#i just hate breathing right now
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Gods, I'm so fucking exhausted of being alive whilst not being alive.
#venty post because my hormones are cureently fucking me up and the world knows it and wants to make every annoyance possible to me appear#at least I think its hormones#idk mental illness too#maybe both#i just hate breathing right now#the future seems lioe a dead end in all ways#this job place is toying with me#i hate my body#and my face#but depression is making me too exhausted to engage in exercise#food even sounds bad#i wont even be avle to enjoy my vacation this next week due to pure shame and guilt that i cant get over#and so... so much more#i relapsed last night too. and i hate how good it felt.#i dont really want to die....i just dont want to wake up anymore. not in this world. not here
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i do not know how to explain to people that "transmisogyny" is the specific transphobia that trans women + transfems face (often but not exclusively at the hands of cis people), and "transandrophobia" is the specific transphobia that trans men + mascs face (often but not exclusively at the hands of cis people), and that they all come together under the umbrella of "transphobia." these are not opposing concepts nor are they mutually exclusive, to believe in one does not mean non-belief in the other. is there a simpler way of phrasing this. can i be clearer.
#i can't handle that post that's going around accusing everyone who acknowledges the existence of transadrophobia of being a transmisogynist#i want to scream i want to peel my skin off thats not how this works that's not how any of this works#in fact one might imagine that understanding the nuances of all different types of transphobia might make you a better ally to trans women!#what a shock!#to understand that bioessentialism can harm trans women and trans men and nonbinary people and and and#im so tired. the hate campaigns are horrifying and the blatant and aggressive removal of trans women + transfems blogs is AWFUL and specifi#this falls under transmisogyny! we can acknowledge and understand that#right? right!#but that in no way just makes it trans men + mascs fault?? they are NOT the (only - there are cruel people in every demographic) people#who are mass reporting innocent transfem's blogs#it's TERFs and transmisogynists#if we have the nuance to understand that not every transmisogynist is a TERF then we can understand that not everyone who#acknowledges that transandrophobia is real is. a transmisogynist?! hello?? am i alive right now. am i currently living and breathing??#genuinely reading that post doesn't feel real. that is so far from reality i'm nauseated.#txtly#i genuinely don't know how this can be made any clearer.#i'm tired. idk
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i dont wanna go to sleep alone anymore ‼️‼️‼️💥💥💥💥
#i feel like an anxiety riddled bird frantically making a nest#im trying to make my blankets and pillows perfect but nothings working#my body feels so weird theres like anxiety in my hands and tummy#and i feel like im going to cry for no reason but at the same time i cant#and im stressing about how tired im gonna be tomorrow#and i know if someone was just next to me i’d calm down so much#cause i just feel floaty and weird#and its so silly that just having someone by me would help its dumb#and i also like dont know how to breathe right now#it feels like its almost a panic attack but not quite and ive felt like this for an hour#like im just teetering on the edge and i hate it#tbd#not to be so dramatic but the lonliness is indescribable and inescapable tonight#being someone whos main love language is touch and only ever being around people who use physical touch as a weapon for 90% of your life#will do crazy things to you#especially on random sunday nights
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wait. random idea. Pathetic(blame candy) muzan & kokushibo are exes from Centuries ago and he has Complaints hed like to talk about w him but all hes getting to now is Nakime. hes so sick of his bullshit and just enduring it and goes to kagaya like 'i have to kill kibutsuji. ill help you kill him & the other upper moons just PLEASE im so sick of this shit. i need to kill him' 'well you arent killing me so ill give you the benefit of doubt-'
since they broke up he's hacked at the curse to the point he can snap it Whenever without muzan noticing, he finally did so & went to kagaya bc he can Feel shit's gonna pick up soon. he has his memories but he Ignores Them bc hes ashamed and kinda projecting it onto muzan. he has to kill muzan to kill his shame kinda fucked up coping mechanism yk?
the hashira try to kill him On Sight together but he calmly deflects everything while explaining hes working with them to kill kibutsuji. reluctant acceptance with the note from kagaya giving him a pass. most of them fully believe its a trap tho.
koku seeing tanjiro & his earrings and starting to approach, giyuu already has his blade lodged in his neck as a warning/threat & tanjiro staring at him in shock like 'HUH?? THE MAN FROM MY DREAMS?? HES A DEMON NOW? WAIT WHATS HE DOING HERE-'
#allied kokushibo au#he gets to have a conversation w tanjiro (giyuu watching like a fucking hawk) about his brother & sun breathing and all that- nezuko and her#conquering the sun- koku agreeing that of any demon she deserves to have the sun's blessing. not fuckin *muzan*. he'll want his grubby#little hands on her as soon as he finds out. You. practice sun breathing Right Now you have to be Ready for this.#kokushibo#tsugikuni michikatsu#kny spoilers#<probably need to add that since this is like Entirely surrounding the final few arcs#he talks to tomayo&yushiro and shinobu and gets in on their plans. maybe stop shinobu from her suicide attempt & deals with douma himself#leaves more than just tanjiro and giyuu to fight akaza#i dont remember how kaigaku's goes isnt zenitsu the only one? if so he can keep that thats his atonement whatever for jigoro#nakime however is going to have much more of a Time defending against like 4 hashira at once#yadda yadda less casualties happier ending. koku not knowing what the fuck to do now. stop the need to Eat People to live obviously but what#the fuck. he still hates himself. all the tereible shit hes done and for What. does he kill himself? walking into the sun seems like a good#way to go. fitting yk? but if he becomes fully human like nezuko did what the fuck does he Do. just. Live? after all the shit he did? no..#cool at the beginning but the ending has many questions#i do think he'd want to kill himself but i also think he'd be scared to see his brother in the afterlife. in canon it feels like a spur of#the moment Explode Yourself bc the emotions were overwhelming in the moment#or maybe its been way too long since ive read the manga and this shits ALL out of character#whatever it was funnie at first but then i put too much thought into it#def wanna see somethn with him & tanjiro talking about how theyre connected#kny manga spoilers
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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Some random people: Eloise is the villain because she's a bitch and has a bad attitude.
Me:
#bridgerton#like aside from calling young girls bitches just bc you don't like their attitude#what other reason is there? like give others reasons besides no liking her attitude#that's just a character flaw not something insanely heinous#and in the same breath people will defend cressida (who while i like now was mean in s1 & 2)#which completely goes against their original point so u don't actually hate characters with bad attitudes#also i've seen people pin a lot of hate on her to uplift pen and pinning things eloise has no control over#how is she responsible for pen's family's financial situation? why should she push colin to pen at every turn?#(i wouldn't given that homegirl wrote about my family left and right but go off ig)#like not saying you can't dislike eloise but to call her a villain--- such a copout#eloise bridgerton#eloise baby u will always be loved by me!
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I'm so on edge today I hate it
#i had a bit of sound overload while playing league and its set me off#and ive got my mom visiting me tomorrow which is freaking me the fuck out#im just on edge right now i hate it#I need a hug#everything feels so wrong and everything I do feels even more wrong#mega feelings of being a big giant mistake#and i know its just me being negative and adding it all in my head and making it worse#but gah#i just need to breathe#I want to put my head through a wall but we dont do that in this house#its not gonna help and i deserve better than doing that to myself
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chat im having such a good time right now (this is a lie)
#i miss nico i hate my family im upset about losing my game my legs hurt my ribs hurt my back hurts my shoulders hurt i cant breathe#i wanna kill my dad i wanna kill my sister i dont even wanna think about either of my exes but for some reason i am and just#i am not having a good time right now chat
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what if?
and i mean what if
i just got my ass out of the chair
got dressed
put the clothes out to dry outside
and did something?
what if?
huh?
what if
#why does this seem like a poem? LOL#and i need to got to my 'sister's' place to take care of her dog after lunch#because she has to go to work and the dog is a ball full of anxiety and can't be alone for too long#so i should try to get something done around the house before i go#and the longer i take to put the clothes outside the more i'm wasting time and then the clothes won't dry properly#why am i like this#why aren't the meds a fix all#why can't i just do things#why must i hate myself like this lol#i'm just bitching dont worry#i'm going to get my ass up right now#ig i just needed to say it to do it#i'm breathing i'm doing it#cool#mine#ig i'll tag it as one of my poems hahaha#might as well make something out of nothing#my poems
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God. God. God. Holy fucking shit i love Avatar so fucking much
#horse.txt#im being so real right now it breaks my goddamn heart that so many people hate it on principle and go into it waiting to be disappointed#like. god. seriously? how do so few people seem to see the shit im seeing? how do people not GET its RIGHT THERE???#idk man im like. high and the hd release is out so it feels like Christmas but this shit has been on my mind and its at like a precipice#its one thing when ppl just aren't into it but the absolute LOATHING and DISDAIN people harbour for these movies is just. baffling#i cant understand it#i hate statistics. why did it have to pan out this way#how can anybody hate this production literally decades in the making? the fucking DEFINITION of a Passion Project?#the labour and love and inventive GENIUS that has gone into these films--and#you know what? the writing ISN'T that fucking awful. its not perfect because no movie is ever fucking perfect and sometimes you#have to give a script and characters breathing room. room to make mistakes!!! because this fucking obsession with#'characters dont have to be realistic!' is BULLSHIT. and NO saying that does not conflict with the idea that Characters=/=real ppl in#discourse!the ideas can fucking coexist! having realistic characters is GOOD its fucking GOOD when theyre stupid and do shit you dont like!#because thats what REAL PEOPLE DO thats what makes them fucking COMPELLING thats what youre SUPPOSED to let draw you in!!!!!!#but noooo no no no no keep repeating your smurf pocahontas jokes and roll your eyes at anyone who does like it like theyre stupid#because you can't be assed to give something a chance just because everyone Else is calling it stupid#and you dont want them to roll their eyes at /you/#i know this is dumb to be so heated about but im just. im sad man. im happy im having a great day!! but im sad#about how few people i can share it with yk..???
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self indulgent got concept.
Ned brings Jon home, Cat hates the boy, everything stays the same... until Robert Baratheon is charging through the halls of Winterfell looking for the babe, ready to butcher the poor thing where he lay helpless in his cradle.
in a matter of moments Catelyn learns three things:
The babe was never a bastard, Ned had only lied to her to protect Jon, and that she would die before she let Robert lay a finger on the babe she'd previously wished death upon.
cue Catelyn Stark snatching Jon from his cradle, holding him, protecting him, loving him as she would her own son, risking it all to keep him safe, all care for herself thrown to the wind.
like they say, what a mother's love holds no bounds, and what it makes her capable of had no limits.
#listen listen listen#I just want Catelyn to love Jon Snow and I don't care what I ahve to do to make it happen#(plus the angst is delicious)#I was rewatching old kids movies and ended up watching ice age and idk why but the mom sacrificing herself for her babe gave me ideas#I just imagine young Cat holding onto the boy she hated and wished death on for being bastard (only to find out he wasn't one) as tightly-#as she could. knowing Robert and his men were coming. knowing they would slaughter the boy in front of her. knwoing she'd wished for this-#and deciding she'd give her own life to protect him if thats what it came to.#and in my mind she jumped from the window of the nursery knowing the halls will be filled with the kings men and leave little chance for-#escape. before fleeing on injured legs to hide the babe and herself knowing Robert would be right behind her. she's in agony. but she'll-#going for the babes sake. she won't stop until her heart is dead in her chest. even if it hurts to move and breath and think he keeps going#maybe she takes a horse and flees wintefell all together. maybe she hides somewhere in/around the castle. maybe Robert catches her?#if she runs with him she'd have nothing but the clothes on her back. she'd have to feed him and keep him warm. she'd have left her own son-#behind. the potential angst and hurt/comfort as Cat misses her own son and learns to love another. feeding him and keeping him warm from-#her own body while she's injured and lost and at the will of the elements of the strange new place she now considered calling home#idk I just think it'd be an interesting concept#there's something about a mother and her child being cornered by 'wolves' (in this case a stag). this has the added spice of Cat and Jon's-#dynamic. just earlier that day she could barely look at him and now she's willing to die for him. the change happened in seconds.#that was a lot of ranting in the tags. oops. anyway...#catelyn stark#jon snow#I love putting these two in harrowing. life altering. and/or traumatic situations so they can finally just be mother and son#I live for the angsty family feels#got#game of thrones#asoiaf
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splatoon team me with people who can get past the first wave in salmon run challenge impossible. how did yall even get to profreshional? just to demote me? right as im about to hit VP? im about to go down to profresh part timer aksjdhksdjfsdhf
#no hate to anyone i have teamed up with where we have been crew wiped or low quota i am just very frustrated right now#because the comfort game isnt comforting very well#sobs#i know yall try your best but i am#aksjdhkdfjheugheigh#explodes#breathing rn#miles posts#salmon run#splatoon 3
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Note
Please leave the fandom.
Please block me, mute me, whatever, and stop sending me shit.
Look, because you seem to be struggling, try this.
It's a web extension. You can mute any words with this and it will no longer be on your dashboard, for you, or hashtags you follow, gone!
That includes usernames, so if you throw in my username, you won't even have to see people mentioning me!
It's great, I love that extension, and if it makes you leave me alone, I'll love it even more!
(I'm assuming this is the same person sending me all the other stuff, I don't know, either way, if you don't want to see me in the fandom, that's your solution. Sending anonymous hate is childish. Especially given the amount of hate went up tenfold when I admitted to having anxiety like, I know you're trying to cause harm, but why? I cannot wrap my head around that... It's... I don't get it.)
#ask answered#rambling#rambles#taking deep breaths and stroking the cat#I think the cat senses my anger and is trying to ease it as she's sat on my lap purring despite the heat#seriously though#tumblr saviour is amazing#not just for hateful individuals#but it allows me to avoid spoilers and all sorts#amazing#also if your reaction to not liking somebody is sending hate FUCK you#I am angry#I'm not easy to make angry but I am angry right now#not even sad just angry
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oph, hey anxiety ✌️
#wonderful#lovely#hate that#*heavy breathing*#yep yep cool totally#sorry#just sorta venting a bit#yeah ofc naturally#youre allowed this behavior but im not <3 got itttttt thanks#like obviously sure whatever i get it#but also#you do you realize the absolute hypocrisy right? like? you see it right?#you understand how often you do this to me?? and now you're mad that it happened to you?? once??#in a situation where a lot was happening??#like yeah babe it happens <3 sometimes you get ignored or (more accurately) you speak and people dont hear you#or people speak at the same time and only one gets a response#im sorry honey i grew up youngest of 6 kids. as an introvert with severe social anxiety. like.#you will get ignored sometimes. life moves on. you aren't going to die from it.#*DEEP BREATHS*#sorry sorry. like i said i just kinda need to get this out of my system.#so that i don't blow up at her or either of my sisters.#bc babe. honey. really?#shh ac
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it’s finally getting cold enough that i can bring my cardigan collection back into rotation without feeling like i’m gonna melt into a puddle the second i step outside!!!
#Seven.txt#my face#i have rematerialized back out of the void to once again make my once-in-a-blue-moon selfie & life update post#i’m running on 4 hours of restless sleep and the single banana i ate for lunch earlier today. let’s do this#hrrrrg i hate the lighting in my bathroom but i refuse to take pictures in the absolute Mental Illness Disaster Zone™️ that is my bedroom#anyways. got diagnosed with Mystery Pain Syndrome at the dentist today. so now i take ✨steroids✨#the less funny explanation is that my tooth still hurts with pressure nearly a month post-root canal and That’s Not Good#so we’re trying some new medications to see if that fixes it. and if not then who knows. root canal pt.2 the sequel. or extraction. sigh#and so the Dental Saga continues. todays visit went quite well in spite of the unforeseen mystery pain delaying the tooth-shaving plans#we had some time to kill so he managed to fill some of my other tiny cavities while i was there today so that’s good#okay moving on. what else. uhh. OH they finally came out and ran the fiber to the house last week!!! now i’m just waiting on one more-#-guy to come and finish the interior install and the long awaited fast internet will finally be mine eheheheheeeee#now i can feel my hours upon hours of unedited gameplay footage breathing down my neck :)#man i’ve got so much stuff piled up right now. i’m drowning in Tasks and it’s a lil overwhelming but i’ll handle it all! eventually#uhhhhm my current writing project is coming along well! i’ve never put so much time and effort into a oneshot before in my life#its a labor of love though and i think i’m gonna be really proud of myself (and the fic) once it’s complete#even if no one reads it bc it’s so goddamn self indulgent and kinda lowkey throws canon out the window but like. fuck it!#if i want Astarion to write a song on piano and perform it for me while mentally taking me on a trip down memory lane. then so be it#fr though i’ve never written anything quite like this and i rlly want to do it justice. even if its unrealistic i still want it to be Good#in other news i received word that one of the chickens i sponsor at my local Gentle Barn has passed away so i had a lil cry abt that#i feel so bad for his little tiny chicken wife. they obviously loved each other and it’s like. so sad when one half of an old couple dies#like. she pulled him out of his depression after his 1st wife died. now who’s gonna be there to pull Her out…#anyways let’s not get all sad about that again. in happier news my cat who i presumed died/got killed has returned home uninjured!!!#after that huge stray dog chased her into the woods i thought we’d never find or see her again#but then the morning after i started grieving her she showed back up hungry as hell yet completely unharmed like the enigma that she is#so that’s one definite highlight from earlier this month. uhh what else. rapid fire summary of the past few weeks let’s go-#Jersey turned 10! Bullet turned 10! my 6 year Veganniversary happened! i’m approaching 700 days on DuoLingo!#i’ve written more than 20 thousand words! i’ve been facing some fears! fighting my OCD! taking care of myself! (kinda!)#anyways things are far from being all sunshine and roses around here but i’m trying to focus on the good stuff for the most part#for now tho i have a headache and have reached 30 tags so it’s time to go shovel some mashed potatoes into my mouth :)
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I really need to stop hating the sound of my own voice, it's both personally distressing and getting in the way of the whole 'Streaming' plan.
#or I find a good voice modulator or something#I don't know what I'm doing right now#ugh... and I just bought my mic / headset too#deep breaths... be confident... people won't hate you just because your voice's a little weird
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