#i keep reading through this and it sounds whiny I DONT MEAN IT LIKE THAT

[aritany]

i can’t understand what possesses people to be publicly mean about other people’s writing.

this isn’t a “stop it, you’re hurting my feelings :(” post due to recent events, either—i don’t care. say what you want, opinions are opinions and i’m not trying to stifle anyone.

i just genuinely don’t get the purpose of trashing anybody’s writing. is it to warn people off of spending money on a book they didn’t like? that’s the ONLY thing i can think of that has a real constructive purpose, otherwise it just makes me squint. are you just mean? is that all it is?

[saffricatrice]

this is highly different from the usual posts i make, but im only posting this because i don;t have. anywhere else to really say it normally and in a way that doesnt seem like im purposely making the people around me discomforted. regular posting will go back after this, but for this vent post specifically tw for: mentions of (almost) sucide attempts and suicidal thoughts

i almost attempted quite a few nights ago. almost. i had the knife in my hand but pussied out last second. i'm glad i did. i thoguht the worst period of my life was roughyl around 13 to 15 or so, but even though i did have suicidal thoughts then and hid it all up with whimsy, i never got this close to an attempt. i don't know why i tried this, i don't want to die, i want to live and be happy and i am still trying to be happy and hopeful despite all of this, i am trying to be optimistic but i suppose despite my current belief (or something im trying to turn into a genuine belief) that my life is worth something, i guess i am just havig Quite The Year right now.

i want to live, you know, and i will live, im sure of that, i guess that one moment was a odd one off thing, if that makes sense. i know i will make it through whatever im going through, and i have a strong reason to keep on living --- it's for the people that i love, mainly, my friends. i don't want them to ever have to miss me, or to ever stay awake in bed during late night crying about my suicide. i want to die of old age, i want to be there for the people i love, my life really is just other people and honestly, i think any reason to live is a good reason to live, as long as it makes you happy and improtantly alive.

i am the most loved ive ever been in my current friendgroup (but i don't think they deserve to hear me vent about uncomfortable topics nor would they want to me which is understandable), i think, but "home" has been horrible. i don't know what to do with myself, everytime im out i dread going home, i don't think i've ever past a day without crying at least once, or getting irrationally angry at something minor. and things have happened in the past also affected the way i think, you know. sometimes i don't believe the love my friends have for me, even though i also at the same time i know its true. i know i deserve to be loved and i will do anything to be loved and in turn i love all my friends like they're my entire world, but it feels like my brain is at war with itself, one side being stupid irrational thoughts and actual logic. i often have breakdowns about "not being anyones best friend", and whenever i vent about this to a friend of mine, theyre always like "ur my best friend!!" and i want to believe them so badly and i kind of DO but i also don't, some annoying part of me just thinks theyre just... saying that. i suppose. its kind of silly to believe i was born a person, sometimes i feel like a vortex, always hungry for love, craving more than what im given. this is such a long paragraph already but i havent even describe the extent of my emotionality, which tbh i rather would not do. i already said too much anywyas. but also little enough taht i just sound like a whiny little bitch, tbh.

i dont know why i said so much, i think it was another attempt to make the few people that read this not worry much about me trying to attempt suicide again. but yeah, i was having a Time. god this barely makes sense lol. thanks for anyone who read tho no ones obligated to respond or interact. i got over it, it was a few days ago anyways. jus had to say it somewhere without making thigns in the friendgroup feel uncomforyable.

sometimes i wish i didnt live but im so fucking glad i did

sorry for this post you lot, promise thisll be the only one. love you guys even if i barely know u. i dont mean to sound like an attention seeker, i just need to say it somewhere, i guess. god i sound so stipid lmfao

[waluijoe]

i have this Thing where i ,,,, feel like i am TooMuch as person w too many interests who lie in too many different places, with too many ways to think & talk & feel, and above this all the crown is that i HATE being perceived but i want to talk&learn so badly. 

ive found that in relationships of any kind this could be difficult to deal w... it creates this thing where pple might think i’m extremely intelligent&resourceful&passionate so they idealize me and they will listen but they won’t participate. then i start feeling like i should be a little less so i can stop being intimidating & they can start sharing too. then i never know how to be fully myself again because i’ve understood that if i was, it meant facing disconnect. like, they’ll think they can’t add anything to the convo and 1) not speak, therefore, i feel lonely 2) ignore me entirely (on apps mostly) so somebody else can deal w me instead like im a bother 3) pretend they listen/care but only answer in questions & never actually find meaning in what i say or try to dig deeper into it 4) listen, truly, and keep my ideas w them, and speak those ideas to other pple but never actually follow through much with me by adding to the convo later on or in the moment etc 

or, pple might be judgemental. so then i hide little parts, i hide interests, i speak of them a Little bit because i don’t wanna lie or be a different person, but i never really dig into what i wanna talk abt half as much as i truly want to because i know it won’t be met well. so then i start having this unconscious lists of topics that are palatable depending on who’s in front of me. and i adapt. 

or, i start compartmentalizing my own fkcing personnality. my own interests. can’t talk abt this here, thats fine, i’ll create a twitter specifically for that one thing. oh but now, i wanna talk abt That other thing, slightly linked, but different, maybe thats too chaotic to add here, maybe it doesnt fit, maybe pple will perceive too much, i should create Another twitter for This specific thing ? or maybe i should just not talk abt it. yeah. sounds good too. i have literally 4 tumblrs, 3 different twitters, just so i can safely spread out my interests becos one day i’ll feel like speaking a bit more personnally, the next i’ll feel like “no i should only speak abt the topic when i have meaningful things to say or else i sound DUMB and whiny and pple will see i have feelings that arent greatly worded analysis” im so fkcing HHHH i feel like i won’t let myself exist as a full person ANYWHERE because i keep seeing Other pple and they seem like theyre put together and they only speak One way, they only have Specific likes, they know the social clues, the social contexts, the workings of things, and they fit into it. i dont understand Shit abt anything.. worse, i do, but i don’t fit in and i don’t know how other pple do, and i can’t bring myself to commit to the rules & the fitting in because it makes me feel like a liar. 

maybe i should just Not give a fuck and create a space where i can say whatevr the fuck i want and it wld not matter at all, but i would feel too bad for that if someone perceived it. if im alone, like here, it doesnt mtter, no one reads this. but if i mention a band i like, suddenly my brainworms activate like “if pple search this band, THEY WILL KNWO WHAT U SAID, they will its YOU, theyll think you’re a fkcing PRICK or DERANGED” like okay.. what abt existing huh. you wrong footed fuck. im so tired. i wanna find a meaningful space or some type of freedom but i never feel,,, satisfied. i never feel home anywhere. i never feel home within myself, i hate that pple might see that. 

[mental-health-advice]

trigger warning for not wanting to live, trans struggles, self hatred

sorry that this is super long and whiny, no pressure to respond but thank you a lot if you do!

hello there! I'm currently unable to access therapy so I can't get diagnosed. I was already diagnosed with a sensory disorder as a child and general anxiety. I know I can't self diagnose but I want to better understand what's going on with myself and at least have an idea. Throughout my life I've felt really badly depressed. I can't remember the last time I wasn't depressed, it must have been when I was really young. The depression never goes away. It is occasionally less severe but only when I'm escaping reality. I'm transgender and I am not out to most people. I can't stop thinking obsessively about getting surgery. I fear deeply that I've been influenced somehow to feel transgender, because I don't usually feel a want with such conviction. I am never decisive, I always doubt myself, but I am so sure about how badly I need surgery that it scares me. The fact that I physically cannot stop myself from thinking about it is really concerning. My life is falling apart around me, I'm constantly failing and losing everything, and all I can think about is this daydream of getting surgery instead of fixing my life. I'm scared that I don't really want surgery and that I'm actually just telling myself that when I get surgery I will be able to fight my depression. I fear that I'm lying to myself about needing something to make it better when nothing can really heal me from depression. I understand that it won't just go away, but I want surgery so badly that I feel like it is the end goal so I can start living. It is the only thing that keeps me alive sometimes is the idea that I can do it one day and live my life and cope with depression. Sometimes I feel happiness for a second and it makes me so uncomfortable and scared because it's so foreign to me. I feel so alone. I have always felt so awful and sick about myself in every way. I don't even understand fully why I feel like I'm transgender. I know I've always hated my body and wanted to be a different gender, but I wonder if I am not trans and I actually just have self hatred problems. Inside I really do want someone to tell me, yes it's okay to be transgender and you're not wrong, go get surgery and then you'll be able to live your life. But not only is that confirmation bias ridden, wanting to hear validation so I run away from any transphobia, but. I also worry deeply that I will get surgery and then remain just as depressed because I am the problem. I feel like I am the reason my life falls apart. I dropped out of college 2 years ago and left my job and i tried going back to school but i failed my classes. I am living with my family again and I work for them but I don't really get paid enough to save anything. I'm too depressed to think of what i want to do in the future even though they ask me all the time what my plan is now that i failed again. I cant talk honestly to them about any of this. Im so scared of it i have constant nightmares about them knowing anything about me. I try to stay positive but i feel broken and useless. i am failing in every way. i dont know what to do im really desperate. Thank you a lot for being here for people.

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you can’t access therapy. I do hope this will become a possibility in the future, so that you can get properly diagnosed, but most of all, so that you can get the treatment you need and deserve. Like you might know, we don’t promote self-diagnosis for the reasons listed here. However, we do think it’s good to be aware of your own symptoms and try to understand them better.

I’ve personally been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia). This is when your depression lasts longer than two years. Throughout dealing with PDD, there can be major depressive episodes, since the depression with PDD tends to be slightly lighter / not as heavy. A different term for PDD is chronic depression, which I personally found really scary because I felt like it’d mean it’d never stop. The term chronic here is meant more as in ‘long term’, rather than ‘forever’.

It sounds like you see surgery as a chance for your depression to fall away. While I do think that you can feel better after surgery, feel more like yourself, I doubt that not having had surgery yet is the sole cause of your depression. It’s usually more complicated than that. So it can be tricky to expect so much of it, because then you can only be disappointed and I wouldn’t want you to have to go through that.

It also sounds like daydreaming about your surgery, is something that holds you up. It helps you manage your current mental state. And I’d say that’s okay! We all need something to keep us up, to escape the reality of mental health struggles. Of course you do need to face it from time to time, but you can’t do that all the time. You need an escape sometimes. So if that escape is daydreaming about surgery, I don’t want to take that away from you! I have my escape too, I read a lot of books where I can escape into different worlds.

Feeling depressed can become a security blanket too. It’s a familiar feeling. You know what it’s like. So then when you feel happiness, or at least a bit happier than usually, it’s scary. You don’t recognise that feeling. It’s completely new to you. So it feels uncomfortable and you try to get back to feeling depressed, because at least you know that feeling.

I can’t look inside your head, so I can’t tell you whether you’re transgender or not. But I can tell you that it’s completely okay to be transgender! You mention that you’ve always wanted to be a different gender, which sounds completely valid to me! Even if you hadn’t felt that way always, you could still be transgender. It’s okay to be transgender, it’s okay to want surgery. But I don’t know if it’s fair to expect to be able to live your life without depression afterwards.

Sometimes, thinking about the future can be too overwhelming. That’s what I find at least! I dropped out of uni and have been working ever since, but if I think about the future and going back to uni, I get overwhelmed. So I try to focus on the present. I’m working now and that’s okay. It’s okay for where I’m at right now. If I manage to feel better mental health wise, then maybe I can think about going to uni again. But right now that isn’t doable, so I don’t consider it. Do you think this approach might be helpful for you too?

I hope this helped at least a little bit! If there’s anything else we can do to help, please let us know.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[bitegore]

I am picking up the last book I need for the licanius trilogy I'm so excited!!!! Any tips? Should I clear out time to read these because I won't be able to stop?

:0!!!!!!!!

1) definitely clear out time; at the very least, they’re giant fucking bricks of books and theres a lot of information in them

2) heheheheee have you started reading yet? because if you have not i highly recommend keeping a tally of all the cryptic references to weird shit. i really do. it gets very exciting later when you’re like ‘wait what the fuck was that’ and you go back and it WAS in fact a thing that already got revealed! and now you have the information to understand *what* was revealed! the last book is especially good for this. 10/10, best experience from the book, highly recommend

3) the beginning of the first book drags for however long it takes for the penny to drop. i am not going to say *what* that is, only that it happens really fast and as soon as its done everything picks up and you’re just like “oh shit what”. for me it takes me like twenty minutes to get through this bit, which means it’s probably like the first 75-to-100 pages but like, it’s fine. if you could read harry potter you’ll probably even enjoy it, i know i did even though i was like “ooookay. can we get the show on the road” lol. the second book drags a lot, but there’s nothing to be done about that except get through it, so i would plan to take breaks during that one and like have snacks and stuff. and the third book is great because even the parts that are kind of bland are still like “here is a thing. you know this thing. you will now totally reorient all of your information about this thing because we are revealing the Deep Secrets. have fun :3″ so even the draggy bits don’t like, feel like they’re dragging. ultimately it suffers from ‘it’s my first pro novel trilogy and i don’t quite know what i’m doing’ syndrome, but not terribly, and it is a good reading experience

4) expect to not like some of the main characters immediately but then fall in love with them later. i remember really finding asha boring and whiny at first but she gets very, very very very cool. ditto for wirr and also davian iirc? i dont know, if i remember right i always kind of liked davian but they start out as rule-abiding teens and they take a bit to shake it. the supporting cast more than makes up for it though. everyone is cool and interesting and has secrets and it is great

5) tell me when caeden appears >:3 you have to >:3

6) oh theres a weird name thing where one weird fancy word sounds much likee another weird fancy word that someone keeps getting called. that is not an accident. this series doesnt really do accidents when it comes to the worldbuilding. trust me.

of course if you’ve read the other two disregard this, i wasnt sure.

and then of course!!! when you have read them!! if you enjoyed them!! come yell about them with me i will be PSYCHED to!!!

[xianglingslesbian]

spiderzuki hehehehhe and the extras for uhm ewbts!!!!!

EHEHEHE SEB KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT TO ASK <33 it got long so CUT

spider-zuki

izuki is spider-man. hanamiya is his whiny sidekick who eats spiderwebs. also izuriko bc i’m Like That TM

see this AU cannot be put in words so i’m going to add snippets:

“So...” Izuki said slowly. “You... you... know. About... my thing.”

Hanamiya nodded, still glaring. “I wanted it, you rheum-covered piece of excreta.”

That’s him, Officer! yelled the tiny spider in his head. That’s the web-eating fucker! And by the way, my name is Kumo.

“The web-eating what,” Izuki said out loud. “Also, that’s a pretty good pun.”

Fucker! Haven’t you ever heard a swear word?! And yes, it is.

“Are you talking to your spide-kick?!” Hanamiya demanded. “What’s he saying?! And how the fuck do you know I eat webs?!”

”My what.”

Don’t fucking gender me! snapped Kumo in Izuki’s head. Izuki ignored it (them?) in favour of Hanamiya’s last words sinking in.

How the fuck do you know I eat webs?!

“You eat what now?!” he shrieked.

“Webs. Keep up, eagle boy, or you’re never gonna make a good Spider-Man.”

“A good what?”

“Is this entire conversation going to be just you saying, ‘what?’, or...” Hanamiya examined his nails. Kumo remained suspiciously silent save for something that sounded a little too much like a snort.

Izuki had never wanted to punch anyone so much in his whole life.

Izuki, 23.07: Hanamiya Fucking Makoto

Izuki, 23.07: did you fucking fill the Oreos with spiderwebs again

Izuki, 23.07: I BITE INTO A COOKIE WHILE STUDYING AND I FIND SPIDERWEBS, YOU GODDAMN TURD

Izuki, 23.07: I NEEDED THE SUGAR RUSH AND INSTEAD I GET WEBS

Izuki, 23.07: I KNOW YOU’RE ONLINE

Hanamiya: read 23.07

Izuki, 23.09: FUCKING ANSWER ME YOU LITTLE BASTARD

Izuki, 23.09: YOU WEB CRAPPER

Izuki, 23.09: YOU SPIDER FETISHMAN

Hanamiya, 23.09: ...that last one... I’m listening...

Hanamiya, 23.10: also, thats a total of 300 yen to the swear jar, you little rapscallion :3

Izuki, 23.10: FUCKING FUCK YOU

Hanamiya, 23.10: that’s another 200~

--

Izuki, 23.11: Hey Coach?

Izuki, 23.11: I finally get what it’s like to be the one with common sense

Riko, 23.11: <3

”What the fuck is Hanamiya doing here?” asked Hyuuga incredulously. Izuki shrugged.

“He’s my pet cryptid. He likes eating webs and stuff.”

“It’s pet arachnid,” corrected Hanamiya wearily, “get it right.”

Izuki nodded. Hyuuga blinked. Then blinked again.

“Please tell me I misheard you. Both of you.”

Izuki grimaced. Hanamiya smiled happily. It was the most terrifying thing Hyuuga had ever seen.

"I kin shpiders," said Hanamiya through a mouthful of web. Izuki eyed him doubtfully. 

Sure, if we ate our own webs, said Kumo in his mind. Izuki ignored the tiny spider and continued to look at Hanamiya with doubt and some worry.

"That could be toxic." 

"Eagle boy, the only toxic bitch in this room is me. Got it?" 

“Technically I’m Spider-boy now,” Izuki pointed out, and Hanamiya turned purple.

“DON’T FUCKING REMIND ME--”

"Who am I kidding, Hanamiya? I'm not a hero." Izuki let out a soft, derisive laugh, staring at his hands. "I'm just a teenage boy who got bitten by a radioactive spider and can do some stuff because of it. I'm just a background piece... I can't be hero material. I'm not brave, or strong, or valiant, or even cool. I make stupid puns and I'm not even good at the things I love. I can stick to things and I'm stronger than I used to be. That doesn't make me what I thought I could be. But then again, I've always been a bit of a delusional fool." His voice dropped, soft and low and sad, and his eyes were glistening with tears.

holy shit that went from 0 - 100 real fast anyway hope u enjoyed the cRaCk

ewbts extras

ok buckle in bc there are quite a few of these

best served cold - himuro, and his thoughts after the yousen match and after he [spoiler for ewbts] calls izuki

and you keep running like the sky is falling - the hyuuga-izuki fight *cries* it’s pretty nasty and awful. it’s actually a deleted scene from the verrrrry first draft of ewbts so it never made it onto ao3 but i liked it enough to keep it! i need to highkey edit and polish, and lengthen too, tho ;w;

shenpointigans - izuki/takao/kasamatsu groupchat. lowkey inspired by @moriizuki's pg for pretty gay as many of my chatfics are tbh it’s a work of art

they call me a snacc bc im a taco, 03.37: do you guys think stars have feelings

eagle-i, 03.37: its 3 fucking am, blocked

they call me a snacc bc im a taco, 03.38: then why are you up

eagle-i, 03.38: the gd notifs

eagle-i, 03.38: no-tifications. im turning them off and go to sleep or i’ll kill you

they call me a snacc bc im a taco, 03.39: ...how do you manage to make such shitty puns even when someone wakes you up

they call me a snacc bc im a taco, 03.39: shun senpai?

--

kasamatsu, 07.49: why are you up at 3am don’t you know 8 hours of sleep is important for teens

eagle-i, 07.50: YES KASAMOMTSU SENPAI IS RITE

eagle-i, 07.50: and did you just call my puns shitty

they call me a snacc bc im a taco, 07.53: i did. i shit you not. im sorry shun senpai dont kill me

eagle-i, 07.54: ......................forgiven

kasamatsu, 08.00: i am not a mom

eagle-i, 08.01: ok mom

they call me a snacc bc im a taco, 08.01: ok mom

kasamatsu, 08.02: i hate you kids so much

eagle-i changed kasamatsu’s nickname to certified mom

certified mom, 08.03: fuck

certified mom, 08.04: and also takao i dont think a ball of gas can have feelings but whatever makes u happy ig

they call me a snacc bc im a taco, 08.05: wow thats mean

eagle-i, 08.06: hey kazu i think stars have feelings!

they call me a snacc bc im a taco, 08.06: rlly?!?!? ur the best

eagle-i, 08.07: yes. feelings. particularly. burning desire

eagle-i, 08.07: geddit. burning

they call me a snacc bc im a taco, 08.08: .....i hate you 

certified mom, 08.08: i dont get it

certified mom, 08.08: didnt you just say you loved izuki half a minute ago takao?

they call me a snacc bc im a taco, 08.09: never change kasa senpai, never change

and yeah thats it!! i do have a couple more extras in mind but i havent made docs for them yet so they’re unlisted <3 thanks for the ask!!!

[many-gay-magpies]

Smh i should really stop talking to my mom about anxiety/mental stuff because every time it only makes me feel worse

I love my mom a lot but like . sometimes there are just things that get on my nerves even though i love her. I kinda feel bad because like she tries so hard to understand and says she understands and I know she DOES to a degree so I feel bad for lowkey thinking like the whiny teenager all like "yOu DoN't UnDeRsTaNd Me" sometimes, y'know? Like the bottom line is our brains just work really really differently a lot of the time and she either wants to believe or genuinely believes that they dont

Every time I talk to her about my (non-clinical, probably) anxiety and what caused it (this girl bullying me for six years) she goes on to mention all the ways she was bullied as a kid and all the terrible shit she's gone through to say in the end "so I understand" when like all of that shit is way different from my experience so every time she says it inside I'm just like "yes but actually no"

Like, today i was talking about my bully to her and how I've started realizing that all my responses now are responses i was forced to give as a kid because of the situation i was in with my bully, and she went in depth and told me (all stuff she had already told me about before and also when i had been talking about my anxiety stuffs before) about how her mom forced her to sleep in curlers so she would have banana curls and made her wear dresses and how she got mugged really bad when she was older and all this stuff that is very valid trauma and sucks ass and i thank her for trying to understand me but at the same time all the shit that happened to her was surface level. Neither of us could control what was happening to us, because her mom made her dress like that and I couldn't just make this girl suddenly not have issues, but like a dress is still something you can change??? Take off??? Like it isnt attatched to you as a person. I cant change the fact that i exist, which this girl bullying me apparently hated me for. To her my existence was just like "oh i must hurt this person" not because of what i wore, what i looked like, etc etc.

She also kept subtly bringing up the fact that i had never been PHYSICALLY hurt by my bully and implying that because she HAD her pain was worse and i could have had it worse if my bully physically hurt me and ACTED on the threats to hurt me (which my mom's bullies did) and while yes that was true . My bully didn't threaten to physically hurt me at all so there were no threats TO act on she just talked to me like i was shit all the time and beat my self esteem about my personality into a meaningless pulp . I kind of wanted to scream in my moms face "YOUR PAIN WAS MOSTLY PHYSICAL WHILE MINE WAS EMOTIONAL, BOTH ARE VALID AND DIFFERENT" but i know she does know that-- but maybe it would have gotten the point across idk

I wish so badly that i could just tell my mom "I dont want/need you to understand, i just need you to be here" and like i could but . I'm not there yet

(Warning ahead, I'm sorry if this gets really long but like I wanna get it off my chest before i go to sleep bcs i feel like ill sleep better if i do)

Another thing that annoys me is that??? Every time??? I say something??? Or tell her how I'm feeling at the moment??? She just asks me??? "Why?"??? And yes its good to talk about stuff but I'm trying to explain to you in a polite way why i want to leave the conversation and that its making me uncomfortable and i just want to go to bed and you just go "but why are you uncomfortable?" Or like if i tell her I'm upset and i want to stop talking about it she goes "why are you upset? I dont want you to be upset" and I'm just. I literally just said i dont want to talk about this anymore can i please leave you cant control that I'm upset about this because continuing talking to you is just going to make me more upset because no matter what way i try to explain it i cant get my points across right to you and i dont want to say you dont understand bcs thats immature but you kind of dont understand

I want to tell her "This conversation isnt having the outcome i wanted it to have and i want to leave it before it makes me more upset so that i can go think on it for later" but I'm sure if i do. that shed just go "but WHY arent you happy with the conversation tell me so i can fix it" and if i tell her blatantly what is making me unhappy (the fact that she keeps saying she understands and pouring stories of her traumas onto me to "prove" that she understands) then she's going to guilt trip me when were talking in the future by emphasizing the fact that i dont like when she talks a certain way and be all like "oh i wont tell you about my OWN experiences though because you said you don't LIKE when I DO that" and i just hhhhhh

Like every time i tell her she doesnt understand and try to explain it in a way that she WILL and it'll finally click it just. Doesn't and it makes me feel so defeated because every time i do that she just circles back around to "well i experienced all these types of trauma so i totally understand" and i appreciate the effort but that just isnt the kind of support i needed to make me feel content

And also when i was talking to her tonight i told her about a specific instance that happened in like 1rst or 4th grade where I was crying because the girl bullying me was just in one of those. Bad Moods™ where like she hated me for existing and talked to me like i was a piece of trash she had stepped in or smth and then she and a couple other kids asked me WHY I WAS CRYING and I didn't want to tell her "hey I'm crying because you keep hurting me and i dont want you to" because if i said that she would just hurt me MORE so i made up a lie on the spot and said that my parents had a small argument (I'm a sensitive kid and will cry at the barest hint of conflict between my parents so it checked out) and i was crying because of it and . Out of that ENTIRE STORY the one thing my mom zeroed in on was the fact that i told a lie that "painted my parents in a bad light"

Just. Like. Yeah. It did. But I wasn't even thinking about that at the moment?? Like it didn't even cross my mind??? The only thing i was thinking about was that i was scared and in danger and i probably would have said anything to get OUT of that danger (as fake or ill-perceived it might have been). But no, even later on after i had explained that in basically those exact words she still went back around to say "oh if it was bad enough that you told a lie about your parents to get out of it then she REALLY fucked you up"

Which??? By the way??? Is a whole other reason why i try not to talk to my mom about this shit??? Because every time i open up about it and want to have a conversation in a more logical/organized/"well here's the situation and here's what we can do about it" kind of way she always turns it around and says stuff like "damn [REDACTED] really fucked you up didn't she" and "I didn't know it was that bad"/"I didn't know it effected you that bad, you should have said something!" which. Makes me Feel Bad™, for some reason way more than my dad excitedly talking about reptile and monkey brains and how stuff that happened to us in the past is engrained into our brain and still effects us now, like instinct

She also always turns all of my stuff talking about emotions into "oh you're just a teenager" "you're pms'ing" "you'll grow out of it later"

Like one time i told her that her mind was always in the past or the future, always worrying about the past or the future, never in the present, in response to her worrying a bunch about something and how i had my mind in the present more often and her response was something along the lines of "well you're like that because you're young and a teenager, you CAN stay thinking in the present because you dont have all that stuff to worry about like an adult does, I'm an adult and i work a bunch so i constantly have stuff to worry about" and like. Yeah theres some solidity to that. But also i literally talked about that exact thing with my dad and HE said her brain was always in the past/future and never the present so I'm pretty sure its not just a teen vs adult thing

And then towards the end of this whole thing when i had finally managed to tell her "hey I'm uncomfortable in this conversation can i please leave and go to bed" and even further explained that it was because i went into this wanting to have a more casual/logic-based talk rather than an emotional discussion and . she's kind of of the mind that "why did you bring it up if you didn't want to have a deep emotional discussion about it" and I'm just HHHNNNNGGGG but also i actually DIDNT mention it, first i was mentioning how id been having sensory overload lately and how certain sounds of words hurt and then she said i should have a doctor check that out and then i said "I've been reading up on anxiety and sensory overload is a part of that so i figured that's just what it was" (bcs my dad gets sensory overload a lot too) which then ensued a ten-minute conversation about how i probably dont have clinical anxiety because mine isnt as bad as/like all the many, many people my mom has known who DO have it (throughout which i kept trying to tell her "just social anxiety exists too tho" to which she would respond "yea but u dont have these symptoms of general anxiety so i dont think u have it" and while i hope and think i dont i was just like HHHHHHH because i mean social anxiety and by social anxiety I DO NOT MEAN GENERAL ANXIETY YOU CAN HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY WITHOUT HAVING GENERAL at least i think idk i might be wrong) which i ended by saying "i probably dont have clinical anxiety but i do believe my brain has been wired to react to certain situations based on how i had to react to those situations for six years" which then lead to me talking more about my bully and my mom pretty much siphoning as much emotional vulnerability and opening up out of me as she could

And then at the end i told her "can i please leave i kind of feel like crying and i dont want to do it in front of a person at the moment" (because I haven't cried in a few months and i feel like I'm in need of a good cry tbh which in itself is something she doesnt really understand) which lead her to go "why do you feel like crying now I'm worried for you" and HHHHHHEBDJBEHNDEJHBDNEHDBEH yeah--

There's probably more i could say but I'm not going to, because its almost 1 am and while i had actually been about to sleep early at like ten she ended up roping me into an hour or two long talk about emotions, which is. Fun. And i have to get up in six hours so I'm going to go to bed. Sorry if this was a mess which I'm sure it is, i really just needed to get this out there lol

Also when i went to my dad after this to say goodnight (i actually like talking to my dad abt this stuff a lot since his brain and mine are just really similar) he gave me this lil smile and just said "deep breaths" and that made me feel better

[ain-t-bovvered]

14x14 Commentary

Special episode where a bunch of tired and caffeinated Europeans ( plus a sleepy American) scream together, and then die and try to get on with their day ( lol AS IF)

Hello and welcome:

@purpleskiesandcherrypies  (Nat)

@dean-winchesters-bacon  (Kat)  good night babe

@waywardbaby  (Zee)

@ain-t-bovvered  (Giulia)

1 2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13

Giulia: Splash

14x14 Ouroboros

Zee: Can’t relive this. With Jack

Nat: I cry

Zee&Giu: I believe in us

Nat: Fuck this

Giulia: Ok sam

Zee: I do believe in us

Giulia: I ain’t got enough coffee in my blood

Zee: The end?? How dare he?

AAAND HERE WE ARE

[ Retro French pop music plays ] IS THIS A THING NOW?

Nat: Uhh...Mexico, Ellaaaa

Zee: Giuls, thoughts??

I see no wrongdoing here. The pasta is being dump into the water while it’s boiling. Garlic! YUM. That looks like too much sauce for that much pa- let’s be honest here, once can never be have too much sauce who cares. Ok I see olive oil, yellow bell pepper ( which is the best one ok) , garlic, onions, zucchini, and I think there’s parmigian cheese and *disgusted sound* cilantro, and a body....

Nat: Well, isn't that tasty

Giulia: ...I’M HUNGRY

Zee: Strike that

Nat: Fresh liver

Giulia: THE CILANTRO GUYS ! YUCK

[SIZZLES]

Nat: NO

Oh he’s making like fried liver, that was not cheese but grated bread ok ok I see you THAT LOOKS TASTY( you forgot the flour tho ok)

Nat: I'm more grossed out by the liver than the snake

Zee: Excuse me while I barf

Theeeey’re HEEEEEERE

Nat: Ohhh... babes

Zee: Shut. The. Fuck. Up

Giulia: those look tasty too

Creepy motherfucker , who is weirdly making me tingling with his cooking skill, : time to go Felix.

Giulia&Nat: A SNACK FOR LATER

Giulia: I WISH

Nat: NO How about no, He just left his meal cooking. Could burn the house down

Giulia: yeah real rude. Killing people and burning houses down

Nat: Mmmhh...snack

Giulia: Omg Jack’s plaid coat. Jack has amazing coats game y’all.

Nat: snacks

Zee: Three of them

oh...now they are all 4 of them ?

Nat: all of them,  well, no except one

Zee: Jack is a baby

Dean has a surprisingly soft steps. 

C: Oh no

I know Cass baby, that bitch fucked up a perfectly good pasta that’s what he did.

Giulia: Dean is us

D: Yeah who just let themselves be eaten?

Giulia: I’d let myself be eaten by you 

D: My money is on witchcraft.

R: Och, you, always blaming witches

D: Cause a lot of times is witches

Rowena basically : I was minding my glorious business when you whiny bitches called to beg for my help

D: Well we’ve been chasing this guy for weeks. What’s your point

Nat: Awww...Deano calm yo tits

Nat: Dean tossing things is my kink

Zee: Kinks again Nat?

Nat: Can you blame me? I'm FINE

Giulia: Hello castiel

R: Not enough Pantera posters for one.

Dean looking almost amused

Giulia: Coughing jack is my (1) fear

Jack: I’m fINe , I’M NoT dYinG . 

Nat: yeah, right, Jack

Nat: Dean..please!

R: Darling boy, everything means something.

Giulia: Be a dear and bring the snakeskin

Sam and Rowena research date night

R: You say [high pitched voice] ‘oh it’s just some magic and you think I’d leave it at that?’

Nat: Ahh..Sam puffing his chest

R: I’m more curious about how your brother is managing to keep an archangel locked away inside his mind.

S: Because....he’s Dean [read this as Batman]

Giulia&Zee: Dean is dean

Zee&Giulia: He’s fine

Nat: DEAN IS NOT FINE

Zee: Giuls. Shut up

Giulia: Zee 🖕🏻

DATE NIGHT!!

Look at them HAAAAANDS cradling the mug.

D: You know, I got to say, I got a pretty good feeling about bringing Rowena in on this one. I think her and Sam have a chance of cracking it.

me: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

C: They do have many books.

D: Yes, they do.

Zee: Worried husband

C: Hey Dean...

D: I’m fine....

ok ok ok ...I ADORE this shot! you’ll see this often in my feed , just fyi

C: What you're doing, even just sitting here and having a cup of coffee, is a Herculean feat. I can't imagine the willpower

Giulia: hey dean. Oh how I adore how he talks  

WHAT IS THAT LOOK DEAN

[Jack dying in the bathroom]

Giulia: JACK STOP FUCKING COUGHING

[Jack spitting blood] 

me : *stares in the distance, lost in my ptsd vietnam episode*

Zee: Are you really fine?

Nat: NO OF COURSE HE ISN'T

Cas is like.... DONT U LIE TO ME, i have no right to tell you this because of a recent stupid thing I did but DON’T LIE TO MY FACE

WHAT IS THIS LOOOOOOOOOOOOOK 

Zee: That’s what I’m supposed to say

D: ...That’s what we all say

Dean’s like.... yeah ok he can read right through me.

[ starting operation ‘ let’s lower our walls’ in 3....]

[....2......]

[......1...]

Giulia: Still even more convinced that they will use michael grace on jack

Giulia: Those eye lines are ruining me

D: There's this pounding in my head. It never stops. 

Castiel’s face:

D:  Michael's in there, and he is fighting hard to get out.

D: And I can't let my guard down... not for a second.

Me: I’ll cheer to that bro

C:  Well, that is not sustainable.

Giulia: THIS SHOW IS NOT SUSTAINABLE

D: ....It's on me.

Nat: IT'S NOT FUCKING ON YOU 

C: We are here to help you.

me: *SOBS*

D: I know that, and I appreciate that. I do.

[JACK STILL DYING IN THE BATHROOM]

Nat: fuck this

Zee: That kid is gonna die in the fucking bathroom

Giulia: U FUCKER STOP

Nat: IF... IF.... IF

D: If you don’t ....

THIS LOOKS ARE KILLING ME

D: We still have plan B

Nat: Fuck plan B

Giulia: NO ONE LIKES PLAN B

Zee: Coffin Ocean Done

Nat: NOT even plan B likes Plan B

Jack’s like : yo you finished with the eye fucking and feelings sharing so I don’t feel embarrassed by you two in public? 

Castiel’s like : I’m out with two problematic kids who don’t tell me nothing

Nat: EVERYBODY'S FINE

Dean:

Giulia: We are fiNe

C: Okay, um...these killings -- it seems like there's a ritualistic quality to the crime scenes, right? It's almost liturgical.

Zee: Greek there for ya

Giulia: thank you Mr.Portokalos 

D: Ah yeah. See that one I knew.

Dean...you cute fucker I swear

J: Anyone who could do this is a monster...I mean, even if they're human.

D: Looks like Sam and Rowena have something

Nat: Sam and Rowena have something wink wink

THEY DOOOOO ? (͠≖ ͜ʖ͠≖)

D: This is like an A.V. Club presentation.

Giulia: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

J: What's an A.V. Club?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

C: It's a special group for people who do not play sports.

Giulia: I love the av club, where do I sign in?

Dean points at Cas “He’s the av club” [insert Oprah gif]

Giulia: IM DEAD

also how does Cas knows that? was that included in Metatron’s pop culture packet?

Nat: Of course he'll know

Zee: Jack is precious

R: Excuse me, boys, but this is a bit more pressing than your hilarious banter.

Excuse me Rowena , nothing is more pressing than their hilarious banter

CAS WHAT ARE U DOING , CONTROL YOUR EYEBROW

Giulia: clash of the titans. (Not gonna lie, I almost wrote clash of the tits). Just fyi

Zee&Nat: Of course you did

R: You know about Medusa?.

I’m sorry but....everyone knows about Medusa.  Ok ok this was mainly for the giggles and all because, you bet your ass that Dean would know who the fuck Medusa was, STOP MAKING DEAN THIS DUMB WHEN IT’S NOT REALISTIC.

Giulia: How caffeine is working

Nat: Because why else should the writers write this episode

Nat: Definitely...anything you want. Get on your knee. lol

Giulia: ...ooooh i can smell all the meta from here

Nat: They all gay for dick

Well Nat I guess….I mean... ...well that’s...that’s the goal

Giulia: U would all be gay for them

Nat: you not wrong

Giulia: MMMMMM

Nat: UHHHH FBI FBI

Zee: Fucking hell

Giulia: FBI FBI FBI

Nat&Giula: IS THIS AMUSING TO YOU?

Now turned on and scared Guy : No SIR

Cas: 

yeah that’s right call me Sir

Nat: Psycho penpal

Y’all my psycho text pals tho

Nat: you're not his type

Giulia: BITCH IM EVERYBODY’s TYPE

R:For the record, I don't love being included on his little hit list.

S: Apparently he can’t see angels

J: I’m not an angel

D: Close enough

C: So, if Jack and I approach Noah on our own, we -- we may surprise him.

Giulia: ABORT I DON T LIKE THAT PLAN

Zee: Happily surprised moose

Giulia: i’d get sloppy....( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Zee: I’m here for Sam’s short shirt

I’m here for them short of clothes 

R: I HAVE A PLAN

Giulia: WEE DOGGIE

Nat: OMG

Giulia: IS THAT JACK

Nat: THAT DOG IS SO SMALL IN SAM'S ARM

S: We -- We think he might have eaten something.

R: "We think"? "We think"? He means that it's my fault for not keeping an eye on the poor dear. He thinks that everything is my fault.

S: Can we not fight in front of the vet?

S: I mean, I guess it's not entirely your fault that you looked away!

R: He blames me for everything! I let his mother ride the Jet Ski one time!

WHAT IS THIS? AM I DEAD AND IN FANFIC TROPES PARADISE?

Nat: Wee Jackie Boy

Giulia: I CAN T

Zee: Sam got a dog and it’s his “son”

S: What are you doing?

R: Oh, I mean, I realize it's not...[Deep voice ]...pretending to be the FBI. [Normal voice] But there are other ways of doing things, Samuel. Plus...I thought my performance was quite magnificent.

Giulia: I NEED THOSE TWO TO FUCK 

Zee: The thermometer

Giulia: i bet he liked being a dog 

Giulia: *seeing just now Zee’s thermometer text*  THIS IS HORRIBLE TIMING

Nat: Did Jack just get something in his ass for this

Nat: YES

Zee: SO YES

J: Just wish I could've got it before she took my temperature.

Giulia: ...he took one for the team.

R: Oh, uh, a moment, Samuel. What did you do to that boy?

R: It's volatile magic, powerful, and it's stitched to him like some kind of parasite.I was curious before, but now I am worried, so I'll ask you again, Sam What did you do?

I can’t believe Rowena is lecturing Sam, and being right too

R: using dangerous, mysterious magic, regardless of the cost, that's a very on-brand me thing to do.

Nat: She's still so much shorter than him standing on the curb

Zee: Everyone is shorter than him

R: Of course, Samuel. Until very recently, I was the villain.

So I ordered this SamWitch extra spicy I guess.

Giulia: I REALLY NEED THOSE TWO TO GET IT OUT OF THEIR SYSTEM

Meanwhile scarred Jack :

Nat: That guy is creepy

Giulia: He’s so flamboyant loves every minute of it

Zee: That gorgon is a total bitch

Noah: "Helpless men" -- that's rich. No, I do eat ladies, too, but women have become so cautious lately. Must be all that finally waking up from centuries of misogynistic oppression. Good for them. Bad for you.

Nat: Ok but I like that

D: But if we cut off their head, then is more creatures gonna crawl out?

Ok but ...hey...legit question

....sam...

SAM

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

knock first , kick doors later

Zee: Enter the angel of the lord

Noah a bit turned on and scared

Nat: does he do anything else

Nat: NO fair

Noah : demi-god actually

Zee: I’m a lover not a fighter

Nat: THEN LOVE HIM

Giulia: I DON'T LIKE THIS STORY

Nat: Slapping

Zee: Oh he didn’t

Nat: NO cas

#mood  #same

Nat: wHAT

Giulia: NO , WHAT

Zee: Real pleasure

Giulia: OH SAMMY IS HANGRY

Zee: Why is he kicking their asses?

Giulia: Stop making him bump his head

Nat: MICHAEL CAN GET OUT

Zee: Fuck yeah

Giulia: YAS JACK BABY

Zee: My baby is hurt

Giulia: ALL MY BABIES ARE HURT

Zee: Swallow Cas

Zee dON’T BE NASTY

Giulia: OH CAS KNOWS

Nat: I can't even see

this is painful 

Zee: Look how precious jack is

Nat: Dean's still too tall for the bed

Giulia: IM ANXIOUS . CAS IS ANGRY

Nat: POOR JACK THO?

Sam asking Rowena what to do is making me weak.

JESUS

Giulia: GOD DAMN IT. I CHOKED . that was scary

Nat: that's what she said

Nat: Cas wants to make up for it

Giulia: THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS HAPPENING

[VIDEO] because I’m a sucker for these moments and you need to appreciate them more.

Giulia: We do too Jack

Zee: Special humans

Nat: sometimes we forget that too

Zee: Humans burn bright

Giulia: They are still human

Giulia: For a very brief time

Zee: He have to carry on

Nat: WE WILL NOT CARRY ON

Giulia: DAMN CAS

Nat: wHAT'S THE POINT

Nat: Jack has it right

Giulia: JACK IS RIGHT

Zee: It will hurt

Nat: Stop talking like that CAs

This scene is one of the best one , I can’t 

Nat: CASSSSSSSSS

Zee: Can Cas shut up already?

Giulia: IM CRYING

Giulia: MY GOD CAS

Nat: Jack calm yo tits

Giulia: JACK STOP SPIRALLING

Giulia: He s keeping the snake . LUCIFER SON IS KEEPING THE SNAKE. I DON T LIKE IT

OH....SOMEONE IS AWAKE

Nat: NO . WHAT STOP

Giulia: what is th

Zee: He woke up alright

 I KNOW WHERE I AM

Giulia: The screaming

Zee: He out

Nat: He's gone?

Giulia: OH NO. I DON T TRUST IT

Nat: NO

Giulia: DEAN DON’T PANIC

Giulia: OH SHIT

Nat: WHAT IS GOING ON

Giulia: OH FUCK

Nat: WELP MAGGIE IS GONE

Giulia: FUCK

Nat: WHAT THE FUCK

Giulia: DEAN BREATHE

Zee: Shut the fuck up

Nat: SHIT

Giulia: OH SHIT

Nat: DO YOU STILL WANT THEM TO BONE?

Nat: Michael!Rowena x Sam

Giulia: NOT NOW NAT!

Nat: SHUT UP NAT

Giulia: SHUT UP NAT .i can t watch this

Nat: Always taunting him. "come on sam, you can go harder than that, boy" .OH GOD SHUT UP NAT

Nat: FUCK YOU MICHAEL I HATE HIM SO MUCH

Zee: I fucking love him

M: It didn’t work out. It was him, not me.

Michael making promises.....DOESN’T WORK.

R: I’ll live either way

Zee: Sam is gonna off me

R: ..which makes dinner a little awkard

Giulia: GUYS I CAN T WATCH THIS

Nat: Fuck this

Nat: I'M HURT

Giulia: IM HURTING

Nat: how can americans watch it with commercial breaks?

M: Burning off your soul? You'll run out soon enough.

Giulia: i have no idea what to do

Giulia: How dare u

M: I am the commander of the host!   I am the cleanser of worlds!  I will not be challenged by a child!

You are a drama queen , that’s what you are

Nat: Of course

J: I'm not a child! I'm the son of Lucifer. I'm a Hunter. I am a Winchester!

Giulia: JACK

Zee&Nat: I am a Winchester

Nat: OH did he just swallowed Michael's grace

nat doN’T BE NASTY

Giulia: JACK IS GOING IN THAT BOX JACK IS SO GOING IN THAT BOX

J: Michael is dead

I don’t trust it

Nat: OH WINGS

Nat: I'm confused

Giulia: I DON T LIKE THIS

[after credits comments]

Giulia: PROMO. NOW

Giulia: AHAHAHA

Zee: What??!!

Giulia: NEXT EP IS GONNA BE FUN

Nat: I'm confused

Nat: Someone hold me

Zee: There there pats your back

Giulia: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT EP. IT JUST HURT ALL THE TIME .i’m sweating

Nat: I have no idea and I didn't like it

Zee: Hello. Are you new to SPN ?

Nat: What Michael is dead? Are we supposed to believe that?

Zee: No

Giulia: Jack worries me tho. And ya know the last ep of the season is called “Jack in the box”

Zee: Don’t go there

Giulia: How I cannot

Zee: Don’t know. Just don’t

Giulia: FUCK EVERYTHING THAT WAS A ROLLERCOASTER AND IM STILL ON IT

Zee: You’ll never get off

Giulia: That what he said

Zee: Stop it

Giulia: Fuck u all

And fuck spn

And dean

And sam

And cas

And fucking jack

I can t

*throw tables out the window*

.

.

.

If you want to get tagged in the future ones send an ask HERE or to @waywardbaby or a smoke signal, idk whatever I’m tired af.

TAGS: @wayward-angelgirl @destiel-honeypie     @mariekoukie6661     @dragontamerm      @closetspngirl   @rainflowermoon    @mattiecat      @bunnybaby121115  @aliaitee2   @jacks-word-of-the-day    @4evamc      @dammitsammy    @legendary-destiel  @winchesterprincessbride   @destielhoneybee   @castiellover20  @jacks-word-of-the-day @ravenhg @evvvissticante 

[turtle-steverogers]

You’re Literally Not Dying

it’s sad boy hours take some bad ralbert content im sorry idk where my usual writing vibes been

i actually wrote this for my gf cuz she wanted a sickfic cuz she’s sick rn rip her

warnings: nothing but race is a whiny bitch when he’s sick

ships: ralbert

editing: nope

Albert rubbed his eyes, letting out a frustrated sigh as he tried to focus his gaze on his computer. He’d been at the library studying for his neuro exam for five hours already and his joints were well beyond stiff. His usually sharp focusing skills were shotty and as his stomach growled audibly, he began to wonder if maybe it was time for a break. He idly picked up his third coffee cup and groaned internally when he discovered that the bitter liquid was now cold. Maybe he’d go get a fresh one from the coffee shop downstairs, and while he was at it, he could pick up a sandwich or something. Yeah, that sounded good.

All his plans were quickly squashed when his music cut out and his phone began to buzz on the table next to him. He glanced at the caller ID and found his boyfriend, Race’s, face staring back at him.

Not bothering to keep the tiredness out of his voice, he picked up, resting his chin on his hand, “Hey, what’s up.”

He immediately straightened up when what sounded like a coughing fit blared through the speakers, “Race?” he asked, his tone alarmed, “You okay?”

“Al,” Race’s raspy voice came through the speaker, “I’m dying.”

Albert resisted the urge to roll his eyes, “I doubt you’re dying, Racer, but do you need me to pick up some medicine for you? What hurts?”

“Everything.”

This time, Albert did roll his eyes at his boyfriend’s dramatics, “Want soup?”

There was a pause, then, “French onion?”

“Baby, you hate French onion soup,” Albert reasoned.

“Yeah, but my stomach is begging for it,” Race said.

“Are you going to eat it?” Albert asked, “because I’m not going to buy it if you’re not going to eat it.”

“I promise I’ll eat it,” Race pleaded, “Pretty please?”

“Alright, I’ll get you some french onion soup. Anything else?”

“Um,” He could envision Race scrunching his nose on the other side- something he always did when he was in thought, “Some apple juice maybe?”

“French onion soup and apple juice. Got it,” Albert said, tucking his phone between his ear and shoulder as he began to pack up his things, “I’ll be back within the hour, keep drinking fluids.”

“Thanks Alcatraz,” Race said, “I love you.”

“I’m only letting the fact that you called me fucking ‘Alcatraz’ go because you’re sick,” Albert said, hoisting his bag onto his back and slipping his laptop under his arm, “I love you, too, I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Kay, bye,” Race hung up and Albert pocketed his phone. He threw his many coffee cups into the trashcan on his way out of the library and made his way across the street to the campus convenient store.

He was able to find the apple juice easily and found several pre-packaged Panera soups not long after. At first it looked like they only offered broccoli cheddar and chicken noodle, but after some shifting around, he was able to find a singular cup of french onion. On his way to check out, he picked up some sudafed and theraflu for good measure, along with a couple disposable thermometers. The line to check out was annoyingly long, but within ten minutes, he was leaving the shop with a singular bag in hand. He put his hood up to combat the cold winds that had been blowing through campus in the past week and began his trek to the bus stop. The bus was already there when he approached and he jogged in order to make it on, briefly flashing his student card to the bus driver on his way to find a seat. The bus was abnormally crowded, but the journey to his apartment complex was fairly short, so Albert opted to stand. Upon arrival, the bus driver pulled up to the very front of the building, saving Albert from the prospect of having to walk through the snow that had begun to fall during the ride. He thanked the driver profusely and hurried inside, taking the elevator up to his and Race’s floor.

When he entered his apartment, it was obvious that something was off. All the lights were off and the shades were drawn. Race wasn’t at his usual place on the couch and it looked like he hadn’t gone to any of his classes considering his shoes were in the same position they had been when he left. Albert frowned, wracking his brain for any signs that Race had been sick that morning before he’d left. He had seemed fine, all things considered. But then again, Albert hadn’t really checked and Race had been half-asleep.

He kicked off his own shoes and shed his jacket, placing his backpack on a chair in the living room on his way to the kitchen, where he quickly heated up the soup and poured a tall glass of apple juice. He grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and crossed the hall to his and Race’s shared bedroom. He knocked lightly before entering and softened slightly when he took in his boyfriend, propped up on the pillows with his eyes closed.

“Hey,” he whispered and Race blinked open his eyes groggily, “I brought you the soup you wanted. How’re you feeling?”

Race reached out for the soup and Albert handed it to him, sitting on the edge of the bed as he did so. He placed a comforting hand on Race’s knee as he sipped the soup straight from the plastic cup, abandoning the spoon Albert had offered him.

“M’achey, and m’head hurts and my throat feels like someone took a fork to it and my tummy feels all weird and m’pretty sure I passed out earlier,” Race rambled, through a mouthful of onion, “But I’m fine, how are you?”

Albert hummed apologetically and motioned for Race to scoot over, then slipped under the blankets next to him. Race immediately curled into his side, “I’m sorry you got so sick, love.”

Race groaned, “Me too, it sucks. I wish I weren’t.”

“Here,” Albert said, opening a packet of the theraflu and handing Race a tablet, “Take one of these. That should help with some of the acheyness and the headache and throat ache and stuff.”

Race washed down the tablet with some apple juice, then fixed Albert with an apologetic look, “Hey, Al?”

Albert knew what was coming and bit back the urge to sigh, “You don’t want the soup, do you?”

Race shrugged sheepishly, “I do, but my tastebuds don’t.”

“That’s fine,” Albert said, taking the cup from him and putting it on the bedside table, “Finish your apple juice, though.”

Race wordlessly chugged the rest of the apple juice and handed the empty glass to Albert, who placed it next to the soup.

“M’tired,” Race declared, laying his head on Race’s chest.

“Wanna sleep?” Albert asked, subconsciously running a hand through Race’s curls. Race nodded and Albert pressed a kiss to his head.

“Alright, want me to stay?”

“I mean, yeah,” Race said, “We’re literally cuddling, would I kick you out?”

“Sometimes I don’t know with you,” Albert said, defensively, “But of course I’ll stay. Sleep now, we’ll take your temperature when you wake up. I love you.”

He could feel Race smiled against his shirt, “I love you, too.”

-

thanks for reading, chiefs

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[lesbianboy91-blog]

Wish I had privacy. But I don't. I'm being watched. And if they decide to arrest me tonight, consider how much money was spent on surveillance the entire time I was looking for a job, to arrest me the day before I would have started one.

I'll keep typing because this started last year before January. Hour after hour after day after week after month and application after application after bloody Flippin God damn another user name and password mother fuxker what the hell do you mean Walmart. Con is unavailable it was unavailable two weeks ago and the cook back there was here this morning when I came by earlier and you're telling me that you're not looking for another one?

But they're watching me smoke meth. And one time I got so stressed out that I recklessly made the comment "I'm (just) about about ready to shoot myself" to a bank representative who took it seriously thentook it too her manager who took it seriously but really they were just exercising their freedom to act retarded as if I hadn't explained to them by now a million times that I did not mean I wanted to hurt myself.

But, low and behold, a good while later ( I'd forgotten about the whole thing with the bank), I see cops approaching followed by the familiar call of "Hey James" that very seldom precedes anything but trouble despite the sincerest of my efforts to remain inconspicuous enough not to attract any attention from the police.

And so begins the saga of I dont want to kill my self part three: return of the assholes. And I know I shouldn't speak disrespectfully of law enforcement but doucebag is only that much less disrespectful and, in total seriousness, I paid my whole demographic's worth of respect during encounters with the police and we're far from being even in that department ever since what doucebag and asshole put me through. Because, apparently, a wellness check doesn't mean checking on a person's wellness. A wellness check appeanently does not consist of such interactions as, "Hey we heard you wanted to kill yourself. You okay? Oh you were just using hyperbole? Yeah chicks're never really cool with manner of expression. You should probably cut back on the metaphors. But okay man well, you take it easy"

Apparently that's not how those are supposed to work.

Instead, a wellness check means we search your bag and we pat you down and we're not convinced that you're not planning to shoot us and then yourself at the very first chance that we don't give you you sneaky little bastard you. We need to put you in the car while we figure out what the fuck we can arrest you for now go ahead and step out no you still aren't free to go why don't you tell us have you ever jerked off to a lesbian film?

Okay okay. I've been completely and totally honest up until the lesbian thing and that joke was at the risk of this story's integrity. The real question they asked ("Do you have anything illegal in your pockets") wasn't any less incriminating than asking me about the grossly unjustifiable amount of lesbian porn that I have watched would have been.

They knew I did it! And they set me up to fall victim to the situation without reminding me that I had the right to zip my lips. Lips could have used a little nudge in the Miranda bone saying, " you do have the right to not be a whiny little bitch you know"

Cuz folks, Ive heard the evidence and I can stand before God and country steadfast in my belief that no one on this earth wants to hear me talk.

But i didn't know that I had a choice in the matter and tried to get back to the precepts of this fiasco; that's damned weapon that nobody could find. And os I told them that it wasn't a weapon and I told them a little more pleadingly that I didn't want to hurt myself and the. I was practically begging that with the object in my pocket I could not hurt myself but they could hurt me badly by pressing me for it. And so, when my attempt to just kind of show them the tip of it hoping to establish the consequences before they happened, officer opera singer shatters all the glass in the auditorium with her outstanding performance e of "Is that your meth pipe!?!?!?!??? In G#. So unable to bear the weight of stupid on my face I threw it down and broke it in resignation to go quietly. And I told them and hey I'm not resisting and HEY IHMYGID OQ KW WOS DUXK CU J FUCJ FUXJ!!!!

They fucking broke me.

They broke my spirit a little bit but that's mostly in my vagina. I know without a doubt they broke ribcage. I tried to explain the eerie satisfaction of the drip inside my belly by comparing it to a massage but I have never had a massage and ultimately just sounded like a douchbag. In reality, unable to know the experience of having a miscarriage, I think it must feel something like that . My heart ached a little for time times its surely happened.

I didn't get to see an attorney. I wrote her every week and tried calling but no more than three times if only twice and when my day in court finally came and my attorney was "at a doctors appointment" I asked to proceed without her but was told that the prosecutor would not speak to me. I was summoned back to court a month and two days after that where, after fourty-five agonizing minutes I finally got to meet my dear and faithful attorney. I was ready to sign anything I could to get out of there that day so I could finally have some help from an attorney . I took the first offer they gave me and now that I finally have a case in my defense, I'm surely going to be arrested for failing to report. It's been a long month or two and as we all know, I'm not ready to go and pass the drug test. And what's more?

I still can't seem to find a fucking job.

I pled guilty to possessing Marijuana in another town. As a direct consequence of this, my liscense is suspended and I am not eligible to obtain an occupational, commercial, or otherwise provisional liscense and frankly I'm not sure if I can even ride in the vehicle. This despite my spotless driving record. I've never been stopped on a vehicle, only on foot.

So anyway, that's all there is. I still smoke meth, and since that's the only thing that fucking matters to these people I'm sure by the time you get through reading this I'll be in jail again

Wishing I could speak to an attorney.

[vivipuppy]

neil 4, 8 even though i've listened to his entire playlist, 16 bc ik u love his relationship w his moms, 20, 28, 32, 36, 44, 64, 68. brorre 6, 15, 21, 27, 33, 39, 45, 51, 57, 63, 69. moro 1, 10, 14, 22, 30, 34, 42, 46, 58. nyatalia 17, 25, 57!

Sho you madman. This is so many thank you. Im going to put these out based on the character, as to not just be a really shitty wall of text on my blog. isntead it will be 4 walls.

Neil, the Old One Warlock who, after falling from grace as the most intelligent person in the most intelligent city of the world, his paranoia and fear of the world around him turned up past 11

4) if they could learn one spell that isn’t available to them at present, which spell would it be? Neil ended as an 8th level warlock, so he never got to super high stuff. THE most neil spell is Maddening Darkness, the 8th level evocation spell. A 60 ft sphere of darkness that nothing can illuminate beyond 8th level or high spells. Filled with gibbering shrieks and mad laughter. Its not a very STRONG spell, but its a large area, and his inability to control his magic surfacing with aoe spells was a big thing for me to do with him, as well as the flavor just fitting so well.

8) 3 songs that fit them

Haha i always had so much trouble with neil's playlist. Always felt like too like... shitty whiny white boy music was so self depreciating and neil is, at his core, incapable of self depreciation. His ego is core to his character.

Still Feel by Half Alive will always be a neil song to me

Ramblings of a Lunatic by Bears in Trees is like... probably like. THE neil song to me.

And... i cant NOT include touch tone telephone right? the song that created him, despite it not really fitting him anymore? I cant not include that, its too important to creating him. He's as far away from the energies or themes of that song as possbile now, but i have to include it.

16) what are their feelings on the people who raised them? This is.... a very hard question. His moms love him, and he... loves them. But a big big part of what made him so obsessed with knowledge and the need to handle anything the collage put him through was because of them in the first place. He didnt have friends, he had them. And they pushed him to chase his dream, because it WAS his dream. He always saw that tower, and wanted to be there, because everyone who was anyone was going there. But when it became too much.... he couldnt let them down. They were his only support and he was an adult now who could see that they were getting older and unable to get out of their intense poverty that he couldnt just NOT finish his schooling. And he... he resents that. But he knows its not fair, but he still does. He loves them, but they're the only ones, so that becomes a problem. 20) which of the five senses do they rely on the most? Sound. Tell when a spell is cast, tell how many footprints, and most importantly- when he listens to peoples thoughts, thats the Only thing you can trust. Is when you sneak into their mind and hear their true thoughts. Actions cant be trusted, thats easy. He knows how to lie- everyone does, then. Sound. Just gotta open up your ears to hear more than people think they do

28) who would they kill? who would they kill for? Who? anyone, really. Which sounds crass, which sounds cold, but... neil would never take the life of an innocent unless it garunteed the saftey of more than the one he had to take. His cold logic is harsh, but in the end, the results are proven. And for who? Well... for Justice, Buck and Cho of course. He cant do what he set out to do alone, and whether they agree or even have the same goal, he knows they'll listen if he tries to make them. And together they can accomplish a lot.

32) Do they seek control? Or do they want less of it? Whoooo boy another tough one. He wants control. He needs it. But... but if he could release it completely.... thats what he REALLY wants. But... but he doesnt trust another soul as much as he trusts himself. HE can do things NOBODY else can. So HE is the one who needs control. HE must do it. Nobody else can be trusted to. But really, deep down... if he could just let go of the magic... if he could stop staring at the stars that whisper to him how small he is... he would. In a heartbeat. But he cant just let go. He has to do this. He is the only one he can trust to.

36) whats a secret that they kept? TBH NONE mmgf he's so.... he was meant to hold onto his big secret stuff of becoming a warlock for a Long time, but it kinda came out the first time it came under pressure by people he couldnt just run from. If anything, id say his ex is a sore spot, but not necessarily a SECRET he's keeping.

44) what do they need to learn? go back to 32 and read that. He needs to get off his high fucking horse. Even though hes come SO far in letting other people INTO his life, i genuienly dont know if he'll ever let go of his ego in the way he needs to. Its the only thing that protected him for the years he was alone, and even before that it was such a good thing to have people look up to you the way he did. His ego is important because without it, i genuinely think he would just... crumble and not... do... anything. And really, that would be for the best, if he could let it stay that way and find happiness as a normal person. But he cant be a normal person. He has to be Polaris Neil, Walking Encyclopedia, Book King of Stuenia. Or else who is he, if not that?

64) Do they value justice or mercy more? well Justice is the name of his friend. Also... mercy? mercy gets you nothing. Mercy is the act of not following through.Justice? yeah. Yeah the guy whos killed innocents and will kill again should be stopped. its simple mathmatics. To hurt people is wrong. So he shall stop it.

68) What was the best moment of their life? ... I mean. It... was probably being accepted into the college... the joy he felt then was amazing... he finally got what he wanted... his mothers made a delicious stew, and hugged him tightly and talked about all the memories they shared of looking at that giant tower that loomed over them, that ruled their lives in ways they couldnt control. He was going to become a part of it. Its all he ever wanted, it was going to change his life. and i mean, it did, didnt it?

[saveme-ruinme]

Boyfriend Hyungwon

A/N: this was requeeeeested bc u can do that guys idk what to write give me ideas pls thank u also nsfw ahead mostly fluff but im always too thirsty for my own good

tall lanky bf thats way too good looking

Sucks when you got your period bc you cant look at him without crying bc hes so handsome

Dunno if youre crying bc youre so happy about being with hyungwon or crying bc hes too handsome and you feel ugly

Laughs when you get like that, hugging you against his body

Always smells nice so hugging his is really nice

So is kissing him

Sometimes you will ask for a kiss or hug and hyungwon will walk up to you like hes gonna do it then will dab and walk away laughing

Always come back saying sorry tho and making it up to you so you dont punch him in the throat

boy has got some nice ass lip they are so thick and pink and are probably soft as hell

Tbh makeouts with hyungwon are something that happens often

Just sittin on his lap grinding down onto him while his tongue is in your mouth and his hands digging into your skin

This got sexual so early whoops lmao

Lets keep this goin tho

Maaaaan i feel like hyungwon would willing to try anything

Like hes not that versed in kinky shit but is down to try anything you wanna try

So do ya boy and favor and introduce him to e v e r y t h i n g bc u know hes lowkey freaky he just dont know it yet

Or he does he just hasn’t had a chance ;) ;) ;)

But when its not like that hes slow and seductive using his good looks against you to turn you to mush

Its the worst but the best thing ever

Probably enjoys making you suffer aka either teasing the shit outta you and not letting you come or overstimulating you to tears

Laughs at you begging and whining pretending like hes doing nothing wrong

Highkey loves making you choke on his cock

Nice aftercare tho

Cleans you up and hugs you close and tries to make you laugh

hes so dumb will make stupid faces at you from across the room

And you gotta make them back ofc

So you two end up looking like idiots making dumb faces at each other and giggling and anybody who happens to witness is just like ?????? What the fuck??????

Its cool just pretend like nothing happened hyungwon is good looking so no one else believes it when they see him being normal

But then ur sitting there like gdi hyungwon now i look like an idiot by myself how dare u

And hyungwons just like mmm get rekt hun ;)

Dont take him on fancy dates dont do it he looks too good and will overshadow u

I mean do it bc he looks hella good but be prepared for everybody and their mother to be looking at him and forgetting about you

Like the waitress comes up all starry eyed focussing on hyungwon asking him what he wants and just being too much

And ur sitting like mm yes can i have some fucking respect back tf away hes mine knife emoji

Hyungwon laughs but promises to eat u out when u get home for putting up with it

Naaaaappppsss

Couple naps are a thing

Its gr8 bc some days when you dont wanna go out and youre tired hyungwons like yeah lets watch movies and sleep its a date

And youre like its not a date but fine im down

I read somewhere that napping with someone builds trust so there u go nap a lot with hyungwon and he might pour his soul out to you

You gotta take care of him bc hes lowkey useless and a whiny baby

I mean he works a lot so its not entirely unwarranted its just annoying

Bc when hes sick hes like noooo im fine i dont need u to take care of me im a man i can do it

And ur like u sound like ur dying i bet u havent eaten yet bc u dont want to get out of bed

He gets quiet at that so u go over and take care of him then he turns into the worst always whining at you and asking u to do things for him and its make u like ugh i knew i shouldve just let u die

Which makes hyungwon dramatically gasp that turns into a coughing fit and when its over hes like how dare u say that look i almost died you break my heart

And ur just like hyungwon…………. oh my fucking god

But when hes not being dramatic or dumb hes being super sweet bc he takes ur relationship seriously

Like doesnt forget things at all and always surprises you with nice things bc he has very high standards he holds himself at

And ur like hyungwon its cool you dont have to try so hard i really dont mind

But hes adamant about being the perfect boyfriend so will pay for you and buy you nice things and take you on nice dates

Its almost like a dream honestly

But your fave part is when its lowkey between the two of you

Like chillin at your place eating takeout with no makeup wearing sweats and talking about everything under the sun

Those are the nicest moments bc those are the realest

No need to be attractive or act a certain way toward each other

Just two people who love each other talking from the heart

Thats the first time he said he loved you was in a situation like because you guys were just talking about your relationship

Not being overly serious or expecting anything just talking about each other saying what you liked about each other and what annoyed you

He accidentally said that he loved the way you liked his stupid side as much as his idol side bc a lot of ppl see him as a pretty face and he does enjoy it but thats not all there is too him

And ur heartbroke a little for him but then u were like wait…. u love me?

Hyungwon gets all sheepish and starts to blush like ………. yeah i guess i do

It feels like your soaring through the heavens and u yell it back at him and accidentally spill your food all over the couch squashing it between the two of you when you go to hug him

He immediately tells you he wants to break up for ruining his expensive sweatpants

You punch him on the arm

Hes kinda the type to hold in his bad feelings so u always gotta break him out of that and make him comfortable so he will tell whats wrong

Always does. May take a while but always tells you.

Once he trusts you he really does trust you

Thats when he becomes serious with you and lets you know hes in it for the long run

This highkey made me emotional

HYUNGWON IS MORE THAN A MEME AND A VISUAL OKAY GUYS HE HAS FEELINGS

AND I HAVE FEELINGS AND THEY ARE MAKING ME SAD

VOTE FOR MONSTA X I WANT THEM TO HAVE THEIR FIRST WIN

ALSO APPRECIATE HYUNGWON GIVE HIM MORE LINES

[time-2-vent]

So. This is a master post about my grandma. Some of this has already been talked about here but I posted this on my private fb and wanted to keep it here too.

.

Okay.. so. This is gonna be a long and detailed one.

Ive never had a space where I could vent about my grandma to more than just people close to me without being blamed or her finding out. The only family I have on here is my mom and im hiding this post from her for various reasons. I understand if many of you can't read all the way through this because its gonna be a lot. I just want the people around me to have a better grasp on exactly why im so depressed.

Before I start im gonna add a trigger list because there is a LOT and im probably going to be very emotional typing this. A lot of it ive never spoken about publicly.

So for a list of TW:

Emotional, physical, sexual, and animal abuse, r*pe, p*dophelia, racism, su*cide, hospitals, ableism, be******ty mention, fatshaming, weight mention, f slur.

.

.

.

.

Okay. Im going to start at when I moved in with her. She tricked my mother into signing over custody of me when I was 10. When I was 9 years old I was forced into a mental hospital after being heavily overdosed on medications meant for adults to the point I was "sitting upside down in my chairs unresponsive and talking about tranquilizers" which i have no memory of. The hospital was probably the worst experience in my entire life and I was almost murdered by one of the older kids. After getting out of there I moved in with my grandma.

Throughout my life shes said and done so many horrible things to me. She would always yell and scream about the smallest mistakes. She used to pick me up by my hair. She was just fucking horrible to me.

Around the age of 10-11 when I started going through puberty she would always make fun of the way my genitals looked. She would ask me to stretch my labia out and move it around. Specifically she would ask me to "show me your bat wings". It was fucking disgusting but as a child I thought it was just haha funny joke.

For a while I thought I just imagined that until my mom brought it up to me and how she CAUGHT HER saying that to me multiple times. So I had confirmation that I wasn't just imagining it. I once confronted her about it and she immediately started crying (ive only seen her cry 3 times in my entire life) and told me if I ever said that again she would tell everyone in my family that I was a "prostitute" and would make everyone in my family hate me, and that it was my mother who did that to me.

My mom lived with me and my grandma for a few years but eventually moved out on her own because she couldn't handle my grandmas abuse.

My grandma dated my moms r*pist, which was my moms uncle, and told my mom she never got r*ped, and said my mom only fucked him for "attention and cigarettes". My mom was 12 at the time.

My grandma told me at 15 that the "only reason you think you're trans is because you got diddled as a kid"

My grandma called me a whore when I started becoming sexually active despite her having her first child at 16.

She once told me I was "just like my father" who is a sex offender and abused me as a child. I was also forced to give my at-the-time step brothers head when I was 3-5 and was taught that it was okay.

My grandma has called me every possible name in the book. Anytime she does something wrong its automatically my fault. She told me she would believe that im trans when I showed her my dick (at 16).

Shes incredibly rude and racist, says she hates how she can't understand Asian people. She's said the n word. She's made so many "jokes" about how "aggressive" Black people are. When my cousin found out he had Black in him she said, and I quote, "I always knew he had a n***r ass" which fucking disgusted me. Shes scoffed at my mother for limping. She scoffs at anyone disabled. Always says "you wouldn't catch me looking like that in public." She would tell my mom she was faking her pain. And coincidentally of all 4 of her kids, one was born with physical deformities. she says thats not the reason why, but she gave her up for adoption. She yells at anyone standing in her way who isn't aware. She is incredibly rude when she speaks to people to the point its embarrassing.

When I hung myself earlier this year and a friend came to pick me up she was yelling at me like "Oh so you went and tattled on me didnt you? Did you say oh boo hoo shes so abusiveeee!!" As I had literally just laid passed out in the snow from hanging myself.

When she found out I hung myself she bitched about how I had her snow boots and how she would have had to climb up the hill to find my fucking body as if it were a chore. She asked me if I wanted to be cremated out of nowhere and when I said no she replied "good I didn't want to have to pick your piercings out of your dead body" when I told her she made me want to kill myself she laughed at me and said "well then you'll never survive" my first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. A few weeks ago I started carving at my throat in front of her because im so desperate for her to LISTEN to me for 5 FUCKING SECONDS. I have legitimately cried on my knees and begged her to treat me like a person time and time again. She laughs at me and turns it around to my issues. She guilt trips me and makes me think everything is my fault. She calls me disgusting for having 1 or 2 shirts on the floor. She told me to MY FACE she will never see me as trans. Misgenders me, misgenders my friends. I jokingly told her one of my cis friends was trans, and when she left she asked me "does he really have a penis?" ABOUT A WHOLE ASS CIS WOMAN. She told me she ran over and killed a dog with a broken leg to "put it out of its misery" she would always use glue traps and I told her not to tell me about it so she waits until were in public and says "yknow whenever I catch a live mouse on one of the traps I throw it into a plastic bag and then go do the litter box to suffocate it". Shes threatened to make me pay the hospital bill when I called 911 because she was unconscious. She says horrible things to me EVERY FUCKIJG DAY. She's always making everying my fault all the time and sits and smiles while I'm sobbing and pouring my heart out because im tired of the abuse. Im so fucking tired. It goes on and on and on every day of my life. I literally slit my throat in front of her and she only stopped being mean for about a week. Im so depressed and mentally ill and this is beating on me every moment of my fucking life.

In not done but im shaking and need to stop typing for now

Edit: some other notable things, when my grandpa disowned me and stopped speaking to me for over a year she told me it was probably because of how disgusting I was. And "nobody wants to be around that".

She will ask me specific random questions about specific friends and if I dont know the answer or I forgot, she goes on a tangent about how terrible of a friend I am.

When I was cutting her hair she kept telling me I was doing it wrong, so I did it her way and she hated it and told me she's glad I didn't pursue hair because im terrible at it.

When my cat was dying she originally refused to take him to the vet because he was "just gonna die anyways so I might as well let him", then gave up her cat to the vet because she was peeing but didn't wanna take responsibility for that so she lied to them and said she showed up at her door and didn't tell them her age or even her name and that was so fucking cruel.

When she starts laughing at me sometimes she'll talk to me in a whiny "baby voice" and be like awwww, waaa im so abusedddd *mocks me crying*.

And she always talks in a tone that sounds pissed off and seems confused when I feel like I'm being scolded.

She gets in my face and puts her finger in my face and backs me into corners sometimes and then when I smack her hand out of my face she says she'll put me in jail for abuse.

Oh yea and simetimes when she gets mad at me she'll be like "ok GIRL" in the middle of me talking. Like its annoying and uncalled for.

I cant believe I forgot this holy shit. Years ago (was a minor here as well) I was attacked by my neighbors dog and it knocked me down and when I got home my grandma was accusing me of be******ty and said she was "watching it fuck me" and I was so fucking disgusted and hurt.. I try to block that from my memory because it was my third dog attack and I was traumatized.

She also regularly calls her brother a F@ggot. He is the only lgbt family member (he's gay) that i have.

She regularly fatshames people while only a few feet from them. And will whisper to me about how disgusting they look.

She asks for all of my friends deadnames and gets mad when I dont answer.

"I can't be abusive because I give you a home. I could have let social services take you."

"I cant be racist because my ex husband is Black"

"You must be living in a fantasy world where you make up shit that ive done."

"Id be depressed if I stayed in bed all day too."

"I need to learn to have lower expectations for you."

"I'm starting to resent you. So ill be taking 200$ a month for rent." (She has stopped this thankfully)(edit #2, she started taking it again im gonna be here forever lmao)

When I was underweight she would say things like "you look like an aids patient." And "Are you trying to look like your mother?"

"You're a hoarder"

[rhuemis]

recently ive been struggling a lot more than usual and ive had this rising frustration directed towards myself and my situation which doesnt much translate well into how i express myself. ive just sorta been sinking into this pit that every time i feel as though ive found my footing i just fall straight back in and im finding it really hard to cope, especially with christmas coming up and some newfound self-doubt which has been breathing down my neck with everything i do

and its hard for me to find any sorta help or even emotional support with this because of my aforementioned issue with communication. everything i seem to say people take the wrong way and i honestly dont quite get what im doing wrong. i used to be a major crybaby, i’d cry at the slightest bit of resistance i found, but that also led to me being walked all over a lot but this past year ive felt that people are construing everything i try and say as either being weird or way more aggressive than intended and its giving me crazy whiplash

 and, im sure, this post will be taken as whiny, repetitive,and possibly rather irritating and all i can really say is im aware

im aware of everything i say, of my own image, of how i fall into the pecking order

i see it and its got me at a bit of a loss at the minute

im not sure quite whether its my rising paranoia or if it’s just taken me so long to notice but even the people im surrounded by in my day to day life seem to be growing tired of me and my fumbling to try and say the right thing and its getting out of control. ive been far too anxious in just normal day to day life of saying something incorrectly and mixing up what i was trying to say, or getting the tone wrong, or literally everything else that could go wrong and despite how careful im trying to be i keep ending up either floundering hopelessly in social situations or stepping on far too many toes

im tired and i want to die, my suicidal urges have been rising and dropping seemingly at random and in times like this i crave change and i get increasingly pent up if i dont have the means to do what i feel i need to do to get out of this hole. combining that with my pre-existing mental health conditions and youve got somebody who’s very drained.

i dont want to be bitter and i dont want to bring that onto the people around me.

i have things im paranoid about,things that genuinely keeps me awake at night, that could be solved or at least helped if i actually voiced them to my peers but ive botched so many regular conversations recently that im genuinely just terrified of speaking to them at all, let alone about this

like, how do you say to somebody ‘hey, my heads been telling me that you all secretly hate me, have horrible conversations about me behind my back, think im dumb, aggressive and obnoxious,and conspire against me but i know that all of this is most likely just fabricated by my own self-depreciative mentality’  without seeming: a.) manipulative b.) annoying c.) whiny d.) self-pitying e.) accusatory

how do i ensure that they know that i know that its my own fabrication and that hearing that its not what my head is telling me it is would probably be enough to at least relax enough to properly work through it? 

‘just like that!’ you probably just thought but heres the the thing, im terrible at translating any of this into verbal conversation. even if i were to just learn that phrase and repeat it i have some weird cognitive dissonance problem where i’ll say words out of order, or even just the letters in the words out of order, and then if that happened i wouldnt feel like i’d be taken seriously

and i wouldnt want to risk it being an online conversation ((Despite it being the best form of communication for me)) because my typing habits make me seem far more passive aggressive or even down right aggressive than im intending to be and i dont want to sound as though im pointing fingers as opposed to genuinely asking for help before i actually just break

i want to be able to communicate and read people well 

i want to go to the gym and change this hideous appearance that is tied directly to how people perceive me

i want to be better at the things i try to be good at and be able to kick myself into actively studying as opposed to procrastinating

i dont want to be like adam

i dont want to be like jess

i dont want to be like james

i dont want this, i dont want any of this

i wish i had the means/time/money to change everything about myself but i cant

i need help and i dont know how im gonna find it 

[notconsolation]

(when you have the time) another hiking story?🌲

(I’ve had time I’ve just been a little shit about it)

I’m not quite sure what to write about because you’ve now heard the stories i have that lend themselves most to being told. the others are mainly… experiential things? BuT. I did put on the list ‘musings on christiana’ at one point so I’m gonna scour my journal for things I’ve put in there about our least favourite (FAVOURITE) cowboy.

THis is gonna be long. if you’re a casual follower and you don’t wanna hear me ramble about my friends for a while then ciao best leave now. good GOD i can’t believe I’m sharing this shit but isn’t that what my entire online presence is. OVERSHARING, GO:

I actually originally meant I’d just write my thoughts when we met to when we parted butttt then i got curious and wanted to see how far back the first time I mention them is. Turns out it’s Sunday, February 26th 2017. the excerpt from my journal reads as follows: 

Life moves along and I spill alongside it and can’t find my own shape. Nothing fits and nothing feels good. I keep making up these paths and systems to get better but. But. I made a tumblr though. It’s 14:30 and i have done nothing today except tumblr-stalk a new favourite writer. They’re just. Aghj (incomprehensible squiggle). Can’t.

Oh my god. If only I’d known then.

Then on Tuesday, April 25th:

I’ve been thinking about my intimacy issues. It’s honestly not very comprehensible. There are people i can pick out that i absolutely love. And not because I have to. Loving someone is so much easier than wanting anything consequences of that love. I love Alessia, I love Becca, I love Avia, I love Christiana… it’s just easier? than what? who knows. It’s got me wondering, though. See, it’s got me wondering about why I love someone like i love stars and duvets and balconies and it makes me want to cry because holy shit that would feel so nice. Who knows, my guy.

Saturday, May 6th:

christiana met edy yesterday and i want to know everything. it’s beautiful and this ship has exceptionally eloquent sails.

Tuesday, May 9th:

Looks like christiana and I will definitely be meeting and I’m…… nervous. I think they wanna come with me into the wild. wow? wowow i’m…?? I think they get me well enough to not make this awkward. Not sure why I am able to trust them to accept me when…. 

Sunday, May 21st:

I got a few skulls on ebay and sent them to C. They more or less know. But I like the concept anyway

Sunday, May 28th:

my heart went too fast for a while on mandy last night so i wrote to christiana and i think we roasted tyler a little until I felt good again. Then I cuddled with someone. Can’t remember who. God I’m tired. I’m not sure I slept.

July 9th:

I’m at the Russian Chapel up the valley. My ears are so bad that my teeth hurt now. I’m still considerably ill. But! still moving on. I really fucking needed to. lovely people but… food. And somehow too much of everything else, too. OF what? Who knows. I did let C know I’m not doing so great with food, though. I hope she won’t judge. They. I don’t think they will. so at least she’s aware. They’re aware. I feel like an idiot every time I get it wrong but. Ya know, it’s just a thing I never heard or said for the first 17 years of my life because it never came up. So in my head I often subconsciously do the ‘she’ thing. Edy is solidly ‘they’. Jon is always and without hesitation ‘he’. But sometimes it takes a few tries with other people. I have no idea why

July 14th:

I’m at the station listening to a podcast on Morgan Le Fay. I’m nervous now. What will we talk about?? Internet conversation is. easy. My ears are better. I don’t know what we’ll talk about. Shit. I’mm not good at this and i care about this? They’re the kind of person that I feel like I should’ve known forever. As in, i feel like this would be the kind of friendship that was good for both people and gives something that i needed. So. I shouldnt be worried then. But? Can’t help it. I mean maybe it could help that we’re both like this. we may be able to just sit… in…. silence. that. WASN’T intentional. god. aw shit I hate me when I’m like this. is this what it is to care if someone likes you when you meet them??! God, this is awful? Is this what people usually feel how awful. How cool. I think the train’s coming in. I’m barely paying attention to the podcast

July 15th:

I feel like I talk too much. it’s not the easiest it could be but it could definitely be harder? They’re quiet and sometimes it makes me feel like I’m yelling or saying too much and oversharing. Sometimes? uhhhhh all the time but I think that might be my default setting anyway

July 17th:

Didn’t get a chance to write yesterday but! it was as approximately lovely day. Just wanted to record that

(later)

walking with someone is strange. we’re at the place we’ll sleep at now. It was gentle going getting here and I guess it’s gonna take us very little time to get back. I buy coffee and they buy bus tickets. works out. walking with someone is strange but especially given the whole nature of this trip, it’s not too weird. I think because I never got to feel alone, I don’t mind sharing it. I think they’re having an okay time? I hope they don’t regret coming. So what if this whole trip has been… not the seclusion I wanted or needed. Meeting them was still great and I wouldn’t prefer a timeline where I called the trip off. I get that feeling that I have sometimes with Alessia, as if I’m trying to entertain or something? like a part of me wants to be stilted so I have a layer in between in case they turn around and say they don’t like me. I fear I’m telling them too many things. About me, about my thought process, about random things that pop into my head. About things I know or want to know or have picked up. I fear I’m disturbing some sacred silence. Especially because I prefer silence myself. And they’re patiently waiting for me to finish. I worry a lot considering what a good time I’ve had? We ate and laughed and talked. I am so fucking relieved that bipolar occurred to them when I described my brain cause I thought i was doing my insane self-diagnosing thing. We tried horse and i couldn’t tell the difference. We saw some Big Boy Moths and birds called tits. Vultures are unremittingly ugly but i like them? there’s a certain kinship. This isn’t how it usually goes and I wish I could say that without sounding whiny

July 18th:

All my compasses say the sun rose in the north east. Slept pretty well. the sunrise was gorgeous. C said it was more comfortable than expected. It was actually really comfortable. Listen, this will sound like something it’s not but future hannah will get what i mean but honestly their eyes are so beautiful? it didn’t come across in photos. uhh that’s all.

July 19th:

We found an open door in the compound. I think we slept on someone’s office floor. We left around sunrise and had multiple coffees by the river. played so ukulele. listen, this whole thing wasn’t normal but i’m so glad we fell into what we fell into. this feels safe. There were people outside going back and forth in front of the door all night and i dont think i really slept but it was still Good. We lit a candle that slowly started to smell nice. when we left, we left a single cigarette and a licorice cough drop as thanks to the old gods. either way, we parted quickly, just a quick hug and a vague notion that we might do this again? Good.

August 7th:

I just finished the cowboy fic and never has what essentially amounts to a giant meme of beautifulness touched me so.I swear. They’re ridiculous. The cowboys and Christiana.

jesus reading back through these made me happy but also made me cringe a bit because this is what my inner monologue sounds like around people i care about a lot of the time and i sound like such a whiny anxious asshole. uhh hope you enjoy. jesuz.

[iamthechocobabe]

A True Nightmare

I figured after the Episode Ignis trailer, we all needed some Ardyn getting his ass kicked a bit (though keep in mind there’s only so much poor Mallory can do). Don’t be put off by the creepy vibes at first of the chapter, Mallory’s gonna show this asshole who’s boss by the end (and NO, not in that way guys-NOT AN ARDYN LOVE STORY, ‘member?) 

Sorry that it’s a little long, but it’s been going way too slow for me and I wanted to get the story going already. Oh well, what’s done is done, I guess. 

Tagging the Senpais: @roses-and-oceans @bespectacled-girl @nifwrites @cupnoodle-queen @themissimmortal @gladiolus-mamacitia 

A True Nightmare

~Chapter 4~ SFW Word Count: 3,885

Mallory was trying her hardest not to appear cynical as Noctis looked at the car with a forlorn look; obviously, this car meant a lot to the crowned prince and his friends seemed to understand that, but Mallory was having a hard time fighting the urge to go up to him and yell 'it's just a CAR'. 

Boys and their cars, I guess-Mallory thought. 

A far off explosion lighting up the night sky got Mallory's attention and the realization hit that they had absolutely no idea where they were. Mallory had to drive a different route to get into Gralea and she only knew the one route, but how were they supposed to find their way through Gralea without a map? Mallory cursed herself for not going with instinct and packing a map with her, telling herself that she knew the way and that it was just a waste of space. It was a fucking piece of paper, Mallory, you had room. 

"Where to now?" Mourning was over, apparently and the three joined Mallory as she stared at a street sign, trying to get her bearings. As if sensing her confusion, Ignis spoke with a slight tilt of the head to better focus his hearing. "You do know where we're going, correct?" 

"That is an excellent question," Mallory mumbled, wanting to kick herself as she tried to piece together the last time she had been to Gralea and to Zegnautus. A piece of FUCKING PAPER, Mallory, what the hell is wrong with you?

"You didn't bring a map? What kind of an 'assassin' are you?" 

"Shut up for a sec, yeah?" Mallory didn't glance at Gladio as she fished out her disposable flip phone from her backpack, shooting a quick text. Got lost, am at Crysallis Ave., how do I get to Z. from here? Closing the phone, Mallory waited, hoping and praying that the response would be quick, partially because Mallory knew if it was that she got out all right. 

"You're texting? Who are you texting?" Noctis sighed exasperatedly and tugged on a few ends of his hair. "That's it, we're dead," 

"She's a friend, and if you want to go die in a corner somewhere, by all means, please do," Mallory was beginning to lose her patience with these guys (minus Ignis, who didn't really seem too judgmental of Mallory, just observant), but ignored it when her phone buzzed and a little mail icon showed up on the front screen where the clock usually was. 

Wait where r u plz dont tell me ur in Nflhm. 

Relief flooded through; the knowledge of one of Mallory's closest friends being safe was like a thousand pound weight being dropped off. But when Mallory read the words, a bad feeling began to grow in her stomach as she responded. Didnt u get my txts

No wait There was a short pause before the texts started flooding Mallory's phone, so fast that Mallory didn't have time to read a text before another one popped up on her screen. 

mal get out serisly shits bad u need 2 go chncllrs gone crzy mts & daemons evrywhr ppl r missing

Well, this was bad-people missing and MT's roaming the streets? Mallory sensed this was a bit more than a coincidence, blowing a piece of hair from her eyes and typed as fast as she could with the old fashioned phone. cant exactly get out now am stuck need 2 get 2 Z. help me out here

A few seconds went by, Mallory tapping her foot impatiently the whole time, when the phone buzzed again. 

u die on me Mal I swear 2 Gods go on crysallis til u get 2 casey dr. go right til u get 2 train tracks follow train tracks military entrnce thre

Mallory sighed, stress and oncoming panic dropping from her shoulders as she looked at the three with new found confidence about where to go. "Head down the road," She explained the directions before they all started following, Ignis occasionally faltering as they maneuvered the road designated for shipping containers. When they reached the railroad tracks, practically destoryed with train cars and shipping containers that laid askew around the tracks, Mallory shot a quick text. Thx Ky owe u

u wont owe me if ur dead b carful

Snickering, Mallory put the phone in her backpack just as they reached a stray train car carefully and barely propped on some debris with a small gap underneath that would give the four enough crawling space. Despite how the thing looked like it was the tiniest nudge away from collapsing, Noctis was already half way under there and Mallory quickly reached forward and pulled him back. She didn't necessarily mean to make the crown prince fall on his butt, but he glared all the same. 

"What?" Noctis stood up, dusting the dirt from his pants like a little kid with a grumpy face to match. 

"MT's are probably guarding the fortress," She didn't mean to sound snippy, but this was basic shit 101 and Mallory was starting to feel more and more like a babysitter every minute. Tired and irritated, Mallory went over to a broken side ladder on the train car before gesturing to Gladio. "Give me a boost and I'll see what we're dealing with here," 

"Isn't that dangerous?" Gladio asked the question, but maybe he figured there was no point in arguing with her because he just bent down and linked his fingers together so Mallory could boost herself up to the ladder and start climbing. 

"When are you assholes going to figure out that I can take care of myself?" Grumbling was always a thing Mallory hated to do, she hated sounding whiny and grumpy. People already thought she was a grouch because of the way she looked and her naturally stern eyes, she didn't need constant bitching to help her in that department. Working with these three, she was starting to remember why she preferred working assignments and stuff by herself, only occasionally teaming up with Aranea. 

Still, Mallory had bigger things to worry about, especially when she reached the top of the traincar. 

"How many are there?" Noctis called up, but Mallory couldn't find an answer. Confusion clouded her brain as she processed what was easily the most popular entrance into the fortress, aside from the main entrance. "Mallory?" 

Shaking her head, Mallory forced herself to respond, though it came out as choked as she was trying to piece everything together. "Nothing. There's no one here," 

No one. One of the most used entrances into Zegnautus, and not a soul was in sight, no one to guard the most heavily guarded megafortress in the world. The whole thing reeked of wrong, something definitely off, but what could it be? What reason could the fortress have to possibly leave itself defenseless? 

"What's going on?" 

She was so focused that she barely noticed Noctis popping up from under the train car-just as she shouted for him to get back, Noctis had accidentally knocked into a bar, which was apparently the only thing holding the train car up, as the moment it was loose the car decided now was the time to fall. Failing to keep her footing, Mallory soon tumbled down the side of the car, winding up stuck on the ground, separated from the others by derailed train cars and shipping containers. 

"Guys?" Mallory shot up to her feet, checking around her for enemies with her gun while calling out. "Anyone?" 

There was no answer, but Mallory swore she could hear vague yelling and running feet, so she continued to yell, hoping her words would reach someone. "If you guys can hear me, head into Zegnautus-on the thirteenth floor is a common area with a cafeteria. Meet me there!" 

"On the thirteenth floor is a common area with a cafeteria. Meet me there!”

Ardyn heard his own breath inhale rather than feel it-the same thing had happened when he saw Aryelle appear on top of the train car, hearing himself suck his breath in rather than feel it. The little trick he had when he showed Aryelle the memory of how they met didn't seem to phase this Aryelle, other than seeming to confuse her, but he was determined...of what, he still wasn't quite sure. Every time he saw her, despite how she was much more stern than the Aryelle he knew, he wanted to see her, to know her, to make her see him. 

And as he stood up to head to the common area in the megafortress, his promise of so many years ago rang in his ears. You will know my redemption. 

A furious kick to the stubborn vending machine gave Mallory what she wanted, a simple can of Ebony. While she hated coffee, despised the bitter taste, the past days of being on a train to Gralea with little to no sleep due to nerves was making her exhausted. She figured she needed the extra caffeine to keep herself on her feet, she just hated the fact that the stubborn machine ate up the last of her gil without giving her what she wanted. A little kick showed that machine what, though the stinging in Mallory's ankle was making her regret her rash decision. 

The bitter taste made her want to gag, but Mallory forced it down her throat before crumbling the can and disposing of it in a recycle bin (why there was a recycle bin in the most industrial place in Niflheim, Mallory would never know). She scooted up onto a picnic bench style table and tried to force herself to relax, though the blaring red light and the rustling of daemon feet in the hallways outside was making it difficult to do so. 

She had managed to clear out the common area fairly easily, as there were only a few daemons in the room when she got there. Mallory left the big metal doors to the common area unlocked, but she would still tense anytime a scurry of feet would approach the door, then sigh with relief as the feet scurried away. But it had been almost three hours of waiting and Mallory was starting to get worried. 

More footsteps-this time, though, the foot falls were different-rather than being hasty, or sloppy (depending on the daemon on the other side), these were careful foot steps and they were definitely human. But Mallory could feel, almost know that the prince and his entourage would not have been walking so lazily down the hallway and stop casually in front of the door, neither opening it nor locking it. Just stand there-whoever this person was, Mallory had a feeling they knew she was in there. 

Reaching for her gun once again, Mallory scooted off the table and carefully placed her feet on the floor. 

Only the floor was different-the common area had grating all throughout the floor, but the floor was now suddenly smooth, like marble. The texture (or lack thereof) from the floor caused Mallory to look down, only to see grey marble flooring versus the common areas grating that looked to some of the prison cells below. 

Naturally, Mallory looked up-only she wasn't in the common area anymore. 

Red blinking lights and sirens were replaced with a peaceful and calm hallway exterior, with the same grey, old fashioned marble decorating the walls. Paintings and ceiling high windows gave the place almost a homely look and now, Mallory couldn't help but feel panic growing in her stomach. 

Mallory had been so on edge, so on the run since the train that she honestly hadn't even had time to think of the weird vision of the barn and the red haired man. Now she was forced to face the reality that maybe the stress was making her lose her mind, maybe years of taking care of Ari and constant close calls with death had finally made Mallory's mind snap. 

Foot steps-again, only behind her. They brought Mallory out of the panic and she whirled around to aim her gun behind her, only there wasn't a soul in sight. There was only the peaceful hallway and...Mallory could hear it again. The humming. A four note lullaby, the same four notes hummed over and over again and it might have been peaceful in different circumstances. 

Walking carefully down the hallway, checking behind her back every few feet to make sure no one was behind her, Mallory shouldn't have honestly noticed the paintings. But there they were and the sight made Mallory stop, partially in awe and partially in fear. 

The paintings on the walls were all the same and they were all of...Mallory? 

No, it was someone who looked just like her. Mallory's hair was the same shade of dark black, but the woman in the painting's hair was longer, stretching down to her waist in long waves. Her facial features were the same, though, with her slightly pointed nose, her heart shaped lips and high cheekbones. Of course, the eyes-the same, mysterious and deep dark green, an almost unworldly color that had been in her family for years and years. 

Mallory instinctively backed away, the woman's eyes almost following her as she tried to leave when something stopped her dead in her tracks. Eyes widening, Mallory leaned forward, positive she was seeing things. 

On the woman's wrist was what looked like a soulmate mark...but it wasn't any mark. 

It was just like Mallory's on her left shoulder, the same shape with the same points, just in a different spot. 

"Aryelle," 

That name again...looking over, Mallory saw the same red haired man again coming down the corridor, only this time he looked a little older-a little meaner too, with a confident and smug look versus the man from the barn, who was young with an easy smile who seemed almost naive. But when he met Mallory's gaze, his golden irises almost softened, though the smug smile he wore was still bitter and cold as he approached. 

When he came within five feet, Mallory instinctively back up and aimed her gun at the man, though he just chuckled at the sight of a gun aimed between his eyes. 

"How different you are now...I suppose it doesn't matter, does it?" With a long and deep sigh, the man turned to the painting and gazed with a wonder and love that only his eyes shown at the woman in the painting. "She was just like the soulmate mark on her wrist...a star. Beautiful to look at, but unattainable to the human touch," With the same look of fondness in his eyes, but still not in the rest of his face, the man touched the back of his fingers gently to the woman in the painting's face, gently stroking the canvas. 

Mallory shivered, swearing she could feel icy cold fingers against her cheek. "What's happening to me?" The whisper was more of a question for herself than anyone else, but the man turned his attention away from the painting to focus once again on her. 

"I promised that day that I would show you and everyone my redemption...at last, that day has come," With a grand sweep, the man knelt before her, his warm and loving golden irises in the cold face gazing at Mallory. She tried to shake the foggy feeling out of her mind, but she couldn't, couldn't fight the odd sense of longing in her stomach and the race of her heartbeat. She knew logically that none of this made sense, that she didn't know this man, but she still found herself crouching down beside him. She still felt her heart flutter like crazy when he grazed the back of his cold fingers along her cheek. 

"Aryelle," he whispered, inching closer and closer with each word he spoke. "My soul...my half...my star...my life..." 

He was so close that she could smell a bitter stench of cologne, could feel the hot stinking breath on her face, but she couldn't force herself to stand up. Couldn't force herself to think as he slowly closed his eyes as a single phrase chanted in her head. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. 

But she still felt her eyes closing, but was somehow able to fight the draw to close her eyes when a brilliant blue object appeared just over the man's shoulder. 

A blue feather? 

A biting cold and snowy wind almost knocked Mallory off her feet and onto her bottom, but she steadied herself with the palms of her hands as she stayed crouched. The man and the peaceful corridor was gone, but it was replaced by the whiteness of a snow storm, the cold biting into her skin and if she wasn't questioning her sanity, Mallory would have been relieved that she was wearing her winter coat. 

"What's happening to me?!?!" Mallory didn't even hear her own scream over the wind of the storm, but she was too frozen and panicked to care at this point. 

Because the image of Ari, alone in a cold and sunless world with no one to protect her, flooded Mallory's mind. The image of Ari panicking as daemon's surrounded her wouldn't leave Mallory and she screamed with no one but the wind to hear. Her sister, unable to function, now alone in this world, unable to defend herself...

Because of Mallory-her lack of sanity. While she always knew that her missions were dangerous, she always had the confidence to come back home to her sister. She figured if she did die, it would be because of a shot to the head. 

Not because she had lost her mind. 

Through the white blanket of snow and sleet, a sudden image appeared. The image waved and moved, almost like a window curtain flapping in the wind, but Mallory could clearly see snippets of something happening in the image. Almost like watching a TV, Mallory watched the red headed man make grand flourishes to King Regis, making promises of peace and tranquility, but going back to the Empire to signal the attack on Insomnia. Mallory cringed as the man bent down by the oracle with a cold and cynical look, sinking a dagger into her stomach as Lady Lunafreya's eyes went wide in pain and fear. Mallory wanted to claw her own ears out at hearing Ignis Scientia's screams of pain at being blinded by the man, his cold and smug look never once going away as he smiled like he enjoyed bringing so much pain to someone. She wanted to cry as she watched the man taunt and mock a young blonde boy as he sat on the ground and practically sobbed, though she didn't know over what. 

All that pain and misery...brought on by this man. 

A hand grabbed onto her left wrist, squeezing so tightly that the bones might snap underneath as the snow storm melted away and somehow, Mallory knew she was back in reality. The man was back, only he now appeared angry as he tightened the hold on Mallory's wrist. A blue, ethereal glow made his eyes look almost black as he tried to yank Mallory beside her, despite her resistance as she placed her palm on the cold, metal grating of the floor below her. 

"Aryelle," The man hissed, his voice dripping with the venom of a snake as a dark, oozing blackness started to appear from him. "Come to me," 

It was at that moment that Mallory realized that this man, the person from her visions, was a person of pure and horrific evil. She didn't know what he wanted with her and she didn't care, she only knew she had to escape. With quick reflexes she had learned over years of dangerous missions, she grabbed the switchblade out of her back pocket, flipped it up and sank the knife into the man's leg, right beneath his knee cap. A simple twist and pull popped the knee cap out of place, though the man didn't roar like others she had performed the trick on had. But he did flinch and hiss through his teeth, clearly in pain as Mallory left the blade forgotten in his knee and stood up to run away. 

"Mallory!" Gladiolus, Ignis and a young blonde boy, the one from the snow storm vision, appeared behind her, all of them out of breath as they looked at the man pulling the knife out of his knee. "Where's Noct?" Gladiolus asked her. 

Mallory shook her head, sure confusion was as clear on her face as it felt. "I thought he was with you guys," 

"We sent him on torwards the crystal," Ignis explained with his eyes cast ahead, not really focusing on anything due to his blindness. "We were surrounded-has he absorbed the power from the crystal yet?" 

"He's gone," 

The four turned their attention to the man as he straightened up, looking almost un-bothered now despite his knee being severely damaged. He turned and focused his smug gaze at the group, but he focused on Mallory, his body framed by the blue glow from the crystal behind him. "I'm afraid you won't be seeing your friend again for quite sometime," 

"What?" Confusion and whiplash from being jerked around from so many places in the span of what felt like less than ten minutes clouded Mallory's mind, but she didn't have time to react as Gladiolus summoned his broadsword and swung it at the man with a roar and the blonde boy shot him twice in the back, the man falling with his hat rolling casually away. 

"Die, motherfucker," The blonde boy whispered, his voice choked with tears. 

"He's not dead," the words left Mallory's mouth before she really understood them, not sure how she knew he wasn't dead. And sure enough, he wasn't, as he stood up with his fedora and placed it casually on his head before turning and looking at Mallory and she almost wanted to scream at what she saw. 

The man was almost daemon like now, the whites in his eyes now inky black and oozing, making the bright golden irises stand out in contrast. His face and skin was now pale and cracked in several places, like a broken china doll and he now looked as evil as he was. 

"You will know my redemption, Aryelle," The words were fueled with anger and bitterness, but he didn't stay to explain what it meant as he simply strolled to the elevator, leaving the four alone in one of the capitals of magitek industries. 

It felt like the air returned to the room the minute the doors to the elevator closed and Mallory gasped and began to pant, not realizing before she had been holding her breath. As she collected herself, she realized she felt something wet and thick on her hand. 

Mallory prided herself on being calm and collected even in the grimmest of situations, but when she saw the man's daemon like black and oozy blood covering her hand from where she stabbed him, the scream she let loose practically echoed throughout all of Gralea.