#i still don't leave for a few hours but:(((((((
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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If I end up having to train on the brunch shift tomorrow, and I end up being as tired from my shift tonight as I was last night, how am I going to watch the Olympic men's marathon live at 2 AM, EDT??
The answer is lots of little naps, I think.
#This is me#At least on Sunday I don't have pool until 4 PM so I should be able to watch the women's marathon no problem and still get sleep#My boss mentioned yesterday that I would probably only close either last night or tonight#and I closed last night so maybe I'll be allowed to leave after the dinner rush which means I'll be home in plenty of time to get a sleep in#watch the marathon then sleep a few more hours before returning in the morning#NO CLOPEN NO CLOPEN NO CLOPEN!!!
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I think we should bring back basic etiquette lessons such as shutting the fuck up when you’re watching a movie in a group that is not exclusively your friend group 🙂
#welcome to another Mick Airs Out Their Grievances and by god is it a VERY long one#prob best if u don't expand the tags#am I being maybe a bit meaner about this than I would be for any other movie? maybe but pac rim is one of my favorite movies of all time#so I think I get a pass on this one.#one of the groups on campus is hosting movie nights & I went to this one bc I've only ever watched pac rim on my laptop and wanted to watch#it on a larger screen. yay yippee I love this movie!#there r maybe 10-ish of us in this room and a three person friend group is sitting on the couch one of whom has seen the movie and two who#have not. okay so far so normal.#and then the movie starts and they won't! stop! fucking! commentating! the whole fucking movie!!! I don't have a problem with doing that#when I'm in just my friend group because I know that I can tell my friend to stop talking or pause the movie or whatnot but not when I'm in#a large group w people I'm not good friends with ffs#and the comments aren't even funny or anything they're all oh this is JUST like in iron widow!! oh they're SO gay and autistic!!! and#they're talking so loud about this that it completely drowns out the movie audio which has already been turned up a few times#like. be considerate!! some of us want to yknow actually listen to what's going on and not whatever bullshit you're saying#I nearly walked out three or four times before I actually wound up doing so#I may have been a bit of a bitch at the end but I don't care. I got up to leave because this was not an enjoyable environment and one of#them offered to turn the movie down if it was too loud. this caught me a bit off guard since I expected them to still be so wrapped up in#their convo and. well. I may have said 'it's not the movie that's too loud' before closing the door#this also reminds me a lot about my issues with online shipping culture and it bleeding through into how we interact with media irl#this is probably heavily influenced by my aromanticism but I'm so sick of people constantly reading romantic relationships into everything#AND placing more importance on those relationships than any other form. I don't mind romance in media. I think if done right it has great#emotional impact on a story but when a movie is running and when other people who may not want to hear it are in the room watching it too#is not the time to be loudly saying 'he's autistic!' 'they're in love!' 'she has a crush on him!'#I have my own interpretations of the movie some of which agree with what they said and some of which don't but that's beside the point of#knowing how to coexist politely in public#anyway. I think they were awful and annoying and they ruined my night out.#I think I'm just so incredibly mad about this because I love the movie and I was looking forward to watching it in a group of people who#found it cool as well while still having some modicum of politeness#I almost wish I had been meaner but that's the extreme annoyance talking I think#hater hour over love u guys bye
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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family
#fucking hell#it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister#who was equally dreading the day#my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt#then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high#weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence#i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum#who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf#but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed#they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes#finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously#(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room#and made things appear that should not be there#I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go#you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear#I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well#she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer#maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important
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#OUghh... I've been really sick the past few days like not able to keep food down and had to go to the hospital#to get iv fluids and etc. to stay hydrated lol...#perhaps some sort of stomach virus or something. but still very grrrr for it to happen in the middle of the evil summer of#course#when everything is hot and uncomfortable anyway.. I really wanted to get a sims video and costume pictures finished this week and keep#up writing like 1000 ish words a day for my game. but.. alas... the universe was like... I Think Not#I at least have been able to have some tea and juice and applesauce and like 4 saltine crackers today so#I always think it's funny when you're ill what sort of little things count as successes#like on any normal day eating a few crackers would just be something you don't even give a second thought#to . But when you're really sick it's like .. WOW.. I ate TWO crackers.. amazing.. huzzah... I should get an award certainly#call the press and alert them. I should be in the newspaper headlines for this harrowing feat. etc. lol#I still feel very shaky and weak though.. but am like... hhhhh... when can I work on my projects again...#Also I literaly never leave the house or have contact with anyone so maybe it's not a virus and was more food poisioning or something#since I'm not sure where I'd get a virus even but... regardless... stinky#just complaining since I suppose that is what personal blogs are for lol. I'm a private person in the sense of wanting to proect my identi#ty and like.. I dont want an alexa in my house listening to me all the time and I dont tag my real location on social media or share photos#that could reveal the front of my house or etc. etc. But in all other senses I really don't beleive in holding stuff in. Because it will#just fester. especially when it has to do with other people (like relationship issues or something) but even when its just stuff that only#has to do with you. If something annoys me then I shall let it be openly known. if I'm bothered it will be clear. etc.#Which I guess makes me seem like a Hater And Complainer but I guess I just feel like its better over all to explain and express openly#than to just silently stew and hold everything in and then probably feel worse for it later or something.#Expressing annoyance is kind of like casting the concept off from yourself and releasing it into the wild so that you're not harboring it#anymore. all grievances must be aired eventually. etc. this is a Pro complaining zone lol#If you feel like shit dont hide it. just go 'man I feel like shit'. etc. etc. Cast it off into the universe. be free#ANYWAY... aughhh......... the wizard has fallen ill in his stinky little tower.. pacing the stone floors in tattered robes. hair disheveled#. carefully sipping a single cup of tea over the course of an hour lest drinking too fast upset his fragile stomachs againe..
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just randomly remembered that during my like 10+ attempts at the shadow yukiko fight i more or less consistently ran out of revival beads so yosuke was just dead (well unconscious but whatever) on the ground for like half the fight gfhfjvhfhfhd-
#puppy rambles#persona 4#p4#as much as i love him he's not always the most useful. that fight is one of those times-#still always keep him in the party though. perfect p4 team to me is yosuke teddie and naoto#i haven't gotten to naoto joining the party yet but i love her. trans icon. vibing naoto is the best thing to happen to the persona 4 fandom#and yosuke and teddie are my favorites of the investigation team thus far. the others are all very close but they're above the others#dunno why i like yosuke so much. souyo is def part of it#and teddie is very very silly. idk why people hate him so much like yea he can be kinda annoying but he's only existed for a few months#he doesn't understand social cues yet. he's just autistic leave him alone vhgbhmfhdf- /hj#i feel like a lot of persona characters have autism vibes but that's probably at least partially just me projecting#at the very least i'm sure we can all agree that aigis and marie do. autism arcana#that's. probably why they're my favorite girls ggyfubhngd-#aigis is easily my favorite persona character. she's cute and also silly :3 and bisexual i love the bisexual toaster and her doors <3#(aikoto + hamugis polycule for the win. makoto and kotone aren't dating obv. ryoji's also dating both of them separately#)#and marie is cute and also silly i'm totally dating her. love how persona technically lets you polyamory so long as you don't date everyone#i have to max her social link for the golden-exclusive content anyway so might as well#‚‚‚ this post got derailed. i like the part where i talked about my beloved persona 3 bisexual polycule#p4's def the best persona game i think but i love p3 very much too. makoto kotone aigis and ryoji are unsurprisingly my faves#really love yukari too. i spent several hours trying to figure out how to add mods to p3p so i could date her as kotone#it was not successful. i'll probably get it on steam when i inevitably play it gghdhchvhv-#and i'll get reload at somepoint too. probably on steam at least first so i can use the kotone mod i need my girlie#makoto is also great i love him. emo non-binary icon. but also silly girlboss. they're both so mentally unwell#that reminds me of a drawing i have in my drafts i should post that#oh also it's aikoto week apparently??? which is very poggers. idk the prompts but i need to draw my sillies regardless#i do slightly prefer hamugis but they're both very very cute to me. the toaster has two hands she can kiss both the doors-#idk why that joke's so funny to me. i should stop now-
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.
#my new job is like a damn dream btw#i'm not getting paid as much as my target was but it more than makes up for it in really good work culture#and tons of employee engagement/amenities that are just fucking Nice#not that i utilize most of this but: cafe with free food and drinks. 24/7 on-site gym access. very flexible work schedule.#frequent free food events#discounts on sport/concert tickets/ski resorts/etc#unlimited PTO. tuition reimbursement. volunteer support (can take time out of your work day to do volunteer work while still getting paid).#my manager's ethic is: don't care what hours you work as long as you're here at the morning meeting and get all your work done#basically as long as i communicate i can work 7-3 or 8-4 or 9-5 or whatever suits my personal schedule#and i am allowed to leave when my work is done. no sitting around twiddling my thumbs trying to look busy#if all i have left is data analysis i can leave early and do it from home if i want#i can set up my work so that i can work from home once or twice a month. something i never thought I'd be able to do as a bench scientist#its so amazing compared to anywhere else I've worked#i'm sure it's laughable compared to the super wealthy pharma companies but those are evil places so i'm happy with this#ALSO i get regular raises and a merit bonus every year#just...wow what a great place to settle down for a few years
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yeah sex is great but have you ever unflooded your street by removing leaves from the storm drains using the litter-grabber tool you bought from lowe's two weeks ago for that exact purpose?
#every year my street floods in the autumn when it rains heavily. usually multiple times. every year!!!#i hate it it's so stressful. and of course the cars keep driving down it even though it's unsafe. a lot don't even slow down#and they throw up these huge walls of water with their passage#the street becomes totally unusable for pedestrians wheelchair users bikers strollers etc.#it's just the worst. and every year i'm like oh i should get a thingy so i can do something about it#and i never do in time. but this year. THIS year. watch out world#i cleaned out the drains preventively a few times in the past couple weeks but today is the first day of somewhat heavy wind and rain#so i went out this evening and two of the four drains were completely clogged :( but i got out my tool & as soon as i cleared a little spac#a whirlpool formed and sucked all the water into it! with this amazing noise. it was fantastic#then i cleared away the rest of the leaves cuz that tiny spot would get covered up very quickly otherwise#i came back by an hour later and they're still looking great <3 i'm basking in the afterglow#it is funny how much easier a homeowner could do this than me. those people have yard debris cans#they have space for shovels. god. a shovel. my kingdom for a shovel#i'm just piling the leaves on the curb one handful at a time and then leaving them there (out of the way of everyone of course)#because i have nowhere else to put them and no way to transfer them farther distances#but it's mostly just apartments near this intersection so we gotta do it for ourselves#anyway i'm probably gonna have to do it again tomorrow because there are a lot of dead leaves out there right now#but man! i've never been able to do anything about this before except call the city and wait for them to send someone. this feels so good
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...
#i am so drained tbh lmao#the last few weeks took all of me.. i don't think i have ever been this tired in my life tbh.. like yk when you get 1h of rest before#going to sleep and it feels so rare and so precious?#literally been making a schedule for every waking hour of the week these days and there are never enough of them#idk i know i get excited about fics and the stories ill still post and writing them def brings me joy but i just lack energy these days#sometimes i worry i might have to close the blog/leave bc idk how to properly be here anymore and i worry that i might come too late#when everyone's left this blog too :') or stopped caring it's so stupid bc i know we all love each other here.. just bc my energy's missing#it's also why im not capable of answering asks rn but i see them and i will answer pls never stop sending them.. during harsh days they're#my serotonin#dunno.. just so drained by people and the stress :') and other than that my migraines have gotten so bad these days they come back so often#i really don't like to whine but i need a place to let this out after weeks and months of.... this :')#ill probably delete this and it's okay if literally nobody sees.. im just tired and i need a hug lmao sigh#anyways#back to reading c&f!! ill go and write a bit of entertainer
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Maybe being a clone doesn't scare me because I had to recreate myself at one point in my life. When I was going through major depression (not like lol depression, but it was very bad), I reached a point where I could not differentiate myself from the depression. Depression seeped into every fiber of my being that I essentially lost everything that made me me. Changing for the better meant scrapping everything I knew. I had to start from scratch and build myself back up piece by piece. It was terrifying. Depression, as bad as it was, became a crutch I could always rely on. It was steady and consistent. It was everything I knew. To let it go meant venturing out into a world that I had no clue what was what anymore. I had to go on blind faith that I would make it through.
I've done it once I probably can do it again.
#rambles#i think that a lot of people that have had depressive episodes don't know how much worse major depression is#it's one thing to struggle with depression and another to be caught in the storm with no way out#i remember crying so much believing i was the worst person alive and didn't deserve to be loved#i remember wishing i was never born or hoping something would kill me in my sleep#i remember being absolutely starving barely having eaten in days but still being completely unable to eat#i remember crying forcing myself to stomach a few bites from an apple haha... took me more than an hour#it's so odd that it can make you feel so terrible yet you'll become codependent upon it#it's sticky like natto#can't get the slime off of you no matter how hard you try#until it becomes you#and it will *become* you#recreating yourself from that is such a task#in depression you'll lose what you're likes are... your dislikes... your hobbies... your beliefs... your values...#you lose essentially everything#you have to discover all of these things all over again#and then there's the fear that what if you come out of this as someone you can't even recognize?#this is why i'm so pushy when it comes to ppl with depression symptoms#pls just go to a doctor and get medicated#the more you leave it alone the greater the chance you'll end up like me#okay i shall finally sleep
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the way one of my friends offered to get people drinks. one of the others asked for a rum and coke, so i asked for a vodka lemonade n then they stood right behind me and went 'is olive allowed to drink?' it killed something inside me a little bit. like i wasn't episoding i've been responsible about my drinking recently don't take away my autonomy when i'm capable of looking after myself please. i know i barely can but don't. don't make this one of the few things people will actually talk to me for
#sorry but i just feel so isolated in the friend group#like no-one's leaving me out its just everyone is coupled up and the only other single people are in a qpr and go home together to watch#korra everytime we hang out and it kills that i'm the only one who has to go and be alone. everyone else skips off all happy and i'm left#to go back to my little den of depression and fight through the panic abandonment response that i get every time i leave them#but if i isolate myself completely i will be even worse. my therapist told me to make myself socialise as much as i can and i've been tryin#and it's usually alright for most of the time when we're together. like nice even if its heartbreakingly lonely and i dont have the spoons#to contribute consistently to conversations#vent#sorry i'm just. i feel like i'm falling apart slowly#catching bits as they fall and shoving them back into me but still deteriorating faster than i can fix myself#i want to stop.#i can't be a human anymore#i can study and live in literature but i cannot be human#i can't be loved.#i just want to beg one of my tutors to let me camp out in their office for a few hours so they can help me somehow do my essay#like. i can't do it on my own. i can't think enough to scrape up my memory of the books i'm writing about#and i don't have time to reread them to find quotes#i just. want to be a cat hiding under people's tables with the occasional pet from people who are kind enough to like my type of creature#but be left to sleep and do what i need to at my own pace#is that really so much to ask? can i become smaller please. take away this body of mine and give me something that fits the shape of me
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I've been reading about xiangqi a bit and now I'm even more obsessed with that one video of Jing Yuan
#Obsessed with the fact they made a point of him not leaving the palace#Anyway I was rewatching this because I still find very amusing that you can see when he steals that piece from the board#Which is something that makes I think more sense considering the ways in which you can check and win in this game#It seems pretty fun actually I think I'll try. Maybe with this being different this time I'll be able to convince someone to play with me#No one wants to indulge me when it comes to chess and I don't like playing online#Hmm actually this game seems less unpleasant to play non physically based on aesthetics#With chess I always have to take out a physical board and it's sort of annoying. The pocket chess I carry around is not much better#Yes I think I'll give xiangqi a try. And look for good books about it and its evolution. I hope I find something#It's always so hard to find things worth reading about topics like these. Like with fencing. Still unsure about what I got about that#After rewatching the video again I have half a mind to make gifs to keep track of his moves. I just really find it very amusing#I love how the move and what is happening in the rest of the video work with what we see him do in the actual game#Personality wise yes but strategically#I think I actually rambled about this in a post a few days ago? Oh wait that was in my main blog I think#I don't know why I make sideblogs if I end up reblogging the posts in the main after all. I always do the same thing#I'll stop now but oh I am really so so fond of him. I think I could talk for hours haha#I talk too much#Jing Yuan#Right now it doesn't seem to appear in the general tag for me but I'll check in a bit again#I really don't know how to organise my rambles anymore with this feature#I miss the five tags thing#Now no matter how much I talk it seems the general tag will always find my posts
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after literally spending hours today on it, I now have a highish-quality version of the complete first My Hero Academia stage play. I'm going to go insane
#first i couldn't figure out how to download the video i found on the internet and had to get a workaround#the download kept failing so every few minutes for literally like an hour and a half i had to keep telling it to retry#i get that download and it's way lower quality than the original video i downloaded#i figure out if i just screen record the video i get a higher quality recording#but this video is 2.5 hours so i have to figure out if i can turn the volume down on my computer and still record the audio#(I can thank god)#i leave that going for a little while#get back to it 2.5 hours later#realize the screen recordings have a max length of 2 hours#start recording from half an hour back#eventually i have 2 recordings that have the entirety of the screenplay#it's been like 10 hours since i started though to be fair i did take a 3 hour break to watch the queen's gambit with my mom#i open up the video in editing software#my computer decides i don't have enough storage so i have to clear a bunch of stuff#i realize that the video title has japanese characters in it is interfering with the editing software#i rename the files#i recreate the video#i restitch them together seamlessly and clear the excess at the beginning and end#at some point i try to separate the audio and video on the software bc that's something it can do#realize this is a huge mistake bc the audio quality goes WAY down#get distracted by izuku's actor's singing during bakugou and shouto's fight during the sports fest#bc hot DAMN he can SING#i have no idea what he's saying but i am having FEELINGS#that's my favorite song#anyway. now i have it. i have the video#it's exporting now
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Wird of advice? if you cant sleep then st the very least leave tumbr put down the device
goobnight, muck, and snooze
but i'm having so much fun with my friends!! no you're totally right i should at least try and fall asleep by this point lmao
#ofc it's not just my phone though like even when i leave it alone and take melatonin and everything i still wake up after like 3-4 hours#like i said before i got that chronic fatigue baybee. and whatever's wrong has been steadily getting worse so like :|| it's weird#you're still right though don't worry i'm also seeing another doctor in a few days so we'll see if that helps much :>#askmuck
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hhrhhhgh hhrhrgghh why do I feel so blehhhh
[stayed up til 7am because of reasons] [has only eaten a bagel today [clocking a slight fever, which may be because I had on too many layers and overheated but may mean I'm coming down with something] [took dayquil on an empty stomach] [blood moon rising in two days]
#IT IS A MYSTERYYYYYY#I would LIKE the slight fever to be not an actual fever but just 'too many fucking socks disease'#but I've also been sniffly for a few days so I'm not necessarily holding my breath there :')#I don't leave the HOUSE how DARE#anyway [lays on the floor in a pathetic heap]#oh the 7 am reasons was that our cat needed to go the vet early this morning to get a biopsy done#and staying up later was just gonna be easier with my sleep schedule than trying to wake up early :')#update an hour has passed since I started writing this because we discovered that the cat's incision site has been bleeding#and it's been A Whole Thing and also I still have not fucking eaten and now dinner is cold so I have to wait more for it to reheat#woooooo#about me
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maybe I'll just walk down to the river and have a good long scream. i wont, bc it's still dangerously cold out, but maybe if i imagine it that's close enough
#text post#im tired and i want to actually have fun today or at least not think abt my *** ** **** ******* *****#which i don't really want either i think i just. want things out of my control currently to be different#and the family shit has left me feeling even worse abt them and how they think of me#and my therapist's receptionist suddenly made clear out of the blue they want to wean me off talk therapy#which like i know she's going part time but im only wanting an appt a month or even every other rn#and im still fucking pissed at the fnp bc she's icing me out which is real fucking grown up#like. i did not fucking need anything else rn i was happyish!!!#not even a few days and weeks ago at least for a few hours at a time!!!#and one day goes no actually fuck u dumbass and godspeed and leaves me here trying to figure out#what the fuck i do and where i go from here#and mum will be by after her first day back at work after the hols and that's always a fucking production#in which she monologues to me abt how she's forever a victim and i pat her shoulder and dry her eyes and reassure her she's loved#no matter what bc despite it all she is!! by me a lot!!!#but that said shit like that is what has me so intertwined and understanding of izzy like#it's exhausting when the beams of your own house are rotting but you're spending most of your time#trying to hold up someone u love and depend on quite a fucking bit#and their beams seem to be in much better condition but that doesn't matter bc they still need upkeep#and if she won't do it and others won't do it for themselves then i will bc at least then i feel useful#and after ill do a bitchy lil vent post like this as usual and then pretend i don't mind bc what else can i do#except keep going forward when it's made v clear my life is not currently wholly my own to decide what i do with it#especially if those wants don't benefit ppl close to me#im so fucking tired again yall
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