#i think i just forgot the entirety of the past few months. haunting

[bubmyg]

there was no particular reason i wrote all this down other than reading the translations to my universe made me cry last week because i’m just Like this. this is a mini compilation of yoongi lyrics that i hold gently in my palm and close to my heart in a he’s my artist for life kind of way. these aren’t all my favorite yoongi lyrics, i certainly have more but not ones that fit this general vibe. 

this is like extremely disorganized, i kind of just wrote it like a journal (and i’ll probably copy it to my bullet journal at some point actually). interpretations are my own, music is cool in that we can all read and hear the same thing and get different things out of it (which is why yoongi has often said he doesn’t attach specific meaning to things, giving it up to the listener instead)

so yeah. here’s me being fond of yoongi in 4k for no reason other than. idk. i wanted to. all translations are from doyoubangtan and doolsetbangtan. 

song request - lee sora ft suga

“I’ll be with you, for your birth and your end; That you’d remember that I’m with you, wherever you are; I’ll be a comfort for your life at any time, and so; please, that you’d lean on me and take a rest, every once in awhile.”

to me, this perfectly encapsulates what creating music is for yoongi in a two-fold kind of way. not only does he want his music to be a source of comfort for those who listen to it (just as the art of music is for himself), he’s also consistent in his assurance that taking a rest is okay. not being okay is okay. simply existing for the time being is okay. it’s a gentle empathy that comes from the experienced heart of someone who’s not going to tell you that it is okay, but will tell you that it won’t always be like this. friendly little moon trying to get you to smile with him on sleepless nights.

so far away - agust d ft suran

dream, will eventually be in full bloom at the end of hardships

this was on my undergrad graduation cap. it’s one of my favorite lyrics of all time. if so far away is my heart song, this is my heart lyric. this is a common motif in yoongi’s lyrics; dormancy is only temporary, you will bloom at the end of the cold winter.

dream, hope it to be there with you at your creation and at the end of your life

creation to end is another common motif n his lyrics. in this specific context, i imagine it to most closely be analogous to holding dreams close to you your entire life. dreams are dreams no matter how they manifest, even if they’re simply something you long for until your “end”.

Hope it to be there with you at your creation and at the end of your life; It will be generous to you wherever you stand; It will eventually be in full bloom at the end of hardships; The beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will the future be

the entirety of this song reads like a story and this last refrain reads like the conclusion (kind of). the slight wording change from the previous choruses means a lot in that regard, more definite and firm. you will be okay. maybe not now, maybe not next week. but you will be.

suga’s interlude - halsey ft suga

Though the dawn before sunrise is darkest; don’t forget the stars you longed for only rise in the darkness

just a really pretty but heart wrenching lyric in the context of the entire song. he’s also used this metaphor several times. i love me a good string of consistency with minor adaptations to fit the vibe. this song also made me cry the first time i read the translations lmao.

my universe - coldplay ft bts

Because the trial we face now is just for a moment anyway; All you have to do is to just keep shining bright like now; And we will follow you, embroidering this long night

this could mean so many things depending on how you wanted to contextualize it. of course the song is about love, so you could view it in that way. we’re in the midst of a global pandemic where we can’t see each other. or maybe it’s simply existence. continue to exist and one day your bright light will be followed even in the darkest of nights.

also the og title of telepathy being 잠시 (for a moment) is so...min yoongi you are so cool

people - agust d

Did someone say humans are the animals of wisdom?; The way I see it, humans are the animals of regret

Your ordinaries are my extraordinaries; Your extraordinaries are my ordinaries; Your ordinaries are my extraordinaries; Your extraordinaries are my ordinaries

super simple to understand which i think makes it more poignant. especially if you contextualize it with everything he’s said or written regarding the plight of fame and how he himself grapples with it as min yoongi.

28 - agust d ft niihwa

just this whole song. if song request encapsulates yoongi’s musical ethos, this captures a lot of his general musings.

paradise - bts

Just living like this, surviving like this, that’s my small dream; Dreaming dreams, grasping dreams, breathing breaths, it’s often too much

a more blunt take on the simply existing is a good enough dream. yoongi’s 2018 new years message was one of the things that made me go “yes. Him™” so paradise is very <3 for me

interlude: shadow - bts

Flying high scares me; I mean, nobody had told me; how lonely it is here –;how my leap could be my fall

another thing he uses frequently, even as recently as an interview regarding permission to dance. the contemplation of how a fall is far scarier than landing because getting back up is uncertain.

Yeah, I’m you and you’re me, do you finally get that now?; Yeah, you’re me and I’m you, do you finally get that now?

the entirety of this song is haunting particularly paired with the sampling and the music video as a visual but this part is just...the whole idea of competing internal voices throughout the narrative of the song or if you’d rather truly treat the lyrics like a piece of literature, you have quite the unreliable narrator, one that’s trying to grapple with his own sense of self.

140503 at dawn - agust d

Pretending that I’m not lonely, pretending that I’m not suffering; needlessly pretending that I’m okay, and pretending hard that I’m strong; I built a wall in front of me, “Don’t come inside”; I’m an island in this wide ocean, “Don’t abandon me”

the entirety of agust d just makes me ache but i mainly pulled this part because he uses the island metaphor consistently. here, it’s used like i said before; achingly.

this song also gets overlooked a lot in the larger context of agust d but anyway

eight - IU ft suga

Island, yeah this is an island; a small island that we made for each other; Yeah, mm, forever young, the word ‘forever’ is a sandcastle; A farewell is just like an emergency text warning of a disaster; A morning met together with yearning; As each of us pass this eternity, we’re sure to meet again on this island

can i be honest and say i forgot this song came out at the beginning of the pandemic. anyway, if you haven’t heard the various times that jieun has spoke about this song and it’s conveyance, i encourage you to. the music video also gives a beautiful visual.

i wrote a small analysis of this when it came out so i’ll just put it here 

burn it - agust d ft max

I hope you don’t forget that giving up decisively also counts as courage

of course this can absolutely be taken at a literal meaning especially considering he said a similar iteration of this to someone on kkul fm BUT i also like looking at it in context of the entire song because maybe this is him trying to convince himself too, especially considering the wording of the last chorus doesn’t change it so it implies in order to get past the fire u need to let it burn first? burn it = giving up on some aspect of pain?

i see why max didn’t shut up for eight months about making this song i wouldn’t either hello

outro: tear - bts

im including this one firstly because i love the song but secondly to say i knew the second u all were surprised by yoongi saying he wrote this as essentially a break up song for bts and they all cried while listening to it that y’all don’t actually read or interact w their lyrics fjdklafjsd

just bc it’s a rap song doesn’t mean it’s a diss or a flex. weirdos.

intro: never mind - bts

I hope you forget about all your mistakes and such; Never mind; It’s not easy, but engrave this in your heart; If you think you’re going to crash, accelerate more, you idiot; Never mind, never mind; Whatever thorny path it may be, go run; Never mind, never mind; There are a lot of things that you can’t control

the entire composition of nevermind is similar to first love and shadow to me where you can just hear the emotion in his voice while performing it

this is also another general idea that he mentions a few different times through different songs which as we’ve seen i am <3 for

intro: the most beautiful moment in life - bts

once again i don’t have a specific lyric to pull i just love this song so much and i feel like it isn’t talked about enough because first of all the use of the basketball throughout the instrumental, the incorporation of the origin of his stage name into an entire song regarding his general existence as a performer and coming into the beginnings of sizeable fame, and just his general way of essentially writing one giant ode to something he loves and analogizing it to something else he loves to talk through internal struggles.

aka im once again saying min yoongi you’re so cool

first love - bts

same line of awe from above this whole song is just a story, a poem, a journal entry, a beautiful confession, i don’t know. this is yoongi’s best bts solo u can argue with a wall about it also if you were able to see this live i hope u have a terrible week (im joking)

every fancam i’ve ever seen of this makes me cry. so. do with that what you will in regards to how i feel about this song.

[katecarteir]

you can’t believe what’s happening now

pairing: eddie kaspbrak/richie tozier [reddie] word count: 2,261 chapter 1 of 3 beta’d by: @appojoos & @photoboothreddie summary: And yet, Eddie found his feet taking to the Tozier house, standing in the backyard, looking up at Richie Tozier’s bedroom window. It was lit up, looking soft and overly inviting, but Eddie didn’t sneak out of his house to just go into somebody else’s. Eddie picked up a small rock from the ground and tossed it upwards. ⤹ what was supposed to be a small birthday gift for my dearest @eddiekaspprak​ back literally in november but has ended up not being done even close to on time and i’m now splitting up into chapters. hi i love you. 

read on ao3.

perma taglist: @jwilliambyers​, @eddiekaspprak​​, @photoboothreddie​, @appojoos​, @s-s-georgie​, @chaotickaspbrak​, @eddiefuckinkaspbrak​, @edstozler​, @emgays​, @anellope​, @thorn-harvester-ven​, @wheezyeds​, @vipertooth​, @tozierking​, @billdenbrough​, @itfandomprompts​, @bevchie​, @loserslibrary​ (let me know if you want added!)

It’s not that Eddie Kaspbrak hated his mother. It felt nearly impossible to hate somebody that loved you so much. Too much, Eddie knew. His mother’s love was all-consuming, smothering and didn’t come free. The weight of it threatened to crush him at any given time, and he had to pay for it. He paid for it in freedom, and peace. He paid for it with a crushing weight in his gut and a tightness in his chest that wasn’t anything close to asthmatic. Eddie Kaspbrak was seventeen years old and he was one bad day away from erupting stomach ulcers. 

Eddie didn’t slam his bedroom door, no matter how much he wanted to. He knew that it would only bring his mother to the bottom of the stairs to scream up at him. She wouldn’t make the trip all the way up just for the fight, but Eddie wasn’t in the mood to listen to her yelling anymore. He couldn’t really handle being in the same house as her right now. 

Frowning, Eddie turned towards his bedroom window. He clenched his fists at his sides and bit down on his bottom lip. Eddie wondered for a moment if he was brave. He knew he’d been brave once before. He’d done brave things, things braver than most people his age could ever imagine doing. He’d seen things, been through things. Eddie Kaspbrak knew he was strong. He just forgot sometimes. 

Since the Losers Club had started splitting up, moving across the country and overall falling apart, Eddie though he wasn’t as brave as he used to be. He rarely ever felt like the boy who’d stood up to his mother in the hospital, or kicked at a demon clown in the sewers while covered in sludge. He wondered if he had what it took to be that boy again, or if he was gone from his conscious forever. 

Eddie grabbed the sweater that was hanging on the back of his desk chair, laid out for school the next morning, and figured that the only way to find that boy was to try and force him back out. Eddie pushed his window up and smiled as the chilly fall air hit his face. His mom always went full lock down this time of year. Allergies this, cold weather that. As a result, Eddie always spent the entirety of October stuck inside of the house when he wasn’t at school. Eddie craved fall with a sort of crazy intensity that he’d never experienced with anything before. 

Eddie pulled his running shoes out from under his bed and quickly climbed out of the window frame. He froze for a moment, looking down at the two story fall that was threatening him, and squeezed his eyes shut. He took a short, shaking breath and reached for the tree branch. He leapt, smacking against the trunk as he wrapped his arms tightly around it and pressed his face against the rough wood. Eddie let out a loud, shaky breath and smiled against his own control. He let out a breathy laugh and looked up towards the starry sky. Mike Hanlon always told him that the stars weren’t as visible in other places— cities and high population states—with all the lights and cars. Eddie had always thought that the stars were pretty, but he swore on this night, they were an all new level of beautiful.

Eddie skimmed his way down the tree, clutching hard to each branch and reminding himself not to be afraid with every step down. He reached the ground on shaking legs, and pressed his hands over his mouth as he steadied himself. He laughed into his hands, attempting to stifle it as he glanced towards his living room window. He could see the shifting lights of the TV screen and he backed away slowly as though she’d be able to hear his steps from inside when he knew perfectly well that she couldn’t even hear the phone ringing in the same room as her when she was in front of the television set. 

Eddie ran into his first problem when he got to the curb. He didn’t have any sort of plan, or any idea of where he was going. He pondered for a moment, but he knew he couldn’t just turn around and go back into his room when he’d already gotten so far. The momentary panic over where to go passed quickly. There was only one true answer either way.

Moving into their senior year of high school, The Losers Club was mostly dismantled. Beverly had left the same summer of IT, and Bill’s family had left not long into the school year. They’d moved clear across the ocean to get away from the haunting images of Georgie at every corner in town, and Eddie couldn’t blame them. He knew they all had ghosts in this town, but the Denbrough’s were much closer to the surface at any given point in time. Ben’s family had left during sophomore year, very suddenly. It had felt like one day he was there, and the next he simply… wasn’t anymore. Mike had been much further ahead in the curriculum when he’d switched into public school for high school, ending up a year ahead of the other Losers, and had already graduated. He’d started at the University of Bangor a month earlier, and though he came home every weekend, Eddie didn’t see him much anymore. And Stan- well, Eddie strongly supposed that Richie was the only person who still saw Stanley Uris outside of school, and mostly because Richie refused to let Stan push him away like he’d done with everybody else after IT. Eddie respected Richie’s friendship and loyalty to Stan, even when it made his stomach twinge with something icky and annoying when he thought about it for more than a short moment. 

Eddie still saw Richie around, they ate lunch together most days and sat together in their classes, but in the last few months, something in their friendship had shifted. Eddie knew he was partly—okay mostly—responsible for the rift between them but he often told himself that it wasn’t as though Richie fought him on it either. Eddie wasn’t sure he wanted him to, because as much as he missed Richie something fierce, Eddie had some misgivings he had to work through on his own. 

And yet, Eddie found his feet taking him to the Tozier house, standing in the backyard, looking up at Richie Tozier’s bedroom window. It was lit up, looking soft and overly inviting, but Eddie didn’t sneak out of his house to just go into somebody else’s. Eddie picked up a small rock from the ground and tossed it upwards. 

He paused for another moment, and was reaching for a second rock, when the window above opened slowly and a messy head of hair popped out. Eddie’s heart stuttered as he looked up, and he couldn’t hold back his grin. 

“Eds?” Richie called out, and Eddie could barely see how his face crinkled up. Eddie waved in what he knew was a dorky fashion, but it didn’t matter much when it made Richie grin. “Isn’t it past your curfew?”

Eddie shrugged one shoulder. “What’s she going to do about it? Ground me?”

“You want me to let you in?” Richie asked. 

“Nah.” Eddie said. “Come down here.”

“Okay…” Richie chuckled. “I’ll meet you at the front door. Which you could have just knocked on, by the way.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Eddie asked with a waggle of his brows that he knew Richie wouldn’t be able to see even with his glasses on. Richie shook his head and closed the window, and Eddie half-skipped towards the Tozier’s front door. He was giddy with some sort of deep excitement that he didn’t want to put too much thought into. He felt as if he waited forever outside the Tozier house before Richie finally came out the door. He bounced over and kissed Eddie wetly on the cheek andEddie hoped that the darkness of the night time would cover up his flush. Richie’s arm wrapped around his shoulder, pressing Eddie against his side. “So, what’s the plan, my love?” 

Eddie knew the darkness couldn’t cover up the full blush this time, and he turned his face away. Richie kept his arm around him. “I don’t know.” Eddie said honestly. “I didn’t really have a plan at all. I just saw my window and the next thing I knew, I was in a tree.”

“Little rebel Eds!” Richie cheered, jostling Eddie. “I always knew you had it in you! You’re braver than you think!”

“Thanks, Rich.” Eddie said bashfully. “But really, I don’t have any sort of plan. We could go to the Quarry or something? If you want to?”

“Nah.” Richie said. Eddie looked up, surprised, and his stomach jumped at the twinkle in Richie’s eye. “We can go to the Quarry anytime. This is your first time sneaking out, we gotta do something exciting. Something we’ve never done before.”

“I don’t think there’s anything in Derry that we’ve never done before.” Eddie said, his voice coming out just a little too sad. Richie frowned, his brow dipping down and Eddie’s heart fluttered as guilt ticked at the back of his neck. “But it’s fine, really, we can just—”

Richie grinned before he reached down and grabbed Eddie’s hand, beginning to tug him down the dark street. Eddie gasped as his feet hit the ground in a rush to keep up with Richie’s pace. He didn’t want to trip over his own feet, and drag them both down. 

“Richie!” Eddie cried, half laughing, half gasping. He was terrified that he would trip and fall, but Richie didn’t seem to have any of those fears at all, taking large strides and Eddie didn’t feel out of breath at all. They took the darkening streets of Derry faster than Eddie had ever travelled without running from something terrifying. 

Eddie wasn’t sure exactly how long they ran for, mostly silent aside from the occasional burst of laughter from one or the other, but before Eddie knew it they were running up towards the train station. The lights were on inside, and Eddie felt his heart flutter in his chest. He looked over to Richie, who was smiling at the building while the light reflected in his eyes. He turned to Eddie, their hands still joined, and tugged him inside. 

The man behind the glass had given Eddie the creeps since he was just a little boy getting on the train with his mother to visit her sisters. Before Eddie learned first hand that the world was crawling with monsters, he’d thought Gordon at the Train Station was the scariest thing he’d ever seen. With sheet white skin, blue eyes that seemed inhumanly large for his face and black hair that he slicked back with so much hair product it looked permanently wet. At five years old, Eddie had once cried to his mother about the vampire at the station. Sonia had had no time for such whims and foolish fears, but even after defeating an evil kid eating clown, Gordon still freaked Eddie out. 

Richie’s hand tightened around Eddie’s as though he knew, and he stood mostly in front of Eddie as he approached the counter. “Two tickets for Chamberlain please.”

Eddie blinked at Richie, frowning in confusion. He knew that Gordon was probably giving him quite a similar look. Chamberlain was a town not too far from Derry, but people did not get off at Chamberlain. It was a ghost town, long since abandoned by all their residents. If rumours were to be believed, there had been some sort of terrible massacre at the high school, and nobody had been able to stomach living there any longer. Within two weeks, each house on every block stood empty and buildings fell into ruins. Eddie supposed it must have been something a little deeper than just some high school students dying for the entire town to up to leave. After all, Eddie lived in a town where children got snatched out of the streets and were never heard from again, and most of the residents barely blinked. 

“Now what business do you have out in Chamberlain, boy?” Gordon asked, leaning forward on his elbows and glaring at Richie through the scratched and dirty glass. “That whole place is a ghost town, ain’t nothing for you there.” 

Richie raised his brow and gave him a half smirk. “Is it in your job description to inquire why every passenger is going to their destination, or is it just to sell tickets and look miserable all the fucking time?”

Gordon scowled at Richie and Eddie stepped slightly to duck further behind Richie.  “Have it your way, kid.” Gordon slid two tickets under the window and gave them both what almost appeared to be sympathetic looks. “Y’all keep your money, I’m not about taking cash from people walking into their deaths. You can pay me if you make it back.”

Eddie’s mouth dropped open, but Richie seemed to take it in stride. “Sick.” He said, grabbing the tickets off the counter and ducking towards the outside platform. Eddie remained, frozen to the spot. Gordon held eye contact with him until Eddie felt his skin break out into goosebumps and he physically had to look away.

“You take care of yourself, Kaspbrak.” Gordon said in a low voice, before taking hold of the window shade and pulling it remove himself from view. 

[cleverangelwasteland]

The story of X and social media

X loved to draw since they were a child . X bought pencils , coloring books when they were young and they did everything they can to draw everyday. X was happy . Also X was proud and showed people their work .

X’s work was far from good but still they were content . Then in 2012 a platform called amino was created. X was sharing their work and getting feedback . X was still happy. Later on that year an app called Instagram launched .X was skeptical but at the same time excited to use this new platform . X posted everyday , and even though they started with 10-15 likes they were improving . Fast forward to the end  2015, X is no longer very young and have a message they want to convey in art .X started to get criticism about anatomy which they took well and asked for help in anatomy . X and X’s sensei ( the helper they met online ) had body drawing lessons daily for the entirety of 2016 and 2017 . X drew poses , shapes , studied the anatomy of the body , the muscles , read books and watched many many videos . X even posed for the drawings to see if the pose works . X was happy they were learning something . Also X would repeat the same pose many times and would split the body to shapes and boxes and would practice along late hours along with schoolwork so basically X’s day was full with little time to sleep.  X also memorized the muscles and read many anatomy books like the anatomy for sculptors . They also learned loomis method for faces and these 2 years were just practice to the point that x drew 300 drawings in a month between poses and copied work so X can get a better learning perspective.

Opposite to X’ s sensei’s opinion , X decided to recheck on their Instagram which they haven’t done in 2 years . Not even once. X drew something and posted it while being proud of their improvement but they got way less engagement than what they had before .X was still not discouraged and decided to try again so they did a drawing that shows everything they learned , using a full body pose with an angle and shading . basically everything they could do and spend a long time working on what they thought was their masterpiece .

X uploaded and got a comment , which they hastily checked . The comment said the following : “ You suck , I’ll go away to clean my eyes , your drawings should be used as memes .”

X was heartbroken , ofc they were sad and they discussed it with sensei who said that is why they were against reopening X’s instagram account . But X is so used to not getting their way in life , that they decided to go on with it . X posted a few things and some comments were “ your anatomy sucks , study anatomy .”X felt like someone punched them and said to themselves “ But this is what I have been doing for the past 2 years .” X thought : “ I quit here , I quit what I already had just to study anatomy and that is the result?!” Still one of X’s work was featured by a big page and got 1K likes.

Nonetheless X still got back to drawing . Sensei suggested that X draws more real life drawings so X started drawing from a show that was starting called “ game of thrones “ X drew women , men , creatures , objects , perspective and would still repeat it until it looks right and would ask their old art circle to fix-doodle on their work .  X felt like they have a huge bag of knowledge and a 3D camera in their head . If X focuses and closed their eyes they could see the human body from different angle realistically . Sometimes that sumo wrestler X drew to broaden their knowledge on body types would haunt them in their nightmares.

X stayed like this till 2019 .   Forgot to say X was bullied (  back in 2014 )at school , made fun of and always alone. X wasn’t liked and that is where X’s habit of pleasing everybody triggered . X did whatever everyone else wanted eventhough they weren’t included in their activities and was a cast out. 

X cleaned the gym area. X picked up stray balls in sports class . X made sure to please the teachers . X signed up to everything just to feel a sense of achievement . X was unhappy and no longer had the time to draw. X then bought a digital drawing tablet as they can no longer carry their art supplies around when they were in college .

X drew everywhere . In the breaks , lunch break , just name it and they’ll be drawing. X even met someone who took a course in the art department and offered to do their art homework as the other party was struggling. The other party got  a 96/100 and came back thanking X . X felt a bit of validation like maybe their work is worth something debunking X’s thought about maybe being delusional . X suddenly grew quicker on social media , Not so big but since 2012 to 2018 they only had 400 followers so less than a follower a week . X suddenly jumped to 600 affirmating to them that at least they are doing something right . Previously X joined a drawing circle in their local community . And they were treated as non existent so the notion of building an audience was something new to X . They never had friends or any kind of support and they didn;t believe someone would take   the time to comment on their work . Still X was still getting more and more comments about anatomy making X wonder where did they go wrong , so they decided to go back to square one and have a new anatomy study month .X went to youtube , discord servers and reddit s well as more anatomy tutorials by established artists and more books . 

X would get a skeleton and lower its opacity then draw above it all the muscles shapes ( not their name really ) from memory . X compared it with the scientific schematic and found it very similar . Later on that year and after 7 years +of actively drawing , X got their first commission , at first they refused to be paid as if they weren’t open for commissions but the commissioner insisted . later on X did a few commissioned work and a customer was so happy they paid extra . This kind of boosted X’s self esteem as they were having a hard time . Forward to 2020 X did many commissions but it is the year where everyone keeps commenting on X’s work  “ Go study anatomy , you lack in the basics , you look like you just started “ . X felt a big stab in the back as during those 8 years they have been active in , X studied anatomy solely for a total of 2 years and a year in short term practices . X went back and forth to the basics so many times and didn’t skip a day of practice. 

X’s mental health and self esteem quickly deteriorated as they would leave social media then realize they need it to make money and come back to it . X haven’t had a commission in a while which is another blow to their self esteem.

Also X refused a job offer to draw for an animation which will be broadcasted due to the blow to their self esteem.

Also X saw online many artists making so much money by selling art where there are clear anatomical flaws and they get all the love and positive comments unlike X . X started doubting their eyes , thinking “ maybe I am really delusional “ ... Some of those artists have edgy scribbled lines in their lineart , really high eyes leaving no space for the cranium , drawing side views without thinking of the thickness of the body and drawing ears way below the ear zone . sometimes far eyes so the eyes reach the “ forbidden ear zone” necks starting from after or before the ears , people not taking into consideration the the deltoid muscle is like a “ cap “ above the biceps and so on .  But these people were more popular than X  and made more money/ were very successful .

X didn’t understand why they were getting the anatomy comments and why these other people were not.  X felt that they cannot use their knowledge anywhere but still felt that they know a lot .X feels like their knowledge deserves more and that all the pride they felt knowing this much doesn’t deserve this . X changed their style and anatomy 20 times this year and experimented with everything but they couldn’t please everyone and more and more people tell X their improvement looks  a day old not years old when they post redraws.

X lost pride in their work and the joy in drawing because of how social media and the unfairness of its algorithms affect them , instead of making really good artists popular it made a message that you need to have luck and not really the basic skills and that you could get away by tracing or copying.

Now X sent this to this account as they are asking for help , they deactivated everything and are sitting there just with knowledge and 8 years of efficient hard work betraying them .X lost their friends , their family and all support they could have .  X asked the mod  to share their story so others are aware how social media functions for artists and how many people are quitting because of it . Send us your story so we could feature yours too for awareness.

[zerotexas1975]

lights out (part 1);

↳ pairing: taehyung x female reader

↳ genre: friends to lovers au | horror | crack | fluff | smut

↳ word count: 2,254

↳ warnings: cursing, smut for the next part

↳ summary: when your apartment is haunted on a Halloween day but not really.

part 1 | part 2 (final) | masterlist

First thing you notice when you wake up is that all of your doors and drawers are open.

You squint your eyes at the bright light of your phone when you reach one hand to grab it at the nightstand, rolling to your side in the comfort of one of Taehyung’s sweaters you stole.

There are no particular messages you want to reply, so you get up and pad into the corridor to the kitchen dragging your bare feets on the floor and closing all of the doors in the way - and you would have put more thoughts into it if you weren’t so thirsty.

You place your phone at the open kitchen counter and open your refrigerator to fill a glass with ice and water. You massage the side of your head and while you down the welcomed drink, you wonder how and why you are still alive - when the image of Taehyung taking care of you flash in front of your eyes.

Ah, right. Your best friend might be evil and he did dare you last night to drink all of those shots, but he still took you home and helped you in your bed - probably forced down your throat one advil or two too.

You smile to yourself, the fond one you only have reserved to Taehyung and whenever you think about him.

The water you just had felt refreshing though made you feel a little nauseous and you crouch down to open the cabinet under the sink in order to find another pill.

You wince both at the sound of a new message that arrived running throughout the silent place and to the fact that you hit your head when you jumped scared, cursing under your breath after getting up and turning around to grab the device - but stop with your hand froze in the air because when you see it is not there.

A frown adorn your face and you bend over the counter to see if it fell from there and find it on the floor of the living room, meters away from where you left it.

You pick it up at the same time another two messages arrives and you don’t think about anything anymore - the light pain on your head momentarily but easily forgotten when you read the name on the screen.

You feel the smile creeping up on your lips and the way your heartbeat increases, but ignore them as usual.

taetae (11:21): is my dude okay? didn’t drown on your own vomit, did you?

taetae (11:22): should i check?

taetae (11:22): dont forget about the partytttt

you (11:23): stop calling me that

you (11:23): and im alright, you took good care of me ♡

you (11:24): i still hate you though this is your fault

taetae (11:25): not really??? and you love me

you (11:25): hm

taetae (11:26): ㅠ_ㅠ

you (11:26): whatever lmao see you later

taetae (11:27): ( ＾∇＾)

You roll your eyes and go back to the kitchen, shoving your phone into the pocket of your sweater.

You move around to make yourself some simple breakfast, something that will stay inside of your stomach without much effort and not long after you are sitting at the cold floor and eating, the other pill already swallowed.

You munch on your food, thinking about Taehyung’s text and the past week.

You see, there’s this tradition between you and your friends - that started not much after you all entered college. It’s when you find a way, no matter what, to spend a whole week together.

And they chose what they say is the best time of the year.

They chose Halloween.

So every last week of october you find yourself getting drunk, doing stupid things - because you are all stupids, but seeing each other at least.

That was the way you all managed to keep in contact. And yes, you might curse them all for the entirety of the month of november, but dude you have fun.

Even if you can’t remember half of the things that happened - and still have fresh on your mind the ones you wanted to forget.

Like Taehyung avoiding you like the plague yesterday at one point.

You think how it shouldn’t be important, seeing as he took care of you later and texted you today like nothing happened - but he didn’t stay the night. And he always he did.

Pushing the thought away and laughing briefly at the image of - please listen, a drunk Seulgi asking the DJ of the nightclub to play the music theme of Winx Club, you stand up and place the empty plate at the sink.

Taking in one deep breath you stretch your body, feeling slightly better. A nap would make you feel renewed.

Your body stiffen though when you hear the loud pitched voice of a comedian echoing through the thin walls of the apartment - it comes from the TV at the living room, you think, and you frown deeply when you see the images dancing in front of you when you approach it.

The volume is all the way up, and you twist around looking for the remote - giving up when you don’t find it and pressing the single button at the TV to turn it off.

You space out, arms hanging loose at your sides and eyes wide. Your mind force yourself to remind of the open doors and drawers and then the way your phone appeared on the living room when you swear you placed it on the kitchen counter, and now this.

You laughed incredulously now.

You blame hungover and your sleepy state when you woke up and shrug the bad feeling off of your body.

Not that you have really bad hangovers after being taken care of, and not that you were that sleepy when you woke up - but today is the exception. You will pretend at least that today is different.

Unfortunately, your day is really different. Unfortunately because it is not in the way you expected it to be.

Really weird things happened while you tried to distract yourself with chores - that you decided you’d be doing after you tossed helplessly around in bed trying to take a nap.

The shower turned on while you were inside your room and the lights flickered so many times that at one point you lost count. You heard the front door cracking open and then shutting twice, the TV was loud again and you were too scared to go back to the living room - so you just reached your arm out and with the remote of the TV in your room you turned it off.

But what made you snap and take a few clothes and important documents (because you are responsible and smart) and shove them inside a bag was the power.

One moment you were curled up in your bed with headphones and loud music playing, and the other you were screaming because the whole house becomes pitch black - all of your electric appliances shutting down in that characteristic sound.

-

“Well demon, you want my house?” You sigh, taking one last look at your beloved apartment before shouting the next sentence that followed with the loud bang of the door shutting close, “you fucking have it!”

You huff under your breath, carrying the heavy bag you arranged behind you, “I’m going to live in a church,” you muttered. “God bless me.”

You were so irritated that a demon had the courage to haunt your apartment that you didn’t notice that yours was the only one without energy.

Nor the person carefully hidden in the corner, close to the panel boards. Your panel board.

-

Taehyung practices his most serious yet surprised expression in front of the mirror before turning around to open the door and welcome you.

“Hi?” he looks at you with said expression and proud.

You enter his house without waiting for invitation - not that you needed it but you always had good manners, and drop your heavy bag on the floor.

“The party is one hour away,” he eyed you up and down. “Why you are not dressed yet?”

“My house is haunted and I’m going to sleep here with you until the demon decides to have mercy on me and leave.” You cry and your brows knitted together the moment you noticed how crazy you sounded.

You think though that this is not important, not when you are going through something like this.

And Taehyung is just as crazy as you and all of your friends combined - that’s saying a lot because you are friends with Kim Seokjin, so he is not one to judge you.

He covers his mouth with a fist, turning his laugh into a cough before you see it, “a demon?”

“Well,” you click your tongue. “Yeah, maybe some kind of spiritual shit that I don’t have the mental stability to deal with.”

Is just now that you take a good look in Taehyung and see he is wearing a purple suit, and his hair is sprayed with a bright green color. You pout, “I forgot about that.”

“What are you waiting for now that you are here?” He grabs you by the shoulder and guide you to his room, running back to grab your bag to place it gently in your arms.

He did not hear a word you said?

“I-“ you look at him hesitantly before deciding that you can talk to him about it later. You don’t want to ruin his halloween night with something that you hope is just inside of your head, “I don’t have my fantasy here with me.”

He raises one eyebrow at you before entering the room and disappearing inside of the closet. The sound of his voice comes low from there when he calls for your name.

“Here you go,” he hands you a paper bag after you met him and when you grab and open it your jaw drop.

“B-but how?” your confused expression is too cute for him to deal with when you see your Batman fantasy inside the bag, so he bend over you to kiss your cheek.

Sure, you bought it together but you know you took it home with you.

You were sure, and now you are scared of going mad at such a young age. What a waste.

Taehyung is once again holding his laugh back in his throat because of the way you look at him. He move to the left little enough to peck your nose and then he is shutting the door behind him to give you some privacy.

“Don’t take too long, I’ll need help with my makeup!” You hear his voice through the door and sigh in defeat.

-

“Stop moving,”

“Sorry.” He said for the nth time.

“Shush, Tae,” you rub your thumb over his mouth until the red lipstick is all smudged.

You low your hand but can’t take your eyes off of his lips; not that you never noticed but today they are specially soft. They felt soft under your fingers too. Somehow you can even feel it against yours. And you wonder if- “Done!”

Taehyung almost fall off the chair with your outburst and you are stepping back until the back of your knees hits the couch.

You don’t know that, but he was wondering the same thing. Not how your lips felt - that he knew, but about kissing you. And he was just relieved as you were because of your outburst, though the reasons differed.

He watched the way you turned to the mirror and nervously straightened your clothes, a side smile on his face and heart fluttering. You have no idea how excited he is to that party, yet he wasn’t about to deny how nervous he felt. What if his friends were all wrong?

“Why is it called a Batman fantasy when it’s a dress?” You say looking down at your clothes.

He stands up and approach you from behind, holding your back against his chest and resting his chin on the crown of your head, “because it was made for man to look at.”

You elbow him on the stomach playfully, and he moves from behind you with a pained expression. You stick your tongue out to him teasingly and he pinch your arm until you pull him away.

“Child,” he said.

You shrugged, grabbing your phone from the Batman’s utility belt, “c’me here so we can take a nice pic,”

He posed at your side, and in the end after so many pictures and selfies you were laughing at each other’s silly faces.

“Hey, we look good,” you had your eyes in one of the pictures, but he was watching your reflection from the mirror.

He said softly that yes, we do. And your eyes moved from the bright screen to meet his.

How come he looks so hot dressed as the fucking Joker?

The silence that engulfed the room is not weird, but the way the air shifts around you two and how you feel the tension between your bodies makes you gulp, almost thanking loudly when both yours and Taehyung’s phones buzz in your hands.

He is the one to read the message and pull you by the hand out of the house and towards his car, “we should get going, they are waiting for us.”

You don’t know if it was the greatest or worst timing your friends had.

A/N: this was a halloween special that was updated too late after halloween but at least it was out haha thank you for reading and please let me know what you think about this first part!

[talltalesandbedtimestories]

Temporary Ideal (Part 1)

The Beach FanFic (Leonardo DiCaprio) - Written decades ago. (uff!) Can find in entirety on Wattpad. May add additional parts if it ever gets some likes/reblogs.

~~~~~

The shade from the palm made the dampness of the air around me more palpable.  I could feel the condensation on my arms, face and lips.  I shivered in the early dawn, waiting for him.  Waiting and thinking.  This spot, near Bugs’ bridge, was the unofficial entrance to the village. It was where I had laid eyes on him for the first time.  I remembered it clearly, like it was yesterday.  Recalling that moment, surrounded by the soft rays of a new day, it was hard to believe it had been six months since the “Three Musketeers” had backpacked into our community.

~~~~~

It happened right after Vera had thrown me the last of the bed sheets.  I had taken the worn nub of the last remains of Unhygenix’s homemade soap, and rubbed it lazily against the sheet draped over the granite slab.  I hated laundry duty.  Even though Vera moaned and groaned when we had the garden shift, I would gladly trade in my pruned fingers for dirt strewn ones.  There was the quiet that was only disrupted by the buzz of an insect or the occasional tears of dead leaves. The hope experienced planting seeds for the new crop. Picking the ripe fruit and sneaking a taste of one, delicious pear before the rest of the community.  My innate green thumb surprised me.  I wouldn’t have looked twice at a cornfield or row of tomato plants in my “other” life. Here, though, things were different.

“Oh… my… God!”  Vera’s faux valley girl inflection had taken over for a moment.  Alarmed, I froze, staring down at the water flowing past my bare thighs.  The last time Vera had voiced that exclamation while doing the wash had been when she had a spotted eel wrapped around her calf.  We never were sure if the eel was very friendly, very horny or very tired of intruders in that particular spot of the lagoon.  She had grabbed that sucker and smashed it against a rock like a bullwhip.  Poor thing never knew what hit him, or her, or it.  I made a mental note never to sneak up on Vera after that.

“What?”  My focus shifted to Vera’s line of sight, which hadn’t been the water.  My mouth opened slightly, feeling the dryness that had suddenly appeared.  I’m sure everyone in the community had the same feeling at that moment.  There they were, walking over the bridge, entering our territory.  Keaty led the way.  His tour of duty by the waterfall had turned out to be the most eventful one in two years.

“Three.”  Vera waded toward the bridge.  My mind had quickly processed the total.  My attention was all on the person following six steps behind Keaty.  I could tell immediately that he was American.  I’m not sure what gave him away first, but the quick nod of recognition he gave Vera solidified it.

American.  Even though I felt fear and uncertainty at their presence, I still smiled.  There was another one of us.  Four now.  And there was another reason I was smiling.  That flight of butterflies that had remained dormant in my stomach for what now seemed like an eternity, was performing aerials I couldn’t remember ever experiencing.  It may have just boiled down to the fact that there was new meat.  Available meat.  It was obvious, the solitary way he strode ahead of the other man and woman, that he was alone.

He was tan, lean and long.  Everything about him screamed California boy, kissed by the sun from his golden-brown strands to the shine of his skin.  He tightly gripped the end of what looked like a trash bag over his right shoulder, eyes darting this way and that, taking in the entirety of the environment.  He passed over me as quickly as he had everyone else.  I was too far away to make out the color of his eyes, but his stare was intense enough for me to feel he meant business.  They hadn’t just stumbled across our paradise.  This had been a quest.  And I was pretty sure he was the one who had been in charge for most of it.

Vera looked over to me after they had passed.  “Let’s hurry this shit up and get our asses back to the longhouse.  I don’t want to miss Sal’s face when she sees this.”  I nodded in agreement, and then shook my head at the thought of Sal’s expression. I hoped I would be able to get some prime seating.

~~~~~ 

We slipped in after the impromptu “family meeting” had already taken place.

Sophie stood in the darkened corner and motioned quickly to both of us as soon as we came in.  We huddled together for catch up.

“They have a map.”  Sophie nodded her head toward the middle of the longhouse, where the majority now congregated.  Sal was in full mother-hen mode.  I spotted the paper in her hand.

“To the beach?”  Vera asked and Sophie nodded.  My eyes canvassed the area.  I saw the back of blonde boy.  “Who are they?”  Vera questioned again.

“The couple is French.”  I looked over at Sophie in time to see a slight smile.  It would be an addition to the already large French line.  “Etienne and Francoise.  The other one is Richard.  An American.”

Richard.  I let the name dance in my head a few times, unable to hide the vindication that my guess to his nationality had been correct.  I didn’t need to hear any more from Sophie.  I walked around the circle, just outside the radar of being noticed.  Blending into the background had always been my best skill and too much was going on for anyone to pay attention to me anyway.  They were all fixated on the visitors.  I could spot rage on some faces, fear on others.  But Sal would not let these new arrivals leave.  I had known her long enough to realize that fact.

I sat on my bunk thankful Richard was on the exact opposite end.  My legs crossed.  I could hear the buzz of conversation around me.  All of my senses besides sight had dulled, been drowned out, by the activity occupying me.  Taking in every aspect of this man was now top priority.  Boyishness graced his face, but the dominance of the man emerging was putting up a fierce battle with that appearance.  In his 20s definitely, but as to which end of the scale he tipped closer to was still up in the air.  The beauty and symmetry of his face elicited one word into my mind.  Perfect.  The shadows of late afternoon, however, didn’t allow a peek at his eye color.  The somber, stuffy atmosphere of the hut matched the mood of its inhabitants.

My hearing tuned in at the sound of his voice, answering a question from Sal.  I let the pitch and tone of his words flow inside.  Even his words felt right to my ears.  “It was on my hotel door one morning.  I’d had this weird conversation with a guy staying next door to me the night before.  He kept talking about this beach.  So when I found the map, I figured it was from him.  The guy who drew it…”

“Daffy.”  Sal finished his sentence for him.  The name jarred memories and haunting images of the rift that formed right before Daffy had left the island.  The friction between Daffy, Sal and Bugs had become unbearable.  I wanted to ask about Daffy, but the question only screamed inside my mind.  There would be no disruptions while class was in session, at least not from the well-behaved students.

“Yeah, he’s dead.”  My mouth dropped open, hearing that cold, factual sentence from Richard.  That sentence did not come from one who had spent countless nights listening to Daffy’s stories around the fire.  Not one who had ventured back with him to the mainland at least a dozen times for rice runs.  And not one who had seen the love for something pure turn into an obsession to protect it.  I tried to let the realization of Daffy’s death sink in, but I knew it would take forever to finalize it.  I saw the whispers and stunned expressions take over the group.

Someone, I think Dale, exclaimed, “No way!”

Richard continued.  “Yeah, he cut his wrists open in a hotel room on the Ko Sahn Road.”

Gregorio stared in horror at Richard.  “You have seen this?”

“Well, I came afterwards.”  There was no easy way to break this kind of news to a family.  It was like a police officer knocking at a son’s door in the middle of the night to tell him his parents had been killed in a car accident.  Empathy is a hard feeling to fake.  You just don’t know until you have been there.  I guessed Richard had yet to experience a close death. 

“Well, that’s sad news.  He was one of the founders of our community.”  I spotted Vera, still in the corner with Sophie, listening to Sal.  I hoped she had sense enough to hold her tongue.

“Oh.”  Richard nodded his head slightly.

“But he became depressed.”  There had been a clearing of the throat, somewhere from the crowd, after Sal’s addition.  My stomach tensed up.  It was amazing how fast people forgot all the good.  Most of the bad feelings toward Daffy were present because of Sal’s talks and speeches since he had left.  How he had become a liability, an acceptable loss for the protection of our community.   

I saw Richard survey the reaction quickly.  He had felt the bad blood and my eyes narrowed as I watched him try and feed off of it.  “The police didn’t know what to do with the body so I guess they’re going to like incinerate him or something.”  His smile and sudden laugh felt forced, out of place.  He immediately realized his mistake, turning his head to the side to avoid the eyes of the community.  He scratched the back of his head.

Sal took no note of it.  I knew she was concerned with only one thing.  “Do you think he gave a map to anybody else?”

Richard stared at her for a second, shaking his head in doubt.  “Ah, no… I don’t think so.”  I noticed relief on his face, thankful that the attention had been shifted from his foot-in-mouth display.

She looked at Etienne, Francoise and Richard, one by one.  “And you, have you shown this map to anybody?”

They answered one after the other.  “No.”

“Good.”  She handed the open map to Richard.  I felt another example coming on.  She grabbed Bugs’ lighter and smiled, “We value our secrecy.”  She lighted the map at the bottom as Richard held it.  I heard the clapping begin.  With that, our new members had been baptized.

~~~~~  

After dinner, the nightly ritual of bedtime began for all in the longhouse. The newly arrived were given their sleep locations. I quietly prayed to whatever Thai god had whispered in Sal’s ear and placed him an easy glance across the floor from me. It was a beautiful change of scenery.

Keaty was filling him in on how things ran daily in the hut when Sonja stood up. I sighed. It was a language class tonight. She politely requested everyone’s attention and began her translation prompt.

“Listen up, everybody.” Her blonde bob shook a bit as she scanned the room. Linguistic learning was mainly someone reciting a line in English – which everyone on the island spoke – and expecting a translation in the teacher’s native tongue. In Sonja’s case, we’d be regurgitating the phrase in Croation. I always cursed Sal when it was time for this, as it had been her bright idea to begin this ages ago.  I enjoyed poetry night so much more. I didn’t have to worry about getting called on to speak in front of the class.

“OK. Tomorrow I will travel for many miles on a bicycle.” She nodded her head towards the right of the hut. “Um, Vicki.”

Sitting just off to Richard’s side, Vick stopped in mid hit. I was curious if she had spoken to Richard much upon his arrival. She was a California girl. If my assumptions about where he was from were right, they might have a lot to talk about. She took just a second to contain her smoke before beginning. “Uh, sutra cu potovati mnogo milja bicicklom.”

I watched Richard listen intently before looking to Sonja to see how well Vicki had done. “Great, very good.” Sonja went on to her next victim. Though I should have been paying attention in case I was called, I was spending more time studying Richard.

After Helene, it was Keaty’s turn. In typical fashion, he stood up proudly. “All right. It’s far too easy, though.” With little effort, the words flowed freely out of his mouth. Cockily, he continued the rant. From what I could tell, his bicycle ride was going to be in the park after he ate a big breakfast. I shook my head, laughing at his pompous behavior as the rest of the group jeered. They eventually drowned him out. “There’s more, you know.” Before he sat down he took over Sonja’s duty and called out the next name. “Richard!”

There was an immediate hush. The newbie looked around and cleared his throat. To all listening, he choked out the words in a broken fashion; but, still surprisingly correct. Keaty yelled out in admiration, “Richard, you’re represented, man!” As was customary, the rest of the community applauded in sign language with their hands shaking while raised above their heads. I joined in on the compliment.

Richard grinned from ear to ear as he looked around the room. I felt that hiccup in my chest again as his eyes fell on me for a brief second. His eyes sparkled in the lantern lights. It was time to curse myself for being such a sucker for blue eyes.

~~~~~  

Six months later, he was still only someone I studied from afar.  There was the occasional friendly or duty-related chit-chat.  But he had assimilated quickly, making a name for himself in the process.  He still had a while to go, still only the second-string quarterback of the island.  I, on the other hand, was hardly in the running for head cheerleader or homecoming queen. 

He had become chummy with Keaty.  I had gotten most of my information on Richard through him.  The one thing I didn’t need explained to me was the crush he had on Francoise, the French girl that had accompanied him on the journey.  I wondered if Etienne’s ignorance to his friend’s feelings about his girlfriend was simply a show.  The looks Richard gave Francoise were just a bit too long.  I hoped my crush was not as obvious to everyone else.

“Beth!”  Keaty strode up beside me on the way back from a day of tilling in the garden.

“What’s up?”

“Have a question for you, love.”  I always grinned when he said that.

“Shoot.”

Always the gentleman, he took my shovel, and leaned it against his right shoulder as we walked.

“Triple A’s.  In short supply.  Got any I can borrow?”

“God, Keaty, what have you been doing with them lately?”

“Not me only, Richard’s been hogging my GameBoy as well.  We’re thinking of starting our own group.  VGAA.”  I stared at him curiously.  He smiled explaining, “Video Game Addicts Anonymous.” 

I laughed, shaking my head.  “Well, I don’t know if I should be a facilitator then, supplying you with the means to continue this addiction.”

“Ah, but the first step on the road to recovery is admission, which I’ve already done.  Can’t stop cold turkey, right?”

“I’ll have some for you after dinner.”

“Thanks, Beth.  You are a life saver, have I told you that?”

I nodded.

“Well, you are.  I’m not the only one that knows it, love.”

“Enough sucking up, I already said I would give them to you.”

“Right.  How about trying a game of cricket with me tomorrow then?”

“That’s OK, I prefer watching.”

“I’ve noticed.”  I slapped his arm after that comment.

“Don’t hit me over the truth.”  We both laughed, approaching the clearing to the beach.  I didn’t spot Richard until Keaty had called over to him.  “Richard, my man, we are back in business!”

Richard turned upon hearing his name.  He sat on the beach with Christo and his fishing spear in hand.  He nodded, smiling.  “What Keaty!?”

“Got our dealer right here!”  He placed his free hand over my shoulder.  “Kong competition tonight!” 

I felt myself blush with his attention on me. “Cool!  Thanks Beth!” He waved over to the both of us.

I nodded and freed myself from Keaty’s grasp and grabbed the shovel back. “Gotta wash up, Keaty.”

~~~~~

I’d settled down in my bunk after a satisfying meal of rice and catfish, accompanied by an unexpected salad.  I thought about the crop we would be working on the next day and couldn’t wait for the tomatoes to ripen.  They’d be a great addition to Unhygenix’s menu. 

I searched in my satchel for the book of poetry by Thoreau.

“Beth?”

My eyes looked up to find Richard towering above me.

“Yeah?”  I smiled despite myself.

He bent at the knees, lowering himself to my eye level.  “Don’t mean to be a pain, but Keaty and I,” I stared into his blue eyes a bit longer than I should have.

“Oh!”  I mentally slapped my forehead.  “The batteries.”  He smiled, nodding.  “Sorry, I forgot all about it.”

“No problem, just didn’t know how much longer Keaty and I could last before we experience withdrawal symptoms.”  He chuckled, leaning his forearms against his knees.

I laughed, reaching over to my cigar box, my little treasure chest.  “What are some of the symptoms?” 

I turned back to see him hunched over, eyes wide, with his thumbs rapidly pressing invisible buttons.  “Nothing too severe.”  He started twitching his head.  He continued the act.  “Jump…  Right… Punch”.  I waved four batteries in front of his face, grinning.  He relaxed immediately, opening a palm for the alkaline gems to drop inside of.  “Whew, thanks.”  He winked, and then smiled, as his hand clutched them tightly.  “Could have gotten ugly.”

“Glad I could fix you up.”

“I owe you.”

I smiled, thinking of a few ways he could pay me back.  “Don’t worry about it.”

“Night.”

“Good Night, Richard.”

I watched him stand up and turn, ready to make his way over to Keaty’s corner.  I was about to resume the search for my book when I saw him turn back out of the corner of my eye.  “Beth?”

“Uh-huh?”

“I was wondering… well,” he knelt down once again, “if you could help me with something?”

I nodded.

He looked around, I guessed to make sure no one was paying close attention.  I noticed him lingering his gaze in Sal’s direction before continuing, slightly above a whisper this time.  “It’s about Daffy.” 

It had been months since I had heard anyone utter his name.  “Daffy?”

He nodded.  “It’s just that… ever since we came here, I’ve had a lot of questions about him.  I mean he’s the reason we’re here.  But, no one talks about him.  I’ve asked Sal once, and Keaty a few times, but they just clam up or change the subject.  The only thing I got out of Keaty was that you were close to him.”

“I guess you could say that.”

“Could you tell me something about him then?  Tomorrow maybe?”

“Sure.”

“I’ll meet up with you after fishing duty.”

“OK.”  I smiled.

“Thanks.”

“Good night.  Again.”  He smiled, walked off.  I lay back, placing my hand under my pillow.  That’s where Thoreau turned out to be hiding.  I pulled the worn book out, inspecting it.  Thoughts of curling up with a few of his verses were now long gone.  I had someone else to dream about.

[foryourimaginationonly]

My Life Is Your Life - Part 14

WARNING! TALKS OF DRUGS, RAPE, AND ABUSE!! PROCEED WITH CAUTION! 

Part 13

The drive to the restaurant was short and the extravagant look of the place never ceased to amaze you. You almost forgot who you were dating for a moment before touching the diamond necklace on your neck.

“I’ll never get over this.” You said under your breath.  

Tom laughed. “Well, love, this is your life now.”  

He got out of the car, valet opening your door, but before you could take the poor kids outstretched hand, Tom was there. “No need, boy. That woman only touches one man, and that’s me.”  

The kid backed away, clearly aware of how powerful Tom was by the frightened look on his face.

“S-sorry.” He stuttered before backing away. Tom helped you out of the car and threw the keys to the valet. When the kid got into Tom’s car, you elbowed him.  

“You are ridiculous. He was just being courteous.” You said.

Tom pulled you tight to him. “I’m sure he was, but I don’t want him getting any ideas about you. Those are my thoughts to have and act upon.”  

His breath fanned across your face, making you weak for only a moment. His lips inches from yours.  

“Then kiss your woman right now. Let the world know I'm yours.” You said, taunting him.

His lips connected with yours is a fiery passion. A clearing of someone’s throat is what brought you back to reality.

“Good to see he gets his good kissing genes from me.” Dominic said. A blush rose to your cheeks as you hid your face in the crook of Tom’s neck, stifling a giggle.

“Oh hush, let the kids have their moment.” Nicola said taking her husband's arm and pulling him up the stairs. Sam and Anna were not too far behind.

Anna grabbed your arm and pulled you away from Tom, earning a glare from him. “How long have you and Tom been dating?” She asked when you two were out of earshot from the boys.

“Seven months.” You said, not caring to explain that you two had broken up for a month because of her.

“Interesting.” She said. “Did he tell you about me?”  

You nodded. “Yes, he was very upset.”  

Anna nodded, stopping momentarily. “I’m honestly grateful that we didn’t work out. Sam is a wonderful guy and I am so happy with him.”  

“Yes, I can see that.” You said, before taking a step to the side and letting Tom intercept.

“Anna.” Was all he said before wrapping an arm around your waist and rushing you into the restaurant.  

“What did she say?” He asked.

You waved your hand in front of him. “Not tonight. It’s about Sam and Anna. Let’s just enjoy it.”

Tom looked at you for a moment before a smile crept onto his face. “Fine. But tonight, you’re telling all.”  

The evening went by spectacularly with the lovely couple both being surprised by the amazing dinner and all the guests that arrived. Tom’s father and Anna’s father both rented out the entirety of the restaurant for the occasion, meaning all you can eat buffet and unlimited drinks at the bar. You didn’t know how much rum and coke your body could hold until that night.

“Babe, you’re a little sauced. We should go.” Tom said, excusing you two from the conversation you were having with Nicola. She was crying laughing at what you were saying and you had the cheekiest little grin on your face.

“Oh, darling, don’t be silly. We are having a great time.” His mother said, grabbing lightly onto his arm.

“I can see that.” He said, wiping a tear from her cheek. “But Y/N has work tomorrow and needs all the rest she can get.”  

You pouted at Tom, earning him a dark and seductive look. “Come, my love, let’s go home.”  

Taking his outstretched hand, he led you to the couple and said your goodbyes before being escorted out of the restaurant.  

“Tom, I don’t wanna go.” You slurred, leaning into him. “I was having so much fun!”  

He snickered before lifting you up bridal style and carrying you the rest of the way to the car. The valet looked at you two, less terrified this time.  

“Hey!” You yelled at him. “This is my man. You can’t have him.” The boy looked at you confused. “Understood?” You snapped at him. His eyes went wide and he nodded.

“Good.”  

Tom laughed, setting you down into the seat of the car. “Babe, I don’t think that he swings in that direction.”

You shrugged. “Never know.”  

He kissed your forehead lightly before getting into the car himself.  

“Tom.” You said.

“Yes, my love.”

You hiccupped, leaning your head against the headrest, looking at him lovingly.

“Babe?” Tom asked, looking at you weird.

“I want chicken nuggets.”

Settled into Tom’s bed, still in your dress, with a box of chicken nuggets, you ate happily, listening to the sound of piano playing through the speakers in his room.

Tom watched you silently, loving every moment of drunk you. The way you wiggled when you took a bite of a chicken nugget, how you hiccupped every now and then, making a shocked face when you yawned.

“Babe,” He said crawling across the bed to you. “Let’s go to sleep.”

You fed him a chicken nugget, patting him on the head. “No. I am eating.”

“Afterwards.” He said, resting his head on your lap. Finishing the last one, you ran your fingers through his hair, making sure not to get crumbs all over him.

“Tom, I love you.” You said, hiccupping.  

You were too drunk for how fast he moved. His head was out of your lap and in front of you in mere seconds, causing you to spin.

“Whoa there, babe.” You said, holding onto the sides of his face. “I’m seeing two of you.”  

Tom’s chuckle was followed by a little kiss on the tip of your nose, bringing you back to front and center with only one of him now.

“You love me?” He asked, the biggest childish grin spread across his face.

“Yes, I do. But don’t let sober me know. She didn’t want to say anything just yet.” You said, putting a finger to your lips and shushing him.

He kissed you gingerly before pulling you on top of him, a squeal escaping your lips.  

“Do you really? Or are you just saying that?” He asked, pushing your hair out of your face.

“Tom, I love you. I was so afraid to tell you sober because of my past and I didn’t want that to interfere with my feelings for you now.” You said, hiccuping again.

He looked at you lovingly. “I promise, no matter what happened to you in the past, I will NEVER put you through it again.” He said.

You looked into his eyes and nodded. “I think I'm ready to tell you.” You said, sitting up a little.

“Babe, you’re drunk, maybe you should wait until you’re sober.” He said.

You shook your head. “I’d rather do it drunk so it doesn’t hurt as much.”  

He nodded, waiting for you to start.

Sighing, you took a quick look at him before lowering your gaze to your hands in front of you.  

“I met this guy, Adam, five years ago at an art studio my friend was working at. She was hosting a small party for her success and I was excited to be able to join her. Adam was friends with her boyfriend at the time and worked as a stylist for a men's clothing store.” You took a deep breath. “That was the first night I met him. I fell deeply in love with him. He would take me to all these extravagant parties to show me off, but I was too blind to see what his true intentions were.”

You paused, looking up at Tom before continuing. “He would put drugs into my purse to carry into events and then would sit down in a back room with a bunch of people and get high. He would make me steal things from these people while they were unconscious and then pretend like he didn’t know what happened.

“One night, after being with him for a year, we were in his apartment, watching tv, eating, having a few drinks. It was just a chill night in. He got a little too high and sauced and ended up getting into an argument with me. That was the first night he ever laid his hands on me.” You felt a hot tear roll down your face. “It wouldn’t be the last. Almost every night after he would abuse me in some form. Whether that be physically beating me or raping me, to mentally abusing me. He did it all.”

Tom grabbed your hand and didn’t let go, not saying a word. “One night, we had gotten into a really bad fight. This was after I got my job as a waitress with Harrison. Adam picked me up from work and was screaming at me in the parking lot, smacking me around and calling me names. Harrison saw all of it and tried to come to my rescue, only for Adam to pull a knife on him and then turned on me.”  

You turned your arm to reveal a scar that was the size of your index finger. “His knife caught my arm and that's when he pushed me into the car. Harrison tried following us.” Tom pulled you against him as you realized you were full on sobbing. “It was the most terrifying moment of my life. I thought I was going to die. The smell of his cologne, his hot breath fanning across my face, his raspy voice, everything. It still haunts me.”

Tom shushed you as he rocked you back and forth. You calmed down a bit before pulling back to finish your story. “Adam had gotten us out of Harrisons sight and into some building where they kept my friends' artwork. He pulled me out of the car and into a small room where he set up a couple of chairs. He tied me to one of them and stuck a needle into my arm.” You were shaking now. “He was drugging me. He tried to drug me into an overdose.”  

Tom stopped you. “You don’t have to say anymore.” He said, “I know what happened.”

You looked at him confused. “What do you mean?”

Tom sighed. “Harrison called me that night. Saying one of his girls had been kidnapped by her bf, and that her arm was bleeding and we needed to find him fast. So, I gathered my men and we went hunting. Found you messed up and halfway to death. I thought you looked familiar when I first saw you seven months ago but I didn’t want to bring up old memories.”

You were shocked. “Is that why we can’t find him? Because y’all took care of him?”

Tom shook his head sadly. “No, he was long gone before we got to you.”

A sob took over your body as you pushed your face into Tom’s chest. “I’m so sorry baby. I wish I had found him and taken him out.” He shushed you. “I promise nothing like that will ever happen again. I swear it on my life.”  

You looked up at him, tears staining your entire face. “I love you more than you know and I would never let anything happen to you. Your life is mine and my life is your life. Forever. I’m not letting you go again. I’d have to be dead for that to happen.” Tom said, taking your face in his hands and planting a small kiss on your lips.  

All the bad memories from before were washed away with every stroke of Toms hand in your hair and every kiss he planted on your body. The memoires of being in the hospital for weeks after that incident were washed away too, leaving you feeling blissful, almost serene.

“Thank you.” You said, pulling away and looking at Tom. “I love you so much. And I will tell you tomorrow when I wake up, sober. I love you so fucking much.”  

That night, Tom slept with you pulled tightly into him. Nothing would ever pull you from him again and that was the first night in so long that you actually slept through the entire night without a single nightmare.

A/N: Ahh it feels good to be back. How are all of you? Hope you enjoyed this part of the story. I decided to go ahead and talk about Y/N back story and why she has PTSD. I too suffer from PTSD due to past traumatic experiences. If any of you do too, and need to ever talk to someone about it, please please please, reach out to me. I will ALWAYS be here to listen. Love you guys!

TAGS!

@captainpeggy40 - @trumpettay - @smashley816

[filmfaggot]

I swear I don't love you anymore

I'm done. I'm over you. It's been four damn months since you left me and I'm not in love with you anymore. At least, that's what I've been telling myself. My heart stops and my skin tingles and my entire body goes cold when I hear your name, but I swear I don't love you anymore. I know it's been so long and I know we only dated for a few short months and that you've moved on but I loved you and I can't stop wishing we were still together. But I promise I'm not still in love. I don't love you anymore but my therapist remembers your name better than he remembers mine and every week he asks me about you and if I'm feeling better about losing you and of course I lie and say I am. I can't listen to the songs we used to love to listen to together anymore; the joy’s been leached from them, and their melodies, whose notes were once ethereal and filled with pure ecstasy, were once lyrical reminders of how much you loved me, bring nothing but pain. And of course it must be because tastes change, because people change, and not because I lost you; I swear I don't miss you. And earlier, when my phone screen lit up because snapchat wanted to tell me you were typing a message, it was like my whole body shut down for a moment; I didn't know what to think, what to do, and I spent the entirety of dinner dreading what you might have wanted to say and wondering “why now?” And even though I'd felt nothing but panic and dread, when I opened my phone only to see that you hadn't said anything, my heart broke a little more. I've moved on. I know I have. It's like the ghost of our memories haunts the places we went together, because no matter where I go, it feels wrong to be there without you. I drove near where you live once, not too long ago, and I felt empty, like everything was shutting down, because how could I just drive past the neighborhood where you live, where we made so many happy memories. It hurts to think about how much has changed since you left; how when I cry you're not there to brush the tears away; how when the whole world feels like it's falling apart you're not there to hold me tight and whisper in my ear that it'll be okay; how when I look in the mirror and tell myself I look bad today, or that my hips are too wide or my cheeks are too puffy or my hair is too messy, you're not there to tell me I look gorgeous to you anyways; how I cry and cut myself lying in the same bed where we used to cuddle and kiss each other; how ‘kissing you’ turned to ‘missing you’; how you went from loving me to hating me. But it doesn't matter to you because you stopped caring ages ago, and it shouldn't matter to me because I tell myself I don't need you anymore. I don't care about you. But when I see pictures of you my heart skips a beat, but when I saw that you were with a girl in your snapchat story I was terrified you might have found someone new, but when I saw on your Instagram that you went to the ice rink I felt empty because I was just there this morning and because I remembered the time I took you skating and you told me I was a star and that I'd make it to the Olympics someday and you'd go there with me. When I stare at myself in the mirror and my head floss with thoughts of self-hatred, when I stand in front of it and tear through my skin as if trying to satisfy some insatiable desire to cause myself pain. And when I beg myself to stop, I tell myself I deserve it because I wasn't good enough for you; because if I'd been prettier, or gentler, or kinder, or smarter, you'd have stayed. I pour over all the places I went wrong, all the little things I could've done better, and it's as if there's a fresh cut for each one because there are millions of each. And I'm not sure which hurts more but the pain is too much anyways so why not just end it all? I tell myself you don't matter anymore, but obviously that's not the case because I wonder all the time how life can possibly be worth living if I'm never going to see you again. I tell myself not to care about you anymore; that it's not worth the effort, but I wonder what I ever did so wrong to deserve this, or why you ended things so abruptly, or why I wasn't worth the effort it would've taken to fix things. I wonder why my love just wasn't enough, I wonder why once you told me you loved me because I fought so hard to fix every last thing that could've hurt our relationship, but now when I try so hard to fix us you just get angry. I swear I don't love you anymore, but I cry when I listen to that song you said reminded you of me, because it reminds me of you. And when my friend asked me what the happiest moment of my life was, and all I could think of was that night when I was driving you home and all of a sudden you told me you loved me for the first time, I started to cry. I think about you every day, I dream of all the ways you might come back to me, I search desperately for some sign that there's still hope for us, and of course I shouldn't because I'm so, so over you, but maybe, just maybe, I might still care. And at night when the skin on my arms, where I've sliced and sliced and sliced myself to bits, burns, and I can't sleep, I just wish you were there to hold me. One time, though I barely remember it, I went to a party just for the booze because I thought maybe if I got drunk I could stop crying over you just for once, I got so drunk my head felt like it was collapsing in on me and I could barely even say my own name, but I remembered yours. I forgot, just for a second, that'd you'd left me, and for just that split second it was like everything was okay again. And I'll swear, time and time and time again that I don't love you anymore. But I sure as hell can’t see myself loving anyone else.