#→ get annoyed sometimes when I see others doing that → realize thats not fair to them → realize thats not fair to myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ghostbrawl · 3 months

Note

sent the 🐯 - nono the thing is i do know you!! youre not a stranger im just... sometimes i get spooked off, from interacting so much. because sometimes i think people just hate me and only keep me around as to not make me upset :( and thats got nothin to do with you, you didnt do anything wrong. its me with my stupid thoughts and shit. i think youre really cool and i love your art and style and you seem so confident and dont give a shit about a lot of things. im intimidated by that

tried to answer this one privately and realized i couldn't because its an anon ask haha .. welp! i still want you to hear my input on this one so it's just going to be no reblog.

i'm going to put my response under the cut though for the sake of people's dashboards and because it's somewhat mushy. continue if you dare, followers - i'll be talking in depth about, like, emotions an shit.

so i sat on this ask for a while and really rolled it around my enclosure a little bit. full disclosure i need to just say for a long time i also felt this way - by that i mean feeling as though [people just hate me and only keep me around as to not make me upset] - for various reasons.

one reason was that i had experienced real world examples of this sort of coddling many times - people online and in real life would often entertain me to my face and talk about me behind my back, mostly until i got too annoying to bear and was openly lashed out at or shunned. most of these incidents occurred when i was 16 or younger, to be fair, but they did make a mark on me.

another reason was just anxiety - if i didn't know exactly what the people around me thought, it would be safe to say those thoughts were bad. it would've verified what i thought about myself- and assuming those people already hated me allowed me to empathize with the versions of my loved ones that i created in my head. i often mourned the fact that they had to deal with me before i even knew whether they were annoyed or not.

these were the two main reasons why i often felt like people hated me, but i'm sure there were more.

i don't have an EXACT read on who you are anon, though i feel like i have an idea (you don't have to tell me, but if you'd like, reach out and send me a dm) - but personally, if we know each other, and i've not yelled at you or blocked you or told you not to talk to me, there's an incredibly decent chance (99%) that i neither hate you nor think you're annoying.

if you're my next door neighbor from two years ago, i take that back. but if you aren't, keep reading!

other than in my deepest darkest worst moments, i've pretty much trained myself out of the kneejerk assumption that my friends and loved ones hate me. i'll try not to sound preachy when i talk about why, but trust me when i say i have a point here in talking about it.

anyway - here's how i stopped doing that.

#1 - i started to model my own understandings of people's attitudes toward others based on my own attitudes.

ok i know that sounds weird or isn't very easy to understand so let me just give an example.

a technique i used a lot was just thinking through how, when, and why i liked or loved my friends. i loved my friends because they have similar interests to me, because of the history we had together, because it was easy to communicate with them, because i loved their minds and ideas, because they enriched my life (even when i didn't talk to them as much), because i was excited to hear from them + learn about their life, because i cared about them and didn't want to see them sick or hurt, because they were fun to hang out with, etc. etc etc.

then, i'd think about how i felt when one of my friends messed up, was irritating, annoying, or made me angry in some way. depending on how egregious the ill was, i reacted anywhere from pretty much none at all (for most irritations or annoyances) - to 'angry in the moment, it fades later' (for high stress situations in which i had no excuses for that friend) - to 'we seriously need to work this out' (for ongoing situations in which i was building up the strength to address).

most of the time, the irritations i encountered fell into the first category. many times i couldn't even be annoyed - i loved those friends so much that it didn't even matter, either in the very second the irritation happened or in the grand scheme of things.

in the few moments that i encountered more grave irritations such as those in the last category, what usually would happen is either that me and the other person sorted out our grievances and both agreed to change our behavior, or we parted ways.... and many of the friends i parted ways with i found wanting their company again and reconnected with them.

in evaluating myself in the context of my friends, though i can never know how, when, or why my friends love me, i know for relative certainty that when i am irritating or annoying to them, it is incidental and fades just as quickly for them as it fades for me. my friends will never be as concerned with my small flaws and ills as i am - it simply doesn't affect them nearly as much as it affects me.

^ this idea is doubly true for acquaintances and people you don't know as well as to say "friends" -- at the acquaintance level people can choose whether to get closer or to drift, factoring in time, interest, hyperfixation, location, their jobs, etc.

but this first technique only worked when i had the self-esteem to internalize the fact that other people's inner worlds were both just as complex as mine (holding complex feelings about oneself and each other) and just as simple as mine (annoyed or not? and for how long? etc)!

so another thing that really helped me was

#2 - faking confidence until i could build it properly.

i know everyone says this shit and it seems so ineffectual when it feels much more grounded and real to be cynical, to be anxious and upset with oneself.

and in many senses, it IS ineffectual - immediately. faking confidence is something that only works over years of doing it, and in faking your confidence you must also identify very real parts of yourself to be Actual Confident(tm) about and work toward feeling that way for real.

faking confidence is the sandbox where i, personally, found actual things to be proud of myself for within. when i faked confidence in my voice, way of thinking, my art, and my personality, i eventually found actual things to like in each of those aspects of myself based on how people reacted to that "front" of confidence i put up about those aspects of myself.

for a while i faced an awkward phase where my faked confidence was so intense that it manifested as arrogance and aggression toward others -- avoid this if you can . facepalm emoji.

but in presenting myself as somebody who was equal (or even greater) than other people in social situations i was in, other people pointed out things to be praised about me.

at first i'd be skeptical, but i'd keep it in the back of my mind. but over time, i'd see over and over the success of those parts of myself in social situations, artistic circles, athletic contexts, etc, and start to think "maybe i am good at [x]" or "maybe [personality trait] about me is helpful and cool", and on and on and on.

confidence and self-like is a process that builds on itself and gets easier over time. the second i began to question whether traits i had were really harmful or bad, the more i started to see reinforcing evidence of the contrary; of them being productive, healthy, interesting, worth having rather than destroying.

and the further you progress in this avenue, the easier it is to #not give a shit about things - or to respond less to attacks on the psyche or personality.

and when i reinforced + gained a respect for the parts of myself i once hated, it became easier to believe that others could admire me as much i admired them - that others could brush off my shortcomings as easily as i brushed off theirs.

recently, i hate to admit, i've had to start this process of loving myself all over again as i've started to experience a major personality shift brought on by gaining different + new responsibilities in my life. i respond differently to new circumstances so many times that i'm becoming somebody different - somebody i'm not yet prepared to love. somebody that i'm much more inclined to loathe, because i've seen the effects of my new personality traits on myself and others; not in observing my own actions, but in observing the actions of people in my life with the same personality traits such as my family.

so for now my confidence in a lot of situations is much shakier than it used to be - but the foundations i created back when are still there. when i don't believe in myself or punch down on myself i can keep it relatively contained internally and not project it onto others - or if i can't avoid projecting it, i at least understand on some level that i'm being unreasonable... and i can still keep that outward confident look pretty seamlessly while working out new insecurities from within.

trust me - i give a lot of shits, and so does every other confident person you know. we just keep it to ourselves - not to say that keeping it to oneself is inherently better, but it just helps to keep oneself from spiraling into deeper and deeper self hatred. keeping that hate on the down-low keeps it from gaining significant power.

in terms of being intimidated by other confident people....

i have nothing really to say about that. i think it's something that both affirms and worries the confident person in question - to be intimidating is to be slick and cool and impenetrable. but to be intimidating is also to be impenetrable (/neg) - impossible to see the inner life of through that glare of coolness or confidence. i guess its a double edged sword, i dunno.

but i think it gets easier to see even the intimidatingly cool as dorky, regular people when you recognize that pretty much everyone has or had crappy self image at one point. people are less intimidating when you allow the idea that they too, are people who fuck up, who go through things, who break down, who hate themselves, and who are just trying their best to seem like somebody lovable and worthwhile. and do that in order to CHASE interactions with others - and that wanting those interactions doesn't reflect badly on you or them.

but idk. i get it if u don't wanna read all that.

TLDR: ur thoughts aren't stupid and we've all been there. and i'm just some tumblr user on the internet it's really not so serious or scary. i post incessantly about robot sex and wizards instead of getting groceries. and everyone is just as stupid and dorky as the worst person you know and that's totally fine.

#may archive or private or delete this post once i feel like the anon in question has seen this - sorry for the MASSIVE fucking post.

3 notes · View notes

mynameis-a · 9 months

Text

rambling about levels in apeirophobia because i have nothing better to do with my time!

i played this game religiously back in march/april, and i've gotten to know the levels very well. (i've been accused of speedrunning multiple times because of how quickly i managed to get through some of the levels /srs) but i havent played it in quite a while.

(and for those who don't know [aka most people probably]: apeirophobia is a backrooms game on roblox. seeing as apeirophobia is the fear of infinity or endlessness, i think its very fitting for a game about being trapped in seemingly endless liminal spaces)

(also this is very long i'm sorry)

level 0: lobby [4/10]

definitely not the best level.

once you get spotted by the entity, you really just cant get away unless you have the gamepasses that give you more speed and stamina (at least i think that would work? i don't actually have the game passes so i'm not quite sure)

i do like the layout of the map though. as long as i don't run into the entity, i can get through that level pretty quickly!

level 1: the poolrooms [7/10]

its very easy to do in multiplayer, but i can't do it solo. (thats most levels to be fair though)

i know the exact locations of all the valves you need to find! one of them is on the left side of the map, while the other 4 are one after the other along the right wall (leading to the exit). most people either don't know or forget about the 5th one, so i always go for that one. it makes the level go so much faster when the group doesn't have to go back and try to find the last one!

but if people are whistling and drawing the starfish towards the spawn hallway before anyone has a chance to get out, any like i have for this level just goes out the window.

and speaking of the metaphorical window,

level 2: the windows [5/10]

theres literally nothing to even say about this level.

its just 30 seconds maximum of running.

no obstacles, no entities, no nothing.

i mean its kinda fun to race the other players but thats it.

ranking this higher than the lobby because this one isnt annoying.

level 3: abandoned office [5/10]

i either really really like playing this level, or really really hate it. which is why it gets a 5/10.

when people do nothing but distracting the hound, leaving me to carry everyone else by getting the keys and buttons? those are the best. i genuinely love carrying in this game! i know where all the buttons are, and having someone take the hounds attention away from me makes it so much easier than if everyone was trying to find stuff at once! plus i know what buttons have been pressed and what keys have been found.

when i get to be the distraction, that's also not so bad! i like to lure the hound far into the spawn hallway so that the other players can run faster without needing to worry about it. sometimes i do die, i'm not that good, but being farther into thehallway also means i can immediately run to the exit when all the buttons are pressed!

when everyone is doing their own thing, that's when i hate it. no communication whatsoever. nobody knows who has the keys, or what buttons have been pressed, and everyone keeps dying to the hound. and considering as this is the majority of the servers i've played this level on, it just makes me not want to play it as much.

honestly, i would prefer to play this level with 3 people who have never even gotten to this level before that just let me carry them, than a bunch of "pros" that don't even realize that they have one of the keys on them.

level 4: the sewers [8/10]

this is the level that makes people think i'm a pro.

i have joined so so many rooms when people couldn't get past this level because its such a long and complicated maze (which it is) and the i show up and beat it easily.

i actually went to the wiki and looked at a map of the maze while playing it myself on a single player server. and if there's one thing i'm good at, its remembering random shit. in this case, it just so happens to be the way out!

i'm not perfect, there are a few parts that i keep forgetting where to go (and considering as i havent played this game for a couple months, i'm probably worse now.) but most of the time i still get through very quickly!

a singular point is being taken off due to me not having enough stamina to keep running. i already black out constantly in real life, i dont need that in a video game too! /lh

level 5: cave system [6/10]

i have mixed feelings about this level

on the one hand, the concept of the skin stealer thing is really cool! granted its kinda dumb in single player, but in multiplayer it makes it so much harder (in a good way). plus, i really like the map layout! even though i keep getting lost.

on the other, its just like the lobby in the sense that there's nowhere to hide from it. and since its the same size as a player, it can just follow you everywhere. also the bland white player model for the skin thing is pretty boring.

level 6: !!!!!!!!! [9/10]

another one i really like! one point off for not having enough stamina (like the sewers).

oh no! theres a large creature running after us! and the lights are all red! and theres loud emergency sirens going off!! clearly this level is extremely difficult, right? wrong.

it takes several seconds for the thing to actually start coming after us, plus its really slow. the red lights and sirens only serve to make you think its really dangerous.

most of the people who die on this level either dont know the layout and get stuck on the obstacles, are lagging and get stuck on the obstacles, or aren't good with the movement controls (mainly mobile or console players) and get stuck on the obstacles. once you beat the level once or twice, you figure out how it works and don't get stuck as often.

"but it sounds like its right behind us!" the entire map is us turning corners in a long hallway. if its in the hallway beside us (that we've already ran though), its going to sound much closer than it actually is, because its right beside us. not behind us.

this isnt actually me complaining about this levels difficulty. the fact that the entire level is designed to make you panic about a threat thats much more mild than you would expect? i actually love that! its purposely trying to stress you out and it works! (until you know about it that is)

maze + psycologically affecting the player + not needing to hide or gather items = 10/10 level in my book!!

but like in the sewers, i keep running out of stamina and blacking out. so minus 1 point for that.

level 7: the end? [9/10]

its a puzzle map!!!! and i've gotten really good at figuring it out!!

the only complaint i have is that the part with the book is soo time consuming. i have to look at the book, memorize a code, run over to the door, try the code, and pray that it works. otherwise its back to the book again.

thankfully, i have 2 monitors. so i can take a screenshot of the book, run to the door, and try all the codes i need without having to run back to the book.

still annoying though, so a point removed.

level 8: lights out [2/10]

there's only one level i hate more than this one.

its pitch dark, your flashlight does jack shit unless you're near a wall, and the stupid potato sack just loves camping the ONLY PLACE you can go to access the second half of the map. you know. the second half of the map where the exit is located???

like with the sewers, i have (mostly) memorized the way through the level. but unless there's someone distracting the sack thing, which typically there isn't, its going to take a long time to beat. if we even get that far.

also, there's occasionally a vine boom sound effect in the level. i have no idea why, but its a thing. plus one point for that.

level 9: sublimity [3/10] / [5/10]

this is my 3rd least favorite level, but hopefully the reason why has been fixed.

there was a glitch where, when you spawned, there is a large chance that you will end up stuck in the pool. completely unable to move. you just drown. and to make matters worse, if you respawned your screen just went completely black! you could still access the escape menu thankfully, but you couldnt even see the chat. your only hope was that someone didnt get stuck, and beat the level. because that takes you out of the "you died" screen without fucking up your game.

not including the glitch however, its like the windows. nothing really to do.

there's like 5 slides for the exit. i'm not sure if the different slides do different things, but i always just do through the purple one and it works.

3/10 because of the glitch, 5/10 if its been patched.

level 10: the abyss [7/10]

this level glitched out every single time i played it, but it was actually really funny.

the entities just. broke! they would occasionally move around a little but, but they never left the area that they spawned in. neither of them. you could even run up to them and they wouldn't even try and attack you! obviously if you run right up on them, you die, but that's different.

there supposed to roam around the map, and try to kill you once you once they spot you. so, you're supposed to hide in the lockers. but that glitch just makes it so much easier!

its annoying to try and find the keys in such a large map though, hence the lower score.

i've never actually played this level where the smilers actually work, so i don't know how the level is supposed to function. but with my glitched experiences, i like it!

level 11: the warehouse [8/10]

this one is parkour.

that's it, that's the level.

its difficult at first, but if you do it enough times you get used to the jumping physics of the game.

once you manage to get past the initial parkour and end up in the pretty easy maze, its smooth sailing from there! (unless you fall on the easiest jump like i did like twice)

its pretty easy to fuck up a jump and land in one of the lower shelves that you can't get off of without dying. but i'm not removing a point for that.

simply because its really funny to be speedrunning though the parkour and see someone in chat say "hey *user* look at me" and you look down and see them on the very bottom shelf just standing there staring at you.

level 12: creative minds [8/10]

i know where the paintings are, and where to put them, this is by far the easiest level to do in single player.

but i'm not going to talk about how the level works, i'm talking about the memorable encounter i had there.

my old avatar was mostly black (with some purple accents and white eyes). most of the entities in this game are pitch black. someone saw me turning a corner in this level and freaked out, thinking i was an entity at first. but what they said what that i was "too black". the other person on the server immediately called them out for being racist because they didn't have the context of black meaning #000000 and not the skin color. i got apologized to for an accidentally racist sounding comment about my roblox avatar on that level. i just think that was funny. especially when you add the context of me being very white irl.

level 13: the funrooms [0/10]

the entity teleports behind you. and if you dont turn around and look at it fast enough, it kills you.

there are 3 things that i am viscerally afraid of, and the third of those is being attacked from behind.

plus the creepily happy atmosphere just makes it worse.

i hope that the person who came up with this level gets a hole in their sock.

level 14: electrical station [6/10]

i haven't played this one very much, but its like the polar opposite of the funrooms. and simply because of that, it gets a 6/10.

level 15: the ocean of the final frontier [???/10]

what even is this level?

why are we on a boat?

how do we get off the boat??

question marks out of ten.

level 16: crumbling memory [3/10]

its like the lobby but worse. you can't see anything because of the black goo.

not much else to say

i didn't mean for this to be so long jesus christ 😭😭😭 very sorry about that

but anyways when the game updates and more levels get added, i'll reblog this with my opinions of those levels too!

so we'll see what happens then!

#i should play it again at some point #♡⊱a talks #apeirophobia #roblox #roblox game #long post

4 notes · View notes

dontpunchdogs · 4 months

Text

thoughts for today ! under a read more bcos it got long. yelling into the void.

ive always been hard to deal with - too sensitive to sounds, lights, temperature, texture, easily hurt by words, easily overwhelmed by other people, easily feeling left out among friends, too annoying, too loud but too quiet, needing too much reassurance, needing to feel wanted, needing needing needing. ive known this a long time. ive heard it from my parents countless times, had friends say they only hung around me out of pity, had partners say i was the most supportive partner theyd ever had; yet i need too much, my feelings are too confusing or too hard to consider, "i knew youd be upset but i didnt want to tell you and make you more upset" again and again and again.

no matter how small i tried to be, how light of a burden i made myself, its really never enough. i dont get what i need, my patience is worn thinner and thinner, and "suddenly" i snap. "suddenly" i disappear. as though there werent signs. as though i hadnt been begging for someone to care. as though i havent put others feelings and comfort above my own for years, been intentional, been thoughtful, been honest (in fairness, honest about everything besides the extent to which id been hurt) and made it clear how i love and how i want my efforts to be reciprocated.

i'm tired of it. i always thought i shouldnt live if nobody cared about me enough to pick me first. thats all ive ever wanted, really. someone to walk in a room full of people they care for and choose me out of everyone. someone who id choose over anything, even my own comfort when reasonable, and to know they'd do the same. just one person, and then i can handle everyone else letting me down, just one person, please, just one, one person, please, for once, just once.

i always find myself so fucking disappointed. maybe my standards are too high - the fact no one can meet me there makes me sad, but the idea of lowering my standards made me sadder. i can take disappointment, a lot of it, and i don't expect perfection. sometimes you cant give even 50% of your energy. sometimes you need to pick someone else. sometimes you need to pick a friend over a partner, or yourself over anyone else. but i cant handle the degree to which people constantly ignore my needs, or disregard them to indulge their wants.

im trying to rewire my brain now! im going to live, whether someone picks me or not. im going to care for others as much as i can, as hard as i can, but im going to limit those who disturb my peace. im going to put myself first, often as i can, or at least as often as id put others. i know what i need, and id do it for someone else - why not do it for me? why continue trying for people who cant be assed? why continue trying when im just difficult and draining?

today i had an overstimulating day at work. i still went to the grocery store, as id planned, because i needed to. when i drove home, i felt like id have a meltdown. instead i made myself laugh by seeing just how many bags i could carry at once. something stupid and simple, but i felt like i was good company. i put everything away. i made my lunch for tomorrow. i tried a new tea that i picked out and actually finally found one i liked. i ran a hot bubble bath. i washed my hair, my back, my body as though i was someone i loved. and i felt loved.

it was really nice. im holding onto that joy.

ive realized just how much pain other people tend to put me through. why, then, should i hinge my right to my life on my relationship with others?

im going to live. fuck anything else. fuck everybody whos ever made me feel like a fucking burden. if its soooo hard dealing with me, imagine fucking being me. i deserve so much better.

#howling #aghhhhghhhb #goodnight #💛

0 notes

gogolstoelicker · 2 years

Note

DORM LEADERS WITH A S/O WITH A PAIMON FMAOLIAR…

Dorm leaders with a s/o with a paimon familiar

Riddle:

did not have the best impression with ur floating partner

probably hated each other for a while before they finally got to an agreement

idk how that happens but maybe they talked abt it over sweets

now riddle got along with ur companion too🤗‼️

doesn't mean he doesn't get annoyed here and there tho

turns bright red whenever ur familiar would tease you two on your dates

this is riddle ignore the text(HELP ME I CANT STOP LAUGHING BC I SEE SOME RESEMBLANCE)

Leona:

bribed said companion with food so she'll shut up

esp when he's trying to nap with u

sometimes he'll just throw his wallet at her and grabs u to cuddle or smth

cue said companion yelling at leona

but then quickly fly to the cafeteria to grab some food after she realized leona isn't listening

well at least he can now have some few minutes of quiet time with u before ur partner comes back‼️

Azul:

on the verge of breakdown whenever ur companion sass him or smth

he gets it ok😔he knows he's a bad octopus that tried to make a bunch of students work for him and tried to steal their unique magic but listen😔

he is a new man. he will never do that again. /lies

definitely tries to bribe ur companion with special dishes from the lounge

ur companion gets free food, he gets u, fair trade right?

Kalim:

out of everyone, probably got along best with ur companion🤔

or maybe its just my favoritism speaking

but listen, kalim is rich enough to just get any food ur companion demands

plus he have the sass to keep up🤔well actually, he would just accidentally roast ur companion without realizing it

more than happy to let ur companion join in on ur dates

but sometimes tho, he'll grab u to ditch ur partner and jamil and go somewhere just the two of you

Vil:

may or may not have a sass battle with ur companion too

vil is really passive aggressive so uh🧍🏻‍♂️

u might wanna stop them sometimes before they actually hurt each others feelings or got involved in a physical fight

HELPOPP VIL FIGHTING A FLOATIMG THING IS SO FUNNY FOR ME

like imagine throwing hands at a tiny sass machine that floats around

ehem anyways

well they tried to get along for ur sake at least so give them a small pat on the back for trying

after all those dramas, they just engage in a small sass battle here and there so it's all good‼️

Idia:

he have ortho to keep ur partner away whenever he wants some alone time with u which is almost always

he have lots of snacks in his room so maybe he'll just toss it at her

just bc thats ur companion, doesn't mean shes safe from his sharp tongue

might even start a sass battle between the two of them while u just... watch with ortho

Malleus:

in a way, he quite likes ur partner

its not everyday u see someone walk around with a glutton monster cat and a glutton floating companion with their two idiots following at the back

one of the reason hes super interested in ur dorm and u🤔

gets along with ur partner too overtime so its ok u dont have to worry abt having to break a fight or ice💪

well malleus can just teleport so if ur companion is wary of him in the beginning of ur relationship...

he'll just apologize before taking ur hand and just poof💨💨

#twst #twst wonderland #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #riddle rosehearts #leona kingscholar #azul ashengrotto #kalim al asim #vil shoenheit #idia shroud #malleus draconia

581 notes · View notes

swtki · 3 years

Text

Dancing Days - Edward Cullen x Reader Smut

Anonymous said: 19&24 on edward smut? love ur writing!

A/N: Thank you so much :) also I’m so happy everyone is h*rny for Eddy. I decided I want to explore more period times with Edward, changing his persona in a certain decade, but still ultimately being in the same universe as cannon. This will play into the readers character a tad bit.

WARNINGS: 18+ CONTENT, SWEARING, S*X, VAMPIRES, ORAL SEX (MALE RECIEVING), VIRGIN! EDWARD, NON VIRGIN READER, GENDER NEUTURAL READER, MENTIONS OF WAR AND DEATH.

19: “Fuck me like you want people to know”.

24. “Thing is, I’m a virgin”.

_______________________________________

I brushed my hair into its usual part, making sure I looked flawless. The year was 1976, I was a senior in Highschool. It was a wonderful time to be a teenager, no longer afraid that my friends would die in Vietnam. Even in my dinky little Washington town, the culture was becoming our own.

The Led Zeppelin record playing on my record player stopped suddenly, alerting me that I was no longer alone in my room. I turned, my expression soft as I saw my boyfriend, Edward.

“Whats up with you and this album? Everytime I come in, its always House of Th Holy on repeat.” I rolled my eyes, lifted the record in question off of the tray, and put it back snuggly in its case.

“I can’t help it, Ed. Robert just speaks to me. I’m sure you’re like that with Louis Armstrong.” I waved my hand, walking back to my mirror to finish getting ready.

“Maybe, but the music you listen to it’s...” Edward paused for a moment, sitting on my bed. “It’s suggestive, Y/N.” I turned to him, my eyebrow raised.

“Suggestive? What’s that supposed to mean?” I placed my hands on my hips, and waited for him to explain.

“Well, for one that one song says ‘Sipping booze’, I quite think that is blatant alcohol reference.” I looked at him, dumbfounded. Then, I started to laugh, and I walked over to him. Instinctually, he pushed his head into my chest, enjoying the comfort it brought him.

“I love you, but god are we from two different Mars.” He chuckled, sending a rumble through my chest.

At school, I was an average kid. Fair grades, many friends, many ex friends. When Edward was paired up with me in math, I got through his cold, stone skin. At first, he was annoyed when I would fuck off, leaving him to do the work himself. Understandable, and once I realized how rude I was, I stopped. I talked to him, prodded him truthfully. I would ask him once we started dating if he had noticed me previously, because I had never noticed him.

“Yes, I noticed that you were the only one who didn’t acknowledge me. Ironic I guess.”

A year into our relationship, I would never let him go unnoticed. We walked the halls, hand in hand. Our outlooks were so different when it came to life. He was modest, I was free spirited. Edward was different from my boyfriends previously, I didn’t want to fuck things up, and I refused to even risk it.

School went slowly that day, possibly because my head was focused on what I would ask Edward, my boyfriend of one year, about sex. About us and sex.

I hadn’t told him that I wasn’t a virgin, I was worried he would only want a virgin girl, after all they can never look at you disappointed and say “I’ve had better.” A definite plus. Many a nights I tried to imagine him, moaning completely under my control. I wanted him, but I didn’t know if he wanted me. Surely in 50 years he had found a good fuck. I worried that he would be into someone else, forever tied to a vampiress.

The end of the school day couldn’t have come sooner, my anxiety rising as I got into Edwards car, starting a long silent car ride. I tried to keep my mind off of it, an attempt to avoid the conversation until we were at my house. I kept my mind busy with the lush scenery outside of the passenger side window.

“So... I know you want to ask me, and I know the answers to what I would ask you.” He said blatantly, putting the car in park outside my front lawn.

“I don’t wanna talk out here Ed, lets go inside.” I swung my bag onto my shoulder. Thats the thing with Edward, I never have to say anything, just as long as I think it.

My house was empty, making it easy for Edward to follow me upstairs to my room. I shut my door behind us, then turned to him. Unsure of what to say, I breathed in deeply.

“How long have you known that I wasn’t...you know?” He smiled, sitting on my plush navy sheets.

“Y/N, I knew before I met you what I was getting into. Your ex had a lot of thoughts about that one night where you guys-”

“Oh my god okay ew.” A blush rose upon my face, and I saw Edward laugh as he watched my body fill with embarassment. “Well why didn’t you say something?” I asked.

“I figured if it needed to be brought up, it would be. You and I aren’t exactly a physical couple so I didn’t worry too much.” I walked over to my bed, taking a seat next to him.

“I see...I mean it wouldn’t be a big deal for me so if you want to...” I bit my lip at him, his gaze turned to the other direction.

“Thing is, I’m a virgin.” My expression went from a seductive look, to a puzzled one. I wondered if I had heard him correctly. “I’m old school, Y/N. It wasn’t like how it is now when I was human. People didn’t just have sex in highschool, unless they were married because the man was off to war. So, it hasn’t been on the menu for me. You’re the first girl I’ve dated in fifty years, you know. And no, there was no vampiress or anything.” I smiled.

“Well, I don’t wanna scare you or push it or anything. It’s just you know-”

“You want to touch me, to be touched by me.” his eyes trailed back to mine, looking deep into my soul.

“Yes, I want you, Edward.” I pressed my lips to his, pulling away jut as it got intense. I could feel his disappointment. “I want to...but I can’t let you down. Tomorrow night. I’ll call you and we can talk about everything we want out of it, I’ll give you a fucking fairytale, my love” I chuckled.

I called him that night as I had said I would. We talked about my first time, and everything I liked, followed by what he had seen on video, what he wanted to try, and his fears.

“I don’t want to kill you, darling.” He said.

“Then don’t. I won’t let you.” He laughed at me, enjoying my lack of seriousness.

The next night rolled along with a quick pace. I looked at the clock and saw that it was time for me to start getting ready.

I made myself look simple, a small bit of makeup and hair product, but otherwise just a tank top and jeans. Sometimes, dating an old fashioned guy was a pain in the ass. Always complaining about suggestive behavior. But other times, my shoulders counted as being half nude.

“You look stunning, as per usual.” Edward said, stepping into my room. He was tense and barely moved. “I don’t know what to do..what usually happens with it if I’m not the one doing everything.”

If he had any blood flow, he would have been blushing right about then.

“We don’t have to do anything you know. We can just lay down and watch a movie if you want to, I just want to make you happy, Edward.” I walked over to him and put a strand of his messy auburn hair behind his ear. Without hesitation, he pressed his forehead to mine.

“I want to, thats the part that’s been eating me away ever since I met you. I want to make you feel good, I just don’t know if I’ll lose it and-“ I cut him off with a kiss.

“Even if you break my pelvis into pieces, I’ll still be happy. I’m always happy when I’m with you.” we both smiled, and suddenly the thick tension that once filled the room vanished. “I’ll take care of you tonight, just as long as you’re doing it for you. I just need to know you’re doing this for you, and you need to be sure you wont roll over afterwards and hate me.” I said, my hand clasped in his marble one.

“I want you, Y/N. I have no doubts that I’ll want you afterwards, too.”

I pushed his head down, level to my own. Our kiss was deep, filled with a years worth of hunger. My hands tugged on his hair, making him whimper. Suddenly, I felt my feet lift off the ground as Edward carried me to my bed. With a soft thump, the plush sheets surrounded my body. It was a contrast of warmth on my back, and Edwards cool body on my top.

His hands were balled into fists, clutching my duvet as if his life depended on it. I pulled away, panting for air.

“Sorry, I forget you need air.” He smirked. I rolled my eyes in response.

“Well, its a shame you don’t. Because I intend on taking your breath away.” we both made small laughs at my remark.

“What now?” He looked at me for guidance.

“Get on your back.” I said.

We switched positions, he was now on the bottom. My legs straddled his torso, I sight he visably enjoyed. I slithered my hands up to his head, cupping his face as I kissed him again. My left hand left its post, reaching down to the buttons on his shirt.

I paused, looking up at him once I got to the last button.

“Does it...work like normal or...” He threw his head back and laughed.

“It doesn’t have spikes, I can assure you its just like a humans. But Emmet did tell me to pull out so...I’m kind of worried about the implications of that but-“ I leaned down to shut him up with a kiss.

His hands were still at his side, resting on the bed. I picked up his wrists, and placed them on the side of my thighs. He squeezed them lightly.

My hands roamed over his bare chest, cool to the touch. I lached my lips onto his neck, causing his back to arch below me. I could feel his excitement beneath me, it gave me a big self esteem boost. His hand reached along my waist, tugging at my shirt. His eyes lit up at the sight of my bare chest. He reached for me but I pulled away to slide down onto my knees.

He looked confused, like I had left him high and dry.

“Sit on the edge.” I said softly, my knees burning slightly due to the rough carpet underneath them.

He rid himself of the unbottoned shirt, slidding over to me once finished. My hands slowly stroked his thighs, he was desperate for some type of touch.

I smiled, tugging on his belt until it came undone. He stayed silent, looking at me like I was the only thing in the world. I unbottoned the trousers, tugging on them. He kicked them off and was left in his breifs.

“Is it okay if I..” I looked up at him and he nodded frantically. I palmed him over his underwear, feeling how hard he had gotten from kissing. My fingers latched onto the waist band, pulling them down to reveal a pale yet pink cock. It wasn’t too big, but deffinitley satisfactory. I ran my finger over the tip, earning a small groan from the vampire. My eyes trailed up to him, so I could see him when I took him in my mouth.

He let out a breathy moan, eyes focused on my mouth. His lips were parted ever so slightly. I bobbed my head, and grotesquely sexual sounds arose from my throat. I felt Edward move a strant of hair out of my face, he looked at me like I was a god.

“Fuck..Y/N if you keep doing that there wont be anything for you, dear” He said in a breathy moan. I pulled back, my mouth feeling sore and tired. “Do you still want to?” He asked, grasping his hands on my waist.

“Yes, I fucking need you.” I threw off my jeans, I would worry about finding them later, I needed him. He layed back down, propping his head up on my pillows. Our lips collided in another kiss as I leveled myself with him.

“Are you sure?” I ask him, stroking his hard member.

“I’m sure.” He pecked my lips again as I got ontop of his lean figure. I spat in my hand, lubing up my needy hole.

“How do you want me to do this? I mean like slow? What do-“ He said with genuine worry.

“Fuck me like you want people to know” I whispered, “ Fuck me like you want the entire neighborhood to know that I’m yours and yours only.”

“I can make that happen, love.” He flipped me over, now being back to where we first started. He lined up his cock with my hole, running it around the tight area. I put my fingers in his hair, making a slight tug as he pushed into my body.

Pleasure filled my body as he filled me up, his cock stretched my insides in the right ways. Without pausing, he started to push his hips into mine, making sure not to hurt me.

He reached down to suck on my neck, adding to the pornagraphic moans in the room. My hands travled to his back, scratching my nails down the cold stone like skin. His moans echoed in my ear.

“Y/N, I can’t be on top I’m going to crush you” I laughed at him, tapping his side so he fell onto the bed. I swung my legs over him, sitting on his perfect cock.

“Perfect, fucking amazing.” He said as I steady myself onto him. His face was in a euphoric expression, the most relaxed I had ever seen him.

I began to rock my hips, sliding him in and out of me. His hands grabbed onto my hips, guiding me. Everything was a euphoric experience. My gut filled with that wonderful sensation.

“Edward I’m gonna cum, oh my god” I moaned out, picking up my pace.

Suddenly, the world went still. My eyes went black and I saw stars as my orgasm washed over me. My moans echoed in the room as my body twitched. A few thrusts up into my body and Edward pulled out of me, rubbing his cum out onto his hand.

I layed there panting while he sped to the bathroom, and came back with a clean cloth, wiping down my body. He put the cloth down, pulling up his underwear and handing me mine. I slipped the fabric on, slipping under the covers.

“Get in here, I wanna kiss you”

He laughed, obeying and slipping beside me. Our lips reunited in a soft clash.

“I love you so much, dear.”

#edward cullen #edward cullen x reader smut #edward cullen x reader #edward cullen smut #robert pattinson smut #robert pattinson #twilight shitpost #twilight headcanon #headcannons twilight #twilight fanfic #jasper hale x reader #jasper hale fanfic #carslile cullen #esme cullen

1K notes · View notes

brelione · 4 years

Text

Not as Terrible (Rafe Cameron X Routledge!Reader)

Warnings:Not proof read, swearing

Being John.B’s older sister was definitely and adventure.You were only older by a year but that one year age gap did a lot for you.Whether it was arguments or discussions on who would do a dangerous task you could always pull the older sibling card.

Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didnt but it was always worth a shot.But then again being the older sibling and John.B’s only family meant that you had other responsibilities,including messing up anyone that messed with him.

Rafe kissed you gently, a grin on his face. “I love you.”He grinned,hands in your hoodie pocket. “I know.I gotta go soon,JB’s gonna get made at me.”His face fell,pouting. “He shouldnt be your responsibility.”He grumbled,holding you tight.

You simply shrugged, not wanting to go through your life story and how it was now your job to take care of him.He could never understand the situation, he didnt really give a damn about Sarah.He also had a father, a shitty one for sure but he still had a father at least.He couldnt understand being a pogue either.

You guys were completely different in pretty much every way imaginable but ‘opposites attract’ or whatever bullshit. “I know….I’ll see you tomorrow though, right?”You asked,sitting up.He nodded,pulling you into another quick kiss before kissing your forehead lightly.

“Dont forget to hate me.”You reminded him,opening his window and sliding down the fire escape,feeling his eyes on you as you hopped the fence.He sighed, becoming tired of the little game you guys had to play.

Because Rafe was the direct enemy of your brother and his friends that meant that you were supposed to avoid him entirely.It was just the rules of life.But that being said if you ever came across one of your brothers enemies you had to mess with them.

That included messing with Rafe,randomly showing up and flicking the back of his head,disappearing before he knew it was you.It started as you being an annoying presence to ruin his day,spitting gum onto his windshield or placing fake tickets on his car.

But slowly you started falling in love with him because of course you did.It was fucked up but you couldnt stop it, him eventually falling for you too.Thats when this little game began, sneaking out of your house and over to Rafe’s to cuddle and watch movies together,coming home late at night when John.B and his friends were having a fire.

JJ would pull you onto his lap, asking where you had been.He had a thing for you, claiming that it would be fine if the two of you guys got together because you were only eight months older than him so it wasnt that strange.

The age gap itself wasnt strange, it was the fact that he was your brother’s best friend for the last eight years that made things strange.You were fine with sitting in his lap while he whispered jokes into your ear in attempts to get you to laugh.

Of course it felt a little wrong because you were dating Rafe but you couldnt exactly tell him that without John.B finding out too, instead just letting JJ mess around with you because you knew nothing was going to come from it.

The next day you were decided to go with them to the beach, regretting it when you saw Rafe with Topper and Kelce, sitting in beach chairs with beer bottles in their hands.You saw JJ’s jaw clench, John.B rolling his eyes.

“Why are they here?This isnt fair.”You brother grumbled, Pope nodding in agreement.The five of you decided to sit in the sand for a while,JJ’s hand on your knee almost like he was trying to protect you from Rafe’s eyes.If only he knew.Rafe kept looking over to you, a blush on his cheeks as he did so.

Eventually they left, leaving you and your brothers friends alone on the beach. “You know, I think im just gonna head back home.I have a headache.”You told them, making your way up the sandy hills before they could question it.As you began your walk down one of the dirt streets to get back to the house a bike pulled up next to you, your boyfriend being the one riding it.

“Hey pretty girl.”You could practically hear the smile through his helmet.You sighed, stopping your walk to stare at him as he took off his helmet,leaning down to give you a quick kiss. “You coming to my house tonight?”He asked, twisting the fabric of your tshirt.

You shrugged, not sure what your brother was going to be doing. “I dont know if I can, John.B and the others might want me to go get groceries with them or something.”You replied,feeling his grip on you tighten,humming. “I havent messed with them in a while.”He muttered, glad when you smiled.

“Thats good, I would have beat your ass if you did.”You teased with a roll of your eyes. He chuckled,kissing your forehead. “I would've liked it though.”He admitted.You laughed,smacking his arm lightly. “Shut up.”You grumbled, unaware of JJ watching you guys.

“Is he bothering you?”JJ asked, coming out from his hiding spot in the trees.Your eyes widened, your stomach tightening.Shit. “Uh...no, everythings fine, JJ.Just go back to the beach.”You told him,hoping you didnt sound too suspicious.His blue eyes fell to your hand, the one that was holding Rafe’s.Fuck.

“Is something going on that I should know about?”He asked,glaring at Rafe like he was trying to make his head blow up. “No, just go back to the beach.”You told him, a sort of assertive tone to your voice that was reserved for John.B when he wanted to do something dangerous.JJ’s eyebrows furrowed, not used to you speaking to him like this.

He nodded,walking away, sending you a look of disappointment before disappearing into the trees, most likely about to tell John.B what he had just seen.Rafe noticed how uneasy you were,hugging you. “Hey, dont stress about it.He’s got nothing on you, whats he gonna do?Complain that we were having a conversation?”He asked, not really helping.

“So I just saw (Y/N) talking to Rafe.”JJ grabbed a beer from the cooler, all eyes falling on him. “Cameron?”John.B asked, not really believing that you’d ever talk to such a vile human being.JJ nodded,sipping the alcoholic drink.

“They were all over eachother, it was weird.”He grumbled, a slight jealousy in his voice.Kiara raised her eyebrows, a little mad about the situation. “What do you mean they were all over eachother?”She asked, looking over to Pope.

“I mean they were holding hands and shit,giggling and he was like,I dont know.Its weird.”He tried his best to explain,realising it didnt sound as serious as it was. “(Y/N) doesnt giggle...she just...she just stares at people.Are you sure it was Rafe?”Pope asked.This was out of character for you.You had joined their conversations before, all of you talking shit about the Cameron family.

You had called Rafe a “Cruel, disgusting bitch.” it didnt make sense that you’d willingly talk to him.Meanwhile you were on the back of Rafe’s bike,arms wrapped around him tight as he pulled into his driveway, trying to figure out the best way to sneak you inside.

You ended up being hidden by him as you guys shuffled up the stairs, nearly getting caught by Ward.Luckily he was too busy on a call, not paying attention at all as Rafe pushed you inside his room, locking the door with a sigh. “What do you wanna watch?”He asked,falling on the bed next to you, grabbing the tv remote.

You shrugged,wrapping an arm around him with your head against his chest. “Doesnt matter.”You replied, watching as he picked a random horror movie,knowing that hed probably end up squealing and holding onto you.Your phone dinged, vibrating against your thigh.

You sighed,picking it up to check what someone could want or why they were trying to talk to you.It was a text from Kie, asking why the hell you were at Rafe Cameron’s house.There was no way in hell she actually knew that, she was probably just guessing.You sat up,taking Rafe with you, his chin on your shoulder and a frown on his face.

You:????

Kie:Your snap map is on.What are you doing with Rafe?

You:Im not with Rafe

Kie:Seriously like are you ok

You:Im fine lol

Kie:But why are you with Rafe?

You sighed,turning to look at the kook king. “What should I tell her?”You asked, unsure what to do.If you told her that you in Rafe were dating then she would obviously tell John.B and that meant that you would be in deep shit and would never hear the end of it.He sighed,kissing your shoulder lightly.

“I dunno, baby.Tell her whatever you feel comfortable telling her.”That wasnt really helpful.You couldnt exactly lie to her.There was no other reason that you’d be at the Cameron’s mansion if it werent for Rafe.You hated Sarah because Kiara hated Sarah so you couldnt exactly use that excuse either.You were anxious the whole time you typed, praying that she wouldnt tell the others.

You:Can you keep a secret?

Kie:Yeah

You:What would you do if I told you I was dating Rafe?

Kie:You dumb idiot

Kie:Rafe??Really?Out of all people?

Kie:Hoe you could do better

Kie:So like youre cool with him hitting JJ and Pope?

Kie:Shit you need to tell JJ

You sighed,biting the inside of your cheek. “Why do you need to tell JJ?”Rafe asked,curious.You groaned,leaning against him. “He’s got a thing for me.”You explained, hoping you hadnt made him feel insecure.

You:He’s nice to me,ok?Plus he hasnt beat anyone in months and im happy and I just need you to not say anything

You waited for an answer, only seeing a ‘read’ receipt. “Shit.”You sighed, realizing that you had probably made the wrong decision by telling her about your relationship. “What?”He asked, not understanding exactly what had happened.

“Watch her tell everyone.”You tossed your phone down onto the blanket, laying on top of your boyfriend. “It wouldnt be so bad,would it?”He asked, knowing that you were probably embarrassed to be with him. “I just...you know how they feel about you.”you reminded him, hearing him sigh.

“I know.”He replied as he rubbed small circles along your stomach. “Im trying to change though.”He muttered, pressing a kiss to your neck.You nodded, understanding. “I know you are but they dont.”You grumbled,your leg resting at his hip as he continued leaving kisses down your neck.

You didnt leave until four in the morning, staying up with him the whole night.Ward and Rose had gone out on a date, leaving the two of you with his house to yourselves.You sat on the kitchen counter,your legs around his waist as you shared a pint of icecream.

“This is the expensive kind.”You noticed,coming across brownie chunks and bits of chocolate truffle.He smiled, nodding. “Yep, its just kook life I guess.”He replied, not really caring. “This shit is like...ten dollars a pint.”He only laughed, not understanding how you hadnt grown up with the same things he had.

He just couldnt wrap his head around the fact that not everyone was like him.You couldnt exactly blame him, he had been isolated most of his childhood and if he wasnt by himself he was surrounded by kooks.

“You can go to the grocery store with me next week if you want.We can get all the expensive icecream you want...maybe we can get some for John.B too, you know, to win him over.”He explained his idea.You shrugged, not sure how to feel.

“You dont even do your own grocery shopping, remember?”You asked, seeing him roll his eyes. “I’ll go grocery shopping for you, baby.We can get cookie dough and mix it into brownie batter.”He continued,scooping another spoonful of icecream.You bit the inside of your cheek, thinking about it.It sounded fun but most grocery stores wouldnt be open at the times you were with Rafe.

“I gotta go, i’ll see you tomorrow though.”You promised,kissing him quickly.He backed away to let you slide off the counter, putting your phone in your pocket. He tugged at your t shirt, bringing you close to him so he could place a kiss on your lips, enjoying the feeling that he knew he wouldnt feel for a day at least.

He knew that the second you left his happiness would leave with you, making his mood a bit dull as he hugged you.“Do you want icecream to go?”He offered.You were quick to shake your head, leaving quick so you could get home.He pouted, wishing you two could be together more often.

You tip toed into the house,turning on your bedroom light only to see The Pogues all sitting in there, staring at the door. “Rafe Cameron?”John.B asked, sitting up on your bed.You sighed, sitting down.

“Really,Kie?”You asked, looking over to the brunette. “JJ took my phone!”She exclaimed, making your eyes travel to JJ. “Are you serious?”You asked the blonde, noticing him pouting.

“I thought he should know.”He muttered.Pope just seemed mad. “How long has this been going on?”Your brother asked, glaring at you. “Im not doing this right now.”You shook your head, going to leave the room when he grabbed your wrist.

“(Y/N).What would dad think?”He asked.You scoffed, unable to believe that he went there. “Dad would want me to be happy, unlike you.He hasnt bothered you guys in months!Cant you see that he’s changed?”You asked,all of them avoiding eye contact.

“No!People like Rafe Cameron cant change, (Y/N)!Do you think he actually likes you?”John.B asked, regretting it the second it left his lips. “Oh, fuck you!”You exclaimed, leaving the room and slamming the door behind you.

“What the hell, John.B?”Kiara shouted, angry with her friend. “I didnt mean it like that!Lets give her a minute to cool off.”John.B grumbled, feeling JJ and Pope glaring at him.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”Pope asked, just as angry as JJ.John.B just sat, listening to their cursing and anger. “I didnt mean it!”John.B shouted eventually, tired of their yelling.JJ shook his head, going to find you.

You werent in the bathroom or living room, leading him to think that maybe you had left until he looked out the kitchen window.He saw you in the hammock, leaving the house with a slam of the screen door and going to lay down next to you.

“What do you want?”You asked, not looking at the blonde. “Does he really make you happy?”JJ asked,waiting patiently for your answer.You nodded, turning to look at him. “Very much, yeah.”You answered,seeing a grin on his face.

“So then why does it matter what we think?I mean, im definitely the better choice here but if he makes you happy then go for it.”He chuckled, looking over to the house. “John.B is mad.��You muttered, wrapping your arms around JJ’s torso as the sun began to come up.

“He’s always mad, doesnt matter.If he can hook up with girls all the time I dont see why you cant have a healthy, loving relationship.It seems dumb to me.”He shrugged.You laughed quietly, not understanding when JJ became a life coach.

“Yeah, I agree.I just dont want him to be mad at me, you know?Its not like if he’s mad at you, you can just leave the house but I cant.Im stuck with that bitch all the time.”You ranted, earning a small laugh from him.

“Yeah, true.I think you should just live your life how you want to live it.If you want to be with Rafe then be with Rafe.Personally im not a fan of him but that doesnt mean I can just control your relationships.I mean, youre right.He hasnt really bothered us in months and I havent seen him around The Cut looking for trouble so maybe he has changed.As long as its healthy and everything is consensual.Everything is consensual,right?”He asked, looking down at you.

You hadnt really seen this side of JJ before, usually only seeing his flirty and joking side. “Of course.”You replied, flicking his stomach. “Right, so thats good.If John.B’s mad then that sucks but there’s nothing you can do about it.”He sighed, staring up at the sky through the tree branches.

“Are you mad?”You asked, curious for his answer.He bit his lip, thinking about it. “No, not really.I just cant believe you like him of all people.”He chuckled, feeling you flick his head. “I didnt like him at first, it kinda just happened.”You replied.JJ nodded, not saying anything else.

You fell asleep in the hammock next to JJ,waking up at noon.There was a note on the kitchen table saying that they had all decided to go out on the boat for the day and that there was pepsi and yogurt in the fridge.You could tell by the handwriting that Pope had written it, everyone else had probably forgot about you.

At eight the next night things werent as tense as they had been before.John.B had even driven you to Rafe’s house, ranting about safe sex and telling you to give Rafe a slice of ‘humble pie’.You rolled your eyes,getting out of the van and telling him to fuck off before walking up to Rafe’s front door, knocking lightly.

He told you that you didnt have to climb through his window anymore.Since you had to tell the pogues about your relationship he had decided to tell his family about it as well which meant he didnt have to hide you anymore.

John.B watched from the van as Rafe embraced you in a hug, smile on his face as he kissed your forehead.He had never seen Rafe look like that, the only smile he’d ever seen on Rafe Cameron was the kind that belonged to an angry sociopath.

But now he kind of just looked like a squishy, smiling gremlin.You and Rafe stood in the doorway for a moment, talking about how things had gone with John.B.Rafe had noticed the van sitll in the driveway, sending a quick and awkward brave towards your brother.A grin came across John.B’s face as he backed out of the driveway.Maybe you dating the Kook King wasnt as terrible as he thought.

@sexytholland @28cnn @popcrone818 @fttayla @cherryobx @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @drewstarkeyobx @poguestyleskye @judayyyw @jjtheangel @jj-iz-bae

@sunwardsss @meaganjm @sarcasticsagittarius1998 @natalie-kate-98 @nxsmss @broken-jj @joshy-obx @prejudic3 @outerbongs @copper-boom @httpstarkey @teenwaywardasgardian @drewswannabegirl @simonsbluee @jiaraendgame @khiaraaa-in-spacee @on-socks-off @abbiesthings @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless

#rafe cameron #rafe obx #rafe x reader #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron x you #rafe fanfiction #rafe smut #rafe fluff #rafe fic #drew starkey #outerbanks #outer banks netflix

218 notes · View notes

i-prefer-the-term-antihero · 3 years

Text

So this is going to be a long, overemotional/melodramatic post... but I need to get my feelings out somehow.

I've only watched ep1 so far, but I really love the look of, and am really excited for, the new Loki show.

When I first saw that some Marvel shows were coming to Disney+...okay, yes, I was definitely excited about Wandavision and Loki, because those are three of my favorite marvel characters. But at the same time, things did feel a bit like a marketing ploy. Of course Disney would make a bunch of marvel shows on their new platform--thats what'll sell. Of course they'll pick Loki, because he's really popular and that'll sell more. I wasn't even sure I'd watch Falcon and Winter Soldier. It didn't feel like I could genuinely be excited about the shows, thinking this. And, don't get me wrong, this problem is still there, no doubt about that.

But I've definitely enjoyed Wandavision and Falcon and Winter Soldier, especially the former. I thought they were solid shows.

So even though I LOVE Loki as a character...I came to the trailers with this sort of bias in mind.

Now, let me be clear, I don't just love Loki.

He was probably the first character I ever became truly obsessed with. I'm pretty sure he was the first villain character I liked, and kind of awakened my love for redeemable villains (which, if you couldn't tell by my url, stays strong today). He's a character I've loved since Thor came out in 2010. He's been in my life for ten years, and in a way shaped who I am.

I enjoy marvel overall, but pretty casually. I definitely keep up with all the movies, but I don't totally obsess over all of them. However, I still remember just how unfathomably excited I was when Dark World came out. How unbelievably happy I was to see Loki again. How I savored every joke he made, every tender moment with him, and just how happy I walked out of that theater. When I watched Ragnarok, I was older, so I wasn't quite so giddy, but that kid inside me is still there, and still jumped and grinned every time I saw him come on screen.

Needless to say, he holds an extremely special place in my heart. Even though I have characters now that I potentially like more, he's sort of been my "favorite character" for ten years, and I will always adore him.

I'm sure its been said by plenty of Loki Stans but...I absolutely hated how Infinity War went.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad because he died. Okay, of course I'm mad he died. But I can deal with character death. In fact, I sometimes prefer a character getting a dramatic and fulfilling death to them getting a happy ending. (And there are things I liked about his death--like, I really adored his dialogue, that he was dying for a good cause.)

But what I hated the most was that it felt like the creators didn't know his character. Loki is the god of mischief. He would never EVER launch a straight attack on a villain, no illusions, no back up plan. I'm sorry, but that's just not him at all. (Sure his plans in Avengers were more scattered and went horribly...but, firstly, he was being mind controlled so he wasn't all there, and secondly, if I remember correctly, there was still a level of mischief in his plans. He didn't generally do things straightforward. That's part of what made it fun to watch.).

(Loki wasn't the only character I felt they did this with in IW. I hated that they just had Cap live his life through time with Peggy. Not that I hate that idea itself, it's cute of course. But Cap is so incredibly selfless. He would never just do something so selfish like that...It wasn't him).

In addition to that, I felt like I saw the puppet strings so clearly in that scene. That movie was all about shock value. I don't think a movie--at least one in a franchise like marvel--should ever be made purely for shock value. It should be about what's right for the characters and the overall storyline. If there's some shock there, great. But give the audience an actually fulfilling story. Don't make your entire plan to shock and horrify the world that loves these characters/this franchise. In that scene, it truly felt like they were "Oh hey Loki's like the most beloved character, right? Lol, let's break his neck within the first five minutes to show we mean business. They'll hate that."

I'm a writer, I know the merit in going "okay, hey, we're going big here, we need to set up our villain early, and set up how this movie overall is going to go with the first scene." I know why they felt the need to kill off a character in the first five minutes.

And hell yeah I'm largely just mad because it was my fave, of course I am.

But it didn't feel like they were going "Okay does this make sense for Loki's character? Is this a good way to have him go out? Will this satisfy our audience who loves him?"

It felt like they were going "Okay let's pick the most beloved character so it'll shock, annoy, and hurt people the most."

And I'm not okay with that.

I'm just some shmuck, there's nothing I can do about that. But I'm not okay with that. I was so not okay with that, that I've pretty much hated marvel for all the years preceding Infinity War, and have not been fully excited about anything marvel related since then. I have barely interacted with Loki content since then it affected me so much.

I know it's melodramatic, but It felt like they were killing my childhood. That little piece of me that got excited every time he came on screen. That piece of me, that had been so excited to see him be on the side of the villains in infinity war, because it just meant I got to see him. It truly felt like a small part of me died when I watched him die.

So when the Loki trailers came out? In a weird way ....I couldn't even be excited.

They were bringing him back, potentially erasing the problem I have with Infinity War. And yet...I couldn't be excited.

First off, when I saw what happened with him in Endgame (it made me extremely happy and hopeful, let me tell you, but it obviously didn't fix everything) I was kind of under the impression he'd just be causing mischief throughout space and time for the show, and I was absolutely here for it.

So when I saw the trailers were him getting caught immediately, and then recruited for the side of the good guys...I was like "okay so...the same plot as other Marvel movies? The plot of Ragnarok again? He gets stranded on an alien planet, and has to work for the leaders. There's lots of fighting, like there is in every other marvel movie, which is the part I least care about." When I saw the trailers I didn't get to see Loki being himself at all. I saw other people controlling him, and then him working for the good guys. That's not Loki. Loki is mischief. Loki works for himself. Loki fights, yeah, but his character actually has depth and emotion to it, he's not just for brainless fighting. (And whoo boy let me tell you I was mad when I saw the DB Cooper part of the trailer and thought they chopped his wonderful hair off when they made him a good guy, like they were totally changing his identity. And also let me tell you the SHEER RELIEF I felt when I found it was just a tiny scene, and his wonderful hair will remain (please God let it remain)).

So here I was thinking "great, its infinity war all over again. I'm gonna have a whole show of them not knowing and staying true to his character."

Even though that little kid inside of me was still there. Even though that little kid was going "Dude! Dude! It's Loki! An entire show about Loki! You won't have to wait for him to show up on screen, he'll just always be on screen! He'll be the protagonist! Do you realize how much I would have loved this if I got to see it years earlier?" I was so tired, and so mad.

But now I've watched the first episode.

And for the first time since infinity war...I felt like I could breathe again.

Here I thought they'd forgotten his character. They forgot that he's the god of mischief, that he's funny, that he's, well (to use the words of Thomas Sharpe)...absurdly sentimental.

And they didn't at all.

From minute one he's himself, wanting to rule the world, cracking jokes, refusing to be controlled, causing mischief when and where he can. They actually showed the progression of why he'd be willing to work for them really well.

And gosh I loved that scene where he sees what his life would be like. From the moment Mobius started showing him scenes from his life, I was desperately hoping he'd be left alone with the device and get to see more of his life, and desperately hoped he'd see and react to his death.

And they did not disappoint.

They remembered. They remembered that he's ambitious, that he's not controlled, they remembered that he's funny and mischievous, and that he's a special marvel character, that you can actually get deep and emotional with. They remembered all of it.

Watching Loki watch his own death was like taking all those years of anger, and for one brief moment melting them away. I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. Wasn't alone in going "hey that's not Loki." Loki himself was watching it, and could judge that for himself. And most importantly, it was confirming before my eyes that it was no longer was his end.

And him being the villain and the hero? I cannot explain to you how much I love that idea. How much and how well that keeps in line with his character. A great premise and protagonist can make for a poor story if it has a poor villain, and, to be fair I haven't seen how it goes, but that seems like the perfect--and perhaps only--villain who could make this show absolutely stellar. I'd love to see them explore that Avengers-level villainousness, with him also being a hero like we see at the end of Ragnarok. It'd be fun to see his two sides trying to convince each other to join them. It would truly feel like they understand all aspects of his character.

I'm older now, so I don't get nearly as excited about things as I used to. I wish I did. I almost wish this came out when I was younger so I could be more excited. But that kid is still inside of me, and I'm so excited to see him on screen all the time.

Now...I don't really care so much if it's all about the money.

It's a whole show about Loki. I don't have to wait for him to come on screen, he's just there.

This feel like more of a relief than I can possibly express.

(@mylokabrennauniverse @annievvv7 I’d be curious to hear your thoughts/if you’ve felt similarly!!)

#loki #loki tv series #loki tv series spoilers #loki tv #loki series #loki laufeyson #marvel #mcu #marvel loki #loki mcu #loki show #marvel mcu #loki marvel #mcu loki #thor #thor the dark world #thor ragnarok #infinity war

12 notes · View notes

sunshinesweetling · 3 years

Text

Another daily dose of casual conversations between me and Emily @emiijemii

Emily- Y/n

Me- The Darkling

Y/n: Hello world I’m your wild girl-

*The Darkling raises an eyebrow in annoyance*

Y/n: -I’m your ch-ch-ch-ch-cherrybomb

(She slightly shimmies her shoulders with the “ch-ch-ch-“)

Darkling: Y/N sit down and be quiet before I feed you to the Volcra on our next trip across the fold.

Y/n: 👀-

Y/n: Bet

D: Excuse me?

Y/n: At least they’ll appreciate me for the delicious snack that I am

Ivan: *chokes*

D: *smirking* If you truly want to be fed to the Volcra I’m sure I can arrange that on our next trip across the fold. I don’t really care either way.

Y/n: *shrugs* I don’t want anything, but if that’s what you’re gonna do then it is what it is

D: Are you not afraid to die?

Y/n: Have you met my generation?

D: *rolls eyes* Yes I’m training them. They’re stupid.

Y/n: No, we just really don’t care

D: At least it makes you good soldiers

Y/n: *mumbles*...great, good for you 😑

D: *smirks because he knows he won the argument* It is. Now sit down and shut up before I follow through with that plan.

Y/n: You should be careful... You have a bunch of kids with advanced abilities- and I don’t know about them, but me personally? Where I’m from, we were raised on the Hunger Games, Percy Jackson, Harry Potter- Oh, and have gone through school shootings like it’s normal, during school we live with the same amount of stress psych ward patients had about 60-70 years ago, and have dealt with a global pandemic...If you think backwards looking dragon who’s afraid of daylight is going to scare me, you’re hilarious 😁

D: *raises an eyebrow* challenge accepted

Y/n: Oh come on, like you would actually waste an entire trip to the fold just on one little person. Unlike everyone else here, you don’t scare me, Shadow Man. *turns and walks towards the doors*

D: *Shrugs* your right but I could just toss you into the dungeons until the next trip across the fold or I could cut you in two.

Y/n: *can’t help but giggle as she reaches the doors* I love how this started from me absentmindedly singing *shakes her head*

D: I prefer silence when I’m working.

Y/n: I didn’t even realize I was doing it- okay, fine- Yes Bwana, yes *bows twice* *spins around trying to get around the guards at the door*

D: Maybe I was wrong about your generation. You can’t even address me properly *rolls eyes*

Y/n: Ooo, strike one! *turns to face him placing her hands behind her back*

Y/n, adds: Keep trying. You might actually hit the ball this time. *grins*

D: What are you going on about now?

Y/n: *gives a soft chuckle* Nothing...just having a little fun *smiles, glancing at the floor for a moment* There’s your answer, by the way.

D: *rolls eyes* get out before I kill you.

Y/n: *smiles softly* Yes, Bwana. *steps between the guards trying to leave*

D: *to Ivan* I’m going to kill her one of these days I swear

Y/n, walking down the corridor: *smiles, overhearing him* You enjoy it and you know it!

*calls over her shoulder, her voice carrying through the corridor, slightly echoing*

D: Doesn’t mean I won’t kill you

Y/n: *whirls around in the middle of the corridor* So you do like me!

D: *signing a document* I don’t like anybody. Now shoo, you’re being a pest.

*Y/n stays put out in the corridor*

Y/n, in a sing-song voice: You’re lyinggg *grins, thoroughly enjoying this as her words softly echo into his study*

D: I thought I told you to go away? Ivan remove the pest

Y/n: I am removed! I’m out in the corridor *spins around once, her black kefta flowing around her* Last time I checked, the corridor was fair game.

*Y/n takes full notice of how he didn’t deny that he was lying*

D: Pest. Ivan take her to visit Baghra. Maybe the old woman can straighten her out.

Y/n: Baby. I’ve already seen her once today!

D: So go visit her again.

Y/n: No!

*steps backwards as Ivan steps out of the study and into the corridor so Y/n throws out her hands casting ice at Ivan’s feet freezing them to where he stands mid stride outside the doorway*

Y/n: You just had to kill the moment didn't you

D: I gave you an order. Now follow it.

Y/n: Alright...but if I leave, how will you know if I actually went to go see Baghra? I could’ve gone to the kitchens or my room or to hang out with the children in their class out by the lake!

Y/n adds, jokingly, to poke fun: I think it would be so much more fun if you made me.

D: *growls* and I think it would be more fun to let Ivan kill you.

Y/n: Honey, he’s frozen to the floor. *glances over at Ivan with a smile, watching my try to pull himself out of the ice with no avail*

Y/n: I’d love to see how that goes.

D: *rolls eyes* He’s a Heartrender you imbecile. All he needs are use of his hands

Y/n: Oh yes, thank you for reminding me- *she throws out her hands, opening her palm, casting more ice at Ivan, creating a frozen cocoon around him from the waist down, locking his arms in the ice by his sides*

*Y/n smiles, beaming at D, completely ignoring Ivan’s frustrated groaning*

*Y/n giggles scrunching her nose*

D: *Growls storming into the hall* Let’s go. *grabs her by the arm* I’ve had enough of you

Y/n: Bye Ivan!

Ivan: W-What?

Y/n: *bites her lip trying not to giggle anymore as D pulls her down the hall*

D: *over his shoulder to another Oprichniki* Have an Inferni melt the ice and a healer tend to him. I’ll be back in a bit.

D: *to Y/n* you’re turning out to be more trouble than you’re worth.

*Y/n stops, yanking her arm from his grip*

Y/n: I’m only playing and teasing, Shadow Man. When was the last time someone wasn’t utterly terrified of you and cracked a joke around you?- And besides, I never expected you to be one to back down from a challenge.

D: I’m not but you’re grating on my last nerve.

Y/n: So sue me, I enjoy it *she raises her arm for him to grab again*

D: *looks at her arm, then back at her* let’s just go. I have important work to do.

Y/n: Where are we going?

D: I’m bringing you to your room.

Y/n: Are you grounding me? *tries not to smile*

D: Putting you on house arrest.

Y/n: So, you are grounding me. *Y/n feels his grip on her arm tighten as he drags her through the little castle*

Y/n, mumbles to herself with a smile: I’m gonna love the peace and quiet…

D: that makes two of us

*Y/n laughs heartily, almost tripping as she tries to keep up with D*

Y/n: Oh you’ll miss me. I’m the only one in this castle that talks to you like a normal person.

Y/n: I may drive you crazy sometimes, but you like it.

D: If that’s what you think then you’re clearly delusional

Y/n: Am I? *giggles* Not 5 minutes ago, you inadvertently admitted that you enjoy our little arguments and banter and you didn’t deny it when I called you a liar for saying you don’t like anyone!

D: I didn’t say I did either. You still have a lot to learn little girl

Y/n: I’m not trying to say you have feelings for me if that's what you think.

D: I wasn’t thinking that. Where did you even get that idea?

Y/n: I’m only clarifying, just in case.

*Y/n notices the stares of other grishas watching The Darkling personally drag her up the stairs*

Y/n mutters this quietly, thinking it’s in her head: Does raise a question, though…

D: what?

*Y/n snaps her attention to D as they reach the top of the first staircase*

Y/n: Pardon?

D: Nothing. Ignore them. They don’t know how to mind their own business

Y/n: Can’t really blame them. I’d probably stare too, seeing you personally drag somebody around the castle instead of a pair of your Oprichniki dragging them.

D: Considering you froze one of them in the middle of the hallway and refused to listen when I told you to go away. A personal escort was needed

Y/n: You’re just so much fun to mess with. *bites her lip trying to contain herself*

D: *mutters* You’re generation really is stupid. *opens door to room and shove her inside* stay here until your lesson with Baghra tomorrow. Until then this door stays shut.

Y/n: Yes Bwana, yes.

*Y/n interrupts him before he could respond*

Y/n: by the way, it’s not my generation it’s just me. Because I am the only one who behaves like this around you. Everyone else is either too busy being afraid or trying to impress you.

D: *smiling the tiniest bit* Brave choice. Still a stupid one. Good night Y/n

Y/n: *smiles* Goodnight D...enjoy your peace and quiet.

D: I plan too. *closes door*

Y/n calls through the door: I hope the boot-licking, suck-up’s don’t give you too much of a big head!

Y/n, to herself: If they do, I’ll pop him like a balloon when I get out of here…

D: Good luck trying little girl!

Y/n: How did you even hear that last part?! Are you standing right outside my door?- thats creeeepy!

D: *walking away* I hear everything!

Y/n: You WERE!

D: Believe what you want, good night pest!

Y/n: So are you, but you’re such a baby

*Y/n bites her lip, successfully not giggling to herself as she waits for his reaction*

D: *smirking* Funny coming from a child centuries younger than me

*Y/n smiles and pulls the door open more, leaning against the doorframe*

Y/n: 1. You’re a man so it’s a give-in, 2. You can’t handle someone absentmindedly singing, or trying to playing with you, tease you, you tattle on me to Ivan- you’re whiney little baby.

D: *keeps walking over his shoulder* Maybe I do enjoy it but don’t want anyone to know

*Y/n smiles then catches her bottom lip between her teeth to hide it even though he’s not looking*

Y/n: I know...maybe I enjoy making it harder for you

D: I know you do. Doesn’t make it any less annoying

*Y/n giggles*

Y/n, calls after him: Yes, but Saints, you’re so entertaining when you’re all worked up.

D: *smirks and looks back at her* ya know that’s usually what someone says to a person they have feelings for. See you in a few days Y/n. Enjoy the peace and quiet. *disappears around a corner*

*Y/n stares wide eyed at the corner he disappeared around, her face flushed*

Y/n: Oh, bite me. *she grumbled, in case he’s still listening around the corner and goes back into her room*

D: *smirks as he walks back into his office*

#grishaverse #grishaverse netflix #shadow and bone #the darkling #alina starkov #malyen oretsev #zoya nazyalensky #darkling x reader #casual conversation #genya safin #leigh bardugo #Grisha #shadow summoner

36 notes · View notes

franeridart · 4 years

Text

Anon said: Opinions on Ochamina?

Cute soft and pink! Would be my main ship for those two if I didn’t ship seromina and ochadeku as hard as I do

Anon said: Hi there i was just wondering if its okay to ask you some questions about your art tools i work on paper a lot but i want to switch to digital art and want to know what to buy to get started you know?? if its not okay to ask thats fine, have a nice day!

I use Easy Pain Tool SAI and a wacom tablet so old I’m pretty sure they don’t even make them anymore haha if you’re just starting then anything is fine, really! The first thing you’ll need to do will be to get used to the feel of it, you won’t need anything fancy for that imho

Anon said: Yet again, I’m sleepy and feeling sappy so I luv youwu~

Awwww thank you so much!!! <3<3

Anon said: well guess who now has A LOT OF FEELINGS about Seromina after your reply? This anon. Holy, now I need like all the content about them. *goes of in search* Thank you for sharing your headcanon because it made me feel a lot of fluffy feelings!! Which yay!! I need more fluffly feelings in my life!! Also love love love your art. All of it original content and everything else (with a very soft sport for kiribaku and the bakusquad)

Ah heck thank you!!! And I’m very very glad to see I could make you see why I like them!!! :D

Anon said: how do you draw hair? i keep trying digitally, but it just seems so difficult! i tend to have so much trouble because i keep comparing myself to artists like you and the way you draw/shade/highlight hair is such a mystery to me!

Hmmmmm this is a hard question because I honestly mostly just go by gut feeling - I try to keep in mind gravity when it’s applicable (aka when it’s not gravity-defying hairstyles like kiri and baku’s)? But that’s the most conscious thought I put in it by this point. This might be an annoying advice to get but as always my only proper one is to look at real life people and study the way hair naturally falls on them, studying from real life is always the fastest way to learn how to draw something as far as my experience goes... and this one is gonna be hard but try not to compare yourself too much to others? Doing things your own way at your own pace will make the learning process a lot more fun!

Anon said: opinon on the lack of kiribaku interactions in the show recently? they have been interacting less and less since the provisional exam arc :( and even lesser in the manga. i miss my bois but bless you for the content omg😭💞

The truth is that they haven’t been the protagonists of an arc at the same time for so long that they’ve had little to no reason to interact with each other, and also that when Hori has characters interacting with them in the background it’s usually to have them reprimend them or tell them to shut up and at first they covered that role for each other but now they’re such good friends that all their interactions end up being them being nice to each other and Horikoshi needs his silly sketches thrown in the background at any possible moment so now Kaminari is the one you’ll see interacting with them the most, because he’s silly and doesn’t mind being a dick to either of them whenever given the chance. Or at least that’s the conclusion I came to after rereading the manga a couple months back. On the bright side they HAVE started interacting more again! We’ve been seeing them often just chilling together in the background, so cute, I love them best friends ;;;

Anon said: User kawaiiastar has reposted some of ur art just wanna let u know :)

Thank you for letting me know, I’ll look into it and see if I can get it removed orz

Anon said: ur drawings are so warm but like?? i just realized how much u talk in the tags and so ive been reading them and they actually add alot to ur art and its entertaining. idk just a little thing :) never stop doing krbk aus if you enjoy them!! would love to see stucky and soul eater if you can !! and i hear u about the reposters. they are all over instagram and its honestly quite upsetting. ive heard of artists that left the fandom because of it which is unfortunate. hope you are having a great day!

Hahaha I’m glad you like my talking too much in the tags since sometimes I just can’t avoid it lmao I have many things to say about my stuff most time than not..... anyway, I hope you’ll have a wonderful day too!

Anon said: i fight instagramers every day for you 💞

Thank you ;;;;;;;;

Anon said: I love you so please stay safe!!

Thank you!!! I hope you’ll stay safe too, anon!!!

Anon said: During quarantine all I have to look forward to is your posts, it’s always great to check tumblr for the 14th time and see a new post by you.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; heck, I’m so glad I can make this tiring time a little more pleasant to you, anon!! <3

Anon said: I have class (online) at 8am and it’s currently 3:42am yet I couldn’t stop scrolling on your page!!! I’ve been going through the tags for like 30 minutes omg. I came to look at your seromina stuff and now I’m looking at EVERYTHING. I’ve been following you for so long and I love your art so much I’m screaming! I’m literally accidentally unliking then liking everything again cuz I’ve seen it all and keep forgetting I already liked it! Your account is like food for my soul ily!!!!! Thank you sm!!!

Ahhhhh anon thank you so so much!!!! You’re so kind I’m gonna tear up TTATT please do try to sleep next time you have to wake up early!!

Anon said: I read a headcanon saying Bakugo smoked. That would never happen because Kirishima would kill him.

To be fair that would never happen because he straight up said so in the first chapter of the manga lmao but I’m of the opinion that if people want to ignore canon in their headcanons to have fun they have all the power to do so!

Anon said: Idk if you’ve been asked this before, but how do you feel about Momo x Jirou? :D and I love your art!

One of my top Jirou ships! I’ve drawn stuff for them in the past actually, they’re in my momojirou tag!

Anon said: I love you way more than it’s healthy.

Thank you ;;;;;;;;; I love you a whole damn lot too, anon <3<3

#fran answers #some!!!! replies to questions i'd left to pile up in my inbox #now slep

232 notes · View notes

classic80sand90smovieloves2 · 4 years

Text

Meeting and Dating Don Dawson

(Not my gif)(requested by anonymous)

- Don and you first meet when you’re walking through the halls during class time to go deliver something for your teacher. He was ditching class with a friend when the two of you “bumped into each other” and by that I mean you passed them while they leaned against a group of lockers.

- He does a doubletake when you walk past him for the first time. He isn’t shy about his leering either, he full on turns toward you and stares. After he’s gotten a good look, he turns toward his friend, waggles his eyebrows, and tails it after you.

- It kind of spooks you a little when he comes up beside you with an enthusiastic “how ya doin!” but you smile awkwardly and greet him back. He tries to chat you up while you walk back to class; he’s kind of cute so you don’t exactly mind.

- You pause outside of your class to talk a little more but your teacher cuts your conversation short with a teasing comment to you and a cocked brow to Don. He in response starts to flirt with your teacher, earning himself a smile and giggle from you. He winks at you one last time before he disappears back into the hallway and your teacher closes the door.

- He catches you when you’re walking to your car after school and propositions you in his usual fashion. You say “yeah, no thanks” and get in your car, leaving him in the dust. It was at that moment, watching your car disappear down the road, that he decides he has to have you.

- You thought the ordeal was kind of funny so you aren’t too bothered when he approaches you while you’re out with some friends. The two of you just so happened to go to the same place with your individual friend groups. He doesnt proposition you this time, thankfully.

- Now Don, at first, just thought you were hot and was trying to shoot his shot and to weasel his way into your pants. But as he’s talking to you he realizes that he really likes you, like you’re fun to talk to and you’re really interesting. He starts to feel this connection with you that he’s never really had with anyone else.

- Even though he doesn’t want to “admit it” he forms a little crush on you. He starts to talk to and hang out with you more; making it kind of obvious that he likes you with his flirting and innuendos. And you like it, him and the attention, so when he says “Hey why don’t we go grab a bite to eat sometime.” You tell him to “name a date and you’ll be there.”

- It takes him only a few seconds to respond.

- For your first date he gets a few beers and sodas and takes you out to a field where you sit in the bed of his truck and stargaze. He goes to kiss you once or twice but you don’t let him, you know how he is with girls and want to test him a little before you give in. Either way everything goes well and you agree to go out with him again.

- Although he accepts your refusal he probably still complains to the guys that you aren’t letting him “do anything”. But your refusal is more entertaining rather than anything else, he likes you as more than a lay so it doesn’t bother too much. He’s more determined and excited than annoyed.

- For your third date you’d gone to a concert together and the two of you had your first kiss as the band played. Definitely a very memorable experience and one you’re glad to remember. After your first kiss he knew for sure that you were the one.

- For the most part you have a very playful relationship.

- A lot of nicknames although most of the time he’s joking when he uses them. Like he’ll say a bunch of them in a row to get your attention or when he’s smothering you in affection.

- A few genuine ones still slip out sometimes.

- He kind of just lets you do whatever you want to him. Put his hair in pigtails, put make up on him, do his nails, crawl all over him, climb him like a monkey, anything you want as long as the evidence can be erased or go unnoticed.

- He loves affection and touching you and all that but he isn’t all that into pda. He likes the joking, quick funny stuff but keeps most of what he does behind closed doors unless you’re hanging around some of his good friends who also have their girlfriends there.

- He likes to lay his head in your lap and have you play with his hair.

- Lots of hugs.

- Piggyback rides.

- Double dates with Simone and Pink.

- Matching overalls.

- You’ve probably put flowers in the pocket of his overalls and he secretly finds it so precious. You’ve definitely snuck little notes in them without him knowing and when he finds them he can’t help but smile.

- Smacking his arm and giving him looks to get him to behave, you try your best to keep him out of trouble even though he makes it pretty difficult.

- He watches you a lot, especially whenever you walk away...he likes the view.

- He’s usually pretty animated and goofy, its kind of just how he is so you get to observe all of his adorable and funny quirks.

- You’re nearly always smiling or laughing when you’re with him.

- Playful flirting.

- Him trying to jokingly yet not so jokingly proposition you.

- Lewd jokes, he laughs hysterically whenever you grimace at them.

- Going to his football games and cheering him on.

- Meeting him after football practice and kissing behind the bleachers.

- Hanging out in the back of pickup trucks.

- Dawson’s kinda cool with everyone so he has a lot of friends around the school and subsequently everyones pretty friendly to you. All your friends probably like him.

- Going to parties with him and getting invited to others just for being his girlfriend.

- He always has a beer ready for you or shares his own with you, if you’re into that sort of thing.

- Going on little adventures with him.

- Hes pretty much down to do whatever you have in mind.

- Concert dates.

- He’ll play tackle/pounce on you and start kissing all over your neck and face; he’s pretty fond of that move.

- Secret handshakes.

- He’s a good listener, he likes hearing about what’s new in your life and things that you’ve done recently.

- He hates seeing you upset; he’s not very good at comforting you but he tries to get you to forget about whatever’s bugging you.

- Play wrestling.

- If you mention wanting something he’d 100% go out and grab it for you.

- He’s got major big brother vibes, do with that what you will.

- He gets involved in a lot of crazy shit so be prepared for some killer stories. He thinks its cute when you look worried for him.

- Constant compliments.

“Looking good.”

- Making fun of each other.

- Play arguing and punching.

- Tricking you into doing something suggestive; mostly when you’re alone, he doesnt want to completely embarrass you...or give his friends a free show.

- He admits he’s an asshole so be prepared. Although to be fair a lot of his asshole behavior is just a front. He’s actually really sweet once you get to know him, especially when you’re his girl/he likes you.

- He does think its kind of funny when you get mad at him...well it depends on how mad you get and how mad you stay. If you grumpily trudge off, rolling your eyes at him in front of his friends then he’ll probably laugh and joke with them.

- A lot of “oh come on babe it was just a joke!”

- It isn’t until you really stay mad that he no longer finds it as funny. He doesn’t like fighting with you but you always inevitably do. In a fight you’ll argue for a while before he tries to just end it as painlessly as possible. At that point he isnt even really sorry nor does he think you’ve settled things, he just doesnt want to fight anymore.

“Okay, okay,okay, alright, so-”.

- Sometimes his attempts to calm things really just backfire for him, like if you feel like he isn’t really listening and just trying to brush you off. It really depends on what you’d fight with him about.

- When you’re holding a grudge he’ll make jokes and bets with his friends, condescendingly saying how you “think you’re mad at him”. He says it himself: he’s an asshole. Although in these moments a lot of his asshole behavior is just him being spiteful because he’s hurt that you won’t talk to him.

- He does know how to apologize when he’s done something wrong or upset you. Like I said he’s usually really sweet even if he doesn’t act like it sometimes. It’s the reason you can come to forgive him especially during the “trial” part of your relationship (up next).

- He flirts too much, thats always been his problem, that and he’s sort of a hypocrite about it; he thinks he can flirt with other girls but you arent allowed to flirt with other guys. He doesn’t understand the injustice but after your first really big fight and subsequent breakup; most likely where he sees you go out with another guy, he finally learns his lesson.

- He’s a pretty coolheaded guy but he definitely doesn’t like people flirting with or having a thing for you even if he’s a playboy and would usually partake in the locker room talk with them. When you came along he was kind of like “Well I’ve finally settled down and I like this one a lot so back off.”.

- He gets a lot of girls coming after him so you’ll probably get a little jealous every now and again. He tries to assure you as best as he can that he isn’t interested in them.

- He’s a football player so there’s at least a little pent up aggression in him. He’s ready to bust a lip to get a guy off your back or stop him from trying to get with you.

- He wants that nuclear family type of future, with a nice house, picket fence, and son to play catch with in the yard. He never thought he’d imagine a future with a girl before but here he is, and he... kinda likes it.

- He’s definitely dropped a “Mrs. Dawson” on you after you teasingly called him Mr. Dawson. You’d just been trying to mess with him but then he had to go and make you all flustered and giddy.

- Dawson will probably go to college on a football scholarship. Before you came along he was planning on screwing a lot of chicks but now thinks “I’d be pissed if she screwed a guy while I was gone” and stops the temptation where it starts. He comes a long way during your relationship.

- I can see him proposing to you after he gets out of college and settles down with a nice job. He’d make a personal kind of special occasion out of the proposal, something that involves a sentimental part of your relationship.

#90s movie headcanons #90s imagine #dazed and confused x reader #dazed and confused imagine #dazed and confused headcanon #dazed and confused headcanons #dazed and confused #don dawson imagine #don dawson #don dawson headcanons #don dawson headcanon

226 notes · View notes

sabineskeep · 5 years

Text

Poolside

Visiting your grandma was always a very taxing process. You didn't mind the pool, the free cookies, or all the card games, but having to spend the whole weekend not more than five feet away from your whole family was very unappealing. At least if you were at home you could escape back to your room, turn up your music and ignore them, but between your overbearing mother, loose-lipped little sister, and your grandma who seemed to always have something to pick on you about, it was going to be a rough weekend.

"Lets go sweet heart! We can't have everyone waiting around on you like usual!" Your nana said with a sickly sweet grin. You sheepishly smiled back and grabbed your towel before heading out the door. Your grandma expected you to be the perfect granddaughter. Captain of the volleyball team, President of the student council, all of it. While you were on a lot of teams at school and had very good grades, but you never could seem to completely satisfy her.

Your little sister, Cassie was only eight and entirely all too excited to go swim with a bunch of elderly people. She was giggling up a storm and you had to admit she was adorable. Admittedly, you liked Cassie the best out of everyone she really was sweet and fun. She just really did not know how to keep a secret, or how to not read your diary aloud to your mom. She grabbed your hand and pulled you faster towards the pool.

"Don't forget to put on your sunscreen girls! And wear the pool shoes I brought you!" Your mom called after you. She was definitely cracking under the pressure of your grandma. She had even bought you and your sister matching bathing suits for the weekend. Cassie had a black one piece with teal stripes and you had black high waisted bottoms with a teal sports bra-like top.

Many residents were milling around the pool area with some young family members here and there. The pool was gorgeous with all the white lounge chairs and palm trees it was the perfect sunny day. You were reclining on a lounge chair when you saw a mop of black hair pass you. You would recognize that lanky goth frame anywhere.

Rodrick Heffley, you two went to high school together. You two had never talked, but you had witnessed your fair share of him hitting on girls and getting turned down, playing air drums on his desk in class, goofing off with his friends and then trying to act cool the next second. Maybe you had paid a little more attention to him than you thought. You realized you had been gawking at him for far too long as he took a seat across the pool from you. You tore your eyes away and you could feel your cheeks get hot. You didn't know that Rodrick was also peeling his eyes away from you.

You slammed the door of your grandmas apartment behind you and wiped your arm across your eyes. A couple tears still fell as you walked down the hallway. You had left in the middle of dinner because your grandmas comments got too much too handle. Everything you did seemed to be wrong. There was always some snide comment about your eating, your skin, your hair. You couldn't stay another minute in that room.

You traced your previous path down the 90s patterned carpet. The hallway had a couple nightlights but was still mostly dark which made an eerie feeling crawl up your back. You rubbed your arms in the chilly air you wished you had brought a coat before you ran out of the house. All you had on were some pajama shirts and a loose crop top. Hopefully, the pool would have been left open so you could sit somewhere warm and calm down. Your tears dried away as you got farther and farther away from your problems and made it outside.

The pool door opened easily as you stepped out into the warm night. A full moon lit up the area but the blue pool lights cast moving patterns everywhere. You stood on the edge of the pool watching the tiny ripples when someone stepped up behind you.

"Hey don't I know you from school?" You let out a small shriek and very nearly tumbled into the pool but the stranger grabbed onto your waist and pulled you back. Then you were face to face with none other, but Rodrick. His mouth was slightly open trying to get words out.

"Thank you, but no thank you because you scared the shit out of me." You laughed out. You were desperately trying to not think about your loose shirt riding up and how his warm hands were still on the crook of your waist.

He took a step back, his hands lingering for another second before replying, "Sorry I didn't mean to freak you out. You're in my physics class right?" He pointed at you with an unsure look on his face. You took in his red flannel over a handmade loded diaper t-shirt and his black skinny jeans. It was a little late to be so fully dressed but you guessed thats the punk life, and you were, definitely, not disappointed.

"Yeah, yeah I'm Y/N." You wrapped your arms around your waist. "Although I'm surprised you remember me considering you're almost never there." He winced at this fact. You had never felt this nervous before. Butterflies invaded your stomach and it felt a lot hotter outside. He's just a dumb boy in a band, you reminded yourself. A cute boy. A boy who was pretty much your exact type and right now all you wanted to do was peel off that flannel and reenact Romeo and Juliet right here by the pool.

"Oof thats true, but I try never to forget a pretty face." This came off more awkward than smooth, but lucky for Rodrick it definitely had an affect on you. You tried to keep it off your face but, turned back to the pool just in case.

"So-uh what are you doing out here?" He sidled up next to you, shoving his and hands in his pockets. You glanced up at him. "I had to get some space from my insane grandma." You ran your hands through your hair exasperated. "There just only so much I can deal with from her." Rodricks eyes were trained on your profile as you stared out into the pool. "That sounds harsh, I'm sorry." He tossed his hands out. "Well I've only known you for like five minutes and I think you're pretty great!" You smiled slightly and bumped him with your shoulder,

"Thanks dork, What about you? Whats got you coming to the pool in the middle of the night?" "My annoying little brother will not leave me alone!" He groaned taking a few steps back. "So I came out here to try and get some shut eye." He plopped down onto one of the pool loungers. You followed him slowly before sitting down on the edge of his chair.

"Ah, am I keeping you awake then?" You smirked. "No- no- I mean yes! but not in a bad way you know." He grabbed your wrist. You both looked down at his hand and then made eye contact. You could see just how dark his eyes were as they looked in to yours and it felt like you were getting slightly closer.

"I definitely knew you were in my physics class." He blurted out. "I've wanted to talk to you for a really long time." A little bit of confidence rose in you. Rodrick, punk extraordinaire had been watching you.

"You should've. I don't bite." You said barely above a whisper. His brown eyes bore into yours and again his mouth hung open in a surprise. "W-Would you want to come see my band play sometime?" He stuttered out. You smiled and put your hand on the side of his neck, pulling him closer to you.

"Yeah Rodrick I'd love to." Your softy pressed your lips together and threaded your hand into his dark curls. One of his hands dripped your waist and the other held onto your thigh. You pulled apart and you could see his pupil dilated. Both of you were breathing heavily. You were in disbelief. You never thought Rodrick would be interested in you, but here he was and you were not going to let this opportunity go to waste.

You gently pushed him back so he was reclining and climbed onto his lap. "I've been watching you to." You confessed. "For a very long time." "Looks like we have a lot of time to make up for." He said resting his hands on your outer thighs. You nodded as you ran your hands under his flannel and leaned down to press your lips together again. The kiss became more heated as he ran his hands under the edge of your shirt sending small tickles up your spine. His lithe body pressed up against you and you couldn't get enough. He pressed kisses down your neck and lightly bit down. You would definitely have a hickey later. You let out a small moan and felt him smile against your skin.

You rested back. "I'm gonna have to go back at some point. I don't want them to come looking for me." He groaned, wrapping his arms around my waist. "I guess so, but only if you promise to come to my band practice on Friday."

"Yes, I promise I will be there." You pressed one more small peck to his lips before climbing off. You straightened your clothes and began to walk back inside. You turned and gave Rodrick one more small wave, which he returned, before entering the building. You definitely weren't worried about your grandma now, although you would have to find a way to hide this hickey until you left.

#rodrick heffley #rodrick heffley imagine #rodrick heffley x reader #diary of a wimpy kid #diary of a wimpy kid dog days

1K notes · View notes

zozophoenixxx · 3 years

Text

Friendly reminders about The Flash⚡️

Things I had forgotten or little details I just noticed on my rewatch, maybe even Unpopular Opinions 🤭👀

✨Season 4✨

Even though this was honestly one of my least favorite seasons it was pretty interesting to watch and it had some pretty cool, badass and hilarious scenes lmao

Ok but the intro on the first episode was kinda cool

Cisco, wally and Joe working together... we stan 🙌🏼

Also the new star labs tables and tech make it look pretty cool

Samuroid, Kilg%re, Hazard, Amunet Black, T•h•e W•e•e•p•e•r, Black Bison, The Thinker, Bᵣₐ��ₙₛₜₒᵣₘ, 千卂ㄥㄥㄖㄩㄒ, Prank and Trickster Jr., Dwarfstar, m̾e̾l̾t̾i̾n̾g̾ ̾p̾o̾i̾n̾t̾, Null, The folded man

Ramsey Deacon aka Kilg%re

Rebecca Sharpe (Becky) aka Hazard

Ralph Dibny aka the elongated man

T•h•e W•e•e•p•e•r

Mina Chaytan aka Black Bison

Dominic Lance aka Bᵣₐᵢₙₛₜₒᵣₘ

Neil Borman aka 千卂ㄥㄥㄖㄩㄒ

Sylbert Rundine aka Dwarfstar

Izzy Bowen

Matthew Kim aka m̾e̾l̾t̾i̾n̾g̾ ̾p̾o̾i̾n̾t̾

Janet Petty aka Null

Edwin Gauss aka the folded man

Wally can speak Japanese😂

Joe being able to forgive Caitlin after what she did is amazing I love them 🥺

West-Allen kiss count (approximately): 46 😘

Cisco being upset because he was at the "doghouse" in ep2 is hilarious

"Rule number 1, when a girl say it's fine, it's not fine" i- I'd be happy with Cisco as my boyfriend

Gypsy's gorgeous bro 🤩

Ok i'm sorry but that "we are the flash" bothers me

Not Cisco, Barry, and Caitlin playing laser tag... AGAINST KIDS😂💀 And Cisco really went "you have failed this city" I love them (ep3)

Jesse just broke up with Wally... With a…

Breakup cube i-

HARRY IS SO AWKWARD

Joe being lost or done with everything going on around him is hilarious, and he also looked so sad when Cecile asked him to sell the house

Iris and Barry really would've gotten married out of the blue if it hadn't been for Kevin (the lil boy in ep3) LMAOOO

This boy really used cinnamon incense on purpose when the father was allergic to it and just went :) ┐(´ー｀)┌

"no need to shame the little boy" I-

We love Barry defending little kids 🥺

I liked Cisco's shirt in this episode

Haikus are easy

But sometimes they don't make sense

Refrigerator

Not Wally leaving 🥺😩

BAHHAHHSXHAHSGHASGAH Joe's reaction when Cecile told him she was pregnant

OMG just realized that in the beginning of ep4 when Cisco and Gypsy are making out on Cisco's bed that… BRO I-

After Cisco asked Gypsy what her real name was she went to the bathroom and he stayed in bed but went to look for something in the little night table… that something was probably a condom… Y'ALL WHAT BAHBSAHBSHAS

Ralph Dibny used to be a dirty cop, I had Completely forgotten about this man

I just noticed that every time that Barry goes into a new room he looks around and i guess he tries to grasp as much information of it as possible and it's kinda cute

I like how Breacher always has a serious face but when Gypsy talks to him he smiles 🥺

CISKY KABDjahdHAHDSH

Also Breacher being Danny Trejo (Machete) from Spy Kids

"Good people don't destroy lives and call it noble"

Gypsy's real name is Cynthia and Breacher's Josh

Girl Night's out was an awesome episode, I mean we got to see the girls working together, Felicity, Drunk Barry and Cecile going #feminism it's just great

Amunet was kinda funny lmao Annoying but funny lol

BAHSHAHHA that scene when they get mugged by the guy that try to mugged Barry in s1 is hilariousss (ep6)

Ok but Black Bison (Mina) was right like why are things that belong to people that are still here in a museum?

Uff istg I hate Marlize sm like she's so manipulative and she just slapped Barry like bro u know ur guilty he's just doing his job ugh, I know she becomes good at the end but still 😤🙄

Harry and Caitlin 🥺

I love how Cisco's powers improved throughout the seasons. Like at the beginning he needed his goggles to vibe and now he just did it without them.

Bro even tho Amunet is evil she really just encouraged Caitlin and let her know that she is amazing for her, not only for killer frost.

I like Iris and Caitlin's friendship

The fact that she decided to go after Caitlin, instead of Barry shows how good of a leader she is

"those white girl dreads came straight from the 90s" BAHSHAHHA I love Cisco

Bro no wth I only saw Dominic for one episode and I already loved him 🥺

UGHHHH He didn't do anything this is not fair it makes me so upset like it was so infuriating to see him go through trial for something he didn't do🥺

Ig that's what he felt like when his dad-

I-

Noooooo

Caitlin holding Iris's hand during trial 🥺

Ralph really protected Joe and prevented him from basically destroying his life by planting fake evidence on Marlize's shoes

Ok but I love 千卂ㄥㄥㄖㄩㄒ's episode because I think it's like the first time that we get to see Killer Frost fighting alongside them 🥺

They really helped Caitlin turn into Killer Frost with... puppies 🥺😂❤️

Bro the amount of people that are in jail for crimes they didn't commit makes me so upset

And the fact that he got the same cell as his dad 🤌🏼😩

"I'm the fastest mop alive" I love how even when he's in prison he's still finds a way to smile or make Iris smile i-

Zoey Clark was James Jesse's girlfriend and Axel Walker's mother.

Ralph's first superhero name was stretchy man

Lexi La Roche was Caitlin's childhood bully

Omg just saw Nora for the first time in s4 ehhh actually probably not the first time since I think she appeared in the crossover but I skipped that episode so oh well 😂

She's so awkward- her Barry is showing lmaoooo

OMG I love this, Cecile just found out she can read minds lmaooo

JOE'S FACE BAHSHHHAHAHA

SHE'S A TELEPATH

BULBASAUR BAHAHAHAHAHA

Big Sir's real name is Dave and i-🥺

BARRY'S A CHEATER ABSHAHAHH he cheated on poker lmaooo

Cecile would definitely be me if I had powers

Harry's actually pretty insecure

Mini Ralph and Mini Cisco are hilarious

I will forever love Big Sir like 🥺

The fact that he did get his happy ending 🥺☺️❤️

Bro I felt so bad when the bus metas were almost free and Devoe took them 🥺

I'm ngl I'd love to get a pep talk from killer frost

OMG THATS WHY HE NEEDED T•h•e W•e•e•p•e•r i never really understood why he needed him but it was to keep Marlize in love

BAHSHAHHA I love Cisco "Ralph I love you but you sleep on a futon" (a damp futon)

AND IRIS "you nasty" JAHSHAHA

Ok but I love Izzy Bowen's energy, she reminds me of Laurel sm

I love how Harry calls Cecile- DA Cecile Horton

The Flash s4:E14 "Subject 9" minute 12:14 - Cisco yelling "Iris" with the voice Crack is the most hilarious thing I've seen today lmaoo

Just realized that the first time we saw Izzy Bowen she was singing Somethin' Bad which was probably foreshadowing what was going to happen with her character

Bro izzy🥺

"AH SON OF A BREACH" BAHSHAHHA

Iris being a speedster is kinda cool and I like that her lightning is purple :)💜⚡️

Cisco just saved Iris 🥺

Poor Cisco, Harry just destroyed his little airplane thingie he was working on because he was looking for his thinking cap that Joe had because Harry was getting addicted to it

And Joe noticed because Harry had the same symptoms as Francine did 🥺

Bro that scene in ep18 where Marlize and Iris are fighting is pretty badass, especially when Iris basically stabs herself to get rid of Marlize or when Joe makes it into the Cortex with the Samuroid's head in a pole lmaooo😂

Ralph and Killer Frost 🥺

I love Snart from Earth-X

Bro no I love Cisco and Gypsy I cried when they broke up 🥺

Amunet's real name is Leslie Jocoy

Diggle throwing up after running with Barry every single time is hilarious😂

I love it when Cecile inhabits other people's minds right when she's about to give birth BAHSHAHHA SHE REALLY IMPERSONATED JOE PERFECTLY

Joe and Cecile baby's name is Jenna Marie West🥺☺️

This house is bitchin' BAHAHAHA I hated this cliffhanger like I loved it bc it wasn't that bad but it was yk?😂

14 notes · View notes

midwestmess94 · 3 years

Text

Queer Mental Health: A June Discussion

It is Day 2 of PRIDE month. Major corporations have already changed their logos to the rainbow flag, the circuit gays are out on the beaches in their speedos, posting thirst traps on Instagram, the Ru Girls are teasing their wigs and stoning their body suits for the plethora of gigs they have coming up, PRIDE celebration planning is underway if the event has not already happened. It is the gayest time of the year.

I feel that, while we are drinking our vodka sprites with a splash of cran (and PBR ((yes, I am a gay who drinks cheap beer. Who gonna check me boo?))), we need to talk about queer mental health.

I feel that this is a topic we shyly talk about. After years of being viewed as outcasts and weirdos, I feel that we sometimes get scared to talk about the thoughts in our head. We’ve been told being ourselves was such a problem that the stigmatism behind mental health bogs us down. We don’t really talk about going to see therapists, or crying for reasons we don’t understand, or the on-going battle of what our bodies look like.

Every morning I wake up at 2am to go to work. I work until 12:30 p.m. Then, I come home and sit on my couch and just aimlessly watch Netflix until I have to repeat the process. I do that Friday-Tuesday. On Wednesdays and Thursdays, I just sit around my house and watch more tv.

I love my job. I’ve had amazing opportunities in my career and I’m thankful for the great people I’ve met, who’ve helped me. I’ve truly grown from those experiences.

I hate leaving work. It’s the most socialization that I get outside of my house. I sit and battle my anxiety and depression at home by myself. Because of my weird schedule, I don’t get to see people much. My friends try to come out but they work normal hours so they can’t really do anything on my days off. On Wednesdays, I go to the local gay bar and play bingo by myself. It’s quite sad but I made friends with the bartender, who has had to save me from a couple rough days.

---- PRO TIP: Never have your bartender drive you home. You then will live with a bunch of regret of making a pseudo-stranger see you in your worst----

Everyday, I wake up before dawn and get in the shower. My first thought when I wake up is “what will I fuck up today?” Then, I think about what I have to do for the day. Through that, I debate going to the gym after work and I usually let my inner saboteur win the argument. I always convince myself: what is the point? I never have the motivation to stick with it. It would just be a waste of time and all I want to do is lay on the couch. At some point in the day, my anxiety kicks in. It is usually around the time I check my bank account. This is where my anxiety convinces me that I am a fuck up. Then, I look up the number to my therapist because I feel like that might help. Well, my anxiety, who I’ve named Chad, tells me that it won’t help because it never does. I just feel like I want to escape my anxiety and that it will go away. Unfortunately, it never does. You can’t escape your brain and your feelings. Then, I realize I’m spiraling. I think about texting my friends about my issues but I haven’t known them that long since I’ve known them for under a year. I can’t really talk to them about my issues because it’s also robbing them of their time. It’s not fair to constantly seek help when you are probably just dealing with the same repetitive shit. I get afraid that I’ll just scare them away because of the issues I’ve dealt with since I was 16. My anxiety drives me to feel like I’m just a thorn in everyone’s side. It’s bad to the point that I repetitively apologize to everyone for basically existing. There are days where I just lay in bed and scroll through social media, wishing I was someone else because I let myself believe I can’t change to be the person I want to be. I look in the mirror and really hate the social decisions I’ve been making in the last year. I’ve been getting super anxious about the things I’ve said to people when I’m drunk. I get anxious about DMing people I’ve met because I think they’ll think I have feelings for them when in reality I just want to be sociable. My depression comes in waves on top of this. I constantly think about how I’ve made awful financial decisions in my early 20s and now I’m paying for it in my late 20s. I’m living with family at the age of 27 and I didn’t plan on that for myself. I see what people are doing on social media. I know people never post their worst but it makes me feel like I’m doing my absolute worst. It’s not fair of me to do that to myself but also I’d like to formally introduce everyone to Chad, my anxiety and Darryl, my depression.

I then think that my friends, the very few I have in Florida, think that I’m just too much and only deal with me because we end up in the same social situations. Want to know why? Because I’m everything that would annoy me as a person. I wish I wasn’t but I am. I know it is that whole conversation of working on yourself but this is happening to me right now. Not the end goal of working on yourself. Stop fucking telling people they need to work on themselves. Someone going through something probably knows that but this is happening in the now. Dismissing their shit and saying it’ll be better down the road is the fucking worst thing ever.

Then, I’m gay on top of all of this. Being gay is great but unconventionally hard. People want to tokenize you. They want to put you in a box and say you should be this and not that. I have gotten, specifically from my fraternity brothers in college, “you are cool but just like tone it down dude.” The first time I heard that was in reference to me posting a picture kissing a boy’s cheek on Instagram. Some of my fraternity brothers didn’t think it would look good for the chapter’s image. But, they publicly cheat on their girlfriends and do whatever they want. Oh, lets talk about how they’d ask me to wing man them with my girlfriends so they could get laid. Or, my favorite, is when women say I should act a certain way. My close girlfriends are not like this. One of them says “yes queen” but that’s about it. She has never tokenized me and she’s let me be whatever version of myself I am that day. But straight women love to say we should love shopping. If we’re femme presenting or there is an ounce of feminity in our presence, then we get asked if we like mani-pedis or assume we have style. Not all of us do. I don’t even identify with a feminine or masculine identity. I didn’t know I needed a label to be myself.

Then there are the boxes gay guys put other gays in. First thing is first, if you are slightly overweight, not fit and not stylish... You can go fuck yourself. Gay dating is like having a Ruth Chris budget but you can only afford the McDonald’s $3 McDouble Meal. Every gay man, thanks to porn and the American media’s take on what gay men look like, thinks they need to date the hottest guy in the room. The minute that they realize that guy will never go for them, well that is cataclysmic. You may call that once in a blue moon but I call that a Saturday night at a gay bar.

Then, there is the judgment in how you dress, who you hang out with, what you do and what you drink (I am the only person at my local gay bar that drinks PBR and the amount of comments about calories and bloating I’ve received is way too much). It’s rough.

I know this was a long journey and most of you probably didn’t read all of this but I wrote this to get things off my mind. This is what I deal with every day of the year. I never know what my mood of the day will be when I wake up. Will I win my battle against my anxiety and depression or will I lose it and let it run everything? I feel no matter what we look like, what do we do or who we hang out with, this is something every queer person deals with. I think we need to have more of an open conversation about it amongst ourselves. I think there is some comfort there. We all present and hold face in different ways. If you ever saw me in person, you could tell how I am doing by how I present myself. I never really hide anything. It’s dumb. Just be yourself.

I know I wrote this for me but I hope it starts a conversation amongst the queer community. I hope it helps someone reach out to seek help or I hope you just related. Anyways, thats it.

#pride #pride flag #mental breakdown #mental health #gay #queer #lgbtqia #queer mental health #please discuss #pride month #stonewall

5 notes · View notes