#i might have a couple breakdowns every now and again but i'm good

[willowjay07]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[a-hazbin-reader]

it's valentines day tommorrow- what's alastor gonna do for reader?

I totally forgot about Valentine's Day-

Alastor X Reader Headcanons

✅️Romantic

❌️Platonic

TW: Alastor being a cannibal, Alastor scaring people off

Description: 👆⬆️

Alastor 100% forgets that it's Valentine's Day no matter how hard everyone tries to remind him

He can remember everything else important like birthdays, anniversaries, and other key events in your lives

But somehow, he manages to always forget Valentine's Day

He is so fucking smart but somehow so dumb at the same time, Rosie is the one who saves his ass every year

She literally plans it now, inviting him over the day before Valentine's Day

"So Alastor~ How are you going to spend Valentine's Day with Y/N tomorrow~?"

"How kind of you to ask-What was that now?"

"You forgot again. Didn't you."

Long awkward sip of tea

"You hopeless man, here's what you need to do..."

If it were anyone else then Alastor would be fucked but luckily he's tHe RaDiO dEmOn so he's able to scramble together something impressive

You'll never know he forgot

You wake up to your favorite flowers in your bed and all over the hotel, Niffty having a breakdown because she can't clean them up

Not Alastor standing in the kitchen with an apron on, cooking breakfast for the two of you

Kiss the cook? Don't mind if I do~

He won't accept any gifts from you until he's finished giving you the Valentine's Day you deserve

Mostly out of guilt over forgetting tho

After the most delicious breakfast you've had in awhile, he invites you out for a walk

He's shamelessly checking you out the entire morning, visibly approving of your outfit for the day

He takes you to one of the most beautiful and lush places in the pride ring that he can find, adoring the amazed look on your face

You almost feel like the two of you are a normal couple enjoying the day together, not two sinners in hell who are walking through faux earth scenery

If there's anybody else around then he scares them away so that you two can be alone and unbothered

Keeps an arm wrapped around you the entire walk, resting his head on yours because if he looks at you then he'll lose his mind

You just look so fucking cute rn

While it might just seem like a romantic walk, it's all a ruse to get you to a planetarium

Again, there's nobody there because Alastor wants privacy with his S/O

Because there's nobody there, Alastor took the liberty of decorating it in romantic lighting and getting more comfortable seating for the two of you

Seating might be the wrong word

The two of you end up snuggled together in a hammock, gazing up at stars that used to be familiar to you both

If you can name the stars and constellations then Alastor will happily listen while pulling you to his chest

Maybe you two feed each other snacks

"No, I'm not feeding you a finger, I love you, but I'm not touching that."

"You love me? How embarrassing that must be for you~"

"Still not feeding you that."

"Maybe I should eat you instead~"

KEEP IT PG YOU TWO

If you fall asleep then maybe he'll smooch your face a little bit until you wake back up

Maybe you're only pretending to be asleep

But the gifts don't stop there!

When you two leave, he takes you to the radio tower for a romantic dinner, and that shit is CANDLELIT

🕯 🍝 🕯

It is legitimately a lady and the tramp style dinner date with him doting on you the entire time

He's been a suave gentleman the entire day so far, doing everything he can to make you blush and swoon

But when you finally get the chance to give him your Valentine's Day gift, no matter what it is, he's genuinely flustered

Stares at it while blushing in silence for what feels like the longest time

"You got me this..? For me?"

"Who else would it be for?"

Not his tail wagging

Once he composes himself then he invites you to slow dance with him, holding you inappropriately close to him

Good thing you two are alone

Alastor is a fantastic dancer and a handsome man so that alone is enough to make you flustered

But slow dancing with him while he stares at you with that rare soft expression, with love in his eyes???

You're just a blushing puddle in his arms which is totally what he's going for, cooing at you sweetly

And he only makes it worse once he starts whispering sweet nothings in your ear throughout the entire dance, confessing everything he loves about you

Alastor legitimately has his breath taken away when he looks at your face afterward

You look so grateful for all that he's done for you today, but he still feels guilty for forgetting in the first place

When he thinks of your gift then he only feels worse, cupping your cheek gently

"Y/N...I have something to confess to you..."

"This is all last minute because you forgot about Valentine's Day?"

*shocked Pikachu face*

"...how did you know? Did Rosie tell you?"

"Alastor...darling...baby..."

Not your hand pulling on his cheek before giving it a few condescending pats

"You forget every year~"

Oh yeah

"But you always make it the perfect day~"

Brags about what you said to him the next day with Rosie, not at all noticing how done she looks with him

Hnnnng!! I love this man

[beevean]

Anyway I think I should watch Hazbin Hotel in Italian because I listened to some of the songs and holy shit what is this level of dubbing and adaptation???????? like?? it's actually really damn good???????? bro i am shook

I thought to translate some parts of my fave songs that made me go 👀 the most lol

(the videos have English subs up to Hell's Greatest Dad if you're interested)

Veleno (Poison)

Questa è la vita che mi piace Un altro amante e tante telecamere E l’illusione di scegliere

Translation:

This is the life I like Another lover and so many cameras And the illusion of choice

The last verse coupled with the visual of the actors hits much harder, IMO. I also like how we already start with Angel's denial that no, really, he loves this life!

Tu sei il mio veleno Dammi il tuo veleno Non posso farne a meno Mi scivola in gola e va giù Veleno, ne sono pieno Anche questa notte per me forse è l’ultima

Translation:

You are my poison Give me your poison I can't give up on it It goes down my throat Poison, I'm full of it This night as well might be the last one for me

In English, Angel is just saying that Valentino feeds him poison and he's addicted to it. In Italian, he's outright asking for it. Also, Angel is afraid every night that he might die for the abuse?????

Mentire è il mio mestiere So sempre quando quel che dico ti piacerà Rinuncio alla mia identità

E l’orgoglio che io ho Fino infondo ingoierò

Translation:

Lying is my job I always know when you'll like what I say I renounce to my identity

And I will swallow My own pride

It's one thing to get good at lying, and another to do it for a living.

Also I prefer the bridge in this version to the English one. We know he's swallowing poison by this point. It's more poignant to add that he's also swallowing his own pride and dignity.

(related to this, during his breakdown with Husk in the hotel, I adore that they translated "Do you know how much I'm worth?" with "Ma lo sai quanto costo?". To be worth in English could also refer to his general status, but in Italian, it can only be intended as his price as a prostitute. Man.)

Muoio, è troppo il veleno Anche se tu mi riempi non sono pieno Del veleno, così mi avveleno Questa notte spero soltanto che sia l’ultima

Translation:

I'm dying, the poison is too much Even if you fill me up I'm not full Of poison, I'm going to get poisoned I only wish this night will be my last one

... do I need to say anything? :( Riccardo Suarez is just. man. He's the perfect counterpart to Blake Roman.

Not much to point out about Fai Schifo, Baby, except that Husk says "Baby, I like you this way" and Angel Dust calls him "love" :) a bit more seriously, "fare schifo" sounds much harsher to me than "you suck", which would be the closer translation - it more literally means "to be disgusting". I really hope the Italian fandom is not as discourse-happy as the English one :^)

(also "passivello da bordello" cracks me up just as much as "power bottom at rock bottom" dhsjfhsdk it literally means "a little bottom from a brothel" but it sounds good 😭)

Il Papà Migliore Dell'Inferno (Hell's Greatest Dad)

Lucifer calls Alastor "sguattero" which is a pretty dispregiative word for "busboy" lmao, more like "scullion".

Chi è che da sempre c'è? Chi da sempre ha fede in te? Chi trasforma tutto in cabaret? L'assistente alla regia? Proprio io, il demone Che ha dato il nome all'Hazbin Hotel Inoltre ti ho sturato la toilette Proprio oggi, grazie tante

Translation:

Who has always been here? Who has always believed in you? Who turns everything into a cabaret? The assistant director? That's right, it's me, the demon Who named the Hazbin Hotel Also I unclogged your toilet Just today, thank you so much

Very interesting that now Alastor's nun cosplay directly refers to his faith in Charlie, and not just his loyalty to the hotel :)

Also nice touch that he once again gives himself credit for the name of the hotel lol, he really hated that Lucifer didn't like it

And personally I love the effect of his voice - it's different from the og dub, and it reminds me of the earliest Disney movies Italian dubs, it's nostalgic <3

Quindi Non Sai (You Didn't Know)

Tutto qui, Sera? Charlie, non esagerare No! Vuoi di più, Sera? Non vedi che un demone può amare? Se è così salvate un'anima Che altrimenti sempre brucerà

Translation:

Is that all, Sera? Charlie, don't go overboard No! Do you want more, Sera? Don't you see that a demon can love? If that's so save a soul That otherwise will burn forever

I just like a lot more how this comes across :) it's more accusatory and also it straight up says that a demon can not only improve, but love.

Another miscellaneous lines that I prefer are "Ora la bimba lo sa!" ("Now the girlie knows!") over "Now the cat's out of the bag", because Lute is an asshole; "È questo quello che mi disgusta!" ("This is what disgusts me!") over "That's what the fuck I've been saying!" because it's a more elegant emphasis; and "Come mai nascondi che tu hai le ali come noi?" ("Why do you hide that you have wings just like us?") because it's more evocative and even more cruel since Vaggie actually got her wings ripped out.

Finale

Trascino fin qui Quel resta di me Ma la morte so che Mi voleva per se Se pensano che sarei morto da eroe Mi dispiace, ma no, sono tutte bugie Io bramo soltanto la mia libertà Dal contratto che storpia la mia volontà E quando le ali io dispiegherò Finalmente il mondo piegherò

translation:

I drag here What's left of me But I know that death Wanted me for itself If they think I would die as a hero I'm sorry but they're all lies I only long for my freedom From the contract that distorts my will And when I'll unfold my wings Finally I will bend the world

First of all, Nanni Baldini is slaying just as much as Riccardo Suez in the emotional department bro what is that voice. But most importantly, "From the contract that distorts my will". This is much more poignant than the English version, and it paints Alastor as not only a puppet, but really as if part of him is acting against his own will. man.

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

My memory is terrible so I wanted to do a breakdown of my stuff every once in a while. Might be monthly, might be whenever I feel like it. Also there are too many shows on and something is always finishing or starting so a month is a lot.

BL - Currently Watching

1000 Years Old [2/12] - It's silly, and entertaining and makes me laugh. The friend group is delightful and I'm having a good time watching them. Was excited for a minute when Yo suggested a haircut for Pun because I cannot handle that wig. 🤞

Anti Reset [5/10] - This is one of the most frustrating shows I've watched in a while. The show doesn't seem to settle on what is actually trying to say about the AI of it all, and when it says something I'm not crazy about it. Why is it so frustrating? Because they are so fucking endearing when they're together on screen. I wanna love this show so much.

Cherry Magic Th [11/12]– I love them so much. I'm fascinated by the choices that the show is making. As a big fan of the manga and the jbl I came into this with reservations and this show is just blowing my mind. This was the best episode 11 of all time and Tay/New are delivering. My heart is so full with this.

Cherry Magic Anime [7/12]– Another helicopter ride! Yay. The date song was hilarious. We're now getting to the point where they are dating and Adachi is feeling guilty for lying so I'm curious how the show will adapt the next phase of the relationship.

Dead Friend Forever [10/12]– Glad to see we are all on board with Tan's murderous impulses. It's been so much fun having more people join in on the fun. As for me, I NEED White to stay alive. That's really all I want. Getting curious about how Perth factors in to all of this.

My Strawberry Film[2/8] - I feel it coming. I see sadness in my future. But I'm bracing because I'm loving the look of this show. And pining boys are my favourite type of boys. I'm ready.

Ossan's Love Returns [8/9] - The videos messages destroyed me but then that ending made me annoyed. I don't know what to expect in terms of Kurosawa but I hope he's not actually dying and there's a really good reason for all this. Medical mal practice might be the thing. Although as @twig-tea pointed out to me, since it was said in show it might not actually happen. I want happy for the ending anyway.

Perfect Propose [5/6] . Why must I only have them for 6 episodes??? I need more. Kai is everything to me, and that back hug followed by that smile melted by cold heart. Hiro's boss needs something heavy to fall on him from a great height. And please Hiro,sweetie, I need you to eat better and sleep.

Although I Love You, and You? [7/10]- Sakae is letting me down. And by that I mean, the show is letting me down. Sakae needs to put his foot down with Mizuki and go back to being a fool in love with Soga.

To Be Continued [1/8] - It's not amazing. but I'm a sucker for second chance romance and there are two couples so there's a 50% chance I will like this. We'll see. Also, they need to start hiring younger actors for the high school flashbacks. This goes for A Secretly Love too. Having 27 year olds and up playing ten years younger just won't do. It's terrible.

Unknown [2/12] - I'm intrigued. Not completely sold yet but I'm liking it so far. Also nothing would keep me away from watching Sam Lin again.

Also watched the first episode of A Secretly Love and caught up with City of Stars but it's on the 'I need to shut of my brain' schedule so I'm not necessarily watching to weekly.

BL - Finished

Cooking Crush - I will miss all of them. I loved it so much. The whole cut/uncut version thing was annoying and the editing was weird at times but overall this was wonderful. Communication done right. Relationships and character growth was stellar and both couples won my heart. Aungpao really surprised me, considering he was surrounded my pros on all sides. Dynamite was a joy to watch. And OffGun delivering with all the kissing. Everyone should watch this.

The Sign - I mean, what they did to this show is absolutely insane. Not airing the finale like the rest of the show. Having to pay extra for happy ending is ridiculous (although I kinda predicted this and @lurkingshan is my witness. I said as a joke and it turns out reality is a joke.) Then waiting 2 whole weeks for whatever that was. Just the most unsatisfying experience. Go read this from Shan because I agree with everything said there. Also @bengiyo final thoughts here really echo how I felt about this show overall.

Happy Ending - 20 minutes split in 3. Why? No idea. Was it a happy ending? I think so. Was it cute? Sure. Was it great to watch Seong Hyuk again? You betcha. But I didn't love it. I need Choco Milk Shake S2, like, TODAY.

Playboyy - It ended.

Rose Watches OJBL - I feel bad about this. I didn't watch any of the ones I planned to. This might seem like whatever but I've been trying to catch up with awards season films, because since uni, me and a couple of friends always do it and finish it by watching the oscars together and so ojbl was were I dropped the ball. Gonna restart soon though.

Not BL - Watched this month

Night Has Come Death's Game Shop for Killers

That's it for right now. As usual my ask box is open for gif requests and any other questions. All my gifs are under #rosygifs.

Have a good week💜

[resowrites]

The Trees - oneshot.

Summary: A walk in the woods takes an unexpected turn for Henry and his gf…

Pairings: AU!Henry Cavill x Girlfriend!OC

Warnings: adult themes, angst, relationship difficulties, dialogue heavy, language, mentions of parental loss/relationship breakdown/su!c!de attempt/appetite loss/panic attack/grief, pregnancy loss, child abuse, fluff, pet names, nondescript OC body type/appearance, hastily written/lightly proofread.

WC: 2936

A/N: Welp, this was meant to be uploaded ages ago but the themes and my crippling brain fog (yay) meant it took forever. Take care with this one. I’ve tried to write as carefully/sensitively as I can, but please heed the warnings or skip if you’re unsure (your wellbeing is more important). As ever, please enjoy and let me know your thoughts - R x

My work must not be copied, reposted, or translated elsewhere. Likes, follows, reblogs and comments are thoroughly welcome and appreciated! Gifs/pics not my own. I hope you all enjoy and thanks for visiting!

The Trees - oneshot.

"How about some toast?"

"I'm good, thanks love."

"Why don't you have some fruit then? Or I can make you a smoothie?" Henry began scanning the fridge for other ideas.

"Honestly, I'm not hungry—"

"You have to eat darling—"

"Please can I go back upstairs? I've got so much work to get through…"

"In a little while, we can go sit in the living room if it's more comfortable but you're at least going to have some tea and rest for a bit. Come on." He gently tried to herd her out of the kitchen.

"… I'm gunna go for a walk."

"What? Ollie come back here, you're exhausted—"

"Just for a little while alright? I can't sit around and do nothing." She stopped by the front door and wound a thick scarf twice around her neck.

"But sometimes you have to do that, or—"

"Or what?"

"Darling, you're not sleeping, you're not eating—"

"Henry, I'm just a bit stressed with work, that's all. I'll be back in half an hour."

"Well, wait I'll go with you, you're not going into the woods by yourself—"

"It's fine, I'll take the dogs. Don't you have meetings?"

"My next one's not for another hour and I took the dogs out earlier so we can leave them here." But Copper was already sitting by her feet, her head tilting in confusion.

***

"She's a cheeky little bugger, every morning now she sits waiting by the front door for walkies." Henry chuckled. 

"She's getting so big..."

"Tell me about it, soon she'll be jumping up into the airing cupboard like Kal. You know I found the little shit in there again this morning? Can't really blame him with weather like this though, it's brass monkeys. Are you sure you're warm enough?" She hummed back but otherwise, his attempt at conversation had fallen flat. She was still walking slightly ahead, lost in her own thoughts. He tried again. "So what's going on with work at the moment? I thought you were over the first couple of hurdles?"

"Freelancing's not that straightforward, unfortunately."

"Well is it anything I might be able to help with?"

"It's lovely of you to offer but I'll be alright. There'll be other contracts if I don't secure this one."

"That'a girl… how are you feeling at the moment though? In yourself, I mean?"

"Okay."

"Really?"

"Yeah, so what's your meeting about this afternoon?"

"Don't change the subject, Ollie—"

"I'm not—"

"Then can you tell me how you are?" She sighed and stopped abruptly.

"I just did!"

"Well I heard you on the phone this morning—"

"You were listening to my call?"

"No, I just heard the end of it when I came upstairs. Did your therapist need to change your appointment?"

"No, that wasn't them. They've… referred me to someone else."

"What, why?"

"Cos we're not a good fit." Henry waited for her to continue but instead, her eyes remained fixed on the floor. He tried another tack.

"Before I forget, your sister also rang me. She tried to get through but you must have still been on the phone. Your father's funeral is next week, do you think you're up to going?"

"No."

"Well, shall we wait and see how you feel?"

"No, I'm not going."

"Why not? It might help you start drawing a line under everything—"

"Henry, my mother doesn't really want me there, she just can’t get away with not asking."

"Well fuck what she wants, you need the closure—"

"There's no such thing."

"Of course there is—"

"No, there isn't. That's not how real life works." Henry waited a beat before responding.

"You know you can talk to me about him?"

"Henry, I said I'm okay—" he stopped finally and waited for her to do the same.

"No you're not, you've not been right for months. You've not even been eating properly since December. I'm really worried Ollie. I want us to get married in the spring, start planning for the future—" something then clicked in her mind.

"Wait, what did my sister tell you?"

"What?"

"What did she say, Henry?" Her voice had risen in alarm.

"Darling, it was nothing I didn't already suspect—"

"So you know everything? Henry, it was a long time ago, I was desperate—"

"Ollie what are you talking about? We discussed your father but that was it—"

"No, no this can't be happening…" she clasped the sides of her head in shock.

"Whoa, you're alright, look at me." She struggled to stay standing. "Ok, let's find somewhere to sit, come on." Fortunately, they were nearing the wood’s halfway point, which was marked by an old wooden bench. Henry was relieved to see it was empty and promptly sat her down. "There, now. Take some deep breaths darling, slow down for me. Just focus on my hand." He continued rubbing her back until her breathing came under control. She managed to fight off the attack, but only just.

"Can we… go home, please?" Henry pulled a water bottle from his pocket and helped her drink from it.

"Let's stay here for a bit, just until you're steadier on your feet." The next few minutes passed uneasily. "I really wish you'd unburden yourself though—" she scoffed and staggered upwards, turning to face him directly.

"So I can burden you instead?"

"Ollie sit back down. There will never be anything you can't tell me—" but she cut him off.

"Well thanks to my sister, I now don't have a choice, do I? God, I can't believe this..." she wearily took a seat, holding her head in her hands for several moments. "Fine. If you really want the truth I'll give it to you." When she finally spoke again, both her eyes and voice were strangely flat. "My last fiancé and I didn't mutually split. He just woke up one day and decided he wanted out. There were no signs, there wasn't even anyone else, he just didn't love me anymore. It was like the sky had fallen in. The pain was just… indescribable. He loved me like no one ever had before and as the days started to blend together I became convinced that it would always end that way, that the fundamental problem was me. I mean if my own father could stop loving me, what hope would there be for any other man?

"One night, a couple of months after we split, I woke up with what I thought at first was just a stomach ache. How I kept it together in the taxi I'll never know. I vaguely remember bleeding as I walked into A&E but the rest is just a blur of pain and vomit. Before I know it, I'm in a hospital bed being told I lost a sixteen-week pregnancy. I was just so… stunned. I kept asking the doctor to repeat himself. I mean you know what my periods are like and to be honest, by that point I'd already lost most of my sense of time. I hadn't had a single symptom, not one," she paused, "they couldn't tell me if it was a boy or a girl. I asked if I could at least say goodbye… they advised against it. After that apparently, I just kept screaming," she swallowed hard, "the nurses felt so sad for me.

"I remember before I was signed out, one of them asked if my partner was on his way to collect me. I just lied and said yes. She then said to me, 'remember you can always try again,'" she quickly cleared her throat to disguise her voice breaking, "I didn't tell my sister what happened. She pulled up outside my place, made me promise to call her later on and when I got out of the car I realised I was supposed to be getting married that day. I don't know, something inside of me finally just snapped. I don't remember much of what happened then either. One minute I was in my bathroom, and the next I was back in the hospital being told I'd suffered minor organ damage. If my sister hadn't stopped by when she did, worried why she hadn't heard from me, I probably wouldn't have survived.

"Eventually, she managed to convince them to let me leave so I could stay with her. She lives on a beautiful street, lined with cherry blossom trees. My nieces greeted me at the door excitedly, even the sky was bright blue that day. But I never felt more lost and alone than at that moment. In the end, my sister had to take six months off work to care for me, and that combined with the strongest medication my doctor could prescribe, only just helped me pull through. A year later Clare dragged me to that party and… there you were. I wanted so badly not to like you—" she finally broke down, her exhausted sobs splashing tears all over her lap. For her sake, Henry held back his own. Up to that point, he'd resisted interrupting or touching her, but he couldn't bare it any longer. He cupped her face firmly with both hands.

"Ollie, do you love me?"

"More than anything. It's why I proposed. I wanted to do everything with you—"

"Then that's all that matters—" she pushed his hands away.

"No, because we're not equals in this relationship Henry, we never have been and we never will be."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean," she sighed, "you could have literally anyone…" she trailed off, defeated for the moment.

"… You know, when I spoke to your sister, she told me how one night you were late back home from playing with your friends so you hadn't yet done your homework. Your father then locked you out in the back garden for the rest of the night. She said you didn't ask her or your other sister for help because you didn't want to get them in trouble too. You just stayed out there all alone, in the freezing cold. And I wondered to myself, how many times you've felt like that little girl ever since, even in this relationship—"

"Henry—"

"She told me she suspected other things happened as well, stuff she couldn't bring herself to talk about."

"You weren't supposed to know any of that!"

"Why not?!"

"Oh God…"

"Ollie please, it's okay—"

"How? How can any of this be okay?!" Her face was so distraught, his stomach sank. He rubbed his eyes.

"… This is my fault. If I hadn't been away so much, kept you closer, none of this would have happened—"

"No, please, this isn't on you—"

"I even bought you the puppy and the cottage because of how guilty I felt!"

"But the distance worked for me too! I could get attached to you but not completely. It felt safer."

"And now?"

"Now it all just… hurts." Henry grabbed her hands.

"Ollie, whatever happened before doesn't change anything. I'm here, alright? You're safe now—"

"Except I don't think I'll ever feel that way completely—"

"I'll still be here—" she flew up from the bench and started pacing, her tears flowing freely once more.

"No, no. You deserve better. Someone who's sunny, healthy… as successful as you. For fuck's sake I don't even come from a normal family. When I walked out in December, it was because I felt I had to. I will always want what's best for you and… I know that doesn't include me." He dashed forwards, clamping her shoulders to keep her still.

"Do you think when we first met, I couldn't see the pain in your eyes? I also saw the decency, the humanity - I knew you weren't playing hard to get for the sake of it in the same way I knew you'd never hurt me deliberately. Let's go to therapy together—"

"You don't have to do that—"

"But I want to! I haven't done enough and you are so worth fighting for - we are worth fighting for. I love what we have because it's real and that's so, so rare Ollie." Her head fell to her chest.

"The doctor who spoke to me earlier was a trauma therapist. I was praying they'd tell me I didn't need their help. The worst of it is, I always thought I was a strong person. What I experienced wasn't even unusual. I mean people fall out of love, lose babies, have breakdowns, every single day. And it all could have been so much worse. But it still nearly destroyed me. I just can't go through any of that again."

"… Did you give your baby a name?"

"No, no… it didn't go that far. I couldn't let it. But in my head, I still talk to her sometimes. I don't know why I imagine her as a girl, it's just what feels right. It's incredible really, she would have been no bigger than the palm of my hand but the love that you feel… the longing." Her voice caught in her throat. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't intend to tell anyone. I just thought that if I failed in her life, I could at least protect her in death—"

"You didn't fail anyone—" he quickly stopped himself and instead pulled her into his arms. "I love you, Ollie."

"I love you too."

***

Two weeks later.

"Mmm it's warm out there today, look at that sky." Henry slid the cup along the counter. Ollie glanced up briefly from her laptop and hummed. "Why don't we take our coffee outside?" To his surprise, she stood up from her chair.

"That sounds nice." Henry smiled and led her into their garden, with Kal and Copper following closely behind. What she didn't expect to see, opposite the bench that was tucked away in her favourite spot, was a newly planted cherry blossom tree. He sat her down carefully, waited for the dogs to lie down beside her, and then went to fetch something from the base of it. When Henry joined her again, he was holding what looked to be a clear container.

"I've planted this tree so that, every time you miss your daughter, you can come out here and spend some time with her." He carefully removed a small notepad and pen from the container. "And whenever you need to talk, you can write it in here, put it in the box and leave it by the tree for her." She was so overwhelmed at first she couldn't even look at him. When she did, tears spilled down her face.

"I… I don't know even know what to say… I can't thank you enough. Not just for this, but for everything—"

"You will never need to thank me, darling, ever." She chose her next words carefully.

"I know I've struggled to tell you often enough, let alone show you how much I appreciate it, but you're a good man. The best I've known. And just because she was my first," she glanced towards the tree, "it doesn't mean she has to be my last."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I mean, it might be difficult—"

"Then I'll do everything I can to make it easier."

"... You know I'd marry you right now if I could?"

"Then why don't we?"

"What?"

"Well, why not?"

"But... I'm not even dressed nicely!"

"Stop it, you've never looked more beautiful. Right, we've got the dogs as witnesses so come on," Henry gently pulled her to her feet, "let's get straight to it."

"Are you sure? Everything's already been arranged?" His heart lept at her playful smile. How he'd missed it.

"That one's for the well-wishers, this is just for us. Are you ready?" She smiled and nodded. "Good. Then I, Henry Cavill, take you, Ollie Hadden, for my lawful wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love and honor you all the days of my life." Henry removed the promise ring from her right hand and slipped it onto her ring finger. She swallowed back her tears, smiling.

"And I, Ollie Hadden, take you, Henry Cavill, for my lawful Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love and honor you all the days of my life." She then moved his promise ring to the correct hand. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Henry brushed the tears off his cheeks, "that's just the first time you've called me your husband." They beamed at each other and finally kissed. In the end, he didn't know how long they'd stood holding each other, but when he glanced down, she was gazing at the tree.

"When you're ready, come inside and I'll make you some lunch." Henry then kissed the top of her head and disappeared into the house with both dogs trailing after him. 

She took a seat on the bench, picked up the notebook, and wrote several lines. When she was finished, she carefully put the container back in the same spot. It was when she glanced up that she noticed small buds on the tree. Soon they'd be open and before long the garden would be strewn with blossom. She couldn't think any further ahead but for the moment she didn't need to. For once her mind had fallen silent and she was content to rejoin her husband.

To be updated on when I post please follow @resowrites and turn on post notifications.

[mwapollo]

a few days ago I've came up with a metaphor that helps me to soothe my imposter syndrome, and I think sharing it might be hepful for some of you, so. yeah.

in the last couple of weeks or so my imposter syndrome has worsened again to the point where I've started having menthal breakdowns over it. I've got the niciest words from the people who are close to me and who are not, it was far more than I thought I deserved, and it was dreadful.

during any stressful period in my life I am easily irritated and overstimulated, my agression level rises significantly, I stress over every little thing, and I feel like I am the worst living person for that (even though it's a usual human thing. I have double-standarts for myself).

it felt like people complimenting and liking me for whatever reason didn't really see 'true' me, and like sooner or later they would discover it. and leave, eventually.

so I was trying to talk myself through it while I was laying in bed late at night.

I thought about myself as a fake cake: like I had frosting and sparkles on the outside, but inside was made of something-- rotten and disgusting.

but then I realise that-- people can't be fooled that easily? they're smarter than that-- if there was something rotten in me, people could have guessed it already. this is what red flags are for, after all. and even if i was just a really bad cake, burned and inedibly sweet, there would be no people who would decide to have another bite. and there are definetely people who stay near me even when I'm stressed.

so... I wondered, what kind of cake would I be. I thought of a honey cake -- I can't express how much I love it, and it suits my irl style pretty well.

there are people who dislike honey cake. there are people who have it as their favorite. there are people who like it as much as other kinds of cake. there are people who don't like sweets at all.

and it is the most obvious yet the most needed metaphor in my life.

and now, wherever I'm about to say something bad to myself or to erase an 'undeserved' compliment from my memory, I say to myself: "honey cake. you're a honey cake."

am I too ugly to be loved? I am a honey cake.

am I too agressive to be around? I am a honey cake.

am I not smart and diligent enough to get compliments for my work? I am a honey cake.

am I not caring enough for my close ones to them being thankful, kind and caring for me? I am a honey cake.

honey cake, honey cake, honey cake.

that's alright. I can trust people around me when they say something I couldn't believe is true. people have different views on cakes, but no one would compliment a cake if it's unpleasant to eat. and when people all around you say good things about you, it's true.

you're not faking it. you're just a cake. you can't comprehend how tasty you are yourself, but people around you may love you more than you'll ever know.

so, I suggest you pick your favorite cake flavour, or anything that will suit your preferences, to stop youself with in these situations if you have similar problems.

hope it helps someone :)

[drdemonprince]

I wanted to thank you for Unmasking Autism. Beyond the content, which is both extremely relatable and extremely insightful, I am overjoyed with how much listening to it has pulled me in and kept me engaged. I have struggled with reading or even listening to audio books since my diagnosis because my ability to read and process information was the biggest casualty of the intense burnout that began when my mom died in 2020 that ultimately led to my diagnosis. Reading just broke for me, and it's been gut wrenching.

This is the first book I have attempted to read or listen to that I am devouring the way I used to devour books, and it is because so much of it is relatable and articulated in a way that resonates. The way you write about your experiences is so similar to how I describe my own, even when describing traits where I present very differently. You understand and recognize the incredible nuance and intersection of autism and other parts of identity and life experience, but you present it in a way that is understandable and relatable. The infinite complexity is acknowledged and embraced without the explanation itself being needlessly complicated.

Unlike every other audio book I have tried, I rarely find myself having to rewind to try to parse something that didn't make sense on first listen, which is filling me with such joy because I have struggled so much to recover my reading ability and while audio books have been somewhat more accessible because my visual challenges aren't an obstacle, it's still been such a source of pain to struggle to understand and process books. It felt like losing something that was a huge part of my life and a major form of emotional self care.

I plan to read the text version once I finish the audio book. The way this has woken up parts of my brain that felt locked away is giving me confidence to try to break into the rest of those walled off areas again. It might sound hyperbolic, but it feels like you fixed part of my brain that I thought might be gone for good. This is the book I needed right now to feel more like myself. It needed to be this topic, something which has been central to every aspect of my life for so long and which I am still trying to understand. It needed to be written this way, with a voice that is clear and direct. It needed to be written by someone who's understanding is personal but also communal, someone who understands the intersections of identity that lead to inequity and hostility for marginalized communities.

I really needed this right now.

Thank you so much.

This is such an immensely lovely comment to receive, I've been sitting with it the last few days not knowing what to say. I'm really glad you've found a way to enjoy and reconnect with reading and that you're feeling empowered to do more.

Over the years I've had long lulls between being able to enjoy any books, video games, or even music at times, and losing an ability to access a type of joy I once considered a big part of me is very tough and deadening. But rediscovering those passions and the ability to take them in and appreciate them is like coming back alive.

(I just had that kind of deadened lull recently with gaming-- because of the medium being associated with my ex, I havent been able to enjoy it the last couple years for myself.

but then i rediscovered the passion of being swept up with a wonderful, thought provoking game on my most recent play thru of disco elysium and fuck, the dora conversation had me really tearing up. and all the conversations about ideology in the game have me feeling passionate about political psychology, a field i studied for years and then abandoned, for the first time in a long, long while.)

Sending you well wishes and hoping that anybody else who is reading this who has been unable to enjoy their passions the past few years finds a way to reignite that spark again soon, too. I think lockdown and the breakdown of regular daily rhythms combined with increased social media usage made it very, very hard for me to gear shift into enjoying challenging art for a *while*, and from what i've seen and heard many people are reporting the same. may it all come back for us.

anyway, yeah, thank you for telling me. im glad my book was able to help get you back on the road to enjoying books. i was very intentional when i was writing it about signposting everything that i was going to say and explaining things both thoroughly and clearly, trusting that the reader could understand and find pleasure in groking all the the scientific work and sociopolitical argumentation so long as it was presented to them in sensible way. i was so fortunate that my editor allowed me to really get into the weeds and parse through the nuances of many topics while also encouraging me to put things plainly and compassionately.

i dont know if my next book is quite up to snuff in this regard yet -- it's really dense, and i seem to have lost some of the ability to slowly break down complex topics sometimes lately, so your message is a necessary reminder to put in that work. if i can't explain something simply, i dont yet understand it, and that means i have some more work to do.

[sporksproxy]

What if Belos figured out King is a titan ?

In my notes, I've been calling this AU 'Coven King', but I'm open to name suggestions. Might want to make a comic, please tell me if you would like to see that, I need the motivation,,

I have a couple of ideas as to how this can go down, but after rewatching a few episodes, these are the ideas that I have.

[ around 1k words under the cut ]

Like, Belos asks The Collector what they know about titans, now that he has the portal (or at least the dissembled pieces) but no way to open it. Then, The Collector starts ranting about the "big meanie" who trapped them in the disc, then talks about how they started a cult to kill all the titans. Belos presses on if there is even any blood left, and they just shrug. But, ooooh wait ! The titan did have a baby ! Of course, they were never allowed to play with it, but they miiiight know where it's hidden if given a map.

Meanwhile, King leads his compatriots to his old castle. Then Eda reveals the truth, he touches his horn piece, and runs away, confused and betrayed. Enter the Golden Gaurd, who had been sent to investigate the area (after spending Hours lost in the fog). He sees King venting outloud, dismayed by never being a real king in the first place. So the Golden Gaurd approaches and scoffs, "Nevermind being a king, you're more like a god." King doesn't trust this at first, but comes around to the idea. He starts to run off, excited to tell Eda, but the Golden Guard stops him. While not as good of a manipulator as his uncle, the Golden Guard still manages change King's mind. (some combination of "she always knew and just wanted to keep that power for herself" or "the owl lady will never be safe around you again with this new information out there" or using Belos' supposed ability to speak to the titan, and wanting to return King to his father) Hesitantly, King decides to go with the Golden Guard.

Back at the castle, King would be closely monitored, but Heavily doted on. Treatment fit for a king. During his first night, he struggles to get comfortable enough to sleep, so he asks to take a walk around the castle to help clear his mind. Even though the scouts aren't really supposed to let this occur, they struggle as it contradicts their other orders of listening to his every whim. They figure, as long as they keep a close eye, there should be no issue ! While walking, King faintly hears another kid talking, so he distracts the scouts and slips away to investigate. This is when he comes across The Collector, lamenting alone of their boredom. They quickly notice him, exploding with excitement, rambling about having a new playmate. They urge him to let them out so they can play together, and King obliges. Chaos ensues !

And.. Yeeaaahh, this au is pretty much just an outlet to let my 2 comfort characters interact in a,, less dire context.

Belos would probably be able to turn the situation around, like "oh good, you get along with the playmate I sent to free you", and King doesn't challenge this because Belos scares him. This time The Collector would believe him, as there was no dramatic betrayal beforehand. But now, Belos has to be Extra careful to keep them both content.

After the whole, freeing incident, no scout would ever be in charge of watching either of them ever again. (we don't talk about what happened to those scouts.) Leaving the responsibility to the coven's higher ups:

Kikimora, while not thrilled, doesn't outwardly complain. Although, the 2 definitely have the capacity to annoy her to the point of a mental breakdown. The Collector always finds it funny, but King tends to feel kinda guilty. She's around the castle most of the time, so she gets stuck with the task the most.

The Golden Gaurd is aversive to the task at first, but over time he grows fond of the kids and considers them like little siblings (caleb genes kick in around little bastard boys lol). Neither of them like him very much, because he's So Strict on the rules. But he does like to tell them stories from his missions, and updates King on Luz's condition when he gets the chance. Hunter is also more active in general, so he can keep up with their energy and play games with them.

We don't know much about some of the coven heads, but for those that we do:

Darius does Not have the energy nor patience, but he has been shown to be good at handling kids. Pretends he hates them, but grows a soft spot over time and sympathizes with their unfortunate circumstance. King likes him, The Collector likes freaking him out.

Eberwolf, while observant, is chaotic and mischievous. And putting 3 agents of chaos in the same room is,, ill advised.

Raine would be good at it, using their bard magic to calm the kids down, and their gentle disposition works well. However, their near immediate act of rebellion takes them off the list.

Terra Hates children.

Adrian thinks little of children, but as displayed in his mission at Hexside, he tries to find art in it. Both the kids unwittingly insult and mock him in that no filter way little kids do, and his ego is SO wounded. nearly throws down with a couple of 5th graders.

Emperor Belos himself often has to fill in when the others are busy and Kikimora is off crying in the bathroom. Probably the best at it, given his years of experience with The Collector's antics, and his titan trump card for King. Is easily annoyed, but forces himself to swallow it and put on a good act.

The Collector becomes very attached and protective of King. They're never seen seperate from each other, sometimes to the annoyance of King. After all, this is the first real friend they've had in hundreds, if not thousands of years. And contrary to popular belief, children do have a level of empathy and emotional intelligence naturally. So with someone there that they value, I think they might be able to change for the better. Maybe !!!

I might talk abt the other ideas I've had for different timelines involving the concept, but I've rambled enough for now,,

Oh, and here's the first doodle I made inspired by the AU !

and I'll throw in an alt doodle from before I rewatched echoes of the past,,

[chaoticincompetent]

Thinking about accessibility around neurodivergence in TTRPGs, specifically D&D because that's the main game my group plays...

Here are a few things that help me play better/more easily, as someone with ADHD and possible autism (a very personal, non-exhaustive list!)

Taking Breaks (and Other Self Care)

Self-care is everything. 'Nuff said. End of story.

No Judgement

Being able to say "that RP was intense and everyone was talking at once - I'm going to put the kettle on for a sec" and have everyone understand. Or "can you repeat that again, DM? I promise I was listening but the information just donked off my brain."

Every member of our group has done this at various points - we're only human! (Or tiefling/elf/goblin/whatever).

Taking Notes in Character

Warning: this can lead to burnout if not careful! And may not work for everyone. But if I'm notetaking, it's sometimes easier to stay focused.

Cheat-Sheets / Note-Cards

Character sheets are complex, with tons of dense info.

My current character is lvl12 artificer. She has A LOT of weird stuff/abilities at this stage and I can't remember them all (there's a running joke with the DM that she only wears her clockwork amulet for the aesthetic because I keep forgetting the bloody thing exists), so I made a couple of cards with a brief breakdown of what I can do and tape them near the computer screen.

It's far less intimidating than the full character sheet for quick decisions, and I think I'm playing her much more effectively now.

DM "Nudge"

Whose go even is it? Combat can become chaotic but a quick reminder from the DM about where we are/what the hell is going on is really helpful (and knowing the turn order has a similar effect in helping to plan next moves.)

Everyone says "don't try to be Matt Mercer/Brennan Lee Mulligan etc" which is 100% right. But one thing I LOVE that I've seen Mercer do a lot is this little nudge.

"Barbarian, you're up (Rogue, you'll be next). Barbarian, you're surrounded by wargs and Cleric is unconscious: what do you do?"

It's clear, it's concise, it's a reminder of the character's specific perspective as opposed to the overwhelm of the entire battlefield. I try to do this when I DM (which is only very rarely).

Visual Aids

Mostly, we play remotely on Roll20 or Forge. Occasionally, we've used Owlbear Rodeo projected onto a wall for IRL games.

Life-changing.

I had NO IDEA how much I was struggling with theatre-of-the-mind combat until there was another option (apparently, aphantasia is a thing and "the mind's eye" is not a metaphor. Who knew???)

YES to being able to actually see where everything is!

There are probably a million other things (and I may add to the post as I think of stuff) but these are the ones that come to mind.

Ultimately, it's pretty much all about the good vibes and the friendly support of the rest of the group... with a couple of very minor adjustments where those might be useful.

I'm wondering what helps other players?

[cantbelieveyouregone]

Level 65 - 5 Years, 5 Months On Testosterone

Well, it's been a hell of a long time since I last did this. Almost like a pandemic happened and made me forget because there were slightly more pressing matters at hand. But it's just past trans day of visibility, so figured I should provide some sort of update here.

First big change since you last saw me do this is that I got top surgery. I'm now about two and a bit years past when it happened, and it wasn't completely smooth sailing. Surgery itself went fine, but I ended up having some of my stitching come out during recovery. That's, like, a whole other story, though. It could take up several paragraphs here. I got the periareolar one done, with my chest being just on the borderline of being too big for it, but I begged them to let me have that one, as it'd always been my preferred one if possible.

I'm still trying to get on the waiting list for bottom surgery, but even trying to get through to the GIC to make progress is a nightmare right now. I don't help my case by being someone who absolutely despises making phone calls, so I only try getting in touch by email. I've asked to be put on the list, twice, but I have not received any confirmation if it's happened. Really wish that I wasn't dependent on this whole GIC system, but here we are.

Besides that, in terms of testosterone changes, things have been pretty stable for a while now. My voice hasn't gotten much deeper for like a good couple years. I am a hairy boy - saw it coming, thanks to having beheld my dad swimming, and seeing that we were three for three in having facial hair among my grandfathers and dad as well.

I am still a very physically weak man. Exercise took a backseat for a lot of the lockdown period of the pandemic, as well as me doing very little exercise post-surgery on surgeon's orders. I've really only started picking it up again relatively recently, after moving out of the house I always take these selfies in (my old room - now my dad's work from home office - still has a mirror in it). I can do only about 15 push-ups before I have to stop for a breather, as my endurance has remained atrocious. I managed to do ten bicep curls in a row per arm with dumbbells weighing 8.5kg each, but I truly just reached that point. I can do like 100 sit ups on a workout bench or 50 on the floor in mostly one go, though. And I can do a plank for like two and a half minutes on a good day. So, y'know, I'm not in terrible shape, but I could be better. I want to do bouldering more regularly, but that requires breaking my existing routine to do so, so I find it hard to go very often. At least me and my flatmate walk in to work some days.

I have gained a noticeable amount of weight, compared to my last update, but that's honestly more to do with the fact that I moved out and got a job. My flatmate works at the same place I do, so we go to work at the same time. So I actually eat breakfast every day because they'd quickly notice if I didn't. Lunch is covered by our work, but it's Deliveroo from select places, so it's not the healthiest stuff we have as options. And dinner, again, flatmate and I get back at the same time and make dinner together most nights. Might not seem like a big deal, but before I had a job and moved out, I regularly slept in and didn't have a proper meal until dinner time. So funnily enough, I'm not surprised jumping from one meal a day to three has caused weight gain.

My mental health is an open question as always. I've described myself as "one thing going wrong away from a mental breakdown", and I still think that's accurate. I'm still on meds for anxiety and depression, and I still feel noticeable effects when I forget to take them. I don't think they're going away any time soon. Top surgery has helped with some of the mental health stuff, since it's one less thing for me to worry about on a daily basis, but... y'know, bottom dysphoria still exists, and it's bad. I did make some friends during university which helped to make things tolerable when I definitely otherwise would've been alone, since I pushed a lot of my high school friends away after I dropped out. I'm not in a relationship, and not only do I have limited desire to be until I learn how to take care of myself better, but I still have no idea what anyone would see in me.

I never know how to end these things. I don't know when I'll next remember to actually do one of these, because it's been a long-ass time since I did it before. Maybe I'll do a more detailed update about my top surgery experience. Maybe the folks that follow me ain't here for this, but if my post makes it across the dashboard or in the search of another person going through it, maybe it'll be helpful.

It's kind of why I started doing this in the first place.

[urmumsdrycooch]

ᒪIᐯEᔕ ᗪEᑭEᑎᗪEᗪ Oᑎ IT

Alex Chen x GN!Reader

Summary: "A gn!reader x Alex Chen from lis: true colours where reader is new to Haven and they know Alex because they used to date (let's just say she's a bit older since shes, like 16 or something in the game) but they broke up because Alex had abandonment issues (you can add anything else if you like) so when reader shows up, Alex is a bit distand and cold shouldered because shes falling in love with them again and is super scared to admit it even though reader never stopped loving her? Happy ending and all pretty please with a cherry on top?"

Warnings: Swearing, abandonment issues.

Someone told me that the best way to start life is by moving on and away. Make things happen for yourself, get out and seize every opportunity that crosses your path. Live life to the fullest and don't let anything hold you back. Though I may not remember who, it didn't stop me from following their words.

I'd been living in Portland for the past two years, and those two years were probably the shittiest of my life. Living on minimum wage in some good-for-nothing bar in the cheapest flat possible with a roommate I never see and their cat, still trying to recover from a breakup from like a year ago.

I had given up on everything and everyone. I was going through the motions, just existing.

One day, I was at the bar, nursing a beer and scrolling through my phone when I saw an advertisement for a job in a small town over in Colorado. I continued to scan over every minute detail, each word tempting me more and more. It gave me everything I lacked, a stable home and job, a community, and just peace within myself. I hesitated for a moment, but then I decided to go for it, sending an email to the ad's address.

It wasn't exactly how I'd planned on spending my shift, but for some reason, I don't feel a single ounce of remorse. So as soon as I got home I began packing.

It felt all too familiar, shoving all your stuff in bags knowing you'll be leaving everything behind. All too familiar.

I'd been placed in this situation a year ago, I was with someone, I was in love, but it doesn't matter anymore. Well, it shouldn't matter, even thought it's the only thing I remember before this version of my life. I chose to be with her, I gave everything for her, I was doing it for Alex and I, but clearly she couldn't do the same. She destroyed every ounce of my happiness with a few of her words, it was almost like she knew exactly how to take apart all of my feelings.

But this time, I knew that I was doing it for me.

After numerous taxis I could barely afford and several mental breakdowns, I arrived in Colorado two weeks later and despite the nerves, at first glance, it was all worth it. Haven was adorable, the people looked friendly, and the job position was perfect. It was everything I'd ever wanted and more.

That was all until 2 hours post arrival. Where I'm at now. Occasionally glancing through a record shop window, in fear I'd seen someone I'd been trying to escape. Brushing it off as if it were just my mind playing tricks on me.

Considering it was the first day, I settled in nicely, a cutesy little flat above one of the shops littered around the town. It already felt like home, but as always, something had to go wrong.

I slept like a baby knowing I had no more major responsibilities to take care of, I can simply just live my life.

I exit the building the morning after to take a walk around Haven, and familiarise myself with my new home. I stroll past the small ice cream shop, the couple (who I guess is the owners) outside in a heated discussion. Then passing by a post office, I look ahead, and finally, something intrigues me.

'Rocky Mountain Record Traders', sounds cool, might go have a look inside.

I wander over to the door, letting my hand push it open. I'm greeted by a cheerful auburn girl, rocking a navy blue beanie, "Welcome!"

"Hey," I smile back out of politeness.

"Are you new here? I don't think I've seen you around?" She questions, leaning back on the counter.

"Yeah, got here yesterday from Portland," I answer, scratching the back of my neck.

"Oh, cool! My friend in the back is from Portland, what's your name?" The auburn beams, waiting for my response so she can call her friend.

"Y/n. Y/n L/n."

There she is, she walks in, taking one glance at me then not bothering to spare another in my direction. It feels like my heart's stopped as if I'm witnessing a scene from a movie and not reality. I can't move, I can't do anything as she stands in front of me, my heart shattering into a million pieces all over again.

"Have I reunited something special or are you total strangers?" Steph jokes in an attempt to fill the silence.

"Total strangers." The black-haired girl huffs before turning around and walking out the door.

What is her fucking problem? Can't we at least be civil, I didn't end us, she did. I should be the one storming out the door, the fucking nerve of her. She doesn't get to walk out on me. Not again. "Hey, where are you going?" Steph asks, not receiving an answer from the girl.

Steph glances at me with raised eyebrows, unknowing of what had just happened. I can tell she's decided not to dwell on it, simply just giving me a nod before letting me leave.

Later that night I sat in my room, wondering how the only good thing in my life has been ruined by the only good thing in another life. How did we end up in the same place again? Part of me wants to say fate, but it's immediately terminated as soon as it was brought to mind. Alex doesn't get to be angry, she left me. No goodbye. No explanation. Nothing.

I go to sleep with her on my mind, nothing has changed.

I wake up in the morning and do as I usually would, shower, brush my hair and teeth, etcetera. It soon gets to 1:30, and I begin to make my way over to my new job, a bartender at some bar called the Black Lantern, I talk to some guy called Jed who runs the place and we discuss my schedule and wages, nothing too exciting, then I finally get to work.

I scan the room, noting the very... unique style, unable to tell if it's pirate-esque or cowboy-esque. I continue to think about that for another half hour until I notice somebody to my side.

I take my eyes off the beer I had begun to pour to find out who had just joined me behind the bar. For it only to be, the one, the only, Alex Chen. What a shocker. The one thing (person) that I'd hoped to avoid at all costs just happens to work where I work.

The shift goes on and the bar gets busier and busier as more people flow into the building. I'm surprised we haven't run out of Lager yet, got me pouring three at a time. Alex hadn't uttered a word to me, only bringing back empty glasses and occasionally pulling the odd few drinks. I wasn't sure if I should be offended or not, so I decided to just let it go.

I watch her put on her jacket and make her way to the door, "Hey, what the fuck are you doing?" I shout over the loud chatter of prominently old men.

"Shift's over."

"It's jammed in here, can't you stay a little while longer?" I request, sounding too needy and desperate for my own liking.

Alex rolls her eyes in response and walks annoyedly back over to the bar, this time she'd every so often bear to even speak a couple of words to me, whether it's "Pass those." or "Hurry it up." It's still progress, not like I needed it nor wanted it.

A few hours later and it's getting close to close, Jed lets us know that we're all going home for the night. As we're saying our goodbyes, Alex finally breaks the silence.

"So, you work here now?" She asks eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"Yes, I started today," I answer, not really knowing what else to say.

"Why are you here?" She continues, her voice laced with a tone I couldn't quite distinguish.

"My own reasons."

"Just tell me did you know I was here?" She bites, her voice laced with poison as she spat it right into my face.

"God! Everything is not about you, if anything I came here to get over you." I snap back, her face dropping as soon as I responded.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her that, she probably still thinks I have feelings for her, which I do not. I do not. But what if she still has feelings for me? Oh God Y/n, get your mind out of the gutter.

She just looks at me for a moment, seeming to contemplate what to say next. In the end, she simply turns on her heel but before she could walk away I take hold on to her wrist. She doesn't look shocked, she actually looked like she knew I was going to do it. And that fucking annoys me.

"So?" I let go of her wrist, crossing my arms.

"So what?"

"Don't play dumb, Chen. No explanation? You left me, no reason as to why." My voice on the verge of breaking due to the tears I try to hold back.

"It's not that simple, Y/n."

"Oh? So how simple is it then, Alex? I did nothing to you, I loved to until my heart could take it no longer, and even then I continued. Was it one-sided? Did you get bored? Please, just give me a clue." I utter, a waterfall of tears threatening to pour from my eyes.

"You were going to leave me, Y/n! So, I had to leave you before you would do it to me!" She admits, taking me back quite a bit, silencing any words that were ready to pass over my lips. She plays with her sleeves, looking as though she regrets what she'd just confessed. The sight brought a hint of sadness to me, she looks so vulnerable and fragile.

"I would've never fucking left you, Alex. What could've possibly made you think that?"

"I could feel it, I had my suspicions and I was scared, so I did it before I got hurt. I won't have another person leave me. I knew I'd never stop loving you, so I left while uncertain."

Deep down I know that I too would never stop loving her, and how true that is right at this moment.

"Did you ever stop?" I ask, my voice shaky and broken.

"No."

The silence fell upon us again, this time it was heavier, more weighted. It felt like the air had been cut off and we were both struggling to breathe.

"Me neither." I finally whisper, my voice trembling.

And with that, we hugged each other tightly, letting our tears soak into each other's clothes. We held on to each other as if our lives depended on it because, in a way, they did.

[whumpster-fire]

Okay RWS/TTTE Tumblr, I have to share possibly the funniest "RWS is a fucking documentary" story ever, as relayed by Youtuber Hyce telling the story while three other guys at the Colorado Railroad Museum try to guess what happened next: (go watch it on YouTube for a good ab workout)

I think the synopsis on this incident being read is here?

This is an absurd week-long saga involving seven different engines getting stuck or derailed, sometimes repeatedly. In a nutshell, behind a keep reading so you can guess along with the video:

To set the stage: The Rio Grande Southern was a crappy podunk railroad in Southwestern Colorado. I'm getting the vibe that this was kind of the real-life equivalent of the Mid Sodor Railway. Relevant locations are Ridgway, the northern terminus, Durango, the southern terminus, Rico, a town kind of in the middle of the line, and Lizard Head Pass, the highest part of the line, which is between Ridgway and Rico. On either end the RGS meets a larger and more competent railroad, the Denver and Rio Grande Western.

Rio Grande Southern #20 gets stuck in the snow while traveling South from the north terminus of its line in Ridgeway. In the middle of the night, in the mountains. It sounds like in a snowstorm.

The next day, two other engines, RGS 22 and RGS 42, come up the mountain from the other direction with a snowplow to free it, along with a little railcar that was just trying to deliver the mail. They set off back towards the south and all of them almost immediately get stuck again.

After three days of the original train, the rescue train, and the railcar all being stuck in the snow, two more rescue trains are sent from either end of the line. On the northern end, the superintendent of the railroad and "every available man" set out with the only engine present, Denver and Rio Grande Western #455, who was leased from the neighboring railroad and probably really wants to go home. On the southern end, D&RGW #458 is "borrowed" to go help, which I think means this engine was not even leased, this is just an engine from a completely different railroad that has to come help because the RGS has gotten basically its entire fleet stuck and the one remaining engine, #41 is small and not very strong.

The superintendent's rescue train also gets stuck, and the borrowed engine's tender derails and rolls over. Neither of them get anywhere near the stuck train. There are now three stuck rescue trains and the original train gets stuck too.

D&RGW #271, who is also not actually part of the railway with the stuck train, comes up with a breakdown crane to put 458's tender back on the rails. This is successful, and 458 continues on towards Rico. 271 apparently decides not to deal with this whole cursed rescue mission, and decides to go home and take the crane with it. On the way home, 271... gets stuck in the snow.

271 gets unstuck by its crew and goes home. 458 meets up with #41, and they take the rotary snowplow up to free the original rescue train, consisting of #20 (which has now been stuck in the snow for SIX DAYS), #22, #42, and the railcar). They FINALLY free the stuck train, and head back towards Rico.

On the way back down, #458 and #41 derail AGAIN.

They finally make it back to Rico... meanwhile the superintendent and #455 are STILL FUCKING STUCK on the other side of the pass.

Poor #458, who is not even supposed to be here and might have some sort of damage from the tender derailment but I'm pretty sure is the biggest and strongest engine here, sets out with the rotary plow again to rescue its sibling, but the damaged tender derails TWO MORE TIMES.

458 gives up and tries to turn back (RWS translation: this poor engine's probably sobbing about wanting to go home by now)... but a couple miles outside of town is blocked by an avalanche!

458's crew (and presumably the rotary plow's) just fucking abandon their engine and walk the rest of the way.

Eventually, some time later RGS #20 and #42 go and free the superintendent. #458 has presumably gone home and refused to set wheel on the RGS ever again.

But the ultimate "RWS is a fucking documentary" moment: 84 years later, the Rio Grande Southern Railroad is a distant memory. The only survivors of this whole clusterfuck are RGS #41, RGS #42, the Railcar... and RGS #20, which has been right there next to the guys telling the story the entire time while they have been absolutely losing it and roasting the fuck out of this railway for the last 20 minutes. Everyone remembers this and starts joking about how they've probably given their steam engine PTSD flashbacks and apologizes to her.

[nonsensegnomes]

bestie what are your top nine favorite movies atm

oooh good question <3 well like i said i'm discovering i've covered way more ground in tv over the last few years (which i'm gonna rectify soooooonnnnnn i think, got a lot of exciting recs from that recent tag game!!) so this is pitifully basic, but like in terms of what i'm thinking about Right This Moment:

the hitcher – slightly deranged about this ever since i saw it last week, a movie perfectly tuned to my preferences <3 love love LOVE the main performances & the dreamy atmosphere & the cinematography; just! the americana of it all!! plus there is soooo much to dig into, like the folkloric resonances (i mean the vanishing hitchhiker story HELLO), the gay panic (as in the actual original homophobic meaning) every shot of the first half hour is just LACED with, that scene where he puts the coins over his eyes in the diner.... obsessssssssssed.

the black phone – okay so i watched this last night & it might fade from the faves over the next few days but rn i can't stop Picking at it. genuinely Disturbed me a couple times so 🙈👍 ethan hawke ATE, the little girl playing the sister KILLED it, and my friend pj should've had more screentime so the sets of siblings could parallel each other or something but wcyd ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i am a little I Can Fix It about some of its clunkier plot points, but the main conceit of the phone fucked soooooo hard i can forgive it 💖

it 2017 – listen. i have been feeling this rewatch approaching all summer & as soon as i get my grubby hands on a projector (as god intended this movie to be watched <3), august is going to be thee month for it!!! idk it just has a very dear place in my heart 💕 like everyone else i did have a 2019 breakdown despite its many Many flaws, but the first one remains That Bitch w/ the perfect pacing & ending... coming of age film that just happens to have a clown in it babey!! also always going to care about eddie kaspbrak unfortunately 😔

nausicaä of the valley of the wind – my fave ghibli movie!! What Is There To Say. it was the first one i saw before i was aware everyone went insane about like hmc & princess monoke (which i also adore!!), so at first i was just Captivated by the animation genius & the Weirdness & the design of those bugs... it just plucks at something in me, like this is PRECISELY the kind of post-apocalyptic story i can enjoy, like what a coherent & hopeful environmental message that's, well, not subtle but certainly managed with a very deft touch!!!

fight club – sorry for being a film bro :/ anyway go look at this important piece of LGBT history

the death of stalin – love a comedy where everything falls apart around & also due to a bunch flailing back-stabbing incompetent idiots, so of course an armando iannucci joint always hits the spot <3 just SUCH alarming pettiness & cruelty that you have to laugh in the face of it ohhhh my godddddd

southern comfort – okay so kinda cheating with this docu, but it just impacted me sooooooo deeply the first time i saw it & i still go back and rewatch every once in a while. despite how sad it gets at the end, it actually is one of those things that gives me Real hope bc the whole thing is just about love & community & the radical Comfort transness allows you to find in yourself 💕💕💞💖 i would definitely rec it to absolutely everyone, it's only 90 mins & absolutely Life-Changing; i think there was a clip going round here a while ago about how affirming t4t love can be, and imo that just sums up the whole vibe. rest in power robert eads ✊😔

fire walk with me – well this is my favourite movie of all time despite the fact that i can NEVER ever watch it again ✌️ like i am well aware that it is technically kinda all over the place, what with david seeing fit to make the first half hour just "fbi procedural david bowie cameo now THIS character says something ominous & incomprehensible" but also. i Do Not Care bc the next hour + a half made me cry so hard it took me like 5 hrs to watch it; jesus CHRIST she was just a kid who needed someone to reach out and help her!!! laura i would have done so much cocaine with you & kept you alive forever!!!!!! also lynch's weird cryptic storytelling just appeals to me personally bc the way the meaning comes more from the audience's emotional response makes it kinda work on the same level as a folk tale for me, which i loveeeeeeeeeee unpicking; saw a post once about fwwm being structured like the saint's life of a martyr and !!! that is exactly It!

stardust – an all-time favourite, i mean the costumes! the pacing! the fun twists on fantasy tropes! the sheer CAMPINESS of it all!!! the way the plotlines converge in the end WOWED me as a child and to this day every time i watch another fantasy movie i'm like. Well You're Not Stardust Are You :/

& honourable mention to those films always occupying some part of my brain, that i can mouth along with from memory just because they are so comforting to me: tsn, the princess bride, 10 things i hate about you, pride 2014, bend it like beckham, saw (this nearly made the main list but like. too obvious.), the parent trap (1998 version), the karate kid

[angst-fairygodmother]

🔊 for Derek and Ryne?

Ok. So I'm going to answer these separately, but if you want a couple-song with the same kind of breakdown, just shoot me another ask.

The good news is that there's not a lot of memorable songs in Bad Samaritan. The less good news is that this was a challenge because using Carlito's own songs felt like cheating.

Derek: Turning My Life Around from Anna and The Apocalypse

I’m going to try to stick to actual canon and extrapolations from that, not any expansion I did while writing Derek, but the line might blur a bit.

Forget your troubles Let go your woes Live for today 'cause You might be dead come tomorrow

Derek is the optimist. For both the small things like the camera possibly having having “titties” on it, and for big things like which customers might be great opportunities to steal. He sees Cale’s credit card as funding for a get rich quick scheme, he thinks whatever’s in the office might be worth enough that they’ll never have to steal again, which would literally turn their lives around. He doesn’t want to be parking cars and stealing “things people won’t miss” for the rest of his life. Nor does he want to be like his brothers (who we can assume from context are or were involved in gang activity, and may have turned state’s evidence and gotten themselves in a lot of hot water with the rest of their crews as a result, neither being a good position to be in). But underneath it all, the hope is a little hollow and is just repeating the same idea over and over that “today’s going to be the day, the change is coming, I’m ready for what’s next” and he kind of knows it, but he’s going to keep at it, and have fun until he gets that big break or dies trying. 

Really I could break this down line by line on where/how the song matches Derek, and especially how Derek and John are very similar, but I’ll spare everyone else the ramble and myself the tears, for now.

---

Ryne: Manipulated by Beth Crowley

When this song came out, I listened to it and didn't even make it through one time before I realized how perfectly it encapsulates Ryne's history with her ex and her slow growth into the girl Derek meets and even more with his help.

In particular, this set of lyrics

I was always quick to Defend you Inventing an excuse for every flaw 'Cause I thought that was love

really hit me for how perfectly they described her in that relationship, to the point of even telling Derek, years later, that it was something she had done, or not done, that was why the relationship soured, that it was her fault.

[maryellencarter]

Memed from @thisbluespirit , whom I just tried to tag as lost_spook and got really confused for a minute...

Favorite color: Blue, mostly

Currently reading: Uh. Am I reading anything? I'm slowly working my way through the "Jigen Daisuke" tag on AO3 from oldest to newest, I guess that's the closest. Sometimes I go through a phase where I read piles of books in a day, sometimes I don't touch anything but fanfic for months (and not always too much of that).

Last TV series: Lupin III. I'm currently working my way through Part 4 sort of "back to back", watching each episode with the subs and then the dubs. The dubs didn't have the correct Yuji Ohno music and I haven't seen the subs before, so it's a hell of an experience not just hearing the Japanese cast for the first time on these episodes but hearing Tornado or Zenigata March and just seeing what a damn *difference* it makes, having the right music, especially now that I know the music enough to recognize it.

I'm kind of glad I saw the dub before I knew what was missing, because the dub cast is good, but the music... god, "With a Gun In My Hand" is practically a different episode entirely without Tornado, without the history of having the same theme tie together every damn time Jigen does something badass since 1977. "To Hear You Sing Again" is a *completely* different episode without the moment where Yuji Ohno reaches thirty-six years into his back catalogue and pulls out fucking "Fire Treasure" and smacks you right in the heart with it.

Last movie: Uh. I'm not sure if it was Mystery of Mamo or Legend of the Gold of Babylon. I know the last one I saw *part* of was Mystery of Mamo, because I was doing a breakdown of Kobayashi's performance versus Epcar's in a particular scene for a couple of friends. (Kobayashi-sama brings the anguished screaming Lupin's name like nobody else -- I haven't heard Akio-san make an attempt yet, but until and unless he pulls that off, Kobayashi-sama is the one and only. Epcar knows he doesn't have the same vocal range, but he uses the magic powers of being the dub writer and knowing his own strengths to kick me in the gut possibly even harder than Kobayashi, which is a fucking *achievement*. Usually Epcar's a solid 9.5 but Kobayashi is an 11, when it comes to the Jigen angst.)

Currently working on: God, what aren't I working on. We've got the "Disreputable Company" sequel, JiZeni porn-with-feels and a ton of plot, on track to hit at least 50k by the end. We've got the "A Little Vacation" sequel in two parts, FuJigen PWP with snark and cuddles. We've got the "Silence of Ishikawa Goemon XIII" sequel, which is a lot more lighthearted than you'd expect from the title being "The Funeral of Jigen Daisuke" but it's still got a royal fuckton of feels, some of which we have yet to write. We've got that one PWP involving Lupin decorating his people with stolen treasures and taking very sexy photos.

We've got the G-rated GoeYata piece for @tabbiewolfreblogs slice-of-life zine "Between Heists", which needs a final polish once I can get a minute -- I'm pretty focused on the Disreputable Company sequel right now, because we have the rest of the outline all complete, we just gotta actually write it. I've got a brief Jigen praise kink thing somewhere that also just needs a final polish and a title if I can *find* it. There's a werewolf thing I was working on but I got too distracted by the human parts of the porn and ran out of steam, which I might see if I can pick up again. And there's a really complicated thing that may or may not ever see the light of day, which involves closeted repressed transfemme Jigen and also involves me writing a shitton of really personal trauma-coping stuff...

I'm not tagging anybody. Consider yourself tagged if you want.

[hobiiiiiworld]

A piece of us | KSJ - Chapter 6

Synopsis: Seokjin somehow ends up and Yoogni´s front step mid breakdown. What happens when you show up?

Pairing: Reader x Kim Seokjin

Genres: Marriage | Fighting | Pregnancy 

Word Count: 2,8K

Note: Ouch, I hurt my own feelings while writing this...

Read on Ao3

Seokjin doesn't know how he ended up here. Or, he does. He knows exactly how every little thing he has done over the last year has pushed him to where he is, but he thought he had been doing good lately. After you announced you didn't want to have a relationship with him, he emerged himself with more work. The damage was already done, and being stubborn about it wouldn't help. So, he left and continued on with the tour. It made him feel better to not be around you and to not have time to think about you. 

Yet, better was still awful. You would enter his min at horrible times, clouding his entire being, taking a hold and turning everything dark and heavy. Like the time he was in the middle of an interview and a woman came in, the clicking of her heels sounding exactly like yours would do in the hallway of your home. He excused himself just in time to make it to the bathroom before everything ruptured. And just as he would manage to forget you after a couple of weeks, you would call to update him about the baby, brining it all back again. 

Months went on like this: finding private corners where he could catch his breath; car-rides turned twice as long so he could get his emotions at bay; hotel-rooms as safe havens at the end of day. He usually spent his nights turning around in his bed, crying just enough to avoid puffy eyes the next day. It was never enough to let the pressure all the way off, but it would take some of it off. It was tiring and horrible, but manageable, which was all he went for. He just needed to get to the end of this tour. 

So, how did he end up here, at Yoongi´s couch sobbing his eyes out? All he knows is that Yoongi´s words are not helping, because, no, he shouldn't calm down, and, no, he can't tell him what happened. He doesn't even know how to breathe properly right now. 

"Just tell me what happened, man," Yoongi says, giving a silent thank you to Jimin as he places as glass of water on the table in front of Seokjin, who is basically in Yoongi´s lap at this point. 

Ever since you asked for a co-parent relationship, Seokjin has tried to tell his best friend about it. He even called him one time, fully intending to tell him, but the words wouldn't come out, and he spluttered out some words about him being excited for the baby. 

Seokjin tries to speak, but the thought of you enter his mind and another wave of grief crashes over him. Grief for your future, the future he had in mind with you. 

"I got you," Yoongi says with his hands tightly wrapped around Seokjin´s shoulder. "Just breathe." 

"Should I call her?" Jimin mouthes to Yoongi then, eyes wide and filled with tears. He never was great with other people crying…

"I dont know," Yoongi mouthes back. 

"I will," Jimin decides, disappearing into another room. Anything that might contribute stopping those horrible sobs coming out of Seokjin is worth trying. 

Seokjin takes a deep breath and sits up, tears still flowing out. "God damned," he whispers, finally calm enough to speak. "I'm so sorry I just came here. Didn't really know where else to go." 

"Home?" Yoongi suggests, trying to get down to the problem. Seokjin shakes his head, his face scrunching up again. 

"That's the problem. I can't go home." 

"What? Your wife is angry so you don't want to go home?" 

"She isn't anymore." 

"Great! So why are you-" 

Seokjin cuts him off. "My wife, I mean. She isn't my wife." 

"What?" 

"She…" Seokjin is hit with another wave of tears spilling as he sinks to the floor, hiding his face in his hands. "Co-parents," he manages to get out. 

"Fuck," Yoongi swears, his heart breaking for the two of you. "What can I do?" 

"Let me stay here for a couple of days until I go back on tour? My manager sent me home for the rest of the week, and as I said, I can't go back to our…" he breaks down again, more tears and louder sobs escaping. 

"Of course. Anything, just let us know. Any one of us," he says, referring to Jimin. Yoongi moves over and does the only thing he knows to do: he drapes himself around Seokjin, hugging him with all his might. After a while Seokjin calms down, which is Yoongi´s sign to let go and settle himself back against the couch, his hand still on Seokjin´s back. 

"No one knows yet, so I would-" 

"Oh, dont worry. I won't say anything." 

"Thanks. And… I'm sorry for being so mad after you told _____ I signed the papers. Even if you knew I would never file them, you did the right thing. She had a right to know." 

"You don´t have to apologize, it's perfectly understandable. I know you regretted it the next day, but Jimin… He said he would tell her if I didn't, and he promised me he would tell her everything. I though it best if it came from me… From someone who had your back. You know how Jimin is with _____. They're like… I don't fucking know, but sometimes I swear she comes before me."

"I'm glad. At least she has him, you know?" 

"So it's all set in stone? Has she filed?" Yoongi asks softly, treading carefully. 

"If she has, I haven't heard yet. We don't speak, she only calls when it's baby stuff." 

"You guys haven't had the best couple of years, she might just need time," Yoongi tries to help, but he knows nothing he does can help how his friend is feeling.

"I´m just taking her word for it right now. I fucked up and it's time I take the consequences." There is a pause. "Is it not fucked up?" He laughs a bitter laugh. 

"What is?" 

"I'm glad my dad can't see how I turned out."

"Stop. We all make mistakes. Your dad would still be proud of you." 

"He wouldn't, though. He cherished my mum with every bone in his body, and he tried to instil that in me. He would be so ashamed to have me as his son," Seokjin reflects, hanging his head low. 

Just then, Jimin comes back in, a plate of pasta in hand, which he hands to Seokjin. 

"Thanks, you didn't have to." 

"Yes I did. Do you expect me to have the Kim Seokjin in my house and not cater to him and his fine ass?" Jimin asks dramatically, which drastically lightens the mood. 

"You're great, but lets see if you made some for mee, too," Yoongi teases, getting up to explore the kitchen, only to come back out empty-handed. "You only left a mess for me, I see," he huffs, rolling his eyes to Seokjin. 

"I always leave you a little something, something," Jimin winks and gives him an air-kiss. "Now eat, it will make you feel better," he tells Seokjin.

And Seokjin does, silently watching his best friend and his husband having lively conversations about what has happened since they last saw him. Apparently, Jimin got a new job, Yoongi got a promotion and the two of them are wondering if they should move and get a dog. It's all good news, but to Seokjin every piece of information feels like a stab to the heart - a reminder of what he has lost. 

He manages to hold it together and smile though. That is, until the doorbell rings. Jimin runs to the hallway, having hushed conversations with the guest. 

"You expecting visitors? I can just make my self scarce and go to bed," Seokjin says, already on his way up when he hears someone approaching from the hallway. 

He takes one glances at you, quickly turning his head away to hide the tears that are once again falling. His loses all remaining self-control, and all the bottled up hurt and pain takes presence. And he thought hearing your voice over the phone was torture… In an attempt to get away he tries to hide his face in the crook of his elbows, leaning his arms on his knees. Turned away from you. 

Yoongi is once again at his side, hugging Seokjin to the best of his ability from the awkward angle. 

Frozen to the spot you wait, watching as Yoongi tries to talk to Seokjin. Jimin said Seokjin was a mess, but you figured he would be drunk or angry, not a crying wreck. You don't know how to deal with this… A part of you want to leave and be over him, to have someone else tend to him. Yet, you don't have it in you to leave or to look away.

"Has something happened? Why am I-" you quietly start to ask Jimin why you're here before you stop yourself. Instead you ask, "Is he alright?" 

"I dont know what's happening, but I think he told Yoongles…" Jimin explains quietly and out of earshot from Seokjin. "I though he was going to be on tour for another couple of months before coming home? He just showed up here, unannounced and in tears, so something must have happened," he says. 

"Ah," is all you can say, unable to take your eyes away from Seokjin. 

"_____ you don't have to be here. You can leave if you want," Yoongi says empathically, eyes shining up at you. No words come to your mind.

Finally Seokjin calms down, saying something to Yoongi, who is rising to his feet and walks towards you and Jimin. 

"I got work in the morning," he says randomly. "I can drive you home before I go to bed if you want?" 

"It's fine. I drove here by myself." Your voice is shaky, anticipation suddenly thick in the air. You lower your voice. "Is it okay if I stay?"

"You're always free to stay here," he says to you before turning to the whole room. "Let's go to bed, Jimin. You, too, have an early start," Yoongi says, wanting to give the two of you space to talk. Yoongi and Jimin exit the living room, leaving only you and Seokjin. You approach the couch uneasily, taking a seat as far away from Seokjin as you can. 

"Are you alright?" you ask.

"Yeah," Seokjin says weakly, not daring to look at you again. "Nothing that I can't handle. Nothing you should have to deal with." 

"Should I go?" you ask as you realize this might be about you. Seokjin doesn't answer. "I'm sorry if me showing up here made it worse. I know this sucks." 

"Can you please not leave? I just..." Seokjin pauses, tilting his head back and blinking furiously, trying to hold his tears in. He breathes in and continues, "you're right, this sucks." 

"You should try and drink something," you suggest. 

"Now you're giving me advice? Trying to take care of me?" 

"Seokji-" 

"No, I like it. Please continue." 

"What happened?" you ask, not wanting Seokjin to change the subject. 

"It just go too much: the tour and everything. I got burnt out." 

"I dont understand how you have it, but I'm exhausted and I don't have a camera shoved up in my face seventy percent of the time, or people around me at all times. No wonder it all got too much," you say, making Seokjin look up right into your eyes. 

"Yeah, well… I can't change the timing of it all. Life just goes on. No matter how much it feels like time stopped, that clock just keeps on ticking on. The tour is still booked even though my wife left me." 

"You should still take time to process. To manage," you say. 

"If I do that, it will make everything real. And if everything is real, what will I be left with? All I have been since I came out of university was your boyfriend, then you husband and now… Nothing?"

"You're Kim Seokjin, a great singer and a cool performer. You're a father. You're a great creator and you amount to so much more than you think. Being my husband is the least grand title you have ever held, trust me."

"It's the only thing I want to be, _____," Seokjin whispers. 

Hearing his words, these words you have always wanted to hear, makes you mad and sad at the same time, mostly because it's too late. Everything is done now. Tears find their way to your eyes,  making you unable to speak. 

"I shouldn't say things like that, right?" You don't respond, still fighting your tears. Things have been hard for you, too, and being like this with Seokjin… God, it's suffering at its worst. "_____? I have been thinking so much these past months, and I realize how hard it must have been for you, back then. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry I couldn't chose you when I should have." 

"Don't apologize. It won't change anything. We both messed it up," you whisper back. "I meant it when I said I want you, but you have to want me too. Not just when it's convenient, but also when it's hard." 

Locking his eyes on the table, Seokjin speaks slowly. "I want to. More than anything." 

"Then why don't you?" 

"It's not always that easy. At work, I'm not always as great as I might have led on. This industry can easily spit me out, so I have to be better to keep my job. Being better means I have to stay late to practice when I want to go home and have dinner with you. Being better means I have to record when I should be resting. Being better means I have to have stay at work rather than to go home to you." 

"Who made you think like that? I know your fans would love you either way. A mistake on stage isn't going to end your career, but being burnt out might end you, which is so much worse." 

"My manager. Other people… They're right, though. I know I'm lacking and should work to make up for it. Now, I'm not saying that's the whole reason we ended. When I came home feeling alone, tired and frustrated I let it out on you, which I shouldn't have." Seokjin pauses, wondering if he should tell you everything. Figuring he has nothing left to lose, he takes a deep breath and goes on. "I pushed you away because I didn't want to bother you, and after not talking to you about my stuff, it started to feel like you didn't care. Every time I refused to talk about it, it would just fuel this fire I had, and… Now we're here." 

"I didn't know that…" you say, reliving every conversation in your head, trying to pinpoint the exact moments when Seokjin pushed you away, trying to spare you.

"Yeah, that was kind of the point," he chuckles awkwardly. 

"Why didn't you just tell me? I can handle it. I'm your wife, do you not trust me?" 

"I would trust you with my life," Seokjin says, trying to figure out if you misspoke. 

"Then, what…?" 

"I'm your... I was your husband, and the last thing I wanted was to lay my own burdens onto you."

"Seokjin… We are partners. That means your burden is my burden. You didn't need to tell me what happened for me to take on your burden, I took it on just by seing you struggling. That's what happens when I love," you say, subconsciously moving towards Seokjin, who succumbs to his emotions and breaks down again. You place you hand on his shoulder, making him lean onto your thigh. "You can't go your whole life not turning to others for support. Let someone be there for you."

"Someone like you?" 

"Yes." 

"Is that why you haven't filed?" 

"Yes." 

"Is there still a chance for us?" 

And you curse yourself, because after everything, how come the answer is still yes? 

"I can't seem to let you go," you whisper, meeting Seokjin´s eyes. 

"Please," he says, getting on his knees, grabbing onto your hands. "Let us figure this out. Let me be the husband you deserve." 

"Seokjin…" 

"I won't let it be like last time. I refuse to hurt you again." 

"I should get home," you say, readying yourself to get up. Once standing, you look down at Seokjin, trying to contain the butterflies at the sight of his puffy eyes, ruffled hair and pink cheeks. "I think you should drive, I am eight months pregnant, after all." 

"I… What?" 

"Let us go home, Seokjin." 

-> Next Chapter