#i think this is how i'd draw if i were given a tablet

[mspaint-flower]

so i tried to draw miku with my cursor on ms paint

i think i might be a bit better than u ngl

this is stunning thank you for sharing this

[heyidkyay]

I guess I’ll take this pain, instead of your name |

Part Twenty-Two

Butterflies, summertime, all belong to your creation!

A/n: HII:) The whole band is finally in Spain and I'm really hoping that everyone enjoys this chapter, it took a while to piece together, had to look back at old parts too many times to count, but there's finally some well deserved cuteness and fluff in here! I think this has one of my favourite G and Birdie encounters yet... Anyway, hope you like it x

Summary: In life, things changed. The boys you'd once grown up with were men now, and famous ones at that. The type that toured the world and had millions of adoring fans.

The five of you shared a shit ton of history. But you also shared a lot of mixed emotions for one of them in particular, a certain drummer.

Warnings: TOO MANY EMOTIONS, little bit of dark humour I hope no one takes offence to, mentions of anxiety and inner struggles, touches on a bad relationship with a parent(/family), BUT there finally is some fluff!!

Masterlist

--

Outside, it was warm and lovely, but inside the villa… it was anything but.

Since I’d gotten home the previous afternoon, with even more medication strapped under my belt and a freshly printed release form in hand, the atmosphere had been tense.

George was staying with us- that was probably the quickest way to explain things.

What with the whole band coming to Tenerife and a villa far too big for just two people, it only made sense for all the boys to crash there too. Plus, Matty had made the argument about them making use of the space to work on their album, knowing full-well I still felt guilty about the whole ordeal. 

It had been cruel, but it’d worked, and so I’d come home from the hospital to find George’s suitcase in the room one over from mine and a ginormous pair of shoes in the entryway.

The latter had stilled me in place when I’d first spotted them, bringing back one too memories as I’d stumbled in through the front door. Matty’s excited chatter had been the only thing to draw me back to the present, as he’d called out to George, who’d made himself quite at home on the settee, whilst simultaneously planning things with Hann, who was on the phone.

I’d gone straight to bed after that, feigning exhaustion, which Matty had believed but George had raised an eyebrow to. He’d known better than to question it though, especially with the thin ice he was currently treading on, but I’d felt his eyes follow me all the way up the stairs.

Today was a new day though. I’d woken up, showered, made myself a light breakfast (doctors orders), which had gone down quite well with the new anti-sickness tablets they had me taking, as well as the stronger dose of pain relief I'd been given. I was ready for anything it could throw at me. 

Matty had barrelled down the stairs not long after though, talking a mile a minute about flights and times and some other nonsense I hadn't been able to make out. I’d actually had to ask George what he’d been going on about when the giant had rolled in from the patio outside.

He hadn’t looked like he’d slept much, but it’d been hard to tell from behind the big black sunnies he wore. And I’d bit my tongue to keep from asking just how long exactly he’d been out there, whether or not he’d avoided coming back in once he’d spotted me downstairs at the kitchen counter. 

Turned out though, both Ross and Hann were already at Heathrow airport and boarding a direct flight to Spain. Hann had just texted Matty saying that they’d be landing in the next couple hours, or so he hoped. 

Which is what ultimately led to me waiting on the front-step of the villa like an excited little kid, waiting for the two to pull up, but also using it as an avid excuse to avoid George further. 

It wasn’t long before the sound of tires had my head lifting just in time to spot a sleek car coming to a slow stop at the curb. I grinned at the first man who emerged from the backseat of the cab and hurried my way down to meet them.

“Wahey! Look who it is!” Ross exclaimed with a big grin once he spotted me, hair brushing against the length of his shoulders whilst his squinted eyes, hidden behind brown lenses, took me in. He opened his arms out wide as I approached and was gentle with me when I leapt into them, chuckling as he spun the two of us around.

“I can’t believe you’re actually here!” I breathed into his neck, unable to dampen my sudden rush of happiness.

I squeezed him once more before he finally dropped me down onto the balls of my bare feet. The pavement was warm beneath them, but not hot enough to have me prancing about like a prat trying to avoid burning the soles. Matty had learnt that lesson the hard way our second day here, when he’d made the mistake of going out to pick up a takeaway with no shoes on.

“Couldn’t let the three of you have all the fun now, could we?” My head darted away from Ross and quickly over in the direction of the boot, just in time to see Hann rounding it.

“Adam!” I was quick to rope him into a giant hug too, asking after Carly and about the things I’d missed back home just as Matty and George sauntered their way down the drive.

“Fuckin’ hell.” Ross whistled once Matty had slipped the cab driver a few euros and the car had begun to pull away. I glanced over in time to find him staring up at the house. “You said it was big, but this is maddening.”

Matty snorted whilst I sidled up next to the bearded bassist, his reaction had been similar to that of mine. “Thought you’d be used to this sort of thing now. What with being in a big band and having Matthew here as your frontman, the diva.”

The rest of the guys chuckled when Matty swatted at my arm, but I merely shrugged him off before I made my way over to where a lone suitcase stood. I’d just been about to grasp at the handle when, almost on command, all four men cried out causing me to jump away from the thing with my hands surrendered.

My eyes were wide when I turned back to them, “What the fuck! Is there a bomb or summat in there?”

“No,” Hann dragged out around an airy chuckle, skirting by me to grab it instead, I frowned when none of the guys made the slightest huff at the action. “It’s alright I’ll get it.”

My brow only furrowed further when I made a grab for one of the duffles that had been left on the curb, before it was hastily swept up by a smiling Matty. I chewed at the insides of my cheeks to keep from screaming.

“I’m not going to break, you know?” I told the four of them sternly, looking each one of them in the eye. “I can carry a fucking bag inside.”

“Yeah, but you shouldn’t have to.” Matty retorted, grinning like that had been the right thing to say to me just then.

My chest rose with my next irritated breath, but Ross was there wrapping an arm around my shoulders before I could release it. 

“Alright! Show me this pool then, hey? Haven’t stopped thinking about it since you first showed me, practically dreamt I was swimming in it on the flight over.” He told me, leading us further away, and reluctantly I allowed it, muttering under my breath whilst the rest of them debated amongst themselves on how to lug the bags in without Ross’s help.

This was going to be long trip.

—

“What’s with the evil eye?”

I jumped slightly at the sound of Ross’s voice, glancing up at him when he came to stand just over my shoulder, my brow pinched. 

“Do you always have to eat apples like that?” I questioned him, wrinkling my nose as I swiped my upper arm free from a mixture of fruit juice and Ross slobber, “Right over me too.”

Ross grinned, uncaring. “And what’s wrong with the way I eat apples?”

“Horses are more civilised.” I rebuked and he snorted in turn.

“But you wouldn’t change me for the world though.” Ross replied with a sarky smile, wrapping one arm over my shoulder and around my collar, “Just like I wouldn’t change you bein’ a moody mare.”

I pursed my lips but didn’t shove him away. “I’m not moody, just hot.”

Ross hummed and I knew that he knew I was lying- although, it was growing warmer and warmer the more minutes that passed.

“So that glare you’ve got going on is just for the heat, yeah? Not the twat sat over there in that deck chair?”

I’d been made. With a heavy sigh I crossed my arms over my chest and fought against the petulant pout that wanted to overtake my features.

“He’s sat right under my tree, Ross!” I groaned, sounding like a toddler on the verge of a tantrum. The bassist laughed and I allowed my body to melt further into his embrace, letting him hold me up.

“Sort of recognise it now you’ve said.” He murmured, then I felt him shrug, “Just go and tell him to piss off if you want it back.”

I pulled a face.

“What, why not?” Ross chuckled down at me, I ignored the loud chomp he made just above my head.

“I’m avoiding him.” I told him simply.

“Oh really? How’s that going for you then?” He asked sarcastically. 

It was my turn then to shrug, which was a hard task considering I was still cocooned in his arms. “How’d you think.”

Ross snorted softly, “Ten days, muggins. Ten days and you’ll be home free.”

I groaned again, slumping as I felt my head fall back and eyes close. “Isn’t it bad enough me feeling so crap? What did I do to deserve this much karma?”

“Definitely a serial killer in another life.”

I frowned at the quick answer Ross gave and lifted my chin up to better see him. “You had that on hand.”

He gave me a lopsided grin, “It’s that smile you get when someone’s pissed you off.”

I laughed, knowing what he meant, and relaxed again. 

We paused there for a moment, basking in the peace, before Ross went to speak again, his voice softer than it had been. “You in much pain then?”

I inhaled slowly, already regretting having brought up that I felt crap. “Just all these pills.”

His arm tightened its hold so that his free hand could squeeze my bicep. “Don’t have to pretend with me, yeah? If shit gets too much, let me know.”

I wanted to roll my eyes, thinking about how the rest of the guys had begun walking on eggshells around me again, but his offer was too sincere. “Really I’m okay.” I assured him instead, then tried for another laugh, “Just want me tree back.”

He did chuckle and I squirmed slightly when he knocked his chin into the side of my head, tickling my ear.

“Well then, let’s go piss G off.” He decided, loosening his hold to drag me off towards the garden. “If we try hard enough, maybe he’ll just sod off and we won’t have to say a word to him.”

“Fingers crossed.” I laughed.

—

By early evening Ross and Hann’s first day here, we were all getting ready to walk ourselves into town, the guys having decided amongst themselves that they wanted to go out for dinner and see the sights after we’d been cooped up all day.

I’d thrown on a strappy midi dress, something that hid a lot of skin but still kept me cool, and paired it with a pair of light samba’s to match. I was just tying the laces on them, perched on the bottom step of the staircase and listening to everyone else rush about getting ready, when someone trailed down behind me.

I knew it was him without looking, immediately having recognised the falls of his feet, but the hesitant pause about midway had also been a dead giveaway. 

It made sense that it’d be him though. The two of us had always been the first ones ready, it’d been an ongoing thing for years now, and typically we’d make proper use of the time we got alone together before the chaos truly started. 

I fought the urge to reminisce on shared kisses and quiet whispers in crowded hallways as I slid over a tad to accommodate him, figuring he’d just slip by me and wait in the lounge for the rest of them. But it was just as I’d finished tying my first shoe that he sat down beside me. 

Immediately I stilled at the gesture, but that was the only response I gave his unanticipated presence, swallowing down whatever confusion I felt before I tugged at my remaining lace.

Breathing shallow, I could see his fingers tapping away aimlessly against the side of his knee next to me, just out of the corner of my eye. Most believed that the tic related to his job as a drummer, tap tap tap, and in a way I suppose it did, but those who knew him, knew better. Drumming was just something George could always revert back to, something he found solace in, it gave him a moments peace in the mayhem his mind created. That tapping was a nervous habit sure, although other times it helped him to keep track of his countless thoughts.

I tried not to glance over at him, even as I struggled with my right shoelace- you’d have thought I’d have figured out how to tie them with a cast on by now, but no. It was still a task and a half. 

I grew frustrated easily, muttering under my breath when the aglet got caught again on the plastic which encased my palm. “Fucking can’t wait to get you off.”

George’s loud and obnoxious snort made me jump, which inevitably caused me to fumble with the lace. I shot him a heated glare at the fact that I'd have to start over again. 

“What’s so funny?”

Looking at him now, even in the dim entryway light, I could finally see everything I’d been missing out on from the distance I’d created between us. The moles that dotted this side of his face, the faint stubble which now lined his jaw and chin, the squinting of his eyes as he struggled to dampen his growing amusement.

“Nothing.” He replied, though it was said around a huffy chuckle that he hadn’t meant to let escape. I raised a brow in retort and he relented quicker than I was used to. Normally he loved to bicker with me, really got a kick out of it. “Just, what you said innit.”

My forehead furrowed and I thought back to the words I’d said, before it finally hit me. I couldn’t help the reluctant laugh that bubbled from my lips, but I rolled my eyes at him with a minute smile. “Yeah well, you should be so lucky.”

He hummed softly and I had to look away then, instead choosing to focus back on my shoe. Two loops were typically easier than one these days and, if I didn’t fumble with the left lace too much, I could usually just adjust the tightness it once I’d finally tucked it through. 

I bit back an unearthly grunt when it slipped through my fingers again, far past the road of regret for having not just thrown on a pair of sandals.

“Here, let me.” I heard George say and before I knew what was happening, he’d gently taken hold of my ankle and pulled it up over his knee. 

I was quick to hold down the end of my dress, not wanting it to ride up, and swallowed past the lump which had rapidly formed in the back of my throat at the action. We weren’t meant to be talking, he wasn’t even supposed to be here, let alone tying my laces for me! 

I inhaled sharply at the feel of his thumb pressing against my skin. 

“I could do it myself.” I muttered to him quietly. He nodded, deft fingers fast as they wrapped themselves around a laced loop and tugged, tying a perfect bow.

“I know.” He replied just as softly, then peered over at me, and I wondered, briefly, what he saw.

A loud thump directly above us had us both startling out of whatever staring contest we’d lost ourselves in and I was quick to take back my leg, resettling myself in the position I’d taken earlier, actively avoiding meeting his eye. “Thanks.”

George coughed lightly but didn’t make the effort to move away like I thought he would. I fiddled with the straps of my dress for a moment, and it was then that my eyes seemed to make their way back over to him on their own accord.

He was dressed nicely, I noted. Clad in a light linen shirt, a contrast to all the black I’d seen him in lately, and a pair of washed blue jeans. I had to stop myself from reaching out towards him when my gaze finally caught the butterfly that had been embroidered into the thigh. It was bright, pretty. 

“I like the jeans.” I found myself stating, and although I kept my head trained towards the floor, I felt his gaze skitter over towards me.

“Got them last tour.” He murmured, fingernail picking at a stitch on top of the butterfly’s left wing. “Weird though, ’cause I thought of you when I first saw ‘em.”

Internally I screamed to myself. Why did he have to go and add that detail?

Then mindlessly my hand came to a rest on the right side of my ribcage, where we both knew a tiny butterfly tattoo was hidden away. Only now it was framed by scars, none of which he’d seen. 

“Oi, Hann where did you say my roll-on was again?” Came Matty’s loud shout from the landing just above us and I peered up to find him dangling over the banister, as though he figured it would further his voice the closer he got to the opposing door.

“In the bathroom cabinet!” Adam responded, far enough away that I strained to even hear it.

“The fuck you put it in there for?” Muttered Matty, exhaling a heavy huff as he started to push himself off of the banister, but that was when he caught sight of the two of us down below. He shot George and I the cheekiest smirk. “‘Ello, what’s all this then? Do I smell reconciliation in the air?”

I rolled my eyes, but my left ear had started ringing just after his hello and the sound of his voice quickly became muted. With a wince, I raised a hand and pressed a finger to the outer shell, something that typically helped dull the incessant sound.

Peering back up, I saw that Matty was no longer there and so I looked to George to see if I could read much of his expression, determine whether or not the curly haired twat had made the situation we were in any more uncomfortable.

But when I did, George was already looking back at me, hooded eyes trained on the hand I held against my ear, as well as my undeniable grimace. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked and I made it out, only just, by focusing on his lips.

“Ringing.” I said and realised I’d spoken a bit too loudly when his head jerked back a tad, apparently having caught him off guard. “Sorry, just- don’t worry, it’ll go in a sec.”

George’s worried eyes darted between mine when he nodded, and my face grew warm at the thought of him having to witness me like this. I went to stand, an excuse about needing some air already on the tip of my tongue, before he caught me. I glanced down to where his fingers gently brushed against the skin of my arm.

“What do you need?”

I blinked, surprised by the question.

I went to shake my head, wave him off, but his face turned imploring. “Come on, just tell me.”

The ringing felt like a tidal wave had just been funnelled through my ear canal and the sharp pain, which usually accompanied it, shot down my jaw. I didn’t care for the fact that it was George stood there anymore, or how his persona had shifted so quickly when he’d seen the distress I was suddenly in. So I let him help. I let him in.

“Pain relief.” I told him through gritted teeth. “Kitchen side.”

He dipped his head once, squeezed my elbow, then hurried off.

I, in turn, simply slumped against the staircase. Damning every deity there might’ve been for the position they’d put me in.

“Fucks sake.”

—

George had been shooting me looks all evening long. I couldn’t tell if they were of concern or question, but they were hard to ignore and even harder to avoid. 

I hadn’t mentioned the ringing I’d felt to anyone and he’d followed suit, which was something I’d much appreciated, and the whole thing had died down by the time we’d made it out the door. Though, I was still wary.

The five of us had crowded ourselves around a wooden table on the deck of a Grillhouse that sat a stretch away from the sand, it hadn’t been the first restaurant we’d passed by but was on the first street we’d wandered down. The weather was warm enough to sit out the front too, under a gazebo littered with a string of yellow fairy-lights and a long lit fire-pit. 

After settling in, we’d mainly just ordered both cold and hot tapas to pass around and share, and the guys had gotten a couple of pitchers for the table, which I’d stayed clear of. Matty, on the other hand, had folded like a deck of cards and claimed that ‘our little trip’ had ended almost three hours ago now. I’d shaken my head and laughed outwardly, stating that he’d failed to stay sober the second he’d chosen to have those glasses of cava two nights prior.

It had been nice though, sat around laughing and talking with them all. We hadn’t done something like it since my birthday dinner at Matty’s house all those weeks ago, and even then it’d been almost a year and a half before that. George and I were to blame for it, I knew that, but it was just so lovely being there with the four of them that I couldn’t bring myself to point fingers or blame. I just wanted to enjoy my time with them, not knowing how many more moments we’d get to do it again.

Ross throwing his napkin onto the table had sounded the end of dinner bell and so we’d paid and left the owner with a hefty tip for having put up with all our antics and rowdy party. Then started our walk back through the town.

“Oh, we’re so going in there!” Matty piped up the second he spotted a nightclub ahead and the lads were been quick to surrender, not that they’d put up much of a fight, most of them down to grab a couple more drinks and listen to some music. Knowing Matty and Ross they’d probably be looking for someone to take home too. 

I didn’t want to dampen the night, but I knew if I stayed with them I’d only ruin their fun. Plus, my head and ears wouldn’t thank me for it later.

So I begged off. “You know what, I’m gonna head back to the house, I’m knackered after all that food.” I laughed lightly, pressing a hand to my stomach. 

Hann and Ross were quick with their offers to join me, the latter already making plans to curl up on the sofa with a film on the giant tele, but then Matty started claiming that he’d walk me back to the villa and rejoin the lot of them later, which the other two had looked sort of okay with. But I’d hastily waved away each of their plans, not wanting to be a burden.

“No, you lot have fun. Enjoy Spain for me, yeah?” I grinned broadly, “I can grab a cab. I’m only gonna head straight to bed anyway.”

“But-” Both Ross and Matty attempted, I just shook my head.

“Honestly. I’ll be fine. More concerned about you idiots.”

The lot of them didn’t look too fond over the idea of me leaving on my own, but then George pocketed the phone he’d been so focused on during our walk over and stepped over the line of divide I’d made.

“I’m gonna go back too. Can’t be fucked with all the people, heads banging after those shots we had too.” He told them, surprising not only me but the rest of the boys as well.

“You sure, man?” Matty quizzed, brown eyes darting suspiciously over to where I stood for a split second.

George nodded at him, humming. “‘Course. Plus, I think we’ve already been made.”

We all followed the direction he’d jutted his chin in and spotted a trio of girls who’d just stumbled their way out of the club, one with their mobile already out, the other two giggling as they gawped at our group. 

Almost immediately I felt uncomfortable knowing that their eyes were on us. Which was new for me where fans were concerned. I frowned at the feeling, but then George was saying something in reply to Hann and the other three were parting ways from us, leaving George to turn and silently nod his head down the street at me.

I stepped over to join him, ignoring the becking calls I heard from behind us as we trailed back the way we’d came.

Once the shouts had finally died out and there weren’t too many large drunken groups swanning about, I had to fight to keep myself from questioning George on just what his motives had been when he’d offered to accompany me back to the house.

Albeit saying that, just because I was biting my tongue, didn’t mean that George had gotten the same memo. I looked over to him when I heard him speak.

“Want one?” He asked, and my gaze flitted down towards the Spanish pack of Camel’s he’d extended out towards me.

I wasn’t really supposed to be smoking, they’d said it would affect the healing process even weeks after surgery. And so I hadn’t touched one since the accident. Even Matty had avoided smoking around me, went to the struggle of changing clothes too whenever he’d gone through a couple whilst having been out. It’d been hard, to stop so abruptly. Even though I hadn’t been the world’s heaviest smoker, being told not to do something only made me crave it ten times harder.

So I stared down at the pack for more than a reasonable amount of time, enough to make George pause and question his offer.

“You can say no.”

I blinked and glanced up at his face, to the cigarette dangling from his bottom lip, then back down.

I didn’t want to say no, especially with the way my skin was still crawling from the few lingering looks the band typically garnered, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually do it.

So now we were at an odd sort of standstill. The two us stopped in the middle of a quiet little street, only lamps to light the way. He stood directly beneath one, gaze trained on me. My own flickered away from the pack and down to the slight movement his right hand made, where he’d just pulled something from his back pocket.

“Are you even allowed?” George asked me after a while and I wanted to shed an actual tear when he tucked the Camel’s back into his jeans to cradle a hand around the fag he had in his mouth. 

I went to nod but hesitated, unsure, then felt my head tilt sideways when I caught a glimpse of the shiny metal he held, it glinted under the light of the streetlamp.

“Why do you still have that?” I questioned him as he proceeded to light his cigarette, then watched when he lowered the lighter to peer down at it.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

What was with all these questions? Why could neither one of us just give the other a straight answer?

“‘Cause I gave it to you.” I replied, voice quiet as I took in the familiar smell of smoke that released from his parted lips.

“Exactly.” George said, flicking the old lighter over in his palm a few more times, eyes drifting up towards me again.

“You kept it because I gave it to you?” I asked for clarification, brows knitting together.

He looked back at me as though he thought I was stupid for even asking, then shrugged. “It was your dad’s. It meant something to him, then it meant something to you. Now it means something to me.”

I swallowed thickly. He was the most bewildering person I knew. Even when I felt like I had him figured out, he’d toss a spanner into the works. 

“Can I?”

His forehead pinched at my question, then he held the lighter out towards me. I just shook my head, I knew that lighter better than the back of my own hand, having carried it around with me for more than half a decade. I didn’t need it, nor did I want it. I’d gifted it to him and, as much as he’d hurt me, I still loved him. Always would. He was George.

“No,” I said and then gestured to his mouth. His eyebrows lifted but was quick to dip his head at the ask, taking the cigarette from between his lips to hold out towards me. I took it cautiously and held it between my fingertips for a second, “Sort of like riding a bike, ain’t it?”

George started to cough when the smoke he’d just inhaled got caught in the back of his throat as he laughed. “Sort of.” He chuckled, still coughing away as he slapped a hand against his chest, “Fuckin’ hell, Birdie.”

I couldn’t help the grin I wore as I watched on, then started to walk again, pressing the end of the cigarette to my lips. I only inhaled a small amount and savoured the strange but familiar taste, glancing back over my shoulder to blow a trail of smoke at George who’d quickly caught up with his long legs.

I took another drag, a bigger one this time, and let my eyes fall close at the release it gave me before I made myself pass it back to him.

“Much easier than riding a bike.” I deemed, smiling around a ring of smoke and looking over at him when he chuckled again.

“Probably.” George reasoned, staring down at the pink embering flame. “So, why’re you really headed back then?”

“Could ask you the same.” I quipped in retort, watching my feet trail over broken cobblestones. 

George hummed, was quiet for a minute, then tried again, “Alright, how’s this then, I ask you a question, you answer, you ask me a question, I answer. You only get to skip one.”

I narrowed my eyes in thought. This could be just what I’d been hoping for all those weeks ago, back at George’s, but I wondered if I even wanted to know now. If I was better not.

With a shrug, I levelled him with a look. “Any other rules?”

“Have to tell the truth.”

“Obviously.” 

He pursed his lips at my interruption but carried on like I hadn’t spoken. “And the questions end the second we reach the house.”

I thought it over and supposed that was fair. It wasn’t much of a walk back, but there’d be enough time to get a couple good questions in.

“Alright. Who goes first?”

George took another drag, hummed, then gestured towards me. “Ladies first and all that.”

Ever the gentleman. 

I huffed a tiny chuckle, then said, “Fine, favourite colour?” George gave me a bewildered look, as if to say really? And so I shrugged at him, smiling. “Figured we’d start off easy.”

His eyes trailed between my own. “Green.”

I nodded. It’d had always been green, so I guess it was nice to know that at least that hadn’t changed.

“Did you really fancy Andy Lough in year eleven?”

His question caught me so off guard that I released an ugly snort. 

“Oh yeah,” I exaggerated, “All those muscles and the fact that he only ever talked about rugby, proper got me going.”

“Can’t lie, remember.” George grinned at me and so I rolled my eyes, wearing a small smile of my own. 

“I was teasing, Daniel.” I replied with a drawn out sigh, “But fine, no I didn’t.”

He hummed. “Knew it.”

I shook my head at him, then remembered it was my go. “Erm, so did you ever make up with your mum?”

His attention darted towards me at that, like a rubber band snapping back into place. 

“Okay, so I guess we’re easing away from easy now…”

I almost wanted to apologise but didn’t, he had a skip. If he wanted to, he could not answer. And besides, I was curious. Had been since I’d brought her up at his the night of the accident. 

George’s mum was very much a sensitive topic, and although she’d always liked me, I’d struggled to form much of a connection to her, or any of George’s immediate family for that matter. He hardly ever saw them, never even spoke much about them either, but when he did, it was only in a fits of irritation, or anger.

George was quiet for a few steps and for a moment I really believed that he was going to use his skip. But then he cleared his throat lightly, “We did and we didn’t.”

I glanced over at him, curious, but found him staring out at the dark blue that had stained the sky just over the hill.

“She couldn’t get over me being away so much. Having my name in the papers and online. She hated it, said it made her look bad.” He divulged and took another long drag, “When we argued over it, that last time, she said some shit. It was hard to hear. And my dad, he didn’t say a word about it. Just let her get away with it. We’ve spoken since but haven’t really seen each other.”

“What about Christmas?” I couldn’t help but ask him. 

George turned to me with a convincing enough smirk then. “My go, remember?”

"What do you mean, wasn't that your question?” I smart-mouthed, but he was always quick on the uptake.

“Ah, and now it’s just come back to me.”

I shook my head and chuckled. “Go on then.”

“That doctor,” He begun and already I wanted to groan. Really? He’d waste a question on something as awkward as this? It would seem so because he really did. “What’s up with you and him?”

I wrapped my arms around myself, mostly to ward off the nippy air that had crept up on us, but perhaps as a precautionary measure too, already feeling a spike in my anxiety.

“We met before he was my doctor.” I revealed, aiming for nonchalance, “We bumped into each other whilst I’d been waiting for Matty. He was nice, we spoke for a while. But the next time I saw him was when I ended up in hospital. Didn’t even know he was a doctor ’til then.”

“So you’re not seeing him?” George asked and I raised an eyebrow at his cheek to even try.

“One, that’s none of your business. Two, it’s my go, remember?” I smirked as I repeated his words back to him. He relented easily enough. “Okay. Um, why’d you lie about LA when we split?”

The cigarette we’d shared had since burnt down to a stub and I watched on as George kicked the butt away with his foot, hands tucking themselves into the back pockets of his jeans.

“I don’t know really.” And he shrugged as best he could with the way he’d restrained himself, staring off again. “First thing that came to mind I ‘spose and, I don’t know, sounded like the best idea at the time. LA, I could work, keep my mind off things, party and just forget.”

I swallowed thickly. Forget what? I wanted to ask, but it wasn’t my turn.

“Ended up ‘round Ross’s didn’t I?” George went on, “Camped out there for weeks. Was a proper cunt to me about it, too. Switched off the hot water whenever he was home and I was in the shower. Made me take the bins out and wash his shit-stained pants. Pretty sure he even combed his beard with my toothbrush too, though he never did admit it.”

I snorted, unable to help the path my mind strayed to, “Could’ve just as easily been his pubes.”

The grimace that morphed George’s entire face had me howling with laughter. 

“Why’d you have to go and say that!” He cried and I struggled to breathe a tad, ended up almost stumbling into him as we continued walking, but I caught the crook of his elbow just before I could. 

He was still looking a little queasy at the thought, though he was chuckling away now as well.

I couldn’t help myself. “I’m sorry, I am. But knowing Ross…”

“Yeah, yeah.” George was quick to bat my comment away, obviously not wanting to think about it much more than he already had. He untucked his hand from his pocket then and neither one of us said a thing about it when we silently decided to keep our arms linked. “Fucking hell, really do not want to be thinking about my tongue having been anywhere near-”

He cut himself off with a gagging sort of sound and I was grinning so hard it’d started to hurt.

“Awh! I bet Ross looks after all his downstairs bits though, you know, seeing how perfectly well-kept his beard is.”

“Birdie, please.” George all but begged, wincing at my words, “Change the subject.”

I eased up. “Fine, but only because I’m so lovely.”

He scoffed, “Yeah and someday I’ll win a BAFTA.”

“Oi, you could.” I defended with a faint slap to his bicep. “You’ve got the face for it. Could see you in loads of films.”

“Oh yeah?” George smirked, fishing for another compliment, I figured. “Playing what?”

“Stroke victim or summat.”

He gaped and then glared at me, but smiled when I laughed.

“I’m just joking, G. Christ, don’t go taking my head off.” George was silent for a second and I peered up to find him already watching me. I furrowed my brow. “What?”

“Just, ’s been a while since you last called me that.” He murmured and I felt my chest tighten at the expression he wore. 

G. It’d been the name I’d dubbed him with way back when, something which had caught on quick… Those 1975 boys were a bunch of thieves, I tell you, they'd even pinched their own band name. 

I shrugged a shoulder at him, trying to act like it’d been nothing more than a slip. “You gonna go then? Pretty sure it’s your turn.”

“Right.” George remembered, the glint in his eye gone now as he turned to look ahead. “Um, alright, why’d you really want to leave tonight then?”

“Oh,” I was honestly surprised that he’d even remembered the question that’d started this whole charade off, let alone realise that he actually cared to know. I licked at my lower lip and then took a deep breath. “Truth?” I exhaled, the word falling from my mouth before I could stop myself, trailing out into the wind.

He nodded.

“Alright, so since the um,” I struggled to find another word for it, but realised that there probably weren’t many. “After the accident…” 

I felt George tense beside me but decided to continue on anyway. He had asked and I was yet to utilise my skip. 

“Basically I’ve had a lot of trouble with my head, migraines and all that. I hit it pretty hard the first time around, they reckoned I must’ve flown at least a couple of feet-”

“I know.”

My breath hitched at his quiet comment and I attempted to keep my cool, to carry on like he hadn’t said a word, like he hadn’t just said that.

“I, yeah, right well, when I hit it, it did a bit more damage than they first realised. The impact perforated my eardrum or something of the like. Could hardly hear out of the left side for ages after I woke up, kept buzzing and ringing, sounded like it did when you’d hold a seashell up to your ear at the beach when you were a kid, only worse.”

“And now?” He prompted, our feet moving like clockwork. Left and then right, again and again.

“Just happens whenever now. Struggle to hear out of it properly most of the time, but the doctors say it could heal. I dunno about that though.”

“Why not?”

I sighed quietly, mostly to myself, hand still gripping at his arm. “Not sure, the pain I guess. And the fact that it hasn’t eased up since.”

George hummed and surprised me when he laid his hand over my own, fingers longer than mine, hiding them beneath his. “Is that what happened, you know, earlier?”

With a nod I found myself replying easily, “Yeah. After I fainted, they’ve been ringing more and more frequently. Louder now too. Alvaro says is post-concussion syndrome, that I’ll just have to suffer through until it heals on its own.”

I shrugged the shoulder not pressed against George’s side.

“Could be worse, I ‘spose.” 

And George, he squeezed my hand tightly, tight enough to whiten the skin of his knuckles whilst he just nodded in retort. He kept quiet for a long while after.

It was just as the familiar hill, the villa hid behind, came into view that he spoke up again.

“Reckon we’ve got time for one more question. Your go, ain’t it?”

I glanced up at him, it was late and the stars were out, being stood there with him brought back a lot of emotions. Memories of us in Denise’s back garden, on the curb outside my house when I’d locked us out, in the backseat of his tiny Corsa, curled up on the grassy fields behind the school...

"Instead of a question, can I have a promise?”

“Isn’t that a question in itself?” He teased, but must’ve seen the look on my face because he was quickly nodding, “Yeah, you can have a promise, Birdie.”

It was an effort to tear my gaze away from his, but I couldn’t just ask and risk seeing his reaction if it went wrong. 

We’d long since stopped walking, so I took a deep breath and felt his hand squeeze mine again. “Can you just promise me that tomorrow, when you’re sober and had time to sleep on it, that you’ll finally consider telling me everything?”

His breath hitched at my words and I forced my eyes to find the floor.

“And when I say everything, George, I really mean it. Even the stuff that hurts. Especially the stuff that hurts.”

George didn’t reply straight away. Actually I’m not sure how much time passed before I felt his fingertips skim the skin of my jaw, drawing my gaze back.

He looked so serious when my eyes found his and for a moment everything fell away. The resentment I held, the struggle to heal, the cold that had long since wrapped its way around my fragile heart.

“I can make that promise.”

Part Twenty-Three>

[hypersomniagame]

HYPERSOMNIA JUNE DEV LOG : “FASHIONABLY LATE”

Hi! I already wrote this entire dev log but I closed the tab by accident, so it's now 10:55pm and I'm going to try and speedrun writing something that took me an hour to write.

For all of you who follow HYPERSOMNIA, you should already know what the gist is here I've been saying this for 6 months.

if you don't know what this is or are confused on what HYPERSOMNIA is read the other dev logs i've said this like every time lol

So, just as a heads up this log isn't going to be super long with new content because I have been insanely busy these last few months! I just graduated High School and the last few months have been me cramming to make sure I pass and could graduate and now I am!!! Yay!!!

I won 2 awards at my grad (One of them being excellence in arts :D) and the other I was given a check for 200$ so I snagged one of these!

Super happy I finally got a display tablet for drawing, I've wanted one of these since I was like 14 and it feels awesome to have one now. I got this thing super cheap too, this thing usually goes for like 300-350 Canadian and I got it for 130! Super super happy about this.

That's all from me personally, but I would like to say just as 1 last thing before the updates, Happy Pride Month to all who identify as LGBTQ+, I myself am queer and just want to remind all of you that you are loved and accepted. Hopefully I can get this out before midnight so it's still pride month LOL

OK! NOW FOR UPDATES! I don't have too much to share today but I do have somethings I want to show off.

First things first, I've been respriting some characters! Ross and Jack are the biggest edits I've made so far so I'd like to show them off.

(Left is old, and right is new!)

Ross' walking sprites were updated! I was kind of dissatisfied with how Ross looks like he's struttin' everywhere so I redid it to give him a more casual walk. I'm very happy with this change and I plan for it to be the base walking animation going forward. I also updated his side profiles slightly to look closer to the key art I illustrated.

Jack also had his idles redone! He I think was the biggest thing I needed to resprite, his old sprite is kind of cluttered and poorly detailed so for his new one I simplified a lot of the shading and reshaped his hair and mask. I think it came out really well.

Also, just earlier I was working on music for the game.

I'm really happy with how this came out, I just got high and made Half-Life music (Which is what I was aiming for LOL)

Hopefully I can get to a point where I can finish off the soundtrack for the demo and post it all. Some friends of mine were a bit sad I delisted the tracks I had up initially so I hope to get those up again soon.

I've also been storyboarding out some early game cutscenes, I can't show a lot because it's all a bit spoiler-y but I will put this in the log.

And one last thing too, THE MOTHER DIRECT!

on July 27 at 6PM ET, MOTHER FOREVER will be hosting the MOTHER Direct, which HYPERSOMNIA is a part of!

There'll be a ton of indie games, fan projects, and other things relating to or inspired by the MOTHER series! Please give it a watch if you can. If you can't make it, the event will remain on MOTHER FOREVER's YouTube channel, and I'll be uploading HYPERSOMNIA's trailer on YouTube, Twitter, Steam, and here. If you do catch the stream or end up watching it after, leave a comment! Tell 'em Ferris sent ya. Do it, or I'll cry. I'm expecting at least 1 "Ferris sent me!" or I'll cry. I swear, I will do it!

If this is your first log you're reading, or even your first time seeing ANYTHING relating to HYPERSOMNIA, I got a whole bunch of links for you to check out if you wanna know more about me and my stupid little game.

TWITTER

YOUTUBE

STEAM

UNIQUE INDIE RPG'S [SHOW US YOUR GAME!]

[PREV] [ABOUT HYPERSOMNIA] [NEXT]

[fragmentofmemories]

Since you reblogged that post about how it's ok to send you questions & statements 👀 I'll try asking a few!

a) do you draw traditionally ? if yes what's your favourite medium ?

b) do you have a favourite Touhou-related track/song ? or any recommendations ?

c) is there any voice actor you especially like ? (from any country)

d) is there a specific character or media you really like but don't make fancontent of (for whatever reason) ?

Feel free to only answer to the questions that interests you btw~

I feel like most of these answers are going to be boring because I'm somewhat neutral on these (lol), but I'll try anyway--

a) The answer is... Not really! I spent my earliest drawing years (2019-2020) using a sketchbook and whatever stationery I had. Nothing really professional or creative, just me practicing for the first time.

Which is to say I haven't drawn traditionally in a long while. As soon as I got my first and current tablet, I switched fully to Digital.

Although, that's part of the reason why I want to buy a new tablet with a screen (I don't really know what those are called).

It's not traditional, obviously, but I feel like it'd help me improve my drawing skills further. Also I need to switch my old tablet.

Don't ask me for any pre-2021 drawings btw. Besides being very low quality, I just don't feel like talking about them.

---

b) If you haven't listened to the Cafe de Touhou albums before, I'd definitely recommend those! There's 8 of them, each one themed after a different game, but they're all great.

As for official tracks, I can't say I have many favorites, but if I were to pick a few:

This might be a hot take of sorts, but music is probably the aspect that interests me the least about Touhou. By no means I'm saying it's bad, obviously. I'm just saying that, compared to the characters, gameplay, worldbuilding and everything else the series offers, the music never interested me as much.

---

c) VAs are something I haven't payed much attention to, unless it's someone very prominent in the field and you can immediately tell "Oh they hired X again for this character".

I'm guessing Johnny Yong Bosch comes to mind first when it comes to VAs, just because he tends to voice my favorites (lol). He's the current voice of Zero (Mega Man), and he also voiced P4 Hero (Persona 4), and Lelouch vi Britannia (Code Geass, also my favorite performance of his).

Meme answer, but I'd also like to add Carlos Villega for being the Latin American voice for Hisoka in 1999 Hunter X Hunter. I say it's a meme because, for some reason, he was given a French accent in that version and I can't think of him without it as a result.

1999 HxH's Latin American dub didn't age very well, but it's nostalgic to me nonetheless.

---

d)

Since I'm pretty much in a Castlevania mood rn, I have to wonder why haven't I drawn Shanoa yet?

She's one of my favorite protagonists ever (if not my favorite), her character is tragic and incredibly well written, and her design is just plain elegant.

Yet, I never stopped to think "I should draw her next", for some unknown reason. Perhaps in my spare time, while I'm taking a break off ODG, maybe?

Besides her, there are other characters I really like yet never drew before, which is to say Leif and Shanna (Fire Emblem), Kasumi Todoh (Art of Fighting) and Rei Reiho (Devil Summoner)

Lastly there's my non EO/CoH DRPG parties (I.E currently Labyrinth of Zangetsu and Stranger of Sword City). Drawing six characters at once takes a long time...

[seven-thewanderer]

Okay after a lot of stress of doing this, I made this drawing!!!

and here's a version w/out the darkness:

And there was supposed to be a version that was just the bg, but...

that leads into why I got stressed

I'll explain, but I'll put it below a cut so people aren't forced to see me ranting

So rant below:

The combination of Kleki + my often-glitches chromebook is a free helltrip.

So, as I've explained probably in June, my tablet is not working, forcing me to use my Chromebook to interact, and Kleki, this random drawing site, to draw

And Kleki is already not preferred by me, since:

It has a limit of 16 layers (sure, it used to only have 8, which was worse, but I'd still prefer more layers)

It doesn't really have a blur tool (sure, it has a blurring edit labelled Tilt Shift, but it doesn't work really like a blur tool would)

You can't select a specific part of a layer (example: Say for the drawing above, I put two heads: One is SunBun's, one is Moonpie's. However, Moonpie's isnt where I want it to be! It would be simple to just... select Moonpie's head, right? Nope!! You can't select one of them, you select the whole layer!! I've at least found a cheat of duplicating the layer, removing Sun's head on one & Moon's on the other, and then moving the layer that only has Moon's head. However, ya cant do that when you already have 16 layers, can ya??)

You can't select & recolor a part of a layer. (this is something I honestly use a lot if I'm drawing Sun and/or Moon lineless. I select the head, and then draw the cresent, with no worry of having to erase the outer lines. However, this one doesn't do that, and that upsets me slightly, but it's not too big of an issue.

No folders for layers (I don't usually use folders w/ layers so this doesn't bother me, but I found out from someone who I won't name that folders can be helpful when drawing, and this site didn't have that, so yeah for any folder users or anyone who needs a lot of layers then good luck using Kleki)

Trying to undo something and hitting the Share button by accident (this annoys me so much. I make a mistake, try to undo it, and have to deal with seeing "Kleki.Com says sharing not supported" over and over again like I KNOW!!! SHUT UPP!!!!)

And probably many more issues that I just can't think of rn

Of course this is just how I feel about it, and most of my issues towards it are based off of how I used IbisPaintX (what I would draw with on my tablet), but Kleki just makes me wish my tablet gets fixed quicker...

Cus honestly drawing would be easier for me on IbisPaintX than on Kleki...

But that's not it...

Since at the start I said the combination of Kleki & my often-glitches chromebook, right?

I've explained Kleki, what about my Chromebook?

well...

the screen will randomly go black.

when you least expect it.

Like some examples:

Writing something? A story, or an assignment, or something like that? Boom, black screen.

Watching a video? Boom, black screen.

Looking/scrolling through something? Boom, black screen. (or sometimes it just freezes, but that's only happened if I'm scrolling mainly...)

Drawing? Boom, black screen!!

But for that last one, that's not just it!!

so to finish that little equation?

Kleki plus my often-glitches Chromebook equals....

Your drawing is now lost to the void!!! Yippee!!! (<- /s)

But yeah I was drawing (and I've learned almost every step you gotta save it), and while I was working on the oven & wall of the bg, it glitched & I lost it

And I had it stepped out like this:

Sunbun & Moonpie

Roller

Dough

Sugar jar BG

Table BG

Oven BG

Wall BG

I reached the oven, but started working on the wall at the same time, and it did the thing!!! And since I saved after the Table, that meant 1-5 were all now 1 layer, and I couldn't have a separate bg image anymore, since the sugar jar & the table was meant to be a part of the BG!! Yippee!!!

So yeah, though I'm glad it didn't glitch while I was drawing Sunbun & Moonpie (since I would've just given up then), I'm still pissed.

But that's enough ranting, cus I don't like ranting. ...at least, I don't like me ranting.

[siblings-a-fixin]

Rambling mun post under the cut.

TL;DR: A discussion on my blog and characters, discussing how low-activity things are and where my characters stand.

I don’t know what it is, but something recently got me thinking about this blog and the characters within.

I actually got quite sentimental; the blobs themselves have been some of my longest-running fandomless original characters, and they’ve helped me experiment with various things, such as writing and drawing more. The blog has helped me meet wonderful people, many of whom I’m in touch with to this day.

That being said, it’s not a secret that I haven’t updated here much at all. To tell the truth, I’m uncertain about the fate of the blog itself.

Mind you, this isn’t announcing anything; it’s more of a discussion.

So when I started this blog (June 12, 2013), this was an ask blog (which was a bigger thing at the time) called “askthefourthwallrepairman” (later shortened to the misspelled acronym “askthefwrp” and later the name this has today). Back then, I just had MS Paint, a tablet given as a gift, and a fun little idea.

A lot has changed since then, both on the blog (a shift to RP, Cat Slime and Marie joining, and different art programs being used) and in my life (graduating high school and college, joining the workforce, and my interests generally being in flux). Things changed in the Tumblr RP scene, in terms of both the people and how things were done, and I think in several ways I failed to adapt. I don’t regret this, mind, but it is a fact.

On top of all this, the Fourth Wall Repairman started as a gimmicky joke made by a teenager. As I grew older, I saw more potential in the concept, and still do. A lot of ideas were thrown around without much care, but I would love to explore them more thoroughly. This goes for both Marie and Cat Slime, as well; I think there are possibilities that I didn’t take advantage of at the time.

I don’t know what I’ll do with this blog, but I am certainly keeping my Fourth Wall Repair Crew, and maybe you’ll see them again, whether that’s here or elsewhere. I’ll keep you posted on that front.

In any case, I want to thank you all for viewing and engaging with this blog. I'd also like to thank those of you that read this far.

If anyone has questions for me about the blog or about my characters, though, I’d be glad to answer them OOC.

[vohtaro]

3, 8, 19, 21 for the ask game :-]

weirdly specific artist ask game !

(answers got long oops)

3. What ideas come from when you were little

in general, i don't know that i really use ideas from when i was little. but i do have one example that comes to mind: i remember when i was innnnnnn 3rd grade? i drew a tiger for some assignment. it was a tiger drinking from a lake, and i remember being so proud of myself for how i had drawn it. i mean, really, i'd basically stared at a reference and copied it. it wasn't divine ingenuity or anything KDJGHSK. but, it really made me love tigers. for some reason, drawing that tiger made me so appreciative of the animal and i became rather obsessed w them for a while. i genuinely wish i still had that drawing somewhere. i'd love to just how wonk that tiger i drew really was LMAO

the reason i bring that up is that this past year was the year of the tiger, and to celebrate tigers, i drew this . the idea was very fun for me and reminded me of a long-ago dream of mine which was to become some kind of animal caretaker.

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in

-glances nervously at my wip graveyard-

there are a couple stand-out ones in my head. there's a comic idea i've had since february (oh almost a year ago 🚶‍♂️) about the specific moments in which madara changed from the moment of izuna's death to the point he decides to investigate the tablet. it's born from the "you've changed" dialogue from VotE bc madara says it towards hashirama but i was thinking about how madara had changed too and particular/episodic moments that caused a shift in him. the idea exploded from maybe 3-4 pages to like 17 and i have never made a long-form comic before, so i got overwhelmed the more time went by. there are so many pieces i like but my utter inexperience has essentially killed the project for now. i'd like to come back to it one day, but it may be a long time from now. to say i've lost interest in it isn't quite true, but i haven't been pursuing it because i often open what i have and get frustrated and stop LMAO

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

c-can i say none KDSJHGJKS

i think it's obv that i'm very comfortable drawing figures… perhaps a little too comfortable. this is a feeling i've honestly been wrestling with the past few weeks. i do genuinely wish i liked drawing nature especially. i feel like i could really enjoy that, but i haven't given myself the opportunity to explore that, and every time i think about doing it, my discomfort becomes painfully clear to me to the point i scrub any evidence of it from things i do finish.

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

yoshitaka amano is an artist i really enjoy. i found him through a friend on twt and have enjoyed exploring what to me is such a vastly different approach artistic expression. his devaloka series is particularly fascinating to me and has inspired some personal work.

example from devaloka series (more can be found here)

yayoi kusama is a traditional artist who really just has an insanely diverse portfolio. there is a great documentary called "yayoi kusama: infinity" which not only explores her life but also the concept of infinity through her artistic vision. (the documentary has some heavy subject matter, so please be advised)

i am personally fond of her infinity nets (image from this article)

[came0dust]

finally took off the limiters (read: plugged in my tablet instead of just drawing on my phone) so i got to use layers and select tool and an actually workable canvas size so i started with hc/design stuff for the captain. chickenscratch transcriptions and elaboration under the cut. (this old agent 3/captain's name is typhoon and they use they/he!)

it is once again a late-night drawing/posting moment where im choosing to post immediately instead of potentially just not releasing anything bc i got cold feet after waking up the morning after. i'm making an effort to make sense but if anything is not comprehensible or you just want more details, the ask box is open. i'd love to talk about what ive got for any of my characters so far! moving along in about the order i drew/wrote things in, let's start here

left text: "10-year consecutive 'worst posture' award winner."

right text: "(its okay they don't have bones)"

i started off drawing them doing The Thing that is captain's idle pose for the majority of the game but i didnt like the first sketch so i was like "okay i want a Good line of action and then im gonna build around that" and this is what came of it. they just like extremely twisted around and would absolutely be destroying their spine if they had one bc that was just the flow of the sketch apparently. i was gonna also color this but i didnt really like how it was going and i started losing the details of the pose the longer i went (i dont really like how the look of the clothes came out and it probably shows) so i just kind of left it.

right text (it was written first) 1: "eyebrow tapers on the outside / [drawing of a default masculine inkling eyebrow from a front-facing angle, labeled:] in-game default / vs / [drawing of typhoon's eyebrow from the same angle, labeled:] typhoon"

right text 2: "wide eyeshape / [drawing of typhoon's eye from the front without the accompanying inkling mask] / curves higher up than down"

right text 3: "somewhat squared jaw"

right text 4: "(his) right eye (including mask) is damaged from The Goopening still, even five years later"

left text 1: "ears more 'elf ear'-ish / compare"

left text 2: "the kiddos [representing the overall player inkling design, roughly 14]" / "typhoon [who is 21, as they were 14 during the events of splatoon 1, which was 7 years ago now. i dont want to get super long-winded in the middle of transcription so hold these tidbits for a second]¹

left text 3: "squisters"

left text 4: "okay i do actually just wanna draw frye now"

bottom text: "vaguely hostile autistic gaze (there is nothing to point to for this one)"

ive been doing a lot of jumping around fleshing out my splatoon ocs (which currently consists primarily of my agents) and like essentially reentering my splatoon mind. to start with, each of my player agent ocs were on some level self-inserts of differing amounts (i mean theyre literally like. inkfish you to a certain extent. like in many respects theyre pretty much blank slates by design (or lack thereof as promo material just uses one of the default options which are by no means mandatory given the whole player settings screen existing and yknow. being acknowledged. you get it right)) but by now they're pretty separate. there are some more overarching themes to them though that im keeping in, like a sort of longing for identity in the transition from teenager to adult where others seem to be more realized. if that makes sense. finding and wrangling with one's senses of identity and purpose so far is a thing for all of these guys. gee i wonder where that came from. anyways the thought i had to like cut out for flow is actually not going to be that great to do that to bc i was thinking i'd segue into that but i didnt like this next part is more of a design thought

¹my current working hc which informs the designs of my splatoon ocs so far includes the idea that ear shape is something that can vary not just from person to person but also with age and that the thinner, pointed, more traditionally "elf-like" ear (seen in the squid sisters, grandpa cuttlefish, and frye, as examples) might be more common the older an inkling is, compared to the blunter, more equilateral triangle-ish shape from the younger player inklings and others. of importance, this isn't hard and fast, not even to typhoon's design, as i can also very easily come back to it later and be like "hm. yeah i dont actually feel like doing this for them", but i was thinking about the ear shape from that inkling development chart from however many years ago and was like .. okay actually i don't remember what i thought in detail im really about to conk out honestly. but for example, dallas (my agent 4), who's just 2 years younger doesn't have the elf-y ears either (well hes not supposed to, but i dont think it really showed last post 💀) because that's just not how his ears look or will look (likewise for a less fleshed out non-agent character who is also an inkling and of a similar age). not to mention, of course, the many band members who are inklings with the triangular ears, as the idea is again that the elf-ear look becomes More common with age, not that it Is common immediately. even still, though, typhoon's ears arent the exact same shape as callie and marie's either, but more sort of in between them and the player inklings. all this to say, my goal is in part to have some variety more particular to splatoon than just general humanoid frame things outside of the hairstyles bc thats something that i have struggled with and so as it stands im basically tossing things at the wall to see what sticks and either working from there or tearing it all down and starting over.

anyways i like to also draw typhoon's tentacles down. the shapes are fun. sometimes they want them away from their face but sometimes they don't care

long-ass tangent aside, here comes another one unless i immediately decide i would rather be asleep now that it's almost 3am

left 1, ripley (new agent 3): "Are they... okay?"

left 2, callie: "Oh, they're just like that!"

right: "Actually just kind of spacey, they give off a sometimes imposing energy. Bad at communicating otherwise, they tend to just kind of go with it. Overall naturally deadpan, surprisingly oblivious a lot of the time."

i dont know why i started going pokedex mode there but i do know it was before 1am when i wrote that. i have a Bunch of shit written down in various places (personally. i don't have very much more than the barest introductory stuff up yet bc of the fact that im still ironing out a bunch of these things) and it was at this point that i realized i cant really distill it into notes but i'll explain a little bit. splatoon 1 was huge for me as a budding artist and someone like. beginning to actually Think about things? it was the first thing i really found myself world-building with, it was a huge factor in me having realizations about myself, and even if retroactively so (after all, taunt parties were a thing in brawl and i played the shit out of that), got me thinking about video game communication and (likely not the right term) pseudo-languages and a whole bunch of other things. some of these don't directly relate to typhoon's development but what does relate to it is .. oh the train of thought literally disappeared actually. uh.

the text next to the signature: "back at it again with the clipped studio at fucking midnight" [it is 3am now]

oh yeah right shit. neurodivergence. as was bestowed unto me, i hath bestoweth It upon Mine Cephalopodes. that was the train of thought probably. i took the way i end up just kind of Not looking when i start thinking sometimes and exaggerated it to be possibly a little unnerving bc i just think it would be fun to have typhoon just end up looking accidentally a bit creepy bc shit man i be feeling like that sometimes. he just like me fr. i have more words but not the time im sleepy honk shoo

[amplexadversary]

Utena Movie thoughts

Oh, I recognize this architecture, it's UC Davis's The Death Star, but with a little more acrophobia thrown in for good measure!

And the shadow chorus girls now have aliases and a radio show. Okay.

Also Short hair Utena? Pretty dapper I've got to say, though I'm more used to the long hair design.

Whereas Jury's hair got even longer lol

Oh, we're getting out the "Ultraman references" early, I see. (coming back to this observation, the crosses are in fact relevant later in the film)

And Utena actually knows Touga ahead of time in this one.

See, if I had given in and watched the dub, I'd probably be bitching about repetitive dialogue, but the sub merely feels like it's determined to teach me today's vocabulary word in Japanese (mind, this is a JOKE. The word is dropped so frequently because a whole lot of anime is being compressed into less tha 90min)

Ah, I see this is the version of events after Touga has an encounter with RL Stein's Cuckoo Clock of Doom; if Utena had been childhood friends with Touga in the show's timeline Nanami would have pushed her off a building.

It's a but weird seeing Anthy with her hair down outside of a worrisome emotional scene. I don't like how they straightened her hair either. And no glasses? At least she's less passive in this version?

Yeah, I don't know about the hair thing. In the original, the long-haired Utena and the shorter (appearing) haired Anthy prevented the main pairing from having too much of a butch/femme dichotomy. Anthy feels very off model throughout this entire thing (Utena too, to a lesser extent.)

Well that's certainly an... efficient level of composite-charactering from Shiori's summary. The movie really makes Shiori much more two-faced as well. And Touga less. Not sure how I feel about that.

Okay my joke about Touga being in an RL Stein book was not in good taste given just how much we're doing composite characters here, but I'm not going to remove it. That elevator scene was well done, I have to say.

Speaking of "efficient," the film does not hold on to its cards nearly as hard as the show does (proportionately speaking). I guess the intent would be for people to have already watched the show. (yeah no they were building on the end enough that they wanted to Get There as quickly as possible)

I have nothing to say about the first "scandalous tape" that I haven't already said about Nanami. As for the second... I think they manage to show a lot more while showing a lot less, particularly when you realize that that fizzy tablet is NOT alka-seltzer (I think the reason why the writers made it fizz is again to draw attention - this time to the tablet going in Anthy's drink)

----------------------------------------

Okay so we're working with a much more uh, figurative scenario compared to the show. The climax has something to say and it does so basically purely through metaphor.

The "world" here resents Anthy for getting out from under Akio's thumb, blames her for his (accidental lmao) death, because why should she get to leave? (I appreciate Shiori's dialogue here in trying to be the person who "deserves" to get out. She frames it as a competition she must win, a race, a zero sum game where only the fastest to leave gets out. When that is uh. not the case but very much how some people treat it IRL, so that's pretty clear.)

And Utena's role. She fails in the show. She does not rescue Anthy, Anthy has to leave on her own.

In the film. Uh. Utena very much goes with her. But she does so in a way where she's not able to directly help; Anthy has to drive.

Honestly I'm sure there's more to say here but I'm kind of reeling from the spectacle of Getting Changed By The Big Machine, set to a juiced up version of the Absolute Destiny Apocalypse theme song.

Look, you're not going to get an "A" essay on the first watch of a movie with that scene from someone who

Um

is really into the vehicle/body horror thing that a certain other anime has going for it.

Look does anyone honestly expect someone who gives the *non judgemental but knowing look* to the Nanami Cow Episode to not have their own deviantart-tier kinks?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I see what's ultimately going on with the movie. It's asking the audience to do a LOT more heavy lifting dissecting the metaphor of what's going on, adds another layer of fantasy on top of the fantasy, and gets much farther away from the literal in order to play up how fraught Anthy's Power Word: Leave would be.

And in exchange for that we get a less bittersweet, but still open ending, and an actual Utena/Anthy kiss.

[galactichelium]

Oh yeah forgot to say this. I got my graphics tablet 2 days ago which would be great if the stand for it didn't come in a second package 😭. What I think happened was that they had stock for the graphics tablet in Australia so they were able to send that to me quickly. But they had to get the stand from China, so that's in a separate package that I need to wait longer for. From how it's looking rn I THINK I should get my stand tomorrow? There's no estimated delivery but based on the updates it's given me + knowing how it usually goes, I can guess. But yeah.

Also depending on how things go I might be switching art programs and going to use Krita instead of CSP. I'd really rather not to, but like. Nerd computer shit below the cut, you don't need to read but if you're curious as to why.

While on my Surface Pro 2 (9 years old, I got it second-hand) I still have Windows 10 obviously, on my good computer that I hope to fully switch to, I've got Linux. Specifically Manjaro if anyone cares.

I really really tried to get CSP to work on this. I tried using Wine to emulate it. I tried downloading "clip-snap-paint" (which... also uses Wine, but it's supposed to do all the work for you). I even tried using a virtual machine. The problem with using Wine for CSP is that it won't let me log in, probably because it's stuck in offline mode. I don't know For Sure the reason why, but it won't let me use the program unless I log in so lmfao. I tried googling it and all of that stuff, nothing worked. "clip-snap-paint", despite installing, won't open at all. And pressure sensitivity didn't work when I tried using a virtual machine.

So right now my only two options is to dual-boot Windows and Linux, or to use Krita instead. I already do dual-boot, but I was kinda considering getting rid of it and just using exclusively Linux, as I can do pretty much everything (except use CSP apparently) I'd need to on Linux. And just with how I tend to draw (little bits at a time), it would be very inconvenient to have to boot into a different OS only to draw. So I would rather Not go down the dual-boot route. So once I get my stand, I'll probably mess around with Krita a bit more, see if I can make it work.

[legionofpotatoes]

I love your art, it is very detailed in a neat way. Was wondering how you got started making it as a source of income? How did you get your first paid work, I'd love some advice on how to get started, if that's ok

Thank you. Of course it's okay, although I doubt I have enough work experience in art to really delve into this. I only went full freelance this year, and had been juggling art as a side hobby until then. If you're still interested in my somewhat narrow perspective, and are okay with my long-winded rambles, I'll give it a shot:

So to answer your question fully, I'll describe how I started and move into personal advice and learnings later on. As a disclaimer, I am a white cishet dude in my late twenties with a moderate cocktail of mental illnesses, but overall I can pass for a functioning adult so a lot I have to say may come laced with privilege I cannot fully identify.

So uhh I began drawing in around 2012? I think? Maybe halfway through 2011? And I mostly made fanart for things I enjoyed and tried to branch out in communities that felt nourishing to my style and interests (I caught a bug for alt posters and enjoyed mainstream movies so I spent a long time on posterspy early on). There were a handful of opportunities that came from there but I could only accept a couple because of primary workplace commitments. Still, it showed that networking in a focused community was definitely a good place to start; I myself have huge trouble committing to social networks and really staying socially active, but I knew it was an essential ingredient in succeeding so I tried to make myself be involved in challenges and art support trains etc. as much as I could.

In parallel to all that I also ran a few third party online stores (redbubble, teepublic) for disposable income and would sometimes, if rarely, hit around $100-150 a month from those sources combined. It is a sort of thing that requires helper accounts on other social media sites to promote it on, because the stores themselves have a huge volume of content that translates into low organic discoverability. Obviously it was never gonna be the way towards financial independence through art, and with community projects being few and far between, I opened private commissions in around uhhh 2017 I think, focusing on offering a few styles I knew I could do well, and sometimes operating in individual fandoms (it was mostly a bioware thing to be frank). But I had to close them back down after a year or so, again because of work-life conflict and how badly it was burning me out. The reason I kept trying to monetize this hobby is because I honestly hated what I did for my main job and wanted to see a way out in some shape or form in the future.

And then in 2020 I had to quit my main job altogether because of *gestures at pandemic* and deal with a mental breakdown from all the wonderful things it did to us and me specifically. I took a short break and decided to give art a shot full-time, and that was around May this year. I was planning on opening up commissions again (and I still am), but a few sudden opportunities that fell in my lap moved that timetable down and now I'm grateful to even be doing something I am getting adequately paid for.

So, with that somewhat limited perspective, here's what I've learned that I'd tell myself if I was just starting out:

1. Being a fan of something can be a shortcut towards effective networking kickoffs. Which are important evidently. If you love something and enjoy making content for it, join communities, settle into a combination of social media websites that feel right for those interests + your body of work + your inner rhythm, and try to play to content discovery as much as your mental health allows you to. Like I said, I know that I myself am incredibly bad at self-motivating to talk to people, so I found that synergizing common interests into fanart - which I enjoyed making anyway - could be a way to give myself a gentle nudge forward and build those bridges leading to community activities, which then net experience and coverage. Sometimes even freelance projects from official avenues. Again; picking the right spaces for what you're after is key. Companies roam twitter, concept art recruiters scour artstation or linkedin etc, instagram can land you private commissions and collab opportunities, so on and so forth. Find your niche and try to kick up dust. However...

2. I do not believe that any social profile can replace a good portfolio. The thing that made an immediate difference to me this year was building a coherent, simple website with my best work front and center and a contact form on top. Every single opportunity I got came from that form (maybe via twitter or instagram initially, but always sealing the decision after going through the website), so I firmly believe that showcasing your skills and portfolio in a visually arresting and user-friendly way is a big priority. I had some reservations about tackling that task but fortunately I had help from a savvy life partner and we slapped it together via wordpress in less than a day. Twitter/whatever social media is prevalent in your target groups is definitely important to get the right eyes on your shit, yes, but those eyes will then look for a second stop where your work and rates are more clear and concise. Simplicity is key imo, I cannot overstate this. So make a cute, simple portfolio!

3. Your skills and rates will grow and change as you do. Let them. Over the years I built several lasting professional relationships from my obsession over mass effect and kept getting opportunities both from bioware and their partner companies, some small and some a bit bigger. A one-off job earlier this year opened an unexpected door to another much larger commitment, and then the work I did there brought some attention from small businesses looking for commercial commissions. These were all incredibly different projects in terms of scope and budget, and I've been tackling them all on a case-by-case basis and slowly coming into my own irt my needs, rates, and SOW thresholds. It is still a work in progress (and a LOT of literal work as well), and very much a thing I struggle with in publicly marketing, which is why I felt a tad underqualified to answer your question in the first place (obviously I did not let that stop me). But what it means for me now is that I am rapidly developing into whatever my "version" of a functioning freelance artist is, and when the conditions for that guy are met, I need to be able to confidently plant myself and operate from that space despite past precedents. Do not let anyone bully you into downpricing what you yourself perceive as legitimate products of personal growth and development. Speaking of which...

4. The shitty challenge of turning envy into inspiration, and paddling outside your comfort zones in full riot gear. it is hard, but realizing that being a miserable, self-hating artist in my early days got me nothing but more misery back was the first real step I took and what truly blew the hinges off. I was just not pleasant to be around, I would badmouth my work all the time, and it all somehow made sense in my broken mind because the validation I sought was purely external and the way I sought it was through eliciting sympathy via self-victimization (even when I made something objectively nice). It all led fucking nowhere. Except perhaps to my own narcissism that I one day managed to identify and start managing. So I started looking at things that made me seethe with envy and calmly deconstruct and figure out their inner workings instead, do studies, and find nuggets of inspiration or discover new ways to approach rendering or building up specific elements. It was an application of analytical diligence to what I wanted to be a purely emotional, esoteric workflow, but that I deep down knew wasn't. Art is a discipline and a skill, and maybe it isn't a straight line, but you gotta find some line to thread nevertheless. Being self-hating was almost an identity I had to break out of, and despite it still being like, 4-5% there? I realize its cause and effect on me, my work, and those around me, so it is with a conscious choice that I gently set it aside when I work and especially when I learn. It won't always stay quiet, but the effort is the difference. Your doors towards accepting true growth and venturing into uncharted territories, art styles, and networking will really open from there. But there's a huge caveat...

5. Toolsets, accessibility, privilege, and all the good things that enable artistic expression and profitability are not given equal to all. you might do all the mental work I mentioned to be ready to rock and roll and learn and draw your way out of anything, but digital art is a fucking money pit that asks almost too much at times. I don't got a good case study here but identifying and ensuring accessibility to the tools you need to do your best work is, like, super important. The ergonomics can improve as you make money and settle into the job, but the basics have to be made available to you. And some of that might not even be under your direct control. That can be anything from pen tablets to software subscriptions to opportunities in hiring sullied by sexism or what have you. You gotta navigate all that through careful networking and money/time management. I don't do a good job of devoting specific slices of time to work/study, and my primary clutch is iPad software which went from a good deal to a nightmare scenario over the years. So all I can say here is do what I didn't; network, invest in a PC/tablet, and pick a software you'll learn that won't burn a hole in your pocket.

6. Be nice to work with? This one is hard to articulate and has landed my own ass in hot water in my early years because of how socially inept I am, but nothing is more worthwhile than being.. like. a good person to work with. That can be anything like meeting deadlines, or sometimes missing them but eloquently articulating why, being generous in early stages, being communicable and not too wordy in your emails, having a good grasp on abstract artistic concepts and how to describe them in simple terms, having a clear, laid out framework of your working rates in commercial and non-commercial projects and sticking to those guns with grace, understanding when you need to say no and saying it well, the works. Just being nice. Sometimes that might mean going headstrong with something you believe in, or simmering down and sucking up to the big man, all relative and adaptive. Part and parcel of the service provision dance that we all have to do in order to make bank. Know your lines here, obviously, and don't like. work for nazis. or uh.. *shudders* exposure. but be nice and empathetic and communicable and word will travel eventually. Skill may be in abundance these days, but good people are most certainly not, and capitalism has a way of bubbling up scarcity. Grim, but uh, them's the breaks.

I know I'm ultimately telling you to like. Have a body of work, make a portfolio, grow, and network. But that's really how I see it for now. And being nice can be a cherry on top that sets you apart, along with the inherent irreplaceable voice of your artwork. I think I rambled on enough, but if there is something specific you need my help with, even if you want to come off anon and talk in private, please feel free.

[depths-of-escapism]

Alright! heres my 2021 end of the year art progress thing!, this year was a fucking mess lmao.

(keep reading to see high quality versions of the art pieces, my thoughts on each piece, and my mess of a year lol)

January. this was my first full month having a tablet! also my first time really messing with glitch effects in general.

Overall i remember feeling like i had so many things i wanted to draw and so many styles and it was all so new and fresh and agh i really got *into* art this month.

and then this art piece i feel like has aged pretty well!, the neck and shoulders feel off, but thats really about it!

February. yeah still just riding the high of having so many different ideas and concepts and honestly? this piece has always been one of my favorites lol

March. Andddd the final month i feel like of unique concepts before the spiral, also at this point i was really getting into the editing process and imo? getting pretty good at it.

April. The start of the spiral. uh, yeah, i've never really mentioned this on any of my socials but i do feel like it heavily effected my art but uh,

My father passed away unexpectly in april, he was uh, never really that good of a guy towards me so i was never really close with him but uh, yeah, when he died i was forced to accept that my relationship with him would never improve.

also honestly? i kinda felt happy when he passed, and realizing how fucked up that is i was forced to accept just like, how *bad* things were between us, and idk, i still have a lot of mixed emotions surrounding him.

in terms of the art piece its not very good, but i feel thats to be expected given context.

May. uh, yeah, the spiral kept contiuning, my great grandpa passed away this month, and i uh, i found myself crying and griefing him. and then i realized that i had cried more for him than my own father.

and that uh, kinda just fucking broke me.

also due to my family being smaller i ended up having to take care of all of the house chores & animals for the whole family, i only say this to explain i had far less time to actually make art compared to before.

for context before the spiral i was easily able to work on pieces for around 15 hours max. after the spiral i was only able to work on pieces for around 8 hours max (not that i ever really hit the max but i definitely started to rush my work more than before)

then talking about the actual art piece, uh yeah! another one i feel like has aged pretty well, its one of the few pieces I've actually taken reference photos for and it shows in the proportions and hands lol.

June. actually a pretty normal month, i do think this was probably around the start of me forcing myself to draw a lot more, and that uh, probably wasn't the move.

the art piece is uh, decent, i feel like the pose and cropping could of been done better though.

July. okay okay, final depressing life note for this post i swear.

but uh yeah! I got kicked out of my friend group of three years for being too depressed lol (like im not saying this as fuck them cause fair enough I'd think of doing the same in there shoes but uh, being told your too depressed to be around, yeah that hurt)

and uh, yeah, at this point i kinda felt like i had lost everything other than my art. and yeahhhhhhhhh def forced myself to draw *a lot* more then i should of.

still a good art piece though!, i do kinda feel like i started getting very stuck in one style though.

August.

another standard month, and the art piece uh, its very ambitious for how rushed it had to be. oh also its fan art of automagoria!

September.

starting to play around with style again and uh, i think it worked? some parts def look off but also that's kinda the point lol

(see post contiuned in the reblog)