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Currently sobbing my eyes out from the paper crafts and handmade birthday cards my current and previous students made for me. I am a wreck.
#i am not okay#im in my feels#here i thought my birthdays were never really special#because someone important forgets or theres little to no celebration#but seeing all these cards and my students telling me they love me and sing to me#im feeling just pure joy#because i always worried about not being a great teacher#but their cards proved me wrong#i was always afraid i wasnt good enough and worried for their futures#THEYRE ONLY 2ND GRADERS BUT I WORRY REGARDLESS#idk if i could ever be a mom#because simply with my students i care so much for them
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so i was watching lmk s4(still not done, will probably finish it tomorrow but i'm 15 minutes in the special of the season so yay!) and, after knowing more about wukong,i have a much deeper apreetiation for him because i honeslty relate to him.
ok so backstory time but when i was younger, i used to be extremely afraid of death(still am but it almost used ot be a phobia, which honeslty still kinda is(i need therapy)). i wanted to be immortal or at least not be forgotten, so when i died people would still know my name. i wanted to be the greatest so my face wouldt just be another face in a family picture
i was such a normal 7 year old but ANYWAY-
so yeah, i relate to wukong's fear of mortality because of that, and its interesting to see a character with that fear and being able to fight the thing that is suppsed to bring said fear but still not being able to win it. i like how it seems like wukong is not simply power hungry like some people say, but he's mortally afraid(ha) of leavign this world for good. because as much as he is immortal, he always has that uncertainty of 'what if this is not enough?'. so he keeps seeking for more, so he can finally live peacefully with no worries about death, his nor his friends, but in doing so, he sacrified so much. he wasnt able to truly enjoy life like he did before discovering death until he had lost so much and was it worth it in the end? because i belive it will never feel like its enough to him. no matter how many celestial peachers or training or anything he does to gain more immortality, it will never be enough
wukong's fear controls almost every action he takes before the journey and even after that, really shows how much it is part of his life and i want to see him fight that fear and win in the future season, if not others. i guess i just want to see him do it so i can look at my life and see a way to fight it off too:D like 'if he can do it so can i' sort of mentality
#wukong is literally the song 'never enough' from the greatest showman in this aspect#'all the shines of a thousand spotlights'#'all the stars we steal from the night sky with never be enough#never be enough'#'towers of gold are still too little'#'these hands could hold the wolrd but i'll never be enough for me'#maybe i am projecting too much on him but who cares#sun wukong lmk#lmk swk#character analysis#i guess??#i dont do this often#lmk#stuff#lmk s4
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nana rewatch notes- episode 10
the funniest part about this is that nobu listens to hachi and is like ‘oh i see’ SEE WHAT?? WHAT SENSE DID YOU PULL FROM THAT?
-watching hachi and nobu interact for the first time when we already quite a bit about both of them is Very Fun.
-“i guess nana hasn’t told you anything.�� okay so it’s fair to assume that nobu doesn’t mention ren (nor get into detail about him) out of respect for nana, but this is definitely combined with the fact that it is also a sensitive issue for nobu personally. nobu was hurt by ren’s betrayal as well.
- how many times will thinking abt women keep her up at night
-no bc why was hachi so excited about sharing a bed with nana
-girl it’s getting embarrassing
-what i really like about this episode is that we see some of hachi’s behaviors around crushes in the past now directed towards nana. she gets really invested in nana’s band to the point that she puts the majority of her time helping/thinking about nana’s future. granted, it feels a lot more sincere with nana. hachi doesn’t help nana because she thinks that’s what she should do but because it’s what she wants to do. she’s excited about nana’s dreams and wants to see her thrive!
-SLIGHTLY off topic but recurring conflicts for hachi throughout the story will always be: what she WANTS to do, what she SHOULD do, and what she THINKS she’s supposed to do
-hachi also says that she’s confident that nana will succeed bc she, herself, has had good luck since moving to tokyo. again her naivety is showing and she definitely lives in her own little world
-shoji is so fucking annoying “you’re the one being inconsiderate” and he has the AUDACITY to to tell her that HE’S the one always needing to adjust to HER. if you dont sit down…
-like he really does not acknowledge how hard hachi is trying….ever.
-obv neither are perfect in this relationship but shoji is SO unwilling to offer hachi any type of patience and is always annoyed with her over bullshit. like dude... why are you in this relationship if it’s such a burden to you?
-and it’s a complete slap in the face to hachi who is continuously trying to shapeshift for shoji and gets shut down every single time. no wonder she ditched ur ass the other night u fucking stink
-god he’s so fuckigng ugly im sorry i cant take it i have to rail on this man. maybe before he criticizes everything hachi does he should worry about his clapped character design
-also the moment that hachi finds something else to put her time+attention into (nana’s band), something that shoji has been telling her to do since they first started dating, SUDDENLY he feels like hachi isn’t giving him enough attention :’((( CRY ABOUT IT THEN
-in all fairness though, hachi DOES take shoji for granted. She wants him to make more time for her while also being hard to compromise with ((((in this specific regard)))) ie hachi makes it hard to compromise ONCE and shoji complains endlessly.
-godddd they just need to break up this shit is not working
-“do better than ren” FOAMING AT THE MOUTH
- i don’t think people give this show enough credit when it comes to the directing…it’s incredible
-i remember being SHOCKED the first time watching this when shoji cheated but now i’m wondering how that was even possible. like girl the build up was clear as day. this was inevitable.
-explain yourself
-hachi’s narration fucks me up
-“my feeling of looking up to you, it was quite a lot like falling in love.”
PROCEEDING: “i can honestly tell you now” which suggests that she has spent a lot of time thinking about her feelings for nana+building the courage to be open about them with nana
-“ i wasnt ready to grow up” this is interesting considering the context hachi is narrating this in. i’m honestly not sure what to draw from it, but it's definitely something to think about
-“yet within the reality of being expected to fend for myself, you always showed me the sweetest dreams” it's the way ai yazawa is a lyrical genius. no like this line….THIS LINE
-hachi is afraid of growing up- i think this particularly translates into a fear of independence (which i think hachi associates with loneliness). however, nana provides her confidence and reassurance in this process.
-hachi is afraid of NOT accepting help while nana is afraid of accepting help- thats what im taking away
-“It was like a love in it’s happiest moments” hachi...you keep saying that it’s “like a love” but i think with the amount of times you’ve said this...it's just love LMAO
previous episode
next episode
#nana#ai yazawa#episode 10#fuck shoji all my homies hate shoji#i actually cried a little during hachi’s narration at the end LMAO#she’s just so soothing#i’m rereading this a few hours later and wow my potty mouth was off the charts
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ace shiro headcannons
i simply do not see enough ace shiro rep on this site and so i decided to put together my personal opinions
• shiro had crushes growing up in middle school and highschool but they were few and far between
• he figured out he was into boys pretty early on
• shiro always loved the romance in a relationship and dreamed of what his future husband would look like and what their favorite color would be
• shiro always thought it was cheap writing when people in movies would have sex on the first date
• he never participated in locker room conversations during P.E. because all the other boys seemed to want to talk about was what they did when they were "studying" with a hot girl the night before
• adults and teachers would always admire his maturity, and tell him so
• his favorite movie is Pride & Prejudice, but he always tells people his favorite is Captain America (which is still in his top 5)
• when asked about who he liked, he'd lie and toss the name one of the popular girls in school
• when he finally landed a date with a boy in freshman year of highschool they went to the movies. the boy initiated holding hands during the movie and shiro was so happy, and after the boy had kissed shiro, making him blush even more. but then the boy tried making a move on shiro and grabbing his ass, scaring shiro to make an excuse to go home
• he gave it another shot to go on a second date a week later but the same thing happened again. this time shiro tried to go along but as soon as they were lying on his date's bed and the boy started to take his shirt off, shiro left
• he shrugged it off that the guy wasnt his type anyways, ignoring the pang of hurt and guilt that still swirled inside his chest
• at somepoint later in highschool he realized "sexy" was, in fact, not synonomous with "really cool" and was extremely disappointed
• it was around this time he also realized those "sexy" ads with women in bikinis and men in "sexy" underwear commercials actually turned people on??? he was shook
• he was afraid something was wrong with him, having such a low libido
• he looked into it more and realized he's asexual
• the realization brought a bit of relief to his worries, that nothing was "wrong" with him, and there were others like him
• but still, the idea that no one would want to be with him if he wouldnt have sex with them wormed its way in his mind
• he gave up on romantics and started to focus on school more
• at the garrison it was earier to answer people whenever he was asked "who he's seeing" or "who he's interested in" because he'd say he's just focusing on his career or that he didnt have time for a relationship
• when he and his friends would go out, they'd try to set him up with a one-night-stand cause he needed to "loosen up" and "stop working so hard"
• he's turned down so many strangers at so many bars that he'd lost count
• he was nervous when he developed a crush on Adam and was mortified to learn Adam had a crush on him
• he avoided Adam for a good week and a half before Adam tricked Shiro and managed to lock them both in a janitors closet until Shiro confessed why he was avoiding him
• shiro spilled everything, about being gay, and ace, and highschool, and how he didnt want the rejection when Adam would find out he doesnt even like the idea of having sex with someone
• Adam is quiet at first until he aproaches Shiro and just hugs him and tells him he doesnt mind, and that he likes shiro for being himself, not (only) because he wants to f*ck him
• shrio may have cried a little
• they talked it out some more and start dating in secret (cause of garrison rules)
• Adam asks Shiro out on their first official date to a restaurant in town, then they go to a roller rink
• they become boyfriends
• when in public the most they do is hold hands, maybe a peck on the other's cheek, but when they're together alone they hold hands and kiss and cuddle
• Adam discovers Shiro is a heart filled romantic and a really big softie
• sometimes in makeout sessions, Adam gets a little too rough for Shiro and he has to tell Adam to stop
• Adam always apologizes, but Shiro does too because he feels guilty, like he's holding Adam back
• Adam reassures him with kisses on his cheek and on his hands
• Shiro doesnt believe him, and that's the root of their first big fight
• eventually they make up and they learn to communicate better- Shiro helps Adam learn where the line is drawn, even though he's not too sure himself
• They expiriment together the very rare times Shiro is willing to go further but it's never by much
• Shiro is the first to say "I love you" and Adam says it back without a second thought
#ace shiro#voltron headcanons#ace shiro headcanons#shiro headcanons#takashi shirogane#adashi#adam/shiro#voltron#vld headcanons#asexual#ace#i will support ace shiro till the day i die
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Baby!Into1 x Daycare au | Intro
(ft. Bo Yuan as the caretaker of the 10 chaotic bunch, ranging from the ages of 3-5)
a/n: hello hello yumi here~ so this is the first into1 au of mine that will ever see the light of day. at first I was going to write things for it, but honestly I'm going to make it into a series with incorrect quotes to attach with it. this post will be the bios of all the babies and our lovely caretaker Bo Yuan, so enough of me babbling and I hope you guys could enjoy~
First off, we have the Caretaker™ Bo Yuan:
my mans is like in his 20's rn
wanted to open up a little day care as like side job/internship because he wanted to teach kids in the future so he was like “might as well start working with kids now!”
and so
he did it
only regretted his life decisions when his devil number 1 and devil number 2 does something bad
other times he really enjoy looking after them! and he doesn’t even feel like it’s a job!
has been thinking about taking a field trip with all 10 of them but he’s afraid: 1) he might lose one 2) he might lose himself 3) can they behave themselves
his favorite thing to do is having all of them gather around while reading a fairytale to them for nap time
or sometimes he would sing a song
he has a lot of favorite things in day care, literally having all 10 of them just there makes him happy
except when lin mo and nine is having a scream off:
lin mo: ahh
nine: aHH
lin mo: AHH
nine: AHHHHH-
bo yuan, running into the room: what’s wrong?
ak: screaming
bo yuan: why?
patrick, with his hands over his ears: TO SEE WHOS LOUDER
all the other boys: *nods*
isnt always watching the kids 24/7, since day 1 when the kids came in he told them the rules of the daycare and kinda just let them familiarize the place
(bo yuan: its a daycare, and they are kids, they are suppose to have fun!
keyu, in the back, mumbles: i wanna climb the tree in the yard
bo yuan, turns around: keyu no)
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And now we have the kids!!
Liu Yu:
4 years old
very quiet, just likes to sit and read and draw
the most obedient one, and likes to follow around bo yuan
well,, most of the time
he’s played a few pranks on bo yuan like:
bo yuan: liu yu nap time is over you have to wake up
liu yu: *not moving*
bo yuan, gently nudged liu yu: liu yu wake up!
liu yu: *continues to fake sleep and not move*
bo yuan: *leans closer to liu yu’s face to make sure hes not sick or has a fever*
liu yu, scares bo yuan: WAH
bo yuan: liu yu dont do that! you scared me!
liu yu: *giggles*
likes to stretch and bend himself in odd positions
(bo yuan: everyday I’m in fear that he will snap himself in half)
kinda an introvert but once he hangs around everyone for a bit he will open up to them and fit himself in very well
likes to organize and keep things how he found them/have special places where he organizes his toys
jiayuan: *moves liu yu’s fan*
liu yu: hey! put that back!!
has really good etiquettes and never really fights or argues or bicker with the other kids
but likes to joke around and mess around with once in a while
patrick: wahhh i put my cupcakes here who took one!
liu yu, hiding it behind his back: idk maybe keyu took it?
the least of bo yuan’s worries since he’s always in bo yuan’s sight, also he’s aware of his surroundings so he actually helps bo yuan make sure everything’s okay
(bo yuan: i made a checklist for myself on the whiteboard and liu yu likes to check things off for me, he said “coloring in the boxes is fun” so now he's the reason why i get all my work done)
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Santa:
4 years old
riki’s best friend
super happy and bright, like a ray of sunshine
is easily scared
lin mo: hi
santa: WAHHHHH BO YUAN GEGE
really likes bo yuan, would stick on to him a lot and ask him about everything
santa: bo yuan gege whats this?
santa: bo yuan gege what’s that?
santa: bo yuan gege what are you making right now?
hangs out with liu yu and mika a lot (other than riki)
riki is older than him but would hold riki’s hand and take him around like a didi
also really likes racing with mika for E V E R Y T H I N G
(bo yuan: yeah couple days ago they tried to race who can fall asleep faster but because they kept on peeking at each other so they basically didn’t sleep till i said i’ll watch for them)
really likes to dance, every time he hears music he would start grooving around
loves learning new things, which is probably the reason why he always asks bo yuan so many questions
also least one of bo yuan’s worries, just gotta make sure jiayuan and lin mo don’t pull pranks on him
(bo yuan: well they dont really pull prank pranks, its just once lin mo grabbed a frog and started running around and showing it to everyone, but lin mo lost grip and the frog jumped on santa)
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Rikimaru:
5 years old
looks like he’s 3, acts like he’s 3, but is actually 5
best friends with santa! always sticks around him and likes to tug on a corner of his shirt out of habit
bo yuan: alright everyone it’s nap time! i’ve made the beds for everyone
riki, sees his bed is not next to santa: bo yuan gege can you switch my bed next to santa? i wanna be next to santa
he didn’t start speaking till he was 4 so he often stutters when he talk and just looks confused a lot (it's because he’s thinking and formulating his words)
santa and the other kids would always have to interpret for him
bo yuan: riki I brought some snacks today do you want cookies or marshmallows?
riki: ???
santa, motioning with his hands: bo yuan gege said do you want the white fluffies or brown crunchies
riki: oh! crunchies!
squishy cheeks,, bo yuan’s favorite thing is to squish his cheek everytime he sees him
riki: gud mooning bo yuan gege!
bo yuan, squishes riki’s cheeks: ahh I haven’t seen you in so long good morning!!
nine: wait wasnt riki here yesterday??
also likes to stretch,, often seen around with liu yu and they just help each other
(bo yuan: i am afraid he will snap himself in half too)
not too much of bo yuan’s worries, besides the fact that he might get kidnapped because he’s so oblivious
(bo yuan: we were playing outside in the yard once and riki just wandered off because he thought the neighbor’s flowers were pretty)
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Mika:
4 years old
also kinda an introvert, doesn’t interact with too many people
usually it’s santa that approaches him first or keyu^^
found a ukulele in the toy bin one time and wouldn’t let go of it (he claims it’s his now)
his favorite activity at daycare is when they all sing together, that’s when he smiles the most and has the most fun
the one that likes to nap the most
also likes to help bo yuan cook once in a while (mostly just having mika washing vegetables and passing things to bo yuan)
very laid back and not noisy (till he starts playing the ukulele)
often gets scared by lin mo’s sudden screams (actually, lin mo scares a lot of people, sorry to mika’s ears)
also not one of bo yuan’s worries, literally there’s nothing to worry about with mika, all the kids just likes to sit around mika and pet his head so he keeps everyone safe
(bo yuan: one time I couldn’t find any of the kids in the play room, apparently they were all in the napping corner petting mika’s head since he just got a hair cut)
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Nine:
4 years old
loud, very loud.
pouts a lot
everyone calls nine cute, even the boys who are younger than him
likes to boss around patrick because he’s older
nine: patrick gimme that juice box!
patrick: you’re closer you get it!
nine: i’m older than you!
literally scared of everything
if he hasn’t seen it before and it’s living, he’s scared
jiayuan: *holds a bowl of tadpoles*
nine, several feet away: WAHHH WHAT IS THAT
the happiest when he gets snacks + real food food
also really likes to sing!! his favorite thing is watching disney movies because there’s so much music in it and he just loves to sing along
he’s not part of bo yuan’s worries because he’s literally scared of everything, but nine is really naive and would do things that the other kids tell him to do so, it’s a 50/50 on nine
(bo yuan: there was an edible decorative flower on keyu’s birthday cake couple days ago, and somehow jiayuan convinced nine all flowers were edible. so today during outside time nine almost ate the neighbor’s flowers)
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Lin Mo:
3 years old
LOUD. VERY LOUD.
probably the craziest most hyper one out of them all
he and jiayuan always have something bad planned
literally doesn’t have a moment where he’s calm
constantly in bickering mode with ak
lin mo: NO IM RIGHT
ak: NO. IM RIGHT
patrick: what are they arguing about?
keyu: *shrugs*
but is also best friends with ak so he’s also calm around him
(bo yuan: yeah these two have on and off days, you can never predict it)
and also constantly naruto runs around the daycare
bo yuan: lin mo stop running!
lin mo: *nyoom*
he also once nyoomed into keyu
keyu: ow what was that for?
lin mo: you were in my way!
and now he nyooms into keyu for fun
a very good mood maker
likes to smile/laugh a lot
would calm down if you show him a movie or a cartoon
number 2 on bo yuan’s worry list because he’s the "bad influence" for everyone, also he reduces hearing for everyone
(bo yuan: i’ve secretly made a tally book on how many times i have to say “lin mo” in a concerning tone this week and he came in 2nd. he was only here for like 3 days!)
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Zhang Jiayuan:
3 years old
YOURE THREE STOP SMIRKING LIKE THAT
couple months younger than lin mo but this is the real culprit under a lot of his and lin mo‘s plans
it’s just because jiayuan has a lot of crazy ideas and he says them out loud and lin mo is just like “yes”
also sometimes they are just accidents, but he's always doing weird questionable things with lin mo
got really sad one time because he brought tadpoles and put them in the fish tank and killed them since the fish went nom
but then started to constantly catch for tadpoles to feed the fishes
bo yuan: jiayuan stop, you’re killing the frog population!
jiayuan: but the fishies are hungry *pouts*
likes to fight/mess around with keyu for no reason
keyu: *sitting there, drawing*
jiayuan, with a squishy hammer: *bops keyu’s head*
but also will protect keyu if anyone tries to mess with him
lin mo: *nyooms into keyu for the 3rd time of the day* jiayuan, hugs keyu: stop hurting him!
the calmest thing he likes to do is taking care of plants, probably because he saw bo yuan spraying the plants one time and he like to squeeze the spray bottle
number 1 on bo yuan’s worry list, this child is literally not safe alone or with anyone. they were trying to celebrate keyu’s birthday and jiayuan tried to touch the candles, while it was lit, by the flame.
(bo yuan: i just got the tablets and haven’t set up children mode, so i’ll take the blame for this one. but also why are kids so good with technologies nowadays??)
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Patrick:
3 years old
squishy :D
smiley :DD
favorite thing is nap time and snack time
somehow knows every location where bo yuan hides their snacks
bo yuan: *getting the snacks that he hid in the piano*
patrick: *sitting next to the window sill with the snack* hi~
of course bo yuan can never get mad at patrick for eating the snacks because patrick doesn’t do anything bad
also he's a growing child
best friends with keyu,, and drags him on to “adventures”
*the daycare got a new toy play house*
patrick: bo yuan gege, keyu and I are moving out so we can go on an adventure!
keyu: I didnt agree to this??
wants bo yuan to add dress up into the daycare games, since he wants to dress up the other boys in the daycare
patrick: i call it, patrick fashion!
not part of bo yuan’s worries till he’s on his hunt for the hidden snacks, just because bo yuan is afraid he might hurt himself
(bo yuan: i started hiding the snacks higher up and one time i saw him trying to climb on keyu’s shoulders to grab it)
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Zhou Keyu:
3 years old
smart, but really clueless at the same time
tall, but has the personality of smol
likes to draw
also likes to read with patrick,, but usually patrick falls asleep so it’s him, the book, and a sleeping patrick
wears glasses all the time since his vision isn’t so good but somehow he makes glasses look good on him???
has a chain with his glasses because there too many glasses incident with keyu
glasses #1 keyu: I don’t like them! *takes it off and loses it*
glasses #2 keyu: *takes them off for nap time, but riki accidentally rolled on to them and snapped it*
glasses # we don’t know how many: *disconnected from the keyu universe*
also like a month younger than lin mo but literally has to make sure lin mo doesnt “blow” the place up
lin mo: what if I stuck this fork into the pluggie thing?
keyu, picking lin mo up: nope you’re not
when keyu is clueless he either stands there or just sit there and space out, not really noticeable but bo yuan ran into him doing that a couple times
(bo yuan: I thought he was an ai that was malfunctioning, it scared me at first but now I know he just doesn’t remember what he’s doing)
oh did I mention this,, even though he’s one of the youngest, he’s the tallest, with that advantage he likes to try to pick people up
jiayuan: keyu pick me up!
keyu: no
patrick: keyu likes me more he will pick me up!
keyu: no
patrick: *pouts*
keyu: *tries to pick both jiayuan and patrick up at the same time*
bo yuan, running over: ZHOU KEYU PUT THEM DOWN YOULL BREAK YOURSELF
not too high up on bo yuan’s worry list, give him a piece of paper or book or anything he would just calmly sit there and do something with it
(bo yuan: every time when we do art or reading its so hard to pry keyu away, he has to finish what he was doing and he’s so concentrated he doesn’t hear anybody)
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Liu Zhang (AK):
4 years old
loud, VERY LOUD.
he doesn’t know he’s loud
bo yuan: ak you don’t have to yell
ak: OKAY
monopolized over all the instrument music type of toys in the daycare
bo yuan: ak you know you have to share your toys right?
ak: I gave the ukulele to mika
honestly having ak is like having a walking megaphone so bo yuan ended up actually making ak his little helper for announcements
bo yuan: ak go tell everyone is lunch time
ak: alright!
ak: *da da da running to fetch his little stool*
ak, stands on a little stool in the middle of the play room: ITS LUNCH TIMEEEEEE-
nine, swats ak’s leg: YOU SCARED ME
the only time ak is quiet is when he’s around lin mo, he kinda just likes to watch lin mo and follow him around so that’s that
unless lin mo starts messing with him, then you just lose your hearing for the day
also at first bo yuan was trying to see what ak is interested in, and he taught ak hot cross buns on the bells and thought that would calm ak down,, but oops ak ended up making more noises
patrick: I WANNA SLEEP AK
(bo yuan: I swear something happened to this kid or something. he’s not hard of hearing but he’s just naturally so loud)
i too would lose my hearing if im around ak so much
not to high on bo yuan’s worries but he just make sure ak isn’t being too loud and bothering the other kids, usually he’s pretty good about that but you never know when a little patrick will start napping or anyone really so gotta contain his energy
(bo yuan: ak is usually the first one that’s awake from nap time but its usually like 5-10min before everyone else so i told him he can go and play but he just has to be quiet)
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alrighty !! now you've met everyone in the daycare, what kind of fun and chaotic adventures are they going to have??
(all future daycare au things will be incorrect quotes + short little one shots, this intro mostly served as a bio so you understand their personalities a bit, and i hope you enjoyed it!)
#i wrote a lot of these at like 3 to 5 in the morning#i know theres a lot of loop holes in this au but please ignore it#i just want the fatherly love and chaotic children energy#might have the other chuang boys featured in future stuff in this series#<- im not dropping any spoilers#baby!into1 daycare au#into1#into1 liuyu#into1 santa#into1 rikimaru#into1 mika#into1 nine#into1 boyuan#into1 linmo#into1 zhang jiayuan#into1 patrick#into1 zhou keyu#into1 ak
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Rules Of One’s Soul Ch 1 Game Starts
(WARNING!! PLEASE READ: Mentioning of past abuse in this story, don't know if this counts as a trigger but just in case I'm putting this here.. Also Rouxls has a slight fear of touch, and bad anxiety and some stress in this story. Don't know if those count as triggers but might as well mention it in case. But nothing beyond that. You have been warned. Mak belongs to @coffincrawler)
What would you do if your job was to deal with a power hungry king who could snap at any moment? Quit? Haha! Only if thou wanted to end up in the dungeon or worse. But also that you were completly put in charge of something you had barely any knowlege of, forced to babysit a hyper mini king, and had to do whatever the king wanted at a moments notice any hour of any day. Oh! And this was all a 24/7 job. Congratulations. ......Being the duke was highly overrated but, nobility wasnt without sacrifice. Which was what he was ready to put up with when he agreed to first being the king's royal advisor. The king was always much of a brute, big, mean, and not afraid to show his displeasure for anything he didn't find to his liking. But at least the Queen always managed to calm him down-....Ah. Her highness- She was always such a caring and kind spirited lady. How she could possibly tolerate let alone love that big brute was a mystery in of itself, but then again he wasn't in any place to judge. Now was he? He was just the royal adviser(more like royal errand boy) to the king, but still he admired many things about her. Her courage, her endless kindness,....her beauty-...*ahem* Anyways, things were going well in thine kingdom for a while. Sure the constant nagging and intimidation of the king would get tiring but he was used to constant pressure from higher ranking people. The other three kings and queens were much more pleasent to be around, sometimes the neighboring Durrmee Royal family would visit. The Spades even eventually announced the coming of their soon to be child after a while...Huh. It seemed like everyone was starting to settle down it seems. Unfortuneatly nothing like this lasted forever- Everything changed the day the knight came. The Queen disappeared. The king went mad! The former kings locked away, the neighboring kingdom attacked, the foutain appearing, and the king slowly descending into more....destruction. The poor prince. He didn't deserve any of this. Noone deserved any of this actually. It seemed madness spread to others as well. Not too long after the jester was caught trying to slay an innocent bystander and was locked within the safest cell constructed. Not too long after that the royal magician quit along with some of the other staff...or thrown in the already crowded cells. But it didn't make any difference to him. He just had to keep on smiling and agreeing for his own sake. Day after day. Smile n agree. Smile n Agree.....Hopefully nothing bad happened. But enough rambling about his past. You dear readers are here to read the tale of his future are you not? Well then. It all began with one scared rudinn on one rainy night-
The rain had been pretty aweful this season. It only lasted a week or two, but it was always pretty dull to watch. Luckily he had been given of paperwork by his majesty to last hours to keep him occupied! Isn't his majesty so consideret? ..*ahem* anyways- He was swamped with paperwork, which was why he jumped when a knock came from the large wooden door. He obviously flinched and looked at the door. After a few more moments of silence, a timid voice finally broke it:
"...Uh..Sir D-Duke," a male voice sounded muffled by the door, "C-C-Can I come in? W-We have a uh-....s-small problem." The blue duke let out a small sigh of relief it wasn't who he intiatlly thought it was and gave a small smile. "Of courseth. Cometh in soilder."There was another pause, before the door creaked open and said rudinn soilder stuck their head in. The Duke smiled assuringly before waving his hand in a come in motion, to which the rudinn seemed comfortable enough to slither in on his command. "Noweth. What caneth I do for thou this-"...He paused before looking at the clock on the wall. Good golly is was already almost midnight. "...Night?" The rudinn hesitated at first, wringing his hands together and shaking slightly. Even though Rouxls was a much better boss than the king was, he still had to report every progress TO the king and that's why most were nervous when it came to giving the daily reports. "W-Well Sir bossman. Sir. U-Um...I came t-to deliver the day's r-report?" The duke stared at him. "Now? Tis nearly thine next day. Why hast thou come to deliver it so latest?" The rudinn shrank more. "Well...T-That's the problem,Sir Puzzle man. Um....We're h-having a problem w-with one of the prisoners? " Rouxls's confusion must've reflected on his face because the rudinn winced. "It's the um....J-Jester, S-Sir." "Oh..Him." The mad jester was always troublesome. Ever since his capture and imprisonment, he's always found new ways to scare the guards. Babbling about how the King was merely using them all as pawns like in a game, or howling about chaos or something. He never really recalled the jester much, purple jolly fellow, always getting into trouble. Ounce put green hair dye in his shampoo bottle as a prank-.....He'd never forget that, his hair was an ugly green for a month. The guards were pretty freaked out by him, but he didn't see the big deal as long as we was behind bars. "So what thou's problem?" "Um.....H-He's acting....really strange tonight. L-Like..r-really freaky. And uh....No one w-wants to give him his food." "Well, then thy answer tis simple really. Let him go hungry. Maybe that willst teaches him a lesson about his behavior." The rudinn looked even more distressed if possible. ''Um...We kinda can't? The King's d-doing his w-w-weekly insp-p-pection tomorrow, Sir. A-And he gets r-really angry when I-it's not done." Rouxls froze at those words. Weekly inspection...? oh no- HOW COULD HE HAVE FORGOTTEN?! Well- He has been swamped in paper work for the last few hours, so he guessed he could've forgotten,, but the king wouldn't take his excuse. His body began to shake lightly from the memories of the king's anger. Teeth bared, claws out, pain on his face- He immediately shook his head and looked back to the Rudinn with a stern face. "W-Well getest someone down there and feed him something!" "W-We can't." "Why not?" "N-No one wants to go down there, b-but we don't want to see the k-king mad either so..Um...W-We were hoping YOU would do it?" They stared at each other, before Rouxls groaned and moved his eyes down to the mountain of paperwork that STILL needed to be finished before tomorrow. Too many things were always thrown at him weren't they? But...he was always used to bearing the brunt of the hard work, might as well go do it and get it over with. What could've been so hard about feeding one prisoner? He sighed and reached a hand up to run through his white hair. "Fineth. Just..telleth me where I can findest this 'freaky'prisoner thou speakest of?" *********************************************************************************************** DING! The duke made an obvious flinch when he felt the elevator stopped and made the comical dinging noise. He certainly wasn't expecting the sudden darkness greeting him when the doors opened up, luckily there were torches along the side of the darkened staircase that lead down into...well, he guessed the cell, but this seemed a little extreme for one prisoner. Maybe a suitable punishment for the king- He shook his head and meekly leaned his head out a bit to peer past the darkness. He couldn't see anything except barely the stairs and what looked like bars maybe? But he didn't see or hear any evidence of anyone down there? Perhaps this Jevil person was sleeping? Made no difference to him. That just means it'll be easier for him. Taking a deep breath, he slowly stepped out of the elevator and onto the stairs. ..Nothing! Sighing, he straightened up his back and made his way down more confidently. There was nothing to worry about. Rudinns always worry too much anyways, getting him to do all the work when he already had so much to do. He muttered to himself irritatedly, nothing made him more irritated than being interrupted in the middle of work. This would take all night at this rate. The poor duke failed to see the small shadow stirring in the darkness below, or the two small yellow dots that peeked out at him curiously. The yellow pupils blinked up at him from the dark, and a fanged smile slowly grew across his face. OH! A new visitor! Different from the usually rudinns or occasional hathy who usually just dropped his food off and left as quickly as they could, quite rude not to say hello. But THIS one- The worm's biolumeniscent hair shone in the dark and sparkled as he walked down the stairs towards him, a scowl on his face. He muttered some things under his breath he couldn't quite make out, but that didn't ,matter to him. It'd been so long since he'd seen a new face, though he looked very familiar....Hey. Wasn't this person the prince's babysitter or something? Oh! Wait a second. It was the funny fellow called Kaard wasn't it. Yes. Rouxls kaard. Biggest stick in the mud other than the spade. He chuckled lightly remembering the many pranks he used to pull. Always had this serious aura around him. No fun that one. This was going to be fun! He held what looked like the usual mush of food he was given to eat, no doubt to deliver it like the rest, but the way he looked so done with life already- It was too hilarious! He finally let out a stream of high pitched giggles at the sight, just as the duke was bending over to set the tray down by the bars. Making the worm freeze and drop the tray the last few inches to the ground with a clatter. He stared directly into the cage where to his horror, two yellow pupils were staring only a few feet away. The two silently stared at each other until one spoke. "Well, well. A new visitor, visitor to my little freedom!" The pupils blinked. The voice behind it sounded a little too pleased to be seeing him. "What brings you all the way down, down?" The worm didn't say anything. So when the pupils suddenly sprinted at him, he yelped and slammed his eyes shut for cover. ….When nothing happened, he slowly reopened them, but he wished he hadn't. Because staring at him a feet or two from his face was the purple imp from his faint memories, but he never remembered him being so terrifying! When he still didn't answer, the imp hummed. "What's the matter, matter? I got your tongue, tongue silly man? BWAHAHA!" "..duke.." He paused. "Hmm. What was that?" "I-I-..." The duke licked his lips nervously. A few sweat beads of slime ran down his obviously frightened looking face. "It's D-Duke to t-t-thou, P-Peasant." The thing cooed. "Oh. I see you've obtained a title.Hehehe." Somehow he shifted his body to lay on his side in mid air, with his head in his hand. "A title is just that, that. A silly little thing to call yourself, yourself.~...But now that begs a question. What brings the duke, duke to my humble little freedom? Freedom." The duke was still obviously still frozen with fear with his eyes wide as plates, but confusion still seeped it's way into him. Freedom? He calls being in a cell in the middle of the dark feet under ground for years free? He really was mad wasn't he? He really should get out of there soon, but the fact this crazy person was still staring at him like prey was quite unsettling- Wait. He asked something right? Why he was down there? "I-I...T-Thou has scared m-mine workers into not giving thee substance...*ahem* W-With t-t-thine king checking p-p-progress tomorrow, I-I can't afford m-mistakes." The floating man hummed and it finally accured to Rouxls that he was balancing on his tail. What oddity is he? "What would one little me, me do to anger such a man?" …..Rouxls blinked. Certainly not the question he was expecting, but- "Art thou insane? Doth thee knowest what thine king w-w-will doth to mineself if thy rules are not followed accordingly?!" The jester merely shrugged. "I haven't the faintest idea,idea. But life is too chaotic without the stress, stress of trying to follow all of HIS rules, rules. Now isn't it?" "On thine contrary. I wouldst rather keepest mine head on mine shoulders than to risk displeasing his majesty. Following the rules is needed on a daily basis." At that he let off more high pitched cackling. "After all these years, years he still has the pieces of his never ending cruelity, cruelity. *tch* And they say Im mad and foolish." "Thoust tried to killeth thine king. Of courseth he woulst locks thee up like the traitor thou are!" The fear was slowly starting to be replaced with annoyance at the feind. "I have wasted enough of mine time here. "He slowly leaned back up to a standing position. Thou haseth thine food, perhaps you'd be wiser than to scareth off thine food supply. Or else starve to death." His ears perked up. "Is that a threat I hear oh duke?~" "Taketh it how thou wants to! Im nay afraid of a mad fool trapped behind bars of coldst steele." "Is that so?" His eyes lit up with an unknown glee. ''Well, then how about a little numbers, numbers game?The rules are simple to play, play?~" Rouxls gave him an even more annoyed look. He had important work to do and this fool wanted to play games. "Nay! I haveth no time for your idotic foolishness- EEEEE!" A death grip had wrapped his wrist and attatched to it was the smiling lunatic with a gigantic grin, which only grew hearing the Duke's squeal and the way his confidence has easily been returned to fear. "Oh, come now, Duke.~ It's simple really. All you have to do is run while I count how long your-"
Rouxls let out a squeak as a pulsation ripped through their bodies and simaltaniously pulled his hand away from the equally startled imp, who's tail pulled him back a few feet and his eyes widened at the sudden feeling. Rouxls's soul thumped hard against his chest to the point he thought it was going to burst from his chest, then as suddenly as it came it left and his soul slowed down and his lungs heaved out. Rouxls stood there. Blinking. D-Did he...Did he just have a soul attack? B-B-But then, where was the pain? HE should've been flopping on the ground like a fish. Maybe an anxiety attack? Nay. Those never felt like electricity was surging through him. It must've been a giant zap of static cling. The two just stood there as the effects wore off and slowly looked at each other. Jevil was the first to move as he slowly looked down at his paw, his button eye spinning. He stared at his paw for a moment before closing it and giving Rouxls a wide eyes look. Rouxls could see the blue shape of his soul slightly from under his clothes as it faded away....Ok. Weird side affects for static cling. "You?" The voice brought Rouxls back to Jevil as he blinked in confusion. "I-I..I what?" Jevil didn't seem to notice he said anything and instead look back down at his hands in pure confusion. "I didn't think I'd ever see the day, day...and with someone so...opposite, opposite!" He turned back to the kaard with a newfound glee on his face. That spooked and confused him to no end. In one swift moment, the thing lunged at the bars and reached a clawed hand out. ROuxls obviously yelped and tried to back away but the clawed hand caught onto the front of his shirt. With a hard yank, the duke was slammed against the bars and once again a spike of absolute terror washed over him. Yellow eyes looked at him. What he didn't know was that Jevil was drinking in every detail of his face. He never noticed but the duke seemed to have dawned a few scars to his otherwise flawless features, must've been a fight or two. He surely was a fascinating one wasn't he? Oooh! He could feel his soul lighting up with this new found "How marvelous, marvelous! A new player and game, game!" Genuine excitment rang through a genuine happy smile, though the terrified Rouxls didn't seem to notice. His soul beat against his check a mile a minute! He could burst from what he purseived as fear any second, not that jevil noticed. "Ehehehehe! So this is where it all begins, begins! " He HAD to get out of there! He pulled his head back and got his arms up ready to shove this pest off himself- He froze. Something wet slid against the side of his cheek and he gave off a high pitched whine. His body shook lightly- And then he thrashed uncontrollably. His brain having one goal. GET AWAY FROM HIM! Jevil was taken aback and loosened his grip on the blue man. The duke fell backwards and instantly began to shuffle back- "Wha- Hey! Wait, wait!" He didn't listen. Stumbling and desperately trying to breath, he ran back up the stairs towards the elevator and into it. The up button was spammed practically into nothing and the similar ding noise was heard as the doors slowly closed off the darkness. As the machine shifted as it slowly went up, the duke collapsed against the side wall and slid down to the floor breathing heavily. What the actually f*ck was that?!
…………………...……...……......……...……...…...…......………............…...…...…...…...…...…..................…...……......……...…...……………......………...…...…... He shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't be doing ANY of this. What would one think if they knew that the King's appointed Duke of Puzzles, caretaker of the prince, and master of law and order would be feeling absolutely weak in the presence of an insolent clown?! NO! He wasn't weak! Rouxls Kaard was anything but weak. He was just....uh..a little unprepared for the absolute madness of the knave when they first encountered. Yes. That's it! Not even the great Duke of Puzzles could get all first impressions right.
He wasn't sure of the strange feeling in his gut whenever his mind revolved around back to THAT night. The strength of those ghastly hands latching onto him and slamming him into the cold steel, near those sickly glowing eyes. The very thought of those things made him shudder and get a sick feeling in his stomach. In a way, he was more terrorfying than thy king. At least with him you could tell when the Spade was displeased in anyway, but there's no feeling behind a mad man's smile. So. The answer to recovery was to just avoid the place and do his best to push those thoughts deep down and try to distract himself.
And for a while. It actually worked.
He managed to busy himself by making an actual working piece of his work the king seemed pleased with. He called it, A Control Crown. Though it still could use some work as it only worked on more...um. Less smart beings of the realm. And the King's annoying worm(but much better company keeper) of a son had gotten himself into plenty of shenanigans the Duke had to fix or pull him out of. It had been maybe a few months since the incident and he rarely thought of any of that encounter. So all was well with the Duke of Puzzle. Thou the duke did experience a strange tugging or nagging feeling like he was missing something. Oh well. None of it mattered.
At least. Not until that night.
A storm had decided to make itself present that night much to the annoyance and fear of the guards. For it was tonight that the prisoner better who some had called Jevil -odd name if you asked him- once again decided now would be the right time to act up and strike fear into the poor guards in charge of the food supply to him. Which also meant none wanted to go down there. Which ultimately meant the duty would fall on the next upper person in charge.
.....Which meant it was up to him. To settle things. And go down there. With that THING!
He honestly almost threw up the mac and cheese Lancer and himself ate for lunch when he found out. But he was the Duke of Puzzles, appointed by the King himself. Law keeping was one of his best assets, which was why he was put in charge of these guards. So, with a heavy stomach and light head, he assured any listening he'd once again take care of the 'little worm' and put a stop to this all. Oh,if only he could have seen the familiar frozen grin plastered on his face at the moment. It only got worse when he stepped into the elevator and pushed the button to the unknown level.
Once the doors closed, the Duke let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and immediately reached to clutch at the tufts of shiny snow white hair on his head.
"What the f*cketh have I done?!" He breathed between gasping breaths. He wasn't even sure how stupid he was at this point! Why didn't he just tell them to let the stupid prisoner go hungry just for tonight and not bother!? This was absolute madness. Like kicking a live bee nest to anger the pathetic insects-
Bing!
"HA!" The Duke let out a short high pitched squeak of fright from the doors reopening to reveal the beginnings of a staircase and darkness below. He hoped no one heard him. A high pitched series of laughter ruined that hope.
"Oh, how fun,fun! A Duke of no suit has come once again, again to seek what he thinks he rules over!" He flinched when he faintly saw two glowing pinpricks from down below. "How interesting, interesting.~ Have you come to finally play, play?~"
He stood there frozen at the sight of yellow eyes waiting for his answer. The feeling of that insolent's slimey tongue grazing his cheek and the feeling of complete helplessness came rushing back to him in a heart beat. Gathering what pride and dignity he had left, the Duke casually stood straight up and gave an annoyed look. He tried to invision himself talking to a rookie guard or Lancer whenever he had to explain something. He just had to remember. HE was the one in charge. Not some bumbling knave that couldn't even harm him from his prison all the way down below.
"I-It has cometh to mine attention that thou art scaring the very guards that feed you!" He shouted down and waited for a response. But none came. The eyes didn't even blink. So he nervously licked his lips and continued. "If thou wishes to keep getting proper treatment from them in the future then thou needs to follow the rules set in place."
Felling a little more confident. He decided to yell louder. He was in charge. Not him. He had no control over the situation. He made the rules.
"Thou art getting on mine nerves and I do not wish to heareth about thine useless chatters or antics! I haveth no time to deal with thee any longer! I have more important matters to deal with than the rambles of an absolute mad man!! So keepest thine voice down and cease your useless shenanigans at once!!"
His voice echoed throughout the silent prison as the yellow eyes continued their silent watching. Rouxls stared down at the lowlife a little longer before smiling. That was until the pinpricks disappeared as the crazy fool threw his head back in laughter at the stupid show he just witnessed. Rouxls felt his ears press to his sides and his stomach drop hard. This wasn't the reaction he had hoped. All too soon the eyes were back along with a mocking voice.
"What a shame! What a shame! Thinking he could order the only one free, free in the whole kingdom!~ How amusing!~ How fun!! FUN!!~" Rouxls didn't like the change in tone of the deranged jester's voice. It almost sounded intrigued. And that's what scared him most. "I never had so much fun,fun with another pawn before! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Tell me Rouxls Kaard. If you are in charge, charge then why are you too afraid to play this little game, game of yours?~ Hmm."
The Duke didn't say anything at first. The heavy scent of fear consuming him and making his head spin.
"I.....I shan't need to e-explain myself to the likes of you! I prefer not to waste mine valuable time on dealing with your insolent empty words. Thou can pretend with thine mind games all thee wishes but Rouxls Kaard is nay fool!" He pointed a hand at him. " For you see, I have thought of the possibility of thou using these games to trickest me into coming in range of your dastardly grip! But I shan't be fooled again so easily! For by me staying far from thine's hold then thou shall not have a open point to strike! Who's winning who's game now if thou never even got a chance to make his first move?!"
"Yet, yet I'm not the one who's playing dirty.~ What fun is a game if one wins just because, because he cheats out of fear?~"
"Hark thee little knave!!" He bellowed in absolute anger like he just threw dirt on his new suit. "What rules are laid down is followed and I shan't listen to you any longer!" He turned back towards the entrance to the elevator with a huff.
The voice cooed in amusement. "BWAHAHA! A shame that the rules card is running like a defeated child,child at a game of checkers.~ My next visitor will be pleased, pleased to hear about the cowardly leader of a Duke that masters, masters over them!~"
He froze. Did he just-...? No. He couldn't have just....But he did! Taking a breath, the duke world around to face the yellow eyes with anger.
"Thou insolent, foolish WORM!!" He bellowed at the top of his lungs. Making the jester laugh again as the duke began to march towards the stairs in complete anger that his authority would be tested by a common criminal. As he stomped his way down, he remembered to keep his distance with time when he reached the bottom. Now face to face with the clown behind the bars. Even with his limited vision, he could make out the jester's pleased smile on his face. "You DARE to threaten me with useless rumors of mine reputation?!"
"Hehehe. Not a threat and not, not a rumor.~ Just facts straight and simple.~ But now that you're her, here-" The bells on him errily chimed as he tilted his head. "I find you're more fun, fun to play with.~ Tell me, tell me. Did you figure out the game, game we started last visit?"
Rouxls huffed. "You mean that useless asult on mine person? BAH! I refused to even think about such things to do with the likes of thou, Jevil!"
A sudden spark seemed to light up in the jester as his attention became a bit more...focused.
"Ooh!~ So you learnt my name, name?~ BWAHAHA! Tell me, oh Duke of rules and puzzles. Have you any idea of what YOU have started with this game, game of ours you triggered? Are not the feelings and tugs at your very, very core not clues to this puzzle you can't seem to solve?~"
The duke gave the madman a confused look at the nonsense he was spouting out of his mouth. Was this a battle of wits or riddles? If so he won either way. He didn't intend on ever coming back or giving this creature any more of his precious time after this. What was the point if he never made sense anyhow?
"Was does thou even mean? This is nay puzzle! Tis a riddle of a mad fool that shan't ever be solved!"
"Hmm. Perhaps. Perhaps. But tell me this Duke, and tell me true. True." A hand stuck itself out of the bars to point at him, making him flinch. "Did you not have a feeling of need,need or incompletion when you first left this place, place!? Is it now gone?! Replaced with the need to prove yourself! To, to the very person you can never win or lose against in this corrupted. CORRUPTED EMPIRE YOU CALL HOME, HOME!!"
It felt like the walls and darkness themselves were vibrating with the booming voice of the smaller floating man. Rouxls couldn't even bring himself to speak and Jevil's smile suddenly became knowing instead of amused.
"THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN REALLY PLAY A GAME!! GAME!! THAT MATCHES YOUR VERY OWN!! ROUXLS KAARD!! OUR FIRST MEETING, MEETING WAS NEVER OUR LAST!! THE VERY MOMENT WE MADE CONTACT, CONTACT IT SEALED US AND FATE INTERTWINED WITHIN MY FREEDOM, FREEDOM AND YOUR IMPRISONMENT!! THE BEING OF PERFECT ORDER AGAINST THE TRUE EMBODYMENT OF RAW CHAOS!! CHAOS!!"
The last word felt like a wave of sound hit him and sent the duke stumbling forward a few steps almost falling to his face before he looked up at the absolute monster clutching the bars in absolute raw horror.
"You....You're absolutely mad!!"
Jevil chuckled again. "Maybe that's true. Maybe I am insane. Insane. But I am truly the only free, free person....But you know. It's gotten rather boring,boring and dare I saw lonely in my little freedom. Duke of puzzles. I haven't really, really felt like anyone but my old friend Seam could begin to make me this amused, amused." Maybe his insanity was rubbing off onto Rouxls but he could've sworn he saw Jevil's smile slipping a little. "I will always regret happened between us, us. But, it seems fate has directed you towards me, hmm?"
"What?....I-I...I still haven't the faintest idea thou is sputtering out!"
"Heh. You still don't get, get it do you, Rouxls?" He gave a hum and might have sounded like a disapproved parent if he wasn't still smiling though me. "Interesting, interesting. Tell me. Do you know the concept of soulmates?~"
Silence.
The frozen duke stared at the floating creature inside the cage as his brain tried to process this. Yes. He knew what a soulmate was. What an absolutely stupid question. Everyone knows a soulmate is the one person in life you feel compelled towards. Like finally putting the final missing piece of a puzzle together-.....Wait.
Wait a minute.
The realization must've reflected in his eyes because Jevil's smile became more soft if that was even possible for a mad man.
".....No...NO! Nononononononono! NO!!" He hands flew up to clutch his head. The floor felt like it was consuming him with how much his body fell forward to it's knees. "NO! NO! THOU TIS LYING!! MORE MIND GAMES!!" He shouted desperately at the jester who just smiled warmly back, like he was a dear old friend stopping by to grab a chat. His eyes searched for any indicators of mind games or a sick joke. "I...I can't anything to you but a toy for your amusement! Let alone thou's s-soul....IT"S NOT TRUE! I SHAN'T HEAR OF IT!! LIES!! ALL OF IT LIES-AH!!"
The same strength pressed him against the same bars. And the once proud duke whimpered like a dog when facing the same eyes from his nightmares.
"Naïve, naïve little duke." His voice was like he was trying to comfort a child and Rouxls let out a whimper when a clawed hand cupped his chin. His face was closer now. Why wasn't his body reacting!? He could feel the hot breath of the jester before he spoke next. "One cannot deny the rules, rules set down by fate now. Can you?~ We balance and do our dance, dance like chest pieces on a bourd. One never belonging to a suit, suit or getting the upper hand. But...we never lose, lose either.~"
The contact was warm, heated and made the duke feel a sudden rush of strange belonging filled with another stronger feeling of throwing up. Both feelings intensified when the crazy jester slightly loosened his grip on the frozen man's shoulder when something that felt strangely similar to a rope wrapped around his torso. Jevil didn't notice the white shiny liquid beginning to sting the duke's eyes or the sudden swing until something came impacting into his face. The force sending the smaller man a few feet away to the ground with a loud "OH!". Instantly when the contact was broken the duke threw himself back onto his rear and shuffled back towards the stairs. Gagging and clutching at his chest. Trying his dammed hardest not to give in to the urge to puke. A slight pain throbbed in his hand from where it struck the jester.
He coughed and sputtered while taking gulps of air through his mouth to help control himself. A small silence went by before the duke shakily looked at the direction of the man who had once again violated his personal being. At first he thought he was imagining it through the tears or the rushed feelings spiked through him, but no. Jevil was standing there instead of floating. One hand clutching the bars while the other cupped the cheek he guess he must've hit. A look of pure shock on the jester's face. Of the ounce proud man now reduced to a shaking crying mess.
Neither said anything for a moment before jevil spoke.
"You're....crying. Crying?" He blinked and removed the hand from his cheek to inspect it. Like the answers were written on his palm. "You...hit me, me?"
"WELL WHAT DID THOU EXPECT YOU GOD DAMMED FOOL!?!?" Both flinched at the sudden raged tone that seemed to rush out of him. Jevil more than him. But the angry feelings overtook any other rational thoughts. "DID THOU SERIOUSLY THINK UP THIS WHOLE CRAZY DELUSIONAL F-FANTASY OF ROMANCE TO GO ALONG WITH YOUR PATHETIC TRAGETY STORY LIKEST SOME SICK NOVEL WRITTEN BY A COMMONER!?!?"
Jevil stared long and hard before an annoyed expression came over him. "Fantasy, fantasy?.....DELUSIONAL TO MY OWN FEELINGS!?" He growled and gripped the bars of his caged prison. "YOU DARE SIT THERE, THERE AND CALL ME, ME A FOOL FOR RECONGNIZING THE PLAIN TRUTH WHEN NO ONE ELSE DOES, DOES?!"
This time it was the duke's turn to give a dry laugh. "HA! YOU CALL WHAT JUST HAPPENED A TRUEST EVENT!? AND YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THOU'S GESTURE LIKE A NORMAL DARKNER'S?!"
Jevil's face immediately dropped. Rouxls sat there as both heavily breathed from the events. Before the duke slowly stood up onto wobbly legs.
"E-Even...if I did think thou's affections were true, what reason would I have t-to accept or believe when the person who gives it is a prisoner? Seam was in his righteth mind to exit this madness when he did-"
A low growl directed him back to the now angry jester. Anger was a new expression for him but right now he didn't care. Rouxls felt sick, covered in sweaty slime and tears, and equally angry.
''Don't bring Seam, Seam into this."
"Or what!? Thou'll attack me with more unwanted affection! This isn't exactly a splendid walk in the dungeon foreth me!"
The imp let out another growl before pointing another clawed hand at him. "You cannot, cannot tell me you can't feel-"
"I DON'T!!" The loud voice of the duke echoed throughout the entirety of the prison cell. Silencing anymore rambling from either end. "I tire of these useless antics a-and....AND I HAVETH ENOUGTH ON MINE PLATE AS TIS IS!!" He pointed a hand at him. "I SHAN'T EVER RETURN TO DEAL WITH THOU'S ANTICS AND I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AS MORE THAN THE ONE WHO TOILS WITH MINE EMOTIONS!! GOOD MORROW, WORM!!"
He turned and began stomping his way back up the stairs towards the open doors of the elevator. Ignoring the sudden expression on the imp's face.
"W-What?....ROUXLS!! You can't leave a game unfinished once you start to play, play!! It hasn't even finished!...R-Rouxls? Y-You can't forfit this game, game.....Not when I-...COME BACK, BACK!!"
He paid the creature no mind while he continued climbing up the stairs-...Which was a mistake.
An animalistic shriek pierced the air louder than anything he ever heard from the king. A shudder ran up his spine and only one thought shot through his head.
RUN!
He sprinted towards the exit up ahead. Almost tripping over his own two feet a couple times in his panicked haste to get out. Something whizzed by his head and embeaded itself into the wall above his form as more began whizzing past him. The animalistic screaming still present. One of the thing grazed his shoulder causing him to yelp in pain as a cut instantly formed. He ran into the elevator and practically spammed the up button as more of those sharp objects continued to fly around him. The doors slowly closed. Muffling the shrieking and little metallic thuds. Slowly, the elevator began to steadily rise leaving the noise behind him.
Unable to withstand the wild roller coaster of emotions moving through him, Rouxls collapsed against the side of the elevator as it continued to rise. His body shook uncontrollably as he was finally able to take a look at the things that were flung at him.....Hearts. These things were all hearts. He choked.
The once proud Duke of Puzzles reduced himself to a sobbing crying mess as the elevator continued to rise.
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Baby its Cold Outside (PART 13)
Bakugo X Reader
It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!
Words: 2122
PART 1 HERE, PART 2 HERE, PART 3 HERE PART 4 HERE PART 5 HERE , PART 6 HERE PART 7 HERE PART 8 HERE PART 9 HERE PART 10 HERE PART 11 HERE PART 12 HERE PART 13 HERE PART 14 HERE
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“OI dumbass! What are you doing? Let me help you with that!”
It was Christmas eve and you were just trying to organize the presents around the tree. Your baby bump was more like a baby basketball at this point. Only a few more weeks to go before the world had a new Bakugo. You groaned as you straightened up bracing your hands on your lower back. “Thanks babe... there’s only a few more. Your mom stopped by earlier today and dropped off a bunch of stuff. Like it took both of us like five trips to the car to get all of it unloaded. I’m assuming it’s mostly baby stuff.”
“Wouldn't surprise me if it was all baby stuff.” He helped you over to the couch. “The old hag won't shut up about the little guy.”
He organized the last of the presents before joining you on the couch. He pulled both of your feet into his lap and started to rub them. “She loves you and she's excited about having her first grandchild. I cant tell you how many times she's given me a speech about how you are too good for me and you’re the kid she’s always wanted and I cant screw this up.”
“Aw babe she loves you too you know. All she could do was talk about how cute you were as a baby and how exceptional you were. Said our kid was going to be amazing with my heart and the Bakugo genes. Naturally she did throw in a couple jabs about your attitude but she does love you..”
He leaned over and put his head in your lap, “She is right though... I dont deserve you. I’m thankful every day that you saw something in me and decided to give me a chance.”
“That is not true! Bakugo Katsuki you take that back right now! I am not too good for you! If anything you’re the one who's constantly taking care of me.”
He snuggled further into your lap, “I love you. So much. And I cant wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”
You giggled, “Katsuki if I didn't know better I would say that sounded like a proposal.”
“So what if it was?” He pushed himself up and into a kneeling position on the floor in front of you. With sure hands he pulled a small red box out of his jacket pocket. “Y/n... I’ve been carrying this stupid ring around for probably six months now. It’s not that I didn't want to ask you sooner... its just you know how stubborn I can be. And for some reason I had made up my mind that I was going to propose on Christmas. I know it’s your favorite holiday and I dont know, its probably stupid but I just wanted it to be special.” He opened the box to show off the most gorgeous ring you had ever seen.
“Y/n would you do me the honor of being my wi- Oi are you crying?”
You had tears streaming down your face, “You try having the love of your life propose to you with the most beautiful ring ever in existence while being eight and half months pregnant full of fucking hormones on fucking Christmas eve of all fucking nights! Of course I’m fucking crying!”
He just smiled, took the ring out of the box, and held it to your finger, “So is that a yes?”
You wiped your tears with the hand he wasnt holding, “Yes! Of fucking course!”
He slid the ring onto your finger before giving you a soft kiss. He cupped your damp cheeks in his hands, “Mrs. Bakugo... Has a nice ring to it.”
You chuckled, “Damn I thought I was going to be Mrs. Zero... Is it too late to change my answer?”
He squeezed your thigh, “I’m afraid us Bakugos don’t come with a return policy. So it looks like you’re stuck with me.”
“OH! Yuuto will be so happy! At least once a month he asks if you’ve proposed yet. He’s always saying his quirk keeps telling him its the only logical outcome and it was making him anxious that we weren't engaged yet. Every time I would tell him no he’d just say ‘Any day now would be nice.’”
Bakugo laughed resuming his place on the couch with arm draped around you, “Not much of a filter on that kid huh? Well I’m surprised he kept it a secret this long. I actually told him about this a month ago. He kept bugging me about it that one day I came to eat lunch with you and decided to hang out with the class the rest of the day. So eventually I told him so he’d calm down.”
“Sounds like Yuuto. Did I tell you he took down Aizawa in his final exam? Took him all of ten minutes. I tried to tell him how awesome he was and all he had to say was, ‘I have him memorized at this point, all logical outcomes led to me passing.’ The kid spent weeks prepping by watching every video of every teacher fighting. He knew every move before it even happened. He's something else.”
“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, he reminds me of Deku, except way smarter and honestly more tolerable. I love how blunt he is, even if he doesn't mean to be. He's honest and to the point and I can respect that.”
It was obvious how much Bakugo cared for Yuuto. He worked with him every now and then when he had free time. It made your heart soar with how patient he was with him. In a way they both lacked social skills but they both strived to be better versions of themselves. Sometimes you thought Bakugo took more away from their training sessions than Yuuto did. You wouldn't be surprised if when the time comes Ground Zero got a new side kick.
You flinched as the baby started kicking. It wasnt the first time but this time seemed to be bit harder than usual. You grabbed Katsuki's hand and placed it on your belly, “He’s kicking!”
With his hands on your belly and his forehead on you shoulder... this was what true happiness felt like. “Babe? How would you feel about a Christmas wedding?”
He turned to look at you, “I’d be fine with that. Would give us about a year to get everything figured out. The baby could be the ring barer, that’s be pretty fucking cute..”
“No... I mean like tomorrow. Fuck it. I dont need a fancy wedding. I just need you. We can renew our vows later if we want to, but I’m done waiting. I just want to be married.”
He gave you a wicked smile, “Look babe I know you're desperate to lock me down but I honestly think you’ll be a little upset later down the road if we did the bare minimum. So how about we compromise? You call our parents, I’ll call our friends. Tomorrow night we’ll have a small courthouse wedding with just us, followed by a dope ass after party with all our friends and family. How does that sound?”
You threw you arms around his neck, “You are so perfect! Oh my gosh!” You pulled back, “Shit what am I going to wear? Im huge! I won't fit into any of my nice dresses! No where will be open either! It’s Christmas eve!”
He sighed, “Okay just this once... I’ll pull the Ground Zero card. We can ask Sasha, the women who does all my hero costume alterations if she could have something put together by tomorrow morning. Let me make a call.”
Half an hour later you were sending over a few pictures of dresses you liked to Sasha. She said not to worry and she’d have a dress ready in no time. Shit this was happening. You were really getting married tomorrow.
*****************
You spun a few times in front of the mirror. You dont know how she did it but Sasha was really amazing. She came over a little after lunch and did last minute alterations and she somehow managed to make you look beautiful and not at all like an oversized marshmallow.
Mina came over and helped you with your hair and makeup. She, Kirishima and you and Bakugos parents were the only ones that would be at the actual ceremony. Momo, Denki, Dylan and cementoss were over at the UA gym decorating it for the after party. You had decided that that it was big enough and secure enough that you all could have a good time without worrying about paparazzi trying to sneak in. Katsuki had gone a bit overboard with the after party invites. Claiming he wanted everyone to see you were off limits. As if they hadn't known that already.
You felt like a total cliche with your shot gun wedding but honestly you didn't care. You were starting a family... starting a life with Katsuki. Its all you had ever wanted. So as you walked down that isle all you could do was beam your most endearing smile, and all Katsuki could do was return the gesture.
It was time for your vows. You knew Katsuki was nervous because he's not always the best with his words, or expressing his feeling for that matter but he surprised everyone in the room. “Y/n. A little over a year ago... One year, one month, and four days ago to be exact. You threw a snowball at my head. And shit are you lucky I was already so far gone over you already. That may have been the day we officially started dating but I fell in love with you years before that. I fell in love with you the day you pantsed me outside of UA with all of our future classmates watching and I’ve loved you every day since. Any girl who could be that pretty AND put up with my bullshit. Definitely a keeper. I may have had weird ways of showing it. And I’ll be the first to admit I was a dick from time to time. But you bring out the best in me and I cant imagine a life for me without you in it.”
You stuck your lip out, “Aww Katsuki that’s so sweet. Oh shit you're going to make me cry again.” He slid the wedding ring on your finger giving your hand a quick encouraging squeeze. You have no idea where or how he got wedding rings on such short notice but you weren't going to ask.
“Alright so I guess it’s my turn then. So we've obviously been friends for years now. But we've also been rivals for years as well. We always competed at UA in just about everything. We competed for better grades. We fought constantly, literally with our firsts just as much as we screamed at each other. Just the other day we tried to see who could fit more marshmallows in their mouth. But the only thing I've ever been better at than you was English. Which brings me to the only time you ever asked me for help... Your Oscar Wilde paper. It was in your dorm room that day that I truly fell in love with you because that was the first day I saw the kind, soft side of you that I’m so familiar with now. And like Oscar Wilde once said, ‘You dont love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.’ and baby you sing that song every day in the little things you do for me and I don't think it’ll ever get old.”
A single tear fell down his cheek which he was very quick to catch before anyone noticed. “You may now kiss the bride.”
And just like that you shared your first kiss as husband and wife.
Later you two were sitting at a table eating cupcakes at your after party. All of your friends dancing around you having a good time. You leaned over so he could hear you over the music, “I never knew you liked me all that time. I’m sorry it took me so long to catch up.”
He gave you a wicked smile, “I’m used to waiting on you by now. I’m just sorry you actually thought you were better at English than me... I never needed help on that Oscar Wilde paper... I just wanted an excuse to spend time with you.”
#bakugo x reader#bakugo x y/n#bakugo#bakugo katsuki#katsuki bakugō#bakugo imagine#bhna#bhna bakugou#bhna imagine#bhna x reader#mha bakugou#mha#mha imagines#mha x reader#my hero academia
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13 With ThVi (If You Ship It Or Not) Where Thomas Gets Kidnapped By Super Villains Because He Knows Virgils Secret Identity, And Virgil, AKA (Any Superhero Name), Comes To Rescue Him?
13. "Grab him and the child"
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It was a colder day than usual, Thomas had to bring an extra jacket just to keep from shivering. Cori didnt seem to mind, of course, why was an eight year old going to care about how many degrees it was outside. Thomas on the other hand, was colder than usual. His anxiety seemed to be at an all time high after his recent discovery. His boyfriend, his wonderful amazing caring boyfriend, Virgil, was leading a double life. He'd always felt an odd connection with the superhero Nightfire, but he hadnt known why until a while back.
It was late, about five in the morning. Thomas heard footsteps downstairs and he'd run to catch whoever, or whatever it was. Virgil hadn't gotten home yet, and he wasnt about to get himself hurt when he wasn't. But the surprise that awaited him was a lot more shocking than a burglary. Virgil stood in the living room, nearly full costume except for his mask. He made eye contact with Thomas, who might as well have fainted then and there.
"Thomas, I need you to listen to me, no one is to know about this, got it?" Virgil said, his voice wavering slightly. Thomas nodded, Virgil kissed him on the cheek and he went back to bed.
Thomas had been good at keeping the secret in his opinion. He'd done a great job of making sure Cori never found out, eight year olds were decidedly not equipped to deal with secret keeping. Thomas found it kind of fun on some days, Virgil would find him wondering around occasionally during work and they'd share a quick kiss before he had to run off to fight the next creature of unimaginable horror.
Unfortunately for Thomas, he wasnt a fighter, but the alleyway nearby certainly contained several. His vision went fuzzy after the first punch, Cori screamed.
"Grab him, and the child, dont let them get away," Said a gravelly voice. Thomas tried to grab Cori and run but he was kneed in the stomach by someone else, he collapsed to the ground in pain, tears stinging the sides of his eyes.
He woke up later strapped to a chair with a cloth over his eyes.
"Now, we were under the impression you knew the identity of Nightfire, is this correct?" said the gravelly voice again.
"No, I don't, why would I care about the identity of a superhero if I'm not interested in hurting him?" Thomas lied, he was a good actor, usually, but he could hear the quaver in his voice.
"Wrong answer," Thomas screamed, an electric jolt coursed through his body, his phone began buzzing uncontrollably, he'd forgotten to take it out of his pocket.
"Now, tell us who Nightfire really is, and we'll let you and the girl go, refuse, and I'm not sure she'll be able to last through the next vault," the voice sounded a lot lower now, which didnt make Thomas feel any better.
"I dont think he has to tell you anything, personally," Virgil's voice came out over the phone. The shockwave must have caused it to call him, Thomas was glad he was the first name on the speed dial list.
"Oh, Nightfire! How lovely to hear from you? You heard we have your little songbird trapped with us? You think you can save him?" the voice snarled in Thomas' direction, they hadnt noticed the phone.
"Well I'm certainly a good enough fighter to, and if you dont let him go, it wont end well for you," Virgil's voice was bridging on a mix between a hiss and a snarl.
"Well then, meet us here, see if you can get your songbird and little goldilocks back before I kill them both, show up unmasked, and you wont have to fight us for them," the man snarled. He looked over at Thomas and noticed the phone in his pocket. But before he could look at who had called him, Virgil had hung up and the screen had gone black.
Thomas waited for what felt like decades, his wrists were sore from trying to get out of the bonds, his eyes watered from how itchy the cloth was. He heard Cori's sobs from across the room, and then he heard a door crash open.
"Alright, I'm here, now let them go." Virgil called, he was still wearing his mask, his voice was less audible than usual.
"I dont think I will, Nightfire, I think you need to get them down yourself," said the gravelly voiced man.
Thomas felt himself falling, and then everything went cold. The bonds on cloth had fallen off on impact. He cleared his eyes, he was trapped in a black box, slowly filling with water.
"You can save either one or the other, but not both, the moment you get one out of the water, the other will fill up completely," said the man with a laugh.
"You're a sadistic monster, you know that, and this is coming from someone who fought cthulu," said Virgil. "But fine, I'll play your game," Thomas heard a splash in his tank. "Dont worry love, I'm going to get all three of us out, just play along my darling," Virgil cooed from under the water. Thomas was glad he could breathe down here, his voice was comforting. Virgil pretended to fumble with the lock for a bit before Thomas heard it snap off. Thomas felt himself be pulled out of the water, he gasped for air as soon as they resurfaced.
"So you care more about your boyfriend than your future child, what kind of hero are you?" said the man, laughing.
"The kind who knows how to do this," Virgil covered Thomas' ears, and let loose the loudest shriek Thonas had ever heard. The men were knocked backwards, and in their distraction Virgil managed to duck under the water at Cori's end, and dismantle the lock. Cori was soaking wet and shaking, her face was red and stained with tears.
Thomas held his arms out for her, and Virgil took him in his own. He ran out of the building and took to the shadows.
Cori had fallen asleep by the time they got home, so they out her in bed to talk.
"This is why I was so afraid to tell you, I should've known this would happen," Virgil said.
"Virgil, it's my fault, I got reckless, I thought I was doing fine not telling anybody, I should've taken into account that someone might have seen us kissing and gotten suspicious," Thomas averted his eyes, Virgil put a hand on his cheek and turned his face toward him.
"Its not your fault, Thomas, it never will be, but I got you something, to prevent this from happening again," Virgil opened his palm, a dozen purple and black butterflies spilled out and fluttered around Thomas, a dozen more leaving the room to head upstairs. "They can change form and become invisible, to keep you safe in case anyone else catches on," Virgil gave Thomas a quick kiss, he flushed bright red.
"Thank you, Stormcloud, I love you," Thomas said, sitting next to Virgil on the couch and resting his head on the man's shoulder.
"I love you to Sunbeam," Virgil said, resting his head on Thomas'.
#cori answers#tw kidnapping#tw child abuse#tw abuse#tw drowning#tw angst#ts virgil#virgil sanders#character thomas#ts character thomas#romantic thvi#thvi
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This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing
Big vent/whats been going on
Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...
Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.
For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.
And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.
If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.
By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.
If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.
Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say
.
.
.
.
.
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Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.
I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.
My family didnt care.
When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.
My family didnt care.
I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.
But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.
Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.
I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.
My family did not care.
When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.
My family did not care
When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.
When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....
Is it me being dramatic then?
When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...
Am I a liar now? Am I insane?
When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.
My family didnt care.
When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.
My family didnt care.
Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.
When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)
They did not care.
My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.
My family did not care.
She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.
My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.
My family did not care.
My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.
Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.
All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.
Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.
These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.
Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.
I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.
Gone.
I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..
If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?
Ive layed out basically most of what I remember
A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...
I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..
If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..
I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.
Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.
I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..
Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.
I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.
I
CANT
LEAVE
And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.
I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..
I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..
Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.
Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.
Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.
I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..
If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)
And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..
Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...
Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just
I dont know what to do.
Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...
Im just tired..
#trigger warning#triggering#may be triggering#vent#emotional neglect#emotional abuse#suicide#suicide trigger#gore warning#memory problems#ramble#rambles
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Second in Command (Epilogue - Part Seven)
Summary: Life as the “spare to the heir” isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be when you’re the supposed screw-up of the family, but people don’t know what really happens behind closed doors.
Rating: Mature
A/N: You guys are totally going to be annoyed with me for how I left it on a cliffhanger when I totally didn’t have to except to show some character growth and how things change...which I guess is exactly the reason I ended it that way :D
Found on AO3: Beginning | Current
Tumblr Chapters: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20
Epilogue Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7
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“Can I come in, son?”
“Yeah, of course,” Killian answers automatically, the shock of his father just showing up at his door stunning him for only a moment. It’s not like he never visits. He usually just calls or texts first. “I didn’t know you were coming over, dad. Why didn’t you call?”
“Oh, I was visiting the kids and thought I’d drop by since I knew that the two of you had returned home.” His dad steps inside, squeezing his shoulder before leaning down to pet Indy. “Hello, darling,” he then greets Emma, kissing her cheek before wrapping her up in a hug. “How are you feeling today?”
“Good, good,” Emma insists, her eyes still blown wide as if she’s actually been shocked. He knows she’s still a bit rattled from the flight and her nausea. The same thing had happened when they went out sailing the morning of their anniversary, before the disaster of the rest of that day, and even though he had been wary of it, Emma insisted she was fine. She never said she wasn’t, but the green of her face told him otherwise. “How are you?”
“Kicking pretty high for my age.”
“You are not old,” she laughs, tugging on Indy’s leash. “Do you mind if I take Indy for a quick walk? Let her run around a bit. She’s been told she’s going outside, and I’m afraid she’ll freak out if she doesn’t get to go.”
“Of course, dear. I’ll chat with Killian, and the second you two come back inside, I want to hear all about how you’ve been since you left us to go holiday in the warm sunshine. I swear it’s rained for the past week.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Emma takes a step over toward him, leaning up and kissing his cheek, whispering that she’ll be right back before taking a step outside with Indy and leaving him with his dad.
“Do you want something to drink? Eat?”
“I’m fine.” His father begins walking to the living room, settling down into the recliner he prefers when visiting all while Killian sits down on the couch next to him, only a side table between them. “So how was your holiday?”
He almost chokes on his own saliva thinking of all of the things he absolutely cannot tell his father about their holiday as well as wondering if he should bring up the privacy issue just yet. He doesn’t know, is never truly sure about these types of things. He could have a nice, normal conversation with his father or it could turn into another tense, stressful one. He’s had enough of those for a lifetime, but he also knows that he doesn’t have all of the time in the world to fix this. He’s got fewer than four months, really.
“It was wonderful,” he finally answers, his lips ticking up on one side. It really was wonderful to get away with Emma and only have each other for awhile despite the disaster that was their anniversary. It got better, though. It wasn’t completely bad. They had the sailing trip and the takeout meal that was better than anything else they’d eaten if only for how comfortable they both felt. He felt his son move for the first time, which was bloody brilliant and most definitely his new favorite thing. “It’s a gorgeous island. Emma mentioned something about asking you to make our beaches like that.”
Brennan barks out a laugh, the wrinkles on his face all gathering together while his gray hair shakes the slightest bit. If Killian was a betting man, he’d guess his dad is getting his hair cut in the next two or three days, keeping up with his lifelong schedule of haircuts. “If only I could. That would be bloody wonderful. But I like the way she thinks.”
“She’s definitely a brilliant dreamer.” He trails off toward the end of his sentence, looking down at his hand and twisting his ring around his finger, his constant physical reminder of his lifelong commitment to Emma, as if he really needs one. “Can I talk to you about something, dad?”
“Of course.”
“I know, well, I know that things were different when I was a kid, that technology wasn’t as advanced, that I was a bit of a surprise child and that you were on the older side when I was born.”
“Well, why don’t you just call me elderly then, Killian? And you have absolutely no proof that you were a surprise child.”
His dad laughs when he speaks, but Killian isn’t finding a lot of humor in it, knowing that he’s likely going to upset Brennan with his words.
“What I mean is, I know you weren’t really, truly involved in my life. And I’m not blaming you or trying to make you feel…upset, but I need a very particular kind of advice that really only you and mum or Liam and Abigail can give. And I’m honestly not even sure you can give it.”
“What’s wrong, Killian?”
He takes a moment to collect himself, hundreds of words on the tip of his tongue but none of them feeling quite right. But he has to say something, so he might as well speak the truth.
“How the hell am I supposed to be a father in a world where I can’t protect the privacy of my wife and my child? There were, um, photographers who rented out a house and used scopes to take pictures of us on the beach. And Emma and I got into a pretty nasty argument about it. She’s worried…I’m worried about Andrew’s privacy. We want him to live a life as normal as possible. We don’t want photographers following him to school or to the park, and I just – I don’t know how to fix it.”
He’s been clenching his fist all while he talks, the tenseness in his hand almost painful while hot tears form in his eyes, every fault and every insecurity he’s had long before the fight with Emma coming back and assaulting his senses, making everything a dark, cloudy blur.
Brennan looks calm, secure, the blue of his eyes not changing while his eyelids rapidly blink, his brows furrowing and the lines on his face increasing. Has he said too much? Shown too much emotion? Asked for the impossible?
“The fact that you have very obviously beaten yourself up about this proves that you are a better dad than I ever have been.”
“That’s not what I meant, dad. I didn’t – ”
“I know, Killian. I’m not taking offense to anything. I was a poor excuse for a father for the majority of your life. I was focused on Liam, on my job, on the protocol and the way that my father raised Albert and me. All I knew was that fathers were not supposed to be close to their children, and as much as that hurt me as a child, I stupidly believed it. The fact that you have forgiven me is something I still can’t believe.”
He leans over and places his hand on Brennan’s knee, patting him before leaning back and wiping at his eyes. “I did it for me, but with the way you’ve worked to change, you deserve it.”
“Thank you, my boy.” His father smiles, settling back into his chair and crossing his hands together in his lap. “But this is not about me. This is about you and your family. So you don’t want Andrew in the public eye? At all? Is that what you’re saying?”
“I mean, we haven’t discussed it in serious length, but yes. I’m sure that Emma will be okay with releasing the occasional photo or having him join us when we go overseas so we don’t have to be apart from him, but I think we’re going to have to take a step back in traditions. And when he gets older, I think we may need to move somewhere much more private.”
The front door opens then, the alarm beep sounding at the same time that he hears the click of nails and the squeak of sneakers as well as Emma’s voice. He straightens up, fixing his hunched back and sitting against the couch in as much of a relaxed position as he can.
“Go find, Killian, girl, yeah,” Emma coos, her voice getting louder the closer she gets to the living room. And then she’s in view, Indy running in first and jumping up on the couch before getting down once she spots Brennan, less familiar people always more exciting than him. Emma walks toward him, sitting down in the seat Indy just vacated and reaching around him to tangle her fingers in his hair, stroking the strands. “What’s wrong? Your shoulders are tensed.”
How the hell does she always know?
“Killian and I,” his father answers for him, seemingly understanding that Killian wasn’t sure what to say, “were simply talking about how you two seem to be suffering from some privacy issues and are worried about your child’s future, that you want Andrew to lead a more private life than normal.”
“Oh,” Emma gulps, her hand stilling in his hair before beginning again, “well, yeah. I know that we all grew up differently and that my childhood isn’t really an option, but that’s what I want, what we want. We want him to be able to be a kid, you know? I don’t want him to be used to cameras everywhere he goes. I don’t know how we’d fix that, but that’s definitely my top priority right now. And forever probably.”
His hand finds Emma’s knee, thumb running back and forth over the material of her leggings while she speaks. He’s here with her, for her, consistently, and he hopes that she knows this.
“Why don’t you two give me some time to think things over? I’ll meet with security. We’ll work out some plans and ideas. You two should probably talk to Liam and Abigail. It’s not, well, it won’t be exactly the same. You have more freedom than them, and they’re not quite as private as the two of you. But they do have experience in all of this.” “Thank you, Brennan,” Emma sighs, leaning back into the couch and scratching at his neck, his eyes fluttering closed for a quick moment.
“Of course, but at the end of the day, above everything else, we’re a family. How you two feel is far more important than any sort of duty and tradition we have, even if I do ask that we stick to the important ones.”
“Actually, I have something else that I want to talk about.”
His head snaps to her, eyes searching for what she has to say, but she’s not looking at him, her gaze trained on the wag of Indy’s tail while her fingers tap over his on her leg, the hand in his hair having stilled.
“What do you want to talk about, love?”
She looks at him then, the smallest of smiles on her face that comforts him the slightest bit, before directing her gaze to Brennan. “I don’t want to walk out of the hospital all made up hours after giving birth. Kudos to Abigail. She is a badass woman for that, but that’s not what I want. Andy doesn’t need to be exposed to so many people as a newborn. I don’t need to be all dressed up when I’ve just given birth. I don’t care about tradition when it comes to this. This is what I’m doing, and I really feel like it’s the first step in taking a stand about him not being some kind of public property.”
He didn’t know she felt that way about any of that, nearly every word she said news to him, but he gets it, supports it. If that’s what Emma wants for this, that’s what they’ll do. He’s never quite understood that tradition anyways, and he likes the idea of a more private celebration with just them and their families while Emma heals and they adjust to the terrifying process of being parents for the first time.
“I’m not sure we can do that, dear.”
“What?” His head snaps over to his dad, trying to process the words. “You literally just said that how we feel is more important than any duty we have.”
“But that we need to stick to the important traditions, yes. New family members are an important tradition.”
“Brennan,” Emma grits, her voice strained as she tries to keep it friendly, “I respect our family and all of the traditions we have, but I am not some kind of human machine who’s only here to produce babies. Yes, of course this is a big deal, but it’s a big deal for us as a personal family, not as some part of the institution. You can still put the sign up, make any and all announcements you want. Hell, I’ll release a picture if we have to, but all I’m asking is that we’re allowed to leave and travel home in peace.”
“I agree, dad. I mean, really. Of all of the things we break and bend, of all of the things we change, surely you can let this one thing go? It’s not hundreds of years ago where people are faking pregnancies and paternities to keep the line intact, which was ridiculous then. I think letting family be family is the most important thing, don’t you?”
“Aye, it’s just…you’ll have to forgive me.” Brennan runs his hand over his face, visibly warring something within himself, the lines on his face stressing. “You were right earlier when you said things are different now. These are not things that I really went through with you, not as prevalent as you. Emma, dear, I’m sorry. I don’t…I shouldn’t have ever considered making you do something you’re not comfortable with. I love you dearly, and you and Killian know what’s best here, not me.”
“I don’t want to disappoint you,” Emma says, getting up from the couch and sitting down on the edge of the coffee table so that she can squeeze Brennan’s hand. “You are so brilliant, and you uphold this family so well. I know that I’m different, that it was difficult to accept me, but change can be good, you know?”
“I know.”
Brennan stays for a little while longer, hashing out a few more details with them before accepting a cup of tea and some food, finally listening to them talk about their holiday all the while scratching behind Indy’s ears, her eyes closed in bliss the entire time. It’s peaceful, relaxing, and he feels his shoulders loosen the longer the conversation goes on, Emma’s laughter and joyful voice sounding throughout the room. In the back of his mind, though, he keeps replaying the conversation, thinking of everything he said, everything they all said, and he’s amazed it all went as smoothly as it did, surprised that his father acquiesced to their private exit from the hospital so easily. He had no idea that Emma wanted that, and he wonders how long she’s been toying with the idea, how many late nights she’s spent worrying about bringing it up. He knows she didn’t just think of it now, that it wasn’t spur of the moment, and he tries to remind himself to ask her about it later, to make sure that there’s nothing else she’s hoarding inside.
She goes through enough, has gone through enough over the years, and she shouldn’t feel like she has to hold things back from him.
But he saves his thoughts for later, letting his dad leave and letting Emma take a nap, her eyes falling shut without her even laying down on the couch. He wakes her before she can get into too deep of a sleep, though, knowing that it’ll hurt her back, and helps her go upstairs to their room, ignoring the curses she’s muttering under her breath about him waking her up. While she sleeps, he goes downstairs to his office, answering emails and clearing out his inbox that he left alone while they were in Spain.
Summer is normally a slow time for them, June and July full of engagements while August is usually taken off to spend in Balmoral. Emma’s due in September, though, a few days after his birthday, and she’s not working after August begins. He is, though, doing his regular work and making a few short trips, making sure never to never travel more than three hours away in case he needs to be home.
But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have things to do now, organizing his files and reviewing the financials for Kidding a Goal until Indy comes walking into his office, her nails clicking against the wood until she’s staring up at him with her mouth wide open, tongue practically falling out of her mouth. He checks his watch and sees that it’s far past seven. He’s surprised she didn’t come and get him two hours ago.
“You ready to eat, my girl?”
That gets her tail wagging before she takes off, running toward the kitchen at such a pace that she’s probably there before he even gets up from his chair. Sure enough, she’s already waiting next to her bowl like the most well-behaved dog in the world, which is not something he expected when he and Emma decided to get a dog last year. But she’s done well, their training working most of the time, but Indy does have the tendency to lick his face when he’s sleeping. He’s not a fan of that.
But she’s his best bud and a constant companion on his runs, so it all evens out.
After feeding her, he hears footsteps coming down the stairs, Emma wandering into the kitchen with sleep-rumpled hair and pillow streaks on her face, her pajama top falling off of one shoulder. She immediately heads toward the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and some yogurt before settling down on a barstool.
“How’d you sleep?”
She grunts in response, opening her yogurt and eating a large spoonful. “I hate being pregnant sometimes.”
“So not well then?”
“Nope. I felt like my guts were all being squeezed out, but do you know who’s not moving now that I’m awake and out of bed?”
“Andy.”
“Yep.”
She keeps eating her yogurt, quickly finishing it up before getting another carton. He should probably fix something for dinner so she doesn’t consume the entire yogurt supply in their fridge.
“Hey, sweetheart?”
“Yeah?” she mumbles, pulling her spoon out of her mouth and looking up at him, her hair deflating the slightest bit from when she came down.
“You want to tell me what that was earlier? With my dad. When did you decide you didn’t want to do the public announcement?”
“Oh, um, I first thought about it a few weeks ago, but it was really driven home after last week. Why? You have an issue with it?”
“No,” he laughs, leaning down across from her and propping his elbows on the counter. “I think it’s bloody brilliant, that you are brilliant. I like that you want to do things your way…our way. It’s very sexy.” “Oh boy, if you’re looking to get laid right now that is not happening.”
“Well damn. Now I have no reason to compliment you.”
“Shut up,” she groans, tossing her spoon over into the sink, the metal clanking. “But seriously, you’re okay with all that, right?”
“Of course. I want you to do what makes you comfortable. I’m not the one giving birth.”
“Damn right. I think I’m going to give your dad a heart attack though.”
“Aye, definitely. I know he’s trying and he’s being accommodating, but I could practically see the fear of breaking traditions rolling off of him in anxiety-filled waves. But he’s seventy-three. Some things just aren’t going to change.”
“So basically we hit the jackpot today?”
“Yep.” He walks over to the fridge, opening it up and seeing what they have left over from before they left. “What do you want for dinner?”
-/-
“Bloody buggering hell,” he curses, bringing his thumb to his mouth and soothing where he just jammed his finger on the wood.
Building a crib should not be this difficult, but it apparently is. He’s been following the instructions exactly, making sure that each piece is doubly secure, and he’s not sure how it’s taking this long. He should be finished, this crib should be made, and he should be able to move onto the shelves or Emma’s glider that she was insistent on them getting.
He’s spent more time in this room in the past month than he has in any other room in the house, June somehow running away with itself all while he’s been hidden away within these four walls. It took a month and a half for he and Emma to decide on a simple light gray, one that he’s pretty sure is also in their bedroom, but honestly, once they both agreed on the color (likely because they have agreed on it once before), he wasn’t going to say anything else. He did pick out the gray-ish blue that’s on the wall with the shelves (or at least where they’ll go once he gets to them), so he’s pretty proud of it.
Neither he or Emma are much one for designing, though they have gotten a bit more into it since the remodel of the apartment, but he’s pretty proud of how Andy’s room is shaping up, even if the lad will stay in the bassinet in their room for awhile. It’s a simple room, clean lines and clean colors. All of the furniture are different shades of white and warm browns, woods really, with natural accents. Abigail gifted them a large wooden giraffe along with some leaf and animal prints, so those are sitting in the corner waiting to be placed after all of this furniture is built.
His favorite part, though, is definitely going to be the little sitting area by the shelves and the changing table. He’s not under any impression that this is going to be a calm room, a place to relax, but he figures there have to be times when he’s rocking Andy back to sleep in that very spot, the shelves filled with colorful children’s books that’ll become routine reading one day as well as being filled with several stuffed animals and photo frames that he can’t wait to update with pictures. Of course, the cabinets below will be filled with the essentials, the things no one likes to talk about like diapers and nipple cream (that was something Emma did not want to know about, and he honestly doesn’t blame her), but they’re definitely still in the dreamy, picture perfect nursery phase where the messiness of a child isn’t quite a factor.
Really to him, as much as he knows this is real, as much as he sees the physical proof, feels the physical proof (which holy shit is it incredible to be able to feel his son move), it’s still difficult for him to comprehend that in two months he and Emma will have a child. It’s something they’ve talked about for years, something they were planning on, but it’s difficult to put into words just how much love he has for his son.
And his wife.
She’s a rockstar in every sense of the word, and if he doesn’t mention it enough, Emma sure as hell will. He loves her fiercely, and that love is another thing that he can’t quite put into words. He honestly doesn’t understand men who moan and groan about their wives constantly. If anything, he finds it disgusting. Yes, you’re going to have disagreements with your significant other. That’s natural when you decide to spend your life with someone who has their own wants, needs, and opinions, but at the end of the day, his wife is his best friend. If there’s anyone he wants to spend time with, it’s her. No question.
If the answer to who your best friend isn’t your spouse or the person you’re marrying, he doesn’t understand why the hell you’d bother getting married. His mates are great, but they’re not Emma.
Maybe he is a bit of the cheeseball that Emma always claims him to be, but he likes it that way.
He’s definitely going to embarrass his kids. All of the time. He can’t wait. He’s got a few years, but he can’t wait.
“You know we can hire someone to do this, right?” Emma asks, a bit of laughter in her tone that makes him roll his eyes. His best friend, most definitely. The teasing is just a small part of that.
“Aye, but I’ve started it, and I intend on finishing it.” “Okay, but the crib doesn’t need to fall apart while there’s a baby inside of it, and the glider doesn’t need to fall apart while I’m sitting on it. That’s, like, a double disaster, and I know you lived by yourself for a long time, but I’m pretty sure you’re not capable of that anymore.”
“Oh, really? Because I was just going to make them as unsafe as possible so that I could live by myself again. I miss being able to stretch out in the bed.”
“You’re so funny,” she teases from the other side of the nursery where she’s putting away the washed clothes in the closet, organizing them by size. He swears they have enough clothes to last Andy for the first two years of his life, and that’s not counting the piles of things he knows David and Mary Margaret have at their house. “I think I may have bought him too much stuff. I don’t even think I own this many things.”
“You don’t mess your clothes up multiple times a day.”
“Good point.”
“I tend to make those.”
“Eh. Debatable.”
“Not at all debatable.” He turns back to the crib, looking at the instructions to see if he can remember where he left off before Emma distracted him. “Shit, this is impossible.”
“I can call my dad, babe. It won’t be a problem. He’s a bit handier than you.”
“Please, I am plenty handy.”
“Okay, well being handy with me is not the same as being handy when it comes to building things.”
“If we call your dad, he’s going to take over. I want to do some of this myself.”
“I will tell Dad just to help. Come on, babe, you love spending time with my dad.”
“Only now that he doesn’t give me the scary speeches anymore.”
“Yeah, I bet those were a lot of fun.”
“I mean, it’s been a solid half a decade since I’ve gotten one, but he still shakes me to my core.”
He hears Emma laugh, snort really, before she makes her way over to him, slowly settling down on the floor next to him and waving her hand until he gives her the instructions. She looks over them while looking at the crib, her eyes continuously darting between the two.
“You put part G in backwards. That’s why nothing after that is fitting.”
“Bloody hell,” he curses, reaching over and taking the instructions from her hand and checking to see if she really did just solve his problem, “how did you see that when I’ve been staring at it for the past hour?”
“Fresh eyes, my love. Fresh eyes.” She leans forward and kisses his cheek before falling back against the wall. “And that’s exactly why calling my dad and asking him to come over in the morning will be a great idea. I bet Mom will want to come too, and she does a mean job with a power drill.”
So Emma calls her parents who agree to come over in the morning. On top of moving, they’ve also begun to change around the hours of the pub, opening it earlier and letting Will close it out at night. And it’s because of this that they show up at eight in the morning, he and Emma both still asleep when their doorbell rings. Emma groans when she hears it, burying her face into his chest and making it impossible for him to get up without disturbing her. He can feel Andy summersaulting around in her belly, and he smiles to himself knowing that she’s going to have get up. She can’t sleep when he’s moving around like that.
He can’t sleep when Emma’s basically running marathons in bed, but that’s not something he’s going to voice out loud. He can get up and sleep in a guest room if he needs to. Emma can’t get up and walk away from the person who’s running marathons in her stomach.
There’s two human feet inside of her. That’s pretty weird if he thinks about it too much.
Okay, so really weird.
Slowly but surely he gets out of bed, letting Emma flip over into his spot, and heads downstairs to open the front door. David and Mary Margaret have a key, but they never use it, always waiting for either he or Emma to open the door for them, which he appreciates after one too many times having them walk in on he and Emma.
“Hi,” he greets, opening the door and ushering them inside. “Emma’s still asleep, but I’m sure she’ll wake up soon. Do you guys want some breakfast?”
“We ate at home, sweetie,” Mary Margaret greets, giving him a quick hug before David does the same. “So Emma said you guys were having some issues in the nursery.”
“I believe that it was more like Killian not being able to put together a crib in under three weeks.”
“So funny, Dave,” he bites, rolling his eyes and locking the door. “I did eventually figure it out. I just think this mid-July heat is obviously getting to me. Or maybe nerves. I’m not too sure.”
“Well, let’s go help then. We’ve got to be at the pub at two, but I think we should be able to get things done.”
After he fixes himself some coffee, not nearly as wide awake as David and Mary Margaret, they head upstairs and begin working in the nursery, assembling the shelves and drilling them into the walls in half the time that it would have taken he and Emma had they done this by themselves. So maybe help isn’t all bad. Before Emma even wakes up, they have the shelves installed and pictures securely nailed on the wall. There are books already being stacked, stuffed animals and knick knacks being placed, and all of the fun nipple creams and breast pumps being placed in the cabinet.
They’re working on the glider when Emma finally wanders in, her hair falling out of its band so that half of it spills down her back while the other half is piled on top of her head, and she’s got her glasses on, something she only does when her eyes feel too puffy to put her contacts in.
“Hey, sweetheart,” David greets, finishing tightening the screw he’s working on before getting up to embrace Emma. “How are you feeling?”
“Rough today. I think the little dude’s a giant or something because he crushes my lungs and my bladder at the same time. So I can’t breathe, and I have to pee. So, yeah, it’s fun.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks, dad. It looks fantastic in here. You guys have done so much. I feel like we’re not going to have anything to do in the next two months if we finish all of this.”
“That’s kind of the point, love.”
“Yeah,” she yawns, covering her mouth, “I know. Mom, do you want to come and rest with me in my room? My back hurts today, and I just can’t sit on the floor in here with you guys.” “Of course, hon,” Mary Margaret answers, walking away from the closet and stepping over to Emma before she rubs up and down her back. “Are you sure you don’t want Killian to join you? David and I would be fine to work on our own.”
“No, it’s fine. I bug him all day, and I’m kind of thinking that you can paint my toes for me or we can watch movies or something. It’s been awhile since we’ve done that.”
“Text me if you need me, love,” he tells Emma, his eyes tracing over her in a bit of concern. It’s difficult watching her be uncomfortable or miserable on some days when he literally can’t do anything about it.
“Yeah, babe, I will.”
Emma and Mary Margaret walk out of the room, their voices fading away as they walk into their bedroom one room over, and he’s left with just David who promptly gets back to work finishing building the chair. Music plays in the background, an eighties’ playlist he thinks, and it doesn’t take longer before the chair is completely together and he’s sitting in it testing it out. It’s comfortable, probably one of the best seats they have in the house, and he can definitely understand why Emma insisted on this one after shopping around a bit.
“How does someone so small have so much stuff?”
“My child is twenty-eight years old, we don’t even live in her childhood home anymore, and I swear things of hers still pop up all of the time.”
“That’s likely because Emma leaves everything all over the place.”
He folds his hands behind his head, closing his eyes and rocking back and forth while Cherry Bomb plays in the background, which is definitely not a nursery appropriate song. Or maybe it is. Who needs Mozart when you can have The Runaways?
“So is Emma like that every day?”
“Like what?” he asks, popping an eye open to look at David who’s sitting against the shelves, which can’t be good for his back. God, how old is he getting if his first concern is for someone else’s back?
“Exhausted.”
“No, not every day. She’s usually got a hell of a lot of energy, even if there’s always a nap. I think she had a restless night. She’ll tell me like it is, though. If she’s having a bad day, she’ll let us know.” “What about you?”
“Well, I don’t have a baby crushing my lungs and my bladder.”
“True,” David laughs, running his hands through his short hair. Killian swears it’s gotten more gray in the past year, the blonde nearly disappearing. David is only fifty-two, so he’s not exactly older. Hell, if it weren’t for the wrinkles on his forehead and the gray hairs outnumbering the blonde, he’d look much younger. “But I remember being a dad for the first time. It’s terrifying, so you’re allowed to be scared.”
“I am. It’s…” He reaches up and scratches behind his ear, his hair getting long enough that he knows he needs to get a haircut soon. “Emma and I try to make sure that we keep up our normal routines, that we have our normal conversations without talking too much about the baby, but it’s kind of hard, you know? It’s like we’ll be talking about going out to eat and two minutes later we’re making a list of middle names or speculating if he’s going to look more like me or Emma.”
“I know. But it’s an exciting time, Killian. There will never be anything like it, and if you want to talk about the fact that you’re having a kid, you should. You and Emma have been together for so long, and I really don’t think your relationship is going to struggle if you’re not sitting around making references no one else understands for hours on end.”
“Oi,” he protests, resisting the urge to pick up the toy elephant next to him and throw it at David, “that is your daughter you’re mocking, and she can still kick your ass.”
“Trust me, I know. Who do you think raised her to be like that?”
“Mary Margaret.”
“You’re walking a thin line.”
He winks at David, his lips ticking up on the right into a smirk. “I know. You and Mary Margaret did such a good job, still do such a good job, and even with all of the times you’ve messed up – ”
“ – which is a lot more often than even Emma has probably told you.”
“I just…you’re a good dad, Dave. To Emma, to me. I hope I can do half as good as a job.”
“You’ll be great, Killian.” David smiles at him, something genuine, and Killian’s reminded of how much David really has impacted his life in all of the best ways. “I promise. And as much as I love you, I do love my little girl more, and she’s going to be amazing. She’s always…she’s never been too open to a lot of people, but the people she loves, she loves so fiercely, you know? And she’s already doing so well at being a mom. She’ll call me at nights, and I can just hear the happiness and excitement in her voice. At the end of the day, that’s all you want, you know? For your kid to be healthy and happy.”
“Yeah, I know.” He smiles to himself, thinking of how happy he is. “Also, how dare you imply that you love your own daughter more than me. I thought I meant more to you than that. I thought we had something special, man.”
“I can still give you hell. I’d watch yourself.”
He and David finish up in the nursery for the next few hours until David and Mary Margaret have to go to work, leaving after the three of them eat lunch down in the kitchen, Emma staying upstairs for a nap. When the Nolans are gone and he’s finished eating, he heads upstairs, bypassing the nursery and walking into their bedroom where Emma is sitting up on the bed watching TV.
“Your toes look nice,” he compliments, grabbing onto her big toe and moving it back and forth. “Do you feel any better?”
“Yeah,” she sighs, twisting onto her back and scooting up the bed, “it’s just one of those days, you know? I’m not usually this miserable.”
“I know, but it’s okay to have bad days, love.”
“Come here,” she tells him, crooking her fingers and motioning toward him before she turns on her side and wraps her arms around her pillow. He does as she asks, kicking off his sneakers and crawling up into the bed, the mattress moving against his weight until he’s pressed up behind her, his knee stuck between her thighs and his arm wrapped around her waist while the other rests above her head. This is how she’s been comfortable lately, and he can’t say he minds. “Did you guys get a lot done?”
“Aye, it’s almost all finished.” He moves her hair off of her neck, placing a kiss there before resting his chin on her shoulder. “It just needs your finishing touches, I think.”
“And we have to unpack all of the boxes that are in the guest room and put them away in the closet.” “That too, but we’ve got time, Emma.” She hums, and he can feel the vibrations as well as Andy moving around under his touch, the movements following how he taps his fingers. “Has he been active today?”
“Not since I woke up, but he always responds to your voice.” “Yeah, he recognizes me?”
“Of course, you talk so damn much. How could he not?”
He turns his head and presses a kiss against her jaw, biting a bit just to tease her. “You are not a very nice woman, my love.”
“Oh please, I’m, like, the seventh nicest person you know.”
“Seventh?”
“I figured it was conceited to put me at number one.”
“Possibly.” He moves his hand against her stomach again, snaking his fingers up under her pajama top so that he can feel the warmth of her skin. “So he really does get more active when I talk?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty weird to think about, but it’s true. He likes when you talk. I think it’s because you’re a much better story teller than me.” “I mean, obviously.”
“And that he’s probably just glad to hear someone else besides me. Imagine being stuck with someone for nine months. Good God.”
“Well, I’m stuck with you for forever. Good God.”
She groans and curses him under his breath before she scoots over and turns in his arms, slowly but surely moving to face him. “Don’t be an asshole. Also, so I was talking to mom today, and she wants to be called Mimi. I think Dad wants to be called Papa, which I like as long as that’s not what you want. I know that’s what some kids call their dads.”
“Aye, it’s what Lizzie calls Liam, which is weird since Alex doesn’t do that. But I’m okay with dad or daddy, so David can be called Papa.”
“Yeah, I kind of like it. Mimi and Papa. And then your parents are Gammy and Grandpa, right? That’s what Alex and Lizzie call them.”
“Aye, but I know Mom didn’t want to be Gammy. It’s just what happened. She says it makes her feel old.”
“Your mom is not old.”
“I know, but considering your parents are barely fifty while my parents are in their sixties and seventies, it doesn’t help.”
“I’ll tell my parents to get older then.”
He smiles at her before closing his eyes and settling into his pillow, letting his head sink down into the softness. It’s calming in here, the lights turned off and curtains closed while the ceiling fan hums a steady rhythm above them. He could fall asleep like this even if he’s not the biggest fan of naps, always somehow ending up groggy when he wakes up, and it doesn’t help with the way that Emma is playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, her fingers scratching into his scalp.
“Are you working tomorrow?”
He pops an eye open, looking at Emma and smiling when her nail hits a particularly sensitive spot on his neck. “Aye, I’ve got the Investiture ceremony at ten. Why?”
“Just wondering. I was thinking we could go somewhere. Just us. Maybe take Indy to Berkshire and let her run around, spend some time outside.” “We can do it in the afternoon, if you want. I think the weather is supposed to be nice.”
“Yeah,” she sighs, leaning forward and sliding her lips over his for a brief moment, “I think that would be nice.”
The next day after he’s finished with the ceremony, he hurries home, changing out of his suit and into shorts and a t-shirt, slipping a baseball cap onto his head and grabbing something to eat for lunch while Emma does the same, her hair falling out of the back of her hat in a long ponytail. They’ve got all day, but the afternoon’s weather is pleasant enough that he’d like to go now so they can stop by a café for dinner, even if that’s the absolute last thing that Thomas will want them to do.
They want their privacy, but they should be able to go out to dinner.
So he and Emma load up into his car, letting Indy sit in the backseat with the window rolled down so she can feel the mid-July breeze blow through her fur. It doesn’t take long to get to Windsor, pulling into their parking garage less than thirty minutes later, and instead of going inside like they’d usually do, he hooks Indy up to her leash while Emma grabs some water bottles and they head to the private gardens, avoiding the visitors wandering around on tours.
As much as he prefers the spring, mild July days are near the top of his list of favorite things. Everything is brighter, more pleasant. The grass is actually greener, the flowers contrasting against their background to create a landscape of whites and shades of purple, while everything is covered in a clear blue sky, only a few white clouds scattered throughout. New life blooms, and he gets to be the one to appreciate it, to revel in it. England can be so dreary sometimes, the weather somehow reflecting the moods of most people on their morning commute to work, so he appreciates when it’s not. He’s always loved the outdoors, and if there’s any complaint he has about his home, it’s the small private garden that they have to themselves. He’d like something larger, more space to run around, and sometime in the future, he and Emma plan to spend more time in Bucklebury so that they have the privacy.
That’s what they’ve decided on since returning from Spain last month. There’s been more lengthy, draining discussions with his parents and their security team than he’s ever wanted, and as much as he feels like they haven’t really accomplished anything, he knows it’s a slow process. Of course, there are drawbacks to every positive. They’re still going to have to spend most of their time at Kensington. It’s closer to their work, to their families. Hell, Emma’s parents just bought a house so that they could have the ability to spend time with their grandchild, and now they’re going to move away from them. It’s less than an hour drive, but it’s not nearly as close as they currently are.
But everyone understands, and they don’t plan on moving any time soon, not until Andy’s a bit older. They want to be near all of their loved ones when he’s younger, and they’ve spent so much time working on their home, making it exactly how they want. It’d be difficult to leave full time, so it’ll be nice to have the option of both.
It’ll be even nicer to give Andy the most normal life that they can possibly give him.
Emma whistles next to him, her fingers between her lips, while Indy runs back to them from where they let her loose. She was about five seconds away from jumping into a pond full of fish, and as much as they’d usually let her swim, they don’t need to have a wet dog with them for the rest of the day. So she runs back to them as quickly as she can, her legs leaping in the air with her black and white fur bouncing the slightest bit. He’s convinced that she shouldn’t be able to be that quick, but she’s still just a young dog, less than a year old, and though her legs will get longer, he doesn’t think she’ll ever be full of this much energy again.
If she is, he and Emma are definitely in over their heads.
With the dog.
He’s going to choose to not think of what it’ll be like with a toddler than can run and a dog that he can run after.
After she calms from her almost pond dive, Indy walks along in front of the two of them, occasionally wandering off the stone path to sniff around in the plants, nearly tearing up several flowers until they call her back to keep walking. They stay wandering for a little over two hours, not caring where exactly they’re going or if they’re circling back around in the same spots. Indy and Emma get tired around the same time, so they settle down onto a stone bench with a patio cover that’s next to another small pond.
In the distance, he can see the Chapel where they were married, the steeple rising up above the other buildings and stone walls, and he smiles to himself thinking of that day. In the grand scheme of things, he knows that when it comes to he and Emma, as important as it was, they had so many smaller, inconsequential days that he holds just as fondly in his heart.
But that was a pretty damn good day.
He stretches his arm out over the back of the bench, wrapping it around Emma’s shoulder and tangling his fingers into the ends of her ponytail while she leans her head on his shoulder, the bill of her hat hitting him in the chin for a brief moment. He’s glad she suggested them getting away from London for a little bit, for suggesting that they change up the routine and spend a day enjoying summer, especially since they’re missing out on Scotland with the rest of the family.
A month in the same place as everyone is likely a bit long, anyways. He loves his family, but that’s a lot for anyone.
“I love you, you know?” Emma asks out of nowhere, her gaze never falling away from the rippling of the water in front of them, a fish leaping up out of the water while the lily pads float around.
He squeezes her shoulder, rubbing up and down her arm and kissing her head even if she can’t feel it through the hat. “I know. I love you too.”
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my homestuck fics on ao3 - a smallish masterpost
I realised I only had these linked on a custom page, which isn't very mobile-friendly, so here they are.
Let There Be Light
An Earth-Shattering Confession was the first fic I ever finished and, aside from an abandoned Star Trek story, the first of my fiction to see the light of day since the mid-00s. I wrote the first chapter on our netbook, sleepless, sat up in bed, uploaded by morning, and I had no idea where I was going with it. Two days later I was uploading chapter two. I had so much fun.
It's about a trans girl who comes out to her friends. That's pretty much it. It's like fifty percent pesterlog.
The amazing thegeekgene has performed the whole thing!
TT: I've been meaning to ask you for a favor. And that favor comes with a confession. TT: It's rather a large favor. GA: I See GA: How Does It Compare To The Size Of The Confession GA: Are We Talking Mountains And Burrowbeast Hills Or TT: The confession is, if anything, larger. TT: Earth-shattering, if you will. Or possibly Alternia-shattering. One way or another one of our planets is going to get caught in the shockwave created by my horrifying secret. TT: The moment I open my mouth to speak the terrible truth will be remembered in the histories of advanced civilizations as the origin point of the bizarre spatial anomaly that erased this world, burrowbeasts and all, from the universe. TT: You may wish to bring a portable transportalizer so you can escape to a less doomed planet once I've opened my heart to you. GA: I Am Afraid I Have No Such Device GA: But As A Troll I Am Capable Of Surviving The Vacuum Of Space For Several Minutes Without Suffering Harm GA: Its Entirely Possible My Mysterious Rainbow Drinker Powers Will Extend That GA: And According To The Book You Loaned Me Two Weeks Ago A Mere Thirty Seconds Is All You Need Before A Helpful Soul In A Passing Spaceship Arrives To Affect A Rescue GA: Provided Said Ship Is Powered By An Engine Sufficiently Humorous And Improbable GA: So We Can Assume I Will Live Through This Momentous Event GA: And With That Assumption Safely Made And Acknowledged By All Parties Move On To The Confession Itself TT: Ah.
The Other Girl came next and is a one-pager about dysphoria.
On Bananas followed that and is basically about how I don't understand Spironolactone.
These stories are grouped together in a series called Let There Be Light. There's also the unfinished stories Growing Up Again and We'll Stand Up Together, which may well continue at some point!
Prompts
Finding the Path was written (mostly on trains and in a great hurry) as a pinch-hit for Homestuck Ladyfest 2013. It's patchy, but the dialogue is kind of fun (primarily because I only had about two days to write it so I wrote the dialogue first and filled in everything else after).
AG: Where did you land? GA: I Am Stuck In A Tree GA: It Is Not Dignified GA: The Branches Are Poking Me GA: The Matriorb Is Okay Though The Future Of Our Race Is Still Assured GA: So GA: You Know GA: Good AG: Stop ram8ling and tell me where you are! I don't like the look of these woods. GA: How Can You Not Like The Woods Isnt Your Lusus Literally A Giant Spider That Eats People GA: Are You Not By Definition The Scariest Thing In Any Given Set Of Woods GA: Oh No A Spider Troll Come To Feed Me To Her Enormous Monster Parent GA: Isnt That You GA: And Yes Of Course I Am Rambling I Go On Like This When Im Nervous GA: For Some Reason Dropping Through A Weird Glitch In The Side Of A Hill Into A Wood That Wasnt There A Moment Before Has Put Me A Little On Edge
Little Blue Heart was written for Homestuck Rare-pair Swap 2014. It's a Rose/Vriska story set a while after the end of Homestuck (which is a thing that hadn't happened yet when I wrote it) when the characters are adults and finally old enough to fuck up their own lives without any outside assistance. It contains the only sex scene I've ever written.
Your name is Rose Lalonde, and something inside you makes it rain.
A reporter came out to the house a few weeks ago looking for a story in the stormclouds that persist over Rainbow Falls, but what was there to say about it except, it's always raining? She asked questions; you lied. She got some footage you doubt ever made it to TV. You deliberately wore a borderline-offensive shirt for the interview, not because you thought it would make them omit you from any potential broadcast—pixelization is a thing, after all—but merely to express your feelings on the whole process.
When she left for the last time, Kanaya told you that your growing contempt for other humans was an unbecoming quality, that your whole attitude towards people and the planet you ended up on was evidence of a bruise on your soul she was on the verge of giving up trying to heal. Things could have been so much worse, she'd said; you could, after all, have all reincarnated on a recreation of Alternia! You shouted back that that would have been better because maybe some troll there would have been willing to take you apart and find out what's wrong with you, and that was what prompted her to slam the front door on her way out. It still doesn't close properly.
Kanaya's staying in town, for now, and occasionally pops up on Pesterchum. She worries. You wish she'd go further away.
But it's true; something inside you makes it rain. The weather responds to your moods as if auditioning for a horror movie, and in the lightning flashes of your anxiety attacks you see writhing shadows in the forest, reaching for the clouds. They match the wriggling and itching under your skin, and what began as a creeping dread grew in the weeks of your solitude into a horrified certainty: when your head aches and the storm breaks the sky in half above you, you feel them as the limbs of something that crawled inside you long ago.
You can put a name to its tendrils, to the things curled around your spine, to the smoke that gathers in your head: horrorterror.
You are almost insulted to be so comprehensively invaded by something with such a stupid, stupid name.
Skylighter was written for When Worlds Collide: Crossover Fanwork Exchange, and is a Homestuck/Pacific Rim crossover. It's also kind of rushed, but it's okay.
AG: This is the 8est one yet! CG: YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT. IT'S ALWAYS THE BEST ONE YET AND JAEGER PILOTS ARE ALWAYS 'ULTIM8 8ADASSES' AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE A PILOT ONE DAY. AG: Yeah, just as soon as I find someone awesome enough to Drift with me. AG: And none of that ever stops 8eing a thing that is true. Look at that punch! CT: D –> This is e%traordinarily gratifying GA: Yes Oh My Goodness I Am Enthralled GA: Left Hook Right Hook Oh My CG: YOU'VE BEEN PRACTICING SARCASM AGAIN, HAVEN'T YOU? GA: I Dont Know What You Mean CG: SOLLUX SHOULD NEVER HAVE MADE THAT INTERDIMENSIONAL TRANSCEIVER, ALL IT GETS USED FOR IS APPALLING HORNLESS ALIEN SOAP OPERAS AND DEPRESSINGLY PERSISTENT BONE-POLISHING OVER ALIEN PORNOGRAPHY. TA: hey fuck you. TA: iif the iimperiial navy ii2 goiing to hang a hiighly 2ophii2tiicated panuniiver2al trackiing 2y2tem diirectly over our head2 they 2hould equiip iit wiith a better 2ecuriity 2y2tem and 2taff iit wiith troll2 capable of fiindiing theiir 2hame globe2 wiithout a map.
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A Shifting World Chapter 4: Goodbyes and Departures
First Chapter
<– Previous
Work Summary: Things have been going great since Hiccup and Toothless have defeated the Red Death. He has his father’s approval, a group of friends his own age, and is leading the integration of dragons and the Vikings of Berk. When neighboring tribes call together a meeting to discuss rumors of Vikings riding dragons, however, Stoick decides to keep their alliance with dragons under wraps. Hiccup must decide whether he should listen to his father or seek to teach the other Vikings of the archipelago the truths about dragons.
AO3
Rating: T
Characters: Hiccup, Toothless, Astrid, Stoick, Fishlegs, Ruffnut, Tuffnut, Snotlout
Pairings: Minor Hiccup x Astrid
Chapter Summary: Hiccup makes a promise to his best friend. Meanwhile, the twins are the twins and Mildew is Mildew.
Chapter Warnings: Discussions of death and murder, food mention
“You guys are all so lucky,” Tuffnut said as he shook his head at the nearest ship. “You all get to go to the Thing and we don’t.”
“I’d kill for the opportunity to go.” The scariest thing about that statement, Hiccup decided, was that Ruffnut sounded like she genuinely meant it. “The Thing is the prime pranking opportunity, and none of you are going to take advantage of it!”
“We’ll keep that in mind, I promise,” Hiccup said. He found himself regretting that the twins wouldn’t be coming along, even if it cut down the risk of other tribes declaring war on Berk due to missing beards and painted helmets.
Still, with a whole village to terrorize and no one else in their friend group around to entertain them or hold them back, Hiccup was sure that the missed opportunity would soon be a long distant regret.
Luckily enough for Hiccup, if not for Berk, it turned out that many of his friends were coming along, too. Astrid’s mother, Phlegma, was among the Berk Council, as was Spitelout, Snotlout’s father; both had decided their children ought to come along and get a better understanding of the other tribes. Fishlegs, while he had a mother aboard their ship as a sailor, had been chosen to come because Stoick believed he could have potential as a future ambassador of Berk.
Beyond them, all of the Berk Council were going as well. Well, all except for one, who was heading this way with a frown.
Hiccup was suddenly very aware that the twins had seemed to have vanished into thin air. They must’ve pranked Gobber somewhat recently, then.
“Ah, Toothless, there you are!” Gobber said as he wagged the wooden hand cutout attached to his prosthetic arm attachment as he prepared a lecture. “Remember that you aren’t going on this trip, you sneaky reptile.”
Toothless grumbled in irritation and glanced over at Hiccup as if asking him to reverse the decision.
“Sorry, bud,” he said instead, and gave Toothless an apologetic smile. “You know that Dad would kill me if I smuggled you aboard.” And anyways, even if he did go through with showing the other tribes that dragons weren’t inherently violent and were actually amazing, intelligent beings who were willing to live in peace if humans were, he wanted Toothless here, safe, if things went wrong. Again.
Toothless snorted and shook his head, his pupils narrowing slightly.
“Don’t worry, bud, it won’t be for forever.” If Gobber wasn’t there, Hiccup would have told him he’d try and make it so he could go to the next one, too. However, Gobber was still there, listening. He wouldn’t exactly be the sort that would keep quiet if Hiccup started making plans to go against his father’s and chief’s wishes behind his back.
“Yes,” Toothless said with a disgruntled huff.
Hiccup could understand why. He wasn’t too happy about having to leave his best friend either.
Anything else he had to say, however, was swallowed up by a loud yell several feet away.
“I’m telling you, Stoick, this must be a sign from the gods to give up this unholy alliance with the beasts.” Hiccup had heard that voice enough times since after the Battle of the Red Death that he frowned and prepared to sigh with exasperation even before properly recognizing its owner.
Just as there were dragons too affected by the years of conflict to want to move onto Berk, there were Vikings who resisted the peace with the dragons with their heels dug into the ground. But where dragons were happy enough to avoid Berk, Mildew had decided to make his “opinion” everyone’s problem.
And especially Hiccup’s and Stoick’s.
“If the other tribes catch wind of us ‘befriending’ these monsters–” Mildew swung his staff straight toward a nearby Monstrous Nightmare who’d just dropped off a pallet of supply crates tied into groups with fishnet, ignoring their filthy look “–then we might as well kiss our lives goodbye!”
Stoick, half turned toward Mildew and half toward the freshly delivered stack of supplies, rubbed at his head in a way that told Hiccup that he was sensing an oncoming headache. “You’ve already brought this up. For sixteen Gripe Days in a row.”
“And you wouldn’t listen!” Hiccup winced as the vibrations of the resulting slam of the staff end into the wooden dock made their way up his prosthesis. “But now that the other tribes have come knocking, maybe you’ll finally care!”
Stoick cast Mildew a glare so sharp Hiccup almost expected to result in Mildew bursting into flames without a dragon’s intervention. Unfortunately for all of Berk, it didn’t. “Enough, Mildew. I am sticking to the answer I’ve given you every time before. We are not driving the dragons away.”
Mildew’s voice dropped just a fraction, and turned even more bitter and accusing. “Is it something you’re willing to bet the whole village’s lives on?”
“I assure you,” Stoick said, his voice unyielding, “I have the village’s best interests on my mind. And, like it or not, that includes yours.”
“Besides,” Gobber said, walking from beside Hiccup up to Mildew, “is right before Stoick’s about to leave to ensure we continue living in peace really the time to bring this up? Especially since he heard it before?”
Mildew snorted, sounding for all the world like a particularly stubborn sheep not unlike the one that often followed him around.
“I thought so. Now I suggest you go back and tend to your cabbages, unless you want to help load up the ship.” Gobber used his hand prosthesis to gesture at the supplies.
With one last scowl and “Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you,” Mildew stormed off the docks, staff tapping each wooden board along the way.
“Thanks, Gobber,” Stoick said, sounding more relieved than he’d been since the announcement of the Thing.
Gobber shrugged. “Eh, I’ll just add it to list of stuff you’ll owe me for while you’re gone.” He shuddered overdramatically. “Including the Gripe Days you’ll be missing. Not looking forward to those, I’m telling you!”
Stoick laughed and shook his head. “It makes dealing with the other chiefs seem like a picnic.”
Hiccup and Toothless walked toward them. “Can’t you do something about his attitude problem?”
Stoick frowned and sighed. “He gets under my skin as much as yours, son, but I’m afraid I can’t.”
“What does he have against them, anyways?” He leaned over to pat Toothless’s side, to calm himself and his dragon. “They hardly attacked his farm.” Cabbage, to no one’s surprise, was hardly a dragon’s preferred delicacy. In fact, they seemed to avoid them more often than most other crops.
Gobber and Stoick shared a solemn look.
“You see, years ago he set his farm up there,” Gobber said, sounding like he was getting into a long story that had no happy ending. “No one particularly minded, given he was always that… well, Mildewy, for the lack of a better word.” He shrugged. “And he married a woman who was just as grumpy as he was, and they had kids who took after the both of them.”
If Gobber and Stoick hadn’t looked so serious, Hiccup would’ve shuddered at the thought of a family of Mildews.
“They all seemed happy, though, and they kept mostly to themselves, so everything was fine.” Stoick shook his head. “And then, one day, his wife and children were picking up supplies in town when a dragon raid hit.”
“It was the worst in decades.” Gobber bit his lip. “Our best could hardly keep up defending the town from the dragons.” He sighed and shook his head. “By the time dawn came and they retreated, so many had died, even those who hadn’t fought.”
“Including Mildew’s family.” Hiccup never thought he’d feel anything regarding sympathy for the man, but then again he’d always summed his irritability up to stubbornness beyond the usual Viking levels.
“And that wasn’t the end of it.” Stoick’s tone caused Hiccup to brace himself. “Mildew somehow got it into his head that we let them die intentionally because no one liked them.”
“Well, no one did like them,” Gobber jumped in with a conciliatory tone. “But no one hated them that much,” he added when Stoick glared at him.
“Everyone kind of understood that it was mostly the grief talking, and things kind of died down after a while.” Stoick stroked his beard. “And eventually he ended up taking another wife.”
“And that’s when a dragon came to his farm and burnt it to a crisp.” Gobber shook his head. “Mildew escaped. Not his wife.”
“And after he got over that, he married another woman. She was from the Northlander Tribe, I believe.” He glanced at Gobber as if to confirm.
Gobber nodded. “Aye. And I bet you can get what happened to her.”
Hiccup’s stomach clenched. “I’m guessing not a peaceful death by old age.”
“After that, he became obsessed with killing dragons.” Stoick stroked his beard, lost in thought.
“Not himself, of course.” Gobber shrugged a single shoulder. “Let’s just say he chose to keep a farm far from the raids for a reason. But he bought dragon parts off those who did kill them. Bones, scales, heads, the lot.”
Toothless made a nervous sound, and Hiccup reached over to scratch him under the ears in an attempt at reassurance. “Don’t worry, bud. No one’s getting your head.”
“He was always advocating for crueler ways of killing them off entirely, not just driving them off our land for good.” Stoick frowned. “In any case, any intention he had of making his peace with them died with his wives and children.”
“But now we can make sure that no one else has to go through that.” Hiccup knew that losing family to dragons hurt; he’d lost his own mother to a dragon when he was a baby, and that had definitely stung after finding out that it was the Red Death’s fault. Still, he couldn’t imagine preferring being at war with dragons to the peace they had now over it.
“I know, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.” Stoick placed a hand on Hiccup’s shoulder, being careful not to knock him over. “However, he’s been bitter since the day he was born, and circumstances only made him worse. When you’re chief, you’ll have to deal with worse than the likes of him.”
Hiccup resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Encouraging pep talk, Dad.”
Stoick shook his head and laughed, and the somber tone the conversation had taken seemed to disperse like that. “Next time, I’ll let it surprise you.” He glanced around the docks and the ship, scanning everything. “Well, it looks to me like we’re just about ready to set out here. You get on the ship and I’ll get the loose ends tied up.” With that, he walked off.
Hiccup turned back to Toothless. “Well, I guess it’s time to say goodbye, bud.”
Toothless warbled in a very unenthusiastic tone.
“I promise I’ll be back, with a whole new bunch of stories to tell you.” A gathering of Viking chiefs was certainly never boring, as Stoick had often been inclined to share. “I’m sure you will too, since the twins are staying behind.”
At that, Toothless snorted and rolled his eyes.
Hiccup couldn’t help but smile at that. “You never know, you might have too much fun watching them get in trouble to even notice I’m gone.”
Toothless snorted and shook his head. He didn’t sound particularly convinced.
“It’s just for a few weeks, I promise.” Hiccup held out an open hand. Toothless stared at it and hesitated, then leaned his head over until his nose met Hiccup’s palm. “Take care while I’m gone.” He let himself give his best friend a crooked, mischievous smile and wagged a finger at him in warning. “And no helping Ruff and Tuff with their pranks, alright?”
Toothless seemed to raise the draconic equivalent of an eyebrow, but nodded. “Yes.”
With that, Hiccup forced himself up the gangplank and looked for a place to sit. It was going to be a long journey.
So this is probably the last chapter I’m posting to Tumblr before the Log Off Protest. While the next chapter will likely be published on AO3 around the same time next week, I won’t crosspost it to Tumblr until the protest is over and I log back in. After that, crossposting should continue as usual. Thank you!
Next –>
#useless reptile writes#httyd#httyd au#httyd fanfiction#a shifting world#finding another way series#hiccup#toothless#night fury#gobber#gobber the belch#stoick#stoick the vast#ruffnut#tuffnut#thorston twins#mildew#death mention cw#murder mention cw#food mention cw#child death mention cw#child murder mention cw
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A New Generation (Pt. 2)
Rating: Teen Fandom: 魔法使いの嫁 | Mahou Tsukai no Yome | The Ancient Magus Bride Relationships: Hatori Chise x Elias Ainsworth Characters: Elias Ainsworth, Hatori Chise, Chise Hatori, Silver Lady, Silkie, Ruth, Titania, Oberon, Shannon, Stella Barklem, Angelica Burley, David Burley, Althea Burley, Lindel | Lindenbaum, Merituuli Trigger Warnings: Pregnancy, Childbirth, Babies, Infants, Depression, Anxiety, Discrimination, Unplanned Pregnancy, Abandonment, References to Abuse, References to Abandonment, References to Child Murder Words: 8551
As Chise's pregnancy progresses, Elias is consumed with worry that his child will be rejected by both fae and humans, as he had been. Chise struggles with the fear that she might abandon or harm her own children, as her parents did.
When Elias returned home from London, he sat down with Chise and had a very long, solemn conversation with her about the pregnancy, and for the first time, they talked about a future that also involved their child. Or children, if Chise was correct in her belief that there were two.
He told her about going to speak with Lindel, Simon, and Angelica and what their advice had been. Like him, Chise found Angelica’s tale the most consoling. Knowing that the artificer had felt similar apprehension about procreating helped Chise feel less isolated.
Calling Angelica and talking to her at length also did much to improve Chise’s disposition, not just about Chise’s ability to parent but also about the pregnancy itself. It didn’t cure her of her worries, but having someone to talk to who knew exactly what she was going through was a great comfort to her.
Finally managing to convince Elias to install a landline in the house had been a pretty recent accomplishment. He fought this "modern indulgence" for quite a long time, but when he finally understood that it meant she didn’t have to walk to town to use the public phone every other day, he was more open to the idea, especially since walking long distances was going to become rather difficult for her as time went on. The noise the device made was annoying, but seeing her smile when she answered it was enough to keep him from being too bothered by the sound.
The change in her mood greatly eased Elias’s mind. Watching Chise spiral into a deep, black pit of terror and depression was difficult for him to bear, especially given there was little he could on his own to improve it. As much as he wanted to help her, he had eventually come to understand that sometimes people could only find solace in others who’d had comparable experiences. This was just not his ken, so it was better left to those suited to the task.
He tried to quash his own fears for her sake, but she knew him too well to let him get away with keeping those thoughts to himself. At night, before they slept, she would talk to him; just talk, not expecting him to respond if he wasn’t in the mood to do so, and it helped him. Hearing the sudden shift in her voice from cold despair to tentative hope had done much to alleviate his woes. She encouraged him to be honest with her about what he felt, but didn’t push him to talk if he didn’t want to. More often than not, though, he would. They would lay bear their worries to each other and try to find the bright side. They were both still afraid, but they were facing that fear together.
And it helped.
Summer was in full swing, and Elias was twice as busy as normal now that Chise was limited as to what she could do. He didn’t grumble about it much; after all, he had done everything himself before she had come along. But they had become a well-coordinated, efficient team over the years and he had come to treasure her reserved, supportive assistance in all things, whether practical or magical. He rather missed working in tandem with her.
Though she was no longer allowed to do any of her normal seasonal chores beyond a little light weeding and watering, she would often sit in the garden with him as he worked and help whenever she could, not content with staying in bed all day like an invalid. Besides, having Chise within Elias’s sight and hearing was good for his heart and mind.
Ruth spent his time keeping a close, watchful eye on her, reporting any physical ills that Chise might keep to herself to Elias. As long as she was at rest, though, they were happy enough.
Late one night, he walked into their bedroom to prepare for sleep and found her naked in front of a mirror, standing to the side, looking down at her belly.
“What are you doing?” He asked curiously.
“Look at my stomach,” She said, her hands gently probing her lower abdomen. “It’s bigger. And it’s hard, too. Feel.”
Elias came close and laid his hand on her stomach. It was indeed hardened, as though she had swallowed a large stone, and there was a swelling between her hips; not big, but definitely noticeable.
And perhaps he imagined it, but he thought he felt a strange swirl of energy embedded there underneath the flesh and muscle, lodged deep in her body. No, two swirls. Perhaps Chise’s instinct was more credible than he first thought.
“Hmm,” He said. “Why is that?”
“Angelica says the uterus thickens and becomes more solid to protect the fetuses,” She said, reaching for a book on her nightstand. “It says so in this, too. Alice sent it to me. I told her about the babies, by the way, but I swore her to secrecy. I haven’t told Stella yet, but she’s busy at university and I didn’t want to bother her during finals.”
Elias bent to peer at the book. “What is it?”
She flipped through the rather large paperback volume. “It’s a book about pregnancy and birth. It’s actually pretty informative. So many things make sense now.”
“May I read it, then?” He asked. “There is much I still need to learn. I have a distinct dearth of knowledge about this particular subject and I feel compelled to rectify that.”
“Sure,” she said, handing it to him. “I’ve read up to the third trimester, so I won’t need it for a little while. I hope it helps.”
In some ways it did, and in others it didn’t. During gestation, he learned, the woman’s body produces excess blood to carry extra oxygen to the baby, which in turn causes the mother’s heart rate to accelerate for the duration of the pregnancy, which in turn causes her core temperature to rise. That explained that part, at least.
But other aspects of pregnancy and childbirth were, to put it mildly, horrifying. Things like nosebleeds, strange cravings, extreme mood swings, increased sex drive, swelling of the extremities, sudden hair growth or hair loss, violent fits of vomiting that lasted for months, soreness almost everywhere, food aversions, heighten sensitivity of smell, touch, and taste… the list of physical oddities was extensive. Bones would often be pushed out of the way and change position to compensate for the growing child, sometimes even fracturing or breaking in the process. And all of this was considered normal.
And those were just minor possible symptoms. The more severe ones were downright ghastly. There was no end of ways that it could go wrong, no end to the possible damage to the mother, no end to the ways the child could be born ill or malformed, and that was just for regular, non-magical children. There was no telling what kind of ailments could befall the child of two mages, especially if both parents were cursed.
And the descriptions of the birthing process itself, including the many, many things that could go awry, was nothing short of nauseating. Several times, he had to shut the book and put it aside for a while, appalled at what he learned. He hated to admit it, but sometimes knowledge for knowledge’s sake wasn’t always a good thing.
Once the first physical changes had begun, time seemed to speed up. Chise’s body changed rapidly, her stomach growing larger every day to carry the new life safely. She seemed especially breakable these days, and Elias couldn’t help being even more protective than he had been before.
For years before he had bought Chise, nothing had changed. Things went on as they always had, and it was as comfortable as it was dull. Then, once he met her, things changed, but it was a slow change. Even though things happened that never had before, it came at a pace he could understand and absorb.
Now, everything was new and happening too fast for him to process, and he was trying his best to keep up. He did not adapt well to change.
One afternoon in late July, while Chise was having her afternoon nap, Elias awoke her with a touch to her cheek.
“I’m sorry to wake you, Little Bird,” He said softly. “But there is a guest downstairs who has come a long way to see you. Are you feeling up to greeting them?”
She smiled. “Sure.”
Downstairs, she saw a tallish, pale man standing in their sitting room in modern clothes, looking around the room curiously. His blonde hair was separated into two bunches and hung over his shoulders. The the pupils of his bright blue eyes were slits, like that of a wild predator.
“Lindel!” Chise exclaimed in surprise.
When he saw her enter the room, a wide smile split his face. “It’s good to see you, my daughter,” He said, his arms open toward her.
She rushed forward to give him a hug. “What are you doing here? The dragons--”
“Can survive me being gone for an hour or two. Besides, Merituuli is to inform me right away if anything should happen while I’m here. I haven’t heard from you in a while and I wanted to check on you.” He held her at arms length and looked at her belly. “You’re coming along rather quickly, aren’t you? I sense very strong life essences brewing in there. Your offspring will be incredibly powerful mages. I can’t wait to meet my grandchildren; you must bring them to the aerie once they’ve been born.”
“More than one?” Chise asked.
“Oh, yes,” Lindel replied. “Two separate, distinct energies, hale and healthy, growing well.”
“Ha,” Chise said quietly. “I knew it.”
“Now,” He took her hand and hooked it around his arm. “Why don’t you give me a tour and tell me all about your preparations for the little ones? I’ve never actually been to Thorn’s home, you know. The ungrateful brat has never so much as extended an invitation.”
Elias sniffed slightly and sat in his chair, picking up a book he must have been reading before Lindel arrived.
“Of course,” She said, turning. Silver was looking in shyly from the kitchen, where Ruth was having a snack. “This is Silver Lady. She’s a neighbor who runs the house and looks after us. She’s been a big help to me.”
Lindel bowed. “A pleasure.”
Maybe it was Chise’s imagination, but she could have sworn Silver blushed.
“Good to see you again, Ruth,” Lindel said pleasantly. “Keeping a sharp eye on our favorite girl, are you?”
“Of course,” Ruth said. “She’s been getting plenty of rest, but she’s not eating as much as I’d prefer.”
Chise sighed heavily. “Elias’s fussing is bad enough, but having a fae nanny breathing down my neck all day is really irritating.”
Lindel laughed softly. “I would imagine so.”
Chise showed him her old room upstairs with Ruth trailing behind, where Silver had surprised her one day by converting it into a nursery. Silver, at least, seemed very excited about the new additions to the family and was going to extraordinary lengths to make sure the house was ready for their arrival.
The brand-new cupboards were stacked with blankets and swaddling and dressing gowns and cloth diapers, all handmade by Silver. There were double changing tables and bassinets, set side by side, and even a rocking chair next to the window. Chise had no idea where all the new furniture had even come from. Silver had used neutral colors to decorate the room: a mix of light and dark browns and soft purples and blues. The walls had been painted with a mural of wildflowers and trees, and the floor was plush grass-green carpet, as though the room was outside in a meadow. It was beautiful. Chise had cried and hugged Silver for quite a while when Silver presented it to her.
Ah, mood swings.
Elias had not been prepared for these emotional outbursts and, quite frankly, neither had Chise. She’d go from really happy to really sad to really annoyed all in the span of a few minutes. It was rather dizzying for the both of them. Ruth tried to warn Elias when they were coming, but he couldn’t always tell, so they were often blindsided by a sudden explosion of emotion that even Chise didn’t always understand. He supposed there was some comfort to be found in the fact that she was just as confused as he was.
Chise showed Lindel Elias’s study, and her workroom beyond where she practiced her spellcraft, and then decided to take a break in the garden. Lindel sat with Chise, talking animatedly about the baby dragons and happily eating Silver’s sandwiches and cakes. It was probably a nice change from stew. He even coaxed a song from Chise, one he had taught her in Icelandic about a hungry raven that slept beneath rock rifts. She had missed singing with him.
The sound of their voices raised in song brought Elias out to join them. He hadn’t heard her sing in some time and was pleased to hear it. She only sang when she was in a good mood. The resonance of their voices made the trees stand straighter, the flowers bloom brighter, and the sunlight shine gently upon them without being overpowering. When Lindel and Chise worked together, everything they touched was magic. Elias couldn’t help but be a little jealous of that.
The visit was a splendid one that did much to brighten Chise’s spirit. Before long, Lindel felt the aerie calling his heart home and left Chise with a hug and well-wishes. He even shook Elias’s hand.
Lindel snapped and sparked and was gone in a flurry of snow and cinders. Chise was sorry to see him go. She really felt as though Lindel was a surrogate father. When he called her his daughter, there had been weight to it. He genuinely meant it.
Chise made to go inside, but Elias took her by the hand to stop her, looking off into the woods.
“I believe we may have further visitors,” He said, taking his veil and flinging it over his face. He pointed to the treeline.
There, almost invisible under the dappled sunlight filtering through the trees, stood a fae woman of indescribable beauty. Her black hair trailed behind her and brushed the ground as she walked, and her skin was as smooth as the petals of a lily. Her eyes, the colors of which shifted as though iridescent, were locked on Chise from where she stood motionless in the shadow. How long she had been there, no one could say, but her attention was on Chise and nothing else.
“Lady Titania,” Chise breathed.
As though summoned, Titania stepped out of the shelter of trees and began to walk toward them. Spriggan stepped out of her shadow, the gold rings adorning his staff jingling as he walked. He looked as surly as ever.
“My dear, sweet robin,” Titania said, holding her arms out to Chise and she stepped forward. “Oh! Isn’t it so wonderful!”
“I assume the little folk have informed you of Chise’s condition,” Elias said.
“Oh,yes, my child. I can’t tell you how pleased I am! Oberon is beside himself.” She glanced back to the forest’s edge. Chise and Elias followed her gaze to see Oberon running to and fro, giggling like a child and throwing flowers into the air. Chise laughed softly and shook her head.
Titania returned her attention to Chise and touched her hand to Chise’s belly. “Look how far along you are! I must say, though, I am terribly put out that you hid it from us for so long.”
“I’m sorry,” Chise said. “I… it’s been… difficult.”
Titania took her face in her hands. “Poor child,” She said. “Do not despair. This is a blessing. What a wondrous gift it is to be mortal. The fae do not breed well with each other and as such, our children are rare. That’s why there are so many old tales among mortals about halflings, though such things are far less likely in this millenia.” Her gaze brushed across Elias’s tall form briefly. “I suppose it’s how your race proliferates so effectively. You’re like rabbits, in that way.” She giggled.
“Oh, what a wonderful turn of fate!” Oberon crooned gleefully, skipping around the group of them. “I can’t wait to see the new little mages. Is there any chance at all they’ll be blonde? Oh, nevermind, they’ll be adorable either way!”
“Titania,” Elias started, ignoring Oberon as he pranced around them, laying a flower crown on Chise’s head. “You have the gift of foresight. Can you…” He paused, clutching the fabric of his shirt over his chest, as though in pain. “Is there any way to tell… that is to say…” He stumbled to a stop.
“Elias,” Titania said kindly. “Ask your question plainly, and I shall answer as best as I can.”
Elias sighed. “The children… our children… will they be… like me? Half-creatures, hated and shunned for the sin of merely being alive in a world where they do not belong?”
Chise’s heart bled for him. It must have quite a blow to his pride to ask that question. She knew he’d never admit it to anyone, not even her, but the constant reminder that he was neither one or the other was something that caused him perpetual grief. The idea that he was terrified his own children would share this fate made Chise’s heart ache. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it consolingly.
“Oh, Thorn,” Titania said sadly. “I see branches; roads that split and diverge like serpents in the sea of potentiality. I see many possibilities, though some are more likely than others. I cannot give you a solid answer because the paths are still many and multiplying. I cannot tell you for certain what will be.” She laid a hand on his chest and smiled. “But would you like to know what I feel?”
He nodded, apprehensive.
“I feel love and joy,” She said. “I hear laughter echoing within the walls of this dwelling. Your children will have fragments of their father residing in them, as all children do, but they will have the protection and favor of all who love them. And there will be many who love them. They are blessed by the Queen of the Fae herself, and my blessing is no paltry trinket.”
“Titania, I…” Elias said, unable to continue.
Oberon slid over to his wife and winked at her, a wide smile on his face. He then turned to Elias.
“Do not fret, thorn child,” He said. “However tainted your lineage may be, you are still one of us, and your bride is beloved by our kind. Your children, then, will be doubly revered by all fae. You have no cause to worry.”
“Thank you. That is… very comforting,” He replied, though his tone said to Chise that he was still rather troubled.
Chise endured another few minutes of Titania and Oberon’s doting before they decided to depart. She felt rather relieved when they left. They could be a lot to handle all at once.
That night, lying in bed with Elias, the question he had asked the Faerie Queen revolved over and over in her mind.
“Elias?” She asked softly, trying not to wake Ruth. “Are you still awake?”
She couldn’t see his pupils, but he did answer. “Yes.”
She lay her hand on the back of his neck and stroked it. “Are you really worried about how the children will turn out?”
Elias sighed. “It does not matter to me what they will look like,” He said somberly. “But it will matter to humans. Experience has taught me well that mankind does not adapt quickly to things that are strange or unusual.” He turned his head to look at her. “The fae will not care about their appearance, either, but they will see them as my children, spawn of the halfling failure. That alone may be enough to draw the ire of the fae against them, despite what Titania and Oberon said. Those two have never failed in their kindness to me, but it is borne out of pity, not respect, and the rest of the fae are not so magnanimous. Some are indifferent to me, but most, like the Spriggan, are openly hostile. I do not wish for my children to suffer because of who their father is.”
“Oh, Elias,” Chise said, holding him close. “I wish I could--Oh!” Chise sat up abruptly, pulling the covers down and placing both hands on her belly.
“What?” He asked in alarm, turning to sit up. “What is it? Are you alright?”
“I felt them.”
“You did?” He asked.
“Yes,” She said, moving her hands around gingerly. “I felt a thumping on the inside. I felt some flutters before, but I was never sure what they were. That was definitely a kick.”
“Are you sure?” He asked, looking at her abdomen.
In response, she took his hand and laid it down on her stomach, instructing him to wait. He did so, and it took nearly five minutes, but there was a distinct nudge against his hand.
Chise looked up and smiled at him, but his heart was in his throat. He couldn’t decide if he was excited or panicked. Talking about the baby, seeing her belly expand, making preparations: for some reason, none of that made it feel real. But this did. Feeling the tiny movements of the child on his own skin from the inside of her body was what made it reality to him.
“We should call on Shannon tomorrow,” Chise said. “I’m twenty weeks. It’s about time for a check-up.”
“Y-yes,” He said vaguely. “Of course.”
She took his face in her hands. “Are you all right?”
“I do not know,” He answered honestly. “I am… frightened.”
“I know,” She said. She laid her forehead on his.
They stayed that way for many minutes, their foreheads touching, his hand on her belly, feeling the little jumps and thumps of his children moving about inside. Frightened was not an adequate word for what he felt. He didn’t know if there was a word strong enough.
Time seemed to move very fast for a while, and then suddenly slowed to a snail’s pace. Before they knew it, it was winter. Chise had grown very large, and Shannon expected the babies to come a few days after the new year.
Chise kept to the house exclusively now, since moving was more difficult, not to mention that Elias was highly paranoid about her catching an illness in her condition. She spent much of the time nesting, which is an instinctual habit among mothers-to-be to make sure everything was in its proper place and perfect. Silver had taken care of most of that for her, but it didn’t stop Chise from folding and refolding all of the babies’ linens and making sure things were just so.
As the time for the birth came closer, the atmosphere of the house grew more and more anxious. Chise was rather sick of being pregnant and was ready to be able to stand without assistance and not eat what felt like half her body weight every day. Ruth was restless and impatient. He could feel the time getting closer just as acutely as Chise did.
If Chise was anxious and Ruth was restless, Elias was downright terrified. He spent a lot of time alone in his study, unable to control this emotion. He didn’t want to worry her more than she already was, but he couldn’t push away the awful feeling of dread.
He had slowly grown accustomed to the idea of the children, but not the possibility that they would take after him. The idea that they could be subjected to cruelty and discrimination for simply being his children made his blood run cold. How could he protect them against that kind of hatred? How could he shield them from the animosity of both humans and fae? He could weather it just fine; he was used to it, and some of it was deserved. He had once been a monster, after all. But they would be innocent and guileless. They didn’t deserve to be treated as he had been.
As much as he tried to hide his worry from Chise, he knew she felt it. He could see it on her face when she looked at him sometimes. It wasn’t pity that she showed him, but empathy. If anyone would understand, it would be her, but this was just one thing he couldn’t talk to her about. She always tried to soothe him and tell him things would be fine, but she had no way of knowing that for certain. Blind optimism just didn’t work for him.
Very late on the night before Christmas eve, a sharp yelp of pain woke Elias from sleep. It had been Ruth: he had bounced out of his bed and shot to Chise’s side, immediately switching to his human form. Chise was sitting curled around her stomach, gasping.
“Chise?” Elias asked.
“I think my water broke,” Chise gasped. “I’ve been having contractions, but they weren’t bad until now. We need Shannon.”
“Shannon! Silver!” Elias called.
A flash shot through the room. Elias turned on the lamp and found Shannon standing next to Chise, trying to pull her to her feet. The silky came through the door in an instant, a tub of hot water and many towels in her hands. It was almost as if she were waiting for the call.
Shannon had Chise sit on a wooden chair with a curved back, urging her to recline with her pelvis tilted out, putting a pillow behind her to support her back. Silver helped Chise out of her underwear and flipped the hem of her nightgown up over her stomach, exposing her entire lower half. Chise didn’t have the wherewithal to be embarrassed about her tender bits out for the entire room to see. The pain was pushing everything else out of her brain.
“Is it supposed to hurt this much?” Ruth gasped, his arms wrapped around his stomach.
“There are two living creatures the size of watermelons attempting to tear their way out of her body, Ruth. Yeah, it’s gonna hurt,” Shannon said dryly.
“Sorry, Ruth,” Chise said, breathing heavily. “I’m trying to block it.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Ruth said. “I don’t really care about me right now.”
“What can I do?” Elias asked anxiously.
“You and Ruth, get on either side. Both of you hold her hand with one of yours and then let her use your other hand to brace her feet on. She’s going to need the leverage when she starts pushing.”
Elias and Ruth, took their positions. Chise had already begun to sweat profusely and was breathing shallowly. Silver stood at her head, stroking her hair gently and ready with a cloth to wipe her brow.
“Deep breaths, Chise,” Shannon said, kneeling on the ground and pushing a gloved hand into Chise’s body to gauge her dilation. “Nine centimeters,” Shannon said, removing her hand. “Not quiet ready yet, but it’s going to be soon.”
Chise could only nod, attempting with little success to take deep breaths as she was instructed. Her head rolled to look at Elias with fear in her eyes.
“It’s too early,” She said in a terrified whisper. “I’m not due for another three weeks.”
“It’s all right,” Elias whispered, knowing he might be lying. “It will be all right.”
Chise had no choice but to wait until her body opened up enough to start pushing, and it took a few long, miserable hours of pain and sweating. By the time Shannon got into position, it was only an hour before dawn.
“Okay,” Shannon said. “Elias, Ruth, take one foot each and push it toward her chest, but not forcefully. Chise, take several deep breaths. When I say, take a very deep breath, hold it, and start pushing. When I count to ten, you can let go and breath again. Understand?”
Chise nodded, already very tired from the waves of pain she had been suffering over the past few hours. She steeled herself and began to take slow, deep breaths.
“Ready? Okay, deep, deep breath and push!”
Chise pulled in as much air as her lungs could take and held it, bracing her legs against Ruth and Elias’s grip, and pushed with all her might, her face pulled back in a grimace of pain and exertion.
“One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten, and breathe,” Shannon instructed. Chise blew out her breath explosively and gulped in air.
“Okay, again. Deep breath, and push!”
It went on like this for quite a time. They only paused the pushing for Chise to drink water and for Silver to wipe the sweat from her face and neck. Elias talked in Chise’s ear during these brief moments of rest, telling her that she was strong and that he had faith in her. She seemed so tired, but she smiled at him and dotted a kiss on his nose in reply.
Finally, as the first rays of sunlight shone through the window, Shannon pulled a small, reddish-purple infant from Chise’s body. It shrieked as it took it’s first breaths of life, it’s color changing as it took in oxygen. Shannon placed the sticky ball of outrage on Chise’s chest for a moment, allowing the new mother to inspect the little creature for herself while Shannon detached the umbilical cord.
“It’s a baby girl,” Shannon said, smiling.
Chise let go of Ruth and Elias and wrapped her fingers around the tiny thing as it screamed it’s fury at them all. Chise was crying, too, but not in anger. Her face, red and sweaty though it was, lit with joy as she held her newborn daughter.
Suddenly, she seized up with a sudden contraction and hissed with pain. The baby was whisked out of her arms by Silver, who took it to a nearby dressing table to clean it.
“We’re halfway there,” Shannon said. “Let’s get ready. On the next contraction, we start the pushing again.”
Chise nodded, letting Ruth and Elias take hold of her feet and push them back.
Once the first baby was out, the second wasn’t far behind. It wailed more loudly than it’s twin, thrashing about angrily on Chise’s chest, though Chise clearly didn’t seem to mind.
“It’s another little girl,” Shannon said with a grin.
Tears poured from Chise’s eyes as she held her daughter, gasping from the effort of pushing. The touch of her mother’s hands had calmed the baby and she was no longer writhing spastically, but wiggling and making little grunting sounds, lying on her belly in Chise’s grasp.
After a moment, this child, too, was taken away for cleaning. Then there was more work to be done. The afterbirth had to be removed from Chise’s body, which caused a small fountain of blood to escape. Elias and Ruth panicked, but Shannon said this could happen sometimes and it wasn’t serious as long as it was contained quickly. She gave Chise a tea that would help stop the bleeding and once she had finished it, Silver lifted Chise as if she weighed nothing and took her to the bathroom for a proper cleaning. Shannon followed, leaving Ruth and Elias alone with the newborns, lying side by side and safely bundled up in the crib near Chise’s side of the bed.
While she was gone, Ruth went to inspect the babies up close. “Elias,” He called to the mage, who was still sitting in a daze. “Come and see.”
Elias stood with his heart pounding in his chest and walked to stand by Ruth, looking down at his brand new daughters with a lump in his throat. Now that they were cleaned, he could see them better. They were still wiggly and wrinkly, but there were distinct differences between the twins. One had a full head of white-blonde hair and a peachy-pink complexion, while the other had fine red fuzz on her head and was as pale as bleached bone.
“I remember the day that Isabelle was born,” Ruth said solemnly, lost in his memory. “I had only been with the family for a few months and I didn’t quite understand what was happening at the time. I didn’t know what a baby was. She was so tiny and weird-looking, but I loved her right away. We were together all the time after that. I existed for her; I’d have done anything for her.”
He stared down at the two sleeping infants, his eyes dark with recollection. “I took it for granted, thinking she’d always be there. I didn’t see the dangers until it was too late. I should have done more to protect her. If I had been a better brother, she might have lived a long, happy life. I didn’t do enough, and she died.” He reached out but stopped just short of touching the one with red hair. “For them, I’ll do better. I’ll be better. I promise.”
Elias did not respond. He stared down at his sleeping girls rather blankly.
Yes, He thought to himself. I, too, must be better.
Silver and Shannon returned with Chise, clean, wearing a fresh nightgown, and remarkably able to walk unassisted. Elias helped ease her back into the freshly changed bed, then Shannon handed Chise the white-haired baby girl. Shannon insisted that Chise try to breastfeed the baby, as it would help promote clotting. Silver went to work cleaning the gory aftermath off of the floor. Ruth, as a grim, sniffed each child keenly with his tail wagging.
It took a few tries and some urging to get the baby to latch to her breast; apparently babies weren’t born knowing how to do this and had to be taught, but once she found her way, she seemed to be content and fell asleep while feeding, her tiny arm resting on Chise’s skin. Elias watched curiously.
“You probably won’t be able to produce enough milk to fill both babies at the same time, so you might want to supplement with formula. You may even decide to go formula exclusively, which is fine. As long as they get the enzymes from your breastmilk at the start, it’ll be a big boost to their immune systems.”
Chise nodded without looking up, absorbed in the tiny little girl at her breast with it’s little fist around Chise’s finger. She seemed to finish quickly, and Chise lifted the baby for Elias to hold.
“Chise…” He said nervously. “I don’t… I can’t… I don’t think…”
“It’s okay, Elias,” Chise said with a smile. “You’re going to have to hold them at some point. Might as well be now.”
“Just remember to support the head,” Shannon said. “The neck muscles are underdeveloped.”
“Here,” She sat up and, holding the baby in one arm, used her hand to make a cradle of his. “Like this.”
Exercising more care than he ever had in his entire existence, he took the tiny bundle into his arms, cradling it gently. He could feel the warmth of it’s little body through the blankets, as though he were holding a glowing coal. He lifted her up so he could inspect her more closely. As he did so, she opened her eyes for the first time and looked up at him. Her eyes were the color of evergreens, like her mother. But unlike her, the pupils were not round but slits, like that of a wild creature. The eyes of a fae. The eyes of a mage.
“Chise, look,” Elias said, bending to show her. Chise, who had taken the red-haired babe and was feeding her from the other breast, peered at the child Elias held and smiled. Her smile faded and her eyes narrowed curiously.
“What is it?” Elias asked.
“Look at her head, a little bit above the hairline. There’s a bump. No, there’s two, one on either side. Do you see them?”
Elias brought the baby close to his face, examining her closely. There was, indeed, some sort of bump there. Carefully readjusting his grip, he felt the bumps with his finger. They felt like… bone? No, not bone…
“Horns,” Elias said softly. “She has horns.”
Chise laughed softly, her eyes warm with affection. “You certainly can’t deny she’s yours, can you?”
He looked down at her, a new warmth spreading though his chest. “No…” He said. “I cannot.”
“Have you decided on names?” Shannon asked, sitting on the other side, monitoring the mother and her little ones closely.
Elias was taken aback. It wasn’t something he had even thought about. He’d been so preoccupied with his doubts and fears that he hadn’t room to think of anything else.
“It is Christmas Eve,” Chise said, looking out of the snow covered windows. She looked at the little redhead, sleeping peacefully in her arms. “Her hair reminds me of holly berries, so why don’t we call her Holly?” She smiled and gazed at the white-haired child Elias clutched to him. “And with her green eyes, she should be named Ivy.”
Elias sat down on the edge of the bed next to her, bending to nuzzle her head.
“Yes,” He said fondly. “It’s perfect.”
After both parents had a turn holding both of their infant girls, they gave Silver and Ruth a chance. Ruth was anxious and attentive, fearful of being clumsy or accidentally jostling his new nieces and upsetting them, but Silver seemed overjoyed to hold the tiny babes, smiling brightly and giggling at their noises. A better nanny than Silver Lady could not be found anywhere, either in the mortal realm or the kingdom of the fae. Chise had a feeling she was going to be relying heavily on her for the next few months.
While holding Holly, Silver made a small noise of surprise.
“Silver?” Chise said. “What is it?”
Silver brought the baby to the bed and knelt down between Elias and Chise, where the parents could see the newborn’s eyes. The irises were solid black and didn’t reflect light, instead seeming to consume it. The pupils, however, were red. Not the bright holly red of her hair, but a dark crimson red, like blood on snow, and they too were mere slits.
“Oh,” Chise breathed. “Look at that. Aren’t they beautiful?”
Elias, seeing the trace his own eyes looking back at him from his daughter’s face, was at a loss for words.
His children were mostly human, it seemed, but they retained a piece of him, a fragment of his fae blood, just as Titania said. Before, this thought made him worry about their future, but seeing them now, he felt… what was this? It was a good feeling, but it carried weight with it. Pride? Was that it? Did he feel proud? Perhaps so.
After a while, Shannon insists that everyone leave the room to the new parents and their children, and Elias settled himself in a chair beside the bed, with Chise on his left side and the crib on the right. All three of his girls were sleeping peacefully. Ivy seemed content in being wrapped up in her swaddling, but Holly had kicked her way out of the blankets so that she could move freely.
He watched them sleep with mixed emotions, laying his hands on the stomachs of the babes, comforted by their warmth. As if waiting for this, they both reached out and gripped his fingers in their fists and held on with a surprisingly strong grip.
The world could have been falling down around them, but as long as they were safe and happy, it wouldn’t have bothered him. He found he didn’t care all that much at the moment about the concerns that had plagued him before the birth, though he knew they would come back eventually. He felt warm and calm, with none of the anxiety that had been gnawing at his mind for months. Was this feeling happiness? Peace?
He could identify at least one emotion well enough: love. It was different than what he felt for Chise, but no less consuming. Chains of gold and silver had wrapped themselves around his heart. They sprung from the touch of his tiny daughters’ small hands on his own, an unbreakable link that bound him to his newly-born flesh and blood. Instinct drove this behavior, and it was obvious what it meant. They had laid claim to him.
They do not belong to me, he realized. I belong to them. How fascinating.
He had lived for centuries never having tethered himself to any other being. Back then, loneliness and being alone were mutually exclusive concepts. He’d had friendships and acquaintances but felt no obligation to any of them beyond an occasional favor or trade. At the time, he had thought himself content.
When he had acquired Chise on a whim out of mere curiosity, he had not anticipated how his life would change. The connection that developed between them, as slow as it was to manifest openly, was unlike anything he’d felt before. It brought with it many good feelings, as well as many unpleasant ones. Chise’s love was easy enough to earn, but he soon discovered that while love could be unconditional, trust was not. He hadn’t known there was a difference between those emotions until he had betrayed them.
For a while after, their bond was fragile and could snap with any slight pressure he applied to it. It had taken much time and effort on his part to repair the damage he had done, and he had sworn never to do anything that could sever that link again.
But the bond he felt to these two new lives was instantaneous and indestructible, something over which he had no control. He was, for lack of a better term, spellbound.
“I don’t understand.”
Elias jumped slightly at Chise’s soft whisper. He looked over to see that she was awake and staring are her children.
“What is it you do not understand, Little Bird?” Elias replied quietly.
“I thought,” She said. “I thought when they were born, it would make more sense, but it doesn’t. I thought it would help me understand why they did it.”
“Your parents,” He said. It wasn’t a question.
“I thought that once I was a parent myself, I could see it from their perspective, and I’d understand. But I don’t. I would never, ever leave them. I could never hurt them. Never.” She looked at Elias and took his hand. “What they did still makes no sense to me. I guess you were right, Elias. I am different.”
“Yes,” He said, holding her hand to his cheek. “Do not be sad, Chise. That is a wonderful thing.”
She smiled, and her gaze returned to the infants. “You’re right. It is.”
During the first two months, which Chise and Elias used to get accustomed to the new routine of parenthood, the twins developed personalities that were as different as their appearance. Holly was an independent little thing and didn’t like to be swaddled or held for too long, while Ivy loved to be cuddled and preferred to be held by Elias over anyone else. He was more than happy to hold her at all times and soon became deft at doing things one-handed.
After this necessary adjustment time, they decided to have a small gathering of friends over to properly introduce their children. They had invited Stella, the Barley family, Alice, a few friends from the college including the brooding Adolf and enthusiastic Tori, and even Renfred. Over the years, Elias and Renfred had forged a tense acquaintanceship. Chise encouraged them to be better friends, but in the end, she figured anything was better than open hostility.
They had invited Lindel, too, but he didn’t want to leave the aerie again. He insisted they bring them to him instead, which they promised to do when the children were a few months older.
“Aren’t they darling?” Angelica said, looking at Holly sleeping in sixteen-year-old Althea’s arms.
“They really are,” Stella said, now nineteen, as she tickling Ivy’s feet while David held her. The baby cooed at Stella as she did so.
“Ya did good, Chise,” Alice said. “You cooked up some real nice babies in there.” She poked Chise’s stomach, which was now much smaller and thankfully no longer sore.
“That’s a weird phrase, Alice, thank you,” Chise said.
Renfred had been mostly quiet during the gathering. Alice had told Chise that babies make him nervous; he liked kids better when they were old enough to follow orders.
Elias was similarly uncomfortable with so many people in his house at once, and eventually, it drove him outside to the garden. Cold though it was, he sat at the garden table with his tea and sighed.
“Are they not lovely?” A voice said to him from his right. He turned to see a small, child-like figure standing there nearby. She wore a simple white gown made of thin silk and a crown of baby’s breath around her head. A circle of snow underneath her feet had melted away and flowers had sprung up all around her. Her hair was black, her skin like petals, her eyes like the wings of a dragonfly.
“Titania,” Elias said, standing. “You’ve come alone.”
“I have, though I shan’t be long,” She said, her voice belying her youthful appearance. “I bring with me gifts for your little ones.”
“Gifts?”
“Yes. The heartache you expressed when last we met has stayed with me. I felt compelled to do something to set your mind at ease.” She opened her hands, and lying in each palm was a ring carved of dark wood, one on a gold string, the other on a silver one. “I told you your offspring held my favor, did I not?” She asked. “That was not a lie. You need not worry for their safety from our kind. These will tell all fae creatures that your babes are my godchildren and therefore under my protection.”
Elias did not recall agreeing to such an arrangement, but accepted the rings with a bow.
“Thank you, my Lady,” He said. “This is most generous.”
“You must bring them to visit us, Thorn,” Titania said. “It’s been so long since there were children in the Faerie Kingdom. Oberon is dying to meet the new magelings.”
Elias nodded without speaking, not committing to this. He wondered if her favor extended to not trapping them in the faerie realm.
“Be well, Elias. Take care of our sweet robin and those beautiful children. Dwell no longer on the darkness in your past and look instead to your future. Your legacy now resides in those new souls that you created, and not the mistakes you have made. You have been given a divine gift. Do not take it for granted.”
“I assure you, Lady,” He said seriously. “I have no intention of doing so.”
She smiled at him, and the body she inhabited burst apart into flowers and floated away like the seeds of a dandelion, carried away on a sudden wind that smelled strangely of spring grass.
Elias lifted his gaze to watch the petals drift away, putting the charms in his pocket.
Once everyone had gone home and the house was quiet again, Elias picked up a wailing Ivy, who quieted immediately, and sat with Ruth and Chise as Silver laid out their dinner. Chise fed Holly with one arm and fed herself with the other. Once Holly finished, Chise passed her to Ruth to be burped and held out her arms for Ivy, who Elias passed carefully over the dinner table. Silver waited at Ruth’s elbow with a spit-up cloth. They all seemed to be easing into this new normal well.
Elias and Chise took the children to their room and laid them down for sleep, with Ruth curled up on the floor between them. He was better than a baby monitor. Ruth was taking his oath to Elias to protect the children very seriously and was just as involved in their care as every other person in the house. It seemed there was no shortage of babysitters to be found for the new parents, and Chise found that comforting. The nightmare she’d once had of being overwhelmed with caring for two children at once with limited help faded from her mind.
With the children abed for a least a couple of hours, Elias and Chise took this time to spend with each other, something they hadn’t had much opportunity to do since the birth. They sat together on the couch of the sitting room, Chise in Elias’s lap and wrapped up warmly in his arms. She was so tired, she could have fallen asleep if she let herself.
“I’m sorry the party got too claustrophobic for you,” Chise said, twining and untwining her fingers with his.
“It’s all right,” Elias said. “I am actually glad for it. I’d much prefer that the girls were introduced to all our friends at once rather than make many trips to achieve the same result.” Reaching into his waistcoat’s pocket, he pulled out the ring pendants he had gotten. “Besides, while outside, Titania left a give with me.”
Chise took the trinkets and looked at them curiously. “That was nice of her. What are they for?”
“Protection, she said. It’ll ward off any of her kind that would do them mischief.”
Chise smiled. “She’s very thoughtful for a fae.”
“Yes,” Elias agreed. “I wonder if she will extend the same blessing to any additional children we may have.”
Chise swung and looked up in surprise. “You want more children?”
“It's not outside the realm of possibility. We can talk about it later,” Elias replied.
“You're serious. You really want another baby?”
“I merely said we’d talk about it.”
“That’s not a no.”
Elias laughed.
“Give me a year, at least,” Chise said in exasperation. “My body isn’t ready for another one so soon.”
“If you wish,” He said, hugging her tightly.
They sat happily in each other’s arms for the next hour, taking a well deserved rest, until one of the babies began to cry. Elias released her and followed her up the stairs to the childrens' room, where he consoled Holly as Ivy fed. When Ivy was done, they switched. After feeding, the infants resumed sleeping. Before they left, Elias affixed the charms to the wall above their bassinets, the silver one over Ivy, and the gold protecting Holly. The parents, exhausted, climbed into their own bed and fell asleep at once.
Every day brought something new, and Elias was learning so much so quickly. His entire universe had shifted, and thought it had taken time to get used to it, he greeted each wonderful development as they happened with an open heart. He awoke eagerly every morning in his new life, looking forward to what might be.
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The Exophilia Creator’s Masterlist
#Mahoutsukai No Yome#Mahoutsukai No Yome Fanfic#Mahou Tsukai No Yome#Mahou Tsukai No Yome Fanfic#The Ancient Magus Bride#The Ancient Magus' Bride#Ancient Magus Bride#Ancient Magus' Bride#Ancient Magus Bride Fanfic#Elias Ainsworth#Chise Hatori#Hatori Chise#Elias x Chise#Chise x Elias#Ruth (Mahou Tsukai No Yome)#Silver Lady#Silkie (Mahou Tsukai No Yome)#Shannon (Mahou Tsukai No Yome)#Original Characters#Pregnancy#Birth#Children#Infants#Babies#My Writing#My Fanfic#My Fanfiction#exophilia
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Day 0-2
This isn't my life. This isn't happening to me. This isn't real.
I keep telling myself that and it isn't helping anything. That's how you know this story is real and true. I'm not here anymore, I'm a witness to everything that's happening and now that I'm here, now that I'm watching, I'm impartial and patient. And I know the blame is mine.
I didn't know it but September 3rd, 2018 is the day life as I knew it ended.
I had been crushing hard on this guy that I worked with and after a year and a half of being in his sphere I didn't know how to let go. He came over that labor day and was mad about some girl he's not even dating anymore, and left me high and dry when she told him to come over.
I was hurt. I was alone. I felt lonely and like I had wasted my time. It wouldn't be the last time either.
I wanted to feel wanted. Like someone could see me for real or something. I knew I couldn't have it so sex was the next best thing.
I invited this other guy over I had been talking to online off and on for a while and picked him up. As soon as he got in my car I knew that he wasn't someone I could see anything long term with, but I had spent so long being used maybe I wanted to use someone. Idk. I was just hurt. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted a story to tell. I didn't expect anything to happen it seldom did for me, I just liked meeting people.
He came over and we drank, and one thing led to another. I asked him if he had gotten tested multiple times, and when it came to it and said I didn't have a condom he said I had nothing to worry about. I didn't know why I believed him. I wanted to believe somebody...I didn't know why it wasn't myself. We slept together, no one came, we slept and the next morning I drove him away.
For the next three months, I found myself a little bit. Things got really bad and weird between me and my friend and then got better again, and I felt my energy. It was potent. I felt free finally like I could do anything. I went to clubs by myself and truly felt myself, I made mistakes, got broke having fun, my kind of fun, for the first time in a long time.
On December 9th I went to the doctor because I had strep months back after I hooked up with said guy and some of my symptoms hadn't gone away. I even messaged him then because I'm paranoid as hell about STDs. An innocent visit, I had no vision of what was to come.
That day I tested positive for HIV.
I cried and cried and cried in the arms of strangers. They took me from room to room after I made them test me twice and every person had a message of hope that left me abjectly ruined. They told me to come back in 10 days for the confirmatory test and I promptly went home and destroyed my room. The only thing I have power over. I told my roommate who hugged me fiercely and told me not to worry.
Like most people, I bargained. I bargained with my body that it was a false positive, I bargained with God and angels to help me. But the blood was already spilled. I spent months banishing beforehand, and it was like all of the energy came to fulfillment. I was now free from every problem I thought I had.
For the next ten days I drank feverently, sat in a depression, called my grandmother, and contemplated suicide.
The day before the confirmatory, I found the guy I slept with. I searched for him aggressively and found him when someone online told me what his name was. I was so ashamed I didn't remember. I was one of those people and I had never been in my life. I never hookup with anyone like that. He wasnt the first, just the first where I threw all caution to the wind. I rolled the dice. I Invited him over to hangout to innocently inspect him and see if there was hope for me, any kind of hope. Alas, none. He was completely ignorant of what he had given me for life. It didn't even seem like he was interested in me at all either. It was all a waste.
The next morning, the morning of, I slept past my appointment and drove him to the office I had my test done. He said he had somewhere to be, so I drove him home instead. I then drove slowly to the office. It was only 30 minutes later that the nurse, the same nurse I cried to 10 days before, told me as my breath was fixed in my chest and my eyes stoic and pointing, told me the confirmation, well, confirmed it.
HIV-1.
She was nice enough. She tried to calm my fears. It's a different time. This isn't the end. It's only a pill a day for the rest of my life to be normal again. It could be worse and she gave numerous examples.
It couldn't fix anything though. Even when my health is at 100 again my mind is diseased. Now I have a dark secret to keep. I will never be a hero, I'll be a sad story. If my body isn't sick, my mind will be sick with the story that's now written on my body and heart. One pill a day will remind me of the broken person I was on September 3rd.
I keep wishing I could go back and tell myself to chill tf out because there are things way worse. I keep wishing I could slap myself for not protecting myself more, there's always been a condom in the mix. Who expected the one time I didn't would be the time it mattered the most?
I called him directly after and told him he was a son of a bitch. That he had given me a lifelong burden. That he ruined my life because he lied. He retorted that I was wrong and I was crazy. He's the only person in two years almost that I had sex with. All other encounters were with my crush who never went anywhere when we hung out and we never went all the way. He said I was fufu and to stop hitting him up. Now he's out there hopefully not giving other people poison. It's scary that he didn't believe me.
That night, last night, I read my tarot for the first time in years. It had a message of hope, saying there's love in my future. A grand vision. Choices to be made.
Goddamn if I'm not more afraid, scared, more mad than I've ever been. There's energy pouting out of me from every direction but it feels stale and forced. I had a message of hope for my loved ones. That this was day one and I had 50 years to go. That I was going to be okay. That I would use this and do something good, make a difference in the world because now I have no choice but to dedicate myself to something more than myself.
Today is Day 2 and I'm a walking ghost. I tried to call out of work this morning because I felt the creeping hands of sadness push me further into my pillow. I thought about suicide again. My manager called me and told me I couldn't call out - they needed me. Those words gave me such a weird feeling I rolled out of bed and got ready for work. I'm on break now, and I'm emptied of all feeling. I can't fake it this time. I can't make the anger disappear. I can't turn back time. I can't do anything but wait for my appointment.
I've always been different. I've always felt sort of alone. I've always had the best friends I could ask for but I didn't realize it because I just wanted what they had. Someone to have. A person of my own to share myself with.
Now I'm a full embodiment of the stereotype. I'm gay, 23, black, feminine as allowed by my pride, and positive. And a hundred other things. There's this life-changing problem and I know I have a million more to go.
I'm about to go back into work and God help me if I don't feel like I have a red dot on my head. Or a poison bar floating above me or something. How am I going to do this?
I have two choices now, and it's ironic because it's the choice I've always had but now it's more real or enduring than I've ever experienced. Love myself or Perish. Perishing is such a real possibility. Loving myself is hard to do when you feel like you've already made the worst mistake you could have made already.
I have another appointment with the health center a week from today and I'm writhing. I now have another part-time job, keeping myself alive and healthy. This is day 2.
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27/3/21
HIIIIIIIIII, i’ve only blinked and its already MARCH. this time last year, what was i doing? i think i’ve already went for this current job interview and then a while later, the lockdown was announced~ but wow, time really flies huh. *cues the angmoh man blinking gif*
for the most part, i really want to write down the feelings i’ve been feeling (melancholy and loneliness) for the past few days and how i’ve sorted them out internally AND how i just want the future nabilah to just READ this and REMIND HERSELF that everything will be okay. it will be okay you dramatic, overreacting bitch! it will be okay. haha okay lets starteu~
#/melancholy
i’ve been feeling downcast the past few days. i dont even know where to begin. melancholy as well as feelings of sadness and depression have always been a part of me since 2017 im not gonna lie but lately, these episodes got a little bad despite me trying to keep myself occupied hahah. for the most part, i am just really really afraid of getting older. i really am. its not so much of the “getting older part” which gets to me i guess but its more of how lately, i just want to turn the hands of time and go back to my past when i was 16 in secondary school (heck even primary school) and just live a life where i didnt have to worry about anything except for studying you know? where times were simpler and i was (definitely) happier. i miss wearing a school uniform, i miss only having to worry about my studies, i miss being at home at noon and watching disney channel until i accidentally nap and not understanding trig/physics/chem. oh- what id give to be in my youth again. id do anything. i would study harder and change my whole course of life and hope that i could be someone im proud of. im desperately clinging on to good memories. i terribly miss being young. i really do.
and recently, i feel like im expiring, i feel old (really old) which is funny cos ive only turned 23 BUT the fact will always be that im turning 24 this year (2021) AND its when the bone-crushing realisation of getting old really sinks in (for me). i find myself looking back at my accomplishments (which trust me is little to none) and i just feel like people are accomplishing great things (even at such a young age). there’s nothing in my life where i can truly be proud of. what have you done with your life, nabilah? questions i ask myself everyday. but then again, people would say the past experiences have shaped who i am today and without them, i would’ve been a completely different person WHICH brings me back to the next point. the current me right now who is writing this post is not someone im all that proud of either. i feel like- i feel like im struggling (keyword: struggling) to achieve great things before i turn 30 (and trust me when i say i dont even want to live that long of a life). i’m tired of adulting, of getting old, of having to worry about financial issues, of having to worry about whether i’m at that milestone where everyone expects me to be, of wondering whether im really suited for this field im currently working in. im aware that it may be very shallow of me to think this way considering that there are some people in their 30s who will probably read this, laugh at me and say “you’re still young + you still have a long way + you still have time to figure out your life” but the FACT is THAT im NOT young! i still have a long time to figure out my life? yeah that is if i plan to live way over my 30s (which i DONT). side note, my biggest fear is actually living a long life. so.. like.. what now?
#/loneliness
this is a very touchy topic for me considering that i am planning to devote myself to the single life and dying a virgin because i really dont think (keyword: really, really) there’s a man good enough for me out there. even if there is, he lives only in my imagination. and yes, as embarrassed as i am to admit it, YES i do feel lonely at times. honestly, i really thought that loneliness is something im able to handle really well considering that ive been single.. what? my whole life? LOL HAHAHAH (its true. sucks to be ugly.) but yeahhhh as of late, during times when things get hard at work and i start tearing up in public transport on the way home, when home doesnt feel like home anymore, when the world conspires against me... i look up and wonder @God, “don’t i deserve someone who i can talk to, who loves me for who i am, who doesnt mind the mess i am?” ok that was abit cringey but yeah i used to be ashamed of secretly wanting someone special despite swearing to the single life BUT thats just how it is! and honestly i feel that humans are not psychologically meant to be lonely, that is why we’ll always crave for a partner (even if we dont need one). but all that aside, its not like im going to even try and find one (like i said, there is no one good enough for me out there) and i absolutely detest the idea of getting married and having kids so i will have to suck this lonely feeling up and just live. for the most part, i just wanted to point out how lonely this adult life can be.
side note: its really great that i have a really good support system (my siblings and friends), so yeah.. i’m really grateful for that<3.
things i want the future nabilah to read (now that i have come to terms with these feelings):
phew that was a rollercoaster now wasnt it. now that you’ve typed all that and acknowledged what you feel, i have a few things to say to you.
i just want you to know that you are (as much as you dont want to hear this or dont believe in this), you are doing well (at least the future you reading this wont look back and be embarrassed of who you were). you may not have done well for o’s, may have slacked a bit during poly and uni and regret everything academic wise (and yes personality wise) but always remember that, these things do not define the authentic real you. not getting into a local university and not achieving greater things in life during your youth, these are trifle things that you shouldnt be ashamed of or even beat yourself up about. after all, they dont matter in the afterlife?? so like, stop it. its not like you can go back to the past and change it, you only have control of the present and thats WHAT you have to work on. as tough as it may be, as much as you refuse to get old, the harsh reality is that you have to and you will. you have a degree and you’re getting experience working in the field you have always been curious about and you’re on your way to get a another diploma under your belt. you’re really doing the most if i must say??. and you’re so lucky to be able to love what you studied and do what you like. off track and a side note, i wanted to tell you that i woke up today feeling a tremendous shift in me (and i really honestly think its because of the conversations i had with zim, bff and syiqs the past consecutive days). but i honestly woke up feeling excited at what i have to offer the world. you may not be the prettiest and the smartest but the amount of love you have (and willing to give) in your heart, the feelings of empathy you’re capable of and the change you want to make in lives.. these are things that define you and you can do just that. there are times where you will definitely feel afraid and wonder if you’re doing the right thing but as long as you keep reminding yourself of your morals and values, i think you’re pretty much on the right track.
and i know, i know you hate yourself more than anything else in this world. the face you see in the mirror and the horrible things you feel inside you, your dumb thoughts and all that but i really pray that in the years to come, you’ll grow to be kinder to yourself (and definitely the people around you). be kinder to yourself and have courage to face your flaws and work towards being a better person everyday. be kind to everyone (especially your parents) and just have a little faith that you can go through many hurdles in your life. you cannot do everything but you can do some great things and that is enough. i dont have to remind you that everything here and now in this world is just temporary right? remember the podcast you heard yesterday? true happiness will be in the afterlife, inshaAllah. death will come for you, you just have to be patient and never forget to work towards the afterlife. also dont feel too lonely. ultimately, you know you dont have the mental capacity for things like marriage and having kids and all but dear nabilah, if you get lucky and love comes to you one day through Allah, i hope that you dont close your doors firmly shut to it and embrace it if you may (only run when the guy proposes cos u aint got no time for that). last but not least, please never let go of good memories. cling on to them and let them be attestations of your kindness and love. always be kind and always try to be better for the people around you. i hope you’re smiling as you read this, i hope you’re proud of who you have become and i hope that you continue to always remind yourself of amazing person you are, despite all that you went through.
- 23 year old nabilah (technically 24 this year but hey SUCK IT TIME IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT)
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To answer this question I need to tell you a bit more about the background. You know about those things more or less but I will interlink them with one another and it will be clearer when they are in one place.
I will tell you how my life looked before we happened.
Unstable, no commitments, jumping from one place to another, disappointment with people, constant nonfulfillment, the same companion all the time - me and me only. You know already that I am a seeker, every day, every minute, seeking for satisfaction, for meaning, for something that could fill that void inside me. It was very hard, I was unhappy, always acting as if everything was alright, being there for others and not for myself, changing environments as often as I could to finally find a place where I would feel good and comfortable. Apart from this, highly developed self criticism, constant efforts to improve myself - my interpersonal skills, my education, qualifications, my personality, my appearance. Because I still had this void in me, what is it? Lack of meaningful relationships? Low self-esteem? Lack of self acceptance? I didn’t know, so I worked on everything, always pushing myself over my limits. And constantly distracting myself from this feeling of emptiness and lacking. Either by next job, next bartender or barista training, excel courses, tax advisory courses, work and travel in America, study exchange, crossfit, yoga, japanese, eating, sleeping, going to the cinema alone, listening to the music at full volume. Everything I could find to meet new people, to forget about myself for a minute and to find meaning. I really was miserable, I could be surrounded by people who cared for me and adored me, and I still felt as if I was alone. But because it has been lasting for so long, I learned to deal with it. And here comes my mindset, my habits, everything that I must have given up before deciding you will be my future husband.
Freedom and individualism - those became (subconsciously) my most important values in life. I could go anywhere I wanted, so I was going, I didnt have any relationships, it was great, I didnt have to explain myself and my bizarre ideas to anyone. But because it was quite painful I started creating this vision of myself in my mind - what will I do, where will I work, where will I go during those times of the year which are associated with family and other people. I have experience in spending New Years eve alone (or with my parents, so the same thing) since 2014. In Poland not going to a party on New Year’s Eve means that you are a loser and a social zero. So I was both, invisible and social zero, no one could know about this, it is too shameful, it shows how unattractive I am, so I had to lie about my plans to people who asked me what was I doing. But yeah, I already had experience with New Year’s.
Next, Christmas - right after I move out from Poland I most likely wont go back home for Xmas because why would I? For the past 3 years I have treated every Christmas spent with my family as the last one. So I made peace with it too.
Next, and this is the biggest one, my normal everyday life - I will hire myself in a company or sth, climbing the career ladder, not worrying whether I will have kids or not because I wasnt even sure if I wanted them. How my life would look like? I live alone, go to work in the morning, go back from work in the evening, I go to yoga class or any other place and then I sit at my home and look for more opportunities for myself to grow. Still, no commitments, maybe random sex maybe not (depending on my confidence and relationship with my body), no adjusting to anyone else, changing social circles often (to avoid commitment) or being alone since I am so comfortable with my own company after all of these years. Besides, I cant trust anyone, people want to hurt me or destroy my plans and make me fail. It’s easier to be alone and observe everyone, and silently work on my achievements so no one can see. Do you remember our first fight? About sleeping around? That’s exactly what I (and you) was fighting with, I said “When it comes to me, sex was the only thing left that I couldn’t do without a man”. Exactly. And I wrote even more concerning this “I could imagine myself hitting 30, with my “dream job” making me miserable, with good apartment, surrounded by expensive things which were supposed to make me less lonely, with my eating disorder thriving, and with my vibrator in the drawer next to my bed, definitely overused one.” Similar to what I have written a couple of lines up, right? But that was my future in my mind, I planted this seed and accepted it. This was the way to prevent myself from more disappointment, broken heart and loneliness. I prepared myself in advance for all of them. I knew it was bad for me, but it was the only way I could cope with my hopelessness.
So what did I have to give up when I started a relationship with you? That I could go anywhere I wanted without much planning, that I could be fully flexible with my decisions because there was no other person involved, that I didnt have to know where I will end up in the end because I can always move and find a new place for myself. I had to give up my constant search for meaning and fulfillment. I had to give up my independence. Because if I am in a relationship I cant have secrets, I cant make plans that nobody knows about, I cant just go out without saying anything, I cant make decisions by myself without taking anyone else into consideration. I cant follow my strategy anymore - that no one really knows who I really am, no one knows my stories. I still perceived myself as not ready, not good enough, not having enough to give, because I knew how unstable I am, I knew well my urges to run away from people, I knew that I indeed loved being careless and free. Freedom, I understood and loved it, and I couldn’t give it up. I didn’t have much but I had this total independence, no matter how many mistakes I made, how bad my situation was, I could just turn around, change my living place and create my new identity over and over again. I also used it to stay myself, after giving away myself to others for years, I could go away and recover. I knew the costs were high, but at least I didn’t have to pay the greatest cost - being myself and accept everything that comes with it. I knew it was bad for me, I knew that. But that was living in me, so strongly, those were my reactions and thoughts which I had for years. That mindset was very important to me - not staying anywhere for too long, trying new things, being independent and not having to explain myself to anyone, changing people so they cant develop expectations. I didnt start any romantic relationship to protect myself from exposure and rejection when he finds out how I really am.
When I met you I had to give up all of that thinking, I had to make a mess with my life and destroy the whole system with no guarantee that I wont fuck up this relationship too because my demons will take over.
Now you can see why I behave in a way I behave, why I misbehave and do those unpredictable things. I decided I would give up all of this, but they are still troubling me, they dont want to let go. They are hijacking me from time to time and I have to fight with them. Unfortunately, sometimes I lose the duel, and then hurt you. Examples are: when I run away in September, when I wasn’t replying to you at the beginning of January for the whole day, when I triggered our first fight about sleeping around, female masturbation and vibrators, that’s why I still considered HPV vaccine even though you said we don’t need it, that’s why I dont like sending pictures of me to you, that’s why I say “everything is fine” even if it isnt, that’s why I had this dilemma about Toronto and couldnt see from the very beginning that you are most important to me, that’s why I didnt want to tell you about antidepressants, that’s why I was thinking and thinking again about our relationship and assessing whether I am still an asset to you, that’s why I asked if you would accept me if I leave you now and come back after a couple of years, that’s why I was pushing you away and pulling you closer, that’s why I ask for reassurances when you say you want me or you love me, that’s why I provoke you and actually cross the line, that’s why I make you uncomfortable sometimes with what I say, that’s why I kept you at arm’s length distance sometimes, thats why I believed that no one is irreplaceable and that love is conditional, that’s why I didnt want to go public with our relationship, at least on my side, that’s why at first I was telling you that you will have another wife, because I was afraid I will hurt you and let you down, that’s why I wasn’t so sure if I want to start a relationship with you at first, because I was sure I will ruin you and hurt the person that I love the most on this planet. I was pushing you away not because I wanted freedom, I was pushing you away because I could see how strong these demons and this thinking are inside me. And I was frightened that I would leave you one day in the future when it’s already too late, when you invest too much, when you completely adjust your life to be with me and when it’s too late for you to forget about me and find another girl for yourself. You can see that I had a lot of issues from the very beginning but you didn’t know because I wasn’t communicating them. And now I am communicating them but they are not as strong anymore.
And this void is still present there, I am still self conscious and too shy. When you came you didnt fill these holes in me, you didnt fix what was broken. No. You created new things, you created spheres that I never had, you built your own creations in my mind. And they are all warm, loving and comfortable. And now my mind and my body is colorful, there’s a lot of vibrant colors which you brought but there is also a lot of darkness. All I have to do is to give up on those destructive mechanisms that are old and no longer supportive and focus on the new ones. And I am relieved it is like this, I really am. You know why? Because you have built something sustainable, you are not a guy for one night who will help me forget about myself, you are not amphetamine which could get me high for a couple of hours. And it brings me peace and tranquility, that I am not using you to fill this void only and discard you when you stop “working”. But it will take me some time to unlearn all of the things that I was doing for years. I can clearly see how much I have changed during the past 6 months, from a complete doubt through confusion to a total belief. How I perceived myself unworthy of your love and now I accept it.
It wasn’t a coincidence that I was single. And you know how many opportunities I had to start a relationship, but I never had one because no one was worth it. Worth leaving my principles and plans. Until I met you. And when I am saying that I don’t want to be with anyone else I know what I am saying. I don’t want to be with anyone else.
And this Toronto thing, oh Elias. I never did something like this before, I think it was the biggest sacrifice of my life, because indeed, I did sacrifice my “alternative life”, pleasing others, forgetting about myself and helping them, doing the most unexpected thing without consequences, cutting my current relationships, turning my life upside down. But giving up Canada is a one thing, I won’t even apply, even though I already paid for the application fee, it means that I didn’t leave a second door for myself, I can’t run away in case I change my decision, there’s no way back, and I always, always leave a buffer zone for myself. Not this time, I can’t change my mind next month or in two months. It’s like I gave up my own security, my backup, part of my identity. I have never done more to any other person, never. I gave up my way of living. And it’s all for you.
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