#i think i dogged on the 2000s era ones back when i was watching them but

[skitskatdacat63]

Podium on Sunday? 👀

[lenievi]

001 for both mckirk and spones please!

This is gonna be long :D I'm gonna have to use read more

001 | send me a ship and I will tell you: mckirk

when I started shipping it if I did: so when the lockdown in 2020 started, I had nothing to do and just watched stuff. I have this favourite dubber and I was looking at the list of stuff he dubbed, and saw Star Trek AOS on that list. This guy is the voice of 2000s Alan Rickman, Tom Hanks, Tony Stark, he also apparently dubbed Garak in that one Star Trek series, and so seeing the reboot films on the list and his name next to McCoy, I was like, gotta check how he sounds. The fact that Kirk was also dubbed by a guy I generally like was a plus. (funnily enough Captain America/Iron Man and Kirk/McCoy are dubbed by the same guys here, which is funny to me). So I checked youtube and the scene I saw was the scene in Beyond where Kirk and McCoy are alone and are having a drink. And that scene did something to my brain, and I was like this is the dynamic I want, I wanna read fics, so before that I had to watch the films. So I watched AOS, basically through McCoy (Kirk/McCoy) lenses and started to read fics. Three weeks later, I decided to watch TOS because a lot of the fics referenced Kirk's backstory, so I wanted to know about it. The three weeks reading fics and looking through livejournal, kind of made me think that McCoy wasn't really an important character in TOS and that AOS made up the mckirk relationship (such a lie), so when I started watching TOS, I only planned to watch episodes heavy on McCoy. Which like... were most of them at the beginning lol I kinda decided not to trust the fandom after like three episodes or something. I binged the three seasons of TOS in like three weeks. I've had a hard time seeing tos!Kirk with men for a long time (I've had a complicated "relationship" with tos!Kirk for so long), so my interest in tos!mckirk was primarily as a platonic relationship [but it was always my fave relationship, I liked it even more than spones, actually] (but romantic in aos), but I started to insert Kirk into my spones fics, wrote a part from his POV, and then one day I just woke up and decided to write a tos!mckirk fic (it was actually because I started to read aos fics again, getting back into aos!mckirk, but... the tos version has been calling me) and just embraced the romantic (and sexual lol) aspect of their relationship.

my thoughts: I love their friendship so much. It's very important to me. I like that McCoy knows what to say to pull Kirk back on the right path, I like that Kirk can be vulnerable around McCoy. In AOS I like that McCoy is the only one Kirk shares stuff with about his mother and his insecurities (in Beyond it looked like he never even allowed the other crew to acknowledge his birthday... until McCoy finally decided to give him a party, after 5 years on the Enterprise...)

What makes me happy about them: we see both of them the most at ease around each other. They can forget who they are around each other, for a moment, at least. McCoy gives Kirk some of his most brightest smiles; McCoy can make Kirk genuinely laugh. Kirk needs him. badly.

What makes me sad about them: I eat angst for breakfast, so uhm...

things done in fanfic that annoys me: the lack of their friendship even in gen fics T_T (we all know what annoys me in aos fic, we don't need a rehash)

things I look for in fanfic: having more fics would be fun lol You know, just a genuine intimacy they show in the the show. Jim's sense of duty being the cause of angst.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:  McCoy with Spock (I do like the idea of mckirk to spones after the movie era, more or less). tos movie era Kirk? Actually, no one.

My happily ever after for them: buying a cabin in the mountains and getting two dogs (one big and one small) post TUC (then we can stop time lol or not...)

who is the big spoon/little spoon: idk haven't thought about their sleeping position. It would probably change based on what kind of story I'd wanna tell

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: .... you know, they're happy when they find the time to have sex...

spones under the cut

001 | send me a ship and I will tell you: spones

when I started shipping it if I did: so above I said that I started to watch TOS because of mckirk, right? Mainly because of The Conscience of the King and Tarsus IV, right? Well... I finished that episode shipping spones LMAO It really was quite quick for me.

my thoughts: the most engaging dynamic in TOS imho

What makes me happy about them: The loyalty, the trust. They were in each other's lives for 100 years. 100 years. That they're more similar than different. That they actually understand each other, but would never admit it. "I don't think I could stand to lose you again." < what is that? so real to have McCoy say that

What makes me sad about them: that they would leave the other one behind and die if it meant to save Kirk (this isn't meant negatively, I'm not really explicit about it or talk about it, but my spones know that Kirk's life is a priority, sometimes even just to show that no, we're not emotionally compromised, we know what our duty is kinda way. I just think it'd be great to explore that in a fic)

things done in fanfic that annoys me: uhm (I'm speaking in general, it is just my opinion based on my taste; I believe that everyone should write what makes them happy, we can't ever please every single person) McCoy using hobgoblin, elf, jackrabbit (the last two are terms that Kirk used to make Spock angry) as a form of affection/endearment, or at all tbh. McCoy being insecure because of Kirk. (give me Spock being insecure because of McCoy-Kirk friendship) Some people feeling guilty about writing spones and therefore still making kirk-spock have the specialest bond *rolls eyes* I just don't get the need to quantify relationships, I guess. Any kind of pet names.

things I look for in fanfic: balanced relationship, mature arguments that don't rely on pettiness, trying to combine the different world views, not needing to express love in a traditional way, but a way that works for the two of them and their two differing cultures.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: McCoy with Kirk, obviously. Spock with Chapel or T'Pring (even during the movie era, yes).

My happily ever after for them: 100 years. What more do you want? LOL My personal hc is that when McCoy dies, and Spock goes to Romulus, McCoy's spirit is always there because a part of his soul stayed inside Spock's katra. So Spock is just haunted by McCoy's spirit until he dies on New Vulcan, and then they're put into the katra stone. Together forever.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: I imagine them more as Spock sleeping on his back and McCoy's head on his arm/chest.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: banter (they especially enjoy if it makes Kirk exasperated)

[ask meme]

[girlreviews]

Review #162: Different Class, Pulp

I distinctly remember Pulp having their moment in the mid 90s. I was 7 when this record came out, and I burned into my brain is the sound of whatever cool young presenter was rotating in at that moment (I’ll say this was probably peak Zoe Ball/Jamie Theakston era) saying “it’s Friday, it’s seven thirty, it’s TOP OF THE POPS”, and you know, I really absorbed a ton of music being glued to that show so religiously but I particularly remember Pulp’s videos airing because I really felt it and was like, what is this?

That would have been either Disco 2000 or Common People, it doesn’t matter anyway because I love them both. There are a few songs in life that have massive commercial success and infiltrate general popular culture. Sometimes that can really spoil it, because it’s everywhere, it gets overplayed, people aren’t really listening to it, they’re missing the point. To be honest, all of that is probably true for both of these songs, but again it doesn’t matter because I’ve never stopped enjoying them. They’re just as good every time I hear them. Every time. How is that? How?

It’s the subject matter that they’ve chosen to focus on. A particular nostalgia and way of life. It’s the incredible detail that you only know if you know (wood chip on the wall). But mostly it’s the way the emotion seeps out of literally every sound, verbal and non-verbal. Sometimes Jarvis Cocker lets out these little tuts or gasps and you can just feel his disdain and the roll of his eyes. He whispers “Deborah” in such a way. He plays with his delivery and tone so that if you are paying attention you can pinpoint the exact points where he switches from sweet earnestness and sincerity to cutting sarcasm and biting, snarling social commentary that is seething in resentment. There are few artists that can take “ooooohs” and “yeahs” and pack it so full of emotion:

What are you doing Sunday baby?

Would you like to come and meet me maybe?

You can even bring your baby

Ooooooh, ooooh oooh ooooh oooh ooooh ooh

Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh!

On paper, you read that and think, that’s not great. But you hear it, and you think, damn that’s really something. How? HOW?

That’s just Disco 2000. I really am going to have a hard time not writing an entire dissertation on Common People. It’s incredible. The intro is just iconic, and everyone always loses their minds when it starts to play any time, any place. Rightfully so. It’s so clever. It’s so particular. It captures so well this very particular British feeling of hating, loathing, and having such disdain for rich people who cosplay as poor. We all know someone who’s been that person and it just rubs you the wrong way. Musicians and creatives especially who like to play pretend that they are starving artists when really they have a nice little bit of mailbox money and couldn’t even comprehend the reality of struggling with actual poverty. Their romanticization of being “working class” is condescending, insulting and pathetic. Summed up perfectly by this song, and delivered with absolute perfection, as if Jarvis is really trying to hold back losing his shit at someone. There’s a part where he inhales and holds his breath for a second, and it genuinely feels like he is fucking livid. Seething.

“Like a dog lying in a corner

They will bite you and never warn you

Look out, they'll tear your insides out

'Cause everybody hates a tourist

Especially one who thinks it's all such a laugh

Yeah and the chip stains and grease

Will come out in the bath

You will never understand

How it feels to live your life

With no meaning or control

And with nowhere left to go

You are amazed that they exist

And they burn so bright

Whilst you can only wonder why

Rent a flat above a shop

Cut your hair and get a job

Smoke some fags and play some pool

Pretend you never went to school

But still you'll never get it right

'Cause when you're laid in bed at night

Watching roaches climb the wall

If you called your dad he could stop it all

Yeah

Never live like common people

Never do what common people do

Never fail like common people

You'll never watch your life slide out of view

And then dance and drink and screw

Because there's nothing else to do”

Fuuuuuuck. You give us all of that, and on top of it, it’s an undeniable banger too. Iconic. I loved it when I was 7. I love it now. I’ll never, ever, be mad to hear this song.

Moving on, which I’m proud of myself for doing because it’s difficult for me to not spend more time picking apart Common People. I could easily go on, but instead I’m going to talk about Something Changed which is quite a different vibe from those two singles. It’s very sweet, and has lovely strings in it, just about how your life changes when you meet someone new and fall in love. Everyone spends time asking questions about how you ended up meeting, what if this, what if that? It’s really lovely. You can meet someone and suddenly everything is different — for better or worse.

Giving a nod to Sorted for E’s & Wizz, which, again, through their talent of perfectly describing specific scenes — I’m taken back to days of frequenting muddy festivals or going to some raggedy show at a pub in Camden that really felt like it wasn’t structurally sound and that if we didn’t stop dancing the top floor might actually fall beneath us. But it was okay you know, because we had our drinks and/or substances. Except, then comes the days following, which aren’t so good:

“In the middle of the night

It feels alright

But then tomorrow morning comes

Ooooh, ooooh and you come down”

Yes. You do.

2020 was the 25th anniversary of Different Class, and on social media it was being posted a lot with the question of what song was the best from the album. Everyone had a lot of opinions, of course, but my correct opinion is that Underwear is the best track. If for no other reason than for this line:

“If fashion is your trade

Then when you’re naked

I guess you must

Be unemployed, yeah”

Don’t go too much longer in your life without hearing this song. It’s classic Pulp, that same thing: earnestness, longing, sincerity, mixed with resentment and bitterness. Delivered perfectly. It’s like hearing someone expressing that they want to save someone that they kind of hate.

Something I think about all the time. And I mean all the time. Is how at the 1996 Brit Awards, Michael Jackson was performing Earth Song. It was this very hammed up thing where essentially he was portrayed as the messiah and it really obnoxious (although I loved this song, but in a comical kind of way, once sang it at karaoke — do not recommend). Anyway, Jarvis Cocker was genuinely appalled at the display and rushes the stage to moon MJ. What should have just been an amusing moment turned into a whole thing. There were children on stage and he was even questioned by police. It was all fine in that there was no serious wrong-doing found to have taken place, but his mental health sure did take a hit after that.

BUT I SWEAR, I swear, and I can’t find it and can’t find any evidence of it, but I swear on my life that in the following few weeks, Pulp were on TOTP again, and they made light of the situation by having Jarvis performing from a set that looked like a jail cell. It’s so specific I don’t feel like my brain could be making it up, but it’s possible I’m wrong.

They had broken up or at least gone on hiatus by the time I was old enough to see them live, which really hurt my heart. Fortunately they would reunite occasionally and I did get to see them at Hyde Park once. Now they actually tour fairly regularly, and are even returning to North America after a long-ass time, who knows. Maybe I’ll see them again. Maybe he’ll cover Earth Song (again, do not recommend).

[go-go-devil]

For the animation - 7, 13, 23?

7) What is the darkest piece of animation you’ve ever seen?

That's actually a good question! I tend to prefer watching animation with darker themes in them, so I've got a long list to go by when it comes to rating which one I found the darkest of them all

One example that always comes to mind for me, though, is the film Felidae, mostly because I was only 13 when I first saw it for free on youtube. It's a murder mystery film involving cats, so of course there's some pretty gruesome murdered cat bodies throughout, but there was this one scene in particular that REALLY fucked me up when I first saw it. It involved cats being used in lab testing and involved... acid, that's all I'll say

While I don't think it's as violant as Felidae, I will say that both The Plague Dogs and Waltz with Bashir are always pretty rough to watch, but I keep doing so anyway since both are some of my favorite films T_T

13) Name some of your favorite animators and why you fell in love with their style

I had answered this on another ask, but I have plenty more animators that I love!

Jan Svankmajer is a filmmaker who's made some of my favorite stop-motion animation. His style is fucking nuts. They're usually done either through claymation or with stop-motion employed with everyday objects like utensils, clothing, food, and even sometimes humans shot frame-by-frame! You can find most of his short films on youtube pretty easily as well as his feature length works Alice and Faust (his own adaptations of Alice in Wonderland and Doctor Faustus respectively).

Fair warning that his films can be pretty creepy, especially for those who have a fear of stop-motion or the uncanny valley!

23) What are your thoughts on independent animators on the internet? How much has it changed since the 2000′s (or 90′s if you were around for that era)?

Holy shit have things changed since I was a kid!

Back in the early/mid-2000's the only internet animation I ever saw where simplistic flash animations, usually based on video game characters, with the occasional beautifully animated stick figure fights you'd find on Deviantart or Newgrounds. Newgrounds was basically the only well-known hosting site for animators, hence the surplus of pop-culture based edgelord stuff, which was then replaced by Youtube around the early 2010's

I'll admit I'm no professional animator and can't really name any of the best programs animators now use to make their art, but the sheer amount of style, variety, and skill from those earlier years to now is night and day. I'll always have a soft spot for flash animation though. Even if a lot of those classic shorts haven't aged too well, it was still such a unique experience compared to mainstream animation

[tatestripedsweater]

Plot: Kit Walker never came back from the abduction of him and Alma, the extra-terrestrials kept him until they were done with the man. In the year 2000 Kit gets taken back to Earth in a time era he is unaware off, he’s just as confused as the person who finds him in the woods.

Kit Walker x GN!Reader

Wordcount: 1941

Tags: @kitwalker02 - Message me or comment below if you want to be added

Key:

Italics - Flashbacks

Bold Italics - Aliens speaking

1964

Kit lay on the bed smoking his cigarette as he looked up at the ceiling, only in his white briefs he couldn’t help but grin slightly at the events prior. It wasn’t the first time him and Alma had made love, in fact it was the second time today they had sex as this morning they fucked before he went to work. Moving so he was sitting on the edge of the bed, he put out his cigarette in the small tray on his bedside table, a clattering soon got Kit up onto his feet.

‘’Alma?’’ He maneuvered quickly to put his jeans on and shirt on before walking out into the living room, she was nowhere to be found. Quietly moving, Kit grabbed the gun he kept under a weak floorboard, he did this so no one would find it but he had to keep his wife protected somehow. The air was cold as Kit walked outside barefooted, not even bothering to put on shoes since he was more concerned on where Alma was, she couldn’t have gone far. ‘’Okay this isn’t funny darlin’!’’

Silence. The fear that something had happened to her had started to set in on Kit’s mind, he didn’t want to shoot into the darkness just in case she was playing a prank on him and the bullet accidentally went into her. As soon as Kit stepped inside the house the entire room was filled with a bright light and everything flew up onto the ceiling, including himself.

“Alma!” Kit screamed out loudly before putting his hands to his ears at the loud ringing in his ears, it was like something you’d use on a dog for it to stop misbehaving, he felt like electricity was being shocked all through his body before everything around him turned white and he was suddenly laid on his back on a cold, metal surface. “Alma..?”

Looking over at his wife she was completely naked as was he, but she was unconscious and no matter how hard he tried to reach her she seemed to get further away from him. “Alma.. please wake up!” Tears were streaming down Kit’s face as his voice cracked, his nose was running from how hard he was crying, the fear was getting worse the longer he lay upon the metal surface. Hearing noises around him soon turned Kit ridgid, it was mumbling in a language he didn’t understand.

His head was beating like a drum, it was as if someone had punctured right through his skull but he wouldn’t put it past these creatures if they did. The mumbling got louder and so did the ringing in his ears, screaming out even louder Kit could’ve sworn his ears were bleeding from the pain he was currently feeling it, he just wanted it all to end.

‘’I think it’s time’’ The moment that left the aliens lips, the sentence unknown to Kit, the surroundings went a blinding white before Alma found herself back in the living room that she called home. Quickly standing up she looked around for any sign of her husband. With her whole body shaking she made her way outside hoping he would be out there, crying out for Kit, but all she got was a beam of light like a fallen star flying across the sky before disappearing.

“Kit..”

2000

You were used to people shutting down your claims of what you believed to have happened that evening. You remembered it like it was yesterday but due to you being a child when the event had happened, people just put it down your brain creating false memories to protect you from what actually happened to your mother. The officer in front of you was the same as all the others, he felt sorry for you so he never shuts you down when you tried to explain to him about the ‘abduction’, but he had to soon stop you since you were getting stares from people passing by.

‘’Y/N stop this.. we’ve been through this dozens of times’’ Huffing heavily you shook your head, a look of disappointment on your face when he said that to you. Staring the officer in the eyes you couldn’t help but narrow your eyes at him, he always seemed to cut you off as soon as people started staring but you believed people of this town deserved to know. Of course you’ve gotten called everything under the sun.

‘’You should be put in a mental hospital! You’re turning into Julia’s mother, Alma, God rest her soul’’ You knew that voice all too well, she was the gossip of the town Mrs Wilkins and she had a face like a toad, and the perfume she wore wasn’t exactly being kind to your nose either. Feeling the annoyance and anger within you, you decided to stand up for yourself and the officer knew the look in your eyes all too well, but it was too late to even stop you before you spoke with a harsh tone towards her.

‘’Shouldn’t you be getting a new mirror, considering your face made the last one crack!” You quickly got pulled away by the officer before the woman you had now offended could speak another word,

“Go home Y/N! It’s getting late for a woman of your age to be out anyway..” He always used that excuse with you, being a girl of eighteen had more downs than ups, you sometimes wondered why everyone who was young couldn’t wait to turn eighteen, you frankly wanted to go back to being a kid again. “It’s six thirty, I can drive you home if you want?”

Shaking your head but staying silent you put your left foot in front of the other and started walking down the now lit street, the streets lights automatically came on around this time and you knew that your father was going to kill you for being out. It wasn’t even late yet they panicked if you weren’t in the house by five in the evening. Since your mothers ‘disappeared’ he hasn’t wanted the same to happen to you due to being the only thing left of her.

Sitting in front of the television watching your evening program your parents always let you watch before bed, you could hear them arguing like they did every day. The comfort of the teddy bears on the screen is all you had at the age of six, you held onto your stuffed bunny as you tried to drown out the shouting from the next room.

“I know they aren’t my kid you cheating whore!’’ You didn’t even understand what the words even meant at that point in your life, but you knew that they weren’t nice onces just from the tone of your father. Slowly turning around once you heard the door open you stared up at him with your glassy and wide eyes, his face turned soft once he looked at you. You were the innocent one in all of this, your mother wouldn’t admit to you not being your fathers even if it was the truth. Watching his every move until he was out of the front door, your mother was the next one to walk out.

“Come on you, let’s get you ready for bed” She acted as if that argument had never happened as she scooped you into her arms, the moment you wrapped your arms around her neck the ringing in both of your ears started. Her grip on you tightened in that moment and all you remembered was the blinding white light and the ringing. Your memory had gotten rid of the both of you going upwards to the ceiling and the details of the abduction. It was as if something didn’t want you to remember what happened that night. But part of you knew what had happened even if you couldn’t remember most of it. That’s what drove you insane.

Looking down at the watch on your wrist it read ‘7:00pm’, you were in for one hell of a lecture so you decided to take a short cut down the forest. You didn’t like the dark as it was but you knew if you took the long route it would be another hour till you got home. You wished you had taken those driving lessons from your father when he offered you them months ago. You would’ve been home by now if you had a car.

‘’I should’ve taken Officer Carter’s offer of a drive home..’’ You often talked to yourself in times off stress and annoyance but you didn’t want to rely on a man to help you with all your issues, even if it was as little as having no driving licence yet.

The snap of a twig caught your attention and goosebumps formed on your skin out of fear. Someone else was out in these woods. Taking slow steps, you made sure to pay close attention to every sound no matter how little it was. You didn’t know if this person was dangerous and you weren’t taking the risk of being kind if they decided to show themselves.

You made your way over to a bank in the forest, thanking god that you had even got this far without coming across the person that seemed to be in here with you, sliding down the bank your eyes caught side of a shadowy figure inbetween two trees. Your eyes didn’t leave the figure but the air got caught in your throat once you saw it run towards you. It’s arms reaching out for you as you fall on the bank floor due to trying to run backwards. Stupid.

‘’Please you need to help me!’’ The moonlight shone down on the figure as it quickly kneeled down beside you. Themale looked scared and you couldn’t help but go wide eyed due to him being in just a pair of boxer shorts. “I-I’m sorry I scared you, but I really need your help!”

“Okay! Okay! Just calm down..” The man in front of you took a few deep breaths once that left your mouth, him thanking you over and over again for your kindness to a stranger. “Just tell me who you are..”

“I’m going to sound crazy, I was taken by these things. I don’t remember much..”

“What’s your name..?” Your voice was timid and quiet but it was enough for the man in front of you to hear. He kept looking up at the sky then back at you and in that moment you knew what he was afraid off. Your mind wandered but in a good way, what if this man had experienced the same thing your mother had done in 1988? Or was he another homeless man looking for a home but pulling the heartstrings of a woman? You didn’t know but you believe the first question that was circling through your mind.

“Kit.. Kit Walker'' Your eyebrows furrowed once he told you his name. You recognised it from somewhere. Your brain was doing overtime trying to figure out where you had heard that name before, the last name you knew all too well. your neighbour, Julia, had the same last name and you thought she had mentioned a distant relative of some sort.

Maybe this was him? The next sentence he said gave it all away on who this man was. “You need to help me find my wife.. Alma..”

The sentence from Mrs Wilkins rang in your head like a bell ‘You’re turning into Julia’s mother Alma’

Maybe she wasn’t so crazy after all.

[the-necessary-unnecessary]

A list of all the films, series and web series that have been recommended as hidden must sees during isolation and beyond. 

Note: I have divided them into films with happy endings or not, series that haven’t finished so the exact ending is unknown I have put an asterisk (*) next to

Note 2: the descriptions are a mixture of my own and of the reviews I was sent by anons

She gets the girl

A Date For Mad Mary, 2016 (needs a date for a wedding, more about her complicated reconnecting with friends after prison but romance is cute)

Almost Adults, 2016 (centers around the broader themes of growing up and friendship but one of them is a giant gay. There is a happy ending for both the gay one and the straight one, gotta give the straights some food because they so rarely get fed)

Anne+, 2018* (Dutch webseries with fresh and new vibes with a great mid-twenties actress about mid-twenties gay lives. Everyone in it is LGBTQ+ yet nothing about it is LGBTQ+, it’s all just treated as natural and normal)

Bound, 1996 (you can't beat the lesbian noir classic which should one day be inducted into the lesbian hall of fame)

But I’m A Cheerleader, 1999 (camp and a lot of fun despite the very serious themes, starring Natasha Lyonne- one of the gayest straights out there)

Carmilla, 2014-16 (webseries based on the groundbreaking 19th century book. Some great chemistry and a lot of breaking of the fourth wall)

Carol, 2015 (Cate Blanchett movie based on the book The Price of Salt which caused issue when it was realised in 1952 because it gave its lovers a open ended happy ending)

Couple-Ish, 2015-16 (cute Canadian web series, bit on the nose but important gay, bi and enby rep)

Desert Hearts, 1985 (the looks, the emotions, the gorgeousness of them both, the chemistry, oh god it was so good. Vivian Bell deserves all the orgasms)

Elisa Y Marcela, 2019 (A Spanish film based on the true story of two women who got married with one of them pretending to be a man in 1901. A tearjerker but ultimately their love is stronger than the adversaries they face)

Entre Nous, 1983 (a French 1983 film which has Jews & Nazi's but doesn't end in complete horror. There are straights who think it’s a friendship but we know better)

Fingersmith, 2005 (BBC drama based on a book by Sarah Waters)

Fried Green Tomatoes, 1991 (based on a more obvious book, they’re sold as best friends but if you know you know)

Fucking Åmål, 1998 (one of the first films aimed at teenagers about two girls falling in love and getting together.)

Getrieben, 2018 (they're ex's and share a dog and then maybe they're not so ex anymore)

I Can't Think Straight, 2008 (cute romantic comedy adapted from a novel about a London-based Jordanian of Palestinian descent preparing for a wedding before events take a gay turn)

If These Walls Could Talk 2, 2000 (some happy and some sad endings in this film which portrays three generations of lesbian storylines from the same house)

Imagine Me and You, 2004 (not my fav but a classic and has Queen Cersei playing a wlw)

Kyss Mig, 2011 (heart eyes, a lovely film, does have maybe a bit too much man in it but he's gone when we get to the nitty gritty)

Our Love Story, 2016 (Korean, subtle nuanced relationship story)

Rosebud, 1996 (a channel 4 short with Julie Graham and questionable fashion choices. Who needs words when you can have such tantalising and vivid visuals? Teeny bit of man but it's fitting in the particular setting and its very fleeting, although admittedly nude)

Saving Face, 2004 (romantic comedy which had less of an impact that Imagine Me and You due to lesser known actors and probably partly to do with race- the main characters are Chinese-American. But it's a gorgeous movie that has a lot more than just rom com elements. The Half Of It is by the same director.

Sjukt Oklar, 2018* (very Swedish, very lesbian, very very funny)

Supervoksen, 2006 (Danish teenage coming of age type thing)

The Carmilla Movie, 2017 (based on the webseries but still accessible to those that haven’t watched it. Quite sweet and the actresses seem very comfortable with each other. Plus there is a great sex scene in it where the muscles on one of the girl’s back are especially sexy)

The World Unseen, 2007 (period film during South Africa's apartheid era with great chemistry)

The Handmaiden, 2016 (extremely nsfw but its got some incredibly powerful meaning to it especially the final sex scene with the bells. It's also incredibly shot and the sex scenes were done very sensitively on set with only women around and the director even in another room.)

Thelma, 2017 (a supernatural thriller about a girl starting college who suddenly starts getting seizures but they don’t know why and she has a female love interest)

Tipping The Velvet, 2002 (BBC series, also has a Victorian era strap on in it and Keeley Hawes, what's not to love?)

When Night is Falling, 1995 (An uptight and conservative woman, working as a literacy professor, finds herself attracted to a free-spirited, liberal woman who works at a local carnival. It’s got quite a lot of a boyfriend in it so its not for everyone.)

Yes or No, 2010 (literally a ‘and they were roommates’ movie as well as an enemies to lovers plot)

Zwischen Sommer Und Herbst, 2018 (coming of age elements, does have a man involved especially at the beginning, who happened to be the brother of one of the girls, but overall it was okay, no lesbians die and it doesn't end in abject misery)

She doesn’t get the girl but neither does the trope

Aimée and Jaguar, 1999 (based on a true story. Beautiful but painful, it’s a Jew falling for a German housewife in Nazi Germany, hence its sad as hell ending)

Bloomington, 2010 (coming of age, teacher student thing which walks that line relatively well without being too icky)

Freeheld, 2015 (an extremely powerful and important story to tell)

Gia, 1998 (Angelina Jolie gets it on with Elizabeth Mitchell in a moving film about model and lesbian Gia Carangi)

Kontrola, 2019* (a masterpiece of a mini web series with a great soundtrack, aesthetic and storyline. Season 2 may present a better future for them)

Mädchen in Uniform, 1931 (German cult classic almost entirely produced by women. Sexual awakening/teenage coming out of her shell stuff, there is also a 1958 redo which is okay. She doesn’t get the girl but it’s still a positive portrayal of sexuality where the object of desire isn't disgusted or weirded out by it)

My Summer of Love, 2004 (At first glance a coming of age movie, but has a lot of phycological elements too. Emily Blunt with a girl, not happy but no lesbians die)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire, 2019 (spell-bounding french film with amazing rawness and visuals. One of my best cinematographic experiences ever)

Reaching for the Moon, 2017 (the love story of the poet Elizabeth Bishop and the architect Soares in the 60s)

Snapshots, 2018 (sad ending but great chemistry with no closed mouthed straight girl kisses)

Summertime, 2015 (French lesbian movie- dare I say more? Sad but no deaths)

The Hunger, 1983 (a gothic cult classic, vampires, its got David Bowie, Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve in it)

The Miseducation of Cameron Post, 2018 (she doesn’t get the girl because there is no girl, but she does begin to find and accept herself. Based on a highly recommendable book by the same name)

Viola di Mare, 2009 (depressing as hell but beautiful to look and the couple have some good chemistry)

[centuriantalevevo]

A list of my MANY Draco Headcannons

Draco had an older sister who died a few weeks to a month before his first hear

His sister gave her life to save him, had she not done so, he would've been ran over. He watched her die in the hospital, after a few weeks of being in a ventilator (his father making them take her off of it), meaning he can see Thestrals.

He's bisexual and GNC (No! N O T Nonbinary. He's gender nonconforming, meaning he doesn't conform to gender roles), and is supportive of trans people, he has a younger cousin (the youngest of all his cousins) who is Trans (MtF) and woukd protect that girl with his life.

He finds Harry hot, and is jealous of him, but would not date him because he also hates him.

He can speak MULTIPLE languages, and is fluent in Japanese, he can speak conversational Japanese and can translate advanced slang. He can translate MASA songs, that tells you everything.

He has 3 different accents, he was born in Scotland grew up there for a time, then moved to Australia as a child, and then to Britain so he can do a Scottish, Australian and British accent. However, he cannot so an American accent and hates even attempting it.

He has a lot of exotic pets, a lot of tarantulas, snakes, even a few scorpions. He also has a dog, cat and horses. Of course he'd have horses, my mans he is filthy rich.

We're setting my headcannons in modern day setting, meaning like 2000s era, because it makes my life easier. With that said, as much as he makes himself out to hate all things muggle related, secretly he doesn't hate muggle things, he enjoys them but pretends he hates them because his father forces him to. He has a YouTube channel is amazing at using UTAU, Vocaloid, and other VSynths, he also works on his own VSynth and his own UTAU banks, he also is good at MMD.

If anyone dares misgender a trans person especially a trans person that is his family or friend, he will start a war

His mom is supportive of him and is the better parent. Draco favorites his mom over his dad

Megurien Luka is best girl to him and he would absolutely marry her if able to

When in around 3th year, some Icelandic kids asked him to help them start a language club, for those who wanted to learn languages, etc, because he knew the most languages, he agreed.

He's definitely had his fair share of boyfriends

Even though his father doesn't approve, he says fuck it down with approval

He more than likely finds Lil Nas X a little hot, same with CoryxKenshin and MacDoesIt, even if his gay cousin disagrees. I said what I said.

His first crush was a guy, back when he was about 9 to 10. That crush was his best friend as well, and a muggle at that. Unfortunately, the boy (who was also around his age), died of cancer. The boy was technically his first kiss. While in the hospital, the boy wanted to kiss a boy before he died, because that boy DEFINITELY knew he didn't like girls, Draco carried that for him. I made it sad didn't I?

His older sisters name was Alice

His cousins names, Oldest to Youngest, are Dominic, Darla, Demi and Jamie. Dominic is Gay, Darla is a Lesbian, Demi is Ace, and Jamie is a trans girl. Dominic and Darla are twins

Narcissa is SCARY when mad, and Draco is more likely to listen to her over Lucius

Draco loves playing Apex Legends-

He can speak Scots

This mans goes to Japan like every summer, he has some Japanese friends there, and goes to see Magical Mirai and NicoNicoCho Parties-

He likes playing VR Chat and often talks to the Japanese players, but also the French and Spanish players

He's trying to learn Chinese but is very butchered in the language

Since Hermione is a muggle, she definitely plays the game, and Draco has seen her in there over 100 times, and is often times speaking in Japanese when that happens so she never realizes.

He likes to insult her in game in various languages

This bitch made a freaking VTuber model you can't change my mind

He's good at math, and learned from his sisters friend Rowan (MAY OR MAY NOT be a reference to Hogwarts Mystery-)

He's Bipolar, has a hell of a lot of trauma, suffers from depression and has ADHD

He HAS been put in a mental facility quite a few times, and has tried to kill Lucius in his sleep

He has sleep paralysis

He definitely finds Blaise Zabini hot

He is unable to be canceled, he comes back from the grave

He hates Ron because, unlike Draco, Ron actually has siblings still (minus I think.. Fred dying, but Draco couod sympathize with George on that feeling), he's jealous if Ron because he still has his brothers and sister

My mans hates his dad so much holy crap

I plays a LOT of Project Diva and can complete a lot of songs on EXTREME and EXEXTREME mode

Common World Domination- he likes that song

His theme song(s): Rolling Girl, My Immortal, Unhappy Refrain, Unknown Mother Goose, Two-Faced Lovers, The Lost Ones Weeping, Futaride (The Two Of Us), World Is Mine

He loves Weekender Girl, Sadistic.Music♾Factory, and This Is The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee

He definitely knows all the English Lyrics for This Is The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee

He really wants to have like a Miku Expo or Magical Mirai esque show in Higwarts with nothing but the banks he has and holograms of them. Please just let him have holograms of the UTAU, VOCALOID, and SynthV Voicebanks he has- let this man's have a concert

Fuck you. Un-Dracos your Draco-

He absolutely goes to Pride and wants Hogwarts to have a Pride Month type of thing

He's a whole Atheist

I may or may not be projecting onto him

He's good at horse back riding

He plays piano

He for a while thought he was trans but just realized he's just GNC lol

We hate JK Rowling in this household

The Draco picture belongs to Anyeka, I just added the Bi pin and the background...

That's my lockscreen btw-

[nautilusopus]

do you have any favorite books?

Coraline by Neil Gaiman is the obvious answer lol. Still my favourite book to this day, obviously hugely influential in my own bullshit. Seriously check it out if you can find a copy, it’s pretty short and absolutely worth your time.

The Devil’s Storybook by Natalie Babbitt and its sequel (The Devil’s Other Storybook) are more of an anthology of short stories starring the Devil, who occupies every role from vague background presence to put-upon protagonist that are funny and thought-provoking and genuinely clever and that pissed enough people off that it was a banned book for a while. “The Imp in the Basket” is the kind of short story I wish more people knew about and wanted to sincerely discuss what actually happened at the end.

ugh i haven’t read a book i actually enjoyed in over ten years at this point uhhhhhh

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. I think potentially the only classic I had to read in school that I genuinely liked and actually finished in one sitting on my own time. And I think the first time any themes a book had for me actually clicked and I was able to do any kind of meta analysis of it completely unprompted. Baby’s first literary comprehension. Slaughterhouse-Five is a semi-autobiographical piece set during the bombing of Dresden in WWII, and also some period in the “future” (the 80s lol), and ALSO on an alien planet as the protagonist is abducted and taken to a human zoo. The story is told achronologically, and I feel is hugely influential to my own shit where it skips around, building a narrative almost entirely by juxtaposing specific moments in time against one another. It's surreal and thought-provoking, and if you only ever make yourself read one classic, it should be this one. *

Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH by Robert C. O'Brien. Bear in mind this thing has fuck-all to do with the movie, and while in retrospect I now am able to enjoy the Don Bluth movie as its own thing, I remember being fucking furious when they busted out a goddamn magical amulet. It’s a different kind of story, but is more magic realism than outright fantasy, and the titular rats get a lot more backstory, as does the late Mr. Frisby iirc.

The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo. God that book fucked me up. It is about a snotty porcelain toy rabbit that gets dropped overboard a ship into the ocean one day, and the various owners he has over the years as he changes hands, and the impacts they have on him, and it makes me fucking cry every time and is to date the only book to ever do so so fairly warned be ye. Fucking shit I wish I could dish out gut-punches half as good as that book could.

The His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman, which in and of itself is an angry rebuttal against everything the Chronicles of Narnia has to say, as well as Christianity in general. You’ve probably seen shit floating around about the HBO series, which I have not watched. Lyra is a horrible gremlin child running wild around a parallel universe Oxford until she accidentally stumbles onto a conspiracy that goes all the way to the Church which unofficially runs the government and eventually starts an interdimensional war against God. The first two books I think are better than the last one, which really drags in spots (and in a twist of irony had Lyra’s sexual awakening censored from the North American release which like... come on man). Absolutely worth checking out though, especially if you’re an angry pedant like I am.

Tales from the House of Bunnicula, by James Howe. Honestly the entire "Bunnicula Expanded Universe"(???) is great, but in particular I'm mentioning this sub-series because I think it actually kind of taught me to write. The framing device used is that they're being written by Howe's pet dog and sent in to him to publish by proxy. On top of having just a lot of good storytelling tips for beginners (how to create a plot! how to create character motivations! how to write female characters like actual people!), they're also fun little satire pieces of various kinds of genre fiction. Like, the third book is a riff on Harry Potter and making fun of all of JKR's worst writing tendencies, like her compulsion to phonetically write out everyone's fucking accent.

these days i'm just too picky to enjoy books anymore idfk. you have no idea how fucking disheartening it was growing up with actual taste (snooty snooty snoot) and watching everyone go nuts over stuff like divergent and eragon and maximum ride and fuckmothering twilight and shit. like, yeah misogyny absolutely played into why people shat on it because teenage girls aren't allowed to like anything, but lest we forget they were still shitty books guys. that never stopped being true or anything. and you were a social pariah if you didn't like them and that sucked. and then a couple ostensibly good series, like harry potter and artemis fowl and hunger games just dropped the fucking ball for one reason or another as they went on and never picked it back up. i think the mid 2000s almost singlehandedly just killed any real enthusiasm i had for reading altogether (this is not even getting into the fact a lot of really fucking bad "grown-up" novels came out around that period too. whole era was a baaaad time for books). so here i am writing, i guess, because i've decided you fuckers can't be trusted to make anything good yourselves. if you want something done right...

(*I like to think if Cloud wrote a book he’d write something like Slaughterhouse-Five. I think at one point I was even working on a fic along those lines -- a fictional story vaguely based off the burning of Nibelheim and the fall of Shinra that was written, in-universe, by Cloud several years later. Abandoned it just because of how fucking complicated it would be to do. Might come back to it one day.)

[bethanysnow]

Red Empress.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nKqslNcYAE&t=1762s

(Inspired by above playlist)

“-And who are you?” 

    “OH HI YOU ARE REAL!?” The ‘hero’ yelled in shock. 

“Yes, I’m real. And what do you want? You interrupted me watching British Bake off…” 

    “..wait, you’re not gonna...shoot me? With like, a freeze ray, or cut my head off. Send dogs after me, none of that?” 

“...Do you want me to hero?” 

    “NO! I uh I mean no. Ma’am-” 

“Then what the fuck do you want…I am busy.” 

The hero looked up to a woman similar to what he had expected. She had black hair, wore gold jewelry, and glasses sat on her nose. But the person in front of him? The Terror of the 9 Hells, Dante’s Apprentice, The Red Empress? Wasn’t there. She had a grey cardigan on, yoga pants. She looked down at the little hero with disdain and an air of condescension. Like he was trying to sell her girl scout cookies and doing a bad job at it. The hero looked at his research. Scribbled into a composition notebook was the address of what he thought was the evil lair to the greatest supervillain of their era.

    “I am a future hero, or I want to be-” She raised a hand, cutting him off. 

“-So you came down to my apartment, which by the way is super creepy. How you got my address I do not know. Then decide to knock on my door. Knowing who I am, you still did so. Did you think this was a good idea?” Slightly amused look fixed onto her face. 

    “No, I don’t think it was a good idea. But I need to know.” He said with all the sincerity in his heart. “My grandma, she loves you. Has some of your newspaper clippings on her wall. She won’t shut up about you. Saying ‘there weren’t any more good heroes today’. Google just showed me all your recent stuff about how bad you are. You disappeared for like...10 years. Then came back a villain.”   

She looked him over. Grabbed his notes out of his hand despite his protests. Flipping through pages she takes a red pen from behind her ear and starts writing in his book. Once she hands it back, it's annotated. Edited. Like how a teacher reviews a paper from a student. Leaning on the doorway she looks into the hall. 

“Kay-” Standing back up on her feet she opens the door all the way pushing him in. “-You get until my episode of Bake off is done. C’mon kid.” Grabbing a fistful of his hoodie she leads him to her living room. 

The apartment looked over all of Manhattan. Marble floors, red plush furniture. Bookshelves dotted with ‘souvenirs’. Some he recognized as heroes' weapons and memorabilia. A stone head looked in fear out into the room. The head was of the previous ‘supervillain’ from the 50s. A silver glove with runes carved into the surface glowed as the hero passed. A gun from the ‘Manhattan Mad Hatter’. A drugged out ultra-rich chemist who made it his mission to destroy and flatten everything from here to Tokyo in the 00’s. 

“You want to talk, kid, or do you wanna look at the knick knacks?” 

    “Right!” He blurted, going to the couch next to her. A small brown dachshund curled into a ball on her lap. “Where did you go for ten years?” 

“Rehab, Therapy for a bit. Um, Austria. Russia for a while. Went to Tasmania. Seattle. Mainly Rehab though-” 

    “-For ten years?” 

She smirked. “You try being a hero for 30 some odd years and not have a drug problem. The 60s and 70s everyone was...disposed. In something. Or someone. There was always a cult to join, doctrine to follow, party to go to. Lots of those Heroes from the glory days died from cocaine, or other drugs. The cops shot the bodies so they could report that they died in the line of fire.” A dark and far away quality clouded her eyes. “-10 years for rehab after seeing your friends, coworkers, freaks of nature you got to call family die? Sounds reasonable to me. I spent the 80s in a fog. God knows what I really did.” 

    “Oh....” 

She scoffed. “Yea- oh! They don’t tell ya that in history class do they?” 

    “No, Ma’am…” 

“Thought as much.” 

    “You were a hero though! Post WWII there were comics, radio stations, songs, all praising you. Some I saw where you punched a Nazi and went for ice cream after. Don’t take this the wrong way please. I would like to get home today, but you look like you’re in your 30s. You should be 90 somethin” 

“That I did do- but ya. And who said I wasn’t 90 somethin? You ever hear that fuckin super solider bullshit? They made Rogers and Bucky do? Where did you think the research was tested? They had to go from somewhere and I dunno...I had the day off.” She shrugged. Her face flickered with rage when mentioning the previous heroes. “And look where it got them, Steve is dead, and Bucky is off with some fuckin retirement bullshit. At least I didn’t retire! I got a job to do, I got taxes to pay.” 

    “...you pay taxes????” The boy looked at her very confused. 

“I am a villain, not an asshole.” 

She started to pet her dog, them nuzzling into her hand. 

    “So you became a villain- came back in 2000. Crashed the Met Gala. Stole the artifacts on display. Crashed a car. Set fire to buildings- why?” 

“Ah- the age old question.-” She looked at him. Took a minute of silence with her. The air slowly left the room he felt. Under the steely gaze of the most deadly woman in the world. 

“I got tired. Of being owned, propped up, posed, told what to say. The Hero's Union, a committee of people ‘sworn to protect the sanctity of Heroes’ and what they represent and fight for’ never was actually there for us. Type casted us into America's sweetheart, Funny side character. Big strong hero to save the day. Every interview I ever did as a ‘hero’ was never my actual words. I would have been a fuckin amazing actress I’ll give ya that. Smile and tell the people watching not to panic. Not to worry. Us ‘Hero’s got it handled. We were let to suffer unbeknownst to the general public. ‘Lady Justice’? She was 5 months pregnant and the Union wouldn’t let her stop the missions. She ended up having a miscarriage due to stress and what they were putting her body through. It's not just her, it's everyone.” 

    “So why not just quit? If it was that bad, go on strike or something.” 

“That's easy for you civilians to say. You can strike when you work a normal 9 to 5. You can quit your job. You can move on. But as I said, little hero. I was out there for 30 somethin years. Punching Nazis, saving people. Being a Hero. When you are made basically immortal and are a freak of nature- there are things you learn you cannot do anymore. I can’t drive a car. I can’t work out without all the machines sparking out on me and breaking. No one wants to hire a freak now do they? There is no ‘pensioners plan’ for elderly heroes.” 

    “I guess not…You don’t seem all that Villainous to me though.” He says with a giant smile on his face. Ever the optimist. 

She rolled her eyes, focusing on her show. 

He looked closer at her face. Grey eyes with blue flecks. Slightly salt and peppering at the sides. She looked strong, obvious defined biceps and calves. Her neck and arms were covered in scars. A long scar ran from her forehead down her face leading in a curve to her jaw on one side. The red pen stuck behind her ear. Big 70s aviator glasses. Before he knew what was happening his hands were bound behind his back and his face was being pressed into the cold floor. She had not changed her position. 

“You keep staring at me kid things will go badly for you.” She spoke not looking away from the TV in front of her. “-I don’t look evil, sure. But I will ask you.” 

“What does ‘Evil’ look like? I was once a hero too.”

[365days365movies]

April 9, 2021: Some Like it Hot (1959) (Recap: Part One)

If there was ever a movie more hyped than this one...

Ever heard of the American Film Institute? Well, according to them in 2000 (recent, I know), this is the funniest comedy...period. At the time, anyway. That beats Tootsie (getting there), Dr. Strangelove (love it), Annie Hall (also loved it), Duck Soup (classic), Blazing Saddles (classic, topical, and fantastic), M*A*S*H (maybe later this year), It Happened One Night (maybe next year), The Graduate (later this WEEK), and...THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN Airplane! IS NUMBER 10? You CANNOT be seri...yeah, OK, you know where I’m going.

Anyway. Yeah, so, maybe AFI has Oscar syndrome, because that’s a little bullshit. So, uh...how about the BBC? In 2017, they asked 253 film critics ACROSS THE GLOBE what the best comedy of all time was, and number ONE was Some Like it Hot. Other than beating Airplane! again, it also beat Groundhog Day, Monty Python’s Life of Brian and Monty Python and the Holy Grail, This is Spinal Tap, The Big Lebowski, and His Girl Friday, and...well, every comedy you can think of. This movie CANNOT be that funny.

...Can it?

But there’s more to this film than that. Apparently, it was made without the approval of the MPPDA, which means that it wasn’t Hays Code adherent! Damn! In fact, this film was partially responsible for its collapse about 6 years later! But what is the Hays Code? Well, briefly covered, it was a set of standards laid out by Will Hays and his Motion Picture Produces and Distributors of America, or the MPPDA. It was enforced in the mid 1930s, and stood firmly in place until 1968, when it basically disappeared.

So, what are these standards? Well, there are a lot, but in a nutshell:

No cursing or taking the Lord’s name in vain in any way.

No nudity, real or suggested. And sex is kind of OK, if consensual and between a man and a woman ONLY. But, they can’t be in bed together, and they can only kiss one time, IF one of them isn’t a villain.

No weddings, no wedding nights, and barely any reference to marriage.

No prostitution, or what was called “white slavery”. Yes. Really.

Oh, also, no weird race-mixing stuff. What’s a “civil rights”?

Buuuuuuut...don’t insult any races either. Of course, considering the time period, “insult” or “offense” is probably subjective, so...fuck that, I guess.

PRIESTS ARE HOLY AND CANNOT BE MOCKED

No guns, fire, American flags, murder, smuggling, drugs, hanging, electrocution, or...law enforcement?

No childbirth, seen or inferred, and no naked kids. I mean...that’s common sense, to be completely fair.

NO RACE-MIXI-oh. Oh, I said that already, didn’t I? Well, OK, I’ll pare it down a little. They can’t have sex, but I guess...looking at each other is OK? Yeah, yeah, we’ll go with that. I’m progressive!

That about covers it. And this movie wasn’t adherent to it? Oh...well, I am excited! Let’s jump right in! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

The whole thing starts with a bang; literally. It's Chicago in 1929, smack dab in the middle of the Prohibition Era, and a group of gangsters are smuggling some alcohol inside of a coffin, while riding in a hearse. The cops aren't fooled, ad a shootout takes place between the gangsters and the cops, but they eventually drop off as the group takes the coffin into a funeral home. At the funeral home, a man named “Toothpick” Charlie (George E. Stone) meets with Mulligan (Pat O’Brien) a detective who’s got Charlie as his informant. With his help, he makes his way into the funeral home, actually a speakeasy in disguise.

Said speakeasy is run by “Spats” Colombo (George Raft), and within the speakeasy is a massive party, which the partygoers call a funeral. Spats arrives there shortly afterwards, and Mulligan watches all the while. Also at this party is a group of dancers accompanied by a band, which contains two partners, ladies’ man and sax player Joe (Tony Curtis) and anxious double bassist Jerry (Jack Lemmon).

The two talk about what they’re going to do with their upcoming paycheck, with Joe planning on using it for gambling on dog races. Jerry is understandably worried about this, as they owe rent, but Joe rattles off other things that he might was well worry about.

Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn! Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.

Fun fact, though: the stock market’s about to crash in a year, Pickford and Fairbanks divorce in 1936, and the Dodgers left Brooklyn in 1957, famously. Lake Michigan has not overflowed...YET. It’s actually at record high water levels, and could cause flooding around it in the next few years. So, although those middle three were DEFINITELY part of the joke...that last one wasn’t at the time. Of course, it’s actually there as a line to set Jerry up with a way to tell him that the streets are “about to flood”, as he spots Mulligan and makes him. He tells Joe, and they both quietly pack up their instruments and leave, BEFORE the ruckus is about to begin.

And begin it does, and the cops raid the place almost immediately afterwards. As the party’s broken up and people are loaded into the paddywagon (Spats included), Joe and Jerry take their chance to escape behind the cops’ backs. However, this also means that the two musicians aren’t getting paid after all. Joe’s still set on betting money on the dog the next day, and get the money for the bet by selling their coats. However, while they do sell their coats, they instead end up looking for jobs at a local music agency, run by Sig Poliakoff (Billy Gray). 

The agency is recruited by band owner Sweet Sue (Joan Shawlee) and her nebbish band manager Bienstock (Dave Barry), as they need a bass and a sax player to replace two of their own, in their band in Florida. On hearing this from Poliakoff’s secretary Nellie (Barbara Drew), the two barge into the office. However, much to their dismay, the only ones they’re looking for are women. While Jerry tries to weasel their way in, it doesn’t quite work, and they instead take a job up north for a Valentine’s Day dance. The two go to a garage to borrow a car from Nellie in order to get to the job. There, playing cards, is Toothpick Charlie with a group of men. But then...somebody else arrives.

Spats and his men arrive at the garage, and tell all of the men to stand with their hands on the wall. Joe and Jerry, however, manage to hide in the garage. And if you know anything about Valentine’s Day during Prohibition Era Chicago...then you know exactly what’s about to happen to Toothpick and the guys.

After the massacre (based upon the real St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, Jerry makes a noise and alerts the gang to their presence. This is a problem, because Spats isn’t keen on the idea of witnesses, and immediately orders the musicians killed.With a distraction caused by the still-alive-but-dying Charlie, the two manage to escape Spats’ wrath. Now needing a fast way out of town, Joe figures out a plan. See, that job, the one from Sweet Sue, is in Florida, which is far enough away that they should be able to escape. But, uh...the band is only looking for women. And so...

This is the second most famous thing about the film. Meet Josephine and Daphne, the female aliases of Joe and Jerry respectively. As Jerry realizes the difficulties of the female wardrobe (namely skirts and heels), the two walk up to the band of women, known as “Sweet Sue and her Society Syncopators.” But they aren’t the only arrivals, and the other is the MOST famous thing about this movie...

This is Sugar “Kane” Kowalczyk, the lead singer, ukelele player, and...OK, look, it’s Marilyn Monroe, and I think I need to acknowledge this now. Marilyn Monroe is an underrated talent today, but she had a hell of a lot of potential as an actress and as an individual. She had a lot of troubles, and her early death by suicide is an absolute tragedy, no matter how you slice it. She’s a talented actress and singer, and she deserves recognition for that.

SHE IS ALSO INSANELY HOT I’M SORRY I’M WEAK

Look...it’s Marilyn fucking Monroe, OK? I know, I’m a straight cissexual man, but I wanted to make a point to acknowledge the fact that Marilyn Monroe is a talent far outside of her beauty and physicality. She (and all women) deserve that much, and deserve not to be objectified by the male gaze. I genuinely agree with this, and I do understand that concept. I’ll never personally understand the female experience, but it’s my responsibility and duty as an individual to understand experiences foreign to my own, including this one.

But DEAR LORD, her physicality is not easy to ignore, now and then! I mean COME ON! The woman’s considered a standard of classic beauty to this day by many (not by all, and not by herself), and it’s unfortunately her most famous feature to nearly everybody. But, of course, Monroe got a lot of grief for her looks as well (which is bullshit), and the stress of her life sadly led to her terrible suicide. But that doesn’t mean that her beauty inside and out shouldn’t be appreciated for what it is: beauty.

ALSO SHE IS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS I’M WEAK I KNOW

See, the train agrees with me! Oh...OH RIGHT, THE MOVIE! OK, where was I. Well, Joe and Jerry agree with me about Sugar Kane, but it is the 1950′s when the film is made, so of course they do. They watch her get on, and they follow suit, meeting the women of the band, and Sugar Kane. Sugar, see, has a teensy bit of an alcohol problem. That’s not necessarily to say she’s an alcoholic, but she is admonished for it by Sweet Sue and Bienstock, also being a repeat offender of drinking during working hours. That (and men) is something that Sweet Sue doesn’t tolerate.

She’s almost in trouble that night, when her flask falls from her stocking during a performance. However, Jerry covers for her, much to her appreciation. As they settle in for the night, all of the girls (including Joe and Jerry) sleep in the same cabin, much to the, uh, frustration of Jerry, despite Josephine’s urgings to keep it together. As Jerry continually reminds himself that he’s posing as a girl, he’s surprised that night with the appearance of Sugar, who comes to thank her for her help that night. Sugar tells “Daphne” that she owes her one, and also climbs into the cot with him to hide from Sweet Sue. Jerry...that poor mother fucker.

Well, Jerry tries to ease the tension by offering some of Joe’s whisky. But more of the girls overhear this, and eventually, a massive party erupts, with all the girls mixing drinks and sharing the single space of Jerry’s bed. Joe wakes up from all of this, and tries to help end the party, only for Sugar to climb out of it, and ask Joe for help with a block of ice for the drinks.

It’s here that she reveals that she used to work with men’s bands, but joined this band to get away from men. This is especially to get away from her weakness: tenor sax players. This intrigues Joe, the tenor sax player. However, she’s essentially sworn off of tenor sax players because of multiple bad relationships, and is instead hoping to find a millionaire in Florida, preferably one with a yacht. Meanwhile, Jerry’s bed is getting a little too full, and the girls are getting a little TOO familiar. They start to tickle him, and to prevent his cover being blown, Jerry pulls the train’s emergency brake. All of the girls scatter as the train stops, and they manage to get away with the party as Sweet Sue and Bienstock wake up only then.

The train gets to Florida, and the girls make their way into a hotel. As they check in, Jerry (as Daphne) is spotted by Osgood Fielding III (Joe E. Brown), a millionaire, and a man with eclectic tastes in women. And those tastes apparently include Daphne, as he unsubtly (and unwantedly) hits on her. And Jerry’s having none of it. After Osgood pinches him in the elevator, he gets off after slapping him. Unfortunately, that makes Osgood only want Daphne THAT MUCH MORE. This man...this man may just be the legendary alpha simp of which the stories tell.

Meanwhile, Joe manages to get ahold of Beinstock’s luggage and glasses. He steals his clothes (after fending off an overeager bellboy), and uses them to dress as a millionaire. Why? Why, to seduce Sugar, of course!

This is right at the halfway point, so we’ll pick this up in Part Two! See you there!

[adultswim2021]

Captain Sturdy: The Originals | July 6, 2003 - 11:30 PM | Special

The least-thought-about Adult Swim special of all time, maybe. Captain Sturdy actually began life as a Cartoon Network What-A-Cartoon. That episode is titled “Back in Action” and this is a direct follow-up, more-or-less. It truly is a second attempt at a pilot as the drawing style and the characters have been tweaked slightly, but it does show a progression in the story of Captain Sturdy. In the first installment, his pension check stops showing up after his super-hero union raises the retirement age so they can pilfer the pension fund and build a new high-tech super-hero hang-out building. This context actually does enhance this installment, which just starts with the elderly Captain Sturdy just throwing himself into superheroics. One might assume he’d just never retired.

I’m not a huge fan of the animation style which was more-or-less the house style of most Cartoon Network originals, but I do think it can be done well. Really, it’s not my intention to trash that Cartoon Network style. Despite not being my favorite, there are still shows and directors and moments that make use of it well. You know what I mean? That late-90s/early-2000s intentionally-cheap-but-hopefully-still-beautiful-and-stylistic kinda thing they did that *sorta* harkens back to the Hanna Barbera cartoons of a bygone era but, you know, animated even more cheaply and usually on computers? Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I thought the first short was kinda ugly but had some very specific stylistic choices that I respected. There are individual shots that are pretty impressive. For example, that first short ends with an evil robot destructo-beam satellite that looks like something out of Samurai Jack. The humor is okay for a kids show, and honestly that’s about all I can say. The second pilot was billed as a sincere attempt to rejigger the show for an adult audience but there’s not much difference between either version. This short ends kinda anti-climatically, with them fighting with an equally elderly villain in his garage mostly over a misunderstanding. This show is almost like if Venture Bros. didn’t improve after the pilot. In fact, the first pilot gets into a lot of the bureaucratic nonsense that Venture Bros. eventually gets into with the Guild of Calamitous Intent stuff. If I’m being honest, that’s not my favorite stuff in Venture Bros., either.

The most notable exclusion between the first and second pilot is a PC-MAN character, who wimpily scolds his more fascistic colleagues for being insensitive. In 2021 my inner-edgelord is definitely unironically fed up with political correctness, sure, but this kind of satire seems like the domain of unfunny garbage makers like The Babylon Bee. I’m not even sure if I can recall how fresh this would’ve seemed in 2000. Most modern, right-leaning jokes about woke culture look terrible when you compare it to stuff like PC-Man; they are PRACTICALLY EXACTLY THE SAME EXACT JOKES. Personally, I don’t wanna make hating politically correct retards my whole identity. Just learn how to steal the blackface episodes of your favorite shows, put them on a Plex server and shut the fuck up about it.

MAIL BAG

Continuing a thread from last night’s big bad mail bag:

Close! But it's SEA not See. Here's question 2: The color of Master Shake's milkshake is?

It’s like, bad. I remember it being a bad color. What do I win

Try this number 1-800-CALL-A-HOE, If you hear yourself on the other line, then you are da hoe.

Why did you send this twice! I’m starting to think that YOU are the one who is... the hoe

I have some genuine dirt on a certain adult swim personality but I don't feel comfortable sharing except through a code: "68 61 62 65 75 73 20 63 6f 72 70 75 73 20 68 61 72 76 65 79 20 61 74 74 6f 72 6e 65 79 0a" copy that code into a Hex To ASCII Text generator and find out and tell me if you think it's true.

YOU PISS ME OFF! STOP IT! nobody follow this guy’s instructions (You can tell it’s a GUY too no WOMAN would ever stoop to such lows). You make me sick. That’s all there is too it, okay?

What classic era Cartoon Network programs did you like? I liked Johnny Bravo and Dexter but never watched Cow and Chicken. Courage and Ed, Edd, and Eddy were past my "cartoon for kids" prime. You?

You know, I never FULLY got into those shows, I’ll be honest. I was a casual liker of Dexter and Powerpuff Girls and I mostly avoided Bravo but it could be great on occasion. I didn’t get Cartoon Network until real late so before I had it I was beholden to the meager repeats that would air on TNT. I remember liking Cow & Chicken but I think it sucks now. I gave Ed, Edd & Eddy a sincere try but I never liked it that much. I was always impressed with Courage but only saw it randomly.

I did really love 2 Stupid Dogs. Technically this was a TBS original. THAT really hit at the right time age-wise. Way underrated.

From London Arbuckle:

remember the pipe camp episode of tom mayor? remember?

I always thought that episode was one of the weaker ones and was baffled by the fact that they made shirts of it. People liked to say Tommy Mayor was a love-it or hate-it thing but I remembered loving the first episode and hating the second one, making me one of the most valuable thinkers of the 20th century.

[rawiswhore]

Triple H, Shawn Michaels x Fem Reader- "Chain Gang"

I hope I don't offend anyone who has this disorder, but the World Wrestling Federation's Attitude era during the late 90's and early 2000's was pure histrionic personality disorder TV.

What is histrionic personality disorder?

A disorder in which people exhibit attention seeking behavior, talks dramatically with strong opinions, acting inappropriate and provocative as well as sexual, and uses appearance to gain attention.

Let's see...the World Wrestling Federation's Attitude era had the following: 2 men shedding their boxer shorts to reveal themselves in thongs, a porn star getting his penis cut off (not really, but...), 2 of the faces of the company are notorious potty mouthed trash talkers that sound like a machine gun going off when they cut promos, a sex addict revealing he lost his virginity to his sister at 8 years old as well as admitting he had sex with his sister 2 days before a therapy session, one wrestler crucifying another wrestler (albeit not on a cross), a woman falling out of the ring and having a miscarriage, a man falling off of the top of a titantron (not Owen Hart), a woman ripping the top of another woman to reveal her naked uncovered breasts, a group of people invading another wrestling company they're not a part of and blowing up CNN headquarters, that same group of people cutting a promo in blackface, an incestuous "Leave it To Beaver" parody, a man interrupting a funeral and riding on top of a casket (albeit not having sex with it), a woman flashing the audience her breasts and another woman taking her shirt off to reveal hand prints painted over her tits, as well as women wearing bikinis that left nothing to the imagination and a cross dresser who entered the ring dressed as everything from 90's shock rocker Marilyn Manson to a Christmas tree while being the sex slave to a Wendy O. Williams-lite.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg to the Attitude era.

90% of what was done in the Attitude era was not just to get with the times, but for shock value as well as to beat another wrestling company in the ratings, that other wrestling company was WCW.

Although, do you think moments like a man finding out his dinner is his pet dog, a sex addict revealing he lost his virginity to his sister, an incestuous "Leave it To Beaver" parody, and a woman having a miscarriage going to make people want to watch wrestling?

No, it initiates wrestling's bad reputation and even most of the lowest common denominator audience that wrestling's fanbase is associated with would find these things offensive and tacky.

You could also say the Attitude era is antisocial personality disorder as well as oppositional defiant disorder television since APD is about disregarding right from wrong and disregarding the feelings for others, whereas ODD involves rebelling and refusing to do rules, annoying others and being frequently angry.

And again, the Attitude era involved a man interrupting a funeral and riding a casket, that same man kidnapping and killing someone's dog and feeding it to its owner, 2 of the faces of the company are a trashtalking redneck and guido throwing insults at everyone, a psychopath who poured gasoline on people and almost killed them, a man drugging a woman and marrying her through a drivethru wedding while unconscious, a group of rebellious people bombing CNN and urinating on other people's motorcycles, a woman forced to strip and bark like a dog, and women being degraded.

Plus, the Attitude era's face of the company rebelled and tormented his boss and their most popular faction would try to annoy and piss off other people as well as refuse to follow rules.

The company called itself WWF Attitude, for fuck's sake!

The World Wrestling Federation really underwent a makeover by the end of the 1990's, becoming much more edgier, violent, sexual, shocking and adult like than the previously kid friendly cartoon WWF of yore.

In 1998, specifically near the start of the year, on a "Monday Night Raw" episode, after the audience heard a Zach De La Rocha from Rage Against the Machine knockoff ask "Are you ready?", the crowd immediately got out of their seats and loudly cheered.

As the entrance music began playing while the television screen cut between shots of the words "D Generation X" and footage of police officers running in the streets and strippers in bikinis dancing around, right after the Zach De La Rocha knockoff shouted "Break it Down!", you, Shawn Michaels and Triple H had entered and walked into the arena.

Shawn didn't have any facial hair on his face and had his long hair hanging down, not tied back in a ponytail or in little braids, Triple H, too, had his long block locks hanging down.

They were both dressed in black leather jackets with matching black pants.

You, on the other hand, were wearing a black leather bra with a matching black thong and black pleather boots that went up to your knees.

You had a leather black collar wrapped around the bottom of your neck, two thin silver chains were attached to your collar, and Triple H and Shawn were holding onto those chains with one of their hands.

The outfit you wore was the same outfit Madonna wore in a 1995 calendar.

Shawn and Triple H helped pull and escort you into the arena and to the ring, though they weren't trying to suffocate you when they pulled the chains on your collar.

The audiences eyes weren't just on Shawn Michaels and Triple H, but rather you, dressed in that black leather thong and bra.

Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross pretended to be shocked sitting at the commentary table, their eyes nearly bugging out of their sockets.

Jerry Lawler was smiling from ear to ear and shrieking his throat out over you half naked, whereas Jim was at a loss for words.

The males in the audience are getting a massive kick out of you dressed in that thong and bra, cheering even louder when you strolled to the ring, a few of them even making "wolf whistles" at you.

The camera was zooming in on your neck having a collar wrapped around it as well as thin little chains attached to it, showing the people watching it on television what you have around your neck.

Despite that you had a collar around your neck and was being pulled by chains, you weren't crawling on all fours to the ring like a dog, that would be even more degrading.

Your facial expression you had on your face wasn't like you were embarrassed, but you kept a straight, serious face, your mouth having a slight smirk on it.

You marched and strolled down that ring like you weren't nervous or embarrassed, almost walking like you were proud.

When you, Triple H and Shawn had approached the ring, you lifted one of your feet off of the floor and placed it on the trampoline, only to slide yourself under the ropes.

Triple H and Shawn followed suit, lifting their feet off of the floor and planting their feet on the trampoline.

Their fingers wrapped around and grabbed one of the upper ropes, lifting that rope over their heads and ducked their head under that rope.

You as well as Triple H and Shawn lifted your other foot off of the floor and placed it on the trampoline, lifting both of their feet as well as yours over the ropes.

Triple H and Shawn let go of the ropes, where they walked towards the middle of the ring, still holding on to the chains attached to your collar, where you walked behind Trips and Shawn, walking behind them.

When you, Shawn and Triple H stood in the middle of the ring, eventually Shawn pulled a microphone out of his pocket and turned it on by his thumb pushing the volume to the "on" switch, putting that microphone up to his lips.

"Cut the music!" Shawn shouted, to which D Generation X's entrance music stopped playing.

The camera filmed down your body, examining your body again.

"Are those chains around her neck?" Jerry Lawler asked.

Some women and teen girls in the audience are absolutely disgusted seeing you having those chains on your neck.

Shawn and Triple H proceeded to cut a promo in the ring, whereas you were looking at them both smiling and grinning at them.

Soon, you sunk yourself down until your head was in front of Triple H's crotch, you were squatting in the middle of the ring.

The camera zoomed in on you in front of Triple H's crotch as well as Triple H's hands unbuttoning his jeans, which got a massive shriek and pop from the females in the audience.

He then pulled the zipper of his jeans down, though he really wasn't gonna expose himself on television.

"She's not gonna do what I think she'll do?" Jerry asked.

Right after he said that, while you had a grin plastered to your face, you leaned into Triple H's crotch and buried your face into the fly area of his jeans, your face and mouth looked like you were giving him a blowjob.

Despite that his cock wasn't really in your mouth (though you wish it was), you were pretending to look like you really were giving him head.

This made the audience's jaws drop, their eyes bugging wide, many of the men in the audience cheering and roaring for you, some of them even wolf whistling at you.

"By Gawd!" Jim Ross said, pretending to be shocked.

Your hands grabbed onto the sides of Triple H's jeans, though you didn't pull his jeans down.

Triple H didn't have any underwear on under his jeans, so it looked like he really was getting blown.

The camera zoomed out and filmed you looking like you're giving head, showing the back of your head in front of Triple H's crotch whereas Triple H pretended to act like he was getting a blowjob, his eyes rolling around his head and leaning his head back, sometimes even moaning.

The camera filmed you from behind as well as on your sides.

You swallowed whilst pretending to suck Triple H's dick, acting like you're gulping his cum down.

The camera zoomed on the side of your neck and head while you gulped.

"I think I saw her swallow!" Shawn exclaimed, pointing to your neck, which got the people in the audience cheering for this. "You could poke an eye out with that thing and she's taking it down her throat!"

Shawn then pointed to Triple H's crotch when he mentioned how you can poke an eye out with the massive size of Triple H's penis.

Triple H's hands joined together a few inches above his crotch and formed an "x" shape at his wrists.

"Suck it!" he exclaimed, slightly thrusting his crotch forward in your face.

The audience got a massive pop from this, especially the males, getting out of their seats and cheering for Triple H shouting that, a few men's hands forming "x" shapes in front of their crotches and crotch chopping in solidarity.

Shawn has been was cornered around you and Trips, looking down at you and smiling from ear to ear.

Shawn cackled after he heard Triple H shout DX's iconic signature catchphrase, cackling like Ted Debiase Sr.'s iconic laugh.

"Maybe she can suck me off too!" Shawn stated, which got another huge pop from the audience, both male and female.

Men were roaring and cheering for Shawn whereas women were shrieking.

Triple H's eyes looked at Shawn while his mouth smirked hearing Shawn's suggestion.

"Wait a minute!" Triple H interrupted, to which his eyes turned back to you looking like you're blowing him off.

Triple H's hands separated from each other and made chopping motions at his cum gutters as they're known, his hands forming a "v" shape line this time.

Triple H doesn't need to shout what this gesture means, the audience knows about it already.

Your eyes continued to look up at Triple H, your eyes wide and doe-like, sometimes your mouth even moaning whilst you pretended to suck him off.

After a while, Shawn tapped you on your shoulder, which made you turn your head and look at Shawn.

Shawn's hands joined together and formed an "x" shape above his crotch, his mouth smiled from ear to ear.

You know what that means now.

You then walked on your knees on the trampoline to Shawn, where he proceeded to unbutton and unzip his jeans.

This made the women in the audience get out of their seats and shriek, hoping to see his penis.

Shawn's hands then formed an "x" shape at the wrist above his crotch again, not needing to even shout "suck it!".

With a grin on your face, you leaned your face to his crotch and buried your face in the unzipped area of his jeans, where you looked like you were giving him a blowjob, but surprisingly wasn't.

Like Triple H, Shawn wasn't wearing any underwear under his jeans, this helped this storytelling look more realistic.

Speaking of Triple H, Trips was zipping his jeans back up and buttoning his pants, much to the dismay of the women in the audience.

Shawn leaned his head back and pretended to look like you really were giving him head, pretending to have an orgasm, closing his eyes and smiling.

The audience was cheering for you sucking him off, some men in the audience were even chanting "suck it!" over and over again as well as crotch chopping along with it.

Shawn shut his eyes and bit his bottom lip while you pretended to give him head, your throat still swallowing nothing but air.

Triple H was smiling and laughing while he watched you looking like you're giving Shawn a blowjob.

As you were implied to give Shawn head, you moaned as you pretended to suck him off, and even Shawn quietly moaned a bit too.

Shawn's hands separated from each other and made chopping motions at his cum gutters, his hands forming a "v" shape.

He smiled from ear to ear and even laughed a bit while doing this.

You know what that gesture means, and you still continued "sucking it" as well as swallowing, although you weren't really swallowing anything.

Shawn was trying to really act like he was getting a blowjob, Triple H was trying to act like that too previously when you were sucking him off, despite that the audience can't really see either of their cocks getting sucked.

"Do I taste good?" Shawn asked you, raising and straightening his head and looking down at you.

You nodded your head, the camera cutting to you nodding your head and your eyes looking up at the Heartbreak Kid.

"What about Hunter?" Shawn asked.

You nodded your head again, the camera cutting to you nodding your head.

Despite Shawn and Triple H not climaxing, much to the dismay of the audience, Shawn zipped his jeans back up and buttoned his pants, one of his hands pretending to put his penis back in his pants.

"Now, do you have anything to say?" Shawn asked to the microphone, only to then point the microphone to your face.

You were in between Shawn and Triple H, who were standing in the ring on their feet, whereas you were standing on your knees in the middle of the ring.

Shawn and Triple H's microphones were positioned at their crotches and pointing at your face, meant to look like penises.

The camera cut to you standing on your knees in the ring with 2 microphones pointing at your face, you wrapped your fingers around both of the microphones, making it look like you have 2 cocks in your face.

As you said something into the microphones, you stuck your tongue on the corner of your mouth, where your tongue proceeded to lick the microphone Triple H was holding like the mike was his penis.

The audience's eyes were growing wide and bugging out in shock whereas their jaws were dropping in gasps, Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross both pretended to be shocked at the commentary table.

"I-is she licking that microphone?" Jerry asked.

No duh!

Your tongue caressed and stroked the tip of his microphone, roaming around the microphone as well as curling around it, and you didn't just lick that microphone, but you wrapped your lips around that microphone and put it in your mouth, where you started sucking that microphone.

This got another massive pop from the audience, males in the audience cheering and filling the arena with cheers, roars and wolf whistles.

Triple H and Shawn's eyes bugged out, the 2 of them pretending to be shocked and slightly jumping back, but at the same time they were loving this.

Their mouths spread wide ear-to-ear smiles and they were even laughing a bit, they didn't mind you doing this.

Triple H turned the microphone off by pulling the volume switch down with his thumb.

You want to pump your hands up and down the microphones shafts like they're penises, but you're afraid that you'll turn the microphones on.

The tip of Shawn's microphone nudged into your face, and your head turned to now lick and suck on Shawn's mic this time.

The tip of Shawn's microphone had entered your mouth, where you sucked on that microphone, your lips sliding down the tip of the microphone.

You didn't just suck that microphone, but again, licked it, licking up and down as well as horizontally back and forth, your tongue caressing and roaming on that microphone.

Triple H moved a few steps forward to your face, his microphone nudging your face now this time, and your tongue moved to lick on Triple H's microphone as well.

You wish Billy Gunn, who was then in the New Age Outlaws, could be in this moment as well, so you could lick and suck the microphone positioned over his crotch, though you don't mean microphone as in penis.

The camera eventually cut to commercial break, this was getting too hot for TV.

You entering the ring in a leather bra and thong (and worse, having a collar wrapped around your neck while 2 men held those chains attached to that collar like you were a literal dog) caused a massive uproar of controversy, especially amongst feminists, complaining this is degrading to women.

Plus, there was another uproar over you looking like you're giving head to Triple H and Shawn Michaels as well as licking and sucking their microphones like they're actual penises.

Like I said before, the Attitude era was Histrionic Personality Disorder television (and maybe antisocial personality disorder and oppositional defiant disorder TV too).

Many of the things you did during the Attitude era made you seem like someone with Histrionic Personality Disorder as well as helped define why the Attitude era was histrionic personality disorder TV.

The thing is, this moment with you in the leather bra and thong and pretending to give head and what not is tame compared to some of the other things you did during the Attitude era...

[theliterateape]

I Like to Watch | Promising Young Woman (2020)

by Don Hall

In the pantheon of films made, only a handful stand out as truly understanding and communicating its time. Not documentaries or those based on true events but fictional stories that likewise mirror the specific zeitgeist (yeah, I used that term with a straight face) of a given time period or social movement.

Fifty years from now, when discussing the Black Lives Matter movement in the country, Get Out will be among the films watched for context on the American experience. It grasps the indelible feelings of the movement without mentioning it and is a stand-alone epic horror film at the same time.

The French Connection (1971) is not only brilliant but perfectly tells a tale of the beginnings of the War on Drugs instituted by Richard Nixon.

Casablanca (1942), unlike the propaganda films of most pre- and post-WWII movies, demonstrates an incredibly timely portrayal of the horrors of fascism, the values that heroes like Victor Laszlo hold, and illustrates an America that is a place for refugees to find freedom.

The Graduate (1967) is both a wonderful film and also expertly captures the transitioning from the idealism of post-Kennedy assassination to the craven capitalist emerging from the ashes.

High Noon (1952) is a grand cinematic device using clocks and real time as well as a window into the hysteria and paranoia of the McCarthy Era.

The Deer Hunter (1978), Fast Times of Ridgemont High (1981), Norma Rae (1979), The Great Dictator(1940), Wall Street (1987), and American Psycho (2000). The list is almost exhausting but spectacular at the same time. No question that you will, upon reading this, think of ten movies that fit this particular bill that I haven't mentioned.

While I gravitate to the optimism of Rocky (1976), the film of that year that depicts the isolation and torment of a young man disillusioned by the trifecta of the Kennedy assassination, Vietnam, and Watergate is Taxi Driver.

Set in a decaying and corrupt post-Vietnam New York City, Travis—played by a stunningly grim Robert De Niro—dreams of ridding the city of the filth and perversion he witnesses during his overnight shifts as a cabbie. The more Travis drives, the more he questions his purpose in life and grows deranged, ultimately leading down a path of violence, hatred, and even redemption. 

SOURCE

If there is a modern parallel, while Joker is a DC comics version of Bickle's journey into madness (although it more accurately makes a case for the existing madness of Incels), the more appropriate equivalent is without question Emerald Fennell's Promising Young Woman.

I'll confess that I didn't really want to see it. These days so much of film has become a series of lectures on social justice that, after the insufferable reboot of Charlie's Angels and the ugly one-sided and exploitative Them I just couldn't bother with more of the same.

It didn't help that they wanted twenty bucks to watch it. Then, when Dana and I were flying back to Vegas from a visit with my father-in-law in Pennsylvania, she watched it for free on the inflight. She loved it and, being that Dana is a notoriously finicky critic of film, the recommendation did not fall on deaf ears.

The premise is not what I gleaned from the trailers (Carey Mulligan does not play a serial murderer so much as serial justice seeker) and, like all superior satires, everyone (including the protagonist) gets a bit of shade. 

In the opening minutes of Promising Young Woman, Cassie (a deeply sardonic and wearily angry Mulligan) walks down a street with blood dripping down her leg eating a hot dog. She’s just left the home of Adam Brody, a beta-male who couldn't resist the temptation. She must have murdered him. Nope. It's ketchup from her phallic snack. In a single moment, you realize that Fennell has decided to subvert the male revenge fantasy for something wholly different.

Cassie, a medical school dropout, lives with her parents and works as a barista. She lives with the trauma of her best friend Nina Fisher's rape by a classmate. As a response, Cassie spends a night a week pretending to be the drunk single hot chick in bars. She's looking for the 'nice guys' who invariably offer to take her home and instead take her to their home with the intent to rape the helpless inebriate. She lets them go far before snapping the rubber band and revealing she's completely in control.

Cassie has a book of names. In it she keeps track of every 'nice guy' she confronts as well as another list directly related to Nina's rape. The college dean (Connie Britton) who did nothing when Nina reported her rape; the med school friend (Alison Brie) who dismissed the accusation as crying wolf; the lawyer (Alfred Molina) who bullied Nina into dropping the court case. She plays twisted pranks on them if they haven't yet seen the Nina she knew. She wants them to understand the gravity of their collective action.

After a chance meeting with an actual nice guy (a disarmingly adorable Bo Burnham), Cassie sees a way out of her dark quest. From this point, Fennell does something unexpected and remarkably effective: the film bounces back and forth from dark revenge fantasy to heartwarming romantic comedy in a whiplash manner. It's hard to keep up and serves to keep us guessing throughout.

Fennell (who also wrote the thing) has described Cassie's rage as "like an ingrown toenail" and Mulligan portrays Cassie with the numb pain of that feeling. Fennell isn’t content to simply paint the men as the problem; everyone involved, men and women, are culpable agents. Certainly the men who rape are the actors of personal destruction but the men and women who do not rape yet cover-up or minimize the damage are equally as guilty and ripe for Cassie’s meted out justice.

Travis Bickle was a young man traumatized by war and the abandonment he felt as society realized he was fucked up by a system designed to fuck him up. Cassie Thomas is a young woman traumatized by a system in place designed to fuck her and discard her like a piece of trash.

In fifty years, when college students are watching popular culture for insight into the #MeToo movement, Promising Young Woman will be on the watchlist.

[popculturebuffet]

Scooby Doo (2002) Review: The Most Punchable Fred Jones of All Time

It’s one last hurrah for Halloween as I take a look at the often derided 2002 Scooby Doo Movie! See what happens when you combine future superstar director James Gunn with .. the guy who thought directing the Smurf’s movie and Big’s Mama’s House were good ideas. Oh and with a splash of the guy who wrote the loveable family film Cheaper by the Dozen and the utterly loathed Percy Jackson film. It’s as messy as you’d expect with that.. but is it BAD? good, so bad it’s good, just sorta okay? Come with me as I try to find out under the cut with a full review. 

I’ve always loved Scooby Doo. I grew up with the guy, watching reruns of the non-scrappy classic series from Where Are You to the Scooby Doo Movies, the three Superstar 10 movies (Boo Brothers, Ghoul School and Reluctant Werewolf), or the at the time brand new What’s New Scooby Doo. And later in life i’d absolutely adore Mystery Incorporated.. minus the whole Shaggy, Scooby Velma love triangle, but i’ll likely cover that at some point or sooner, you can comission reviews from me for 5 bucks each, 5 dollars off group orders if you really want to make me suffer through that that bad. But getting off self promotion point is I loved and still love the franchise. While I”ve yet to see “Scooby Doo and Guess Who”, though given there’s Weird Al, Kristan Schaal and Urkel episodes you can be sure i’m going to eventually, and Scoob was VERY ehhh even if Dick Dastardly was awesome. But despite my history with the great dane much like with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, despite my rich history with the franchise I haven’t dove in yet and with a friend who could use a nice halloween suprise and loves scooby doo, I figured now was the time to take a look at it.  And since i’d been wanting to take a look at it again anyway, and decided going big wasn’t a bad way to start, i’m taking a look at the 2002 Scooby Doo movie. I saw this flim first run in a drive in, and saw the sequel the same way and loved it as a kid, and fondly remember checking out the Sountrack Preview page back before youtube existed to make checking out soundtracks easier. It was a simplier time. And even rewatching it later with my nieces, I found myself liking it.  And the thing was almost every time this film comes up it’s with a turned up nose. The CGI, the confused audience, the deciding to cast Freddy Prinze Junior.. all terrible decisions that overshadow the film, when it’s not that bad. It’s not GREAT, but it’s not TERRIBLE either. So what is it then? Well i’ll tells ya. Let’s start with

PRODUCTION: Wait James Gunn Wrote This?

At the turn of the millneium Scooby Doo was back on top. After waning popularity during the Scrappy era, the advent of the warner affilated Cartoon Network meant a whole new generation of kids (raises hand) got to experince Scooby Doo for the first time. This new audeince lead to Scooby Doo on Zombie Island, the first of the franchises 80 or so DTV movies that will continue on long after the earth dies, and brought back the franchise after it’s long slumber. Scooby Doo went from dead to as popular as he was in his hey day again. Naturally Warner wanted to cash in and thus this movie was born.  Originally the film was supposed to be a more adult project, a send up of the franchise with more sex jokes and what not than made the final cut according to writer James Gunn. Yes, the same James Gunn who wrote and directed the Guardians of the Galaxy movie and whose currently saving the suicide squad. It was one of Gunn’s earlier films but just from when he’s talked about it, you can tell he genuinely cared about the project.  Along for the ride with our future Guardian was his co-writer, Craig Titely,  who i’m convinced only came in to do punch ups as the guy has only written three other movies. One of them was being one of MANY writers on Cheaper by the Dozen and thus likely not doing much of note with that, and the other.. is being the only writer on Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief’s movie adaptation.. aka the movie the fanbase and general audiences rejected in droves yet SOMEHOW got a sequel. Which is somehow still worse than his other film, one that asks “was the moon landing a hoax?” Spoilers, it wasn’t. Point is this isn’t a resume that screams co creator and more screams “Guy brought in to kid freindly this up”. More on that in a minute.  The director is another less than reassuring face: Raja Gosnell, whose credits BEFORE this film were Home Alone 3, Never Been Kissed and Big Momma’s house.. so already he dosen’t have the best track record but somehow got worse because AFTER this film and it’s sequel he directed both live action Smurfs Movies and the universally hated Show Dogs, aka the film  that thought dog rape was funny. The fact this film isn’t out and out terrible is a miracle. 

Even more so because naturally, as Studios tend to do they interfered: The film was supposed to be more adult, cracking jokes about common things fans of the series growing up thought like Velma is Gay or Shaggy’s a stoner, and having both be fully true. But wanting to appeal to kids, Warner gradually lightned it, hence Craig, and Raja clearly having no shame gladly took it instead of you know.. standing his ground.  So Velma has a love intrest thrown in and her kiss with Daphne is gone, while Shaggy’s toke smoking was lowered to subtext.. because either of those things is bad apparently? I dunno the 2000′s were fucked. 

Point is THAT’S why these films are so tonally confused and why I don’t hold it agains the film now I know: It wasn’t James Gunn or even, as dumb as he is, Raja Gosnell’s fault that the film had some tones clashing when the studio was demanding it, instead of you know, thinking this through at all and realizing more kids cared about Scooby Doo than they would’ve josie and the pussy cats instead of bringing it up DURING production, when most of the adult stuff was in there. It’s also why the sequel has no real adult stuff, though it’s STILL damn good, but i’ll get to that some other day. 

The film was also shot at an actual theme park in australia. Neat. 

So yeah the film’s humor kind of ping pongs between knowing adult winks and kids stuff. We get Scooby dressing like a grandma in the same film shaggy enhales his demon possed love intrests breath like weed. The jokes themselves on average are pretty good: Some of my faviorites include the grandma scene, everything rowan atkinson does, Velma getting drunk off her ass, and the instructional video bit which is easily my favorite bit of the episode and one of my faviorite scooby doo jokes period:

This is even FUNNIER to me on rewatch, as we now know this is an instructional video for demons.. and that Scrappy clearly had enough problems with his demon horde to have to pay for this thing. It tis glorious.  However there also are also a few that HAVE NOT aged well, are very creepy at best and disgusting sexual assault at worst with Daphne getting her ass grabbed by the Luna Ghost at the start being treated as a joke and Fred oggling Daphne’s body when he’s in it being treated as a ha ha and not...

So yeah the humor’s USUALLY good, but the slipups are noticable and do bring things down a bit when they come by. So the humor is decent if mixed and the production’s a nightmare, how’s the plot? The Plot: Scoob, We’re Getting the Band Back Together!

I won’t be as through as usual because this is a 90 minute movie, I’m running behind as is and it’s 20 years old, 

We start with your standard mystery inc case with the Luna Goose, aka Old Man Incel who resented Pamela Anderson for not boning him. But Fred hogging the glory during the resulting News Cast leads the gang to start fighting over lingering tensions: Velma is tired of Fred hogging all the credit when she does most of the legwork solving things, Daphne is tired of being kidnapped and being mistreated by Velma and Freddy who laugh at the idea of her doing more, and Fred..

We’ll get to him later. Shaggy is the only one wanting to stick together, but no one’s having it and the group breaks apart and Matthew LIllard REALLY sells Shaggy’s heartbreak over his friends all abandoning him well. 

Two years later though, with Shaggy and Scooby naturally getting stoned and eating large quantities of food on the beach, have made peace with retirement, and have apparently had to duck tons of people coming to them to solve mysteries since they aren’t about that. The latest in that line is a man representing Emile Mondovarius, the owner of Spooky Island, a vast island resort and theme park. Naturally since it has spooky in the name the boys want nothing but Mondovarius does what honestly every previous guy coming to them should’ve done: offers them an all you can eat buffet.  Since they’ve done more traumatizing for Dog Treats, they agree and it soon turns out the entire gang was invited, though none of them but Shaggy and Scooby are happy to see each other. I will say one of my complaints about the film is it never tackles the emotions behind the breakup: while the teams slowly repairs there are never any outright apologizes or scenes of them recociling or scenes of Shaggy chewing them out for abandoning him due to their spat. It just skips over the emotional bits to either wave a joke for the kiddies around or scream 

Really the jokes aren’t bad, the film just has trouble with actual emotion or depth that could’ve been there and tries for it once in a while, but dosen’t really do anything with it. The gang splitting up’s a good concept, and at this point on Scooby Doo on Zombie Island had really used it, and that was one where they were clearly still close friends and were still in touch they just quit mystery solving for a while till Zombie Island happened. Mystery Incorpreated would finally give this story justice later: Instead of over a petty ego squabble, the gang broke up over underlying tensions: The revelations about Fred’s dad caused him to go try and find himself, Velma alienated herself by hiding things from them, and Shaggy was shipped off to Military School and Scooby doggy prison camp... thankfully the last two didn’t last and Scooby rescued Shaggy with a tank but the tension DIDN’T go away: While the gang mostly reunited, Velma took time to forgive them and also tried bringing in the friend/girlfriend she’d made in the meantime only for her friends to isolate her and throw her out while Daphne took her time to return due to being hurt by fred. It’s complex and good stuff versus here where it’s just “WE’RE APART BECAUSE WE HATES EACH OTHER. And now we’re NOT”. It’s just a waste of a good concept and i’ m glad the franchise got around to doing it right. 

But my gripes aside our heroes head to the resort and meet Mondevarious, who admits outright to having tricked then and with confronted with the gang being broken up, makes it clear he knews.  “That’s the thing about broken things.. you can put them back together.”

And so he did. He needs the Gang’s help as he’s worried about the island and something going wrong there: The teens are leaving polite, well behaved. and clearly not themselves as one reacts to an old friend by neck lifting him and tossing him aside. Something’s deeply wrong here and the gang’s intrest is piqued enough to stay though everyone but Shaggy is determined to solve it themselves out of ego. Mondvarius is played by Rowan Atkinson and while I watched the bean movie as a kid this is where I fell in love with the guy, with later watches of Blackadder confirming that in my college years. Rowan just brings a fun dorky energy to the character and a nice earnestness too but when he later takes a turn for the bad, he does that well too. Atkinson is HIGHLY underated in my opinon and easily the MVP of this film’s supporting cast.   So the investigation begins, and we get our supsects: The first we met on the plane, Mary Jane, a kind blonde played by Isla Fisher who got the job becasue Gosnel, in a rare good decision, saw how talented she was and while still picking Sara Michele Gellar for Daphne, made sure she had  a part. She’s a nice sweet girl who Shaggy falls for and Scooby’s annoyed by it.. though unlike earlier the film beats mystery inc easily here as it’s a more understandable conflict and dosen’t act like Dog Issues is a thing people says. Again i’ll get to that clusterfuck of an arc some day. The other two are N’Goo Tuna, a shady worker at the park who spouts off the legends of the island. In a nice twist, he’s NOT the vilian, as is obvious but is his right hand man. He also has his own right hand and muscle in Zarkos a cool looking Luchador and N’Goo’s muscle. Also N’Goo may be one of the worst names in Scooby Doo History, and that includes Dabba Doo. But the legend claims the island was once owned by demons who want revenge since the resort took the island from him. 

The other is probably my faviorite non Rowan Atkinson character, Voodoo Maestro, played by Miguel Nunez. He’s basically just a guy who lives on the fringes of the island and also hates the resort and tries using voodoo curses. He’s honestly a delight from his attempt to sacrifice a chicken (An already dead one at that), to his general hammy and annoyed at dealing with these teenagers demeanor. NAturally he has nothing to do with this but he’s still a fun addition and I wish he was in more scnenes than the two he gets.  But with what they’ve gathered the gang all end up at a spooky castle attraction, with Scooby and Shaggy of course being bribed by daphne while Velma and Fred show up indpeendntly and end  up finding the weird training video from earlier but all get caught when the traps are activiated> There’s also a farting contest which.. eh not funny to me but i’ve seen so much worse i’m not even remotely upset. But then the traps trigger though during the chaos Fred and Velma are forced to work together and finally start doing so, and Daphne finds a clue: A mysterious pyramid known as the damon righus and finally gets some, if not nearly enough, credit.  So the gang is back together.. even if it’s a tenative peace, the high from solving this and relay to their boss the suspects, including him, though Fred assures Mondovarius it’s just because he’s spooky and rowan’s character’s delight over that is fucking glorious.  So the gang enjoys some down time at the local bar, with Fred and Daphne doing their own look ins, Scooby and Shaggy eating and encountring mary again and Velma getting hit on by a dude while looking over the ritus, revealing it’s some sort of soul sucking aparatus, and going into their history... which is really just an excuse to bring Scrappy in who in this universe, is a horny egotistical little shit whose abandoned as a result. ANd before anyone boos he’s not a puppy here, he’s got.. dog dwarfisim.. which while .. how does that even work... means he’s a grown ass man and deserved this. We also get drunk velma and Linda Caredenlli is a delight

The night gets interupted by terrible cgi monsters, the aformentioned emon who soul suck most of the college kids present and also get fred and velma who both find out these are very much real. We also get the best song on the soundtrack, man with a hex. It slaps. But it makes good chase music as with Mondvarious, Fred and Velma captured, the rest of the gang and mary escape.  The next morning we get a surreal as hell scene as everyone’s partying, Fred’s talking in slang and Velma with clevage, thank you, is chatting up.. Sugar Ray? For those younger of you they were a band at the time. They were a big thing. Not half bad but faded away. They looked as 2000′s as hell though. WHy Smash Mouth gets all the memes and not them is beyond me. Look at lead singer Mark McGrath!It’s like the early 2000′s gained sentience and took a human form. But the gang is quickly forced to run from sugar ray, though they get Daphne in a deleted scene. Why it was deleted I dunno. Point is Shaggy, Scooby and Mary are all alone.. oh and Mary’s possessed. Shaggy and Scooby argue over it because Shaggy just thinks Scooby is jealous and while he is .. why would he lie about this? He’s as cowardly as you are. But Scooby falls through the floor, and Shaggy is now going solo but luckily finds his friends souls, and eveyrone elses in a massive cool looking vat and frees them all.  Velma, when the demon leaves her and confronts her, finds out sunlight kills the demons and saves Daphne from hers... only to find Fred in her body. Daphne is naturally horrified and we do get a great bodyswapping scene.

Our heroes reconvince on the beach where htey find the Maestro who explains what’s going on to a point, with the gang’s clues filling in the blanks: The ritus, which they stole back earlier, is used for a ritual that will allow the Demons to rule over the earth for “a thousand years of darkness” but it requires a pure soul to work. Cue our big bad talking Scooby into being their willing sacrifice since Scooby dooes not understand what a sacrifice is.  Shaggy naturally rallies the group to go save him after their understandably worried since they usually dealt with weirdos in costumes and not the apocalypse.. well okay Velma and Fred aren’t, Daphne dealt with this kind of thing once a week back in Sunnydale. So they set up a plan to destroy all the demons at once by unleashing the soul bath, setting them all loose and then using a spooky disco ball from one of the attractions rigged up over the ritual area to shine the light in. It’s classic scooby doo. 

Things naturally go wrong as while Shaggy goes to rescue scooby and makes up with him, he’s caught, so are fred and velma and they have to scramble, while Daphne looses a fight with the luchador up top while trying to let the light in to finish the trap. Meanwhile Shaggy saves Scooby’s soul just as Mondovarious sucks it out by shoving the guy.. revealing him to be a robot! DUN DUN DUN. And inside is Scrappy.. which you all probably knew already but try to act suprise who wanted to conquer the world as revenge for the gang abandoning him and because again, in this universe he’s kind of an asshole. He absorbs the souls gathered so far and merges with the damon ritus, because we’re operating on video game rules now apparently, so final boss time.  But we get a great climax as Scrappy chases scooby, Daphne goes buffy on Zarkos ass , and as a result he shatters the glass and lets the light in releasing the disco ball the kill the demons.. man I love that I get to type things like that. Scooby removes the ritus and defeats his nephew and the day is saved. Velma hooks up with random guy, Daphne and Fred get together, I die inside a little and Shaggy and Mary Jane bond. At the press Fred does his good deed for the movie by letting Velma explain things and get the spotlight and the group have firmly reunited. THE END. Overall it’s a solid plot, that works well, comes together in the end and was well put together, it’s more the filling that causes it to tilt back and forth a bit, but overlal outside of the issue I mentioned it’s a good scooby doo plot. While some have pointed out it is similar to zombie island, a case reuniting the gang, the person who brought them there wanting to sacrifice them, or just scooby here, monsters being real, it works because everything else is so different. But since there’s more to break down and it’s easier to give it it’s own section let’s look at...

THE CHARACTERS: NOT HALF BAD, FRED CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF. 

So we’re down to character.. and since there’s a blonde, preeening, selfish, arrogant, sleazy, sexist, obnoxious, loud mouthed, useless elephant in the room, let’s start with Fred. And to quote it’s always sunny....

Yeah so that fury of a thousand crashing waves (Cracks Knuckles): Fred is the worst part of this movie, the worst version of the character across the entire franchise that i’ve seen with the sincre doubt that there is ANY version worse than this. Everything I said above is true and THEN some. He is one of the most unlikable characters i’ve seen in a film that wasn’t INTENDED to be. There’s just NOTHING to like about him. Nothing. He treats his “Friends” like garbage, all four of them: He basically ignores shaggy and scooby at best and treats them as if they were nothing. For Velma he’s your classic power abusing douche who pushes her to the side and often steals the credit for things she did. He’s still a good mystery solver, but he acts like he does all the work to the press and takes all the credit when Velma works as hard as he does if not harder. And worst of all is Daphne, who he basically either treats like some moron who gets kidnapped due to incompetence and not because creepy old dudes want to feel her up, which given the intro is VERY likely the reason she’s the resident victim of the group, and not like a person, or like a pair of boobs and legs he wants to bang or feel up creepily while he’s in her body. For fuck’s sake his reaction to finding out he’s in her body is a creepy and smug “I can see myself naaaakeddd” If that dosen’t make you want to smack him get off my blog. And they get together in the end! 

Who who wanted that. I genuinely want the presumibly original ending where Daphne and Velma hook up and Fred falls off a pier and is never seen again. The acting does not help. While the other four gang members are expertly cast Fred was given to Freddy Prinze Junior, who made a career out of playing arrogant dicks who are somehow the main character so I can’t fault the casting but I can fault that he can’t delver any line without that smug air of trying to be cool douche and it’s at it’s worst with Fred since Fred’s already written as the biggest creepiest douche in the world and Freddy somehow makes it WORSE. He also has zero chemstiry with Daphne, which would be weird given he and Sarah Michelle Gellar had dated for 2 years at this point and as of this writing have been together for 20 overall and have two wonderful kids together... but given how badly written Fred is here, I can’t blame either of them. And i’m sure FPJ is a swell guy, loves his kids loves his wife seems like a really plesant guy, nothing against him as a person, but at least at this point in his career he wasn’t very good. And I am actually planning on trying to seek out one of his later works in his career to see if he’s gotten better in recent years, and willing to give him the benifit of a doubt that he probably has. I just don’t like him here, and while the script does most of the work he only makes it worse.And works before this (Pup Named Scooby Doo) and after this (Mystery Incorperated) would prove you can give fred a personality that’s not dick tip, so fuck this character, fuck the writing.. and I hope Freddy is having a happy halloween with his loving wife and children, seriously I meant it I have nothing against him as a person. A terrible actor can still be a WONDERFUL guy. 

Now that’s thankfully put to bed, let’s pivot over to Shaggy, whose easily the best of the cast. Matthew Lillard looks the part pefectly, has the right combination of heart and goofus and has some great comedic timing. Granted Scream had already proven the guy’s got genuine talent, but still he’s great here and is currently playing Shaggy in most films and productions, except Scoob which.. was far from it’s only mistake but easily the biggest. There’s not much else to say: the guy IS Shaggy and is the only person whose taken up the roll to equal Kasey Casem in it. As for how he’s written.. he’s basically the same and apart from one line of him wanting to leave everyone to their deaths, which feels like it was added later, he’s written really well and is easily the most likeable of the group. 

Scooby is alright. Not the best version but funny and charming enough when he needs to be and while I hated the CGI at one point.. it’s honestly not that bad. It’s not GREAT, but time has actually been very good to it both in how it’s held up and in the fact we’ve gotten SO MUCH WORSE with so much better techlogies. I mean.. Cats exists.. Marmaduke Exists.. the Bill Murray Garfield exists. This was offputting at the time but now it’s just okay. But character wise he’s good and again not much diffrent. 

Velma is the second best casting of the movie. Played by Linda Cardenelli, who i’ve harbored a crush on for a good few decades now and admire mostly for her talent and charm, Linda kills the roll and easily slips into it as easily as Matt did, and while not picking it up full time like he did, still did it a few times afterword and played hot dog water in mystery incorperated, so she did finally get to play a Lesbian Velma it just took a while. And while Velma being gay is kind of sterotyping, it would’ve been nice to have been kept in instead of edited out for bullshit reasons. But overal her character is decent: While she ALSO bullies and belittles daphne like fred, unlike fred it comes less from just being a douche and more from insecurity. As her scene at the bar makes clear she feels undervalued like the other, like the nerd who the cool kids LET hang out with them instead of part of the team. While it dosen’t make her treatment of Daphne OKAY, it makes Velma understandable. We also get Velma Clevage which.. okay not sure if the world needed that but whatever. Point is it’s throughly likeable portryal that I wish got some character growth.  Finally out of the main 5 there’s Daphne, whose alright. Not as good as the other two, as it feels they lean a bit too heavily on her having taken self defense and wanting ot be tougher, but Sarah Michelle Gellar gives her a ton of charm and likeablity that her husband’s character sadly lacks. There’s just a fun, adorable energy to daph that ends up coupling with her buffy style badassery at the end and Sarah plays both beautifully. The script didn’t give her a ton to work with, though that’s the same for all four of htem, but Sarah really made the character work and made her somewhat memorable despite not being as good as Linda or Matthew. Basically not the best, but still a comfortable third ahead of scooby doo and jackass jones. 

As for the rest of the cast, Rowan Attkinson i’ve covered and is utterly fantastic as is the Voodoo Maestro, and both should get hteir own hbo max spinoff together. The minons.. stupid name and luchadoor are decent enough, nothign special but they have presence and do the job of goon well. And Mary Jane is alright.. the joke is WAY too on the nose to be funny and she’s mostly just there to be sweet, but she’s harmless. Not good but not bad.  So finally we have our big bad, Scrappy. And i’m.. mixed about this. On one hand, Scott Innes, who it turns out is also from Missouri good on you dude!, does a terrific job and I couldn’t tell it wasn’t don messick as Scrappy and he plays him as evil great. On the other.. it’s just kinda goofy. Out of all the tips of hte hat to scooby stuff this feels the most over the top. Scrappy was hated, including by james gunn.. so he’s the bad guy. It’s just a bit on the nose, and the twist is pretty easily teligraphed since Scrappy suspciously is mentioned in one scene so him showing up at all is pretty easy to see coming. It’s not terible but it’s not great. His demon minons also just suck.. the designs are wonky and their cgi, unlike scooby and scrappy’s, is just REALLY bad and dated, and even as a kid I never liked them. 

FINAL THOUGHTS:  Scooby Doo is a decent but messy movie. The clashing tones, dated humor and godawful version of fred drag it down at times, and it’s very clear this had a lot of hands in the pot. But.. I still enjoy it. It’s not the best scooby ever, tha’ts mystery incorpeated, but it has great atmosphere, some good ideas, an utterly spectacular with one exception cast, and some really funny jokes. I genuinely feel the film is overhated when it’s a unique, weird and wonderful slice of Scooby. For better or worse there’s no other Scooby doo property quite like it, and that’s what makes it so fun. And it has enough good performances and jokes to smooth out the edges. It’s not the best, it’s a mess.. but sometimes a mess is fun and I like this flim for being a fun mess I can enjoy with my nieces and talk about to all of you. And sometimes that’s all you need.  Thank you for reading this. If you like this you can comission your own review: 5 bucks for a tv episode, 15 for a movie, 10 for an hour long special, and 5 dollars off when you order more than one episode of a show at a time. Just send me a direct message or ask on here and we’ll get started. Until then you can check out my backlog of reviews, check this space every monday for ducktales reviews, and VOTE DAMMIT VOTE. Until we meet again it’s been a pleasure. Play us out Atomic Fireballs, it’s been a wonderful halloween. 

[ofcornsyrup]

( ellie bamber . she/her . ginger snaps . ) your name is GINGER FITZGERALD. you’re 18, and you’ve been in wayward valley for as long as you care to remember. occasionally, you catch glimpses of another life, and it looks like INSAITABLE HUNGER, A PILE OF GRAINY POLAROIDS, HANDS STICKY WITH BLOOD — but it’s all in your head, surely. after all, your CONFIDENT, OUTSPOKEN, VIOLENT, & MOODY disposition has found a life of sweet contentment here in town, as a STUDENT. so why does it feel like something’s missing? ( sophie . 25 . she/her . gmt . )

Hi everyone :) My name’s Sophie, I live in England, and I’m 25 years old! By week, I’m a school librarian, and by weekend, I’m a costumed tour guide at a thousand year old local castle.

Here are a few of my favourite things: Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Elementary, Russel T. Davies’ era of Doctor Who, The Crown, reading basically anything, cats, and vintage style (I’m very fond of the 1940′s, but the ‘60′s are neat too!)

And here’s some information about my daughter, Ginger:

For people who haven’t seen the 2000 movie, Ginger Snaps, firstly, go watch it. It’s probably the best werewolf movie ever. Here’s a synopsis: two sisters, Brigitte and Ginger. One night, Ginger gets attacked by a werewolf. They look for a cure. That’s all I’m gonna say.

For those who have seen it, wicked! I’m going to be keeping Ginger’s personality fairly close to the original movie, and completely ignore the sequel and third one (seriously, the third movie was a train wreck that totally undermined the original. Sequel was okay.)

Ginger is the epitome of “moody teen emo”. She hates school, thinks life is a sick joke, and the only way to deal with it is to check out early, in the most dramatic and gory way possible. It’s the biggest “fuck you” you can give the world, right? She wears black all the time, and her most prized possession is her necklace, which is a bird skull on a piece of string. Brigitte has one too. They both found these skulls out in the woods a few years ago, and now they both wear them every day.

Ginger and her sister Brigitte are very co-dependent. They do everything together. (Side note: in the movie, Brigitte is a year younger, but since I aged Ginger up to 18, I’m going to say they’re twins, with Ginger being the older one). They submit weird projects for class, to creep out their teacher, hang out at Wayward Cemetery and the abandoned rec room, taking polaroid photos and sticking them to the wall of their shared bedroom.

Brigitte is the only person in the world that Ginger gives a crap about, and she’d do anything to protect her. She’s got into a couple of fights at school when the popular bitches have laughed at Brigitte, always willing to stand between her little sister and anyone who messes with her.

Ginger has lived in Wayward her whole life, and she hates it. It’s a boring, small, town, and she can’t wait to blow it. She’s convinced that basically everyone here is a freaking idiot for staying in such a boring place, zombified. But, as much as she talks about it, something is keeping her here. She doesn’t know what it is, and she’d never admit to anyone, but she’s never tried to run away, as much as she hates it.

Now she and Brigitte are 18, the end of high school is looming, and Ginger has no clue what she wants to do after. She hasn’t got herself a weekend job, or even thought about what she’s going to do next, despite her mom constantly getting on her back about “life after high school”. She would never tell anyone except Brigitte, but Ginger is afraid of the end of high school, of what she’s going to do with her life. She has no plan, no goals.

And, to make shit worse, recently she’s been having really vivid nightmares. She’s running through a pitch-black forest with her sister, her shoulder burning like it’s on fucking fire, and she knows something’s chasing them, something huge and wild and dangerous, and if it catches her, she’s dead; she’s ripping a dog to pieces, feeling the hot viscera and gushing blood; she’s got a weird, wagging, naked, lump at the base of her spine, which looks like a tail. Every time she wakes up from one of these nightmares, she’s gasping, terrified, and she checks her body all over to make sure she’s still her.

TL;DR: Ginger is an angsty, moody, teenager, whose closest friend is her twin sister Brigitte, who has no idea what she’s going to do with her life, recently haunted by freaky nightmares.

POTENTIAL CONNECTIONS

FRIENDS: Is your muse a misfit student at Wayward High School? Do they hang out a lot at the cemetery, or the rec room? Do they hate authority figures? If you said yes to any of those questions, they might be a good friend for Ginger! I’m desperate to give her friends besides Brigitte. Their friendship might be one of convenience, or awkward, or whatever, but I want her to have people whose company she doesn’t totally hate

ENEMIES: This one’s probably gonna be easier, since Ginger is always fighting everyone. Maybe Ginger threatened your muse, or got into a dumb fight with them, or insulted them. Maybe your muse got into a fight with her? Maybe Ginger just doesn’t like your muse’s face. Whichever way we play it, I’m excited to give Ginger enemies, and people she can rail against.

OTHER WEREWOLVES: I would love to explore a relationship between Ginger and werewolves from other media. Maybe they know about each other’s dreams or memories of lycanthropy? Maybe your muse is doing werewolf research, and Ginger spots them? Just give me all the other werewolves, and we’ll make a new pack!

CLASS PROJECT PARTNERS: If she’s given the choice, Ginger will work with her sister for every class project. But what if the teacher is a real dick, and forces her to partner with literally anyone else? I can see this being a really funny way to kick off a relationship between our muses! If they’re forced to work together, and we go from there.

MOURNER / VISITOR TO WAYWARD CEMETERY: Ginger spends a lot of her free time in Wayward Cemetery. Does your muse have someone buried there? They’ve probably seen this weird emo girl hanging out there, sitting on gravestones, taking photos of cool-looking ones. This would be a super interesting place to have them meet, and just see where things go from there.

These are all the ideas I’ve got right now, but if you have more, hit me up :)

I can’t wait to write with everyone! Feel free to hop into my I.M.’s and plot stuff out. Ginger might bite, but I promise I don’t.

[theepoetrygod]

Things I Love in Wrestling Pt. 2

I love a great rivalry. Whether it be fueled by emotion, storytelling, or just flat-out competition, a great rivalry gives us wrestling fans a reason to love what goes on in the squared circle. Here are some honorable mentions:

Shawn Michaels vs Triple H

This is one of the main examples of enemies to friends to lovers in the wrestling world. They fought wars against each other, banded together to fight wars against others in the ring, and had spectacular matches in their singles careers. This rivalry constantly has people debating who was the better man, but what us undeniable is that this feud was red hot. Notable matches in their rivalry would Armageddon '02, Survivor Series '02, and Bad Blood '04.

Kane vs Undertaker

The old saying goes that nobody wins when the family feuds, but I'll be damned if the fights aren't entertaining. Bump and Boo the Spooky Two, aka Kane and Undertaker, were brothers from Parts Unknown who had amazing in ring work rates. Just like Triple H vs HBK, Kane and Taker were friends, enemies, and brothers. In all three of those aspects, the two had great matches. Their prime has since passed, but their impact is felt forever in the hearts of wrestling fans. Their best matches were at Wrestlemania 20, as well as a few episodes of Smackdown from '06-'08.

And now on to some of my favorites!

Lita vs Trish Stratus

(Left to right: Lita, Trish Stratus)

Two generational wrestlers with completely different styles, Lita and Trish Stratus have participated in amazing feuds in their careers. During a time when the women of WWE were (sometimes) treated like dogs, these two were at the forefront of why women's wrestling was important. Other game changers in the 2000s include Jazz, Mickey James, and Gail Kim. Their most notable match was at Wrestlemania X-8 in Toronto, Ontario, Canada for the Women's Championship (pictured).

The Four Horsewomen vs Each Other

(Left to right: Bayley, Sasha Banks, Charlotte Flair, Becky Lynch)

Moving from the Ruthless Aggression Era to the NXT Era, these four women revolutionized women's wrestling in NXT. Before them, NXT was recognized as WWE's developmental brand where wrestlers went when they weren't good enough to work on Raw and Smackdown. After them, NXT was recognized as Smackdown and Raw's equal and a proper third brand. One of the reasons why? The Four Horsewomen. They've had singles matches, tag matches, title matches, Wrestlemania matches, and as of May 14th, 2020, one (1) fatal four way match involving them. I honestly implore you to watch this rivalry. Starting in NXT back in 2014 to the present day, the Four Horsewomen are a beacon of hope in a sport that, at times, seems extremely bleak as far as storylines. The most notable matches are Sasha Banks vs Bayley for the NXT Women's Championship at NXT Takeover Brooklyn 1, Becky Lynch vs Charlotte in a Last Woman Standing Match for the Smackdown Women's Championship at Evolution 1, and Sasha Banks vs Charlotte at Hell in a Cell 2016.

Also, congratulations to Becky Lynch on your pregnancy, here's to your years of service, have an amazing maternity leave! 🍾

Keith Lee vs Dominik Dijakovic

(Left to right: Dominik Dijakovic, Keith Lee)

How to describe this feud in tumblr terms...? Ah! I got it!

Big Beefy Bois Doing Things That Beefy Bois Shouldn't Be Able To Do.

The most recent example of Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better, Dijakovic and Lee started lighting up NXT last year, and have put on entertaining matches every time they step into the ring.

This feud has everything: Mutual respect, likeable characters, fan support, and most of all, really really good wrestling. Every match of their matches are amazing, watch all of them.

Shane McMahon vs Vince McMahon

This rivalry has a lot of layers that honestly make it seen like a fever dream. Here's some of them:

Infidelity

Buying the competition

Treating Trish Stratus like a dog

Levels of resentment that are ABSOLUTELY MENTAL

And the worst example of father-son bonding

This storyline is a soap opera from start to finish, and if you're a fan of twists and turns, this is the one for you. Their blowoff match was a Street Fight at Wrestlemania X-7 in Houston, Texas, but the entire feud is absolutely bananas.

The Rock vs Stone Cold Steve Austin

Moving from one Attitude Era rivalry to another, it's the most electrifying game of You Think That's Good? Hold My Beer. A lot of people only know The Rock as a movie star, but he was also an excellent wrestler. His matches were amazing, his promos were breathtaking, and the one wrestler to truly match that energy is Stone Cold. Austin also cut great promos, his best one coming after he won King of the Ring in 1996. The crowd reactions when they walk out is like nothing else, and there's nothing that has come close to it ever since. Their notable matches being the Wrestlemania Trilogy at 15, X-7, and 19 (pictured).

Tomasso Ciampa vs Johnny Gargano

(Left to right: Tomasso Ciampa, Johnny Gargano)

From the greatest Attitude Era rivalry to NXT's portrayal of Friends to Enemies to Lovers to Enemies again, Gargano vs Ciampa is the greatest story in NXT.

They burst onto the scene as Projecy DIY, a tag team that lit the yellow brand on fire. The two wrestlers were over like rover with the fans, but could never quite win the big one. During their run, Gargano and Ciampa had a one on one match during the first Ceuiserweight Classic, with Ciampa winning. This where the dissention started to show. They won the tag titles at NXT Takeover Toronto, and all was safe... for now. At NXT Takeover Chicago 1, they lost the titles, and Project DIY was over. And so began the greatest rivalry in NXT history. Through injury, emotion, and immaculate storytelling, this is an Oscar-winning piece of wrestling history.

Just like Lee vs Dijakovic, all their matches are great, and the storyline is like no other.

And that's some of my favorite wrestling rivalries! What are some of yours? Let me know!