#i know it is cringe to post about exs online but i sort of miss them even though (disgusting tmi rant)

[dabacahin]

Revisiting

I kept a blog from 2012 to 2019. This blog. I had tried others, but they sputtered and died. This one, this accidental online scrapbook, lived beyond my expectations. This became my confessional, my soapbox, my panic room, my memory palace. In many cases I didn’t know what or how I would write until I had posted my sentences, my misgivings. One thing would lead to another. Themes or patterns would emerge from an author’s body of work. Fragments of my life would merge with strands of fiction or film. And I would find more reasons, consolations, to stick around. But I was never sure what this mixed bag would amount to.

In 2017, I began fantasizing publishing a book based on my favorite posts. “Essays from the Blog,” the subtitle would say. It may sound a bit pretentious to call them “essays,” but what the heck. A number of them were indeed deeply, shamelessly personal essays, long and introspective. Some of the more circuitous or self-indulgent pieces were even surprisingly coherent and well structured. But structure was the least of my concerns then. I never intended to write proper book reviews or movie reviews; many other people with more time and talent had been doing those. I didn’t think anything here was worth monetizing. I didn’t aim to turn any of my ramblings into something viral, legit, or woke.

Still, at some point, I thought I had written enough stuff that even years later didn’t make me cringe. Oh, sure, a lot was sentimental writing, mostly incidental babble I needed to put out there to make sense of or to calm down the chaos in my head. But I had published a poetry collection, my first book, in 2008 and even designed my own cover for that one, so why not a second book, this time an essay collection based on my blog posts? (Here’s one sample cover I made in 2017, all squiggles and splatters from my shaky hands and addled brain.)

Oh, yes, one can dream. Or, at the very least, one can revisit one’s dreams. And so it’s 2022 and I’m back, sort of. I’m here again prowling my own Tumblr pages. I’m reliving some cringey moments when I was having way too much fun (or too much sadness) posting all these words and images. I see that some links are no longer working, some references or jokes are dated, and some people (men!) have been canceled. I see so much, maybe too much, I cared about—and not enough. I see the gaps, missed opportunities, so many other writers and artists and musicians, heroes of mine, I never got to write about, people I never got to thank.

Well, I did what I could, I blogged while I could. And so now, thanks to Tumblr, I can revisit all these books I’ve read, movies I’ve watched, people I’ve loved. A math teacher. A little nephew. An ex-boyfriend. The ones who danced in The Big Chill. The one who sang “Moon River.” The one that got away. Characters in a novel that made me want to go on living. Actors and actresses who made me laugh and think. Spiritual teachers who helped me breathe. Poets who unlocked my doors. Wonder junkies. Major weepers. Old flames. New loves. Friends of my heart. Keepers of my light. “Sticking Around” was my way of thanking them all.

A few years back, when I was no longer regularly posting, a dear cousin asked me about my blog: “Is it still on? What is it about?” In an email I said: “Still there, but no longer as active. It’s mostly book quotes and excerpts. Usually at the end of each month, I’d write an essay that directly or indirectly explains why an author or theme mattered to me. I’d tell a story connecting that book or movie or topic in relation to a personal experience or a memory or a mood.”

Telling her what this blog was about, how I did whatever it was that I thought I was doing here, made me think again of that digressive, chatty, mopey voice I had adopted (or that had adopted me) for my more personal posts. It was a persona that, ten years since this blog began, I find to be both still-me and so-not-me-anymore. Which is both unsettling and comforting now that, at 59, I find myself occasionally dipping in—and dripping with—nostalgia and yet managing to climb back onto dry land and stay curious about the years to come.

In The Worst Person in the World, the acclaimed film directed and co-written by Joachim Trier, my favorite scene is a monologue delivered by the deeply empathetic Norwegian actor Anders Danielsen Lie. It’s about nostalgia. It’s about remembering a time when physical objects mattered most—the books we held in our hands, the record stores we browsed at. Now most of them are gone. But some of us keep going back to those pleasures, or to the memories of them, even when they no longer give us as much pleasure as they used to.

The man speaking in this quietly devastating moment attributes his sentimental mood to his being an old fart. Like him, I “grew up in an age without Internet and mobile phones.” Then he admits that all this looking back is also because he is terminally ill. There is no future for him. “Now I have nothing else” except “knowledge and memories of stupid, futile things nobody cares about.” He says it’s not even nostalgia, it’s fear of death.

So what kept me blogging all those seven years? And what makes me revisit this blog now? What keeps me revisiting favorite books, favorite scenes, favorite people, real or fictional? Yes, it’s nostalgia. But, no, not fear of death. It’s fear of losing sight of what matters. I think that’s why I keep coming back. More than ever, this blog reminds me of what mattered to me then and what still matters now. Maybe in the end it’s all there in these three words (coincidentally the title of my favorite Carl Jung book): memories, dreams, reflections. When the physical objects and the people I held dearly are no longer within reach, what else is there to hold on to?

Sure, nothing’s permanent. We lose the ones we love. We learn to look back and let go. We sputter, we wane. Late in life, I find this blog existing beyond the years I kept it. The words remain, if not on paper then on this screen, this blogosphere of fleeting pleasures and lingering pastimes. I may or may not be able to publish a book based on essays from this blog. Life is short, life is long, memory is tricky, reflections fade. But for now I know some dreams remain.

[queerlytical]

Unpacking my aversion to cis-het men - 08/12/2020

This is going to be a long one.  One I’m quite nervous about posting about even when I’m here anonymously!

Will probably refer to cis-het men as men/guys generally in this post btw. & the ex I refer to here is a guy I was with for 5 years which was an emotionally abusive relationship. 

I’ve recently started to challenge my feelings towards cis-het men.  Accepting that I have the judgement that all men are basically weak minded by not challenging society as it is (and therefore accepting of all the oppression), and are desperately affected by toxic masculinity.  

A small part of my brain knows that’s not true.  I have a couple of cis-het male friends who I love and are clearly not like that.  But when I think “what would be the problem if I ended up with a man in the future?” the other part of my brain immediately shuts the idea down like “why would you do such a thing?! you only like women, end of story”.  Thinking that the guys  who are open minded and unpacking their own priveleges/opinions etc. are so few and far between there is probably none left out there for me to meet.  

So I decided to challenge this notion.  And perhaps there is some underlying internal homophobia conflicting with these thoughts at the same time like “if I just gave men a chance.” or “it would be so much easier to just find a guy who is interested in me” (there is a lot underlying that quote tho - not that many wlw in my area, my personal feelings towards myself as to how cis-het men perceive me).

Along with challenging this notion, I have basically been craving to be dominated and penetrated in the bedroom, with no particular strings attached.  The people I’ve slept with this year weren’t great experiences and I just wanted someone to push me around and top me.  I know there are women who would gladly do that but the women I tend to date haven’t been like that and I’ve always been more of the top than the bottom.  I have never entertained a guy for sex where I have decided for myself that this is what’s going to happen, I’ve always been pursuaded into it (I didn’t learn about consent until the last couple of years, clearly). I wanted to feel that control.  I wanted to be the one to say, I’ve decided this this time.  And to see, how I would actually feel given that this was something I wanted and not sort of forced onto me.

I changed my Bumble search to include “everyone”.  Note that I had also ran out of women in my search radius by this stage so it was just men coming up now.  It was interesting.  I noticed that there are a lot of guy profiles that are basically the same - “where can you be found after work? the gym” or “what do you quote too much from? the office, US”.  Literally after swiping for about 10 minutes I could have written the exact same profile as like 40% of these profiles I was now faced with.  

I obviously ended up swiping left for the majority of guy profiles.  I paid more attention to the men who had kind eyes, nice smiles, beards (I love a beard strangely enough), and anything interesting in their profile.  I struggled to swipe right on white men in particular. I think this makes sense due to:

 my ex being white and racist (and I have a tendency to want to get as far as possible from this particular ex), 

a close friend who was my only white cis-het friend who then turned out to be a racist tory

my dad who is white, racist and homophobic (not terribly but enough to make me uncomfortable to discuss anything with him).  

Plus the general consensus that white cis-het men are the most priveleged in society and they can never understand someone like me, right?  Let alone have done any of the unpacking and learning about their own privilege..  

I matched with a few guys and had brief conversations with them before getting overwhelmed about messaging people on dating apps (happens whenever I can’t keep on top of messaging like more than one person at a time).  There were some okay chats, nothing overly flirty.  Some voicenotes which freaked me out a little, not 100% sure why hearing men’s voices so early after speaking to someone online scares me, but it’s probably because I’m not as comfortable sending voicenotes myself.  

There was a lot of me saying to myself “what am I doing?! LOLOLOL”

I’m going to talk about one of the guys in particular now.  We’ll call him Z.  Z’s profile was very minimal, basically just said “ask if you want to know more”.  But he had a nice face, lovely smile, and his first picture even looked quite feminine in the face - he has super long eyelashes and due to the lockdown hair he was wearing a hairband.  He’s Asian (Sikh) like my two closest friends.  I have spoken to him more than any of the other matches from Bumble.  We don’t really talk much of substance.  I told him I’m “basically a lesbian” quite early on  and he told me he’d been healing from a long relationship and was now “ready to have some fun”.  He didn’t seem particularly phased that I was into women, didn’t say anything cringey like “don’t worry, I’ll turn you” (which is what I used to get when I was younger).  This pushed the conversations in a direction where it was kind of agreed that this was all a bit of fun - flirty, sexual.  

My first experience with a guy being interested me back in high school eventually turned into a FWB situation so this type of relationship I am used to and basically expect from men..  I’m not particularly bother by this atm but might unpack this some more at some point.   

Anyway, as me and Z are just having some fun, I’ve not been vulnerable or told him much about things I care about - I don’t even think he knows my full name. It has actually been a breath of fresh air when I’ve been with people who are too intense for me throughout my dating life.  He is very much the kind of person I would never usually interact with too- likes and plays football, hangs with a group of “lads”.  I don’t think we have anything in common yet we still manage to chat (albeit with gaps of many hours in between some messages).

What did interest me about Z quite early on in our conversations is that he never said the word “girls”, always “women”.  I pointed this out to him and he confirmed he did that on purpose because he wouldn’t want to be referred to as a “boy” and that women deserve the same language used when referencing grown ass women.  This sticks in my mind as it definitely broke down one of my mental barriers around men not being able to understand “what’s the big deal”.  I think that’s probably why I’ve managed to speak to him for as long as we have.  Later on he also mentioned that people “can’t be fat shaming” which surprised me even more.  (Does my brain think cis-het men live under a rock or something?!).

We’ve been speaking 3 weeks at this stage.  We agreed to meet this weekend.  We ended up delaying it from Sunday to last night (Monday) because he was tired from a busy weekend and “wanted to give me the full experience”.  Surprisingly this didn’t make me super cringe.  I think I was probably more relieved to delay it another day as I was pretty nervous about how it would go, my head overthinking like - what if we have nothing to talk about? what if he comes all this way and I change my mind (as I am of course allowed to)? what if he’s a catfish and hurts me? etc. etc.  I don’t overthink this much when I date women.

So he was on his way.  I was running in circles getting ready like “WHAT AM I DOING?!!!”.  I had some rum to take the edge off and played the piano anxiously while he was on the way as something to take my mind off thinking about what was about to happen.

He arrived.  He was who he said he was.  He was the person who was in his pictures.  He was slightly slimmer than I expected but that was just the angles that his pictures were taken in.  It wasn’t awkward.  I poured us a drink and we sat on the sofa and chatted for a couple of hours.  He talked a lot, I hardly got a word in edgeways.  I didn’t mind as it put me at ease that there was no awkward silences. 

We finished our drinks.  I hadn’t left the heating on in my lounge so it had gotten quite cold..  I got closer to him.  Then we kissed.  It was nice.  I love kissing anyone who’s a good kisser no matter their gender. The excitement of the whole situation turned me on and we took it to my bedroom.

I struggled to look at him naked although when I did, I didn’t feel strange like I thought I would.  Obviously there is nothing wrong with the male form, I just haven’t seen a dude naked in my bedroom for years and when I was younger I used to tell myself I had phallophobia..  The sex was pretty much what I was looking for.  He didn’t bring a condom though which didn’t annoy me loads in the moment, despite him saying “I prefer without but ok” to which I replied “I don’t know where you’ve been” *eye roll*.  I thankfully had my own condoms (my stash usually for making dental dams, yno) but after I was kind of thinking to myself like “who the fuck goes to have casual sex with someone and doesn’t bring a condom when they have a penis?!”. I didn’t even let my ex bare-back me let alone some random dude.  

Anyway, I did it.  Consensual sex was better than any sex I had with my ex (not surprising).  He didn’t make me climax but it felt good (sex isn’t goal orientated for me but I know it was for him, as I assume it is with most men).  We held each other and chatted naked for a while after.  I think he wanted round 2 but I’m not sure I could have handled it.  He left relatively promptly after and I felt.. content.

I think I got what I wanted out of the experience.  It definitely boosted my confidence.  I’m not sure if I’ll see him again yet.  I definitely still feel very queer and mostly into women, I missed boobs a lot (like what do het-women hold onto?).

Part of me is like “okay next step is to see what it would be like to go on a romantic date with a guy” - something I have never ever done.  I don’t think I’ve been interested in it in the past (since growing up that is).  I can’t even imagine what it would be like because I would probably just treat them as my friend and have no clue how to flirt (if I even wanted to flirt).  But there are many conflicting thoughts about dating men romantically - what if it’s a success?  I’d end up feeling disowned by my new queer friends or judged by them, or what if I hurt someone?  how will dating guys impact how I feel about my own queerness??  I just settled back into my queer identity and now it feels I’m going backwards again.

I am definitely enjoying this new side to me that doesn’t take dating seriously and being comfortable that I don’t want a relationship right now and that’s okay!  I am continually learning about myself and trying to breakdown my own barriers so I can be my most true authentic self.  I’m having fun, and doing what’s best for me.  Which is a complete u-turn on the person I was less than a few years ago who just wanted to please everyone and was so depressed and burnt out doing so.

[yamayamawrites]

The Way You Said “I Love You” - #1

Hi friends! A while ago I reblogged a prompt list from mottainaiiii (find the original post here!) with ways to say “I love you”. Now, a very ridiculous amount of time later, I plan on actually writing one-shots (or maybe a fic? Not sure if I want them to overlap) to go with each of these. 

I’m also posting these to my AO3 page, which you can find here! I really miss writing and it’s been a hell of a long time since I’ve posted anything, so to get myself back into it I figured I’d start with prompts that I reblogged literally years ago.

Anyways, enough from me! Here’s the first chapter!

Chapter 1: As a Hello

Marinette and Adrien had been dancing around an important topic for weeks now. That important topic was feelings. Specifically, how they felt about each other. Because after that night at Alya’s, they certainly weren’t just the close friends they thought they were.

After high school, Marinette and Adrien found themselves attending the same university – both on a scholarship that was too good to pass up. Despite how insistent Adrien’s father was on paying for Adrien to go to the best university France had to offer, Adrien continually told him that he wanted to make his way through university without financial help. That didn’t stop Adrien’s father from paying Adrien’s monthly rent at his apartment, but luckily it stopped him from interfering anywhere else.

Nino wasn’t going to university. In his last year of high school, his music career took off when one of his songs played on Paris’s most popular radio station. He moved closer to the coast and out of the city of Paris, and Alya followed him. She attended classes online while she worked full-time as an intern at a journalism company.

This is all to say that the four best friends they’d come to be during their last year of high school had split up, and by the end of their first semester of university, there was a certain pain of something missing that drew them back together.

Marinette had stopped Adrien one day on campus walking out of a different classroom than her. “Hey!” she chirped and, noticing the dark bags under his eyes, assumed he’d just left his last final exam. “Uh, you alright?”

Adrien laughed in response, a bit dazed. “Oh, yeah. Doin’ great. I got a whole hour of sleep last night!”

Marinette laughed back, gently touching his arm. The way friends did. “Well, I’m sure you could use the rest. I was stopping you to…” she tried to recall why she’d stopped him, actually. “Oh! Oh yeah! Alya called last night and invited me out to her and Nino’s apartment for a bit during the break. She told me to ask you – she doesn’t have your number.”

Now that was a lie, Marinette well knew. Alya had everyone’s number. Alya still insisted on trying to set the couple up together, despite both of them believing they were better off as close friends. They seemed to be the only two who believed that to be true.

Adrien leaned in towards her, the way friends do. “Oh, that sounds great! I’ll drive?”

“Well, since you offered,” Marinette giggled. Adrien enjoyed giving Marinette rides when they went out of town together – which for some reason happened quite often now that Adrien had no photo shoots to worry about and Marinette worked mostly remote. “Pick me up after you take a nap, handsome,” she  teased and ruffled his hair, the way friends do.

“’Course. I’ll call you before I leave?” he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, the way friends do.

“You better!” Marinette said as she turned around, smiling her entire walk back to her bike.

The entire drive there, Marinette and Adrien listened to the pop music station, counting how many times Nino’s music came on.

“God, I just can’t believe how famous he got so quickly,” Adrien sighed. “I’m so proud of him.”

Marinette smiled. Adrien genuinely cared for every person in his life, she learned. Even when Chloe first appeared on television, despite Adrien’s annoyance with her, he called her and congratulated her. It made Marinette appreciate the people in her life more.

Adrien began singing along to one of Nino’s songs, quietly at first, then building confidence as Marinette sang with him. Before long, the two were bellowing the song as loudly as they could, laughing at each other’s expressiveness.

They arrived to Nino’s and Alya’s apartment late that evening, and perhaps it was the relief of getting to fully rest after finals week that made Adrien and Marinette so nonchalant about the fact that the third bedroom in the apartment didn’t have a bed for one of them to take. Neither Adrien nor Marinette would offer themselves to take the couch (which was notoriously uncomfortable), and as a result, they slept together in the guest room.

The following morning Marinette woke up first, and the embarrassment of actually sleeping with Adrien set in. She cringed at her stubbornness the night before and quietly grabbed her clothes. She changed in the bathroom and met Alya in the kitchen. Alya smirked her knowing smirk, her mind already swirling with theories of what had happened the night before.

“Shut up,” Marinette groaned before Alya could even open her mouth. Alya just laughed in response and passed her a mug of coffee.

Adrien and Marinette ended up staying for about a week. Alya and Nino announced that they were having a Christmas party the night before Adrien and Marinette were planning on leaving. That excited Marinette; she hadn’t gotten the chance to meet all of the quirky people Alya worked with, but she practically knew their life stories considering how often Alya called to gossip about them. There was Monique, who had too many cats; Adeline and Thomas were in some sort of “on again off again” relationship; and her personal favorite that Marinette desperately hoped to meet was Cindy, who apparently did something crazy every single weekend. Last week, in honor of Christmas coming up, she dyed half her hair white and the other half red.

The group spent most of that Saturday decorating the apartment with cheesy Christmas decorations Nino had bought on sale some time ago. Marinette helped Alya bake cookies for the party, and Adrien and Nino made a quick snack run to prepare.

The party itself was relatively small. Sadly Marinette didn’t get to meet Cindy; she texted Alya just an hour before and said that she was going to Ireland on a surprise trip with her boyfriend. She did, however, meet Thomas and Adeline, who were apparently “off again” that day, because they refused to speak to each other. About halfway through the party, they seemed to be “on again” because they excused themselves to the bedroom to talk for a while.

Marinette didn’t hear any talking, but that wasn’t her business.

Nino had a couple friends come over as well. A few lesser-known musicians, mostly, who Marinette might have been able to recognize one song by. The group of them mostly sat around the living room – Adrien’s arm draped around Marinette’s shoulders, and Marinette leaning into him, like friends do – and played Cards Against Humanity. Each of them had a drink in hand (Marinette didn’t know when Alya got so good at mixing drinks, but she didn’t question it).

Thomas and Adeline left first, followed by a few of Nino’s friends and Monique (who said she had to go feed her cats). Alya and Nino were cleaning something up in the kitchen, and Adrien and Marinette were chatting nonchalantly on the couch, his arm still around her. Sitting in a chair across the room was the last of Nino’s friends (maybe his name was Peter? Marinette couldn’t remember), who was putting the cards back into the box. Finally, he looked up at them and said, “You two are really cute. How long have you been together?”

Adrien’s first instinct was to laugh, and Marinette’s was to push herself away from Adrien’s side. “We’re not dating,” they said in unison, Marinette sounding frightened and Adrien amused.

“Wow, really? Exes?”

“Uh, no,” Marinette squeaked out.

“Huh,” he shrugged. “Well, whatever you’ve got, I wish I had it.” He finished packing up the box. “Merry Christmas. Nice to meet you two.”

“Nice to meet you,” they responded, again in unison, and he went into the kitchen to say goodbye to Nino.

Adrien returned his attention to Marinette. “Do you think he’s got a point?” he asked thoughtfully.

“A-about what?”

“We’d make a really hot couple,” he teased, poking at her side. She laughed, a bit nervously, standing up and turning away.

“I’m gonna go see if they need any help,” she said, walking out of the room.

Later that night, Marinette offered to sleep on the couch.

The car ride home the next morning was quiet. Neither of them sang along to the music, they simply put on Nino’s Christmas album and listened. At one point Adrien tried to ask if Marinette was okay, but she just squeaked and nodded quickly. He knew her well enough to know that everything was not okay, but he was oblivious that he might be causing it.

Marinette had been up all night thinking about how she truly felt about Adrien. Sure, she’d had a massive crush on him, but she strongly believed that she’d grown out of it. Plus, did they really look like a couple? Friends were close with each other, right? They enjoyed sitting close to each other, and calling each other “handsome” and “beautiful”, and jokingly holding hands, and sleeping in the same bed – like friends do, right?

She buried her face in her hands. Not like friends do. Like boyfriends and girlfriends do.

Adrien dropped her off in front of her apartment, offering to walk her upstairs, but she shook her head and excused herself, saying she felt sick. He once again offered to walk her up, as that was more of a reason to walk her upstairs, but still she declined.

He texted her Christmas morning to wish her a ‘Merry Christmas, beautiful!’ and she responded with ‘Merry Christmas!’

Other than that, they did not talk. And it drove Marinette crazy.

The first day of winter semester, she texted Adrien and asked to meet him at the campus café after class. He agreed, and she made the decision that she couldn’t take the way she felt. Adrien needed to know.

She would just spit it out. Then, she wouldn’t have to think of what to say. Just… “I love you.” That’s all it took. She could do it.

She couldn’t do it. Adrien had already gotten her a caramel coffee, she could see it sitting on the table in front of him, and she couldn’t take how sweet he was. Did she really want to risk everything just so he knew how she felt?

Her inner battle to decide what to do continued even as she sat down at the table. Adrien smiled over at her. “Hey, how was your first class?”

“I love you,” she said, a bit more aggressively than she meant to.

“I,” Adrien’s cheeks flushed. “Uh, I love you too? You’re like my best friend—”

“No, Adrien,” she shook her head. Her cheeks were warm and she could tell her face was nearly as red as her shirt. “I love you. I love being close to you, and calling each other pet names, and – I just, I’m in love with you.”

“I…” Adrien, for the first time, stumbled over his words. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything, I just needed to say that to you—”

“I think I’m in love with you, too.”

The words hung in the air for a moment. Marinette blinked. Adrien blinked back. Both seemed a bit shocked by the words that had come out of Adrien’s mouth. Finally, Marinette processed what he’d said. “I…you…huh?”

“Well, I love all of that stuff too. And I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t turned down like, a hundred girls because I didn’t want to lose time with you,” he rubbed his neck sheepishly.

Marinette laughed, then, surprising both of them. “Oh my gosh,” she buried her face in her hands. “We’re idiots. Have we just been dating this whole time?”

Adrien laughed back. “Uh, maybe?”

“Do you want to go on a proper date, then?”

“I’ll pick you up at seven.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #81

“maybe i’m a misfit, maybe i’m different, it will never be an average existence.”

how does alcohol affect you?   i flush, i get talkative, and very silly. have you ever inhaled helium?   no. what is your favorite kind of pasta?   spaghetti with lots of sauce and meatballs. ;3; what are you hungry for right now, if anything?   food? do you ever get eczema?   rarely. are you a fidgety sort of person?   yep have you ever mowed a lawn?   no. do you enjoy corn on the cob?   yum! in your opinion, what’s the ideal age to start having children?   mid 20s.  your body is prepared and at a pretty fertile point, and usually, you're at a mature enough mentality by this age. are you a seafood person?   noooo. have you ever dated someone with an accent different than yours?   no. have you ever worked two jobs at once?   hell no.  i'd never manage. who does most of the housework around your house?   my mom, bless her. how many glasses of water do you drink a day?   none. what brand is your desktop or laptop?   sager have you ever lived on a university campus?   nope. have you ever shaved your face?   no. do you get motion sickness?   i do not. are there any mountains nearby where you live?   no. does sitting in waiting rooms drive you insane?   YEP.  YEAH.  YES.  INDEED.  I'M IMPATIENT /AS FUCK/ do you ever put sticky notes around the place to remind yourself of things?   no. do you like jalapenos?   MMMMMMMMMM OBBY your name?   brittany would you like to visit venice?   ABSOLUTELY! did you ever eat leaves when you were a kid?   no? o-o are there any ‘keep off the grass’ signs where you live?   nope. have you ever walked on the grass with such a sign?   no, i have respect. do you like kiwis?   yaaaaas!! have you ever experienced an earthquake?   nope. has anyone ever tried stealing your boyfriend/girlfriend away?   yep.  little bitch failed. (: do you like your phone?   not particularly. would you rather drink orange juice or milk?   milk have you ever slept in the same bed of the opposite sex?   yes. do you like condoms?   never used one ever been to a bar?   no. how old were you when you lost your virginity?   i'm 21 and still haven't what is something you DON’T like about the person you like?   he doesn't support/believe in me. do you look good in red lipstick?   i think so. are you good at editing pictures?   i think so.  kinda have to be when you're a photographer. where did you last go swimming?   colleen's, i think. are you one of those people that post EVERYTHING you are doing on facebook?   no.  i barely post ANYTHING unique to me on facebook.  i usually just share things i find really funny or very important/influential. are you any good at public speaking?   NO NO NO 1,000 TIMES NO who did you last see in concert?   alice cooper how many days a week would you say you take a nap?   idk nowadays since we're in the middle of moving.  things are hectic. what is the first thing you do when you get on the computer?   i open up facebook. what do you mainly watch on youtube?   good mythical morning or let's plays, usually by markiplier. do you sing in the shower?   veeery rarely.  i don't sing much. what do people most pick on you about?   i'm rather dependent on the internet and i don't socialize a lot. if you were a professional sports player, what sport would it be?   dance would you rather go to the mountains or the beach?   mountains! if you could live anywhere, where would it be?   utah, probably. is napoleon dynamite actually a good movie?   i honestly like it.  it's awkwardly funny. how many pair of flip flops do you own?   two, i think. ever been to rehab/jail?   no sir. highest level of school completed?   some college where do you keep your birth certificate?   in a locked safe. could you handle being in the military?   NOOOOOOOOOOOPE have you ever had a bad concert experience?   nope! when was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? do people often tell you this?   tyler yesterday, and no. can you handle blood?   yeah, blood's fine. what is your opinion on canada?   pretty place. what movie can you watch over and over and never get bored?   oh my goooosh, "white chicks" when eating something are you more concerned with taste or nutrition?   taste. do you tend to act paranoid around people you don’t know?   YEP have a good singing voice, or would you rather not sing?   naaah, my voice isn't that steady. do you want to go to pregnancy classes?   you mean, whenever i am pregnant?  no.  one, i don't particularly want to deal with an estrogen ocean, and two, my mother knows like.  everything about this stuff.  might as well just ask her. do you ever cringe at the thought of living in a disgusting house?   YEAH.  I AM HONESTLY HORRIFIED OF EVER GETTING TO THE POINT OF NOT CARING FOR MY HOUSE OH MY GOD. what do you doodle on your papers?   usually meerkats. have you ever cut someone else’s hair?   no do you have a wild imagination?   i honestly think so. do you own a wok?   no. do you like going to weddings?   no.  i get triggered. what type of ice cream is your favorite?   vanilla how many long term relationships have you been in?   one. what job do you think deserves to be paid higher?   TEACHERS what do you think about abortion?   it's fucking modern day child sacrifice.  you're killing children to satisfy the desires of another person.  that.  is.  murder. have you read shiloh?   yesss, i loved those books and the movies!!! do you go to church every sunday?   no. have you ever fell for a player, even though you KNEW he was a player?   nope. do you know any guys with their nipples pierced?   no. favorite beatles song?   not a big fan, but "hey, jude" have you ever seen a tornado?   no, thank god. what’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever cried about?   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- do you like peanut butter?   yeah!! own a lava lamp?   no, i wish. ever faked an orgasm?   nope. what scars on your body do you have?   two on my chin from passing out onto it, and one long one on my left shin from scratching the shit out of it. ever did something sexual in public?   only a very simple kiss, never even making out. do you like the taste of squid or eel?   never tried it, NEVER will. ever date anybody in middle school?   psh, for like a month, i barely woulda even called it "dating." did you like to get dirty when you were little?   to a degree. own anything that has to do with dragons or unicorns?   dragons, yeah. believe in mermaids/mermen?   no.  watched an interesting documentary about them once, though.  thought it was quite interesting.  supposedly, even if they did exist, they'd have to live in the deep ocean and be morbidly obese to survive. how many times have you snuck out of the house?   never. ever wanted to be a vet?   once upon a time. ever centered your life around a person?   yeah, and it ruined me. are you doing anything else on the computer while you do this?   i'm listening to good mythical morning.  oh my gosh guys, i'm a month behind from the hospital visit, living with colleen, etc... i've missed my boys so much. :') ever written your number in a public bathroom or a school text book? if so, did anyone actually call you?   nope. how many of your friends are from california?   i don't think i have any, even online. do you go tanning?   nope. ever been horseback riding?   no. :c ever done oral? with how many people?   yeah, with one person. did you know you can get stds from doing that?   as an adult i know that, but honestly, never knew that back in the family life/sex ed days.  cooper's sex ed was HORRIBLE.  we barely learned anything other than vast information about hiv/aids. if you’re a girl, do you wear sports bras or padded bras?   neither sports or padded.  they're just... normal? how many brothers does your father have?   none what’s the nicest meal you’ve ever eaten?   oh my god, this steak at miss randi's wedding.  it was HEAVENLY. have you ever slept on the floor with someone you like?   on a palette, yes. which do you prefer: french toast, bagels, or cereal?   french toast do you prefer light or dark haired?   dark do you want to cut your hair?   it needs a trimming is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single?   no.  if you're not even dating, you don't need to be that serious. do you only wish the best for your ex?   ... in certain ways. do you think that once people get married, they eventually fall “out of love”?   no, that's fucking stupid. if you found out you were pregnant who would you tell first?   my mom, probably. what are your chances of getting with your crush?   he's more than a crush, but literally none. name a band you’d like to see live?   oh my GOSH, metallica. who’s your best friend/s?   don't think i really have one anymore. how many times have you been on a plane?   twice.  one occasion i don't remember; i was too young. what’s your opinion of root beer?   yucky. ;~; is there anyone you would take a bullet for?   jason and my mom. which of the seven deadly sins do you commit the most?   sloth who’s your celebrity crush?   link neal oh god right now, what’s your dream career?   professional wildlife photographer did you have a furby when you were younger?   i did what part of your body are you self-conscious about?   my stomach would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents?   carve pumpkins favorite kind of candy?   hm.  sour punch straws, maybe. have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders?   yes: chronic depression, chronic anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and bipolarity ii.  HOWEVER, i think i have more than just bipolarity; i am 100% convinced i have borderline personality disorder. which branch of science do you find the most interesting?   biology, probably.  genetics. if you were given the chance to be immortal, would you take it?   nope. were you a planned baby?   i think so. were your parents married when you were born?   yes. which parent do you get along with best?   mom, i guess. do you have step-parents?   my dad's remarried, but i don't call her "mom" or anything. are you scared of growing up old alone?   it's my #1 fear.  i am horrified of it. do you like walking in the rain?   NO.  i HATE being wet with clothes on. what is your favorite dessert?   donuts or vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup has anyone ever been in love with you?   i... like to think jason was. are you afraid of falling in love?   i'm afraid of doing it again, yes.  the first time just about killed me, so w/e. do you judge other people by the bands they like?   no, that's ridiculous. have you been to an emergency room in the past three months?   yes. would you rather be blind or deaf?   blind do you want an ex back?   yes. when people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’?   yeah. have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?   it was pierced for years, but then the fucking hole closed when i had to take it out due to hospitalization. e_e can you trust most people?   nope. has anyone hurt or betrayed you recently?   yup. do you expect to be married in the next two years?   definitely not. is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?   if i knew it would go unpunished, honestly, yeah. name the person that has honestly hurt you the most in life?  jason. how many times have you checked up on your ex?   more times than i care to admit.  i can't anymore, though.  he has me blocked on facebook and i don't have his phone number or anything. your bf/gf wants to buy you a present… what should they buy?   if i actually had a boyfriend, something with meerkats. ever known anyone who could “see right through” you?   jason was the only one.  he was so special. would it scare you to know someone could read your mind?   YUP have you ever broken a couple up?   i honestly feel like i was partially responsible.  i've told ya'll about the situation with this kid joel when i was like 12, and he broke up with my best friend of the time because he wanted me. ever kissed someone who was in a relationship?   no. what do you think of friends with benefits?   it's foolish do you like mushrooms?   no no no no are you allergic to cats?   debatable.  idk. do you put clothes on your animals?   no. do you like cheese?   only american what’s your favorite television show?   "fullmetal alchemist" have you ever babysat?   once is it possible to be “just friends” with someone you had feelings for?   if your feelings were/are genuine, hell no. what’s your second favorite color?   pink have you ever been involved in an affair?   no. do you refuse to use public toilets?   99% of the time, yes. where is your favorite place to get fries?   bojangle's!!! what is your favorite gaming console?   ps2 have you ever been to a baby shower?   more than once. are you currently in a relationship? if so, do you think it will last?   as of yesterday actually, yes.  do i think it'll last, i don't know. how many romantic relationships have you been in so far?   only one.  who knows if the one i'm in now will get there. have you ever been camping in the wilderness?   no, just in my front yard lol. do you have gluten intolerance or anyone who does?   my former best friend supposedly does. have you ever cried while watching a movie?   yeah. have you ever had a migraine?   yep. do you have a gym membership?   no. have you ever fainted?   yes. would you consider yourself very flexible?   not very anymore, nah. do you embarrass easily?   VERY VERY VERY OH MY GOD SO MUCH have you ever been banned from anywhere?   i don't think so. are any of your siblings married?   only my older, immediate sister.  my half-sister tiffany that i have nothing to do with, idk if she is. who was the last person to spend the night with you at your house?   chelsea do you have a hard time making decisions?   i am the literal Worst. who was your date to senior prom?   jason. does your dad smoke?   yes. is your mom over 50?   yes. do you want to get married?   yeah. have kids?   i... don't know if i want any anymore. do you have any plans to get a new tattoo or piercing?   i do. does anyone call you babe?   tyler does.  i'm not comfortable enough with him yet to say i don't like it, though. do you have a debit card?   no. why did you stop working at the last place you were employed?   my anxiety was too bad.  to the point i was vomiting every day when there. do you believe in saving sex for marriage?   i guess so.  i'm doing it now in my new relationship.  if jason had to wait and never got it, then so does he. do you think the drinking age in the usa should be lowered to 18?   no. do you believe most people are good people deep down?   most, yes. who do you look more like, your dad or your mom?   i've heard both. what is the nearest big city to you?   raleigh do your parents have facebook accounts?   mom does. does/did either of your parents serve in the military?   no do you like sour candy?   more like love.