#i wonder if I randomly sing other lyrics from musicals without realizing it

[rosicheeks]

Changed the background for you and that’s a great one! We could do that or light my candle!

[cherryblossomtease]

Chapter 17

18 + only

warnings and summary - Masterlist

These two...

I don't really think I need to say more

Authors Notes:This chapter is safe for everyone although I've been told it might get you emotionally... so I’ll add a hurt/comfort warning.

Two nights later, the air has grown noticeably warmer and not because of the heat from the boat but the change in climate.

The music and wine flow like water starting even before dinner so that by the time the small feast is finished, you’re feeling a good buzz and hinting at what you really want, what you’ve been craving and longing for. You can feel it in your bones, aching to be satisfied. It’s a deep sort of innate calling that can not be ignored and if you don’t give into it soon, you refuse to be held responsible for your actions…

So when Doja Cat starts singing so sweetly through the million dollar sound system that your eyes roll shut, you smack your hands down on the table and push your chair back, jumping up to give into that primal call because tonight— all you want to do is dance.

The second Zemo explained how the ships blocking technology would allow you travel undetected while still allowing for satellite use, you started abusing it to get into your Spotify and randomly put together a playlist knowing you’d need a night like this eventually. As tough as he can be about breaking rules— especially ones that involve real life consequences— Zemo is first of all; a sucker for a good dance night just as much as you are, and second; a complete pushover when it comes to the things you want. So when you pout just enough and ask real sweet, he does finally give in realizing that no amount of punishment can stop you. It’s Bucky who seems to forget about the playlist and who —surprise— refuses to get off his ass and dance, even though you try to get him to join you.

But you don’t care. You leave him and make your way into the lounge with its dim lighting, open floor and low couches letting it become your dance floor and take up the space beautifully; so much so that you don’t even notice you’re out there alone. You just keep singing “kiss me more”, grinning like a girl with 'nothing to lose' tossing your head back with a laugh, feeling the high.

Bucky sets his fork down and leans to the side in his chair watching over his shoulder. Zemo takes a swallow of wine, his eyes never leaving the sight of you framed by the lounge doorway as the sway of your hips and bounce of your ass becomes hypnotic. You toss your softest curves like sexual extensions of the music loving every beat until the last, and the song fades.

Resting your hands on the small of your back, you catch your breath with a wide grin. That was the perfect warm up. These poor boys have no idea what they’re in for…

You quickly turn and find them watching. A flush rises up your neck from the attention, growing your smile until it beams. “What?” But you know what.

Bucky shakes his head looking off, “That one on there twice?” He deadpans and tosses a piece of bread in his mouth.

You roll your eyes, laughing as you head back for the table, very much flattered by his— compliment— only to be stopped before you can sit down by the glorious voice of the one and only Whitney taking over the surround sound, declaring that she wants to ‘Dance With Somebody’.

You toss your arms in the air with a high pitched squeal making Bucky recoil like you’re a woman possessed.

“Oh come on! How can anyone resist this!” You shout at him over the distinct sounds of the 80’s and growl in frustration when he won’t budge. You huff and shove his shoulder, leaving him to go twirling back into the lounge again.

This is exactly what you’ve been craving. A night of good booze and food and solid, sweat inducing, “don’t give a shit what you look like” dancing. You’re already hopping around, feeling the delightful agony of wishing you had someone to dance with as only she can make you feel and singing at the top of your lungs, when you’re joined by, well, not the unlikely but still surprising presence of the Baron, just in time for him to perfectly mouth the lyrics along with you and Ms. Houston—

“I need a man who’ll take a chance

on a love that burns hot enough to last”

You jump back, hand over your mouth in delighted shock as you laugh louder than the music. Well aware of his hilarious charm, Zemo's smile grows as wide as yours.

Hands on your hips he yanks you forward and your thighs part to straddle his one. You let your head fall back dirty dancing style and slide your hands over his shoulders as he tickles your skin with a kiss between your breast —he’s been eying the plunging neckline of your white tank top since you came up for dinner — then lifts you back up, taking your hand and giving you a spin, your vintage Givenchy skirt flowing around your legs light as air.

You whirl into his arms, back pressed to him, your palms sliding along his thighs in those soft chinos as you wind your hips down and up feeling his hands close to near fists around your biceps. He’s got you held close as the two of you move, his cheek pressed to yours, his breath light down your neck and chest as you sing the verse alone this time with your eyes closed.

Never mind wanting to dance with somebody, you know what you want to do with him— wait, is that what this song is about?

He tosses you around and smiles at you with a look in his eyes that hints at maybe going below decks, hot as this is you still only want to dance and shake your head pulling free, rolling your eyes at him.

Zemo is too quick and grabs your arms again, pulling you into a hard kiss. He says something painfully sexy in Sokovian as you part, but you don't let on that he's almost got you and simply shrug, wink and slip away. He smiles as he waves a finger in your face like you might be in trouble for denying him but you just laugh harder thanking him for the dance.

Resigned to coming in second to the music tonight, Zemo waits besides you; both of you wondering what song will play next. You hope for something that will keep him on the floor because having Helmut back in your life like this is incredible. You glance at him, still amazed at how he transforms into this, fun, carefree man, so ready to live in this vibrant way. Master manipulator, wanted killer, singing and dancing to Whitney, sure. Why not.

You're grinning at him, swooning honestly, hopelessly swept up in what feels like a revival of the life you had as well as a celebration of what you’ve welcomed. Yes the dynamic has changed but only for the better. So, when the blaring call of very early 1940’s trumpets come blasting out of the speakers joined by a joyful dance rhythm unexpectedly, you and Zemo turn in unison to Bucky.

“What the…” You pull a face.

Bucky lifts his head looking confused for a second, followed by the widest smile you’ve ever seen. “Hey! This is the one I asked Zemo to put on there!”

You can’t help it and smile back. He can be saccharine sweet sometimes.

As the big band kicks in and the music builds you see him light up and leave his chair to join the two of you “May I cut in?” Bucky asks politely only glancing at Zemo.

“Please,” He answers and you notice how his eyes narrow ever so slightly when he looks at Bucky. There is something arresting about this and you quickly look from one man to the other as Helmut quietly goes back to enjoy the rest of his wine and the show.

“Just follow my lead doll; this song really swings.” Bucky says like he’s back at the dancehall and the crowd has parted just for the two of you.

“Oh my god. No. Bucky no.” You cringe, distracted by his— enthusiasm. Covering your face with your hands to hide the secondhand embarrassment, you watch him circle you through your fingers clearly not caring at all. When he reaches out and grabs your wrist without warning you scream, erupting with laughter as he tosses you away and into a spin.

It takes all of twenty seconds and a few fancy moves to realize that all the times you’ve teased the poor man about his terrible dance skills have been completely unfair. Your assessments have been based solely on the fact that you’ve been dragging him to clubs that bump with top ten hits. You want him to grind when really, Bucky just wants to glide.

Even in shorts and a loose button down he shines like a star out of time, so you just let the Sergeant do his thing and it’s ridiculously fun; even when you don’t know what’s going to happen next.

He pulls you close with his right hand keeping it firm on your back, while his black and gold cradles your left so gently. When the music breaks, Bucky leads you in a few turns and box steps that have you gazing at him. He just smiles and says in your ear, “Just trust me” Your eyes flutter shut at his words “Hands on my shoulders” He says and quickly takes you by the waist, lifting so that your legs go swinging up and out just like you’ve seen in old movies, letting you come down just as easy.

“Yeah?” He nods with a grin knowing you love it.

“Yes!” You laugh.

“Now this,” He says not missing the beat and hops you up swinging your legs past his waist and around his back so easily you’re standing on his other side and right back into a rocking box step before you have time to say a word. You just let it go on, and when the song comes to an end too soon for your liking, Bucky drops you into a dip so low that you cling to him, looking up into his eyes.

“Oh,” You sigh, understanding Bucky’s era a little better while feeling light headed, and not because of the dance. Why would anyone ever stopdancing this way? Now imagine if I actually knew what I was doing!

He’s grinning and cradles the back of your head, gently kissing you before lifting you back up onto your feet.

“That was incredible” You say breathless, “Really, I wish you would have shown me you know how to do that sooner!”

You swear he nearly blushes as he shrugs. “Never really had the chance.”

Zemo’s light applause gets your attention. Both of you turn in unison, your faces radiating the energy of the music though inside your heart is hurting as you glance at Bucky again. Remnants of your conversation from the bath come flying back to slice through the happy fabric of this night even though you’re trying your best not to think about it.

Zemo is smiling, albeit somewhat painfully which is not lost on you. But Bucky is distracting as he turns away to hide a confusing smile, batting those long lashes, averting those obscenely large blue eyes. Whoever gave a grown man permission to have eyes the size of a Disney princess should be drawn and quartered…

You inhale a shaking breath. It’s your warning of rising emotions that you don’t want getting in the way of your fun dance night. Damn it Barnes.

You sigh wondering if you’ve always loved him this much, or if it’s knowing that he won’t always be there that has you so taken with him tonight. Not so long ago he was just your best friend with lots of benefits. Now that just seems silly, like you were afraid to admit that you could love them both.

But here you are.

Bucky isn’t looking at you though.

You’re standing right next to him and his gaze is not swayed by you in the least.

As you slowly catch your breath from all the dancing —though you might lose it again with the way his profile glows in this lighting— for the first time since all of this began, you find yourself actually wanting him to look at you, but he’s too busy gazing at Zemo.

For a split second you feel the awful twinge of jealousy. It’s something you’ve never even considered before, but then again you’ve never felt this way; in fact you’ve been dealing with all sorts of wonderful, sometimes awful new feelings and you have to question why you torture yourself like this.But all it takes is one look at them and you know— one look at Bucky looking at Zemo and you see how he lifts his eyes with a sort of longing, some slightly sad bit of hope— it melts your heart and quiets the green eyed monster instantly. You can’t fault him, you used to look at Helmut the same way.

Speaking of, you notice the man himself take another long swallow of wine before standing. He crosses the floor looking like he really wants to say something— something important? You brace yourself for whatever it may be, but the the next song begins before he gets the chance.

Zemo stops in his tracks, recognizing it from the first note. He glances up towards the ceiling, his eyes scanning like he might locate the source of the music, then back down at Bucky. There’s a funny look on his face, almost like he’s been caught? But he doesn’t stop it from playing.

The drums, the keys, the dramatic intro… You know this song, just not this version. It’s actually one of your favorites, but really? Disco?

“Zemo. This is all you, isn’t it?” You groan with your hand on your hip, trying not to show him how utterly adorable he can be. You actually love his random taste in music but maybe some rules for the playlist next time…

He holds up a finger. “Don’t shit on disco.” He warns coming closer.

“Pretty sure I’m happy I missed this era.” Bucky mumbles. He rolls his eyes and attempts to go sit back down but Zemo is quick and grabs his arm as he passes. “No, you’re already here.” He says holding Bucky firm and they look at one another— the single fold of Helmut's dark-blue short sleeve pulls tight against the curve of his muscle showing the strong tension between them which you find inappropriately attractive— Bucky looks down like he’s surprised if not slightly offended and Zemo eases his hold tilting his head with a smile. As a reminder of the hierarchy on board he pulls Bucky ever so slightly closer.

“Disco is the music of a revolution James. Everyone was told to hate it by the people who feared it, and the culture it represented which is a shame. Some of the greatest anthems came from that time, inspired by the people who fought for us to have the freedoms we take for granted. People without our privilege. You should respect it a little more.”

Bucky leans back opening his mouth to argue but closes it just as quickly. He can’t object to that.

You just grin. Zemo going on a sociopolitical tangent always makes you swoon.

His expression does soften though, and he smooths his other hand down Bucky’s chest, letting his fingers slip under the open collar of the soldier’s loose shirt. “You see if I was not a criminal, and you were not an avenger,” He looks over at you and smiles. “And she were not an accomplice to our many sins; we could walk down certain streets displaying our relationship without much retaliation.” Bucky nods, appreciating his simple explanation even though it’s not needed. He certainly understands the point. “Also, it should be noted that while Thelma Houstons version of this song is absolutely categorized under disco, this, is an R&B classic.

Of course he knows that. You can only laugh to yourself as you’re easily reminded in the moment that you are very much in love with two men.

“And” He looks at Bucky again, all the humor gone replaced by a softness that surprises you. “I did not intend for it to play,”

The wine may have dulled your senses but not so much that you can’t pick up on the unease between them and you call for the song to skip not wanting either of them to feel uncomfortable. But Helmut shakes his head and finally lets go of Bucky’s arm only to touch his face.

“No,” He says to you without taking his eyes off of Bucky “It’s all right. I think now is the perfect time” You see Bucky almost smile at Zemo as he tells the device to start the song over but instead winces like he hates that its starting again.

“Please don’t” Bucky tries to joke and groans, pulling away. He pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head. He’s laughing to himself and you can hear that in spite of his attempts, whatever this is, is anything but funny. But for what its worth he doesn’t go and sit.

Helmut just stands there looking at him as the music starts again and you smile because of Bucky’s irritation, thinking you’ll see the same playfulness in Zemo, instead you find his eyes looking ever so slightly dejected. But the beat distracts you from your concern and you start moving; shoulders first, head to the side hips hitting the beat. This is not what you were expecting.

Don’t leave me this way.

I can’t survive, I can’t stay alive

Without you love

Don’t leave me this way no

You hum along, your eyes shutting at the deep, restrained sadness of the baritone voice surrounding you while they stand there looking at each other.

This won’t do.

You step behind Bucky smoothing your hand down his vibranium arm and lift his hand to lay it on Helmut’s shoulder, swaying Bucky’s hips with yours until he’s sort of moving on his own.

Still they keep looking at each other like there’s some barrier between them and it’s strange but this song is… Helmut picked it?

You smile and lay your head on Bucky’s back reaching your hand through the space between his arm and waist and grab Zemo’s shirt bringing them close, thinking for once the Baron could use a little help.

Dont leave me this way,

a broken man with empty hands,

oh baby please please,

don’t leave me this way

Your eyes flit up and around, catching a glimpse of Zemo who gazes at Bucky like he’s trying to make a memory of his face without being caught in the act and you feel the words of the song heavy in your heart, their straight forward meaning striking a nerve as the music builds and the absolute need to move your body takes hold.

You leave Bucky, bouncing off into your own world, which when you close your eyes becomes a shower of glitter and light across a dark dance floor…

Baby, my heart is full of love and desire for you.

So come on down and do what you’ve got to do

You started this fire down in my soul

Now can’t you see it’s burning out of control

Come on Satisfy the need in me

Cause only your good love can set me free

The stir of music and words flows through you like honey. Your fingers slide down your neck between the valley of your breast and over your stomach as you twist and turn and you let yourself feel the pull between the beat that wants you to be happy, and his voice insisting otherwise, and this damn song threatens to rip your heart out.

You open your eyes and turn to them wondering what you might find. Much better… Bucky has finally given in.

He could no sooner resist Helmut than you could a hard beat and a good bass line. Not to mention Zemo knows how to win a man over. Tonight he moves just as he should for this one. It’s hardly dancing as you might define it, but the Sergeant won’t show off unless he’s got trumpets and band leaders to inspire him apparently, but as you sway, you see how Helmut puts his arms around Bucky’s neck when the next verse begins and Bucky slowly moves his hands to Zemo’s back, letting his body do what comes naturally, and they look beautiful as they move together creating their own flow. No it’s hardly dancing, but it seems to be what they need right now.

Don’t you understand I’m at your command

Oh baby please don’t leave me this way

Helmut takes hold of Bucky’s shirt collar, his other hand flat on his chest as he finally lets Bucky see the way he’s been looking at him since the song began, since the night began, since this morning… always.

I can’t survive

I can’t stay alive

Without you love

Dont leave me this way,

No

You stop dancing because you see it too and press your fingers to your lips, inhaling deeply as you watch Bucky grab the Baron’s arms with a pent up aggression that makes you think you might forget how to breathe as it becomes clear…

Helmut hadn’t meant for Bucky to hear this song because when he chose it, his heart was breaking, but he wants him to see now. He needs to be vulnerable in front of the man he loves. But you have to wonder, why this night?

The three of you stand frozen in the center of the room while the music dances around you…

I don’t want you to go

See I love you, you can’t go

Would you stay with me, stay, stay with me please…

The desperate look in Helmut’s eyes as he searches Bucky’s face makes tears well unexpectedly in your own and you know you’re about to find out what’s happened between them that you were not a part of.

“I’m sorry.” Helmut says stepping back, letting go. He’s standing too still as the next song, thankfully a quiet one, simply asks “who’s going to drive you home” His frown is deep even though he’s clearly not angry, maybe just a little scared. “James…”

“Don’t apologize.” Bucky says, turning away with a heavy sigh like he knew this was coming. He shakes his head and rolls his eyes not sure he wants to hear it. “Please don’t. It’s fine.” The way he turns back to look Zemo in the eyes —all stoic super hero tough guy— you can tell he’s being dismissive and distant to protect himself but the cracks in his facade are showing.

“No. No it was anything but fine.” Zemo insists sounding very calm, but angry with himself as he stares right back at Bucky.

“Really. I-I shouldn’t have said anything,” Bucky says and ducks his chin, his defenses breaking. He goes quiet, sighs and speaks to the floor. “It’s just being here, with you and her; everything we’ve done together…” He glances up but finds it hard to keep eye contact “I got carried away, maybe saw something that just isn’t there”

Wait. You see tears in his eyes and step forward. Is this what you think it is?

“That’s not true.” Helmut wants to say more but he falls short and turns away, pressing his finger to his lips in thought. He looks down before glancing over at you.

You love him, you do, but you know how he can be. He pushes back when it gets real. He doesn’t mean to and you know he won’t always, but you’re afraid he has now, so you simply smile and nod hoping he will listen to your silent plea and just say what’s in his heart. It’s the least that Bucky deserves.

Head tilting very slowly, Helmut seems to come to a realization as he looks at you. He hears and sees. He knows.

Quickly looking back at Bucky, his chest rising with a deep breath, he finds the words, and you quickly take the moment to look at James Buchanan Barnes too— the man who is the other half of your heart. The soft, gentle protecter who holds you when you cry, who makes you laugh even when he’s upset just to make you feel better— if he’s all of that and more to you, what must he be to the man who met him first?

Helmut reaches out, grabbing Bucky by the shoulder, his grip inching up along his neck in an attempt to get him to look into his eyes. His other hand goes to Bucky’s face turning his head until Bucky has no choice but to look at him and Helmut smiles, looking a little relieved for it. His thumb brushes the soft shadow of Bucky’s stubble and you see so easily how deeply he cares. “I should not have walked away. That was wrong and I am sorry. Forgive me James— please.” Brown eyes gaze into blue, flitting back and forth quickly looking for any sign to go on, but he can’t wait, not now. “I never thought I’d hear you say those words to me and I was not ready.” He swallows hard, but the tears are coming anyway.

Bucky’s vibranium hand closes around Zemo’s wrist like he wants to break free but his heart won’t let him. “I thought maybe I’d said the wrong thing, or— maybe that’s not what this is?”

Fuck he sounds so hurt. You have to cover your mouth with your hand as you very quietly walk away and go to sit by the pool letting them have this alone…

“No” Helmut says, his attempt at a reassuring smile anything but as they come closer and their mouths almost meet as though they might kiss, but instead their foreheads touch and push angrily against one another. No —not one another— against the world and the many choices made by other people who sealed their fate as enemies long before they ever met. Thankfully neither of them were very good at listening to decisions made by other people.

“You were right.” Helmut says softly. “You were right and I should have said it back,” He shuts his eyes and exhales slowly feeling the weight lift from his chest. Wanting to see that perfect face when he says it, Helmut pulls back and speaks the truth as he should have this morning. “I do, James. I do love you.” He says without looking away, “Very much.”

The look of pain on the White Wolf’s face is in stark contrast to the joy in his heart. A burst of laughter, more like a release of the many emotions Helmut has put him through today escapes his lips just before their mouths meet in a hard kiss that draws a moan from him, muffled against Helmuts lips.

Bucky opens his eyes while they are still close, wanting to remember Helmut Zemo with tears on his lashes the first time he says those words.

“I’m sorry too.” Bucky says when they part. Their hands still gently competing to touch one another. He wins for now, brushing the thick lock of hair from Helmuts brow.

“For what?” Helmut asks, his rough voice so quiet.

“If I could stay…” Bucky sighs.

“I know.”

“I don’t want to leave you, either of you.”

“I know you don’t”

“I swear it.”

“I know”

“I love you Helmut.” Bucky insists grabbing at him.

“I know.”

“I thought I could make it work somehow… figure something out but. But apparently not. I guess I’m not the smart avenger.”

Helmut smiles. “Stop talking James.”

Bucky laughs even though he feels like crying and Zemo kisses him lightly, holds his face, looks into his eyes and kisses him again before hugging him.

When he moves his hand as though he expects to feel something or someone, he turns to look for you and you notice from your place far across the deck. He calls your name and you get up going to them.

You move in slowly not wanting to intrude, but he gives you a funny look and reaches for you, pulling you in the second you are close so quickly, that you practically collapse into their arms. Both he and Bucky make room until you are welcomed into the warmth showing that you were never excluded, you are as much a part of the heartache as you are the love.

A kiss from Zemo comes first; firm, thankful, he loves you, he needs you. A second from Bucky; soft, elated — you both grin— “Should have played the disco version,” Bucky says dragging his gaze from your eyes to Zemo’s “At least disco makes people happy.” He teases, smiling when you do. Bucky brushes your cheek with the back of his hand, turning his warm palm to hold your face for a second before raising his head to see if the Baron is in a lighter mood.

Zemo sighs “It— doesn’t hit the same” He says with that glorious accent chuckling a little when you cackle. Even Bucky knows it’s funny. “Besides; happy, sad, the point is to feel,” Helmut goes on as you turn to put your arms around your beloved Sokovian Baron laying your head on his chest. His kiss is lost in your hair and you pull back to see his face.

He looks at you, never embarrassed by his emotions, just impressed by his own ability to be wonderfully dramatic. “She knows how I get. With wine and good music there are no guarantees which side of me you’ll uncover,” He says stroking your arm.

“Well I like every side.” Bucky replies. You look over your shoulder at him watching his smile alternate between cute and suggestive and you can feel the electric charge between them. There is more to it than the animal attraction that was always there before, now there is the security of professed love and doors that have been opened tonight will never close again.

Zemo’s muscles tense ever so slightly, his touch changes and instead of the flat of his fingers you feel his nails. The rhythm of his stroke pauses, he holds you tight and nods for Bucky to come close and they kiss again. When they part you all do, Bucky and you standing together facing him.

“You forgive me for my reaction earlier?” Zemo asks sounding so sweet you hardly recognize his voice.

Bucky looks at him for a while and so do you. Thick dark hair, parted as always, brown eyes sparkling in the warm low light, shirt open enough to distract— his smile is so dangerous. God you’d forgive him for a long list of things.

“Yeah, of course. And, I had a feeling you’d come around, she said as much a few days ago.”

Zemo looks down at you curious.

“Well, you’re not very good at hiding it. I knew you loved me before you did.” You say scrunching your nose at him.

He laughs like he’s been ganged up on but quickly gives in with a sigh, knowing damn well this is true. Helmut shakes his head looking from one face to the other, pinching your chin, laughing softly again. “Listen to me. Both of you.” He says pulling you back into his arms, laying his hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “We reach our designation at the end of the week. I won’t spend the time I have with the two of you thinking of the time that I don’t,”

You couldn’t agree more. Enough. You all know how it will end, it’s your time together that matters.

“Since I am apparently so horrible at keeping my feelings to myself.” He teases to your mutual amusement. “I won’t. I love you both, and I’ll show you as I always have. I only want one thing from you James.” He says making Bucky perk up. “Let me claim you as I haven’t yet,” He says, his hold on Bucky’s shoulder tightening slightly. It’s an ask because Zemo respects him enough not to demand it— but the moment Bucky says yes there will only be commands.

Please say yes, you bite your lip waiting.

Bucky actually does the same thing, a habit he’s picked up from you and you giggle to yourself watching how his pretty pink lip goes a shade darker when he lets it free from his teeth. He’ll give in of course, but for a moment he needs to resist, just to stay true to his stubborn nature.

When he lifts his head again he actually looks at you because he knows you’ll share this experience with him— of course you want this.

And then he looks at Zemo. The man whose name he’d once written on his list of people to kill— now the man he would protect with his own life.

Bucky reaches out and takes his hand and any worry of rejection, no matter how small fades from Helmut’s eyes as his smile spreads wide and warm, and loving. And Bucky gives a soft but very clear, yes.

*

End Notes: I listened to this playlist on endless repeat while writing this chapter. Not all of the songs feature in the story of course but damn did it get me in that headspace. Sometimes you just need to put on some sexy sad timeless campy glam and be dramatic for no damn reason. So if you need a little over the top joy in your life, have a listen, but don't say I didn't warn you.

[sarcastically-defensive17]

Hey, ida if you're accepting request, but how about reader and Luke being dating for a few years but lately they're having a lot of fights and he's very busy with the album, and then there is the quarantine and instead of work things out they just avoid each other, so reader maybe learnt to play piano bc of Luke and sings out of love by Alessia Cara and Luke is just like "I fucked up" and well they try to make it work... Pretty please

Out of love - L. Hemmings

Requests are always open! Send them in here: REQUESTSSS

I absolutely adore this idea, and that song is gorgeous but I think it kind of went down hill as I wrote it! I hope you like it!

Original story by sarcastically-defensive17

After five years, Y/N and Luke had seen almost all of the bad times. You had been there from the very start. she held his hand while they all counted the seconds until the first album dropped. She stood by his side through scandals, and hate from fans and media alike. She was his rock, and he was hers.

The past month had been the most stressful of his career, and that really is saying something. Y/N tried her hardest to be there for him. The spread of the Coronavirus had everybody on edge, Y/N included. Luke, on the other hand, spent many hours of the day going over the effects the outbreak and impending quarantine could have on his career. Namely, the release of their newest album.

They had both hit the end of their ropes. Y/N would get defensive over the slightest comment, and Luke would lash out randomly. The stress spent more time building for the two of them than it did easing.

Arguments almost every day for two weeks, hours spent up at night sitting in a tense silence while trying to figure out the cause of their issues.

In five years, Y/N had never shouted at her love so much. In five years, Luke had never avoided his girl so much.

They hit rock bottom when a small question escalated into an argument.

"Honey? You okay?" She asked after she walked in on Luke launching his phone onto their shared bed.

"I'm fine." He barely looked at her, snapping the words out of pure frustration at the world.

At this point, it was hard for Luke to see anything other than anger. He was simply so aggravated with everything that he could barely even acknowledge who he directed his anger towards.

Unfortunately, Y/N was quickly growing to be the same way.

"Rather than being an ass about it, you could just talk to me, you know?" She snipped, rolling her eyes at the tall man.

From there, it escalated dramatically. Insults were thrown, screams were released, and finally, Y/N told him to leave.

"If you would stop being an uptight bitch for one second, you would realize that I don't need your goddamn help, Y/N!"

Her mouth dropped at the words, and his jaw mirrored the action. It was the last straw. They had both thrown many insults at one another over the years, but the malice in his voice told her that he meant every word.

"Get the hell out." She turned away from him, intending to leave the room. "I'm not dealing with your self-centered bullshit anymore, Luke."

"I'm not leaving my own house," He scoffed, and a sarcastic laugh escaped from his throat.

She turned back to him, eyes full of unshed tears and an anger he had never before seen plastered on her face.

"Fine. You wanna stay? Then stay." her hands found her suitcase - the same one Luke had bought her for the bands 'Sounds Live, Feels Live" tour - and began piling clothes inside. She didn't pay attention to what was thrown in, but as soon as it was full, and she had kissed Petunia on the head, she left.

She found herself on Crystal's doorstep, tears falling from her eyes, sobs wracking her form.

She was ordered to stay at the Clifford household until she was ready to go back home. Back to him.

A week had passed and nothing. She tried to call him after five days and the call went straight to his voicemail.

Despite the presence of one of her best friends, and the overly cheerful Michael Clifford, she couldn't shake how lonely she was without the presence of the man she loved.

She made the decision to leave the house. She wanted some space.

She expected a call or something after a few days. She expected him to answer the phone when she called, even if it ended in a screaming match. She wanted at least something to remind her that she was still his.

A few days later, and they were required to enter quarantine. Crystal, in all her overbearing instincts, ordered her to occupy their spare bedroom until she could go back to her own house.

Which meant more time away from Luke.

14 days had passed and he had ignored every one of her calls, her messages. She had even tried to send him a message on Instagram in hopes that she would get a reply. She simply got left on open.

After five years, he had made it clear that he was done with her, and she was truly heart broken.

Her emotions got the best of her and she had found herself toying with the piano that Michael had in his practice room.

She was flooded with memories of countless secret lessons spent with Ashton in hopes of learning one of their songs for Luke. Y/N knew how much music meant to Luke, and she thought it would be a good way to pull some emotion from him during the tough time, but unfortunately, she never got so far.

For the first time in their relationship, Luke had counted down the seconds until release alone. He should have been happy but all he could feel was guilt flow through his body with every beat of his heart.

It killed him to think of his girl sitting all alone, counting the minutes down as they had for the previous three albums.

It hurt him to keep a smile on his face through the Instagram lives, and talk about how he wrote some of the lyrics to 'Lover of Mine' with the woman.

What really struck a chord in him, was the video she had posted the day after the release.

The picture was black and white, similar to the one he uploaded of his 'Best Years' performance.

Y/N was positioned at a piano, as she skillfully played the intro to an Alessia Cara song she loved, but he couldn't remember the name.

He had heard her sing before, but never to this extent. She looked at home with the keys in front of her.

I won't tell you I'm lonely, 'cause it might be selfish. I won't ask you to hold me 'cause that won't mend what's helpless.

His stomach dropped as the lyrics flooded his mind. The song was about an intense heartbreak, a longing for answers.

He could faintly see the outline of a tear dropping down her cheek, but she kept her voice strong. The black and white video was chosen especially to hide her emotions.

There's not a thing I could say, not a song I could sing for your mind to change.

He knew the song was dedicated to him. He didn't know when she had learned to play his favourite instrument, but he was lost in the perfection of her every move.

His heart yearned to hold the woman in his arms and apologize for every wrong he had committed over the past month and a half.

But let me ask you one thing, oh, when did you fall out of love? Out of love. Oh, when did you fall out of love with me?

He knew she was hurting. He had avoided her messages because he was too blinded by his own anger and stress to truly realize the damage he had done to the woman.

She looked physically in pain, yet her beauty still radiated through the grey scale video. Tears dropped from his own eyes as he witnessed the woman he loved experience such heartache.

She truly believed he had fallen out of love with her because of his actions.

He had hurt her so deeply.

Before he could finish the video, his keys were in hand and he was slamming the door behind him.

The doorbell rang through Michael and Crystal's house and Y/N made a move to get the door. They were all stumped as to who it could be, as everybody was to maintain social distance and only leave the house to retrieve essentials.

As soon as the door was opened, a mop of blond curls had attacked her, wrapping his long arms around her body and dragging her into one of the many rooms of the Clifford house, leaving a very confused Michael and Crystal watching the scene from a lounge.

The door was closed behind them, but the large human had yet to detach himself from her body and instead, ended up kneeled in front of her, forehead pressed against her stomach and sobs shaking his body against hers.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. I fucked up. I fucked up big time," his voice was wet through the heavy sobs and her fingers went to his hair, hoping to soothe him enough to calm the tears.

Luke felt so guilty. He had hurt her so much and not had a single care for the repercussions. He was selfish and convinced the woman, who had stood by his side for five years, through so much, that he didn't love her.

All because he was stressed over the album.

"Luke-"

"No," he cut her off, standing to his feet so she can see the intensity of his puffy eyes, "No. You have every right to be mad at me. I fucked up, Y/N. I was so worried about how we were going to promote the album and what was going to happen with the quarantine that I took it out on you. I can't apologize to you enough."

She had spent too many sleepless nights wondering if he would ever speak to her again, and if he still loved her that she was at a loss of words when he finally made contact.

"Luke," she tried, taking a moment to piece together what she wanted to say. "You can be such an asshole sometimes."

He laughed at the emission, waiting with bated breath to find out if she still wanted him around.

"I will forever be in your corner. I will always be on your side, and I act like an overbearing bitch because I care about you, but so help me, if you ever say that to me again, I won't forgive you," Her voice was strict, and he nodded at the instructions.

He can't believe he let the words fall from his lips. He would never intentionally hurt the woman, and he was beyond disgusted at himself for making her think he would ever stop loving you.

"I love you so much, Y/N. I'm so sorry," he stated, pulling into another hug.

"I love you too, Lu."

"You're only meant to leave the house for essentials, Lucas!" Michael screeched from the doorway, cringing at the couple while Crystal rolled her eyes at him.

"I know. Y/N is the only essential I need."

[ivalice-tifalucis]

Suddenly in some random mood with this song again. This song is a prove I was meant to be a Take That fan and most importantly a Gary Barlow fan. I don’t think I have ever told you how important this song is so bear with me. I’m gonna swim deep into this, also telling how I found out about this song which later lead me to become a Take That fan.

This song is a piece from the “dark” days when Gary solely became a songwriter and producer. If you go back to this era, you might think of Blue or Westlife as these lucky people who got Gary (and Eliot Kennedy obvs) as their songwriters. But for me, Delta Goodrem is what always gonna be in my head. I don’t even like Delta Goodrem and “Not Me, Not I” is the only so that I know from her yet this song is one of my favorite song of all time.

“Not Me, Not I” was written in 2003 by our dear Captain and Eliot Kennedy with Kara DioGuardi, Jarrad Rogers, and ofc Delta Goodrem herself. Based from what I read on wikipedia, Delta Goodrem, who at that time was known for her piano ballad singles in Australia, was making her debut album. The whole concept of the album, “Innocent Eyes” was a piano-based pop and ballad. Therefore, she worked to make a good pop ballad songs with bunch of produsers and songwriters and yes two of them were Gary Barlow and Eliot Kennedy. Actually, after I know more about Gary’s discography, I can feel Gary’s presence in the piano ballad. No, he wouldn’t write that kind of lyric, but the piano sound, especially the intro part, it sounds like the reverse version of Forever Love. It’s reversed because instead of being lovey and poetic, this intro feels like sad, anger, and strife. Since then, everytime I listen to this song, I would imagine what Gary was like when he wrote this song and record the piano section for Delta. Tousled short hair, awful goatee, slightly chubby, looking gloomy, sitting with his keyboard in recording room.

Anyway, Gary and Eliot also wrote and produced couple of other songs on this album but only this one became a single, the third single to be exact. It was number one in Australia, all is good.

Cut to around 4 years later, in 2007 (I guess, because I forgot when exactly, could be 2008), Take That was back as TT4, Gary was no longer writing songs and producing them for other people because after more than 5 years, he can finally grace the public eye without being shamed, humiliated, and compared to Robbie Williams. He can write songs that he and his three other mates will sing and perform. All is good. However, at that time, I didn’t know Take That, yet. “Patience” probably played randomly on local radio but I wouldn’t care because I was in my manga/anime and Disney phase, with Queen and Guns N’ Roses and other hard rock bop as a weird mix in between. I rarely listen to radio even then, opting for mp3 mix that me or my dad made. But this is the time when I know this song. It was from my dad, he bought bootleg mp3 mix on mp3 stores (there were plenty back in the day before music streaming became a thing) and one of many songs inside that mp3 mix is this one. My first impression was that this song is a good pop ballad. I replayed this song during the car rides and then my dad ended up loving this too. I love this song so much that I made the cover out of it (and couple of years later I uploaded it to my soundcloud). One of the best song I’ve ever heard yet I had no idea who Delta Goodrem even was.

Cut to three years later, 2010. At this moment, I knew “Rule the World”. One afternoon during fasting month, I came home from school early and accidentally watch Stardust on HBO then came the credits and I love the credits song. Took me a while to find it but I finally found out it was “Rule the World” from IMDB. A song by a band named Take That. It also became one of my favorite song of all time. My brother and my dad also enjoyed it when I tune the song during car ride. My dad even once played “Rule the World” over and over again until I’m sick of it. If only I knew at that time Take That finally as TT5 with Robbie who completed the puzzle. They went to make the best album they ever made, Progress. Sadly, I was also on the brink of depression. New school, new environment, no friend to share, some bullying, betrayed by best friend. To cope with that, I was in youtube phase where I watched so many youtube videos and eventually also music covers. I couldn’t careless about some boyband consists of 5 middle age men. I also watched the “Rule the World” music video but you know that video. The quality is awful you can’t see anyone’s faces. I was also convinced at that time that Take That is a pop-rock band 😂 but Rule the World mv confused me tho. Why were all they singing? But why only the frontman is heard? 😂

Two years later, 2012, I watched them perform “Rule the World” in Olympic closing ceremony and that was when I realize Take That is actually a group band.

2013, I listened to “Impossible” by James Arthur thanks to the fact that it was played on supermarket many times. Later on, I found out this song is a cover and that he sang this as his winner song for The X Factor. I watched the video when he sang this and won and realized that one of The X Factor judge is that guy from Take That. So I googled that to confirm, yep it’s true. I didn’t remember his name tho. I just remember he’s handsome 😂

And then five years later, I got the news that Robbie Williams was filling in as World Cup 2018 opening ceremony performer. To this day I still think it’s weird why they invite Robbie instead of the World Cup song’s singer (should be Jason Derulo or Will Smith). I have known Robbie at this point because my dad sometimes would sing “Feel” or “Better Man” during karaoke. So I watched the ceremony on tv. It was good. So I decided to found out more about Robbie Williams beyond “Feel” or “Better Man” while ofc following the World Cup. By the end of World Cup, I knew so much more about Robbie Williams than I was for the last 23 years of my life. The big shock was when I found out he was in Take That!! What?? But he’s not in “Rule the World”??!! Oh but he left in the 90s, so Take That is originally a boyband in the 90s?? But wait, his most recent stint with Take That was in 2010??!!! They made a successful album??! Then I watched “The Flood” music video where Robbie Williams sang the main part and Take That frontman who also that handsome judge in The X Factor sang the second. It was epic!!!! Then I start to remember his name, Gary Barlow. That name would never be erased from my head as I read his wikipedia page to found out that he wrote “Not Me, Not I”. One of my most favorite song of all time. The song that I’ve been singing so many times. Turns out, he made that song. He made “Rule the World”. I was mindblown. No wonder I love these songs.

And that’s the beginning of the journey.

Anyway, this is the album version where you can hear (possibly) Gary’s piano playing. I put Delta’s 10th anniversary version from youtube at the top because I love her performance there. Such an underrated singer.

[starbuck]

Choir Music Recs!

As promised, here is my list of choir songs that I recommend to everyone, not just choir folks. It’s definitely highly biased to my personal taste and experience (so much so that I’m organizing it by school year!) so this list is just a tiny fraction of the amazing choir music out there that you can find and listen to on youtube or elsewhere but it’s a good place to start at least!

I’ll be linking one or more recordings that are online free for each song and I’ll also include a little personal blurb with each rec because why not (but feel free to skip those and just listen to the music - I won’t be offended)!

Now, without further ado, here’s the list!!

Freshman year:

There Will Come Soft Rains by Kevin Memley

And Spring herself, when she woke at dawn, would scarcely know that we were gone.

I’m a little short on recs for freshman year since I was in Select Women’s Choir rather than Chorale but I couldn’t make this list without including this song. This was the first of three pieces I sang in high school that’s an arrangement of a Sara Teasdale poem. Without this, I might not even know about one of my favorite poets! And the music is so beautiful that there’s no better introduction to Sara Teasdale. Fun Fact! I had a “solo note” in this song because all the other Soprano 1′s were afraid to sing a high A (cowards).

Sophomore year:

Jenny by Ryan Kerr and Nick Myers

In the darkness, in the starlight, I hear angels sing your name as they bear you through the heavens to the light from which you came. Quietly the strain falls out of tune. Shadows steal across a lonely moon. I miss you so.

This song was and is of such massive importance to me that I don’t think I could possibly overstate my love for it. The lyrics and arrangement are so gorgeous that Chorale just sort of melted together as we sang it. And we cried. There was a lot of crying. The recording I’m going to link is from one of my high school’s concerts last year because some seniors (who sang this with me when they were freshmen) wanted to sing it one last time and got a small group together to do so. There are possibly “better” recordings out there, but I could never listen to one that isn’t from my school because I know how much love it was sang with there. (Not pictured in the video: me, in the front row at the concert, quietly singing along to the Soprano 1 part.)

My Soul’s Been Anchored in the Lord by Moses Hogan

Do you love him? (Oh yes!) Do you love him? (Hallelujah!) Do you love him? (Oh yes!) God almighty! (Are you anchored?) Are you anchored? (Oh yes!) YES I’m anchored my soul’s been anchored in the Lord!

There are no lyrics I could possibly include that could hope to get across how truly incredible this song is so my advice is to just have a listen - you will not regret it! This was essentially Chorale’s anthem sophomore year; we seriously loved singing this because it was just SO fun! All I regret about high school choir is that we didn’t sing more from Moses Hogan because holy moly are his arrangements amazing!

Sleep by Eric Whitacre

Upon my pillow safe in bed, a thousand pictures fill my head. I cannot sleep my mind’s a’flight and yet my limbs seem made of lead. If there are noises in the night, a frightening shadow, flickering light, then I surrender unto sleep where clouds of dream give second sight.

This is the piece that got little fifteen year-old me to raise my hand during rehearsal and and say “I think this song might be about death” to which my choir director replied something along the lines of “no shit” (but in a nice way because she’s not a mean person lol). This is one of the most beautiful choir songs I’ve ever heard and the quintessential Eric Whitacre piece full of “big smushy chords” and dissonance. If you don’t listen to anything else on this list, listen to this one. Also! the recording I’m linking here is from Voces8 which is a group I highly recommend checking out in general.

Junior year:

I Should Be Glad by Susan LaBarr

I should be glad of loneliness And hours that go on broken wings, A thirsty body, a tired heart And the unchanging ache of things, If I could make a single song As lovely and as full of light, As hushed and brief as a falling star On a winter night.

This is an arrangement of my favorite Sara Teasdale poem, “Compensation,” which I have included the full text of above. When I sang this piece, I, and most of my Choralemates as well, I believe, misconstrued the text to mean “I ought to be glad” rather than its actual meaning, “I would be glad (if...)” which drastically altered our interpretation and made us dislike it quite a bit. Since getting into Teasdale’s work though, I revisited the poem and realized our error. With my reading now correct, I appreciate this arrangement a lot more and I wish I had understood it at the time because it truly is a beautiful work in all ways.

Rytmus by Ivan Hrusovsky

(uhhhh just listen to it lol)

Here’s a fun one! We definitely struggled to get our tempo up on this one because of how challenging the music was to learn but it’s quite the thing to listen to a choir that gets it right.

Only in Sleep by Ēriks Ešenvalds

Only in sleep Time is forgotten— What may have come to them, who can know?

Another Sara Teasdale poem! This one probably made the largest impression on me because Chorale ended up singing it at a funeral so it carried some heavy emotions for us. Another piece that is beautiful in every way.

No Time by Susan Brumfield

Rise, oh fathers rise, let’s go meet ’em in the skies. We will hear the angels singing in that morning. Oh I really do believe that, just before the end of time, we will hear the angels singing in that morning.

I almost gave up on looking for a good recording of this piece on youtube, not because there aren’t a lot to choose from by talented choirs, but because I think there’s a certain amount of awe one has to convey to sing this piece correctly. I sang it with Quartet to open our Spring Concert (which had been transformed into a memorial concert for a beloved teacher who had passed suddenly and also moved from our school to a massive theatre downtown, so you can imagine the kind of pressure we were under). Needless to say, we were terrified, but this piece is also terrifying so it sort of fit and we sang it well. (Note for the video: this choir is absolutely incredible but the person recording goes a bit nuts with the zoom function of their camera so maybe don’t look at the screen as you listen!)

The Storm is Passing Over by Charles Tindley and Barbara Baker

Have courage my soul and let us journey on, though the night is dark and I am far from home. Thanks be to God, the morning light appears.

The sister song to ‘No Time’ at the previously mentioned concert! This was my favorite piece I ever did with Quartet and we often randomly broke into it during rehearsals the next year because we loved it so much. I spoke up about this song during a Quaker meeting I attended at some point because I had an epiphany about the lyrics and it felt like the right thing to do in the moment. Afterwards people told me what I said was good but I think they were just being nice. (Notes: the song begins about one minute into the video I linked and also, check out the full original lyrics by Charles Tindley here - they’re incredible!)

This Marriage by Eric Whitacre

May this marriage be a sign of compassion, a seal of happiness, here and hereafter.

This song is just gorgeous. It’s relatively low-key for an Eric Whitacre piece but its understatedness highlights the beauty of the arrangement. I don’t have to tell you that Rumi was an amazing poet but also I love how the end of this piece just descends into joyful singing without words. When one is out of words to speak, then one must sing.

Loch Lomond by Jonathan Quick

Oh! Ye’ll take the high road, and I’ll take the low road, And I’ll be in Scotland afore ye, But me and my true love will never meet again, On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond.

I’m cheating a bit by including this on the list because I did not personally sing this piece. However, five guys who were in Chorale decided to form a small group and sing this song at both the memorial concert and the funeral so, having heard them sing it a handful of times in such emotional settings, it was special to me as well. (Note for the video: the intro is very goofy and the actual song begins at 1:10 so skip to that! It’s truly a fantastic performance and it sounds very like what my Choralemates did since it’s a quartet.)

Senior year:

Will the Circle Be Unbroken by J. David Moore

I was born down (I was born down) in the valley (in the valley) where the sun refuse to shine (where the sun refuse to shine) but I’m climbing (but I’m climbing) up to the highlands (up to the highlands). Gonna make that mountain mine!

This song was taught to us and directed by our student teacher from the local university. A lot of our student teachers in past years had been awkward and too nervous to truly engage with us but she was the best we ever had. This song was unifying for us and always a delight to sing. The recording I’m linking is from a concert at my school the year after I graduated where they reprised the song and it’s as wonderful as ever.

The Wisdom of the Moon by Susan LaBarr

in the dark of night, let me learn the wisdom of the moon. How it waxes and wanes but does not die, how it gives itself to shadow knowing it will return whole once more.

This was the song that I had the largest and most extensive solo in throughout my entire high school choir experience so it made quite the impression on me. And beyond that, the poem that forms the lyrics is so beautiful. Sometimes I’ll just be minding my business and suddenly think “(God of the two lights) I love the sun” and suddenly I’m singing the whole song to myself. There’s actually a recording of Chorale singing this song with me as the soloist so I’m going to link that version (although there are other wonderful versions out there as well that I encourage you to check out!). Credits to my friend Giovani for the first solo, mine is the second, descant-y one!

Hold On! by Moses Hogan

Nora, Nora let me come in; / de door’s all fastened an’ de winders pinned! 

Just keep yo’ hand on de plow, / an’ you hold on, yes, you just hold on! 

Nora said, “You lost yo’ track, / you can’t plow straight an’ keep a lookin’ back.”

At least we did one other Moses Hogan song while I was in Chorale and this one did NOT disappoint! It’s one of my all-time favorite choir pieces to this day. Further, it caused me to look into the parable being referenced here which led me to this wonderful article that I will never miss an opportunity to plug even though I’m not personally religious! The other day when I decided (for some unknown reason) to clamber up a steep rock face rather than just walking up an easily-accessible path, I got nervous halfway up but was too afraid to try to climb back down so, without even thinking about it, my brain supplied me with the beginning of this song and before I knew it, I was quietly singing to myself “keep on climbin’ an’ don’t you tire, ‘cause ev’ry rung goes higher and higher!” and I made it safely to the top. 

Ubi Caritas by Ola Gjeilo

(it’s in Latin lol)

Not a whole lot to say here other than that no choir recs list is complete without Ola Gjeilo and this piece is beautiful and haunting. 

Unclouded Day by Shawn Kirchner

Oh, they tell me of a home far beyond the skies, they tell me of a home far away, and they tell me of a home where no storm clouds rise, oh, they tell me of an unclouded day.

One of my favorite pieces that I ever did with Chorale, even out of these. It’s so beautiful and uplifting and I think of it every time I step outside and the sky is perfectly blue. Another song that truly just has to be heard to be believed. The recording I’m linking is of the NDSU Concert Choir which has so much amazing choral content on its youtube channel and I highly recommend you check them out further!

I Will Lift Mine Eyes by Jake Runestad

The sun shall not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil, He will keep your soul.

Honestly, I’ve blocked out many memories of high school because it was such a truly awful time in my life, so when an old Choralemate of mine posted on her instagram story about how the time when Chorale sat down before singing this song and talked about our emotions and what this text meant to us, I was heartbroken that I didn’t remember it. What I do remember though is that, at our concert, an alumni who had graduated the previous year and had been through a lot of awful stuff sat in the front row and mouthed the words along with us while crying and we all cried while singing it. There was a connection we all made through this piece and, although things were pretty awful a lot of the time, we got through it together and that means a lot to me.

//

Now that the main list is done, here are some pieces I didn’t personally sing but I still love a lot and recommend wholeheartedly:

- I Can Tell the World by Moses Hogan

- Bright Morning Stars by Jay Althouse + bonus link of another version

- Lux Aurumque by Eric Whitacre

- Earth Song by Frank Ticheli

- Famine Song by Matthew Culloton

- The Seal Lullaby by Eric Whitacre

[jodellejournals]

days with maria, stuart, and dipstick

how many times have you watched the sound of music? i’m guessing we’re in the same page if i answer countless. the do-re-mi song was the soundtrack of my childhood and just this week at the office, i randomly played it while thick raindrops fell on the window. it was a wednesday and i’m well aware that there was a typhoon and so i decided to warm myself by listening to songs that warmed my heart at the very least. in that way, i am not reminded of the gloomy manila skies and our sad reality. it’s how i set the vibe for me and hopefully everyone else in the office. i played jose mari chan’s classic christmas songs — the ones you always hear at the malls when it’s christmas season. my favorite is ‘christmas in our hearts’ for years and i just don’t seem to get tired of it. a filipino christmas wouldn’t be the same without that man’s tunes so i thank him for the soundtracks of many, many yuletide seasons. his songs reminded me of rainy afternoons where i drink hot choco with marshmallows and snuggle with white pillows and cozy blanket. my kind of peace and bliss. then i slowly drift to my own little world. that’s what sort of happened on wednesday after a good hour of listening to his christmas playlist. i was on a nostalgia high even after that hour so i decided to continue my fun. i switched to the sound of music’s playlist and i am suddenly all of eight years old again singing along (yes, i really did sing along while typing office documents) to the do-re-mi song. oh, the sound of my childhood. it has a special place in my heart that it became the first piece that i taught myself to play in the piano. i sometimes wish i also have a nanny maria who sings and dances and plays the guitar for me but i am still much grateful to mine who ushered and attended to my needs dutifully when needed. she was as young as maria, too! but we talked about boys and jammed to the hits of early 2000’s instead.

that julie andrews movie for sure has touched the lives of everyone across generations that even my mother, who is not fond of films, has a memory of it. and she knew the lyrics by heart to my great surprise! she is not the type to have memorized a song and so you can imagine what a revelation it was to me. she said that my grandmother always made an effort for them (my mother and her siblings) to watch those films and i’d like to applaud my grandmother with standing ovation for doing it. our childhood comes only once and i feel lucky to have grown up with films like that of the sound of music, annie, 102 dalmatians, stuart little, and baby’s day out to name a few. they are beautiful times to look back and happy memories to always keep. one of our staff then mentioned that she wasn’t able to watch those and i felt bad for her. see, this is why a happy childhood is essential because it can no longer be reversed. it’s a steady and sturdy foundation that first made us believe in the good and wonderful things in life outside the four walls of our homes and classrooms. so i narrated to that staff of ours the plot of the sound of music and stuart little as i played mary mary’s ‘put a little love in your heart’ as the soundtrack of the latter film. i’m not saying she had a bad childhood, it’s just that she is kind of missing out. at least i told her the plot, right? yes, because i tend to share — a lot.

those childhood movies lingered in my mind for the rest of the week and only made me remember of afternoons at our tita’s room in our hometown where me and my cousins would choose a vhs tape from the drawer underneath the television and we’d excitedly and carelessly plop ourselves down on her huge and tall bed with several layers of thick comforters, giant but soft pillows, and a bowl of freshly-microwaved popcorn, chips, or pack of crackers and then turn the lights off. ah, wonderful. truly the best of times. the cold breeze of airconditioner would gently touch our faces and shoulders and the lavender scent from the air freshener would calm our senses. we’re then absolutely ready for the thrill and adventure that await us. after twist and turns, few tumbles to the carpet, and sips of strawberry kool aid, everything became too dark and that’s when we’ve realized that two or three hours have already passed. by that time, we were called for dinner downstairs but we wouldn’t go down for another thirty more minutes because we’d still talk about the movie like we’re part of the von trapp’s or stuart’s family. we’d greet each other in the following days with “little high, little low” like how stuart greets margalo, the bird. we ship those two so bad! then there’s snowbell, the white fluffy always-hungry cat who i’ve always thought was a girl but found out to be a boy until only in the recent years. it has come to a point where we begged to have a cat just so we can call it snowbell but it never happened. instead, we were able to have a dalmatian dog and guess what we named it? ‘dipstick’ from the 102 dalmatians! he really resembled dipstick from the spots to its barks.

we wake up each day during those times like we are living in a disney movie and only the bad guys were cruella de vil and that falcon who stole mrs. little’s ring. we dress up dipstick, feed our blue and red parrots, talk and sometimes sing with our kiaw, buy avocado or milo-flavored ice candies worth five pesos from the lady across our house, run around our frontyard, play hide and seek, “bake” with whatever there was in the refrigerator, create a masterpiece out of sticks and rags and old paints because we feel like neil buchanan from art attack, and go to our family’s humble eatery every afternoon to have a merienda of arroz caldo or misua with pan de leche or puto on the side. my happy childhood times. gone they may be but i’m light-hearted for i know that i can always relive them — through a song or an image or maybe by rewatching the classics again. then i’d be transported back to those days with maria, stuart, and dipstick.

[wandererslyric]

YOGURT DREAMIES

((A story of pure silliness for my dear sister, inspired by the following prompts: ‘Soulmate AU: Where if your soulmate is listening to music it will be stuck in your head until they stop listening to it. Chloe and BTS haven’t met yet. Chloe is going through their emo phase and BTS is listening to bubblegum pop.’ And: ’Chloe and Yoongi meeting because they’re neighbors. Yoongi is singing in the shower at night, and Chloe comes to complain because they have very thin walls.’ Silliness to ensue. 😝))

Chloe wasn’t quite sure when it started. It was something that creeped up on her, the way that a particularly sneaky snake might creep through the grass towards its next victim. She first noticed it on a sweltering Tuesday, after she caught the bus from Starbucks. Noontime sun glinted from the windows whizzing past while Chloe rested in her seat, scrolling through her Twitter feed while ‘Car Radio’ played through a pair of lovingly-used earbuds. She was scrolling through a thread of epic dumpling edits, mindlessly mouthing the words to her jam when she noticed another melody growing her mind, contrasting the current one she listened too, growing louder and louder until she caught herself humming something far too cheery to be Twenty One Pilots.

It made her pause, and flip over from Twitter to her music player, glancing at the dull phone screen with furrowed brows. Sure enough, the song hadn’t changed. And yet another song was clearly stuck in her head. A song that was... cheery, with a beat that popped like bubblegum bubbles, contagiously catchy. The kind that felt as if you listened to it through earbuds sparkles would come pouring from the speaker.

Poom, Poom, Poomki, Bop-a-bop-a boongles

She mouthed mindlessly, confused, and then pressed replay and locked her phone with a click. The cardboard sleeve holding her matcha latte snug crinkled under her fingers as as she shuffled more comfortably in the seat. Maybe she just needed to hear ‘Car Radio’ again.

——-

A week later, and it became too noticeable not to notice.

“Poom, Poom, Poomki, Bop-a-bop-a boongles, Yogurt Dreamies, Wop-a-wop-a woongles

Shubble, shubble sunshine, just for you, just for you,

Meowgi mew mew, avocado sunshine, just for you, you!”

The song looped in her mind at the oddest of hours: when first she woke up every afternoon, when she was stepping past the boxes from the recently moved-in neighbor, and even now, as she strolled through the aisles of Whole Foods, the shopping basket leaving a mark on her arm as it grew heavier with the groceries she’d need for this week. Sometimes it would happen randomly and suddenly stop. And it wasn’t that the song was bad, she had to admit it wasn’t her style but it was clearly growing on her. But still it drove her near to madness. Intelligent and ever questioning, it was the lack of an explanation of it that bothered Chloe the most, but for now she passed through the soy sauce aisle and tried to distract herself from the conundrum that was this cotton-candy melody.

Soy sauce. That’s right. As she mindlessly scanned the labels on the glossed glass bottles, she remembered her neighbor, the one who she’d met when he first knocked on her door at 3am, politely but desperately asking if she had any soy sauce. He had run out and what had he said he needed it for? He was cooking... ‘kogi’? She remembered it because it sounded like her name. It was... a meat dish? For his new roommate? He truly seemed heartbroken and it tugged at her pity and generosity, so she gave him the bottle, telling him not to worry about returning it.

As she picked up a 64oz low-sodium jug of tamari, she thought more about her neighbor, who was indeed incredibly attractive, with a blindingly brilliant smile, charming beyond belief. And yet he seemed more wonderful to her as a friend and brother, and so the growing attentions he gave her, perhaps due to their shared love of cooking, she treated with nonchalance. Soon the flirtatious glances and teasing jokes he directed towards her seemed to respectfully subside, and now Jin was a neighbor she got along well with, and perhaps in time could call a friend. Sometimes, due to the incredible paper thinness of the walls, she thought she heard humming coming from his apartment, humming of -her- songs that she had been listening too through the week. But as curious as this coincidence seemed, she dismissed it. Music truly had been driving her to insanity. Oh no. It started again, softly but growing more insistent.

Shubble, shubble sunshine, just for you, just for yooooouuuuuu,

Chloe pressed her earplugs further into her ears and headed towards the produce section.

—-

Chloe had finished dinner. And it was fantastic! A plate of cucumbers, without the skin of course (certainly that is the unhealthiest part?!), some sliced like paper and others the perfect thickness to scoop the lemon hummus. The platter complimenting the garlic perfectly, along with fresh cherry tomatoes, carrots, kalamata olives... It was a -masterpiece-.

And yet she was unhappy. And ‘poom poom poomki’ was to blame.

No matter how many other songs she listened too, this one melody -never- left her head. It looped within her mind, like the repetitive clack of a rock caught in a car tire against the road; for months this had gone on, and it was enough to throw off her day. But more so was the confusion on how it got into her head in the first place. She couldn’t find it anywhere. She even tried Googling the lyrics to see what song they belonged too, but nothing came up. It was as if the song didn’t exist. And today was the one day it consumed the last ounces of her endless patience.

Her supreme mildness was tested and for once she simply wished for -q u i e t-, to hear her thoughts uninterrupted. Uninterrupted by the muster of a melody that made her crave Fagé yogurt with honey and blueberries every other day. So she had a brilliant idea: Meditation. The one thing that could calm her even when the sky was falling on the weatherman. So she settled on the floor in the middle of her room, cross legged, basking in the gentle tinkling of her malicious wind chime. Perhaps this soothing meditation would calm her. At last. Her mind was quiet. Calm. Tranquility. Soothing silence.

“JUST FOR YOU, JUST FOR YOU, OH OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!”

Chloe’s sea green eyes smacked open in horror.

“Just... for... YOOOOOOUUUUUU”

The deafening, (yet undeniably enchanting) singing rung clear through the cursedly paper thin walls. Shattering her blissful quiet. Ever patient, she closed her eyes and tried to tune it out. Ten minutes passed. Then fifteen. By the time twenty minutes swung around, the camel symbolizing Chloe’s patience was crying. By the time thirty minutes had passed, the last straw... had been dropped. The camels back was broken. Poor camel.

She marched over to the wall and, wordlessly, pounded her fists of fury against it.

“SHUBBLE SHUBBLE SUNSHI-“

By the seventh knock the voice had waned to a quiet warbled, and then completely stopped. But the silence that followed brought more disturb than the singing had at first. Wait... the song he was singing...

Chloe’s eyes widened.

“Sunshine.” She murmured. “Shubble shubble... sunshine.”

It was the song, THE song, that had plagued her! At last! He was singing the song that had driven her to the brink of madness, yet was catchy enough that she had actually grown addicted to it, but hadn’t heard it anywhere else to relieve her ear worm.

Racing, she left her malicious wind chime to tinkle evilly in it’s wicked breezes and hurried next door, knocking politely but insistently. No answer. Another knock. Anticipation coiled in her heels, and by the time her knuckles hovered over the wood, ready to rap against the metal, the door swung open, revealing... oh my.

Chloe was blinded. Was it by the young man standing in the doorway, wrapped modestly (yet oh so temptingly) in a towel, with his damp hair pasted in his forehead, with his perfectly smooth skin and eyes that seemed to somehow hold the secrets of the universe? Was it by the disgrunted look in those very same eyes, eyes looking ready to set aflame and then stab whomever was bothering him at the moment? Was it by the pastey legs that clearly needed sun? Chloe wasn’t sure, she couldn’t tell. Where did the towel begin? Oh boy. That boy really needed some sun on them legs.

As she stood in shock, the young man, realizing a lady was standing at his door, flushed a deep shade of scarlet and blinked twice.

‘One minute.’

He mumbled, shutting the door swifter than it opened. Chloe was left in absolute silence, wondering when Jin has become so short and completely changed his insanely handsome appearance, but in less than a minute the door was opened again, revealing the same man fully dressed, hands in the pockets of his jeans, regarding the stranger quietly. Silence hung for a heavy moment.

“I’m guessing the music- Too loud, right?”

Stunned silence. He cleared his throat and glancing towards the ground continued, his voice mild, and carrying a low sort of rumble to it. “My roommate told me you were usually up late. Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to bother you.

“SUNSHINE.”

The stranger’s brow raised at the sudden quiet but very earnest scream. ‘SHUBLBLE SHUBBLE,” Excitement sped up and raised the pitch of Chloe’s words; if she were texting the words would have scrambled. Perhaps due to excitement. Most likely due to Autocorrect. But now as she spoke to the young man, she was practically breathless at this point; “Shubble, Shubble sunshine, avacado sunshine, just for you, just for you, AGGGGH.”

The stranger blinked twice, his head cocking ever so slightly to the side.

“What is that SONG?” Chloe screamed again, strangling the air with claw-like grabby hands.

His eyes widened at the earnestness, and his voice lowered a pitch, his words slow, “So you... heard it?”

“AAAH, I’ve only heard it like every day! It’s been on loop in my head for months and I have no idea where I heard it, it was just -there-, and I tried to drown it out with Twenty One Pilots, but nothing worked and then I heard -you- singing just now, and I just- AH.”

“Twenty One Pilots?” He murmurmed. He seemed to be drawn half into thought, regarding Chloe with a certain attentiveness behind his seeming passivity. What emotion was in his eyes? Amusement? Wonder? Confusion? Who could tell?

“It’s “Yogurt Dreamies” by Yoomburto Toomie.” He answered at last, “How did you... hear it?”

“I didn’t! That’s the thing, it just appeared in my head one day and no matter what others songs I listen to I can’t get it out.”

“You won’t find it anywhere.”

Now it was Chloe’s turn to tilt her head in confusion. The young man continued quietly,

“I had... written it. I’ve been playing it on loop because I’ve been composing it. But I was sure to be quiet. I haven’t sung it before today, so you couldn’t have heard the lyrics before.”

Silence. “How can that...“ Chloe words trailed off and they both stared at each other, perplexed.

“Does Twenty One Pilots have a song about a... radio? A car radio?”

Chloe’s pale eyes lit up, and she nodded excitedly despite the confusion laced behind her words, “Yeah! They do.”

“Because a song about a car radio has been stuck in -my- head. And I only heard it for the first time yesterday.”

In that moment, in the silence that hung between them so heavily, a sudden realization crashed over them. Not an answer to their confusions, no definitely not an answer, but an awareness... an awareness of the insane coincidence, of a thread that had seemingly connected them that they just realized had existed. A thread of fate strange, but inexplicably, there.

“You’re Jin’s new neighbor, right? I’m Chloe.”

“Yoongi.” They both nodded awkwardly, a handshake felt too formal, and yet, why did it somehow seem like they had already known each other? Perhaps that was why the introduction felt strange. Souls so deeply connected with each other never need to introduce themselves more than once.

“It’s awesome that you write music.” Chloe continued, bouncing lightly on her right leg,” I’m an architect.” Yoongi’s eyes widened ever so slightly and a gummy grin crinkled his eyes,

“Really? If I wasn’t a music producer that’s what I wanted to be.”

“Really?” She asked, but it didn’t feel like a surprise. “If you want to hear any more songs from Twenty One Pilots, I could recommend some based on which music you like.”

There was a clear shyness in Yoongi’s manner, but his smile came easily, and he gave her a soft nod. “Sure. I’d never heard of them, but I really like them now. Their music is raw, and honest. I enjoy it.”

And in that moment Chloe knew: That was the beginning of something that had already started. Long before. With avocado sunshine, and yogurt dreamies.

————

Some months later, Chloe was doing yoga, doing stretches with supreme skill in the still of her room when her phone buzzed and the screen lit up. She snatched it and saw a simple text, from Yoongi.

‘Hey’

‘Hey’ she typed back, with one hand.

‘Up for a walk today?

The architecture downtown is pretty awesome.’

‘Sure’

‘What time?’

‘00:00am?’

‘ok’

‘I’ll catch a bus and meet you’

The time approached swiftly, though it had seemed far too long, and after sliding her phone into her pocket and her backpack on her shoulder, she was ready to head off for another wonderful day spent with Yoongi. Ah, why did even his name spread warmth through her chest, like someone had taken a cup of wonderful herbal tea and filled her heart with it? She juggled the doorknob to make sure it was locked. And as she did, she could swear, another melody began to grow in her mind, faint and insistent...

“Lucky chucky, icey-cakey...”

[talinexa]

An Old Friend - One-Shot

KH3 Spoilers? Kinda? Just for after the ending? So I had a friend randomly pick a character, genre, and character relationship because I was suffering from extreme writer’s block and I hoped a randomly generated story would unstick my stuck brain. And she didn’t know it, but she chose Lea, Fluff, and an Old Friend. Let’s hope this is good! Axel/Lea is such a Mom Friend OMG

“Kids get packed! Riku’s gonna be here in an hour!” Axel---Lea? Roxas didn’t know---shouted from inside the old mansion.

“We’re not kids!” Roxas snapped, lowering Oathkeeper and Oblivion where he was sparring with Xion on the spacious front lawn.

Axel’s head appeared out the front door. “Now!” he retorted. “We’re going to Radiant Garden! It’s where Isa and I grew up! Get packed! You and Xion are both a little over a year old. You’re kids. Now get your stuff! We’re staying for a week so pack accordingly.”

Roxas let his keyblades dissolve and set his hands on his hips, cocking an eyebrow. “Make me,” he said.

Axel exited the mansion. “Okay I will,” he said.

Xion giggled as Roxas realized Axel was being serious. Axel started chasing Roxas around the front yard. Xion shook her head and slipped inside the mansion and up to her room to get packed.

Meanwhile out in the yard, Saïx---no wait, Isa---appeared from nowhere and scooped Roxas up by the collar of his shirt and jacket, also snagging Axel’s ear. “That’s enough, both of you. Get your things together.”

“What are you doing here?” Roxas muttered grumpily, dangling from Isa’s grip with his arms folded.

“I happen to live here as well,” Isa said, dragging Roxas and Axel inside. “When I’m not in Radiant Garden helping Ansem and Ienzo restore it to its former beauty. I must say---they are making wonderful progress.”

“Yeah. Can’t wait to see it,” Axel said, tone flat and irritated as Isa released Axel’s ear. He dropped Roxas on the staircase.

“You’ll be delighted. Now pack. Both of you,” Isa ordered.

Roxas was more used to taking Saïx’s orders from their time in the Organization and responded almost on instinct, running up the stairs. Axel bounced his eyebrows at Isa and ran up the stairs after Roxas.

“How did you get here?” a small voice asked from the door to the kitchen. Isa turned. Xion was standing there with her suitcase at her feet, a small bag of snacks in her hand. “Riku is coming to get us in the Gummiship and we can’t use the dark corridors anymore.”

Isa smiled. “Always so sharp, Xion,” he said. “Riku dropped me off this morning to make sure everyone here was prepared for departure, but I busied myself around Twilight Town for a time gathering... information.”

“About?”

Isa leaned against the bannister of the staircase and folded his arms. “When Radiant Garden fell, it became known as Hollow Bastion. Its citizens fled to other worlds as refugees. Such as Traverse Town. Lea and I had families and other friends that we left behind in Radiant Garden when we joined the Organization. Admittedly we weren’t close to those other friends, but since Radiant Garden’s restoration, I haven’t been able to find anything about any of those friends. Or our families.”

“Did you find anything here?”

“I did. An old friend of Lea’s and mine fled here for a time. She has, apparently, returned to Radiant Garden. I hope to find her upon our return.”

“Hope you do,” Xion offered.

“Thank you,” Isa said.

From upstairs, Roxas could be heard shouting to Axel, “AXEL! GIVE ME BACK MY WRISTBAND! I KNOW YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TOOK IT!”

“That thing was filthy! It’s in the laundry room!” Axel called back.

Xion and Isa chuckled.

*****

“Roxas and Xion are hanging out with Naminé in the castle’s computer room playing a game. Ienzo and Even promised to keep an eye on them,” Isa said, leaning against Lea’s guest room doorframe with his arms folded and one leg braced against the frame. “I was hoping you’d join me in looking for an old friend of ours. She’s back here.”

Lea cocked his head curiously. “Are you thinking of who I think you’re thinking of?”

“Most likely.” Isa’s nonchalant tone was broken by a tiny, mischievous smile touching the corners of his lips. One that Lea remembered from their youth---from long before the Organization. Isa had always been the more mature and reserved of the two of them, but he still had a sarcastic, mischievous side that Lea knew better than to trust.

That smile confirmed to Lea that Isa was thinking of exactly who he thought Isa was thinking of.

A blush spread over his face. “You should go find her yourself. I’ll stay here with Roxas and Xion,” he said. “Let Ienzo and Even have a night to chill for once.”

“Oh no you don’t,” Isa retorted, close-lipped smile pulling up his mouth farther. “You’re coming with me. Ienzo and Even promised they’d keep Roxas and Xion here specifically so we could go look for her.”

“What makes you assume we’ll even be able to face her?!” Lea demanded. “I mean, what makes you think I’d be able to face her? You know what I’ve done better than anyone.”

Isa rolled his eyes and brushed some stray hairs out of his face. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. She doesn’t have to know yet. Ultimately she’ll probably just be ecstatic to see you.”

“You mean us,” Lea said.

“No I mean you,” Isa insisted.

Lea sighed. “Fine. But if we can’t find her this week, I’m not looking for her anymore and you’re on your own.”

“Fair enough. But if I find her on my own, I’m bringing her to Twilight Town.”

“Why?”

“Because she deserves to know we’re both still alive.”

Lea huffed and folded his arms. “Fine,” he muttered.

“Splendid. Let’s go.”

*****

“Isa, we’ve been asking around for hours. We’ve found nothing. Can’t we just go back to the castle, play a game with Roxas and Xion and Naminé, make Ienzo embarrass himself, and go to bed?”

“How about we get something to eat first?” Isa said, gesturing to a small, out-of-the-way restaurant. “Remember this place?”

“I do. We snuck into the kitchens all the time to steal snacks and desserts. Which is where we met...” Lea closed his eyes. “Her.”

Isa smiled. “Exactly.”

“You think she’s here?”

“Unlikely but not impossible. I was thinking for old time’s sake we’d eat as real patrons for once.”

“Isa, you’re sly,” Lea complained as Isa held the door open and made a sweeping gesture so Lea had no choice but to go inside without Isa nagging him about it.

“I’m well aware,” Isa said.

“Good evening gentlemen. Table for two?” the seating hostess asked with a pleasant smile and a flip of her pink hair.

“Yes please,” Isa said.

“Right this way.” She gathered up two menus and led them to a booth near a stage. A few musicians were tuning some instruments.

“Is there a performance tonight?” Isa asked curiously.

“Yup! Local group. They’ll be performing in about... fifteen minutes. On the hour.”

“Sweet,” Lea said, attempting to have good manners despite his rather sour mood. They sat opposite each other in the booth, Lea facing the stage since Isa took the other side by following the hostess closer.

“Yeah. They’re great. They’ve performed in here once a month since Radiant Garden started returning to its former glory.” The hostess smiled fondly. “Your server will be with you shortly.”

“Thank you, miss,” Isa said. The girl nodded and returned to the podium at the front of the restaurant.

*****

“Good evening Radiant Garden!” I said into my microphone as I stepped onto the stage. “How is everybody tonight?”

A few scattered, half-hearted cheers and whoops echoed up from the crowd. I couldn’t really see the restaurant patrons past the bright stage lights beyond vague outlines, so I smiled and shook my head.

“That dull, huh?” I joked. “Well. Let’s see if we can improve that with some music, yeah?” I nodded at the sitar player. He struck up a tune. “This one goes out to the Radiant Garden restoration committee for bringing our beautiful city back to its former beauty!”

I started to sing, picking up the lyrics at the end of the intro, smiling and enjoying myself. I loved performing.

As I sang, I walked up and down the stage, smiling at patron’s eyes whenever I could see them past the lights. “I love you baby, and if it’s quite alright---I need you baby, to warm a lonely night!” I sang, making the crowd clap along with me.

I rushed down the stairs, a spotlight following me around the restaurant as I wove between tables, beaming and performing and making sure everyone was clapping and having a good time. I was on my way back to the stairs when I caught sight of a familiar face.

Blue hair. Sharp nose and jawline. Sitting opposite---

Oh light.

My voice hitched on a held out note. I hope no one noticed.

I’d know that spiky red hair anywhere.

... Lea.

And Isa.

I blinked hard and shook my head slightly to get back in performer mode, singing the lyrics by my vocal chords’ muscle memory more than consciously. I ran back up the stairs and put myself back on the stage.

How hadn’t I noticed Lea before? He was right there with the stage lights shining gently on him and I could see him!

His eyes, sharp green and vibrant as a firework, were staring right at me. He looked as startled as I felt.

*****

Lea shot a glare at Isa when she wasn’t looking. “You knew she was here.”

Isa raised his hands in surrender. “I most certainly did not,” he retorted. “But I followed a hunch.”

As the song wound to a close, she leaned back and whispered something to the band. A smile broke out on her face. The band all nodded and she nodded back before turning back to the microphone. Everyone in the restaurant clapped politely.

“Alright. We’re changing up the setlist just a little bit, for those of you who are regulars and wonder what’s going on,” she said with a giggle. Her fingers, slightly clad in black fingerless gloves, tightened around the microphone. “This one is going out to an old friend of mine, who I’ve been searching for since our home was restored to us.” She looked right at Lea without moving her head away from the rest of the crowd.

The sitar player struck up a slower, sweeter tune. “Come stop your crying, it will be alright---just take my hand, hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you---I will be here don’t you cry,” she sang. Her voice went from bright and zappy in the first song to gentle and full of emotion. Lea couldn’t help but stare at her in amazement as she stood at the microphone stand and simply swayed back and forth slightly, rarely taking her eyes off of him.

*****

“I will be here, don’t you cry. ‘Cause you’ll be in my heart---yes you’ll be in my heart... from this day on---now and forever more...” I felt all the years of worry and fear sliding away from me. Lea and Isa were here. They were safe and alive. The relief that flooded over me nearly made me cry.

I couldn’t stop smiling throughout the entire song, just knowing that Lea was right there. Isa too, but I’d definitely always been closer to Lea. If he found my staring odd, he didn’t express it. He didn’t look away from me and I didn’t look away from him. It was like I couldn’t quite believe my eyes. Like if I looked away he’d disappear. And I wanted to drink him in as much as I could---just the knowledge that he was here was enough.

That did make it harder to focus throughout the performance, but I managed it.

Before I knew it, I was finished. There was lots of clapping and bowing and then I got to get off the stage. I went back into the kitchen for a minute to wipe some sweat off from the stage lights and emerged into the body of the restaurant.

I accepted the, “Wonderful performance!” and, “Good job!” offerings from other patrons before plopping down next to Lea.

“You guys didn’t tell me you were here!” I whispered, grabbing Lea’s forearm gently.

“We couldn’t find you,” Isa said calmly, turning my attention from Lea to him.

“Oh... Isa... what happened?” I asked, touching my cheekbone, mirroring where a large X-shaped scar was faded into his skin.

“It’s a long story. Nothing to worry about. We’ve been searching for you,” Isa said.

“Well... I’ve been here,” I said. “Or rather. I’ve been here since Radiant Garden came back. I lived in a place called Twilight Town for a while.”

“You did?” Lea asked, sounding surprised. I nodded.

“Yeah. Where did you guys go? When Radiant Garden fell?”

“Oh. All over.” Lea shrugged. “Passed through Twilight Town. Wish I’d known you were there. We would have come and said hi.” I caught Isa giving Lea a look but decided not to question it.

Isa grinned. “If you two will excuse me a moment,” he said, getting up and leaving without explaining any further.

“He hasn’t changed,” I said.

Lea blinked. “No. Not really,” he said. “There was a time he was a totally different person but now that everything’s back to normal... he’s himself again.”

“What about you?” I asked.

“Me? I didn’t change at all.”

I giggled. “I didn’t think you would,” I said. I squeezed his wrist. “I really missed you, Lea.”

“I missed you too,” he said with a smile.

We fell into an awkward silence for a moment.

“What ever happened to us?” I asked at the same moment he said, “I’m sorry we fell out of touch.”

“Wait what?” we both said.

I chuckle and shook my head. “You first,” I said.

“No. No I insist. You go ahead,” he pressed.

“What happened to us? We were so close and then suddenly... it was like you disappeared.”

Lea slid his wrist out of my grip. “Isa and I... fell into working for an organization and we travelled around a lot for work so we just... fell out of touch. I’m sorry. I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Lea. So much.” I took his hand and pressed my forehead to it. “I feared the worst for you and Isa for... over ten years.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” He cupped my chin and lifted my forehead off his hand, peering straight into my eyes, down my pupils and into my soul. “But now you know we’re okay and we’re alive and...” He stopped, closed his eyes, and shook his head. “I’m just relieved to see you’re alive too.”

I squeezed his fingers. “Lea...” I whispered.

The room seemed to melt away. Lea’s eyes focused in and out on me, lips parting.

“What?”

“... What?” What were we talking about? Where were we? All I was conscious of was Lea sitting remarkably close to me. He shifted slightly in the booth and bumped his knee against mine.

My name fell from Lea’s lips in a breathless whisper.

“Lea,” I replied. His fingers tightened slightly on my chin.

Before I knew it, I was crashing into his face and he was crashing into mine. His skin was hot under my fingers, but soft, as my fingers slid up his bare arms, across his shoulders, and into the spiky hair on the back of his head. His fingers fell off my chin and threaded into my hair as well. He didn’t even seem to care that my stage lipstick was smearing on his face.

When I pulled away, completely breathless, I stared at him in surprise. “Lea, I...”

“No. It was... it was my fault. I should have asked---”

“Oh shut up,” I replied.

“‘Kay,” he breathed.

We crashed back together. He tasted spicy.

“Ah. I see you two are getting along as well as I’d hoped,” a familiar voice said.

Lea and I jumped apart with a suctioning noise. “Isa!” we exclaimed at the same moment. Isa sat back down across from us.

He chuckled and flicked his blue hair off his shoulder. “Don’t mind me,” he said.

I shook my head. “Okay. I should get backstage. I, uh...”

“Hey wait,” Lea protested, grabbing my wrist. “When can I see you again?”

I smiled, biting my lower lip. “Tomorrow morning. Ice cream stand in the square? Like old times?”

Lea nodded. “Absolutely,” he said.

I pecked his cheek. “See you then.”

“Yeah. See you then.”

*****

“What do you mean Axel kissed a girl?!” Roxas demanded the second Lea strolled into the Radiant Garden castle whistling pleasantly. Isa was leaning against the wall with his arms folded, Roxas standing there with a face looking like the secrets of the universe had been unlocked. Xion was vaguely curious.

“I told you two to go to bed three hours a---Oh. You’re back,” Ienzo said. “I see. Carry on.” He turned and left.

Roxas elbowed past Isa and grabbed Lea’s shoulders. “What is he talking about that you kissed a girl?!”

“She’s an old friend from when Isa and I grew up here,” Lea said.

“He’s walking on clouds, look at him,” Isa prodded sarcastically.

“I think it’s sweet,” Xion said quietly.

Lea’s skin was turning the same color as his hair. Roxas looked affronted. “How come you never told me about it?! I asked you if you knew what love was and you said no!”

“I...” Lea sighed and pushed a hand through his messy hair. “It wasn’t love until I saw her again tonight. We were just good friends back then.”

Isa scoffed so loud he started coughing. “I’d believe that if you weren’t such a liar,” he said after composing himself. “You were head-over-heels for her since we were... quite young.”

“I was not!” Lea protested.

Isa started laughing. Which broke Roxas’ indignation. He started laughing too. Xion giggled.

Lea turned even redder. “All of you need to stop.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell us about this girl?” Roxas demanded

“Well if you want to meet her I’ll bring her by while we’re here!” Lea exclaimed.

Roxas and Xion cheered. “Yes! Finally!” Roxas shouted.

“I’ve always wondered about your past,” Xion added, much gentler. “I would be delighted to meet her.”

Lea sighed. “Fine. I’ll ask her if she’d like to come meet you.”

Roxas smirked. “Great.”

[earwaxinggibbous]

10 Worst Hits of 2018!

I hate the 2018 hit list.

I hate all the artists we brought back. I hate all the new ones we got. I hate the fact that Lil Peep kicked the bucket without getting on the hot 100 but XXXfuckassaton got three hits. I hate that nothing off of Kamikaze reached the year end hot 100 despite it being one of the only good hip-hop albums that dropped this year. I hate that we’re all alive and that Tumblr has banned porn. But life goes on.

Bad hit songs. Bing bang boom.

Fair warning, I’m gonna be hitting a lot of trigger topics including abuse, pedophilia and rape.

10. Lucid Dreams - Juice WRLD

Before I say anything, can I just point out that ‘Juice WRLD’ is one of the absolute worst rap names I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

Anyway, Lucid Dreams.

I feel like rap music has been having a lot of sad pathetic break-up songs lately. And this won’t be the last one, absolutely not. Pretty much everything about Lucid Dreams, much like a seizing, dying epileptic old man, is wriggling and frothing uselessly in a puddle of its own filth. With nothing to do but choke out on a mouthful of blood it can only try to scream weakly through a pool of foamy spit that’s settling towards the back of its throat. It’s sad in the same way that ASPCA commercials are sad, as opposed to how a good break-up song feels.

As Juice WRLD brokely copies the beat of Lil Uzi Vert’s smash hit XO Tour Llif3 from last year, and also randomly samples a song by Sting, he stumbles weakly through lyric after insipid lyric that sounds like it was written by a 13-year-old. I tried to find an example of specific bad lyrics but holy shit, I’d honestly be better off just putting the lyric genius page here, complete with verified translations of this lyrical xanax binge from our boy Juice WRLD himself.

It’s a break-up song, but it’s as whiny as one can get. With Juice WRLD claiming “evil girls have the prettiest face” (gag) and insisting the girl in this song “wants him dead”. His whimpery vocals don’t help any part of this droning septic tank that I can only describe as the closest similarity we’ll ever get between a song and the pokemon Muk.

Even the music video is just a shittier version of XO Tour Llif3, and while it’s honestly more interesting than the other 75% of rap videos, what does it really add? I can only imagine that whoever was directing it realized this song has literally nothing going for it other than the possibility that stoners and pill-poppers will mistake it for XO Tour Llif3 if they’re high enough and threw in some surrealist imagery with the excuse being that, well, it’s titled Lucid Dreams. 

Really the most egregious thing about this song is that, in the lyric genius page, Juice WRLD goes on some tangent about how popping pills isn’t cool and he was popping pills “before it was cool” and now kids are doing it. Hey Hi-C, you know these kids look up to people like you, right? Why not actually make a song about how doing drugs is bad instead of just offhandedly mentioning how you used to pop pills to, quote, “feel a-okay”? Not that I’m assuming you ever thought of that when you were writing this, most likely dosed up on a gallon of cough syrup.

Then again, I dunno if I wanna be preached to by the man who wrote a song titled All Girls Are The Same.

A lot of songs this year were underwritten and boring. Lucid Dreams isn’t the worst offender, but it’s definitely the saddest. And I don’t think it was sad the way ol’ Juicy Juice was intending. Personally, I’d rather just drink the kool-aid.

Blurgh... Muk cannot change you... Muk must replace you...

9. Meant to Be - Bebe Rexha ft. Florida Georgia Line

Is it bad that I honestly wasn’t sure who was the feature and who was the headline of this song?

Anyway, here we have Florida Georgia Line returning for another year of meathead bro-country crap and Bebe Rexha returning for another year of having literally no personality whatsoever with a song that has so little substance it may as well just be air.

I’ve never really extrapolated my thoughts on Bebe, mostly because she’s a complete and utter non-presence in every track she appears on. I honestly didn’t even realize she had a music career of her own, I felt like she just existed to feature on everyone else’s shitty music. What the hell is she gonna sing about besides the damn factory she was built in?

I’ve also never extrapolated my thoughts on Florida Georgia Line.

Here’s what I’m imagining their brains look like:

Yeah. So a combination between two walking cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a literal sex robot. What can go wrong? Well. Everything.

With a title like Meant to Be, you’d think it’s about running screaming into a relationship because you know it’s gonna work. Not so, as it’s actually about staying relaxed in a relationship. We got time, right? At least that’s what like, 75% of it is about that.

Bebe seems more than ready to rush in and get sloppy, but you think Florida Georgia Line are 100% ready to enter a steady relationship with a dead person? I wouldn’t be.

The production is just a piano and some sad trap drums, so basically every other Florida Georgia Line song. It has nothing going for it other than maybe masturbating to the music video and Bebe’s sweet, sweet inflatable titties trying desperately to crawl their way out of her country girl flannel.

And that’s really it.

You tried.

(Or did you?)

8. Friends - Marshmello ft. Anne-Marie

Aww! They’re so cute.

Marshmello is kind of a cryptid to me. I never really understood the whole trend of producers and DJs wearing these weird things on their head. And part of me, well, all of me feels like Marshmello rides purely on quirkiness alone.

Look at him! He’s so wacky!

The production on this isn’t bad per se, other than this high-pitched squeal they drop into the final chorus, but it’s definitely not great and kinda has me wondering why Marshmello is basically producer of the year despite not doing anything much more interesting than all the other producers. At best he has a little bit more energy behind him.

Anne-Marie has apparently, allegedly existed before this year, but I have literally no recollection of any song by her. But if this song is anything to go by, she’s annoying and sucks.

Friends touts itself as “the friendzone anthem” and tries to be relatable to teenage girls who’ve had to friendzone a boy, and if I had to guess this is sort of in response to all the friendzone songs from 2016 like Treat You Better. This would be fine except 1. you’re two years late, 2. nobody wants to hear a friendzone anthem and 3. this song is the highest level of cuntiness anyone can comprehend.

Here’s the thing about the concept of the friendzone. Nobody sits around wanting to friendzone people. Nobody is chilling in their bedroom with their friends wishing they could have a friend who has a crush on them and then that friend is like “I like you” so they can be like “uhh we’re just friends”.

Which is why we don’t really need an anthem for it.

The friendzone sucks. It’s not even a real problem, dudes just make it a problem because apparently being friends isn’t good enough for them. Nobody wants to have a friend who’s crushing on them, nobody’s happy about that. And the catty Mean Girls tone that Anne-Marie takes to it makes it seem like she’s a strong independent woman trouncing on the hearts of men like some kind of TERF horse when really nobody feels that way when having to “friendzone” a person.

Plus judging by the lyrics, this guy is showing up at 2 AM in the rain. At some point you need to stop being friends when he starts obsessively stalking you, maybe a few words to consider would be R-E-S-T-R-A-I-N-I-N-G O-R-D-E-R.

Women have the right to see their male friends as just that. But nobody is proud of having to do it. It’s not a point of pride, it’s just a choice people make, like what shirt they wanna wear in the morning. Trying to sell it as some kind of bootleg female empowerment anthem is pathetic.

Also I swear to god she spells friends as “F-R-I-N-D-S” in the chorus.

“We’re just frinds, Deadmau5.”

7. Yes Indeed - Lil Baby and Drake

Who the good god damn is Lil Baby? I’d never actually heard of him until someone in my music history class gave us a presentation on Lil Baby and how cool he is. I’d literally never heard of the guy before, because I never really listen to any of these hits until the end of the year.

Turns out Lil Baby is just another mumble-rapper, this time jacking his style from Young Thug. Color me surprised, I guess. How come none of the mumble rappers I actually like came back this year? No Desiigner, no Lil Uzi Vert, no Lil Xan? No. Fuck you. You get Juice WRLD and Lil Baby, two of the worst rap names on the planet.

He’s on the list of rappers made famous by Drake, and Drake had a monster year this year. Even with me living in a hole I knew the impact God’s Plan had, but apparently all 25 of his crummy songs charted at some point. That is 25 monotonous Drake songs circulating through the radio stations, 25 Drake songs constantly weighing on the shoulders of the collective public, and 25 Drake songs even his detractors probably knew all the words to just through exposure. Even I’m sick of the guy, and I have Hotline Bling on my Google Play Music library.

Yes Indeed is honestly void of things to say about it. Drake is boring, Lil Baby has one of the worst voices in recent history I can think of, the beat is nothing, it’s just a nothing song. The only noteworthy thing about it is that Lil Baby references Pikachu, a big mistake, as Young Thug also referenced Pikachu on one of his first hits. Though I’ll admit a yellow car has more similarities to the electric mouse pokemon than diamonds do.

What bothers me about this song is less the song itself, as the song is a non-presence, but moreso that in a world where streaming has finally seeped its way into the Hot 100, we have come to the conclusion that this is what people want to hear. They wanna hear Yes Indeed. And I just don’t get it.

Also, “waah waah waah, bitch I’m a baby”. High art.

6. Te Bote - A whole shitload of people

I feel like Spanish reggaeton has been an on-and-off interest of the American public. But it really reached a head recently thanks to Despacito, which all Alexa memes aside, is a great fucking song. But the fruits of its labor have been less than impressive, from last year’s goat-screeching jam Mi Gente to whatever the hell this is.

It’s nice knowing that foreigners write music as shitty as we do.

The title, Te Bote, roughly translates to “I dump you”. But it can be read much harsher in Spanish as bote is often the verb people use to describe tossing out garbage. And boy, is this song... uh... you know.

I don’t like to barf out the word “misogyny” constantly just because, well, anything can be misogynistic if you look deep enough. There’s a point where even I, the ratty little feminist I am, just don’t care. But Jesus, referring to your woman as garbage in the most backhanded way is... wow.

But I’ll be honest, being an English speaking moron, I don’t care about the lyrics. My problems run much deeper than blatant misogyny and pettiness.

Namely that this song sounds like ass.

Te Bote has six artists on it. Six artists, and not a single one sounds good. Most of them are squealy. I don’t actually know who’s who except Ozuna and Bad Bunny. Ozuna is considered one of the worst Spanish artists of today, and I can see why, because he just straight-up sounds like the lovechild of Akon and Lloyd.

As for Bad Bunny, I was slightly more drawn in by him because he looks like a cross between Blackbear and Pitbull, and I dunno if he’s dropped any other better singles, but on this he straight-up sounds like Barney the Dinosaur. Not as much as Lil Yachty, but still. Most of the others sound like autotuned mice, but there’s one guy who tries some kind of low-voiced speed-rapping and it sounds weird and wrong. The production is nothing notable, and uses the bum, bum-bum drumline of literally every reggaeton and Spanish pop song including Despacito.

And I could forgive all of that.

But let’s look at this for a moment. Each artist has their own verse. That’s six verses. Six verses plus five choruses, one pre-chorus, an intro and an outro. And how much does that add up to?

Nearly seven minutes.

Seven minutes of the same beat. Seven minutes of basically the same kinds of singers. Seven minutes of misogynistic lyrics. Seven minutes of garbage, garbage, garbage. Imagine listening to this whole thing. There are people on this earth who have actually sat through this whole garbage song multiple times and thought, “yeah. I like this.” 

I mean of course Te Bote barely got any radio play, it’s nearly 7 minutes long with no breaks. So obviously some massive group of people had to be streaming it and listening to it by choice.

5. Taste - Tyga ft. Offset

Remember Tyga? He was one of the Young Money rappers that didn’t completely fall off after the 2000′s, along with Nikki Minaj and Drake. But after he put out $timulated, a song about how he fucked a 17-year-old Kylie Jenner but, in the words of Slim Shady, “look at her bush: do it got hair?”

we all dropped him, because that’s fucking gross. Kylie Jenner dumped him and is now dating someone else, I forget who because I don’t care. And with us having to deal with 6ix9ine I was comfortable leaving Tyga in the wastelands. 

Honestly? The only reason this song is even here is because it’s a return Tyga single. I’m not even mad about Freaky Friday, because like, whatever, it made me laugh like a stupid idiot, but this? We asked for this. A Tyga single in 2018, about nothing, with a nothing beat, and Offset still bragging that he’s the best member of Migos when that’s like being the twinkiest member of One Direction. And once again, people actively wanted to hear this song about nothing in a year full of songs about nothing that, at the very least aren’t by pedophiles.

I don’t even wanna talk about this anymore.

4. I’m Upset - Drake

Me fucking too.

Like I said, Drake dropped 25 songs on his new album Scorpion, and all of them became hits. The worst of which, in my opinion, being I’m Upset. Just look at that title. That’s how your father talks to you when you slam a window open with a baseball and he walks through the glass shards. 

This one has backstory, my favorite, longtime rival Pusha-T stated in some song that Drake actually had a secret child with a porn star and was planning on using that kid for like, an Adidas sponsorship or something. Which is fucked up. And at least part of that has been confirmed on Drake’s end, he did have a secret son with a porn star.

And then Scorpion and I’m Upset dropped. And it sucked. All of it.

The chorus of I’m Upset is weirdly catchy, but the beat is like every other Drake beat, Drake himself sounds about as upset as he can convey, which is very little, and it’s all just really really boring soundwise. When Drake goes on for long enough he begins to just sound like a bunch of bees. Bees, bees, bees, nothing but bees. And I’m tired of Drake bees! I’m sick of it! I don’t want anymore!

Anyway, lyrically the gist of I’m Upset is about how Drake doesn’t like paying alimony, and NO.

BAD DRAKE! BAD! BAD RAPPER! GO TO YOUR ROOM!

You do not get to be a world-famous rapper with fuckillions of dollars to your name and get to whine and bitch about paying alimony to your baby mama. You don’t get to roll on the floor whimpering about how your evil harpy whore of a porn star one-night-stand is (legally) receiving money from you to take care of the son that YOU ditched. 

You had 25 hits this year. 25. And you’re getting pissy because you have to pay and I quote fifty to a hundred thousand dollars child support. For you that should be nothing. You are practically drowning in money, and if you really don’t wanna pay child support you could, I dunno, raise your goddamn son instead of leaving him in the hands of someone who probably barely makes a fraction in a year of what you make in a month?

Look, say what you want about Eminem. At least he was a good father on record, and if he isn’t a good one in real life I’ll be very very shocked.

I’m upset too, Drake.

3. Roll in Peace - Kodak Black ft. XXXTENTACION

I fUCKING HATE KODAK BLACK

Might wanna consider writing stuff down, Kodes.

May I call you Kodes?

Anyway, Roll In Peace is the only song on this list that isn’t ACTUALLY in the Year End Hot 100, but I couldn’t just let it slide. Not when it’s a collab beween Kodak Black and XXX. Not when it sounds like ass and feels like being shot.

If Drake sounds like bees then Kodak sounds like mosquitos, right in your ear, in the deepest parts that can only be reached by one of those earwax slurping tools. The beat has that flute again, probably because it’s half of what made Tunnel Vision famous. (The other half being controversy of course.) X’s verse has like, two lines to do with the actual plot of this song. And what is the plot?

Oh, poor pitiful Kodak can’t roll in peace. Poor Kodak Black can’t have any time to himself! The media is just all over him and X for no reason whatsoever! He’s never done anything wrong, other than, oh I don’t know, the rape allegations? The abuse? Armed robbery? Assault? That one time X nearly killed a gay dude in prison for no reason other than the gay part?

Yeah, fuck you.

You can’t “roll in peace” because you don’t have the right to anymore. You are a bad person. And X, when he was alive, was a bad person too. Sure maybe he was claiming to be working on self-improvement, but the only way I’d believe it is if I saw it, and it’s too late for that now.

As long as you refuse to apologize, you will not “roll in peace”. As long as you don’t see that you have done something wrong and continue to blame it on systemic racism which is a very real thing that you continue to trivialize again and again so you can avoid your rape allegations, you aren’t allowed to have any peace in your goddamn fucking life.

You can’t try to deflect it on Lil Uzi who posts Satanic imagery on his Instagram despite wearing a Jesus piece. You don’t get to deflect. You get nothing, and you deserve to go broke and fuck off.

There’s a joke I can make, but it’s too soon.

2. Gummo - 6ix9ine

Oh, okay, I can do this.

Uh, Gummo is this really good movie directed by Harmony Korine about some kids in this town that was totally wrecked by a tornado. And after that everything’s in shambles, so these kids can just do whatever they wa...

Oh. Oh dammit.

GOD IS DEAD GOD IS DEAD GOD IS DEAD.

So imagine you’re me looking at the Hot 100 for one of the very first times about a year ago, and you see a song titled after one of your favorite flicks of all time. And sure, it’s being sung by a guy who looks like a Lisa Frank condom, but god you just love that movie so much. And sure, Nicole Dollanganger has already made songs referencing that movie, but you want MORE.

Then you play it and it has literally nothing to do with it.

It’s loud and obnoxious and stupid and has a very clearly hispanic dude dropping the n-word like he fucking owns it. He’s just screaming these nonsense lyrics about nothing. And it’s not like I just don’t get songs with screaming. I have the entirety of Carcass’ Reek of Putrefaction on my phone. But this? This sucks. It sucks! The beat doesn’t fit at all and no matter how I look at it it wouldn’t fit anywhere else, and 6ix9ine’s flow is the death of all art. The only thing he can do, much like a child in a well, is scream and scream and scream and it’s horrible.

And trust me.

This was far before I knew of 6ix9ine’s baggage.

In case you don’t know somehow, this Rainbow Brite little fucker was actually convicted of filming a sex tape of a 13-year-old. While I don’t think he actually had sex with her, he was at some level sexually involved with her.

How did we respond? We gave the ugly fucker a hit. And his hit was this. Where he directly references his sexual involvement with this 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

He doesn’t give a shit. And he knows his fans don’t either. He continues to release low-effort garbage music, and in an interview about FEFE he even openly stated that he doesn’t put any effort into writing lyrics. He doesn’t try, he’s a bad person, and his blind fanbase continues to shower him in money like he deserves it. 

We’re idiots.

An awful song made by an awful person. The only way to hold a candle to it would be, well, an even worse song made by an awful person.

Anyway, dishonorable mentions.

FEFE - 6ix9ine ft. Nikki Minaj

This song sucks too. And Nikki Minaj should be ashamed for working with this fuckhead.

God’s Plan - Drake

I’m almost definitely a minority in absolutely loathing this song, but I can’t stand it. It’s not structured, there’s no flow to it, it just feels like a whole lot of nothing with no point. And while I will give it to Drake that throwing money at homeless people is a really good thing regardless of why he did it, it was still a super obvious publicity stunt.

Plug Walk - Rich The Kid

Boring.

Girls Like You - Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B

Also boring. My tolerance for Maroon 5 has lasted way longer than anyone else’s, but I think it’s about time we let them go.

I Like Me Better - Lauv

I’ll be honest, the only part of this song I really hate is the weird synth interludes. The singing is fine, the content is fine, it’s all the perfect level of mediocre without that violin fart synth. 

No Brainer - The ‘I’m The One’ crew, but we replaced Wayne with an actual baby

Really just an even less interesting version of I’m The One, but without Li’l Wayne. Also Justin Bieber kind of looks like a trucker now, and I hate to say it, but that’s the most attractive he’s ever been in my opinion.

Freaky Friday - Li’l Dicky ft. Chris Brown

I’ll be honest, I actually love this song. It’s funny to me, I mean, maybe I’m a simple-minded man, but a good dick joke can send me off the rails. But I’m still at least a little miffed that we’re letting Chris Brown have money, so it gets a mention.

Gucci Gang - Li’l Pump

It would be here if it wasn’t also a hit last year. Consider this a placeholder for any crossover hits I didn’t like, like Mi Gente, Perfect, Believer, and Sorry Not Sorry.

Let’s do number one. And if you know me, you know what this is. If you don’t, don’t just immediately get pissed with me when you read it. Okay? We’re good here? Alright.

1. SAD! - XXXTENTACION

So here’s a fun little sobstory for you. Less than a year ago, my boyfriend introduced me to this great artist. They were in a really oversaturated genre but doing something completely different with it, and I fell in love immediately with their dark topics, interesting production, cool music videos, and general aesthetic. And their name was not XXXTENTACION, it was Melanie Martinez.

Late last year she was pressed with a rape allegation, and one that couldn’t be proved either way. Desperately I scraped through the bowels of the internet in search of something that could disprove it and came back largely empty-handed and wounded. Because Melanie’s music meant a lot to me, and I do mean that. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t sure what to do knowing that a person I’d based my own aesthetic, my own writing, my art, and my music on would do something like that. I tried to force myself not to listen to her music, but it just wasn’t possible. 

Over time the wound scabbed up and closed and I finally gave up and decided to split the art from the artist, feeling like at the very least I wasn’t directly giving her any money by downloading her music on Google Play. But I’ll still never be able to get back the way she used to make me feel.

So what I’m saying is, I get it.

I’ve actually gone and listened to a few of X’s songs on my own before doing this. And I put myself in the mind of me a year ago discovering a new artist without those preconceptions. And I felt it. I don’t know how, but I did. I felt it. I listened to Look At Me, and I felt like if I’d heard it before I knew what X had done, I’d probably love it. Sure the production is a fucking disaster but the lyrics are just the kind of shock rap that entertains me. The production on Moonlight is really interesting and while I didn’t think Changes was very good and kind of guilt trippy, I could definitely understand it.

But then I circled back around to SAD!

And I lost it.

Something about this song just kills all the good will I might have ever had for this kid or his fans. And really it’s all because of one line, and everyone probably knows what that line is already.

So according to lyric genius this line might not actually mean what I think it means and could potentially be referring to X’s friend Jocelyn Flores, who took her own life tragically. And though on X’s song about her and every time he addresses her he seems to make it all about himself, he really did seem wounded by it. He seemed like a wounded, mentally fucked-up person who needed help.

Except that this song is about Geneva.

The girlfriend he allegedly abused.

The girlfriend who was pregnant, who he abused, and judging by this line, who he is now performing the age-old manipulation tactic of threatening suicide if she ever leaves on. 

When I remove this song from context, there’s no way of excusing that line. The rest of it I can understand, and he really does seem emotional in the verses, and I know we’ve all been in a place at some point of being somehow spurned by a lover and still missing them in spite of it. But to threaten suicide if they try to leave is inexcusable.

His voice sounds fine, and the beat is once again stolen from XO Tour Llif3, but there’s a point where I can’t really care about it. Because children do listen to this kind of music. And along with Melanie Martinez, this song brings me back to when I was young and one of my favorite songs was What The Hell by Avril Lavigne. A song about cheating on your S/O and not seeing a problem with it. My sister and I would sing and dance to that song all the time, so much that I never really realized what it was about, or that there was anything wrong with it. Not until I was an adult and I looked back on it. And wouldn’t you know it, children can sing along to SAD! too.

I know X is dead. And I know it’s not my business to dictate how people should feel about things. Geneva deserves the right to be sad about X’s death, and she forgives him, even though I really don’t. But the way people have treated her especially after X died is inexcusable, and it’s in part because he wrote songs like this. He didn’t just manipulate her. He manipulated everyone. Every single one of his fans probably really did think he would kill himself if his girlfriend left her. And yes, X is on record having thoughts of suicide, I would never take that from someone.

I used to have a close friend who would feign a panic attack every time someone criticized him. It felt like he was threatening suicide once a week. And I always supported him because I cared about him. It was exhausting. I ostracized people because they knew he was a bad person. I shut people, good people, out of my life because they wanted to help, and I said bad things to them. Eventually we fell out and I was left cold and alone with nobody left to take me back, and I slugged through mud for a year just to pick myself back up.

I can imagine that’s kind of what being an XXXTENTACION fan is like.

And like me, with any luck, they’ll regret saying the things they did too.

That’s all for this year. I’ll get to the best when I have more energy, but now I just can’t.

[shipme]

Dating Chanyeol would include

A/N: This idea was requested by @luna208 a while ago, but I finally found the time to type it on my computer! -Admin Whiger

Meeting him

you were running down the streets, being ultra-late for an appointment and then you received a call: you searched for your phone, getting distracted and BAM, you smashed into someone

not being able to see in front of you after the shock (probably should have eaten this morning)

Chanyeol completely put-off by the accident: what was he supposed to do?

realizing that you aren’t getting off the ground, even after he tries to call out to you, so he dials the ambulance number

you whimper and he’s immediately all around you, asking you questions Are you okay Miss? Can you hear me? Do you see everything? Can you count my fingers? you’re still in a sort of fog so half of the questions don’t register and the other half just makes your head spin

Chanyeol waiting for the ambulance to come, and being taken in with you as he doesn’t want to let you alone

you feel better soon after, but Chanyeol doesn’t let you go without having you entering your contact in his phone as he still worries

Being friends

he actually really checks up on you, and you’re baffled he remembered you exist? You just expected him to have done this by accident?

you just basically answer by asking him how he feels as well

and surprisingly, it doesn’t feel that awkward: he even offers you to meet you at a café so you can get to know him

you can’t decline such an offer (or well, you could but I can’t because I’m addicted to coffee so just play along with me) and that’s how you find yourself in a place you don’t know, ready to meet a stranger

you arrive right on time. But he doesn’t. You’re starting to worry because “hey he might have left me on my own because we all know such gentlemen don’t exist and this was really shady anyway”, and then you receive a message informing you he was running late at work but he didn’t forget you

you just play some games on your phone while waiting, declining the time someone comes and ask if you want to drink because there’s no way he comes and sees you casually sipping on a drink as you got tired of waiting

you’re really immersed in that game when there’s a loud clank as someone settles drink in front of you and plank himself on the chair just in front of you

you ease into a smile as you recognize the boy who saved you -aka Chanyeol

you say hi to him, thank him for the drink, and immediately start sipping on it because you suddenly feel very shy

Chanyeol breaks the silence by asking you if you enjoy what you drink with a worried tone and you both start randomly speaking about your favorite drinks and it just derivates from there

the thing that put an end to the convo was your phone ringing because your appointment had been rescheduled and you could have your interview in fifteen minutes, and it’s at the other end of the city

so you immediately start smiling wide and then it just turns down because there is NO WAY you make it on time

Then, Chanyeol asks what is wrong, and when you expose the problem, he asks you if you’d want him to drive you there? and you’re like, is he even real? 

being overly stressed during the whole ride because Chanyeol just seems to speed too much and you haven’t got the right clothes on so you won’t look professional enough… And Chanyeol just put on some music to get you to destress

Next, the collaboration between EXO Chanyeol and Punch

BAM, TALKING ABOUT STRESS?

Trying to discreetly double-check Chanyeol because now, you’re sure you have seen his face somewhere but apparently, being discreet isn’t part of your outlet

Shy Chanyeol who doesn’t really know what to say and tries to escape your attention so you don’t say anything because you’re not gonna force him 

so it surprises you when he clears his voice a bit and explains to you that yes, he is THAT Chanyeol

silence

SILENCE
 and then you just shrug with a  “ah okay, nice to know” and you focus back on being a total anxiety wreck

And then, Chanyeol decides that now that you know, he can distract you by raping. Which works pretty well.

“We’ve arrived” and you just stay frozen on the spot before slowly moving with the invitation of Chanyeol

You’re in the elevator when your phones ring New Message from Chanyeol: You’ve got that power!  which makes you laugh, followed by a “keep in touch”

it takes a whole week but you learn that you have been selected for the job!!!!! and you text your family, your best friend, AND Chanyeol

and he tells you that it’s the special occasion to go to a bar and share some drinks

but you’re really surprised when you arrive at the destination he indicated and you find yourself surrounded with A LOT MORE PEOPLE than Chanyeol

sticking to Chanyeol’s side because you’re not sure how to interact with everyone (they just seem so impressive and anyway, you can’t seem to remember all the names)

dying inside when you finally go out only to be invited to a karaoke and you know you can’t refuse so you go along with it but you just feel bad

still, you spend a very good moment (you end up singing Likey with Sehun, and it’s a real sight to see)

Starting dating

everyone in the group already accepted you because you’ve been seeing them a lot as you were close to Chanyeol and he likes to bring you around

they probably called you when they couldn’t find Chanyeol because that meant that he was hanging out with you and it was quicker than checking up on all his locations

you two had your infamous movie nights each week, which included the both of you lying down on the sofa, half-asleep, with Chanyeol playing with your hair

but you only were friends: you even invited some of the guys to tag along sometimes but soon denied all access to Chen and Sehun, they would be teasing you all night. Then, you also banished Baekhyun because he'll be whining that you were gonna be the end of ChanBaek and it would break the heart of millions (his first)

sometimes wondering if you want to be more than a friend with Chanyeol, but being afraid to lose all contact because of this

and Chanyeol is also worrying (don’t tell me he isn’t a worrywart), and he’ll probably talk about his feelings to Suho and the SM because he doesn’t want to make a faux-pas and realise that even if he musters up the course to ask you out, there’s a probably you two won’t be allowed to date

on one of your usual movie nights, you go to his place but there isn’t any light on (he gave you a key) and you’re panicking? Because you can’t find him, he hasn’t left a message behind, and he isn’t picking up his phone?

Contacting is members only to know that he still is at the headquarters

so you wait it out by wandering aimlessly in his house, where you find his computer turned on with some new songs displayed

and really, who could blame you when you click on those tracks and get lost in Chanyeol’s voice before focusing on the lyrics and then you feel strangely sad because he just talks about his feelings for someone and even if you haven’t confesses, you’re quite mad that he hasn’t talked to you about that person

when Chanyeol enters his house and he hears that music playing, he knows that he’s screwed because well, you just heard what he created to ask you out so there’s no way he can pass it off as it’s just very friendly

when he opens the door, he is met with a frown  “HoW cOmE yOu HaVeN’t ToLd Me YoU hAvE fEeLiNgS fOr SoMeOnE?” and then, he stares at you before a smile paints on his lips and he chuckles

and you’re like “DiD yOu JuSt ChUcKlE aT mY fAcE PARK CHANYEOL” and that’s when he closes the gap between you two and kisses you

there’s a beat of awkwardness and you don’t even react to the kiss at first because you’re caught off guard 

so, instead of that, you take a hold of him and lock him in your arms so he knows you didn’t intend to reject him

Being a couple

First, Sehun had to redistribute all the money the boys had bet on you

on daily basis, it hadn’t really changed anyway

except the teasing: you didn’t know you could want to hit someone as much as that before being confronted to some (CHEN) EXO members

sometimes having the impression that Baekhyun came along with the Chanyeol’s package  “Hey, I decided to buy those Disney tickets but Baekhyun was being me and I know he was alone on that day soooo…” #thirdwheeling

Chanyeol teasing you with his height and you being pouty because even when you tip-toes, you can’t kiss him (so you found that new idea of kicking his gently in his knees so that he bent down and was the ideal height)

sometimes, you’ll jokingly complain to Baekhyun about the fact that Chanyeol is too much of a hassle because of his height and then, when Chanyeol finds out, you’re in for one hell of a night (I DON’T WRITE SMUT so I leave that part up for your imagination, but just remember that this person also have Zootopia’s bedsheets)

being the kind of couple to have very meaningful souvenirs together, and always having matching sets of jewelry because you prefer to be discreet about it

fighting is absolutely awful for the both of you: it happens sometimes, for petty reasons and that leaves you two infuriated with each other: Chanyeol probably leaves before doing something he could regret, and you leave the place because you want to take a breath

then, you don’t talk for a few days and it’s either you or him that goes back to the other because you just feel very saddened that you aren’t talking anymore, and the both of you will apologize

when in huge fights, you two will probably come to the other to expose his point of view calmly because sadly, all problems cannot be escaped

after 3 years of dating (and rough experiences), you finally decide to live together: this can be stressing but there is nothing that can compare to going to sleep encircled in Chanyeol’s arms

Chanyeol is very supportive of you (you also return the gesture, and you always cheer him up and give him your full appreciation) and you’re really a supportive couple 

he writes a song dedicated to you and sings it for the first time during a concert on the day of your anniversary  and you just starts weeping and all the EXO-L are trying to comfort you, and everyone just cheers for you two because everyone can see the love flowing

you realize later on that fancies had been taken and you both get real shy overtime you come upon one, Chanyeol blushes and you bury yourself in his arms but this is probably one of your favorite souvenirs

[eirist]

Little Bits and Pieces of Heaven

ONE PERFECT MOMENT

One-shot #: 7

Disclaimer:  One Piece (and its characters) belongs to Eiichiro Oda-sensei.

Reminder: I have no beta-reader. Any grammatical and spelling errors are solely mine.

Warning:  OOC possible. One shot. Song fic.

Rating: T

Note: Scenes are not necessarily happening while the lyrics are playing. My suggestion is to keep the song on a loop until you finish reading or you can just totally ignore it and just read the fic. TDs stands for tone dials. Italicized words are song lyrics.

Summary: The swordsman and the navigator share a moment with no pretenses.

I found a love for me Darling just dive right in And follow my lead…

It was Brook who brought the blasted tone dials on the Thousand Sunny after attending a music festival in a jovial island, where the Straw Hats momentarily docked to replenish their supply and stretch their legs.

Almost everyone was excited with their musician’s newest acquisition. Brook may have been a rock star during the crew’s separation but had overlooked (or deliberately overlooked) to bring any of his tone dials on board for the others to enjoy.

After a boisterous debate between the loud members of the crew, it was eventually decided to place the TDs inside the aquarium bar. And when said dials started playing, a hush fell over the rambunctious crew and even their high-spirited captain paused momentarily to listen to the melody.

 Brook was thrilled with his friends’ reactions right down to the bones (since he IS only bones after all). He had personally picked the songs recorded on the dials from the artists and musicians who were at the festival and thought his nakama might like it.

And like they did.

For the next days the door of the aquarium bar stayed open as the tone dials played all day long, filling every corner of the Thousand Sunny with different melodies.

Well I found a girl Beautiful and sweet I never knew you were the someone waiting for me…

Zoro’s ears grew accustomed to the sounds that were playing. He did not participate in the crew’s current fascination with the music. Each Mugiwara had his or her own favorite and depending on what is playing, the swordsman can distinguish who’s got their hands on the TDs.

That one particularly bouncy song playing all morning ‘til noon would be Luffy’s. Said captain got hooked on it so much that he played it over and over again, subjecting the crew to a humming marathon of that particular ditty as they go about their daily tasks.

Except him, of course.

Not more than once his ever attentive ears caught Usopp or Chopper humming theirs. Twice he heard Franky singing under his breath during dinner. Even that pathetic excuse of a cook was not excluded from the madness; crooning as he prepared their meals, his feet tapping in time with the music.

Though it seemed like Robin did not get caught up in the music craze, he stand to be corrected when he heard the dark-haired woman humming while tending to her flower bed as he secretly tried to nap under Nami’s mikan trees.

And the navigator was just as bad as the rest of them. When the Sunny was anchored for the night and everyone is asleep, he would hear the tone dials playing Nami’s favorite song.

'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love Not knowing what it was

For three consecutive nights, he kept seeing the navigator stealthily crossing the lawn deck to head to the aquarium bar. Her long, orange hair glinting under the moonlight that it easily caught his eye.

And for three consecutive nights, he would silently follow her to check what in the world she’s up to.

A brief glance at the porthole and he would find the same scene as the previous nights: the navigator sitting on the floor with an open bottle of wine, a glass on her hand, eyes closed, singing softly.

She was totally immersed with the melody that he decided not to bother her and simply chose to walk away, letting her be alone with her wine and her song.

I will not give you up this time

Before the week ended, Zoro—who thought he was resistant to any influences—succumbed unconsciously and found himself humming that certain song, much to his horror.

And it didn’t help that he can actually hear it as he made his way up the ladder of the crow’s nest to relieve Nami of her watch duty.

He wisely shut his mouth to refrain himself from humming again. If she finds out about it, he’ll never hear the end of it.

He approached the open trap door and peered inside. It was the same scene as with the aquarium bar. He noted the tone dials turntable lying on the crow’s nest’s floor along with a bottle of wine and one, unperturbed navigator.

But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own And in your eyes you're holding mine

Nami acknowledged his presence with a soft ‘hmmm’ and a slight tip of her head as she sipped her wine.

“That thing had been used too much,” he drawled as he made his way inside. Nami angled her head towards him, a smile pulling at the corners of her lips.

“It’s a wonder it hasn’t snapped in two,” Zoro continued. “Luffy’s already abused it a lot these past few days.”

“Debts and threats did the trick.” The orange-haired girl replied flippantly.

“And scheduled uses?”

Nami’s lips quirked a little at that. “Yep. Or Luffy will hog it all day.” He raised an eyebrow at her. Lately he noticed that her mood seemed to improve whenever she hears that song or whenever she hums it.

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms

“Well time to hit the sack, witch. It’s my shift now.”

“Just a few more minutes.”

“It’s already an hour past midnight. Don’t you need your beauty sleep or something?”

Nami laughed at that. “Gee, thanks for your concern. But I think I want to listen to this a little more.”

“You know me, always keeping an eye out after your well-being.”

That made the navigator laugh more. “Pun unintended?” She winked at him, half-teasingly and half acknowledging his scarred eye. “Of course I know Zoro,” she stated, tilting her head so she can stare at his face and see his reaction. “You always look out for me. It’s a nasty habit of yours.”

He smirked at her in agreement.

Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song

“Now run along swordsman,” she inclined her head towards the trap door; her soft, orange curls swaying with the movement. “I’m still good here, give me a few more minutes.” She switched the TDs on and her song started playing again.

Sighing, he decided to settle himself on the floor just inches away from where she was sitting. It would actually be nice to fall asleep near her surrounded with scents and sounds he can only associate with the navigator.

Placing his hands behind his head, “Just wake me up when you’re going down.” He muttered before closing his eye.

“Sure you don’t want some first?” Nami slid the wine bottle towards him. Zoro muttered a ‘no’ and mumbled something about ‘sake’ that she didn’t quite catch, before drifting off.

When you said you looked a mess,

Nami stole a glance at him, her pretty face lighting up in amusement when she saw what he was doing. It wasn’t really that surprising to her. Zoro must have heard the song a dozen times already, mostly from sticking his nose in her nightly business (of course she’s aware that he’s following and peeking), that it’s bound to affect him sooner or later.

He may not admit it. But apparently the usually stoic man got ensnared too by the crew’s current obsession, rather unconsciously. Because there he was, lips moving on his own accord in what one can classify as singing, albeit silently, hoping she wouldn’t notice.

But she did. She always does. Especially when it comes to him.

I whispered underneath my breath

She brought her knees to her chest and closed her eyes, breathing the salty sea air deeply. Resting her head on her knees, she basked in this rare moment where she has her music, her wine and her swordsman in one place as the Thousand Sunny bobbed lightly on the ocean.

But you heard it, Darling, you look perfect tonight

Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home

A light breeze blew softly playing with the docked ships’ flags as they swayed back and forth in a steady rhythm. The night was still and the port silent as Zoro finally made his way towards where the Sunny was anchored.

The other Mugiwaras were still at the town’s pub drinking and eating to their hearts’ content. It was the perfect opportunity for the swordsman to catch some sleep without his rowdy crew mates to disturb him.

He left amidst Luffy, Usopp and Chopper dancing on the top of the table, chopsticks jammed in their nostrils as the whole bar drunkenly cheered them on.

With a bottle of sake in one hand Zoro ambled towards the ship, looking forward to some time alone with his drink and nap.

I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets To carry love, to carry children of our own

There was that song again, randomly playing inside his head. He winced a little knowing that he will not be able to stop himself from humming that blasted ditty.

He blames Nami for this. He thought, taking a swig from his bottle before nonchalantly making his way up the ladder leading to the deck.

We are still kids, but we're so in love Fighting against all odds

He stilled for a moment before hoisting himself up on the deck. So that wasn’t all in his head. Halfway up the ship he realized the reason why he suddenly had the urge to hum it.

The song was playing from the Sunny.

Come to think of it, he hadn’t seen Nami in the bar earlier after dinner.

When he finally reached the railing, he stopped short to take in the scene before him.

Moonlight bathed the lawn deck of the Thousand Sunny, making the grass glimmer every now and then. The aquarium bar door was open and from inside, the tone dials were playing the one song that’s been plaguing him day and night. Everything was kind of surreal. Like inside a dream. In the midst of the deck, there was their orange-haired navigator. Her eyes were closed and a serene smile was on her face as she languidly twirled in circles in some sort of dance, her bare feet grazing the grass.

I know we'll be alright this time Darling, just hold my hand

Zoro leaned back against the railing and watched her with concealed amazement, sake momentarily forgotten and absently placed atop the railing.

It might be that to others the scene he was witnessing was kind of crazy…

But not to him.

This was Nami in her unimpeded; no walls up, no hindrances, free from the restrictions she imposed upon herself.

Nami just being the real Nami and not just the money loving cat thief.

This is her most open, her most vulnerable.

Be my girl, I'll be your man I see my future in your eyes

This is what she would’ve been if the pirate’s life did not manage to grasp her at such an early age. If she had grew up to led a normal life and enjoyed living it.

Maybe that’s the reason why she was so attached to the song. It brings back the lost childhood desires of the girl who grew up too quickly to survive the world.

Without a second thought, he pushed himself away from the railing to join her in one moment of openness.

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song

She didn’t flinched when he suddenly enclosed her in his arms and he realized that she had been aware that he was watching her for some time.

Instead, she tilted her head to look at him and let out girlish laugh. She wrapped her arms around his neck, tiptoeing slightly. And his hold tightened around her waist.

When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful

It wasn’t like he was intruding with her privacy by being there.

More so, if anyone should see this openness she rarely show, it should be him. The one who had understood who she really is right from the start.

I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight

The skirt of her yellow dress brushed against his legs as they moved. He had forfeited his yukata in favor of a white t-shirt and was distinctly aware of Nami’s hands leisurely sliding up and down his shoulders and arms in a soothing gesture before entwining themselves around his neck again.

His eye studied her face carefully. She was always beautiful.

Even more so under the silvery moonlight that seemed to make her glow.

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms

He rested his forehead against hers and her eyes closed to bask in this rare moment with him.

They swayed languorously in a sort of dance but not quite so. The soft ocean breeze blew, playing with the long orange strands of her hair, unfurling the intoxicating citrusy smell in them…

Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song

Zoro lifted a hand to tuck an errant lock behind her ear, letting it linger beside her cheek in the softest of caresses, the arm around her waist pulling her closer to him. A contented smile spread across the navigator’s lips as their eyes met.

No words where needed to confirm what they both know right from the start.

I have faith in what I see Now I know I have met an angel in person

She tilted her face so that her cheek was resting against his. He breathed deeply, taking in her scent as he turned his head to let his lips touch her face in lightest of kisses.

And she looks perfect

The world around them cease to exist. There was only them, the song and this extraordinary moment of tranquility where they both wore their hearts out in their sleeves.

I don't deserve this You look perfect tonight

[emilyjunk]

Prompt: Beca and Emily go on their first date without really realizing its their first date because both are too nervous to ask

this ended up only kind of being what you were asking but it got a little longer so i hope that makes up for the fact that it’s only like... slightly what you meant.

Stacie Conrad and Chloe Beale are often lumped together in the Bellas for several reasons. They’re gorgeous, first. They’re flirty, second. They love to party, third.

They’re also both hopeless romantics, fourth, and want their best friends to be as happy as they deserve to be, fifth.

Now those last two aren’t really reasons that the other Bellas lump them together, but they know, and they have often conspired together to be matchmakers when they’re out on the town and a little bit drunk.

They’ve never had the opportunity to act on these conspiratorial plans, per se, but they dream about it often.

Then, finally, one day, the opportunity arrives in the form of a lanky and enthusiastic girl.

Enter one Emily Junk.

//

When Chloe Beale first met Beca Mitchell, she knew they were going to be best friends. She has a keen sense for things like this, and her friendship with Beca Mitchell was practically written in the stars.

Now, Chloe isn’t a meddler. She likes people to forge their own paths. So when Beca started dating Jesse, and Chloe thought it was weird, she didn’t say anything. If her friend was happy, then she was happy.

(She was way happier for Beca when they broke up, because those two just did not make sense to Chloe, but she didn’t say that. No, sir, she did not. But she did think it. Secretly.)

No, Chloe is not a meddler.

But then Chloe met Emily Junk. Or more specifically, Chloe watched Beca Mitchell meet Emily Junk.

She watched as Beca softened every time Emily spoke, and she watched as Emily lit up whenever Beca walked into a room, and she watched them sing together, and write music together, and grow as people together.

And the hopeless romantic in her mixed with the bit of her that wants her best friends to be as happy as they deserve to be.

That’s when Chloe Beale became a meddler.

//

Stacie Conrad has been said to have a very nonspecific taste in boys and boyfriends. This is honestly true.

She does, however, have a very specific taste in friends.

And her taste in friends looks exactly like Emily Junk.

Eager, genuine, and lively, Emily caught Stacie’s eye immediately. She was just the type of person Stacie likes to take under her wing, groom to be their best self, and help set free from the chain of their own expectations.

Emily Junk is the very type of person that Stacie develops an inescapable fondness for, and Stacie is an extremely loyal person, the definition of ride or die, and when Stacie meets Emily, that’s exactly what she becomes.

So when it’s suddenly clear to her that Emily has a crush on one of the other people Stacie would ride or die for, she decides she has a new mission in life.

Stacie Conrad is going to set Emily Junk up with Beca Mitchell.

//

“Force them under the mistletoe at Christmas?”

“No, too awkward and Beca would just run away. Double date and then we ditch?”

“Hm, that could work, but it’s pretty obvious and they might reject the idea if we’re not subtle about it.”

Stacie huffs. “Ugh, we’ve thought of about 50 ways to set them up and none of them are good. Why can’t my brain think of something? It’s usually so smart.”

Chloe laughs. “Well, we’ve had like 6 drinks, Stace.”

“Only because we’ve been sitting here so long rejecting ideas! It’s going to be Valentine’s Day by the time we think of something.”

And then, through her drunken haze, Stacie has an idea. A wonderful idea. A genius idea.

A wonderfully genius idea.

//

Chloe calls it Galentine’s Day after one of the best episodes of TV in existence and her personal favorite holiday.

The idea is that they celebrate their Bella friendships by going on a friendship date with another Bella for Valentine’s Day. Half the Bellas will randomly pick the other half out of a hat, along with a random fun date activity, and they’ll enjoy a random lovely time together.

That’s the idea anyway. It’s just that Stacie and Chloe totally rig it so it’s not random at all.

GENIUS!

//

“Do we really have to do this?” Beca grumbles, her hand hovering over the hat. She’s not really in to Valentine’s Day.

“It’ll be fun, Bec!” Chloe beams, bouncing on her toes and her eyes gleaming with just a little too much excitement.

Beca doesn’t trust it one bit. She’s sure there are terrifying activities in that hat just waiting for her to pick one and embarrass herself at.

“Yeah, come on, Beca, we’re all going to pick one!” Stacie shoots her a wink from her spot next to Chloe where she’s holding the hat with the activities. “Live a little.”

Beca sighs. “Fine, but I’d like it to be known that I’m not happy about this at all.”

“Okay,” Stacie says. “Noted.”

“Noted? So I don’t have to do it?”

“No, you still have to do it, but I’m just making a note that you’re not happy about it. In my brain.”

Beca rolls her eyes. “Great.”

And she sticks her hand in the hat.

//

Chloe holds the hat high enough that Beca has to reach up to grab a slip of paper from inside it. It’s a good thing Beca is so short.

Otherwise she might see that all the slips have Emily Junk written on them.

//

“Emily,” Beca calls out, and the girl snaps her head up from where she’s looking down at her notebook.

“What?”

“You’re my… Galentine.”

Emily’s eyes widen before she breaks out in a wide smile. “Oh cool! What are we doing?”

“You get to pick,” Stacie says, innocently holding out her hat with the designated activities.

Which all say the same totally not random thing.

(Next to her, Chloe is very subtly and inconspicuously exchanging all the Emily Junk slips for ones with the other Bella’s names on them.)

Emily reaches into the hat and pulls out the chosen activity. “Concert in the park. Ooh, a concert! That’ll be fun!” She grins over at Beca, who smiles reluctantly.

“Yeah, I guess it could be worse. Live music is good, at least.”

Beca shrugs. Emily nods in excitement. Stacie and Chloe share a look.

What those two don’t know is that the concert, on Valentine’s Day, is actually a romantic couples concert where the band will solely do covers of the most iconic love songs in history.

//

When Emily gets to the Bella house on Valentine’s Day, Beca is already downstairs and waiting for her.

Emily’s kind of apprehensive because she knows Beca doesn’t really want to do this, and she knows it has nothing to do with her, Beca just doesn’t like this kind of thing, but she still feels a little uncertain. She thinks Beca is really cool, and super funny, and extremely beautiful and talented, and Emily wants Beca to like her and she wants them to have a fun time together.

So, yeah, she’s kind of a nervous person in general, but now she’s just like, extra nervous.

“You ready?” Beca asks, swinging her car keys around her finger and grabbing her bag.

“Yep. Mhmm. Totally. Let’s do this. Off we go!” She cringes when Beca shoots her a funny look. Why is she so awkward? Darn her nervous and naturally enthusiastic disposition.

They get in Beca’s car and Emily tries not to pat her knees anxiously as they start driving. She doesn’t know what to say? There’s like a billion things in her brain that she could say, but none of them really seem like things she should say. Or like things Beca would care about.

Thankfully she’s saved when Beca hands her the AUX cord. “You wanna play your music?”

Well, she’s saved from talking. But now she has to pick the music and oh my god what if Beca hates her music?!

“...Uh. Okay,” she says reluctantly, plugging the cord into her phone. She doesn’t know what to play so she just picks her random songs playlist where she puts new songs she hears that she kind of likes until she gets sick of them and takes them off.

It’s mostly just new songs by artists she hasn’t really heard of before, ones with lame lyrics but a good beat. Nothing too emotional, but super fun to dance to.

She thinks it’s okay because Beca nods her head along to the beat as she drives and turns the volume up, so Emily breathes a little easier.

“Do you know what band we’re seeing?” Emily asks as they pull up to their destination and find a place to park.

“Nope,” Beca shakes her head. “Chloe just said it’s some cover band and,” she does air quotes, “it’s not about the band, it’s about spending time together.”

Emily nods. “Well, that’s nice I guess. But I mean, it always is a little bit about the band, don’t you think? Hard to have a good time if they’re really bad.”

Beca grins over at her. “I think it’s always mostly about the band. But at least if they’re bad we can make fun of them together.”

“Deal,” Emily laughs, and Beca joins in, and suddenly Emily isn’t really nervous at all.

She suddenly feels like they’re going to have a really good time.

//

“Do you see them?”

“No.”

“How did we lose them? Beca drives like a grandma.”

Chloe suddenly aggressively points out the windshield. “There! They’re getting out of the car.”

Stacie follows Chloe’s finger and slowly parks her car a little ways away from Beca’s in the parking lot, swatting at Chloe when she sticks her head out of the window to see better. “Don’t let them see you, Chlo.”

“I’m not! They’re walking away. Quick, get out or we’ll lose them!”

They both scramble to get out of the car and follow Beca and Emily at a safe distance. They have a close call when Emily abruptly stops and runs back to Beca’s car for something she must have forgotten. Chloe and Stacie duck behind the nearest vehicle to hide.

“Did she see us?”

Stacie peeks her head out. “Hm. Nah, no way. You know how she is.”

Chloe nods. “It’s going to completely ruin this plan if we get caught stalking them, you know.”

“Not to mention Emily has pepper spray and might attack you if she mistakes you for a creep.”

At that moment, there’s a coughing noise beside them and they realize the car they hid behind is still occupied and the couple inside has their windows open and is staring at them.

Stacie shoots them a look. “What? You’ve never set your best friends up on a date and then spied on them before?”

Chloe giggles and grabs Stacie’s hand. “Come on, they’re getting away.”

Stacie narrows her eyes at the couple in the car again before letting Chloe pull her after their friends.

//

Beca has a bad vibe about this concert.

Something isn’t right about it.

She just can’t put her finger on what it is.

Everything looks normal. There’s a stage set up in the park, lots of standing room in the grass. There’s a beer tent. People milling about. Relatively good sound equipment.

It all seems fine.

So why is she getting such a weird vibe?

The sun is just starting to set and people are crowding the stage. “Come on, let’s get closer,” Beca says, and tugs on Emily’s jacket. She hates being short at standing room only concerts; she can never see.

They manage to get a relatively close spot, one not right behind any tall people, just as the band comes on stage. Emily lets Beca stand in front of her so she can see better.

“I can just see over your head,” Emily grins, her eyes crinkling at the corners as she teases Beca.

Beca resists the urge to stick out her tongue. “Bite me, Legacy.”

“HELLO ATLANTA!” The lead singer of the band says into the microphone. He looks like he’s in his forties and too old for the Vans he currently has on his feet. Beca snorts. “How y’all doing tonight?!”

There’s some pretty lame clapping, like barely any really, and the drummer bangs a little on the drums.

“Now we wanna thank all you guys and gals for coming to our annual Valentine’s Date in the Park. Stay bundled up out there by grabbing your honey and dancing along.”

The band jumps into their first song, Love Shack, which Beca lowkey doesn’t hate, so. Whatever. She bops her head along. She guesses it’s a classic and it is Valentine’s Day. She doesn’t know what she was expecting.

The band’s next song is I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith. Another classic, but the lead singer definitely doesn’t sound as good as Steven Tyler. After that comes some Beatles songs, God Only Knows by The Beach Boys, and You Make Loving Fun by Fleetwood Mac.

Now, Beca totally doesn’t really hate any of these songs. They’re, you know, classics, or whatever, and sure the band doesn’t sound that great but they’re still good songs.

It’s just that at this time she suddenly realizes what’s happening here.

Literally every person around them is middle-aged and part of a couple. There are middle-aged couples dancing together, singing to each other, looking lovingly at each other.

And kissing.

Oh God there’s so much kissing.

It suddenly hits her that this is totally a concert for older couples. On Valentine’s Day.

How could she have not seen this coming?

She feels Emily at her back and looks over her shoulder. Emily’s nodding along to the song, something by Poison, and looking mildly uninterested, but not completely bored.

“Em?” Beca screams just over the music.

Emily leans down so she can hear better. “Yeah?”

“Um, I just realized there’s like, nobody under forty in this crowd and they’re all like, making out.”

Emily’s head snaps back and she looks around them, her nose scrunching cutely. “Oh. Oh ew. That lady looks like my mom.”

“Can we get out of here? The band is kind of lame anyway.”

“Yeah, for sure.” Emily grins and starts to push her way through the crowd of couples. It’s not super thick, but Beca grabs the back of her jacket to keep from getting separated anyway.

They walk away from the stage a little and as they get further from the speakers, Beca feels like there suddenly is a lot more space around her and like, in her head.

She takes a big gulp of air.

“So. That was weird?” She says as they walk. “Do you think they did that on purpose or Chloe just didn’t realize it was for old people?”

“Beats me,” Emily shrugs. “I knew like, two of those songs, though.”

Beca grins at her. “Really? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I dunno, I was just dancing. They weren’t the worst band ever.” She looks over at Beca. “Do you think they’ll yell at us if we go back from the concert early?”

“I mean, yell is a strong word,” but then she thinks about it. “But actually they probably will be insufferable about it. Maybe we should kill some more time.”

Emily nods. “Yeah, okay. You wanna walk around a bit? I think there’s this little ice cream place across the street from the other entrance of the park, if I remember correctly. Chloe took me there once.”

“Sounds good.”

The park isn’t that big, so it only takes them a few minutes to get to the other entrance and across the street to the ice cream place.

Beca gets mint chocolate chip immediately because it’s what she always gets, but Emily takes about five minutes trying to decide on a flavor. Finally she chooses this bright blue flavor that’s supposedly cotton candy.

“Really?” Beca smirks. “After all that deciding, you go with cotton candy?”

Emily shrugs happily. “It looks yummy.”

The teenager worker raises his eyebrows as he hands her the cone. “Yeah, we don’t get many people over twelve years old getting that flavor.”

Beca feels herself frowning a bit, unsure why.

The guy continues. “Makes your tongue blue. Just what every adult wants, right? Personally, never even tried it myself.”

Emily licks at the cone, unaffected, but Beca eyes the guy as she hands over her debit card. “Guess people just stop having fun when they get older,” she says. “Become boring like you.”

The guy just stares at her. “Sure. You together or separate?”

“Together,” Beca says at the same time as Emily says “Separate.”

The guy looks between them, then shrugs and charges Beca for them both.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Emily says when they’re walking out of the shop. “I have money.”

“I know,” Beca assures her. “I just wanted to. It’s fine.”

She doesn’t say that the worker rubbed her the wrong way for lowkey judging Emily’s flavor, because whatever. Emily doesn’t seem to care, so why should she?

They walk back through the park, licking their cones and talking about the Bellas and music. Beca shivers a little. It’s February and they’re eating ice cream and she didn’t exactly dress the warmest in her leather jacket, jeans, and Chucks.

Emily doesn’t seem to mind the brisk air and Beca thinks maybe she should’ve taken a cue from Emily’s wardrobe, a peacoat over dark skinny jeans and boots. And she’s wearing a plain black beanie, pulled over her wavy hair.

Emily catches her as she’s looking and Beca’s stomach flips when Emily smiles at her.

“What?” Emily asks, her hand coming up to her face. “Do I have ice cream on my face? That always happens.”

“No,” Beca says, uncertain if she should mention that Emily just looks unreally beautiful in the moonlight, little patches of lights shining golden on the ends of her hair every time they pass under a lit tree.

She just seems so… happy and carefree.

And Beca feels… weird. And it takes her a second to know why she’s feeling weird, but when she does, it causes her to shiver again.

She just realized that this moment is really… romantic.

“Why do you look like a Wrackspurt flew in your ears?”

Beca blinks, smiling over at Emily. “What? Is that that one thing from Harry Potter.”

Emily beams. “Yeah. Luna says they fly in your ears and make you all confused.”

“Kay dork.” She nudges Emily as they walk and their hands brush and they’ve made their way far enough back in the park that they’re coming up to the stage again.

And the song playing is Faithfully by Journey and Beca wonders for the first time…

Are they on a date?

Well sure, they’re on a friendship date, but like…

Why does this feel like a real date?

“If you think positive thoughts you can get rid of them,” Emily says and it takes Beca a moment to remember they were talking about Harry Potter.

“I am,” Beca murmurs because she is.

She’s thinking about how cute Emily is and how her lips look really soft and how she totally wants this to be a real date.

She’s so screwed.

//

“I can’t see them anymore.”

“Me neither. Crap, what if they left?”

Stacie scours the crowd for her two friends, but doesn’t see them among all the dancing couples. “Maybe they didn’t like the music?”

Chloe scrunches her nose. “Beca secretly loves all these songs. They’re on her classics playlist.”

“Maybe they realized we set them up to go to a couple’s concert.” Stacie sighs. “We should’ve had a backup plan.”

“Well, come on,” Chloe starts to push out of the crowd. “Let’s head back to the parking lot and see if they’re there. If Beca’s car is still there, we’ll just wait for them to come back.”

Suddenly Stacie tugs roughly on her jacket. “Oh my God, there!”

She pulls on Chloe’s arm and they duck behind a tree. It’s not a very good hiding place, but Beca and Emily don’t seem to notice them.

No, Stacie thinks. They’re too preoccupied staring at each other.

“Where’d they get those ice creams?” Chloe whispers, but Stacie shushes her.

“Look, they’re so cute. You can see Beca’s heart eyes from here!”

Chloe hums, peeking her head around Stacie’s shoulder. “Does it look like Emily keeps trying to hold her hand?”

“No, she does that when she walks next to you. She’s always bumping me with her elbow.”

They watch as their two friends walk down the path back toward the parking lot, Emily gesturing excitedly in that way she does when she talks, and Beca listening intently.

Stacie feels her heart flutter with happiness. “They are so cute.”

“I know, that’s why we tried to set them up,” Chloe laughs. “Should we follow them?”

“Yeah, but let’s wait a few minutes. They’re probably just going back to the Bella house.”

So they linger behind the tree, watching as Beca and Emily grow to be just specks in the darkness, and then they creep after them.

//

Emily’s never really sure about most things. She tries to be, but there are just so many variables.

That’s why she hates math.

She knows she can figure things out, but sometimes she’s just not sure which equation to use.

Right now with Beca kind of feels like that, too.

Emily’s feeling a lot of things and she’s just not sure which feeling is going to win out. It kind of depends on the situation, and how Beca feels, and why she paid for Emily’s ice cream and looked at her like Emily has answers to the whole freaking universe.

There’s a lot of variables here, but the most confusing one is Beca, and Emily’s not sure which equation she needs to follow through on to figure out if this is a date.

Like. A real date. Not this Galentine’s thing they’re supposed to be doing.

It’s just that Beca is like, so cool and so pretty and when she laughs, Emily feels like she did something right for once.

Also, it’s Valentine’s Day and she knows that doesn’t mean anything in this situation, but everything feels really soft and pretty and perfect.

And she was really nervous before starting this evening, but the longer she hangs out with Beca, the easier it is to talk to her. Beca is a super good listener, and she never interrupts or judges Emily for getting too excited. She asks questions like she’s actually interested and Emily doesn’t feel awkward.

She feels, like, right.

Like this is easy, and good, and… special.

And for the first time since the evening began, she once again doesn’t know if she should say what’s in her brain. Because she wants to ask Beca if this is a date, and why Beca keeps smiling at her like that while Emily sings along to Beca’s music in the car.

She holds it inside her the whole drive back until Beca’s parking on the street outside the Bella house and turning off the car and throwing them into silence.

And then she can’t hold it in anymore because she’s confused and eager and so, so uncertain.

“Was this a date?” She blurts out as they walk up the front steps.

Beca pauses in her movement to pull her keys out of her bag. She turns to look at Emily, an unreadable expression on her face. And oh God why did she say that?

She totally did the wrong equation and got all the variables confused and came to a very messed up conclusion.

“I mean, never mind. It’s just that it’s Valentine’s Day and you paid for my ice cream and I had a really good time with you and probably just read the vibes wrong. I do that sometimes. I’m kind of bad at reading social situations. It’s just that - ”

“Em.” Beca tugs on the collar of Emily’s jacket a little and she snaps her mouth shut. “Chill, please.”

“Sorry,” Emily murmurs, kind of wishing she could like, crawl under a rock and die or something.

Beca’s face softens and she smiles the tiniest smile, this fond and tender thing that Emily wants to memorize forever. “Do you want it to be a date?” Beca asks, staring at Emily curiously.

Emily opens her mouth, then shuts it, wrestling with herself, trying to decide what to say, but she can’t. So she just nods. “I think so.”

It seems to take 20 years for Beca to answer, or least for the longest breath Emily’s ever held in her life. “Yeah,” she says eventually. “Me too.”

“Really?” Emily kind of can’t believe it. Because Beca is so… Beca. And Emily is so… well, Emily.

“I had like, a really good time with you. Even if that concert was for lame old people” Beca shrugs, her cheeks turning red. “And I was thinking earlier that you look really pretty.”

Happiness basically explodes in Emily’s chest. “You think I’m pretty?”

Beca gives her an incredulous look. “Yeah dude? You’re all,” she waves her hand in front of Emily’s face as if that’s supposed to explain it. “Glowy.”

Beca practically cringes in embarrassment, but Emily thinks it’s probably the cutest thing she’s ever experienced.

“Like that glowy kid from Sky High?”

Beca snorts. “Sure. Something like that.”

Emily bounces on her toes happily. “Cool. So. You wanna go on another date with me?”

Beca looks away, trying to hide her smile. Emily feels on top of the world. “Yeah, alright.”

“Awesome.” She can’t stop smiling. “Well then I’m gonna go back to my dorm while I’m ahead here.” Beca shakes her head like she can’t believe Emily is real. Emily can relate. This doesn’t feel real at all. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Beca.”

Beca tilts her head to the side, takes a breath as if to brace herself, and then leans forward on her tiptoes.

Emily’s senses are suddenly overwhelmed when Beca’s lips connect with hers. She closes her eyes, her breath catching in her throat, her heart hammering madly in her chest.

It’s the softest most amazing first kiss she’s ever had in her life.

She might pass out.

Beca pulls back and Emily can feel her smiling against her lips before she even opens her eyes. She almost doesn’t want to in case Beca vanishes into thin air and she wakes up from some amazing dream.

Magically, unbelievably, when she finally does blink them open, Beca is still there, smirking at her and cheeks flushed. She shakes her head and finally pulls her keys out of her bag. She unlocks the door, and starts to step inside.

“Goodnight, Legacy,” she calls, laughter in her voice, and Emily just watches as Beca disappears inside the Bella house, the door closing behind her.

Emily is usually not that great at math, but after all the solved variables she was just given, she kind of thinks that she + Beca totally = the heart emoji.

//

“Stace, we suck at this sleuthing thing,” Chloe says as they pull up to the Bella house and see Beca’s car already parked in its usual spot. “We barely saw what they did all night!”

“Well, they didn’t follow the unofficial plan that we had for them,” Stacie frowns. “That’s rude of them.”

But then Chloe gasps. “Wait there’s Emily!”

Stacie glances out the window, and indeed, there is Emily, walking away from the Bella house and toward campus.

They jump out of the car and hurry down the sidewalk.

“You know, I’m never meddling again,” Chloe huffs as they just about catch up to her.

It’s probably for the best, she thinks, when they call out Emily’s name and only barely avoid getting pepper sprayed in the face because Emily clumsily drops her pepper spray in fright.

They went to all this trouble to set up this date and it clearly didn’t even work! Otherwise Beca and Emily would probably be kissing on the Bella porch or something else equally romantic!

No, Chloe thinks. She’s never meddling again.

Her friends will have to find out that they totes like each other all on their own!

[rennyji]

July 13th tweets...

July 13th tweets...

So I like all music that sounds good. From Rap to Becky G singing her song “Shower.”

Now, regarding Rap, some of the wording can make things awkward. I was blasting 99 problems remix from Jay Z feat Linkin Park. While listening, I’m at a red light in Tuckahoe. An elderly Caucasian woman walks across the street in front of my car, and Jay Z yells, “Ive got 99 problems but a b*tch ain’t one…” I can only imagine what goes through that old lady’s mind.

now from jay z’s perspective, in what older white men would call street language, when you think about it, from that one line, hes saying he has a slew of problems, but he’s so good or suave with women that, that part of his life is set…so in the spirit of expressions among some men like: “b*tches be trippin…” , it’s a crude way of referring to women for the sake of what is understood and accepted as cool.

Regardless,”99 problems” and the Linkin park remix really stimulate you or is invigorating. So it’s hard not to listen to it for the yelling and the tunes.

Then there’s DMX, God bless his soul.

While he sings”X Gon give it to ya” or even “Lord Give Me A Sign”,he also sings a song (I forget the name…oh yeah…it’s called “X is Coming” by DMX), where one of the lyrics is about how someone crossed him, pushes him, and how he lets his rage and anger manifest in threats. How does he express this? Well for one thing, he says he’ll shoot this guys wife…ummm ok. But then he says, if the guy who messed with him, has a daughter, and she’s 15 (he specifically mentions her as 15), DMX says, he, a grown man, will rape the 15 year old daughter. I mean WTF?! But maybe like poetry, you can’t take it literally, and you gotta see “what he means” or “where this hate?! Is coming from.” To rape a 15 year old daughter, words can’t express his hate for the dad or the offender, so he chooses those words.

“Hes basically saying, if you f*k with him, he won’t stop short of killing you. But he wants to take it a step further and say he is so spiteful, that he will screw you and ur entire family. Point being, don’t f*k with him.”

Even then, though I get where he’s going with lyrics, isn’t raping a 15 year old, pedophilia? Where there’s a Will, there’s a way, and there’s always more than one way to do something or say something. If he wants to express hate, why is this grown man talking that way about 15 year old girls?! I felt awkward with the elderly white woman walking in front of my car at Jay Z saying, I got 99 problems, but a b*tch ain’t one. It would be humiliating if that elderly white woman walked by my car while DMX expresses his hate toward haters, by talking about raping 15 year olds. I mean geez, WTF?! On a comical note, based on “what’s” said and “how” it’s said, theres the song “Last Night”by Diddy and Keyshia Cole. You gotta wonder how Keyshia Cole goes along with Diddy monologuing at the end of the song with :

“

Hello

Hey what's up?

I've been tryin' to reach you all night

That shit ain't funny not picking up the mutha fuckin' phone

Better stop fucking playing with a n*gga's feelings like that

You know how much I love you though right?

But for those couple of seconds though,

When I couldn't get in touch with you.

I'm ready to come over your house and shoot that mutha fucker up

You fuckin' dumb bitch

You better fuckin' not be there when I get over that house

[laughing]

That's really how it goes down right?”

Then there’s rap like from the artist, “Nas.” He has a song called “I can.” 

It’s inspirational, it has a message, the tune or background music just needs to be catchier. 

These rap songs need catchier, classier, diction along with trending or catchy tunes/music.

---

And then there’s Eminem, with “The Way I Am” song.

Part of the lyrics go:

“I don't know you, and no, I don't owe you a mothafuckin' thing

I'm not Mr. N'Sync, I'm not what your friends think

I'm not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick if you tempt me

My tank is on empty, no patience is in me

And if you offend me, I'm lifting you ten feet in the air

I don't care who was there and who saw me just jaw you

Go call you a lawyer, file you a lawsuit

I'll smile in the courtroom and buy you a wardrobe

I'm tired of all you, I don't mean to be mean

But that's all I can be, it's just me

And I am whatever you say I am

If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?

In the paper, the news, every day I am

Radio won't even play my jam

'Cause I am whatever you say I am

If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?

In the paper, the news, every day I am, huh

I don't know, it's just the way I am”

While I’m about networking, by my core nature of a Libran (only inanimate object in the zodiac: the scales of justice), while I’m about people coming to me, talking to me, me talking to them, I hear this song and wonder about instances where the orchestrators filter what I’m saying or use it for their ends. I think about the instructions given to people under the delusion of “wtf?!” Assisting me?! Did anyone think of talking to me and telling me what’s going on, instead of the signs in a delusional scenario that is the definition of conspiracies and leaning toward what some doctors would see as paranoid schizophrenia?! I mean WTF?!  So there’s that part about not owing anything to anyone. If ur just a stranger randomly eavesdropping into my life, then until you speak to me, I don’t know you, I’m not ur friend NOR ur enemy- I mean that’s reality, that’s what the song gets at, that’s how human relationships start out.

I’m writing this, not because I’m presently mad, but because I’m relating to words in a rap song by, a somebody: Eminem. I’m nobody, minding his own business. They blame Eminem for being mean or aggressive with lyrics. But in my “situation” and adult years, I see a guy talking about dealings with human nature, while trying to fix things with his wife, and do everything he can for his daughter. Ive said before, anger can be a source of fuel for ur goals or to get a point across. I mean, under this retarded “make him a role model type hero cr*p, for the no culture or no British style class that is America”, the orchestrators like to press my buttons. The extent they go with pushing buttons is -I’m not just saying this- a type of evil that the mind just can’t digest or grasp.  That’s a bit of info my brain cannot process, grasp, or comprehend. There’s something worse than the teenage type sounds projected or whatever it is that others hear- I keep saying that.

But it’s like Gospel, they have eyes, but don’t see, ears: and don’t hear…

the orchestrators you know about, are so arrogant with thinking they control every aspect of my life, they need to consider where they’re not. They push me, and like Eminem’s rap, “push me/tempt me, then I’m lifting you ten feet in the air…”

I went for the path of computer science and engineering instead of being a doctor like my brother. I would joke to people ages ago, “I don’t have the ‘patience’ to deal with ‘patients.’ ” People are so complicated…language difficulties, talking to non native English speakers, cultural differences,filters they have in their heads/biases, stereotypes they believe in- I mean what a headache. The orchestrators have people believing I’m friendless loser, while they actively keep people away from me. But in the words of Eminem, whatever f*ers, “I am whatever you say I am…”

---

In “Gangstas paradise” by Coolio, there’s one part of the song that goes “you don’t know what’s going on in the kitchen…” it’s incredible what speaks to you in ur adult years…cuz clearly I’m thug…I mean even with all the mind cr*p and technology, not because of ego or arrogance or pride, you and the orchestrators don’t know what’s truly going on in my head, in my house, wherever.

Like rap, I am the meaning behind the lyrics.

---

From The original Hulk/1st ever version of the Hulk movie soundtrack, great themes or scores. Also a great song called “set me free”

“Hey Mama” - one of my favorite songs from Nicki Minaj to blast out while driving…

Great Running music - “Confident” - I think by Demi Lovato … another song of hers that I like “Really Don’t Care”: like that part of the song with the words and background music to “even if the stars and moon collide…”

I miss Beyoncé in Destiny’s Child with songs like “Survivor” … I feel it gets the same point across as DMX’s “X is Coming” without some of the questionable ideas in his lyrics…

---

Haiku Asian Bistro in Bronxville lets you eat a quality variety of East Asian food in a New York City feel…about the NYC feel, I dunno, sitting by the window, watching the traffic of people walk by, along with cars, through those windows, in that bar type low light setting: make you feel or made me feel like I’m in a restaurant in the city…going on a 2 month diet as I’m hideously obese, so while I miss and crave sesame chicken with fried rice, I hope you enjoy quality food as such…

Speaking of which…my family and me got used to sesame chicken over general Tsos chicken, when craving Chinese…I feel everyone in America, including my New York and Texas based cousins, always order General Tso Chicken over Sesame Chicken…I mean why?! Who started that trend?! Though essentially the same, I prefer and am an advocate of Sesame Chicken.

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Though I’m obsessed with leaving the AC on all day/everyday because of the cool energizing air and the sound of the breeze type air blow, I recently found that my TaoTronics standing tower fan isn’t a bad alternative. I think I have the TaoTronics desk lamp too. I believe I have their standing tower heater but just didn’t have the motivation or energy to try it out…probably as awesome as the desk light and fan…I’m thinking, from my own experience, TaoTronics, and a lot of Asian made products are good stuff or sourced in great ideas. With some of the products I’ve run into recently, what I’m realizing is this:

China now has some great ideas and products, but sometimes you have to return or exchange those awesome ideas because some things were manufactured differently or as defective. Maybe they don’t have the money for better manufacturing plants…I think people should invest there. I mean they have some great ideas and technology for compression massagers for just about everywhere in your body.

Now proud Americans may not like this, as well as what I’ll say next: with the products I’ve encountered recently, America gives off the feel or notion that everything is manufactured identically and the places where things are manufactured are quality factories…but here’s the part probably not liked: from my searches on Amazon, it would seem America lacks the ideas , or innovation, or imagination, that the Chinese are indicating in their products and technology-I mean check out the head massager helmet from Breo. Helps with falling asleep. It’s from a Chinese manufacturer and looks futuristic and the concept works. My only complaint about it was, I had to go through 4 returns, before getting a helmet that was free of manufacturing defects (i.e. some you couldn’t see thru the helmet, some had a part moving inside when moving the helmet up and down, some overheated on one side of the heated helmet while the opposite side was left cold, etc.). It’s like Doc Browns attitude in Back to the Future. With respect to something not looking like it works, 1950s Doc Brown says “no wonder…it’s made in Japan.” Marty McFly responds, “watiya talking about Doc?!…all the best things are made in Japan.” People may feel like Doc Brown about Chinese products right now, but the hard work and imagination of the Chinese will find themselves in Marty’s way of seeing things. I mean these people, be it Chinese, Korean, all East Asian born Asians, tackle every nook and crannie in their hard work. They need opportunities. Not so sure about the ABC’s or the American born East Asians, but those born in Asia and immigrating here, at least people Ive bumped into (as I’m not gonna generalize), they really give their jobs 110%. (To my fellow ABC’s, by Indian standards, I’m an A-B-C-“D” or American Born Confused Desi, so nothing malicious intended, its just in admiration over our immigrant counterparts. They are the living definitions of the “immigrant work ethic.”). I recently went for a men’s pedicure after seeing Will Smith talk about it on an episode of the fresh prince of bel air. The woman who attended to me was Chinese and I just couldn’t help but notice how much detail and energy she puts into the task. I also once had a Chinese masseuse. I was sore all over and wanted to try the “firm” massage. Ive never experienced so much effort, force, and energy. It makes you want to friend people like that. Pride aside, I think a lot can be learned from their discipline, hard work, imagination, and ideas. 

But a thought…

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So, in my search for non coffee based sources of energy that last long and don’t make you crash, I found things like “Kion Coffee,” Trader Joe’s “Well Rested Tea” (as it turns out Trader Joe’s sells its own interesting varieties of teas), the $4.99 or $3.99 “Rebbl”brand Plant  Based Energy and/or Protein Drinks, and the $2.99 version of Smart Water Renew. Smart Water Renew is composed of dandelions (yeah, freakin’ dandelions give energy!!!) and lemon flavor. But it is ridiculously expensive for one bottle and isn’t available at Shop Rite. I found it at Wegmans in - I think- Harrison, NY, through the InstaCart app. As dandelions seem to be the key, I typed dandelion in the Amazon app, and realize there is a dandelion tea…I hope it gives the same focus as the Smart Water Renew…I mean the tea you can buy in bulk…why are the healthy coffee alternatives expensive?!-I’m assuming it’s because people don’t know about these things and not enough people buy them…

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Perhaps u’ve heard, “Why worry about tomorrow, when each day has its own concerns.” It’s said, look how God clothes the flowers of the field-that not even King Solomon, in all his splendor, was dressed so beautifully. Are we not more than flowers?!, as is asked. My grandmother would say, when career concerns were expressed, that if God made a person with a mouth, He will also give every mouth created, food to eat-to elaborate: everyone is provided for. I mean “Seek and you will find.” Put in some effort, however so, at least through a prayer or a hopeful/positive thought. I believe everyone, in life, gets what they need, for all that their respective lives throw at them.

Some people may have more things in appearance, but you may have less because you’re that much innately stronger and don’t require as much. While I’m no one, as a small example, since I was in Kindergarten, I could never sit comfortably with my legs folded. The position in yoga is called sukhasana. As a need grew, when I was older, to sit in that position for yoga and meditation, I feel life led me to find the “Alexia Meditation seat” and the means to buy that expensive seat, enabling me to sit long hours with my legs folded. I feel, if we have some faith and do our part, God or The Universe, will provide for us and take care of our needs/desires through direct means, or indirectly, by giving us the needed mental faculties and abilities to achieve our desires.

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[purplesurveys]

674

Do you listen to music while you fill out surveys? I have moods where I can and moods where I can’t. But when I do listen to music while taking surveys, I can only ever listen to lo-fi tracks because they’re super chill and great as background sound. Right now is one of the times I have them on.

In the past week, what song have you listened to the most often? I think I’ve mostly been stressed about updates on the virus, so I actually haven’t been listening to any music all week. This is the first time I’ve sat down and let myself listen to my go-to lo-fi playlist.

What was the last thing you shared with someone else? I shared some of my dinner with my dog, if that counts.

While playing video games, do you prefer being first or second player? Second, because I definitely don’t know how to play most video games all that well haha. I’d rather be the second player just cluelessly/aimlessly following around.

What is the most difficult word for you to pronounce? I cannot pronounce ‘bureaucracy’ for the life of me. ‘Mirror’ can also be a bitch but because i watch too much American media, my Filipino ass just goes right ahead and says it as ‘mirr.’

What did you have to do for the last homework you were assigned? The last homework I turned in before the lockdown happened was the weekly article I had to submit for my business reporting class. I gotta say, as a mostly introverted journalism student, I’m SO GLAD there’s been a way out of having to do interviews and produce articles haha. I see you looking out for me for once, universe.

You’ve planned a roadtrip. Where are you going, and who’s coming too? Tagaytay. It’s always a good destination for a chill roadtrip that’s not too far, doesn’t require a full tank of gas, and not too much of a hassle. I’m bringing my college clique with me – JM, Luisa, Jo, Aya, Kate, Kezhia, Blanch – and Gabie, too.

Do you have an overactive imagination? I have little to zero imagination. I mean I guess I like thinking of scenarios, but beyond that me and creativity just don’t mesh well at all.

What was the last important thing that you thought about? That five minutes ago it was time for me to put eye drops on my left eye once again. That eye been working well in the last few weeks, so I had it checked by an opthalmologist, who said there’s most likely a scar somewhere in my eyeball and proceeded to prescribe drops for me.

Generally, do you call people, or wait for them to call you? I would never call people first other than Gabie. Thankfully mostly everyone I know hates calls as well and would never call first, so no one ever calls me either.

On average, how many texts do you send out each day? On a normal day, maybe 50-100 texts? It’s my main mode of communication with my girlfriend, but it also depends on how busy we are during the day.

If a cop pulled you over for speeding, how would you respond? I don’t think speeding is a traffic violation here because 1) the congestion EVERYWHERE is horrible and the traffic is a crawl all day long, and 2) I’ve seen people drive like maniacs on expressways and they never get pulled over for it. On the hypothetical instance that I do get stopped for speeding, I’d obey and apologize for it, and just hope they aren’t rude as fuck.

Has anyone ever questioned your sanity? I have questioned it MANY, many times in the past, mostly when I was in my early teens and still battling with a lot of anger, depression, and a lot of other emotions like I’m guessing most teens do.

How many people do you depend on? As much as I’m not the closest with my parents I do depend on them for basically everything. For now.

How many people do you think depend on you? I dunno if there’s anyone that does. I rather they don’t - I’m pretty unstable.

What is the worst color combination? I’d imagine red and purple to look so jarring.

Have you ever injured yourself walking around in the dark? I don’t think so.

When you get a papercut, how do you react? I thankfully haven’t gotten one in a while, but in the past I’ve usually never noticed the moment it happens, and I only ever find out when the pain hits like a few hours later. That said, I don’t really have a choice but to sigh and grit my teeth through the pain for the next few days.

Can you type without looking down at the keyboard? Yes. The only time I do is when I have to use the keys that aren’t letters, like |, }, and $.

At what age did you develop an interest in the opposite [or same] sex? Opposite sex: Probably literally never. I did attend soirees in high school and got invited to a senior ball – but these were only because I did what I thought a high school girl was supposed to do. I was never genuinely interested in boys. Same sex: I’d say Grade 6, when I had a feeling that I had a crush on Andi.

Are you or members of your family religious? It’s safe to say my entire family – both sides – is devoutly Catholic. They share Bible verses, go to Church, say a prayer before meals, all that crap. I am definitely not. I’ve seen so many people use the religion stuff to justify their being an asshole/hypocrite/both, so it was very for me to let all the bullshit facade go from a young age.

What is your opinion on religions other than your own? They’re valid, especially if it helps one become a better person. Don’t use it to strip others of their human rights, though.

What’s so scary about clowns, anyway? The make-up makes them humans that do not look like humans, and that has always been unsettling for us I think.

When was the last time you acted like someone you’re not? I don’t really do this; I like wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Have you ever wished that something bad would happen to someone else? LMAO yep from time to time.

When was the last time that you cleaned your room? My room is generally clean. My mom likes keeping the entire house tidy, so I just help her out and do my part for her mild OCD.

How many hats do you own/wear? I have one sun hat but it was an impulse buy. I’ve never worn it out because IT’S JUST SO BIG AND FLOPPY and I hate wearing stuff that’s flamboyant enough to give me attention.

What was the last thing that you printed? The aforementioned business news article I had to submit.

Did the last song you listened to hold any special meaning? I love the song, it’s profound and beautifully written but it’s also a particularly sad one, and it’s not one of the songs I’d want to be attached to because that would just make me sad all the time. The song was Hayley Williams’ Leave It Alone.

Are you experiencing problems within a current relationship? No, not at all.

When you’re upset, who do you turn to? Depends on the problem. For most crises I’d turn to Gabie, but sometimes I’d talk to Angela, and sometimes I’d keep to myself. Does winter weather depress you? I’ve never experienced winter. I always say that I have a feeling I’d like it because I like being cold and hot chocolate and wearing socks and feeling fuzzy, but now that I think about it, given how miserable Christmas already makes me, I feel like winter may probably just be the worst thing ever for me.

Who was the last person that you called? Gab, just before she fell asleep a few hours ago.

What product was being advertised on the last commercial you saw? A website for online shopping. It played before a YouTube video.

Do you ever wonder who sings the catchy commercial jingles? I don’t care for them, tbh. When you think about your last relationship, what song comes to mind? I Forget Where We Were by Ben Howard reminds me of my first stint with Gab. Six years ago when we first got together, she introduced the song to me and was being emotional to me about it, and I remember feeling unsettled right off the bat with her sharing such a somber song. I never really got over that feeling and to this day I still listen to it only when I’m sad.

Are there any lyrics to describe your current crush/relationship? Maybe if I wanted to think about it, but I don’t care to right now. <– Same <- Also same. I hate survey questions that make me think of lyrics on the spot.

Who in your life makes you the most uncomfortable? [continued from like a day and a half ago, lmao] My mom has comments and criticisms for everyone and everything, so I always find myself getting anxious around her.

Do you ever receive comments on your weight? That’s literally the greeting of choice in Filipino culture. No one here ever says “hi!” they all just remark how fat or thin you got from the last time they saw you.

Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? There isn’t any one thing that I do. I’ve realized the people around me have different needs for them to be happy, so if I’m able to and if I’m mentally stable myself, I do those things for them.

When you need a temporary escape, what do you do? Open Tumblr and take a survey or two. If I don’t feel like it, I go on YouTube and watch Friends recaps.

What was the last lie that you believed in? If I believed in it I wouldn’t know it was a lie, if that makes sense.

How long did your last feelings of heartbreak last? I stopped actively mourning for Nacho (i.e. crying randomly while in school, listening daily to the playlist I curated to deal with his passing) around two months after he passed, but I would be lying if I said the heartbreak isn’t there anymore. I still think of him every day, and it makes me sad every day.

Is there any sport that you would want to learn to play? Volleyball would be cool to learn.

What band would you most like to meet? Paramore, obviously. Or One Direction, if they still count :((

Do you ever have difficulty opening pill-bottle caps? I mean I’ve never really had to, so I wouldn’t know if I’d find it hard.

Do you gain weight around the holidays? My metabolism’s always been pretty fast so even if I do eat a lot during the holidays, it’s barely noticeable. 

Are you related to anyone famous, or to any historical figure? I’m related to one of the Filipinas who sewed the first Philippine flag; to a historian whose works are now widely used in history courses; and the diplomat who represented the Philippines in the signing of the Treaty of Paris. As a kid I often thought my love for history was rather odd (because no other kid seemed to like it), but now I have a reason to think it has always run in my blood. Today I’m related to a political clan in my maternal grandfather’s home province, but I wouldn’t use ‘famous’ as the word for them.

If it was an option, would you take a trip into outer space? Oh yeah absolutely. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid.

What was the last thing that you wrote down [with a pen/pencil]? I practiced my high school’s penmanship, both because I really do practice it from time to time so I don’t end up being rusty, and because Andrew is dating Leigh, a friend from high school, in the weirdest crossover episode ever, and he is currently invested into learning our script hahaha.

Has anyone told you that you have a nice smile? Sure.

Are you uncomfortable with being photographed? Yeah ugh I hate it, especially when I have to be photographed or posed all by myself.

How vivid are your memories? Very vivid. I have a number of memories from every age, most of which I can remember pretty much as clear as day, from where I was down to the conversations that took place.

What’s the earliest you’ve woken up in the past week? Like 7:30 AM.

How many people have you talked to today? I’m too lazy to count so I’ll just name them: my mom, dad, sister, Gabie, JM, Apple, Hannah, Rick, Reiven, Ed, Kate, Laurice, and Abby. I’m also in Messenger group chats for each class I’m part of this sem, and all day we’ve been talking about how we’ll move forward now that my school has suspended online classes as well, so long story short I’ve talked to a buuuunch of people.

What was the last reason behind why you went to the hospital? Haven’t been in one since I was admitted myself a decade ago for a low platelet count, which we nearly thought was dengue.

When journaling, are you honest when documenting your feelings? Yes, I get super honest in this blog because this is the only place where I can be that way, and that’s why I’m super hesitant to open this up to anyone.

If you have a journal, do you ever worry others might find it? Gab asks me about it every now and then and it innately makes me anxious haha. Outside of her, I don’t think anyone in my circle would ever check for surveys on Tumblr.

When you go camping, do you sleep in a tent or an RV? I’ve never camped before but I think an RV would be convenient.

What’s one ridiculous thing that you do? Before I eat fried chicken, I will always peel off the breading/skin first so I can save it for last. I don’t like the actual meat, so I’ll only eat some of it and give the rest to my dog. My mom has since called the chicken skin portion my ‘finale,’ so I eventually adopted the term as well haha.

Do you feel that you must wear make up to be attractive? No dude. I never wear makeup and I’ve always felt confident, looks-wise.

What was the last thing [other than the keyboard] that you touched? My phone, just now. 

Ever done anything dangerous while driving with someone else in the car? I’ve texted and taken calls whether I’m alone or driving with someone. If I’m running late I’ll also comb my hair with one hand. I’ve done sexual stuff while I was driving also hahahgdjshgfsf but there’s no need to get into that.

Name someone you wish you could be closer with? The newly-inducted members of our org, and the newest applicants as well! Everybody seems like cool people, and it sucks that the virus has prevented us from getting together.

Have you ever played the license plate game on long car-trips? Sure, but we also have other games to entertain us because car trip games can get boring pretty fast.

Are you a secretive person, or are you open with your thoughts? I have secrets but I’m very open about them if they happen to be raised. Like with me, all you have to do is ask haha.

What is the worst question that someone could ask you? Those dumb ones on surveys that ask if I’d rather kill my mom or best friend lol.

Do you talk to your pets? Every single time I see him.

Do you have a least favorite day of the year? Either Christmas or New Year’s Eve. The loneliness is something I wouldn’t wish on anybody.

What traits do you look for in a potential BF/GF? I’m demisexual, so I never really compiled a list of traits.

Would you date someone that had a different religion from you? Only if they didn’t let it get in the way of my atheism. You do you, but don’t drag me to your thanksgivings, rituals, holy texts, etc.

Right now, what’s in your bookbag/backpack? I honestly have no idea. I haven’t looked inside for so long HAHAHA

What’s unique about your city or town? We have an elevated part that we call ‘higher [city name]’ because it’s the part of the city that’s on a mountain and a base that we, understandably, call ‘lower [city name]’. I live in the lower area, which is busier and nearer to the metro. I don’t know of any other city in the Philippines where one half is situated higher and another lower.

If you could say something to the world, what would you say? Don’t panic, don’t hoard basic necessities, and don’t be fucking racist.

[kokiafans]

KOKIAnniversary - the entries!

July 22, 2017 - Happy 41th birthday to KOKIA!

As previously announced, the month of July marks my own KOKIAnniversary. I asked you to share your own stories and KOKIAnniversaries, and below are the submissions you have sent in, in time to celebrate KOKIA’s own birthday!

* Your submission not included? Want to change your submission as yet? Forgot or had no time to enter, but still want to share your story? Please don’t hesitate and let me know. KOKIA’s birthday is of course a very nice occasion to share the love, but I will keep using this tag #KOKIAnniversary for any future entries!

And now without further ado, KOKIA in your own words!

My KOKIAnniversary is April 2009, one month after the release of the KOKIA~AKIKO ~balance~ and the AKIKO~KOKIA albums. “INFINITY” was the song that helped me through becoming homeless and then being left my boyfriend at the time. I continued to be a huge fan, valuing every release with all my heart.

There are so many songs that have come, and every one is paired with a moment in my life. From the last six songs on REAL WORLD, to the peaceful reflection on “Hontou no Oto” and “Mou Ichido…”. Reaching back to beauty of Remember me’s “Sora” or a.i.g.a.k.i.k.o.e.r.u.’s “cocoro”, all the way to the tribal chants on Where to go my love?’s “Hito no Naka ni Aru Mono” and the gratitude of “Ai wa Kodama suru”.

Then there was I found you. When the previews were made available, and I heard the first few seconds of “Ogre to Umarete”, “I Found The Love”, “I Found You”, “Recover”, and I felt the broadest range of emotion I’ve ever felt from music. My favorite song is still “Dear Armstrong”. Hearing it, I sob so deeply for the people I have known, and loved, and miss, because it is true that, for those people I love and have loved to exist, the world is a wonderful place.

Today, I’m as devoted as I ever was, only that I’m more grateful for each KOKIA song because they continue to make me grateful. If the world is made a wonderful place by the people I love and have loved, then the soundtrack is the sound of KOKIA… and it truly is a wonderful world.

- Joshua Peterson, 30, USA

My KokiAnniversary! 10 years ago - after watching a series on tv here in the UK ‘Japanorama’ I google for more. Suddenly it was like an explosion - a girl singing “Remember The Kiss”. Such purity - such intensity! What??? Who??? I couldn’t understand how this amazing voice was confined to Japan. Then a new world opened - she’s big in Europe. Fanatical following, ecstatic reception in Paris. I don’t speak Japanese but I can sing with her in perfect Japanese! So the journey goes forward: from the youthful energy of 'Power Of Smile’, the glorious optimism of 'Pinch Wa Chance’. The heartbreaking depth of 'Time To Say Goodbye’. Now we soar the operatic heights of 'I Believe - Umi no soko cara’ and the independent power of The Voice. Soon after, I’m in New York and visit the site of Ground Zero. Kokia has been there, healing a nation. I am in the same room where she sang with the New York choir! But she’s long gone. Then - she’ll be in concert in Dublin! A brief flight and I meet her! In a world of billions of people how can this be…yet it happens - we can all be together, us fans. Real World brings me to a wider consciousness, then amazingly I hear she’ll perform in London - my home town! Again, how can this be?? In a world of billions there is KOKIA, singing for us, a group of fans in a small room in Islington. Together we all sing 'Remember The Kiss’ word-perfect together. And after, “I met you in Dublin” “Yes, I remember!” In a world of billions how can this be? So we have followed her life together, and now the satisfaction of 'I Found You’, the true love of partnership, marriage, baby Leo. I feel we all got there with her, and we’ll follow, whatever the next step.

-Utameni

[Summer 2004] I had listened 2 The Power of Smile but never given it fully importance until I discovered Uta Ga Chikara album. Just her name vaguely in my memory and the simple album cover... I'm glad I tried it. I was smitten by her.

 - e-hime from @happiikokia

Hi! I’m Eira, I’m 19 years old and I’m from Russia.

This year marks 5 years since I discovered KOKIA’s music.

One day in 2012 I was just randomly surfing the Internet and found one of her songs. I don’t remember very well but if I’m not mistaken it was EXEC_COSMOFLIPS. So that’s how I got into her music. For a couple of years my favorite albums were Musique a la Carte and Fairy Dance ～KOKIA meets Ireland～. Back then I wasn't really much into lyrics but later I started to learn Japanese and realized how beautiful they are. There are a lot of artists I like but KOKIA became so special to me. I know that whenever I feel down I can listen to her music and it never fails to make me feel better. I’ll never be grateful enough for all the support her songs give me. I’d say the most meaningful songs to me are Ano Hi no Watashi ni, bridge, Chiisana Uta, moment ~Ima wo Ikiru~ and many more. I really like KOKIA’s personality and I like to read her blog as well. I wish for her to  always be happy and have many more anniversaries to come.

Eira, 19, Russia

My KOKIA anniversary

最初にKOKIAに出会ったのはYoutubeであるアーティストの色々な作品を検索し、大量の作品をuploadしているユーザーサイトを訪問した時に見しらぬアーティストの作品を発見、興味を持ちその作品を視聴した時である。それは今から思えばKOKIAの調和であった。今まで耳にしたことのない音楽、且つ圧倒的な歌唱力に驚き、それをきっかけにYoutubeにあるKOKIAの様々な曲を検索し、KOKIAというシンガーソングライターが忘れられない存在となった。それがいつの時点であったのかは遠い記憶の中になってしまった。たぶん2009年のある真夜中のことだったと思う。

初KOKIA Concertは2010年4月30日オーチャードホールの音の旅人東京公演だった。

席は３階。ステージから離れていたがその代わりステージ、１階席、２階席と全体が良く見えた。コンサートの終盤やさらにアンコール曲Road to gloryの終了時には１階で始まったスタンディングオベーションが波のように３階まで押し寄せたので私も立ち上がり拍手をした。今から思えばKOKIAファンのそんな行動は本当に珍しいことだった。この時のことは良く覚えている。この日を私が本格的にKOKIAファンになったMy KOKIA anniversaryとしたい。

- ale

July this year marks my 10th KOKIAnniversary. Back in 2007, I was searching for some Japanese music in the early summer. I suspect I was originally looking for Asuca Hayashi, but truth be told, I have no clue anymore, for I was quickly distracted by two other songs that I had accidentally downloaded instead. It turns out I had clicked on KOKIA's 'Arigatou' and 'Shiroi Yuki'. I was immediately taken captive and couldn't stop listening. Maybe this artists had more songs? Some clicks of the mouse later, I'd discovered the album 'trip trip'. That was the start of a decade long (so far!) adoration. KOKIA’s music has been with me ever since, through the highs and lows. I had already decided on studying Japanese language and culture, and KOKIA’s music strengthened that resolve. The album ‘moment’ came out during an especially rough time for me, and it was then that I realized just how much support music could bring.

Not too long after, I started this blog in an attempt to share news about KOKIA with the non-Japanese fans. It’s not always been easy to keep it up to date, but I’ve met amazing people along the way, people whose paths I would never have crossed hadn’t it been for KOKIA’s music connecting us. And so, I want to keep continuing for as long as KOKIA does, hoping her music will bring you as many good things as it has brought me. Here’s to decades more to come!

- Mizumi, 26, the Netherlands

[mfmagazine]

Debby Ryan

Article by Kelli Kickham

Photo by Everette Perry

The life of an 18-year-old girl usually centers around boys, graduating high school and wondering "what next?" For teen star Debby Ryan, things are a little different. You probably know her from her role as Bailey on The Suite Life on Deck, and now she's getting ready for the premiere of her new show Jessie this fall. Ryan's pretty face has graced the covers of many teen magazines. There's plenty more to come from the talented young actress. She's known for her impeccable comedic timing and adorable smile, both of which she carries with an extraordinary level of poise. Rumor also has it that she bakes some pretty amazing pastries and plans to own a jet-pack sometime in the future. So, you may be wondering, "How can I even start to get to know the ins and outs of one of teen America's favorite stars?" Aw, I'm so glad you asked! Trust me, you've come to the right place.

You decided to pursue acting as a full-time career when you were 10 years old. That's a young age to be making any life decisions. Can you remember the thoughts that were going through your head when you made the decision "Yes, this is what I want to do"?

I realized that every amount of work and sacrifice was worth that moment: sitting by a velvet curtain, pulsing with the adrenaline of preparing to get lost in another world, and take people with me. I wanted to use every minute of free time between school, chores, dance, and homework to immerse myself in that realm. I found myself captivated with spending hours studying characters and acting styles, running lines, go to bed early so I could rehearse before school. That, to me, was better than going to the mall, and worth not having free time.

The Suite Life on Deck is all but wrapped up. Are you going to miss your cast mates? Did you make any friends you think you'll keep in touch with?

Of course. I realized I talk to at least one person or another from Suite Life almost every day. When you work with a group of people for 9 to 12 hours for three of some of the most monumental years of your life, it would be pretty hard not to form bonds. You see so many sides of these people, more often than family sometimes. Honestly, the cast and crew of Suite Life was such a diverse collection of people with so many different skills and experiences; I'm very excited to see where everyone goes from here.

So, moving on to the present-day, congratulations! You are starring in the show Jessie where you play the lead role as-- you guessed it-- Jessie. How are you feeling about the new show?

I'm proud- watching this artful machine with my name on it. Disbelief- that I get to come to work everyday and do what I do. Restless- always looking for some way to make it better. Anxious- can't wait to show my fans what I've been pouring my heart into for the last seven months. Developing this project was some of the most fun work I've ever done. Now that we are in production, it's not only meeting, but actually exceeding my exceptions. It already feels like a family, of such talented people. I get to tell such funny stories, on gorgeous sets, in amazing clothes, alongside talented people. What else could I possibly ask for?

Do you relate to your character at all?

Yeah, I mean, one of my favorite things about this role is that I get to play someone who was raised sort of similarly to my own upbringing. Except Jessie is a much cooler version of myself. She's sweetly strong; confident in her strength that she doesn't feel the need to try and prove it all the time. Plus, she's a funny chick. You know, we both babysat growing up and it seems to have really helped prepare us for the roles we've just found ourselves in. Jessie, as the nanny of 4 crazy kids with the world at their fingertips. Myself, at the helm of a young cast who's brand new to the sitcom world. We both grew up around the military world, and family is very important to us. Both Jessie and I have been encouraged from a young age to find our strength, and fight for the things we believe in.

All the Debby Ryan fans out there already know that singing is a huge passion for you. Do you get to do any writing or singing for this new show?

I always loved to write, and express myself through art. As I watched my brother Chase channel his passions into music, my words started to come with rhythms, and melodies. I'm most interested in the writing/producing side of music, but I can't go five minutes without singing or humming something. Plus, sometimes I write a story that I just need to tell in my voice. That's how "Open Eyes" and "Made of Matches" both were, even though they're insanely different...and Yes, I do get to work on and sing the theme song. Plus, we may or may not work some of my hobbies into the show, as well as how the cast and I have been spending our time [jam sessions!] but Disney and I have established that Jessie is not a music show.

When you work on your music, where do you look for inspiration?

I don't look for it. I couldn't. I never want to sit down with the intention of writing a song. That's when it becomes forced and contrived, and not art and expression. A lot of my writing comes from my acting; feeling what others are feeling and telling someone's story. Come to think of it, last night I wrote lyrics from the perspective of someone whose heart I've watched get broken. I see the situation as it is, why he does what he does, where it leaves him, but sometimes you need to blind yourself of the full view. When I look at him, alone by his own hand, and start to feel his cold of loneliness, trying to chase it away with unfulfilling sparks, holding too tightly and smothering the embers, and letting go the second the orange starts to fade, because it's all or nothing in his fairytale mind, and he's so afraid of being left again.. when my heart starts to break for someone, that's where I get the best songs.

Alright, so we know you're a busy girl. Moving from one TV series to another, working on your music career... assuming that you have any time to do anything extra, what do you do with your spare time? Any hobbies or interests that we might not yet know about?

Well lately, I've been obsessed with taking my kids on cast excursions. Glow in the dark mini golf, breakfast, Disneyland, etc. I go to concerts with my friends, download records, make playlists for my friends, and write about these experiences in my music blog, whoisdebbyanyway.tumblr.com.

Do you have any actresses that you look up to? Have you had the chance to talk or work with her/them?

Emma Stone, Tina Fey, Sandra Bullock, Zooey Deschanel...Growing up, I watched a lot of Amanda Bynes. There's something about a girl who can lose themselves in a role, comedy in particular, in such a ridiculous but genuine and earnest way. Smart, professional, directably, and fearless. Also, I totally see Tina Fey's business sense as a road map to my ideal career. I met Emma Stone at a premiere very briefly, and was enamored by her approachability. Some people fake it on screen. She's genuinely relatable, but still inherently cool. Zoe Saldana's that way as well. That's such a cool balance.

What's the most valuable piece of advice you've ever been given (career oriented or otherwise)?

Learn. Always listen. Ask questions. Soak it all up and use everything as a lesson and an opportunity to become better in every area. Also, learn multiple sides of your trade. I never learned certain things as an actor until I sat in the editing room on Suite Life after work, or the writer's room on hiatus, or shadowed a director during other people's scenes.

You're doing great with family-oriented shows on the Disney Channel. Are you hoping to branch into other genres?

I initially wanted to be in independent drama films, but I fell in love with multi-camera sitcom style. The older progression of what I do would be something like The Big Bang Theory or Friends. But I would like to branch into another genre of television: I watch a lot of NCIS, so something like that, or Psych or the Warehouse. That feels like a mini-film, with plenty of drama and splashes of comedy. Also, I've discovered randomly enough how much fun I have with my hosting gigs. As far as films go, ultimately, I'll be kicking butt in a fast paced action adventure.

What would be your dream role?

A sort of rogue modern-day superhero. Lara Croft, James Bond, Hit Girl, Indiana Jones' -hybrid chick. If Emma Stone's character in Zombieland had a setup like Catwoman.

Do you ever have trouble balancing your career and your personal life?

I learned early on that one of the biggest tools you need to be a successful actor is the understanding that you will have to give things up on one side to keep your priorities on the other side. I'm a person first. A daughter, sister, granddaughter, and friend first, and I have to be willing to say no to exciting or important things and keep promises to loved ones at all cost. It's all about balance, and you can never find the perfect one, but you should never ever give up trying.

Ok, you're a talented actress and singer, but let's talk about some things outside of your career!

Okay. I bake some pretty mean gluten-free brownies. ..from a mix, but still.. they're mean.

Do you have any pets?

Yes. My nugget Presley was the best 17th birthday present ever. He's a toy poodle, and totally converted me to a little dog person. I've been wanting a Siberian Husky or a lab, but I saw him and we pretty much fell in love. He's strong and tough and doesn't quite know he's a little dog, and I'm determined to keep it that way. I bought him a spiked collar, and whenever he goes anywhere, he walks or runs on his own four feet. And our family has a sweet older Yorkie named Daisy.

If you were able to be any animal, what would it be? Would you be domesticated (cared for, pet, spoiled) or wild (freedom, fighting, killing-for-your-food)?

Wolf. I'm definitely a pack animal, and I'd rather go hungry than be sustained by something canned and set in front of me.

Do you like to read in your free time?

Yes. I used to read a lot more when I was younger; now, it's more like I collect books with hopes of absorbing them through osmosis. Just began Frannie and Zooey by J.D. Salinger. Salinger's tone is so cool. I'm usually into Shakespeare and C.S. Lewis, where you do a bit more translating of words and concepts, but this book vibes conversationally offbeat. Actually, the book was a gift. On the inside cover, it explains that, with the way I use words, I'm reminiscent of a modern day Salinger.

When it comes to things outside of the acting/music industry, who do you look to for advice or guidance?

My brother, Chase. He's got a great head on his shoulders and doesn't mind telling me the things I don't want hear, in a way where I can receive them.

Let's say you're taking an astronomy class, and as you're looking through the telescope you see a star not in the book. "Wow," your teacher explains-- you've discovered a brand-spanking-new star. What will you call it?

Wow, I'm honored. Go me, with my little telescope...I'd name it 'Galadriel', or 'a UFO'. "Hey look, up there! What's that star?" "Oh, that's 'a UFO'." "NO WAY!" "yes way. Debby discovered 'a UFO', last week. She saw it with her own two eyes." "gnarrllyyyyy!"

Another scenario: The world is being torn apart by a war. It's a war between ninjas and pirates. Which side do you choose?

Ninjas. They're agile and shifty, and I use words only when necessary.

Now you've chosen your side, a regular human name just won't do... what will your alias be?

Redemption.

There are a lot of young girls in the world who feel lost-- be it about family, relationships or what they want to do with their lives. Do you have any words of advice or encouragement?

I don't think you ever fully figure yourself out, because you are always growing and changing. Own that! Find the joy in surprising yourself. Explore the world around you and finding out how you feel about what you see. Try out new hobbies, styles, foods, cultures.. see what sticks. Its natural if you don't know just yet what you stand for, but you need to know what you stand against. Have an anchor so life doesn't toss you around. It's good to have a mentor who has achieved what you want to achieve. They can help you so much and you can learn from their mistakes.