#i think months later id be fine but whenever these shit came out. i am just so disappointed ya know

[othercrossee]

Need the kind of idgaf attitude kpop idols have after doing something problematic 🥶🥶🥶

[the-modernmary]

my best habit || aaron hotchner x reader (ch. 1)

Summary: When Aaron Hotchner ended your affair with him, saying that a serial killer was going after him and his family, you were content with the idea that you’d probably never see him again. Two years have come and gone since then, but when you get dragged into an FBI investigation as a key witness, you and Hotch are forced to come face to face with all the things left unsaid.

Warnings: n/a

A/N: Thank you for all of the love on the prologue!! like WOW i couldn't have expected that big of a response so THANK YOU!!! As a reminder: I already have the first 17 chapters out on ao3, so I will be updating on here pretty quickly! This takes place two years after the prologue, and this is where the actual storyline starts!

masterlist || read on ao3

Anything you say can and will be held against you

So only say my name

It will be held against you

-Fall Out Boy, “Just One Yesterday”

Present Day- Two Years Later

You tugged at the handcuff that was attaching you to the interrogation table, hoping that if you glared at it enough, it would just go away. One minute, you were at your apartment and getting ready to go out with some of your friends, and the next minute Metro D.C. police were banging on your door, ordering you to go with them, no charges and no explanation.

So now you were just stuck, sitting and waiting for somebody to tell you what the hell this all was about. Law school had taught you enough about interrogation tactics, and they were pulling out all of the stops- turning down the room temperature, forcing you to sit in the most uncomfortable chair you’ve ever been in, and just making you be by yourself in the metal room. A small part of you was nervous, but mostly you were just confused. You couldn’t think of anything you’d done that would warrant your arrest.

Just as the isolation of the room was about to get to you, the door swung open and in walked two people. The first one was a petite blonde woman and following her was a younger looking man in a cardigan. You narrowed your eyes slightly at the site of them. You had expected the usual “good cop/bad cop” technique, but neither of these cops looked very intimidating.

“Hi there,” the woman spoke, sliding into the chair across from you. “My name is Agent Jareau and this is Dr. Reid. We’re here to ask you a few questions.”

Her name sounded familiar, but you couldn’t quite place where you knew it from. You raised an eyebrow and jutted your head towards Dr. Reid. “Is the handsome one not an agent?” you asked, leaning back in your chair.

Dr. Reid seemed unphased by your question, as if he was used to that question. “I am an agent. But I also have three doctorates,” he answered.

You just smirked at him before looking back at Agent Jareau. She had placed a file on the table, the seal of the FBI practically staring you in the face. Whatever they brought you in for was an FBI matter? Oh, you were definitely screwed. You tried to keep your cool. “So are you guys going to actually charge me with anything, or are you just going to hold me for 72 hours until you find something to stick?” you accused.

Agent Jareau shook her head, and you were still desperately trying to remember how you knew that name. “The faster you cooperate, the faster we can let you go.” It didn’t go unnoticed to you that she refused to answer your question. She leaned over the table slightly to slide the file towards you and you caught a glimpse of her ID. Everything came back to you at once.

Jennifer Jareau. FBI. Business cards. “You can set up a formal meeting with me at the BAU…” Holy shit, you did know that name.

You laughed softly to yourself and crossed your legs as the memories came flooding back. “Okay, I’ll cooperate,” you agreed, but you were looking directly at the two way mirror. “But only if I can speak to your unit chief. It still is Aaron Hotchner, correct?” Your voice was innocent enough to not be too suspicious, but you knew it would drive Aaron crazy. It was the same voice you would use when he had a fistfull of your hair and you were promising to be his good girl.

You could only imagine what was going on behind that two way mirror; Aaron’s team looking at him with complete and utter confusion, trying to figure out how you knew him, all while Aaron was probably clenching his teeth, red with anger. Maybe if you made him mad enough, he would bend you over the interrogation table once everybody else had left.

Jennifer and Dr. Reid shared a quick glance before looking back at you. Dr. Reid spoke first. “It would be best if we could go over our questions with you first.”

You bopped your head, pretending to think it over. “I get it, the two of you have a job to do and you have a strategy to stay in control, so I’ll give you guys a choice. You can let me speak to Agent Hotchner or I lawyer up and invoke the 5th.”

Like clockwork, the door swung open violently and Aaron stormed in. “I’ll take it from here,” he ordered, and the other two agents quickly shuffled out of the room.

He sat down in the seat across from you and you just raised the hand that was handcuffed to the table, wiggling your fingers. He was pissed, you could tell, and you loved every second of it. You leaned over the table, signalling for him to move closer to you. He hesitated, which earned him a roll of your eyes, but he eventually leaned over the table too.

“If you wanted me in handcuffs again for you, you didn’t have to go through all this effort. My phone number hasn’t changed,” you whispered, low enough so that the group watching on the other side of the mirror couldn’t hear. He refused to answer and instead just pulled back to his normal seated position. Ever the good agent, Aaron’s face went back to it’s normal, stoic look, and it made you pout. You wanted to get more of a rise out of him.

“Miss. Y/L/N,” he said cooly. “Why don’t we get started?” You realized with a sinking feeling that he was already starting to lose interest in you flirting, his attention focused back on the task at hand, attention that you selfishly wanted all to yourself.

You slipped off the heels you were wearing and stretched your leg out so that your foot could brush against his leg. If you couldn’t touch him with your hands right now, you were going to make sure he could feel you in some way. His eyes shot up to yours, giving you a warning look, as if to say “Stop right now or I’m going to make you.”

You knew that look too well, craved for it even. You just responded with a smirk and dropped your foot, relishing in the fact that he actually looked slightly disappointed that you stopped.

“How are Haley and Jack doing, Aaron?” you asked lazily, leaning back in your chair. “Visiting them more often?”

Aaron cleared his throat and ran his hand down his tie to flatten it, as if it had come out of place. He was always so put together at work. “Jack is fine. Haley passed away a while ago,” he said quickly, and guilt immediately engulfed you.

You lowered your gaze so that you were staring at the interrogation table. “Oh,” you mumbled. “I’m sorry.” And you really were sorry. Sure, your relationship, or lack of relationship, with Haley was weird. You were sleeping with her ex before the divorce papers had time to be fully submitted, and even though Aaron was well in his right to be with whoever he wanted, the two of you still found yourselves sneaking around with each other. But you never had anything against her personally- she seemed like a great mother and obviously made Aaron happy for however long they were married.

Besides, you could take a guess as to what happened to Haley. Your fling with Aaron lasted for a fun few months, neither of you ever expecting anything other than sex whenever you met up, so when you and Aaron had decided to stop seeing each other, it was completely amicable. He had explained that the BAU was closing in on a serial killer who was going after him and his family, and you did not want to be involved in that mess. The fact that Haley died right as a serial killer was chasing her… that definitely wasn’t just a coincidence.

The tension was thick in the room as the two of you desperately searched for how to continue the conversation. What were you supposed to say after finding out your fuck buddy’s ex wife was murdered?

You started talking before your brain could even process what you were saying. “Well, like told you, if you ever need somebody to help you pick up those broken pieces...”

He ignored you, electing to direct the conversation in his own direction. “You know, I read the paper you were working on,” he said casually, and that sure caught you by surprise.

“You did?” you asked.

“You piqued my interest,” he admitted. “Your professor and I worked on a few cases together, so he gave me a copy. It was good. You are much more professional on paper.”

“I could say the same about you,” you countered, and he gave you a hint of a genuine smile.

“Although I did notice that you didn’t mention The People vs. Michaelson anywhere in it.” There was something in his voice that put you on edge. You could feel yourself walking into his trap, but you couldn’t help yourself. You wanted to know more.

You shrugged. “Well, I got some shit information about the case.”

For a split second, you thought you saw a flash of the old Aaron, but just as quickly as it came, it disappeared, and he was business as usual. “What intrigued me even more, however,” he continued, completely ignoring your previous comment. “Was that you didn’t mention recidivism at all, which is what that case is all about. Your thesis was on jury selection. Why ask me about the case if you weren’t going to use the information for school?”

You glared at him and clenched your hands into fists, your nails digging into your palms. What a dick. He knew why you were interested in the case- it mirrored your father’s situation almost perfectly. You were 12 the first time your father was arrested. When your mom realized that your dad was involved with some shady people, she immediately turned him into the cops to protect you. The prosecutor barely even tried during the case and your dad was in and out of prison within two years. The day he was released, he came right back to your home and killed your mom out of revenge. He’s now rotting in a max security prison for life, but you were still angry that he even had the opportunity to come after your mom. It’s why you wanted to become a prosecutor in the first place, so that you could ensure these criminals were actually brought to justice.

Aaron knew all that. You realized as he began to inch the case file closer to you that he was just trying to knock you off balance. The actual interrogation hadn’t even started yet. “And you say that I’m the one who gets under people’s skin,” you snapped at him.

Aaron humed to himself, arrogance oozing off of him. If you weren’t so angry at him, you would have thought it was hot. “You’re currently interning at DuPont and Associates?” You nodded, annoyed at him brushing off your last comment. “What do you know about the recent string of murders in the area?” Aaron asked.

Your eyebrows furrowed at his question. “Um… Just what they’re saying on the news? Somebody has been killing a bunch of people whose cases were dismissed because of technicalities- their Miranda rights were read incorrectly and that kind of stuff. I haven’t really been keeping up,” you admitted, still unsure of why you were there.

Aaron flipped open the case files, and instead of gruesome crime scene photos, you just saw legal briefs. More shocking, however, was that they were all legal briefs you had helped write. “Each of these victims had their initial cases through duPont and Associates, and we found that you were the only person who assisted on every case. What did you think about those dismissals? Some of these people really should have been locked up, wouldn’t you agree?”

Your mouth opened and closed as you tried desperately to find the words to say. Unconsciously, you started to tug at the handcuff again, as if they would suddenly just release you if you fought it enough. “Maybe, but that’s not really my decision,” you said disdainfully. Then the fear and realization slowly creeped into you. “Wait you don’t… you guys don’t think I did this, do you?” Your voice was rough and panicky.

Aaron placed his hands on the cold metal of the interrogation table, his fingers interlocked. His FBI Unit Chief exterior melted away ever so slightly. “No, I don’t,” he said softly, and his use of “I” instead of “We” did not go unnoticed by you. You weren’t sure if you were comforted by that or not. “But you are our best lead right now, and I think you know more than you realize. We have reason to believe that the unsub works for the law firm you’re interning at and is playing out a vigilante fantasy and considering you are the only one who actually worked on every single case, we need to use you and your position at the firm to get more intel.”

We need to use you. He realized his slip before he even finished his sentence. It was innocuous enough that his team probably didn’t even notice it; He was just letting a potential witness know that they were going to be an important part of the investigation. But you knew Aaron better than that, and you could see the wheels turning in his brain as he tried to figure out how to go back on what he just said.

You gave him a smirk and brought your elbows up on the table, steepling your fingers. Of course you were going to help them, whatever they needed. You’d do that even if Aaron wasn’t involved. But after being forcibly brought to the interrogation room, you figured you could make him sweat a little. “Oh Aaron, I’m flattered that you think I could be an asset to the BAU’s investigation. But if you want something from me, you’re going to have to ask for it.”

You got him right where you wanted him. You knew he wasn’t going to be happy with the roll reversal, using his own words against him. But you missed the playful banter between you and Aaron, and nobody knew how to get you off the way he did. Aaron had quite literally ruined sex for you, much to your disappointment. The other people you had slept with since meeting Aaron all lacked the confidence and intelligence that Aaron brought to every meeting, and they could never walk that fine line of fucking you like they adored you and hated you at the same time.

The way that Aaron would demand you to ask and use your words was more than just a way for him to remain in control, although you knew that was definitely part of it. And it was more than just checking for consent- that always came earlier and you had your safeword. No, it was more than all of that. He wanted to hear you beg for the things you wanted, as if he wanted to be validated; He always wanted to know that you still wanted him, which you did. So you just kept asking him for things, and he happily kept giving them to you.

Aaron looked downright murderous, his eyebrows scrunched together and his breathing getting heavier. He stood up and slammed the case file shut. “I’m not going to ask for anything, because where I’m standing, I have the control here. In case you forgot, you’re in handcuffs and I can walk out of here whenever I want.” But even as he said it, he stayed exactly where he was, his hands on the table and leaning down so that he was closer to you.

In return, you just arched your eyebrow at him, waiting for his question. He had to ask you for the sake of his job and the case and you both knew it, and you got a strange satisfaction from watching him have to ask you for something for once. He stared at you for a few moments, jaw clenching, until he realized the entire BAU team was behind the two way mirror watching this situation go down. “Will you please help us with the case?” he asked through gritted teeth.

You gave him a smug smile, which only served to irritate him further. “I would love to,” you told him, your voice too sweet and too innocent. “Now can you please take my handcuffs off?”

Aaron walked towards you wordlessly, taking the keys out of his pockets. “You’ll still have to wait here for a few minutes so that you can sign some papers,” he told you, keeping his voice even, but it all changed as he kneeled next to you, slowly unlocking the handcuffs. His fingers lingered on your skin for far too long to be considered appropriate. “Don’t get too comfortable,” he whispered in your ear, voice low enough so that nobody could hear what he was saying. “You’re going to be in handcuffs for the rest of night while I punish you for that little show you decided to give everybody. Did you already forget how to not be a brat? Do I have to teach you again?”

His words made your arousal shoot straight to your core. You were released with a soft click! and you rubbed your irritated wrist lightly. “Yes,” you practically moaned, and you were sure that your face was flushed. And just like that, it was as if only a few days had passed since you and Aaron had last seen each other, instead of two years. The two of you fell back into an easy rhythm. “I still live in the same apartment. Five minutes from here.”

With that, Aaron stormed out of the interrogation room, already barking orders at the cops. “Get her processed and out of here quickly, I don’t want to spend anymore time on this,” he demanded, making a beeline to grab his stuff. Unfortunately for him, Rossi was standing right in front of Aaron’s bag, a knowing smirk on his face. Aaron stopped mid step and groaned in annoyance. “Dave, don’t.”

Rossi just ignored him. “Old friend?” he asked, stepping aside just enough to let Aaron grab his bag.

Aaron looked around quickly and was relieved to see that there were no other BAU members near them. “You could say that,” Aaron mumbled and started to walk to the doors.

To his dismay, Rossi just followed him. “She’s pretty,” Rossi hummed, and Aaron hated how easily Rossi was able to keep this conversation so casual. “Not your usual type, though.” It didn’t take a profiler to get the underlying comment: She’s young.

Aaron took an audible breath, keeping his eyes on the exit sign that seemed to be getting further and further away. “Yeah, well…” His voice trailed off, unable to find a good response.

“When did you meet her?”

Aaron paused, deciding how honest he was going to be. He figured that if anybody was going to find out, it would be Rossi, and if he was honest with Rossi now, they would be able to keep it a secret from the rest of the team. He cleared his throat. “An alumni event at George Washington. Before Foyet but after the divorce.” Another pause. “Right after the divorce,” he clarified.

Rossi just nodded understandably, a soft “Ah” coming from his lips. He would push the full story out of Aaron later, but it was obvious that Aaron was just desperate to get out of the police station. “Okay, well... I will let the team know about your emergency meeting with Strauss that she just called, which is why you’re leaving so quickly. And if they ask, from what you’re telling me, Y/N is just one of Sean’s old friends from before he dropped out of law school. I’m pretty sure you never got along with his friends, am I correct?” Sometimes, Rossi was too good at thinking on his feet.

Aaron turned to face Rossi, his mouth open and ready to argue, but he knew there was no point. With Rossi’s lie, it would keep the team from asking too many questions, at least until Aaron got his need for you out of his system. Just one night, he promised himself. That’s all I’ll need. So instead of arguing, Hotch just nodded at Rossi, a hint of a smile on his face. It made it all worth it, in Rossi’s eyes. Aaron hadn’t been this excited about a girl since Haley’s death. He deserved a night of fun. “Thank you,” Aaron breathed before swiftly stepping out of the police station.

[emu-lumberjack]

Don’t Answer the Phone Tired pt.1

It's been a long week for Damian and Marinette, between fighting Akuma's as Robin and Ladybug then dealing with Liela all day. Both are thoroughly exhausted so who can blame him for not checking caller ID?

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ok so this one does have a planned sequel, but I’m gonna work on the follow up to A Quick Meeting first. Again thank you @ozmav for the inspiration from your Maribat au. I love playing around with it, I also am posting all my stories to my Ao3 account, the unoriginal name of Emu_Lumberjack if you want to read it over there too.

Read part 2 here

Read part 3 here

Read Part 4 here

Read part 5 here

It had been a long week and all Damian wanted to do was go to sleep curled up with his angel of a girlfriend Marinette. They had been dating for months, she had asked him out about a month after he came to Paris. Two days after she found out he was Robin and he found out she was Ladybug. He hadn’t told his family yet, afterall who knows what Grayson would do if he found out he was dating Marinette Dupain-Cheng. The MDC, Jagged stone’s personal designer among many of her other accomplishments. The duo were sitting on the deck outside Marinette's room, they had planned to watch a movie on his phone but fifteen minutes in and she was snoring softly curled up next to Damian with his arm around her shoulder. Her blue-black hair had been freed from it’s twintails, Damian brushed some stray hairs out of her face. It had been a long week for her especially.

They had been working with the Miracle team: Chat Noir, Ryuko, and Viperion because Hawk Moth was creating more akumas than he had before and they were up almost every night. Then for Marinette, Damian, and Adrien dealing with Lila and the class was a waking nightmare. It had been two years since Lila came to Paris, and the hate she seeded against Marinette had only grown. Marinette dealt with online harassment from her former classmates and whenever they saw her at school they would throw paper or pencils at her.

Damian was well aware of how is angel was treated and the only reason he hadn’t pulled the “Wayne” card was because Marinette insisted she could handle it herself, what she did as ladybug made him certain she could handle the asshats herself, it didn’t mean he didn’t want to protect her though. Especially after days like today.

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Lila had started a new lie, saying she was best friends with the Waynes and actually was looking to ask out Tim the second youngest, but was scared because they were childhood friends and she didn’t want to ruin the relationship. Damian could not fathom why someone would make up such a blatantly false lie, or why someone would want to date Drake. He was just about to march over there and smack her with enough lawsuits to bury her for over a year, until Marinette put her calloused hand in his and shook her head no.

“Marinette whats wrong?” Lila asked, innocent as a storm cloud.

“Nothings wrong, Lila.” Marinette responded quietly

“Really because it looked like Damian had to hold you back there. Wait, are you jealous of me? Really Marinette I would expect more of you, some of us are just lucky enough to have connections.” Bitch Damian thought. Usually he wasn’t one to call women names, only using them for his mother, but Lila was the exception.

“Lila I could seriously care less about who you do or don’t know. I’m happy with Damian and my sewing work.” Marinette had regained some of her confidence and Damian could see the fire in her eyes, the one usually gone when she was around Lila.

Alya came up behind Lila and loudly proclaimed, “Oh. My. God. Marinette come on! What is it with you and being jealous of Lila first it was with Adrien,” Marinette scoffed, “now with Tim?” Alya was the one who hurt Marinette the most when she joined with Lila, but now Marinette realized just how toxic the faux reporter had been. Dragging her around, not listening when she said no, and refusing to look at the facts.

“Alya I’m not jealous, and I’d like to remind you Adrien and I are like siblings now.” Marinette turned to leave when Alya put a hand on her shoulder stopping her.

“Why are you leaving. We’re not done here.” A sneer crossed the girl's face.

“Alya, please take your hand off of my shoulder. I’m leaving because it’s lunch break and I said I’d meet up with Kagami and Luka.” Her voice was calm and cool, no hint of warmth for the person she once considered a sister.

Alya removed her hand, only to shove it back pushing the Bluenette to the ground. Damian lost it. Within seconds he was in between the two girls and seconds later had Alya pinned to the cold cement.

“If you ever. Ever. touch her again I will bury you.” He said loud enough for her ears only. Fast as he had attacked he got up and went over to Marinette. “Angel are you ok? How can I help.” The fire that was just in his eyes changed to concern.

“I’m fine Damian, let's just go.” Marinette was hiding her eyes from the rest of the crowd, because even though she said she was fine there were still small tears threatening to become a torrential downpour if she wasn’t careful. That's when the akuma alarm began. “Anyway I think we have an akuma to fight.”

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The obnoxious Hamster Dance song was what woke Damian up from his dream. Marinette was still asleep next to him, bleary eyed he looked at his phone. Who the hell would be calling at this hour he thought. Swiping right he answered the call with a brisk “What the fuck do you want.”

“Good to hear from you, kid.” Oh. Shit. Damian woke up as if Alfred had dumped ice water on him, because on the other end was Richard Grayson. Grayson who was the biggest gossip of any of his siblings, his siblings who didn’t know about Marinette. “Wait. Hold up. Is that a girl next to you?” Grayson asked, acting innocent but the laughter in his eyes told Damian all he needed to know about what was going inside the eldest Wayne’s head.

“Grayson I do not have a girlfriend.” Damian’s face grew red.

“Bullshit.” A soft voice came out next to him. So Marinette’s not as asleep as she seems.

“Ohhhhhh! I cannot wait to tell Tim, and Jason, and,” he paused, “oh my gosh the girls are gonna have a field day…” Dick kept going on as Damian tried to sputter out sentences in rebuttal. Marinette now fully awake was shaking with laughter next to him. Finally after a solid three minutes Damian finally was able to sputter out a sentence, “I. Am. Going. To. kill. you.” Grayson just started laughing and Marinette smiled at him. Even when he was threatening death he was cute, it didn’t hurt that his bed head was adorable. With a few more scattered insults in Romani Damian turned off the chat.

“Well Angel it looks like we’re going to face a worse danger than any Hawkmoth could throw our way.” He said solemnly.

“Oh really? And what's that?” she asked sweetly

“My brothers.”

[levis-hazelnut]

Summary: when you and your best friend, Hanji, were younger, you had made up stories about your dream guys - what they would look like and how you would meet. What happens when the one you had made up appears to be real?

Warning(s): I don’t think there are any in this chapter. But, please do tell me if there are any.

Taglist (closed!): @castellandiangelo

Status: completed!

part 3 > part 4 > part 5

series masterlist

My elbow was propped up on the table with my head in my palm as I flicked around the fruit in my bowl with a fork. I was home alone since Hanji went out somewhere and I had nothing to do. Yeah, the weather was pleasant but I didn't feel like going out even though it's a Saturday. I just wanted to roll myself into a ball in a corner and slowly die. What's the reason for my misery? Well, you probably don't even care, but I'll tell you anyway. So, you know how I told Petra that she can take away my Levi, yes, he's my Levi. Whatever. So, of course, since I'm such a great friend, I started to try and get them to hang out more and more, while I tried to fight away my feelings. The feelings that try and consume me every time I see that stupidly sexy face of his.

 Before I start fantasising about him, I'll carry on... So, they seem to get along well since Levi prefers normal people, unlike myself and my other friends. He still hangs out with me, but just not as much as before and I truly think he's catching feelings for her. Oh, I should also mention that this has been going on for three months so it's definitely possible for that to happen. Like I basically fell in love with him as soon as I saw him. Well, who cares about me and my feelings? I know Levi doesn't (well, he tries to care for me but I push him away as the idiot I am).

And that's essentially the reason why I want to die in a corner. They both better thank me when they get together otherwise I will straight up trash every single one of their dates. I'm an idiot. I'm stupid. I'm a poor excuse of-- "You aren't an idiot, you're a weirdo. Don't forget that." Tch. His dumb voice is trying to slither into my brain. Can't I at least finish my self-loathe session? So inconsiderate. "Ugh, why am I annoyed at him for something I caused? I'm truly a horrible being," I muttered to no one in particular before groaning when I reached for my phone that buzzed in my ears. "What?" I spat when I answered, not even reading the caller ID. "Good afternoon to you, too, darlin'. What's wrong with you?" Oh, it's my favourite person ever... "What do you want, Ackerman?" I asked with a bitter tone. "First of all, I want an explanation." "For what?" "Why are you acting like this? You've been moping around for the past couple of fucking months. What's going on?" "... Nothing. What's the other thing you want?" "I haven't gotten an explanation yet." "Levi, please, just forget about it." My tone showed that I just wanted to end this conversation as soon as possible. I heard a sigh before hushed words sounded. "(Y/N), I'm going to come to your apartment and hold you at gunpoint if you don't tell me." "Sure, do whatever, but I'm still not going to tell you." "You're fucking crazy." Yeah, I know. That's why you prefer Petra over me, I thought. "I know. Can you leave me alone now?" "... The other thing I wanted to ask is if I could come over later." "Why? Are you actually going to hold me at gunpoint?" I asked sarcastically. Another sigh sounded. "We've barely hung out recently and it sounds like you're going to start crying any moment, so I'll come and keep you company. Also, we have that assignment to do." Why do you have to be such a softy? Just when I was getting annoyed with you, you decide to be a Prince Charming. "Fine. What time are you coming?" "Is three fine?" I glanced at the time and saw that it was already two o'clock. "Yep. I'll see you later." "Bye." ~/~ Levi and I sat at the small, round dining table with both of our laptops open as we worked on the assignment together. We let Lo-Fi play quietly as background noise and we often spoke - either to distract ourselves from the boring shit we were doing, or to help each other. As he said, Levi had a come a few minutes before three o'clock and after trying to get me to tell what happened, he decided it was futile and suggested we start working. Since I had nothing else to do apart from dying, I agreed.

As he cleared the table and put his things on the surface, I got whatever snacks we had and placed them in the middle of the table. I also made Levi a tea and myself - a coffee before we sat down and started. I wasn't really in the mood for anyone. I didn't even want Levi to be here when he first arrived, but now I don't mind since he gives me good company. After about an hour, Levi suddenly decided to get up so I averted my eyes from the laptop screen to question what was wrong.

And his answer?

Girl, get ready for this. You're going to burst into tears for me. "... I'm going on a date with Petra." There it is. The reason why I wanted to just breakdown and die in a hole. Levi is going on a fucking date with Petra. Levi is going on a fucking date with Petra. Levi is going on a fucking date with Petra. Levi is going on a fucking date with Petra. Levi is going on a fucking date with Petra. Those words kept on repeating in my mind like some kind of incantation as he packed his things away and slipped his jacket on before grabbing his phone. Soon, I knocked out of my trance and looked up at him before standing up. "... Petra?" "I asked her out yesterday." "You did?" I squeaked out, assuming that Petra would have been the one to ask him out. "Yeah. Anyway, I'll see you on Monday." "Okay. Bye." Being a good host, I walked him to the door and waited for him to put his shoes on before closing the door once he left. (Y/N), don't cry. Don't cry. Do not cry. He's just a boy... A boy that's a damn Adonis, and has hair I want to tangle my fingers in, and eyes I could stare into all day, and a nose that's just so boopable, and a jaw that could slice me, and lips that I wish I could feel on mine, and a body that looks better than any athlete... Yeah, he's just a boy... that I'm going to fall in love with. Hey, does anyone know a good suicide method that leads to certain death? No? Okay. ~/~ "(Y/N)? Are you home?" "... Yes," I muttered as I laid on the soft carpet in the living room with my cheek pressed against it. "Why are you... on the floor?" Hanji inquired with clear confusion written on her face. "I need help: I want to cry, but my eyes won't even fucking water. I want to die, but I still have a long life ahead of me. I want to sleep, but I'm not even tired. I want to--" "Okay, okay. What's going on?" my bestie questioned and crouched down. "Why are you like this?" I turned my face so it could hide in the carpet. I don't care if I would get spots from stuffing my face in it, I just needed something to comfort me and this was my solution. "Levi and Petra are going on a date today," I spoke into the material and I could almost imagine Hanji's shocked face. You see, I never told her about my stupid promise. "Sorry?" "Levi, aka the love of my life, asked Petra out yesterday.." "Oh, (Y/N)..." I could hear the pity in her voice. "How did this happen?" "Because of my dumb ass." I explained the rest of the story to Hanji, though my words were muffled since I was still giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to the rug. But I know she heard every single word I said. "You know I would never say this to you, but you're a fucking idiot." "Yeah, I know." "You aren't an idiot, you're a weirdo. Don't forget that." "Tch. I can't even stop thinking about him and his shitty words," I mumbled, making sure that my words were inaudible to Hanji since she would ask what I was going on about. "You should've asked him out." "But that would've looked bad after I told Petra I'd help her." "Well, I don't know why you didn't ask him out before. It's already been five months since he first came, and you haven't done anything." "The first month, Eren didn't let me. And the second month is when Petra asked me to help her, so I couldn't do anything for the other three months." "Okay... Petra is a sweet girl with a kind heart, and she deserves someone to make her happy. But, you've basically been married to him since you were thirteen, or however old we were when we made him up. You can't let others take him away from you. I'm sorry, (Y/N), but you truly are an idiot." "I understand that, Hanji. Don't make me hate myself more than I already do." "So, what do you plan to do now?" "I don't know," I sighed before finally sitting up, cross-legged on the floor. "I can't really do anything about it... Hanji, what if they end up getting married?" "... It's only one date. And it may lead to many others, but we never know if they'll get that far." I huffed once again and stared at the ground. Tears still wouldn't fall. And a couple of hours later, I found the kind of comfort I needed. I didn't need words, I just needed warmth in the arms of someone that cares about me and loves me. My face was buried in the crook of Eren's neck as his arms tightened around my form as we laid down on the sofa. I rested on top of him as he tucked my head under his chin and fiddled with my hair.

No words were spoken, none were needed. And he knew that whenever I felt better, I would tell him what happened. But, for now, he would hold me and comfort me. I seriously don't know what I would do without him. He's always been there for me (if Hanji was unable to) and he always manages to get me back to my normal self. But who knows if it will work this time? We stayed in that position for maybe just less than an hour before I sat up and drifted my fingers through my hair with a heavy sigh. Eren also sat up and I could see him looking at me from my peripheral vision, so I turned to face him. "Are you going to tell me what happened?" "... Yeah...” I sighed before explaining everything to him. "... Oh," was all that came out of his mouth before he embraced me once more. "What do I do?" I whispered, and anyone would be able to hear the obvious pain in my voice. "I'm sorry, but I don't know, (Y/N). Just distract yourself. Moping around won't do anything." "I know. But I don't even feel like going anywhere. Or doing anything." "Come on. Don't just dwell on it, do something to take it off your mind. Have a shower, or sleep, or anything to help you." "Hanji's in the shower. I'm not tired. I don't know what else I could do." "(Y/N), I don't like seeing you like this," Eren muttered and gripped my shoulders to pull me away from the embrace. "It's one guy--" "Yeah, one guy that happened to be someone me and Hanji made up. And he happened to like someone else." "Well, why did you make up someone so attractive?" "Eren, this is not my fault, so shut up. How the hell was I supposed to know that he was going to be real?" He bit back a chuckle. "Sorry." "... Please tell me what's so funny?" "You're just adorable when you're angry. Well, when you aren't angry with me." I huffed and flopped back against the cushion of the sofa, hoping it could suck me in. ~/~ On the way to university, I stopped by my favourite cafe and grabbed a coffee before continuing my journey. Wondering why I'm not rushing or tired? Well, that's because my first lecture is at two o'clock so I had the right amount of sleep, and didn't have to force myself to get out of bed or rush. However, I wasn't looking forward to going since two people are going to be there, and I don't feel interacting with them. If you haven't guessed who I'm talking about, the two people are Levi and Petra. As I wandered through the building to get to the lecture hall, I spotted Petra talking to Historia and decided to walk in a different direction. When I turned around, taking a sip of my coffee, I bumped into someone which caused me to choke on the beverage. I patted my chest as I coughed before silencing and looking at the person I accidentally collided against. Of all people... "Hey, darlin'." "You sure you still want to call me that now even though you have a girlfriend?" I muttered and he lifted an eyebrow my way. "Why do you look so confused? Have you already forgotten about Petra?" "Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. You're still in a bad mood?" "Yeah, I am. And don't even think about questioning me about it. I have a lecture to go to." "Hold up." He took hold of my forearm and I tried yanking myself out of his grip but it was futile. His grip was strong, but it wasn't painful. "We still have five minutes until we have to be there." "... So? Don't you think I should be early for once?" "Fine. But let's walk together--" "Levi!" Oh, I knew exactly whose voice that belonged to. Why am I annoyed at her? She didn't do anything wrong. I need to stop blaming others for the things I caused. "Hi, Levi!" Petra beamed and she pecked his cheek as I slowly felt the raven's grip on me loosen, allowing me to free myself. "Hi, (Y/N)." "Hey," I smiled. Damn, my smile was more fake than propaganda. "I heard you went on a date with Levi. How was it?" I asked, shooting a glance to the male to see that his eyes were on me. "I'm going to borrow your girlfriend for a second." "Sure," he replied as Petra walked beside me, going through random corridors as we spoke. "So, where did you go?" "Well, we went to the cinema first, and then, a small restaurant." "Did he initiate anything?" I smirked, trying to be a teenager that loves gossip. "Um... He gave me a small kiss on the lips when he dropped me home. It was very brief though, almost like a peck." "That's great! That obviously means he had a great time. Did you have fun?" "Yes. Thank you so much, (Y/N). I owe you so much." "Oh, no, it's fine. It's just a favour for an awesome friend." She smiled at me as we made our way back to Levi, finding him standing in the exact same spot. He noticed the smile on my lips but didn't say anything when Petra told him that she has to head to her next lecture. She waved at both of us as I started walking. "(Y/N)?" "What?" I said with exasperation. "Where's that smile gone?" "Levi," I started and turned around to face him. "You don't understand how much I'm trying to stay calm right now. But if you ask me one more question, you'll regret it. All you need to know is that I'm going through something and I don't want to talk about it at all." He simply sighed and nodded as we proceeded to go to our lecture in silence. When I walked in after Levi, I felt someone tousle my hair so I turned around to see Jean, who winked at me. Oh, yeah, I also didn't speak to Jean about getting over me and whatever-whatever. I'm only human, okay? I can't deal with so many things when I have so much on my mind. "Hey, babe." "I already told you not to call me that millions of times." "What's wrong with you?" 3... 2... 1... and... "I've had enough of this... Everyone can just take their fucking noses out of my fucking business! It has nothing to do with you and I have no intention of sharing it with you! Just leave me alone, you fucking assholes!" There it is. The eruption. I barged past Jean and stormed down the corridor as I heard Levi and Jean call me. For fuck's sake. What part of my outburst did they not understand? I do not wish to talk about it and I don't want them commenting on my mood. Just let me be. I slammed the door of the bathroom open, frightening someone I paid no attention to as I leaned against the wall of the bathroom and gazed at the floor. I didn't care about hygiene right now, I just needed some space. "(Y/N)?" I guess I won't be having that, I thought before I looked up to find Hanji there. Gosh, I was so grateful to see her, so I threw myself at her. "What happened? Don't you have a lecture right now?" "Yeah, I do. But people are just pissing me off," I spoke into her chest and I felt her hand pat my back. I parted from the hug and she looked at me questioningly. So, obviously I told her what happened earlier. It wasn't anything big, but I just needed to vent. "(Y/N), you've looked so hurt the past couple of days, or even the past couple of months, and I hate to see you like this. You either cut off ties with both of them or try and keep your feelings away." "I can't do either of those." "Then, you won't be able to fix yourself. Get over the fact that Levi has a potential girlfriend, who is not you. We never know what's in the future so suck it up and be a man,” she said. I fought back a smile that tried to etch onto my lips before giving up and letting it spread across my face. Hanji grinned because she saw I was in a better mood. "Now, get back to your lecture. Who's your professor for this lecture?" "Mike." "Oh, he won't care if you walk in late. Go." I was about to leave, but I looked back and gave Hanji another smile. "Thank you, Hanji." "No problem!" I entered the lecture hall, avoiding the stares from Jean and Levi as I went to sit next to Historia, who grinned up at me. I gave a smile in return and paid attention to the lecture straight away, not wanting any distractions. I kept any negative thoughts out of my mind and focused on my education. Both males that I shouted at didn't try to speak to me for the rest of the day and I was glad about that because when I shouted at them earlier, that was just me getting a little angry. So, if they attempted to talk to me, I would literally explode and say things that shouldn't be repeated. Now, I was at home with Hanji, talking about crap I was barely paying attention to. "(Y/N)...? (Y/N)?" the brunette called. "(Y/N)!" "Hm...? Oh, sorry." "What's up?" "... I kind of feel bad for shouting at Jean and Levi when they were simply caring for me. But, I'm also still pissed at them for nagging me. And I'm not over the fact that Levi and Petra are dating. Also, I haven't spoken to Jean about the whole moving on thing--" "Stop. You need to forget about everything, it's affecting your mood and your thoughts, and you barely concentrate on anything. If you keep this going, you're only going to get worse." "Hanji... I'm trying. No matter what I'm doing, these thoughts always consume me." "Well, talk to Jean. At least you'll have one less thing to fret about." "Uh, I think I'll wait for him to talk to me because I can't just bring it up out of nowhere after shouting at him." "Okay. Also, just apologise to both of them. Then, all that's going to be on your mind is Levi and Petra," she smiled before her expression contorted into something that seemed as if she was deep in her thoughts. "However, that's the biggest of your problems," she muttered and tapped her chin with an index finger as she stared at the ceiling. "I'll do the other two things, and try and do something about the Levi and Petra thing... Of course, I'm not going to break them up or anything," I quickly added when her eyes slightly widened. "I guess I'm just going to be happy for them, and then be even happier if they ever break up. I sound like such a bitch, but I can't help it." "Be whatever you want, just don't be an idiot and get yourself into another mess like this again." "No promises~" I sang with a smirk. So far, ever since Levi appeared, my life has been nothing but a mess. I don't know if that will ever change, but hey, I can only hope for the best.

[violetnotez]

SHE IS HERE. PART TWO. BY EXTREMELY POPULAR AND LATE DEMAND!!!!

This fic. THIS FIC RIGHT HERE. HAS BEEN FIGHTING SO HARD I AM DONE THIS HAS BEEN A STRUGGLE. If there are typos I AM SORRY- just msg me and ill fix it if its that bad im just tired!

Kirishima x reader

⤷Genre: Angst, Fluff

⤷Word Count: 9k+ (-this has the weekly prompt for the @bnhabookclub​ discord -“Im fine” :)

⤷ Warnings: slight mentions of blood, cursing, suggested spicyness at the end

⤷ Synopsis: It’s been exactly 3 months since the last time Kirishima saw you, after you had abruptly ended things with him. He’s been trying to forget you, but it’s no use-he’s still madly in love with you, and wishes he could get the truth of why you two ended. What a shocker when he gets a chance to ask his questions-and he learns the truth about your villainous life.

Song Recs: ⤷ “Breakeven”-The Script ⤷ “Lucid Dreams”- Juice WRLD ⤷ “Scars”- Lukas Graham

PART 1

Kirishima looked up at his calendar, a sad sigh escaping his lips. 

That number shouldn’t be such a big deal, that plain black “11” tiny and insignificant next to all the other digits, like little ants stationary on the page.

What it represented, though, was so much more: that day so many weeks ago was so full of heartache and misery, the feeling of being lied to eating at his core for days to come. 

Today, 3 months ago, was the day you confessed to him that you didn’t love him. 

Kirishima has never felt so betrayed and heartbroken in his whole life: you were his first real love after all, and hearing you say your love was a lie destroyed him.

He didn’t know what to do or how to even react to that news: he had felt so numb after, so incredibly empty, it was like he was a walking shell of himself once he left your room.

His friends had tried to cheer him up constantly, always putting in the effort to lift his spirits with laughter and comfort. But the warmth of their attempts of cheering him up didn’t help him at all: he always still felt so cold inside.

It also didn’t help that you had mysteriously left UA the day after the “breakup.” When Kirishima laid his tired puffy eyes on your empty desk the next day, his heart couldn’t help but beat feverishly. He knew he shouldn’t care that you were gone, but he couldn’t help it. No matter which way he spun it, He was still desperately falling for you, even if you had broken his heart. 

He had sat down, his back slumped as he eyed that empty seat with worry. 

How had everything gone so wrong? 

He couldn’t fathom what had gone stray-your love  had honestly felt so real to him. You had told him you had only dated him out of pity-but if somebody was being forced to do something, just to spare someone’s feelings, would they have given him his first kiss so perfectly, making sure to be soft and gentle? Would they have stuck with him late into the night to help study for tests? Or give him sweet kisses on his scars when he was feeling self conscious? 

It just didn’t add up-the feelings you two had were genuine and real. It couldn’t all be one sided like you had said.

He gave another look to that chair, just imagining the ghost of you sitting there, turning around and sending him that infectious smile that light up his whole day.

God, it wasn't even one whole day and he felt so incomplete without you.

Mr. Aizawa walked in, everyone scrambling to their seats and watching him intently, the room getting noticeably more quiet.

He didn’t remember much of that class-he had remembered Mr.Aizawa standing at the front of the class, his deep voice breaking his miserable thoughts when he said the class would be free of one student.

You had seemingly left in the middle of the night, your guardians notifying the school you would no longer be attending UA due to you moving. All of Class 1-A was incredibly confused, including Kirishima- you had never said you were moving, yet you somehow were just gone. As if you never existed.

It just didn’t add up to Kirishima-you would have said something about moving, or at least acted strange the weeks prior. All these events just didn’t make sense to Kirishima-the break up, your confession, you leaving-it all just didn’t add up. But he was too tired, too wrecked inside to think about it anymore. The more he tried to piece the story together the more it gnawed at him, making him feel so much more worse than he already felt. He slumped in his chair, knowing full well everyone was staring at him-you were his boyfriend after all, he should have known.

Oh wait-ex.

He slumped in his chair even more, barely the tips of his spiky red hair poking up from the desk table.

It was gonna be a long few weeks for him, he could already feel it.

Now he was past all those days of crying and breaking over you-some days he could actually forget about you and not have to worry. But on days that were permanently etched into his mind, like today, he couldn’t help but remember. 

Kirishima's phone began to ring, the vibration of the call making the phone jitter against the wood of his desk. He tore himself away from the calendar, his hands instantly swiping to take the call once he saw the Caller ID.

“Hey Fat, how's it going!” Kirishima forced a smile, his voice preppy and bright as if nothing had ever happened.

“Kirishima, thanks for taking the call,” his mentor seemed to breathe a sigh of relief hearing his bright voice on the other end.

Since Kirishima was in his 3rd year, he was required to do another work study, for an even longer period of time than before. So when he was asked by Fatgum to come join the agency once again, he couldn’t help but say no. He had loved his old mentor back from his 1st year, even if he did get pretty banged up at the end of his work study. He was more than happy to join his agency again, and wanted nothing more to learn and grow to be the best hero he could be.

“I know this is pretty late in the day for you,” Fatgum continued, “but I’m going to need your help,”

“Tamaki was supposed to be patrolling on the West side of town tonight, but he got called in to help with a robbery on the North side. I don’t have anybody else to take his place, so I was hoping you could take over his shift for the night,”

“Of course! I’ll do anything you need,” Kirishima propped his phone into the crook of his neck, already rummaging around his room for his hero suit.

“You're a lifesaver Kirishima!” Fatgum exclaimed, the toothy grin he was most likely sporting practically audible.“See ya for training tomorrow then!”

“You too, Fat,” Kirishima's cheerful tone waned, a sad smile replacing his bright grin as he stared down at his hero suit.

He had already known today was going to be a tough day for him, and the fact that he was off from any type of hero work that would make him forget about his sadness didn’t help. 

But now that Fatgum has given him a job tonight, he might be able to erase his mind of all the past heart ache for the next few hours. He gave himself a small smile, his hero suit beckoning him to put it on, the reds and blacks calling to him like ghosts from a dream.

He was gonna at least try to forget-just for the night.

It was now an hour before the end of his shift, and he was feeling practically tired.

The West side of town was relatively quiet, nowhere near the crime riddled areas of the North side of the city boulevard. He knew these streets well from patrolling them almost every night of his hero study, knowing each alleyway and path like the back of his hand. 

Tonight was silent, only a few late night joggers or the occasional fast food joint open for any customers getting the late night munchies. 

It was soft, provincial, and bitter sweet. 

He was trying his best to not remember, to not remember your face, or your smile, or the way you would laugh so warmly whenever he did something amusing. He was trying not to imagine you standing by his side, your hand grabbing his and your shoulder resting  on his, a happy sigh escaping your lips. 

Why were still haunting him, even three months later? 

why couldn’t he just forget about you? 

A crash and a yell snapped Kirishima out of his memory, an angry scream of a teen being heard from the late night restaurant. 

He shook his head to rid himself of those unwanted thoughts, noticing a black figure running across the parking lot into an alleyway at lightning speed.

“That-that Villian!” She shrieked, her friends trying to soothe her as she continued on her rampage, “She stole my wallet! My damn wallet! The hell-“

“Don’t worry ma’am, I’ll get it back for you, don’t worry!” He yelled towards the group, his voice warm and assuring as he sent her a toothy grin. His feet began pounding the pavement, disappearing into the alleyway in the direction of the criminal.

Your breath came out in painful huffs, your hand fumbling to put the wallet into the jacket of your Villian suit. 

Damn Shigaraki and his “plans.”

Shigaraki has now concocted up his next bright idea  for the League, this time relying on you stealing an ID card from a college student that looked similar to you. 

While the LOV was going off stealing a bank for some extra cash, you were told to go find someone who looked similar to you in order to pass as them. for what you had no idea, but you knew Shigaraki would be extremely mad with you if you didn’t do what he asked. You shivered at the thought of him, those cold red eyes like bloody daggers ripping into your flesh. 

You slowed to a stop, your breath coming out in pants as you pulled down the mask on your face, your breath finally free from the constricting fabric.

God you hated running.

Nobody seemed to be following you though, footsteps inaudible to your ears. You slinked into a dark corner of the alleyway, your hands rummaging inside the wallet for the ID card you desperately needed.

Cash, credit card, a picture of her and possibly her boyfriend,a shit ton of gift cards-

You breathed a sigh of relief, flicking out the desired card with a flourish. In the low light conditions you were in, it was hard to see her details, but you knew that it matched your complexion just enough to pass by.

Thank God, now Shigaraki wouldn’t be on your ass-

“Hey, it’s not cool to steal, man,” you heard a familiar voice echo throughout the concrete walls of the alleyway, making your blood run cold.

Shit, please not be him, anybody but him-

You instantly tugged your mask over your mouth and nose, praying to God it wasn’t him.

Maybe it was another hero, or somebody that just resembled him-

“Just give me back what you stole, and nothing bad will happen to ya,” Kirishima continued, his footsteps slow and solemn as he walked over to you, as if you were a wounded animal that could attack at any moment.

You shoved the wallet hastily into your jacket pocket, looking around, desperate for a way out.

Damn it-you were completely blocked from the back, a tall cement wall blocking your escape. The only way for you to get out was to somehow dodge Kirishima and make a run for it, or fight him.

God definitely had his favorites, and it obviously wasn’t you.

This boy was so quiet-all that hero training made him extremely agile, like a cat going forward it’s prey  as he continued to walk towards you cautiously. 

It was a shock to see him-he looked so much older, his handsome face making your heart squeeze painfully. He still sported his iconic red hair to match his suit, the only thing really changing was the amount of scars on his body. When you two had dated, you were so close to him you knew every valley, ditch, and scar on his body like your own.

He was getting stronger and tougher, growing to his goal while you were stuck in your life, still just a little pawn in Shigarakis decaying hands.

You didn’t feel like fighting him-you still felt guilty for the way you had ended things with him, even though it was weeks after. You knew it had to be done in order to protect him, but you also knew it had hurt him to the point of no return.

 He had to have hated you now, and honestly, you didn’t blame him-it just hurt to know you lost a love you still felt. And it was your fault.

Kirishima watched your every move, not suspecting a thing-you were just another thug, another puny Villain he had to take down. Even though it was decent fun to take a criminal down, dealing with witnesses, the police, and paperwork was quite the opposite. But it’d get his mind off of his own misery.

The Villain seemed strange though-as if they were terrified by the mere sight of him. They weren’t even trying to bad mouth him, which was a definite first for him. It was hard to see in the dark alleyway, but he could make out the outline of the thief trying to quickly dodge him, trying to break into a run to get out of the cramped dead end.

Kirishima swiftly grabbed the arm of their leather jacket, pulling your squirming body close to his.

You were screaming internally-he needed to let go, he had to let go. Your heart felt like it was ripping apart, the sudden memories flooding your body as you remembered how it felt to be so close to him, to be so intimate you could see the flecks of brown in his vermillion red eyes. You didn’t want him to realize it was you, to see you as his enemy yet again. You couldn’t bear to see the heartbreak and disappointment in his eyes, your hands clawing to get away.

“Hey-just calm down a little-“ he huffed out, the words separated as he tried to keep a hold on your body.

It was strange to him though-you weren’t even talking, not a peep was spilling out of your lips. You seemed pretty young, and by your smaller frame, you were most likely female. You seemed 

so scared, your eyes bright with desperation and fright. 

His larger hands kept you close to him, his heart pinging with hurt-

There was no way this was you. He was going crazy-those weren’t your eyes.

But God, they looked so familiar-your eyes looked exactly like that the day you two broke up. Full of fear and sadness and guilt-

This wasn’t you, this couldn’t be you, but-if it was-

With one hand firmly wrapped your waist and another shakily reaching toward your mask, your body fighting desperately to get him to stop. Even through your attempts, he pulled the material gently off your skin, The flimsy black mask falling to the ground pitifully. your face looking down at the ground with embarrassment, now knowing your cover was blown.

Kirishima's heart beat painfully-it was you, this was you.

What had happened?

“Y-y/n?” He stuttered out, his voice caught pitifully in his throat.

You swallowed thickly, trying to shove the dry ball of embarrassment down your throat.

“H-hi Kiri,” 

He quickly let go of you, his body blocking your exit as he stared at you in disbelief.

You looked so different, so unlike you-you were wearing a completely black outfit, the material shiny like wet rocks near a dark river. Your hair was pulled back painfully tight, your eyes looking down at your scuffed combat boots in despair.

You looked so defeated and so sad, as if there was no happiness left in your body.

Who even were you?

“What happened to you? Why are stealing? Where have you even been?” He bombarded you with questions, his voice getting more and more authoritative and desperate as questions flooded his mind.

You couldn’t even think to comprehend an answer to any of them-you just needed to forget this encounter ever happened. For your and Kirishima’s sanity and, most importantly, safety.

“Just let me go Kirishima,” you dodged his question, taking a step forward to push your way out of the alleyway.

Kirishima's body was bigger and stronger though, and with each shuffle you attempted he would close the gap between you two, blocking your escape solely with his body.

“No, I-I need answers y/n,” he replied. His voice sounded so hurt, so full of anguished you felt your heart break a little more. He was still hurting, and now he was confused, seeing you all dressed up and committing crimes like a low level Villian. 

“I need to know what happened to you.”

You faulted in your step, staring at Kirishima with wide, mournful eyes. You made yet another attempt to surpass him, your shoulder a mere centimeters away from his as you tried to walk past him.

“Nothing happened Kirishima, please just let me-“

If you thought you were going to leave that easily, you were crazy. 

He swiftly grabbed your arm, his calloused hands rough against the leather of your jacket. Even through the thick material you could feel how warm he was-he always radiated such heat and brightness.

“Why did you leave UA?” He was abrupt with his question, but the hint of softness faltered his harsh exterior-he was still worried for you.

A deep sigh cascaded from your lips, your brow starting to sweat. You were tired of dealing with this heavy burden, this spider web of lies you had created for your own self. You still loved Kiri, yes, but your relationship was over and done. There was really no fear of judgement anymore. Hell, he just saw you steal a wallet like a low level thug-how much more could he judge you in this moment?

“You want the truth Kiri?” Your voice was blunt, and monotone, a shield from your true emotions. 

“You want to know who I really am? I-I’m a Villian. I work for the LOV. I only went to UA because I had to listen to Shigaraki. He needed info and I was the only one to do it.”

You sneaked a peek at Kirishima's face, a slight grimace on your lips as you anticipated the look of disgust on his face. Your heart thumped painfully, waiting for him to look at you with revulsion, but-it never came. His bright vermillion eyes still stared down at you softly, his eyes coated with worry and sympathy. 

“So-you were being forced?”

“At first I wanted to do it-b-but after I while, I started to change my mind,” 

he was so warm, his body heat seeping into your cold skin like a fire on a winter's night. Even now, in this dark alley, exactly 3 months from your terrible breakup-he still could make you feel safe. He was your home in the snow storm, so warm and comforting when the rest of the world was so unforgiving and icy. You relished the feeling of his calloused palms on your body, wishing those hands were on your skin instead of your jacket so they could  slowly  warm your whole body with their wonderful  heat.

“Then why did you leave?”

You gulped, licking your lips tentatively. Did you really want to tell him the truth? Tell him how weak you truly were? You honestly didn’t, a part of you screaming to just feed him a lie that would satiate you both-but the thought of living with even more of a guilty conscience made your mouth go dry. He didn't deserve another lie-after all you did to him, Kirishima deserved the truth. 

“I-I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want you to get hurt. If Shigaraki found out I was considering leaving the LOV, he would have done anything in his power to keep me.”

“You don’t know the League like I do. When I mean he would do anything-he would do anything-including killing.”

Kirishima's eyes momentarily widened, the brutal words cutting the air like a knife. It didn’t surprise him, though-he was a hero in training after all. He had been in too many dangerous run ins with villians-hell, he couldn’t even count how many times he could have died just in his first year at UA. Death was a recurring threat in Kirishima's life, and , for better or worse, it didn’t scare him as much as it used to.

“Kiri-I-I lied to you to keep you safe. You meant the world to me-You still do. I still think about you all the time, and I know you probably hate me, but I still love you. I never stopped.”

He watched your eyes turn down in shame, your head hanging low as if you were carrying a great burden. It was painstakingly obvious you were feeling guilty and remorseful, and his heart throbbed at the thought that of you being forced to continue on with this life. We all made dumb mistakes when we were younger-you shouldn’t have to keep the burden of your past decisions still. 

As much as he felt sympathy for you, he couldn't help but feel so happy that you still had feelings for him. No matter how he spun it, he still cared for you and loved you with all his heart-hearing The same thoughts come from you just made him fall for you even more.

He gingerly took your chin in his hands, his calloused digits lifting your sullen head in order for him to look at you fully. Even when you looked so downtrodden, you were absolutely beautiful to him, and he couldn’t help but smile.

“God, take the words right out of mouth, huh?”

Kirishima's heartbeat feverishly in his chest-what he was about to do was so incredibly risky, but he had to do it. Too many nights he spent dreaming and remembering you, the memories bitter sweet. Now that he had you in front of him, he was going to take any chance he could go get those sensations back in his life.

Kirishima placed his lips gently on yours, knocking the wind out of your lungs. You couldn’t breathe-it was like you were drowning on his essence-yet you couldn’t careless. Warmth filled your stomach, fueling all over your body like a hot flame. It was so comforting and surreal to be feeling this again, to have Kirishima's hot lips pressed against yours.

He parted from you, both of you buzzing with electricity. It was surprising how much truth that kiss held-it melted the cocoon you two had around your hearts, allowing you two to see how much you had truly missed each other.

“ Y/n, I miss you, I knew that night you said you didn’t love me, something wasn’t right,” he spoke, his breath fanning your lips gently. “I knew there was more than what you were letting on.”

Kirishima grabbed your arms suddenly, looking you square in the face with intense eyes.

“ Y/n, you should have left then and there! We would have protected you! I would have protected! I promise I wouldn’t have let anything happen to you-“

“Y/n, you need to leave them, please,”

You sighed, hating how quickly the air thickened with the remembrance of your current situation. 

“Kiri, I don’t want anybody to potentially get hurt because of my dumbass decisions, I’m fine, I can handle myself-“

“Y/n, no your not fine! Look at you-,”he motioned to your clothing and your sullen face, “this isn’t you at all! 

“Kiri, please, don’t give me false hope-“ you shoved him off, wrapping your arms around your body to protect yourself. If you didn’t get control of yourself, you would follow his words in a heartbeat. As much as you would love to run into the strong arms of Kirishima, for him to warm your numb body with his positive energy- you knew it was dangerous. You didn’t want anybody to get hurt over you.

“It isn’t false hope though….” He smiled sweetly at you, his hand stretched out to you, “please, just take my hand, Kay? Nothing bad will happen, I promise,”

You stared at him long and hard, your eyes wide with fear and uncertainty-he was so genuine, so warm, so forgiving. He wanted to help you, he was willing and ready. He wanted to fight the world with you by his side, to protect the people he needed to protect with his loving energy. Kirishima had a way of making you believe anything that came out of his mouth, and you were falling for his spell. You didn’t know if it was the shock from seeing him after so long, his kiss, or just from wanting to leave so badly, but you stretched out your hand, ready for him to take you away.

a cruel, scraggly voice boomed from the shadows, “He promises to keep his little love bird safe.”

“How touching.”

You two spun your heads around at the sound of the ominous voice, your blood running cold.

“Shigaraki,” you gasped out, your eyes glued onto your leader. 

He was smiling a sick grin, his expression sadistic and cruel as he stood in a few paces away from you two. He was clothed in his Villain suit, his clothes tattered and dark like the Grim Reaper himself.

 Spinner and Twice were standing close by, surveying the scene from above as Shigaraki sauntered to you two. Kirishima's expression instantly turned from softness to determination, his body instantly turning to shield yours.

“Oh no need to act so heroic hero,” he grinned, his tone sickeningly sweet life cough syrup.

“Just give us our comrade and we’ll be on our way.”

“You're not going anywhere with her!” Kirishima yelled, his quirk activating in his arm as he shielded you from Shigaraki. “She doesn’t want to be with you scumbags anymore!”

“I’d watch your tone if I were you, especially for trying to defend a spineless traitor like her.”

Kirishima's face turned red in anger, his whole body now turning as solid as a rock as he charged your former leader.

“You piece of-“ 

Shigaraki continued the sick grin plastered on his face as Spinner and Twice instantly jumped from their positions, grabbing Kirishima's arms and roughly slamming him into the nearby wall. You heard the air forces out of Kirishima's lungs, his face contorted in pain. Your heart felt as if it was getting stabbed as you watched Kirishima struggle against their holds.

“Kirishima!” You screamed, your body yelling at you to help him-but you knew you couldn’t take on those two by yourself, not even including Shigaraki.

You turned to the villainous man in front of you, your eyes pleading.

“Shigaraki, please, tell them to let him go-let him go!”

He took a step toward you, his footsteps ringing slowly like the ticks of an old clock.

“Oh, I will,” he replied, his voice low and sadistic, “-when you rejoin the League.

“ I’d kill you right now for being such a selfish brat if I didn’t need you-so take it as a gift. I’ll spare your life if you just come-“

“Never,” you spat at him, fear filling your stomach with your defiance. You were surprised to hear how steady your voice was, but the slight Tremble in your fists said otherwise.

“Fine then,” he smirked, “suit yourself-“

With a wave of his decaying hands, Spinner and Twice began to use their full force on Kirishima-punching, kicking, anything to torture him. He was trying his best to block them, even with his quirk-but they were quite strong, especially once Twice used his quirk to produce more of his own body. It quickly began evident that Kirishima was having a hard time to fight off the villains, his Stance slowly becoming weaker and weaker as his face began to bruise and his arm dusted with his own blood.

You were hopeless to just watch, watching your worst fear come to life-people we’re already getting hurt over you.

Anger filled your stomach, licking up your body like hot flames as you turned to charge Shigaraki, fire in your eyes.

“Stop it you crusty ass-“ you yelled out, your fists out as you tried to land a punch on the Villian.

He seemed to know your exact movements though, his hands harshly grabbing your wrists and mouth, colliding your body with his.

“I’d watch that mouth of yours if I were you, unless you want it to disintegrate-along with the rest of you-“

Shit.

You had momentarily forgotten about Shigaraki’s dangerous quirk-one wrong move and you could be a heap on the ground, nothing more. The fingers around your mouth were delicate, knowing full well you wouldn’t try and escape. They drummed playfully against your mouth, as if taunting you to do something foolish. You felt how cold he was, the feeling of his chapped skin on yours disgusting as he toyed with your life in his hands. 

It was all a game for him-and he was winning.

“Look at him-“ Shigaraki ordered, the grip around your mouth suddenly tightening as he twisted your head to face Kirishima's misery.  

“You caused this, y/n. All this pain, all this suffering. If you leave, he will be the first we target. Well slowly go after each and every person you have ever loved, until we finally come for you.”

“Now, you don’t want that, do you?”  He asked, his face tilting in order to see your answer. You forced yourself to not look at him, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing the small tears running down your cheeks. 

All you could muster was a small shake of your head, the vibration of your movement going through Shigarakis finger tips.

Through the fists and clones he was trying to fight off, Kirishima could see you shaking your head, Shigaraki looking practically happy by your answer. A sinking feeling filled Kirishima's stomach as he saw your body language slouch in defeat. He Tried to call at you, to stop you from agreeing to whatever was coming out of Shigarakis lying lips, but at that moment one of the clones landed a solid punch to his stomach. Kirishima felt all the air leave out of his lungs , his knees wobbling and hitting the floor as his head spun from the pain.

Shigaraki still had his hold on you, watching how your face crumpled as you watched Kirishima fall and unable to help.

“Good, now, will you come and rejoin?” He asked one last time, motioning for his comrades to move away from Kirishima and back to their spot on the roof of the alleyway.

He knew now he had you under his finger, knowing the show he had just made you watched instilled enough fear for you to never leave his team again. He watched your eyes cower to give one last look at Kirishima's crumpled body, your shoulders tense with stress.

“I-I’ll rejoin the League,” you whispered out, feeling the hold Shigaraki had on you loosen. 

It was tearing you up inside to see Kirishima so bruised and hurt on the ground-you focused on the signs of him breathing, his broad chest rising and falling as he struggled to push himself back up. That small evidence gave you courage, your heart racing as you will yourself to continue with the plan you had secretly been concocting this whole time.

You grunted, a sly smirk erupting on your face.

“After I do this-“

You swiftly grabbed Shigarakis arm, twisting it in an excruciating position behind his back. He yelled out in pain, a string of curses filling the night as you rammed your fist into his chest, sending the air out of his lungs. He stumbled dramatically, dry coughs spewing out of his lungs as his knees hit the floor. 

“You no longer have power over me-none of you do,” you stood defiantly in that alleyway, watching your ex comrades stare at you in shock and awe. In all your time with the LOV, you had never defied them. Not once. You were always so obedient, which was why Shigaraki loved to have you around as a n asset to his team-you were so easy to keep around his finger. 

But now you were clearly being rebellious, your stony face telling the whole group you had changed-you didn’t give a damn about their threats and their rules anymore. You wouldn’t be coming back.

A burst of fear and extreme annoyance flooded Shigarakis' system, the pain of your kick aiding fuel to the flame. He growled, a curse directed at you dribbling from his lips as his thin legs wobbled his body weight up. His mouth opened to send you another string of curses, ready to unleash his full wrath on you for embarrassing him so much, until a characteristic siren filled the night air.

Kirishima propped himself onto his knees, a tried grin gracing his bruising lips.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you-“

His hand lifted, showing the whole group a small contraption in his hand. In the darkness of the alleyway it was hard to tell what it was, but it seemed Kirishima was holding a phone, a route to your location lighting up the screen.

“My mentor gave all us heroes-in-training a tracker, just in case we get into any trouble. While you were blabbering on about plans, I sent the heroes our location.”

Kirishima smiled triumphantly at the fearful faces of Shigaraki’s comrades, Shigarakis own fave contorted in rage. 

The sirens were slowly getting louder, the colors of blue and red dancing lightly against the stony walls of the alley way.

“So unless you wanna get caught by the heroes,” he added in, his tone surprisingly friendly, “ I suggest you go.”

Shigaraki seemed waver, trying to see if he could still get you back under the terrible circumstances. But the cops were practically here, the sounds of car doors slamming being heard. He had to admit it to himself-he lost this battle. He gave you one last scornful look, his bloody irises sending a shiver down your spine as he took off with his comrades, not leaving a trace.

You could already hear the police officers stepping out of their cars, fear flooding your stomach. Even though you had just defied the League, you were still a criminal. You had been doing illegal activities for months now-hell, you just stole a girls wallet 15 minutes ago and it was still in your damn pocket.

Even though a part of you was screaming for you to run as well, you fought off that flight response in order to help Kirishima off the floor.

His skin still feels warm, your hands making sure not to touch the tender parts of his skin from his fight. Even though he was smiling, you could tell he was in some pain. Your worst fear was already being realized-he got hurt over you. For you. You could never repay him for that, the guilt seeping into your core. 

“Kiri are you okay? Please tell me you are,” you pushed out, the tone of your voice desperate and pleading. “I’m so sorry-“

Kirishima looked up, his vermillion eyes as bright as ever as he caresses your cheek, sweeping the single tear off your face.

 “For what? You did nothing wrong y/n, you don’t have to be so sad over me-this is my job after all!” He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood as you began to help him stand up. He was slightly wobbly on his feet but seemed to be doing just fine. 

He gave you a small smile, a hint of worry in his eyes as he heard footsteps coming behind him.

“Just-let me do the talking, Kay?” He waited for you to give him a nod, his hands giving yours a gentle squeeze.

“Do you still have the wallet you stole?”

“The-? Oh, yeah, I do,” you stated quickly, the wallet resurfacing in your mind as you rummaged in your jacket, pulling it out and shoving it into his hand.

“Thanks,” he smiled at you, his cheeks warm as he faltered for the smallest second. 

It was evident he wanted to lean in and kiss you-the way he stared at your lips was quite evident and brought a blush to your cheeks. 

But Kirishima was still on duty, and couldn’t be so openly romantic when he was in his hero suit as well being approached by law enforcement. He instead opted to kiss your cheek, the smooth skin of his lips warming your whole body as he walked over to greet the police officer. 

Kirishima has spoke to the police officer for quite a while, a few others watching close behind as they surveyed you. You felt strange, standing there so alone as you watched Kirishima talk to the officer so warmly. 

You didn’t know what he was saying, or what he was doing, but you were hoping he was somehow sweet talking the officers. You watched him point to you at one point, his warm smile assuring your terrified face as the officer looked you up and down tentatively.

He motioned you to come over, as if trying to get a frightened animal to come near him. You followed his command, your steps hesitant as you approached the two men.

The officer face was hardened until he saw the look of terror on your face, his expression softening slightly.

“This is her?” He asked gruffly, turning to Kirishima.

“Yes,” he nodded his head in confirmation. “The LOV have been brainwashing her for their plans-she has intel the heroes could use to our advantage. Fat Gum’s agency needs her straight away in order to get that info from her. I promise we will get her in the system and any other information you may need on file.”

The officer gave you two a long look, sighing as he scratched his chin.

“Alright,” he complied, a huge smile erupting on Kirishimas face. “You two need a ride? You look pretty messed up.”

Kirishima gave a small chuckle, scratching the back of his head. “Uh-yeah, THAT'D be pretty nice actually-“

After the small car ride to Fat Gum’s agency, you had helped Kirishima out of the car and to Fat Gum’s office at the top floor. It seemed like someone had already alerted Fat Gum to Kirishima's arrival, because you two were instantly met by the pro hero with worried eyes once you reached his office.

“God Kirishima you had me so worried for a second!” He yelled, striding over to the bruised hero, “that receptionist really made it sound like you were in need of medical attention or something-“

“I’m fine Fat, you don’t gotta worry about me!” Kirishima said good naturedly, his perfect teeth glistening in the fluorescent lights. “I actually have some things I need your help with-“

“You definitely do if you're bringing a civilian into the office,” FatGum stared down at you with a warm smile, your heart beating guiltily. It was strange to see the hero in normal clothing in not in his larger form, his stature so much smaller it seemed from his usually large frame.

“The names Fat, but you can call me Taishiro!” He held out his hand in front of you, his bright personality radiating off of him, “and you are-“

“I-I’m y/n, sir,” you said hesitantly, taking your smaller hand in his. He was just as warm as Kirishima, like a bright ball of sun. 

No wonder Kirishima interned with Fatgum-he was just like him. Bright, fun, kind. Everything you so dearly craved for in your life, but couldn't quite grasp.

“I’m sorry, I’m not a civilian-I’m a criminal, a Villian,” you muttered sadly, your head hanging low, “well, I was-“

Fat Gum gave Kirishima a confused look, his happy exterior dropping slightly. 

“She was being forced to be a Villain by Shigaraki,” Kirishima quickly stepped forward, his tone serious as he defended you. “She wanted to leave the LOV, but they were threatening her.

“She didn’t do anything wrong-she just wanted to protect herself and the people around her.”

Fat Gum scratched the side of his cheek, his eyes lost in thought.

“Well Thats a strange situation to be in-I’m assuming you two know each other?”

You looked at Kirishima, red blossoming your cheeks just like his. 

Maybe it wasn’t the best time to tell his mentor that you had dramatically broke up with Kirishima over 3 months ago.

“We uh-“ Kirishima started, his voice wavering in uncertainty.

“We were classmates,” you chided in quickly, “I went to UA along with Kirishima, but the LOV forced me to leave the school.”

Fat Gum nodded his head, a sigh escaping his lips. “So-you’ve been working as a Villain, but against your will?”

You nodded your head, your breath caught in your throat as you awaited for the hero's reaction to this news of your true identity.

“This will get a little fuzzy legal wise, especially if people are looking for you-some may not trust what you say, even if you left the League and do everything in your power to change their minds.”

“Don’t worry though, I believe you,” the hero placed his hand in your shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “I believe Red Riot full heartedly in his perception of others and I’m pretty good at reading people too. I can tell youre not what the League tried to make you into.”

He sent you a warm grin, making you feel safe for what had felt like a long time.

“Would you be willing to answer questions about the League? about how they operate, how large they are, their plans-“

“Yes, anything to end them and help the heroes,” you answered quickly, your tone set in determination, “I’d be willing to do all of it.”

“Well that settles it!” Fat Gum said happily, the smile back on his face. “Tomorrow we’ll start talking to you about your experience with the League-but you two seem to need a well deserved nap.”

“Why don’t you keep her in your apartment Kirishima?” FatGum turned to the hero, Kirishimas dusted in pink by the proposition. “Shell feel

a little more comfortable since you're someone she knows, and she’s also close to the agency.”

Fat Gum gave you a soft smile, his eyes filled with reassurance. “Heroes will be around all day and all night, so nobody can come in and out.”

It surprised you how intuitive the hero was-he knew exactly how you were feeling. 

Even though you knew it was foolish, you still felt that somehow the League would find you and try to bring you back. You had clearly defied them, and it scared you that they be trying to get their revenge. 

But Fatgums charming smile was so reassuring and welcoming, you couldn’t give him a small smile back.

“I think I can manage that arrangement.”

“Good then,” he gave you two one last smile, ushering you two out the door, “make sure to get some rest-tomorrow will definitely be a long day. Make sure those injuries are doing well too, alright?”

You both gave the hero a curt response, turning your backs from the now closed doors.

Kirishima's heart began to beat intensely, his stomach filling with butterflies.

You had agreed to stay in his room? God, if someone had told him a few hours ago you’d be staying the night with him, he’d wouldn’t believe it for a second. But now this was happening, and he couldn’t be more ecstatic or nervous.

He stared at your profile, not missing the dusting of red on your cheeks-you were nervous too? It made him feel a little better inside, a small smile gracing his lips as he stretched out his hand.

“You ready?”

You looked down at the outstretched sha s in front of you, taking his palm in yours tentatively.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” 

He lead you through the agency, taking an elevator a few levels down in order to get to the apartments specifically for the heroes in training.

It was a short trip, but the fatigue that wa a beginning to hit your body was making it feel so much longer. The adrenaline rush you had felt all night was wearing off, your eyes fluttering as you will yourself to stay awake.

Kirishima noticed your sleepy state, a small chuckle escaping from his chest.

“You feeling tired?”

“Just-a little,” you yawned out, wrapping your hands around your body.

“Don’t worry-were almost at my place,” he gave you a sweet smile, his hands outstretched for yours as the elevator door opened. You took it gratefully, letting him lead you to his door as he opened it with ease.

You stepped inside, adjusting from the darkness as you took in the sight in front of you.

The room smelled of him-the warm and musky scent ofhis cologne lingering in the air. It was almost teasing you with its memories, a wave of comfort washing over you as you recalled all the times you buried your nose into his neck and smelled his scent. 

His room was pretty neat, surprisingly, his desk organized and his walls decorated with a few posters. You recognized some from his old room at UA-a Crimson Riot, his favorite band, and even a calendar he used to use frequently.

Some areas of his room signaled the busy life of his work stidy, his unmade bed strewn with clothing he had hastily ripped off, a small pile of clothes in a pile and his laptop charging in a corner of the room.

Kirishima cursed himself as he looked around the room, painstakingly noticing every little detail and mess, hating how he hadn’t cleaned up his room that day.

“Sorry for the mess, I didn’t expect to have anyone,” he chuckled nervously, already going around and picking up his things.

“It’s fine-I like it,” 

You were speaking the truth when you said it-you liked how it was so him, showing a glimpse into his daily life. It was warm and comforting, even residential, to see him in his day to day life.

“You do?”

You hummed a “yes”, feeling your heart beat fast when Kirishima closed the gap between you two, his palms gently grasping your arms. He breathed in a deep sigh, holding you close.

“God, you don’t know how much I missed you,” he sighed out breathlessly.

“I missed you too Kiri,” you looked down, old guilt resurfacing inside you, “I’m still sorry for being so-so mean to you-I should have just told you the truth, I shouldn't have lied-“

Kirishima smiled softly, lifting your chin with his finger.

“Don’t worry about that! That was in the past-now it’s just you and me, kay? You don’t have to worry about any of that, now”

He gave you a long look, sorry buried in his brows as you ran his fingers along your skin, feeling the bags under your eyes. You inhaled a deep breath, loving the electricity Kirishima set into your skin just from his touch.

“You really are tired, huh?” He asked quietly, his voice husky from exhaustion himself.

“And you're not?” You gave him a quirky smile, making him blush with a chuckle.

“Well, I didn’t say that,” he gave you a small grin, his hands returning back to their spots on your arms.

“Do you wanna sleep? You can take the bed if you want-I know it’s not made, but I can sleep on the couch if you’d like-“

“I want to sleep with you,” you replied softly, your eyes widening once you realized what you had just said.

You wanted to sleep with him? God, you sounded so perverted! 

“I-I mean I want to go to bed with you-I didnt mean-I just didn’t want to make you sleep somewhere else, since this your room-“

Kirishima's face was incredibly red, but the smile was still plastered on his face.

“Oh it’s alright, I really don’t mind either way.“

He pulled himself away from you gently, as he began searching through his dresser for some clothes.

“So-bed together?”

“Yup!” You replied back, popping the p as You sat on the unmade bed, your fingers dragging against the plus fabric as Kirishima turned around, sitting in front of you as he handed you one of his shirts.

���I know you don’t have any pajamas, so you can wear one of my shirts until we get you some clothes.”

“Mm, sounds good,” you smiled tenderly, loving how close he was as you ran your hands through his hair.

He sighed into your touch as he nuzzled into your skin, his breath warm against your skin.

He sat there for a few moments, finally rising sluggish and slow.

“Gotta move-or I’ll fall asleep right there,” he chuckled, walking over to the front of his closet. He began to take off the pieces of his hero suit, the large gears on his arms hitting the floor with a thud.

You admired how broad his shoulders were, the way his muscles rippled so evidently as he moved his bones to his will. He was so perfectly built, you could t help but drool at the firmness of his skin.

“Having fun over there?,” he turned around, a shit eating grin plastered on his face as he undid the belt around his waist.

“Just a little,” you gave him a small grin, hear flooding your face as you held the shirt close to your chest.

“You can go change in the bathroom if you’d like-you don’t have to stay out here if you’re not comfortable,” 

“And what if I am?” 

You laughed at the clearly evident blush on his cheeks, his face trying to hide the rush of embarrassment.

“Your a handful,” he chuckled, his hand running through his hair nervously.

He knew you were joking, and you two had only sorta, maybe gotten back together lass than an hour ago-but damn if he wasn’t nervous and excited by you being so flirtatious-in his room. 

For the rest of the night. 

You gave him one last smile before you disappeared into the bathroom, your hands closing the door gently.

God, it felt so nice to be in his arms again, to feel safe and warm. You had missed the fluttering feeling Kirishima gave you, like you could fly away  at any moment and you could care less. You brought your nose to the cloth of the worn shirt, the powerful smell of his detergent and cologne washing over you. It was so comforting, a nostalgic feeling filling your body as you remembered how much you missed his scent. 

You quickly stripped of your clothes, happy to be free of the uncomfortable garments finally. Since Kirishima didn’t hand you any shorts to wear, you decided to only wear the shirt he had given you over your underwear. The softness of the shirt felt so relaxing against your tired skin, almost like getting a hug from the boy himself. You smiled a deep sigh, happy to see that the shirt was long enough to at least cover your underwear from plan view and you splashed your face with some cold water, rinsing away all the fears from tonight.

You would have a long day tomorrow answering questions about the League-you could at least give yourself tonight to forget and be worry free.

Kirishima was hastily changing before you came out of the bathroom, dreading the idea of you seeing him half naked as he swapped out of his hero suit. He opted to wear something comfortable, grey sweatpants and an old black tshirt, his body running frantically to clean his room. Now that he got the chance to properly clean his room, he was a mad man trying to make it to his liking. He shoved clothes into his closet, made his bed, even hiding cords under his bed. 

If you were going to be in his room, he was at least going to give off some impression of him being neat.

He was now laying on his newly made bed, his hands occupied with checking his phone as he heard the bathroom door opening, your footsteps soft on the carpet of his room.

He looked up, a question about to fall from his lips until his mind went completely blank at the sight of you.

There you were, standing in his room, looking as beautiful as ever wearing his shirt and nothing else. He couldn't help but stare at your legs, worshipping the curves as his mouth was agape from awe.

He didn’t fully prepare himself at the sight of you in his clothes, but god did you wear them so perfectly-

“You okay Kiri?” You gave a nervous laugh, striding over to the bed, settling your knees on the plush comforter.

The shirt road up from the movement t, showing more of those pretty thighs of yours that made him practically drool.

“Ne-never been better!” He tried to compose himself, his voice rising slightly.

God, he needed to get ahold of himself.

“You look pretty comfy,” he gave a small comment on your outfit, loving how bashful you look at the comment.

“Of course I am,” you replied back, crawling over to his side of the bed. He gulped at the sight of you coming so close to him, “I’m in your clothes after all.”

You sat your body next to Kirishima, your hand finding his as your other lightly rested on his stomach. 

“You know, I’ve always thought you looked good in anything,” he smiled, his eyes dark like wine, “but you wearing my clothes-you looked best in that,” 

“Really?” You gave the boy a shit eating grin, knowing full well you were playing a dangerous game now.

This night could end in two different scenarios: one could complicate things, and one could really complicate things.

You’d take the latter, if he was willing.

You shifted your body around him, straddling his waist as his shirt rode up, exposing your thighs even more.

“And what about when they're not on?”

Kirishima's heart beat at an insane pace in his chest-was this wrong to do? He didn’t know and frankly, he didn’t care at that moment.

He returned the smile, his hands traveling underneath the soft shirt.

“Even better.”

Tagging (anyone who commented or asked for a part 2- I tried to get everyone!):

@cellotonin​ @bakugous-forehead​ @lgbtonystarks​ @marrypuffsstuff​ @lady-bakuhoe​ @kurinhimenezu​ @hipster-merchant-of-death​ @hot-pocket01​ @bubblegum-bee-otch​ @kai-charm​

[implodingcacti]

Hi, I worked graveyard at a hotel for 2 years.

Tonight’s my last night. I want to share some stories with you, because this job has been fucking wild.

When I interviewed for the job, my future GM asked if I was a good person (I said yes), complained about the American healthcare system for 30 minutes, and then hired me on the spot. That was my entire interview. He said he trusted me fully because my friend recommended me for the job.

This is the same friend who tried to get me to buy her cigarettes with a school ID because she had left hers at home. Our school IDs were printed on cardstock and laminated by the secretary. I told her it would not work because it looked like a shitty fake ID.

It did not work.

This surprised her.

Also the same friend who had a tan minivan, drove us to Starbucks during an off period in high school, almost crashed because she was smoking, and hit two people’s cars in the parking lot.

Love her.

The first employee I met got into an argument in front of me with her boyfriend. They fought loudly. Afterwards, she asked if I wanted a lollipop.

She got fired like a month afterwards because she took the money from the drawer. This was not the first time she had been fired for this.

I worked with a guy who I’m going to call S. S was a bald white guy who looked like a attorney who couldn’t leave his job. Or a depressed bank manager who’s wife divorced him. He was a very nice man.

I told him this one day on shift change. He thought this was fucking hilarious.

S also used to be a drug dealer. He got busted for selling drugs at this hotel years ago, went to prison, all that shit. My manager hired him after he got out. He thought this story was very funny.

We had a permanent resident named Joe. He was the nicest fucking guy. I chatted with him in the mornings when I set up breakfast. I miss him so much.

He doesn’t live at the hotel any more. This is depressing.

A man threatened to beat me up for flirting with his wife, because he saw us laughing in the lobby. I tried to tell him that I was not interested in his wife, who was 30 years older than me and also not my type. He was still angry.

I texted my manager this. He told me that if the man tried anything, we have, and I quote, “a big ass wrench” next to the safe. He gave me permission to hit the guy with it.

The wrench is, in fact, really fucking big.

A sexline operator called me once, while I was working. This was uncomfortable for me, a very ace then-19 year old. We got into an argument because she claimed I had called her.

Actually just... lots of people liked treating me like phonesex operators. Apparently people’s kinks are listening to room rates. Please do not do this to the people working front desk.

While we’re here, I got invited to a threesome once. The people who invited me? They watched me clock in to do shift change. They asked literal minutes after I clocked in. There is only one person at front desk. They asked after the other guy left.

I declined. For obvious reasons.

The other guy was S, who laughed about it when I told him the next day.

That time that they fired someone and another person left and we were short staffed for a month, so there were two days a week I’d come in at midnight, leave at 6AM, and then come in at noon for another 6 hour shift.

I hated that. Never again.

There was a raid on a hotel across the street. I watched it happen with Joe. He told me shit was wild. I agreed.

My GM would just... text me. At random times of day. To ask how many we had in house.

It was never when I was working.

He was always disappointed that I couldn’t tell him because I wasn’t working.

The time I had to crawl partially under a bed in a smoking room to help a guy get his cat. She was a good cat.

A lady told me a man was outside with a chainsaw and she’d seen him murder someone. Understandably, I was concerned, because she was shaken up and my hearing is godawful. I called the cops, who took things very seriously until she said the chainsaw man had no head in her physical description.

apparently she was on a very bad drugs trip. I learned this the next time I had to call the non-emergency number, because one of the cops from that incident showed up and told me.

A guy died in a room. Normally, you’d think this would be relayed with more urgency. I found about it when I was doing shift change with S. He told me this, and then proceeded to complain about an unrelated room and called them assholes.

The guy’s car was here for 8 months. The company he worked for wanted us to ship the car out to them. We told them they’d have to cover the shipping charge. They refused, and then S got the title to the car.

A guy once threatened to call the cops on me because I told him he couldn’t check into his room 10 hours early without paying an early check in fee. He wanted to call the cops because Expedia said it was 24 hour check in, and it was false advertisement.

He made the mistake of doing this right before I had to head out for a camp. I laughed at him, told him I’d willingly call the cops for him, and that I would love to have them come down.

A scam call once got angry with me because I wouldn’t authorize a purchase.

They pretended to call my manager. I laughed when they did it, because I could hear the phonecall.

My manager had a very particular way of speaking. He was very slow when talking. They did not take this into account.

I told him about this the next shift, of course, and he did not believe me. It was during shift change, luckily, so I did a faux phone call with another coworker, who had worked there for years. Both of them thought it was funny that I had his timing and general tone down.

The scam artists told me I was fired because my manager was, quote, “extremely disappointed in me”. I told them I was glad, because it meant I could go home early.

(My manager told me I wasn’t fired when I told him he had apparently fired me. I asked if he was still disappointed. He laughed.)

When we changed the clock-in system and I had to text our hotel manager whenever I clocked in and out.

A guy tried to tell me that I wasn’t qualified to check him into a room because women are all stupid. I asked him if he wanted to talk to the manager. He said yes, and the manager called him an idiot.

The other time someone told me I wasn’t qualified to check them in because I took too long, and I offered to let her come in and check herself in. Our servers were updating. She declined, because she didn’t work here. I told her she was just going to have to be patient.

Kicked someone out of the hotel once. He came back 30 minutes later to try and re-rent his room. I told him no. He thought I was just joking about him being kicked out.

My GM tried for like 8 months to get me to date another coworker. He made jokes about giving him a raise so he could take me out to dinner.

I do not think my GM knew I was very gay.

The coworker did not take me out to dinner.

The one drunk college student from Germany who I made friends with in the breakfast room, and his significantly less drunk friend.

they both said trans rights, i’m still crying

Drunk men are assholes. Drunk women are godsends.

One night, a lady told me my eyes were pretty, and when I had to help her to the door, she called me gorgeous and said I smelled nice.

her friends were so embarrassed

i forgot how to speak

That same night, a drunk guy said he hated his wife and that he hated me too after calling me an asshole. His wife came in after he said this. I felt bad for her.

Occasionally people would stop at the front desk on their way back from the gas station, and would come bearing gifts of usually drinks. It was always nice.

one time a guy offered me weed brownies

i declined because i was worried about

The guy who stopped at the front desk to ask where the nearest Starbucks was, because his girlfriend wanted a frappuccino, and he was gonna get her one so she could have it in bed.

He came back as I was clocking out.

His girlfriend had dumped him on his way back.

I felt really bad, because this man had peak “dumb of ass but chugs respecting women juice” energy.

Incidentally, I got a free Starbucks frap.

Someone was convinced I was colorblind because I told him that I thought his blue cup was neat.

It was a purple cup.

i did not know how to tell him i was not colorblind, i am just an idiot

Our GM moved to Texas and we didn’t see him for like a year. He was the GM of 2 other hotels. Apparently, he said he was living at all three.

Some dude came into the hotel once night. I tried talking to him. He started signing. I do not know sign, and apologized, and then grabbed a paper to write back and forth with him.

The man made me learn fingerspelling and we instead did this back and forth.

I thought nothing of this, and he came by a few times to chat with me, albeit incredibly slowly.

During shift change, he came in again. I explained to my relief that he only signed. He nodded, and then told me that he had been “healed by a grace act of God, and could now hear and talk.”

He then tried to tell me to come to church to celebrate this miracle.

He told me he was actually fine. He was just choosing to learn ASL and wanted me to participate for the “immersion of it all”, so that I might “find the lord and accept him once more into my heart”.

yes, this was in fact, some white person bullshit

Also in line with white people bullshit, the guy who said he could tell I had a strained relationship with my half-sister but a good relationship with my youngest sister, that my father would recover from the divorce, and that my engagement would be fine. He said it was because I was a Leo cusp, and then said that Kimberly was a good name for me and that I chose well.

i am not a leo. i was born in december

i have no sisters

i have never been engaged

my parents are (somehow) still married

i was wearing a nametag. angeles does not sound or look anything like kimberly

They sold the hotel last year to new owners. Nobody knew until an email got sent out that said we “probably would still have our jobs”.

I argued with my new manager about a raise. He didn’t want to give it to me. I told him he had to, because I was working minimum wage, and the minimum wage had gone up.

the AAA guy who was a real big dick when I asked him to repeat himself and joked about women being bad at jobs.

He asked me if there were any discounts. I refused to give him any, because we had none for him.

He asked if I knew if there was any discount that would make him stop asking me stupid questions. I sighed and said “No, but god I fucking wish there was.”

Tonight, a lady asked me what our beta fish’s name is. I don’t know. She decided to name him Benny, and then asked me to come up with a name. I panicked and said Soap. This was apparently the right answer, because she nodded sagely and said I chose wisely.

[marvelmando]

history {p. parker x reader}

suggested by @justbetomholland!

notes: hello, it’s currently 3 o’clock in the morning; i’m operating on a total of 8 hours out of the last 48, but everything’s fine! i’m fine! i’m bored! and i was graciously given the suggestion of numbers 28 and 6 from my dialogue prompt list just as i was contemplating forcing myself into a deep sleep under (at least) 10 mg of melatonin, but i decided hey! id rather write! and if anyone else is a writer, you know what i mean when i say when inspiration hits, you go along with it. so here i am, and here is this (probable) mess. i hope you enjoy x.

**also, why do you guys always ask for angsty prompts??? not that im complaining, but sometimes a girl just wants to write a fluff piece!

based on:

6. “You just got stabbed and you wanna know if I’m okay?!”

28. “I’m only good at three things: making ridiculous science puns, laughing at inappropriate times, and making some bomb-ass snickerdoodles. None of them will help me with this.”

from this prompt.

warning: if you couldn’t determine from one of the prompts, this will obviously contain some blood and a little gore.

Sometime around the seventh grade, you were introduced to Peter Parker. You didn’t remember much from the encounter, but you do remember the eruption of bubbles in your stomach like you’d just inhaled a can of soda. That feeling persisted for the solid part of the next three and a half years when you finally admitted to yourself you had a crush on him.

Of course, not long after that, you asked Peter on a date. (You never were really good at suppressing your emotions; once you realized your feelings for him, it was only a matter of time before you confronted him with them.)

Nearly three months later, and you and Peter were still going strong, and it hadn’t been an easy journey of friendship that led to the sticky-sweet romance of adolescence. Between Peter losing Ben and acquiring his powers, you were well-versed in the practice of supporting your best-friend through some of the most challenging parts of his young life.

Incidentally, you were the first to discover his secret second-life, after catching him experimenting with the creation of his web fluid, only weeks after he was bitten by the radioactive spider. You hadn’t seen him in three weeks, after taking a vacation with your family and being swamped by make-up work. You’d barged into his bedroom, troubling homework in hand, only to find a freshly-muscular Peter hunched over the complete disarray of chemistry equipment strewn about his desk.

He didn’t have many excuses for what he was doing, or why he’d gained thirty pounds of muscle in twenty-three days.

He didn’t talk to you for weeks after it happened, only finally opening up about it the night Ben died, when he was feeling angry and hurt and misguided. After that, you became his go-to about everything Spider-Man, even helping him create his first suit made of a sleeveless sweatshirt he found at Goodwill, and a baggy pair of your old blue sweatpants and matching sweater (that were, decidedly, not at all baggy on him).

You distinctly remember the first time he came to you after a particularly rough mugging, in which his chest was marred with deep gouges from a switchblade and he refused to go to the hospital to treat them.

“I can’t, Y/N, what the hell would I say?” Peter had wheezed as you ushered him to your bed, where you’d hastily thrown some towels down before assessing the wounds. “‘Sorry, I was trying to web up this criminal but he caught me by surprise when I realized I’d run out of web fluid’?” He’d hissed when you’d peeled back his bloody sweatshirt (thank God it was red, you remembered thinking). “‘Oh, and don’t worry if the bruise on my eye heals within ten minutes, I also happen to have enhanced regenerative’ - fuck!”

You’d pressed into his wound to stop the blood flow, but also to get him to stop talking. “Peter,” you had snapped, feeling overwhelmed and marginally light-headed by the sheer amount of blood pouring from the gashes. “I can’t do this! I’m - you - I can’t -”

He must’ve seen how white you’d gone, noticed how frightened you were when the words sounded strangled in your throat. “Y/N, there’s no one else.” Despite the obvious pain shining in his eyes, his voice was calm and steady, soothing your frazzled nerves. “You can do this; I trust you.”

You had narrowed your eyes at him, nerves turning into disbelief. “Pete, you don’t understand - I can’t. I would, but I - I can’t just... sew you up!” You said incredulously. “I’m only good at three things: making ridiculous science puns, laughing at inappropriate times, and making some bomb-ass snickerdoodles. None of them will help me with this.”

Peter’d just let out a strangled laugh. “You do make some wicked snickerdoodles.”

You smiled, forgetting yourself in the memory.

“Y/N?” Peter wheezed from where he lied down on your bed, clutching his abdomen. Your eyes snapped down to him, startling into frantic movement again as the anxiety seeped in again. “Y/N, are you okay?”

“You just got stabbed and you wanna know if I’m okay?!” You breathed out a nervous laugh, pressing the towel into the wound.

“It’s not that bad - shit.” The curse slipped as you poured an obscene amount of hydrogen peroxide where the blood had started to dry. Your eyes flicked up to his, amused and haughty. Examining the wound once more, you turned to retrieve the fully-stocked emergency kit you kept in your dresser at all times.

You wiped away the blood, pleased that the stab wound was shallow and had ceased bleeding. “I don’t know why you don’t just go to Mr. Stark, surely he has medics on his team that could fix you up ten times better than I could - and you wouldn’t have to say a word about how you got it.”

When you looked into his eyes, they were warm and smiling, despite the pain he was in. He pushed back the baby hairs framing your forehead with a gloved hand, the strands persistent in the way they always seemed to stick out straight from your head. He did that a lot, and it was one of your favorite things he did, the movement automatically soothing you as you instinctively leaned into his palm, warm even through his suit. You distantly worried if his hand was covered in blood, but you tended to get pretty messy whenever you had to patch him up, and it was nothing a shower couldn’t fix. You focused instead on the adoration shining in his chestnut eyes, dimmed by the darkened room but shining bright with love nonetheless.

“Why would I, when I’ve got you?” Peter said, his voice soft and mellow. You could he was beginning to lose awareness, and you pressed gently on the wound to rouse him.

“Uh, uh, I need you awake for the stitches, mister.” You admonished, grabbing the needle and medical thread you’d... borrowed from the hospital you volunteered at. (After nearly two years of Peter coming to you to get his battle wounds mended, you became increasingly invested in the medical field, and were planning on pursuing a medical degree.)

You replaced your soiled disposable gloves, sanitizing and threading the needle with a practiced hand. Your eyes traveled to the scar from that first time, noting with a critical eye how uneven the scar looked, as your hands shook terribly as you followed along to a YouTube video detailing how to stitch a wound.

“Yes, ma’am.” Peter’s voice was pained.

“You ready?” You asked, lowering the needle to the wound.

When he didn’t answer, you looked up at him. He had paled slightly, eyes wide and frantic, and you could tell his breathing had quickened. He’d never really gotten used to stitches, and you knew he was worse with deeper wounds.

Leaning forward, you pressed a solid kiss to Peter’s lips. He froze, still distracted by the pain and nerves, but almost immediately melted into the kiss, softening the press of his lips against yours. You pulled back slightly, and gently kissed his lower lip, moving to his cheek, pressing slow, soft kisses as you moved across his face.

Finally, you stopped with a peck to the tip of his slightly-crooked nose. Leaning back just enough to look at his entire face, you smiled fondly when you saw how relaxed he looked. He returned the smile, and you pressed one last lingering kiss to the center of his forehead, lips dampened and tasting slightly of salt from the sweat beading there. You wanted to cradle his cheek, but you knew better than to contaminate your gloves any further that they most likely were.

“I love you.” You told him, and even though it wasn’t the first time, Peter’s eyes simultaneously softened and brightened, just as strongly as they had when you did.

“I know,” he replied cheekily, his voice roughened. A grin broke out on your face, head shaking at the reference.

“Ready?” You poised the needle at the wound, waiting for him to nod.

He didn’t hesitate this time. “I trust you.”

With the familiar phrase, you set to work.

[prorevenge]

Made these kids work for 9 months for NOTHING!

Okay so a little background before I start my story.

My name is Patrick. I am 18 years old and I’m an Eagle Scout. To get Eagle in my troop you have lead a 50 mile hiking or canoeing trip which typically lasts a week or more. For my leadership I got a long three week trip to Alaska (which is pretty substantial since we live in a city that borders Mexico.) One week for hiking, one for canoeing, and one for touring. This requires we start planning at least 9 months in advance. I am one of two main leaders for this trip and there is one assistant leader to help us.

I’ve changed their names for privacy reasons.

Andy - The other main leader on the trip going for Eagle.

Robert - The assistant leader assigned to help us.

Mr. Sammy - My scoutmaster.

Let’s start from the beginning. Since the trip is in June - July we start planning in August - September. We start out pretty smooth. Andy and I get an idea of who’s going and how much the trip will cost per person while Robert manages payments and some paperwork. Things are good. Later on we start to lose track of our work and get lazy (since the trip is like 8 months away). So Mr. Sammy starts laying into us calling us a bad leadership team.

This is where my battle with Andy and Robert begins.

For some reason unbeknownst to me Andy and Robert decided it was my fault the leadership team had temporarily fallen apart. They team up and decide it’s Me vs Them (which is a really bad way to approach this trip). They don’t talk to me and hide things from me. When I do paperwork they decide not to take it and do it themselves. Whenever Mr. Sammy gets mad about ANYTHING they instantly look for a way to pin the blame on me.

I decide rather than fighting with them I try to reach out and communicate to maybe save the Alaska trip dream team. That didn’t really work. Every single time I talk to them Robert decides to lash back at me for minor things being as rude and condescending as possible. Andy (who hasn’t done anything for the trip) just stands behind him with his thumb up his ass. Keep in mind most of this occurs over text. After I’ve reached out as much as possible I decide “okay motherfuckers. You wanna fight? I’ll fight.” But not in the way you’d think.

Flash forward to maybe 4 months before the trip. Up to this point Robert has done most of the paperwork (since he was deliberately hiding it from me) and has managed all of the payments while Andy has been standing around with his thumb up his ass doing whatever Robert says. Mr. Sammy looks at me like I’m a bag of shit left on his front porch.

This is where the fun begins.

As soon as I get the chance I take all of the up to date paperwork from e-mail to Mr. Sammy from Robert and copy it to my computer. After that I see that the excel documents this kid has made are a TOTAL clusterfuck so I reformat them and update the information to look really uniform and pretty (even if your document is full of bullshit having it look pretty is half the battle). From this point on the paperwork is in my control. I send and e-mail to Mr. Sammy with the subject “UPDATED ALASKA PAPERWORK (insert date)”. From that point on the old man only excepts my copy which Robert and Andy don’t have. Even if they download it from my email I make sure to be the one who updates it and emails it first. I copy my two “partners” on every single email to Mr. Sammy just to say “look at me”.

From that point on I control all of the paperwork. Payments, IDs, the roster, the tip calendar, everyone’s contact info, etc. I have it all under lockdown and make sure Mr. Sammy knows it in every email I send him.

The problem is now that when anything goes wrong there’s even more of a reason for Robert and Andy to verbally assault me and put all the blame on me. But I have my battle plan. I just play it cool. Everything Robert says I just answer “okay, is that all?” And when he’s done I say “thanks for the feedback I’ll keep that in mind.” I’ll give you an example of one of these conversations.

Me: (to a group chat with Andy and Robert) okay guys I updated the roster and other stuff. Robert has anyone else made a payment recently?

Robert: Maybe.

Me: Maybe?

Robert: You’re missing a lot of info on the payment roster. This kind of carelessness is going to cost me my leadership and I won’t stand for it.

(at this point I think “that’s why I’m asking you this dip shit” but I keep cool)

Andy: I agree.

(“As always” I think)

Me: Thats too bad. Would you update me on those payments so I can get it updated?

Robert: I guess. he then gives me all the payment info I need

Me: Thanks Robert! 😄

These conversations always made me want to rip my hair out, but by playing it cool and keeping calm and being nice I never really gave them any reason to go after me. Now they don’t have anything to give to Mr. Sammy to make me look bad. Just them being rude to me while I say things like “Thanks Robert! 😄”

This ended up making the two so mad that they spent most of their time trying to make me look bad and trying to make me mad that they didn’t spend any time working on the planning for the trip. This was fine by me even though I had to play attrition with these guys every night for months over text message. All I cared was that I was looking good, and I was. They weren’t which made them even more mad.

When it comes time to distribute the food we need for the trip I also take that over not letting the other two touch it so they can fuck it up and blame it on me. To be fair I could’ve done a way better job at this but I did get the job done and we had all the food we needed for 2 weeks away from civilization (almost).

After 9 months of ripping my greying hairs out for having to deal with these two annoying pestering balls of hate we are finally flying from our hometown up to Alaska to go on this trip. Andy and Robert decide to sit back and blend in with the crowd of scouts in khaki uniforms which is perfect for me. I step up making it obvious that I was in charge and leading the scouts through each airport. When we land I make sure to get everyone dressed into their hiking clothes in the airport and packed for the hiking trip. (It was past midnight in the airport so no one was around to watch us change.) after that we take a bus to the trailhead.

At this point I have stepped up as much as I can for Mr. Sammy and he noticed pretty well. He also notices Robert and Andy blending in with the crowd not doing anything. I speculate that they probably didn’t want to associate with me because they expected me to mess up and didn’t want to be a part of that mess up. Jokes on them. I’m looking pretty good at this point.

1st day of hiking. We run into a problem. Two of these stupid younger scouts have forgotten they’re dehydrated meat so now we have to divide up the other meat but first have to figure out who has it (I didn’t keep good track of who had what food item which I’m willing to admit is my fault entirely). I notice that after like 36 hours of idleness Robert and Andy have sprung into action to document what food item EVERYONE is carrying. You might think I’d try to stop them but I just thought “hey they’re finally doing something.” I offered them my help multiple times which they refused so I simply sat back and watched.

After they documented everything they called me over to talk. I knew I was about to get a meaningless lecture from a pasty Jewish kid and his Mexican buddy short enough to be speedy Gonzales. It went down exactly as I thought it would. They told me basically...

“This is all your fault and you need to acknowledge that. You didn’t even help us fix it and you really need to start stepping up because you’re making US look bad.” They continued to go on bus that summarizes what the said.

I simply asked “is that all” and then went to bed. I could practically feel the heat from their foreheads as they got angrier and angrier.

To make a long story short I did really really well leading the hiking trip according to scoutmaster Sammy. After we had finished he came up to me and told me I’d done a great job. As far as he was concerned I had earned my leadership requirement for eagle but Andy hadn’t and Robert wasn’t doing well either. He asked me to supervise they’re leadership for the week long canoeing trip and week long touring section.

At this point I had them right where I wanted them. I knew Andy and Robert didn’t have what it took to lead a trip this big, so I sat back and watched them struggle. It was great.

The canoeing portion went awful. Andy and Robert broke our propane stoves on the first day! The food was awful and they never planned ahead one bit. I offered to help but always got turned down. I knew they would do that.

After canoeing came the touring part of the trip which went even worse.

For a portion of our touring trip we stayed in a public park in a small town. Andy and Robert decided it would be a grand idea to leave their stuff outside of their tents at night where anyone could see them. Come morning time and their backpacks were GONE! Not only did they lose their scout uniforms but also their cellphones and wallets! I acted like I cared but on the inside I was laughing my ass off.

Later we stayed in an army barracks in anchorage. Mr Sammy told Andy and I to get the scouts to bed by 10:00 but we both totally forgot. Come 10:20 I was doing laundry for everyone while Andy and Robert were messing around in a community room. People were laughing and playing cards and even showering. Mr. Sammy has just returned from dinner with an old friend and he was FURIOUS to find people still awake. I could hear him chewing out Andy in the hallway. He came into the laundry room and yelled at my friend and I.

“PATRICK! WHY ARE YOU TWO STILL AWAKE!”

“We are doing laundry for the scouts sir.”

“Oh... okay.”

AND HE WALKED OUT WITHOUT PAYING ME ANY ATTENTION! He then proceeded to chew out Andy harder and harder for letting people stay awake. He ended up getting all of the blame. Watching him get yelled at was like seeing fireworks in 1830. Beautiful.

Now, almost a year later, I am an Eagle Scout. In case you didn’t figure it out, Andy and Robert didn’t get credit for leadership on this trip. 9 MONTHS OF WORK DOWN THE DRAIN!!! Andy hasn’t even started writing up his eagle project (which is a ton of awful paperwork in my troop). He actually didn’t come to any meetings for like 2 months after the trip. Robert has been scrambling endlessly to make up for his lost leadership which is really fun to watch.

Now I just drive my brothers to the meetings on Tuesdays and get to watch the pair give me dirty looks. It honestly makes me feel ecstatic. 9 months of dealing with their bullshit every night and 3 weeks of taking it face to face in the woods and it was all worth it!

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Feel free to share this story anywhere.

(source) story by (/u/IF_RealTrap)

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Ronnie

Ali: [The day of but later] Ali: I convinced that man not to press charges or anything, the one that got involved Ali: so you don't need to worry about that Ronnie: wasnt Ronnie: tell someone who is Ali: 'course Ali: talking isn't the most useful thing for me to do right now so I'll pass Ronnie: go be useful then little girl Ali: I'm sorry he brought you Ali: that's fucked up Ronnie: course you are Ronnie: youre all well sorry now like Ali: For you, not myself, or ourselves Ronnie: no shit pity works with the rest of your brothers and sisters Ronnie: youre fucked up Ali: How so? Ronnie: show and tells over Ali: I hope it made you feel better Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: none of you give a fuck how I feel Ali: yeah I do Ronnie: wheres it been Ali: you're meant to wait for the kid to make the first move, that's rule #1 Ronnie: if you wanna play by the rules Ali: so I've lost points, that's fine Ali: you don't want us to care, right? Ronnie: the way your family is im almost old enough to be your ma Ronnie: bit fucking late yeah Ali: You do have a solid decade on her, yeah Ali: I'm a late bloomer, clearly Ronnie: ill leave it to her to be proud Ali: a big ask, but I'll survive without Ronnie: like I said Ronnie: fucked Ali: Yeah, a fair bit Ali: nothing to shout about, or that hasn't been now Ronnie: you wanted a first move Ali: It was a choice Ronnie: nah Ronnie: a reaction Ali: That too Ali: like I said, hope it was what you needed it to be? Ronnie: ask him Ali: you just did it for Joe? Ronnie: why else Ronnie: none of you mean shit to me Ali: but he does, yeah Ronnie: connect the dots Ronnie: I bothered to carve each one out Ali: I can tell he loves you Ali: do you love him Ronnie: hes that fucking soft Ali: you do Ali: alright, that's something Ronnie: fuck you youve known him all your life and you dont Ronnie: theres no telling me how I feel Ali: I don't know him or I don't love him? Ronnie: have it both ways Ronnie: he tells it either way Ali: I probably don't know him now Ali: I'll allow that Ali: that's how he wants it so you don't have to defend him like I'm saying I do Ali: or that I'll force it, when he's been so clear Ronnie: hes the last person I can be arsed to defend Ronnie: but no shit he gets everything he wants Ali: What were you after Ali: we disown him Ali: or strongarm him into rehab and therapy Ronnie: yeah Ive got everything crossed for sobriety Ronnie: fucks sake Ali: disowning then, he's done it to us Ali: it won't happen the other way 'round, sorry to say Ronnie: give him your fucking sorry Ronnie: he was the one begging me to ruin it all Ali: close enough that he should still be happy Ali: I'm not sorry for him Ali: I already said, he shouldn't have used you like that Ronnie: thats what happens theres no fucking 💘 and 🥀 Ali: no one deserves that Ronnie: I am no one Ali: You aren't Ali: don't have to be Ronnie: people like their junkies part time or useful or repentant Ronnie: fuck that Ali: that's not your whole gig Ronnie: you don't know shit Ronnie: youre not under my skin or in my head Ali: I know enough to know that's bullshit Ali: if anyone was just their addictions and vices, you wouldn't need them Ronnie: yeah youre the smart one Ronnie: he told me Ali: He's the one at the fancy arts school Ali: how does he reconcile that with being the junkie one Ronnie: youre 16 theres no uni thatd take you yet Ronnie: happy birthday for whenever the fuck it was Ali: Thanks Ali: about a month ago Ali: extend the invite next time Ronnie: dont Ronnie: I wont show Ali: you haven't heard how great my parties are yet Ronnie: I aint a childrens entertainer Ali: be cool if you were Ali: have a heart attack when you showed up Ronnie: next time I need a few quid ill try and remember Ronnie: make you proud of me Ali: probably leave that to Joe, and your friends and fam Ali: but I know how to make balloon animals so hmu Ronnie: course you do Ronnie: youre the target market for hippy crack Ali: awh Ali: how true Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: how long you been in the youngest ones adhd meds Ali: not really my thing Ali: need to calm my brain, not stimulate it harder Ronnie: 💔 Ali: how'd you know about that Ali: doesn't seem like the sort of pillowtalk he'd be about Ronnie: i was in care i know what an kid with adhd looks like Ronnie: and theyve tried to diagnose me as everything but a west little bastard Ali: he's shit scared right now Ronnie: be fucked if he werent Ali: yeah Ali: he doesn't really know Joe Ali: was like 4 when he went to Uni so Ali: proper boogeyman shit Ronnie: mckenna will love that Ronnie: real boner for the misery Ali: someone should get something out of it Ali: he can pay for his therapy later Ali: more meds, whatever Ronnie: ill tell him to put in his will Ali: try not to die Ronnie: itd be the ultimate misery boner Ronnie: why should he stop getting what he wants now Ali: yeah, you do love him Ali: but hate him too Ronnie: 💘🥀 Ali: Is he worth it? Ronnie: youre describing freckles and the princess you know that yeah Ronnie: me and her dont share every dysfunction Ali: Nah, they don't hate each other Ali: loads of other stuff, people Ali: very them vs everyone Ronnie: she hates that she needs him Ronnie: that he makes her soft Ronnie: close enough Ali: You reckon? Ali: Hmm Ronnie: first rule of tortured kids club Ali: it's why she loves him too Ali: you'd understand if her sister had been there Ali: she's got no one to make her soft, I tried but Ronnie: gutted she werent there then Ali: you wouldn't like her any more than she'd like you Ali: it'd be fitting, but no fun Ronnie: thats the fun Ronnie: I hate you all Ali: I see the appeal Ronnie: have a go Ronnie: hate me Ali: I see your appeal Ali: why would I hate you? Ali: Fraze does and he's having the least fun of all Ronnie: you see what you fucking wanna Ronnie: youd have to know me to know if I had any appeal Ali: Then I'm a spoilt hippy brat, as you like it Ali: you'd have to do worse for me to hate you Ali: not my MO Ronnie: not wasting another flight on it Ronnie: kill your own ma Ali: then I'm good for it Ali: sorry again Ali: you did what you set out to do, making me 💔 wasn't part of it Ronnie: stop fucking apologising Ali: it offends you? Ronnie: I did what mckenna cant do for his fucking self being a useless pussy from cradle to grave Ronnie: he is under my skin and in my veins like it or not Ali: yeah, and my apology is worth a damn when you've got problems that big Ali: alright, I won't say it no more Ronnie: if it was for me Id have done it at 10 14 fucking 18 even Ali: 'course, you got fucked over at birth Ali: no other straws needed Ali: his is more of a slowburn of bullshit Ronnie: yeah Ali: I don't know what he's told you, or how much you care about it Ali: but they've always been like it, Fraze too Ali: we have no idea and they went through so much more Ali: but Joe's only got 5 on me, so that says all you really need to know Ronnie: thats lads for you Ronnie: cant handle any pain unless they glorify it Ali: or co-opt it Ali: if you don't wanna be like them, tell him to get his own Ronnie: Im not like them thats why he likes me Ronnie: it aint my winning smile Ronnie: helps that I look like you and your ma course hes that sick Ali: He's hated them both ever since Bea came around, then when we moved her, like it was for her Ali: he's spoilt, like you said Ali: but I really think he is sick, too Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: were both sick Ali: yeah Ali: maybe you'll wanna get help someday Ronnie: for what Ronnie: theres no happy ever after here Ali: to not be sick Ronnie: nice try little girl Ronnie: not gonna get cured Ali: yeah, well has to seem better than sick Ali: that's a big ask Ali: I can't imagine not getting to do the drugs I do, and that's everyone Ronnie: it's like being in a relationship yeah sometimes it makes you feel good sometimes it dont Ronnie: cant fix shit though Ronnie: the rots too deep and its already set in Ronnie: long before I took a hit Ali: That's medication for you Ronnie: thats pain for you Ali: Yeah Ronnie: if I cant cut it out Ill cut her out of me Ronnie: her face outta mine Ali: It's DNA Ali: everything and nothing Ronnie: if she's in my blood ill spill it all Ronnie: theres fuck all point keeping it on the inside Ali: It's a waste of you Ali: the you that ain't her Ronnie: I am the waste Ronnie: ive had enough kids scraped out of me it aint hard Ali: She believed in the happily ever after you don't Ali: more fool her Ronnie: she got it Ali: she wanted it with you Ronnie: bullshit Ali: She did, she loved your biological dad, basically as many years as she'd been about Ali: she didn't just not get an abortion because she was scared Ronnie: she wanted it with him then Ronnie: I was along for the ride til I got dumped out Ronnie: if she wanted me id fucking be there Ali: she could've tried Ali: yeah Ali: you would've got taken away though Ronnie: so what Ali: just that, she wasn't allowed to keep you, she was a 14 year old with no parent, they'd have separated you and put you into different care homes Ali: happened to her friend Ronnie: I was a 14 year old with no parents either Ronnie: and a 4 year old Ronnie: 4 months Ronnie: however the fuck far back you wanna go Ronnie: I still found ways to get shit that I wanted Ali: Yeah, I know Ali: you had enough to eat and a bed with a roof over your head Ali: you wouldn't have if you'd had her, if that was even possible, somehow Ronnie: no I fucking didnt Ronnie: not always Ali: if you were in a home Ali: more than a squat where no fucker pays the bills or gets groceries over smack, you know the situation Ronnie: I know it helps her sleep at night Ronnie: this story Ali: you don't have to add it to your narrative if it fucks with your peace Ali: ask Joe Ali: if he reckons he remembers everything back in Liverpool, he'll remember Ronnie: I dont need to ask him cos his story is that she blinked and her life was so fucking sorted that she pushed a shit ton more kids out Ronnie: where the fuck was I Ronnie: nowhere Ronnie: youre my fucking replacement is why Ali: she could've got you when she got Bea and Ro Ali: I don't know how old you were then, 13? Ali: they might've said she was sorted enough, maybe Ali: it was more, this girl has been abused and you're a friend she trusts who is willing to foster her so let's shove her at you and get her out, it wasn't happy families Ronnie: no need when theres already loads of shiny white kids to mother and 2 less shiny to play saviour too Ali: I could ask Ali: I was a toddler, and it wasn't my bedtime story too, believe it or nah Ronnie: luck of the irish Ali: I'll take 50% Ronnie: her sob story is as fucking useless to me as mckennas misery boners are Ali: 💔 Ali: very convincing performance in that case Ronnie: fuck you Ali: why Ronnie: if you have to ask youre not listening Ali: I meant the part where you necked on with him Ronnie: why not Ali: 'cos his boners are a letdown, obvs Ronnie: I dont need him to make me feel good Ronnie: and he fucking wishes he could do as good of a job as the shit that does Ali: thank God Ronnie: he wanted the shock factor thats me baby Ali: assumed that was his intention Ali: he stopped showing up as himself ages ago though, that was, not more shocking but impactful, let's say Ali: if he wasn't so obviously out of it, he might've known that we knew Ronnie: he wanted to stop showing up full stop Ronnie: til he gets shipped back in a ⚰ Ronnie: and reckoned thatd be the final nail for you all us fucking Ali: and us younger ones are dramatic, hilarious Ali: who doesn't want to get away from home? Ali: Tommy has been since he was 11, Bea went to Cambridge, Ro will too, Fraze only didn't because Bea told him he wasn't allowed to follow her Ali: I'm planning on Singapore, myself Ronnie: hes too pussy to handle being away from me Ronnie: or what I get like when he isnt in my fucking face Ronnie: that bit wasnt about you lot as much like Ali: it's how it goes Ali: that's why people get knocked up, get married, get fabulous careers, so you can have an excuse for why you can't make this weekend, will try to pop in for this event but end up just sending a card Ali: it's weird it's you, of course, you're both sick, duh, but look at it objectively Ali: it's your version of 2.4 kids and a dog Ronnie: he dont want me to slit my own throat or anyone elses but his more fool him Ronnie: cant knock me up or marry me thank christ Ronnie: I like that the dog is smack thats well poetic Ali: I'll have a go at writing it Ali: if you want a null and void illegal wedding too, I'll write those vows and all Ronnie: ill stick it in a song if you want better than happy birthday Ronnie: fuck that i belong to no one Ronnie: theres loads more fun illegal shit to do Ali: you write songs too? Ali: just don't let Joe play cello on it Ali: if depression had a 🎵 Ronnie: id lose money if i begged with him Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: looks pathetic enough but thats all Ali: very child actor vibes, or rockstar's kid Ali: you had it all and you pissed it all the wall Ali: not here's a couple of quid for a warm cup of coffee and a sarnie, no Ronnie: i can see his face hearing that Ronnie: id have to take a brick to it Ali: yeah, he probably hates me Ali: not as much as Fraze, didn't have the toddler clout to make us move to Dublin, bit rude Ronnie: you're in his way Ali: of what Ronnie: 💉 Ali: that's his hangup Ali: like I said, no one is forcing him to do shit here Ali: guilt's part and parcel of 💚 and 💉 ain't it Ronnie: youre not telling me shit I dont know Ronnie: hes the one shitting himself hes gonna get chucked in rehab Ronnie: nobodys coming to take me nowhere Ali: I get it Ali: she's shit at turning up Ali: tell her to work on it Ronnie: do what you want Ronnie: far as sisterly advice what ive got is dont ask me for a shot unless youre after a habit Ali: lecturing ain't my gig rn, she loves a bit of it so honestly no need when her 🧠 will be full of the 💔 Ali: cheers, I'll stick to the just saying no of it all Ronnie: get the money up front when you are gigging Ronnie: and take care of the kid when you aint Ali: I will, I do Ali: he's got a few years to grow before I'm going anywhere Ronnie: yeah Ali: and my wife might stay and they're best friends Ronnie: she was the one trying to rival us for most high Ali: ✌💚💉 Ali: it was a party before you walked in Ali: which I'm aware was very much the idea Ali: can I give you a tattoo I'm good Ronnie: go ahead Ronnie: not gonna be here long like Ali: where do you wanna meet, my rig is way portable Ronnie: [a place nearby wherever they are cos god knows but I doubt Joe wants to see Ali and she aint gonna tell him that's where she's going LOL] Ali: 👍 Ali: about 25 on my 🚲 Ronnie: reckon i can stay alive til then

[justanothersadgirl95-blog]

Medical marijuana advocacy

First Tumblr post!

I created this account so I can voice what I need to without the inevitable backlash from family and peers.

Weed is a strange subject right now. It's sort of legal, but sort of not. Sort of criminal, maybe kind of decriminalized. It's still taboo even though a huge number of people use it. It's still frowned upon by mother's (mine haha), employers, law enforcement.

Hi, I'm Alex and I'm a pot head. I first smoked weed out of a tobacco pipe on a highway overpass, on a hot summer evening when I was supposed to be at a church fair down the street, when I was approximately 14 years old and the rest is history. Now I am a 24 year old functioning member of society. I'm a wife and mom of two incredible and intelligent kids. I go to work when I'm supposed to (mostly), I pay my bills and my taxes and I (sort of) uphold traffic laws.

I also smoke cannabis whenever I am conscious. I doubt that anyone knows the difference between sober and stoned me anymore. I enjoy it. I use it as a crutch for my clinical and sometimes debilitating depression. I use it when I get headaches or migraines, a stomach bug, unnecessary family drama, tired, awake, hard day at work, celebrating, you name it.

At the end of the day, I do not care what the laws are. I should but I don't. In my state, medical marijuana is legal, recreational is illegal, but has been decriminalized so I think all you will get is a fine if caught with it. I advocate for medical marijuana to be fully accessable as needed for many ailments, mainly centered towards cancer patients.

A few weeks ago I sat in a waiting room after a follow up appointment with my oncologist. I'm still clear, in case you are wondering. I sat there with my husband staring at a TV screen with a health information slide show playing. Eventually it came to a slide concerning nausea after treatment. And all the "suggestions" were Bull. Shit. Different foods to try, exercise, medication. I lol'd. Because let me tell you guys, after a few hours of sitting in a chair with an IV in your chest receiving chemotherapy nicknamed "red death" (due to its bright red color before injection, when you pee it out, and simply because the side effects SUCK,) you don't want to eat, you cannot exercise, and you've already pumped every kind of pharmaceutical into your body desperately trying to relieve the sickness.

When I was 18 years old, freshly graduated from high school with a 6 month old on my hip, I was diagnosed with cancer. My mom was super proactive and got the ball rolling immediately. Just the year before, I saw my father die from cancer. I thought I had some preparation for how I'd feel after treatment. I was wrong.

The first treatment, I cried when they inserted the giant needle into the medi port in my chest. More because I was scared than because of pain. They told me I probably wouldn't feel any side effects until the next day so I finished the treatment a little dazed, but continued on to the grocery store with my mom. We tried to buy food for when I got hungry. I started feeling the weight of the world on me. A feeling I can only describe as poison taking over your body. Nausea. Oh the nausea. I went home and slept for two to three days. Only opening my eyes for water and medication. It. Was. Torture. Id never felt so bad in my life. I never imagined feeling so bad. Ever. And when I finally woke up, I looked my mom in the eyes and told her I couldn't do this. So told me I had to.

So off to the next treatment I went two weeks later (every other week.) This time we added additional nausea medications to my IV before treatment. Same results. I was asleep for a few days. When I finally woke up, my husband (fiance at the time) suggested we go search for food I'd be able to stomach. We drove off, he pulled out a blunt for me to smoke, I was scared to try it, feeling as awful as I did. But then the nausea started to lessen. I wasn't in such a "brain fog". I. Was. Hungry. AND I was able to eat and keep down just about anything I wanted. I was amazed. I was thankful. I was going to get through this.

So the next appointment, my husband took me. He held my hand during treatment, packed me into the car afterwards, drove off and again, handed me a blunt. And again, I felt okay. I felt.. definitely better since the last round. After that, I smoked weed as needed. Which was frequently. The chemo was Hell. But instead of being in a coma for three days, then days of sickness afterwards just trying to recover, I would bunker down for two to three days, use the pot as needed and THEN I WAS ABLE TO GO ABOUT MY LIFE FOR THE NEXT WEEK AND A HALF UNTIL THE NEXT TREATMENT. I mean, holy shit. It was like night and day, the difference cannabis made during all of that.

This stuff is the reason I made it. This stuff is the reason I was able to function like I did. I was able to be a mom and a daughter and a partner. I was able to live.

And then I realized that this shit, weed, ganja, pot, cannabis, MJ, the devil's lettuce, is not available to every cancer patient out there. There are still states where this is illegal.

Wait until you read what I am about to type next.

Because of lack of education and the unfortunate stigma against marijuana use, people who really need this shit, people going through chemotherapy, do not have regular and full access it. Everywhere.

It's insane really. Something so simple, easily grown, can make such a difference. THIS is what should be playing on the slide shows in the cancer centers. This is what we should be educating our family and friends on when they get sick. This, marijuana, is hope when there doesn't seem to be any.

Be open minded. Educate yourself. Pass it along. You never know who it could help.

[atmilliways]

Are you still doing the prompt thing? If so can you do 46 please?

I am always and forever doing the prompt thing, gentle reader. Sorry for taking so long. 

(prompt meme)

This one is “Nathan, baby.” I’ve actually written something for this before, which you can read here if you like, but here’s something fresh off the top of my brain as well. In other news, this was originally going to be a different pairing, but it, ah… took a turn. In other other news, Skwisgaar is a sex addict and no one is surprised. 

–

When Toki first joined the band, they all figured he was the youngest out of all five of them. He was scrawny, kind of high-voiced, and relentlessly optimistic. It was the natural assumption. Even Toki had thought that. Then it came out — at some point after their new manager had tracked down Toki’s birth certificate and obtained things like a work visa and valid passport on his behalf — that he was born in late March. Which would have been fine. Except… Nathan had been born in May. Of the same year. The jokes were relentless, and there wasn’t really anywhere he could go in their shitty shared apartment to escape them. Doesch baby want hisch bottle?Mine eyes ams older then yours, can you reads what dats say to me?Dood, I’m gonna have ta see some ID before I letcha have this. Yous, kid! Gets off my lawn!You’re the youngescht, you get up and do it. So, whens am you olds enough to drink legalies?Jest call me Grandpa! … Wait, no, don’t do theat. I’m drunk. … Sonny. Nathan hadn’t wanted to strangle a group of guys to death more since he’d made the varsity football team at fourteen and the older boys had singled him out for hazing. And the most unfair part of it all was that when he confronted Offdensen — whose fault all of this obviously was — in his swanky corner office in the nice part of the business district, the guy wouldn’t let him throttle so much as one of the bastards. “We, ah, can’t afford to miss any performances this quarter,” Charles explained patiently, “and, well, giving any of your bandmates a beating might injure their arms or hands, rendering them unable to play. Crystal Mountain won’t appreciate their newest signed band having to postpone their first official tour.”Nathan growled in frustration. Charles raised an eyebrow. “I could… speak to the rest of the guys on your behalf, if you want.”“No! That’ll just make it worse.” Nathan slouched angrily into one of the chairs in front of the desk. “Fuck. Who cares if I’m younger than Toki? It’s only by a month and a half, and I’ve done way more shit than that fucktard. Did you know we had to explain what sex was to him a couple weeks ago? He didn’t even know.”“I see.” Pausing only to jot down a note for later on a post-it, Charles folded his hands and regarded the frontman seriously. Which Nathan appreciated, because Charles wasn’t giving him any crap or just saying something dismissive and waving him off so he could get more work done. “Perhaps it would help to brainstorm some, ah, ways you might demonstrate that being the youngest doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be taken seriously.”Nathan blinked. “Uh… okay. Well… I’m the leader, right? Dethklok is my band.”“Yes, that’s one point,” Charles said. “But that might be a little on the abstract side. Best to play to your strengths, Nathan.” “You just told me I couldn’t punch or tackle anybody!”“First of all, not exactly. I told you not to punch and tackle your band mates in order to facilitate solving this particular problem, at least for now.” Charles inclined his head just a bit. “Secondly, that would be too easy. You are by far in the best physical condition out of anyone in Dethklok — although remind me to have a conversation with you about the results from your most recent liver panel, once this has been resolved.”Maybe it was shallow, but Nathan perked up a little at the compliment, while at the same time tuning out that bit about his liver completely. “You think so?”Charles nodded and steepled his fingers. “Absolutely. Toki is probably the next strongest, but he’s still recovering from the effects of malnutrition and a few other downsides of living on the streets.”Nathan found himself nodding in agreement. “Yeah, he keeps complaining about those rabies shots. I mean, it’s just a shot, why does he have to be such a pussy about it? I wish I were at risk for rabies, fucking brutal…” “Yes, well.” Charles gave him a perfunctory smile. “I wouldn’t know about that. But I hope this little chat has helped and that, ah, we should be able to stay on schedule for the upcoming tour?”It was pretty clear after that that Charles had work he wanted to get done, so Nathan left. He walked back to the apartment, hands in his pockets, idly mulling over some ideas for a song about getting bitten by a bat and turning into a rabid vampire while knowing he probably wouldn’t do anything with it. What Charles had said in his office had made sense to Nathan, at the time. The longer he walked, though, the more dissatisfied he felt. Advice was all well and good, and getting compliments on his physical prowess was a decent bonus, but it didn’t actually settle anything. So he couldn’t actually hurt any of the guys — that was fine, he could figure out some way around that. He just had to beat them at something. Maybe even just one of them. … Toki. Toki was new, the weak link. All Nathan had to do was prove he was the crybaby. Once was probably all it would take to cement that reputation with the rest of the guys forever. When he finally reached the apartment, he was disappointed to see that the van was gone. They’d pooled their money, back before they’d really had any, and bought one of those white vans that only perverts owned — there had been a token effort to repaint the thing black, except they’d put Murderface in charge of getting paint and he’d gotten the wrong kind, so it looked even shittier but in a dull, lumpy kind of way. But the thing still ran, on a good day, and getting it to start usually meant celebrating with a bar crawl. Which was kind of a bummer to be left out of, but Nathan figured that at least it gave him more time to come up with a plan to take Toki down a notch. Maybe if he started scribbling down ideas in his trust notebook, something good would jump out at him. When he let himself into the dingy three-bedroom, he heard something. A soft, rhythmic squeaking. Heavy breathing… Two sets of heavy breathing. Nathan rolled his eyes in annoyance. It wasn’t exactly unusual for Skwisgaar to stay home and invite a skank (or three) over for some fun while the rest of them were out, but he and Nathan shared a room. He knew from experience that whatever the guy had going on in there could take hours. Better to just barge in with his eyes screwed mostly closed to avoid seeing anything that might scar him for life, get his notebook, and get the the hell out. Ideally without tripping over any discarded granny panties like last time. Ugh. Or maybe it would be someone young and actually still hot… It was a toss-up, really. You never knew with Skwisgaar.He put one hand on the doorknob, the other over his eyes, and bellowed, “Skwisgaar, I’m coming in!”Three things happened immediately. Nathan pushed the door open with a little too much emphasis, sending it against the adjoining wall with a bang. It bounced back and he caught it with both hands to keep from getting smacked in the face. Skwisgaar, with a yell of “WAITS,” tried to jump up and lunge for the door, but got his feet tangled in the blanket. He ended up rolling off the bed and landing on the floor with a hard thud. Toki shrieked and grabbed for a pillow to hide his naked chest. For a moment, there was nothing but deep, awkward silence as Skwisgaar picked himself up and sat on the edge of the bed with the blanket covering his lap. “What…” Nathan looked back and forth between the two guitarists, before finally settling his glare on the lead. “… the FUCK, Skwisgaar! What did I fucking tell you? No screwing anyone who’s in the band! That’s how your last seven bands ended up breaking up!”“Knowds I shouldn’t had tells you dat,” the Swede grumbled under his breath. “And you!” Nathan jabbed an accusatory finger in Toki’s direction. “What the hell are you doing, covering yourself up like a damn girl? You don’t have tits!”“Sorries,” Toki squeaked. He did not release his death grip on the pillow, or lower it even slightly. Nathan pinched the bridge of his nose, unconsciously mimicking something his mother had always done whenever she was particularly exasperated with him. “And god, don’t even get me started on how fucking gay this is. This is really going to fuck with the band dynamics.”“Pft, no it won’ts,” Skwisgaar said dismissively. “We’ve already beens fucking for a weeks and none of yous jackoffs notice, no big deals. Besides—” He smirked. “—I don’ts remembers no complaints to suckings yous off dat one times.”Toki’s eyes widened even further, and he stared at the frontman with a cross between nervous solidarity and mild jealousy. Through the roar of blood rushing to his face, Nathan wondered if it was possible to open your eyes so wide that your eyeballs just fell right out of their sockets. “That’s… different,” he mumbled. “We were both really drunk, so it didn’t count. And… I didn’t realize you remembered. That.” Just thinking about it, to his continued embarrassment, sent some of his blood rushing south as well. Drunk or not, that had been a pretty good night. “Well I does, so whats?” Skwisgaar shrugged, his long blond hair clinging slightly to his sweaty skin. Whatever he and Toki had been doing before Nathan had barged in, he must’ve been really into it. “You had never hads your cock sucks by a guy, and little Tokis here never hads sex with anothers porsons evers. Now you both has. No big deals, you don’t gots to be a bigs baby abouts it.”The word baby made Nathan’s eye twitch, and he was one hundred percent sure that was intentional. Part of that insight was gut instinct; the rest was the way Skwisgaar licked his plush lips and winked lasciviously. Nathan knew he was being manipulated, but it was working anyway. By the time he kicked the door closed behind him he already had his sleeveless t-shirt over his head and onto the floor. “Anyones here ever dones de threesome befores?” Skwisgaar asked with a shit-eating grin. “Noes? Well, pays attentions, school ams in session—”Nathan reached the older man’s bed and shoved him down flat on his back, landing across Toki’s lap. That took care of the leer. He straddled Skwisgaar’s hips and barely had to press down to feel his arousal pushing up beneath the blankets. Toki must have seen it too, because he let out a gasp and followed Nathan’s lead, grabbing for Skwisgaar’s wrists to pin his hands above his head. The younger guitarist looked up at Nathan with an earnest puppy dog look. He really just wanted to fit in and be accepted. Nathan, flushed with pleasure at coming out on top in this situation both literally and figuratively, magnanimously gave him a nod of approval before turning the majority of his attention back to the struggling Swede. “You’re not in charge here, Skwisgaar,” Nathan growled, putting more of his weight on him to prevent any real squirming around. He was starting to regret not taking his jeans off yet — what little movement the trapped guitarist could manage was targeted and stimulating — but there would be time for that soon. Right now he had a point to prove. In fact… He’s the weak link, Nathan realized with a feral, triumphant grin. Skwisgaar, not Toki. Of course! Offdensen had even said it, Toki would probably be among the strongest of all of them once the malnutrition wore off. Murderface was borderline scrawny but the guy bounced back from most things like a rubber ball and always had a knife on him, and Pickles was small but scrappy, and claimed to know twenty-two different ways to kill a man with a broken bottle. But Skwisgaar, his default approach to life was fucking. His libido was legendary, but it was also his weak spot. Anyone who’d ever been within fifty feet of him on the rare occasion a girl took off and left him with blue balls knew that. Making him submit would get him and Toki both to shut up about the whole baby thing, and the other two guys would get bored faster if they were the only ones making the jokes. Teeth still bared, Nathan leaned down and nipped at the pale skin connecting Skwisgaar’s neck and shoulder. He felt Skwisgaar suck in a sharp breath under him and, beneath that, Toki’s legs tensing. The kid was wound so tight that, Nathan realized belatedly, his erection was pretty much right in their faces… Time to see how far this situation could be pushed. Skwisgaar’s eyes widened as Nathan grabbed his chin between one thumb and forefinger. That other time they’d messed around, it hadn’t been anything more than straight-to-business pleasure, and he could tell Skwisgaar was wondering if some sort of kiss was about to happen. It was tempting — just to mess with him, of course, of course, what kind of guy would Nathan be if he admitted to himself that kissing was more than just a means to get ladies to agree to have sex — but no. He turned the blond’s mouth towards Toki and gruffly ordered, “Suck it.” And although Skwisgaar rolled his eyes, his pupils dilated at the command, and he did as he was told. Toki’s head hit the shitty plywood headboard with a thunk. Fuck, Nathan thought as he watched Skwisgaar go to town, rolling into the task with gusto. He really, really wishing he’d taken his jeans off earlier. Last time he hadn’t exactly been in a position to, you know, watch, but he remembered how good those lips had felt.

Nathan scrambled back up onto his knees on the edge of the bed and yanked on his zipper so hard it nearly came off, but holy shit it was a relief. For a moment he got lost in just watching and just palming himself through the front of his tented boxers, but then Toki whimpered. What a baby, Nathan thought, and that reminded him of the increasingly forgettable point of all this. He scrambled off the bed to shuck both his pants and boxers in one go, and sat next to Toki at the head of the bed. Skwisgaar was kind of in the way, but Nathan just threw his legs over the guy and used his bony-ass hip as a leg rest. Then he grabbed the rhythm guitarist’s hand and shoved it towards his cock.

The hand gripped, and Nathan groaned. In this, it seemed, Toki needed little to no instruction, presumably because he’d been practicing this particular activity on himself for longer than he’d known what to call it. No willing to be outdone, a second later Skwisgaar’s hand was there too, taking over any of Nathan’s length that needed attention. The frontman even couldn’t muster any shits to give when Toki’s head thumped down on his shoulder, mouth turning wetly against his skin to muffle the squeaky little sounds that Skwisgaar was wringing out of him, or when Skwisgaar started grinding against the backs of his thighs. It felt too good, too warm, too temporary to bother with second thoughts, and he really hadn’t ever had a threesome before.

Maybe this was something to look into doing more often… With, uh, chicks, of course. Obviously. It didn’t take long after that. Toki came with a choked cry into Nathan’s hair, his grip spasming just right to bring Nathan to the edge but disengaging as he slumped bonelessly in the other direction. Nathan growled and groped blindly until he found a handful of blonde hair and tugged Skwisgaar’s obliging mouth over to finish. He felt immensely pleased with himself for managing to turn an otherwise aggravating day around, with very little resistance or backtalk from the other two men. That was real leadership. Nathan’s last thought before he went over the edge was that if anyone was a big gay baby it was probably Skwisgaar, for being so into sucking cock. And for swallowing both times. And getting off to it into his own hand. Nathan waited a few minutes to get his breath back, then languorously got to his feet. He surveyed the battlefield of tangled sheets, strewn pillows, and sweaty, limp guitarists with a warm glow of dominance and superiority, then left without comments to take a shower. It wasn’t until he was under the hot spray and working some 2-in-1 shampoo into his hair that he realized, none of them had the excuse of alcohol to hide behind. He’d been basically sober — at least, as sober as anyone who’s breakfast had consisted of beer and potato chips could be — and he hadn’t smelled anything particularly strong on Skwisgaar or Toki’s breaths. So what did that mean? Shit, what if it happened again?After a moment of silent contemplation, Nathan shrugged and continued washing. As far as he was concerned, his problem was solved. Everyone would still be able to play for the tour, so Offdensen would be pleased, even though this probably hadn’t been what he’d had in mind when advising Nathan to use strength to his advantage. And however things went from this point, he sure as hell wasn’t going to let it fuck up his band.

[irl]

u know what time it is ;)

**traumadump

so this is gonna be a lot more milquetoast compared to the other one. more like teenage whiny bitching but yknow. we all deserve to have some teenage whiny bitching sometimes

my first serious relationship happened sometime near the end of highschool. i dont remember how old i was. tbh i dont even remember his actual name. now i just know him as ‘ten’ which is good enough to call him now

id only dated one other person before him. (technically there were a couple others but they were pedo online ones and idrc or remember much abt them smh). her name was fallon. she was my first girlfriend and honestly she was fine. 10/10 would try again. nothing rly bad happened there, i was just young and dumb and thought having a crush on someone else meant i was cheating on them and i felt bad LMAO i was like 13 or 14.

ten tho. ten was my first serious relationship. we had met through a mutual friend and we hit it off pretty quickly. i dont remember all that much about him if im gonna be real. we dated for almost a year but most of him is gone along w the rest of that time. i remember the “break up” quite vividly though. it wrecked me lmao

the only other thing i really remember is when i was finally able to give my dad a funeral ten years after the fact. we travelled down south. (im pretty sure arkansas. my mom told me when i moved here that my dad was buried near here. all this time i thought he was in texas and all lol). i remember staring up at the sky and watching the clouds while i sat in the passenger seat. told him i loved him like i love the clouds or smth. it was a nice moment, i was feeling nice all things considered.

the break up though. that shit Sucked. i remember, because it was one of the things that hurt the most about it, was that at some point we had had a conversation. he felt bad (? this conversation is fuzzy so some may be inaccurate or vague) about how he had broken up w an ex of his before. we ended up talking and i communicated that i would rather be broken up with directly, to just be told, i had severe abandonment issues and to just suddenly disappear would be the worst

i had actually told him that at least twice? maybe more? the way that we “broke up” is that i woke up one morning and went to message him on skype (lololol) and found he had blocked me. found he had blocked me on every platform we knew each other on. without so much as a word

our last conversation was about how much he’d been missing his dog bcos he was away visiting family for a couple months. it sucked. it felt like shit. it was my first major break up and it wasnt even a real break up lmao

he came back a few months later sometime that summer, messaging me via snapchat. i remember when i saw the message i was at work, it was like 3 am. i was sitting next to the ice machine in the back, slacking off like usual. idr exactly what he said to me but i remember first it hurt rly bad. then i got angry at him cos like lmao the audacity. he basically turned it all around and blamed me for it and dumbshit tried to make himself out to be the victim and the bigger man idk idr teenage bullshit i dont remember if i responded but i dont think i did

abandonment has been something ive had to deal with a lot. and it sucks. its made it hard to trust people, to open up. like really open up. at this point these dumb posts that i make are the only real ways i could ever get stuff like this out for anyone to see. it doesnt feel as serious. if they wanna read it they can but they can opt out whenever they want and id never ever know. theres no fear of rejection here. just apathetic observance.

idk who im writing this for. myself mostly im sure.

the longest time ive ever lived somewhere was around 7 years. in colorado. and even then we still had to move once near the end. i dont remember the ages and numbers anymore so i cant give an exact time. but that was the longest piece of stability i ever had. and i couldnt wait to get out

i think. at some point, instability becomes a comfort. when its all you know, having something there that feels permanent is terrifying. it feels like it can be taken away. when you get used to constantly living rolling with the punches, it feels dizzying to try to right yourself. to stand up straight.

when i moved into my first ever apartment that i signed a lease for, i bought a kitchen table for ten dollars from goodwill. i was able to get it home and lug it up to the second floor and into my house. i got it righted and placed where i wanted it to be and i was so proud of myself. later that night i had a breakdown over accumulating furniture.

i lived with my mom and dad. then they started fighting. i dont remember the timelines or chronological order. but i lived with my dad, then i lived at my (paternal) grandparents house. i lived with my (maternal) uncle and aunt. i lived with my (maternal) second cousin. i lived with my (paternal) aunt. i livef with my (unrelated) aunt and uncle. i lived with my mom. back with my (unrelated) aunt and uncle. back with my mom

we lived in an apartment. there was a girl i was friends with. we would go swim in the pool sometime. she lived with her dad and her skin was tan

we lived in a duplex on a culdesac. there was a girl and her brother nearby. i was best friends with them. i cant remember their names? last i heard the girls sibling is nonbinary? im not sure.

living with someone in the south. idk. it was a house. there was a girl nearby. her house had a lot of lush green. her cat? or dog? had babies. there was one they named dw for death wish because it kept trying to walk off the deck

one time my mom bought a house. there were a lot of kids i hung out with. they made it a game at one point to call each other while i was there to bad mouth me to prove that the others were awful and i shouldnt be friends with them. i shouldntve been friends with any of them tbh. i just wanted friends in general

the friends arent trauma. im just walking thru what i can remember because i. yknow. the amnesia. sometimes walking through things helps me to remember more. i mean the snotty girls definitely werent great but yknow kids are mean they say crass things. i eventually got better friends

that was the only time my mom owned a home. my sister and i were real young, still in elementary school. we were kids and had messes. my mom never taught us how to clean just told us to go do so. so she was mad that we were kids and had messes. one day she took everything i had and everything my sister had and locked it into one room and put me and my sister as well as a weeks worth of clean clothes for the each of us into the other room. she took away every comfort item we had. she changed the locks to one that needed a key. we stayed minimalist kids for a while after that.

that kickstarted a hoarding disorder that ive since gotten 10000% better about. hoarding already ran in our family and so did paranoia disorders. she did things like that regularly. she would target my stuffed animals specifically. once i remember she barged into my room with big black trashbags and took every single stuffed animal and stuffed them in. including the Special One stuffed animal. she took him right from my hands. i sobbed at her to stop and i watched as she threw them all into our garbage and wheeled it out to the street for the collector the next day. she dragged me back in by the arm and forced me back to my room to go to bed.

now that sucks huh

anyway she didnt actually throw them out. she went and got them back but that doesnt erase what happened now does it? thats why i dont like the shitty bullshit ass pranks people pull on their partners like “i pretend to cheat on my partner” or “i break up with my partner as a prank”. like lol just bcos at the end of the day the scenario was fake, it doesnt take away the fact that for however long it was kept up, you forced that person to live in a reality where it was explicitly real. she forced me to live in a reality for an entire night where she had taken the things that bring me the most comfort and safety feelings in my life, which she was well aware of which is why she targeted them so often, and destroyed them. that. broke fundamental trust in her in ways i cannot describe

when i left florida and landed in arkanas out of money my mom offered to take me back. she had been getting better. i basically cut contact with her for a while and then came back but only talked to her enough for her to just barely witness the awful things that happened in florida without her really being able to do anything at all lmao abd then i told her she needs to shape up or else im leaving altogether and that scared her enough to start becomjnt a better person for me for herself for my little sister. and shes grown a lot. when she offered for me to come back though, she demanded that i “just forgive [her] and stop being mad at [her].”

ive made it very apparent that im not angry with her and i dont hold what happened in my past against her beyond any reasonable extent and that it doesnt affect how i interact with her now, however there are many things that she did that i have to heal from and cope with. i havent told her in those words exactly but the sentiments have been repeated throughout various conversations

bearing that in mind. the demanding that i just forgive her. i become that kid again. the scared 9 year old kid whos dad died just a couple years prior whos been moved across the country countless times with countless people who inflicted varied but unique to the other trauma whos not been able to have a friend for more than a year or two at a time whos never had a stable support net whos lived in and out of poverty whos lived in and out of secure housing whos only “constants” has been his sister and his mom, one of which he fights with constantly (as siblings do constant bloodshed) and the other has not had a single healthy coping mechanism in her entire life and is slowly losing the ability to effectively sympathize with even her own children whos only real constants, real positive influences, has been tv and his stupid little plushies. the scared kid whos watching his mom take everything she knows he cares about and forces him to believe time and time again that this is really it that shes finally serious. shes scary when shes serious and she always somehow manages to be even scarier, which means shes even seriouser.

it sucks

i dont know if she did it. i dont wanna believe she did it. she says she didnt do it either. and i feel like if she knew i was questioning her it would demolish her. i dont wanna think she did it. that she pushed him.

i dont remeber who first told me that she did though. i know shes adamantly denied it to me. and i believe her. but god. sometimes i think about how violent shes been with me. what would stop her?

i dont think she pushed him. whats more likely is that they were just fighting and he tripped and went down the stairs. i dont remember it i was too young. i remember being told afterwards that while he was stuck on the stairs i went and got all my stuffed animals and surrounded him with them to make him feel better

thats what caused the dormant cancer to awaken. it was some kinda bone cancer. something about the fall and hurting his leg. i dont remember him much. it hurts to think about him. i wasnt that old when he died tho. i just know he was my best friend. he showed me more love than my mom ever has. its not her fault tho. she was raised to not even be able to effectively express happiness let alone anything beyond that. especially not love. it took her 21 years to tell me she was proud of me for something

he was my best friend though. i dont remember much about him but i feel. the warmth. the smiles. i loved him a lot. i think thats something my mom always feels bad about. inadequate. she knows she doesnt have the ability to express affection like he did. its okay though, i understand her. i get it.

my dad though. sometimes i wonder what itd be like if he were still around? idk. the Orphaned Wondering™️ lmao

logically he didnt abandon me. but he was one of the final and toughest nails in that coffin though. really the only clear memory i actually have of him though is seeing him cold and empty on the medical examination table. i was still small so my eyeballs were Level with his body. i didnt understand it. my mom accused me of using him as a crutch so much that i think it just forced my brain to Expunge as much information about him as possible just to prove her wrong bcos how can you crutch on the pain of losing someone you never even knew, right?

shes kept using that up till i was 22 or so. idr exactly when the last time she said that to me was. i think i stood up to her about it once and she stopped then. this was after she was already scared lmao i think the combination is what got her.

one of the big times i remember is when i finally came out to her as trans. she didnt like it to sum it up. she made me sit through one of her signature multi hour presentation lectures when i told her about how i was such a disappointment and a let down and blah blah blah and eventually i was sent away. the next day she sends me an email (LMAO AN EMAIL) basically telling me she doesnt support me and then goes on a long tirade about my father and using him as a crutch and how he died having two daughters and what would she say to him now because “yes 🥺 i still talk to him” and whatever.

that also started her long lines of kick out threats. after i came out to her, every two weeks to a month she would actively threaten to kick me out and give me ultimatums. leading to the Penultimate moment when i had gone down to texas with a friend to help them move for college and i went with them to a tattoo parlor so they could get a tattoo. my mom sees me at a tattoo parlor (she was On that tracking shit since well before life 360 was a thing. once she called me in the middle of class in highschool accusing me of being at the bar next door cos her shitty find my friends thing told her so and she made me facetime so she could talk to my teacher lmao) and accused me of getting a tattoo. told her i wasnt and she didnt believe me and told me i wasnt welcome back in her home and that i didnt need to bother coming to get my shit bcos its all getting bagged up and tossed out tomorrow. i was two thousand miles from home with only the clothes on my back. had a minor meltdown said fuck it and got a tattoo. then went to houston pride the next day and warped tour the day after that.

my friend i was with blamed themself and felt awful about it. i hope they didnt carry that with them for too long. it wasnt their fault. my mom was Searching for a reason other than the fact i was trans to kick me out. my friend talked to their mom and got me set up with her temporarily.

come to find out that at my bus stop back in town, my moms friend was there picking me up and taking me back to my moms house, effectively kidnapping me lmao. except i was 18 so can that rly be kidnapping? idk what the adult term is. abduction. middle of the night im escorted back into my moms house and she presents me with a contract, throughout the contents of which she addresses me as “the adult child”.

three months later i was moving from colorado to maine to live with my bow ex fiance lmao

thats enough brain shit for tonight. ive got a migraine building and ive been at this for an hour or smth

time to go smoke weed and watch the last episode of that gay pirate show lmao

[softevan]

Can I Be Him? (Harry Styles Mini Series)

This is the start of a new mini series that I hope you guys enjoy! I have a big storyline ready for this, filled with ups and downs, so I do hope that you guys love the story as much I had loved writing it! Il be updating again on Friday morning/night for some people. This is it! Any requests? Please send them here and ill get back to you asap, Enjoy! -K

 Warnings: Anger/Fluff

 Word Count: 6K

 Pairing: Harry and Y/N

  Harry’s POV

“Harry you cant just keep on changing the channel, that’s so annoying” Y/N’s voice ran through my ears as I was running my thumb over the remote, being bored out of my mind with the amount of shit that is on telly these days. Me and Y/N have been best friends since I met her through mutual friends about 2 years ago. We instantly clicked which is very rare for me because every girl I’ve met has either wanted to sleep with me or use me for fame. But because Y/N is a well known YouTuber she doesn’t need the fame side of life. Even though she has a completely different job she still has the same side to the life that I live, which I think its also why we became so close because we knew how hard it was. Knowing that someone understood what my reality was like really refreshing.

 Just looking over at her lovely shining blonde coconut scented hair falling onto her shoulders so beautifully, her tanned skin from the warm LA summer glows around her arms and her kissable cheeks. Her little pink floral dress flowing down her beautiful legs makes her so innocent and cute, she just makes me want to fall in love with her. In some ways I look at her and the little things she does, it just makes me want to cuddle her, kiss her, just have her be mine.

 “But Y/N love there is literally nothing on TV right now” I looked over at her with that certain look on her face. I knew what she was up to. “Y/N. No.” “No what?” “Your not getting this remote” “I wasn’t going to get it from you, I was just thinking about food. We need food” The smirk never left her face when she was staring right in my eyes, never letting go of them. Her hands started to make their way up to my arms, and she quickly grabbed it from my hand and tried to get up from the sofa, but of course, I got her in time and pulled her down onto my lap as her tiny giggled left her lips so smoothly. “Harry stop oh my god, I’m sorry, stop” I continued to tickle her stomach as she was trying to fight off my hands around her waist. “Give me them back” “Okay fine, here, you win” Her hand came up to my face to give me the remote back. In my mind I wanted her to keep it so I could touch her, to feel her soft skin against my fingertips sent shivers up my spine.

 A sudden knock on the door to her apartment startled our play fighting, which then she got up off of me to get it. The laughter still coming from her is so heart warming because I know I make her happy, and that defiantly makes me happy. A male voice was coming from the front door, then it made its way into the living room where I sat. Oh no. Not him.  Y/N’s boyfriend Matt. I really hate that guy. Not because I want to be with Y/N and I’m jealous, but just the simple fact that he can fuck her over whenever he is ‘bored’ of her and wants to break up with her whenever he wants. She comes crawling to me when he’s done wrong and when I’ve talked her out of even talking to him again they are back together again. He just blows my mind how he even sleeps at night knowing that he treats women like that.

 “hey man how’s it going?” Matt’s voice went straight through my ears that day, is voice angering me by the second. “Eh, I didn’t know that Harry was here?” Y/N came walking into the living room behind him like a lost puppy, with an red expression on her face. “Yeah, he was just hanging around, I hope that’s okay?” Her innocent, quiet voice responded which obviously registered with the asshole but didn’t acknowledge it. He gave a over the top sigh and walked back to the hall towards the front door. She shouldn’t have to ask him, if she wants to hang out with me she can. She doesn’t need his permission, which is probably what he liked about it. “Make sure your out here in like 2 minutes, I’m not waiting here forever for you” He demanded quiet dominantly to say the lest, out to Y/N making her almost jump out of her skin. “Yeah H I’m guna have to go, um, you can let yourself out” She expressed out chirpy. Her flustered expression told me a different story. It hurts me so much to see her like this, she’s not happy and I see that. And I completely understand why. “Yeah that’s fine, are you okay though, love?” I quickly got up off of the sofa to make my way over to make sure she was okay, but she backed away as if I was going to do something to her, like she was afraid of me. “Yeah of course, just cant leave him waiting, you know the way he goes” Again that same awkward giggle came out of her mouth while she was putting on her shoes. “See you later Harry” She said and sprinted out through the door as fast as she could to make sure he wouldn’t get angry at her for keeping him waiting. She deserves so much better than this, she deserves me.

**********************************************************************************

Y/N sent a text saying that she wanted to meet at mine for a chat, which is a normal thing for us, but for some reason it felt weird. I know it was only a text but she never gets this dry through text message. I just knew that something wasn’t right. I start to get abit antsy, fidgeting my fingers and my knees shaking. I couldn’t keep my gaze off of my phone in case she rang to cancel or something, because recently that’s all she’s been doing.

 A knock on the door brought me back from my deep thoughts and I ran to answer, and of course it was Y/N. “Hey H” I let her in through the door and just looked at her. She looked so beautiful. But her eyes, her eyes are bloodshot, she looked drained, she didn’t seem like the Y/N I know. I’ve never seen this side to her at all. “Are you okay? C ’mere” I slowly reached out to give her a hug but again, she backed away as if I was going to hurt her or something. “Can we talk?” “Of course, come into the kitchen so I can make us tea” I walked into the kitchen to put the kettle on when I hear a low whimper come from her lips. “This will be a quick visit, so I might as well come out and say it” My head darted around towards her and just looked at the tears coming from her bloodshot eyes. “Y/N” I walked slowly closer to her but not too close, she obviously needed some space. “I cant hang out with you anymore, H” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “What?” Her eyes diverted to her hands while she talked to me, keeping her distance away. “Yeah, um, Matt isn’t really that comfortable that me and you are friends so, um, I feel like he’s right. We do need to distance each other” “You cant be serious? Your my best friend, I see you almost everyday” The blood started to rush to my head making it dizzy. The heaviness in my chest was getting worse, the panic was forming in my stomach for her. I would love to know what he was saying to her to manipulate her into thinking this was a good idea. “Yeah I know, and Matt feels uncomfortable about it, and I feel like I would ask him the same if he was seeing some girl everyday, more than me. So, I really am sorry Harry but I need to give him my full attention. And with you in the picture I cant do that for him” “Y/N we have been friends for almost 2 years, I know you in and out. Look at you. Look at what your asking of me here. We are the closest he have ever been and now this asshole shows up you expect me to b-“ “Hey he is not an asshole. I love him Harry, and id do anything to make him happy” “Even give up your best friend? Wow Y/N I didn’t think you would have stooped that low to make him happy. What has he done to make you happy? What big changes has he made?” Her face wasn’t leaving the floor the entire time she spoke to me. I hate having to express how I feel after months of thinking it. “Well, nothing. I don’t think he needs to change anything. I love him the way he is” “Y/N that isn’t love. If you think that the way he is treating you is a sign of him loving you then you need to re-evaluate your ‘relationship’, if that’s what you even would call it. He treats you like shit and you think that that’s a healthy relationship? Seriously Y/N” My temper felt as if it was burning me alive. I felt like she wasn’t listening to me. It was like talking to a brick wall, and as far as she was concerned it seemed like she didn’t even care to fight for our friendship through his whole thing. She just agreed for an easy life. “So is this the way you’ve been feeling the entire time that we have been seeing each other then?” She finally lifted her face and looked up at me, with rage starting to fill her. “Yes actually. And you know why I have them feelings towards him? Because he is asking you to stop talking to the guy that was there for you when he tried to hit you, cheated on you, mentally abusing you to the point where you didn’t know if you were coming or going. Y/N I was there for you when that wanker treated you like shit. Who was the one that held you all night because you were afraid of him storming into your apartment? Me. Who was the one that took care of you when there was low points of your relationship? Me. Who wa-“ “Okay I get it Harry you were there. But he has changed. He is still working on himself but he has changed so much, so I feel like I should try this time, for our relationship to work. Harry I need this relationship to work. Out of all people I thought you would have understood what situation I’m in” “No actually, I don’t know what’s going through your brain at the minute. The Y/N I knew would have laughed in his face and told him to fuck off for being such a cunt to you. Where is she?” A long silence filled the room. Dead silence. I never thought that the silence would have been so deafening. We couldn’t stop staring at each other in this moment. I didn’t want to talk anymore, I think my facial expression made my feelings clear to her. “I’m sorry H, but I need to do this to save my relationship. I love him. I have to” I wanted to speak and say that I loved her. But right there, trying to get words out and stop her from leaving, nothing came out. She gave a small smile and walked out of my house. Out of my life.

 Y/N’s POV

Everything had changed since that day when I left his house. It was like I was morning for him. I never thought I would have been in that position to do that but at the time if felt like it was the right thing to do. But looking back at the whole situation and that day, I feel like I should have tried to save our friendship. And through out this whole mess, nothing had changed between me and Matt, except I didn’t have my best friend there by my side telling me that everything was going to be okay. Thinking about the last time I had seen him just made my stomach drop, and seeing the way I treated him was just heart breaking. And knowing I cant pick up the phone and call him to see how is day is going and having our normal routine just really is messing with my head. “Y/N why are you being so quiet, what’s wrong?” Matt startled me as he walked into the kitchen as I was making us dinner. “Nothing, just cooking” He sat down at the table while I was setting the table for us. We were having friends over for dinner and a few drinks, just the typical Friday night for us now. Which always leads into a big stupid fight, especially when Matt is drinking. That never helps. “Did you get beer?” His blunt question gave me a hint that he was testy and a little pissed about something, probably me again. “Yeah its in the fridge” His response was a huff noise, the usual noise I get now a days.

 Once his friends arrived into the apartment we started eating. Yeah, you heard me right. I never got to invite any of my friends. Well since I started to get serious with him I kind of fell out with them all, and the one that stung most was Harry. Once we had finished eating they made their way over to the living room to watch a football match which had started, and of course there was a lot of snacks, beer and shouting. Which didn’t appeal to me in the slightest. I sat in the kitchen still and opened up my phone. I was on Instagram and came across a fan account of me and Harry. I clicked onto it and seen a lot of hashtags with our ship name on it. Of course I was immediately intrigued so I clicked on them which blew up loads upon loads of pictures of me and H, real and fake. Some were manips which people Photoshop our faces onto bodies, which I found kinda weird. But looking at our real photos brought back so many memories. Pictures from Jamaica when I was over keeping him company while he was making his album, us getting hammered at my YouTube parties, having a good laugh, videos of us dancing in his living room that some how got leaked through Anne’s phone. Seeing these picture just made me want to cry and smile at the same time. I just missed my H, and his family. Since we stopped talking I didn’t even talk to Anne or Gem, which I was so close with along with harry. Sometimes he would have got funny jealous and always made jokes about they were stealing me away from him and did scenarios like that. “You not coming into watch the game with us or are you just going to sit there like a loner” Matt came into the kitchen with beer in hand looking at me on my phone. “Yeah ill be in in a minute” I never wanted to stop looking at these photos.

Once the dinner was over and everyone left I started to clean up the living room and kitchen, and of course he didn’t help. “That was a good dinner eh? Didn’t you have fun?” He asked as he walked into the kitchen, which I would have liked him to have went upstairs straight to bed like he always does. But I knew that something was on his mind. “Yeah it was” I mumbled to myself and walked to dry my hands off with the hand towel, looking over at him intently on his phone not even caring if I replied or not. “Um, I’m finished cleaning up here so I’m just guna head to bed” I looked at him, again with him still on his phone not even gazing his attention on what I have said. It was like I wasn’t even there. I decided on not to question him because lets face it, it would have ended up in an screaming argument that would last for hours. Arguing about everything and anything. I walked up and got changed into my jammies and snuggled myself into bed and hoped that I had fell asleep by the time he decided to come to bed. But no, of course not. Stumbling into the room with his shoes fired across the floor, he made his presence known by falling beside me while my back was turned away from him.

 “Baby why are you not talking, what’s wrong? Talk to me” He whispered ever so smoothly in my ear. This is the fake Matt. This isn’t who he is at all. Its like he has two different personalities. And to be honest, I don’t like both of them. I pretended to be sleeping and just closed my eyes again, then there was a soft graze along my thigh, and his hand made his way up. “C’mon baby, talk to me, just talk to me” His hands progressively moved to the seem of my shorts, and his fingers made their way into my knickers. “Matt stop, I’m tired” I jumped a little and moved away so I was closer to the edge of the bed. “But baby I’m so hard for you right now, with those little grey shorts on, fuck your so hot” His alcohol intoxicating breath lingered down my neck when he moved closer to my back , with his hands trying to move me around to lye on my back. I knew he was going to force me, but not tonight. “Matt just get the fuck off of me. If I say no, I mean no, okay?” I jumped up out of the bed and yelled at him with fear rising within me. I know I’ve started a big row, but Harry was right. I need to end this. “Y/N you are my girlfriend, if I want sex, I deserve sex” His voice started to raise as he looked at me like I was the devil. “And you are my boyfriend, if I don’t want sex, you should stop bringing it up” My voice got more stern the more my temper rose, my hands were shaking, my head was throbbing but at the same time this felt good to stand my ground. He quickly got off of the bed and made his way over to me with his face scrunched with anger. He pushed me to the wall and pinned my hands to the side of my hips, not leaving contact with my eyes. “You do not speak to me like that” “Well you don’t speak to me like that” Repeating his words was the only thing I had going for me right now. I ran out of any train of thought of trying to get out of this, so of course fear strikes through me. “Don’t you fucking dare speak to me like that” His hands try to force me into the wall, but before he had time to grab a hold of my shoulders I pushed his and stared at him. His stance just motionless, again with his eyes burning into me. “Look at what your doing to me. Do you think that this is okay the way your treating me right now? Do you think that this is a good relationship? Matt you scare the living death out of me one hundred percent of the time your with me. I shouldn’t be scared of my boyfriend” Tears started to form in my eyes, but I didn’t want to let him see that he got to my emotions, I wouldn’t let him break me in any way. “Your not scared of me, I’m your boyfriend for god sakes, I’m not doing anything wrong here” Disbelief wasn’t even the word. “You cant be serious. You don’t think your doing anything wrong? So do you think trying to hit me all the time is a good relationship? Do you think that pushing me up against a wall because I wouldn’t have sex with you is the right way to treat your girlfriend?” “Um, well, no not really” His voice started to calm down as my words started to sting him, well so I hoped they did. But he ahs never gotten quiet at a argument that we have, so its different. “I’m glad your starting to see that now because I’m getting sick and tired of being treated like shit on your shoe” I walked over to grab my converse and hoodie and started to walk down the stairs. “Y/N where do you think your going?” His voice starting to raise again made me see that my speech didn’t take to long to leave his stupid brain. “I’m done” “What do you mean your done?” “I’m fucking done with this relationship Matt. I cant be walking around egg shells around you. I feel as if I’m in prison and whatever I do is wrong in our house, in our lives and in this relationship. I’m fucking done getting put down every single day of my life. I cant believe I wasted my time on you” The words just rolled off of my tongue, like word vomit. And you know what? It felt amazing to get it off of my chest. I grabbed the car keys and went to grab the door handle when his hand blocked mine. “You cant just walk out on me” “You know what Matt, you can mess with this house, you can fuck all the girls in the city, but your done messing with me. If you say one more word, I’m going straight to the police station. I have photos of every single mark, scratch and bruise you left on me, and if I’m honest I think the police would love to see that” The smirk on my face was evident as I was looking up at him. You know the saying that a face paints a thousand words? Well his painted one word. Guilt. His hand suddenly lifted off of mine and I quickly opened the door and slammed it so harshly. I ran to the car so quick and got in quickly turning her on, driving as quick as I could so he wouldn’t stop me. At this point, I didn’t know where I was driving. Just thinking of everything that happened within the space of id say twenty minutes was spinning around in my head. I was in pure shock that I actually stood up to him. The first person I wanted to call was Harry, but I just didn’t want to. I couldn’t go back to him after what I had done to him. He must of been heart broken. Plus I don’t know anyone in the city. Once that thought came into my head I had just remembered Gemma is in town, I seen her Instagram’s and her Snapchats of her being here in London. I have to call her. I know she will understand.

 “Hello?” Her voice streamed through into my ear, making me so emotional that I gave her whole family up to be with him. But I hope out of the whole family she would understand. “Hey its Y/N” “Oh my god, Y/N, hi! How are you doing?” “I’m doing okay, um, listen, are you still in the city?” “Yeah of course I am sweetie, are you okay?” “Do you mind if you meet me outside Tesco’s down Regent Street?” “Sure just give me like 15 minutes or so” We said our goodbyes and I patiently waited until she arrived. I had wanted to cry for this whole drive, but it seemed like nothing wanted to come out.

 I suddenly seen a white rang rover pull up beside mine, dooting her horn. I waved her over to my car and she got out to sit beside me. “Hey sweetie how are you?” The brisk cool winter air nipped my skin as she opened the door, and she looked at me. I looked back to the steering wheel and just stared. I couldn’t bare to look at her with all that I have to say to her. “Y/N, your scaring me what’s going on? What happened?” “I’m sorry that I stopped talking to you guys, and I’m sorry for hurting your brother. Is he okay?” A small sigh came from her as she looked at me with saddened eyes. “No, he’s really not. He has been so torn up about this whole thing with you guys, and to be honest I really missed you. You were my best friend. We all miss you” Thinking about all the good times me and Gem had together was memories that ill never forget, and that’s the moments that I lost out on when I was with him. “I missed you too, so fucking much you have no idea, so, okay, I have to tell you something” “Okay..” Her hand automatically moved to my hands that were sitting on my thigh. Looking down at her hands on mine made me want to crack and breakdown, but I couldn’t show her that side of me. I couldn’t show her that he broke me. I looked back up to her and said it. “I ended it with Matt” Her face turned into shock, disbelief reading from her face. “We got into a fight and I stood up to him and said everything that I was thinking through out our time together, and walked out. I’m so sorry but I didn’t know who else to call at this time of night to talk about this. And I didn’t know if we were on speaking terms but I just needed my best friend back. I’m sorry for not listening to you guys, you have no idea how sorry I am” “Sweetie I am so proud of you. You finally faced him and seen what we were talking to you about. He is the worst guy I’ve ever known and he treated you like complete shit, like you were his slave. We all seen it but felt as if we couldn’t say, because when your in the situation you don’t see it until something happens and it hits you that you aren’t in a healthy environment. I’m so happy for you hunny, c ’mere” Her hands engulfed me into her. Feeling her warm arms wrap around me made me feel at home, I just missed her so much. “I just don’t know if Harry will ever forgive me for what I have done to him, I feel awful about breaking his heart” “Hey, its okay, just give yourself some time and you can come around to the idea of meeting him. You can try texting him but only when your ready. You have so much time on your hands, but right now, you just need to calm down and clear your head” “I know I know. I just feel like right now, thinking about him, and the way he treated me, was the way that I should have been treated. I feel like I’m in love with Harry. Not that all of this has happened I see now that the guy that I was in love with was looking at me and I was looking at the wrong guy” “You just took the words right out of my mouth girlie.” Her eyes were glistening, looking straight at me, with joy or relief, I’m not sure. But I’m so glad that she was here regardless. “Come into my car, your in no state to drive. You can stay at my place until you find a place to stay, okay?” “Okay, thank you” “No problem sweetie” I quickly put on my converse and hoodie, and we both got out of my car and got into hers. She was right. I was in no state to drive anywhere with my head being in one hundred and one places. As she drove to her house I was just looking out at the city lights, the water from the river streaming through London was so refreshing to look out at. It felt like I got out of prison, I felt like I was free, and it was the best feeling in the world.

 Once Gemma got me into her house I automatically felt like I was at home, like it was warm and cosy with the candles lit and the smell of cinnamon running through the house just like Harry’s house used to smell like. “So you can sleep in the guest room, its a complete mess because I didn’t know you would have been coming down. If I knew I would have made some what of a effort to make it look good” “No no Gemma, thank you for letting me stay here, I don’t mind what state its in” We both laughed and we made our way upstairs into the guest room, and of course to my assumption, it defiantly wasn’t a mess, it just wasn’t to Gemma standards. “So the joined bathroom is beside the walk in wardrobes, the fresh towels are in the basket beside the sink, and I just washed the linen bed sheets so that was good timing” “Gemma I know I’ve been here before” Her face turned crooked remembering that I was here before. “Sorry yeah, I completely forgot” Thinking back of the times when me and Harry used to sleep in here together because there was no where else for him to sleep and we used to watch movies til 2am and fall asleep on each other non intentionally, but it was natural and comfortable. And the time when I accidently walked in on him showering was defiantly embarrassing, but I was defiantly impressed. But we laughed about it and joked about it in the end. Just the little memories like that really made me miss the good times. And I know that I shouldn’t be thinking about the past but that’s all I have been doing this last couple of weeks. Regret forming more and more in my stomach each day just took a toile on my body emotionally and physically. “Sweetie you look so drained, you’ve had a rough day I know, but I’m sure your glad to be away from him” She walked over and sat me down on the bed and gave me a look of sympathy. The last thing I want is for her to give me sympathy, I don’t deserve it. “Look Gem, I know I treated you guys like shit, and I didn’t mean to. But I brought you guys down with me through out this whole thing and I feel like a complete asshole to not even see what was going on. And I just hope that Harry can see that it wasn’t me. I just miss him so much” Tears started to stream down my pale, colourless face as I looked down and picked at my finger nails. Gemma pulled me closer to her and looked at me. Looking at her just made me see Harry in her. Her eyes and her smile is just a clone of him, and it made me want to cry harder because I knew that there was nothing I could do to talk to him again. “Y/N we don’t hate you in any way, we love you so much and we will always be here for you. If you think that you were to blame in this then you are so silly. He manipulated you into thinking that he loved you when he didn’t. He wanted two different lives. One where he looked like he was settling down and having this fake lifestyle that he wanted everyone to think that he was having. And then behind closed doors he was making you feel bad about being there for him and using you for to make himself look good. And going out and sleeping with all of these girls to feel like he was wanted, to get the attention, but he wasn’t satisfied with the love and attention that you were giving him. I know that you feel like you were in the wrong but it was him one hundred percent. There was nothing that you could have done to save that relationship” At this point I was a sobbing mess. Gemma has never seen me like this before, but it all has to come out eventually. “Then what have I been fighting for? I’ve been trying and trying for what? I’ve gave up everything to be with him and he throws it back in my face?” “Well that’s exactly what he has done, and I’m sorry that its come to this for you to see that he is an idiot but I’m glad that you have seen it” I just cant believe this whole time everyone thought this and I just was too caught up in his games that I didn’t even realised the reality of the situation. “Now, first things first, you look so tired and drained, so I’m guna run you a bath and ill lay out some pj’s for you, then if you want we can watch a movie like old times” She got up to get some pj’s from the closet and brought them back to me. “Thanks Gem but I think ill just go to bed, I’m just exhausted and I haven’t had sleep in so long that I’m actually excited to have a bed to myself” “Of course if that’s what you want ill leave you to it” She came over and gave me another hug. I could hug her forever, it just made me feel like I was at home. Once she left the room I immediately went straight to bed, wrapping myself in the lovely lavender scented sheets. I thought that it would have took me longer to fall asleep than it did, but for some reason I felt like I was automatically happier, like a big weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Falling sleep knowing that he wasn’t going to come in and try to start a fight or try anything on me was the best feeling in the world.

 Waking up the next morning was so refreshing. Feeling the warmth of the beautiful English sun streaming in through the curtains was so relaxing. Once I had a moment to remember what had happened last night, the memories automatically weighed in my chest. I was feeling scared to even look at my phone, so I crawled over to the night stand where my phone was sitting and seen all the missed calls and texts from him which surprisingly didn’t annoy me in the slightest. I quickly turned off my phone so I had more time to focus on myself and not have him weighing on my mind all day wondering what he was saying to me. I got up from bed and headed to have a quick shower and came back in remembering I had no clothes for the day. So I just put on my jeans and converse from yesterday, went into the closet and looked through her old hoodies that I could throw on, when I noticed some of Harry’s old band tees folded in the corner of the shelf. I looked through them and picked up one in particular. The Britney Spears one that he got at a random thrift shop in Ohio one year when he was touring. No one knew that we snook out and we decided to go to these old stores that had all these vintage clothes and records. He loved that kinda stuff. I put it to my nose and smelt it, giving that fresh clean detergent smell that just reminded me of him. A knock on my door sprung me back, making me throw the shirt back and I picked up one of the old hoodies throwing it on. “Yeah come in” Gemma came in holding a white and baby blue stripped top in her hand with a cup of something. “Morning Y/N, I figured that you wouldn’t have anything to wear today so I brought this top. I know your a lot smaller than me so just think of it as a oversized shirt” Her giggled made me laugh as she brought over the shirt and a cup of coffee. “I’m not sure whether you still drink this coffee but here, its the only one I have” “No Gem I love it, thank you” I quickly put on the shirt and we both sat down on the bed with her looking at me. “Well you seem well rested, how are you feeling?” “Yeah, I could be better, still don’t feel good. But you know, its been rough” “I know” I took a sip of the bland coffee, and even though she makes the most horrible coffee, I missed it. “But the main thing that’s killing me is Harry. I know I keep on bringing it up, but its true.” “I know hunny its guna be rough, but take some time and it will work out” “I know” he face turned into a crooked smile and took my hand. “Okay lets bring you downstairs and get you something to eat” “Gem I need to dry my hair, and besides I’m not even hungry” Her hands brought me down the stairs into the kitchen, and that’s when I seen him sitting at the kitchen table looking straight at me. Harry. 

[smengus]

favorite kpop songs of 2017 from a fan who got into kpop the beginning of this year

aye!! 2018 is almost here, and i have been DYING to make a favorite songs/mvs in kpop of this year thing. it has been a fucking ride let me tell you.... first things first, just to celebrate this year and give myself some leeway, there will be 17 songs!! and they are in no particular order!! i am not a favorites person, i have too much love in my pitiful heart.... anyway, lets start!!

17. movie - btob (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42A-rFdralM)     there are many things i love about this song. i got into kpop quite literally the very beginning of this year, and thats wild, but this song was one of the first of many i had heard, and didnt know much about then but love now. i specifically remember going through that one hot 100 kpop song playlist on youtube and finding this one, and instantly love it. its one of the classics of this years, and def opened my mind to a lot more. 

love’s like a movie~

16. really really - winner (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tBnF46ybZk)    ohhhhh my god i could go on and on about this song. out of all the wonderful kpop songs weve been blessed with this year, this is the one that’s consistently stuck, and everyone knows it. its just that song. the music video is gorgeous and diverse but so simplistic with the black and white. dare i say its iconic; all of it.

널 좋아해~

15. rookie/red flavor/peek-a-boo - red velvet (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0h8-OTC38I) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyiIGEHQP8o) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uJf2IT2Zh8)    ok, so yall are gonna hate me for literally putting all of their 2017 title tracks but oh my god... every single comeback they had this year was amazing, and id feel like id be playing someone if i just chose one or the other. like most sm groups, its not hard to absolutely love all of their songs. but in terms of aesthetic, sound, and all around look, red velvet killed it this year. so there. hope yall are satisfied with this.

peek a booooo~

14. fine - taeyeon (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHXUM-6a3dU)    to keep this b/b/g/g pattern going, im choosing this one next and dear lord. this is another song id heard in the very beginning, and i was... frankly i was shocked. like, btob was surprising, but it was what i expected it be: boy group, fun, catchy, etc., but with taeyeon... god, her voice and the whole video... i was tearing up, not gonna lie. the lyrics especially got to me. its been in most of my playlists consistently this year, and i cant say the rest of the album isnt a must listen, just a recommendation from me personally.

its not fine~

13. dramarama - monsta x (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1afdZk0qcI)

 ok, i had a hard time on this one. its common knowledge they went through 3 major comebacks this year, all of which were amazing, but originally, beautiful is what stuck with me. i love the heck out of that song. then dramarama dropped a little over a month ago and... lets just say thats what convinced me to finally start stanning them for real. i have a thing for story driven music videos (bonus points if the story is actually mad good), so combine that with the absolutely amazing song and choreography, and you get their best comeback yet. honestly, it was so good, i urge yall to check it out if you havent.

dramama ramama ramama hey~

12. cherry bomb - nct 127 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkuHLzMMTZM)

 this song... THIS SONG... oh my god. i dont have an in depth discussion over the music video or the song or any of it but good lord... if youve heard it you know what im talking about. its another one of THOSE songs. its too bad it was generally slept on, but god... can i add i also love the choreography??? like a lot???? im the biggest hit on this stage~

11. palette - iu (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9IxdwEFk1c)

 yall KNOW i wasnt gonna put this one off any longer. this is also the song that got me to start stanning this wonderful, amazing, beautiful, spectacularly awesome woman. she’s great. and this comeback?? ive easily listened to the whole album about 50+ times. i was going to put ending scene instead since i adore that one too, but this is the one that really stuck out to everyone. aesthetics?? on point. lyrics?? poetic. voice?? like an angel. lmao, i really love iu...

i like it, im 25~

10. as if its your last - blackpink (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Amq-qlqbjYA)

 ok the best part about this one was... since i was a new baby fan, at the time, the only group i really like, stanned, was bts. but i wasnt shut off from the rest of the music community tho, ofc. thats what im truly into kpop for: the music. so duh, i knew about blackpink and their bops (whistle was a personal favorite of mine). but for some reason, over time, they casually just became another group i was into? like, i knew the names, voices, roles, songs, etc.. so when i heard they were having a summer comeback, while i was free from school no less, i was ecstatic. i rewatched the teaser several times, stayed up and hyped with people online. and it finally dropped and instantly became my favorite song by them. its so goooood. my wife lisa, like, yas baby slay that rap while looking cute af. i love it very much, and im sure other blinks do too.

blackpink in your area~

9. dont wanna cry - seventeen (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97cx53Tpp6g)

 yeahhh, im not gonna choose their most recent comeback for this one, sorry guys... its a good song, dont get me wrong but! this one is the one lmao. its so fucking beautiful. when i watched the mv for the first time, i was in awe cause the choreo was so good, and so different from what i had seen before, but it went with the song so well. its a very good listen.

울고 싶지 않아~

8. move - taemin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcEyUNeZqmY)

 yes. yes. yes. this song??? yes. oh my god. so, this next bit is gonna be a bit sad (to read and to write), but just because an explanation is needed for each of these... im a shawol. i was the second i watched 1 of 1. and god, it still hurts so much to think of what happened? but, this explanation is taemin. so, i was into shinee, period. i knew taemin was a solo artist. i dont know why i wasnt paying close attention to it, but one day move just like, dropped. out of nowhere. and i went ‘where tf...?’ and watched it and OH MY GOD. i cant convey on here well enough, but bitch, i rewatched that shit repeatedly. the song was constantly replayed, and it finally pushed me to take the step and go back and listen to all his other stuff (which i love). its just so... androgynous and he dont give a flying fuck how he looks, dances, or sounds, and i adore it. definitely another THAT song of this year, dear lord.

youve got got the rhythm~

7. 1+1=0 - suran (ft. dean) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YA6G74gk6R8)

 ok, i was torn over this one. i bet everyone and their mother knows her for her “collab” with my boy suga, if i get drunk today. and YES!! THAT IS AN AMAZING SONG AND IM STILL SO PROUD OF BOTH OF THEM. but bitch, this had dropped sometime whenever, idk when since i dont stan and her, and i saw it on youtube and thought  ‘shes the suga girl, i wonder if thisll be good’. i was so surprised when i listened to it. the music video?? snatched. the song?? snatched. wig?? bitch its gone. lets just say, first listen, i had already loved it way more than the song i originally knew her by. 

1 plus 1은 0~

6. ddd - exid (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axVvZrDz60k)

 i put this one off long enough too. and this is obviously a very split opinion. they also dropped night rather than day which i am also 100% over the moon for. but god, i love sexy exid. and that is exactly what this comeback was. sexy, powerful, and aesthetically catchy as hell. (btw, exid is another group i actually stan, so i had been anticipating this one; i watched it while i was at school dusbgukg). so sad solji couldnt physically make it this comeback, but she was in the album, and that was enough for us. still wishing her the best recovery!

덜덜덜덜~

5. dont recall - kard (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41Dp7Q-SM1Y)

 oh kard. the group that had millions of fans before they even debuted... they gave us many tasty treats this year, all of which were total bops, but dont recall... bruh, its just stuck with me. i still know all the others, but when i think kard i immdiately think the of the legendary beat drop tied with the beautiful mv of dont recall. also another THAT song, no doubt. sorry i dont have much for this one, i dont know much about kard, but this song has personally been a go to of mine for the past many months. 

그만해 i dont recall~

4. ko ko bop - exo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdssuxDdqKk)

 lmao, you will not catch me in a 10 mile radius even THINKING about power. i drink to forget. its cute and all but... mmmm.... ANYWAY. im gonna be totally honest, i really love their 2016 year in terms of music more than i did this one (lotto, lucky one, monster, etc., etc., etc.,) BUT! out of the comebacks they had this year, i am 100% 10x more into ko ko bop. not gonna lie, i didnt dig it at first listen. but a little later, i tried it again and... hooo boy, what a good song. i dont know anything knowledge based about music or music production, but i know that ko ko bop is a good song. very good.

shimmy shimmy ko ko bop~

3. gashina - sunmi (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur0hCdne2-s)

 ok. OK! so... yall gonna hate me, but i intentionally put off listening to this for the longest time. why?? i have no clue, its a great song. but i did. so by the time mama 2017 (IK THAT LATE) came around and i found out my boy taemin would be doing a collab stage with sunmi i was like... ‘ok i need to know who this girl is...’ i FINALLY sat my butt down and watched it and BITCH. okokokok, scroll back up, skim that taemin one, and imagine all those feelings, except like, gay. like, instead of thinking it was inspiring, i was just thirsting and being absolutely in love because holy shit everything about the song and the video are perfect????? THE LYRICS THOUGH TOO??? absolute women power i was 100% there for jesus christ.  왜 예쁜 날 두고 가시나~ 2. snow - zion.t (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiGSDywrX1Y)    this song made me cry :( straight up, when i first watched it, i cried so much. it got even worse the second go round when i knew the lyrics. its so.... beautiful. im a big fan of zion.t as well, so this was no disappoint for me. i luv it... and fun fact, its my favorite music video ever, kpop or not. im very into cinematography and photography so it was such a treat to watch it. youd have to watch it for yourself to know what i was talking about. 

눈이 올까요~

1. anything from bts this year (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBdVXkSdhwU << this is dna just cause i dont wanna post 3 songs lol)

 yall honest to god probably hate me. ‘we just read this whole list to get a biased, lazy ass answer?!?!’ but hear me out... lmao thats all i got. bts is my ult group, but ult group or not, every single thing they dropped this year was spectacular. truly honest to god, its probably been their best year yet. jk, idk about that, 2015 and 2016 were pretty good. BUT STILL. spring day, not today, dna (lots of ayes), ALL OF IT SO FUCKING GOOD. gosh, i love them...

 dna~

well, thats all of them! keep in mind, this is a personal opinion thing, and there many, many, MANY songs of this year i loved, but this is a list and its gotta end somewhere, so i chose the ones that really stood out to ME. this was probably a waste of time, and bet this gets no notes, but in my heart, it was worth it. i love writing and ranting out my thoughts. this was my first year in kpop, and while yes, there were a few devastating and heart breaking moments that im still not fine about, it was good. my friends are gonna hate me, but this is just one of many years to come of me being into this shit. hope next year delivers as good as this one did. happy new years kpop fans!

[c-rankin93]

SHE'S NO YOU - CH 16

It's been too long... over a month nearly 2 months since I put out chapter 15, and I'm so disappointed. I'm royally annoyed that finally when I'm able to get back into Tumblr, my lovely daughter decided it was fine to spill some stuff on my computer... I lost so much work :( so I have literally had to re-write everything you see from Now on and it all be on my phone for now. I've had to shorten the chapters because this Tumblr app on my phone is shocking lol This is unedited because I'm too exhausted to re-read this, I'm just happy I'm finally posting this! I love all you patient people and I'll be writing the next chapter tonight so give me a few days :) CHAPTER FIFTEEN - HONESTLY RAE POV: "Linda-" it didn't matter how many times I repeated that women's name, when she goes off in one of her many tangents there was no way you could get through to her. "-jesus mom, stop thinking and just sit down for a moment. Your fussing isn't helping the situation." I rubbed my temples, trying to ease the sudden onset of a headache. "Seriously Rachel for once stop trying to be so damn independent all the time and let me help you. You got out of hospital yesterday, tomorrow is ruby's birthday and here you are on the sofa trying to organise a party and not in bed!" She huffed, her fists resting on her chubby hips as she stood before me. "Do you need another pillow? Here let me get you one-." "Mom! I'm fine please... I've been in a bed for months, I need to get some normality back into my life and if that means organising a party in a day, then so be it." I was exhausted beyond belief but I needed to get back into the real world. It didn't help that my mom had practically moved in with me, well she hasn't left yet let's put it that way. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom but the best way to deal with her was in small doses. Not extended overnight stays. "Fine, I give up! But don't come crying to me when you start complaining about being sore, I'll only say I told you so." "I'll be fine" I stressed. "Finn will be here soon..." My mother's movements stoped. I could feel her eyes move across me as I tried to busy myself with the many phone numbers scattered over the coffee table. The distraction wasn't working, it was obvious I wasn't getting away from this one. I sighed. "Just say it mom, whatever has your mind working so hard must be important."  "What's going on with you and Finn?" I knew this question was going to come up in conversation soon, but honestly I still hadn't prepared an answer. "I don't know" I shrugged, "we haven't put a label on anything but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that type of commitment yet. It still hurts, all the words he said to belittle me when we were apart are still wirling around in my head." "Hon, that man loves you more then anything. Rachel baby, you didn't see him when you were in hospital... He was there by your side everyday holding your hand, and if he wasn't doing that he was being a single dad." "I know..." I had already been informed by Robert of the stress and exhaustion that plagued Finn everyday. Not once did he complain or speak about how he was feeling, and still to this day he hadn't opened up to me about what had happened over the last few months. He wanted the here and now, a sort of new beginning with a twisted past. I guess that's what scares me. I'm not sure if I can go back to who I was before, I changed when my marriage ended. I had to learn how to become independent and parent a different way, no more relying on people. Heck, I can't remember if I even asked Greg for his help. Memories don't fade fast; good or bad. So much nastiness had been spoken between us, and I'll admit I'm scared. Getting back to a place that I left behind years ago, frightens the shit out of me. "Well you know exactly what you have to do. No more excuses, you know deep down that everything he said during that time was blinded by rage, he couldn't have you and that hurt him. You hurt each other, and to build that back is going to take work but I know you'll get there." I wiped the tear from my face and smiled at my mother. She always knew what to say when I had to face something i didn't want to. She is my number one supporter in life, and for that I'll forever be in her debt. "Thank you mom" I smiled. Of course she took the opportunity to smother me in a motherly hug, before she realised she was hurting me of course. "Shit! I'm sorry." I leaned back and tried to not show her how much pain I was truly in. "Its fine mom, it's just still a little tender." She patted my check without saying another word, then left to finish her duties in the kitchen whilst I continued to plan my princess her birthday party. --- I snuggled into the comfort of my bed, my body exhausted by the sheer volume of work I put into tomorrow and the party. Even if I managed to do it from the lounge room sofa, it still exerted my energy. The kids hopeful were asleep, thanks to their father. Who like last night made sure they were clean and tucked away in their beds. He had been incredible since arriving home, and hasn't allowed me to lift a finger. I can't really complain about not having to do housework now am I? The door cracked open and in walked the person in question. His suite jacket long forgotten, along with his tie. It was a sight I had seen often, but still got aroused by. His muscle more noticeable under the expensive cotton, even as he turned to shut the door behind him my eyes still found their way to his impressive behind. "The kids are asleep" he spoke softly as he moved towards my side of the bed. He perched himself on the side of the bed and grabbed my hand. His thumb drawing a pattern on my palm, no words were spoken for a moment. "Thank you." His head jerked upwards and he stared into my eyes a little confused. "For what?" "For all of this with the kids. Your going out of your way to be here and do everything when you don't need too." Finn shook his head, "Rae they are my kids too, and you need me. I'm more then happy to lay my jacket across a puddle so you don't get wet." He smiled, and captured my lips in a barely there kiss. "Id do anything for you, remember that." "What are we?" I burted out before I had the choice to second guess myself. Logical question, poor timing. "What do you mean what are we? Aren't we back together?" "I don't know you haven't exactly said we are back together or not, you know" I huffed a little, causing his smile to grow. "I just assumed since the 'i love you' was swapped at the hospital it meant you were officially mine again." "Well you could of told me that." He leaned forward and kissed my pouting lips again and chuckled. "Did you want me to ask you officially?" Finn raised and eye brow, "get down on my knees and beg you to be my girlfriend again?" "No-" "Or did you want me to get down on one knee and beg you to be wife again?" "What?" I gulped. Only a few hours ago I was worried about putting a label on us, and now he was talking marriage. It was too soon, I had only adjusted to letting him back in. I wasn't ready for that type of commitment yet. "Finn, I love you. Bu-" "Too soon?" He laughed, and my panicked face turned red with embarrassment. "Yeah I little bit too soon" I smiled up at him. "I'll give you time to get use to us again first, but I promise you that I'm going to make you my wife sooner or later. Whenever your ready so am I, I've missed you Mrs. Nelson." I moved the blankets next to me and patted the empty space. He was quick the strip out of his work attire, only leaving his boxers on. Finn slid his warm body up against mine, being careful of my still healing injuries. "The next few months things are going to change" he whispered in my ear, "at work, between us. And it's all going to be for the better. I'm not going to let them get away with this, I've waited long enough." I knew exactly what he was talking about. I leaned towards his warmth more, our bodies were flush, the skin on my body tingled. "You do what you have to do." I knew there was no stopping a man like Finn. He was ruthless when it came to it, a business man of his stature didn't get to the top playing nice. "I love you" he whispered just as my eyes fluttered shut. I don't believe I managed to say the words back before I fell asleep, but he knew I loved him more then anything. -- @lily-pop-2 @tinakegg @hey1tskat1e @lurkernolonger @mmfdfanfic @i-dream-of-emus @l88cym @arathewallflower @milymargot @milllott @luly310 @eveerez @mallyallyandra I hope I got all the tags!

[journalxxx]

If on a Winter's Night a Traveler

Ford's head snapped up instictively as he heard the door of the boat creaking open. He glanced at the clock on the wall, blinking at it in mild surprise when he saw it was only 1 am. Nothing strange with the fact that he had worked for more than two hours without quite noticing, it wasn't unusual for him to lose track of time while engrossed in some task. However, he wasn't expecting Stan to come back to the boat so soon. Whenever his brother decided to spend the night socializing with the locals, he usually ended up staying out into the early hours. A couple of doors shut a bit too loudly, promptly followed by the noise of his brother stomping heavily around deck, kitchen and bathroom. "Are you looking for something?"

He could barely interpret the low grunt he got in reply. "No, it's nothing." Ford sighed, resigning himself to the obvious fact that Stan's evening must have taken the wrong turn. Nothing exceedingly unusual with that either, yet it still meant that his twin was going to be a veritable bear at least for the next 24 hours. Ford shrugged, resuming his task. He couldn't quite fall back in his usual focus though, as the stomping and the sharp smacks of cabinets and cupboards banging open and close grew steadily more annoying over the next few minutes. "You really do sound like you're looking for something, you know." Another grunt, followed by a low curse. "Where's the goddamn alcohol?" Ford frowned, Stan's needlessly belligerent tone rubbing him the wrong way. "Sounds to me like you've had enough at the pub." This time Ford could definitely discern a 'fucking smartass' somewhere within the following growl. He huffed, letting the conversation die again for the grand total of fifty seconds, before an even louder crash made him physically turn towards its source. "What on earth are you doing?" "I told you, I can't find the goddamn alcohol!" Stan barked back from somewhere upstairs and, before Ford could suggest him about taking a dip in the harbor to cool off instead, he added, "The rubbing one, not the drinking one." "...Oh." Ford looked back at the small bottle and at the damp and dirty cloth shoved at the corner of his desk, mentally chiding himself for missing the obvious conclusion. "Sorry, I have it here, I was cleaning some pieces of equipment." He grabbed the bottle and stood up to bring it to his brother and stop his overly energetic search, but he didn't get as far as the door of the room before hearing a muttered 'Never mind' and the bathroom door shutting with another bang. That actually surprised him. Although bad mood was to expected in those occasions, that level of pointless pettiness was a bit exaggerated. He glanced at the bottle in his hand, making a not too far-fetched connection, and walked up to knock at the bathroom door. "Is everything all right?" "Yeah. Sorry for distracting you." He didn't sound tremendously sorry, so Ford decided he wouldn't feel sorry for opening the door without waiting for permission. "Do you need this or no- What the hell?" "Yeah, yeah, I know. I look fantastic tonight. Get back to your gizmos." Stan glared at him from the mirror, evidently displeased by his brother's presence. Ruffled hair, split lip, and almost the whole right side of his face roughly scratched, scraped and bloodied. It wasn't by any means the worst state Ford had seen him in, but he still made quite a sight. "What the hell happened to you?" "To think that people say you're smart. People get into a bar. People drink. People get out of the bar in bad shape. Take a guess." Ford frowned, reaching out to put the bottle near the basin his brother was using to wash his face. "If you had half of that attitude by the time you got in, it really doesn't take much imagination. Really, what happened though? Did someone start a brawl? Did you start a brawl?" "Oh, you want the full goodnight story?" Stan snorted, grimacing in pain as he patted the sponge far too rudely on his cheek. "Sorry, no brawls. I just had a, ah, strong disagreement with the barkeeper." "The barkeeper?" Ford's eyes widened, a terrible doubt dawning on him. "Please, tell me you didn't try to flirt with his daughter. I specifically told you to stay well away from her, I heard her talking about getting married next month! Why of all people-" "Geez, hold your horses. I know, you kicked me under the table every time I so much as looked at her yesterday. No, I did not try to hit on his daughter. Happy?" "Far from it." Ford crossed his arms, looking at his brother sternly. "Would you mind just telling me what happened or do I have to keep guessing all night?" "And why exactly are you so interested in how I spend my free time?" "Because" Ford uttered, almost gritting his teeth with the effort to stay rationally, patiently, mercifully calm, "I have to run a few errands in town tomorrow before we leave, and I would like to know - if it's not too much to ask - if I should expect someone to try to smash my nose because of a random bar fight I know nothing about. It's always nice to know you're as careless as ever about tarnishing my reputation and crime record. God knows different IDs aren't nearly enough for people to tell us apart." "Oh. Right. Of course. It's about you. How could I ever forget. As if-" Stan stopped talking abruptly, letting out a small incredulous laugh and shaking his head. He looked straight at his brother, and Ford was surprised to find in his eyes more hostility than he had seen in quite a while. "Look. Just... fuck off, Stanford. I really don't need your shit on top of this." Ford held Stan's gaze for a few seconds, before relenting and showing his palms in mock surrender. "Fine. Have it your way. Goodnight." He strode out of the bathroom without waiting another second and sat back at his desk, resuming his work on the delicate machinery. A few minutes later, he heard Stan leave the bathroom and head back upstairs, then out of the cabin. The small menial task required enough precision to keep Ford engrossed for a while, but it was also dull enough to let his mind wander. The main topic of his thoughts was, needless to say, his brother and his positively insufferable temper. Their conversations tended to devolve into full-blown arguments and biting bickering with a frankly alarming frequency, and, in all honesty, Ford was willing to bear the responsibility for that for no more than half of the times. Fragments of the recent conversation floated in and out of his mind seamlessly, somehow dulling his anger to a low buzz of annoyance. Eventually, each component of the antenna was duly cleaned and fixed. It would be much easier assembling it the next day, in full daylight, but Ford decided he could give it a try with the halogen light right then. He didn't feel like retiring to bed yet, anyway. He gathered tools and equipment and headed up on the deck. Stan was there too, facing the complete darkness engulfing the horizon, his arms leaning on the railing as he smoked quietly. Neither twin so much as acknowledged the other, nor anyone spoke for the entire time Ford took to figure out how to light the stand properly and piece together the instrument. But, as Ford collected his stuff to head back downstairs and finally to bed, it was Stan who unexpectedly broke the silence. "It was the barkeeper's son." "The ever smiling and quiet fisherman? It takes some skill to piss off people like him to the point of violence. Color me impressed." Stan paused, taking a long drag from the cigarette and exhaling slowly before replying. "No. I meant it was the barkeeper's son I tried to hit on." That got Ford's attention. He finally looked at his brother, who hadn't moved from the opposite end of the boat. He was still facing away from him, puffing out small clouds of smoke and condensation in the cold winter air. The concept looped a couple of times in Ford's head before he ventured a reply. "...I see how that could cause some misunderstandings." "No shit." Silence stretched between them, both heavy and delicate. Ford thought back to the pacific young man, to the demure and pleasant impression he had got while exchanging a short conversation with him the previous day. He thought back to the boisterous barkeeper and to his chatty wife, to the welcoming and rustic bar that gathered and entertained the few inhabitants of that very quaint, very simple, very traditional small coastal town. "...But why?" "What do you mean, 'why'?" Stan finally turned to look at Ford. A band-aid and a tiny patch of gauze had been haphazardly applied on the most evident cuts, but a large enough portion of Stan's face remained uncovered to display his clear annoyance. "I mean-" Well yes, Ford had meant why too, but... Not primarily, in that particular instance. He walked up to his brother, scratching his head in confusion. "I mean, why him? Why now? Why here? It's... Well, did you expect anything else to happen? In a place like this?" "Why not? I already have to be on the lookout for smoking-free areas these days, do I have to find a proper place for that too?" "That... doesn't make any sense. I mean, you always claim to be the one who knows how to read the room, but this... really sounds like a poor idea." Stan shook some ash off the cigarette, a crooked smile twisting his features. "Mh. Maybe you're right. You were right before, it is your right to know about this. God forbid I don't take responsibility for tarnishing your reputation so badly." Ford's posture stiffened instinctively. "I didn't mean anything like that. And you know it." "Only because the possibility didn't even cross your mind, Sixer." "Stanley." Ford frowned, shivering slightly because of the cold, but mostly because of the ominous tone the conversation was rapidly assuming. "Don't take this in the wrong way, but... it's like you've been actively trying to pick a fight with me from the moment you came back to the boat. What-" "Oh, really?" Stan suddenly left the railing, flicking the cigarette off-board and moving to stand right before Ford, shoulders squared, head held up high, defiance oozing from every pore. The dim light from the lamp cast distorted shadows on his marred features, making him truly look like a deranged street thug. "How curious, I got the same impression from you. Guess I'm not done yet with the punching for tonight." Ford didn't react, genuinely baffled by his brother's irate response. That too, finally, got him thinking. If there was one thing that a couple of months of forced cohabitation had provided Ford with, it was a plenty of time and occasions to observe his brother, which was also one of the main purposes of the trip. Simply catching up with the lost time, and with each other. He had had, of course, plenty of occasions to observe Stan dealing with several degrees of anger, and he had noticed something peculiar. Despite his quick temper, it was uncommon for Stan to truly, completely give in to the tentation of settling a dispute with brute force. It was mostly a last resort, one he attempted when he felt he had run out of other possibilities. In short, when he felt cornered. Or scared. Like when, for example, he was greeted with a punch in the face by a long lost brother he had been waiting to meet for thirty years. Or when he was faced with the possibility of losing his house, belongings, and established lifestyle by said spiteful brother. Or even when he was forced to take part to a mysterious magic ritual to banish a mind-controlling demon from existence. Or also when he found himself stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean with a man looking almost exactly like him with no memory of how he got there. Those kinds of objectively disquieting situations. Obviously, there were also many times when Stan's violent attitude stemmed from sheer lack of patience, stubborness, childishness and unwarranted desire to show off. Ford's inability to discern among the various causes had created, and would likely keep creating in the future, a remarkable number of misunderstandings. This time, however, he thought he had more than enough clues to draw a sensible conclusion. Ford's lack of reaction prompted Stanley to challenge him a tad more openly, and Ford simply watched as his brother took another cigarette with calculated slowness and arrogance, bringing it to his lips and trying to light it. 'Trying' being the key concept, since apparently his lighter chose that particularly unfitting moment to give up on him and run out of gas. It clicked ineffectively a few times as Stan tried snappily to get one last spark out of it, before he gave up and shoved it back into his pocket. He simply stood there, his unlit cigarette clenched between his teeth, his jaw clamped tensely, waiting for Ford's move. Braced for the impact. Ford tried his very best to come up with the right words for the situation. He found he couldn't choose any. So, with the same deliberate tranquillity of his brother's gestures, he fetched the small match box in his back pocket, he picked one, stroke it, and held it high between them, his free hand shielding the trembling flame from the chilled breeze. It was Stan's turn to stare at him in confusion. His expression shifted indiscernibly in the flickering light, and he didn't move for so long that the flame moved along the match almost to the point of burning Ford's fingertips. Eventually, something cracked. He let out a white, misty sigh, and his demeanor seemed to somewhat deflate, his shoulders caving back into their usual slouched posture. He bent slightly forwards, keeping the cigarette still with his fingers as he touched it to the match. He took a couple of quick drags to light it properly, then he turned away towards the pitch black harbor, resting his weight heavily on the railing again. Ford mimicked him, settling beside him to stare at the dark nothingness. The silence was still rather uncomfortable, but at least it didn't feel as if someone's neck was about to snap at any given moment any more. He considered that as a marked improvement. Until that moment, they had kind of silently agreed not to touch the matter of Stan's questionable past times when they docked, but the poor handling of the present situation had made the topic a proper elephant in the room. Ford thought again on how to word his questions, and he decided that there was nothing to gain with dancing too much around the subject. "...Did he take it out on you in front of everyone? Did no one step in?" Stan shook his head. "No, no. We were in the backyard. Me and the fisherman. It may come to you as a surprise, but I can be discreet, and I can read room and occupants pretty well. I wouldn't have moved a finger if I hadn't been sure he was interested. The problem was..." He stopped, then pulled a long, slow drag. "Well, you aren't wrong. This isn't exactly the best place for something like that. I don't think he knew he was interested. I think I kind of... overwhelmed him." Ford considered Stan's words silently. More questions popped up in his head, but he preferred waiting for Stan to continue on his own. "And, well, the rest is bad luck and poor timing. His father must have come out to take out the trash or something, he must have overheard us. So one moment I'm trying to make this guy not have a heart attack on me, and the next moment someone is grabbing me and grating my face against a metal grid." "What?" Ford burst out with genuine indignation. Stan let out a small laugh, elbowing his arm with a hint of playfulness. "What? You thought I got these in a fair fight? I punch demons and zombies to dust, Ford. Have a little faith in me, for heaven's sake." "Coward." Ford muttered, then a sudden thought distracted him. "Wait, how long ago was this? If he called the police, we should set sail immediately if we want to avoid more trouble." Stan looked at him quizzically. "What do the cops have to- Oh, right. No, it's not illegal here. Again, I'm not a complete idiot. I doubt he'd try to rally angry farmers with pitchforks either, guys like those would rather avoid the publicity." "I suppose... What about the fisherman though?" "He did try to stop him. But not too much. I mean, what could he do? Defend the perverted stranger making moves on him, or turn against the rightfully disdained father? Not that much of a choice there." Silence fell again for a good minute, then Stan cleared his throat awkwardly. "So, yeah. My bad. You may want to keep away from the pub tomorrow. I wouldn't trust him not to spike your drink or, I dunno, accidentally trip and stab you with a kitchen knife." "Oh, I'd like to see him try." Ford's tone earned him a curious glance from his brother, but he didn't pay attention to him. He was still busy picturing the regrettable incident in his mind. "You did disinfect yourself, didn't you? We did get our tetanus shots before we left, but..." "Yeah, yeah, thanks for the alcohol." "Peroxide would be preferable in this case though, alcohol isn't as effective-" "Didn't we run out of peroxide last week?" "I got some more yesterday while I was restocking. It's... still packed in the storage, I think." "Okay, thanks Mom." "Are you still trying to make me want to punch you?" Stan snorted and pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. "No. No... Sorry about... all that, I guess I was..." "...Testing the waters?" Ford wished he could feel rightfully offended by Stan's distrust, but his past behavior had probably warranted far worse offenses. Stan grumbled in assent. He gesticulated widely with his hand, the bright red dot of his cigarette following his movements and drawing deformed circles in the dark air. "...You never know about this kind of stuff. Or any kind of stuff, really. Not even big things, dumb little details too. Sometimes it takes nothing for people to U-turn completely on you and, well... If- if this had to be one of those cases, better sooner than later, I guess." Ford could vaguely recall, in another place and another time, a simpler but similar conversation with his brother, about a dejected little kid whose extra finger had horribly spooked a charming little classmate. Ford's mouth curved into a small, nostalgic smile. "...I think I know that feeling." Stan smiled back to him, and fell silent again. His tone was a bit lower when he spoke again, a little bit later. "...Is it like this everywhere? I mean, you've seen a lot of places and people, right? Wild stuff. Is everywhere so... messy?" "Yes." He didn't even need to think about the answer. "Well, if you're asking about humans specifically, you'd probably know better than me. I've haven't met many others during my travels. If you're asking about 'people' in the broadest sense of the term, then yes. I've visited countless places, observed countless species, adapted to countless social structures. But the unchanging characteristic I have encountered pretty much everywhere is that, wherever there are communities of sentient, individual life forms, there is conflict. The possible reasons are many more than a single person could possibly come up with in an entire lifetime." "So you're basically saying that life sucks on a universal scale." "Multiversal, actually. Yes, pretty much." "Nice." They both chuckled. Ford straightened up and stretched his back, feeling the tiredness of the day finally catching up with him. "I think we've caught enough cold for today. How about we continue the philosophical musings tomorrow?" "You mean when I will actually have to look at your face and I won't be half-drunk? Not a chance." Stan grinned, flicking the cigarette off-board again. They both followed it with their gazes as it was engulfed in darkness. "Don't tell Mabel I did that." "Mh, I don't know, it's the second time in the span of an hour. I think you could use another thirty-minute tirade about environmental responsibility." "Hey, listen. I'm not accepting lectures about ecology from someone whose interdimensional portal runs on radioactive waste." "Touchè. I will overlook your contemptible conduct if you help me carry the tools back in the storage." "Deal." Stan stood up and stretched his back as well. He squeezed Ford's shoulder briskly as he strode past him, towards the tools scattered on the deck, and Ford couldn't hold back a small smile. It had to be the most sincere thank you his brother had offered him since they departed, he gauged.