#i understand why they broke up but also. obsessed. very clearly exes who are still in love but just couldnt make it work so now they're

[lautakwah]

SHE'S LIVING IN THE FLAT HE BOUGHT FOR 1M HKD????? THEY'VE BROKEN UP AGES AGO BUT SHES STILL LIVING IN HIS FLAT?????

[n-evermores]

“Besides, you’re still in love with your old girlfriend.”

Let’s talk about this trope. I see this often with older male characters, and my only question is why? It’s so tiring and honestly, a little silly. And this is not me trying to diminish real feelings that teenagers can have. Many people marry their high school sweethearts and live long happy lives together. But you also grow together and build a life with one another. It’s very different.

If my math is correct, Joy and Parker dated when they were 15/16 years old. They went their separate ways their junior year of high school so they were probably 16 when they broke up. Our brains don’t fully develop until we’re about 26. Parker and Joy, even at 21, would be very different people from who they were at 16, and even more so at 26. They’re like 60 now. It’s safe to say they are strangers at this point.

This trope is so unhealthy to me, and usually painted as romantic by writers. Him not able to have a healthy long lasting relationships with women because he’s still obsessed with his high school girlfriend is not romantic. One could argue it's toxic. Honestly he needs therapy because this has to be some form of trauma. Yet, the writers love using women for male pain, and this isn’t any different. You’ll never see them write a female character incapable of having an adult relationship because they can’t get over their old flame, because they don’t use men as plot devices like they do with women.

It’s like when ALL of Gibbs’ relationships and marriages failed because he couldn’t move past Shannon. I totally understand this for him because they built a life together and had a child, (but it’s still unhealthy) As we get older the way we love changes. We mature and so does the way we love and how we love matures with us. There’s no reason Viv had to compete with a ghost from his teenage years. It’s downright silly and kind of unrealistic if we’re being honest.

I love Joy as a character and I love the actress. I feel like the writers need an excuse to prevent Parker from being happy just as they did with Gibbs. And I hate that. A part of me wishes they used Joy’s actress as Viv (I wasn’t too fond of the actress they used. Perhaps it was the way she was written or portrayed, but I’m not a fan), and just gave us a slow burn of him getting back with his ex wife of many years. I feel like that’s the direction they were originally going in until they retconned it with the Joy plot line.

And when Constance broke up with Parker, I felt sad for him, and then suddenly she hits us with the “you’re still in love with your old girlfriend” line, and I just eye rolled so hard. Like why? It’s so stupid. It pulled me out of the story and I love Parker, I do, but it kind of ruins his character for me just a little. It’s just weird. Like you were a child when you loved her, you haven’t seen her since you were 16. Move on, my guy. Move on. I just know a man wrote this into his story, that or I want to know who’s 14 year old child went into the writing room and suggested it. Because it’s silly.

Also just to reiterate that they usually don’t do this with women: Joy herself is a good example. When Parker asked if she was over him, we never saw her response. Clearly, that conversation didn't go in his favor because nothing came from it. Most likely, she rejected him. However they did allow Jimmy to fall in love again and be in a healthy happy relationship after his wife died, but Parker can't get over a girl he dated at 16? It's just a badly written plot and a trope that needs to die. It's not romantic, its not cute. I'm not sitting at my tv and going, “awww, he's stuck in his past which is preventing him from having healthy long lasting relationship, so sweet and romantic.” Yuck no.

Also please note this is not me hating on Parker. He is one of my favorite fictional characters ever. I adore him. This is just me complaining about NCIS writers. I love the show to pieces, but when it comes to characters like Parker and Gibbs, they love to throw these toxic tropes at us. One of those tropes being unbridled anger = masculinity (hello old wounds.) Anyway. Rant over ha ha.

TL;DR: Unless you have an unhealthy obsession, real people don't stay in love with the person they dated at 16, especially after 40-something years. That person would be so far from your mind. It's unrealistic and I wish writers would stop using this trope to prevent characters from happiness or having any healthy long-lasting relationships.

[absolutepokemontrash]

MC is Half Demon and Blah Blah Blah-

Time for the Group Retreat!

Part 1 Part 2 Lessons 1-5 Lessons 5-6 Lessons 10-12 Lessons 13-15 Part 3 Part 4

I’m quite hyped for this one, ladies, gents, and esteemed readers! For simplicity’s sake, since this is before M!MC and A!MC arrive, L!MC will go back to being referred to as just MC. Enjoy the Headcanons!

Since the previous Underground Tomb incident ended much less violently, Lucifer is now more worried than angry about MC’s rampant shennaniganery.

Like... his kid was poking holes in his totally foolproof “Your cow-uncle went to live on a farm in the human world” story. What if MC somehow got into the attic and got hurt?!

It didn’t help that they were still in this weird phase of their father/child relationship. On one hand, Lucifer obviously cares for his kid, and his kid likes him... but it’s also only been less than three months and we all know how emotionally constipated Lucifer is.

MC’s also getting REAL sus of all the secrets their dear old dad is keeping... doesn’t help that they STILL haven’t went up into the attic.

Anyhoo~ the announcement for the retreat was a barrel of laughs.

“I’m proposing, a group retreat!”

Everyone met Diavolo’s announcement with the exact same confused reaction. It’s like the entire assembly hall was doing the ‘Guy Blinking’ meme.

“A... group retreat?” Lucifer repeated slowly. “For what reason exactly, Lord Diavolo?”

The Crown Prince was giddy with excitement as he explained. “MC told me about their middle school overnight trip and it sounded like it would be quite fun!”

Simeon, Luke, MC, and Solomon were all seated next to each other in the ‘exchange student seats of less importance’. Luke leaned over and whispered a question to MC.

“Why are you so friendly with the crown prince?”

MC smirked and shrugged. “Lucifer had the Demon-Flu and couldn’t go meet with Lord Diavolo last week so I went for him. Lord Diavolo’s surprisingly bad at Connect Four but has really good luck in Snakes and Ladders.”

Luke’s jaw dropped in complete and utter shock and horror.

“We’re playing CandyLand and the Game of Life next time, want to come?” MC added.

“Play CandyLand... with him..?” Luke looked at Diavolo, who was still explaining his plan for the retreat, then looked back at MC. “I’ll only go to shield you from his corrupting influence.”

“Yeah... Corrupting...” MC had to hold back a laugh at the thought of Diavolo, who during MC’s visit lit up like a Christmas tree upon being called ‘Dia’ and believed that Mood Rings were the greatest human invention ever, being a corrupting influence.

“MC! Torture dungeon or no!?” MC was snapped out of their conversation by Mammon shouting at them from his seat.

“What?”

“Do ya think there’s a torture dungeon under the castle, or not?”

“I’m not sure,” MC turned to Diavolo. “Lord Diavolo, is there a torture dungeon under the Demon Lord’s Castle?”

There is in fact, no torture dungeon. Presumably...

Everyone packed up and headed out to the Demon Lord’s Castle!

The fabulous seven all broke several speed limits and traffic laws in order to be there early. Listen, they had to get there before Purgatory Hall, it was a matter of pride.

Besides, what’s the Royal guard going to do? Arrest six of the seven rulers of hell and a kid? Ha. No. Not when Diavolo controls their paychecks.

The rooming situation remained the same, Asmo, Simeon, and MC were roomed together, and MC got to watch Asmo get psychologically profiled by Simeon. It was truly a sight to behold.

MC was nice enough to assure Asmo that they really liked him and thought he was very sweet.

Asmo, not used to being complimented on his personality, almost started openly weeping.

So, the tour of the Demon Lord’s Castle began! Asmo got yelled at by his ex in the painting and the usual batch of idiots got sucked into the catacombs under the castle.

Lucifer wasn’t terribly sure how or if he should express his concern for MC being stuck in the labyrinth.

All these new fatherly feelings of worry are very very odd. He didn’t worry this much for Satan, mainly because Satan was usually the threat.

Even as a baby...

Lucifer found himself checking his DDD every few minutes to see if MC had texted or called from wherever the painting dragged them to, never mind that if they did text he’d hear the phone ding.

“Lucifer, don’t worry too much,” Diavolo patted Lucifer on the shoulder, a bright smile on his face. “Your brothers and MC will be perfectly fine! There’s nothing too dangerous in the catacombs that they wouldn’t be able to take care of.”

Resigning himself to the fact that MC was under the care of his last choices for babysitting, Lucifer put away his DDD. “I know they’ll be fine, but I’m not overly pleased with the situation.” He shot a glare at Helene in the portrait, who rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

“Lucifer worrying about someone, I’m truly, genuinely shocked.” Hearing Satan’s attempt at goading him, Lucifer, flawless demon that he is, resisted the urge to throw his DDD at his brother.

“Quiet, Satan.”

————

“WHY THE FUCK IS A SNAKE DOWN HERE?!”

“ITS HENRY 1.0!”

“YEAH THAT REALLY CLEARS STUFF UP, LEVI!”

MC and Levi continued their screaming match as the group ran for dear life from a giant snake.

Yeah... nothing the brothers couldn’t handle... sure, Lord Diavolo...

They made it out of the scary catacombs... don’t worry.

Lucifer did that parent-thing where he cleaned the catacomb dust off MC’s face with a napkin.

Yay! Parenting!

Failed pillow fight attempt #1 happened that evening. Because Mammon was obsessed with being the fun-uncle and saw his brothers encroaching on his place as favourite uncle.

MC doesn’t know how to break it to him that he’ll probably always be the favourite uncle and he doesn’t have to be such a dumbass to keep his spot.

Scavenger hunt went on as canon dictates.

Asmo had his diva tantrum and stormed off, but MC also wanted to win so they didn’t go after him.

Clearly expecting someone to go beg him to come back, Asmo was very annoyed when no one went after him.

“Um, helloooo? Anyone going to comfort me~?”

“Nope.”

“Well I don’t want your comfort anyway, SOLOMON.”

It was very close, L!MC insisted their loss came from sabotage. No evidence was found but just LOOK at Satan’s face.

Time for the Formal Dance~

If you’re wondering why Luke didn’t say anything when MC was suddenly poofed into their demon form, you’re assuming that Mammon wasn’t in on the “let’s prank the chihuahua” plan.

“Mammon..? Is MC behind you?”

“Nope! Why?”

MC was able to get to the other side of the ballroom with Luke none the wiser! Hell yeah, nothing like screwing with your friend!

So it’s canon that Lucifer is like, a solid 20/10, therefore MC is ADORABLE. What I’m saying is, some of the younger demons asked them to dance.

Asmo was also being MC’s hype man, which was very nice of him. Mammon also tried to give advice on how to be cool and suave. Beel was there for moral support.

“Alright kiddo, you need to be aloof and mysterious! People love aloof and mysterious, that’s why I’m so popular.”

“Don’t listen to him, MC. He flew into a wall as a kid and it killed all his brain cells. Just be proper but not snooty, sweet but not saccharine, friendly but not annoying,”

“Ask them if they want to share some of the hors d’oeuvres.” 

“Okay, first, aloof and mysterious are the last words I would ever use to describe you, Mammon. Second, Asmo I have no clue what you’re asking me to do. Third... Beel that’s the best advice I’ve received in recent memory.”

None of that mattered anyway because MC got swarmed with dance offers.

“Well,” MC smirked and held out their hand at the demon that was bold enough to ask them to dance first. “I admire the confidence.”

The demon’s smile brightened, then dropped completely when their gaze drifted behind MC. “I uh... on second thought... I’m gonna...”

MC’s potential dance partners all quickly scattered to the snack table. The half demon growled and turned around to see their father acting like he didn’t just scare away MC’s groupies.

“Father! What was that for?!” MC huffed, Lucifer rolled his eyes and grabbed MC’s wrist and began to pull them away from the dance floor.

“You’re too young to dance.”

“That’s crazy! They looked like they were my age.” MC protested, their wings fluttering in annoyance.

“Even if they looked to be your age, MC, they’re hundreds of years older.” Lucifer said calmly.

“What about that equivalent age stuff you told me about? Like how Luke is hundreds of years old but by angel/human standards he’s technically younger than me?”

“That doesn’t matter right now.” Lucifer lightly pushed MC towards the hallway that led back to their room.

“But I want to dance with someone!” MC felt their wings involuntarily fluff up.

Lucifer turned and smiled at his dear little brat, crouching slightly to get to their level. “Not on my watch.”

MC’s face was literally this: >:0

Lucifer is out here being the dad in every comedy that involves someone bringing home their partner to meet their parents.

MC was banished to their room, they spent their time angrily reading the manga they had packed.

When Levi escaped the party slightly later MC grilled him for details of what went on after they left.

“Nothing too interesting... except... um...”

“Spit it out, Levi!”

“...lrddiavlondlucferdnced”

“I can’t understand you, stop mumbling.”

“Lord Diavolo and Lucifer danced together...”

“...”

“...”

“I MISSED THAT?!”

So yes, MC’s desire to get a picture of Lucifer sleeping stems from VENGEANCE!

How DARE their father send MC up to their room and make them miss their OTP dancing together!?

So they call up their troupe of idiots and get ready to go be menaces to society.

MC also invites along Asmo because he seemed like he could use the adventure.

And because MC couldn’t plan the prank without Asmo noticing so it was better to just implicate him as well...

“Grrr...”

MC brightened and clapped their hands. “I know that growl!”

“It’s not my stomach, I packed snacks.” MC couldn’t see this, considering the room was pitch black (it must’ve been some kind of magic because demons have excellent night vision), but Beel waved a bag of chips in the air and got to eating.

“No, I’m not talking about your stomach, Beel.” MC skipped towards the source of the growling despite Mammon and Levi’s pleas for them to stop.

Ah! There he was!

“Cerberus!” MC cooed, the three headed dog stopped growling and barked happily. “Whose a good boy? Is it you?”

Cerberus let lose a bark that would probably make anyone crap their pants, but MC giggled and kept petting him. “Yeah! You’re the good boy! You like cuddles! Yes you do! Yes you do!”

A flash of light from a camera caused MC to drop their baby talk voice and stare angrily in the direction where the light came from.

“Whoever took that picture better delete it or I’m going to feed you to the dog.”

Cerberus growled in agreement. What a good boy.

“Well, as nice as this is...” Asmo huffed. “We’ve clearly been duped because this is not Lucifer and Diavolo’s room.”

“Oh well!” MC chirped and continued to pet the three headed dog. “Look at the doggy!”

“MC, you’re crazy. Dontcha ever forget that.” Mammon whimpered as Cerberus growled at him.

So yeah, they couldn’t get out of the room, so they ended up opening up the other door and falling into the catacombs like a bunch of lemmings.

Asmo charmed Henry, and they got out of the labyrinth no problem.

Yay! No consequences! Oh no- hi Lucifer.

Lucifer gave them all the mother of all lectures. Satan showed up with the rest of the gang and brought popcorn.

Belphie wasn’t there, okay? Satan needed to be a little shit for him.

Ah yes, the pillow fight... Mammon’s crusade to be the best uncle culminated in a massive pillow fight that ended with MC, Lucifer, and Diavolo standing over everyone’s unconscious bodies.

So they uh... won the pillow fight.

MC couldn’t sleep. They legitimately couldn’t. As exhausting as the pillow fight victory had been, everyone was snoring, and MC was bleary eyed and awake at one in the morning.

They eventually sat up and looked around, Asmo was passed out in a very unflattering position, Solomon was chanting god knows what in his sleep, Levi was half hanging off Simeon’s bed, Simeon and Luke were sleeping like angels (hehehehe-), Beel was in the middle of eating his pillow in his sleep, Mammon appeared to be dreaming about winning the lottery, and Satan was... suspiciously absent.

He was there a minute ago... weird.

Deciding that this wasn’t worth it and they should just go sleep somewhere else, MC got out of bed and avoided stepping on anyone as they vacated the room.

The Demon Lord’s Castle at night could rival the House of Lamentation in terms of overall creepiness. MC had gotten used to the spirits and curses that littered their home, but they had only been to the Demon Lord’s Castle once before, so they were extra careful not to accidentally touch anything. Their stomach rumbled and they frowned.

Damn, they had the midnight munchies... they needed a snack.

MC made their way to the kitchen and on there way, noticed a peculiar room through a half open door. Taking a few steps back to peek into it, they noticed... doors. A lot of doors. And ivy covered steps. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to any of the placements, and the room was... weirdly chilly.

“You can come in if you’d like, MC.”

Barbatos’ voice nearly caused MC to hit a high note that they hadn’t been able to hit since their voice began to change. They straightened out their wrinkled pyjamas and stepped inside.

The butler himself was walking down one of the flights of stairs.

“Um...” Quickly remembering their manners, MC straightened their posture and cleared their throat. “Good evening Barbatos.”

Barbatos smiled and inclined his head in turn. “Good evening to you as well, MC.”

“How did you know it was me outside? You were up there a second ago.” MC asked.

“It’s a part of my powers. I can see possible futures, and I foresaw you passing by my room and getting curious.” Barbatos explained.

“Oh,” MC said, half nodding and continuing to look around. A the sound of a door closing out of MC’s vision made them squeak and look around for the source of the noise. “What was that?!”

“It’s nothing to be worried about.” Barbatos raised his hands in a placating gesture. “These doors in my room are gateways to different timelines and some are gateways into the past of this particular timeline. That was another version of me passing by.”

“Does this... happen often?” MC knitted their eyebrows.

Barbatos hesitated before answering. “Not really. It’s quite rare. Lord Diavolo has expressly forbidden me from using my full powers freely.”

“Ah... makes sense...”

“Now, I believe you came down for snacks?”

MC blinked in surprise. “How did you- oh... the time magic...”

“Yes, the time magic. Now, would you prefer yogurt and fruit, or apples and peanut butter?”

“Yogurt and fruit please!”

I’m sure MC’s knowledge of how Barbie’s room works will totally not come into play later. I’m sure.

Solomon and MC graced the brunch table with their cooking. I think you can guess how it would have turned out if Barbatos hadn’t intervened.

Rest In Peace to Beel’s tastebuds.

Anyway, the rest of the retreat was all fun and good.

MC may or may not have slipped up and called Diavolo ‘Dia’ in front of Lucifer. It would’ve sparked a lecture if Dia’s puppy-like excitement wasn’t so damn adorable.

Lucifer’s got a heart... somewhere... it’s probably all shrivelled up and tiny, but I’m sure it’s there.

Everyone went back home, brought closer together through... pillow fights and surviving Solomon’s cooking I guess..?

Anyway, MC got home, unpacked their stuff, watched Kakegurui with Levi and Mammon, let Asmo paint their nails, made and ate dinner with Beel, continued their piano lessons with Lucifer, and received a 100% fake smile from Satan.

It was a nice day with their new family, MC curled up in their bed and prepared to go to sleep.

“Help me!”

MC lurched upwards in their bed, whipping their head from side to side, trying to find the source of the voice. Their room was completely empty, the perks of being half demon extended to being able to see in the dark. No new smells either, they were alone in the room.

Auditory hallucinations were common before falling asleep after being sleep deprived, creepy, but not too unusual.

“MC!”

Okay- that one couldn’t be ignored. It was common knowledge that the House of Lamentation was definitely haunted in some capacity, but the ghosts never really bothered the demons living inside, MC was partly convinced that some of the ghosts didn’t even notice that the demons were there. So it couldn’t have been a ghost calling their name.

“MC! I need help!”

The voice reverberated through their head, like it was trying to hit every part of their skull to make sure it was at least felt if MC couldn’t hear it. MC massaged their scalp and got out of bed.

The House of Lamentation at night truly lived up to its haunted reputation. Cold, clammy, dark, even by demon standards. No spooky old house was going to scare MC though, they walked down the hall with their head held high.

They walked closer to walls and furniture, knowing that the floor was less likely to creak in those areas. How did they know that? Mammon had told them it worked like a charm. Well, it’d work better for him if he stopped tripping over the furniture and alerting Lucifer.

MC was much more nimble and careful, stepping slowly and lightly around the hallways until they reached the door to the attic. They reached out to clasp their hand around the doorknob, then froze. It smelled like…

Oh no.

MC leapt away from the door like it was rigged to explode if they touched it and practically dove for cover into an alcove. The all too-recent smell of Lucifer’s fancy cologne and the increasing sound of someone coming down the stairs made them clamp their hand over their mouth and crouch down.

What was their father doing up there?

He had said the attic was full of old junk and there was no reason to go up there, so why exactly did he-

The door slammed open and Lucifer stomped down the hallway back towards his room, MC presumed. They were about to let out a sigh of relief when the footsteps paused. MC felt their heart drop right into their gut when they heard the footsteps coming back in their direction.

What were they going to say to him when he found them? ‘Sorry! This isn’t where the bathrooms are!’ The last thing MC wanted was to add to their father’s ever growing list of stresses. MC was totally responsible and grown-up, their father didn’t need to worry.

MC clamped their eyes shut and tried to slow their heart rate. Demons were beings of darkness and shadow, they could blend in quite easily. They took a deep breath, cleared their head, and felt the shadows of the hallway shift and cover them like a blanket.

Lucifer’s footsteps stopped, MC heard a tired sigh, then the footsteps started up again, this time in the direction of his room.

They allowed themselves a sigh of relief before relieving themselves of their hiding space and opening the door leading to the attic staircase.

If the rest of the House of Lamentation was considered clammy, cold, and foreboding, the attic staircase was that multiplied by a factor of twelve. MC felt themselves shudder involuntarily when they stepped closer to the staircase. Every primal part of their brain was telling them to turn around and walk away, but one tiny part was holding them back. They placed their foot on the first step, waiting for any kind of resistance, nothing other than the feeling of passing through invisible cobwebs.

“MC?”

Upon hearing their name, MC craned their neck to try and get a look at what could be waiting for them at the top of the stairs.

“Are you coming, or not?”

The cascade of warning sirens that began to blare in MC’s head went ignored as they continued to scale the staircase.

When they reached the final step, they were met with a long hallway, with a single door on the right side of the wall.

“H-hello?” MC tried to instill some force into their voice, but it still ended up quavering a little.

“Down here.” Someone knocked on the wall next to the door, almost causing MC to jump.

Oh. Oh no. MC stood straight in front of the door, and when they saw who was looking back at them they nearly passed out.

“Belphegor..?”

Belphegor’s eyes flashed as he gave MC a once over. His eyes narrowed when his gaze snapped to MC’s. The analytical expression melted into a lazy grin.

“That’s me,” he said softly. “Nice to finally meet you, MC.”

[onlydylanobrien]

Dylan O'Brien - NME Magazine Interview

Dylan O’Brien: “I was in this transitional phase – close to a quarter-life crisis”

From YA heartthrob to legitimate leading man – how the 'Maze Runner' star hit his stride after a whirlwind decade

Definitely!” hoots Dylan O’Brien when NME asks if he still has to audition. “I’m not Tom fucking Hanks, bro.” He’s clearly amused by our question, but forgive us for thinking the 29-year-old actor gets cast on reputation alone. A decade into his career, and he’s making an impressive transition from teen TV star and YA franchise hero to charismatic leading man.

New York-born O’Brien cut his teeth on MTV’s hit Teen Wolf series, before landing the lead in the Maze Runner film trilogy based on James Dashner’s hugely popular novels. Leading a band of bright young things that included ex-Skins tearaway Kaya Scodelario, Game Of Thrones’ Thomas Brodie-Sangster and Will Poulter, he honed his craft while racking up nearly a billion dollars at the box office. “My career is a constant acting class,” says O’Brien. “To be able to do the Maze Runner movies simultaneously with Teen Wolf was amazing in terms of getting in reps and working my [acting] muscle.”

Now for the sometimes tricky bit. Many actors struggle with the post-breakout period, but O’Brien is making it look easy so far. This year’s Netflix hit Love and Monsters proved he can carry an old-school family adventure, and new film Flashback (out next week) reveals an appetite for weirder, more cerebral work. He stars as Fred Fitzell, a young man reluctant to buckle down to life as a nine-to-fiver with a boring corporate job and a long-term girlfriend (Mindhunter‘s Hannah Gross). When he runs into a freaky-looking acquaintance from his teenage years, Fred becomes obsessed with finding an old high-school friend he used to drop a mind-bending experimental drug called Mercury with. It’s difficult to say any more without entering spoiler territory, but Flashback is a wild ride underpinned by the idea that we can exist in several realities at once. Even if you follow every plot twist, you might not fully understand the end. “Oh, it’s definitely a headfuck,” O’Brien agrees. “There’s not totally an answer to figure out. There’s a lot of different things that people can take from it.”

Speaking over Zoom from his LA home, O’Brien is bright, thoughtful and really good fun to talk to, especially when he relaxes into the interview, but he clearly knows where his line between public and private lies. When he first read the Flashback script, written by the film’s director Christopher MacBride, his “mind was blown” by just how much he related to Fred. “I felt like I was in this transitional phase of my life that was, you know, sort of close to a quarter-life crisis type thing,” he says. “For whatever reason, it was like me and this script were meant to be. I remember reading it and thinking: ‘I am this guy right now.'”

“There were a lot of things in my personal life that were neglected for a while”

When we ask why O’Brien felt as though he had reached a “transitional phase”, he gives an answer that’s vague but not exactly evasive. For understandable reasons, he doesn’t mention the incredibly traumatic motorcycle accident he sustained while shooting the final Maze Runner film in March 2016. O’Brien suffered severe trauma to the brain and said in 2017 that he underwent extensive facial reconstructive surgery after the accident “broke most of the right side of my face”. Tellingly, he’s never really revealed what happened on set or how it affected him.

Today, O’Brien dances around the details of the accident and other issues he was dealing with at the time, but doesn’t shy away from discussing his inner conflict. “You know, it was a lot of personal things combined with at-a-point-in-my-career things,” he says after a brief pause. He says he’d have been going through some of this stuff anyway, simply because of his age, but it sounds as though success intensified it all. “It was like this whole fucking storm of shit,” he continues. “I was simultaneously so fulfilled and happy about these, like, otherworldly and surreal things that I had experienced in terms of where my career had brought me. I had all this confidence and fulfilment and beautiful people [in my life] – such amazing things to experience at a young age. But at the same time, there were a lot of things in my personal life that were unchecked and sort of neglected for a while.”

O’Brien says that in time, he realised he had to “stop for a second” and “re-explore how I wanted my life to look going forward”. In fairness, you can see why he needed a breather: his career took off while he was still a teenager. After his family moved from New Jersey to Los Angeles County when he was 12, O’Brien contemplated a career as a sports broadcaster – his Twitter bio still bills him as a “no longer suffering Mets fan” – then began posting YouTube videos as moviekidd826. A funny, slickly edited skit titled ‘How to Prepare for the SAT in 45 seconds’, shared when he was just 17, shows he was a born performer and storyteller. YouTube success led to him getting a manager, but his breakthrough role in Teen Wolf still came out of the blue. At the time, he was treading water at a local community college and taking auditions on the side.

Still, he has since taken a rather fatalistic view of this career-making moment. “It’s totally weird because, when I think about it now, I don’t see how it could have happened any other way. I can’t picture myself doing anything else now,” he told Collider in 2011. “It was really sudden and a little random, and not provoked by anything. It was just out of nowhere. It wasn’t my intentional doing.” Today, O’Brien summarises his skyscraper career trajectory succinctly. “I guess I just graduated high school and started acting,” he says. “And then I felt like I was just flying by the seat of my pants and never got a chance to stop.” Thankfully, straight-out-the-blocks Hollywood success hasn’t taken away his sense of perspective. When I say how easy social media makes it to compare yourself unfavourably to others, O’Brien jumps in: “Yeah, that’s very true. I was watching the Billie Eilish doc the other day, and I was like, I’ve done nothing. I’m not an artist at all!”

“No one thought ‘Love and Monsters’ was going to be good!”

O’Brien is also self-deprecating when he talks about being cast in Flashback, suggesting it happened because he had such an intense connection with Fred. “I was honestly like, ‘Who is watching me right now?’ That is the best way I can describe how I was feeling when I came across this script,” he says. “Chris [MacBride, director] and I had this conversation that went so well in terms of [my] understanding this script that I think he’d sent around a lot and [that] very commonly wasn’t understood. I think Chris has even said that the night before shooting, he suddenly had this thought, like, ‘Wait, do I even think he’s a good actor?'”

Though O’Brien has firmly ring-fenced elements of his private life, he’s actually pretty frank about his acting vehicles. He readily admits he was expecting a snobbish response to Love and Monsters, a CGI-heavy hybrid of post-apocalyptic action and romcom that dropped on Netflix in April and topped the streamer’s daily most-watched list. “It means so much that Love and Monsters has gotten the response that it’s gotten,” O’Brien says. “No one thought this movie was going to be good.” His blunt honesty makes me laugh out loud. “No one did though!” he says in response. “And so, fuck that. You know, most of the people who say something to me about the movie, they’re like: ‘I watched Love and Monsters, and it was… good?’ And honestly, that just cracks me up.” For obvious reasons, we hastily decide not to share our response to the film – namely, that it was a whole lot better than expected.

In Love and Monsters, O’Brien plays Joel, a survivor of a so-called “monsterpocalypse” that has bumped humans to the bottom of the food chain. Though he’s known in his colony as a bit of a coward, Joel sets off on a treacherous 80-mile journey to find his high school sweetheart Aimee (Iron Fist‘s Jessica Henwick), which means evading the hungry clutches of various supersize grizzlies including a giant monster-frog hiding in a suburban pond. It’s a simple but pretty out-there premise that wouldn’t work if O’Brien’s performance was even slightly condescending. Instead, his unselfconscious sincerity really sells a film that has as much in common with the family-oriented Robin Williams movie Night at the Museum as darker fare like The Walking Dead.

His obvious affection for the project really comes across during our interview today. “When I read the script, I just thought it was so sweet and funny and smart and unique, but at the same time reminiscent of all these movies that don’t really get made any more,” he says. That’s a fair point: Love and Monsters is neither a fail-safe superhero movie nor a slice of classy Oscar bait. “And when they were talking about how to market this movie, it was so funny hearing all these conversations like, ‘How do we actually get people to watch it?'” he adds. “But that’s a big part of the reason I wanted to do this movie: because it felt like something I missed seeing.”

“I’m lucky to be surrounded by people who want to make something out of love”

So in a way, Love and Monsters was a risk for an actor seeking to establish himself outside of a bankable movie franchise and a hit TV show. O’Brien has only made four films since his final Maze Runner outing in 2018, and insists he hasn’t been tactical with his choices. “I don’t have anyone saying, ‘We need to get you in an Oscar vehicle’, or any of that kind of shit,” he says. “I’m really lucky to be surrounded by people who think like me: that you should do what you’re drawn to, and make something out of love.”

He’s recently finished shooting a mysterious crime thriller called The Outfit in London with Mark Rylance. Directed and co-written by Graham Moore, who won an Oscar for his screenplay to Alan Turing biopic The Imitation Game, O’Brien calls it “quite possibly one of the most special pieces of writing I’ve ever experienced”. He first read the script on a plane and says he “actually stood up and clapped” when he got to the end. Considering O’Brien probably wasn’t flying Ryanair, this reaction presumably attracted a few baffled glances.

Anyway, it must be pretty intimidating walking onto set with Rylance, a multi-award-winning actor revered by his peers – Al Pacino once said he “speaks Shakespeare as if it was written for him the night before” – but it sounds as though O’Brien took it all in stride. He says he’s confident in his abilities, but admits to having a slight wobble whenever he begins a new project. “I’m always sort of re-questioning everything – like, ‘Can I even act?'” he says. “But I think there’s something very natural about that. I think even Rylance could relate to that feeling. Acting is like starting a new year at school every single time.”

At this point in his career, O’Brien has made peace with the fact that some people will have preconceptions about him based on what he’s known for: Maze Runner and Teen Wolf. “People will put you in a box no matter what,” he says. “There was definitely a time when that would get to me, especially when it felt like somebody had a perspective on me that in my soul, I just felt wasn’t accurate.” Still, there’s no doubt he wants to show us what’s really in his soul with more films like Flashback. “If anything,” he adds bullishly, “it just makes me think: ‘Right, I’m really gonna show them now’.”

‘Flashback’ is out on digital platforms from June 4

[daughterofanarcissistwoman]

Trauma Bonding

(The writer here refers to an ex but this applies to familial relationships as well.)

You may feel pretty crazy over there in your trauma bonded trance for someone who mistreated you, but know there are people actually eating dirt out there and making more sense than some of the well-meaning advice I heard while I was getting over various forms of heartbreak.

We are told to stop fixating, face the fear of moving on, focus on yourself, and that time heals all wounds. When in fact, the symptoms of a traumatic reaction to a trauma bond make these very things feel nearly impossible.

What’s more, when taken in the context of trauma bonding, prolonged grief over the loss of a relationship is far from irrational, even when that relationship was a toxic one. If you feel more stunned and immobilized as time wears on, this is the reaction of your organism actually working to protect you from a perceived, ongoing threat.

You are not “crazy”.

Your body’s physiological state is just trying to communicate with you in a way that you may not quite understand yet.

There are people all over the world who experience cravings for dirt or clay. This is called geophagy and clearly sounds so insane that people feel ashamed to admit their cravings. Yet research has found that these cravings may indicate a lack in bodily mineral content or may function as the body’s protective response to pathogens in pregnant women or children. The content of dirt or clay may serve as a protective barrier in the stomach.

What may FEEL mentally and physiologically irrational, actually makes sense. This does not mean that anemic people should make themselves a nice dirt snack with their coffee this afternoon. It does mean that feeling estranged, ashamed, and ignoring the REALITY of the craving, without looking further into what it indicates, will never resolve their organism’s unmet need.

What is trauma bonding?

I only started to understand trauma bonding when I stopped feeling ashamed and started trusting my body’s own physiological messengers.

Breaking a trauma bond can feel agonizing. What’s the point of trying to accept the reality of a toxic relationship, go no contact, and try to move on with your life when you only feel worse as time wears on?

Breaking a trauma bond comes with intense withdrawal symptoms, flashbacks, cravings for the toxic person, compulsive thoughts about what happened, and an anxious state that may make you feel like you are going backward, without abate.

This is going to sound counterintuitive at first, but these very symptoms are confirmation that staying away from the toxic relationship is absolutely imperative to your health. This is because trauma resides as a physiological response to a perceived threat. Your organism knows and reacts, at the core, gut, and instinctual level, when a person or situation is harmful.

And while you may be fully consciously aware NOW that you are no longer in the relationship, your body is still registering an ongoing threat. This is manifesting in symptoms that certainly make you feel like you are going “crazy” — or maybe even make you feel as if you were never meant to stay away in the first place.

But all this DOES NOT mean that your body is trying to indicate to you that you are forever cosmically tied to that dirtbag who mistreated you, used you, and broke your heart. It means that the trauma that may have occurred before the relationship, during the relationship, and when the relationship ended, continues to live inside of you. It continues to live as a memory and echo that has no orientation to time and place.

You are feeling this way because, physiologically, you still don’t feel safe.

You will NOT be the person who longs for the person who mistreated you forever. But it’s going to be hard to get there if your strategy is to grit your teeth, brace yourself, and steel even more energy in trying to fight your body’s frantic physiological responses to the trauma in the trauma bond, through sheer will, when you are already frozen in emergency mode.

Stay with me. I’ll explain.

We look into trauma bonding as a way to explain, romanticize, and decode the characteristics of a relationship that feels or once felt so precious.

Here’s the gut-punch that usually gets lost —when you’re in a trauma bond, and the bond “breaks,” the trauma remains.

If you’re a cookie in an Oreo and the other cookie leaves, guess who is stuck with what seems like even more trauma filling than you started with?

This “trauma filling” can help to explain why your mind, body, and soul are registering a frenetic, obsessive, red level, emergency breaker craving for a toxic ex, toxic relationship, or situation.

The Trauma Bond

The reason for this hyper-aroused-anxiety-trance lies in some part to the nature of trauma bonding itself. Trauma bonds are formed when your organism registers that you are in danger.

According to “The Betrayal Bond,” a book written by Patrick Carnes, who developed this concept, “trauma bonds are the dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation. Trauma bonds occur when we are bonding to the very person who is the source of danger, fear, and exploitation.” They involve seduction, betrayal, and high intensity.

They also involve a seemingly endless sense of helplessness and hopelessness. Carnes wrote, “This type of bonding does not facilitate recovery and resilience but rather undermines those very qualities within us.”

Throughout the relationship, your organism assessed the threat and continuously mobilized energy for you to fight or flee. Yet the trauma in trauma bonding creates a cyclical, repetitive cycle that contains your ability to protect yourself, trust yourself, feel your body’s physiological reactions or evolve out of your current state, even when your partner is gone.

Instead of fighting or fleeing, you remain frozen and clinging with an “insane level of loyalty, to an impossible, unresolvable, toxic, overwhelming, or cosmically doomed bond.” A person chained to this type of bond “disbelieves the obvious and accepts the impossible.”

The following are some signs of trauma bonding, which I’ve adapted from Carnes:

• When you continue to be fixated on people who hurt you and who are no longer in your life.

• When you crave contact with someone who has hurt you and who you know will cause you more pain.

• When you continue to revolve around people who you know are taking advantage of you or exploiting you.

• When you are committed to remaining loyal to someone who has betrayed you, even though their actions indicate few signs of change.

• When you are desperate to be understood, validated, or needed by those who have indicated they do not care about you.

• When you go to great lengths to continue to help, caretake, or consider people who have been destructive to you.

These types of relationships capitalize on old wounds and previous traumas.

As a bigger and separate topic, there are a lot of reasons for why we may be vulnerable to trauma bonding, to begin with, including a deep desire to heal a prior hurt. We do this by subconsciously recreating the prior situation, down to the very exploitative, dangerous, or shameful elements that existed in the prior trauma. Down to the type of toxic, emotionally unavailable, or developmentally stunted person in the prior situation.

The reasons why we get into these types of bonds, the reasons we stay, and the reasons why we can’t let them go are interrelated, and at least one thing remains the same: our body stores these memories physiologically, without a time or date stamp. The memories can make us feel like we are in an endless cycle of trauma and pain, with or without the relationship.

The Trauma

Trauma is a big concept, that lives on much developing academic ground. I’m no expert, and what I’m saying is informed by the work of trauma researchers Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, and Patrick Carnes, but this is simply my interpretation.

Viewing your seemingly irrational reactions to heartbreak through a trauma-informed lens will reduce some part of the shame that comes with continuing to live in a body that is suspended in a hyper-aroused and frenetic state long after we are told that we should be over a relationship or situation.

There are different kinds of trauma. Some are the types of trauma we are typically aware of —responses to natural disasters, war, abuse, genocide, and other atrocities. We associate those traumas with the development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which has helped to explain how victims survive in dire circumstances, including why the victims end up turning against themselves and becoming loyal to the abuser, as in the case of Stockholm Syndrome.

Understanding trauma begins when you remove judgment from the equation about the degree of atrocity that must exist in order to define trauma as trauma. There are other aspects of trauma, such as those that involve the body’s response to betrayal, childhood experiences, and interpersonal relationship trauma. A traumatic reaction is a completely subjective thing. There are more possible situations/origins of trauma than there are people.

Trauma lives inside the body as a physiological state. It will be easier to become aware of the manifestation of this state and to give it credibility if you realize that trauma can occur in the absence of abusers, victimizers, and overtly dire situations. You can have a traumatic reaction to anything or anyone that your body perceives as a threat, including a break in attachment with even the most well-meaning, non-intentionally insidious, but emotionally empty people.

Peter Levine has defined trauma as “Any experience which stuns us like a bolt out of the blue; it overwhelms us, leaving us altered and disconnected from our bodies.” It is difficult to access coping mechanisms while in this overwhelmed state. This reaction can become more intense when the relational trauma occurs for long periods of time, with intermittent reinforcement, and when it is layered on top of relational trauma that occurred in childhood.

The stunned shock of anything that your body perceives as a threat, including a betrayal or a breakup, can live inside of us as a physiological state, even when we are not in present danger — when we are out of the breakup, moved out, and presumably moved on. Our bodies are engaged in a survival response even when out of the danger — which manifests itself as a freeze state that makes all the negative emotions you felt while in the relationship freeze within you as well.

What is this? Why does this happen?

The Freeze State.

It happens as a result of a completely natural human reaction to a potentially threatening situation. Peter Levine has explained how trauma develops in his book, “Waking the Tiger.” When faced with perceived danger or challenge, we become energetically aroused, mobilized, and poised to pounce, respond, and defend. This is the reason why weaklings are able to lift cars in order to rescue children. Our bodies were built to generate tremendous energy and appropriately constrict it so that it can be released. So we can fight or flee from threats for our very survival. When the energy is released, there is a tremendous sense of relief and somatic calm. There is no trauma. The situation makes sense to us because we witnessed our bodies working with us to resolve a threat.

So what happens to this tremendous, do-or-die energy isn’t released? When we feel we cannot fight or flee, as in the case of a trauma bond, there isn’t a discharge of this energy.

Instead, we hard stop freeze. Unlike other animals, our more highly evolved neocortex prevents an instinctual response of releasing this energy anyway, when the freeze state ends. Without the release, our body constricts this incredible bundle of energy and contains it in our nervous system. We are suspended in a highly mobilized emergency alert state, hypervigilant, and brimming with energy that our body now has to shift around, negotiate, and safety-valve slowly expel through adaptations that make us feel like we are experiencing an anxiety reaction. This too, is our body working for us, to prevent a nervous system meltdown.

This is trauma.

An example of this is when you brace yourself during the impact of a car accident and later find yourself completely motionless, your knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel, adrenaline coursing through you, heart rate is racing, breathing heavily, with almost no memory of the event.

Why won’t our “smarter” brain allow us to discharge this energy during the freeze state? Again, your body is trying its best to protect you. When that tremendous force of arousal energy is first triggered, it makes us feel up to the task, positive, and intensely alive. When the release is thwarted and is instead subsumed inwardly, we associate the energy with intensely negative emotions.

All those feelings and all the energy that you might have expelled during the relationship in a fight or flight response — all the anger, the shame, and the fear — now reside within you and may feel like are directed TOWARD you.

Our “smarter” brain attempts to protect us by negotiating these emotions within our circuitry because it believes that this work will protect us from experience sheer terror of the release. We fear releasing them because the energy itself is so strongly associated with danger, betrayal, and fear. You are now the home of negative energy that was never meant to be yours.

What does this have to do with your inability to let go of a toxic relationship?

Why does all of this slow you down when it comes to commonplace advice like “stop fixating, face the fear of moving on, and focus on yourself?”

Breaking trauma bonds.

The reason it feels like you can’t “break” a traumatic bond is because you are still suffering from your body’s adaptations to all of this chaotic, negative energy that is now stored inside. These very adaptations cause you to constantly review what happened, to fixate, to refrain from feeling fear and grief, and to obsess about the relationship.

• Anxiety.

The nervous system experiences trauma as a body feeling. In other words, your hyper-alert state lives on as symptoms that can be perceived as anxiety: increased heart rate, tension, agitation, flashbacks, shudders, muscle soreness, and racing thoughts.

All of this anxiety can feel unfair. We know it’s normal to feel grief over the loss of a relationship, but the hope is that we will feel some sense of relief once we get the courage to let go of someone we loved, but who we know is toxic, narcissistic, or emotionally unavailable. Hang on. Your body is communicating to you that internally, you still feel as if you are in danger. Because this anxiety state is so closely associated with the trauma bond, this may feel like a craving for your ex and the trauma bond, when it is in fact, a frantic message to stay away.

• Helplessness.

When exposed to personal trauma, the part of the brain that processes information, puts things into context, and communicates to you in narrative form shuts down. You are suspended in emergency activation mode, but without an ability to cope with the stress.

This is why no contact is so important. When exposed to anything that reminds you of your former partner, your nervous system triggers energy to communicate the presence of a threat but prevents you from consciously putting that threat into the context of what is occurring here and now.

In this state, it can feel hard to learn new things or assimilate information.

This is why it can feel like such a gut punch to see your ex or hear about his or her life, even after time has passed and you are sure “you got this.” It can leave you feeling helpless and hopeless.

Trauma bonds don’t “heal with time” because trauma doesn’t have a sense of time. Don’t expect to never feel triggered. Feeling triggered does not mean that you are “back to square one” when it comes to processing. It means that you are experiencing traumatic anxiety, which once again makes you feel like you are frozen and immobilized. This can lead you to feel depressed even though the current stressor is no longer around. Don’t lose hope. Even the smallest bit of awareness of what is actually occurring will help you to unfreeze out of this state, and this will get more automatic and manageable the more you increase this awareness.

• Flashbacks.

Because you are not able to put your physiological distress into a time and place context, you are not able to consciously recognize that the traumatic event happened in the past. This causes confusion between past trauma and current stressors. Your body, behind the scenes, may be experiencing today’s stressful day as a flashback to the past, as if the trauma has returned.

Life goes on after a trauma bond. Other people and situations will stress you out and trigger anxious feelings that you will subconsciously associate with the trauma bond. This is why stressful days and subsequent disappointments make you feel like you are missing the trauma bond more intensely.

Trauma is like a trance. It makes you less aware of your current state, your bodily sensations, and your feelings. When you start to feel more safe, grounded, and present, you will slowly become more aware of when these flashbacks occur. You will feel less entranced and more able to untangle your prior distress from what is currently happening in your life.

• Trauma repetition review.

After an animal goes into fight, flight, or freeze and releases all the energy its nervous system conjured to get out of a dangerous situation, the animal goes into a review state. The point of this is to figure out what happened and to learn from the experience. Trauma bonded humans also go into this state, except the review occurs in a highly aroused and anxious state, because the energy from the experience has not been released.

This is why it is so difficult to stop fixating on what occurred, why you are experiencing obsessive thoughts, replaying old scripts, and why you feel abandoned and rejected long after a traumatic break has occurred. You are processing the trauma bond while you are still in a stressed and hyperaroused state.

This is why talking about trauma, rehashing the situation with your friends, and recycling anger doesn’t make you feel better and only further retraumatizes you. It may feel like you lost something important because you can’t let go of compulsively thinking about the trauma bond. This repetitive rehashing is healthy and normal, but only when conducted when you are out of an anxiety state and feeling grounded, safe, and present.

The antidote to compulsive rehashing is to remember that trauma lives inside the body, as a physiological state. Once activated, it shuts down your ability to process information. There’s nothing wrong with trying to figure out what happened, but know that doing so in this triggered state may make you feel like you need to return to the trauma bond.

• Hypervigilance.

Hypervigilance is the inevitable result of all of this hyperarousal. In trying to make sense of how you are feeling, your body actively searches for the source of the threat, even when one cannot be found. This drive can feel like a fixation to scan for the source, even though what you may just be reacting to is your own internal arousal. This gets repetitive and compulsive.

Your body remembers the trauma bond. It remembers how it felt and who was around. Even out of the relationship, a trauma bonded person may still feel threatened by a memory of the past when dealing with a current stressor. Your brain scans for a source of the threat. Your brain lands on the emotionally charged memory and image of someone associated with the trauma bond. You may feel plagued by images of your ex-partner, but this is only because your body remembers this person as a source of threat, not because you need to run back to this person.

All of these symptoms occur because your nervous system is suspended in a hyper-aroused state, searching for new danger, and attempting to protect you.

The key to releasing the trauma bond is to remind yourself, carefully, with compassion, and with consistency that you are no longer in danger and that you are now safe.

– This, first and foremost, has to be true. If you are still in any way involved in a trauma bond, then you are not safe. It may feel like you’ve hacked it and you are over it and you are ready for contact or another round, but your physiological systems will likely tell you otherwise.

– When you start to feel triggered, remind yourself of where you are in time and space. You may be experiencing a physiological memory of the past that makes you feel as if you are re-experiencing the trauma. Trauma robs you of your ability to stay in the present. It drops you in a trance and prevents you from recognizing what you are feeling — both emotionally and physiologically. There are many ways of grounding, including yoga, breath work, meditation, journaling, spending time in nature, among so many others. Once you get committed to healing, you will seek and find endless sources of information and relief in these. The key is to begin. Yoga will not release your trauma bond. Going for a hike will not make flashbacks and obsessive thoughts go away. These things may, however, bring you more awareness to your sensations and feelings, which will help you stay in the present when you feel yourself becoming taken over in a trauma bonded trance.

– Become emotionally available to yourself. The way to release a trauma bond is to very slowly and compassionately separate the amount of fear, that you may not even know you feel, about your negative emotions from the negative emotions themselves. These negative emotions are stored inside of you because your body internalized them, instead of using the energy of these emotions to flee or fight. They are not yours. These emotions are not your anger or your shame. You are safe now. You no longer need them. But you need a really safe base in yourself, your enviornment, and others in order to slowly release these. Be kind to yourself. It’s not easy to let go.

– A symptom of being trauma bonded is an intense desire to inform the person who hurt you about your healing. Don’t do that. It will only entrench you further. Your stored negative energy is not your own, but it’s not your ex’s either. It may feel like you have to “place” it somewhere, but this will not get rid of it, and you will only re-traumatize yourself. You can’t put it somewhere else. You can replace it with the knowledge this energy is no longer necessary to protect you, because you are safe now.

Trauma-bonded people are usually the foremost experts on their exes. In order to survive, they can discern mood changes from small facial movements, sideways grunts, or the way a person is standing. Start becoming this aware of yourself.

Start noticing what triggers you, when you are feeling hyper-vigilant, when you are reviewing or processing the relationship in a stressed out state. Start noticing when your flashbacks occur. You may find that they are actually occurring in response to current life stressors.

In becoming aware of this, you may find that there are other toxic people and situations in your current life that you can let go of in order to feel more safe. When other toxic bonds fall away, you may feel more ready to be yourself. When you feel more ready to be yourself, you may become even less ashamed and more emotionally aware. You can start to recognize which thoughts and emotions aren’t yours.

When you separate these, you will feel even more safe. Becoming more self-aware is work with a huge payoff, and you’re already so good doing it with everyone but yourself.

When you separate the past from the present, you will start to have more fun in the present. You will solve the present problems better. You will start to feel more like yourself again. You are safe now, and soon…

You will be free.

This post was written by Natasha Adamo team member, Irena.

https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/

[the-paris-of-people]

Hi. This is really not a question but more of a rant. A really really long one. I apologize in advance. I honestly care waaaaayyyy too much about this show than I should. Clearly too bored🙈.

After reading people's comments on this show and the ships, there are so many things that irk me and I thought I'd share even if I might get crap for it. So here goes:

1. "Ben only wants Devi when she is with Paxton." I.e. it's about Paxton. Lol people are funny. As though Ben thinks he can compete with Paxton on a social level. He's not stupid, he knows full well he can't. It's about Devi and in part her obsession with Paxton. People don't like thinking about things from Ben's perspective because they just don't like him. He's the one that finds out Devi is cheating, she runs after Paxton at the party ( now granted before she runs out, she's intensely staring at Ben and then realises Paxton is leaving but Ben's not gonna remember that) and she was busy chumming it up with Paxton in episode 3 in front of Ben with absolute disregard for him. So his natural defence is to guard himself and have his walls go up. It is a valid response. He burries his pain (exactly what Samberg said). And does not let his guard down around her romantically until episode 10 when Paxton literally rejects her at school. At the school dance, sparks are flying between those 2. Is Paxton around at the time...Uhm no (I'll get into the whole Aneesa thing). In his mind Paxton is out of the picture and it's like he can almost trust her again. And then when Paxton shows up with Devi, he basically feels like a fool for ever thinking that he was ever something more than 2nd best or sometimes anything at all ( especially considering Devi still wants Paxton after Devi and Paxton's last public interaction that Ben witnessed- I mean he does not get to see the shit behind closed doors). But then when Eleanor spills the tea, that look on his face is disbelief, yes a little bit of jealousy but overwhelmingly heartbreak. He is essentially watching the chance he never knew he had go away. Now you could argue that he should have known that she wanted him back but she broke his trust and does not explicitly say, " I want you back". Ben's not trying to get burnt again based on some assumption/hunch. He has been wrong before.

2. "How dare Ben be upset that Devi is with Paxton when he is with Aneesa". Fair point. Just like how dare Devi be upset and lose her shit over Ben and Aneesa. But yet it still happend. Devi gets 5 episodes allowing her to be upset and Ben can't even have one moment when a firkken bomb gets dropped on him.

Aneesa and Ben should have never date. Everyone knows that. He was never over Devi. He just pushed those feelings down to make him believe he was over her. I obviously don't agree with this. Aneesa doesn't deserve that. Ben needs to go to therapy. He needs an outlet. He is similar to Devi in that he doesn't want to process what happened and would rather move on and react. However, his reactions are far less impulsive/severe as Devi's. Him dating Aneesa is unfortunately a reaction. He didn't give himself time to really process how he feels. People say he dated Aneesa solely to spite Devi which is not true. Is there an element of " you never wanted me but someone else does"... absolutely but Aneesa is also very kind to Ben, they get along really well and she puts him first. Technically what's not to like. I mean if it was just to spite Devi, could he have not tried to hustle his way back in with Shira?? Problem is that dumb dumb didn't work through his Devi feelings and let's just be honest, the same spark and chemistry he has with Devi, is missing with Aneesa. It often feels forced, especially in regards to the pace of the relationship. I so wished Aneesa remained friends with Ben. That's what he needed...not another relationship.

3. "Aneesa is so amazing, she doesn't deserve to get hurt." I agree. She absolutely doesn't deserve to get hurt just like Ben and Paxton didn't deserve that crap Devi pulled. I think Aneesa is a great addition and I like that Devi has someone within her community to connect to. I'm South Asian myself and I genuinely value this aspect of my own life. I mean she is pretty great, kind and the anorexia rumour Devi unintentionally started was pretty heartbreaking. That scene where she talks to Devi at the relay about it, is so sad (especially coz we as viewers know Devi messed up). Now that being said is Aneesa also low key shady? YES. And it's not because she dated her friend's ex. It's because she started dating him knowing that Devi started the rumour about her because she was jealous about Ben and her. How does she think Devi would go from being so jealous that she starts a rumour, to the next week becoming their biggest "Stan". Come on girl. But there was no way Devi could say no after the crap she pulled with Aneesa. Ben did ask her out so if there is blame, he absolutely gets it too but he didn't know why Devi started that rumour (based on his surprised AF face when Eleanor spills the tea). Which leads me to my next question. Why didn't Aneesa tell him? Aneesa said Ben was supporting her through the rumour. She probably told him Devi started the rumour but didn't tell him why? That is odd? Clearly if Ben had known, he may changed his perspective on Devi actually wanting him instead of ignoring his feelings.

Lastly Aneesa knows there are unresolved feelings between Devi and Ben. This is evident from that dance scene. She literally runs to cut in their pretty intense conversation. Like why you running girl? I didn't think much of it at first but coupled with another moment, it makes a lot of sense. When Ben agrees to dance with Aneesa, he looks back at Devi and lingers and Aneesa picks up on this and pulls him away. It's a blink and you will miss it moment but it is there.

Now all of this doesn't mean she needs to get hurt but they probably need to break up. Ben needs to be single for a while and work through how he feels about Devi, Aneesa and most importantly himself. Whilst I don't particularly enjoy their relationship, you never get to see it from either of their perspectives. Maybe that could change things but honestly I just prefer Ben and Devi.

Also can everyone stop acting like Ben is dating Devi's best friend. Being brown doesn't make you automatically best friends and Ben and Devi met Aneesa the same week. People are acting like he is dating Eleanor.

4. "Devi chose Paxton". Please! The only thought through decision that girl made in regards to these 2 boys is when she chose herself and decided not to be Paxton's little secret. I mean in episode 1 and 2 she can't decide so she dates both. In episode 3, she interacts with Paxton because of the whole tutoring thing. He says they don't makes sense. While she seems a bit sad she doesn't seem too upset like she is season 1 and she isn't looking for any opportunity to spend time with him (unlike season 1). Episode 4,5,6,7 and 8 she is losing her mind over Ben. Half way through 8 she knows she has no choice but to let him go. But even after that she doesn't pursue Paxton. He does that at the end of episode 9 when in all honesty she hasn't really thought about him in a while. Then of course Paxton does what he does and she finally choose herself, issuing an ultimatum essentially. Paxton does eventually show up...but it's a choice by default. She just yo-yo's between them. She also needs to be single, deal with her loss, love herself and think about what she wants.

5. "Devi loves Paxton". Sure bud. Does have Devi have feeling for Paxton? Duh! But is it love. Nope. People like to confuse infatuation for love. She has been infatuated with this boy this the 3rd (she knew squat about him). When her dad died, she turns that infatuation into an obsession. It like becomes a full time hobby in season 1. She ruins relationships over it. In season 2 you can argue there is more depth to it and Paxton does grow in Season 2. But somehow she is still fixated on the fact that it's Paxton Hall-Yoshida. I mean she smells him (totally normal), Mc Enroe's comment at the relay was, "did this hunk of beef just say he likes spending time with her", when she breaks up him she says , "you are very good at kissing" not possibly any of his other good qualities. And at the end she says , "I guess I'm Paxton Hall Yoshida's girlfriend now". This boy is so far up a pedestal that if he fell of it, he'd break something. Now granted if he fell of it in Season 1, he'd be dead. So progress I guess...

Maybe the relationship will change in Season 3 and she genuinely falls in love with him. I mean Id be sad but obviously a real possibility. But also that relationship needs to move on from being just the "Paxton project" which it was basically all of season 2. Maybe actually talk about her every once in a while.

Also people who find the ending so amazing because he shows up...bare minimum bro. I understand his perspective, how does it look to go back with someone who cheated on you. Fair point 💯. However she didn't start this shit up again. He did. He liked her so much that he had to make out with her In the middle of the night out of the blue but not enough to respect her publically. That's some BS right there. If he started it, he should have thought it through instead of guilt tripping her. But he is a teenager and ALL of them make incredibly stupid decisions (we all have). Devi messed up big time too and she apologized. The same compassion must extend to him but in no way is it a grand gesture, it's the bare minimum...like her apologies

6. "Paxton forgave Devi forgave Devi so quickly whilst Ben didn't and was so mean". He did forgive her pretty quickly. Good for him. However let's not act like circumstance didn't carve the way for that. They were pushed together because of the whole tutoring thing and he knows that they have to see each other all the time. So logically just makes sense to keep the peace. But still mature oh his part. Also he wasn't as emotionally invested as Ben. Did he have feelings? Yes. However, based on his inner monologue (Gigi Hadid) his ego took more of a hit because how could Devi, the "weirdest girl" he ever liked two time him with Ben Gross. Did his feelings deepen by the end? Yes. But at the start...it isn't that deep.

Also it's great and all that he "forgave" her so quickly but he sure did like bringing it up a lot. Like at the relay guilting her, upset at the end of 6 because he failed...I mean wtf girl you owe me- I don't really care what else is going on in your life, again in episode 8 in the car and finally we all know the mess that is episode 10.

In regards to Ben. His anger is justified for reasons stated in point 1. In fact his reaction seems more real because he is deeply hurt by Devi. Do I like some of his reaction (i.e. nose piercing-will discuss this further) ...nope but she only sincerely apologises to him in episode 8 vs 3 for Paxton. He accepts it. People acting like they would be so calm and chill about being cheated on. And yes he did cheat on Shira. He tries to kiss Devi at party twice but apologises that day and the following week. He doesn't try anything with Devi the whole of episode 10 until she kisses him. He acknowledges that it was wrong and immediately breaks up with Shira. Although cheating is not something we should condone can we actually acknowledge that Shira was the worst and doesn't even remember Ben's name. Compare that to Devi's premeditated cheating. Her Eleanor are literally laughing at how amazing they are for pulling it off and Devi didn't care about either of their feelings cause she was going to be India. Sorry but that is far worse. She also thinks she can bullshit her apology with Ben. He isn't here for that...which is fine! He kept trying his level best to avoid her but even that she wouldn't let him do.

7. "Ben is Horrible". Has Ben done some shitty things. Absolutely. People complain that he has never apologised for anything. Fair enough. He needs to apologize for the UN comment and the psychosomatic comment. It was incredibly hurtful. However, no one does call him out of it. Now you could argue he should just do it. Please... have you watched these particular set of teenagers? None of them apologise without being called out on it first(except maybe Fabiola). And you only get called out my your support system ... which Ben does not have. He practically looks like he raised himself. He doesn't have parents to put him back in line or a sister to call him out on his shit. Devi has her mom, cousin, grandmum , Elanor, Fabiola and her therapist. Does she ever listen to them the first time? Nope. And her first time apologies are such messes. She only gets it right the 2nd or 3rd time. All of them have some form of support but not really him. And it is heartbreaking. It's why I genuinely believe he needs to go to therapy. He needs an outlet to express everything he feels. He also needs to be held accountable for those comments and understand the root of it (ok let's be honest Devi even in their rivalry was probably the most constant person in his life, and fighting with her meant she stayed close by- it's a subconscious thing). He should apologize to her and also find better ways to communicate what he is feeling. The nose ring thing was manipulative. I agree. He should apologize. But I'm not gonna lie, it doesn't piss me off as much because I think it's pretty messed that it took that for her to realise how much she hurt him. Also tbh if you were willing to alter your body on a 2 minute thought out dare, you wanted to do it anyway. But again not a healthy way to emote on Ben's part. The David thing doesn't upset me because he knows how to pronounce her actual name. It's not like he doesn't know how and doesn't bother to try. It was part of their rivalry to irritate her. I honestly find it quite endearing as part of their friendship and think Devi does. I may be wrong and she may not like it and in that case he needs to stop and apologize.

I am not upset by him coming over to her house and calling her out about Aneesa. She deserved it. Also if she was that uncomfortable she could have taken him outside to talk like she did with Paxton. She is clearly comfortable enough to have him in the house. And her therapist agrees with Ben. If he hadn't, she wouldnt have known that Aneesa was leaving. Her mom took away her phone. And even then her first attempt at an apology was soooooo bad. And I don't think Ben did it solely to get Aneesa to stay so he could date her. This is Ben, he was willing to do long distance with Devi from India, I think he could have done the same with Aneesa from like the same town 🙄

I genuinely like Ben because he is a good kid. He makes mistakes like they all do. His personality is hilarious to watch but also his and Devi's relationship is so special. Me liking Ben and Devi has nothing to do with what Paxton has or has not done. I just like the dynamic between the two. They obviously care deeply for each other. Their conversations are hilarious. I love their banter. I love how comfortable they are with each and am sometimes surprised by the depth of their conversations. But also they have amazing chemistry. All the jealous looks and angst are between these two idiots pining for each other. I think she does have chemistry with Paxton but it's more because he is PHY, school Adonis. I mean let's be honest, he'd probably have chemistry with Fabiola solely cause he is PHY. The two nerds just match each other and it's so funny how often they are in sync. It's honestly adorable. They just get each other. That bathroom scene was the sweetest thing and also proves he's not this terrible person. She only comes out of the stall because of his support. He is genuinely hurt for her when technically it should have been a great moment for him.

I do believe the two have to be single for a bit before admitting their feelings for one another and moving forward. That's why my main thing for season 3 is that he absolutely cannot interfere in her relationship with Paxton. He needs to give her the space to figure that. Do I think there will be moments between them... absolutely but no cheating please. Everyone needs to move on from that. If they do it...I honestly think il be done with the show.

Anyways sorry for the really long ramble. If you made it to the end thanks for your patience 😌

Thank you for this beautiful masterpiece, I pretty much agree with everything and need to put it out there for the world to see

[horansqueen]

New Angel - Chapter 2

story masterlist [x]

chapter 1

NOTES

☆ written from Niall’s pov ☆ i don’t proofread, I never do, I hate it. ☆ AU comedy/fluff/smut/romance ☆ 2.6k ☆ i accept requests and ideas for this story, so message me in my inbox! ☆ if you want to be notified when this story is updated (or be taken off the update list) CLICK HERE

NIALL

I was not okay the next day, like Louis had suggested. In fact, even three weeks later, I was still depressed. I had sent Grace a few text messages but she never answered and I didn't know what else I could do. It was obsessing me to the point where I couldn't seem to concentrate on anything else or almost. I spent all my time in my apartment, dragging my feet from the kitchen to the living room with a few breaks to the bathroom. It was pathetic and I knew it, but I didn't have the strength to do anything else.

"You realize you've watched that movie three times in the past two days?"

I blinked a few times, turning to look at Millie who was bending close to me, slipping her hand between the cushions on the couch, probably searching for her keys.

"I keep falling asleep." I lied, putting my eyes back on the screen.

There was no need to tell her that I actually didn't understand the plot because I kept thinking about my ex girlfriend. I knew it would piss her off and I was not in the mood to hear about her rant about how I need to go out and meet new girls. I didn't want new girls. All I wanted was Grace.

"Where are you going?" I asked, grabbing one of my pillows that was now almost permanently on the couch now to hold it against me.

"Work." she pointed out with a sigh as she started searching more vigourously and quickly. "When's the last time you actually went to work?"

"Can't remember." I mumbled, leaning my head on the back of the couch and closing my eyes.

"You'll get fired." she sighed, shaking her head. "You may have a nice smile and lots of charm, Niall, but it's not going to save you forever."

"My boss loves me."

"She does." Millie agreed as I opened my eyes. She raised her eyebrows and her lips curled on the right. "Because she wants in your pants. Why don't you spend the night with her? Maybe it would make you stop being such a loser."

"She's sixty." I argued with a frown. "And I'm not a loser."

"Nothing beats experience." she paused. "And you've been a loser for the past few weeks."

I simply groaned low and decided not to answer but I turned my head when Millie whispered a few curse words, still trying to find her keys in the couch. I sighed, desperate to be alone again, and shook my head.

"Take mine."

"Okay, where are they?"

I looked around and noticed them on the carpet before pointing them to her. She sent me a frown and bent down to take them in her hand, sighing again.

"You're getting messy. That's bad."

Quickly, she took her phone out of her purse and typed something just as someone knocked at the door. I grabbed the remote and turned the volume up until Millie snatched it out of my hand. I wanted to be pissed at how annoying she was but I didn't have the strength to argue more when she turned the tv off.

"Fine, I'll just go in my room for a nap."

I got up but Millie put her hand on my chest and I let my head fall back on my shoulders slightly. All I wanted was to be alone or get my girlfriend back. Why was it so hard for everyone to understand? Today, it was Millie and when it was not her, it was Louis who would try to spend time with me to make me stop thinking about my failed relationship. I wanted to appreciate what they did for me but I just couldn't.

"First, just go answer the door so you can have an interaction with a human being." she proposed, raising her eyebrows.

"I knew you weren't human." I let out, making her grimace.

She grabbed my shoulders, turned me around and pushed me gently towards the door. I had almost reached it when I heard her behind me.

"Baby steps, Horan!"

"Don't call me that." I muttered, grabbing the knob and opening the door very slowly.

My heart literally stopped in my chest when Grace appeared behind it, and my jaw dropped. She was even more gorgeous than in my memories, and when she pressed her lips together, I wanted to take her in my arms, nuzzle her neck and smell her hair. It was more than just sexual, it was everything she made me feel, from the butterflies to the 'heart skipping beat' thing we hear in movies. How did I live three weeks without her? Wait, I didn't. I barely survived.

I wanted to say something but my mind was blank and I just stared at her until she raised her shoulders up, bringing them near her face. She looked uncomfortable and for some reason, it made me sad.

"Hey, Niall."

The sound of her voice made something stir in my stomach and it reminded me of all the videos of her that Louis had deleted the day she broke up with me. I felt a hole inside me suddenly and swallowed hard.

"I know I shouldn't be here but, I..." she shook her head and licked her lips, avoiding my gaze. "Can I come in?"

It took me a few seconds to react but I finally nodded and moved on the side to let her in. Her perfume reached my nose as she walked in and I felt myself tear up. I followed her to the living room but only got out of my thoughts when I realized she came face to face with Millie. My friend's face changed and she sighed exaggeratedly.

"Grace. Really?"

"Hey Millie."

"Grace, you can't do that."

Weirdly, Millie's voice was low but I could hear how mad she was. She was staring at my ex girlfriend and it made me frown slightly.

"I know, I just really need my passport and I'm pretty sure I left it here."

My friend sighed and passed her hand on her face before shaking her head again. My gaze moved from her to my ex girlfriend and I cleared my throat, frowning slightly.

"Okay, what's happening here?"

Millie took a step closer and shrugged a shoulder. "Grace came to the library to tell me that she forgot a few things here and, I told her it was a bad idea to come when you were there because you... had a hard time getting over this relationship."

I frowned more and my lips parted. It took a few seconds for the confusion in my brain to dissipate and I finally understood, pushing the air out of my lungs quickly.

"Millie, you can't just get in my business like that."

"Niall, it's not Millie's fault, it's mine." Grace admitted, tilting her head and shaking it lightly at the same time. "I got your text messages and, I didn't want to give you wrong hopes if I messaged you again, or called."

My eyes roamed on her face and my heart broke again in my chest. It felt like she was breaking up with me for a second time, and I had no idea how I'd be able to go through that again.

"I just need my passport."

I remembered that I put it with mine in one of my folders the last time we came back from a trip and swallowed hard when I realized she was going to use it without me.

"You're leaving?"

Her eyes moved to my friend and she cleared her throat, looking down but glancing up at me for half a second. "Yea, me and a few friends are just going to... you know, on a girls trip."

"Did you already replace me?"

A silence took place between the three of us but this time, Grace looked up at me and blinked a few times, sending me a sincere smile. I missed her every second of every day but now that she was so close, I missed her even more, and I didn't even know it was possible.

"No, Niall." she replied gently. "I didn't replace you."

We remained silent again but this time it wasn't as heavy and after a few seconds, I simply nodded. I could ask beg her to give me an other chance, or tell her I would change, but I knew it was useless. She already knew everything I was ready to do for her from the few text messages I had sent and I was slowly realizing that nothing would change her mind. I was resigned to accept my fate, or getting close to it.

"I'll get your passport."

I walked quickly to my room and found it exactly where I had left it before going back to the living room. Both girls stopped talking when I walked back in but I decided not to mention it, even if I knew it meant they were talking about me. I handed her passport to Grace who thanked me and cleared her throat shyly.

"I think I'll just... leave, now." she let out, sending me a sad smile. "Bye Niall."

I stayed there, standing up motionless and waiting to hear the door behind her, inhaling deeply when she was gone and making me realized I had stopped breathing completely. My heart was telling me to turn on my heels and run to her but my head was fighting it. There were no reason for me to do that, it wouldn't change anything.

"It's over." I whispered before Millie took a step closer to me.

"Okay, you need food, come on."

I didn't move or even looked at her and she just placed herself behind me, her hands on my shoulders, leading me to the kitchen and pushing me gently. I let myself fall on a chair but it took me a few minutes to realize what she was doing.

"Mill, you can't cook for shite."

"I can make pancakes." she argued as I shook my head.

"No, you can't." I blinked a few times and sighed. "Besides, you'll be late for work."

I must have looked very sad for Millie to actually take care of me like that. Our personalities clashed most of the time but at that exact moment, I was grateful to have a friend like her. Even when we were kids, we would tease each other all the time, and banter with each other, so it wasn't new, and if I wanted to be honest, I had never felt really close with her. Louis and her were best friends, I knew that, and now they were clearly more than that. Louis was also my best friend, and somehow, I felt like he was the only link between Millie and I.

"No worries, I texted Louis, he's coming back and he'll take care of you so I can go to work."

"So now I need a babysitter." I pointed out, raising my eyebrows. I was not really mad. In fact, I felt relieved, especially now that it was finally hitting me that it was totally over with Grace.

"Baby steps, babysitter." Millie joked with a grin, turning to glance at me. "Don't want you tripping and falling on your face."

It took about 15 minutes for Louis to get home. He walked in and went straight to the kitchen, getting next to Millie and hitting her hip with his. It made her laugh and she turned around, sending him a smile. Her traits softened when her eyes met his and I was suddenly jealous of what they had, no matter what it was. Maybe it would make me feel better to have someone too, someone I could spend time with, without having to label what we had.

I was obviously not ready for a relationship but staying alone seemed just as bad. Besides, I had spent the last three weeks pretty much alone, and it had to change, or I would go crazy. I watched Louis send her a smile and she tilted her chin up. I was expecting them to kiss but instead, Louis turned to me and smiled more.

"What's the plan for today, Neil?" he asked, raising his eyebrows at me. "How about tennis?"

I frowned and shook my head, knowing that Louis must have been desperate for me to get out of the house if he was ready to play tennis with me.

"I'm thinking about watching the integrality of netflix." I just replied with a shrug, crossing my arms over my chest. "And maybe start amazon prime if I have time."

Millie chuckled next to him and it made my lips curl more. I really appreciated how my friends took care of me but I didn't know how to tell them. I was never really good with expressing my feelings and I just cleared my throat.

"Thank you, both of you."

I watched Millie bring a plate of pancakes on the table and raised my eyebrows, staring at them. They were a nice golden color, they smelled amazing and suddenly, I was hungry.

"When's the last time you had a proper meal, Niall?" Louis asked when we all heard my stomach growl.

"Yesterday?"

Louis chuckled and shook his head, amused. "Chips don't count as a meal."

I shrugged and started eating but when Millie moved closer to Louis, I looked up at them, pushing big pieces of pancakes in my mouth. I knew they had been close like that for a while but their dynamics still made me curious. Sometimes, they acted like a couple and some other times, you could barely tell they were best friends.

"You've got flour on your nose." Louis whispered, bringing his hand up to wipe it and making her shake her head as she smiled slightly.

"I'm fine, I have to go." she replied, moving his hand away gently. "I'm already late." She turned to me and smiled more when she noticed I was almost done with the meal she prepared. "We're going out tonight. You need to let loose."

If I hadn't seen Grace half an hour before, I would probably have argued and ended up locked in my room. I was still sad but Millie was right, I needed a distraction. It was useless to wait for Grace to come back, now. She wouldn't.

"Are you ever going to make it official with her?" I asked, leaning against my chair, feeling slightly nauseous because of how fast I ate.

"Naa, we're not gonna talk about Millie and I." Louis shrugged, sitting in front of me.

"Why are you avoiding it?" I argued, raising my eyebrows. "You're both so good when it comes to getting involved in my relationships but as soon as I mention yours, you act like it's none of my business."

Louis raised his nose up in a grimace, looking down at his hands and shaking his head. "It's not a romantic relationship it's just..." he paused and shrugged a shoulder, making me frown. "It's complicated."

I was about to ask him more but he looked up and sent me a big smile. Louis was never the kind of person who liked confiding and if I wanted to be honest, I wasn't either. The difference was that I respected his choice to keep things to himself, but he always insisted to help me. It came from a good place, I knew it, but I felt like the sharing part was unfair.

"I know where we're going tonight." he finally let out, slapping the table enough to make me jump. "And I promise you're gonna get laid."

[aenniesryu]

tsukikage middle school exes

tsukishima kei and kageyama tobio. both in their first year of high school and are also teammates since they played in the same vb team for their school

ofc everyone is well aware of the fact that these two kind of hated each other. not that it was an obvious fact to begin with since ever from the beginning the two would constantly bicker and throwing insults at one another

however, that was it. that was the only thing everyone knows about the two. the team even had to separate the two of them when things escalated quickly just to make sure none of them will started to throw fits

no one knows the actual reason as to why they would bicker every so often. the team just thought that the two have so different perceptions towards volleyball that makes them so hard to get along with

the team did tried to help them to get along but it just ended up with them constantly at each others throat arguing about whatever it is

what the team actually didnt know is that tsukishima and kageyama once dated back then in their middle school days.

so basically the entire thing going on between those two were just them being salty because of 1) the break up and also 2) their mindset when it comes to volleyball

tsukishima and kageyama once dated before despite them not attending the same school

but, both were living in the same neighbourhood and their houses were basically next to each other making it easier for them to constantly see each other

however, that was a year ago before kageyama's family decided to move to another neighbourhood

no, the break up was not because of them moving because they would still see each other if they put more efforts in it

the break up on the other hand was because of this one major thing. it was a silly reason but nevertheless it was the thing that made them broke up and that thing is volleyball

yes, volleyball. even tho both were playing for their respective teams back in middle school, their perspective when it comes to volleyball differs too much.

kageyama being the volleyball freak he is would just spent most of his times practicing his serve. even on the weekends. tsukishima, however didnt really took it seriously when it comes to volleyball ever since it was just a club anyway, right?

with kageyama spending more and more time with his practice, tsukishima was left alone. they barely even get to meet each other because of them being in different schools and then kageyama's free time was now full with volleyball alone

tsukishima might felt a lil bit jealous since kageyama, his boyfriend at that time would constantly talked about oikawa. it's always oikawa this and oikawa that. he knows kageyama only meant no harm and hes just looking up onto his senior who plays really well.

tsukishima was fine with that. yeah, he really does because never once did he ever tell kageyama to shut up whenever he talks about oikawa.

what was not fine was that kageyama spent the only free time they had on volleyball. it was the only time that they would be able to hang out and go outside but suddenly it stopped. no more seeing each other, no more dates and no more talking to each other

yes, kageyama did tell him over and over again that he feels sorry and that he just needs to prepare himself to be the best for their team

tsukishima did understand him but as time passed by, tsukishima became selfish. well that's what he thought. hes tired of waiting. he shouldn't be blamed when all he wanted was for his boyfriend attention

then 2 months before the very important match for kageyama, tsukishima went and break things off. and just like that they are no longer boyfriends or friends

kageyama moving to another neighbourhood just make things a lil bit easier since they wont be seeing each other anymore after the break up

"What the fck was that kageyama?" Tsukishima is now in rage with his once called boyfriend. They were in the middle of a practice match where they were divided into two different teams and just to make them work along together and maybe become friends, coach ukai and daichi thought it would be the best to put them into the same group. Oh how wrong they were because now they are fight again.

"I just did what's the best for the team. All you need to do is jump a lil bit higher than usual for that toss. you are already tall enough, make sure of it for once" kageyama was surprisingly calm when he said that but only god knows how scared he felt whenever tsukishima raised his voice at him because he got irritated. it wasnt a pleasant sight to see and get into especially when tsukishima is dmn mad. like the situation they are in now.

"yes my height alone is enough and that is why, you as the setter should take in mind that I would perfectly score if you just tossed me the ball right at where my hand can reach. making me go through all the hard work just to reach that fcking ball you threw is just wasting my energy" tsukishima is really not having it. not only did kageyama sent him a high ball, hes also pissed that kageyama made him wasted his energy in jumping higher than he normally do.

"excuse me? I'm just doing what's the best for the team. I'm taking out that fcking capability that you have in you that you decides to freaking hide and toss it away, just because you think putting an effort even the slightest of it into the match is a waste of your time" now kageyama started to boiled up. he knows that tsukishima has a lot of talent when it comes to volleyball, he knows that really well. perks of being his boyfriend throughout their middle school years. well honestly kageyama thinks tsukishima is just wasting his talent with his kind of mindset.

everyone at the gym are just staring and listening to them arguing. daichi was closed to tear them apart and continue with the practice match, but before he can do that sugawara stop him. daichi was not having it but sugawara had something else in mind. he thinks that maybe them arguing this time would make the rest of the team to get a grip on what making them argue in the first place. and maybe the truth would unfold without them needing to ask tsukishima and kageyama. coach ukai seems to have the same thoughts too since he make no moves in stopping them. so the team just understands and silently look at them and wait for more.

"I dont get your obsession with drawing the team's talent or whatsoever because you ended up getting more demanding. I thought you were a setter. didnt setter usually can already feel his teammates thoughts? im here just doing what I have to do during practice and waiting for it to end like it always did but you? you just have to screw up everything. im already tired but you clearly didnt see that! just what kind of a setter who acted like a dictator and yet hes not even the leader of the team? tell me!" tsukishima yelled his frustration out. he wants this to end just so he can go back to his house and do whatever he finds interesting. and basically volleyball is not one of them.

kageyama didnt said anything after that. he felt bad and all the memories from when his old team abandoned him during a play starter clouding his mind. to make it worse he's on the verge of breaking down. his eyes are filled with tears but he held them back. hearing those things from someone you love didnt really felt the greatest.

"what? now you decided to stayed silent? why? just realizing how my words are true and theres no point in denying it? did you ever just sit back and think about how your shitty your attitude is in court? about how tired your teammates felt trying to satisfy you? this is literally the reason why your old teammate decided to abandoned you in the middle of the match. because you are so demanding and it stresses them out more than the actual game is" just when he finished saying what he needed to say, kageyama slap him. when tsukishima turn to see him, kageyama is already crying.

"YOU! out of all people in this world should know how important volleyball is to me. you should've known that theres literally nothing I can do aside from volleyball. you shouldn't have said that if you know what I went through the entire year. and then at the end? what did I get? I get abandoned. not only by my teammates but I was also abandoned by my own family. just to make things even worse, you fcking break up with me at the times when I needed you the most kei. the one person i thought that would always stay by my side. but you didn't even listen to the shit I have to tell you because you completely shut me off. I went through every single thing alone. All by myself. I practice alone, think of the best strategies for my own team on my own because I was pressured AND threatened by the coach, I came back to an empty house and freaking live alone. theres no one I can even call and relied to!! I cant even call the person I love because hes sick of me. all I ever wanted was people to appreciate my efforts even tho it's only in volleyball. I wanted YOU to be proud of me above anything else because I cant reach your level when it comes to academic. I wanted to be perfect for you and all I ever wanted was for people around me to be proud of me for the one thing I'm capable of but all I get is people abandoning me!!"

silence. theres no sound can be heard in the gym aside from kageyama's heavy breathing. everyone is just stunned with the sudden confession. not only did they just heard kageyama's biggest fear but they also heard the part where he mentioned about their break up. tsukishima and kageyama were a thing before? they were dating? since when?"

"tobio-" tsukishima breaks the silence. hes panicking but he didn't know what do to because everything is just too sudden and all he can think of is how shitty of a boyfriend he was during the time that they were dating. thats what his brain has been saying. after all never once did he ever asked how kageyama was feeling. he was indeed selfish and everything is all his fault. if only he stayed-

kageyama seems to snapped back into reality when he heard tsukishima called him by his given name. he panicked. he just spilled everything in front of the team.

"i-im sorry. I should just go home. I'm really sorry you guys have to witness such a pity side of myself" kageyama chuckled and wipe his tears. "coach, i would like to take a break from the team for the time being. again, I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I'll see you guys later" and with that kageyama walked out of the gym ignoring his teammates eyes and the calls.

"what the hell just happened" tanaka said as the argument really is tensed and they literally just heard something that is kept secret between tsukishima and kageyama.

"tsuki, you and kageyama-" yamaguchi said softly as to not add any more anger in tsukishima. after all tsukishima kind of had an anger issue.

"ugh fuck, yes we did." tsukishima sigh. theres really nothing he can do. everyone knows and they probably think its his fault anyways. but the team has the opposite thoughts than him

"I honestly dont know what to say" sugawara said to him. he really wanted to help but it's not in his power to do so. all he can do is give them advice.

"ha, no need. I already know it's my fault. you guys can blame me. I would gladly accept it"

"What? No" were the replies he get from his team members. he was clueless coz after all kageyama wouldnt turn into a tyrant if only he stayed and didnt leave.

"we didnt blame you. both of you were young that time it was just normal for you to feel he loved you less. but you two lack in communication which leads to this whole entire mess. idk what you two went through and how long you've been together, it's not my business. but, all I can say is that you two need some closure. and clearly none of you even moved on from the past. arguing with each other every other day isnt the healthiest way to cope with the break up. just please sort this out with him. hes in pain and so are you." enoshita who has been quite the entire time decided to speak up. he do got a point especially with that lack communication between tsukishima and kageyama. sooner or later he needed to settle this whole mess before it started to drag the entire team. kageyama is the regular player in their team, and even with sugawara who can replace him as a setter, kageyama really is needed in the team. hinata also needed kageyama.

"I know I'm the last person you want to hear this from.. but tsukishima please bring kageyama back to the team. I needed him. the team too. and I think you needed him too. so please, I will do whatever it takes to help get him back into the team" hinata cried out. after all they were the freaky duo. they relied more on one another.

"but didnt kageyama only asked to take a break? it's not like he would just quit" nishinoya chipped in. "indeed he said that, but we are not sure on how long would the break be. it can be days, weeks, months and even years." coach ukai reasoned.

"let's just stop here. you guys can go home now. I will cancel tomorrow's practice so please just take a good rest. We'll continue our practice on the day after that. And you tsukishima" coach ukai added and turn to look at tsukishima with a soft look. It was a rare sight to see but they know it's for the best

"yes?"

"idk what you are planning to do. whether you sort things out and talk to kageyama or you didnt do anything about it is up to you. just clear out your minds whenever you came intl practice. we already less in one member, we didnt need to lose another one"

"thank you coach!"

listen, idek what I'm doing but I'm just gonna post this even tho I know it was bad because honestly when I reread this I felt truly nothing lmao but my friend said it was good/okay idk dont really trust her but hey, the very least I can do is post this here so I can move on(?) welp, enjoy ig.

[goblinconceivable]

braindump: betty/daniel

I’ve been living with them for a while, notes taken, a few stories significantly started but there’s a gelling issue, which I’m hoping is at least partially down to a lack of proper braindumping.  So, in no particular order and certainly not comprehensive:

Frankly I also got too hooked on the last 2 eps, which is likely where I’m blocked.  It’s an abrupt emotional twist for them (esp Daniel), and in trying to make sense of that I’m losing focus on the 4 previous years.

- I’m a little bit obsessed in the scene where Betty tries to convince Matt she’s fearless by pointing out her bang-less-ness.  And then runs into Daniel, who is at that moment half brain-washed, but yet when she asks about her fearless quotient his response is immediate and natural and entirely lacking in irony: “no bangs.”  It’s a tiny little moment that shows how well he not only knows her, but understands her.  Without judgment, without fanfare.  Were I to have a husband, this is the sort of response that would confirm I’d married the absolute perfect guy for me.

- They’re too close for mirroring to be an important indicator, but there are two scenes that stand out in this vein: the first is when Betty thinks he may have pushed Christina down the stares and steals the video.  She’s backing out the door, and he follows, matching her step for step.  I love the direction choices because from her perspective there’s a sense of menace, Daniel as potential villain is stalking her.  But from his guileless perspective he’s talking to her and if she’s moving, so is he.  The second is from the penultimate, talking about Trista, where Betty’s rolling back and forth and he moves with her, rather than simply turning his head.  It signals his full engagement in the conversation, seeking her attention, and is why the scene plays as flirting rather than their normal banter.

- That bulletpoint was getting a bit long, so second point on the flirting is that it plays against Betty shutting down the conversation “none of my business,” leading to the fight over involvement in each other’s personal lives, leading to the revelation that they know each other at that deep personal level so very, very well.  Which was a very clumsy leadup to Daniel’s revelation during Hilda’s wedding speech, that could have been handled so much more deftly but those last two eps were quite rushed, I don’t know when they found out about the shortened season but it feels like they’d planned for more space and had to jab in exposition.

- Becaaaaause: they narratively broke his ‘aha’ moment onto “know you better than you do” while the strength of the message is really in the “do anything to protect them.”  Which is, I believe, where they cut to his softened expression.  Not coincidentally, this is precisely what a lot of fan-readings of the characters focus on: Daniel will do anything to protect Betty.  Bobby might have said he’d throw himself under a bus for Hilda, but Daniel HAS done that for Betty- in fact literally doing so would probably have been easier than publicly shouldering the blame for the Tornado cover and giving away the profits.  Due to the fact that he had time to consider the consequences and did it anyway.

- Which is tidy segue into an admission that I’m flying mostly blind on the Molly arc because I basically skipped all her scenes, but it’s my understanding that Daniel doing this was a pivotal moment for them.  Ie, she was impressed that he did this thing.  I mean, I really appreciate that he spent the whole press conference scene looking for Betty, so the show in no way undercut their relationship.  But then they very clearly built the Molly relationship on the foundation of not only the man Daniel had become due to Betty, but choices he was making in large measure for Betty: it’s not that he saw Betty beaten down and resolved the situation: he was upset but lost, she yelled at him, and THEN he resolved the situation by taking the bullet.  Did I break grammar by ending up with two colon’d clauses in the same sentence?  It’s a braindump, ain’t gotta be pretty.  XP

- Quick sidebar that the same thing happens with Alexis.  She was expecting to come back to one brother, but then listens in on his pep talk with Betty and finds she’s returned to a different brother.  This may be where I got the “an assistant” phrasing, if so, my bad.  But basically, she was impressed with Daniel’s actions, not understanding that it was Betty specifically inspiring his actions.

- Follow that a step further and did Molly ever acknowledge how important Betty is to him?  Legit question.  I think her line here was about him doing it “for an assistant” (?) rather than even “his assistant,” establishing Betty as a non-entity for her.  (Quoting a summary but I think I’m in the ballpark.)  And I’m sure I’d have read about it somewhere if she brought Betty up during their discussion on who he’d date when she was dead.

- Just one last note on Molly, (okay it’s a multi-part though it veers off her as a character) but a possibly incorrect beef is that I hate the Daniel/Molly relationship because there’s no interesting or even real conflict?  It’s perfect?  I’m supposed to think this is magical “true love”?  Molly has apparently been engaged for years to a man she doesn’t really love (and um... that’s lazy not strong), and helps inspire a vengeance filled betrayal by her ex because she’s so awesome everyone loves her?  But she comes out squeaky clean because any emotional cheating on her part is balanced and thus “justified” by Connor falling for Wilhemina.  And then the only “conflict” is that she’s dying, and is perfect throughout it?  That’s...  weak.

-That poem thing WOULD have been an interesting point of conflict but it was resolved by Betty’s intervention, rather than within the relationship.  Which actually is an incredibly interesting beat.  The problem with that being it’s so entirely consistent with the role Betty plays in Daniel’s life that it’s treated as just another beat, as if it doesn’t MATTER that a fundamental moment of intimacy and growth of vulnerability in Daniel’s very important romantic relationship is a door opened by a third party.  There’s a strong argument to be made for something but I broke off to write the next point and now can’t remember what that strong argument is.  I might remember later.  It may have had something to do with Molly being a stepping stone in Daniel’s arc, but the cult-thing was so long and dominating that it didn’t work, it tied him too tightly for too long and coinciding with a loosening of his relationship with Betty there was flailing.

- Quick one: Daniel’s fast-forwarded and time-bounded relationship with Molly is the analog to Betty’s time-limited relationship with Henry.  Which is a discussion I would like Daniel and Betty to have.  Esp. noting that Betty and Henry had issues they worked through together (ice cream foreplay being one.)

- Player!  So going back to a happy place, when Betty’s on the phone trying to fix the apartment situation and the camera pans onto Daniel just leaning against the doorway: this may be a legitimate little moment of “squee!”  There’s so much denial in his laid back attitude at Player, but I still love watching how the informality of the environment reflects in the informality with Betty.  He gives her free reign, and there’s many answers to “why,” and I (almost) don’t want to go into them because I totally adore how this Daniel is basically a College!Daniel only he’s latched onto Betty, who, meanwhile, is just being Betty.  OMG how different his life would have been if he’d met Betty in college...

- Okay I actually don’t feel like going into whys, it’s just an arc to enjoy.  With a small mention of how he TOTALLY was playing with the MODE book and handed it to Betty knowing she’d understand and use it to get them back in.  Such a crazy subtle manipulation, to the point where I’m not sure it wasn’t almost entirely subconscious on Daniel’s part.

- The YETI recommendation letter.  What I love is that this is another time when Daniel fvcks up, but fixes it, and more importantly displays competence and ingenuity alongside authentic caring and effort.  Here’s the thing: YETI wanted Betty, even if it was just a quota thing (which it wasn’t entirely, at least one of the board was generally enthused.)  So all that was necessary was to have them re-label her as from Player.  Daniel knew this and did this.  And told Betty that.  BUUUUT that point was purposefully (by script and character) overshadowed by the gesture of the lengthy rec letter he put significant time into.  Whose real audience was... wait for it...  Betty.  He even did a second draft!  Which is more time and effort and a cleaner product.

-  Also flaking on her practice run.  I also enjoy how he (finally...) bounced back into the office clearly having forgotten her schedule, but having mentally shifted from Molly-space into Betty-space.  He’s enthused, he’s engaged, he’s sort of bantering and I’d like to see where that scene would have gone if she hadn’t immediately gotten the acceptance call.

- So there’s this moment somewhat early on, pretty sure when Betty’s taking the writing class, and wants Daniel to give her feedback.  And he’s all “why?,” coming from his “I don’t actually know what I’m doing” place.  She responds that he’s her friend and wants to know what he thinks.  And he does a little double-take at that word.  Because until that point Daniel totally sees Betty as HIS Friend, and they’ve referred to each other as friends, with a little “f,” and he believes that.  But it wasn’t until this moment that he even considered that HE might be HER Friend.  Presumably because he doesn’t believe he has anything to offer her, beyond the power he holds as EIC and her boss - ie, “here run this show” and other such responsibilities.

- Which is a recurring theme.  Pronounced on relationship stuff especially.  When she asks him for input on the Henry vs Gio situation, when she’s trying to date the playwright.  His response is always “I’m in no position to offer relationship advice/judgment on relationships.”  He sorta dodges the first and is permissive on the second.  I don’t know where to go with that so I’ll leave it (for now).

- When  he was supposed to be in Rio, Betty wasn’t even at MODE, she was working for the “enemy,” and he was sending her regular postcards?  First, they’d have been postmarked in New York and presumably with local stamps, so I’m not 100% on Betty not cottoning on.  But it’s super cute that he was thinking of her when he was incommunicado with literally everyone else.  Did he want her to figure it out (subconsciously)?  It’s an act of reaching out, but also of convincing: he’s created a fictional narrative of being in Rio, fed and embellished by the media and swallowed by coworkers, but it’s through Betty that he’s establishing the fiction in a definitive way.  He wants HER to believe it, because if SHE believes he’s there and having a good time, then he can believe it too, with a small piece of his imagination.

- Same convincing as in Player.  BTW, how did all those messages on her phone work?  He was 99% totally hiding the situation from her.  a) why wouldn’t he just call her from his phone, as he always did in the past?  b) he was creating another fictional space.  Where her “number” was literally on a post-it on his temporary assistant’s monitor.  It’s all play: “call Betty” happens many times, and every one is the act of doing it while knowing that he’s not really doing it.  c) Betty does not point out that he should have been confused he never heard back, or more to the point, that he never heard her voicemail message.  d) he was in a state of limbo waiting for her to come back, nothing is real until she does.  At which point there’s lovely dramatic tension since he both wants her to fix it and get them out of there, and wants to draw her into this new reality and thus make it feel viable.

- 100th Anniversary edition.  I love the idea that he’s hep on her writing his bio because he needs her name, at least, to be next to his.  His identity as EIC is predicated on her being his partner, and needs that shown, even if it’s functionally an “in joke” because it’s not like she can be featured.  In musing over his thoughts while flipping through the book right before deciding to quit, I usually come back to a realization of the transience of the role, but I want it to be a gutpunch of how he assumed, without being aware, that Betty would be next to him in picture, and that’s what they were heading for.

- I’ve actually got through most of my notes, so just a couple more.  Daniel is super impressionable.  He did what Becks told him to in the pilot.  He did what Natalie told him in the cult-situation.  Both against his better judgment - his look after Betty when he kicked her out for being “drama he didn’t need” - that’s the same look when he told her to clock out and was dragged off by the not-16-year-old.  I’m too tired to go check the pilot, but assuming similar look there.  He does what he’s told by anyone telling him to do something, but he WANTS to be rescued from the bad influences, who are so often so forceful.

- Final scene: okay so it turns out quick a lot of my thoughts are trying to understand Daniel.  His growth is blatant and deep.  So a second round will be more Betty-focused.  ‘Cuz I identify strongly with her and don’t have a lot of surface questions about her motivations, but I’m LOST on side of the romantic coin.  And plus she deserves a close look regarding how she grows during the series.

- I watched at least part of the reunion and very much like how AF answered the question of the final scene versus what EM says.  Because I think they each, as actors, see it from the perspective of their characters, which means it was played authentically and grants insight.  AF basically says that she saw it as Daniel coming to say thank you, and how it came down to Betty teaching him that he was good enough.  Which came across a little funny because her phrasing implied they’d never talk or see each other again or something and that’s an alarming finality.  But also implies that Betty really did see moving to London as a significant parting of ways, something that started as soon as she became an editor and their relationship changed.  Probably before.

- She then challenged EM as to why Daniel didn’t say goodbye (as if she didn’t know and hadn’t thought about it?  I’m guessing this was panel performance: asking the question “in character” and throwing the question to the other relevant actor.)  But anyway, EM’s answer was “Because things were just starting.”  Which is blatantly a shippy answer, and he even explains Daniel’s “revelation” as when he “really saw Betty for the first time through and through.”

- At some point in these things you’re like: oh but I thought of something else, and only stop when your brain falls asleep.

- I thought of something else.  And then I forgot it.  My brain is failing!  But not yet failed.

- After Betty gets her braces off there’s this scene near the end, at the shoot.  Daniel sees her and crosses quite purposefully to talk with her.  He wants to banter and share this exciting moment with her.  And the scene goes a little strange when Betty kinda goes “yeah, going now bye.”  I expected more eye contact, a big smile, more conversation.  That’s Betty.  That’s them.  But instead it’s a little awkward so Something Is Happening Here.  Is she self-conscious?  Did she see and hear something in Daniel’s look and comment right after she was detached from the bra and isn’t at this moment comfortable with him?  Is this all fallout from her dream in which she and Daniel slept together/he thought she was a bad person/rejected her only they chose not to explicate this/cut a useful scene/thought I’d get that right away but I’m obtuse?  I don’t think it’s the last one because while I can be horribly obtuse, I don’t think it was coded.  But that’s what the obtuse would say.

- At any rate they don’t pick up on it again, next scene (next ep) they’re back to normal.

- But Daniel does immediately chase after Amanda and let go of her.  Which is payoff for his convo with Betty earlier where she sort of disdainfully asks if he WANTS a more serious relationship with Amanda.  I did sort of wonder if he actually does, but Betty’s judgmentalness is what convinces him he doesn’t.  Usually I’d say Betty understands him so well she knows he doesn’t, but they’re not as close at this point, Betty is living her own life much more, so I dunno.

- But I don’t actually think Daniel was falling for Amanda, or that the show wanted us to think that was ultimately a viable path.  Because of that moment when he’s in a car, calls Amanda, says “I really need to see  you” and she turns him down.  It parallels his text to Betty when Molly died.  One text and Betty came over.  This was an actual distressed voice convo and Amanda doesn’t care enough about him to be there, which is really great development for Amanda even though we don’t see her!  She previously went after Matt when he was in jail, she’s interested in Tyler here, she’s not totally pining for Daniel!

- Daniel of course was using Amanda and their earned if mild emotional intimacy as a crutch, trying to fill the space Betty left.  Also note when Amanda turned him down for sex and he stayed to “hang out,” - this is not supposed to be an analysis of Amanda but I wanna note I like that moment because it felt like she was pleased to think she wasn’t just sex to him, while still being over him romantically. Because she does care about him.

- Or for pete’s...  I have this bad habit of writing notes which I later look at and am like... “huh?”  This is a fic idea, from Daniel’s POV: “Betty had moulded him, often by sheer force of her iron will, into being a man who almost deserved Molly.  And he'd turned right around and become a man who would never deserve Betty.”  And I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT THE SECOND HALF MEANS.  Specifically.

- Wedding dancing.  Happens twice.  Hilda’s wedding, we know what that is.  But at Daniel’s wedding.  I like that he wasn’t 100% Molly focused, ‘cuz, shipper.  And I know why the show had Matt cut in, because gotta keep things moving.  But isn’t it a thing that you don’t cut in on the groom/bride?  It’s their day.  Daniel just sort of nonverbally asks Betty if it’s okay (to leave her with Matt), but can’t help a) thinking he was a bit put out and b) want Molly to see his expression looking at Betty and have some sort of “aha” moment where she - do Molly and Betty have any scenes together?  I don’t remember seeing any and I think I did skim through all the eps, but I need to do that again.

- Ooh, one of the things I forgot en route!  I like that Betty has revolving love interests, because that’s textual argument for Betty never having feelings (romantic) for Daniel.  Which is super, super important in this iteration of the story.  There’s a couple moments - pilot and the first bridge scene - where she arguably has a momentary crush, which quickly settles into a developing platonic relationship.  

- Jump back to Daniel finally seeing Betty as a true equal = romantic feelings.  It’s a thing.  Look my brain is deteriorting and wording is hard!  So there’s two sided imbalance throughout.  Daniel always saw Betty with this veneer of youth, and a great deal of his use for her is helping her “grow into the woman she’ll be.”  And that’s the roadblock in him seeing her as a romantic possibility.  Which was initially quite awesome because he was sleeping with people younger than her, even the “she’s actually 20″ girl was younger than Betty.  And yet always saw her as in many ways more mature and competent than her.  And double-yet he still saw how much further she could, and would, grow.  His belief in her knows no bounds.

- Meanwhile Betty sees him as...  someone who’s also becoming.  Who has great potential.  Bullying him into it if necessary.  And because he’s guided by her, she can’t crush on him, he’s like her pet.  Were she to have a crush, much less fall for him, it would have been horrifying.  She needs to have a moment when she sees him as a true equal, someone who - look, everyone is always still growing so it’s not like he needs to be fully formed, and it’s a little murkier what the moment would look like when she finally sees Daniel “for the first time.”

- ‘cuz as noted, Betty has been there for pretty much every important moment of growth and crossroads in every facet of Daniel’s life.  Whereas Betty consistently had many things and relationships in her life Daniel was not involved in.  She’s always been way more self-reliant (not the word I wanted, is there one that starts with c?)  It’s why they did sort of need to peel away through a chunk of S4, because Daniel needed to learn to cope without Betty propping him up, because it’s like a Miranda-thing:

- “I don’t need Gary.  But I want him.”

- Daniel has to be able to be find without Betty before Betty can see him as a viable romantic partner.  She has to see something she never has before.  Daniel saw that the seedling he’d been protecting was not only strong enough to survive on its own had grown up and bloomed (process begun early in the season when he was being overprotective and she shut that down).  For Betty...  I guess Daniel...  ...  .....  it didn’t happen in the show.  As EM noted, for Daniel, the ending was the beginning.  Because his moment isn’t leaving MODE, that’s just the corresponding moment to Betty shaking him off.  His moment is further down the road when he puts into practice everything he’s learned and ...  something answered in fanfic because it’s spec and I’m tuckered.

[dutchdread]

What is Love? Baby don't hurt me.

This article sets out to define different types of love in a meaningful way, and argue why the specifics surrounding Aerith and Cloud makes it so that the commonly accepted romantic version of the emotion can't apply. __________________________________________________

Whenever you talk to anyone, it's important to be on the same page, and one of the most important parts about that is making sure that you're speaking the same language. I am sure we've all had moments where we were arguing with someone only to discover that you both believed the exact same thing, but that you simply used a different word to describe said thing.

"That's what I've been saying" "No, that's what I've been saying!" "Well what are we even arguing about then?!"

When that happens, you're not arguing about the topic itself, you're arguing about semantics, about language.

An argument about whether or not what Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith felt for each other would fall under "love" is a debate about language, not FFVII, and I am not here to have a conversation about language. Unfortunately, before I can actually have a conversation about FFVII, a conversation about language is apparently needed.

Love is an incredibly broad term, used to express what we feel about our family, our pets, our friends, our "lovers", and even our favorite songs, weather, and food. So why the hell do we ask "who did Cloud love" as if love is some singular binary system?

I can never prove that what a character feels isn't love, I can only assert that I personally wouldn't use the word "love" to describe said feeling, and explain why I wouldn't. When we ask "does Cloud love Tifa or Aerith", we are presupposing a concept of "love", and asking who it applies to.

"I pity you, you just don't get it at all, there is nothing I don't cherish"

But it applies to both, and it applies to Barret, and Marlene, and Denzel, and everyone. Because love is far too broad a term to start with, it's a catch-all. Instead of starting with a preconception of what love is, and seeing who has it, we should describe what people actually have, and see what their individuals shapes of love look like.

Even so, I will do my best to describe what I mean by romantic love, as opposed to a crush, or infatuation, or attraction, so that when I say "Cloud and Aerith don't (and can't) romantically love each other", that it's clear what that assertion means to me.

I'm going to tell you a story, a story that, admittedly, doesn't make me look good, but which will hopefully provide context for what I think love is and why.

When I was younger I wasn't the most popular kid, back then I assumed I was unattractive, as an adult I realize its because I was socially awkward as fuck (I was actually cute as heck if I do say so myself). However, by the time I got to highschool I had made a best friend and had managed to figure out and fake social conventions enough that I could at the very least solve my issues through humor instead of violence. The change from typical village kids to a wider pool of potential friends also enabled me to finally find people who were more like me. Even so, the whole social outcast part was still ingrained deeply enough in me that I was mostly putting on an act in front of people, saying whatever I needed to say in order to get a certain reaction, in order to be liked, rather than just being myself. I had had crushes before, when you're alone it's easy to really fall for someone, and hell, I was always a sucker when it came to love stories, but my childhood had basically left me too nervous that I'd say the wrong thing to ever actually say the right thing when I really liked a girl. However, generally being the life of the party left me with a string of girlfriends I didn't care too much about. Even so, I eventually met a girl that I was instantly smitten with, the most attractive girl I knew and somehow I managed to start dating her, and hell, I even thought I loved her. I dated said girl for several years, but without going into spoilers I'll just say that I left that relationship pretty jaded and and disillusioned with the concept of love. I felt like I had done everything I could and love in general was bullshit and was honestly pretty done with women in general. Ironically my new pessimistic attitude made me much more successful with women than I had ever been before, by that time I was known as someone who was fun to party with, and unlike the majority of people my age I was in incredible shape and still had all my hair. However, while I enjoyed my newfound popularity there was a part of me that really resented it because I realized that what women seemed to react positively to wasn't what I imagined love to be like and I hated that. I hated that when I used to be kind and filled with notions of "true love" no one was interested, but now that I was disinterested and clearly manipulative women seemed to throw themselves at me. During that time I basically stopped looking for a meaningful relationship and just decided to have fun until my life would, inevitably, fall apart.

Eventually though I got a girlfriend who I didn't deserve and was much too good for me. However, when I did I was no longer interested in building a relationship and I was pretty certain that it would eventually fall apart anyway like everything else. As a result I mainly cared about what I could get from her, I didn't act like a proper partner and I when I thought about "fixing the relationship" I was thinking mostly about what she could do to be a better girlfriend, honestly, part of me actually resented her for not being my ex. When talking about our issues the general terms were "I'll do this, but only if you fix that". Without going into details, the general gist is that we had a horrible start to our relationship and that affected everything that came after it.

Eventually though this girl who I once mainly saw as just another temporary part of my life became something more to me, she became a more complete person. I mellowed out, and started appreciating her more, I decided to get us to work on the relationship but the damage was basically already done. She'd given up on me ever wanting to settle down and had started distancing herself from me emotionally and eventually I became sick of fighting for the relationship by myself and we broke up. Afterwards, free of pressure, I sat back and l evaluated what I wanted in life, I thought about myself, and her, REALLY thought about her. The good parts, and the bad. And I realized that all the things I was annoyed about were honestly absurd. I decided I was going to fight for her, not just "try to fix the relationship" by figuring out what worked and what didn't, but I just decided I was going to properly appreciate her, be the best boyfriend I could be, and not ask for anything in return. And let me tell you, that change in mindset changed EVERYTHING for me. Within months I became absolutely smitten with her, when I first started the relationship I was honestly annoyed if we met up and didn't have sex, now just sitting on the couch under a blanket with her became the highlight of days, even the things I once saw as negatives became a precious part of the puzzle that made her her. My biggest regret in life is still that I couldn't be the person she made me back when I first met her. (and concerning looks, she is honestly so much more gorgeous than the ex it's not even funny, how did I not see that?). The point of all this is that love isn't automatic, it's not something that happens without your consent, it's the result of actions, of decisions. When you choose to take the time to look at your significant other, and soak up and appreciate who they are and what they do, when you put in the effort, that's when love grows. I've gone from being sick and tired of someone I had been with for years, to being absolutely infatuated with them, simply by making a decision. I could not have made that decision had I not been myself, that decision would have been false. Looking back, all those earlier girls I've been infatuated with, that wasn't love, I didn't even know who they were, I barely knew who I was. No matter how much passion I felt in the moment, no matter how much fun I had in the times we spent together, now I don't even remember their names.

Love isn't your heart beating faster, it's not that instinctive nervousness that comes with talking to a cute girl you just met. It's a complete and deep appreciation of a person, un understanding of who you are, who they are, and what that means to you. Love is what I feel for my brother, who is as much a part of me as my own arm, without whom I would not be me. Someone who isn't just another person in your life, but is a part of what you consider to be your life, without them your life could not be the same, because they're an absolutely crucial part of it. That doesn't happen in a week, because you can't really learn who someone is in a week, even if you could see all of it, you couldn't internalize it. You can always imagine living without them, because you were, just last week. There are people who meet their soulmates sure, and say they knew within a week, but had they never seen that soulmate again, they would not still be pretending they were "the one" years later, and if they were, their friends wouldn't be saying "that's love", they'd be saying "that's an unhealthy obsession". Cloud and Aerith barely knew each other, both when it comes to time, as well as to how much they actually knew about each other. Cloud had no idea of who he was or what was important to him in life, he was unable to be honest with others or even himself, so how would he ever be able to meaningfully make an informed decision to make the kind of emotional commitment that's the cornerstone of love? He didn't know himself, nor did he know Aerith, to whose feelings he was canonically oblivious and whose entire life was a mystery to Cloud. How can we say that Soldier Cloud is capable of knowing who he loves when he's not even aware of the the gigantic Tifa shaped area of his identity. Can Soldier Cloud determine what he values and why without the knowledge of what he's gone through in his life? Sure, but can Soldier Cloud make that determination for the real one? No. Soldier Cloud, and his emotions, have no relation to that of the real Cloud. The real Cloud must determine what people mean to him all by himself. And when it comes to real Cloud, it is pretty obvious who is the biggest part of his life, the person who defined it from the time he fell for her as kid, right through when he became a soldier to impress her, and up to and past the moment he started raising children with her. For Cloud it's pretty obvious who he has the deep personal understanding with, the girl who filled his sub-conscious, and was literally in his head with him, the girl who is stated to understand him best, and who has a shared story with him, having experienced both the good, and the bad, alongside him. Who was there with him when he was a child, who was there with him in Nibleheim, who found him when he lost his identity and gave him a new one, who was with him when Aerith died, who was with him when he broke, who was with him when he was catatonic, who was with him and helped him find himself again, who was with him during the last night underneath the highwind, who was with him at the end in the north cave, who he started living with afterwards, who waited patiently while he went to find himself, and welcomed him back with a smile. I am sure Cloud liked Aerith....but he LOVES Tifa.

[fading-lace]

“goodbye”

[todoroki X female!reader] 

Warnings: swearing, angst, inevitable sadness, small suicide mention, small suicide themes

summary: it was time to tell him how you have really been feeling this last year, sadness, depression, anger, hatred, envy, alone, unloved, 

A/N: idk, i just got a random wave of angst so,,,here you go. :)

you were sitting at your kitchen table, crying your eyes out. why did it have to be like this? it was so unfair...

Shoto Todoroki, your ex boyfriend from a year ago. he broke up with you because he “lost feelings.” bullshit. he just used you to get to another girl, and you were stupid enough to fall into his trap. the media didn’t help either, with both of you being pro heroes...it didn’t take long for everyone to find out about your breakup.

and now here you were, crying and clutching onto a wedding invitation like you were choking the air out of it. he had the audacity to invite you to his wedding, full well knowing of your past relationship. none the less, you went to the wedding, You were gonna tell him how you have felt this past year.

making it to the wedding, you wanted to barf. seeing him already was sickening enough, what were you going to do when you saw his bride? reluctantly you stayed, mingling with old classmates and other pro heroes. 

“(Y-Y/N?)? is that you?” you herd a voice call you.

you turned around to see no other than your best friend, Tsuyu Asui. or better known as ‘The rainy season hero: froppy.’ you haven’t seen her ever since your breakup, you pretty much stopped seeing anyone after that day.

“t-tsu!! its so nice to see you again!!” you cheered while giving her a hug.

the girl smiled and hugged back before pulling away to fully see you again. “are you doing ok? you haven’t seen anyone of us ever since you broke up with Todoroki, ribbit” 

you sighed, inevitably knowing this was gonna be brought up. “i-ive been doing great actually!! i mean...about ten mental breakdown a week, but thats normal anyways...so, what about you?”

she stuck out her tongue slightly as she put a finger to her chin and looking away, making her seem like she was deep in thought. 

“everything has been pretty normal, nothing really exiting has happened yet..”

you nodded and hummed in agreement, i guess everything was doing fine without you, wonderful. what a perfect way to make you hate yourself even more.

your conversation with your friend was interrupted by Izuku, todoroki’s best man it looks like, telling us to take our seats for the wedding. i growled under my breath, not wanting this to happen. not one bit.

i took a seat next to Tsuyu and patently waited for the ceremony to start. everyone turned their heads to watch everyone walk in from the outside. first it was Izuku with Mina, Kirishima with Jirou, Denki with Uraraka, and Iida with Momo. everyone had similes on their faces, while you didn’t. you didn’t want to be here at all, 

but then the moment you dreaded came, she walked out, with her white dress and her beautiful hair down and curled up, her vial following behind her as her dad walked the bride down the aisle. everyone stood up, but you refused, you would not show respect to her. not. at. all.

she f i n a l l y reached todoroki as the priest began the ceremony, saying his things he asked the bride to say her vows. 

“Shoto Todoroki, i love you so much and i am so thankful to become a Todoroki. you make me feel so happy and you make me smile more than anyone can. i can’t wait to grow old with you, i want to be together forever, and maybe even start a family...i cant imagine what my life would be like without you, Shoto...” she said as she slipped his ring on his finger.

“i, Shoto Todoroki, love you so much also. i have had relationships in the past and i thought they were the perfect one. turns out they weren’t. you are the perfect one for me. i love you so much and i will be willing to sacrifice anything to make you happy, i love your smile, your laugh, your everything. i want to start a family with you. i want to grow old with you. and after today we can do that, i love you so, so, so, so much...” Todoroki spoke while also slipping on her ring.

damn those words h u r t to hear. ‘i have had relationships in the past and thought they were the perfect one. turns out they weren’’t’ 

 he directed that towards you, making everyone oblivious to your past and think he is just talking about high school crushes. what a douche bag.

 the priest looked into the crowd before saying, “speak now, or forever hold your peace!!”

well this was your time to shine, you stood up and walked out into the aisle so then you could be seen better.

“(Y-Y/N)? w-what are you doing?” todoroki asked, shock filled in his voice and eyes.

   “Shoto Todoroki, my ex. must be nice to be in love huh? you said you were in love with me, what happened? found another bitch to fuck instead?”

everyone gasped as todoroki took a protective stance in front of the girl.”(Y/N) what is this about?”

“what is this about? ha! its about you of course!!! silly you!!! apparently you can’t remember what you did to me that day, one year ago. you told me you lost feelings when literally the next day you started dating that spoiled brat. you failed to notice how i felt. you broke me, i graciously handed you my heart, my love, and you didn’t want it. instead you took a knife and stabbed it many, many, many times. you lied to me. you could of grown some fucking balls and could of asked her out. but nooooooooooo you had to be a back stabbing prick!! this past year i have been in my house, crying myself to sleep every night. contemplating suicide, falling into a even deeper depression, and even trying to commit suicide!!! i love you Shoto!!! i loved you so very very very much!!! and yet you still chose to fall for that fat ass bitch!!!”

everyone was speechless, nothing to say at your outburst. yes it was disrespectful, mean, and horrible. but you had to get your feelings out.

finally todoroki deiced to speak up. “you need to realize, its time to move on. maybe if you weren’t so obsessed with me and actually cleaned yourself up. maybe, just maybe someone would love you.”

this took you aback and made others gasp audibly. “you dont understand” i said with tears in my eyes. who the fuck does he think he is for telling me that no one was able to love me? 

“oh so i don’t understand now, what are you? a angsty teenager? get over yourself” 

that was the last straw.

“listen here jackass!!! i did everything i could in our relationship to make it last!!! you just used me!! you dont understand how i feel!!! i feel betrayed!! because i was!! maybe it was a mistake even having a crush on you!!! i should of ended my feelings before it escalated!!! i hate you todoroki!!! i hate you!!! i hope you die a slow, horrible, gruesome death!!! and then i will be dancing and spitting on your grave!!! how dare you disrespect me like that!!! how dare you disrespect a women!! go buy some fucking respect women juice because you clearly need it!!!! so stop acting like the spoiled, rich ass two-year old you are, and fucking realize what you did wrong and apologize!!!” you screamed

everyone looked at me like you was insane, maybe you were. who knows?

“get out.” was all he said.

“fine, goodbye bitches. good riddance!!” you said as you walked out. flipping them off with both hands.

you felt better getting that off of your chest. maybe you shouldn’t of done it at a wedding. but they both deserved the wedding crash.

A/N: idk how to end this...but yea...i was feeling really angsty and was just like “why not?” it probably is trash but whatever-  :p ;-;

[narcissasdaffodil]

48 for drabbles, Marisol x MC <3

48: I called you at 2am because I need you

So I lost the prompt list but I’m going to take these from another one, hopefully that’s fine x Also, I hit 200k fic wise, so I’m posting a little something extra from my drafts x

Alecto had decided to visit Abby for 2 weeks in Los Angeles. She had decided to go on a whim after winning Love Island with Marisol earlier in the summer, but it being so incredibly last minute meant she had to leave Marisol behind in the UK.

Abby was still the same as ever, just as obsessed with rare bookshops, coffee and trying out new things. They hadn’t seen each other for years, but appeared to catch up in no time. Abby was writing music and pursuing her dreams, uni was definitely the wrong choice for her all those years ago.

Abby had managed to secure tickets for the Dodie concert, and they were just returning back to the apartment, arms laden with food and drinks. Both of them were high off adrenaline and happiness, their throats were sore from singing at the top of their lungs. Surprisingly, there was an actual queue for takeout food, and they had got delayed. Alecto always left her phone on silent, and had no real need for it throughout the night, apart from taking photos with Abby and experimenting at taking more types of photos. Photography was a passion for her, and she had gained some great shots. She would never do it for a career, her dream was to be a doctor so she followed her destiny there.

She rested her box of food, and her tiny bag on the side table, leaving her phone face up next to it, sitting cross legged on the couch and starting to tuck into her burger. Abby sat next to her, both of them focused on their food. The apartment was silent as they ate, both of them ravenous after the concert. Long hair started to slide out of the clip, making its way down Alecto’s shoulders.

Abby finished her food first, despite starting later, and removed the large hair clip from Alecto’s hair, pushing it out of her way and putting the clip safely on the side table. She heard a loud beep, and retrieved her phone from the table, her eyes drawn to the light coming from Alecto’s phone as she grabbed her own phone.

“Looks like someone keeps trying to reach you there, might be a good idea to check it.” She said, curling up and resting her phone on her knees, checking it.

Alecto nodded, giving her a thumbs up. Her mouth was full with burger, and she was always a very neat eater. She finished her mouthful and set down the empty box, retrieving her phone. She checks the time, noticing it was 2am. Her phone lit up again, and started to ring, Marisol’s name and picture on the display. Wait. Why has she texted you so many times? You do hope she’s okay.

Alecto pressed answer, putting her phone on speaker and turning the volume up.

“Hello?” Marisol sounded unsure, and her voice kept wobbling.

“Hello, are you okay? It’s 2am, but it’s fine.”

“I’m sorry... Forgot about the time difference, it’s 10am here. I haven’t been able to sleep at all, it’s been worrying me. But I don’t want to keep you up.” Marisol’s voice breaks slightly, not as sure of herself as she usually was.

“We came back from a concert not too long ago, we’ve only just had time to have food. That doesn’t matter though, if you need to talk it’s completely fine.” Alecto’s voice was soft and soothing, the sugar and energy from the concert forgotten. She hoped she could do the thing that Marisol did for her: being able to soothe her with just simple words and a warm hand.

“I’ve just been stressed about starting my second year of uni. It’s still a bit off yet, but I’m still nervous. And I struggle to sleep usually, but it’s different with you there, I can actually sleep properly. I kept waking up throughout the night, until I just gave up. I forgot what it was like to struggle to sleep, even though we haven’t been together for long at all. Sadie has been helping though, she loves me quite a lot currently. It’s surprising how much I miss you, and feels so silly.” Her voice sounded watery and kept shaking, getting considerably quieter. Alecto had to strain her ears slightly to hear, and turned up the volume on her phone.

“Do you want to have regular phone calls before you go to bed until I’m back? Will that maybe help a bit with the sleep issues? Also it isn’t silly! The same happened to me, when Abby first moved, and when I first went to uni. My sleeping pattern went out of the window a bit. When you care about someone and love them, it’s understandable to miss them if they’re not there with you constantly. I’m glad Sadie is a good stand in for me though, it’s a miracle she loves you as much as me! That’s so rare, you must be a cat whisperer or something.” Alecto heard a teary and snotty laugh on the other end, and grinned.

“If it’s not too much of a bother, that would be lovely. It’s surprising that I’m actually upset hearing your voice on the phone. I never got homesick when I first left home in the slightest, I was so independent from my family in general that I didn’t really miss them when I left. But you...it’s different. You care about me so much, you’re my safe space, my home. Sadie has been amazing company though, having her has helped a little. I’m not sure if part of my issue here is that...I don’t really have many friends in uni, or in general. I’ve never felt overly lonely, but for some reason, now I do.”

“Not actually surprising. When I first heard my dad’s voice on the phone, I did get pretty upset. Aww, the fact you feel that way about me does warm my heart. I guess if you’ve always been an outcast, it’s hard to deal with other people being different and actually having friends. I was the same when I first got closer to Abby, having two very toxic friends landed me with a shed load of issues and took a lot of courage to let them go. So finally having a healthy friendship and healthy family relationships was strange. But once you find your own friends, you’ll be okay. I understand that scares you, and you prefer to cut yourself off instead and stay at a distance, using the analysis thing as a defence mechanism but I hope that you’ll stop relying on it so heavily with me by your side. You’re not alone either, you still have Hope and Bobby, and both are long distance friendships but still equally as valuable.” Abby prodded her in the arm, trying to hint that she wanted to speak.

“Abby wants to speak to you, let me know if that’s okay.”

“That’s definitely fine.”

“Cool, handing you over now.” Alecto handed her phone to Abby.

“Hi. You clearly mean a lot to Alecto and you’re super special to her, so as her best friend, I’d like to talk to you more and get to know you better. Most of the people she’s dated previously I haven’t been too keen on, but you’re different. I know it might be a little weird, as I did date her before, but we’re still friends and all, and I’d love to extend that to you.”

“Really? I don’t have an issue with you two being friends in the slightest, from what I know, you two were friends first then started dating, so it wasn’t great that people expected you to give that up. Exes can be friends, there’s nothing against it! I’ve never done that myself, but ended up having a lot of messy breakups, even dated my best friend in secondary school and that completely broke the friendship. Olivia did break my heart, so the fact that I could open my heart up enough for Alecto is a big deal. I’m rambling now, but if you’re fine with it, cool.” Marisol was speaking pretty quickly, causing Abby to grin.

“Yup. I definitely mean that, the fact you don’t see me as threatening means a lot. Some people who Alecto’s dated, like only once or twice, had such an issue with it, that it did both of our heads in. I mean, I have a girlfriend now, so I’m not going to ruin anything, like people assumed. I do understand though, and I like you because of the way you and Alecto operate. So that’s all, I just wanted to let you know. I’ll hand you back to Alecto then.” Abby grinned, her voice warm.

“Okay, thank you! It does mean a lot.”

Abby grinned, moving to sort the boxes of food out and sort the mess in her apartment.

“Back to me again. Does that help? You do seem considerably happier, which is reassuring.”

“Yes, I am. It’s sweet of Abby to care about me, so that helps. I’ve never talked about Olivia to anyone apart from you before. So that’s a big deal. But I should probably let you go to bed soon, it’s really late in LA, I know.” Marisol’s voice was still watery, but she had gained enough stability to reassure Alecto a bit.

“Goodnight then. Call you tomorrow, well later today! Let’s organise a time via text or something.”

“Goodnight. See you.” When Marisol hung up, her voice sounded warmer already.

Alecto yawned, getting to her feet. She made her way to Abby’s guest bedroom, getting ready for bed. Once in bed, she dropped off quickly.

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Riverdale 5x05 Review

Well I’m still reeling this is the third episode in row of Riverdale that I’ve enjoyed it seems to me like its got some of the its magic from season 1 back. I’m really enjoying seeing them as adults so far and most of the storylines are interesting to me. So lots to talk about, as always these are my own opinions and there are spoilers obviously. 

Jughead

Ok so first lets talk about Jughead and what he is up to this episode. The first scene we really get with him is when he is talking to Betty. We learn that part of the reason Betty never got in touch with Jughead was because on the night of his book launch Jughead left Betty a voicemail that made her think that he wouldn’t want to hear from her again. I am really curious to know what was said on that voicemail. Jughead does apologise for making it sound that way and that it wasn’t his intention which only makes me all the more curious. If he didn’t mean it the way Betty interpreted then what did he mean? I feel like it was probably a case of Jughead drunk dialling his ex and maybe be more honest than he normally would have been. I mean we know he wrote about thier relationship in his book so on the night of the launch his mind was likely on their relationship and how it ended and the betrayal he felt which then likely led to him calling Betty and leaving the voicemail. We’ll most likely learn more about the voicemail in a flashback but until then we can only speculate what it was about.  

So this may be an unpopular opinion but I’m actually happy that Toni, Sweetpea and Fangs called Jughead out on using them in his novel without asking them first. I said way back in my review for episode 19 that Jughead has this habit of using his friends stories and trauma’s to write his stories but he doesn’t ever seem to ask their permission or check if they would be ok with it. We see him do it when he writes about Jason and then when he writes about Betty’s dad and then again when he writes about Reggie’s abuse in episode 19. I think its about time somebody called him out on it and I hope that he learns from this. I think is starting to understand that its not ok because whilst he sent the chapters about Pop to the publishers he was clearly reluctant to actually write a novel about him, we can also see him look over to Tabitha at that moment which makes me think he knows she’ll be upset if he uses Pop Tate for the basis of his next novel. 

There are two things that Jughead is struggling with in this episode one is that he still has writers block and the second is that he still has a huge amount of debt and collectors looking for him. He is staying in the bunker which I think is really sad because it was obvious that he felt embarrassed to tell his friends that he is in trouble and struggling, Archie thinks he’s staying at the Five Seasons. He’s come back to town and all his friends believe he’s this successful world famous writer as Archie puts it and so Jughead is probably feeling really insecure about telling them that he actually has writers block and debts. Then Archie asks him if he will write a speech for Pop Tate’s retirement. Can I just say how much I love Pop Tate. That scene where Jughead hides from the debt collectors and Pop instead of judging him actually asks how much it is he owes because he wants to help. Like the guy was literally prepared to give up his retirement pay to help Jughead out the man is a pure angel. I am also really glad that Jughead said no and pointed out that he wasn’t low enough to take Pop’s retirement pay. I do think this is what changes Tabitha’s mind about hiring Jughead as she seemed cold towards him to start with. I will say I am really liking what we’ve seen of Tabitha so far she seems like the kind of woman who won’t take crap from no one and can stand up fro herself but I feel like underneath that she’s got a good heart too. I think two of the lines that really sold me on her character were when she was talking to the debt collectors and she says she’d ‘remember a weird ass name like that’ in regards to Jughead but even better than that when the guy called her sweetie and she called him pumpkin in reply. Judging by next weeks promo and the fact that Jughead is now going to be working at Pop’s it does look like Jughead and Tabitha are going to be getting alot of scenes together and so far I’m liking their dynamic so I’m looking forward to seeing more of them together. 

One of my favourite moments in this episode was Jughead’s speech at Pop’s retirement party. I will confess to tearing up and I loved that analogy of Pop’s being like a lighthouse in the dark for them. The idea that whenever things got really dark in Riverdale they always had a safe place to go. I also loved when Jughead was clearly emotinal talkng about how Pop was about the only reason he made it through. I also love that it was Pop that broke through Jughead’s writers block and got him writing again. It’s like Archie says Jughead does his best writing in a booth at Pop’s. Hopefully his journey this season will be him rediscovering what made him a writer in the first place and him finding himself again because I really do think he’s very lost right now.  

Veronica

Honestly I’m not really loving Veronica’s storyline so far. I said in my last review that I surprisingly didn’t hate Chad and that to me he just seemed like an overly concerned husband but that I suspected that they were going to make me hate him. Well I was right I am not a fan of Chad. I mean freezing their joint accounts and having her followed all because she’s in a different town from you is going way too far. Also I’m not sure exactly what Veronica’s plan was she sold some things to get cash and a gun and was planning to buy a car and go to LA for a job as a sports agent and to be honest I have so many questions. Firstly why on earth does Veronica suddenly want to become a sports agent? I mean last week she was talking about wanting to be the She Wolf of Wallstreet again, this week she wants to go to LA and become a sports agent. Also this happened before she found out that Chad had frozen the accounts and was having her followed so I’m just confused had she already decided that she wanted to leave him before he did those things? I mean she does lie to him and say she was online shopping as oppose to trying to buy a plane ticket to LA. Also right before that scene she was talking to Hiram about her and Chad buying a weekend home in Riverdale so was that just a cover for why she wanted back in on the family business? 

Speaking of Hiram we learn that Veronica never told him that she was marrying Chad which Hiram is upset about but you know her last boyfriend he tried to murder on several occassions so its really not that surprising that Veronica didn’t tell him. Later Veronica does go back to him for help at Reggie’s advice hoping that he would, I don’t know, scare Chadwick into not being as obsessive. Look I get it Chad is a obsessive and controlling husband and Veronica is a strong independant woman who doesn’t want to be tied down. But to be honest I just don’t think Veronica is handling it the best way. Neither is Chad. You’ve got him having her followed and freezing the accounts but then you’ve got her trying to buy plane tickets behind his back and going to her daddy instead of talking to him herself. I just don’t think her storyline is being as well written as it should be. Also once again it revolves around the men in her life. I don’t know maybe its just me but so far I’ve found her storyline irritating at times and confusing at other times. Judging by her conversation with Archie I do feel like she feels trapped at the moment but instead of talking to her husband about it she’s trying to run away. Peronally I think if she’s not happy with Chad then she needs to divorce him. Or if she wants to make it work with him for whatever reason then she needs to start communicating with him and he needs to start listening to her. I just think overall I’m not really here for where it looks like this storyline is going. It reminds me way too much of Hermione and Hiram’s relationship which I am guessing is the point but that relationship I really hated so I was hoping not to have to watch Veronica go through the same thing. 

To be perfectly honest if I could choose who Veronica would ultimately end up with it would’ve been Reggie. I thought those two worked really well together as a couple. He supported her in her career and deeply cared about her but the problem in that relationship is that I felt like it was too one sided and there were times when I felt like Veronica didn’t treat him well, I think she was still too hung up on Archie to really commit to Reggie. However as adults they might have stood a better chance. They do get a scene in this episode where she goes to him to buy a car and he asks if she is running away from her husband before telling her to ask her dad for help. It did seem like Reggie cares about Veronica. But then he is working for her father which I am really curious to know how he ended up in that situation. I do wonder if they’ll give him a redemption arc this season or whether they are going to make him full villian.      

Ultimately I am glad that at the end of the episode Veronica did kind of lay down the law with Chad and call him out on his behaviour and let him know that she’s not going to put up with it. I do wonder where their marriage is going to go from here. We know he shows up in Riverdale next episode from the synopsis. To be honest the idea of both Chad and Hiram in the same town fills me with dread and I do feel like Hiram is going to manipulate Chad into going down an even darker path. 

Barchie 

Now onto my favourite part of the episode I loved all the scenes we got of Barchie. Obviously for a barchie shipper that shower scene was amzing and jaw dropping but on top of that there were so many other little moments and details that I just loved. I felt like they had alot of throwbacks to previous moments in their relationship. Like that scene when they are at the window spying on the ghoulies and Betty admits that her and kevin used to sneak peeks hoping Archie would be shirtless. It took me right back to that scene in the pilot episode. Also maybe it was jsut me but that scene seemed really flirty to me. But also you can see how well Betty knows Archie and how much she cares. She knows it must be hard for him seeing the home that he grew up and where all his memories of his father are being trashed by the ghoulies. I also love that she offered her help it really reminds us of how they will always have each others backs.

I think this continues with Archie showing concern over Betty’s situation with Polly. I think the thing I love most about those little scenes where they clearly care about each other problems is that its not about their romantic relationship in those moments its about that deep friendship they have with each other showing how strong their bond is. I think having that deep friendship as a foundation will make any romantic relationship they might choose to persue later even stronger. Another little scene that was really cute was when they were texting each other and again Archie was asking after Polly clearly showing that he cares about Betty’s problems. I also loved that she was the first to agree to his plan for them all to become teachers. Also that scene during the raid where they bump into each other and they both check the other is ok and Archie puts a hand on her back.   

So lets talk about that shower scene. I know some people feel like it came out of nowhere and it was really random. I kind of get where they are coming from but to be honest me personally I didn’t think it cam eout of nowhere at all. Firstly there was four seasons of build up to this moment. Also there were moments throughout the episode that were ramantically and sexually charged they were just subtle. For example like I said above that scene where Betty is talking about wanting to see him shirtless it had a very flirty feel to it. Also after Archie tells Betty about seeing Polly with the Ghoulies and Betty says when do we kick their asses Archie was definitely turned on by her in that moment judging by the look that comes across his face. Then there is the scene right before. Their conversation starts out innocent enough they both need a shower but I think that then leads them to both imagining the other in the shower. The thing I loved was that you can see them both decide together that its what they want to do. The way they looked at each other right before really reminded me of the way they looked at each other right before their kiss during Hedwig. But the thing I loved the most was after the shower scene because THEY ACTUALLY TALKED!!! Like they had an open honest conversation about what had happened between them and about how they had wanted to do it since high school. When Betty said that I again flashed bakc to one of their previous scenes which is when they were in the bunker and Betty says its not like they could do more than this. I said in my review for that episode that the line was really significant becaus eit showed that Betty wanted to do more. This confirms that. I also feel like its confirmation that a large part of the reason why they didn’t take it further then wasn’t becaus ethey didn’t have feelings for each other but because they didn’t want to hurt Jughead and Veronica. After the shower scene not only do they talk about what had just happend but they also have a conversation about where they are going to go from there and they make a FWB agreement. I also think it is significant that Betty points out that Veronica is married and that her and Jughead have been over for a long time. I think Barchie have found themselves in a new situation for them where they’ve reunited after seven years to discover that those feelings they had before are still there but for the first time there is nothing standing in there way there’s no significant others to hurt for once they can give in to those feelings and boy do they. 

Another thing that I think is significant in that talk was that Betty says they are both single adults. I made a post before the episode addressing how people were saying Betty was cheating on Glen and that I pointed out that we haven’t actually been told the nature of their relationship but that I got the sense that it was a casual thing maybe a FWB thing or even not that far maybe they had just been out on a couple of dates. To me her saying that she is single is confirming that her relationship with Glen isn’t something that is exclusive. Of course she could be lying to Archie but I doubt it. I do think Glen is going to be used as a plot device to drive Barchie together. I think he is going to show up in Riverdale at some point and that’s going to cause some jealousy for Archie which will lead to them having another conversation about what they are to each other. I mean at the moment it looks like they are going to be sneaking around and jumping each others bones every chance they get but we all know how the FWB thing usaully goes and I think as time goes on they will relaise that they do want something more with each other.

Archie and the ghoulies 

So Archie’s main goal this episode was getting his home back. He says to betty that he’s going to win back the town building by building if he has too and he is starting with his house. But they can’t just go barging in there they need a plan first. Archie gets help from Tom Keller who we find out is now having to run the sheriff office by himself but that reggie is head of a private security force owned by Hiram. Tom tells Archie that if he tells Reggie anything then he’ll tip the Ghoulies off but Archie decides to use this to his advantage and lets reggie tip them off so that he can get a lay of the situation. One thing I did notice is that when Archie says its almost like they’ve been tipped off Reggie looked I’m not kind of sad or guilty. I mean I could be projecting but I feel like he’s not 100% ok with working with Hiram. Again I am really curious to know how that came about. But I thought those scenes were actually kind of sad because he and Archie were friends and so its not fun to see them on different sides. After getting an idea of what they are dealing with Archie, Betty, Kevin, Sweet Pea, Fangs and Tom all raid the house. I loved this scene it was so good very action movie feels to it and they are successful at getting Archie’s house back. 

The other concern Archie has is keeping the school open so he comes up with the plan for them to all become teachers. To be honest when I first saw that spoiler way back when I was really worried about how they would write them all becoming teachers in a way that would make sense. But I actually think this works and I am surprisingly invested in the plotline of saving Riverdale. I think I just really want to see Hiram lose. Also as a sidenote poor Kevin having to teach like five classes. 

Toni

I am loving all the scenes with Toni she really is an absolute queen. I think my favourite moment for her this episode was the speech she made at the meeting. I also loved when she was introducing the core four as the new teachers and shes telling them all their credentials and they each stand up in turn, it was very riverdale. Also the scene between her and cheryl was sad but kind of sweet too. I mean Cheryl always looks like shes on the verge of breaking down into tears she is very clearly really struggling right now. When Toni said if our love meant anything at all to you it really pulled at my heart strings especially as Cheryl does end up giving the money to help keep the school open as a private school. I also love that she seems to head most of the meetings they have and she seems to very much have stepped into a leadership type role. I also love that she doesn’t take any of Hiram’s BS and I loved her line that if he wanted to mess with the serpent queen he was going to get bit. I also liked how she using her serpents to get into Hiram’s office and find out about his plans to dissolve Riverdale. I enjoyed everryone of Toni’s scenes and I can’t wait to see even more of her. 

Betty and Polly

Polly is back and so are the twins who we get a quick glimpse of. It seems like things have been strained between Polly and Betty this whole time and they have a conversation and try to clear the air a bit but Betty begins to get very suspicious of what going on with Polly which leads to even more tension. It seems like Polly may or may not be dealing and she almost certainly is working the night to put it politely. Both Polly and Alice point out to Betty that she can’t just come bakc after seven years away and start judging them for the things they are doing to survive. It does seem like everyone left in Riverdale is really struggling and having to do things that they don’t really want to but they have to to  survive. I think Betty is slowly starting to understand that the Riverdale she came back to is not the same as the one she left behind. It isn’t looking good for Polly right now as the last we saw of her she was running away looking terrified from the same truck that squeaky got into last episode. I also think its going to take them a hot beat to realise that she is in trouble because of Alice’s statement about her going off the grid in the past before eventually showing up again. 

Ok I am going to leave it there for now as I am really tired and need to get some sleep. Overall I really enjoyed this episode and once again I am looking forward to the next.          

[oblivi-ace97]

Alright so my post about Why Ross Geller is a Horrible Human Being has been getting a lot of attention lately, so I finally got around to finishing season 2′s list. 

Without further ado...

Reasons Why Ross Geller is a Horrible Human Being

Season 2:

Episode 1: The One with Ross’s New Girlfriend

·       When he is on the phone with Julie they do the whole “you hang up no you hang up” thing. (this isn’t really something that makes Ross horrible but this is annoying as hell)

Episode 2: The One with the Breast Milk

·       Freaked out when Phoebe and Joey drank Carol’s breast milk and when they asked what the big deal was he replied with “but it’s BREAST milk.”

·       Said breast milk is gross

·       Only tried it when he found out that Susan had tasted it

Episode 3: The One Where Heckles Dies

·       He makes a big deal about Phoebe not believing in evolution (like just the way he reacted and would not let it go)

·       Phoebe asks why can’t she believe in one thing and he believe in another and Ross says he can’t (and then Phoebe calls him out on his need for everyone to agree with him and it was great)

·       Literally brings fossils as evidence to show Phoebe that evolution is real (let it go Ross)

Episode 4: The One with Phoebe’s Husband

·       N/A

Episode 5: The One with Five Steaks and an Eggplant

·       Ross makes the comment about never thinking about money as an issue.

·       When Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel get uncomfortable with the fact that Ross, Monica, and Chandler bought them all concert tickets he says, “ Could you be less enthused?” and “We’re just trying to do a nice thing here.”

·       “I don’t understand it’s like we can’t win with you guys.” Said when Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey express how they feel about the concert tickets

Episode 6: The One with the Baby on the Bus

·       N/A

Episode 7: The One Where Ross Finds Out

·       When he finds out that Rachel has feelings for him he gets mad at her for telling him

·       He asks her why she told hm now and nor before he met Julie and Rachel tells him that she didn’t realize until he was in China that she had feelings for him

·       Rachel points out that for a year he never said anything to her but he says that Italian guys and her ex-fiancé got in the way (it’s always someone else’s fault isn’t it Ross)

·       Stares at Rachel through the door of the coffee house like a creeper

·       Kisses Rachel when he is in a relationship with Julie and was just telling Rachel how he is happy with Julie

Episode 8: The One with the List

·       Just casually mentions his kiss with Rachel to Joey and Chandler like her doesn’t even care that he kissed a woman who wasn’t his girlfriend

·       Now he is all torn between Rachel and Julie

·       Makes a pros and cons list about Julie and Rachel (what the hell Ross)

·       Says Rachel is spoiled, ditzy, and too into her looks. He also says that Rachel is “just a waitress”

·       Then they only thing he says about Julie is that she’s not Rachel (then why, pray tell, did you start dating her?)

·       It is super awkward when he tells Rachel that he broke up with Julie (for me at least)

·       Tries to hide the list from Rachel

·       When Rachel sees the list and asks Ross what it is he responds with “Okay, just remember how crazy I am about you. Okay?”

·       Aks “is this over yet?” when Rachel is hurt that he said she was just a waitress

·       Climbs up the fire escape to Rachel’s balcony after Rachel wouldn’t buzz him in

·       “I know how you must feel.” Shut the fuck up Ross

·       “I want to be with you in spite of all those things” who Ross you really know how to woo a girl

·       “You know if this was the other way around, there is nothing that you could put on a list that could ever make me not want to be with you.” That is complete bullshit and you know it Ross

·       Gets a radio station to dedicate a song to Rachel “The next one’s dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel he wants you to know he’s deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes that you can find it in your heart to forgive him.” Dude that’s not gonna work you need to actually talk with her and acknowledge that what you did was a dick move. (shout out to radio host for stopping the song once Rachel called and told them what happened)

Episode 9: The One with Phoebe’s Dad

·       Seems annoyed that Rachel is still upset about the list

·       Pushes Rachel to make a list about him so she finally lists off some cons about him and he is hurt about the things she said

·       He continues to obsess over the things Rachel said (one of the things she said was that he is obsessive)

Episode 10: The One with Russ

·       This has nothing to do with Ross specifically, but in this episode Monica is dating “Fun Bobby” and they all realize that he has a drinking problem so Monica talks to him about it and he decides to stop drinking. So obviously he is going through withdrawal and there was probably a reason, like depression or anxiety or something, that caused him to start drinking in the first place and Monica and the others start complaining that he is boring now.

·       When Ross meets Russ (okay the plot of this episode was so stupid) he doesn’t like him solely because Russ is Rachel’s date

·       “I didn’t know we were seeing other people.” Oh my god Ross you were never seeing each other

·       Starts telling Rachel about a woman who works at the museum who likes him and he has been “keeping her at bay”

·       Is mad that Rachel is dating someone

Episode 11: The One with the Lesbian Wedding

·       Is clearly uncomfortable that Carol and Susan are getting married “as in I now pronounce you wife and wife?”

·       “I don’t get it. They already live together. Why do they need to get married?” shut the fuck up Ross

·       I will give him this, it is his ex’s wedding and he doesn’t have to be there if he feels weird going but deep down you know he is more uncomfortable with the fact that his ex-wife is marrying a woman.

·       Ross walks Carol down the aisle (like I kind of get it since Carol’s parents said they wouldn’t go to the wedding and Ross had agreed to go because of that but I still think it’s a little weird) when they get to the end of the aisle and Carol tries to go to Susan, Ross holds her back

·       I will give him this, when Carol told him that the wedding might be off because she was upset about her parents not coming he said that he agreed with Susan that they shouldn’t cancel the wedding because their wedding is for them not her parents. Susan thanked him at the end of the episode and they danced together (probably the only genuinely kind moment between Ross and Susan)

Episode 12: The One After the Super Bowl: Part 1

·       When the zookeeper tells Ross to meet him in the nocturnal house, Ross responds with, “Hey look I don’t really enjoy being with other men that way.” Why is that the first thing that pops in your head Ross?

Episode 13: The One After the Super Bowl: Part 2

·       Ross and Joey make fun of Chandler when his date left him in the bathroom in nothing but her underwear. They even look over the stalls so they can see him.

·       They also refused to give him any of their clothes so he could leave.

Episode 14: The One with the Prom Video

·       Ross takes a message for Rachel but when he finds out it’s from a guy who might want to ask her out he hides the message in a cabinet

·       Talks about how he and Rachel were so close to getting together but he doesn’t understand what happened. Ross you hurt her with that stupid pros and cons list that’s what happened.

·       Ross and Monica make fun of the bracelet thing Joey gave Chandler.

·       He is once again getting all possessive of Rachel

·       Drives the guy Rachel was talking to away by saying he was responding to her ad and they had a date

·       After the guy leaves Ross says “you’re welcome” to Rachel, and says he was “saving her”

·       Rachel tells him, “We are never gonna happen okay, accept that.” And Ross says “Except that what?” he knows what she said he is just being an ass

·       The whole thing when he was gonna take Rachel to the prom is kind of creepy since he was in college at the time.

Episode 15: The One Where Ross and Rachel…You Know

·       Rachel is obviously nervous about being intimate and he doesn’t seem to care and he gets annoyed that Rachel keeps laughing

·       “The moment’s gone.” You know what Ross this is kind of a big step for the two for you and Rachel has a right to be nervous and you easily could have gotten back into the mood but you are just being an ass

·       Quick little off topic thing – anyone else creeped out by Monica and Richard’s relationship? I always thought it was creepy.

·       When Ross hears Monica has a date he keeps asking her who with even though she has told him no one (ok I know I just mentioned that I don’t like Monica and Richard’s relationship but like come on Ross respect your sister’s privacy)

·       I would just like to point out that Rachel is very understanding when Ross has to go to the museum to fix a display or whatever (keep this in mind for later)

·       How did Ross not get fired for having sex in the museum?

Episode 16: The One Where Joey Moves Out

·       Of course Ross is one of those people who hates tattoos.

·       He asks Phoebe all the cliché questions like “Why would you want to do that?” “Why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life?” “What if it doesn’t come out right?”

·       Thank god for Phoebe and her telling Rachel that Ross isn’t the boss of her.

·       Ross you do not own Rachel’s body and she is allowed to get a tattoo is she wants. I get so mad at the way he asks her “You got a tattoo?” he sounds like he’s about to reprimand her.

·       Then he pulls a complete 180 and is totally on board because he thinks the tattoo is sexy. I can’t with him.

Episode 17: The One Where Eddie Moves In

·       Rachel had accidently dropped a slice of apple pie in someone’s hood and when they were leaving she asked Ross to get the pie out of the hood. He acted like a mentally ill patient so they guy wouldn’t think it was weird.

·       Ross takes forever in Monica and Rachel’s bathroom. I get it Ross you spent the night there so you’re going to get ready there the following morning but respect the other people who live in the apartment.

·       Mocks Monica with an irritating voice when she asks him if he cleaned his hair out of the drain.

·       Monica was taking a nap and Ross was talking loudly on the phone.

·       Monica got a call from someone while Ross was using the phone (for nothing important) and tells the person that Monica is there but to call back later. He didn’t even right down a number so Monica could call her back.

·       Monica gets another call from her mother and Ross tells her it’s Richard so she ends up embarrassing herself.

·       He and Monica are acting like children fighting over the TV.

Episode 18: The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies

·       Asks Rachel how many guys she’s been with and when she mentions Paulo he calls him a “Weenie”

·       When Rachel tells him that she’s so much happier with him than she was with Paulo because she and Paulo didn’t have a relationship it was just meaningless animal sex Ross gets upset

·       Ross, Rachel is with you calm down

Episode 19: The One Where Eddie Won’t Go

·       Rachel read a self-help book (or something like that) and when she tells Ross that he’s stealing her wind which he seems annoyed by.

·       “How do expect me to grow if you don’t let me blow?” Ross thinks she is talking about giving him a blowjob and he tells her that he doesn’t have a problem with that.

Episode 20: The One Where Old Yeller Dies

·       Ross has Ben for the weekend and Carol and Susan have gone away. Ross is trying to get Ben to say “Dada” but he hasn’t, Ross says he is going to tell Carol and Susan that he did say it because Ross is that petty.

·       So Rachel gets freaked out when Ross mentions that he thinks about their future together (like he had planned out how many kids they are going to have and where they’re going to live) and she tells him that right now she likes not knowing what the future has in store and that he needs to respect that. He then tells her that she needs to respect that he isn’t going to stop planning their future. So basically, he just said I know you asked me to stop but I’m not going to.

Episode 21: The One with the Bullies

·       When the bullies are trying to take the couch in the coffee shop for the second time, Ross, in a very whiny and irritating voice, tells on them to Gunther. I just found this super annoying.

·       “How long does a cup of coffee take?” Ross and Chandler are trying to rush through their coffee break so they don’t have to see the bullies and they are rushing their poor waitress.

Episode 22: The One with the Two Parties

·       I may be reading too much into this but when Chandler was giving Rachel a comforting hug after talking about how she’s upset about her parents getting divorced, Ross comes out into the hallway and he gives Chandler a look.

Episode 23: The One with the Chicken Pox

·       Just dumps Rachel on the couch and says he’ll met her upstairs because she has closing duties to do at the coffee shop before she can leave with him

Episode 24: The One with Barry and Mindy’s Wedding

·       When Joey tells the group that he is up for a role where he has to kiss a guy, Ross says, “You’re an actor just suck it up and do it.”

·       At Barry and Mindy’s reception, why is Ross sitting with Rachel at the head table? He isn’t part of the wedding party.

·       Rachel asked Ross not to give a speech and he does it anyway and it just made things worse.

In season 2, we start to see Ross’s possessive side (it just gets worse as the series goes on). But this season is mostly just him being a complete asshat.

[alllwritenow]

blame it on the stardust

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Elena stared at herself in the mirror, the shadows under her eyes long since covered by makeup and the exhaustion in her bones hidden by the curve of her smile. She knew better than most what time healed and what it didn’t. Her grief was far from spent, but life didn’t stop, not for anyone.

Turning away from the mirror, she tucked the journal in her bag and headed down the stairs for the requisite stilted morning banter with Jenna and Jeremy. Jenna was frantic and Jeremy was sullen and she refused to let her heavy heart weigh them down. She acted as explicitly normal as possible—fake it till you make it—and filled a travel mug of coffee for herself and Jeremy without comment, earning a reluctant smile.

“Ride?” she asked him after Jenna had left, and didn’t argue when he shook his head, ignoring the itch in her hands that wanted to drag him close and hold on until he broke down and cried like he hadn’t since they left the hospital. Instead she flicked his ear, hid a grin at his scowl, and went to wait on the porch for Bonnie.

Her friend’s smile was still careful around the edges, hidden worry in her eyes that Elena forced herself not to grimace at. Bonnie loved her, of course she was worried. Elena loved her back and she wouldn’t begrudge that concern. She returned Bonnie’s hug and held herself to the present by sheer force of will as Bonnie told her all about her Grams and their ancestors and her apparent psychic powers.

Elena knew what Bonnie was, knew the magic and potential, far greater than her own, that lurked inside her friend. She was prepared for this conversation, ready to be supportive and excited by turns. She was not prepared for the crow that slammed into the windshield, the spike of fear and unease that lingered.

She was not prepared for the handsome, chiseled face of Stefan Salvatore staring at her from across the hallway.

Her throat closed and her heartbeat tripled in pace and she knew he heard it, knew his senses, so much more than advanced than hers, could detect the effects of shock and panic and secret thrill of delight on her system. Her lips were numb as she agreed with Bonnie’s assessment of his hotness and listened to her friend’s theories on who he was.

What was he doing here? Who did he think she was?

Katerina had never spilled her secrets to him, had told him only what would make him love her, true or not. He knew nothing of doppelgangers and curses, of endless flight from brutal monsters until you became one yourself. Or he hadn’t, but then, her memories of him were incomplete, second-hand, filtered through Katerina, and over a century old.

The fear and confusion and sense of strained reality lingered throughout the day, enforced by the weight of his focused attention and broken only by her worries about Jeremy, Bonnie’s predictions, and Caroline’s forced cheerfulness. She didn’t follow through with her weekly visit to her parents’ graves after school and instead dug out the journals and sketches hidden beneath the floorboards under her bed, pouring over fragments of dreams and flashes of memories not hers as she scrambled for a sense of control in a world gone spinning off course.

She hadn’t thought she’d be lucky enough to go unnoticed forever. To have a life free of the supernatural other than her own magic and Bonnie’s inevitable awakening to the powerful witch she was meant to be. Not when she’d been unlucky enough to be born in the same town Katerina had fled to, the land where Tatia had once lived. But she wasn’t ready, and she hadn’t expected this. One of the brothers Katerina had seduced and fallen for and left behind. And if one was here, where was the other? Did he still live as well?

They seemed decent enough, in the bits and pieces of memories she had to go on, one more kind and one more sharp but both very human and very in love with Katerina. What would that betrayal, the loss of their humanity, and a century and a half of immortality have done to their natures? She couldn’t trust that her memories or her face would keep her safe, much less her loved ones.

Elena wasn’t just a doppelganger. She was a Gilbert and she knew what her ancestors had done to protect themselves from vampires, knew the secrets that lived in her purely human family tree, had suspicions about her Uncle’s oddly nomadic life.

Elena had been ingesting vervain since she was old enough to be trusted alone in the backyard, enabling her to cultivate a hidden little garden. She regularly dosed her brother and her friends and had become the unofficial punch spiker for school dances specifically so she could slip some in with the booze. Cheerleading and daily runs in the woods kept her fit and stronger than she looked. She knew Mystic Falls, knew the land it had been long before the town itself, could see the bones of what it had been during the Civil War beneath the modern structures. Her magic was limited in power, the curse of her bloodline, but she had centuries of knowledge to draw on in how best to use it. And she knew vampires, knew them as well as any human ever could.

She didn’t want to hurt anyone. Never wanted to kill anyone, even if it wasn’t their first death. But she and Katerina shared more than just a face, and if it meant protecting her family or her friends, she would do what she had to do.

Including going to a party by the falls when it was the last thing on her mind. She used to be good at parties. Used to be the party, her and Caroline and Bonnie. School wasn’t like Mean Girls, even in a status-obsessed small town like theirs. Outside of Founder events, no one cared about your last name. But they were cheerleaders and for a certain limited definition that mostly existed in Caroline’s head in a teen movie montage sort of way, they could have been said to rule the school.

And then her parents died and the legacy in her blood smacked her in the face with an only kind of dead boy and now she was drinking shitty beer laced with vervain and faking an engaged conversation and a smile so wide her cheeks hurt directed at whoever was next to her whenever Stefan looked her way. He had clearly not gotten the memo about her strong desire to avoid any significant interaction with him and his gaze prickled against her skin.

Later she would curse herself for her inattention, for her selfishness. If she’d been less concerned with avoiding an awkward and potentially dangerous conversation with Katerina’s ex, if she’d been more concerned with the danger to everyone else, oblivious innocents with no idea of the danger lurking in their midst, maybe Vicky wouldn’t have been bitten.

When she heard the scream, followed by the unmistakable sound of Jeremy’s voice shouting, her heart stopped in her chest, terrified that she was going to lose him. But he was fine, holding up a rapidly-sobering Vicky. Matt’s sister was bleeding from a wound in her throat, eyes glassy and hands fluttering wildly as she mumbled, barely audible over the commotion of the party. “What the hell?! What the hell.”

“What happened?” Matt demanded before Elena could, eyes darting between his sister and Jeremy as he pulled Vicky away from the other boy.

“I don’t know, man, I just found her like this. I know Tyler was giving her grief earlier, but I don’t think he’d do this.”

Elena stepped closer, wrapping an arm around Jeremy’s as Matt turned to his sister just as she checked back into reality. “Mattie? This guy, he, he bit me, Mattie! I think he was on drugs or something? He bit me and then he got really angry and said something about me being dosed and then he ran off.”

Jeremy flinched against Elena and she grimly hoped that this horrible night would get him to stop stealing her pain medication. “You should get her to the hospital, Matt. Human mouths have a lot of disgusting germs in them,” she told him, completely serious and also hoping that Vicky’s accusation of drugs and her own words were enough to keep anyone from digging deeper.

Matt nodded, still scowling at Jeremy, and Tyler who had joined the circle of drunken students watching the drama unfold, and started pulling Vicky toward the parking lot. Elena caught Stefan watching her again and narrowed her eyes. “Go home, Jeremy, I’ll meet you there. Caroline’s mom will probably want to talk to you, see if you saw anything that might help them ID the guy, and you need to sober up first.”

He shrugged her off, but didn’t argue, and she took it as a win as she stalked toward Katerina’s ex, giving in to the inevitable.

“I know you didn’t do this,” she told him, before he could speak, and ignored the way his eyes widened, leaning closer to ensure only he could hear the deadly intent of her next words. “But if you brought someone with you who did, Damon or anyone else, you need to get them out of my town. Mystic Falls is not welcoming to any vampires who feed without consent.”

She didn’t wait for his answer, if he had one, just turned and left, hoping to find Bonnie or Caroline to catch a ride from.

The next morning the news showed a very generic sketch, the reporter asking people to be on the lookout for a non-local man on drugs who attacked people in the woods. Elena grimaced and didn’t protest when Jenna turned it off, muttering something about an asshole ex who had a lot of nerve to warn people about other men instead of himself.

School was a mess. Jeremy didn’t seem to be high, for once, but he was avoiding her and so was Caroline, for reasons Elena didn’t understand. Stefan kept trying to get her alone, clearly wanting to know what she knew. She finally escaped with the end of day bell and took a moment to center herself in the bathroom, reaching out with her faint thread of magic.

It led her to the Grill, Caroline crying at a table as Bonnie awkwardly tried to comfort her. “How come he didn’t go for me? Why do the guys I want never want me?”

“Oh Caroline, boys are dumb,” Elena said, dropping next to Caroline in the booth. “So very dumb.”

Caroline whirled on her. “It’s easy for you to say that! You always say the right thing, I always say the wrong thing. I work so hard and got to know him and flirted and he still picked you.”

“Stefan?” Elena asked, shocked and mad at herself for missing this. She’d missed too much lately and it needed to stop now. “Caroline, I’m not interested in him. He just won’t leave me alone and I don’t know why.” She did know why, knew how much he’d loved the last woman to bear her face, but she could hardly explain that. And the rest of her statement stood.

Caroline, brilliant friend that she was, pivoted on a dime from heartbroken envy to protective rage. “Who does he think he is? God’s gift to high school? If he doesn’t leave you alone, we will ruin him,” she said furiously, already pulling out her phone to start the various text chains that would accomplish just that.

Elena laughed, pulling her in for a hug before she could hit send and roping Bonnie in too. “I love you. Can we save ruining for another day and have a sleepover tonight? I’m thinking rum floats and movies about talking pets.”

Bonnie snorted and Caroline giggled a little wetly into Elena’s shoulder before nodding, priorities realigning again. “Definitely. I just got some new gold face masks. We’ll be the fanciest drunk girls in Mystic Falls.”

Across the room, unnoticed by them all, Damon Salvatore reevaluated the usefulness of the blonde as a target and moved on to other strategies. Instead of the first of many nights of horrific trauma that would have lingered in the back of her mind for the rest of her life, Caroline went home with her two best friends and invented a drinking game based on how many animal-related puns were used in a given scene.

Elena fell asleep in a tangled pile with both her best friends, happiness sinking into her bones, warding off the grief and the fear that had been swallowing her. This was how it should be. This was how it would be, and no vampire was going to ruin it.

-

Chapter Three

[madiiko12]

new york’s very own madison ‘madi’ ko was spotted on broadway street in chanel sneakers . your resemblance to kim chungha is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-first birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being obsessive , but also ambitious . i guess being a virgo explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be glittery eyes, dangling earrings, & chanel draped in pearls.  ( cisfemale & she/her) + ( kale, 20 , she/her , est. )

hi honeybuns !! im back and with child. there is a brief mention of an ed under the cut but i block it off with a tw start & end.    if you’d like to plot pls leave a like and i can dm you or hit you up on discord !! my discord is kale#3079  

BACKSTORY

haneul madison ko was born september 18, 1999 to two immigrant parents from S.K. her birth name is haneul, but she went by the name madison since it was easier to pronounce + madi began to almost detest her culture??

it was just that growing up she would sometimes get bullied for looking different at her school, for the way her packed lunches smelled/looked, the way people would stare if she spoke korean to her parents, how other kids would make fun of her english since she didn’t pick up on vocab/grammar as quickly since she didn’t practice at home with her parents. she just became SO insecure about it that she rejected her culture. she wouldn’t bring her mom’s food to school, if her mom ever forced her to take it she’d throw it away  and choose to starve instead. she wouldn’t speak korean back to her parents in public, barely even in private (which reeaaallly upset her parents). this also REALLY destroyed her korean language skills. she can understand still, but she can barely hold a basic conversation anymore.

as she grew up, and continued this sense of distancing herself from her culture, she ultimately distanced herself from her family. which left her feeling -  - alone often, even though it was all due to her own choices. in this loneliness, she found her escape in music. she would wear headphones constantly through the halls, in car rides, in her room when her parents yelled at her to turn the music down. she just loved music. she saved up the money her parents gave her whenever she worked at the nail salon (her parents owned it!!) to thrift an old keyboard. she became self-taught by trying to copy melodies of songs she’d listen to, thrifting piano lesson books, staying after school with the music teacher learning to play. sometimes she’d even skip lunch to sit in the chorus room with her choir director and play.

it’s not that she had a LACK of friends growing up, maybe just that she lacked a best friend. she had a lot of friends, but no one that she felt so connected to in the way she felt connected to music. perhaps, she was addicted to her loneliness.

she spent a lot of time playing the piano and dabbling in writing music that her grades started to fall (not that she was ever the BEST student) and her parents literally took away her piano. they said it was a waste of time because they wanted her to focus on doing well, so she could get into a good university, and then live a good life. music was just a distraction

but that didnt work

she would sneak out into the city to go to concerts and poetry readings. she’d sneak out and go to indie songwriters scenes while her parents thought she was at the library with one of her school friends

This underground scene had her full heart!! she was surrounded by likeminded people who just lived for music. she was hearing all of these incredible people who were all looking for their start. maybe not looking for anything at than just to sing their songs. tbh i think this was the point she was happiest. she was completely enveloped in music, just for the sake of music. There wasn’t any pressure, just music. Just the songs. she was wide eyed looking at this whole underground scene of artists. So maybe some plots from these underground charas?!

she’d perform some songs at karaoke nights and the indie sessions, and a producer took a keen interest in one of her songs. basically im kind of stealing halsey’s career start, but she posted a song Came in Close on SoundCloud and just blew up overnight. in the morning, she woke up to a record label asking her to fly to LA for a meeting.

and thus, Madison Ko began a career as Madi Ko where she’d release her debut album, Honey, a few months later. (DISCOGRAPHY HERE). her music is very 80s synth inspired!

new album that is most definitely CRJ’S EMOTION is coming soon...

PERSONALITY

right off the bat, madi is an absolute firecracker!! she’s loud, bursting with personality, has a lack of inhibitions that CHAOTICALLY mixes with her spontaneity

part of this is projecting her insecurities. she felt lonely as a child but doesn’t want to be seen as that to the world. it’s not so much a persona but an exaggeration of who she was. 

she likes to show off her glam bc it, once again, hides her insecurities. 

she just kind of is dramatic anymore

like everything about her

her persona as Madi Ko, upcoming popstar underdog, is like DUNKED in glitter, over the top stages and sets, draped in couture. basically her stages/outfits/dances/mvs are like Chungha’s but with Pale Waves and Carly Rae Jepsen VC. ex: 1, 2, 3, 4

also bc im obsessed with chungha’s famous diamond wink, IT’S GONNA BE MADI’S THING TOO. so basically madi has trended on twt a few times bc of her signature diamond wink bc she effing glues rhinestones and glitter under her eyes for performances !! she said fuck corneas !! ex: 1, 2, 3      ....god chungha is magical

so while madi is like a brand hypebeast n never shuts up, she can also get,,, easily annoyed. and heavily perceives ppl on first impressions despite that being the reason she felt misunderstood a lot growing up. 

definitely argumentative!!! will blow up arguments for no reason n then later questions why she made it such a big deal but cant own up to her mistakes

when she decides she doesnt like you, SHE DOESNT LIKE YOU. it’s done. bridge is burned, she’s not keen on second chances

fame has definitely given her a bit of an ego problem --- she’s a bit more aggressive, self-obsessed while intrinsically insecure, is too busy flaunting her material possessions and trendy life that she can...lose touch of reality. basically most of her high school friends cant stand her. HC that her high school bf broke up with her bc she was no longer was the madison ko he knew!!! so if anyone wants to be that ex lmk !!! she’s written songs about them!!!

definitely the type of girl who is so hype at a party, dancing in fallen confetti, standing on the fireplace mantle, but then midway realizes she’s lonely. sad at a party. 

ED TW STARTS!!!!!

....

she kind of always had body image issues growing up, but it was very off and on, but once she got signed and being by surrounded by cameras became normal she formed a full fledged ED. she’s passed out at concerts a few times bc of her ED, but they always brush it off as “not enough rest” or “she wasnt feeling well that day but pushed to perform anyway as to not disappoint the fans”

so feel free for ur muses to point it out !! she’ll get really defensive like “i eat i just work out a lot” and yeah it’s true she works out a lot but she...doesn’t really eat

it’s also one of the causes of her irritability ...

.....

END ED TW!!!!

idk why this is so long

always up for mischief! 

does love a good prank. asks weird hypotheticals 

is not scared of an ouija board

will get wasted off a few shots and drunk madi is UNSTOPPABLE 

one time drunk madi cried bc her siamese cat (MOCHI !!!) wouldn’t ever get to go to school and would never know chemistry..... the dramatics.....

she is sensitive and despises it. she does everything she can to not come across as sensitive

however, she’s so obsessive. so deep in feeling. when she feels something she FEELS it. when she is mad it boils through her. when she is in love it is all she knows. when she is sad it covers her like sweaters and blankets on rainy days. she doesn’t know how to half-feel. everything she feels stops her in her tracks.

HOWEVER she’s the most obsessive with her own insecurities — so in relationships she’s kind of known for tapping out early. she just gets scared and the fleetingness of her career and that she’s at her very core, lonely and disappointed in herself, makes her want to run away thinking that letting down her walls and being vulnerable could only be disappointing for her SO. so maybe she ghosted ur chara or gave some lame excuse

Kind of obsessed with how she’s perceived

terrified that at any moment her career could be thrown away, her deemed irrelevant, and she goes back to being Madison Ko, daughter of nail techs in Koreatown. and then her parents would have been right all along, music was a waste of time.

she’s just my little fallen angel who flew to the sun (fame) and it constantly eats away at her girlhood, at her heart.

anyways this is all i got rn <3 come love me sorry i kind of didn’t shut up this is long

WANTED CONNECTIONS

an ex from before she was famous who broke up with her because of how she changed!! PLEASE i have ideas for this. plus,,, you get a lot of songs about ur chara!!! could be from high school, maybe someone in the music scene she frequented before she was signed, anything!!

anothr ex/fwb/undefined relationship i’d love is one when she was first famous who just introduced her to everything. something like a whirlwind that was exciting and magical. she’s written songs about this person.

exes in general. 

hookups/fwb

romantic plots. pls i have songs who need meaning. friends to lovers, one sided (either way), slowburn, ANYTHING. love cruel summer plots, anything lover by tswift

PR relationships -- would LOVE one where she falls in love with the other despite how clearly defined they made their relationship

love triangles in general just get me going

best friend!!!! the one’s who know how the other feels just by looking at each other. they have countless sleepovers. tell each other everything. cry together on bathroom floors. pregame together. 

ex friends. for whatever reason -- maybe madi did smth shitty, maybe they did. maybe there was backstabbing, maybe madi sacrificed friendship for a career, maybe she made moves on their romantic partner/interest despite being fully aware. idk. gimme

People she knew from the underground/indie scene before they were famous!! they’d have bonded over their love for music, little indie dreams kind of vibe. just imagine a group of dreamers !! Would love if they made some kind of pact!!!

party friends

collabs !!

pranks. mischief. gimme

enemies. gotta cook up some drama, yknow

GIRL GANG. god i just want this so bad like make a girls dream come true