#i mean its ok when people use them as a coping mechanism hey whatever helps you survive

[snixx]

okayyy i see how it is you're allowed to make a kms joke at every minor inconvenience but when I call everyone and everything my beloved or the love of my life after knowing them for 0.2 seconds I'm "needlessly dramatic"? pfft

[themoonmunchkin]

Don't look!

Pairing : Bakugo katsuki x gn!reader, Midoriya Izuku x gn!reader, Todoroki Shoto x gn!reader.

Genre : fluff

Warnings : insecure reader, cussing, savage deku?, kinda angsty but overall super fluffy ^3^

Synopsis : you're insecure about your side profile but they're having none of it.

Not gonna lie, he probably wouldn't even have known that this was an insecurity that people had.

So when you first start dating he wouldn't think much of it when you cover your nose while laughing or when you contour your jawline extra hard.

Until one day you start letting your thoughts get to you again, you think about how everyone around you have such a beautiful side profile.

You start wondering why Katsuki even bothers to be with someone as "ugly" as yourself, I mean has he seen his face.

But anyways you start distancing yourself from the world again, start hiding your face with your hair, have mental break downs in the night, refuse to take pictures and completely shut him out while thinking you're being subtle.

But no, no, no- my mans noticed...and he's currently having a full blown panic attack on the inside.

He's really worried at this point and starts thinking about what he's done wrong, he tries to talk to you but you're always making excuses and running away from him.

Now, he's had enough and so he quite literally barges into your dorm room and demands an explanation as he keeps shouting at you until....

.....he takes in your tear stained face with fresh tears forming at the corner of your eyes.

You were seated on the floor with a hand mirror clutched to your chest, the same one that you use to point out all your insecurities in, your phone is on the ground next to you with a picture of a model, her perfect side profile on display...the same one that you always compare yourself to.

Cue in a confused, angry and sad boom boom boy 😔.

Who the fuck had the audacity to make his baby cry hmm 🤬.

But then his anger vanishes just as it comes and before you knew it, he's shut the door behind him, quickly walks upto you, swoops you into his arms and cradles you in his lap.

"Ssshhh....its ok baby, I'm right here". Bakugo softly coos in your ear while running his fingers through your hair and letting his other hand rub your back. "Talk to me honey, what's wrong?"

You pull back a little and look up at him into his pain filled eyes that still hold so much love for you and that's when you tell him everything.

You tell him about how you've always hated your nose, how you've always wished you'd had a more chiseled jawline, how you've been bullied about your side profile by your peers and how you've never felt good enough.

He still doesn't get it because you're genuinely the most stunning person he's ever laid his eyes on, but understands how this is something that seriously bothers you and so he's gonna do everything in his powers to yeet those insecurities out.

Now Bakugo isn't one to lie or sugarcoat something, but he's also not someone who'll let you sit and hurt yourself like that.

He takes a deep breath, cups your cheeks in his hands and looks at you with the most earnest look on his face.

"Listen here baby, you're right maybe you don't have the most chiseled jawline or the sharpest nose out there-"

You winced at that a little but he was quick to speak again.

"I'm not done yet-" he closes his eyes and thinks for a second, words have never been his thing as he's someone who prefers actions instead but right now you needed more than just a kiss or a hug, you needed security and reassurance, so he takes in another deep breath and opens his eyes to look at you again.

"-just because you don't have those doesn't mean you're any less beautiful." He said with a smile as you curiously looked at him. You looked so damn cute to him all he wanted to do was pounce on you right then and there, but he held himself back for your sake and the next things he said made you fall in love with him even more.

"What you have suits your gorgeous fucking face, you don't have to change for any stupid extra and no one's opinion, not even yours is going to make me view you any differently or make me love you any less." He leaned in and gave you a chaste kiss on your lips that pretty much took your breath away and then he pulled back with a cute blush on his face.

"So from now on only listen to me okay and no matter what-" he kisses you again and pulls back a second time "-I will make you look at yourself the way I and so many other people look at you".

Now he's had his fair share of insecurities and he's had a lot of people call him "plain looking" (which I still don't understand how when he's got some of the rarest and most beautiful features) even then those words about his looks have never really got to him.

But when it comes to you, he immediately knows something's up with all those self-deprecating jokes you apparently find to be funny.

Doesn't question you cause he doesn't want to scare you away, also because he trusts you to come to him if something is wrong.

But alas you and your stubborn ass refused to seek help from anyone and instead you chose to cope with yourself by putting yourself down in the form of those awful "jokes".

You've always tried to get yourself to stop this, but it soon became more than a coping mechanism, it was the only way you could hold yourself up without wanting breaking into peices.

That was dangerous.

But it's ok! It's still all fine and dandy until one day everything changes and you realise that all that self-deprecation didn't do shit.

Its Sunday today and you and your boyfriend Izuku have been walking around the shopping plaza for a while now.

The two of you were on a date, but you were also on a hunt for the new all might merch that your boyfriend has been fangirling about since forever. So far there was no luck on your end but y'all weren't about to give up just yet.

"OMG! I think I see it in there!" Izuku squeals cutely while pointing at what looks like a moderately big comic store that had an emo cyber punk looking aesthetic to it.

*Gasp*..."OMG! I think I see it too!! Let's go!!" and with that you grabbed his hand and were dragging your blushy stuttering mess of a boyfriend towards the store. It was adorable how easily he got flustered even after how the two of you were almost half a year into dating.

The two of you finally reached the store and stepped in, there it was the brand new neon tinted holographic Allmight figuring with working layers. Izuku's eyes sparkled as he ran towards it and immediately snatched it off the shelf.

"Yay we finally got it!" You cheered as you walked over to him and gave him a high five. The two of you had bright smiles on your faces as you talked about the figuring and walked towards the counter to pay for it.

You looked towards the counter where a young girl who looked about your age was working as a cashier, she had this bored expression on her face until she saw your boyfriend and it immediately changed into something you could only call as a flirty expression.

"Hey there handsome~ what can I help you with today~" she said in a sultry tone and gave him a wink. You and izuku were both puzzled at the fact that she not only just openly flirted with your boyfriend but also completely ignored your existence.

"U-um....er....we just need this figuring please". Izuku placed the box covered figuring on the counter and was about to pull his hands back when she quickly grabbed them and cupped them with her own hands.

"You sure, how about I give you my number and we ditch this place to go get coffee."

"Um -uh no thank you, I have a s/o!"

"Hmm...I don't see them."

"Well I'm right here and maybe you'd have seen me if you'd stop flirting with your customers and did your job properly." You said and at this point you were seething because even though she knew you were right there, she hadn't spared you a glance and pretend like you were completely invisible.

"Oh, so that's who you are....I was wondering why such an ugly person would be hanging out with someone like him-" she pauses and looks into Izuku's eyes with a bored expression "-you need to raise your standards, I mean have you looked at how hideous their nose is or how ugly their face is."

The two of you froze. Sure You've always made fun of yourself before but this was the exact reason why. You've always told yourself that if you'd make fun of yourself, you'd be desensitized to what others say to you but it's only now you realize that no amount of preparation would ever be enough to handle the real thing.

Shame. Humiliation. Pain. Fear.....This is what you felt at the momen-

"How. Dare. You." You turned towards Izuku and for the first time ever you were met with the most terrifying expression on his face. His eyes were dark and he looked...mad....like really really mad and you froze, the cashier looked like she was about to cry with the look he was giving her.

"I don't know who you think you are but you had no need to say whatever you just said and you are wrong because they have the most gorgeous facial features ever." at this he turned to you and softened his eyes a bit, he reached for your hand and gave you a gentle squeeze.

"I promise you sweetheart, you will always be the most beautiful person in my life and no one can tell you otherwise-" he looked at the slack jawed cashier with disgust and pointed towards her "-not stupid people like her-" he looked back into your eyes like you were the only two people in the store and pointed towards himself "-not me and lastly never will you ever tell yourself those kinds of words again even as a joke, got it."

Always openly staring at you in the most respectful way ✨.

Even before y'all started dating he would always stare at you in secret, but hey! it's not his fault you were so irresistibly attractive all the time.

Uhm...so moving on, he is observant as heck especially when it comes to you but unfortunately he's just as oblivious T_T.

He's always noticed how you'd get shy and walk away whenever he'd stare at you for too long and genuinely thinks it's adorable at how bashful you get.

But truthfully.....you're mortified, paranoid even at how much he stares at you.

I mean yeah it's adorable to see him so whipped for you but you're always wondering if he's secretly bashing your side profile in his head and the thought makes you wince ever single time.

But you always tell yourself to not let your insecurities define Shoto or effect your relationship and besides Shoto isn't a cruel person, he'd never think of you that way.....right...?

Oh God, he's doing it again, he's staring at you and this time it truly is terrible because he is seated right beside you. The two of you are seated wooden chairs, side by side in the U.A. library.

Your textbooks and notebooks are spread out on the table in front of you. You're in a more secluded part of the library opting to study in a more private area and boy oh boy did Shoto take advantage of that.

"Shoto, could you please stop staring at me like that". You held your textbook upto your face and looked the other way.

"But I want to look at you". Shoto pouted slightly and furrowed his brows at your actions, he reached for your wrists and tried to pull them down and to much to your inconvenience, he succeeded.

You see, while you still had a bunch of work left to do, Shoto had finished about 15 minutes ago. You told him to go back to the dorms but instead of listening to you, he denied your offer and has been staring at you with the most unreadable expression on his face.

"Why can't I admire the one that I love the most". He slightly tilted his head towards the side and flashed you the most genuine smile. Damn him for being so adorable but that's not enough for your insecurities to go away.

"Because I'm ugly". You finally said softly with your head hung low and tears threatening to fall. You wanted to shrivel up in a corner and fade away for sounding so vulnerable but at the same time it felt so good to let your thoughts out.

"You're....what..." His eyes were wide and his jaw was set a slack. Now this took him by surprise, he had expected a lot of things but never once had he expected....that. He gently grabbed your chin and tilted your face to meet his. "Love, you're the most beautiful person I've ever met, why would you ever say that."

"Because I'm not beautiful, everyone has such a gorgeous face especially from their side. I don't and you don't have to lie to me to make feel better about myself. I know I'm ugly and I'll always be that....just let me accept that and be Shoto." You said with your voice slightly raised and shaky from the lump in your throat.

Shoto's eyes darkened a little and his grip on you tightened a little but not enough to hurt you. To even think that someone as precious as yourself could ever have such awful thoughts about yourself- how long have you been silently suffering like this all by yourself.

He cupped your cheeks with his hands and met your eyes with the most determined look on his face. "Darling, I don't know who said that to you or even if that's an inside voice but, I will absolutely never let you accept yourself this way."

"Everything about you is perfect, from those gorgeous eyes that i always get lost in," he kisses your eyes.

"-to that perfect nose that helps you breath so you could live by my side another," he kisses your nose.

"-to those delicate beckoning lips that I wish to kiss forever." he finally captures your lips in a breath taking kiss just to slowly release them and look at you.

"And besides, you know better than to call me a liar baby, you know that I would never lie when it comes to you so let's pack up for today and let me show you how much I love you and how utterly enticing you are."

[negasonicimagines]

Love Shouldn't Hurt

trigger warnings: abuse, self-hatred, depression, and any other content warnings that come with the Deadpool franchise

request: Love love love your fics!! Can you please do one where Reader is a human and Ellie saves her from an abusive relationship and they fall in love?

notes: this was… a hard one to write. as someone who’s experienced abuse on a few different levels from a partner, you aren’t alone. you may feel like no one else would’ve loved you before, and that no one else will love you after what you’ve been through, but they will. if you’re struggling with abuse, please reach out to someone, anyone. even me, if you really don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you know. it can and will get better. things might not be okay now, but they will be. you are so loved.

i modified the request a bit, i hope that’s ok. i just adore a good best friends-to-lovers piece. sorry for the cheesy title, but i hope y'all are glad i'm semi-back. trying to write more since i'm in a better place and this is a good creative outlet for me.

synopsis: Ellie’s thrilled to return to her hometown after her senior year at Xavier’s is complete. She’s most excited to see you again. But, what happens when you aren’t the you she knows and (secretly) loves?

Ellie’s favorite part about coming home in the summer is seeing you.

Maybe that’s wrong; maybe she should be excited to see her family, or to be back in her own room, or to be away from the chaos at Xavier’s…

But it’s true.

This time, though, as you come out of your house (next door to hers, the only perk of living in suburbia is that you’re so close) you don’t skip along like you used to. Your smile is… Different.

“Hey, Ellie,” you say, and even your voice sounds different. Normally you’re grinning like an idiot, brimming with a puppy dog disposition that acts as a foil to her catlike aloofness. At the risk of sounding like a creepy teenage boy, where’s her hug?

“Are you okay?’ she blurts.

“Yeah, of course,” you laugh it off, your fake smile growing wider. You don’t wanna tell her? Odd. The two of you had drifted apart over this last school year, more than usual. It was normal for one or both of you to get carried away with your studies or other friends and forget to respond to a text every once in a while, so she hadn’t thought much of it. She knew once summer came, you two would fall right back into your routine of slumber parties nearly every night, catching up on all the crazy shit that’s happened in your lives during your time apart and making some more crazy shit happen together.

“...Okay,” Ellie decides to respond. Your phone vibrates, and you flinch, instantly pulling it out and quickly texting back. Your fingers are like lightning. You quickly lock your phone and slip it back into your pocket.

“How’ve you been?” you ask her. “How are things with Yukio?”

“Oh, we broke up almost as soon as we started fucking dating. Thought we’d work out as more, but decided pretty quickly that we were better off as just friends. Our future plans didn’t really line up, among other things. Other than that, I’ve been pretty good.”

“That makes sense,” you say, but you sound even more tense. “Uh, if we happen to run into Vivien, can you not tell her that? She’s the jealous type, and she knows we’re close, so…”

Ellie feels an odd twinge at that, more than just jealousy. Her mom always told her she had good intuition, so she presses further.

“How are things with you two?” she wonders.

“Oh, just great! She really is the best, words aren’t enough to describe it,” you answer enthusiastically, but it still feels so… Off. Maybe it is just jealousy making Ellie feel awkward. Envy was always her worst sin, coveting what she can’t; what she shouldn’t have. You’re her best friend, you always have been. It would probably end like it did with Yukio, burning fast and bright, but once the initial excitement is over… It’s over.

“That’s awesome,” Ellie says. “So, what were you thinking of doing today?”

“Oh, uh, whatever you want is fine,” you chirp.

“Breadstix?”

“They don’t have a lot of vegan options,” you remind her.

“You like it, though. I’ll cope.”

“But-”

“No ‘buts,’” she insists. “I don’t know why you like that place so much, the breadsticks they’re named for are pure shit, but I’ll just cope and get a salad.”

“Last time you ordered it, they put cheese on it, even though-”

“I remember. I’ll just send it back again, it’s not a big deal,” she insists once more. “Why are you arguing so much? It’s your favorite local place that isn’t fast food.”

You sigh.

“Fine, let’s go,” you cave, letting her pull you along to her car. You sit in the passenger seat, buckling your seatbelt as she starts it. She buckles her own, passing you her phone. You look at it as if it’s a foreign object.

“You always pick the music. What’s with you?”

“Have you ever considered that maybe I don’t like making all the decisions all of the time?” you bite back.

Ellie stammers, not sure how to respond.

“Hangry, huh?” She decides that must be the reason for your change in attitude. It’s already eleven, and you’re an earlier bird than she is. You likely skipped breakfast knowing the two of you would be eating when you hung out. She takes her phone back and just picks one of your playlists on Spotify.

You’re quiet on the short drive there, and it makes Ellie feel even more uneasy. Your chatter-- which she usually pretends is meaningless to her --is sorely missed.

You’re texting again, intently focused on the screen as if the task is difficult.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I said that I’m fine,” you quickly answer, locking your phone again and tucking it back in your pocket.

“I’ll drop it for now, but… If something was wrong, you’d tell me, right?” Ellie asks.

“Yeah, of course,” you agree, but she doesn’t feel better.

“Cool,” she replies, parking outside of the restaurant. The two of you get out, it’s early in the lunch rush so you’re still able to be seated pretty quickly. Your drinks arrive just as swiftly, and Ellie catches you texting with that determined expression on your face again. “Seriously. What’s going on?”

“Just Vivien. She wanted to hang out today, but I didn’t know that until I told her I was gonna be with you. She’s just a little disappointed.”

“Well, she can join us, I’m sure-”

“No, no, it’s really alright,” you quickly reassure her. “I- These days, I don’t really spend time with anybody but her. I’m surprised she even let me- That came out wrong, she-”

As you continue to stumble over your words, the pieces continue to fall into place for Ellie, brows knitting closer and closer together.

“Is she hurting you?” Ellie asks. Xavier’s sex education isn’t just about the mechanics, it’s a pretty progressive class. They had a whole unit on abuse. Ellie’s pretty sure she’s seeing signs of it right now.

“No, of course not! I mean, every relationship has its challenges, but-”

“She is, isn’t she? Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“‘Cause I knew you’d look at me like that,” you sigh, giving up on the lie.

“Like what?”

“Like… That. So disappointed in how pathetic I turned out to be. I mean, you’re Negasonic Teenage Warhead, for fuck’s sake, I… It must be so- I-”

“Hey, hey, no, that’s not it at all. I’m disappointed in myself, I should’ve fucking known something was wrong, I mean, I did, the second you came out of your house, but before that… I should’ve checked on you more. I’m- I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault I let it get this bad. She- She’s just- When it’s good, it’s good, y’know, but- I don’t know. I love her.”

“Those PSAs are right, though. Love shouldn’t hurt.”

“It always does,” you murmur, and you give her a meaningful look. If only she knew what the meaning of it was.

“Well, it shouldn’t,” Ellie insists. You’re picking at your pasta. You usually inhale it. Ellie almost asks what’s wrong, but she knows what it is. She’s sure Vivien’s taken every opportunity to break you down. “Eat, please. Or it’ll be a waste of my money.”

“Who said that you’re paying? You don’t even like this place.”

“I said I’m paying. Making a decision so that you don’t have to make them, isn’t that what you complained about earlier?”

You sigh in defeat, eating an actual bite instead of just twirling it around on your fork.

Ellie digs into her salad, she can’t help but fondly smile at you despite the situation. She’s missed you so much.

“When are you gonna do it?” she asks.

“Do what?” you wonder, as if you’ve forgotten the context of the question.

“Leave her.”

“I can’t,” you quickly say, but Ellie still catches a fearful tremor.

“Why not?”

“There’s nobody else. I mean, yeah, you and I are still friends, but… When you reject so many offers to hang out, people stop asking. They stop talking to you altogether, eventually. And… She’s the only person who’s ever wanted me, y’know? And now she’s the only one who ever will.”

“That’s not true,” Ellie says.

“It is.”

“It’s not, I swear,” Ellie insists. “I- You’re gonna need some time to heal, after everything, but… I do.”

“You’re just saying that. There’s no way, after all these years, that you finally-“ you stop yourself.

“Finally?” Ellie asks.

“That you finally love me the way I love you.”

“You mean…? I just thought… I’ve loved you just as long, but I thought you only saw me as a friend, and I didn’t wanna ruin that. The way things went with Yukio just reinforced that- That fear.”

You nod.

“Well, I guess that settles it. You’ll- I’ll call her. I can’t do it in person, she’ll… Y’know.”

“I know,” she gently responds.

You call Vivien.

“Hey, I… I can’t do this anymore. Us.”

You flinch. Ellie can hear the sounds. The yelling. And then the crying. And then the yelling again.

“I mean it. You’re right, you can do better, so… Go do better. We’re not good for each other,” you say with a shaky sigh. “Mhm. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I know. I know. It’s not like that. Yeah. Goodbye, Vivien.”

“I’m proud of you,” Ellie says softly, and you just scoff, rolling your eyes before you sink your teeth in your bottom lip. You cover your mouth. “Hey, hey, you’re gonna be okay.”

“Will I?”

“Yeah. I might be ‘Negasonic Teenage Warhead,’ but you’re Y/N. Twice as strong without the annoyingly long codename.”

“Yeah, right,” you scoff again, eyes watering. “I just- I just don’t know why I wasn’t good enough.”

“You’re perfect, she’s just… Some people just don’t… It’s hard to explain. I have a- He’s not my friend, I can’t believe I almost said that, thank the fuckin’ lord he didn’t hear me… I know a guy who deals with those kinds of people. He told me that most of them, they… They don’t ever change. Maybe they could, with help, but due to the ego that makes them abusive in the first place, they’re never gonna get that help. The world’s better off without them. There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

“That- That makes sense,” you admit. “I just wish we lived in a world where love was enough.”

“Me too,” Ellie sighs, and you take a sip of your drink. She mirrors your action, realizing that she’s actually quite thirsty. The two of you finish your brunch in a heavy silence. It feels like you both should be talking, but nothing feels right to say. That’s okay, though, Ellie’s just missed you so much. As depressing as the current mood is, there’s a bit of hope. You’ll be back to your regular self eventually; a stronger, more mature version, and Ellie will be there to shower you with the respect and affection you deserve when you’re ready.

[greekbros]

"greek-Bros: The Return of an Old Enemy"

Chapter 3: The Hunt Begins

As the wolf attacks continue throughout Greece, Olypmus's greatest huntress is hot on the trail of the beasts. Artemis, goddess of the hunt, the moon and Apollo's twin sister, had been following a trail of destruction from the 'wolves' since her first sighting in Delos, where she witnessed a pack of these 'wolves' dragging a man into a cave alive. This behavior was not something wolves do on a normal bases. She understood these things were strong, sizable animals that have been seen mostly at night. These were definitely something worth hunting down. Her search had recently taken her to forest near Mount Parnassus on the other side of Delphi, where she has found fresh tracks.

Hours had passed and all she could find was what looked to be the foot prints of something. It looked like elongated wolf prints with human like features, a small curve of the middle food, a mild arch and the depth of the print heavily betrayes the size and weight of these creatures. "....this....this can't right?" She muttered. She walked along the trail to measure the gait, to her surprise, the prints were longer than the gait of an average wolf and closely matched a human's stride. Artemis could also notice that the tracks didn't just have the trailings of quadripetal animals, but some of the track having only landed bipedal steps. This perplexed her, there hasn't been any beast she has encountered like this, a bipedal wolf? "What are these things? Is...this someone's idea of a sick joke?" She again muttered, "these can't be natural....even so....who would go out of their way to do this to an animal?". She continued on, trekking through brush and dense forest, to find more information on these....anomalies.

Artemis felt a deep sense of dread inside of her, the more information she gathered, only worsened the feeling; the fur she found had human hair entangled with it, she counted five claws instead of four for every marked tree and she traces of tattered clothes from people who've already disappeared. Nothing about this made any sense.

She could feel a chill down her spine, could have been someone or something watching her? Grabbing her bow and unquivering an arrow, ready to lock on to whatever was triggering her senses. She readied herself, preparing for what could possibly her end, aiming at what she felt was-"~hello" Hermes appeared next her ear startling her nearly to death, making her let go of her arrow that shot out somewhere off into the distance, with a yelp following closely after.

Artemis understandably, currently wanted to strangle Hermes, thus proceeded to do so. "YOU LITTLE BASTARD I COULD HAVE KILLED YOU OR WORSE THAT ARROW WOULD HAVE RICOCHET TO SOMEWHERE ELSE DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT COULD THAT MEAN!" she angrily screamed at him while grabbing him by the collar, shaking him violently.

As he was being shooken like a rag doll, "iM sOrRy I dIdNt KnOw!" Hermes tried to apologise.

As Artemis continued to teach Hermes a valuable lesson in "Archery Range Safety", it dawned on her that she heard something make a noise. She stopped for a few seconds and looked towards where she heard the sound.

"um.... Artemis?.....ugh what's wrong?" He asked. Hermes could see the focused stare Artemis was giving.

".... Hermes....did you hear something when I shot that arrow?" Artemis asked, she slowly let him go and side stepped to the direction of the where see saw the arrow go.

Hermes kneeled there, looking at Artemis do her thing, tilting his head in curiosity, he stands up quickly to follow hoping to see a glimpse of what could she be looking at. "Ugh..." He quietly exclaimed.

"SHUSH." She replied, as she walked to a bush between two trees, her expression was that of horrified discovery. "...by the...gods." were the only words she could muster to say.

Hermes scrambles to get a closer look, he lays eyes on what Artemis was looking at, just as horrified as his sister, he couldn't believe his eyes. "...it's...ugh..it's a wolf in people's clothing?" He loudly thought. He couldn't help but stare at the sight.

The two were looking at what appeared to be an amalgamation of a man and wolf, with clawed hands and feet, wearing what looked like tattered clothes from your average man, a short tuff for a tail and with Artemis's arrow through it's mouth as if it was shot mid scream. The creature was dead, purely out of dumb unfortunate luck it seemed to have been in the arrow's direction.

Inspite of Hermes's coping mechanism of joking about the situation, she knew this must have been what Zeus was worried about...."is...this Lycaon?......you know, that story he would tell us before bed. I knew it was a real story...but....this...is.. something else" she asked. Her mind was running with questions, she was aware Zeus had only done this to one person, could he have embellished his story?

Hermes looked at her with confusion, "um...well...if it was...he'd be...I don't know...dead...don't you think?" He again joked. "I mean he's dead but it's a little overkill don't you think?", Hermes was on a roll.

Artemis glared at Hermes, unamused, "yeah...but....dad said sometimes....when gods curse people, sometimes they can out live other mortals to get more out of the curse....but....this...thing is...." she gets a closer look at examines the body, "this... whatever it is...is actually around 20 years old" she estimated.

"Wait what?" He questioned.

"...and he probably lived as a fisherman, I mean he's got some rough looking paws but I know rope burns when I see them" she continued.

"sto-stop stop stop....you can tell all THAT?" He questioned even further, not believing Artemis could guess all that.

Artemis turns to him and shows the corpse's pawish hand, showing deep scars on it's palms. "Ugh yeah duh. I can 'read' you know. Reading isn't just book smarts you know." She scoffed. "ANYWAY. We need to tell dad about this." She took the arrow from the mouth of the beast man, carefully not to cut her skin on it's teeth. "It has some nasty teeth....is that....venom?" She looked at the bloody drool, it had a mild blueish color to it. Looking at her arrow she just freed from the corpse, she felt that she need to wrap it in something to prevent anyone touching whatever toxic saliva it had.

Hermes, busy watching Artemis, didn't notice the movement of the previously deceased man-beast's foot twitching. "So, who's going to bring the dead weight to dad? Cus well...I don't want to... touch...-" he slowly became distracted at the increasing movement of the body. "HEY Artemis I think you missed a vitals spot." He shakingly warned her. The body started to growl, twitching to stimulate more movement and twist it's previously stiffened neck, eyeing the two gods ferociously.

Artemis finishing off wrapping the arrow now looks up at the reanimating creature. Steps back, puts the arrow away and gets out a new one in a matter of seconds. She shoots an arrow at it, but the creature catches it in its claws and crushes it. It coughs up a little blood and stands up to roar at the two.

"KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT! " Hermes shouted, he was so terrified at the sight he actually was in shock and didn't move, for the first time in his life, he actually felt a little bit helpless.

As fast Artemis could reload her bow, the creature dodged and avaded every arrow she shot out. Having had fun with the two, the beast fleds on all fours into the thick forest howling triumphantly, escaping two of Olympus's fastest gods. "HERMES WHAT THE HELL! Why didn't do anything!" She yelled at him only to find his shaking, "Hermes are you ok?" She asked.

Hermes, still shaking, nods his head 'yes' and does a solute. Clearly, he isn't ok, but he survived and assumingly that is all that matters. "yeah. I'm fine." He lied knowing damn well that a wolf person coming back from the dead when it should have died from what clearly a "in-mouth headshot".

Artemis decides to help Hermes and embrace him in hopes of making him feel better, or in her own consolation, to get him to stop shaking before he faints. "It's ok buddy, it wasn't that bad." Pats his back, "but I'm going to kick your ass later for not helping." She tenderly assured. "We need to find dad.... he'll know what to do.... at least I hope he know about THIS." she hissed.

End of Chapter 3

[blue-haired-grace]

Hey friend!!! For the OC asks there were sooo many good ones! For these you can do a specific member of spark squad, a mix, or all of them. Happy to learn additional info about any of them ❤️

14, 17, 23/24(these two are similar, whichever inspires you), 30, 35, 36, 40

Ok that was still a lot, whichever you have inspiration on feel free to answer! I was thrilled when you mentioned me in this one and am excited to see what you come up with!! ☺️

Okay, so I tag you in an ask game so you can ask me questions, and then I take forever to respond. I’m sorry, Jay; I really did mean to get to this sooner.

To make up for this, and because I like torturing myself, I’m gonna answer these questions for all of Spark Squad, except Duke (‘cause he do be dead :'( ).

I know most other people don’t really care about Spark Squad, so due to that and length, I’ll be putting this under the cut so it doesn’t clog up the dashboards of others.

14. Does your OC do anything, “just for aesthetic”? Or are they completely practical in everything?

Ghost: He’s actually the most practical, in this case, out of the four of them. He spent a lot of time being weighed down by his insecurities, so he spent a long time trying to catch-up to his squad and didn’t really consider himself to have time for anything else.

Morale: He’s in the middle of the spectrum, although he leans more towards being practical. He’s just not so much into doing something purely for aesthetic; he can go for it if the others convince him, though.

Pillow/Throwpillow: He’s also in the middle of the spectrum; he just tends to lean more towards doing something just for aesthetic. He can be freaking dramatic when he wants to be.

Sketch: This surprises a lot of people, but Sketch is the most likely to do something purely for aesthetic. He likes to sketch and, on good days, would even consider himself an artist. He knows how to balance it with practicality, though.

17. How prepared is your OC? Ready for the worst no matter what or completely lost in every situation? Would they have a medkit when it was needed? Would they have an umbrella if it rains?

Honestly, these guys have been trained since birth to be the best soldiers possible. They are all extremely prepared for the worst to happen in most situations. If I had to give a situation where each one of them would be the most likely to be completely lost:

Pillow/Throwpillow: Emotional problems

Sketch: Not being in control

Morale: When he can’t find a positive in a bad situation

Ghost: When his insecurities of not being good enough get the best of him.

23. What is the most annoying sound to your OC? What’s the most pleasant? Is there any reason?

Sketch: He loves the sound of pencil on paper, or whatever the equivalent is in the Star Wars universe. Art and drawing relaxes him and it has given him many great memories. The most annoying sound would be rain. Once when he was younger, one of his pictures ended up outside in the torrential rain of Kamino and it was completely destroyed. As he picked up his picture and stared the ruins, all he could hear was the rain pounding around him.

Pillow/Throwpillow: Pillow on the other hand loves the sound of the rain. He hates quietness and it fills him with a sense of dread; the sound of rain prevents utter silence much of the time. He hates the sound of crying, though. Most of the time, he doesn’t know how to help a brother when they’re crying so he just lets them use him as a pillow and hopes for the best.

Morale: Like Pillow, he hates the sound of crying, although for different reasons. It usually means that a brother has gotten lost in their negative emotions, so they’re no longer trying to see the best in a situation. Since Morale is a mostly optimistic person, it hurts him to hear this sound (he’s better at dealing with it than Pillow). On the reverse, the sound of laughter is his favourite. It fills him with joy to hear proof that his brothers are happy and he’d do many things to get them to laugh.

Ghost: Honestly, Ghost hates constant noise. It overwhelms him and makes him want to scream. This can extend to the rain on Kamino, the snoring of brothers at night, and much more. He’s learned how to use this noise to his advantage, though, and it has made it easier for him to slip into the background unnoticed. He didn’t really get a favourite sound until he was in the Coruscant Guard, which was the sound of a massiff barking in joy. He found that he really likes these guys.

24. What smells bring back specific memories to your OC? What are those memories like?

Sketch: As orderly and organized as he is, he loathes the smell of something being absolutely clean or sterile. It reminds him too much of Kamino and the room he was in as they took Duke away. On the other hand, he loves the smell of nature. It reminds of the one time he was on a planet other than Kamino or Coruscant; he always wanted to get more missions off world.

Pillow/Throwpillow: The smell of paint does it for him. He doesn’t really have another smell that brings back memories; it’s just not something he focuses on. The smell of paint reminds him of when he was first allowed to paint his armour in Coruscant Guard red. This is overall a happy memory, but it’s mixed with how much he originally hated being assigned to the Coruscant Guard.

Morale: The smell of blood triggers a lot of memories for Morale. It reminds him of injuries on Kamino, injuries while in the Guard, having a knife slit his throat during a mission. Another smell is just that of a brother. It reminds him of hugs, cuddle piles, etc. Very fond memories for him…Though they become a bit bittersweet later on. :)

Ghost: The smell of alcohol reminds Ghost of 79’s; it’s not very pleasant for him to think about, which will be elaborated upon in your other ask. ;) He loves the smell of shampoo. It’s related to taking care of his hair, which is very relaxing to him.

30. What topics does your OC know the most about? Are these obvious or would these be surprising to others?

Sketch: Unsurprisingly, Sketch knows a lot about art, especially when he gets to Coruscant and can learn even more. Sketch is probably the most predictable out of his brothers, due to putting himself in the role of the older brother for so long.

Ghost: The first topic he knows a lot about is hair care. This isn’t really a surprise since his hair is so long; everyone just assumes he would have to know a lot to take care of it. The topic that no one really expects of him is animals. When he got to Coruscant, Ghost discovered he liked a lot of animals more than most people, so he promised himself he would learn everything about them that he could.

Morale: Like Sketch, Morale is pretty predictable as he is the designated youngest brother out of them. This tends to lead to people underestimating him and his knowledge though, so he has that advantage over Sketch. Not really surprising anyone, once reaching Coruscant, he tried educating himself as much as he could on mental health and coping mechanisms. Before on Kamino, it was mostly just empty words, regardless of how much he wanted to help. Something that surprised others was, after his throat was slit, how interested in medical knowledge he became. If something like that ever happened to a brother without a medic nearby, he wanted to be able to help. It actually helped him control his bad reactions to the smell of blood, as well.

Pillow/Throwpillow: With how much he enjoys being active, it’s not really a surprise how much he knows about fighting, weapons, exercise, etc. Something that surprised everyone, himself included, is how much he enjoyed learning about the foods in different cultures. It all started when he was guarding a senator and saw the food of their home world.

35. How easily does your OC get attached to things? Does everything have a sentimental value to them, or do they see nothing as more valuable than its practical use? What about with people/animals?

Sketch: Beyond art supplies and the pictures he draws, Sketch doesn’t really place sentimental value on objects. He’s also pretty neutral towards animals. He does get pretty attached towards people though, especially younger brothers. Once he had gotten settles into the Guard and was no longer a shiny, younger brothers began to notice the aura of “big brother” around him.

Pillow/Throwpillow: Other than pictures given to him by Sketch, Pillow doesn’t really value objects beyond its practical use. He doesn’t care much for animals, but he gives them a chance for Ghost. The same can be said for his relationship with people, too. He gets along with others, but he doesn’t get overly attached to people outside of his squad; he has to people in his squad, he doesn’t need anyone else.

Ghost: Like Pillow, the pictures Sketch gives him are really the only objects he gives sentimental value to. Once he gets to Coruscant, though, there is another object he gets attached to: a stuffed massiff. He gets really attached to animals. He feels they understand him better than most people. With people, he doesn’t really get attached. Despite growing up with them, it still took him a while to warm up to his squad. He’ll be polite and kind, but it would be way too long for him to become attached to someone outside of his squad.

Morale: Out of them all, he becomes the most attached to objects. He’s good at letting them go though, because, you know, Kamino. He likes animals, but it takes him a while to become attached to one. Morale very easily attaches himself to other people. He finds it the easiest to become friends with other and he feels every loss very deeply

36. How stubborn is your OC? Are they easily convinced of the opposite opinion, do they not agree but let it happen anyways? Or do they cause conflicts with their inability to budge in their decisions?

Sketch: He is the most stubborn. We haven’t really gotten to see it yet, but being in the position of older brother for so long and always being the one they went to when they needed help, not having that control was extremely weird when he was in the Coruscant Guard. It would actually cause a bit of trouble early on, but he worked on it.

Pillow/Throwpillow: He has a difficult time considering the emotions and conditions of others, so he tends to stick to his decision regardless of the consequences. It has caused trouble with his inability to change his mind, but he’s getting better at reflecting.

Morale: Morale would probably be the third most stubborn. This comes with his need to not be seen as weak, considering he classified as the youngest. This was also amplified when Duke died.

Ghost: He’s the least stubborn. Due to his insecurities during training, he spent so long changing his mind and tactics to get better. There are a few situations where he sticks to his guns, though, particularly when a brother is needlessly putting themselves down.

40. Are there any habits your OC has picked up from people around them? Do they know where they’re from? Does your OC try to stop themselves from doing it?

Sketch: He picked up the habit of using the Commander Voice. He picked this up from Fox, who he did look up to a lot in terms of work and dedication. He tries to stop himself from using it in the presence of superior officers, but will use it when people trust him to lead.

Ghost: Talking to the massiffs in the Guard. He picked this up from Sergeant Hound. He loves the massiffs and it doesn’t hurt anyone, so he keeps doing it.

Pillow/Throwpillow: The only habit he’s picked up is snapping his fingers when he calls someone over to him. He got this from one of the asshole senators he spent a lot of time around. He tries to stop himself from doing this.

Morale: He started tapping his foot when he gets anxious, something he picked up from Pillow. He doesn’t try to stop himself from doing this because his brothers find it hilarious. He picked up the habit of the Medic Voice and Look because when he was learning about medical knowledge, he would go to the medics and spent a lot of time around them. He tries to stop himself from doing this because he feels like he’s intruding on their job. Unbeknownst to him, the medics are laughing their asses of whenever he uses them on a brother and it terrifies them into going to see a medic.

Holy hell, is this was long enough? xD Thanks to anyone who stuck around with me for the ride. Hope you enjoy these, Jay! <3

From this ask game!

[drfitzmonster]

"does grieving the person i am not interfere with accepting the person i am?" god this is the question ive been asking myself. i feel so acutely the pain youre talking about. i started therapy a few months ago and its like been so rough. cause i started feeling again which ik is good long run. but all im feeling is pain. and mourning my trauma. and whats that line between healthy mourning and spiraling into the depression and devastation of it? sometimes i miss the numb but ig that was worse too

also god how can you articulate my exact self so specifically? yeah. everytime someone comments on my appearance, if its my weight or lack of makeup or my clothing choices that dont fit their idea of ‘woman’ i get so mad bc its on purpose. ik its prob not the healthy response but after all my trauma and having my body taken away from me before i had words for it and then yrs later again when i knew exactly what was happening. like this is my only defense. and then im made to feel ashamed for it

and your right. cause it doesnt work. bc at the end of the day nothing we do to change our appearance will stop a monster. bc it was never about us or what we looked like. and thats validating and reassuring. but also devastating and terrifying. and how do you heal from something like that? where do we take back control in a healthy way ya know? ..ahh sorry this is my sad ramble, ignore me im sorry. shoulda just said im sending you a hug (i am if thats ok) instead of expounding in your inbox.

–

hey there friend. you don’t have to apologize for sharing your feelings with me. while it breaks my heart that other people have been through the same kinds of trauma i have, and are hurting, it also does help me feel less alone. we cannot change what happened to us, we’ll never be able to erase that. so i think one of the most important and healing things we can do for ourselves and for each other is reach out and share our experiences with people we trust, and just be there for each other, support each other, even if it’s just to listen or say “i understand how you feel.”

learning to let yourself feel again is really hard. it’s so overwhelming at first, and so painful and it can be so agonizing. but it gets easier, bit by bit. you start feeling positive things too, you start building connections with people again, or rebuilding connections with people you’ve isolated yourself from. you feel alive, and you even start to feel good sometimes. you start having good moments, happy moments, and sometimes even good days.

but it’s rough and hard work. you started therapy a few months ago, you’re still at the beginning of the recovery process, which is the hardest. i’m really glad you’re seeing a therapist. i’ve been seeing my current therapist for over two years and i would not have been able to make nearly as much progress if it had not been for her help, and the help of my friends and chosen family, and the support of all the kind and caring people i’ve met here and through my writing.

i’m not sure exactly where the line is between healthy mourning and unhealthy obsessing, but mourning is a vital part of the healing process. i think that it may be something your therapist can give you some guidance on, how to grieve in a healthy way that does not interfere with you moving forward in your recovery.

there’s a quote from rilke’s letters to a young poet that had a really big impact on me and how i think about my own trauma recovery:

“If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better. In you, dear Mr. Kappus, so much is happening now; you must be patient like someone who is sick, and confident like someone who is recovering; for perhaps you are both. And more: you are also the doctor, who has to watch over himself. But in every sickness there are many days when the doctor can do nothing but wait. And that is what you, insofar as you are your own doctor, must now do, more than anything else.”

we are patients and doctors at the same time, that is, we have to take care of ourselves to facilitate our own healing. sometimes our job is to just make it through the day. to let ourselves feel whatever we are feeling, to accept and acknowledge those feelings, because this is what enables us to let them go, and to move forward. i have learned from experience that fighting our feelings doesn’t work. trying to disallow ourselves from feeling whatever it is that we are feeling only makes things worse. we get stuck in conflict, stuck in the exact feelings we don’t want to be having. it is better to let ourselves feel, even when it is painful, even when it is confusing and unpleasant and upsetting.

try not to worry too much about whether the things you have done to protect yourself are healthy or not. they’ve helped you survive this far, and as you progress in your recovery you will learn new healthy ways to cope with your trauma, and you will let go of some of the coping mechanisms you’ve used in the past. some will always remain, and that’s ok.

i hope this is helpful or reassuring in some way. thank you for sharing your feelings with me i really do appreciate your openness and honesty. i hope you have a good day today and i wish you all the luck with your recovery. 💗💗💗

[semi-imaginary-place]

fe3h blogging 1

spoilers

Sorry blue lions. It was between eagles and deer for me. 

ch3: Well OK. The church is now using me as their personal political assassin are they?  

Fe3h fav characters so far: Tomas: knowledge grandpa! And one of the few I trust  Gatekeeper: my pure boy. On the topic of trust. You know who I don't trust? Claude. He always angling for something. Always digging for secrets never revealing his own

I didn't think I'd like Raphael so much but I do. He's so good natured. He always wants to help and even when the other kids are mean to him. His only response is more kindness. Like oh youre kinda grumpy right now how about a snack. Like a human shaped golden retriever. Full of love and very food motivated. As much as he's a complete musclehead, his emotional/social intelligence is pretty high. He just wants to make friends. Let Raphhael have friends!  

Guess who chose golden deerI was considering black eagle. But everyone did black eagle. I can go on youtube later. I haven't gotten it but on youtube is lorenz and sylvain's c and b supports and they are hilarious

I found japanese audio of fe3h and it just really hit me that Sylvain belongs in an otome game. I mean his character design (hair color, hair style etc.) and the way he acts is already... eh. But then his japanese voice actor... and its giving me this mental dissonance. Especially aince I've seen the character artist doing utapri, samflam, and other stuff.

weeho spoiled myself on supports: Everyday I grow less and less convinced of Sylvain's heterosexuality. Does he even like women?? He's just emotionally manipulating them as a self destructive coping mechanism because he has self worth issues.  So he presents himself as the superficial stuff like social status and then gets insecure and accuses them of only dating him for status. He's setting himself up for failure. And each tine reinforces his belief that he is nothing but his crest and family. Look at this disaster boy 

knowledge grandpa no! I trusted you and I trust so few people. I wonder if it was real Tomas who first joined but an impostor who rejoined a year ago

List of potential immortals: Jeralt, Rhea, Flayn. There are multiple mentions of Jeralt not seeming to age, he looked the same over 30 years ago. Rhea looks suspiciously like Saint Seiros and was archbishop 20 years ago. Flayn act both young and old and won’t give me her age. That said now that its revealed in the paraloge that Seteth is her dad, maybe not secretly an immortal so much as magical bloodline. Also Seiros, Rhea, Sothis, and Flayn are all related somehow. The green hair doesn’t help. And Byleth is somehow involved. I thought byleth might be part of the immortal gang but mom’s grave stone said she died at age 20 so byleth was born at the church like 20-21 years ago

support thoughts: Are all of huberts c supports just him insulting people?? each and every day I fall more in love with Dorothea. her support with Ferdinand where she straight up says she hates him, the voice acting on that! Lorenz and Ferdinand was hilarious. This is why you get bullied. Lorenz and Sylvain was also funny. Not a big fan of Bernadetta. 

Ok so update on the green haired tinfoil hatting: Flayn related to the saint cetholynn????? somehow and definitely real old.

end of part 1

Thinking back the crests and church(seiros/saints) are what turn people into demonic beasts. there are beasts with crest stones in their heads, in Remire villiage they tried to turn people using Flayn’s blood, and later succeeded. Flame emperor is using the church’s abilities against it. Also Rhea’s been seeking to replicate... something Seiros maybe?? (or more someone.. someone who was precious to her) by ripping the hearts out of babies and putting in a special one??? Rhea seem desperate, but I’m not sure what (or whom) she is desperate for. turning Byleth into Seiros??? There is a ... tension is her, like she is on the edge of snapping. And what was she trying to achieve there in the tomb before she was interrupted. For being “holy” relics, they sure are ominous looking. and they turn people into monsters. The whole church is sketch honestly. The propaganda and censorship campaigns. The crushing of any that are a threat under the language of sin and justice.

So Edelgard went full supervillian. Wow. And Rhea was the immaculate one huh (still don’t know what that means), here I was theory crafting that she was a reincarnated Seiros or something. Edelgard is like a worse Alm, she wants to rid humanity of dragons ruling over them and install a meritocracy. Her methods though are !!!!! yikes. I mean any reign that starts with “kill all that resist” can’t lead to anything good. Also out of 10 siblings only 1 didn’t die of illness or go mad. hmmmn where have I heard that before.

That said I do agree with her goal. I love it when I can take down a religious institution in a videogame.

At Garreg Mach her whole plan in to brute force it. Like if we just keep throwing enough lives at it we are bound to win. Admittedly I know nothing of military strategy, but that doesn’t sound like the best plan.

Interesting the differences between routes. In Edelgard’s church allied with feargus, while in Claude’s the Church lost significant power and Edelgard successfully incited a coup, but why did the Empire give up Garreg Mach as a strategic position? 

My baby deer are all grown up. And yup another mark in the Flayn is some immortal being, her sprite didn’t change at all. Totally in favor of stealing everyone from the other houses.

Who wore it better Part 1 or 2

Edelgard: 2. I mean p1 Edelgard was already best dressed but p2 takes it to a new level

Dimitri: 2. I mean p1′s hair is so goofy looking I just have to choose the edgelord

Claude: both. Claude looks fine so matter the time

Hubert: 2. He really did grow into the goth look

Petra: 1. Both are good but I love the huge braid

Lindhart: 1. p2 isn’t bad but I like the two layers look

Dorothea: 2. but both are good

Caspar: 2. Something about p1 always bothered me

Ferdinand: 2. His character model looks better than his sprite, and his hair is so luscious and flowing!

Bernadetta: 2. its just a mess is p1, v cute in p2

Dudue: 2. what is even going on in p1. where as p2 is like... elegant

Sylvain: 1. as much as I teased about him belonging in an otome game, his p2 haircut is just ugly

Ingrid: 1. mmmm its fluffy?

Felix: 1. What is his p2 hair even doing??? it makes me confused

Mercedes: 1. Fluffy.

Annette: 2. never was a fan of the hair loopies

Ashe: both. p1 is cute but p2 is beautiful. both are sooo good

Hilda: 2. p1 pigtails kinda boring

Raphael: 1. though p2 its a shaggy dog

Leonie: 1. another fluffy head, p2′s low pony tail does not give a flattering shape

Ignatz: 2. a bowl cut is an improvment from whatever p1 is

Lysithea: 2. not sue about the veil but it is more intersting than p1

Marianne: 1. I always did prefer thick bangs

Lorenz: 2. its definitely p2. in p1 he looks like such a clown

Cyril: 2. Honestly he kept the baby face so there’s not much difference.

Claude sees that under Rhea the church enforced a doctrine that locked in the status quo of nobles and crests and he wants to chage the church’s influence to promote tolerance, diversity, and open mindedness. but, hey. Hey. What if we got rid of the church all together.

Why can’t I recruit the old general... hey. Hey!

Aww Claude introduced me to his second mom and dad

So the more people you can recruit the less painful things are. I’m a little disappointed I didn’t get to kill Dimitri.

In terms of characters, Ferdinand has surprisingly grown on me. As for Caspar I shocks me occasionally how uncaring he is about killing people. He reminds me of a smt chaos hero with the whole might equals right thing. As long as he decides they are evil its ok to kill them. Now all he needs to do is get possessed by a demon. Eating away at him from the inside out. Ashe as always continues to be an absolute angel. I need somewhere to gush about how cool Claude looks in him final class promotion. So I rather like the group of childhood friends dimitri, felix, sylvain, ingrid. And it always trips me uo to remember that sylvain is like 2 years older than the rest because he really doesn't act like it. I'm getting that they are all traumatized from the death of felix's brother. A lot of the characters have had pretty bad childhoods.I was surprised to find out that Lysithea was tortured as a child like ok wow. I need to spend more time with you. Does Dimitri have PTSD? Golden Deer has had quite a few goofy hijinks. Marianne's character growth really has been a a thing of beauty, I’m so proud of her. But I love my oddball bunch of misfits. How did Dedue not get found out??? He’s very noticeable. and Claude, you’re starting to sound like Edelgard. I love Edelgard’s final promotion. Looks so cool. Like a mix or her Lord and Flame Emperor clothes. I wince every time some mentions the free market or the joys of capitalism. I guess adrestia is imperialism, faergus is religion, and leister is capitalism. I didn’t care about Dimriti’s death, but Edelgard’s got me.

damn ok so dubstep cyberpunk dungeon and Rhea took like 15 missile strikes. wow this really is very smt. maybe persona 2. And fighting zombie Nemesis and the 10 was excellent (Nemesis is still a stupid name). I love it when we fight literal embodiments of the past

its hilarious that in Shamir and Claude's paired ending,  he ends up ditching 3 whole times. He turns the opportunity to lead the unified fodland down, then he ditches house reigen, and then he abdicated the throne! I love it! That's so him. And they both wanted to travel the world.  Technically Claude is also a descendant of Loog so he also gave up claim to the Faerghus throne too. I swear. This dude. This dude...  Next its going to be revealed that secretly Claudr is Edelgard's cousin. Or one of her "dead" sibling. Lysithea tell us that blood experiment to force crests leads to physical and mental damage. Does this have anything to do with what happened to Edelgard’s siblings? As far as I can tell every ending has Fodland under a single party state. Crimson flower, azure moon, and verdant wind all end in monarchies, and silver snow a theocracy.

Hold up. Flayn said that Cethaleann never had any children as rational as to why she's not a descendant. But how did Lindhart get the crest then?? And I might be mixing up the 10 and the saints, but then I thought  the crests were designed as tools of war by those who slither in the dark. Thats how the 10 got them, to use as weapons against Sothis. But that then brings the question of why Rhea edited history in favor of them.  This is why the holy relics looked so ominous and creepy. The animations are eeeeeeeeuuuuuugggh. My initial though was that the church is secretly evil and this is foreshadowing. I mean rhea's kinda... viscous? Ruthless? Filled with barely contained hatred? I was thinking maybe she's secretly the evil dragon of the game the way Mila kinda was. 

But then you dont need consent to make a crest. Only blood. Blood could have been stolen from cihol and cethaleann to make their crests. Alternately they could have chosen to give crests to specific people.  The 2 sources of crests is also why there’s multiple weapons for some crests. The crest weapons made by the agartans all have a similar aesthetic, but not all the crest weapons have that aesthetic some look different and probably weren’t made by them. As for why Rhea rewrote the 10 into heroes. It might have been to stop people from questioning the crests and relics and seeking to replicate them. By framing it as sothis's doing, with the power of the church she can control crests, how people view them, and keep a closer eye on the descendants. Its its a gift by the goddess, of course we cant try to replicate them.

Let’s see what Claude achieved before he dipped. anti-discrimination laws (race, religion), and increased foreign relations. Potentially equal treatment under the law.

Edelgard really likes brute forcing solutions

The whole opera thing with Dorothea and Manuela stinks of the idol industry where an idol peaks at like 18. Real opera singers have much longer careers.

Golden Deer is so JRPG in the best way. There’s an evil cult of technologically advanced subterranean people, a zombie army, the power of friendship.

It already caught my attention when  missiles appeared and the evil cult's dungeon belonged is a scifi movie like ghost in the shell and I was thinking to myself "hmmm... this all sounds very smt of you" or maybe Persona 2. I mean with names like Shambala and the whole general aesthetic of that dungeon ... yeah. But then someone points out the UN’s symbol is all over the Agarthan stuff. And wow we really are in an smt timeline aren't we. and I remember seeing the missiles thinking hmmm that looks vaguely familiar. Its the UN symbol. Which means in alternate future Earth Sothis comes, we wage a war against the gods and and then Rhea destroys modern civilization along with the planet. that really does sound like the plot of an SMT game. I did wonder at the inclusion of electronica and dubstep into the soundtrack.

THC (Thinking Hard about Claude). Claude let's everyone know he's up to something, and his self portrayal as a schemer is both deliberate and truthful. He's using it part as social armor and part as an excuse to probe. Claude holds genuine cuiosity, wonder, and passion for the world. He is not always scheming so much as he is one of those people who's brain never turn off. He just wants to explore the world, meet different cultures, and discover all the secrets. Given the environment he grew up in, his natural inclinations angled him to thinking in terms of how to best leverage someone or how to sneak around.

Alright so here’s the lore as I know it. Sothis=Goddess came from another world to Fodlan. Through her blood made the goddess’ children (Nabateans) who are the original magical beasts and can talk, and they resided at Zanado. Rhea=Seiros=The Immaculate One, and the 4 Saints (Cihol=Seteth, Cethaleann=Flayn, Indech=The Indomitable, Macuil=The Wind Caller) are Nabateans. Sothis gave knowledge/interacted with the native humans of Fodlan (Agarthans). Eventually the Agarthans waged war against Sothis killing her and many Nabateans. The Agarthans used their bones to make weapons, their hearts to make crest stones, and their blood to make crests. The above is why magical beasts and demonic beasts are connected to crest stones. The crest stones as the hearts of Nabateans transform humans into a distorted version of their magical beast forms. The Sword of the Creator was made from materials taken from Sothis’ body. Using these weapons the humans attacked Zanado killing everyone except Seiros and the 4 Saints. The 10 Heroes Relics were similarly made from Nabatean bodies. Seiros, already obsessed with Sothis thought only of vengeance and bringing back Sothis. She raised an army, killed Nemesis, and drove the Agarthans underground to become Those who Slither in the Dark. Seiros then took control of the continent under the guise of The Church of Seiros. Seiros and the 4 Saints gave their blood to favored individuals granting them the power of their personal crest as well as potentially extending their lifespan/granting extended youth. This is why the 10 Heroes Relics have a visual aesthetic distinct from that of the weapons of the 4 Saints. The 10 Heroes Relics were made by the Agarthans but the other crest weapons like the other Gloucester crest weapon the Axe of Ukonvasara and the Saint’s weapons were not mad by them. The Church the acted as a tool for Seiros/Rhea to control the continent and its course. She then rewrote that part of history. The goddess was just sleeping, crests were a blessings of the goddess, etc. 

I am unsure as to why she did so, but I believe it served the 2 purposes. First it allowed Rhea to control the narrative and how people thought about the matter. Second it erases the existence of a rebellion against the Goddess. From the Church, Rhea could control the flow of information, censoring anything that threatened her power. Using the language of religion she could also justify using military force to eliminate her political opponents. 

[douxreviews]

Cloak and Dagger - ‘Restless Energy’ Review

"I like this. You and me. Going out. Doing good. Best we can."

Cloak and Dagger are back, and as you might have heard, season two is going to be Mayhem. But not quite yet.

It still seems hard to believe that we're getting a second season of Cloak and Dagger. Fifteen year old me would never have believed that this day would come. And as a bonus, going by this episode, season two is maintaining the impressive level of quality with which season one spoiled us.

A quick note up front – Freeform aired the first two episodes back to back as a 'two hour premiere' event. I'm reviewing the two episodes here separately, partially because they appear to be two separate episodes from a storytelling perspective, but mostly because I'm pedantic enough that I can't bear the thought of not having separate individual review links under the episode listing on the show page.

I realize that that's a ridiculous thing to care about, but the voices reassure me that it's not a sign of any serious mental issues, so there it is.

As a result, I haven't yet watched the second episode as of my writing this and so if any questions I raise here are answered in the second episode I beg your indulgence.

Second season premiere's are difficult. Season one finales tend to have more complete closure than finales of other seasons because you're never sure whether or not the show is going to get picked up for a second year. The end of Buffy's first season and beginning of its second is a good illustration of this issue. So, not only do you have the usual season opener need to re-introduce your characters and general premise, you also have to begin you story with, '...but wait, there's more...' and that can be tricky.

Season one of Cloak and Dagger leaned heavily into the 'Divine Pairing' take on Ty and Tandy's relationship. It was the story of how their powers brought them together for that one specific incident, so that they could save the city. That's a different story than bringing them together to become a crimefighting duo of superheroes, in that the 'becoming heroes' storyline is open ended and the 'becoming the mechanism that saves the city' is a one time event that happens and then is done.

The C & D writing room dealt with this by leaning into it and making that the point of the episode, which was a good decision. Ty and Tandy, and to a lesser degree Brigid, are essentially hanging around and thinking 'OK, now what do I do?' Ty and Tandy are both dealing with the titular restless energy by going out and making little vigilante runs at night; Ty by hitting drug gangs and stealing their product and money, Tandy by identifying abusive partners and terrorizing them. That's very in character for both of them, and hey – how about the way that they allowed Tandy enough self awareness to understand that she was really lashing out because she's still dealing with the knowledge that her dad was an abuser. Tandy is in a fascinating place at the moment, emotionally speaking. The domestic abuse therapy group she and her mom are attending appears to be genuinely helping her, and we see several examples of her actively engaging with it and doing the work for herself, but she hasn't been magically 'fixed' by it. Her first instinct is still to run away when she feels emotionally vulnerable, and we see her do that twice this week, once with her mom and once with Ty.

I can't overstate how refreshing it is to see a show portray abuse, therapy and recovery realistically as the complicated and messy process it is, right down to the way that it appears Melissa Bowen seems to be leaning into therapy as a sort of 'replacement drug,' devoting all the energy she used to give to drinking and pills to the therapy process. That's a very real thing, and it was nicely understated here. Also realistic was the way that Tandy's attempts to punish Jeremy the abusive boyfriend only resulted in his girlfriend becoming more dedicated to staying in the abusive relationship.

In fact, Ty and Tandy's attempts to help other people this week rebound in unpleasant ways all over the place this week. Ty's laudable desire to use his powers to get drugs and the dealers thereof off the streets only results in making the gang he didn't hit more powerful and dangerous, and his attempts to fix that error result in his completely screwing up the official investigation that Brigid had been running to try and take them down. Like Tandy's attempts to scare abusive partners, lack of focus on the big picture is undermining their attempts to be a force for good.

This is nicely set up by the ballet teacher's chastisement of Tandy not focusing on what she was spotting as she did whatever those ballet spinny things are called. Neither Ty or Tandy has been watching their spot as they spin, and as a result they're not getting anywhere. The show has retained its love of visual metaphors, clearly.

One last word about Ty and Tandy. I really love how real and comfortable their friendship is at this point, with the movie nights in the church, and her kind offer to steal him t-shirts and underwear. Even when they fought in this episode, it was clearly a fight between close friends, and not some kind of 'our friendship is over' blowout. This is a big part of why I  hope that they don't make Ty and Tandy a romantic couple. There are just so few positive examples of non-romantic friendship between men and women out there.

And finally, Brigid O'Reilly. It's a little odd that she's back at the police force without serious issues after everything that went down last season, but we only see her at the firing range and not at the department proper, so we'll have to wait and see how her work relationships are currently doing. It was a little surprising that she didn't start out as Mayhem, since that was the way we last saw her as she climbed out of the lake, but New Orleans appears to be heavy into 'we'll seed your powers now, and then get around to activating them at some point in the future,' and in any case, it made the massacre in the final scene a nice payoff to our expectations. We are all assuming that that was Mayhem, right? So, is Mayhem a Jeckyl and Hyde thing, or can she control the transformation, or what? I've been avoiding being spoiled on this on social media, and as I said I haven't watched the second episode yet. Perhaps this question has already been answered.

Bits and Pieces:

-- I really like what they're doing with Ty's teleportation effect, and I get that they were establishing that he's been practicing, but I hope they don't make the mistake of thinking of him as just a teleporter. Teleporting is the least interesting part of his powers.

-- Brigid told Ty that unless Connors resurfaces it will be hard to get him cleared for Fuchs' murder. I wonder if they're setting up Ty trying to rescue Connors from the dark dimension inside him. Is that the way that we're going to see Tandy going into the dark dimension? Am I just fanboy dreaming?

-- I like the detail that they watch movies on VHS. It's an abandoned church, it makes sense that there would be an old VCR somewhere. It's a little odd that the electricity is still on, though.

-- The effect of Tandy's light knives gouging the walls was particularly well done.

-- Are ballet teachers actually that mean, or is that just a movie and TV thing? Anyone know?

-- Andrea Roth consistently brings a little extra something to every scene she's in.

-- Hopefully we'll get to see Evita properly sooner rather than later. And Mina. And Ty's parents. And I still miss Liam.

-- There was a nice detail when Ty is describing watching Evita get hit on and refers to her having 'rebuffed' the guy. He has such a prep school vocabulary. It's clearly deliberately done, because none of the other characters talk that way. Very nice and subtle.

-- Also nicely done is the way the camera work is developing little tricks to show Ty's appearances and disappearances. They're finding a lot of clever and inexpensive ways to move the camera so that his coming or going looks astonishing, but in reality is very simply achieved. I specifically liked the way his weight shifted the car's balance when he appeared in Brigid's back seat.

-- Did Ty want his physics books so that he could do his schoolwork as a coping mechanism for being isolated, or is he researching the physics of what happened to him and how his powers work?

-- Lots of nice detail work in the drug processing houses. The set dressers really put some effort in.

-- Newton's second law of thermodynamics gets a curious amount of love in genre fiction. I'm betting someone on the writing staff has seen 'Logopolis.'

Quotes:

Girl in therapy: "Kinda sucks when your livelihood relies on being nice to people." Tandy: "Yeah. That’s why I got into roller derby."

Ty: "Note to self. Tandy has no idea what studying is." Tandy: "Solitude has made you sassy."

Tandy: "Note to self – You’re still a horrible liar."

Tandy: "Not to rookie-mistake you, but marking up a map of the city is extremely nerdy, and kinda damning as well."

Tandy: "It’s possible I’m not over my dad the way I wish I was over my dad."

Ty: "You know I don’t drink." Tandy: "Ah, that’s OK. I can drink for the both of us."

A great start to the second season, and hopefully an indicator of the quality to come. Now bring on the Mayhem.

Three and a half out of four VHS tapes.

Mikey Heinrich is, among other things, a freelance writer, volunteer firefighter, and roughly 78% water.

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[domesticangel]

here’s a big ol dump of art thats been sitting in my folders for anywhere between 1-3 years that at this point ill probably never finish to accompany some Really Long rambling under the cut

im a junior in college now (””should be”” a senior/whatever that means/since i took a gap year but) but when i was in my like....sophomore-senior years of high school i drew like.....every. freaking. day. like literally i feel like i would draw like, 1 or 2 fully fleshed out, give-all-my-attention to type drawings every single day of my life, and i always had so much fun doing it.

after having a while to self-reflect though ive concluded theres kind of some layers to this. because i figure theres at least a little romanticization of the past going on, because i KNOW i wasn't a very happy person in high school; in fact, mental health wise, late high school into my freshman year of college was probably my very lowest point. i did lack motivation at these points, but not for drawing; i kind of put off school work and college prep, which wasn't good, but drew like HELL every single day, and pretty much all of it was fan art. thats one of the main differences between me then and me now; i used to dedicate so much of my time and energy to “fandom” and the media i was into, and it totally fueled my desire to draw, whereas now, i obviously still enjoy different series, but... my life doesn't really revolve around them like it used to.

the way i see it, i think i definitely used to use media and fandom participation as a form of escapism, but not really the good kind... i think it was more of a maladaptive obsession i failed to keep in check that i know for a fact really got in the way of my schoolwork, and i only doubled down when it came time to apply to colleges, because of course that stressed me out and scared me; during times like that, which was almost always due to my mental health issues at the time, i clung to fandom because its what brought me comfort and kind of shielded me from my responsibilities.

either way, that obsession with whatever media i was into at any given time is also what i think gave me that desire to draw all the time that i miss so much. i think being THAT invested in something is what actually gave me the constant desire to create, and being able to create something and feel accomplished in something without having to face anything uncertain or scary kept me totally hooked. so its weird trying to parse how i feel about that time period in my life.

on one hand, my mental health has gotten SO much better. obviously ive matured a lot since high school, so over time ive learned about much better coping mechanisms and ideas about mental health, ive gotten on a medication that works for me, and ive really gotten into my major so I'm really enjoying school as well. and obviously this is progress that i would never, ever, just want to give up or throw away. however, its also this progress that seems to have inadvertently influenced how often i draw, because I'm no longer fully diving into media/fandom because i dont need that escapism anymore, and therefore i don't have this like, feverish, obsession-fueled desire to draw like i used to. its kind of a double edged sword i guess and something i don't have a clear answer to.

i also think another factor i can't ignore is that i used to have a very large following in a lot of fandoms on tumblr, and if i remember correctly before i deleted my old tumblr i had around 12,000 followers that i had accumulated over probably the course of about 5 years. so that meant that my fan art got a LOT of attention. not to sound like hur-de-blur-social-media-is-evil but like at least in my personal experience, i kind of taught myself to think, “your art is only worth something if it gains a huge, instantaneous reaction, and peoples’ reaction to your art is the ONLY thing that decides its value.” and thinking like that really has hurt how i feel about my art over time! often times, after deleting my tumblr, i would find myself thinking, “well whats the point in doing any art, because nobodys going to see it anyway” so i honestly didn't draw or feel anything for art for a long, long time. in that time i channeled my feelings and energy into much more harmful activities, and i really could've used art at the time, but it had become such a worthless concept in my head since i could no longer associate it with immediate praise and attention.

i forgot a lot of important things about art, most importantly, how it could be fulfilling to just ME and that that was ok. i forgot that drawing regularly would help me improve, or give me something to focus on when i felt down, or give me the power to create something when i felt like i messed up everything else around me, or just make me happy because i thought of something i wanted to put on paper and then just put it on paper. and thats one of the main reasons i created this tumblr; i want to kind of rekindle that passion i had for art, but this time, without the maladaptive obsessions and without the need for approval from everyone around me. and i know this isn't a unique struggle; i know lots of artists who share their work online get discouraged by how little attention their work gets after they put so much time and effort into it, and like them, i don't have an answer as to how to “fix” this feeling either. but i can at least try. i want to prove to myself that the time i spent feeling hopeful and happy about something i created justifies its entire existence regardless of now many notes it gets, whether its OCs, fan art, digital, traditional, whatever. i just want to learn how to draw because it makes me happy.

that said, finding the motivation can be hard. however, i think I'm sometimes a little too hard on myself. I'm on winter break right now, and ive kind of defaulted to thinking “you haven't drawn enough, you've wasted so much time wishing the motivation fairy would visit you and make you draw that you haven't put in the time and effort needed to make yourself do it, youre pissing away every chance you have.” but when i think about it, i don't think thats true.

ive spent a lot of time thinking about OCs recently, which is kind of wild, because i haven't had the desire to make OCs in probably literally ten freakin years, so thats honestly huge for me--i actually really WANT to make original content despite the fact that i know it won't get as much attention as fan art, and i want to just do it for me, because i want to get it out. ive done a whole character sheet and I'm working on another! and sure, it didn't take me half a day like it maybe used to would've, but what does that matter? i thought, hey, i wanna get this out, and i got it out, and thats good enough for me. ive even written up storyboards in case i wanna ever make some small comics about my OCs just for fun, which is exciting cause ive never done it before. ive also been working on a commission for a close friend who wanted me to design her a fursona, and not only has it been a really fun process, but its the first commission ive done in a really, really long time, and it feels really rewarding. on top of that, I'm working on a painting for my dad as a late christmas present, and its my first really ambitious traditional piece in a while, so thats been pretty exciting too. and sure, ive done some fan art, but it feels like its coming from a better place; its less “please assign me value” and more just, really feeling something for the characters and wanting to try to connect with other people who feel something for those characters as well.

so, while it seems challenging, i also need to remind myself not to be blind to my own progress. i think i am doing better, and feeling better about art even if sometimes it feels like i spend way more time thinking about doing art instead of actually doing it. i think thats probably normal, and i think i can keep heading in the right direction.

ANYWAY this got really long but sometimes typing out how i feel about something and then reading it back helps me understand my own head a little better, so thats ok

[charliecomic]

Patterns

I should have known something was wrong.

I have been panic/anxiety attack free for almost a year. 

If you have never had one, its the strangest feeling in the world. Like you just can’t catch a breath, like you are running and running and running!!

Even though your legs haven’t even moved.

To calm myself down I would do repetitive movements, beating my heart like a drum (not hard).

That one was my favorite. 

When you heart is going so fast you can hear it in your ears, I would beat my chest with an open hand, trying to force myself to focus first on the vibrations and then the counts because I would do them in groups of 3. 

Still with me?

When I was trying to hide an attack or self-soothe to prevent one from happening, it would just be repetitive movements, like finger tapping something. Once the tapping moved to my body I knew it was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not. 

Still with me?

I feel better. Calmer. More me than I have felt in quite some time. 

BUT

Are you 

Still 

with me?

Because...

That doesn’t mean, that I cannot go back. There is a reason I had panic attacks. And Post attacks, I have been working to find a balance to not have to go back. 

So I am trying to be gentle with myself. The same stressors are there, here.

Right here.

Held close to me. 

The same ones that took me down deep into myself where all I wanted was sound and patterns.

And I have to know, when to stop. 

Stop the descent into pure madness. Uncontrolled fervor.

This weekend I didn’t want to admit that I was doing “the most.”

That I had a lot on my plate.

That I needed to, as they say, “Sit the fuck down.”

I ignored my warning signs.

The fact that I found myself receding into myself. Daydreaming for longer and longer periods of time. 

I didn’t notice, because it happened so gradually.

It’s all coping mechanisms, and I wasn’t recognizing that I had something to ‘cope with’.

My last sign should have been the fact that I spent 2 hours repetitively filing my nails. 

It does not take 2 hours to file nails.

I know that, you know that, and my nails sure as hell know that (boy do they feel soft now).

But I didn’t want to accept there was a problem, because that would mean FACING it head on.

That I was failing. 

I told myself, “I am SOOO MUCH BETTER!”

Which should have been my first sign that something was wrong.

I can’t/shouldn’t/trying not to use words like, “BETTER”

it’s too much pressure. Like having to be perfect again.

I can’t be perfect again.

So I’m trying to be ok with the fact that I was ignoring that I went from a shower every other day to a shower every day to a shower twice in two days

I was getting confused because I was trying to exercise and exercise makes you dirty and you have to shower

but my obsession with being clean was what helped evolve my panic attacks in the first place.

I didn’t want to go back to that.

I didn’t want to be dragged back kicking and screaming into the depths of my own despair, the HELL of my own making

sitting in the entrails of oneself

Oh god.

No.

So I pushed through when I shouldn’t of.

When I should’ve practice self-care.

When I could’ve practiced self-care.

I must be gentle with myself.

Be gentle, like one softly turns the pages for a sleeping child

gently presses the eyelids down, smooths the hair in a lover’s caress from one’s 

face.

and not snarls down their own arms their half bitten nails.

Let’s water bite them till it burns and then some.....

So i’m not going to be angry at myself that I couldn’t open my own front door.

That I had on my coat, hat and scarf and only one shoe

I had a dog leash in my left hand and lay splayed out on the floor. 

I lay, without moving for 10-15 minutes.

To get up would be to acknowledge that I had a choice.

I could put my other shoe on, dry my tears, and walk out that door.

Or.

I could take everything off and take a shower.

CHANGE IS HARD

Sometimes CHANGE is a choice and sometimes its NOT.

The trick, is to recognize the difference between the two.

This was not a panic attack.

This was not me having to cope with the betrayal of my own body.

This was just,

plain and simple,

tears. 

Tears that I was struggling to allow myself to express.

Suppressing one’s self, and all that implies (laughter, anger, tears), is to implode.

This was a choice.

I could go back to an old habit that made the feelings go away

or

I could say

I’m sad right now.

I could acknowledge that I was crying.

I could acknowledge that I only had one shoe on.

I could acknowledge that not feeling well, not feeling up to dealing with other people and their emotional baggage, getting a new physical health diagnosis, worrying about family member’s diagnosis, studying to get a certification, obsessing over my own new diagnosis and the symptoms, not being able to eat since the night before and it was now midday, wanting to call my grandma who has only been gone for 4 months, wondering why I keep getting diagnosed with different diagnoses, needing to clean a living space that does not feel like home, thinking its stupid you can’t dial someone who no longer exists, needing to wash dishes and sanitize my fridge, wondering if I am my own cause of continued diagnoses, dealing with all of my families emotional baggage and doing their worrying for them, worrying about money and what to spend it on first, wondering when the joke will be up and you get to talk to her again, not knowing what one eats when one would prefer never to eat again for the next 3 weeks how about that, knowing that this thought pattern probably doesn’t help health diagnosis, Being a hypochondriac and thinking you are making things worse than they are and can you just stop, and  knowing that a bunch of people recently got fired at work for unknown reasons, Like seven people. 

might be why I only had one shoe on.

 And then,

after acknowledging, ‘Hey! That’s a lot of worries on your shoulders!”

I could finally, slowly, put the other one on.

i don’t want to hide anymore.

in a corner.

tucked away.

Hiding didn’t fix it.

But I can’t say, facing it head on fixes it either.

I don’t know if anything will ever, ‘fix it’.

So I will be gentle to myself through this...whatever this is.

I can’t say journey because that implies an end, and this...

whatever this is.

May not have an ending.

It’s a coping.

A skill that I may want to tuck in the back of my dictionary for, ‘How to deal with Big, big BIG EMOTIONS’

But it doesn’t leave the dictionary. 

I have had a rough time and it coincides with everything that has happened and is happening to me. My stress is real, my coping skills are real,

and I,

I am real.

This is me. 

I don’t know if this is, ‘the me of right now’

and I’m kinda hoping it’s the, ‘me of yesterday’

But whatever happens after this.

I want to know, that I tried to give myself,

MYSELF

a chance. 

To be heard.

Every, single, part of me.

I don’t know how to cry. 

(tears are just rivulets that leak from my eyes)

But I want to learn.

How to accept it, how to honor it, how to 

sit with it.

acknowledge it’s presence,

and feel it.

I used to feel it.

and one day, I will. 

Because it used to be a skill in my dictionary. 

and I am waiting patiently, kindly, gently,

for it to come back. 

In the meantime, I’m taking the time for self-care.