#i was so depressed and miserable but i was actually able to *do* things while i was there. for just a few day i was able to forget

[dirt-str1der]

Yaoi has poisoned all of your fucking brains !!

[caffeinatedopossum]

Remembering the best bittersweet times of my life with people who will probably never be in my life again. crying, screaming, clutching the bathroom sink until my knuckles turn white, etc

[yuribalisms]

Essentially what it is all boiling down to is I have fully realized I am bad at being a person, that will always be true, and I don’t know how to handle that

[drdemonprince]

i read in the comments to my last ask about "ordinary unhappiness" the idea of depression as a lack of agency and i feel like that is true? when i feel miserable and in pain, it's not because something is sad but because something is either unachievable or impossible (or at least there is the perception of it). and like i think that's what you were getting at too? this thing that drives you to keep going, this lack of satisfaction. i simply don't have anything i can give into such that i would ever even feel a lack of satisfaction. i've never had anything to give myself into and feel frustrated and perhaps sometimes successful in but instead i just envy the people who do have those things. nothing i've ever done has felt maintained a sense of emotional connectiveness in that way (positive or negative). i guess to wrap this back around to another potential talking point, i'm curious how you find that in your life? is it weird for me that nothing has ever felt worth putting myself whole ass into? idk, i find it envious you've got both writing and gay hypno fetish stuff you're able to just throw yourself into so wholly and utterly

Passion isn't inherent, it can be a choice too. I only look like I care a ton about writing and gay hypno stuff because I have deliberately chosen to pursue those passions, for many years, and cultivated a deep interest in them, anon.

When I was in my early twenties, I felt completely empty. I was a void. If you've read the first chapter of Unmasking Autism, this is the period I'm talking about in that book. I went away to graduate school (because I was good at academics, and I had some illusions about what a career in that field would do for me), but I had absolutely zero zest for the subject of psychology at that point. I had no research ideas. I read psychology books and publications purely out of obligation. I did what was required of me, but nothing additional beyond that, and I spent the rest of my time sitting at home, sometimes literally staring at the wall and crying. I had no friends or hobbies, aside from taking long, long depression walks listening to podcasts in order to fill the silence.

This was when I was at my most depressed, and my most suicidal. Just existing was a pain. I'd sob in bed at night and cry out begging for God to kill me, and I didn't even believe in God. The only thing that distracted me from my pain was a guy I was seeing, who was beautiful and very cruel and inconsistent, and I clung to him through all kinds of lies and abuse because it felt as though my happiness was located inside of him.

I had a friend that I wrote to about how miserable I was, and all the twists and turns that my horrible romance was taking. Her name was Heather. (Unlearning Shame is dedicated to her). She told me hey, you're a really good writer, did you know that? I really enjoy reading your emails, even when you're speaking about the most pitiful anguished shit, you really put it poetically and have a ton of insight. You should write more.

For a while, I ignored her. I didn't care about writing. I just wanted to get my pain out on the page because I had nobody to talk to, and oodles of time to waste. I had nothing otherwise that I felt I HAD to say. I had no PASSION. I did not feel like I was put on this earth to do anything. Other people seemed to have these drives, and I had nothing.

But then one day in a fit of depression I stopped by a bookstore right near my apartment, The Armadillo's Pillow, just to get outside of the house. I happened upon a book I had loved in high school, Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections. I took it home. I read it. It transported me for a few hours away from my pain. I went back to the book store and picked up some sci-fi. A John Varley collection, I think. I was also swept away from my suffering, even when the stories had flaws that I noticed. I was interested in the actual craft of storytelling: what worked and what didn't. And there was finally some beauty in my head instead of the usual dreariness and self-hatred and emptiness.

And so. I made the choice to write. I could have taken it or left it at that point. I didn't care about anything. Caring is a muscle that you have to flex. And when you're depressed, it can be very hard. I needed a lot of nudges from the external world and other people, to realize that I had some things I did gravitate toward, even if I didn't realize it.

All that time of course I WAS driven to write. I was churning out 5k word letters to Heather every day practically. I was reading stupid shit online. And when it was put in front of me, and I had no reason to feel guilt about not working hard enough on other things, I reached for books. But I didn't feel passion strongly under the heavy blankets of my depression. Or usually at all, really. I am a quite internally muted person whose emotions are suppressed. But they're there. Speaking to me softly. And to overcome my depression, I had to decide to listen to them instead of ignoring them all of the time, and give them kindling, and then fan them into a flame.

I started blogging regularly while I was in graduate school (right here, hello, you can check my archive dating back to 2011), and finding a reason to live. When I was writing, I felt like the world was interesting, and beautiful. It gave me new things to do. I attended literary readings and book launches all over town. I submitted work to magazines. I bought old copies of magazines and read them. I inhaled books. I listened to fiction podcasts. I joined writing groups. At first, it felt like a slog, like anything else. Doing these things, I was not "happy". But I was interested. I liked learning about the world of publishing, critiquing people's stories in my head, and commisserating with other Tumblr writers about the stuff that got featured on the Prose tag that sucked.

After YEARS of doing this, of choosing to fan my passions, it became a genuine motivation in my life. But even then? I lose track of it sometimes. I get busy, or there's no place comfy to sit and read in my apartment, and I forget that I like writing and reading for months at a time. And then I have to choose it again. It takes effort to care about something, every time.

It's the same way with hypno. I did have a fetish for this stuff all my life long. But it's a passion that people always thought was weird and gross, and that I thought was bad. I didn't tell anyone about it until my late 20's. I felt ashamed masturbating to it or looking up hypno content online. For years I snuffed out that flame of passion until I could barely feel it anymore. It wasn't until I was super depressed AGAIN in my later 20's that I took a bunch of weird off-label anti-depressant drugs under the table and had a weird dreamy headspace overtake me and make me insanely horny that I remembered how much I loved hypno, and because I was in search of an escape from my tormented brain, I sought hypnotists out.

And I had the time of my life. But I also had boring, awkward encounters, bad hook-ups, and had to do a ton of work.

My passions have drawn me out of depression because I needed them to. I had to find them, listen to them, and then give them lots of food. And it's one of the few things that a person does often have agency over, no matter how dispiriting their circumstances. You can make choices about where to put what attention you do have, in what free moments you do have. When you're on the bus or in line at the grocery store and you're thinking about how much you hate yourself, you can try to think about a story you read or a sexual fantasy you had, instead. It's a lot of work. But it's better work than the work of hating yourself, which takes a whole lot of energy and attention itself.

I hope you can find something like this for you. It doesn't really matter what it is. It can be some hobby you've always wanted to try, or something "childish" you've suppressed. Having a passion isn't like being chosen by the universe to care about something. It's not like love at first sight. Nothing fucking works like that in life. It's always work. It's always a choice you have to make, because no one else will give it to you. But there can be hints that you can follow, sometimes.

[jubileemon]

Lucifer's Pride

Fittingly for someone who is the Deadly Sin of Pride, Lucifer's main issues in his relationship with Charlie stem from being too proud to admit how much he loves her directly until the events of the episode "Dad Beat Dad".

Another trait of pride he has also involves his relationship with Charlie, refusing to accept Charlie needs anyone's help but his. But Lucifer's help basically amounts to "I will give you anything you want because I'm the strongest being in hell" which misses the point Charlie is making while Alastor offers more indirect methods to accomplishing Charlie's goals that are more likely to succeed than just forcing everyone to do what you want. Funny enough, Alastor playing up being a fatherly substitute to Charlie hurts Lucifer's pride of being her father.

From the start, it's clear that Lucifer never went out of his way to physically visit Charlie. One reason is, as he stated, depression. But it's also characteristically very prideful of him to not show up until Charlie is the one to take action and explicitly invite him to the hotel.

The resolution of their strained relationship makes sense as well; by opening up to Charlie about his failures and insecurities, Lucifer displays humility, the opposite of Pride, and the only true antidote to shame. What is more, this opening up allows him to see Charlie for who she truly is, and fall into the more virtuous side of his Sin by taking due Pride in his daughter and how she is following in his footsteps.

Even his introduction also shows his pride in action. He makes a rubber duck that can backflip and breathe fire... which he then throws aside like trash in a few seconds. Anyone else will be impressed by such a feat of engineering and creativity, but Lucifer's pride set such a high standard that not even this can remotely impress him.

Lucifer is also shown to be rather depressed and the reasons are fairly numerous: he was kicked out of Heaven for defying the rules, in hell he's only able to see humanity at it's worst because of his own mistakes, he lost his wife and got stranded from her own daughter; he probably believes he hit rock bottom at that time. The audience can see how miserable he really is, yet as the phone call goes, Lucifer goes all on it's way to pretend he's totally fine, that he's been doing important thing that kept him busy and puts a jovial mask all the way through. Lucifer's pride is so high it forbids him to even openly admit to his daughter he has been rather miserable and needs a lot more help and confort that he lets on, acting high and mighty during his song with Alastor and putting smiles and exhuberance to cover up the fact he's trying so hard to not fall into despair.

It's only at the end when he decides to be humble when Charlie can finally see that beneath the apparent aloofness, her father was actually in emotional pain and yet he still loved her despite everything when Lucifer finally gets a chance to get the appreciation he desperately needed. Sometimes depressed people are often prone to believe they're supposed to be fine and use arrogance to not be perceived as whiny, often avoiding seeking help because they just can't accept their own feelings of sadness or anger.

[lizthewriter]

Hi! I love your fan fictions! I was wondering (First time requesting ever) if you could do a FIC for Mattheo or Theodore based on exile and the readers dealing with self hate,anxiety, autsim, adhd, Depression, and they feel so alone and push him away because the readers scared to accept her feelings and afraid she’ll get left, and no one loves or cares about her?

AUTHOR'S NOTE Oh my God, thank you so much for sending in a request! This is actually the first request I have ever received, so this is a first for us both! By exile, I'm assuming you mean the song exile by Taylor Swift. Here's a little blurb just for you anon! And thank you for the compliment, I'm glad you love my fanfics! Sending love and good vibes your way

Honestly, I tried my best with this. I've gone through depression and self-hate, and I am currently dealing with anxiety and ADHD. I don't know too much about autism, but I really tried my hardest to convey what you've requested. I hope this is satisfactory!

exile / mattheo riddle

PAIRING Mattheo Riddle x fem!Reader

SUMMARY Everything in your life feels like it's going wrong and there's nothing you can do to change it. What once brought you joy only leaves you numb. What once excited you now only bored you. What you loved only saw you as a friend.

Taking shelter in an empty classroom during a panic attack, Mattheo Riddle finds you a sobbing mess on the stone floors. You find out that he likes you more than you think he does.

TAGS Mattheo Riddle x fem!Reader, angst, hurt/comfort, self-hate, depression, anxiety, stress, ADHD, autism, exams, panic attack, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, fluff, happy ending, kissing

"All this time, / we always walked a very thin line, / you didn't even hear me out," - exile, Taylor Swift feat. Bon Iver

WORD COUNT 2.0K

WRITTEN 23.08.2023

pt. 2 here, karma

You sat in Transfiguration, leg bouncing nervously as you stared down at the test questions. You have always been a terrible test-taker - all the pressure of having to get good marks in such a limited time period and all this weight on your shoulders with the upcoming NEWT's made you more than nervous. Your brows were furrowed in both concentration and confusion. As you were gnawing on the end of your quill, McGonagall announced that it was time for you to place your quills down and pack your things. You let out a shaky sigh, placing down your quill. How could you not answer a simple question? Everyone else seemed to be finding the material easy, why couldn't you? You sat there, beating yourself up as you quickly packed your things away and left class.

You left Transfiguration by yourself and headed back to your dorm. Not only were you doing poorly in your classes, you also happened to be insanely in love with someone in your year. And, of course, you had to fall in love with the most unavailable person. Not only was he not interested in girls, he would never be interested in someone like you. I mean, why would he? What made you so special? And he has referred to you as a mate on so many occasions that if you had a nickel for every one, you'd surely be drowning in an ocean of them. Oh, and not only that, but you didn't really have friends. Most of the people you knew were dating and had at least one best friend. But you? No, you may know a variety of people but you couldn't call any of them a good friend, even. You didn't understand what you were doing wrong. Why was everyone else living happy, productive lives while you were stuck being miserable, alone, and depressed?

I mean, you lost all interest in everything. You couldn't find the joy in reading or taking walks about the grounds anymore. Your schoolwork was taking a turn for worse and you found yourself and bored and tired of your classes. Your grades were slipping, you had no friends, no partner, no nothing. Everything just felt wrong, wrong, wrong. And all you could do was sit there and blame yourself.

You knew you wouldn't be able to make it to your dorm to find the privacy to cry- you quickly ducked into the nearest room, curled up into the corner, and burst into sobs. It was all just too much and too little at the same time. You just felt like you couldn't deal with all this anymore. If you didn't deserve to be happy, than maybe you didn't deserve to be at all. Your hands bunched up into fists, lightly hitting your head at your temples. You hated your thoughts, the way your brain worked. You hated how you could think about everything all at once. You just wanted it all to stop, all to end.

You didn't hear the sounds of footsteps passing the classroom - Mattheo had only been walking by, skipping out on Potions, when he heard you. When he glanced into the classroom and saw you crying there, he couldn't help himself.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

You froze, sniffling, your chest heaving for air. You hadn't heard him and was caught off guard. Quickly, you wiped your face with the edge of your sleeve, collecting your bag from the ground and hiking it up your shoulder. "Nothing - nothing's wrong."

He ducked his head, his lips set into a thin-line as he observed you. "I'm not stupid. I can see that you're crying."

Great. Now you had offended the only person, perhaps, that even cared to talk to you for more than five minutes. He must hate you right now. Depise you. Think you to be cruel. "I didn't mean to say you were stupid." It was hard to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over the threshold. You wiped your eyes with the end of your sleeve again. Why should he care about you? He must be pitying you now, surely he would have no other reason to act so concerned. Even if he did, he would one day realize that you were never as good as he thought you.

His gaze softened, the edges of his lips curling up slightly. He approached you, raising his hand to wipe away a tear that had collected in the inner corner of your eye. "'S all right, darling. Don't cry. Just talk with me about it, hm?"

Your chest heaved as you took in a shaky breath. "W-why do you care? I'm sure you have better things to do." You let out a weak laugh, backing away from his touch. "I mean, come on, don't you have Potions right now?"

"Why do I - I care about you. Do you need a reason why?"

"Yes, I do, actually," you responded, cringing at how snarky you sounded.

Mattheo let out a sigh. "I care about you because you're beautiful, inside and out. I care about you because you make me laugh. And you make me feel better when I've had a shit day. I care about you because no one makes my heart flutter like you do." His voice got smaller as he took a step towards you, and gradually raised his hands to cup your cheeks. He drew your gaze to his eyes, those beautiful brown eyes. His expression was rather serious, as though he were trying to affirm his words. "I care about you cause you're the only person who's ever really cared about me."

You trembled beneath the soft caress of his knuckcles, meeting his eyes for a short moment before shoving him away. A brief moment of hurt echoed through his eyes as you shook your head, backing away from him. "No, no you don't. I don't. And even if you did . . . " You found your voice trailing off. You hiked the strap of your bag up your shoulder again, having slipped down your arm. "I should go. I have History of Magic soon and I don't want to be late."

Mattheo glanced at you and then down at the floor, his jaw clenched. "Fine. I won't stand in your way then."

-

You spent the majority of your time avoiding Mattheo, but you knew there'd be a day when you would run into him and you couldn't do anything about it. Today was that day, almost two weeks after the aforementioned incident.

You were curled up in the Astronomy Tower, late at night, lying on top of a blanket as you glanced up at the stars. It was perhaps the only moment of peace you had found in a while - maybe it was the whistle of wind or the glittering of the stars.

You should've known he'd be up here. He's always sneaking off places late at night, the highest points of the castle. You heard your name being called and turned around to see a surprised Mattheo. He stood but a few feet from yourself. You weren't exactly sure what to do - in your panic, you did nothing.

"Erm - may I sit down?"

You didn't say anything for a moment, drawing your legs into your chest and resting your head upon your knees. You nodded ever so slightly, glancing away from him as he plopped down next to you. His shoulder brushed up against yours and he leaned forward to try and catch your eyes, mimicking your seated position.

"Hey, I'm sorry about the other day. I should've stayed there with you . . ." His voice trailed off. He let out a sigh as he leaned back on both palms, now spraying out his legs across the blanket. He stared put at the stars, his expression neither upset nor particularly happy. "I don't think you really meant it when you said you didn't care about me. I know you do. I just want to know why you're trying to convince yourself that you don't." He paused, hesitating. "Is it because you think I don't feel the same way about you? 'Cause you can erase that thought from your mind. I like you - really, really like you. And I don't know why exactly you keep pushing me away, but I want you to know that I'm here to listen."

He bathed in your silence, not necessarily perturbed by it. He finally decided to test the waters, raising his hand to gently touch yours. He seemed fascinated with you as he ran his fingernail gently across your skin.

You didn't know whether you wanted to tell him or not. You didn't know if you could trust him. If he wouldn't just laugh in your face, call you a fool, and leave you a pitiful mess. But Salazar, did you want to spill your heart out to him. And in the mental state you were in now, coupled with your fatigue, you didn't even care anymore.

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't have any friends. I'm not particularly close with my family. And everytime I did start to make a friend or - or something more, they'd just leave." You wrapped your arms tighter around your legs. "I always wondered, what's wrong with me? Do I say the wrong things? Act the wrong way? Am I really so despisable that people actively go out of their way to ignore me?" You scoffed. "Guess I must be some kind of horrible person then."

"That's not true," Mattheo said immediately, surging forward in anger. "You're an amazing person. Whoever has just left you or treated you like that, they're arseholes. I won't do that to you. Never. I don't care how many times I have to say it 'til it gets through that pretty little head of yours, I like you, I care about you, I want to make you happy . . . and if leaving you alone and pretending like I never admitted that to you makes you happy, then that's what I'll do." He waited for your response, painfully hoping for a verbal one. However, you remained silent. Mattheo felt his heart sink. "Right then. Well."

He began to push himself off the floor to get up, but you quickly grabbed his hand. "Wait!" you exclaimed in alarm, finally meeting his eyes. "I - I lied before. I do care about you. Please don't go. Please."

Mattheo sat back down with an easy-going grin, like he knew he had you right where he wanted you.

"You really like me?" You asked, both breathless and doubtful all at once.

"Do you need me to prove it to you?" His grin grew smug.

"Yes, actually."

"All right then." Mattheo raised his hand to rest under your chin, tilting your head slightly to the side so you were facing him directly. Your eyes widened as he drew closer, his eyes glancing between your eyes and your lips. Breath growing shallow, you tensed as you could feel his humid breath on your lips. "I can prove it to you right now, if you let me."

You wasted no time in smashing your lips against his, hands coming up to cup both of his cheeks. Your eyes were shut tight as you relished in the feeling of his buttery smooth lips running against yours. He was a bit more passionate tha you had expected, but he had been waiting for years to do this. And whatever his imagination could try to conjure, it was nothing compared to the real thing.

Mattheo was the one to pull away but he was soon back to give you a quick peck, sming against your lips. "You're amazing - I don't think I'll ever be leaving you after a kiss like that."

You finally grinned, a true grin, gor the first time in a long time, and brought his face back down to yours to kiss under the stars.

Thank you all for reading! Be sure to like, reblog, and comment! I really appreciate it ^^. If you have any requests, by inbox is open but make sure to check the list of characters I write for here. If you want to be tagged in any upcoming fics/headcanons of mine, let me know. If you want to see more from me, go ahead and check out my masterlist here!

[keyotos]

hey!! can i request hsr men (specifically dan heng but anyone else works too) hcs for how they are with children???

little ankle biters (endearingly)

summary ⎯ hsr men spend time with kids!!

includes ⎯ dan heng, gepard, and jing yuan

tana's words ⎯ kids r so fun. i never understood the whole "i want to kick children" thing bc obviously you aren't a fun and happy person u miserable depressed freak. anyway i hope u enjoy!!

also pls forgive me if i take a little long w/ requests. i've been soo busy w/ my personal life so i'm really trying i promise

dan heng

⎯ he's awkward at first, but as he spends more time with them, he becomes less awkward and more relaxed.

⎯ so sarcastic around children. but since they're children, they don't understand it and think he's being serious. it's so amusing when you hear them all gasp at his sentences.

⎯ this all started when you dragged dan heng along to play with the kids in boulder town. at first, he wanted to refuse because he thought it would have been awkward (it was), but after some begging from your side dan heng eventually gave in.

⎯at first, dan heng was just there. the kids mostly gravitated towards you and he had no reason to get in the way with that. he was happy to admire you play around with them; besides, he was able to help you win at hide n' seek without cheating.

⎯ noticing his behavior, you didn't want to see him missing out any longer. so you, after seeing him distance himself from the kids, had an idea. you asked dan heng if you could borrow his spear. you then used to carefully poke yourself in the stomach in front of the kids, then you fell dramatically on the ground.

dan heng, confused by your actions, watched you roll around on the ground. the children were laughing, asking if you were okay or not. you continued rolling around, clutching your stomach, until you called out for dan heng, "dan heng! the brave hero! help me!!" you called out.

dan heng's eyes widened. you were acting like you were in pain when you were perfectly fine. and the children were convinced. when they all looked up at him with pleading eyes, dan heng knew he had no choice. he grabbed you by the arm to try to pull you up, but you didn't budge.

he pulled harder, yet there was still no movement from you. for a second, dan heng thought you were actually hurt before you opened your eyes and gave him a wink. you were met with a sigh of disbelief from dan heng. since he didn't say anything, you took this as an opportunity for phase two, "i need you to carry me," you whispered.

dan heng's face recoiled, "why?"

"please," you held on tighter to his hand, interlocking your fingers together. you squeezed his hand to convince him even further. dan heng knew he was screwed when he lifted you up from the ground and held you in his arms: if you were a drug, he would constantly be addicted to you.

"oh!" you exaggerated, making your voice extra loud, "i am saved! the hero of boulder town saved me!!" dan heng was trying to duck his head away from you, saving himself from further embarrassment. it didn't work, however, as he heard one of the kids say, "me next!! me next!!"

and so he spent the next hour taking kids in his arms, spinning them around, and trying to refrain from making too many sarcastic comments. for once, it seemed as though he toned down his seriousness for the kids. they were overjoyed, and they begged you guys to stay for more hours. sadly, the two of you had to refuse.

"you had fun, didn't you," you smirked while walking hand-in-hand through bouldertown.

"perhaps. did you have fun with your little scheme?" he turned his head around to look at you.

"i did," you smiled and wrapped your arm around his. "i hope to do this again some day."

yeah, dan heng hoped as well. he ended the day off with you by his side and with more positive thoughts about the children of boulder town than before.

gepard

⎯ as the captain of the silvermane guards, he had many many kids who looked up to him. even the kids in the underworld (who had never seen him before) were completely enthralled by him. he had numerous little girls wanted to marry him, as well as numerous little boys who wanted to be him.

⎯ that being said, he has very little experience with children. since he's always so busy, he never really has time to get to know belobog. yes, he does go patrolling, but that is much different than exploring all the nooks and crannies of the city, learning its customs, its culture, its people.

⎯ you've noticed this over the past few years. so you decided to change that. one day, a day where gepard finally got a day off, you took him to go sightseeing throughout the city. gepard claims he's already seen the entirety of belobog, but you think differently.

⎯ so, you've decided to drag him out of his office as a way to interact with the people he's protecting. especially the kids.

"me and captain gepard are getting married one day," you hear a little girl whisper, "he's so nice to me. he saved me and my mom once," she gossiped.

gepard looked thoroughly surprised at the girl's theory. he was about to say something before another kid butt in, "captain gepard is too busy to get married to you," he snided, "he'll be the captain and i'll be his vice-captain!"

the girl scoffed, "vice-captain isn't a thing, idiot."

you laughed at the kids' encounter with each other. they were absolutely adorable; childhood innocence in times like these is a true example of one of the worlds' wonders. "aren't they cute," you bumped gepard's shoulder, "this is what you've been missing out on."

"i had forgotten how kids behaved," gepard says in shock. "it's been a while since i was a kid."

you smirked, suddenly having an idea, "well, you can always relive it!" you shoved gepard into the circle of children.

suddenly, the girl who had been so pompous before turned away from gepard, trying to hide her flushed expression. the boy who was boasting about becoming a "vice captain" had eyes that shined brighter than the stars themselves.

"captain gepard!!" the children exclaimed. he'd never been out and about in the city before; they immediately knew this was a rare occasion. they surrounded him quickly, jumping and clapping. gepard towered over all the children, a sight that you found endearing.

"captain gepard! i want to be your vice captain soon!!" the insistent boy yelled. "and stephanie wants to marry you," he snitched.

"jacob!" the girl shoved, "that was supposed to be a secret," she scolded. jacob simply shrugged in response. trying his best not to get in between the sibling quarrell (gepard has already lived through too many of those), he turned his head around, mouthing for help.

you smiled, shook your head, and walked towards him, "okay guys, chill out. do you guys want to ask him anything?" you wrapped your arms around gepard's shoulders. it was an act of reassurance, whilst still letting the kids have fun.

"yeah," stephanie answered, "do they let stupid people," she eyed jacob, "into the silvermane guards?"

"hey!" jacob elbowed stephanie, "you're just mad because his real partner is right next to him," he gestured towards you.

your eyes widened synchronically, both of you turning towards each other. "i⎯ we're not," you blush, suddenly getting hot. the thought of marriage has crossed your mind before, but hearing these children speculate was just embarrassing.

while you try to stutter out a response, gepard silently takes your hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the top of your hand with a smile adorning his lips. you were right, this was fun.

jing yuan

⎯ actually amazing with kids. he is the perfect mix of fun and caring. literal father vibes.

⎯ kids in the xianzhou adore him. they look up to him, much like they do with gepard, but jing yuan is less awkward. however, since he's so busy, he doesn't have much time to go down and play with them.

⎯ i guess he kinda missed out on his childhood?? it wasn't unhappy bc he ended up doing something he liked, but he never had the "normal" childhood experience. but he understands children to a certain extent, like their excitement over things (ex. yanqing with swords).

⎯ type to share stories. not rlly the type to play w/ them bc he has a whole ass POLEARM. that would be very dangerous and very bad.

finally, there was a day where jing yuan had a ounce of free time to spare with you. of course, you two had your nights, early mornings, and (occasionally) evenings, but you two never had more than an hour together (not counting sleep).

so, what other way to celebrate than to finally explore what you two have missed out on? you two haven't been down in star-skiff haven in what seems like years. with your busy schedules and many prominent tasks, it was hard to make free time to leave the house a lot.

you two have been sightseeing the entire day; viewing all the star-skiffs that passed by, trying all the food, even going around various markets. but none of those amused you much as the children playing in the center of star-skiff haven did.

they were running around, jumping, and betting on star-skiffs. they all had their own individual cliques, it seemed; they were all hanging out separately.

"do you remember what it was like, being in a clique?" you turned to jing yuan who was observing the children.

"i spent most of my life training, so no," he took a sip from a drink he bought. noticing your interest in his drink, he held it out towards you, which prompted you to take a sip. you let out a sigh of delight.

"thanks," you leaned onto him, "i remember being in one of these childhood cliques. i was the freaking leader of all the children," you bragged.

"oh really?" jing yuan raised an eyebrow, "why don't you go over there and show them who's the boss?" his lips raised in a smug smile.

"i'm getting too old," you waved him off, to which jing yuan shook his head in disagreement, "you could get out there though, general."

"told you not to call me general," he pointed a finger in your face. you responded by trying to bite it off. sadly, it didn't work, as jing yuan's reflexes prove once again why he remains the general. "what would i do out there?"

"you could tell them stories," you rocked back and forth on your heels, "did you ever play with kids your age?"

"sometimes, before i started training to be apart of the cloud knights, though. but i can't really remember my life back then," he looked to the carefree kids, eyes filled with admiration.

"you could spend some time with them now," your voice raised a little bit, "you have time," you told in a soft voice.

"i suppose i do," jing yuan grinned at you.

jing yuan was popular with the children, to say the least. it seems that you would've had a rival back then; if jing yuan didn't join the cloud knights, of course. nonetheless, it was an endearing sight to see jing yuan converse with the children who were gathered by him.

he treated them so well, similar to how he would treat yanqing. he told them stories, exaggerating them to just the right amount. and every time one of them would smile, laugh, or gasp, he'd always turn towards you, giving you a smile of your own.

for someone who spent most of their childhood whisked away, jing yuan was practically a child himself.

jing yuan's probably ooc but lets IGNORE THAT and focus on how i managed to finish 2 requests in one day!!!! 2 more here we come!!!!!!!!

[tartsinarat]

Heres an extremely dumbass idea I thought of while rewatching parks and rec through clips

Belos: “Depressed? I’m the furthest thing from depressed. I mean, look at what I’ve accomplished. Do you see them? Do you think a depressed person could make this? No.”

Hunter:” uh…father who are you talking to? There’s no one there”

Here’s the live Caleb reaction

But yeah I just find Caleb showing up to haunt Belos’s ass at random points and judging every life decision he’s making, so then every time Belos has to miserably fail to try to justify everything he’s done ever to (quite literally) dead silent Caleb is kinda funny in a morbid way

This time he is showing off and brings up his two grimwalkers that have lasted the longest beating his record of two years as an example of a good life decision as well as proving that he totally doesn’t need therapy

Ngl I feel bad for Pip as the poor guy just wanted to nap and got picked up just for Belos to prove a point but he stayed asleep through all of it tho

Btw Caleb is trying so hard not to loose his shit just because there’s youngins there and he doesn’t want to wake up Pip by making Belos pissed off so he’s going to stand there in silence even more menacingly and judgemental

I like the idea that despite the weird as fuck origins of Pip and Hunter, Caleb still sees them as his nephews and likes to check up on them every once in a while when he’s not haunting Belos, Caleb checks on Hunter the most because he’s constantly in dangerous situations even inside the castle so it helps Hunter a lot to have Caleb staring daggers at Belos whenever he gets violent towards Hunter because it usually stops him

On the other hand Caleb does like checking on Pip because it’s nice seeing a version of what could have been if Philip had learnt to accept the boiling isles :( also I can imagine it’s nice seeing your great x(insert number) granddaughter continue your wife’s tradition of being a menace to a stuck up society and teaching those ways to your weird mini brother/ nephew.

also fun fact Hooty can see Caleb (don’t ask how) and greatly enjoys chatting to him as Caleb was the one who managed to convince Eve to let hooty stay in their house’s door as a “guard” but really Caleb just felt bad for the wee bug demon as hooty didn’t have a home at the time and thought so he would be a fun addition to the family hence why alongside Lilith, Caleb was one of Hooty’s favourite people

btw nobody really cares or finds it unusual for hooty to just be talking to himself so not one single person has asked about it lmao

Almost forgot to mention but this is actually still a weird memory that Hunter remembers and used to wonder why on the boiling isles did Belos have those random fits of “hallucinations” until he talked about it with Pip.

Pip was just causally like “wait you couldn’t see him?” And walked off… Hunter has never found out or gotten a clear answer if Pip was actually joking or if he could straight up see dead people, Pip refuses to reveal the real answer because he finds Hunter being confused as fuck hilarious

Also if your wondering why Belos doesn’t have the cool mechanical prosthetic staff arm, he usually hides it with a glove :p (this is because a) I’m too lazy to draw such a detailed prosthetic all the time and b) I doubt Belos would like people to know he’s missing an arm as I doubt he would like the idea of seeming “weak” because in his day this would essentially be a death sentence either due to infection or being classed as less than due to not being able to work properly)

[neonnoir-ao3]

Caine and Pomni falling in love in the Circus and making it out together only for Caine to realize how warped all their personalities were compared to who they actually are in reality, but especially Pomni’s.

Okay literal train-of-thought word salad from here on out, prepare yourselves accordingly.

• Like he knows Pomni as an anxious little jester but they love each other and she’s cute and funny and affectionate and all that fun stuff. But once they’re in reality he follows her like a lost puppy because he has no idea how this place works and gets to see how she actually lives.

• Pomni is basically an accidental femcel when it comes to vibes. A complete girlfailure, if you will. (socially isolated, chronically single brunette with glasses, you get the idea)

• A “nice relaxing night for her” is playing a random YouTube video essay that’s like three hours long while lounging on the couch and not wearing pants, eating an entire bag of chips and probably hitting her bong. She gave up on dating in college due to failure after failure so she’s accepted that she’s gonna die alone… or rather she says she has. (She read that “I’m not doing to be loved in this lifetime, am I?” quote in a TikTok slideshow and proceeded to down an entire bottle of wine that night while sobbing)

• She wanted to get a cat to ease the loneliness, but she doesn’t feel good enough— a cat deserves more than just a shitty apartment with a wreck of an owner in their mid-20s.

• He goes back to her apartment— it’s dingy and shitty but it’s the closest place to the office that she can afford. Her half of her pantry is ramen she bought in bulk. She’s medicated to high heaven and her kitchen counters look like a pharmacy.

• Pomni is either so fucking embarrassed when Caine sees how her life is in reality or the Human Depression™ in her Human Body™ has already set back in by the time they get there and she’s just miserably accepting of it. There is no in-between.

• She showers for the first time since The Incident (she didn’t need to bathe in the DC, her clothes were literally attached to her body there/hygiene was a total nonissue in that world) and she just breaks down and spends a good 30-40 minutes taking a scalding hot shower (as all the depressed girlies do) while sobbing her heart out. It’s cathartic as fuck to be able to lose her shit for once without the threat of abstraction, but it also hurts so fucking badly at the exact same time.

• Something about mental illness in real humans versus their digital avatars really messes with Caine. At the very least he could create a zany adventure to get their mind off of things, but then there’s some days where Pomni just stays in bed all day and doesn’t say a word. This world is so harsh and dull and colorless in comparison to the world he was made for, and there are fleeting moments where he wonders if it would’ve been better if they had both stayed there.

[marunalu]

Hi. Many fans disappointed with new chapter. I see many complaining. I am more pissed because of Bakugo.

I am now sure that in next chapter Izuku will be catched by Ochako or sonehow Shigaraki give Izuku OFA back or his original quirk. Dont know.

How do you think DFO will be revealed then Shigaraki and AFO destroyed? Both spirituality and phisicaly.

Well, its no wonder people are upset after that shitfest of a chapter. That propably was the most anticlimactic final bossfight I have ever seen in a manga and after all the talking how izuku wants to safe tomura, dude just dies and izuku is fine with it. He just failed his attempt to save the person he wanted to save the most, but hey I guess the fistbum makes up for it (it does NOT!) Im actually curious how the japanese fanbase reacted to all of that.

I mean, of course hori had to force bakugou in it for a final time. Hes his golden baby boy afterall. Izuku cant do anything without bakugous or other peoples help. He is not allowed to shine on his own in his own fight against the main villain in HIS story. Nope, bakugou needed to help to give the final blow to afo TWICE, because HE is the true VIP of mha! I have actually seen quite a few bakugou fan who were not happy about it. If even his FANS complain about how forced and unnecessary that part was, maybe hori should ask himself if his staning for that one specific character is not going a little bit to far. I mean, seems like we just were all dumb. At the beginning of the story we were told izuku is a useless loser because he cant do anything without the help of others and in the end it turns out it was true. How could we not see that comming? The mc was not allowed to defeat the main villain himself and needs others, espicially his abuser to help him. Wow, what a great message! And the most depressing point is that hori was clearly trying to make that look like a positiv thing. There is one thing I can say for sure. I will never touch any work from hori ever again.

If this was really the conclusion of the final fight, then congratulation hori, you managed to write a more rushed and horrible conclusion for your story, then tite kubo did with bleach (which to be fair was not kubos fault but shonen jumps). Hori did literally EVERY SINGLE character except bakugou dirty and in the end even startet to write against his own established themes in the story.

Regarding dfo: I already mentioned it a few times in the past. Im still positiv dfo is canon BUT I also said I dont think anymore that dfo will end in a satisfying way. Which actually goes against what hori said, that readers wont feel dissapointed when he reveals hisashis true identity. But, right now I dont see how hori plans to manage that even with a twist. Even if lets say the clone theory ends up true (which would be hilarious because I was JOKING when I came up with it), it still would feel like so much wasted potential. And the thing is, while it would make me happy if it turns out true I would still be mad about all the rest hori fucked up which would make it impossible for me to enjoy the dfo reveal. And as much as I love dfo, if it turns out the afo clone theory is true and hisashi is the real afo who gets a happy ending while tomura stays dead and doesnt get one after everything afo did to him and the rest of the lov stay miserable too, I will still give hori the middlefinger. The only way I would be able to enjoy it is if hisashi ends up as the afo clone who choose a different path then his original body. It would still make dfo canon just in a unexpected way and it could be interesting to see in hisashi that afo COULD have been happy if he had choose a similar way.

I dont know, maybe in the end there is really some kind of twist involved. Shonen jump still hasnt announced that mha will end in the next few chapters and normally they do that at least 5-10 chapters before the final chapter. Maybe we are just panicking over nothing and hori has everything planned out perfectly. Maybe there is more to come. We really cant say for sure. There are still some plots who need answers and I cant see how hori wants to conclude everything in just 2 more chapters. On the other side this final arc was horrible rushed, even more horrible written and all in all a big dissapointment and waste of a lot of peoples time.

Who knows maybe thats why there is a break next week. So hori can wait for the reactions of the readers and include whatever twist he may think could work.

[got-ticket-to-ride]

Wanted to know your thoughts on this, but for what I've reading on John it really looks to me he really got worse post Paul and post Beatles, like his saddest songs match the moment he started to have issues with Paul, he wasn't really having much contact with anyone outside Yoko, he wasn't doing much music, he wasn't being that funny either, he even died without being able to fully overcome his heroine addiction (addiction that started in the Beatles fall out right?), and idk i believe his involvement in the whole peace/art movement looked more like an escape (like some people do with religion) than actual interest.

So what you think, was John at his worst after he got out the band and cut his relationship with Paul or was it was always like that?

Hello @lord-pain

thank you for this ask! I hope I'll make sense. I think the White Album was definitely the start of John's "sad songs". Happiness is a Warm Gun, Yer Blues. Subsequently, Dig a Pony sounded so desperate to me and Because which is yeah, post India, post breakup?

There's so many different accounts during that period. Some narrators might be unreliable because you never know who these "historians/journalist/"acquaintances" have their allegiance to.

During the 70s it was said that John was miserable, became a violent drunk (who believed in astrology). He was quite unhappy with how things turned out in his life due to his choices but he was too proud to admit it.

About drugs, Fred Seaman said John stopped with heroin in the last half of the 70s in this video.

Due to differing accounts that are out there, I just concentrate on John, what he wrote lyrically and how clearheaded he was during his last interview. He was trying to be better. I think that is the most important detail despite everything that went down. Also the part where he was going to work with Ringo and had booked a studio with Paul for January 1981.

His activism was partly a distraction for him. Beatle John dabbled in it, but he became very aggressive about politics after the break up. He was anti-religion when he released Imagine (1971). But went back to believing in god when he wrote "Grow Old With Me" (1979?), which I have so much thoughts about but I haven't even had the courage to voice out.

While there are glimpses of John's mental anxiety visible in his song "Help!" (1965)

"Help me if you can, I'm feeling down, and I do appreciate you being 'round",

he was trying to be positive about it as seen in "Strawberry Fields Forever" (1966):

"It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out, It doesn't matter much to me".

And was still holding on during the conception of "Across the Universe" (in February 1968) with his mantra:

"Nothing's gonna change my world",

which I think might've been a result of Paul's engagement in December 1967 to Jane.

Across the Universe (February 1968) > believer God (1970) > anti-religion Imagine (1971) > anti-religion (he made a satire song which I did not include here) Grow Old With Me (1979) > believer

During his alleged break from music from 1975, he was still making home demos and was writing Skywriting by Word of Mouth.

I think John and Paul being apart was just not good for them. The general opinion was that Paul left John and had moved on. (I don't believe that's true). It was John who made the decision to leave, it was this push and pull thing, and Paul continued to reach out to him (and we don't know what happened during all those times they've met up). Some accounts say that John was practically begging for a reunion but then again Paul never stopped reaching out to John (see 1976) so I personally think, regardless of all these details that are out in the open, there is still a missing piece we have not considered yet and that can only be told by Paul himself.

To summarize it, John probably had depression (since his teenage years) but Paul was a constant positive thing in his life that he needed and that had helped him through it, "the girl who came to stay" until something happened...

John Lennon was definitely at his worst without his buddies by his side in the 70s.

[plounce]

i have a jerk wol idea in the back of my head (he's an m!viera) that is founded on the idea of "what kind of within-reason jerk can still be the warrior of light (and not a total cartoon villain) but have like all the scions justifiably unable to stand him or want to be around him by the endwalker patches via various interpersonal conflicts" (i think this is a reaction to how many "my wol hates the scions and they arent friends and the scions view my wol as an object" concepts i see. like what would the opposite be?). he's very self-centered and kind of vain and sort of callous. he firmly believes that he is the best person in the room and that no problems are ever his fault. bad at working with other people and at collaborating. complains. probably the worst person to make the champion of the world but well you're all stuck with him now because he time-traveled and god knows he's the special boy. timeloop.

anyway i think he and thancred were fwb back in ARR and then picked it back up in HVW patches while thancred was like extremely depressed and miserable and it was very unhealthy for thancred meanwhile [wol] (i dont have a name for him yet) was just like "can you be fun again. god you're so boring now. can you lighten up". anyway flash forward to shb, they meet up again, they're resting in the bookman's shelves before traipsing about il mheg, [wol] and thancred are left alone together as urianger goes and shows the twins where to sleep (ryne goes with). [wol] is like "you cleaned yourself up, excellent, let's resume our arrangement" and thancred is like "oh. uh. sorry. no thanks" and [wol] is like "What? Why." and thancred's like "i'm... spoken for now" "Who." "...urianger. we've grown close." "HIM? that dumpy little thing? pull the other one." "i'm serious." "... you really have let your standards fall since you've been stuck here, huh." "excuse me?" "it's just - (snort) you know. the fancy new outfit doesn't really hide a plain face. and the way he talks..." "i would appreciate it if you wouldn't talk about him like that." "i'm just speaking my mind. being honest. but i guess you're not that into honesty, if you're into that." they almost start yelling but then urianger comes back and is like "... is aught amiss?" and thancred says "no. right?" and [wol] eyerolls and says "i'll just leave you two alone since i'm not wanted" and urianger is just like ??? and thancred is >:/ (they aren't Together Officially yet actually)

i think y'shtola hated his vibes since day 1 and views him as an annoying necessity but mostly keeps that under wraps. during hvw patches he's rude to matoya and she doesn't like that. then she tries to confront him about how he's kind of using thancred but he doesn't react well and he says something kind of shitty about her not being able to see and from then on they both know they dislike each other and it is very chilly between them. they are both self-assured enough to cope fine with it but they never talk about anything outside of Work unless y'shtola is trying to go like "you can't fucking do that, you're being an asshole to my friends" (confrontational and direct personality trait) and he blows her off like Whatever, i know you hate me, im not going to listen to anything you say. i think of all the scions she hates him the most

g'raha i think really idolized him from all the books and stories and thought he was really cool and confident and handsome back during the CT raids and then throughout shb patches and endwalker gets the rose-colored glasses stripped away. the crush dies. [wol] thought he was cute but kind of dumb and thought about starting something up since g'raha seemed willing but never did.

there's more brewing but that's jerkwol

[st-eve-barnes]

Unfinished sympathy

(Modern Aegon x fem Reader)

Summary: You broke up with Aegon months ago but he can't move on, and maybe neither can you.

Word count: +2200

Warning: Mentions of depression and drinking. This is pure comfort fluff with a tiny bit of angst.

Seeing Aegon cry just melts my heart, okay, I know he has issues but we'll leave those in canon. This modern Aegon is just a sad, depressed puppy who needs love.

***

All my fics are also on AO3

***

If Aegon had learned one thing from a very young age it’s that people always leave. Whether it was his father, who never cared for him, or his mother, who had high hopes for her son he was never able to fulfill. Even his brother and eventually his sister grew tired of having to deal with him and his moods. 

But then he met you, and for a while things were better than ever. He made you laugh and you made him fall so deeply in love with you. The world was softer then, more colorful and he actually started to have hope again.

But of course it didn’t last.

That’s another thing Aegon had learned from a very young age, he would always fuck up a good thing.

He just didn’t know how to stop, how to change, grow up and be like everybody else. It just wasn’t in his DNA.

And fuck it, he didn’t want to be like everyone else. People were sad and cruel creatures, life an endless cycle of the same boring days repeated over and over. It was eating at his soul.

Drinking helped. Sex did as well. He got addicted to both. But the cure was only temporary, and always left him wanting more. Left him needing what he couldn’t have anymore. You.

He watched you from the sidelines tonight, watching as you danced with him. Too close, too cozy, his hands all over you and the shy, sweet smile on your face showing not the slightest objection.

Aegon forced himself to look away. He knew he shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be following you around like this, like a love sick puppy that couldn’t move on. But what else could he do?

You found him sitting on your doorstep when you arrived home later that night.

He had his face hidden in his hands and when he looked up you saw he’d been crying.

”Gods, not again,” you sighed.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he tried to smile at you but it only made him look more miserable.

You grabbed your keys from your purse and walked up to the door, fully planning on ignoring him. “This isn’t your apartment anymore, Aegon, you can’t keep coming here every time you’re drunk.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” he stood and met your eyes,”I’m not drunk. I swear.”

It only took you a few seconds to know he wasn’t lying, you’d seen him drunk on too many occasions to know tonight wasn’t one of them. Your initial irritation faded a little bit. “What are you doing here then?”

“My head’s really bad tonight,” he confessed, rubbing more tears from his face,”really bad and…I just can’t stomach being alone right now, can I…please just stay for a while? Please.”

You sighed again. You knew you should say no, you couldn’t keep doing this, taking him in every time he had another breakdown. But this was Aegon, your Aegon. You would never be able to find it in your heart to turn him and his sad puppy eyes away.

“Yeah, okay, fine,” you caved,”Come on up.”

***

The warmth coming from your fireplace was soothing and comforting, the rest of the room was dark and Aegon couldn’t stop looking at the moving flames right in front of him. You sat down next to him on the floor and handed him a cup of tea.

“Thanks,” he spoke quietly,” I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your night.”

“You didn’t, my night was over anyway.”

He looked away from the fire to meet your eyes, his gaze soft and filled with that all too familiar mix of sad and troubled with a little hint of mischievous.

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, how all he had to do was look at you with those big doe eyes and your heart would go all weak for him again. 

He was bad for you, you knew that and breaking up with him all those months ago had been the smart thing to do, the only thing to do to protect your own heart. But some part of you still missed him every day, and it killed you to see him struggle, no matter how self-inflicted his issues were.

“You look really great, by the way,” Aegon pulled you from your thoughts,”And happy, really happy, I mean, you’re practically glowing.”

“That’s just the reflection of the fireplace,” you joked and he laughed softly.

“Well, It looks good on you,” he continued,” And I’m…I’m happy for you.”

For a moment you just looked at him.

“You’re still a bad liar,” you then smiled.

Aegon shook his head and the smile faded.”And you still see right through me, huh?”

“Always.”

You both stayed quiet then.

“Are you?” he then asked.

“What?”

“Happy?”

Your eyes met his and you couldn’t lie, not when he was looking at you like that.

You shook your head,”No, but…I’m okay.”

“What about that guy you’ve been seeing?” he asked carefully.

“I’m not seeing him, it’s just a casual thing…he’s not…it’s nothing."

He’s not you, is what you’d wanted to say but you bit your tongue and swallowed those words.

“It’s none of my business anymore, I know,” Aegon sighed,”It’s…god, fuck, I shouldn’t even be here, should I?”

“Why are you here, Aegs?”

A hint of a smile tugged at his lips at your nickname and you instantly regretted it. You shouldn’t have said it, you didn’t want him to think…

“You’re the only home I know,” he then whispered, interrupting your thoughts,”My head gets bad and…all I can think about is…how badly I want to disappear into your arms. It’s the only place I feel…”

When you looked at him you could see the tears in his eyes again.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, wiping his tears before they could fall down,”I know I shouldn’t say those things anymore, I just…I can’t fucking move on from you. I tried, I really fucking tried but…and then I saw you with him tonight and I…”

He bit his lip to stop himself from blurting out more things he would probably regret later.

“You followed me again?” you asked, disappointed but not surprised, it wasn't the first time you’d accidentally ran into him and you knew it wouldn’t be the last.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed.

“Gods help me, Aegon, what am I going to do with you?” you sighed.

“Oh, the gods don’t want me anymore, baby. My own family doesn’t even want me anymore,” he chuckled sadly before meeting your eyes, letting his gaze linger as he added in a soft whisper,”But you still do, don’t you?”

You wished it wasn’t true, wished that you could listen to your head instead of your heart and save yourself the inevitable heartbreak that would surely follow, if it wasn’t today or tomorrow then further down the road. There was no happy ending with Aegon, you knew this.

But it didn’t matter, you couldn’t deny the way your heart was aching for him.

“Yes,” you confessed with a defeated sigh,” Yes, I still do.”

Aegon’s hand reached for yours, holding it in his for a moment before he pulled you into his space. You went willingly, letting your body lean against his, your head on his shoulder while his arm wrapped around you and his hand started caressing your hair. 

“I miss you,” he whispered against your ear,”You have no idea how much I fucking miss you.”

You sighed into his touch, realizing how much you had missed him as well but you didn’t say anything, you just wrapped your arm around his waist and hugged him closer. Aegon melted into you, his face buried into your hair while he breathed you in.

Tears filled his eyes again but they were not of sadness this time. Your smell, your presence, your obvious affection for him warmed his heart and just like that he could slowly see some color seeping into his world again. Every touch from you chasing away part of the darkness that’s been following him like a shadow for as long as he could remember.

You hugged him tighter and let him cry in your arms, meanwhile losing yourself in his embrace and the way his hands made you feel so safe and needed.

This was the thing with Aegon, when things were good they were really fucking good. After those first months together you were convinced you would never want or need another man again. You two were so happy you didn’t know what you had done to deserve him.

But then things changed, he’d started feeling insecure, going out more and drinking more, feeling depressed whenever he came down from his highs and blaming it all on you.

The breakup was ugly, you had never been so mad at anyone in your life, Aegon begged and cried and promised you a million different things. You believed none of them.

It had been seven months now. You told yourself you had moved on but right now, laying in his arms with his hands caressing your hair and your back so gently while his lips pressed soft kisses to your forehead, you realized you hadn’t moved on at all.

You missed him just as much as he missed you, if not more.

You leaned back to look at him,”Aegs?”

He cupped your face, thumb tracing your cheek while he stared deep into your eyes,”What is it, baby?”

You didn’t speak, you just closed the distance between you both and softy kissed his lips. He didn’t hesitate, one hand cupping your neck to hold you close while he slowly deepened the kiss, tasting you, chasing your tongue with his.

Your hands moved through his messy hair and he pulled you even closer, kissing you over and over, not wanting to stop now that he was allowed to have you again.

“Aegon, wait,” you pulled back after a while.

“I’m sorry,” he bit his lip and leaned his head on your shoulder,”I’m sorry…I’m a mess, I shouldn’t be doing this.”

“No,” you shook your head and hugged him close. Aegon leaned into you, holding your body to his but not wanting to push things too far too fast. If you pulled away from him now he would never recover.

You leaned back to look at him after a while and noticed the tears were back in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he cried softly,”I never know what I’m doing…everything is so dark without you…and I know it’s not fair to even say that to you now…I know I hurt you too much. I wish I could take it all back and you would be with me again…I still love you so much, baby…”

You pressed your forehead to his and closed your eyes, feeling your own hot tears finally spill at his words.

“Why are you crying, sweetheart?” Aegon whispered, his hand was back to caressing your hair.

“Because…I haven’t moved on either,” you sobbed,”I’m just very good at pretending…but I still love you, Aegs. I probably always will.”

Your eyes met his and the world seemed to halt for a moment. He gently wiped your tears away with his thumb and then kissed your cheeks until you stopped crying and he could see a smile on your face again. Then he carefully leaned in and kissed your mouth again, slow but deep, just as he had before. You softly moaned into the kiss, pulling him closer and putting a smile on his face.

“You’re sure?” he asked, insecurity clouding his voice,”Sure you want this? I’m so fucked up.”

“Well, obviously so am I, why else would I take you back?” you teased him and he laughed. 

You hadn’t heard him laugh like that in so long. It made you realize once again just how badly you had missed seeing him like this. Happy, or at least something resembling it. And you knew it was because of you.

Aegon leaned in to place another quick kiss on your lips.

“I will do better this time,” he then whispered,”I promise you, I will try so hard…”

“Stop,” you cupped his face, caressing his cheek,”Don’t promise me anything. No beautiful, hollow words or plans for the future this time, no expectations and no pressure. Just us.”

He leaned into your touch and nodded his head.”Just us,” he repeated.

“All I need is for you to love me. Can you do that?”

“I don’t know how to do anything else,” he smiled softly and then pulled you down into his lap. You followed eagerly, wrapping your legs around him and feeling him cling to you with his entire body.

“Can I stay?” he whispered in your ear.

“Always,” you nodded with a smile.

Aegon couldn’t believe this was actually happening, that you still wanted him, after everything. He was determined to not let the past repeat itself this time. Not with you, not again. He would be better this time, take it day by day and do his utter best to keep the darkness at bay and let your light be his anchor in this world.

For the first time in a long while he felt like maybe he would be okay.

[frecklystars]

I have no idea if I should come back online or not. I've been offline since. my god, what. fucking April? May?? My queue only has like 10 posts so I should refill that but tbh I don't see a point if I don't really feel anything. I am just a husk, I can't enjoy anything, I am just so numb all the fucking time. I have been doing so bad and nothing is helping and I am so fucking miserable when I can't self ship. I'm in pain all the time and I need my F/Os to help me get through the day but that's so hard when I look at them and watch the movies and feel absolutely nothing. I tried watching a bunch of ryan interviews/movies/shows for the last couple of weeks and there is just. nothing

September is my bday month and every year I try really hard to be extra gentle with myself. and I originally planned to stay offline for the entire month bc I just, I don't wanna fucking be here. I hate being on this hellsite. I hate feeling pressured to get back to so many people when my energy is so low. I don't find any joy scrolling through my dashboard. I don't find joy in making edits or drawing anymore. I don't enjoy my time on here anymore bc I cannot find joy in self shipping anymore. But I don't go a day without going into fight or flight mode, or having a nightmare or a flashback, or stress vomiting, there is always something, and my Ryan F/Os were really helping me get through it for at least a year, but now it's like... the last 4 months I've just felt nothing and I feel so utterly miserable

I can't afford a cptsd therapist anymore but I try to see my regular therapist once a month if I can afford it, and she said it's best for me to try to get back online at least once in a while, bc I'm just... rotting in my room and then going to work at both of my jobs and then coming home and missing my F/Os, unable to cope with triggers since I'm not able to self ship, and just rotting again. My sleep schedule is so fucked up bc of my nightmares/panic attacks I've had every night for nearly two years. I get zero to three hours of sleep every night for the last two years. I'm exhausted all the time and! it makes sense that I'm doing poorly bc your brain makes serotonin when you're sleeping! and if I'm literally never sleeping then ofc I'm not gonna have the stupid happy chemical in my stupid brain. and I'm not eating every day since I am trying so hard to save money, and skipping meals is obviously bad for your brain too, and I'm not socializing as regularly bc I'm so goddamn depressed. so my therapist said I should try to be online again even if it's just once a week, just to make F/O edits or something. fake it til you make it, try to build that habit again. but that feels so hard! I am so numb here! and I have so many bad memories associated with the abuse I've endured that I can't log into this hellsite without just feeling so fucking awful.

I am so tired of living in fight or flight mode and getting shaky from adrenaline rushes all the time and i'm so tired of not feeling like I can trust the people around me because of how much bullshit I've had to go through in the last two years of people purposefully being kind to me in order to betray my trust and manipulate me. I really wish I could publicly talk about what happened to me. I really wish I could publicly tell you all every single little thing that I have been put through in the last 2 years. I wish I could tell you who's doing it and I wish I could post everything... obviously not for witch hunt purposes, but just so people can know what's going on and idk help me, send me support, tell me "hey it's gonna be okay" literally anything, or at the very least just so I can warn you how fucked up a group of people are and say "hey don't interact with these people I've had to actually call the police on them bc they're Fucking Insane". but I refuse to talk about my situation publicly because it won't do anything but cause drama, it will make things worse in the long run, so I stay in my own lane, I just fucking sit here, I never talk bad about anybody anywhere even in private, I never name drop, I am just trying so hard to exist and stay in my corner.

I've been so paranoid for 4 months now bc of all of the stalking I've been put thru in the last two years. I don't trust people, and it bled into self shipping so I feel like I can't trust my F/Os. I know F/Os aren't real yeah yeah I know they're fictional, but idk how else to explain it. Think of the worst possible thing someone can do to you. anything you can think of; I have been thru it. online abuse and offline abuse. my F/Os got tied into that. I was conditioned to believe that these things that were happening to me would be my F/O's desires as well. that they'd want to abuse me the same way because they love me. that I am their "most special person" and that they'd feel an "urge to hurt me". especially if I was in a skirt. especially if I looked scared. blah blah blah all this shit I was told for months and months. endured in real time and then told my F/Os would want to do the same exact thing to me because they love me. that I am only loved through violence and manipulation. because of all of this I've been put through, I genuinely believe I am only capable of being loved if it's through violence whether this is IRL or with F/Os, and anyone who is being kind to me is secretly out to get me. this is such an awful way to live and I don't know how to stop thinking like this. I don't know how to shake it off. I'm so tired.

I want to stop having an immediate stress reaction, my brain spiking my blood with adrenaline saying "you're in danger!! you're gonna die!! you're gonna die!! you need to run!!" every time I see a stupid fictional robot, or certain clothes, or colors, or. whatever. I am so sick of it. It is exhausting dealing with so much stress and anxiety every single day!! every second that you're alive!! I cannot put into words how fucking terrible it feels!!! it isn't just a "eh this happens every once in a while if I just see my trigger" thing, it's a "I feel this every goddamn second that I am awake and even when I am asleep bc I'm having nightmares about it" !!! it's hard!! it sucks! it's hard!! I can't function if I don't have my F/Os and I don't have my F/Os anymore, not in the same way. I don't feel anything for my Ryan F/Os at all right now. Barbie doesn't make me feel safe anymore bc I don't feel anything when I look at her. I can't look at pink and think "ooh barbie pink" and try to get over that trigger. I just see pink and feel tense and like I wanna throw up. I don't see Barbie as a protector anymore bc I'm so numb. I don't see Barbie as a girl's girl who would look out for me, I see her as a potential abuser. I hate this. I miss her so bad. I miss feeling safe with F/Os. I am trying really hard to get that Ryan/Barbie hyperfixation train going again but I don't know how to do that when I am so miserable. I don't know where to start. am I supposed to fake it til I make it? draw and edit and listen to music and just try?? or do I just?? watch the movies? it's not working. but even if it's not working do I just keep doing it anyways? it's like there's a brick wall in front of me and anything throwing love/joy in my direction just hits the wall and I can't absorb it.

So anyway I'm sorry to rant. I've only slept 6 hours total in the last 7 days so my brain is like. suffocating. i'm probably almost done talking. being offline hasn't helped me feel better. I think isolating myself is, uh. not good. but I really don't have the energy for dms. I can try to answer maybe like... 3 asks a week if I push myself. I feel so bad that so so so so so many people reach out to me and I just don't answer. I don't do it on purpose I just genuinely have zero energy, or if someone sends a nice ask, in the back of my head I'm always thinking "nope this is a trap. I shouldn't engage with this" and like, what if it's not a trap? what if it's genuinely just someone trying to be nice to me? I don't trust it. i hate walking on eggshells. i hate that someone can send me "hi keri have a nice day :)" and my brain is like "ah this person is spending one whole entire year pretending to be my friend so they can betray me. they're secretly on the side of [abuser] so they can try to hurt me. don't trust!!!" like. hello. i hate that i've had experiences like that, so now any person who contacts me is automatically a "possible threat" ??? it is exhausting living like that. it's hurting me. i don't think this way on purpose! i am not trying to feed/fuel these thoughts. i have a literal stress disorder. this is part of the stupid complex post traumatic stress disorder. i am! stressed! to the point of this hurting me and i am unable to function! and! idk how to fix it. it's like someone planted poisonous seeds in my brain for 2 years that have sprouted into ugly huge trees and I can't cut them down. because the bark is too strong. or something. and now there's just poison in my head that I don't know how to get rid of.

ok sorry for rambling, I don't know if I am coming back online or not. I am supposed to! I should! I really should! but I really genuinely hate this hellsite after everything i've been put through. i never enjoy my time here anymore. but also my birthday is coming up and I deserve to enjoy my birthday. I want to enjoy it. I want to get better so bad, and if being online and making edits and drawing pictures is supposed to help with that then I will try. at least a little. I want to enjoy my birthday so bad dude. i hate my birthday, I have hated my birthday for years, but this year I am so... hurt, I feel like an open bleeding wound that cannot heal, and I want to be so gentle to myself this year. I want to eat apple pie at a diner and wear my drive scorpion jacket even if im numb the whole time. I want to go to the movies and bring my barbies with me even if im numb the whole time. I want to go rock climbing. I want to eat soft serve ice cream and not feel guilty. I want to learn how to watercolor paint even if i'm gonna suck at it at first. I have 3 F/O anniversaries coming up. K on the 1st, Driver on the 18th, Lars on the 26th. I should enjoy these days. I am not looking forward to any of it. I am just. numb. but I need to try. I cannot just sit here and tell myself it's hopeless. but then again I don't have energy to do anything other than that. but whatever, I will try even if it's just, like, one single day this month where I post art or answer one (1) ask. like literally anything I will push myself to do anything I want to get better SO bad

I'm gonna fill up my queue now, I'm sorry if it seemed messy the last month, I haven't checked it. I used to always organize my queue every day to post certain amounts on certain days, time it accordingly, make everything look all nice and pretty, but I haven't done that. I don't even know if ppl notice that kind of thing or not, I think it just makes me feel better personally when I know my blog is organized. I want to try to answer one or two inbox messages every once in a while. if I don't get to your asks or dms, I'm sorry, it is nothing personal I swear to god I literally am just a zombie right now barely alive and I am trying so hard to just. survive 😭

I love u. I'm sorry my tone in this whole thing comes off very bitter, I am genuinely just fighting to stay alive one day at a time for years and years and years and the cptsd made everything so unbearable and i feel like every single second im alive is such a struggle. I hate being so negative all the time I promise I am clawing my way out of hell to try to fix it even though it hurts the whole time. i want to get better not just for myself but also because i feel so bad that i make vent posts so often. i miss self shipping. im gonna stop here or im gonna spiral even worse. goodnight/goodbye ill touch base later

[boxheadpaint]

juice induced hill depression. Back on meds again and hopefully going to get in touch with a new psych who can prescribe me something else. Have been very tired and unjoyful the past week but better now and playing modded Skyrim, initially just to make my oc in it but then just kept slamming more thangs in there. Mod that puts bunny rabbits everywhere. Also is there a mod that adds cute animal ears/suits as wearables or one that even makes the girl armor less sucks. Like im either fully leaning into the immersion breaking for self indulgence sake or im getting rid of the annoying shit.

visiting mom in Vegas earlier this month was nice except for the part where I hate Vegas. I know im not great with travel and settling into places can be a tough one for my brain but also my god it’s just evil there. Brilliantly so but still evil. I would have loved to enjoy the scenery surrounding the place more as deserts are just very beautiful and fascinating places but at no point during the day was the temperature less than a full hundred degrees Fahrenheit. It barely dropped during the night either. Between that and varying physical ailments (Oof Ouch My Digestive Sensitivities Lol) (Oof Ouch My Tendons Lol) (Oof Ouch The Agony Caused By Using Stairs Lol) it was the perfect conditions to be a miserable pile when I wanted to be with my family. As sad I was to part ways again I was not sorry to leave that place. Gained a new appreciation for changing up what I eat randomly to keep my body on its toes. At one point mom brought us to a pub and her husband asked for Diet Pepsi while I asked for regular Pepsi. Visually there’s no difference so we got handed the others pepsi and swapped. And then later after he refilled his Diet Pepsi another waiter came up and wordlessly refilled mine as well. With Diet Pepsi. Wasn’t even asked. Fucking stunned. Also went to a near dead mall that was nice anyway

stuck on brain zaps as a symptom of Specifically antidepressants withdrawal. There’s some things describing them as “mini seizures” in function. To me it’s like the body noticing the usual isn’t happening for some reason so it tries to jumpstart the brain into working good like before. universities I can go to with my theories. Back in and at it this week, hopefully to remain consistent for longer than before which will also likely help with the depression and anxiety. More people should just put stuff in their blood if they can

it can be embarrassing to express your misery more clearly to someone, specifying the fact fact thoughts running through your head. But then again it’s only embarrassing because your mind convinced you so, and will convince you that holding it in is also cruel and selfish. Finding it funny that animals probably don’t have as complex spirals and bouts of depression because they dont have a language to articulate to themselves in their own heads that something is awful in a very specific and contradicting way. Or actually no because there is still pattern recognition but that’s more a paranoia learned thing. Is there an animal that can randomly, for seemingly no reason evident to anyone including itself, experience crushing dread and self doubt. Is there an animal that feels shame besides man

had a tilt table test that was embarrassing too but for much more clear concrete reasons. Somehow didn’t know about that second part, and did complain through most of the first part because Oof Ouch Everything Hurts Lol. REALLY did not know the iv thing and had to once again sadly state that no, It has to go in the hand . I will say the experience was funny in the second part from the other ways because my first reaction was literally just “Uh Oh.” The moment I realized it was going to get worse. all I know is my blood pressure stayed consistent throughout, I don’t know what else im gonna hear about it. Hopefully something helpful.

is setting up an ABLE account difficult? Can anybody do it? It’s an issue dealt with by a lot of people but I should at least try to find a way to save money from benefits for the future or in case some stupid medical shit happens that the health won’t cover. I just looked up and saw Vinny sleeping while propping lubics head up with his foot. Hoping I can enjoy things normally again shortly,

8/26/2024, Still better than july

[aho-dapa]

A personal rant on Nesta and Elain’s relationship and how I feel about it

TW: tbh this is a very personal rant for me given that my perspective on life informs how I see these characters (mostly Elain) neglect, abuse, parentification, fucked up family dynamics basically

For framework of this post, I'm anti sjm, anti IC, and pro character nuance even when it comes to the IC

Yknow, reading ACOSF was actually so difficult as someone who really wanted to see more nuance in Nesta and Elain’s relationship

I hate that Feyre actually used Elain’s packing of Nesta’s old home behind her back as a weapon against her, that it reinforced Nesta’s isolation

I hate that we never really understand what happened between Elain and Nesta before this moment, just that somehow someway Nesta was at fault and Elain was ‘justly’ hurt by Nesta, I hate that we, as readers, never even get the possibility to decide for ourselves

I hate that when they do finally talk to each other it’s this:

Elain: “I know the circumstances got your coming here were awful, Nesta, but it doesn’t mean you need to be so miserable about it.” (In reference to Nesta literally being confined to the House of Wind after getting evicted unjustly by the IC, in which Elain was willingly used against Nesta)

Nesta: “You tell yourself there’s nothing that could have been done because it’s unbearable to think that you could have saved him, if you’d only deigned to show up a few minutes earlier.” (In reference to Elain not being able to save her father and implicitly shaming her for it, noted, this is also a response to the above which matters)

Like, the fuck??

Where was the build up to this moment? Where was the reason?

For one, it’s so gross of Elain to invalidate what Nesta is going through, and is also gross of Nesta to place that blame on Elain

It’s just fucking gross all around

And I would have been okay with it, if it was fucking resolved by the end of that huge ass book, but it’s not

They don’t even talk about it, just a small joke and a truce at that ball, and they don’t even talk about the actual painful shit they said to each other

A personal note on this topic:

I’m gonna be honest, I like Elain (to some extent) even though we don’t know too much about her. All I know are these things, she’s someone who was taken care of from a young age, and relied on Nesta and Feyre basically like how a dependent would.

And tbh, out of all the sisters, despite relating to all of them in some way, I feel like what Elain’s going through is connected to my life more personally despite it not being written from her pov. Elain has all the typical signs of a golden child. Loved and cared for and seen as a the best child but also infantilized. She’s so fucking infantilized at every fucking turn.

(TW: A personal note about abuse and neglect) I had the strange dynamic of being both the scapegoat and the golden child to my mother, whenever it suited her, I was shown off like a trophy to my extended family but also was treated like the poison that was causing my parents’ marriage to fail.

As someone who grew up disabled, not able to walk, I also relate to that depression Papa Archeron inevitably has, despite whatever we want to say about canon and neglect

Elain likely took care of him, while both Feyre and Nesta took care of her

Tbh, the sisters’ dynamic is messy and complicated, and I’m not gonna trust sjm to write it well at all

But growing up as a disabled person, not being able to make choices for myself in my own care, I can understand where Elain is coming from

From the beginning by Feyre, Elain is casted in the light of childlike ignorance and while not entirely blamed for it, is also never confronted about it. Elain is doesn’t know that she’s not doing enough for Feyre and this likely forms resentment with Feyre later on. That’s understandable.

As a kid, I grew up stable enough to have what I wanted and then had to live through poverty when we lost our house. The transition in mindset is one I wasn’t one I immediately took to. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t go out to eat, no one ever sat down to explain our money situation, and even though we were definitely going through it, it was expected of me to understand that we couldn’t do certain things

So I would innocently ask for things out of our budget and ask for expensive food without realizing, and would get blamed for the guilt my mother felt for not being able to provide for me as she wanted to. I learned to never ask for what I wanted, and it’s still something I'm learning to deal with whenever I buy something or need help

I mention this all to say that Elain does similar things in the first acotar book. She asks for something out of the budget and she asks for things without malice, merely because she wants something and thinks Feyre can give it to her

Feyre never says that they can't afford it or that she needs to buy new boots for herself, she doesn't explain this to Elain and Elain is never given the chance to say, "Oh, I didn't realize."

She's not allowed a moment of growth, she's stagnated in her childlike responses to things both because of the narrative sjm wanted to tell and because of Elain's dynamic with her family.

I don't even think Elain understands money and how it works (neither does sjm but that's a different point). It's possible she sees the deer, the fur, something new and something that they could sell in the market for, and thinks they might have enough for something she wants

It's a mistake I made so commonly in my childhood, that Feyre's resentment actually breaks my heart

That's what makes Nesta's protectiveness over Elain feel both like care and shackles

(Something sjm tried to address but did so fucking poorly, like usual)

Later on, when their wealth is restored, Elain goes back to the familiar easily, likely because she never truly got to have the mental transition both Nesta and Feyre had (and her father was actively hoping for this to happen so he was likely excited about this as much as Elain)

I also want to point out want happened in ACOSF between Elain and Nesta. I mentioned in another post the Elain likely (mostly her unconscious inner child) sees Nesta as a mother figure. That Nesta likely was the one that took care of Elain when they were younger more than her mother. Nesta likely gave Elain the kindness of her mother, the attention of her father, and Feyre was too young at this point

So I think it's understandable why she's lashing out in ACOSF to Nesta, because it's that realization that the person who's been taking care of you your whole life, the one who you can go to and lean on and not be judged by, can no longer take care of you

To some extent, Elain realizing Nesta is going through hell, she has to face losing another parental figure and her first reaction is likely to cling onto that relationship even though it's unhealthy for both of them

Its like a child asking why their parent can't take of them, isn't that their job?? Except Nesta isn't Elain's mother and never should have been put in that position

Elain reacts in indignation and anger and hurt because that's what a child does, and Elain is going through this now because she's never had the chance to before, now she's being forced to

She has to grow up and she's petulantly digging her heels in

On the note of ACOSF, in the scene where she and Nesta talk (where I pulled those quotes from the beginning from), Nesta is not in the right head space at all to deal with Elain and what she's going through

Nesta is just point blank not able to do it. Mentally, she already feels like someone undeserving of love and is a horrible person. She's deteriorating and Elain just comes up and acts like she's not dying inside.

(Fuck sjm btw for doing this to Nesta)

In fact, Elain can see that Nesta is miserable but says she should basically be handling it with more grace. Which, is fucked, but it is something that is commonly told to literally anyone going through shit and by people not willing to be sympathetic to that

(It could almost be internalized misogyny because women are expected to deal with things gracefully or 'in a manner befitting a lady' but that's another discussion for another day)

What I want to point out in this discussion is how Nesta interacts with Elain because we honestly can't for sure know Elain's POV (despite this whole post projecting on her because sjm doesn’t give us enough for me to satisfactorily understand the character she’s writing after nearly FIVE books but whatever. Skill issue I guess)

A note on how they view each other and how they talk about each other in ACOSF:

This is honestly like?? Just a thing, but the implication is that Elain is pampered here, she wouldn't do this or that. It's framed as a bad thing, especially since at this point the stairs are representative of Nesta’s freedom being held hostage and Elain just gets to come and leave without consequence.

From Nesta's POV:

Someone had brought Elain here, since there was no way in hell she had climbed those ten thousand steps.

She stopped a few feet away. As if holding herself back from the embrace she might have given.

Like Nesta was some sort of disease-ridden leper.

Like, again, this comes from a distorted view Nesta has of herself, not helped by the IC at all. It's likely that Elain just know how to bridge the gap between them that has formed.

Elain had been the ghost then, too thin, with her thoughts turned inward.

Somehow Nesta had become the ghost.

Worse than a ghost. A wraith, whose rage and hunger were bottomless, eternal.

Elain had only needed time to adjust. But Nesta knew she herself needed more than that.

It was always that way between them: Elain, sweet and oblivious, and Nesta, the snarling wolf at her side, poised to shred anyone who threatened her.

In ACOSF, Nesta and Elain have switched places from ACOMAF when Elain was honestly going through it. Regardless, both of their mental states have been used to gain high ground with each other in this fandom and I'm like, not going to do that, that's not the point.

Rather this comes back to my previous point. Nesta has had to take care of Elain, likely as a mother would. It's the resulting parentification Nesta has endured.

This is also... Like yes, needing more or less time to adjust in general, especially to a traumatic situation, is morally neutral. What makes me pause of the self woe is me of Nesta saying she's worse than Elain in nearly every way. This is a result of her mental state. But it's also not helpful to either herself OR Elain. This instead puts Elain on a pedestal, in her own box.

WHICH IS INTERESTING BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE: going hc now but, with how Nesta was groomed by her own mother, it wouldn't surprise me if Nesta also 'parents' in this way towards Elain. Except Elain gets to be everything Nesta didn't get to be in the eyes of her mother; perfect, beautiful, gentle, demure, a lady. Elain, to Nesta, deals with her own grief more respectably than Nesta, which is likely an external expectation placed on her from a young age.

There is also the idea that Nesta has more patience and gentleness with others than herself.

Elain had accepted his death as inevitable. She hadn't bothered to fight for him, as if he hadn't been worth the effort, precisely as Nesta herself knew she herself wasn't worth the effort.

Another comparison Nesta makes between herself and Elain. Except there's also this element of protection to it. Often, Nesta is willing to be that 'wolf' to protect Elain, the innocent and oblivious. But again, this also places expectations on Elain, that box her in.

"...Go back to Feyre and your little garden."

Again, with how Nesta essentially views Elain's grieving process. But instead, I'd say this comes across more as a twisted mess of Nesta's own unresolved feelings towards her father and also equating herself as him. He was their father, and in many ways Nesta played that role for Elain. When she hates her father, I suppose in some ways, she is also hating herself in this moment.

The unsaid said here is also Nesta's survivor's guilt. I think it's not far fetched to say that (presumably) just like Elain, she wanted to save her father and she wanted to 'be early' to help him.

"She's not getting any better. She's not even trying."

This is also likely Nesta acknowledging that they've split. In ACOTAR through ACOWAR, it has always been Nesta and Elain, Elain and Nesta. But in ACOSF, Nesta feels betrayed by Elain because of Feyre's actions. People hate the IC and Rhysand for Nesta's imprisonment, but this is also a product of Feyre using her authority and deciding Nesta's bodily autonomy with her own 'goodwill' in mind.

And Elain famously has always had a little garden. But it's also an isolation from hurt and pain, it's a place of comfort, and it's always been a place where Elain belongs. This time, Nesta is saying that Elain belongs there (despite whatever Elaim could want).

This could also reflect Nesta’s bitterness about being trapped.

Nesta shot to her feet. "No."

Now, this is what Elain says about Nesta. Which tbh, is understandable for her POV. This is after Nesta says those quoted words to her. But this is also ultimately a result of no one acknowledging the pain and honestly disgusting thing they've done to Nesta. Elain expects that Nesta will get better in an environment that's actively worsening her mental state. The reasons why Nesta does 'get better' is always connected to something outside of the House of Wind with Gwyn and Emerie. The library, despite being close, is not the same as the HoW, so it makes sense that Nesta would go there to escape.

Elain remained in the doorway, her face pale but her expression harder than Nesta had ever seen it. "You do not decide what I can and cannot do, Nesta."

... "You will not go looking for it."

I think this is honestly this crux of their dynamic. Nesta is the 'mother' and Elain is the 'child' despite them actually being sisters. Nesta tells Elain what to do, as a parent would would their 'power' over a child. Except Elain is rejecting this.

This is... a dynamic that is honestly just done a major disservice by sjm. Neither of them acknowledge anything in a meaningful manner and none of them resolve anything at all. ACOSF establishes dynamic poorly and does an even poor job of doing honestly anything about it. Nesta instead is beat down so much that she just breaks down and accepts it. And Elain doesn't grow in any way either. Instead, because sjm and her characters do not actually acknowledge the reality of the conflicts they have, Elain just comes off as more childish and spoiled, which is like, also horrible for her character. A clown show is what this whole series is.