#i tried to fucking kill myself by sleeping in the snow!

[pteridiumaquilinum]

oh. i guess im angry.

[fanfic-scribbles]

Dinner Date Chapter 29

Masterlist

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Overall Story Facts:

Fandom: MCU Captain America/Avengers

Story Summary: Steve Rogers has a girlfriend. A prickly, generally asocial girlfriend, but they make it work. They have more in common than some people might think.

Quick Facts: Romance – Steve Rogers/Reader – Female Reader

Story Warnings: Reader-insert that verges on OFC, written in 1st person past tense

Chapter 29: Cold and Dark

Chapter Summary: Winter is stupid.

Chapter Word Count: 2166

~

Work was stupid. People were stupid. Wind was stupid. Snow was stupid. The sun going down before dinner was stupid.

Everything was stupid.

I looked around my cold apartment, lit only by the front light I bothered to turn on, and went over my priorities for the rest of the night. Those being: dinner, and bed. Dinner was also stupid. I could go out and get food. I could order food. I could try and scavenge through what I had. But I thought of how much work it was just to figure out dinner, and how tired I was, and decided, fuck it, fuck dinner, I was going to bed. Never mind it wasn’t even seven yet. I was an adult and it was Friday so who cared if I fucked up my sleep schedule a little. Steve was off at some super-secret training thing, (“It’s basically a work seminar, I don’t know why Fury has to be so dramatic about everything,” Steve had opined a week ago, with nary a glimmer of self-recognition), so I had no reason to stay up, and if I slept then I wouldn’t be hungry, and saving myself a few calories was probably a good thing, right?

My stomach grumbled but I ignored it and trudged to my room. Also, if I went to bed I could just curl up under the covers and save some money on heating, which was also good. Saving money, saving calories, saving energy. Good fucking job.

I briefly considered warming up first with a shower and washing away the week, but it too ended up seeming like way more work than I wanted. Instead, I dressed for bed and slid under cold sheets to distract me from getting even more negative and grouchy than I already was. When I did eventually warm up I didn’t really sleep, but I did get to doze a little. Enough that I had a dream of Steve coming home, walking into my apartment like he belonged there (which made me smile), kneeling next to my bed, putting his cold hand on my face–

I blinked open my eyes, because that felt– real. Wait. This was real. “Steve?” I asked and took his hand in both of mine to try and warm it up. I tried to lift my head but I felt groggy still, so I let it fall back on the pillow as I woke up fully. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought I’d surprise you,” he said and flicked on the bedside lamp so I could better see his worried frown. Or maybe so he could better see me, though he was definitely getting the bad end of that deal. “Are you sick?”

“No.” I sighed, and then immediately broke into a yawn. “It’s just…cold. And I’m gross. And kind of miserable.” I considered moving. “Give me a second and I’ll get up.”

“You don’t have to,” he said and kissed my cheek.

“Are you gonna crawl in too?” I asked hopefully. I was not up for anything resembling physical activity, but I was totally down to cling to Steve like a limpet and suck up all his heat.

“In a minute. I’m going to take care of a few things first,” he said and stood. “Did you have dinner yet?”

“It’s too much work,” I said and curled up again. “I’m fine without it.”

He stayed there for a moment. “You aren’t going to eat at all?”

“It’s one meal. It won’t kill me,” I said. My stomach grumbled and I pinched it. Traitor.

He hesitated longer but before I could reassure him that I was fine, I was fully stacked for the winter (as if he could forget), he said, “Okay. I’ll be right back,” and left.

While he was out in the living room doing who-knew-what, I flipped on the other bedside lamp and scooted over to try and warm his spot a little bit so he wouldn’t have the shock of discomfort that was cold sheets. Because I was the best girlfriend ever.

Steve came back in just his pants and tank top, carrying a couple of drinks and a…tray? A tray that was covered with the miscellaneous snacks I’d had floating around in my cupboard and fridge, apparently. Steve set it down next to me as he slipped off his jeans to change into his sweats, and I lifted the paper towels to see what he had used for this impromptu snack party. “Oh shit; I was wondering where my baking sheet went,” I said and picked up the tray to hold it steady as he slipped under the covers. “I can make cookies again.”

That felt like a stupid thing to say, considering I couldn’t even do the minimal work of ordering a dinner for someone else to cook, but Steve smiled at me and I forgot to be mad at myself. “I’m glad you came to see me,” I said and leaned over to give and receive a kiss. “I’m sorry it’s not a nice homecoming.”

“I think it’s great. I ordered some food for us, but right now, sitting in bed with snacks sounds like the best thing in the world,” he said, took the tray onto his lap, and handed me one of the bottles he’d carried in. He gave me his best pleading eyes and added, “Will you share with me?”

I held my stomach tighter. Mostly-unbroken chips, a fancy trail mix I’d bought on a whim, some budget cookies I was too cheap to throw out– he’d even pulled together some crackers, torn up some leftover lunchmeat, and added some cheese for a poor man’s charcuterie. “I’m sorry you had to do all this work when you just got home,” I said as I took one of the cookies.

“I’m the one mooching off your apartment and food,” he said, snagging a couple pieces of cheese.

“I’m glad you are though. I’m always happy to have you here.” I pressed my forehead to his shoulder. “But you put the snacks together, ordered dinner…” And all I had done was crawl into bed.

“I had a good idea for dinner. You know I don’t mind,” he said, briefly pressing his head to mine as he took a cracker and stacked it with some meat and cheese. “I know dinner is a lot to think of sometimes, but you still need to eat.”

“Eh.”

“Hey.” He gently bonked his head to mine, almost making me drop the cracker and cheese I had just grabbed. “No skipping meals.”

“I didn’t want to,” I said. “But it’s not like it’d kill me. I’m not doing a whole lot that needs the calories.”

“Existing requires calories,” Steve said, like he was sharing an implacable truth.

Well…he kinda was. “Existing is stupid,” I said as a I munched and snuggled into him. After a moment, though, I reconsidered my words, and quickly swallowed my bite. “That came out sounding worse than I actually meant it.”

“Yeah, I got the meaning by your grumbling,” he chuckled and kissed my head. “Winter’s really getting to you, huh?”

“It’s stupid. And cold. And dark. And stupid.” I sighed as he rubbed my back. “And I’m going to miss it when summer is hot and bright and stupid. Seasons are terrible.”

“They’ve got their downsides,” Steve said. “But right now, winter is for warm blankets, and eating food. So we’ve got the right idea.”

“If you say so.” I kept sliding down though, until I was laying only slightly propped, and able to semi-burrow into his side. He slipped me another cracker, and I ate it. “I do like this,” I admitted and pushed my head closer into him. Laying down, resting my eyes and snacking with Steve felt…cozy. “How was your super-secret seminar?”

He sighed so dramatically, and then, without any further prompting, proceeded to tell me as much as he could, considering that the super-secret seminar was actually a super-secret mission, (“oops,” as Natasha had said), and he ended up being a decoy so Natasha and ‘someone else’ could do the real work–

He only stopped complaining to go get the food when it arrived, and though I would have been content to just eat crackers and listen to him bitch, I managed to pull myself up and eagerly take my container when he handed it to me. The tray was nearly empty at that point so it was easy enough for him to brush the crumbs aside so he could use it as a makeshift lap table for his multiple containers, and then he was right back to telling me how bad it was to have to mingle with rich people who were maybe doing something evil, how boring it all was (the number one sin when it came to Steve Rogers, if you listened close enough), and how at one point he’d dared Clint to attempt a trick shot off a fire alarm with a rubber band and a tartlet, but they’d gotten caught and yelled at about it.

“How was the food?” I asked, even as I shut the lid on my empty container.

“It was fine,” he said and flashed a smile at me. “Nothing like here.”

I snorted. “Yeah, I bet socialites have nothing on my store-brand crackers and cheese squares.”

“Well, they certainly don’t have anything on the company,” he said and pulled me in with one arm for a brief hug. Then he stuck the trash from dinner in the plastic delivery bag and picked up the tray. “I’ll be right back,” he promised and left.

I should have felt bad for making him clean up, but in actuality I felt better, even if truly tired for real now, and I dusted and picked up any stray crumbs before he returned. I lifted the blanket for him to get in, and finally, finally, I was able to attach myself to him like a strong current was threatening to wash me away.

“I’m glad you came home safe,” I said. However, one thing poked at the back of my brain still. A question I was too afraid to ask because of the potential for embarrassment. And yet, it would not leave, so I sighed, hid my face in the space between him and the pillow, and asked, “Did I leave the door unlocked again?”

He froze. “…No.”

I perked up, because my embarrassment potential was officially gone. “Did you break in?” I didn’t know whether I should laugh or be mad. I was…definitely leaning more towards the first, in all honesty.

He turned pink. Deep pink. “Natasha’s been teaching me a few tricks,” he mumbled. “I tried it on my place first. I swear I didn’t break anything.” He shrugged one shoulder and added, with a little half-smile, “Well…not literally, in any case.”

I stared at him a little longer, still torn between offense and hilarity. Then I reached back, snagged my phone, and opened up my texts with Natasha.

Me: YOU ARE A BAD INFLUENCE

I expected the next message to ask me for clarification, if only because ‘which thing’ would be very Natasha. However, clairvoyancy was also, somehow, very Natasha.

Natasha: I’m putting ‘corrupting Captain America’ onto my résumé Natasha: Not because I can sell it, but because I find it funny

Well. She had a point. And I, actually, had a way to circumvent that issue.

Me: Well from now on he can only use that party trick on people who aren’t me Natasha: Spoilsport

I sent back a bunch of kissy-face emojis and hopped out of bed before Steve could ask about our conversation. He did protest for a moment but I went to my key dish, grabbed the spare, and zoomed right back into bed.

“Here,” I said and gave him the key, quashing down the butterflies in my stomach. “I probably should have given you this a while ago. Also don’t lose it because if I lose mine I’ll need it back.”

“You make this so romantic,” he chuckled, but he gripped the key firmly in his hand.

I rolled my eyes, but I leaned over him, supporting myself partially with a hand on his chest, and kissed him gently; then I brushed my nose across his, once, and then again for good measure. “You’re always welcome here,” I said. I watched him turn soft and asked, “How was that?”

“Pretty damn good,” he said, set the key aside, and flicked off the last remaining light before he pulled me in closer. I snuggled in to rest my head against his chest, (maybe my actual favorite pillow), and let out a sigh as my body relaxed without me even having to try.

“Maybe winter isn’t as stupid as I thought,” I admitted as the dark settled around us.

“Only a little stupid?” Steve said.

“Only a little stupid,” I agreed, and fell asleep where the cold no longer touched me.

~

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[the1975attheirverybest]

oooooh fav lyrics??? fuck thats hard. i will not explain why because i want to seem somewhat cool still and not like a total fucking nerd (despite having incredibly in depth reasonings)

The 1975 - ok this is Album has some interesting lyrics because its before he had it all figured out and i fucking love it for that, theres so many fucking contenders for fav lyrics (including all of anobrain, antichrist or The city) the entire abum is just so mmmmm. but if i had to pick an absolute fav id say

"I put your mother through hell, don't you mind I hate your brother as well, don't you mind, don't you mind Oh I was thinking bout killing myself, don't you mind I love you, don't you mind, don't you mind"

and i know i know its a verse but it isnt complete otherwise. Plus i have it tattooed on me so i feel like i had to.

I Like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it - once again mmm chefs kiss of an album no skips (theyve never made a bad album) and lyricaly very beautiful, i could absolutely nerd out about all of their catalogue tbh. but for this i am excluding Nana and She lays down because theyre...just perfect, and also i sob.

so it would have to be

"And if I believe you Will that make it stop? If I told you I need you Is that what you want?"

or

"Before you go (please don't go), turn the big light off"

its really easy and tempting to put ballad on here but i think thats because his performance style for it is so visceral and while lyrically its beautiful still i cant imagine myself enjoying them if they were sung by someone else because they need the guts behind it ya know.

A brief enquiry into online relationships - delicious as always matthew thank you this day for our daily bread.

so its either

"I can show you the photographs of you getting on with life I've had dreams where there's blood on you" thank you for referencing the bible matthew very cool.

or

"You build it to a high to say goodbye Because you're not the same as them" because it is like a fucking gut punch

notes on a conditional form - seasoned to perfection. difficult because Guys is on this album and its so sweet but i dont think its my fav lyrically, for no particular reason. same for roadkill although "i pissed myself on a texan intersection" always has a place in my heart.

"I'm in love, but I'm feeling low For I am just a footprint in the snow" did you need to fucking wreck me or is that just for funsies huh?

or

"Don't wanna bore you with my frail state of mind "Oh, winner, winner, that's your biggest lie I'm sure that you're fine" I haven't told a lie in quite some time (Quite some time) "You know we'll leave if you keep lying Don't lie behind your (Frail state of mind)"

Being funny in a foreign language - i take 0 slander for this album because its just as brilliant as the others. so first all of part of the band is fucking art and so im excluding it because it should be all of our favs.

"I've been suicidal, you've been gone for weeks If I'm undecided, will you decide for me?W

and

"'Cause, baby, I'll do anything that you wanna I'll try anything that you wanna I'll find myself in the moonlight 'Cause, baby, I want everything that you wanna And I've tried to just be me, like, a thousand times But you're on my mind"

sorry its so long and i couldnt pick just 1 (not a libra but still indecisive) in order to remain seeming somewhat cool and not a total nerd ive refrained from explaining each choice but yeah.

Welllllll……did you HAVE to bring up “Me” AND “Frail State of Mind”?!? Are you trying to make me cry? Cuz it’s almost working.

It’s weird I’ve always kinda thought of Oh Caroline as some of his simpler writing. Not in a bad way. Like “Me” is simple as well. Simplicity has its time and its place and can be wonderful. And it IS wonderful in Oh Caroline. But I’m a layers girlie, so maybe I haven’t been giving this one much attention *runs to listen to it*

[sanyu-thewitch05]

Sandy Skies Ahead

Wonderland

The Savannah

Completely Under Your Love

What’s Real and What’s Not

Coffin Azul hasn't let go of me since I agreed to be his girlfriend. The only time I get to be by myself is when I shower or change in or out of clothes. He stays by my side if I don't remind him to go away enough or starts to go back into his habits of force-feeding me. It's like he's my shadow within a person.

"Yuu, what's wrong?" Ace asks, breaking my train of thought.

"Nothing, I'm just tired, that's all," I respond, eating my breakfast. "I think Crowley is calling me."

"Ok, I'll see you later," Ace solemnly says, trying to be happy.

I walk into the Mirror Chamber and find Crowley in there.

"What's the problem?" I ask as Crowley fidgets around with the smaller mirrors.

"It seems that something is wrong with the mirror. I can't send you in there until it's fixed," Crowley responds, swiping the mirror again. "By the way, Jamil and Kalim wanted to see you about something."

"Ah, ok. I'll be getting on then."

I walk to the Hall of Mirrors and enter Scarabia's dorm mirror. Orange sparkles surround me, and I wake up in a nice bed with red silks.

"Where are we- Gr-oh my fucking God, you're a tiger!" I yell, sitting up and noticing Grim's large orange and black body.

"NYAH! I AM HUGE!" Grim yells, roaring as he gets up on the bed.

"We're in the mirror's stories, aren't we?" I ask, noticing me wearing the red outfit that Jasmine wears. "Which, if I'm correct, means that Jamil is about to take over and kill Kalim!"

"My princess, your brother has requested you," Jamil says, opening the door. "May I add that you look lovely today."

"Thank you, Jafar," I reply, getting up and nodding at Jamil. "By the way, how old are you?"

"I'm 17, my lady. The stress sometimes adds age onto my face-God do I wish your brother was dead!" Jamil snaps, making me stare in shock. "Sorry, princess."

"Have you ever tried telling him how you feel? There's no point hating him if he doesn't even know what he did wrong. Besides, you know Kalim is happy-go-lucky and clueless he couldn't tell a woman is pregnant unless he saw her giving birth," I say, petting Grim before stepping out the door. "You should come with me."

I grab Jamil's hand and make him follow me to Kalim's room. My brother turns around and shows me a tray of chocolate chip cookies that are warm.

"Tadah! I wanted to surprise you both for all the hard work you do for me!" Kalim exclaims, hugging Jamil and me. "Thank you for telling me how you felt, Jamil! I promise you won't live in my shadow ever again!"

Jamil cries as he eats Kalim's cookie, and suddenly everything fades into white. I wake up on the ground with Jamil kissing me on the lips. I knee him in the crotch, making him yowl.

"Jamil, what the hell?!" I scream, sitting up with Grim on my chest.

"Ah! Damn, your knees are hard!" Jamil groans, holding his crotch.

"Jamil was trying to perform CPR on you. We found you on the ground when we walked into the common room!" Kalim explains, running to Jamil.

"Why would you perform CPR on a person whose heart is still beating?!" I ask, putting Grim in my arms.

"I told you CPR wasn't supposed to be used on passed-out people!" Jamil yells toward Kalim.

"It worked in Sleeping Beauty and Snow White!" Kalim rebuttals, getting huffy about it.

"Number one, those are fairytales! Number two, it was the kiss that broke their curses, not CP-fucking R!" Jamil shouts, standing up and limping onto the couch. "Damn, are you one stupid bitch!"

"Well...you're a snake bastard!" Kalim yells back.

"Never denied it, sweetie!" Jamil yells in return.

"Alright, enough! What did you two invite me here for?!" I shout, making them stop fighting.

"We wanted you to taste our cooking. Jamil has a new cookie recipe he wants you to taste, and Kalim wants you to taste the ice cream someone sent him," Azul explains, coming out of a shadowy corner.

"Ah, I see you've decided to get up in shady business again," I comment, looking at the now-normal Azul.

"Oh, quite the contrary. I'm only here for your services. You see I need your period blood for a potion I'm trying to make. I give you menstruation products and the best remedies for anything menstruation-related, and you give me your blood. Is that a deal?" Azul explains, pulling out a golden sheet of paper with clauses about our deal.

"Azul, no! Furthermore, this is a creepy new low for you! I'm not giving you my period blood anytime soon! Besides, you have to wait till next month to get it!" I reply, becoming annoyed by the chaos going on.

"SO, what you're telling me is that you've recently had your period and that there are remains of it in the trash?"

"No! And if I see you rummaging around in my trash like a raccoon, I'll turn you into takoyaki!"

Azul smirks and runs away, leaving me to sigh on the ground.

"I'll be back to taste your cooking later. I'm going to make sure that octopus bastard isn't in my trash," I say, waving goodbye to Jamil and Kalim. "Grim, what are you pawing at?"

"Look at the key with a lamp on it! It's so shiny, plus look at the mist around it," Grim mewls, pawing at the keychain near my thigh. "So...SHINY!!"

"Grim, stop! You'll get your claws got in my pants again!" I groan, trying to pull him away from my pants. "Besides, that can't be a real key. We can only access those by going through the Dark Mirror. Not only that, but there was no problem for me to resolve. Everything solved itself on its own."

"So? The mirror has been acting weird for a while. Maybe it's finally going easy on us after seeing what happened last time."

"Maybe, you know what, I'll take this as a stroke of luck today,"

We walk back to Ramshackle and find someone has entered my bathroom.

"Azul, get out of my trash!" I scream, making the octopus boy jump and look for a way out. "There's no way out but this door!"

He moves from side to side, and I do the same thing. Then he fakes a right and jumps out my window.

"Azul, are you ok?!" I yell, looking at his body from below.

"Call an ambulance..." Azul moans, holding his right leg.

[unrequited-words]

I haven't had a chance to write down how I'm feeling lately. Since it's January 2nd I just wanted to write down how the first day of a new year went.

It was an okay day. I had Sunday off like I normally do. I woke up around nine and got to sleep in. The bed we have is a piece of dogshit and my back has been fucked for a while.

We had the older kids for a week and it was the last day we had with them. They mostly stayed in their room we have set up for them. My stepdaughter on her phone/tablet and my stepson on his tablet.

It was snowing all day. The baby was pretty okay for the most part. Doing toddler things like getting into everything and asking me to watch Paw Patrol for the 72nd time which is normal for her.

Later that afternoon I put her down for a nap and I got to relax with the older kids and my husband. She woke up around 4:30 or so and about 5:15 I had the bright idea to shovel the driveway to help my husband since he did the porch in the back yard earlier that day.

I figured since I'm out here let me get the kids ready to play in the snow. The baby lasted ten minutes maybe as she kept putting her hands directly in the snow and cried and said ouch (I need to buy her some damn gloves)

My stepson made a snow Angel, we had a snowball fight with the older two kids. After ten minutes I took her back in to warm up with her dad who stayed in because it was too cold.

My step daughter went in and after five minutes I had my step son play in the back yard with the snow. My husband finished up dinner.

Later that night, we watched Star Wars. The two older ones could give a flying fuck about the movie. My stepson I guess is on the spectrum so I had to get on top of him on certain things. The baby was in and out of watching the movie and would rather watch Cocomelon.

I fell asleep twenty minutes before it ended. Around 10 the kids went to bed and so did the baby. Husband fell asleep on me which was fantastic because I never see him or get to spend time with him since I've been working a lot of overtime.

Not a bad first of the year.

January 2nd

I woke up at 830 because my back has been fucking killing me since I shoveled the snow last night. I picked their bags, made breakfast and of course yelled at my stepson because he can't pay attention to anything more than five seconds at a time.

Around 11 am we left. Husband is driving and we've seen several cars spin out because of the snow, multiple car wrecks and Utah drivers who can't drive worth dick.

This trip usually takes three hours to drop the kids off and it's taken an hour more due to heavy traffic, having to rebuckle this toddler and readjust myself over and over to get comfortable.

I'll write more when I have something else to update with besides get off my lawn, my back hurts etc 😂

EDIT

2:30 p.m 1/2/23

Dropped off the kids with their mom. Due to weather and snow for us she beat us by ten minutes when we are normally early. I changed the baby in the bathroom. I came back out and had the older two hug their sister.

I strapped her in and husband said we'll stop in an hour and I said well let me pee. I went back inside to pee and while in the bathroom my stepson hugged me and I cried. I owed went back out with the kids and their mom. My daughter hugged me and I hugged her right and cried again.

I tried so hard to hold it together but the connection I feel with her has always been there since day one. I made sure the baby was strapped in tightly since she Houdini'd herself out of the damn car seat during the way there.

I forgot the tablet and husband said I was gonna say to hop back with her. I almost dove back there since she was complaining already. She had my phone the whole way.

Between where we live and Nephi it got really scary. We made it home at 6 pm and left at 11 am. What a long stressful drive. It's eight and a hot shower is calling my name.

Happy New Years for what it's worth

[henasse]

I'm gonna fucking loose it I'm gonna fucking loose it this is what I get I know I know it's what I get don't disobey I get it I know I couldn't stop I couldn't make it stop I couldn't I need help I made that decision I did it I chose it but it wasn't me it hurt I didn't want to do this to myself I didn't want this I didn't want him in me literally in me gods he's everywhere I miss him I hate him fucking kill me again and again I miss it I hate it I can't stand this trauma bond anymore and if I wasn't immortal I'd fucking kill myself and it's so fucking pathetic that I've tried so many times to already and I'm spiraling again FUCK ME BITCH YKNOW WHAT FUCK It

I FUCKING WON. OK. I WON. I BEAT HIM INTO THE GROUND I TORE HIM APPART I RIPPED AWAY EVERYTHING FROM HIM JUST LIKE HE DID TO ME WHY DO I HAVE TO GET UP AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND BE PUNISHED BY THE PEOPLE WHO SAID THEY LIVE ME BECAUSE HE FUCKIGN BROKE ME VECAUSE THEY FUCKING LEFT ME. ITS NOT MY FAULT I WAS ABANDOND ITS NOT MY FAULT HE CREPT IN I WAS FUCKING TWELVE I WAS FUCKING TWELVE IT WASNT MY FAULT.

I"you'll rule the dark, nothing will scare you anymore you'll dominate the fear you'll lead"

CARVED. CARVED L. CARVED. GROOMED FUCKING ROTTEN ROTTEN ROTTEN

ITS NOT MY FAULT I WAS ABANDOND ITS NOT MY FAULT YOU LEFT. I WAS SO FUCKIGN SMALL YOU WERE LITERALLY ALL I EVER HAD SOME TIMES IM SO FUCKING ANGRY AT YOU. I ASKED YOU TO MARRY ME AT FUCKING TWELVE YOU KNEW I DIDNT KBOW WHAT THAT MEANT YOU KNEW I DIDNT KNOW YOU KNEW IT MEANT I LOVED YOU AND DIDNT WANT YOU TO EVER LEAVE AND YOU FUCKING ABANDOND ME FOR YEARS YOU FUCKING LEFT ME FOR YEARS HERMES AND A NECKLACE AND A BROKEN PROMISE ISNT GOING TO FIX THAT LOOK AT ME FUCKING LOOK AT ME IM BROKEN MY LIFE IS FALLING APPART I CANT OBEY I CANT DO WHAT UNCLE WANTS I CANT EVEN GO TO SLEEP WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED. IM GOING TO LOOSE HIM HERMES I'M GOING TO LOOSE HIM AND YOU JUST FUCKING PLAY. YOU USED TO CARE.

Gods now the heart conditions acting up

I wish I could die I wish I could die I wish I could die die die die die gods Apollo why did you save me, why did any of you after all that

Was it guilt.

Why did father sacrifice so much to make sure I lived. Knowing no one could see my strand.

My life is hell father

He got me. He broke me. And not even Zeus holding my hand is enough to put me back together.

I can't do this anymore I e said that so many times

I said it the fourth time I drowned

I said it when I was impaled on a tree branch when my bones were shattered and I watched them snap into place when I lifted a tree so my friend could escape and they just FUCKING LEFT ME. HOLDING IT. UNTIL I BLACKED OUT.

Or when I passed out in the snow at age 5 because I was sent across a field in 3 foot snow trudging till I couldn't feel only to wake up to my birth mother screaming at me.

WHY WAS I WORTH KEEPING ALIVE. WAS IT LITERALLY JUST TO BE HIS FUCKING PUNCHING BAG. HIS FUCKING PUPPET.

MY BODY IS FUCKING BROKEN MY MIND IS SHATTERED MY SOUL IS LITERALLY BEING HELD TOGEATHER BY I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT ANYMORE.

I fUCKING DIED SO MANY FUCKING TIMES IVE LOST IT IVE FUCKING LOST IT

[echoesofadream]

oh also I do like ross country skiing!! downhill is scary as fuck and ive never tried it and I dont feel like trying it. but its such a hassle to ski these days (I curse the invention of cars everyday... let me ski to work like in olden days...) but maybe if keita likes skiing ill start again, it really is sooo nice and refreshing and calming and im good at it its just been soooo long... which is sad!! but since he likes surfing I can imagine hed like other outdoor activities like skiing (he also likes sleeping a lot which I DONT I like sleeping 8 hours from 10pm to 6am.. ive been worried about his sleeping habits but this actually calmed me because if we spend our free time skiing thats way better than sleeping and I think hed like it!! I wonder if hes ever ice skated, thats nice too especially romantically heheheh

downhill IS scary especially if you have a fear of heights like myself. that said it is very different and cross country is very umm, tame in comparison. I like it but downhill to me is incomparable. but ive been skiing downhill since I was a kid and if I hadn't you probably could not get me up there without threatening my life so trust me I get it. I very often dream about skiing (like all year, idk I guess its just been a constant in my life despite only doing it for a few days not even every winter) and a lot of those dreams are nightmares lol.

yeah I get that too. I dread ever having to move to the city or anywhere far away from nature. also when I went cross country skiing this year it was in a place famous for its "slopes", like a system of it, and I guess those are not everywhere. but I am lucky enough to live so that I could probably go skiing whenever I wanted to if there was enough snow (if I owned my own pair of skis, that is, which I dont. I rent them if im going skiing) but idk like imagine if it was a mode of travel? instead of cars? but no since we killed the earth theres just roads I guess. but yeah it is literally such a wonderful cleansing of your mind and such a deep connection to the world and nature around you, it feels sooo amazing and refreshing and you truly feel alive

surfing to me seems super scary! also I dont think the fact that your sleeping habits are different seems that troubling, or maybe thats just because having alone time is so important to me. but yay you can ski together! and skating is such a great date idea:) and if he hasn't skated before thats even better because then you can teach him!!

[krotosis]

alice, ever since i’ve held witness to nothingness, i can’t see life the same way anymore.

thinking seems to have split from it’s roots and now only revolves around pattern-seeking and contrast theories. resilience is honestly my only redeemable trait, but that can easily convert to stubbornness, so whos to say? sin tends to line every choice of mine, its fucking disgusting. you’d think i would’ve learnt my lesson by now. gross sickly slimy incapable child

when i was little, my step-dad would often shoot birds. he’d aim for families, try to take them out in one shot. i’d cry but it didn’t deter him. another dwindling bit of irony, i managed to cry for birds but not for his victims. i was a child, its fine, whatever. it’s honestly stupefying the fact he bought an illegally imported weapon just to fucking kill birds, what a cunt

but it’s fine, it’s all fine.

because nothingness is bliss.

in the mildest way my mind could process the ‘experience’, it was the kindest thing to ever happen and simultaneously not happen to me. it was beautiful, the way my mind remembers something that never occurred is so beautiful. it’s calming, it’s grounding, because it’s true, it’s real. i’d be blessed to stay that way, even if my sore rotting mind becomes incapable of remembering.

i can only wish for similar fates for everyone i care about. Alice, you don’t UNDERSTAND how fucking amazing it is. It’s so fucking beautiful I cant put it into words, and I never tried to, not in-person anyway.

people like my step-father are exactly reasons why nothingness is gorgeous. his actions exist as one, the man who happily made us breakfast in the morning, the first man child me dared to trust after EVERYTHING that happened and then simultaneously being a creepy stalker, abusive murderer if not months later. I knew he was bad, but not that bad, violence is just a part of life, can i really ..?????????? i dont know. i will never justify him. i didn’t care when it was just violence because it bred money and money was what we needed the most

my cat came back today! i wasn’t sure if he was hurt after the recent snow. i was going to go out looking for him, i dont even know what to comment about that. OBVIOUSLY i was gonna look for him but also,, not so obviously you know? maybe i was just telling myself i would do it and then never do? i waited 2 days with barely an afterthought so? how can i be sure that makes me a redeemable person? maybe i was just lying? how should i know т_т i need something to make me feel feelings that are more exact, precise, maybe then ill feel like i used to again

i replayed the arcana today! i nearly cried at the nostalgia, fictional worlds are so picturesque, why is real life so dull and bitter +_+ but i have to keep going !! its the gift !! some gift !! that i will never fully understand!!!!!!! but im meant to keep going anyway !!

relationships in media are so bitter. perfect friendships, lost and found and family and trust, things irl always work out but they never *work out*. theres never some adventure, just grisly grappling with your circumstances; you come out of it “okay, i guess” and that’s the best story you’ll have for decades. the fact theres no after to an end, just continuous days and days and days with days and days and days worth of issues is paralysing. it just doesn’t stop

i wish i could stop time. the closest thing i’d have to that nothingness. if i could, i’d just sleep, finally sleep GOOD sleep for the first time. i want to wake up feeling refreshed, i want to sleep feeling safe, knowing everything is still around me. time doesn’t pass, im free of its constraints. no what where when, sun rising night falling, next day 3am 4am 7, just me and me. nothing but me and warmth of my bed. my whole family is safe, they are safe because everything is incapable of being otherwise. even if being actively attacked, that victim is left to linger in never-fleeting moments, peace and solidity for once. time is cruel, but i don’t want to bore you with overused metaphors so i’m sure you can interpret it yourself.

so pessimistic today

your regretful childhood friend,

they miss you

[ghostlysenses]

The Grave in the Shack.

Hi how are you? I just had an idea for an sbi fanfic so imagine like the reader is dying and they say “the last time you held me like this was when I was a kid” while they laugh it off. I know it doesn’t make much sense but I tried- hope you are having a good day/afternoon/night make sure to drink water and eat something :) 🏃‍♀️

Im good!!! how r u? and also i love this!

Mmmm might make this sadder c: but with a happy kind of ending

cried while making this

TW: cussing, death, blood, long

SBI x younger! reader!

Requested by @imkindalostrn

You always ate breakfast with your family.

Wilbur would sit on your left, Techno on your right, and Tommy and dad in front of you.

You were the youngest in the family

so naturally they were all very protective of you and would kill anyone who literally breathed wrong near you.

After breakfast you and Tommy went outside to play in the snowy tundra

You and tommy built snow castles

made snow angles

and had amazing snowball fights

Wilbur watched from the window

Techno watched from the porch

and Philza was relaxing in the living room

“Y/N! come look!”

you raced to tommy as he pointed at the ice, you could see some fish swimming around

you looked in awe

you and Tommy spent so much time together, you two were inseparable

If only he didn’t allow you separate from him that day...

After looking at the fishes, Tommy wanted to play a game of ball, you guys like to play soccer, even when its cold.

You and Tommy had a fun few rounds, him barely beating you.

At some point though

Tommy kicked the ball in the forest on accident

“Ill go get it y/-“

“Ive got it!”

you started running before he could even finish.

he laughed a bit and let you go get the ball

but when you didn’t come back after 2 minutes he.. he got kinda scared

He walked into the forest, and after about 5 minutes he found you

Bloody

crying

claw marks on your stomach

laying on the ground

breathing

but slowly

he immediately got out his communicator

he messaged

“hlp y/n hurtget here ASAP” (yes just like that)

with the cords

As soon as everyone looked at their communicator they were up.

Techno stood up and RAN like he was the flash

dodging everything that was in his way like it was nothing

mans used his trident to VOULT himself over things

the voices were screaming “Help them! Kill whomever hurt them, we need them, we love them to much to let them die” and over his voices were his own thoughts

“They can’t die, they dont know how much they mean to me, if they dont live, i dont know what ill do with myself”

As soon as techno got up Wilbur did too.

HE FUCKING JUMPED OUT OF HIS WINDOW

AND ONTO THE ROOF

THEN OFF THE FUCKING ROOF AND ONTO THE GROUND

(its safe dw its not to high up)

MAN SPRINTED TO THE LOCATION

he was crying

“please be okay, please be okay” was all that we was thinking

Wilbur knows how much you must be panicking right now... and he wants nothing more than to be there and tell you its okay

Once Techno started running was when Philza stood up, mans ran so hard out the front door he TRIPPED.

He got up and opened his wings to fly to you

every memory of you flashing in his head

from you laying on his chest as baby, sleeping blissfully as he watched you with adoration

to yesterday when you were hitting Wilbur with a spoon

“My baby...” was all that he was thinking

When they finally arrived they saw Tommy trying to stop the bleeding but it was to much.

Techno used a healing potion but you had already lost so much blood

Wilbur could see you were crying, that there was still some fear in your eyes no matter how calm you looked, he grabbed your hand right away... trying to comfort you.

Then there was philza, he was cradling you like someone would a baby.

He was crying

everyone knew at that moment

there was no saving you.

You looked at your brothers and smiled, then stared up at your dad.

“the last time you held me like this I was a baby!” you laughed a bit, blood spitting up.

You smiled at him

“I love you...all of you... my family...”

You closed your eyes, a smile on your face...

that was the last time they heard your voice.

Philza held your corpse closer to him, sobbing harshly... “My baby....my little angel...please..”

His world came crashing down on him, the worst thing that can ever happen to a parent is the loss of their child.

Techno’s breathing hitched.

He remembers when you were just a baby.

You were a small fragile thing and he swore to be there for you.

The small little runt that sat as his feet while he braided their hair

was now gone...

Wilbur was in complete shock.

His mind couldn’t comprehend anything that just happened.

His baby sibling who he would make lullaby’s for was suddenly gone.

This is a reason why he would go insane in pogtopia later.

Tommy

Tommy blamed himself for ages

Maybe if he didnt kick that ball

maybe if he went to grab it

maybe...

He misses you

You were the only person who understood him and was on his side.

He doesnt know what to do without you.

You were buried near the house.

Philza made a small clearing near the house

He built a small shack around it with a fire place and lanterns, it was homely.

“To keep their spirit warm forever” thats what he said when he was questioned why it was there.

Nobody in the family ever provided context of how you died.

They only said cryptic things like

“they’re in the shack, like always”

“We/I love them”

“We/I visit them a lot”

“We/I bring them gifts on holidays”

“They liked the snow”

etc

they actually did spend holidays in that small shack, when asked why theyd always say

“Holidays are for the family”

they would still get you gifts too

before wilbur blew up l’manberg he visited you

“I love you very much... ill see you soon”

After that

ghostbur would ask around for you

once he figured out, he remembered what happened and would once again return to being cryptic abt it.

he visited a lot and would also join in during hoildays

Philza left for L’manburg at some point

he still visited you as much as he could though

even after killing wilbur

He still went to holiday gatherings

but when he was on house arrest he was pissed

he wanted to see you

and everytime he begged to be out and asked why he would just say “please! they need me! they need me..”

They wouldn’t let him out

but when he would sneak out he visited you

Fundy knew why he wanted to leave, hell he’s been to the shack himself when he was younger

he heard many stories about you...

and he felt bad for not letting philza visit you.

When the butcher army came to techno and saw the shack

they all walked in, thinking it was a storage area

but when the were met with a grave with unopened gifts around it from many years and even ones to this year... they were...

saddened...

they didnt know what happened to you but your grave brought them to tears

‘Y/N M/N Minecraft

An amazing family member,

Singer and piano player

Dueling fighter and story listener

Sibling and explorer

Child and angel

We love you and miss you

never stop brighting the world up

with your smile’

they wiped their tears though and went to techno.

but before they brought him to l’manburg

Quackity looked at tubbo and the shack

he nodded

Tubbo lead Techno to the shack and said

“For one last goodbye..”

Techno walked in...

“I promise you ill be safe..for you, i love you”

he kept his promise and returned safely to show you.

When Tommy was exiled and ran away to techno he visited you and would even sleep in the shack sometimes.

He missed you a lot.

he played chirp for you and he promised he would one day play mellohi and cat for you again one day

he knew how much you loved them.

He would always visit for holidays but never regularly

but after he got his discs back

he kept his promise and played them for you.

They loved you

and promised they would do anything it takes to get you back.

You mean a lot to this world and them

and when Tommy came to them (Philza, techno, Ghostbur) telling them that dream has a revive book and they need to get you back.

they were ecstatic and couldn’t agree more

[trin-gvf]

J.T.K - liquor store on mars

2.3k words MINORS DNI

based on Liquor Store On Mars - Kelsey Karter

jake x fem!reader

WARNINGS: using alcohol to cope, unprotected sex, lots of cursing, a little wlw action.

it didn't kill me, but something inside me died that day. the day you packed all your belongings from the house we've shared for oh so long. the day you slammed the front door and didn't come back inside with tears that had the urge to fall out of your eyes. the day my messages wouldn't go through anymore. i had the endless nightmares of your voice ringing through my dreams. nothing has felt the same since you left. the halls where we once danced around, your arms around me, pulling me into what felt like heaven on earth, eternal happiness it seemed like. you said you'd never leave, you'd never yell at me.

but now, I'm alone, without you. i told myself i could live without you but it seems almost impossible. everyday i fight the need to touch you, hug you, kiss you. i've learned to drown my thoughts in endless liquor bottles that always find a way to scatter across the floor of the apartment that was once filled with light and love. i try to distract myself with different dating apps, letting someone into our home every other night. just to get you out of my mind. although, all i can think of in these situations are you. the way you smelled, the way you warmed me up whenever the snow was falling onto the frozen ground.

you yet again found yourself in the liquor store that had one too many memories of him. you grabbed two bottles of jim beam whiskey, seeing as you ran out of alcohol at home. you caught yourself staring down the aisle, replaying your memories in your head. you snapped out of it hearing the cashier ask if you were okay.

"ma'am? are you okay?" you turned around, seeing the cashier sharing a look of concern.

"oh- um..yeah no i'm okay.."

"just these two?" he asked.

you nodded and handed him the crumbled bills that were stuffed into your pockets.

"here's your chan-"

"keep it." you said, grabbing the bottles and walking out.

you took in the cold nights air. it filled your lungs, giving you a sense of where you were and what you were doing. your eyes were pricked with tears that you had been fighting all fucking night.

you tried your best to hold them in until you could at least cry in peace. the second the driver's door closed, you gave the steering wheel a good beating.

"fuck fuck fuck! fuck you!" who were you talking to? jake of course. you'd broken up recently and you were in pieces. he was your whole world and he broke up with you. he broke up with you to be with her. he cheated on you and left you.

as your tears dried, you turned your car on and you hadn't realized the radio was left on. you looked down at the radio and saw what song was playing.

sunshine on my shoulders.

you weren't a john denver fan but jake had introduced you to this song and had declared it your guys' song. you were quick to turn it off.

"i fucking hate this song…" you said while sniffing, your voice was raspy due to the state of your nose, now runny from crying.

even the drive home was painful. you couldn't count how many times you drove down this road with jake.

when you reached your humble abode, you thought about moving. sitting in your car with nothing but silence surrounding you.

"new york? london? paris?" you mumbled to yourself. no, you couldn't. thatd still be too fucking close to him. you'd have to move to mars to be far enough away from him. you looked down at the liquor bottles in your passenger seat and grabbed them.

"there better be a fucking liquor store on mars."

as you headed into your apartment, you scooted past the already empty glass bottles on the floor and plopped down onto the couch. you opened the new bottle of whiskey and drank it as if it was replaced with water.

you tightened your jaw and looked at the door. the same one he slammed and walked out of.

"fuck you jacob! go! go be with whatever whore you felt the need to sleep with!"

"it wasnt fucking like that and you know it!"

"THE PHOTOS DON'T LIE JACOB! GET THE FUCK OUT!"

you wiped the tears as you drown your sorrows with the whiskey you had bought. by the time the bottle had finished, you were drifting in and out of sleep. your body was hot and you felt like it was your last day on earth. you didn't care, you wouldn't remember this when you woke up anyways.

the next morning you woke up and felt the pounding headache. you hate you did this to yourself but you didn't know how else to cope. you opened your phone and found texts from your best friend.

bestie<3: party at mine, starts at 10

you groaned to yourself before replying.

y/n: i don't think i'm going…

bestie<3: stop feeling sorry for yourself and get in a slutty dress and get the fuck over here!

y/n: you're a bitch..I'll be there.

you cursed at yourself once again before checking the time. it was already 5pm, you decided now would be an appropriate time to get ready as you didn't have anything else to do. you got up and took aspirin for the hangover and hoped it would help in the slightest.

you looked through your dress selection and a particular red dress caught your eye. it was a red stain dress with a deep v cut, down just to below your tits. it has 2 slits going up to below your tits, having a red string going in a criss cross pattern. you put it on and it hugged every curve of your body and made your boobs look like heaven.

you did feel like doing much makeup but you decided to do it either way. after putting on foundation, concealer, bronzer, blush, etc. you tried to decide what makeup look to do today. you decided to put shimmery red eye shadow up into a smokey eye. you threw on some winged eyeliner and some tart false eyelashes. they would always throw together a makeup look.

you went to pick out some black stiletto heels. these were possibly your favorite ever. they even had red bottoms which went perfect for your outfit. once you put on the shoes it was already close enough to 10, it was around 8:30 and you decided to just leave.

you grabbed your handbag and loaded it with essentials. lash glue, more mascara, eyeliner if it needed a touch up and more lipstick.

you were soon at your best friends party and you were very much doubting if you even wanted to be here.

"rubi…i don't know if i should even-"

your words caught in your throat when you saw a man walk into the kitchen. he had hair just like jake. same facial structure as him too. for a split second you were sure it was him.

"y/n??? hello??? should even what??" rubi said, clapping her hands in your face.

"um- i-..." you shook your head and disregarded what you were going to say.

"nothing…im gunna go find someone to talk to."

you found yourself grinding against some random girl, swaying to the music. your bodies were flush against each other and your faces were undeniably close. you said "fuck it" under your breath and went in to kiss her. the second the kiss got heated, all you could see beneath your closed eyes was jake. she kissed exactly like him. you pulled away, the girl asking if you were okay. you nodded and pulled your body away. you stumbled outside, cursing at yourself, asking why you wore these dumb shoes instead of something more comfortable. your feet were aching and you could barely walk anymore. as you got out of the front door, you fell onto the porch, taking a seat.

you tried your best not to ruin the makeup you had put on by crying. you took deep breaths as you took those stupid shoes off.

"stupid fucking shoes. there's no room at this party for me." you said. as your eyes started to swell with tears again you heard an all too familiar voice.

"y/n?" the voice said.

when you looked up, you turned around, there he was.

"jake?? what are you doing here?" you said, sniffling and wiping away the tears that had fallen.

"partying..just like you i assume?"

"i didnt even wanna come to a stupid party. i got pressured into coming." you complained, fighting the burning urge in your throat to scream at him and ask him why he did what he did.

"y/n…let's get out of here.."

you stayed where you were, looking down at the knees, debating whether you should listen to your gut or if you should go with the man you still loved.

"y/n..?" he asked again, in a softer voice.

"okay…let's go." you picked your shoes up off the concrete and walked to his car.

you didn't know how you went hours without seeing him at this party. it wasn't a big house and you had been in every room. you were sure that you were bound to see him.

"uhh..lets go to mine." you said, not wanting to see his house, too many memories would make the night even worse for you. you mentally thanked yourself for picking up those liquor bottles before you left.

once you locked the door to your apartment, jake was all over your body. his scent was engulfing you. one that you might have missed just a little bit too much.

he went down to kiss your neck, leave wet splotches all around. you couldn't help but let out whines. as he felt up your dress, you were praying to whoever was listening that this wouldn't be a one time thing and that it would all be okay.

he picked you up like a bride on her wedding day and took you both to your bedroom.

as he set you on your bed, he took a sniff around.

"it still smells like me in here.." he said, looking down at you.

"i know it does.." you said back, a bit embarrassed.

within no time you were both unclothed and your skin was rubbing up against each other.

"jake please..fuck me already"

you didn't have to tell him twice. within seconds jake was gliding the tip of his cock into your folds before plunging into your cunt.

you let out a loud gasp, you hadnt been fucked since you and jake last did it.

it felt so good to be this close to him again. for a second you didn't worry about anything, you knew it'd be okay if you had him close.

jake stood up on his knees on his spot on the bed and used it to hit new spots he hasn't hit yet.

"oh fuck…you feel just as good as you did before."

you moaned as your response. there weren't words coming to mind, you were in pure bliss.

"pretty little cunt fits my cock. fucking. perfect." his words were timed with his thrusts.

"jake- oh my god jake!" you cried out

"go ahead, let me see how good i make you feel."

seconds after his words, you were squirming underneath him, feeling for him. wanting to touch any part of him that this position allowed.

when you came back down from your high, you felt him pull out and finish on your stomach. you were both out of breath, needing a moment to regain any energy whatsoever.

once you had enough energy, you went to the bathroom to clean up. once you were done with that, you saw jake laying on his side of the bed. his arms wide open as an invitation to lay in them. you put on underwear and a baggy shirt before laying down, cuddling into his chest. everything felt right.

maybe you could forgive him? maybe he really meant it when he didn't mean it? or you could even work it out with him.

you fell asleep in his arms once again. for once you felt sane, you felt grounded. you felt okay.

as you awoke you noticed jake wasn't in bed with you. you shot up. you noticed everything was gone. his phone, his keys, his clothes. you ran into the kitchen, praying some miracle had happened and he'd be cooking a good breakfast for you.

of course he wasn't there. you ran back to your room, your heart about to beat out of your chest. you picked your phone up and went to text him.

"what..?" your words were broken at what you found.

imessage? blocked.

instagram? blocked.

snapchat? blocked.

everything you tried, he had blocked you on. rage took over your body and you threw your phone against the wall, watching the screen shatter.

"fuck you! you gave me hope you sick bastard!" you fell on the floor, crying like no tomorrow. you beat the floor with your hands, your feet, your arms. whatever you felt would relieve the anger and the sadness. you even resorted to beating on your bed, at least it would cushion the incoming bruises.

you ran into the kitchen, finding that second bottle you bought a couple days back. you took enormous gulps of it. you drank however much your mouth could fit.

you took the bottle away from your lips and gave a dead stare.

"i would move to mars to get away from you." you knew he wasn't listening but what else could you do?

[harryskalechips]

one and done

A/N Hi everyone! I’m back with a one shot :) I know I don’t write as often anymore but since I’m self quarantining and I’m just about finish with high school, I thought I should try and give it another go? I’m also re starting up my jewellery business so ahhh many goals in mind but no motivation ??? Okay, I hope you guys enjoy this one!!! It is definitely a slow burn with smut but part 2? I dunno!!

Y/N and her brother’s best friend Harry, has had some pent up sexual frustration for a while. Wouldn’t it be best if they just had a one and done? you know to get it out of their system ;) 

*smut includes spanking, choking, male and female receives oral, harry dom but Y/N rides, magic face cream treatment for anti wrinkling results? Yes, and what else? sub space, hair pulling, gosh I forgot please read it 😁

Word Count: 6.1k // Masterlist // one and done PLAYLIST

“Don’t you think it's a bit of a cliché to be crushing on your brother’s best friend?” Ness teases Y/N as they walk out of her house. They were just on the steps about to go on a walk around the block. It was definitely one of their favourite things to do as the sun was just about to set.

Y/N had her butt sat on the spruced wooden steps as she ignored her best friend’s comment. First off, she knew it was a cliché. Secondly, her last encounter with him just seconds ago was already making her plan her own execution.

In her head, it was simply her just jumping out of her window multiple times until she lost consciousness. Ness on the other hand was standing up, watching the poor girl tie her laces. “Okay, I was just teasing. We can change the topic.” She lends her hand out for Y/N to take.

“It’s not just that Ness.” She gladly accepts the gesture and stands up. She wipes off her butt and glances back at the door. “I’ve never had a thing for him! Ryan and Harry have been best mates since what? 8th grade and for some reason ever since the cruise from last summer, I can’t stop thinking about him.”

“It’s because he was shirtless half of the time.” Ness laughs as she hands Y/N’s water bottle to her. “Okay, we can admit it though. As a senior he is 10 times more attractive than he ever was. He looks like a frat boy that could jump my bones.”  Y/N stops walking and just stares at Ness while the girl continues to walk. She grabs her hand and pulls her forward. “Okay, I’m sorry for the bad comment.”

“He is hot though. Really hot.” Y/N smiles.

“See, that’s why you should sleep with him.”

“What are you crazy? Ness, Ryan would kill me or him -maybe the both of us!” 

“It’s pent up sexual frustration. Harry legit watched us walk out your door while eating a banana and you still managed to trip on your shoes.” She laughs.

“He was making eye contact with me!”

“All I’m saying is that he throws parties at his house and always invites us despite y’know us being juniors. Just offer, do it, slip out, and never say anything about it ever again.” Ness elbows Y/N as she crosses her arms. 

“Maybe I will.” She laughs pretending to actually sound confident in the idea.

“Good, there’s a party this Friday anyway.” Ness shrugs her shoulders. “It’s the best remedy sis.”

~

“Harry, can we talk?” Y/N follows him into the kitchen while everyone else is God knows where around the house. 

“Ryan is in the backyard, trying to get Cassidy back.” He barely glances at her as he pours himself a drink. He notices an empty one in her hand so he decides to pour coke in hers. 

“I um wasn’t really drinking coke.” She states confusedly as she watches the bubbles in her cup dissolve.

“You think I’m trying to get you drunk at this party. One alcoholic beverage is good enough for yeh.” He smiles at her as he screws the cap shut and taps the top of her head. He was treating her as if she was a child, which definitely pissed her off since she was going to ask him a really fucked up favour in the matter of 60 seconds.

“I can handle myself, you know.” 

“Yup.” He rests his back against the counter and bites the rim of the plastic cup as he looks at her. “What do you need though?” He genuinely asks her. Although they weren’t that close, Harry knew her long enough to know she wouldn’t start random a conversation with him. It was more like a hi and bye situation. Not her trying to actually talk to him. 

“I have a favour and you can’t tell Ryan.” Y/N lets out a big breath as she watches his reaction change into a confused one. 

“Look Y/N, if you want to try and smoke a blunt, I think it’s best you find yourself a dealer that doesn’t know your brother.”

“No, not that.” She whispers as she moves in closer. There were more people entering the kitchen and this was about to get really fucking awkward. 

“What?” He looks at her and notices her body shifting closer to him. Her chest was touching the side of his arm, making his eyes look towards the cabinets instead.

“I-”

“Yes?”

“Do you wanna fu-?” His eyes widen as he downs the rest of his drink in one go. Harry doesn’t even let her continue as he steps away from Ryan’s little sister. 

“I’m sorry do I already know the rest of that question?” He tries not to obviously choke on the liquid in his mouth.

“Well, I don’t know you didn’t really let me finish.”  Her sassy tone comes out. Her cheeks were really red and although Y/N came to the party with Ness feeling really confident in the dress she picked. She just wanted to go home and not show her face to him ever again. This was the stupidest idea! Why on earth did she think Harry would want to sleep with her when there are so many girls that try to get his attention. 

“I’m sorry Y/N.” He bites the inside of his cheek and watches some familiar people leave the room. Once it’s clear again, he speaks up. “Like are you serious?” He could feel his throat becoming more stuffy. “You and me?” She nods. “Really?” She nods again. “That’s crossing the line and Ryan is pretty overprotective. I can’t do that to him.”

“Cool.” Y/N stands perfectly still as she tries her best to maintain eye contact with him. She takes a sip of the coke but later, grabs the bottle of alcohol and pours it into her cup regardless of him watching her. “Well, don’t let Ryan know.” She shrugs her shoulders and laughs. “Thanks for answering my survey!” She gives him an awkward smile then walks out of the room. How can a guy pass up on her??? First rejection has gotta sting. 

This wasn’t some weird guy she was asking though. This was Harry, Ryan’s best friend. If Ness was put in his position, she wouldn’t want her to say yes either. God, she was also going to kill her best friend for putting the most ridiculous game plan in her head.

And although the party continued on, Ness and Y/N didn’t let the earlier events bother them. The two spent hours just fucking around until they found a comfy spot in the living room.

“Y/N, don’t look.” Ness sits beside her on Harry’s couch watching a few strangers play an unfamiliar game on the floor. 

“What?” she quickly looks up to see what Ness is talking about. It wasn’t a surprise to see Harry holding Carla Laws’s hand as they walked up the stairs. They looked pretty excited for a room tour too.

Oh hell no, everyone knows a girl doesn’t go to Harry Styles’ room to just hold hands and a cute sentimental room tour!

“Are you sure he didn’t want to with you?”

“Yes Nessa.” She rolls her eyes and drinks her third cup. “Whatever, if anything at least I don’t feel attracted to him anymore. I found a new ick. He doesn’t even find me attractive.”

“Good. Rejection may hurt but it makes you wake up and face reality.” 

~

Okay if there was one thing Y/N could say now, it was that she is finally over Harry. Overall, he was nothing but a phase. Yes, she was crushing on him for the first semester of the year but after that weird conversation they had, it made sense why they couldn’t work out anyway. He’s a stuck up douche - a typical senior, all while she was a junior who was either too infatuated with him or too horny. Maybe both?

It’s been about two weeks and although Ness made sure to keep trash talking the guy, Y/N knew there was more to him than what her best friend thought. She knew him for years! Maybe the fact he was athletic, charismatic and just kind that made her realize what a perfect guy he was. She knew he was a bit more complex than what other people thought of him and it wasn’t bad at all. 

What she never thought was how awkward it was going to be the next time she saw him. “Hey, Haz.” Ryan opens the door for his buddy as Y/N covers herself with the blanket more all while pretending to watch TV.

For the past couple of days, Ryan was going over to his house and maybe Harry asked him too to come over, but what she didn’t expect was to see him again so soon. 

“Hey Ryan.” Harry takes his jacket and boots off as it just begun to snow outside. “Hey Y/N.” She quickly glances at him and waves. 

“Let’s go to the kitchen first, I wanna get snacks.” Ryan suggests as he walks away, assuming Harry would follow him like usual. 

After thirty minutes, Y/N thought the boys would be upstairs but as she entered the kitchen wearing nothing but her shorts and her brother’s old t-shirt, she was surprised to see Harry and Ryan eating sandwiches at the breakfast bar, looking pretty serious. Did Harry tell him? 

As she walked closer, she noticed both boys were just on their phones, scrolling through different social media platforms. She quickly brushes past them to put her dish in the sink. Ryan seemed unbothered but she could definitely feel Harry’s eyes on her. Once she makes eye contact with him, he quickly takes a sip of his juice and looks at his phone once more. “Y/N can you grab the chips in the cabinet please?” Ryan looks up at his phone and notices his sister was standing right in front of the cupboard. 

“Yeah, no problem.” She turns her back on them and opens the cabinet. She goes on her tiptoes reaching for the only bag of chips. Once she grabs them, she puts them on the counter and walks out of the room, only hearing her brother murmur a thank you. 

It was about 6:30 PM and the parents weren’t home yet. Ryan and Harry decided to chill in the living room when the doorbell rang. Pausing the game, Ryan opened the door to see Tom standing in front of him. “Y/N it’s for you!” He calls out for his sister since he knew Tom was her friend.

“Who’s that?” Harry mouthed.

“Her boyfriend.” Ryan shrugs as he unpauses the game. 

“Tom? What are you doing here?” Y/N walks down the stairs, pulling her shirt down. 

“Vanessa told me to come by. Apparently you need help with the calculus homework? I’m free tonight anyway.” He smiles and gives her a hug. Tom was a really good friend of Ness and Y/N. He was a smart boy that was really kind and obviously had a big crush on Nessa. There was anything he could do for her. 

Y/N instantly bit her cheek and laughed as she remembered Ness’ text message a couple of hours ago when she told her Harry came by. This was definitely one of Ness’ master plans. “You’re so sweet.” She pulls away and laughs. “We can go upstairs, I have a few questions to ask.” She quickly glances at her brother who doesn’t care all while Harry tried his best to maintain his eyes on the screen. 

“Y/N, Put some shorts on!”  Ryan finally yells out as the two went up the stairs. 

~ 

“I don’t get why he throws parties every weekend.” Ness takes a sip of her drink as they sit inside Harry's dining room. They probably weren’t going to stay too long. Everyone was inside due to the cold weather with the occasional smokers outside. Being the only few juniors, there wasn’t much the girls could do other than loiter around, drink a few cups and play the games they knew so well. Y/N wasn’t the type to have random hook ups but you know her exception with Harry. 

“Gemma has gone off for college and Anne is always working really late shifts at the hospital. He’s pretty much anywhere and everywhere besides his house unless it’s a party.”

“True.” 

“I’m going to say bye to my brother then we can head back to mine if you want?” Y/N offers as Nessa nods and downs her drink. 

“I’m going to drink a cup of water. Meet you at the front?”

“Mhm.” They both stand up and leave the room. Nessa was heading straight to the kitchen while Y/N began to wander around the house. 

“Y/N.” Harry calls out her name over the music. He was wearing a while long sleeved shirt that was unbuttoned. It made him look really attractive which almost made Y/N lose her breath. 

“Hey Harry, You know where Ryan is?” The only typical thing she would ever ask him before that one time. (Pretending as if she didn’t sexually harass him last time.) 

“He’s downstairs with the rest of the boys.” He glances around at everyone and looks at her once more. “I’m sorry, are you um- leaving?”

“Yeah me and Nessa are going to call it a night.” She wraps her hoodie around her figure and tries to make her way to the stairs. 

“Want me to give you girls a ride?”

“No no, it’s okay!” She smiles and waves her hand at him. “Nessa drove. You also have a party to h-”

“It’s kind of late maybe she should head home and we can-” And that’s when it hit her. Was Harry Styles trying to isolate her? 

“Oh.” She widens her eyes and slowly nods. “Okay. I’ll let my brother and Ness know. Should I meet you in your car outside?”

“Yeah.” He runs his hand through his hair and quickly leaves her side. After bidding her farewell to Ryan and explaining her interpretation of Harry to Ness, she was  quietly leaving the house as she watched Nessa walk by herself to the car down the street. What surprised Y/N more was to see him in his brown jacket standing by the passenger door. 

“Did you tell Ryan I was dropping you off?” He  nervously smiles as he opens the door for her. He makes sure no one is watching them leave together as he feels the butterflies forming in his stomach. 

“No.” She puts her hood on and sits in his car. She was picking on her stockings trying to avoid the awkward tension between them. Once Harry sat inside and they both put their seatbelts on, they were on their way to her house. It was weird knowing she was actually leaving a party with her brother’s best friend so she could suck his- 

 “What happens if they notice you’re gone?”

“Um, I’m sure they’ll think i'm elsewhere doing stuff.” She knew what he was thinking about and that made her a bit uncomfortable but it didn’t change the fact it was true.

“Are you still down to y’know?” Harry honestly never thought he would be this nervous talking to Ryan’s little sister. 

“Yeah.” She bites her lip as they glance at each other. 

“Cool. Are you like a virgin or something. I mean is there anything that I should know about?”

“No.” She shakes her head and low-key observes how he drives. 

This was going to be one hell of a night. 

Harry has seen Y/N’s room a countless number of times but to actually be with her by themselves in Ryan’s house made him feel really guilty. That guilt however, was shoved in the back of his throat. The girl in the room with his was obviously the best distraction. “I like your room.” he smirks at her as he looks at her soccer trophy collection from grade school. 

“Thanks.” She laughs lightly as she takes off her jacket. She quickly texts an update to Ness before putting the phone on do not disturb. 

“So before we start, what made you ask the offer?” He takes his jacket off and throws it on her chair. He sits on her bed and glances at the time. It was still early, so people probably weren’t going to be looking for him. 

“This is going to sound really dumb but I’ve had this crush on you since the cruise last summer. Well, you know Nessa... she had this thought and she thinks it is just pent up sexual frustration?” She shakes her head of saying the whole idea out loud. “So I thought maybe I should just get it out of my system.” Harry laughs as he takes in of what she just said. it made her smile as well.

“You were checking me out all summer?” He asks her in disbelief. “Little Y/N wanted to jump my bones?” He started to smirk at her. Although they didn’t know each other too well, the awkward tension was gone with just one simple laugh of his. 

“Stop laughing.” She throws a pillow at him. “I didn’t think you would say no.”

“I didn’t want to say no Y/N are you crazy? I’m laughing because I kept checking you out in those tiny bikinis you used to wear.” He throws the pillow to the side and shakes his head. “I don’t want to cross Ryan like that but I think i need to get you out of my system too.”

“Mhm and why’s that?” She locks her door and sits on the bed with him. “Because Carla couldn’t distract me from seeing you in my sheets.” He leans in and kisses her. “Tom coming by a few days ago with you wearing nothing but those little shorts was already making me lose my mind.” He whispers and kisses her again. 

Y/N immediately sits on his lap while trying her best to keep his mouth on her’s. Everything about this was so hot. She was about to just rip his clothes off. 

“One and done yeah?” Y/N rubs herself on him as her fingers tangle themselves in his hair. He kisses down her neck while grabbing her ass. 

“One and done. Just to get you out of my system.” He confirms with her as he gently throws her on the bed. He’s pulling his long sleeve off and taking his shirt off but once he begins unbuckling his jeans, he couldn’t help but notice Y/N trying to take her shirt off as well. “Fuck.” He murmurs as he gently unbuttons her long sleeve to help her take it off. In a flash, he’s on his knees unzipping her skirt and taking her stockings off as well. “You looked really pretty tonight by the way.” His cheeks flush as he throws her bottoms behind his back. Y/N laughs quietly and she sits up and brings his face closer to hers. 

“I actually would like to say the same exact thing.” He leans in to kiss her once more. Her lips were extremely soft and forbidden and it was making him slowly lose his mind all over again. Y/N thought Harry was just a phase but that seemed impossible as she was already dreading the fact this was a one and done situation. 

“You’re just so fucking soft and alluring.” He whispers in her ear as he unclasped her bra. “I already know I need to fuck you hard.” Y/N eyes’ roll back as she feels his wet mouth on her nipple as the other one massaged the other. Her hands were trying really hard to focus on the task at hand which was to undo his pants but it was definitely not working with the way he was distracting her. Not a single thought could process in her mind.

“I think since this is a one and done situation, you better make this memorable.” She whispers and bites her lip as she tries to hold back a moan. His fingers were teasing her covered entrance but Harry could feel her drenched spot already clenching at his presence. 

“Memorable? I’ll definitely leave my mark on you.” He sucks on her mouth more roughly than usual as he rubs his fingers on her centre. “You wanted me so bad baby? You just had to beg me huh?” He gestures his hips more forward to help her with his pants. 

“I’m kind of new to this. Be a bit patient.” Y/N laughs as she gently unzips his pants after numerous attempts.  

“You just ruined the moment.” He laughs with her as he kisses her forehead and takes his pants off as well. “Just kidding, this is probably the most fun I had.” He hovers over her again and teases her entrance. 

“What do you mean?” She lays on her back and roams her hands all over his chest. 

“Never got the chance to tease the fuck out of a pretty girl then fuck her hard.” He slaps her clit and bites down on her lip. She suddenly lets out a moan that makes her eyes flutter and her chest rise closer up to his face. 

He brings two of his fingers to her mouth and slowly lets her lick on it before rimming her entrance and shoving it in without any warning. His thumb slowly rubs her swollen numb as he can’t help but rub himself on her sheets as well. “You mind if I get a little bit of a taste? I’ve been dying to know. I saw you earlier at the party and I had to jerk myself off seeing you in those little stockings of yours.” 

“You. You jerked yourself off thinking about me, baby?” She looks down at him and smiles softly. He gives her a little smirk before pulling his hand away and heading his head down a bit south. His tongue dips slowly on the left side of her leg as his hands grip her thighs tightly, sure of the bruises to form soon.

“You’re like a fucking wet dream. How can I say no to you?” He urgently swipes his whole tongue on her centre. “I saw you earlier and had to go to my room.” He takes another lick. “Fuck baby, the best i’ve fucking tasted. Fuck oh fuck.” He precisely observes the way your whole swallows his fingers in and clench so tightly around him. His tongue dipping and switching with his fingers because he honestly can’t decide which is best. 

“Harry, fuck me please baby.” Y/N moans loudly as she harshly grabs on her boobs. She’s never been fucked this good. It was honestly feeling like a dream. With that being said, she’s only had sex a handful of times but Harry seemed like such an expert in the field. “Oh God.” She tries to pull away. She wasn’t sure if she could continue on with Harry obsessively licking and sucking on her wet centre. 

He looks up and watches her eyes roll back as her fingers begin to pull on his head aggressively. His only reflex is to spread her legs wider. After her first orgasm, Y/N lays on her back staring at her ceiling trying to catch her breath. 

“Fuck me.”

“We aren’t done yet, love.” He laughs at her cuteness. He can’t remember the last time where he wasn’t rushing to finish himself off. He was taking his time with Y/N since it’s what she deserves. He lays down beside her and kisses down her chest. “Tell me when you’re ready to go, yeah?” He dips his tongue on her shoulder until it reaches the huge hickey he left on her collarbone. He gently licks around it and sucks on it again. 

He was a bit surprised to see Y/N sit up and grab a condom from her drawer. “Thank you for fucking the shit out of me, I’ll gladly return the favour.” She smiles and tucks her hair behind her ear as she focuses on putting the contraceptive on him. Just touching it was already forming butterflies in her stomach. 

“I could’ve been fucking you on that cruise.” he mischievously smiles at her as he watches the way her pretty tits move. 

“You were sharing a room with my brother.” She hisses as she holds onto his shaft trying to gently ease the pain as she fully sits on him. 

“But you were alone.” He grabs onto her waist and helps her. “You’re so beautiful fuck.” He sits up on her headboard as her palms rest on his chest. Both of their eyes couldn’t help but watch the way he was easily penetrating her. 

“Was touching myself because of you.” She mumbles out as her speed begins to increase.

“What did you say baby?” He almost chokes on his breath as he can feel her fully taking him in. 

“Couldn’t stop thinking of you on that cruise. I needed you to rail the fuck out of me.” She moans louder as she starts to feel his hips meet her. 

“Fuck me. So perfect, Shit.” He quickly turns them around and shoves himself back into her. His hand immediately tightens around her neck and once he is about to pull it away, she keeps his hand on her. 

“Fuck me harder.” She cries out as his arm begins to push her legs up. He spits in between their centres before thrusting as hard as he can. All you could hear was her headboard banging against the wall as his hand continuously choked the fuck out of her. 

“I bet you like getting spanked too huh?” He bites his lip and semi turns her body before slapping her ass. 

“Harry fuck.”

“Come on, baby. Be a good girl and come around my cock.”

“Fuck fuck fuck.” Y/N cries out as her fingernails scratch his back. “Come in my mouth. I want to taste you so bad please.” tears begin to form in her eyes as she continues to clench around his dick. Harry immediately pulls off the condom and helps her sit up on her knees. She absolutely could not feel a thing below her stomach but with Harry’s hard cock in her mouth, she was already closing her eyes and trusting him with everything she was. She’s never been this fucking vulnerable, she was literally about to pass the fuck out. 

She was softly holding onto his thighs but her hands found comfort on his waist as he began to fuck her mouth harder. Harry on the other hand, kept his eyes on how her mouth was taking him in. He watched the way his fingers wrap around her hair tightly as he brought his hips closer and closer until he could feel her gagging on his dick. Without a warning, he immediately pulls out and spills all over her face.

“Why’d you do that?” She opens her eyes and pouts. She was pretty upset how she couldn’t taste him spill into her mouth. So her finger immediately takes a swipe of his spill and puts it in her mouth. Without hesitation, she’s taking his forming soft dick in her hands before softly licking it clean and softly sucking on his balls. She takes his shaft and swipes her cheek once more before licking the rest of his spill from his shaft. 

“You’re going to make me hard again if you keep doing that baby. Might not be as nice as I was this time.” 

“Maybe I want another round?” She gestures him to lie down as she continues to kiss and suck on his cock. 

“Thought it was a one and done.” He softly smiles as he removes some of the hair from her face.

“How about a one and done night?”

“Deal.”

And although they thought this was crossing a line, they already knew the moment their lips touched, they wouldn’t be able to stop.

~

“Wait so he changed his mind!” Nessa laughs as they drive back home. “Bitch how are you at school today? I literally saw you limping at lunch.”

“Shut up.” Y/N mouth widens as she rubs her face. “I don’t know what happened okay? We said one and done but we honestly went a couple of rounds before I had to wake him up so he could drive back home.”

“But is he out of your system? Don’t get me wrong Harry’s a fine guy but like dating wise? He’s been with other girls but somehow always goes back to Carla. They’ve been like that before you and Ryan moved here.” 

“Yeah, he’s out of my system.” Y/N laughs but truth be told, some nights when she can’t sleep, she’ll find herself staring at the ceiling. 

“Why are you guys home so early?” Nessa asks once they step inside the house. There was a good comparison between Nessa and Ryan with Y/N and Harry. First off, Nessa literally saw Ryan as her older brother which meant they were pretty vocal towards each other. Secondly, Nessa was very comfortable at Y/N’s house almost as if this was her second home. 

“Carla and Cassidy are coming over.” Ryan smirks as Harry cleans the living room behind him. “During the party last night, I may have asked if they wanted to come over for a double date game night thing. Mom and Dad are cool with it since it's a Monday which is their date night too.

“Oh have fun.” Y/N buds in and laughs. “Make sure to actually vacuum please. You don’t want the girls finding your crumbs on the carpet.” She takes her jacket off as Nessa follows behind her up the stairs. Harry obviously tried to ignore the fact, she bluntly ignored him. 

“Double date? Damn, you guys really did just fuck and brushed it under the carpet.”

“It meant nothing right. So?” Y/N tries to brush off the topic as she sets her backpack down. “Why won’t you sit down?” “On that bed?” Nessa smiles awkwardly as she glances at the double bed near the wall. 

“I changed the sheets.” Y/N takes her shirt off and replaces it with another loose top. She unzips her pants and wears her black tights instead.

“So should we invite ourselves to their double date?” Nessa raises her eyebrows as she lays down on the bed. 

“No because it’s weird and I don’t want Harry to think I’m jealous.”

“I think you are.”

“Nope, I told you I don’t like him like that anymore and he’s out of my system.” She tries to ignore the fact, how she swallowed him without hesitation.

“Okay but wouldn’t it be better to prove to yourself you are just by being around him.” And although Y/N wanted to protest that, the two best friends ended up being invited by Ryan to play downstairs anyway. 

“You girls want a refill?” Ryan sits up from the coffee table as he cleans up the empty red cups. Ness, Carla, and Cassidy wanted a new one which made Y/N go help her brother out in the kitchen. 

“Are you having fun?” Ryan asks as he throws the cups in the recycling. Y/N pours the preferred drinks in the new cups as she looks up at her brother. 

“Yeah, I was wondering why you invited Ness and I. Don’t you think we’re cock-blocking?”

“Harry suggested you guys hang out with us while we played games. More competition is fun y’know. Plus you and Nessa can leave whenever.”

“Oh cool. Thanks, I guess?” 

“Yup.” He grabs two cups as she does. She couldn’t help but notice how Ryan suddenly started cheering. “Yeah, Styles get it! Woooo!” Y/N turns her eyes to notice Harry and Carla making out on the floor by the coffee table. 

“Are you guys dating again?” Cassidy laughs as she tries not to watch them make out.

“Sure.” Carla pulls away and pecks his cheek. Nerissa was just watching Y/N’s reaction and she knew it was a bad one. 

“Y/N could you walk me to the car? Appa just texted me and he’s wondering where I am. I forgot it was his birthday.” Nessa speaks up.

“Oh shit.” Y/N was clueless of her excuse. Which thankfully made her seem more genuinely in a rush to get out of the room. She sets the drinks on the table before going upstairs with Ness.

“How did you forget it was Appa’s birthday, Ness?” 

“I don’t know.” She packs her things up. “Why don’t you come with me? He’s gonna blow his cake soon.”

“Oh, I don’t want-”

“Come.” And if there was one thing Y/N knew well about Nessa, it was that she wouldn’t ever forget it was Appa’s birthday, especially if she just celebrated it a couple of months ago. Without a fight to say no, Y/N immediately grabs a hoodie as they walk down the stairs. 

“Ryan, I’m going to Ness’ to celebrate Appa’s birthday. I’ll be home soon before Mom and Dad comes home.”

“Oh okay.” Ryan waves at his sister as his arms rests on Cassidy’s shoulder. 

“Bye guys!” Ness and Y/N wave as they both exit the house immediately. Harry stays unbothered as he takes another sip of his beer. 

“Thank you for getting me the fuck out of there.” 

“It’s okay. We don’t actually have to leave you know. It’s 6 PM, I can drive the car to a different neighbourhood and you can cry all about him there.”

“I love you.” Y/N begins to tear up. 

“I love you too.”

~

“What’s Tom doing here?” Ryan’s eyes are in shock as he watches his sister hold hands with the familiar boy. What’s confusing is that Y/N went to Ness’ for a birthday. 

“He just wanted to come over.” She smiles innocently as she waves hi to the same party. It was just about 7 PM and the double date duo was watching an unfamiliar movie on TV. Nessa called Tom and Y/N had to explain their situation. Although he didn’t really want to do it. He knew Y/N wanted to prove something to the Harry guy. So as long as they didn’t do anything romantic or weird that would cross his boundaries, Tom was okay with it. 

“Aw, I didn’t know you were dating Thomas?” Cassidy smiles as she walks in with a bowl of popcorn. She hands it to Carla who is cuddling up against Harry on one of the sofas.

“We aren’t dating.” They both look at each other and laugh. Tom shakes his head and pulls Y/N up the stairs instead. 

Once the pair is gone, the dates begin to watch their movie again. “Ryan, you really don’t care if your sister is by herself with that boy?” Carla laughs as she feeds herself and Harry popcorn.

“I’m definitely not going to interfere with that, they’re probably doing the nasty already.” His eyes widen as he stuffs more popcorn down his mouth and although, Harry was keeping his eyes on the screen, there wasn’t anything sitting well with him knowing the girl he was with on the weekend was already in somebody else’s arms. 

The goal was to get each other out of their systems, why the fuck are they so jealous then?

great plan Vanessa. 

Part deux ici 

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

copy of a copy of a copy - a close reading

why hello!! here i am again with my nonsense. thought i'd give it another go yk. with fine line and walls done and dusted i barely knew what to do with myself but then i remembered there are so many songs i haven't even so much as glanced at. so here we are.

enjoy this angry sadness! <3

LYRIC ANALYSIS

beginning: echo of stop crying your heart out by oasis

It's an old curse, dreamers diving head first

"curse": deeply negative

"dreamers": word often associated with people's ambition to make it big in the acting world/music industry

"diving head first": naively going all-in, agreeing with shit that might not be in their best interests without being aware of it

Broken beaks and dead birds

Can't get through the glass

"broken beak": can't sing/speak

those who tried to break the curse, get through the glass ceiling, got hurt or worse

～ "breaking through the atmosphere", sott

There's no use crying over spilled blood Caring only kills(,) love A kiss won't bring it back

whose spilled blood? my own, someone else's? who spilled the blood?

"a kiss won't bring it back", unlike in sleeping beauty, snow white, the little mermaid, etc. this isn't a fairytale (～ only the brave "it's a tall tale")

be selfish and you'll make it

I know that the first blow hits you cold

"i know", i've been there

when realisation hits, that first disillusionment

Young man, hush your crying, dry your tears away

"young man" - specifically male: singing to his younger self as much as a young person going through the same things he went through?

～ "just stop your crying", sott

～ "stop crying your heart out", oasis (sonically inspired!! see below)

Nothing is original, there's nothing left to say

cynical

don't bother trying to be unique, be you, there's no room for that here

better be quiet? "shut up and sing"?

You won't be the first or be the last to bleed

shit's not changing anytime soon, don't waste your breath

Every broken heart as far as your eye can see

where are you seeing them? in the crowd in front of you? in the falling stars?

It's a copy of a copy of a copy It's a copy of a copy of a copy

～ copy of a, nine inch nails !!!!!!

every broken heart is a copy of a copy - the hearts have been broken the same way. let down, pushed down, hidden away

it's happened over and over, forever: closeting of queer people in the industry

I can hear you, howling 'til your lungs hurt

(probably no actual reference but i'd still like to link it:) howl - allen ginsberg (very very gay poet / celebrating ppl choosing to live free artistic sexual queer lives outside of society's norms) "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked" "who let themselves be fucked in the ass by saintly motorcyclists, and screamed with joy, who blew and were blown by those human seraphim, the sailors, caresses of Atlantic and Caribbean love" "who lost their loveboys to the three old shrews of fate the one eyed shrew of the heterosexual dollar" "who fell on their knees in hopeless cathedrals praying for each other’s salvation"

So let this be your comfort

louis's music in general seems to want to offer comfort, no matter how cynical or angry he gets in the lyrics - he hasn't lost his heart, despite the "lesson" of dropping all emotion he's trying to teach the young man

You're not the only one, no In a strange way, all in this together Been this way forever, you're not the only one

"it's an old curse"

we won't be able to change it, but if we stick together we'll survive

"been this way forever" ～ otb, history repeating itself

SYNTHESIS

Copy of a Copy of a Copy is in many ways a smart trick of a song. First of all, we've got the title, that could very well be a reference to a Nine Inch Nails song. Then there's the instrumental intro, which sounds a whole lot like Oasis's Stop Crying Your Heart Out. Not to mention the hint at Sign of the Times at multiple points in the song, sonically as well as lyrically.

Let's start with the Nine Inch Nails thing, because they have a song called Copy of a. Here are some snippets from the lyrics just to point out some obvious parallels:

I am just a copy of a copy of a copy

I am just a shadow of a shadow of a shadow Always trying to catch up with myself I am just an echo of an echo of an echo Listening to someone's cry for help

You need to play your part

See I'm not the only one

Doing everything I'm told to do

Stop Crying Your Heart Out is, to me, a conscious reference to give this song, that can get very cynical and disillusioned, that typical Louis 'it is what it is' comfort. I've spoken about Louis's references to Oasis in my Walls analysis, where he echoes Acquiesce to the point where he gave Noel Gallagher a writing credit. In any case, Stop Crying Your Heart Out is a hug and squeeze, a 'chin up, love' because shit hurts but "you'll never change what's been and gone". You won't be the first or last, best not waste any of your precious time mourning what can't be changed.

Then, the parallels with Sign of the Times are of a significance I surely don't need to spell out. The theme of both songs is one and the same, even the general tone of the message is similar. Seems like the results of a common opinion, almost. With Sign of the Times (analysis coming soon btw), Harry chooses the dream of an escape to deal with the shit that's handed to them, while dishing out eerily calm but still cynical lyrics about misfortune and sadness. This cynical tone is also present in Copy of a Copy of a Copy, although much more prominent. It's this is shit and i hate that i can't change it and i can't help anyone or myself or the one i love BUT i can be fucking angry about it and write it into a song and make sure millions listen. In Sign of the Times that feeling is a bit more buried, but it's definitely there.

Copy of a Copy of a Copy is an angry song. In typical Louis fashion, the anger comes out sarcastic, layered and strategic. It sounds like a Grimm-esque old folk's tale that uses curses, birds and kisses to convey the deeply unsettling lesson. The violent imagery of the dead birds and spilled blood might remind us of Only the Brave, with all its fires, falls and graves, which is also a song that, unsurprisingly, matches this one. It's the same furious sadness that fuelled both songs. Anger at being a bird in a cage, told to sing, and having your beak broken the moment you dare to speak your mind. Anger at being made into a carbon copy of some heteronormative money-making success. Anger at almost losing your heart to a ruthless industry where being selfish gets you the furthest.

The song does build up to a note of warmth, where Louis offers the young man he's singing to the solace that he's not alone, and never will be (despite that message also being a bitter one, since that means the industry and its toxic practices will never change). There's no way to change what's been done or what's still being done to us, so all we can really do is stick together. Find our nook.

Obviously, though, there is no implication of a happy ending. The only bit of that is caught in the "you're not the only one", but how does Louis suggest you go on? Is the only way really to conform to the industry's rules and expectations, to not fight back bc it costs you too much? More than anything, I think this is Louis not backing down and stating very clearly that there is no solace to be found in the way it is right now, besides sticking together with the ones who are in the same boat. He doesn't want to twist the story into something positive, in the end, because it isn't. "A kiss won't bring it back", this is not a fucking fairytale. He will stay furious until shit changes, and his hopes aren't very high for that.

The fact that he made this song, though, means he wants to achieve something with it. There is the will to fight for that change. He wants people to listen to his story. He's fighting against the cage by describing life inside of it. It's a signal to those who know that shit's still shit, and it's a way to get even more people up to speed with how the course of history is actually running. All we can do is hope that there will be change, and that Louis's life and career take a turn in a direction that he fully chose himself. That the cage is open and he's free to fly.

[deedoop]

Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

The first punch always hurts the worst. Never is quite numb like the rest that follows. Billy has taken many punches in his eighteen years of life, but these always hurt the most. "Why cant you just be a good son?" Neil spits as he speaks, it burns Billy's flesh in the worst kind of way.

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be

He doesn’t fight back. Knows it’ll only be worse if he does. Max looks away, walks on by as Billy is pinned against the wall. He’s alone in this fight. Hes always been alone in this fight. The second punch never hurts as much as the first. He’s thankful for that.

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Sometimes the burn of alcohol hurts worse than a punch. The memories it sometimes carries. The feelings. Sometimes he hears his mother whispering in his ear. “Let it be Billy, It’ll be okay.” And he believes her, just for that moment. Like he always did. Like he did when she promised she would save him. Sometimes the alcohol puts him into a deep sleep where not even dreams can infiltrate. It leaves him numb, leaves him sitting there in his room for long hours staring at the ceiling, hoping he chokes on his own puke. Maybe than it’ll be okay.

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be

Christmas has never been fun. Never been anything to Billy but broken promises and busted ribs. His head still hurts. Harrington had done a number on him. Max had done worse. Had he become his father? Had he become everything he hated? He cant help but stop and stare as Susan does Max’s hair. When Max stares back, his stomach feels like its churning. He cant help but walk away, walk away before he pukes. Walk to his father and silently help place plates on the dinner table. He wonder what he got this year under the tree, maybe another broken promise.

And when the brokenhearted people

Living in the world agree

The gang avoid him like the plague. He cant blame them. He wants to apologize to Steve, hates the way his face is all black and blues. Reminds him too much of his own face. Steve’s face feels like a mirror to his soul. Blacks and blues. The locker room of the Hawkins High gym seems to shrink around Billy, seems to grow dark and dim with a spotlight on Steve’s busted face. On his chest. His arms. “Why cant you be a normal son?” The fight that led to his imprisonment in Indiana. The crime of kissing another boy. Steve Harrington glares at him, dares him to make a move, fists clenched, eyes full of rage. If Steve Harrington decided to kill him? Billy was pretty sure he’d let it happen. He’d deserve it for being so cruel, for falling in love with another boy, for becoming Neil.

There will be an answer

Let it be

Billy knows what to do. Knows what he must do. Drink and fuck until his body kills itself, till nothing feels real. Till he can hear his mothers voice whispering in his ear. He squeezes his eyes shut. Hopes she comes soon, hopes she carries him away. Jason’s party is so lame, the snow of January falls in heavy blankets, covering his Camaro as the party continues. Steve Harrington is laughing, enjoying a smoke, enjoying his friends. Tommy Hagan keeps trying to talk to Billy, but he cannot hear him, cannot hear him over his want for his mothers voice, of the swirling of alcohol in his head, of the guilt in his heart. Steve Harrington is laughing with some girl, flirting his heart out, the smell of dope heavy in the air. When Tommy tries to talk to him again, he pushes past him without a word, walks behind Jason’s house and sits on the snowy porch steps. Wants to freeze, wants to heal the burn and sickness that brews in his heart. The guilt. The love. The pain. He tilts his head up to the cold sky, his breath visible in the air. He hopes his mother can hear him. Hopes she hates him as much as he hates himself. It’s what he deserves.

For though they may be parted

There is still a chance that they will see

His mom was right to leave him. He knows that as he pukes his guts out the next morning, when his fingers shake and his head feels ripped open. Knows that as Max avoids him. Knows that as Steve’s face heals. Knows that as Neil breaks his knuckles on his teeth. He hopes she has a good life. Hope she has forgotten about him because one of them needs too forget. Max is a child. He can’t blame her, cant hate her, for just trying to survive. For just trying to be a child. How is she going to stop Neil Hargrove’s rage or his own self destruction? Yet there is a knock on the bathroom door and when he opens it, a water bottle sits. He isnt quite sure how to feel about it but he takes it and slumps down, hopes he either dies or feels better before Neil gets hope. He cant afford another broken lip.

There will be an answer

Let it be

He has let his rage go on so long he doesn’t know what to do when he feels nothing anymore. When all he can do is stare into space and think of the thoughts he was too scared to say aloud. When no more tears come to the surface, when no more rage or anger explodes, when all he is, is nothing. He wont become Neil, cant become Neil because his mom is whispering in his ear. “Billy, i’m proud of you.” He’s sure its the dehydration, the lack of eating, the lack of sleep. He hears his mothers voice and it breaks his heart and kisses it better all at once. He apologizes to Max first, goes to her room after dinner, when Neil is asleep, when Susan pretends to be. He sees her tense up, sees her anger, her hurt. “Max.." And he knows no words can truly solve the hurt that he has caused. That she had caused. That they had caused. The wedge Neil had driven. He promises to be better. Promises mean shit. Even he knows that. Its action that means something. He hopes they can be better. When he drops Max off at the arcade, she pauses, stares at him a long moment. “Thanks..Billy.” And next is Lucas who reasonably doesn’t forgive him. He wouldn’t forgive himself. He just hopes he can prove himself and have his mom be proud of him again.

And when the night is cloudy

There is still a light that shines on me

He goes to the mall, drops Max off, theyd been better as of late, listened to her whisper about Lucas, told her she couldnt ever tell Neil, to never bring him to the house because the neighbors would gossip. He doesnt want her to ever have the need to be numb, to hurt. He listens to her miss California, listens to her miss her father. “Be safe.” Billy grunts, he has his own motivation to be here. Not for cute girls or buying new earrings. But Steve. Last night, Max had apologized for drugging him. How fucked is that? How fucked was their life? How much had they ruined of what couldve been with anger? How much had he ruined? Only thing he could do now was try and be better. Somehow. So now he was here for Steve. Steve and his sailor costume, Steve and his eye rolls, Steve and his stiffening body as Billy walks in. Once more, Billy cannot blame him. “Two scoops of chocolate?” Billy offers, trying to smile. It comes off forced. “What? No threats Hargrove? No telling me to plant my feet before kicking me to the ground?” And Billy almost runs out. Almost cant do this. “I didn’t understand what was happening that night. I’m still not sure I do but we..I..I took everything out on you and..” His words stumble out like a million miles an hour. He isnt sure if hes apologizing for beating him up or fucking with him or- but Steve holds his hands up. “Quit it Billy. It was..a weird night and..just forget it. Max said you’re actually trying to be better. Just..water under the bridge.” And Billy laughs, really laughs. He never thought Steve the dork Harrington would be so..forgiving. “See you later sailor boy.” He doesn’t miss how Steve blushes.

Shine on 'til tomorrow

Let it be

He’s going to be better. Going to be the brother Max deserves. He’s not going to be his father and if he loves another boy so be it. Where else can his father run too? They already live in the middle of nowhere but at least nowhere has Steve who laughs at his jokes and laughs at his words and ices his cuts and bruises. Steve who he gets high with. Steve who believes him. Max who teases him about it. Max who knows too much and makes him blush. Max who sits in his room and blabs for hours about Lucas, about music, about Kate Bush. He can be better. He refuses to be numb any longer. 1986 was going to be his year.

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

[anyoneseenadam]

Hello, can I please request NSFW Azriel x reader drabble? They are mates and Azriel is bored during some unimportant political meeting so he sends dirty imagines and ideas to her through their bond along with his shadows which make her feel like if he is really touching her... (English is not my first language so I hope this makes sense)

pairing: azriel x reader (acotar)

warnings: NSFW, dirty talk, descriptions of sex, men (sksksk couldn’t help myself) blood kink cause it’s az and Rhys being a lil shit :)

a/n: thank you for requesting! i hope you like this <3 I tried not to get carried away and turn it into a 25 part series (this time)

(also i didn’t know if people wanted to be tagged in this that wanted to be tagged in home so i didn’t but if u do just lemme know :))

--------------------------------------------------

You were sat at a round table, staring at the grooves in the wood as the Illyrian generals around you droned on about treaties and training. Rhysand had begun forcing you to come along to the meetings held twice a decade where the Illyrian generals from each camp would gather and share ideas, or mainly try bully other camps into dropping new protocols such as training females. Your head whipped up when your name was called, and you mentally thanked yourself for remaining at least partially present, beginning to talk through your plan to modernise areas of the camps, and actively ignoring the scoffs from men who didn’t believe you should be talking.

You felt a tug on your mating bond with Azriel and let your eyes momentarily catch his. He looked pristine as always, not a hair out of place and back perfectly straight, hands always within reach of a weapon. Your bond had clicked just over a year ago when an old friend Mor had sought you out, needing your knowledge on the ancient creatures you had been studying. You had asked for all the information they had and begun filling them in on your knowledge of a certain species big cat that you believed had been terrorising the Illyrian camps when Azriel and Cassian had stood, arming up to take on the beast when you had widely protested. “You can’t kill them please! They’re so rare and already going endangered, I’ll come with you I have been studying them I believe I could calm them down!” They had all be wary of your plea but allowed you to come along, following closely in case you were wrong. But as you had told them you were never wrong and soon found the cub the cats had been looking for, and returning it to the animals, smiling as they scampered off, Cassian laughing in disbelief besides you and Azriel on your other side, gazing at you in awe. You were about to offer an “I told you so.” as you turned to face the males when the air was stolen from your lungs, staring at Azriel as the bond clicked into place.

As you continued talking you sent a tug back, moving to look directly at your high lady as protests called out at your so-called radical ideas, and she quickly jumped to defend you as they outlined more and more plans that you had no interest in. You shivered as you felt two of Azriel’s shadows rest against your arms, one moving up to curl around your neck like a sleeping cat and looked at him again as he spoke through your bond.

I’m bored.

That surprises me. You replied, fighting a grin at his pout.

You want to know what I’m thinking about? He asked, face completely calm, asides from his eyes, which were sparkling with mischief and something darker.

Do enlighten me.

Bending you over this table and fucking you until all these men know who you belong to. You choked on your saliva at his crude statement and felt your cheeks heat up. But you’d love that wouldn’t you sweetheart, you’d be begging for me the whole time not even caring who saw you, so cock hungry. You’d let me stake my claim, let me make them watch as I take you apart. They’d never get to flirt with you again.

You glared at him, but it was half hearted as you felt a shadow trail up your leg in a shape all too familiar to that of your lovers’ hands. Azriel I need…

Already begging me darling, we still have an hour left. You glanced at the clock and almost cried out when you saw he was telling the truth, and then again when his shadows trailed over the damp patch that was forming on your panties. Then he was sending you images. They started innocently enough, the dress shirt that was just slightly too tight on him, his hands unsheathing truth-teller, but they soon changed. The image of him fucking you from behind in front of the full-length mirror in your room, blood trailing from the bite in your neck that he had given you animalistically, he had caught your gaze in the mirror and held it as he leaned down, licking your wound clean, his hips meeting yours roughly, the only sounds filling them room was the harmony of your moans and the lewd sounds of your copious wetness.

You were pulled back to reality when Feyre said your name and you clenched your hands in your lap as Azriel’s shadows seemed to reach under your flimsy panties. The ones you had pulled on without thought as you and Azriel raced to not be late for this exact meeting as a result of your morning filled with lazy kisses and slow thrusts. You shot Feyre a pained look as she repeated the question, Rhys stifling a laugh beside her, she smacked his leg as you blushed trying to answer her as best you could.  You were cut off halfway through but couldn’t feel any resentment as the shadows caressed you.

Good girl, Azriel smiled, if you remain quiet I’ll maybe reward you when we get home.

Azriel I don’t think I can…

You can and you will. Was all he said before sending you more images, the sight of yourself spread beneath him on your bed, glowing from an intense orgasm just to face another. The memory of the time Azriel had taken you so hard and for so long you had passed out, and woken up to an extremely stressed mate, although he left out that part. Or memories of when you had hidden beneath his desk, struggling to fit his cock in your mouth and slurping around him as you tried to bring him to completion, one hand tangled in your head, thrusting in and out of your wet cavern, the other gripping his desk so tight, his knuckles were white as snow. By the time he hour was up you had soaked through your panties and were resting your chin on the palm of your hand as you tried to hold in sounds, a task that became nearly impossible as he continued to send you dirty images and words, his shadows exploring your deepest parts. When the meeting concluded Azriel was at you side in an instant, an arm coming securely around your waist as his mouth dipped to whisper in your ear.

“Good girl,” was all he said, leading you through the room, beelining for the door, only to be interrupted by Rhys, who had a shit eating grin on his face and Feyre who almost, almost looked apologetic.

“You guys coming to ours? It’s almost time for dinner and I’m sure everyone will be there.” Rhysand asked, grinning when you glared at him. He knew exactly what Azriel had been doing, having done it himself to Feyre on many occasions.

“I’m afraid the missus isn’t feeling well,” Azriel replied smoothly, and you send him a tug of appreciation.

“That’s too bad, well have a fun night.” Rhysand replied with a wink, making Az’s hand tighten on your hip as he winnowed the two of you to your home. When you were inside your room he pushed you against the wall, smiling wickedly as he ran his nose along the soft column of your throat, his lips trailing kisses up to your ear as he whispered, “I don’t think I’m done playing with you yet.”

You whined at his words as he stripped you slowly, before pressing you down on the bed a hand firmly pressed against your throat. “You’ve lasted so long, but I want to see how long that patience will last,” he grinned, and you felt a wave of anxiety pass over you, “No cumming until I say so.”

You were in for a long night.

[dotthemagpie]

A weather-beaten Journal

The world gone to shit, it has Fallen.

A virus have knocked out most of the humanity and in a bid to survive had to fall into “serfdom".

The monsters starts to live out on Farms, and our favorite have one such farm.

The virus that knocked out humanity have the potential to turn monsters Feral, making them more like beasts than Monsters.

One day a servant finds a red and black journal, stained with yellow spots and smelling vaguely of mustard.

Since she was done with her tasks for today she decided to find a secluded corner and started to read.

Dec 16th, 6 years after the Fall

** **

My bro got the virus. He have been trying to hide it, trying his best to control himself, but today he lashed out and killed five servants when they got on his nerves. He growled and snarled like a beast, using his fang to tear out the throat of two of them before tearing the other three apart._

It is soulrending to see him act like this. He has already chosen a spot for himself in the barn, making himself a proper den before he loses his mind to his feral side. (There are smudges on a few words, as if tears had fallen while the person were writing it.)

…We are eating lasagna tonight, and it is the tastiest lasagna I have ever eaten. It seems like my bro have suddenly become the perfect chef. Not even Black, the critical fucker were praising the food a lot. Puzzle even said that he could never make a lasagna as good as that.

Skull devoured one and a half himself and pouted like a wounded puppy when he didn’t get any more.

My bro was so proud.

**Dec 20, 6 atf **

He tried to attack Blue today. Went right for his soul. Stretch almost killed him, and I had to beat the fucker until he learned that no one touches my lil’ bro. Blue just brushed it off like the damn tank he is, saying that it was his fault for getting too close to his room.

We had a meeting afterwards. Vanilla said that bro had to stay in the barn from now on. I almost beat the bastard, but I can’t deny it any longer. Edge has turned completely Feral. 

(There are a few more blotches of faded tears on the edge of the page.)

** Dec 22, 6 atf **

The snow falling is nostalgic, although it is white instead of gray like it was Underground. Edge has settled in the pen, only letting me, Papyrus or Puzzle close. Papyrus is a literal ray of sunshine that he somehow tolerates, and he seem almost afraid of Puzzle, even though he is the kindest of them all. 

He seems to remember who we are, but it is if he is more instinct than monster now. No wonder we call it the Feral Virus. Humans often die when they get it, but if they survive they turn immune. 

** Dec 23, 6 atf **

Those fucking slaves. Throwing shit and manure on my bro? They have a fucking death wish.

I now know why my bro always been so nervous around Puzzle. Watching that smiling tall freak cut the throats of those humans like they were cattle shows how different he actually is from Papyrus.

I almost forget how both he and Skull survived a hell that was far worse than me and my bro lived through.

We gave the last slave that acted up, the leader to Edge. It was… liberating watching him play with him like a cat does with a mouse. I made all the servants watch, to show them what happens when they think that our kindness is a sign of weakness.

**Dec 24, 6 atf **

Merry fucking Gyftmas.

** Feb 12, 7 atf **

Black got himself a Pet. A cute little thing with attitude like no other. He seem to enjoy the distraction, and her need for cleanliness around her seem to get his approval.

Heh, he almost tried to kill me when I started to flirt with her. Fine fine, I get it, she is yours you caffeinated, uppity bitch. 

** July 2nd, 7 atf **

Skull is turning Feral. It was hard noticing due to his wound and how quiet he tends to be, but he has become more and more territorial recently, and he even tried to bite Rus when he shortcutted too close to him.

Vanilla and I started looking for a cure the moment Edge started to show symptoms, but we had no headway so far.

**July 4th, 7 atf **

… I saw Puzzle cry in the kitchen last night when I went to look for some mustard. Black was there, trying his best to comfort him.

…I understand how he feels. When I visit my bro it feels like he doesn’t truly recognize me anymore. It hurts my soul.

July 15th, 7 atf

Skull moved into the barn. He took the largest one, as far away from Edge as possible, in order to not start any fights.

Smart of him, because my bro is territorial to a fault.

In other news, my bro has allowed Blue into the pen, and seems to enjoy his company from time to time.

Blue has decided to become the one to care for those that turn Feral, like the fucking goody two shoes he is.

Of course Stretch did not like this, and for the first time I saw them fight, loudly. Stretch hasn’t left the sheep pen in two days since the fight.

Rus and Puzzle delivers food to him, but when they come back they look like he had been mean as fuck to them.

Maybe I should tell Skull that Stretch has been cursing out Puzzle. He hasn’t turned completely Feral yet, and it would be good for the research… and put that lanky fucker down a few pegs….

Fucking Vanilla laughed at the idea, but said it would not be good if Stretch died. I don’t want to take care of the sheep, they freak me out, and Sans is always stuck in his lab, so he can live.

Aug 14th, 7 atf

…I think I am turning Feral.

There is a urge in my mind, like a fire of… something in my mind.

I told Vanilla, and he seemed to age in front of my eyes. He asked me to fight it as long as possible, and write down all the symptoms that I get.

I have already started a separate journal, writing down everything that happens to me.

I hope that it will help in some way at least.

I am going to treat this like a extra long vacation, if anything I will be finally sleeping as much as I want.

Although if Blue tries to do those exercises he does with Edge I will fucking blast him to pieces. 

 sep 3rd, 7 atf 

…I have to move to the barn.

I am nearing my heat, and I almost went after Black’s Pet.

I held myself back before I did anything, with the help of Puzzle distracting me with his talk about food.

The girl is a sweet one, giving Black the peace he needed from that Hell Underground we both have lived through.

I may be a asshole, but I would never hurt his beloved little Pet willingly. Not even I would go so far.

Luckily she sees me like the perverted, teasing other master, and I will make sure that is how she will remember the non feral me.

If you ever read this girlie, know that what I do as a Feral is not the real me. I would never hurt family by my own will.

sep 9th, 7 atf

This will be my last entry in this journal.

I have chosen my pen and renovated it to my liking.

I took the one between my bro and Skull, because I have to be close to my bro, and I don’t mind Skull. 

There is splotches of tears on this page.)I will never admit it, but I am scared of losing myself. What if that vanilla bastard never finds a cure? What if he gives up? What if I hurt anyone? What if I dust myself, or my own brother?

I hope when I return from my “vacation”, it won’t be too far in the future. One of the few perks being a Boss monster, not aging until we die.

Red out, going on vacation.

[theladyofmanyfandomsfanfiction]

Fear

Pairing: Jon Snow x Reader (with the ability to summon fire)

Inspiration: Season 7, Episode 6 - Beyond The Wall

Warnings: Language

Author note: Honestly my favourite scene! I had writing fever straight after.

Summary: You travel with Jon, Tormmund, Clegane and Beric and others beyond the Wall when you’re ambushed by wights.

Clegane and Tormmund slammed their bodies atop the creature to stop it from running off. It growled and screeched in a way that chilled their bloods more than the weather itself. Jorah grabbed rope from his bag and passed it to Gendry who hastily wrapped it around the creatures legs. The rest of the company watched on, ready to pounce if the creature got too powerful. 

“Jon.” You called out, voice slightly distant and distracted.

Turning to you instantly, Jon worried if you had been injured during the scuffle but it seemed that you weren’t paying any attention to them capturing the wight. 

Your eyes were wide and drawn to a large opening, face frozen with fright. Jon walked closer and noticed that you were breathing far quicker than normal after a fight. He placed a hand over your stomach to remind you that he was there and that you were going to leave but his voice was stuck in his throat when you let out a choked sob. 

“He’s coming.”

Jon was back on high alert at your words. Without questioning how you knew what you knew, he looked out in the same direction. Suddenly, everything fell silent and he heard the wind picking up in the distance with a faint rumbling. The sound of an avalanche drawing near with each second could be heard and the temperature around them dropped rapidly. 

Turning to where his company were restraining the wight, he saw that Jorah had noticed the same as fear latched onto him as well. Knowing that nothing good was coming, Jorah worked as fast as possible in throwing a bag over the monsters head. 

Thinking quick, Jon ran over to Gendry. 

“Run over to Eastwatch. Send a raven to Daenerys - tell her what’s happened.” He rushed out, frantically looking in different directions for a way out. 

“I’m not leaving you-“

“You’re the fastest. Go. Now!” Jon demanded, knowing that the danger was growing alarmingly fast and pushed the young boy in the direction he needed. Jon bolted off towards the large opening, grabbing you by the arm on his way. He couldn’t waste breath explaining himself. 

Quickly glancing back, he saw that the rest of the company were also following fast as the rumbling noise started to grow. He hoped that they’d have an advantage on open ground as one rock formation stood in the middle of an ice plain. 

Crack!

“Stop!” Jorah shouted, halting everyone suddenly. 

You finally snapped out of your fear-induced state and realised that the ice beneath your feet had started to crack. 

The noise behind switched from a rumble to a violent shake and, upon turning back, you all saw a hoard of wights charging for you. 

“Run!” 

Forgetting about the thin ice, you broke for the rock in the centre - praying to any god that was listening that it would be enough. The wights followed succeeding in taking down one of the nights watch. However, the weight of the creatures violent movements, broke the ice floor and drowned them. 

Once safely upon the rock, the company found that a ring of ice shattered around them which forced the wights to stand back. It was tense. The dead creatures stood silent, watching with blue eyes at the prey. They were ready to pounce.

“What are they waiting for?” Jorah asked. His question was met with silence, save for a few painful groans from Beric being tended to.

What were they waiting for?

“I can feel him.” You shivered, having taken a seat on a broken slab of snow-covered stone. 

“You sound like you fucked the Night King.” Clegane growled. He was tense and, quite frankly, tired of all this White Walker business. His remark blew over your head as your body trembled. 

“You don’t understand. I can’t feel my fire. Without it, my abilities won’t work.” 

Clegane rolled his eyes and grabbed you by both arms, shaking you so rough that, for a second, you thought he was trying to kill you. 

“Listen here! We’re fighting an army of dead fuckers who will rip you to shreds if you don’t get your shit straight!” He shouted. 

A hand landed on his arm and forced him a few steps back. “Get away from them!” Jon ordered. 

Clegane shook his head and turned away, muttering loudly for them to hear, “What good is a fucking 'phoenix’ if they’re scared?” 

Jon scowled at the man, almost regretting that he was with them. Then, he turned to you, crouching to your level. 

“Hey, they can’t get to us. See?” He pointed beyond the ring of water. “It’s alright.”

You frowned and looked up at him – your unintended fury surprising the young man. 

“It’s not fucking alright! And I’m not fucking scared!” You snapped, the latter part of our outburst aimed at the Hound before focusing on Jon again. “I can’t summon fire if my insides are frozen. I can’t use it to fight and I can’t do anything to help.”

Jon sighed and placed a hand on your cheek. He knew what it was like to feel lost and hopeless without the one thing he relied on. 

“Then fight. Fight to stay alive.” He told you and you instinctively gripped your Valeriyan steel sword. Just listening to his voice, made you feel like your situation wasn’t so deadly. You leaned into Jon’s touch and wondered how he was emanating heat in such conditions. 

“Only if you promise that you’ll fight to see me after this.” 

Jon chuckled for the first time since he reached beyond the Wall. He knew there was always a catch with you. Deep down, he wished he hadn’t asked you to come. You wouldn’t be in this kind of danger if he hadn’t opened his mouth. 

“I swear on my life,” He began. “That we’ll see each other after this.”

Beric paced past the couple and sighed, “I pray to the Lord of Light for it to be true.” 

It wasn’t long before night had fallen. Your energy was spent but you did everything you could from falling asleep but it was weakening you. Jon moved closer despite the winter chill biting his face. 

“Get some rest.” He insisted. 

You looked at him sadly, whispering back a small, “I can’t.” 

Clegane was taking the lookout and walked past with a loud groan. “Just go to sleep, for fucks sake.” 

Tormmund frowned at Clegane and stepped in front of him, “Watch your tone.” 

Clegane pushed past the Wildling and walked away from the Brotherhood for some peace of mind. Ignoring the Hound, Jon helped you sit down and let you press yourself against him for warmth. 

He didn’t sleep, he was on too high of an alert to close his eyes. But it seemed that being beside him, calmed you enough to lower your guard and worries. In no time at all, Jorah managed a small smile in your direction. 

“Perhaps with some rest, we may get our (Y/n) back.” He said. “Tyrion will not forgive me if his dearest friend doesn’t return.” 

“Nor would my sisters.” Jon nodded. “Or myself.”

It wasn’t long before each of them succumbed to the temptation of sleep in the cold silence. Sitting beside each other to not die. When they woke it was to the sound of their wight captive growling and snarling beneath the bag on its head. 

One by one they all stood up and saw that the wights hadn’t moved from the day before. The stood still and silent. They also realised that they had lost one of their own during the night. Saying their goodbyes as Beric prayed to the Lord of Light, Jon poured alcohol over the body before Beric lit up his sword and set his friends remains afire. 

Jon sighed and walked away to look out over at their problem, hoping that Daenerys was on her way. Jorah also made his way over and, together, they tried to solve the mystery of why the wights fell after Jon killed the White Walker. 

You were stood beside Tormmund when you felt a jolt of fear, shock through your body and fell forward on your knees - limbs numb and bones rattling. You gasped when you felt your chest constrict as if something had found its way to your heart and was trying to crush it. 

Closing your eyes briefly to null the pain, you saw the blue eyes of the Night King. 

Tormmund was at your side instantly, quickly and gently grabbing your arm to get you up, “On your feet, little flame.” He ushered. You caught your breath and looked up past the wights and to the ledge above them. 

There he was. Sitting on his horse with his generals behind. 

“He’s here.”

Tormmund helped you over to where Jon took a seat and left you with him. You sat quietly as talking would waste breath and you needed to save as much as you could for when the dead attacked. 

Crunch.

You and Jon turned sharply over to where Clegane was crouched over the end of the rockface. Tossing small stones to the side to grab a larger one. 

The pair watched as he stood back up, leaned back and then hurled the rock at the dead. There was a sickening slam against one of the skeletons as its jaw fell off. 

“Are you trying to piss them off?” You reprimanded. 

“Nope. Just you.” Clegane replied. 

You rolled your eyes angrily at him and watched as he hurled another rock - this one however, slid on the newly hardened ice and hit an undead foot.

“Shit.” You muttered and stood up. Jon thought the same and joined your side, remembering that you were fighting to stay alive.

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