#i really hate feelings becasue i always think im wrong for having them.

[yongseungkim]

.

[burstfoot]

Arknights, 2 and 13

2 because i'm curious

13 because of the ask i got :)

Thank you for the prompts annie!!! 2. Oh jeez to pick from three??? To pick from three??? I guess if I had to pick (and this isnt from most to least fav just an arbitrary order) Goldenglow is one of my all time favourites, I love her design sooo much its so cute I stockpiled emotes and used her as an icon even before I actually started playing the game, and then when I actually got to Light Sparks in Darkness I was glued to the event the whole time... her story about trying to give the Infected and poor of Caladon dignity and having such a simple dream crushed by the greed of the rich in the area hit really close to home... I don't think people talk about the scene where Haze talks her down from committing suicide enough, that scene is REALLY good and one of the standout moments in Arknights for me. Also s3 carries me through every boss thank u susie <3

I probably have to choose between Silence and Ptilopsis cuz they're so intertwined so it would be sort of pointless to just do both of them for 2 and 3. I'll go with Silence cuz she has way more screentime even though I do love Joyce a whole whole bunch Unlike GG I had 0 clue about her before I started playing and sort of experienced her story out of order, I read Dorothy's Vision and was like "yeah she's cool :)" and then didn't think about her that much and then I finally got convinced into reading the manwha and it transformed my mind forever... the complexity of her story and relationship with Ifrit and Saria and Rhine Lab, how selfless & passionate she is to make up for the things she did wrong... ;-; < 3333. The underdog story of all of these great minds in columbia being unfolded by a tired, dedicated 5 nothing owl mom is so good. I also really love her design and Nori might be my favourite AK artist so every piece of art he does of her I love seeing. (also i really like guardians of gahoole as a kid so im obssessed with owls)

^ the bubo bubo For my third I could go with like, Specter or Muelsyse or Flametail or any other character within my favs who actually has lore to base my love upon them on but I wont. Pudding

Pudding :) Shes so cute. Let me get straight to the point. I have seal 13. I don't want to be too negative on my account hashtag peace and love... BUT... Related to earlier mentions... I kind of can't get behind Redblade/GG anymore. It's not necessarily that I hate the idea of them together, but it feels like "red miraculously showing up to save GG from problems" is pretty much the weakest storytelling aspect of Light Sparks in Darkness that exists just to move the plot along and as a whole the pairing almost always feels like it severely downplays the depths of her character in favor of STRONG MAN protect CUTE GIRL. It's a very stereotypical M/F pairing I'm much more interested in her relationship with Quercus or Haze, both of who have seen Susie at her lowest points and reached out to support her, as opposed to Red who pretty much just like. is nice to her and saves her from goons Also every single male doc / female operator pairing kinda grosses me out, it's pandering that reduces the characters to one note caricatures of themselves. If you read doc as male all of his actual in-universe relationships are made less interesting by being romantic or you are inventing a sex god chad that does not exist to magically seduce operators that do not interact with him in the story. I was going to call it self-insert garbage but the male!doc/female operator fan content i have seen is an insult to self-insert garbage.

[I don't hate m/f pairings btw mr nothing kroos nation. Men getting pegged. Mountain and domma and/or robin is cute too]

P.S. I like wracked my brain to find a yuri pairing i didnt like becasue i dont think being like. straight people are NOT COOL is going to be controversial at all on tumblr dot gov but i legitimately could not think of a popular one that i couldn't at least slightly get behind. even the worst yuri mischaracterization is fine to me ive seen the horrors of gachabro fancomics

[givemetherapyimawritingtravesty]

rank the fob and mcr albums or i'll smash your kneecaps

Love you too bestie <3

I had to drag out my laptop to type all this but they are under the cut...

MCR

Three Cheers is my fav ever, thanks for the venom is my all time favorite it is never not playing in my head, I have the 3cheers shirt and everything. also ykwtdtgluip is another fav and helena just... i cry. and headband. it is a solid album start to finish.

Then I'd also have to do bullets because drowning lessons? sunsets? did i metion drowning lessons? A fav that has got me through some SHIT.

Black Parade is iconic and bangers front to back I am still spiralling cancer disenchanted I DON'T LOVE YOU (and it's GORGEOUS video). And blakc parade. My first karaoke song ever, sang it for my first acting class bit and put on eyeliner while doing it... I was a legend that day.

Danger Days. My love. The whole concept here though a wildly different color vibe from others was so good. My old discord name was dstroya after the song. It really ties with TBP if im being honest and again bangers cover to cover, s/c/a/r/e/c/r/o/w and bulletproof heart and nananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana and need i go on, you get the point. (edited)

now, FOB. FOB is my baby and everything they do slaps and i like being kept on my toes for the vibes.

From under the cork tree is my #1 always, i have a tattoo based on olmuctnotsswwgs it is my ALL TIME fave song ever. the first album of theirs i ever owned. Nobody puts baby in the corner and sophmore slump are some favs and of couse sugar. I mean, com on.

Next I'd probably ( god I hate ranking my CHILDREN) Folie a duex. So many good ones, some Urie vocals. Coffee, idc, nosebleed, america's sweethearts, DONNIE my baby... need i say more?

3) take this to your grave. I will be buried with this album solely for it's title but also Dead on Arrival is my fav banger here, saturday, grand theft, reinventing... I like their early sound and the unhingedness of these songs

then I'd have to say... shit. um. Save rock and roll and AB/AP are a tie, these two bleed together for me and idk why but Centuries reignited my obsession with them and there are too many bangers here between the two: jet pack blues, alone together, young volcanos, ELTON FREAKIN JOHN, and sue me i think demi in irresistible was so good. I like the version with her and i will not apologize for that. Both albums bop equally hard for me.

Hot take. I hate putting it so low but I do love MANIA. Some of the songs i could take or leave but the others I am living for (because of), wilson is easily my top on this album, church, young and menace (ha, me), the begining of stay frosty when it just hits. Actually, looking at the track list again, i like more songs than I dislike here. My initial reaction to the more mainstream sound clouded my judgment at first and i didn't like the album, but everytime i listen to it I find new songs i like.

Now. Infinity is also full of bangers. Im like a lawyer (WERE THE NEW FACE OF FAILURE), hum halleluiah, bang the goldrums, ginasfs, and all the iconics that are on this album.

I know this is a ranked list but really they all tie for first and second place, I have my most faves and then the slightly lesser faves becasue my mans pete wentz and his crew can do no wrong. **I didn't rank Stardust because, well, but i alraedy know i am going to live for it. i love everything they do, I don't dislike any of thier songs, though some of the mainstreamers do rub me the wrong way if im in a bad mood because im sad they were a bit overplayed. Except for sugar, that one never is unwelcomed.

THE ROAD OUTSIDE MY HOUSE IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS... SO HUM HALLIELUA, JUST OFF THE KEY OF REASON (sorry i am JAMMING right now)

Also, some fun immages I feel you would appreciate

FOB is my baby and everything they do slaps and i like being kept on my toes for the vibes.

From under the cork tree is my #1 always, i have a tattoo based on olmuctnotsswwgs it is my ALL TIME fave song ever. the first album of theirs i ever owned. Nobody puts baby in the corner and sophmore slump are some favs and of couse sugar. I mean, com on.

Next I'd probably ( god I hate ranking my CHILDREN) Folie a duex. So many good ones, some Urie vocals. Coffee, idc, nosebleed, america's sweethearts, DONNIE my baby… need i say more?

3) take this to your grave. I will be burried with this album solely for it's title but also Dead on Arrival is my fav banger here, saturday, grand theft, reinventing… I like their early sound and the unhingedness of these songs

then I'd have to say… shit. um. Save rock and roll and AB/AP are a tie, these two bleed together for me and idk why but Centuries reignited my obsession with them and there are too many bangers here between the two: jet pack blues, alone together, young volcanos, ELTON FREAKIN JOHN, and sue me i think demi in irrisitable was so good. I like the version with her and i will not apologize for that. Both albums bop equally hard for me.

Hot take. I hate putting it so low but I do love MANIA. Some of the songs i could take or leave but the others I am living for (because of), wilson is easily my top on this album, church, young and menace (ha, me), the begining of stay frosty when it just hits. Actually, looking at the track list again, i like more songs than I dislike here. My initial reaction to the more mainstream sound clouded my judgment at first and i didn't like the album, but everytime i listen to it I find new songs i like.

[8:09 PM]

Now. Infinity is also full of bangers. Im like a lawyer (WERE THE NEW FACE OF FAILURE), hum halleluiah, bang the goldrums, ginasfs, and all the iconics that are on this album.

I know this is a ranked list but really they all tie for first and second place, I have my most faves and then the slightly lesser faves becasue my mans pete wents and his crew can do no wrong. **I didn't rank Stardust because, well, but i alraedy know i am going to live for it. i love everything they do, I don't dislike any of thier songs, though some of the mainstreamers do rub me the wrong way if im in a bad mood because im sad they were a bit overplayed. Except for sugar, that one never is unwelcomed.

THE ROAD OUTSIDE MY HOUSE IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS… SO HUM HALLIELUA, JUST OFF THE KEY OF REASON (sorry i am JAMMING right now)

also, some images i know you'll appreciate...

[imjustcoping]

21/10/22

i get the feeling my best friend doesn't believe in non binary.  A while ago she said that she didn't believe it was a a thing.  she literally called it a phase because she didn't know any adult that were non binary who used they/them in their pronouns.  Which i find silly because she is a pansexual girl who should understand the stigma that gay people faced and still face.  After years of being told that being gay isn't real and that its just a phase and she says that.  and she doesn't really view trans people as people- she says its because her dad is a doctor and he finds it really difficult to diagnose trans patients when he doenst know what they are.  Its so fucking stupid he could legit just ask if they were afab or amab but it should already be in their medical history.  i fucking hate it.  I also sent before and after picture of me wearing a binder and i was so happy.  In the GC T congratulated me and gave me a shit ton of affirmations and it made me feel so genuinely good.  but S just ignored it.  I know we are drifting apart and i know its my fault because this always happens.  after 5 years they go, they just disappear into the mist, a new school, new friends, or im too much

And last night i was doing an assignment on 2 separate books.  Aftter i finished the first one i went on tiktok and of course a bunch of relatable autism stuff starts coming up and a vid about the raads-r test comes up.  so i do teh test and  get high scores and i do a bunch more of those tests and keep getting high scores in them.. In my 3am haze i sent the quiz to my family gc because im almost positive that my dad has autism.  But he had a partially open discussion about it with me the next morning, to  be continued for when i wasnt late for school.  when i finally gathered up the courage to tell my bsf from before that day that i scored high in these autism tests and i was kind of excited to maybe understand why im like this, because ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  ad autism can often be misdiagnosed for those two mental illnesses if you have been kind of traumatized as an autistic person. She told me that it probably isnt it.  She old me that sh doesn't trust those autism tests and that i shouldnt just self diagnose and that the depression and anxiety is whats making me think that.  It felt liek shit.  becsue tehre is a lot of evidence towards me being autistic, alongside the teste there s also a bunch of symptoms and there is a link between autism and asexuality(im asexual) where in a population of people there is about 1% asexuals but in the autistic populations they were far more likely to be asexual or feel disgusted toward sexual penetration.  

I know that i cant just self diagnose but im trying to figure out whats wrong with me and its not like im about to go around telling everyone im autistic becasue ive self diagnosed my depression and anxiety for years and have only told like three people, and even now that ive been diagnosed i haven't told anyone else.  Im not doing this because its trendy, the trend has just made me aware of how many autistic traits i carry around with me.  i was just finally happy that maybe im getting somewhere with figuring out my mental health.

I think im gonna tell my other friend from that group chat.  she is so supportive and has suspicions that she is autisic too. So im going to send her a message, with a forewarning.  I just want to talk to someone who is actually going to listen about what i have to say before throwing her opinion in.  And the pure confusion i have relation to my inability to express and know what emotions im feeling, she knows i have trouble with expressing my emotions and talking about how i feel but she doesnt seem to realise the impact on me

The dumb part about my friend telling me not to self diagnose is that she has been telling EVERYONE that she has ADHD for 2 years, she even told us in a group convo when she was accusing someone else of being a pick me for pretending to have adhd, someone pointed oout to my frined that she kind of mentioned having adhd a lot aswell and my friend tells everyone that her therapist diagnosed her.  she lied to us and Up until now she didnt say she didnt have adhd until shes trying to prove me wrong.  She basically said that she cant say she has adhd just because she gets easily distracted.  

I had fully supported her, when she claimed she had adhd, i believed her and did my won research, sending her videos which are supposed to help learning in a nuerotypical classroom easier.  and all she does is tell me that those tests arent reliable.  AT LEAST I ACTUALLY TOOK SOME TESTS INSTEAD OF PROPERLY SELF DIAGNOSING FOR YEARS AND BRAGGING ABOUT ADHD AND USING IT AS AN EXCUSE TO INTERRUPT AND IGNORE PEOPLE.AND T

[krazykatrina21]

26

it happened. im officially closer to 30 than i am to 20. wow that’s a hard pill to swallow. what a brutal way to get older and honestly what do i have to show for it? I feel like i am being awfully pessimistic while i write this because i really do have a beautiful life and i am surrounded by people that love me so much. and i am happy? right? why is it such a trivial thing - birthdays or why have i made them so trivial - am i just dramatic or is there something simply wrong with me? i guess ill never know - maybe i hate my brithday becasue people make it out to be such a big deal and i am afraid of being dissapointed like i am used to? because its the one day where i cant control things and even if i try to or try to set expectaions im too afraid of failing that i cant enjoy the moment? this year i am surrounded by so many people who love me and the ability to have such a great birthday i mean its not even midnight and i am already getting phone calls and text messages from people - including my dad who just stayed up to wosh me a happy brithday maybe the pesanist n me is thnking what about the years that he wont call or the years that he wont be there why cant i just enjoy the moment where he is and will be? why cant i just be happy why does my brain just feel the need to destpry my mentality and just tear me down to my ultimate core each birthday/? why does it cause me to reassess wveything wrong that has ever happened to me rather than everything good? why cnat i just be fucking happy to be alive? is it becasue i knwo that everything means nothig and we have such a finate time on earth and i put this pressure onti myself to always surpass any goal of mine that i can never tulry live in the moment? boy did i think that las year was my mid life crisis i think it has just begin. matt came over and made me dinner anf flowers and im meeting his parents tomorrow i was happy but honetsly i dont know naymore - well on that note - happy birthday to me i guess

[sortavibing]

what the haikyuu!! boys/girls favorite songs/bands are📼

hello! this is my first post so i hope im doing it right :P anyways enjoy!

karasuno💾

daichi: Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey. he’s such a typical dad holy shit so yeah he 100% listens to this i don’t know what else to say like- 🤠 yeah he probably sings it in his minivan (you cannot convince me that he doesn’t drive a minivan)

sugawara: WAP by Cardi B. yes we stan this bad bitch. he LOVES this song like he can do the dance and everything and he pulls it off like the baddie he is please someone animate this i NEED it anyways yeah he doesn’t really sing it but he 100% has done the dance in front of daichi.

asahi: Lullaby by Johannes Brahms. this baby hes such a slut for classical music and he always listens to it before a big game to calm his nerves. he pretends that he’s listening to something “tough” but everyone knows that he listens to classcial, they just pretend to not know.

nishinoya: Old Town Road by Lil Nas X. yeah, he hasn’t gotten out of the old town road phase and he unironically sings it and does a yeehaw dance. no one can stop him because everyone (except tanaka) is too embarrassed to be around him when he sings and dances, so he thinks it’s ok (honey, no), also, tanaka sometimes joins in and it’s painful to hear and see.

tanaka: GOOBA by 6xi9ine. he thinks it’s “badass” and tries to rap it whenever it comes on, and he fails horribly, but nishinoya always hypes him up saying that he did a good job, causing him to start singing again please save karasuno from hinata, nishinoya, and tanaka’s singing

ennoshita: Cough Syrup by Young The Giant. though it may not seem like it, but this man has got music TASTE like- yes. anyways yeah this song is a vibe and he really likes it. he once tried to introduce good music to tanaka and nishinoya, but they said it was “boring” and “sappy” and he never wanted to beat them up more than he did then.

kageyama: he listens to like play by play volleyball games or podcasts that talk about improving your skills because he’s a hoe for that volleyball shit try and prove me wrong i dare you

hinata: Red by Taylor Swift. he has terrible music taste and he literally just listens to what’s popular and like what his sister listens to. he likes to sing outloud and his voice is worse than oikawa- like karasuno cannot handle hinata singing at all it’s literal earrape.

tsukishima: Fancy by Twice. tsukki is a hardcore kpop stan, and he 100% listens to twice religiously, like that's the majority of his playlist, and he refuses to play his music out loud, and everyone thinks he listens to like rock or some shit like that. only yams knows that tsukki listens to it and he was sworn to secrecy.

yamaguchi: Sports by Beach Bunny. he likes to hum it quietly to himself because he really likes the beat and the lyrics. tsukishima has this song saved on his playlist just for yams and he plays it whenever they share headphones.

kiyoko: Body by Megan Thee Stallion. i dont know what to say, she is just a baddie who loves the confidence boost she gets from listening to this song as she should kiyoko is amazing she even learned the tiktok dance to this song and she performed it to yaichi yaichi.exe has stopped working but she won’t show it to anyone else anyways shes just a baddie and we stan.

yachi: Green by Cavetown. yeah she really likes the calming peaceful vibes this song has and she likes to sing it quietly when she is in a public place, like a bus or a subway to calm herself down and she also plays it when she studies.

aoba johsai 📼

oikawa: Bubblegum Bitch by MARINA because it just raidates that “i’m hotter than you” energy (just like he does our twink king). he prob sings it in the locker room while everyone is changing and his singing bursts everyones eardrums omg the whole team hates oikawa’s singing so much

matsukawa: Toad sings WAP he’s such a memer like- yeah so he and makki probably obsess over these toad sings video because 1. they are funny as hell like it’s some god tier comedy and 2. they say oikawa sounds like that when he sings it’s true tho

hanamaki: Toad sings Sweet Home Alabama. he and mattsun have a running debate about which one is better, and they ask the opinions of literally everyone they meet about it. so far more people have chose maki’s favorite song and he’s a little smug about it.

iwaizumi: Ride by twenty one pilots. this is probably like one of his secret pleasures. most people think he listens to like rap or something like that, but he really likes this song. he hopes that oikawa will never find out about this, because he will never hear the end of the teasing, so he just listens to this song while he is by himself, or just without the team.

yahaba: Walking On A Dream by Empire Of The Sun. idk this just feels right, like i really have no explanation why i think this works it just does🤠

kindaichi: Wake Me Up bye Avicii. this man is borderline bad taste, but we will let it slide for now, so yeah again, he just gives me the avicii stan vibes, he probably thought he would like rap more, but one day he heard avicii playing on the radio and he was hooked. he still pretends to like rap because he has a “reputation”

kunimi: Advice by Cavetown. this man gives absolutley zero fucks about everyone’s opinions you bet your ass he listens to this song. he 100% puts headphones in to listen to this while someone is talking to him because he just doesn’t want to have a conversation with them. everyone hates when he does that, but again, he doesn’t give a shit.

kyotani: We Will Rock You by Queen. yeah this is probably his pump up jam and he always listens to it before a game to get hyped up. if anyone dares to talk to him while he has headphones in, he will not hesitate to bite their head off i know this for a fact.

nekoma💾

kuroo: Yarichin Bitch Club OP. ever since kenma introduced him to anime OPs, he’s been obsessed, and he loves the yarichin op becuase 1. it’s dirty and he thinks that’s funny and 2. it actually slaps like why does it go so hard i’m in awe- anyways yeah he always sings it in the most public places just to get attention bc he’s a whore for the spotlight like that 😌. he also sings it with bokuto whenever they are together bc we stan the dumbass duo.

yaku: Arms Tonite by Mother Mother. yeah he is kinda obsessed with mother mother but this is hands down his favorite song. lev once heard yaku listening to this song and made fun of it, and let’s just say lev got the ass whopping of his life, yaku takes no prisoners- anyways yeah he just vibes with it and it’s great.

yamamoto: Who Let The Dogs Out by Baha Men. the whole nekoma team HATES his music taste, and they never let him play any music becasue- it’s just so bad i’m sorry this man has no taste like have you seen his hair? (the slander is real :))

kenma: Hikaru Nara (Your Lie in April OP) kenma loves to listen to anime ops while gaming bc they are highkey all bops and he says they help him concentrate. he tried to get kuroo to listen to the songs with him, and kuroo started to like listening to anime OPs, so they usually listen to them together.

fukunaga: he listens to like john mulaney comedy shows becuse he’s a little dork like that and (timeskip spoiler) he becomes a comedian later on so it just fits 🤠

inuoka: Roar by Katy Perry. again, it’s just the vibes that i get from him, i can’t explain it, he just seems like a big dork who would like this shit. so yeah, he probably sings this song really loudly when it comes on and the whole nekoma team just has to tolerate him when he does it.

lev: Ra Ra Rasputin by Boney M. he probably started listening to this song as a joke because he’s Russian, and the songs about Russia, but he genuinely started enjoying it and whenever it comes on, he starts singing. his voice isn’t actually that bad but yaku still gets annoyed as hell when he does it and beats the shit out of him.

fukurodani 📼

bokuto: Mr. Brightside by The Killers. he gets really excited when this plays and always gets up to sing it really really loudly, and do a really energetic dance. akaashi calm your child please he’s not a good singer, but he’s not a terrible one either, so the team has just gotten used to it.

akaashi: This Side of Paradise by Coyote Theory. eep akaashi the hopeless romantic we stan- anyways yeah he found this band in like his first year of high school and has been addicted ever since. he doesn’t really share his taste in music with others, but the one time he let bokuto listen to music with him, bokuto got way to excited and accidentally dropped akaashi’s phone and cracked it.

konoha: Spirits by The Strumbellas. idk i just feel like he would listen to this song. he would never play his music out loud though, because bokuto always takes the aux cord/ speaker before anyone gets the chance to.

shiratorizawa💾

ushijima: he doesn’t listen to music. like if tendou offers to play music with him, he’ll accept, but like he’s just confused why people like listening to music so much, so he will just listen with that face he always makes (😐) while tendo is jumping around, dancing, and going batshit crazy.

semi: All I Wanted by Paramore. he is flat out obsessed with this band and he learned how to play this song on his electric guitar and has went to a couple of their concerts. semi 100% makes fun of his teammates music taste as he should

tendou: Yoda CBT remix (i linked it if you want to listen), ok but seriously, i think money machine by 100 Gecs. tendo is so chaotic and i think his music taste reflects that. he cannot listen to music without dancing or singing, and he always plays his music on full volume (hearing? what’s that?) tendo never gets the aux cord, because the last time they gave it to him, the speakers almost broke.

goshiki: Eye of the Tiger by Survivor. this little dork omg i really don’t have an explanation for this, it just fits and i take no criticism on this because y’all know it’s true.

shirabu: Cigarette Ahegao by Penelope Scott. semi introduced him to this song and he pretened he didn’t like it but he’s secretly obsessed. i think he generally doesn’t like music but this song- this song is such a vibe that he has to like it. (anyways yeah go listen to this song its so good)

inarizaki 📼

kita: Animal by Neon Trees. he isn’t really open about listening to music, he only listens to his songs when he is alone and when he has earbuds in, and if someone walks up to him to talk, he takes his earphones out (we stan a respectful boy). so yeah, he isn’t a big fan of music, but he still likes to listen from time to time.

aran: You Know It by Colony House. he will never listen to music in front of anyone because whenever he hears this song, he has to sing, and he doesn’t like singing in front of people (the miya twins are annoying he can’t do anything in front of them🙄), but yeah, this songs really good we stan this man’s music taste.

atsumu: Girls in the Hood by Megan Thee Stallion. this man LOVES this song like- he is obsessed. if you ask him something, he will literally reply with “can’t talk right now, doing hot girl shit” and he just walks away and ur just like- what the fuck bro. anyways yeah he thinks he’s a bad bitch but he really is just a dork.

suna: 505 by The Arctic Monkeys. yeah, the basic choice would probably be “why’d you only call me when you’re high”, but i feel like he would like this song better because it starts off kinda vibey, and then it goes into this great guitar bit, and just- the v i b e s so yeah i think he really likes this shit.

osamu: cooking podcasts. like he literally doesn’t listen to music, just shit about cooking. atsumu makes fun of him for it and he is just like “bitch shut up and go do ur hot girl shit 😐” and just walks away and keeps on listening to his cooking shit. (we stan this petty bitch)

others💾

saeko: E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY LIFE! by CORPSE and Savage Ga$p. this is self explanatory, she just is a bad bitch and this is what bad bitches listen to 😌 she def has played this song while getting it on with someone.

terushima: Bust It Open by Lil’ Wil. we all know terushima listens to these thirst trap songs and tries to do the tik tok dances that are associated with them. he probably posts videos to these songs on tik tok and they get a good amount of likes (cough cough he has a following of many thirsty girls).

sakusa: 24 hours of nothing yeah he doesn’t listen to music he just puts this on with headphones so people won’t bother him. he finds the silence relaxing and hates it when people interrupt him (cough cough atsumu)

btw: for some of the songs that aren’t on basic streaming services, i linked the youtube video for them.

anyways, i hope you enjoyed my first post [eep finishing this made me really happy]! have a nice day!

bye for now🌊

[inspriredlyuninspired]

The Stalker 

Part 5 

Modern!Ivar x Curvy!Reader. Able-bodied!Ivar, Dark!Ivar. 

Warnings: Swearing, fighting, stalking, panic attack.  

Summary: Y/n finds out who Ivar is, she is terrified that her life is in danger. She does not know if she should bring it up now. But she feels uneasy. 

Word count: 2,025

Third Person POV 

Y/n’s eyes went wide when she saw the door start to open. She looked behind her for signs of Ivar, but she could hear him still in the kitchen. She quickly slides into the office, closing the door behind her. 

She tuns the lights on and looks around, it just looks like a normal office, the nerves in her stomach went away when she went over to the bookshelf looking through the thousands of books he seemed to have. She was about to leave, felling stupid for being suspicious. However, something caught her eye on top of his desk, there was a picture of her. 

The nerves started to grow again, she walked over and gently picked it up. It was a picture of her on a run. 

‘How the hell did he get this?’ She thought. She saw multiple envelopes labeled, “My Little Dove”. She knew those letters were about or for her. She saw a stack of papers about Danish exports, ‘oh great one thing he didnt actually lie to me about’ she thought. 

Luckily she didn’t look through those papers, a picture of her was hidden in there. One night Y/n was changing in front of her window, Ivar thought he had hit the jackpot. Seeing her in just her bra and panties made hime go wild, that picture was tucked away for safe keeping. 

Y/n walked around the desk, and a gasp left her lips. She saw a board with an astonishing amount of pictures of her on it. She looked through them all, she doesnt understand how he got these, unless he had taken them himslef.

At the bottom corner of the board a small piece of paper with the words 

“one day i’ll be your man, not your stalker”

Y/n felt her chest tightening up, she couldnt breath. She could feel the panic attack coming. Thinking of what Ivar could want with her. ‘Does he want to hurt me? Kill me? Kidnap me?’ her thoughts quickly went from what he was going to do to her, to ‘Everyone in my life wants to hurt me. My parents, every friend i ever had and now my first boyfriend.’ She felt betrayed, Ivar had finally made her feel wanted and accepted. When everyone told her something was wrong with you, he told her he was proud of her for what she overcame. 

Y/n quickly left the room and walked into Ivar’s room. Her breathing was so fast paced but, she couldn’t get enough air to her lungs. Her knees buckled and she was now curled up on the groun in the fetal position, trying to calm herself, she was too in her head she did not even hear Ivar calling for her. 

Ivar callled for her but when she didn’t respond he skipped down the hallway looking fo her. 

“Y/n! Little dove its time for dinner! Are you all ready for some movies and cuddles because i know i am-Y/N!” he quickly ran to her side. 

“Little dove what’s wrong?” he was s confused, she was totally fine when he left her to shower. With her hair still being damp he did not think that she had left his room yet, let alone that she found out the biggest secret that he has ever needed to keep. 

“i--i-- ca-can-can’t Bre-breathe” Ivar immediately recognized that she was having a panic attack. He scooped her up into his arms and held her there, close to him. He had read that holding someone having a panic attack can help. After a while it did help, her breathing returned to normal. 

The strength in her body was gone, otherwise she would have pushed herself off of him. She was laying on his chest as he ran his hand through her hair, his back was leaning against the foot of the bed. 

He moved her slightly, and stood up, following by picking her up. He wrapped her legs around his waist and she responded by wrapping her arms around his neck. She had a stone cold look on her face. ‘If he was going to kill me might as well not fight it’ she thought. 

But he was never going to hurt her, thats the part she did not know. 

“you need to get something in yout tummy little dove, lets eat and then we will lay down okay?” Ivar said, in a sweet little voice, not wanting to be overbearing in this delicate moment. All Y/n did was nod her head against his shoulder. 

He sat her down at the table, he sat down next to her. He began to eat but she couldnt bring herself to eat. She felt terrible for seeming ungreatful, he had cooked a beautiful meal and here she was pushing it around on her plate like a child. 

But finding out the man that is now your boyfriend has been stalking you for months tends to make you lose your appetite. 

“What is wrong baby? You havent eaten anything. Do you not like it?-” 

“No Ivar its wonderful. Thank you, i was just in my head thats all.” she gave hime a fake smile and started to eat. Even though she had reason to not want to please him,  she never wanted anyone to feel bad for their kind act. She knows how that feels and wouldn’t wish it on her worst enemies. 

After they ate, Y/n offered to do the dishes so Ivar could shower. He pepered little kisses all over her face, she smiled at them, even let out a little giggle. But remebering the situation at hand her giggles went silent and her smile instantly went away. 

As she did the dishes, she thought of how she was going to bring this up to him, or what she was going to do. 

She was thinking of ways she could talk about this with him, while he was in the shower worrying about her. He knew that she dealt with anxiety but his heart broke seeing her like that. As well as seeing how much her anxiety attack took out of her, how it exhausted her, he wanted nothing more than to take that pain from her and deal with it for her. 

After he got out of the shower he threw on a pair of sweatpants and started making his way out to the kitchen to see her again. It had become habit to jiggle the handle of his office just to make sure its locked, but when he did it and saw it was unlocked his heart dropped to his stomach. 

She knew. She knew everything. ‘Why the fuck was the door not locked?’ He thought to himself.  

His heart was racing as he walked into the kitchen, he was going to let her bring it up first. If she hadn’t seen the pictures he didn’t want ot expose himself. 

“Hi little dove, thank you for cleaning the kitchen it looks beautiful.” 

He wrapped her arms around her and kissed her head, she didn’t melt into him like she normally did.

“lets go sit down and talk about what’s going on baby” He meant talking about her anxiety, but she had differrent plans.

They sat down, Ivar threw y/n’s legs over his lap and had a sweet smile looking at her. He thought that he was going to lose her, the same day that she became his. His world was crumbling to his feet. 

“Ivar, i have a question for you, and please be honest with me.” 

“of course baby, anything.” 

“Did you stalk me? im sorry i went into your office, im sorry for being nosy but then i saw a picture of me and then a lot more pictures and then letters for me, i didn’t read them i just saw “Litle Dove” on them and i assumed they were written to me, its just why did you do that.” she rambled because she was nervous, and she felt the tears formming in her eyes. 

Ivar let out a sigh, he never envisioned this happening. 

“yes, i did but i can explain.” 

“HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT IVAR?!?!” Y/n screamed, she stood up wanting to be away from him. 

“Little Dove please sit down so we can talk about this.”

“why should i? what do you want with me, if you want to kill me just do it already. Everyone who i think is going to be good in my life just wants to hurt me. so please get it over with.” 

“Y/N SIT THE FUCK DOWN.” Ivar screamed, Y/n jumped when she heard it. He had told her that he had anger issuses but she never thought that he would scream at her. She sat down not wanting to hear him yell again. 

Ivar felt bad for having to yell, he knew she was very sensitive to yelling because of her past. But he needed ot explain himslef for everything.

“Little Dove, i will never hurt you. That’s part of the reason i did it. I wanted to protect you, but you didn’t know me yet. I’m sorry that it happened like that. I saw you running and i thought you were the most beautiful person i have ever seen. I knew from that day that i had to make you mine. I just never had the courage to talk to you, i wanted to impress you. You know how i told you that i was hated as a child, by everyone. I would not be able to recover from you rejecting me. So i thought i would admire you from afar.” 

“Ivar that is no excuse for stalking me. My privacy feels invaded, i don’t know what you saw and what you haven’t. What do you know about me?”

“Well, almost everything.” 

Y/n nodded as the tears ran down her cheeks. Ivar looked down knowing that she was going to leave. 

“I know that i messed my chances with you completely up. I just want you i had no intntion of hurting you in any way. I wanted to protect you from anything that could hurt you. I wanted to be your guard dog, from your parents, from your personal battles. I have never met a person more perfect than you. Becasue i know you are going to leave, i just need you to know that i love you.” 

There were tears now streaming down his cheeks, he was losing the girl who made his life brighter, the most precious creature to him. 

“Ivar you made me feel valid for my feelings, and now i am questioning if that is genuine.”  “My feelings for you have always been genuine, everything i have said to you has been genuine-”

“How you weren’t showing me your office because it was dirty? what else do i need to know?” 

“Thats the only secret i have, i promise.” 

“its getting late i should probably go home.” Y/n said while staring to walk towards Ivar’s room. 

“Y/n please no, please don’t leave i cant lose you.” Ivar begged, he grabbed her hand and held it close to his heart. 

“Little dove, its storming really bad, please stay the night.” 

“fine. But do not touch me in bed.” Y/n crawled into bed and turned her back towards Ivar’s side of the bed. They laid there in complete silence, y/n facing the wall and Ivar looking at her. Neither of them could sleep. Not after the conversation that they just had. Ivar broke the silence by asking.

“Little dove? i have a question.” 

“what is it Ivar?” her voice was still innocent and sweet but she did sound like she was crying. 

“I have a family party this weekend, in Denmark. If you will come with me and just pretend that you like me, you can leave and press charges against me. I won't fight you on it.” 

“Okay, and for the record i don’t have to pretend that i have feelings for you. I am falling in love with you. That is what is making this so much harder for me.” 

To be continued.......

Taglist: @youbloodymadgenius​ @lostgirl14480​

[crowleygal]

Dean and the Writers

Why do the writers always target Dean with being the bad guy? Seriously, I want to know. First, Davy Perez bought and gassed up that bus and aimed it straight at Dean. They made him lie to Amara. But given the nature of the storyline, God wants to destroy the entire planet. To stop God they also have to stop Amara. They can't just suddenly decide to lock up God because that makes Sam look bad that he bought into God's lies that it destroyed the balance. Either Sam was easily manipulated or Amara doesn't get a choice. She has to be on boaard whether she liked it or not. Otherwise the planet is dead. No way the show is going to send that message about 'Chief' so lets get make Dean the bad guy by refusing to mention or remind the auidence that there is no option but for Amara to be on board and they have to secrure her cooperation by any means necessry but can't remind fans of that. Then Dabb's assistant shoved Dean into traffic, with the whole lying to Sam thing. Not to mention teen Dean's treatment of ppor wooby Sammy. The secret wasn't even that big. Dean said just the week before that a sacrifice would be required and when isn't one but at least it wasn't them. Who do you think he was talking about Sam? Sam is so wishy washy he makes a token objection but refuses to take a stand. Its not like he was bending over backward to find another way. The secret Dean held onto for what a day or two changed absolutely nothing. They also bring out that old tired, 'Dean doesn't trust San argument as justification for the lie. It why the show framed it as Dean somehow making this major revelation and being meen to Sam. Then they had Dean get angry and yell and make selfish statements about how he wants off the hampster wheel. Conviently forgetting to mention that destroying Chuck also saves 6+ billion people. Then Sam totally over reacts but no one really cares becasue they can cheer Sam on because the writing once again framed Dean as in the wrong. Even though Sam could have taken a stance any time he wanted. (Sam with Cas. he was bragging to Dean just a few weeks ago about Jack being a weapon). Then we have Glynn who scored a direct hit this week. Despite, just a few eps ago we had Dean say he was trying to forgive Jack and baking him birthday cakes, they had him shout Dean wasn't family. She had to know the reaction that was getting from the fandom. To back that bus over him some more, of course Jack over hears. Dean pulling a gun on Sam and cocking it. Punching and head butting Sam. That ice cold speech he made to Jack in the car. But nothing once again about the fate of the world being at stake. Then we have Cas and Sam polishing each other's halos when their motivation is just as selfish as Deans'. Sam wants to save his girlfriend and Cas wants to save Jack. Okay, I get that, but at the same time they have no alternative and Chuck can squash them like a bug any time he wants. Sam and Cas are risking 6 billion+ peopple to safe a few. The writing frames this as Sam and Cas being morally right while Dean is wrong. WHen they are literally all doing this for personal gain. Berens is the worst of all when it comes to Dean hate. Dean hate has gone expontially since Mary died. Dean (and Sam) should be the victims here, not Cas and most certainly not Jack. But every controversial deciion that came up the show made Dean do it. (More wishy washy Sam over the Malak box. He made a token objection but took no real stand). But the show realized it went to far and Jack couldn't be this pure innocent soul after killing Mary so he did the next best thing. He shifted blame by having Dean annouce Cas was dead to him. Now suddenly the audience is made at Dean (WHich is what Berens wanted). Then instead of letting Dean be rightfully angry at Cas for lying about the snake, they had Cas flounce and act like the injured party and then validated Cas's actions by having Dean grovel on his knees. (Once again proving my point, because Dean kept a very minor secret for a day or two and got yelled at. Cas kept a secret that lead to Mary's death but yet Dean is still public enemy number one in the fandom. ) So I'm honestly and truly wondering, why do the writers feel this need to frame Dean in such a negative light while they keep framing Sam and Cas in a postitive one for the exact same actions. (Lying, secret keeping, and selfish motivations). What makes all this worse that the there is no time to build the character back up. When to they start showing us al lthe traits Dean had before Dabb took over. Dean's heart, his compassion, his ability to think outisde the box, his never say die attitude. How can people say Dean has had character growth when he only became this angry bitter person after Mary's death This week they seem determined to heap more grief and guilt on Dean. There is basically 1 ep left and that will be some big battle that I'm sure they will give the "lets all be friends" speech to Sam. I ask again when do they build Dean up? There is more to "character growth" then just pointing out flaws. This is why I'm dreading the next ep. Im fully expecting Berens to keep reversing that bus to run over Dean again and somemore After all if he is killing Cas he won't want the audience made at him. He'll want to shift blame and make it Dean's fault. I'm expecting Dean to come up the plan, insist on it, despite objections and it all goes wrong and Cas has to sacrifice himself to bail them out and everyone can be mad at Dean again. Why did the writers think that this character who is beloved by so many would be okay with them trashing the character this way right at the end, so that Dean isn't remembered as the complex, layered 3-D character, but a selfish, bitter and angry person. That isnt' character growth. Its character destruction. No wonder Jensen was so concered about Dean's legacy and said he would change how they got to the final episode. No wonder he mentioned specifically a 6 episode renewal on a streaming service. (Kind of specific and take on a whole new meaning with Jensen's produciton company. This post is strictly about the writers and how they are framing Dean. So please don't say well "its different when its (any other character here) because (insert reason here). Its just proving my point the the writers treat Dean differently than the other character. It makes me sad because Jensen doesn't deserve this and Dean's fans don't either.

[c0untb00z]

I would just like to clear, I don't hate the BBC Dracula 2020 Show. In fact, I actually like the idea of Dracula being set in modern times like in the show, but I would like it a lot better if it wasn't written like a fucking reader insert fanfiction.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some reader inserts every once in a while but they're meant to be on Wattpad. Sometimes, you can find really fucking good fanfictions that could genuinly be movies, but this really just feels like someone wrote an erotic fanfiction for Dracula. It almost reminds me of a worse version of 50 Shades of Grey with less kinky sex.

First and foremost Agatha Van Hesling. I actually kinda liked her personality, how driven she was and determined to never give up, but she was literally created for a love interest. In Dracula by Bram Stocker, Sister Agatha is a nun that nurses Jonathan back to health, claiming he was 'sick in the head' as he ranted of what he had seen and warning others of Dracula. She doesn't even have a last name.

However there is a Dr. Van Hesling in the book, hes dutch(???) Professor that mentors and taught(????) Jack Seward who was in love with Lucy, who was fed off of and eventually killed and eventually undead by the means of the one and only Dracula. Dr Van Hesling plays a large role in the plot of the book. He has an open mind and was able to draw connections between things that some others couldn't, as he had access to more sources and could speak to most off the charecters involved. He's the first person to present the idea of a vampire, and Lucy turning into one. Thanks to Jonathan he was able to identify the vampire feeding on Lucy as Dracula and finds out how to kill the vampires.

So basically Agatha was literally fabricataed for the sole perpose of being there, to fall in love with Dracula or something.

I know we all are horny for Dracula. I'm horny for Dracula. Vampires are fucking hot but the sexiest part of vampires is that they ya know. Kill you and are mercily and heartless. The show does show that in a lot of parts and even decapiates a nun and yeets it into a gaggle of nuns which i fucking died at. But it also, humanizes him way to much, hes literally a monster. The scene in the boat with lord whats his name really portrayed that. It was really,,,, weird cause me being a kinky fucker I don't find the particular phrases of "you're going to need to be quiet now," and " youre doing so well" that creepy and if anything a little hot but looking at the circumstance and the look on that kids face, it was like r e a l y fucked up. Which is why i liked that scene. It showed just how fucked up Dracula is.

To be fair i did like Cleas Bangs acting and casting as Dracula. He had a certain charm that was ever so s l i g h t l y off. I heard people say he just 'made up an accent' but fuck you guys its a fucking danish accent you incolent twats anyways. He could be really funny at times and i actually apprecited it.

However the casting AND acting of the modern parts is absolute shit. Ep.3 is where i kinda gave up on the show and finsihed it for the sake of torturing myself. FIRST OF FUCKING ALL LUCY i cannot fathom how P I S S E D i am about Lucy. Why did they have to make her a phone obsessed basic asshole with no regards to anyones emotions besides her own and the extent of her personality is 'getting likes on socail media is all i care about because it makes me feel validated so im gonna wallo in self pity because i was obiously written by white man in his 50s that would have made me white if he wasnt forved to throw in diversity points" like shut the fuck up steven king.

Also lucy and mina never meet??? Theyre in different fucking time lines??? Theyre friendship and love for eachother was fucking golden how dare you rob that form me and give me a garbage bag full of shit with a shiny little bow on top in its place jesus f u ck.

The cemetary scene was o k ay i gues?? I liked the little nod to the book with the bloofer lady and the concept of random sprits being undead because of unfinished buisness. But this really just felt like it was slapped in the show for the sake of going on a date with Dracula in cemetary. I actually kinda apperacted it but it just felt awkward.

Also who the f u ck is Lucy's friend? The gay one??? Like,,,, is that supposed to Arthur???? His chatecter was so fu king weird and offset he just didnt feel like he should be in there. Hes literally just there for a-50-year-old-man's-interpretation-of-young-women-now-a-days verson of Lucy to have a gay best ffriend.

Ok i not even sure if i want to talk about Quincy. It just hurts. It physically hurts me to think about how d i r t y they did my baby. His charecter is the defination of american chivalry, just as great as regular chivarly but with a little extra cowboy vibe. Quincy is jist the biggest,,,, sweet haert,, like he asked lucy to marry him in his cool american cowboy voice cause he knew lucy loved it and it always made her laugh. And even when she turned him down becayse her heart belonged to arthur, he stayed. All he wanted was for lucy to be happy and all he requested was that they stay frirnds. Hes also invovled with taking fkwn dracula although hes not a main charecter percice ly as he doesnt have any entires in the book he still has an amaizing precence and sometimes while reading the book ill be readying one of dr sewards passanges and think "huh i wonder what quncys doin. I hope hes dooin good. Cowboy vibes n stuffs" amd boy dles he do that. Everh dracula film adaptataion robs us. R O B S U S of quincy morris best scene. In the middle of dr van helsing ranting about vampires( thats basically what half of the book is. I could write a 4p minute mono louge of his rambling jesus how does sweard take note of all this) quincy litterally just walks out. And nobodg really pays any notice beside glancing ag his leave and shrugging at one anouther and going back tl listneing tl van helsing explaining his vampire fan theories quincy moris , the quincy morris from texathe untited states of the amerkca the land and the free and also cowboys.stands outside of the bouilding and pints his gun up at. Dracula whos in the shape of a fucking bat eves ddopping outside the window and just fucking,,shoots it. Now he doesnt hit it cause thatt wouldnt be as fun as brutally stabbing the fucker witja wooden stake. But S T I L L. And the fucking bullet hits the window that everybodys in anprobably causes arthur to shit himself the ppoor boy. Can you belive that theh didnt fucking flim thatfor any dracul? Now i i under stands why not put in this adaptation because quincy is only mentionsed like three god damned times. And when theh DK mention him jesusnshit they literally jsut made him some popular jock from amwrica just to conter jacks white twinky ass and then they had him propose to lucy in the middle of a fucking night club and she says yes???? Lile ok jut throw Arthur out a window then cause cause fu c k him i guess. And then after lucy dies he jjsy fucking moves ?? The only thing thta makes this version of qincy quinccy is the fu king name and fact hes from america

Ok now jack fucking seward. He reminds me of when ylu forget you had a pb&j in your back pack so in the bos after school you pull it out cause yoyr hungry and yoyr mom put WAY to much jelly on it so now its like. All obsorbed into the bread and joggy and squished. Just sad and really white. They even had some kid call him whate bread and they werent fucking wrong. His obly personality traits were ' omg i love lucy but shes a hoe ;,,,((' and being connected to Zoe.

Now last and definately least the god forbaden ending. Just thinking about it gives me a fucking head ache. So , jesus, zoe, who is agathas great niece or someshit, a d looks exactly like her (its literally the same fucking actress) is a detective lile scitist reasearching dracula. So dracula is illedatly attracted to her becasue he thinks shes like agathas reincarnation or soenshit. So he tries tk drink her blood at one point and spits it all out and pukes and sjit cause her blood is poisonous bevaise she has fucking c an c e r. So later we find out that draculas weaknesses ( the sun crucifix) arnt actually real hes just afraid of dying so he has like irration fears or some shit so for some fucking reason. They deside. Its a good iea to end the show with this:

Dracula fucking drinks all of zoes blood killing her and himself because her blood poisonus. And ghe fucking emd scene is them like,,, in the sun???? Or soemt hi ng??? And theyre naked and like presumably fucked and dracula says some shit like " its doesnt have to hurt" and i almost tore my wrist open wiith my teeth because of how shitty this ending is.

Not lnly is it disrespectful to zoe but agatha, agathas whole thing was K I L I N G. dracula she wanted him fucking D E A D she woULDNT FUCK HKM

And like just after finding out that he can be in the sunlight with out fucking dying and that crosses just make him umcomfortable or some shit he just desides to kill himself??? DUDE YOU JUST FOUND OUT YOURE PROACTICALLY MORE INVINCABLE THAN YOU WERE BEFORE AND YOU JSUT FUCKING OFF YOUR SELF ??? HE COULD HAVE FUCKING RULED ENGLAD AND SPEAD VAMPIRISM OLL LVER THE FUCKING COUNTFY AND WORLD KF HE TRIED HARD ENOUGH AND HE KILLS HIMSELF BECAUSE THEY WANTED A STUPID SAPPY ENDING

anyway if anyone actually goes through the effort of reafing my god damn eS S A Y about Dracula that i finkshed typing (im not gonna bother editing tbh) at 4 fucking am. Then thank you and please get a life

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[sometimes-a-robot]

I dont know whats happening. I cant even tell if she likes me anymore. We are talking and it seems like we’re good, but then i mentioned spending time together over Christmas and she responds with “yeah”. Like, i just told you that i cant wait to see you and spend so much time with her and your only response is “yeah”? But then i dont know if im just being a worried dumbass. I really want to continue our relationship but it seems like she just doesnt care and i dont really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt want to be in one with me. And i feel like im starting to loose feelings for her but i really dont want to. I hate this feeling. I should just end it and spend the rest of my life alone. Just be alone for the rest of my life doin random shit and feeling absoultely horrible cause im bored but not having any desire to do anything like i was last year. At night i just sat there bored out of my mind and just hating my life. I felt that i should be doing something because im not doing anything and anyone who does well in life actually does shit and tries to advance their career. But here i am being a lonely bitch sitting alone in the dark hating my life. But then when im with friends i feel fine and i have fun. Then when i use my social battery i go to my room and just watch youtube or something. But that gets borring fairly quickly and then i just spend the rest of the night browsing through uninteresting videos and hatting my life for being so boring. Why do I have to be like this? And I know I have problems and shit but what have I gone through that makes me have them? Ive lived a pretty good life with like no struggles or traumatic experiences to cause any mental problems so i dont have anything like depression or shit. But then me telling myself that makes me feel like something is wrong. But i only feel that way because ive read it in books and i just want an easy explanation to throw all of my problems at, right? And anytime i feel something i can think of a movie or book that showed it and then clearly im just faking and trying to be like my fantasies and stuff. So i have no idea what thoughts are actually my own and what are just movie clips and books. And I also just kind of change who I am based on what social setting im in. with friends? a bit outgoing and fun. Having a serious discussion? serious. And im worried that i myself have no personality. just the ones ive adapted to from social scenarios and stolen from books and movies. I dont know who the fuck i am and i dont have any idea what to do. I feel like i should just break up with her cause long distance clearly isnt working. But then i dont want to do it over text cause thats for bitches. But i also dont want her or me to keep up with this charade for another whole month. its not fair to either of us. But i also dont want to tell her during christmas cause i dont want to ruin it right before like the biggest family holliday of the year. But i also feel like im just a really insecure and clingy person cause i get jealous when she doesnt talk to me for a few hours and is just hanging out with her friends. Hell, even with my one friend who said i was like her best friend out of the group. We were all in a group talking and she walked a bit ahead of us to talk with one of us and i felt bad. Like i felt jealous but i knew i wasnt supposed to feel that way about that and i dont want to tell anyone casue i know itll ruin the relationship like it apparently is doing with my girlfriend. And i dont want to do that casue shes a really good friend. But i also feel like im being a toxic friend and i know i shouldnt and i hate myself for it. I should just sell everything and run away and never talk with anyone again. And i really want to tell someone this but i just feel really bad talking about this to anyone cause they shouldnt have to deal with my problems and I know they will look at me differently cause i hide so much of myself. Im not even sure how much of what people see is actually me. I lie so much about stuff and who i am and what im thinking and i feel horrible for it but i know if i tell people whats actually happening they with think of me weirdly and not like me anymore becasue i lied so much to them and i would be a completely different person than the person they like and are friends with. And sometimes i already feel like they dint like me cause im an annoying clingly bitch and they would rather spend time with other people and i feel like im just a second class person even through i know i shouldnt feel this way, like the one friend told me i was her best friend. But i just cant get it through my thick head and when i do i always become super clingy and jealous. But then after acting distant ant like she doesnt care she comes right back and is smiling really big and snapping fast and seems happy and i dont know. I feel bad now that i felt like she didnt like me and now all my feelings for her come back. This happens like every time but i know that if i tell her this she’ll just think im clingy cause i “need constant attention and affirmation”. And i feel bad but it kind of feels that way to me. and i know shes busy and has school to do but im just really confused and dont know what to do. Not that anyone follows this account, why would they, but if anyone read this and gets at least the gist and has any advice, pls.

[professorlockhart]

i just cried for a long and hard time in the shower and i dont even know why it happened i was just really sad and tired and i have so many things on my mind i was sick of having to take care of the house and everything we have to think about with all the appointments and people and insurances and all the cleaning and not being able to read at night because ther eare no lights and half expecting to come home without any electricity again cause it most certainly can happen and waiting for all the people to come from ten to twelve and when it’s half past twelve feeling pissed because he didn’t come and him calling at like 2 pm saying he can’t do it today and will come tomorrow at 4 pm even and not being able to be angry with him because he’s probably doing his job and he can’t speak english and so i can only say yes and thinking about wanting them to sign the papers but them cannot doing that because of the problems with the insurance and all the waiting and annoyance and trying to speak and understand in a language im not fluent in and not knowing if i would be able to live in the house for a period of time and people always asking me on the weekends when we meet like ‘how’s the house you poor people why are you still living there if i were you i would move’ and actually thinking about moving but knowing that you’d have twice the hassle and tiresome selling of the furniture and looking for another place to stay while at the same time considering NOT moving but that there might be another ‘unlucky situation’ even though we think this second one would never ever happen because one is enough and always wondering and asking to god why me why us you gave us one problem with the robbery and we went through it barely alive and we were pissed and angry and tired and sick and sad and annoyed and now we have this one and it’s like you’re punishing us for something, punishing me for something, thinking that maybe it was brought on to the three of us because of me, thinking that maybe if i weren’t the third friend in the house none of this would’ve happened, but at the same time thinking that i go to church every week, i pray every night i am grateful for what i have like what did i do wrong for me to deserve something like this and i know there are worse things that have happened to other people, deaths and misery and war and unhappiness and i should be thankful for the roof above my head and the food i can eat every day but im just tired of all this and i don’t deserve it and why why why

and on top of that i have him who’s so lovely and loving and amazing and loves me so much more than i can imagine and so much more than i can love him and doing so many things for me throughout the bad things that happened and how much he cares and how he’s also sad when im unhappy and how he always, always wants be to be happy even tho i already told him not to do that, to go ahead and not think about me because i’ll probably not be able to be happy today, that there is nothing he can do but him keep trying anyways, and me being an annoying bitch about it and making him pissed and saying things that makes him feel like im not happy with him and being a bad girlfriend even though that’s not what i want, that’s not what i mean, im just surprised that anyone actually wants me that way, the way he loves me, and that i’ve always been alone, and every time anything bad happens or if im unhappy i will be alone and dealing with all that alone and if im unhappy i’ll be unhappy alone and try to cheer myself up and now he’s there, he wants me to be happy, he tries so hard to cheer me up, and im just surprised someone like that actually exists, i know he exists for other people and i’ve seen it in the movies and read them in the books but i’ve always thought they were just romanticized, that love is exagerated, that nobody will ever feel that way towards me, and there he is, so far away physically but so close to my heart and i just hurt so much thinking about how i dont deserve all his love, how he knows i feel like i dont deserve him and how he tries so hard to make me feel like i’m special and loved and deserve every single love he gives me and i just hate myself more because his love backfired and now i get sadder because why would anybody love someone as pathetic like me, with the house problems and the acne and the fat on my stomach and how i got a 7 while everyone got an 8 and how he thinks im cute but i know im not, how i’m unfashionable and how his mom thinks i need to wear more dresses and use more makeup but i don’t want to spend my money on dresses or makeup because i was brought up to not care about my appearance while his family cares so much about how they look and how his mom always asks how im doing mostly to ask about my acne because she doesn’t want her son to be with a girl who has acne and how i never go out of the house, not even to buy groceries because im lazy and how he wants me to go outside but at the same time he always tells me not to change for him but im just tired of everything there’s so many thoughts running around my head and i just don’t like it i don’t like myself i don’t like my life and i don’t know who to talk to and what to do so all i can do is sleep and cry and shower and do all the normal stuff and watch movies with my friends and try to enjoy myself but i just want to sleep i just don’t want this life im tired of everything but if i sleep if i’m left alone with all my thoughts i’ll be thinking about this again and i’ll feel sorry for myself like a stupid annoying prick and crying about all the bad things that happened to me even though other people have had worse and knowing that if i tell this to my mom she wouldn’t be bale to do anything becasue she’s so far away and not being able to tell him about it cause he’d feel sorry for me too and he’d try so many things to make me happy but i’ll just be sadder because i’d be reminded of how much he loves a person who shouldn’t get all this love. and im just tired and i dont wanna die i dont wanna leave i want everything to be okay but it’s not okay and im tired.

[imjustcoping]

TW- mentions of sh and unaliving

ive been having a really shitty day.  I woke up just exhausted, got outta bed to do my push ups and sit ups and i just lay on the floor for 10 minutes trying to motivate myself before school.  Then we ran out of coffee so i couldnt take one with me, and getting changed was really shitty becasue i had to see my refletion and all my cuts in the mirror.  And they keep catching on my clothes and leaving stains on my white shirts.  im too tired to deal with it.  Then at school, everyone kept demanding my attention and i just couldnt deal with it.  i couldnt find my headphones to block out the noise and for the whole day i kept realising over and over again how im doing so much worse than i ever have before.  Normally my self destructive thoughts stay in a box, they are linear and they include one of a fw things, slef harm with a razor, hitting something with clenched fists or blasting music to kill my thoughts, even sometimes i think about unaliving and how i hated it that my last attempt didnt work.  but yesterday i was walking past a glass display case to one of my classes and i almost rammed my head sideways into the glass.  i was walking and the image of me doing it just stuck into my vision and i was so close to following through but the moment passed but i havent been able to stop thinking about it.  it was horrible and violent and honestly ive been starting to get more and more thoughts f suicide again.  They just keep hitting me when i dont expect it and then for the rest of teh day im forced into a state of survival.  waking up in the mornings is almost a hit and miss, im always this close to giving up and just lying there.  

Its worse than last year and that scares me becasue i dont want it to get as bad as last year but i know that its already worse.   have mock exams in 2 weeks, and i havent studied, i have several internals due and no time to do them becasue im too drained to process the words.  this morning my best friend greeted me by saying hi fat bitch.  it really hurt and i was already exhausted and she didnt know that though and she said something and i literally shook her.  i grabbed her by the shoulder and shook her.  i didnt know what i was doing but she just stood there and looked at me as i shook her god i hated myself for it.  it made no sense, she did nothing wrong, i had no right to do that and i feel so stupid.  today has just been a whole fucking daze of me trying not to break down and trying not to go to the bathrooms to cut myself. fuck i hate it here, i hate this life, i hate these parents, i hate this body

17/08/22 7:53pm   -Alder/aster/wallace / neale

p.s pls help im trying to figure out my new name and i want some input

[missechoali-blog]

Lost Without a Cause

Truthfully I have wanted to write a blog since I could remember, it’s that safe place where you can just say what you want, either people will have been where you are now or will never understand. Right now I feel like the lost cause. Everytime I am happy I manage to seriously screw it up. Have you ever just like you don’t matter and that if no one ever met you they wouldn’t feel like something is missing. Well I am that person, that you could have me in your life for ten years and one day I just won’t be there and I promise you won’t feel like something is missing. I have a son, and I love my son, he is so cute, very talkative and he means the world to me and I want to do better for him but every single time I do something I mess up and everyone reminds me how I am not good enough. So I stopped caring for my son, I don’t have an attachment to him anymore, I don’t feel good enough to be his mom and it sucks cause that’s all I ever wanted as dumb as it sounds is to be a teen mom, to take care of a child and get to cherrish my child longer. I always wanted to be the understanding mom, the one who would never give up on you and be there till the very end. I think I would love him more if his father was never apart of my life (yes i do understand that means he wouldn’t be here) however his father was my best friend, and I believed we would always be able to parent together and I was never scared but truth is we suck at parenting together like the world is better off on fire!The night I brought my son home from the hospital was the night that my “husband” cut his beard off, the night he let his best friend become more, the night i cut my hair but most of all the night i realized i would never be important to anyone that no matter how hard i try i am just that girl who fucked her life up. I don’t hate his dad by all means, he’s a great dad, i just hate the choices he made, and the way he left me feeling. What if I am never a good enough mom and my son blames me for his dad and I splitting for the rest of his life? I finally moved on and if he could have his what if, then maybe I should finally do what I have wanted since the day i met him, running into him at walmart was no accident that was fate. If you ask me, you can fall in love with someone across a crowded restraunt, that i do know and don’t let anyone tell you different. Meeting him was fate, him being my boss, that was destiny, but us being together that was our choice, and a year later I finally took that chance and I won’t take it back cause meeting him was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Love scares me, but he made it a lot less scary and I wish he was more patient with me and could see me struggle and that the reason he would fall alseep before me at night was becasue I was scared to go to bed cause right now we are okay but if i wake up in the moring its a new day and who knows i may lose him forever and being alone scares me but being without him scared me more. I grew quite found of him and I could hinestly say he made me happy, i just needed to get over my issues from the past and I let those define our relationship, i never gave us a real shot i always focused on the problems. He left me, because of my own doing, my “husband” told me to stop being a pussy and to finall kill myself and maybe he was right I am the suicidal one, i am the one who fucked everything up, they both tried to love me to there fullest but i never let them love me, i oushed them away every chance i got cause i dont want to get hurt again but all that really did was hurt me. I need to learn to cherrish myself everyday. Hey spongebob, if your reading this I love you and I may not be shouting it to the whole world but whoever reads this knows. I fell in love with you across a crowded restraunt a year ago when you showed up late, working with you and growing with you wasa the best and i will forever love our memories, i will forever care about you and want the best for you, always try to not hit any cars and don’t park next to wrecked ones, but most of all don’t forget to be extra judgy at the mall when you see a third wheel cause odds are we were right, and don’t forget that preppy douchebags aren’t your style. Follow your dreams and never give up thats where I went wrong. Dear ex husband, i believed you when you told me you loved me, i trusted you and I gave you my all, take care of her and don’t hurt her like you did me, i will always care what you have to say, and when you say something i will always take it to heart. I wish I was good enough I wish you saw what he saw in me, cause mabe then you wouldn’t be with her and we could have had that family we wanted but truth is i didnt fuck up, you always say i “never” do anything wrong but you know what i wasnt the one who cheated, i wasnt the one who threw a marriage away, i didnt give up our family and most of all i didn’t cheat on my new lover on my wife for almost two months cause I didn’t want it, you swear you were the one who shut that down, truth i told her baby daddy, her sister, my boyfriend, my mom, my dad, my grandma, her brother in law and most of all my best friend, i had my way i am why she found out, i made sure she found out, not to hurt her but to finally give you a taste of your fucking medicine, you are a liar, a cheater, an ass, a fucking prick but most of all your a low life loser who couldn’t keep a job and the one you have now will probably last another week or month but truth i don’t want you back your no good for me your not worth it, but you had me going up until today, i will always chose him over you, cause i stopped fooling around cause i found what i wanted, maybe you come back but it will be too late, the damage is done, you hurt me to the point of no return and sadly i did that to him, so now i am not any better than you. You told me to kill myself and as easy as it would be I won’t let you win, just know i love you but love has its limits and i hit mine, its maxed out. The only reason i am still here is because of him. I fucked up and my life is a joke but truth i don’t have much to love for, if I never logged back on again, if I never said hi to any of you again would you notice? Doubtful, find someone who makes it worth it. If any of you made it this far, know this, you are worth it, i may not know you personally or at all but there is going to be one person that misses you even if you think you are alone, no matter how much i hate my ex i will never let him be alone or do it alone, no one should ever be alone, me i have no one but you need a friend i will always be there. It may just be your mom, your dad, the kid from 3rd grade that you haven’t talked to in 10 years but they sure as hell still wonder how you are doing. Your never alone I promise there is atleast one person who will miss you, people who don’t know you all to well they will miss you, those who have seen you at school or teachers, your not alone, cause your face being in the paper and reading that they killed themselves that will kill more than one person i promise that, even your worse enemy doesn’t hate you enough to watch you go through that. For me I can’t talk about my feelings but I can write about them with no problem, find your way that works best for you. As i come to an end i need to say one thing, i feel better off dead but maybe its just a feeling its not an act, but most all babe, im sorry for hurting you, for not listening to you and for fighting, i was being selfish and i put myself first when it was you that needed to be put first. I love you and i am sorry but most off all i hope some day i end up at your new business and we fall in love again in a crowded place, until then you will be in my heart where i will keep you forever, I love you and I can’t say it enough!

[cherryblossomkoi]

5/24/2017 10ish-currently 11:27pm Grad night thoughts.

i only feel regret. at the moment. i wish i wouldve taken more pictures. i'm mad at myself for not having enough money to afford a good phone that i could actually take pictures with. i regret being a lazy person that wouldnt go out and get a job. this moment mad me realize all of this. most of all, even though i'm sure i'll have another chance, i really regret not telling the girl that i like "congratulations" or even "you look really good tonight" im such a, im such a wimp, when it comes to that, well, talking to her. the only time i actually had an actual conversation with her was prom night, at the after party, where i was drunk for the first time and like, really really drunk. and i wouldnt even consider it a legit conversation because we were both somewhat drunk and it was just senseless chatter, yet i enjoyed every minute of it. i really need to grow a pair. even though everything is over, it hasnt hit me yet. i still feel like,... like a normal, every day, high school student. and honestly, im afraid, i dont want to grow up, i dont want all the responsibilities either. i know what im saying is selfish, and wrong, in a way, but i cant help but feel like this i hope life doesnt completely screw me over. another thing i realized, is that after party, on prom night, i wish i wouldve gone to all the other parties in my high school years. that was my first and probably last party ever with people from my graduating class. at first i felt out of place but after a few drinks it was like i have always been apart of the group. i even played some drunk basketball with my pre high school friend and old 9-11th grade crush, although i believe i am completely over her i think she'll always have a place in my heart for some reason. i guess shes one of those people that, touched me, or my soul, my heart, or whatever. i dont quite know how to describe it. of course im more concentrated on the girl i like now but i guess you dont get to choose who gets a permanent spot in your heart. it pains me knowing that one day i will cease to exist and no longer have any, any type of impact or acknowledgement on or from anyone, because all those people will be dead too. and if they arent then theyll be near dead and only remember me as how i was. a wimp. a quitter. that white boy. a person who looks really terrible while drunk. everything i dont necessarily mind them viewing me as that but i dont want those things to be the only thing theyve viewed me as. or rather, remembered me as. i just want them, and the people i hold dear in my heart, permanently, and currently, to know who i am. yet that seems like an impossible thing to accomplish. now i feel lost, and empty, some wednesday night huh? i feel like i should be happy. but im not. not really that is. of course, im glad that i dont have to do another single stupid thing at rhodes again, but im not happy that im leaving. as much as i despise quite a few people from rhodes, and some of the schools policies, it pains me to realize that i'll probably never see them again. after 4 years, those assholes, and everyone else, seems to grow on you. i remember freshman year i wanted to just quit school becasue i hated the people so much and though it was completely cancerous. now, i dont want it to end. why? because i dont know what to do with my life now? because i feel lost? because everyone has grown on me? or because i dont want to grow up completely? Honestly, i have absolutely no fucking idea. aside from the undiscovered things i've yet to experience, and those that i have experienced, yet cant necessarily deem one of the hardest things to do, i can freely say that trying to describe how youre feeling, is damn tootin really friggin hard, near impossible, especially with a minimal, common, everyday vocabulary. it humors me how there can be specific words to describe a feeling you feel yet you have no idea how to describe it, until you come across that word, if you ever do come across that word, and until then you have no idea the word even exists. im not entirely sure if this applies but one of my teachers once said if you think you understand something but cant explain it simply, then you dont truly understand it. im not sure if theres a correlation between that and feelings, or words, but i felt like it was worth mentioning. while i was still going through high school it really felt like it took forever, but now that im sitting here, it feels like all 4 years were over in the blink of an eye.