#i wish my brain would shut up

[blxxdy-knucklez]

you did it again

[thehealingplum]

Still not sure why my brain is caught up on one thing but I sure hate it. Be productive I'm begging you.

You're not going to be able to make amends.

You may forever be one of the worst people in their minds.

They may never forgive you.

Get the fuck over it, you have friends who don't think you're a creepy asshole.

[kyluxtrashpit]

Okay I need to talk about death and specifically pet death and that’s not a thing a lot of people like to talk about but with old cat’s time left being unknown, I’m trying to make decisions and. I thought I knew what I was going to do but I’m second guessing it now so. I’ll actually use a cut this time so read on if you like, don’t if you’d not

I’m trying to plan ahead as much as I can considering I don’t know what’s going to happen and when. I’m hoping I can get another month or two with her but we’ll see. But I want to know what I’m going to do beforehand regardless so I don’t need to make any decisions in the moment

Originally, I was deadset on having her euthanized at home. Because she really doesn’t like the vet and then I don’t have to drive home all emotional and it just seemed like a good idea for everyone. I still need to call the place that does that and ask some questions but. I’m having doubts now

Her last 2 vet appointments actually went really well and she wasn’t nearly as upset as before (probably cause of gabapentin but. Can’t see why I couldn’t do that if she’s dying anyway. But she didn’t even growl or hiss, she did SO much better. So maybe she doesn’t hate it as much anymore? I’m not sure). But I know the vet still isn’t a place she likes to be so. I was thinking at home would be best for her

But at the same time. If it happens in my home, whether in her bed or on the couch or wherever… am I going to be able to see that spot as anything other than the place where she died? Am I going to be able to see this apartment as anything other than the place where she died? Is it going to make it harder for me to move on? And how will it affect new cat? Would it be better or worse for him to literally see it happen? And would doing it at home even be less stressful for her, given that they do need to set up the catheter and everything to deliver the medication? Or would she be just as upset even though it’s at home? Perhaps even more upset, as it could feel like a betrayal, a violation of her safe little home that she never expected?

And am I selfish for thinking about my comfort and my ability to move on when it’s the last moments of her life? Or is that reasonable, given I’m the one who has to live on without her? She always knows when I’m not feeling well and she comes and purrs on me - she doesn’t like it when I’m sad or sick or whatever. Would she, if I could tell her, understand if I did it at the vet given that she’s had a great life? Animals often can tell when it’s going to happen - will she know, will she forgive me? Would she prefer it that way?

But I still feel guilty for even considering doing it at the vet because I feel like I’m doing it for me and not her, though in some ways it might be the same or even better for her too. And there’s just no way for me to know for sure. But she deserves the best possible send off I can give her. I just. I don’t know what that is. And I know I’m running out of time to decide. And it’s also possible the time will come very suddenly and I won’t be able to arrange for it at home regardless, and the decision might be made for me

I don’t know. I know this is a highly personal decision and no one can make it for me. But if anyone has dealt with having to put a cat that dislikes the vet to rest and has any thoughts to add, I’d love to hear them. Or just any thoughts from anyone. I thought I knew what I was doing but the longer I think, the less sure I am

[leqclerc]

Sebastian & Charles | Running Up That Hill [x] And if I only could, I’d make a deal with God, and I’d get him to swap our places; I’d be running up that road, be running up that hill with no problems

[dragons-in-spaceee]

why are some days like you wake up thinking “this is gonna be a good day yayy :)” and then not even two hours later it’s the fucking worst day ever

[cursedfortune]

Welp it's going on 8AM and I still can't sleep. But what I can do is think about Mortem kissing someone at sunrise and how poetic it is.

It's mostly due to it signifying the new day and all the potential that exists. So it's cute if it's a partner she has already. I can see it as a routine little thing since she tends to wake up early. But if it's a new partner and that's their first kiss shared I'm like-- weak. Gives me the same feeling as Mortem on the beach or Mortem on the beach with another and what it represents with potential, too.

[finelineborderline]

for me, BPD can make me feel like my mind is a radio that was never tuned; all frequencies of all broadcasts on all channels are just blasting full time in my brain and i can’t always choose which one to focus on. can’t always tell which broadcasts are bullshit and which ones are important. which are truthful and which are lying. i get such a constant barrage of input that it gets almost impossible to filter out the helpful or unhelpful thoughts and they all end up blending together anyway. to have so many voices and ideas inside me, perpetually at war with each other...it drains me. it's exhausting.

[applestruda]

trying to do homework is so miserable rn....

phefhewfpahwef

yall for once Im having thoughts and my head isnt empty,, its just all red valley au and desert duo

[natjennie]

feeling a little uhh bad rn

[running-in-the-dark]

I've gotta go to the dentist again tomorrow. I got two fillings done on Thursday but they feel really rough and it's hurting my tongue (plus my brain doesn't stop noticing something like that so I'm constantly aware of it and it's exhausting), so I've got to get that fixed.

this time I have to drive myself, so I can't take any Lorazepam. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a quick visit anyway, at least this kind of thing has never taken long in the past, so. it should be fine, I know that. but I feel so shitty anyway. it's like the anxiety/fear is there right below the surface but it can't quite come out (probably thanks to the anxiety meds) so I just feel off all day. it sucks (though I much prefer this over the actual anxiety, that completely ruined the days leading up to anything like this).

[blxxdy-knucklez]

I've avoided crying except for when I hugged him before. I'm hoping to keep it that way so I guess I'm having that second bowl after all

[gregmarriage]

can’t tell if i’ve fucked up this courtship and we won’t get back to where we were and how nice it was, or if i’ve just woken up in a bad mood and i’m being overdramatic

[ughgoaway]

I wish I had any brain power rn. like I wanna write blurbs about dilf matty bc yall have given me so many cute ideas, and I want to scream about them, but the idea of typing anything more than 4 sentences makes me wanna scream. my brain is leaking out of my ears.

[takeaguessbuddy]

why do so many people think animation is made specifically for little kids and why am i not allowed to talk about it :(

[shopcat]

a clone is not a sci-fi miracle that's inherently evil or amoral just because there's (probably) no human cloning at this moment in history oh my god... we have made clones we've been making clones for years annoying rich people clone their pets all the time. you're just making a test tube baby from the dna of one person only instead of two it's not a moral failing you're not Barely Human you're a normal human being that was cloned. they'd probably even just squirt the cloning gunk into a surrogate bc the hardest part would be growing the baby i assume. if you found out you were secretly a ROBOT you would all run into the sea I know you're just lying for real... if you're a clone you just look like some other person which happens anyway. you just have an identical twin sibling who is older than you. and anyway you can just take hrt and then you won't look like them if it really is that horrible. unless you want to be a robot because it's cool i guess but otherwise you're all so dramatic 😑 i think being a clone would be cooler anyway

[bunnyb34r]

Gonna go get a UTI sitting in the movies for 3 hours 🥰 #TreatYourselfTuesday