#i lost a pet in 2019 it is a horrible pain

[solargeist]

i can't stop thinking abt scar's cat jellie, especially after he talked abt having a hard 2023, i hope 2024 rly looks up for him :(

[epaily]

s2 e6 liveblog! last one!

aziraphale is so protective of everyone it warms my heart

i hope nina and maggie get a good ending. who am i kidding i know they will.

crowley sticks out soo bad in heaven lmao

BEES

roasting heavens security lmaooo

"youre not a bee youre a murder hornet!"

hate that hair on him

FUCK THEM UP MAGGIE

SHE FLIPPED THEM OFF

FUCK EM UPPPPP

oh FUCK

this is the second time his shop has been violated augh

METATRON????

VINDICATIONNNNNNNN?????

oh shit!!! he opened it!!!

HAHA get rolled demons

earth 2023 simulator

ah that was the real gabriel! i thought he'd already been wiped with that it sounded so wrong

he just said no??? thats weird

this has to be killing aziraphale right. that has to be ruining so many books just as well as water. i know its for the greater good but

this is so incorrect

something is so wrong

gabriel Should Not be speaking like that

oh the books are SO killing him

and sure enough he dropped the matchbox

has he been faking this whole time??? i Cannot Tell-

HALO

AZIRAPHALE HAS A HALO

HALO

HALO

HALO

oh my god

A WAR????? GIRL-

ITS THE LASTEPISODE WHAT DO YOU MEAN A WAR-

this is a MESS

DAGON????????????

cant you undo a miracle????? i feel like i remember that

pet fly lmao thats kinda cute

AUGH NO NOT THE EYE

EW EW EW EW EW

lol the s1 footage

gabriel and beezlebub arguing is just as funny as it was 4 years ago

i still want to know why gabriel chose no war. that doesnt sound like him

awe beezlebub likes music

shelly conn is cute

they keep meeting. somethings up.

i smell blood in the water. do you remember the amount of porn of these two in 2019.

hes back 👀

awe he said thank you

why is this more romantic then aziraphale and crowley have been the whole season

THERES NO FUCKIN WAY

NO WAY

THIS IS FAKE

THERES NO FUCKING WAY

anna maxwell martin is so sad she missed out on this LMAOOOOO

i cannot FUCKING believe this is happening

if they kiss im throwing my phone

awe they just vanished. this is so weird. i could never of fucking predicted this in a million years. never. NEVER. NEVER

METATRON

VINDICATIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNÑNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

i cannot get over muriel. she thought she was going for lunch with them. she asked for a book. "theyre like people! but portable!" omfg cute shes not quite their kid but shes something

DID NINA JUST CALL MAGGIE ANGEL

WAH

good for nina taking her time! shes going through a breakthrough and needs a break. good for fucking her.

"you never communicate" oh NO oh god is this going to break me im scared

they will not shut the fuck up. i love them so fucking much.

WHAT

CROWLEY COULD BE AN ANGEL AGAIN

oh no

oh no

i dont like where this is going

oh my fucking god

head in hands

OK BYE SAY IT IM GONNA HYPERVENTALATE

IM LOSING MY MIND

I AM LOSING

MY

FUCKING

THEY KISSED

MIND

MY MIND IS GONE ITS LOST IT IS NOT HERE

I AM NOT HERE

IM GONE

GONE

GONE

GONE

can these bitches stop breaking up

SECOND COMING

oh my god aziraphale youre making a horrible mistake

im not even in pain im just mentally not here

AND ITS. DONE? GIRL-

im screaming im screaming currently can you hear me screaming? because im screaming

i think i need to

lay down

and

process

this.

[mccoys-killer-queen]

don't read if you don't want your day to be ruined

tw: pet death

Ziggy's dying. I don't know what happened, if it's just old age or the fact he broke his teeth and he's just in a lot of pain, but it's not looking good. I tried to get in contact with literally 9 different vet offices and NONE of them are open on weekends. And the emergency ones don't even take exotics. I've called so many places, and I've gotten nowhere. I don't even know if he'll survive until Monday when his vet reopens. He's barely moving around, trying to sleep but unable to, he's breathing very fast and heavily, and just looks terrible.

I always was prepared for him to die in 2021 even before 2021 began, but yeah, it still hurts pretty fucking bad ;c I can't stand watching him suffer. I wish I could euthanize him so at least I know he went peacefully instead of suffering until the end -n-

I already ordered a necklace to put his ashes into, and contacted a crematorium. I'm gonna buy some baby food and a syringe to try and get him to eat, but like I said, it's not looking good. I spent half the day crying and singing to him, trying to be with him so he's not alone, and it's breaking my heart.

For those who don't know, I got Ziggy during one of the lowest points of my life (November 2019). I recently graduated high school, was severely undiagnosed with depression, recently quit a horrible job that I was only at for a few days, my grandfather died that same week, and I was feeling so lost in life. I felt it was the end. I had no direction, was unemployed, my depression was extremely bad, and I was living for nothing, and felt nothing would ever come along for the rest of my life.

One day I decided to go to the pet store and look at the prices of hamster cages, because I was thinking of getting another hamster in the future (since my previous one had died at the end of the summer). While I was there, they were playing cover bands of classic rock artists. As I looked around at the hamsters, I was starting to feel impulsive, and wondered if I should just get a hamster on the spot.

Then, Def Leppard came on the radio. Not a cover, actual Leppard. Rock of Ages.

It felt like a sign, thinking "wow that was coincidental, maybe I should get a hamster- it's fate!" but I still walked around for a few minutes, thinking.

And the, Def Leppard came on again. Rocket.

Okay. That was the sign. I had to get a hamster. But what should I name it?

"Ziggy, Bennie and the Jets!"

Ziggy. Yes. Ziggy!

I picked the orange hamster they had- orange and white, and I named him Ziggy. Ziggy Zaggy Zeppelin. Once I was in the car with him and all his supplies, I took him out of the box, and gently held him against me. He ducked his head underneath the collar of my denim jacket, and stayed like that for a minute. I gently stroked him with my thumb, whispering softly "it's okay, Ziggy. It's okay, Ziggy..." and I began to cry. Here was a little light in the abyss I was in. I had something to take care of, something to love.

Ziggy and I bonded with our souls- as my sister likes to say. He seemed to understand me, and he seemed to recognize me and behave differently around me. He preferred me, and he made it clear.

He's my creamsicle, my tribble, my bubby wubby, my Ziggy Stardust. He;s my 5th hamster, but he's so different then the ones we had in the past.

Ziggy is my first pet that I owned myself. I've been through so much with him, and I don't know how I'm gonna get through life without him there to pop his little head out of his peanut house because he heard me walk down the stairs at night.

So much has happened since November 21st 2019. I hope I made it good for you, Zig. Momma loves you so much, and I'm never gonna leave you in a box in the backyard.

[queenlists]

demonic love.

A/N: This is the short awaited part 2 of "He chose her, so I chose him". If you haven't read part one, please go ahead and check out "He chose her, so I chose him" before continuing. You can find it in my masterlist! Requests are open as usual. I was so excitedly overwhelmed by the comments on part one that my smile started to hurt after a bit. Thank you for all of the support! I appreciate each and every one of you. Also, I'm on the big 30 for followers! 30 people liked my work enough to follow me. That's just insane to me and makes me incredibly happy! Thank you all. I really hope you enjoy this! ❤✌

Post date: 11/24/2019

My heart is going crazy. It's hot. I'm hot. I can't breathe. I'm starting to feel suffocated. Everywhere I look, there's someone standing there. All eyes on me, waiting for me to say something. To say anything. I gasp out for air. I gasp out for help. I start to frantically look around for an out. For a pause button. Sam's chuckling to himself. He knows he's got me in a bad position. He's made me the spotlight, the main focus of a personal horror show. Dean is looking between Sam and I, he can't make sense of the situation "What is going on? How do you two know each other?" "Yeah, (Y/n). How do we know each other? Tell your fiance." Sam sniggered, cocking an eyebrow at me, smirking. His smile was identical to a snake's. 

I couldn't speak even if I tried to. My throat was drier than a desert. My tongue was stiff. My mouth was clamped shut. I just frantically looked between the two brothers. Sam was having the time of his life, laughing and clapping at my anxiety ridden state while Dean was getting very upset, red started to creep over his skin. "How do you know Sammy? Tell me, (Y/n)!" Dean harshly demanded. My heart dropped at his tone. He never talked to me like this before. I opened my mouth to speak, but Sam decided the fun of it all was getting stale "(Y/n) and I are together." Sam yawned, stretching. The audience dramatically gasped and started chattering amongst themselves.

I took notice of the side glances I got from the people that I knew and loved. I took notice of the new distance between the crowd of loved ones and I. I took notice of the small tear Dean tried to conceal. I noticed the short cackle from Sam. All of the sudden, everything became all too noticeable. I couldn't speak. I couldn't speak even after Dean ripped the metal off of my finger, pushing past me. I couldn't speak even after the sound of gravel crunching under Dean's heavy boots faded into the roar of Baby speeding off into the distance. I couldn't speak even after my family and friends gathered around me pleading for an answer, begging for me to even make a sound. Anything.  I couldn't speak even after my father led my weeping mother to the car. I couldn't speak even after my best friend stood there, holding my hand. I couldn't speak. I only stared at Sam. He smiled at me, completely ignoring the shouting coming from my best friend.

"(Y/n), let's leave. You sure are a piece of shit, Sam!" My best friend spat at Sam, tugging me away from the scene. I obediently followed my best friend's footsteps, looking back at Sam. Sam slid his hands into the pockets of his worn jeans, winking at me. Finally, I felt it. I felt everything. I felt the pain he caused me in the past. I felt the loneliness of leaving my life behind for him. I felt the guilt of abandoning my life. I felt the anger I should have felt minutes ago. I felt the sadness of the absence of the metal on my finger. I felt the sadness of losing the one man I could say I truly loved. I felt it all. In an instant, I was right in front of Sam's face, pounding my fists as hard as I could against his chest over and over again. Hot tears flooded my face as I screamed and continued to hit the stiff Winchester. He stood there, taking every blow. Not moving. Not speaking. "You ruined my life! You ruined my new chance! We aren't together! You ruined everything all over again!" I screamed at him over and over, my hits never falling flat. My best friend pulled me back, pulling me into a tight hug.

"You're just a pathetic little thing, aren't you?" My best friend chuckled, petting my hair. I quickly pulled away from her embrace, staring into unfamiliar, black eyes. I felt a cold shudder before I felt a hard object hit me in the back of the head. Falling to the ground, my head throbbed as I winced in pain. Looking up at my assailants, Sam and my best friend began to kiss one another. Wrapped in each other's cold embrace without a care in the world before looking down at me with terrifying smiles. I laid there, acceptingly allowing the darkness to seep in, taking away the pain as well as the light.

------------

I don't know how long I've been chained up here in what looks like a mossy basement. I used to rely on my three meals a day to indicate how many days have passed, but those meals have become scarce. I lost count at fifteen. If I were to guess, I'd say it's been a month - maybe even two. Maybe three. I don't know! I smell horrible, my clothes are heavy with dirt and sweat, my stomach is crying out for food, and my hair is matted. I haven't seen myself since that morning. That morning my life took it's biggest twist and turn yet. I always look back on that day before the chain of events took place. My best friend was prepping me up, not telling me what the big day was about. I feel sick thinking about her. Turns out, my best friend was long gone weeks before that. Ruby was just testing the waters with me and keeping Sam up to date. I always mentally kick myself for not noticing any differences. I feel my heart break at the thought of my parents. They probably think I abandonded them again, not bothering to look for me. Not bothering to notify anyone of my disappearance. I lick my lips at the memory of my breakfast plate that I left untouched. My mouth salivated at the memory of the smell of breakfast that morning. My biggest regret as of right now is that I didn't even take a nibble. I found myself scratching at my empty, weeping stomach. I'm starved.

I heard the basement door creak open then slam shut followed by light footsteps. Her. Ruby walked with extra pep in her step with a plate. Flaunting my dead best friend's flesh around as if it was hers to begin with. "Eat up." Ruby dropped the plate down at my feet, shattering the glass against the concrete floor. "Oops! I hope you don't cut your mouth." Ruby giggled, prancing back up the stairs. I could hear the latches lock in place. They made sure I could never escape. I crawled over to the broken plate of food, taking a deep breath. Two cold pieces of stale pizza. I shoved the slices down my throat. The pizza was cold and noticeably old. The crust had become hard as a rock, but I couldn't care less. It was my first meal in awhile. It tasted like a dream. I whined at the empty pieces of plate, desperately scattering them around in search of even a crumb. I resorted to sucking and biting my fingers after I failed to find any remainder of any crumbs. I could still taste the pizza on my fingers, closing my eyes in a desperate satisfaction eventually dozing off into a small food coma.

--------

"(Y/n), wake up."

My eyes fluttered open at the voice and I gasped, sitting up quickly. "(Y/n/n), you're with me now." The familiar voice cooed at me. His calloused hands, gently rubbed my thigh. I winced at his touch, not in pain, but in fear. "It's me. It's me, Dean." Dean smiled at me, cautiously pulling me into a gentle hug. My arms immediately wrapped around him, my face buried into his flannel shirt breathing in his familiar musky scent. I finally took a look around, I was out of the basement. I was in some cheap motel room, but at that moment I couldn't have been more overjoyed. I looked down as I noticed that I was in a clean change of clothes. They were still warm from what I assumed to be a dryer. I lifted my arms with the relief of not having heavy chains weighing them down, smelling myself I felt a smile that I hadn't felt in a long time creep across my face. I smelled like sweet strawberries. Waving my arms around freely brought tears to my eyes. I felt hot tears flow down my cheeks as I rejoiced in my freedom, smiling and laughing "I'm free!" "That depends, sweetheart." "Depends on what?" My smile dropped as I cautiously moved away from Dean. He smirked, his eyes flashing black "Depends on how good you can be for me."

Tag list: @vicmc624

[echocardiogram]

I feel like an asshole for doing this, but I’ve seen posts like this every year and I’ve never thought poorly of the poster and I could really use a smile, so here it goes: 

I won’t be getting any Christmas presents this year. It’s been a really long time since I’ve gotten any presents for anything. And I would really, really love to have something to open this year. So I put together a wishlist on Amazon. There are some really small, affordable items. It would mean the world to me to know someone cares and was thinking about me this holiday season. 

I don’t share personal issues and events very often, but I figure if I’m asking a bunch of strangers for Christmas presents, I owe you guys some sort of an explanation. So I’ve provided a bit of a backstory below. Believe it or not, that’s the short version. 

Like I said, I feel like a jerk for asking this, but I just could really use some kindness right now. If you decide to send me something, please, please, please include your name/username so I can thank you (or an address I can send a thank you note to!). If you can’t or don’t want to buy a stranger a gift that’s totally fine, thanks for reading all of this. 

Happy Holidays to everyone! We all deserve to have a happy and fun season. 

In early December of 2017, my mother had a health scare. We thought she’d had a heart attack (or similar issue) while she had a horrible cold. Her doctor ordered some tests and they came back with the notes that her heart looked fine, but there was a mass in her lung. It took forever to get her into a specialist. But by the end of January of 2018, she had been diagnosed with lung cancer. 

At the time, my mom was married to the man she’d been with since I was 4. But the cancer diagnosis did something horrible to him and he stopped interacting with my mother. There were some really awful events that took place between February and May which lead my mother to file for divorce in June. 

Simultaneously (February-June 2018), my mom went through her first round of chemotherapy and radiation. It was awful. The chemo medication they gave her was really strong. It had to be. But it left her completely bed-bound. She could barely keep food down, which led to rapid weight loss and dehydration. On top of that, due to where the tumors were, the radiation burnt her esophagus and stomach. All of this hospitalized her in April. She was only in for a week, thankfully. But it was easily the worst week of my life. 

Because of how her husband acted, all of her care fell on me. And it’s continued to be my responsibility. 

When her treatment wrapped up in June of 2018 her doctors had been really optimistic that she wouldn’t need any more treatment. And her 3-month scan in September seemed to support that. It took months for her to gain her strength and stamina back, but by the end of September she was back to work and things were returning to normal. 

In the final days of 2018, my mother had her next set of 3-month scans. They showed that not only were the masses in her lungs growing again but this time an MRI showed that it had spread to her brain. I have never been so thankful for a scan. The MRI was supposed to be a yearly scan, and she had had one in September, but I just had this feeling that she needed to have one in December and I threw a fit on the phone with her doctor until she agreed to order it. 

She started full brain radiation in late December 2018 and wrapped it up on January 4, 2019. What a horrible way to ring in the new year. Full brain radiation has the potential for quite a few permanent side effects. For my mom, these side effects manifested as forgetfulness, trouble expressing herself, and changes in mood and behavior. Her doctors have her on a medication that’s supposed to minimize these side effects, but they’ll never completely go away. 

Once the brain radiation ended, she began her second round of chemotherapy  This time the chemo medication was different, and luckily, much gentler on her. She still lost some weight, but she wasn’t completely bed-bound. This round ended in early May of 2019 and her doctors immediately started her on immunotherapy. She goes every three weeks. It’s much easier on her, but she’s still exhausted in the days following her treatment. 

This year, her September 3-month scan showed that cancer in her brain was still active in a few spots. She had gamma knife radiation (basically, pinpoint radiation) in October. She just had her December scans yesterday. We’ll get the results next week. I’m terrified. I always am. 

To make matters worse, my mom was fired from her job this September (on my birthday, no less). Luckily, she was able to find a new one within 2 weeks, but her health care was through her work. We were able to COBRA her insurance, but it’s over $400 a month. We were barely making ends meet before she was fired, now it’s even more difficult. We have additional debt from the divorce and the cost of buying and setting up a new home (things like dishes and beds and a stove). 

We’re in a much better place now. We’re in a home where we feel safe (we weren’t last year, her ex got really abusive). My mom is working again. (She’s one of those people who go crazy when they’re not working. She doesn’t know how to be idle.) But there isn’t any money for anything extra. 

I work as much as I can, but I have a chronic pain condition that severely limits how much I can do. And there are still times when I have to be home to take care of my mother. The immunotherapy she’s on is usually very tolerable, but there have been some treatments that have left her unable to leave her bed for 3-4 days (this last one was really hard on her).  

I have been squirreling away change and single dollar bills for the past three months so I can buy my mother something for Christmas, but she’s already told me that I shouldn’t be getting her anything and she won’t be getting me anything because we don’t have the money. I have to dip into the money I’ve put away for her present to buy bread today. Things are just...really tight. 

Through all of this, there hasn’t been time or money to spend on me. And I’m not upset about that. I’m not mad or annoyed that I haven’t gotten anything for my birthday(s) or Christmas(s). Hell, my mother still being alive is the best gift she could give me. I’ve just hit a point mentally and emotionally where I need something good or kind for me. I didn’t have many friends before my mother’s diagnosis, but when I started taking care of her full-time in 2018, the ones that I did have drifted away. And as much as I have aunts and uncles and cousins, we’ve never been the gift-giving kind of family. 

The list I made is ridiculously long. But there are a lot of small, inexpensive items on it. I also added a couple of things for my pets and my mom. In case you’d like to make their holidays a little brighter. If you can and want to send something, I would really appreciate it. If you can’t or don’t want to, I totally understand. This time of year is so difficult for so many families. I know I’m not in need in the same way others are. There are plenty of people who need help with food or presents for their children. But I thought I’d ask anyway. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. 

Christmas List

[guynamedultimax]

My take on Brawl Stars lore

GUESS WHO IS STILL ALIVE *points at its own almost dead body injured by Avengers: Endgame, Nintendo’s E3 2019, the latest Brawl Talk from Supercell and the Stranger Things 3 Final Trailer*

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

And I brought you my own take on what is the Brawl Stars universe!

The Old West is ancient history. Welcome to the New West.

Technology got slightly advanced here. Portals to different time periods and  and alternate universes have been created and people from all over these places join the core of the New West, Brawl Town, main residence of the Brawl Games, friendly games that are being made to decide the Ultimate Brawl Stars. Main battles are 3v3 and happen in the Nameless Desert, costantly invaded by meteors, evil Robo Bandits and mysterious shrooms and drinks.

The teams are known as:

THE BANDITS: A group of gentleman thieves on friendly terms with the Junkers.

SHELLY: The leader filled with determination. Some say she has a soft spot for the town sheriff...

RICO: Former pool bot known as Ricochet who discovered his amazing aiming skills and joined Shelly. Lost his original body in a Robo Rumble and received a new one from the Junkers.

BROCK: Gamer from the modern age who stole a rocket launcher from an evil corporation and came into Brawl Town in search of adventure.

THE JUNKERS: A family of redheads who re-use metal junk to build turrets and other robots.

COLT: Only male of the family, Sheriff of Brawl Town with an obsession with his pretty face. Unlike his family he is more of a guns guy.

JESSIE: Colt’s younger sister with a passion for pets, to the point she named her own dog-themed turret Scrappy.

PAM: Leader of the family and a real mama bear. Touch her sons and you’re in for a bad time.

THE PIRATES: A robot pirate crew from overseas who came to Brawl Town for one thing and only one thing: MONEY.

PENNY: A pirate captain who is very good at building robots and cannons, to the point she built her own crew. She is quite competitive and a bit arrogant. Hates Jessie for some reason.

BARRYL: Formerly a barrel filled with gunpowder, Penny built this silent but deadly guy and, therefore, he stays loyal to her and her only.

TICK: Formerly a giant cannon, he was turned by Penny into a metal ball of energy and happiness. He is always with his explosive head in the clouds and loves mines. Some even describe him as a “Pirate Spike” because of his personality.

THE UNDEAD: A group made of vampires, monsters and undead beings. They are on friendly terms with the Mysterious Ones.

MORTIS: A mysterious vampire known as the Bringer of Doom, who is able to resurrect the dead...often with unexpected results (see his comrades). He his quite self-centered and a bit evil, but is still loved by his team and friends.

FRANK: The one time that Mortis tried to use technology instead of his magic to resurrect an undead body, it turned into Frank, an unstoppable, brainless beast...who seems friendly and at ease when listening music.

POCO: Usually when Mortis resurrects people they are under his control. While trying to resurrect a musician who lost all of his fans, somehow, the mind control didn’t work, so Poco has free will. While he bears no ill will towards his teammates (helps Frank with his musical condition and tries to find friends for Mortis), he lives with the Junkers and has more of a relationship with them.

THE LEATHER JACKETS: A group of thugs from Retropolis, a town south of Brawl Town, who give to every challenger they come across the sweetest pain. But they aren’t actually evil.

BULL: Leader of the Leather Jackets and owner of a diner in Retropolis, Bull Blanco has anger issues and LOVES shotguns and football.

CROW: A mysterious bird man who came from nowhere in the Brawl Stars universe who asks for respect and respect only. Even if he is edgy, he is a nice guy who taught Leon his ninja ways. (Spoiler: He is actually an alien sent to study the BS universe by his species who created the Robo Bandits and conquer it from the inside, but now he loves this world and has sworn to protect it. Probably explains why Robo Bandits aremore aggressive towards him.)

BIBI: A girl from Retropolis, who is a bit childish but is brutal with her bat, properly named Mr. Bat. Before Crow arrived she was Bull’s only friend (and crush, but don’t tell her otherwise he’d kill you)

THE TRIBE: The name speaks for itself. What is left of the Indians in the world of the New West.

NITA: A girl with lots of energy and ability in fighting who received from her guardian a gift to protect her: the necklace that summons her inner animal spirit, the Big Baby Bear, to protect her at all costs. Has a crush on her foster sibling.

BO: Leader of the Tribe, who highly believes in the spirits and combines old with new by mixing his unstoppable archery skills with mines crafted by Dynamike. He is very serious and has a strong sense of justice.

LEON: Orphaned at a young age, this kid with a chameleon hoodie from the modern world came into the New West, received ninja lessons from Crow and, thanks to his new family made of Bo and Nita, he learned how to become invisible.

THE MINERS: A squad made of two miners and a bartender who highly specialize in searching gems.

DYNAMIKE: Also known as Old Mike, this former miner is not only good at building robots but also has pyromania and always has a short fuse. The bird in his head is called Birdy by him.

CARL: A knows-it-all robot miner with a childish personality, great ability in throwing his pickaxe, and a love for geology, horrible geology puns and Jessie.

BARLEY: Mike’s first robot, built when he was still a miner to serve him some moonshine. Time passes by and his circuits started fusing,so now he became a Brawler to recieve money to fix all damages done in his bar at Brawl Town.

THE MYSTERIOUS ONES: No one knows who they are or where they came from. They were reunited by their leader to fight in the Brawls.

TARA: A mysterious tarot card reader literally coming from the shadows, but no one knows that...except for Gene, probably.

GENE: A childish genie who came out from a rebellious lamp found by Tara. She sees Tara as his “mommy” and has a SERIOUS love for sweets and especially chocolate cakes.

SPIKE: Last member of the living catcus people, except for their sakura cactus siblings. He is shy and reserved on the outside, but cheerful and happy on the inside. He just never shows it because he is scared he might hurt someone with his, uh...hugs. Tara found him wandering in the desert alone and took him with her.

THE FIGHTERS: Two fighters and a sniper coming from around Brawl Town.

EL PRIMO: Originally a useless no one, Primo got hit by a meteor, receving superpowers and becoming the strongest wrestler in the New West. He is especially good with children and is searching for his brother, who is thought dead (and may actually be). He found him but he can’t recognize him.

ROSA: Primo’s number one fan, a botanist from the jungle west of Brawl Town who is also a boxer and is accompanied by her house plant. She is quite smart and built a lab in the jungle.

PIPER: The Belle of the Brawl herself, Piper de la Prim is usually a lone wolf who grew up learning how to use her umbrella gun and the proper manners. Since all teams were filled, she diced to join the Fighters.

THEIR THEME SONGS

THE BANDITS: Shot Me Down by David Guetta featuring Skylar Grey. It was more of a choice from Shelly and Brock

THE JUNKERS: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly, personally chosen by Colt

THE PIRATES: He’s a Pirate by Hans Zimmer. Darryl hates it though.

THE UNDEAD: Thriller by Micheal Jackson, even though Poco prefers Remember Me by Miguel

THE LEATHER JACKETS: They are still undecided. Bull says it should be Wake Me Up Before You Go Go by Wham!, Crow says it’s In the End by Linkin Park and Bibi says it’s Karate by BABYMETAL

THE TRIBE: Nita forced them to choose Great Spirits by Tina Turner, not that Bo minded that anyway.

THE MINERS: Carl ironically proposed Heigh Ho (the one from the Seven Dwarfs). Dynamike unironically chose that.

THE MYSTERIOUS ONES: Gene asked for Friend Like Me by Robin Williams and since they didn’t have any other ideas (and he made a puppy face) they just went with it.

THE FIGHTERS: Rosa wanted to use Eye of the Tiger by Survivor but Primo just kept saying the Guile Theme was suited enough, and even Piper liked that. So they chose the best of both worlds: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edPUrkEf_ow

SKINS BACKSTORIES

BANDITA SHELLY: Her self from a dark future in which the Robo Bandits destroyed Brawl Town.

STAR SHELLY: She became a gamer after suggestions from Brock.

PANDA NITA: She usually wears that necklace on Halloween.

HOLIDAY SKINS: They come from the Brawlidays Universe.

SHIBA NITA: In another JP-based universe, she is a normal schoolgirl that summons a bear-shaped shiba to fight bad guys. So kawaii!

ROCKSTAR COLT: Karaoke Night on Friday is a big deal for Colt so he always prepares for the best.

IMPERIAL AGENT COLT: In the same JP-based universe from where Shiba Nita hails, he is literally an imperial agent.

OUTLAW COLT: Hails from the same universe as Bandita Shelly.

VIKING BULL: He dressed up as a viking on Halloween and he even customized the shotgun.

QUARTERBACK/LINEBACKER BULL: Did we mention that Bull LOVES football? Sometimes he even calls it Footbull.

DRAGON KNIGHT JESSIE: They say she hails from a “Royal Clash” universe or something like that. ;)

SUMMER JESSIE/BROCK: They just prepared for summer, that’s all.

BOOM BOX BROCK: His attire back when he lived in the modern world.

LION DANCE BROCK: Sidekick of Imperial Agent Colt.

HOT ROD BROCK: His attire when he took a vacation in Retropolis.

CHEF MIKE: He is quite the bad chef, but he makes it up with his knowledge of spicy peppers.

ROBO MIKE: Comes from the same future as of Outlaw Colt and Bandita Shelly. The problem was an incident with the Robo Bandits. He doesn’t talk about it. Birdy is all that is left of his former self, and even then, he pilots him.

MECHA BO AND MECHA CROW : They got roboticized after a bad incident with the Robo Bandits in the Outlaw Universe (the one from which Robo Mike hails too). Colro variations are made by them to make themselves look cooler. They are what is left of the official Brawl Stars tournament members, the others kidna cut the ties with the “sport”.

EL RUDO: Primo’s darker self who manifested in the Outlaw Universe as a collateral effect of the meteor who hit him and gave him his powers.

EL REY: For special occasions in the battlefield, Primo wears this attire.

GOLDEN BARLEY: Back when he was still a fresh model, Barley used to look like this.

WIZARD BARLEY: You know it.

BAKE SALE BARLEY: In what was the worst moment of his whole life, he worked at Bull’s diner and was forced by Bull to wear that.

MAPLE SYRUP BARLEY: The guy once went to Canada. Canada changed him. Now he loves maple syrup.

SERENADE POCO: He once helped Colt trying to serenade Shelly. It ended with lots of spare shotguns being thrown at them.

LOADED RICO: Back when he was a pool bot, rich people used Rico to store gems. He HATES that.

POPCORN RICO: He also worked at Brawl Town’s cinema for a month or so. He got a popcorn addiction and got fired.

DUMPLING DARRYL: From the universe in which Colt and Brock are secret agents, he is a robot who loves dumplings and supports them in their secret missions.

BUNNY PENNY: During Easter, a prank war between Jessie and her was ongoing. She received a lesson by getting her outfit and cannon modified after hanging Scrappy upside down.

ROAD RAGE CARL: To try to look cool for the Leather Jackets he started dressing up like this. His Outlaw Universe counterpart keeps wearing it.

CAVEMAN FRANK: He dressed up liek this on Halloween.

ROCKABILLY MORTIS: Karaoke Night on Friday is a serious thing for Mortis too.

TOP HAT MORTIS: He once wore a hat that is now lost in time and space.

NIGHT WITCH MORTIS: Mortis once exchanged bodies with a Night Witch from Clash Royale. It was all her fault though.

SAKURA SPIKE: She comes from a similar species to that of Spike, made by sakura catuses. She hails from the same unvierse as Shiba Nita and the Lunar New Year skins.

WHITE CROW: A condition that Crow has is that in the winter he turns his feathers white.

PHONEIX CROW: Crow’s true form.

WEWWWWWWWWWWWW ABOUT DAMN TIME I FINISHED

STICK A FORK IN ME, I’M DOOONE

[samesongxox]

Savior: Chapter 1 (Gilded Cages)

So this is just me posting this from fanfiction.net I’m only on chapter 9 so far but after Christmas I’m hoping to pick this back.

Summary: (Hellboy 2019) AKA Turning a New Leaf AKA Good Samaritans Need Love Too. The B.P.R.D is tasked to infiltrate a black market creature trafficking ring led by a powerful warlock. Hellboy rescues Phyrra who is found being held hostage, a slave for her magic. He must protect her as she is hunted by her master and his gang of monsters. (AU where Broom isn't dead/Abe wasn't found)

It will be rated M, it will include violence, swearing, smuttiness, all the good things in life.

Disclaimer: Hellboy belongs to Dark Horse Comics/Mike Mignola, I don't own anything except the AU and my OC's.

"What do you think should be done Phyrra?" The elf glanced up at her master, fighting to remain expressionless. What did she think? She could just as easily laugh or cry at the simple question, but she learned long ago that Elias was not swayed by a simpering female.

His gaze was firm on his most prized possession. As he was a creature of few real pleasures, this little human he caught tickled him greatly. He eagerly awaited her answer.

Phyrra hated when he smirked like that, that horrible grimace. It only meant danger, for her, for everyone in the room; it was only silence save for the humans pained breath and the anxious clacking of Rhys's hooves on the marbled floor, the creatures awaited the elf's answer. 

Resolutely her gaze settled on the bloody man in chains before her master's grand desk, his bald head could barely be seen over the rich oak. The pitiful thing was starting to sob, quiet hiccups of air stealing the adrenaline left in his battered body, sweat tinged with blood trailed down the mans face, giving him the macabre illusion he was crying blood. It was an image too vicious for Phyrra to handle, as she weighed her options for the thing to say that would convince this prisoner to be saved.

"The human is obviously contrite. The inventory lost is pennies, and you have much more to gain from the information this one clearly has about Lazarus…." She tried to read the expression on her master's face, should she continue? Phyrra opened her mouth to do so.

"Noted. Mordecai?"

Her jaw clicked shut, he did not like her answer. Movement began to crawl from the shadowed corner, black grotesque shapes curling down the ceiling like slime. The figure shrunk until it evolved into a vaguely humanesque shape, and it stepped forward; eyes glittered like rubies as its glistening fangs barred in displeasure.

"It's obvious Elias. Let's skin this sack of shit." Phyrra felt her skin chill, the mere presence of the vampire setting her on edge. She hated this, the whole situation. How did she find herself in moments such as this?

The answer was quite simple, she was nothing more than a trophy. She should of said what she knew her master wanted to hear; her damnable pride causing her what would no doubt be a firm punishment, and she stood there hoping she would be having dinner tonight. By far she hated being starved the most.

Her master could not physically hurt her, so of course he had to resort to more creative ways to keep his slave in line.

Phyrra was brought back to reality as her master cleared his throat, obviously ready to give his judgement. His long spindly fingers were steeped together, his black nails clicking slowly, an impression of a relaxed bystander. Phyrra snuck a glance at Rhys and tried not to pity him too much for the dejected look upon his bronzed face, wishing that for once her master could maybe ask the centaur's opinion.

"Phyrra is right. Rhys, take the man to our cages and throw him in with the sirens, they'll have there fun. Once they have finished, bring back what is left of him and we'll see if this lips are still sealed tight." Phyrra stood in silence as the idea that the master agreed with her to not kill a human settled over frayed nerves, she had no way to know how to act in moments as these, the slightest ounce of kindness confusing her more than his normal cruelty could.

Rhys had not taken a step forward before the prisoner jolted up, his swollen eyes rolling to the back of his head, revealing the whites.

"I'll die before I let you take me! LONG LIVE LAZARUS!"

Phyrra couldn't help the gasp as time seemed to slow down, inhumanly quick the man had broken free of his chains, a feat that was thought to be impossible, but quickly it was confirmed this was no normal human as the being flung an unseen object at Elias. The object made contact, causing the warlock to stumble back in his chair, the force of the weapon propelling him backwards over the chair.

In a flash of movement, Rhys was charging towards the human, but could not be as quick as the vampire. Mordecai appeared out of seemingly thin air, wrapped his spindly arms around the neck of his soon to be victim. The pressure applied was quick and precise, the snap resounding in the room, the human dropped from his embrace and silence once again enveloped the room.

Mordecai hissed, furious at the pointy haired bitch and his once almighty friend, so easily swayed by the thought of her magic pussy.

Elias pushed himself off the floor with a grunt, quickly looking to his subordinate to gauge their reactions, feeling the blood drip from the newly acquired cut on his face; to say he was embarrassed was a grand understatement, he was furious. What was once a man, a lifetime ago, was replaced by a monster, Elias didn't get to where he was by being understanding and kind towards his fellow creatures.

Phyrra being the only thing to ever be privy to his altruism, his glorious clavis aurea. He didn't know what he would do if he ever lost her, these recent events cautioning him. It was Lazarus, the swine. He was what was making Elias desperate. He had a proud respectable business and that gargoyle threatened everything he had sacrificed everything for, it simply was not done.

"Mordecai, Rhys. Leave. Now." Mordecai didn't have to be told twice, nothing more than mist in seconds. Rhys on the other hand couldn't stop himself from seeking out Phyrra's eyes, needing her to let him know she was gonna be fine. Not looking at him, she slowly ran her finger across her eyebrow in what looked to be just a twitch, but it was their version of 'I'm okay' and an appeased Rhys left the room. He was much too sweet for this place, she often asked him why he worked for such a fiend.

Blatantly Phyrra realized what it was that hit her master. A fingernail. The human had broken off his entire nail when no one was looking and with a superhuman strength broke his chains, attempting to murder her master with it. Any other situation Phyrra would be laughing in an uncontrollable heap on the floor, still she could feel the smile trying to break on her face. It took her own nails biting into the flesh of her palm that brought it back from the brink of breaking.

"Phyrra, if you'd please?" She took a step forward, already beginning to feel the warm glow on her wrist, a perfunctory glance down saw that everything was happening as it usually did: The golden swirls on her outstretched fingers wiggled and weaved on the surface before slowly rising up off her skin, twirling like spun gold in the air, a graceful shimmer that poured melancholy in her heart whenever she used her people's gift for him.

The tendrils of interwoven threads before caressing themselves onto her master's wound, the healing technique was quicker if she physically touched his wound, however Phyrra spared much effort to remain a distance as often as possible. She loathed the way he looked at her the times her magic danced upon him. The tranquil, admiring way he tried to catch her eye always caused her discontent, like they were friendly enough for her to enjoy having her magic used.

Lately he had been acting very strange towards her. The last few decades they had collapsed into a safe routine, but recently he had begun to seek her out in her alone hours. Phyrra tried to strike up polite conversation, recent transactions at the auctions or the new text she was reading at the moment. Phyrra forced herself to not think of the truth, the tense, revolting feeling she got whenever she caught him staring at her. It was so obvious, but Phyrra was in no position to deny him the day he finally had enough of the charade of her youth.

She was no girl anymore; sure when he had first...'Acquired' her, she was still in her fledgling years. As much a child physically as any human of about 14 years. Those days were behind her however as she grew under Elias's care. As was the way of her kind, her body quickly filled out the long limbs, she reached maturity and Elias was quick to change along with it.

"It is all right pet. The inherent light that lives inside of you is one of the qualities I admire in you." 

Phyrra fought the instinct to jerk back as he ran his nails in a gentle caress across her cheek, pushing some wispy trails of hair behind her ears. She couldn't stop the shiver as he continued across the elongated shell.

"You are in no trouble Phyrra, in fact, I'd like to reward you. After we sup tonight, we shall take a walk and I will present it to you." Phyrra stepped back in instinct as her master stood up abruptly, she did not care for the ruse of his calmness moments after what transpired. She was so use to nothing but fury and scorn from him.

"May I return to my room master?" Phyrra saw the blatant disappointment in his eyes, as she quickly added. "I'm just so very tired after healing you, I'd like to nap before I start our meal."

She prayed that the sanguine of her voice was enough to soothe him as Elias took her hands between him, continuing his unwanted attentions to the tattoo of curls on them.

"...Of course you may." He said it slyly, like there was some secret he held. She didn't care about his tone, internally sighing with relief anyway, she could do nothing but allow him to press his cold lips to her forehead, however unpleasant it felt.

Bowing deeply she scampered away as quickly as she dared with her master still watching. Once in the safety of the quiet hallway, the weight relieved off her shoulders, Phyrra took off in great strides to her room, keeping her feet light as she thought about how she might resemble what a gazelle might look like fleeing a lion. The analogy was not lost on her.

As Phyrra reached her door, she felt her skin turn to ice, something was behind her. Before she could even turn she was trapped against the surface of her entrance to her chambers, looking into the garnet gaze of Mordecai.

Out of the frying pan, it seemed.

"Where do you think you're going in such a rush, little lamb? Couldn't stand to be with your master for another second longer?" Mordecai's cruel smile twisted as he applied more pressure to her neck, ecstatic as her expression remained passive, only feeling the skin around her neck slightly bend to his will. Mordecai found her bodies disposition to damage fascinated.

Of course he does. Phyrra thought in disgust, the horrible thing can only comprehend dealing with pain.

"Mordecai, stop this at once." Brave enough in the moment, fueled potently by her anger from earlier. Phyrra pushed hard with her magic, her robes obstructed the full sight of her glowing body, she manipulated the light to blind Mordecai, causing the creature to hiss as he backed up hastily. Forcing him to cover his skin from the heat akin to sunlight coming from her skin, she quickly turned around, fumbled with her door. Scurrying inside to lock behind her just as urgent, her adrenaline causing her to pant in great breaths.

Mordecai opened his eyes, his hands took most of the damage, he realized disoriented. His senses quickly scoping out the stinking beast Elias kept for muscle, looking amused at the altercation he witnessed.

"You know Elias would have your head if I told him about this?" Mordecai sneered at the half man, without hesitation he called the bluff.

"Go on, tell him you dumb animal. I just might have my own tales to tell, like how I see you coming into her chambers at the crack of mornings." Mordecai loved the instant fear that overwhelmed the beast's face. "Did you think you could get away with it?" The vampire was merciless as he was with anything, his cruel words lashing at the centaur just as sure as if he was whipping him.

"I can still smell the virginity on her so I know you haven't fucked her," Rhys flinched at the language he used, which only gave the leech more pleasure, "but all the same Elias would be very displeased at you."

"What are you… What are you trying to get me to confess to?! I protect Phyrra to protect Elias, I am doing nothing untoward her!" Mordecai cackled as the victory of this interaction was clear, Mordecai didn't know why the animal even tried to get the upper hand on such a superior creature that he was.

"I am just telling you we both have our secrets…"

Rhys watched in horror as the bloodsucker slunk away in the darkness, his terrible laughter echoing in the hallway long after it's shadow was gone. Rhys was a creature of a simple life, centaurs were known for their power, strength, loyalty. He got confused easily with all of Elias's dealings, although he did want to remain in as much ignorance as he possibly could. It was much easier to think of Phyrra as a friend to protect than as a prisoner.

Rhys felt immense guilt, but it didn't stop him from raising his meaty fist, poised to knock on the door, before the strangest sounds reached Rhys's ears. It was a heavy thumping coming from down the hall...What the hell was that? Rhys went to investigate...

Unbeknownst to the activity on the other side of her door, Phyrra slowly moved throughout her spacious lodgings, absentmindedly running the brush she grabbed from her vanity through her wispy strands. She felt disconcerted, something was off but she could not pull herself from her weariness.

She didn't completely lie to the parasite. Using her magic was draining for her, her people's magic was a physical extension to their bodies, as much apart of there DNA as familiar genetics. She undressed without thought, shedding her robes to gaze at herself in the full length mirror hung from her wall, ornate and ancient if the inscription was any indication.

Phyrra knew of the beauty she possessed. She was an elf after all, a creature known for its beauty and grace. Her mother was one of the loveliest of her tribe, she came from a long, long line of powerful elves. She also knew that wasn't what her master wanted from her, it was just the extra incentive that kept her in this prison, the magic in her possession the true prize.

Going through her routine to have a bath, she was just pulling the towel around her body when Phyrra stopped short as she looked around her room, where was Binx?

Before Phyrra could even open her mouth to call for her friend, a massive tremor shivered the floor under her feet, her foolish sensitive ears picked up the sound of what could only be described as a brawl. She heard the sound of flesh being hit and a general white noise of commotion. What was Elias moving? Phyrra was used to the strangest sounds on this property, after all when you have a revolving door of the world's most dangerous beings there was bound to be property damage.

Phyrra needed to find Binx, regardless of what might be on the other side of the door. Not for the first time, Phyrra cursed her master for his hatred of her companion, the one thing left from her free life. She was never to bring Binx into his chambers, or around him, ever since he hit her once and broke her wing, Phyrra made Binx promise she'd steer clear of him, stubborn little pixie.

"Binx are you here?!" Panic began to cloud Phyrra's vision, her previous fatigue dissipated in the horror of her lost friend. Grabbing the doorknob with haste, Phyrra gathered the courage to face whatever was going on in this compound.

The door burst open but Phyrra saw nothing but white.

fin

clavis aurea - golden key (latin)

[mandysimo13]

First post of 2020

The last couple years have been a doozy, fam

From lost and shitty jobs to sick family members to bad dates to losing friends to political strife, it’s all been just overwhelming and a seemingly endless line of shit. 

So first thing, I’ll recount the positives (of my life) of this year: 

I was able to finally go abroad again and visit three countries I’ve been dying to visit: England, Scotland, and Ireland. And I was able to do it with a good friend and see a lot of amazing thing in 20 days. 

I started visiting with a group of other tour guides and history nerds for drinks once a month and it’s become much less isolating for me. 

I had an amazing spring tour season with my student groups and was given many good reviews that secured me with offers for this coming 2020 season. 

I joined a new company that specializes in “over 50″ and unique school tours and they have given me opportunities for this coming 2020 student season. Through them I was also able to do my first seniors tour to places I had never been to but was able to absolutely kill it and get lots of good reviews. 

All my friends had something good happen to them this year that gave me happiness because I was able to share it with them. 

My mom’s lupus, amongst other diseases, seems to have hit a plateau and she’s actually been able to manage her symptoms the best in years and lately has been able to have higher energy and less pain. She’s lost weight and is happy and I’ve not seen her this healthy or happy in years. 

But now the shit part, the negatives: 

My dad, who was diagnosed with heart disease and diabetes in 2018, has not been taking care of himself at all and now he needs to have surgery on the major arteries in his leg to clear a 90% plaque blockage in one leg and a 60% blockage in the other. My dad still smokes, refuses to quit, and still has a horrible diet and refuses to change that so this surgery may be all for naught. 

My grandparents are not doing that well, particularly my grandma whose memory is going and she’s becoming increasingly paranoid, mean, and mistrustful. She’s always been a martyr and kind of a bitch but she hasn’t left the house in over a year and has nothing to do all day but think of hurtful comments to say to me. And the kicker is, I want to help her with things. But she won’t let me so it’s a continuous cycle of hurt and worry and disappointment. 

While I have a partner (he’s in an ethical poly relationship and already married) he cannot provide me with the things I want -marriage, children, a home with a partner, etc.- and as such I am functionally single. He is very encouraging with me finding someone else and is happy to be here for me in the meantime. But it also means I have no backup during family stuff, I don’t bring him around to events as a date, and I end up feeling like second fiddle to his wife despite his best attempts to tell me I’m not. 

My finances have been less than ideal for the last few years because of all kinds of crap circumstances and I’ve been trying to claw my way out of my family’s house so I can live on my own again. 

Several friends of mine have had major losses in their life (one her wife, one her mother, one her husband) and being an emotional anchor has been difficult. But also coupled with the fact that so many good things have happened (one friend sold her house and is moving to a bigger and better one, a couple got new pets, some got promotions and degrees and advancements in their careers or school endeavors, one is trying for kids) I feel a little left behind. Like I’m not good for anything aside from highlighting the fact that others are doing well because I’m not where I want to be. (A feeling I’m working on snuffing out) 

Politics in the world, but most troubling for me is the US since that’s where I live, have been exhaustingly bad. I’ve had to take several news breaks just to keep a semblance of sanity and then get upset when I catch up because it’s just one shitstorm after another. Rollbacks on environmental protections, removal of social welfare protections and benefits, more hate crimes, equality for women/minorities/children/immigrants/queer folks are all on the chopping block. It’s depressing. 

I haven’t felt as creative as I have in the past. I’ve written less, drawn even less than that, crocheted very little. I’m mentally and physically exhausted all the time between labor intensive jobs (one is physically exhausting and one is both mentally and physically exhausting). It’s made me feel like crap because I have ideas. I have WIPs. I have aspirations for creativity. And none of the energy or drive to do it. I also have not found the energy to do research and further my historical knowledge for tours. 

It’s hard not to feel like I’m a failure. It’s hard not to feel like it’s all too much and I should give up and accept life for the shitshow it is and not improve. But I’m trying. I’m trying to look at my friends’ successes and go “I’ll get there”. I’m trying to look at the positives in the news and be excited because maybe not all hope is lost. I’m trying to set boundaries with my family while also being there for them. I’m trying to date and meet new people to build up more friendships and connections. I’m trying to take care of my mental health so I can get my drive back. 

In the coming year I am making plans. I am taking steps. 

I have made an appointment with my doctor to get on some anxiety medication so that when I start to spiral I can pull myself out of it. I am also going to ask for therapist recommendations. 

I have already secured a future roommate, we have discussed expectations and boundaries and wants. We’ll be looking for places come late spring/early summer. 

My projected income for 2020 means that I will actually be able to move out. 

I will continue doing research for companies and tours so that I can keep my income secure and my travel aspirations in sight. 

I have a date tonight (with someone other than my partner, partner is very excited for me and wants to hear how it went afterwards), I have been keeping an eye out for other prospective people to date and have it in mind to ask someone else out. 

I have looked into the sustainability of taking swing dancing lessons (a thing I’ve always wanted to do) and have decided it’s worth it. I plan to start taking lessons soon. This will give me exercise, a weekly engagement to get out of the house, and open me up to a whole new social network. 

I’m trying. I’m working on myself and my goals. I’m tired of feeling like I’m going nowhere. I’m not saying “new year, new me!” but I am saying that I’m working on making the me that’s already here better. It’s gonna be hard, I’m going to feel like I’m sliding back when I may not be. But I’m going to try and focus on the positives, the payoffs, and ask for help when I need it. 

tldr; 2016-2019 sucked. Hoping to make 2020 suck less. I’m trying. 

[dearvoidwhatsleft]

2020-Feb2021 has been really difficult. My brother’s mental health declined rapidly and he spent all of 2019-2020 in and out of mental hospitals. When he was home he was very toxic and unstable. COVID happened and my boyfriend and I lost our jobs. We were then evicted from our house not long after. We had to move in with my parents. I became my brother’s caregiver while my parents continued to work. At first we looked for new jobs, but after a few months we stopped looking and I decided to do school full-time. Juggling school and my brother was very difficult. He needed care nearly 24/7 and I missed a lot of class and some assignments. Somehow I got through. Christmas happened and my family dog that we have had since I was in elementary school passed away on the 26th. We had to put her down. I never had to put down a pet before. It was really hard. Even though I knew that she was old and in pain, I felt like we were murdering her. I felt so guilty that I turned away when the vet didn’t. I regret not looking into her face. A week later we had to put my childhood cat down. Different illnesses, both age related. It was traumatic. She wouldn’t pass and the vet had to inject her a few times in a few different places. It was horrible. My brother’s mental health got worse. He spent more time in and out of hospitals. Then he got physically sick and spent even more time in hospitals. My boyfriend became very depressed. He felt trapped in my toxic family home, as did I. He felt worthless because we didn’t have any money and we couldn’t find jobs. He stopped taking care of himself. I tried to hang in there and cope. I tried to keep it all to myself but finally vented to my friends about how hard a year it has been. They became uncomfortable, didn’t know what to say, and they haven’t spoken to me since. That was back in December. Last year, my best friend of over a decade decided that we shouldn’t be friends anymore. I’m still recovering from that. Tonight, my boyfriend got multiple texts. I’m naturally jealous because I have abandonment issues and not much trust, but I tried not to ask. They kept on coming and finally I just blurted it out, “Who’s texting you?” And it was the reply that settled at the pit of my stomach. A long pause then, “an old friend.” I knew what that meant. I wasn’t dumb. What scared me most is when he turned his ringtone on silent, but I could still hear him picking up the phone and setting it down over and over and over again. I never really thought he would ever cheat on me. Now, I’m not so sure.

[isurviveddv]

October 15, 2019

On October 15,2019 I lost my soulmate.

I lost dances in the living room, sweet kisses on the head, and goofy pet names like babycakes or fathead. I lost my defender. I lost the heart I would listen to when I needed to calm down. I lost random singing in the car. I lost someone that would drive for me when I was scared. Someone that held my hand when I was in pain. I lost the only voice I wanted to hear when I awoke from a seizure.  I lost the person I loved to make laugh and the smile that made me melt. I lost my blanket thief.I lost my partner in crime. I lost the man that had chosen me.  I lost the strongest man I’ve ever known.  I lost my next 40 years. I lost my happiness. I lost a part of me that I doubt I will ever be able to find again.

I didn’t loose him from an accident or some horrible medical circumstance. I didn’t loose him from old age like I had expected. I didn’t loose him to his habits like I had feared. I lost him to me. I lost him to save me. I had to lose him to protect me. I had to break my own heart to keep it beating.

That same defender had become my attacker. That same solace had become my purgatory. Baby turned into bitch. Love became rage.That voice that brought me back now drove me away. That smile no longer shining. Now it was the voice that caused fear. The fists that inflicted pain. The lips that now lied. The driver who now put my life in danger. The screams that made me jump and cry and plead. My safety in his arms was no longer a promise. His touch made flinch.

For moths I said it would be ok. I said he would calm down. I said he’s just frustrated or tired. I said he doesn’t know his own strength. He didn’t mean to hurt me. Maybe I did loose that money. He just has a temper. He’s just venting. It’s just how he is. He works hard so I should just let it be.  And I did. For a time. Maybe I was ashamed. Too proud to admit I had allowed him to make me another statistic. Maybe my love for him was so strong I was unwilling to admit that maybe he didn’t love me as much as I had hoped. Maybe the last two years for him didn’t hold the same significance. Maybe I was embarrassed.

On October 15th we danced in the living room to our song. He kissed the top of my head and smiled down at me like I was the center of his universe. We laughed and cuddled and talked. We watched a show we both really enjoy and kept hitting rewind for the good parts as we clapped and cheered at the tv. We ate our favorite Chinese food.  We were happy.

On October 15th I had no idea it was the last time I would speak to him.He held a knife to my belly and told me he would end me. He blocked the door and told me to fight him with his fists at the ready. He picked me up by my ribs and threw me into the back of our couch. He screamed and yelled. Belittled and insulted. Threatened and promised all the pain in the world he knew I was afraid of. Pushing me and spitting in my face.

An hour later I was standing in the middle of town in my nightgown balling, frantic, shaking, in pain, and telling the officers I didn’t need an ambulance. I kept telling them he is a good guy, I love him, I don’t know what happened.I don’t want anyone else to get hurt. Please just get him out of my house. Make him leave. I was afraid.There were two officers, then three. Then there were five and they tell me to take all the time I need. My mind was racing and my lips were struggling to keep up as I told them what happened. I felt like I was betraying him with every syllable. Then they left, telling me to sit in my car, lock the doors and wait for them to come back. Time dragged on and on and on and on. My mind and my heart at war because my soulmate was being ripped away from me and while I had pulled the band-aid off he is the one that inflicted the wounds.

I will never forget that day so long as I live. I will never forget the hatred in his eyes. The coldness in his screams or the bitterness in his words. I will never forget how afraid he made me. I will never forget how helpless he made me feel. I will never forget the sleepless night or the day of confusion that followed.  I will never forget how far he seemed willing to go. I will never forget how I begged him to stop.How worthless and alone I felt in that moment. I will never forget the weeks of nightmares. The fear of what he might do when he was released from jail. I will never forget the silence of my home when I finally went back alone.

And I will never ever forget the strength I found in myself on October 15th.

* I DO NOT OWN ANY ARTWORK ON THIS BLOG*

[borrowedbackpack]

Trekking Days 5 and 6: Tengboche - Pangboche - Pheriche and Acclimatization Day in Pheriche

Hello everyone! Before we get into the trekking content, I would like to announce that I have finally made it back home after idk how many hours of flying/airports. I am very pleased to be back in a nice, clean, not hot environment. Also this means that I have officially survived Nepal. I think I should get a commemorative t-shirt or something.

ANYWAYS: From the paper blog: Today took a turn for the horrible. It started out quite pleasantly, with monks and apple pancakes. In the morning we went to the Tengboche monastary, which is right across from the lodge we stayed at. They have visiting hours where you can just go sit in their main room and listen to them chant and occasionally play instruments and bang a gong. It’s quite a nice time actually. We began walking, stopping to pet many animals and then continuing on down to Pangboche (only 2 hours of walking and 70m altitude gain, easy stuff). On the way out of Tengboche, I had to make a long stop in the meadow to pet the horses, cows, and dogs. There were a bunch of people standing on the roof of the lodge yelling “Pangboche! That way! Down the trail!” because they thought we were confused and lost already.

“Thank you! We know! She just wants to pet the animals before we leave!” yelled Christopher.

“Ah! Okay! No problem!” they called back.

The beautiful meadow in Tengboche. The mountain on the far far left is Everest/Sagarmatha. This was probably the best view we had of it throughout the whole trek. Apparently it’s easier to see from the Tibetan side; Lhotse blocks it on the Nepali side I believe.

When we arrived, however, everything in Pangboche was closed. So that sucked. And also caused me to kind of give up in my brain because I was very much ready to have a short walking day after yesterday’s long walking day. The common route is to go from Tengboche – Pheriche, however we decided to stop in Pangboche because we wanted to do a side trip to Ama Dablam Base Camp the following day. Anyways, we continued on towards Pheriche and soon saw the Austrians in the distance. I picked up the pace a lot and zoomed past them, which gave me the surge of heck ya I needed to continue. But then it started to rain/snow and I got a surge of heck no (I wrote a sad face here). Things went downhill from there (but also uphill…geographically speaking). It rained and rained and fogged and fogged and fogged. Finally we reached a town. Except it was not The Town. It was Dingboche. This would’ve been fine if it wasn’t the off season, but it is, and so everything was closed. So we had to accept we’d made a wrong turn (kind of…I sat down on the ground and cried a lil bit because fuck the Himalayas). Sadly, there was nothing else to do but turn around and go back the way we came, into the rain/fog/wind and in search of shelter and tea. So down the mountain we went. Then up. Then down. Then up up up. And down down down across a river, past some doggos, and into Pheriche. We ended up at a lodge that kind of sucked, but at least it was open. Also the people were very nice and the pancakes were good. And the yak dung fire was warm. So what more could you want, really?

Day 6:

Rest day. We are bored. So we’ve written some poems. And we will probably write more.

We had to stay in Pheriche for two nights so we could adjust to the altitude. Sadly, Pheriche is basically a field of rocks, so there isn’t much to do, less so in the offseason. The most exciting part was in the morning when a bunch of helicopters landed right outside our lodge. Hence all the poems. They’re probably not that funny if your brain has an appropriate amount of oxygen, but please enjoy.

New hotel lodgings

Acceptable toilet

Owner is not impressed

His vacation; we spoil it

White people demanding

Pancakes and tea

And a suitable place

To expel our pee

Reading a book

The wind howls outside

The wifi password

They continue to hide

High above the clouds

Towers Ama Dablam

But all I want

Is some toast with jam

-A.S. 2019

This poem was inspired by our move from the sucky lodge with unacceptable toilets to the lodge across the road (trail). The lodge across the road was beautiful, probably the nicest we saw on the trek, and had some of the best food on the trek, but the owner was not impressed with our presence at all.

We found wifi!

Or so we thought

But understand the owner

We can not

So we sit and we wonder

Is Jen now in mourning?

Will she send a helicopter

To find our bodies in the morning?

But maybe the Czech’s guide

Can join the conversation

And connect us to the wifi

To bring Jen some elation

-C.P. 2019

A Czech couple showed up with a very nice guide. The very nice guide explained that the wifi doesn’t work when it’s cloudy. So the wifi never works.

We walked too far one day

But found a place to stay

The toilets aren’t nice

But at least there aren’t any mice

3/5 stars

is what the internet will say

-C.P. 2019

espresso machine, espresso machine

come back to life

instant coffee

brings so much strife

tired body

requires caffeine

and the smooth bold taste

of the espresso bean

-A.S. 2019

This poem was inspired by all of the sleeping espresso machines along the trail. Every lodge/restaurant/café has a huge sign that says Red Cherry or Lavazza (Italy’s favourite espresso) or Illy to tempt all the Euros that trek EBC every year, but they all had blankets over them for the offseason. I would gaze longingly at the espresso menu and the incapacitated espresso machine at every lodge. It was tough to see those guys in such a state. Luckily, from great pain comes great art.

Rest Day Report:

·      we moved hotels to one with a nicer toilet and a large doggo population. One even came into the dining room for a hug J I think he mostly wanted a momo. But he accepted a hug anyways. Also, best momos ever.

My favourite trekking dog.

·      A Czech couple showed up with their guide. The dude expressed disbelief that we were guideless and porterless. Then he started saying to his guide that this will be his “last hike”. Same dude.

·      Also we met a Spanish guy on his way down from Base Camp. He was having a rough go:

o   Me: “How was the trek?”

o   Spanish guy: “I need a hospital! I am so tired!”

o   Me “oh. They’re all closed”*

o   *there’s a medical centre for trekkers and Sherpas in Pheriche but it closes in the off-season.

o   Spanish guy: “yes! All closed! Terrible sleep! Can’t breathe! And no helicopters can land!”

o   Me: “hm” (he seemed okay to me. He was also using a lot of oxygen yelling).

Morning doggo cuddle.

Breakfast guest. 

Yeah so basically I only took pictures of dogs. There’s literally hundreds more where that come from if anyone is interested. 

[what-am-i-darlin]

February 20, 2019. Despondence / depression

The absolute worst thoughts that became very real when I said them out loud in therapy:

I am lying on a deserted beach somewhere far, half the world away, my eyes are closed and I can smell the cold salty air around me, I can feel the wet sand pressing upon my cheeks and lips. I am like a decaying shipwreck, alone and in despair, forgotten and perished. I barely have the strength to open my eyes long enough to see the overcast and murky sky preparing to rage and storm at any second. I could hear the sea in the distance; It was becoming more and more restless, it was coming for me, calling me into it’s eternal torment... and yet I cannot move. When the waves finally crash and break on the shore and wash over me, they swallow me whole and drag me into the depths of the sea, and I feel everything a hundredfold more, the emotions rising and swirling inside of me, suffocating me; One by one they strike and scorch and no amount of water can quench them. I gasp and swallow but nothing extinguishes them, they prevail and remain still, ruthless and incessant! They transfigure and change their shapes, they expand and retract but they do not leave. I cannot bear them, I cannot fight them, I want to succumb. And just when I think that I am going to drown and my life and suffering will end and with it this horrible and immense pain will cease, the waves bring me back to the shore once again. And so on it goes, perpetually. I lay on the sand without an ounce of strength left inside my frail body, I cannot breathe and I cannot stand up, I merely exist in this state, aware that the waves are coming once more, but I do not move.

Until someone comes along, takes my hand and drags me away from this never ending anguish.

I no longer have the ability to connect with animals..( which was a huge part of the person I was ) I have two other pets, a small cat and a dog, and I haven’t been able to care for them or pet them or be near them. One day my mum, obviously noticing this, asked me “Why don’t you love them anymore”? And something inside me broke ( though I thought there was nothing left there to break ) I didn’t know how to explain to her that I didn’t want them around because they’re not my companion, that their presence hurt me and reminded me that I’ve lost my friend and not they nor any other animal will be able to replace her. I cannot pour all the love and care I had felt for her into someone else because I feel like all that disappeared when she did. I didn’t say anything and walked away with tears in my eyes and tremendous guilt in my heart.

We accept the love we think we deserve - A sentence which has affected me greatly from the moment I read it in a book, and has stayed with me ever since. I referred to it as the ultimate truth. I will never again receive love because I no longer believe that I deserve any form of love and will never again give love to anyone else. I cannot accept it anymore nor ask for it, even though I really need it.

The world seems like a horrible place to be in when you need help and you ask someone for it, and they not only don’t give it to you, but they know exactly what to do and they still turn away.

I do not want sleeping meds or antidepressants.

[reikisessions]

Radical Gratitude: How to Turn Your Pain into Peace

My journey to living in gratitude began in 2010. And let me say that up until that time, until I was age forty-five, I was a complainer, griper, and a whiner, with absolutely no reason to complain!

Luckily, I was saved from these very wasteful, counter-productive habits when I was given a blank journal one Thanksgiving season by a New Thought minister, who told us if we journaled five things we were grateful for forty days, our life would change exponentially for the better.

I dutifully wrote my gratitude lists, and oh my god, my life did change. It worked! I let go of complaining and started focusing on all the good in my life, and there is plenty.

Since then:

1. I have written five or ten things to be grateful for almost every day for years and years. Each morning and each evening, I also reflect on what I am thankful for.

2. I have realized (and I am thankful) that it is now my calling and passion to share the power of gratitude to inspire others.

3, Because of my passion to share gratitude, I have written and published five books on gratitude!

Nowadays, I keep my gratitude practice alive and well by sending out daily email gratitude reflections to a group, and I also write letters to the Universe several times a week about what I am thankful for now, and in advance. I find that each year, my gratitude practice expands. Nowadays, I often write paragraphs rather than a short list about what I am grateful for.

Did you know that scientific studies prove that being grateful helps to be more peaceful, more joyful, and healthier? It is said that you cannot be simultaneously mad or depressed while being grateful, and I’ve found this to be true.

It is my belief that we can almost always find a reason to be grateful, even when confronted with tragedies, unexpected disasters, or even ill health—a practice known as “radical gratitude.” And this holds true for challenging people in our lives as well. Here are two disclaimers:

Forgiveness and acceptance can often be key to finding the gratitude in a situation, but these two concepts will not be discussed in this article. The article would be too long!

One more disclaimer: I realize there are some tragedies where a person cannot ever feel gratitude, such as losing a loved one or being sexually abused. It may not work for everybody and every situation.

But more often than not, we can find the gratitude in negative situations in our life.

My Personal Experience of Finding Gratitude in Tough Times

In the summer of 2018, Oregon (where I live) had many devastating wildfires. We watched in horror and disbelief as it came closer and closer to our home. It became obvious we would probably be evacuated. The smoke was black, firefighters and National Guard were checking everyone’s IDs before letting them enter the street to our house.

Neighbors and I got out of our cars to stop and watch it burning fields and trees so close to our homes. I tried to keep a positive attitude, but it got to be only a half-mile up the street from our house. Very, very scary! I love where we live, and the thought of losing our home was terrifying.

On a Saturday afternoon, as I tried to take a nap to escape, our phones started ringing and texting that we were in Level 3, evacuation time. Get out now.

We took our dogs and my cockatiels, computer, important papers, and some clothes and left the rest. We were evacuated for six days and got to come home—all houses and neighbors were thankfully safe and sound. Here are my gratitude takeaways:

1. We were taken in by friends from the Center for Spiritual Living where I attend, and actually about eight other people had offered us refuge as well. I am very grateful for that, and for Alison and Gary who made us feel at home, helping me set my computer up at their house so I could work and putting up with us and our messy pets. We all became much closer friends through this experience, and we socialize with them regularly.

2. I am now grateful for the firefighters and all personnel who helped—in my heart, not only in my head. They are amazing!

3. I think the biggest gratitude I have for the wildfire experience is that I was able to surrender and let go of coming back to our home. This was the only way to stay sane, and that was a gift. After all, it is love, not possessions that matter, and I got clearer on that through the experience.

When I was thirty-five, I lost my beautiful mother when she was only fifty-seven through cancer. This was a horrible time in my life. I remember waking up feeling good and then immediately feeling dread and sorrow, when I remembered that Mom would die soon.

One of my gratitude takeaways from that grief-stricken time is that I was Mom’s main caregiver, and that brought me much closer to her in those last nine months. My sisters and I got closer because of that experience, and that was the first time I got introduced to A Course in Miracles, a spiritual set of lessons that changed my life for the better.

My mother had what I called “Angels” helping her from The Center for Attitudinal Healing in Tiburon, CA and they studied A Course in Miracles, which prompted me to study it as well, because they were so giving and inspirational to me.

Also, before she died, my mother spent time reflecting on her cancer and what could have caused it, and felt that being a people-pleaser and fearful all her life had prompted the disease. She left me with the message not to be like her, which I am very grateful for and have always remembered, and changed my codependent behavior because of it. Additionally, we had time to say goodbye, which cancer usually provides, and that was a big blessing too.

One more example that changed my life incredibly in so many ways was going through a divorce after twenty-four years. This was a very difficult decision, I wasn’t sure if it was the right one, and my ex-husband ended up deciding for us. I was heartbroken. So heartbroken that I finally sought out the Center for Spiritual Living, in Santa Rosa, CA, which many people in my life had gently suggested I might attend because they felt I would love it too. And I did!

From the moment I entered, I got tears in my eyes, seeing all the loving, warm people. As I listened to the talk, I realized even more that this would be my spiritual home the rest of my life, and it has been.

I am eternally grateful for my divorce now. I took the spiritual classes voraciously; became a licensed practitioner, now serving in Oregon where I live. I am blessed to teach spiritual classes and workshops, and in 2019, I spoke at two Centers for Spiritual Living about the topics in this article.

I eventually met my second husband, who I have been with for almost twenty years, and we are much more compatible. He asked me to move to Oregon and I did. And I am in love with the forest, rivers, and beauty. None of this would have happened had I stayed in my first marriage. Very thankful!

In each of these cases, some gratitude was easily available, but more came later. It may take time, even many years to find the gratitude, but looking for it helps your healing.

I want to mention several well-known people and how they found radical gratitude in their lives. Each is very inspiring to me!

Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist who ended up being put into a concentration camp during the Holocaust, and amazingly, found a way to stay positive. He ended up writing a very impactful book as a result of his experience—Man’s Search for Meaning—which has sold fifteen million copies and thus, impacted so many people’s lives.

His premise is that we need to find meaning in life, and that will help carry us through even the hardest situations. He was a walking example. Here is a quote from his powerful book:

“Everything can be taken…but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Will Pye who wrote a wonderful book on the subject of radical gratitude, The Gratitude Prescription, after he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and, through gratitude, healed himself completely.

Here is a quote from his excellent book:

“In looking at our self and our life story through the lens of gratitude, we can come into contact with the beauty and heroism inherent in every human alive. Gratitude for self supports a compassion encompassing all of us.”

There are other examples too, of physical healing, where the person ends up being grateful for the illness. Anita Moorjani realized on a deep level that we are love after a near death experience, and could let go of her fear of cancer completely, and had a spontaneous remission. It is her calling to share her findings with others, and she wrote a beautiful book about her experience, Dying to Be Me, which has reached millions of people across the world.

Helen Keller has always been one of my heroes. Even though she was deaf and blind at such a young age, she somehow always found reasons to express her gratitude. I share a very powerful quote from her:

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched—they must be felt with the heart. I thank God for my handicaps. So much has been given me, I have no time to ponder over that which has been denied.”

In conclusion, I truly believe that we can almost always find gratitude in even the most challenging situations. It may take time, so be patient. Life is about how we respond to it, and we are always at choice, like Victor Frankl and Helen Keller so beautifully prove. I feel my own life examples also show this.

Being radically grateful is not always easy but incredibly worthwhile. Our attitude truly affects our lives, and living with gratitude is powerful beyond measure.

About

Deborah Perdue

Deborah Perdue, author of the beautiful Grace of Gratitude Journal, and four other gratitude books, loves to share the powerful practice of gratitude. She teaches workshops and classes and is an award-winning book designer. You can find her blogs here and listen to her talk on the same subject here. You can sign up for free daily Gratitude Reflection emails on the home page at graceofgratitude.com.

[apileoflaundry]

found another thing

have you ever had a conversation with a cab driver? Yeah but never one that was all that interesting do you have any shirts from vacation/tourist locations? Used to have a ton of them, but not anymore. I had one when I was a kid, it was from Oklahoma, and it was about tipping cows. That was cool lol. what is one place you would like to go back and revisit? Chicago. Haven’t been there in awhile. which would you prefer: a homemade gift, or a store-bought one? Homemade but obviously I’d accept store-bought ones. have you ever hugged a complete stranger? I’m not sure but probably not

when was the last time you were “under the influence?” Never how regular of an occurrence is this? Never what random acts of kindness have you engaged in lately? Sometimes I pick up trash from the ground. Idk what else do you know anyone who has never read the HP books? who? Probably plenty of people but I don’t care who. I’ve never read all of them myself have you ever had a relationship last for a year or longer? It feels like I have but I can’t remember what ended it, or are you still involved? *shrug* what kind of scented lotion is your favorite? I don’t care where’s the weirdest place you’ve stuck your used gum? When I was a kid I stuck it in someone’s car, she was pissed and made me clean it up what’s the best time you’ve had at a high school sports game? I went to a game with my dad, it was my high school vs. some school whose mascot was the Coyotes. But it wasn’t held at either high school, it was at our rival’s if you’re out late, where are you likely to be? Not likely to be out late do you ever visit your mall’s arcade (if it has one)? It doesn’t have one when was the last time you had hot chocolate? It was at school and it was basically hot water shirts with sarcastic sayings: yay, or boo? Yay. I want some. I have a baseball shirt that says “touchdown” if that counts if “yay,” do you have a favorite? ”Why be racist, sexist, homophobic, or transphobic when you could just be quiet?” (maybe not sarcastic but it feels like it) if you lost the use of your limbs, would you still want to live? Yeah I’ve got too much to live for, hope in a better future and of course being there for my girlfriend as examples what’s your absolute favorite topic to discuss? Anything I fanboy over

what is your least favorite topic to discuss? Uhhh personal things when I’m talking to people I don’t want to share them with when was the last time you played hide-and-go-seek? A couple years ago with my cousins where was your favorite place to hide? I never had one what is your opinion on psychics? real, or fake? Isaac Newton didn’t even exist he was just made up, so was physics have you ever watched “are you smarter than a fifth grader?” Yeah, I actually liked it when I was a kid how would you rank your “class participation” in school? It’s horrible in a group because I hate talking to people, but I still raise my hand in class so it’s not too bad have you ever cut your own hair? how about anyone else’s? A few times for myself, never for anyone else. You know how in books and movies there’s a trope where a kid cuts their own hair and it looks like shit? That never happened to me lmao. what is your favorite holiday treat? My grandmother makes these cookies called chocolate dogs and they’re delicious. I should ask her for the recipe so I can make some on my own. how many people have you emotionally hurt? Don’t have a specifically number but probably too many. I’m not the absolute worst person in the world but I’m kind of fucked up. I’m working on bettering myself and I’ve made some progress, but I certainly feel ashamed of my past. how many people have you physically hurt? I fought with my brother as a kid. But other than that not that many, I’m normally not physically violent. were these times intentional, or were they accidents/mistakes? Well both...I don’t want to go into detail :P what is the last thing you asked your parents to purchase for you? I asked for a haircut yesterday because I have no money. My dad gave me $40 and I have yet to use it. do you have any buttons or pins on your backpack? No but it would be pretty cool to have some.

if yes, what do they say? N/A what is your favorite kind of lunch meat? Ham. It goes well with cheese. And this weird spicy mustard we have in the fridge. do you know anyone who is truly obsessive compulsive? Not that I know of. have you ever been confined to a wheelchair? No. how many “top friends” do you have on myspace? ???

do you like oatmeal? It’s okay. I’ve never had good oatmeal though, just the crappy packaged kind from the store.

how many people are on your bzoink friends list? ?????? How old is this???? do you enjoy mainstream music, or prefer underground bands? Depends on what “mainstream” is. The Beatles are very popular but they’re not the top band of 2019. Anyway I like rock music so not very mainstream in the first place how many bands are you “friends” with on myspace? W h a t are you friends with more bands than individual people? meep

do you have a library card? do you use it? Yeah but rarely. I should use it more do you cuddle with your pet (if you have one)? Yeah I cuddle with my cat! He likes curling in a ball next to me when I’m sleeping :3 do you have any candy left over from halloween? I didn’t go trick or treating last year so no. I have some candy stored in my bedroom though. It’s mostly stuff I don’t care about but it’s still candy have you heard of paula godspeed? No have you ever made a bzoink friend test? I’ve never even heard of bzoink who has the best score on it? Jesus Christ himself do you think that you work better under pressure? It depends on what under pressure means. I work better when a deadline is coming up, and I buckle down and get to work. But I don’t work well when someone’s yelling at me to get stuff done, it just makes me stressed and I don’t work well when stressed.

or, do you ONLY work under pressure? Uh no what college did you want to attend as a kid? ASU was that still your choice when you grew up? I mean I’m 18 but I still feel like a kid, my plan is to go there after community college what sports star or athlete did you aspire to be like as a kid? I don’t play sports what has happened to all your old toys? We threw most of them out. But some of them, like my baby toys, were given to other people. when was the last time you shopped at a garage sale? When I was 10. I had a babysitter that liked garage sales have you ever thrown popcorn at anyone? I don’t think so but it sounds like something I would do haha

What’s your definition of weird? There are different kinds of weird. There’s weird as in, you’re different from other people, and there’s weird as in, you’re fucking creepy. The former is like people who like things that aren’t socially acceptable but don’t harm anyone, and the latter is when they do harm others, like pedophiles. I gladly accept anyone who’s weird as long as they’re not the harmful type. Do you use shaving cream? No because as of the time of writing I don’t need to shave. When I start testosterone I will When was the last time you cleaned your room? Is your room clean? I cleaned up a little the other day but it’s still messy Have you ever personally known any girl who shaved their head? Not personally. Have you ever known anyone who committed suicide? No, but that would devastate the shit out of me.

Have you ever tried to commit suicide? Yep. Have you ever coughed up blood? I’ve coughed up mucus with blood in it, but never pure blood How do you wish you could die? In my sleep. And also when just about everything I’ve ever wanted to do in my life has been fulfilled. What’s the longest phone conversation you’ve had lately? I haven’t had one lately. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My dad I think What were the last words you said? ”(Brother’s name), be quiet” Who was the last person you hugged? My brother Do you have any apps on your Facebook? If so, what? Don’t have Facebook What’s some of the worst pain you’ve ever felt? Woke up one morning and my abdomen hurt like crazy for unknown reasons, I didn’t even want to get up. What kind of mouse pad do you have? I have one of a tiger that I’m not using. What color is your mouse? Black and gray. Do you or have you ever had an eating disorder? No. Do you think you’re fat? No. Do you know any who might be anorexic? Do you know anyone who has bulimia? Not that I know of. Did you ever want a pony when you were little? Yeah, I was never crazy about it but I had a toy pony named Boots, named after a pony my grandmother had. What’s your favorite cheese? Monterrey Jack I guess What’s your favorite cake? Ice cream cake is the shit What are you having/what did you have for dinner tonight? I didn’t have much of a dinner but I stole some fries from my dad and I had a shake from Sonic. What’s your favorite dessert food? Brownies. With M&Ms. What’s your favorite candy? Snickers. Have you ever had a Nos? Wtf is a Nos?? How long have you been taking this survey? A couple hours on and off What are you listening to right now? Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups. It reminds me of a friend I used to have. Our friendship died awhile ago, maybe it was mostly my fault for not maintaining it, but I still find it sad even though I haven’t talked to him in years. Still it’s a great song, I just felt like sharing that What is the closest thing to you right now that is alive? My family sleeping What’s your worst fear? Shitting myself. I’m not kidding it scares the hell out of me Are you an outcast? Absolutely. Do you exercise? Hardly ever. I walk occasionally and ride my bike infrequently, but that’s about all I do. I know I should exercise more but I’m not sure where to start Do you hate it when people repeat themselves? Only when it’s annoying Do you say like a lot? Yep What’s your favorite carnival food? (cotton candy, corn dogs, funnel cake) Fried Twinkies Do you have a good memory? In 5th grade we went on a field trip to St Louis. We went to this museum for kids and I had a lot of fun. The most I remember of it was that there was a slide that was dark and it sent you to a room, and it had a camera so you could see if someone’s on the slide. We flipped off the camera. Do you dislike writing school essays? Yes Are you a very open-minded person? I’m mostly open-minded but not as much as I could be. Are you modest? Yeah I think so What kind of guys/girls do you usually fall for? Funny, dorky, kind ones.

Do you skate? Not really Are you in a band? Nope Can you play the guitar? If not, what other instrument do you play? I wanted to pick it up a long time ago but I hate playing instruments. I don’t know how to play anything besides the recorder If you were to make it big with your own band, what would its name be? The initials of everyone in the band (idk) What’s your favorite kind of pasta? Spaghetti but I fucking love pasta Would you rather a friend come over to your house or you go over there? I go over there What’s the perfect first date? Cuddling and watching anime Have you ever had rabies? No Do you know anyone who ever had to get a rabies shot? No Have you ever gone hunting? No Ever eaten deer? Duck? Squirrel? How about lamb? No Are you a vegetarian? Nope, I love meat Do you know any vegetarians? What about vegans? Yes Do you know what a vegan is? How about fruititarian? Oh come on What’s your favorite search engine? Google Internet Explorer or Firefox? Safari or Firefox? Chrome Do you have hair in your nose? Who doesn’t?? How long, in miles, is the width of your fingernail? 100000000000000000000+ miles Are you a math wiz? Noooo What’s your favorite subject? Don’t have one What is your locker number at school? Do you have a lock on your locker? We don’t have lockers. Used to but we got rid of them Have you ever received a note in your locker? No Do you like to laugh? Definitely, but doesn’t everyone?

Damn it’s over? I want to write more even though I'm tired :<

[kansascityhappenings]

Mom says 6-year-old daughter bit by dog at Blue Springs dog park

BLUE SPRINGS, Mo. — Six-year-old Cora Richter says she just wanted to befriend a dog that her mother, Rosalind, says attacked her at the Blue Springs Dog Park on Saturday evening. The girl is recovering at home after being treated for her injuries at two metro hospitals.

Richter said she isn’t mad at the dog’s owner, but wishes they could have come forward. If they had, Richter says, it could have saved her from painful medical treatments.

All Cora wanted for her birthday last year was a best friend, and her mom finally made her wish come true with her puppy, Bella.

“She’s always wanted one, and I finally did,” Richter said.

On Saturday, she says Cora’s dad picked her up from her house, and they went to the dog park with her pup when Cora wandered off into a wooded area.

“I noticed this dog and nobody was petting him and I was trying to help him have a friend and then he bit me,” 6-year-old Cora said.

“I got call saying Ros, you need to head up to the hospital,” Richter said. “There`s been an accident with Cora. She’s been bit by a dog.”

She needed stitches on her face, and lost her two front baby teeth. They didn’t know the dog who bit her, or if it was up to date on shots, so Richter turned to Facebook hoping to find the owner. Ultimately when they weren’t able to find them, Cora’s parents went forward with Rabies shots.

“Once they sedated her they had to give her a series of shots inside the wounds, and obviously, that’s painful,” Richter said.

Cora’s mom said eyes should have been on her daughter, but someone should have been watching their dog as well.

“The sad thing is is when you are in a public place as a responsible owner of a dog, and a parent of a child, everyone should be watching each other,” Richter said.

Cora doesn’t blame the dog who bit her, and hopes it can learn to be tame. She’s not scared of dogs even after the attack.

“[I hope] he finds more friends and he doesn’t bite anymore,” Cora said.

“She was just concerned,” Richter said. “She was like, well what are you going to do to the dog? She was worried about herself. She said, Mommy, I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have walked away.”

Cora will be recovering at home for at least a few days while she heals, and the swelling goes down, and she hopes her scars will fade.

“I just want to not feel sick, and I want to make all this stuff go away off my face,” Cora said.

Richter says Cora is worried that other children will make fun of her, or be scared of her injuries. She hopes parents who go to school with Cora will talk to their kids about what happened, and they will be kind.

“The sad thing is she’s worried about people bullying her, and my little girl is the kindest,” Richter said.

“I want to go back to school so I can see all my friends,” Cora said.

Richter says while what happened to Cora was horrible, it could have been a lot worse, and after everything they’ve been through there is something to be grateful for.

“Just having her home, and in my arms, that`s the most important thing,” Richter said.

The City of Blue Springs is also trying to locate the dog and it’s owner. They did not release a description, but based on Cora’s memory and tips her mother received through Facebook they believe it was a possibly a bird dog, medium in size, with white fur and brown spots and long hair. If you have any information on the attack please contact the Blue Springs Police Department.

from FOX 4 Kansas City WDAF-TV | News, Weather, Sports https://fox4kc.com/2019/01/06/mom-says-6-year-old-daughter-bit-by-dog-at-blue-springs-dog-park/

from Kansas City Happenings https://kansascityhappenings.wordpress.com/2019/01/07/mom-says-6-year-old-daughter-bit-by-dog-at-blue-springs-dog-park/

[zzz0nked]

Hi. 

Today is December 31st 2018. In several hours we will bring in the new year and it will be 2019. A lot of people find this time of year tough, lonely and depressing. This year, I am one of those people. 

Exactly a year ago I was at a party surrounded with loads of friends and I was on a complete high. I had just started seeing someone I fell madly in love with, I wasn’t with him at the time, but he was very much in my life and I knew that 2018 would begin with the most wonderful feeling: love. 

Right now I’m in my bedroom, crying. Because my life is not like that, I don’t feel that sense of love all around me and I don’t want to carry that with me into 2019. So I’m going to try to let it go, the only way I know how, writing it, releasing it and hopefully leaving it behind. 

The relationship I carried with me into 2018, the love I felt, it all ended a month ago. It has positively ripped me to shreds. I have never loved someone that much, nor have I ever missed anyone the way I have missed him, 

2018 began the best it ever has for me, but it quickly took a turn. My mum got told her kidneys are failing, my boyfriend left, my mental health has suffered and sometimes, a lot of the time now, my mind goes to dark places and I find it hard getting it out. I took a serious hit, but I also know lots of people have taken serious hits this year. Sometimes your life reaches a point you don’t want it to, sometimes you find yourself in a rut, a dark place, but the only thing you can do is change it yourself. 

For the past five months I have been taking sporadic panic attacks. Panic attacks aren’t always not being able to breathe, sometimes it’s when you get a rush of dizziness, when you feel your heart pounding in your chest to the point were you can’t even see. In the past five weeks, I have taken at least one of them every day. I have slept probably at most an hour or two a night and I know the breakup I experienced set it off to be more extreme. I know the reason I am so down isn’t entirely due to m ex leaving, but I think the wounds that come with rejection and the loss of someone who meant a lot rips open scars and brings things you didn’t really know were even a thing to the surface and forces you to deal with them. 

I miss my ex. He was my best friend, the person I was closest to and the thing I loved most in the world. Of course I miss him, I think about him every day. And although my 2018 was the best because of him and also the worst because of him, 2018 was the worst year he has ever had. A lot of bad, unfortunate things happened to him all at once. He managed to continue, to get up and keep moving forward, despite the constant hits he took. Our relationship ended and with the end of a relationship comes with it, a lot of negative feelings and the feeling that everything sucks. 

I gained and lost someone this year. I learned new things about myself and I am currently battling with the absolute worst grief I have ever endured. There’s nights I feel so lonely it’s crippling. There’s days I wake up and the first thing I do before anything else is burst into tears. When it gets tough, I think about all the things I am thankful for. 

- I am thankful for my mum. She’s sick, in more ways than one. But I don’t know what I’d do without her. That’s why hearing she could die is the worst thing I have ever heard. She has helped me every day, built me up when I feel like I can’t go on. She is everything great. I am thankful to have a mum like her. 

- I am thankful for my friends. For Sarah and how she pulls me through everything. For planning Harry Potter Studios with me when I feel like I have no one. For picking me up at my house at 7pm when I spent an hour crying to her on the phone. I am even thankful for my ex-girlfriend, who messages me regularly because she knows I am in pain. For still caring, despite the baggage. I am thankful for Rachael and Louis, the friends that still care every day. The ones that reach out and listen. Thank you, you make my days so much brighter. 

- I am thankful for my ex. The one that I lost. It wasn’t a nasty breakup, it wasn’t horrible. He didn’t do anything other than try his best and do what he thought was right. I spent a long time after we broke up messaging and still asking for help, he never turned me away, not once. He answered all my questions and soothed me through it, he tried his best because he cared. If i messaged him now, he’d reply. He would never ignore me. He taught me so many amazing things, he made me better and more confident. I am thankful for you, for everything. I am heartbroken its over, I wish it didn’t end, but in a slightly different world I may never of ever got to experience the things I did, so I am so thankful. 

- I am thankful for my job. For being employed. For being able to earn money. There’s people unemployed with nothing, I have the opportunity to earn money and keep myself living. 

- I am thankful I have a place at university. Its hard sometimes, sometimes I think I’m not good enough, but I am so thankful I have been given that opportunity. 

- I am thankful I have a nice home, a nice place to live. I am happy I have a phone, clothes, a pet, a laptop, a bed to sleep in, two guinea pigs, a life. 

Something in my life ended. That wasn’t my entire life. I’m sad this year, hours before the bells and the tick of new year, I am sad because something bad happened, a lot of bad happened. But there can’t ever be any good if there is no bad. There cannot be any happiness if there is no sadness. Just like there cannot be a heaven without a hell. There cannot be darkness without the light, that’s why shadows exist. Life will bring in a share of hurt, pain and discontent just the same as it will provide happiness. 

Everything does happen for a reason. Things end, doors close, but new ones open, sometimes you’re just so focused on the closure of a door that you can’t see the new one opening. Heartbreak is a long and winding road that takes time to heal, but most importantly perspective. 

So, I am choosing not to carry this negativity into 2019. Sure, the pain won’t go away tonight and I won’t wake up tomorrow feeling miraculously better. But I choose to try and look at it differently. My mum could and probably will get better and she’ll be forever changed and stronger for it, my mental health has the chance to get better, improve and teach me a lesson, I will get over my breakup and be stronger and wiser for it, and I could vastly improve my grades and set goals and achieve things. Things don’t get better on their own, you actually have to try. Things don’t just come to you, you have to go and get them. 

January will be tough, but I choose to not let it swallow me up like December. I choose to look at this as a lesson, a challenge and not a tragedy. I choose to let myself grow from it, not fall apart. 

Things can and will get better. For everyone, anyone who is also feeling this way. Last year I was surrounded by friends and brought in the new year with a new love. Its hard that I am single and alone, but I’m not alone.I have chosen not to do anything for new year because I’m working at 7 tomorrow, I still have all those friends. The only person I don’t have is him, but things end, love doesn’t work sometimes. There’s loads of other couples currently still in relationships and it stings, but it’s not sad to be single, being single doesn’t mean you’re alone. With recent events and emotions, I have learned I need to be alone to properly enjoy being single and even content with it, before I can ever be truly happy with anyone else. I need to find things for myself and learn to share, not have everything be them.

Happiness will come, just as it does and just as pain follows. That’s life. But really it’s about how you look at it and to not allow yourself to be swallowed up by the thought that you’re destined to be unhappy forever, you’re not. 

These are my resolutions for 2019:

- To eat better, exercise more, get more sleep, focus on myself and bring more positivity and self love into my life. 

- To learn to drive and pass 3rd year uni. 

- To finally get over this heartwrenching pain and be able to look back on the worst month of my life and no longer feel despair or pain.

- To enjoy being single. To love myself and only myself. 

- To be better with money, save more, stop being so much crap that isn’t needed. 

- To remember everything is temporary, pain, happiness, everything is temporary and a transition. To accept that and actually be okay with it.

- Learn that no one except me is responsible for my happiness. It comes from within, not anyone else. 

- To be there for my mum, to make her proud and show her one day I managed to get over this mess. 

2019 will be better. Promise.