#i weep i watched yesterday and i cried

[whumpsday]

I Deserved It

Whump Oneshot - Writing masterlist here

content: time loop, pet whump, failed escape attempt, guns, major character death, whumper turned caretaker, suicide

Whumpmas in July Day 3: "___ deserved it."

i wrote this all in one sitting and when i looked up it was 4am. starting WIJ off with a bang!!

-

Day 1

Devran didn’t know it was day one of anything at the time, though he certainly learned fast.

The little shit had tried to escape. It had never done that before, and he certainly wasn’t a fan of it. He’d thought his training was getting him somewhere, Emereo seemed almost completely obedient. But somehow, it had all gotten away from him.

Not enough for the pet to actually succeed, of course.

His captive was weeping in a crumpled heap on the floor by the time Devran was done with it. Devran was careful to never go further than what he could fix on his own–it wasn’t like he could take the damn thing to a hospital without getting arrested. Still, the bruised, broken figure kneeling at his feet seemed thoroughly cowed, and the fresh, smoking brand on its shoulder blade ensured that it would never forget its place again.

He grabbed it by the collar, the pet’s eyes flashing with terror as it was brought up again.

“Master–” Emereo gasped, “Master, please, I’m sorry! No more, I won’t run again! I’ve learned my lesson!” It winced away from him as much as it could without pulling back.

Devran scoffed. “Clearly, you’ve learned nothing. Begging for the punishment you’ve duly earned to stop?”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” it cried. It opened its mouth, then closed it again, no doubt biting back more pleas for it to end.

“You deserved it.” He shook the helpless thing a bit, watching it choke on the collar for a moment before moving with it. “Say it!”

“I–I deserved it, sir,” Emereo sobbed.

Devran dropped it, then kicked it one last time for good measure. Emereo whimpered and curled in on itself, every muscle in its body tensed and waiting.

Exactly how he wanted it.

He dragged it back over to the wall, clipping its collar to the chain there. “No food today or tomorrow. You’re dismissed.”

Emereo slumped over. “Th-thank you, Master.”

Devran left it there, locking the basement up as he went upstairs. Two days nursing its injuries in the dark with no food should give it the time it needed to reflect on its actions.

He went on with his day, not paying any more mind to the crying mess in his basement aside from when he cleaned the branding iron.

Later, he would swear that somehow, when he went to bed that night, he could feel that something wasn’t right.

-

Day 2

“I–I deserved it, sir,” Emereo sobbed.

Devran blinked.

He was back in the basement, his fist coiled around his pet’s collar, just like yesterday. Emereo’s brand was even still smoldering, he noted.

He dropped the wretched thing, taking a moment to collect himself while Emereo shook on the ground. He must have been dreaming, right? The last thing he remembered was falling asleep.

“Sir?” Emereo squeaked.

“Stupid,” he muttered, turning away and back up the stairs. Though he didn’t bother closing the door, the Emereo of his dreams had learned its lesson just as well as the real one and stayed put.

Devran straight up to bed, and though it was still light out, managed to get himself to drift off into a nap.

-

Day 3

“I–I deserved it, sir,” Emereo sobbed.

Devran was not the slow sort.

He only gripped the pet’s collar tighter, drawing it up with a yank. “What’s going on?” he barked.

“I deserved it!” Emereo repeated, pupils dilated. Its hands raised slightly, then lowered as it snuffed out the instinct to loosen the pressure around its neck. “I’m so sorry, Master! Please!”

“Forget about the stupid escape!” Devran threw the pet to the floor, hard. Its skull cracked audibly against the concrete, though it did not lose consciousness. “You don’t remember, do you?”

Emereo’s breaths came quick as it wracked its mind, desperate to placate its master. “R-remember what, sir? I remember my lessons! I won’t forget again!”

“Great. Just great.” Devran stormed upstairs and locked the door behind him. If he was going to figure this out, it certainly wouldn’t be aided by a stupid pet who had no idea what was even happening.

Internet searches returned only science fiction. Obviously, this was out of the realm of the ordinary. He was on his own, but Devran was nothing if not adaptable.

And clearly, he had all the time in the world to figure it out.

After a day of fruitless research, he checked himself into a hotel for the night. Perhaps it was the bed.

-

Day 4

“I–I deserved it, sir,” Emereo sobbed.

It was not the bed.

Devran sighed, dropped the pet, and headed back upstairs without another word. He started writing ideas in his journal, but scrapped that–it would all be erased anyway. He would simply have to remember everything.

He brewed a pot of coffee in pursuit of his next endeavor. Every time he slept, he reset. So he simply would not sleep. Obviously unsustainable, but maybe if he crossed some sort of threshold, time would go forward as it was meant to again. It wasn’t like he’d never pulled an all-nighter before. He would aim to pull two, at least.

On the bleary 40th hour of his endeavor, Devran was pulled from his countless shaky-handed cup of coffee by a soft knocking.

“Master?” came a small voice.

At least it was something to distract from the sleeplessness. Devran opened the door. “What?”

Emereo backed up, almost tripping over itself as it fled to the bottom of the stairs. “C-could I have some water, please? My bowl’s been empty… I’m sorry to bother you. It’s just…”

It was very, very clearly sorry. It was apparent that it would rather be doing anything else at the moment.

Devran rolled his eyes. “Stay.”

The pet obeyed as Devran filled a cup with water, brought it back, and tossed it down the stairs, spilling it all over the floor. It could lick it off the ground if it wanted it so badly. He was too tired to give a shit. “There’s your water.”

“Thank you, sir!” Emereo called as he slammed the door back.

Devran returned to his pacing until he was simply too exhausted, only daring to sit down for just a moment.

-

Day 5

“I–I deserved it, sir,” Emereo sobbed.

“Damn it!” Devran shouted, throwing his pet to the floor. It shrieked, covering its face as it cowered away.

Back to the drawing board.

He stared curiously at the pet curled on the ground. He’d been focusing on himself and his behaviors to stop the loop, but why did he always wake up here? Was it simply random chance, or could Emereo be connected to this, somehow? Even if it couldn’t remember?

Devran lowered Emereo, then released its collar. “Have you ever seen Groundhog Day?”

“W-what?” it asked, completely tense as it looked up at him.

“The movie, the one about the man trapped in a time loop. Keep up.” Devran snapped his fingers.

Emereo immediately positioned itself into a kneeling position. “Yes, sir! I’ve seen Groundhog day. M-my siblings and I used to watch it on the actual holiday.” It covered its mouth suddenly, like it had said something it shouldn’t have.

“I’m stuck in a time loop. Like in Groundhog Day. Do you understand?” Devran asked.

It was immediately clear that the pet thought he was losing his mind. It looked up at him questioningly, trying and failing to hide its obvious disbelief. “...Yes, sir. And… should I be, um, doing something?”

“You should be glad your punishment’s interrupted. I keep resetting right then, why is that?” he muttered.

“I don’t know, sir. I’m sorry.” Emereo’s voice was quiet, trying hard not to trip on unsteady ground.

“Useless.” Devran left it down there and headed upstairs, then out the door.

His friends were even more useless than the internet had been.

-

Day 6

“I–I deserved it, sir,” Emereo sobbed.

Devran dropped it, heading upstairs without another word. It had been a while since he’d opened this drawer for anything other than cleaning, and, well, he’d always wanted to try this. Either it would break the loop and he’d be free, or it wouldn’t and there would be no consequences.

The pet’s eyes grew wide as it looked up the stairs when he returned, straight up the barrel.

“Sir?” it breathed, not daring to move a muscle.

“Good night, pet.”

With that, his basement was painted red. Devran didn’t bother cleaning it up.

-

Day 7

“I–I deserved it, sir,” Emereo sobbed.

It was strange, seeing his pet so full of life after blasting its brains all over the walls. Devran released it to the floor, taking a step back.

“You used to watch Groundhog Day every Groundhog Day with your siblings,” he said simply.

Despite its aching body and cracked ribs, Emereo moved swiftly to prostrate itself, bending until it was the utter picture of submission.

“Please don’t hurt them,” it choked out, “I’ll do anything, Master, anything, I promise I’ll never try to run again, just please. I’ll be such a good pet for you, I swear! You’ll never need to discipline me again! Please don’t, oh God, please–”

“I’m not going to kidnap your fucking family. Get a grip.” Devran snapped, and Emereo in turn snapped up to an upright kneeling position. It cried out as the sudden movement jostled its injuries, but did not complain.

In all their time together, he had never seen it quite this distressed. Devran pocketed the idea to ensure future obedience, once he’d dealt with this damn loop.

“You told me this. I’m trapped in a time loop,” he explained. “Do you believe me now?”

“Yes, sir!” The pet was unreadable this time, its mind clearly elsewhere.

“Listen.” Devran snapped again, and Emereo flinched. “Every day for the past week, I’ve woken up to you crying here, and nothing I’ve tried has worked. I’m half-convinced you’re somehow involved with this.”

“I didn’t!” Emereo insisted, fresh tears brimming. “I s-swear, sir, I didn’t, I’m sorry I tried to escape, but I didn’t–”

“Not like that. In the more… catalytic sense,” he corrected.

Emereo pursed its lips.

“What?” Devran demanded. “Spit it out. I only have all day.”

“H-have…” It cut itself off. “I’m afraid I’ll be… punished again, sir. I don’t want to disrespect you.”

“You’re disrespecting me more by disobeying my direct order to spit it out.”

“Have you ever seen Groundhog Day, sir?” Emereo asked. It put its arm up to guard its face, as if that would do anything.

Ah. Of course that would be the first thing the stupid pet thought of. He hadn’t seen the movie itself, but it had wormed its way into popular culture enough for him to get the gist: a man is trapped in a time loop until he betters himself as a person.

“Very fucking funny. That’s a movie, this is real life.” Devran turned to leave it once more, then stopped.

Why not? He might as well try everything.

“You know what?” He turned back toward the pet.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Emereo wailed. “Please, I didn’t want to say it, you ordered me to!”

“Go.” Devran stepped aside, gesturing up the stairs.

Emereo shook its head, frantic. “I’ve learned, sir. I promise. I’ll never run again, never, never.”

“I said to fucking go.” Devran grabbed it by the collar and dragged it upstairs, throwing it out the door. “Don’t come back.”

He shut the door in its bewildered face.

It wasn’t even an hour later that police showed up to arrest him.

Devran didn’t particularly mind. If it stuck, he would still be imprisoned for less time here than he would be if it didn’t.

-

Day 8

“I–I deserved it, sir,” Emereo sobbed.

Devran abandoned the pet once more to work on his own. While Emereo’s idea was juvenile at best, there was a kernel of worth in it: perhaps there was some use in looking to time loop narratives. If someone else had ever escaped his predicament, perhaps they’d write a book or script about it. It wasn’t like he was lacking time.

He threw some food and water down for the pet so he wouldn’t be disturbed, then set to work.

After Groundhog Day, The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, and Happy Death Day, he fell asleep halfway through 1408.

-

Day 9

“I–I deserved it, sir,” Emereo sobbed.

It had only been just over a week, but the spot Devran had left off in his old life was slowly starting to lose its meaning. He couldn’t find any energy to be angry about the escape attempt anymore.

“Up,” Devran ordered, releasing its collar.

Emereo struggled to its feet. “Yes, sir.”

Devran led it upstairs. “Go sit on the couch.”

“Yes, sir.” Emereo collapsed there, whimpering as it tried to find some semblance of comfort with its injuries.

“Your punishment is over. I’m going to be watching some movies and TV shows. If you’re good, you can stay and join me for lunch and dinner,” Devran offered. Perhaps the recent watch of Groundhog Day had made him soft after all.

The pet wiped its eyes. “Thank you, Master. I’ll be good.”

He put on 1408 again, fast-forwarding until he got to the point he’d fallen asleep at. The pet watched with rapt attention, not seeming to mind having missed the beginning of the movie. It did not speak at all during its run, only looking away to try and fail to spot the brand now taking residence behind its shoulder.

After a horrific torment at the hands of a cursed hotel room, the protagonist ended up setting it ablaze and escaping. Devran had already successfully fallen asleep outside his house, so that didn’t help at all.

“This wasn’t the original ending,” Emereo piped up suddenly. “They changed it because test screeners thought the director’s vision was too much of a downer. There’s actually four endings, ‘cause they made a bunch trying to find a good one for theaters, they included them all in the DVD release. He dies in the fire in the original one.”

Devran turned to look at it.

Emereo shied away. “I-I used to watch a lot of horror movies. Master.”

“Hm.” Well, that was equally as useless. If dying was the only way to escape the loop, he’d be dead after he escaped, and it would be pointless. “Lunch time, I think.”

It turned out that getting through all the movies and staying awake was easier with Emereo’s commentary. It slowly opened up as Devran encouraged it. It even gave recommendations.

-

Day 10

“I–I deserved it, sir,” Emereo sobbed.

Devran lowered his hold slowly, then released it. That brand really did look nasty. All that bright-eyed babbling from yesterday was gone, now.

“Punishment’s over. Come on.” Devran helped it up, his hold firm even as Emereo flinched from his touch. “No more hurting for now.”

Emereo was able to get up the stairs much faster with help. Devran even applied some burn cream to its brand and gave it some ibuprofen for the pain.

“Thank you, Master,” it said after it downed the pills. “You’re… more merciful than I’d expected. Thank you. I really won’t try to run again. I’ve learned.”

It was a pathetically low bar, but it was also the most kindness Devran had ever allowed it at once. This was how he’d imagined it in the beginning, when he’d pictured training a human pet: a loyal, devoted companion, after the pesky conditioning was out of the way. He’d seen others in his circles accomplish the same. He’d thought for a while that they’d simply chosen better victims, and he was stuck with this one now that he couldn’t let it go without the police on his tail. Maybe it just required a gentler hand.

“Good. Maybe I’ve been too harsh with you, and that’s why you felt the need to run,” Devran conceded. “We can both learn from this. A better pet and a better owner.”

He chanced a soft pat on the head. Emereo only flinched a little.

“I’d like that, sir,” Emereo agreed. There was no doubt in Devran’s mind that it wanted to be free more, but its words were sincere nonetheless.

-

Devran fell into a routine.

At the start of each day, he took care of Emereo, learning more and more what words were most effective in calming him down–a he now, eventually–as he treated the injuries he’d inflicted. He made lunch for the two of them, then did something related to the loop. Research or an attempt to break it. As the days went by, he grew lazier and lazier with that, sometimes skipping it altogether as he grew more sure there was no way out after all.

He spent the rest of the day relaxing with his beloved pet, falling into a kind of peace. Emereo never reacted well when he tried to free him or take him outside, only causing more distress after the punishment he’d just taken. So he stayed.

-

Day 259

“I–I deserved it, sir,” Emereo sobbed.

“Good, there you go. It’s over now, I promise. You’re going to be alright.” Devran unclipped the collar from Emereo’s neck and tossed it aside. “You did such a good job. I’m not going to hurt you again. Let’s treat those injuries, okay? Let me help you up the stairs.”

Emereo’s face was the picture of relief. Devran had seen it hundreds of times. “Thank you, Master.”

It bothered Devran that this was the reset point. If only it could have been an hour earlier, before he’d caused so much pain. He’d even prayed for it, during his brief stint turning toward the church for an answer to his loop. But he always woke in the same spot.

After Emereo was all treated, Devran wrapped him in a blanket, brought him to the couch, and served him his favorite food: grilled cheese. It was about the most content someone recently-tortured could look, but through it all, there was always that undercurrent of pain and fear.

It was cruel, really. Devran had made his peace with the loop, but Emereo was the one that truly suffered for it, even if he couldn’t remember.

By this point, there was only one thing he hadn’t tried. He had mulled it over for quite a while, and he’d finally made up his mind. It was a bit drastic, but if it was the only way to free Emereo from his daily torment, he had to at least try, didn’t he?

He took his journal and wrote the names of everyone else he could think of, then tore out the page, folding it in half.

“Emereo? There’s something I need you to do,” he said as he joined him back downstairs.

“Yes, Master?” he asked, suddenly just a little more tense. Devran hated that. He wondered if Emereo would ever lose that fear, if he spent some years away from here. Away from him.

He handed Emereo the paper. “You don’t need to read this, it won’t make sense to you anyway. These are my… friends. If you ever get out of here, give this to the police, okay?”

Emereo looked lost, but that was alright. He didn’t need to understand just yet. “Um, yes, sir.”

“Good. You’re free to do as you please. Use the phone, take a walk outside, whatever you like. You won’t be punished.” Devran left him there and locked himself in his bedroom. He didn’t want Emereo to be the one to find him, even if it reset and he wouldn’t remember.

“Well, here goes nothing.” Devran clicked the safety off and shot himself in the head.

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event:

@whumpmasinjuly

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Best QL of 2023: Favorite Lines

Okay so I am slightly over my one year mark in the BL Fandom, and have watched over the past like...12-14 months a little under 100 shows, so I am forcing myself to stick to the shows that aired in 2023 or else I would never be able to finish this. But I saw @abstractelysium do this so I had to climb aboard:

Top Five Lines that Lived Rent-Free In My Brain This Year:

"Have you been well? Without me?" - Shin Ki Tae, Our Dating Sim, Ep 4

Y'ALL THIS FUCKING LINE. KNIFE. CHEST. EVERY TIME! This line sits on the same level of absolute and total emotional devastation for me as the "I just want things to be nice for him" link in Big Eden.

"Are you tired, Uncle Jim?" - Li Ming, Moonlight Chicken, Ep 8

Jim and Li Ming's relationship just makes me absolutely so fucking emotional. I love them individually, I love them together, and I love how much Jim does for his community. But no one ever asks him this. And it is so striking to me that Li Ming is finally the one to demonstrate how much he understands and appreciates everything Jim does not only for him but for the entire community when he ass him that question.

"My family is old fashioned. I kept everything in my heart and didn't want to tell anyone until I was 15. My family went to Europe with Wa's family. We saw two women kissing on the street. I saw her and wanted to talk to her. I want to know how she did it. I want to release it like them. But Wa's mother and I...You can probably imagine. A pair of old-fashioned women who think same-sex love is wrong...That's when I realized I wasn't the only one feeling terrible. When we got back that night she broke down and cried. No one knew why. I asked her if it was about the afternoon incident. She asked me if a kiss between two women was wrong. I said no. It's just like two men kissing. It's not wrong. On that night a 15 year old boy and a 13 year old girl held each other and cried." -Sailom, Wedding Plan, Ep. 6

Okay this isn't a line, it's a monologue but holy fucking shit this was such a beautiful speech, and I will quote @bengiyo here and say "I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE HATED THIS MAN." He has spent so much of his life in the closet protecting not only himself but especially Yiwa. Sailom was going to go through with the wedding just to ensure that Yiwa and Marine could be together without anyone prying.

"This is as tender as I can be. Someone like me." -Mhok, Last Twilight, Ep. 4

Honestly you could replace the first sentence with whatever you want, the part that sticks in my brain the most is "someone like me" because I know that Mhok must have heard shit like that his entire life, and Day is here saying it in a way that I don't think Mhok takes as an actual insult or passing of judgement. I like that the line is used whenever Mhok does show who he truly is and how much tenderness or warmth he is actually capable of in a subversion of the expectations placed upon him.

"But you know, I already knew your preferences so well. When I go shopping with Kakei-san, he talks about you all the time...He says it with a smile" -Kayoko, What Did You Eat Yesterday?, Season 2 Episode 11

THE WEEP I WEPT WHEN KAYOKO TOLD KENJI HOW MUCH SHIRO TALKS ABOUT HIM. This entire second season of WDYEY Shiro has just continuously shown so much beautiful beautiful growth and my heart twists with pride every single time I see him looking more relaxed and smiley. WDYEY is the most perfect show to ever exist.

[six-white-venus]

UHMM uhm. thoughts on strays

Dear God,

I am- you must know my name already, right? After all, I’m your child. My mother tells me you used to be a shepherd. My hair is white like that of a sheep. You must’ve let me go astray. What a bad master you are.

Dear God,

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.

Dear God,

Father (I can call you that, right? I’m your son, after all), won’t you take care of ma? She’s sick, and she screams way too much these days. You will take care of her, right? Ma tells me you are everywhere. I think I saw you yesterday. The doctor looks an awful lot like you when she tells me ma’s gonna be alright. I see you, father. You have a pretty smile.

Dear God,

I kissed a boy today. He tastes like apples.

Dear God,

I haven’t seen the boy I kissed in a week. The doctor won’t look me in the eyes anymore. I can’t see you. Where are you?

Dear God,

Would you come running if I burn the words that praise you? Would you come running, not for your kin or your children, but for yourself?

I must say, fire looks prettier than your smile. I rather like it. The smell of your beloved bible burning stings my nose. How very sweet.

GOD,

IT HURTS. IT HURTS. MOTHER CARVED MY EYE OPEN WITH A CROSS. NOW MY EYE BEARS THE CROSS YOU HUNG ON. HOW AWFUL. IT HURTS. I CAN SEE YOU.

Father,

Mother died today. The doctor cried. I see you. Do you know how I figured that was you, right there?

There was no sorrow in those tears.

God,

What do I call you, now that I have deemed you unworthy of prayer? You are not human. You are not holy. You are cruel and twisted. You, do you exist? No. No, you exist. If you don’t exist, then that means I am my own God. Then that means I am the one who hates me so. You exist. Can you see me? I can’t see you.

I think I know what to call you. Coward sure does have a good ring to it.

Coward,

No one knows I talk to you.

I laugh when someone brings up your name when I’m in the room. I spit on your existence. I don’t pray. But I talk to you. Because it’s soothing to pretend you’re here. You villain. It’s easier to pretend I’m just a stray searching for its way back to Bethlehem. Easier to pretend there is no freedom for a stray. I roam the streets searching for you with my leash in my mouth, whimpering, weeping, howling. It’s terrifying to be alone. So I talk. If I am the cause of my own demons, then what’s adding one more to the roster?

Demon,

I made a priest go mad with anger today. In my defense, he kissed me back. I was the one who let go, too. A perfect gentleman. He told me I would never know of the lord ever again. I wanted to tell him: you silly thing. I have known him my whole life.

He is a stray stuck on the top of a lonely mountain. He is your father, the one that beats you black and blue for your own good. He is the light that blinds you. He is the filth that spills out of your mouth. He’s the hands you pulled me closer with. He is the holiest sin. To be holy is to be sinful. To sin is a thing of beauty. Beauty has always been bloody. I know God. He is the bloodiest one of them all.

Dear God,

I like to talk to you because one day, when I find my way home, I can fall to my knees in front of you. Father, look at these teeth you’ve given me. Father, I will promise to make you holy again. Father, why are you screaming? Father, don’t be scared, it all happens for a reason. Did you know a stray doesn’t cross the path of another in fear that the other will sink its teeth in its fur? Is that way you hid from me for so long, Father?

Father, look at these teeth you’ve given me. My hair was never sheep-white, was it? It has always been the white of Lilith’s fangs. I will see you again, Father. You would be proud to see the man your son has grown to be.

Can you hear me, Father? Soon, I will be the holiest (bloodiest) of them all. Watch out for my teeth, father. Watch out for the one stray you never came back for.

[inlovewithregencyera]

A letter from Maximilian Worthington to Frederick Worthington:

July 8th, 1817

Often, I am haunted by the fear of judgment for expressing my emotions so freely, save for you alone am I truly able to confide in. Today was extremely hard for me because it would’ve been Mama’s fiftieth birthday. I remember her death so clearly in the back of my mind, just as if it were yesterday. I returned from my daily ride, shortly before the usual dinner. I picked Mama a handful of daisies hoping to lift her spirit as she had been so melancholy with the loss of my dear sister the year prior. I hastily walked up to her chamber, knocked, and received no answer. Knocking once more and still hearing nothing, I entered the room, only to find her lifeless body limp and sprawled across the bed. I screamed for Father, who rushed from his study, and upon seeing his dear wife, collapsed and was immediately consumed by tears. His scream was heard all over Ivyhurst, as Isabella came immediately from the drawing room. We were all overtaken by grief, and sprawled on the floor in our despair. Miss Hurst, Bell’s governess, gently took the poor desolate girl away from the scene. I attempted to console my dear Father and it seemed my mind had gone blank. I don’t know how long I sat there with him weeping into my arms, perhaps it was an hour or two because when I looked out the window the sky was pitch black. Papa refused for anyone to come near her body, and told Reverend Smith to be damned to the depths of hell. When the funeral furnisher and undertaker finally arrived, he could not part with the corpse of his beloved Phia and therefore attacked both men who tried to get her. Because of this, he was given one last night alone with her, and he didn’t sleep. He held her in his arms and wept into her bosom the whole night, begging God to do the irreversible and take him instead. He said it wasn’t right that a man's sweet little daughter and now his beloved wife must go before him. I sat with Bell the whole night who cried herself to sleep in my arms. I didn’t sleep and had no more tears to cry, so I just sat there with my right leg joining my heart in numbness. At the crack of dawn, Father called us to embrace Mama’s lips and say a last farewell. I knew this kiss would be the last I should ever bestow upon on the woman who held all my affection. In the evening, she lay in the chapel with all the servants and the few people she held dearest to her heart around her coffin. The only person missing was you, as Papa blamed the entirety of your household for her demise, thus you were forbidden from coming. The daisies I picked for her were placed into her hands, and that was my final gift to my mother. She was taken to Thornfield before nightfall, to be reunited with the vessel of her daughter just as her spirit had been. Papa refused to watch her be put into a grave as he said he would jump into it with her, and Bell and I knew our hearts couldn’t handle that same sighting we saw less than a year ago with the death of our Elle. I watched the hearse head for the gates, and before it left, I kept telling myself that it was a nightmare. I hoped it would return with haste and bring back my nurturer, my savior, my most cherished Mama-but it never did.

[thecapricunt1616]

Goddess - Chapter One Steve Harrington

♡ Chapter Inspo: Lyrics - "Lay all your love on me" (ABBA) " It was like shooting a sitting duck. A little small talk, a smile, and baby I was stuck. I still don't know what you've done with me; A grown-up woman should never fall so easily..."

♡ Summary: Steve x Persephone do some heavy flirting, Robin is grossed out, but- She forgives Steve since he picks a movie for the 3 of them containing their mutual favorite - tits.

♡ W/C: 1,816

♡ Posted Date: 03/09/2024

♡ A/N: It's here!!! It's finally here! This is a rewrite of a fic I wrote a few months ago & posted to AO3 - I am such a softie for some Stevey omgg I really love him!! IMO He is one of the most important characters in the entire show, his character growth is beautiful, Genuinely - as a Character Steve Is so complex and wonderful and such a good person, so I had to write for him hehe!

♡ Warnings for BTC: None really! Oh - Robin getting a pack of gum to the face for being a cheeky bitch, and swearing.

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

𝓟𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓮𝓹𝓱𝓸𝓷𝓮'𝓼 𝓟.𝓞.𝓥. -

I'm awoken to a sudden rapping on my door, “Persephone!!” Robin said as she flung my bedroom door open, her toothbrush hanging out of her mouth. “Dude- you seriously fell back asleep? We need to be leaving in 5 minutes! I am not the person to be timekeeper!” I sit up quickly, fuck- fell back asleep again. 

I jumped up out of bed quickly, my pajamas wrinkled from sleep. “Uh-” I lift my hand quickly, wiping dried drool from the corner of my mouth. “Sorry- sorry,” I stumble past her over tiredly to my dresser, digging out a pair of jeans and a striped blue sweater. 

“Dude- Steve is my friend, but he told me yesterday that if I’m late one more time and he doesn’t write me up, the GM is gonna fire him - Hurry UP!” she said annoyed as she returned to the bathroom. I stripped my pajamas off quickly.

By the time I’d gotten outside and hopped in the driver's seat of my mom’s wood-paneled station wagon that’d been passed down to me when she died, starting it quickly and peeling out of the driveway, we were already a good 5 minutes behind, but I didn’t doubt that I could make it up if I just focused really hard while driving.

 “I don’t know how we haven't gotten in an accident yet” Robin mutters as I slow down briefly at the stop sign to be sure no one is coming before speeding off again.

“If we were in one, Steve would be a real ass to give you a write-up” I teased, earning a giggle from her. 

We got to the video store in one piece thankfully, and pulled into a parking spot. “Comin’ in?” she asked, grabbing her backpack from the back. 

“Yup, wanna pick out a movie for t’night, we're still getting Chinese right?” I questioned. She nods with a smile popping open her door and stepping out.

“Wouldn’t miss it, but please not another romance- I can’t handle your weeping” she teased, I giggled a bit, nudging her with my hip.

“You cried too! The Rachel Papers was fuckin’ amazing! You can’t deny.” I pulled the door open for us and Steve’s head popped up from the paperwork he was looking at on the counter, a stray adorable clump of hair falling over his forehead with the movement, causing him to sweep it back with his hand absentmindedly. 

He glances at the clock on the wall, smiling “15 seconds and you’dve been fired” he jokes, causing Robin to snort a laugh as she walks behind the counter, dropping her backpack in a heap on the floor.

“Sure like you’d lose your best employee right?” she replied, causing him to laugh a bit. 

“What brings you in, goddess? How may I be of service? ” he teased me with that boyish smile of his. I rolled my eyes lightly, biting back an amused grin. 

“You’ll never stop calling me that, mm?” I wandered over to the romance section to which Robin groans. 

“Shes here to torture me. Apparently, a ride to work every day means she always gets to choose the movies we watch, Steve can you puhhhhleeease start bringing me again?” She whined dramatically, causing Steve to chuckle. 

“You like romance, mm?” He follows me into the isle. I felt my heart quicken in my chest, butterflies swarming my stomach. I’d thought Steve was so cute ever since I’d moved here, but I’m far too shy to make a move myself- and he’s one of Robins best friends. It feels like it’s breaking girl code, if not family code to not make a move on one of your cousin's best friends. 

Even if they were as charismatic, and kind, and handsome as Steve Harrington. 

“Mmhmm” I hummed, stopping and picking up a random movie, hoping he was just coming back here to do some work. 

“That one’s no good” he plucked the copy of Love Story out of my hands, looking over the back “Yeah, this one’s a bore. You want somethin’ really steamy?” He takes a movie off the second to top shelf and extends it to me. 

I smile a bit “Manhattan? Really? Didn’t peg you as a Woody Allen guy” I turn it over to read the excerpt. Robin makes a dramatic ‘bleh’ noise causing me to snort. 

“Ew! He seems like a total skeez.” She said and I giggled, looking up at Steve, then over at Robin, before back at him again. 

“I guess it’s a no go…” I said softly, gently offering it to him. 

“Robin!” He looks back at her and she looks up from the stack of movies she was coding into the computer. “There’s boobies.” He stated, raising his eyebrows. 

I laughed, even harder so when Robin sat up at the mention of potentially seeing bare chests. “Deal, she’ll take it.” She nodded, going back to highlighting movies as she punched them in. 

“See she just takes a little convincing” he nudges the tape back towards me with a grin. I smiled, shaking my head amusedly. 

“You are a really good friend to her, you know that right, Harrington?” I said quietly, so only we could hear. His cheeks went pink, the smile on his face growing slightly. 

“I try. She’s not too bad herself.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck lightly. “Uh- I was gonna tell you y’know if she- if she didn’t want to watch it with you, I don’t mind a good romance” 

Now my cheeks were certainly pink. “Oh!” I manage to squeak out, my nails nervously picking at the tattered please rewind sticker on the case of the tape. “Sure- sure, I mean. Yeah! Come- come over, if you want to watch it with us. I’m sure she’s gonna like- pass out. After 20 minutes, you probably know how she is” I swallowed quickly, my mouth suddenly feeling dry and my voice sounding small. 

“Shit I didn’t- sorry I didn’t mean to like…invite myself? I just- I dunno, I hate watching movies alone” he clears his throat awkwardly. I bit the inside of my lip to contain a grin.

Was I making Steve Harrington nervous?

“Please invite yourself over any time, I can only handle her ramblings for so many hours before my head starts to hurt” I said loud enough just to tease her and she sits up. 

“Hey! You said you love when I talk to you about stuff!” She pouts and I giggled. 

“I’m just kidding tweedle-dee. C’mon y’know I love you” I went over to her, planting a large wet smooch on her cheek just to mess with her. 

She groans, pulling away and wiping her cheek. “God I feel bad for any boys you’re sucking face with if that’s how you kiss” she teased. 

Steve came back around the counter, leaning on his elbows and looking at me. 

“Member card please” he said, holding his hand out with a smile. I rolled my eyes slightly, “can’t just use Robins?” I huff, digging around in my purse. 

“That would be against policy, what kind of boss would I be if I broke the rules right Robin?” He looks over to her and she laughs. 

“You are one to talk about rules, mister I-go-over-10-minutes-every-break.” She said and shook her head. “You just have a yucky crush on my cousin and want her to stay longer,” she said causing us both to blush. 

“Dude shut up” he kicks her shin and she groans and winces at the contact.

“OW! You’re a Butthead” she muttered, and I looked up at him with a small smile on my lips.

“And what if I don’t have it?” I asked, resting just in front of him on the counter, leaning on my hand and looking at him with big doe eyes from under my lashes.

One of his famous, half Steve smirks appears on his lips, leaning in, mirroring my position, and looking into my gaze at eye level. 

“Guess you’re real lucky that I’m comin’ over then, I guess I could take responsibility of the movie…since you’re such a loyal customer, and a friend” he said, his eyes flickering to my lips momentarily.

“Wow…Who’d have guessed Steve Harrington is such the gentleman?” I slide the tape towards him, our fingers brushing. 

“Oh gag- Will you two just get a room?!” Robin groans and I raise my eyebrows, looking over at her.

“S’you wouldn’t beeee…” I narrow my eyes, hoping she got the hint.

“EW! You think I care?! Have at it, weirdos” she said, and my eyes flicked back to his hazel ones. 

“Care about what?” he asked, obliviously.

“That I hear her like ‘ohhhh steeeeveee!!’ in the shower at least once a week, she has the total hots for you” she said and I nearly choked on a gasp, chucking the closest thing to me at her head which just so happened to be Steves pack of spearmint gum.

“OW! Will you both stop hitting me?!” she said frustratedly and Steve laughs.

“She's saying what in the shower now?!” he turns towards her, a wide shit eating grin on his face. 

Smug bastard.

I give her the ‘try me, say it again’ eyes and she laughs, trying to play it off.

“Oh - kiddinggg! Just kidding.” she said, shooting me a ‘please, spare me.’ look.

“Girls are weird” he muttered, punching his member ID in from memory, and scanning the movie before handing it to me. “Due in 14 days, don’t be late- I got a stellar record” he smiled a bit. “Do I get one of those kisses you gave Robin? Y’know, for being so lenient” he wiggled his eyebrows and I rolled my eyes, cheeks still bright cherry red from Robin’s slick comments.

I shrug a bit, “Sure, C’mere, pretty-boy” I stood up with a small smile and he came around the counter, hands tucked behind his back and leaning so my lips were perfect height with his cheek. 

“Waiting” he said softly. I snort a laugh, leaning in and pressing my lips to his cheek gently, lingering for a little longer than needed, but neither of us seemed to mind. 

When I pulled away, his eyes were still fluttered shut, his cheeks the same tinge of red that surely matched mine. 

“Totally not at all the kiss I got, but okay” Robin mutters and I turn, sending her a death glare and digging around my purse for something else to throw. She covers her head and face in her hands nervously “Sorry! I can’t help it!” she squeaks.  I look back at Steve. “Handle my light stuff while I’m gone, yeah? See you at 6 Harrington, this movie better be as hot and steamy as you say.” I said next to his ear softly before turning and leaving before he could stutter a reply.

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ⋘ 𝐖𝐈𝐏 ♡♡♡ ⋙

[pardonmydelays]

i just wanted to say i watched s03e06 of his dark materials yesterday and girl i cried so much not only because of lin's appearance but i guess mostly because of it! he played so so SO awesomely and gave me so many emotions!

lee: *puts on his hat* *hugs lyra* *says actually anything*

edith: 🥹😭🫣😭🥲🥹😭😢😥😨😭😭

(two more episodes to go and i love this show so so much i don't want it to end 😥)

(this is going to be me when i end watching)

aaaaaaah, i am in the feels right now! 😭

like seriously, i can't blame you, cause as soon as i heard this familiar voice saying "pardon me, excuse me, coming through..." & i knew immediately it was lee, i started weeping, i missed him so much! 🥺 the best character in the whole show, hands down.

i miss hdm as well. i'm about to rewatch it as soon as i finish crazy ex girlfriend. i'm so happy that you love it as much as i do!

[loneberry]

Goodbye Little Bella

How many ways can a heart break? My heart keeps breaking. Our family dog Bella passed away yesterday at age 13 (almost 14). Bella was a skittish runt who was spritely and vivacious until her health took a turn for the worse about a week ago. Even when I saw her a couple months ago in Florida she was up to her usual acrobatics, leaping from couch to couch as though she were a young thing. She had what I would sometimes jokingly call a “Napoleon complex”: a tendency to compensate for her diminutive frame with bellicosity, sometimes even barking at dogs 5 times her size. Most of the time she was sweet and just wanted endless belly rubs. She had a naughty side, too, and derived bottomless pleasure from the act of ripping up napkins.

Bella had a special connection with my little brother Danny (above). Energetically, they were both on the same wavelength: frenetic, active, ADD, mischievous—kindred spirits with a “fearful avoidant attachment style,” as Danny would sometimes joke. In the morning Bella would go to his door and scratch and bark until he came out. Last night Danny called me crying. Our little Bella is gone. It pains us to think about how Bella suffered in those last days, staring with her Bella eyes.

When I close my eyes I see her perma-puppy eyes, the nervous way she would stare at everyone she looked at. It made you want to protect her. Even when she was an elderly dog, she always remained a puppy in our eyes. It breaks my heart thinking about how much she suffered in her final days, how she dragged her hind legs, unable to walk or eat or sleep. She looked at my mother and father with eyes so sad they continue to haunt them. On the last night my father stayed up all night with her, trying to feed her. She just stared and stared, stayed awake all night looking helplessly at my father.

The next day my father took her to the vet. She had a herniated disc, pneumonia, and an infection. At the vet she shook uncontrollably—did she know what was coming? They had to give her a sedative. Before the vet put her down, my father told Bella how much we all loved her. They wrapped her in a blanket and my father said goodbye on our behalf. He said, “One day in heaven we will all be together as a family again.”

Now Bella’s sister Mia, blind for many years, roams the house barking and feverishly sniffing, confused about Bella’s abrupt disappearance. “It feels so weird!” My mom cries. The whole Wang family is weeping. We loved our little Bella.

Depicted in the photo: My father with Bella and Mia, two sister weenies from the same litter. He loved to watch TV with Bella and Mia perched on the couch, with one on each side. Mia has spent her whole life—from birth to now—with Bella, so I can only imagine what a shock it must be for her, especially since she cannot see and just keeps searching for the scent of Bella.

Bella (right) and Mia (left) cuddling

*

Someone or something dies. You have to touch the hole all over again. It never gets easier.

[heart-songs]

POV: You Don’t Cry in Therapy after D.E. Frietzke

Because even if you had a therapist to cry to you already cried. So. Many. Times…

Last Night Over dinner, the spool of spaghetti you swallowed that later unraveled as regret in your belly On the couch watching Monk because god he loved Trudy and no one has ever shown you that kind of devotion In bed, between cold sheets, the soft oyster of your body slipping back into her shell

This Morning When you woke without a pearl and the sun broke through the windows just long enough to erase the last lines of poetry he left on your wall Over the passing thought of breakfast you never coughed up enough energy to make In the shower, your wet bones shivering as your last shred of hope sought escape down the drain

This Afternoon Alone in the car when your Spotify shuffle-played Landslide, Video Games, The Night We Met, Hide and Seek, and White Houses without a single commercial break Over crumbs of memories your heart force-fed you for lunch Walking the same blocks you walked yesterday and the day before that and the day before that… Naming every cat that crosses your path Dry weeping into the scruff of your neighbor’s dog’s neck Stopping to photograph every flower so you can plant proof into your palm: There is still beauty here. I held it once.

You’ll Cry Tonight Too While you Gatsby-stare into the blue light, waiting for life to start all over again when it gets crisp in the fall Silent sobbing until the last drop of longing bleeds from the corner of your eye and turns your pillow into an uninspired watercolor

and Again Tomorrow When anxiety bangs on your chest at three a.m. and the darkness hugs you closer than any half-hearted lover ever has and the trash is filled with crumpled candy wrappers and enough tissues to sop up an ocean and you are still you emptied and alone

- Cora Finch

[eddiestattoos]

omg you watched ‘for warrick’ for the very first time today/yesterday???? thoughts and prayers, that’s possibly the only episode of television that’s made me actually weep. I still tear up if I think about it too hard lol

It was last night but yeah I slowly descended into tears. I knew Sara came back but the moment she started crying and hugging everyone was the first time I broke. Such a good ep despite it though. They sent him off well, a lovely little tribute. Glad I finally watched it. Not even close to the hardest I've cried over tv (nothing will ever top saving hope finale I don't think. And nothing makes me cry super easy) but it did get me good and I've been thinking about it most of today. Season 8 was such a bad one for Warrick I do not like what they did (but there are some good reactions that come with it so I guess it evens out (not really)). Few other small points that killed me were "he loved you" and Brass grappling with what his last words to him were. (As soon as he said those in For Gedda I was like NO. NOOOOOO). Also everyones goodbye in the diner. The ultimate scene taken second before disaster. They were so happy and then! *sobs*. Also that first shot we see of Nick on the bench or whatever at the scene. Him and Catherine (and everyone else) at the scene and at the funeral. I was never once ok watching that ep but will 100% watch it again (which I can't say about every character departure ep)

[theselfshippingwitch]

Ray x Violet - A Christmas Romance - Thursday, December 14th

Violet looks for something (and the author exposes the fact that she doesn't actually know anything about New York City)

-

(continued from here)

When Violet arrived back at the comic book shop, she frantically searched in the glass shelf for the comic. "Excuse me, where did that copy of Justice Avengers #6 go?" She asked the store clerk.

"Somebody bought it right after you left."

"Oh..."

"But, I think maybe that other comic book shop up on 34th street might have a copy."

"Thanks!" And Violet was out hailing a cab.

She got down to 34th street and found the shop. "Sorry, someone bought our copy yesterday." The clerk there told her. "Do you want to leave your number with us in case we ever get another copy?"

"Sure," she said, dejected. As she wrote down her name and number on the clipboard the clerk handed her, he mentioned "you could always try the place on 43rd."

She tried 43rd. "Sorry, we don't have it. There's a collector's shop in Brooklyn."

She tried Brooklyn. And Queens. And the Bronx. And just about every comic book shop in New York City. She decided to try one last place, in Bayonne. She scoured through the piles of old comic books and magazines until her fingers hurt. And then...

"This is it!" She pulled the comic book out of the pile with maniacal glee. She paid for it and brought it home.

When Christmas Morning came, snow fell hard as Violet transported the book, now in a plastic seal and wrapping paper, to the firehouse along with her gifts for everyone else. Ray came out the front door as she got to the crosswalk, and she got so excited to see him she began running. She didn't see the black ice on the ground. She slipped. The comic fell into a puddle. Violet landed on her back on the sidewalk. As she lifted herself up to her elbows, a car passed by and ran the comic book over. Violet watched, frozen in shock. Then, as the events that had just transpired hit her, her face twisted up, her eyes began to sting worse than her back as tears began to form. Soon, she was openly weeping.

Ray was already rushing up to her. "Violet, are you alright?" He picked her up off the ground and held her.

"It's ruined!" She cried.

"What is?" he asked.

"Your...your..." she could only point at the soggy package on the ground and sniffle. Ray picked it up and took off the sopping wrapping paper. He recognized what it once was immediately despite all the damage.

"I tried so hard! I went all over the city! I wanted you to have it so bad! And now it's ruined!" Violet choked out through her tears.

"Violet, you..." Ray looked at the ruined comic, and then at her. Tears started welling up in his eyes, too. He dropped the book and wrapped her tight in his arms. Tears fell down his cheeks. "Oh, Violet. Thank you."

"But... I ruined your comic book. Your ultra rare comic book. And now you're crying, you're upset-"

"No!" He sniffled. "I'm not crying because I'm upset. I'm crying because I love you. So much. And no one else has ever tried so hard for me before."

"Ray..." Violet looked into his eyes. "I'd do it all again, any day. You deserve it. All of it, and a lot more. I love you, Ray."

Ray smiled, and Violet did, too. He squeezed her tighter in his arms, giving her one last hug before leading her back inside to the warmth of the firehouse.

After Christmas Dinner, they went back to Violet's apartment. She and Ray settled down on her couch to watch an old, black and white Christmas movie. Just then, the phone rang. Violet picked up.

"Violet Bellamy? This is Gailey Comics on 34th. The person who bought the comic book you were looking for returned it. Would you like me to put it on hold for you?"

"Yes!" She practically screamed. "Yes! Thank you! I'll be right there!" She hung up. "Ray!" She ran into his arms. "It's unbelievable! Your comic book! They have it! C'mon, we have to go right now!"

They pulled their coats on and headed down to the store. They got to the counter and there it was, good as new. As the clerk handed her the comic book, she couldn't help but note, "I'm surprised this shop is open today!"

The kindly old clerk's eyes twinkled as he stroked his white whiskers. "Well, anything can happen today, right?"

[hawkstincan]

Tagged by @starstruckpurpledragon for the 15 Mutuals, 15 Questions meme

1. Are you named after anyone? 

Nope. I don’t think anyone in my family was. 

2. When was the last time you cried? 

If weeping counts... Yesterday? Big cryings were all at the end of last year. When Loch passed away I was crying a lot. Can’t remember how many days though. 

3. Do you have kids? 

Nope. My step sister has a son. I’m avoiding them for now. Crying babies isn’t a thing I can handle with grace. 

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? 

It depends? I use it a lot with my close friends. And family. Not at work. They just don’t get it. So it’s easier to keep my mouth shut. 

5. What sports do you play/have you played? 

I’m not a sports person. I love playing badminton and I think I was not bad at it. I sadly didn’t play for ages. Too little time, too many things to do. And I’m not sure my back and knees can handle playing any active game. 

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people? 

Tone of the voice. This is about irl meetings, right? 

7. What’s your eye color? 

Blue-ish grey or grey-ish blue.

8. Scary movies or happy endings? 

Happy endings. (I spent a bit too much time writing and deleting here xD) 

9. Any special talents? 

Hmmmm, I can miss whatever everyone and their pets knows about? If something isn’t in my zone of interest… It’s safe to assume I know nothing about it. On the other hand my zone of interest is wide and strange af xD

10. Where were you born? 

In moscow. I was once told which hospital but I never cared enough to remember. 

11. What are your hobbies? 

Hmmm, I knit scarfs. Yep. Scarves only. I do it to relax and trying to work with schematics is not relaxing for me. So scarves. I draw when I feel inspired or have the IDEA. The ‘you can’t get this shit out of your head until you try to do something with it’ idea. Eating your mind and all your ability to focus idea. I wrote down some of the brain eating ideas I had too. I collect stuff. Like I have a collection of cinema (train, theater etc) tickets. And yes, in-app tickets are useful and amazing and all that… but I miss my paper tickets so much 😭 You can think of my book-buying as collecting too I guess. It’s hard for me to read books on a reader or smartphone. I do prefer to buy paper books. And comics. And manga.     

12. Do you have pets? 

I have two cats. Lenny is an adorable two years old. Loves playing fetch xD Meloch' is loud, annoying, 10+ yo and I love her dearly. 

13. How tall are you? 

165 cm (it’s 5'5" I think?)

14. Favorite subject in school? 

History and computer science. 

15. Dream job? 

When I was a kid I dreamed about being a veterinarian. And after I got my first job… I’ll be honest here. My dream job now is to sit on my butt reading stuff (watching stuff, playing stuff) and to have no need to work. I have zero inner need to participate in social life of my county. Talking to strangers makes me anxious. I stress a lot in a new company. I can’t speak on job interviews. I’m terrible at communication. Jeez, I dropped out of college cause I was too stressed about the exams. (And well teacher as a career was the worse choice I've made. Do not let your parents bully you into 'just get your diploma there and do whatever later' kids) I just couldn’t handle them. And my current job… My mom got me there temporarily. And I was around since I was a teen and people knew me and I had known them… So I’m quite happy to be left alone or with my friends. But I need money to buy food and pay bills so seating at home isn’t a possibility until retirement (the road is so far).   Tagging @luna-shimizu, @simpledontmeanpeachy, @eaion, @mommalosthermind, @thefancydragonqueen, @kateera, @thing2dani, @hardwiredweird, @hautecoldture, @holycafe, @lotusvalkyrie, @ruti2, @artsyape, @superalondrauniverse, @ptatas77

[the0ph1lusblogs]

Lollipops and Lies

Laughing jack x Female Reader ( SAD DEPRESSING THOUGHTS, SELF PUT DOWNS, TAUNTING, ABUSE AND SMUT WARNING )

The little girl ran quickly from the monstrous clown. (Y/n) was running from her old childhood best friend, L.Jack . Who killed her other best friend (F/n) and now was chasing after her for seeing it. 'I can't run anymore!' (Y/n) thought as she slowed down her pace to catch her breath.

She looked around for that tall scary monochrome clown. "Nowhere to be seen" The girl whispered quietly to herself. The girl starts to look for any signs of a nearby town or at least a cabin. . But eventually, she did actually found some housing......... Except it wasn't a house it was a .......... Circus? 'Huh? What's a Circus doing here??' She thought as she curiously walked towards it! Eager but scared that she might get attacked by something.

But as she got closer to the Circus She could hear faint music playing. But it didn't switch to a different song it just kept playing it over and over. But, when she walked in the music shut off immediately.

"Well, well..... Who do we have here?" Came a tall unmistakable stranger who towered over her and watched her petrified form take in what was happening.

"I-its y-y-you..." She stutters in panic as he watches her carefully.

"Oh yeah its me the *Evil and Scary Clown*~" He mimics the girls scared face as she backs away slowly. But when she turned around the entrance was -----

"Hey! What happened to the entrance!!?" The girl cried as he laughed like a maniac at her expression she was making at him.

"MAYBE THE WEASEL GOT IT!!!!!!???" He Laughed in amusement as fear danced across the girls face.

"Please just let me go I don't wanna die!!!!!" The girl fell to the floor and curled up in a ball and weeped.

The clown crouched next to her and rubbed her back while she cried from fear that he might hurt her.

Eventually the little girl cries herself to sleep in his arms. The clown was surprised when her body went limp.... For a second he thought she was dead... 'Thankfully just asleep' he sighed as he picked her up bridal style and carried her to the room he had decorated for her.

Time Skip ---------------------------------- the next day

The little girl woke up in a pale room..... Everything that had happened yesterday ware just coming to her head and she groaned as her heart sunk at the slightest reminder of best friends shredded body and that clown holding her heart in the air as he watched it pump for the last few times.

She wanted cry herself to sleep knowing that her best friend was dead now and there was nothing she could do other than face the same fate or even worse to live with the satanic monster himself.

[kamorth]

I have had an epiphany.

Yesterday we were having a car conversation about Christians, specifically the difficulties in communicating annoyance at extremists while not throwing regular Christians under the bus. Obviously this ended up boiling down to "what are the differences between Christians who annoy me and Christians I get along with".

(I'm not writing that out every time so for the rest of this post amd only for the purposes of this post I am going to refer to People Who Believe In One God And Follow The Teachings Of Jesus Christ as oranges and People Who Claim To Do That But Are Utterly Horrible People Anyway as apples. Also before anyone jumps on that particular fruit cart, I'm not an atheist and this post has nothing whatsoever to do with whose religion is correct. It's about the behavior of a specific subset of a self identifying group of people. I'm specifically talking about Christian apples here but apples can be any flavour, atheist apples are also very common.)

I have a specific apple in my life who I really wish I didn't have to deal with. She is unavoidable as she's part of my kid's life and he's 19 so I can't make that decision for him. She is the absolute epitome of appleness. She cannot have a conversation with anyone without it either being about Jesus or why everything is their fault and we should all pray about it right now. If you try to change the subject to something more neutral (like the weather) she just gets this sad little condescending smile and starts acting like she's humoring a 3 year old. She makes herself weep in joy by singing hymns to herself when she thinks we think she thinks there's no one watching. If you have any experience with apples you have met someone who is trying to be this woman. She is going to be my case study.

Recently my kid graduated. He fought incredibly hard through mountains of shit ON TOP of being 16 when the pandemic started to get to that and I am supremely proud of him. She thought he could have done better but honestly I don't see how. There was no "better " to be done. He did the best, period. He had two graduation ceremonies, one for his school and one for local Indigenous students (there were 67 students from 3 schools at that ceremony and I cried the entire time Holy shit THAT was how you recognize effort and celebrate achievement it was just beautiful) and we attended both. During these ceremonies I glanced over at her occasionally - at first it was because she showed up late to the Big House and tried to make a scene when the ushers wouldn't walk her through the dancers to take her to her reserved front row seat and instead gave her a folding chair at the back - and I noticed something.

She never applauded. She never stood. She never engaged in any way. The only time she reacted positively to anything was when my kid, the student she was there for, had his name called. She tapped her wallet against her had three times (someone who had come with us saw that and mentioned it to me, I was too busy cheering and making my hands go red) and... that was it. She didn't even hang around to thank our hosts. At the second ceremony, the one at the school (still fun, but it didn't have the gravitas and meaning of the first one), she was more engaged but not by much. One of the teachers there is an orange and one of the kids thanked Jesus so I guess that counted for more in her eyes.

I thought about all the times I have bowed my head at a restaurant or her dinner table so someone can say grace, or kept my mouth shut while her husband gave the most offensive Christmas speeches (about saving brown heathen babies by bringing them to Jesus or how Jewish people are orange-hating gatekeepers for some examples) or gone to her church without saying what I really thought because it was a family thing and I was trying to be respectful and not cause strife.

And I realized that was it, that was the core of what irritates me so much. That utter lack of respect she has for other people's beliefs, opinions, or interests.

She expects a respect that she is not willing to give. You can't even EARN that respect from her because she thinks she is the only one who deserves it. We are so far beneath her that she can't even deign to clap for graduating students at a graduation ceremony, yet we are expected to actively practice her religious rituals whenever she is around. We are expected to forget our own rituals for the sake of hers in every single situation that she has an awareness of.

She will NEVER do that for us.

She can't even be respectful of a culture that her own specific sect of her religion is still actively trying to commit cultural genocide against while there is a national conversation about the 20,000 dead children that have been found so far as a result of that genocide.

She called the Indigenous Graduation ceremony "quaint". I was crying because a grandmother was dancing in full regalia and her face was a portrait of pure unbridled bliss that had been fought hard for and that grandmother knew how hard the fight had been because she had been on the front lines of it her entire life and her own survival to see this celebration of her culture was a bigger victory than any apple could ever understand. I have no idea how anyone could call that "quaint".

And I realized that that's the common thread with apples. Whatever they do that specifically annoys me, the core of it comes down to expecting a respect they have no intention of giving.

By comparison, most oranges never even bring up religion unless it's relevant to the conversation, and when they do they're normal about it. They show interest in the beliefs of others and don't immediately respond to things with "you know that will send you to hell right".

If you think you might be an apple, it's really easy to fix. Show others the respect you want shown to you. Don't assume that your way is the only correct way. Acknowledge that other people have as much right to their beliefs as you have to yours.

In other words:

Do unto others as you would have done to you.

[indelibleevidence]

Broken Wings, chapter 5

Author's Note: Also on FFN and AO3. Slight delay this week, since yesterday I was having a chronic illness brain-scramble. Next week should be the final chapter (of this fic, anyway - I still have the final one to write the synopsis for).

*

The bathroom was the only place with a lock she could retreat to, so Remi decided to take a shower, needing to gather her thoughts. The part of her that had once been Jane yearned to sob against Kurt’s chest, and she didn’t dare to indulge it. Instead, she let the water and steam cradle her, her arms wrapped around herself for good measure.

I just wanted it all to stop, but I’m trapped here, in this life I don’t know how to live. He wants me to stay, so why can’t I just give in? Why can’t I just take what he’s offering?

What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I going to keep hurting him until he finally leaves? So there’s nothing stopping me from eating a bullet? Am I really that broken?

The pressure in her chest crept up her throat, and a sob jarred her body. Remi shook her head, locked her jaw, tried to swallow the agony back down inside, but the effort was futile. The harder she tried to suppress the sobs, the more powerful they became. Her resistance broke, and she leaned against the cold tiles, muffling the sound of her weeping with her hands over her face.

You’re pathetic. As always, the voice mentally admonishing her sounded like Shepherd’s.

You’re the strongest person I know. Of course you want to rest. Kurt’s remembered words should have barely touched the raw wound in her soul—but somehow, they meant more than Shepherd’s. Not enough to heal her completely, but enough that her diaphragm loosened enough to allow her a full breath, then another. From there, she could regain her footing and pick up a washcloth, soaking and then violently wringing it out, over and over, watching the fabric bunch and twist, but never tear.

When her tears subsided, the repetitive movement enough of a distraction to shift the emotional storm to her horizon, she returned to the numbed state she’d been relying on in order to function. She moved mechanically through the motions of washing her hair and body, comforted by the  familiar scents of Kurt’s shampoo and shower gel. Her thoughts, for now, were blessedly silent.

After she’d dried off and dressed, she unbolted the bathroom door, apprehension forcing tension into her abdomen. Had Kurt heard her crying? And if he said something about it, would she be able to keep herself from snarling at him—or worse, breaking down again?

He wasn’t in the bedroom anymore, so maybe he’d been too far from the bathroom to hear anything.

She followed the scent of frying onions to locate him in the kitchen, which didn’t surprise her. When he was stressed at work, Kurt went to the gym. When he was stressed at home, he cooked.

“Anything I can do to help?” she asked, leaning on the breakfast bar.

When he turned, his eyes were a little red and watery, as though he’d heard her crying, and cried right along with her. The image swept a wave of guilt through her.

On the other hand, he’d been chopping onions. She couldn’t assume anything, though she had her suspicions.

“I’m good,” Kurt said, giving no sign that he’d noticed anything amiss with her own eyes. “Did you eat while you were out?”

She shook her head. “No. Unless coffee counts.”

Kurt turned down the heat on the stove, then came to her side, leaning in for a brief, affectionate kiss. It was all so domestic and familiar that a lump formed in her throat, and she rested her head on his shoulder to hide her shaken composure.

He nuzzled her temple, then returned to the stove, his back to her. “In that case, dinner’s in fifteen minutes.”

Remi retreated to the couch, pretending to browse something on her phone as she tried to process the longing she felt for Jane’s old life. Was it just the emotional exhaustion of the day’s events that had her this sentimental? Or did she actually miss living here on a permanent basis?

Missing a person was different from missing a whole phase of your life.

She turned over the problem in her head until Kurt called her over to eat, but found no clear answers.

After the meal, when they were settled with glasses of wine on the couch, Kurt said, “You don’t have to let it go.”

Taken aback, she frowned over at him. “What?”

Kurt gave her a hint of a smile. “Earlier, you said Jane could let her past go, and be a better person because she didn’t have that baggage. But you can still find meaning in your life, and you don’t have to let go of anything you don’t want to. I didn’t.”

Remi frowned. “You didn’t…what?”

“Come on. You know how stubborn I am. I searched for Taylor for twenty-five years. If you hadn’t come to Venice on our anniversary, I would have searched for you until the day I died. Letting things go isn’t in my DNA.”

“You let go of your grudge against Jane,” Remi pointed out. “You didn’t want to be in the same room as her, after you found out about me.”

“That’s different. I was angry. And I…” He sighed, his gaze dropping from hers for a moment. “I wasn’t telling the whole truth when I said that. I didn’t want to be around her because I was scared of how much I did want to be around her, even knowing how she’d lied to us. None of my feelings made sense. All of it was tangled up with stuff about my dad, and Taylor, and Allie and the baby… It took me months to sort everything out in my head.”

Did he know how close he was to her own feelings about him? Or was this just a coincidence? His words felt too accurate for comfort.

“But you did sort it out. I don’t know if I have that in me.”

“You don’t have to do it alone.”

She rolled her eyes, trying to deflect the earnest sentiment before it made her burst into tears again. What was wrong with her? “In the end, alone is all we are.”

As if he sensed that if he pushed, she’d push back ten times harder, he changed tack. “The way I see it, you have four options. You can kill yourself.”

Remi couldn’t help but flinch at his bluntness. Stupid, when she’d considered far more detailed scenarios within the privacy of her own mind—but hearing him say it was almost a violation.

Kurt continued listing, counting the options off with his fingers. “You can find more ZIP and inject yourself, without my consent. You can try to keep on living the way you have been, even though it’s not making you happy. Or…you can try something different.”

He stopped, as though he expected her to say something, but she had no coherent thoughts to shape into words. She just waited, uncharacteristically passive, sipping her wine. It was obvious where he was going, and she should cut him off before he got there, but the words died somewhere between her mind and her lips.

Even the critical part of her psyche, the one that always sounded like Shepherd, was silent. Remi was too exhausted even to hate herself right now.

“I want you to come home,” Kurt said softly, taking her hand. “I miss you when you’re gone.”

“And I miss you,” she admitted. “But moving back in here isn’t trying something new.”

He laced his fingers through hers, the gesture casual, yet intimate. “It’s different this time. I’ll know that you’re you, and you don’t have to hide any part of yourself. That’s new enough.”

He was making sense, but fear made her cautious. “I’ll drive you crazy.”

“You’re telling me the next year is gonna be harder than the one we’ve just had?” he teased gently. “’Cause I’m all out of ammo, and I’m pretty sure you are, too.”

Remi stared at him, speechless. She’d never thought about it that way, but…he was right. He didn’t know every awful thing she’d done—and with the Orion secrets, she’d endanger him if she ever told him. But she wasn’t hiding herself anymore. He knew the worst parts of her, what she was capable of, and he’d already forgiven her.

She shook her head, unable to help but smile a little. “You’re actually right about that.”

Kurt’s expression grew just a little warmer, more affectionate, and the last of her resistance slipped away. She was so tired, and his body heat was so comforting against her side. She was far from confident that they could make this work, but without the option of ZIP…

“Okay. If you’re sure… We can try.”

Loving relief emanated from him, echoing her own tidal wave of emotion. “Trying is all I ask. Thank you.”

I’m the one who should be thanking you. God, I hope we don’t regret this.

If she kept dwelling on that fear—or the gratitude and relief on the other side of her emotional coin—it would consume her. She had to think practically, or she’d become a wreck again, and this time, it would be in front of Kurt. At least she could come up with her next short-term goal now.

Remi sighed, knowing she was about to disappoint her husband again. “I need to head back to Europe, first. Get things sorted there. It’ll probably take a week or two, depending on when I can reach certain people.”

Kurt’s expression clouded with concern, a spark of fear in his eyes. “You can’t do it by phone?”

“Remember when Jane came back with huge stacks of cash? That’s how K&R pays, if you’re trying to stay under the radar.” She hadn’t been hiding herself since she’d given Kurt her second burner phone number in Vancouver, but hadn’t bothered to switch to digital pay—just in case. “Most of my money is stashed away, and there’s no one out there I trust to get it for me and put it in the bank. Plus my apartment needs to be cleared out, my rent paid up. There are a few weapons I’m, uh, breaking a few laws by owning…”

“Then let me come with you.”

As much as Remi loved him, something deep within her protested at the thought of Kurt going back with her. Even though it was only two weeks, she needed that time, that solitude. She needed to process everything that had just happened, and come to terms with her new future—as hazy as the details were, so far.

She shook her head. “I know I haven’t been the most trustworthy wife. But you have to know by now that when I say I’ll come back, I will.”

Kurt was silent, but she could see the thoughts as clearly as he’d spoken them. That was before. But now, if you want to die...

“I’m trusting that you want me here—in your home, in your life,” she pointed out quietly. “If you know me at all, you know that’s a huge leap of faith I’m making. Now I need one from you, too. I’ll be back, within a couple of weeks.”

“No more risky jobs?”

She held his gaze. “No jobs at all while I’m out there. I haven’t got anything booked, and I don’t need the money, so I’m done with K and R.”

Kurt hesitated, then gave a tiny nod. “It scares the hell out of me, but…okay. If that’s what you need to do.”

Impulsively, she kissed him—then remembered the numerous times she’d rewarded his naïveté with a kiss after duping him, when she’d been pretending to be Jane . Not this time. I swear.

“Thank you. I know I’m asking a lot, but…” She shrugged. “Old habits.”

Kurt nodded. “I’ve waited this long—I can wait a little while longer.”

He was being so sweet and understanding that it just made her more ashamed of her instincts to push him away. She’d meant it earlier, when she’d said he deserved better. She was a damaged mess, and she’d been torturing his heart for too long. If a brand new Jane wasn’t what he wanted—if it was Remi he wanted—then she had to start treating this like it was serious. Like it was the long-term arrangement Jane had committed to in her marriage vows.

Remi kissed him again, just because she could. Because he was somehow, against all the odds, hers. “I just want you to know that even though I hated you knowing so much at first, I’m glad Jane took that choice away from me. Without you, I…”

Her words trailed away as she struggled to find a way to express herself. Kurt let the silence linger for a moment, giving her the opportunity to finish the thought, but then pulled her more snugly against him, kissing the top of her head. “I know. Me too.”

Remi sighed, savouring the warmth of his presence. She knew tomorrow would bring new doubts, new regrets, new self-loathing—but for tonight, she’d impose a ceasefire on the worst of the war inside her head.

[fairiegardens]

Yesterday I,

Ate blueberry waffles with grocery store maple syrup

Watched the soft snow fall on me, the trees, the dogs

Read about marriage statistics

Stared at the moon and many gorgeous gorgeous stars

Wrote down an idea for my research paper heehoo

Journaled some thoughts that I’ve already said but wanted to say again, it felt both good and not so good

Watched one tree hill and ate cheesecake and cried. It’s so weep-worthy

[sharlmbracta]

ok i'll have to edit and add to this later, like hella later but i felt the need to force dump this from my brain yesterday as much as i can remember before i forget about this from my brain dump even further

did not clean edit sorry yet no time 😭

song:

animation script

[PRELUDE (extend)]

there is a tapestry. on one side there is zelda and link, and on the other side there is astor. a golden light seeps into the yarn art of zelda. a malice seeps into the yarn art of astor.

the malice takes over and eats into the astor part of the tapestry. it turns into a puddle of malice.

the feet of child astor is in the puddle. camera pans up and zooms out to child astor. he is wary, janky, and naive giddy. he is in a dream.

there is a blood moon. (malice erupts from his feet and climbes through his legs, as if his legs are pipes or as if the malice are vines twirling up a tree.) he goes up to malice pig ganon and smiles. (perhaps malice tears in his eyes.)

[I live inside my own world of make-believe]

child astor, in hateno village, is seen poking and digging up dead animals. for him, the dead animals seem to wave at him, enticing him. he grins widely.

astor looks up. children are looking at him weirdly. astor enthusiastically chases the children with the dead creatures in his hands. (, chanting "blood moon"/"blood vessels".)

plants seemed to shrivel and wither around the steps that he take. (adults glance at him cautiously.)

the children have run away. child astor, dirt in his hands and face, stops at the horned statue, waves his hand at it, squats in front of it, and then starts talking to it.

[Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities]

at the first two beats, rina pulls him up by his arm and shoves a broomstick into his hand.

(when the camera switches from squatting astor to standing astor, astor seems to have become slightly older.)

at [Kids], astor seems sheepish and slightly disheartened as rina pushes him into the inn.

at [screaming], astor sweeps the floor

[I see the world through eyes covered in ink and bleach]

[Cross out the ones who heard my cries and watched me weep]

[I love everything]

a) azelphir pulls astor aside and asks him if he wants to see his future. his expression is very serious and grave.

astor nods, afraid.

b) astor and azelphir are sitting at a table. astor reaches for the orb, a wary look on his face, then pulls back in hesitation.

[Fire's spreading all a-]

azelphir stirs around the orby and malice mist pours out of it. azelphir is focused. astor is scared as hell but he also feels like he's gonna jump out of his skin from not unfamiliar anticipation.

[-round my room, my]

the orby suddenly blooms with constellations and a hella of malice.

astor looks up to the constellation. His face is lit with the magenta light, and his face is full of fear and his eyes are wild with shock and a hint of interalized desire

[world's so bright, it’s]

azelphir holds up 1 finger. [1: You are going to be the Royal Seer.]

[hard to breathe, but]

azelphir holds up a second finger. [2: you are going to be sent into exile.]

[that's alright]

azelphir holds up a third finger. [3: you are going to devote your life to Calamity Ganon.]

astor’s eyes widen in horror.

c) a malice line quietly coils up from behind and wraps his arms and torso.

[Hush]

a) astor recoils into his chair, as if he has just been burned.

b) it looks like astor’s soul has left his body

c) the malice line yanks on both his arms and astor is thrown backwards. [it is astor’s hallucination, it represents astor’s haptic state of mind at the moment.]

[interlude 1]

b) astor is taking in the information and breaking apart. it looks like an invisible hand is forcefully covering his mouth and choking him, pressing him down. azelphir solemnly comforts him and then leaves the room.

c) astor in the hallucination is freaking out, lying face up on the ground. the real astor is rooted into his chair, while azelphir is comforting him by the shoulder before leaving the room.

c-1) while he is lying there, there are brief flashes of prophecy 1, where he is wearing royal robes, at a ball, and he spins zelda-rose to the rhythm of the last part of interlude 1.

slight zoom-in just enough to clearly show the expressions of astor and zelda-rose.

[clock]

zelda-rose’s face contorts into one of sorrow, as a vague malice line crawls from the back of her head to her ashened face.

[interlude 2]

the child astor, in reality, slams through the gates and is running away in tears. it is at the dead of night. he doesn’t know where he’s going. he doesn’t seem to notice the scratches and bruises he’s getting from hanging tree branches and bumping into walls.

he collapses at a dead end at a cliff over the hyrule forest river.

he stares over the water.

he lifts his head to gaze at the castle at the last beat.

[Shh]

brief flashes of prophecy 2, where astor is giving zelda-sparrow a silent princess.

a) his face is not shown, the camera is at zelda-sparrow’s height, overlooking adult astor’s shoulder.

b) his face is shown, the camera holds both zelda-sparrow and crouched astor. his face is holding the same sorrow that was in zelda-rose’s face.

[interlude 3]

child astor gets up on his hands and knees, which are bloodied from being scraped harshly on the ground. he shakily looks at his hands. the blood reminds him of malice. he’s still crying. he feels numb.

two stalkoblins and two stalmoblins emerge from the ground. startled, astor stumbles backwards.

[ding]

cam is zoomed in on adult astor’s forehead and eyes. there is a malice eye on his forehead. streaks of malice are on each side of his cheeks like veins- alive, sentient veins that had just finished filling his new body. he opens his eyes in time with the ding.

[interlude 4]

the stalmonsters grovel down around child astor. astor stumbles up.

brief flash of adult, soulless astor entranced in his malice pink orby.

child astor, in desperate denial, shakes his head and clutches his head. he looks around, takes a step back like trying to run away, but then he is sucked into the ground.

[Tape my eyes open to force reality (oh, no no)]

astor opens his eyes, slowly coming to his senses. he was in the middle of being chosen as the royal seer.

[Why can't you just let me -]

thelem helps astor get tidied before he is sent to the castle. thelem fusses astor about everything. astor smiles a little. thelem gives a thumbs-up and leaves.

[- eat my weight in glee]

astor's smile fades. he breathes in, breathes out, and walks alone into the castle.

[I live inside my own world of make-believe]

astor feels all eyes on him. he is getting fully appointed or something. he and zelda-rose do some formally introducing to each other stuff. zelda-rose leads him inside the sanctum.

[Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities]

a) rhoam outwardly shows his seer-hate to astor. zelda-rose puts herself between rhoam and astor.

b) rhoam gives an imposing glare to astor during the royal seer ceremony. astor gives him back a wary look.

[Some days I feel skinnier than all the other days]

[Sometimes I can't tell if my body belongs to me]

etc etc etc