#i mean 'i'm not feeling well' is a valid reason for me like i'm v understanding it's just frustrating

[anauwhere]

Me: mh maybe I was over reacting when I blocked-unfollowed them gotta check them out again cause I'm bored

Satan: *left the chat at the sight of their url*

Me: do u know what? I should trust past me more she's always right

[wilwheaton]

favorite goncharov character

Goncharov! Holy shit I haven't thought about Goncharov in YEARS!

I remember seeing it at the Vista theatre downtown in ... I want to say 1983? It was either 82 and I was 10, or 83 and I was 11. Now that I think about it, it must have been Spring of 83. I remember that Kimmy Mendini was my babysitter, and she drove my friend Ahmed and me all the way downtown to see Goncharov. She would have been at least 16, but I feel like she was a little older. I remember that she LOVED movies and just never stopped talking about European cinema.

Ha! I can still her her sort of roll "Cinema" out of her mouth. Movies were for the masses to watch, while sophisticated adults experienced Cinema. I'm just realizing now that she absolutely pronounced it with a capital C. She was like "you are so lucky to see a clean print of Goncharov!"

I had no idea what a clean print was, but I understood it was important and impressive.

She had read about this screening in the LA Weekly, which I didn't know at the time was TREMENDOUSLY subversive in our suburban part of Los Angeles County, and we were going to an old theatre in maybe not the greatest part of town, but Kimmy had been watching me since I was in second grade and was like my big sister. I knew we'd be safe with her.

That old theatre (which is now a fucking swap meet) was just so beautiful inside. 100 foot ceilings, box seats, gold paint and murals. It felt like a place you went to experience Cinema, but, like ... it had absolutely seen better days. I remember that I felt kind of bad for the place, a little embarrassed, like when I got a good grade and accidentally made eye contact with a friend who got a D.

Okay. This clearly hit a memory artery, and I appreciate you staying with me this far, when we finally get to the fireworks factory. We're walking up to the box office, and she tells Ahmed and me that we have to wait on the sidewalk, because *technically* it's rated R, and she's not our legal guardian, but what does this guy making two bucks an hour know about art anyway?

So we wait. She buys the tickets, and then we all walk in as casually as we can.

I remember how scared I was that we were going to get caught and they'd call the cops (that's how it worked in my anxiety-ridden brain), but literally nobody cared. The theatre wasn't even half full, and everyone there was a dude at least as old as my parents.

You know the story, so I don't have to recount all of it, but I can at this very moment remember how shocked I was when Bruno was shot. This was the first time, ever, I had felt an emotional connection to a character. I didn't cry when Bambi's mother was shot, I didn't cry when ET died, I didn't cry E V E R.

But when Bruno died? I didn't make a sound. I just silently wept. Tears just poured down my face and I wanted to roll back time, rewrite the movie, and get him out of that room.

I obviously understand now, all these years later why I connected to him and why his story meant and means so much to me, but at the time I had no idea. I just thought the actors were that good.

I can't believe that guy who played him died so young. I think he was like 40? I remember thinking that was old. Now I know different.

When the movie was over, Kimmy asked us how we liked it. Ahmed was obsessed with the photography (he grew up to be an illustrator), and I obviously had my Bruno Moment.

We got Thrifty ice cream on the way home and listened to Donna Summer in her Datsun.

I haven't thought about Goncharov or Cinema or Kimmy in FOREVER. Leave it to Tumblr to boost my nostalgia check to a natural 20.

tl;dr: Bruno. I know he's supposed to be that character we all hate, and there are so many valid reasons for that. But when I was 12 ... well, I was a different person.

Oh! And now that I know what a "clean print" is, having seen so many "dirty prints" in revival houses before they all turned into swap meets or churches (hey, two places where people sell you stuff and take your money!), I retroactively appreciate it in a way that would make Kimmy happy.

Thanks for the trip into the crumbling mall that is my childhood memories. I haven't been here in awhile and it was nice to visit.

[bogkeep]

some time ago i watched This Video about ergodic literature and got inspired to get the book S. by jj abrams & doug dorst. i've finally started reading it and i have Thoughts

the video i linked shows and explains the premise of the book, but here's the tl;dr - two students(ish) are writing annotations in the margins of a novel called 'ship of theseus' by mysterious author V M Straka while passing it back and forth. they are getting to know each other as well as trying to solve the mystery of Straka. it's a non-linear epistolary story told through a footnotes, scribbled comments, and inserts such as postcards et cetera.

there's a couple reason this book caught my eye in particular:

- i love "two people getting to know each other through letters/accidental text messages/notes" trope. it may just be the internet denizen in me but i'm a sucker for characters who get to know each other through text.

- immediately intruiged by the mystery author's name, Straka - it means magpie in czech, so i feel like i'm getting a head start on the mystery because i'm the specialest little boy in the world!!!!

- it looks cool as hell

(i purchased a used copy that was apparently a library copy so it feels extra Authentic hehe)

ANYWAY i'm still very early in, but i have many impressions to chew on already. first off, i really love the whole premise/medium, and it looks Really Good. there's a lot of really cool details that make it look authentic (if we ignore the COMICALLY LARGE MARGINS) - the book absolutely looks like something i could find in my grandparents' bookshelf. the comments being written in different colours of pen to signal when in the chronology they were written is very good. everything is pointing to a Very Fun and Immersive reading experience.

howeverrrrrrrrrr

while i Am having fun so far, there's also a lot of details that keep shaking my suspension of disbelief. like i am trying my best to hold on to it - im accepting the Comically Large Margins and the silly premise that these two people absolutely had to pass the book back and forth to communicate. like i am fully on board with that. it's just... i feel like this book is trying to Appear more clever than it actually is?

i think maybe the main problem for Me Specifically is that it's pretending to be a book written by a Probably European author and translated to english, but S. was so obviously written/created by americans and not intended to be read by someone who knows any of the languages they're dragging into this.

i was correct in assuming Straka is meant to be czech, as ship of theseus was originally written in czech - but it's weird to me that the narrative is completely uninterested in like... the original? there is a foreword by the translator, who goes on and on about the mysterious circumstances under which v m straka died, but the fact that the original language is czech is mentioned in a *footnote*. i would think a foreword by a translator would, realistically, say more about their credentials or their actual process of translating. or is that weird??? i took a class in classical literature in uni where that's kind of a big deal so maybe i'm biased???

BUT ALSO the fact that straka's identity is So very mysterious and very possibly a pseudonym... if you're like, genuinely trying to untangle this mystery, wouldn't you make a note about the meaning of the name??? like wouldn't you put a picture of a magpie on your conspiracy board about it?? Straka is absolutely a valid czech surname because most czech surnames are seemingly random nouns or adjectives, but if you think it's a pseudonym then someone made a very deliberate choice!!!! HELLO!!!!!!

then they listed the names of people who are thought to possibly be v m straka (of varying nationalities), and like okay maybe i'm nitpicking but i has to take a pen and fix some of them. they used SOME special letters for some of the names but very sporadically - they wrote vaclav instead of václav, and ekstrom instead of ekström... like at least be consistent if you're going to ignore special letters!

the worst language offender by far is this:

if you want "the monkey dances" it's "opice tancuje". you could also do "opičí tanec" for "the monkey's dance". this particular abomination is causing me physical pain.

one of the first inserts i ran into was a letter written in swedish + a direct translation:

GUESS WHAT I CAN READ SWEDISH TOO... i can't tell if the "original" letter is supposed to be the swedish or the english one - while the swedish seems to be grammatically correct (I THINK), it extremely reads as Something Written In English And Getting As Directly Translated To Swedish As Possible. it reads very stilted and oddly phrased. i get the impression i'm not actually supposed to be able to understand it, it's just here for Flavour, and that's fine! this one i can easily justify as the swedish being the in universe translation.

here's another very small thing that made me sigh very deeply

"at what point does this book stop being straka's alone & become *theirs*?" THE BOOK IS CALLED SHIP OF THESEUS. AREN'T YOU GUYS DOING LITERARY ANALYSIS OVER HERE??? IT'S THE FIRST CHAPTER AND YOU'RE JUST SPELLING OUT THE PREMISE TO ME TO THE POINT OF CONDESCENSION.

like. okay. maybe not everyone knows what the ship of theseus refers to (also i want to point out it feels like a very english language phrase to me. it Does exist in czech but it doesn't sound like a good or catchy title i think) - but i really do feel like two university students doing a deep dive into this book + author would 100% analyse the meaning of the title, that's like 101 level stuff!! this comment would be so easy to save - just have Mr Black Pen add a quippy comment about this being a bit on the nose, or pointing out the aptness or irony of the title, Anything. it would add so much to the believability for me.

like i didn't study literature at a higher education level so maybe i'm completely off base, but i DID study art history, and it seems almost absurd to me that these characters are doing so much digging and mystery solving about the author's mysterious past and rereading all of his books to find out more... and not engage with the basicest basics such as, the original text(s) pre-translation, possible cultural contexts, tHE TITLE... why are they drawing connections from choices made BY THE TRANSLATOR that absolutely would not be there in the original czech!! !!???!!!????!!

anyway my biggest actual problem so far is that i'm really struggling to read the actual ship of theseus. i have fun reading the annotations, but the actual book... i am Struggling. i've never been any good at reading ~*The Classics*~ so it might just not be my vibe, but i'm not sure if TOS is even a Good Book? like in this universe it's Allegedly a classic and very iconic or whatever. and obviously it's a challenge to write A Classic that makes its mark on history. and gods know there's discourse about whether or not The Classics are actually good books and that's way above my paygrade. but idk i couldn't get through chapter 1 without skimming through it because it kept boring me so bad.

i suspect i might just, keep reading the annotations storyline and not bother too much with the 'book' part of the book. i genuinely wanna see where the story goes!! despite my complaints i Am sold on the emotional core of it.

i think the premise rules so hard but i really feel like the authors are too monolingual and american and maybe haven't read that many books????? i can't speak on the latter but the former.............. maybe im the one who's too european

[the-simple-creature]

My last "X eyes" theory, the big one.

I have made many theories (probably definitely too many) as to who/what this guy is and I suspect (know) it's getting annoying so I am just going to put every theory right here, including a couple new ones!

The format for each theory goes as such:

Theory

Small paragraph explaining it.

Each piece

of evedence

For it

-<(Break)

Each piece

of evedence

against it

Theory 1: This is CYN/The AS

Simple, it's CYN, the one that far too many people are saying is true. To clarify, this theory says it's JUST CYN, not the true form of the AS or anything like that, just good ol' mansion CYN.

It kinda looks like her.

CYN isn't in the poster

-

This character is being hidden and HEAVILY foreshadowed, we've already seen CYN

The hair is too small

CYN has never made those eyes

The drawings mostly come from Nori, whom had some form of precognition or just saw CYN's plan, which implies that this has not happened yet

Theory 2: This is an eldritch character.

This is probably my second least favorite one but it does have far more evidence supporting it.

V is "killed", which would supposedly give us Eldritch V

Hasn't happened yet

We don't know what all Eldritch characters look like, they might not all be jawless-holo-spooky-snake-crabs.

V isn't in the poster

-

Sentinels are (allegedly) designed to fight and kill DD's, which would include the eldritch form

Uzi says that if Alice killed V that she would get quote "a freaky worm", which implies that they ARE all jawless-holo-spooky-snake-crabs

Again, the hair

Again, the eyes

Theory 3: It's a new form of CYN/The AS

The second most likely one... with about two real problems.

Hair would fit

Eyes would fit

Technically hasn't happened yet

We have no idea what it could be

-

We have no idea what it could be

We better have a damn good reason as to why it's not possessed Uzi /hj

Lame as hell /j

Theory 4: It's possessed Uzi

The most likely one, probably the correct one. I don't actually mind this one, this one feels like the realistic pick. I found a lot more evidence against this than I thought I would but it wouldn't bother me if this was the correct one.

Hair is an almost exact match (see here)

Uzi is being possessed as we speak

Hasn't happened yet

-

CYN didn't get the X eyes when possessed, why would Uzi?

That's not what her hair normally looks like

She's already in the poster

The repeated use of the X eyes would suggest that they are a constant, Uzi (very briefly) flickered them once

Uzi's hair is A: longer and B: purple

The teeth

Theory 5: It's something completely new

My personal favorite one, mainly because I'm a simp for the SD-S theory.

Hasn't happened yet AND would explain why the picture on the left exists, that drone may have seen this character personally in cabin fever labs, thus explaining why a "normal" drone could draw it

Would provide more lore on Nori

The hair being similar to Uzi's could just be Nori's design/Nori made the hair for this character

Would kinda explain the 6-7 month wait

Could be a "experiment gone horribly wrong" type character, explaining the eyes

Could explain why and how the sentinels exist

Foreshadowing would HIT

-

I'm honestly just coping for the fact that it's probably CYN

The exact same problem as theory 3

"twₒ EPisₒdEs isN'T ENₒuGh TimE!" (It's valid, I'm just salty)

Conclusion

Most if not all of the evidence points to this at least being something we haven't seen yet. While most of the evidence could also just be ignored, the two theories that answer the most questions and have the most/best evidence are probably theories 4 and 5.

In conclusion: this is ether someone new or at least a new form of somebody, heavy foreshadowing to me means that this thing is going to have some sort of importance to the story that isn't just "yellow Uzi".

At the absolute BARE MINIMUM, this thing is going to have a unique personality or, well, perhaps a lack of one.

[greenerteacups]

this might seem v random but, if you haven't come across it already, i would really recommend tavi gevinson's latest online zine 'fan fiction' -- not because of the fan fiction element of it, though, but because of your evident love of taylor swift (who it's about) and your impeccable literary taste. and would love to hear your thoughts!

This was an excellent recommendation, and I loved it. I will admit that the RPF segment had me leery (RPF throws me for reasons I have yet to intellectually inspect but believe may relate somehow to the concept of voyeurism) but I'm glad I finished it, because she pulls it together very well. The dialogue in the last segment is especially great, particularly these parts:

And this:

And this:

Because this gets at what I find so Gordian about Internet conversations among even relatively respectful/measured people about Swift's work and presence: we can't seem to figure out what it is we want from her. There is no right way for a woman to be more famous than most presidents. Do we want her to need us or not? Should she care about our approval or shouldn't she? Is the fact that she doesn't "feel" authentic to us the consequence of having demanded authenticity for so long she literally had to shape her personality to fit what "felt real" to millions of people, and in the process, of course, of course, inevitably, produced work that felt authentic to no one?

And then also, like. To what extent do fans use her autonomy/consent as a lever for bad behavior? I.e. does the "invitation" of personal information in her songs license us to speculate about her like she's a character on a TV show? Where is the line of appropriate speculation in an autobiographical medium? I was talking to my friend at dinner just tonight about how it's gross that people can't seem to give her the credit of writing songs that aren't 100% always About Her, and my friend pointed out that she invites comparisons to her own life by teasing names and iconography we identify with her public persona. It's like Brett Easton Ellis writing a book about a character named Brett Easton Ellis. Sure, they're not the same person, but you've invoked a symbol, and people are not being ridiculous for trying to analyze that symbol in the context of the work. In order to do that, they need to understand what the symbol is. Which means the biographical stuff actually is relevant to the text, and Swift's obvious irritation at her fans for failing to just... fuck off a little bit and let her live, while an entirely fair and morally defensible human response, is complicated by the way that her art is produced to resonate best for those who care most. Folklore and Evermore prove even Taylor is on some level aware of this, because she uses the third-person mechanic (and again in "Bolter") to differentiate those protagonists from the narrative construct of "Taylor Swift" in her other first-person work — i.e. pulling apart the Swift who is speaking and not the Swift who is singing (if that makes sense).

And then, finally: "The irony gets a bit tired. You can just say you like music. It's fine." What a deliciously recursive little bit of irony, considering it's a criticism being offered by a character whose ironic distance is itself being criticized. And the fact that the author is putting her own self-criticism in the mouth of a non-existent popstar who's deliberately flattening her take on her subject matter? Mingling valid with invalid criticism to establish a protective distance from her flaws and prove her smarty-pants intellectual self-awareness while also implicitly disowning the faults in her work, an (ironically) childish gesture of insecurity that stands at odds with the mature intellectual persona? Trying to have about seven or eight different cakes, and eat every one of them? "The irony gets a bit tired." Fucking perfect. I laughed.

[1eoness]

BROOO u were literally probably the first author whose fic i read when i first searched up leon smuts last year 😭 ur works r so good n idk if u'll see this but it's nice to hear abt ur perspective, i feel like fics abt leon these days r so fucked up and scary, it reminds me of when i first read a fic of yours and it was nothing but normal and hot? i just mean it's like, what fanfiction should be, how smuts should be, just p in v and stuff without all that crazy shit, it sucks to see writers these days waste their talent on writing dead dove fics that are so horrendous that it really affected me mentally

helloo!! (im not dead mueheaheah)

WARNING : Mentions of dead dove content and the likes of its themes!

before i talk : [HIIIIII HEHAHEH thank you for your support!! i'm glad you liked my (very subpar) work! now that i look back on it those themes did enter a somewhat gray line at some point because i lacked a lot of experience in writing. i do not condone ever letting your professor have sex with you nor do i promote any kind of hate-motivated sex, or dubcon! it was merely a bold attempt of expressing hormones (if you know 😭) like a lot of people my age commonly do and so i had (and still have to) reedit the tropes in my work a bit, also because i turned 18 now and i wanna readjust my boundaries! i hope you dont mind. regardless, i love that you like those themes. very good! love you!! /p]

anyway, leaning more towards the topic at hand. i don't doubt that your opinion is much different than a large part of the community under this tag. which is a very, very good thing! i'm pretty sure it was ever since @/gilfhub's posts started to quickly rise in the top pages that lead a lot of users to be influenced and begin to tear down a very, very important boundary. i'm very sorry to hear that being exposed to that affected you mentally, that's the entire reason why i absolutely abhor blogs that post and enable that content. you're not alone on that either <3 and i agree! people should ALWAYS write boundaries in mind. i've lurked around the tag a lot and noticed a lot of "popular" writers who also have an alternative blog for dark content (this isn't just a specific account, there are a lot of these.) warnings don't make things better, they don't fend witnesses away, and it doesn't make you any less insensitive. "dead dove content" itself (which is really just incestual/horribly taboo sexual assault fantasies, no need to sanitize it) should always be suppressed and private (or, well, NOT WRITTEN AT ALL). the moment you put it up on any kind of digital page, you are attracting ANY kind of viewer and none of that shit is cute, i'm sorry. projecting your trauma onto a character is one thing but writing them as someone who skips the morality line is just straight up trying to exercise your power through the wrong means. just as much as you have the power to express yourself, you also have the power to make someone very uncomfortable. people don't think about these situations in the long run, that's why. they seem to really like using the "leon is just a character, i promise he won't care" argument which i also think is total bullshit cause this isn't even about leon, it just entirely reflects what your true values really are. they centralize around the need to express yourself at the expense of other people's comfort (because, for the nth time, it's a public space with an unpredictable demographic yet people seem to really like just doing the "bare minimum" on their part). whilst your perception of a traumatic experience may be valid, it doesn't give you any excuse. this is far from the idea of free individualistic expression, it is just as bad as some 4channer posting about wanting similar situations be inflicted onto them with even real, sentient people. because we all know why these themes allow themselves to be exposed to the audience and that's because it tries to appeal to a very specific group of people (which is very disgusting.) they want to be so condescending, too. like "oh grow up, i'm all under ur skin and for what." it's blatant ignorance, you're not very smart!

and finally as ironic as it is, porn is to blame for enabling a lot of similar themes. it's so obvious, too, a lot of fictions like the ones you mentioned that are dead dove always have to mention pornography titles in it. (honestly doesn't have to be dead dove either). sanitization can be done in MANY ways, and a lot of the times I notice it's through the way of romanticizing or aestheticizing it. I'm talking about those who put up mini pinterest-board headers of like three whatevercore images and then putting lyrics at the bottom of it. it's like an attempt at writing a very bad fucking movie not gonna lie. for example, they end up trying to decorate their post with elements that fall under anything curated aesthetic. and guess what? we've all been there but NOT for writing about uncle!character and their kid reader thats just flat out WEIRD. trust me you are NOT anais nin, you do not have to write lyrical prose and try to beautify something that will always be ugly and demented to its very core. you cannot call dead dove content "artistic vents", either. i also think i can understand that some people are victims who have failed to get help thus they try to cope through other means. but i will never applause someone for making the right choices. i think there's no excuse behind writing dead dove content other than to self mutilate your mental health in the long run for a temporary moment of "safe fun", and not even knowing that it is also in/directly harming the public eye.

it's rotten. it's disgusting. dead dove writers should not be welcomed in any fictional writing space. i've been triggered over and over again and it made me put off writing and reading for a very long time. i've experienced something similar before and i have gone crazy over it, and trust me, the things these people write so "generously" for their viewers are NOTHING but toxic waste.

tumblr is NOT your space, but everyone has a space in tumblr, so be conscious of yours.

i also encourage people to not stay silent on the matters if they want to speak up on it but are afraid of getting backlash. i've seen people delete their accounts over it (which, i guess is good on them since then they won't have to confront this kind of space anymore).

[spotsupstuff]

I saw the Ask regarding your Ancients and

Yeah I agree with everything they said. Ancients being sea anemones is just... So right. Can't see them any other way (They are funky freaky sea anemones that grew legs!) /pos

I love your own spin on things, too! (even if they aren't meant to stick close to cannon, it's fun to think about!)

It still feels all plausible to me in the Rain World Universe, which just opens so many Avenues to expand on things! Words are escaping me but I just

Love yer stuff so much

the ancients are fucking seafood n i think that explains why they are Like That to a degree ngl GJKLSDCMLSK The Seafood Vibes of a Whole Species....

i do find it interesting though how ya two stand behind the sea anemone thing with "it feels right". cuz like yes, i obviously agree! when u look at the hair bullshit they have goin on in the graffiti/murals, it makes a lot of sense. but i do think most fandom still thinks n stands behind the idea of the ancients being some sort of a land creature, like lizards, scav-related, birds, dogs... which is Very valid n in a way i do perceive those as the basis for ancients as well. i think of myself as an outlier. so the fact ya two go "it feels right" is very "👁👁 o wowie... lookit dat.. look..... (*꒪ヮ꒪*)" to me /in a v pos way

-snaps fingers n points atcha- but YES!!! *YES* THAT'S A BIG THING FOR ME- i can go off wherever i wanna n where the feelings will lead me but it Has to still fit into the universe! if the universe is a little changed because of the way i go about drawing the iterators, then okay, but there is still a certain Rain World vibe that needs to be respected no matter what cuz otherwise i stop writing about RW. which i don't wanna do cuz i love this lil shitlet of a game. and IDEALLY by straying away from the largely canon stuff but staying with the Vibes, i will- exactly, yes!!!!- open up new Avenues for world-building!!!!!

world-building is genuinely one of my favorite things to do. with RW it is especially fascinating because all of the information that we are really offered is all from a singular source that is Moon's/Pebbles' facilities (when it comes to visually/gameplay relaid information) Or what we can mostly safely assume is a singular continent wide network of iterators (since Suns is kinda weird to place cleanly)

RW is fascinating and engaging because while it offers only a small piece of the world for us to learn from, it uses the passage of time to expand upon itself n i fuckin Love it. also the main reason why i'm trynna respect the general timeline as much as possible. thanks to this expansion through time, not space, RW manages to never really feel stifling and claustrophobic when reviewing the lore

i do like to pose the question or my tactic of going 180°- which means that i take what is given, turn exactly the other way n start Marching in order to widen the horizont of understanding of the universe (n i also do that with characters pretty often ngl... i love my 180° rule a lot). if RW is focusing on expansion within time, i'll do my best to focus on expansion within space and then detail That

and thank you!!! i'm glad you enjoy my stuff!!!!

[noonegetsleftbehind]

i debated saying anything, or talking about this at all. i know it's super personal and a very touchy subject and one that a lot of people shy away from or even hide. it's frowned upon to talk about and, for some, i know it's triggering to see it talked about it, but i kept thinking of one thing....

so, if seeing or discussing this is triggering to you? i understand. i get it. look away and don't click the readmore if discussing heavy mental illness topics and struggles/mentions of self-harm and suicide are something that you cannot handle. that is so valid and you need to keep yourself safe. skip this post and read the next and know i love you.

please understand that i am not looking for pity or for judgment. i am simply being transparent and real. i am advocating for mental health and for others that may be struggling too.

i will not go into much detail on what my bad news was. just know that it means another very crushing blow to my already non-existent self-worth and our financial status. it was such a crushing blow that it pushed me off an edge i had barely been hanging onto from months worth of physical health issues (christ i have had 3 surgeries since december and been in and out of the hospital.) it's been hard. it's been real hard and this was something i had put a ton of fucking work into and fought like hell for for over a year all for... nothing. all to be de-humanized and be forced to question what my worth at all is anymore or why i'm even here or why i should bother to keep going at all.

i won't lie. it got dark. it's still dark. i'm still struggling. it caused me to spiral into a near catatonic dissociation. i spent all day in bed crying before i just sat staring and out of it. all my brain could even think of was how much i wished i was dead. it's still there. i still question why i'm here, but i'm getting to the part where that gets a little bit better.

this is not a new fight to me. it's not. i had a complete, ugly mental breakdown in feb of 2020. jesus, february is a shitty month for me historically. i broke while at work - my job that i thought was going to be the career of my life and at the time i was going to college to further my study in. too much stress and too many years of masking and pushing everything away and ignoring...things i hadn't even realized i was doing.... and it was like someone had built a fucking damn around niagra falls. everything came rushing out all at once. these are things i am still trying to even begin to process. and when you snap, find yourself under a desk screaming and crying and trying to claw at your face at work? you don't come back from that. you don't get to stay at that job. my dreams and plans for the future washed away that night.

i didn't give up then. i went into intensive outpatient after several hours in a ward. i spent nearly 4 months in near daily several hours therapy and this was in the heart of the pandemic. it was at this time that i started attempting to finally transition. in the midst of everything, i was denied hrt for health reasons which only set off my shitty feelings and body image more. i closed myself back off and went non-binary again and convinced myself i didn't fucking deserve to live my life as the right goddamn gender and i needed to just accept and live life as a cis-woman. spoiler alert? that shit doesn't work. it will eat you alive.

i attempted to get jobs again. i had a seasonal job that i lost in jan of 2021. i got another job that i was placed in while working with a state vocational program. that one worked out well. it wasn't a fancy or great job by any means, but it was one i could do and could make money from. my boss was nice and i found parts of it interesting, but can you guess where this is going? my health popped back up. first i broke the scar tissue in my right hand where i had carpal tunnel surgery in 2020. then i got a concussion. then, out of nowhere, i started getting violently ill and was in and out of the ER like 4 times in 2 weeks for the worst pain i have ever felt. basically? my gallbladder went to fucking shit. i had to have it removed. in order to do that? they made me quit my job and come back when i was cleared post op to lift again.

i went back to the job. it didn't last long until a mishap with the pharmacy caused me to be off my meds for 5 days. this caused me to have a black out episode where i have no idea how i got there or why i was doing it but i was in the bathroom cutting myself. again. another trip to the psych er. they corrected the med issue and i got to go home. the takeaway from this? please please please please do NOT fuck around with your meds. don't just stop taking them. it's dangerous as shit. take care of yourselves.

i was fine for about a month until more stresses started to come back at me one after the other. they were piling up and i was breaking more and more. i admit it. i have next to none stress tolerance. i can't deal with change, especially sudden and a lot. i can't deal with blow after blow. i literally cannot process it or cope. it sucks and it sounds like i'm just being dramatic or a baby, but i mentally and physically just... can't. it's debilitating.

i found myself walking back home from a doctor's appointment and my ideations were running rampant. the next thing i knew, i started to make a move to walk into traffic. luckily, my brain pulled me back out of it and i damn near ran the fuck back home to tell my wife i was not okay and i needed to go to the er. this time? landed me in a full week of inpatient stay. that entire ordeal caused even more ptsd than i already have. it was traumatic as fuck and took me MONTHS of working with my therapist weekly on to even begin to process. it sucks, it does, but the mental health system is broken as fuck. a place like that should have been helpful and healing to me in a time like that, but it was anything but. it just kept me alive and i suppose that was part of the point and good enough.

by the time i was released, i had lost my job. they didn't even fire me to my face. just told my wife. the end of that year was... not good. nor was the beginning of 2022. i took the opportunity to go ahead and get my other wrist operated on for carpal tunnel and got both elbows (cubital tunnel) done in january and march of 2022 as well.

it was around this time-ish last year that my body image issues started to tank. my dysphoria was so bad i wouldn't even look in a mirror. i hated myself. everything about myself. the body i saw was not me and and i could not continue long that way. i met who became my closest friend and ally in this time. with his help and support.... i fought to fully transition. I literally do not know where I would be without him and I hope he knows that and how much he means to me. i came out publicly and socially completely and in july i finally got to start T. i am just over 7 months in and in may i have my consult for top. i'm getting there.

you would think this would mean i was finally happy and things should be good, right? while i am on a journey that has been a lifetime in the making and am changing daily and week to week closer to my true self? it's a very slow and long process. especially in a time like now when the rights of trans and lgbtqia+ people are constantly being threatened and challenged. it's scary and it's a struggle daily to be who i am. there are a lot of challenges that come with this and it is not an easy road and anyone who thinks we just up and choose to be this way can eat shit and fuck right off. nobody would choose this kind of pain and struggle.

to top that off... in case all of this wasn't clear? i have a giant list of things diagnosed and wrong with me. cptsd, ptsd, mood disorder, severe treatment resistant depression, anxiety disorder, borderline, gender dysphoria, panic attacks etc. these are things that don't just disappear. it means i still go to weekly therapy. it means i keep having to adjust to and come off meds and start new ones etc. it is a constant trial and error and a constant fight to keep going and be able to be better and just be okay. some days i'm fine and some days i'm not. sometimes i can be fine one moment and not the next. this is the nature of the beast.

so that brings us to now. once again... too many stresses.... too many blows one right after another snapped me. i broke and this time the difference is i knew it. i could feel it happening and see all the signs. the positive light here? in recognizing this, i knew i needed to fight like hell. i needed to get help. i knew i couldn't do this by myself. i can't keep going like this. so, i took the steps necessary yesterday to get in touch with my therapist and the location that handled my inpatient stay to get an assessment. this was so fucking hard to do because you run the risk of them saying you need to go inpatient. i took the risk because i knew i couldn't do this alone. bad things would happen.

so, that brings me to where we're at now. after being discussed with the psych on call, my assessment was recommended i do partial hospitalization. php is basically as intensive and the same thing as inpatient except you get to go home at the end of the day. this is the best possible outcome for me. i am scared shitless and it's a huge change and my social anxiety and ptsd for being back in the facility are through the fucking roof. i start monday. i'll be there monday-saturday 8am-3pm basically for 2-4 weeks. after that time, i will more than likely be moved into intensive outpatient for another 4-8 weeks. but you know what? i'm committed. i want to learn. i want to get better. i want the fucking help. it's not going to cure me, but it can damn well help me. that's all i want. (it's also breaking my heart that i now have to miss my best friend's wedding because i can't get out of the hospitalization. once i'm in, i'm in. it breaks me and i know he understands, but i wanted to be there for him and with him and it was important to me, but this can't be helped and i know that. it still hurts.)

so... that's my story. that's where i am. every day is a struggle, but right now... the struggle is damn near impossible. it is excruciating and it is draining of almost all of my emotional/mental/physical spoons/capacity. it makes daily life hard to even get through the day, it makes talking with people like i normally do extremely hard and it makes having enough brain power to be on here and get to anything substantial a crapshoot. some moments i can do it and have a lot of muse and feel the need to distract and writing has always been my favorite coping tool. but i just can't guarantee. i can't make promises about my activity and i hope that's understood and okay at this point. just know i WANT to be here. just know i am TRYING.

again... let me reiterate that i am not looking for pity in all of this. i'm not. honestly? i hope this HELPS at least one of you. i hope it shows you that sometimes it is okay to not be okay. it sucks, but it doesn't make you broken, even when it sure as fuck feels like you are. i hope it inspires someone to get help. i hope it makes someone remember to take their meds. i hope it lets someone know they are NOT alone. i hope it reminds someone to check in on a friend/love one. i hope it nudges someone to come out and be themselves and fight for who and what they are. why do you think i resonate with chris so much? why i love him so much? he fights. he never fucking gives up. no matter what. he grits his teeth together and he fights for himself and everyone he cares about.

"No one gets left behind. Not on my watch."

be kind to yourselves. know that you can always talk to me if you need to. if i have the spoons i will be here to listen and help if i can. know you are not alone. and most importantly?

remember that everyone behind one of these blogs that you're writing with or following... everyone on the street you see... we're all fighting our own invisible battles. you never know what someone is going through. you never know the struggle they're hiding. be kind to people, especially your fellow RPers. respect each other. lift each other up. befriend and love each other. nourish each other's creativity and hobby. stop fucking being so quick to break each other down.

mental illness is just as valid as physical illness.... you just can't SEE it. it's time to start treating it that way. it's time to stop looking down on people for what you don't understand. be glad you fucking don't if you haven't had to experience this shit then you're lucky. listen. be kind. learn. advocate.

Love, J

[diabolikpersonals]

Could we please have Shu x Reiji x Yuma poly headcanons :)

oh boy the Arson Recovery Trio!!! one of my favorite ot3s! let's get ready for some hurt/comfort babyyyyy

(pls understand there will be no romantic shu/reiji in my house thank u. when I say they love each other I mean like brothers) (also there's shu LE spoilers here, like v serious ending spoilers)

Lately, I like this ship post-Shu LE route a whole lot. I think it's an excellent starting point for them. If you're not familiar, Shu is the struggling vampire king, Yuma puts himself in a 99%-chance-of-death situation to help him, and Reiji saves Yuma in the end by taking an attack that was meant for him and almost dying. The air is thick with shu/yuma/reiji my friends. The conditions are perfect

Reiji (thinking he's going to die) tells Yuma that this is the only way he can atone. Yuma (also thinking Reiji is going to die) is like "idiot, I've already forgiven you for everything!! ;-;"

There's so much that all three of them regretted. Shu regretted not being a better king, Yuma regretted not being able to do more to help, Reiji regretted the ways he wronged them in the past...

...but they all come out of it alive, somehow. Hurt, but alive. They're all given a second chance. (maybe, at this point, it's more like a 3rd chance?)

I'm so fucking PUMPED about the three of them being the representative vampire demon politics team. Shu as the king, Reiji and Yuma as his right and left hands. Shu with the physical (magical) power, Reiji with the political know-how, and Yuma with the burning passion for social justice to push them both in the right direction. the dream team <3

After everything they've been through, they're very consciously aware of how much the other two mean to them, and so they can be fiercely defensive. Like, if somebody is talking shit about Shu then Yuma & Reiji will not stand for it at all, etc. Very "I will never let him get hurt again" energy

If Shu/Yuma and Reiji/Yuma are both slow burn by themselves, you'll never fucking guess how slowly Shu/Yuma/Reiji burns. It's so slow. It's so fucking slow. Because both Shu and Reiji are thinking, "I shouldn't like Yuma. My brother clearly likes him, and for good reason, and I've got all this guilt towards my brother, so I should just let him be with Yuma. I should back off." THEN NOBODY MOVES

And honestly, as for this "who is going to confess first" standoff, I literally think it's nobody. I don't think there's a confession scene here. It's just too hard for these guys. I think Yuma starts using the word "love," but not in a romantic confession sort of way. Stuff like "I love being here with you guys; who knows what my life would be like right now if I didn't have you." Then Shu and Reiji are able to answer, yes, I feel the same way. I also love being here, doing this, with both of you.

Then there's just this tacit understanding between them over time. When I say "I love you" I really mean it, actually. I mean that I love you in so many different ways. For once I feel comfortable loving somebody, instead of feeling scared or guilty. This feeling is precious to me; both of you are precious to me, I love you.

I bet they'd have to keep their "relationship" (or, yknow, their great big pile of mostly unspoken feelings) a secret, on account of being, well, public figures in the demon world. I don't think that's much of a problem for them, but it could be a fun source of drama if someone were to find out.

I like to imagine Shu still struggling with his powers, especially while he's feeling negative emotions, but Yuma and Reiji calm him down just by being around ^^

Reiji would never admit it but he actually Really adores validation and praise from them. Even if it's just an off-hand comment, it makes him happy because Shu and Yuma aren't people who lie or flatter others, so Reiji knows they really mean it. After complimenting Reiji, Shu and Yuma get to see Reiji's genuine smile, and they're both like "whoa, have you seen this before...?"

You know what's better than a Sakamaki boyfriend?? TWO Sakamaki boyfriends! >:D

anyway they're really good. I want them to take a nap in a pile together after working hard at demon politics.

they've just been through a lot ok I want them to HEAL and HUG ABOUT IT and be there for each other forever. is that that too much to ASK???

[gugf]

How would you ranked the dr Seuss movies?

OH oh thanks for that question!!!

You mean all or just the feature length ones?

Ah, my top tiers are not feature length, anyway.

Maybe I'm just really into old cartoons...

I'll do top 5 on both.

1) Lorax (1972). I can't help it, when I'm sucker for dark things I'm sucker.

I adore the aesthetic all throughout the movie. Animation, color choices, songs, steampunk architecture cheffs kiss. They find so many ways not to show not only Onceler's face but his whole body. This man just feels like an eldritch capitalistic creature.... And this suits the whole thing so well.... Not to mention the changes they made for his character overall.

What can i say, it's the darkest and saddest out of them all. Story vise and visually. No wonder it got such strong emotional response. Poor Lorax, poor Onceler (I mean, of course, he deserved all this, but also on top of that family just leaves after he became useless, seriously, PRICKS), poor animals, poor everything.

The message just enhances from the whole animated potrayal, and these segments just ooze misery and despair from the screen. Wow, i sure am relieved that climate just whipes us all, and we wouldn't be stuck for long in this horrible mud and fumes.

2) Horton Hears A Who (1970)

It's eldritch. It's magnificent. I can't how after all these years it's still right on spot. I guess that's how you make a timeless story.

Ah, yes, adaptation. The animation is some places is outstanding and SONGS SLAP SOOO HARD. They slap in every movie, but here I just adore every one of them. I prefer this version to movie, because of more consistent tone. It remains this seriousness and sence of dread, poor Horton can't even rest most of the time. For me it just makes it more inspiring. Fighting is hard, and may be even exhausting, but in the end, all more worth it when people finally standing by your side. Always make sure you are heard.

I mean, at least that's how i read it.

3) How The Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966)

Out of all three adaptations, of course, it's still my favorite. This version just hits that core for me. It's really cute. It worms my heart. Tony was totally his ex.

Grinch is just right amount of mean. He's malicious, but in a believable and calculated way. Not in obnoxious manner. A grumpy old person, who also constantly abuses his dog for some reason level. He steals the breadcrumbs, guys, what a man! They added a lot of fun and cute details like these. And the whole mountain slide scene is so iconic, why is he so needlessly cruel omg? I guess the failed business and relationships really messed him up...

This movie is really full of imagination and cute stuff. It easily lighters my mood, and also didn't screw up commentary on a holiday itself, what's not to love?

4) Cat In A Hat (1971)

Oh look, all classics in a row. I guess, I'm really that predictable. I really really like how it looks, the colors, and how characters move. It's so adorable...

But I still feel bad for the fish, I mean, not like concerns weren't valid?

Characters are just really fun, i'll say. This movie is just comfy.

(It's unrelated information, but they really butchered russian in that language song. What they said is basically "Hat in a hat". The right way would be pronounced like "Kot v shlape" or "Koshak v shlape" if it needs to rhyme, but that's just a pet peeve).

5) Halloween Is Grinch Night (1977).

I really like the aesthetic. Mc with round glasses might be one of my favorite genders. Easily the Halloween classic.

A lot of really cool surrealism (Gives me particular Yume Nikki vibes).

But I kinda question Grinch's motives. If his concern is really the sound, than what's with the time limit? Looks like he just needs a justification, huh.

And for feature length:

1) Horton (2008). I mean, it's kinda cute. Even enjoyable as an adaptation.

2) Lorax (2012). Purely for memes, the biggering and tumblr sexy man (original was hotter though). So bad it's good, but as an adaptation strongly won't recommend.

4) Grinch (2019). Snow looked pretty and they added that scene at the end, but oh boy how they massacred my boy. Had an untapped potential.

3) Grinch (2000). I liked costuming (but still feel bad for the actors) and set design but not really a color palette. My mom likes it, but not for me. Too noisy.... And i just can't stand some scenes.

5) I needed to fill the gap so Cat (2003) goes here. Set design was neat.

[crystal-crax]

O V E R T H I N K I N G # 1

Do you all ever get that; like, heart sinking feeling when someone close to you gets you a gift that you hate?

Not in a:

"This is blue and i wanted pink!" Kind of way (not to shame anyways, i think it's a valid reason to actually dislike a gift)

But more like: "This is not something i ever even expressed i liked, nor that i wanted. This doesn't even represent anything for me and it goes against anything i've ever told you about myself"

I love giving gifts, it's my love language!

"Look! I paid so much attention to you and got you something you fawned over for that one time we went out six months ago! This is exactly something you mentioned you needed/wanted but couldn't afford!"

Now listen, i don't mean that if you give something that's not precisely a good gift you're a bad selfish person that can't pay attention to others or don't appreciate them enough. I'm just saying, since gift giving means such a big deal for me (parent issues man, istg), i constantly express to others that i don't mind not receiving anything if they're not sure what to give me (and i swear to god it's not a trap, i actually don't mind it) because it hurts /again, ME, personally/ when someone close to me really couldn't think of anything i could've actually liked so they got something to "quickly get it out of the way".

Like man, i'm - i'm not a task, you know?

I've grown up being a task, i was raised on: "I know you said you liked the doll but your sister wanted that, so you'll just have to make do with this whistle i got you from the convenience store".

You can just, not give me anything, i'm fine with that, the fact you were thinking about giving me something it's already nice enough for me. If you admit that you couldn't choose something, it'll be alright, you were honest with me, so now i can comunicate more openly about what i like and need.

But, to not even know about what i don't like? That actually hurts me; like, crying at night type of shit.

Because that's something that i'm actually pretty vocal about, the differences about what i like and what i don't.

I like blue, but not navy or dark blue, more like baby soft pastel blue.

I like pink but any phosphorescent or "hot" tone of it makes my eyes bleed.

I love perfumes...as long as they smell like berries. Vanilla scents make my head hurt.

Socks? I love getting socks!...when they're not made of that scratchy fabric that rips and stretches easily

You wanted to get me something expensive? For the love of god, don't, i've got really bad issues and will start crying because i made you spend a lot on something.

And i wonder: Does it make me, a bad person? It's not like i ever show that i hate anything; or that i say it, i swallow the dissapointment and full on raise the roof for your gift. It's just..the after feeling. The soft "they don't know me as well as i do...and now it'll be worse because they'll think that i actually like this! I can never tell them that i don't! They'll feel bad!"

Whatever, Let's be grateful we even get stuff anyways, i'm just being a jerk that doesn't know how to properly work and express her emotions bc i bottle everything up until i explode, lol

Anyways, these are just some late night thoughts on why i think i'm a piece of shit (careful, there are more to come, yay)

[deviantartdramahub]

5 notes

It's so weird how DBS feels the need to kiss Mod-S's ass and clarify, in fact dedicate a whole ass paragraph to do so, that they don't at all support Club. Just weird smh -_-

Speaking of the first paragraph..."and he can also go jump off the highest of cliffs for all I care but…" Ooh, encouraging suicide! These are SUCH good people!!! ^v^

/s 7n7

Anyways I'm pretty damn sure they continued making fun of Club for not having a job yet even after this post soooo uh 😬

7 notes

No, never in my life have I seen Club speak bad about any minorities. All he wants is autistic people to get more awareness and representation. Trust me, I myself am bi, so if he was queerphobic in anyway, I WOULD NOT DEAL WITH THAT. But he's not, and actually a very good person, so we're still friends to this day, suck it. And we already know he's not a pedo and you're the real ableists here, so need to repeat the same fucking shit over and over again :3

JK I know you dumbasses will die on that hill, but whatever.

2 notes

"remember to include a recording or im not taking it" Lmaaooo bullshit Mod-S, even if it was just a screenshot you'd take it XD

 4 notes

Got any proof of that big accusation? No? You're just accusing an innocent person of something that didn't happen, ey? Aight fuck off.

 1 note

Ah yes, the ol' "someone gives you something automatically means they're grooming you." Wdym that's not actual advice?? Hm...

3 notes

I'm pretty sure I said this before, but the reason he feels the need to seek validation like that in the first place is bc you sickos attacked and harassed him. You guys are the terrible people here.

4 notes

Mhmmm, kinda suspicious you remember a scene like that so well.🤨

4 notes

Yeah no, his RPs are about special needs awareness, and you're the weirdos fetishizing it.

2 notes

Yeah Mens and Clari are bad people but the fact DBS called themself "actually a decent person" like that is so cringe lmaoo. Also bringing Club out of nowhere in this post that has nothing to do with him is so weird. DBS sure is one of the most deranged people in that blog smh.

 1 note

Who the fuck cares, it's harmless fun, you people were just straight up losing ways to make fun of Club or to "call him out" lol.

 1 note

Nuh-uh-uh! Screenshots can be easily manipulated and don't qualify as actual proof, sweetie! :)

2 notes

Uhh if you actually cared about those kids I don't think you'd refer to them like that but whatever 7-7

Annyyywayyysss I'm once again done for the night, see ya!

I feel like they're confusing him with other people half the time. Even amongst their so-called evidence, I've never seen RP's of his outside the family formula, so when they mention Sailor Moon RP's for example it strikes me as a set-up.

[rogersstevie]

i thought i’d try making more last minute plans with this friend who always has to cancel but alas no luck sjkdfkjs it’s just been too long

[weepinglevi]

patience is a virtue

summary: college!au. all aged up. eren and reader continue with their sexual escapades. find part one here! warnings: 18+ minors dni. dirty text messages, dirty talk. dom!eren and bratty reader (i suppose?). throat fucking and semi-public sex. (no p in v tho) word count: around 3.5k A/N: i have a love/hate relationship with this eren ahaha, he's been ruling my brainrot ever since the last part so i hope you enjoy! there will be a part three eventually, so be on the lookout for that! enjoy your read and feedback is greatly appreciated! xx

you awake to your phone vibrating somewhere next to you. the hope of it only being a one-time occurrence quickly proven to be false as it just wouldn't stop. brr-brr. a second of silence. brr-brr. pause. brr-brr.

taking a mental note to never go to sleep again without turning off your phone, you roll over to your other side and try to ignore it. you could simply answer the texts, but that meant you'd have to open your eyes. and that whoever was texting you would win this weird battle you've just come up with in your head.

"if you don't pick up your goddamn phone, i'll smack you over the head with it," sasha groans from the other side of your shared dorm, words coming slurry with her tiredness.

brr-brr.

"i could also stick it up your ass, your decision," a pillow comes flying to your head, serving as enough of a warning for you to sit up in your bed, rubbing the sleep from your eyes.

"quit moaning, i'll turn it off now," you yawn, feeling around your bed for your phone, "you never hear me complaining about the shit you do in the middle of the night."

"that's because my shit is funny and not fucking annoying," she scoffs, followed by a muted thump as she is sinking back down into her pillows. sasha's way of ending the conversation.

you find your phone half-tucked underneath your pillow, the display already lighting up again. someone is desperate for attention, you think to yourself and unlock your phone with an annoyed sigh. the messages were coming from an unknown number.

thinking about your wet pussy. this is eren, btw. historia gave me your number. i told her you wouldn't mind you don't mind, do you?

in a matter of seconds, your heart is beating in your throat once more, just like this afternoon in that godforsaken computer lab. ears growing hot at his words, you could almost imagine the sound of him laughing at you again. with trembling fingers, you scroll down further.

anyway, let's do it again sometime i told you. i'll never let you forget about how you moaned my name i'm also not forgetting about how badly i want to fuck that pretty mouth of yours, so it's a win-win see ya, then

staring down at your phone, you don't know if you should answer him. and even if you would answer his texts, what the hell should you say? "fucking bastard," the words escaping your mouth before even realizing that you'd better keep quiet. the only thing that could make this situation any worse was if sasha were to wake up again.

scratch that, you think as you see eren's new messages.

how badly do you want to suck my cock? you looked really hot today, covered in my cum what, you're shy again?

there are two ways this could go: either you stand up, put on some clothes, and then go to eren's dorm to let hell rain upon him - or simply mute your phone and ignore him. deciding to go with the latter, you lie back down and save his number as "fuckhead", a small grin forming on your face. if he wants to be childish, then you can be, too.

the display still lighting up at a steady pace, you have to fight the urge to open his other messages. to physically prevent yourself from grabbing your phone again, you put your hands between your thighs and sigh. what the hell have i gotten myself into?

"so, who am i gonna have to teach some manners today?", sasha asks in the morning, "because there are only two valid reasons for sending that many texts in the middle of the night," she sits up in her bed and bends over to reach for her phone, "either someone's dead or there's a food sale."

cringing at the thought of having to read the countless other messages eren has sent throughout the night, you try to laugh at her comment, "of course, when there's food involved, you're all for it."

"girl's gotta eat," she claims, thankfully being too distracted by something on her phone to notice your strange behavior, "i'm gonna be back later than usual today, connie wants me to be his wingman again."

starting to go off on a tangent about how connie should just get a dating app already, sasha's words become more of background noise to you. you want to know what he wrote. what he has in store for you. at the same time, you curse yourself out. you're turning into a headless chicken and all of it because of eren fucking yeager?

you nod here and there, offering her a "yes" at what you believe to be fitting moments, desperately hoping she doesn't catch up on your restlessness. all the while the two of you are getting ready for the day. this goes on for a few more minutes and you have no clue what she's talking about now, so you decide to grab your phone and stand up.

"i'm gonna go for a run around campus, you want coffee?" you blurt out, interrupting her monologue. the device in your hand feels as if it's burning through your skin. slipping into your trainers, you're already halfway out the room, her perplexed "uh- yes, please," being muffled by the door closing behind you.

it's still warm outside - not as hot as yesterday, but warm enough for you to be glad to have forgotten your cardigan earlier. you let out a deep breath, trying to clear your mind. even though you told sasha you'd be out for a run, you walk at a slow pace.

some people are already wandering around campus, most of them on their way to a lecture. at this time in the morning, everyone has their heads full with their own worries so no one notices you slowly making your way off-campus.

arriving at a little park surrounded by trees, you sit down on the bench farest off. you notice your heart fluttering like the wings of a hummingbird when pulling the phone out of your back pocket. fuck him, you think once again while typing in your code. fuck him for making me feel this way.

12 unread messages.

didn't seem all too shy when i had my hand wrapped around your throat no need to play hard to get when i already had you if that makes sense? haven't fucked you yet doesn't mean i won't get to fuck you

all you want is to feel appalled by these messages. to screenshot them and send them to the dean. maybe even to his mother. sickened with yourself though, you already feel the familiar warmth creeping up your body, curling up in your abdomen.

i know you want it, too how fucking needy you were for me getting yourself off in public to the thought of me maybe you can tell me what exactly you were thinking of? gonna make sure to let your dreams come true, princess

pet names? you clench your fist at the thought of eren leaning over you, breathing the word princess into your ear. you have an inkling that he'd say it mockingly; spitting it out whilst gathering your hair in a ponytail, arching your back forcefully, and slamming his length into you without mercy.

no. you hate pet names. at least, you've always hated them.

i'm gonna find out if you're ignoring me right now remember, you're not the best actress. fucking suck at it, actually wouldn't want to be punished now, would we?

his last message echoed in your head. still coming to terms with the fact of what happened yesterday, now you have to deal with a whole new revelation: eren yeager being a cocky motherfucker pushing all the right buttons for you. even though you want to blast his ass for this, the mere thought of him being near you again is too sweet of an imagination.

you want to play this game, too. for whatever reason keep on riding this high, and you just know that no one could do it quite as well as eren can. somehow you can only imagine taking him on this ride with you, no one else.

so, in that manner you decide to ignore his messages. if he's desperate enough to keep on sending them in the middle of the night, you're sure it won't be long until he sends another text. and it would give him enough reason to try and punish you, whatever that might entail – you're excited to find out. fucking nervous, too. but then again, who wouldn't be?

you stand up and put your phone in your back pocket, a sense of excitement surrounding your steps as you turn left to make your way to the nearest coffee shop.

"something tells me you're ignoring me," of course, the moment eren's voice comes up behind you, you fucking flinch like a little bird that's been scared away, "mostly because i've seen you reading the messages, but what do i know?"

you turn to see him clutching his heart dramatically, "don't play with my feelings like this," he swoons, bringing one hand to his forehead. he's laughing again, all white teeth and bright smiles – you realize this is the kind of eren you rarely get to see. not the cocky bastard he normally portrays; right now, he seems to be a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, just enjoying himself. still, you want to show him that you can play just as well as he can.

crossing your arms in front of your chest, you slightly raise a brow, trying your hardest to not look as nervous as you feel. it's a lost cause though because you can already feel the tips of your ears glowing with heat again. can't things go my way for once? just once? you think and chew the inside of your cheek. you felt so sure of yourself just moments ago. how the hell can he have this sort of effect on you?

suddenly, his whole demeanor changes. before, he seemed laid-back, entertained by the game he played with you. now he leans forward, hands in the pockets of his jacket and an almost cruel smile forming on his lips, "don't try to challenge me in this. you'll lose."

you know that you should feel frightened. terrified, even. he's looking like a lion preparing to jump the antelope, a sense of alarming calmness around him that's causing the small hairs on your neck to stand up. but alas, the way he's looking at you seems to have the same effect on you his scent has.

"i told you not to ignore me," eren says and takes a few steps closer to you, "yet here you are, doing it again." the chuckle leaving his lips a stark contrast to his stern gaze, still trained on you. somehow, you feel awfully small again - still not frightened, though. you stare right back at him, tilting your head slightly as if you wanted to say "so what?"

"are you seriously that desperate to be punished?"

better now than never, you think and once again place a courtly smile on your lips, "seems like it."

for a split second, you see eren's smug look turn into a genuine smile. realizing that you're up for his game, he lets out a smooth whistle, "you do surprise me."

"if you wouldn't always be so full of yourself, i'm sure you'd have recognized this sooner," you can feel the confidence growing in yourself again. clinging on to it, you take a step toward him, "i'm full of surprises."

"oh, yeah? i bet you are," from the corner of your eye, you can see him lifting his hand. before thinking twice about it, you bat it away, "i'm not one for public displays of affection."

oh, it is on– eren's smirk turns into a full-fledged grin as he takes a grip of your wrist, "you sure about that?" lifting your hand to his face, for a short moment you think he's going to suck on your fingers again. but all he does is place a faint kiss on the back of your hand, "didn't seem like it yesterday."

"you weren't supposed to see."

"but i'm so glad i did," he leans forward, the two of you standing so close you can feel his breath on your face, "or else we wouldn't have this kind of fun right now."

still having a hold of your hand, he lifts his other to your jaw, gently tracing his thumb across your lower lip, "you looked so pretty in your skirt yesterday."

taking a leap of faith, you grab his hand, holding it in place and letting your tongue run across the tip of his thumb before biting down playfully. there's a hiss and then eren pulls away and grabs your arm, "come with me."

finally, you think and let him guide you to wherever he wants, let's have some fun, then.

on your way out of the park, you pass jean and marco. even though they stand to greet eren, he just raises his hand whilst not breaking his pace, "gotta go, have an assignment to work on."

"never seen you that determined, but go off," jean laughs.

before you know it, you're inside one of the countless maintenance sheds. pushing you against the wall, eren's movements seem to become more and more erratic by the second. pinning your arms over your head, he's looking down at you, breathing heavily. "you have no idea what you just got yourself into," licking his lips, he chuckles.

"oh, but i think i actually do," you smile innocently, fucking glad to have found your normal self again. admittedly, eren threw you off your game since yesterday – but it's just going to play into your hands now. he won't see it coming until it's hitting him straight in the face; that you're just as messed up as he seems to be.

"then prove it," he breathes against your ear, "tell me how badly you want it."

the stuffy air inside the dimly lit shed doesn't help with keeping eren's scent away from you. being so close to him, looking up into his shadowed face and right into his dilated eyes; you're like putty in his hands. you try to move forward, to touch him in some way because you just know that he'll feel so good under your skin.

"now now, princess," he moves even closer, wedging you between himself and the wall, "how about we learn some patience, first?"

you nod, but then grind up against his thigh, hissing through your teeth, "i worry i'll be a real handful." you know you could very well move your hands, too – eren seems to still be testing the waters as to how far he can go with you. but with him actually letting you grind on him; you decide to play into his hands.

your breaths grow quicker as you keep on, pace becoming erratic. all you want is to get rid of your track pants – come to think of it, what you actually want is eren under you whilst you continuously bounce on his cock. you want to hear him call you princess and immediately after call you his little whore because that's exactly what you are.

eren has a little smile on his lips and you know you should ask yourself why – because you're doing exactly what he has forbidden you to do – but you're too far gone. the heat growing, you feel your knees buckle but he's holding you up; one hand now resting on your waist for support. you're so close –

and then he pulls away from you, nearly causing you to topple over. chest heaving, you place your hands on your knees for balance, "what the fuck was – "

"patience is a virtue," interrupting you with a laugh, but his voice heavy with lust, "thought i might give you a lesson you're ought to remember."

you look up to see eren palming his erection through his pants, standing about an arm's length away from you, "but i have to admit, hearing you getting yourself off is fucking hot."

biting your teeth together, you straighten up and take a step toward him – only for him to click his tongue in disapproval, "you're gonna stay right there," tugging at his pants he raises his eyebrow, "i told you what i want, get on your knees for me."

"the fuck i will," you spit out and make a move again, grasping for his waistband. but eren is quick to take a hold of your hand and pushes you back to the wall, "come on, now, princess," he chuckles but his eyes are concentrated at you, "you want this, don't you?". he's asking for permission, the thought feeling very comforting to you. and also, very excited for what's about to come.

"of course, i do," you answer him earnestly, resting the back of your head against the wall, "or else i wouldn't be here."

"fantastic," he breathes, a little smile playing in the corners of his mouth, "then get down on your knees," placing his hands on your shoulders, weighing you down, "i won't ask again."

the change of tone in his voice has you nodding, slowly sinking onto your knees, you're bursting in anticipation. one hand finally pulling down his pants, he runs his other through your hair, then down your jaw until it comes to rest on your chin.

thumbing at your lower lip, he groans "do i have to be careful?"

you just shake your head no. then you break away from his gaze, fixing your eyes on the bobbing cock in front of you. it's tip leaking with precum already, you remember how badly you wanted to lick it away yesterday.

taking his cock at its base, you bend forward and slide your tongue around its head. the salty taste sending shudders down your spine, you make sure to lift your eyes again once you prepare to take it all down your throat. your other hand snakes up to his balls, slightly tugging them which earns you a moan from eren, and fuck, you're so wet at the sound alone, you let go of his cock and slide one hand down to your own center.

he gathers your hair in one hand, taking the base of his throbbing cock in the other, "bet this is what you thought of yesterday," he slowly but surely pulls your head in closer, "of how i fuck the words right out of you."

bucking your hips into your own hand, you can do nothing but whimper at his words. because yes, this is exactly what you imagined. he's only halfway in and you're already struggling to breathe, but not wanting him to stop you hold your breath and push down even further; trying desperately not to moan.

the tears in your eyes causing your vision to be blurry, you attempt to blink them away.

"shit – ", he's pumping into you now, rubbing the tears from your cheeks and then placing both his hands on your head, "you're doing so well – "

getting lost in his words, the fear of being caught is so far away; you finally moan around his cock. saliva soaking the hem of his shirt, you can't seem to take his whole length, no matter how hard you try. you're a fucking mess under him and the thought alone is nearly sending you over the edge.

he's trying to pull away now and you know he's close, so you snake your hand around his hip, hoping this is enough of a sign to him that if he dared to cum anywhere else than down your throat, you'd bite him.

"you really – " his voice is hoarse, "fuck – this is fucking perfect," he moans as he comes to the realization. leaning his arm against the wall behind you, he's fucking himself into your mouth, his panting and the sound of your choking filling the room.

you close your eyes to blink the tears away again, but eren pulls on your hair, "no – look at me."

with this the knot in your belly explodes, leaving you holding on to eren's hip as you ride the waves of electricity that are running through your body like lava.

"such a good little whore – " he's gone as well, holding your head in place as he's pumping his load down your throat, leaving you no other option than to swallow – which you eagerly do. you feel his legs shaking under your hands.

once again, eren hands you his shirt to clean your face. this time, you take it with a smile, noting that, "i still have your other one."

"don't worry, i'll come get it sometime when sasha's away," the two of you know exactly what this means – neither of you are planning on this to be over anytime soon.

"i'll let you know, then," you nod and stand up, hoping you don't look as well-fucked as you feel, and make your way to the door, "she's gone most of the time."

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[nightswithkookmin]

Hi Goldy,

Do you feel interesting in the way other members interact with Jimin on Weverse and his health situation vs Jungkook's?. I don't know if it's just me but I found other members have normal reactions like Tae told us he video called with Jimin right away when he woke up or Jin and Yoongi comment on Jimin's post. Jhope wishes Jimin gets well soon. I'm not so sure about Namjoon cause he also didn't post anything related to Jimin but all his posts seem just normal daily activities. But Jungkook's post on Instagram gives me the feeling that he is not in his normal stage (just worrying when best friends/teammates get sick) His behavior is somehow so aggressive towards the situation, and he didn't interact with Jimin on social media. I know he is of course staying by Jimin's side in real life but the way he is dealing with Jimin's situation on social networks gives me a weird vibe.

Serious frown lines appears on my forehead

Here's what I expected:

BTS post photos of Jimin on their IG with sad face emojis😢 and uplifting messages like I miss you, get well soon, we love you.

Did I get that from any member??

NO.

They all suck according to my personal arbitrary standards. I can infer from this and indulge in thoughts of righteous indignation on behalf of Jimin that they love Jimin not and proceed to cuss them out for not meeting my standard of affection towards Jimin.

Or...

I can observe their unique way of handling issues and expressing themselves towards one another and conclude that they show concern and affection differently from me and from one another without pathologizing their behavior.

Because my way of loving Jimin is as valid as their way of loving Jimin.

Truth is I can love Jimin better than all of them and all of you combined. I am willing to suspend reality and give up my dignity and human rights just to love him. It hurts and frustrates me when people love him wrong and to my dissatisfaction.

But he would probably beat me with a bat and put his life at risk to get away from me🤣

Me each time I see Jimin

I think this is BTS when they aren't trying to please fans and put on a performance for fan points each time they relate with each other.

That weird feeling? That could be evidence of the lack of fanservice in their expressions towards each other I think.

All that fanservice and overly exaggerated performative affection for eachother in BTS has distorted our reality and expectations of love and affection. They set unrealistic standards and set a rather idealistic almost perfect example of relationships when in reality that may have not been the case🤷🏾‍♀️

He hasn't interacted at all with Jimin on his IG. Nor has Jimin him- unless they have and I missed it. It's unlike them but not exactly surprising or sus.

They doing the exact opposite of what anyone would expect of them giving their history and how they've related to each other online in the past. Jimin interacted with Suga, V- who else??

To me it's not normal and yes it's interesting to observe but I'm not willing to stretch my brains on it.

It could be their personal choice to keep a low profile which is always my go to theory because they have agency and a choice in every situation. It could be they have issues with each other and pride and shit is keeping them stonewalling eachother- which isn't exactly far fetched. I mean Jimin can't be the only one posting jikook selcas now can he? I mean where is the self respect if Jungkook is not reciprocating? He did post Tuktuk now didn't he? Chilee Jk, just sometimes don't make Jimin look like a fool!

But then again he's not the fool if he's the one in control of the pace and direction of their relationship 💀

It could have been almighty Hybe wagging a finger at them going- you two gay keep the gay on the low for whatever reason. And even with that I'm a little...

Because it's straddling the lines of Tuktukvile for me for the mere fact Tuktuk been gaying it out on the gram too. Can't hide one gay ship with another gay ship- didn't make the rules.

And it's wrong and homophobic to permit Ship A- which is a gay ship to interact freely but restrict ship B- which is also a gay ship from interacting at all.

Plus I do think they were making progress on that front- Jungkook would name drop JM on his live and talk about eating Ramen with him- I hope that wasn't a sexual joke cos the thought of it just made my heart skip- Jimin equally brought him out on his birthday for his Vlive and they were hanging and sharing rooms when they flew out to the states.

They went to the beach together. Came home together for their impromptu hiatus together.

"Someone" posted this couple vibe photo of them on Twitter

I've always said a certain level of professionalism has always been required of them by the group while the company has been a notorious enabler of their gayism.

May be this is them putting their temperance to the test. This is them putting on their shoes of moderacy and maturity for their own good and the groups sakes to see how it goes.

I can see JM holding JK to that. I really can.

He likes to challenge himself.

And I know certain members in the group prefer and are at ease with this choice/situation because Jikook on their jikook shit makes their brains pop😴

Which brings me to the topic of censorship💀💀💀💀

Jikook, hybe, BTS do have different motive and objective for censoring Jikook- obviously. It gets confusing trying to tell who is censoring them at certain times. Take now for example💀

And you can't safely explore these topics without some antelope kangaroo hybrid with pseudo moralistic stance censoring you.

So I just like to stay hydrated and just observe things. They will eventually crack- one of them would. I just hope it's not PARK FRICKN JIMIN. But I sure I'm confident one of them would break the cycle, like a post, comment or post a selca- eventually. I mean how long do they think they can keep this up for💀

And if they do all I have is time😊

I'm staying till the end credits.

Also, Jungkook commenting and posting others- listen, he ain't slick. I think we all know what he's doing but chilee we gon act dumb for him for a while.

You doing great swidy. See no gay do no gay

I'm sure it has nothing to do with Jimin being less and less codependent wink wink.

Jimin is ok being by himself and suddenly Jungkook is a social butterfly too. Not to be delulu or anything but...

As for Minimoni I been said RM seems disillusioned with JM and life in general long time ago. The magic is gone. Puff.

But I love how judicious Vminkook are being with their intimacy as a trio. It's Tae supporting JK so he perform his part with JM in my universe for me.

Besides, this whole love me in private agenda has been in vogue in Bangtan for a while now. Kook didn't wish him a happy birthday on social media two years in a row, is it surprising he wouldn't wish him speedy recovery directly on social media?

Here's the thing for me, I don't buy this whole 'we are not all that' vibe people think they've been given. I'm sorry but I just don't.

They have been friends from teenage years, come from the same town, share the same passions and interests, work together, stayed together, been through a lot together- you don't just grow apart suddenly and all that history and intimacy just don't go away. In fact, the fact Jungkook didn't post for Jimin on his birthdays is crazy to me. The fact they don't like each others posts on IG or act friendly on there is crazy to me. It's socially abnormal whether they are gay or not.

But that's also how you know there is really something off about it. It would be unfortunate if all of this is a reaction to the toxicity of their fans and haters, the over romanticization of their relationship, over sexualization of their relationship, the constant scrutiny and invasion of their privacy, the peer censorship etc.

It can be overwhelming and I feel for them.

It can be a power move to want to control the narrative and share only what they want to share and what they need to share. And as someone mentioned, they could be in that phase in their relationship where they want to keep certain moments to themselves, where privacy is their priority and want to tune out public gaze and scrutiny.

It's their relationship and I can't define the parameters for them. But privacy is as valid and important as open declaration. We get from sharing the same value we get from keeping things to ourselves because there are external things that validates us as much as those things internal to us. I hope one day they will come to that realization.

They can eat their cake and have it. They have that privilege thanks to their hard work, talents and good fortune. Some of us aren't so lucky.

They are big boys. They will figure shit out.

For now Jimin is projecting an image of an independent, individualistic person, open to healing and understanding his trauma, practicing acceptance and forgiveness of himself and others and seem to me internally at peace with himself and his environment.

Jungkook will get there eventually. I hope. He's asserted himself without fully grasping what that self entailed and, now he's imposing that self onto his environment in a rather aggressive manner. I feel. I think he needs to be more in harmony with himself and everything will fall into place. I feel he is more head over heart these days. Quite similar to old Jimin...

It's great to see him spark again. I think he needs to follow his passions and slow down on his head over heart phase. He'd feel more alive if he lets his passion lead him. Chilee enough witchy woo woo for today🤣🤣🤣

Do you wanna swap crystals??

I really think they are fine. And if they are not fine then this is not very subtle of them at all to passive aggressively ignore eachother on IG, ignore their birthdays, not wish them well when they are ill. That's so ghetto and Tuktuk like of them🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I mean its Jikook they ghetto but I don't think they are THAT ghetto. Crazy and wild sure but Tuktuk level ghetto?? Now who's delulu😭😭😭

Worse part is they will turn around and sing you are me I am you to eachother afterwards

FREE US JIKOOK moonlighting as Tuktuk.

They not showing vulnerability no more I guess. Again, like I said, could be pride or both of them engaging in righteous indignation, holding out on each other to see who caves first- which is nothing new with them really💀

They like their gay Russian roulette games sometimes 💀

Or it could be something much more complex revolving around censorship by themselves or others. One thing we know for sure, they are choosing not to interact or do these things whatever the reason.

So I guess I agree if I understood you correctly. But I think they doing too much for a cat that's already out of the bag.

They forked and we know.

Can't unring that bell.

GOLDY

[gureishi]

I'm the same anon who asked!

Could you talk about Saeran? It doesn't need to be detailed or NSFW, I'm good with anything, I just want to know more about your headcanons!

Hello again lovely anon! ♡

Oops aaaand once again (no surprise, I know): it’s long. I just wanna preface this one with a couple things:

1. There are quite a few Certified Saeran Simps on this site who truly know him much better than I do. Take whatever I say with a grain of salt—I’m no expert!

2. I’m also not an expert on DID! Which isn’t the focus of these HCs, but is obviously relevant. I read lots of books! About brains n stuff! But please never hesitate to tell me if I describe something poorly.

3. I wrote for the AS timeline here but if you want me to talk about SE Saeran or Unknown tell me and you know I will <3

Tw: discussion of childhood abuse, neglect, and subsequent trauma symptoms

Saeran’s body headcanons

A child who grows up the way Saeran did—kept indoors, often physically restrained, and sometimes starved—is not going to develop in a healthy way. There’s a reason why, even as an adult, Saeran is a full 2 cm shorter than his identical twin: he never gets the nutrition and exercise that kids need in order to grow.

We know that his mother uses his sickliness as an excuse to keep him indoors: but was he born sickly, or is he sick and weak because he’s been malnourished and kept from running or playing or interacting with other children? He breathes stale, dry air all day; he’s living on mostly white bread, and not always at regular intervals (plus whatever sweets his brother can steal for him from the outside world). He is not well.

Child Saeran never learns any sports or games. He doesn’t learn how to play with other children, or tie his shoes, or make himself a snack. Adult Saeran doesn’t know how to skip—you’ll have to teach him.

If the twins didn’t have each other, neither one of them would have survived.

And as we know, the neglect that Saeran endures worsens tenfold after Saeyoung leaves. Any glimpses he was getting of the outside world—sneaking out when their mother was unconscious, getting whatever snacks and books Saeyoung could gather for him at church—are cut off.

I’m not gonna tell you when the alters appear, because I am by no means an expert on DID. From studies I’ve read, I can say that typically alters become manifest after a “traumatic turning point” (which is not necessarily the “worst” trauma endured, but simply a particularly salient traumatic experience). It’s definitely possible that the alters emerge in late childhood, while he is still in the house with his mother.

When Saeran is taken from his mother’s home by Rika and V, he is (needless to say) not in good shape. He is painfully skinny, extremely malnourished, and very weak. He still has his red hair and golden eyes, but already he is looking less and less like his brother: his cheeks are hollow and his eyes are dull. 

There is a brief period of time, before his “cleansing” (Oh god. We’ll get there), where he is reasonably well cared for. For the first time in his life, he is eating meals—and he is getting to bathe regularly, and he is getting his hair cut and combed. He still believes, at this time, that he’ll be reunited with his brother. And he is going outside! He is learning how the grass feels between his toes and how the sky looks through clear eyes.

As we know: this doesn’t last.

The elixir is a truly horrifying combination of hallucinogenic substances. No human could consume this cocktail of drugs repeatedly and feel well: and Saeran is already physically weak, and severely underweight. The fact that he survives as long as he does under these conditions is a miracle.

We know that he is being tortured at this time, too: physically as well as emotionally. Saeran has scars, like his brother; while Saeyoung has lots and lots of tiny scars all over his body, Saeran has larger, more distinct scars: perhaps on his wrists, and his throat, and his ankles.

It is around this time that his eyes and hair change. The means by which this happens is incredibly vague in-game, and everyone’s individual HCs are valid. My personal belief is this: he dyes his own hair—first, in a frenzied, desperate attempt to stop seeing his brother looking back at him from the mirror. He keeps dying it because Rika approves: and he never does a good job, and it’s rough and fried, and that “pink” at the bottom? Just the red showing through his patchy dye job.

As for his eyes: I personally believe they change as a result of the elixir. If they were contacts, I don’t think that GE Saeran would necessarily still wear them—and in every timeline, he has those startling blue-green eyes.

The alters take care of the body in different ways.

Ray does not feed himself. He lives on caffeine pills and sweets (and, of course, the concoction of drugs that he’s being fed in increasingly large amounts). The body becomes even skinner when Ray is fronting. And he bites his nails and fingers—brutally, so they are chapped and cut and scarred. But Ray goes outside, and he works in the garden under the sun: his body is getting some form of exercise: and this is good for his lungs, and invigorates his weak, tired muscles.

Ray also takes care of his appearance—something Saeran never did before. He brushes and styles his hair; he dresses himself carefully in the clothes Rika has picked for him; he covers himself in beautiful scents so that he is more appealing to you.

When Suit is fronting, he wants to strip his body of anything that reminds him of Ray. So he styles his hair differently (but still: he is styling it), and he tries desperately to wash the scent of Ray off his skin. He doesn’t feed himself, either—but, if any of the alters are trying to become physically strong, it is Suit (of course). I’m certain that the Believers have a workout regime they’re supposed to be following; maybe Suit even does it (on his own, of course, in secret). He knows he needs to be able to protect himself—and he needs to feel powerful.

When you meet Ray, you don’t notice right away just how poorly he is doing. Rika has intentionally dressed him in a way that hides just how bony he is—and he wears those little gloves, of course, so you don’t see his ravaged fingers. But it doesn’t take long to catch on: he is so skinny you could almost blow him away, and there are dark shadows under his eyes, and he doesn’t sound like he’s taken a deep breath in years.

By the time you meet Suit, you already know the state their body is in: malnourished and weak. Ray cooked for you, but you wish you could cook for all of them; and even when Suit is starving you (in other words: reenacting the very abuse that was dealt to him in childhood), you wish you could wrap him in a big blanket and feed him a bowl of soup.

The Saeran that escapes Magenta with you—GE Saeran: the fusion of Ray and Suit (or a new alter, depending on what you believe)—has never made a single choice for himself in his whole life, until this moment. He never got to pick his own clothes, or what he would eat (if he ate at all), or how he would speak, or what he would do. Running away with you is the first real choice he has ever made—and no wonder this is pivotal and transformative for him.

The AE doesn’t portray the timeline of healing in a realistic way. After two weeks, we see GE Saeran so much healthier, both physically and mentally. And yes: two weeks of eating real food and sleeping in a bed make a difference: we see him with fuller cheeks and brighter eyes.

But what the game doesn’t address is the withdrawal he likely endures when he stops taking the elixir, which is full of substances that are both dangerous and addictive. It doesn’t address the time it takes to build up muscle mass, and get accustomed to healthy sleeping and eating habits, and to begin to heal from years and years of repeated trauma.

GE Saeran doesn’t heal right away, because healing doesn’t work that way. It’s not linear, or straightforward, or simple, or beautiful. It’s slow, and sometimes it’s painful.

But he does heal.

A Saeran who is in love with you is soft, and patient, and willing to put in the months and years (a lifetime!) of hard work to heal his body and his heart. You’ll get to watch as the dark circles under his eyes disappear, and his cheeks become less hollow, and his body grows stronger as he cooks (with you, and for you) and eats real meals and learns to run in the grass the way he never did before. He’ll make a garden, and you’ll get to see how he looks with sun on his face, his eyes clear as the sky as he gazes up at you—smiling.

You can show him how to moisturize his dry lips and cracked hands; you can help him pick out clothes he likes to wear; and you will learn how to support him when his memories haunt him.

And you can hold him: this beautiful, small, soft man, with his thin shoulders and scarred fingers. He’ll close his eyes and you’ll taste the sun on his skin as you kiss his eyelashes. He smells of earth and sky; he loves you with all the power of the universe.