#i really am not on 5sos twitter anymore like

[daydadahlias]

i hate how mean everyone’s being to ashton on twitter. i might have to delete it or at least block his name for a bit, it’s making me sad

dw pookie, as ur superior, i give u full permission to delete twitter <3

[taleofharrison]

Why | Michael Clifford

Summary: You and Michael are on a relationship but he's forced to be in a PR for the album.

Warnings: language maybe??? kinda inspired in why by shawn mendes and secret love song by little mix ittalics mean twitter post and headlines on the tabloids.

Requested: Yes by an anon

Word Count: 1134

A/N: i know i haven’t written anything in a while but I was procrastinating both school work and writing and nothing got done and then The Irregulars came out and became my new obsession but if you are not going to spam your followers with your latest obsession then why do you a blog here? anyways enjoy.

MASTERLIST HERE

“Now with us in the studio 5 Seconds of Summer!” Jimmy announced and the guys appeared and sat next to him.

The guys had just released a new song, and this would be the first they were performing it live and talking about it.

“First off I want to start this by saying that this song is amazing, and I have had it on repat since it came out” Jimmy told them “now what was the inspiration for the song?”

“We kinda wanted to go old school on this one” Ashton began explaining “going back to some classic rock ballads. I think our main influence were bands like Journey and of course our experiences being in love.”

“Speaking of being in love Michael” Jimmy continued “you just recently were seen with Chloe Graham, the newest sensation on the modeling industry.”

“Yeah, we been dating for a couple of months now and it’s been great I’m really happy.”

After a couple of questions and some fun games Jimmy had prepared the guys finally performed the song, you were watching the whole thing on TV since Michael and you had agreed to keep the relationship on the down low. You felt beyond proud and happy to listen to the song that was written about you. Even though the world didn’t know it was about you.

“I love the song, but I smell bullshit. Chloe and Michael are clearly a stunt they became a public couple after the song was released??? a love song??? I mean come on.”

“No hate to Chloe but I believe the song is bout Y/N look at how they look at each other.”

“Can we stop talking about Chloe and just talk about the beautiful performance the guys gave us??”

You had been scrolling through comments like that from fans on twitter though you sometimes found weird how they found something to read between the lines all the time it was nice to know that if you came out with Michael as public after all this song release and all you’d have the support of the fans.

“Do you want to come with me to the pet store?” you asked Michael over breakfast putting your phone down “I thought we could choose some toys for Moose. Have some lunch.”

“I don’t know Y/N.”

“Come on! We haven’t had a hang out outside the house in ages.”

“I don’t think being seen just the two of us would be a good thing” he shrugged “I mean the fans already know something’s up.”

“But your fans think we’re friends and they know we’re roommates” you said slightly hurt “friends hang out together. Our relationship won’t be leaving these four walls.”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Fine” you huffed “I’ll just ask Luke I don’t feel like going by myself.”

“I’m sorry” he said “you know it’s the…”

“Label” you finished “it always is.”

“Michael Clifford seen at a jewelry store. Is he ready to tie knot?”

“Are Chloe and Michael getting engaged soon? 5SOS guitarist seen buying jewelry.”

“This isn’t going to stop, is it?” you said as you read the headlines on your phone as Luke sat down with your coffee order “the pr stunt.”

“It has to end Y/N” Luke assured you “we never thought our management would put us in something like this but here we are.”

You sighed. “We tried to talk Michael against it, but you know how companies work.”

Luke was trying what he could to cheer you up the guys knew how upsetting this was for you. You didn’t really have a problem with that because as long as you and Michael were real who cared about the world? But the last weeks and headlines had taken a toll on you.

“Hey! it’s just for the lead single” Luke tried to cheer you up “then everything will go back to the way it was.”

How you wished Luke were right. What was just for a song became a promo stunt for the whole album you didn’t know how it happened between Instagram that seemed to be written by someone else and not Michael and strategic public appearances to get paparazzi photos you were not only were you losing your boyfriend to the media you were also losing your best friend.

“Don’t you guys think is suspicious that all the content from Michael and Chloe comes from paparazzi?”

“I don’t like talking about the guys’ private life but there’s something about C & M that I don’t like.”

You sighed closing twitter again and putting your phone back in your pocket. It was your birthday and it felt like shit. Not the feeling you wanted that day.

“Happy birthday babe!” Michael exclaimed “I think you saw on your phone about the jewelry store, but I still hope this can surprise you.”

“Thank you, Mike” you smiled opening the box with a beautiful necklace “I love it.”

“Later I’m going to show you the song I’ve been writing” he said, “it’s about you but first what do you want to do?”

“I don’t feel like doing anything to be honest.”

“Come on! It’s your birthday” he pushed “I know I haven’t been there for you completely and today I’m all yours.”

“Wow” you dried laugh “I have my boyfriend all to myself for one day what a gift.”

“You know this will be over soon.”

“Soon when?” you snapped “soon when you have to go on tour? Soon when the album earns a billion streams?”

“It’s just promo nothing is real.”

“I’m tired of the promo” you told him “You told it was just for the lead single and I was okay with that now the album is out, and you still are in a pr stunt and not with me.”

“You know this is out of my control!”

“It is under your control. You are selling a lie” you cried “you know I think the song would’ve done great in the charts without this you have passionate fans they would do anything for you. For the band, yet you had to go there and build an act. I don’t know if you mean anything anymore.”

“Don’t be so harsh with me Y/N” Michael begged “You know every song I write is about you. You are my muse.”

“Am I? Then why don’t you put an end to this hell? Why do you keep hurting me?” you asked, “why do we still have hide?”

“I don’t- I don’t know.”

“I do know” you said “you and I both lost and forgot what was real. I think it’d be better if we take time to ourselves you figure the things with the label out and I’ll just try to fix my broken heart.

You kissed him on the cheek. “Bye Michael.”

[mikeysunshinee]

TW: Mentions of SA

It's always drama in this fandom, especially on Twitter. I know how frustrating it is to see someone you like enable someone's negative/abusive behavior but I feel like some fans don't give anything time. I know people in ATL and LTB both have allegations against them but if they're already supposedly not touring w/ them what exactly is the issue? I mean I understand that they shouldn't associate w/ people like that at all so it's bad that they were even considered but if they didn't know ahead of time and now they know and they're not touring with them anyway where is the problem exactly? Famous people friends and actual friends are two different things. 5SOS would probably never invite any of these guys into their homes so can they really be considered their friends?? Also if you're upset about them be associated with r&pists/abusers you should also be upset that they're literally enaged/in relationships with problematic women. From the racism to the not taking mental illness seriously to lesphobia. If you wanna be mad be mad about it ALL.

I am mad about it but there's nothing I can do which is why I've taken steps back. I don't have an ig dedicated to them anymore, I'm not actively writing or reading any fanfics, I'm barely active on stan Twitter, I'm barely active here. I still follow them on Twitter and IG but I'm usually late to things. I hate that they're caught up in so much bad stuff which they can avoid and I wish they'd listen to their fans it's affecting.

[kindahoping4forever]

I’m really find it hard to enjoy what the guys are doing right now and it hurts because they were always my comfort people. But with the allegations yesterday, the damage control thing that ended up with a dumb joke that later got deleted… I know we can’t have a say with the people they choose to relate with but as a SA victim that was forced to stay quiet it just hurts to see them or to be excited about anything when ignoring the problem.

And I know it’s not with them and they have nothing to do with it. But they could’ve handle it better, they could just say that they don’t have an opening. It’s just every time I look at them now I don’t feel safe anymore and I just wish they could fix it and make it at least just a bit better, let me know that they’re not as bad as the people they hang out with and not making me feel guilty for being in the fandom

I'm so sorry you're hurting, my friend. This band is my safe space as well and I know there's really no way to describe the distress that comes from that feeling of comfort being compromised. Please make sure you're taking care of yourself - if you need to limit your exposure to fandom socials for the time being, if you need to step away from the internet entirely, that's ok! Doing what's needful for you and your health is absolutely the top priority, so I implore you to be gentle with yourself as far as what you take in online but also in doing whatever you need to do to comfort yourself. 🥺

I don't know if it'll be of any comfort to you (I hope so?) but I still strongly believe that their activity yesterday was a simple circumstance of unfortunate timing and not a form of damage control as parts of the fandom are choosing to believe. Going off of social posts from members of their crew, they appeared to be working in their rehearsal space all afternoon and seeing as the majority of what went down yesterday was relegated to Twitter (I am not a Twitter user myself so I legit did not know about ATL's statement until the Q&A when people got upset), it's entirely plausible that they were unaware of the minefield they were walking into when they logged on to Instagram. And I actually think that the fact that they did answer that question about tour and that they did delete it after is actually a good indicator of their unawareness. If this was meant to be a coverup, why would they even raise the subject in the first place? The question was framed entirely devoid of context and is a logical question even outside of yesterday's events (since each time they've postponed, no update has been given on the topic of openers) and so they treated it as a regular question, with the same silly air that the other questions were treated. Since the Q&A stopped shortly after that answer, I imagine the responses they received afterwards more than informed them of what was amiss and the story was deleted because in this new light, it's easy to see how it could've been seen as flippant.

I agree with you that it would be ideal (and in everyone's best interest) if they were to at the very least make clear that their fans' concerns are being heard but it's hard to say what the expectation of that should be given that there's not really a way to comment on the matter without also implicating other artists, who could pursue legal action. It's a messy and unfortunate situation with no clear cut answers on what the best recourse is. Our connection with the band is so personal I know it's hard not to take it personally, especially when it involves a topic that affects you on such a deep and personal level, but it's important to remember that 5SOS is not just the 4 of them, there's dozens of people who have a say in something like this. I know the previous "we're going against the advice of our team" statement last year set a precedent but like I said, this case has many more layers to it and so it's tough to know what to expect here.

I truly wish I had better answers for you, my friend. And I sincerely hope that you're able to find peace in this situation. 💙

Usually I'd leave this part to tags but I want to make sure everyone sees it: as I said yesterday, I genuinely do not think I'll be able to answer asks on this topic as I find it personally triggering for a myriad of reasons so please be mindful of that coming into my inbox. (Also I'm about to be offline for most of the day today as I'm about to be on my way to physical therapy so just a heads up for that as well) 💙

[backwardscapsmh]

because i decided to become obsessed with a boy band that doesn’t exist anymore over quarantine...here is smh and their one direction opinions!

again based on vibes and vibes alone! (with only the occasional reason)

jack: confirmed by ngozi that he doesn’t know who they are so jack is excluded (loser)

bitty: loves his girl pop so he prefers little mix but he’ll listen to what makes you beautiful or one thing

favorite: harry

shitty: casually enjoys their later music (four and made in the am) and will talk about the inherent misogyny that comes along with their popularity and marketing (don’t get him talking about simon cowell)

favorite: doesn’t pick one on principle (it’s niall)

lardo: i firmly believe that she had a one direction phase and ran a stan account for a while (no one will find it) i feel like her favorite song is home but i may be projecting

favorite: louis

adam: get’s hyped to drag me down on a daily basis

favorite: liam

ransom: a lot of their upbeat bangers on the kegster playlists but he doesn’t really listen to them regularly. he likes midnight memories tho!

favorite: zayn

nursey: doesn’t have strong opinions but he thinks zayn is hot (he will watch the story of my life music video for the zayn clips)

favorite: zayn but harry is a close second

dex: he has little sisters so he knows all about them. he doesn’t like to admit it but he loves the song 18 (all of four really). he’ll sometimes off handedly mention something very specific about them that he learned from his sisters and shocks everyone.

“yeah shitty’s hair is kind of like 2014-2015 harry styles length”

*confused silence from everyone else*

favorite: louis

chowder: dude lived in cali, of course he knows about 1d. he’s more of a 5sos guy tbh (a calum stan)

favorite: niall

tango: a balance between stan and casual listener. he knows a lot of their less popular stuff but definitely doesn’t know what ziam is

favorite: can’t pick one because he’s tango

whiskey: reluctantly heard tango listening to them and he liked the song so now he has a bunch of their songs on his playlist (a lot of made in the am)

favorite: zayn

ford: similar to tango but leans a little closer to the stan side of things. she lurks on stan twitter occasionally but doesn’t engage. she prefers their newer stuff but will listen to their older albums occasionally.

favorite: she’s a lesbian so louis

(y’all are welcome to add if u want!)

[fu-yao]

tagged by @leonzhng​ thanks for making me dig through my most embarrassing crushes 😭✋

i’ll tag @highwarlockkareena​ @yibobibo​ @lan-xichens​ @purplexedhuman​ @aheartfullofjolllly​ @lanzhansmiles​ @nyx4​ i feel like i tag you guys in everything i am so sorry please ignore this if u don’t wanna do it !!

putting this under a read more for reasons

MEN 2010 – 2016

literally nothing more embarrassing than falling on the same type of white man over and over again (with the exception of minho from shinee bless his heart)

tommy joe ratliff → he was the bass player for adam lambert during his glamnation era (think of songs like for your entertainment and if i had you) idk why exactly i liked him so much but i just did.... however i searched him up again quite recently and found out he’s one of those republicans that says the dumbest shit on twitter so Big Yikes

harry styles → “baby you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, and when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell...” and BOOM 13-year-old me was sold for well over two years

louis tomlinson → basically i liked harry most until around 2013 when for some reason i started to like him a little less, and i got more focused on louis tomlinson, and although i didn’t like one direction anymore louis tomlinson always had a special place in my heart

ashton irwin → so ashton is 5sos’ drummer, i discovered 5sos through one direction & i stanned them until late 2014

harries twins → the harries twins (jack & finn) are basically the reason i started spending a lot of time on youtube, they were funny and pretty and they just had good videos in general, so for almost two years i’d watch their content regularly

choi minho → my first steps into kpop happened bc i was watching videos on youtube (most probably the harries twins) and suddenly i saw the sherlock mv in my recommended videos so i clicked on it and then 14-year-old me proceeded to fall for minho like an idiot

brooks twins → still youtubers, the brooks twins were 3/5 of the janoskians (jai & luke brooks, beau brooks, daniel sahyounie, & james yammouni), an australian youtube comedy group that was active from 2011-2018 though i was only around from 2012-2014 (when jai brooks was dating ariana grande)

jc caylen → surprise! another youtuber! jc caylen was part of o2l (our2ndlife) a youtube collaboration channel on which each of the 6 members posted videos on a certain day in the week (mondays with connor, tuesdays with ricky, wednesdays with sam, thursdays with jc, fridays with trevi (my 2nd favorite member bc she participated on the x factor), saturdays with ricardo, and then they had surprise sundays every week) and i remember how much joy jc & the others always brought me with their silly videos

misha collins → up next, you might know him as the gay angel that was sent to superhell after confessing his love to the homophobic hunter on supernatural, it’s misha collins! basically misha was a huge source of comfort for me, and i even went around calling myself emmisha for almost two full years (cringe)

henrik holm → he played even bech naesheim in skam and my crush on him reached that level of ridiculousness where i actually tried my hand at learning norwegian (i can only remember how to introduce myself and some curse words i would make a great first impression on him)

MEN 2016 – 2021

min yoongi → okay so my baby steps into kpop happened through shinee’s sherlock, but i only got really invested when yoongi dropped agust d 1 because Holy Fuck y’know??

kim namjoon → oh man i remember thinking namjoon was cute and a very good leader and then BAM he dressed like THAT at the 2016 mma’s and i fell in love. hard

park seojoon → i started liking park seojoon whilst i was watching hwarang (you guessed it, i watched it bc of taehyung), although he wasn’t my favorite character by far, but he was very silly off camera & i liked that (i’m not that into him anymore tho </3)

kim seokjin → OH BOY LET ME TELL U i liked seokjin from the very beginning (i got to know bts in late 2014) and i always liked seeing him perform and be himself and god once i realized i had a crush on him it just hit me like a mf truck, and he’s still one of my favorite people to this day

jung hoseok → god fake love era hoseok really hits different.... also yes i know i have all of bts’ hyung line on my list BUT bts was a really big part of my life for almost 6 years soooo honestly they deserve it i still think they’re great guys

choi san → when ateez made their debut in 2018 i immediately fell in love with san, he was such an amazing dancer and he captivated me right from the very beginning, to this day he’s still my bias in ateez uwu

xiao zhan → AND THEN, OCTOBER OF 2019 HAPPENS AND I WATCH CQL AND... i fall in love with xiao zhan, something i’d never expected would happen bc when i watched cql for the first time i wasn’t as invested in the story, but i really really really liked xiao zhan and one thing led to another and now here i am as a xfx

wang yibo → the thing is, i’ve known yibo since eoeo except i didn’t know cql yibo was uniq yibo (bc i’d forgotten his name) and when i looked it up i can tell you my jaw dropped to the floor bc holy shit????? also he is very silly and i love him loads ok

lee minho → ah, the man who has been my skz bias since 2018, not only is minho my bias i also kin him (there’s a lot of aspects of myself that i see in minho and vice versa) and he’s very comforting to me

bang chan → honestly, it was only a matter of time before i’d fall for bang chan, i knew the moment i got into skz again that i’d start biasing him and, well, here i am, double biasing chan & minho

WOMEN

this list is shorter bc i’ve in general always had less crushes on women than on men??? blame society forcing me into thinking i was straight for a LONG time

ariana grande → remember the 2011 layout of twitter?? where u could not only have an icon and a header, but also a background and ur twitter page was smack in the center of ur screen with the big ugly menu bar at the top??? yeah ariana grande was always my background for my l*rr* st*l*n*s*n layouts

perrie edwards → this was right around the time she was dating zayn & little mix was breaking out into the spotlight, yeah i just really loved her

andrea russett → okay so remember o2l?? andrea russett was kian’s girlfriend for a pretty long time and they always did videos together and i always thought she was super pretty

lily collins → maybe i don’t like clary in tmi all that much but i sure liked the way lily collins looked

alona tal → MY BISEXUAL AWAKENING, it’s only when i saw alona tal in spn that i realized, fuck i might be gay

park jihyo → i discovered twice (my 2nd jype group after day6) through the like ooh-ahh mv and red-haired jihyo really did something to my heart (i just rewatched it and god zombie bang chan is so mf cute)

kim jisoo → when bp made their square two comeback i was immediately smitten for red-haired jisoo in playing with fire, it’s also when i realized she was my bias out of the four members

shin ryujin → the reason that i have blue hair is partially bc of ryujin and her amazing intro in wannabe :D

xuan lu → her portrayal of jiang yanli was SO ON POINT and she’s just such a kindhearted wonderful person wow i want her hand in marriage

lee yoobin → god i’ve known dreamcatcher from back when they were still called minx and ever since i’ve always looked at dami that bit more than the rest, i was also able to see dreamcatcher live in october of 2019 and the whole experience was just so amazing !!

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

there’s a whole lot more than just these 10 but i wanted to fit the evolution into one (1) slide as best as i could lmao

peter pan → this movie came out in 2003 (?) and he’s honestly the first fictional character i remember ever having a crush on

legolas → i was really doubting between placing haldir or legolas here but i only really got a vague haldir obsession when i was like 14

zuko → LOOK. ZUKO IN ATLA? HOT. ZUKO IN LOK? HOT EVEN IF HE’S AN OLD MAN.

will turner → man was annoying sometimes but i really liked him and his relationship with elizabeth was cute

jo harvelle → gosh i can’t believe she’s the only female character in here???? yeah she was one of my two spn faves and i’ll never forgive the screenwriters for the way they killed her off

castiel → does your fave ever get sent to super hell for being gay? no? well. mine did

kili → fili and kili’s storyline tore my heart out, spit on it, and then laughed straight in my face, KILI WAS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE DWARF

howl → i only watched this movie for the first time in 2020 so i kinda fucked up the tl cause i watched cql in 2019 but shh, anyways howl with his blonde hair was good looking but howl with his black hair just hits differently. i want a howl

lan jingyi → MY BABY BOY, TINIE LITTLE BABIE WHOMST I MUST PROTECT ok no but seriously this kid. i love him a lot

mu qing → BARK BARK. that’s all (that’s not all i love him a whole lot and it hurts me to see so many people misunderstand his character and only see the bad parts of him when they can forgive others for fucking up (eg. xie lian himself & feng xin) but bc mu qing doesn’t deal well with emotions suddenly he’s the bad guy??? i s2g if ppl are gonna do to him what they did to jiang cheng in the tgcf la i will RIOT)

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Thought about something cute like reader and 5sos singing on the same festival and she’s dating cal 😭 and they switch with her guitarist and drummer boy and at first she didn’t notice but they they start to have so much fun together at the stage dancing together and doing stupid shit them following her around as she tries to prevent herself from giggling too much and actually singing 🥺🥺 and later she walks down when 5sos are performing with crystal Kay and Sierra omg 😳

+ I’m sorry I’m annoying but part two to my last asks!! I just imagine calum being all heart eyes for her minding his own business tho playing his guitar but every time he doesn’t have to use vocals or his bass he caught her hand or keep her close and ahh singing wildflower to her!!’ When at first the girls just wanted to have fun on stage with them but Calum just keeps her close the whole time singing to her and her singing back with him and being all funny and giggly together ooof

Thanks for your suggestion! It took me a minute to get to it. I did combine it with a few other suggestions. One person asked for drama and someone asked for angst. And viola! Here it is.

This is the last part of the Distance series! I’ll do an epilogue if folks want to send in some suggestions for it! HUGE thanks to everyone that sent me ideas! This series wouldn’t be what is it without you guys! 

Find the Distance series masterlist here!  Here’s my main masterlist! CW: 18+ (Smut). Angst. Lots of Fluff. 

Songs I played: Woman and From The Dining Table by Harry Styles!

Here it is at a WHOOPINg 9.6k. Enjoy!

_____________________________________________________________

The release of her album is followed by a tour. At first, she’s excited. Her mind runs wild with possibilities. Her fingers can’t keep up fast enough with every wonder and question she sends to Calum and thankfully, he doesn’t seem to mind the incessant buzzing. He takes each question in stride. It’s nice, in a way, for him to have the wisdom to give her. Like she doesn’t have to go in blind like he did, especially since it’s just her. He hopes he can make her feel a little less alone on the road. It can be a hard road to travel alone.

 The glimmer starts to wear off fast. Rehearsals turn her into a zombie. She’s up fairly early stretching, taking her dog for a walk, trying to remind herself that everything’s going to fall into place like it needs to, but the second she walks into the rehearsal space it feels like everything is going to fall apart. That somehow everything she’s ever wanted on tour is just too much, too much out of the budget, too much because she doesn’t have the weight to her name just yet. And maybe it’s a lot of glitz and glamour. Maybe she is asking for too much. Maybe that would be her downfall. 

Her phone buzzes. And she pauses, sitting on the floor with her mic in hand, and glances over to it. It’s Calum again. Another message that she won’t actually read until some ungodly hour in the night. He’s got to be up to his throat in worry. She can’t seem to think enough to text him back during the day. Too much is going on. She feels like she’s going to sink, just through the carpeted floor and through the concrete foundation and bury herself into the dirt. Maybe that would be a better fate for her. 

She turns her attention back to her notebook, with the crude drawing she made when she was trying to set the stage. “Let’s just,” she sighs. “Let’s start from scratch.”

And it works. Though it’s long and arduous, she’s able to figure out how to set the stage, finalizing the neon design. There’s a rough draft at the video that will be playing behind her for a wardrobe change. By the time she’s able to crawl into her sheets, it’s nearly 1 am. There’s barely enough energy to keep her eyes open to send Calum an apology text. When she wakes, she grins at her dog waiting patiently at the side of her bed.  “Ready to go, bubs?”

They give a tiny whine and rest their snout on the covers. She laughs, “Yeah, you’re ready to go.” She manages to brush her teeth and slips into a change of clothes before going out for a run. 

Between showering and getting dressed, she checks her messages. Happy to hear that you got things straightened, baby. Reach out whenever you get a breather, reads the text from Calum. 

She responds with a good morning text and then switches over to her email. At the top is an email with ‘urgent’ in the subject. She’s praying it’s not more bad news. She doesn’t quite have the heart to withstand more bad news after the progress they made yesterday. It’s details about a festival date in LA. That perfectly lines between her break between the European leg of the tour and the North America dates. She doesn’t even think twice about agreeing to the festival show. 

Right as her day winds down, from a shockingly smooth day of rehearsals, Calum calls her. And though she’s drenched in sweat from the light choreography and running it for hours, she stops and answers. “Hey, baby.”

“Oh, she lives!”

“I know, I know. Sorry.”

“Only kidding. I know you’re hard at work. It’s just really good to hear your voice. How are rehearsals?”

“Really good now. Once we got over the hump, it’s like smooth sailing.”

“Good, I’m glad. I was calling. We got word a couple days ago about a festival show right when you’re on break between legs. And I was hoping you had some free time, just to hang out.”

She can’t contain the smile, leaning her head against the window. The evening twilight has already settled outside. “I’m joining that festival too. And we’ll be hanging out in LA for a few days for rehearsals and then shipping out. So absolutely, we can hang out. I miss your face. And Duke. God, I miss Duke.”

He laughs. Of course she emphasizes her longing for his dog over him. But he wouldn’t have it any other way. “I really can’t wait to see you.” It falls from his lips in a whisper, a secret between the two of them that no one else can be in on. But the boys see it. Everytime his phone buzzes he does his best to look at it as soon as he can just in case it’s her. It’s harder to get out of bed, especially when he hasn’t talked to her in a while. “Can’t wait to kiss you again.”

“You’re a sap, you know.”

“But I’m your sap.”

She giggles, softly, watching cars whizz by. “Yeah, you are my sap.”

_________________________________

Her tour starts off well. And even though it’s her first time being out on the road like this, a constant bouncing around, and completely flipping her normal routine, she manages to cope pretty well. And it helps of course when she calls her friends, or talks to her dog. But it’s still definitely draining, pouring every bit of herself out on stage and then having just enough time to recoup before doing it all over again. There’s value in it, when the lights lift, and she can see the crowd that’s gathered just for her. It’s surreal and makes her feel like she could do this all the time. That the only thing she’d ever need is the sound of a crowd singing her songs back to her. 

In her dressing room, she swaps the gold earrings for a pair of acrylic ones, these jade green. “You’re too quiet on me,” she says, flicking her gaze down to her tablet. 

Calum picks his head up. “It’s hard to say much when perfection’s staring you in the face.”

She grins, hooking the earring back on. “Thank you, but that’s not what I meant.”

“We just got word about two more festivals in the same week you have your break. One’s in LA still, the other one’s a little ways out.” There’s no need to fake the funk anymore, or hide it away. She has another three weeks of shows before her break. And maybe he expects her to fly off the handle. Maybe he expects her to throw a fit, about how they had made plans, and it’s the only time they’ll get for each other for months. 

But she doesn’t. She nods, fingers twirling over her rings. “What are they others saying?”

“They’re itching to get back on stage. And from a business standpoint, it’s money in the pocket of course. But I know we made plans and I feel like an ass. But there’s also the band, too.”

“Our jobs aren’t easy,” she sighs. “Take the gigs.” Calum can see her eyes tearing up just a little. “Mind if tag along on the LA show?”

“Of course not. I’m really, really sorry, buttercup. I’m so sorry.”

She waves her hand, trying to keep the tears back. If they fall, they become real. It’s his job. Just like it’s hers. “I get it.” It’s tight as it leaves her throat. And it takes her a second, plus a few sips of water to get control of her emotions, and clear out all the tears that threaten to fall. He wishes he could say more, or do more. But it’s like the words die in his throat. And he’s left, mouth gaping, wishing and wanting, but unable to do anything. 

“Does it look bad if I just forgo my heels tonight from the start? They’re killing my feet on stage,” she laughs. 

It’s a small grin, upturns a corner of his mouth but doesn’t keep it up for long. “You usually end up kicking them off anyway, halfway through the show.”

“Someone’s been scrolling through my name on Twitter, huh?”

He does. Watching her is mesmerizing and he’s sad that he can’t get the chance to see it in person, so he resorts to the fan videos. But he’s yet to admit to it. “I do not do such a thing.” And there’s giggles. A fit of laughter as she looks over the outfits and plucks her oversize denim jacket and figures even in the shorts, she can make the docs Calum surprised her with work. So she slides into the worn red leather shoes and starts lacing them up. 

Calum whistles, heart racing just a little. He didn’t know those shoes had made the cut. “Look at you.” 

She strikes a pose but laughs. “Do I look good?”

“You look fucking amazing, buttercup.” 

__________________________

The sound of the crowd roaring before her ears turn on will always make her heart race. Calum said he would try to sneak side stage, but considering that he had to play on the mainstage right after her set on the side stage, it might not be for long. She didn’t mind that. But she hadn’t seen him. Not a blond crop in sight, of course if he hasn’t changed his hair since the last time. Her bassist strums the opening cord and it sends the crowd into a tizzy. With her guitar strapped around, she rolls out her neck, lining up. 

As they walk out onto the stage, they launch right into the first song. She feels her fingers buzzing as she strums. But it feels good. The LA sun is hot but she kind of welcomes it versus the heat of the stage lights. There’s still a small breeze. It comes in waves for sure and she can tell that her pits are going to be soaked by song three. “How’s everybody doing?” she shouts into the mic. 

There’s cheer in response and she laughs, hearing it reverb for just a moment. “That’s what I like to hear. Just want to say thank you for coming to see me play today. Your support truly means a lot to me.”

She continues on for just a few more seconds and right as she goes to introduce the fourth song of her set, everyone in the crowd starts to get rowdy. She thinks nothing of it, as the song starts. But she knows something is happening and she turns to check her drummer and in her spin, there’s Calum, her bassist’s bass slung over his shoulder, fingers sliding over the frets, plucking at the strings. Not that she doesn’t think Calum would go for a mint green bass on his own, but she hasn’t seen one in his collection just yet. 

If it weren’t for the verse coming back up, she knows she would just stare. Singing into her mic, she throws a few glances over to him. Waiting as the harmony comes in and Calum slides up to the music, voice smooth in her inner ears, she almost melts right there on the spot. She hadn’t quite thought about the way his voice would sound with hers, but god, he harmonizes like an angel. She finishes the verse, with a small break before the chorus again. The stage is kind of small but while facing the crowd, she can’t quite see to her sides. 

She knows though. She can almost sense when Calum approaches her. She giggles just a little into the mic, watching him smile at her. His head bobbing like it always does when he gets into whatever he’s playing or listening too. Calum plays next to her, watching the way the sweat trails down her forehead, but doesn’t streak an ounce of her makeup. He almost gives in, almost bends in to kiss her on the cheek, but he doesn’t. He lets her voice and the song carry him away, into his spin and up to the drummer’s stand. One foot on the riser, Calum bobs along, laughing at his expression, the raised eyebrow that says it all. 

She gets a small break to watch the way Calum interacts with her band. Almost as if he’s known them just as long as she has. And in some ways, he probably has. She talks about Calum to them and talks about her band to Calum all the time.  Once the song ends, Calum throws one hand in a tiny wave, before smiling over at her. “Didn’t scare you, did I?” he asks, away from the mic. 

She shakes her head, sure that her cheeks will hurt after this. Laughing, she thanks Calum as he walks off stage. And she knows, she knows she shouldn’t. But she jogs after him, as her bassist comes back on, sending a smile over her shoulder too. It’s in that moment that it becomes clear, this was planned. Catching Calum right in the wings, she catches his wrist, tugging him in close before kissing him. It’s quick, but Calum’s heart races in his chest. She runs back out. “Sorry about that guys. I did not expect that.” 

And as they get back to their set, Calum watches her for one more song, the way she dances around the stage. Their gazes lock just before he leaves and he blows a quick kiss, before his security are running him down the stage steps and across the festival grounds to get back to the mainstage in time. “How’d it go?” Michael asks.

“Well,” Calum grins, throwing his brown and black bass over his shoulder. 

“Get any smooches?” Luke teases, smacking his lips together, while his arm is slung over Sierra’s shoulder. 

“And if I did?” 

“On stage?” Michael screeches. 

“No, side stage. I almost kissed her on stage. But I didn’t want that all over the internet.” Considering that they aren’t official publically in any capacity, it would just cause more headache. Their set begins and Calum knows she has to run across the festival, so he’s not worried when by the time they step out and get three songs in, she hasn’t shown up at the side of the stage. And by the time, Calum regains consciousness enough to check again, there she is, standing off to the side, still in what she performed and breathing hard but she waves, gently from the side. 

Out of reflex, once the chords are played, he gives a small wave in return. She returns the blown kiss from earlier and the other girls laugh softly at the action. “God, you guys are so fucking smitten with each other, it’s insane,” Sierra jokes.

There’s no denying it she knows. They’re like lovesick puppies and though it would normally annoy her, it’s nice. Without another word, she sips at her bottle of water and watches Calum, with all the laughs and grins he gives, pouring his soul out onto the stage. 

And though the video calls, and the calls, work. They’re not quite enough. Her tour comes to an end, but just around the corner is Calum’s tour with the band. She think she might be able to sneak another week away before she starts working on her album, but then she gets asked to perform at some more festivals in her home country. And, who is she to turn that down? The more shows she plays, the more her name is out there, the more streams, and the merchandise is purchased. It becomes an endless wheel. Things just keep going, and going, and going and the whole time, she keeps looking for the breaks. For the thing that can put her life on pause and let her feel normal again. 

Everytime she thinks she can get real time with Calum, it ends up short. He has something that comes up. She has something that comes in. It was the festival in LA and now her festival run. It’s his tour and her sophomore album. Why had she met Calum when she did? Was the universe playing a cruel joke on her? Was it taunting her that it could give her everything she wanted and then threatening to have it crumble? Sitting her hotel room, her phone shakes, another call from Calum. She doesn’t answer it, staring at the fridge in her room. She could get a drink. Wouldn’t be hard just take it from the mini fridge. 

Her phone stops shaking. And then a minute later, it chimes, letting her know that a voice message has been left behind. The third one and more likely than not it’s from Calum. She wants this. She wants the relationship, but lately, it felt like there was no time. There was no time for anything. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t pause. And that’s all she wanted. That’s all she wants right now. She doesn’t want to open that voicemail to Calum pleading with her to answer. She wants to get back to when things were easier. And obviously, they were easier because they both had nothing to do. 

Swiping her room key and her wallet, she heads down to the bar in the hotel. She orders herself a glass of wine. The glass makes a soft click as it settles down in front of her. She takes one sip. And it’s a little bitter, the red drier than she remembers it being. Soon the glass stares back at her and she can see her warped reflection. Would it just be easier for them to take things down a level? Is she afraid of hard work or more afraid of heartache?

With another two glasses of wine in her, she climbs back into the elevator and it takes her up, floor by floor until it digs and the doors slide open. The room is dark when she reenters like she left it the AC blasting. But she can see the blue light of her phone, on the desk, lighting up that corner of the room. Is it fair? If she wants to bolt, if she wants to cut ties so it makes things so much easier for them? Why couldn’t it be easy?

Calum’s sure he’s going to pull all his hair out. One moment, things are going good. They get a little tight for sure with their schedules never quite lining up to allow them more time together. But this is the third day in a row that he’s gone with nothing from her. No texts, not a returned call. Not even a meme in their Twitter thread. Nothing on her finsta. Her regular account post mainly about her upcoming shows. But he is as closed to being blocked without actually being blocked. 

“Hey, I-I don’t know if something’s gone wrong. But please, please call me back. Or text me. Or send me a voice message. Something. Anything. Please? If I did anything, please let know what it was? I’m worried. Am I losing you?”

He ends the recording and sends it. Maybe he ought to stop reaching out so much. Should he wait for her to respond before sending more? But he doesn’t want to lose her? He doesn’t want to lose what they have. He hasn’t found it with anyone else in all his searching and even in his not searching. This fell into his lap and he can’t stand to lose it. Not when there had to be something to do to save it. 

His phone sits for another day and half before she calls. He hands shake as he goes to answer it. He almost doesn’t want to answer it. His vegetable stir fry even threatens to come back up his throat. It’s not even burnt this time. But somewhere in his mind, somewhere deep, he had figured she wouldn’t ever call him back. He would be cursed to always wonder what went wrong. “Hey,” he breathes as he answers the call. 

“Hey.” It’s croaky, like she might’ve been crying. And then it’s silent. Neither one of them are sure how to bring it up. Neither of them know how to ask what’s lingering between the two of them seems almost too much for words.

“Did I do something?”

“No,” she sighs. It would be easier if he had. It would be easier if she had. It would be easier if both of them were just bad for each other. “It’s just hard.” 

“Talk to me. Let me in. We can figure it out.”

That’s the whole crux of her issue. She had let Calum in. She had let him so far in that it was starting to seem impossible to stay in her country and work. She had let him so far in that she wasn’t sure it would be possible to go months without seeing him properly. He was in everything, her bookshelves, her closet, her studio, her lyrics, her studio, in her sheets. Everything reminded her of him. And it just hurt in a way that she didn’t think being in love could hurt. In her silence, Calum continues on, “Let me look at something.” He scrolls through the emails, looking at the dates. 

“How? How do we figure it out? On your tour, the only break you have in my country I’m in promo. And after that, you only get a day here or there. Everything’s so mismatched now.” 

Calum blinks the tears that are stinging at his lower lash line. “Something’s gonna give.” Something has to give. There has to be something. Calum goes back to emails. What would be the magic code for them?

“I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

His throat jumps at her words, heart racing. “No, don’t say that. If you say that, I know what comes next.”

“Maybe it would just be easier, Calum.” 

He is sick of it. Sick of things always blowing up in his face. But he can’t make her do something. He can’t make her take the words back, even if he wants her too. “We said there was an us.” It’s not accusorary as it falls from his lips. It just hurts. Things were going so well for so long, until time proved herself the ultimate judge yet again. “So what now?” The walls of his house start to push in closer on him. 

“I’m not saying I never wanted more for us. I’m not saying that I want to cut you completely out of my life, Calum. I wanted so much more for us.”

“Me too. I want more for us.” 

“Is now a good time though? Is now going to allow us more?”

Calum wants to laugh, it bubbles in his chest and he knows it’s delivery would be dry but he swallows it back down. “If you’re always waiting for the perfect moment, you’ll be waiting for a long time.”

“Maybe there’s a better time for us. Not a perfect one. Just a better one.”

“Maybe,” he whispers. 

“You know, you’re in everything right? When you said to let you in, I couldn’t help but think that was my problem. You’re in my goddamn sheets. You’re in everything. When the sun rises, it’s like watching you smile. If you think I’m shutting you out, that I’m trying to save myself, I want you to know that I’m doing the exact opposite. I am drowning. In everything. In you. In whatever the fuck it means to be a musician. I am drowning and I can’t bear taking you down with me.”

He couldn’t possibly be in everything, not when she was in everything for him. In his journals, in the strings of his bass. When he sits down at a piano, he can’t help but think of the throaty notes that start the song she wrote about him. He can’t help but hear her voice, Brown irises and black tattoos. Maybe they were both drowning and couldn’t see anything but the water invading their own nostrils and lungs. “You’ll always be there,” Calum says, sniffling. The tears shock him, he hadn’t felt them until they’re running down his neck. He doesn’t even know where there is, but he feels it in the cavity of his chest.

_________________

That video is going to haunt him. And it’ll haunt her too. Whenever they see the videos and pictures of when Calum surprised her on stage it always shows just how fucking happy they were with each other. How things really were working for them. But right around the corner, right as she runs behind the edge of the stage, the world doesn’t see the kiss. They don’t see the tears that followed phone calls. They don’t see how schedules always seems to be running in parallel but never fucking intersectiong. That’s all they needed. Just one point to intersect, to meet again at, and maybe they would still be tagging each other in stupid memes. Maybe they would still be talking until crazy hours of the morning. Maybe they would still be writing small poems about each other and always posting them, but never saying who they were about. 

Maybe if they just had the one chance to intersect again, her second album wouldn’t be about him. Maybe she could’ve talked about the way the clouds surf in the sky. Maybe she would have pondered the questions of existence without it being tied up in lost love. Maybe Calum would’ve had more to say in interviews. Maybe then, no one would ask him about his love life and it wouldn’t hurt to goddamn bad every time one of the other boys would jump in to save him. Maybe Calum wouldn’t feel like a rock sinking to the bottom of the river and seeing the sunlight just above him, but never having the willpower to push back up. 

He hadn’t removed her number. Hadn’t unfollowed her on her finsta. Hadn’t blocked her on a goddamn platform. Because somehow that felt like a harsher step. Like a permanent close, like he was trying to erase who she was and what she had meant to him. It’s stupid, he knows. It’s insane and it’s not helping him in the slightest, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Maybe part of it was that natural and sometimes detrimental curiosity if that person was suffering just like you. He wanted to know if she bled just like him, if her pain was just as vicious as his. 

Calum watches the video loop back again. The way she bites her lower lip but runs after him. The crowd is still screaming. They are still cheering. They are still buzzing. After saving the tweet, he drafts a message to her: I know you’ve moved to New York. I hope you’re enjoying it. City makes you feel anonymous doesn’t it? I have two days off during this tour. Maybe we have our better time now? I’m sure by now you know all the best places in town for pizza. I could be down for some cheesy delights. 

Should he send that? His fingers shake. What’s left for them after a year and a half? They’ve still supported each other. He retweets about all her singles and videos. She praises the band’s new music in interviews. They aren’t unknown to each other. But somehow they feel like two ghosts. There’s a glass wall between and they look at each other just in passing. They never touch. They never intersect again. Instead, he exits the messaging app, but doesn’t actually delete the words. 

When he goes back to the message thread, about a week from their dates in New York, there’s no shock that the app hasn’t saved it. And he feels partially relieved. He exits the app again and goes back to his mindless scroll through Instagram. An app saved him this time. 

There is nothing to save him though, when he walks into the green room and spies her shrugging a coat on. The New York mornings are a little cool to the start. His heart is now in his throat. He’s not sure if he should swallow it back down. “We can go,” Ashton says quietly, taking him back his arm gently.

And somehow, like her ears are tuned in on everything, she hears something like her name, something like a soft wisp of a voice. When she looks up and sees Calum, donned in all black, though his long lined jacket has some white stitching and embroidery, she’s sure she could melt into the floor. He still looks good. Still has the same quiet pout to his face that makes him look slightly less approachable but it changes in a heartbeat when he smiles. She grabs the strap to her bookbag purse. 

She knows it was her that ended things. She knows that seeing Calum here in front of her, should make her feel embarrassed. But somehow, all she wants to do, all she’s ever wanted to do since that phone call is embrace him one last time. Tell him that he’s still handsome as ever. Promise him that she meant what she said, that he was and still is in everything. “C’mon. We gotta go,” her security tell her. 

But all she can do is stare at Calum. Unzipping her purse, she finds the note, the letter she never had the courage to send him and with a deep breath, she walks over. Ashton looks like he could probably murder her. And she doesn’t blame him. She could never blame that instinct to protect the ones you love especially from the ones that hurt them the most. “I’m sorry,” she says, holding out the white envelope. “For everything. And if we don’t ever get that better time, know I’d only ever wish the best for you.”

Calum’s fingers barely grasp onto the note before she’s sidestepping him. The boys circle around him, like they’re just waiting for his word to pounce. She steps through the heavy glass door. And she’s leaving him again. She’s going to slip through his fingers. Again. Pushing through Luke and Michael, Calum swings open the door. “Wait!” he calls out. 

She stops, spinning on her heels to face him again. Calum jogs down the corridor. All the offices have windows. Everyone is probably watching. With both hands cupping her face, letter between his fingers and all, he pulls her in close. “You’re not leaving me again. You’re not going to walk out my life a second time. Not without me putting up a hell of a fight.”

“You shouldn’t fight for me. Not after what I did.”

“Meet me tonight. Let’s actually talk about it. I’ve been holding so much inside and if, god forbid, if it’s not now if we had our shoot and we fucking blew it, at least I’ll know for sure.”

“Does 8 work for you?” She tries so hard not to wrap her hands around his wrist, not to slide it up his forearms and tug herself into his chest. And god, he still smells the same. Old Spice and Gain. It feels so right to press herself into his chest. 

“Yeah,” he mumbles into the top of her head. It’s still the same scent as before in almost two years, he can’t even believe it.

She takes a step back, patting at her pockets and pulls out a pen. Pulling the envelope from his fingers, she scribbles down a name and address. “If this place is too far from your hotel, just call me.” He watches her, jotting down more numbers. “It’s my new US number.” While handing the infor back to him, she grins just a little. “Don’t lose it now.”

Calum laughs, remembering the first time she delivered that line to him. “I won’t. Promise.”

Dear Calum, 

There’s no real way to say this that doesn’t make my chest feel like it’s been punched  in. I shouldn’t have let you go. There was a way to make it all work. There was a way so that you and I could’ve pushed through. I was just too scared of things going too right, going too well. Maybe that sounds dumb. Or maybe that sounds insane. But the truth of the matter, I messed up. I’m sorry. And you don’t have to ever forgive me. You deserve the ability to move on. You deserve everything good that comes to you in the future. I want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with me. Even if our better time has passed. 

You deserve to be happy. 

Calum reads over the letter again. Still not sure how his lungs are still operating because he was positive all the air had been exhaled. It’s the fourth time he’s read it today. Since he had Michael read it out to him in the green room. He would’ve asked Ashton, but knew that Ashton would’ve told him not to worry, to keep moving forward. Because he had, in a way. He had thrown himself into music. He had tried to chase after her in other people. He had read all the books on poetry, and love, and philosophy. But something down in his gut told him that he would never let her go again if he got a second chance with her. 

He looks at the date. She wrote it six months after everything went south. Maybe she forgot to send it. It had his name on it--just never fully addressed out though. She could’ve messaged him. Emailed. Called. Literally anything and he would’ve answered. But hadn’t she? What held her back? And just as he goes to read it over one more time, the door chimes open. He looks at his phone. Just as the time ticks over to 8. And when he glances over his shoulder, there she is. In the same jacket from before. 

The little pizza shop isn’t too loud. Most people come in just to get their few slices and then dip right back out. She smiles, waving just a little before sliding onto the stool next to him. She points to the letter, that he hasn’t even moved to put up, “Sorry it’s not my best work. I thought about finding a synonym for happy but nothing fit right.”

With a breathy chuckle, Calum folds the letter up, slipping it into his pocket. “What do you recommend off the menu?”

“God, with this place, anything.” 

They settle back down on the stools, paper plates not fully supporting the extra large slices and a stack of napkins between them. The grease runs down his chin and Calum feels it rolling too. But his hands are full trying to keep his slice from falling. She laughs, dabbing at his face with a napkin. “I still see you’re the messiest eater around.”

“Hey, hey, it’s not my fault,” he grins. Their giggles dissipate as the bell chimes again, a signal of another patron entering. “What happened?” The question doesn’t feel full enough, doesn’t feel like it fully encapsulates all the confusion he holds. But yet, those are the only words he has.

“A lot started happening all at once. Your tour, my second album. More shows. It just-I felt like I couldn’t breathe. That I wasn’t a person. And maybe part of it was selfish. Maybe I was trying to save myself all along and I was just telling myself and you that I wasn’t selfish. I really am sorry. Like, if I had known, god if I had known that doing that would’ve caused all the pain it did, trust me, I wouldn’t have. If I could go back and tell myself, that crazy shit happens and you just gotta learn how to keep your cool, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It was a mistake letting you go. But at the same time, reaching out felt wrong too. Like I would’ve been ruining the peace you had created for yourself. And I didn’t want to do that either.”

“You know, I felt like we had something different. Like that was really going to be it for me and I had finally figured out this whole being in love thing. That I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. And maybe that was my mistake. Maybe I saw something happening and didn’t do anything.”

“We were living continents away. With everything happening, you weren’t seeing all of it. No need to blame yourself.” She takes his hand, slipping her fingers between his, twisting at the silver band around his middle finger. “I do want you to be happy, Calum. I want you to be so happy it just can’t be contained.”

“I was with you.” He squeezes her hand, willing her to look at him and not the street in front of them, through the glass. 

“I’m still not in L.A.”

“But you are in the same country as me now and I will take that.”

“You’d still take me back after everything?” When she looks at him, brows furrowed together, Calum knows he’s a goner. He always was with her. 

“I would.” 

“You’d be crazy.”

“I am already crazy. Because I’m tempted to ask you where you’re staying and if I could stay the night.”

He’s leaned in to her, just a hair. And she leans in too, resting mostly shoulder to shoulder. “You are crazy,” she laughs softly, taking in the reflection of the neon lights on the street. “But maybe I’m also crazy too.”

The night is cool again. Both of their boots scuff the concrete. She doesn’t stay far from the small diner, a ten minute walk really. With fingers threaded through each other, they walk huddled close up the sidewalks. The wind whips across their faces. They dodge piles of trash on the edge of the sidewalks and they keep their heads down so as to not attract a crowd. “How do you like New York? Got to be a huge shock?”

“It most definitely is. I like feeling anonymous here. With so many people around.”

“I know you said you don’t do well with people and New York feels like the opposite of the place you want to. Especially not in the city.”

“I mean, I still don’t do great with people. I’m in the city for the time being. But I have my eye on a few places further out. But after everything, I felt less lonely here. I don’t know. No one cared about who I was. No one cared what the fuck I was doing here. And I liked it better that way. Back home, everyone knew. Everyone looked at me like I was a broken vase. Here, no one gave a shit. It’s move or be moved here. Forced me to come to terms with everything. Forced me to accept everything I was trying to hide.”

“Do you need to go to your hotel? Grab or bag or something?” She asks just before they pass the opening for the subway. 

“I have my roomkey. It’s all good. All the interviews were today.” 

“As long as you’re sure.”

He gives her hand another squeeze. “I’m sure.” They reach the door to the complex and she digs out her keys, opening the front door. Calum follows her through the second set of doors. The elevator is a little janky as it carries them up, and definitely tiny. In the space, they’re pressed chest to chest. There are a few extra lines around her eyes, he notices and runs the pad of his thumb over the skin. It’s just as soft as it’s always been. She feels so familiar under his touch, yet so new. 

It’s not a far ascent and she laughs when he pouts as she pulls away. “Just like four more steps.” 

It’s true to word, when they step out of the elevator, her door is directly in front of it. Her keys jingle just a little as she works the lock and pushes into the chipping red paint of the door. Her dog leaps from the couch, greeting her and then barking just a little when they spot Calum. He laughs, kneeling to hug them to his chest. “You still remember me, huh?” he laughs, as they attempt to lick his face and jaw. “Oh, too long, I know. Sorry, bubs. Didn’t forget about you.”

She takes his jacket, hanging it by the door. “Want anything to drink?”

Calum shakes his head from her couch, working at his shoes. “No, I’m good, thank you.”

She nods, watching as her dog claims Calum’s attention. But she can’t find an ounce of herself to be mad or annoyed. So she slips out of her shoes and puts them up, before getting herself a bottle of water. When she settles onto the couch, she just laughs at the antics. Calum keeps trying to say something but at every twist, her dog is right there, plopping themselves in his lap. Calum eventually gives up and wraps his arms around their body, scratching lightly at their fur. 

“Someone missed you too,” she teases, putting her two fingers really close together. “Just a tiny bit.”

His laughter echoes in her head. “Yeah, clearly just a little.” He lifts his head just a little when he feels the wet tongue at his chin. “So, you’re working on your third album?”

“On and off,” she admits. “Playing more shows than anything for the time being. I don’t have to think. Everytime I think too much I end up fucking something up. So I’m just taking it easy for the time being. Taking some brand deals.”

“You’ve got a collab coming out soon, right?”

She nods at the question, laughing as her dog finally settles down. “Yeah, next month. I’ve always lived kind of a boring life, you know that.”

“There’s a lot I don’t know.” He can finally shift, as her dog wanders over to the water bowl, so that he can sit in front of her. It’s a dangerous game. He’s played it before with her. But he takes her chin into his hands. “We haven’t really talked in a while.”

“Is there something you want to say, Calum?”

“Yeah,” he returns simply. Her breath hitches, eyes searching his brown ones for something, anything that tells her what’s going on. “I wonder if your lips still feel the same. I always thought about the way you’d laugh sometimes into a kiss. And it used to haunt me. But right now, I want to find out if anything else has changed.”

She wastes no time, pushing up and sealing her mouth around his. His hand slides to the back of her neck and she pulls at the collar of his shirt. They fall into each other, then falling into the arm of the couch. She exhales her laughter, still pecking at Calum’s lip. Her fingers tease the skin of his upper chest and neck.

“I was right,” he grins. 

She hooks her finger around the gold plate. “I guess you were.” She pulls him back in for another kiss, slipping her hands into his hair. 

As his lips trail over her jaw and down to her neck, she thinks about the time at her apartment back home, Calum woke her up with kisses down her jaw. They still feel the same. Maybe even a little bit better. His finger push up the hem of her shirt, squeezing at the flesh of her side. She sighs and Calum groans at the sound. It sets off everything in his body when he hears her quiet noises of pleasure. 

“Is this okay?” he asks, pulling away to look at her as his fingers brush over her skin. “I don’t want to push you or take things too fast this time.”

Being with Calum feels like no time has past, if she’s honest. She doesn’t have the butterflies, just the comfort of someone she’s known for a year. And it sort of feels like they’re picking back up from where they left off. “I’m okay with it.”

He grins and she sees it--that rising sun in the gleam. His forehead rests against her. “I kinda feel like we have a lot of lost time to make up for.” His lips brush just over hers as he speaks. 

She exhales her laughter again, but agrees. “Just a little bit. I really am sorry.”

“We all make mistakes. You just have to communicate with me, okay? That’s all. Talk to me this time. If you feel like you’re drowning, let me help. Please.”

She pushes up and Calum settles back down into the cushion, taking her hands into his. “I know things won’t be like, perfect now. But I guess, it’s really important that we do get to spend quality time together.”

“It is. And I know my tour schedule is pretty packed right now, but there’s another longer break in about three weeks. They’re LA shows. I don’t know if you have plans, but if you do, we can hang out then.”

She has to laugh because here’s the trouble all over again. “Booked recording sessions then.”

“Okay, well, the week after that is the break between legs. What are you doing then?”

“Nothing.” There’s a break between sessions, and she had just planned to use the time to breathe. 

“I’ll fly you out then. Just you and I and my rehearsals. But that’s besides the point.”

Laughing, she rests her head into his bicep. “Just you, I, and your rehearsals. Got it.”

“We’ll have to better plan out things, that’s all. We’ll have to look at both our schedules and make sure that there’s sufficient breaks and time together.” He guides her head up. “I want you. And I mean all of you. I can’t stand to lose you again.”

“I just have to make sure Ashton doesn’t kill me.”

“He’s protective, yes. But not an evil. I’ll talk to him. Don’t you worry.” 

“He did write a whole song about how he’d bury a body for you. So I think I have a little bit to worry about.”

Calum laughs, shaking his head. “Maybe just a little bit.” Her grin makes him want to bottle it. He wants to carry it with him in his pocket. Leaning closer, he kisses her again. “But right now, it’s just you and I. There’s nothing else but time for us right now.”

She hums. “I like the sound of that.”

Fingers trail back under shirts. She drinks down his moans as they tease, barely touch. Calum’s shirt is discarded in the living room and her is pulled off in the hallway. Calum holds her face in his hands, memorizing the way her teeth sink into his bottom lip in the gentle nip. He moans. Fuck, she feels so good against him. 

Her spine shivers as his fingers trail to her back and unsnap the band of her bra. As the fabric falls from her shoulders and she tosses it somewhere, Calum takes a hand just to cup her. His fingers roll the erect bud and she sighs again, mouth falling slack against his. He laughs. “Hmm, that’s right. Someone does like their nipples played with.”

She grins though, blinking open her eyes. “Don’t think I forgot that you don’t listening to rules and like a little pain.”

Finding her waist with both hands, Calum holds her in close. “You wouldn’t dare.”

She bends her knees, just a little and with hot and open mouth kisses she trails down his chest before taking her teeth into the meat of his peck. Calum jolts, a grunt falling over his lips and throat. “I would dare,” she returns. 

They fall into her sheets, the same golden ones from before. They’re just as soft against Calum’s skin. It’s warm, as their skin heats up. Her skirt has landed somewhere to the floor and Calum pushes his hips up as she shrugs the denim down. She kisses over his thighs, moaning just a little. Calum lets his eyes flutter close at her soft kisses. 

Everything just feels right. Even as Calum takes a nipple into his mouth, tongue teasing her just a little. Or when she kisses over his length. But right now, she tosses her head back when Calum pries her legs open kissing up her inner thighs. “I’ve dreamed of this,” he whispers, watching as she clenches, more of her arousal leaking from her. 

She huffs, pulling a hand through her hair. “You sure do know how to make a girl sweat.”

“It’s a speciality,” he laughs with a wink before kissing her clit. She balls on fist around her sheets, stomach completely clenched. The last thing she wants is to have to wait much longer for anything. The anticipation can be a good thing, though she’s doing everything she can to keep her cool. That is, until Calum finally takes the first lap from her and she unravels, a moan leaving her throat as it mixes with a whine. 

He takes his time, pushing her thighs and knees to give him all the access he could ever want. Calum licks another stripe over her, before sucking her clit into his mouth. She taste better than he could’ve ever imagined. Every sound she gives--moans, groans, or a whine--rattles in his brain and spurs him on. One of her hands finds it’s way into his hair and she tries to push up with her hips and his face down into her core. But it’s not like he needs the assistance or the reminder. When he trails down to her opening, his nose brushes over her clit and her body is reeling. 

“Oh, fuck,” she whines, feeling the coil in her lower gut tightening. 

Calum hums at the sounds, and when she praises him, tells him that he’s the only one to make her feel this fucking food, he rewards, slipping a finger into the mix, pushing up into her. “Is that so?” he asks, watching her head dive deeper into the pillows. 

“God, Calum,” she huffs. 

Another finger finds it way inside, pushing and curling in all the right places. Her body feels like it’s on fire. She feels like she’s a coil so tightly wound she’s going to break. His tongue flicks across her click, lapping at her. And that’s it, that’s the right combination to send her over the edge. Over she goes, with a yelp, her orgasm rocking her frame and toes curling as she cries out for Calum. 

He keeps her going, keeps curling his fingers at her. So lost in the way she sounds. And when the huffs turn into a hiss, he pulls back. She beckons him up, kissing him and tasting her own arousal coating his lips and tongue. He’s careful not to settle fully against her, but it’s quickly changed when her legs come up and lock around his waist. “I’m not gonna break,” she laughs, when he finally let’s go and sinks into her. 

She swallows his response with a kiss but it doesn’t matter anyway. Her hips come up and Calum rolls onto his back, letting her settle atop him. Her nails rake down his skin and she sucks at his neck, he’s sure it’ll bruise just a little but it’s okay with him. His nails dig into the flesh of her hips, not sure if he wants the friction right now or if he just needed to revel in the feeling of her against him. 

“Shit,” he whines when she rocks over him. “I-fuck.”

She laughs, pulling away to reach into her drawer. “That sounds about right.”

Calum delivers a swift swat to her ass at the joke, but laughs anyway. “That is not funny.”

“Then why are you laughing.” When she turns her attention back to him, condom in hand. She stretches down to kiss him again. “Did I ever tell you you’re not the only one that likes a little pain?”

His eyebrows arches and he smooths over her ass before delivering another spank to her opposite cheek. She sighs, eyes fluttering close just a little. “Oh, buttercup, you should’ve never told me that.” 

“We can save it for another time? Because right now the only thing I can think about is riding you until the sun rises.”

Kneading at her breast, Calum grins. “Now, that sounds about right.” 

There’s a moment, right as she settles down on him fully, that they both moan at the feeling. Calum because of the warmth and slickness, her because of the stretch. Her head is dizzy again with need. She steadies herself with her hands planted on his chest and rocks. All she can focus on is the girth of him, stretching her completely open. It makes her toes tingle and she falters, falling into his chest, but starts a new cadence, pulling up and settling back down on his length. 

“Holy shit,” he huffs. She buries her face into the crook of his neck and Calum coaxes her out, to look at him. “You don’t get to hide from me, not again. Wanna see that pretty face when you cum.”

Her hips are still rocking but she nods, eyes fluttering close just for a moment. Calum kisses her, and it’s his turn to swallow down the moan she feeds him. She pushes back up, pulling her own breast between her fingers. Calum loses the top of his head, he’s sure, watching as she rides him. His fingers trail over her hips, up to her stomach. “Why’d you have to be so handsome?” she teases breathy. 

He’s not sure how to respond. Unsure of the heat he feels is a blush or the sweltering of arousal flooding his body. She takes one of his hands, trailing it towards her heat. And Calum takes the hint, thumb circling the bundle of nerves. Her head falls back on her neck as a hum builds in her chest. Calum kneads at her right breast, pulling and pushing at every button he can to have orgasm again for him. 

A high pitched squeak falls from her. The bed taps against the wall, but neither one of them really cares. Her orgasm washes over it, like a wave crashing into the shoreline. She shudders, clenching around him and falls again into his chest, but pushes up onto her elbows, remember Calum’s early demand. “Fuck,” she whines when he starts to fuck up into her. He pulls her body up and she’s useless, body still like jello from her orgasm. Her words catch in her throat. 

“It’s okay,” he whispers into her ear when she bites down onto his shoulder. “You know I like the pain.”

“Feel so good,” she returns. “Calum, shit, you feel so good.” His hips start to stutter, trying to ride out for longer, but knowing that inevitably he’s at the end of his rope. She kisses over his neck. “Cum for me, yeah? Please.”

Who is he to deny her? Who is he she to defy her? He ruts up once, twice, and she clenches hard, taking most of the wind of his third thrust but he cums hard, arms squeezing her to his chest and he knows he’s loud in her ear as he groans. Though, it’s suspected that’s just the sound she wanted to hear as she seals his mouth with hers. 

Calum wraps the towel around his waist. She’s already under the cover, with them flipped down for him. She pats the spot in the mattress. He can see some of the hickies covering her chest that he left behind. Without much thought, Calum dries off a bit more and then slips between the sheets. “Hey,” she whispers. “Come here often?”

“My first time actually. But the first of many, I hope.”

Her nose scrunches as Calum taps it. “Yeah, of many. I brought your phone into the room. Put it on my spare charger. And I know that it’ll go off at 5:55 AM. No, you don’t have to turn it off. I know it’s important to you.”

“You--you still remember that?

“I don’t know if you really remember. But when I said that you were in everything, you were everywhere. I meant it.” She turns to her back, the sheets tucked up to her chin. Both of them are bare beneath them. 

Calum’s taken up drawing random patterns on her stomach as he holds himself up on his elbow, facing her. “I remember. Could never forget that.”

“Guess we might’ve meant for something more, something better.” Her voice is soft. The blinds in her window let the lights of the city in. Nothing about it is quiet as sirens pass by. Calum lets his head fall into her pillows. She turns, both of them now facing each other again. Her arm slides over his waist. He throws one of his legs over hers. 

She’s content like this, where she can kiss across the tattoos on his chest. Though she can’t really see the one just under his peck, she thinks about the question poised there. Why would she choose anything other than Calum? It remains quiet for a while and she thinks he’s fallen asleep until his chest rumbles. 

“We were. It was just a matter of getting there. Finding the right path for us.” He’s positive, as she shuffles in a little closer that this is it for him. And if he has to fight hell, heaven, or high water, he’d do it all for her. 

[pappydaddy]

Ghost of You (f.w.)

A/N: So, I was just listening to music while writing my Steve series “I Wanna Be Yours” and Ghost of You by 5 Seconds of Summer came on and I instantly started crying so I got a sudden urge to write a sad imagine so, sorry in advance..  

Ironically enough, it’s usually me going to write something with the intent for Steve, but end up writing for Billy, but this time it’s a whole different fandom. It actually went from Billy to Steve, then it went to Fred. 

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Reader

Based off the song Ghost of You by 5 Seconds of Summer

Part One - You’re here! | Part Two

Trigger Warning: Mention of death, really sad, angst, heartbreak, depression, PTSD, mention of witnessing death, mention of drinking, slight mention of suicide.

PSA: I DO NOT agree with JK Rowling’s recent comments about the trans community, but I WILL NOT let her and her bigoted and transphobic ways ruin Harry Potter for me. Harry Potter has given me so much, I have connected to characters unlike ever before. REMEMBER, TRANS RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS. Also, my DMs are always open

Another PSA: I do know the recent drama around 5 Seconds of Summer with the claims that had been made about them, but I also know that they have been proven to be false, one of them having been committed by someone else other than a member of their band or team. I would never EVER support someone who has been accused and found guilty of claims such as the ones that 5sos had been accused off because they are horrible acts committed by sick people. And, I would never outright say someone was falsely accusing, but again, the claims made against 5sos were found to be false or to be committed by other people. If you are not aware of that, I recommend checking reputable stan twitter accounts because (a) they know more than me, (b) they explain it better, and (c) they have proof. If you are a victim, I am so so sorry that that happened to you and I want you to know that you’re insanely strong and just keep your head up! Don’t hesitate to get help if you’re suffering, there are so many resources to help cope, report and all kinds of thing! Also, my DMs are always open

Another PSA: I struggle from depression, anxiety and have lasting effects of a traumatic event so if you are struggling with anything, please seek help. These are horrible things to battle with alone and therapy, psychologist, or a psychiatrist can help you gain the tools to cope healthily and any other tools you may need. Also, my DMs are always open.

This is my first Harry Potter imagine, idk what possessed me to write for a different fandom since my focus has been Stranger Things, but I guess I was going to have to write for the other fandoms eventually, right?

Sorry this is so long, there’s a lot of disclaimers I had to put on this to make myself feel like I am making my blog a safe space for everyone. I didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.

masterlist | taglist | wips | navigation - my gif -

  The war had taken so much from everyone. Taken innocence, taken parents, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives; it seemed that nobody was safe from the path of destruction. Even a year after the war, many were still plagued with mourning people ripped away from them by the clutches of war. Fred Weasley was one of them. They had just started their lives together, finally going through with everything they had talked and planned about during those nights wrapped in each other’s arms as they hid from the Professors and Prefects. Those hopes and dreams for the future were now just empty memories and proof of their love. The book that held every little detail of their planned future laid on your desk in your bedroom - untouched since the last time you had touched it before the war. Everything of yours remained in the place you had set them the last time you had touched them. They were frozen in a happier time filled with love and light, not filled with loneliness and darkness. 

  Fred stirred awake, the familiar feeling of his body being weighted down rushing over him as he blinked his eyes open. His void gaze instantly met the empty side of the bed. It was neatly made, the pillow just faintly smelling of you now. Even a year later, he couldn’t bring himself to lay on that side of the bed - your side of the bed. He had a hard enough time sleeping in the bed at all, not being able to forget the feeling of you wrapped in his arms. Tears burned his eyes as he gazed upon the spot, your laughter echoing in his mind as he remembered all of those mornings he woke up to you just waking up yourself. He’d lean in, nabbing his first kiss of the day and you’d pull away with red cheeks claiming that you hadn’t brushed your teeth yet and he’d claim not to care (which he didn’t) and lean in to pepper kisses all over your face - your laughter bouncing off the walls. He threw the covers off him, trying to fight against the weight trying to keep him down in the bed. Pushing against the invisible force he shuffled into the bathroom to brush his teeth. 

  With ever step he took, every room he entered, came the memory of you. The tune you hummed as you danced from the bedroom to the bathroom, the smell of your shampoo, the smell of your sweet perfume. They lingered through the house like a ghost - a hazy mist trailing behind him everywhere he went. The ball in his throat stung as he tried to swallow it down, blinking away from the tears that welled in his eyes. No matter how many times he experienced them a day since you died, he would never get used to the sting. He’d never get used to the shaking of his hands, the tightness growing in his chest, the racing of his heart, the constricting of his lungs or the vivid image of holding you in his arms, watching the life slip from your body as you took your last breath whenever he heard something that brought him back to that day. 

  He could smell the fresh coffee that his brother had brewed as he drifted into the hall, a shell of the old Fred. George was used to seeing his brother dancing down the hallway with you, large smiled on both your faces and laughter surrounding the entire apartment. Now, since you were gone, Fred didn’t dance, his feet were heavy against the floors, weighing him down. He didn’t joke around with his brother anymore, his brother missed the sound of his laughter and the humorous tone to his voice instead of the broken and heavy one he had now. The second Fred entered the small kitchen, his eyes instantly landed on the yellow mug with the faint lipstick stain still on the rim, the faded red still a slight contrast from the yellow of the mug. You had never been able to get the stain gone, it had driven you crazy that your lip stick had tainted the beautiful mug Fred had gotten you after you guys ran away from Hogwarts as a homage to your house, Hufflepuff. The plants that you had been growing thanks to your love for Herbology were barely alive, George having been trying his best to take care of them since he knew you’d want them to thrive. 

  “Morning, Freddie,” George’s voice was soft as he brought his own mug to his lips, sipping the warm coffee. “Made you some eggs,” He told his brother as he pushed a plate of scrambled eggs towards his moping brother before setting a full cup of coffee in front of him. “How’d you sleep?” He asked him. Fred, not lifting his head from his plate of eggs as he pushed them around with the fork George had laid on the plate. 

  “Fine.” It was a simple word, but it was most of what Fred spoke these days. George hummed, taking another large gulp of his coffee as he let Fred soak in his silence, knowing that if he pushed too hard, he’d revert back and lose all the progress they had made. 

  “Are you feeling ready for your appointment today? Do you want me to come with you? Or mum, maybe Ginny? I can get Lee to cover the shop if you want me to come.” George asked him, setting his coffee cup on the counter, his hands wrapped around the warm mug.

  “I’m fine going on my own.” He muttered, thinking back to his night. He knew that his therapist would ask him about it. It was just like any other night. Sleepless since whenever he closed his eyes, you were all he saw. He knew that if he’d sleep long enough, he could dream of you and it’d be like you never left, but he’d also know that you’d tell him that he’ll be fine without you and he definitely knew he’d never be. You were his. 

  “Please don’t skip out on this one to sit at the bar and drink, Fred,” George pleaded with his brother. Last two appointments, Fred and went on his own and ended up not even showing up. When his therapist George (them having to have gotten a muggle landline for communication) to inform him that Fred had not shown up, he had search everywhere for him. George remembered the blinding fear he had coursing through his blood that day, not knowing where his brother was or if he was okay. His mind had jumped to every possible conclusion, the nagging thought of the worst hanging in the back of his mind. “You need these appointments, they are good for you,” George pleaded. Fred only nodded, not saying anything while he ate. George watched him take a few more bites before his fork clanged against the plate about still half full of eggs. Fred pushed it away, taking one final sip of his coffee. “Right, so your appointment’s at twelve, so why don’t you get an outfit picked out while I head down to the shop - Mum will be here in a few minutes, I reckon.” George suggested. 

  Fred hummed, walking back into his room. Molly had been coming over to monitor when Fred left for his appointments and got back, also to watch the phone incase he skipped over his appointment. She also came daily when George was manning the shop to watch over Fred and take care of him. Sometimes, Fred went down to the shop and sorted products, but that was rare. George popped his head into Fred’s room to see him sitting on the bed. In his hands, he held your favourite shirt of his. He stared down at it while a mismatched outfit laid on the bed beside him. “I’m heading down to the shop, love you.” George announced. 

  “Love you, George.” The sound broke George’s heart. The fear in his brother’s voice every time George left the apartment destroyed him. Fred was terrified of losing someone else and not getting to be there for them, that he can never let them leave his presence without him saying that he loves them. His biggest fear was that you had died not knowing that he still loved you. Everyone says that you knew because you could feel his love for you and he doesn’t want anyone to question if he loved them if he wasn’t there. 

  The second he heard the door close behind George, he let himself crash down on the bed, laying on his side in a fetal position as he held the shirt to his nose. His jaw was sore as he let the tears fall from his eyes, the lump in his throat twisting itself into a bigger lump. His body shook with silent sobs. He couldn’t help but envision you moving through the apartment with this shirt tucked into your pants or tied up. He hadn’t felt himself slip into sleep as he let himself imagine your arms wrapping around him, encasing him in a loving warmth. He was unaware of his mother walking into the apartment as he finally slept with his imagination configuring you there with him. Molly instantly went to his room to check on him when he wasn’t on the couch, she stopped in her tracks as she laid eyes on her sleeping son, curled up. She only saw Fred sleeping in a fetal position clutching a t-shirt, but Fred felt the ghost of you wrapped around him.  

[honeyedlashton]

Tagged by @glossierluke

Tysm for tagging me!! I’m gonna tag as many people as I can think of but it’s really open for anyone. You can say I tagged you I don’t mind: @fuckyeah5sostakemehome @wrappedaroundyourvoodoodoll @i-like-5sos @sugarbabycas @notinthesameguey and anyone else who wants to answer these questions !!!

1. Name/nickname: dumb whore (coined by hemmoangel herself)

2. Gender: I guess girl but I use she/they pronouns now

3. Star sign: scorpio

4. Height: 5’7”

5. Time: 3:21 am

6. Birthday: November 19th

7. Favorite bands: Florence and the machine, 5sos, Paramore, queen.

8. Favorite solo artists: Hayley Williams, Marina, Rico nasty, Banks.

9. Song stuck in my head: “Easy” by Troye Sivan

10. Last movie: Tangled and also Age of Ultron. (It’s been a busy day)

11. Last show: Wandavision (I’m a few episodes behind no spoilers.)

12. When did I make this blog: June 2019

13. What I post: mood boards. I used to write fan fiction once upon a time. I haven’t written a one shot in over a year...oops

14. The last thing I googled: “2 of pentacles tarot meaning”

15. Other blogs: none

16. Do I get asks: rarely. It’s been a while :’)

17. Why I chose this url: I once wrote a one shot where Ashton used honey as lube on Luke—it was my first one so it was terrible and only hemmoangel has read it. And also cause of one of my friend’s Twitter handles is similar and i was feeling uninspired.

18. Following: 51

19. Followers: 488

20. Average hours of sleep: this week it’s been an average of like 7 hours maybe? (I’ve been trying to keep track)

21. Lucky number: I like 3s but I see 4s more often. (The number 205 used to show up on clocks for me, but it hasn’t for years)

22. Instruments: I know how to play “tear drops on my guitar” very slowly on guitar because I started practicing like two weeks ago, and then just stopped for no reason.

23. What am I wearing rn: green shorts, fuzzy socks, and one of my old high school shirts I don’t dare wear in public anymore.

24. Dream trip: Provence, France, or northern Italy. Also Peru. It’s always been a dream of mine to go to Peru.

25. Favorite foods: I could fuck up some pretzels with cheese sauce. And also spaghetti as a main meal cause a bitch is an anemic vegetarian and that shit absorbs iron into your body. (I want some rn)

26. Nationality: American

27. Favorite song: atm it’s “inordinary” by Hayley Williams

28. Last book I read: if fanfictions count then “Starboy” but if not then “mockingjay” cause I’m reliving my childhood. And Lemme tell you, shit still hits—especially after last June, and the last guy who was President. It just really hit a little different with 2020’s insight.

29. Top three fictional universes: twilight. Just a world with vampires and werewolves would be cool. And honestly I know it’s so 2013 of me to say this, but the city of bones universe (not the tv show, the books) that shit is cool asf. And I can’t really think of anything else other than like Star Wars. But I only want like Naboo, Alderaan (rip), Endor, and specifically Anakin and Padme’s entryway area of their apartment on Coruscant..

30. Favorite color: I like red, purple, orange, black, white, and yellow

[calmlftv]

telephone - m.c. (part 1)

w/n: this was supposed to be a cute and soft blurb that turned into 10 pages on google docs, so it’s officially the longest thing i’ve written about 5sos! this part is a bit boring and slow so i apologize. part 2 coming soon! 

word count (part 1): 1.7k

warnings: n/a! 

Ever since the quarantine started, you were bored. Absolutely, totally, and completely bored. Because you took it all so seriously you stayed home as much as possible, and while your home was quite literally squeaky clean, you just couldn’t take the silence anymore; your friends were all still working from home, so while you had all the time in the world to talk, you tried not to bother them too much.

One day, just after dinner, your boredom had once again brought you to your Twitter feed. While it was probably the 4th time you had read through the same tweets, you finally found a new one; something your friend had liked during the day, probably while they were on a break from work. You paused when you read it, really thinking before you opened up iMessage. The tweet contained a phone number, and while you had no idea who this person was, you thought “why not?” and sent that first text.

Hello??, you sent, your boredom truly bringing you to this uncharted territory. Saw this phone number on Twitter, and lockdown is boring. Pls don’t be a serial killer. 

You set your phone down but left the conversation open, biting your lower lip as you stared at the screen. After what felt like forever but was only a few seconds you locked the screen, deciding you were just being weird and getting up to grab a snack for yourself. From the kitchen you heard the ping, your head snapping in that direction as you paused your actions. After a second you put everything down, your curiosity getting the better of you as you wandered back to your room and picked up the phone. 

An emoji appeared on the screen, one of the crying laughing ones, before a new blue bubble appeared below it. Am not a serial killer, the bubble read, causing you to sigh a bit in relief. Just a man who is also bored of lockdown. 

Locking the phone you set it down again, standing and pacing your bedroom as you thought. Could you really take this person's word for it? Could you really trust they weren’t tracking your cell phone right at that moment, just waiting for the right moment to grab you and carve you up for dinner? 

On the other side, however, was the loneliness of lockdown. Could you really go another day without talking to someone? Your friends do what they can, but loneliness has really crept up on you in this quarantine. Letting yourself trust this person was telling the truth wasn’t going to be the worst thing in the world, right?

Without much more thought you picked up your phone again, opening the conversation again and typing out your response. 

I’ve decided to trust you, Mister Stranger. You paused, sending that message before starting a new one. What’s your name, again? Unless you prefer being the handsome Mister Stranger.

You practically threw your phone on to your bed as you waited for the response, now forgetting about the snack you had prepared that was still sitting on the counter. Surprisingly your phone dinged rather quickly, the object being in your hand before you could even think about it. 

Well, you don’t know who I am, so how do you know I’m handsome? 

You bit your lip. Mister Stranger had a point. 

Good point, Mister. Maybe a name and a face, then? 

Another answer within a few seconds: You first.

You took a second to find a really cute photo of yourself and sent it, your name following in a separate speech bubble after it. The response was a smiling photo of the cutest blonde man you’ve ever seen; he had a chocolate Easter bunny in one hand, his blue eyes sparkling while he held it up for the selfie. He looked cute and sleepy all at once, like he had been just about to lie down in a nap. 

A second speech bubble appeared soon after, containing a name and a question. 

Name’s Michael. Michael Clifford. You really don’t have any idea who I am? 

The question was odd, your curiosity peaking again as you responded. 

No idea. Should I know? Are you really a serial killer after all? 

Definitely still not a serial killer, Michael’s response read. Hopefully you were making him laugh. Just a bit strange that you’re texting someone and you have no idea who they are. 

Oh I’ve done much worse with strangers. Almost immediately you blushed, regretting the response right after you had already sent it. 

Oh, she’s saucy. A winky face was added after that. That’s alright, we don’t need to dive into that at all. What have you been up to in this lockdown?

It didn’t take long for you to grow comfortable with this stranger -- Michael -- as you talked, both of you obviously invested in the conversations you were having. If you were honest, you really enjoyed the attention; you know people you care about have lives outside of you, but finally getting the attention you’ve been craving for so long was almost euphoric. So when Michael pointed out what time it was you cursed under your breath. 

Not like it matters anymore, you joked, adding a winking emoji to the text. But I should go to bed. Chat in the morning?

Michael quickly responded with the affirmative, causing you to smile as you said your goodnights. Once you were finished talking you laid in bed for a bit, looking up at the ceiling while your thoughts swirled around in your brain. Eventually you finally caved in to your curiosity, pulling out your laptop and typing Michael’s name into the Google search bar. 

The results were...nothing like you had expected. 

Photos ranged from obvious teenage years to the present day, his face splashed across your screen as you dove in a bit deeper. You got to laugh a bit at his multi-colored hair styles as you scrolled through, reading tabloid titles and gossip pages and even pausing over social media accounts dedicated just to him. It seemed like his band was much more popular than you thought; not that it would have affected the way you spoke to him, of course, it was just surprising that you had never heard of such a popular band. 

Your snooping eventually leads to uncovering his Instagram page, causing you to scroll through different posts and give him a quick follow. With his follower count so high you were sure he wouldn’t notice, so you brazenly snooped and looked at the photos of him. His dogs were adorable, and the photos he had with his girlfriend (?) were precious. Mentally you made a note to ask him about those things in the morning before you turned off your computer. 

Settling in once again you went through the conversation in your head. Usually small things about how you texted would bother you and sometimes other people, but this time nothing seemed to have been standing out; you would double, triple, or quadruple text Michael and he would do the very same with you. Having someone meet that energy was...different, but very much welcomed. 

With these thoughts swirling around your head, you drifted off to sleep, dreaming of puppies and a world without a possibly deadly virus. 

**

Sunlight filtered through your window, the wispy curtains you had hung not doing very much to keep the light from waking you. Slowly you were pulled from your sleep, a small groan escaping you as you reached for your phone. The time read 8:16 a.m., another groan emitting from you as you flung your blankets off of your body. Groggily you dragged yourself into your bathroom, running a hand down your face as you yawned and put your phone on the counter. You reached up and ran a hand through your hair as you checked your notifications, catching up on social media as your phone rested against the sink counter. 

A memory surfaced when you saw your missed texts, your fingers immediately tapping the conversation from last night. You forgot you had updated his contact to be his name, followed by the obvious dog emoji and you couldn’t help but smile. You really thought you were so clever, in the best way possible. 

After giving it much thought -- really, about 2 seconds -- you sent Michael another text. 

Good morning! Hope you have a great day today, x. 

For good measure you added a smile emoji and left it at that, not expecting any sort of answer until much later anyway. You dismissed the app and pulled open your favorite music one instead, playing your favorite playlist as you got into the shower and went about your day. 

Things got quiet again after that. Doing your spring cleaning occupied your thoughts, but on occasion they drifted back to your conversation with Michael; after your good morning text didn’t get a response you had simply given him space, sure he was just a busy guy with other things to do and worry about. Being in a band was tiring, and lockdowns probably didn’t stop everything he had to handle. 

During all your down time you had decided to listen to Michael’s band, going through the entire discography two or three times within the almost two weeks you didn’t hear from him. They really were incredibly talented, you decided, and a handful of them found their way on their daily rotation as you danced around your home. 

One day you were watching the television, just surfing through the different channels while you lounged on the couch. You were about to shove a fitsful of popcorn into your mouth when you came across the broadcast, the California state governor issuing another address about the state of emergency he had issued months ago. You sat up straight and turned the television up as the governor spoke, a smile on his face as he proudly announced the end of the lockdown. 

You immediately jumped up and cheered, knocking the full bowl of popcorn to the ground as you grabbed your phone. Immediately you were texting your group chat with all your friends, planning a killer kickback for the following weekend to celebrate your newfound freedom. Without any hesitation you tapped open the text thread with Michael, your single text from however many days before still sitting there unanswered. You don’t know why but you sent him one more, asking him if he wanted to come to the kickback before you finally noticed the mess on the floor. 

Still giddy you started to clean, this time not resenting the fact that you had to. 

[daerjohn]

enough is enough

I have been pretty silent the past week when it comes to this fandom. But I have seen enough now. So below you will find my opinion on Taylor not doing enough for BLM, Fans attacking eachother and Taylor Nation

I wanna start with the most important toppic which is Taylor and BLM. I have been supporting Taylor for 12 years now, I love her and I respect her. I watched fans judging her for not posting much about the BLM Situation which I understand fully! She should have used her platform much more than she did. So don’t get me wrong I wish she would have done more too. But... I didn’t focus on it. And it’s not like she didn’t say anything. She did. At the beginning, the blackouttuesday (I wasn’t really supportive of it cause I do think that many people just used it as some kind of alibi to be able to say ‘Oh look I am posting this black square, I am doing something good!” Nope. Not enough. However she did post earlier this week. So it’s not like she didn’t say anything. But I know it wasn’t enough, I agree. I have a much smaller platform on twitter, tumblr and instagram but I have been using them since I have a platform. What bothered me though is that many fans really only focused on that?! That I don’t understand. I didn’t waste my time on waiting for her to say something. I just did the best I could, I protested, I spread the word on all my social media and I signed my ass off on all the petitions. I couldn’t donate because I lost my job due to corona, so I am struggling enough with that. But everyday I wake up I get on twitter and check for new petitions to sign and if there is another protest, I am going. Because it’s fucking important. I focused on the actual issues - Police brutality, racism, sexism and Trump! I didn’t wait for Taylor to say something because I shouldn’t. Don’t wait, act on it. Most of you did so it was nice to see that but there were a lot of hate posts about Taylor not doing more, fans fighting about it. It breaks my heart because back in 2012, 13, 14, 15 and 16 this fandom was the best fandom to exist. Now not anymore. Which brings me to the second topic.

Swifties building groups and hurting other Swifties!!!???? WHY? If you are a fan of Taylor’s but are against LGBTQ+ or against other “races” (I hate using this word. We are all humans!!!) sorry to say but if you are against them/us you do not belong here. Please leave my blog and please leave this fandom because Taylor wouldn’t have it either. I just saw a message someone published where one “fan” threatens to destroy another fan. What the HELL?! I mean I get it if someone doesn’t get along with someone thats ok. It’s normal. I know people I don’t get along with but talking about them and threatening them behind their back?! No! I am not here for it. If you don’t like them just don’t interact with them and let them be but do not go and spread things about them that don’t concern you. You are not in that position to do so! Mental health is a serious issue and if you decide to use it against someone you are a horrible human being.

My last topic has nothing to do with the fandom or BLM. This is about TaylorNation. I am very unhappy with a few things not just lately but basicly since reputation. Like I said at the beginning I have been a Swiftie for a very long time and I will always love and support Taylor. But since the RepTour Dates I have been very upset which is also a reason why I am not as active on this blog anymore as I used to be. I feel like world records and money are more important than ever and even more important than the fans? kinda. Let me explain what I mean. I am from Europe and we already don’t have not many chances to see Taylor live. We don’t have the big TV Shows and award shows over here. (Germany) And so my only chances to see her is when she does a Tour and when I saw that she didn’t come to Europe for the Rep Tour I was very upset. She only did UK and I just simply can’t afford to travel there, get a hotel and buy the expensive ass tickets. So my question was ‘Why not Europe?!’ Answer: Stadiums only. For records. I was kinda leaving my TS blog during that time because I was upset and hurt and yeah jealous too. I spent lots of money on CDs, DVDs, Tickets, Merch and streaming websites. And yet I never got the chance to meet her or get like a message or whatnot. Now I know it’s not just me but just gonna say it again, it has been 12 years. Next: Lover Fest, now she did plan on coming to Germany and I did buy a ticket but for a lot of money! When I buy VIP Tickets for 5SOS or Hayley I still pay less money for that than for a simple Taylor ticket. But I love her and she owns my ass still so yeah I bought a ticket. What happens next? Covid-19! (not Taylor’s or tNation’s fault) but I am still waiting for informations about it? Like is it just postponed or is it cancelled??? I don’t know. Cause if it’s cancelled I want my 166€ back! My last point on my agenda is the City of Lover Fest. First stream: Can’t watch cause once again, I am not american. Then they say you can watch it on streaming pages. I got excited cause I already subscribed to Netflix for Rep Tour and Miss Americana. What happens? They don’t put it on Netflix only hulu and Disney+. HOW MANY STREAMING COMPANIES DO YOU WANT ME TO SUBSCRIBE?! THEY ALL COST MONEY!!!! AppleTV for 1989, Netflix for Rep and Miss Americana. So yeah till this day I still haven’t seen it. Because I am not rich enough. Also Merch. Can’t afford it anymore since Reputation era cause WTH?! Way too expensive.

So yeah here you have my statement. I love you all, I love you Taylor. Get off if you are racist or against lgbtq+

Thank you

[5sosbitchfest]

Alrighty, Nonsters.  We currently have 290 Asks in our box!  As much as we might try, I know there is NO WAY we’re going to be able to get through all of them.  Everything exploded this weekend when MessyGate went down!   I don’t want to ignore any asks just because I already answered a similar one.  So, I’ve tried to gather as many similar Asks as possible to let your your voices be heard.  Y’all are definitely NOT alone in your feelings.  Get ready for a lot of opinions on Messy’s Twitter Drama.  

Also, if you sent in an Ask and we haven’t answered it yet, please feel free to resubmit it!  I do try to scroll through all of them but it is a daunting task and personal stuff and work make it difficult for me to get through everything in a timely manner!

********************************

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I’m really disappointed in Luke and this band in general, the way they deal with things. “honest policy” with messy? So he knew all of this and it was okay? Or he confronted her on this and he is okay with what she has done? I’m not sure this whole thing would be a deal breaker for me, but it certainly would make me real mad at my SO and some whiny excuses wouldn’t be enough to make things alright. Radio silence would’ve been much better than that story he posted, made himself look like a fool.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: These girls will sooner or later become their downfall if their management or them does not realise they should rely on other things than bringing relationship up front to sell their music. I find it extremely bad that they are behaving as if nothing happened, I hope there will be changes once touring will be possible again and we won’t see these girls tagging along everywhere or being brought up in interviews all the time but somehow I’m not counting too much on that.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I wonder if Luke knows everything that Messy got exposed for or just the parts Messy wanted to show him. Bc Luke said in his Story that he wasn't online lately so maybe he wasn't on Twitter too and Messy just showed him the parts that make her look good and he still doesn't know that she spoke bad about Ashton or how she stalked the fans also after she knew that they didn't hack his email adress cause he wasn't on Twitter so he couldn't see the screenshots.🤷‍♀️

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm just waiting for the day one of them date someone who isn't a part of their circle. tired of them passing around the same toxic girls.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: These girls are just digging a whole for these guys and they want be able to get out of it soon

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: It was a chicken move for Sierra to do it as a reply and no one has talked on twitter that she deleted it because they probably think her deleting it is saying it wasn’t true

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Am I the only one who thinks that guys really only heavily interact with us when they want to promote something or say something about the music? I do understand they have lives so being on Twitter isn't number one priority and with all the drama that surrounds this fandom its very easy to not want to be online a lot, I just can't help but feel that way

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm talking about this messy situation (no pun intended) with my friend and she said to me that Messy should consider changing her career if she can't handle that not all people are going to like her. (that ofc doesn't include any form of harassment bc that's not cool)

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I really don't know how to feel about the Luke situation. At first I was upset and disappointed of Luke but now I almost pity him bc real or not either the management would want Luke to defend her or Messy. And I think Luke isn't the kind of person who would stand up against the management or Messy (even though it would probably be better for him if he would). And most people don't realise when they're in a toxic relationship so I can't really blame him. I just hope this ends asap.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I literally was so angry and frustrated with Luke and this whole situation yesterday that I couldn’t even look at him on my home screen, I had to change it. It’s really a disappointing thing to witness. Whether management put him up to this or he genuinely believes this toxicity is okay, I’m just very grumpy with him at the moment. He deserves better and WE (the fans) deserve better.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I think Luke really needs to be in a relationship with sb who either isn't famous and doesn't want to be or with someone who is famous bc they have a successful career too and who doesn't need Like to be famous.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I’ve only seen a few accounts on Twitter who are attacking Messy and Crusty to the core and exposing every bad thing they’ve done with receipts for the sossies defending them! I’m happy that karma is finally getting to those con artist who think they can get away with anything

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: that recent lierra picture is photoshoped lmao. if you look at Sierra's hand you can see color coming off from it and her arm looks hella weird.her forehead looks hella weird and look couldn't have taken the picture because I doubt that he could stretch his arm that far and make a perfect picture. also we haven't even seen Sierra's face so I still don't believe they're together

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: The Lemon pic was like a punch in the face (even though Petunia and Luke are looking cute there). But I've been asking myself lately if Luke has seen the whole drama going around on Twitter or just the posts Messy wanted him to know so the ones who make her look like the victim (and not the ones where she insulted Ashton or she made it clear that she stalked his fans). Cause Luke said he hasn't been online lately.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I mean we dont know how much of the story he truly is aware of and how much s changed to fit her narrative and get L to feel bad for her. Plus he was under pressure from management to do damage control and not standing up for his gf is a very bad look for outsiders who dont understand why she's at fault. It was a pretty neutral statement and he was obviously told to make the post so I dont blame him and just blame her more for putting him in the situation in the 1st place

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I wonder how much toxicity happens behind the scenes, we know S is very manipulative and L is very much a people pleaser so.. and with how much they have to sell their "love" and "happiness" in the relationship. Minipulation is a powerful thing and it could explain why hes out of touch with reality, especially lately since he's isolated with her and doesnt have the voices of the band to raise any concerns and he's been getting skinny again and seems very "meh" rather than happy, idk

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I feel so disconnected with this fandom rn. I feel like no one is streaming CALM and that makes me sad bc it's such an amazing album. The boys aren't even online anymore, everyone is mad at each other and now Luke comes up with this shit... tbh I wish I would wake up tomorrow and see him tweeting something like yeah I'm sorry about my ig story I still love y'all lmao

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Wait wait wait wait ive been gone from the fandom for a little while now and what the fuck is going on with Luke and S? What did S do that she made a fake ass apology for?? I’m so lost please help me! 😂

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm seeing a lot of my mutuals unstanning and I'm just so mad bc Sierra started this drama and got Luke into it and I'm sad that people are leaving bc of this, it's just too much toxicity and it shouldn't affect the band and their connection with the fans but with Luke saying this he makes it seem like he supports the ugly things she does

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I am a Luke stan and I've always loved him bc he has inspired me so much through the years but when he does this things it's like...damn. I feel like he's invalidating the fans' feelings by being like "if you don't like my girlfriend, ur fake" like he has never noticed me on Twitter or anything but my biggest fear is to be blocked by him or just ignored bc I don't like her (although I never expressed it publicly) n yeah anyways :// It feels weird

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Going back and re-reading the DM’s messy literally confirms that she accesses Luke’s account by saying “we couldn’t get in” or some shit like that

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I hate being a luke stan, sometimes it just seems like he doesn't care? he always puts these toxic gfs before the ones who adore him and pay his bills. might just move into Cashton's lane. unproblematic kings.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: He literally posted a picture of him cuddling her and petunia within the hour

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: The saddest part of this situation is it’s like a repeat of Arzaylea. Luke has no idea what a respectful, mature relationship is. We saw it with Arz and were seeing it again it’s just a little bit different. He stays being controlled and manipulated by toxic partners. I really think homeboy needs to be single for a WHILE and focus on himself. He needs to unlearn the things his past and current relationships have taught him about love because if I know anything, it’s that this ain’t real love.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Is it bad that I just want the larzaylea drama back?? Like everyone could at least agree on their feelings then...

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Just checked messy’s insta and of course, everyone that still supports her filled her tagged with just the single picture

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I feel like the reason Sierra is getting away with what she’s done is because she isn’t that known. Like yeah she’s associated with 5sos, but they’re also like not that big which is probably why it’s getting swept under the rug. I’ve only seen the 5SOS fandom calling her out for her actions. If this had happened with a well known celebrity, they probably would’ve been dragged and been trending on Twitter. I might be wrong but I feel like this is what’s happening which is just unfair.

[brightokyolights]

I just saw your tags on the "harry was oppressed" post. Might elaborate on that when you are not tired? How Zayn was oppressed? His relationship to ot4. Other celebrities? I love your thoughts!

*cracks knuckles* buckle your seat belts folks we’re in for a wild ride here lmao.

also for context *here* is the post this anon is referring to

I think to start off i should just make a little disclaimer, everything i am going to discuss will be based in my biases probably seeing as I am also a brown British Pakistani person who is Muslim. Zayn has been someone that especially when i was younger I looked up to and was very essential in my journey of learning to love and accept myself and my culture tbh. It’s cheesy as hell but it’s true and i think this is important to know before I go into this more because like I said i am definitely biased towards him. Another thing is that I’m just going to be discussing my personal opinions and also my memory is not very good so i will probably miss out a lot of other things that happened/could be discussed. please dont take this as anything more than just. my opinion.

A thing that really opened my eyes to racism and especially the racism in the 1d fandom was the day that zayn left. I dont think thats what the post above was about btw and ill go into that but i kind of just want to talk about this. The day he left was. a severe mess. Not only because it was obviously upsetting but because of all the bs that people were spouting about a situation that absolutely no one had any context on. the statement that was released on facebook gave us nothing. literally just stated that zayn was leaving the band and the accusations and hatred people were directing towards zayn when we didnt know what actually fucking happened (and still dont might i add) was disgusting. people accusing him of being selfish and how they hated him and why he had to ruin everything. Accusing him of using mental illness as an excuse and lying about it and so much more. i had unfollow more than half of the people i followed that day. it really opened my eyes to the fact that these were all thoughts and opinions people had underneath it all and zayn was fine as long as he was part of 1d and giving people what they wanted. which was essentially being the token in the group and once he wasnt providing that anymore? people turned and people turned fast.

i think its also important to point out the flip side of it and that was zayn stans saying that 1d were nothing without 1d etc. i want to talk about why this was different from ot4 stans hating zayn. of course it wasnt nice to see or hear EVERYONE arguing with each other. i hated it so much. but i think what people failed to realise was that when it comes to situations like this you need to look deeper and think about all the nuances of the situation. zayn stans being happy about zayn leaving the band and saying 1d was going to die i did not agree with. anyone who knew me then and knows me now knows that i am a 1d stan regardless (preferably ot5 but i supported 1d until the end even as a 4some) BUT these opinions were rooted in his mistreatment in the band and the racism he was having to face as a result of being in the band etc etc i apologise for not being a person who can better describe and explain this situation but hopefully you are getting the picture. when fans were hating on zayn. with no context with nothing. that was based on racism. point blank. the amount of tweets FROM 1D FANS talking about how he was leaving to join isis and how upset fans were gonna be vulnerable and join etc etc all this deplorable bs. and he had to deal with comments like that throughout his whole time with one direction and i imagine even now. 

Another thing id like to talk about is who zayn stans at least from my point of view usually were. For me i remember when i first got into the fandom i actively made the decision that i didnt want zayn to be my favourite because i didnt want to be a stereotype and this was a point in my life when i still tried to shun and push my culture down because i was ashamed of it. it was only as i slowly saw that zayn was considered as cool and hot and everyone else liked him that i kind of understood that maybe. being brown was alright and it was something cool and that maybe i was cool. it sounds fucked up and honestly i dont even know if i want to be admitting this so adamantly but argh if it helps someone understand then maybe its worth it. (mortifying ordeal of being known eh?) anyways i noticed as i engaged more in fandom and looked for more diversity, more fans like me, majority of non white fans were also... zayn stans. and honestly it makes sense because we all tended to flock towards the closest diversity we could find it seems. im not saying that there werent white zayn stans and that the other boys didnt have non white stans but i just wanted to point out this trend. so when you also take this into account and the fact that on the day zayn left it was majorly... white stans who were criticizing zayn it puts it in perspective for you. majority of fans who still like and support zayn are also not white.

there is a lot more to do with fans but hopefully thats enough of an insight and you can understand the kind of vibes that were present during 1ds prime and what not only zayn had to go through but also as a result the racism we ended up having to deal with as well tbh.

now!!!... something i dont really like talking about lol so this will probably be short but the other boys. so as far as i can remember liams always been kind to zayn since hes left (no surprise there <3 also please correct me if im wrong), niall was kind of indifferent/didnt say anything really, and then there was louis and harry *awkward smile*. hahaha. from my memory i remember when asked about what the most difficult thing was about zayn leaving harry said ‘the paperwork’ which was *awkward smile* and he also kicked that monkey mask/pinata? i cant remember with naughty boys face on it and honestly im sure theres more but his overall reaction to zayn leaving was kind of not caring and maybe being slightly nasty which :) with louis there was the massive twitter fight which literally tears my soul in half so lets not go into that haha and honestly other things where it maybe seemed like he was upset with zayn leaving as well. honestly i am a bit in two minds about these reactions because at the end of the day we dont know what occurred behind the scenes and we probably never will as much as we can speculate or whatever. not to mention that this 10th anniversary it seems maybe everyones on good terms which, who knows really im going to try be optimistic. i think whats important to note about heir reactions is that we dont know anything about their situations but the problem was really how fans reacted tbh (btw i forgot to mention earlier this is about basically everything except for harry and the nb thing. that is inexcusable). the boys reactions were understandable but the problem is that fans of course vicariously are influenced by the boy they stan so when one of them acted a certain way of course that ended up reflecting in fandom and resulted in more racism etc. 

another thing with zayn was that there were many files leaked with like promo or whatever basically describing what kind of role the boys would take on/ their image etc. and of course all the other boys got things like bubbly/funny/charming etc and zayns descriptors? moody, mysterious, dark horse etc etc like from the inception of 1d zayn has been victim to racist stereotypes being pushed on him. and i think this is where harry comes in because of course the image pushed onto him was also extremely harmful and i definitely dont think we should not talk about that but often you'll see that... thats all that is talked about because people are uncomfortable admitting racism and talking about it. 

When i mentioned other celebrities my point was basically just that while ive only talked about zayn in one direction this... is so present among any and every fandom. 5sos, Little Mix, Fifth Harmony... any fandom you can think of, i promise you it is there. racism in fandom is a real thing and a big problem and honestly this is why i always say representation is so important. and when i say that i mean everywhere!!! because if I didnt seek out non white fans to follow then maybe i would’ve had a completely different perspective on all of this.

The thing is also that a lot of this is just stuff that we’ve been able to get our hands on and also fan analysis and theories etc. there is probably so much more to talk bout or go into or stuff we’ll never even know about. I’ve kind of had to make peace with the fact that with celebrities you just really don’t actually know anything about them.

I think i’ll end this here if there’s any more questions you have about anything feel free to ask! and again this is all just my opinion  but hopefully i’ve been able to help answer you <3 have a nice day and i hope youre hydrated!!!

[sierratheory]

The main reason I got Twitter was to interact with the boys and there’s literally no fucking point anymore. Cal and Ashton barely come on and Luke and Michael only come to defend their gfs from “hate”. They might stay away because of fans’ weird, obsessive behaviors, but it’s because of their inconsistency that people are constantly tweeting at them and begging for follows cause they’re nostalgic for that time when tweeting the band meant you’d get a response 1/?

A lot of this is the boys’ fault. If they took the time of day to interact with the people who got them to the level of fame they have nowadays, stans wouldn’t be kissing up to Crystal and Sierra and fans wouldn’t complaining about the asskissers or feeling like they have to support the gfs or else they’ll lose the mutuals they’ve made. Which is the suckish part. Tl;dr: If 5SOS spent more time interacting with fans, then they wouldn’t have to do so much damage control 2/2

I think you've said it all perfectly anon, and you're not wrong at all tbfh. The way I see it, is that the fans have been more than patient and understanding throughout year after year of drama and controversy. We've tried waiting it out, and we've tried defending them, and we've tried voicing our concerns and frustrations. But what more is there to really do, except draw the line? At some point, you just have to admit to yourself that you're not being valued as a fan, and for fans like myself who've been here since the early days - that stings.

There's no real way to sugarcoat things, it is what it is. I'll probably still give this album at least one listen through, but I don't see myself spending any money on them, and I'd honestly prefer to just pirate the content if it's worth listening to. I don't even want to give them so much as a single stream on Spotify, that's how spent I am. My time and energy is probably better served elsewhere, focusing on artists who don't have drama and who do care about their fans.

[rosesfromcth]

The Middle/LRH/Ch.1

Sophie POV

I don't know why I came to the meet and greet. I bought the wristbands the second they were available six months ago. A bunch of my friends also bought wristbands. We thought it would be fun, we all liked 5 seconds of summer, we enjoyed listening to their music while getting ready to go out or when driving in the car. We requested their songs at clubs, but we'd never seen them live, I don't think any of us owned merchandise. I had been excited about coming and meeting 5SOS.

But the closer it got, the more anxious I became. I could barely pay attention to what my friends where saying, I was nodding along and smiling. I knew that much.

This morning started out well. Everyone got together to get ready this morning. We turned on Sounds Good Feels Good. By the time I had finished getting ready, I was a wreck. What if the pictures didn't turnout? I never look good in pictures. What if I said something weird and looked stupid? I always say something weird. I knew my makeup could've been a lot better and although I chose to wear one of my more flattering outfits, I still felt uncomfortable in my skin, this wasn't an uncommon theme in my life.

My friends knew something was off with me, so they had been blasting the music and cracking jokes all day in order to help me relax.

And now, I am here. I am standing in line and I can catch glimpses of the band every once and while. I listen to my friends talking and try to think of interesting things I can say when it's my turn.

One thing is for sure: I don't stand out.

Anything I say will either be embarrassing or boring, but it won't be remembered by the band. Which is nice, because at least I won't be remembered for some strange comment I make.

Mia, my best friend nudges me. I look at her, she's about the same height as me. With Mia's silky smooth white-blonde locks and stunning green eyes, you know she'd be someone easily remembered.

"Are you okay? You look worried." Mia quietly says. She has a smile on her face but you can tell she's concerned. She knows about my anxiety and my constant self-doubting issues. "You're being really quiet."

"Yeah, I'm okay." I tell her. She shoots me a concerned look, again. I nod my head in efforts to reassure her. I take a deep breath. I am going to be fine. I just need to relax and let loose. I should be enjoying this, it's an amazing experience with my best friends.

Tori and Cherry are laughing about something. I'm not sure what but I know I'll find out.

——————————

We are almost at the front of the line now, it'll be our turn any minute now. We are getting antsy now as we wait.

"Oh my gosh, how should we pose for the picture?" Cherry exclaims.

I remember reading in a magazine articles how meet and greets are hard on the celebrities because they often have to pick up their fans or so really strange poses. It's like they are mannequins, and other people are moving their bodies for them. It's really uncomfortable. I can only imagine how anxious I would feel going through this.

"Let's just stand in a line, or do the sorority squat" I suggest. Everyone nods in agreement. Mia grins.

"Next!" A security guard calls. "You girls are up." He ushers us in to the room with the band.

We are in the same room as 5 freaking Seconds of Summer. The same room as Ashton Irwin. Calum Hood. Luke Hemmings. And Michael Clifford. Holy Guacamole. They are smiling at us. I know I'm not the only speechless one. But the others regain their abilities to talk almost instantly.

Tori and Cherry go first, saying hi to each of the boys, with Mia and I closely behind.

Okay, here we go.

Michael is the first one. And suddenly, I'm out of words.

"Hi, you're... Michael, you're Michael. Hi, um, hi. Yeah, hi." I blurt.

Oh my god. I'm a blubbering idiot.

"Hi Michael. I'm Sophie. It's nice to meet you, I'm going to shut up now." I say quickly.

Michael laughs. "Hi Sophie, it's nice to meet you. Don't be nervous, that was better than most people's first reaction to meeting us."

He hugs me and I move next to Ashton and Calum. It's goes relatively well. Until I get to Luke. I wouldn't call myself a fan girl or anything. But I've always had a soft spot for Luke Hemmings.

I approach Luke slowly and I stand there for a second before he smiles at me.

"Hello, I'm Sophie, what's your name?" I smile. And then I realize my mistake. I feel my cheeks heat up and I'm sure they are as red as Ashton’s freshly dyed red hair. My smile drops from my face and I can't feel my legs anymore.

Michael who has now moved over towards and he bursts out laughing. I see Mia out of the corner of my eyes giggle alongside of Michael. Then I notice Tori joining them and soon so has everyone else. Including Luke. It takes everything in me not to turn around and run away.

Ashton must notice my discomfort because he promptly stops laughing. Or he tries to at least. Luke quickly follows his bandmates lead.

Luke then looks at me again. "Hi, Sophie. It's nice to meet you. I am Luke and I would like to thank you for making my day. Will you take a picture with me?"

I slowly nod. I pull out my phone and hand it to Tori as I move next to Luke. Luke wraps both arms around me and grins. Tori takes a few pictures and then presses his lips to my cheek. I feel my face flush pink, and then turn to look at Luke. Luke is still looking at me. Tori takes one last picture and then clears her throat. She holds my phone out towards me, which I grab.

"Thanks." I mumble to Luke as I untangle myself from his arms. The rest of the band and my friends are standing close by and chatting. I hear Cherry asking about a new album and possibilities of another tour.

The security guard that walked us in comes over and stands next to Ashton. He whispers something in Ashton's ear. Ashton turns to the a woman in the back of the room and announces that we should take the pictures. We all align ourself in with our arms around each other. I position between Michael and Calum. Mia is on the other side of Michael and Tori stands on the other side of Calum. Luke and Cherry are next to Tori. The woman looks over the group, and then she points at me.

"You." She demands. "Switch with the red head."

I meekly move over so I'm on the end, next to Luke. Cherry takes my place. The woman gives us a smile and then asks if there's another pose we'd like to do.

"Sorority squat?" Tori ask. We all nod our heads. The boys look a bit confused so Tori explains to them. "Sorority girls have this one pose that they always use in pictures. Where half of them are squatting in front of the second half."

"Ooh. I want to sorority squat." Michael says. The other boys look at him. "C'mon, we can pretend to be sorority girls like Miley Cyrus in So Undercover. Luke, you love that movie."

Luke turns bright red. It's his turn to be embarrassed. I snort. My friends let out a laugh along with me.

The boys agree to Michael's request and form a line and then squat as we fill in behind them. Keep in mind, these are tall boys, so we have to stand on our tiptoes. We each place a hand on the shoulder of the boys below us.

After a few pictures like this, we switch so it's my friends and I in front with the band behind us.  And then, our time is up.

The woman hands us our phones back as the security guard walks us to the door. We are just leaving the exit from the room when Michael jogs over.

"Hey, what are your twitter usernames? We like to follow fans when we get a chance." Michael hands Mia a pad of paper and a pen.

"That would be great. Thanks, we would really appreciate that." Mia speaks up. She grabs the paper and writes down hers and the paper circles through us until Cherry hands it back. We say goodbye once more and then head out the door.

What a rush.

————————

@michael5sos is now following you.

@ashton5sos is now following you.

@calum5sos is now following you

@luke5sos is now following you

[bestfriends-0212]

Forgive me (Ashton Irwin imagine)

I feel like this is a dumb request but thats ok. Can u write an imagine where the reader is in a girl group (like little mix) and the reader and ashton had been together for like 3ish years and break up bc they cant see each other often and end of good terms and it spreads like wildfire (thru the news) and they run into each other and talk about things (you can decide) pleaseeee and thank you!!

Y/n POV

I was in my dressing room getting for my show with my band it was the last night of the tour. I was pumped it meant I could spend time with Ashton before his tour started. The day after tomorrow was our third anniversary together I had planned to cook him his favorite dinner and give him an autographed of Green Day on his favorite album. As I was putting on the last few touches of my make up my phone started singing Ashton ringtone.

With a smile on my face, I answered “ hey baby”

“ hi love how are you doing ?”

“ I’m great how about you? “

“ I’m okay do you got a minute to talk ? “

“of course babe what’s up? “

I heard him sigh and I could tell it was something major . “ what’s going ash are you okay? “

“ I’m not happy anymore, we barely see each other and our interactions have been through phone only lately. “ something in me broke but I understood where he was coming from. I couldn’t help but agree our relationship has been online lately no physical interactions at all.

“ okay are you saying we should break up ?”

“ I think we need a break from all of this! “ I didn’t like the idea but I agree.

“ okay that’s fine I wish you well Ashton I love you “

“ I love you too and I wish you the best if you need anything I’m here for you. We are still best friends “

“ um do we break the news now or later? Also, do you want to come by tomorrow to get your stuff? “ I felt my eyes watering I tried to blink them away but it just made them come down faster.

“ I’ll let you know “

“ I have to go, “ I said hanging up not evening bothering hearing him say bye. I could hold the heartbreak no longer as I fell to the floor in a disheveled heap as the grief poured out in a flood of uncontrollable tears. I heard knocking coming from the doorway

“ are you ready we go on in 10 “ said our manager “ almost give me 5” I mumbled hoping she wouldn’t hear the pain in my voice. I clean my face up and redid my makeup. Once I looked presentable I went outside everybody looked pumped. I had to match their energy or else they would know something is wrong. “Y’all ready to rock our last show for the year ?” I said trying to sound excited everybody screamed yes or wooo. We got into our circle and said what we were thankful for, I said I was thankful for the band and everybody who worked hard for this tour to come out so awesome. The concert went by so fast, once it was over I went back to my dressing room and packed everything. I went straight to the tour bus and went to my bunk bed. As I was laying there my phone started to vibrate, I picked it up to see my Twitter was blowing up. I clicked on one of the tweets and it asked if it was true that Ashton and I broke up. I guess he told them already, I sighed as my phone kept vibrating the notification of Ashton calling just broke me. I started to cry as the realization of us breaking up was real and it wasn't in my head.

It’s been a year since the last time I saw Ashton. I wish I could say I don’t miss him but that’ll be a huge lie. I miss him so much, after the break up we rarely saw each other. Eventually, we just stopped talking. The rest of 5sos kept in touch, they told me he hasn’t been the same since the breakup and has gone back to his old ways. I started writing songs about my feelings but they were only for me and only me. Over the months I started to isolate myself from everyone, the fans, the band, and even my family. I just couldn’t keep up with the questions

“how are you ?”

“Why did you guys break up, Y'all looked happy? “

“did one of you cheat ?”

Like all these questions were annoying and none of their business. The band was out tonight in some club having fun and here I am in my living room having a pity party and what if’s. What if we were still together? We would be cuddled up on the couch watching Harry Potter and eating Chinese food. I sighed as I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognize the girl looking back at me. I took a hot shower and grabbed some clothes. I looked in the mirror again and notice I’m starting to go back to my old ways before I met Ashton, wearing all black, isolating myself, and not taking care of myself. I grabbed my phone and my purse deciding to go to the cafe near my apartment. I ordered a hot chocolate and sat by the next to the window. After a while, the sweet waitress brought me my drink I continued to look out the window and wonder about the times Ashton and I had together. I sighed as I grabbed my phone, was I really going to call him after a year? A cough interrupted my thoughts I looked up to see him looking so broken. It broke my heart seeing him like that.

“ can I sit here?” He whispered I nodded not trusting my voice, it seems like the universe was trying to tell me something . He sat right in front of me we both just stared at each other like if we were just soaking up every details of our bodies .

“ I was going to call you just right now “ I barely whispered showing him the phone where I had his name up .

“ why didn’t you ?” He asked hurt

“ I was terrified that you wouldn’t pick up , terrified that you would just tell me to leave you alone and I was scared some girl would answer your phone asking me who I was. “ I replied shakily he sighed

“ I would have picked up “ he spoke quickly

“Would you really ?”

He nodded. I sighed.

“ was the rumors true did you cheat ? “

He took a deep breath and looked out the window .

“ ash is it true ?”

It felt like time has stopped and neither of us could breathe properly. He kept avoiding my eyes .

“ I did cheat on you”

My eyes started to tear up .

“ wow” I breathed out my hands started to shake. “Why? When? Do I know her ?”

“We can’t do this here Y/N let’s go back to your place .”

I nodded I paid for the drink and gave her a tip for being so sweet. We walked back in silence once we reached my apartment we sat down from across each other looking into each other eyes I don’t know what my eyes were telling him but his were telling me that he was in pain.

“ Her name is Hanna she was a fan, it was when we were fighting all the time and she told me some sweet things that I wanted to hear and bam it happened. It never meant anything to me .”

I looked at him with disbelief

“HOW DARE YOU SAY IT DIDNT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU , DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT TO THAT GIRL,THAT WAS EVERYTHING FOR HER SHE SLEPT WITH HER IDOL HER FUCKING CRUSH.” I shout with anger

“I still love you, after all this time I still love you y/n” he whispered

“You can’t just tell me you cheated and then tell me you love me Ashton this isn’t how this work” I whispered back with tears coming down my face.

He inches closer grabbing my hand and pulling me into a hug. I tried to get out of the hug but couldn’t I just let myself fall into his arms. After that it seem was a while we finally pulled away.

”i missed you so much ” he gushed out

” I missed you too ash ”

” can we start over? Or we can resume from where we left off ?” He questioned

“ Ashton as much as I love you I can’t go back to you knowing that you cheated and it took you so long to tell me about it. You don’t keep secrets from the people you love even if it hurts them.”

“Please y/n. I love you. I need you in my life “

“You should have thought about that before you cheated ash “

He got down on his knees

“Ashton please get up don’t make this worse please don’t I hate seeing you hurting. It hurts me too just please get up.”

“Y/n I’m begging you! Please I love you so much. “ he cried

I was trying to be strong but I couldn’t help myself dropping to the floor pulling him into a hug sobbing. As much as i wanted to say I wouldn’t take him back I still did cause he brought out the best out of me.

A/n: I hope you enjoyed it, sorry it took so long - K&J