#i just dont know what i'm supposed to do. is there anything im supposed to do? why dont i just lay down and quit since thats the only optio

[psychedelic-ink]

man living with toxic relatives really is the worst, you come home and you just deal with more bullshit when you should be relaxing

[shepards-folly]

Like an angel crushed underneath god’s boot [+ wip images under the cut]

[an-assortment-of-forks]

there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.

[sharkjumpers]

aughhhh (clutches my cursed eye.)

[vraska-theunseen]

im genuinely so frustrated right now the way i always am about this one thing but i can't even sustain the misery right now because i've never been able to come up with any kind of answer no matter how many miserable drafts i write and hours i stay up thinking so it's just making me laugh how the posts im writing to keep in my drafts keep turning into my fucking. autobiography. "...i remember a stage kiss with a tall girl in theater camp (her name was ashley or jennifer or something she could do the splits)" that's literally so funny. jennifer or ashley do you remember playing spin the bottle at the arden theater camp in 6th grade it's apparently pretty core for me

[stellardeer]

i have to come to terms with the fact that I am actually well off for someone in this country now, like.. idk it's weird

i'm still living the exact same lifestyle that i was before, so for the most part it feels almost like nothing has changed, like maybe im spending a little bit more money on food and buying the "good" toilet paper, but all that does is allow me to actually have savings in my bank account

i still stand with the working class and impoverished people of this country, and I am very much still in the boat of "one [very] bad day from homelessness" so i am not taking this for granted whatsoever

i've just been watching some of those youtube channels where they interview random people all over the country and just like.. kinda show what their life is like and it's definitely putting mine in perspective

very very grateful for the opportunities i have had and very proud of myself for forcing myself to stay in college (even tho it took almost 10 years to finish and left me with a mountain of debt) and just like.. idk, i feel like i could be doing more to help people out, i can't wait til im out of debt ;o;

[blindedguilt]

//Happy 20th Anniversary, Drakengard! I've been fighting to write and finish up my inbox asks before the 25th of Obtober gets here (I have plans and i INTEND to follow through on them), and currently... I have a bunch of drafts :,) I'll get some soon, I promise!! I thought to myself "If I even get at least two done before the month is up I'll feel content with myself" so fingers crossed!! //Anyways, I made some art of the boy to celebrate~

//I'm gonna try a challenge run for Drakengard after this: I'm honestly doubtful it can be done entirely, but I'm going to try and see how far I can get in the game just using Leonard lmao //I'll keep you posted on how far I get fkghsdkghbkdjf

[autisticlee]

it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!

i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"

why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)

ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!

this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!

why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.

[arr-jim-lad]

at this point im so mentally worn out that it genuinely feels like im about to have a minor breakdown in face of the smallest possible inconvenience

i've been so consistently feeling so miserable that i feel like my hair being pink is the only thing keeping me within any semblance of sanity

[lake-cosay]

i really don't want to do my drawing homework rn (especially bc i wouldn't even have any homework if my brain had stopped being a little bitch in class) BUT. all i have to draw is like, a room, so. yknow

[nebucat]

i think the biggest thing is i’m just so fucking tired of having to depend on them. i feel humiliated thinking about it. but i have no other fucking choice because housing is bullshit and everything is expensive. i just thought i’d be out of here by now. i thought they’d be out of my life by now. 

[soggypotatoes]

i am. Unwell

all of yesterday and today, just extremely depressed, can’t stop hiding in my room.. i can’t deal with the thought of having to talk to people so i’m not leaving. the dietitian and the nurses are checking on me regularly like ‘go sit in the courtyard!!’ no.. there’s people in there.. you don’t understand, today at lunch someone said ‘hey edwina come sit here!’ and i stared at them and went and sat at the other end of the dining hall and then i overheard her talking to someone about rejection issues

like.. it’s fine, ok, i’m in a psychiatric hospital, she smiled at me earlier so i know i haven’t really upset anyone. i’m here to be depressed. but i can’t cope with that lol

[kilibaggins]

/ rant. suicidal thoughts and self hate warning be safe

[britneyshakespeare]

every time i sub at the high school where i sit around and do nothing bc that's what you're supposed to do w teenagers, they don't want strangers to talk to them or offer them much help, i just think about the other adults watching me sit quietly in my room and read my book for hours at a time and im like do they know im good at this job when it's elementary and middle schoolers

[talkorsomething]

Yet another phone screening tomorrow... well, it's a seasonal position, so i wonder if i might actually get past it this time? But i'm realizing i don't really know what that means....

Not sure how i'll respond if they ask about employment again. It's a weird situation and i don't even know what my position is supposed to be, so now i'm at a disadvantage when applying online?!

Not sure what I'll do if they tell me i've got it, either. That seems unlikely? But maybe it could happen......

If nothing goes through i definitely have to call somewhere else to see if they're actually hiring 🫠 but actually calling..........

[kath-artic]

i think the problem is that home is a space where it feels like me being heard and understood is contingent on suffering. like i need to prove that my suffering is real and so i can never overcome it because to overcome it is to reduce the one part of me that my parents are receptive to. theres also this constant response of "you habe no idea how bad *I'VE* had it" from my parents thats really ingrained in me that it really is a game of out-suffering each other if you wanna be heard. also feels like in my dad's case that he's desperate to have someone to hurt with and tries to "help" without actually listening to what i need because what he's really doing is for himself