#i think i redid this one at least 8 times

[daydreamerwonderkid]

~Wings, hearts, some things are meant to be torn apart

Faith, hope, some things are meant to be gone broke~

DO NOT STEAL/REPOST MY ART.

Update: So @nefarious-616-necromancer stole my art and is trying to claim that all art on their blog is theirs. They're also saying that they have "permission" from the original artists to repost the art they stole. If you see their posts, screenshot the evidence, contact the actual artists and report them. They delete comments and block anyone who tries to credit the actual artists or asks them to show proof that they created the art in the first place.

Fuck people like this. /end Update

Palette taken from the cover of Lewis Blisset's Killing Butterflies.

I had a lot of fun with this one. Probably my fave piece that I've done so far.

WIP

[todayisafridaynight]

started replayin ishin just for tits and giggles and yall wont believe the part i stopped playin at ......

[asukiess]

Fanfiction Year in Review 2023

happy new year. I’ve never filled something like this out… but  as I published more fics last year than I did in 2022, and I have as many WIPs in the works right now, it seems like a good idea so I can reflect next year 😌

(thank you to kasienda and bbutterflies for tagging me in their posts!)

1 List of fics completed this year in the order they were finished:

sunblind - Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Luka Couffaine/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug/Kagami Tsurugi

hearth – adrinette, adrien & emilie

switching shenanigans - Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug & Félix Fathom

the clouds above (opened up) – emonette & emodrien

backwards walk – ladywalker bed sharing!!!!!!!!!

back to you (just one last time) – ladywalker bed sharing (spicy) !!!!!!!!!!!!!

a rose by any other name – loveydrien <3

2 Number of words written: 

Published: 47,661

Unpublished: 67,068

Knowing I’ve written over 100k words in a year is pretty cool! Especially since I only wrote 20k the year before that. I wrote all the wip titles down in a spreadsheet at least.

3 Your most popular fic:

I think the clouds above. I definitely did not expect that kind of reception when I first published it! I’m really thankful people still checked it out after the Paris special aired, too. It was one of the more fun fics I wrote, and I feel I actually don’t talk about how much of an Adrinette girlie I am. Even pre-reveal Adrinette is incredibly meaningful to me! I wrote this fic in a few hours and I was buzzing with excitement.  I have another Paris special idea, but it’s… very much an AU I feel. Like it would be somewhere between the clouds above characterization and more canon compliant. So I am not sure if it’s something worth pursuing.

4 Your personal fav:

BACKWARDS WALK SWEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually didn’t know if I’d ever write Ladywalker again after TBSYM? I had small ideas but something switched in me honestly after allowing myself to like… write them in a trope. I’ve reread this fic so many times and it still gets me at all the emotional beats, and I feel the prose is strong in this one. Sometimes I can get a little wordy…! Anyway. this is when I felt I could write them again, and write more.

5 Your fav scene:

Published: I think the last scene of a rose by any other name.

Unpublished: I think this takes the cake

6 A fic or scene that challenged you:

Honestly, almost all of hearth. I took like, a six month break from writing it. Came back to it because it kept itself burrowed in my mind, but I redid the beginning like, three times? And I feel the ending is not as strong as I want it to be. I don’t think I’ve actually ever reread it, either. I won’t say I dislike it, but I think it was one of the harder writing projects of the year for many reasons.

The good: the Adrinette is exactly my comfort flavor. I’m proud of the statue scenes.

The bad: the pacing, the plot is a little loose, the prose can be a little ‘can’t see the trees through the forest’ for me, the ending….

The comments on it, however, have been some of the most meaningful things to me, and I am endlessly grateful!!! I almost feel like this was such a tumultuous work for me, that every thoughtful comment that called it poetic, that they wanted to savor it, meant a lot to me.

7 A line of writing you’re proud of: 

I could not pick just one. I got lost in my WIPs for like half an hour.

8 A comment that touched you: 

how do I choose?

All the comments on hearth, as I said. I can’t put into words how I feel about this fic, but I see the reflection of the effort and love when I read hearth’s comments. I could not pick a single favorite out of all of those…!

sunny who has graced not just me, but a wide swath of creators and artists with their thoughtful, engaging comments. I could not for the life of me choose just one, but maaaaybe:

Everyone who left tags in reblogs like “NEW ASUKIESS FIC?” or when whiskers complimented my ladywalker.

When piso said the following:

And huey’s comment that just. It connected with me SO MUCH because they GOT IT. sometimes you just get a comment and all you can do is a funny little victorious dance and shake their hand because yeah. Yeah.

All of kasienda’s comments. Literally starstruck is all I can say hehe.

Oh and ALSO when rosekasa said this.

10 Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic; etc):

honestly just creating through a lot of life bullshit lmao

11 Do you have any writing goals for the next year?

I really don’t know! Knee-jerk:

Publish as many fics while keeping them solidly confident. Things I’m proud of.

Write a fic in the shape/form that I absolutely adore: non-linear, short chapters. These are vibe-excellent fics. Need to write one like this.

Balancing angst with fluff.

That’s about it really! <3

12 Anyone you would like to thank?

All of the littlebugs for sharing all their behind the scenes of creating; for offering support; for always been a positive support system; for always sharing in celebrating others wins and comforting when things are bad. I’ve actually never been apart of a creating community like this, and it was not only eye-opening at several points, it was quite a turning point for me, creatively speaking.

piso and blu for creating Loveybug and sharing her; for being just as brainrotted about Catwalker; for always being such wonderful people; for pretty much…everything?

sunny for yknow. all the things I’ve told you in the past six months! <3

mostmagical, bbutterflies, neurovascularentrapta, for being SO supportive and going wild with me over ideas and being SO SWEET!!! I appreciate you all enormously.

Literally everyone who has sent me a comment, on ao3 or in my inbox, or even just shared my work for others.

[zenkindoflove]

hello :) for the ask game maybe 15 and 30?

Hiiiii!

15. Do you plan your fics or prefer to let the story unfold as you write?

It's a little bit of both. For one-shots/short fics I am much more of a let the story unfold as I write kind of person. I generally have an idea in mind and some beats I want to hit, but then I sort of just go and write intuitively.

For multichapter fics - it's a different beast entirely. I usually start with a big picture outline - a beginning premise, generally what beats I want to hit, and an ending. I really need an ending to hinge the fic on so that I have an end goal in mind. Once I have that outline, several more renditions of outlines occur. One is a bit more of a detailed outline of generally what happens chapter to chapter. And then once I start a chapter, I tend to expand on that outline a bit further to figure out what scenes are going to make the things I need to happen, happen. I think as I'm writing this out, it sounds like I rely a lot on outlines, but the reality is is that I still do a lot of story unfolding writing as I work through chapters. Things change all the time. New directions and focuses happen. Details pop up that surprise me. Conversations between characters changes the dynamics of what I thought would happen. I also have a tendency to underestimate how long things will be so sometimes I will outline a chapter and realize actually this is more like two chapters. So for Summer Heat for example, I started with a 10 chapter outline and once I got past like chapter 8 I redid my outline since new things had developed and now my outline is like 18 chapters. Anyways, this is a long way to say that for multichapter fics, the outline keeps me grounded but I will throw it out the window for the sake of inspiration.

30. How do you handle writing multiple storylines or subplots?

I think as you can see in my above answer, my outlines help a lot with this. But I think ultimately, what helps me is pacing with my fics. Summer Heat is a more elaborate multiple storyline fic as there are two main couples and other side character with fairly large roles and dynamics with the main characters. So what I have found works so far is giving these dynamics and situations balance throughout the story so one isn't really left in the dust for the other. I wouldn't say it's an equal division in terms of time or even when things happen. Summer Heat is primarily an Elucien story though Eris x Alexius get a lot of screentime. So really it's just about finding the right time to sit with a certain storyline and the right time to break things up and switch gears. IDK how well I'm balancing that now. Others would have to tell me, but it's at least working for my own motivation to write.

Thank you for asking these! These were very intriguing to answer and not something I have thought about a lot, especially question 30.

Fanfic asks

[cr1t1cal-darl1ng]

JOHN 5 BRACELETS : TAG 2 ELECTRIC BOOGALO

so we bought some new beads so therefore !!! update post ... now i have a plan to make all of John's albums eventually :]

JOHN ⛤

so i finally got some letter beads which got me SO excited but turns out they had a very limited selection ... but i got enough letters to spell john which made me SO happy !!! and there's little stars that we bought which were so so cute.

INVASION

this is probably my favorite bracelet from this batch ... like i said in the last post, I wasn't quite sure what colors to go for with invasion but it all worked out perfectly, in my opinion ... this bracelet is very pretty to me

LIVE INVASION

i adore live invasion it's SUCH a fun live album and i would love if john did more ... i struggled with the colors HEAVILY on this one and i think i redid it like three times before i settled on a pallette that i think worked. but when i finally settled on it i think it turned out GORGEOUS!!

REQUIEM

i don't have that good of a selection of blue so side by side it definitely looks kinda off but on it's own i also really liked this one ??? requiem has such a nice color palette and i just love how john looks in the cover .... he's so fucking pretty i can't do this anymore !!!

SONGS FOR SANITY

last but not least, we have songs for sanity, which was also kind of a request from someone who reblogged the original blog ... thank you for that by the way bc i think songs for sanity is ONE OF MY FAV JOHN 5 COVERS ??? i really like the positioning of john and the guitars ... it's just so sick .... the bracelet itself caused a slight trouble but in the end i like the final product :]

and here we have all of the bracelets together !! they're in order from release, bottom to top. 8/12 bracelets done

[dwtsfun]

Dancing with the Stars Season 32 Week 2: I Have a Confession

So last night was week 2. And I was thinking of structuring this like last week, but only 1 and a half couples truly had me feeling energized about the night. So I guess we'll go back to the regular format. Because Jamie Lynn was eliminated, I'll just talk about her up here. After watching her dance, I wasn't shocked. With all the controversy that was following her, we needed to have at least one big week from her. We didn't get that at all. And outside of that one moment up in the skybox with Julianne when she redid that move from her cha cha, we didn't get much fun out of her either. So what happens when you have a controversial celeb (that people truly don't like) that has potential that is not even being scratched, who is kinda just there and not giving much in any department? You get a somewhat shocking (but not really when you think about it) elimination. If they wanted to stay, they had to do something to get our minds off of the Britney Jean sized elephant in the room. They didn't do that and I think I'm more shocked that they didn't vs the fact that she was eliminated. That being said, she went out on a positive note (for the most part). So hopefully she can internalize that.

The show itself was a snoozefest. Alfonso and Julianne have kinda been blah so far. The technique and performance quality of the vast majority of the stars was not good enough to have Latin night this early. I just feel like theme weeks should start week 4 at the absolute earliest. Week 5 is what I believe is ideal. Let everyone's skills get better so that we're not watching 4 couples stumble through a samba in week 2, all to fulfill a theme. And the dances that the pros have been giving to the celebs have been pretty ho hum across the board. So now let me start the recap.

Lele and Brandon- Samba (Score=21)- Lele did pretty well with this dance. This was the half a dance I was talking about and upon watching it back, I'm actually gonna up that to being fully impressed and I think this dance was underscored. It should've gotten at least one 8. I think Lele had an understanding of the technique and rhythm of the dance that none of the other samba doers truly understood. And her feet were pointed this time! Than you Brandon. I just want her to do some more refining things and she'll be set.

Tyson and Jenna- Salsa (Score=18)- What an improvement a week makes! Tyson was a completely different dancer out there. I just knew he wasn't a no hoper. We just needed him to get more comfortable out on the floor. What I want him to work on now is 1) getting the technique cleaner and 2) work on getting lighter on his feet. But he is definitely on the right path.

Barry and Peta- Cha-cha (Score=15)- Barry struggled a little bit more this week than he did last. But the foundation is there for him to give good Latin dances. He does have some rhythm and his technique is mostly nice. Those New Yorkers were really really nice. Now, we gotta get him to fix his pancake hands, work on the technique a bit more and loosen up them hips. But I really think these two could play spoiler to many couples this year if he keeps improving. And honestly, he might be a true dance contender.

Adrian and Britt- Samba (Score=15)- Mm. Okay so this was a challenge. So let me start with the good. His face was much better this time around. I also saw that he worked on cleaning up his footwork. Now, he struggled with the dance itself, he still needs to be lighter on his feet, the technique still needs work and he needs to do a better job of partnering Britt. Right now it's not working the way that it should. But if they stick around, I can see that getting better and him becoming a decent dancer.

Mira and Gleb- Salsa (Score=18)- Hmm. Okay. Mira has really nice technique. She has everything to be amazing. But she's currently petrified of the dances and she dances too light. I need Gleb to get her to realize that she's good. I also want him to tell her to dance through the floor and not just on top of it.

Xochitl and Val- Salsa (Score=24)- So I thought this was a good dance. It was missing something though and I can't really place my finger on what it was. Actually, I know what it was. It was too much and too fast. It's a critique I have of Val at least once a season. He jam packs so much into a dance that sometimes, his partners can't breathe. Xochitl did well enough, but I also felt like it might've been a little much and sometimes she got a tad behind. Also her arm in that last lift was not great. Very good dance though.

Ariana and Pasha- Samba (Score=20)- Ariana did alright for the most part part. There were several questionable moments where she either looked off balance or lost a bit of control. I'm gonna say it's her nerves right now because it's not bad. She's still a fantastic dancer and I'm also still worried about her fanbase. But she might benefit from the same things that Melissa Rycroft did in her first season. Only time will tell.

Mauricio and Emma- Salsa (Score=12)- Mauricio actually started out doing pretty well. The problems that most of the other men dealt with this week, he did not deal with it. That was up until he forgot everything. And then the routine crashed. I'm actually shocked that Mauricio didn't get eliminated this week. But I guess people really pulled through for them. I still don't think Mauricio will last long, but hopefully he can come back strong next week.

Alyson and Sasha- Tango (Score=19)- Alyson also had a major improvement this week. I have to admit, I didn't think we could get this level of dancing out of Alyson. But we got it and it was a legitimately good dance. Now, I want her to dance with more intention. She placed everything pretty well, but it wasn't as strong as it could've been. I also want her to relax a little bit more throughout the dances. But we're moving in the right direction.

Charity and Ezra- Cha-cha (Score=21)- As we know, Artem had COVID and had to sit out this week. So we got Ezra as a fill in and I'm glad we got to see Ezra in this capacity. I would not mind seeing him as a pro next season. Ezra is also gay and we're lacking that representation with Louis gone (even though Louis is a bitter and hateful ass bitch and I don't get that energy from Ezra at all) and I don't think we've ever had that on the women's side of things (please correct me if I'm wrong). Now onto Charity. It was cool. Technically, it was a great dance. But I feel like she was timid and stiff. I'll chalk up a lot of that to having a new partner and just being nervous in general. She'll be better as the show goes on, but this just wasn't her best.

Harry and Rylee- Salsa (Score=15)- Harry moves very small and is still terrified of these dances. I think he handled this one better and I saw some improvement. He stayed on time more. But it's still not great. I don't think he can get to a great or even a good level. But he is improving and he can shock us. I mean Alyson definitely shocked me this week.

Jason and Daniella- Rumba (Score=24)- This was the best dance of the night. I think Jason might be the one to beat. I have to see a ballroom dance from him but I do not have any reason to believe that he will really struggle with those based on what he's shown and the past work of Daniella. I did see the misstep that CAI was talking about, but wow, what a dance. I was incredibly impressed.

So that's what I thought about the show. Let me know your thoughts and I will talk to you all soon.

[witchy-fennec]

Psychiatrist at appointment to re-dx my ADHD: “You’re too social to be autistic. You score high on a lot of autistic traits, but you’re not autistic according to the old DSM criteria based solely on what I observed in very specific situations.”

Congrats, you’ve only seen me on good days where I was likely masking and totally ignored the small cracks in my masking ability. Newsflash, I love stuff to do with psychology, which makes it easier to interact despite your shitty bright lighting.

On report: says good hygiene

Reality: I literally have not brushed my teeth in weeks and most of my morning showers equate to just letting the water run and getting warmth from it, but okay.🙃

On report: many mentions of social anxiety

Reality: It’s not social anxiety. I have GAD, but I do not have social anxiety; I have no idea how the fuck you got social anxiety, especially when saying how apparently social I am.

On report: patient denies aggression and thoughts of aggression

Reality: I never denied thoughts!!! It’s not my fault the self assessment thing doesn’t distinguish between action and thought.🙃

This is an old white man who very vocally said to me “The DSM criteria went from 8 criteria down to 3” as if that meant the latest DSM is wrong for making the autism spectrum more of an actual spectrum. He’s also basing whether I’m autistic or not by my symptoms/traits compared to his 8yo daughter who happens to be nonverbal. As if lower support needs autistics don’t exist. But hey, at least I got my ADHD dx that I needed for stuff. Also very interesting how he was all “Diagnosing autism really blew up in (year)”, but conveniently didn’t do the same regarding ADHD.🤔

I was also diagnosed with PDD-NOS years prior to this, which is on the autism spectrum. I’m also not nearly as social as he thinks I am, especially with how he wasn’t actually listening when I informed him of how I interact normally and my utter disinterest before my first ever friend, who was my only friend for a while and only because she approached me. He seems to think the criteria being updated to accommodate the merging of what used to be called Asperger’s in older DSM criteria somehow allows over half of the human population to meet said criteria, which, no??? That’s not how that works? That’s not what the criteria says. He also got very smirky when he commented whether I knew the diagnostic codes, which wtf does that have to do with symptoms/traits and the actual diagnostics? I liked him when I was in high school getting dxed solely for ADHD because he actually genuinely listened back then. Now, it just feels like he’s on some power trip and not willing to let go of old biases because there was a lot of stuff he didn’t listen to me on throughout everything and seems to think my stimming is solely for the sake of concentration when there’s way more to it than that, there’s the aspect of doing it for the sensory input, during times I’m not focusing on anything at all with no need to focus. He clearly is one of the types of people who doesn’t acknowledge the differences in presentation between ADHD, autism, and AuDHD, and has bias for The Old Ways. Of course I don’t seem autistic to someone like that. I have enough traits that are strong to be confirmed autistic, but his reasoning just seems to be “Can speak and look social on the few days I spoke with them, so any and all possible social issues can only be social anxiety” and that just doesn’t seem right? He never bothered to go in depth with any of the testing, just redid the stuff for ADHD and the self-assessments didn’t have nearly enough questions that could potentially detect autism in someone who can mask with all of it being exactly the same as from when I was originally dxed with ADHD, so absolutely no digging further to be certain nothing was missed. He definitely already made his decision on whether I was autistic or not before we even started. Even though I never made eye contact, even though there is enough overlap in symptoms between ADHD and autism, especially in someone who’s both, that it can be overlooked. There was absolutely no attempt to truly rule out autism beyond assessing ADHD and anxiety, which he dxed me with social anxiety when I am definitely not that, I have GAD because that’s how my brain works and things that have nothing to do with social interaction make me anxious. Like, yes, of course there are gonna be inevitable social things that prod my anxiety; there’s no avoiding that in a society, especially when forced to socialise. But because he’s so set in finding reasons to say I’m not autistic, he refused to listen when I explained, repeatedly (and not exactly all that well because verbal communication and on the spot attempt), why it wasn’t specifically social anxiety of the type of anxiety I have. I’m also apparently very needy of social interaction while at the same time being of “normal” social neediness. I’m pretty sure I was more happy alone in my room than socialising for all my life, but okay.🙃

He really just refuses to acknowledge that I don’t care to socialise because I don’t feel a need to beyond minimum necessity, such as for a job, and with a few select people face to face, the rest preferably being DMs/text only. Socialising is exhausting and I just want to get away from society with the few people I actually want any social interaction from. Also, the first times he saw me, I was more than old enough to have learned from observation what is and is not socially acceptable, especially given my “intelligence”, strong interest in words/vocabulary/grammar/etc., and ability to mask traits apart from certain types of pain as well as experience. He still doesn’t know that my issues with eating have to do with sensory sensitivities. He never asked. I’m guessing that, like my mother, he just assumes it’s related to my sleep troubles? I’ll never know because there’s no point in asking that when he treated me the way he did, especially since I’m never seeing him again.

He was also smug enough to make a comment about how other doctors could have dxed wrong. As if he’s immune to being wrong himself. So sayeth the man who would rather go with outdated criteria as if a lot of research didn’t go into updated portions of the latest DSM. Lost my trust entirely right there.

He also had the nerve to tell me “every action has a reason” as if I said anything otherwise when explaining that my being in verbal shutdown (worded it as not being able to speak) wasn’t an anxiety thing. The reason is my vocal chords just don’t wanna work some days and it’s something other than anxiety because my anxiety was almost nonexistent that day.

[posttexasstressdisorder]

Dynaco Repair Post No. 4

Thursday evening, 12-21-23, later:

As I was saying, just a little careful polishing and the chassis already looks a lot better. And the can cap is almost exactly same height as the original:

A little more of that shine:

Once the new can was twist-locked into place with the four tabs, it was time to make the physical connections to all four of the terminals, and replacing the old resistors with some flameproof resistors I'd bought for another ST70 I redid about 15 years ago:

And here, finally is everything hooked up, crimped, and ready to be soldered:

Again, the 30-watt pencil is the way to go.

And THAT, believe it or not, completes ALL the repairs I needed to make to the Stereo 70! Now, all I need is a fresh quad of EL-34 output tubes...another $100 I don't have.

Tomorrow, I start in on finishing the PAS. The 12X4 got here, and I have work to do on the replacement switch. Dude had stripped the big flat caps wired in there, so I will have to cannibalize off my old one.

And one last "Glamour Shot", this time with the 7199 driver tubes in place, with the chassis and base shined up nicely:

(And yes, I put these awesome big-ass rubber feet on and it is so much better looking cageless, as well as easier to handle! And I can't help thinking it has to help keep the amp cooler than the original almost non-existent flat button feet.)

Friday evening, Dec 22, 2023

Well, I looked at that 3-wafer switch, and my little "fix" of wrapping wire around the broken bits, and decided I really had nothing to lose by putting the tubes in, including the NOS 12X4 rectifier tube, and attaching some improvised wiring up to my ancient (but still absolutely functional) Altec Lansing computer speakers as an amplifier.

I then dug out the wires for the turntable and its ground, and a functioning 1/8"-to-RCA cord to use as a test for all the other inputs.

IT WORKS!!! WE HAVE PHONO! WE HAVE ALL THE OTHER PERTINENT INPUTS AS WELL! Talk about relieved and elated! WooHOO! At least now I can get back to transcribing my vinyl to SSD via this beautiful critter, my Dual 1219, with Shure M91ED cartridge. Test record? My ancient 45 of "Green Eyed Lady" by Sugarloaf! ROCK OUT ON THAT ORGAN, JERRY CORBETTA!

Plugged the other patchcord into my laptop, and put Miss Nina Simone's "Little Girl Blue" (which I had transcribed before this mess all went down)...and it came through excellent on the "Spare", AM/FM (tuner) input. The only one that sounded a bit off was the 'FM MPX", which was actually only supposed to be one channel of the stereo FM, so that was to be expected, actually.

That 12X4 glowin' fine:

BUT: with the Spare and Phono both functional, as are the tape in/out jacks, I have everything I need, since I have a 3-source external selector box that will turn Spare into three separate additional inputs, thus, I can run my TV and DVD player into the tubes as well.

SO, I can call the PAS3X officially back in business again, and I have a spare source switch if I need it. That is big. I will spend the rest of the time this evening on putting the case back together and doing some more polishing on the ST-70.

SO the only thing we are missing for a Totally Tubular Xmas is a quad of EL34/6CA7 tubes!

More tomorrow as I finish up the detailing on both units.

And I will also show off my speakers that fill an empty spot in the Dynaco speaker line: a beast of my own creation, the speaker that never was, "The A-15" (lulz) I used 8" butyl-surround woofers and SEAS tweeters, encased in actual wood veneer Pioneer speaker cabinets.

The A-10 woofers were 6", and the A-25 were 10", these Pioneer boxes are perfectly sized to be infinite-baffle boxes, the woofers have exactly the right amount of room, and they sound amazing when the Stereo 70 is blasting through them.

AND ADDENDUM, 8:27pm: EL-34s ARE BEING MAILED TOMORROW! My bro over on the east coast is shipping them tomorrow...we will have TUBEAGE for XMAS!

-------------------------------------------

LINKS TO THE PREVIOUS THREE REPAIR POSTS:

[hawks-supremacy]

Golden Swirls

summary: when Sakusa's sister told him how people found their soulmates, he was disgusted. or at least until he found his.

pairing: sakusa x reader

genre: fluff and angst

word count: 3.2k

a/n: i finished this a week ago but didn't like it so i completely redid it. i also tried to write in 3rd pov which i don't think i'll do again, i'll probably just stick to 2nd pov but i wanted to try something new! anyway i hope you enjoy!

Sakusa Kiyoomi didn’t consider himself a germaphobe. Even though his cousin, Komori Motoya, liked to say he was, he still wouldn’t consider himself one. Although he said it in a joking manner it still made him think, do other people see him like that? He didn’t mind sitting or laying on the floor to do his stretches before practice, and dirt outside didn’t bother him much either. It was just other people and their germs that he didn’t care for. He doesn’t know where people have been or who could potentially be in the beginning stages of a cold and not know it. He was cautious around people, and bigger crowds made him nervous.

So when Sakusa learned about soulmates and how people found theirs at the age of 8 he was a little grossed out. What he remembers from the story his older sister told him was that everyone in the world has a soulmate, and the way you find yours was that when you made contact with your soulmate, the area you touched each other would light up in a sort of golden color. She told stories about how people would go around and try to touch everyone they thought could be their soulmate.

That’s what Sakusa thought was gross, trying to touch every single person on the off chance that they're your soulmate. Maybe it’s because he was always sick as a kid and that’s why he didn’t like the idea of other people’s germs. So as he grew up and saw people leaving gentle touches on the arms of everyone they met he couldn’t help but curl his lip in disgust. It wasn’t like Sakusa never wanted to find his soulmate, but he didn’t like the idea of people invading his personal space to find out.

High School for Sakusa was difficult, even though Motoya constantly told him he was a bit brash and abrasive that didn’t stop people from wanting to see if they were his soulmate. He managed to dodge nearly everyone who tried but occasionally there’d be a few who snuck in there with disappointed stares as their touch didn’t cause the warm golden glow signalling that they were soulmates.

Now Sakusa was a professional volleyball player for the MSBY Black Jackals and dodging the fleeting touches of fans only seemed to get harder the longer he was in the spotlight. He watched from a distance as his teammates shook hands and hugged every fan that approached them, watched as the shoulders of fans slumped at the lack of gold in their touch. Watched as fans jealously stared when his captain Meian Shugo found his soulmate in the crowded court after a game.

He had just left the locker rooms and glanced in the gym to see another crowd of fans desperately trying to see if they were one of the team member’s soulmates, another crowd of fans disappointed when the outcome they were hoping for didn’t happen. “You’re not soulmate searching in the crowd of fans?” He glanced over, startled at the sudden voice next to him. He wasn’t used to the new presence quite yet.

L/n Y/n was the new manager of the Black Jackals, having started less than a month ago. They had already begun to learn everyone’s mannerisms and habits, knowing that Sakusa was one to avoid the crowds and interviews after games, opting to keep to himself. They knew that everyone else on the team had no issues meeting the fans and finding out if their soulmates were in the crowd much like Meian’s was.

Sakusa didn’t know a lot about Y/n, but they knew quite a bit about him just from observing their practices and games. Sakusa wasn’t sure if their views on soulmates matched his, if they also thought that the act of having to touch every person in hopes of finding “the one” was odd and not appealing. He wasn’t sure if they had simply just found their soulmate already and didn’t need to bother with everyone else. What he did know was that they kept their distance at practices.

Y/n always greeted everyone from a distance when they entered the gym for practices or before their games had started. When they brought their water bottles they set them on the bench rather than handing them to everyone on the team. When the team was gathering to talk about play strategies they would be sat at the bench, close enough to listen, always jotting things down on their clipboard. To Sakusa Kiyoomi, L/n Y/n was an enigma.

They were someone who kept to themselves, never getting too close to anyone else. On the occasion that they went out for dinner after games that the team had won and felt proud of, they always sat at the end of the table, never saying many words. They were quiet and soft spoken when they did speak. Giving gentle reminders or suggestions to the team. Even though they were quiet and kept to themself they still managed to become friends with almost everyone on the team.

They exchanged excited words with Bokuto as they exchanged stories from when they were in their high school years. They gave friendly but stern scoldings to Atsumu as he did something he knew he shouldn’t have, like swinging from the bars in the gym just because Hinata made a bet that he couldn’t. They gave silent smiles as they listened to Hinata enthusiastically shout sound effects as he described his favorite volleyball plays. They gave Sakusa words of encouragement while still keeping their distance because they knew that people he didn’t really know made him uncomfortable. But Sakusa didn’t know much about Y/n.

So as he looked down at them sitting on the floor across from the back entrance to the gym, waiting for him to answer their question, he wasn’t sure how to approach the conversation. “Or have you already found your soulmate?” They asked after Sakusa still hadn’t responded to their first question. “Uh no I haven’t found mine, have you?” He finally responded as he lowered himself to the ground, still a good distance away from them. They shook their head as they kept their eyes closed and their head leaning against the cold tile wall of the hallway. “Why are you sitting on the floor?” Sakusa asked after a few seconds of silence from both parties.

“I have a headache but Bokuto is my ride home, so I have to wait for him to finish greeting every fan and then he showers. So I’d say I still have a good hour to wait.” They replied, opening their eyes and tilting their head to look at Sakusa, “Why are you sitting on the floor?” He wasn’t sure how to respond, he didn’t have a reason for why he sat on the floor, he just sat there because they were also sitting on the floor.

“I can give you a ride home if you want Y/n.” He offered, changing the topic at hand. He wasn’t quite sure what compelled him to offer them a ride home, he just felt like it was right. “You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to. I’m perfectly content sitting here and waiting for Bokuto.” They said, closing their eyes again and turning their head towards the ceiling. “You have a headache Y/n, let me give you a ride home so you aren’t sitting here for an hour.” Sakusa said as he got up and looked at them expectantly. As they opened their eyes they sighed and got up, “Let me text Bokuto to let him know that I don’t need a ride and then we can leave.” They reluctantly agreed as they pulled out their phone to send Bokuto a text. He wouldn’t get it until he got to the locker room but at least then he would know. “Okay let’s go.” Y/n said as they started walking towards the exit with Sakusa still standing in the hallway, only beginning to follow them after they were halfway towards the exit.

As they drove home Sakusa learned a little bit more about Y/n. He learned that they had met Bokuto through Akaashi who was a distant cousin of theirs, so they were closer to Bokuto out of everyone on the team. He also learned that they lived in the same apartment building as Bokuto so they carpooled every morning, which is why they always showed up at the same time. He didn’t learn much about before they joined the team as the manager any time he asked they waved it off or changed the subject.

As Sakusa entered his home, a familiar ringtone started to chime from his coat pocket. Taking his phone out of his pocket he pressed the answer button seeing it was Motoya calling. “Hey Motoya, what’s up?” He held the phone between his shoulder and ear as he slipped off his shoes before correcting his grip on the small device. “Was just calling to let you know we have a game against each other coming up next month. Did you just get home from your game? I thought I heard the door close.”

“Yeah I got home late because I drove the new manager home. They were waiting for Bokuto, but they had a headache and he was going to be a while.” Sakusa explained as he walked over to his kitchen to find something to eat. “Oh you guys got a new manager? Who is it?” Motoya asked curiously. “Their name is L/n Y/n. They just started a few weeks ago, so I don’t really know much about them.” He said as he got out ingredients from the fridge and went to wash his hands.

“You mean L/n Y/n from Itachiyama?” As Motoya asked what he thought was an innocent question, Sakusa felt himself freeze, “Who was that again?” He asked hesitantly. “You don’t remember Y/n? You hated them, or at least it sure seemed like you did.I mean you were cold and distant to everyone but it seemed like it was worse with them.” As Motoya continued to explain to Sakusa who Y/n was he suddenly felt very terrible. From what he remembers Y/n wasn’t always shy and soft spoken. They used to be bubbly and friendly, always trying to include everyone, including him.

It wasn’t that he was mean to them by any means. He didn’t go out of his way to bully them, but one day he had enough of their bubbly and outgoing personality and just snapped. He wasn’t having the best day and hearing them just kind of set him off, and now he felt terrible, because Sakusa knew that sometimes all it took was one person to yell at someone who was outgoing and suddenly they weren’t as outgoing anymore as before. He doesn’t quite remember what he said but he remembers that after he yelled at Y/n, they were more quiet.

“Motoya, I didn’t even recognize them. They’re so different from when we were in high school, they’re so quiet now.” Sakusa said as he leaned on the counter with his head resting in the hand that wasn’t holding the phone. “Yeah they started being quiet after you yelled at them. Didn’t talk as much.” Motoya’s voice got softer the more he talked about it. “I don’t even remember what I said, Motoya.” Sakusa sighed. “Well first of all you told them that no one cared what they had to say, and then you said something along the lines of how you feel bad for whoever their soulmate is if they're going to be that loud all the time. It was pretty bad, Kiyoomi.” Motoya changed the subject and they talked about something else for a bit before Sakusa had to eat something and then shower if he wanted to go to bed at a decent time.

It was the next morning and Sakusa was heading over to Y/n’s house to try and apologize. He wouldn’t see them today since they usually have the day after a game off so that the team can rest. He was suddenly very nervous as he knocked on the door to their apartment. “Bokuto, you have to learn how to cook something at some point, I can’t feed you all the time!” He heard their voice get closer to the door as they walked towards it, and soon the door was pulled open, “Oh you’re not Bokuto. Sorry, he usually comes over around this time every day on our days off. Uh come in?”

As they moved out of the way and opened the door more Sakusa noticed that they wore an Itachiyama sweater and suddenly felt stupid that he didn’t realize sooner. As he stepped in and slipped off his shoes he took note that the apartment was pretty clean other than a few things here and there. “Sorry it’s a mess, I was going to clean today and then well you showed up.” Y/n said as they went through and picked up a few things, “Are you hungry? It’s about noon, have you eaten? I was in the middle of making lunch, but I made enough for like four people because I don’t understand that I can cut the recipe down.” He watched as they rambled and walked around the kitchen to finish cooking the lunch they had started before he arrived.

“Yeah I’ll eat if you don’t mind. I didn’t eat anything before I came over.” He said sitting down on one of the stools by the counter. Even as he was around them for just a few minutes he couldn’t comprehend why he would yell at them like he did. Their presence was so warm and inviting, they were so caring and observant of everyone around them. Now he felt like even more of an ass before he came over to their apartment.

“Not that I don’t want to hang out with you or anything, but why exactly did you come over to my apartment today?” They asked setting down two plates of food on the counter and taking a seat across from Sakusa. Sakusa moved the food around his plate for a bit while he nervously thought about how to start the conversation. “I’m sorry.” He said and looked up, “About what happened when we were at Itachiyama.” Y/n paused, their food halfway to their mouth, and set down their utensils. “Oh, so you do remember that.” They said fidgeting with their hands, “I had honestly thought you forgot. It’s okay though Sakusa, it’s been what? Five years since that’s happened? I’ve moved past it, we’re different people than we were back then. I kinda get it though, I was a little much huh?” They asked, beginning to eat again.

“It wasn’t okay though, I shouldn’t have talked to you like that just because I was having a bad day Y/n. People care about you and what you have to say, and I guarantee your soulmate will love how bubbly and excited you always are.” Sakusa apologized again, he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to apologize enough to them. “Honestly Sakusa it’s fine, I’ve gotten over it, besides I might never find my soulmate anyway.” Y/n said as they finished their food and put their plate in the sink. “I know you got more quiet because of what I said. You’re not as outgoing or bubbly anymore, you’re more shy and reserved than before and I feel awful for that. I didn’t realize that what I said could have that big of an impact on you-”

“Well it did.” Y/n interrupted him, “It impacted me so much Sakusa. I was just trying to include you so you didn’t feel left out during group projects or activities. I was just trying to be nice to you Sakusa, you know it’s really stupid I even had a little crush on you. I know that’s dumb because the chances of us being soulmates is basically zero, but you were nice to me. You talked to me, helped me on the homework, and somewhere along the way I developed a crush. Then you yelled at me.” Y/n took a deep breath and laughed pathetically, “You yelled at me, which is really stupid, because people told me all the time that I was “too much” and needed to calm down. But it was different coming from you, coming from someone who I had thought had become a friend of mine.”

“Y/n I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.” Sakusa said as he made his way toward them. “I know you didn’t, Sakusa. I told you I’m over it. I guess I just wanted to yell back at you for it, even if it is five years later. Honestly I forgave you two years after it happened. I’m still bubbly and outgoing, it’s just that I wasn’t sure if you would’ve hated that at practice so I toned it down. Ask Bokuto, he’ll tell you.” Sakusa had felt a little better after hearing that from Y/n. He wasn’t sure he’d ever forgive himself if they had never gone back to their excitable personality.

“Here let me help with the dishes.” Sakusa said as he reached for the plate in their hand. They were about to protest when they felt a warm go on the tip of their index finger where his hand brushed theirs. Sakusa watched in awe as golden swirls danced around both of your finger tips, somehow in sync like a dance that wasn’t quite complete without its partner to help hold the rhythm of the number. The warmth of his hand was nothing like his sister had described to him. It felt like the first rays of sun in the morning on a warm autumn day with more of a comforting warmth than a hot one.

Neither of the two said anything as they watched the golden swirls fade away, but still felt the warmth of them underneath the skin still. “I know I said I had a crush on you earlier and I should be ecstatic that this is happening but a part of me can’t help but find this really ironic.” Y/n said laughing, still staring at their hands. “What do you mean?” Sakusa asked with a confused stare as he looked at Y/n. “You don’t think this is ironic? You literally told me my soulmate would find me annoying and now you’re my soulmate. It’s kind of funny.” Y/n explained, finally looking up at Sakusa.

Sakusa thought for a minute with furrowed eyebrows before realizing what they meant. “Would you be quiet about that?” He asked now laughing at the situation as well, “We just found out we’re soulmates and you’re making jokes? I’m glad you’re back to your old self but come on Y/n.” He gave a gentle shove to their shoulder as they laughed more at the situation and Y/n continued to make jokes and lightly shoved him back.

Outside the apartment Bokuto lowered his ready to knock fist with a smile, deciding to come back at a later time as he heard laughing coming from the inside of the usually quiet apartment.

[cozycottagetarot]

Who's Coming In & Why? (General)

Here’s the thing… I'd love to tell you this is all love and friendships, but it’s not. It’s more of a who’s coming in to help you move forward.

Still, I’m posting it because it may still resonate with some people.

However, I will do a second reading of the same topic in the future focusing on love and friendships in particular.

Check out my Paid Readings ✨

PILE 1 — The Inspiration

Energy surrounding them: Queen of Pentacles

I see this as being some person you need to move you forward, be it a general mentor, someone with a career, or someone to get you motivated to get up and take action (the latter comes through strongest) . They could be well off, not necessarily lavishly rich, but more so in the sense of being a better situation than you. There could be a nurturing or gentle energy to them as well.

The vibes I get: Vision boards, goals, goal setting, power move

Why they’re coming in? The Empress, Judgement, The Tower (all reversed)

There may be some kind of disharmony in your life, particularly with you. You may be too much into your masculine energy (logic and material) and neglecting your feminine energy (nurturing, intuition). It could be a matter of self confidence and unhappiness with how your life is going. This person is coming in to put you back on track, and shift your perspective. Them entering your life will help you to face your fears and release any self doubt you may have. They may help you to avoid ending up in a bad place. Because all your cards keep coming out reversed (even though I didn’t want to take all reversals) I see it as a sign as well to don’t be afraid to start anew, instead of trying to situate everything exactly the way it was in the before. Like that quote/saying that goes something like-- "don’t be afraid to start over because this time you’re not starting from scratch, your starting from experience?"

How they'll help you? 10 of Swords, 9 of Wands reversed

The only place to go from here is up, but you need to stop being so stubborn about it. This person coming in is going to help you get your back you drive to 'fight' so you can pursue happiness/goals in a new way.

Potential Struggles? Knight of Wands, The Star reversed

Be careful your inspired action is not really impulsivity . You’ll have to do some inner work as well. You may compare yourself to this person and risk falling back into the same state again. You need to take responsible actions, get in tune with your emotions and work on your confidence and any anxieties you may have. Healing from the past as well, because your past isn’t your future.

PILE 2 -- The Therapist

Energy surrounding them: The Star

The energy surrounding the person coming in is one of calm and stability, and that is what they will bring to you. This person is going to help heal you, be it professionally (a therapist or psychologist) or unintentionally (someone who triggers our healing). This person is going to feel like everything will be okay.

The vibes I get: therapy, a guiding star, two people sitting and talking, letting your soul speak

Why they’re coming in? 6 of Wands reversed, The Moon, 6 of cups reversed

This person is going to help reveal the truth about a situation. Particularly if you haven’t had the best things happening a) in most of your life, or b) in this particular chapter or your life. This person will help you realise the things that weren’t your fault, the things you can change and the things that all come down to your beliefs. You may come to realise with the help of this person, that a lot of fears and limitations you have are self imposed. Not only that, but this person may help you figure out what your positive inner voice sounds like and help you to embrace it. Any dreams you’ve had hidden away (sleep dreams or goals-dreams) may also become more clear to you. After this you’ll be able to move forwards in live. The past won’t hold you back anymore. You’ll be able to move on or view these events that took place through a new lense.

How they'll help you? 3 of Wands, 8 of Swords reversed

The blindfold is going to come off. You’re going to be able to move forward in your life. The work you put in is going to help you move forward with a new found confidence and belief in self. You’ll be able to take your life into your own hands.

Potential Struggles? king of pentacles & ace of swords

You may struggle with the whole process of breaking through and envisioning a different future for yourself. Also, seeing your growth and how mature and stable (as in the different areas of your life) you may have become may take you some time or be difficult.

Pile 3-- The Sage

Energy surrounding them: The Emperor

The person coming into your life has a strong energy to them. They are most likely older than you or at the least has a very wise energy to them. They might not be the most emotional or expressive, but they are reliable.

The vibes I get: Someone with an otherworldly energy or wisdom. Someone established. You can't help but notice them.

Why they're coming in? 4 of Pentacles, The Chariot, Page of Cups

This person is coming in to show you how to find and build security in many aspects of your life the right way. You may be holding onto things that aren’t good for you and this person is going to come in and force you to ask yourself why. Also potentially isolation may be something you need to deal with. You may be currently playing defence. But once you allow yourself to let go, you may find new things, people, and opportunities come in, better than you image. You may find yourself becoming someone you really want to be as well as finding yourself in the beginning stages of tapping into your emperor energy.

How they'll help you? Strength reversed, Knight of Swords

They’re going to help you tap into your inner strength so you can take the necessary actions to help yourself. They’ll help trigger the arrival of big changes in your life.Things will finally start to flow.

Potential Struggles? Judgement, 6 of Pentacles

You may feel resistant at first, feeling as if they don’t know what they’re talking about and are just trying to bring you down. You may be hesitant to take their advice or trust that they have your best interest in mind.

** Gandalf. Gandalf came to me but I don’t know why as I know practically nothing about him. 😬 Maybe you do!?

Pile 4-- The Charmer

Energy surrounding them: 8 of Cups reversed

The person coming in is going to scare you, but not in a bad way. You may have this happy, “I’m put together” facade, and this person is going to be able to see right through it. They have the ability, literally or metaphorically, to bring you into something better and that may leave you feeling afraid.

The vibes I get: Someone clever and charming. Feeling flustered. Oh no, I have a crush.

Why they’re coming in? Temperance, 9 of Pentacles, 8 of Swords

They’re coming in to show you that if you stop allowing fear to keep you where you are, peace, balance, and contentment will find you. The situation you may be staying in may not be a result of your actions, and taking the steps to get out of it may be difficult, but this person is one hundred percent here to challenge your reasoning for why you can’t.

How they'll help you? The Magician, 10 of Swords, The High Priestess reversed

They’re going to show you magic. I’m feeling like you might develop a romantic or platonic crush on them. There’s just that vibe. They’re going to show you how amazing you truly are. They’re going to show you that you have the ability to make things happen. They’ll help you create that ending and see your new beginning.

Potential Struggles? Knight of Cups reversed, 2 of Wands

This person most likely isn’t going to stay long and that may throw you off guard. This all feels very fast paced so their quick arrival and departure may leave you feeling a little bit broken hearted. Be careful you’re not investing too much headspace and emotion in this person.

Pile 5-- The Cheerleader

Energy surrounding them: 3 of Swords reversed

This person has a very calm healing energy to them. I feel like if you’re going through a heartbreak in particular, the prominent pain of it is going to start disappearing. I actually redid your reading and the vibes I was getting before were not good ones. I felt like I was trying to shoo it away, and the reading felt like it was about someone leaving you who had hurt you so I think that’s what this could be. This could also be someone from the past. An old friend in particular.

**As for the person from the past, to help you figure out if this reading is for you— i was thinking back of the cards I pulled and this person felt emotionally immature and manipulative, though I’m not sure it’s intentionally. Were you trying to fix them? To make them feel better? But they were so stuck in their toxic habits/mindset that they just ended up sending your world into turmoil? Because that came through strongly just now.

The vibes I get: thank you, troubles disappearing, a sigh of relief

Why they’re coming in? King of Swords, King of Cups reversed, 4 of Cups reversed

This person is coming in to help you move on from the pain and worries that you have been in. You’re ready to get back to business and this person will be there for you. Cheerleading came to me as well, so that’s what they’ll be— your cheerleader. You’re also going to be stepping into a new chapter of maturity and level headedness. Any responsibilities or ideas you’ve been putting off, this person is going to help you with them.

How they'll help you? 9 of Wands, The Empress reveresed

Like I mentioned before, they’re going to help ease your anxieties, pain and sadness. With The Empress rx, ‘makeover’ came to me as well and I got super excited, so maybe that’s what you need and this person will help you with? They’re going to help you sort your emotions, make sense of everything and feel confident, attractive and capable again.

Potential Struggles? The World, Page of Wands

Setting your world back in order is going to take some work, but the results will be worth it. The only caution would be don’t rush your actions, without thinking about the consequences fully.

———

Disclaimer: I read tarot for self reflection and guidance purposes, but as always, this reading is for fun and entertainment purposes only. I may include advice for if you find a particular topic resonating, but it is in no way meant to replace any kind of professional advice. Any reading I post is in no way meant to act as or replace professional advice of any kind. You know yourself and what’s going on in your life best so I ask that you trust yourself above all else. Prediction readings are to be seen simply as a potential outcome. Finally, please take only what resonates from the reading which may be some of it, all of it, or none at all.

[shifted-nights-au]

Shifted Nights Part 8

A firm knock sounds at the front door of the small apartment. Michael groaned gently and dragged himself to the door, sluggishly answering, without concern on the state of his face.

"Hm?"

"Hey Mikey, I have some stuff for you."

Michael snapped awake at the sound of Henry's voice.

"Henry?" Michael swiped his bangs out of his face. Of course, there stood Henry, a suitcase and shoebox in his hands.

"Yep! I have some of your clothes, toiletries, stuff like that, and uhm, a little gift!" He motioned gently with the shoebox.

"O-oh, uh, Henry, you didn't have to.." Michael gestured vaugely. "I could have gone back and grabbed clothes myself, I don't wanna put you in between me and William."

"Its no problem, really." Henry smiled and rolled the suitcase over to Michael, who took it and set it inside, just next to the door.

"And, uh, this." Henry handed Michael the shoebox. "I know it's a little late, I had trouble getting it all done by your birthday, but uhh.." He shrugged as Michael took hold of the box. "Happy birthday, kiddo." He ruffled Michael's hair.

"W-what?"

"Your birthday was a week ago."

"It...was?" Michael put a hand on his head. "Fuck, it was, wasn't it? Wait, how old am I...? Shit, I'm sorry! I-"

"You're 26." Henry smiled.

He felt dizzy. Twenty six years old, already. Most people at this age would be finishing up college, or buying a car. He was.....dead. He laughed a little.

"Jeez.....I'm..I'm sorry, Henry."

"What? Why are you sorry?" Henry tilted his head slightly.

"I promised you I'd make to at least thirty." Michael chuckled. It came out quick, a light burst of air. If he let anymore noise out, it'd turn into a sob.

"No no no, Michael, it's okay." Henry spoke softly, and hugged the boy tightly. "You made it this far. I'm proud of you. I'm so, so proud of you."

Michael buried his face in Henry's shoulder, wrapping his arms around the older man. He trembled gently.

"You're doing great, Mikey. Just take one day at a time. You'll make it."

Soon enough, as always, Michael was a sobbing mess in Henry's arms. And, as always, Henry held him for as long as he needed. This boy meant everything to him. He gave Henry something to stick around for after the loss of his own two children. As far as he was concerned, Michael was his son, not William's.

Michael pulled away gently.

"Jeez, I totally just- I'm sorry, that was- fuck, I'm sorry."

"Its alright. Its okay to cry." Henry pat Michael's shoulder. "Open it up, I wanna see what you think." He motioned to the box.

Michael uncertainly opened the box, placing the lid under it. He gently pulled back the white tissue paper.

Inside lay a small robot bear.

"You found him?" Michael spoke quietly, staring at the small creature.

"Yeah. He was a little roughed up when I did, but I made some repairs. Redid his electronics, casing, everything. I was even able to salvage his AI and data chips. He has a larger memory storage now, he should be able to go longer without needing to upload his memories." Henry smiled. "Figured you'd want your little helper back."

Michael hugged him tightly.

"Thank you, thank you.." He quietly repeated the sentiment, over and over. Henry pat his back gently.

"Of course, buddy."

"Michael? Who's at the door?" Fritz rubbed his eye as he approached.

Michael turned to look at him. "Just Henry, he's dropping off some stuff!"

Henry smiled and gave Fritz a small wave before patting Michael's shoulder. "Alright, I gotta go check in on Evan, I'll see you later, bud."

"Right, right, see ya later!" Michael stepped into the apartment, closing the shoebox.

"Love ya, kiddo!" Henry started down the hallway.

"Love you too, dad!" Michael shut the door, then froze.

Fritz held back a laugh.

"Did I just...."

"Yep."

"....Fuck."

The day continued rather smoothly. Michael showed his newly re-aquired friend to his roommates (and Gregory, he insisted on seeing the robot at least once before going to school). The robot whirred to life and practically vibrated with happiness upon being scooped up into Michael's arms. Once Fritz had left to accompany Gregory to school, Jeremy and Michael plopped down on the couch and watched the little bear explore his surroundings excitedly.

"So, w-what's his n-name?"

"Helpy. Hella unoriginal, I know, but I think it fits." Michael smiled as he watched Helpy trot over to a coffee table and climb onto it.

"I th-think i-it's cute." Jeremy smiled.

Helpy stood on the table triumphantly, raising his paws.

"Mikey look I did it I did it!!"

"Good job buddy!!" Michael reached over and pat the animatronic's head, earning a bright smile as he hopped off the table and continued running around.

"Y-Y'know, y-your pretty g-good with k-kids."

Michael leaned back. "Yeah, its uhm....from taking care of Evan and Liz."

"You'd b-be a great f-father."

Michael froze.

You really are just like me.

"M-mikey? Michael? A-are y-you ok-kay?"

Did you really think you could be better than me, boy?

"M-Michael?"

We're one in the same. You even look like me. A little carbon copy.

"MICHAEL!"

Michael jolted from his absent state. He found his hands on his head, nails digging into his scalp. He gently pulled them away.

"F-fuck..." He shooks gently.

"M-Mikey? W-what happened?" Jeremy put a hand on Michael's shoulder.

"You alright dude?" Fritz knelt down in front of the corpse.

"F-Fritz? When did you get home?"

"A few minutes ago, in the middle of your...thing. You okay, man? Do you need anything?"

Michael shook his head. "I'm okay, I'm alright, I...."

"A-Are you s-sure? W-was it something I-I said?"

"No, it's okay, I'm fine." Michael let out a shaky breath.

"You can take your mask off, dude. It's okay, it's just us three."

"It's fine, I don't...." He trailed off, zoning out again. His brain felt fuzzy, the noises around him sounded muffled. He felt strong hands on his arms, but they felt distant, like he was in a box being held. His eyes faltered, and his vision blurred.

(Sorry for the late update! I've been swamped with school stuff lately but I'll update more frequently once its all done!!)

[continent-of-wild-endeavor]

Garden log 5/14

Today I planted 26 tomatoes, for a total of 36 so far. I'm not keeping track of which ones are where, because there's just San Marzano, Costeluto, and generic roma types, and I think I'll be able to tell them apart. Or if I can't, or they hybridized or something, they're all destined for the sauce anyway.

There's still 16 seedlings left. I should resist the other to squeeze them all in. I could do it, but it would be crowded, and I don't need that many gd tomatoes. I'll do at least one more row of 8, though. Maybe put some outside the fence, to fend for themselves, feral tomato experiment?

Finished replanting the beans. I got butter beans in at what I thought was the right time, and green beans a few days later, and had poor germination in both. Now that the soil's warmer, I redid both with fresh seed (though from the same trusted source). If they *still* don't come up well, I'll suspect a soil problem next. They're in soil amended with a good deal of slightly-aged rabbit manure, which should be ok, but maybe that's too much for germinating beans.

Also planted field peas next to the kale-yarrow-basil rows. Is that enough field peas? Probably not. Better add another row somewhere.

Kale, chard, carrots, onions, potatoes, hollyhocks, herbs, strawberries all looking good. Time to eat some greens, & thin some carrots for the buns.

[zevveli]

A liquor with the same amount of caffeine as three cups of coffee per shot!! CAN I HEAR THE STORY?!

I fell into the rabbit hole from Youtube algorithms of a channel called "How To Drink" and in one of his videos he made the "Appletini light on the Tini" from Scrubs. In that he described how he mad the apple liqueur from it so I decided to give it a shot.

I went down to the local liquor store and I got myself a bottle of "White Lightning" which is a 100 proof corn spirit, a box of mason jars, a kitchen scale, and then went to the grocery store and bought some ingredients, specifically I bought a bag of granny smith apples, the necessary ingredients for pie spice, and a can of coffee grounds.

Now the process for making liqueurs at home is extremely simple. Take the mason jar and put in the ingredient you are trying to make your flavoring from, then put in the alcohol, let it sit for at least 24 hours, strain it into the container you want it in, then add sugar and water until you reach the taste/concentration you are aiming for.

So I made up two jars, in one I added a diced apple and the a homemade pie spice blend, and in the other I put in six scoops of the coffee grounds I had picked up. I poured in the White Lightning and let them set. Now I messed up while doing this in that I didn't really record how much I added, so I used math and chemistry to estimate how much alcohol was in there and wound up making some liqueurs that were 15% ABW instead of 15% ABV and I think when I redid the math later it worked out to about 20% ABV. But that is only slightly to the point.

So I don't drink coffee, but my mom loves it. And one of her go-to drinks is a White Russian, and since I took the time to make an experimental liqueur for her she decided to try it. And it was great, it tasted just like a coffee syrup that she used to have as a kid growing up, and it was one of the best drinks she ever had. Except now the alcohol made her sleepy but she was absolutely wired lying down but unable to sleep.

So I really should have remembered this because I took analytical chemistry lab in college and we did this a lot, but ethanol is REALLY good at extracting things out of botanicals, so it got out all the bitters, and the tanins, and everything that makes coffee taste like coffee. But it also took out ALL the caffeine. So those six scoops of coffee I used? It pulled all of it out, I wound up diluting it to the 473 mL with water and sugar, but an 8 ounce cup is about 240 mL, and each scoop could make 6 cups of coffee. So yeah, basically the entire bottle had the equivalent of 36 cups of coffee in it, and a 1.5 ounce shot was equivalent to about 3.4 cups of coffee.

[somediyprojects]

We Each Shall Perish stitched and designed by Calluna.

Artist’s explanation under the cut.

Happy New Year! This is very text-heavy for just one photo, be forewarned. I finished this last night just in time to keep the 2020 date on it. Signing with the year before it’s complete was some built-in accountability to finish in a timely manner. 

What started with the intention to do a quick stitched commentary turned into a whole research project over a couple months, and more ripped stitches than with any needlework I’ve done before.

At some point, after knowing what I wanted to say, I decided it should be a traditional sampler, with design and motifs both symbolic and specific to what was done in my region historically. For some reason I always avoided authentic traditional Euro-American aesthetics, so this was a new experience for me and I felt like there was enough creativity and intention involved behind the scenes for the “me” in it to come through. And anything with “2020” on it will carry a unique meaning.

I looked at hundreds of samplers and mourning embroideries online and read various articles to learn about the techniques and social history of samplers. Some links can be found in this post!

Librarian disclaimer: I didn’t get to read any of the evidently excellent books on the topic because library books aren’t circulating, they are too expensive to purchase for a one-time reference, and it isn’t important enough to warrant getting other people involved in connecting me with the books right now. So I’m no expert on the topic, and there are plenty of things I didn’t do completely accurately. For example, aida cloth wasn’t a thing, at least in this region. But it’s what I have and it makes things easier.

Likewise, though a surprising amount of samplers addressed death in some way, there was typically a genre distinction between samplers and memento mori or mourning needlework, and I blended the two a little more than would be normal. Mourning embroidery became fashionable in the Victorian era, but death was such a normal part of life in all eras (until our own), that symbolism, rhyming verses making mention of mortality, and references to the deceased showed up in many earlier surviving pieces.

As such, though there are many things traditionally associated with death tucked in here, there is just as much that is more about cycles and seasons, which always do include death, while fitting the unofficial “template” of Mid-Atlantic sampler layouts. That layout frequently includes stately architecture (I used my own house even though it is definitely not stately, but still from the era and more personal), a “busy yard” out front, vases and baskets of fruit or flowers, symmetry, and big, wavy borders.

Though I referred to sooooo many public-domain charts and images of historical pieces, several individual elements were my own design, since I couldn’t find what I was looking for in an adequately small design.

Also not 100% historically accurate or consistent, but I couldn’t resist using the old-school long S that looks like an “f”; I even changed my initial phrase to use words with an “s” so I would have an excuse. From what I read, though, I think I used them in a grammatically correct manner. You can smack me with a ruler if not.

In the early days of this project my beloved foster cat died a really crappy death, so I added her likeness to the center of the yard to honor her; it certainly fits the theme. I redid it a few times because it started with accurate coloring and everything I tried looked too busy for the already busy layout, so she ended up a stylized, solid grey…but still chunky.

Since sampler-makers were using even-weave cloth, they used various embroidery stitches as their designs called for, not predominantly cross-stitch. What they did cross-stitch took a lot more attention than it does with aida cloth. I found that most of the samplers were made by girls ages 8-14, and it’s amazing how skillful they were. I can’t imagine having such a steady and meticulous hand at that age, considering how clumsy I still am!

They often stitched their age onto the piece, and so I initially stitched “in her fortieth year” at the bottom, but it felt wrong so I replaced it with the county and state (which was also included in many samplers).

I learned that after the educational and indoctrinational purposes were fulfilled, finished samplers were prominently displayed in the family home to market a skillful, obedient and well-parented future wife to their visitors (sure, they wouldn’t word it that way, but that’s what what going on). And unless you had personal servants and/or slaves to do your work for you, you only had this one chance in early adolescence to make something beautiful (and even then, it wasn’t your choice); after the sampler, your embroidery became strictly functional and you were too busy with your chores and then children for something like art.

So, this adds another personal layer of meaning for me, because I’m choosing to make a sampler, at age 40, just for my own enjoyment in my leisure time, in a world where I have the resources and rights to forge my own path, with no need to marry, have children, or fill my time with the basic work of survival. And while women’s rights and lives have improved immeasurably in many ways (and in many but not all places), those women had some invaluable wisdom that we have lost along the way.

I tea-dyed the fabric, but because of the mineral content in my tap water, the fabric turned this purply-grey color instead of brown. It is totally not a fabric color that you see with the old samplers, but since it’s still natural dye and part of the fun of natural dyeing is the unpredictability, I kept it as-is. I experimented with some scraps for dye-overs and bleaching, but I wanted to get it finished more than I wanted a brown background. I may yet try it, but l will have to weigh the risk.

Getting the thread colors right (entirely from stash) was a big challenge, both because of the shortened daylight hours and the toned background. Colors that look simply grey or brown to my eye took on various hues when paired with this fabric. Most of the dullest shades colors I have looked almost garish when I tried them out. The reproduction samplers I saw online, though beautiful, look very new because the colors pop. I was aiming for something that looked old and faded with my thread choices, but even so it’s more vivid than I would have liked. Nevertheless, it was a wonderfully meditative project for completing 2020 and the shortening days of the year.

[mrslilyrogers]

Betrayal Part 7

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary: (AU) Set in New York. You and Bucky have been married for 5 years. He’s the love of your life and you are his. At least, you thought you were until he started slipping away from you, coming home late and smelling of another woman’s perfume? You are in denial. Are you just losing your mind or are you really losing him?

Author’s notes: I’m so so sorry this took so long! I redid the whole thing. We’re going to back up a bit in this chapter and visit the past. Please check the warnings before reading. Also, my requests are open. Send ideas if you’re feeling particularly angsty! Or even fluff, I’d like to try my hand at it. As always, let me know what you think of this chapter! For tags, please send in ask! 

Warnings: Cheating, Angst, Abuse, Swearing

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4  Part 5 Part 6

2 years ago.

Bucky tapped his fingers on the table as he checked his watch again. 8:15. Forty-five minutes late. Again. He let out a huge sigh, barely able to hold himself from scratching his eyes out. The curly-haired waitress went back to him with an apologetic look on her face, “I’m sorry, sir. My manager told me I really need to take your order now. There’s already a line waiting outside…” she let her sentence trail sheepishly. Bucky tried to ignore the heat creeping up his cheeks and gave her an unconvincing smile instead, reciting his order. When she left with visible relief on her face, he picked up his phone and called his wife again. He had tried to call and text her earlier but she hadn’t picked up.

“Hello?” Y/N answered, sounding frazzled and irritated as she cleaned up after her rude customer. He just had the audacity to leave a mess after complaining and whining about the wifi three times. She could barely keep her eyes from rolling. 

“Hey, babe. Where are you? I’ve been waiting for you at the restaurant,” Bucky’s defeated voice on the other line replied. 

“Oh shit!” She shrieked, attracting the heads of the other customers as she glanced at the clock on the wall. She had lost track of time. Bucky had been waiting for her for almost an hour. On their anniversary. Oh crap, crap, crap. 

“Oh my god, baby. I’m so sorry! I’m understaffed and I lost track of time! Could you please wait for me? I’m so sorry!” She quickly took off her apron and changed into the dress she had brought with her that morning for their date. Bucky had been planning this. He arranged for Lizzie’s babysitter and everything, practically bouncing off with excitement for this night. He wanted to try out this new restaurant and between raising Lizzie and making sure Winter Bakery was still making a profit, they haven’t seen much of each other lately. She just couldn’t find the time whereas Bucky’s stable position in Shield gave him more authority to delegate. And he literally had been trained for this for years. All those late-nighters at the university and all the grunt work he and Steve went through have finally paid up. They were at the top of their game, one of the youngest to acquire their positions. They were heroes in the investment banking world. Life was easy for him now, cherry on top of the cake. He only wished Y/N could be there with him. But she was still on shaky ground with her business and he fully understood that. 

“Of course! I already picked our appetizers though. They were trying their best to kick me out gently if I didn’t order anything,” 

“Oh, my poor Bucky. You should’ve flashed them your smile, charmed your way. They would’ve made you stay,” she replied, fixing her ponytail, not having the time to retouch her makeup anymore. This’ll just have to do. 

“Really, now. It was a waitress, you know.” He teased back. 

A beat before Y/N replied in mock seriousness. “In that case, don’t you dare. I’ll be there in 15!” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it. See you, babe. I love you--,” 

But before he could even finish his sentence, the line had dropped on the other end.  

_______________________________________________________________________

1 year ago.

“Daddy, look, apples!” Lizzie pointed from her seat in the grocery cart. Her legs swinging as she giggled at the heap of apples on their side. “Yeah, baby, you’re right.” Bucky replied absentmindedly, not even bothering to look as he stared confusedly at the bunch of green vegetables in front of him. The list Y/N gave him said scallions, but how the hell was he supposed to know which was which? Scallions, spring onions, green onions, they were all the same right? He suddenly regretted volunteering to do their grocery shopping alone, having no clue what half of the list Y/N prepared even meant. It was the weekend, they were all supposed to go together and then have a quick visit to the toy store after, for one more of Lizzie’s birthday gifts. She had just turned 3 a week ago and he couldn’t help but promise to let her pick out another doll. When Y/N had given him a pointed look while Lizzie clung on and gushed to him, he couldn’t help but to just give her a tiny shrug. He grew up with nothing, he was gonna give his little girl everything. But that morning when he thought the three of them finally had time to spend together, Y/N couldn’t make it again. She was having problems with her manager and had to go into work unexpectedly. Now, she wasn’t even answering his calls when he had to ask her about the most complicated grocery list he’s ever seen in his whole life. 

“Daddy, when are we getting my doll?” Lizzie asked again, looking up at him as she clutched her favorite white wolf stuffed toy. 

“After this, sweetheart.” He answered, preoccupied and calling Y/N again. This time when she didn’t answer, he gave up, grabbed the one nearest to him and hoped for the best. 

When he’s gotten halfway through the list and let Lizzie point at the snacks she wanted for school, he let his mind wander, when the hell had they become like this? He barely saw his wife anymore. Her problems with her bakery cafe, always dragging her away from them. He wished she could find competent people who would stay but if it weren’t her manager, it was her baker and so on. And if she was finally free, he’d be the one who was busy. It was hard and annoying but coupled that with taking care of an over-enthusiastic three-year-old, it was also exhausting.

He missed Y/N and he wished he could spend time with her. He completely understood that she was always needed at work. He had been through that in their early 20s, but they didn’t have a kid then to compete for their time and understanding it was different from actually living it. Their marriage had become stagnant. The banality of their everyday life, a stark contrast to how they used to be when they were just a couple of kids off college who rented a too-small apartment with his little sister, Becca. Time has flown and he’s finally achieved the life he’s always wanted; a big duplex apartment, a steady high-income job and a family he had always yearned for but never really knew he needed. All of the things he promised himself when he was younger and had nothing, he had now and more, yet there was still something missing. He missed the thrill of his life, chasing his dreams had always kept him motivated, distracted. Now that he had it all, he was at his wits’ end. Maybe it was because they were also growing apart, he could feel it. Y/N had always been able to make him happy and whole; he had always been able to rely on her emotionally. She was the better part of him and now that she was becoming distant, he hung onto her like a lifeline but his insistence on going on vacations as a family wherever his wife and daughter wanted went unheard, all his attempts at romancing cancelled. 

Even as he lined up now for the cashier, he whipped out his phone to text her. His hands had been busy typing when a brooding, dark-haired man stood behind him dressed in all black. His arms were muscled despite his age and the sagging skin on his right arm holding a tattoo of an odd skull with tentacles extending out of it was barely covered by his shirtsleeve. 

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t little Bucky,” a familiar husky voice mocked from behind him. 

Bucky immediately felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, the voice sending a deep chill down his spine, making him go rigid as he slowly turned around, the blood draining from him when he went face to face with the man who had made his life a living hell, the man who not only broken him physically but in spirit as well. Repeatedly. 

“You some errand boy now? I didn’t raise you to be like that, you know,” He continued to mock, tipping his chin to the cart with Lizzie still on it. 

“Do you know him, daddy?” She asked, holding her little wolf tighter as she watched the stranger warily. 

“Hey there, sweetie. Your daddy didn’t tell you about me? That’s weird. I raised him and your aunt Rebecca a long time ago. My name is Rumlow,” he flashed her a chilling smile, stepping closer to offer his hand. That’s when the fog in Bucky’s brain cleared. He moved with a lightning fast reflex, stepping in between them as he got in Rumlow’s face, fisting his collar harshly in one hand, 

“Don’t you dare go near her,” his dark and low voice had threatened, dripping venom. His eyes had dilated, almost turning black as he shoved him hard. Rumlow’s grating laugh echoed around them, bringing back all those awful memories he had buried deep inside his head. 

“I’ve taught you well, boy. Can’t say I’m not proud,” He clapped and actually smiled at him smugly. At this point, Lizzie had started crying making Bucky even more furious. 

“I don’t ever want to see your face again. And if you go near my daughter again, I’ll make you fucking regret it. Do you understand?” His threats went on deaf ears as Rumlow broke out into a full-fledged grin. 

“I’d love to see you try, James. You’ve grown soft,” He accused, eyeing Lizzie and the grocery he had still lined up, several heads already looking at them. 

“Lucky for you. I have a new son here,” He continued, tilting his head to the boy standing by his mostly empty cart-- save for the beer and the liquor. Bucky flicked his attention to the boy and he felt his world spin as he saw himself in him with his eyes haunted, wary and afraid. He couldn’t have been older than eight. Rumlow smirked at the look on Bucky’s face, already detecting the turmoil brewing inside him. He had succeeded. He always knew Bucky was weak, his emotions his downfall. The fear and guilt clearly written in Bucky’s eyes made Rumlow gloat as he talked to the boy, 

“What did I say, Bert, huh? You’ll only have food if you go get it yourself. Why are you still standing there?” 

The boy looked around the big grocery store, mentally taking note of the stalls and where they were currently at, memorizing it in case he got lost but still, he didn’t move. Bucky looked at Rumlow and he saw the same look he’d always had directed at him before, his taunting eyes daring the boy to go or face the consequences. 

“But I’m scared,” the boy replied, his voice small and frightened. Rumlow moved to him, bending his knees to get to his eye level. “Well then, you just won’t have to eat,” he told him in a hushed voice, pouting and mocking. 

Bucky didn’t have to hear it to know the exact words, buried memories rushing back to the surface. He heard it countless times directed at him. The boy ran to the nearest stall, his heart pounding and hoping Rumlow would still be at that same spot when he came running back. Bucky knew the feeling, it was like he was living it all over again. As much as he wanted to help, he was rooted to the spot, even Lizzie’s crying couldn’t move him. Rumlow stood back up and faced him. “You were always my favorite,” he told him proudly as he pushed his own cart away from them, no doubt to give Bert an even harder chance of finding him. 

Just before he got too far, he swiftly turned around, feigning innocence as he said, “Oh and by the way, say hi to Rebecca for me,”  His lips twisted up into a sneering smirk as he left, whistling without a care in the world. And just like that Bucky was moving, grabbing Lizzie and getting out of that store as fast as he could, hoping Rumlow would stay out of his life forever. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m never letting you do the groceries again!” Y/N screeched, a horrified look on her face as she stared at their fridge. After the incident with Rumlow, Bucky had brought Lizzie to the toy store, allowing her to buy all the stuffed toys and dolls she wanted instead of just the previously promised one doll. They had gone to lunch after, he kept Lizzie distracted as much as possible to forget the man she had just met. When she brought him up again, he told her it was just a friend he didn’t like very much and that she shouldn’t bring it up to her mom because it was nothing, he promised he never had to see that man again. Lizzie seemed satisfied with his answer and went back to her usual chirpy self. On their way home, they passed by another grocery store. He had mindlessly strolled the aisles and grabbed whatever he thought they needed, his head at a different place, much as it still is now.

“Bucky, we don’t need four cartons of milk, why would you even get this?” Y/N asked incredulously, shaking her head as she chuckled. 

Bucky had been staring off into space, not hearing what his wife had been saying. “Uhm, hello Bucky, you still with me?” she teased, waving a hand in front of his face. 

“Oh sorry, what was that?” He asked, glancing up at her from his perch by the kitchen counter. The coffee he had brewed, now cold in his hands. 

“Hey, you okay?” she asked, looking at him with concern in her eyes. 

“Yeah, just didn’t sleep well,” he waved dismissively. Y/N felt a pang of guilt. He’d been bugging her to spend more time together, planning outings and dates that she never seemed to find time for. 

“Well, I finally have the day free. Why don’t we go out, watch a movie or have a picnic? It’ll be fun,” she suggested, draping a hand over his shoulder while her chin rested on the other, her elbow propped up on the countertop to keep an eye level with him. 

“I can’t, I’m sorry, babe. I promised to meet up with Thor,” he moved away from her touch, standing up. Y/N looked at him confusedly, “Okay, how about after?”

“Gotta go over some accounts with Sam, sorry love. I’ll be back before dinner,” He gave her a quick kiss to the cheek before heading out. Y/N stared after him, brows knitted, before shrugging. She’ll just get her errands around the house done then. 

After pounding the punching bag in Thor’s gym incessantly, Bucky found himself aimlessly walking around the streets, he just needed to clear his head. The little boy’s face was still etched in his mind as he opened the door to a bar. A little too early, he knew but he couldn’t shake off the nagging thought plaguing his mind. 

How could he have let that monster roam free while he had lived his life without even a glance back? 

_______________________________________________________________________

Years ago.

Bucky held Becca’s hand as they ascended the rickety steps of their new home. They had just lost their parents and were now moving into an unfamiliar house. The case worker had told them they were lucky not to be separated and that they shouldn’t worry; they were getting a good foster father who would take care of them from now on. 

“I had interviewed him myself, you see,” She told the children, beaming with pride. 

“I couldn’t have found a better one for you guys, why, this area is still very close to where you grew up in. You could still visit your old haunts,” She ruffled Becca’s hair, trying to lighten the mood while the little girl just moved farther away, hiding behind her big brother. The worn-out door which at once might have been painted pristine white but now had chippings hanging off of it suddenly opened with a creak, a man with a charming and easy nature stepped out with a warm smile on his face that didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“You guys are here! Welcome, welcome, please come in!” He gestured humbly to his house. Becca squeezed Bucky’s hand tighter which he squeezed back in return, reassuring her. There was something about this man that wasn’t quite right. He seemed relaxed and easy-going, a smile continuously plastered on his face but there was a lethality to him that the children couldn’t seem to shake off, almost as if it was buried deep inside waiting to be unleashed. The case worker hung on his every word, giggling as they talked. She slapped his arm with the horrible looking tattoo that gave Becca a fright. The children barely moved from the sofa they were seated at after the introductions. 

“It’s usually like this. Don’t worry. They start to open up after a while,” the case worker sympathized with Brock, the man who introduced himself as their new foster father; he would treat them as his own, he had promised. 

“It’s alright. I understand. After my wife, I’ve been all alone and this, this is a blessing to me,” He told her as he turned to the children. Her hand strayed to his arm again and lingered there. 

“Oh, Brock, you are a good man. They’re great children, they won’t give you trouble.” She replied, patting his arm for reassurance. It didn’t miss Bucky how she hung off his every word. 

“But I should get going, I will check up on you in a week. Children, be good. You have my number if you need anything,” She stood up, smoothing the wrinkles on her blazer.

“Wait, you’re leaving us already?” Bucky couldn’t help the whine that escaped his voice. He didn’t miss the darkness that spilled over Brock’s face for a split second before he carefully put his smile back on again. 

“I’ll be back in a week, Bucky. Don’t you worry,” the case worker smiled before she walked out the door leaving him and Becca to a stranger. 

When she was out of sight, Brock had suddenly changed his demeanor. The smile on his face had turned into a scowl when he faced them. “Alright, listen up both of you,”  he boomed, his voice cruel. “Grab your things and get on to your rooms. I don’t want to hear any noise. No running around, and if I see you making a mess. You bet your little asses, you’ll pay for it,” He stood up and left them to their bags. 

“But Mr. Brock, I’m thirsty,” Becca piped up, looking up at him timidly. The man’s grating laugh rumbled as he threw his head back, shaking it.  

“That’s Rumlow to both of you, you hear me?  Don’t make that mistake again. Now, come here,” He said, beckoning both the children to come over. Once they reached the kitchen, he pointed to the high cupboard. “You see that?” He asked Becca, dropping low to get to her eye level. When she just nodded her head, he continued, “That’s where the glasses and the plates are. If you want something in this house, you go get it yourself. I’m not your nanny,” He held Becca’s face in his hand roughly. His fingers wrapped around her cheeks tight as he held her by the chin. Bucky felt his fists clench at his sides, pushing Rumlow as far as he could with his eleven year old might.  

“Stop that!” He screamed. Their parents never hurt them. How dare this man think he could do this to his little sister? 

“Oh you wanna be the man of the house?” Rumlow jeered, shoving Bucky back making him fall to the floor. Becca’s sniffles grew louder as she tried to stop her crying, her shoulders shaking from her effort. As Bucky lay sprawled, Rumlow scooted down menacingly to him, 

“You dare push me when you were just whining like a little bitch a while ago, you wanna man up? Alright, I’ll allow it,” he taunted, pondering it for a moment before his sinister smile came back on. “Let’s see how long you’ll last protecting your little sister.” He gripped his face by the chin, fingers squeezing exceedingly tight on his cheeks before he pushed him off and he hit the floor. 

“I won’t be some parent to you that you could twist around your little fingers, no. I’ll make you into the best man you could be. I will teach you about order. And order only comes through pain,” He drilled into him like a soldier as he stretched his legs back up, his measured steps going to the fridge to fish out a beer. He took a long gulp before he continued, 

“And the sooner you learned that, the better,” 

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Bucky sat alone at one of the benches by the field at his school, choosing solitude over the roar of the cafeteria after a particularly bad morning at home. Their foster father had woken up drunk and had haphazardly thrown things at them when Bucky accidentally burnt the eggs he had been cooking for his and Becca’s packed lunch for school. He picked on the peanut butter sandwich he prepared, not having the appetite to eat when he heard jeering voices from a group of boys and sounds of flesh being hit again and again with accompanying grunts of pain. He felt his feet move on instinct when he found them by the bleachers, a scrawny boy at the center of a group huddling over him, they were laughing as he tried to fight them off, not once being able to land a punch. The blood pumped in Bucky’s veins, a constant beating in his ears, as he grabbed the biggest of the bullies by the collar and harshly yanked him off the tiny, blonde boy now sprawled on the floor with his skinny arms covering his face. When one of the other kids tried to punch him, he deftly moved out of the way and delivered a swift blow to his stomach, making sure to spare his face so as not to get in trouble. That was how Rumlow did it, might as well use the same trick right? 

“What? Who wants to go next?” He threatened, loving the adrenaline coursing through his veins, the power he had with defending someone so helpless. The lanky blonde boy stood up beside him, blood dripping from his mouth as he held both his fists up, “I can do this all day,” he said, catching his breath but his stance clearly indicated he could barely stand up straight. Bucky just looked at him weirdly, not knowing whether to find him stupid or brave. The bullies stood against them, unsure. Bucky was the same age as them, only slightly bigger. Him and the blonde boy were still clearly outnumbered but Bucky’s eyes held a lethal strength in them, his body coiled with unleashed brutality, ready to fight. The bullies scrambled out of there as fast as they could, their feet tripping over them. 

“Yeah next time, pick on someone your own size!” he hollered before looking back at the blonde boy who looked younger than them but held himself with such maturity that it didn’t seem possible. He decided right then and there he was going to make him his new friend. Rumlow had always taught him about his belief of the natural order of the world, that strength and might always won the day and that order could only be achieved through pain. If you could inflict it on others, you were stronger, better. Weaker men were useless, had to be beaten up and put in their place. “That’s just the way of the world,” he had said. But Bucky was old and smart enough to see right through his facade. He was a bully, feeding off of people who couldn’t fight back. Bucky was going to be different, he wouldn’t bow down to his will. He just needed to protect his sister, spare her from the taint of Rumlow’s anger and prove that he wouldn't become the man Rumlow has been conditioning him to be. 

“You alright?” Bucky asked the boy standing beside him who was touching the bruise forming on his forehead.

“Yeah, thanks for helping me,” he replied sheepishly, ashamed he couldn’t fight for himself.

“Next time, just don’t provoke them, they aren’t worth it.” 

“But they were wrong. Bullies, I’d always stand up to them,” the blonde brushed his hair back from his forehead, determination steeling his voice. Bucky smiled, maybe he could learn a thing or two from this boy too. 

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Steve, what’s yours?”

“Bucky. Steve, you’re a little punk. You know that?” he said teasingly, laughing. 

Steve grinned back, “Jerk,” 

_______________________________________________________________________

Present

The light filtered into the room as the curtains were drawn back harshly causing Bucky to groan on his bed, flitting a pillow to cover his eyes. 

“Buck, come on. Get up,” Steve’s firm voice spoke through the fog in his mind. 

“Get out, Steve, I’m sleeping.” he replied, turning his back to the hand shaking his shoulder.

“How long are you going to do this? It’s been two weeks. Have you even talked to your family yet?” Steve’s judgmental voice rang out, hard and unforgiving. 

“She doesn’t even wanna see me,” he huffed, anger at himself boiling in his veins. He hasn’t seen his daughter in two weeks. Y/N’s short, cold replies to his messages were just updates on how Lizzie was doing, anything regarding Y/N, he had no idea about. He didn’t even know what sort of excuses she made up for Lizzie, how his “work trip” kept getting extended. When the hell could they keep that charade up? He was lucky enough she was letting him talk to his daughter on the phone for a few minutes every once in a while. He sat up on the bed, rubbing sleep from his eyes as he reached for the bottle of whiskey at the bedside table. These days he could only fall asleep when he’s had one too many to drink and even then, he’d still wake up with a headache that could only be dulled by alcohol. He barely even made it to work everyday. Sam had been good enough to cover for him, staying on neutral ground with everything that’s happening to his marriage although his eyes said otherwise, disappointment etched in them. All the while Steve had ignored him the entire time since the hospital. No amount of apologies moved him from his stance except today, when he suddenly barged into the hotel room Bucky has been renting like he owned the place. 

“Jesus, Bucky, stop that!” He swiped the bottle Bucky held between his lips, splashing amber liquid on his shirt and bed. 

“Damn it, Steve! Look what you did!  Give that back,” Bucky held his arm out, his reflexes slow as he tried to grab it from his friend. 

“Jesus Christ. You smell terrible. How much have you had to drink last night?” Steve fanned the air around him trying to rid the stench of alcohol and sweat.

“How the hell did you even get in here?” Bucky’s pissed off voice grumbled but one look at Steve’s intense stare with his brows furrowed and his jaw clenched, standing straight as a drill sergeant, arms crossed at his chest with his muscles bulging out of his fitted gray Under Armour shirt; he knew. The punk had intimidated his way in. No doubt leaving a poor breathless, flustered receptionist in his wake. 

“You could get that receptionist fired, you know?” He tried appealing to his best friend’s better nature.

“You wouldn’t tell. Plus, it isn’t as if she didn’t get a hefty tip. Go take a shower, Buck, you stink.” Steve didn’t budge, staring him down with a disgusted look on his face. Bucky just scoffed, 

“And then what? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Y/N kicked me out, man. Just go home, you’re wasting your time.” 

Steve’s hardened face softened as he looked at his friend. His eyes were puffy, his skin pale as he scratched his wildly unkempt beard, his greasy hair sticking out on one side. What the hell had happened to Bucky? How had it gone so bad for his friend in a matter of days? He suddenly moved out of instinct, collecting clothes strewn everywhere and packed them into the suitcase at the corner of the room. 

“Steve, what the hell are you doing?” Bucky exhaled loudly. It was too early for this. Where the hell was his drink? 

“Get your ass moving, Bucky. You’re staying at my place,”

[jaimistoryteller]

Update

10/2/2020 

Hello All

I hope all are well, I’ve been a bit stressed. The previous update post has become a disaster, so I am making a new one. 

This year is trying to be as frustratingly difficult as possible. 

In the last month or so: 

car battery died

Winston’s cancer scare, thankfully not cancer but he is on medication for at least the next year which has thrown the already tight budget into chaos. 

account went in the negative 4 times cause of things processing at the wrong time

ma’s furnace went out

back end of car decided it hates me and the control bar (originally thought shock or spring but alas was not) fell off car while I was driving down the road

my meds got messed up twice by the doctor prescribing them as she ‘forgot’ to send them to the pharmacy

had one cat die, another vanished (though he came home!)

discovered two things I need to fix on the car to make sure it is safe in the winter

I feel like I am missing some stuff, but alas, I don’t have the mental energy to look through the last post and its many updates to figure out what. 

As of today I am -$56 cause my loan payment came out, if I can get $7 in the account, then I can cover the rest Monday when I get my pay for errands and what not, though that will leave me with 11 dollars for the following two weeks.  

Good news: redid my Patreon and have several posts queued up over the month of October and November, one a week. I am going to try and get up to two a week. They are all accessible on the $1 per month tier. I’ll be doing a more thorough post on that shortly. 

Winston’s GoFundMe

Jaimi’s GoFundMe

Paypal: cosmosbusinessventures@gmail.com or Paypal Me

Ko-Fi

venmo @ JaimiSTCash

app $jaimist

Patreon 

Any and all help, including sharing, is appreciated.

Jaimi

10/26/2020 8 pm update

Hello Folks

It’s been a stressful few days between the weather, family issues, and house issues. I didn’t hit the goal for the weekend, and now my account is -$254. Thankfully I have nothing else due until the sixth of next month. 

I’m still trying to build up my Patreon so that I can stop asking for help so often. Right now it is at $32 a month, I’d need to make $220 a month to make sure the bare minimum is covered. I have several short stories queued up in the $1 a month slot, one a week for the next month, while working on getting more ready to go. For many that is less than the cost of a candy bar. 

Any and all help would be appreciated, as I am passing back out in pain, and really hope to wake to good news, so not to get hit with $80 in fees. Please share this with anyone you can think of. 

Jaimi

Images are Majestic Floof & below the read more my bank statements Paypal $0 and bank account -$254

$0/254

10/29/2020 1030 pm update

Hiya Folks

 I hope you all are well. First storm of the season hit, so lots of sleeping  going on. I use what was left on my food card for food and drinking water, so now broke, as my account is in the negative still.

 Any and all help is appreciated. I hope your days go smoothly. 

Jaimi 

 $0/334