#i made the worst decisions as a 14 y/o

[kraviolis]

as i get older and continue to exist online i cant help but question why so many adults got into arguments with me over fandom bullshit when i was a teenager, and yet i also completely understand why they did.

[hexonthepeach]

dark & stormy 1: landfall

summary: you’re a housekeeper in a seedy hotel working through the worst hurricane of the season when you’re invited to spend the evening with your two sexy but enigmatic co-workers. when you accidentally uncover their secret identities you're dragged into a darker world—one you may already know too well

pairing: jaehyun (nct) x johnny (nct) x fem!reader (code name: jenny)

genre: the late-70s/early-80s miami vice/nice guys/secret agent johnjae/reader au no one asked for or: a work of madness inspired by the infamous w korea shoot

word count: 12.8k of 63k+

warnings: explicit sexual content (m/f, m/m, mmf threesome) [see chapters for detailed tags], dark themes, implied murder, drug-use (alcohol, quaaludes), drugging w/o consent, stalking, kidnapping (non-sexual), bondage, minor knifeplay/gunplay, slight age gap [y/n early 20s, jj late 20s/early 30s], y/n implied dark origins/criminal history (OC vibes but history left open for interpretation), sleep paralysis/nightmares, walk-on guest appearances from other nct members inc. sungtaro in later chapters

fic masterlist

[current] | part 2: disturbance formation | part 3: eye of the storm | part 4: dissipation | part 5: blue skies | part 6&7: aftermath & epilogue

chapter warnings: implied sexual content, alcohol consumption, stalker Jaehyun, PTSD related OCD, detailed descriptions of dead bodies, animal death, animal euthanization, non-consensual drugging, inappropriate use of bible verses and old tv show references

recommended listening: romanticist by yves tumor

The hurricane had been downgraded to a tropical storm but the damage was done, long before it hit the coast on a holiday weekend. You could curse all the weathermen predicting its trajectory. They'd all been wrong, and the consequences were being felt most by you and the rest of the staff of the Magic Carpet. 

The smarter locals had evacuated while the tourists who’d made no changes to their plans were trapped here without return flights, holed up in their vacation rentals and hotel rooms, requiring all the convenience of services that you, unfortunately, were there to serve. 

If only you could have had a job at one of the luxury resorts, where there were multiple staff for each of the floors and a full kitchen for fine dining. But no, you work at the Magic Carpet Ride Hotel—a name cursed by having neither magic nor a decent carpet. The place isn’t even fully Arabian Nights; after a fire in the ‘50s management had remodeled the combination bar and restaurant to be vaguely Tiki-themed. 

There’s only a few saving graces to being a housekeeper here (god you hate when people called you a maid) and that’s the inspired decision to put a pool inside. It's a warm and comfortable grotto where you can pretend for a moment that the world isn’t being wrecked by 70 mph winds and your 14-hour shift can melt away into the heated water. 

Unfortunately even off-the-clock you’re on call. Your manager shoves one of the few rickety room service carts in front of you the moment you enter the lobby to head downstairs.

“Doll, I need you to make a run up to room 217,” he says, cigarette hanging from his mouth. The front desk phone rings behind him and he exhales a puff of smoke through his nostrils, the dull lights shining on his bald head.

“Isn’t Ruby on night shift?'' You sigh, staring at the sad plate of leftover bar fruit and  bottles of RC Cola and Schweppe’s ginger beer. There’s also a bucket of ice and a ridiculous pile of chips and plastic-wrapped snack cakes: Mickey’s Banana Flips and Jim Jams. The order is probably for one of the several families with kids trapped in this hellhole with you. 

“Ruby’s got her hands full with towels and turndowns,” he says. “Just do me a solid this time. They said they’d tip good.”

The moment you hear tips your ears perk a little. You weren’t working this job out of love after all, your survival was dependent on leftover pizza and the occasional change left in vacated rooms. You shrug and take the cart, heading towards the elevator to your last call.

The air in the hotel is noticeably more humid and laced with ozone and the same sweat on the chilled glass of the order is dripping down your spine, under the crocheted knit of your swimsuit cover-up. You head towards the gloomy end of the hotel wing, hearing the occasional cough from one of the few occupied rooms. From inside 217 you can hear the faint sounds of Peaches & Herb’s “Reunited'' playing on the radio.

A quick rap on the door gives you no response so you consider leaving the tray but decide to announce yourself instead. 

“Room service,” you say. 

Come and get your stupid fruit, you think.

The door opens with a rush of cool air and Paco Rabanne aftershave and a sight that turns your mouth dry, the blood rushing to your face. 

The bronze-haired man leaning against the doorway is clothed but you feel like you’re glimpsing him nude. His yellow shirt with dyed palm trees is unbuttoned, white shorts slung low enough you can see the trajectory of those perfectly carved abdominal muscles. There’s even a little hair peeking above the brown-leather belt.

You must have been staring because he laughs, and that’s when you realize he’s not a tourist—indeed, you’ve glimpsed this face a thousand times on shift, working behind the bar or passing you in the hallway. 

“Hi, Johnny,” you say, looking up (up, up) to meet his warm gaze. 

You’d always avoided eye contact before, feeling embarrassingly small and frumpy in your orange uniform. Now your own skin is peeking through the loose knit of your coverup and you feel naked under his gaze. The older man has a cat-in-the-cream expression but there’s a kindness in his brown eyes that makes you feel more at ease. 

“What are you doing here?” you try not to stutter, looking past him into the dark of the room. 

“It’s my room,” he slings back.

The lights are low and there’s the distinct sound of someone inside. Oddly you feel a twinge of dismay, reminded of the second reason you’d avoided him: the other housekeepers had warned you that he tore through lonely hearts like paper. 

You’d seen him talking to guests and front desk girls alike, making them laugh with jokes delivered in that wry, deep tone, and maybe you'd been a little jealous of the attention. It’s not like you wanted to be a notch on anyone’s belt but this man was different. You think you’d give your left pinky finger just to know what his deal was.

“Off shift for the night. Looks like you are too.”  He sizes you with a short nod. Suddenly the hallway is much too big.

“Wanna come in?” Johnny asks. 

That surprises you. 

“I . . . I was gonna go for a swim.” The sensible part of your brain is blaring an emergency siren at the idea of going into a strange man’s hotel room. Especially with someone else in it. But you consider the offer.

“Just for a minute. I left my wallet inside,” he gestures behind him, bringing your attention back to the miles of tanned skin in front of you.

“You don’t have to, really.” Your voice is a murmur. 

Johnny grabs the cart across from you, tugging gently to snap you out of it.

“There’s someone else who’d be happy to see your pretty face.” He winks at you, pulling the cart from your limp grasp and leaving the door open. 

Your heart is pounding in your chest but you swallow your anxiety and follow him in, closing the door behind you on instinct alone. 

You may be shy but you’re not a coward. Even if you’re only just twenty-something you’ve lived on your own long enough to handle yourself. Johnny isn't a challenge . . . you think.

The room is blessedly clean. This is especially nice considering you’re the one who will probably have to clear it once they’ve vacated. There’s a few travel bags on the floor and a number of bottles and empty glasses strewn about, but no crumbs on the carpet or lingering smell in the room.

Except, perhaps, the odor of spearmint and grease you know so well. 

217’s other occupant is hitting the side of the TV with his hand, the signal fritzing as the antenna jumps around with the force. You’d recognize that back a mile away, set against the world and you, where you’re frozen in the entry to the room.

“Percussive maintenance,” Johnny jokes quietly, nudging your side as he passes. 

“Signal is out.”  Jaehyun turns around, catching sight of you.

Any relief you had about finding another man instead of a woman in the room is quashed as you meet those dark-as-night eyes. 

It isn’t that you are afraid of him—no it’s much more complicated than that. 

Like Johnny, Jaehyun’s also dressed in the hotel regulation tropical shirt and white shorts, meaning he was probably working after his shift as the Magic’s go-to handyman. Sometimes he helped out bar-backing, other times he played the aging grand piano in the lobby. 

Whenever you'd heard music drifting from the first floor you’d steal down to your perfect hiding place, tucked behind potted palms, pretending to mop the cracked arabesque tile. You liked the way he played, lost in the moment, his dark hair flopping across his forehead, mouth set in a grim line. 

That’s how you feel you know him best, pulling arrangements from thin air on woefully out-of-tune keys. Discordant notes were just color for his songs, 

“Hey, Jenny,” he says, face unreadable. 

It takes you a few seconds to realize Jaehyun knows who you are, before remembering the nametag you wear every day. It isn’t your real name, of course–but it was one you’d grown used to responding to.

Of course he’d seen it. If it hadn't been in the hallways it might have been when he came into your rooms to do repairs, or when you’d sat beside eachother in silence at the bus stop. The former was already special to you but the latter, the latter was what has you trapped in front of him and feeling so small.

“Baby girl brought us the goods,” Johnny says, popping one of the bottles from the cart. “What would you like to drink: a Cuba Libre or a Dark ‘n’ Stormy? Sorry we just have the rum and a few beers.”

You eye the Havana Club on the nightstand—not a liquor you’re familiar with. You don’t have much experience with drinking beyond the occasional glass of Riunite (on ice!) with the other girls in your co-ed housing. 

One drink should be fine, you think. One drink to pretend like you’re cool with these two.

“I don’t know. What’s good?” You look up at him, and he seems to like the uncertainty in your voice.

“I got you,” he says, smirking. “Let me borrow your knife, Jae.” 

You watch the other man toss a sheath with a very large looking handle over to his co-worker, and you freeze. 

You’d seen him wear it a few times, hooked into his utility belt with his other tools, doing nothing to dispel the allegations he was ex-military. 

“They say he did two tours in ‘Nam,” Ruby hisses into your ear as Maeve pulls up the blinds for a better view of the outdoor pool where Jaehyun checks the pump, sweat sticking to his white shirt, his jumpsuit tied at his waist

“He’d have to be over thirty, Rue. He can’t be older than twenty-five, twenty-six?”

 “You know they were still terrorizing those poor people over there five years ago. Maybe he was young.” Ruby scoffs. “My brother-in-law came home but he’s got that look, like he’s not all there.” 

“It’s a shame what those boys went through,” Maeve sighs, wiping the glass door to the patio with a rag soaked in vinegar. “Such a waste of a good-looking young man.”

Something in your chest had twisted at the older women’s words. Your daddy had been in Korea before you were born, and while he’d been distant and prone to bouts of violence it wasn’t like he was missing something. He certainly hadn't been a waste, whatever people said about him. 

You knew all about the mean things people had to say, you’d experienced it yourself, so you didn’t give much thought to why their words had made you so angry at the time. Thinking about it now it’s absurd, but the effect Jaehyun has on you has always been out of the ordinary.

“Late night swim, huh?” Johnny says. “You could just go outside for second.”

A dark laugh follows, but nothing else. You look over your shoulder to find Jaehyun turning the TV off.

“It’s better at night.” You explain. You watch as Johnny cuts limes with the six-inch, black blade. There’s an oddly familiar prickling on the back of your neck, and you fidget waiting for the conversation to continue. 

“You shouldn’t go alone,” Johnny says.

“I’m used to it,” you respond, quietly. Johnny looks over your shoulder, meeting the eyes of the man behind you in a way you don’t think you could ever do.

As much as you’ve watched Jaehyun, you think, there'd been more times you’d caught him watching you. You'd felt him staring at you from across the laundry where you folded towels, or in the smoky break-room where you made your approximation of cafe con leche with microwaved milk and staff coffee so strong it could strip paint. 

The Y-100 late night radio DJ is giving an update on the storm and location of emergency shelters. Without the music you can hear the dull roar of the wind outside the closed blinds. The hotel is far enough from the beach there’s no surf to crash over the walls but the occasional crack of lightning through the shuttered window makes your heart race. 

“You wanna find another station?” Johnny asks. 

You nod, going to the clock radio, planning to switch to the classical music station you sometimes listened to while working, the one you leave on for night check-ins and turndowns. You're surprised by the hand on the dial that's there before you.

Jaehyun looks up at you from where he’s crouching next to the bed. 

“What do you like to listen to?” He asks.

Your throat clenches up, sure that’s the most he’s said to you in the three months you’ve known him.

“What . . . Whatever you like,” the words slip out unplanned. 

A cloud passes over Jaehyun’s face—gone in an instant, replaced by a tired, closed-mouth smile.

“Whatever you like,” he repeats, taking your hand and placing it on the knob.

Your mind is blank; you don’t even know what station you turn to, just finding the first with music without words. Johnny starts laughing immediately, shaking you out of your stupor. 

“Didn’t know you liked Beautiful music,” he says.

“What?” You hold the hand that Jaehyun had touched as if you’d been burnt—but not by heat, you think. Like touching a wall in the restaurant walk-in.

“Easy listening,” Johnny explains. He passes you a Collins glass filled halfway with pale ginger beer, the rest a dark rum float. “Let’s find something with less ads.”

Indeed, the next song is a too-loud announcer selling an event that’s either used cars or a dance night. Johnny reaches beside you to flick the dial to a much-more tolerable soul music station.

“This alright?” he asks, suddenly so close his breath is fanning the hair on your forehead. 

“Sure.” You agree immediately, backing away. “Thank you.”

You sit on the edge of the bed. You're unsure of what to do next. It feels like you’ll drop your glass to flee at the first sign of trouble. Johnny sits beside you, sprawled on the white sheets. He’s stripped the comforter and it makes you relax a little—management wouldn’t let you wash them unless they had what they described as a “visible stain”.

“Do you like it?”

You’re confused until you realize his eyes are flicking to the glass in your hands, yet untouched.

“Oh,” you say. You take a deep swallow, almost choking when the rum burns down your throat. After the initial numbness and sweetness from the alcohol dies the ginger and lime come through. You find yourself enjoying the bite of it. “It’s really good. What is it?”

Johnny shrugs. “Rum and ginger beer. Come over after your shift tomorrow, I’ll make you something even better.”

“Sure,” you say, knowing already you won’t go.

‘I’m surprised you’ve never come in before.”

“I have to work, usually,” you explain, your tongue looser after your second sip. 

"Oh, I know," he says. "You don't hang out much."

"No," you admit. 

You've never been to the hotel bar off-hours. When school is in session you work doubles on the weekends, sometimes missing the last bus and having to walk with your fist wrapped in-between your keys for comfort in the late hours. Thankfully no one’s ever bothered you.

“Well, I know I’d love to see more of you. Ruby comes in all the time.”

Of course Ruby does, you think. She’d described her multiple attempts to get Johnny into bed to you as you'd helped her finish cleaning her rooms, including graphic details about fellating him in one of the linen closets. The words “soup can” had haunted you every time you saw him after that, the Campbell’s jingle playing in your head.

The grimace on your face must be noticeable because Johnny is smiling in that cat-like way again, eyes narrowed. He takes a drink from his rum and coke, throwing his neck back. Sweat glistens on his tanned skin.

You’ve managed to distract yourself from the gloom sitting in the wicker chair across from you, but it’s taking a lot more willpower to not let your eyes wander down Johnny’s bare chest.

“Are you both staying in here?” you ask, turning to where Jaehyun is stripping the label off a beer bottle. 

“Jae’s up in 310," Johnny says. "But there’s a leak. Hasn't had the time to fix it in off-hours, you know."

He sits up straighter, dipping the bed beside you. "Which room did Old Chromedome give you?”

You know exactly who he's talking about: the day manager. Lavinsky had always had it out for you, mostly because he liked it when female staff mouthed off at him, and you never have. Your overnight room was just a consequence.

“114. The pool view,” you sigh. “It’s wet, too.” 

Water is seeping in through the sliding-glass door of your room and there aren’t enough towels in the hotel to keep it contained. Worse, the not-so-magic carpet is beginning to smell of mildew. Even a bath of industrial strength deodorizer isn’t enough to drown it.

“I’ll fix it when you’re working tomorrow,” Jaehyun says quietly. It would be inaudible if you weren't hyperfocused on what he had to say from the moment you'd entered the room.

“Oh you don’t have to,” you rush to answer, shaking your head. The ice clinks in your glass as you swirl it. “I don’t want to bother you.”

He looks up, smiling in a way that doesn’t reach his eyes. 

“It’s my job," he says.

The words are hardly a comfort–the opposite, actually.

Jaehyun takes another drink from his beer before standing up to pace around the room. That’s another thing you’ve noticed—for someone capable of such stillness he has a tendency to fidget when left to his own devices. 

You clear your throat, tapping your glass.

“Let’s play a game,” Johnny says brightly, breaking the tension. “Poker?”

Neither of you answer affirmatively.

“Strip poker?” He offers. 

“No,” you and Jaehyun say the word at the same time, and you smile a little at Johnny's offended expression. 

“Rummy? Crazy Eights?” 

“No cards,” Jaehyun says. He collapses on the opposite side of the bed, his skull colliding with the wood paneling in a way that makes you want to check if he’s alright before you watch him readjust.

“A drinking game, then,” Johnny says. 

“Don’t know any.” You decline.

“Oh but I bet you know this one. Truth or Dare. If you don’t want to do something or say something you just take a drink.” 

Before you can protest Johnny gets up to fetch the rum bottle, pouring a few fingers each into styrofoam cups usually reserved for the hotel coffee service.  He hands them out with the gravitas of serving the finest vintage.

“This is stupid.” Jaehyun says from where he’s sitting, eyes on the popcorn ceiling.

“How about . . . Never Have I Ever?” you ask softly. You're remembering a preteen slumber party where you’d ended up winning while the others put all ten fingers down. They’d called you a square, but then you’d never shared your secrets with them, knowing they'd probably call you worse. 

“See I knew Jenny knew how to have fun,” Johnny says, plucking the empty glass from your hand only to fill it more and hand it back to you.

You don’t remember finishing the first drink but you look down at the warm rum and feel a glimmer of satisfaction in knowing you’ll be able to sate your curiosity about the two men. There’s not much they’ll be able to throw your way–how much could they know? This is your first real conversation with either of them.

“I’ll get us started,” Johnny says, sitting on the bed again in the best place to triangulate with you and Jaehyun. 

You ease your way onto the mattress, taking off your wedge sandals so the straps don’t dig in, letting them fall to the green rug below. When you look up Jaehyun’s eyes are resting on your ankles and you instinctively pull your legs under you.

“Never have I ever . . .” Johnny begins, looking around the room for inspiration, gaze falling on the rotary phone. “Listened in on a conversation on a party line.”

“Liar,” Jaehyun says, drinking. 

You tilt your head in a nod and toast him, drinking as well.

Johnny guffaws at you in a way you recognize, his mouth half-open as his head dips down in return. “You’re not as innocent as I thought.”

“I’m from a town of about 500 people,” you say once the burn of the rum is gone. “You hear a lot of things.”

Perhaps they think you mean listening in on a negotiation of a refund on a pig who turned out to be a boar instead of a sow but no, you’re thinking about the time you and your roommates voyeured on phone sex between a 3rd floor girl and her boyfriend in the early hours of the morning. You’d wrapped the receiver in a hair towel so they couldn’t hear the giggling, entranced by the description of things you hadn’t even read in books. 

“I see, I see. Jae, you go.” 

“Never have I ever . . . hitch-hiked.”

Both Johnny and you raise your cups at the same time, and you have to blink away the tears as the swallow affects you just as much as the first. Jaehyun stares at you curiously.

“Cross-country buses are expensive.” You shrug. It isn’t like you're Sissy Hankshaw. Everyone did their turn on the highway, you were lucky yours was short.

You look at the man beside you for reassurance.

“Oh, I just did it for fun,” Johnny laughs. “Your turn.”

“Never have I ever . . .” 

You don’t want to spook them into not playing so you figure you’ll start with a softball. “Never have I been overseas.”

You’re rewarded when they both drink.

“You’re lucky we have another bottle with us,” Johnny says, reaching over with a long arm to fill your glass. The bottle of rum is still mostly full, you think, but the buzz makes you feel a little bold, the question tumbling off your lips.

“Where’ve you been? Overseas?”

“We don’t have enough liquor for that conversation,” Johnny jokes. Jaehyun swirls his cup, running his other hand through dark hair touched gold by the sun.

“Born overseas.” Jaehyun says, looking up at you. He recognizes the question in your eyes. “Dual citizenship.”

You want to ask him where but you save it, knowing it annoyed you to no end when you'd heard the same question countless times before. 

“Never have I ever milked a cow,” Johnny interrupts. You’re the only one who drinks, and the men slap hands across the head of the bed, as if they'd won a sports match.

“You don’t have much of an accent,” Johnny says. “Where’s that tiny town at? The Midwest?”

“The South,” you quip, making them both laugh. You’re surprised by the sound of Jaehyun’s laughter, like it originated deep inside of him.

“Well, you got us there,” Johnny says, tipping his blonde head.

“Never have I ever . . .” Jaehyun pauses, a bit of pink creeping into his cheeks and ears. “Worn women’s underwear.”

“That’s cheating,” Johnny exclaims before drinking. You sputter rum out of your mouth, wiping it away as you laugh at his sour expression.

“I looked good in them, too,” he continues and soon you are curled over on the bed, laughing more than you think you have in years. It isn’t just the drinks, this is the first time you’ve had actual fun in as long as you can remember.

“Never have I ever kissed a boy,” you say, intending it as a joke to move the game along. The silence that settles over the room is so dense it seems to absorb even the soft music from the radio, the swish of rain against the side of the hotel growing unbearable.

“I meant girl . . .” you lie, poorly, words dying on your tongue as they both drink. Jaehyun sips but Johnny clears his whole coffee cup, placing it on the nightstand as a finale. 

“Oh.” You hiccup. 

Suddenly things are becoming a little more clear in the light of intoxication: the shared room with the one king-sized bed, the articles of clothing draped across the unused desk. 

"'S cool," you offer, feeling stupid upon saying it.

You consider yourself an open-minded person—your peers in college and on the way to it are more diverse than you could have possibly imagined. It had changed your outlook on a lot of things that growing up in nowhere never dared touch. But you can’t help but feel a small twinge of disappointment, like something just within reach has slipped out of your grasp. 

“Don’t,” Jaehyun says suddenly, looking at Johnny with a dangerous look on his face. Your head snaps up to find the other man leaning towards you on the bed, hands raising to cup your cheeks. 

“Baby girl.” You can smell the cane sugar on Johnny’s breath, his face inches away from you. Your eyes focus and unfocus on his perfect Cupid’s Bow lips. “Are you telling me you’ve never been kissed?”

You feel like a deer poised to flee on a nighttime highway. 

“I . . . I’ve . . . Been kissed." You move to pull away but his large hands are now on your shoulders—not gripping, just holding you still as your body tremors beneath the touch. 

“Really?” He asks, gently.

“Ye . . .Yes.” Your voice is so quiet you can barely hear yourself, your eyes fixed on the olive green crochet of your dress. “I’ve just. Never kissed.”

“Never kissed someone?" The room in the air seems to go even more still. "Do you want to try kissing someone you like?”

Your skin is aflame, hands crushing the cup you’re still holding onto. You can’t look up, you can only focus on your own knee dipping into the white topsheet.

“Leave her alone,” Jaehyun’s voice is barely audible over the rapid breaths coming out of your mouth.

Johnny releases you to lean back and sit down on the bed beside you, legs folded.

“She’s fine. Aren't you, Jenny?" The question isn’t demanding as much as offering reassurance. 

And that's when you realize that you are fine, that even with the tension that sings like a taut wire around you, you have control. Your eyes flick up to where Jaehyun is sitting, afraid to look at his face lest your own body betray you. You watch him pull his bottom lip between his teeth, jaw shifting as he worries at it. 

“It’s your turn,” you say, straining a smile as you look back at Johnny. His whiskey-colored eyes are dancing, the concern brushed away. 

“Never have I ever—“

“Game’s over,” Jaehyun says. You don't see as much as feel him get up and blow past you both to the bathroom, watching his back as the door slams shut behind him. The noise makes you jump.

“He’s like that,” Johnny says, reaching for the rum bottle and pouring himself another dram. You shake your head when he offers you more, drinking what’s left and enjoying the warmth that spreads through you.

“Are you two . . .” You begin to ask, stopping when you see Johnny look bemused, and then actually amused. “S’okay! I don’t mind, it’s none of my—“

“Do you think he’s jealous of you?” Johnny laughs. “Oh no. No, it’s not like that.”

Your thoughts were already going a mile-a-minute, the sound of the shower starting in the next room putting everything on pause. It takes a moment to process what Johnny just said, and your body unwinds a bit as you realize the implication. 

“You’re cute, do you know that?” Johnny ruffles your hair above your ear, fingers just as warm as when he held you a minute ago. Suddenly you're alone with him, and much more close.

He’s as friendly as if he were an older brother, or the kind of male friend you’d always wanted, but there’s something in his look that sets your heart racing. If he asked you again if you wanted to be kissed—instead of kiss someone you liked—you think you’d say yes just to see how it felt.

“Thank you for the drinks,” you say, biting the inside of your cheek. “I’m sor—sorry.”

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, doll.” He moves back, propped up against the low headboard, perfectly-muscled legs so long they’re practically in your lap. “You leaving?”

“I think I should go,” you say, hearing the slur of tiredness and alcohol twisting your tongue. “Could you . . . Could you tell him I’m sorry?”

Johnny opens one of the eyes he had closed, face shaded in the wall light.

“Don’t tempt him to give you something you might actually be sorry for.”

You don’t know what he means but his delivery is dry. Just another joke at your expense, you think. You nod and retrieve your shoes and the vinyl tote bag you brought with you, flashing Johnny a smile. 

Your eyes never stray from the light shining through the gap under the bathroom door, not until the hotel door clicks shut behind you. 

You're thinking about the movie your roommate dragged you to recently, the one where William Hurt turned into a caveman after spending too much time in an isolation tank, as you float in the liminal blue of the pool you'd been dreaming of all day.

You can’t even remember the name of the film—Altered something—exhaustion setting in the moment your body touched the water. You work your way to the surface in the relative darkness and float face-up, tracking the glimmers of the underwater lighting on the faux stone ceiling. 

The water feature at the end of the pool provides a soothing white noise and the emptiness surrounding you makes you feel like you’re in your own vacuum chamber. 

You’d thought about going back to your swampy room but the lure of that late night swim was too powerful. Instead you had snuck past the unmanned front desk to the dark glass doors at the end of the hallway, your housekeeper’s keys clutched to keep from alerting whomever was on duty. 

You’re bobbing on the surface, chlorine burning your nose and ears immersed, when you feel it again—needles scraping over your exposed skin, chilling everywhere not touched by the water. 

You resist the urge to panic, or even to respond visibly. Something tells you to go gently, the way you used to lure abandoned feral cats out of the woods with a plate of food and patience. 

You swim to the far edge of the pool and then back again, body weightless as you go under. You’d caught the shadow that didn’t match after the first few breaths but any fear you have is locked away where you’d stored other, worser things. Only a few people have the key to this space, even fewer know you’re here.

When you feel the time is right you swim to the edge and place your elbows on the concrete, reaching out in the dark. You take a moment to remove your swimming cap, unsurprised when there's no movement from your peripheral vision.

“Hand me my towel?” you ask. 

It’s like asking the night for comfort. An eternity seems to pass before that smudge of darkness breaks away from the farthest corner to pick up the towel and drop it just out of reach. He sits down on one of the deck chairs, the weight as palpable as if he’d sat down on the ground next to you. 

Jaehyun is as unreadable as the day you met him, something you'd grown to appreciate in the short time since. 

You want to ask if he’s here to swim but you know he isn’t, and he might even take it personally if you alluded to him joining you. So you dry your face while clinging to the edge of the pool and rest your head on the folded towel when you're done.

You feel like a siren born without a song as you wait for him to speak. The quiet returns, that comfortable weight you’ve found in his presence returning with it. 

“I’m sorry.” he says. The words are low, just carrying over the rush of water. 

You toss your head a little in answer, fingers trailing circles in the water that dripped from your arm over the gritty floor. 

“Don’t be.”

“I went to your room,” he says, after a beat. “It stinks. You can have mine tonight.”

“Thank you. You. You don’t . . .”

“I moved your stuff already.”

Oh. 

Another automatic "thank you" dies on your lips. Heat suffuses your face, the air feeling even more thick than it already did with the humidity. 

Of course he has access to your room, he has the same skeleton key you do. If you’re surprised you don’t show it, grateful you always keep things neat. You’ve seen the mess of other people’s lives during mid-stay linen changes and it’s made you even more tidy. 

You must have paused a little too long because he speaks again. 

“Are you afraid of me?” Jaehyun asks.

You let the question hang, considering. Are you afraid of him? The more appropriate thing to ask yourself, you think, is whether or not you mind it. 

There was a time not long ago that whenever you entered a room he'd been working in earlier you found a tip on the nightstand. Not just the checkouts but rooms that had been empty for days, always in the same book left on the nightstand.

At some point you’d understood that the crisp, yellow-green bills hanging out of the Bible were laid flat to highlight a passage, stuck in the book of Proverbs. 

Proverbs 17:28. Proverbs 18:13. Proverbs 19:20. Proverbs 21:23. Words you knew all too well. 

You’d caught him out by leaving a message in return. You’d snuck into an unused room stripped for repair work on a morning you knew he was on shift, the $20 you’d collected over that month placed around Proverbs 16:19. It was possible someone else had taken the money but the tips had stopped appearing in your rooms after that. 

Even if the cash wasn’t easy to part with, you had your pride. And you’d never known exactly what he wanted in return. 

Any other man might have broken the act then, but whatever space existed between you remained as airtight as ever. He’d still just been around, drifting through your periphery as impenetrable as a safe you didn’t have the combination for.

So no, you think. You aren’t afraid of him. 

No, you don't mind.

You pull yourself up out of the water with the last strength you think you have left, your arms strained by a day’s work punching pillows and pushing carts. Sitting on the edge of the pool you wrap the towel tight around you, hiding the sunflower yellow bikini you’re wearing. 

There’s a steel in your spine as you move, the kind of posture you know you’ve taken on when you’ve felt his eyes. Instead of ignoring it, you stand up to move right in front of him. 

Reaching out, you lift his right hand from where it rests on the striped deck chair. He lets you hold it, arm limp and heavy. 

There’s calluses on his fingers like yours, bone-white knuckles and veins showing through his skin. His hand is much too big to hold firmly in both of yours but you squeeze it and feel the sweat on his palms.

“Do you want me to be?” Afraid of you?  The unasked question is answered.

You don’t know where these words come from, out of your mouth like water running over smooth stone, but you relish the way his eyes go glassy and his full bottom lip thins. He looks down, hand pulling from yours to rub on top of his knees.

“Maybe.” His voice cracks. 

Your heart is in your throat, the chill of condensation drying on your bare skin making you shiver. You sit down across from him, plastic slats buckling beneath you. 

“I don’t know why . . . I just . . . feel safe.” When you’re around, you think. 

Maybe it's the way he reminds you of your father, silentium est aurum wrought in flesh, the kind of man who could tell you a story without saying a word. Now that you've seen Jaehyun with Johnny you can see that it's not that he doesn't talk. No, you think, he's always just been that way for you.

He looks up, a flash of white teeth and dimples appearing under his otherwise hollow cheekbones before both disappear again. 

“You don’t even know me,” he says. 

“What if . . . I wanted to?” 

He laughs softly, arms crossing as if to say he’s sizing you up. 

“I have questions.” You’re back to having to deliberately form the words in your mouth before you speak again, and your breath shudders in your chest. Surely his patience will run out, he’ll leave before you can get out what you need to say.

“Shoot.” Jaehyun says.

“You. You don’t have to answer.” If you don’t want to. 

You fix your eyes on his clothed shoulder. He’s in work coveralls again, the navy blue appearing black in the lowlight. You laugh silently when you see the name embroidered in red on white on his chest: Jeffrey. He doesn’t look like one, much less a Jeff.

“I . . . I want to know . . .”  You ball your fists in the rough towel wrapped around your knees. “Do you . . . Are you . . . ?"

You shake your head, eyes stinging. Each breath you're unable to speak feels like an agony.

“Would it be easier if we just went back to how we were last week? Pretend like we’re sitting on a bench?” He offers, surprising you. The anxiety attack that had been building in your chest dissolves. You nod, swallowing. 

You hear a creak as he lies down in the dark, hands reaching behind his head resting on the angled third of the chair. You follow suit, negotiating the sagging plastic slats and keeping your towel on, arms tight across your chest.

“Thank you,” you say, once the quiet returns.

“Hmm.” He assents.

You give it a little time, listening to his breathing deepen. 

“Why were you upset?” you ask. 

He doesn’t answer, and it takes awhile for you to realize he doesn’t intend to. 

“Was it something I did?”

“No.”

“Why are you here?”

Again, silence. Your mouth opens to ask another question but he speaks again, suddenly. “I was worried about you.” 

Warmth blooms in your chest. No one has ever been worried about you, or at least they hadn’t said so aloud since you were a child. 

“I know how to swim,” you chase away the feeling of vulnerability by scolding him, tone playful.

“We got you drunk.”

”Not that drunk,” you scoff.

“You were crying.”

That stops you in your tracks. 

“It . . . I was . . .”

“You were embarrassed.” Jaehyun says, flatly.

“Yes.” A sigh escapes you as you burrow into the chair.

“I know you better than you think I do.”

“I know,” you whisper. “I know. More.”

You can hear him roll onto his side, facing you. Your heart skips beats but you turn over, too, fists curled under your chin as you search for the side of his face, illuminated by the radiant blue light of the pool.

“Do you now?” He sounds humored, and it reminds you of the way Johnny had spoken to you before—as if privy to a secret you weren’t capable of understanding.

You feel your weak interrogation slipping away from you, so you circle back. “You have a car . . . Right?”

“Yes.” 

“Why . . . Why do you ride the bus?” 

You already know the answer but you need to hear it. 

He’d never boarded the same bus, and you’d never seen him get on one that arrived before yours. You’d even memorized his handwritten shift where it hung on the board above yours, knowing he should have been off hours ago. And still he’d been there, no matter the sudden change in Florida summer weather.

“To make sure you get home safely.”

He says it like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

You suck your breath in through your teeth, knees curling up to your chest. It feels like if you were to say the wrong thing right now you’d be breaking a magic spell. That this whole strange dream would collapse into a nightmare. But you have to ask.

“Do you . . .  Have you ever followed me home?” 

Jaehyun shifts further into the chair.

“Only when you walk.” There’s no shame in his tone, just what you think might be a little sadness. The pool's water feature sputters as you find your response.

“Does that frighten you?” he asks.

You shake your head, slowly.

It had been worse wondering if you were going crazy the first few times your instincts had screamed at you that you were being followed. 

A little paranoia didn’t hurt in the neighborhood you lived in, Lord knows the city had experienced a decline in the last decade that had made people harder. But for all your experiences avoiding intoxicated teens or even the one time you’d been mugged for the precious few quarters you carried, you’d never felt like this. 

You’d been on the other side of a bow and a gun before when your daddy taught you how to hunt, but you’d never felt like you could understand the creature in the crosshairs. 

Not until this.

Not until him.

The adrenaline high had persisted for hours after you’d made it home, like honeybees buzzing in your head. You’d stood in front of the window in your shared room, lights off so as not to disturb your roommate, staring down at the filthy alleyway below for signs of movement in the sodium orange streetlights. 

“No,” you say. You can’t tell him the rest, one of the things you’d locked away. You’d liked it. 

“Maybe . . . next time . . . drive me?”

You get up to leave before the echo of your question can fade. You don’t want to hear him say no. But he grabs your arm, still seated on the chair, touch warmer than before.

“I’m not going to be here much longer,” he says. “The job’s ending.”

“Oh.” Your heart sinks. Summer’s already over and the main school year starting again meant you wouldn't be working as much anyhow, maybe it was the same for him. But you'd grown used to the little match spark of excitement you'd get whenever he was around. It's only natural you'd miss it.

All good things come to an end, after all. You swallow the knot in your throat.

There’s one thing at least—if he’s gone you won’t feel bad asking him for another favor. Something not yourself makes you ask, hand floating in his grasp.

“Can I kiss you?” 

How you wished you could have asked that confidently, but at least there’s a power that you’re standing over him.

He nods, swallowing, gaze distant but soft. You lean in and his eyes close automatically, lashes brushing your nose. You tilt his chin up gently with both hands to kiss the smoothness of his cheek, smelling the shaving cream he must have used earlier—you know the kind, a green-and-white striped can. And then he tilts his face towards you, like a question. Your lips brush against his and it’s like clinging to a live power line. 

There’s the softness and warmth of his lips, but you can feel him fighting to stay still, mouth closed. You don’t know if he thought he’d get what he wanted coming down to the pool to watch you but you know he wasn’t expecting this, his toothpaste-mentholated breath stuttering against your chin when you pull away. 

“Did you like it?” Jaehyun asks, brows lowered in much-too-serious of an expression for not even kissing you in return. His pupils are dilated so wide in the dark you’re reminded of a nocturnal animal. 

You nod, gripping the towel around you and shivering despite the heat. 

“I need you to do something for me,” he says, voice low. 

“What?”

“Do you trust me?” 

Again, you're lost with regard to any double-meaning. His voice is so gentle and pleading you feel like there’s no artifice there. 

“Yes,” you say. 

“Go back to the room. Wait a few minutes after I leave to go up. If I see the night manager first I’ll take care of him.”

The way he says take care of him sends a chill up your spine, but then you remember you’re not starring in Mission: Impossible or another dumb television show, you’re just sneaking through the hotel after midnight with a coworker. 

“Okay. 310?”

“No, go back to 217,” he says, standing up. He’s not as tall as Johnny but he towers over you in a different way, posture naturally intimidating.

“See you there,” you say as he leaves. 

He doesn’t respond, disappearing out the glass doors to leave you dripping water down your legs and questioning everything that just happened. 

Curiosity gets to you and you go back to your room, finding it even worse than you’d left it. The world beyond the scratchy curtains paints a picture straight out of Genesis Chapter 6.

Though this side of the hotel is opposite of the ocean and the wind, water sluices down from the top of the building in waterfalls. The drained pool is already full again, violently overflowing in the outdoor lighting. The smell of mildew is everywhere, like a used sock stamping out a decaying joint.

The patio door’s weather stripping was no match for the elements outside and you shudder at the thought of all the first floor rooms that are experiencing the same. 

You take a few minutes to rinse the pool chemicals off your skin in the shower, liberally applying the cheap hotel soap while leaving the shampoo and conditioner untouched for the next guests. You’d brought your own but that, too, had been packed away. The room is as empty as if you’d never been there at all. 

You slip the Do Not Disturb sign on the door with the "Maid Welcome'' facing outward as you leave. No one will come to clean the room until you're off shift but you feel like it’s a secret signal, a code just in case you don’t come back.

The thought that you are playing a dangerous game doesn’t escape you. Your buzz had worn down from the swim and while you should be tired the thrill of being hunted down in the night just so you could plant a kiss on the predator's lips has your head electric. 

You’re nervous, but you’re not scared. The fact that Jaehyun likes you even after seeing you at your worst, hauling trash down hallways with sweat pouring down your face, gives you a fledgling feeling of hope. Like maybe in the gravitational shift that occurred tonight there’s a brighter path ahead.

He isn’t in 217, although your single suitcase is on the bed, along with Johnny. The older man's arm is flung over his face but the flatness of his belly is exposed in the yellow light, tattoos on his arms peeking out from under his short shirt sleeves. It's a strange sight to behold, him looking this vulnerable.

The more you watch him sleep the more you think how silly it was of Ruby to throw herself at him like a dog in heat. He’s a gentle giant, yes, and he’s got a childishness to him that makes him seem easy.  But all you see is another fortress, as tightly guarded as the one whose walls you ran up against in the basement grotto. 

Unlike Jaehyun, you think, Johnny doesn’t chase. He’s probably never needed to. 

You can’t pull a sheet up over him as he’s lying on it but the air is on the lowest setting and the power is still going to keep it kicking. You grab a blanket from the nearby closet, giving it a careful sniff before tucking him in. Johnny remains pacific, only moving to turn into the pillow once you've shut the light off next to the bed. 

After changing out of your wet swimsuit and into your junior college sweatshirt and athletic shorts you sit in one of the cushioned rattan chairs, tired but unable to sleep. 

The TV is back on with no volume, just the familiar black-and-white circular geometrics of a test pattern broadcast. The faint buzzing of the television is eventually surpassed by the hurricane outside, shrieking as the wind moves through small crevices. You’re not afraid of the dark, or the weather, but the oppressive smallness of the hotel room has you feeling like you’ll never leave. 

Within a half-an-hour, unable to stop your mind, you quietly set to work clearing empty bottles and stray pieces of paper. You make a game of picking up the room without waking the sleeping bear inside it. You even use one of the washcloths in the room to wipe down the surfaces, preparing it for the eventual exit of its inhabitants.

Why are you cleaning a hotel room in the middle of the night? The answer seems to lie in memories better left unseen, like the wriggling things under a rock turned over. Each bottle dumped out is a reminder of broken glass on mud-caked linoleum, the hum of the television just like flies buzzing in black blood. All of these horrors wiped away by your efforts.

One of the small luxuries afforded to you in this shit-labor job is combing through the personal belongings of people with more money than you. You know better than to move anything a millimeter but you've learned to observe an object's rightful place and where to return it to once you've cleaned, and your memory is a steel trap. 

It’s gotten to the point where you can feel a room: the occupants' hair, their skin, where they slept and what they ate, drank, and expelled out—none of it sacred. You’d stopped working in the smoking wing a few months ago not because you minded the smell but because you were tired of cleaning the remnants of cocaine and hash out of surfaces you didn’t even know could be used for the intake of either. The Gideon bibles were getting more use over there. 

You were happy to be stuck in the kiddie section vacuuming sand out of the low pile carpet, but sometimes you missed the allure of figuring out the people by their belongings. You used to look up their fashion in the magazines your roommates collected. Although you have only dreamt of wearing Chloe or Chanel you know how to recognize someone who can afford their clothing vs. someone gifted a knock-off. 

It’s why the more you observe the more you get a feel that something is off.

You’ve never seen Johnny or Jaehyun in street clothes but there aren’t any in this room besides replacement slacks and shirts for work, underwear and socks hanging off the back of the chairs. There’s a few well-tailored suits in the closet, big enough a fit you think they must be Johnny’s but some of them are in a color and the right fit for Jaehyun, the sizing of the shoulders on the hangers and the arm-length confirmation enough.

The bags when you lift them up are heavy, and not in the way clothes feel. But the thing that nags at you the most is the watch: an Omega Speedmaster on the desk, hidden beneath a pile of empty junk wrappers and scribbled notes. 

If you'd been back in your old life that would have been a tell not because it meant the person wearing it was rich but that they'd left it as a gamble to see if you stole and pawned it overnight. 

You don’t pick it up. As cheap as it might be to a higher clientele, the kind of money that could afford it would stay in a far better place than this. The idea that it was purchased by someone working for a hotel is a laughing-stock. 

It’s this nagging in the back of your mind that finds you carefully unzipping one of the bags, the most expensive one made of leather and weather-proofed canvas, movements timed to Johnny's deepest snores. You peer inside in the soft light of the bathroom overhead. What you find makes your mouth go dry and your pulse pick up. You close the bag as quietly as possible, unable to unsee what you’ve seen. 

You're in deeper than you thought. Puzzle pieces click into place as you watch the palm trees bend through the slats in the shutters, as lightning illuminates the room and its secrets.

And still, Jaehyun doesn't come back.

It’s like sleep-walking how you find yourself out of the room to head up the stairs to the third floor, remembering you’re only wearing socks when you feel the dampness in the carpet under the leaking stairwell window. If you stand there in the flickering fluorescent lights to gather your courage, no one has to know.

Room 310 is in Ruby’s section. You don’t spend much time up here anymore, unless you’re helping her finish her checkouts when she’s slammed. The air is heavy with cigarette smoke, the occasional cough of a guest beyond the dark wood doors speaking to whatever crimes you'd left them to.

Did you forget to knock? Or did you unlatch the lock on muscle memory, quietly slipping in and closing the door behind you?

There’s no lights on at all in the room, just darkness palpated by the exterior red lighting of the hotel sign flickering through the blinds. The only thing you can see as you walk in is a slim wedge of illumination from where the door of the adjoining room is ajar. You smell marijuana smoke and perfume, something floral.

He's not here. In fact the silence under the roar outside is overwhelming. Your gut tells you to turn and go but you’re unable to shy away from that open door, your curiosity getting the better of you.

The first thing you see when you peer into the suite is the utter disarray of the common area and dining room: multiple plates of the hotel’s subpar burgers and breakfasts only partially touched, cigarette butts floating in a half-empty carafe of what looks like lemonade but is probably separated orange juice.

A woman’s wardrobe has imploded far from the bedroom, shoes and lingerie on the floor. You note the leather-bound luggage on the couch and also the relative silence as you step around it, sure the occupants of the room either heard you and are in hiding or are down at the bar below, running up as much of a tab there as you are sure they have here.

And so you go deeper.

Not unexpectedly the glass dining room table is being used for coke, a rolled $20 bill next to where the drawn lines have disappeared. There’s jewelry and high-limit credit cards on every surface. A bouquet of burgundy roses wilts on the bar top, the water in the vase gone green. 

And then there are the bottles: all red wine, empty except for one that’s been knocked over, turning the green carpet black. There hadn’t been much left of the contents but the violence of the spill tells you it either fell or was thrown. The stain on one of the walls and a shattered wine glass confirm an altercation. 

The wrongness that you feel intensifies as you head towards the lit bedroom—not sure what you’ll find. 

The possibility of catching Jaehyun in a passionate tryst feels like it would be a thrill if purely on the basis of knowing he had it in him, but you're prepared for anything, and nothing. Quietly you steal to the doorway, hearing little over the rain. 

The first thing you notice in the bedroom is a man on the bed, his hairy legs akimbo, robe half-off. You're hit with a sudden rush of shame that you hadn’t even considered the suite was still occupied, that this might be off-limits. That's when you catch a glimpse of the bathroom beyond the bed, door wide open.

The woman’s leg hanging over the edge of the tub is unnaturally still.

You don’t need to move any closer to know. You know what a corpse looks like–the blood pooling in the feet until they're dark, the skin unnaturally mottled.

And still, you're pulled into the room, half-hypnotized with shock. The man on the bed is just as frozen in time, you realize, lips blue and parted beneath his mustache, a needle stuck in the meat of his arm like a flagpole. His chest doesn’t move. He isn’t ever waking up again. 

You should turn around and leave, right now. 

You should run.

Call an ambulance. Call the police. 

Instead you feel compelled to witness the horror before you, to see it face-to-face. You move to stand beside the large jacuzzi tub inset into the floor, eyes never leaving the manicured toenails and their perfect shade of flamingo pink.

Out from under the still water the woman’s eyes are half-lidded, mouth half-open, hair floating around her face. She’s fully nude. She looks like she might have been beautiful if not for the distortion of the water. The hand thrown over the edge (matching nails) drips, drips, drips onto the faux granite tile—reminding you of something. 

That’s when the corner of your vision goes black, wet leather slamming down over your mouth. 

Your first instinct is to scream, but that's killed by the gloved hand tight over your mouth. Instead you struggle, nails digging into the canvas-like cloth of the arm pinning your chest to the stranger behind you. 

“Shhh.” 

Your feet kick in the air as you're pulled up, heels fumbling against steel-toed work boots. 

"Quiet, quiet now," he says. You know that voice.

There’s a familiarity so inherent in the smell of mint and WD-40 that you stop struggling. You look beside you, muscles twitching under the wet grip. In your peripheral vision in the mirror you catch a glimpse of a dark blue jumpsuit, a pale profile tucked next to your ear. 

You freeze, panicked breaths escaping from your uncovered nose, mind unable to grasp on any plan of escape or comfort. 

“You weren’t supposed to see this,” Jaehyun says hoarsely. You don't need to see his expression to sense the excitement in his tone as he pins you in place to witness the body before you. “Don’t fight. Just listen.”

You relax, limp as a ragdoll.

“You remember the pelican?”

It takes what feels like an eternity for your brain to catch up with the reference, vision flashing red. 

The pelican, yes. 

Three months ago.

No one had known what to do when the large brown bird had flopped onto the pool deck, choking on a fish still attached to a length of fishing line, hook lodged in its throat. You'd watched the wretched thing as it managed to tangle itself further, upsetting chairs and smearing blood and feathers across the concrete. 

Maeve had ushered the screaming and crying kids playing unsupervised in the pool away on your order, and when you'd felt you were finally alone you'd used the net to knock it in the water and hold it down until it stopped fighting. Maeve had returned with Jaehyun, finding you as you pretended to fish the bird out, feigning disgust. 

As always, as before, as now, you’d felt nothing except maybe that it had been the right thing to do.

“They were already dead,“ Jaehyun says softly. His arm loosens slightly, letting you get air in your lungs, but he still holds you tight, body tense beneath the layers of clothes between you. “Think of this as the same. A mercy.”

When you don’t respond he runs his free hand soothingly up your side. You shudder, eyes closing, the dull black of the corpse’s gaze still burnt into your eyelids.

“They were bad people. Someone else would have gotten them eventually. Tortured them, made them suffer. You don’t like watching things suffer, do you?”

Tears leak from the corner of your eyes but you shake your head under his grip.

“It was painless for them.” He explains, more to himself than you, you think. His lips brush the back of your ear. “Do you understand me?”

You nod.

“I’m going to let you go if you can promise me that you won’t scream.”

You nod again.

His hand releases your face, dropping down to your throat, leather sliding across over-sensitive skin. You suck in a deep breath, expecting the worse. Within seconds you're back on the floor, unable to pull away from the loose hold he has on you.

“Are you . . . going to kill me?” You find it easier to ask the question when you aren’t facing him, as dampness trails over your throat. You jump as his other hand runs under your shirt, cool on your belly.

“Why would I do that?” 

“Keep me quiet,” you whisper. 

“I don’t need to,” he says.

His fingers drag across your ribs, coming to rest over your breastbone. You don’t have a bra on but it doesn’t feel sexual as much as comforting, leather warming with your skin. He holds it there, keeping you still, until your heartbeat slows. 

Drip. Drip.

Drip.

“Are you afraid of me now?”

“I . . . I don’t . . .” You clench your eyes shut tighter. “No.”

He pauses before pulling you closer, a second before you realize your knees are giving out.

“When I saw you with that bird I knew you were special,” he says into your neck. “You’re a smart girl. You know how to survive.”

You think there’s a little bit of a threat there but it’s hard to pay attention to as his lips press against your jaw, down to graze your pulse, brushing through beads of cold sweat drying on your skin. A whimper stays trapped in your throat, electricity arcing in your core. You feel soaked, well above where the heels of your socks rest against his boot tops. 

“Were they really bad?” you ask, as if you don't already know.

There’s no reason you should believe his answer, no reason at all. You have a moral sense even if you know it wouldn’t survive scrutiny, tarnished black as it is. You're just looking for empty reassurance, the guilt of not being able to do anything gnawing at you. 

“Yes.” There’s no hesitation in his answer. “You’ll see.”

“I won’t say anything,” you promise, eyes still closed. 

You wouldn’t even know who to tell, after all. Who would believe you?

“No, you won’t,” he assures. “They’ll find them. After the storm.”

Nausea creeps up the back of your throat at the thought of the bodies lying there for days, already decaying. The tremor in your body starts and grows more intense, uncontrollable shaking. It prompts him to pick you up, carrying you out and past the threshold in a damned reversal of a wedding night, placing you on one of the untouched beds in the adjacent room.

You're left to stare at the water-stained ceiling of 310 as he closes the doors between you and death, veiling you both in darkness. 

“I can’t sleep here,” you say, the words airy with adrenaline. It’s so much easier to speak not seeing his face, but you feel him watching in the faint light. 

He has the audacity to laugh. “You don't have to sleep here.”

The drip, drip, drip persists in your mind, lifeless faces floating in front of you. You won’t be able to stop thinking about them for the rest of your life. You’ll just have to store them in that hidden place you’d built when you were six and found your mother. She hadn’t had much of a face to remember her by then.

“Do you trust me?” 

It’s the second time he’s asked you tonight and the sea change that occurred in between has your head spinning, tears sliding down as you weep unconsciously. The tightness in your throat keeps you silent, so you nod instead. 

Jaehyun pulls you into a sitting position, making you look up at him. Even in the red, slatted light he looks no different than before. The kind of man you’d see in an advertisement or in a professional business photo, if it wasn’t for the eyes. Any gleam there has disappeared so that they’re shark-like, absorbing rather than reflecting.

"Go back to Johnny’s room,” he instructs. “Don't say anything about this to him.” 

You nod into his hand as it holds your face, relishing the way his fingers tighten on your chin as you feign control. 

“You’ll wait for me,” he says. 

An eternity passes as you search his expression and find no comfort there, but also no immediate threat.

"Wait for me." This time it's a plea.

“Yes,” you say, finally. Jaehyun pulls you up. Your body shakes but you manage to keep your footing. You're only off-balance when he drags you into another hold that has your face pressed into the zippered front of his coveralls, a leatherbound hand slipping over your hair to rest against your shoulder blades. 

“Good girl,” he soothes, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. You hate the way your body responds to the gesture, stoking the fire in your belly. You’d felt his response too, when he was holding you in the bathroom, and it both sickened and intrigued you. He wanted you, you think, possibly more in that moment than before.

If there was a God he’d be the only one to witness the smile that’s crimping your mouth. You smooth your face and pull away before the Devil can see it too. 

“What’s wrong, babydoll?” Johnny asks, voice thick with sleep.

You don’t know how you found your way back, to the room or from your fugue state. The clock on the radio has the hour well past three in the morning, your shift starts again in a scant four hours, and the tears won’t stop streaming down your face. 

You sit on the edge of the bed and finally inhale, but it’s like there's not enough oxygen in the room. You wish you could open a window. The panic attack hits.

Waves of repressed emotion come one by one—you imagine the Atlantic Ocean looks more peaceful torn into white surf by the storm. You can’t speak–you wouldn’t want to even if you could–but the breath in your lungs isn’t coming in deep enough. 

“There, there,” he says, sitting up to touch you. The contact of his hand on your shoulder startles you, making you wheeze even more. 

Johnny grabs a glass from the nightstand and rushes to the bathroom to rinse it out. You can hear the rattle of items on the counter as he knocks them around clumsily. You cover your eyes shut to focus on the whistle of the wind outside. 

One. Two. Three. Breathe in, breathe out. 

It’s not fear; it’s never been fear. Just an autonomic response outside of your control, exacerbated when anyone’s observed you. And so you’d made do with hiding, with learning how to disappear. Back in this shared hotel room there is no such shelter. 

“Drink,” Johnny says. 

You open your eyes to the smoky yellow-brown glass, seeing he’s dropped ice in it from what’s left in the bucket. Tap water here tastes like the subterranean swamp it’s piped up through and this is no different, bitter on your tongue once you’ve finished the glass. 

Johnny paces the room, turning the TV off, turning the radio on. You don’t know the song but it’s a welcome distraction, soft piano and strings floating over a full band.

“You don’t have to tell me what happened,” he says, kneeling in front of you. “But you can if you want to.”

You hiccup, face hot as you wipe the tears away. His strong but slender fingers take over yours, soothing you and you focus on that touch to ground you. A few minutes pass as your breathing slows, still shaky.

Would it be easier if you told him? If you tried to find the words? Would that put him in danger, too? All the adrenaline coursing through you has left you hollow, wiped clean. 

“Nothing. Bad. Not too bad,” you say, rolling the glass in hands that begin tingling as the shock wears off. Johnny takes it from you, wrapping you in the thin fleece of the blanket you’d tucked around him earlier in the night.

“Jae,” you say. That’s all that comes out. You've never called him that outside of what you’ve whispered in your mind, and your stomach rolls at the thought of what it means to know him better now.

"Listen to me," Johnny says, holding your arms. "You're gonna be alright."

You think you believe him, looking up into his warm brown eyes. They crinkle at the corner when he smiles genuinely, but there’s just the ghost of that now. It’s almost soothing to see him look worried but the cringing little voice in the back of your head tells you that he can’t really care–why would he care about little old you. 

"Tell me what happened," he says.

You shake your head, sniffling. 

“It’s alright,” he says. “You’re safe here.”

What's happening to you, you wonder? The more you look into his searching gaze, the more you want to wrap your arms around his neck. 

Maybe he'll wrap his arms around you, too? Wouldn't that feel nice? 

His hands drift down to your wrists, grasping the bones where your pulse beats through. You hope he doesn't feel the fear in you. The tremble there finally stops, but the urge to be held continues. You want him to swallow you up and never let you go.

"Hold me," you say. Johnny looks at you quizzically, mouth parted.

You try lifting your arms, but they feel heavy. You look down at the brace of his hands on yours where they rest in your lap, where your thin red shorts with their white lining meets your thighs, and you laugh.

You remind yourself that laughing isn’t appropriate right now, but you can feel the grin twist your mouth.

"It's gold. Cold." You reach to take off your socks, aware that they're wet and clinging to your feet. A giggle escapes you when you realize that you can't even do that, then at remembering how they got that way. It feels like a distant dream, something you saw in a movie that you couldn't remember right.

“Shh,” Johnny says, and that makes you laugh harder, holding your sides as he unrolls the tube socks from below your knees to reveal your unpainted toenails. You collapse on the bed, the room spinning.

“Just go to sleep, baby girl.”

“Good girl,” you correct, words slurring. “‘Mm a good girl.”

“Yes you are,” Johnny says, not without some exasperation, moving your body with an ease that makes you even more dizzy. He’s so big and strong, you think, watching his forearms flex as he brings you to the head of the bed and lays you down. 

He's held you, you think. Not him but him. You're falling fast away from that memory, just not fast enough.

The pillows beneath your head, the ones you know are yellow with nicotine-stained slobber beneath the thin cotton, have never felt so good. You feign sleep with eyes half open, the nightmare cocktail of anxiety keeping you from going fully unconscious. 

When the door of the room opens,  you imagine that Death himself has stepped in to help you go down.

The bed sinks beside you. You smell bleach and that pretty green Barbisol shaving cream from the skin you’d kissed earlier. Your right eyelid is opened by a calloused thumb lifting it to your eyebrow. 

"Y/N," he says. Oh, you think. That's your name. Not the one on a tag but the one written on your birth certificate.

You fight against the unwelcome rays of the wall light, weak as a milk-starved kitten. The hand on your face brushes across your cheek, cracking the salt stains from your previous tears.

“What did you do to her?”

Jaehyun’s voice sends a distant rush of terror through you, the feeling laced with a different kind of thrill you can’t place. 

“She was hysterical,” Johnny says, calmly. “I gave her a Quaalude.”

That’s it, you think. You’d heard about luding out, about disco biscuits. You weren't that much of a square. Like everything else you’d never tried it until today. 

Cuban rum, kissing a stalker, finding a stash of guns, drugs and money. Stumbling into a murder scene. Now roofies. You were certainly racking up an impressive list of Never Have I Ever failures. Very unsquarelike.

“You drugged her?!”

“I didn’t have—“

You feel the weight leaving the bed, hear the dull thud of skin against skin and the thump of a body against a wall. The scuffle is brief by the sounds of it. You know who won when Johnny speaks.

"Knock it off. You’re the one who got us into this mess, asshole.” You’ve never heard Johnny sound like that, the order carrying a credible threat.

“You’re the one who told her that room number like a fucking moron," Jaehyun says, voice level.

“If we’re talking unplanned variables your little obsession here is now threatening this entire op—"

“It’s done.”

"Done done? You got the bugs? Stashed the goods?"

"I know how to do my job."

"I don't know man. From over here it looks like you keep forgetting. What are we doing with her?"

"She won't talk."

"You don't know that. She wakes up, has a change of conscience. It's too risky."

"She trusts me." 

"You think that's reassuring?"

There's more shuffling of bodies and fabric, more quiet response from the shadow that keeps falling over you, adjusting the pillows and blankets, hot hand under your cheek as he makes sure you're on your side.

"Is that why you like her? Found yourself another headcase?" Johnny says, cracking a bottletop.

"Fuck off."

A bark of a laugh filters through the euphoria dissolving your consciousness. You can’t keep following the conversation, the quiet bickering drifting in and out, but you hear more words. Keep. Alibi. Timetable. Extraction. DEA. Useful. Honeypot. 

Maybe it's the Quaaludes but everything feels natural, like you'd fallen through that Twilight Zone door into a primetime television show. One where your storyline was written by more compelling and generous authors than the one who'd written your real life. No, your real life was a lot more gritty and a lot less glossy. A little Southern gothic, a little nightly news.

If you could choose you'd be in LA where they shoot all the pictures, with title cards to say they're set somewhere else. Of course there's a car chase intro complete with brassy music, a yellow font title card, and voice-over narration.

"Fresh co-ed Y/N is plunged into the seedy underbelly of Miami's South Beach, recruited by a federal vice squad to fight against drug kingpins and corrupt developers alike. Join us next week for an explosive pilot episode featuring special guest stars . . ."

You picture yourself like Angie Dickinson's character in Police Woman, respected by your peers, always ready to go into the lion's den undercover and trick the unsuspecting criminals into revealing their secrets. Every episode ending with you in a shootout, surviving by the skin of your teeth. The viewers are hooked weekly by the subtle flirtation with your partner, or maybe even your superior, a will-they-won't-they over the course of endless seasons. 

You're the biggest hit since color TV. That's not Farrah on the wall, that's you in your yellow swimsuit, smiling brightly. You never stop smiling, making sure to shine it into the cameras as Johnny Carson interviews you about your newest movie deal, which you ace without one stumble in your speech. The audience applauds. You're featured in all the magazines: the new face of Virginia Slims. You've come a long way, baby. 

No shark-jumping for you, you’re eternal.

You've come a long way.

next

[eli-elien]

I know I said thos on twt but god the fuckn urge to make a novel length fic abt c!techno's past like brrooo

Ok so my ideas would be introducing what his life is like rn as a wee lil lad of age 10 then blamo doing a Bruce Wayne and have his parents die

He tries and tries to find a family but isn't really accepted bc hes like idk thought of as a curse and is human hybrid so they're kinda iffy but some bastions will give some resources to survive better bc omg that is a child

He somehow finds his way to a portal and decides to just "leave this crummy dimension" best and worst decision ever made

Bc hes half human he isn't affected by the effects of turning into a zombie piglin so that's nice.

But lil like now 12 y/o techno is all "woah this is neat wtf is that bright yellow ball in the sky looks like something from my parents old books what?"

Anyways he wanders a bit and bc hes absolutely baby and doesn't know that like his world there are monsters and gets spooked by the darkness a spider and creeper cuz he's so used to those just those giant boars and fellow viloent piglins he doesn't know what to do so he just stays in a nicely lit cave near lava, something that hes familiar to (and can touch!)

He comes out of the cave and wanders around waving around his wooden sword. He comes across a village but just hides in the shadows bc hes so scared but ye.

Anyways hes there for awhile (maybe stealing some food) when he gets caught oh no! But a mysterious kid with a wooden mask and green cloak beats up the guard and help him run into the forest

They hangout alot until the two are 14/15 and go on their separate paths due to a pack of monster hunters chasing the two down-specifically the masked boy.

The path that techno leads now wasnt by choice and now he had to fight in an arena as a gladiator.

He escapes bloodily at 20 and is bleeding out

He then finds that hes in a pitch black void with a cheeky smug voice calling him forward

She tells him shes the blood god and if he becomes her avatar, her patron, her saint he can have another life and then another and another.

Hes afraid of death and what's beyond that and accepts

He finds himself at the same age as before as his life has now just passed him and hes on a pristine white dragon he now remembers naming him floof, and burning up a castle.

Then another flash and he wakes, now with pink hair instead of his brunette hair in a cozy cottage clearly in the heart of a forest.

And is now given soup from a kind blonde black winged stranger who introduces himself as philza craft and his son; Wilbur soot craft

[weaselin-g]

❝ ( george mackay, twenty-four, cismale ) hey, was that ARTHUR WEASLEY passing by? I didn’t think the PUREBLOOD was a student, but I’d recognize HIM anywhere. rumor has it they’re working as a MUGGLE HISTORY TEACHING ASSISTANT, so who knows what they’re doing here. they always reminded me of BAD MOON RISING BY CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL. I’ve also heard they’ve been recruited by THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. but despite all that I think they’re still ECCENTRIC, HONORABLE & OPTIMISTIC and A WORKAHOLIC, EMOTIONAL & COMPULSIVE. and the GRYFFINDOR alum still reminds me of mix-matched socks, cold cups of tea long forgotten while you work, sleepy smiles, a vast collection of vintage sweaters, quickly scribbled handwritten love letters, late nights with friends traded in for late night diaper changes . well, then, I guess some things never change. ❞

❝ Times like these, dark times, they do funny things to people. ❞

Q U I C K F I R E 

Full Name: Arthur Harfang Weasley Birthday/Star Sign: February 6th / Aquarius  Birthplace: Ottery St. Catchpole, Devon England Sexuality: Heterosexual but will kiss his homies good night Relationship Status: Engaged to Molly Prewett Wand: 14″ pear with dragon heartstring core and slightly swishy Patronus: Weasel Amortentia: Wildflowers, loose tea, the earth after it rains, cinnamon, dusty old book pages Boggart: Losing his family

H I S T O R Y 

     The weird youngest child energy is strong with this one. Arthur has two older brothers. They were all close as children, though Arthur could always sense some sort of confusion around his obsession with any and everything muggle from a young age. His childhood was one filled with constant happiness and warmth, unfortunately a rather rare occurence amongst the Sacred Twenty-Eight society he was raised in.

When he arrived at Hogwarts, the sorting hat barely had to graze his head before announcing him a Gryffindor. He flourished in school, the extroverted side of his personality finally clawing through to the surface. God bless any muggleborn student who was able to sit through Arthur constantly picking at their brain. While Arthur was a good student, he was no stranger to detention. He was the first to stand up for any of his friends when his fellow pureblood bullies came around. Many bat-bogey hex victims were sent to the infirmary at Arthur’s hands. While usually behavior like this would be any headmaster’s worst nightmare, Ablus Dumbledore isn’t like every other headmaster. Arthur’s loyalties to Dumbledore run deep and were sprung from the times that the headmaster sided with Arthur that kept his record cleaner than it should have been.

While his parents had made it clear the blood status of whoever he eventually fell in love with didn’t matter, there must have been a bit of pride when he fell head over heels for a fellow Sacred Twenty-Eight member. Arthur and Molly. Even a stranger would know they were made for each other. They began to date while in school, and to no surprise to any of their friends, they stayed together after graduation, if not stronger than before. As the world around him began to fall into uncertainity with whispers of a war brewing, Molly and the love they shared remained constant. After almost eight years of dating, Arthur finally popped the question last year.

After graduation, Arthur started a job as a research assistant in the Ministry. While he enjoyed working with muggle artefacts all day long, he was never fully satisfied. It was hard to feel like he was making a difference while cataloging all day. It was around this time, his old school headmaster made a reappearence in Arthur’s life. Recieving an invite from Dumbledore personally to join the ranks of the Order of the Phoenix was certainly a daunting moment in Arthur’s life; but with the growing list of muggleborn murders or disapperances, Arthur was constantly worried that one of his friend’s names would end up on one of those lists. The decision, though daunting, was easy for Arthur to make.

The offer of a posistion at Hogwarts College couldn’t have come at a better time, as a surprise guest in the form of William Weasley came into Molly and Arthur’s life a few months ago. With their wedding put off to the side in favor of focusing on their new jobs and family member, snide comments from other members of the Sacred Twenty-Eight about forced engagements and an illegitimate son that once fell on deaf ears begin to be heard.

[tatyana-dreaming]

Eugene Onegin: Finale Analysis

*apologies in advance for a LONG POST! any TYPOS! and also that the Russian has been latinized (is that what we say?)*

I have often read opinions and observations about the finale of Eugene Onegin along the lines of “there’s no new theme;” it’s “not as intense as the Letter scene;” it’s “anticlimactic...” etc. (those last two comments are found in Eugene Onegin: The Opera Lively Guide by Luiz Gazzola).

Clearly, these are just opinions and I’m not here to disprove anything... but I am here to retaliate with a whole lot of love for this particular 14 minutes of music so buckle up :) I’m going to try to mainly be objective here and just offer my observations/analysis. Maybe you’ll find some newfound appreciation along the way...and please pitch in if you have your own comments or have noticed things I haven’t necessarily picked up on!

Before we start, you may want to pull a recording of the finale (this one is my favorite of course), and potentially your favorite CD/recording of Eugene Onegin, if you want to listen along and compare. If I had more time and skills I would have done this for you in a video or added trimmed audio bits throughout this post but alas. Maybe one day! For now, enjoy these screencaps from the 2007 Carsen production at the Met with Fleming and Hvorostovsky.

1. Gazzola points this out in his book - and thank goodness, because I’m not sure I would have made the connection myself. The final scene opens with a motif that is more or less a repetition of Gremin’s theme (in rhythm, at the very least), “Lyubvi Vsye Rozrasti Pokorni/Love conquers all ages,’” foreshadowing Tatyana’s decision/steadfastness to the mature, stable love or contement, or whatever we want to call this - we can have an analysis of ‘love’ in Eugene Onegin in another post! Already I’m thinking back to the opening of the opera when Larina and Filipyevna sing in unison “Privichka svishe name dana, zamyena shchastiyu ona / Habit is sent us from above in place of happiness.” Tatyana’s mother used to read and dream like Tayana herself and was even in love, but eventually had to marry someone else and “became resigned and settled down.”

And as @lizlensky​ recently reminded me, of course Filipyevna did not get to marry for love either, not that Tatyana was really listening to her story. In fact, maybe I’m looking far into deeply, but it seems to me the strings underneath this “Gremin motif” at the opening of the finale and also when Tatyana eventually sings to that tune “Onegin, ya togda molozhe/Onegin, I was younger then”  are also mimicking the strings underneath Filipyevna when she sings the morning after the Letter Scene, explaining how her mind is getting older and reflecting upon her youth (I’m generalizing a bit - Tatyana certainly isn’t complaining about having an old brain but she is thinking of the past). Make of that what you will! But it gave me chills.

2. Oh no, I’m already getting ahead of myself though. Before Onegin even comes on the scene, we also hear what some call the “Fate motif” but what I prefer to call the “Dream motif” (if it is fate, why does it follow Tatyana all over dreamy Act I but disappears except for this tiny reminiscence? But of course, up for discussion as it’s the prelude/introduction to the opera, and it comes back when Yevgeni does, haunting her like a ghost, which I suppose is fate-y). Here it is again when Tatyana sings “Kak budto snova dyevochkoi ya stala/It’s as if I’m a young girl again” - which is then followed by what I might personally call the fate theme, since it foreshadows the anguish Tatyana will face when she is rejected in Act I, and before she rejects Onegin in Act III.

This is where I wish I had an audio clip but I think you know what I mean; it’s the really dramatic climax that comes right when Tatyana enters the stage in Scene 3 of Act III (before “Zdyez on, zdyes on, Yevgeni!”) and right before Onegin comes onstage in Act III, Scene 2. Or ha, maybe this is just “Onegin’s Arrival Theme” since there’s a similar kind of orchestral panic before he arrives in Act I (though of course, not in Scene 1 of Act III since it is Tatyana who enters rather than Onegin who was in the room already, at least in the productions I’ve seen.)

3. Okay, so now Onegin’s here, what does he have to say for himself? We hear a bit of the Onegin aria theme -  “Mechtam i godom nyet vazvrata, nye obnovlyu dushi moyei/Dreams and years cannot return, I cannot renew my soul!” as he (in some versions) falls to Tatyana’s feet, exclaiming “O, szhaltes, szhaltes nado mnoyu!/ Have mercy on me!”  Clearly has some srs regerts. But also perhaps Tchaikovsky foreshadowing what is to come... not only that we shouldn’t expect Tatyana to act with any less honor (or prudence/reason) towards Onegin as he did towards her in Act I, and that indeed she sings “proshlogo nye vorotit/you cannot bring back the past.”  I know I’m grinding a lot out of this particular moment, but... would you expect anything less from me? Or (thinks of Petya) HIM? :)

4. As Tatyana reminds Onegin how he rejected her and begins to question why he is suddenly in love with her now, we get to revisit some of the music from the Letter Scene - at least in the orchestra. Tatyana’s line differs slightly than her original melody in the Letter Scene when she sings “Togda, nye pravda li pustine, vdali ot suyetnoi molvi/There in that backwater, far from vain society” - and just so, as it is far from its dreamy, romantic parallel in her letter - “Y v eto samoye mgnovyenye ne ti li, miloye vidyenye/And in that very moment, wasn’t it you, beloved vision [...who whispered to me words of hope].” I find this throwback incredibly clever and gutwrenching, as I believe it’s clearly a bitter and ironic jab at the hope that Onegin crushed, even honorably as he did, and now the two of them have changed positions. Whose dreamy hopes (which are... questionable at best at the moment) are getting schooled now? Cmon’ Onegin, “learn to control yourself....”

5. Let me take a moment to admit and agree with many analyses/critics (although Tchaikovsky knows what he is doing, convince me otherwise) that Onegin is pretty fragmented and lacks a coherent theme, and certainly has no original “love theme” of his own to offer Tatyana  - after all, Onegin as a character, especially in the book, is pretty hollow, someone who isn’t so much a “self’ as a person who knows how to go through the motions of life... He’s intelligent but not creative, full of potential but lacking any real direction. (Ohhh I am going to cry because that’s so sad but also so relatable, but crying is coming up next so I’ll hold off). The opposite of Lensky’s “poet spirit” that lives life romantically, and is in love with life itself, seeing the infinite everywhere rather than seeing life so pessmistically (with the mask of pragmatism/”maturity”) as Onegin does, a mask that keeps Onegin from truly engaging with life or his own sense of self.

So as Onegin sings, we hear that lack of originality, though I will pull a Valery Gergiev here and say one “cannot be impartial” to Onegin’s music here (*clutches chest - that’s Tchaikovsky, even though I think it’s clear Onegin is not his fav) - Onegin may not be original, but there is no less truth or heartfelt emotion in what comes through. Luckily, Tatyana knows that it’s still not a good choice... he’s still not very substantial, at best, and at worst truly is only infatuated with her because of her reputation. It would mean ruin for her either way so :( (read: Anna Karenina) (here are some sad Onegin pictures just for fun because it’s all been Tatyana mainly but also: sorry this is Tatyana’s big moment so)

6. Time for tears! Do you hear a familiar theme when Tatyana sings “Ya plachu/I’m weeping?” It’s Lensky’s aria theme making a comeback- what!??! And particularly, the same melody as these two phrases, when Lensky sings: “Shto dyen gradushchi mnye gotovit/What does this day hold for me?” and perhaps more salient to this moment: “Pridyosh li, dveya krasoti, slezu prolit nad rannei urmoi/ Will you come, maiden, to shed a tear over my untimely urn?” Ahhh, I see what you did there, Petya.

But wait, Onegin hates crying! This isn’t explicitly in the opera of course, but Onegin in the novel all but tells Tatyana that her tears (as he rejects her) only vex him - another reason marriage would be a torment for them (not a bad reason and look, we always respected his honesty, right?). But now? I think it’s a crucial moment; it shows there has indeed been some development on Onegin’s part and uh oh, he’s actually in love (ironically in a very Lensky - that is, poetic - way)  even if it’s not for the best of reasons.

7. Fun (pain) pact: “Tak blizhko! [happiness was] so close!” is the only time Onegin and Tatyana sing together or are on the same page, so to say. Nice. (*cries*) The only other times people sing completely lined up together like this in this opera, choruses aside, are when:

Larina and Filipyevna sing “Privichka svishe name dana, zamyena shchastiyu ona /Habit is sent to us from above in place of happiness”  in the opening scene

Onegin and Lensky sing “Nye zasmeyatsa l nam, poka ne obagrilasa ruka, ne razoitis li polyubovno? Nyet... /Shouldn’t we burst out laughing, rather than staining our hands with blood, shouldn’t we part as friends? No...”  before the duel

Moments of truth. And mostly pain. :) Again, please chime in if there are others, I’m sure I’ve missed something.

8. Time for Tatyana to refuse! This is where I completely disagree that there is “no new major theme” in the Finale; Tatyana’s “rejection theme” holds its own in my books. Interestingly, it’s in D-flat major, just like the main themes in her Letter Scene (”Puskai pogibnu ya/Let me perish,” and “Kto ti? Moi angel/ Who are you? my [guardian] angel..” aka the descending/Russian 6th theme). Tatyana is just as earnest/decided/resigned* (yes, all three of those adjectives) in her decision in the finale as in the Letter Scene, so maybe that has something to do with it. (I always remember her words in the Letter scene: “Uvi, nye v silakh ya vladyet svoyei dushoi!/Alas, I am unable to subdue my soul!” but just like Onegin learning to be endeared by tears - she has indeed learned to subdue her soul, or perhaps she has simply matured and her priorities have changed. (And of course, who lectured her to subdue her soul in the first place, even though he meant well? Yours truly!)

*resigned might seem an interesting way to describe the Letter Scene, but don’t forget “No, tak i bit! Sudbo moyu otnine ya tebye vruchayu/So be it. Henceforth my fate belongs to you....”  I tend to interpret that as Tatyana actually taking her fate into her own hands and deciding to go all in with her decision, despite the words that seem to make her position passive. In the finale, she is ‘resigned’ in a similarly active manner - this is not a passive resignation. But I still would use the term resigned, if only to draw the parallel between Tatyana and her mother....  “I became resigned and settled down.”  And so she has, even if she has to struggle to push Onegin away from the settled life she has, loving him all the same.

And in comes some of my favorite music of all time - Onegin’s desperate, even malicious pleas and a good dose of mansplaining how Tatyana “can’t” abandon him, quoting back her letter. Extra ouch, because do you remember in Tatyana’s letter when she tells Onegin if he has any pity, “vi nye ostavite menya/you won’t abandon me.” And what does she have to beg him to do over and over until she finally runs offstage? “Ostav menya!/Leave me!” heheheheh *laugh-cries*  everything is fine.

9. And we’ve nearly reached the very end. Almost a year into listening to this particular piece of music and I only recently realized what was going on - yeah, I know. When things get really heated at the end and pain reaches a maximum, Tatyana sings “Gluboko v syerdsta pronikayet, yevo otchayanni priziv no, pil prestupni podaviv/His anguished cries penetrate my heart, but the fire of passion has been extinguished” (well, I’m still not quite sure on the ‘correct’ English translation but it doesn’t sound good for Yevgeni regardless...)

That melody in that last line calls us back to its twin sister at the end of Scene 1 in Act I when Onegin is talking about how bored he was with his uncle, waiting for him to die. So a) I hear this as Tatyana “ending things once and for all” (parallels between the death of Onegin’s uncle, and the death of their relationship), as well as possibly (again I read 10,000% too much into things) b) Tatyana realizing that Onegin’s words to her back in the garden were true - habit [routine] would kill their love; they would become bored (or at least he would). The passion would burn out.

Which brings us back to c) heaven sends us habit in place of happiness [=passion?]- which, OH, RIGHT, OF COURSE has the same rhythm of the aforementioned “boredom” theme and “the fire of passion has been extinguished.” But you all probably already realized that because oF COURSE.. that’s how the opera OPENS... and now how it is CLOSING... AHHHH!!!

I know I’m not original or anything for realizing that parallel, but yeah. I’m pretty happy about it.

Tchaikovsky is absolutely genius. Unbelievable. And paired with Pushkin? I’m not surprised I’ve clearly lost my mind over this masterpiece.

Anyways, this was an extremely long post but I hope you enjoyed it immensely, especially if you read this far!! Please chime in with your own comments! I LOVE THIS PIECE OF MUSIC!

[scottydonovans]

                                                 MEET SCOTTY

1. Full Name?

Scott Allan Donovan.

2. Preferred Names or Nicknames?

Scotty, Scotty Boy, Scotty-O (he thinks people call him the last two things but they don’t.)

3. What does their name mean? Does it have any significance in their family? Do they like their name?

According to a quick Google search, Scott means “person from Scotland” or “Gaelic speaker” and Allan (weirdly enough also Celtic, I’m shook) means “handsome, cheerful”. The name Scott has no significance in their family (his mom just had a thing for Scott Summers) but Allan is the name of his grandmother’s late husband RIP. Scotty likes his name for the most part. He just thinks the name Scott is too cool for someone like him, so he likes that his granny made the executive decision to add the -y in there.

4. Age and Date of Birth?

He is 17 years old and born on October 4, 2002.

5. Gender and Pronouns?

Cis Male. He/him.

6. Hometown?

He is from Ligonier, PA. 

7. Does your character fit into any well known archetypes or tropes?

No Social Skills, I Just Want a Friend. He’s impressionable! He’s hyperactive! He just wants to be loved and is tired of being bullied!

8. How long have they been at Broadripple?

Scotty has been at Broadripple since the start of the new school year.

9. What led them to apply to Broadripple? Was it a decision made by them or by their parents/guardians or somewhere in between?

His grandmother. She came into a lot of settlement money after getting injured at the local bowling alley and she decided to invest it in Scotty’s education. She knows he doesn’t have the easiest time at public school and is subject to a lot of bullying, so maybe a private school full of God-fearing kids will do just the trick. :)))))))))

10. Whether they’ve been at Broadripple four days or four years, do they enjoy it? Do they like Broadripple?

He does! So far, Scotty has no qualms about Broadripple. He just thinks the uniform feels really stuffy and the classes are way harder than his one brain cell can handle. Also, he doesn’t know how to tie a tie. But those are personal problems, he likes the school just fine!

11. What house are they in? Do they care very much about their house?

Keough. He doesn’t understand how the whole house thing works -- it feels like a Hogwarts thing without the cool hat process -- but he’s down for whatever if someone tells him he needs to dress in yellow and cheer really loud.

12. Who do they share a dorm with, or are they on their own for the moment? What are they like to live with? Are they clean or messy? Early risers or night owls?

Scott shares a dorm with Harlan Dupre and couldn’t be happier about it. He thinks Harlan is really nice and has super rad hair. Scott has a lot of nervous energy so he’s always moving and that doesn’t make him the easiest to live with. He’s aware of it though and he does his best to keep his antics to a minimum. He’s a messy boi but he doesn’t mean to be. He makes it a point to make sure his hurricane aftermath stays on his side. Scott is an early riser and a night owl, which is very weird. He functions on little to no sleep and it’s truly The Worst™ but he’s learned to live with it.

13. How is your character’s dorm decorated? Is it bare or bursting at the seems with personality? Any particular sentimental items from home?

Bursting with personality! Scotty has never been outside of Ligonier in his life, so to make sure he doesn’t miss it, he basically took most of the contents of his bedroom and brought it with him. On his wall, you’ll find an Empire Strikes Back poster, a retro Pac Man poster, a vintage X-Men comic poster signed by *Stan Lee, and several photos of himself and his grandma, himself and his grandma’s Bingo group, himself and the most voted Employee of the Month at their local grocery store, Merle. There’s a real cute photo strip of he and his grandma that they took last year at the fair stuck on there too. Closest to his pillow so he can look at every night before while he tries to sleep is a worn post card from Wyoming. It’s his prized possession. Yes, even more important to him than a vintage X-Men comic poster signed by the one and only, Stan Lee.

*It wasn’t signed by Stan Lee. His grandma signed it and told him it was though.

14. What is their favourite subject at school? Do they even have a favourite? Why?

Creative Writing because literally everything else is hard.

15. Are they involved in any clubs? Which ones?

Rock/Jazz Band - Scotty may be incompetent in most things but he is one hell of a drummer boy.

Broadripple Unsolved - Because he gets curious about a lot and asks about everything.  But honestly, he probably just saw Conny and Ezra sitting around with each other and was like hey dudes! and plopped himself down.

Sacristan Club - It was the first poster he saw on the notice board and the nun who explained it to him talked it up, so he was like okay! :) but he doesn’t know what’s going on and he’s just pretending and trying his best until someone tells him he can stop.

Cinema Club - Because Conny. And also it was the second poster he saw.

16. How does your character feel about Broadripple’s Unofficial Clubs? Do they know about them? Are they a part of any of them?

BBC - Doesn’t really understand them but he’s #terrified because they remind him of every bully who has ever duct taped him to a bathroom stall.

Broadripple Unsolved - Loves it, is part of it, would die for it.

Chastity Club - They told him they have cookies and he doesn’t know any better.

17. Does your character participate in any sports? If so, what made them join the team?

Not at the moment!

18. What afternoon activities does your character do? Do they just do the one mandatory one or are they involved in multiple? Why?

Seasonal Music Production! Just one! Because he didn’t know he could be involved in more!

19. Do they miss their home when they’re at Broadripple? Do they often go home for the weekends or do they only go home during holiday breaks?

Yes times 9 million. He misses his granny and all her Bingo friends and Merle from the local grocery store. They’re not well-off by any means and it took his grandmother coming into a large sum of money from an injury so they could even afford the next two years of his schooling at BA, so he’s definitely only going to go home during holiday breaks.

20. Did your character know Izzy De Santis or Maggie Monroe?

Nope. But he thinks it’s super Spooks McGooks that they just poof’d without explanation like that. He told his grandmother about it and she told him to keep his emergency scissors under his pillow.

21. Has your character heard of Edith Lynch? Do they know the story?

He and his Gran came across an article on Bing when they were looking up Broadripple and it put hella chills in his bones. But his grandmother assured him that it was a long time ago and that “people were different in the 80s”.

22. How does your character feel about Nighmore? Have they noticed the recently closed shops yet?

Scotty thinks Nighmore is really nice and he likes that no one seems to turn him away when he tries to talk to them. Yeah, he noticed it and was really :\ about it. He’s been trying to recreate his friendship with Merle the grocery man with someone from Hill’s Wholefoods and it kinda sucked that the dude just kapoof’d one day.

23. Have you made any aesthetic Pinterest boards/WeHeartIt collections for this character? Or playlists? Anything you would like to share!

Pinterest / Playlist / Musings / Schedule

[keeroo92]

Savior, Bloodstain, Hellfire, Shadow Ch14 (V x Reader)

Chapter 14 - The Weight of Truth

___________________________________________

June 6th, 8:28 am

You wake up slowly as V traces a pattern on your thigh, the sunlight peeking through the curtains in the tiny bedroom you had…

 Oh… oh my…

“You’re blushing, Y/N…” V mutters, only adding to your embarrassment as the memories of the night before fly through your mind, the sweet ache between your thighs only confirming the truth of your recollections of bliss. You turn over to face him, this wonderful man who had done such amazing things to your body last night, your tinted cheeks fully in his view.

“Good morning, my little fox. How do you feel?” he asks you gently.

Instead of answering him, you pull his face to meet yours for a tender kiss, your hands stroking his obsidian locks lovingly as you sigh against his full lips. He hums happily as you part, a smile gracing his mouth.

“I feel… amazing,” you finally answer and he chuckles wryly.

“Well, you definitely felt amazing last night… shall we try the shower?”

Your cheeks flush again at his reminder, but the thought of a shower distracts you from your embarrassment. The stickiness between your legs and the sweat on your skin scream to be cleansed and you nod, pulling back to sit up. V hands you a small towel and you smile gratefully at him as you wipe away the worst of the mess.

“Would you like me to join you or would you rather shower alone?” he asks kindly.

As much as the idea of sharing a shower with V thrills you, you need a few moments to yourself to process and think on what you had shared with him, get your thoughts in order before the pair of you had to continue your journey.

“Alone, this time,” you answer him shyly, smiling in an attempt to convey how much you’d enjoy him joining you in the future. He smirks and stands, reaching down to put his briefs back on before walking over to your side of the bed to offer you a hand up, a towel in his arms.

 Could he be any more perfect?

You take his hand and rise slowly, thighs only shaking for a moment before you stabilize. He wraps you in the towel, dropping a sweet kiss on your shoulder before you step away.

“I’ll go see if I can find some food,” he informs you as he leaves the room, still naked other than the briefs. You can’t help but grin, pleased by his comfort level around you. You find the bathroom easily enough, pausing only briefly to close the door behind you before dropping the towel on the counter. The knobs turn with a loud screech, water cascading from the showerhead shortly after. It takes a long time to warm, but eventually you step into the spray and close your eyes, enjoying the cleansing heat on your skin.

___________________________________________

In the kitchen, V opens and closes cupboards haphazardly, searching for some kind of recognizable food. He can feel an itch in his mind, like he’s forgotten something. He tries to ignore it, focusing on his task, but the sensation only grows more insistent until he can’t ignore it any longer. The itch resolves itself suddenly as he hears a voice in his head.

 Let me out, Shakespeare! We gotta talk.

 Griffon?!

 No shit, Sherlock. C’mon, lets chat.

He raises his hand and with a flick of his wrist, Griffon appears in a flash of black shards, sitting on the kitchen counter and staring him in the face.

“Oof, much better! It ain’t easy talking to ya from inside, I tell ya,” the mouthy bird says, fluffing his feathers.

“I didn’t know you even could,” V responds with a look of surprise still etched on his face.

“Yeah, neither did I till just now! Guess I just needed something important to say, is all,” the bird replies snarkily.

“And what would that be?” V asks.

Griffon seems to study him for a moment, his three irises taking in his state of undress and the sweat on his skin. The bird fluffs his feathers again before continuing.

“V… you gotta tell Y/N the truth. Maybe you’re too close to see it, but she needs to know. Not just half the story, but the whole shebang. Urizen, Vergil, your birth. The whole story,” he states emphatically.

V looks away, refusing to face the truth in his friend’s words. He busies himself by looking in a few more half-empty cupboards for something to eat, frowning deeply as Griffon continues to speak.

“Don’t you think she’s been through enough? She’s said it herself, she never wants to stand by and watch someone die again, and here you are forcing her to do just that,” he adds, watching V’s every movement as he opens yet more drawers with more force, his anger leaking out in waves.

“I… I can’t. She’ll not want me anymore,” the poet grinds out between his gritted teeth.

“That’s her choice to make, my friend. Don’t let your selfishness take that away from her, she deserves better and you know it,” Griffon concludes insistently before falling silent.

V shakes where he stands, mind filling with the knowledge that Griffon is right yet still refusing to accept it.

 There must be some other way, something I can tell her that won’t hurt her as much. I couldn’t bear it if she walked away from me now. I couldn’t bear yet another person leaving me behind.

A tear falls from his eye as he thinks of his mother and the night that changed his life forever.

He had been playing at the park a few blocks from home, pretending to be a mighty warrior like his father as he swung a stick from his perch on a mounted horse, envisioning himself commanding legions of mighty fighters in battle. At first, he hadn’t even been aware of the fire, the attack at his home. It wasn’t until an echoing crash had reached his ears that he looked toward his home where his twin brother and his mother were waiting for him, the first stirrings of fear coiling in his stomach.

It was on fire, flames licking the wooden structure hungrily. The upper floor was completely engulfed, the lower starting to catch as his terrified young eyes watched. Unbidden, his legs pumped as he ran toward his home, praying to find his family safe, outside, looking for him. He didn’t want to make them worry and ran as fast as his short, childish legs could carry him.

He could see in the front window now, see his mother screaming, the sounds being swallowed in the crackling flames as everything he ever knew was destroyed. He saw her fall, saw the heavy wooden beam pin her to the ground as demons closed in on her helpless form. He was still sprinting to the door when he saw a spray of blood, his mothers’ blood, coat what little glass was still in the shattered windowpane.

He had wailed, then. Screamed, fists beating the cobblestones at his feet as he began his cycle of self-torment for not being strong enough, not being fast enough to save her.

 I should have been there, should have been able to stop this, to save her! I’m such a failure, I’ll never be strong enough to protect that which I love!

Griffon’s voice brings V back to the present to find tears coating his cheeks, his chest heaving as he cries silently.

“V… If you don’t tell her soon, I will. But… she should hear it from you,” the demonic bird says gently, and V releases his hold on his friend, watching as his form dissolves into black shards and sinks back into his skin. He struggles to stifle his tears, wiping them away angrily and sniffling. He takes a deep breath, centering himself using a habit borne from years of self-control.

Only once he was calm did he allow himself to truly consider Griffon’s words, his stomach sinking and his heart clenching in fear as he realizes the simple truth.

 He’s right, she deserves the truth. She deserves the truth from me. As terrifying as it is, I have to tell her. Have to give her the chance to make her own decision. I can’t take away her freedom by denying her that much.

Griffon hums his approval from within V’s body and he directs his thoughts at the bird carefully.

 I will tell her. Give me time to find the right moment, let her hear it from me.

Griffon hums again in agreement, a low undercurrent of suspicion underlying the sensation and V knows the bird won’t wait forever. He sighs heavily, decision made. The weight of it settles on his lean shoulders as he opens the last few cabinets, finally finding some bags of chips and cookies.

He hears your footsteps approaching and stuffs his troubled thoughts down, hiding them away in a dark corner of his mind for now as you join him in the kitchen and wrap your warm arms around his bare torso from behind, the soft scent of the soap you had used easing his discomfort.

“Shower’s open, V,” you murmur into his back from where your head rests. He turns to face you, kissing the top of your head and giving you a quick hug before he steps away to clean himself, leaving you to forage.

___________________________________________

You can tell there’s something on V’s mind as you set out an hour later, bellies full and bodies clean. You take his hand like you did the day before, squeezing his fingers in a gesture of reassurance.

 Whatever is bothering him, I hope he lets me help.

You don’t speak as you follow him outside, beginning another long day of walking and fighting to advance every block. You make quick progress at first, nothing more difficult than a few Caina disturbing you and V as you progress. The residential area extends for over a mile, the houses clustered together like dandelions in a patch of grass. You occupy your mind with imagining who may have lived in the homes, picturing families and happy couples having summer barbecues on their small lawns, children playing as the parents enjoyed a beer over the grill. The vision reminds you of a cheesy TV movie, one of the ones that made it look like life could actually be that perfect if you were the right kind of person.

A cluster of the horrible husks brutally shatters your imaginings, two adults and a child crouching by the SUV parked in the driveway in a final embrace, an expression of the love they had for each other. Your heart clenches painfully at the sight, once again reminded of how lucky you were to be alive. You wipe your eyes, harshly scrubbing away any approaching tears that might threaten to spill as your empathy and compassion force you to imagine the terror those two had felt as they died, their child in their arms dying as they watched.

 How horrible, to be so powerless to save the person you love most in the world.

You try not to look, but periodically you spot more of the wretched husks, each time your heart breaking a little bit more. You sniffle and smother your sadness as best you can, but V has already noticed your shift in mood.

“Y/N, what is it? What’s wrong?” he asks you gently, concern apparent on his face in his furrowed brow as he walks on, cane clicking on the sidewalk with every other step.

You struggle uselessly to maintain your already questionable composure and as the silence stretches on, V turns you to face him, stopping to focus solely on your needs.

 We shouldn’t stop, not for this… we have to hurry.

He tilts your chin so you’re looking up into his emerald gaze and you hiccup as a sob threatens to burst through.

“Little fox, talk to me. What’s troubling you?” he insists, and your resolve cracks at his worried tone.

“It’s this whole stupid situation! I keep seeing these husks, what’s left of all these people, and I just… I can’t believe how much pain a single demon has caused, how many deaths Urizen has triggered with this idiotic plan. Why couldn’t he just have stayed in Hell? Why did he have to come here and ruin so many people’s lives?”

You step away from V as your sadness morphs into rage, the injustice of it all making bile rise in your throat and your head spin as you pace, shouting your wrath to the sky.

“We have to stop him, V, we can’t fail. This… this monster doesn’t deserve life, and its up to us to take it from him. We will end Urizen, I swear. No matter what it costs us. We have to, or all these people… they deserve justice, and we’re going to give it to them,” you pronounce, body shaking in rage as you ball your fists and grit your teeth, your anger obvious in your every motion as V listens quietly.

When you face him again, the look on his features shocks you into a stunned silence. He looks… agonized. Like something was physically hurting him. You pause, waiting for him to speak and respond to your fury.

“I understand, Y/N. I’m sorry that this has happened to you, that you’ve been pulled into my battle out of necessity. Maybe I shouldn’t have invited you to travel with me, should have insisted that you get out of the city…”

Your anger instantly deflates at his pained tone and you go to him, wrapping his slim, tattooed frame in your arms as you hold him close, pausing to choose your words carefully.

“I wish none of this had happened, that we had met under different circumstances,” you murmur into his vest. He lets out a small laugh, his arms coming up to rest on your shoulders.

“As do I, little fox,” he responds slowly. A few moments pass without motion, the two of you enjoying the feeling of being in each other’s arms. Finally, you pull away with a regretful smile.

“Sorry… we should keep moving,” you mutter apologetically, and V takes your hand as you resume your travels, giving your fingers a soft squeeze.

___________________________________________

V

Your boiling rage, your hatred of Urizen had made his stomach revolt, threatening him with his own breakfast. He had never seen you so angry, so filled with hate. He didn’t like it, seeing your face screwed up in an expression of fury, fists balled at your sides… He much preferred your happy smiles or quiet sighs from the night before.

Knowing it was his other half that caused such a reaction was the hardest blow.

 How can I possibly tell her that Urizen and I are two sides of the same coin? How could she possibly still accept me, care about me after she knows what I’ve done?

 You’d better not chicken out, Shakespeare.

V rolls his eyes in frustration, having momentarily forgotten the privacy of his very thoughts is no longer able to keep his doubts from his friends.

 Not my fault your thoughts are so damn loud…

V clenches his jaw, shoving his irritation away and focusing instead on the feeling of your soft hand in his, fingers intertwined. He strokes the back of your palm with his thumb, the contact soothing him.

 When you gonna tell her you love her?

V’s eyes go wide, his steps faltering as Griffon’s insistent voice pipes up yet again. He glances at you to see you looking at him curiously, and he shakes his head to indicate nothing’s wrong as his steps resume.

 I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 HA! Nice try, pal, but I can see your feelings now. You can’t hide it from me!

V carefully schools his features into an expression of calmness, inwardly groaning as Griffon’s raucous laughter echoes in the walls of his mind.

 Do I? Do I love her?

He tries to analyze his own feelings, searching for truth within his thoughts. Yet without any prior experience, he can’t be sure. He knows he cares a great deal for you, would put himself in harms way to keep you safe, but love? Was he even capable of feeling it?

 V, shut up. You’re in love.

He hears a roar of approval and a low rumble like rocks falling from a cliffside; Shadow and Nightmare affirming Griffon’s words, causing the bird to break out in laughter again.

 Even Nightmare knows it! The damn pile of rocks figured it out before you did, genius!

He can’t help but grunt a laugh out at that, slowly coming to see that Griffon is, once again, correct. The blue demon sends him a visual, of him preening and fluffing his feathers in pride, and a series of chuckles escapes his full lips.

“What’s so funny, V?” you ask him curiously.

“Ahhh… Griffon has figured out how to speak to me within my mind. He’s making some rather… inappropriate comments at the moment,” V responds slowly, enjoying your face gain a hue of pink as you blush at the idea.

“Oh. When did he figure that out?” you ask, eyes wide.

 Hey, it was her idea!

“He says he got the idea from you, Y/N,” V chortles out, amusement still prevalent on his face as he does his best to ignore the stream of images Griffon is sending him, most featuring him enjoying some pets from you and V watching with a scowl from nearby.

“Shit… sorry, V. I didn’t mean to give him any ideas,” you say apologetically and he can’t help but smile, his heart filling with tenderness as he comes to terms with his new understanding of what he feels for you.

“Not to worry, I’m sure he would have figured it out on his own eventually anyway,” the lean poet reassures you with a light squeeze of your fingers. Griffon sends him an image of those same fingers tangled in his hair, stroking it gently as he leaned down to kiss you, his naked form suspended above yours by one arm as his fingers brought you such enjoyment.

 Griffon, if you don’t behave yourself…

 What? What are ya going to do, huh?

 …I’ll think of something.

Griffon lets out another round of cawing laughter at V’s inability to imagine some form of consequence for his lewd behavior. V grits his teeth and sends back an image of chicken noodle soup, with Griffon as the main ingredient. He can feel a jolt of fear run through the bird’s consciousness and smirks to himself as Griffon settles down at last.

___________________________________________

You leave the residential area behind and enter a shopping district, windows displaying wares in every direction, bright banners flapping gently in the light breeze. The area is familiar to you; you once went on a shopping trip with some friends here and you smother the bittersweet memory harshly as you stride forward.

"Y/N."

You're startled from your thoughts as V speaks, drawing your attention to your surroundings to check for danger. The Qlipoth roots cast long shadows across the courtyard as the sunlight struggles its way through the clouds, making a pattern almost like shattered glass across the well-maintained landscaping. You spot the now familiar red webbing form a barrier between a shoe store and a French bakery as several demons start appearing yet again, but something is different this time. The air feels heavy, weighted. It reminds you of the atmosphere right before a thunderstorm, humid and dense with approaching chaos.

The demons themselves are ones you’ve yet to encounter. There’s three of them, two standing slightly behind the third as if in deference, holding heavy shields in front of their bodies. They look human at first glance, until you note the red lines pulsating across their intimidating armor. The metal looks thick and you wonder how your meager weapons can possibly do any damage against such heavy plating. You realize you won’t be able to help V win this fight and look to him in concern, hoping he’s up to it. The look of rage on his face makes you take a step back in shock; you’ve never seen him this angry. In fact, you’ve never seen him angry at all.

His arm pushes you behind him, as if to keep you hidden as he speaks, his cane outstretched as if in invitation.

“The vision of Christ that thou dost see, is my vision’s greatest enemy,” he intones heavily and all Hell breaks loose.

Griffon and Shadow spring from V’s cane, leaping and flapping into action. They attack, claws and teeth seeking blood. Griffon whoops as he flaps hard, and lightning strikes in a grid across the demons, hitting all of them. They barely seem to notice as they begin to advance. Shadow shifts into a spinning blade, cutting into the demonic knight on the left harshly as she spins into its body. Blood drips where her bladed body slices, the ground slowly turning red.

“Stay close to me, Y/N. These demons are too much for you,” V says softly, deftly stepping aside with you in tow as a huge blade strikes the ground where he was standing a moment prior. You nod, knowing the truth in his words. You shift with him, standing as close to him as you can as he stalks through the battlefield in a now familiar dance of death.

You try to track the movements of the demons, but the battle is too chaotic. Lightning bursts forth from Griffon, Shadow shifting into new forms as the demons advance and attack in a ballet of blood. It’s all you can do to stay by V’s side as he expertly conducts his symphony of summoned friends.

Griffon spits a ball of lightning at the feet of the nearest demon; as it hits the ground, it splits into two long streaks of electricity. They drift towards each other, meeting in a flash that nearly blinds you. The lead demon seems to barely glance at the bird as it advances toward you and V. It swings its massive sword at his head and he ducks, pulling you with him. You hear Shadow’s roar and she dashes back to you and V, dissolving into a black cloud as she slides beneath V’s feet. He tugs your arm, pulling you onto the cloud with him, and the pair of you ride Shadow to a less crowded corner of the field of battle in front of a clothing store, the windows occupied by stylish mannequins.

The moment you and V are out of the lead demon’s reach, Shadow reforms and runs back into the fray, her tail elongating and sweeping across the area knocking back the trio of demonic knights. She shifts again, into a form that reminds you of a Venus flytrap. Her… jaws? Close on one of the demons, and it stumbles back several paces. Shadow turns to the center demon, swiping at it with her massive paw before her neck elongates strangely, striking the demon again and again in an almost laughable approximation of a bitch slap. Griffon swoops by, spitting lightning at the demon and suddenly you feel V dart forward to land the killing blow, leaving you alone.

“Die,” he rumbles as his cane sinks into the demons chest. He pirouettes in midair, deftly wrenching his cane loose as the creature dissolves into black mist.

Your attention is so fully focused on V that you don’t notice the third demon approaching you, shield held up to cover its face. It draws its sword as V laughs darkly, landing on the pads of his feet after the graceful attack.

You feel a sharp pain in your right hip, and you let out a harsh scream as you fall to the blood-soaked ground. You instinctively raise an arm to shield your face as your landing knocks the breath from your lungs. Agony is all you know as you look up to see the demon raising its sword again, preparing to slice you in two.

[trinkets-and-spirits]

Seen you on my dash a few times and wanted to say hi and thought this was a good way so: 14: Name some people on tumblr you'd like to hang out with (if any) 25: Discribe the worst fashion choice you ever made. Feel free to discribe it in detail.

Crap, I just saw this. I got too into Naruto & furniture hunting. 😅

Thank you for deciding to drop in & say hi !! And thanks for the questions !! 😉

14:— Name some people from Tumblr that you’d love to hang out with. (Oof, I hoped someone would ask!)

Hmm, a few prominent names pop to mind immediately; who I tend to use as answers for most of these questions; but there’re one or two—whom I don’t actually interact w/ that much, but secretly admire them from afar, tbh. 😂

1:— @cheapymccheaps // I realised last night that I’ve known him for like, 3 fucking years. We met on fanfiction dot net; I’m pretty sure it was either on my own forum, or a…mutual acquaintance’s (eck) forum. :p He’s essentially my favourite person in existence & I will fuckin drop kick anyone who tries to attack him, bc he’s wholesome; kind; and can’t beat me in knife combat in RD2O—but somehow still fills me with terror when I see him respawning. 😂

2:— @deltanoid // D E L A D D Y. T H A T I S A L L. 

3:— @meek-minded-masochist // We don’t really talk that much; and I totally left him hanging on a RWBY RP acc that I…haven’t been on in ages, bc I’ve just been so dead inside, and I still feel bad about it. ; u ; But he’s a really wholesome person; and again—I will destroy anyone who attaccs. :’)

4:— @keepcalmandcarrieunderwood // Again, I don’t really interact w/ him bc I barely manage to focus on talking to two people at the same time, so any more & I’m just kinda…oh no. But his blog is fuckin’ amazing & I get way too hyped over his infamous Oreo hunt, and his dad vs bad advice moments. He just seems like a genuinely chill person & I love seeing any reference to him. His blog & posts are literally a huge light in my life; and I’d probs actually die of ‘oH MY GOD *squee*’ vibes, if I ever actually saw him IRL. I am weak.

5:— @slavicafire // Viper Queen, so precious and beautiful. ❤ Another person that I share minimal interaction w/ ; but her entire presence expresses radiance on my life, and her blog is full of informative & amazing topics. 😊 She’s an extremely vibrant soul, and I’m happy to have found her, tbh. c:

6:— @smolpocketmonstercoffee // I’ve always had pleasant interactions w/ them !! My…forgetful ass is punting the info of pronouns & names into the trash, and I’m so sorry, if you’re reading this!! ; - ; But I totally love any time we’ve chatted or had any interactions on tumblr; your blog is just. Y a s s s.

25:— Describe the worst fashion choice you’ve ever made. Feel free to describe it in detail. (O h n o)

Uhh. Yikes, the first thing that comes to mind is an outfit from 2017—when I made the horrific decision to wear an already short dress w/ a sweatshirt on top, because body dysmorphia was telling me that was the best thing to do. It was not; because not only was this dress very flowy & would blow up at the slightest breeze, but my sweatshirt actually hiked it up a lot more, somehow. 

I’m still uncertain on how; maybe bc the fabrics got clumped together under my shirt, but regardless—some boomers got a kick outta staring at my…lower quarters. Me being 15/16 & oblivious as fuck to how I could get the same effect that my present outfit had, without giving old fuckers a peep show; I wore that outfit multiple times, before I finally realised my mistakes around 2 months after I’d been wearing the outfit frequently. :’)) I now avoid short skirts at all costs, and only wear midi and maxi skirts, bc I just…clearly don’t know how to style ‘em. 😂😂 This was also around the time that I used to wear wedged heels everywhere; not platforms; w e d g e d heels. That was one of the worst mistakes ever—and my dyspraxia & chronic pains still hate me. :’))

Recently, I also made the decision to wear a plaid button-up beneath one of my tops; because I’d been seeing it on Tik Tok and Instagram w/ striped tops, and I really wanted to get in on the trend. It didn’t work out too well, tbh. It wasn’t bad; and I think it could have definitely worked—but my top looked way too chunky (not great w/ body dysmorphia) w/ the two layers; and I felt really uncomfortable the entire time. You know that feeling; when you put on too many socks, and your feet just become kinda numb, and you feel like you’re walking on a mix of clouds and jelly?? It was that; but my entire upper body. It wasn’t a hideous outfit, and it definitely looked fine to most people, but in my eyes…it was just really bad?? I wanna try it again; but w/ a thinner top beneath my outer top, bc I just. I can’t deal w/ that body dysmorphia rn. 

And then there were the terrible cosplay attempts. Jeez. But I’m honestly blanking a lot, conveniently, despite knowing I have tons of other terrible fashion choices; so I’m just gonna…leave my attempted answer there. 😅😂

[marculees]

50 Questions Tag

Catching up on my tags! Tagged by @sunshine-jaehyun and @pikachulein thank you <3

What takes up too much of your time? Thinking too much and making myself panic hahah

What makes your day better? Getting the early bus home from college while its still sunny outside and I can eat dinner with my family rather than alone at night

What’s the best thing to happen to you today? I can’t pick one particular thing but it was a nice day!

What fictional place would you like to go to? Neverland pls

Are you good at giving advice? I think only someone else can answer for me hahaha but I get asked for it a lot so maybe? Everyone likes to hear different things so it depends on the person >.<

Do you have a mental illness? No, I don’t think so anyway

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No but I have nightmares nearly every night lol

What musician inspired you the most? Kodaline <3

Have you ever fallen in love? I think love is a very strong word and while I have certainly had crushes, I’m not sure whether I’ve really experienced true love yet. I’ve recently gotten into a relationship though and I’m very soft for him so he could convince me otherwise if I try to be vulnerable enough, pls pray for me ;-; his moon is in my 8th house so i probably wont have a choice and just do it naturally oops

What’s your dream date? I have multiple ones: arcades/bowling/picnic in park/playing sports/homemade dinner/orchestra/petting farm or rescue shelter to play with the animals uwu

What do others notice about you? A lot of people point out my accent and ask where I’m from because they don’t believe I’m from my town (I sound ‘posh’ apparently dklshjvgv), they also make lots of comments on my figure and lips. In terms of personality, a lot of people point out my public speaking and contributions to class discussions or small conversations which has led to me getting very flustered but proud when pointed out :S

What’s an annoying habit you have? Turning down 99% of invites to go on nights-out/parties and then getting offended when not asked anymore lmao

Do you still talk to your first love? No, he’s a very different person now and so am I and there’s nothing wrong with that :)

How many exes do you have? 1

How many songs are in your playlist? I have multiple playlists that range from 10 - 700+ songs :’)

What instruments can you play? Tin whistle nearly everyone in Ireland can so I don’t really count it haha

What do you have the most pictures of? My cat lol

Where would you like to go before you die? Iceland to see the Northern Lights

What’s your Zodiac? Leo

Do you relate to it? In parts, yes. I have other signs for my other personal planets though, so no Leo stellium or anything

What is happiness to you? Acknowledging negatives but choosing to appreciate the small things in life more

Are you going through anything right now? Yes, I think we all are! Please know that there are so many people out there who can help you and we’ve all got each other here <3

What’s the worst decision you ever made? Being nice to people who didn’t give me the same treatment oof

What’s your favourite store? Toy shops! I always feel happy in them c:

What’s your opinion on abortion? If you don’t want one, don’t have one but don’t stop someone else who does or needs one. Its none of your business so fck off -.-

Do you keep a bucket list? I do actually

Do you have a favourite album? Politics of Living - Kodaline

What do you want for your birthday? Headphones or money. Its depending on what news I am yet to have confirmed with me...

What are most people’s first impressions of you? Again, everyone assumes I’m posh? In school I was considered “smart, quiet and nice”. Now in college, a lot of people have said I come across as confident and outgoing shkdvjkgvjk so identity crisis much?

What age do you seem according to most people? Appearance - 12 y/o and personality - 5 y/o

Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? On my dresser

What word to you say the most? “Grand”, “lads“, “f*ck”

What’s the oldest age you would date? I’m turning 20 in August so like...22/23? I have a big worry about being looking really young compared to my partner and people thinking they’re my older brother/babysitter/dad :L

What’s the youngest age you would date? A year younger but that’s it, otherwise I feel like a creep lmao

What job/career do most people say would suit you? Either teaching or something to do with activism and politics. People also say therapist but I get frustrated with overly negative/lazy people far too easily and I’d probably snap, I’m really sorry :(

What’s your favourite music genre? I listen to a bit of everything but rock has a special place in my heart <3

If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? It has its flaws but I’d still pick Ireland. However, I really wanted to do a study abroad in Canada next year so if I had enough money I could have lived there for a year dkvhdklhdkv

What is your current favourite song? Ready - Kodaline

How long have you had this blog for? 2 or 3 years, I think?

What are you excited for? A possible seaside holiday with my family and best friend, starting pole fitness class next week, and seeing my bf this weekend ^-^

Are you a better talker or listener? Talker, I think. I love public speaking and I get many compliments for it! I’d love to inspire people through my words and presence *-*

What is the last productive thing you did? Scrolling through job listings and realising how unqualified I am >.<

What do you want for Christmas? Video games

What class do you get the best grades in? It was sociology and then I dropped it this year which was probably a mistake lol I still get firsts (A’s) in my international development modules though and this semester was definitely an improvement in my business modules!

On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? Like a 7?

What can you see yourself doing in ten years? Hopefully an author or entrepreneur who is inspiring young people to chase their own dreams and not let anybody tell them they can’t <3

When did you get your first heartbreak? 14 maybe? I was actually relieved when I broke up with my ex (17) but I felt like sh*t when a crush said they liked me back and then asked if they could date my friend instead, when I was 14 lol

What age do you want to get married? At the very least 28 but there isn’t any rush and idk if I want to anyway because tbh I just want the whole cute dressing-up and ceremony with loved ones and softness oops buuuut people just keep asking if you’re gonna have kids after and its like pls stfu :))))))

What career did you want to have as a child? Ballerina and a bodybuilder simulataneously O.o

What do you crave right now? A cuddle and kiss on my cheek from a certain someone <3

I’ll tag @happysmilebtr @wouldujae @im-mei @youmademydawnh @castielsinwhite @9empo @smittenbyschmidt and anyone else who would like to do it!

[ageofultron]

50 questions            

thank you @james-bucks for tagging me!!

1. What takes up too much of your time?

overthinking lol

2. What makes your day better?

coming back from college and chilling/watching a show or movie

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today?

uhhhh nothing that good

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

the avengers compound and hogwarts!!!!!

5. Are you good at giving advice?

depends on the subject

6. Do you have any mental illness?

so far i haven’t been diagnosed

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

nope

8. What musician inspired you the most?

no one really

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

only with fictional characters and celebrities almost twice my age

10. What’s your dream date?

cozy and at home watching movies or shows tbh

11. What do others notice about you?

idk i should ask others....

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

don’t have any i’m perfect

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

whomst

14. How many exes do you have?

z e r o

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

like 200 or less

16. What instruments can you play?

like,, a lil bit of guitar

17. What do you have the most pictures of?

my dog? my friends and i?

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

bitch i wanna go everywhere. if i had to choose one place it’d be london

19. What is your zodiac?

aries

20. Do you relate to it?

not 100%

21. What is happiness to you?

accepting myself and getting to do the things i want

22. Are you going through anything right now?

a crisis bc i feel like i don’t like what i’m studying anymore and want to study something completely different but i’ve come too far to just drop out now

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made?

caring about ppl who don’t care about me and being sad about it

24. What’s your favorite store?

i don’t have one

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

hell y e a h it’s human rights bitch

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

nope

27. Do you have a favorite album?

nope (do soundtracks count?)

28. What do you want for your birthday?

all da cash

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

probably that i’m a bitch?? bc of my face? i should ask someone

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

a bit older than 21

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

on my nightstand

32. What word do you say the most?

i curse a lot

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

36/37 (that’s not how old sebastian stan and chris evans are. not at all)

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

23

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

translating/english teacher

36. What’s your favorite music genre?

don’t have a fav genre i listen to a bunch of mixed stuff lol

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

england

38. What is your current favorite song?

come and get your love

39. How long have you had this blog for?

since august 2018

40. What are you excited for?

unfortunately nothing atm

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

listener, unless i feel really comfortable then i can talk a lot as well (same lysa!! i’m keeping your answer lol)

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

uhhh i walked my dog??? lol i haven’t been productive at all for like the past half a year :’)

43. What do you want for christmas?

chris evans under the mistletoe

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

in high school definitely english/spanish

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

7/10

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

i wanna travel so fucking bad so i hope i can get to do that and hopefully i won’t be living in this country

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

never

48. What age do you want to get married?

29 or early 30s

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

obstetrician skjfjskjwe

50. What do you crave right now?

fries, chocolate, a good cuddle, holidays

tagging: @awstark @soldierwinters @maximoffwandas @evepolastrl @tonxstarkx @spideyjlaw

[simxiety]

[ loner | family oriented | lazy ]

GET TO KNOW ME TAG why r there so many questions </3

@viiavi​ tagged me(and mayb someone else??? i dont know tumblr notifs are awful)

uhhhmmm i tag @ratboysims​ @felicitum​ @bullsim​ @keysims​ @bratsims​ and uhhmmmmm any1 else that wants to do it just say i tag u

also here’s a bad edit of my simselfs outfit its cute and basically what i wear everyday gotta wear those nikes get some good ass arch support u feel me

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? byrd

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? byrdie, b

3. BIRTHDAY? june 3rd babey

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? harry potter

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? ye s

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? i dont think i have one. picking faves for literature has always been hard for me

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? i listen 2 podcasts

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? ummm dark chocolate or mango

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? awesome

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? thank you next look its a good song ok

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? ridiculous but how my mom says it like a harry potter spell

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO? ummmm something by halsey i think

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? im binge watching greys anatomy so that i guess but also my fave show of all time stargate

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? moana

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? yea

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? failure

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? i give good cuddles

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? i have no patience and i worry too much

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? yes(dogs)

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? fall

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? yes! we’re getting married next october :-)

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? no responsibilities!!! no bills!!!! also my moms cooking

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? her name is lauren but also my fiance and my dog

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? dark green

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? brown

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? my fam, my fiance, my dogs, my close friends

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? my fiance 100%

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? my parents i worry about their health and also my sister bc she’s in a new relationship

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? my sisters dog just had puppies so im excited to see them

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm rn sims

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? probably rugrats and also x files

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? my dad

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? hell yes big time

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? well i still cant drive so like. driving i guess

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT?uhhh behind i hate when others take pics of me lol

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? writing and simblr i guess

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? actually i think it was the adventure zone graphic novel does that count

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? the crimes of grindelwald

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? i can sing

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? owls

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? i feel like im on the spot ummmmm @felicitum @keysims @smart--milk @surreysimmer @hesitantpixels

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? u ever seen heroes? remember how peter was like a sponge well i wish i could do that but with like, normal knowledge/skills. like if i met someone who was a carpenter or dr i could shake their hand and i knew everything they did about that and could learn new languages that way too. i wanna b a sponge

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? in my bed w my fiance and dogs in a cuddle pile

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? when we ask blu if she’s a sleepy baby and she tilts her head

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? none bitch

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? water all day every day im a camel hi

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? uhhh probably recently at work

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? as i get older yes

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? when people talk down to me because of my identity or age

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? yea!! the last one we went to was p!nk im pretty sure

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? no

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a cardiologist

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? hmmmmmmmm probs harry potter tbh

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? money!!!!

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? yes and no

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? yup!!! i dont sing as often as i used to tho its sad

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? no

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? i really love big bear and catalina island

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? doesnt really matter as long as its not a big city and relatively close to family

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? we have 2 doggos

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? tbh i am a mix of both now, tho i used to be a night owl

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? sunset

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? no :-)

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? earbuds sometimes headphones hurt my ears esp bc i always wear glasses

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? yes and im getting war flashbacks

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? pretty much anything besides hardcore rap, country, and religious music, also nothing too poppy

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? probs my mama

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? ye

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? when they only brew decaf at work

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? both

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? i really loved english

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? i have two brothers and two sisters

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? flowers for my mother in law

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5′7″

75. CAN YOU COOK? yes

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? coffee, purple flowers, the lil potbellies that all puppies have

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? decaf coffee, peas, when people say my name wrong

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? uhhh i guess just bc thats who im around more

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? gay af my dudes

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? i live in southern california

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? my mom i think

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? a while ago 

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? garrett watts is fun

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? sure

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? digit it saves me money

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? im super close with my parents and relatively close w my fiances parents as well

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? hmmm probs middle eastern

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? seattle

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 3

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? lmao no

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? not really

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OR THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? both but i tend to lean more towards the ocean

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? not at all im a chicken

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? nope

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? y...es

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? n o?

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? when i am wrong lol i dont care too much about being right

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? forest 100%

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? trust your instincts

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? yes

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? hufflepuff

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? sometimes

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? v big introvert

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? no

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? kind of

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? pick it up and return it to its owner

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? yes but they have to believe in it too

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? yes but u cant tell nobody knows ok thanks

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? yeah they’re cool

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? my ears and my septum

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? sam carter from stargate shes smart

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? yeah i have 10 i think

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? opening up to people

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? 110% yes

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? glasses

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? yeah i want 5 but i dont think i can afford that many someone start a gofundme for my future babeys

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? my best friend

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? i told my middle school crush that i liked her and then she told everyone and thats the story of how i repressed me sexuality until i was 20

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? many times

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? black

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? yes but carefully planned and well thought out adventures where i have a checklist and a binder of all the information i need listen i am v anxious everything is scary

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? when i was a baby i was on the news lmao

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 25

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? to thine own self be true wow super lame and cliche thanks im tired is this done yet

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? savory i dont have much of a sweet tooth

[niktizzy]

*~feeling nostalgic for myspace surveys~* 

1) Sexuality?

Straight

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

This is probably a lame answer but, I think Gronk would be cool to hang with

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

So this is embarrassing, I don’t have any books upstairs yet 

4) What do you think about most?

Work, money, why do people make noise when their running away from a killer in a horror movie or run upstairs

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Aye can you order me 2 chicken tacos “

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Depends on my mood and what season it is lol

7) What’s your strangest talent?

I have a rather good green thumb

8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)

Girls are beautiful 

Boys are back in town

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Not that I know of

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Probably a year or so, I really want to dive back into it though

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

I just like to have things clean and not cluttered but my car and room are a bit messy lol 

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

I have a hoop in my nose

13) What’s your religion?

I guess like a Christian? Idk, I have my own beliefs

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Working 

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind it 100% 

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Oof, at the moment, either Belmont or Trash Boat. All time has to be either Neck Deep or Blink

17) What was the last lie you told?

I’m fine

18) Do you believe in karma?

A B S O L U T L E Y 

19) What does your URL mean?

Nothing really, just my screen name, which is my wanna be rap name lol

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Very trusting is my weakness. My greatest strength is honestly keeping up walls and head strong

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Michael B. Jordan

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Lol a lonnnnng time ago

23) How do you vent your anger?

I usually just bottle it up or I talk to my dad

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

I use to collect snow globs but now I seem to just collect house stuff lol. I want to start collecting dvds or like plants? Idk lol

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

I love talking on the phone tbh

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

So far, yes. I am proud of the person I have become but I’m still growing

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

VELCRO I HATE THAT SOUND. Waves crashing and thunderstorms are my go to sounds

28) What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I never went to college and just got experience 

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Spirits and yes, absolutely 

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

My coffee and nothing I’m on my couch haha

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?

This amazing candle from yankee candle

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

Toledo lol nah but really

33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Thousand Below’s singer is hot af

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

I have a multiple of ideals, we are born to die is one. The other is to go through life and learning and developing different ways to survive so in the next life, you have a better transition. But again, who knows  

36) Define Art.

Something you feel 

37) Do you believe in luck?

Yes

38) What’s the weather like right now?

FREEZING COLD

39) What time is it?

12:40pm

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I do, when I was like 17. I was going 5mph, women ran a red light, boom

41) What was the last book you read?

The Amityville Horror

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Love it

43) Do you have any nicknames?

Nik

44) What was the last movie you saw?

Halloweentown

45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Any of my broken bones lol

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Not really

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Finding horror movie posters lol

48) What’s your sexual orientation?

Heterosexual 

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Oh yeah lol

50) Do you believe in magic?

I honestly do 

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Sadly I do

52) What is your astrological sign?

Libra

53) Do you save money or spend it?

Save it, I only go to work and pay bills and get food

54) What’s the last thing you purchased?

Groceries 

55) Love or lust?

We are all hoping for love and we usually get lust lol

56) In a relationship?

Nah

57) How many relationships have you had?

Real ones? A handful 

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Nope lol

59) Where were you yesterday?

I was at work all day 

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Nope

61) Are you wearing socks right now?

No

62) What’s your favorite animal?

The hammer head shark

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I tried flirting, but I think just being relatable or being myself

64) Where is your best friend?

Lauren

65) Spit or swallow?(;

Neither

66) What is your heritage?

Native American and Irish 

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Sleeping, I was OUT

68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?

I feel like he doesn’t have one, it’s kind of like Cher 

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

No one else is going to do it lol

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

I mean yeah, I think I’m pretty cool

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Grab the dog and take him to work with me, it’s like a doctors slip but you know, it’s a dog

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) I wouldn’t tell anyone

b) I would continue living but spend more time with people that matter and just make sure everything and everyone is taken care of

73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Love

74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Gold Steps- Neck Deep or Faithfully- Journey

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

****

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

What makes things work is having similar interest. Most of my relationships were just awful because they were either wayyy into left field with my interest or didn’t even have the same ones all together. I think you need to be each others best friends, be able to be comfortable with each others company 

77) How can I win your heart?

Tacos, beer, horror movies, sports

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

All signs point to yes

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Putting myself before anyone else

80) What size shoes do you wear?

Depends on the shoe, most of the time 9.5

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Believe with UFO’s on it

82) What is your favorite word?

Cowabunga 

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

A bloody mess that keeps you alive in your chest cavity 

84) What is a saying you say a lot?

Honestly, literally, fook, fuck, dude

85) What’s the last song you listened to?

I was listening to this playlist https://open.spotify.com/user/spotify/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX3MU5XUozve7?si=SS24TA9sTG6L5bFZ8W_feQ

86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

If you look in my closet it’s mostly black, gray, and maroon. I’m trying to like mustard but eh 

87) What is your current desktop picture?

Desert 

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Someone from my past

89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Why do you were a mask every time you step out of your house?

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Keep the light on because it’s obviously a full moon and they live from the moon light and try to find an exit quietly 

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Jumper aka teleportation 

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Warped tour 2011

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

No comment

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

OOOOF probably Winston McCall 

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Australia 

96) Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not that I know of

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Not that I remember

98) Ever been on a plane?

Yes only 2 times

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, MIND YA BUSINESS AND GRIND 

[rmwithluv]

50 questions! my lovely wifey ( @moonojoon keeps me active i swe- kajsjsjsjsjdkx ilysm! )

1. what takes up too much of your time?

haaa college honestly.

2. what makes your day better?

puppets, frands, food, youtube

3. what’s the best thing to happen to you today?

i woke tf up lol

4. what fictional place would you like to go to?

hogwarts duh! im a wizard bitch

5. are you good at giving advice?

i’ve been told i am but honestly some times ya girl has no idea whattt tf she’s saying

6. do you have any mental illness?

i’ve struggles with mental illnesses and i think at times they can come back and bite ya so atm life is grand my friend.

7. have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

BITCH YES! twice in the same day actually lmao, small story time, the first two times were at school lmao i was sleeping in the hallway and although i was scared all i could think was, “holy shit if my friends see me like this they’re gonna think i’m weird asf” and then a couple hours later after an exam i was resting and it happened. the final time (dear god pls don’t let it happen again) i legit saw shadow people and felt freaked tf out. okay bye

8. what musician inspired you the most?

honestlyyyyy there’s so many but rn i can honestly say normani

9. have you ever fallen in love?

hahahahaha yes. the first one hurt like hell and i’m currently falling over and over again :)

10. what’s your dream date?

a picnic with beautiful cheeses, breads, sandwiches, snacks, ohhhh yaaaasss

11. what do others notice about you?

usually it’s my figure or my ass lol

12. what is an annoying habit you have?

procrastinating, overthinking, and eating ice

13. do you still talk to your first love?

yesss, he’s my best friend

14. how many exe’s do you have?

i always get confused with this bc i’ve had flings, lovers, and many more soooo yeh

15. how many songs are in your playlist?

i have over 18 playlists sooooo?

16. what instruments can you play?

noneeeee

17. what do you have the most pictures of?

myself bc im that bitch (i swear i’m not this confident lmao) memes, my friends, family, a certain wang, and ofc bts

18. where would you like to go before you die?

europeee!

19. what is your zodiac sign?

pisces (no wonder my wife and i get along so well)

20. do you relate to it?

h e l l y e a h

21. what is happiness to you?

being able to say i’ve had a rough week but i’m able to sit here and continue on honestly. life sucks ass sometimes but knowing i’m stronger than the obstacles ahead of me is happiness.

22. are you going through anything right now?

n o p e!

23. what’s the worst business decision you ever made?

not dropping my psychology class first semester & honestly me with money is just eh but i’m getting better!

24. what’s your favorite store?

bookstores, cafe’s, target, and ofc 3rd street promenade

25. what’s your opinion on abortion?

im pro-life buttt at the same time having a child isn’t easy and you never know what someone’s going through so ultimately i’m pro-life but it’s your body! do what’s best for you.

26. do you keep a bucket list?

yes actually! my lover made me make one bc he wants to take me to all the places i’ve never been :)

27. do you have a favorite album?

sweetener, anything one direction (basic i know, ed sheeran’s +, and many many more.

28. what do you want for your birthday?

if i could see my all of my lovely friends on here, trust me i’d take that in a second!

29. what are most peoples first impression of you?

scary, pretty bitch, bitchy and intimidating.

30. what age do you seem according to most?

honestly it depends on what i look like, some days ppl think i’m like 14? and others they think i’m my age.

31. where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

right next to me.

32. what word do you say the most?

love that for me/you/them (wait is dat a phrase?) whet, uwu, nuuu, i luh u

33. what’s the oldest age you would date?

21!

34. what’s the youngest you’d date?

18!

35. what job/career do most people say would fit you?

model (psh i’m short asf) or actress

36. what’s your favorite music genre?

music in general

37. if you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

i enjoy where i’m at but i’d love to live in any part of europe for a year or two

38. what is your current favorite song?

ivy by frank ocean comes to mind rn

39. how long have you had this blog?

this one for a couple months now i assume? but i’ve had previous blogs. overall i’ve been on tumblr for around 6 years now

40. what are you excited for?

transferring into the university of my dreams and getting into their nursing program!

41. are you a better talker or listener?

def listener

42. what is the last productive thing you did?

cleaning my room

43. what do you want for christmas?

hmmm 🤔 im not sure yet but if i don’t have this soon then definitely james charles brush set

44. what class do you get the best grades in?

usually english/literature

45. one a scale to 1-10 how are you feeling right now?

8

46. what can you see yourself doing in 10 years? a pediatric nurse

47. when did you get your first heartbreak?

when i was like 13? when i realized that my life size poster of liam payne would love me more than than the real one ever would.

48. what age do you wanna get married?

24/25/26

49. what career did you wanna have as a child?

i wanted to be a wonder pet lmao

50. what do you crave rn?

a croissant sandwich from burger king yo

im tagging: @namjoonieftw @fflowermin, @jeonpetals

[pixeltownies]

simself tag I was tagged by @fussysim I tag any of my followers that want to do this

take a shot every time I say “my boyfriend”

traits: goofball, foodie, clumsy aspiration: friend of the world 1. What is your full name? tristan egbert 2.What is your nickname? tris/tj 3. Birthday?‪ december 14‬ 4. What is your favorite book series?  I don’t,. really read that often 5. Do you believe in Aliens or Ghosts? Y E S 6. Who is your favorite author? once again I really don’t read 7. What is your favorite radio station? pop + alt 8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? mango, fruit punch, etc etc, I like fruity things 9. What word would you use to describe something great or wonderful? “holy shit!” 10. What is your current favorite song? I have too many favs at all times for this 11. What is your favorite word? curse words lots of curse words 12. What is the last song you listened to? self esteem - the offspring 13. What TV show would you recommend for everyone to watch? ‪jane the virgin, how I met your mother, izombie, Gotham, hmu for more recs ‬ 14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? marvel movies + childhood movies 15. Do you play video games? mostly sims, I have others but I don’t have the accessibility to play them hh 16. What is your biggest fear? being alone 17. What is your best quality in your opinion? I’m good at listening and I’m a big people pleaser 18. What is your worst quality in your opinion? how lazy I am and how quickly I get peeved/angry 19. Do you like cats or dogs better? cats! 20. What is your favorite season? autumn 21. Are you in a relationship? yes :D 22. What is something you miss from your childhood? not much if I’m being honest 23. Who is your best friend? my boyfriend 24. What is your eye color? yellow, red, forest green and royal blue 25. What is your hair color? split pink & black but naturally dirty blonde 26. Who is someone you love? my mom + dad & my boyfriend & my siblings 27. Who is someone you trust? my boyfriend 28. Who is someone you think about Often? m y b o y f r I e n d 29. Are you currently excited about/for something? starting testosterone :) + meeting my boyfriend next year 30. What is your biggest obsession? uHh. cc, sims, Netflix, marvel, my boyfriend 31. what was your favorite tv show as a child? hannah montana, icarly, victorious, sam and cat, there are so many more but I’m absolutely blanking rn 32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to? I don’t really have many friends that are girls .. oops? 33. Are you superstitious? 50/50 34. Do you have any unusual phobias? none that I can really think of 35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? kind of both 36. What is your favorite hobby? PHOTOGRAPHYYYYY 37. What is the last book you read? i. don’t. read. 38. What is the last movie you watched? fantastic beasts with my boyfriend and his best friends 39. What musical Instruments do you play, if any? I am trying to learn guitar but I have ADHD/ADD and I have a hard time self-teaching 40. What is your favorite animal? panda, red pandas, fox, raccoon, turtle, cats. 41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? I just started out. pls. 42. What superpower do you wish you had? I just wish I wasn’t this dumb ((I’m keeping ur answer, I’m wheezing)) 43. When and where do you feel most at peace? when I’m on the phone with my boyfriend 44. What makes you smile? my boyfriend, sims, music, photography 45. What sports do you play, if any? none 46. What is your favorite drink? monster mango loco + pacific punch 47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? recently I keep a journal of notes to my boyfriend 48: Are you afraid of heights? y e s 49: What is your biggest pet peeve? misophonia, look it up 50. Have you ever been to a concert? yeah 51. Are you vegan/ vegetarian? no, I honestly don’t have the motivation or willpower to do it but when I move in with my boyfriend that’s gonna stop HDHBD 52. When you were little, what did you wanna be when you grew up? cosmetologist/ photographer 53: What fictional world would you like to live in? I can’t think of the name but the place in guardians of the galaxy 54. What is something you worry about? being alone, dying, people not liking me, embarrassing myself. 55. Are you scared of the dark? no, and yes 56. Do you like to sing? yes but I’m not good at it 57. Have you ever skipped school? I dropped out bc of it so yes 58. What is your favorite place on the planet? anywhere my boyfriend is 59. Where would you like to live? U.K. 60. Do you have any pets? 5 cats 61: Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? night owl 62: Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? sunset 63. Do you know how to drive? yes but I don’t have driving license oops 64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? earbuds 65. Have you ever had braces? no, but I need them 66: What is your favorite genre of music? pop punk + indie + pop + basically anything but country, folk, classic dhsjsj shit like that ion like 67: Who is your hero? I don’t think I necessarily have one? 68: Do you read comic books? yes 69: What makes you most angry? misophonia, being blamed for things I didn’t do, not being listened to, being undermined, etc things of the sort 70. Do you prefer reading a book on an electronic device or on a real book? both tbh 71. What is your favorite subject in school? art 72. Do you have any siblings? 10 73. What was the last thing you bought? I can’t remember   74. How tall are you? 5 foot 4 75. Can you cook? not exactly 76. What are three things that you love? boyfriend, music, my cats 77. What are three things you hate? anxiety, fear, abandonment 78. Do you have more male or female friends? male 79. What is your sexual orientation? homosexual but panromantic 80. Where do you currently live? united states /: 81. Who was the last person you texted? my boyfriend 82. When was the last time you cried? idk!!! 83. Who is your favorite youtuber? jacksepticeye 84. Do you like to take selfies? yes I am very insecure but also very vain ((god we are the same person)) 85. What is your favorite app? twitter 86. What is your relationship to your parent(s)?  kind of don’t like necessarily like them but I don’t hate them 87. What is your favorite foreign accent? British accents but this is biased bc of my boyfriend 88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? japan 89. What is your favorite number? 14 90. Can you juggle? nope 91. Are you religious? I don’t.. know… 92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? outer space, ocean scares tf out of me ((keeping this too)) 93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? impulsive but not daredevil 94. Are you allergic to anything? freshly cut grass tbh 95. Can you curl your tongue? no 96. Can you wiggle your ears? no 97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? normally when it happens if I catch on, if I didn’t realize I was wrong I admit when it’s pointed out 98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? forest 99. What is your favorite piece of advice anyone has given you? uh I haven’t really gotten any 100. Are you a good liar? unfortunately yes 101. What is your Hogwarts house? hufflepuff 102. Do you talk to yourself? when I’m pissed 103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert 104. Do you keep a journal/diary? yes but they’re more like love notes to my boyfriend 105. Do you believe in second chances? yes and I give more than that bc I’m weak and too nice for existence 106: If you found a wallet full of money, what would you do? …. id be lying if I said I’d turn it in right away, I would have to contemplate that 107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? yes but only with help 108. Are you ticklish? yes 109. Have you ever been on a plane? nope, will be next year 110. Do you have any piercings? eyebrow, labret, septum, tongue, my ears are stretched, and I have more piercings planned 111. What fictional character do you wish were real? … uhhHhh I’m blanking 112. Do you have any tattoos? I have an XØ and a fiatp symbol on my left wrist 113. What is the best decision you’ve made in your life? following my boyfriend back when he followed me, to begin with 114. Do you believe in karma? yes for sure 115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? glasses 116. Do you want children? 2-3, I’m adopting though 117. Who is the smartest person you know? my boyfriend 118. What is your most embarrassing memory? I have many 119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? all the time 120. What color are most of your clothes? black or my fav colors 121. Do you like adventure? YES 122. Have you ever been on TV? nope 123. How old are you? 19!! 124. What is your favorite quote? If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies. 125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? savory (and spicy!!!!!!)

[6-flats-blog]

Get to Know Me

1. What is your full name? Mackenzie

2. What is your nickname? Mack

3. What is your zodiac sign?  Sag sun, Libra moon, Cap rising

4. What is your favorite book series? The Grisha Trilogy by Leigh Bardugo fucks me up

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Aliens duh and im a ghost so yea

6. Who is your favorite author? Haruki Murakami or Leigh Bardugo

7. What is your favorite radio station? CBC radio one tbh im a bona fide old lady

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? cherry tbh 

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? lmao id probably go “sicc” or just start swearing at it

10. What is your current favorite song? hellfire from hunchback tbh but also the other side of paradise by glass animals is making a comeback

11. What is your favorite word? i dont really have one ig 

12. What was the last song you listened to? mama’s gun by glass animals

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? avatar the last airbender i fuckin love that show

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? moana all the way but i usually watch nature docs to cheer me up david attenborough is a very soothing man

15. Do you play video games? i do but not as like a thing

16. What is your biggest fear? dont even

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? i’m pretty levelheaded most of the time and im able to be pretty frank with people

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? i can be mean unintentionally and im scatterbrained

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? cats pls dont kill me

20. What is your favorite season? winter or fall

21. Are you in a relationship? oui

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? innocence ig

23. Who is your best friend? idk tbh i have 3 really good friends but probably my boyfriend

24. What is your eye color? blue and yellow

25. What is your hair color? red but im planning on changing to purple and blue soon

26. Who is someone you love? my boyfriend and my 2 best friends

27. Who is someone you trust? see above

28. Who is someone you think about often? keep seeing above

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? starting music school in the fall

30. What is your biggest obsession? languages and food probably

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? idk i didnt really have one?

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? my bf i swear hes the star of this

33. Are you superstitious? nah

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? not really

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? i prefer to be the camera 

36. What is your favorite hobby? playing piano or cooking

37. What was the last book you read? la symphonie pastorale by andré gidé for school? it was awful

38. What was the last movie you watched? moana

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? piano, saxophones, i kinda play violin and clarinet, and i sing

40. What is your favorite animal? penguins i love penguins

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? i dont follow anyone yet rip

42. What superpower do you wish you had? the power to play smth by rachmaninoff tbh

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? on fogo island where my family is from its so peaceful even though its touristy now

44. What makes you smile? frédéric chopin

45. What sports do you play, if any? how dare you

46. What is your favorite drink? cherry slushies or ginger ale

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? probably the fourth grade idk

48. Are you afraid of heights? im 6′3 so uh 

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? waking up

50. Have you ever been to a concert? ye

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? i have been for 5 years ! i think

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? a lawyer wtf

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? i would Run Ketterdam And You Can’t Stop Me or the legend of korra world bc its a lot more chill than the avatar one

54. What is something you worry about? getting nuked

55. Are you scared of the dark? nah

56. Do you like to sing? yeah ig

57. Have you ever skipped school? i literally skipped school today

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? fogo island probably

59. Where would you like to live? norway or germany

60. Do you have any pets? no :( i want many

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? probably an early bird

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? sunrises

63. Do you know how to drive? i am legally permitted to drive, whether or not i know how to drive is up for debate

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? earbuds

65. Have you ever had braces? oof yes dark times indeed

66. What is your favorite genre of music? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

67. Who is your hero? my aunt

68. Do you read comic books? not really

69. What makes you the most angry? preludes and fugues

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? real books obviously

71. What is your favorite subject in school? music is this even a question

72. Do you have any siblings? i have 1 brother

73. What was the last thing you bought? dairy queen?? i think

74. How tall are you? 6′3 or smth

75. Can you cook? yea pretty well actually

76. What are three things that you love? playing piano, cooking, driving

77. What are three things that you hate? mat

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? idk?? probably equal

79. What is your sexual orientation? you tell me

80. Where do you currently live? st. john’s, NL

81. Who was the last person you texted? my friend who is also named mackenzie

82. When was the last time you cried? today probably

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? oof idk

84. Do you like to take selfies? nope

85. What is your favorite app? instagram? maybe

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? it definitely is

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? scandinavian or scottish

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? n o r w a y all of europe tbh tho

89. What is your favorite number? 27

90. Can you juggle? absolutely not do i look like magic

91. Are you religious? im spiritual

92. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? deep ocean omg

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? what does this even mean

94. Are you allergic to anything? peanuts

95. Can you curl your tongue? ye

96. Can you wiggle your ears? if i commit to it

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? i want to say usually but almost never

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? forest i aint got time for sand

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? dont die

100. Are you a good liar? yes

101. What is your Hogwarts House? ravenclaw

102. Do you talk to yourself? i have extended, in 

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? ambivert i think

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? nah

105. Do you believe in second chances? depends i guess

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? leave it there that aint my busieness

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? yes

108. Are you ticklish? im SO ticklish surbgafdoaef

109. Have you ever been on a plane? yea

110. Do you have any piercings? just my ears but i want more

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? zoya nazyalensky i want her to murder me

112. Do you have any tattoos? i have one and im getting another soon

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? not killing myself probably

114. Do you believe in karma? yea in a way

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? nope but i probably should

116. Do you want children? idk yet 

117. Who is the smartest person you know? not my boyfriend

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? oof idk all of the eighth grade

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? big yes

120. What color are most of you clothes? idk my wardrobe is a mess but i mostly wear black

121. Do you like adventures? absolutely

122. Have you ever been on TV? nah

123. How old are you? 17!

124. What is your favorite quote? “Ill figure out where I’m going when I get there”

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Savoury except sour patch kids

[marvelous-imagining]

Lost Years

MASTERLIST

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Epilogue

A/N: If any of you remembered that I first called Ava “Avalyn” in the fist part, I changed it to Ava. I wasn’t supposed to keep that in and only now noticed it… Sorry about that. I had already changed it to Ava on Wattpad when I first posted it so I thought the most logical decision was to just change it to Ava on Tumblr and not add anything. Hope you’re okay with that. Now, I don’t know when part 8 will be up, I have not started writing it yet and I have to get some of the requests done. Let’s see what happens. 

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Words: 4,558

Warning: just a whole lotta fluff once again, maybe a dash of angst depending on your take on it

Sitting on a chair next to the hospital bed while holding Bucky’s metal hand in yours, your eyes wandered to Ava who was sleeping on his chest. It was her favorite place to take a nap on. With you, it never seemed to work. Bucky’s was the only chest comfortable enough for her to fall asleep on without a fuss.

Bucky’s fingers ran up and down Ava’s back as he hummed gently, gazing down at his sleeping daughter. A small smile grazed his lips and he sighed happily before turning to you. He noticed you frowning and his own face twisted the same way. “What’s wrong? He asked, squeezing your hand which was lying on top of his on the side of the bed.

You shook your head, keeping your eyes on Ava to avoid looking into Bucky’s blue piercing ones. You felt his hand squeeze yours some more and your lips pursed together.

"I just can’t believe Ava almost lost you,” you said.“I can’t believe I almost lost you again,” you said much quieter but loud enough for Bucky to hear.

“Neither of you are going to lose me, ever,” he tried to assure you. “You need to stop thinking about that. I’m here, I’m well… I’m right here.”

You nodded, sniffling as you blinked away the tears in your eyes. You were sleep deprived, hungry and still quite overwhelmed about Bucky being hospitalized. It was no wonder you were emotional.

Bucky kept quiet as you calmed yourself down. You took a deep breath before looking up at his face, seeing his eyes on yours already. He had a small sad smile on his lips as his thumb drew gentle circles on your skin.

“I’m going to be fine.”

“I know,” you said, attempting to smile. “I just… I haven't—”

“You should get some sleep and grab something to eat.”

You raised a brow. “How did you—”

“Have you forgotten our time together in Bucharest?” He asked with a playful smile. “I know you, Y/N and I know when you’re sleep deprived and haven’t eaten much.”

You smiled, the corners of your lips curling up as your eyes fell down to your intertwined hands again.

“I know you want to make sure I’m fine but you can’t just stop taking care of yourself.”

“I’m a mother,” you chuckled. “ What do expect me to do?”

Although your tone made it seem like you were joking, Bucky didn’t find any humor in your words. He looked rather sad. “I know you’ll always put Ava’s needs before yours but you still need to take care of yourself.”

“I know,” you said. “I was just joking. Of course I take care of myself.”

Bucky opened his mouth to say something, probably to remind you how it didn’t look like you had been taking care of yourself but you beat him to it. “Alright, I’ll eat something…” You sighed. “Do you want anything?” You asked as you pulled your hand back, ignoring the feeling of emptiness you felt when you let go.

“A sandwich would be nice,” he said while glancing down at Ava who stretched her arms in her sleep. He smiled, leaning down to press a soft kiss on her head.

You smiled before turning the door knob. You opened the door and were about to step out before you heard Bucky call out your name again. You turned to him too see him looking at you, unsure.

“You know we need to talk, right?” He asked.

Your body tensed, your jaw clenched. You nodded, looking him straight in the eye. “I know,” you said quietly. “But let’s leave that until you get out of here, okay?” You asked, practically pleaded.

Bucky nodded. “Of course.”

Bucky glanced down at Ava who had her fingers in her mouth to replace the pacifier she hadn’t taken before falling asleep on his chest. She always fell asleep fast when lying on Bucky. It warmed Bucky’s heart knowing she was so comfortable with him that she could fall asleep instantly.

After hearing the word ‘dada’ come out of Ava’s mouth, he couldn’t help but feel joy. That being one of the first things he had heard after waking up made him so incredibly happy. For a second he couldn’t help but think how it would be to wake up to that every morning. He had started dreaming of waking up, still sleepy, his eyes still closed as he’d hear the door of the bedroom opening, the sound of little footsteps carrying across the floor until he’d feel small hands being placed on is arm. He’d open his eyes with a smile and see Ava next to the bed with the little teddy in her arms and a wide smile on her face. The word “dada” being whispered before she’d attempt to climb on the bed. He’d have to help her out a little and he’d end up spending a couple of minutes just playing with Ava.

He had also imagined you to appear at the door, leaning against the door frame, smiling at Ava and him. He’d stop playing with Ava and just hold her in his arms while she’d keep giggling like she always did. He’d smile at you, wish you a good morning before you’d go over to the bed as well. You’d sit down next to him and give him a quick little kiss, maybe even a remark about his morning breath depending on how playful you were feeling. You’d snuggle up to his side and the three of you would spend some more time in bed before getting ready for the day.

Then suddenly, he had been awakened from his daydream and he heard Ava repeating the wonderful word, “dada” while he heard your voice. He had instantly known you were stressed and he turned his head to see you talking to Steve. And when he had heard the words you chose to describe him, ’the love of my life’ it was enough to make his mind blank, enough to make him forget about everything else for a while.

At first he had thought his mind was playing tricks on him. He blamed it on the fact that he had been asleep for God knows how long but after he had seen the scared look on your face after realizing he had heard you, he knew you had said it.

Now he was lying in bed with Ava in his arms while thinking through what had happened a while back. Right before you had left, he had made sure you knew the two of you needed to talk. He had been needing to talk to you for quite a while. He was not completely sure about your situation. He had tried to talk to you but some things had gotten in the way. Somehow most of those things were related to Tanner who Bucky despised without even really getting to know him.

A part of him was rolling his eyes at his ridiculous jealousy but another part was practically ripping out his hair out of stress and fear of having Tanner butt in and steal you away. The fact that Tanner had made a joke about himself being more of a father than Bucky had just pushed the metal-armed man over the edge. That night, he had pretty much freaked out. What he had done and said really had him regretting not letting you talk. His jealousy and paranoia had taken the best of him.

On the day of the mission, he had been distracted. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much of an ass he had been. He had yelled at you for nothing, he hadn’t let you explain anything… He had been so wrapped up in his fear of losing you and Ava that he had miraculously almost gotten himself to push you further away. Gladly, you hadn’t given up that easily. The day after the little screaming match, you had texted him and asked if he still wanted to go over to your house. He had been quite surprised. A part of him had expected you to avoid him but instead… he had avoided you.

How his mind worked was a mystery to him. He hadn’t wanted to be away from you. He had wanted to drive up to your house, run up the stairs and burst into the apartment. He had wanted to run up to you, apologize for being such an ass and confess his love for you so you could live happily together with the perfect daughter along your side.

But for some reason, he had stayed away. He had gone to the mission although some people had told him maybe he should stay in the quinjet until he was absolutely needed. There had been many close calls and a couple of hits, a few serious ones which lead him to being knocked out for many hours.

He chose not to think about his heroic actions since it could have been a lot worse, worst case scenario was that he could have died. He was just happy to be alive and well even with a couple of wounds, many bruises and some pain around his body. He was happy to be there with you, Ava and his friends.

The door opened and Bucky turned his head, seeing you with a small tray of food. You walked over to the chair beside the bed and set the tray next to Bucky. You raised your hand, placing it on Ava’s arm. You shook her slightly to wake her up. It only made her snuggle up to Bucky even more which caused you to laugh, Bucky joining in.

“Ava, I brought you some food,” you said and this made the little girl lift her head up from her father’s chest. She rubbed her sleepy eyes and sat up, placing her hands on the tray. You handed her a jelly sandwich which she loved and began eating right away. You took some napkins and placed one on her lap and tucked one into the collar of her shirt to prevent a big mess.

“If you ever need to wake her up and she’s putting up a fight,” you started and sat back on your chair, taking a bite of the sandwich you had made for yourself, “Just mention food and she will rise,” you chuckled, raising a hand over your mouth while it was full of food.

Bucky smiled, not saying anything or letting out a laugh. He gently took a hold of Ava and raised her up so he could sit up as well. You helped him out by taking his pillow, fluffing it and placing it behind his back so he had some cushion to rest back on.

“It works like magic,” you continued as you turned your attention back to Ava who was munching away on her sandwich.

Bucky smiled at the trail of jelly on her chin. He grabbed the end of the napkin on her chest and raised it up to wipe away the excess food. She shooed his hand away and continued eating, keeping her hands tightly on the snack.

There was a knock on the door and soon Bruce walked in. He had glasses perched up on his nose as he looked at a folder. “Bucky, everything seems to be fine. We’re ready for you to leave whenever you are.”

Your whole body tensed and you gulped, knowing that meant you and Bucky would finally have to talk. You tried to play it cool and seem as if you weren’t as nervous as you actually were. “Well, you didn’t have to be here for long,” you said with a small chuckle as you turned to Bucky who was already looking at you. He saw right through your exterior, he saw that you were anxious.

“Really? Everything is fine?” Bucky asked after turning to look at Bruce.

“Yes. Well, of course you need to be careful with the bullet wounds but thanks to your regenerative healing factor, those will heal in a matter of days.”

Bucky then nodded, letting out a relieved sigh. “I’d leave right now but…” He trailed off as he tried to reach for the sandwich that Ava had in her hands. She pulled it away from him and screamed, telling Bucky to back off without using any words.

Bruce chuckled Ava’s reaction with you and Bucky joining in soon after. “No rush,” Bruce said and left the room after sending a warm smile to all three of you.

After you were all done eating, you took Ava in your arms to let Bucky stand up on his own. You wiped away the rest of jelly from Ava’s face and threw the napkins away. You saw Bucky grabbing some clean clothes and looked at you. “I’m gonna change, take Ava to her room, I’ll be there in a minute.”

You nodded and walked over to Ava’s room. It still surprised you that she had her own room. She had many toys, not much more than she did at home. The room was bigger, though. It was the same size as the other bedrooms, you assumed.

You set Ava down and went over to the bag you had brought with you when you left home. You opened it and took out some of her toys, one of them being the brown teddy her father had given her. You watched her playing with the toys around the room and took a quick look around the room. It was much bigger than her room back in your apartment. It was definitely made just for her, it had light pink walls and a carpeted floor unlike the other rooms in the building.

As you looked around, you heard someone stopping at the doorway. You looked back and saw Bucky leaning against the door frame. “Can we talk now?” He asked quietly.

You nodded, standing up and following him out of the door. He lead you to the room across the hall and got in, you following right behind. You took a seat on foot of his bed while he took a seat on his desk chair a few feet in front of you. You had a clear view to Ava’s bedroom door so you’d know if she left after getting bored of toys or getting anxious about being alone.

“Where do you want to start?” You asked, moving your gaze back to Bucky.

He shook his head, letting his hair fall over his face.

“How about we start with why you hate Tanner so much?” You suggested.

Bucky scoffed. “That’s where you want to start?” He asked. “Tanner?”

You shrugged. “Well, you seem to have a problem with him and I just want to know why. You always get so worked up about him.”

Bucky muttered angrily under his breath, even the mention of his name got him clenching his fists. “I just can’t stand him.”

“Why?” You asked, crossing your arms. “He’s a good guy, I’m sure you’d like him if you gave him a chance.”

“I just,” Bucky started, sighing. “The night I brought Ava back to the apartment after you had been out with friends… I was,” he stopped, feeling embarrassed for what he was about to confess. “I was ready to come over and talk to you about our situation and if you… wanted to start…. dating? I don’t know…”

You bit back a smile. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted that or not.”

“So I came to your apartment with Ava, ready to ask if you wanted to start something but who did I see? Damn Tanner with his shirt off, abs on full display.” Bucky’s lips formed a thin line and he shuffled awkwardly in his seat. “Can you promise me there is nothing going on with you and Tanner?”

“Yes,” you said very confidently.

“And there never has been?”

“Yes,” you chuckled.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Because he’s gay.”

Bucky’s eyes widened and he leaned back on his chair. “He’s what?”

“Gay.”

“As in… happy?”

“No, as in homosexual. He likes men.” You tried to prevent yourself from laughing too hard. “I don’t understand how you didn’t notice, he was obviously flirting with you the first time he saw you. He was practically undressing you with his eyes.”

Bucky was confused, he had no idea Tanner was gay. “Then why did you tell me it wasn’t what it looked like if you thought it was obvious he’s gay?”

“Because I know you, James,” you smiled. “You immediately thought me and him had sex, you always jump into conclusions.” You shook your head. “After you left, he started raving about how hot you were. Kept saying if I didn’t make a move soon, he would.”

“Really?” He asked. “Well, tell him thanks,” he smiled proudly, making you laugh. “I’m still not fond of the guy.”

“Of course.” You nodded understandingly.

“Now… Let’s talk about what you said to Steve.”

You gulped, looking down at your hands that were playing with the hem of your shirt. “Okay,” you answered quietly.

“You called me the love of your life,” he said, making you flinch and want to hide in embarrassment for using such dramatic words. “Did you mean that?”

“Yes,” you answered, closing your eyes so you wouldn’t have to look at him. “Why else would I have said it?”

Silence followed and you lifted your head up and opened your eyes. He was staring at you as if he was thinking about something. He looked at you sitting on the edge of his bed with a small smile, letting his eyes take in every part of you.

“You love me?” He asked carefully.

You nodded. “Very much,” you answered quietly. “Do you love me?”

“I do,” he answered, causing your heart to flutter. “And I have for a long time.”

A smile formed on your face at his words. He stood up and started nearing the bed. You watched closely as he sat down next to you. He began talking again.

“You were so kind when I first met you, you didn’t start treating me differently when you found out who I was, you were never scared or even surprised by this arm,” he said, looking down at his metal limb.

“I was surprised,” you corrected. “I just hid it well.”

Bucky’s smile grew. “You comforted me, you kept me company when I needed it. You always smiled so brightly when you were around me. You touched me so gently but not like you were afraid. You held my hand if you felt like I needed it. You were never afraid of me.”

You took your hand in his and squeezed it gently. Not that he needed that, you just felt like it was the right moment.

“When I finally got to show you how I felt, it just made my feelings for you even stronger. That’s when I realized I loved you, that night we spent together. I just wish I could have stayed long enough to tell you… It broke me to be apart from you. When I finally got out of cryo, I went to look for you and you weren’t there… I thought I had lost you, thought I’d never see you again. But then you were there, in Central Park just sitting on a bench with a friend. I was taken back in time. You looked just as beautiful as you did when I had last seen you if not prettier.”

You felt your cheeks heating up at his words and tried to play it off cool. You shyly looked down at your intertwined hands and smiled, still keeping quiet to let him continue.

“Seeing you brought all these old memories back to me and I started walking up to you but then… I saw Ava.” He stayed quiet for a few seconds, staring out of the open door. “Young, lively, shy little Ava. I recognized those eyes immediately. I had been staring at the mirror so many times, seeing those same eyes staring back at me.”

“They are one beautiful set of eyes,” you said with a breathy laugh.

Bucky shushed you which caused you to laugh some more. “Go on,” you urged him to continue.

“I was so afraid of this new life as a dad but you helped me through the toughest times. Of course there are many more of those times coming up but I’ll be more than happy to be there for her and you. I want to be a part of her life. I want us to be a family. You, me and her, all together. Is that okay with you?”

You nodded, trying to contain your smile as you looked up at him. “I’m more than okay with that. That’s all I want.”

Bucky lifted his hand up to your cheek, brushing a fallen eyelash away from your face and let his hand rest on your skin that was heating up once again. “Good,” he said. “I thought I was going to have to persuade you.”

You shook your head slightly, not hard enough for him to pull his hand away. “Have you ever had to persuade me to do anything?” You asked. “You’ve had me wrapped around your finger ever since you came into my life the first time.”

“Even when you didn’t see me for a few years?”

“Even then. There’s nobody else I want to be with. You ruined dating for me,” you laughed. “I didn’t want anyone but you, I still feel the same way.”

“I’m sure there are people much better than me around there somewhere,” he whispered, leaning in closer. “You could find them if you looked harder.”

“I don’t care,” you whispered back, feeling your nose grazing his. You leaned up, ready to close the remaining distance between the two of you only to hear your daughter call out for you.

“Mama!” Could be heard at first with, “Dada!” following soon after.

You pulled away from Bucky, sighing. You could have already felt yourself being taken back in time as you almost kissed. Your eyes had been closed and suddenly it felt like you were back in Romania, taken back to the night you had first tasted his lips. But as Ava came in, you were pulled back into reality.

“Hey, baby,” you cooed and opened your arms as she ran up to you. “Did you get tired of playing with your toys?” You asked as you lifted her up and set her down on your lap.

She nodded, grasping onto your sweater and playing with your sleeve while leaning back against you. She looked to the side, seeing Bucky and she smiled. “Dada.”

Bucky smiled as well, reaching out to run his knuckles over her chubby cheek. “I’m never going to get tired of hearing that,” he muttered quietly while Ava latched her hands on his metal one. “Say it again,” he said quietly.

“Dada,” Ava repeated like Bucky had asked her to do. This caused you and Bucky to chuckle which only made Ava join in, giggling at your reactions.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and you and Bucky turned to look at the door to see Steve standing there with a small smile on his face. “I was told to come check up on you. How are you doing?”

Bucky smiled and nodded. “I’m great,” he answered. “I really am.”

You were in Ava’s room with her and Bucky, packing up the bag you had taken with you while the other two were playing. You looked over to see Bucky holding Ava in her arms and spinning around. Ava’s laughter seemed like it would never end, it was also contagious. Bucky joined her laughing which made you chuckle as well. As much as you would have wanted to just sit down and look at them having fun, you kept on packing up the bag.

After finishing up with packing, you slung the bag over your shoulder and walked up to Bucky and Ava. You saw him holding his side with a frown etched on his face while holding Ava close to his chest.

“James, you should be resting,” you scolded. “Don’t tear those stitches.”

“It’s fine. They’re gonna heal very soon anyway.”

You shook your head but smiled. You sighed, looking down at he ground. “We should head home.”

Bucky’s face immediately fell. “Oh…” He sighed. “Of course, yeah.”

“You really should rest and having Ava here won’t help that at all.”

Bucky nodded, laughing. “That’s probably true.”

You turned over to the door only to have Bucky wrap his fingers around your wrist and turn you back. “We never got to really finish the talk,” he said. “What are we? What are we going to do now?”

“Why don’t we take it slow?” You asked carefully, surprisingly afraid of his reaction. “You know, let’s ease into this,” you continued while waving your hand back and forth, gesturing to both Bucky and yourself. “See where it goes.”

Bucky’s lips pursed into a thin line but he nodded. “Yeah, of course. We shouldn’t rush into anything.”

“Exactly,” you said with a relieved sigh, glad that he understood where you were coming from. “Just play it safe in case there’s a chance of this falling apart.”

“Are you really afraid this won’t work out?” Bucky asked, harboring a sad look on his face.

You shook your head. “It’s not something I think is a big threat but just in case. We can do this, okay? We just need to go slow.”

“Yes, I know, I understand,” he smiled gently before starting to walk towards the door, walking you out. You waited the elevator to come up to the floor you were in before you turned to Bucky, watching him give a goodbye kiss to Ava before he turned to you. “Well… I’ll see you soon, I guess.”

“You better,” you smiled before stepping closer and hugging him tightly.  You took Ava from him who immediately protested about leaving without her father. Your face fell and you wished either you could stay or Bucky could go home with you. You tried to soothe Ava while her bottom lip started quivering. You got into the elevator and saw Ava looking over at Bucky who also looked very sad. You waved at Bucky as did Ava until the doors closed and you could no longer see him.

Bucky stood outside the elevator, staring at the doors that had just closed. With every fiber of his being, he wanted to run to the doors and rip them off so he could wrap his arms tightly around you and kiss you until he could no longer breathe but he stayed still.

“Let’s take it slow…” He repeated the words you had said to him. “I can do that,” he sighed, turning towards his room again. “I can go slow.”

Although he sounded unsure, he was confident that he could do as you had asked. He could go slow. He also knew it was going to be hard as hell but he’d be able to do it, for you.

“I can do this,” he muttered to himself. “We can do this.”