#i wish i'm joking when i say this is longer than the majority of my fics on ao3 lol

[igarbagecannoteven]

okay i’ve listened to 5sos5 a handful of times now so i think i have a general vibe check in my head so! i thought i’d do a track-by-track bc that’s what the Cool Kids™ are doing and i am but another lemming rushing towards the cliff that is the trends of the 5sos side of tumblr. also this got so fucking long so if you read the whole thing you get as many gold stars as you want lol

Easy For You To Say: this is the song that stayed stuck in my head after I listened to the whole album. It’s incredibly catchy and has heaps of good lyrics! Admittedly I don’t really follow the entire narrative but I think that’s more of a me thing than a reflection of the lyrical content. (and i do get most of it! there’s just a few threads i have yet to tie together.) i love the play on words that is “a piece of peace of mind”. sonically it has me bopping my head to the beat basically the whole way through! I think it’s in a good location in terms of the album as a whole

COMPLETE MESS: definitely a single for a reason! it’s one you can shout-sing along to which is always a plus i like the rushing sound leading into the chorus/other different moments, and lyrics-wise i love that it can be read as platonic or romantic love :)) that’s how you know they’re catering to me. also! michael’s part! the way it changes the tonality/meaning and the way you can hear him smiling as he’s singing!! and of course the fact that all of them sing on it!!! we love to see it! my main con is that it’s pretty repetitive lyrically but still i won’t hold it against them. this song makes me want to write a fic that would fit the title “you make me (a) complete (mess)” so badly but alas i have yet to come up with a plot to match its energy

Bad Omens: i LOVE the way this song plays with leaving the “else” off the phrase “you love somebody else” it’s soooo narratively interesting and i would love to see an angsty unhappy ending songfic that utilizes this concept (if anyone wants to write it *eyes emoji*) i like the way it loops very nicely (it fades in and out in the same way which is satisfying) (and possibly a metaphor for the futility of the relationship? but maybe i’m reading into things too much lol) the line “I should have known right there and then you were a runaway” feels like a very 80s lyric (and not just bc it reminds me of runaway by bon jovi lol) i will say i am not as in love with it as everyone else seems to be (idk why it’s the big hit out of the non-singles?) but it’s not bc it’s bad, it’s just probably not going to have me obsess over it

Take My Hand (Joshua Tree Version): if any song deserves to be called vibey it’s this one. i think the musicality and the lyrics really work well together in this song, especially for the verses. there’s an almost melancholy feeling to it and now that i’ve listened to it several times it’s started to resonate with me more and more. like a lot of the songs on the album i’m not sure how often i’ll go out of my way to listen to it, but that’s more bc this album isn’t necessarily in my go-to genre than a measure of the song's individual worth. i feel conflicted about the extension to the song, bc on the one hand behind the scenes-type stuff! the voice note vibes make me soft! But idk if it actually adds anything to the song on its own,, like if i didn’t love the band i don’t think it’d really do too much for me. also what is he saying the background! it doesn’t sound like all the same lyrics! let me hear it!!! omg i forgot to mention the “few more souls on the bus now” line it’s just *chef’s kiss* no notes nearly made me cry when i heard that bit live ngl

Me Myself & I: another banger of a single (that is a bit too repetitive for its own good) it’s catchy it’s fun to sing along to and i honestly don’t have much else to say about it lol

CAROUSEL: the first time i listened to this all I could hear for the first,, minute? at least? was a taylor swift 1989 lost track and i have yet to totally shake that off lol. (see what i did there?) driving metaphors!!!! there is a tiny part of me that’s reminded of u2’s city of blinding lights during the chorus (which is a compliment btw) but that’s just bc i’ve listened to that song way to many times lol. it’s a good song, but i honestly have very few opinions about it other than why is it capitalized?? is it tied to the other capitalized songs somehow??? 5sos tell me what your thought process is!!!

Older: skip! sorry y’all it’s just not my vibe i rarely like piano ballads as it is and i just think that it has several places where they *could* have done something cool and then didn’t. i will say seeing the performance of it in the tofu live show did melt my frosty heart but not enough for me to add this one to my liked songs.

HAZE: idk why it’s titled what it is but it’s a bop! I love the way the vocals swap off; it’s done quite cleverly imo and i think it shows the different strengths of each of their lyrical styles well (if i’m right that the vocals match some of the writing credits) it’s vibey it makes me want to stick my arms and pretend i’m cruising :)) also thematically it’s a little like a dog waiting impatiently by the door bc their person is out and about which i love

You Don’t Go To Parties: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the cashton vocals!!!! the bass!!!! the car metaphor!!!! also the repetition of the number five anyone?? clearly they’re 555sos fans /j also they’re totally referencing the maine in the second verse right guys? guys? but in all seriousness i love how visual the storytelling is! the lyric “racehorse trippin' on the dirt that you got on me” is very !!! especially bc the beat for the verses almost “trips” over itself (although maybe that’s just me reading into things lol) also i am very happy that my opposite vibe-check wish/comment that i made way back when they first dropped the titled kinda came true bc it’s def more of a banger than people were predicting :)) we love to see it. i am ignoring the fact that the title is capitalized incorrectly but telepathically i’m telling them to put their song titles through that capitalization checker next album

BLENDER: !!!!!!!! banger of my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is def my favorite of the singles it’s just *such* a bop i will never listen to this song without remembering bouncing around in the very tiny cabin i was quarantined in at the time this song dropped and honestly i don’t hate it! this song makes me smile every time i hear it i love the line “ricocheting off the bed” even though i’m honestly not sure i’m interpreting it right i love the bassline i love how danceable it is!! i don’t have anything coherent to say lol it’s a bop idk what more you could ask for

Caramel: i don’t have the vocabulary to talk about the instrumentals in this song but it’s a vibe! it’s a song that demands you move your shoulders and i’m lowkey here for it. the harmonies are tasty the chorus is catchy the bridge is mmmmmmmmmmmmmm i’m fascinated by the choices made in the outro but in a positive way? altho i could take or leave the acoustic bit tbh. in a less positive note, we all agree that the only reason it’s named caramel is bc there aren’t a lot of songs named that and they wanted a certain number of one word titles, right? bc unless there’s some deep meaning i’m missing there’s no reason for that to be the title (that being said i’d love to for there to be a secret meaning please tell me 5sos i want the secret caramel knowledge) the other negative of this song is that it’s inevitably going to start a debate over the right way to say caramel (which isn’t the way they say it in the song fyi)

Best Friends: when i first started listening to the album i took a moment to accept the fact that this song could be a love song and that i’d be okay with it and then it was a friendship song and i got to breath a sigh of relief lol. the chorus is wonderful to shout with your bff (this has been tested 😊) it captures this younger feeling compared to the other songs on the album and i vibe with it! the line “life is like a poem written on a bathroom wall” is *such* a good lyric and conjures up such specific images! it’s a banger it’s a song to bounce along to i could see it in a jukebox musical as like the happy triumphant near-the-end song

Bleach: talk about a mood shift! (i think this is the song that reminded me of maisie peters? i’m pretty sure) i love the swapping of the vocals, it does something different in this song than in the previous songs which is fascinating to me! i love the line “everything i was spinning down the drain” it’s just. yeah. it’s a good quiet song for the album; it fits in well and is a good breath in if that makes sense

Red Line: a train song!!! i can’t wait to listen to this on my next train ride y’all don’t even know. it’s got vibes and a cool concept. that being said it’s not a huge standout song on the album, but not through any particular fault of its own; i don’t think it’s going to be one i listen to a ton (other than on public transport lol) i do like how the standard version closes out with the train door sound, it’s fun!

Moodswings: i love how the song makes me sway in play (you could say that i’m almost swinging) (get it? it’s a play on-[gunshot]) i would love to see an apocalyptic take on this song tbh (“through bloodshot eyes the sky is fallin’” anyone?) i think it’d make a deliciously angsty songfic! also love the self-destructive and codependent nature of the lyrics i just think that they portray it well!

Flatline: a bop! it’s a great “first love” love song it’s catchy it’s got some slightly strange lyrical undertones in the pre-chorus that i would love for someone smarter than me to analyze bc otherwise i’m going to coming up with a truly unhinged explanation (and that is a threat) i can def see why it’s a bonus song but still good!

Emotions: i want a proper rock cover of this song so fucking bad please i would pay real people money for it i think i deserve it!! michael’s voice is, of course, *chef’s kiss* i do wish the lyrics weren’t so,, broad? if that makes sense? i think the bridge threw me off lyrically the first time i listened to it bc i was like ‘yeah i get this feeling’ and then the bridge was just. not relatable lol but that’s a me thing (and now part of me’s like ‘are there some sarcastic undertones?’ bc i’m here for it if they are) but yeah i don’t really know how i feel about this song yet i think if i get my hard rock cover then it could be my next favorite song but until then it’s just a sort of vibe ig

Bloodhound: swapping vocals to change the narrative!!!! we love to see it!!!! very tasty bassline the beginning of the chorus makes me giggle a little it’s a funky beat i’d love for it to get a cheesy halloween themed music video the bridge makes me wish i could step dance (is that the right phrasing?) everyone who’s said michael singing “he took an L” is perfect is so correct i am mind melding with you

TEARS!: this songggggggggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you may call me predictable for saying this is one of my favorites but come on. how i could not love this song??? once again the cashton vocals coming in clutch i mean this really is a song for the rhythm section in all the ways! the line “i’ll feel better if i let myself sink deeper” is really going straight for my jugular and i am 100% here for it. it’s such a good exploration of these kinds of depressive states and i just!! hrghhhhhhh also their voices on the last “alive” in each chorus????? SO fuckin tasty i want to eat that one note. the bridge reminds me strongly of something but i can’t think of what it is :(( also ashton’s voice on “fifty rounds of uppercuts i’m bleeding”???? i am going to throw myself into a pit. i understand why they made it a bonus song from a stylistic standpoint but also why. it deserves to be on the main tracklist. it’s got a great mixture of the style of superbloom but make it 5sos and i love that for it! my only complaint is the title like. wtf guys. like yes that is what it sounds like when it’s said in the song but that doesn’t make it title material! but that’s okay i forgive them since it’s such a banger <3

[impactedfates]

Letters Unsent - Genshin + HSR Boys x GN! Reader

★ Summary: After their death, you find a letter. A letter he wrote. A letter he wrote for you, a letter he wished he could’ve given to you personally. A letter describing his feelings.

☆ Characters Included (Separate): Diluc, Wriothesley, Cyno, Argenti, Jing Yuan + Gepard

★ Genre/Trope: Angst + Hurt/No Comfort

☆ Warnings: Major Character Death (Not the Readers)

★ Extra: Angst is fun, angst is nice :)) // Might make another part with different characters if this does well // Not fully proof read // Motivation came back cuz of sad tunes/hj

He said he'd be back, that it'll be quick. Despite your worry, you knew he was strong, so he'd be able to protect himself right? So you trusted him. Trusted him so much that when his co-worker showed up to your door with an expression you couldn't exactly read, you were confused. It was about him but...he was fine right? Then why were they telling you he had passed? The injuries he sustained was...to much for his body to handle? The healers couldn't help him? But...he said he'd be back...you were snapped out of your thoughts when they handed you a letter with your name on it. "I think he knew he wouldn't be able to make it...so...he wanted you to have this...even if he couldn't hear your answer"

"To My Dearest,

If I'd ever be lucky to even call you that. Although this isn't ideally how I wanted to do this. I believe I can only get these things on paper, it's much too difficult otherwise. I was never good with words so I hope this alternative is alright for you.

Ever since the day I first laid eyes on you, I knew you were different. Not in a bad way. It took me way too long to figure out the reason for this was due to the fact I loved you.

I loved seeing your smile.

Hearing your laugh.

Loved the small talk we had that would end up with me taking you home. You made me feel something I didn't think I would ever feel, and I'm unsure if I even deserve it.

If I even deserve you.

Whether or not you feel the same way, I hope we can stick together as long as time allows us.

Sincerely

Diluc."

"To Y/N

Hope you're doing well, life in Meropide is still as dull as ever. Well, unless you decide to visit, you really do light up the room when you come by don't you? Or maybe that's just for me.

Anyways, preferably I would be telling you this in person, but more work has piled up. That's also why our little tea sessions have to be put on hold for now. Don't worry, as soon as this all clears up and I investigate this one area, then we can go back to the usual.

I have this one blend I think you'd really like!

Anyways, enough beating around the bush.

I like you.

Like like you.

I love you.

So much.

I can't even begin to describe how much I love you, and even if I did I feel you'd be gagging at how cheesy I was being haha!

But really, I love you so much. I want to be with you, of course I understand if you don't feel the same. But Sigwinnie would have my head if I postponed this confession any longer.

I hope to see you again after my work.

Yours Truly

Wriothesley"

"Hello Y/N

I never thought I'd be writing this kind of letter in my free time. Unfortunately for me, it seems as though fate likes making things harder for me and whenever I want to even try to talk to you about this, it's much more difficult than it was when I practised in the mirror.

Or...

Well...

Practised to Tighnari.

We can ignore that for now though as I'm still trying to put this all together in words.

I would let you borrow my TCG set, you can use it as you please and I'd even let you touch my limited edition cards.

If that's not making any sense then how about a joke?

How does a fruit confess?

They say "Olive You"

.

.

.

Get it, because an olive is a type of fruit, and olive sounds like "I love"

.

.

.

I love you"

"My beloved rose

As much as I'd love to tell you all these words in person, my search for Idrila is still ongoing and I am unsure when I'll be able to see your beautiful face once again.

Ever since my eyes laid on your beauty, I thought I had found Idrila herself, but once I got to know you. Even if you weren't the Goddess, you could almost rival her.

The sparkle in your eyes.

The pretty little smile.

Your wonderful personality.

All those things you think are flaws? I love each and everyone of them. They are not flaws to me and it pains me knowing you think of yourself like that.

Once we meet again, I want to make sure you know how deserving you are of these words, how your 'flaws' aren't flaws and how much I love every bit of you.

Though I am aware I find many things worthy of praise. I want to let you know that you're different.

I don't just want to praise you, compliment you. I wish to love you, hold your hands and protect you with my life, no matter what it takes.

I love you so much, and if I could be so lucky to call you mine. Well, I think I'd be the happiest man alive.

I will return soon,

Signed

Argenti"

"Morning, Afternoon or Night

I'm not too sure when the Cloud Knight will give this to you, or when I'll give this to them. Whatever the case, I won't beat around the bush too much.

I love you.

Nothing could compare the feeling in my heart when I see you.

The smile that will never fade as long as you're there by my side.

You are just amazing. In all my years of living, never would I have thought to have met someone as perfect as you.

Even Fu Xuan herself can see just how enamoured I am for you, although for her. She's been using it as an advantage to do work.

'If you finish now you can see them quicker'

'How would they feel knowing that you're not working?'

'Stop dozing off or they won't come to see you ever again!'

I must admit, they all do work. Even if in hindsight, not only would I still see you even with work uncomplete, I'll see you plenty of times and more to come but I don't think you care all too much about my sleep.

But I digress.

I hope this letter finds you well, take as much time as you need to consider my words and think about your own feelings.

I'll be waiting where I always am.

Jing Yuan"

"Dear Y/N

Aeons this is embarrassing. But it would be even more embarrassing if Serval kept teasing me about this. I've been putting this off for so long, worried about how you'd react.

Your answer.

And if this would change your view on me...but you're not that kind of person. I know you're not. And after a bit of thinking, to save me from stumbling on my words. I decided to write a letter.

Serval should be the one giving this to you, so I hope she didn't say anything to you, I would nearly die of embarrassment if she did. Anyways!

So...I know it's probably not much hoping Serval wouldn't say something actually, knowing her, she gave it away with one sentence but...

I like you, a lot. More than you could ever know.

And I'm more than happy to talk to you about this in full once I'm back from my mission.

I can only pray you feel the same, but even if you don't.

I hope we stay friends.

Until next time,

Gepard"

WOOO FINALLY GOT THIS DONE AFTER FOREVER.

Sorry if any characters are OOC, I tried my best with writing what I think they'd write in a confession letter, but I hope you enjoyed this anyways!

[echo-rambles]

love don't know how to rest

words: 2,679 summary: a quick phone call with your boyfriend chan turns into a mini vent session. tags: swearing, established relationship, long distance relationship, minor argument, fluff, making up note: this started off as me clowning on chan's new hair because as much as I love him I was not a fan of it when I initially saw it. somehow it turned into a weird little vent thing about missing someone and wishing they'd take better care of themselves. (title from how to rest by the crane wives)

-o0o-

“Hey baby.” You immediately greet, answering your phone and then propping it up so your hands are free. 

Chan's face takes up the majority of the screen, and you get a close up of his forehead before he also seems to settle his phone somewhere. He hums in acknowledgment. 

You know for a fact he’s not trying to be rude, so you don’t worry too much about his non-greeting. Quickly looking at the time and doing the math, you speak up again. “Good morning. Have you just woken up?” It would be about 8am in Korea right now. 

“Hi- sorry I meant to say hi when you did.” It’s ok, you mumble, moving about the kitchen as you continue to make yourself dinner. Chan had messaged you only a few minutes ago, asking if you were busy and if he could call through. It wasn’t a very complicated dinner, mostly just heating up leftovers on the stove, so of course you told him to call. “I’ve been up since… six? Five maybe.” 

“Chan.” You chastise gently. Sending him a little look from your spot at the stove. He ducks his head, already giving you one of his smiles that spell an apology. 

“I know. I just- my brain hasn’t been able to shut off. I’m making the most of it until I end up crashing in the middle of the day.” 

“Light schedule?” You ask, already assuming the answer since otherwise he wouldn’t be able to so readily nap mid day. Chan makes a little agreeable noise. “That's good. And hey, if you don’t sleep at some point I can always ask Seungmin to smother you until you pass out. Forced nap time.” 

“That’s so fucked up.” But it gets him to chuckle, and that’s really what matters. “He’d do it too.” 

“Of course he would; I asked. Hey, nice hat by the way.” You lean close to your phone, squinting at the beanie he’s wearing. 

It makes Chan groan and push the beanie over his eyes for a brief second. “I'm trying to hide my hair, since someone hates it.” 

“I never said I hate it!”

“…you said it reminded you of straw.” 

Ok, so maybe you absolutely said something like that when you first saw his hair. It sort of just tumbled out of your mouth. “Because they bleached it all wrong! They killed your hair, Christopher. I was shocked, and distraught.” 

Chan shifts his beanie around, laying his hand flat on his head but never once taking it off. “I thought it would’ve come out better. I’ve been wanting to dye it-”

“I know, baby.” The teasing slips away from your tone, replaced by something more gentle and understanding. “But you gotta let your hair heal first before you fuck with it. Maybe let it grow out and dye it dark the next time you can? And then, once it’s no longer damaged as hell, you can do something fun. Like pink?”

Chan’s nodding along to your words, clearly watching you shut off the stove and shove all of your food into a bowl. He smiles at your suggestion. “One day you’ll get your pink hair dreams.” 

“We can match! It'd be so much fun. I think the world needs Pink Chan more than ever, really.” 

He hums instead of playing into the banter, hand still on his head, and you know that no matter how much you apologize for your initial reaction or how many jokes you make, the thought that he did something you don’t like is going to eat him up. Sighing, you bring the phone close to your face. 

“I think you look gorgeous no matter what, you know that right? I’ll tell you every single day until you believe me. Even with straw hair.” You lower your voice, trying to sound as solemn and as serious as you can. “Even if you were bald.”

“Bald?” His face goes all scrunched as he laughs, tipping his head out of frame and pressing a hand over his eyes. 

“Yeah. Shave it all off. Start from scratch.” You bring the phone and your bowl over to the couch, settling in. “I’m sure there’d be girls who would go crazy for the shaved look.”

“Should I be worried that you’re making sure I look good for other girls?” 

“Hey, listen, this is your job, and part of my job as the world's greatest girlfriend is to make sure you’re marketable to your audience.”

He’s still smiling, all big and soft and it loosens the knot of guilt in your chest. 

After a few minutes of the both of you falling silent, you eating and Chan just watching you, you finally speak up again. “I’m sorry for saying that stuff about your hair. I didn’t mean to sound so… mean.” 

“I know. I appreciate the apology though.”

“I just worry. Which is a shit excuse but- I don’t want them ruining your hair. I need you to take care of yourself, because I’m not there to do it!” 

“I know-”

“You take care of the boys and I take care of you because you refuse to let them do it; that’s always been the deal, but I’m not there so now no one is taking care of you-” 

“Love,” he cuts you off. Voice firm and commanding. “It’s just hair.” It’s your turn to mumble out an I know. “It’ll grow back. It can be fixed. I’m ok.” 

“I just wish I was there.” 

The silence creeps in again, and your food is growing cold. Every day you miss him, and the feeling just continues to grow and grow and you’re so afraid that it’ll get so big that soon you won’t have room for anything else. You need him to be ok, because if he’s not then… you’re not really sure what you’d do. 

“We take care of each other, yeah?” Chan says, making you snap your attention back to your screen. He must have pulled his phone closer to his face, and if this were any other moment you’d take the opportunity to snap a picture of the angle he chose, but since you feel all cold and serious in the pit of your stomach you instead just nod at his words. 

“Yeah-” 

“I don’t want you to ever feel like this is a one way street. It’s not your job to take care of me.” 

“I definitely don’t get paid enough for it to be a job.” The pit isn’t too cold or serious for you to deny yourself mumbling out a little quip. 

“We choose to look out for each other, yeah? I take care of you too. Don’t forget that.” Your little comment makes him smile. Just a tick of his mouth, but his whole face softens and you wish you could touch him right now. 

You want to be in his arms. Face pressed to his neck, where you can feel his pulse against the highest point of your cheek and his hands spread across your back and anchoring you. Long distance sucks ass. 

“I won’t. But sometimes-” You stop yourself, chew at your bottom lip and aggressively spear your food with your fork. “I worry that you’re so busy taking care of everyone else that sometimes you forget about yourself.”

“I’m guessing this has gone way beyond your feelings about my hair.” Chan tries to joke, but there’s still that underlying tone of his. The special one that only he can really get. It works it’s way under your skin. 

For a brief moment you think about leaving it there. Changing the subject. This was meant to be a relaxing phone call during a moment Chan had to breathe. He has a break and he chose to call you and all of a sudden you're just sort of dumping out all of these thoughts onto him over room temperature leftovers. 

But then you remind yourself that this is Chan. He’ll know if you’re trying to bottle something away. He always does. You joke that you know him, that he’s like an open book to you. This isn’t a one way street. He knows you just as well. 

Fuck it. Rip the band-aid off. 

“You look stressed. Overworked. Like you haven’t been sleeping.”

“Oh wow, ok. Straight to the point.” 

“The only reason I know you’ve been eating is because Lino and Bin would probably force feed you before you ever went hungry. You just look exhausted and I know this is your job- I know you signed up for this. But it still breaks my heart sometimes when I can see you starting to strain under the pressure.” 

“I’m- I’m doing fine. It’s hard, yeah, but-”

“It’s worth it.” You finish his sentence, already knowing what he’s going to say because he always says the same thing. “I know. Why do you think it kills me that I can’t fucking be there? Because you work yourself to the bone and there’s no one around that’s willing to pull you away and force you to actually take care of yourself. The boys- I know they try, but they still see you as their leader. As their big brother. The things I do, the way I argue with you? No way they’d be willing to go that far. And I’m not trying to paint myself as this ultra special person but- jesus Chris, you can’t tell me that if, I don’t know; Felix tried to speak to you the way I do, you wouldn’t get upset.” 

Chan doesn’t say anything, but his eyes are big and liquid and he’s listening to every single word out of your mouth. When you say his name, directly ask him a question, he’s blinking. Thinking about it. “No, you’re right.” 

Finally, you place your bowl on the coffee table, feeling like you need to get up and move or else you’ll probably start crying or something equally as embarrassing. God, it’s like all of these pent up emotions have just decided to spill out. Things you didn’t even realize you were upset about until now.

“Your hair honestly means nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s hair, like you said. But it was something for me to tease you about- something small that I was upset about that I could actually comment on, when really all I’ve wanted to do these last few weeks is scream at you to slow the fuck down. No- I know what you’re going to say and I’m not talking about the company schedules. That’s your job. I’m talking about all of the extra hours I know you’re pulling because nothing feels perfect enough. All of those hours where you’re meant to be relaxing but instead you just work more because you feel like if you stop you’ll stagnate.”

Leaning away from his phone, Chan takes a deep breath. Puffs out his cheeks for a moment before releasing it all and then dragging both hands over his face. The beanie gets dislodged, and you see a shock of pastel yelloworange. It’s not even that bad. It looks cute on him. But it felt like some weird shock to your system when he showed it to you and you could tell he was unhappy with it. 

“What do you want me to say? It seems like you’ve covered all of the bases.” 

“I want-” You huff in frustration. “I don’t want you to say what you think I want to hear, ok? Never. We don’t do that to each other. I just want-” Again, you cut yourself off, not actually sure what you want. Not sure what the entire fucking point of this little rant has been. 

You take your built up tension and you make good use of it. Bringing your bowl to the kitchen and beginning to clean up the dishes while you listen to the way Chan sighs into the silence. There really isn’t anything for him to say. 

You can hear the way he tries to start a sentence at least twice, and you know that he’s frustrated that he can’t fix whatever this is. But there’s nothing to fix because nothing’s broken. You’re just kind of at the end of your rope and you just want your boyfriend close. Shutting off the sink and picking up your phone, you try to give him something close to a reassuring smile.

“Listen, I think I figured out what I want.” He looks at you, jaw working and eyes shining and you want to take his face in your hands and kiss him stupid. But you can’t have that, not right now. So you’ll have to settle with second best. “We take care of each other, yeah, absolutely, but that means you have to take care of yourself when I’m not around to do it. Because I’m thousands of miles away. I know it’s a big ask but can you please do that… for me?” 

“Yeah… yeah, I can do that. I’m sorry I made you worry.” 

“Baby, I don’t need an apology. I just want you to be healthy.” You’re quiet for a beat, watching the way his eyes flick down and away from his phone before skipping back to you. “And also for your hair to look different.” 

“Wow.” It gets him to laugh. It feels like a small victory. 

“I’m nothing if not consistent. And hey, I’m sorry too. For just- whatever that was. It was unfair to unload it all when you’re probably minutes away from being busy again.” 

“Nothing to be sorry for. Like, I do get why you’re sorry but I’ll always choose to listen to your problems. Especially if they include me, that way we can figure out how to fix it.” His soft smile is back, crinkling his eyes and making your lungs weak. 

Humming, you finally finish putting all of the dishes away. “I love you.”

“I love you more.” 

“I love you the most.” 

“I’m pretty sure I loved you before I knew you.” Chan says, smile stretching wider as he tilts his head like an adorable fucking puppy. 

You smile back, and it feels like sugar fills your mouth. “Ooh, that’s a good one.” 

It’s the same little game you always play after any sort of tense conversation. Trying to one up the other and having to concede when they say something that legitimately makes you melt. It’s a reminder that things are hard but you get through it. 

Hoisting yourself up onto the kitchen counter, you sigh. It’s a little dramatic, infusing just enough theatrics to keep the levity of the conversation. “Sometimes it really sucks that we both believe in healthy communication. I wish we were the type of couple to ignore things until the feeling goes away but really it just festers until we can’t take it anymore.”

“I know, right. We’re just too good at being a couple. It’s kind of boring actually.”

“That’s what I’m saying! You should tell me to shut the fuck up more often and I’ll… I don’t know, accuse you of cheating?”

“With who?”

“Lino?”

“Wow. Shut the fuck up!” He manages to say, between his breathless laughter.

“Yeah! See, you’re getting the hang of it already.” 

Things might not be solved, like at all, but you feel a little lighter. You spend the next ten minutes joking with Chan, and things feel like they settle back to normal. You’ll probably have to have this conversation again, with less tension and frustration. But that’s for later. When he doesn’t look so tired and has a block of free time to actually talk about it in depth.

You’re going to see him, soon. You hold on to that knowledge as tightly as you can. You’ll be there, with him, able to touch him and kiss him and tell him that all you want is for him to be happy. Maybe you can have this conversation again, in person. Where you can hold hands and crawl into his lap. Soon.

[vagabondfandoms]

Falls on Me

Day Three: Evening

Rating: Teen (For This Chapter)

Previous Chapters: Chapter One , Chapter Two , Chapter Three

Characters: Gale Dekarios and F!Tav: Copper

Warnings: Gale POV, Mentions of chronic pain, body image issues, accidental flirting/sexual innuendo, and embarrassment. Also, mentions of Mystra (I think she deserves a warning for any Gale story).

Gale is dealing with a major bout of pain and he consents to Ki Restoration from Copper to help battle the degradation from his orb.

---

The team agreed with only mild protesting from Astarion to give Gale the Sword of Justice to consume. The relief was instant but Gale couldn’t bring himself to tell his party members that pings of pain returned by nightfall.

To be fair they did battle a hag today so maybe Gale just overexerted himself.

All Gale wants to do is lie down and curl up with his newest book and a glass of wine. He is about to kneel down to recline into his plush pillows when a sharp stab crisscrosses his chest and he grunts out in pain. He finds himself falling forward and catching himself with shaky hands. 

"It shouldn't be bad like this so soon," Gale grunts from an aftershock of pain, nails digging into the rug of his tent. He just consumed a magic item this morning. 

Cold dread fills his head at the thought of Tara's treatment no longer working and his life ending with the dreaded little orb eradicating him into lumps of flesh and bone. Everything he was and everything he could have had gone because of his idiotic decision to chase after Mystra’s lost fragment of the Weave.

“Hey, are you alright?" Copper asks, leaning halfway into his tent. Concern clearly on her face. "I heard something falling to the ground."

Sweating and disheveled, Gale tries to wave the monk off. "I am fine. I'm fine,” he says a little more steely than usual. "Nothing to worry about here. I just had too much wine." 

Copper gives him a glare. "You need to come up with a better lie than that to chase me away," she scolds as she gently helps him up. "What's really the matter?”

Gale quickly debates if he should lie again but just sighs and tells the truth.

"My pain is returning. Rather quickly this time." Another spasm causes him to wince and the rest of his sentence comes out more desperately than he wishes to convey. "I just consumed a magical item today…but with this rapid degradation of my health, I don't want to think about how this affects my timeframe to stay in this world.”

“Gale, you remember our discussion about the differences between Ki and the Weave?” 

“I remember you not budging on your points in the argument,” Gale mutters. “I must say, it was very un-monk like of you.”

Copper rolls her eyes at the wizard’s displeasure about her not conceding the superiority of the Weave over Ki but otherwise stays quiet not wanting to start another debate. Especially with the man hurting as he was. 

“I can help you feel better if I heal your pathways. So your Ki flows better.” Copper ends up saying.

Reluctance settles in the pit of Gale's stomach but another flash of intense pain makes him reconsider.

“Fine, let's try your not-magic magic healing,” Gale says in his most cheerful tone, which makes Copper gently shake her head at his stubbornness.

“You’ll need to take your shirt off and lay down on the ground so you have something solid to support your back.” Copper says as she reaches for one of his spare blankets and drapes it on the ground.

Gale stills, as his stomach clenches at the thought of showing off his body. He is nowhere near his prime. Over a year of sequestering himself in his tower, growing weak and frail has made him a poor image of his former self. 

“Is it essential for me to take my shirt off? I don’t even like Tara staying in the room when I change my clothes.” Gale half-jokes.

Copper flashes him a quizzical look that she quickly replaces with a neutral face. 

“We can do whatever you are comfortable with. However, seeing your skin will help me notice any abnormalities that I can focus my healing on.”

Gale lets out a bitter laugh. “There’s one large abnormality right here, all right.” As he pats his chest over his orb. 

“What you have a third nipple or something?” Copper asks, with a straight face.

“What!?! Gods no!” Gale says aghast. “I have two perfectly formed nipples. Thank you very much.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Copper gives him another quizzical look that she doesn’t bother to hide this time. “I treated a man at one of the Ilmateri Temples who had an additional hand coming out of his armpit. Not a fully grown hand, mind you but I highly doubt you have anything weird enough to top that. You appear to be a very handsome and normal-looking person.”

Gale finds a small blush trying to form on his cheeks but the annoyance of being called normal clouded out the pleasure of being called handsome. 

Gale was anything but normal...well he once was. Now he couldn’t really argue that he was anything special since he squandered his gifts to achieve Mystra’s love. 

But before he could get lost in his self-loathing, Copper cleared her throat, obviously waiting for Gale to answer. 

“Ohh yeah,” Gale coughs, embarrassed by the lapse of his response. “Well, it is not as strange as an additional appendage but I have a "magical injury" on my chest. There’s a large scar where it’s located and skin discoloration. Plus, I haven’t had much of an appetite since I was cursed with this…thing.” Gale spits out. “My body isn’t quite up to par for viewing but as long as you promise not to run away screaming at my loose skin and bones I’ll consent to taking my shirt off.”

“I promise, I’ll only do that if it was a third nipple,” Copper jokes, which puts a smile on Gale’s face. 

Gale lifts his shirt, and a stab of pain accompanies the motion causing him to be more determined to go through this test to see if Ki restoration would help. Copper turns her face away from him, to allow some privacy as he disrobes and lays down on the blanket. 

At first, all Gale could feel was the rise and fall of his chest but shortly after the hard surface feels strangely nice as the pressure of the earth pushes into sensitive spots on his back. 

Copper kneels down over him, emitting a calm and tender presence that Gale often associated with Mystra in the past before she was his lover and more of a teacher. 

“Here,” Copper says gently as she grabs his hands, which he didn’t notice were clasped together tightly on his stomach, and guides them down to his sides. “I am going to examine you by placing my hands on areas of your chest and releasing a small amount of Ki into your system to figure out if you have any areas of buildup in your meridians.”

“Build up in my meridians?” Gale questions, mainly out of curiosity, instead of worry.

“Sometimes when our bodies are damaged, our pathways get blocked and we end up with Ki building up in unwanted areas.” Copper says as she shuffles, in her kneeling position, readjusting to get a better angle over Gales’s body. Her braid falls over her shoulder, softly tickling Gale as she continues to work. A glowing energy built up in her hands. 

“Ok, Gale. I’m going to start the process now.”

Gale feels a cool but calming sensation touch his skin. If he was honest with himself it felt nice to be touched by another human being again. 

He watches the young monk, a pensive look on her face, as she works. Gale notices Copper’s eyes are very pale and reflect the soft glowing light around them before he closes his eyes and feels a small shift in his energy. The tightness in his chest was evaporating like morning dew but the hungry pit of the orb remained. 

After several minutes of relaxation, Gale suddenly blinks his eyes open at a surprise sensation, as Copper moves from examining his chest, to gently touching his neck. “I’m going to apply some pressure here ok? You have some built-up of Ki in your neck that I need to release.”

“As long as you don’t choke me, I’m not really up to that kind of foreplay right now,” Gale says drily before realizing he let his tongue slip. “Urgh, my mind can be so perverted sometimes without my permission.” 

Copper must have realized what he said because she stilled in her perusal before continuing.

“You must be feeling more comfortable if you can joke like that.” Copper huffs out, as she applies slight pressure to his neck, relieving some pain. “I might have to rethink my decision about helping you if you don’t behave. I don’t think you are old enough for me to excuse your words as just delusions.” 

“Ugh, I am so sorry.” Gale groans out, humiliation staining his cheeks bright red. “Does that happen to you a lot? Some fool running their mouth while you are just trying to help them?”

“You won’t believe how many little old men and women at the temples try to give me a kiss full on the mouth, tongue, and everything.” She says scandalously but with a light air around her that Gale’s transgression wasn’t a big deal. “I became an expert at dodging while changing bedpans.”

“Well, I promise you won’t be anywhere near my bedpan.” Gale jests, feeling physically lighter than he has in weeks. 

“I usually have a spell that magics away all that nastiness anyway. But don’t expect me to tell you where it goes once it gets enchanted away,” he adds with all seriousness before giving Copper a shy smile as she shifts back away from him, her work complete. Happy his embarrassing slip of the tongue wouldn’t put a strain on his relationship with a teammate.

“So how are you feeling?” Copper says as she stands up patting herself clean from the dirt on the ground. “Did the Ki restoration help at all?”

“I feel lighter than I have in months. The crick in my neck that has been bugging me is gone but the pain from my infliction is still there.” Realizing he might not sound grateful, Gale quickly adds. “But it feels duller than before. I am no longer bending over in pain.”

“I am glad it helped a little.” Copper smiles, “There’s so much damage to your heart chakra, I was worried I wasn’t going to help at all.”

“No, it helped. I definitely have to put a little more stock in Ki techniques. Thank you for sharing. Maybe one day, I can return the favor with a lesson in the Weave.” Gale says fondly, getting up and putting on his shirt. 

He didn’t realize until now he wasn’t worried anymore about Copper seeing his disfigured body and she didn’t comment on it, like a true professional. He smiles fondly.

“Ohh, no.” Copper says, waving her hands in protest, slightly backing out of Gale’s tent. “It will be impossible for me to have any talent in the Weave.”

“Nonsense,” Gale reassures while cheekily adding. “You probably didn’t have the right teacher. But alas, a magic lesson will have to wait. I am awfully worn out and I feel a particularly good sleep is waiting for me.” 

Backing fully out of the tent, Copper gives Gale a warm smile. “Sweet dreams, Gale.”

“Goodnight, Copper,” Gale adds as he watches her disappear from view. Laying down on his bedroll, Gale doesn’t even get the chance to read his book or drink a glass of wine before sleep claims him for the night.

Author's Note:

The romance is going to start building up for Gale and Copper moving forward.

[bippot]

Summary: When he used to say that he wished he could fall in love with his wife all over again, Bob may have jinxed himself. Yet, the process of knowing her once more wasn't as smooth as he'd used to think.

Honestly, he doesn't know which is worse - his broken bones or the fact she can't seem to forget who he once was?

Tags: Angst, Amnesia, Established Relationship, Memory Loss, Airplane Crashes, Major Character Injury, Hospitals, True Love, Love at First Sight,Married Couple

Music recommendation: Think About Love by Dolly Parton

Top Gun: Maverick, Robert "Bob" Floyd Masterlist - here

Previous Chapter: Like Beavers

After a few tiring weeks, Bob was allowed home. His bones were weak but mostly healed, although he had trouble walking without assistance. He was overjoyed to finally have the strength to return home, even if he didn't know where home was.

It was lucky that their apartment was on the first floor as Bob couldn't walk for longer than ten minutes, and he certainly couldn't handle stairs in his current state. When the doctors had suggested that Y/N should wheel him around in a chair, he'd rolled his eyes at first, saying that his legs were fine; but as soon as he got to his fifth step, he was retracting his initial reluctance.

"Home sweet home," Y/N announced with a smile as she opened their front door as wide as it would go and pushed Bob into their apartment. She closed it behind them with her foot and let him take in his surroundings. "How do you like our humble abode?"

His eyes darted from paintings to pictures to blankets to bookcases to everything, every little aspect of their stuff was being scrutinised by Bob's gaze. He noticed immediately that a lot of the furniture was mismatched and well used, although they were all clean and tidy.

But, the most notable feature to him was a small glass cabinet that contained a signed photo of Dolly Parton with a young boy and his mother. He wheeled himself closer to the cabinet and inspected it more closely. "Is that me?" Bob questioned, pointing to the little blond child.

"It is. Your mama was obsessed with Dolly. She took you to every show she went to."

"She did?"

"Uh-huh," she hummed, her hand falling on top of his head to rake through his hair affectionately.

The gesture caused him to tilt his head back and look up at her with shining eyes and an endearing smile. He was just happy she was there, that she hadn't left him, that she hadn't given up on him. As long as she stayed beside him, he'd be alright. And he'd definitely be more than alright if she leant down and kissed him on the forehead like that more often.

"What's first on the agenda now that we're home?" She urged as he palms slid down his shoulders and down to rest on his pecs, rhythmically tapping against his shirt.

"Do we have a bath?"

"We do." Y/N nodded and began rolling his wheelchair towards the bathroom. "We've also got some fancy salt thingamabobs and candles and bubble bath. Let's get you all nice and relaxed and comfortable."

"You're just trying to make me all soft and pliable so I'll give in to all your seduction techniques," he joked, raising his eyebrows suggestively in an attempt to make her laugh.

Y/N took a seat on the edge of the tub and shook her head at him, but couldn't contain herself as laughter bubbled out of her chest. "I didn't know I needed techniques to seduce my husband."

He grinned cheekily and reached his hands out for her to hold. As soon as she did, he brought her knuckles to his lips and planted a tender kiss on each one, mumbling, "Believe me, you don't. I'm already seduced," as he pulled back.Y/N chuckled and rolled her eyes, but there wasn't any irritation in her being, only fondness.

"Okay, okay, handsome. Let's get taps running and you undressed."

"You just want to see me naked."

"Already seen that, baby. So many times."

Baby. She hadn't called him that ever since he first woke up. It felt really really good to hear her say it again. It made him smile and giggle inside. Baby. He didn't know how he could possibly live without hearing the word from her mouth, especially directed towards him. It filled his mind, his heart, his soul, all of his senses and thoughts with the sound!

One word. Four letters. Two syllables. A simple name. But what it meant...well, it meant the world to him.

Yet, the moment she noticed her slip of the tongue, she slowly dragged her hand away and straightened up, clearing her throat and looking away, hoping that he wouldn't notice her change of mood. But he did, and judging from the twinkle in his eye, it was obvious that he saw right through her.

To rectify whatever went wrong, he held out his hand for her to put hers into again, wiggling his fingers until she gave in. And then, he was bringing them to his heart. "I think the world of you, present tense, think. And I mean that, no exaggeration whatsoever. You are my world. My universe. My galaxy, okay?" He gave her hand a few squeezes. "My brain might not work properly, but my heart does, and I can promise you that, right now, it's beating for you, Y/N, as it always has."

Her lips parted ever so slightly, but nothing came out. Her cheeks turned a light shade of pink and her eyes widened comically. She tried desperately to maintain a cool composure. But she failed miserably and she broke down completely after just three short seconds of silence.

Tears instantly streamed down her face, her entire body trembling as she threw herself onto Bob and wrapped her arms around him tightly, clinging on to him like he was the anchor she'd found in deep water. Bob buried his face in her shoulder, hugging her close, stroking her hair softly.

"I'm sorry, so sorry…" She whispered, squeezing her eyes shut tightly, trying to stop the tears from coming down faster. "I didn't mean to..." she continued to apologise, trying to keep calm for Bob's sake. But she didn't manage to control her feelings. Bob could tell she was conflicted. She was angry. Worried. Guilty. Sad. Confused. "Oh my god, I am sorry. I am so sorry."

"Hey hey hey," Bob said gently, placing a finger underneath her chin and lifting her face so she was looking at him. He ran his thumb over the tear streaked skin underneath her eye. "Talk to me, please? What's going on?"

Dismissively, Y/N shook her head as if to clear away the thoughts. "Nothing," she replied quickly. "It's stupid." She wiped the remaining moisture off of her cheeks and pulled away from Bob, forcing a smile on her face. She knew he wouldn't buy her lie, but it seemed better than explaining all of the things that were currently plaguing her. "Let me find where I put the bath bombs..."

"Darlin'... please."

His eyes pleaded silently for her to come back, to talk to him about everything, and anything. She hesitated for a split second, her eyes flickering between her feet and the door and him. His expression told her so much more than words ever could. It was full of love, caring and concern, and she had absolutely nowhere to run from.

So, in the end, all she did was drop her shoulders and sigh deeply before closing her eyes in defeat. This time, she knew that he wouldn't let this go without an explanation, no matter what. With one last at Bob, she finally relented with a nod.

"It's difficult to express through words. I tried to write it down in the notes thing on my phone when you were asleep one time, but I didn't get far with it. I'm sorry this doesn't make sense." She scratched her neck nervously and bit her lip, unable to meet her husband's gaze. "All of this is weird, but some kind of natural to me, y'know? I think I'd be able to navigate it easier if you were less like you because I keep expecting things to go back to the way they were, back to the way you were. They're not going to - I know that - maybe not for a while, and I want to be okay with that."

She looked up at him and gave him a small smile which he returned with the most sincere, understanding one that he could muster as he lifted his hand up to stroke her hair away from her face.

"I'm not okay with it. I'm trying, I'm really really trying to be okay with it. I swear to god I am, believe me I am. But, the thought that I won't get to see 'my Bobby' for I don't know how long, well, it makes me very, very sad," Y/N spoke, staring straight into his tearing eyes. Bob could feel his bottom lip trembling, but it wasn't out of fear or anger, it was something he couldn't place.

If he had to guess, he'd say grief. Or guilt, perhaps. Maybe both. Probably both.

"I know you can't help it, but it's just…it's hard to adjust to life without him by my side." Y/N sighed and stared at her hands. They were shaking uncontrollably. the tears wouldn't stop falling anymore, despite her attempts to hold them in.

And why shouldn't she cry? It was like she was taking a step closer to losing a part of herself every day. Like something essential in her life was disappearing every single day and it was painful to even look at it. To have the person you loved most dearly ripped from you, only for the universe to stick a very obvious sign in front of your face that, yeah, there was a chance to get the back, a slim chance that seems to be getting slimmer every fucking day.

The universe is really cruel sometimes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to -"

"I'm glad you told me." He placed his hands on her shoulders and leaned in, pressing their foreheads together and smiling warmly. "If I get too much at any point, just wheel me into the next room, okay? Say the word and I'll give you a breather."

"Deal," she smiled back and the tension melted away, replacing itself with a truce that neither of them knew they needed.

Plus, as to show her willingness to try and rekindle their relationship, she slowly, very slowly, nudged his chin upwards with her forefinger and ever so delicately pressed her lips to his. It was a tender, gentle kiss, with a hint of hope that, soon enough, it would become more frequent.

That their marriage, their love, their friendship, their lives, their future, it could and would continue.

"Are you in a lavender or chamomile bubble bath mood today?" She asked him, standing up and reaching over to turn the taps on, the faucet making a soft sound as it started running.

"How about we mix em' up real good? A little of each to get me totally zen?"

"You're a genius."

Once the tub had filled and Bob had been lifted into it, he was relaxing among the bubbles, enjoying the warmth it provided against his naked skin. Y/N knelt on the floor beside the bathtub, leaning her elbows against the side, gazing at him as they spoke. She couldn't help but smile at the sight of her husband, a content expression resting upon his face as his eyes closed peacefully, his chest rising and falling rhythmically with each breath.

Y/N watched him for who knows how long, lost in admiration for his beauty, until Bob suddenly opened one eye to tease, "What are you staring at?"

"Just admiring how pretty you are."

"Can I repay the favour?"

He copied the way she was resting on the tub and let out a long, overdramatic dreamy sigh as he beamed right back at her with adoring eyes and a goofy grin plastered on his beautiful face. She reached out a finger to trace the curves of his face and nose, feeling his stubble under her fingertips, then let it fall to the tip of his nose, bopping the tip lightly.

After enduring the hospital showers and bed bathing, he was so relieved to be out of there. The constant medical surveillance, the uncomfortable bed, and the awful food made being stuck in that room almost unbearable for him. So it was wonderful to escape to the freedom of his home, where nobody was watching him for hours on end and he was left alone with his thoughts, what little memories he had, his emotions...and his wife.

Due to his ongoing recovery, he still got tired quickly. By the time Y/N had helped him out of the tub and dried him off, he was struggling to stay awake. The exit process in the hospital was tedious and traffic took far too much effort, so he was already partly drained. She wrapped a towel around him, gently helped him lay down onto their bed and tucked him underneath the covers.

"I'll wake you when dinner is ready, okay lovely?"

Sluggishly, he nodded his head with a soft smile on his lips as she kissed him on the cheek and walked away, leaving the door open just enough for a crack for him to hear her humming softly to herself as she moved around the kitchen preparing dinner for them. He closed his eyes and buried himself deeper beneath the blankets, savouring the sweet sensation of home that surrounded him in a comforting blanket of warmth and security. It wasn't a big house by any means, but it was cosy and safe, and after the hellish events he'd experienced lately, that was all he cared about.

Two or so hours later, he was not woken by Y/N. Another familiar face was right next to his, their thick finger poking him in the cheek and startling him awake. "Wakey wakey, Baby On Board!" The voice came accompanied by a large grin. His groggy mind registered its owner's face instantly, and he swatted Hangman's hand out of the way with surprising swiftness. "We brought pizza."

"We?" Bob repeated as he sat up in bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Jake, let him wake up before you annoy the shit out of him!" Brad yelled out from somewhere in the living room.

Appearing in an instant, Y/N was quick to shoo Hangman away before helping Bob out of the bed and into his wheelchair. "Need a second before you socialise?" She offered, but he shook his head, waving the notion off as he began to wheel himself towards the chatter of people in the next room, all of whom were excitedly chatting away. He stopped halfway in the doorway and was greeted with everyone looking at him expectantly; he could sense their curiosity and excitement and, somehow, found himself blushing as he looked around at all of his old friends.

Some of the faces were currently new to him, though he assumed they weren't really new. Jake and Bradley, he knew they were there. Then there was Mickey. Next to him was a guy he'd seen in multiple photos with Hangman. To the right of that guy, there were three more that he vaguely recognised, and the one of those guys held his phone with a woman on the screen. Finally, Bob's eyes landed on Nat, who was leaning against the couch, a lazy smirk planted firmly on her lips and a drink in her hand.

Back in the hospital, the moment that Phoenix could stand, she was hobbling her way towards Bob's room. With shaky legs, she struggled to keep her balance as she walked through the corridors, trying not to trip over her own feet and land flat on her ass. Luckily, she managed to reach the room without incident. She stood outside for a few seconds before pushing on the door handle and barging in unannounced to find Y/N feeding Bob his meal while he lay on the bed, propped up on pillows.

"Nix!" Y/N said as she turned around to greet her friend brightly as she wiped away any food from around Bob's mouth with her thumb. "You need a hand, Nat?"

Honestly, Phoenix didn't want any help but she nodded anyway. She was fully aware that she'd used up most of her energy getting to Bob's hospital room, even if it took some of her pride to admit that she needed someone else to hold her up. Y/N offered her a warm smile as she got up and slid an arm under Nat's armpit to guide her to the chair by Bob's bedside.

"This is Phoenix?" Bob questioned. Both women nodded. They were quiet for a second, just observing him as he stared back at them, confusion evident on his handsome features as he tried to remember something, anything about his friendship with Nat. Still nothing. He frowned and looked down at his lap. "Sorry, nothing in this noggin' of mine..." he mumbled to himself, frustrated.

The two women exchanged glances for a moment before thumbed at the wrinkle in his forehead. "Hey, don't force it. Don't give yourself a headache like last time," Y/N reminded him. He shrugged his shoulders sheepishly and sighed as he slumped back down against his pillows. Y/N reached out a hand to stroke his cheek soothingly. He leaned into the touch and smiled gratefully. Phoenix let out a somewhat relieved sigh as she watched the couple before her be the couple they usually were whenever they were together.

It felt natural seeing them interact like this; as if no time at all passed and nothing had happened. Their relationship had always seemed to be very simple and straightforward. They were two best friends that married each other after college. As far as Phoenix was concerned, the Floyd's marriage was aspirational, romantic. They were both smart, funny, kind, good people and were clearly in love with each other. It was obvious to anybody who saw the happy couple from the very start that the Floyd's loved each other dearly and they would do anything for the other. No matter where their careers led them, or who they worked with, they always remained by each other no matter how physically far they were apart.

That care for each other was still present, and Phoenix knew the feeling was still mutual between Y/N and Bob as they were now holding hands on top of Bob's bedsheets.

"Bob...I'm, uh, sorry I couldn't get here sooner, I had a bit of a...difficulty." Nat gestured to her injuries apologetically.

"I'm just glad that you're alright. How are you fixing up?" Bob asked, concern etched on his beautiful blue eyes.

"I'm doing better than you," she joked lightly, trying to ease the tension building inside of her.

Bob snorted and rolled his eyes, smiling nonetheless. She knew past him well enough to know that he was grateful for her visit, and that the best course of action was to keep the vibe light. She gave him a sympathetic smile in return and reached a hand out to pat him on the shoulder.

"We'll heal in time. Hey, I'll race ya," Bob challenged.

Phoenix chuckled, "Think I might have a head start..." she teased and reached out to flick the cast on his hip lightly with the back of her finger. Her playful comment made Bob smile fondly, as did the look that she flashed at him after her little quip.

There was a momentary silence between them. Phoenix had the proof she needed that Bob was okay. Everyone had told her so, but she needed to see him to confirm that for herself. She wanted to make sure he was in fact going to be perfectly fine, because what if all of her friends had lied in the hopes she wouldn't feel like total shit.

True to her words, Nat had healed faster than Bob had. Collarbones take 6-12 weeks to heal. Ribs 3-6 weeks, arms around the same. Fingers and toes were even less. Phoenix had won the race, naturally, though it wasn't a particularly hard race at all. And as she sat in the Floyd's living room, the first thing she said to Bob was, "Looks like I won the race."

He laughed loudly at that, shaking his head at her as he pushed his wheelchair closer to the gathering of aviators in his living room. He grinned to himself as he took note of every single person. His heart swelled when he realised just how many people were there for him. For them, some of whom he'd come to learn were shipping out the next day, to gather in one place to welcome him home. He was surrounded by people who loved him, people who were there to help him get on his feet again and who wanted to see him recover, that felt fucking great.

Payback, Coyote, Fritz, Yale and Omaha were swiftly introduced, yet thanks to Halo's shaky connection, hers wasn't so smooth. Harvard was currently in the air, but had passed on a message through Halo. Soon, Bob was all caught up with the rest of his friends, though he was slightly confused at times when they brought up inside jokes and memories from being on base. Everytime, Y/N would lean down to whisper the explanation into Bob's ear to help him out.

The group continued to sit around, chatting and laughing, enjoying themselves with one another as they stuffed their faces full of pizza and fries. They all felt pretty content at the moment. It was hard not to, especially when two members of the gang had survived such peril and had returned safe and sound. Sure, things weren't quite perfect, but they had a roof over their heads, the chance to eat junk food without anyone judging them, and the company of friends whom they cared about more than they ever thought possible. Everything was working in their favour.

Well, almost everything…

Who knows how long the squad threw well-intentioned insults back and forth at each other, how long they sat quietly on a couch and chatted about trivial matters, how much longer they stayed there for. But eventually, one by one, they had to peel off, had to leave the comfort and warmth of the apartment and go back to their own places. They had their own lives, after all.

Rooster, Hangman and Phoenix were the last to leave. Since the accident, the couple had forced Phoenix to stay in their spare room to keep her under surveillance as she'd understandably been a little tender these past few months. While she appreciated the gesture greatly, Phoenix found herself constantly walking in on saucy moments she wished she never saw nor heard.

"Living with them? I can kinda see why people are homophobic," she jeered sarcastically as they prepared to take their leave.

Hangman pushed her shoulder playfully, causing her to fall onto the sofa with a soft 'thump' before rolling onto her side and placing her fist under her head to pose provocatively. She shot him a smirk and winked. "Oh, assaulting an injured woman? My my, Seresin, you're such a catch." Her voice dripped with sarcasm and she turned her head to address Brad. "Does he attack you too?"

"Every goddamn day."

Bambi held out her hand to help Phoenix up but was quickly lifted off the ground by Jake, who was whinging, "No, no, she can do it herself. Don't help the poor girl," right in her ear. Y/N groaned and wriggled out of Jake's grip, making sure to knee him in the nuts for good measure before, once again, reaching for Phoenix's arm and hoisting her up.

"Aw, look, women lifting each other up. My cold, misogynist soul has been cleansed!" Hangman said dramatically while clutching his chest and leaning backwards onto Rooster's broad chest with a pout.

In response, Rooster merely smiled and shook his head lovingly at him as he wrapped his muscular arms tightly around Hangman's waist and pressed him close. "Stop being an asshole," he mumbled into his boyfriend's ear and kissed his cheek, pushing him towards the door with a quick shove. "It's late and I'm tired and I can tell Y/N is sick of your shit."

"Y/N is never tired of my shit. Ain't that right, sweet cheeks?"

"I think I've developed a pretty high threshold over the years, so I should be immune to any of his bullshit these days."

"See!"

"But, today? Jeez, Jake, you've really pushed the annoyance boat out," Y/N teased, giving him a punch on his bicep with a mischievous grin on her face.

"You wound me, Bambi."

"Get the fuck outta my house."

Despite her words, Y/N was laughing as Hangman brought her into a bone crushing hug goodbye, which she reciprocated enthusiastically. The five of them took the time to have an extremely long winded goodbyes before finally parting ways for now. They all promised to meet up soon and for the first time in a long time, Y/N felt truly happy. The last few weeks had not only been hellish for her, but for everyone else.

With everyone gone, Bob began to gather up all the plates and rubbish into a neat stack on his lap. "No no, baby, let me do that," Y/N insisted gently. She gathered up the dirty dishes and dropped them unceremoniously in the kitchen sink, then grabbed the garbage bag and began to fill it with the remnants of the tidal wave of rubbish that the pilots had accumulated throughout the evening. And although she kept shooing him away, Bob was adamant to help out as best he could.

And to further bribe her, he selected a playlist that he'd created once upon a time on his spotify called 'Thinking about Y/N' and the first song that queued got Y/N to smile brightly. She stopped briefly to kiss him on the top of the head before turning back to the dishes and humming along to the lyrics.

"Darlin, who's singing this?"

"Dolly."

"This is Dolly?"

"Uh-huh."

"Now I see why mama liked her so much. She's got the voice of an angel."

Bob wheeled himself right beside Y/N and tugged on her sleeve. "Can you dance with me? Please?" He begged, batting his eyelashes. "Please, darling? Just one dance? I'll try to stand on my own, but you might need to hold me up. Pretty please?" He clasped both of his hands together and pleaded with her to say yes, to grant him his wish for one night.

Y/N laughed softly, bending to his height and pecking him softly on the lips, then lifted him to his feet and placed his hands around her shoulders as she swayed them side to side to the rhythm of the music playing. He leaned against her as they danced, his head resting on the shoulder, just listening to the sounds of her breathing and the beat of the music.

As she moved them in slow, sloppy circles, holding onto his hips, he noticed how beautiful Y/N looked when dancing. How she seemed relaxed, carefree, even happier than normal, with a huge grin stretching from ear to ear and her eyes sparkling like stars. He couldn't deny the way she made him feel; how her soft touches sent goosebumps across his skin, and the way her warm breath ghosted across his face when she sang sent shivers running down his spine. It was as if she was the most enchanting creature on earth. He couldn't stop staring at her beauty, feeling as though all his strength was sapped out of him because of its overwhelming presence.

On her side, Y/N closed her eyes and savoured the sensation. They'd done this - slow dancing in the kitchen - so many times before and yet, somehow, it always felt different every time. This time felt extremely special, this time felt a million times more intimate.

But her arms eventually got tired of carrying the majority of his weight, and so Y/N reluctantly lowered him back into his wheelchair. His expression fell at the loss of contact between them and he frowned at her, pouting slightly. "But, baby-" he protested. She cut him off by kissing his lips lightly before taking a step back and continuing the dishes.

"I'll be two seconds, Bobby."

The moment she was done, Y/N turned her attention back to Bob. She reached out and ran her fingers through his hair affectionately, smiling softly. "What do you wanna do now, handsome?"

His answer was plain and simple. "Sleep."

"Interacting with Hangman takes a lot of energy, huh?"

"Oh, Jake's not that bad."

"Wow, you must be delirious from lack of sleep," she joked as they made their way back towards the bathroom to brush their teeth before going to bed. She was surprised at how they slipped back into easy domesticity without really having to try.

Yes, it was a little different. She'd only ever lifted him on the toilet seat so he could pee once before and that was the first and last time he got blackout drunk. It was a little awkward, sure, but she'd seen it all before. Yet, she did ask Rooster to install a toilet handrail while Bob was still in hospital, but it seemed as if he never got around to it.

Brad's a busy guy, okay?

"Serious deja vu," Y/N muttered, manoeuvring Bob once again into bed. He laid down on his side and scooted his left arm under his pillow, snuggling into it comfortably and looking so soft as he gazed up at her adoringly. Y/N sat down on the edge of the bed, smoothing the loose strands of Bob's hair behind his ears.

"Are you gonna join me, or is that too much for tonight?" Bob's voice was quiet, almost a whisper. It sounded so vulnerable and unsure.

His eyes were glazed over as if he were half asleep, but there was no mistaking that they were fixed firmly on Y/N's face. She could hear him swallow, hard, and then his breath caught as he slowly blinked and searched for an answer.

"I think that it will be too much. This has all been too much for one night, if I'm honest."

He tried not to visibly deflate at her words, hoping his disappointment wasn't obvious enough to show through the mask of nonchalance he was wearing, but judging by her reaction, he knew otherwise. The corners of her mouth curled into a frown, making her look incredibly cute, and she gave him a sympathetic look.

"I do have a gift for you, though. Does that soften the blow?"

"Depends on what it is."

Spending a second to shuffle through the bedside table, Y/N brought out two Spongebob themed walkie talkies. "Mickey picked them out for us."

Bob smiled as he accepted the toy from her.

"If you need anything at any point and I'm not within five feet just -" She held the sponge shaped device to her mouth and pressed the button. "Shout at me through this bad boy and I'll hear you loud and clear, over."

"This is basically a baby monitor," he joked into the receiver.

"That's cause you're my baby."

"That was so cheesy. So, so cheesy."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah...whatever you say, Lieutenant." Y/N had planned to banter some more but as soon as he yawned, she was instantly reminded that Bob needed his rest. With a quick kiss and a parting, "Sleep well, lovely," she was out of there and preparing to sleep in their guest room.

Just as she had changed into her pyjamas and got under the covers, the walkie talkie began to make some noise.

"Y/N? Y/N? Are you asleep?"

"Yes."

"Yeah, me too."

Y/N rolled her eyes playfully despite the fact that he couldn't see her.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

There was a pause before Bob admitted, "Just needed to hear your voice, y'know?"

A small smile tugged at Y/N's lips as she listened to his sleepy words, a fondness spreading throughout her chest. Although, she was quick to reply, "You heard it five minutes ago."

He let out a low chuckle before whining, "Yeah, but five minutes can be a really long time. Like, how long is it really?"

"I'd say three hundred seconds."

"Ha ha." She heard some shuffling, presumably his legs moving about. to get comfortable. When he spoke up again, it was clearer, and he sounded less sleepy. "I keep having this thought that I'm going to wake up back in the hospital."

His voice cracked slightly, sounding sad and resigned. Y/N paused, not quite knowing what to say, her mind racing over possible responses, none of which seemed appropriate.

"Before today, all I've really known is the hospital. What if I'm still there and this is a dream I'm having? I don't want to wake up from this one. It's been a good day here, Y/N. A really good day."

"Bobby..." Y/N whispered, tears starting to pool at the corners of her eyes. "It has been a good day, a good real day. You've been let loose into the big wide world. And this, I promise, this is real life. You're safe, and you're mending, and you're home."

She swallowed thickly, fighting off the lump in her throat.

"And you will be home tomorrow, and the next day, and the one after that. As long as you want to, baby."

The sound of breathing filled the line for a moment. Y/N didn't know whether Bob was still conscious. Maybe he'd fallen asleep. Or maybe he'd finally passed out from exhaustion.

"I think I'm just surprised that I have that many friends."

Laughter echoed through both bedrooms in a very ungentle manner. The revelry was boisterous, almost maniacal, and absolutely ridiculous, yet they were enjoying themselves. Their neighbours probably weren't, but neither cared either way. They were having fun, being silly, laughing together, and sharing stories well into the morning.

There was some store of energy that Bob was tapping into to stay awake. He was tired. Fucking exhausted even, but he'd stay awake for this. Of course he would. He'd give her every last drop of energy and love, every single fibre of his being if it meant that he'd see (or in this case, hear) her happy.

Even when that happiness meant staying in bed and giggling over walkie talkies like two naughty kids. No matter how tired he was, Bob refused to let himself fall asleep until she said they should. He wanted to listen to every word that she had to say as much as he could, as much as his heart and brain demanded that he should. He knew it was selfish, especially since it was so late and the following day she'd have to take care of him once again, but he couldn't help himself.

It wasn't until Y/N looked at the clock and remarked, "Shit, it's almost three in the morning," that they began to wind down for the night. "Sorry, Bobby, I got carried away. This reminds me of our old MSN days."

"What's that?"

"It was an old program that we used to video call on back in the day. We'd always be calling. As soon as we'd get home from school, the camera was on and it stayed on until we had to go to school the next day." Y/N grinned softly with nostalgia, reminiscing on a time long past. "We'd fall asleep talking to each other every night."

"And we still thought we were just friends?"

"Yeah, kids are stupid." Her voice was teasing, but there was a note of affection laced throughout her words. "Let's sleep now, Bobby."

"Night, beautiful."

"Goodnight, baby."

Y/N murmured quietly as she turned onto her side, resting her head upon a pillow, ready to fall asleep herself.Her hand instinctively went to reach for her husband's, but it was met with empty air. For a few seconds, she stared intently at the spot. The bed was cold without him lying behind her, warm body radiating a comforting warmth against her back. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before closing her eyes tighter and burying her face further into the pillow.

Next Chapter: Overwhelming

[jezmmart]

Chamomile Comic Trivia #31

#159 - Notice

It's Sam! I wish I had written down more about my decision to add her, although at this point I'm fairly sure I wasn't certain she was going to become a main character - in fact it was RIGHT around the week this posted that I began work on the first proper cover art for the series which of course did not include her.

Her design was based off this old one-off pin-up girl art from 2017, technically making her the first ever major Chamomile Comic character to exist, sort of.

She was named after Sam Lloyd, likely known for his portrayal of Ted the Lawyer from Scrubs. The news of his death had recently broken and I had just recently begun listening to Fake Doctors, Real Friends, the Scrubs rewatch podcast, as my go-to background entertainment when colouring the comic specifically each week. It still is now, albeit intermittently since they don't always produce an episode each week and I no longer have a backlog to catch up on. Now granted, I don't love the podcast as much as I used to - can be a bit cringey at times as these two hollywood actors chat about utterly unrelatable anecdotes from their lives - but it's overall been enjoyable and it'll be weird to find something new to accompany my colouring if it does come to an end or stops being enjoyable once they permanently pivot into... whatever they plan to do after they run out of Scrubs episodes. It's been part of my colouring process for the comic for longer than it hasn't been now, haha. So... yeah it felt right to honour that connection to my comic with Sam's name, on top of the fact that Scrubs is just straight-up one of my favourite TV shows and Ted was always a character that gave me big laughs.

Of course... I realised after that I'd introduced yet another character to the comic ending in "-a"! ...But whatever, it's a common thing. Not so long ago I had 5 co-workers simultaneously whose names also ended in -a, lol.

The decision to have had her always be around simply came from not having any strong ideas to introduce her and preferring the idea that at least some of the cast already knew her. The gag's been done before, but I thought it'd be extra funny to introduce her with a scene in which she is specifically announcing her departure from being a regular face in Cammie's life, which typically would mean the same for the audience in most works with actually established characters.

Final little bonus note - in panel 1, Cammie once again is entering with a handful of steaming coffee.

#160 - Official

I didn't really mean for it to be so small it's barely legible at web size, but the little sign on the panic alarm button behind the till says "Real emergencies only Cammie!", in reference to #50.

#161 - Before

All that Scrubs talk regarding Sam is kinda fitting, because they did the "this character was always here!" gag there too. For their one, they edited her in on various memorable shots and pretended the main character didn't notice her being present, here I obviously extended the frame on the end of several punchline panels from previous comics.

Here's a gif that shows the original panels compared to the new ones, showing both the new and old art isolated as well so you can see exactly what I drew to extend the older panels which naturally weren't drawn originally knowing that I would one day be extending them!

The second of the three Sam flashbacks is just a nice little bridging one, but it did take me a while to decide for sure which way around I wanted the first and third flashback panel. For the first: while there's been a little bit of mild bad language in the comic once the seal was broken here, Sam's "bitch" is the first time such language has appeared so it amused me to place it in a scene that has already happened long ago just barely outside of the audience's perspective. For the third: the joke is of course that the reveal of Sam's additional dialogue is particularly adding nothing to the scene whatsoever - like, as if Cammie making a fool of herself would even be remark-worthy at this point. I felt both these two goofs had a good punch to them in their own way so yeah, I remember being conflicted over whether I had chosen the funniest possible flow of these three gags.

Of course, the final joke of this one, in case it wasn't obvious (I could see it being subtle for some), is that Mimi's whole running gag is she's a side character who also has existed in the comic for long before her first on-screen appearance, yet Cammie never remembers her.

#162 - New

The art and dialogue structure of the first two panels here is identical to #160. I think it being a time-saver on my workload for the week was definitely a factor - for whatever reason I needed it at the time - but I also remember going for something with that choice beyond just that... But I can't for the life of me remember what. I don't think the parallel between the two comics adds anything reading them back now.

Anyway here's Newt! I really thought at the time that he was going to be as significant an addition as Sam, and I did come up with the idea of introducing a regular male character at the time I chose to bring Sam in, with Sam's introduction - and exit - being an amusing way to introduce a surprise new character.

...Then I proceeded to never really get any super strong story ideas for him lol. More detail on that in a second. I haven't forgotten him though, frustrates me that he keeps getting sidelined!

#163 - Training

Standard behind-the-scenes retail frustration humour here. I can neither confirm nor deny how much is based on my current employment. A little detail of authenticity/flavour is that they're watching a DVD intended for widescreen on an old non-widescreen TV that's clearly been in their staff room for at least a decade. Such was the case for my painful training videos too! (It's all online now as of a few years into when I started, so some progress has been made I guess).

#164 - Huh

It's not made clear yet, but the new status quo that Sam is a receptionist at a primary school is established here - the coloured hanging letter signage on the wall that is too perspective'd to read says "WELCOME TO OUR SCHOOL".

I chose this as a job for her based simply on the fact that my Mum has often worked in school offices for most of my life. She wasn't a receptionist but it was the sort of job where I have some... vague enough memories of the "behind-the-scenes" enough to draw something along those lines when I needed to show Sam at work.

Getting back to Newt, obviously the goof here is that Cammie is just being a sore loser about her friend leaving and Newt is about the most cool-sounding interesting person you could imagine meeting. Unfortunately that involved specifically coming up with fun sounding stuff that are not super common to do or know people that do, so despite the super interesting combo of cave-diving, stand-up and polyamory these are all things I feel like I'd have to do thorough research on to represent in the actual comic accurately... which is something I'd like to do but, time is finite and I have so much pre-existing experience with being a silly nonsense person. Would you believe it, there's another character in the comic for whom that experience lends itself very well!!

Speaking of whom, the first appearance of the bell on the door in Repeat 1 Records was only a month after Cammie got the job. She works fast!

[Trivia Archive | Browse from most recent]

[land-of-classpects-and-analysis]

Hey there! Just came here to ask something—do you have the Witch of Light on your itinerary soon? I've loved your work so far, as it's really helped me understand the perspective of the classes and specific classpects, and the Witch of Light is my classpect, so I was wondering if that was coming some time relatively soon, or if I'd be waiting a particularly long while. Not intended to be passive-aggressive, just curious—I'll be glad to read whatever analyses you post in the meantime anyways :3

Hello, Anon!

I want to start this by saying that you are not the only one to ask me this question! To be honest, I've been wanting to dip back into Classpects on and off for quite a bit now. However, there's been a lot of things that have been making it rather tough TvT I'm working on a whole book series - that's one of the biggest ones!

Given that it isn't Homestuck nor Classpect related (unless you somehow wish to count DnD Classes and their subclasses! XP), I haven't spoken about it much here. It's a major passion project almost three years in the making, and while I have loved it, it's also taken up a lot of time and creative spoons! Which, unfortunately, has been a touch come and go for me as of late.

I also am a full time college student now! :D I have a job now, too (alas, even the God Tiered Mage of Light Red Panda needs to make money...), even if it is just a part time gig. Basically, I am born to write these silly analyses and my furry DnD fantasy story, but am having to do these things that leave me prettyyyyy drained by the end of each week X[

I've loved seeing that people do still love this blog and project, even if I haven't been all that active. It serves as a pleasant reminder that people do still love my work, and want to see more, which is so wonderful as a creative person.

It may take a little bit, but I would love to one day complete this project! Which is to say, someday, I will scrutinize the Witch of Light Classpect - and many more before and after that! Unfortunately, seeing through Time is not my speciality, so I cannot give a certain timeline on when this will happen, but I can and will certainly do my best to spare some spoons for this blog.

I am almost certain this is FAR longer than the answer you wanted, Anon, but I wanted to be as honest as possible! I wish I could say this was an April Fool's joke, but alas, I much prefer to use our boop PVP for the day

And thank you - to Anon and everyone who follows this blog - for your continued support and interaction! It truly does mean a lot :'3

[silver-wield]

lol someone said on twitter that they spoke with their jp friend and A was only telling cloud off? For Tifa? Because he should be careful of re-gifting stuff like that so easily? This bitch man..she acts like she knows him. She literally tells cloud that he's dense in her gsd. Like wtf? Dense? He literally kisses tifa. PERIOD. Tifa barely did anything and he pounced on her. The simp knows what's up. I really don't understand why anybody believes a word this dead chick says. Oh but because she's all pitiful and cutesy uwu (i don't think so, it's an insult!) That people would rather ignore her negative traits than go be bothered while playing the game. Even if she taunted cloud because she misses zack and she's pissed at those two hitting it off and her's is dead. That isn't a fucking reason to steal said guy nor to deliberately hurt your "friends" just for your gain you dumbass. Even this jp interpretation is shit too. IT'S NONE OF HER BUSINESS! ugh. Then you see all these articles about kitase saying they wanted to convey the feeling of "when loosing someone you love, you wish you treated them better" ...........UM , first of all a lot are deliberately misinterpreting the word love here, second this could be said ABOUT THE WHOLE PARTY, third this bitch should be the one to treat them better! Kind people who did their best while you wanted to fck them and ruin their chances with the girl he wants & guy she wants don't need to be kind to you! This is a manipulative tactic! This is toxic as fck!

You know what? At first I thought the devs understood she had a flaw, but now I'm not so sure anymore. Im glad cloud called her WEIRD A LOT! Tifa might tell him and he'll feel bad but that doesn't change the fact that, that is what he thinks of her and her cringy ass confession. This man is not as oblivious as people think he is. Sigh. I'm glad some in TLS are catching up but where we are with the majority, I fear we will still hear the "there's no way he didn't feel anything for the blah blah" because the eng localization isn't COMRADE. Wtf change Comrade for "why not?" So RETARDED I WANT TO CRY.

For the last time, why should the kind people feel bad for treating her "badly" wtvr that means when she's the one who never respected nor cares foe their space and right at all? If I was there I would have slapped that hoe. Like no joke. She's 22 and people keep forgetting that. It's CREEPY. Ugh I personally would not deliberately hurt my friends just because I'm jealous of their happiness and now try to steal it for myself. Just because you have a reason/ sadness, doesn't mean you should act on it. Your last decision and action makes you who you are and I'm sorry. Aerith is a bad friend to both tifa , cloud, to the whole party, and ti her mother. Neither to zack as well.

Zack deserves better.

Btw she's been like this since OG for anybody thinking she's inconsistent. I'd say her remake version was the inconsistent one.

Except the R word cause that's not okay 😬

Tbh given what she says about how the whispers took everything from her I think in remake she was fully aware of everything and then it all went away and she went back to being her default OG bitch self, so she's not inconsistent before that point, it's that she knew things she no longer does and forgot what she knew so she's just a selfish bitch at heart and any character development she started off with went bye bye.

[kyouka-supremacy]

Hey! I recently read your post on, ahem, 'Female Characters in BSD And Their Portrayals' (to paraphrase)

I thought it was really interesting actually!! Thank you for writing that!

Another point is how Yosano's quirk had gotten sexualized in the anime, whilst in the manga, it's much more eery? That was weird.

I had a question: How Is Dazai Sexist?

Not in a 'pRoVE iT to ME!!' manner, but a, 'i can genuinely see that and I'm curious about your perspective' manner!

I read No Longer Human about, two months ago? And Dazai Osamu, the author, had a niche perspective on women, I suppose. He humanized them, but also dismissed them, but also heavily related to them? Of course, with historical context it's probably the average view of the time.

But I'm genuinely curious!!

My “Female Characters in BSD And Their Portrayals”

Thank you for giving the post a read! I was low-key nervous when I posted it, I don't really like being the killjoy, so I found people's positive responses to it very reassuring (╥﹏╥)

About Yosano's ability being sexualized in the anime. I know right,,,, it's part of the bigger picture issue, it's nearly impossible to find anime without fanservice. The difference in female portrayal between the bsd manga and anime is actually something very interesting to ponder on, because they're actually quite different: the manga is sexist, but it never visually sexualizes its female character (the Gaiden manga being an exception). The anime is more low-key in the blatant sexism, but there's female fanservice that the manga lacks that... Idk feels almost a given at this point, like animation studios just CAN'T not do it (I don't even know what to say? Something something *through gritted tits* 57th prime minister of Japan Shinzo Abe). On a different note, this ask came as some sort of epiphany for me because it made me realize that the reason there's so many people missing on the sexism in bsd which leaves me so often baffled is because people probably reason fanservice = sexism → lack of fanservice = lack of sexism, but it really doesn't have to work that way? Of course fanservice is for the vast majority sexist because more often than not it comes with the objectification of female body, but I wouldn't say there's a direct correlation between the two things: I hope I was exhaustive enough on why bsd is sexist although it never sexualizes its female characters, and I think same can be said for the other way round? Kill la Kill is my favorite anime of them all and the most female empowering anime (and overall media??? Idk I love klk with everything I've got) I've ever seen, but it'd definitely be a wide stretch to say it lacks fanservice.

On why I said Dazai is sexist: for one, I trust Chuuya's word

This is a joke, but funny enough, that's exactly the panel I was thinking about when writing the post– I was negatively surprised by how a main character could reportedly be called womanizer, and that is just kind of there, like being sexist was just another weird little characteristic of bandage man, nothing strange there. You see the problem here?

I remember when I watched the bsd anime for the first time, I used to think Dazai was sexist a lot– but in retrospect, I don't have that much a strong opinion on the matter anymore. When I watched it, it would bother me how Dazai would objectify women a lot, using them as mindless pawns even more of how he already does with every character he encounters; it would bother me how he's so fixated on committing a double suicide with a beautiful woman, like... You do realize that is wishing for another person, and that person needing to be a woman specifically, to die, right? Not to mention the “beautiful” part only adds to the objectification if you ask me. But all taken into account, I don't feel for it as strongly as I used to– don't get me wrong, it's still disturbing, but I don't think it's an issue of Dazai specifically as much of the work in its entirety having a fucked up view of women. It hit me today rewatching the bit at the end of episode 5, Dazai explaining Ranpo's deductions to Atsushi: “she wasn't dressed for work, she had no make-up on”. Now, if you say anything like this to me irl, I WILL punch you in the face. But can you sense how it doesn't really come from Dazai in particular and is more expression of an overall worldview of women that necessary transpires through the characters, an underlying pattern I couldn't really perceive on my first time watching the anime? So, I feel like it's less of a case of “Dazai being sexist” than it is of “Dazai is a character with a lot of lines in a fundamentally sexist franchise”. The point isn't about Dazai's being sexist, because ALL the characters are in a way or the other, but about the author writing them as such; that's what I meant by saying “Dazai is openly sexist and it’s just kind of there never to be addressed”– he's reportedly sexist IN CANON, the thing is it's never portrayed as something strange or worth to be addressed.

[the1975attheirverybest]

I hope this okay to ask feel free to ignore if not but how do you manage to cope with people saying such inflammatory stuff about matty constantly? You seem very adjusted to it, I am usually alright at ignoring it and I know its not true but sometimes I see things people say and I feel a bit sick because that's what people think and what if they think I support that and idk. I get scared there might be truth in it sometimes even though I don't think that and it gets difficult to cope with. I really strongly believe in having nuance in a situation, being critical of the people you enjoy instead of blindly praising them and not putting people on pedestals, which is why I still engage with matty because to me he is a guy who says and does stupid things occasionally like most people realistically do. But people see it so black and white and you're either a good person or you're not and I hate that and it gets to me sometimes.

no worries at all! that's what fandoms are for. to debate and cope with things like this. especially at a weird time that this fandom seems to be in rn.

For me, it's a mixture of different things. The first being that I've tested my own beliefs and so I'm more sure of them than ever. That's part of what I love about being a fan of Matty. He's constantly challenging me. Whenever he does or says something that I personally wouldn't do, I stop and ask myself why. Would I not do it because I think it's wrong? or would I not do it because I have been conditioned to behave a certain way automatically (whether by culture, by upbringing, by societal expectations of women and femininity, etc) and its never occurred to me that there might be an alternative until he just showed me? So, that way, my own thinking is under the microscope, and if something doesn't hold up, I get rid of it, if something remains firm then I have to agree to disagree with him on it (the nepo baby thing is a good example of that. He's just wrong there, lol. Sorry Matty.)

I had a similar moment of doubt to what you're describing when the podcast shitshow happened. Cuz I wasn't entirely disgusted by it. Did I think that some jokes were tone-deaf? Yeah. But I didn't feel AS offended as everyone who was saying they no longer support the band, or their opinion of him has changed forever, or that hes not the same guy who wrote "loving someone" or "love it if we made it" or "jc2005gba" or "people," and hes showing his true colors or whatever. So, I was like "broooo am I the problem? am I blind? is his sexiness making me think that he could do no wrong and its to the detriment of my moral character? so I went back and listened to the podcast THREE FUCKIN TIMES. After some thinking, I felt like okay some jokes really shouldn't have been made, period. Like he fucked up at a handful of moments, BUT the VAST MAJORITY of the reactions were to things taken out of context and were exaggerations of how one SHOULD react. fucking up doesn't mean he's secretly evil and it doesn't cancel out all the good that he's done.

So, I walked away from the whole situation even firmer in my beliefs about what is appropriate and what's not, what I personally stand for as a human, and what I believe about Matty's character. Which is why, when I see that shit that people are saying now, I'm like "they're a bunch of morons." cuz I thought about it and know what's what. I think they did as well maybe they wouldn't be saying half the shit that they are saying. Kissing fans at a show after checking their ID to see that they're of age and after they've consented to it and BEGGED for it is NOT grooming. Saying that he likes hot women is NOT misogynistic, "thank you Kanye very cool" is a LITERAL TWEET by Donald Trump used in an ironic context of a protest song, it's NOT anti-semitic. you see where im going with this...

Does it break my fuckin heart when I see people wishing him relapse and overdosing and death? fuck yeah. This person stopped me from killing myself i don't wanna see people wishing him dead! ESPECIALLY that half the time, I remember that interview moment where he said that he gets nervous when hes not with "my people." like he's aware that hes rough around the edges, he knows it takes a moment to, like, figure out who he is and that not everyone gets it, and he's genuinely grateful to those of us who have given him the space to be himself and who believe in his art enough to take a moment and think about what he does to the point where it makes him feel safe and he doesn't take it for granted. So, to picture him, perhaps scrolling online or whatever and seeing people say this vile shit about him....it makes me sick to my stomach. But I try and deal with it in three ways. 1) I remind myself who Matty truly is (he didn't HAVE to put hijab wearing women in TOOTIME we are literally invisible to popculture i never see myself represented anywhere. we are not considered a demographic at all; he didn't HAVE to write LIIWMI, he didn't HAVE to give airtime to the speech that he gave at the brits in 2019, he doesn't HAVE to go out of his way to support the artists that Dirty Hit supports and keep in touch with young people's concerns, etc) That's Matty. He's always saying that people take girl fandoms for granted but younger female fans are smarter than him and have taught him so much. HE LEARNS from his fans. he doesn't think of us as something has accumulated because of his genius or whatever. 2) I remind myself that this isn't really about Matty at all. These swifties don't believe in being social justice warriors! if they did, they'd be okay with calling out taylor for her mistakes. Or they wouldn't be so nasty as to threaten to listen to her stolen music and stop supporting her re-records. They want justification for their hatred of Matty, and cuz matty's mistakes are so public, they have a lot to use against him. People who use his mistakes and his addiction against him aren't people I should concern myself with. what they believe is worth shit to me. Where do they get off calling him a bad person when they're dragging him for things he didn't even do???? yeah, they can go to hell for all I care. When someone has a legitimate criticism of him, or when he does something actually bad, then I'll listen. Like I did when the pod happened. 3) I live in my happy little bubble, lmao. I SCROLLLL bestie. SCROLLL past them comments. I know that shit is gonna break my heart and ruin my day, so I will not subject my eyeballs to it. At most, if it shows up against my will as it sometimes does on tiktok, I'll remind myself that the stupidity of the human race is kinda funny, I'll laugh about it, imagine Matty's brutal humor making a meme out of it if he were still online, crack myself up. and move on...

Unfortunately, people who don't take the time to actively seek growth remain in their black and white thinking. Just because a massive number of people think something is true, doesn't mean it is. recent political changes across the planet have definitely shown us that there can be great idiocy in greta numbers, lmao. this is no different.

Sorry this is a long ass rant. you were probably looking for a concise and simple response but i just....dont know that there is one, lol. Hope this helps but i know how you feel and it's really hard to remain calm in the face of it all. ohhh god. hopefully it ends soon.

[stardustedknuckles]

My dad told me when I got back into Pokémon Go, one blue to another, that he wished he'd picked the yellow team. That if he could do it again, he would. All of the gyms in our town are blue and stay blue, the same people putting their Pokémon in before anyone else can get any coins, and of course you can't battle your own team.

Three days later, I bought the medal that allows you to swap teams and I sent him a screenshot of our two gyms lit up yellow. "this is my town now," I joked. "thanks for the reminder you can swap."

And he was aghast. He jokingly called me a traitor, said he had no idea I could or would've done that or he would've said he was staying blue. He couldn't give a good reason why, finally said his girlfriend and her kid were blue and they've been playing less than a year so he needs to stay with them for now.

(Which, if you're wondering, says exactly what it sounds like, but it's fine. I quit needing a dad not long after he stopped being one.)

But recently I've learned that the majority of my body's issues that have plagued me and hindered me for upwards of fifteen years, the issues that have been myriad but subtle enough to make me think for so long that I was making them up, can all be attributed to estrogen with a great deal of certainty. I am taking progesterone to mitigate those effects and it's working beautifully for the most part. It makes my good days better and my worst days... Shorter, at least. And I'm thinking about how even if I wasn't nonbinary, I've been handed a solution to a problem that involves me taking the very simple step away from something that stopped serving me a long time ago. I didn't mind being a girl when I was younger. I don't mind thinking of my younger self as such. She's part of me. I love her. But she was never defined by these hormones that are hurting us either.

And I'm thinking about the people who spend their days creating posts railing against shows they insist they love, who won't go find something else to watch that makes them happy because they don't know how to be anything but upset to demonstrate they care about something. I think of radfems and the way they pack together in herds not out of a love for womanhood but out of a defense of its very existence as an immutable force. It requires an awful lot of enforcing for something so innate. I think of how rampant low-grade inflammation is a known silent killer, of how many women could take testosterone for their estrogen problems and never ever will because the concept of womanhood, this thing they swear they love even as they define themselves by suffering from it, is easier than being happy and then I think of the trans people in my life who have defined femininity as joy itself. I never loved being a girl, but I can't get enough of the way the femininity that never fit me looks on them. They twirl the dresses I was forced into and smile the way I did with my first binder, and I remember that I love women in a way thinking I was one one never allowed.

I think of my dad telling me once that he kissed his best friend as a teenager just to see if he was good at it - to prepare for girls, you see - that all boys did that and it was normal and straight to do. I think of the way he looked at the yellow gyms on his phone for a long second before he shrugged me off the sidewalk, grinning, and turned them blue again.

I think today as I've thought for my whole nonbinary life about hormones, about trading one wrong gender for another that's wrong in a different direction, only this time I don't think too much longer than that. I text my dad a photo of the gyms all yellow again and say "be here when you're ready to join me," and then I pick the phone up and call my nearest informed consent clinic - the first step, away and towards.

[sun-daisies]

yesterday I got asked to cover about three waitressing shifts this month in the span of one hour - yes I did take all of them. one of them was today and I walk in and start doing pre-opening stuff and im told by the cooks that there's a party of 50 coming in today. first of all thanks for the heads up boss I wish you'd said something when you asked me to work but whatever its fine

BUT. the bartender I worked with tonight. oh my god.

listen I consider myself a pretty easygoing person, it takes a LOT for me to get angry. I can be frustrated and annoyed pretty easily, but not a lot makes my blood boil outside of like politics and human rights, you know stuff you should care about. I also don't want to flex or anything but I KNOW im a hard worker, I hold my own no matter where I am or what's thrown at me. literally a majority of the people I've worked with ever have only nice things to say about me - and they DO, to my face.

this bartender

oh my goodness

I can't remember the last time someone made me SO angry like that

I've only worked with her once before and she was pretty cool, we actually got along pretty well and so I was feeling pretty okay about today's shift because I was like oh it's her on today it'll be a good day. right off the bat she's being incredibly patronizing to me. literally within the first five minutes. I dont remember how we got there - it might have been because she was complaining about how people don't wipe the ketchup bottles before putting them away - but she started talking about the floor and how she wishes it had those like ergonomic mats and I mentioned how "oh, but at least there's some hardwood floor down now, we didn't have that a while back" and she claps back with "oh trust me sweetie I know, I've been coming here since you were in the fifth grade."

I brush it off because whatever, she can have her weird age superiority complex just because she's got maybe a decade on me, tops. she's also been a bartender like her entire working career, but I've worked at this particular restaurant for three years longer than her, so I'm not exactly clueless. I had worked at the coffeeshop this morning and hadn't eaten yet so I ask the cook to make me a lil sandwich so I can at least have enough energy to carry me through the shift considering I'm apparently serving a party of 50 tonight. I get it, I take a few bites, and almost immediately the bartender goes "can you do the ketchup and the parmesan" - HER job, btw, but I figure she's got a few people at the bar already so I go help her. she tells me "I started wiping them off but didn't get far, I also need you to marry them."

"to- to what"

"marry them"

"and refill them?"

"so you'll see I wiped this one off but obviously you still need to do the rest of them- you know especially since we've got a whole party coming in later we'll need some full ketchups. you've done this before right?"

"I've done what before? served a party?"

"no married the ketchups."

"what do you even mean by that"

"like combine the old ones"

"you're asking me if I've ever poured ketchup from one bottle into a different bottle...?"

there's this elderly couple sitting there witnessing this whole thing and they sort of laugh at that, the bartender makes some comment about how "oh I just call it that because I'm old and that's what we say in the industry" and the couple was like "we had NO idea what you were trying to say either." so they were basically my best friends now. when the bartender finally walks away we start making all these jokes about matrimony, they keep going "you're doing FANTASTIC, I've never seen anyone do a better job" and I'm absolutely playing into it because I literally could not believe this bartender was being serious.

anyway, the party starts coming in, I'm running around, the bartender is making drinks - not the ones I ring in, because apparently those aren't important, but making drinks nonetheless - and we're in the thick of it and she stops me while I'm grabbing some fountain drinks and goes "so are we pooling tips tonight or...?"

"I mean... idk, I don't really care what we do"

"well usually when we serve parties like this we pool tips"

I'm trying to run stuff out to my table so I'm kind of like "I mean whatever you wanna do I literally don't care" and she shoots back with "well just so you know in the future I prefer to communicate about this beforehand" so of course I snap back with "great, well I didn't know we were serving a party of 50 until about an hour ago. but I'll keep that in mind, thanks a lot." (please read that with nine miles of snark).

anyway apparently that pissed her off bc she went back to the cook - MY cook, the one who's literally like a mom to me - and starts bitching about how she "can't work with young people" and how much she can't stand me :p

and THAT made me so angry that I needed to step outside and take a breather.

anyway we did not pool tips, I did my cash out, tipped out the bartender, took my tips and walked out. she can keep those stupid party tips as my sincere apology for her having the burden of working with someone a little younger than her.

oh and my sandwich sat in the corner for the next four hours because I didn't get a chance to eat the rest of it after the ketchup wedding thank you so much for that one bestie

[noa-ciharu]

003 for both Subaru and Kamui??? 💕💕

YES! Two sad gay disasters i LOVE them <3

I’ll skip fave friendship one because I’ll put that under favorite non-romantic relationships.

Subaru:

How I feel about this character: sad little unfixable man. Every character ever is getting character development, he got character regression (joking obvs since his whole character is based on tragedy where he can't break free from self-destructive patterns and see worth in himself; nonexistent coping mechanisms 😞). I like how complex/human he is. That part of how his innocence was ripped away from him and how he entered adulthood broken and lonely - it hits too hard. I love how despite everything he's been through he's still kind and considerate (I'd say put others before himself but that one turned pathological in his case). For example, when he was blinded Subaru's priority was to comfort Kamui and explain how none of it is his fault - all while bleeding to death pretty much. My new OTP: Subaru and therapy! (Unrealistic)

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: I used to ship him with Seishirou only but now I ship him with Kamui too. Beside that, I'm rarely strictly against ship so any reasonable ship with another male would be okayish to me I guess?

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: ofc Hokuto! I love how she grounds his worries and reminds Subaru to take care of himself. Also Subaru totally needs someone cheerful and bubbly like that to bring him out of his blues from time to time (that thing with Yuzuruha in hospital scene in X was cute also, but I feel like Subaru was far too gone by that point to be 'brought out of misery' via cheerfulness). If we're not shipping him with Kamui then their friendship too.

My unpopular opinion about this character: I think I mentioned this before but I like his clothing style in X? It’s significantly toned down from some of his outfits in TB. And that’s the whole point - he doesn’t want to stand out and probably feels more comfortable ‘in the shadows’ like that. Also his selflessness and self-sacrifice in TB is certainly praise-worthy but it also pathological? One thing is to empathize with other’s pain, but quite another to feel that amount of pain and wish to help others at cost of your own wellbeing (allowed to be attacked/injured few times, wanted to donate a kidney to boy he met day ago, self-neglect etc.). Yet even if selflessness is his major trait, he certainly possesses ability to be selfish and ‘less than pure’ (and that’s good!). Similarly Subaru does have a backbone and won’t back down when something isn’t right with him. Just unfortunately has critically low self-value and rarely, if ever, fights for himself 😥 It’s always for someone/something else.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: therapy I wish we got to see some of Subaru during 9 years time skip. How did his wish change into suicidal one? When did he realize he’s “sick in the heart” as he put it? What about cigs? Gradually getting more and more distant? When did anger subdue? Wish we got vol or two separate manga on that period. Also Sakurazukamori!Subaru, so want to see how he handles being an assassin and if he’s more well put than prior to Seishirou’s death (or if he got even worse). Also I wish we got a longer fighting scene between him and Seishirou, filled with tension and more angst (but X is shojo and all fighting scenes are actually hella short). Also his ceremonial robes 🥺

My crossover ship: I think Sakurazukamori!Subaru and TRC!Seishirou meeting in X!Tokyo would make an interesting and angsty fic. TB!Subaru and X!Kamui would make a cute (and blushing) combo - and we already have them in Horitsuba. They’d hold hand and blush to point of passing out pretty much. As for friendships, I think Subaru and Watanuki would get along. Also in TRC if vampire twins were to meet again (under more calm circumstances) with main gang, I believe Subaru would get along with them instantly. Kamui tho, he’d need time to get domesticated but would accept them eventually (after Kurogane calls him out on being a hissing cat most likely).

Kamui:

How I feel about this character: he gradually became one of my fav clamp characters; second actually after Subaru. I like how confused he is about world around him and himself and character shift he undergoes through. At first he was lashing out in misguided attempt to protect not only those he cares about, but himself as well (still, I like what little fierce brat he was, bc his actions did make perfect sense considering his background). Then after tragedy struck, instead of fighting recklessly he seals the holy sword and seeks answers instead. He softens from all hardships, matures and begins forming connections with others instead of pushing people away. Truly an unique character arc since most of protagonists go in reverse. Also how Clamp made him so goddamn beautiful like that, I have no idea.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: I ship him mostly with Fuuma and Subaru. Since X is basically Kamui and people who got to caress his cheek and pat his hair, I suppose I wouldn’t mind ship with Keiichi or some other male character. That puppy crush thing with Kotori was cute but idk, I have hard time picturing anything more serious than that between them. I honestly doubt anyone ships them for real tho. I know half of Clamp's characters are bi but I have hard time picturing Kamui with a woman tbh

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: friendship he has with Seals (mainly Sorata, Yuzuriha) and one with Keiichi. He seems draw towards cheerful optimistic sun-type of people - they can lift his mood up at least. Same as above, if we’re not shipping them, then Kamui’s friendship with Subaru.

My unpopular opinion about this character:I don’t think he’s weak at all? Emotionally I mean (bc he’s physically OP, a god basically). Yes he grieves, he angsts and regrets things but considering all traumas and hardships he’s been through that’s all to be expected. Take TB!Subaru for example and try to place him in Kamui’s place - he wouldn’t be able to take it imo (bc of self-destructive amount of empathy and self-blaming tendencies; Kamui has them too but when something bad happens Kamui thinks of himself as incompetent, not a bad person). Excluding that one time after Fuuma’s ‘betrayal’ and Kotori’s death when he had nothing to live for, Kamui managed to push himself over every highly traumatic thing (sometimes with little help of others). Tho, whatever his real wish is there is a very good reason why Kamui is unaware of it; it’s probably ego-dystonic to him and he subconsciously rejects it. Also once saw people bashing on TRC!Kamui for attacking main crew and almost murdering Syaoran but? I think his actions were reasonable considering: what type of world acid Tokyo is (short on resources), Subaru being asleep underwater and Kamui wanting to wake him up asap, main crew are strangers to him, Seishirou potentially catching up with them etc. 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: clamp let him have one angst free day plz beside obvious X ending I wish we got to see more mundane carefree moments with Seals. Of course, X isn’t that sort of manga so we should count our blessings that we were given at least some cute moments between Seals (such as friendship between Sorata and Kamui (how Sorata said Kamui would be great housewife and Kamui just, didn’t react 🤣) or one with Yuzuriha (that cookie scene 🥺)). Beside that, I wish he’d just sit down and talk with Fuuma. No fighting and stabbing (not even homoerotic one, it'd serve as distraction), no shouting, no omission or double meanings - just honest (and probably angsty) conversation. But I feel like that would solve the apocalypse so it’s understandable something like that didn’t happen.

My crossover ship: same as above, X!Kamui and TB!Subaru would make a cute pair; two blushing idiots in love and neither knows how to make a move - sign me the fuck up. TRC!Kamui (yes, that feisty one) and X!Fuuma after his transformation would be fire 🔥😈 They’d argue, fight (TRC!Kamui would sooo fight back instantly, might even attack first), then make-out furiously. Fic material honestly. Since Kamui has no idea how to handle overly eager people, for friendship I suggest Tomoyo. She’ll put those cat ears on him under 5 mins. Similarly if Hokuto was alive in X she’d so dote on him and Kamui would have no clue how to handle that since he’s bad with overly eager people. She’d rope him into one of her creations 300%

Original ask

[roseandpatchouli]

SECUNDUS

They always say that age is just a number.

But in retrospect, i really do think there’s a limit to where that saying exceeds.

My dad is 70. And, that’s not particularly too old to be melodramatic about the subject of death and immortality, but he’s definitely been feeling his age these past four years. Lines on his face getting longer, body not as fit as it used to be when he is active for too long. Especially now, when he’s attended several wakes of his La Salle ‘69 Secundus batch in the last years in counting,

All these people live healthy lifestyles. Are fit, active, and have no known illnesses. And yet? A majority of them died of heart attacks. No warnings, no signs. Just like that — Gone. Just like the former classmate's wake he attended.

He doesn’t talk about it much. However, I’m not as ignorant as most people take me for to not notice how my own dad’s mood has changed. I can tell he’s not to particularly chirpy about it. Heck, there's no reason to be chirpy about it. Even when he tries to crack corny dad jokes and brush it off to his batchmates saying: “I guess we just have to come to terms with the fact that we’re a vanishing tribe.” It is what it is.

Must be difficult, I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for him, that all his former batchmates he's went to school with are slowly fading away into nothing more of a memory of bygone boyhood days.

He tries to hide it and act normal. Go on with his daily routine of early morning golf, and the never endless aa meetings on my laptop. Trying to be the Groovy Celso they all know, but to me, i can see right through that. I can see the clockworks in his cerebral brain, ticking as he contemplates his batchmates, classmates and friends slowly losing in number, even when he’s playing his favorite game of solitaire, or attending his AA meetings, and family rosary every night, every night, a new name added to the list. And I'm sure he's thinking, will I be next?

That's the thing about attending wakes. You don’t just mourn the person you have lost, you are reminded of the limited time you have on earth, of your own immortality that inevitably comes along with being human. And with that realization, there’s always that following feeling of longing and regret that you could’ve done so much more or something better with the time you have been given, things you wish you could have altered in your own screwed up timeline of the never ending multiverse. somewhere else perhaps in another dimension. he's daydreaming about that, but that’s multiverses away.

I’ll be turning 28 in three days, and to be honest, i haven’t particularly come to terms with it yet. And although I’m obviously ages younger than my dad, I can definitely sympathize with him. Do I wish I could have done something better with my life and time that I’ve wasted? Sure. Do I still wish of having the childhood and young adult years that I lost because of my mental illness and other conditions? Sure. Could I have shown that I was a better person on multiple occasions even if it wasn't warranted? Most definitely.

Though, I wouldn’t particularly call this feeling hopelessness. This isn’t a sui note. It’s a reflection, a hard slap on the face from the universe to remind me that I am not invincible, that I won't be young and youthful forever, and at some point you have to come to terms with the fact that I am getting older.

Spirituality keeps telling us that time is just an illusion, but death is a reminder that time is definitely not an illusion. We are reminded that existence is fleeting. That we are human and what it means to be human: We are immortal.

We are limited creatures running on borrowed time. And you, dear reader would be a complete pussy if you haven’t admitted that the thought of death, no matter what age hasn't crossed your mind, to see someone you know at a wake and realized how destabilizing it is; a thought that we’ve all tried to gloss over and escape from, at least more than once.

And despite the millions of things me and my dad argue about, I know that this is one of the many things we can both agree on, time is not an illusion. it is real, and you'll realize this once you stare down into someone’s coffin.

[recurring-polynya]

Do I mind if I ask how you approach writing longer fic? I've always struggled to write anything more than maybe two chapters long and I'm curious if you have a particular method to how you approach such stories.

Thank you so much for this ask! I absolutely love it when people ask me for writing advice because it makes me feel like a Smart Person Who Knows Things.

Before we start, here is one grain of salt to take all of this with: I have a naturally long-form brain. It is very hard for me to write something less than 1k. Short fiction is great, and there is nothing wrong with sticking to short things if that's what your brain likes to do.

So. You have decided to write a story. This is going to focus on "stories". Some people write fic that's more freeform or whatever, I am not going to cover that. What I mean by a story is this:

It starts

Some stuff happens

It ends

It is highly probable that your story contains a change of state, which could be that a villain is defeated, or a goal is reached, but it could also be that character falls in love with another, or someone learns to like broccoli.

I like to start out by completing the sentence, "This is a story where _______". This is basically like coming up with a summary for an ao3 post, except that it doesn't need to be catchy. Lots of different kinds of things could go in that blank! It could literally be what happens: This is a story where Ichigo goes back in time and punches young Aizen in the nose. It could be about what you want to explore: This is a story where Hitsugaya gets a better understanding of his zanpakutou. It could be about the vibe you want to achieve: This is an AU where everyone is in a punk rock band and has cool hair and outfits. The idea of this is to clearly define what you, the author, is interested in writing. Make sure it feels right! Maybe you pick the first one, but when you say it out loud, you say, "You know, I really just want Ichigo to go back in time so he can horse around with young Renji and Rukia and punching Aizen in the nose is just an excuse for that." That may sound dumb, but it's fine, actually! Most people don't read stories strictly for the plot, they read stories for the implications of those plots! Will my favorite two characters kiss? Will there be funny interactions between these two groups of characters? Will there be sick fights? Stories are excuses to have scenes. Sometimes, you will have a story where the interesting sequence of events is the draw, but the point is to know what you're about.

Once you feel happy with your "mission statement", you need to decide the bounds of your story: where it starts and where it ends. It may be easier to start with the end. In some cases, it may be obvious from your mission statement: everyone gets home, a villain is defeated, Kenpachi realizes the meaning of friendship. On the other hand, let's look at that punk rock AU. You've picked a vibe, but you don't really have a natural story arc. It has to have a destination, though, otherwise, it's not really a story, it's a recipe for 3 chapters of an abandoned fanfic. So brainstorm a little: Maybe they get a record deal? Maybe they win a Battle of the Bands? Maybe Byakuya accepts that the band is actually good and tells Rukia he is proud of her. Do not settle for a plot just because it works. Pick something that makes you excited! You're the one who is gonna have to write it!

I said that we needed to pick a beginning point, too, but I'm actually going to skip that for now. The next thing I do is think of all the Big Scenes I want to write, the ones you are hype to write, the ones that pop in your head as you think about the premise. Make a bullet list. They don't need to be in order. The descriptions don't need to be super detailed, but write down anything about it that is important to you. If there's a mood or a snippet of dialogue or a joke you want to make, go ahead and jot that down so you don't forget it later. What you're doing now is putting broad blotches of color on a canvas, filling in space and leaving the detail for later.

Once you are pretty happy with what you have down, try to arrange it in chronological order. Put your end at the end (if it wasn't one of your big scenes, add it now). The next task is figuring out how to traverse your scenes. You've already picked out where you want to spend the majority of your energy. The rest, I regret to tell you, is your slog writing. Now, it often happens that you will find joy in some of these scenes and your best writing may occur there, but that's serendipity. These are the scenes that you are gonna have to make yourself sit down and write, so you honestly want to limit them to just the ones you need.

So how do we do this? Look at the first thing on the list. Can you start there? If so, congrats, that's your beginning. If you can't, what needs to happen to get to there? Where can you start so that you can get to your first fun scene as soon as possible? There. That’s it. You’ve picked your beginning, good job! Now, go through the rest of your list, and add in things that must happen, even if you don’t particularly look forward to writing them. The characters need to travel from geographic point A to point B. Shuuhei needs to say something that Izuru hears and misinterprets. The Central 46 makes a new law. If you have a good idea of how these things happen, go ahead and write them down, but it’s okay if you don’t know yet. Fill in all the blanks so that if you think of each bullet list as a scene, you could read it as a story, start to end. Once you get writing, you might add more scenes, or move things around or whatever, but you should have a thing that functions as a story.

If you struggle with this, an alternative is a story with a very strong structure that is going to guide you though what you have to write.Here are two examples from my own stories Hold On, Hold On (which is only one chapter, but the principle is the same) is structured around the 5 stages of grief. Not Broken, Just Bent takes place over roughly a week, and I just decided what happened every day of the week. See You on the Other Side takes place in the middle of a bunch of canon events, which worked at mile markers.

Congratulations. You’ve just made a rough outline!

Special note for avoiding burnout!: I am a slogger. I will drag myself through the broken glass of an interminable plot to get to a single thirsty scene. That's why, at this stage, I try to look at the ratio of what I want to write to what I must write. It's gonna vary for everyone, but this is a hobby, and if looking at this proto-outline makes you feel deeply tired, maybe this isn't a good story to be devoting your time to! Can you carve it down? Can you chuck two scenes you really want to write and get rid of 80% of the slog? Or maybe you can't! In that case, just write that thirsty scene as a standalone drabble! Or just go work on something else! Maybe in the future, this one will come back to you and you’ll have a fresh idea or a renewed enthusiasm for it.

Another thing I sometimes like to do at this point is to write out some notes about my characters and their motivations and moods. Character A is homesick. Character B is so determined to defeat the enemy that they are having a hard time being sympathetic to Character A. Character C cares for both A and B and is trying to support them both. This is sort of background info that you want to keep in your head as you are writing. Depending on the type of story you are writing, this might actually be the main plot, or it might be happening subtly, but adding to the emotional impact of the story. It’s very easy for me to write these sorts of emotional arcs, but if you struggle with that, you may wish to go ahead and made a more detailed outline for that, too.

Now, it’s time to start writing! I am great at beginnings-- it is very often the case for me that the opening scene was one of my Big Tentpole Scenes. (Before you hate me too much, I make up for this by being double horrible at endings; just let me have this) Usually, I will start at the beginning and write linearly for as long as I can until I get stuck. Then, I will look forward on my outline and do the next chronological scene that I feel like writing. In general, if I sit down to write and there is something I have an urge to write, that trumps everything else. Inspiration is a precious commodity, and you should embrace it when it hits! You can slog any day. I will occasionally hold off writing a scene that I really want to, because I am saving it, like a prize for myself for getting that far. This is a very personal process of figuring out what motivates your brain and then giving your brain what it needs to be its most productive.

Eventually, you will run out of things you are excited to write, but the good news is, you’ve got a bunch of story now! Odds are that what’s left is going to be a lot of those connective tissue scenes, and you’re just going to have to do them, except that now, because you’re connecting two concrete points instead of two abstract points, it will be a lot easier. You can continue running jokes you’ve started. Maybe you invented a cafe in an earlier scene where your characters hang out and you can have them return there. Try to think of ways to make these scenes more fun, both for yourself to write and for your reader to read. 

Around this time, I like to start refining that rough strokes outline into what I will call an “as-built” outline. (This is an engineering term where you update your plans or models for something to reflect any changes that had to be made along the way). This is a great activity to do at times when you feel like you have writers block. I write down every scene I have written as a 2-3 word blurb, in order. I break the scenes into what I think makes logical chapters, and I will do a word count on those prospective chapters and write it down. As you do this, you will realize that maybe you can move a scene from here to there, which will make it 1000% easier to write. Things may be happening too much, or you’ve got the characters eating three times in the same chapter. If you have subplots and dangling threads, this is where you make sure they get closure. I know this sounds very headache-y, but you are so far along in the story at this point that it’s really not-- it’s a way to look at the problems you have left. Use some sort of formatting (I like to bold things I haven’t done and sometimes I put them in red) and it gives you a very visual to-do list.

You specifically mentioned multi-chapter fanfics and I admit that I don’t tend to think in chapters, I tend to think of the story as a whole and just break it up where it feels natural. The as-built outlining I described is very helpful in making sure that my chapters feel balanced. They don’t necessarily need to be the same length, but I like them to have the same amount of stuff in them. One chapter may basically contain one long scene, and other may contain many short ones. I don’t tend to, but you can certainly have a fanfic that varies between short and long chapters, that can actually be an interesting effect. But like I said, I always like to know what I am doing, and so having it mapped out, you can say “welp, this is what I’ve done, how do I feel about that?”

Polynya, you may be saying at this point, do you write the whole fanfic before you post any of it? and I regret to inform you, the answer is yes. A lot of people write as they go, and I have made one attempt at this and I didn’t like it. I don’t like locking myself in, I just need to be able write out of order and go back and change things. Here is the story of a little in love: someone gave me an AU prompt and I got mildly obsessed with it, and wrote 5 snapshots drabbles in that universe, ending with a slight cliffhanger ending. I probably should have stopped there, but I decided to keep going. I wrote out an outline of 5 acts where the first act was detailed to the degree of each chapter being specified. The chapters here were much smaller than I usually make chapters: 1-2k. I wrote act i and ii and it was actually great, and then I hit act iii which required a lot of set up for misunderstandings and a mini romance arc. I couldn’t wing it, but nor could I figure it all out with outlining. I write dialogue in almost sort of an improv “Yes, and...?” style, so until I do it, I don’t know what’s going to happen. So, what I did was treat the second half of act iii as a complete story in the process I describe above, wrote the entire rest of it, and then posted it. One might notice that the chapter lengths grew to 3-5k each. I have two more acts to go, and I haven’t decided how I am going to do them yet, but I suspect I will treat each of them as their own mini-stories.

(I will admit that in Heart is a Muscle, I tend toward chapters that are about 10k long, and this is honestly too long, someone should smack me. If you like punchy chapters, 1-2k is good. I think 3-6k is probably an ideal chapter length. Is this how long the chapters are in my latest fanfic? Absolutely not.)

Okay, so there’s one more step, which is quality control. I am habitual re-reader-- I read my fanfics-in-progress over and over and over while I am working on them. I understand that not everyone does this, but I am usually the primary audience for my own writing, and this is the actual fun part for me. Nevertheless, you should re-read your work at least once, to make sure it hangs together.

This is purely optional, but I recommend it: get a writing friend (if you don’t like re-reading your work, I recommend this even more strongly). If you can get a full-service beta reader, that’s great, but if you can’t find someone, or if receiving that level of critique stresses you out, it’s perfectly valid to just find a friend who will read your stuff and a) shower you with compliments, b) reassure you about parts you aren’t sure about (or suggest ways to help) and c) point out any huge problems you missed. When I am writing a long fanfic, it is a huge motivational factor for me to be able to send my beta chapters as I finish them. If you are already an established writer, and you have people who consistently comment on your fic, they might be overjoyed to get a sneak peak at your work.

And that’s it! That’s the way I do it, anyway! Some people are able to sit down and write a very detailed outline and the write it start-to-finish. Good for them, I say! I have tried this and it doesn’t work great for me. I will admit that some of my fics (especially my early ones) I just sat down and banged out whole-cloth like an insane person and they are generally better than the ones I actually plan out, but that’s not a reproducible process.

As one final mechanical note, I usually write in Google Docs, which I can access on multiple devices (I used to write a lot on my phone), has convenient sharing functionality, and I use the ao3 html formatting script add-in. I generally have two documents for a single story-- one is the outline, and any other notes I want to have handy. I’ll usually put a trashcan space at the bottom for scenes that got cut but I don’t want to lose. The other is the fanfic itself.

I hope this is helpful! Please feel free to follow up with other questions and good luck with your writing!