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Fuck my life

Lmao my grandpa is dying, my relationship is rockyTM, I’m poor and can’t see any of my friends. How’s your life going?

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Feel-ugly-day

Hey WWW,

You know those days where you can acknowledge that you’re not utterly gross looking and that you have good features but for some reason can’t seem to make yourself feel good? Its been one of those days. Normally on these days I’d take some cute photos of myself and upload them onto instagram (healthy coping mechanism I know, we stan relying on external validation), but its two days before my final exam you know a bitch don’t have time to do that right now. Gotta prioritise learning about the neuroanatomy of the brain and how it’s abnormalities and dysfunction of the neural circuitry can lead to autism spectrum disorder and schizophrenia as well as how the cochlea’s physiology and anatomy aids hearing and distinction of noises!!!!! (I love my degree i love my degree i love my degree i love my degree...)

I have so many pretty people I’m friends with and pretty people I know, SA being one, TA being another, RM being one more (if you’re not sick of me listing the initials of people you don’t and never will know), and sometimes they make me feel hella insecure. They’re all so beautiful and I’m here like Alice Average or some shit. This sounds like a classic 20-something year old millennial going on about how she’s not blessed to the high heavens with good looks, but I promise you, I’m just trying to contextualise how I’m feeling for you guys.

I have a huge weakness in looking for external validation from people. Before I got into the relationship I was in now, I either relied on friends, family or hookups in order to provide me with the validation I was seeking. However, now I’m with such a wonderful man who treats me honestly better than I probably deserve, I kinda have to stop looking in those places for validation. It’s really weird because I see my friends flirting with guys and girls and I feel jealous. Not because I want to be hooking up with people. No, in short, hookup sex is never good sex. However, I’m jealous that they are receiving attention. Being told through social and verbal queues that they are attractive, funny, interesting etc. I get this feeling because of my inability to self-validate. Now here’s the thing, this does not correlate at all to my feelings towards my relationship. I love the man I’m with, and I think he’s amazing. He has done so much for me and continues to do so much for me. He is the most supportive, loving and caring individual I’ve ever met and he fills my life with so much positivity and joy. No, this issue is completely separate. I have tried explaining this to him on multiple occasions and he doesn’t get it. It upsets him and frustrates him that he can’t provide all the validation I need to feel good about myself. But, unfortunately, as I’m sure most of you will know unless you can self-validate, one person is never going to be enough to produce all the validation you need to feel positive about yourself (take a shot for every time I use the word validate, S lmao maybe you should use this as a drinking game tomorrow with P).

But, for him, I want to learn how to love myself and accept myself. I’ve come so far from where I was when I was younger, and I want to continue that process of self-improvement.

I am a tall, beautiful, powerful woman. I am attractive, I am interesting, I am funny and I am worthy. I do not need other people to tell me I am attractive in order to feel so. I am stylish, I wear clothes that make me feel good. I had big, brown eyes and an infectious goofy smile. I have a weird sense of humour that makes everyone laugh. I have big lips and I do not need to fake tan to make myself look good. I am toned, I am strong, I am lean. I do not need to lose weight, I do not need to have surgery. My small boobs are great, my long, skinny fingers are beautiful, my legs look fucking great in heels. I am beautiful the way I am. I look interesting and I am proud. I am a fucking boss.

I think, previously before I decided to utilise this blog as a positive space for me to process how I’m feeling, I would have ranted on and on about how I ugly I felt. I’m not going to do that today. I really want to, but I’m not. For some reason, I feel like this process is going to leave me unsatisfied in terms of internal validation, but I’m hoping the more and more I do it, the better I get at it and the more satisfied I become from this process.

I hope you’re all having a wonderful day, Emily xx

P.s. please do not think that because of the descriptions I used of my physical appearance do I think that other people with features very different to mine aren’t also beautiful. In fact, one of the reasons I find it so hard to self validate is because many of the women I look up to as beautiful or attractive have very different aesthetics of their own that are miles away from me. I am not going to put myself down to make other people feel better by saying different aesthetics are superior to mine because I feel like that is partially how I learnt to feel so ugly. However, I am also not going to sit back and say that my physical characteristics are superior to anyone else’s either. I’m not gonna sit back and list all the things I find beautiful because then that would make already long-ass textpost miles fucking long. Plus I think a major part of being attractive or beautiful is through how you convey and carry yourself and what kind of person you are. So please don’t let what I say have a negative impact on how you view yourself. Love u all <33

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Haaaaard

Hey WWW,

Today has been hard. I went into this UCL exam season wanting to do well. To smash my exams so I could get into medical school as a post-grad. I wanted to make up for the absolute fuck up that was last year’s exams. But once again I find myself three days before an exam and I’m too tired, too exhausted, too burnt out (too lazy?) to work.

I have my favourite exam (I know, how weird am I to have a favourite exam) last, which is in three days on Tuesday. Its a neurophysiology module and by far the most interesting class I’ve taken this year. I have three essay plans to write out and one final set of notes to make. All of which I could totally bang out in a day if I wanted but can I make myself? Apparently not.

I still have enough time to pull everything back and do well in this exam, which I need to do in order to do well this year. I need an attitude change though.

Today has been too much ‘I can’t make myself, I’m so tired, I’ll just do it tomorrow’. Nope, I’m not giving myself any more excuses. I’m gonna sit down and bang out at least one essay plan if it kills me. I’ve got this. It’s literally three more days. I can’t fall at the last hurdle. If I ended up missing out on the grade I wanted this year because of this exam I would be so upset and mad at myself. I’m better than this.

This new attitude is a lesson I’m learning slowly but surely. Sure I might not have the most time to get my shit together before this exam, but I’m sure as hell not going to go down without a fight.

Hope exam season is going well for everyone.

Emily xx

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A letter to 17-year-old me

Dear WWW (as I used to say lmao),

To be honest, reading back through some of what I used to write it’s heartbreaking. The saying goes time heals all but time also makes you forget as well. It was weird, reading back through this page has been a huge eye-opener to how far I’ve come, how different I am, but also how lost I was. I’m by no means saying I’m amazing now or that I’ve figured it all out but I’m definitely a million miles away from where I used to be.

Three years ago, I was lonely, I was scared and I felt completely trapped. The past three years I have grown up so much and become so much more of the person I want to be. Not all my posts on this blog were about my mental health, but the ones that were really stuck with me and have impacted me in a very strange way. I have been recently going through a very rough patch mentally. I had completely forgotten about this blog until literally about three days ago. However, after finding it again, being able to sit here and read back through what I thought and felt is a very strange experience.

It has been strange in two ways. First: looking back through this and seeing how I felt versus how I am now and how my perception of the world has changed. Let’s just say the shift is dramatic. On top of this, I’d like to say my ability to construct a sentence without typos has also dramatically improved. However, seeing all the ways in which I haven’t changed. It’s like having a conversation with 17 year old me in the best and worst ways possible.

Secondly: knowing the outcome of everything I was going through, knowing exactly what I would experience in the upcoming three years, the people I’d meet the places I’d go and the things I’d do. Trust me, it was worth it. Knowing where I am now compared to where I thought I was going to be. Honestly, looking back at this makes me so proud of myself. It also makes me realise how cynical I have become. Compared to how much hope I had for the world, how hard everything hit me, and how much I cared about people, the planet (basically everyone except me lmao) it’s strangely inspiring.

Some of this stuff I’d completely forgotten. Some of it I remember as clear as yesterday. But in the end, I actually am so thankful to 17 year old me for starting this blog. In that vein, I am going to continue posting on here every day (hopefully, we’ll see lmao) to continue to preserve my thoughts and feelings for future me to look back on to enjoy, freak out about, and learn from.

All the best everyone <3

Emily xxx

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Hey WWW, I have two questions I think I need to mull over for the net few days:

1. am I happy alone? (follow up question being, if not, wtf am I gonna do about it?)

and

2. am I happy with myself?

For the first time in a while, I’ve felt uncomfortable in myself. Well, maybe not uncomfortable in myself so much as with myself? I don’t know how to explain it. I feel unsettled quite a lot of the time, like some of the stuff I’m doing is changing me. I feel kinda sad, lowkey sad, though. Maybe it’s that I finally feel secure enough to have a relationship and people think it’s too late in the year to start them? Maybe it’s because I seem to be doing a lot more partying and less working, or hanging out with different people or something? I feel like I’m constantly trying to be someone I’m not and it’s stressing me out. 

To be honest, it might just be that I’m finally done with Smallsbury and just want to move on at this point. I feel like I’m trying to impress a lot of people and do a lot of things and none of it’s making me happy. Don’t get me wrong: I’m definitely not sad. Like I said, I’m just uncomfortable and I think I’m making a lot of people bored with the same conversation strains over and over and not really quite knowing what to do with myself.

On a much happier note, I got my first university offer! I’ve been offered a conditional place at KCL (King’s College London) to study biochemistry if I get AAB in my A Levels. First uni out of five. My friend Ry’s been offered an interview at Cambridge to study Maths so I’m so excited for him! It feels like everything’s been moving super fast and I’m not sure I can keep up. All I can say is I’m really looking forward to Christmas break!

Anyway, stay safe, stay sane kiddos. I’m probably go to sleep now. Night! Emily x

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The BEST wingwoman ever

 Hey WWW, So that is my official title. I am the best wingwoman of all time. Well, I can’t claim all the credit. I had a little help from my friends. But we were the best wingman/woman team ever.

I’m not good at getting off with people at parties. To be honest, I’m not really sure if it’s my scene. What I am damn good at is making sure my friends have a good time and that they have fun with the people they like. So, on form last night, 2/2 designated couples got together because I am a genius.

SIDE NOTE: I’m going to abbreviate names because talking about private lives is kinda embarrassing and I don’t want to piss people off.

Firstly, my greatest achievement is F&M. F was too chicken to actually get off with M and M was getting probs just a little bored waiting around for F to actually make a move so he started getting with the host, C. C was playing the game pretty well if you ask me. She’s a cute girl and to be honest I can totally see why M would go there, but F started to look really upset about the whole thing so me and this other guy devised a plan. First we had to get C off M which was a challenge and a half. C was understandably upset, but like, F had called dibs. Maybe I’m the only one with that moral code or anything but if one of my mates has called dibs on someone then I pretty much immediately back off unless they make moves on me.  So I distracted C and my partner in crime somehow got F and M into a room together. Nothing really happened between them, but F got her kiss from the immpression I got and so she was pretty happy for the rest of the evening. We then let C loose again and a little thing may have happened between M&C, but if I’m being honest, I really don’t think that M liked F all that much. The only reason I’m happy they got had a thing is because F was a little happier the entire evening rather than mopey.

The other two that got off were H and R. Now. While it was super funny at the time (2 HOURS IN THE UPSTAIRS BEDROOM OMG), there’s now a little emotional miscommunication between the two. H is interested in a lot more than R is and R is interested in someone else for something a little more... long term shall we say? H is understandably upset I think, or will be, but the thing we need to avoid is her getting back with her ex. That would be very, very bad. Trust. Oh God we need to avoid that. But, they definitely seemed like they had fun at the time, which is the good thing about all of this. Ugh, emotions. I mean what are they actually good for?

Other than that, C threw up at 9pm and M threw up after I left around 2 in the morning and the house looked pretty trashed when I left, which isn’t great because C’s parents weren’t aware that there was going to be a party. They knew that a few girls were coming over, but they said if there was a party/any boys then she’d never be able have people over again so I hope she got the house cleaned up. Personally I think that’s just a tad dramatic but, hey, they’re not my parents. It was all pretty standard party behaviour, nothing out of the ordinary. I think some speed was past around but I didn’t have any, and the house was full of vape smoke and strobe was going mental. I’ll be surprised if C doesn’t have a few pissed off neighbours this morning. I also hope everyone else had a really fun time at work today. (EDIT: H apparently nearly threw up on her manager twice today and got sent home early.)

Anyway, I’ve got to go get ready for round 2 tonight and actually eat something before I leave. I hope everyone’s having a good weekend.

Emily x

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One of those days

Hey WWW, Today has been, well, one of those days. You know the kind. The ones that start off well and productive and you’re feeling good and are thinking ‘hell yeah, tomorrow’s Friday, I can do this’ and you get to lunch and you’re still feeling good. You get the biggest piece of that goddamned delicious nutella cake that the canteen are selling and then out of nowhere, BAM, some little thing just suddenly makes your entire day go off kilter and things start going wrong left, right and centre.

I can’t even remember what set it off. I mean, I’ve been tired all day. I haven’t really been sleeping. I think I’d missed a homework due for biology and then I started to stress and then took some stuff that was said the wrong way and then some guy literally said I was the worst human being ever and I made him want to die (later found out it was a joke, but it really didn’t seem like it at the time). That was pretty humiliating. Worst part was, said guy didn’t really understand what was so shitty about him saying that. Really? Announcing that in the middle of a silent class of 20 odd people, you can’t understand why I’d be a little bit upset with you saying I made you want to commit suicide. Right. Normally I’d say I wasn’t bad with taking banter-y insults. I’m pretty good at telling when people don’t mean the things the say, and so it doesn’t bother me. I don’t know, it seemed a kind of shitty thing to do.

Anyway, moving on. I have finally committed myself to getting a job. Just one until the end of Christmas so I can afford to get people decent presents and (hopefully) buy myself a new phone. I’ve applied for one at the Body Shop and one at a local restaurant so far so I’m waiting to hear back from them, as well as doing freelance waitressing next week on Wednesday for a few hours and applying to be a part time stall helper at our local Christmas market. Hopefully, I’ll hear back from someone soon because, god, I need the money.

I’ve finally decided (pretty much) on the universities I’m going to apply for. I’m applying to do biochemistry and applying for places at Edinburgh, Durham, UCL, KCL, and Sussex. I’ve sent my personal statement to be assessed for the last time (fingers crossed) and then there’s not much I can do except sit back and wait for the offers. A few of my friends have already sent out applications. Two of them have received offers, both of them have both their offers from Bath and Bristol. I’m literally shitting myself, I’m so worried I won’t get offered a place anywhere.

With all this considered, by the time I got to my clarinet lesson, I was a tired and nervous wreck pretty much. God, trying to get a sequence of pleasantly toned, correct notes was a challenge and a half and my teacher called it quits halfway through the lesson and sent me home saying I looked like I hadn’t slept in a week. Isn’t that a lovely thing to hear from someone? To be honest though, I’m glad she did. On the way home I nearly crash the car by veering into a side hedge lining the road because I wasn’t paying attention. I woke up pretty fast after that, thankfully.

Pretty much ever since I got home I’ve sat around and not done much. I helped mum cook dinner and did a little biology homework, but I’m so tired my brain won’t really focus. Writing this is like trying to write through fog and words aren’t really coming naturally to me, so I’m sorry if this seems a little forced.

I hope everyone else has made it through to Friday okay. Only an hour and a half left until the last day before the weekend. I just hope I survive tomorrow!

Emily x

Edit: I’m not going to be posting tomorrow unless its halfway through the day. I’ve got a party in the evening and I doubt I’m going to be in the right mind frame to write an entry, BUT I will try and update you on all the drAMa that happens (if any does) on Saturday morning and then I probably won’t post again on Saturday. I will however post on Sunday about the other party I’ve got on Saturday night (friend’s 18th), so this weekend should be... interesting.

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Tattoo Designs

Hey WWW, Today me and my friend, who is the most amazing artist, sat down and sketched out a few ideas for my first tattoos. I say multiple because I’m planning on getting a few of them initially as part of a theme thing I want to have going on. I don’t want to say too much yet because I want to show you guys when I get them done. I’m so excited, though. Even first sketches were absolutely awesome.

I also got a few of my photos from the summer printed out as well, but I want a few more printed out for my wall so I stick them up in a totally white girl aesthetic kind of way. That and I don’t think I have nearly enough photos of people. I have a few of me and my sister and me doing Nijmegen and stuff but none of just me and my friends hanging out and stuff. 

Other than that, not much happened today. I got coffee with one of my friends who goes to a different sixth form to me and it was really nice to see her. She’s got the same name as me and when we met up we’d realised we’d basically worn the same outfit too. It’s funny, because we’re almost completely different people in appearance and also in how we react to situations and people and out mannerisms are pretty different too. I love her so much though. It’s always nice to see her, she’s so lovely.

To be honest, today’s been a pretty boring day. School and then coffee with friends and then I went home and did my economics homework and then watched Ghost Adventures (fml) until I started writing this. The only cool thing we did at school today was more biology on photosynthesis (I know, I know, I’m  complete and utter nerd and i love it). It was so interesting and cool and biochemistry is so, so cool.

On a completely unrelated subject, I started reading The Girl on the Train which I refuse to make a judgement on until I’ve further through it, but so far I’m not really sure how I feel about the characters as people and narrators. They don’t seem the most reliable of... people at the best of times. But like I said, not making a judgement on the book. It seems pretty slow paced for the moment though. I’ve also taken Dracula out of the school library and I can’t wait to read. I’m reading it as a part of a Halloween Read-A-Thon starting 10th October and I want to start it now but I can’t :(

I’m gonna stop here so I can plan my blog post for my book blog and also print off my economics homework. Hope you all had a good day :) Emily x

P.s. I’m sorry this is kinda all over the place. I’m writing this really late so my thoughts aren’t overly collected but I got massively distracted earlier when I was meant to be writing this. Oops? Sorry. Have a good night!

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ARGHHHHHHHHHH

Hey WWW, I’m losing it. I swear I am. Okay, actually I’m not. As in things are going really well. Worryingly well.

My classes are actually interesting, I’m sitting with my friends, my anxiety is pretty low level, I’m not doing amazingly in school but I’m on track for what I want which is good, I’m developing a work-social life balance, I’m reading some pretty cool books, uni’s happening. Honestly, I’m feeling pretty great right now. So it’s more like I’m thinking of all the fabulous ways things can fuck up.

The biggest one would be if I didn’t get my grades for uni. That would be a pretty big hurdle. At the moment I need 3A’s or A*AA to get into the unis I want to go to (Oxford, UCL, Durham, Edinburgh and Sussex), which is weighing on me quite a bit. The second biggest way things could go tits up would probably be drama with one of my friends when I was drunk or something or getting into an argument with them. I really, really don’t want any drama this year. 

God, if you’re up there, please, if you give me two things, give me good grades and no drama. Amen.

(The third biggest problem is my obsession with goddamned Ghost Adventures, I swear I need to stop watching that show. It’s so dumb and I love it.)

The reason I think I’m losing it is simply because these things never ever go this well for me. In year 7, 8, 9 I was bullied, in year 10 my best friend(s) tried to kill themselves, in year 11 I was worried out of my mind about exams and was pretty goddamned depressed and then in year 12 I had AS levels which freaked me out and was just settling into sixth form which was stressful as hell. In year 13, I have exams, but in 8 months I’ll be finished with school, and the exams aren’t anything I can’t handle, I have great friends (albeit they’re complete losers, but I love them anyway), I finally feel like I’m controlling things instead of them controlling me and it feels great. I’m scared if I start to take it for granted then it’s all going to disappear.

I know I haven’t really been doing daily updates on my general day and stuff, but I want to create a bit of a background on how I’m feeling instead of just going and then this happened and then this happened and then I did this and then I went there which is what I felt like it became before and I got kind of bored of it. So obviously I’m still going to be doing the daily stuff but just... some days I might rant on a specific topic. Like today, with my worrying about how good everything’s going, and yesterday with complete and utter addiction to spending. At some point I’ll make a post addressing my... time off, shall we say? Don’t worry, nothing horrific happened, but I want to get back into the groove of blogging on the daily before I hark back to what happened before. (Sorry to spoil, but there wasn’t that much drama. Sorry if that’s what you’re looking for.)

Hope you all have a good evening Emily x

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I have a spending problem

Hey WWW, I have another problem. Yes, I have an addiction outside of watching Ghost Adventures. I spend way too much.You’re probably thinking, who doesn’t think they don’t spend too much? Emily, stop being so melodramatic but no, seriously, I have an actual problem. Okay, let me explain.

Today I went shopping with my mum. I’m not going to disclose the amount we spent, but let’s just say if I didn’t goddamn love the clothes I’d bought then I’d seriously be returning half of them. And, dear Lord, I didn’t even buy any of the stuff I needed to buy for any upcoming events. Nothing seriously. I get money, and then it falls out of my purse into a cash register and I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I try so hard to not spend money, but oh my god, books and clothes and jewellery and music. I can’t help myself. It’s like I’m not even conscious about the money I’ve spent until I get home and I’m online shopping and go to buy something and then realise, holy shit, I’ve already spent £200 today. I need someone with me at all times because it’s not just clothing. I’ll be on Instagram or WordPress and realise that a new book’s been released and before I know it, BAM, I’ve preordered the hardbacked, signed, limited edition, gold leaf covered book that’s a once in lifetime buy and costs me the equivalent of my house. Okay, slight exaggeration, but the point still holds. I’ve got three copies of the same book. I have a first edition normal, first-edition signed, and first edition extra chapter version of Empire of Storms by Sarah J. Maas. I mean, who does that?? And don’t even get me started on the time I was walking between campuses for lessons at school and stress bought a pair of limited edition docs that I don’t even wear.

Maybe the answer is to get a monthly limit on how much I can withdraw from my bank. But then again what if I find something that I just have to have? No, I must exercise self-restraint.

I think this problem is even bigger than my Ghost Adventures one. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a pretty fabulous problem to have. That is until you realise you don’t have any money anymore and a new book (cough Crooked Kingdoms cough) is coming out in a few weeks and you can’t buy it because you owe your mum stupid amounts of money. I need a job.

To conclude this epic rant about my shopaholism, I need help. And I need it fast. Pray for me guys.

Emily x

P.s. I didn’t get any work done last night, I got distracted by Mad Max on TV and a sickly child :( hope you all had a great weekend

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ITS OCTOBER MONTH

Hey WWW, Guys, I have a problem.

I’ve been watching way too much Ghost Adventures.

I know, I know, I’m complete and utter trash! It’s such complete trash TV, and the acting is so bad, but I love it so much. They’re so ridiculous, and its so stupid, but you can’t help but watch more. I’m freaking myself out more than anything else is, but I CAN’T STOP. I think I need to give myself an intervention. But after this episode, okay?

But anyway, at least it’s on the theme of Halloween month, right? I’ve gotta say, apart from the fact I have school throughout October, I think it’s possibly my favourite month. I mean, warm jumpers, fires, cosy evenings, what’s not to love? Okay, so maybe that makes me a hopeless romantic, but who cares? Plus, it doesn’t hurt that Strictly’s also on.

Other than the intervention, I think the other thing I need a break from is school. As always, I started the year with such motivation like, hell yeah, I can get A*s, this year can go up itself. Now my attitude is way more please let me make it to the end of the week and hand most of my homework in on time. Ahhhhh. The stresssssss. I swear my entire life is just chemistry, biology, and economics now. Well, that and reading and blogging.

Right now I’m babysitting, so I’ll put the kid to bed in about 15 minutes, and then I’ll finish this post, then maybe put one up on my other blog, and then I’ll do my economics homework, and do some revision for something basically until the kid’s parents come back. How goddamned depressing is that? But at least Ed Balls is going to do the Charleston dressed as a cowboy on Strictly at some point this evening. That is literally all that’s getting me through this evening.

In terms of mental health, though, it’s coming and going. Generally, I’m in a pretty good place right now, and plus the fact that I actually have somewhat of a social life probably helps a bit. Seeing people gets me out of my head which is a good thing.

This is probably a good place to end at, so I’ll update you guys on whether I actually get any work done this evening tomorrow.

Emily

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Little Update

Hey WWW, I'm not dead (yet)! Yes I'm okay, and surprisingly coping well with exams stress -- I mean it varies from day to day, as most of you will know from either having done exams or doing exams right now (good luck to you guys), but actually having just sat two past papers for physics and chemistry for revision I got an A in my physics mechanics paper (I know right, what the hell??) and a really high B in my chemistry, and the unit 2 mock I did on Tuesday for economics I got a B in so I'm actually really happy about where I'm at with those three (although biology is a different story). School is school, life is life. The world keeps turning, exams keep getting closer. It's all okay to me now. I just need to keep going at the rate I'm going and I'll do okay. I might even do well. I hope everyone else is coping okay, I know finals, A levels, SATs, GCSEs or whatever you're doing is massively stressful so good luck to everyone, and I hope you're not all dying right now. I'll probably honestly update once more before exam period starts in two weeks (AHHHHHH!) and then maybe once or twice during it and then I'll be back to normal. That's a promise I'm making to myself. Anyway guys, I'm gonna crash, it's like half 10 here and I have a physics mock first thing tomorrow that I've got to actually be conscious for, wish me luck! Emily xx

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Explanation

Heya WWW, So I guess I owe you guys an explanation as to why I’ve been AWOL for so long. I would say its a long story but its not really.

To put it shortly, as exams are getting closer I start freaking out more and as I start freaking out more I begin to develop an inability to do anything but either work, do my clubs/volunteering/sport, and go to school. Even seeing my friends has massively fallen by the wayside, and my social life exists in the form of Skyping my friends whilst doing work. Occasionally seeing someone and waving at them when I’m running with my dad.

So as you can imagine, my brain being filled full of chemistry, biology, physics and economics, as well as pre-exam stress, there isn’t much room for actually writing anything interest or amusing, or at all coherent really. So this little blog of mine has fallen by the wayside a little bit, and for that I’m really sorry. Unfortunately I have about three more weeks before exams begin, and in an attempt to build a routine I will try to write as often as I can, but after 16th May I can’t give any promises on how often or regularly I will be able to write.

I know this is meant to be an outlet for me, but honestly i think some of the stuff I’ll be feeling then won’t exactly be appropriate to be putting on the internet due to the amount of stress and anxiety I will be going through (and how triggering that might before people) and also how personal some of those thoughts will get.

Obviously, as soon as exam period is over (mid way through June I think, my exam period is 5 weeks long) I will be back to blogging as normal, with even more exciting posts about uni open days and concerts and parties and shit as my life gets back to normal, but I’m putting an apology forward for my previous inconsistency (by that I mean pretty much radio silence) over the past two/three weeks and an apology in advance for the continuation of my complete shittiness which will probably only get more shitty as I get closer to exams and then as exams get more stressful.

Good luck to everyone also doing any kind of exams during this time (GCSE, IB, A levels, uni, SATS or whatever) and don’t stress yourself out too much kids. Stay safe out there, and I can absolutely guarantee the exams you’re taking will not matter in five years, so whatever happens, you’ll be okay. Worst comes to worst you can just resit them a year later.

Take care guys Emily xx

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Bought Reading Tickets

Heya WWW, Finally bought the tickets :D now I’m excited!

Again, not a proper update, honestly, I’ll probably only get round to it at the weekend because I’m so busy and tired right now.

Sorry! Emily xx

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Pretty much a rant about how awesome the arts are*

*Especially music because that’s the one I do

Heya WWW, I got nothing to say. Like literally. I’ve tried writing this over and over with different spins about 9 times already, and I haven’t gotten much further than the third sentence.

I don’t want to talk about anything depressing, but also I’m not really in a mood or a headspace to be putting a light spin on things. I mean I’m literally talking about the kind of funeral I’d want with Elsa. Well, actually conversation just changed from that to me hating on the guy we met at the solstice last year who was full of bullshit conspiracies. I swear, she picks up the weirdest guys! I mean he was cool because free weed but still.

Man, that was a good night. I kind of wish my entire like was like that, it would be so much easier. In those kinda of places I just feel weightless, like nothing can really touch me. Nothing good or bad, and its pretty epic. Just any situation away from school, or drama or anything really, were it doesn’t intrude or cross my mind.

I think I should stop with the depressing music right now. Gonna listen to some Jack Johnson or Hozier or something like that.

Ah, already feeling better. God, music’s weird. It can completely change your mood, and change your perspective. I love music. The freedom of expression you have from creativity of any kind really. I can’t draw for the life of me, but when I play clarinet for me I feel a kind of freedom I don’t get from anything else. When I’m writing like I am now, its so cathartic and calming. At risk of sounding like a young adult novel about a special kid who sees the world in a new and unique™, but no two people can play the same piece and have it mean the same thing to the performer you know? But that’s the beauty of interpretation, you can make anything into whatever you want. Fuck, I could say Trees by Twenty One Pilots is about a cow, or Mozart’s clarinet concerto in A major is actually about the loss of his favourite shirt or something, or relate them to something some completely different in my life to the meaning it was written in the first place.

I just really love music okay?

And the fact that the government want to cut down on school’s creative subjects budgets really bugs me. It’s pretty much proven that children, teenagers and adults who have a creative output go on to have more productive, fulfilling lives on the whole.

But whatever, what would I know, I’m just a 17 year old girl right? I don’t know the world of politics, why would anyone listen to my opinion on the arts.

And on that totally happy note, I’m gonna go, adios kids.

Emily xx

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Excuse the photo spam, last pics of us Segway-ing

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