#i just found out they have adhd today but day one i was able to go 'wow i did not like the way they handled that but i dont think they were

[abstractlesbian]

Find someone slightly annoying but in really small harmless ways so I decide none of the behaviours are worth bringing up with them → realizing: hey, Im also annoying! solidarity! → realizing we have a lot in common and starting to bond → finding out other people find this person annoying and are vocal about it behind their back → finding out this person has ADHD like me that's (at least one reason) why we have all these traits in common → fear.

[alexsoenomel]

Chokehold (Sam Winchester x Reader smut)

Request: Hey I don’t know if you’re taking requests but I was reading Adrenlize Me and I had an idea for a part 2? Sam and reader have been getting at it for a bit but this time they finally say “I love you” to each other? Rough smut with a little dash of fluff? 🥰

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Warnings: sexy times and I love you’s, mentions of addiction 

Word count: 2.1k

Note: I apologize for being so slow (school+work+ADHD). Writing this made me realize how single I actually am.

 Enjoy! Like/Reblog or both if you like it! :)

PART 1

Addiction. First, it feels like a warm hug, sucking you in, disguising itself as something familiar, something beautiful, and finally, you feel like you filled that hole in your soul. Then it starts taking, it takes and takes until there is nothing left to take, until you cannot give anymore – until you’re dead. You find out, a little too late, that the warm hug was just a one-way ticket to your inevitable demise.

This started as a deep-seated need but turned into a full-blown addiction sooner than I thought, but the only difference was this was a blissful one, with no reaper waiting for you at the end. It only brought endless pleasure. 

Sam was no better than me. We couldn’t stop ourselves; every touch, every kiss would send us into a euphoric state, and it was better than any drug known to man. 

After our little adventure in Dean’s beloved Baby, we tried to keep our dirty little secret hidden. Sam would come to my room only during the night when he could hear Dean snoring in his room, and even then, we had to be careful since Dean was a light sleeper. He would muffle my moans with his hand whenever he was on top of me, he would sometimes even let me bite his shoulder, but it was impossible to be quiet, especially when we both liked listening to each other come undone. Long story short, Dean found out.

“Good thing you two lovebirds finally got together! The bad thing is now I cannot sleep.” He told us one morning while sipping his black coffee, clearly tired and cranky. 

Lovebirds.

That word was stuck in my brain that day. It still would pop up occasionally. It reminded me that we never labeled our little arrangement. When it happened, we would carry on, pretend like this thing was meaningless, and then we would do it all over again. We would cover every topic under the Sun apart from this one. We completely ignored it, but it was there, just around the corner, something more than just a meaningless hookup. 

Sure, he was able to make my legs shake, make me forget my existence, and his touch would set me on fire every damn time, but the way he would look at me right before I would come, the way we would look at each other…  I knew I was falling for him. 

We were birds of a feather –we connected through art, books, and music. We liked the same things but were far different characters. I was more of a 'Shoot first, ask questions later' kind of girl, like his older brother, and he was far from that. He was my voice of reason when I would let my emotions consume me; he was the one who would tell Dean and me to get our shit together whenever we would jump the gun (and that would often happen because we were both hotheads). We worked perfectly together. 

***

"God, I'm exhausted!" I said and put my bag on the table. 

We just got back from a hunt in Omaha, Nebraska, and it was a wild one. It dragged to no end until we finally ganked the ghost that was killing unfaithful men. I almost got thrown off the balcony, Dean almost got stabbed, and Sam, well he took care of it. Overall, I was just happy the case was over and, that I could sleep in my/Sam's bed. 

"Me too! Gonna hit the hay!" Dean said taking his shoes off. 

"Already? It's only 10 pm." Sam said. On a rare occasion, Dean would sleep early, he was the worst night bird in the flock. For him, 2 am was too early for bed, and mornings started at noon. 

"Sammy, I almost got stabbed today! Yeah, already." Dean said and disappeared into the hallway. 

"Night, Dean!" I said. 

"Night, night!" I heard him say. 

I was immediately hit with the realization that I was alone with Sam. There was something so alluring about him that made me nervous in the best way possible. It would boost my dopamine and adrenaline – like a drug. I swallowed nervously as I turned to see he was staring back at me and I immediately recognized the look – the look of devotion. 

"What?" I asked. He looked tired, with messy hair, and bags under his eyes. I was a tired mess too. During these days caffeine kept me awake and sharp since we were working night and day trying to solve the gruesome mystery. 

"Shower?" He asked.

"Please!" 

We went to his room since I would spend most of my nights there. What started as casual, grew to be a routine. I started hating sleeping alone in cold sheets – his warmth kept me safe. 

When we entered his room, pleasant silence joined us. We stripped down our dirty clothes and sins as we went to the bathroom. We didn’t say a word until warm water touched our tired bodies.

“Warm enough?” Sam asked me.

I nodded. He shampooed my hair, and I did my body while letting my muscles relax under the shower, feeling every part of me slowly shutting down from exhaustion.  Once my hair was nice and cleaned and I turned to face Sam, kissing where his heart was as I balanced myself on my tiptoes since he was much taller than me. 

“My turn?” I asked and got on his knees, like he usually would do when I wanted to wash his hair, and wrapped his hands around my waist, cupping my ass. It wasn’t the first time we showered together, the aftercare was as important for him as it was for me, but this time it felt far more intimate and real. The aftercare would usually turn into rough shower sex, leaving me breathless and sometimes even covered in bruises, but this time I saw true intimacy and meaning of showering together. 

Sam kissed my stomach as I washed his hair, sending light shivers all over my body. His hand went between my legs, and a light moan escaped from my lips. 

“All done!” My voice trembled. Sam stood up and kissed me hungrily. I could never get enough of his kisses, his lips were soft, kisses sweet kinda like cherries in spring, nothing like I’ve ever tasted before. He broke the kiss as our eyes met, water still running down our bodies. I could feel his breath on my lips. The air, even though hot and heavy, got a little bit chilly for a second – or was I getting nervous? I could feel my heartbeat in my throat. I didn’t know why I was getting nervous. Everything that seemed familiar was now foreign to me. Even though we fucked a million times, even though we both had seen each other naked, I was still feeling that tickling sensation in the pit of my stomach. 

Sam turned off the shower. We did our night routine in blissful silence. Skincare, haircare, the whole nine yards…in blissful pleasant silence. Sam even started using my Vitamin C serum, when I told him how good it is for the skin. 

I was pleasantly surprised when he took a little bit of my hydrating cream after the serum. I would always use that after having a rough day on the job, it did wonders for my tired skin. 

“You’re learning,” I told him as I brushed my teeth. 

“From the best.” He simply said. 

***

I didn’t remember the last time I did my night routine in my bathroom – and it all started when Dean caught me leaving his room to get my toothbrush. 

“You two are louder than a jackhammer!” He told me as he opened the door of his room, messy hair, eyes barely open, clearly feeling creaky from lack of sleep…again. “Keep it down, or I swear I’ll kill you both!”

“Sorry!” I was embarrassed but trying hard not to laugh.

Ever since then, I decided not to leave his room during the night. So, naturally, I started leaving my stuff in Sam’s room. 

***

After we got in our pajamas; Sam in his gray sweatpants and me in my oversized blue T-shirt I “borrowed” from him, got under the covers. I could feel my whole body relaxing, as I let my mind drift God knows where…I was ready to fall asleep, but Sam had other plans. He wrapped his hand around my waist pulling me closer to him. His semi-hard cock was pressed against my ass, and I felt his lips on my neck. 

“Yeah, Sammy?” I bit my lower lip. 

“I don’t wanna sleep.” He mumbled between kisses. 

I turned around, missing the softness of his lips on mine. I kissed him, feeling the minty taste on his lips. My hand went in his hair, pulling him closer to me. He moaned when I pulled his locks, sending shivers all over his body. He pushed me back onto the mattress as he climbed on top of me, leaving kisses all over my jaw and neck. I loved his lips on my skin, I loved everything about them; the softness, the taste, the ability to make me wet in seconds… 

“You got me worried today,” Sam whispered between kisses. 

“Sorry, I was a hot-headed dumbass.”

I thought I could take down the ghost by myself. I didn’t stick to the plan and almost got thrown off the balcony when the damn thing attacked me – my mistake.

“Like always.”

And that’s why you love me. I bit my tongue. I felt my walls completely coming down under him. I didn’t care about labels, I didn’t care what we were, I just knew my heart was struggling to stay silent. I wanted to say those words as much as I desperately wanted to hear them from him. 

“Shut up and kiss me!” I told him instead. 

Sam pressed his lips on mine, this time his hand went down my stomach between my legs. His fingers were cold, making my skin shiver, but his touch bought endless pleasure. 

I could feel his two fingers in me for a few seconds before he pulled away. 

“Tease,” I said annoyed. He loved making me beg and feel desperate and I loved every second of it. 

He licked his fingers clean and kissed me letting me have a taste as well. 

“You are delicious.”

Everything about this seemed different. He was sweeter and far more gentle. Usually, he would tell me to be quiet, his good girl, he would be rough, but this time…he wasn’t? He had a gentle side, but I’d rarely see it. I felt something was different. I felt my heart connecting with his and my soul feeling closer to his own. 

“And you’re a tease.” 

He laughed, showing off those cute little dimples I adored so much. 

"Just a little. " He smirked before kissing me again. I was growing impatient, and it was like he heard me. He wasted no time, he moved my panties to the side as I helped him lower his sweatpants. He entered me slowly, letting me adjust to his size, letting me bask in the pleasure his cock was giving me. I buried my fingers into his damp hair, arching my back slightly. 

"You feel so good!" 

He would always tell me that. Every time. No exception. He knew his words made me needy, horny, and desperate…He knew what buttons to push. 

He started to move and that was when my heart decided to work against me…or it did me a favor? My eyes were lost in his, not wanting to break the contract. I was feeling every inch of him, slowly moving in and out, skin to skin….

"I love you!" 

I heard myself say. My heart was pounding, I could see his expression change as his hair was falling on my cheeks…he smiled and kissed me.

"I love you too!" 

I didn't expect this answer from him. At the moment it didn't seem real but I think we both knew it was coming. Between the constant staring, and flirting just to gross out Dean and the genuine connection we had, we knew…

Sam's pace became faster, and I was slowly losing it. His face was inches away from mine, feeling each other's breaths as my climax was getting closer. I could feel my body shaking, my nails digging into his back as I couldn’t get his name out of my mouth. 

“Come on, baby!” He whispered in my ear. 

I loved his voice, I loved his touch, his kiss. I loved him.

I came hard, biting his shoulder (Sam didn’t even flinch), not wanting to be too loud because of Dean and his “Next time I’m gonna kill you both” sentence. 

He kissed me before collapsing next to me. We were both panting, waiting for someone to say something, to break the ice that had already been broken when I told him I love you. But no one did. Instead, we fell asleep, my head on his chest, safe and sound. 

[charmedreincarnation]

I’m kind of in a similar situation to your college indecisiveness post bc I want to shift but never have the time cuz all this studying. I’m really hating life rn. I’ve tried shifting a few times and managed to detach my awareness from this reality for a few minutes at a time, so i know what works for me, but I never have time to do it. I feel kind of drained that I could be achieving so much but I’m stuck not even having the time cuz I’m not smart enough to get done with all this HW fast enough

TLDR how do I be cool like you and too smart for school to be a big concern? Do I just say f**k it and do a shifting attempt when I’m supposed to be studying?

This was such a sweet ask 😭😭💖 I'm overwhelmed by the sweetness of your words, and I assure you, I'm far from being as cool as you think. In fact, I found myself facing the very same dilemma in the past! Now, I'm not sure if you're looking for some wisdom from Loa or valuable studying tips, so ill share a little bit of both? Also college-related questions/asks have been pouring in lately, so I've decided to address them all right here. I should probably just make it a post but I’ll use this ask as a reference.

Pre law perspective:

So my senior year, was when I really started my journey. It was during this time that I learned about shifting and manifesting (kind of law of attraction) so I naturally attempted everyday and had my focus to that. However, I basically spiraled into burnout and indifference towards school. Tbh It's still a mystery to me how I managed to do fine in school when I basically stopped attending classes mentally and barely did my work.

I've always had ADHD, anxiety, and procrastination issues throughout my high school years, But senior year took it to a whole new level. The boredom and disconnection from my studies were unbearable. I went through the motions, completing my homework, but for classes I didn't enjoy, I mindlessly attended without caring or understanding the material. It was a year filled with academic mediocrity, and certain subjects like AP Calculus and AP Biology, which I didn't even need for my future plans, were absolute torture.

And at the time I didn’t even fully understand what shifting was, But I clung to the notion that school no longer mattered in the grand scheme of things. Looking back, I realize it was a detrimental mentality to have for my well being. If there's one piece of advice I can offer, it's this - find a balance. Avoid burning yourself out completely, but don't neglect your mental well-being either. You are still here, whether you're shifting or not, whether you’re god or not, and whether you're actively manifesting or not. Diving deeper into a negative mental well will not benefit you in any way. Trust me, I learned this the hard way.

As my burnout intensified, I reached a point where I no longer wanted to be alive in this boring ass reality. It became so severe that I almost didn't apply to college. My entire focus was consumed by shifting, and I simply didn't care about anything else. It was my friends who came to my rescue, pushing me to apply and offering unwavering support. Without their guidance and nurturing, I honestly don't know where I would be today.

Eventually, I grew tired of being tired. I began diving into my subliminal journey, creating playlists that combined affirmations for school,success, and luck. I learned the importance of dividing my time wisely. During the second semester, I continued this approach, focusing on school-related practices during the day and dedicating my evenings to shifting attempts.

Affirmations and scripting became the root of my routine too. Miraculously, my grades improved, even when I skipped classes for an entire month or neglected to read the lectures.

I was able to graduate high school with honors, which in itself proves that success or whatever isn’t even just about being naturally "good at school." I worked smarter, not harder and knowing about manifesting really helped with that!

So I really advice you to find a balance in your journey. Don't pour all your energy into just school or just manifesting. Embrace the plethora of easy methods available - scripting, subliminals, binaural beats - and integrate them into your study routine. Make it work in your favor. Treat shifting like a cherished hobby, something that complements your academic pursuits rather than overshadowing them.

Also, set realistic standards for yourself. In high school, I used to obsess over achieving straight A's, disregarding any grade below perfection. Looking back, I realize how misplaced my priorities were. As long as you maintain a mix of A's, B's, and even a few C's, you'll be absolutely fine. Set a goal of achieving a GPA of 3.0 or whatever scale your institution uses, and celebrate every success along the way.

Loa perspective

Ok, now let's talk about the power of the Law of Assumption!

Now that I'm in a place where I give only about 20% of my time and effort to school and still do very well, I can help and reflect on my journey properly. Back in high school, like said I struggled with anxiety and ADHD, and I thought these challenges would hold me back.

Test-taking, deadlines, remembering information it all seemed overwhelming. But you know what helped me? Subliminals.

Listening to subliminals for intelligence and confidence made a significant difference in my life. They boosted my abilities and gave me the belief that I could excel academically. And that belief was everything.

As you probably know the Law of Assumption states that whatever we expect and assume to be true will become our reality. So, I decided to apply this principle to my studies. I assumed that I was capable of achieving great grades with ease. I assumed that school life would be manageable, and I would continuously improve my skills throughout the semester. I always visualized seeing As, revised my past grades, teacher giving me the grade I know I deserve no matter what.

And guess what? It worked! My mindset shifted towards greater productivity, and I started using my time more efficiently. As a result, my grades improved, and I had more time to focus on the things I genuinely enjoyed. It was a game-changer, and it accounted for about 70% of my success. Just imagine that - simply switching my mindset and accepting the positive results from my previous subliminal experiences.

I understand that college can be more stressful and demanding than high school. But it's still the same principle at play. You don't have to drastically change your study habits if you don't want to. Instead, use general resources during the day to aid your studying. And while you're at it, listen to subliminals that align with your goals. Instead of imagining and affirming to yourself that you're a failure and worrying about all the things that could go wrong, shift your focus. Imagine the grade you want, affirm and visualize that no matter what happens on your test, you'll still pass the class with flying colors. Remember, it's just one test, one assignment, and there are so many more opportunities ahead.

General school tips

* Stop checking your grades every day. Seriously, it's only stressing you out. Grades can fluctuate randomly, especially in college (and honestly, even in high school). Instead of obsessing over the numbers, focus on staying on top of your assignments. Keep up with your work, put in your best effort, and trust that alone will reflect in your grades.

* Say no to all-nighters. Trust me, reading the same material for 12 hours straight won't magically make you understand it. If something isn't clicking, it's probably an internal issue. There's no need to spend an entire night alone trying to grasp a single concept. Look for alternative resources like recap lessons on YouTube or seek help from a tutor or classmate. Remember, it's okay to acknowledge what doesn't come naturally to you and instead focus on your strengths.

* Realistically, doing your homework and attending class means you're probably not failing. Even if you're not getting the grade you want, it doesn't mean you're headed for failure. Those big tests that carry a significant weight in your grade may impact your GPA, but they don't define the trajectory of your life. Take a moment to reflect on all the times you thought a single grade would ruin everything, yet here you are, still alive and thriving. You've been through challenges before, and you're stronger than you think. Breathe, remind yourself that you're not alone in these thoughts and stresses, and keep pushing forward.

* Make friends and join class group chats. Trust me, these connections are gold. Joining group chats on platforms like GroupMe or Snapchat allows you to ask questions, collaborate on study guides, and realize that you're not alone in this journey. Even if they're not your closest friends, having a support system within your classes can make all the difference.

* Use EFT tapping for anxiety, especially before tests. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) tapping is not only useful for Law purposes, but it can also work wonders for managing anxiety. Check out my pinned guide on how to use EFT tapping. It has personally helped me immensely, and I hope it does the same for you.

* Work smarter, not harder. The truth is, those who seem to breeze through school while partying every night still manage to graduate and pass just like everyone else. The key is finding shortcuts, utilizing the vast resources available on the internet, and working smarter, not harder. Embrace technology, explore online study tools, and leverage the power of the internet as your greatest friend in this journey.

Here are some free recourses:

Math and Science

1. MathMagic Lite: This app lets you write any mathematical expressions and various scientific symbols easily

2. Equatio: A powerful equation editor that makes it easy to create digital, accessible maths

3. Microsoft Mathematics: Can be used to write mathematical expressions, solve equations, and plot graphs

4. Desmos Scientific Calculator & Graphing Calculator: Utility apps for students and teachers for calculations and graph plotting

5. WolframAlpha: A computational search engine that can solve a wide variety of problems, especially useful for math and science

Article/Video Summarization

6. Smmry: A website that summarizes articles for you

7. TLDR This: A browser extension for quick article summarization

8. Inshorts: An app providing news in 60 words or less

9. Listenable: Converts articles into short audio files

Note-Taking

10. Evernote: A note-taking app where you can jot down thoughts, save things you find online, and even scan physical documents with your phone's camera

11. Microsoft OneNote: Allows for free-form information gathering and multi-user collaboration

12. Notion: An all-in-one workspace where you can write, plan, collaborate, and get organized

Concept Explanation

13. Khan Academy: Offers practice exercises, instructional videos, and a personalized learning dashboard that empower learners to study at their own pace in and outside of the classroom

14. Coursera: Provides universal access to the world’s best education, partnering with top universities and organizations to offer courses online

15. Complexly: A YouTube channel that produces a variety of educational content, including the series Crash Course which covers many different subjects in depth

16. citation machine: you never have to make source citations by yourself. This gives your both in test and citations for your essays and research.

Lastly I’m gonna put all the free resources most colleges offer for free!

Academic Resources

* Online Study Platforms: Websites such as Khan Academy, Coursera, and edX offer free or low-cost courses on a variety of subjects that can supplement your coursework.

* Academic Advising Centers: Most colleges have an academic advising center where students can get guidance on course selection, degree requirements, and academic planning.

* Writing Centers: Writing centers provide assistance with writing assignments, including proofreading, editing, and helping with citations.

* Library Research Databases: Your college library likely subscribes to a number of research databases (like JSTOR, EBSCO, and ProQuest) that can provide access to academic journals, books, and other resources.

2. Career Resources

* Career Centers: These centers offer career counseling, resume reviews, interview preparation, and job search assistance.

* Internship and Co-op Programs: Many colleges have programs that help students find internships or co-op positions in their field of interest.

* LinkedIn Learning: This platform offers courses on a variety of career-related topics, including networking, resume writing, and job interviewing.

3. Mental Health and Wellness Resources

* Counseling Centers: Most colleges offer free or low-cost mental health services to students, including individual therapy, group sessions, and workshops.

* Fitness Centers: Regular exercise is important for both physical and mental health. Most colleges have fitness centers that offer a variety of workout options.

* Mindfulness and Meditation Apps: Apps like Headspace and Calm offer guided meditations that can help reduce stress and improve mental health.

4. Financial Aid Resources

* Financial Aid Office: Your college's financial aid office can provide information on scholarships, grants, work-study opportunities, and student loans.

* FAFSA: The Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) is the key to accessing federal financial aid, including grants, work-https://www.tumblr.com/charmedreincarnation/712878654521262080/everything-eft-tapping?source=share funds, and loans.

* Scholarship Search Engines: Websites like Fastweb and Scholarships.com can help you find scholarships that you may be eligible for.

Other questions I got

Q: How did you manifest graduating early?

A: Graduating early was always a desire deep within me. I didn't realize it was on track to manifest until I had a meeting with my advisor. Interestingly, when I found out it was happening, I wasn't as ecstatic as I thought I would be. It made me realize that desires can change as we grow and evolve. So, if something you once desired doesn't bring you the same joy anymore, it's perfectly okay. Life is all about evolving and embracing new desires.

Q: What affirmations do you use?

A: Since I had a multitude of desires in various aspects of my life, I found it tiring to have a separate affirmation for each one. So, I opted for general affirmations that encompassed all areas of my life. For example, I would affirm statements like "I am the luckiest person alive," "Everything works out my way," and "I always get my desires." These affirmations can be applied to all aspects of life, including school. The key is to find affirmations that resonate with you and create a positive mindset.

Q: How do you manage the law/shifting and school?

A: As I mentioned earlier, integration is the key! You don't have to view manifestation or shifting as something separate from your school life. Instead, incorporate these practices seamlessly into your daily routine. The goal is to make it a part of your lifestyle without feeling like it's an extra burden or sacrifice. For example, if a certain method, like wbtb lucid dreaming, is disrupting your sleep schedule, consider switching to other methods like subliminals or reality checks. You can still set intentions before going to bed, which will be effective without compromising your sleep. Find what works best for you and strike a balance between school, manifestation, and your mental health

Q: What to do if affirmations don’t work:

A:maybe you don’t think with words. I’m more of a visual person and will always believe and like images more than words. I would just imagine my grades always being an A. No matter what, no matter if I failed a test or forgot to submit a homework even if I failed everything I still got an A! If you don’t like to visualize then change your wording to how you naturally speak. Maybe you don’t even like affirmations, it’s really different for everyone.

Q:I don’t want to go to this college but I still have to apply, is that affecting living in the end:

A: nope I don’t think taking action or not taking action affects anything If you’re living in the end. Just because you apply doesn’t mean you’ll get in simply because you took the action. Do what you have to do it doesn’t matter if you’re living your 3D life but know imagination is your true reality. If you’re a billionaire and sleep in a homeless shelter that doesn’t take away from the fact you’re a billionaire. Who knows why you’re at a homeless shelter and who knows why you’re applying for college. It doesn’t dictate anything.

Q:I needed to get into the void before college but now I’m here without my dream life and I hate it. What do I do:

A: well it’s happened so take a deep breath. You can still master the void, in fact you already have you’re just being silly and want a funny humbling story. There is no better time than now to be delulu. When you’re trying to escape something and it passes accept it and make it your bitch tbh. honestly keeping busy definitely helped me in my journey anyways, but I did provide tips above so you have free time because you shouldn’t just be immersed in school. For example when I was poor, it was because I needed a humbling back story because no one likes people born into wealth. I’m assuming you still want to be in college, and yea, it’s just cool to have started from the bottom before you become that It girl. That’s your choice and your truth but now you’re done with being humble so go tap into the void.

Q: what’s your perspective on manifesting a perfect life. like nothing bad ever happens but also having a good life with just minor challenges (nothing too big) and I don’t wanna normalize suffering bc who wants to suffer?

A: ok this had a school ask but that was just the gist of it. anyways not that my opinion matters first and foremost. But I think that’s great. Who wants to suffer… exactly. You know I like being human, but I did not like my human experience before Loa. I do like challenges, I like growth, I like not being perfect, and I like being happy and getting what I want too! you can still have all those human aspects and manifest everything you desire. Mary Sues do don’t exist because humanity exists. Don’t worry about it. Your life won’t feel stagnant or unreal or something, I promise

Ok sorry this came out longer than I expected but I had a lot to say. I hope that answers all the asks I’ve been getting ! You all got this, college, your manifesting journey, your anxiety, all of it. All of your dreams & desires are within your reach (right in front of you !!!) so go for it and still live your best life <3!

[revasserium]

a rumination on falling in love; aka the terrifying and strange reality of "dream girl" becoming "real girl"

or, what happens when an only child who has only ever loved in fiction falls in love in real life instead

this is not for you. unless, of course. you, like me, have felt like this before. which is to say, this might be for you. but it most definitely is, 100%, for me. so read on if you'd like. or, close out and move right along.

i am very lucky, i think, to have had the childhood that i had -- only child, two loving parents. but not only that, two loving parents who were good at loving and also good at parenting (which are two very distinct and different things and somehow, at least in my semi-limited exposure to people around my age, is becoming rarer and rarer these days). i am lucky to have been allowed to grow as i have -- to never question that i am loved, unconditionally and endlessly, to never question whether or not i have something -- because of course it's mine -- i've got no siblings to have to share anything with.

now, to some, that might be a sad, lonely thing, but i never thought about it that way. because i was never taught to think about it that way. and contrary to popular belief, it hasn't made me (or at least so i think) stingy or "bad at sharing" -- it's actually made me rather an over-sharer. i always have snacks at the office, i try to offer advice freely, i spot dinners/outings when i can, i like the joy it brings to share things not only to the people being shared with, but also to me -- the person doing the sharing.

but the double-edged sword of only-child-dom in upper-middle class america is time -- the huge, gaping excess of it, giant swaths of it after school, great big chunks of it on the weekends, the seemingly unbridgeable chasm between turning off the light and falling asleep. later, i'd learn that undiagnosed adhd and very high performing manic depression are to blame for most of my vibrating sense of need to fill every hour of every day with some kind of productivity (this, unironically, is why i love new york city -- the frenetic energy of it matches my mental wavelength so that i can feel "productive" even when i'm just walking down the street or sitting in a bar).

but back then, i -- and by extension my lovely parents -- tried to fill it with stuff -- 2 different art classes, ballet, swimming, piano, debate club, singing, chinese school, and of course, with my still yet unfilled hours -- reading and writing. to say i was raised by the books i read would be an understatement. to say i am nothing more than a massive conglomerate of those characters that resonated most with me in those books would be parenthetical to the fact that i'm also built by all those characters i've ever admired or wanted to be. i am, in the most cliche, literal, non-lampshaded sense "that nerdy book girl" who made it her entire fucking personality to be... that nerdy book girl. and this, amidst the stratospheric rise of "not like other girls" media and rhetoric -- it was not healthy (it still isn't), but it was a large part of who i was. and a lingering part of who i am today.

my overactive, adhd-driven imagination served me well, then. into the stories i delved, and what i couldn't find in my normal every day life, i found in narrative. long before the tiktok-ification of "book boyfriends" came the voices in my head that sounded like all the would-be book boyfriends i'd ever have -- everyone from edward cullen to kakashi to four (that one guy from divergent who only has like 4 fears, which in retrospect is so, so cringe, but alas) to fictionalized versions of one direction members. the list goes on. i used to be able to hold entire conversations, play out entire scenes with these mental constructs with impudent ease. spend hours in my room by myself just imagining.

it was like astral projection -- my body, here, my mind and my soul, somewhere else entirely. and this i believe (to this day) is the core of a lot of my writing and creativity. and also the core of a lot of my philosophies and beliefs. the ability to sink into a dream, a scene, a story.

and then. i fell in love.

and sure, it would be much too cliche to say that misery breeds good art so a happy artist would (at best) produce mediocre art/writing/whatever. because i've also seen fantastic art produced by very, very happy artists. the sad truth is only that it's much rarer than the alternative of the painfully mainstream tortured artist.

but to some degree, i think there's an inkling of truth in that saying. because having a real-life boyfriend, with all the real-life machinations and strings of having said real-life boyfriend has made it, somehow, much harder to access that old imaginary part of me. like a child growing up and losing the ability to "make believe" the way they used to. except, i know it's still there. there are still moments where i touch it, where i dip my toes in and it always feels like coming home.

and it's more than just the normal adult-ish responsibilities of going to work and paying bills, making dinner and shopping for groceries. doing laundry and investing in your roth ira. because before real-life boyfriend, i still did those things and i was still able to seamlessly get to that "elsewhere place". somehow, it is the physical presence of real-life boyfriend that seems to act as a "grounding agent". he is home, so i can't go to that other place. or, i can kind of get there, but i've always still got one foot steeped in reality.

it is not a necessarily good or bad thing, just an observation at most. but it does create this new "space" for the "want" of that elsewhere. for the want to being able to slip into that creative asphodel like i used to -- blink and i'm there. so i find myself often sitting at my desk, wishing, and then wondering what it means that i can't. that it isn't always and immediately accessible to me anymore.

perhaps absolute solitude was the unquestioned prerequisite for so long that i'd never noticed it until the solitude was no longer available to me. or perhaps the book-boyfriends are just shy creatures, afraid of the blaring daylight that real-life boyfriend might shed on their ultimate two-dimensional beings.

or perhaps that was always a "safe space" that i'd created for myself, and now real-life boyfriend has created a safe space for me too, and the venne-diagram of the two space spaces overlap just so, making a less singular space of each of them in turn. i don't know, but it's an interesting thought.

it's always struck me, now thinking back, that i've never been even remotely interested in having a real-life relationship before now. but that i've also never questioned if i wanted the current one that i'm in, if this was "the one" or if it was "good for me". and in that too, i know i am very lucky. few people can say that they struck gold the first time they've ever tried.

i know for a fact i wouldn't be this happy, have this good of a life if real-life boyfriend weren't here. he has made me better in ways that i do not have words to describe. but i'm also terrified of the earthen grounding-ness of him. i've spent my entire childhood and most of my adult life with my head in the clouds, taking the necessary trips back down to earth when i had to but... it feels strange to be "here" more and more. there's a hole inside of me where "that" heaven should be.

but two things can be true -- i am happy here; i still yearn for that elsewhere.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

How D'ya Like THEM Apples?

So, trying the decriminalized mushrooms in tiny doses for the ADHD (because, in my particular situation, going to a doctor for this might be hazardous to my health in general). The first time I took them before bed, with chocolate, and that upset my stomach a little so I decided to take them with breakfast like they suggested in the instructions (not really a breakfast person). Not an improvement, they upset my stomach more and made me anxious all day yesterday. Can't know if I'm getting used to them or I need to figure out the best way to take them.

Still slightly anxious today, but able to roll with it.

So, here's the deal. A while back, the spouse and I discussed what the prompt "imagine an apple" gets you, in your brain. He can imagine an apple at will. I found out, I can't. I need context. What's it for? Do you want my culture's Platonic ideal of "apple" or are you going to the store and you need to know what's a good one to buy? Do I need to get taste and texture involved here or is it more like set dressing? With some context, I can kinda get you an apple, but it's indistinct.

And I thought, "Ahaaa! That's that 'imagination deficit' they want to see to diagnose the autism. That's what that is! I can't cough up unlimited specific apples without specific contexts for each one, and even then it's not so good!"

But, after that first microdose, while heading off to sleep, I thought to myself, to pass the time, "Hey, wonder if I can imagine an apple any better?" And, uh, I COULD? Unlimited specific apples, no context. I mentioned that to the spouse, and he said, "Can you still do it now?" And, yes. Yes I can. +/-36 hours away from the second tiny dose of mushroom, and I can give you unlimited specific apples, if you need me to imagine that for some reason.

And... It kinda feels nonsensical that I couldn't do that before? Yeah, apples. There's lots. Just pick one. But I know I couldn't. Not even for the sake of a person who would be satisfied with any imaginary apple. Like, I could imagine the shittiest apple and that would be fine, it would be a judgment free zone! But I remember I couldn't do it. I needed a better prompt.

That thing with the apples is not something I've heard about for ADHD, but I did just barely get an internet diagnosis on that (thanks, @kithpendragon), and I only ordered the stuff because my THC vendor has it. I need the THC to keep from waking up from the edge of sleep with a gasp and heart palpitations, fearing to be harmed. If you spend $200 and stock up, they send you more THC as a surprise! That's a good deal! I like not having panic attacks! For months at a time! I'm not liking the stomach ache and anxiety from the mushrooms, but this thing with the apples makes me feel functional and cool. I don't wanna lose that!

I'm kinda concerned I'm gonna end up doing a real Flowers for Algernon here if I can't tolerate the mushrooms, or they go illegal again because politics. Like, I'm not sure how well the brain differences will play with my creativity and productivity. I need to draw things and go shopping and make dinner, ya know? Lots of different stuff. I seem to be able to do laundry and write a long-ass Tumblr post, but I need long-term data on that. In any case, five days a week is the maximum recommended dose and I gotta take breaks or I'll build up a tolerance.

I may end up looking forward to my meds like that one Tumblrite in my feed the other day, even if they make my stomach hurt! Or I may end up trading one kind of imagination for another and going back and forth indefinitely. I'd prefer the former, but I gotta wait and see.😅

[notthewriteryourelookingfor]

I am at my fucking limit so buckle up:

Because I have adhd and anxiety and depression, I need to take melatonin to get to sleep at a reasonable time otherwise I'll be lying in bed for literal hours until I can fall asleep, doubly so if I take my adhd meds that day.

So I live in Australia and if you live in Australia you can't buy melatonin over the counter if you're under 55 (idk why I'm too tired to look up why) and I'm 29 so fuck me I'd need to get a prescription and then a months supply is like $30.

So I've been ordering melatonin from this place in the US which is about 5 months supply for about the same price maybe a lil extra for shipping like $50 for 150 tablets.

So when I realised I was getting low on them I went to the sight and ordered again.

Easy-peasy right?

Well it turned out that I had enough to get me to the last day of their delivery window (about the 27th of Feb) and I was like " ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ they're usually pretty quick with delivery so I should be ok" but then the 27th rolled around and no delivery.

So I checked the tracking and it hadn't been scanned since the 17th. It was in my country, in my state, but hadn't moved in 10 days.

So I looked and the company was using a new 3rd party delivery company and they Sucked. It was a continuous problem that they just didn't deliver packages, lost them, took months and months and months to deliver something to next door the facility.

So I got in contact with the American company and they're gonna send me a refund (more on that in a sec) and til then i was like "dear God ill have to order from Amazon 🤮) so I did.

Shipping cost more than the product but the delivery time was about a week and I'd found 2 of my old diazepam that I could take if I really needed to.

To note: I usually only take my meds for work, I can generally get by without them when I'm not working but now not taking them for work makes me feel like I am not being as useful/productive/etc as I could be and as a supervisor who is often the one in charge I need to be on the ball.

Amazon package was meant to come today.

I did get an Amazon package today but was it my desperately needed melatonin? No it was a fucking Christian self-help book:

Like does this look like medication to you?!?!?!

I get that mistakes happen but this is the 2nd issue I've had with this 1 thing.

Also as a queer satanist/witch it feels a lil insulting even tho it wasn't probably wasnt intentional at all and some Christian who wanted a self help book has been sent sleep medication like oops.

But that is not the end of the saga.

Luckily Amazon is on the ball about refunds and I was able to reorder the item (& a 2nd brand so we'll see who comes first) and paid extra for fast shipping. Even then it will take another week for it to arrive.

I have my supervisor shift on the weekend, I cannot be unmedicated for it but I will be running on 2 hours of sleep if I'm lucky.

If I didn't take the adhd meds I'd be on maybe 4 hours sleep so it's not much difference tbh.

But on top of all that: the refund from the 1st company (that I will never be going back to after this) was pending in my bank account. It had the amount ($95 cuz I ordered 3 bottles of 2 different strengths plus shipping) with a "this is pending" label.

It has now vanished from my account.

It is no longer pending but I also do not have the money.

I am giving them the 10 business days they said it'll take and if it's not in my account I am raining hell.

I work retail minimum wage, I live paycheque to paycheque, I cannot be out $95 with nothing to show for it.

10 business days is the 15th

My new order is meant to arrive on the 14th

We'll see what I get first, a refund from the person I ordered from in January or the replacement items I ordered Wednesday last week.

(Also the express shipping isn't much faster I just need it literally as soon as possible I am so tired)

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hi! I just got my first appointment for a neuropsych evaluation scheduled today. I'm going in to find out if I can be officially diagnosed with autism/ADHD, and I was wondering if you had any tips for me. I'm super nervous and my anxiety isn't helping, so I was hoping for something that might put my mind at ease a little. Any words of wisdom on what I should expect?

Hi there,

I would start by writing down what symptoms/traits that you think applies to you. They might ask about your childhood experiences. I found an article talking about what to expect during an evaluation process:

Autism evaluations usually start with a screening questionnaire. If the questionnaire indicates that a child might have autism, then it’s time for a more in-depth evaluation. A child should never get a diagnosis based on just the questionnaire.

The evaluation will include a set of tests in which the clinician watches how the child plays, behaves and communicates. These tests include specific tasks and ways of evaluating the child, and they are backed up by research. One common version is called the ADOS test.

The results of these tests can be hard to interpret. For example, a child might not make eye contact because they have autism. But they might also avoid eye contact because they are very shy. It’s important for an experienced clinician to do the evaluation because they can recognize the more subtle signs of autism.

A full evaluation should also include interviews with parents, teachers and other adults who know the child. Structured cognitive tests should be part of the evaluation as well. These tests show how the child thinks and provide important information about what kinds of support at school would be helpful.

A pediatrician might give the first screener, but the full evaluation should be done by someone specially trained in diagnosing autism. You can ask about the clinician’s training and experience, as well as how they usually do evaluations. They should be able to give clear answers to your questions and take the information you provide seriously.

I’ll leave the full article below so you can check it out.

I hope this can help. I wish you luck during your evaluation.

Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ❤️

[copperbadge]

1 of 2. Hi Sam - good morning! Re anxiety & ADHD. As a long-time clinical psychologist and experiencer of anxiety I would say that there is somewhat of a difference between the anxiety disorders identified in DSM such as GAD, (they typically address excessive/unrealistic/unwarranted worry/anxiety/fear) and the stress/anxiety that comes from knowing we are not managing to do the things necessary to keeping our life running smoothly because of, for example, ADHD. Of course, someone can experience

both at the same time. Typically, what we do about them differs a bit. For the excessive worry of GAD, we might help people change their relationship to worry thoughts so they're less dominated by them and they do less to 'fuel them.' With the stress of struggling with managing life tasks, we might use meds or behavioral strategies to increase ability and/or find ways of reducing life demands - to the extent that's possible in a capitalist society :(

Turns out I can't write the letters DSM without adding a disclaimer! DSM treats a complex biopsychosocial experience like anxiety a bit like it's measles - like it's a disease which we have or don't have: not my experience personally or professionally, & the data around many mental health issues suggests they're dimensional rather than categorical & they have complex, interactional risk factors to varying degrees. DSM may have some utility but it's not 'the truth.'

Yikes, I just found this in my drafts after having lost it for like...I think a couple of weeks at least, sorry Anon that I did not respond sooner. If it’s any consolation there’s at least one ask in my inbox from 2014. 

What you’re saying about GAD vs. bog-standard “something’s wrong in my life” anxiety makes a lot of sense, and is kind of how I was looking at it, I think, but I’m not sure I was vocalizing it well. What was throwing me for a loop was the evaluator saying that I had really severe levels of anxiety, something that was worrying to her in a clinical sense -- GAD never really came up as a term, it was just what I had to go on when I got off the zoom call with her and googled about it. (She was very clear to state that while I had anxiety surrounding social situations she was not offering a diagnosis of Social Anxiety, both parts of which I agree with.) Of course it’s hard to know when you’re sitting in it whether what you’re feeling is unwarranted, but I felt like what worry I do feel is generally legit. I’ve been able to identify “Hey you’re freaked out about nothing” before, including times I couldn’t stop freaking out about nothing, but that seemed to me to be evidence I had a sense of scale, and it was never chronic. 

These last few days, having shoveled out from under a bunch of stuff, I’ve been unsettled about the fact that there are periods of time when I don’t need to be doing anything. There’s stuff I could be doing, my to-do list isn’t empty, but none of it is catch-on-fire urgent the way much of my life has chronically been. I’m just so conditioned to having forgotten to do stuff and/or having stuff I know I should be doing that when I am permitted by circumstances to just sit and vegetate, I’m extremely bad about accepting it. Reading is helping, since there’s always another book to read and it fulfills my “I should be doing something” sense without actually wearing me out, and Dearborn is helping by sitting on me a bunch, but it’s very much an adjustment.

Still haven’t gotten the evaluation report from the clinic. I nudged the person who said she was doing the writeup, and she said she’d have it for me by today, then a few hours later emailed me to say “Actually your case was assigned to another doctor. I’ve asked her to bump it to the top of her queue, but I don’t have an ETA for you.”

They’ve got until August (mainly because the second half of July is going to be super hectic for me) and then I’m getting insurance involved. 

[rianafying]

hello diary i’m back idk what is happening or why i ever feel what i feel, but here goes nothing

i’ve been feeling very creative today, had a terrible morning woke up insanely dehydrated, could barely move, my arthritis and psoriasis had flared up as well, i had to cancel my gig but they’re fine, they had other people on board. i don’t really feel like i missed out because i literally couldn’t have gone and needed to stay home and rehydrate, plus it’s like 37 degrees outside, i’ll stay home thanks. anyway, so i got some much needed rest and i ate and drank loads of water and i feel replenished now and i feel hopeful and creative and i wish i could’ve just started something, a project or whatever. but i have no many chores standing firmly between me and what i actually want to do. will is a terribly difficult thing to conjure. i had a telehealth appointment to get diagnosed w adhd in melbourne so i can access the necessary treatment, but they’re telling me it’ll be at least $800 and at least 4 sessions to just get diagnosed. and that to me is a huge undertaking. i told them ill think about it but what is there to think of, i know fully well i cant afford it. i wish i had an ipad to draw on. ive been wanting to draw something for ages and i could draw on my physical sketch book but i just haven’t? i just cant? its the guilt from all the chores i haven’t done. there’s a proper inspection due in 4 days and i just know it’s going to cripple me with anxiety as the date comes closer. there’s so much stuff that i want to do. and yet i do nothing. i’m not doing even 1% of everything i want to do, because im stuck doing 100% of the things i hate but have to do. when im older, i hope i get permanent residency in australia or any other first world country, i wish i have a safe and permanent place to live, regardless of size or quality. i wish i have someone who can help me with the tasks i struggle with and i can help them with tasks they struggle with and if we both struggle at the same things, we’ll understand each other, we can struggle and learn together. hopefully this will not be a romantic partner because i don’t think my brain is hardwired to deal with matters of the heart in a stable way. i hope that by the time i feel safe, the children of gaza feel safe too. i hope we win. i thought of them when i got dehydrated and worried that ill get a uti, i thought about how much worse they have it. i think of them all the time but especially when im suffering and im reminded that they have it many folds worse. i try to derive hope, strength, and gratitude from that instead of helplessness, and powerlessness.

i haven’t been able to take out the trash and get rid of my dead plants and they’re starting to attract bugs and i really need to do that today, i’ve been saying that everyday, it’ll just take seconds. i also am very close to having $0 in my account because i had to buy some meds and i found some vitamins for half price and decided to buy a whole buttload of them #forhealthiguess also its SO HOT. and im trying to avoid turning on my air conditioner because my electricity bill last month was $140??? like why? it’s a crazy world out here. crazy expensive. for the millionth time, i really should get a real job soon. or try to. i doubt i’ll ever have enough to be independent. i fear i’ll always be at the mercy of my parents. i fear i’ll heal too slow to keep up with the damage.

all day i did nothing. that’s not true, i went grocery shopping and i made meatballs, and spaghetti and it turned out great. the one thing i always cook successfully is any kind of pasta, never fails. i feel 50% guilty for not doing anything important today. such as taking out the trash, cleaning my room, etc. it’s the one thing i hate doing: house chores. makes me wanna scream, cry and throw up. i made a mistake, last night i accidentally left my earphones on the couch at reception downstairs and hadn’t even realised until earlier today when i was leaving the building and saw it on the couch. i feel so relieved that i live in a place where nobody stole it all day. part of me feels like i don’t deserve to live so well. because for nearly a year, i have been living wonderfully, everything’s going so well, and all my demons are inside of my own head. this is new for me. there’s no actual threat, i think. still feels like there is. i’m less overwhelmed than usual, but still pretty overwhelmed. there’s always too many ideas and not enough ability to implement them. how do i feel chaos and clarity simultaneously. i just need a break from this mental torment. i think getting my apartment clean will definitely help with that. but it’s such a big task, even thinking about it makes me fall to my bed and start to rot. suddenly i find that my body won’t move. adhd sounds like it’s so quirky and funny until you’re surrounded with piles of garbage and flying insects and there is a mysterious sticky brown patch underneath the fridge that just will not move. until there’s no space to walk from one end of the room to the other without stepping on and crushing things underneath my feet. it feels as if my brain has acquired an endless supply of shame and guilt. i will probably not feel focused until my room is actually clean. clean enough to be inspected. clean enough to maybe even have visitors. i get anxious just thinking about the prospect.

[oncominggstorm]

Im autistic & adhd. Also have undiagnosed physical health issues which been acting up lately. Really not doing well, need help. Currently in shutdown, include verbal shutdown. And struggling type, forgive grammar plz. Need help & support, but is none. Don’t know what do. Everything feel impossible. Long vent under cut.

Want run away, somewhere no one can find. Somewhere quiet & alone, with internet & tv so can watch comfort shows, play comfort games, etc. But will turn off phone, or get new number, or just block all family except younger sister on everything, or something, idk. Want comfy bed & comfy chairs & good temperature control & good food, and just quiet & solitude. Preferably somewhere out in nature. Let everyone figure out their own shit without me. Can’t do this anymore. ONLY things keeping me from doing are younger sister & lack of money. Mom & twin sister need figure shit out on own, can’t handle anymore. Can’t do.

Dont have a job or any money at all, literally only have $5 (and well over $20k in credit card debt, in collections). Am in autistic burnout & have been for nearly 3 years now. Had quit job in May cuz burnout so bad. But still expected take care of entire family.

Live with dad & twin sister (will call twin). Dad extremely NT & able bodied, dont understand me/twin at all. Knows nothing about autism/adhd & unwilling to learn. Pays bills & does chores so that is helpful, but not willing do any other support. Doesn’t believe in mental health.

Mom & younger sister (will call younger) live with grandma. Younger is 12 yrs younger, i basically raised. Feel almost more like parent than sister. Also is best friend & person i care most about in world, would die for her. Hate seeing her suffer. Twin & younger both also autistic & adhd, and neither have job. Grandma has moderate (bordering on advanced) dementia & need 24/7 supervision & support. Younger currently has busted knee, on crutches & really struggling & lot of pain. Mom refusing to believe is as bad as is, thinks younger is exaggerating, barely helping her. Ive been having drive over nearly daily to help. Mom had multiple strokes 2 years ago, still has both cognitive & physical challenges as result, & just lost job. Mom almost deffo undiagnosed autistic/adhd but refuses to believe. Doesnt believe younger is either (she still undiagnosed, me & twin formal diagnosed recently). Mom never great person, but got much worse after strokes, is mean & bordering on verbally abusive to us (and is DEFFO verbal abusive to grandma). Also has horrible memory & cognitive issues, doesnt understand things correctly, half of what she says doesn’t make sense, makes helping her hard.

Twin sick rn, lots of stomach issue & pain. Found out few months ago has enlarged spleen, but no answer yet, cant see specialist til Dec. Twin also has medical anxiety, so hard to know for sure what is real & what isnt. Every day twin ask me for MULTIPLE favors; get things for her, do things for her, etc. Also get MULTIPLE txts every day complaining about not feeling well, yet she refuse go doctors. Counted once a few days ago: in 11 hour period, asked for 7 favors & texted 13 times about pain.

Even when not sick tho, twin basically never help. Feels like she think I “less disabled” than her, not true. I doing horribly and still have take care everyone else while she sits on couch play video games & ask me to bring her things. No one ever bring ME things. Twin NEVER return favor no matter how bad I do/how well she do. One sided only.

Today twin ask for SO MANY THINGS, CONSTANTLY. Doesnt seem to care that I not doing well either & just CANNOT handle, keeps asking anyway. I tell her how bad am doing & immediately she ask for more favors. Won’t shut up about how sick she is (feeling very “wrong” w/stomach issues, has enlarged spleen but don’t know why yet & is worried that is cause), and says she is NOT OK, and that something is VERY wrong & she is worried she is dying, but also won’t get her ass to ER. Also expect /ME/ take her AND go in with, if decides go. Told her has to ask mom or dad first. Now just won’t go, and instead just keep complain to me about how bad doing & keep asking for help with stuff.

On top of that, am constant worried about all shit mom needs to do: get grandma house in her name so can keep (rn bank gets when grandma dies due to 2nd mortgage or something idk, which will make mom & younger homeless), get grandma car in her name (mom hasnt had own car in like 6+ yrs, just uses gma’s), figure out her unemployment (applied but no check yet cuz needs submit weekly proof of job applications & doesnt know how), get guardianship for grandma (mom never even got power of attorney, and is too late now cuz grandma cant understand to sign, so rn we just stuck cuz grandma not capable make decisions, but legally we cant make for her either), update her resume, get help for grandma, etc. Most of it fall to me. Mom kind of person who just WILL NOT do things, no matter how much help u give (ex: was trying get her accommodations for her job after strokes so wouldnt lose job. Explained process multiple times, both verbally & in writing. Figured out who she needed contact for help & wrote out email for her, ALL she had do was copy & paste & send email. Didnt do it. Now fired cuz couldnt keep up w/out accommodations). Mom also no longer even ask for help, just tells us we are doing. Ex: said to me “I’m going to come over tomorrow so you can help me do my job searches for unemployment.” Just tells me I’m doing it, not even ask. Sick of it. Grandma have dementia, at point where cannot even shower or wash hands, we have no support at all, doing everything ourselves. ADRC says only way to get grandma help is to put lien on her house & sell to pay off when she dies, but mom & younger live with grandma so that would make them homeless once she dies. Says we can’t even get occasional respite care unless give up house, let alone regular in home care.

Just can’t handle anymore. Feel like am being broke into thousand pieces, or crushed by thousand lb weights. Feel stuck. Feel like no choices, no good options, no way out. Want run away. Want take younger & her cat & find cabin in woods somewhere & just go run away from everything/everyone else. But can’t, no money. Feel so stuck. No help. No support. Don’t know what do.

[mejomonster]

I found some adhd tips the other day that I actually feel like implementing cause they Clicked for me:

A video went into how the long waiting periods a person ends up doing are sometimes our brain trying to FOCUS on the thing we have to do later and not forget it. Such as “have a doctor appointment at 3 pm, so do nothing for the 5 hours beforehand because our brain is trying to REMEMBER to leave for the doctors and REMEMBER to get ready for the doctors until approximately idk 2 pm when we can finally use the thing we’ve been fighting desperately to remember.” So partly, that period where we can’t do anything or focus on anything or get anything done, that’s oddly exhausting? Is us trying to focus on remembering something we are struggling to, which takes energy, and takes away ability to focus on other stuff.

The video’s proposed suggestions: write down the stuff you need to remember. This one I do already do: put it on my outlook calendar I’m constantly seeing, if I’m at work, in time blocks starting with when I need to prep, and notes in the calendar event so i have a list of all steps/info i need to remember. 

The video suggested though that the best written aids may be whiteboards in a highly visible spot, loose leaf paper and sticky pads in visible spots, and crossing out things as you do them as it’ll help with feeling you’re getting things done (rather than erasing). 

The big benefit to writing whatever you need to remember down? You can now stop trying to remember it for hours until you need to do it, and just let yourself forget it. Freeing up some energy to focus on other stuff.

When you write stuff down break down the list of tasks as MUCH as you want/helps. For me that might be: “get psp, plug in to charge, find memory card, turn on laptop and open up email i saved with links, read linked article 1, grab charged psp and put memory card in, start following directions in article 1, done! turn off laptop and put away” 

The other big suggestion was alarms. Now, I normally hate alarms, I barely use them for anything but waking up. But the video made some fair points so now I’m considering.

They said set the alarm for when you need to start preparing for the activity, and title it something like “Start TASK in TIME” in your phone. 

So like “Start spreadsheet in 50 minutes,” then when the timer goes off you can start getting together materials for spreadsheet and be able to start it in 50 minutes. Or even break it down more: “pick up floor in 20 minutes” and it goes off in 4 hours when you planned to clean, then another alarm set 30 minutes after the first alarm titled “vacuum in 5 minutes.” So you get prep time for 20 minutes, then pick up the floor for 10 minutes, then get an alarm to vacuum to remind you to switch tasks and remind you to prepare to, remind you that you planned to vacuum too in case you forgot. 

The idea is that an EXTERNAL reminder will remember the event for us, so we can let go of trying to focus on remembering and can focus on other stuff in the meantime. The external reminder does NOT rely on us remembering to look at a piece of paper (actually a good timer might be “look at TO DO STEPS in 5 minutes” set every few hours now that i think of it, and detailed things u wanted to do on the list instead of in timers) or remembering to DO something at a certain time. The alarm remembers for us, freeing up focus. The alarm also may startle us out of whatever we were focusing on in the moment, which may help us start to switch to the new task.

The video mentioned also to switch up alarm sounds so you’re not used to them, again to help them get your attention and be unexpected to help you switch to the new thing. And how other people potentially hearing the alarm may motivate some people to hear them since they won’t want to bug other people for 10 minutes of it blaring. 

I am trying the alarm thing today, and seeing if using it as a ‘reminder’ so i can forget and focus on NOW things instead helps with my hours of inaction. We’ll see. I think the concept of why it would help makes sense

Finally, the video mentioned sometimes its easier to push to do a task if you think you’re doing it for someone else. They suggested thinking of “doing something for your future self tomorrow.” You prep now like by making a list or setting an alarm, get tasks done now like putting the dishes away, and future you is helped by not having to remember what they need to do and not still having the dishes-away step to do etc.

I honestly can’t really be bothered to help future me much I’m gonna be honest. I already do a lot of prep work just cause I can’t even do a task if I haven’t made a to do list of directions and put it on my calendar ToT

I DO think I get much more motivated to get up and do a task when it benefits others though. Instead of thinking “I should do the dishes,” if I think “oh X will be sad if she sees a messy kitchen and feel she HAS to do them before she goes to bed” then i get the motivation to go do the dishes for 5 minutes and at least handle some of them. Because if I put them off until ‘tomorrow’ then I’ll be worried someone else will do them and be bothered. Or laundry, I will put it off ages but if I think “oh X will need laundry machine on saturday, and I have so many dirty towels from hair dying, I’ll postpone their laundry schedule if I wait to do it until then and take up Their Planned time... so I guess I’ll do it tonight ahead of time and hurry up and make sure the machines are empty before saturday so their laundry doesnt take too long and they don’t have to work around me.” 

Those kind of thoughts can’t be come up with for everything (and honestly I think one should not ever feel they Need to cater to others and are Bad if they do stuff at their own pace, so there’s definitely Dangerous Area in here somewhere if you’re prone to fawning and people pleasing which I sure am lol). But when I plan to do something anyway (like oh I was annoyed by the living room covered in boxes and dirty bottles), and i just can’t get myself to get up and DO it for hours? Then thinking “oh X wants it done or is annoyed its not done (who isn’t me)” or “X will probably clean it up tomorrow if I leave it, and I didn’t want to leave a mess for someone else” or “X plans to do it but they seem tired i think i could do something nice for them and just get it done real quick now.” 

I’ve also seen ‘artificial deadlines’ help with starting actions. So like: while your coffee is brewing, do some kitchen tidying until the beeper goes off that it’s done. Or turn the tea kettle on, or microwave some food, or bake with an oven timer, or when someone says “dinner is in 10 minutes.” and try to “get some tasks done” while the timer is going and see if you can finish by the timer. 

Also by this reasoning, I suspect the writer tips and study tips of like “set a time for 20 minutes and read as much as you can/write as much as you can/read as many section summaries as you can/take as many notes as you can/get through as many math problems as you can” might help? Just this idea that its NOT a long time commitment, its RIGHT NOW so you can just Start, you get a break in 20 minutes (if you want one), and the accomplished amounts in 20 minutes might be motivating. (I think for me maybe 30 minutes would be a sweet spot... just because i tend to be able to hyperfocus AFTER 30 minutes of trying hard to do a task, if i can hyperfocus at all it’s gonna take at minimum 30 minutes or longer). At the same time, I think shorter might work better in some cases. I used to say “read 20 minutes” or try a show “20 minutes” or try a video game “20 minutes” when i’d switch tasks until i could focus on something, just cause it was an honest attempt to really engage with something... but not so long i couldn’t actually do it. I COULDNT do 2 hours of a book I can’t focus on or movie. But i can do 20 minutes in two 10 minute chunks or four 5 minute chunks. Then if I was splitting even 20 minutes into breaks lol? I probably couldn’t focus on that and needed to move onto trying something else. 

[ghostussy]

Terzo and Copia x (neurodivergent) overstimulated reader

Google translated Italian ahead

     (Get your mind out of the gutter weirdos) 

     Reader has some form of neurodivergency. I have adhd so this will be leaning more towards that but feel free to use your imagination! Also a disclaimer, I know this isn’t usually how people respond to overstimulation in public, but honestly there are some days that I wish I could so yeah  :) 

/ / /

     Mass had just started.

     You sat in the back of the church, in the last few rows; there were always less people there, and you found it easier to focus on the sermon. Not today though; you couldn’t quite put your finger on why, but you simply couldn’t pay attention. You weren’t sure if it was because you had woken up late, or if maybe it was because you had skipped breakfast, or maybe the lights were a little off. Maybe it was all three. 

     You suddenly became hyper-aware of all the things happening around you. At the front of the church, Primo was speaking too loudly; the lights were too bright, too many people in the pews were whispering, the building was too cold. You felt a twinge of fear tighten in your chest, threatening to climb into your throat; you tried your best to ignore it. After all, you couldn’t just leave. Well, you supposed you could, but then everyone would watch you go; you couldn’t stand the thought of being the center of attention. Not now. 

     You watched the clock as the minutes ticked by agonizingly slow. You tried to busy yourself by looking around the room; anything to try to change your focus. When that didn’t work, you removed your glasses and plugged your ears, keeping your elbows down to keep from drawing too much attention to you. You looked up at Primo, watching as he continued to speak, though you couldn’t understand a word that he was saying. You noticed Primo glance in your direction a few times, but you didn’t think anything further of it. You didn’t have the energy to do so anyway. 

     To your surprise, you heard Primo stop the sermon; this caught you off guard since you weren’t even halfway through the service. You managed to hear him say, “I will give you fifteen minutes to ponder my words. During this time, please feel free to use the restroom or chat with each other. I will be back shortly.” He then gave a thoughtful nod and walked off the stage. Immediately the volume in the room increased unbearably, everyone speaking all at once.

     Now was your chance. You quickly stood up, weaving through the crowd as you continued covering your ears. You couldn’t pay attention to those around you, clumsily bumping into people as you mumbled apologies in your haste. It’s too loud, you thought; you had to get out of here. You were so close to a meltdown, you could feel it. Tears formed in your eyes; you had to leave. Now. 

     Finally you made it into the hallway. It was quiet here, and there was no one around. You uncovered your ears and turned a corner, running into somebody at full speed.

     “Ah, merda- I’m terribly sorry, dear. Are you alright?” Terzo stood in front of you, looking concerned. “I was just looking for you... Where are your glasses?”

     That was the final straw. “Oh no- I-I left them, oh no-” tears were falling now, and you stumbled over your words. You knew you had to go back into the chapel, fight through the crowd and listen to everyone talking over each other. You couldn’t express this verbally, however; all Terzo heard were choked sobs as you blubbered out nonsense. 

     Now he was twice as concerned as before. Luckily, he recognized your behavior; after all, he had helped Copia through many meltdowns. “Oh, cara,” he spoke gently, then used his hands to cup your face. “Look at me. Take deep breaths- In, and out. In, and out. There we go. Keep breathing. It’s okay.” 

     You finally were able to begin collecting your thoughts; the deep breaths gave you a second to calm down and figure out what the issue what. However, now you found yourself unable to speak, and unable to tell Terzo what was wrong. 

     “Oh, bambina- can you tell me what happened to your glasses? Surely you cannot see.”

     You flapped your hands a bit, then finally pointed to the doors of the chapel. He seemed to understand. 

     “Oh! You left them in the pew? That’s alright, I will go fetch them. I understand that it is too loud for your little ears, no? Just wait right here, I will be back.” He ruffled your hair, then disappeared back around the corner. You took this time to sit on the floor against the wall, bringing your knees to your chest. You covered your ears and closed your eyes, trying to drown out the remaining lights and noise. It was all too much, and it hurt immensely. You debated skipping the rest of mass. 

     It wasn’t long before Terzo returned with your glasses. He crouched down on the floor in front of you, tapping your arm gently. You looked up at him, and he noticed the pain in your eyes. He handed you your glasses, which you held in your hand instead of putting them back on your face. He held a hand out to you and helped you to your feet, then continued holding your free hand so as to lead you somewhere. 

     You followed him obediently, not saying a word. You couldn’t; you still couldn’t find the words. You fidgeted with his hand still in yours, squirming your fingers and squeezing his hand. He squeezed your hand back reassuringly. 

     Eventually, he led you to a dark room far away from the chapel. You recognized it as one of the Ministry’s many sensory rooms; Sister Imperator had insisted that they were needed, and for that you were thankful. Along one wall was a small set of storage cubbies holding soundproof headphones, fidget toys, plush animals, and blankets, as well as some other stuff. There was also a single lamp, casting the room in a dark, comfortable glow. Throughout the rest of the room were different seating choices, such as a sensory swing, beanbag chairs, and a giant couch. 

     Terzo brought you over to the couch, prompting you to take a seat. He took your glasses from your hand and set them on a nearby table. “Alright, tesoro. What can I get for you?” 

     You struggled to find the words at first, but after a moment, you found yourself able to speak again. “A blanket, please.”

     “Would you like a pair of headphones?”

     You shook your head no. They felt so big on your head; you preferred to cover your ears if you needed to. 

     He brought over a soft blanket. It was blue with a starry night sky as a design. “Would you like me to lay with you?” You nodded yes. 

     You stood, allowing him to lie down on the couch. Then you laid on top of him and curled up he draped the blanket over the two of you. “There we go,” he spoke softly. “All nice and cozy. Are we feeling better now?” You nodded once again, burying your face in his chest. “Good, very good.” He ran his hand along your back. 

     You found your voice once more. You didn’t have much energy or space to move your hands to stim, but you could stim vocally. “Can I...make noise?” you asked him. 

     “Certainly.” 

      You immediately started stimming; you tapped your hand lightly on his chest as you made a series of chirps and clicks with your mouth. After a moment the stims slowed, and you found yourself calming down. You decided to speak. 

     “Papa? Why did Primo decide to stop the sermon?”

     “Ah, well- you see-” he was suddenly interrupted by the door being thrown open. You flinched at the sudden noise, looking up to see a very distraught looking Copia. 

     “Ah! So sorry- s- sorry to intrude,” he managed. “I will go.” 

     “Fratello, attendere prego. Vuoi unirti a noi? (*brother, please wait. Do you want to join us?)”

     “Ah- I do not- do not wish to intrude.” He wrung his hands, turning to leave.

     “You would not intrude. Please, come here. I know it is loud in the halls.” He stood, leaving you on the couch. He walked over to the cubby, grabbing an armful of blankets and tossing them on the floor. He did the same with all the pillows in the room, creating a nest of sorts. “There is not enough space for the three of us on the couch. However, the two of you may join me on the floor if you’d like.” He laid down, patting the empty spaces next to him. You were quick to join him, curling up in the crook of his arm in a tangle of blankets. Copia stood off to the side awkwardly, unsure of what to do. “Brother, you do not intrude. Please, lie down. I know your head aches.”

     Copia let out a defeated sigh, slowly easing onto the floor. He left a couple of feet of space in between him and his brother, only to be pulled closer by Terzo. He ran his free hand through the tired man’s hair, causing him to sigh. Copia grabbed a blanket, curling up closer to his brother. It wasn’t long before his fingers lost their grip on the blanket, and light snores were leaving his mouth. Obviously the service had taken it’s toll on him as well. 

     “Terzo?” you asked quietly.

     “Yes?”

     “You never said why Primo stopped mass.”

     “Ah, yes. He took notice of yourself and my brother’s conditions. He sent me to come find you as well.”

     “Oh, I’m so sorry. I never meant to interrupt the service!”

     “It’s quite alright. It was clear that Copia was struggling greatly as well. Neither of you can help it.” He ran his other hand through your hair. “It is simply something that happens sometimes.” 

     You relaxed into his touch. The sharp edges of your meltdown had worn off, now replaced with fatigue. He took notice of the glazed look in your eyes. 

     “You may sleep, giovane. It is alright. I will be here.” 

     You raised a fist to rub at your eyes, now stifling a yawn. A sleepy whine left your lips. “I’m not tired, though.”

     He chuckled. “Alright, then. Suit yourself.” He continued playing with your hair, humming softly in your ear as he did so. You felt your heartbeat slow and your breaths even out, your eyes half-lidded. You fought it for a few moments, until the sleepy feeling became too great for you to handle. Finally you let yourself drift off, allowing the world to fade gently as you lay contentedly in Terzo’s secure hold.

[kailimepi]

Musing on bg3 mods and learning styles/requirements

Okay. I've spent the requisite hours browsing tumblr and ruminating on gender this morning. Now its time to work. Back to operation: Lythira's custom face/head. Gonna have to redo it from the start today but I managed to get an elf head onto a tiefling body and give it some cute spikey ears last night so I think now at least I've got some of the basics of this part of process down. It only took the better part of 8+hours, some tears and temper tantrums, and wanting to give up and never look at it again like half a dozen times to get the first couple of steps figured out(sort of). Real talk tho: the tutorials, guides, resources, etc for this are so very frustrating FOR ME. They're full of wonderful information from very smart, generous humans who're doing all this for free and I'm so incredibly grateful. However, the way they're laid out, the way folks just gesture vaguely to their general direction with a "these tutorials are wonderful and all you need and this is how everyone else figured it out so you should be able to too", the lack of a step by step-hold your hand through every single click and button press and explain every tiny detail as we go through the full thing is PAIN for me. I know I probably sound stupid to others to need that level of care but meh. Its not something I can help so oh well. And its NO ONES FAULT! I am not mad at them about it. I am not dunking on the people who've created and shared these things AT ALL. Again - I AM EXTREMELY GRATEFUL! THEY ARE FUCKING AMAZING! TRULY! It's just not the best FOR ME. I am struggling because of my own funky little processing center. My own special brand of fucking adhd bullshit. Which tbh is a whole thing in itself. I cried the first night I started trying to understand all of this because I realized just how hard it was going to be for me to make sense of any of it in a meaningful way. Got up from my desk after desperately trying to focus and understand for several hours and seeing the comments of "just follow this. just do this. just watch this first." that pointed to things that were equally as unhelpful to me and just crawled in bed feeling stupid and childish and defeated. If not for my husband's encouragement the next day when I was talking to him about my frustration, and his reminder that he's got some knowledge of what I'm doing and he'd always help me because he knows how my brain works, I never would have tried again I don't think. There may be what I'm looking for out there somewhere and I just haven't found it yet for sure. But man I've been looking. Anyway, I think because I love teaching, once I get it all figured out well enough that I'm comfortable sharing what I know, I might write up a guide in the language and style that I would have needed. I did something like it for my eye color presets that I plan on fleshing out more and sharing eventually. I've done it with plenty of other stuff in other games as well. It wouldn't be hard with the notes I take as I learn. Just take some time and lord knows I've got lots of that to spare. If it helps one other person who's like me and isn't a fan of everything mostly being video tutorials and prefers to be given every single step in order with lots of detail and explanation, then the time will be well spent.

[thesaltiestlamp]

i’m cryingggg

THE PJOTV CAME OUT TODAY AND IM CRYING SCREAMING THROWING UP WHEN I SEE THESE CLIPS OF THE SHOW ON TUMBLR, I DONT SEE THEM AS THE ANXIOUS DEPRESSED [age] I AM NOW, I SEE IT AS A CONFUSUED [age] YEAR OLD WHO HAD JUST BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD AND DIDNT KNOW WHAT TK DO, WHO DIDNT HAVE MEDS THAT WORKED YET, THE [age] YEAR OLD WHO SAW ADHD REPRESENTED IN THE BOOKS SHE SO DEARLY LOVED FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. SHE SAW THE OLDER KIDS IN THE BOOKS WITH ADHD STILL DOING COOL STUFF AND STILL BEING ABLE TO LIVE NORMALLY. I SEE IT AS THE ADMIRING [age] YEAR OLD WHO JUST WANTED TO LIKE THE SAME THINGS AD HER BEST FRIEND AND CRUSH. I SEE IT AS A LITTLE KID WHO FINALLY FOUND A PLACE TO BE HERSELF. A KID WHO WAS FINALLY ABLE TO SEE HERSELF IN A BOOK. I DONT LOOK AT THE PJO BOOKS AND SEE PERCY AND ALL THE BELOVED CHARACTERS, I SEE A LITTLE GIRL HOLDING A BOOK TIGHTLY TO HER CHEST AND HOPING THAT ONE DAY SHE COULD BE AS COOL AS PERCY OR AS BRAVE AS ANNABETH, OR AS STRONG AS ARTEMIS. I SEE A LITTLE GIRL WHO NEVER HAD HSD CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE SHE WASNT AT SCHOOL FINALLY FIND HAPPNESS IN THE CAMPERS. I SEE A LITTLE GIRL WHO TOOK BUZZFEED QUIZZES TO SEE WHAT CAMP SHE WAS IN, SO SHE COULD FALL ASLEEP AND IMAGINE SHED WAKE UP AT CAMP HALFBLOOD IN RHE MORNING. I SEE MYSELF IN THOSE BOOKS.

[letstalkwhump]

Let’s Talk Whump No.2

Welcome to Let’s Talk Whump. 

I’m Malice from @whumpers-inc and I’ll be your host. Today I’m talking to an awesome mutual of mine, @whumpy-daydreams also known as Harri! I’ve admired her writing from a distance for a while now so it was so good to be able to interview her today!

Let’s talk about you! Tell us something about yourself :) My name's Harri, I'm 21 and in my last year of uni. I love worldbuilding and have been creating a world for the last 6 years with stories spanning hundreds of years in it. I also love medical related things and have a passion for surgery

What does “whump” mean to you? For me it's a way to process pain and a chance to see characters overcome hard things. It's also just fun though!

You’re a familiar face in the whump community. How did you find it and what made you want to join? I can't remember how I found the whump community, but I've liked whump ever since I can remember. I joined the community because I wanted a place to reach and share whump, which I hadn't found anywhere else

Do you have a favourite(s) whump trope? Defiant whumpees are the love of my life. Its so cathartic to see a character keep fighting even when they're trapped and to try so desperately to keep going. I also love dangerous/morally grey whumpees because it makes the whumper so much scarier. On the topic of whumpers, whumpers who make jokes and are sarcastic/taunting are also great. Also lab whump, mainly for the sterile environment and aesthetic.

Defiant whumpees, my beloved! They’re so good. Speaking of favourite pieces, tell us one that you’ve written? Probably 'smile for the camera' or 'countdown to freedom'  because I think the writing flows nicely and has a more imaginative writing style. Also in countdown to freedom, I really like the use of the cowntdowns in different ways.

“Smile for the Camera” is so good. I love filmed whump, it’s on another level! Is there anything new you’re working on at the moment? I constantly have works in progress, my main whump one (land of liars) is something I update when I have inspiration for it. At the moment I'm trying to work on a fantasy wip that I'd like to publish someday, but it's still mainly in the planning and plotting stage

Sounds like you’re pretty busy! What does your writing routine usually look like? Definitely more of a night writer, but then again I am basically nocturnal. I dont often have food or drinks because I'll forget about them when I'm writing (I have ADHD). Sometimes I'll have a few days where I'll write loads but it's usually just when inspiration strikes and then I'll write a couple of pages in one go.

We could be writing schedule twins, honestly. You really can’t control when the inspiration will strike… Do you find your writing ability varies from piece to piece? Especially with writing whump, I struggle with being too repetitive, and also I use a lot of dialogue. In my head, it's like I'm watching a film and just copying down what happens so it often flows easily but I'll have to replay things in my head or rewrite a part a lot to get it to make sense.

Do you have any words of wisdom or writing advice for us? Read things and find writing techniques you like! Maybe there's a way someone describes smells that you like, and another person mixes dialogue and action. Try out different ways of writing and experiment sometimes. Another tip is to read your writing out loud once you’re done. This helps find places where it's unclear or doesn't make sense (or spelling/grammar errors)

We’re hyping everyone up here. Are there any whump blogs you’d like to shout-out? @whumblr 's writing is just incredible, I remember reading 'home is where the hurt is' in about 2 days because I just had to know what was going to happen next. Also @straight-to-the-pain has excellent whump and is part of the British medical whump gang. Plus all of the amazing whumpy gif makers! They're all incredible and provide such good inspiration.

So good to have you here. Thanks so much for joining us today, @whumpy-daydreams!

To everyone reading, have a whump-derful day!