the street he's always on, plus it was around the time that he would be there. He didn't appear to be around so I thought I was in the clear. Lo and behold, about 5 minutes down the road from there, he drives past me. I wasn't sure it was him at first even though we very clearly met eyes. I embarrassingly did a double take, it was indeed a silver toyota, same car he had. I shook it out of my head and thought hey, there's lots of silver toyotas in this area, what are the odds right? That was until he texted me a while later. It wasn't much, just a 'u ok' like he would usually text me right before asking me to come over. I ignored the text and went on with whatever I was doing and a few minutes later he called me. I declined of course, I'm finally in a really happy, healthy, loving relationship, I was in no way going to jeopardize that.

I was an idiot to get with him in the first place. And an even worse idiot for staying with him as long as I did, especially considering the tons of red flags that I just completely dismissed. I guess I just didn't want to be lonely. The plan was always to drop him whenever I found a real partner. Something that made me sick to the stomach was the fact that I actually thought about going over to his place for sex, cheating on my perfect boyfriend just because I felt horny. Sometimes intrusive thoughts are utterly disgusting.

[unlikelyempathpruneauthor]

Lovers at last

Calum Hood x Reader

summary: after years of being friends and even a band mate of the guys, you grow up and experience something you never thought you would.

a/n: this was definitely something from like 3 in the morning so hopefully you all enjoy. also this is during like youngblood era for those who like the timeframes. there are also some typos but i mean it’s okay lol adds on to the effect.

You and the boys have been together as friends since middle school, it was always the 5 of you, when the guys were creating the band and posting videos on youtube you helped them figure that part out and being the technical bandmate, especially when it came to social media. However as time moved along the boys were getting big and had gotten their own team, you didn't take this as a bad thing, it was good they were getting noticed and having their music heard. Even if they were away you were still a part of the band, it didn't matter if it was official or not, you were a part of the band.

You on the other hand, had gotten yourself in the music industry and started as an intern producer for a record label and making tunes for some starting bands. Your talent in creating these tunes eventually brought all types of artists from around the world to work with you. You later got into writing lyrics and started writing music for other artists. Of course this went around pretty fast getting attention from many artists. You had told the guys about this way before you started, they were all sure you were going to make it big as well. In the younger years you had helped the band before with lyrics and tunes or chords. Helping them find their sound.

Skip forward to knowing you were currently texting with Cal as he and the guys were on tour, while you were meeting or well about to meet the one and only Ariana Grande who needed to find some new sounds for her new album. Before meeting with her you were freaking out and needed someone to talk to and that's where this story leads us.

Meeting ariana grande was one of the things you have always dreamed of, of course when you were contacted for some help with producing you thought it was a joke because who would send an email saying they are ariana grande and would like to work with you on their album, that just doesn't happen, but in this case it did for you. You had everything prepared for her to give a listen to and let her decide on what changes needed to be made and for her to just be comfortable with the new samples you made for her.

Talking to her in text was something you were good at but now you were officially meeting her and getting her full opinion about the stuff you made. It was about an hour of you showing her all the stuff you came up with and she was just so fascinated with what you came up with. To be honest you were unsure what she wanted so you made a lot, and I mean a lot of material, so you were prepared for anything that she might need.

“These samples are crazy good! I've been trying to find a new sound and these three simple songs need these sounds, this is really amazing.” she said as you nodded being glad you were able to find her sound, “well i'm glad you like them, im happy to help, it's an honor really.” you said as she shook her head, “i should be saying that about you, you have crazy talent for this. Have you considered moving to LA?” she asked as you shrugged, “maybe one day, i'm not sure yet, i don't know if you know but i'm friends with 5 seconds of summer,” you said as she gasped and nodded, “oh yeah i've heard of them, but what do they have to do with you moving to LA?” she asked as you continued, “Well we grew up together here and i don't know i wouldn't want to leave them and the place where we all grew up.” you said as she nodded completely understanding, “yeah it's tough, but if they are your friends i feel like they would understand because they are growing, it wouldn't hurt for them seeing you grow too.” she said quite simply and honestly as you nodded taking that advice to heart.

You knew that maybe just one day you would move your career somewhere else, but you just didn't want to leave home. Yeah they leave you while on your but they always come back, even if it's just for a while, they come back. A part of you wanted to go to LA and pursue your dreams there, but your home was here. You didn't want to leave the place where you grew up. Of course this needed to be talked with. Not just your parents, but with cal and the guys.

…

Weeks later the guys had all come home and you sent them all a message that you needed to talk to them all together. The guys were slightly confused but they wanted to see you anyway so they all agreed.As you were in the old garage where they used to rehearse you were more nervous that you thought you were. You had made the final decisions and you were moving to LA, you had signed off with a good company and you were officially to move away from home. Everything was done, you just needed to tell the guys.They all walked in as they all saw you sitting down with a very serious face and began to worry.

“hey guys.” you said as they all smiled at you and gave you a hug as you looked at all of them and worried how they were going to react. “So why did you bring us all here?” Michael asked partly worried as the rest followed you to sit down, “Well i have some news i needed to share, and well you were on tour and i couldn't interrupt that.” you said as ash shook his head, “y/n, you know we're here for you no matter what, even if we are on tour.” Ash said as you smiled for his compassion, “what is it dovey?” cal asked probably the most worried out of all of the group. He was scared of what was going on and was prepared for any news that could change your life and his plans of telling you how he felt about you. To be frank he had always beat himself up for it whenever the days passed and he didn't tell you about his feelings, he was close to telling you, but with this news he might just tell you now. You two were close and you met cal first way before the guys, so it would be understable if you and cal needed some privacy with what you were about to say.

“Well, you remember when I met Ariana Grande and did some samples for her album?” you asked as they all nodded and luke spoke, “yeah those were amazing by the way, were sorry we couldn't be there to celebrate.” he said as you shook your head softly with a small smile, “its okay, i know you guys were out celebrating out there,” you said with a giggle as they all joined in, “Well we talk about uh.. about moving to LA and i've been considering it, but at first i didn't want to decide alone because well i didn't want to leave home but uh, what i'm trying to say is that basically..” you said pausing as cal spoke, “you're moving to LA.” he said as you looked at him with a sorry look and nodded looking at the rest of the guys. There was a slight pause but that was because the guys were processing this whole situation, you were moving away and that was okay as long as you were happy.

“Im sorry, if this is gonna ruin our friendship, but i feel like i need to go there. Things are good here, but LA is where I can grow and become better.” you said as they all shook their heads, “don’t apologize y/n, how many times have we left you? You didn't stop us, you empowered us to keep our heads up which is what we will do for you.” Ash said as Michael nodded, “as much as it hurts seeing you leave, we know they need you over there, our friendship isn't over, in fact it will grow. We might even create music together.” he said as you smiled and looked over at luke, “it's not the end is all i know, it's a beginning for all of us. I mean who knows we might all be in LA soon, so you won't be alone. We're here for you y/n we always will be. '' he said as you looked over at Calum who had a sad look, but he was happy deep down inside, but he couldn't believe that even more distance would separate you two.

“Cal?” you asked as he looked at you in a certain way and you looked at the guys to give you two some personal space and they nodded and left. You took one look at Cal and knew something was wrong the minute you spoke about LA. For you two him leaving was enough distance between you two, now he knew what you felt when he was leaving, but this time you were leaving for good.

“What's wrong cal?” you asked as he looked at you, this was his time he knew it, it was time despite the bad timing, “this is probably bad timing, but... i love you, i've always been in love with you.” he said as you looked at him in seriousness. You didn't know if this was him wanting you to stay or if these were his true feelings, but you felt your heart beating faster and felt it get warm as your eyes were on him.

“Wait what?” you asked as he looked over at you, “i'm in love with you dovey, always have been. I'm not telling you this to make you stay, I just needed you to know is all.. I just need you to know before you leave,” he said as you looked at him and your eye contact was firm, “what..what do you mean years?” you asked as he grabbed your hands and you didn't pull away. He knew this was a sign, “since we first met there was something about you that just pulled me in, it was everything about you, there wasn't one bad thing about you, i just can't stand keeping it in, i need you more than just a friend.” he said as you were nervous with what you were about to say next, “cal.. I'm in love with you too.” you said in a whisper as he looked up quickly hoping he had heard you right.

“You- really?” he said as you pulled him in for a kiss. Your lips had connected in need for one another's touch after years of thinking one another saw each other as friends. This moment that the both of you had dreamed of was happening. His hands were all over your waist as they traveled up to your cheek and yours were on his jaw and hair. Once the kiss broke you both stared into one another's eyes and you smiled, “i love you.” you said again as cal smiled and took you in for a kiss once again and this was definitely the start of something new.

...

Moving to LA had its perks, mainly for your job, you had met new people and even helped out starter bands or singers with their career and sending them off with a great bang. You have also been working with big time singers and bands and helping them out with some new sound. You were given some new material and had even created some for a band that your boss said would be coming in and wanting some sort of new sound for their album. You wondered who they were not knowing what band it was. All you were told was that they were working on their 3rd album and needed some help.

As you waited for their arrival you texted Cal to see how he was doing. Ever since you two started dating, texting around the day and being near your phone as a must. He missed you dearly and you missed him, so the small messages around the day helped. He also came over from time to time, but not a whole lot.

You were quick to get into the room and you were shocked with who was in front of you. Cal was in front of you and you were quick to run over to him and hug him tight. You gave each other a small peck as you enjoyed one another's company, “what? How and when?” you said as you heard someone cough as you turned around and saw the 3 other boys standing in front of you. “What are you guys doing here?” you said with a smile as you hugged them all in a group hug, you sure missed them after not seeing them for a year. “Well we are here to work on our album, we heard there's an amazing producer here.” Michael spoke and it hit you with the realization that it was them you were working with. “Wait seriously, you want my help? But I thought you were in europe?” you said as luke nodded, “yeah we were there a couple days ago, but we need your help. The album is going great but we still need more sounds and samples.” he said as you nodded, “well okay i can help you with that, but are you sure you want my help?” you said as cal grabbed your waist pulling you closer to him as the boys nodded, “yes we need your help, you know us better than anyone, and well you are the best in LA,” ash said as you smiled, “okay yeah i'll help.” you said looking at everyone and over at cal with a smile.

Before working you all hung out for a while and to also see the vibe they were wanting to find. You were just over the moon that they were here, you had missed them so much and just needed to see your friends again and of course your boyfriend. You were looking through lots of new material the whole day just to see what they like and seeing if you could place it all together and get them something they want so they can start with recording.

“These samples are all good, you could make something with that, but just, we want it simple yet complex.” Michael said as you nodded, “yeah for sure, I should have some stuff in here,” you said as Luke nodded, “yeah also if you want to, we have the lyrics set for these songs,” he said as he handed you the files with the lyrics. The songs titles in here were moving along, more, monsters among men, and one that was titled valentine but that one had no lyrics, “this one doesn't have lyrics? You're making a song about valentines day?” you said pointing it out as ash nodded, “well yeah, it's in a couple days and we were all thinking about how many people were going to make a song and release it as well, we want to make our own version of mariah carey’s all i want for christmas but with valentine's day.” he explained as you nodded. You then walked over to the computer remembering these two samples that were perfect for this song, “that's funny because i have this sample, well i have two actually,” you said clicking through and finding them both and laying them out in repeat as the boys all stood behind you watching you do your thing.

“Okay the first one is just a, “dum, dum, dum, dum, um.” over and over, and the second one is just, “valentine,” over and over again as well, but if you were to place it on top of one antoher..you get this.” you said as they all gave it a hear and it was so uncanny but perfect, the lyrics were already flowing in.

The guys were all happy with there they left things off leaving you to rest and of course spend time with cal. You two were walking out hand in hand into your car, you were heading over to the drivers side but he followed you and you looked up confused, “you wanna drive?” you asked as he took your keys and smiled, “yeah, i've got a surprise actually, so i was hoping we could make a stop there.” he said as you nodded, “okay cal..just don't kill me or anything.” you joked as you got on the other side of the car, “ dovey i would never kill you, i would probably kill for you though,” he said as you scrunch your nose and you had reached over for a kiss before leaving.

On your way there his hand was near yours, the most he missed about you was your touch and he just needed a part of you touching him making him feel safe. Ever since you left he had missed you dearly and well of course duke. You couldn't see duke as much which sucked, but you knew that you would see him soon whenever it was your turn to go to visit.

Once you made the stop, you were parked in front of a house, “who lives here?” you asked as he got out to open your side of the door and you two walked over to the front of the house as he held you in his arms hoping you could guess. “Well it's definitely someone,” he said as you frowned as you headed near the door, once the door was opened you saw duke run over to you as you kneeled down greeting the puppy and even picking him up missing the pup’s barks and kisses, you then looked inside the house. You had seen all of cal’s things and then it hit you. “You? You live here?” you said with a smile as he nodded with a smile, “yeah i do, i wanted to be closer to you and I know this is probably way too fast, but i love you so much and I just can't live without you, you are everything to me and i want you to know that i have no regrets and i will never have any,” he said as you started tearing up and smiled at him as you couldn't believe that the distance between you two was finally over.

“You did this for me?” you asked quietly as he nodded softly, “well i'm not gonna lie this is very surprising but im happy, i miss you everyday and this changes that..but what about your parents?” you asked as he sighed, “actually dovey, they were the ones who convinced me to move over here. They saw how much i missed you, i didn't even leave the house i just want to be with you and well they knew i had to move...look if this isn't what you want then-” he said as you cut him of quick, “no, stop, this is what i want, i just want you to be sure cal,” you said as he walked over to you and kissed you as he held you in his arms and had placed your hands near his heart, “dovey i already told you, no regrets. This heart beats for you only. I want this, not just for me but for us.” he said as you smiled and just knew this had to happen.

“Also i want you to live here with me, i wanna wake up with you and fall asleep by your side, i can't stand being away from you dovey,” he said as you smiled and nodded, “of course i will, you're everything to me.” you said as you kissed once again. This was meant to be. It was the beginning. There were no regrets on either side, you were all in. you and him are soulmates, it just took a while to settle.

[lacharcutiere]

still [sawamura daichi]

1,6k words

previous | masterlist | next ➪

part eight of i’m gone i’m gone i’m gone miniseries. you can only put these things off for so long.

JST: japanese standard time (GMT +9). EST: eastern standard time (GMT -5). EDT: eastern daylight time (GMT -4).

tings // fluff, a little bit of angst, kinda suggestive at the end ?? // i swear this søng is abøut eating øut my best friend's pussy - cøzybøy // dm, ask or comment to be added to taglist ! minors dni.

☾𓆙𓂻

— JAPAN, SUMMER 2024.

the summer passes like this: you and daichi laughing too loudly in busy restaurants and train cars; having arms around each other in the back of taxis on the way home from clubs; making instant udon at three a.m.; walking up and down the neighborhood a hundred times; laying silently side by side and not needing to say anything. it's a routine, it's familiar—it's home.

a couple weeks before you're set to head back to new york, daichi asks you a question as you lay next to him on a blanket in your driveway, staring up at the stars.

"have you decided what your plans are after college?"

"i'm gonna come back here."

"i thought you wanted to go to grad school? you can do way better in the states, especially with a degree from columbia."

you roll onto your side so you can look at him better. "i know. but i've been away too long already. i miss you."

he gives you a little smile. "but i'm right here."

"right here is pretty fucking far from america."

"hm."

"hm."

that's the end of the conversation.

— 2 AUGUST 2024. 23:09 JST.

everything happens the exact same way it has for the past three years: he takes you to the airport. you try hard not to cry; you say your goodbyes. check-in, security, buy some candy to eat at the gate. board the plane. sixteen hours later, you're in america.

one thing was different, though.

when he said goodbye, his lips touched yours.

you don't stop thinking about it for weeks.

☾𓆙𓂻

— AUGUST TO NOVEMBER 2024.

slightly relieving is the fact that amid thesis writing and too many classes and working an internship under one of your professors (that one's nice, it even earns you enough to get a small apartment a few blocks from campus), there proves to be little time to be spent missing daichi.

you finesse your schedule to fit weekly facetimes on friday evenings (new york time) and shoot random texts back and forth about your day between classes and during meals, and without much space for anything else, it's enough. good things are worth waiting for, anyway.

— DECEMBER 2024.

but then winter sem break rolls around and there's no school so it's back to having too much lonely alone time with your thoughts. you write daichi a christmas card and drop it off at the post office. it's early this year, but oh, well.

☾𓆙𓂻

a week before christmas you receive a call from an unknown number. the phone speaker crackles when you accept the call.

“hello?”

“hey.” the voice on the other end is bright, smiley, accented. it’s tōru.

“tōru? what’s up?”

“i’m outside,” he says, “come down and meet me?”

you’re a little confused, but you decide to humor him. “uh, okay, give me a minute… do i need anything?”

“bring a coat, it’s cold out. i’ll be waiting down here.” the call ends.

a few minutes later you push through the doors of the building to be met with a brisk wind and tōru standing by a payphone, grinning.

“do you have your subway pass?”

you feel inside your pocket for it and nod.

“good,” he says. “come on, we’re in a hurry.”

“where are we going?”

“downtown.”

“ohhkay?”

he laughs. “‘s not anything you won’t like, promise.”

you follow him into the nearest subway entrance, lost in thought as you push through the barrier and step onto the train. it's only when he nudges you and says, "this is our stop," that you realize you've been looking at the ground the whole time.

tōru notices how absent you seem to be and asks, "are you okay?"

"i would be if i knew what was going on," you respond.

"yeah," he says, leading you up the stairs and into the terminal, "yeah, i think you will be."

you're in grand central. tōru asks if he can borrow your phone for a second. when he hands it back to you, he doesn't say anything, just takes you by the arm smiling widely and leads you into the fray of commuters that fill the station.

"tōru!" you groan, "can't you just tell me where we're going?"

"magnolia," he replies simply.

"we came all the way here just for coffee?"

"mhm."

"tōru!" he stops walking and turns back to you, trying and failing miserably to stop grinning for a second. "what the fuck?"

"come on," he says, "you'll like it."

"we've been here before! what's so special about—"

"you'll see."

☾𓆙𓂻

coffee in grand central is surprisingly good. it's also surprisingly expensive. ah, well, it's new york. new york has much more to offer than just overpriced cafés.

such as... this. such as a laughing man that leads a remarkably pissed-off looking girl by the arm, towards this stupidly good, stupidly overpriced café.

the pair are weaving through a stream of people, almost there, and then they're there, and the girl is looking much less agitated now. she looks somewhere between crying and wanting to run in the opposite direction. thank god, she chooses the former.

he loves you. so much.

☾𓆙𓂻

"daichi?" you mean it to be a scream but your voice cracks a little and it comes out airy.

he has the exact same look on his face that tōru's had this whole time. "hi."

"oh my god, what the fuck?"

"you said it was lonely, tōru told me maybe it would be nice for you to have a date for new year's, i had some extra money saved up. so i came."

"you— what?" you look back at tōru. "you planned this? just? last minute?"

"nah," daichi laughs, "no, i meant to come visit you for christmas a while ago. i already had tickets and everything, i was gonna tell you but then i got your card and figured it might be more fun if it were a surprise."

"oh my god." that's all you can think to say.

— CHRISTMAS 2024.

you can't even explain how good it feels to wake up and walk into the living room to find daichi asleep on your couch on christmas morning, how good it feels for it to not just be you. the whole time he's been here, though, you've forced yourself not to think about the fact that he's going back home in a week and a half, forced yourself not to do anything just yet. soon, though. just a few more months.

☾𓆙𓂻

when he wakes up, you're making coffee for the two of you.

"merry christmas," he says, wrapping one arm around your shoulders. he places a card on the counter in front of you. "open it."

its message is simple.

you do as it says.

"i, uh, haven't gotten you anything yet, but—"

"daichi," you laugh, "it's okay. and um, i may have also not been able to get you anything. also because i didn't know you'd be here."

"wait, wait, i'm not finished."

"okay?"

"what do you want to do after you're done this year of school?"

"i already told you," you say, "i'll move back home."

"no, what do you want to do? you want to go to grad school, right? continue studying here?"

"no, i just want to stop waiting." you sigh, a little frustrated. "i don't wanna have to keep putting this off, it's been—"

he cuts you off. "i'll be here."

"huh?"

"i'll be here. or wherever."

"i don't get it?"

you've always loved the way daichi's nose scrunches up when he smiles. "you're the one planning on studying more, not me. not immediately, anyway. i'll go with you."

"daichi."

"what?"

"you're fucking joking."

he laughs; you look so confused right now. "i'm not. promise."

"i don't even—"

"hey."

"hm?"

"think you can handle long-distance for five months?"

"uh—" you inhale sharply. "yeah."

"good," he says, "then we don't have to keep putting this off."

it's been five months since you last let your lips touch his. it still feels just like the first time it happened.

— 31 DECEMBER, 2023. 19:36 EST.

he tries not to let you pay for dinner, but in the end, you slip the waiter your card while daichi's in the bathroom. it's his birthday; it's your treat.

and after dinner, there's that new year's eve party that tōru's been going on about. it feels good, so good, not to be there alone. it feels good to watch the broadcast from downtown and count the seconds to midnight as daichi's arms are wrapped around you from behind. the clock reaches zero; daichi kisses you hard. you're both drunk on champagne.

you watch him smile across the room at tōru, who's got his girl on his arm. the two of them look happy, too. everything is warm.

— DEPARTURE: 3 JANUARY 2025. 08:15 EST.

daichi's asleep next to you when the alarm on his phone goes off. you'll miss not waking up next to him for the next five months, but at least that's all it will be.

he makes faces at you in the mirror as you both brush your teeth; keeps trying to tug your sweater off when you get dressed. you spend these thirty minutes laughing with him until it hurts. the two of you take the subway back to grand central; make out in a corner of the terminal while he waits for his train to jfk international to arrive.

"see you in may."

— 21 JANUARY 2025.

taglist: @sakruisin-thru @softetsurou @oligbia

[vale-studies-ir]

Hello lovely people!

It seems that life made me take a leave of absence from tumblr. Thanks to all of you who have continued to interact with my page! I'm sorry if I've missed any messages or questions in the time that I've been away. I'm back now and I'll continue to share my journey with you all...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In order to be able to keep moving forward, I think it's important to accept the past and move on. Accept any of the difficulties that happened, and see them as moments you've gone through that have made you stronger. My way of accepting and turning over a new page will be through this post.

I haven't shared too much information about my studies and how they've been going. My studyblr was very new, and I was using it more as a means for motivation by seeing all the wonderful things people in the community were doing. Little by little, I started to make posts of my own.

So let me formally introduce myself and share my ongoing journey...

My name is Valentina, I go by Vale for short. I jumped from graduating from my BA in International Relations and Political Science in the Spring of 2018 to starting my PhD studies in International Relations the Fall semester of that same year. No break, very smart... I know. That's only just the beginning. I'm not sure how it works abroad, but here doctoral students usually go through most of their studies being funded by a graduate assistantship. This pays tuition and provides a stipend through working as a TA (graduate teaching assistant). Of course they vary across universities and departments. When I was applying to the PhD program, one of my professors advised me not to accept if I was not given funding. There are only a limited number of spots that are given to incoming students each year that will be accepted as a TA.

In March of 2018 I received notification that I was accepted into the PhD program in International Relations at my university, however, the department could not guarantee funding for me. This put me at a loss, and I spend months wondering where this was going and what I would do. Because I'm an immigrant in the US, though I've been living here practically my whole life, I didn't have too many options. My mobility is constrained.. my access to scholarships is constrained (even though I may qualify for them in terms of academics and merit, migration status trumps over all of it). I was lost, to say the least. My family can't afford to have paid for this program or a Master's program out of pocket, and I am not able to take out student loans even if I wanted to.

Regardless of this all, I still attended the incoming graduate student orientation; which surprised the outgoing graduate program director. She did not think I would show up, considering the whole funding predicament. She and the new GPD told me that they would try to find something for me. On the first day of class, I showed up, still not knowing what would become of this situation. Not knowing if I would actually get to start the semester or not. We are usually given a week to pay tuition - because of status, I am considered an international student so my tuition came out to nearly $10,000 for three courses. That day, out of nowhere, I was told that the dean of our school (School of International and Public Affairs) was looking for a graduate assistant for new projects that he wanted to work on. In the span of a few hours, I ended up interviewing with him, being told that they would let me know because there was another student they were considering, and later being called and told that I got the position. I was ecstatic. I called my parents in tears. This was actually happening; I was actually going to be able to start my PhD.

It all happened so fast. It all seemed so exciting. The dean seemed very enthusiastic and pleased that I would be working with him. Things eventually took a turn for the worst...

Transitioning into graduate school itself is extremely difficult. Many graduate students find themselves experiencing heightened stress and strain on their mental health. I did not give myself the space to transition into graduate school without the added stress of being a doctoral student, without the added expectations. On top of that, the dean had not had a graduate assistant before. This was new for him too. The expectations of me were blurred and my contract would only last for a year to be considered for possible renewal (the typical TA contract in my original department lasts 4 years), this led to disaster. I needed this position to continue to fund my studies, so I needed to make sure that I was on top of my work expectations. Because these expectations were unclear, the dean's secretary took advantage. It seems they were short staffed, and I was given administrative tasks that did not belong to me. I was made to come in to the office for strictly 20 hours a week. (Our contract states that we work up to 20 hours a week). If I was ever sick and missed a day, that would be added onto the hours for the next week. So if I missed a day where I was supposed to be in the office for 5 hours, I'd have to be there for 25 hours the following week. A breach in the contract, I know - but who was I, a lowly student, against the dean? This office (a shared space) was not a place where a person could focus on studying. There were students coming in and out, loud conversations occurring, and having to see if the actual student employee in charge of taking phone calls was at their desk - if not, I would have to man the phone. While I was doing administrative tasks for the dean's secretary, the dean was having me create themed presentations and CO-LECTURE with him. Me, a person who had been an undergraduate student only months earlier. I had to create these presentations from scratch and know all of the material. All of my focus had to be on this. My performance in my own classes and mental health declined quickly. I could not focus, I could not get my reading assignments done, I felt unprepared. I felt like a failure.

After a year, I realized that it was not worth to have my tuition paid for if I could not focus on my classes and was set up for failure. It took a lot, but ultimately I turned down the contract renewal. Here comes the fun part. My GPA dropped tremendously. I graduated Magna Cume Laude just a year before. I developed depression and didn't realize it; to the point where a friend practically made me go to counseling. The office manager at my actual department knew what I was going through. I had shared a lot of my experience with her. She advocated for me. Because of this, I was told that there was a student who had been awarded an assistantship for the incoming Fall 2019 semester, but had decided not to take it. The contract was going to be made for me instead, for not 4 but for 5 years since I had only come in with a BA degree. When they ran it through the associate dean's office... it was denied. My GPA was lower than the threshold. A LOT lower. I was told by the GPD - the same woman who had just started her position that said she would help me, the woman that had gone on maternity leave during that whole year after she started meaning she was not aware of the situation - that I should really take my studies more seriously. She received a very long email from me and apologized afterwards, to say the least. Nothing could be done.

I had no funding, only savings and ended up working Full Time in Fall of 2019 in order to try to pay for 1 course, that costed me a little over $3,000. Somehow, even though I strongly considered it, I managed not to drop out. By this time, the majority of the courses I had taken before had INs - incomplete grades. Two of them had automatically turned into Fs. Things were not okay.

I got a bit of a mental break during that Fall semester. I worked in a friendly environment. The office manager pulled some strings and let me work as an office assistant there... so I was still at my department, but working as staff. It was a little awkward. I'm eternally grateful to her, she became a close friend. And because of her, someone at another department got word that there was a graduate student who needed funding.

This office manager was good friends with a recently graduated phd student from our department who is now working for a different center in the university. Because she was part of my department, many of my current colleagues know her, and are good friends with her. We spoke, I rushed to get my GPA up to the 3.0 threshold and with the help of my professor's I was able to be awarded an assistantship with that center. I started in December of 2019.

Again, I was ecstatic. Things were looking up. When I went in for the first time, I immediately felt a huge difference. It was a smaller, more homey place; and a lovely environment to be in. The people there were sweet and caring. I've gotten along with the few professors I've had the chance of meeting and working with.

Where did it start going downhill? The professor that recommended me (graduate from my home department) continuously requested that I work with her. Her reason being that I got along better with her (something that I was not aware of). Because she considered herself as my friend, professional lines were horribly blurred. I found myself doing additional work for her as a "favor for a friend." She then started having us meet multiple times a week for hours - distracting from the time I needed to actually get work done. This center does not cap classes - I've had to grade for up to 400 students in one semester. The meetings she scheduled were incredibly unproductive, and I found myself having to take extra time to get the grading done. Again, my own studies were effected. The past academic year went on like this. I ended up assisting in creating a new course and new assignments from scratch.

Later I noticed that something was wrong. I was doing way more work than stipulated by my contract. She was giving me access to her courses that I was not assigned to grade for. Instead of assisting for one course in the semester (the one with the highest enrollment), I was assisting for three. This was constantly under the guise of 'friendship'. How was I supposed to reject my 'friend'? When I tried to draw professional boundaries, I was met with resistance.

My mental health declined again in the fall and I missed a few of her scheduled meetings (meetings which she said were NOT mandatory). Because of this, she decided to throw me under the bus with the director and making it seem as if I was not actually working - when I was addressing students' needs and getting grades in. This worsened in the Spring. With the help of my counselor I finally got the courage to communicate with her. Albeit through text, because she's the type of person that does not allow you to get a word in during conversation.

"On that note, there’s something I’ve wanted to talk about. I’ve been struggling with concentration and fatigue. This is something that I’ve been working on with my doctor to try to find solutions. I’ve noticed that being in Zoom meetings in general where there’s casual conversation makes it exceptionally difficult for me to focus on what I’m trying to get done. This has been problematic in the work zoom meetings. You probably have noticed I seem really quiet, that is because I’m trying my hardest to focus.

I need to be able to focus during the time I’m assigned to work as a GA. Otherwise, I must take more time to complete tasks that normally wouldn’t take up that long or just wait until the weekends to finish them. That is conflicting as I have set that time to work on class assignments and my own projects. So in the end I end up falling behind and not working well because my productivity levels are being affected."

She seemed to understand me and be supportive. Then I noticed coldness, and condescending passive aggressive texts from her part.

I realized that I could not do this any longer. I could not allow myself to continuously be taken advantage of. Both of the people I've worked for were aware of my vulnerable situation due to migration status. They both knew that it was not easy for me to pay for my studies through any other means. My studies depended on these people, and if they 'liked' me. They abused and absorbed my time to the extent that my studies suffered tremendously.

But I finally stood up for myself. I spoke with the director and she affirmed that my concerns were valid. Time and time again she assured me that my studies should always come first. She supported me. I will no longer be assigned to work with this person.

I finally feel heard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been 3 years since I started my program. A lot has happened in this time. I have a lot of catching up to do this summer if I want to stay on track and take my comprehensive exams by the end of the year. But someone finally heard me, acknowledged the wrongdoings and helped me.

Don't let people walk over you and take advantage of you. I'm learning this the hard way.

Speak your truth.

[themadauthorshatter]

GUESS WHO'S BACK? BACK AGAIN WITH TOPPAT!CHARLES!?

Man, I do not know how long it's been since I last made a post on Toppat!Charles, but it's been a while!!!!

If you haven't read the previous parts, you can find them here:

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3: https://themadauthors-bitch.tumblr.com/post/634320381188161536/i-dont-know-if-tumblr-showed-it-or-not-but-here

Part 4: https://themadauthors-bitch.tumblr.com/post/634769620050558976/welcome-back-one-and-all

Part 5:

Part 6:

As usual: RECAP!!!

Henry acts on his plan to rescue Charles, said plan being to use the location of the clan's next big heist to get info or Charles himself. The plan went awry with the heist succeeding, Ellie getting severely injured, and Henry getting the snot kicked out of him by none other than Charles himself, who had given up on the notion that he would be rescued and stepped up to join his captors. Confused about and torn apart by Charles's and Ellie's words, we left Henry alone and guilty over the night's events.

HEAVY recap, I know, but one more thing before we truly begin: Two of the clan's previous leaders make an appearance in this chapter.

We good with all that? Great!

ON WITH THE STORY!!!!!!

We start off in the dead in night, in the middle of the dessert. Quiet and still as the moon shines high in the night sky.

Terrence Suave sprints on the sand as best as he can, panting heavily because he hasn't been full-fledged running in an eternity. CCC trucks are speeding behind him, but there is a bank truck ahead that just started driving and like hell Terrence isn't getting on it, especially if the truck is heading towards the city.

Nets and tranquilizers are being shot at him to retrieve him, but a lot of the darts keep bouncing off his augmentations and thankfully missing him and lqnding in the sand.

The CCC trucks are catching up, but Terrence continues running, tired and sore; his lungs burning and the stumps of where his arms and leg used to be are sore, not the metal, though there is a phantom limb feeling going on and it is not a good feeling to have right now; even if one of his legs are metal, the other is sore as hell.

He gets closer to the bank truck as its speed increases, Terrence letting out a yell as he jumps and snatches the latch of the door and hops on, holding on for dear life as he sees the CCC trucks slow and eventually turn around.

He heaves and breathes very fast and heavily as he watches the sky, noting the orbital station.

"Right," he says raspily, "you sorry son of a bitch."

CUT TO HENRY!!!

We find him watching with a hollow expression as Ellie is doing some physical therapy to help her leg; Charles is surprisingly one hell of a shot.

The two partners haven't spoken since the plan backfired and while Ellie waves at Henry, Henry only keeps his expression.

It's hard to live life when you can't stop living.

The words have had plenty of time to sink in.

Ellie and Henry are the same.

And Henry feels dumb for not noticing sooner.

"Whatever happened between you two, you better patch it up before that CCC guy gets here."

Henry looks over his shoulder to see Galeforce walking to stand beside him.

"Bill Bullet called. Even though the mission... didn't go as planned, he still wants to bring you into his facility."

Henry turns back to Ellie in time to see her trip and fall down, her leg shaking. She's been walking for maybe an hour and, while she has gotten stronger, she is also tired and needs to rest.

'Only if Charles came back here safely. That was our agreement.'

"Guess he can't wait."

Henry continues to watch Ellie help herself into her crutches.

CUT TO THE ORBITAL STATION!!!

Charles is standing in that cafeteria area that Right was in in the Free Man ending and staring at Earth.

The heist was a success. The clan got the sapphire. No one got arrested.

But Ellie got hurt.

Sure, she wasn't there to help him, but she was still busy taking care of the toppat, and she got injured, so there's that.

"Like the view, kid?"

Charles doesn't look at Right when he walks up to and stands beside him.

"Reg always talked about wanting a view like this. 'E really liked the sky. Night, day, didn't matter. 'E jist didn't want to be stuck on the ground."

Charles turns his head slightly. "How close were you two?"

"Closer than you and those two criminals were."

Charles looks back at the window, content to let Right keep talking.

"The clan was in shambles after the last leader took over. Reg 'ad some big shoes to fill, and 'e knew that. Didn't stop 'im from stepping up." Right leans forward on the glass with his arm, his head against forearm. "'E was better than the other leaders. Smarter. 'E got the clan back on its feet. Never met a toppat leader who took good care of the clan."

Charles doesn't look at Right, but imagine if this was a game cutscene or movie or something. We'd have Right be closer to the camera and in better focus with Charles beside him, but seemingly behind him, with how the shot is framed, and out of focus.

Charles is back in focus as he asks, "He was that good, huh?"

Right only nods, not looking away from Earth.

"If that's the case, he should've been more careful, then. None of this would've happened, if he was."

Quick as a flash, Right grabs Charles and smashes him into the window by his collar.

"Careful, pilot. You might be in the toppat clan, but no one 'ere'll stop me from throwing you out there."

Right glares at Charles for a second longer before letting him go and leaving the room with no more words spoken.

Charles resumes staring at Earth.

Sorry, Ellie.

CUT BACK TO EARTH!

Back to Henry sleeping in his bed. I know, I'm so original, right?🤪🥴

Don't worry, this time is different.😉

While Henry sleeps, someone quite rudely bursts into his room, waking him up.

Before he can draw the gun under his pillow, one cybernetic hand grabbing his mouth while the other holds down the hand that's going for the gun, and a normal, human knee digs into his stomach.

"Sorry to wake you up, but this is important."

Henry's eyes adjust and and he sees Terrence Suave over him, sweaty, ragged, and shaking from running for miles on end.

Henry stares at his father with wide eyes before using his free hand to write a message on Terrence's forehead: 'What. The. Hell.'

"Just stay quiet, okay? I have an idea on how we can get your friend back and keep you out of-"

Henry shakes his head and writes another message.

'It didn't work. He got away with the sapphire and won't let is help.'

Terrence sits back on his heels and pulls Henry up into a sitting position. "What happened?"

Henry looks at his feet and signs, 'We tried hijacking the heist they planned. I think they were expecting us. They got the sapphire and Ellie got shot. Charles was with them.' Henry starts choling up and his signing becomes rougher. 'He won't come back. He shot Ellie. He shot us both. He's one of them now.'

Terrence lowers his head and runs his fingers through his hair at the news. "That's... I... I'm so sorry." After a second, he asks, "How is she? Your friend Ellie?"

Henry shrugs before signing, 'Getting better. We aren't talking right now.'

"You should," Terrence states matter-of-factly with a scowl. "She's the only friend you've got left and she's going through something that'd be easier to deal with with someone there for her."

Henry glares back. 'She's been through worse. And what do you know about being there for others?'

Terrence rolls his eye. "We're really getting into this right now? What did she even do? The clan took the sapphire and not her, right?"

At this, Henry nods, slowly and shamefully.

"Then quit being a baby and man up. Don't you two want to get your friend back?"

Henry doesn't respond for a second, after which he signs. 'What was your plan?'

Terrence's face stretches into a smile. "You might want to throw some clothes on and wake up your girlfriend."

Henry blanches at those words, but doesn't get anything out as Terrence leaves the room.

Nonetheless, he gets up and meets Terrence and Ellie outside, the latter using crutches because her leg isn't strong enough yet.

Remember, neither have talked since the night of the heist, so both are silent before Ellie asks, "So, um, who's this?"

"Terrence Suave," Terrence replies as he ahakes Ellie's hand. "Although he won't admit it, I'm Henry's father."

Ellie's eyes widen as she looks between the two. "Huh. I can see the resemblance."

Henry shakes his head and signs, 'Plan.'

Terrence gives Henry a withering look. "All work and no play, huh?" When neither Ellie or Henry answer back, Terrence sighs; we're done playing around now.

"You remeber that Wall place you were held at?"

"How hard is it to forget?" Ellie groans back.

Despite the unnecessary amount of salt, Terrence continues, "I have a friend there that has connections with the clan."

"As in he got arrested?"

"As in I sent him there to spy so I could plan a heist on the treasury. Guess Reg and Right forgot about him." He gives a chuckle and rubs the back if his head. "And you give me snark for leaving you," he says to Henry.

Henry glares at his father before the gears in his head start turning and he starts smiling.

'I think we need to pack our bags.'

Ellie joins him in this smiling, as does Terrence.

CUT TO THE WALL!!

It is a LONG trip to get to The Wall, and a long process of explaining that they're only there for visiting, not arrest.

It certainly didn't help that Dmitri and Grigori had CCC guards and Bill Bullet at The Wall.

At the sight of them, Terrence quickly rushes Ellie and Henry into a nearby office and locks the door behind them.

"What was-"

"Okay," Terrence says slowly and under his breath, "change of plan. We're not doing this."

Where Henry rolls his eyes, Ellie bristles.

"Why not?"

Terrence mumbles under his breath, but both Henry and Ellie hear him say something along the lines of, "I kinda escaped, and now everyone's sort of looking for me."

Ellie cuts in, "You didn't think they'd look there first?"

"Give me a break, Red," Terrence barks. "I figured they'd be looking somewhere else by the time we got here."

Henry slinks past them and cracks the door open enough to look out into the cafeteria.

No wonder they overthrew you.

Henry watches Dmitri and Bill continue talking, the latter nodding at the former's words. When Bill looks over Dmitri's shoulders, Henry slips back inside and shuts the door; there are now more eyes than ever.

"What do we do?"

Henry gulps and shrugs before leaning back.

Terrence, however, is busy looking at files on a computer, specifically looking through the inmates that were arrsted during the time of Infiltrating the Airship.

I know. Great team dynamic, right? Best team ever, 10/10.

"Good news, I found Reggie."

Both Ellie and Henry turn to Terrence, who is very proud that he used a computer after so long and having only one eye.

"Twelfth floor. Just four levels down. If we're careful, we can take the stairs."

Henry shakes his head and points up to a vent, not in the ceiling, but close to it, on the wall.

He begins signing, but Ellie only looks confused as Terrence shakes his head.

"Not a good idea. You can crawl through just fine, but what about me and Ellie? How are we supposed to crawl around with this-" He points to his cybernetic leg, "-and that?" He points to Ellie's injured leg.

"What's he saying?"

"Apparently, our only option is to crawl our way to Reg through the vents, which is going to be impossible."

Henry signs agian, more frustrated now.

"We can't afford to be safe at the moment, if you haven't noticed." Terrence shakes his head and stage whispers to Ellie, "Close minded, just like his mother/father". (YOU decide if Henry's other parental figure was a man or a woman; I know toxic masculinity states men can't have emotional breakdowns that lead their kids into growing kleptomaniac tendencies, but I say FUCK TOXIC MASCULINITY).

Back on track, the comment APPALLS Ellie and makes Henry raise a fist, ready to swing-

"HEY!"

All three turn as the guard bangs on the door.

"HEY! WHO'S IN THERE!? OPEN THE DOOR!"

With no more options, the three climb up into the vent, Terrence and Henry helping Ellie before Henry and Terrence climb in, just getting into and closing the vent as the guard, Dmitri, and Bill enter.

"Strange, I thought there was someone..."

As the guard trails off, Bill takes a look at the computer and then the vent as Dmitri yells at the guard; the warrant's reputation has suffered enough already with Henry's and Ellie's escape.

Ellie is wide eyed as she covers her mouth, Terrence is scooting backwards as slowly and quietly as he can, and Henry only stares back at Bill.

"Is there something wrong here, Corporal?"

Bill is silent as he and Henry continue to stare each other. Neither move or blink.

"No," Bullet says after a long couple of minutes. "Nothing at all."

Dmitri turns his heel and leaves the room with the guard following.

Bill takes a second, though, and closes the page Terrence was on.

With a wink and nod to Henry, he leaves the room and shuts the door behind him. "Don't be so hard on your guards, Dmitri. Rookies are allowed to make mistakes."

No one in the trio speaks for a little while, but Henry gives Ellie a smile. 'We're gonna be okay.'

With her leg still healing and his body being more than half metal, Henry is alone as he retrieves Reginald Copperbottom.

CUT TO OUR FRIEND, THE PREVIOUS TOPPAT CLAN LEADER HIMSELF!!!!

Currently, Reginald is lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling of his cell, bored and hungry because the guards lost track of time again.

To say living in The Wall was bad is an understatement. Honestly, Terrence has had it better than our boy Reginald because at least the CCC crew cared about Terrence's well being and mental state. (They don't want Terrence going insame and causing chaos.)

The time alone has also made him incredibly lonely and made him realize just how much he's taken for granted. Having colleagues doing stuff for and with you being one. Privacy is another.

Mostly, though, he misses Right, not having him AS his right hand man, but just having him around.

But he's gone.

He remimds himself of that a lot, but that doesn't stop his mind from wandering back to Right.

Henry kicks the vent open and bursts into the cell, throwing himself to his feet like a badass.

At the sight of the guy who got him arrested in the first place, Reginald presses himself against the wall, getting as small as he can; he has no weapons, no one to defend him, and it's only him and Henry in the room.

"Wait! WAIT! Don't-"

Before he can finish, Henry grabs him by the collar and points to the vent.

"What? What are you saying?"

Henry groans and rolls his eyes before writing on Reg's hand with his finger, like he does with Ellie.

'Want to get out of here and see the Right Hand Man again?'

Reginald is silent for a second, feeling the world stop for a second.

"He... He's-"

'He's alive, yes! And he has my friend Charles!'

Reginald purses his lip and pouts as he 'hmphs' and turns his head to the window. "I'd say it serves you right, given what you did to the clan and my right hand man."

Henry slaps him for that one.

'It doesn't matter now. Do you want to stay here or see him again?'

On the intercom, Grogori announces, "Attention, everyone. There are intruders here in The Wall. Keep an eye out and report to the warrant once you find and apprehend them."

It makes Henry pale and Reginald smirk.

"GUARDS-"

Henry smacks a hand over Reginald's mouth and writes, 'LAST CHANCE. I WILL LEAVE YOU HERE, IF YOU DON'T AGREE TO COME WITH ME RIGHT NOW.'

As guards run closer, Reginald looks between the door and Henry, who hasn't broken eye contact ONCE.

This is his only chance of freedom, and, regardless of who's offering it, it is something he is going to look over.

Reginald nods and replies, "Alright," behind Henry's hand.

Both are gone when the guards arrive.

Inside the vent, Reginald groans in disgust as he crawls. "When do you suppose these were last cleaned? Is there no regard for good conditions here?"

Henry groans again and punched the back of Reginald's thigh.

CUT TO OUTSIDE THE WALL!!!!!

Ellie and Terrence are sitting outside as guards run around like ants, simply watching as they have acquired a truck. (HURRAY!!)

"What's taking him?" Ellie ponders as she rests her head on the steering wheel. "I hope he didn't get caught."

"He'll be okay," Terrence replies, much to Ellie's surprise because of his earlier comment. "He's smart. Knows what he's doing." He turns to her, noting the slight bags under her eyes. "You two really care about each other, don't you?"

Ellie shrugs. "Well, yeah. Honestly, Henry and Charles... are the first real friends I've ever had." She sits up and tips her head as she smirks. "Ever tried having a game night with a heist partner?"

Terrence hisses and winces at that as he leans against the truck. "Try having a party with FIFTY of them. Don't know what got stolen from my room, but I never got it back."

Ellie chuckles. "Some loyal toppats."

Terrence can't help but snicker back. "Indeed."

Ellie's smile drops as she remembers what Henry told her, and the earlier comment. "Did you... Did you know about Henry before he visited you?"

"Of course I did," Terrence replies, more than a little offended at the question. "He's my son. Why wouldn't I?"

Ellie turns to the road they'll have to start driving on and rests her chin on the steering wheel. "He's just... confused on why you picked the clan over your family."

Terrence chews on his lip at that, more specifically the word Ellie used.

"He said you told him life is for living."

"I did," Terrence agrees. "Guess we have different opinions on what 'living' is."

Ellie nods, though she's more agreeing with Henry's 'living' than his father's.

"And I didn't pick the clan. I chose it."

Ellie scrunches her nose. "Same thing."

"Picking is what you do in an icecream shop when you want cookies cough or mint chocolate chip. Choosing is when you decide whether or not you want to be somewhere because it makes you or everyone happy. Picking is what you do in a shelter when you look for a cat or a dog. Choosing is figuring out what cat or dog you want to take home and take care of. Picking is me jumping form person to person just so I can get what I want from them, valuable stuff of any kind, money, skill, you name it. Choosing is me staying with what I see as having more value that I could use at any given time. Make sense?"

Ellie nods after a second. "Was it worth it?"

Terrence points to her leg. "Was that worth meeting Henry, Mrs. 'Living with many lives?'"

Ellie narrows his eyes, and Terrence holds up his hands.

"Easy, girl. No. It wasn't worth it. And I know because I chose wrong. I literally remind myself every day that I chose wrong. Won't change a thing, though." He turns to The Wall, watching the guards. "If he messes this up, it's all over."

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!!!!!!

Henry and Reginald sprint towards the truck, Ellie and Terrence waving them over.

The sight of the cybernetic male halts Reginald in his steps.

"T-Terrence... Suave!?"

Terrence glares at Reginald and crosses his arms. "Hey, Reggie."

"Y-You... But, I-... You-eh..."

Henry taps them on their shoulders and points to the truck, signing, 'Save it for later! Let's go!'

Before Terrence or Ellie can ask why, the four hear motorcycles approach, Dmitri riding one as a passenger and aiming a gun at the truck they're commandeering.

Ellie starts the truck and gets it moving as Terrence skids into the shotgun seat as the truck picks up speed.

Soon, Henry and Reginald are both sprinting as fast as they can behind the truck with both doors open. Having had more training and in the time between FtC and this timeline of CtM, Henry can better keep up with the truck, but Reginald is falling behind fast. Henry grabs Reginald's hand and pushes the former leader into the back of the truck.

"Don't stop!" Henry shouts as he grabs a bit of leather or cord hanging off the truck's back door and pulls it down, closing it and surprising Reginald.

As the truck speeds away, Henry makes a turn and darts into the woods.

The motorcycles follow, however, though they're on a path and not through trees.

Henry is ducking, diving, and constantly zigzagging as he's being shot at while trying not to run into a tree. For a while, he does okay, good, even, only getting scraped by stray branches and grazed by bullets, one in particular hitting his cheek.

But we know all good things must come to and end.

Henry looks behind him when he doesn't hear motorcycles behind him, only to look in front of him and get a tree branch to the face, not enough to knock him out but he does see stars.

Dmitri gets off the motorcycle he's on and gestures for the others to stay where they are, circling Henry as he tries to stand up.

"I knew you were here the moment that guard found the office door locked. Clever of you." Dmitri kicks Henry in the ribs and sends him back into the ground. "But not clever enough."

Henry expects another kick when he gets on his hands and knees, but it doesn't come; a punch does when he manages to get on his feet, one right into his nose that sends him spiraling back to the ground.

Remember, Henry just ran for maybe ten or fifteen minutes and got hit in the face with a tree branch.

There would have to be a miracle for Henry to win this fight.

"How long has it been since you and the girl escaped? A year? Two years?"

"Not long enough," Henry groans to mostly himself.

Dmitri slams his boot onto the back of his head for that one, earning a wince from some of the guards.

"Sir," one asks, "shouldn't we hold him up in maximum security?"

Henry's brain kicks into hyperdrive, already showing him how he could possibly escape such a situation, but a hard stomp on his hand snaps him out of it, making him scream because with his mind living another life, his body went numb, like he didn't have those injuries or they healed. The stomp just make every injure ten times worse.

"You've all seen how slippery this one can be," Dmitri shouts, grinding the sle of his boot into Henry's hand. "He escaped before, he can do it again."

Henry tries pushing off Dmitri's boot as he suddenly realizes what's probably going to happen to him; normally he wouldn't be worried because we've seen him come back from getting shot, but with Bill Bullet around there's a chance they can make sure he dies and doesn't come back, with all the CCC lniws already about Terrence.

Dmitri notices this and drives a really hard kick into Henry's teeth, sending him backward before stomping on his face, ribs, and legs.

"You've ruined everything I've worked for since the day I saw you, Henry Stickmin!"

Dmitri kneels down and grabs the hair on either side of Henry's head, smashing him into the ground repeatedly as hard as he can.

Before you start thinking I'm being too unfair to Henry during this scene:

Henry swings possibly the best punch ever and knocks out some fake acrylic teeth Dmitri had to get put in. It catches tolhe warrant off guard, and gives Henry the opportunity to kick him away.

With some more punching, hair pulling, and head smashing, THE FIGHT BEGINS!!!

Even with a busted hand, Henry does okay, mostly relying on right hooks and kicks to fight. Dmitri, however, is able to use simple punches, jabs, and hooks to knock out Henry.

It's something like a stilted dance, as in there's a little bit of a pause before the next attack.

Bith men beat each other bloody, but it ultimately ends with Henry kneeing Dmitri in the side and kicking him back, AND DMITRI CHEATING BY HITTING HENRY WITH A ROCK. (NO FAIR, DMITRI! YELLOW CARD AND FIVE MINUTE PENALTY!!!)

When Henry's down this time, though, Dmitri wastes no time driving his knee into Henry's stomach and slapping his hands around Henry's neck. The action makes Henry gasp because of the sudden air loss, having the wind knocked out of him before getting his air cut off, and start thrashing around, gagging and making all those gross choking sounds that make your stomach flip.

"Look at you," Dmitri spits as Henry tries to break free, kicking the ground and scratching at Dmitri's wrists. "All you rats are the same, but it was you that did all this! You cost me everything! You made me lose everything!" Dmitri tightens his grip on Henry's throat, making Henry gasp loudly. "Allow me to return the favor!"

On the ground, Henry is very quickly blacking out and can feel it as he tries hitting Dmitri off of him.

His movements slow and his eyes roll back as his hand drops.

BANG!

Dmitri falls back as the guards take aim at where the shot came from.

More shots are fired, a some guards are taken down while the rest chase down the shooter, one ordered to take Dmitri back to The Wall.

Terrence climbs out of the trees and shakes his head at an unconscious Henry.

"Stupid, stupid idiot," he mumbles as he picks up Henry and slings him over his shoulders. "What were you thinking? What the hell were you thinking?"

Terrence walks through the trees as he carries Henry, silent all the way until he reaches the edge of the woods.

Bill Bullet stands waiting for him.

The two stare each other down, but Bill only stands with his hands in his pockets.

"You coming to take us back? We're a little busy right now."

"I can see that." Bullet sees Henry stir a little on Terrence's shoulders and fights the urge to smile; for someone who is so dangerous, he's so cute when he sleeps. "I guess genius over there has another plan?"

Terrence shakes his head. "It started off as my plan, but he had other ideas."

"Credit where credit's due."

After another silent stare down, Bill sighs and stands aside.

"He said he wanted his friend back safe before we brought him in. Better make this plan count."

Terrence nods as he seriously fights a smile and runs to where Ellie had left the truck, waiting for them both to get in so they can make like a banana and split.

[mightyavngrs]

i can't do this without him | tony stark x daughter!reader and peter parker x stark!reader

summary: it won't be easy for you to move on from your father's death but thankfully you don't have to do it on your own

warnings: minor mention of a suicidal thought / mentions of character death

a/n: this is the one shot i'm most proud of and it really was my way of copping with tony's death. it's been two months since the movie was released but i didn't feel ready to post this yet, i think i am now.

masterlist

You had just gotten your dad back and now you had lost him again, this time forever. You were sitting in the couch about to watch what you had been told to be a message from him. Peter's arm rested securely around your waist, he had been your biggest support in this incredibly hard time and you couldn't be more grateful to have him by your side, but you were sure you would have to eventually leave his protective embrace at a certain point not to disturb the ceremony with your recked sobs. People were gathering around in the living room waiting for the recording to begin and so when everyone was settled in Rhodey asked friday to play the message.

Your dad came up in a hologram and tears started to well up in your eyes right away, he started talking about the past years, about how he wished you were playing the video in celebration and how much the universe he had imagined just a decade ago truly had grown. Once that part of the video was over he stopped for a few seconds only to start again with a sadder tone that made your heart break all over again if that was even possible.

"Y/n, honey, in case i'm not there to tell you this personally, you mean everything to me. I'm so proud of the strong beautiful woman you have become and i want you to know that there hasn't been one single day in these past five years where i haven't thought about you and tried everything in my power to bring you back. I just hope i succeeded this time around. And if i did then i need you to know that there's something for you in your new bedroom, somewhere only we know. You should only read it when you feel ready so please don't rush yourself, I know you've probably got a lot on your mind right now. I love you more than anything sweetheart, and i can't wait to see you again."

You were sobbing by now, you missed your father more than anything and you were just so mad! You barely got to be with him again until he sacrificed himself to save you along with everyone else. And nat. She was like an aunt to you. You hadn't seen her in so many fucking years and now she was gone too and you didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. It wasn't fair!

After Tony's hologram said his goodbyes you took off to your room, wanting only to find your dad's "surprise".

Peter was wondering what he should do. If he should keep you company through the whole ceremony or if he should give you some space. He ended up deciding on the later but you were taking so long in your room and he was getting worried so he eventually decided to go check on you. When he arrived his heart broke. You were on your knees holding something in your hands, staring at it while tears streamed down your face.

"Did you find it, love?" he asked you softly not meaning to scare you.

"It's a book. He filled it with photos of us, his favorite quotes and songs he loved, letters he wrote when he missed me most while we were gone those 5 years and so many other things, Peter. He- he really hoped that he would get to hand me the book himself, that he would get to show me my new room he organized so carefully and explain where each little thing is placed, that we would get to have long summer picnics together by the lake, that we would be a whole family again." You muttered through tears.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

"I shouldn't have opened it" you told him. "I shouldn't have opened it cause reading this means that it's over. It means that he's gone for good, that i've lost him forever, and i don't wanna live in a world without him Peter. I can't." you were full on crying now.

"Y/n, love, he is gone and he isn't coming back, sweetheart. You know that."

"No, he can't leave me, Peter, I can't do this without him. I lost everything and he's not here to help me adjust. And how am i supposed to live in this place now? One i have no memories of my father in? Peter i don't know this room, i don't know this house! God i don't even know the little girl downstairs that keeps asking me why i'm so fucking sad!" you hadn't realized how hard you were sobbing until now just like you hadn't noticed Peter had taken a seat next to you and was now holding you in his arms. You were shaking so violently and it was getting so hard to breathe and you could only hope that you would die right there and finally be with your dad again.

"Shhh baby, it's okay, you're gonna be okay." Peter shushed you while stroking your hair.

"I miss him so much" you muttered, a fresh round of tears streaming down your face again.

"I know, love, I do too" His voice breaks, but he knows he has to be strong for you so he fights back his own tears the best he can. "But he wouldn't want you to be sad forever. He would want you to live your life for him, to be okay, to be happy. And i promise you'll feel that way again okay pretty girl?"

You two stayed that way for a good amount of time but you eventually got up and went downstairs to finish the ceremony. After the funeral, Happy came to sit by your side, he was like an uncle to you so you took no time into resting your head on his shoulder. He looked down to see you leaning on him, you looked like your 7 year old self again, cuddled up next to him wondering why your dad wasn't home just like you had done when Tony was kidnapped back in 2008.

"You hungry?" he asked softly and you nodded. You hadn't really eaten anything in the last few days (or in the past five years for that matter). "What do you wannna eat, honey?"

A sniffle left your body as you answered sadly. "A cheeseburger".

"I'm going to get you all the cheeseburgers you want."

-

-

-

-

-

a/n: Anthony Edward Stark you mean the world to me and i'll miss you forever. I love you 3000.

[fuckyouclarke]

One thing I've noticed about the og!100 members of spacekru (and is one of the many flaws of the show) is that they all have outgrown Clack. Between Murphy, Raven, Bellamy and Monty (though some more than others bc shitty writing) they have learned to forgive and grow and work together. They apologize and actually change their bad behavior (Bell+Murph) they actively try to find ways in which to keep peace or problem solve without violence (Raven+Monty) all things C can't seem to do without 1/3

2/3 either victimizing herself "making the hard decisions *cry* *cry*", making backhanded apologies that's essentially "I'm sorry you were offended", or not apologizing at all then getting all pout-pout when people don't trust her. One of the main reasons why I don't like her is because she undynamic and unsympathetic for that same reason. She doesn't change so she doesn't grow so anything involving her is rinsed and repeated so she's boring to watch. And that's on the writers for not letting

3/? her be wrong. The characters hating her is ignored by many fans (foolishly) despite all the shit she put them through bc it all seems to work out in the end. The narrative doesn't hold her accountable so it makes C stans feel justified in saying that the ones affected by her actions are ungrateful. And calling her out is happening too late in the series so even though spacekru is right in their criticism of C the fans would rather double down on C than actually listen to the people who

4/4 have had to deal with the repercussions of her actions (torture, almost being killed, being manipulated, I would say dying in Monty's case since he sacrificed himself for C's betrayal). Everyone has surpassed her in emotional maturity and boy does it show. There is no sense of self reflection in C or accountability that spacekru has seen and suffered for and are better characters bc of it. At this point C seems like a plot device for shit to happen bc of her stupid actions.

I’m sorry it’s taken me a few days to reply, there’s a lot I want to say and now that it’s the weekend, I can sit down and take all parts of this message in!

See, this is one of the many reasons why I am, and always will be, Team!Spacekru. All 7 of them had grown and changed over those 6 years; they learned to rely on each other and became a family; those who used to be enemies became extremely close and forgave each other for past wrong-doings (Murphy/Bellamy, Murphy/Raven, Murphy/Monty, Bellamy/Echo, etc); they learned from those mistakes, grew from them, made apologies, became better people and got close. 

Clarke didn’t.

She was never a part of Spacekru, and was only w/ Madi for those 6 years, while her former “friends” that she knew for less then a year all got to know each other on a level that she never did.

So yeah, definitely they would no longer need her. Not anymore. She’s not their leader, she’s not even their friend anymore after what she did to them. They look to Bellamy as their leader; they have for those 6 years and still do. Clarke hasn’t made any fucking attempt to right any of her wrong doings, because she has believed herself to be in the right the entire time from the moment the Dropship landed on Earth in season 1 all the way up until the end of season 5. But even now, 3 episodes into season 6, she has yet to make any REAL apologies for any of her actions.

Even after Murphy literally spelled it out for her in 6x02 of all the ways she has hurt him!

Actually, people have been attempting to call Clarke out on her shit for seasons now - from Murphy to Bellamy to Octavia to Raven to Abby - and yet, Clarke NEVER listens, because she has this leader mindset that only HER opinions matter; nobody else’s feelings matter and what she’s doing is for the “greater good” and she “has no choice” (*cue pouty face*) Every single time a character has made any type of attempt to call her out in seasons 1-4 before the time jump, that’s exactly what she did. Fast-forward those 6 years (plus 125 years in Cryo), she’s attempting to make MURPHY - of all people - appear to be as bad of a person as she is, when Murphy worked his ass off for 4 straight seasons to get to where he’s at. He paid for his mistakes and he became a better person. Bellamy paid for his mistakes and became a better person - along w/ being a great leader and a great friend.

Clarke’s excuses are never-ending, and the more excuses she makes, the more her stans will jump all over Spacekru and make them out to be the bad guys...when we have LITERAL CANON EVIDENCE FROM THE SHOW that Clarke has been in the wrong - it was literally spelled out for us all throughout season 5, and now going into season 6. While yes, I definitely wish it was done sooner, because her stans are seriously out of control and I want to punch a brick wall the more I see them, it’s better late then never. But I for one don’t find her redeemable at all; I don’t trust her one bit, I hate her and I can never forgive her for any of the shit she pulled.

And I don’t think Spacekru should be forced to forgive her either; which is why I’m so glad that they’re not. Clarke can whine and complain and claim it’s “unfair” how she’s being treated, she can throw a tantrum and pout all she damn well pleases - it’s not going to fix anything! “Facing her demons” and actually owning up to her shit and making a REAL apology to the countless people she’s hurt is the only way that anything can even be remotely fixed!

Clarke’s last real apology was all the way back in episode 3x11 when she apologized to Jasper for Mount Weather and killing Maya - but even though she apologized, she added her usual “I had to save our people” at the end of it. Clarke has a LOT to learn when it comes to making apologies, because nobody will forgive her until she apologies for real and MEANS it.

She needs to take lessons from Murphy and Bellamy.

I did read somewhere a little while ago that w/ Jake Griffin reappearing in some shape or form this season, somebody came up w/ a theory that he will appear and he’ll be used to call his daughter out on what she’s done and show her how to make a real apology. I don’t remember exactly what the post said - I might have seen it on Reddit - but it was definitely an interesting theory. 

But then again, even if Clarke does pull her head out of her ass and get over herself, I still don’t find her redeemable. It just goes to show how little Clarke stans actually care about any of the other characters on the show and how they’ve been hurt; they’re feelings don’t matter to them. Clarke has gotten away w/ all of this for WAY too long and it’s time for her to face the consequences.

[myvelouri]

Wow I was actually crying.

My head hurts.

The antibiotics I'm taking for my recurring staph is killing me. That staph + strep combo I keep getting is no joke. I'm OUT a good 2 weeks, I'm in excruciating pain with a fever of 104. It's bad. I'm so scared of getting it again. It's gross too.

This other issue that's huge now. I have a virus, a skin infection, there's like 50 weird bumps on my groin, it's disgusting. I paid so much money out of pocket (I have no Health insurance) and am nearly back in debt. It's so expensive. I went to a general doctor and then a dermatologist. They both said it's the same thing. And it is. It looks just like it when you Google it. It's fucking vile. The issue is it's highly contagious, I can spread it to anywhere on my body. I'm neurotic and constantly washing my hands, very careful to not touch things, careful when I have to go pee. I'm doing a whole bunch of tedious steps for basic things and it's stressing me out..like I have to actually pee right now, but the amount of steps that would take is making me just not. I just can't. I get neurotic and wash my hands after every step. I do not want this to spread.

There was only like 5 bumps I think originally. But I shaved my groin, was grooming it as I do. Yeah well shaving caused it to spread like a mother fucker omg. That's what I'm dealing with now... I haven't gotten any new bumps since then though...

But this is murder. They say it takes anywhere from 6 months to 4+ years for it to go away, if ever.

Dude I will kill myself

I can't masturbate, I cant have sex, I can't live comfortably because I have to neurotically clean and be cautious of every thing I touch, I cant shower normal, it's so fucking much, and to do this for months?! YEARS?!

I'm also sad that my family, some of my relatives who always used to comment or reply on my stuff have stopped. They don't like me anymore. I've just been more distant but I still texted and messaged some of them. I was close with one cousin and she was the one who'd always compliment me and say she loves my post or profile pic and we'd joke. Um, she stopped completely and actually it's probably been 2+ years like that. I'm fucking pissed that all of my family decided to just stop interacting with me. I didn't stop. I always responded or messaged and joked..maybe I'd have a few weeks in between of no talking, but wtf. I noticed they stopped talking ever since I got a GF but it might be coincidental. I think they are offended by me because I don't go to their place anymore or something.

I don't know. Fuck family. I only have my immediate family and that's all I need. I'm so tired of mind games and social bullshit, if you all want to outcast me then don't expect me to go to your fucking wedding and shit. I won't go. I'm so bothered by them. I'm very real and genuine, I'm not playing this bullshit, I'm cutting you the fuck out if this shit persists. Fuck off. Fuck you, I'm pissed I even ever got close to anyone. I think I can be pissed about this, I've known them my whole life. That's a long time.

Anyway

My head is KILLING me

I'm so bitter and angry. I feel so gross and dirty. I don't want to go to work... I don't even want to do anything at all, my mind is consumed by this skin virus... The not knowing is killing me, will it go away in months? In years? Hello? Omfg.

I stopped drinking though. I feel forced to... I'm trying to get my immune system back up. This virus is like that, the immune system doesn't see it for some reason, it takes a long time before it does and so you've got to have a strong immune system.

I just

Why me

Why?

My dick already fucking sucks in all aspects, my body fucking sucks, ffs I break out badly and get permanent scars on my face if I am sexually active too often and I already limit myself and hold myself back from fully enjoying myself sexually so I don't break out. I don't know why that happens but it just does. My dick doesn't even get fully fucking hard already, and it's not a porn star dick, if even average, like holy shit I'm ALREADY riddled with the WORST luck a man can have with that... AND THEN YOU THROW A FUCKING SKIN VIRUS ON MY JUNK??! WTF

Fuck the universe and it's mom.