#i miss being the cold-hearted bitch i was in 2017/18/19

[7xwc]

ok but does anybody knows how to heal from a heartbreak? please lol

[gotatext]

claws my way out of the dirt like the goblin i am ..... hello thots, its nora, once again bringing you a revamped version of a muse i played yonks ago n some of u may have even written against... here is her pinterest.....

this is margaret greta, she’s a whole can of trauma spaghetti plastered over with a toothy grin and a lot of dad jokes. the only reason she’s in gifford really is bcos shes been put there as part of a witness protection program cos lots of police r monitoring livingstone so its deemed relatively safe.... haha... anyway she changes major all the time. she started off doing fine art but since then she’s done modules in architecture, film, bio-chemistry and is now dabbling in medicine. 

CIS-FEMALE — ever hear people say GRETA O’DRISCOLL looks a lot like DIANA SILVERS? I think SHE is about 21, so it doesn’t really work. The MEDICINE major is a SOPHOMORE that is from DEADWOOD, SOUTH DAKOTA. They can be +CHARMING, but they can also be -EVASIVE. I think GEE might be SHEEP. They are living in YATES. ( nora. 23. gmt. she/her )

this bitch is the most restless creature u ever seen. before she came to livingstone, she’d lived in 8 different cities in 3 years. 

was adopted as an infant. had two foster moms and two older sisters so always surrounded by women. lived in a boarding house, very much like the one in 20th century women, with lodgers coming in and out all the time, mostly artsy young women because her gay moms were both high school teachers trying to set up their own arts collective. one of her moms left when she was 4, n she doesn’t really remember her.

while living with entirely women made her super into catlin moran and the guilty feminist, as a teenager she often let boys walk all over her bc she just craved male attention jst bcos she’d never really experienced it. saw it as something aspirational, like sitting in the back of chad’s second-hand truck while he drove you to macdonalds and offered you and his five friends with identical haircuts weed was the height of being cool to greta, she wanted to be their dream girl, even if it meant compromising her beliefs

bubbly bitch but also massive snake. metaphorically and literally, always shedding her skin. loyal to few, ruled by none, out for herself, babey!! every place she goes, she becomes a new character, someone who’s a figment of her imagination, as if each city is repertory theatre and she’s a character actress, so as a result som ppl think she’s called rita, some ppl know her as margot, she just flicks through identities like nobodies business.

goes through phases of being intensely feminist and tweeting “men are trash i don’t need them” before flipping into being lonely and needy n wanting male attention again. tends to gravitate towards men who are just pieces of shit tbh like her friends are always like hun.... pick a nice boy..... but no.... she’ll go for the boxer with several arrest records for gbh or the small-town drug dealer just trying to hook her onto pills for a little extra cash, or the reformed sinner who thinks he’s being protective by reading all her texts and always knowing where she is..... n she always finds a way to spin it so that they Just Care About Her and aren’t a p.o.s 

left school at 18 n didn’t go to uni, moved in w her boyfriend of the time instead, but soon got bored, n then went backpacking around the states making money in the casinos by being a shot girl (yeehaw) and trying to make it as a mysterious 1920s widow with a smoky voice, a dark secret n a heart of gold, looking for love in the big city. all she found was producers and acting agents who’d promise her stardom n actually just fuck her in a motel n then ignore her calls.

TW domestic violence, TW gun, her watershed moment came when she met luke in sioux falls while she was playing bass for a country n blues band. he was a few years older and had a car, and they kind of went from seeing each other to being that super intense couple who are just necking all the time. 

they got engaged like 3 months after they met n rented a flat together, much to her family’s annoyance but she was 19 so there wasn’t much they could do. their relationship was super super intense though, often really heightened and when they fought it could become quite violent, but she’d pass it off as just him being really passionate. 

one of their fights got really heated and greta threatened him with the gun he kept in the glove box of his vauxhall corsa, but the safety was off and she accidentally shot him. she pleaded self defence in the trial n cos of the amount of times she’d been hospitalised for various concussions n things like ‘fallling down the stairs’ the police were like yea... pretty watertight evidence that he was a bastard who [chicago voice] had it coming..... also this happened in 2017, he was mixed race and greta is white so naturally the police totally took her side. she’s now under witness protection, rehoused in livingstone as a sports-scholarship student, due to the amount of police involvement in the area, it would mean should one of luke’s family members try to track her down, she’d be relatively safe

 massive sports fanatic. plays tennis. on the cheer team. was a track superstar in her high school. honestly just that sporty bitch, you’ll see her doing lines at a party at half four and then on your way to your 9am lecture you see her running across the park like a fresh fucking daisy who is this bitch

pretty easy to get along with (provided you don’t anger, provoke or question her too much) because she WANTS your character to be enthralled by her and will do whatever it takes to win them over. she wants everyone to love her

is That Girl who always knows where the parties are, and is always there, on the sofa, talking about institutionalised racism and trying to coerce you into a game of beer pong that she’ll definitely win. doesn’t really have one solid group of friends, just kind of on good terms with everyone and social butterflies about

has changed her major so many times. decision? who is she. currently studying medicine, but doesn’t rlly enjoy it. she’s very unmotivated and lazy and probably wouldn’t ahve bothered going to uni if she hadn’t been placed in one by a witness protection program. will probably change on to history or gender studies soon n just make up the extra credits by volunteering

 massive feminist. low key quite scared of powerful men bcos of her ex. wants to start a female only lesbian commune bc she misses her childhood in a south dakota boarding house and has endless support for women. honestly annoyed that she is attracted to men, would so be 100% gay if it was a choice. cuffs her jeans and can’t drive. is That bisexual. skateboards. wears backwards caps.  i hate her

plays bass guitar, has a teal green fender and it is her BABY. it’s covered in stickers about saving the planet and ending fracking and going vegan. she’s in an all-female punk band w agnes (n mayb jade i think) n they play gigs every now n then in grotty club basements full of druggy sweaty college kids

PERSONALITY: easy-going, sociable, observant, blunt, amiable, nihilistic, self-serving, laid back, independent, unmotivated, charming, lazy, impulsive, alluring. ESTP and a leo

LIKES: art, music, john wayne movies, black mirror, philosophy,  cowboy chic culture, DC comics, arcade games, candyfloss, deep red lipstick, marijuana, dogs, karaoke, Kate Moss, late-night strolls, zip-lining, chemistry, suspenders, cigarettes, herbal tea, gallows humour, cold coffee, long showers, brown eyes, tchaikovsky, dr. seuss, boiler house DJ sets, magnolias, decorative lamps, worn-out furniture, twangy electric guitars.

DISLIKES: bananas, coffee, Woody Allen, mental mathematics, children, Trump, institutionalised misogyny, the imaginary future, french literature, Wes Anderson films, spoken word poetry, the general mentality of cheerleading squads (despite being on one)

aesthetics:

a bubble of pink gum on chapped lips, mom jeans, a beaten up pair of adidas, denim jackets, strawberry laces, knee-highs, chapped lips, peeling sticky plasters, split knuckles, bruises you try to cover with concealer, stick and poke tattoos, hot coffee, sleep caught in your eyes on a lazy afternoon, kissing girls, cigarette smoke shrouding you like a veil, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, the red string of a thong peaking out purposely from jeans, leonine arch of your back and that stellar smile that says ‘you have no idea who you’re dealing with’, a rucksack permanently packed for the move, a streak of red across your lips, roller blades, cut knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your mom wouldn’t take you, kate moss posters lining the walls of a teenage bedroom, his name scrawled in rage across the pages of a diary, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes. 

wanted plots: since greta literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships, and girls from the cheer team who she’s like, weirdly intimate with like the shower together but its not a Thing cos the other girls straight, and I want like, fellow medicine students who are like?? how is this bitch still passing?? i swear she goes out every night?? she works part time at a fast food restaurant, i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry. ppl she did a few modules with before changing course and somehow sort of remaining in touch with, like she did a few art modules, a bit of film, n some architecture before switching to medicine, though she’ll probs switch course again soon. ppl who she runs track with. someone she’s trying to make a zine with. here’s a list of plots on her old blog if u want any of them w her.

would love plots of any type, throw them all at me please, i cnt wait to interact w all of u. like this if u want me to message you about connections / plots! xo

full biography if u can be bothered

trigger warnings: drugs, domestic abuse, gun.

you never meant for it to happen. you’d heard the stories, of girls who let their man walk all over them, and thought to yourself “i’ll never be one of those girls…” the kind that eat low-fat yoghurt and drink slim fast to shred a few extra pounds because he said she was getting round in the tummy, or the ones who spent their evenings tied to a kitchen sink drinking wine while him and the boys played poker, wishing god, if only I could get out of here. not you, not you raised by strong women, four bright shining beacons. single mother with her hard-as-nails attitude and her stony glares, elder sisters (twins) one ginger, one blonde, one doctor, one lawyer, both determined to take a bullet to the brain and a hammer to the patriarchy before they let a man touch them without asking. you were always so inferior, so insecure and small, like a bird (like a sparrow) with blonde plaits down your back sucking tropicana whilst your busom buds sucked dick, their lips permanently ripe with stories of their sexual exploits, fake tan and glittered nails whilst you sat in the unbroken egg of virginity wondering what it was like to be loved. one day you found out.

lily milligan’s parents gone and a free house for the night, bottles of ouzo and tequila swiped from your mother’s liquor cabinet thinking she wouldn’t know (she always knew) your legs, hardened from pep squad, slut dropping on a kitchen table because the boys thought it would be fun to get the quiet girl drunk. you’d never had a sip before that night. band t-shirts, denim shorts and the split soles of rotten converse that you refuse to let go of, you still clutched with both hands to your youth, but in a tube top now (borrowed from alice carmichael who had a sister in college) and a short tennis skirt, your feet not in trainers but in thigh-high boots. uncomfy as hell but lily said you needed to look sexy. you didn’t know if you wanted to be sexy. you didn’t know what kind of girl you were, if you were even a girl at all. but robbie looked at you like he knew exactly who you were, like he knew you better than you knew yourself, and his lips had the pink cupid’s bow of a movie star, and his hair was dark locks, curling like a mane. his hands were soft, and suddenly on your waist, and after three more shots his lips were on yours and his name was the only sound in your head and on your lips as you lost it in lily’s college sister’s bedroom beneath the glare of a T-Pain poster. you bled for what seemed like hours, his hand still in yours, kissing on the sofa as truth tellers and dare devils continued to spin a bottle of unprecedented youth. you thought it was love. robbie was the one. he loved you, you knew it, how else could someone be so soft? but soon he grew bored, scrunched up your paper heart and set it alight. then came the tears, the hatred, the ‘fuck robbie, in fact, fuck all boys.’ and that you did.

you were known for being easy. any boy could be yours for a night, as long as he promised to love you for those few short breaths and pants before you cried yourself to sleep. you felt poisoned, but poisonous as well, as if by ensnaring these young boys you were gaining power over them, and not the other way around. soon it started to work. they’d want more, but you’d deny them it, sick of sucking off silly schoolboys, they’d call you a tease, a vixen. maybe you were, but you couldn’t help but want older men. you got the history teacher first time, him bending you over his desk to sneak a hand up your tennis skirt as the after-school clubs carried on next door, unawares. love didn’t exist, not for you. it was nothing but a game for pretty young girls to play, bubble gum in their canines and a hand tugging at the hem of their cheer skirt.

there was so much anger inside of your small body, ‘beware of boys and their hook-like words’. hockey helped. there was something formidable about the feeling of a stick like a weapon in your hands and the thwack it made against thighs in the heat of a scrum - “slipped, sorry!” - you’d utter with a snakeskin smile, millicent quinn knowing that you’d hit her on purpose because she shagged robbie at that party last week. she couldn’t prove it, cobbled acne on her forehead turning green with disgust. ben came into your life like a car crash. two years your senior, with a baseball jacket and shoulders like a god. he became your personal hero. on the pitch, he was lethal. together, you could bring anyone to their ruin. each day after last period he’d be waiting in his car. you’d leap into his arms like a girl-half starved, love me, love me, love me, your heated kisses the envy of every junior girl. he was yours for three blissful years, utterly yours, and you were his, his star-spangled girl, and he was your knight - you were both the same, playing games, always difficult to predict. it was a shock to all when he proposed, high-school sweethearts find love in south dakota.

the engagement was a bittersweet affair; three months – you barely out of your gingham print skirts and into a graduation gown, him, a surly quarterback towering above your sisters, cigarette at his lips and a scowl like a fart in a lift. they hated him. so did you. but you were eighteen and in love, and he fitted the cookie cutter mould. everyone wanted him, and you had him. you had him and you were happy, happy, happy, and he loved you. he said he’d give you the world, anything you wanted hand-picked and given to you. instead, he gave you a jack russell terrier and a flat you couldn’t swing a cat in, wallpaper peeling like the rotten bits inside of you, the bits that only he knew. and you got tireder and tireder of the sad excuse of a life he’d picked out for you, him out doing god knows what to pay the bills, and you dancing on tables to pave your way to stardom, and this was love, this was real, until the shine wore off and your fresh-faced, dimple-cheeked cheerleader facade faded and the ugliness started to reveal itself, the whining, the petulance, the sharp-tempered cruelty, the mind games, the need to always win, win, win. he was dull, he was boring, he was nothing like the boy the girls had said he was and no chiselled six pack could hide his lack of anything remotely interesting, your patience wearing thin until it snapped like rubber, a rucksack on your back, running shoes on your feet and the joint bank account emptied into your eighth grade birthday wallet.

you built your small fortunes working the casinos of sioux falls, a crimson dress and an attitude to match. bookish archie with his little dipper freckles was fun for a month, before he became just as dull and dreary as the rest. a three hour bus and you were in minneapolis, bright eyed and bushy tailed, fresh meat ready for the pickings. a hostel here, a friendly co-worker’s sofa there as you made what you could by taking off your clothes and shaking your ass like you were back in pep squad, doing what you did best. you met your fair share of creeps, and soon it was back on the road to escape a wide-eyed stalker and a restless itch for more. milwaukee, chicago, you made the roads your own. log cabins and lodgings, and the occasional motel, a beaten up pick up truck purchased at a scrap merchants – you got a few miles out of it before it bit the dust, and when you finally set it alight after nights spent lounging across the driver’s seat, a parka tucked over you as a duvet, you were sad to see it go. you’re nomadic by fault, never attaching to place, people or things, creating a new personality in every place you go like a character actress; each town is a different repertory theatre, and you’re the star. a compulsive liar, you even fib about your own name, to some you’re ellen, nineteen, bookish, a law student who likes smoking and cosmos. to someone else you’re rita, you’re twenty five and look young for your age, like smoking, comics and fucking in public places.

in the bright lights of michigan, you found charlie, sweet charlie, too good for you, though you let him spoil you while he thought you were the small town girl of his dreams. next came abigail, who was fun until the jealously kicked in, and then luke, gorgeous luke, dangerous, exciting, who despite his temper, despite the fights, despite bruises down your spine and your teeth marks on his arms, loved you with the strength of a wild fire. there was destruction in your wishbones, a savageness from the field, from the pitch and now somehow in his arms, you were godly. he was cruel, he was careless, and he refused to fall at your feet like so many other boys had, which only you made you want him all the more. you were rage incarnate. you hated him so fiercely you thought you might kill him, so he played the only card you wouldn’t predict; proposed.

the house you shared was a backstreet flat in detroit, you making your name as a downtown singer while he footed the bill with pills. they had a drug for anything these days, to dull the senses, to pick them up, to drive you to insanity or pull you out of the madness hole. the two of you lived like criminals on the run (you never told him that you were, living out your days as the enigma he wanted you to be), you with your voice like caramel and fishnet legs. you were his and his alone until his hand was at your throat and the gun was in your hands screaming at him to stop, stop, stop, until a bullet stoppered his brain, crimson staining linoleum as you cast yourself out like lucifer. self defence was decreed the moment they saw your violet neck, black tears and headlight eyes and mind screaming red, red, red like the pom-poms you shook so willingly in school and the insides of his skull. you were gone, and “you” was born, renamed “greta”, boxed, shipped-out, and next-day delivered to livingstone where under witness protection you were a student, blank slate, fresh-faced in a place where no one knew your name, doing what you always did and starting again.

[lilmamaash]

1. Last beverage:

water

2. Last phone call:

my best friend hehe

3. Last song you listened to:

All I want - Kodaline

4. Last time you cried:

last night, because i’m simpin lmao

5. Have you dated someone twice:

yes, kinda

6. Have you ever been cheated on:

yes

7. Kissed someone & regretted it:

yessss

8. Have you lost someone special:

yes

9. What are your three favorite colors:

pink, mauve, dusty rose/nude, lilac, white, black

10. Met someone who changed you in the past month:

yes, a boy on tinder lol

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list:

yes

12. How many kids do you want:

4-6 LOL

13. Do you want any pets:

yessss, dogs forsure

14. Do you want to change your name:

yes, my last name when i get married

15. What did you do for your last birthday:

went to soju belly LOL

16. What time did you wake up today:

i can’t remember, i sleep throughout the day.

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for:

to love and finally have that love reciprocated

18. Last time you saw your mother:

earlier before i went to target

19. Most visited webpage:

snapchat or insta

20. Nicknames:

ash

21. Relationship status:

single as fuck

22. Zodiac sign:

capricorn

23. Male or female:

f

24. Height:

4"11

25. Do you have a crush on someone:

yes, i do lolol

26. Piercings:

like 13? some are taken out though.

27. Tattoos:

7!

28. Strong or Weak:

depends on the situation

FIRSTS

29. First surgery:

kindergarten, i broke my arm lmao

30. First best friend:

jenn, nika, tiff, kat, etc

31. First sport you joined:

ballet, if that counts

32. First vacation:

prob vegas for my 10th bday lmao

33. First school:

post elementary

34. First pair of trainers:

i wore my first training bra in like 3rd grade LMAO and i got made fun of and i cried.

WHICH IS BETTER

35. Lips or eyes:

eyes

36. Hugs or kisses:

depends on which person LMAO

37. Shorter or taller:

taller, but i’m short so it doesn’t really matter.

38. Older or younger:

older preferably, but if younger by maybe 1-2 years but not any younger.

39. Romantic or spontaneous:

doesn’t matter as long as i’m with who i wanna be with

40. Sensitive or loud:

sensitive

41. Hook-up or relationship:

relationship

42. Shy or outgoing:

doesn’t matter, as long as we vibe

HAVE YOU EVER

43. Kissed a stranger:

yes, when i was drunk lmao

44. Gotten a speeding ticket:

yes smh LOL

45. Lost glasses/contacts:

contacts forsure, they get stuck on my acrylics without me knowing LOL

46. Sex on first date:

no

47. Broken someone's heart:

doubtful

48. Been arrested:

no

49. Have you turned someone down:

yes

50. Fallen for a friend:

nooo

51. Moved out of town:

not yet, maybe in the future

BELIEVE IN

52. Miracles:

yesssss, i do believe in them

53. Love at first sight:

i believe that a person can fall in love with the connection at first sight, yes lol living it firsthand right now

54. Heaven:

yes

55. Santa Claus:

no, my family was too poor for that lmao

56. Kiss on the first date:

i don’t see anything wrong with it, as long as you feel like there’s a second date too!!!

57. Angels:

yes, my denise esp <3

58. Yourself:

learning

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

59. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time:

nope

60. Been in love with someone you couldn't be with?:

def lmao

61. Ever cheated on somebody:

nooo

62. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?:

childhood, i would try to remember more of it

63. Are you afraid of falling in love:

never, only afraid of not being loved back

64. Was your last relationship a mistake?

like bf/gf? or just interest in someone? cause if so, no. just wish things could’ve been different. wish we could start over.

65. Do you miss your last relationship?

i miss the last guy i was interested in, yes.

66. Who did you last say “i love you” to?

my best friend, jenn hehe

67. Have you ever been depressed?

basically my whole life

68. Are you insecure?

def, isn’t everyone

69. How do you want to die?

peacefully and painlessly lol

70. Do you bite your nails?

if i don’t have acrylics, cause i have anxiety, thats why i have fake nails to prevent it

71. When was your last physical fight?

it’s been a while LOL

72. Do you have an attitude?

guilty

73. Twirl or cut your spaghetti?

twirl

74. Do you tan a lot?

i used to lol

75. Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving?

yessss lol

76. Ever made out in a bathroom?

noooo hahah

77. Would you take any of your exes back?

the last guy i was interested in, yes.

78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

yes

79. What are your plans for this weekend?

bitch, we in quarantine.

80. Do you type fast?

yes

81. Can you spell well?

yes, most times.

82: What are you craving right now?

someone’s attention

83. Have you ever been on a horse?

nooo lol

84. Would you live with someone without marrying them?

yes

85. What’s irritating you right now?

i miss someone a lot but i’m too stupid and emotional and i fucked it up

86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?

yes

87. Does somebody love you?

hopefully lmao my friends and family

88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car?

yes hahaha

89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?

milk!

90. Do you have trust issues?

no, and i think that’s my problem. but i also do get defensive if someone doesn’t text me back/open my snaps but their score is going up lolol so take it as you will

91. Longest relationship?

n/a

92: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?

a don’t have an ex

93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs?

always LMAO idgaf

94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

i try to

95. Did you have dream last night?

yeah and i cried cause it felt so real

96. Have you ever been out of state?

yes

97. Do you play the Wii?

i used to have one!

98. Do you like Chinese food?

yesssss

99. Are you afraid of the dark?

YES LOL

100. Is cheating ever okay?

never wtf

101. What year has been your best?

i can’t even remember, but maybe 2017

102. Do you believe in true love?

yes, i think so.

103. Favorite weather?

cold cold cold, winter forever pls

104. Do you like the snow?

love it

105. Do you like the outside?

depends lmao

106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

love ittttt

107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?

with breaks in between

108. What makes you happy?

my loved ones

109. Ever been to Alaska?

no, but maybe one day!

110. Ever been to Hawaii?

no :(

111. Do you watch the news?

no, i don’t lol i prob should

112. Do you love MTV?

back in the day LMAO

113. Do you like subway?

yessss, i love sammiches

114 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

no, but i wouldn’t care to

115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

been there, done that, we’re still friends

116. Why did you decide to do this quiz?

because i’m bored as fuck in quarantine and i miss this shit lowkey LMAO

117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them?

always, i’m very shy and weird like that

118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

yesssss, i’m v grateful

119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

the guy that i miss lmfao

120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my best friends, myself lol

121. Ever bought condoms?

no haha

122. Ever gotten pregnant?

never

123. Have you ever slipped on ice?

yessss, at work being a bobarista LMAO

124 Have you ever missed the bus?

yessss, in eighth grade, i had to take naother bus home, it was fucking scary LOL

125. Have you left the house without money?

yessss

126. Have you ever smoked cigarettes?

used to :(

127. Have you ever smoked a cigar?

noooo, sounds gross

128. Did you ever drink alcohol?

bitch plssssss

129. Did you ever watch “The Breakfast Club”?

yes!

130. Have you ever been overweight?

all my lifeeee, 4″11 gang

131. Ever been to a wedding?

yes, i fucking love weddings!!

132. Ever been in a wedding?

yes, kinda lol i was shy tho as the flowergirl

133. Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yesss, more so back then.

134. Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight?

yessss, binge watching everything.

135. Ever kissed in the rain?

yesss, it’s not as romantic as you’d think LMAO

136. Did you ever shower with someone else?

as kids, not w a lover

137. Did you ever fail a driver’s test?

nope, never

138. Ever been outside your home country?

no

139. Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours?

yesss, lake tahoe

140. Ever been to a professional sports game?

i don’t think so

141. Have you ever broken a bone?

yesss, my arm in kindergarten

142. Did you ever win a trophy in your life?

like a medal LOL

143. Ever get engaged?

nope, hopefully one day

144. Have you ever been on a diet?

i’ve tried many times

145. Have you ever been on TV?

no

146. Ever ridden in a taxi?

yessss, vegas baby

147. Ever been to prom?

yesss, junior and senior year hehe

148. Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more?

yesss crack head hours

149 Have you ever been to a concert?

so manyyyyy

150. Have you ever had a crush on someone at work?

never LMAO

151. Have you ever been in a car accident?

yes, i wasn’t driving tho

152. Ever had braces?

never 

153. Did you ever learn another language?

nope

154. Do you wear make-up?

usually every day LOL

155. Did you ever have your wisdom teeth taken out?

neverrrr

156. Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself?

yesss lol 

157. Ever dyed your hair?

too many times

158. Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes?

yessss

159. Ever ridden in an ambulance?

no

160. Ever ridden in a helicopter?

no

161. Ever caught the stove on fire?

no

162. Ever meet someone famous?

many people

163. Ever been on an airplane?

never

164. Ever been on a boat?

yes and i get seasick as fuck

165. Ever broken something expensive?

LOL, i’m sure of it

166. Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14?

no, my first kiss was at 15 i believe

167. Did you ever find something valuable on the ground?

a pack of cigs LMAO or the $100 bill my friend accidentally dropped and we finally found it like an hour later

[horoscopesbygil]

Horoscopes by Gil Hizon - Week of February 12 - 18, 2017

Enough.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’ve always been the kind of bitch who thrives on mental stimulation. But this week, get ready to give that good ol’ heart a little workout, as you become exposed to shitloads of emotional stimuli. Bitch, you’re gonna need a lot of Kleenex just to get through the coming days. And need I clarify, the tissues will be needed to dry tears. =====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

This week, you’re gonna get torn away from Dreamland, only for yo ass to be dropped on the cold, harsh pavement of reality. It’s gonna take awhile for you to get your bearings, like when you’ve been in a stripper joint all night and when you finally leave, it’s fucking daylight out there. Rest assured, though, after minutes of squinting, yo ass will adjust. =====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You’re right on schedule to fucking act out like the little child that you are. And bitch, I don’t mean that in a condescending way. Certain events have happened in your vicinitay that has awakened something inside of you. The only way that you can eradicate unjust shit is to rely on that innate part of you that you do best: Temper tantrums. Get to it! =====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You know what your problem is? You’re used to reacting to shit, rather than being proactive about it. I know that it usually takes a lot to get yo ass up from that couch -- more specifically, twinkies and slurpees -- but crucial shit is happening outside that demands your utmost attention. Wake up, hunty! Just because bitches ain’t coming for you right now, it don’t mean they never will. =====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You have a certain point of view that is different from the rest of us queens. That shit usually comes out when we least expect it, but when it does, it’s fucking enlightening. This week will be no different, as certain hos pontificate certain aspects of the world in a monotone way. If there’s anyone who can give lots of color into bitches’ thinking, it’s you, mama! =====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Your crabby ass demeanor is gonna have to get over it, queen! This week, there ain’t no time for holding grudges or emotional hangups because you don’t have that many people in your corner right now. Bitch, you’re understaffed and there’s a lot of shit that are demanding your attention. It’s time to put on a thicker skin and slay your list of priorities one by one. =====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

For someone who’s used to being the center of attention, this week is gonna be fucking ROUGH. Suffice it to say that every bitch and ho and their moms are too busy dealing with their own shits to even look at chu. I wouldn’t take it personally. Take this week to work on your own stuff, and by the time it’s all perfect and shit, everyone will be ready to see it. =====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’re in super-hyper-organizational mode, which means that you’re more than happy to cut a bitch that gets in your OCD path. What you may not be realizing is that, you have more time than you think. Easily laying out all your priorities will make you see that you’re being too obsessive (really? yes queen) for your own good. We know that being overwhelmed is not your forte, but diva, you have enough bandwidth to handle it so chill the fuck out. =====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Don’t even get me started with you, LIBBY. You know you’ve been in the wrong these past few weeks. Bitches be mad at chu and no amount of niceties and pleasantries will change their minds. You must get to the root of where their grudge is coming from and face that shit head on. You have more power to change people’s reactions to your baggage than you think. =====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Look, you’re saying yes too much, and now that your neck deep in obligations, all I can say is, you brought this upon yourself. The good news is that all the bitches you associate with are sane, understanding people. Backing off from a few commitments will not ding yo ass. Conversely, it will show people that you’re just like the rest of us human beings. =====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Usually, you’re Miss Comme Ci Comme Ca, but this week, you are Miranda Priestly-ing the shit out of your responsibilities. It is very unlike you to lay down the law and aim for perfection, but perhaps, you are done settling for less than what you deserve. I urge you to keep going down this path. Not just because I’m a triple fucking VIRGO, but also because I think that this could be good for your soul. =====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

This week, I give you leeway to be your most gung-ho, take-no-prisoners kind of diva. I mean, this is really the time to get your biggest shoulder pads out of your Dynasty closet and Alexis Carrington Colby your way through your day-to-day duties. Not only will you get your shit done, but you’ll be turning heads as you do them. =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

[patricksilvrrozartistry]

Current Music Obsessions: February 15 - 28, 2017

Sorry for doing this so late. I was pretty busy these past few days and didn’t have the time to share this till now. Better late than never! I have quite a few picks for these past 2 weeks, all thanks to me purging my watch later list again.

Here are the honorable mentions:

Ayreon - The Day That the World Breaks Down Ravenscry - Oscillation Mindless Faith - Leachate Dol Theeta - Keep Deep Obsidians Curse - What I Would Give Sede Vacante - Hate Eternal Battle of Mice - Sleep and Dream Azylya - Darkness Ascending Lost Kings - Quit You feat. Tinashe Even Vast - Dawning Gloom Haze - Afterglow The Northern - Umbra Eisblume - Warten Auf Ein Wunder Villainess Ambition - Undying Sarea - Downfall Daylight Misery - Θλιβερός Χειμώνας (Sorrowful Winter) Isaz Corp. - Out of the Door Amaran - Atropine Deadlock - Carbonman Lightfall - Who We Are Them Guns - Horoscope Parasite of God - Through Sorrows Illuminata - Cold Hands Warm Hearts Asteroids - Scream Birds of Tokyo - Harlequins G.O.T.H. - Darkly in Cradle Ex Deo - The Roman Talvienkeli - Atlas

I think there are more honorable mentions this time, but let’s see those real obsessions!

1) AfterTime - World We've Lost

I came across these guys on Facebook one day, and let me tell you, this is some epic stuff! AfterTime is a symphonic/cinematic power metal band and they just recently released a new EP called World We've Lost, and I must say, I am really excited to listen to it. After hearing this song, I am blown away by how epic it is! Can't wait to hear more from these guys!

2) Magion - Forever Mine

Magion are a symphonic gothic/power metal band that I discovered randomly one day through the recommended videos on YT and this song is far from epic and powerful. It's so dramatic and beautiful. So good. So good. I highly recommend you guys give this song a listen!

3) Sound Storm - Original Sin

Sound Storm is a power metal band that I've been into for a hot minute now. They have a new lead singer and he's just as good as their previous singer. Vertigo is such an epic, beautiful, amazing and powerful album. This song here is definitely one of my favorites off it.

4) Starset - My Demons

I discovered this song a while back on Tumblr and rekindled my love for it not too long ago. It's such an epic song and is what introduced me to this band. Of the few songs I've heard from them, this is definitely the most cinematic. It's an epic song that is a perfect blend of cinematic and nu metal. It's so good.

5) Blackdahlia - Falling Down

I discovered this song a few years ago, but the video randomly got stuck in my head one day and continued to stick around for nearly A YEAR. I didn't have the song stuck in my head, but the music video for it. When I finally found it, I fell in love with the song all over again. Such a great blend of alternative metal and gothic metal.

6) Sisters ov the Blackmoon - Blackbyrd

I wound up rekindling my love for this track not too long ago. This is some doomy, sludgey goodness right here. I learned about these guys through following there lead singer, Sasha, on IG and decided to give them a listen a couple years ago. I still have yet to listen to any of their other stuff. I really need to fix that.

7) Across the Sun - Before the Night Takes Us

Another rekindled song from a band I came across a couple years ago and need to look more into. This is a perfect blend of symphonic metal, progressive metal and metalcore. Such an epic song. The breakdowns are beyond amazing and are total ball busters.

8) MILCK - Quiet

I came across this song through the recommended videos on YT. The singer's voice is so great. So peaceful and beautiful. This was the theme for the Women's March that toook place last month and it's message is so clear. But this song isn't just for women's equality, but equality in general. No matter race, gender, gender identity, sexuality, religion, etc.; we are all human beings and deserve to be treated no different than anyone else.

9) ShadowPlay - Home

I'm not sure if I talked about this song when it was first released, but if I did, I'M TALKING ABOUT IT AGAIN. These guys dropped one of the best music videos ever, and it's there first ever! The visuals and outfits are EVERYTHING. Definitely one of my favorite music videos ever! The song is absolutely GORGEOUS and to die for. If you haven't already done so, you NEED to listen to this song and watch the video. You will not be disappointed!

10) Dismal - Microcosm & Macrocosm

If you've ever wondered what symphonic doom metal and experimental/ambient music blended together would sound like, this is it! It's such a beautiful song. I've heard quite a few bands try to do stuff like this, but they always wind up turning extremely chaotic. But this song is quite different. It has structure and is absolutely breathtaking. HIGHLY recommend this!

11) Dagoba - When Winter...

Once again, another rekindled song from years ago. The reason I originally decided to look into Dagoba was because they were going to go on tour with Epica and I was curious as to what they sounded like and I found this song and fell in love. I still love this song. It's so epic, powerful and just so fucking good! Quick question. Do you guys pronounce it Day-goh-bah (like how they do in Star Wars) or Dah-goh-bah (that's how Simone pronounced it when announcing that tour all them years back)? I use the second when refering to them, but use the first when refering to the swamp planet.

12) Ignea - Şeytanu Akbar

I've talked about Ignea quite a few times now and I can honestly say, I haven't heard anything less than amazing yet. This song is definitely not for everyone. They approached a social issue head on to bring attention to real issue behind Islam, and that is the people who justify their terrible acts in the name of a religion built on peace. Their approach to this is VERY abrasive, especially with a name like Şeytanu Akbar (which roughly translates to "in faith of the devil"), but it grabs your attention in order to expose you to this issue. It's an amazing song with such a powerful message. Islam will become a religion of peace again.

13) Disperse - Surrender

I have a feeling this is going to be a band I'm going to become obsessed with. This is the second song I've heard from them, and I am LOVING what I'm hearing! They're an atmospheric progressive metal band that I discovered through their record label, Season of Mist. This song is just so great to chill to. It's almost as if shoegaze and progressive metal had a baby. It's so good! I can't wait to give their new album a listen! Highly encourage you guys to check them out.

14) Egregor - Metamorfosis

Egregor is an alternative/progressive metal band that I discovered a while back that I'm falling in love with. They recently posted all the songs from their album, Karma, on their YT channel and I decided to add a song from it onto my watch later list and this was the lucky one that made it and I'm so glad it did. This song is so great! It has a really great vibe to it and I absolutely love it!

15) Bare Infinity - Hear Me Out

THEY'RE BACK, BITCHES! I've been a big fan of Bare Infinity for many years now. I do miss Angel, but Ida is such a great fit for them, and this song is pure proof of that! This is the first song that they've released off their upcoming album, The Butterfly Raiser (which can I say is an EPIC title and the cover art is GORGEOUS), and I absolutely love it! The hype for this new album is so real. Bare Infinity have definitely evolved into such an amazing band. Always Forever was an amazing album, but I feel like this new sound that they've acquired suits them so well and is absolutely gorgeous! HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!

16) Never Awake - Wander

Apparently I already came across this song of theirs, but I completely forgot about it lol. I've mentioned these guys once before a while back, but they are a progressive power metal band that I discovered randomly one day and am really enjoying. I think this has to be my favorite song I've heard from them so far. It has this atmosphere to it that I am in love with.

17) Dark Portrait - The Rise of the Anti-Christ feat. Iliana Tsakiraki (Enemy of Reality)

I came across this song while browsing on the metal archives at different songs that Iliana is featured on and came across this symphonic black metal track. This. Is. EPIC. So dramatic and powerful. So much yes. I LOVE the drama that Iliana gives this track and the power of the rest of the band matches hers. It can be hard for bands to not be overshadowed by a guest singer that is dramatic and intense like Iliana, so it's amazing seeing that they matched her drama and intensity with this track. Definitely am going to look more into these guys!

18) Silent Stream of Godless Elegy - Mokoš

I've been obsessed with this song for a while, but I only knew of the live version that Season of Mist shared on their channel a couple years ago. I decided to listen to the album version and fell in love it. It's just as good on the album as it is in that live video. But the thing I LOVE about this version is the choir bits near the end. So beautiful and powerful. I REALLY need to listen to more from this folk doom metal band!

19) Lana Del Rey - Love

This song is everything. It's so beautiful. The video is gorgeous. Just yes. The sound reminds me so much of Born to Die and Paradise and I am hoping she's going back to that sound. That was her best sound in my opinion. Honeymoon and Ultraviolence were good, but Born to Die and Paradise are truly what made me fall in love with Lana. Also, can we talk about the fact that Lana is SMILING while singing in this video?! Listen to this. It's amazing.

20) Corvyx - I Don't Wanna Live Forever feat. JAX (Zayn & Taylor Swift cover)

I remember listening to the original version of this song because people were going on about how amazing it was, but as usual, it was just some mediocre pop bullshit. BUT THIS COVER IS EVERYTHING. It's so pretty and so nice to chill to. It gets stuck in my head rather easily, but I'm not mad about it.

21) Infy - Love Song

GUYS. IT HAS HAPPENED. LGBT REPRESENTATION IS SYMPHONIC METAL!!!! I am LIVING for this music video!!! I have been waiting for a symphonic metal band to do a video centered around the LGBT community for so long. I know Ruins of Elysium have lyrics centered around the community, but this video is GAY. So many gay relationships and makeouts. YES. no. YAAASSSSS!!!! It always makes me beyond happy whenever I see metal music videos with strong LGBT themes because me being not only a metalhead but also bisexual, seeing representation that is so out in the open like in this video, it makes my heart sing. The song is absolutely gorgeous and beyond epic. My favorite song released this year so far, no doubt about it!

That’s it for those weeks! HOPEFULLY I’ll be back to doing shorter lists soon. I’m still working on purging my watch later playlist. Binging shows is not good for my watch later list lol.

[ultraviolent-brontosaurus]

Inbox me numbers? Please??

1: Are you ready for 200 questions? Kill Me 
2: Was your last relationship a mistake? Hahahahahahaha 
3: Do you miss your last relationship? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 
4: Who did you last say “i love you” to? Tilda? Actually, shit, no Ivo or Benedict 
5: Do you regret it? Never 
6: Have you ever been depressed? Good Juan, man 
7: Are you a boy or girl? Boy 
8: Are you insecure? Good Juan, man 
9: What is your relationship status? Taken, boys 
10: How do you want to die? Do I want to die? God, that's a difficult question 
11: What did you last eat? ;) A sausage sandwich, then yoghurt. What do you know, that did sound dirty. Sorry for the lack of anticlimax... Heh, climax 
12: Have you played any sports? I have played lots of sports..... but never like that. 
13: Do you bite your nails? Nope. I have recovered and reintegrated into society 
14: When was your last physical fight? Year seven. On a golf course in Slovenia. Wish that was a joke. 
15: Do you have an attitude? I'll have your attitude if you're not careful. 
16: Do you like someone? I hate everyone *emo* 
17: What is your real name? Macks Christ, I even ducked that one up 
18: Have you ever read a book? Good Juan, man 
19: Are you gonna get high later? I'll get you high if you're not careful 
20: Do you hate anyone at the moment? I don't like hating 
21: Do you miss someone? Yeah, quite a few. Yes I miss you most. 
22: Twirl or cut your spaghetti? *AUSTRALIAN DEATH RATTLE* Twirl boiiiii 
23: Do you tan a lot? Fuck tans dude, white is right kill me 
24: Have any pets? Three, Chippy, Florrie and Tilda 
25: How exactly are you feeling? Not bad, you? 
26: Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving? Yes... not while driving but while someone has. 
27: Ever made out in a bathroom? U no it 
28: Would you take any of your exes back? See above 
29: Are you scared of spiders? Nahhhh that's cool memes son 
30: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Nup. I might stay here though 
31: Do you regret anything from your past? Hohoooooo 
32: What are your plans for this weekend? I might be seeing Archie from Balamory? Who knows 
33: Do you want to have kids? Who says I don't already 
34: Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M? Does Mulcare count? 
35: Do you type fast? Christ knows. Took me an hour to type the alphabet three times once 
36: Do you have piercings? Nup 
37: Want anymore? Not anymore, no 
38: Can you spell well? W-e-l-l gosh ain't I witty 
39: Do you miss anyone from your past? See above 
40: What are you craving right now? Yoghurt. Batman Lego. Dat meme. Good exam results. No death but a world that doesn't get overpopulated. My friends not to leave me and have happy lives. A copy of The Lorax on DVD. 
41: Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes indeed, Jake was clubbing 
42: Ever had a silly band? What??? 
43: Have you ever been on a horse? Yes? 
44: Kissed someone in a pickup truck? Ahaha I love how specific this is. No but thank you 
45: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I doubt it? Maybe that meme but no one else 
46: Have you ever been cheated on? Nahhhhhhh I hope 
47: Have you ever made a boyfriend/­­girlfriend cry? Yusss 
48: Are you thinking of someone right now? Yusssssssss 
49: Would you live with someone without marrying them? Hull yusssssssss 
50: What should you be doing? Slepping 
51: What’s irritating you right now? I'd say "these" if I hadn't become self aware 
52: Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? I'll hurt you in a minute 
53: Does somebody love you? I hope so 
54: What is your favorite color? The colour of edge (is a color the same as a colour?) 
55: Have you ever changed clothes in a car? Yes, I think so 
56: Milk chocolate or white chocolate? I've already said "white is right" ironically, so both are good plz 
57: Do you have trust issues? Nope, I'm far too trusting 
58: Best friends name? Edgy McKillme 
59: 2nd best friends name? Killmeme McEdgy 
60: 3rd best friends name? Edgy McMuffmeme 
61: Longest relationship? 7.5 months 
62: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? That I'm bad at Latin Just realised that makes no sense, okay. 
63: Who was the last person you cried in front of? Teldo 
64: Do you give out second chances too easily? Hahaha yes 
65: Is it easier to forgive or forget? Is there a big difference? Both, really. Probably forgive cause that's less ambiguous 
66: Is this year the best year of your life? 2016 was, most definitely. 2017 is only 11 days old 
67: What was your childhood nickname? Moby was a big'un 
68: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? Have you ever seen blood in the moonlight, Will? It looks quite black. 
69: Favorite food? ;)) I enjoy eating emojis with double chins 
70: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Don't you philosophy me, who are you, fucking Stephen Law? (https://mobile.twitter.com/stephenlaw60?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor) 
71: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Found out that Alfred's hand was broken :( 
72: Did you have dream last night? How can you go to sleep if you don't know how to have dreams. 
73: What is bothering you? You. 
74: Have you ever been out of state? What? I was once liquid but I think that's probably being out of phase 
75: Do you play the Wii? HELL YES ONLY CONSOLE I'VE EVER OWNED. 
76: Are you listening to music right now? Frankie Goes To Hollywood singing Bruce Springsteen 
77: Do you like Chinese food? It's fine 
78: Who are you texting right now? I'm not, I'm doing these! 
79: Are you afraid of the dark? I have lots of black friends 
80: Is cheating ever okay? Only if it's in a game of Cheat or Crunch (good meme that one) 
81: Are you mean? I hope not 
82: Can you keep white shoes clean? I'm a dirty, dirty boy ;))) 
83: What year has been your best? See above. It'll check how you've been reading 
84: Do you believe in true love?
Lou Truv is my favourite jazz musician 85: Favorite weather? It's grey but quite light and quite cold and incredibly windy <3 
86: Do you like the snow? 'Schill HAHA ACCIDENTAL PAN 
87: Does it snow a lot where you live? It doesn't do anything a lot where I live 
88: Do you like the outside? The outside of what? 
89: Are you currently bored? Are you currently boring me? 
90: Do you want to get married? Yuss 
91: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? Depends which boy/girl 
92: Are you hungry? That's the trick, Steve. I'm always hungry (For Ruby <3) 
93: Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? I don't tend to check the time during 
94: What makes you happy? Dat meme 
95: Would you change your name? Already have ;))) 
96: Ever been to Alaska? You fucking normie piece of shit 
97: Ever been to Hawaii? With the miracle of storytelling that is Moana, haven't we all? 
98: Do you watch the news? Send news 
99: Do you love MTV? Send MTV 
100: Do you like subway? Send subway 
101: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? From this distance, Yeah 
102: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? It's fine, she lives in Australia 
103: Do you talk like your friends? Jack Crawford heard the rhythm and syntax of his own speech in Graham's voice. He had heard Graham do that before, with other people. Often in intense conversation Graham took on the other person's speech patterns. At first, Crawford had thought he was doing it deliberately, that it was a gimmick to get the back-and-forth rhythm going. Later Crawford realized that Graham did it involuntarily, that sometimes he tried to stop and couldn't. 
104: Why did you decide to do this quiz? Tilda's a bitch 
105: Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? I was a carrying a cake and pretended George was sad 
106: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? If I had a meme page for every gender, I'd have One Big Meme But no, girls are dumb 
107: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? Tildah 
108: Do you feel good? I would but I think he might smite me 
109: Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? OH MY GOD IF YOU SPELL YOUR NAME BACKWARDS IT HAS LIT IN IT 
110: Favorite lyrics right now? I'd do some Chaucer (Celery Soup, Am I Depressed Or Am I Just In Love?, Now I Am On Mars, Charlie Church Falls In Love, Abraham Lincoln Ate Carbs, And So Will I) Also loads of AJJ But I'm just gonna resort to the old I Swipe Right: Chivalry's dead, I shot him square between the eyes Romance is dead and I'd like to bury her deep between your thighs. 
111: Can you count to one million? After twenty, doesn't it get far easier? 
112: Ever bought condoms? TiLdaX 
113: Ever gotten pregnant? Hell yes, good meme haha wit 
114: Ever failed a class? That doesn't really happen over here 
115: Ever kissed a boy? Oh dear 
116: Ever kissed a girl? Not willingly 
117: Ever used a little paper bag for lunch? Nah, a box every time matey. Paper tastes disgusting 
118: Have you ever had a job? Nip Heh 
119: Have you ever slipped on ice? I've slipped on Iced, album by Chaucer (give me free stuff) 
120: Have you ever missed the bus? I'll miss your bus if you're not careful 
121: Have you left the house without money? Have I ever left money without my house? 
122: Did you ever bully someone on the internet? Instagram @reall_boyzz 
123: Did you ever sexted someone? What is sex? 
124: Have you ever had sex in public? What is public? 
125: Did you ever played on a sports team? What is sports? 
126: Have you ever smoked weed? Why would someone smoke a weed? 
127: Have you ever smoked cigarettes? Ew, no, cigarettes aren't cool!! 
128: Have you ever smoked a cigar? Smoking isn't cool! 
129: Did you ever drink alcohol? I am a Methodist. 
130: Did you ever watched “The Breakfast Club”? Yeah, me and my friends played a drinking game 
131: Have you ever been overweight? The Wii fit said I did but I think it was out to get me 
132: Ever had an eating disorder? I'll have one eating disorder to go please 
133: Ever been to a wedding? Did that count? 
134: Ever been in a wedding? Not with consent 
135: Did you ever made fun of someone for being fat? Fat is coooool 
136: Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Mum and dad only let me have an hour of computer time a day 
137: Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight? TV time is only for school holidays 
138: Ever been late for work? Ever been late to shut up? 
139: Ever been late for school? Ew no fuck you 
140: Ever kissed Eva Braun? Fuckin slut 
141: Did you ever showered with someone else? Yes. 
142: Did you ever fail a driver’s test? I'm not sure, what was this driver testing me on? 
143: Have you ever run a mile in less than 10 minutes? Fuck off mate 
144: Ever been outside my home country? Maybe? I'm usually outside your home 
145: Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? I've never been on any kind of trip longer than five hours. I mean, I have. My longest is 26 
146: Did you ever get your heart broken? I bought a really nice copy for three quid from Tesco. Val Kilmer and At Pacino but my DVD player overheated and melted it, it was shit, I never got to the end 
147: Ever had a credit card? I'll credit your card 
148: Ever been to a professional sports game? Japan vs USA women's football, London 2012!!! 
149: Did you ever broken a bone? Did you ever fucking what kill yourself 
150: Have you ever been unhappy about my weight? No, you're the perfect size! You're cuddly! 
151: Did you ever won a trophy in your life? Please learn English 
152: Did you ever cut yourself for no reason? I mean, I cut myself three questions ago but that was because this quiz takes the joy out of every part of my fucking life 
153: Do you have STD? Does mouth herpes from a forest count? 
154: Ever got engaged? Nip Ooh, it happened again 
155: Have you ever been on a diet? I'll be on your diet if you're not careful 
156: Did you ever been on TV? EYYYHFVNMOY 
157: Ever rode in a taxi? I'll rode in your taxi 
158: Ever been to prom? How dare you, I'll have you know my hard drive is clean and has no filthy images 
159: Ever played a drinking game? THIS DEOENDS. IS PRETENDING VODKA IS WAYER FOR A YEAR CAUSING SOMEONE TO GO INTO A PARANOID SPIRAL DURING A TIME A FUCKING GAME 
160: Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more? I'll lick you 
161: Ever been to a concert? Yes 
162: Ever had a three-some? No 
163: Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same sex? I've crushed someone during sex, yes 
164: Have you ever been in a car accident? I was an accident 
165: Ever had braces? I'll brace you if you're not careful 
166: Did you ever learn another language? Evidently you haven't learnt English 
167: Ever killed an animal? Human is the dangerous most animals. More like animan. 
168: Ever been to a Japanese steakhouse? Japanese are tasty 
169: Do you wear make-up? Only to my specialist parties 
170: Did you ever talked to someone via webcam? Spiders are cool 
171: Did you ever have wisdom teeth taken out? Teeth are cool 
172: Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself? I mean, they tell me I'm racist towards Americans so I assume yes 
173: Did you ever snuck out of the house? Aaaaaaaaa 
174: Did you ever bought porn? Aaaaaaaaaa 
175: Ever had a virus on your computer? I'll virus on you if you're not careful 
176: Ever dyed your hair? Never doing it after Sick Boy 
177: Thanks 
178: Did you ever graduated from college? Nope 
179: Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes? Ew who wears clothes 
180: Ever rode in an ambulance? That would be cooooool 
181: Ever rode in a helicopter? Edgyyyyyy 
182: Ever caught the stove on fire? What 
183: Ever got in a verbal fight? I'll fucking fight you mate 
184: Ever meet someone famous? Thomas Bate 
185: Have you ever been on vacation? Speak English 
186: Ever been on an airplane? No 
187: Ever been on a boat? No 
188: Ever broken something expensive? No 
189: Did you ever have surgery in your life time? No 
190: Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14? No (genuinely) 
191: Ever beat a video game? No 
192: Ever got in a fist fight? No 
193: Did you ever find something valuable on the ground? No 
194: Did you ever stalk someone on facebook/ MySpace? There's no one I haven't 
195: Have you ever prank called someone? No 
196: What are your top 3 favorite colors? No No No 
197: What is your number 1 favorite sport? No 
198: What’s your favorite singer/rapper? No 
199: What is your number 1 favorite animal? and why? No No 
200: Did you think this looked like fun to do? Good one matey lol deez nuts gotteeeeeem

[4ever-untitled]

My Favorite 20 albums of 2017!

Do these things really need an introduction? This year sucked once again, so let’s just focus on the good music that happened okay? Without further ado, my favorite 20 albums of 2017:

Honorable mentions

St. Vincent - MASSEDUCTION 

Rapsody - Laila’s Wisdom 

Blanck Mass - World Eater 

Kesha - Rainbow

Pond - The Weather

Rostam - Half-Light

Birthing Hips - Urge To Merge

20.  Alex G - Rocket

“Incoherent” is a word I suppose you could use to describe Rocket, the seventh album from Alex Giannascoli, but I prefer the term “idea-full”. When your head is full of shit to say, it’s not all gonna come out as a simple little guitar ditty. It might come out as a strange looping piano ballad, or even a Death Grips-esque noise rap track. What I’m saying is, feelings are complex and hard to pin down, and Alex G does his best to wrestle with them on here. It’s a balls-to-the-wall, heart-on-your-sleeve country/folk/rock/noise odyssey that feels immensely personal and universal at the same time. Incoherent? Hey, aren’t we all?

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPuxLpVus-k

19. Vince Staples - Big Fish Theory

Everyone’s doing trap. Everyone’s doing mumble rap with the Migos flow. Fuck rattling high hats. Fuck ad-libs. Big Fish Theory was an important statement this year; a high profile rapper who teamed up with some underground electronic music producers (not beat makers) to make something truly unique that tried to give the hip-hop envelope a little shove. Here’s the thing though: it still goes really REALLY hard. Vince took a lot of risks on Big Fish Theory, songwriting and production wise, and the results speak for themselves.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6iAzyhm0p0

18. Mount Kimbie - Love What Survives

Sometimes cold, nearly inhuman music can be some of the most emotionally potent. Radiohead's Kid A comes to mind. Albums that are unflinchingly ugly in their worldview and take every effort to make the music sound like it was created against their will, or perhaps by some machine. Love What Survives manages to sound distant, even otherworldly, and yet also jam packed with feeling. Electronic music has an inherent disconnect to it, like the listener was never considered in the first place, but Mount Kimbie manages to put a great amount of humanity to their throbbing electro post-punk. The results, a mix of electronic bleakness and a rich emotional core, are extraordinarily potent front to back, with excellent vocal performances from some of indie music's most unique voices. Mount Kimbie puts humanity into ugly music because, when you take a good look at it, life as a human is pretty damn ugly.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1kzMFnFSh0

17. Neil Cicierega - Mouth Moods

(Read my full review here) Yes, I’m serious. You know why I’m serious? Because everyone has their thing. We all have our little niche that we fulfill in this world. We all have something we’re good at. Neil Cicerega’s niche (while he is multi-talented) is making mashup albums, and I’ll be damned if he’s not the best at it. With this, his third installment in the Mouth series, Neil has made the mashup a form of high art. The lines between ironic enjoyment and genuine appreciation are blurred as songs you’ve become familiar with are chopped and screwed and combined in a way that seems in one sense horrific, but in another sense totally amazing. Mouth Moods is hilarious and incredibly enjoyable, but after a couple listens, you don’t listen to laugh, you listen to appreciate. A lot of time and care went into these tracks, and the mere idea of some of these combinations are commendable in their own right (AC/DC’s ”Back in Black” and Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” absolutely should not work together, and yet...) This is some of the most fun I’ve had with an album this year, and many moments left me genuinely very impressed, so I’d say that more than justifies it being on this list. It’s not just a meme. This is good music, whether you like it or not.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsoCe7C4Kmk

16. milo - who told you to think??!!??!!??

“I don’t even really have to rap/my nigga, it’s about if you can talk good” proclaims Milo on so the flies don’t come cut “A Song About a Raygunn (An Ode To Driver)”, and on who told you to think, it seems he’s begun talking really good. Milo’s lyricism on flies was poetic, but what he does here on the follow up is straight-up poetry. Less focus on hooks and beats (though those are also very good) and more focus on the words. He seems like the kind of person who obsesses over every syllable, and will never throw in a bar that doesn’t mean the world to him. Milo’s meticulous and abstract style makes diving into his lyrics an absolute blast. He’s a rapper for kids who are tired of hearing about bitches and hoes and want more Shakespeare references and terms that they have to look up in the regular dictionary rather than the urban one. High poetry over a beat. The essence of hip-hop.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mMOsl8qpfc

15. Richard Dawson - Peasant

I, and I’m am sure many others, would file this album in the same category as Joanna Newsom’s Ys. What category is that you ask? Lyrics and melodies that exude a sense of adventure, song structures that meander and drift like waves on the ocean, and stories that feel like mini epics. It doesn’t have a name, but it’s a damn exciting little nook of music that isn’t heard often, and Dawson nails it. Listening to this thing really does feel like a journey; one that’s constantly evolving and never ever boring. Dawson appears to have some sort of fascination with medieval storytelling and instrumentation. But don’t worry, this thing doesn’t sound like Renaissance Fair music. It has a great sense of modern experimentation and loose song structure that differentiates it from actual medieval music, and from pretty much anyone else making folk music right now. It’s an ambitious and wildly fun freak folk album that will draw you in with both its story and its charisma.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7iW5OEeCUw

14. Remo Drive - Greatest Hits

Aw man I miss being in a band in high school. We were one of the smart ones who weren’t under the illusion that “getting big” would be easy if we just really wanted it. We were just in it for fun. Remo Drive, a Minnesotan emo band, are some young whippersnappers who were in the same boat as me in high school, but through some good promotion (including a shoutout from a certain popular music nerd), the boys made it big. I’d be jealous if these guys didn’t completely deserve their success. Okay well, I’m still a little jealous. Regardless, Greatest Hits is a remarkably good debut, and one that has given emo kids around the country something new to latch onto and rightfully obsess over. Is it perfect? No. There are still kinks to work out. But I fucking love this thing and, considering this is their debut album, they can only get better and will hopefully one day become one of the emo greats. Just a prediction though. Maybe they’ll totally blow it. That would suck, but at least we’ll always have the awesome soaring hooks of Greatest Hits to re-listen to over and over and over. And over. 

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kaMiIaT-sg

13. SZA - Ctrl

Love in 2017 is a weird thing. Everyone's so sex positive (which is a great thing!) that more people are open to hookups or being friends with benefits. That's all good and fun, but it can potentially lead to a lot of hurt feelings and heartbreak if there is a lack of communication. Modern music likes to pretend this isn't the case and that we're all out there trying to find a soulmate, but SZA knows what's really going on. She's tired of being used, and she's not afraid to call out shitty behavior by the men in her life. As you could probably guess, this album is very sexual. In fact, “Doves In The Wind” features the word "pussy" exactly 27 times. But sex and relationships is topic that needs to be discussed in 2017, especially from the female perspective. Having a casual hookup can be awkward and being sexually adventurous sometimes leaves something to be desired; a deep connection with another human being. It's not easy, but it's something worth fighting for. SZA tackles all this with a unique flow and swagger, while still keeping herself vulnerable enough for the listeners to connect to her struggle, which is one the most relatable struggles for young people today: have fun and be casual, or try to find something serious? What Ctrl teaches us is that the answer will only come if you try both, inevitably fail, and then learn from your mistakes. Maybe make a great album about it while you’re at it.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMD63TwzB1o

12. Open Mike Eagle - Brick Body Kids Still Daydream

Your childhood home is more than just 4 walls with a floor and a ceiling.  Your childhood home is your childhood. Every memory, good or bad, significant or minor, revolves around your home. Mike Eagle’s childhood home, the Robert Taylor Homes in Chicago, was demolished several years ago. Using this symbolic destruction, Open Mike Eagle crafted a subtly ambitious and low-key concept album. He uses it is a jumping off point for insightful takes on life for poor minorities in big cities. He also takes time to reminisce on his memories of the projects, both good and bad. It's intimate, smart, and breezy. But most importantly, it's a meaningful exploration on what it really means to be at home. 

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQxXubLTIBw

11. Fleet Foxes - Crack-Up

Six years may feel like a long time to wait for an album, but the scope and ambition of Crack-Up justifies it. This is Fleet Foxes’ most dense and intricate album, and one that takes a few listens to fully digest, but also rewards multiple listens with it’s lush soundscapes that reveal a little more of themselves each time. People who, like me, felt that Helplessness Blues was near perfection may not completely vibe with this, but I think that if you truly sit down and give this album a chance, you’ll find a deep beauty to it that’s just as satisfying as anything the band has ever made. It really does feel like an album that would take six whole years to make.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GqgNebPm50

10. Brockhampton - SATURATION Trilogy

In a decade or so when I’m looking back at music through the years, I’ll think about 2017, and immediately go “Oh shit! That was the year of Saturation!” I can’t remember the last time I was as excited about a new force in hip hop as I am about Brockhampton. The three records they dropped this year were somehow all excellent in their own way. Every member shines in their own unique beautiful way, and the production choices are fresh and wonderfully off-kilter. The Saturation trilogy was an amazing feat that could have gone horribly wrong, but all the members and all the fans were extremely invested in making this work, and it did. And then some. The truth of the matter is, no one made an impact this year quite like Brockhampton. 

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_ZRRlVDVa8

9. Tyler, The Creator - Flower Boy

Growing up is really a decision you make and not a fact of life. There are always gonna be man-children who never decided to do something with their life. Flower Boy is the sound of Tyler, The Creator finally deciding to grow up and give listeners something that’s been lacking in his music: sincerity. For the first time, Tyler really lets his sensitive side show, and he created a project that peels back the layers on the wild persona he’s created. Turns out he can do a lot more than just shock value rap. He actually has a great ear for melody and production, and his lyrics have become much more nuanced and emotionally resonant. It seems crazy to say this about a Tyler, The Creator album, but Flower Boy is beautiful, and hopefully Tyler will continue to follow this musical direction for future projects. There’s always more room to blossom.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxlBOBOZHqI

8. Perfume Genius - No Shape

While 2014’s Too Bright was an exploration of Mike Hadreas’ beaming confidence trying its best to balance out his crippling insecurities and fears, No Shape is pure confidence with no room for fear and all the room in the world for love. The opener “Otherside” recalls the opening tracks of his previous albums with its hushed piano balladry. but a minute goes by and suddenly there is an explosion of sparkling synths that pulls you right into the majestic world of this album and lets you know this one isn’t like the ones that came before it. From then on it’s one excellently written and immaculately produced track after another on what may be Perfume Genius’s most endearingly weird and wonderful project to date. Mike’s heart was full of love when he made this album, and you can tell. The grace and care that was put into every song is clear, and it makes for a tremendously satisfying listen.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EVhFTw4igw

7. Julien Baker - Turn Out The Lights

The most astounding part about Turn Out The Lights is that, after you hear how heartbreaking and beautiful and fearless it is, you listen a little closer and realize how damn relatable it is. Baker makes epic songs about little things that secretly hurt a lot more than we wished they did. The things we’ve all felt and thought about on lonely nights. Like all great art, it’s not just about the artist, it’s about all of us. It’s about the pain of existing and trying to be a human. Julien’s words are the words we’ve all been wanting to say but have never quite know how to put it, and every line hits like punch to the gut. But through all the turmoil, Baker maintains a sense of hope. As she herself put so gracefully, “The existence of anxiety or depression does not negate my own capacity for joy, or my intelligence; when I can embrace those things, I can have power over them.” Through her music, she gives herself power over her illness and let's us know that, even if everything feels like it's breaking, there is still hope.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xV1dMqeb4_U

6. The National - Sleep Well Beast

(Read my full review here) I think Sleep Well Beast might be my favorite National album. That’s right, even better than the near-unanimously agreed upon high mark Boxer. I came to this conclusion when I realized that for every great song Boxer has, Sleep Well Beast raises it one. Boxer’s melancholy opener “Fake Empire” is pretty, but “Nobody Else Will Be There” takes the emotion to whole new levels of devastation. You a fan of “Mistaken For Strangers”? I raise you “The System Only Dreams In Total Darkness”. Like “Brainy”? You’ll love “Day I Die”. It’s basically a better version of Boxer, but it still manages to sound entirely distinct. The main difference being that their songwriting has become more mature and subdued, which in turn made room for the emotions to really ruminate within the music. I mean, it’s been 10(!) years since Boxer hit shelves, and since then The National have really grown up. Everything has more nuance, more depth, and more maturity. Out of all their albums, it’s the one that hits the most consistently, and also hits the hardest.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O6duDDkhis

5. Father John Misty - Pure Comedy

Pure Comedy isn’t for everybody because it wasn’t made for everybody. Honestly, it wasn’t really made for anybody but Josh Tillman himself. He decided to take a step back from the personal squabbles he dealt with on the fantastic I Love You, Honeybear and takes aim at...well, everything really. No topic is safe from Tillman’s deadpan wit and hilariously cynical worldview. The music itself is merely a vessel for Tillman’s impressively coherent rants, which walk that fine line between genius and complete pretension, admittedly slipping into the latter category on some occasions. But even though it can seem like a little much, the scale and ambition of it all can not be undersold. Plus, considering the shitshow that 2017 was, I’d say it’s a perfect time for humanity to get a bit of a wake up call. We needed some crazy old man like Father John Misty to go up on rooftops and tells us that what we’re doing is fucked up. So fucked up, that it’s actually pretty hilarious when you think about it.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHpV08wI-bw

4. King Krule - The OOZ

It really does ooze. Every song, every word, every little moment seems to just pour out of you speakers like syrup. The OOZ is like a puzzle. It has so many moving parts that it takes many listens for it all to start sinking into place. The big picture it slowly reveals is pretty ugly. Krule’s worldview seems tragic, and he constantly feels alone and lost in this world. Nothing makes any sense to him, or the listener for that matter. Why is it called Biscuit Town? What’s a Dum Surfer? I still don’t have all the answers, but every time I listen I get a little closer to this album’s real main idea. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there, but the joy of listening comes from those little revelations, and from the amazement of knowing how much meaning and detail King Krule put into this wild, unflinchingly weird record. It doesn’t need to be fully understood to understand that it is absolutely brilliant.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5-f1Bnltu8

3. Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

What is a king to do now that he’s sitting comfortably on his throne? The answer: do what everyone else is trying to do to replace you, and do it way better than any of them. First, he releases  “The Heart Part IV”, a track that dares anyone to fuck with him. Then a week later, he shuts down anyone who would ever try with “Humble”, a track that sees Kendrick being anything but. After the absolute shock of “Humble”, we got DAMN, an album very different from but in many aspects just as admirable as To Pimp a Butterfly or Good Kid, M.A.A.D. City. Kendrick manages to blow every other rapper completely out of the water with his brilliance and talent while still making it look easy. He breezily flows over some of 2017’s most unique instrumentals with bar after bar about life post-TPAB. Kendrick tries not to let his fans, his haters, his family, or Fox News get in his head. He reflects on his past, looks towards the future, and secures his spot as one of the all time greatest rappers to walk the earth. Damn is right.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glaG64Ao7sM

2. Lorde - Melodrama

If there is one musical lesson I’ve learned over the past 2 years, it’s that you should never underestimate pop music. Last year, Beyonce blew me away with Lemonade, and now in 2017, Lorde is the pop star who didn’t let her one hit wonder define her and ended up with an absolute stunner of an album. When pop music is done as well as it on Melodrama, it strikes a nerve with the listener, connects with them on a deep level, and unleashes their basic instincts: to dance, to cry, to laugh, to remember, to hope. This album makes me want to do all of those things, often all at the the same time. I listen to this album and I feel a real connection with Lorde as she too tries to make heads or tails of life as an adult. Does she ever make heads or tails of it? Of course not, but she’s not here to give answers, she’s here to give you an album that will help you through it, an incredibly powerful and mature album at that, and one that perfectly captures the feeling of being on the edge of adulthood in 2017. This early adulthood college era is a messy time in our lives where we try to pretend that we’re fine and that we totally get it, but at a certain point we just can’t keep pretending. It’s all wild parties, broken hearts, lost friends, and trying to just enjoy it all while we’re still young. It’s a confusing, scary and amazing time in our lives where our only focus is getting what we want. It’s all for fun. It’s all for show. It’s all just a bunch of fucking melodrama, and Lorde captured all of it perfectly. For college kids, Melodrama is a gem. A pop album that wasn’t manufactured by a company, but created by someone who really is just like us. Someone who actually gets it. In a time where millennial bashing seems to be the cool thing to do, I am very happy that this album exists to remind me that it’s okay to be young and a little reckless. I mean, if we’re not reckless now, when the hell else can we be?

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0DjcsK_-HY

1. Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me

I really wanted to make Melodrama my number one this year. I mean, did you see what I wrote up here? That’s an album of the year write up if I’ve ever seen one. Alas, I had to give it to this album. It would be irresponsible not to. No album, hell, no piece of art that I am aware of has ever captured and expressed the experience of grief so intensely as this album. After the passing of his wife Genevieve, Phil Elvrum hid away in his home and eventually gave us this collection of 12 vignettes discussing the complete and utter emptiness he feels now that his greatest love has gone. Every single thing he does, every place he visits, every word he hears is a reminder of her death. It’s completely and utterly heartbreaking, so much so that listening to it feels almost disrespectful, like you’re eavesdropping in on someone’s very private life. Some call it exploitative, and I would be inclined to agree, yet the songs on here treat her with such deep, rich love and true respect. Even so It is a bit paradoxical. As he says in the beginning: “Death is real/someones there and then they’re not/and it’it’s not for singing about/it’s not for making into art” He dismisses the idea of turning the death of a loved one into art while doing just that. But can you really blame him? Phil just doesn’t know what to think about all this, but he knows how to make music, and that’s what he did. Was it to help with grieving? Was it for closure? Understanding? Was it to honor her memory? No one knows, and I don’t ever need to, because the fact still stands that this one of the most powerful pieces of art I have ever experienced. So yeah, it’s the best album of the year, and in fact one of the best ever made.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2R2Ck8qKWM

Well, thanks for reading everyone! Here’s to a great 2018!

Spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1241380934/playlist/03JmDr3dJSvNigvFAISnbh

[junker-town]

NFL Dad, Week 3: Protests, naps, and guacamole

One father of two young children attempts to watch the RedZone channel while parenting. Along the way: reflections on serving your country and the reliable success of guacamole.

Parents often talk about “seeing the world through a child’s eyes,” a cliché that should come with a $500 fine or a punch in the nose from someone without kids. What they mean, in plainer terms, is that they noticed something they had previously taken for granted because their dumb kids saw it for the first time.

Seasons changing is a great example of this. If you’re an adult with no kids, the shift to fall is automatic: you slide into your football-watching habits, dig your hoodies out of storage, maybe post some foliage on your Instagram. This ain’t your first rodeo.

My daughter is almost 3, and her preschool’s ENTIRE CURRICULUM is season-based: apples in the fall, snowflakes in the winter, seeds in the spring. She’s obsessed with books about autumn and Halloween. Instead of going to bed when it’s light out, her bedtime now happens at sunset; we look out the window and try to spot leaves that have started to change color. The farmer’s market we walk through on Saturdays now has pumpkins and squash, and when I take the kids to Trader Joe’s on Sunday morning, 70 percent of the items are pumpkin-flavored. I swear to God there’s pumpkin-flavored almond milk and a sign that says “All pumpkin everything!” It is 87 degrees outside.

But the equinox doesn’t lie: it’s officially fall. At least there’s football.

EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF

— The dominant story line before the games, and even throughout them, is how players and teams react to President Trump excoriating the “sons of bitches” who kneel during the national anthem, tough words indeed from a patriot who loves America so much he wouldn’t leave her soil during the Vietnam war.

Maybe you voted for Donald Trump, and maybe you didn’t, but there’s no way around those five draft deferments. And, speaking as someone who’s actually been to war, avoiding war is genuinely a very good idea! It’s just a shame that the president abandoned that stance when it wasn’t his jiggling ass on the line.

Anyway, I wrestled with most of this a year ago when Colin Kaepernick first started his protest, and the video I made then still captures my feelings now:

Long story short: My father went to the Air Force Academy and served 22 years as a pilot. I served as a Marine tank commander in Iraq. Because of my time in the Corps, I have some friends who still wear the uniform, some who now work as FBI agents, and some who are underground, God rest their souls. The flag means a LOT to me. I love the anthem. But that doesn’t mean the anthem protests are ABOUT me, or what I feel.

A protest during the national anthem may be offensive to you. Your feelings are valid. But placing them ahead racial injustice in this country — or even a person’s peaceful execution of his First Amendment rights — demonstrates a woeful lack of empathy, or at least a willful ignorance of racism in America. If this isn’t self-evident already, I’ll just point out that the president responded to a white supremacist march that killed a woman by saying that SOME WHITE SUPREMACISTS ARE VERY FINE PEOPLE. I’m so tired of being gaslit about this shit. It’s exhausting.

— I don’t see most of the anthem stuff because I’m putting son down for a nap. When I come back, Rob Gronkowski scores a touchdown on third-and-goal. Save me, Gronk. Save me from the stupidity. Whisk me away to an island of frosty light beers and laughing at “69” jokes. I yearn for the intellectual upgrade.

— The Saints sack Cam Newton on third-and-three inside the 10. A goal-line stand? From the Saints? Something is amiss.

— Weird NFL continues: after the Steelers muff a punt, the Bears go up 7-0 with a Jordan Howard TD. Not long after, Ben Roethlisberger gets sacked and fumbles, with the Bears recovering. I took the Steelers -7 today, and I’m already sick with regret.

— AHAHAHAHAHA, I just saw Joe Flacco’s numbers against Jacksonville on the ticker: 8-18 for 28 yards with 2 interceptions. Holy shit, 1.6 yards per attempt! I hope they quarantined the stadium before Flacco could spread the plague any further. London suffered enough in the 17th century.

— At 1:34 p.m., everyone but me is napping: my daughter in her bedroom, my son in ours (the kids sleep in the same room at night but nap separately), and my wife on the couch as I watch RedZone. The shades are drawn and the TV is muted. Could I nap? Nothing about this column prevents me from napping. The Eagles convert a fourth-and-inches near midfield. The Jets punt.

— On third-and-goal in Indy, Jacoby Brissett fakes a pass and takes it on a designed keeper. Nice play design. Am I tired enough to nap? I had a cold brew a little before the games began; I don’t want to miss out on football for a failed nap.

— DeShaun Watson hits Bruce Ellington with a beautiful throw over the middle for a score, and the Texans have a surprising 10-7 lead over the Pats. I managed to get a nap in yesterday afternoon. After my son’s swim lesson, my wife took the kids so I could stay at the pool and swim laps. I came home with that all-over muscle fatigue you only get from swimming, made a grilled ham and cheese sandwich for lunch, and crashed on the couch while the kids slept.

— Duke Johnson leaps into the end zone for a 19-yard touchdown to tie the game at 7.

CBS broadcast

See, this is why I’m hesitant to nap. Because even though the Browns-Colts game is the LAST game I’d want to watch this week, it has already produced two touchdowns I thought merited inclusion in this collection of notable plays.

— So much for the Texans’ lead: after a Watson INT sets the Pats up in the red zone, Tom Brady finds Chris Hogan wide open in the end zone for a TD. In Indy, Jacoby Brissett scores another TD on the ground, while the Saints and Falcons -- both on the road — build commanding early leads. If I napped now, I’d probably be awake by the third quarter of the early games. I’d miss nothing of note. I should just do it.

— On second-and-goal, Ben Roethlisberger goes to Antonio Brown 1-on-1 on a quick screen, and that’s a TD every time. It ties the game at 7-7, and while rooting for the Steelers feels gross, I have gambling interests to protect. Or maybe I’m just too tired to think straight? I should nap.

— It is 2:05, 31 minutes after I first started contemplating a nap. My heart is beating a little fast from the cold brew, but the exhaustion of parenting is resolute. I lie down next to my wife and throw my arm over my eyes to shade them from the flicker of the television.

EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF

— At 2:38, I open my eyes, and Drew Brees is hitting Tedd Ginn over the top for a 40-yard touchdown. The safety help arrived too late.

— I scroll back through Twitter just a few minutes to see if I’ve missed anything big, and BOY HOWDY are people tweeting about the Bears.

Wow. #PITvsCHI http://pic.twitter.com/gG6Ry6Uylr

— NFL (@NFL) September 24, 2017

In the Twitter era, this is the perfect thing to experience AFTER it’s happened. I don’t have to wade through dumb exclamations or the confusion of the moment, and I don’t have to wait for the Bears’ false start on their untimed play. I just wake up to a brief, handy explainer. Naps are the best. Always nap.

— Stefon Diggs is going OFF. A long touchdown, his second for the game, makes it 28-3 in favor of the Vikings early in 3rd quarter. I picked the Bucs to win because Case Keenum is sun-bleached highway trash, but apparently Diggs, the Vikings’ defense, and home turf are more than enough to handle Tampa Bay.

— A flurry of touchdowns as my wife makes chorizo bean dip: Tom Brady to Brandin Cooks on a deep crossing route puts the Pats up 28-20; Golden Tate’s first TD of the season cuts the Falcons’ lead to 23-20; and Zach Ertz scores on a short pass for the Eagles. The Giants now trail by five* scores, 14-0 (*adjusted for Giants’ offense).

— My daughter is awake, but we’re not getting her out of bed yet. My wife is putting the finishing touches on the chorizo dip, and I’m making guacamole.

This is all I'm eating the rest of the day (thank u @celebrityhottub for the chorizo dip recipe)

A post shared by Matt Ufford (@mattufford) on Sep 24, 2017 at 1:06pm PDT

Guacamole take: guacamole has a huge range of success. My ideal guac has salt, lime, garlic, cilantro, red onion, and tomato, but I still enjoy it with fewer or more ingredients. Whatever you like is fine.

— Down two touchdowns, the Giants fail on fourth down in red zone, but the resulting Manningface minimized by RedZone’s double-box. I NEED FULLSCREEN ANGUISH, YOU HEATHENS. I realize only now that I’ve seen both of Manning’s interceptions today, but none of his reactions to them.

— DeShaun Watson still makes rookie mistakes, but his ceiling looks an awful lot like Russell Wilson at his best:

DeShaun Watson out here stealing Patrick Mahomes plays. http://pic.twitter.com/0e2VXqNOKS

— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) September 24, 2017

Watson caps that drive with a TD to his tight end, cutting the Texans’s deficit to 28-27. A few minutes later, they’ll kick a field goal to go up 30-27.

— Jameis Winston hits DeSean Jackson down the sideline for a TD as the third quarter ends; the Bucs now trail 31-17. Can Dirk Koetter wear his glasses any further down his nose? He’s like a disapproving librarian in a children’s movie.

— The Dolphins are losing to Jets 20-0. Living in the New York broadcast area guarantees me the Jets and Giants every damn week, but a small part of me wishes I were watching this game on local TV so I could see Cutler’s face.

— In a shocking turn of events, the Giants score an offensive touchdown! Less shocking, it’s Odell Beckham who scores it. For his celebration, he crawls on all fours and lifts his leg like a dog pissing, earning a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct.

And whatever, that’s part of the cost of doing business with a physical genius, but when Beckham scores again a few minutes later on an incredible one-handed catch, he raises a solitary fist in protest. And y’all, I don’t want to be Grumpy Old Columnist, but Beckham’s messaging priority is perhaps less than ideal here. “Okay, pretend to be a dog taking a piss — check. Up next: racial equality!”

The only explanation that makes any sense is that the first celebration was a reference to Trump’s “son of a bitch” comment. Regardless, the world was so much better when he was making out with a kicking net.

— Deshaun Watson does it again:

Deshaun Watson is just insane, man. @battleredblog http://pic.twitter.com/Po9IPRdBgf

— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) September 24, 2017

The Texans are running the ball with the lead in Pats territory with only 2:30 remaining in the game. Could the Pats lose this? The telecast cuts to Bob Kraft up in his suite, his mouth agape and forehead scrunched, like a billionaire trying to understand what starving people could be mad about.

But no, the Texans are stoned on third-and-one, and kick a field to go up 33-28. They are 100 percent about to lose this game.

— With 55 seconds remaining, the Bears punt on fourth-and-two just short of midfield with the score tied at 17. On the one hand, I respect the decision to remove the responsibility for victory from Mike Glennon’s hands. On the other: COWARDS.

A WILD FLURRY TO END THE GAMES

— The Patriots get the ball back with about 2:30 to play. Tom Brady converts the following into first downs: second-and-20, third-and-12, third-and-18. On the next play after the third-and-18 conversion, Brady finds Brandin Cooks for a toe-tap touchdown with 23 seconds remaining.

— Trailing by four, the Lions have entered the red zone, then exited it on penalties. Matt Stafford is incomplete on 1st and 30, but defensive holding on second-and-30 gives the Lions a first down and new life. Pass interference a few plays later gives them first-and-goal on the 1. Golden Tate scores a touchdown with 8 seconds left! The Lions are gonna win!

— In overtime, Tarik Cohen scores on a long run to seal the game for the Bears. Both my kids are up now, and my daughter is going around the apartment yelling, “DING-DONG! TRICK OR TREAT!” A few minutes later, Jordan Howard scores from 19 yards out to re-seal the game for the Bears, and whatever context there was for Cohen NOT scoring a touchdown is lost. Could I look up the box score to see what happened? Sure, but it’s more fun to have it LOST TO HISTORY.

— The Texans’ final prayer goes unanswered, as Watson’s Hail Mary is intercepted in the end zone.

— Wait, what?!? The Lions LOST? Tate’s TD is overturned, and the game is over. Just a BRUTAL blow for my fantasy team, and also the Lions.

Kevin Seifert of ESPN explained why it was the right call, but to me it doesn’t look like there was enough evidence to overturn the call. As swings of luck go, this should even things out for Tate, who caught the Fail Mary for the Seahawks ... wait a second ... FIVE YEARS AGO TO THE DAY. SpoOOOoOoOooOOookyyyyyy!

Sorry, I’ve been reading lots of Halloween books to my daughter.

— Eagles attempt a 61-yarder in a vain attempt to avoid overtime. Odell Beckham is back to catch a potential miss and … IT’S GOOD! HOLY MAMULA! MANNINGFACE FOR EVERYONE.

LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF

— After the hypodermic of adrenaline that ended the early games, the late slate has a whopping three contests: Chiefs-Chargers, Seahawks-Titans, and Bengals-Packers. If the NFL can push Seahawks-Titans to a late start, why not do it with two other games that start in the Central Time Zone? Push Bucs-Vikings and Browns-Colts to the second slate of games, and they won’t get lost in the early shuffle. “America’s Game of the Week” notwithstanding, I will never understand why the NFL doesn’t try to balance this more. It’s bad and I hate it.

— Kids change SO FAST when they’re young. Physical and linguistic milestones whiz past seemingly every week; go a month without seeing someone’s toddler, and you’re bound to meet an entirely new kid.

That said, this was my son’s favorite game in June, when he was just over a year old:

Fatherhood: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A post shared by Matt Ufford (@mattufford) on Jun 18, 2017 at 5:38pm PDT

It is more than three months later, and he’s STILL doing this. Just smashing his face into the couch or any soft chair like it’s the best thing in the world. (*slowly crosses off “engineer” on list titled FUTURE CAREERS*)

— Tyreke Hill has already scored a TD, on a great pass by Alex Smith. It’s still super-weird to see Smith throw deep with confidence, or at all.

— Davante Adams fumbles just short of the end zone, and Aaron Rodgers does a nice job of preventing a Bengals touchdown on the return. After review, though, Adams is ruled down and the Packers have first-and-goal inside the 1. Lance Kendricks gets wide open on play-action and catches the touchdown, tying the game at 7 in Green Bay.

— Our neighbors have come over because we made too much dip and guacamole, and there are now four kids under three years old in my two-bedroom apartment. The math sounds bad, but it’s not: their kids are younger than ours — a 2-year-old daughter and a newborn — and anyway, they’re a delight. In 13 years of living in New York City (in six different apartments), I’ve never had good neighbors before. When we eventually move, I’m bringing them with us.

— On a Titans third-and-10, Marcus Mariota sails a pass that gets picked off by Kam Chancellor. Richard Sherman, though, gets flagged for pass interference (ticky-tack in my opinion, but I’m not an objective viewer). He also gets flagged for holding on the return (also ticky-tack), then tears off his helmet to argue with the refs, earning a misconduct foul (definitely warranted). The penalties cost the Seahawks possession and 30-40 yards of field position. After several more penalties, Tennessee kicks a field goal to go up 3-0.

This is fine. Everything’s fine. This column will not be me yelling about the Seahawks every week. (*jaws clench so hard my head vibrates*)

— Y’all, we need to talk about the most nonchalant human being on the planet:

To make matters worse for the #lions. The food is on fire at Ford Field by the locker room. http://pic.twitter.com/aLFNDj4kc3

— Evan Jankens (@KINGoftheKC) September 24, 2017

That lady has straight-up ICE WATER in her veins. “Oh, a fire as tall as I am? (yawn) Not really much I can do here. Let’s just close the— yep, open this other door to get that closed. Anyway, let me know if it’s still there after my break.” She’s the Daenerys Targaryen of concession workers.

— Philip Rivers has thrown his THIRD interception, and it’s barely the second quarter. Every time I look at him, I just think, “Eight kids, man. EIGHT. KIDS.” That HAS to define his entire life. Like, when was the last time he took his family to a restaurant? Never, right? I have two kids that are relatively well-behaved; my wife and I have taken them to restaurants three times this year: brunch twice (one disaster, one white-knuckle balancing act), and dinner once (only a success because the pizza place had just opened and there was no one else there). We have no desire to take them out again. Maybe in another year or so.

I guarantee you the youngest Rivers children are being raised by their siblings. Nobody parents that well past three kids.

— The Bengals have dominated offensively so far. They’re up 14-7 on Gio Bernard’s short catch for a TD ... No, make that 21-7. Rodgers throws a pick-six — only the second of his career — to William Jackson.

That’s mind-blowing. This is Rodgers’ TENTH season as a starter, and that’s only his second career pick-six? Matt Schaub once doubled that in a month.

— Richard Sherman, who has apparently lost his damn mind, earns a flag for a late-ish hit on Mariota.

FWIW here is when Sherman hit Mariota http://pic.twitter.com/WTeBy9IrHC

— Ben Baldwin (@guga31bb) September 24, 2017

Taylor Lewan immediately gets up in Sherman’s face, and I think he gets flagged too, but my daughter has come up to me saying, “I want to be an animal. I want to see a jellyfish.” Is Richard Sherman ejected? What’s happening? “I want to see a jellyfish.”

Goddammit. Okay, sweetie. Let’s watch some f**king jellyfish.

“What’s that?” she says, pointing at my laptop screen.

“It’s a jellyfish, sweetie. These are all jellyfish.” Richard Sherman is still in the game. The Titans kick a field goal, 6-0.

— My son’s other obsession tonight — besides smashing his face into the couch — is the hokey-pokey. He’s no good at putting his hand in and shaking it all about, but he DOMINATES at turning around. He spins around in circles until he careens left and crashes into the credenza. He thinks it’s hilarious. He is correct.

— Stop me if you’ve heard this one: the Seahawks have a third-and-long, leading to a Russell Wilson sack. With the Seahawks missing their top two special teamers, Adoree’ Jackson takes the ensuing punt back for a score ... but it gets called back on a block in the back, yet another ticky-tack call. LET ‘EM PLAY, REFS.

After doing little on offense for 28 minutes, the Seahawks and Titans come alive inside the two-minute drill, with the Seahawks engineering a quick touchdown drive before the Titans kick another field goal to go into the locker room up 9-7.

— Rodgers is sacked again near the end of the half, and the Bengals call timeout to force the Packers to punt ... but the punt is muffed! The Packers recover, but the clock runs out during the scramble for the ball. Y’know, looking back on this play, I probably didn’t need to write this paragraph.

LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF

— On Sundays, the kids are supposed to take a bath together, but they’ve got their own ideas about that; my son refuses to sit down, and my daughter screams “I’m not ready yet!” any time we pick her up. So, separate baths.

At one point, as both kids cry, I see the referees signal TDs for Seahawks and Packers, but not the touchdowns themselves.

— The Seahawks defense looks tired. The tackling on Rishard Matthews’ 55-yard TD is pitiful (and, ahem, aided by the tight end tackling Kam Chancellor from behind, I REGRET ASKING FOR LESS OFFICIATING), and they’re similarly flat-footed on Jonnu Smith’s 24-yard score that puts the Titans up 23-14.

— Following a sack on third-and-seven, the Bengals miss a field goal. They still lead 21-14, but now it looks tenuous.

— The Seahawks never look close to completing a third-and-11; they are now 2/10 on third downs. Before they punt, RedZone clicks back to Bengals-Packers.

I see it on Twitter first: DeMarco Murray has scored on a 75-yard run. It’s a little after 6:30; my kids will be going to bed in the next half-hour. I pause the TV. “Actually,” I say to my wife, then turn the TV and cable box off completely as a way of finishing the sentence. “But can you still pick up where you paused?” my wife asks. “Nope,” I say, and that’s the point, because I’m a dumb baby who hates watching his stupid football team.

— My daughter, who refused to eat dinner at the prescribed hour, is finally eating her spaghetti as long as I’m reading the same four godforsaken Halloween books I’ve been reading to her for the last two days. My wife got those books out of the closet when she was in there to get something else and she “just happened to see them.” There are five weeks until Halloween. In a month, this column might be about divorce.

— I put the kids to bed at 7:00, and turn the TV back on. The Seahawks have the ball and trail 33-20 with about 8:30 left, which means this will be just stupid enough to keep me watching as the Seahawks lose by one score. Almost immediately, Seattle’s dangerous-looking drive gets blown up by intentional grounding, setting up third-and-29, then fourth-and-22.

They go for it. It’s a ... Hail Mary into the end zone?

Seahawks just whiffed on a three-man rush on 4th and 22. Wilson had about .7 seconds to throw. Embarrassing.

— Robert Klemko (@RobertKlemko) September 24, 2017

The half-moon of regret that is the Seahawks offensive line. Couldn't protect for four seconds against a three-man rush on fourth-and-22. http://pic.twitter.com/kSVeZGLUjh

— Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) September 24, 2017

That Barnwell tweet is all I need this season. Finally, a nickname for an utterly unworthy unit. The Half-Moon of Regret. Might not be as catchy as Legion of Boom, but I’m determined to make it stick.

— TV back on, Seahawks have the ball and trail 33-20 with 8:30 left. With just under 8:00 remaining, RW intentional grounding, 3rd and 29.

— KC still up 17-10. What the shit? Have they just been playing backgammon for the second half?

— Some good endings brewing: the Packers are in the two-minute drill down seven; Chargers down seven with the ball and four minutes remaining. The Seahawks have just scored to cut the lead to six, but need an onside kick for any realistic hope.

— Rivers sacked on third-and-10 by Justin Houston, and Kansas City easily recovers the onside kick. But hey! We still have excitement in Green Bay: first-and-goal for the Packers with 30 seconds.

— Jordy Nelson scores his second touchdown of the game. Big ups to Jordy for being questionable all week after last week’s zero-catch scratch. That way he could produce zero points for my fantasy team last week and make me gun-shy enough to bench him this week. THANKS FOR TWO KINDS OF NOTHING.

Green Bay kicks the PAT to go to overtime, even though Mike McCarthy ALWAYS loses the toss, then watches as the game ends without Aaron Rodgers ever touching the ball in OT. It’s so good to see a coach refuse to adapt or take chances or learn from his mistakes in any way. I think it’s great that he’s singe-handedly prevented the best quarterback of all time from winning more than one championship. Give him a lifetime contract, I say, so he can be mediocre forever.

Whatever, I’m all for Cincinnati-Green Bay going to overtime, because I always want more of any game called by Tony Romo. No one this new to a job should be THIS good at it.

Tony Romo is so good, I'm glad CBS finally gave Jim Nantz a broadcast partner who wasn't a talking block of marzipan

— BUM CHILLIPS (@edsbs) September 24, 2017

— The Packers, after losing the coin toss (of course) miraculously force the Bengals to punt. Facing third-and-10 from his own 22, Rodgers hits Geronimo Allison deep on a free play, because that’s what Aaron Rodgers does: murder you on free plays. Allison winds his way inside the Bengals 10-yard-line, and this one’s over.