#i think maybe today is just a bad day lmao
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I'm sick rn too and all I want is Korean army soup and orange juice
(fr tho I make the best soup)
side note why do koreans love those plastic slices of cheese so much. do they know there is this thing called cheddar (if you make me a Chinese chicken noodle soup you will gain my eternal loyalty)
#sophie speaks#sophie answers#moots#cyb3rd0g#orange juice... hurt#i am so weak man why does orange juice cause me poison damage what the hell#also maybe its just because i woke up but the idea of Korean army soup rn is ALSO painful#i think maybe today is just a bad day lmao#my dad bought some of the rare fresh pizza bases for me and like. thank you i appreciate it if you serve me a pizza right now you will see-#a human doing the best impression of a sea turtle#i need to stop complaining but even my wrists against my desk hurt today like OWWWWWWWWW
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it’s 1.18 am and i can’t sleep bc there’s a thunderstorm and i’m scared of them like a big loser so. don’t hold me accountable for my thoughts and feelings but
#i was just thinking about my day today and how i wrote in the tags after my nap i wanted to maybe go to ikea and so i presented my roommate#with the idea and she said yes ofc i was thinking of doing something too! and so we went to ikea and we got there and they have stairs and#escalators there and she was like ‘what type of day is it?’ nodding at the escalator and i know she prefers the stairs#and i have better and worse days in terms of how much i can do physically before getting winded/dizzy and i haven’t told her it’s been all#bad days lately LMAO bc ahhh i hate worrying people and i have ANOTHER cardiologist appointment next week anyway so no harm done but#the fact that she asks and then goes with me. it catches me so off guard still it’s truly something wondrous to be taken into account#i was really used to being overlooked not among peers but in my everyday family/at home life#and i still can’t believe how easy it feels for her (and my other friends) to take me into account and to just. idk. love me i guess?#i always think i’m impossible to care about on a true level beyond the surface let alone be loved#what a ride life is
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that unfortunate occasion when you're kind of sick and you want to write, but words don't work
#i can think of a story and then the moment i want to write it down my brain just goes nope. not doing that lol enjoy sitting around#it's my last day off work too oof#really wanted to edit a fic today#or maybe write some angst for blanche that i've been thinking of ever since @the-eclectic-wonderer made a blanche post#(thanks for that if you're reading this lmao i have NOT stopped thinking about her!!)#OR edit *another* fic i've been putting off finishing#too bad i guess :')#also very random but somehow i've been beginning to feel like joining twitter again. for precisely this reason#(the reason being the recent need to share every other thought that pops up in my head lmao)#alys.txt
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#.... seeing him monday NDNDNDJJDJFFJJF#personal#with other ppl but still !!!!!!!!#n ive been like. twisting everything in my mind like oh you know maybe he liked someone else n not me. but#theyre not even in the country. and he had previously told me he didnt wanna see any of them again#and so. the logical conclusion is that. hes going. for me NDJJDJDJDJZJZM#I JUST. UNLESS HE REALLY LIKES SUSHI??????#idk im freaking out. ive never got this far. im just NDJJDJDJDJDJD#the past few days..... tellin me his job news.... confiding in me.... now goin to a dinner with ppl he doesnt like.... to see me....#i cant handle it NFJDJJDJDJDJDJDMX#like god this is so weird. i never thought this would happen to me im just NDJJZJZJZJZJDJZJ#hes so cute.....#i hope we get to sit near each other at the dinner NNDNZMZMZMSM#im not gonna overly try. and like with his bad luck JDJDDJMDDJSJSJ idk idk lmao#but...... GOD. he was just some guy with a seagull icon and a name on zoom.... then like he was just some guy that sat near me#then just like a guy i talked to sometimes and now we're friends and i JUST....????? MAYBE GONNA BE MORE???? ITS SO WEIRD. IDK. IDK#i cant believe we're this close. im literally NJDJDJFJXJMXMMM#HHHHHH#i like. ... i also looked at job stuff today. bc u know. i could actually FOCUS. bc i wasnt like. sherlock holmsing whether he liked me or#not bc i think its pretty clear at this point. im just NDJJDJZJZJJZJZJZMSMSMSMSMMZMZ IDK. IDK. ITS SO WEIRD.#I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME#AND WITH HIM???? SO WEIRD. IDK JDNDJJDJDJDJXJ I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED IM JUST. YA. GONNA TRY TO STAY CALM.
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being mad at my parents for events long passed hours
#man my mom used to have my sisters help her pin me down so she could pop all the pimples on my face. bruh that fucking hurt. also.#worst thing you can do for those... i was having age-typical acne and i guess she just didn't like to look at it?? idk.#the acne itself didn't hurt but there was a lot of it so just like. you know how it does indeed hurt to pop those. well there were a lot#and she didn't stop even when i was crying and screaming bc she wasn't done??#and she did it to my back too and some of those grew on nerves and hurt even fucking more#and no she was not using properly sterilized equipment or even fresh washed hands thanks for asking <3 she acted entirely on impulse lol#i mean. i guess she knows its wrong **now** bc she hasn't tried anything similar with my baby sister....???#and shes starting to get acne like i used to have.#idk is that dramatic to be upset about. just imagine being pinched and pricked nonstop for like 2 hours. maybe it wasn't 2 hours.#but also physically restrained too like straight up sat on. is that fucked up.... thats not normal right???#and uh. a few years ago they held me still to shave my armpits with my dad's clippers bc mom is completely convinced#it isn’t possible to be hygenic as a 'woman' with pit hair or anything bc of Pheromones!!! and when i say goddamn fine#i'll just use men's hygiene stuff then she says that won't work bc Pheromones!!!!#like having a slightly different endocrine system makes ppl a different species or something#anyway. i cried just a little bit when they did that <3 gave me razor burn#and after my dad asked like 'is growing that hair out like. important to your identity or something' and.#well i dont know but that fucking hurt and you violated the choice that *eye* was making with *my* body#man i know mom still thinks she never physically abused me bc she didn't ever like. beat me up or anything but. thats abuse right??#she still thinks i was calling her abusive out of fucking nowhere.#sometimes she asks 'when was i ever abusive' and i give her an example and she goes 'well that was JUST BECAUSE--' and like. girl.#you think just bc you can justify it to yourself it wasn't abuse? every abuser can justify it to themselves....#talk tag#man i keep forgetting about how she used to physically restrain me to do her not-dermatologist approved extractions.#i guess it mostly didn't hurt that bad but like. the forcefullness and duration of it. lmao#anyway i found her a late mothers day gift today. its a hairstick with a dragonfly charm#abuse tw#sorry if that triggered anyone b4 i remembered to tag it
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feeling sad :(
#sorry this is such a dumb thing to be sad about im a grown ass adult but like two thirds of the people i invited to my birthday#either cant come or said they would then bailed and like#some of them have legit reasons but some of them i'm kind of like :/ ok well i put in so much effort for yall would be really nice#if a crumb of that was reciprocated#idk i dont ask for much on my birthday i just want to have a nice dinner with my friends#and i have friends who like throw the biggest tantrum fusses about their birthdays and make it this entire spectacle#and people still humour them so it's kind of like#idk#do i really suck that bad that you cant make a saturday evening work to like eat good food#idk maybe next year i just wont plan anything#and everyone'll be like BUT SIMA IT'S THE BIG ONE and i'll be like well! i wish it werent!#bc it'll suck even more to have people not come lmao i dont actually think i've ever had a milestone birthday people just dont give a shit#this includes my parents idk like they are nice to me on my birthday but like no birthday was ever like hashtag special#and like the holidays already sucked so bad this year they did not feel like the holidays half the people i got presents for#didnt get me anything which is like fine i dont give presents to get them back but it kind of sucks to not even get a card? a thank you???#idk this is so stupid i am turning 29 i pay taxes this should not be a big deal#maybe it's bc i feel like half my 20s were pandemic years so it kind of sucks that theyre basically over and idk im just feeling sad and ol#and lonely and just kind of shitty and unlikeable#AND IT'S DUMBBBBB TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST IDK WHY I'M CRYING FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE
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not my first reaction to this information as i learned it during the intermission of challengers (yes i finally went to see it) and i was having a lowkey breakdown through the intermission and the beginning of the second half a little bit but ummm: well of fucking course i literally dont deserve anything
#why did i even try this hard. i dont think i deserve anything tbh#dont mind me sounding dramatic im actually fine like lol#im sad but ok but also like. i got used to being a failure and a disappointment this last year so#i feel very tired now. it wasnt a bad day overall and im happy i decided against going alone today#bc i wouldve literally ended up crying in public if i was alone lmfao#ah. ahhhhh :/ i really really really was hoping for a better outcome#stupid girl as always#anyway i really am fine i just need to be dramatic for a moment. i truly do not deserve anything i get ever im sorry#if anyone read until this point and wondering what the fuck couldve happened that got me like this#well it's truly not that important in the grand scheme of things and im being stupid#got wait listed for another scholarship lmao </3#truly stupid and foolish of me to even think from the start that i could do this lmao#what's even more stupid is im still like well. well 🤠 hey maybe 🤗#i just know im going to be feeling extremely guilty for even existing even if i end up being able to go at this point lmao#and it's so stupid to even write all this. over something like this when people have real problems and stuff lmao#truly what did i think make me worthy of this chance im so not special and dont deserve this etc etc#all this negative self talk and i will still be sleeping like 😴😴😴 still hoping for the best dont worry#and that's because im stupid#🗒#i will drink tea this day has been lacking tea so critically :/
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need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw 😭😭
I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO
#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl#i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads#but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice''#practice is not going to fix the dissociation 😭😭 practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl#it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits#and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot#but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road#i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH.#he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit#and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ????#also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl#and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper#its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ???#ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town#and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times#MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL#im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord#IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING#i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think#so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly#during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone#but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us#so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl#AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM#driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl#after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad#but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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ANOTHER ONE
#my art#dnd oc#friend oc#kairos#getting lots of practice drawing fucked up FREAKS (affectionate) recently#also yes this lovely lady is from the same campaign as bell (zombie boy posted yesterday) and osiris lol#can you tell there's a sort of. death and undeath theme in that campaign#also i did thankfully have some feedback on this one since it's evie's character!! so hopefully somewhat more accurate lol#not entirely pleased with her face for some reason but i still like it#i am reminded of that one graph that shows talent and perception? yknow the one?#where as you grow more skilled there's a point where your perception of your art matches how good it really is#but then your skill doesn't necessarily grow with your perception of it so you start thinking your art is bad again#or that you're getting worse but it's still better than your previous art you're still getting better#idk i think that may be what's going on here lmao#i know this is decent and its much better than anything i was making even just a few months ago#but its still weird in my brain lol#or maybe im not too happy with it because i didnt spend a ton of time on it like i usually do on things like this?#this one took me like. 1 day total from sketch to finished product?#gathered reference images and started the sketch late monday night#did almost the whole thing yesterday and just added finishing touches today#so maybe i just didnt put enough effort into it idk#also also this is my 11th finished piece of the year#which is significant because in the ENTIRETY of last year i only made 11 finished digital art pieces LMAOOO#so in a month and a half i have done what i did in all of 2023 B)#a bit worried that im gonna burn out soon and not make art for a long time again but im feeling fine so far#other than the aforementioned slight displeasure with what im making now#hoping i can continue making good art all year!! or at least having fun making it even if it isn't good lmao
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...
#feelin weird. feelin real weird. in a bad way? no i guess not but more like im a haha wtf is happening here?#like i should maybe track my mood just so i can be like wtf is this? more bc i think its interesting#bc like i mean im spending ~11hrs in the lab and the stress has been real high and ive not been sleeping well#but like currently? i feel like i wanna run a mile. like i wanna run around in circles and scream and laugh until i cry#too much energy. too much energy. but y? where is it coming from? its weird#its like the edge of a headache. the cusp of turning. it doesn't quite feel bad yet but like i woke up at 4#and was insane until 6 when i had to get up and then i was in the lab all day until 6.30#and immediately i went for a run like empty stomach. i need to run now. and i still feel like that. like i need to run and run and run#but like y am i not exhausted? im not even tired? im vibrating#i watched the new successi0n episode twice and im losing my mind abt it#so its weird and i dont understand. but its not bad. it feels out of control like it feels fucked up but im not being like irradic#like if i was standing beside someone i dont think theyd notice. except maybe my sister bc i think if i talked id be noticeable#energetic. idk maybe im just exhausted and brain is pumping me with stress hormones so i csnt stop but i also csnt feel it#but i suspect its something to do with estrogen and progesterone levels changing which isnt great bc ive got a cycle that borders being#concerningly short but like idk rn its fun. im sure itll break and ill split apart but rn everything feels hilarious#its also weird bc im always like: y do i have so much energy after i dont sleep? is not sleeping thr answer. and today i was like hm#maybe i cant sleep bc i have too much energy. hm. idk its not bad. it doesn't feel bad#it just feels interesting and notable so im noting it. weird stuff. hopefully it pulls me thru tomorrow#bc my back fucking hurts lmao and its monday so ppl r back in the lab as i stand around for 11 hours#unrelated
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opens this app, feels isolated, closes it
#leah.txt#i’m going to try scroll for a bit and reblog things but idk being on here is bad lately. i’m very grateful for replies on last post ily guys#a lot but yeah idk i think it’s just i’ve noticed certain people’s behaviour towards me has seemed to change and that makes me paranoid#i guess? or just that i don’t belong again? idk things are weird for me these past two months and having SIX people fuck with me is#ridiculous. actually ridiculous. and unprovoked too is so… ben affleck smoking.jpg#not sure what i’ve done but oh well <3 had a feeling me taking a break would maybe cause some moots on here to just like idk distance from#me but what can you do. cant please everyone. just wanna make friends and consider my moots as such but guess others don’t lmao#edit: said i was gonna scroll but i’m going to bed :) maybe that will fix me :)#panic attack today was bad so idk need a new day. i’ll try write but i’ve been saying that everyday for the past two months and i just can’t#do words rn
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i'm having one hell of a week (today and yesterday really compounded it 10 fold).
#coral yaps#delete later#2023#too many convos#most of which i am just CHEESE GRATERING my brain#i also had god awful allergies today and it gave me a congestion induced massive headache#im just not going to talk to anyone if i don't have to for like a week lmao i'm going to kill someone if i do#if anyone sees this and thinks this is about them. i promise you it's not. it's primarily irl and talking to way too many damn people and#getting really bad social anxiety.#maybe i'll go make myself some tasty instant ramen tomorrow as a treat#and then animate and draw gabe and play ultrakill <3#maybe go watch more fancams <3#self-care is taking a day off from people to calm down my drained anxiety induced brain and go look at my favorite guys
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don't know whether my neighbor meant to be passive aggressive when he mowed HALF my front lawn earlier without saying anything even though the grass wasn't even long since I just mowed 10 days ago but.......... 🤔
#we mow our lawn once a week im slightly late this time cause i work all day then it rains EVERY SINGLE DAY right as i get off work#so i was planning on doing it either today or tomorrow even though its not even that long anyways and theres barely any weeds#but i went out there to do it earlier and half my fucking lawn has been NOTICEABLY mowed#like bro went all the way to my mailbox in the front#and maybe he was just doing a bit extra cause obviously our lawns are connected but#HE WENT ALL THE WAY UP TO THE SIDE OF MY HOUSE SO#THAT'S LIKE 10 FEET AWAY FROM THE PROPERTY LINE. YOU DONT JUST DO THAT FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES#i just finished up the rest but now im like well if he did do it passive aggressively ive just 'given in' to him thinking#my grass was too long !! so now i feel like a stupid idiot GIRL who doesnt know when her grass is too long#EVEN THOUGH IT WASNTTTTTTTTT#i am overthinking and overanalyzing i am aware but the dads on my street intimidate me lmao#im the yard girl of the family so they talk to me when im out there doing yardwork#and now i feel like ive gotten a bad grade in Yard and got scolded or something LMAO#anyways rant over thanks for listening to my lawn gossip#j.txt
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ok update i just finished making my card and i said / drew (lol) basically everything i wanted to say in it (except for the things i definitely can’t say now that this is happening lol). so i think maybe i might be ok with not saying what i want to say directly to her. but then when i say that im not ok with it at all LOLLLL so i think i need to sleep on it and maybe see what tomorrow brings
#purrs#sobbed hysterically writing the message and that was like 4 hrs ago (yeah.) and im still like dizzy and puffy eyed from it. i am not having#a good time lol. and it’s only going to get more intense this whole week and i don’t know if i can handle it. ive been overstimulated /#sleep deprived for like 2 straight days bc yesterday i was doing everything in my power to avoid thinking abt it and today i was doing#everything in mt power TO think abt it including being subjected to things that were hard and ofc the walk being a flop kinda lol. but omg.#mutuals i know it’s so deeply cringe but i have been vagueposting abt my work life since before i even got the fucking job. i know i look#mentally ill about it and i definitely am but my colleagues past and present are my best friends and my number 1 reason to be alive#actually. so this is just. idk. this feels very……. especially when this is someone who was never supposed to leave this suddenly. who i thou#thought i had years and years left with. and it’s just over like that and we have to say goodbye and i know it’s not even that big of a move#but it’s actually killing me. like physically. that this is happening rn. i don’t know what the fuck im going to do. and we aren’t even f#gonna be able to grieve openly at all but we are grieving and she doesn’t even.. like idk. maybe it just hasn’t occurred to her that we are.#but we literally are and its soooooooo bad. it’s so bad. i feel like im having a bad dream every day. i already felt like nothing was real#anymore and this helped abt -50000% with that sensation. like wtf is going on rn. she’s LEAVING. ON FRIDAY. FOREVER. FUCK!#but uh yeah the point is i do want to talk to her and if it was anyone else i would. but when it comes to emotional stuff and being honest#w each other abt how one makes the other feel… we are incompatible im afraid. she doesn’t want to talk abt it and all i want to do is talk b#but im shy and weak so i cave and just do everything in my power to give her what she needs and then i feel shattered for the rest of the#day / week / whatever. it fucking sucks and im not like that w anyone else in my little irl world (except my p*rents ofc LMAO) but it’s like#onmgggggg. can we please just talk abt how it is so painful you are doing this and comfort each other in it somehow. LOL! like i am in so mu#much pain i can’t even speak and she didn’t even look at me when i flicked my eyes over to her during the silences. CRINGE! girl she doesn’t#care about you 😭😭😭😭 except she does. idk. it’s just sooooo. idk. my brain is not right it hasn’t been since i got the news. i think im dying#delete later#OMG ALSO it is now the wee hours of july 26 which means that 3 yrs ago right abt now i did something so very stupid that made me have my#first very bad breakdown ever and it led to me realizing i needed counseling again. so maybe in the spirit of this anniversary i will do#this stupid thing (of asking to talk and then saying what i want to say even though i wrote it out) and then have a very bad breakdown and t#then go to counseling 🥳✌️
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I should. I should probably give N a friend around his age huh.
#like don't get me wrong#the twind and co are great company. literally family#and its not bad that N is friends with people younger than him. thats cool#its just like. maybe he should expand s bit more#i can imagine it being hard for him given his past#and in general him talking to people that don't immediately get his talking patterns and stuff#but i find it cute just him hanging out with other people that isn't the Unova gang or the gym leaders#like i can totally see him coming home on day all cheery and when someone asks whats up he's just like ' i think i made a friend today!'#then he pauses and elaborates ' a human friend'#legendverse#legendverse! n#maybe that friend could be that ex grunt ranger guy#of course the two green haired dudes attuned to nature would be friends lmao#okay that's enough rambling#r rambles
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Being on Tumblr is just like. Going into a fandom tag. Reading like 3 posts. Vowing to not go into that tag again.
Going back into it the next day.
#at least today was uhhhhh. less bad.#honestly kinda funny bc there were so many#''It's so obvious Ship A is canon and not Ship B because of these things.'' - ''Ship B is clearly canon Ship A is not''#One after another#As someone with low to no stakes in either it's just kinda like. lmao. chill.#Like yeah ship whatever and it's always nice to see things that imply your ship#(I still smile over ''Dig in there Mr Spock'' and ''Captain please. Not in front of the Klingons.'' :) )#But you don't need to like. argue against other ships.#Fandom is a playground and y'all are not gonna run out of sand lmao#But god yesterday or the day before was. Oof.#Though also a bit funny bc there were two posts right after another like#''Character A is NOT badly written y'all just suck'' - ''Gosh I wish Character A wasn't so badly written 😭''#from different people obviously but still skfjwkfj#But uhhh yeah I think I should stay out of the tag.#The fandom can be 1 mutual; 1 close friend I spam on Discord; and a few online pals in a Discord thread#... i plan on writing fanfic for it tho and i'm already. curious. whether that'll finally get me hit by fandom drama#I'm usually good at avoiding it but I do not trust this fandom in particular#Also a lotta people in this tag that go ''Their relationship can't be X because clearly no one in X relationship would act like that''#which just made very clear they have probably never experienced said type of relationship lmao#Had to add some tags but I'm done now. maybe this time I'll manage to stay out of the tag skfnskfns#I should before the Shipping Arguments make me dislike the ships I enjoyed or was at least neutral about lmao
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