#i understand him and he deserves forgiveness too depending on how he treated his friends

[soccerpunching]

If you think about it, Gouenji is actually the biggest "soccer freak" (soccer nerd ig??) in the series.

He left the national seat (which im betting is his dream), disappointed most of his friends (by ghosting them) and probably even Katsuya who just became ok with him pursuing soccer like 10 yrs ago, spent at least 2 years of his life as a made-up guy who sucks up to the rich creeps ("sponsors") as a disguise and then proceeds as the chairman for youth soccer knowing that his life as an athlete is time-limited. He's 24!! That's like in the time span of his supposed peak performance as a soccer professional and he's where?? Doing what???

[liannelara-dracula]

What would the mukami's be like as a single parents?

Mukamis as Single Parents

Hi Love,

Gosh this is long overdue forgive me! But anyways I tired to make these worth your while. I tried to put in as much as I could but for some I just didn't have much in mind. Reguardless, I still added pictures of what their kids may look like.

-Liannelara

P.S. I will probably be on a writing spree soon so prepare yourself. :)

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Prompt

Requests are open

Rules

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Ruki

He may not have his lover anymore but she left with a beautiful girl.

And ever since then, he vowed to make sure she'd have a better life than her parents.

He got good at it after some time.

At first, it was a little hard, because he didn’t receive too much guidance as a kid either.

He basically grew up on his own and thought himself everything.

Although he loves her and would do right by her.

He’s not going to let her down like his parents did to him.

He’d never leave her.

I mean he is all she has and she is all he has so it means a lot.

His daughter was about 5 to 6 years old when he lost his lover.

And he’s doing it on his own but he’s really gotten better at it.

He is strict but not overly strict like Reiji.

But he’s got rules, and he knows when his little girl is lying.

She’s not afraid of him tho, but she doesn’t like going in time out.

And she’ll defiantly argue with him.

She also isn’t super sensitive and doesn’t cry too much.

Mostly cause he tells her not to cry.

Ruki has definitely made her toughen up a bit with her being motherless.

Apart from this, she may have also a bit of his stoic personality and habits from her father, so expressing feelings often is less important/relevant to her.

This is how Uncle Kou is always given no love by her as she can cold like her father.

But Ruki finds that her adopting this trait from him is beneficial because that way she doesn't get hurt by letting others in.

Although she is still much less cold compared to Ruki, but in some way he likes that because it reminds him of how his lover used to be.

He makes sure she is academically successful and he teaches her how to cook.

I could just imagine his child sitting on his lap as they read a book together.

And even him just setting her on the kitchen counter and telling her to watch and taste test when he needs it. It's also for her to understand how cooked things should be and how they should taste.

Though whenever she asks him about her mother he doesn't like to talk about it, especially when she got older.

When she was a little is was easier for him to say she just passed away and all that stuff but as his daughter grew older she would ask about what she was like and that was a step Ruki never thought he'd get to.

Of course, it would depend on the relationship he has with his daughter, I picture that when she was little they were kinda close.

She depended on Ruki because he showed love to her and raised her.

So her dad was like her best friend, even if he isn't a "fun" dad she still cares about him because he's always taken care of her, and treated her well.

I don't see that he played with her too much but there where times when he would, especially when trying to cheer her up. So there where some tickles and some teasing about things.

Although there is mostly more heartfelt bonding and him giving warm smiles and telling her how she deserves so much.

When she got little older he would get colder at times as he kept trying to shut her out with his troubles and to protect her.

Even so she wants her dad to be closer and to tell her that he loves her because he doesn't say it that often.

And because she reminds him so much of his lover it he feels the extra need to protect her since Ruki would neer forgive himself if he lost her as well.

He'd feel so at fault and hate himself.

His daughter's appearance to her mother is uncanny but I also see she has her father's blue eyes.

And every time they fight it's like he's fighting with himself as they do look alike a bit, they are mostly alike in personality tho.

One thing he does say to her daughter often is how much she looks like her mother.

That's why its hard fro him to argue with her too.

Yuma

He'd have a little girl too!

She is a carbon copy of him, in looks.

Although in personality she isn't that brave or loud.

His calls his daughter "Pumpkin", sometimes he leans toward "little pig" and "little mouse".

But she loves to garden and so that allows him to connect with her and plus she's his little helper.

His baby is a handful though, at least he thinks so.

But she is the sweetest thing ever, she's even able to get on his good side and make him a softie.

Of course, Yuma only gets that way with his little girl.

I don't think it started that way though, because he thinks that because she's a girl she may not like mud, (it's sexist but they all are)

But that wasn't the case, his daughter was really fond of nature.

This may be because when she was only an infant he'd take her outside to hold her while he'd garden and so there must have been some connection.

Either way she loves hanging out with Yuma and always helps even when she can barely care anything.

But he also teaches her a lot of stuff about the plants and what thing s mean about the plants and how to grow them properly.

"Look here lil' mouse, if it's not red you don't pick it. Em' I clear?"

"Yeah."

"Alright then what'd I say."

"Don't touch, if not red."

"Yeah, exactly."

she has farm animals that he got her and especially loves the ducks.

She plays with them a lot in the water and feeds them bread to which Yuma supervises her.

sometimes she gets involved when he doesn't want her to and he agrues with her.

But because she is sensitve and Yuma yells more than half of the time, she can sometimes end up crying.

So at first its really hard for him to deal with his kid because is sensitive so he needs to find a different way to tell her things, well that was Kou's advice anyways.

Yuma also feels bad seeing his little girl cry and knowing he caused it he feels guilty. He also thinks of all the times he made his lover cry and how much it reminds him of her.

He apologizes a lot to his little girl by hugging her, and tell her that he's sorry.

Sometimes she has to apologize though, cause kids make mistakes.

Usually, though she's very kind for a kid, think for the most part she ended up getting used to her father's yelling and brash nature. So she eventually became less sensitive.

She normally doesn't try to argue with him, mostly cause she would get scared because she's seen him a bunch of things before. Its also because she hates loud noises, so she tends to cry when he's loud.

Although when she and him have been fighting and he wants to make up for it, she is usually in her little bed laying face down and crying or in her little hiding spot under a tree, which he happens to know about.

He goes to her and tries to talk and he sometimes has to bring her a sugar cube. promise her something, or just start tickling her to make her laugh.

"Hey, lil pig."

"Yeah?" She'd say still teary-eyed.

"I'm sorry about yelling, I didn't mean to get you scared . . . I brought you something, here. I know you like em'"

She'd look at him now, trying to wipe her tears away before accepting the sugar cube. She'd hold the cube up her mouth but look at him to make sure he wasn't mad, even after she was reassured she seemed worried to which he comforted her by pulling her in a hug.

Which he doesn't do very often.

"Daddy, please don't be mad. I'm sorry."

"You're a really sensitive one like your momma aren't yeah? . . . Ih what the hell."

Something he really loves is making his kid laugh, which he can do by tickling her or hitting Kou.

He also her makes her happy by braiding her hair, giving her piggyback rides, chasing her around in the garden.

as she got older she started to keep more things to herself.

she wouldn't tell her dad very much.

She was still shy, and wasn't the most talkative. She loved being outside though, and she got a lot tougher and strong.

Either way they don;t have the best relationship because she feels so different from her dad and while she wants him to understand her and be more sweet to her, he just can't help but be tough.

She feels that he can't understand her as a woman either so it just keeps getting harder, as he doesn't understand any trouble a girl might feel.

They sometimes talk about her mother and he's willing to tell her but he usually just tells her it's not too important.

That's why they sometimes get into fights because she feels like he doesn't understand her. But the way they make up is usually through him coming into her room with like a sugar cube or favorite food.

"Hey, pumpkin. I brought you this."

"Just leave it there."

"Gosh, this teenager attitude. I'm trying to apologize and you won't even let me."

"I wish Mom was here." She'd mumble but it was enough for him to hear and feel hurt knowing you'd prefer someone else over him.

"God, with the sensitivity."

"What is so wrong about having emotions? I don't understand how she ever got through it with you considering how brash you are!"

"Hey!--Look I'm trying to say I'm sorry but if you don't want to that's fine." He'd argue before leaving her be.

Later she feels bad for hurting his feelings and goes in the garden to back hug him.

Even though she's older now she still is his little girl and this always gets him ease up.

"I'm sorry about making things hard on you, I know you miss mom too."

Kou

Calls her his little angel

legit she is spoiled, so spoiled he sometimes wishes he didn't do that.

she is exactly like him, looks, personality.

She got it all.

He wasn't that great of a parent especially at first, I honestly think the only reason he got better was because this kid persisted on getting to know him and being close.

What also made him attached was her interest in becoming a singer/idol

She probably memorized one of his songs and he was just too touched.

And her get-up was enough for him.

So he's always singing with her to practice.

He teaches her how to dance, applies her makeup, does her hair, etc.

Kou really loves that she is bold and expresses herself.

She is probably best friends with Yuma's daughter who is much more shy.

But she is her best friend regardless.

Anyways, he probably has a secret handshake with his daughter.

And he teaches her about being a Diva, and being popular.

It's honestly so funny, she performs something every week in the living room and has her singing session.

And he just cheers her on.

Other times she just loves dressing up and he takes so many photos.

He tells her that she's the cutest and sometimes embarrasses her.

"Dad." She'd whine, not liking his jokes.

She doesn't like it when he takes her food.

"Stealing is bad, daddy."

He usually is just listening to her telling him about her day. Especially when he comes back from work.

She always tries to wait for him but she sometimes falls asleep on the couch.

But as she got older she got better about it and could wait for him.

They are pretty close even as she got older.

But his girl is sassy.

Azusa

He'd have a boy.

Azusa teaches him everything and he is just the nicest kid.

His child is so thoughtful of others.

He is very quiet though, but he is sweet.

He brings flowers to people.

And he loves animals.

Azusa had a hard time parenting at first but with the help of his brothers, he got a lot better at it.

Even though he did miss the mother of his child and could really use her help he managed to pull through.

He does his best to keep his son happy.

usually, he surprises him with gifts or by taking him outside to play or something.

He and his son are one in the same, they are both very gentle.

He pats his head when he does a good job.

the child is very sweet but not exactly tough tho.

I do not think he is super close with his son, but at least their isn't a lot of conflict.

Azusa is opening to explaining why he is a single parent tho.

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˗ˏˋ 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑚𝑦 𝑤𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑙 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝐼 𝑑𝑜 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑜𝑤𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑠 ˎˊ˗ ©𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟔~Present

[tarnishedxknight]

[ Wounds That Refuse To Heal ]

Mantis listened as Ashelia explained how war took her brothers, who had been twins. The Princess understood how important the bond between twins could be, but she couldn’t force forgiveness, and Mantis didn’t think Basch would judge Ashelia for not forgiving his brother. Mantis did briefly place her hand on Ashelia’s shoulder, though, to let her know her words were acknowledged.

As Basch told Ashelia a little more about Noah’s behavior and provided context for his anger, Mantis realized how much he truly cared about his brother. He didn’t know about the story of Noah’s ‘friend’, but Mantis knew if Basch learned about it, he would realize it was about Noah himself. In any case, her lips were sealed. Noah’s pain was his. Sometimes bad things happened: natural disasters, illnesses, accidents. And people talked about those things, because no one was guilty, or at least not completely. What Noah went through didn’t just happen; it had been a choice. A choice he didn’t have. And she couldn’t make the choice for him by telling Basch.

She wanted to reassure Basch that everyone deserved comfort every once in a while, even if it was for entirely selfless reasons. Mantis always took care of herself, because she was the source of the love she tried to give others. She didn’t want to make her friends feel worried by not giving herself comfort or care, and she believed compassion was about showing kindness to others and to oneself. However, she was very respectful of anything Basch said, so she let it be.

“Yes, that is correct.” Mantis nodded when Basch guessed why four-leaf clovers were able to understand loneliness. She felt like they understood her, not only because she was the only child of Ego whose life he spared back on his planet, but also because she had never seen another one of her kind before. But four-leaf clovers didn’t represent the pain of loneliness. They represented luck and faith. The hope Mantis always tried to offer. “Oh, very much so,” she added when Ashelia asked if plants could feel lonely. “They also do so if they are potted, because their purpose is to put down roots. They may not experience emotions the way we do, but they are still sentient.”

__________

Ashelia didn’t understand how brothers, and twins, and identical twins at that, could be so very different. Perhaps to others they looked identical, but to Ashe, they may as well have looked as different as the Viera and Moogles. Basch was nothing like Gabranth, and for that she was eternally thankful. She didn’t think she would ever forgive him for what he’d done to her father, but because she cared for Basch, she knew she should try her best to at least tolerate his brother. Having lost all of her brothers and her mother, to then lose her father as well to such a cruel act... it was almost too much for her. She smiled when Mantis placed her hand on her shoulder. Perhaps time would grant her the wisdom I need to forgive... someday.

Basch did care about Noah. In fact, there were few people in the world he cared about more. He had always loved his twin, from the time they were boys. His decision at sixteen to part from him was as unbelievable and foreign to him now as it possibly could be. He simply didn’t understand that mindset anymore, nor did he even know the boy he used to be. If he’d had it all to do again, he never would have left Noah’s side all those years ago, but there was precious little his remorse could do now, especially when Noah was so unreceptive to his sincere attempts at making amends. All Basch could do was give his brother time and space, and hope that one day he would be willing to start over again. Never would he give up on him, though. 

Ashelia’s eyes widened with wonder as Mantis explained about plants “feeling” certain things, depending upon how they were treated. “I had no idea,” she said. “I suppose I shan’t keep any plants in pots in my room, then, if it would be inconsiderate to do so.”

“It seems plants are much like people. Neither take well to being confined,” Basch said.

“Mm,” Ashe hummed thoughtfully. “No wonder you are able to maintain such a positive outlook on life and regarding those around you, Mantis. Were I able to encourage beautiful flowers to grow anywhere I wished, and if I had the ability to understand others so well, I might view life and the world through different eyes.”

“You’ve plenty of time to gain that sight, Princess,” Basch said warmly.

“And I fear you’ve placed a bit more faith in me than is due,” Ashe said with a little smile.

“I respectfully disagree, Highness,” he said.

A bit of color came to Ashe’s cheeks before she turned to Mantis. “How long are you to stay here? I do believe you are very good for all the tensions that linger between us all here. You seem to have a way of diffusing them so well. That and I shall miss you terribly when you have to leave. ”

[goblincave666]

3rd post in the span of probably 30 minutes but i cannot stress how narratively good it wouldve been to have a puppy pack spinoff with liam as the protagonist.

the show constantly grapples with the question of “what the fuck are we gonna do when scott leaves” and then never answers it.

liam seems to struggle with self confidence issues. i mean the i can be the alpha scene is funny but it definitely illustrates it. the kid depends on scott a lot & relied on him throughout the entire show, so the fact that he was thrown into the idea that he had to be the alpha after scott’s departure would add a lot of pressure for him. like a fuckton. liam would have to learn how to lead a pack of hormonal teenagers, and although scott was good at it, liam might struggle a LOT with that.

speaking of which: the group of hormonal teenagers doesn’t actually get along that well!!

mason visibly dislikes theo and i can’t imagine corey would be totally okay with the guy as he was treated pretty rough by him, if hayden came back (which i really wish she did because the show did her dirty development wise) then there’d also sorta be awkward breakup tension and she’d also hate theo and stuff. corey also doesn’t interact much with anyone besides mason & seems to only get along with liam for mason’s sake, so there’s also that. it would just be a whole disaster.

also more mason development. please for the love of god. he definitely had/still has nightmares and guilt about the beast situation & the conflict between him (the success, everything theo wanted to be,) and theo (the guy who basically tore mason’s pack apart). would be so fucking good you have no idea. he also seems to use figuring shit out as kind of compensation for everything horribly fucked up that happens to him and his friends. i want him to have like the empathetic character arc where he learns to take care of himself for 5 seconds instead of anybody else bc mason deserves that

also we need to find out what else corey is. like what is he. ghost rider??? ghost by itself??? fae??????something???? one of the great mysteries of the universe

& also thiam stuff obviously and theo learning how to be a person again and all that. there could be so much conflict around it it’d be so good. plus like i said in an earlier post: theo catching up on all the childhood/pop culture stuff he missed when he was doing devious diabolical things.

like imagine theo being slowly forgiven but still not being able to forgive himself. pain.

OR imagine liam finding out more about theo’s fucked up past, therefore knowing more details about why theo did everything he did, and then having to explain why theo should be forgiven without giving those details to everyone else, so it’d be really conflicting & you’d understand where everyone else was coming from by not forgiving theo but really wish they knew the whole story!!!

also also theo & corey work at deaton’s. this is canon. they end up getting past shit bc theo needs money and corey quit one of his because it was too stressful.

i honestly also think we shouldve had a puppy pack spinoff instead of 6b because i dont like the way 6b ended things & also it was bad (besides the thiam scenes) but thats a post for another day. so in this case hayden would still be there & brett would still be alive!! the good ending. i may make a part 2 of why i think 6b doesnt work great narratively (or alternatively, narratively worse than the others since none of em really work narratively)

basically tldr jeff davis struck gold & then decided he would grab a couple rocks and leave the mine for the day

[ravysu]

Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.

[jackassbroadcast]

Hello im a Tommy enthusiast who watched that one stream where he monologued to foolish for like hafe an hour bc i heard it was a cool stream or wtv to realize how much amazing character moments it had that barly anyone in this damn fandom is talking about so ill fucking do it

(Only after finishing this i realized i wrote 1.7k words LOL OOPS)

If u dont know what in talking about its this stream (apologies for linking a clips channel the actual vod on foolish's channel is deleted by now)

Also heads up /rp /dsmp every time i refer to someone here by name is their character unless stated otherwise bc writing c! Before every name Is tiring LOL

Also // suicidal idealization , death mentions

The conversation starts off with foolish and tommy mining for Wilbur, and foolish questions how simply mining will solve the problem to which Tommy reponds with "they dont get solved, do they? It just ends uo with some madman screaming 'Hes solved it!' And now look at him." And how he wants to "prevent the problem before it goes outta hand" something that clearly references Wilbur and his destruction of lmanburg, which paired with him collecting stone for Wilbur as the way to stop said problems he believes if he does anything he can for Wilbur and support him by his side enough this time around, that he wont do anything like thay again, which as im writing this makes be realize by doing that we learn hes blaming himself for what happened to Wilbur in November 16th and pogtopia and a whole, by not being enough for Wilbur in his mind.

The conversation continues, foolish off hand asks why would tommy want to stop Wilbur? Weren't they friends at some point? To which tommy leads foolish to lmanburg and tells him the story of the nation (how it was him and Wilbur's nation, how they made it to espace dream's iron fist and how they held an election "which puts your life on the line, which is good- if you're confident but- perhaps we were too confident", how they lost)

Tommy: "You know the phrase: 'treat other how you wanna be treated', foolish? People dont ever listen to it. Wilbur- he decided he wanted to be treated poorly so he treated everyone around him poorly "

This Tommy quote, to me at least, so so amazingly strong in conveying how understanding he is? To the world around him. Like-

I have not seen one person bring this quote up, and yet its (at least to me) shows such growth and understanding in Tommy i saw little to nothing like it in other streams. It shows he understands, he knew Wilbur didnt change just because, he knows he was struggling, that he thought everyone around him were againt him, were going to abandon him the first chance theyll get- and he thought he deserved it. So he, as a last way to defend himself against that, hurt them first, abandoned them first, so theyll see how much of a 'bad' person he was and take him out- and tommy saw right through that, possibly understanding it more after exile.

This next qoute was talked about much more but i still wanna bring it up

Foolish: "Do you believe in second chances?"

Tommy: "Oh, no I don't really believe that its not really a thing for me foolish its just that-" *sigh* "- i believe everyone has a little bit of good in then and this is not about giving him a second chance or a third chance- its not about *chances* foolish. Its about not giving up on the poeple you care about. "

Which. I mean. I dont know how healthy that mindset is, but comign from Tommy it makes so much sense.

Techno, tubbo, eret, sapnap. These are all people Tommy used to be extremely close to, had either a war or had been betrayed by them, and yet still found it in his heart that he still cares for them, with all of these, they did horrendous things, that hurt tommy physically and mentally, while also not being once or twice, but a contentious thing, but while tommy is to this day still effected by their actions he still found it in himself to forgive, because he knows he fucked up too, a lot, and he knoes they learned from their mistakes just as he had (except c!techno FUCKKK c!techno mf doesnt learn SHITTT) and he knows, when the time comes he knows hed want the people he hurt to forgive him too. (And he wants Wilbur to do the same)

Next qoute i will cut to a couple parts because its really so good and full of character i had to bro

Foolish: "Do you consider yourself to be the good guy or the bad guy?"

Tommy: "It really depends who you ask, isn't it? Yknow? If you asked dream he'd say im *his little toy that he plays with* you know? It doesnt.."

This part really stunned me when i first heard it because, and correct me If im wrong, but i dont think tommy ever acknowledged how dream sees him, and  how right he has his viewpoint too. Just the fact tommy is so *painfully* aware of how dream doesnt even see him as a person anymore but just a toy to mess around with for a while than just throw it away when it get too boring really hurt me. Someone give this kid a hug

(Continued) Tommy: "...foolish, honestly? I used to consider myself 'the good guy', you know? The fuckin'- second in command! But these past- these past like six months or so, foolish, everything got so much harder than it was before. Because before it was just us vs bad guys, it was all so clear! But- its not been 'clear' for so long, right? It wasn't; 'these are the bad guys! These are the good guys!' Now it's : 'he's doing this and it makes him a bit worse-' i mean, it all got so complicated, so- i don't know. Depends who you ask."

He says this, in response to foolish asking if hes a good guy- but its awfully similar to if Wilbur asked him if they were the bad guys. Because foolish just asked about him, and yet in his answer tommy made sure to keep using the words "us, he's, guys" as if hes not really talking about himself, as if hes explaining how Wilbur was wrong. Which he was. Also something interesting ive noticed, he says "the last 6 months or so", which indicated that with Wilbur he knew better to follow his word and leadership- with Wilbur he was always on the right side but when he lost him he felt much more lost alone, and couldn't trust himself enough to be on the "right side" .

Foolish: "I dont know, it all seems strange because just from, you know- hearing from others and, you know, learing a little bit, its seems like you've been the hero, you've been the villain, the conqueror, the savior, and, even now, i have no idea what you exactly are."

Tommy: "that's up to you to decide, isn't it? Im just- *uh*  i dont know. These days, foolish, I'm a little weaker than i used to be"

Foolish couldn't be more right with what he said, another example of this we see where a character acknowledges tommy never sticks to one thing us Charlie when calling him "tommy fron nowhere" which shows more how he cant stick to one thing, during the course of him on the server he had been friends and enemy with nearly everyone, been on pretty much all sides, and while never really intentionally, being in the center of conflict. When foolish says he doesnt know who tommy is anymroe at this point and all Tommy says in return is that "hes a little weaker than he used to be" does to show he misses who he used to be, with lmanburg, with Wilbur, when he knew who he was, now he doesn't know who he is anymore, but still so desperately want to be more demonstrated by the lines coming rigth after that one:

(Continued) Tommy: "..I'm not- I'm now who i want to be, but-"

Foolish: "Being honest with you, Tommy, that's the same case for me as well."

Tommy: "...heres the thing, foolish, unlike you i dont really have a choice. I have to try and be who i want to be, because if i dont, very bad things are gonna happen in this server. And now that Wilbur's back i can't- quite frankly *no one* can risk that. So i dont really have a choice."

Tommy want's to change- he wants to be better than he is now, to be closer to who he used to be, no matter how impossible that might be, but he also sees it as an immediate thing, he wants to change now, or asap, which is why hes collecting stone for Wilbur in the first place- old him would've done that with ease just because Wilbur asked and he wants to have that back so badly, asap. The way he talked about this reminded me of when he tried getting over his trauma stream before he went in the prison to kill dream: he knew he wasnt the best but he tried getting over that asap to go kill dream asap. He didnt wanna take the long road of years of healing and instead thought he could get over it just like that, and that experience clearly didnt teach him anything because now hes trying to slide back to the relationship he and Wilbur used to have and ignoring the drastic changes they both had plus the bad moments that were the reason they feel out in the first place, or maybe he knows, but at this point, after everything that happened to him and the server, he doesnt care anymore? He knows hes not the same he was and he'll never be the same, because thats not how it works, but his mentor, president, big brother is back after so long tommy felt so lost and alone he thinks maybe, this time around, with Wilbur, he could try and be better again.

[shoichee]

I JUST FOUND UR BLOG AND WHEWWW UR AKASHI HC'S ARE SO CUTE AND WELL DETAILED!!! i literally love the complexity of his character and he's just a perfect human being omg and u write him so well!

ok so if it's not much of a hassle i was wondering if i could request a F!reader and she's shorter than akashi (we're talking like 4"10-5"0 or so?) and i think it's be cute to imagine how he'd tease her and such :) thank u!

EEEEE THANK YOU ANON, IM SO HONORED TO HEAR YOUR WORDS <33 detailed hcs coming RIGHT UP -- short and sweet, and I hope you enjoy this!

f!reader x Akashi

as the shortest player in the Generation of Miracles, or even basketball in general, he definitely understands the struggle of being underestimated at first glance… well, until they suffered an ankle breaker on the courts

that being said, he’s slightly more protective over you (or at the very least, keeps an eye on you) because he knows how some people can be nasty or judgmental, or maybe they’d take their comments too far about your height

why do I feel like he has the subtle vibe of “only I can tease you and no one else can?” it’s VERY subtle though, he’s exceptional at keeping that sentiment to himself

how much he teases you depends on how well and how much you can take teasing… are you sensitive? equally teasing? pouty mad? he observes to see where his boundaries with you are at // however, it’s important to note that his teasing is either mixed with such gentleness, amusement, and/or genuine concern

if you’re sensitive and soft: expect lots of fond teasing and gentle muses… like every time he’d kiss your forehead, temple, nose, cheek, WHEREVER he chooses to peck, he’ll slightly exaggerate his movement of bending down by the knees or dip his head to your level while giving that… all-knowing glint in his eyes and a slight curve of his lip

if you’re more of someone who’d roast Akashi equally hard or also like to participate in banter, he’d say things like:

“Hmmm? Did you say something, dear?”

“I got something for you, my love, since I noticed you haven’t eaten breakfast yet… I do worry for your health.” but he gives you a carton of milk? you’re not sure if this was intentional or not?????? but if you ask him, he’d probably go, “Is milk not the best thing to digest in the morning? I heard from the maids that it’s paired very nicely with cereal and oatmeal…” LITTLE SHIT LMAO

his overall comments and teasing regardless of your personality might be things like these:

“Are you having trouble with that, my love?”

“Careful. Don’t stretch yourself too much… allow me, darling.” and he would make a little show of getting something out of a high shelf for you

“Hm? Yes? You’ve left yourself quite vulnerable…” as he tries something funny behind you or trying to slink up to where you were at… “My love, I do worry about how anyone can easily overpower you so. After all…” he’d either whisper in your ear or peck the ear’s helix… “look how little you are in my arms. Though you belong only here by my side. Please don’t hesitate to call my name if anyone dares to treat you with anything less than the respect you deserve.”

HE’D DRAPE YOU IN HIS RAKUZAN JERSEY JACKET, NO ONE CAN DISAGREE it’s just… he finds it heart-melting that you’re drowned in the fabric and he just sees it as another part of himself hugging you when he isn’t around to hug you himself, if that makes sense

that jacket ironically repels any chance of you being picked on in school, because seeing that #4 on the jacket sends them running for the hills

lots of headpats, but they can be either fond and/or teasing depending on how you respond… bonus: they’re often paired with his comments

ALWAYS approaches you from behind to just RELISH IN THE FACT THAT YOU FIT IN HIS ARMS PERFECTLY, AND THAT LITTLE SURPRISE YOU DO EVERY TIME HE COMES UP TO YOU S E N D S him to HEAVEN

private moments with him entail him insisting you to be the little spoon, and it makes him feel like he’s protecting you please—

I’M CALLING IT RIGHT NOW, when you want to give him any kisses back, especially after he just kissed you, he’d stand a little taller and turn away his head at just the right moments while staring at your face out of his peripheral vision… before he’d say either:

*SAY NOTHING, JUST HIM DOING THAT LITTLE CHUCKLE*

“Oh? You wanted to reciprocate my affection? I’m truly touched…”

“Sorry, sorry. Of course I was teasing… you’re so adorable that I just couldn’t help myself.”

*ALL OF THE ABOVE… IN THAT ORDER.*

in public, there wouldn’t be as much teasing (surprisingly) as he would do behind closed doors or in the vicinity of trusted close friends

so in the eyes of the public, he’d only give a subtle huff of amusement or a grin when he sees you having trouble with something because of your height… or he’d say something about whether or not you can “see” or need any “help” LOL

honestly, if you roast him back about his height, you just declared war on the Rakuzan captain… HE ISN’T STOPPING HIS TEASING UNTIL YOU GIVE IN AND CONCEDE; HE SEES THIS AS A CHALLENGE AND WOULD APPROACH IT LIKE HE WOULD WITH SHOGI

You’re FLUSTERED about how he teases you? prepare yourself for EXTRA entendre comments about that too, merciless Akashi mode (especially if you try equally hard to make him “embarrassed”)

stop, he’d LITERALLY have a heart attack seeing you try to view his games from the front row but you can’t because of all the TALL reporters and cameras blocking the way and you’re just stretching your neck and trying to jump but without bothering the people behind you omg—

“How was the game, (y/n)?”

“Uhhhhhh… well.”

“I’m certain the flying cables were more entertaining to watch than the game, yes?”

“SEI—”

and he’d interrupt you with his usual chaste peck and say: “Forgive me. I didn’t realize that the courts would be that crowded. I’ll be sure to save you the best spots for future games. Just keep your eyes on me, my empress.”

[thebigqueer]

After hearing about how Nico was treated on the Argo II, I wonder how Will feels about/ interacts with the seven. I like to imagine them all being friends bc it's more fun, but I also don't think William "nobody hits my boyfriend" Solace would take kindly to people who treated Nico like dogshit

Okay, THIS.

I think the way that Will feels about the seven is kind of dependent on how Nico feels about them.

I mean, I think Will and Annabeth were pretty good friends for a while, but when he realizes how even she was pretty rude to Nico, he feels a little indifferent to her. Still sees her as a friend, but hates how she kind of gave two faces to two different people.

But I think to really get down to how Will feels about them, it’s important to analyze how Nico probably thought about them after the quest was done and over with.

I have no doubt that he felt really upset by the way he was treated and felt like an outcast. And for a while after the summer he returns to camp, he’s probably still angry about it, too. And he has absolutely every right to be.

But I think as time progresses for the next few months following the battle at Camp Half Blood in BoO, Nico’s main goal is to focus on himself and to just breathe and let go. He’s held things in for too long. It’s time to release and grow.

He’s still upset about it. But he learns to let go. Not necessarily forgive, but just relieve it from his conscience. It helps him a lot in the long-run, because now he’s just taking more time to understand himself, what he likes, what he wants to do. Just learn about him.

As for Will... at first, when everyone returns to camp, Will is totally in awe of everyone. Like, these are the kinds of heroes you’ll hear about for centuries. Who wouldn’t be excited to be in their presence?

When Will learns about the way they treated Nico later, though, as Nico and Will get closer, of course he’s angry. What right did they have to judge Nico that way just because he was “SOOOO SCARY”? And he knows how even the entire camp was kinda bad to Nico too for most of the time. So, yes, he’s angry. Nico doesn’t deserve any of that - no one does.

But Nico talks him through it, let’s him know that he’s trying to move on. “I’m only telling you this because I think it helps me to admit it to someone else,” he says. “So, please, I know you’re angry, but don’t lash out on them. I’m telling you because I trust you. And they’re growing, too. Sometimes being a demigod can be hard.”

So generally Will has like a grudging acceptance to the Argo II group. If Nico is letting go, then there’s not much point for Will to latch onto an issue of the past. He’s angry, but he tampers down that anger for Nico because he knows his boyfriend wouldn’t want him to be upset on Nico’s behalf while he’s just trying to stop thinking about it. This is Nico’s feelings and Nico’s fight; Will doesn’t need to talk for Nico at all. He’s just glad Nico trusts him with this.

The people that he’s outright nice to are probably just Hazel, Jason, and Reyna (even though she’s not technically part of the Seven, but she was fairly important), because Nico definitely explains that they’re some of the first people to totally accept him.

He’s nice to them for the most part, but everytime he has a conversation with one of them, he makes it known that he’s on Nico’s side.

I think Nico actually talks to some of the Argo II members after a few months and discusses things with them and how he felt, and they apologize and Nico learns to forgive. When they do that, only then does Will relent a little. Even then, he’s still a bit guarded, but he forgives if Nico wishes to forgive as well.

Thank you for the ask!! That was so interesting to think about!

[dottiechan]

ICEBREAKER Pt. 2 & 3

Read on AO3 (link in bio)

Part 1 | Part 2&3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7

Pairing: Crosshair x Reader x Hunter

Wordcount: 2060 (Pt. 2); 2050 (Pt. 3)

Summary:

Pt. 2:  Three are awake on the Marauder. Two are holding onto one another. One is barely holding on. (Hunter-centric chapter)

Pt. 3:  You can only keep saying no to your old addictions for so long before they return with full force. (Crosshair-centric chapter)

Warnings: cursing, smoking & implied nicotine addiction

Part 2

The stars streak and melt against the abyss of space, unsteady and bleeding. You miss the stationary points of light, precise and dependable and easy. Stars make constellations that guide you, that show you the way even when you're lost. Hyperspace just confuses you, chills you to the very bones, makes you feel more lost than you already do. Which, to be fair, is not too difficult right now.

Having left the ice planet behind after the successful elimination of a remote Separatist research centre, you're en route to Kamino once more. What's more, you have the cockpit all to yourself, and you sit with your knees up, head rested back, throat exposed, undone by the comfort of solitude as you allow yourself to lower your guard. It'd be peaceful on any other day.

But your mind is plagued by Tech's revelation.

Your rational side knows he must have made a mistake. After all, what's the chance of either of them liking you? And why would they? You're fighting together, and you're bleeding, and sweating, and trying, and maybe even dying together. But that's nothing more than what's expected of you, of each soldier of the GAR, clone or otherwise. You're coexisting now, but you could be reassigned at any moment really. You try to convince yourself that you wouldn't feel the change, that working with a squad other than the Bad Batch wouldn't chafe you terribly, but you see through your own lies.

Of course you'd hate it.

Where would you be without Tech's advice and sage-like aura? Without Wrecker's enthusiastic support? Without Crosshair correcting your stance when you shoot, without him always watching your six? Without Hunter's hand on your shoulder, saving you from dangerous situations, but also, and maybe most importantly, even from yourself?

It would be easy to answer those questions. But you don't have the power to do so now.

So you sit back, wishing for simpler times, times when your greatest worry was Bracca and thinking they hated you. You'd rather they hate you than... than what Tech said. Somehow the idea of either of them liking you in an unprofessional way, even remotely, sends your head spinning. It makes your throat constrict, it makes you feel unworthy and angry and confused beyond belief. The idea of both of them liking you at the same time - as outlandish as it sounds - just makes you absolutely lose your mind.

So you try not to think about them, you try not to think about Hunter's softness, and Crosshair's piercing gaze, and what it would be like to let them close to you. They already feel closer than what you're comfortable with. Maybe they are already closer than you know.

But they can't get any closer. You can't let them, and you promise yourself to shut them the fuck out. No, you don't deserve this, you don't deserve them fucking up whatever respect you've built up with the squad. And you don't have the right to mess up their friendship either. They belong with each other, all of them, and no matter how much you like calling them your boys inwardly, they'll never be yours. They'll always be a family, with or without you. And just who are you to tear it apart?

You try so hard to fit in, but it all seems too much, as if the four walls around you were pressing closer and closer until you suffocated, and you breathe in shakily, afraid of your doubts manifesting into anxiety.

But the slight tremor in your fingers is a telltale sign you can’t ignore. You are good at repressing emotions in the heat of battle, but you weren’t engineered to feel no stress. Nature formed you to thrive on it.

...

He's been awake ever since you refused to turn in and insisted on staying in the cockpit. Hyperspace en route to Kamino is the safest possible space travel for the squad, but he doesn't argue with you. At some point, Crosshair is up - he knows it's him from the very specific way his feet touch the ground. He skulks about the ship for a while before returning to bed. And then it's just you.

He's trying his very best to ignore you, he presses his pillow over his head and bites down on his lower lip so hard it almost draws blood. He hates the power you have over him, he hates how he can't have anything to himself anymore that isn't tainted by thoughts of you. And apparently, he can't even fucking sleep without knowing you're okay, calm, quiet, dozing off, hopefully dreaming about him.

But your next breath, it really sounds disturbed, almost gasping, and his heart clenches in his chest. He'd protect you from your very own thoughts too if he only knew how, but he grows shy whenever he sees an opportunity to really be there for you. All he ever wanted was to make you happy, and he doesn't know how it ended up like this, how his own happiness ended up being intertwined with yours so irreversibly. His own breathing grows a little more restless, chest rising and falling with your anxiety, throat tightening with your worry, mouth running dry with your confusion. And he'd take it all from you if he could, he'd drain you of all of your worries and pains if he knew you'd feel better.

He says he hates the power you have over him, but what he really hates is his inability to fight it.

He slips out of his bed, carefully and quietly to not wake the others, for once in his life grateful for Wrecker's loud snoring as it covers the sound of his footsteps on the metal flooring.

Before opening the door leading to the cockpit, he looks down at himself in his blacks, bandana abandoned with his gear back at the crew's quarters. He runs his fingers through his long curls in vain, fighting the urge to turn back and make himself more presentable, someone you could like. He's not doing this for himself, he scolds himself, but his insecurities keep buzzing in the back of his mind as he presses the button on the control panel and enters.

You've been crying.

The red rims around your eyes shatter his heart into a million pieces almost instantly, and he struggles to say anything for a second as you stare back at him wide eyed, startled. You're beautiful and sad and Hunter just wants to undo your pain any way he can. He'd be your collateral damage if you'd only let him.

"You should be resting," you say suddenly, the heels of your palms flying up to your tear streaked cheeks in a futile attempt to hide the fact that you've been crying. He wishes you wouldn't, he wishes you were comfortable with just being unapologetically yourself around him, sharing whatever sorrows and joys you had in your heart with him.

"I couldn't... You..."

"I'm fine." The little lie is so soft, almost like a caress against his cheek, a plea to let you wallow in your own misery. He'd never forgive himself for walking away now, and he can't understand why you want him to treat you so shitty.

"As your superior, I have a duty to make sure you're alright." He wants to wince when his words escape his mouth - he sounds so strict and stuck up and distant, and he wants to take it all back when a sour smile appears on your lips for a split second.

"I'm not crying as a soldier."

Hunter wills himself to sit, and forces himself to keep holding your gaze even though he wants to retreat. He's afraid, he's never been so close to breaking around you, but that damned shine in your bloodshot eyes doesn't let him back down. He knows he's already started down his road. Maybe it was time to commit to it.

"Well, I'm not asking as your sergeant then. I'm asking as your-"

"Friend?"

"I'm whatever you need me to be."

"I can't talk about it," you say after a short pause, looking away, leaving Hunter wonder whether that flush on your cheeks is because of him or not. He's disappointed you don't trust him, but he can't really be mad at you. He probably wouldn't trust himself in your place. And yet he can't stop yearning and wanting and tripping over his damn feet to make you feel better.

"That's okay. I'm still here, if you need me."

But maybe you don't need him, he thinks, his heart sinking, as he watches the colours of hyperspace reflect in your silent eyes. He stands, a hand stretching out towards you. He grabs the leather of your seat, digits sinking into it with helplessness before letting go completely, of the headrest, of your sadness, of you, and allows his own hell to swallow him up completely. He'll go back to his cot, and Wrecker snoring, and Tech mumbling in his sleep, and he'll listen to your misery in silence, suffering along mutely with every hitched, disturbed breath of yours. If that's how you want it to be, then he doesn't have the strength to change your mind.

You grab him in the corridor, catching him off-guard. He's always been off-centre around you, but so far it was only your retreats that unbalanced him. Your proximity is another intoxicating distraction, and for a moment, he feels like he can't move, he can't swallow, he can't reach out to touch you.

But you're hugging him, and how could he not return it?

Change comes slowly for him. First, it's his fingers that find your hair, and they tangle themselves in it at the nape of your neck tentatively. Your face is turned away from him, but your cheek is pressed firmly against his shoulder, and your arms have him locked in a tight hug, your ice cold fingertips seeping in his own heat. Hunter can't think straight, but he knows he's your lifeline now, and he slowly warms up, and tightens his embrace around you, and eventually holds you as if the world was ending, and you seem to need it. If only he could make your problems disappear simply by squeezing you against himself tightly enough.

It's unprofessional, so unprofessional, and yet nothing felt more natural to him than you in his arms, his nerve endings singing with the joy of your proximity. Now that he knows how sweet having you this close can truly be, he doesn't know how he's ever going to go entire days without your embrace. As if he needed anything else to prevent him from sleeping peacefully. He doesn't think he's slept well ever since you joined his team, and he doesn't seem to find it in his heart to regret it. It's bad, and destructive, and unhealthy, but it's also out of control, and Hunter promises himself not to stand in its way anymore.

No more swimming against the tide.

He just wishes, so desperately wishes he didn't have to hurt Crosshair in the process.

...

Fucking hell, he knew it'd hurt, he knew it'd come, inevitable and destructive like a tsunami, but he never actually believed it would be this bad, this paralysing. He hates it, he just wants it all to stop, he just wants to get out. But loving you doesn't seem to have an exit, and just like with breathing, the only way he'll stop doing it is when he dies.

But what's even worse than all the repressed anger and helplessness and loneliness is the hope, small and fragile but blinking steadfastly amidst the darkness of his feelings. The hope that - despite you being in Hunter's arms right now - somehow you'll still end up falling in love with him. It's false hope, Crosshair knows, but he just can't help holding onto it like a fucking lifeline.

He leans his head against the doorframe for a second, dizzy and momentarily overcome with sickness. Then he turns and lays down, curling up alone. Crosshair can't watch another second of this, of Hunter acting out all his forbidden fantasies until there's nothing left for him anymore.

He squeezes his eyes shut, but all he sees is Hunter's fingers tangled in your hair.

Part 3

You glance sideways, head propped up on your hands. He's surveying the street once more through the scope of his rifle. You consider yourself a rational person, someone who's not gross and would never violate any lines of decency, but there's something so unbelievably attractive about Crosshair as he aims his sniper rifle that you have a hard time restraining yourself from staring too much. Well, maybe you're willing to cross a few lines for him, but what the hell.

This stakeout is lengthy and has you stretched a little too thin anyways. Might as well pass the time with something.

Crosshair seems bored as well, more restless than usual. He lowers his gun and slings it over his shoulder, and you observe his lazy but meticulous movements, hoping to catch his attention before the silence drives you absolutely crazy. He comes to sit beside you on the rooftop as you watch the busy streets below you. You both know the rhythm of this place by heart now. First, there's a great bustling crowd in the late afternoon, mostly the poor workers of the adjacent factory fighting their way over to the beaten up shuttlebus station, and the merchants packing up shop and going home, leaving their stalls behind for the night. Then there are a few odd stragglers later, mostly seeking out the cheap watering hole on the other end of the street. And then around midnight, your separatist spy would finally show up to drop off his intel in the form of old, harmless looking datacards in a seemingly abandoned alley that ends in a cul-de-sac.

And then of course you'd alert the squad before the intel was retrieved, and Tech would make copies and start tracing the spy's sources, while Hunter would inform Commander Cody about the developments. Because there's a war on the other side of the planet that your information can help win, and while things look sad and boring here, at least this dusty city hasn't been bombed into oblivion yet.

"I can't wait to finally get the jump on this guy."

"Tech says we ought to wait a few more days," you remind Crosshair as you stretch your feet out in front of you.

"We're wasting our time here. There's a battle to be won on this very planet. So why are we stuck with this boring job?"

"Don't you like spending time with me?" you tease him, but you're scared of his answer, so you don't give him enough time to respond. "This is important. We're saving lives, Cross."

He bristles at the nickname, but nods reluctantly in the end. You hope it's the job he can't stand, and not you, because deep down you like this, you like not being shot at, you like having the upper hand, you like spending time with Crosshair, away from Hunter's suffocating lingering heavy with expectations posed towards you. You're none the wiser since you had that conversation with Tech some time ago, but you're all the more confused, and you're trying even harder to get back to how things were before. So maybe taking a page from Crosshair’s book and outright ignoring Hunter wasn’t the smartest idea, but you don’t have a better one yet.

"And who's going to save us before we die of boredom?"

From somewhere he produces a cigarette, and he flicks his toothpick off the roof before placing it between his lips. You raise your eyebrows, and he catches your eyes and smirks. He knows you've been trying to beat your own addiction, he knows how Hunter fucking hates the smell of smoke lingering about you, and maybe at this point he's only doing this to spite him, but he lights it, takes a drag and offers it to you.

"I really shouldn't," you wince, your rekindled craving suddenly running rampant in your veins. "I've been off it for a few months now."

"I've only got the one. But suit yourself," he shrugs, and takes another drag, smoke curling past his parted lips so enticingly that you lean closer involuntarily.

"I can't let you ruin your lungs alone." You break, and extend your hand. He chuckles, his fingers brushing against yours as he passes you the lit cigarette. You inhale the smoke, and you remember why you used to be so hung up on this shit as the nicotine soaks in your blood. Then you look at Crosshair, sweet and angry and oh so bitter Crosshair, and you soak him in too, unsurprised when he triggers the same reaction in you as nicotine does.

You remember why you used to be so hung up on him and you swallow hard, because all you can think about is what Hunter would say if he knew.

...

"I think I'm getting some sleep."

"Knock yourself out."

"I don't get how you're not tired."

"I am." If only you knew just how tired he really is, with all the pretending he has to do, with all the looking away whenever Hunter is by your side, hands drawn to you as if you were magnetic. But you are magnetic, you fucking are, he knows, he has a hard enough time to tear his gaze away from you constantly. He dreads to even think of what it would be like to have to keep his hands away from you too. He'd probably go mad.

That's why he never touches you, he avoids you, he withdraws like the losing party he is.

"Well, spyboy has already made his appearance tonight. It wouldn't be characteristic of him to come back again," you shrug. “Maybe we could both turn in for the night.”

"You really don't understand the concept of a stakeout, do you?" A snort and an adjustment to his posture later he's back to being mean to you because he needs to reinforce those walls he's pulling up between you. He'll be as cold as ice and you will burn your fingers and pull back and never come close to him again. Or at least that's the plan, he can't account for all times he's slipped out, all the times you made him laugh, made his heart race, made him wish he was more bite than bark with you. "There's a reason why we need two people here, remember? Someone needs to watch the street while I'm resting. Otherwise it'd be pretty difficult for me to do my job properly."

You take the bait so easily, and the pout and the crossed arms almost makes him smile. "Oh, so that's all I am here? Your backup? Your sidekick? Number two?"

"Pretty much." It clearly hurts you, but you deserve it a little. After all, he's your number two as well.

"It's such a joy working together with you."

Satisfied, Crosshair turns back to the street, ignoring the ache in his heart. He goes against his own wishes, but he's always taken care of himself, and he knows what's best for him. And pining after you like a lovesick cadet is not it, he can do so much better than that. You'll go now, probably pick a spot on the roof that is far away from him, you'll curl up on your mat and fall asleep, angry with him for the rest of the night.

But damn you, you're probably right, and the spy's not coming back again.

When you sit next to him, he's blinking in confusion, blank, nothing witty coming to mind. You sigh, annoyed but already letting it all go. Your elbows are touching, and he's too afraid to move.

"Do you have another cigarette?"

"You think I was lying when I said I only had the one?"

"Yeah. I think you were planning on waiting for me to fall asleep and then smoke them all alone."

"Smart girl."

The praise awakens something feral and primal in you, but Crosshair is too busy fishing out his pack of smokes to see it. You're sitting under the stars soon, ducking behind the half wall to hide the burning tips of your cigarettes, arms pressed together as you lean into his side more. You flick the ash off absentmindedly, and he watches your fingers, knowing he couldn't possibly look into your eyes now without feeling things he shouldn't feel.

"I don't mind being your sidekick."

And there you go again, fucking up his plans once more as he has nothing smart to say. He just sits, and smokes, and ignores the drumming of his heart in his ears as he focuses on you being so close to him. Just one last slip-up, and he'll do better tomorrow, he'll chase you off, he'll make you fucking hate him. But tonight is his, selfish or not. Tonight he will steal from Hunter, and then he'll never insert himself into your life again.

By the time you've put yours out, he's already lighting a second cigarette, and you blink slowly, exhaustion creeping up on you. Crosshair is about to shove you, about to tell you to fuck off finally and get some sleep, but then you put your head on his shoulder and he shuts up.

He's too scared to move, to ruin this moment. Tomorrow, tomorrow he'll stay true to himself, but tonight, he'll stay true to you.

...

"They've missed their check-in."

"Actually, they haven't. Crosshair gave me a status update not long ago. Looks like it’s all quiet - we won’t be seeing more of our spy tonight.”

While Tech is busy tracing the origins of the spy’s latest intel, Hunter paces up and down the abandoned cellar they established as their momentary camp. This temporary imprisonment has them all restless and stupid and twitchy, and he blames his own jumpy nature on being so understimulated. Listening to nothing but Tech’s datapad and Wrecker’s whining all day in the dark and damp confinement of these four walls is enough to drive him positively mad.

It has nothing to do with not seeing you or hearing your voice for days on end, no. Nothing to do with not catching a whiff of your scent in the mouldy air underground. Nothing to do with knowing you’re up on a rooftop, exposed, with no other than Crosshair.

Hunter trusts him to keep you safe. But he’s being irrational and jealous even though it is totally unwarranted.

Because he loves you.

It was a hard labour, to give birth to that internal confession, but he’s never felt so relieved ever since he’s done it. He finally has a name to put to all the yearning and pain and hope he’s harboured for seemingly endless months. But you’re not ready, he knows that. And maybe he isn’t ready to say those words out aloud either, and yet he knows the day will come. Because in the corridor of the Marauder those few weeks ago, while the rest of the ship slumbered, the two of you shared a moment that meant something.

You’ve been careful not to repeat it again, and he’s respected your wish, but he sees the way you look at him. Sees the purposefulness in your avoidance of him. Hell, he can practically smell your confusion. So he backs up as much as he can to give you the much needed time and space to hopefully figure out how him wanting to be close to you makes you feel.

But he likes to keep an eye on you nonetheless, not necessarily just to keep you safe, but also for that. And allowing you to tag along with Crosshair on a stakeout doesn’t exactly help him do that.

So he paces, dragging along his love for you with every step, ignoring his festering jealousy. Crosshair doesn’t even seem to like you anymore, he’s been vocal about it lately too, so there’s nothing to worry about. Despite it being an irrational fear, he still dreads leaving you alone with him, but he won’t have it. He knows you and his brother better than this. He knows. It’s just his mind playing tricks on him.

And as Hunter paces, Tech occasionally glances up to check on his sergeant, his friend, heart heavy with worry not just for him, or you, or Crosshair, but for the future of the whole squad in general.

[thedevilsmemes]

      PINTEREST QUOTES I USE IN MY MUSINGS BOARDS                         ~ A SENTENCE MEME - PART 2

                         Change pronouns as / when needed to preferred pronoun.

“I do not do justice, I do damage. I do not do empathy, I do damage. I do not do forgiveness, I do damage. I do not do mercy, I do damage.”

“Like, you can boss me around in sexual situations but you better not try to tell me what to do in regular life.”

“I’m fine, I’ve had worse.”

“I’m meaner than my demons.”

“If I cannot bend Heaven, I will raise Hell.”

“Well, aren’t you a little ray of pitch black?”

“He was like a storm.”

“You want to play dirty? Fine, let’s play dirty!”

{ feels an emotion. } “Who the fuck authorised this?!”

“What the fuck? What the fuck is this? What the fuck?”

“Judge if you want. We are all going to die. I intend to deserve it.”

“Goddamn right you should be scared of me.”

“They wanted a monster; I decided to give them one.”

“Seduce and destroy.”

“What the fuck is intimacy? How does that work? Letting… people be close to you? What the fuck?”

“You couldn’t kill me if you tried for one hundred years.”

“I’ll do this my way.”

“I am severely emotionally unstable.”

“What, from the bottom of the heart, the fuck?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t take any orders. I barely take suggestions.”

“I send my best regards from Hell.”

“I like my coffee how I like myself: Dark, bitter and too hot for you.”

“Me and God, we don’t get along.”

“Be brave, Angel.”

“Self care is drinking three pots of coffee and getting into a knife fight with God.”

{ takes gulp of vodka straight from the bottle } “My day was fine.”

“Have I stabbed you? No. Then I am being nice.”

“Holy Shit! I’M the demon living in my house.”

“Sir, that’s my emotional support knife collection.”

“I want an ancient elaborate dagger with my name engraved into the blade as a gift. The only romantic gesture.”

“ ‘Are you a top or a bottom?’ I'm a threat!”

“Stop being so defensive! I’m just trying to hit you with weapons.”

“The more knives you have the more valid you are.”

“She’s strong but she’s exhausted.”

“She loves moonlight and rainstorms and so many other things that have soul.”

“My darling, you can’t see it can you? How like the moon you are. Both of you so timid in yourselves; hiding pieces from the world. Then, there are those rare moments when you are both full, and it becomes hard to look away. You are beautiful.”

“Calm her chaos but never silence her storm.”

“She wears strength and darkness equally well. That girl has always been half Goddess, half Hell.”

“She has been through Hell, so believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into the fire and smiles.”

“She’s proof that you can walk through Hell and still be an angel.”

“She is both hellfire and holy water. And the flavour you taste depends on how you treat her.”

“Even the mountains can not hold all you have been carrying.”

“Storm with skin.”

“She’s thunderstorms”

“Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

“Sometimes it takes only one act of kindness and caring to change a person’s life.”

“You have a heart of gold.”

“Butterflies are the Heaven-sent kisses of an angel.”

“She who is brave is free.”

“Clever as the Devil and twice as pretty.”

“Shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick.”

“Girls who run in heels should be feared.”

“Family is everything to me.”

“She’s an old soul that believes in chivalry, romance, and love.”

“I hate getting flashbacks from things I don’t want to remember.”

“I run on coffee and grace.”

“I’m glad I’ve got boobs… the last thing I need is people making eye contact with me.”

“Tell me to put on my big girl panties one more time… and I’ll take off my thong and strangle you with it!”

“Please read all my posts in a sarcastic tone. You know, for full effect.”

“I have one nerve left and you’re dry-humping it, go away.”

“If I offend you, cry me a river. I’ll bring snacks and a raft. I will literally float down your tears, eating chips and working on my tan.”

“When she is happy, she can’t stop talking. When she is sad, she doesn’t say a word.”

“Music becomes my best friend when nobody else understands me.”

“Act like a lady, think like a boss.”

“I know I have friends but I feel I have no one to talk to about the shit that goes on in my head.”

“She was special. She combined a mean angel and a kind devil.”

“So much pain for someone so young.”

“She’s one of a kind.”

“Red lips and wine sips.”

“Brave girl, it’s time to love again.”

“She is intelligent.”

“Sometimes, when I say ‘I’m okay.’ I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say, ‘I know you’re not.’ ”

“Because I’m not the kind of girl guys fall in love with.”

“I fear I will spend my life, waiting for a love story that doesn’t exist.”

“You’re a woman, use it; bring every man you meet to his motherfucking knees.”

“She denies it but, the truth is, she’s falling in love with him.”

“Hearing your heels click on the floor sounds like power.”

“She loves deeply, regardless of the love she gets back in return and it’s both her biggest strength and biggest weakness…”

“Experience raised her. Hurt taught her. Neither defined her.”

“She was not fragile like a flower was, she was fragile like a bomb.”

“Life is short; make every hair flip count.”

“I’ve always been someone who looks ‘too deep’ into something or someone. That’s because I realised from a young age that there’s always more than what meets the eye.”

“If I say ‘first of all’ Run away because I have prepared research, data, charts, and will destroy you.”

“Underestimate me, that’ll be fun.”

“You think I’m sarcastic? You should hear what I don’t say!”

“She’s a combination of sensitive and savage.”

“Stay classy, sassy and a bit bad assy.��

“She’s battling things her smile will never tell you about.”

 “Ain't you ever seen a princess be a bad bitch?”

“I was told I was dangerous… I asked why? They said ‘because you don’t need anyone.’ That’s when I smiled.”

“She’s been through hell and came out an angel. You didn’t break her darling, you don’t own that kind of power.”

“Watch me. I will go to my own sun and, if I am burned by the flames, I will fly on scorched wings.”

“Her messy hair is a visible attribute to her stubborn spirit. As she shakes it free, she smiles, knowing wild is her favourite colour.”

“She’s strong. But in the back of her mind she doesn’t think that she was meant to be this strong for this long. And she wonders if there is a man out there, somewhere, who understands this.”

“She’s not for everyone and she knows it. People find her different and strange. She dances in the rain, she laughs when she cries and loves through her pain. People fear the unknown and they never knew a girl like her.”

“Don’t tell a girl with fire in her veins and hurricane bones what she should and shouldn’t do. In the blink of an eye, she will shatter that ridiculous cage you attempt to build around her beautiful bohemian spirit.”

“You provoke her until she roars and then get upset at her for becoming the monster you created.”

“Rip out his ego with your fresh nails.”

“She isn’t the sunrise; she’s the fucking sun.”

“You can’t touch a woman who can wear pain like the grandest of diamonds around her neck.”

“Watch your tongue around her. She will bear her fangs and tear you apart with all the grace of a Queen.” 

“If you won’t embrace her madness, then you’ll never taste her magic.”

“Beauty may be dangerous but intelligence is lethal.”

“She is water. Powerful enough to drown you, soft enough to cleanse you, deep enough to save you.”

“Heavy is the crown and yet she wears it as if it were a feather. There is strength in her heart, determination in her eyes and the will to survive resides within her soul.”

“I wish that I could say that I am a light that never goes out, but I flicker from time to time.”

“Spoil me with loyalty. I can finance myself.”

“Shoutout to all the people with brown hair and brown eyes! We basic as fuck but we cute!”

“I feel a nap coming on.”

“Is horny an emotion?”

“I just really like thigh-highs.”

“Even though she looks innocent, she is really a perverted demon.”

“She didn’t sob or wail. Her pain was horribly discreet but as persistent and almost as silent as bleeding from an unstitched wound.”

“I don’t rise from the ashes, I make them. I’m the whole fucking fire.”

“Beautiful but destructive.”

“I’m aiming for the ‘she’s a badass and cute as hell but I wouldn’t touch her without asking’ look.”

“Loving me must be so fucking hard and I’m so sorry.”

“Some women are lost in the fire. Some women are built from it.”

“You glow differently when you’re actually happy.”

“She’s magic, that one.”

“Kicked out of Hell.”

“Red hair: the crown you never take off.”

“You’ve got a fire inside.”

“She doesn’t need a warrior, she is one. What she needs is a devout heart, and strong arms to hold her after her battles are won.”

“You are the love that came without warning: You had my heart before I could say no.”

“You want battle? I’ll give you war.”

“True evil is, above all things, seductive.”

“The Devil’s got nothing on me, my friend.”

“Haven’t I fallen far enough?”

“I’m not like them, but I can pretend.”

“I don’t like being told what to do.”

“Now I grow wings and rage, and learn how to kill.”

“Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.”

“Though she be little, she be fierce.”

“I know what this is; It’s just myself, talking to myself, about myself.”

“You underestimate my power.”

[linkspooky]

It is really sad how Eren treats his friends. They are very supportive and see him through the tough situations yet he is cold and manipulative towards them.

How Eren treats his friends is one of the most interesting aspects of his character. He always makes it clear how much he loves his friends, but at the same time very confused by the idea that they might love him. He wants to love others, but he doesn’t want to be loved. 

It reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite books, Zaregoto Volume 2: Strangulation Romanticist. 

Hers was an all-embracing love. Unwavering, undiluted affection. If I killed a person directly, she would probably forgive me even then. She would love me all the same. To me, that love was just a little too heavy.  I could feel it crushing me. That wide open devotion. It wasn’t that I couldn’t feel affection towards others. It was that I couldn’t receive affection from others. No matter how much adoration Mikoko-chan showed towards me, all I could respond with was disdain for a murderer. No matter how much her feelings for me had inspired her actions, all I could see was another homicide. 

And thus I was damaged goods. And thus I was a human failure. 

Basically, the protagonist of the story is unable to accept other people’s love for him because he’s unable to see himself as a person fundamentally worthy for love, so whatever their feelings are towards him he rejects them all. Eren feels things for other people, but he rejects other’s feelings towards him and that’s why a lot of his relationships break down. I’ll elaborate more under the cut. 

So, it starts with the mother (as it often does). “Because I was Born into this World” is a phrase Eren’s entire character revolves around. It’s a statement of unconditional love. A parent should love a child because they were born as their child, that’s enough, that love doesn’t have to be earned. It’s a simple and warm statement. 

Unconditional love is something that Eren wants, but also he can’t really comprehend or even accept because he doesn’t feel like he’s earned it. Eren fixates on his mother, and more specifically the trauma of losing his mother. 

His mother loves him unconditionally, however, Eren wasn’t able to do anything for his mother. He wasn’t able to protect her and watched helplessly as she tied. Eren had unconditional love for most of his formative years yes, but it was also taken away from him suddenly when he was a child in a situation he had no control over. Ever since that, every single relationship Eren ahs formed with toher people has been an insecure attachment. 

In basic terms, insecure attachment is a relationship style where the bond is contaminated by fear. This is expressed mainly as reluctance in the relationship and other mixed emotions, such as dependence and rejection. Most psychologists believe that insecure attachment is formed in early childhood.

In developmental psychology the basic theory is that the way children first form connections with their parents will inform them on how all other relationships after that point are made. Those who have a secure attachment know how to make healthy connections with other, while those who are insecure will continue to show unhealthy behaviors later on in life. 

Eren had a secure attachment, and he lost it in a situation outside of his control. That stunted his growth, and ability to form all other relationships past that point. Yes, Eren still had some ungrateful behavior towards Armin and Mikasa when he was younger and his mother was still alive, but those behaviors are things he could have grown past if he was raised in a healthy environment. Instead, he lost his home, all security, and was raised as a child soldier instead. 

This has been a paradox in Eren’s character for a long time. Unlike people like Reiner, unlike Zeke, or even Historia, Eren has unconditinoal love surrounding him coming from Armin and Mikasa. He has two people who would trust him. He still had a home even after losing his initial home. 

Zeke can’t comprehend why Eren who has all of these things, all fo the things Zeke has wanted his entire life, in both childhood and his adolescence is unable to accept any of them. Why he would choose to throw them all away and fight instead? Once again, it comes to Eren’s image of himself. 

Eren doesn’t see himself as a good person. He doesn’t see himself as worthy of love. That’s why even though he wants to share a family with Mikasa, and share a dream with Armin he ends up rejecting both of them because he sees himself as too inferior to accept any of their feelings. He’s too insecure about himself to form any kind of attachment. 

It returns to his mother because that was the starting point of his trauma. It’s not that he’s been the same ever since he was born. He’s just never been able to grow and cope properly with the loss of his mother. Ever since losing her, his every other relationship has been characterized by fear of this loss. He’s so paralyzed by fear of losing people he can’t allow himself to get close to people, and that’s where the insecurity comes from. This doublethink statement. Eren wants a mother’s love, but Eren sees himself as a bad person unworthy of a mother’s love. 

This is a paradox that informs every one of his actions. Eren loves his friends. Eren doesn’t want to be loved back. There is also an element to control about this. Eren can control his own feelings, but can’t control other people’s feelings. 

Eren can understand himself. He can understand his own love. He can understand that he would die for Mikasa, and he knows his own feelings towards Armin as well. However, he doesn’t really get why either of them would ever like him. 

Eren is told right to his face that Mikasa loves him, and his response is to brush it off. It doesn’t matter because Eren can’t experience that love. Not only can he not accept it, but he also is going to die regardless. He doesn’t really understand other people’s feelings, and when he is confronted with those feelings he finds himself unworthy of them. He’s always seen himself as inferior to both Mikasa and Armin. He genuinely doesn’t understand why Mikasa would follow him around.

He’s always seen Armin as someone different and better than him, because Armin can care about things besides violence. He’s driven by more than just hatred. 

Which is why Eren eventually cuts off both relationships to him. One he was never able to accept their feelings for him in the first place. Two, it’s about control. If Eren is the one to break the relationships then he is still in control. He’s not abandoned, because he is the one who chose to terminate the relationships. Everything Eren does is out of his fear of losing people, but also of losing people in uncontrolled circumstances. 

If Eren is the one who is cutting them off, if Eren is the one who breaks the connection then that’s different somehow. That’s different to Eren at least. Once again it goes back to the idea of insecure attachment. There’s a reason that Eren’s description of freedom just sounds like being alone. Eren can’t accept other people’s feelings for him. Which is why he’ll often choose to do these things entirely on his own, because trying to deal with other people is too difficult for him. It’s easier for him to be alone. He doesn’t feel security from a single one of his attachments. 

It is once again a child’s idea of forming relationships. He wants everyone to agree with him, and when they don’t he wants them to leave him alone. He can’t handle conflict and either pushes them away or goes off to sulk on his own. He wants the bad things, and the conflicts to just disappear by closing his eyes and coveing his ears. His own feelings for other people matter, but he doesn’t really comprehend other peopel’s feelings for him. Eren views his relationships in a very immature and stunted way, and doesn’t really want to grow past that. A fully developed person is capable of having secure relationships where they can accept other people’s feelings even if they lead to conflict. 

Utlimately, the disconnect between Eren and his friends post-timeskip comes from the fact that all of Eren’s other friends are struggling in their own ways to grow up, and grow past who they once were. Whereas, Eren wants to remain the same ever since he was a child. He wants to cling to his and Armin’s childish dream that the world is completely empty and open for them to explore. 

Which is why unless Eren makes a major change fast in the way he connects to other people he’s going to be alone. If Eren’s mother told him he deserves to “live in this world” simply by being born, then dying alone would be the opposite of what his mother wanted for him. But it’s a road he’s quickly speeding down. 

[phoenixstartedthefire]

My thoughts on the cursed child part 2: things I didn't like

I made a post before about my opinions on the cursed child. I recommend you go read that one if you haven't yet before you read this one. My other post was mostly about my positive opinions and thoughts on the addition to the harry potter universe. This one is going to be more focused on my problems with the play. Again, this won't make such sense if you haven't read it.

I cannot stress how much I hate the fact that Harry named his child after Dumbledore and Snape. I know there is something to be said of some fondness he may feel for Dumbledore. He was kind to Harry at times and was someone Harry really looked up to. I can understand why he named his child after Dumbledore. But I don't think it's right. Dumbledore left Harry in an abusive household for his entire childhood, even when McGonagall questioned his judgement, insisted on tiptoeing around the truth and being vague on purpose when all Harry wanted was answers, ignored Harry when he needed him most(ootp), and raised a child to die without him knowing. And even though what Dumbledore put Harry through was terrible, I can understand that Harry might feel a certain fondness for him. But Snape. I cannot even begin to explain how much I hate him. I may make another post about it detailing exactly why but long story short, snape literally abused harry to the point where even less than a year into knowing him, Harry was convinced that his own teacher was trying to kill him. And then, "ur mom got mad at me cus I called her a slur twenty years ago and im still sad" and he's a saint? Fuck Snape.

I didn't like the 'Scorpius might be Voldemort's son' plotline. I don't think it made any sense. And I think it's stupid that everyone just believes this stupid rumor with no evidence at all. Even Harry believed it at one point. If they thought all the time turners were destroyed, how did they think Astoria traveled back in time to get knocked up by Voldemort? Why would Voldemort agree to that? How do they explain Scorpius looking like his father? It's ridiculous and shouldn't have been included. If they wanted to keep the plotline that Scorpius was secluded and ostracized by most of his classmates, they should have just gone with the 'his dad was a death eater' route. It makes a lot more sense than some stupid rumor that in no way could be true.

I didn't like the whole "there's a dark cloud around ur son" plot. Harry has been known to repeatedly discredit divination in the books. So why does he believe the centaur so wholeheartedly without hesitation? I know that he has respect for the centaurs because they saved his life and they are oppressed for being 'half-breeds' which is not right at all. But I still think its out of character for Harry to just believe in some vision the centaur had without any question. And it shouldn't take Draco Malfoy to tell him that after he already made both of their sons lives hell.

Speaking of Harry's character, I don't think it was in character for him to split up Albus and Scorpius like that. He, out of all people, should know how important friends are at Hogwarts. He even says to Albus earlier in the play that friends are important and he didn't know what he would've done without Ron and Hermione. So why would he willingly split his son and his only friend up just because Scorpius might be evil? And honestly, if he ever even made the effort to meet Scorpius, he would know that Scorpius 'excuse me, Mr. Muggle' and 'my geekness is a-quivering' Malfoy is the least likely person ever to be evil. I suppose it isn't too unlike him to hate Scorpius at first just because he's Malfoy's son. But if he can forgive Snape for bullying him for years, he should be able to look past his rivalry with Draco for the sake of his son's safety and happiness. I mean, Harry would be downright murderous if someone tried to split up him and Ron for no good reason at Hogwarts. So why does he think it's okay for him to split up Scorpius and Albus?

Also the way he treated McGonagall was completely out of line and out of character. In the books, he (almost) always treated McGonagall with complete respect and admired her, even if he didn't quite agree with her at times. So for him to storm into her office and demand anything of her is completely out of character and just downright shitty.

Also, and I know this has been said before but the whole Cedric Diggory being a death eater thing? So stupid. Cedric is quite possibly the best person in the series. He is always nice to everyone and always makes sure things are fair. You're telling me that because of getting embarrassed when he was 17 he's gonna turn into a wizard nazi? It doesn't make any sense. I mean. So many people loved him and were absolutely destroyed when he died. Because of how much of a genuinely nice and loving person he was. Amos Diggory, over 20 years later still is trying to find ways to bring his son back. Cedric wanted a rematch in poa after the dementors made harry faint in quidditch! Because it wasn't fair! That boy deserved better.

I hate the Delphi plot. It just kind of invalidates Voldemort's whole character. The whole point of his character and why he was so evil was because he was incapable of love. The only reason he tolerates certain people is because he has a use for them. It's incredibly stupid that Voldemort would ever feel enough for Bellatrix to do...that with her. I know that one doesn't need to love someone to have sex but I don't see Voldemort ever doing that. Not only because i dont want to picture it but also because he would find the whole concept of it too human. He would never trust anyone enough to have a child with them. The only way I could ever see him having a child is maybe to clone himself? Or find some other self dependent way to have a child. And he wouldn't have a child. So that's stupid.

I didn't like the relationship they try to push between Rose and Scorpius. Rose makes it pretty clear from their first meeting that she doesn't like Scorpius and her opinion doesn't seem to change throughout the play. Rose to me just seemed like 'I know that Albus and Scorpius have chemistry throughout the entire play and would make sense to be together but...no homo'. It's one of those 'won't take no for an answer' kind of relationships that are super harmful. If a girl says no, respect it and move on. I thought the little awkward attempts at flirting with her were cute but the overall concept of Rose and Scorpius ending up together doesn't sit right with me. Especially with the amount of chemistry that he has with Albus. It doesn't make sense for him to be with Rose.

Also. I hate that Ron and Hermione don't end up together in the alternate timelines. They obviously still love each other. It wouldn't make sense for Ron to end up marrying Padma after spending one night with her at the yule ball. While the yule ball was a big factor in ron and Hermione figuring out their feelings for each other, it definitely wasn't the only moment that mattered. Just because Hermione and Ron went to the ball together doesn't mean they wouldn't end up married. Wouldn't the house elf situation in DH have still happened in the timeline where Hermione is the teacher? I just don't get it. Is there something I'm missing here?

Hey, wtf was with the whole trolley witch thing? I hated it.

That's most of my problems with the cursed child. I overall enjoyed it but there were a lot of flaws and plot holes and things that just didn't make sense. To me the whole play was just a cash grab for jkr. She wanted to keep profiting on the franchise. She did the same with the fantastic beast series. She didn't do it for her passion for the series. She did it to stay relevant and make money. She sucks. It’s nice for if you want the feels and just need something to read but not if you want to take a serious look at something. Don’t go into it with high expectations.

Let me know if there’s anything else you’d like to hear my opinions on! I was thinking about making a post about Draco Malfoy and my thoughts on his character since he’s pretty controversial in the fandom. Or maybe some popular\unpopular ships?

[girlwithshipsshitshow]

Part 21

Takahiro: We need to talk. (His speech was still slightly slurred). 

Usagi: Ar- are you drunk?

Takahiro: Only a little bit. Is my family there?

Usagi: (Sighs, leans against the wall, crossing his arms), That depends, what family are you talking about?

Takahiro: My wife and Kid.

Usagi: So not the baby brother you claim to care so much about, only to get drunk because you hate the fact that he’s gay?  

Takahiro: You don’t Understand. 

Usagi: What I understand is, that the you’re going to lose the brother you say you care about so much if you  don’t come to terms with who he is and his happiness. I think you should probably figure your shit out before his graduation, or you might lose him  forever.

Takahiro: B-

Usagi: I have to go, I think it’s  better if you give everyone space. (Hangs up, Misaki Runs into his arms, tears are in his eyes). Did you hear all that?

Misaki: Yeah.

Usagi: I’m sorry.

Misaki:  It’s not you’re fault. Um, can we just go to bed.

Usagi: Sure, yeah. It’s been a long day. (He picked the younger boy up cradling him in his arms, heading up the stairs to their room).

Misaki: (Wraps his arms around his neck), I didn’t ask you to do this.

Usagi: (Laughs softly), Yeah, but you aren’t really complaining. 

(Usagi walked into  their room, closing the door behind him, sitting Misaki on the bed, he grinned staring down at him causing Misaki to blush.)

Misaki: What?

Usagi: (Leans down, pushing hair behind Misaki's ear. He smiles warmly kissing him on the lips.) You’re so fucking sexy. I- miss you. 

Misaki: (He sighed, rubbing his hands up and down Usagi’s arms), I miss you too. 

Usagi: Can’t we, (He gave a naughty smile, sliding his hands under Misaki’s shirt, playing with his nipples). 

Misaki: (Moans slightly), No baby, you know we can’t.

Usagi: You aren’t making any effort to move my hands.

Misaki: It feels good, I miss it, but no. (He took Usagi’s hands out of his shirt), stop babe. 

Usagi: (Sits on the bed beside  him), Look, I just think we can have sex, what's the worst that can happen? 

Misaki: Your stiches that are barely healed could come undone, then you have to get them fixed, and we’ll have to wait longer. You just got home from the hospital a few  days ago and for some reason I just let you lift me. 

Usagi: We’ll the Doc said, no heavy lifting so...

Misaki: Hey... (He knocked against Usagi), I just want you to be carful. 

Usagi: We’ll can we sleep with our shirts off?

Misaki: You have to promises no nipple play.

Usagi: Okay. (He grinned, ripping Misaki’s shirt off pushing him on the bed hungrily kissing him). 

Misaki: (He looks up at the older man, running his fingers through his hair, moving his arms down to the bottom of his shirt, slowly taking it off. Misaki ran his hands over the older mans back.)

Usagi: I thought we weren’t doing this. (He grins placing kisses all over Misaki’s face.)

Misaki: We aren’t, but, that doesn’t mean I can’t feel your back right? I miss the feel of it. 

Usagi: You’re cute.

Misaki: (Blushes), you know how I feel about that word.

Usagi: Yeah, you love it.

Misaki: I actually have grown to love it.

Usagi: Because you know it’s true.

Misaki: Maybe, (The younger boy shivers) 

Usagi: Are you cold?

Misaki: Yeah, it’s freezing. 

Usagi: (He smiles, pulling the covers around them, turning now the two were on their sides). Better?

Misaki: Not quite. (He grinned, turning to Usagi, so his head was on his chest), perfect.

Usagi: (Grins, Wrapping his arms around Misaki). Absolutely. 

(The two fell asleep, wrapped in each others arms, their hearts syncing, beating as one).  

(Usagi was the first to wake, it was around seven thirty am, Misaki was sound asleep, his head resting against Usagi’s chest, the older man smiled gently pressing a kiss against his head. He loved Misaki so much, he wished Takahiro would accept Misaki, he knew Usagi was Gay and didn’t mind, Misaki was probably right, his brother had this whole life planned out for him, and his plans didn’t include him being gay, let alone falling in love with his brother best friend. Takahiro would have to get over it, Misaki was who he was, and he couldn’t change that, and it’s not like they planned to fall in love, Usagi clearly remembers that they hated each other at first. Usagi laughed to himself, he couldn’t believe almost five years ago they met, and a few months after that they started dating, although, he still feels awful about the way he treated him when he first came to his place, Misaki forgives him but Usagi still feels sick when you thinks about it. He closed his eyes trying to push the memory away again. Misaki stirred, he stretched looking up at the older man.)

Misaki: Hi, (He grinned, blushing).

Usagi: Morning. Did you sleep well?

Misaki: Yeah, I guess. (He ran his hand over Usagi's muscular chest). Did you?

Usagi: Mmmmm.

Misaki: Good. (He sat up pulling the covers around him, he looked down at Usagi who propped himself up on his elbow, grinning at him).

Usagi: What is it baby? (he ran his hand up Misaki’s thigh).

Misaki: Um, (Misaki twisted his engagement ring around on his finger), Never mind its nothing. I- I’m going to take a shower. (Misaki started to get out of bed, but Usagi  reached for him).

Usagi: Tell me what’s wrong.

Misaki: Todays Saturday. 

Usagi: Ah, (He sat up, giving him a confused look), and Saturdays make you sad?

Misaki: I graduate next week.

Usagi: So you’re nervous? 

Misaki: No, I- (He looked down at the floor), I guess I don’t know how to feel, and with everything going on right now, Maybe I don’t want to Graduate.

Usagi: I know. (He sat on the edge of the bed) Come here, (He pulled Misaki on his lap), What do you want to do?

Misaki: Well, I want to take a shower. (He giggled), Um then I want to go get breakfast. 

Usagi: Okay, where do you want to go?

Misaki: Lets go to the place we went yesterday? I know it’s out of the way, but can it be our place?

Usagi: Might as well be, It’s going to be close to our house.

Misaki: Okay. Also, I know you told my brother he should give us space but what i-

Usagi: No baby, you can’t go to him. it’s his job to figure this out. If you make up with him, he’ll think he’s off the hook, he’s not.

Misaki: Yeah, I guess. I just want to do something. 

Usagi: (Caressing Misaki's face), I know, because your a fixer, this is different though. 

Misaki: I know, (Kiss Usagi’s cheek), I’m going to take a shower. (Stands up).

Usagi: Can I come?

Misaki: (Rolls eyes), Fine, but no funny business. 

Usagi: (Laughs, standing up), I KNOW! I KNOW! (Wraps arms around Misaki placing kisses on his neck).

Misaki: (Giggles); Hey, quite it. 

Usagi: You said no funny business, you didn’t say no kissing.

Misaki: (Runs into bathroom), Sneaky.

Usagi: (Grins, chases after him).

Mahiro: Mommy, I’m hungry! (lying on his stomach, legs in the air, reading a book).

Manami: (On the couch flipping through channels), I know honey, but it sounds like your Uncles are up, so maybe when they come downstairs we can figure out breakfast. I can get you some juice and crackers for now?

Mahiro: Okay!

Manami: Alight, (she grins, standing up, ruffling Mahiro’s hair as she passes him walking into the kitchen). 

Mahiro: Mom, when will Mitaki and Uangi get married?

Manami: I don’t know sweetie: (Brings snacks to him).

Mahiro: Are they going to have kids?

Manami: Maybe, why? you want cousins? 

Mahiro: Yeah! Plus, I think they would make good parents, they deserve kids...( Puts, a finger to his chis), How do they have kids?

Manami: Um...

Mahiro: They can’t have kids like you and daddy.

Manami: And how did daddy and I have kids?

Mahiro: I don’t know, but I know that they can’t do it like you guys did.

Manami: Well, if they want to, they have a few options, but that  would be up to them.

Mahiro: Oh. (Takes a sip of juice), is this one of the conversations for when I’m older?

Manami: Or when they decied to have kids, and we can explain it to you better.

Mahiro: Okay. 

Manami: (Sighs), Okay. (Sits down, leans against couch).

(Misaki wrapped a towel around his waist as he stepped out of the shower, Usagi has gotten out before him and was getting dressed in the bedroom. The older man still preferred wearing sweats instead of his dress shirts and ties, Misaki walked into the bedroom where Usagi wore black sweat pants, he was digging through the draws looking through a shirt to wear when he turned around to face the younger boy).

Usagi: Hey,(He pulled him towards him kissing his cheek). 

Misaki: Hi. (He look down at his stomach, looking down at his scar, carefully running his fingers over it).

Usagi: Misaki, it’s okay.

Misaki: It’s not.

Usagi: I’m okay though. I’m here. Plus, I never would've discovered my love for sweats without it.

Misaki: (Laughs sadly), Yeah I guess. 

Usagi: Don’t worry. (He grinned putting on a black shirt and a black hoodie). I love you. 

Misaki: I love you too. 

Usagi: Okay, I’m going to take this downstairs. (He picked up the laundry basket sitting on the), I’ll see you in a minute, then we can go eat.

Misaki: Sounds good.

 (He stood up kissing Usagi softly on the lips, he exited the bedroom, Misaki went to the dresser searching for something to wear, landing on gray sweatpants, a white shirt, and a red hoodie, quickly towel drying his hair, then he made his way downstairs. Misaki paused at the top of  the stairs, watching Usagi interact with Mahiro, the two were growing closer, it made his heart swell.)

Usagi: Go fish.

Mahiro: You promise you don’t have any fives?

Usagi: I don’t have any fives, I’d let you have a five if I did.

Mahiro: Fine. (He grumbled pulling a card from the deck, a huge smile forming across his face.) I GOT THE FIVE!! I DIDN’T NEED YOUR STINKY CARDS ANYWAY!

Usagi: (Laughs), Good game. (He stacked the cards together shuffling them).

Misaki: (Walking up behind him, kissing him on his cheek), Hey.

Usagi: Hey, you ready? 

Misaki: Yeah, (He glanced at Manami and Mahiro), You guys want to come eat breakfast with us?

Mahiro: Yes!! (He jumped up running over to Misaki almost knocking him over, running into the mudroom, Manami racing after him).

Usagi: Aright, lets go. (He stood up stretching, as his phone started to ring), Hold on. Hello?

Eri: Usami; it’s me.

Usagi: (he slid his hand in his pocket, glancing at Misaki, raising an eyebrow.) What's up Eri?

Eri: What are y’all up too today?

Usagi: About to go eat,  why? what's up? 

Eri: Rose has the day off, we were wondering if you wanted to hang out.

Usagi: Well, you can join us for breakfast if you want, I can text you the address?

Eri: Sure! See you soon!

Usagi: (Hangs up, putting phone in his pocket, Misaki is staring at him in disbelief). What?

Misaki: It’s just, not even a few months ago, you wanted me all to yourself, and now...

Usagi: (He sighed, pulling Misaki towards him wrapping his arms around his neck). These people are our family, and I always want you to myself. (He chuckled), But we haven’t seen Eri and Rose in a while, I thought it would be nice to invite them out.

Misaki: Remember when you hated people? What happened to that guy? That’s the guy I fell in love with.

Usagi: (Laughs), You’re so full of shit. The guy you fell in love with is the clingy overprotective guy. 

Misaki: Yeah, (He scoffed), That guy shows himself to others a lot these days. A lot of people didn’t think you had another side to you.

Usagi: You’re the one who helped  bring out the softer side of me. 

Misaki: Ah, I can’t take all the credit. 

Usagi: You can, I’d be dead if I hadn’t met you.

Misaki: (He grinned softly kissing Usagi on the lips). Maybe, I know I wouldn’t be graduating if I hadn’t met you. I’d also be really sad.  

Usagi: You make me really happy too baby. (He grinned, the two leaning in for a kiss when Mahiro ran in pulling their hands).

Mahiro: LETS GO I’M HUNGRY!! 

Usagi: He’s hungry.

Misaki: Yeah. We’re coming, don’t worry. 

[myopinionhi]

Solangelo as LGBTQ Rep and Possible Issues

I do not represent the LGBT community because I’m sure a variety of LGBT fans would have various reactions to Solangelo. As a shy, bisexual person myself, I’ll speak only for myself.

I’ve noticed some people praising Solangelo for being positive LGBTQ rep and then others thinking it doesn’t deserve the praise. I can see both sides. 

I think Solangelo overall is positive LGBTQ representation. It’s not perfect. I’m glad Rick made Nico gay. However, Solangelo has one huge problem. It actually kind of suffers from a sort of harmful gay trope. The trope isn’t nearly harmful enough to take away Solangelo’s positive representation, but it’s there. I’ll elaborate more on it at the end of this essay.

Here are things I’m mostly not bothered with that others are regarding Nico and Will’s LGBT rep. 

1. Nico being outed by cupid. The infamous Cupid scene made me uncomfortable, and seeing Nico forced out of the closet hit too close to home. I could relate to a young teen struggling to accept the truth about himself. Some LGBTQ characters in media appear in an amazing LGBTQ utopia that pretends LGBTQ individuals don’t have issues with self-acceptance. Heroes of Olympus doesn’t sugarcoat Nico’s issues, because the struggle can be real for some LGBTQ individuals. Yes, Nico was forced out the closet. But he was mainly forced out of the closet to himself. It was supposed to be some sort of emotional release and self-awakening. If he stays in denial, more harm than good will come out of it. What Cupid did was cruel and was supposed to be cruel. I’d have an issue with the scene if Nico was forced out of the closet in front of a group of people, but since he was only forced out in front of Jason and then Jason respectfully keeps Nico’s secret and supports him, I actually don’t have an issue with it.

2. Nico and Will constantly argue. Nico and Will argue since Blood of Olympus. Will is aggressive with Nico. I’ve mentioned this before in a previous essay; Will has to be aggressive because Nico is on the verge of death. Nico is about to disappear into the shadows and hasn’t properly taken care of himself in a long time. After not seeing Nico in months, Will must have been devastated seeing the state of Nico’s health and seeing Nico being so stubborn and anti-social about it. Will’s anger is justified, and Nico needs that push to start being healthy after so long. Nico’s anti-social and self-depreciation also probably frustrated Will. Nico thought no one wanted to be his friend and is going to leave Camp, so Will has to be assertive to convince Nico he is wanted. 

Nico and Will’ s bickering in Lost Oracle is more affectionate bickering. They have very different personalities, so they’re going to disagree and let it be known. They have more harmless and playful disagreements. It’s actually more cute, if anything. 

The only real issue I have with their arguments is in Blood of Olympus when Will snaps at Nico by claiming “Nobody at Camp Half-Blood ever pushed you away.” and “You pushed yourself away. If you’d get your head out of that brooding cloud of yours for once...”  The harmful implication of this statement is the dismissal of Nico’s real experiences of rejection and that if he’d just stop brooding he’d be happy. The implications are....unfortunate. Don’t get me wrong. Will likely lost his patience with Nico’s stubbornness after hearing Nico say he’s leaving Camp, likely never coming back. I understand Will’s devastation, especially since he wants to be Nico’s friend and knows others who do too.

 The statement isn’t problematic because Will simply said it. It’s a human to say hurtful things. Will is an exhausted teen who’s on the verge of losing Nico. The real problem is the book doesn’t acknowledge Will’s statement as harmful. Will doesn’t apologize or acknowledge how he was wrong. Will says it and then Nico suddenly agrees to stay at Camp, implying Nico’s isolation was brought completely on himself. Hypothetically, if Will acknowledges his mistakes later, like in Tower of Nero, then this unfortunate line is more forgivable. 

3. Nico has barely accepted himself. He’s not ready for a boyfriend. I’d accept this argument if Will and Nico started dating at the end of Blood of Olympus. Fortunately, they don’t. Nico doesn’t even acknowledge having feelings for Will to himself. It’s only implied. I find the many fanfictions having Will and Nico dating after Nico stays at the infirmary for three days unrealistic and rushed. But not this. Will and Nico aren’t a confirmed couple until Hidden Oracle, which happens months after Blood of Olympus. If Nico gets emotional healing and bonds with Will for months, it’s not unreasonable for them to be dating. Even their official relationship in Hidden Oracle seems pretty casual and low stress.

4. Will has Nico on a short leash. No Will doesn’t. After Blood of Olympus, when Will tries to save Nico’s life, Will isn’t controlling. He may tell Nico to be nicer or would bicker, but nothing  too overbearing. Will teases Nico for not calling him his boyfriend and doesn’t get angry when Nico shadow-travels in Hidden Oracle. Nico seems to want to be around Will on his own accord. He enjoys being around Will, hence the doctor’s note. 

5. Will “fixed” Nico and/or Nico became too dependent on Will. No, the reason Nico is happier in Hidden Oracle is because he has learned to accept himself and he has family and friends supporting him. Some of the most important loved ones for Nico include Hazel, Reyna, Jason, and the rest of the Seven. Blood of Olympus gives more focus and development to Reyna and Nico’s relationship than Nico and Will’s relationship. Will is the straw that broke the camels back, but it’s the accumulation of impactful events and support that gets Nico to happiness. Will helped, especially with Nico’s physical health. When Nico decides to stay at Camp Half-Blood, it’s likely he sees his home in Camp Half-Blood than Camp Jupiter. Bianca trusted Camp Half-Blood to take care of Nico. Nico and Will’s relationship did grow after Blood of Olympus, and Will’s support helps Nico, but there’s no indication of Will be Nico’s “fixer”. He’s just Nico’s friend and boyfriend.

Here’s an interesting argument I’ve been pondering.

Will can’t be both Nico’s doctor and his boyfriend. This argument interests me because if Will had a crush on Nico during Blood of Olympus, he maybe shouldn’t treat Nico as a patient. I’ve seen too many creepy fanfictions of Will using his authority as Nico’s doctor to get closer to Nico. However, Will likely is also the one who knows what’s best for Nico’s health. He’s a better healer even than Apollo. He may also be the only one who knows how save Nico from fading into the shadows in Blood of Olympus since Nico’s powers are unusual. Will’s emotional investment in Nico interferes with objectivity. Then again, Will may be emotionally invested with many people in Camp-Halfblood as well, and Will is the one with the best healing. Will’s doctor’s note for Nico to sit at the Apollo table does touch upon Will’s professional conflict of interest with Nico. It’s possible Will can keep it completely professional as Nico’s doctor since he’s a natural-born healer, but it’s relying on the good-faith of a teenager. 

It seems unfair to deprive Nico of the best medical care because Will is his boyfriend. Especially during the winter, it’s possible Kayla’s and Austin’s healing abilities are very inferior to Will’s. At the same time though, there’s conflicts of interest when Will has Nico as his patient. 

Here’s one issue I have in regards to Nico’s crush on Percy.

We don’t know how Nico gets over his crush on Percy. We’re never shown Nico’s POV until Blood of Olympus, so it’s very possible Nico goes through some self-realization after the Cupid scene. I find Nico’s dropped crush on Percy disappointing. I would have liked to see Nico admit there’s still some lingering, painful feelings towards Percy for a little while during Blood of Olympus. It would have been interesting seeing Nico accept the heartbreak and move on. Percy was Nico’s first love and someone who Nico invested in for years. House of Hades seems to imply there is still some lingering feelings, but then it’s dropped in Blood of Olympus, and Nico says to Percy “you’re not my type.” It’s lazy writing. It’s like Rick made Nico gay for Percy for that gay angst but then didn’t feel like following through. Nico’s crush on Percy affected Nico for years. How is it dropped within two books?!

The main issue I have with Solangelo

Their romance and relationship is hidden. Okay, if Will didn’t call Nico his boyfriend and Apollo didn’t gush over their relationship in Hidden Oracle, we wouldn’t know they’re in a romantic relationship. All their actions are completely platonic. I get that Nico’s probably not into PDA. I get romantic pet names may be too embarrassing for Nico. I get they may not want to flaunt their relationship. I get they may not want to hold hands. I get they’d want to keep their relationship private. I get they’re young. I get Nico doesn’t like being touched. I get Trials of Apollo is only from Apollo’s POV. That’s not the issue. 

What actions do they have that imply they’re boyfriends instead of friends? The most affectionate they’ve gotten is Nico resting his hand on Will’s shoulder, Will casually leaning on Nico before the three-legged race, or Nico grabbing Will’s hand once to shadow-travel to the chariot. There’s not really any tiny romantic actions. There’s no clear romantic flirting, loving gazes, hand squeezes, hugs, legs touching, footsies, kisses on the head, or hugs. Only a couple of these small romantic actions are all that’s necessary. Nico and Will don’t have to go as far as kissing and cuddling. The relationship gets brownie points for using the label "boyfriend”, but then homophobes don’t have to be squeamish about two guys getting even a tiny bit of romantic affection. It’s too easy to censor the explicit gayness of their relationship because there’s not much to possibly censor. 

Their absent romantic affection is only half of it though. Another major problem is Solangelo is only in two books. Even when they’re in those two books, their relationship doesn’t get a lot of scenes. In Blood of Olympus, Will and Nico work together and bicker during the battle against Gaia. It’s heartwarming, but they don’t even meet up until more than halfway into the book. In Hidden Oracle, Nico and Will are only in a handful of scenes, and many of these moments are brief. When Will and Nico are shown, they have chemistry. They clearly care and support each other. But this groundbreaking relationship of theirs doesn’t have much. Will is the son of Apollo, and, not including Tower of Nero for now, only appears in Hidden Oracle during Trials of Apollo. Why does Will Solace only appear in 1 (2 including Tower of Nero) books in Trials of Apollo even though his dad is the main character? We don’t know. He could be strong LGBTQ rep with a boyfriend, but....nope. 

The same-sex ships get tiny crumbs, and then you’ve got all these straight ships shown and developed in more than two or three books. I’m worried Solangelo is falling under the “But Not Too Gay” trope, where an author wants a gay couple for representation credit, but then won’t give them the same appreciation as straight couples.  

Don’t get me wrong. I’d much rather have Nico be gay, and I’d much rather have Solangelo be a couple. I think their relationship is wholesome, and what’s shown of them has positive representation. I don’t find Nico’s LGBTQ representation too problematic. It’s just sort of....missing something important that could make it really positive. For what it’s worth, I appreciate the Solangelo crumbs, and it meant a lot to me growing up. 

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

*sigh* I love him... oh, hey there tumblr! It’s been awhile, sorry about that. Been drinking a big ol’ glass of Loving Kiryu juice tho so it’s time for some Kiryu Opinions with Lemon. Sit’ya down and gather close. 

I’ve recently been informed that writing Kiryu is hard. This came as a surprise to me because Kiryu is very intuitive for me to wield. Like, there’s a certain amount of pressure with writing any protag, especially one who so defines a series and a universe, even now. But I just... don’t struggle with him. All of his decisions are intuitively relatable for me. 

But hearing that Kiryu was deceptively complicated made me stop and thinking about what about him appeals to me, what I find easy to move with him. I don’t know about any of you, but when I struggle to write a character, it’s because I struggle to understand their motivations. (Note that I said understand, which doesn’t necessarily mean agree with.) If I can’t explain to myself why a character is Like That, how the hell am I going to explain it to anyone else? How will I move them believably if I don’t know why they’re moving? 

So this got me thinking about... why Kiryu is Like That. 

One of the important things for me, whenever I have Kiryu in a scene, is that Kiryu is always in the Present. This is not true for many, many characters. Many people are reliving the past or hoping for the future. But in any given scene, even if Kiryu should be thinking about other things, what he responds to is the present, the here and now. That is first and foremost what motivates him. Whatever is happening right in front of him takes precedence. Both past events and future consequences mean very little to him compared to that. 

This is drastically different, as I said, from characters like Majima, who is nearly always living in the past. A strange thing for me to say about a character as self-aware as him, but being self-aware and being in the Present are two different things. But I’m not here to talk about him today. 

This is not to say that Kiryu is ignorant or foolhardy or callous. Kiryu does not deny the past its meaning or charge in blindly without an awareness of the consequences. He knows consequences will come, he simply accepts them faster than you might expect. And Kiryu is deeply affected by the past and does spend a great deal of time thinking about the past. But that’s not how his decisions get made. Many people are so afraid of or so hurt by the past, that all of their present decisions are predetermined by what has happened to them before. And that makes sense, we all learn from experience and react to it. It’s just a matter of which pieces of information any one of us is choosing to evaluate per decision. And rather than looking to past pain and past failures, or past successes, Kiryu gives deference to the most recent information. Part of the reason for this is that the only pattern Kiryu sees in the past is his failures. If everything he did before failed, why the hell would he do that again? And part of the reason is because the past is dead to Kiryu. 

I said before some people live in the past. They play it out every day, trying to redeem themselves, hoping for a different ending. If they just do it right this time, things will be different, things will be better. Other people believe in do-overs. Kiryu doesn’t. Kiryu internalized when he was young that there are no do-overs. Sometimes you get one shot and you live with the consequences. That’s what Kiryu believes. When he entered the yakuza, that was the ethos instilled in him. If you make a call, you stand by it and you live with it, good, bad, or break even. Kiryu believes that, even to this day. And in his defense, many of the decisions he’s had to make were like that. Any time he made a bad call, the consequences were permanent. Any mistake he made, he could lose a friend, he could lose a war. And when he made that decision, he had to be ready for those consequences. That’s what he learned. So for him there are no do-overs. The past is dead. It’s not an active, dynamic thing that he could change, even if he wanted to. He can’t bring Nishiki back to life, he can’t save Tachibana, he can’t un-orphan Haruka. Those decisions are made and gone. 

He’s not a fool and he won’t torture himself thinking about what he could have done differently. He accepts that these are the consequences. Sometimes you’re wrong and sometimes there’s nothing you can do about it. In some ways, this helps Kiryu let go. It means he’s never trying to save someone who’s already dead. It means he doesn’t dwell in regret. This gives him the ability to move forward. If he couldn’t do this, he never would have gotten up from the end of Kiwami 1. But Nishiki’s dead and there’s nothing he can do about it. So he doesn’t try. That’s the downside. Kiryu never goes back. He never tries to make it better, even for himself. Because he doesn’t think there is a way. It’s too painful to even consider that. Who is there to forgive him? Who is there to let him try again? The dead don’t talk. Kiryu accepts that he cannot change the past. Instead he flees from it. 

This is an opposite defensive maneuver from trying to relive the past, he’s trying to outrun it. If he never has to make those decisions again, then he can never fuck up like that again. It’s why he refuses to be chairman, it’s why he hates being in Kamurocho. It’s all a constant reminder of his mistakes and how much they cost. And Kiryu’s defensive strategy is sometimes overactive, deciding that he can’t fix situations that haven’t yet burnt to the ground. He always assumes people won’t forgive him, that they don’t want him to try. He always assumes his failure is enough to ruin all the relationships he has. Why would you forgive someone who ruined your life? Kiryu doesn’t know why you would and doesn’t think you should. He’s paranoid about failing the people he loves and he believes that if he has failed you, you rightfully don’t love him anymore and wouldn’t want to see him. He sees his mistakes too big to know how small they are to you. So he runs from good relationships because he thinks he’s already failed them, he thinks he’s already made too many mistakes and he doesn’t deserve that relationship anymore. Maybe he never did. 

And the more faith people put in him the worse this is. People treat Kiryu like he’s a god, a savior. And every time it makes Kiryu’s heart sore. He’s not afraid of his own power; he’s actually fairly confident in his abilities and has a good grasp of their reach. But seeing how much people trust him... it makes every mistake cost more. Kiryu worries because he knows he is human. No matter what anyone else thinks, he’s still just a guy. He sees himself as just a guy, maybe better trained or more gifted than some, but just a normal, mortal, flawed human being like anyone else. He knows he makes mistakes. He knows he will make mistakes again. And what if he makes a mistake that affects you? What if he’s wrong and it fucks you over? And how betrayed your trust is, how your faith in him falters... then you’ll finally see he was never worthy of it to begin with. Then you’ll feel deceived because he couldn’t live up to your expectations. 

Kiryu doesn’t want to hurt you like that, hurt anyone like that. He takes the expectations on him very seriously. He knows you’re only asking because you do need help. He knows you’re very sincere. And he badly wants to do right by you. But if he... if he fucks up, that doesn’t hurt him, it hurts you. And sometimes he can’t bear that. He can’t bear failing people, being responsible for their disappointment and hurt and ruined situation. 

It’s not that Kiryu wants to be reassured that he’s doing okay. People who want reassurance want to do the job they have. Kiryu hates this job. He hates being in the position to save or damn people. He hates the potential of getting it wrong and it mattering so much. And he would rather not help than risk it sometimes. His heart aches every time he’s asked again because that means... there’s no one else. It means he’s still the best you’ve got. And you deserve better, you deserve more than what he is. He’s just some guy and he’s not sure he can be what you need. He doesn’t trust himself to do it right. He wants you to have someone who WILL be there every time, who CAN weather it all. He doesn’t think he can. 

He will still help, because there’s no one else, because he does understand that if he doesn’t worse things will happen. And he’ll become responsible by not having stepped in. But this is why he’s inconsistent, he doesn’t think he can do more, he doesn’t trust himself. And he gets scared of how much people believe in him. 

He really doesn’t think that people could still love him, knowing he’s just some guy. He’s scared that if he isn’t perfect, like he’s supposed to be, like everyone wants him to be... everyone will feel betrayed. So he runs away to Okinawa to do something entirely different. But even then he’s scared of fucking up. He’s taken on all these young lives who depend on him and he’s waiting, he’s just waiting, to have someone tell him he’s a bad father, that he’s failed them, that he’s fucking up. And when that happens, he runs away again, so he won’t hurt them anymore. And because he doesn’t deserve to have relationships that bring him comfort and joy, he doesn’t deserve to feel useful and good, because he isn’t. He’s always been a failure. 

Kiryu carries the pressure on him EXCEEDINGLY well. He almost never breaks down. But he has those break downs. He has anxiety. He worries about fucking up. His confidence curves towards stables, but when he hits a rocky point... he’s unmoored. He’s left without any reassurance that he does know what he’s doing, that he is doing okay, that he hasn’t failed every relationship he’s ever had. People still love him and forgive him and want to be with him. Want to help him try again. 

I might even go so far to say that Kiryu has Imposter Syndrome. He has ex-gifted kid syndrome. Brought up with high expectations and high standards, more talented than his peers, launched into the stratosphere when he was still young, all of his personality moorings ripped away... He’s constantly just trying to be a good person, the best he knows how. And he takes it very, very hard when he falls short of what he was told all his life he could be. He doesn’t believe he ever achieved it.

I love Kiryu. I hope this helped show why.

[princeescaluswords]

Empathy, Intelligence, and Judgment

I wanted to add to this wonderful post by @bigskydreaming​ based on a question by @russianspacegeckosexparty​ about how Dick Grayson and Scott McCall are treated by their respective fandoms (and I suspect that it can be applied to many other characters across media, especially minority characters) and I was struck by a recurring theme, in addition to the racism.

Fandoms (and I would argue, audiences as a whole) expect characters who are empathetic caregivers to only be empathetic caregivers.  They have internalized the idea that only people who ‘don’t understand how the world works’ could practice universal empathy and care.   Thus, if a character cares about everyone to some extent, they have to be stupid.   (I call this the “John Coffey Effect,” but I won’t go into greater detail because it ties back to a weird popular twisting of my religion, but I think you’ll catch my drift without me explaining it.)

Thus, Dick Grayson and Scott McCall can’t be as smart as say Jason Todd or Sidekick Who Shall Not Be Named because they care too much.  If they were smart, they would save their empathy for the people who most sincerely deserve it, i.e. badly behaving white men to whom the fandom is attracted. 

While at the same time, and it is a paradox with which fandom is entirely comfortable, when characters like Dick Grayson and Scott McCall hold someone accountable for their actions, like Dick distancing himself from Bruce or Scott refusing to even consider submitting to Derek, it becomes rank hypocrisy.  How can they claim their position as empathetic caregivers if the amount of empathy and care they give to others is dependent on their evaluation of another’s actions?   

Now,  I haven’t read the Ric Grayson storyline, but I’m pretty sure I know how that song goes.   When Ric’s amnesia limits his empathy for these people trying to push their way into his life (when he’s the one who has gone through an incredible physical and mental ordeal), it’s portrayed as a flaw which he must overcome and the fandom treats it as a betrayal of his relationships.  How dare he put himself first while recovering from a near-death experience and the accompanying mental trauma?  

The same happened on Teen Wolf.  The production presented it as a failure in leadership for Scott to actually believe that Stiles could very much kill someone to protect his father, when there were 68 episodes suggesting that Stiles would be comfortable with killing someone, with Stiles lying, and with Stiles engaging in violent actions to protect his father.  (At the same time having refused to distrust Theo, who has proven his good intentions by helping save every member of the pack, against Stiles’s accusation based solely on a gut feeling.)  

But the production’s punishment was small taters compared to fandom’s wrath.  He was judgmental and a bad friend because of this, just as he was stubborn for not following a man who broke into his bedroom and threatened to kill him and foolish for not letting sixteen-year-olds led by a dumbass to execute his classmates based on a hunch.  These same people hold it against him because he imprisoned Peter in a questionable mental institution after he figured out that he helped Kate transform him into a mindless berserker and because he didn’t rush forward to stop Theo, a person who murdered him, from being dragged to hell by his sister whom Theo also helped murder.  He was the only one who stepped forward, but that’s not enough.

At the end of the Green Mile, John Coffey is confronted by one of the prison guards who is in charge of executing him for a crime he didn’t commit.  The guard (wonderfully played by Tom Hanks) complains about how he didn’t know how he was going to live with himself for executing an innocent person, and John Coffey forgives him and tells him it’s okay.  The scene is excruciating in its trite moralizing, but that’s the type of behavior that the audience wants from empathetic caregivers, especially minority empathetic caregivers, to emulate.   

I still like the ending, because it implies that the guard is punished for this decision by God or the universe or what-have-you by living long enough to see everyone he loves die while he lingers on.

If the minority character doesn’t, if they have limits, if they reject the selfishness of others, they’re hypocritical judgmental assholes.  See how that works?