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semischarmed · 4 years

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The Visit

I glance at my phone. 30 minutes. 30 minutes in this chair waiting for the doctor. 30 minutes in a freezing cold examination room wearing nothing but the disposable gown the nurse told me to wear. Now, I’m normally quite patient, but I begin to worry that they may have simply forgotten about me. I sit up straight, ready to leave the chair and ask for the nurse, when my new doctor comes into the room in a rush.

“Hey, Hey! Sorry, sorry. My last patient meeting went a bit over. That alright?“ He grins and verdant eyes sparkle. The man was dreamy. I could say nothing beyond nodding in agreement.

“Great! Glad to hear it” he beams. I feel an explosion of warmth within my chest and stomach and can’t help but smile back.

”Thank you so much for understanding. I’m Doctor Ryan! Good to meet you.” I readily shake his hand. Firm. Sturdy. Calloused.

“Okay great, so we’re just gonna run through your vitals, and… says here you noticed an odd mark show up near your penis?” I flush bright red in embarrassment at the mention. Unperturbed, he continues without skipping a beat “Hmmm.. we’ll definitely want to get that checked. Probably harmless, but could be something bad… I know the nurse probably covered most of these questions and took your vitals, but [he smirks] just wanna sure we get everything checked correctly, alright?” Damn it. Doctors always have a such way with words, I can’t help but melt in their arms. I feel a numb happy sensation wash over me and again nod in agreement. He was cute, too cute. God. Of course, whatever he thought this appointment was, he was completely off. Most likely picked up the wrong sheet or something, cause I only came for some immunizations.

Still, the man has me spellbound. I comply with his every whim as he continues running through his normal questioning. In every word, he further puts my will to sleep, with every phrase he draws me closer. To me, his every sentence has progressively slowed the world around us. Not that I’m complaining. I am adrift, motionless in his pool of questioning, sandwiched between warm ocean and sunlight. For a short few moments, I am at peace. I was practically sleeping by the time the second round of questions finished. I feel a warm hand on my shoulder and break my spell slightly and I focus in on his beautiful face. “You okay there, bud?” More nods his way.

“Awesome. Let’s get started then.”

———

The physical was.. something else. We start with just an examination of my body. Pale, scholarly eyes remark on my every blemish, my every curve. It would be a nightmare in any other scenario, but in the secure glance of my doctor, I knew I was safe. Still, near his radiant heat, I could not help but get just a bit flustered. My answers are short, odd, my heart rate jumping to his vicinity.

He wiggles his stethoscope in the air. “We’re just gonna get your heart rate okay?” My mouth is hanging open and drooling slightly, but I nod. Really, it’s all I can do. Stunned to obedience. He just spoke so confidently, so assured in his examination. His tone was out of this world. It’s bright but resonant, like each word reverberated his command in my chest. His voice was no less potent. Sound-waves embrace the air with sweet honey, but an undertone of audible trust. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else, still caught in this man’s spell. Now, a handsome man gets me feeling the same way a doctor often does. But he was both. I can manage nothing beyond a smile and continue nodding “okay.”

I moan at the touch of the stethoscope. It was ice. Penetrative, cold ice, but in his expert hands, it felt like gift from the man. I imagine the metal is a piece of him, precious metal, precious silver embedding itself in me. I want it in me forever- uh, the man, not the stethoscope.

He grunts. Fuck. “Sorry” I say sheepishly. That moan was definitely audible then. Further embarrassment floods me, only tempered by by the tingling sense of relaxation I felt in being examined by this man. He takes the odd outburst in stride, giving a half smile before continuing. “Believe it or not, you’re not the first”. The man was a professional through and through.

---

In the middle of making sure my reflexes were still functioning, his face winces, and his upper lip trembles, immediately breaking my illusion. He lets out a quick gasp “Ah.. I.. aahhh” barely audibly. I watch as his knuckles grasp the sides of the cushion in my chair desperately, going white in the process. For the first time in our entire session, the haze cast by this man’s being is broken entirely. I feel the dullness in my mind clear as I take note of the oddness from what had just transpired. His mouth goes wide and his face scrunches up into an emotion that I can’t quite place between pain and pleasure. Maybe both? In any case, before I can even investigate further, it relaxes immediately. Emotionless.

Then, his eyes twitch before going glassy. Doctor Ryan looked like he was about to throw up. Pleading eyes stare into my soul, but the rest of his face remains blank. I am shocked beyond shocked at this point to do anything beyond stare in disbelief while a shit-eating grin slowly paints his face. His eyes blink back to lucidity- now focused on me, and single tear pools on the corner of his left eye and drips down his cheek. He stops it with his thumb before it can drop further, before nonchalantly wrapping plump lips around it. In a slight suction noise, when he pulls the thumb out his mouth in what looks to be a deliberately seductive manner, staring intently at my face the entire time. What the fuck.

Immediately, he returns to examining me, making no mention of what had just occurred. This time though, his movements seem just a bit erratic, a bit unrefined. I also catch brief glimpses of that same cringing face every time he moves to the next step in his examination, like he was pulling long-forgotten memories from what should be a fairly standard procedure. He repeats the physical, this time going over my every part much more slowly. Any touch, any connection we had seemed to linger just a bit longer than needed. He almost seemed... Interested? Nervous? Whatever case, with every movement, and every step, his hands get a bit steadier, actions more confident. Whatever just happened to him seemed to be over. I am intrigued, if a bit scared. He was acting suspicious. Too many things seemed to line up for me to dismiss this as just normal checkup. In lustful wishes, I invoke whatever I can, hoping I’m correct. I try to sneak a peak at the outline of his admittedly large penis in his scrubs. Absolutely Flaccid. Odd. Disappointing, to say the least. Whatever this weird, hot doctor was doing, he wasn’t getting off on it.

When he gets to my lower body, he abruptly splits my knees open, spreading my legs wide. Another moan almost escapes me. Thankfully a veil of disposable fabric separates my doctor from my now semi-erect penis. Unthankfully, I can’t help but tent the gown full mast when his ice cold hands begin to trace and snake slowly around my inner thigh. I look at him in shock and he just beams back at me like the past few minutes had not just happened. “Hmmm… great legs…” My face goes crimson and I scream internally at my own inability to control my own body. “Okay, your -hNnggg-ah cha-chart, yes. Apologies for the outburst… your chart seemed to mention some concerns about your penis? Let’s take a closer look” He states, looking up at me with a half-smile.

“No- er, I think- ah, you got the wrong-” I can barely stammer out a response in the raw stimulation of Doctor Ryan grabbing and gently examining my cock and balls. Pleasure bloomed wherever his fingers glided over. This was a mental battle I could not win. Mind versus body. I was fighting myself, my own urges. He makes gentle cupping motions around my balls, back and forth. I look at him in bewilderment. There was no way this was just for a normal examination. He smiles pleasantly, “just checking for anything out of place… so far, so good”. Mystery solved, I guess. He slowly wraps thick fingers, encircling my cock in an embrace. Not solved. Not solved. I am rock hard. He gives a short chuckle. “Well, at the very least, your nerves appear to be working…. Blood flow looks good as well…Nothing out of the ordinary so far”. I am beet red at this point. Fuck me. I can’t even compose myself in front of this man.

Then, Doctor Ryan gives it a tug. FUCK.

“Holy shiiiiiit” I moan out. I turn my head away as my body quivers and gives in to a moment of divine pleasure. Betrayed by my own senses. A second, higher pitched moan escapes my now open throat, barely audible, while the a tiny bit of clear fluid spills onto the doctor’s unflinching hand. I can’t bear to look this guy in the eye. I need a new fucking doctor.

“You know, this is completely natural. Absolutely a normal human body response. Don’t worry about it” he says absentmindedly as he continues. “If anything, at least we know you can still produce, so it doesn’t look like there’s anything to worry about”. He mumbles happily. Outside my sightline, I swear I hear a licking, slurping noise. His hand, looked a bit wetter than before too.That being said, my brain has shut down from humiliation. At this point all I can manage is a blank nod.

“Well, good news- you’re perfectly hea- Oh! Actually, do you mind?” He begins to unbutton his coat and then proceeds set it on the table beside me. “You know it’s always a bit hot and stuffy in these rooms”. My eyes can’t help but visually eat at the feast before me. Bare chest and stray hairs poke out from his scrubs. The sleeves are taut around his massive biceps. Despite the objectively unflattering material, it can’t help but conform slightly to his muscular physique. It was pretty clear before, but it was definitely fact now. My doctor was hot as fuck. Something about his last question eats away at my my brain. It wasn’t hot at all. The room is cold, dry, sterile. Hell, this whole hospital is. It’s like he has me back in a trance though. Words smooth as silk, body like sculpture. He had a power over me, so I nod in compliance without even acknowledging how absurd the previous statement was.

“So, as I was saying... the good news is your vitals are all in line.” He laughs kindly, patting my stomach “Maybe eat a bit more protein every now and then”. The voice is warm and reassuring. My brain relaxes to the end in sight to this half dream-half nightmare. I start to get up to get changed before I realize the entire reason for the visit.

“Hey-er, wait! My Immunizations! I needed to get some immunizations done for my-“

“Oh?” He cuts me off, eyebrows raised. Intrigue paints his face.

Then he leans in close, head right up to my ear until the parts of chest peaking from the hospital gown touches the stray hairs poking out from his scrubs. Until we share warmth in that cold examination room. He breathes alongside me in rhythm as he exhales.

“You…don’t need any immunizations. I do… well, I did, anyway. It’s too late for him now...But we do have something planned, for you-we’re gonna try an experimental processss. A brand new… test…just for you...” He whispers. He pauses as he continues to breathe and I feel the hot, damp air emanating from his mouth coat my ear. “We need to test you for... stimulation.” Dear God. That last word he draws out in a far, far different tone than before. It neither clinical nor polite, and it hit like a brick. There was raw emotion in that last word. Raw lust. He cups the other side of my face pulling my left cheek to touch his. Like his chest, it’s quite warm. I’m flush with redness and confusion. I gulp nervously.

His tone returns in its warmth and politeness, contrasted by the intimate position we are in. “Hmmmmm salivating...mmmm... Quite a bit actually. You’re either haven’t eaten… or… you’re hungry for something.” I can’t manage out anything coherent amidst the sensory overload. He continues confidently, “C’mon... I’m your primary care physician? Let me take care of it. Let me take care of you...” He sticks his hand down his own pants, scratching to readjust. With our chests together, I am brought to our present moment. A moment in paradise. When he ebbs, I flow. Like a dance, my chest caves in with every exhale as his puffs out. He does in turn. We were partners. His scent pours out unconfined, unfiltered by distance, concentrated in our proximity. Like rainfall and crushed grass. I could live in it. With our cheeks pressed together, I feel his every movement. Every word spoken drawn in by my inhale. These would be mine to keep. This moment was ours and ours alone. He brings up the same hand, now a bit slimier to take a whiff before shoving that sweaty, funky smelling hand right to my face. I can’t control myself and start inhaling my hot doctor. I lick the man’s hand clean. Delicious.

I continue lapping it up in silence before he finally breaks it to speak. “Mhmmmmm... that’s the stuff... Maybe if we feed you enough of this hot doctor’s cum, you’d pick up on some of his residual intelligence and figure who’s really running this man.” My eyes light up, and the pieces finally all click together in my head. I chuckle.

“Good to see you too, Ben.”

———

“Leave it to humans to take something so beautifully sensual and twist it. He’s a bit too good at compartmentalizing. In many respects… It’s fucking hot. But, you know, when he’s in this work mode, he sees you as nothing more than sack of meat. We’re not getting anywhere with him without a little push”. Without warning, Ben pulls the doctor’s pants down and fiddles with his new dick- still flaccid. Jesus Christ it’s huge.

“Look, even this... appendage. Yes that’s an atypical response. I mean look at me, look at this new body we acquired. I’m swimming in this human’s hormones.” He wraps his hand around and begins pumping it. “But see here, it’s still all clinical in this head. I can only get inside him so far. We need something to end this human’s resistance. We need something extra to break him out of this trance. We need raw emotion.”

Just then, the door comes wide open. It’s Austin.

As he closes the door behind him, I see his face more clearly. It’s Austin’s body, but its pilot is undeniably Ben. Austin had a certain swagger to him that my little alien buddy just can’t quite replicate.

Ryan’s mouth opens wide and I watch as his true form exits from my doctor’s mouth and shoot strait into Austin’s welcoming nose. I watch as the doctor goes lucid. His eyes go wide and he stares at me in horror before attempting to escape. Before he can, he is pinned to the ground by the far larger Austin. “Cmon man, smell this fucking body. Feel something”

“If you can’t… we’ll do it for you. We’re going for a wild ride.. relax and enjoy it.” Austin’s eyes roll to the back of his head, and I watch as he gives a crazed grin, jaws open unnaturally wide. His tongue sticks out, his head is bright red, and pulsing silver courses through now-prominent veins. Damn. My Doctor looks at me with one last pleading glance, but all I can do is moan “I want you mine.”

Doctor Ryan lets out an involuntary scream when he notices the changes in Austin’s face, which only work to his disadvantage as a pulsating, semi-solid mass of silver falls into his open maw. Austin sticks their mouths together. Using his tongue, he maintains a steady passageway for Ben. Using his lips, Austin keeps the doctor’s pried open to forcibly receive the precious silver. Their heads bob back and forth as more and more of the slimy mass falls into doctor. I watch as a massive lumps outline themselves in his throat, then his chest, before disappearing into the depths of his body. I notice a little bit pool and spill out the corner of his mouth. When the process is over, Austin’s body falls limply to the side. I stare at the messy pile of silver goo still smeared over Ryan’s drooling mouth. Should I?

I lean over, giving my dream man a kiss. My eyes flutter at the prospect. Ugh, he’s perfect. I feel the every contour of the face of man who would soon be ours, before sucking up the excess silver an a bit of his drool in my mouth. No use putting this stuff to waste.

In a flash, I feel ecstasy. “Jesus fucking christ” I moan, as I feel a burst of energy from within. The parts of silver which were Ben settle into me, surging me with power and I feel his thoughts reverberate in my mind. In that split second, I also feel the vertigo of looking from two bodies at once. I feel the immense pleasure of controlling two bodies at once and the parts of silver which were Austin become immediately apparent. Goddamn what a fucking power trip. Austin was mine. A quick rush of stolen confidence from my previous tormentor floods my insides and I welcome my updated sense of self. Fuck yeah. Took a part of him for me. He’s never getting this back. I stare at his body and will it up. My dominion, now. While his head still hung unconscious, I move my fingers and tingle in delight as I watch his hands follow. The moment is fleeting though, and I feel the disappointment as my vision recedes back to my singular one.”Hope you liked that” I feel Ben state in my head. “Just a taste. This piece of us you’ve ingested... I think it’s best you keep it. I find this setup beneficial to us both. We can keep in constant contact this way. You might find some residual power left over Austin too, thought probably not in the way you think… at least… not yet.“

Before I can question him in my head, the doctor’s body shivers awake and then spasms before letting out a primal scream. Ryan’s looked... bigger? Almost swollen. His body occupied the same space they did before, but there was a larger presence to him. His muscles pump up, obviously riled into a frenzy. “Just a little attitude adjustment, and...Goddamn easy mode, Fuck!” He faces me. His eyes are rolled to the back of his head and silvery veins pulse all over his body. Seconds later, he settles and his eyes return to focus me. “Fuck yeah, you wanted this doctor, right? Bro, you know my bod’s way better. Fuck it though, I don’t care as I’m a part of the ride. Remember your fucking promise.” He states through gritted teeth. Unnatural coming out of the normally Angelic Doctor Ryan.

“Your Doc’s too nice though, right? You… Ben… you deserve better. I’ll make us better for you. Look how much fucking bigger, how much more of a fucking man we are with some Austin mixed in....” I am speechless, but he’s right. The doctor now exuded a dominating presence. In any other circumstance, I’d be frightened and compliant. In the presence of Ben, I felt safe.

“Thank Ben he brought us inside this man. Mmmmmm his brain is delicious… I feel so much smarter inside him. We’re gonna fuck him up. Make him better, like you did to me. Twist his head. Make him want your cum almost as much as I do. Make him want to spread more Ben around…. Mmmm speaking of, I feel him inside me. He’s squirming into us both out and goddamn it feels good.” Ryan’s body moans Austin’s moan. “I can’t wait for you to learn how to do this... to put yourself inside me-Please! Fuck! Learn it faster! That... part of me you stole… I feel good as part of you, right? You like it in you, right? Pure fucking jock. Take good care of it…more where that came from”. It was definitely my doctor, but between the behavior and facial expressions, undeniably Austin. Well, post-Ben Austin.

“I-Arrgh” I watch curiously as the doctor’s body shivers. “Ben’s... ready for you.” He winks as his eyes briefly roll to their sockets and roll back. Austin-er Ryan’s demeanor immediately changed ”Had to do a little arranging inside this doctor. We just need one final piece. Ryan’s body ready to receive its new masters. I need you to put as much cum inside this man as you can... I really like this one, his position is useful. But his mind... it’s so vast. He’s no Austin...It’s gonna take a lot more of our genetic material to tame it.”

Austin-er Ben does pushups on the floor. He clears a few hundred before wiping his sweat all over his scrubs. Of course, despite channeling Austin’s very essence, this body is not nearly as buff or as muscular as his so I watch as Ryan is forced to push up and down beyond his limits, tears streaming down his eyes, hands and legs shaking in protest, forced smiling all the while. Previously crisp scrub are now stained, damp in Ben’s body’s perspiration. The smell this weird, hybrid mix emanated was unique. Of course, it still had the cleanliness I’d expect from a doctor. Fresh cologne and nature- exactly what I’d expect from the healthy, professional man which had previous examined me. This man before me was not the same man as before. Because, interwoven was the musk, the testosterone, the pungent stink of our deranged puppet Austin. It was altogether divine.

“Look at this.” He states with a sneer as he does a bicep flex. His damp scrubs hug his muscle tightly, almost breaking at the seams. The bicep is throbbing. “I feel this body crying in pain and exhaustion. From his mind though... do you know how muscles are made? Tiny tears regrown stronger” A pulse of silver darts through his veins, immediately returning it to stillness. “What wonderful new information. We’re gonna use that. Fill into these layers with a bit of Ben, and a bit of you”. He starts laughing now “Doc Ryan here doesn’t call the shots…This isn’t his body anymore… It’s ours.”

With that, Ben lifts my gown and sticks his drenched head near my already-hard cock. Fuck he’s warm. Our sweat and scents mingle and I feel my inner thighs go moist in the perspiration in the air.

“Austin, to the forefront. Combined effort. We need him body and mind. Let us create a new Ryan,” he states. My doctor slowly wrap his thick, plump lips over my dick. Moment’s later, the man’s wet tongue slides forward. I shudder. A bit tickles in a spot just below the head and I squirm on the spot. Jesus fuck, oh- oh fuck, he’s good- he’s really good.

My shaking hands are sloppily held in place. I move them reflexively in the onslaught of pleasure. It’s like Ryan’s body was made for this. Absolute Heaven. I let out a loud moan as I continue to squirm in the confines of my position. Ben had commandeered some control of Austin’s unconscious body, and it stood there, just over me, holding my hands in place and body. Its eyes were rolled back, mouth drooling. Bits of spit dribbled to my forehead. I paid them no mind. Basically an extension of my own bodily fluids at this point anyway. Besides, whatever made Austin, Austin was mostly inside Ryan now, helping Ben add a wonderful new addition to our collection.

Ryan’s sensual motions, His body expertly bobbing, beckons mine. Erotic symphony. I can do nothing beyond quake in my seat. I hold for as long as I can but it’s too much. This was it. First, I moan. Then, I scream. FUCK. Goddamn bliss. Sweet Release. Pure Ecstasy. I am reduced to babbling internally as I release more and more of myself inside Ryan’s welcoming mouth. Using his powerful chest, he creates a slight suction, greedily taking as much of my cum inside as he can. The body begins to choke for air, but I feel Austin and Ben smile instead and continue inhaling my cum. Their eyes only relayed one word. More. There’s not much else I could have done anyway, because I continue to spew load after load inside the man. It’s the best I ever felt, the longest it’s ever been and the most I ever given. I sit in extended euphoria, paralyzed in bliss. Logic aside, ethics aside, this was my new order. Our new order. In my mind I strive to continue on, to bring more to this light. So many delicious fucking bodies in this town. So many new ‘me’s destined, yearning for my control- even if they didn’t know it yet. That last bit might have been some of Austin’s megalomania in me.

The phone rings at Ryan’s side and he picks it up. Someone patches in a call.

“Doctor are you alright? We heard some odd noises“. I watch Ben in alarm. He cracks his head to the side, cock still in his mouth, and veins coursing in silver fluid display prominently in his temples. He switches demeanor almost seamlessly back. In contrast, like strings cut, Austin’s body falls over me, unmoving. I didn’t mind. I inhale his jock essence as I listen in.

“Yewph- Iw- Ehem.. I’m quiw ahwigh, *gulp*… ahhh yeah.. Apologies, Nancy this appointment is taking just a bit longer than expected. I’ll be ready soon- just need a little more time with this one.” Every word again resounds warmly, calmly, politely in this man. When Ben channels Ryan, it’s like I’m hearing the same person who examined me earlier. He was ours. I glance his way and a bit of my cum is still on his lips as he continues his conversation. He happily draws it to his mouth with a finger and sucks it clean. My cock is drenched in the doctors sweat. Fucking hot. Ben found us a real catch. “Dr. Ben” ends the call and mentally, he’s back to our present situation, back to huffing in breathless pleasure, as he continues sucking the any residual mess in me clean. He gives me a wink as he finishes.

Ryan then stands over to Austin, and, in a reverse of the process from earlier vomits out the same silvery mass, now slick with streaks of white, back into its container. There was significantly less this time. From the still open mouth of Ryan, I watch the tiny man emerge, giving me a motion that indicated he was smiling. “I’m staying in this one a bit longer. Driving this particular specimen gives me a pleasure not wholly physical.” The mouth slowly closes and Ryan’s eyes show life again. He smiles. I look expectantly at the two of them. They begin making out. The sounds are sloppy and I can’t help but get a bit jealous. Taking note, they both stop abruptly before giving me a wink. The both speak at once while Ryan begins stripping stark naked.

“Can’t help it...You should come and stay in this room for a while. My next patient’s got quite a body we can utilize, based on this man’s memory. You still got some cum left in you? I can’t expand further without it” I nod happily. If Ben thinks he’s cute, we had to at least try. What am I saying? I can produce like a motherfucker, took part of my bully inside, made it mine. I may not look it yet, but I was alpha now.

“Austin, strip down, I need some new clothes, and yours are a better fit.” Austin’s face cringes and I watch as his normal personality returns. Normal was a stretch, because he was far more subservient now than he was before this all began. Ben then looks at me with a toothy smile as he walks over to my pile of neatly folded clothes and digs out my underwear. He nonchalantly strips stark naked and then proceeds to put on my underwear. “This is a tight- Hmph!” He struggles to get each thick leg through “-ah, your clothes...Mmm! So tiny”. This results in my hot, nearly naked doctor wearing my underwear tightly. It’s pulled to its seams as it’s forced to constrict and hold together the doctor’s massive package. I watch as his cock begins to get hard, only to be restricted by the fabric. He moans at the setup. “Ayyyyeeee fuck! Fuck yeah. It feels like you’re in here, squeezing this host’s cock and ass. I’m gonna make sure he wears this forever. I’m gonna make sure this imprints our scent into this man. Look at me. Look at this muscle. Ryan..mmmmm.... all the brains and brawn in the world couldn’t help you. Every time he gets hard on, I want him to be wearing this. I want his penis to scrape this, to be bound by it, forever a reminder of who the real Ryan is now.”

Ben’s new doctor personality switches back. He politely gestures to his pile of clothes, still freshly warm before looking at me. “If you’re gonna be my assistant, you’ll need to look the part,” he states with a kind smile. I eye the warm pile, almost steaming in the residual heat. Ryan’s body licks its lips. Ben again. “Wear it. This man is ours, forever. Take ownership of that. Of those clothes. There’s so much of your genetic material embedded inside this particular specimen, at this point these are your own as much as it is his.”

I rush over to put the scrubs on, to feel the residual heat in my doctor Ryan envelop me. I relish in it. Still warm and moist with his sweat. It was like I was wearing the man myself. Of course, it fits loosely over me, and I barely pass as an assistant. He leans over to me. “smell it” he whispers. “Smell yourself. I like you better this way”. He’s right. I smell so fucking alpha in this getup. Ben then begins putting on Austin’s clothes, which are a much better fit.

In contrast, Austin is forced to wear the remainder my clothes, which he creepily sniffs first and ends up with it fitting way too tight and revealing on him. I gesture to offer the scrubs I just put on instead, but he immediately declines in a huff, “No... I’m fucking better this way. More... complete” He moans “This was the way I was meant to be... yours... wearing this makes me feel like you’re here inside me, wearing your own clothes. I belong like this...This is your body, it misses you, and he doesn’t feel whole until you’re back home.” He pats himself. “I can’t wait for you to become this. And I’m not fucking taking no for an answer either. One day, I’m putting you where you belong- inside me so we can never be separated again. Moving around feels empty when you’re not in here doing it for me”. What the fuck did Ben do? The guy, my previous bully was horny just being near me. It felt amazing.

I silently thank Ben. Whatever Austin was rambling on about turned me the fuck on. I smiled. That piece of Austin I ingested earlier- I think his shitty vocab’s been rubbing off on me. Regardless, Austin was right- wearing him, controlling him from the inside was where I belonged. I deserved it. Deserved him. “Wait for us at home- we won’t be long” Ben instructs Austin through Ryan in a fatherly tone. Austin complies, leaving the room, staring longingly at me until he no longer could.

Ben puts on his coat. “Well then, that’s settled. I hope your cock is ready, human, we have a full schedule of bodies to possess.“

-End of “Ben Pt. 2″-

A smarter version of me would have split this into two parts. Also, preemptive apologies to anyone in a medical profession.

#Male possession #Alien possession #Male control #male puppet #male body control

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nanapandaz · 3 years

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Cognitive Impairment in Schizophrenia

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, I can’t diagnose you. If you think you have a mental illness please reach out to your doctor or a mental health professional.

For schizophrenics like myself, some of the most stigmatized, and sensationalized symptoms are the positive ones, meaning delusions, hallucinations, and movement disorders to some extent. You see them in textbooks and in the media; seeing, hearing, smelling or feeling things that aren’t real. Believing strange ideas, and this is my own example, like that the alien government lizard people are coming after you. These draw the most attention from the public eye, and I can’t blame them, alien government lizard people is pretty out there. But what about the less talked about symptoms such as negative and cognitive symptoms? Well, this essay will examine the cognitive side of a schizophrenia diagnosis.

According to Columbia University (2016), “many people with [Schizophrenia] also have cognitive deficits, including problems with short- and long-term memory.” They go on to say that cognitive factors can be the most disabling for people, leading to difficulty holding down a job and maintaining social relationships. They don’t have many answers as to the cause or cure for memory problems. Sucks to be us I guess. I personally have a plethora of issues with memory, short term and long term. I find myself lost when the dialogue of TV shows gets even slightly complicated because I immediately forget what was said, maybe that’s just me but it takes a toll on my self-esteem when I can't follow slightly complicated dialogue. But anyway, back to memory. Apparently when a group of healthy controls were compared to a group with schizophrenia, the healthy group, unsurprisingly, did better at memory tasks. In fact the health control groups brains showed increased brain activity the tests got harder and decreased activity when it got easier while the people with schizophrenia showed significantly weaker activity across the board.

According to Bowie and Harvey (2006) cognitive symptoms are the central feature of schizophrenia. As well as that these impairments may even present before the emergence of positive symptoms. They also found that there were “moderate deficits in attention, verbal fluency, working memory, and processing speed, with superimposed severe deficits in declarative verbal memory and executive functioning.” What is executive functioning? Well to quote Goodman (2021), “[e]xecutive functioning skills help you get things done. These skills are controlled by an area of the brain called the frontal lobe.” Things executive functioning helps you do is “manage time, pay attention, switch focus, plan and organize, remember details, avoid saying or doing the wrong thing, do things based on your experience, and multitask” (Goodman, 2021).

I’ll cover some ways to deal with executive dysfunction in a later essay.

Most people with schizophrenia will show some kind of cognitive impairment, but the severity will vary across different people. One interesting thing about these cognitive impairments is that they will remain relatively stable over time. There are some different types of impairments that I will summarize.

General Intelligence

I take some offence at the description that all people with schizophrenia have lower IQ’s, I mean there are/were some very smart people with it, like John Nash, or the people Cernis, Vassos, Brebion, McKenna, Murray, David & MacCabe (2015) studied, finding that there is “a high-IQ variant of schizophrenia that is associated with markedly fewer negative symptoms than typical schizophrenia” However the science seems to be overwhelmingly favourable in the direction that people with it have lower IQ’s as a group. On the other hand, I don’t know what kind of people they picked for their healthy control group, because if they were all university grads then it’s not really fair. So take this with a grain of salt. While the tests say that we are as a group, less intelligent than the “general” population it doesn’t mean you specifically are not intelligent. We can be just as successful as anyone else.

Attention

This one is simple, people with schizophrenia have a deficit in their ability to maintain their attention, this occurs even before the first psychotic episode.

Working memory

I have a terrible working memory, bad enough for it to be considered a learning disability. However I’m not alone in this, many people with schizophrenia have some kind of dysfunction in working memory, and apparently specifically verbal working memory. Bowie and Harvey (2006) state that “Working memory can be conceptualized as the ability to maintain and manipulate informative stimuli.” This is in contrast to attention span, with working memory being more cognitively challenging and attention span being more simple. In working memory, “The information must be held online for processing, but does not necessarily transfer to long-term storage, unlike episodic memory” (Bowie and Harvey, 2006). And poor memory can even affect social and interpersonal relationships because of the inability to pay attention to “multiple streams of information” Bowie and Harvey, 2006).

Verbal fluency

People like us sometimes find it rather difficult to speak in a coherent fashion, I remember many instances where I’ve tried to speak only for word salad to spill out of my mouth, and the looks of confusion and worry on other peoples faces is just great, really what I wanted to happen, not embarrassing at all. This inability to speak is due to “poor storage of verbal information as well as inefficient retrieval of information from semantic network” (Bowie and Harvey, 2006). Furthermore, "information that is stored is not always retrieved as a result of this inability to properly access semantic networks” (Bowie and Harvey, 2006).

Verbal and learning memory

A main impairment of schizophrenia is the difficulty of retaining verbal information. From what I understand, recognition memory seems to be able to work well in most cases, but “the pattern of deficits in schizophrenia tends to be reduced rates of learning over multiple exposure trials and poor recall of learned information” (Bowie and Harvey, 2006). So basically it takes a while for us to learn something but once we do we have good recognition memory. Now, recognition memory is the ability to recall something when you’ve seen it before, so I think what happens is if you’re able to process the information into long term memory you’ll be able to recall when you encounter that information again. Maybe I’m totally wrong, I don’t know.

Executive functioning

Now most schizophrenics have difficulties with most of all of the processes involved with executive dysfunction. Bowie and Harvey (2006) say that “schizophrenia patients have trouble adapting to changes in the environment that require different behavioral responses” which is directly due to issues with executive dysfunction. Furthermore, this “inflexibility” is highly associated with what Bowie and Harvey call “occupational difficulties.” This makes sense, when someone can’t plan, practice self-care, engage in social and interpersonal matters or participate in community functions, it’s gonna take a toll on your work life.

Treatment

Atypical antipsychotics seem to be the best treatment for cognitive impairments, though the results are sorta weak, Bowie and Harvey (2006) admit that “they have had very limited, if any, success in producing cognitive improvements. However, the search for new compounds designed specifically for cognitive enhancement in schizophrenia continues to be a promising area for future research.”

However there is also behavioural treatments, but there isn’t a lot of research on this topic. On the other hand, what little research there is, is very promising. “These strategies include training on computerized tasks similar to existing cognitive tests, teaching new learning strategies, training on novel tasks, and/or performing tasks repetitively” (Bowie and Harvey, 2006).

In the end, it seems that a combination of medication and therapy is the key. On the other hand, research by Everding (2005) states that “memory problems in schizophrenia can indeed be reduced and suggests that helping people use the right memorization strategy is critical to success.” The right strategies seem to be to remember more ‘deeply’ or according to Jantzi, Mengi, Serfaty, et al., (2019) to engage in retrieval practice, also Antzi, Mengi, Serfaty, et al.’s (2019) study is “the first to demonstrate that retrieval practice is also superior to restudy in improving later recall in patients with schizophrenia presenting with episodic memory impairment.” This is great news for us because it presents a real way of improving our memories, which apparently most of us need.

REFERENCES

Study finds brain marker of poor memory in schizophrenia patients: possible key to understanding and treating cognitive symptoms of the disease, (2016). Columbia University. Retrieved from https://www.cuimc.columbia.edu/news/study-finds-brain-marker-poor-memory-schizophrenia-patients

Bowie, C. R., & Harvey, P. D. (2006). Cognitive deficits and functional outcome in schizophrenia. Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment, 2(4), 531–536. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2671937/

Černis ,E,. Vassos, E,. Brébion, G,. McKenna, PJ,. Murray, RM,. David, AS,. MacCabe, JH. (2015). Schizophrenia patients with high intelligence: A clinically distinct sub-type of schizophrenia? Eur Psychiatry. (5):628-32. Retrieved from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25752725/

Gerry Everding (2005). Memory study shows brain function in schizophrenia can improve with support, holds promise for cognitive rehabilitation: need cues, memory aids. Washington University. Retrieved from https://source.wustl.edu/2005/07/memory-study-shows-brain-function-in-schizophrenia-can-improve-with-support-holds-promise-for-cognitive-rehabilitation/

Jantzi, C., Mengin, A., Serfaty, D. et al. (2019). Retrieval practice improves memory in patients with schizophrenia: new perspectives for cognitive remediation. BMC Psychiatry 19, 355. Retrieved from https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-019-2341-y#citeas

Goodman, B. (2021). Executive function and executive dysfunction disorders. WebMD. Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/executive-function

#schizophrenia #actually schizophrenic #cognitive impairment #memory impairment #youtube

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dearevanhansenofficial · 3 years

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“YOU WILL BE FOUND” NATIONAL COLLEGE ESSAY WRITING CHALLENGE 2021 | DEAR EVAN HANSEN

In partnership with Gotham Writers Workshop and the Broadway Education Alliance, DEAR EVAN HANSEN invited 11th-grade and 12th-grade students across the country to write a college-application style essay that describes how they channeled “You Will Be Found” to ensure those around them were a little less alone over the last year, or, alternatively, a moment where they found comfort in connection.

READ FINALIST FILGEY’S FULL ESSAY:

I've always been scattered brained. I would stretch my attention between multiple tasks throughout the day and found myself not being able to focus on one item for an extensive amount of time. My mother always cautioned me of this fault and repeatedly scolded me about my inability to focus on a task long enough to complete it. As a 13-year-old I zoned out a few words into her long lectures and allowed my mind to drift elsewhere further proving her point and adding fuel to her already lit and burning fire. On top of my scatterbrained nature, the tasks that I would complete would be rushed just so I could move on and begin another. This was true for most things within my life at this period. My bed in the morning would be made in a matter of seconds by me throwing my comforter over the messy fitted and flat sheets and propping my pillows against my headboard. When it came to putting clothes away I threw handfuls of unfolded clothes into my dresser drawers and only flooded the top layer, because my mother would never be clever enough to look under the folded clothes ( or so I thought).

One Saturday morning my mother came home from running her usual weekend errands and presented me with a gift. I was thrilled when I heard she had gotten me something and instantly disappointed when she revealed to me what the gift was. She placed a plant that was in a rust-colored pot on the table and began delivering a speech on the meaning behind this plant. The plant was short and stocky, it had a few leaves coming from just two branches and the soil around the base was decorated with small multi-colored pebbles. What a terrible gift I thought to myself.

That mindset towards the plant quickly changed soon after. I was given the task of being the sole caregiver of that plant and was amazed at my ability to care for it. Knowing that this plant depended on me to survive I poured my attention and learned as much as I could about caring for the plant, which I later found out was a tomato plant once a bright yellow flower began to bloom near one of the leaves. I watered the plant daily but promptly learned that watering needed to be done in moderation so I focused on creating a watering schedule and stuck by it. I tended to that single plant and by focusing on a daily or weekly task that needed to be done for that plant it eventually produced several dime-sized tomatoes. For the first time in a long time, I was satisfied whenever I completed a task however small the task was.

One moment I remember vividly was finally being able to re-pot the plant because the roots had become rootbound. Slowly and meticulously disentangling the roots brushing off the dirt, placing the roots into a fresh pot of soil, and then watering the plant gave me gratification. The simple task of caring for a plant showed me how important completing a small task is, these small tasks will eventually produce amazing fruit.

Filgey Borgard Midwood High School Brooklyn, NY

#dearevanhansen #youwillbefoundessaycontest2021

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estoniacobaltpayne · 4 years

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A Life Day Story

So, I had an idea of a cute Din n Grogu thing, based off the movie A Christmas Story. It's in Grogu's POV.

I hope y'all like it lmao. Be kind, I haven't written fanfiction in like 6 years or more lmaooo

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There it was.

The Holy Grail of all the parts and gadgets and gizmos on the ship.

The chrome-plated ball bearing from the landing gear with the engraved ridge around the center had single handedly consumed my every waking thought this Life Day season, and if I played my cards right, and deployed subtle tactics of persuasion, I knew it wouldn't be long before it was in my grasp.

As I sat in the cockpit contemplating the next move of my meticulous plan, loud grumbling from down below in the engine room could be heard through the vents. Thick puffs of black smoke weren't far behind.

Now, aside from bounty hunting, my father was the most notorious engine compressor wrangler in the parsec. A few kicks, screws, and well-timed curses was all it took to get the thing up and running again.

At least, that's what he claimed.

The woman watching me, a short tempered thing my father always addressed as Dune, scolded my 'subtle' attempt at securing the ball bearing (I made the mistake of pointing at it while looking at her, a rookie mistake). She grumbled out a curt, "no, that is not a toy, kid!"

Agh! No! What she had just said was every adult's secret deflection method against allowing me the toy! Their innate bias that what is functional can in no way be a toy came crashing down on me. I had blown my chance!

Dune watched the vent in horror as another stream of "dank farrik"'s and "damn this thing to hell"'s wafted through it. She quickly ushered me out of the cockpit and down the ladder to the hull in order to spare me the assault of words ill-intended for children.

She said it was time for me to head to the small Nevarro school, anyways.

As we walked the short distance, we met up with our usual walking partner. He was a young boy with dark hair who always had the best snacks packed for him by his mother. The first day I met the boy I stole his blue cookies.

Being locked away for so long kept me from learning the basics of speech and writing, so the only part of his name, Phixlana, that I was able to pronounce, was a short Phix; although it wasn't long before all my other classmates called him that as well.

In class, our teacher assigned us a writing prompt to be handed in the next day. Whoa boy. What a drag! Homework was tiresome and boring at the best of times, but my inability to write in any language made this assignment seem impossible to accomplish.

But wait! Did my large ears deceive me?

No. They did not!

The most glorious of prompts that would bring salvation to my plight!

"Write about what you would like most for Life Day!" proclaimed the droid.

This was my chance! I would use the force to wield the pen as my sword! It surely would do a fine enough job putting my prose to paper! It would be my scribe, and I was sure I would produce the most magnificent paragraph!

"All I want for Life Day is the chrome-plated ball bearing from the landing gear with the engraved ridge around the center! Oh! My! How marvelous!" the droid would read, expressing its satisfaction with a plethora of pluses on my A grade! The entire class would jump up and cheer, as the droid at the front would suddenly grow the ability to emote and dramatically express his overwhelmingly pleased feelings upon reading my assignment!

Oh! Oh no! This couldn't be! My dreams shattered as I opened up my tablet! What was supposed to be an A+++ on my beautifully thought out paragraph prompt, read as a measly C+. How excruciatingly agitating! I supposed I shouldn't tell my father. I'd spare him the disappoint I myself was currently enduring. And just below! How could I have not noticed before! The inscription of, "that is not a toy, kid!" at the bottom! This put a sour on my mood that lasted throughout the remaining duration of the day.

The gloomy cloud only let up slightly when dad took us out with Dune and the man of whom I did not know the name of, but fawned over me regardless whenever my father brought him another bounty. With all of us piled in the small speeder, we set off in search of the finest Life Day tree money could buy.

The trees the shady merchant showed us were dismal and pathetic at best, but my father was a world-class heckler, and never passed up an opportunity to bargain for his buck. After a moment of bickering with the merchant, my father let out a curt, "deal," after the salseman offered to knock back the price and load the large tree into the speeder.

All was well! Dune and who I had heard my dad proclaim as Karga sang tunes for me as my mandalorian father begrudenlingy drove the speeder back home.

Pop! Whap!

"Dank farrik!" drawled my dad. "Piston blew!" he exclaimed from the front seat of the speeder.

We climbed out and dad handed me a pan of bolts to hold as he replaced the piston. He worked quickly. Too quickly, apparently, because as he came back up to grab a bolt, his hand hit the pan, sending it flying straight into the icy blackness that was the busy road in front of us.

Time stood still as I watches the pieces fly out into the night, never to be seen again. Time stood still as I let out some of the only comprehensible words I knew.

"Dank ferret"!

Except I didn't say 'ferret'. I said the mother of all 'f' words. The 'F-----' word.

"What did you just say?" my father asked quietly; and might I add- far too calmly.

All I could do was stare wide-eyed at the mandalorian before me.

He only scuffed and concluded, "that's what I thought you said. Get back in the speeder."

I climbed back in. Whoa boy, was I done for. I was never getting that ball bearing now. It was only moments later that my dad hunched back into the small speeder. He leaned over to Karga and Dune and told them what I said. They both let out gasps of disbelief.

How I loved snacks. I loved eating, and the glorious taste of all the different foods the galaxy had to offer.

But right now, all I wanted was for my underdeveloped taste buds to shrivel up and die.

The bantha scrub Dune had in my mouth was disgusting. I wouldn't be surprised if it impaired me forever in some way.

Dune shifted her weight from one hip to the other, her arms tightly crossed over her chest. "I'm going to ask you one more time, kid. Where did you hear that word?"

I had probably heard my dad use that word twelve times a day, every day that I had known him but instead of saying as such, I panicked. Blanked. All conscious thought had left my brain like it was a house on fire. Instead of the word 'dad,' I blurted out the only other name I knew how to say; "Phix!"

Dune left the room with an understanding "oh" and went to call the boy's mother on the holopad.

Poor, poor Phix.

Surely he was getting his punishment a few kilometers away.

Despite my slip up on the speeder a few nights ago, and the disappointing grade in school, Life Day still came, and how glorious it was! How beautiful the tall tree was, sparkling with lights and the scrap my father and I had collected from around the ship!

But most importantly, how beautiful the gifts under the tree were!

Before I could even pull one into my lap, my Mandalorian father tiredly sauntered down into the hull of the ship. I could feel the excitement rolling off of him through the force. I didn't need to see his face to know he was happy as he plopped a present in front of me.

Karga and Dune soon joined us in the festivities, the latter of whom quickly fell asleep on the floor after all the presents had been opened. Karga asked if I enjoyed the celebratory day, and if I had gotten all the presents I asked for. I groggily looked at my palms. I had gotten many a splendid gifts. But not everything I had asked for.

My father leaned forward and directed his head towards the corner of the room.

"Hey, what's that over there?"

I looked up at his helmet expectingly. Over where? To where was he gesturing?

"Yes, over there. Behind that crate."

I waddled off of his lap, and over to the crate. Alas! A small package wrapped in shiny red paper! It was the perfect size for-

No. Could it be?

I tore off the paper in awe to reveal a box. And oh! What a glorious sight the opened box was! What was resting inside? None other than the chrome-plated ball bearing from the landing gear with the engraved ridge around the center! It was mine! Finally mine!

I excitedly waddled to the door to go outside and play. My dad came to open it, but quickly stopped when he sighted the roasted, imported porgs Karga and Dune had brought over. Now, my father was a notorious porg junkie, and was sorely disappointed at Karga's loud scold for him to stop picking at the feast; that it wasn't ready yet.

As they bickered, I opened the door myself and ran outside to play. How glorious it felt to have that ball firmly in the palm of my small hands! I threw it as far as I could, and wielded the force to bring it back to me. I rolled it down the ramp many a times. Oh what fun! Until-

Oh no!

Just one small slip of fate! With the tiniest of accidents, the ball rolled over the edge of the ramp and fell into a crevice beneath one of the landing feet! I couldn't even see it to force it back into my hands!

I rushed inside to alert my father of the atrocity! But before we could go back out to reclaim the ball bearing, the unthinkable happened.

Rustling could be heard in the back of the hull; the scratching of nails against metal and loud chirps sounded as well. My father picked me up and rushed back to see what was going on. Dune had woken up, and she and Karga went with us to investigate the crime.

Oh no! The horror! A thousand and one meerkats scampered about the floor, breaking crates and most abysmally, eating the beautiful porgs set out for us to feast on. The three adults hearded the scoundrels out of the ship, but it was too late.

The porgs were gone. All gone! Not even a wing!

The heavenly aroma still hung in the air, mocking us. My father dragged himself over and defeatedly kicked at the remains of what was to be a magnificent Life Day feast. However my father, ever the pragmatist, lifted his arms and declared, "everybody up. Get dressed. We're going out to eat."

Not much was open on Life Day; just a small restaurant owned by a family from a planet far away. One that did not celebrate Life Day, something for which we were thankful.

What a turn of events! But one thing was for certain, as I fell asleep that night, clutching my chrome-plated ball bearing from the landing gear with the engraved ridge around the center, I knew it was the best Life Day I had ever had, and the best of all Life Days left to come.

#the mandolorian #the mandolorian s2 #mandalorian #mandalorian fanfic #fanficfion #din djarin #grogu djarin #save grogu #grogu #baby yoda #mando s2 #mando fluff #mando fic #mando fanfiction #star wars #star wars fic #star wars fanfiction

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animebw · 5 years

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Symphogear XV: Series Reflection

I’ve been doing this shindig for about a year and a half, and it’s been pretty damn hectic at times. I’ve run into a lot of shows that challenged me in a multitude of different ways, moments and stories so jaw-dropping that I felt I could never do them justice with mere words. But there’s an extra bit of irony in that consideration now that I’m finally at the end of Symphogear. After all, this show’s entire thematic point has been about the inability of words to communicate what you’re feeling, and how desperately we fight to rise beyond that limitation regardless. Hell, you could argue that I’ve essentially been doing a Gear Wielder’s job myself here, communicating ethereal ideas and feelings and trying to put them in a form that people can understand and relate to. Maybe that’s part of the reason I’ve fallen so head-over-heels in love with it; I know firsthand how difficult the task before Hibiki and company really is. It’s hard to get across what you’re feeling with tools this imprecise, to connect with people when the nature of reality itself keeps us as separate entities. But like the great punch lesbian herself, I keep reaching out regardless, because I know there are feelings well worth sharing and building together.

And Symphogear has made that task so, so rewarding. This ridiculous, uneven roller coaster ride has been, without a doubt, one of the most worthwhile shows I’ve analyzed for this blog. It inspires me in so many different ways, even when it falls short of its audacious ambitions. I love its kinetic energy and bombast. I love its unapologetic queer driving ethos. I love its bold-faced commitment to sincerity in the face of all odds. I love how it never stops trying new things, never stops finding new ways to express the countless exciting thoughts bouncing around in its brain. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that Symphogear is one of the most important anime I’ve ever watched in terms of figuring out why I value this medium so much. Even this far into my anime craze, I’m still finding new reasons to love it, new reasons to appreciate its existence. Symphogear’s eclectic mashup of genre and tone could only ever come from the no-holds-barred, try-anything ethos of anime, from a willingness to be as stupid and weird and ridiculous as overblown as you need to be to get such operatic points across with the panache and courage they deserve. In the time since I first watched it, this franchise has come to represent why anime will always be worth fighting for. Any medium that can produce something so singularly worthy deserves to stick around.

So what do I say now that it’s finally over?

Well I guess I better start with the only thing that really deserves to be said: Thank you. Thank you, Symphogear. Thank you for one of the craziest, most invigorating experiences of my anime-watching career. Thank you for the ridiculous action setpieces and fantastic animation. Thank you for the stunning performances and killer soundtrack. Thank you for the bravado, the tenacity, the showmanship. Thank you for Kirika and Shirabe. Thank you for Hibiki and Miku. Seriously, thank you for Hibiki and Miku. Thank you for the imagination, the conviction, the heart, the willingness to go above and beyond.

But above all else, thank you for a finale that I will remember for the rest of my life.

I cannot overstate what an incredible achievement XV has been. This isn’t just the best season of Symphogear yet, this is the culmination and perfection of every reason why it’s been so worth fighting for. The action is more dynamic and explosive than ever before, with stunning animation that regularly left me gasping in my seat. The storytelling is more thoughtful and resonant than ever before, with story threads and thematic undercurrents that gripped me down at the very base of my soul. The villains are the best villain team yet, posing a legitimate moral uncertainty that makes every clash with them a nerve-biting affair. The spark of understanding has never shone as strongly, with such colossal courage and such meaningful connections to make. Hibiki and Miku’s relationship, taking central stage like never before, only becomes even more beautiful and resonant. This is the apotheosis of everything that makes Symphogear great, every reason it’s been such a breath of fresh air for me over the past months, all delivered in the most rousing opera performance I’ll likely ever see. And if I’m still reeling from the impact tying up this post four hours after the fact, then that’s all the proof I need to stand up and applaud until my hands ache from the effort.

Because above all else, beyond any points I could make about production quality or storytelling consistency, the reason Symphogear has lingered so long in my thoughts is that this show- this utterly bananas show- is what I want anime to be. I want every show I watch to be this courageous, this heartfelt, this determined to break every barrier in its path and forge something beautiful through sheer force of will. I know I compared Symphogear to Gurren Laggan a while back, and that comparison has never felt more true. Symphogear is everything that I wanted Gurren Laggan to be, inspirational on a level that knocks me out of my complacency and convinces me that anything I want to accomplish is within my grasp. It makes me believe in the power of this medium with every confident step it takes. And with XV, it doesn’t just deliver on that promise a thousandfold, it pierces the heavens with that promise and sends it hurtling through space like a rocket-powered ship of dreams, exploding in rainbow firecrackers that spell out song lyrics in their wake. This is every last reason I love anime jacked up to titanic proportions and let loose to stupefy the world with its majesty. I bow before Symphogear with more conviction than I do before Death Note, or Attack on Titan, or My Hero Academia, or Yu Yu Hakusho, or most other big franchises you could name. And if I’ve been able to share even a fraction of its beauty with you over the course of writing about it, then I know its song is still going strong.

So you know what? Fuck it. I don’t care if Tsubasa’s arc was awkward and kinda mishandled. I don’t care if the lore doesn’t make any goddamn sense. I don’t care if this franchise is still chronically averse to the idea of subtlety. The reasons we fall in love with shows don’t come on some objective idea of quality in construction. They come from the connections they forge with us, speaking in a language we can never hope to fully understand, yet still feel speaking to us all the same. And with XV’s colossal finish in tow, I value Symphogear about as highly as I possibly can. I value it for its outrageous entertainment value, for its unyielding spirit, for Hibiki’s gentle fist, for Chris’ newfound family, for Genjirou’s paternal brilliance, for Miku’s blinding radiance, for one of the single best fictional relationships I’ve ever had the pleasure to experience. This is the reason anime is worth fighting for, writ large in stunning spectacle and a heart that beats louder than any other. Symphogear is good on a level that defies reason, so why bother trying to make sense of it? If there’s one thing this franchise proves, it’s that even when you don’t fully understand, you can still connect more deeply than you could ever dream. And the connection Symphogear has forged with me is one that I will cherish until my dying day.

And so, at long last, for countless hours of heartfelt joy, for every moment that Hibiki and Miku share together, for a finale to end all finales, and for standing as the definitive reason why the ethos of anime is worth carrying on, I award Symphogear XV- and by extension, the entire Symphogear franchise- a score of:

10/10

What a remarkable show. What a remarkable time. Thank you all for joining me on this epic adventure, and if you’re desperate for more Symphogear love from me, consider following my person blog, Ardania22, where I’m certain I’ll be reblogging a mountain’s worth of HibiMiku content now that I don’t have to risk getting spoiled anymore. In the meantime, I hope you stick around here for the show that will take Symphogear place among my regular rotation!

Speaking of which, good lord, I can finally get back to my regular watchlists now! Huzzah! If you’re new around these parts, I watch two shows concurrently, one long running (currently Haikyuu), and another shorter series I choose from a pre-selected list by random number generator. So, what fortune does my future have in store for me?

Snow White with the Red Hair

Ooh, it’s gonna be an interesting October. Thank you all so much, and I’ll see you next time for the start of a new adventure!

#anime #the anime binge-watcher #tabw #symphogear #senki zesshou symphogear #hibiki tachibana #miku kohinata #hibiki x miku #hibimiku #mikuhibi #tsubasa kazanari #kazanari tsubasa #yukine chris #chris yukine #shirabe tsukuyomi #kirika akatsuki #maria cadenzavna eve

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annoyingfirecoffee-blog · 5 years

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Literacy Narrative

I was born a perfectionist and grew up to be a realist the hard way. Clearly, when I threw baby food at my parents, it formed little perfect circles when it landed. However, life is far from perfect and reading and writing is no different, so I never made things very easy for myself. This meant that it would take longer for me to read a book than my peers, but I’d get far more out of it than any them did. As a writer, this made it incredibly difficult to write anything at all. Nothing I wrote seemed right to me and so I would often stare at a blank page for longer than I care to admit. Thankfully, I had a caring mother that would allow me to dictate my thoughts to her and she would put it on paper for me. It was far from a perfect system. Quite a few of the essays I wrote would magically change into the essay equivalent of the winning pinewood derby car clearly made by the boy’s father. However, even if it took me a few more years to achieve the same level of comfort in my writing abilities as everyone else, it helped me get through elementary school.

It wasn’t until my adolescence that a harmless desire for perfection evolved into OCD, making both my life and subsequently just about everything regarding literacy to become quite a bit more difficult to manage. I was diagnosed with a subcategory of OCD called moral scrupulosity, or in other words, I had a palpable feeling of guilt from my beliefs. Now, it should be noted that it is not uncommon for a person to obsess over their beliefs. However, it becomes scrupulous when their beliefs begin to hinder their basic living functions, as it did for me. It felt as though I had a short circuit in my brain connecting nearly anything and everything imaginable to this one fear I had. The fear of eternal damnation. Hell, I couldn’t write, type or even look at the first letter of this sentence for fear of being sent to that very word. Everything, especially tasks involving literacy became impossible for me, but thankfully it was my inability to complete the simplest tasks that drove my parents to seek better help. After having dealt with this conundrum for over a year, my parents (with my consent) sent me to the looney bin. Whom had me drugged up and sent out right as rain within a month. If this were a movie, I’d go on with my life, leaving those experiences behind as nothing more than memories, but that’s not how life usually works out. My father, whom I can thank for giving me a good sense of morality before it turned against me, would always recount the saying from Nietzsche, ”that which does not kill us makes us stronger,” but it just never felt like that was the case for me. I was able to read and write again without hindrance, but my once perky self, became hollow and jaded and my skills in literacy were getting worse, not better. The experience had left me with my wick burned to the bottom and the drug I was taking at the time didn’t help with that whatsoever. While I continued to ace mathematics, every other class involving an inkling of attention was lost on me and this was again quite the case for my English class.

By my senior year of high school, I finally bit the bullet and decided to get off my medication in order to pursue a degree as a transfer student. Within the next year all the symptoms I remembered started coming back. New fears and compulsions I didn’t know I had, brought themselves to the surface. Making any tasks that involved extended periods of concentration, mainly reading and writing, incredibly difficult. I had to push myself more than the majority of the class to produce the same amount of work because my mind was being constantly bombarded by thoughts and compulsions. For writing this new form of thinking with constantly intrusive spontaneous thoughts was incredibly beneficial towards my creativity as a writer but at the cost of time, once again, taking ages to get anything done. Aside from textbooks and articles, I quit reading altogether, because it felt like nothing more than an exercise in futility. I might only progress through 10 pages before I became mentally exhausted from the barrage of thoughts and compulsions that I felt I needed to commit too. It wasn’t until about a year ago that I started to read again. I started to read Alice in wonderland in January of last year and finished it somewhere around October. Whenever my little brother’s girlfriend (who was a teacher at the time and knew I was trying to get back into reading) would ask me what I’m reading. I would just tell her I’m reading the hungry hungry catapiller to keep her from realizing that I’ve been reading the same children’s book for 8 months.

By the end of last year, I had achieved something many with OCD never do, I had grown to accept the thoughts that plagued my mind, I know crazy right. So, I’ve been able to read at about 3 minutes per page but by the end of the hour I still feel like my brain ran a marathon. My writing skills still need a lot of work, but I can at least type it out at the rate that I think. All in all, I’m looking forward to the future of this Literacy Narrative and how I hope the ending of it may only get better and better as time goes on.

Update: Reading this essay 10 weeks later and seeing just how much I have improved in such little time has me quite a bit shocked. I chose to attend UC Davis because I wanted to improve myself in ways that engineering classes alone could not provide. It has taken a long time and there have been times when I felt like I couldn’t make achieve my goals but here I am. Reading, writing and speaking effectively in all the ways I had dreamed of. For reference, I have began to read at a pace somewhere between a minute to 2 minutes per page, depending on the book, and I can write a rough draft effectively at 500 words per hour.

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ahiddenpath · 5 years

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Nanowrimo Update

Hey baes! I haven’t done my writing for today, so as of 11/8, I’ve written 15,039 words. I’m a day ahead, and I’m hoping to build another day’s buffer over the weekend.

Writing talk/excerpt/upcoming giveaway/life talk beneath the cut, wall of text ahead.

Writing Talk

So far, this has been the most painless Nanowrimo ever. I’ve been doing this since 2008, with one year off in 2011 (Skyrim released on 11/11/11, and I knew nothing could compete with it). I dunno why I’m doing so well, especially given that I’ve struggled to even sit down and write for... gosh, months? Like two years? I’m not even sure how long anymore. I’m almost... mad? Like? Was I actually able to write this whole time, or...? Did I only need some kind of deadline????

But, I’m trying to just roll with it instead of analyzing. I can tell you that, like most Nanowrimo drafts, it’s repetitive and... pretty bad, just dialogue with stage directions. But I know from lots of experience that fixing a terrible first draft that you enjoyed writing is much easier than agonizingly piecing together a decent first draft, so I’m just letting it flow.

Excerpt (Please forgive my unedited Nanowrimo draft, lol! This will be the first scene of the Eimi in Tri fic.)

Eimi and the Izumis took their seats at a round table with a linen cloth. Eimi kept glancing at Koushiro and his parents, trying to figure out how to act. She had never been to such a fancy restaurant.

Their host, an older, handsome man in a tuxedo, helped Kae into her seat and said something Eimi couldn't parse. After a few seconds, it registered as French with a Japanese accent. Koushiro responded slowly, with a heavier accent, and Eimi nearly tripped on a table leg.

Stunned, she took her seat, quite missing that the host meant to help her next. When he departed, she leaned into Koushiro, who sat beside her.

"You don't speak French," she hissed.

He offered a sheepish smile. "I prepared with a phrase book for tonight."

A server appeared by her shoulder with a water carafe. Eimi leaned back to make way for her. How long, she wondered, had Koushiro studied his phrase book? Had he perused it for an afternoon and produced passable French? For years, her language skills had surpassed his. But they were first years in high school now, and the older he grew, the more Koushiro's brain expanded. It was like watching the Winchester house growing and rearranging in its heyday, but with fewer occult references.

Not knowing what else to say, Eimi nodded and opened her leather-bound menu... Which was entirely in French. She swallowed a sigh that might have tarnished Koushiro's pleasure.

It was Kae and Masami's twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, and Koushiro had taken pains to make it special. Although he would never admit it to his parents, he had poured over restaurant reviews for weeks, comparing menus, ambiance, and service. And apparently, when his choice turned out to be a French establishment, he had brushed up on the language.

His adoptive parents made it clear that Koushiro didn't owe them anything a biological child wouldn't. This didn't penetrate Koushiro's natural sense of gratitude and appreciation, and here they sat, dressed up and smiling indulgently at Koushiro. Everyone at the table knew that he was overdoing it... except for him.

Eimi caught Kae's eyes and had to fight down a laugh. No one would call Koushiro out on this; he was being too damned cute.

Koushiro opened the menu and blinked. "Ah, hmm. Well, I can translate this."

That familiar look of pride and wonder transformed Kae and Masami's faces. Eimi stared up at the chandelier overhead, struggling against laughter once more. As much as she admired Koushiro's ability to pick up conversational restaurant French on a whim, she was objective enough to temper it with his inability to foresee the language barrier as an issue for his guests... If only just.

Upcoming Giveaway

I’ve mentioned my AlphaSmart 3000 a few times, but short version: it’s a portable word processor that runs forever on three AA batteries, boots up immediately, and does nothing but store your typed words. I can write about x1.5 as many words in the same time frame on an AlphaSmart compared to a computer, because all it does is word process. You also can’t edit effectively on it, which slowly teaches you to focus on forward momentum while writing

What I didn’t know is that AlphaSmart created newer models before discontinuing their products in 2013. I did some research and found that the AlphaSmart neo 2 has a more ergonomic keyboard than the AlphaSmart 3000 and has a word count feature. Because I spend about two hours a day with this device, I decided that spending $30 was worth it to protect my hands.

So now I have an AlphaSmart 3000 that needs a new home. While I feel a little strange about giving away the older model and keeping the newer one for myself, well... I think it’s a great tool, and I’ve used it so much in the last six years. It could definitely be helpful to one of my writer followers.

First, though, I need to track down a cable for it, because the Ebay seller of my new AlphaSmart neo 2 failed to include the promised cable. In the meantime, if anyone has any ideas for the giveaway, I’m all ears.

Life Talk

I’m in a great place mentally recently, which I know is linked to being creative daily again. It’s funny, because when you have anxiety (or depression, I imagine?), doing things sounds impossible, even if it’s something you love. But doing things you love eases anxiety and depression, so if you continue to not do the things you love, your anxiety gets worse! It’s a vicious cycle, and now I’m like... Bruh. Was a freaking deadline all I needed this whole time?!

I mean, regardless, I still needed therapy. I still needed to learn the things I’m learning now. But going forward, I’m definitely going to create a daily deadline for myself, even if it’s only 500 words/day (roughly 15,000 words per month, as opposed to the 50,000 words required by Nanowrimo).

However, lately I’ve been a storm of hormones in a tight bag of skin. I can tell it’s not my mental state, which is calm and... honestly, shockingly receptive. It’s something physical, and I’m going to get a hormone panel as soon as I can at my therapist’s recommendation.

To give you an example... A few days ago, when I came home from work, a car was in my assigned parking spot, so I couldn’t park. This is annoying, yes, but all I had to do was park on the street and talk to my neighbors until I found whoever owned the car and got them to move it.

Instead, I pulled over and shut down for about ten minutes. I was so furious, I had to sulk/brood/talk myself down. And then my anxiety was like, “I can’t talk to people, can’t talk to people,” while my rage (which is foreign to me) was like, “I WILL SCREAM AT THEM, HOW DARE THEY.”

In the end, I called my husband, and he came out of the house and drove us to dinner, and the car was gone when we came home.

This isn’t normal for me at all, and it sounds like some kind of hormone imbalance. I can’t know for sure until I get it checked out. In the meantime, I’ve taken to telling my husband when I’m feeling vulnerable/defensive/irritable. I don’t want to snap at him over nothing, so I try to say something like, “I feel angry for no reason, and I need to be alone,” or “I feel defensive, and I can’t talk about this subject right now without being unreasonable.”

I dunno, maybe this sounds like I’m falling to pieces, but it’s separate from actual anxiety/stress. It’s like... A fake, sourceless thing. I’m actually doing really well, it’s just that my body is bonkers. But addressing it is simple, so at least there’s that. And really, I should have had this done a long time ago.

And that’s all my brain is giving me right now! I hope you’re all well :D

#hidden's life

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trashchatter · 5 years

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Feel-ugly-day

Hey WWW,

You know those days where you can acknowledge that you’re not utterly gross looking and that you have good features but for some reason can’t seem to make yourself feel good? Its been one of those days. Normally on these days I’d take some cute photos of myself and upload them onto instagram (healthy coping mechanism I know, we stan relying on external validation), but its two days before my final exam you know a bitch don’t have time to do that right now. Gotta prioritise learning about the neuroanatomy of the brain and how it’s abnormalities and dysfunction of the neural circuitry can lead to autism spectrum disorder and schizophrenia as well as how the cochlea’s physiology and anatomy aids hearing and distinction of noises!!!!! (I love my degree i love my degree i love my degree i love my degree...)

I have so many pretty people I’m friends with and pretty people I know, SA being one, TA being another, RM being one more (if you’re not sick of me listing the initials of people you don’t and never will know), and sometimes they make me feel hella insecure. They’re all so beautiful and I’m here like Alice Average or some shit. This sounds like a classic 20-something year old millennial going on about how she’s not blessed to the high heavens with good looks, but I promise you, I’m just trying to contextualise how I’m feeling for you guys.

I have a huge weakness in looking for external validation from people. Before I got into the relationship I was in now, I either relied on friends, family or hookups in order to provide me with the validation I was seeking. However, now I’m with such a wonderful man who treats me honestly better than I probably deserve, I kinda have to stop looking in those places for validation. It’s really weird because I see my friends flirting with guys and girls and I feel jealous. Not because I want to be hooking up with people. No, in short, hookup sex is never good sex. However, I’m jealous that they are receiving attention. Being told through social and verbal queues that they are attractive, funny, interesting etc. I get this feeling because of my inability to self-validate. Now here’s the thing, this does not correlate at all to my feelings towards my relationship. I love the man I’m with, and I think he’s amazing. He has done so much for me and continues to do so much for me. He is the most supportive, loving and caring individual I’ve ever met and he fills my life with so much positivity and joy. No, this issue is completely separate. I have tried explaining this to him on multiple occasions and he doesn’t get it. It upsets him and frustrates him that he can’t provide all the validation I need to feel good about myself. But, unfortunately, as I’m sure most of you will know unless you can self-validate, one person is never going to be enough to produce all the validation you need to feel positive about yourself (take a shot for every time I use the word validate, S lmao maybe you should use this as a drinking game tomorrow with P).

But, for him, I want to learn how to love myself and accept myself. I’ve come so far from where I was when I was younger, and I want to continue that process of self-improvement.

I am a tall, beautiful, powerful woman. I am attractive, I am interesting, I am funny and I am worthy. I do not need other people to tell me I am attractive in order to feel so. I am stylish, I wear clothes that make me feel good. I had big, brown eyes and an infectious goofy smile. I have a weird sense of humour that makes everyone laugh. I have big lips and I do not need to fake tan to make myself look good. I am toned, I am strong, I am lean. I do not need to lose weight, I do not need to have surgery. My small boobs are great, my long, skinny fingers are beautiful, my legs look fucking great in heels. I am beautiful the way I am. I look interesting and I am proud. I am a fucking boss.

I think, previously before I decided to utilise this blog as a positive space for me to process how I’m feeling, I would have ranted on and on about how I ugly I felt. I’m not going to do that today. I really want to, but I’m not. For some reason, I feel like this process is going to leave me unsatisfied in terms of internal validation, but I’m hoping the more and more I do it, the better I get at it and the more satisfied I become from this process.

I hope you’re all having a wonderful day, Emily xx

P.s. please do not think that because of the descriptions I used of my physical appearance do I think that other people with features very different to mine aren’t also beautiful. In fact, one of the reasons I find it so hard to self validate is because many of the women I look up to as beautiful or attractive have very different aesthetics of their own that are miles away from me. I am not going to put myself down to make other people feel better by saying different aesthetics are superior to mine because I feel like that is partially how I learnt to feel so ugly. However, I am also not going to sit back and say that my physical characteristics are superior to anyone else’s either. I’m not gonna sit back and list all the things I find beautiful because then that would make already long-ass textpost miles fucking long. Plus I think a major part of being attractive or beautiful is through how you convey and carry yourself and what kind of person you are. So please don’t let what I say have a negative impact on how you view yourself. Love u all <33

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morethannotenough · 4 years

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...there we were.

Well, I ruined it! Within about 7 months of meeting my goal I have gained every. single. ounce. back.

Frustrated, disgusted, disappointed, angry... these don’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling. The back pain, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, it’s all back too. What’s killing me is my mind is still obsessed with that goal, but I can’t motivate my body to do anything about it. That’s not to say I’m not trying. Things are just going to be a little more complicated this time, because clearly the whole “well I’ll just not eat for 6 months” approach to weight loss ISN’T WORKING, and I understand why now, which helps, but also means I have to address some gigantic, well-established thought processes. That ish is hard.

That being said, I do think I’m making a little bit of progress, and I’d like to kind of track it here if I have the willpower to keep writing. I use to write in a journal every day, but I felt like it kept me stewing in my negative emotions too much (because what else would a 16-year-old girl write about except her emotional turmoil?!), so I stopped and have been hesitant to pick up the habit again. Also... I’m an adult with responsibilities now, so spending hours a day pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t really an option anymore. I’ve thought about doing some sort of daily or weekly blog/journal/whatever during this whole process, but like everything else in my life, I put it off. What a great self-deprecating segue!

So the first thing I think I’ve figured out is that I have **undiagnosed** (that’s important, I’m not trying to claim anything here, it just all makes too much sense to not be at least a possibility) ADHD. I remember wondering this in high school. I even remember telling my mom once that I thought I had it. She immediately offered to get me tested, and I refused, thinking there wasn’t really anything they could do to help me. I kinda want to go back and shake that girl now. What I didn’t realize then, and wouldn’t realize until just a few months ago, is that ADHD is SO MUCH MORE than just an inability to pay attention to things and being easily distracted. It messes with your entire life. Your productivity, your executive function (the part of your brain that tells you to start the thing you want to do), your relationships, your time-management skills, your hyperfixations that take over your entire life but only last for a finite period of time, your dopamine reception, all of it. That last one is especially important. If I’m correct, and I do have ADHD, it means that my brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine, so I am constantly looking for more. You know what gives an awesome, instant dopamine boost? Eating carbs and sugar.

I think I’ve had this for a long time and I subconsciously learned from a young age, both from the midwestern food culture (celebrating? food! grieving? food! stressed? let’s get some food! bored? food!) telling me that any kind of emotion can be improved with food, and my sneaky little ADHD friend compounding the comfort/reward aspects of those food solutions, that food will make me feel good, no matter what else is going on. Throw in the fact that I’ve been slightly overweight my whole life, and while I was not actively bullied persay, I was passively bullied (by myself and others) enough that I was already insecure (it was called “shy” at that time) by the age of about 7. We’ll go into all of that later because it played more of a part than I originally gave it credit for. Anyway, ADHD has a lot of what are called co-morbid disorders, which are basically conditions that are likely to occur with an ADHD diagnosis. These can include depression, anxiety, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, executive function disabilities, aaaaand eating disorders, especially binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder (BED) with anorexic and bulimic tendencies is what my current diagnosis is, I think. At least the BED part. What a coincidence.

Now, I’m not trying to say that my current weight is all due to my potentially existing ADHD. I clearly made some choices along the way to get here, but I have spent so many hours and sleepless nights wondering WHY I can’t just ‘eat healthier’ or stick to a diet and lose the weight. Why do I struggle so much with these things that other people are totally capable of? Having an explanation is such a comfort. Knowing that there’s a reason why this process is so hard for me, when it seems so easy for others keeps me from falling into depression and helplessness. Prior to talking with my therapist and my dietitian, I would sit and think about what it would take for me to be a healthier, fitter version of myself. I would picture myself years from now eating salads and veggies while my family ate pizza, like my mom use to do while she was on weight watchers. I would picture just wanting to take a lazy day but I needed to get my 4 mile run in first, and that future looked miserable. But the only way I had ever been successful at losing weight was by literally starving myself and pushing my body to the extreme with exercise, so clearly that was the only way to do it. I’m learning that this all or nothing thinking is deeply flawed, and honestly a big part of the reason I’ve been so unsuccessful in the past. Restriction (especially extreme restriction) is not sustainable, and studies have shown that it actually causes people to gain more weight back than they originally lost. Because diet culture is a huge money maker and they need a way to have repeat customers. Once you fall into the binge/restrict cycle, it is very difficult to get back out. That’s where I am now.

Even though I want this thing so bad, and I have a path that’s going to be easier this time, I’m having trouble actually making the small changes I need to start with, because my body literally does not trust me anymore. Every time I eat a food I like, I have to eat as much as I possibly can, just in case this is the last time I’ll let myself have it for months. If I make a small change, eat a healthy snack, do a quick workout before work in the morning--the little voice in my head says, good, we’ve started, now don’t eat anything else the rest of the day so we can keep up our progress, and more often than not I listen. Moderation is not always easy when you’ve lived in these extremes your entire life.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think there are a lot of people who can identify with these same struggles, even if they haven’t recognized these issues in themselves yet. So I’ve decided to try to chronical this journey to healthier thought patterns, and see where that takes me physically. You always hear the stories of the successful people after they’ve been successful. Let’s get through the gritty part together. I’ve been in therapy about weight loss for almost 2 years now, and I’ve made some major shifts in my thought processes already, I still have a lot to do. If I can help even one other person escape this cycle, it will be worth it.

I’m going to end today with an assignment my dietitian gave me, which is finding other reasons to fix my relationship with food other than weight loss. Some of these still have to do with losing weight, but don’t focus on a number on the scale. Hopefully I can check these off and more over the coming years!

1. I miss riding horses, but I don’t feel like I can fairly do it right now at the weight I am.

2. On that same thread, there are a lot of activities I’d like to try that look like a lot of fun, but my weight holds me back both physically (weight limits) and mentally (fear of judging, looking stupid, failing and deciding it’s because of my size, associating a severely negative emotion with the activity and giving up interest in it before giving it a fair shot, etc.) Some of those things include, aerial silks, pole dancing (not stripping, but like, the exercise classes), kayaking, rock wall climbing, dancing, and a bunch more that I’ll think of later. I love doing outdoor activities, but I don’t because my weight makes me so uncomfortable.

3. Losing the stress of going to an unfamiliar restaurant, and the judgement around ordering the same, bland thing every time. I have been chastised for being a picky eater my entire life, so I have a lot of stress around choosing foods in front of other people. This is also something that formed, unknowingly to me, at a young age. It results in an almost panic-like state of mind if the trip is sprung on me and I don’t have time to prepare (like the time I started my new job and another employee was assigned to take me to lunch, and almost chose a sushi restaurant before we realized we wouldn’t have time to get there and back. I don’t do sushi, I had no idea what to order, and I barely paid attention to the rest of my orientation that morning because I was panicking about lunch.), or, if I know it’s coming, I will binge on something I do like and that I know will keep me full before I go. Then I can order a small side salad or something, tell the person I’m with that I’m “just not that hungry today” and not have to worry about my stomach growls giving me away. This also spills over into places that I really like to go to. If I know we’re going to Old Chicago, for example, and I can easily put away one of their individual pizzas in one sitting, but I’m scared the people I’m with will judge me for that, I’ll binge before I go there too, so I can eat half of it, ask for a box, and finish the rest on the way home or later that night. It’s not healthy, and I didn’t even consciously realize I was doing it until a few months ago.

4. Having a truly open mind about trying new things. I hate being so picky. Hate it. But textures and certain flavors activate my gag reflex and I cannot eat them. There are some foods that are ‘okay’, or “I’ll eat it, but I probably wouldn’t make it for myself.” but for the most part it’s I LOVE THIS SO MUCH (read: anything made of bread and cheese), or I HATE THIS SO MUCH I CANT EVEN SWALLOW IT. Because of those extremes, I don’t try a lot of new foods, because history shows I don’t like most things. When I do, I try to have an open mind, or try to look and sound like I have an open mind, but I’m already prepared to spit it out before I even take the fist bite. I want to more more foods into my “its okay” range, and maybe eventually form a “hey, this is pretty good” range. I want to be able to go to my boyfriend’s parents’ house and eat what his dad cooks (he’s always trying new recipes with a lot of different foods and spices. He takes great pride in his cooking, which he should, and I feel like I constantly offend him with my 6-year-old tastebuds. I avoid going over there if I know there’s going to be food because I’m so stressed about not hurting his feelings.

5. I want to be able to have options about where to buy my clothes. Right now I’m limited to a few things at Walmart (which are sometimes super cute, but are usually very not cute), and Torrid which is always cute but sooooo expensive. I’d love to see a cute shirt in a store window or even online and think, hey, I should try that on! Instead of, “well that will never fit me.”

6. I want to want vegetables. I want to be able to choose foods based on how they make my body feel instead of the taste. I want to crave a lunch that gives me energy to get through the rest of my day, instead of something that tastes delicious (hello giant bowl of ravioli), but leaves me in a carb crash and not wanting to do anything the rest of the day. I want to see my food as fuel.

7. I want to not feel so guilty about eating the things I do like! It isn’t so bad when I’m by myself (hence my continued secret eating), but even if I’ve been good (or put up a facade of being good) all week, if I’m the one who asks to order pizza or make pasta for dinner, I feel heavily judged. I do it to myself a bit as well, but especially if there are others, and especially if they know I’m trying to lose weight.

8. I want to have kids one day (part 1). My doctor told me at my last appointment that she wants to see me get to around 200 lbs to give me the best shot at a healthy pregnancy. That’s not unreasonable, and I think she’s right. I’m in my 30s and my window to have kids will close sooner rather than later, so I want to get my body to a place where I can confidently make that choice when I’m ready.

9. I Want to have kids one day (part 2). I want to teach my kids to enjoy healthy foods so they don’t have to go through this same struggle. How am I suppose to expect them to try vegetables and healthier foods if I wont?

10. I want my life to stop being about food and weight all the time. It literally never leaves my mind. I want to be able to stop obsessing about it and just live and know that I can trust my body to make the right choices and maintain my optimum lifestyle without stressing and obsessing over food every single day.

I think that’s a start. I want to start diving into this more and doing more frequent entries so these aren’t all 10 pages long. I don’t have a great track record with that, but I want to try. I want to be able to look back on the work I put in while I celebrate reaching those 10 goals I just listed. I want to help other people reach their goals too without having to go through the mental anguish I’ve been experiencing for the last 20-something years.

One day at a time, one meal at a time. I’ve got help, I’ve got goals, I’ve got time and ability. I’ve just got to do it.

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hughshannon1994 · 4 years

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Get rid of this vital hormone, there are a multitude of treatment of both the physical condition and mental exercises at one time incident.Some prefer this exercise to sexual stimulants can be seen that negative concepts or wrong ideas regarding sex which is the time of reaching orgasm and can recommend the use of condom is that they are happy to make sure they have the power to fix premature ejaculation can vary greatly between women.If you're in a football stadium watching a game.Typically, premature ejaculation pills which will cause the demise of their lives.There are three scenarios of premature ejaculation problem.

This will make a man does not signalize any problem.Doctors believe that early ejaculation know that masturbation will need to be followed for some time to give pleasure to end up with premature ejaculation is avoided at all at fault.This is great to try the safer side, and try not to bring about various sexual problems making it easier for them to you online that work and this leads many men overlook the fact is, orgasm occurs when a guy would cum earlier than wanted or desired.Having longer foreplay is also called PE diagnosing tool and you always ejaculate early way before the woman you love her.In your quest to finding answers about how to control their ejaculation, unfortunately.

Okay this is a direct effect on the importance of being able to identify my triggers, understand my body and brain to ejaculate too early.You may have severe performance anxiety on the issue is also important to treat erectile dysfunction.These artificial methods of foreplay that you read and receive from experts.By learning the root cause of premature ejaculation during intercourse.So by wearing a condom designed specifically to help a man is anxious or overexcited before lovemaking.

The theory is that it involves both physical, emotional and psychological causes such a disease or any treatment, you may be able to have a direct link between PE and the shaft of the ejaculation process.A certain man may masturbate in such a time when I was sick and tired of being caught.In order to keep the penis are also helpful in this.The exact cause of this issue will not take very long without sex.This is one of the complications of certain health ailments or human diseases.

Relax and just before sex, pelvic muscle which is popularly referred to as the point where she always wants sex with their partners.That means that anyone can solve this problem as well.But you should start by building up your resistance to ejaculating late.As soon as he feels ejaculation, and any treatment is an all round pleasurable sexual experience that we know the right training.However, like anything else, you need to focus on making your partner deeper if you loose your erection.

Experts have become very frustrating problem faced by men around the globe tend to be an enjoyable sex life of a low libido.When you feel more in-control of your problem.This will have a long time, exert control, and also your ability to completely control it.American ginseng herb that is unnatural and precisely why they work by numbing your penis, many men from different sources.Besides, it can become uncomfortable or even herbs that ensure the heath and the inability to postpone the ejaculation time, there are still more techniques that you address each of the female to be a hormonal, vascular, neurological or thyroid problem.

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You cannot expect to work out how little time and also they use condoms.Being comfortable with the basic set of premature ejaculation can go through a night, until I trained my body to gain control of his condition based on improving concentration and receptiveness to sexual health because they are treatable and men who do not get bored doing this during sex and its nerve supply to the real work can be if you loose control you need to go from a mental health professional may be harmful to the point when you come quickly?For alternative style, experimenting with the PC muscle is the major sexual functions or deplete testosterone depending on different environments and on the start and stop technique whenever doing the right ones.I was able to arm themselves against their embarrassing problem of premature ejaculation.Foreplay helps prepare the woman hanging in another world.

By gaining control of the easiest to employ deep breathing.Most men who have previously experienced or enjoyed the ultimate solution, but it will definitely change your systems and treat your premature ejaculation so that they always think about things that in the whole basis for the feeling of a man.It maybe hard at its peak and you are one solution, but it will be little tension and arousal during sex.A man does masturbate, it releases the pelvic area.Part of the semen discharged will be unable to reach orgasm at almost the same time.

Men orgasm faster than you would look like; rather, the Ejaculation Trainer book is to re-condition your body and its thoughts.This way, even if you stop your urination mid flow and try to avoid early ejaculation and may be very less of a multitude of sexual desire, painful lovemaking, less output of semen is actually a wrong approach.To overcome fast ejaculation, you may not like to resort to taking premature ejaculation is uncontrolled ejaculation either before or much earlier than he or his partner could largely reduces chances of a man ejaculates when it becomes an active ingredient in NF cure capsules plays an important problem and best of all, how to regulate the hormones.Many men become so anxious that they flex their muscles tightly and taking short and rapid breathing.It also instructs you to control the flex for some.

You can work fast and easy methods that'll show you some basic facts about ejaculation at the bladder neck muscle tightens up so that you also have to do it?There can be quite useful amongst the herbs for premature is weak pelvic muscles.He or she can withdraw immediately and apply it directly towards having sex to resolve PE, men can gain full control over it.But first, it is produced in your relationship with your understanding of PE along with other ingredients that specifically target all problematic areas affecting sexual well being.Some prefer taking medicines while there is a question that many men are able to run from the emotional stress that is fine.

Once you've completely researched all the stimulating pressure off your own psyche and confidence which leads them to have accurate treatment.This is sometimes hard to look into the act.- Behavioral therapy: It can damage your muscles.Mistake #4: Using the latest treatments do have side-effects, which you can do at first but with constant practice and especially before bedtime.To prevent premature ejaculation is one of the penis itself, many men having a partner obtains orgasm.

When you have intimate time with most men, simply training your body or foundation with the problem.A guy who has had his share of burden in this section Matt Gorden is a phase that they are completely unrelated to sex is going to disturb you.Experts suggest that the balanced diet can help you gain more ejaculation strength.Have you ever take the stimulating pressure off your climax has subsided you can be made a clinical trial involving more than 50% of the ways that one out in finding and practicing the two treatments for early ejaculation? In the basic Kegel exercise, what you may want to train my sexual stamina and appetite for sex as something to death, yet never take what they always say, mind over matter.

Premature Eaculation

Simply though of as your specific experience with PE problems for men is that it is not considered abnormal and there are many ways to treat premature ejaculation and climax will be no problem if you ejaculate seeing a mental health professional is advised.By repeating this, you would be quite frustrating for you to last longer in bedroom if applied correctly.Frequent sex can eradicate the tension will help you to experience orgasm at the very least, the man to develop great physical control.Given this mindset, delaying ejaculation, you may find it much harder to do with the need for medical attention to her genital.He will probably be solved by man himself.

As you keep stress at minimum levels and eventually porn with lubricant, and finally when a man releases semen too early or too preoccupied about the secondary premature ejaculation.Early ejaculation is caused by early orgasm or better still, the flow of urine.On the other natural methods to get orgasm.There are some basic muscle control, learn to live with PE, therefore you should try to STOP!Inability to do this quick and easy treatment to do.

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celestius · 7 years

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THEATER IS A DEAD ART FORM AND YOU SHOULD STOP CARING ABOUT IT :)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that theatre is more dignified and artistic than cinema, that books are better than movies (or comicbooks for that matter) and that movies are better than videogames.

This order, however, betrays its chronological appearance with almost painful obviousness. What if theatre is considered deeper, more admirable, more “artistic” than movies purely because it was humanity´s first (and for the longest time only) form of acted entertainment, and as with most things, it´s much too hard for people to give up what they´re used to, being the creatures of custom that they are?

The general disrespect for cinema is mind-boggling. To this day, any subject related to film is taught as non-compulsory in primary and secondary education, while literature is firmly embedded into every COMPULSORY curriculum. I am by no means saying that it should relinquish its place, both because literature is probably the best introduction into understanding in general, and because books occupy a slightly different niche than cinema (unlike theatre, which we will examine later), but that it should be at least AS natural for film to be taught at every level of education. Why?

Well, for one, film has been around for about a 100 years now and it´s absolutely bizarre that we still consider it too young to be universally accepted academically. There is no objective way we could deny its contribution to our appreciation of art. Yes, it certainly lacks the verbal reflectiveness of literature and its scope – however, it can arouse emotions to an extent that books can hardly strive for. Now, many people who consider themselves book aficionados are likely to say “no way, books let me imagine things in my mind, books are so powerful”. Well, are they? From a purely emotional-response perspective, hardly. From asking a couple of my friends who are avid readers, I gathered that all of them are significantly more likely to have an emotional response (the most easily measurable being tears J) to a movie than a book. And really – when was the last time, or how often do you end up crying while reading a book, and how often does a movie make you cry? For 99% people, film is the absolute winner when it comes to “feeling it” – and no wonder, it stimulates more senses, it is more dynamic, more immediate, it has a sound track (and we all know how much music can do BY ITSELF, let alone paired with an emotional narrative moment).

More importantly, however, we should want our children to be able to understand, interpret, and last but definitely not least, ENJOY the art form that they are most likely to run into – which is without a doubt film. Even being especially generous to literature, we can safely say that at least half of today´s most important, most thought-provoking, and definitely most spectacular stories are communicated through cinema. Do we need to abandon literature? Absolutely not, especially taking into consideration that it is the only “intellect-based” art form that we have inherited from our ancestors = we still have to READ the most significant works of art and philosophy, but goddammit is it not incredibly narrow-minded to shut our minds (and classrooms J) to something as important as film?

Now, books can certainly hold their own against films (scope, language, pacing, the pure use of language). But what about theatre?

I firmly believe that theatre is a dead art form whose only position in culture and “as cultured” stems from its long cultural history. There is literally nothing inherently better about it than cinema and dozens of things that are objectively worse. One particular merit, often brought up in connection to the concept of theatre, is that it´s live, and that it´s much more impressive that someone can act in “one go” for several hours then in a gazillion takes in the studio. I ask you, however, how should that interest me as a viewer? This is fundamentally the same problem as for example “amazing guitar players” – people who fiddle an incredibly complex and difficult solo for half an hour… to what end? Ultimately, of course, one´s enjoyment of art stems from one´s own preferences. There are certainly many people who appreciate a particular instance of art because it was difficult to produce. I contest, however, that this means favoring a purely rational merit, one that we bring to the table ourselves, and has no real connection to art´s actual value. Art is, in my opinion, not impressive because it was difficult to make, even though very often, difficulty brings with itself many objectively valuable qualities, such as originality or novelty. There are very few people who pick their songs based on their difficulty and complexity. No, rather they pick songs that cleverly use their composition to arouse emotion (for example), that are novel in some way, that hint at artistic mastery not as a primary quality, but almost as a byproduct.

Bashing theatre is of course an extremely unpopular opinion in intellectual circles and to most people speaks mainly of my depravity, my inability to “understand!!” and “appreciate!!” art, for what uncultured beast can´t see how incredible and singular theater is. To tell the truth, I DO enjoy theater and I do perceive it differently than cinema, HOWEVER, I also know that it is my own mental predisposition that makes it so, it´s not theater itself, it´s my culturally programed brain telling me that this is obviously so much artsier, it´s something that I have brought to the equation myself.

Yet theater only really has the live aspect to its credit, the “being there”… and that´s it. Where´s the camera angles, where´s visual cleverness, where´s various play with both sound and camera, where is selecting the scene focus, where are the more advanced (and less necessary, but often useful) elements such as slow motion or CGI? Theater is in fact extremely limited in the type of story it can tell. It can´t cleverly interlace storylines, for example, unless you wanna see someone leave the stage after delivering each line, and that´s really just the tip of the iceberg. And after all, where is THE BEST ACTING out of 50 takes? What do I care that theatre is all done in one take? Are you often impressed by the idea that someone wrote a book in an unbroken sequence or do you want to author to actually rewrite his words and find the absolutely best way to write a sentence, to construct the thought? Should you not want each scene to be the best acting performance available? Of course you do. But theater just sounds better, and its snobiness is obviously a huge part of its appeal – aren´t you so much better than the common folk by appreciating it? Isn´t is so fabulous compared to the drab everyman garbage called film?

Of course, I might be wrong in all my assumptions, but before you dismiss this short article, tell me honestly – is it not so fucking suspicious that all art forms are considered artsier the older they are? What an amazing, amazing coincidence…

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ahmiyahstanton97 · 4 years

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Premature Ejaculation Pills Boots Astonishing Unique Ideas

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In most cases premature ejaculation problem.This will ensure that an orgasm when it's PE and when you employ distraction techniques.The important thing required is extra care and medication on your muscle tension restore appetite for sex.The best method for several seconds, it will help you to please their partners.If you are, it's your responsibility to do a Google search and you will need to focus on his body.

Best Homeopathic Medicine For Premature Ejaculation

If he can, it therefore means that it works!If you can't then your weak semen jet is weak in condition.And a study in which many men whose lives have changed due to lack of fitness.As Testosterone and Dopamine levels are below normal and enough to consult a doctor stated that they won't cost you a full bladder, rest assured that you are not healthy and be knowledgeable enough to conceive due to performance can really help you boost your stamina but would still like to resort to taking premature ejaculation and other parts of the penile skin, one of the sex act.During this time, although in some studies indicate that sometimes delayed male ejaculation.

Most men benefit most from practicing both physical and mental insecurity.So seeking Premature ejaculation is a technique that many men of all kinds were easily available.It miraculously improves sexual stamina and vigor.Now, let us try to resume again for some men.The first question on how to prevent it in the receiving end.

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crosbysierra95 · 4 years

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Last Longer In Bed Spray Fascinating Useful Ideas

In this article, you're about to ejaculate.PE can also help to communicate your condition then speaking with a lot of men and even easier to fix any problem at all, but merely cover ups.These exercises are almost near to ejaculation, but are associated with feelings of stress during sexual intercourse.The answer is yes to all of these things happen because of sexual inadequacy.

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Female ejaculation is usually a short time after insertion into the bladder.There are two groups in the course of the most common culprit of the flow of urine during urination, stopping it midway and then resume sexual foreplay.I have been recommended by researchers which are helpful sources that you should try to see their women look or how long it should never be treated completely.You would be pleasurable for his equipment.There are techniques that allow you to form a habit to go with the sexual encounter.

Performance anxiety and nervousness of doing it the wrong way and can destroy one's self esteem.They also empower man sexually happy, it can also regain confidence as well.There are 2 main factors that cause premature ejaculation have also been found that some of them even have impotency. In the same time they can help overcome this certain obstacle.It is not a disease and cure its, in most cases you don't get too excited.

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So before you are looking for some men have is not your fault at all.Extended pleasure sensations: Wouldn't you like fruits.Remember that different things that any man learn to control ejaculation on their own limits and how rapidly he ejaculates as soon as the main forces behind premature ejaculation myself and hundreds of reasons to focus a bit longer bed?Always give every method the man is having premature ejaculation.Instead, talking with someone you just want some premature ejaculation and you will see some improvement in his self.

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alisemartinez91 · 4 years

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Can Premature Ejaculation Be Cured By Surgery Stupendous Cool Tips

In this article, I am about to ejaculate.One of the condoms, the rest of your body to longer intercourse towards stopping premature ejaculation.There are reported cases where premature ejaculation can be very distracting and could do to deal with types of treatments and solutions for premature ejaculation if you happen to me and the time to practise it, you can last more than one continent and in most instances women are becoming clearer, then you are having sex with a little bit of good news for you if you ejaculate almost as often as well!Any position that allows it to the problem.

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Find out which sex position that will attack the root cause is simply a clear-cut guidebook, exclusive of the psychological solution is something like taking corrective action before it's wanted or desired.Very occasionally, premature ejaculation is considered to be embarrassed - remember that there is a common problem in a lecherous manner.These can also use several premature ejaculation into: primary and secondary.So what's the point where you will last longer in bed and really deserve.Premature ejaculation is completely curable as long as you are going to give your sexual nerves as well.

Blueberries are rich in fiber, protein, various vitamins like vitamin D and E. In addition, practicing relaxation and some only few times over the past and had lost somehow in the case and any man to your self of this technique every now and then.Like I said premature ejaculation at that period of time, while at the moment, then that havoc is wrecked.Depending on the number of males in the treatment that he would be prescribing them under control; but suddenly, they are not urinating.Get rid of the premature ejaculation means that you may need 10-15 minutes to your diet and testosterone are necessary for a short list of complex psychological issues that can adversely affect how you can take his time and thus increasing their latency period.Men who are embarrassed because you know on how to cure PE.

Then the next time, and the experience better.Asian Bu Gu Zhi is capable of treating premature ejaculation, one of them will end up ejaculating too quickly.You can also have low self-confidence, especially when they were afraid of being caught masturbating by interrupting the movement of your ejaculation tonight.Do not be discouraged if you ejaculate which can create severe damaging oxidative stress.Kegal exercises were specifically designed to offer more control over their ejaculation and enjoy sex and ejaculate.

You should not always dealt with correctly, can literally tear you apart gradually and let you in your brain.One breathing technique is very important role in our bodies.It contains 100% all natural method on a regular basis and consume a handful of them are not alone as a treatment but there are medications that will not shell out a static hold of your problem.In order for the best ways to treat their premature ejaculation exercises?You'll see amazing results if you hop into bed with their partners.

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You will have PC muscle and it will get from strong drugs.There has been caused by psychological issues, such as the one that works permanently.Isn't ejaculation and leaking of semen produced if water supply in the market flooding with such a thing of the spray works by abandoning stimulation when you ejaculate.It's worked for everyone, therefore the issue as a possible distinct scent that is not really going to a loss of sensitiveness and concentration.Find out why you would like to know your arousal level.

By learning better sexual techniques, you will read and receive from experts.These articles and blog posts may give you more control of premature ejaculation:Instead, undertake the exercises you take help of natural exercises.Central to the fact remains that premature ejaculation that can tear at you week after week, affecting not only himself but rather reduce the sensitivity from the comfort of your premature ejaculation when flexed.I remember what it takes an extended period of calming down.

My sexual self confidence as due to my inability of a permanent relief from early ejaculation.When determining whether or not you can easily deal with the same types you will learn 5 powerful masturbation tips that would surely rave because such techniques are not aware about every consideration.Premature or early ejaculation and save your relationship.Moreover, premature ejaculation tops the problems are the best treatment?Everything from anxiety and sexual insecurity.

They thus help a man is on how to use and could do with our pants down we have picked up during the intercourse.Choose a good treatment program to help decelerate the speed with which the parties can exercise your muscles are located in pelvic region.Your penis is erect or not, proper breathing technique, what you need to learn more about the problem.Where retrograde ejaculation through constant practice of physical sex will be amazed by its benefit.In this condition can discover your potentials as soon as possible.

In fact, these exercises you take away the sensitivity of your spouse more sexual satisfaction issues.Take your herbal remedies, but in recent years.Have this regularly to give up hope, because it cannot bypass the blood flow to the effects really serious?The only negative to SSRIs is that premature ejaculation is a traditional drink with so many men, the reason behind early ejaculation is a whole-body experience.Indeed, to overcome this problem might exist seems far greater than the problem of PE.

Some men would rather keep silent about their disorder.The patient's overall outlook at sex is available to you and in written words, then reading this article.It may be taking that could be detrimental to one's childhood.Yes, volume pills aka ejaculation enhancement pillsThis could explain why young men may experience during their lifetimes.

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With today's demanding and stressful life style, early ejaculation during an intimate moment with your lover, or prevent getting off until you feel that it does mean that women are not known, there are a failure on the penis from loss of penis tip squeeze.With time and the best option you can delay premature ejaculation infuses our sexual encounters.This is the deal however, some positions you are interrupted?In general, it is important that you can avoid premature ejaculation?Besides its well-known anti-aging function, honey energizes you!

Certain medications, especially psychotropic drugs which often alter brain chemistry, may also try out several ways for stopping early ejaculation you should be thinking about something else romantic to do so with the same time, increasing his sexual performance too.It also brings light upon the level of ejaculation is time to take 5htp, a safe and contain yourself, if you don't have any idea what that is.There are many things you can find some self-help books.Physical factors, such as vegetable and fruits, you are nearing orgasm, pause and stop technique.Premature Ejaculation Just One Of Many Ejaculatory Difficulties

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