#when I was in my last relationship I always sang that line to my ex when I needed a lighter for a candle or bong or something lol

[persephonescottage]

EXES PAST: Year 3.

Pairing: Billy RussoxFem!Reader.

Summary: Corrupt Benjamin March.

Warning: References to sexual situations, violence, blood, mutilation, trauma, swearing, obsessive thoughts, possessiveness, kidnapping, stalking, manipulation, violence, gaslighting and other triggers I will include as we go along, please only read if you’re 18+.

If any of this warnings trigger you please don’t read.

&

Gift giving, hot cocoa and pine trees everywhere. Billy wasn’t a big fan of the holidays but if it meant he’d see you at the Castle’s Christmas party he was all in.

Even if his baseball team lost and now he had to wear the stupid sweater Karen got him last year.

As soon as he stepped in the Greenwich house he looked for you, the warmth blushing his face, still some snow on the shoulders of his coat from the outside weather.

“I can’t believe you’re here!” Karen said excited jumping to hug him and Billy knew she had a little too much eggnog already. “I thought you wouldn’t come cause of the sweater. Oh my God look at the sweater!”

She points as she rambles to Frank who is next to her and Billy looks down at his outfit. A red sweater with a three dimensional Christmas wreath and a plush reindeer coming out of it. 

He couldn’t even turn sideways safely without knocking someone over with it and God knows he wasn’t gonna let anybody know it sang jingle bells if you pressed the nose.

“I hate you.” He said simply taking his his coat off.

“No you don’t! You love me, that’s why you’re wearing it.” She smiled.

“Well I’m a man of my word.”

“Come on in.” Frank said this time, his lips in a line trying not to giggle “Let’s get you drunk so you’ll let us press the nose.”

As he followed his friends he scanned the room. Karens news paper friends and some old marines popped from the corners of the home but not you.

“She did come.” Frank whispers to him as soon as they reach the kitchen island that’s covered in half drunk bottles and people mingling around. 

“I don’t know who you’re talking about.” Billy smiles in complicity.

“Sure Bill.” Franks sarcasm makes Billy laugh “She’s outside with her boyfriend, he’s a smoker.”

Oh right, the boyfriend. 

Billy had learned his lesson with the lizard king, you would never surprise him with a boyfriend ever again. 

Keeping tabs on you was complicated, you were a social butterfly but thankfully he had a never drying fountain of gossip in Karen and he’d often got Frank to grumpily drop tips on you.

He also hacked your phone, email and social media.

Again, you’d never catch him off guard and this was a fun one to crack.

Benjamin March was a well known man around New York. Partner in one of the city’s top legal firms he had made a name for himself with a file of high profile clients. Most of them politics and men of influence.

And he would always win.

Red flag number one.

He married a former Miss North Carolina whom he divorced about a year before and who he left practically on the streets alleging a horribly balanced prenup.

Poor girl, at least she was pretty.

Red flag number two.

Late night at his office after ANVIL was completely empty a few nights before Billy tried to convince himself he’d only intervene in your relationship if Benjamin March had all three strikes against him.

As if he really needed a single reason to murder a man just to get you all to himself.

Luckily for Billy he found the third strike, and it was a big one. The big kahuna of dirt he had now saved in a usb drive that was burning his pants pocket.

He couldn’t wait.

His hands vibrating with anticipation when you walked inside all by yourself, taking a shot Karen offered you on sight.

“Nice sweater Bill.” You press your lips together trying not to laugh and he smiles at you.

It’s all he can do.

“Merry Christmas angel. Not following the rules I see.” He says pointing at your outfit. “We agreed, no mini skirts. They make me nervous and you know it.”

“Well we also said no cozy looking sweaters.” You can’t hide the laugh after the sarcastic comment.

“If this makes you horny you have some serious issues.” 

His laugh is interrupted by a man about a foot taller than you. His arm twisting around your torso in a possessive way.

There’s a fruity smell lingering from him and Billy wants to puke. 

This man vapes?

As if he needed a fourth red flag, he thinks.

Billy introduces himself, a proud smirk on his face when Benjamin admits he already knows who he is, reassuring his status.

It takes a while before Karen pulls you to her, the motion lifting your skirt a little too much for Billy’s sanity and then you disappear with the blonde off to meet some of her friends.

It even feels orchestrated when somehow he is left alone in the kitchen with Benjamin March, the closes person holding their drunken state on a column of the dining room.

But Billy isn’t worried about Karen’s drunken co-workers and he wastes no time on handling the lawyer the usb from his pocket, releasing the speech of accusations he had prepared.

It’s not surprising when the man doesn’t deny Billy’s accusations.

Benjamin March had been helping elite men get away with fraud, murder and other crimes that made Billy’s stomach turn.

But he didn’t look remotely sorry.

Maybe a little sorry he had been caught when Billy hands him the incriminating proof, it’s all there, pictures, documents and audios, served in a silver platter that can lock the lawyer up for a long time.

Billy isn’t sure he’d ever been more offended than when Benjamin offers him money for his silence.

As if he wanted his disgusting money.

“What do you want then?” Benjamin seems more annoyed than worried.

“I want you to break up with her.”

“Fuck man! You went through all this trouble for some pussy?” He mocks. 

He has no idea.

“You got a deal. She’s all yours.”

He agrees without even thinking twice and Billy wants to break his jaw for talking about you as something so disposable.

They fine tune the details and Billy wishes to tell him he has no interest in pursuing his downfall after he breaks up with you.  Then he’ll become just another corrupt lawyer in New York City and he couldn’t care less.

And when March finally decides to leave he makes sure he makes himself even more punchable.

“Hit me up if you ever need a lawyer.” 

&

“Maybe you should have some water angel.”

Did he tell Benjamin March to break up with you?

Yeah.

Did he tell him to do it right now at this very party in front of other people?

No!

For a lawyer he had no common sense and now Billy had a very drunk girl half crying half laughing on the Castle’s couch.

He eyed you quickly, trying to miss the way your legs shine under the low lights of the home when the red skirt you wore rises up.

He couldn’t tonight. You were drunk and sad and he didn’t want you like this but you seemed determined to get him though.

“Man I really was smart with the no sweater rule. You look so cute!” 

He looks down at the cursed sweater wanting to laugh with you, but you don’t, you seem serious about it.

You’re holding what seems to be your tenth shot of tequila and giving him those flirty eyes he often saw in his head during his jerk off sessions.

There’s barely anyone left at the party and it would be so easy to get you in one of the rooms and lift that tiny scrap off fabric you call an outfit.

Stop.

There’s a big red stop sign going on loop in his head, not only was this his best friends home, your cheeks were bright pink from the intoxication and life was so unfair to him.

The one time you wanna fuck it’s because you’re drunk.

“We should get you home angel.”

He didn’t need to say it twice and you hold yourself clumsily up the couch using a sleeping Karen as a prop while Billy grabs your coat.

“Can you stay with me tonight Bill? Please I don’t want to be alone.”

He’s doing his best to be good, helping you put on your coat and your voice is so tiny and cute as you beg him standing by the Castle’s front door.

Again, life was so unfair.

He nods immediately anyway, his body betraying his reason and before he knows it he’s driving towards your apartment.

He has to help you walk into the elevator when you arrive since even in the state you are you refuse to take your heels off and something tells him you’re not as drunk as you pretend to be when you hold on to his bicep, resting your face of his chest in the elevator saying you’re dizzy.

As soon as you enter your home you disappear down a hallway and Billy looks around. It smells powdery and sweet just like you and he wants to fuck you on your pink couch.

But he won’t.

Instead he marches to your kitchen, opening the fridge to gather ingredients for a sandwich the he offers you as soon as you walk back out of your room wearing tiny cream short pajamas with polka dots on them.

“Aren’t you coming to bed?”

Your voice sounds innocent but he knows better. You’re gonna be the death of him.

“Here, eat this.” He ignores your request handing you the plate “It’ll help your stomach after all that tequila.”

“But I’m not hungry!” 

“I didn’t ask. Eat.” 

He barks a command as he would one of his soldiers even when he knows he has no power here. 

Not after you sit on the counter of the kitchen, your legs slightly spread and a force of gravity pushes him to walk in between them. 

You’re taking your time to chew and you look tired but the bread seems to be absorbing the alcohol just fine.

“I just don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“Why boys keep breaking up with me. No one takes me seriously, no one wants me. I’m good enough to fuck but not enough to be a girlfriend.”

Billy can feel his heart shrinking with your statement and he wishes he could tell you that they do want you. All of them do. In fact he had to use violence and threats to get rid of a couple already.

But he gives you a warm smile instead, using his fingertips to put some of your hair behind your ear.

“Maybe you should stop dating assholes.”

That didn’t come out as comforting as he wanted to and you sigh and use your forearm to move him from that sacred place between your thighs, getting off the counter.

He tried his best to ignore the jiggle of your curves as you do but he can feel the zipper of his pants tightening.

“I can’t finish it” you say, a yawn escaping your mouth.

“Fine.” Billy sighs, taking the half eaten sandwich from your fingers “But have some more water.”

“Hey, I didn't mean to force you to stay with me tonight, I’m sorry. Thank you for driving me but you can go if you want.”

‘Leave dickhead’ his head screams ‘It’s time for you to leave’

“I can stay a while.”

The voice in Billy’s head throws it’s hands in the air in exasperation.

“Okay.” Your reply is a whisper but there’s a small smile on your lips.

Billy wishes he had kept the moment cute, but he can’t help his gaze to skim over your body, the outline of your nipples through the tiny cotton top. You adjust the strap on it and Billy looks away, afraid you caught him staring. 

“I know this is stupid but I like having you here.” You admit toying with your own fingers in a nervous state “I feel safe.”

Billy knows you mean it as a compliment but the sudden image of all the dangers of the city surrounding you made him anxious. Did you not feel safe when you were alone?

“How long have you been living by yourself?”

“A while. Since Karen moved out.”

That’s a long time. Too long.

You turn to walk towards what seems to be your bedroom and he makes sure he leaves a space between your bodies. He��s not sure if he does it so you know he won’t be creepy tonight or because he wants to watch your ass jiggle with each step.

He wants you to sit on his face.

But you’ve been drinking. You’re not falling down drunk but you’re still drunk.

“Billy?” You call to him from inside the bedroom.

Maybe a little make out session wouldn’t be the end of the world, he thinks. 

But that’s it.

There’s a rustling of fabric as he steps into the room and sees you crawl into bed. The sight of you shimmying into the blankets, hair spread on the pillow, waiting for him steals his breath.

He can feel your gaze burning into him and Billy has a sudden urge to flex his muscles, to show off, that until he figures you’re actually staring at his sweater.

Damn that singing reindeer.

“I’ll take it off.” He laughs.

“I actually like it.”

You’re on the right side of the bed, lying on your side facing him. Leaving a space in your bed for him.

“Would you stay for a while longer?” You ask.

“Sure angel.” 

“Sorry, you don’t have to, it was dumb of me to ask. I can walk you out if you’d like to go.”

“No, I’d like to stay. I can’t stay the whole night but I’ll stay a little more.”

Billy doesn’t elaborate why, because the why is simply that he won’t be able to control himself sleeping next to your soft body. If he was still there in the morning there was zero chance he wouldn’t fuck you.

“You should rest a little then, before you drive home.”

Your hand is touching the spot next to you on the mattress and Billy gulps.

“You worried about me angel?”

“I’m worried about the other drivers. I’ve seen you drive.”

Your laugh fills the dim light room and it seems to make it easier for him to get closer to the bed, sinking his knee on the soft surface.

“Sorry I don’t have anything your size to put on.”

“Put on?”

“To get comfy. Like pajamas.”

He nods like it was obvious what she meant, but why had his brain gone straight to condoms?

“I suppose you could just… take your pants off.”

Yes.

Yes he could do that.

His body is fighting a battle of mind against dick and he waits for his conscience to win. To tell him to keep his pants on and to walk out the front door, but it never does.

Pants off it is then.

And that god awful sweater while he’s at it.

Standing there in your bedroom in his white under t-shirt and blue briefs Billy realized he’d take whatever punishment the universe threw his way for getting in bed with you in that state, even if you just slept next to him.

He was going to hell anyway.

[wherewhereare]

Part of the allure of No Doubt frontwoman Gwen Stefani – aside from her signature platinum locks and red lips, trendsetting fashion sense and smokin’ hot bod – has been her ability to share the rawest of emotions within her songwriting.

During No Doubt’s main stage-closing set at night one of the inaugural Kaaboo Del Mar, the last of only six performances the band had scheduled in 2015, Stefani let it all spill out on stage. She modified lyrics to familiar songs to seemingly mirror her current relationship status since news broke just over a month ago that after 13 years of marriage and three children, she and Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale were divorcing.

Though some of that former undeniable chemistry among members on stage was noticeably absent, “the guys” as Stefani referred to them, bassist Tony Kanal, drummer Adrian Young, guitarist Tom Dumont and longtime touring members Gabrial McNair and Stephen Bradley, backed their girl while sounding as solid as ever.

No Doubt drew the largest crowd of the day, luring people closer to the massive stage with the dancey vibe of “Hella Good” and its upbeat cover of Talk Talk’s “It’s My Life.” By the third song, “Underneath it All,” off of 2001’s “Rock Steady,” Stefani was wearing her heart on her sleeve, changing up the lyric “And when it’s really bad / I guess it’s not that bad” to “It’s really (bleepin’) bad.”

She kept her composure, but continued to launch the verbal torpedoes. “Simple Kind of Life,” a song which she noted “… is one of my favorite songs I wrote in my whole life,” got the acoustic treatment and yet another lyric change up after she sang the line “If we met tomorrow for the very first time/ Would it start all over again? / Would I try to make you mine?” she quipped “I don’t think so.”

“Bathwater” is where it got a bit awkward as she went off, asking herself why “good girls like me” always fall for the bad boys that are “stinky … pathetic … narcissistic” all of which seemed like some pretty strong jabs aimed directly at her soon-to-be ex husband.

After “Excuse Me Mr.” and “Sunday Morning,” the first two offerings in the set off 1995’s “Tragic Kingdom,” an album pretty much completely about Stefani’s break-up with Kanal, she said that it was weird that most of those tracks had suddenly now taken on an entirely new meaning. Kanal is probably slightly relieved by that since the heartbreak and rage are no longer directed solely at him.

The band also offered up a few cuts it hadn’t included in its sets for years from its breakthrough album including “Happy Now?” and “End it on This,” which seemed fitting for this evening since this could very well be the last time No Doubt performs together in a very long while since Stefani is deep in the process of working on her third solo album.

Of course the band didn’t leave out “Don’t Speak,” which the audience passionately roared along to, and “Just a Girl” had Stefani climbing high up onto the scaffolding, flawlessly belting out every last note before doing a pretty epic mic drop.

At the start of the encore Kanal thanked No Doubt’s crew and the fans before dedicating a cover of the Skatalites “Guns of Navarone” to reggae-ska artist Rico Rodriguez, who passed away at the age of 80 on Sept. 4. No Doubt closed its set with the title track off its latest album, 2012’s “Push and Shove,” and brought the energy back up, officially ending the night with a fiery version of “Spiderwebs.”

[littlequeen7]

I have barely any followers so I dont expect anybody to see this. But if there is any place to talk about my love for Taylor, it is here.

I've had a few people ask me why I love Taylor Swift so much. I understand why they ask, and why I might get weird looks, parasocial relationships and whatnot. But what they don't understand and what I have a hard time communicating is that Taylor is more than just music to me.

We grew up together. I'm five and a half years younger than her, so she completely shaped my adolescence. When Debut came out I was just starting the 6th grade, the grade when I learned some harsh lessons about bullying and friendships.

Fearless came out in the middle of 8th grade, the worst year of my life. That album was a comfort to me when everything else seemed hopeless. I had cut-outs from J-14 magazine plastered on my walls, of Taylor and the Jonas Brothers. I tried to convince my teacher that we should sing Fifteen at our 8th grade graduation (I lost that one).

Speak Now came out when I was 15, and I listened to that album until every word was ingrained in my brain. My older cousin bought us tickets to her Speak Now tour for my birthday, and she was my first ever big concert. We drew 13's on the back of our hands and screamed along with her while she sang Mean barefoot, while she hit giant bells during Haunted (my favorite song at the time), while she floated over the crowd on her balcony in her Love Story outfit right in front of us, close enough I thought if I reached out I could touch her. I don't remember which cover she sang, but she did it in her purple dress, with sharpie scrawled across her arms. I took so many blurry and grainy photos of her that day. Speak Now will always have a very special place in my heart.

Red came out when I was 17. I learned through one of her diary entries that she had actually written the song Red on the flight home from our concert. To think that I saw her not even 24 hours before she wrote one of the most iconic songs of her career was mind blowing. I was dating now, so all of the songs about relationships became relatable for the first time. I knew from the moment I heard it that All Too Well was the best song of her career, and I have some obnoxious Facebook posts to prove it. The Last Time became one of my favorite songs she had ever made. Flash forward 5 years and I was posting 22 on my Facebook the minute it hit midnight. (Yes, Facebook. I'm old and uncool, we've established that already.)

1989 came out the year after I graduated high school. I was on my own for the first time, completely unprepared and immature, with a toxic partner who I ended up staying with for 5 years. I still have distinct memories of riding the bus past the WWU campus on my way to work, blasting the album in my headphones. I was in my semi-popular Lana Del Rey Tumblr days then, and you best believe I was making gifsets of the Blank Space music video. These were also the years when I sank into my deepest depression. 1989 was a bright light in that darkness.

Reputation came out when I was actually 22, right after leaving the five year relationship, and leaving everything I owned behind me or in storage, while my ex took my two beloved cats. This was my revenge era, my short lived "hoe phase" if you will. I remember listening to it for the first time in the car with my mom while driving to Seattle. I remember listening to it in the kitchen with my then 11 year old sister, and her saying "well that's inappropriate" during one of the songs (probably Dress). I was a little too harsh when I said, "well she's a grown adult, shes writing for herself, not writing for kids." What a brat. I specifically remember one Tumblr post from a fan that went to the Secret Sessions, of her gasping and saying "Taylor!" in a scandalized way during one of the songs (my guess is, again, Dress) and Taylor replying something along the lines of "I know, right!" To this day, Reputation is the album I have the most fun listening to, and the one I blast the loudest in the car.

Lover came out when I was 24, living in a small room without a door in my Grandma's house that doubled as her office. This was the no privacy era and it did NOT slay. This was also the era that I was in love with someone I shouldn't have been (you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes). Every love song on that album was dedicated to him. False God became a new favorite. This was the time right before it all fell apart, when the entire world shut down and I hurt people and was hurt myself (again, stupid prizes).

Folklore came out in the midst of being completely isolated from the world, except being dropped off at work every day and trying to go to college online. The beginning of my severe and debilitating germaphobia. The constant fear that I would catch COVID from my irresponsible coworkers. Not to mention, my heart was ripped open because I was August, and she was Betty. This album, I think, is the one where I couldn't deny the similarities to my own situation. It felt like it was meant for me, in that moment. Seven was for the little me that died when I was young. This Is Me Trying was a letter to my loved ones, when I couldn't explain that my brain was actively trying to kill me. I've only listened to Hoax twice, because that one is the most painful. I was the epitome of "I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want, just not home."

Evermore, bless it's heart, came out of nowhere and was an amazing surprise. That being said (Ryan Bergara voice), Tolerate It, Happiness, Ivy, Long Story Short, Closure, Evermore and Right Where You Left Me were a twist in the knife of a trauma that wouldn't leave me, no matter how hard I tried. I was out on my own, truly alone, for the first time in my life. And I was terrified that, like Taylor said, this pain would be forevermore.

The re-records were amazing. I was so proud of Taylor for sticking up for herself and challenging the leeches that had gotten rich off of her talent. The moment she hinted at the 10 minute version on social media, I flipped my shit. Again, I have Facebook posts to prove it lol. I memorized the new verses in a day, I listened to it on repeat for weeks. I was staying at an airbnb the day Red TV came out, and I spent that night dancing around the kitchen with my headphones on.

And now... Midnights. I'm 27 now, and by this point I've lived a thousand different lifetimes. I listened to it in my dorm room alone, with my headphones on the second it was released. And then for good measure, I listened to it again the second the 3 AM version came out. I always need the second listen, to really soak up and understand an album. I made a bracket tournament thingie of all of the songs, and at first Vigilante Shit won, but after a couple more listens, Karma replaced it in the top spot. I listened to this album so much, on repeat constantly, that even though it was released in October, every single song made it to my Spotify Wrapped (not to mention the fact that I was in the top 2% of TS listeners). I was lucky enough to score tickets to the Era's tour, after much anxiety and freaking out from crashing websites and delayed sales. I screamed as soon as it was confirmed. Things have been rough, especially in the last month or so. One of the only things keeping me hopeful is the fact that in 4 months, I will get to see one of my favorite people in concert again.

That's not to mention the merch over the years. A Speak Now Tour shirt, notebooks and posters with Taylor's face on them, two signed CD's, a Red cardigan, a "fuck the patriarchy" keychain, The Scarf, and a few (not as many as I'd like) vinyls. I'm still pissed that my 1989 CD with the polaroids is lost somewhere in my storage unit.

At this point, if anyone is reading this, which I doubt they will, and especially if they have read this far (I'm sorry this post turned into a monster), they're probably thinking that I am a weirdly obsessed fan. Someone who thinks that someone they've never met in person is their BFF. I don't think I'm either of those things, but Taylor Swift has, and always will be a comfort to me. Especially as a neurodivergent person, having just ONE person who has been consistent for most of my life, someone who I can look up to and learn from, music I can listen to and immediately be comforted, is essential. At this point, now that I really think about it, Taylor Swift really is one of my special interests, and she has been long before I even knew that special interests were a thing (late diagnosed).

On top of all of this, she is just a genuinely good and kind person. You don't see that super often, in this cut throat industry. She is someone to look up to, even if Dear Reader says otherwise.

I've been writing this for about half an hour, and my phone is shaking from holding it above my head while I lay in bed and type. If literally anyone gets this far in the post, thanks for reading my weird diary entry I guess lol. Above all else, this is really a love letter to Taylor. Thank you for being there for me through it all.

[abitofangel]

January 2014

I was happy for once. After December 28 and January 1, my life was peaceful and filled with happiness, but being me, happiness is always short lived.

I called up my crush, let’s hide him under the name, Jasper, excitedly. I was so eager to talk to him, and tell him how much I enjoyed December 28. When he picked up my call he asked why I was calling in a tone as if it was the first time we talked. To cut the long story short, he had a case of selective amnesia. He forgot me, everything we talked about, every “date” we went on. poof gone. It made me heartbroken. One day he talks about the possibility of us being in a relationship then the next, he doesn’t even remember his pet name for me. Ouch right? But that’s not the worst part, noooooo, he makes friends with his ex acting like they were good friends after all the terrible things he did to her. Ugh. I guess, it’s better now. For him at least, but him forgetting who I was, pushed me a little to my suicidal line.

I felt so miserable that I got sick. I didn’t have the energy to study, listen to my peers, or even to play games. I just wanted to lie down on my bed and sleep everything away. My birthday was coming up in 3 weeks and I didn’t feel any sort of excitement for it. I talked to my friend, let’s hide him under the name Matt, about my problems, about how my past was haunting me again, about how I wanted to kill myself. I was so near to it too but then that in the latter of my story. I made a mistake of telling him because it made him sympathetic and he took pity on me and said that he liked me. Now this guy admitted to me once before that he did like me, but my suicidal tendencies made him to believe that he was in love with me. Which he wasn’t. Let’s just say that I made several mistakes in a short span of a week, I drank and did things that I knew was wrong, and everything went spiraling down a tube and within the same week, he left. I felt used. So my suicide seemed more appropriate.

Turns out another guy friend of mine, Jacob, not his real name, admitted as well that he was in love with me. Like I would believe him right? So for one week he continuously texted me, while I gave him the cold shoulder. But then my birthday was coming up in a week and texted something so sweet that my heart melted right into his hands. And there I was again! Hooked on to a guy. I made efforts of going to his school in Las Pinas and I came all the way from Manila and then I would go home to Bicutan. If you know those areas you would see how my effort was. On top of it all, I sprained my ankle while walking in my campus. Yup, I am a first class klutz. But even through that injury I still gave my effort to see him because I feel in love. Hard. He gave me his first kiss. But after his intrams, he left me as well. I was reaching my point of no return, yet with every week that passed, I kept clinging on to something that everything will turn out for the best.

Well, the day came. January 23, 2014. It was a Thursday. I hated it. My friends kept saying that it seemed like I resented my birthday. Well, somehow I did because if I hadn’t been born in the first place then I wouldn’t have to be living this life. The day went on as usual. Morning class, lunch, PE, then we attended youth service at Victory U-belt. During worship, I just poured my heart out. I cried like there was no tomorrow. I felt better. Then my friends surprised me with a cupcake which one of them ate. You would think, “What a jerk!” but hey I was feeling better even though he ate it. Yeah sure I was pissed, but I was quick to forgive. Suddenly from the distance, my best friend came out with a mocha roll cake. It was an awesome surprise. It was a first for me and hopefully not the last. I gave some of my friend a mocha icing facial and we had our fun. When I got home, my father bought me a cake too. My grandfather sang me happy birthday and I felt really better. My thoughts of suicide were brushed away again and I prayed that they would never come back again.

[ziracona]

I just realized Friday is the end of CexGF and I am not ready. I’m so invested in seeing these people be happy and I truly believe Greg is the only man who has every /truly/ loved her. In the put-others-first, long-term, no infatuation, no riding on feelings, forgiving, friendship-based, truly, honestly, selflessly loves kind of way. I just really, really want them to be together and happy

[rosicheeks]

Changed the background for you and that’s a great one! We could do that or light my candle!

[almatiarau]

Intertwined - Chapter 3

Pairing: Idol!Jungkook x Reader

Genre: fluff, (eventual) smut, angst? Slice of life, age gap (reader is older than JK), Idol!AU

Rating: M (18+)

Warnings: Descriptive sexual activities, penetrative sex (minors please don’t read!) 

Word Count: 5.7k

Disclaimers: I don’t own BTS - they simply inspire me! This is a pure fiction and none of the content in this is reflecting on how the members are in real life. Please be wise.

Summary: Jungkook is a superstar, y/n is a divorcee, two unlikeable worlds colliding with the love of music and deep talk, but life is not always a fairytale right?

A/N: Hi guys, so this chapter will contain a sex scene so please beware for those under the age of 18 I strongly suggest not to read this okay? Otherwise please have fun!! and also I hope you guys enjoy the story! Happy reading!

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Y/N POV 

These past 3 weeks had been surreal. Jungkook and I had been constantly talking, by text, by phone. One day it’s just a simple text of asking how we are doing that day, and some days it was intense discussion on many things. Mostly topics I was discussing on air. He’d been listening to most of my broadcast, and afterwards, he’d text or call me to share his own thoughts. A few times I also shared with him some stories my listeners had sent me via emails.

 “It’s still feels weird to me how you are so fascinated on these stories.” I stared at my room’s ceiling, shadows of the tree’s rustling from outside outlines. My phone illuminating from the pillow, just beside my head. I put the call on speaker.

 “I don’t know, maybe because I can’t experience much in terms of socializing I guess.” Jungkook replied. “I don’t think I’ll be able to experience half of these people are facing in my lifetime.” I could sense just a hint of sadness in his voice. It breaks my heart.

 “Hey, don’t say that, you’re so young, you still have many years to live life to the fullest.” I tried cheering him up.

 He chuckled lightly. “Now I’ll sound like ungrateful brat, but I do miss living a normal life sometimes. Getting into the crowded subway in rush hour, dancing with others while watching my favourite band performs, lining up and getting excited for a new ride at Disneyland, going out for a movie date…” His voice trailing into the last sentence.

 “I’m sorry Jungkook, I can’t imagine how it feels… I don’t care about the ungrateful part; hardship is hardship whenever you’re going through it.”

 It was silence for a while. I felt like we are contemplating in our own deep thoughts, but we knew that we were not finished talking yet. My current favourite song playing softly in the background. Keshi’s Less Of You. Since Ae Ra is currently with Seo Jun, I could put on a song to accompany me at night.

 “When you come home… I just got over being less of you…” Jungkook sang along with the chorus. Oh to have him singing like this I felt like I could just go to sleep peacefully. One of the things I have been struggling with. Sleep for 8 hours straight without anything weighing on my mind.

 “Hey.”

 I woke up from my thoughts. “Hey.”

 “Do you have any plans tomorrow night?” He asked. “There’s no Heal and Chill’s schedule right?”

 “Yup, I only have to work at the café until around 6PM.”

 “Ae Ra is with your ex?”

 “Yes, I’ll pick her up the day after tomorrow. Why?” I tried to hold back my curiosity. Part of me wishing I could see him again, but another part of me wished that I don’t. It’s hard enough reminding myself everyday that whatever this is, should not, or would not go beyond friendship, brother-sister type of relationship. He’s Jeon Jungkook, why would he be with me out of thousands, or millions younger beautiful girls out there.

 “Let me cook you something. You’ve been telling me how you wanted to just chill, listening to some music, eat good food. I don’t think I can take you out right now, so how about I’ll cook you dinner at my apartment and we can listen to music and just talk?”

 My heart beats so loud I’m afraid he could hear through the phone. “Uhm, okay, will Jimin be okay with me coming over?”

 Jungkook cleared his throat. “He’ll be going back to Busan tomorrow to see his parents.”

 I put my left hand over my chest, hoping it will calm my beating heart. Please don’t get too excited heart, this is not what you think it is, it will never be.

 “Okay.” I said. Hopeful that he didn’t hear my nervousness.

 “I’ll pick you up at your house 7PM, is that okay?”

 “Sounds great.” I glanced at my clock on the wall. It’s 1AM already. “Jungkook, I think I need to go to bed now, I have to get up early for tomorrow.”

 “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night, Y/N.”

 “Good night, Kook.”

 He chuckled. “I like that.”

 “Like what?” I asked curiously.

 “When you call me Kook.”

 JK POV

 The clock turned 7:00 sharp when I arrived in front of Y/N’s house. Thank God today’s schedule finished just in time with no delay. We were shooting for our variety show and most of the time it wouldn’t be finished on time. However, today’s everything went smoothly. I remembered Seokjin asked me earlier why I was such in a rush after we finished the shoot.

 “Jungkook-ah, where are you going? Lets get samgyeopsal for dinner.”

 “Sorry hyung I have somewhere to go.” I put my notes and Bluetooth headphone inside my backpack and rushed out of the studio, leaving Seokjin and Taehyung in puzzled face.

 I got out of my thoughts when I heard someone knocked on the car’s window. It’s Y/N wearing a beret and a mask. I could see her eyes twinkling. I gestured her to back up a little as I’m opening my car door.

 “Hey.” She said. “You’re deep in thoughts.”

 “Hey, sorry.” I scratched head in the back while grinning sheepishly behind my mask. I looked at her carrying a groceries bag. “What do you have there?” As I moved forward and took the bag from her right hand.

 “Since you said you’ll make me dinner, I’ll make you a chocolate pannacota for dessert.” She answered while she made her way to the passenger seat.

 My eyes light up on the word dessert. “I’d love that!”

 Y/N POV

 I don’t know what to expect from a bachelor pad of two young successful artist like Jeon Jungkook & Park Jimin. A modern sleek all black interior? Over the top arts displaying aggressively? A pet tiger? But the moment he let me in their apartment, all those thoughts went away.

 It was quite the opposite. It was sleek alright, but it’s mostly in white and creamy beige colors, hints of woods here and there adding warmth into the space. A large crème leather sofa took most of the space in the living room, facing a very big flatscreen TV. I noticed some gaming consoles on the TV drawer. A fluffy brown faux fur carpet decorating the space underneath the coffee table. On the right side, the kitchen set was mostly white sleek cabinets and kitchen island, with greyish marble countertop. I could see also some plants here and there, tying up the cozy feeling of the place.

 Jungkook clicked on a monitor display besides the entrance door and I could hear music started playing. I looked around the ceiling trying to pinpoint where the speakers are.

 “It came from the speaker near the TV, the first thing I bought when moving into this place is the sound system.” He answered my unspoken question. I let out a small laugh and turned to him.

 “As I said, I could not live without music, and good music needs to be heard with the best quality.”  He winked.

 The next 30 minutes we spent in the kitchen. Jungkook was busy going back and forth between his ipad and the stove to ensure the recipes is correct while making us a budae jjigae. While I’m also keeping busy preparing my chocolate pannacota.

 As I set few glass cups of pannacota into the fridge. Jungkook also had finished preparing the meal and set down two bowls of rice on the dinner table.

 “Y/N, the meal’s ready, let’s eat.” He took of his apron and pulled out a chair, motioning me to sit down. He then sat down at the next chair.

 “I hope this tastes okay, I have made this several times for the members and always get the compliments.” He smiled sheepishly.

 “This smells amazing! I’m sure it’ll taste the same as it smells.” I grinned widely and took his bowl to fill it with the soup. He looked a bit surprised.

 “Why the surprise face Kook?” I tried to fill out his bowl with as many toppings as I could.

 “Nah it’s just I’m usually the one filling out the bowls for all the members since I’m the youngest.” He took the bowl I handed to him and mouthed a Thank You.

 We enjoyed the meal thoroughly, it was really good and fulfilling, keeping our tummies warm. I stood up and started gathering our used bowls and chopsticks when Jungkook’s hand held my wrist. “Hey, you’re the guest, just sit down there on the sofa and I’ll join you in a while.”

 I smiled at him and shook my head. “No, you’ve cooked me the meal, let me put this in the kitchen sink. You sit down on the couch and I’ll bring the dessert. I insist.” I emphasized my last sentence with a determined look and he gave up.

 A few minutes later I brought the two cups of pannacota and walked into the living room. I saw Jungkook sat there adjusting the volume of the sound system on his remote. Dhruv’s Double Take started to play.

 Jungkook looked up at me and patted the space besides him, gesturing me to sit down. I plopped down beside him and handed him one of the glass cup. He smiled widely and started digging in.

 “Have I told you I love dessert too much for my own good?” He flashed his bunny smile. “And this is so good.”

 I chuckled. “Thanks, it’s so easy, I’ll make you more if you like it that much.”

 “Oh but then the hour I have to pay at the gym for this.” He whined.

 “Come on Kook, you already look so good, don’t push yourself too hard.”

 He softly smiled. “Yeah it’s just sometimes I feel like a responsibility to keep up the image. Everyone had been saying the same thing, that I’m just overthinking it.”

 “Well I can understand what you’re saying though, my ex had been telling me how I’m my biggest critic, that I’m too hard on myself.” I said as I put my empty cup on the coffee table.

 Jungkook also placed his finished cup on the table. He crossed his legs on the sofa and faced me comfortably. Seeing him getting comfortable, I followed him and put my legs up, my arms leaning sideways to the sofa headrest so that we are face to face.

 “How is that?” He asked.

 “Well, I told myself when I split up with Seo Jun, that I wanted to live my life with more fulfillness, I had been working so hard before, putting everyone else’s priority before mine, I was starting to lose my grip.” My eyes drifted at the big window behind Jungkook.

 “I breathed but didn’t feel like living. I felt numb with everyone’s touch on my skin. I didn’t realize who I was anymore when I saw my reflection in the mirror.” I held back a tear that was threatening to roll down my cheeks.

 “I yearned to live. Seo Jun is a nice guy, too nice almost.” I chuckled. “But I yearned for someone to go on an adventure in life, discuss and talk with me, about dreams and hopes. I guess we just like different things.” I sighed.

 Jungkook looked at me with a look I couldn’t describe, a curiosity, but also affections?

 “How different?” He asked.

 “Well, for starters, I wished he’d took me out really.” I smiled. “I love dancing, I love music, maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic, but I have always wanted to slow dance with my partner, but even we didn’t do that at our wedding.” I sniffled.

 Daniel Caesar feat. H.E.R’s Best Part came to play. I smiled weakly and just about to wipe my eyes because I could feel it watering when Jungkook stood up suddenly and stretched out his right arms in front of me.

 “Come on let’s dance.” He gave me a soft smile.

 I took his hand and got up. He asked my eyes for permission as he started to circle my waist. I nodded to him and he pulled me closer. His left hand took my right and put it on his shoulder. My heart beating so hard, I was so afraid to look him in the eyes. He could sense my uncertainty leaned his face forward to whisper in my right ear.

 “Relax. Cry if you want to, or smile if you want to, don’t mind me at all, I’m here for you.”

 With that said I could not hold my tears any longer and sobbed. I leaned my head on his chest and he pulled me in a hug. We swayed a little following the song.

 “You deserve to be happy Y/N. You’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness besides Ae Ra.” He whispered. I nodded weakly. My tears staining Jungkook’s shirt.

 I looked up to him, his eyes softening while his hand trying to wipe the tears from my cheeks. My right hand tried to wipe away the wet spots on his shirt.

 “I’m sorry for being such a mess.” I sniffled.

 He smiled softly. “No, you’re human. We are all, and we deserve a good cry from time to time.”

I looked deeply in his eyes and found nothing but sincerity. He’s 7 years younger than I am but never did he acted like one. It must have been hard. He must have had to grow up faster than he should be and it must have left a hole somewhere inside of him.

 I touched his chest lightly. “Jungkook, tell me what pains you.”

 I could feel him stiffening a bit. He must have been taken aback by my words. I searched for answer in his eyes and he lowered his gaze. He stuttered a bit. “Besides the member and my mom, no one had asked me that. And I have never really answer it.”

 To my surprise, he grazed my hair lightly. “I’m so scared of letting people down. I feel like now that I got so many eyes on me, one mistake, one misbehaviour and everything might collapse. It had been so tiring walking on these eggshells.”

 “Me reaching out for you was not a wise idea.” He sighed while I felt my breath a little bit hitched on my throat. I knew this. I should have been the wiser one, but no, I was too mesmerized by him that I threw away all my senses.

 He pulled up my chin so I could look him in the eye. “I gotta be honest, I don’t know yet how to approach this Y/N. I’m struggling inside, I don’t want to disrespect you, yet, I don’t think I can let you just pass by my life.”

 My eyes went wide. What does he mean by disrespecting me? And why does this confuse him if it means we’re just friends.

 “Jungkook I’m sorry, I should have been more aware with your situation and doesn’t complicate this. I tried to pull back from him but I could feel him tightening his embrace on my waist. “I should have been wiser considering I’m older.”

 “Y/N, please… Noona, please…” He put his finger on my lips. “It’s hard enough for me to comprehend this. Even though that means nothing to me. Nothing.”

 I furrowed my eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

 He caressed my left cheek gently. I could feel myself shivering from his touch. I know what he meant but I didn’t want to believe it.

 “Me being younger than you.” He didn’t stop caressing my cheek. “All I’m thinking about is whether you’ll feel disrespected by me.”

 “How am I feel disrespected?” I closed my eyes and leaned more on his hands enveloping my cheek. “When it feels this good.”

 “Because I’ll feel like kissing you, and more…” He sighed.

 I opened my eyes and could feel my heart pounded against my chest. I have never felt this crave in so long. I reached out to caress his cheek in return to make him look at me in the eyes.

 “For what it’s worth. I feel the same way, Kook.”

 And with that sentence, he crashed his lips into mine. Gently, subtly. It felt like an electric shockwave throughout my body. His lips felt so soft against mine, we chased each other’s like our life depending on it. However somehow, I could not hold back of the pain seeping inside me. This felt so good, so right. Being with him felt so right in many aspects, yet, it also felt so wrong. Tears started streaming down my eyes.

 Jungkook opened his eyes and pulled back a little when he felt the salty liquid down my face. He searched for my eyes which I kept closed from the moment his lips touched mine.

 “Hey, do I hurt you? Baby, please don’t cry.” He wiped away my tears with his thumb.

  I could feel the pain stung harder hearing him calling me baby, resulting to me sobbing more uncontrollably.

 “Baby, baby tell me what’s wrong?” His voice soft but still hinted a little bit of panic.

 I eventually looked him in the eyes. “It’s been a while since I feel this happy and alive, but at the same time, I know that...” My breath hitched a little. “I know that I shouldn’t hope for anything.”

 Jungkook took me to his embrace, he held me so tightly. “Y/N I don’t care about your past, your age, whatever it is baggage you’re bringing, maybe I should warn you too that I’m also carrying around my baggage, but I swear to God, I don’t want to let you go.”

 “What should we do, Kook? I’m just a regular person, not much it could affected me as much as it will affects you.” I said weakly.

 “Don’t you worry about that.” He cupped my cheeks with his warm big hands. He looked at me reassuringly. “As long as you are okay being with a kid like me.”

 “You said it yourself that you’re a grown up 24 year old man, why would you say that again?” I pouted.

 “Because I feel insecure. What if you find me too childish? While I want to be that man for you.”

 I chuckled. “Being manly is overrated Kook. I mean you can look the manliest man but then you go and abuse your partner, how is that called a man?”

 He smiled lightly. “I see your point there.”

 “Besides, I’m looking for someone who could make me feel alive, so far, you’ve been doing just that.”

 “How so?” He asked curiously and whatever came over me being this bold I could not fathom. I took his tattooed right hand and put it in my chest, against my heart. It hadn’t stopped pounding from the moment he took me to his embrace.

 “This had not been working this hard for quite a long time, Kook. You brought me to life.”

 JK POV

 The moment she put my hand over her chest, all the insecurities and worries I had been feeling were thrown outside the window. I knew how it feels to crave for someone, but this goes beyond physical desire. I have never felt the need to protect someone and to please someone as much I am right now with Y/N in my arms. The way we communicated, the way she talked with me, feels like I’m enveloped in a warm blanket, while at the same time, free as a bird flying around.

 She made me wanted to talk about many things because I could see she genuinely interested. Never one topic made her flinched. Never one opinion she shared feels like judging. She always tries to find the other angle, trying to find the other perspective. It sometimes hurt me, feeling like she always has to make sure people around her feels safe. Then who will keep her safe and secure with her own thoughts?

 “Baby, will you let me show you the man I could be?” I searched her eyes for any doubt, any hesitance, but found none. I could only find a desire, matching with mine.

 She answered me by standing on her tiptoes and locked her lips into mine. I put my hands under her thighs and whispered. “Jump.” She then locked her legs around my waist and I carried her to my room. I pushed the door open with my right leg and walked towards the king size bed. I put her down slowly on the edge of the bed.

 I got down on my knees and separated my lips. She looked at me questionably. I positioned myself between her legs and cupped her chin, chasing her lips again, now tugging at her bottom lips, asking for permission for my tongue to finally explore hers.

 I could feel her hands on the back of my head, squeezing my hair here and there. I ran my hands up and down her jeans clothed thighs. Her hands travelled down my neck and slowly coming down my chest. She fiddled with the top button of my shirt, but I didn’t feel her opening it up.

 I separated our lips and arched my eyebrow. I could see her cheeks turned bright red while her hand still lingered on my button. She lowered her gaze to avoid my eyes, she looked shy. I cover her hand and guided her to unbutton it slowly. “Do whatever you want baby.” I said to her while still guiding her hand unbuttoning my shirt one by one.

 I could see her concern subsided little by little when we reached the last button. She raised her hands underneath my shirt onto my shoulders, slowly slipping it off. I shrugged it away to the floor and continue chasing her lips. My hands reached her buttoned up blouse and started to unbutton hers while my lips sliding down to her neck. I heard her gasped and mewl under my touch, sending boiling heat towards my lower region. Her fingers tracing down my back going back and forth.

 “Jungkook…” I heard her moan.

 “Hmm? Do you want me to stop?” I slipped her blouse off and palmed her bra clothed breast.

 “No…” she stuttered. “Feels so good…”

 I smirked against her neck, sucking on the skin there, leaving it glistening red. My hands then travelled to her jeans button and pulled her zipper down. She raised her hips to let me slide it off of her legs. Our heavy breathes fulfilled the room clouding with desire. Chase Atlantic’s Tidal Wave played faintly in the background.

 “You’re so beautiful.” Looking at her milky white skin against my navy bed sheet. I stood up on my feet and started to unbutton and loosened my jeans, leaving me in my boxer.

 Y/N POV

 My whole body felt like it’s burning. Jungkook hovered over me in only his boxer. I could still see his toned abs and pecks even when the room is dimmed. He then went back to his knees, positioned himself between my legs. I tried to close my legs in reflex, but his strong hands held back my thighs. “May I?” He asked while one hand went to took off my panties. I could only nod in return.

 I could not hold back a gasp when I saw his head lowering into my crotch. He licked a long strip and sucked lightly on my clit. My back arched from the bed while I held the bedsheet tightly between my fingers. Then the journey started, slowly like a rollercoaster, it kept going up and up until I felt like something is about to explode inside of me, like a firework about to shoot up. And when it finally did, I thrashed my head sideways and held my voice against the bedsheet, my breathing was out of control.

 I could feel him leaving my heat and the sight of him licking his lips off of my release triggered another desire inside of me. Sweat glistening on my forehead even though the aircon was on. I could not find any words to say but to reach my hands out to his face. I wanted to kiss him so badly.

 Jungkook saw me struggling and gently pushed me back into the bed while giving me his warmest smile. He then kissed my jaw while exploring my chest with his hands. While the hands are soft to the touch, I could feel some rough skin here and there. It made me crave more of his touch.

 My core started to burn with desire again as I felt his bulge against me. Timidly, I held his boxer’s line and try to slide it down, I need to touch him. I whimpered when his mouth enveloped my right breast, his hand slowly cupping my dripping core.

 “Jungkook please…”

 “Tell me what you want baby.”

 I pulled his hair lightly, cupped his cheek to kiss him fully on the lips. “I want you, so much.” I said through hooded eyes. Whatever the future will be, whatever this will be, this desire between us could not be held any longer.

 “I know.” He said confidently. Of course he knew I could feel how wet I was down there and he had been stroking his long fingers around it lazily. “What do you want me to do baby? Tell me.”

 I have never been vocal during sex. Well since I only did it with 2 different people before. My high school boyfriend, and Seo Jun of course. They were never vocal during sex, it was just a plain standard love making regime if I might say. Deep inside, I did crave for more. Now that Jungkook offered me this kind of experience, the desire I felt inside doubled, even tripled if possible.

 “I want you to fuck me…” I whimpered.

 I could feel his smirk against my skin. “Good, cause I really want you too.” With that said he plunged his finger inside of me. Pleasure started to build again inside as I moved my hips to match his hand movement. He added a second finger and I gasped rather loudly. I knew that I was close but I don’t want to cum just yet. I held his wrist to stop him.

 “Jungkook, please…”

 He stopped his kisses and looked at me questionably. “I want to cum around you…” I said with ragged breath. Jungkook got up on his knees, reaching out his bedside table to pull out a condom. Feeling bold, I sat up and took the foil package from his hand. I ripped it open and looked up at him, licking my lips. He run his thumb across my lips and cursed under his breath. I tugged down his boxer brief and he threw it away. I reached out to his erected length, gave it a few pumps as he grunted. “Baby, please…”

 I put the condom around his length and kiss the tip. Jungkook cupped my cheek and kissed me deeply, my back met the fluffy mattress. He stopped his kisses and touched our forehead together, looking into my eyes deeply. I could hear his heart beating from our closeness. With his hand guiding, he pushed his length inside me, slowly.

 I gasped at the friction. It stung, considering I haven’t had sex for a long time. Jungkook could feel me holding back pain, peppering my face with sweet kisses. “I’m sorry baby, should we stop here?”

 I squeezed his hard biceps. “It’s okay, just go slow please.” I chased his lips for another kiss. He nodded and started to move slowly inside. He massaged my breast with his right hand, while the other hand supported his body to not crash me underneath. I could feel myself getting wetter and this made it easier for him to move without causing me pain.

 Jungkook closed his eyes and bit his lower lips. I could feel him holding back his movement. “Fuck me, Kook.” I breathed, rolling my hips against him. “Fuck baby, you feel so good.” He praised while starting to thrust his hips, pulling out just to his tips and pushing back in. I could not hold back moans after moans for this pleasure I haven’t had for so long. He hit my spots in places I never knew I had, and this drives me crazy.

 Jungkook stopped his movement. “Can you get on all fours for me baby?” He helped me turn over and pushed my back gently, my chest met with the soft sheet underneath. He pulled my ass back and caressed it slowly, peppering kisses down my spine. I put my head sideways, gripping the sheets tightly as he started to enter me again from behind. How could it feel even better than before?

 I could feel my walls clenching as my release is near. This causing a grunt from Jungkook. “Cum for me baby come on.” He dropped himself on top of me, fingers intertwined with mine as his thrust went faster and harder. The knot on my stomach came undone as I moaned his name. I mewled sensitively as he kept on the pace. “Jungkook-ah…” I searched for him and he kissed me sloppily, and finally came with a few deep thrusts. He slipped off of me gently, took off and tied up the condom before disposing it.

 I tried to calm down my breaths as I moved to my back, trying to find his blanket with my hands. Feels weird but I couldn’t help to feel shy lying naked in his bed, even after what we’ve done. Jungkook realized what I was searching and pulled his blanket over my body, he joined me inside, pulled me in into his embrace. He kissed the top of my head under his chin. “That was amazing.” He squeezed my forearm.

 I looked up at him, his bangs are sweaty on his forehead, lips swollen pink, his tattoos went all the way from his right hand, to his right sleeves, up to just under his shoulder, contrasting with his white skin. He looked so beautiful. “Was it good for you?” I asked shyly.

 He pulled up my chin and kissed me fully on the lips. “As I said, that was AMAZING.”

 I still looked away from his gaze. Insecurities came over me. I had a kid for God’s sake. He must have had partners way hotter and sexier than I was. I suddenly remembered the stretch marks on my stomach, on my thighs, I clutched the blanket tighter.

 “Hey, what’s wrong?” He kissed my temple slowly.

 “I just remembered all my stretch marks.” I grinned sheepishly.

 Jungkook held me closer and chuckled lightly. “I didn’t even see it, even if I did, I don’t care, you felt too good none of that matters.”

 “I gave birth to a child from there Kook.” I covered my face with both hands. “It must have felt different and disgusting.”

 “Hey, stop that. You are beautiful.” He kissed my forehead. “Besides if it’s not good, I would never cum.” I punched his bare chest playfully as my cheeks turned red. It was amazing of course for me.

 “I have never came twice. I barely even could came once.” I said as I made myself comfortable against his chest. Laying back on the bed.

 “Really?” His fingers caressing the skin of my forearm. “Did you told your partner about it?”

 “No. I always think it would ruin their male ego.”

 Jungkook scoffed. “I can understand, I mean many guys out there assuming they’re the best in bed, some even parading around their conquest. Talking as if these women don’t have names and feelings.”

 I took his right hand, lightly tracing his tattoos one by one. “You have friends who does that?”

 “Yeah, some guys I knew from here and there. It’s not easy socializing with my schedule and all. Most of the time my friends are my brothers, the members. But sometimes I also wanted to go out and meet new people.”

 “I’m sorry for you Kook.” I kissed his purple heart tattoo lightly.

 “It’s okay. I have gained more than I lost, that’s my mantra everytime I feel like that.”

 “So you reaching out to me was another moment of you wanting to meet new people?” I asked.

 Jungkook scrunched his nose lightly. “I guess so. At that time I felt stuck. I have to write new song but feels like I don’t have any inspiration at all. Namjoon hyung advised me to go out, experience life, and he was the one mentioning try to listen to radio.”

 I smiled quietly. All of this happened because Namjoon had suggested one thing. Jungkook decided to give it a try. Funny how universe works.

 “Kook, why do you love music so much? Has it always been like that since you were a kid?”

 “Hmm… my mom loved music so our house was almost always filled with music, she plays the piano also. I guess just the upbringing of hearing music since I started to walk. Then, growing up, I have always found it easier expressing my feelings with music.”

 I nodded in agreement. “I do too. I always think music had always helped me expressing my feelings, I have to always listening to music whenever I feel angry, it helps me calm down. It’s the cheapest therapy for me.” I absentmindedly entwining our hands together. Jungkook squeezed my hand tightly.

 “One of the things why I felt so attracted to you, I could feel your love for music, almost as much as I do.” He added. Warmth seeping through my heart, knowing that this connection between us, felt so real and reciprocated. I’ve been wanting someone to share my thoughts with, someone who shares the same interest with me, someone who could light that fire of desire inside of me. I sat up and looked at this man. Why are you so perfect to me?

 “Do you want another pannacota?” I asked.

 “Sex and dessert? God, aren’t you perfect?” He gave me a peck and his bunny smile.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading Intertwined so far! Your comments and feedbacks are welcome :) pls do let me know if you enjoyed the story!! Will update chapter 4 soon! Thanksss

[astranva]

Reason To Hate You.

// masterlist //

Word Count: 5k

Category: Angst

Warning: Some strong language, as usual. Just angsty. It’s good for the skin and some soul cleansing.

Summary: He loves her, but has no time to show it even when she asks him to. But she’s had enough, and Harry writes a song.

Based on Reason To Hate You by Rhys Lewis.

..

You were sure when Harry sang “comfortable silence is overrated” he wasn’t joking, because maybe your boyfriend appreciated the uncomfortable silence more, or at least he had been showing so.

Familiarity was out of the window when it came to the both of you, because that would be an understatement. Your friends and families had joked about it for the one year and 7 months of your relationship, about how you were one soul in two bodies, how alike you and Harry were and how the differences completed one another.

You knew when he was stressed, sad, nervous, even when he was a combination of every emotion there is and it had always assured you that he, too, knew you like the back of his hand.

One look at you and he’d offer the best support; let it be a shoulder to cry on, a celebratory dance, or a shared cup of blueberry yogurt.

But quietness had barged in like an univited guest, one you weren’t ready for and the more you thought about it, you would have never been ready for it.

Empty was one word to describe it; the bed, the kitchen, the living room, the balcony, the house, the trips to the grocery’s – the relationship.

It began around the time of Fine Line’s release. Biting back your tongue, you had managed to not feel small whenever you listened to all the tracks on there that Harry had on his ex, especially the one that had his ex talking at the end of.

But Harry had showered you with love and assurance, telling you that he couldn’t believe he had ever lived without you by his side and how he had never felt this sort of love with anyone.

You, too, had showered him with affection and the undivided pride you felt for him, making sure all your friends and family purchased the album, playing it at all times, working online so you could accompany him to some of his press because he needed you there with him.

“Mom’s birthday is coming up. I think we should get her that dress she talked about last time, remember it?” You had asked one night as you lied in bed, eyes on your boyfriend as he moisturized his face while standing in nothing but his boxers.

Harry glanced at you before looking back at the mirror one final time before walking to the bed, “I don’t, no.”

“The Marc Jacobs o-“

“When is it?” He rushed, getting under the cover, turning away from you before turning his head back to look at you.

Your lips parted before closing again, before you replied. “Friday.”

“This Friday?” And at your nod, Harry pursed his lips, “I’m sorry, baby, I can’t make it. Have a meeting all day to talk about tour.”

“But H, you knew about this for two weeks.”

“I did?” Sheepishly, Harry asked.

You slumped before shaking your head, “It’s alright. I’ll just tell her you had an emergency or something.”

“You do that.” He nodded, reaching behind him to give your thigh a squeeze, “Get whatever gift you want, pay with my card.”

You didn’t reply, watching as he let his head down on his pillow, back to you as he got comfortable, the only light in the room coming from the lamp on your bedside table.

On the day of your mother’s birthday, you remember the halfhearted smile you offered to her when she asked you where Harry was,

“Says he’s really sorry. Family emergency, but this is from the both of us.” And then you had given her the neatly wrapped present, a card attached to it with a birthday message from you and Harry, only that it was only you who had written it because Harry was up and out of the house the minute you opened your eyes that morning.

And then it happened, again, and again, and again,

and some more.

“Good morning,” you had smiled at him one morning, watching as he rubbed his face before he approached you, capturing your lips in a kiss that had the butterflies in your stomach cheer and dance, “How did you sleep?”

“Fine, love. What about you?” He smiled tiredly, hands on your waist and chin on your shoulder from behind as he watched you flip the cheddar cheese and omelet toast on the pan.

“Great.” You smiled when you felt him rub your skin from over your nightgown with his fingers. You turned off the stove before turning, reaching up to wrap your arms around his neck, leaning to peck his lips, “Hey, I know we always get Chinese takeout for our Sunday night date but how do you feel about Thai?”

And instantly, Harry tensed, guilt already taking place on his face and the smile on your face faltered at the change of demeanor, “Y/N, I’m sorry, lovie, I can’t make it tonight.”

“What? Why? We never skip on our Sunday night indoor date.”

It was a ritual you and Harry were devoted to since the very beginning of your relationship, and not once had neither of you flaked on it, always having plans around it but never during it because it was when the both of you would kick your heels up, pig out, watch a movie, talk, and just get ready for the start of another week.

“Told you I’m going to Miami for a few days to meet with the director for Watermelon Sugar, baby.”

“You’re travelling?” You frowned, “You never told me.”

Harry paused, eyes going slightly big before he looked away for a moment before looking back at you, “I’m sorry. It must have slipped out of my mind with how hectic everything has been.”

You didn’t reply, suddenly feeling a tad uncomfortable with your position which had you remove your arms from around him and turn, holding the pan and moving out of his grasp to put the toast on his plate.

“I’m really sorry, Y/N. It’s just my job and I can’t reschedule.”

You sighed, feeling as if your heart strings were being tugged at. Nevertheless, you managed to give him a small smile. “It’s alright, H. I understand. You gotta do what you gotta do.”

To be honest, if anyone had a say in this, they’d say Harry took advantage of how accepting you were, but you would never. You would never say – nor admit – that he was taking advantage of all your “I understand”s and “I get it”s, because you knew he was busy. You knew he loved you. You knew it, until you weren’t so sure anymore.

Standing in the corner of Adam and Emi’s living room, you sipped on your Sprite as you watched people from Harry’s band and those behind the album mingle, your boyfriend standing out of earshot but in front of you, conversing with Tom – Kid Harpoon – and Naomi, his hands moving around as he talked which made you smile a little.

“Why are you standing here all lonely?” You felt a nudge to your shoulder before you looked beside you, seeing Sarah leaning on the wall beside you.

You shrugged, “Just watching.”

“You never texted me yesterday after your date. How did Harry react to your dress? Did you end up wearing the white sh-“

“We didn’t go.”

“-oes? Or- Wait, what?” Sarah frowned.

“We didn’t go on the date.” You repeated, avoiding her eyes by looking down at the small soda bubbles in your cup.

“Oh,” Sarah’s shoulders slumped, taking notice of your gloomy mood, “Oh, um,” she cautiously looked at you, “You were dressed.” She mumbled with a frown, genuinely sad for her friend.

You chuckled, putting your weight on one leg, “So was he, but we had different intentions, I guess. He had a meeting with Jeff.”

“Y/N…” Sarah, with a frown, offered a hand of support on your shoulder.

With a small, very fake smile, you looked at her and shook your head, “It’s alright, really. He’s been busy with tour and the press and all that.”

“Doesn’t make him less of an arse, you know?” She raised an eyebrow.

You only chuckled, looking down at your shoes, “Don’t worry about it. Hey, at least I got to watch that show you’ve been bugging me with.”

You were patient; something many of the people you knew in your life always praised, some even were in disbelief at how patient you were with the shit life threw at you. Like that one time your laptop lagged in the midst of your presentation at uni and instead of freaking out, you remained calm, collected and patient, and it was why you ended up acing that presentation.

But that didn’t mean you didn’t feel like crap, because you did.

Since communication was key, you had decided to do just that – communicate. Harry was better than you when it came to confrontation. For a long time, you had trouble with approaching anyone and telling them that things weren’t fine, but as yours and Harry’s relationship blossomed, you learned to.

It was why you had decided against going to bed early one night and opted to stay and wait for Harry’s return, knowing that it was the only time you would be able to see him with how tight his schedule had been.

In a crewneck of his and plaid pj pants, you sat on the couch with a cup of green tea in your hands, watching a talk show that you mentally criticized as shit in your mind before you heard the click of the door.

Taking a breath to steady your heartbeat and breath, you put aside your tea before you clutched your hands together, cracking your knuckles nervously as you heard the sound of Harry’s home sliders against the floor.

His face showed confusion at the light being turned on, knowing that by that time, you usually slept, but he saw you sitting there, too in your head as you looked at your fidgeting hands to notice that he was a few steps away.

“You’re still up.” He stated in surprise, watching your head snap to look at him.

“Um, yeah,” you nodded, “Was waiting for you.”

Unknowing why, Harry smiled to himself as he approached you, leaning down to press a kiss to your temple, “Yeah?”

You nodded, “Can we talk?”

And then his smile slightly faltered, eyebrows furrowing in slight worry before he sat. “Are you alright?” His hand reached up to brush your hair.

You hated how loving he was that moment, how he made you feel. How he showed you care when he was there for a few minutes, but you hated how he had trouble showing you that by making time for you.

“Harry,” you began and he immediately felt like shit because you rarely use his name, “Are you ever not going to be busy?”

“What?”

You felt stupid, not knowing how to articulate how you’re feeling but gave it another go anyway. “It’s just that, you’re never here anymore. It’s always the album, meetings, press, and when it’s none of those, then you’re out with your friends-“

“Is this about me cancelling that date?”

And you knew he was starting to get defensive and you made note that you hated that, too.

“Which one?” You asked tiredly before sighing, turning fully to look at him, “I’m not asking you to choose between me and your job, your life, but I’m just asking you to make time for me. I just feel out of place, Harry, and it sucks.”

“You know this album is important to me, everything about it.”

“And I absolutely love all that for you, I’m so proud of you,” you held his hands, “I just miss you, that’s all.”

“But Y/N, that’s-“ Harry let out a deep sigh, closing his eyes for a moment, “That’s my job.”

“It’s not your job to cancel on our quality time more than twice to be with your friends, all of whom you see everyday.”

“I see you everyday.”

“Seeing me when I’m sleeping or kissing me goodbye is hardly anything, Harry.” You said gently.

He contemplated it, staying silent for a few moments as he looked down at your joined hands. “What do you want me to do?”

“Just, make time for me, for us – please?”

You had kissed then, almost like a promise, and for the first time in a long time, you cuddled.

You wished you received enough assurance that he was trying, wished to see it, but it seemed like too big of a wish to come true.

You had a career of your own, one you were proud of and worked hard for, so when one day your boss asked you to their office to break the news of your promotion, your smile might as well have resembled a painted one like the Joker’s, from ear to ear.

Your colleagues had cheered for you, even interns approaching you to tell you that you deserved it, and they had all decided that a celebration was due. While they were planning for the celebration, deciding that it would take place at a nearby pub the following day as it Saturday and Friday was a good day to recover from hangovers, you took out your phone, composing a text to Harry.

‘H, please be home early tonight. Big news! 🥳 Love you!’

“You sure you don’t want to join for a quick drink? You earned it.” Your colleague Mariah asked as she walked you to your car.

“I’m sure. You go have fun and we’ll meet tomorrow.”

“Hey, tell your boyfriend to tag along!” She said as she waved before leaving.

That day, you went back home, showered and changed before cooking a nice meal for yourself and Harry.

You had checked your phone multiple times, checking if you might have missed a response or missed a call but granted, your phone only notified you of few congratulatory messages from people in your workplace and your family’s Whatsapp group after you had shared with them the news, none from the one person you longed for.

When the clock struck 8 that night, you found yourself grabbing your phone, tapping on it until you were calling his phone. One missed call, you called again and that time, he answered.

“Baby, I’m in the middle of something.” Harry rushed.

“What is it?” You found yourself asking.

“Mate! You fucking cheated!” You heard him laugh, sounds of different people in the background, “Don’t wait up, yeah? I have to go now. Love y-Wait, I’m coming!” And with one final laughter from him – a sound you had always loved and cherished but that moment, it only made you feel like crying – he hung up.

You stared at your phone, eyes stinging and nears getting itchy, swallowing the lump in your throat before you angrily tossed the phone onto the couch before walking to the kitchen to eat your share of the food. No way in hell were you going to sleep sad, angry, and on an empty stomach.

You hated how small you felt, how you felt unwanted in his world. It wasn’t like you wanted much either, just some time.

It was why the following morning as you got ready for your day at work, you might have loudly closed a drawer or two before looking over at Harry’s sleeping figure.

Huffing as you looked into the mirror while adjusting your top, you were unaware to Harry stretching and rubbing his eyes before you heard him.

“Good morning, love.”

Your heart raced, turning instantly to look at him. You tried to smile but when that failed, you turned back to give yourself a final look before grabbing your bag, mumbling a halfhearted “good morning.”

“Leaving early?”

You nodded, “Yeah, I want to grab donuts before I go.”

Harry smiled sleepily, “You usually get them donuts when there is good news.”

“I got promoted.” You said, still avoiding looking at him as you walked towards the door, lingering by it before you finally looked at him, finding him looking at you with a grin.

“Really? Baby, that’s wonderful! Congratulations, Honey. You deserve this. C’mere.” And he opened his arms, making grabby hands at you.

That moment, you also hated how you couldn’t fight the urge to go to him because that was exactly what you did. You walked towards him, sitting beside him and letting him embrace you, peppering kisses on your head.

“I’m proud of you.”

You sighed, wrapping your arms around him as you closed your eyes. “You are?”

“Of course. Always am.”

You smiled, nuzzling your head into his neck.

Harry wasn’t dumb – he felt it. You missed him, and he, too, missed you. He just couldn’t seem to say no to all the plans that he was invited to – except yours.

“They’re celebrating me tonight. Do you want to come?” You said, and although it was a little muffled, he heard it.

“Tonight’s Steve’s birthday. Remember hi-“

“Oh my God.” You rolled your eyes, pulling away from his embrace, shaking your head at yourself before letting out a chuckle, “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

“Why? What did I- Y/N, you know I can’t miss it. Steve has helped a lot with the album, it wouldn’t be right.”

“He helped with-“ You laughed bitterly, “Right, and I have never helped you with anything. Nothing at all.”

“Don’t take it like that, Y/N.” Harry huffed.

“I’m not taking it like anything, Harry. It doesn’t matter. Don’t wait up. Oh wait,” you stood, giving him a sarcastic smile, “You never do.”

And with that, you were out.

Any other time, you probably would have felt guilty. You would have felt like running back into his arms the moment he opened them. Only, he hadn’t called you, nor had he opened his arms.

There you were, sitting on a stool at the bar as your friends danced and drank, sulking with an untouched cocktail glass, staring at the door every time someone walked in.

But 7 became 8, 8 became 9, and before you knew it, you had driven one of your very drunk colleagues home at 12 and you were back home at 12:30, too sober for your own liking. That was a pathetic celebration, you thought.

You weren’t sure why but the moment you stepped foot inside your shared home with Harry – it was initially his but by the 12th month of your relationship, he had asked you to move in – you couldn’t stop the tears.

Ugly sobs broke the silence in the house, your body shaking with the extra weight of emotions it carried for months.

Maybe it was because even then, Harry wasn’t home and surely, he wasn’t beside you as your friends celebrated a big event in your life. Maybe it was because you received a notification that Harry had posted to his close friends story list on Instagram, the story being him holding his phone with the front camera, Harry singing along to a Queen song with Alexa Chung as she had one arm around his shoulders, her other hand holding a cup that resembled the miserable cocktail you had earlier to celebrate yourself.

But you were packing a suitcase.

You were neatly folding some of your clothes in it, putting some of your undergarments in the zipped-up area. You hadn’t bothered to quit crying, you figured that you owed that yourself.

One thing Harry didn’t expect to return to was to see you out, closing your car’s trunk as you stood in your black sweatpants and a grey hoodie, comfortable sneakers on your feet and your hair left with no hairbands or as much as a clip as if you hadn’t bothered to do anything with it.

Quickly parking and turning off his car, his eyes had glanced at the time quickly, finding it reading 2:21AM. Harry was quick to get out, noticing your movement to your driver side halt as you heard so.

“Where are you going?” He asked as he approached you, feeling worried and scared as he stared at the back of your head as you were yet to turn.

But you did, and Harry found himself staring your puffy eyes, tears in clouding the color he loved too much and his heart broke.

“I’m leaving.”

If it was possible, his heart would have beat its way out of his chest.

“L-Leaving wh-where? What?”

You sniffled, wiping your eyes with your sleeve, “I’m leaving, Harry. I’m done.”

“Y/N, baby,” he cooed, stepping closer, “Let’s talk, alright?” He gently put his hands on your arms, only to have you shrug them off, breaking his heart even more and causing a lump to form in his throat.

“No! We’re not going to talk, Harry. I’m done talking. I’m done waiting. I’m done being alone in this fucking house – in this- this fucking relationship!” You cried.

“Baby, please,” his jaw clenched as he tried to control his breathing and to push back the tears, “Y/N, please. Don’t do this.”

You shook your head, “I gave you everything. I tried everything and it’s just not working. I’m done giving, Harry. Please, just understand.” You stepped closer to him, cupping his face, “You’re never here for me anymore and I’m done holding on to the ghost of you.”

“What can I do? Anything, please,” his nose reddened, eyes going tearful as he was just about to melt in your hands, watching you shake your head, “Please, lovie, anything.”

“I’m done.” You whispered in the midst of a sob, leaning forward to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth, “I tried.”

And with that, you got into the car before speeding off, leaving Harry standing there, his heart seeming to wave him off as he watched your car disappear.

//

He was shit.

He had tried to contact you, even tried to visit you at your work only to get told that you were taking a few days off.

He messaged you everyday for 3 weeks, called and left voice notes.

His friends felt bad for him when they knew, but they felt worse when he broke down one day when his band visited to check up on him,

“If only I wasn’t part of all of this! If you didn’t drag me into all of this shit, she would have still been here! Right here in her fucking home with me!”

“Hey! You got no one to blame but yourself. You’re the one who decided to blow her off every time, even when Mitch and I asked you about her and gave you an earful so don’t fucking put the blame on anyone but yourself, Harry!” Sarah had knocked some sense into him, “I love you and all, but this is all you and whatever will happen next will be you. Don’t wait for anyone to pick up your mess because it’s about time you act and show her you love her.”

He deserved that.

Harry had tried countless of times, visited your old apartment only to face an old man holding a puppy who had no idea who you were.

He found himself sitting in his studio one night – where he slept because he couldn’t bring himself to sleep in your bedroom – his journal perched up as his pen worked on it. It was like he didn’t need to think about it, he went on auto-pilot and before he could realize it, he had written a song.

You weren’t any better. 2 months later and you were still avoiding his calls. It didn’t help that you got another phone and number but kept your old one, only to know that he still remembered you and you felt pathetic for it.

His fans were bombarding you with questions on yours and his whereabouts, saying that you’ve been inactive for way too long and it wasn’t like you to not interact with them, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t pretend that everything was fine when it wasn’t.

By the 3rd month, you began to go other places than your workplace.

You met up with 2 of your friends, giving them short answers and “yeah”s as they talked. With your mind being somewhere else, you unlocked your phone and opened Instagram, checking your explore page.

And there it finally was; a picture of him. His beard and moustache had grown, untrimmed and messy as his hair. His eyes were hidden behind a pair of sunglasses, yellow sweatpants and a grey hoodie worn along with his running shoes while he walked.

Your breath hitched in your throat as you opened the photo, checking the caption to read it;

‘Harry out a few minutes ago!’

As fresh as your favorite home baked pastries this photo was. Your eyes moved from him to the shop behind him, zooming with your fingers before letting out a gasp.

“Y/N? Is everything okay?” One of your friends asked.

“I have to go.” You quickly said, slinging on your bag before you shot out of your seat and outside, frantically looking left and right before walking towards the shop you had seen in the picture.

You didn’t even know what you were doing. Hell, you shouldn’t have been doing that, looking for him like that.

You panted, reaching up to place a hand on your rapidly beating heart as you stood in front of the shop.

God, you felt stupid.

“Y/N…”

You heard it, then you felt it; his hand, gentle on your shoulder.

You turned, coming face to face with the man you had sworn up and down was the love of your life – and you knew he still was.

He snatched off his sunglasses, as if they played a trick on him but they weren’t because you stood right there.

“You’re here.” He breathed out.

Harry’s green eyes were staring into yours, hand still on your shoulder.

At the feeling that rushed through you; one that made you feel that one more minute and you would be in his arms, kissing him and going back home with him, you slowly shook your head. “I have to leave.”

“No, please, please, a minute. Just a minute.” Harry pleaded with wide eyes, desperation in his voice.

“If I stay for one more minute, I won’t control myself. Please let me go.” You closed your eyes as you spoke softly.

“I can’t.”

“You can. You did it more than once.”

One final jab to his heart, you turned, rushing to cross the street before getting in your car.

//

The news of a sudden single drop was everywhere.

Friends and family texted you to ask if you had heard the song, most asking you to “please talk it out with Harry, he seems really sorry.”

Your coffee, sat waiting for you as you read the wave of tweets that crashed on you from fans, most of asking you what your friends and family asked of you, some others apologizing on his behalf, some others questions if the song was about you to begin with, and some others giving you shit for “breaking Harry’s heart.”

You were quick to click on a YouTube link that was attached to a tweet of a fan reacting to the song, sitting up straight and suddenly feeling nauseous as the screen changed.

Harry Styles – Reasons To Hate You.

Your stomach dropped as you saw him. In a white tee and black shorts, his hair was held back with your light blue clip while he sat in a chair behind his mic in the comfort of your home studio, holding the black guitar you had gifted him for his 26th birthday.

“Can you just lie to me

And ruin these memories

'Cause I've gotta forget somehow

So I'm begging you, burn us to the ground,” Harry sang as he played the guitar.

“Cause I know it's over

But I don't know what to do

So help me get over

Help me get over you,”

With no intentions to stop the tears, you let yourself cry, reaching up to stifle a sob by putting a hand to your mouth.

“And tell me you love somebody else or something

Or say you've been unfaithful to me

'Cause I need a reason to hate you, a reason to let you go

A reason to move on 'cause without one I know I won't

So tell me you love somebody else or something

Or say you've been unfaithful to me.”

He had looked up to his camera, and as he did, you felt like he was physically there and singing for you.

“Where do we go from here?

Do you just disappear?

'Cause I don't think I can be your friend

When it feels like the break isn't gonna mend.”

You stopped questioning your moves, and as proof, you had no idea what you were thinking when you grabbed your car keys and bolted out of the studio apartment you had rented, the song still playing.

“'Cause even after all this time, I'm hoping I can change your mind

'Cause hope's the only open door left to choose

So let me out for good because I know that I'm not strong enough

To stop myself from feeling things for you

So don't give me the truth.”

And you drove to him, right back to your home.

The song had replayed itself 4 times before you were finally out of your car and rushing to the door, ringing the bell and knocking, cursing yourself for forgetting your keys back at that apartment.

The door opened and there he stood, in the same clothes with the same clip holding back his hair.

Harry didn’t have time to comprehend before you threw yourself at him, crying into his chest.

“You’re such an asshole.” You cried, “How can you release something like that, you shit?”

He held on to you, hiding his face in your hair as he took you in.

“Next time, even an album won’t bring me back, you understand?” You mumble, feeling his arms tighten around you as he kissed your head then shoulder.

“There won’t be a next time.”

[charlies-gillespie]

reminence | charlie gillespie

paring: fem!reader x charlie gillespie

summary: reader stays the night in a hotel but there are no rooms. her ex, Charlie, overheard her talking and offers reader to spend the night in his room

length: mediumish

rating: PG

warnings: none

!! NOT MY GIF !!

MASTERLIST

You get out of the Uber you took to get here from LAX. You thank the driver and get your suitcase out of the trunk of his car. You drag your suitcase and dufflebag into the hotel that you plan in staying at tonight. It’s about five and the lobby is kind of packed. The parking lot was pretty full. You get in line at the desk behind a couple and their child.

The desk receptionist hands the couple a key and they walk off. You approach the desk with a smile and say, “Hi, my name is Y/N L/N and I booked a room here for one night.” The desk receptionist nods and types on the computer.

She makes a face and says, “I’m sorry, Miss L/N but that was our last room available.”

Confused, you say, “I called three days ago and made a reservation for a room.”

“I am all out of rooms tonight, I apologize,” she says. “If you’d like to stay and wait in case someone checks out then you can. I thought we had more than one room available for tonight.”

With a sigh, you open your mouth to say something until you hear someone go “Y/N?” behind you. You turn your head to see Charlie Gillespie standing behind you. You blink at him. You haven’t seen him since he broke up with you almost two years ago after a three year relationship. His hair has gotten longer and he’s gotten ... cuter.

You say, “Charlie, wow. It’s been a long time.”

Charlie approaches you and asks, “Are you staying here tonight?”

“I was going to but they just gave away the last room when I called three days ago reserving a room,” you say. “Why are you staying here?”

He says, “I flew in from Canada yesterday and have been staying here until my friend gets back from Canada so I can stay at his place. Wait, did you say that they don’t have anymore rooms?” You nod. “You can stay with me tonight. I have a second bed in my room that you can use.”

With a smile forming on your lips, you say, “Thank you, Charlie.” The desk receptionist hands you a key to Charlie’s room and the two of you take the elevator up to the fourth floor.

When you’re on the elevator, you take a second to look at the man next to you. His hair was much shorter than it is now. He’s wearing a blue and white button-up shirt that’s a little big on him and the top three or four buttons are undone, revealing his chest. He wears khaki shorts and converse sneakers.

The elevator dings and you get off with Charlie, who leads you down the hallway to his hotel room. He uses his key to let you both in and he lets you walk in first. You look around the room. The bed he probably slept in last night is a mess and isn’t made. There’s a shirt thrown over a chair at the little circular table. A coffee mug sits on the table between the beds.

“It’s a little messy but I wasn’t expecting company,” Charlie says, closing the door behind you. “Sorry.”

You smile and say, “It’s okay. It’s not like you need to impress me or anything.”

Charlie chuckles a bit and says, “I can run and grab us some food while you unpack. I know you probably had a long flight and probably need real food.”

“Yes, please,” you say. “Are there any McDonald’s around here? Or Taco Bell?”

He grabs his wallet and asks, “Your usual from either?” You nod in response. “I’ll be back in about fifteen minutes then.” Charlie leaves the room and you sit on the neatly made bed.

Sometimes you don’t remember why your relationship with Charlie ended. He’s a sweetheart, even after not seeing you for two years.

Your mind wanders while you unpack some of your clothes, putting them in an unused drawer. You check the minifridge to see what Charlie has. He just has a few cans of soda and a few water bottles. You sigh and sit back down on your bed.

Charlie walks in moments later with a Taco Bell bag and two drinks. He sets everything down on the little table and says, “Three soft shell tacos, Nacho Fries, and a Baja Blast. After all this time, I still know your regular at Taco Bell.”

With a laugh, you get up and say, “It’s not that hard to remember three soft shell tacos, Nacho Fries, and a Baja Blast. But thank you, Charlie.”

He smiles as you take your food, your drink, and a few napkins before sitting with your legs cross on your bed.

“What do the channels look like here? Any good ones?” you ask, opening one of your tacos.

Charlie shrugs and says, “There’s HBO we can watch. I know know what movie is on right now. Let’s check though.” He plops down on his bed with his Crunchwrap Supreme and his own Baja Blast. He grabs the remote and scrolls to HBO. He puts the channel on and you recognize the movie as Five Feet Apart. You look at Charlie and he switches to a static filled channel. “Not that one.”

Five Feet Apart was the movie you and Charlie watched the day before your relationship with him ended. You saw it in the movie theater a few weeks after it came out. You haven’t been able to watch it since.

Quickly, Charlie scrolls through the guide and puts on Friends. “This is a good compromise,” you tell him. “We both love Friends.”

“It’s one of the greatest shows ever,” Charlie says enthusiastically.

You laugh and say, “You made me watch this show so many times when we were together. The theme song always got stuck in my head after we watched it.”

Charlie swallows the bite of his Crunchwrap that he took before he asks, “Do you know how much Grey’s Anatomy you made me watch?” You laugh. “We’re even, Y/N.”

After swallowing a bite of your taco, you say, “You made me watch un ungodly amount of Friends, Charlie. It was everyday. I only made you watch Grey’s on Thursdays when it aired.”

He chuckles and says, “Okay, you got me there. You made me watch a lot of TikToks though, Miss L/N. You spent hours showing me videos.”

“You were laughing so I didn’t stop!” you say, jumping to your defense. “Remember that one time we tried making a TikTok by dancing to Obsessed by Mariah Carrey. It took us hours because you couldn’t learn the moves.”

Your ex laughs and says, “I did learn the moves eventually though. I still remember them.”

You finish your taco and says, “I wanna see this. Show me.”

Charlie smiles and gets off the bed. He stands in front of you and starts to do the Obsessed dance from TikTok. You laugh as you watch how badly he does the dance.

“For a musician, you have no rhythm,” you tease.

He sits back down on his bed with a sigh as he says, “For a small person, you eat a lot. I don’t know where it goes.”

With a laugh, you say, “I have no idea where it all goes either.”

It feels nice to laugh and talk with Charlie. Neither of you have spoken to each other since you broke up in late 2019. Just seeing him again has made you really happy. You didn’t think you’d see him again. He’s still his crazy self that he was years ago.

Both of you finish and you sit back against the headboard of your bed with a pillow behind you. You’re watching and laughing with Friends even though you’ve seen this episode a thousand times.

Charlie sudden asks, “Do you remember why we broke up?”

You look over at Charlie, who’s laying in the same position that you are, and say, “We just grew apart after high school. You moved down here part time after you graduated and I still had a few months left.” Charlie graduated early, you still had six months left. You were 17 when you and Charlie started dating at the beginning of your senior year of high school. He had just turned 17 right before the school year started. You were 20 when the relationship ended and Charlie was just about to turn 21. It wasn’t quite three years when you broke up but it was close.

He says, “I tried to make it work with us, Y/N. You know that right? Between living down here and acting, I did try.”

“I know you did,” you tell him, sitting up and looking at him. “It just got tough for both of us. We ended things on good terms.”

Charlie nods and says, “We did.”

You blink and ask, “What have you been doing since we broke up? Focusing on music, I hope.”

With a little laugh, he says, “I was on Netflix.”

Almost surprised, you say, “I didn’t know you were on Netflix, Charlie! That’s incredible. Was it a show or movie?”

“A show,” he says. “It’s called Julie and the Phantoms. We’re still waiting to be picked up for a second season but we trending in the top ten for a little bit on there after the show dropped in September last year.” Charlie tells you all about his time on set. He tells you about the show too, and you’re happy to hear that he was able to do two of the things he loves to do while being on the show.

You smile and ask, “Can I hear a song from the show? I know you have a guitar somewhere in this room. You never go anywhere without one.”

Charlie laughs and says, “You’re right.” He gets up and opens the closet door, pulling out a guitar he has stashed away in there. You laugh and shake your head. You know him too well sometimes.

He sits at the end of your bed and you cross your legs, looking at him. He pulls the guitar out of it’s case and he grabs a pick. He tunes the guitar before he looks at you.

“The song I’m about to play is song I wrote with my co-star, Madi,” he says. “It’s called Perfect Harmony. I may or may not have been kind of thinking of you when coming up with the lyrics.”

You smile and say, “Awe, I didn’t know you were such a romantic, Charlie.”

A laugh leaves Charlie’s lips as he begins to play the chords.

Step into my world Bittersweet love story about a girl Shook me to the core Voice like an angel, I've never heard before

As he plays, you sway to the music. You smile, having always enjoyed hearing his voice and watching him play guitar. He’d spend hours practicing or writing songs and you’d sit outside whatever room he was in or sit beside him while he sang and played.

Charlie looks at you occasionally as he plays, almost like he’s singing to you.

You set me free You and me together is more than chemistry Love me as I am I'll hold your music here inside my hands

You watch him intently, the smile never leaving your face as he plays. Hearing his voice again makes you so happy.

I feel your rhythm in my heart, yeah-yeah You are my brightest, burning star, woah-woah I never knew a love so real (So real) We're heaven on earth, melody and words

As he finishes up the song, you stop swaying and you look at him. Charlie finishes and he looks at you. He laughs a bit and says, “And that’s Perfect Harmony.”

“It’s beautiful,” you tell him. “And I’m not just saying that because you kind of wrote the song while thinking about me. I think it’s really good, Charlie. You’re so talented.”

Charlie’s face gets a little flustered and he says, “I’m just decent at guitar and decent at singing.”

You say, “You wouldn’t have landed a huge Netflix role if you weren’t crazy talented, Charlie. You know that right?”

He packs up his guitar and says, “You don’t have to lie to me like we’re still dating, Y/N.” Charlie gets up and puts his guitar back in the closet he took it about from. You get up and walk over to him.

When he turns around, he jumps a bit, startled that you were right there. You stare up at him and say, “I’m telling you right now that you are insanely talented. I’m face to face with you now so you can’t tell me that I’m lying.”

After a moment of staring up into Charlie’s eyes, he takes a step toward you. Your heart begins to race in your chest and you take a deep breath. You feel his fingers touch your hand and butterflies erupt in your belly. His callused fingers intertwine with yours and you gasp.

“Can I kiss you?” Charlie suddenly asks.

You nod slowly, tilting your head up. It’s been so long since Charlie’s kissed you, and you always loved his kisses. Whenever you were upset, he’d kiss your forehead or your cheek or your neck and you’d feel better almost immediately.

Charlie’s free hand comes up to your face, cupping your cheek. He leans down and ghosts his lips over yours hesitantly. You lean your head up as Charlie becomes more sure and crashes his lips to yours. You gasp softly before kissing him back. The kiss is slow and soft as you both take in the moment.

In the two years apart, you’ve never lost feelings for Charlie. You tried to date but it never worked out because you never were able to get over the only man you ever really loved. Being able to hold his hand and kiss him again feels heavenly.

Both of you stand like this for a few moments before you pull back, looking up at Charlie. He looks down at you and asks, “How long will you be in Los Angeles?”

You say, “I’m moving into my new apartment tomorrow. I just flew in a day early.”

He smiles and asks, “So you’re here permanently?”

“I’m here permanently,” you say, smiling. “So if you’re willing to try the relationship thing again then-”

Charlie cuts you off with another kiss, this one rougher than the last. You laugh as Charlie pulls back, saying, “Are you kidding? I’d love to try the relationship thing again. The only reason I’m staying with my friend is because I’m looking for a new apartment too.”

With a huge smile on both your faces, you wrap your arms around Charlie’s neck. You hug him tight and say, “Looks like we ended up finding our way back to each other.”

“Thank God,” Charlie says against your ear. You laugh.

You spend the night wrapped around Charlie in some way until you begin to fall asleep.

As you doze off to sleep, you hear Charlie begin to sing softly.

The truth is finally breaking through Two worlds collide when I'm with you Our voices rise and soar so high We come to life when we're In perfect harmony

A smile forms on your face as you snuggle against Charlie’s side, falling asleep in his arms.

[sierraraeck]

The Jailbird and the Mouse

Spencer x Fem!OC (Aundreya)

Masterlist

Summary: When Aundreya shows up to consult on a case, Spencer seems less than pleased to see her, but his actions tell a different story. Bonus chapter!

Category: Smut. Hate fuck. Apparently I’m incapable of writing a single thing without some angst, so we’ve got a sprinkle of that in there at the end, too.

Warnings: Cussing. Choking. Nicknames. Degradation. Cuffs are used. Unprotected penetration, female masturbating, oral (male receiving), fingering. Semi-public at the beginning.

Word Count: 8.5k

A/N: Okay so this is supposed to take place during How to Lose Friends when they are both in their fresh, post-prison forms and are beyond pissed at each other, but you don't have to have read that chapter or the series to understand this. Also, shoutout to @writing-in-april for looking this piece over and helping me make some edits!

Things to Know: All you really have to know is that Aundreya was a criminal who’d already been to and broken out of prison, joined the BAU, Spencer and her had a previous relationship, Aundreya got Spencer sent to prison, broke him out, then took the fall for something Spencer was being accused of that she didn’t do, getting herself sent to prison again.

I’d been called back to help the BAU solve a case. Fascinating how when it was convenient for them, I held some value. But, after that I was just easy to throw in a jail cell to be forgotten about.

I didn’t want to be there, but unfortunately I didn’t have a choice. So, I closed my eyes, and took a long, deep breath before forcing the door open. I had barely entered the room, barely had made eye contact with Hotch standing opposite me, before both my shoulder blades were shoved against the wall behind me, with long fingers wrapping around my throat.

“What is she doing here?” the hiss in Reid’s voice sounded exactly how I’d imagined it in my head preparing for this encounter. He looked almost as bad as me. His curls were going in a million directions, and I could only imagine the amount of times he’d run his hands through them, probably due to stress. His eyes were blood-shot, slightly puffy, and the dark bags underneath seemed more defined. The only thing that contrasted all of that, and let me know his head was still in it, was the darkness he now held in his eyes. There was nothing lighthearted or soft about them anymore, at least, not for the moment and certainly not for me. Plus, there was a red-hot rage I could see boiling at the surface. It was like looking in a funhouse mirror, a warped version of myself being reflected back to me. I’d seen the same fury and darkness in my eyes every morning that was in his now, and the irritation that radiated off him matched my own. Really, the only difference between Spencer and I, was he still had his gun and badge and I didn’t.

“I was invited to help consult,” I snapped through my somewhat restricted breath. “So you better get the fuck off me.”

He gave my throat one last tight squeeze before stepping back, his intense gaze never leaving me. I met his gaze with a wicked smile while brushing my fingers over where the ghost of his hand used to be. I wanted him to see that he didn’t affect me. Angry or not, he held no power in our dynamic anymore.

“Chambers, good to see you,” Derek mocked, giving me a side eye laced with suspicion.

“Can’t say I feel the same,” I deadpanned, then turning on Hotch. “So, why am I here?”

“We have reason to believe that a rogue gang member is kidnapping and killing ex-military if they refuse to join,” Hotch explained with seemingly no emotion, as if he was unaffected by my presence.

“Cool,” I deadpanned again before asking, “So why do you need me?”

“We wanted to know if you know anything or have heard anything-” Derek started.

“Heard anything?” I cut him off with a scoff, “You mean besides the constant clanging of metal bars when I’m not left in complete silence by myself? No, I haven’t heard anything.”

“Can you find them?” Spencer asked as if it would be a difficult task for me.

“So you do want my help,” I clarified.

“I want your skills.”

I let out a disgusted chuckle in response to his quip. Venom dripped from my words as I voiced my thoughts from only moments before stepping into the room. “Oh, I get it. You only want me around when it's convenient for you. Otherwise you just wanna give up on me and let me rot in a cell.”

“What was I supposed to do!”

“What were you supposed to do?” I asked in disbelief, eyes wide. “What were you supposed to do?” I mumbled to myself again in a mocking tone, rolling my eyes. I put my hands on the back of the empty chair in front of me I assumed had held Spencer at one point, and leaned in toward him. He’d retreated behind the table since releasing me, and I quietly snarled towards him, “I don’t know, but sitting there on your tiny, plushy ass, wasn’t it. I’m leaving.”

Spencer was back over to me in a flash, slamming his hand on the door before I could even reach for the handle. Someone got better reflexes. I cocked an eyebrow at him.

“We have a suspect list that we want you to review.” Hotch caught me before I pushed Spencer out of my way.

“Fine. Make it quick.” I looked over the list Hotch gave me that contained about 30 men, none of which rang any bells. “This was a waste of time.”

“Hold on, guys,” Garcia trotted in, “I just found something.” She was in such a rush that she initially didn’t see me, bee-lining it straight for Hotch. Handing the iPad over to him, her eyes lifted to take in the rest of the room. That’s when she noticed me. Her eyes grew to the size of beach balls, and her perfectly done lips hung open. I tried not to feel too hurt, knowing that my presence would come as a shock to her, but it still stung seeing her at a loss for words, possibly even scared. She’d really been the only person who still had any hope left for me, and I was starting to wonder if that was true anymore.

My voice softened as I greeted, “Hey, Penelope.”

She struggled for words, a few ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’ headed my direction, ultimately being saved by Hotch. “Dave, you’re with me. Prentiss, Morgan, I want you to go to the ME, Garcia we’ll need you on call, and JJ, Lewis, I want you to go talk to this man.”

“What about me?” Spencer asked.

“You’re going to stay here and watch her,” Hotch commanded. I started laughing at Spencer’s visible discomfort. Spencer glared at me before opening his mouth to argue, but Hotch stopped him with a voice filled with authority, “I know you won’t be able to focus out there if you know she’s still here unattended. Let’s go.”

When everyone had left and the door shut behind them, I sang, “Well if it isn’t Doctor Reid drawing the short end of the stick, yet again.”

“Just sit down and shut up,” he tried to order with confidence as he took his own advice, sitting as far away from me as possible. Not once had he looked me in the eyes since I’d initially walked in and he had attacked me. Sure, his eyes were on me, but they never connected with mine.

“Is that a demand, doctor?” I challenged him.

“No, but it could be. I just don’t want to be the one responsible for letting you get away.” He shrugged in his chair, resting the ankle of his leg on the knee of the other.

“So you’re just gonna trust me to do what you ask?” I questioned. Throughout the entire time I’d known Spencer, he’d never gotten super riled up over something, but this was a whole different Spencer, one that I didn’t recognize or know . He was more on edge, confident, and clearly willing to wrap his hand around my throat with no hesitation. A type of Spencer I was more than happy to get to know. And let’s face it, I’d been in prison for 15 months. There wasn’t a ton of action going on in there that I wanted to get involved with. I just wanted to see how far I could push him before he snapped. “You don’t trust me, and you know you can’t. I put you in prison, just because I could,” I shrugged, contradicting what I’d insinuated earlier for my own entertainment, “and you think that I won’t just walk away from you when given the chance?”

“You’ve had the chance. For the past three minutes and forty-six seconds you could have left and you didn’t. What’s keeping you here?” he smugly fired back. Oh yeah, he’s definitely going to be fun to mess with.

“What’s keeping you here?” I copied, “Why’d Hotch bench you again? Because you can’t focus when I’m around?”

“No one can focus with you around!” he huffed hotly.

“Not well, but they certainly can do better than what you’re doing right now,” I patronized, “What is it about me that makes you all so nervous, huh? I’m just another criminal who happens to be a former co-worker. I thought you were used to working with those day in and day out.”

“Criminals or co-workers?”

“Either.”

“None of them are like you,” he bit.

“Oh I know,” I ran my tongue over my lips, “So I’ll ask again, what is it about me that makes me so different?”

He looked up at me. In contrast to the first time he locked eyes with me, his expression was stone cold. “You were a part of this team, and you betrayed us. You betrayed me. I don’t know how I could’ve been so stupid to believe you were actually helping us! I just want to know why you picked me. You were going to take one of us down, why’d you choose me?” I could see the gears spinning in his head, and was about to answer when he frustratedly added, “Was it because you thought I’m the weakest?”

That’s it. That’s what’s always made him tick. And he used the present tense. We were still an entire table length apart, so I started slowly sauntering toward him. I prodded, “Is that what you think? You believe you’re the weakest on the team? Or do you just think that’s what I thought?”

“We all have our roles,” he responded, but not nearly as confident as he had been before.

“That’s not an answer,” I pushed.

“You still haven’t answered me, either,” he growled, and I decided to let this one go. We didn’t need to fully delve into his insecurities, no matter how much I wanted to.

“It was similar to that. You were the most afraid of me, I could smell it in the air.” I closed my eyes and pretended to revel in the stench of fear. “But, I could’ve gotten any one of them if I wanted.”

Spencer scoffed at that, “I think you overestimate your abilities.”

“I don’t,” I quickly fired back, “I could’ve gotten any of them, and to be honest, I was going to go after Derek, or maybe Emily, but then you spoke up from the corner of the room and I knew it had to be you.”

“Why?”

“Why this, Aundreya, and why that, Aundreya? Is that the only question you can ask?”

“Is it the only question you can’t answer?”

I was about halfway to him now, and decided to give him a little false hope. “I picked you, not because of your intellect, or how the rest of the team coddles you, or how relationship starved you are. I picked you because I could see something in your eyes that was different, something dark. And once I heard your full back story, I realized just how similar the two of us are.”

“We are nothing alike,” he insisted.

“Really? Because had you made one different choice or one thing went just a little bit wrong, you could have ended up just like me, with no family and no one to give a shit about you or what you do, except for the cops who just wanted you locked up and controlled.” I was dangerously close to him now, his head tilted to look at me, but he didn’t cower away. He actually seemed to welcome it. Which reminded me of something, “After knowing all of that, my past and everything I was, you still agreed to let me on your team.”

“I was the last person to say yes to you joining,” he informed me. This was news to me, but I couldn’t even be sure if he was telling me the truth. “I didn’t think it was a good idea for you to be working with us, but I was outnumbered and outranked.”

“No, you caved to their wishes,” I twisted his words to suit my needs, “Like you caved to mine.” I slowly reached down to place a hand on his chest. He eyed it all the way until I made contact with him, and it was like flipping a switch. He grabbed my wrist and held it close as he pushed out of his chair, the wheels spinning it wildly back into the monitor. He reached for my other wrist, which I let him grab, and held me against the wall, arms pinned next to my head. I did everything I could to not smirk. And he’s still caving.

“I didn’t want you here. I resisted the idea of you being around us,” he spat.

“Like you’re resisting the idea of being around me right now?” I arched an eyebrow, scanning him from head to toe, and I couldn’t help but let my gaze linger on a few spots. He opened his mouth to say something, but he shut it again, locking his jaw. I could see his genius mind at work, trying to come up with some way out of the little mouse trap I’d set up for him. I watched his eyes trail down to my lips and neck, soaking it all in. When his eyes met mine again, I tried to reach for him, but he forcefully slammed my hands back, pinning me to the wall again. Though, I wanted him to touch me this time. He was taking too long to make a move for my liking, so I decided if I couldn’t use my arms, I might as well use my legs.

All of his weight was already leaning toward me, so it wasn’t difficult to wrap my right leg around his waist and bring him all the way to me. The moment that they were within inches of my face, I attacked his lips. I was almost disappointed by the fact that he didn’t seem surprised at all, as if he knew how impatient I was and knew that I would force the first move. But, I wasn’t disappointed for long.

Spencer’s whole body was pressed against mine as he quickly swiped his tongue across my bottom lip, looking for entrance. I granted it, but I wasn’t going to give him the complete dominance that he wanted over the kiss. Instead, our tongues slid over each other’s searching for more than the other was willing to give. It was hot and messy, and he released his grip on my wrists, moving them to apply the same amount of force to my jaw. With my hands free, I made quick work of the buttons on his dress shirt, ripping it open. I was expecting skin and sighed when I found yet another shirt. This man and his layers.

Spencer took advantage of me sighing, giving him more access to my mouth, which I wanted to be annoyed about, but couldn’t care to be. I decided to make better use of my hands, running them down the sides of his body as he wrapped his behind my back. He pulled away from me so abruptly when I tried to massage him through his slacks, he basically dropped me on the floor. It was like being left out in a cold winter storm, just barely out of arm's reach of warmth.

Spencer shook his head, eyes on the floor, as if that would clear his mind of what clouded it, which was me. But I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. “There. You got what you wanted.”

I gaped at him before retorting, “We both know it wasn’t just me who got what I wanted. I’m sure you had a hard time pulling away.”

He glared at me as he rolled the chair back toward the desk and took a seat, “Not really. I have important work to do.”

I stood there staring at him trying to compose himself. His face was red and he tugged at his pants before crossing his leg over the other. I pressed my lips together, but still failed to contain the small laugh that escaped through my nose.

“Sure,” I mocked, “Especially since everyone else on the team is already doing that work for you.” He didn’t look up from whatever papers were on the table, trying in vain to ignore me, though I wasn’t ready to have his attention off me yet.

I shut the folder that he was in the middle of reading, not like he was actually reading it considering how long it was taking him to flip the page, and sat right on top of it. He was about to reach for it again, but retracted his hand at lightning speed when my legs got in the way. I flashed another mockingly sweet smile his way, but he looked out toward the window, right next to the wall I’d just come from. I swung my legs back and forth off the side of the table just a bit, careful not to completely kick Spencer in the shin, though I couldn’t help but let my toes accidentally tap him a few times. As with all of the other times I’d touched him, he moved out of the way, uncrossing his legs with a perfect foot-sized gap in between his knees. I rested my foot in that small gap on the chair, rolling his body closer to me. Then, for no other reason than wanting to feel him squirm underneath me, I plopped down on his lap, my legs straddling his. I pretty much had him locked in his seat.

“What are you doing?” he questioned, a look of complete indifference gracing his face, but I knew it was just a front.

“Just making sure you’re doing your job,” I replied, winking at him.

“And… how do you think this is helping me do my job?”

“I’m making sure you’re paying attention to me,” I whispered in his ear seductively, lacing my fingers together on the back of his neck, “Plus, I’m doing what you asked me to. How did you put it? Sit down and shut-”

Using his thumb and forefinger, he pinched my cheeks and brought my lips to his forcefully. The kiss was just as hungry as the last, teeth clashing and tongues furiously fighting. He moved his long fingers onto my hips with a bruising grip, which I had absentmindedly started grinding against his. He pulled away from me for a moment, and his harsh tone reminded me that this was nothing like the last time we’d been together, when we’d both been a bit more innocent. “You never did have any manners at work.”

I smirked, “I know. Imagine my manners at home.”

A low, almost inaudible groan came from Spencer’s throat at my suggestion, but he tried to cover it up by moving my hair out of the way and latching his lips onto the side of my neck. I gasped at the contact of his teeth pulling at my soft flesh, paired with the feeling of his growing bulge pressed against my core. His fingers gripped my hips harder and moved them faster, drawing a small whimper from my lips. I felt him smile as he trailed kisses down my neck to my collar bone, leaving a single bite mark there. I tried so hard to contain my high-pitched moan when he moved one of his hands from my waist to pinch one of my nipples through my shirt.

But I was supposed to be the clear-headed one, so I forced myself to not get too wrapped up in the feeling. If I wanted to get to my end goal, I was going to have to leave him wanting more, which unfortunately in turn meant leaving myself in the same condition.

My hips had gotten faster along with Spencer’s hands, but when I felt him start to buck his hips up against me, I knew that he was getting close and it had to end. Immediately, I stopped my movements and untangled myself from him, but not before dragging a finger up the column of his throat, sneering, “Too bad. I could’ve helped you, had you done anything to help me.”

I left that open for interpretation, either as a jab to his masculinity or to what started my rage in the first place: being left in prison. He didn’t ask for clarification either, clearly too bothered by being left on edge. He did, however, follow up with, “Help you? Why would I want to do that? You’re a terrible person.”

I grinned as if receiving a medal of honor, “That I am, Doctor.”

I moved the lay down on the couch while Spencer attempted to refocus on his work. I made a show of sighing a couple times and rolling around ‘to find a comfortable position’ on the couch, just to piss him off. I could tell it was working based on his clenched fists turning white, and the way his leg was jumping. He was resting his head in his hand, which almost perfectly shielded my face from his.

He still wasn’t turning the page, so I offered, “Can you flip the page by yourself, or do you need some help?”

He wasn’t given the opportunity to respond, because Hotch, followed by most of the team, came barreling through the door.

“Colby Ulton, 43 years old, has a long record and wasn’t home,” JJ announced, following Hotch. It’d been a while since I had to deal with their inhuman pace when it came to talking about unsubs and profiles, so most of the stuff they said next flew over my head.

I was way behind in the conversation, but none of that mattered when Hotch turned to me, “Colby Ulton. I want you on him.” He'd barely gotten the command out before I was reaching for the door handle.

“I don’t.” The words were hot and dry and coming from none other than Doctor Reid. I rolled my eyes. He moved to step in front of the door, blocking my passage out again, leaning casually with his back against it, arms crossed. Our faces were barely centimeters apart.

“Why not?” I asked in a mock-curious voice.

“I don’t trust you. Who’s to say you won’t just run off? Then we’d let a high-profile criminal walk free. Plus, we’re not even sure he’s the right man,” Spencer pointed out. I was going to point out how I had just made that same argument about me leaving, and he refuted it himself only to bring it back up now, but I didn’t get the chance.

“He’s the best we’ve got right now,” Derek countered. I could tell he sort of just wanted me out of the room, but Spencer’s motives appeared very different.

He never took his eyes off of mine as he recited, “We think it’s a rogue gang member who’s either left or been kicked out within the past year. Ulton’s been in prison, which could mean he’s gone rogue, or it could mean he’s joined a new gang, one that, as you probably know, wouldn’t allow this type of acting out. Either way, he hasn’t demonstrated gang affiliated behavior in almost three years. Not to mention he had his tattoo removed and is out of our age range. I don’t think putting her on, most likely, the wrong man’s trail is worth the risk of letting her walk free.”

The room was silent as we all waited for someone else to make the first move. I decided to be that person. “So what do you suggest they do with me, hm?” I questioned, walking my two fingers up his chest with each word. Then I leaned in and made it very clear, “Because I am not going back to prison.”

I bit his earlobe on the way back, and I saw the way his pupils dilated just slightly at the feeling, “I’ll watch her for the night.”

“What?” Derek and I said at the same time, but our facial expressions were very different.

“Yes,” he stated, more confidently now, “She has nothing to do right now, but we might need her later in the investigation, so sending her all the way back to prison doesn’t make sense.”

“And you'll make sure she doesn’t escape?” Derek questioned.

“She hasn’t so far, has she?” Spencer challenged. When he got unnerved looks from the rest of the team, he assured, shooting a small smirk my way, “Trust me, she won’t.” How cute. He thinks he can wrap his skinny little fingers around my neck and pull a moan from me once, and all the sudden he’s in control. He switched our position, pinning me up against the door, clasping the handcuffs back around my wrists in front of me. I was starting to think he had a thing for pushing people into walls. It was his turn to whisper in my ear, “And you won't want to.”

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

When we arrived back at his apartment, I took a moment to survey the room. It looked almost exactly as it had the last time I’d been there. Books piled up everywhere, papers strewn all over the desk, a little dark and dusty, maybe a bit more worn, but nothing too out of the ordinary. The only difference was that it no longer suited him as well anymore. He used to be this shy, studious, loner-type that didn’t really like people, and he had a certain innocence about him. There was nothing innocent about him anymore. He didn’t seem shy either, much more confident; still studious and a loner though. However, I bet he liked having at least one person over at all times, or not being home at all. It meant that he didn’t have to be alone with his own mind, and after being in solitude myself, and knowing that he’d been in there too, that feeling of complete silence, utter aloneness, was something we’d never want to experience again. We were honestly perfect for each other in that way.

The other thing I’d noticed, based on what I'd seen of him within the last few hours and what I knew prison could do to a person, I guessed he went off of instinct rather than intelligence more than he ever had in his life.

Spencer had to take the time to shrug off his satchel and kick off his shoes, neither of which I even had. All I had was myself and what I was wearing, which wasn’t much. At least I wasn’t in an orange jumpsuit anymore.

“Wow, you’ve really renovated the place,” I snickered. Spencer didn’t say anything, just rolled his eyes and brushed past me. I forced my wrists outward a couple times, making a clanking sound with the cuffs, asking, “You gonna take these off?”

He faced me with a smirk and shook his head slightly, “Don’t think so.” Pulling out a chair at the puny kitchen table, he sat down, and I felt like we were much in the same position we’d been in at the office. I was in his home turf, if I could even call it that, but I wasn’t just going to let him be in charge.

I decided to go straight for the jugular, “Why’d you bring me home, Spence?”

“This isn’t home, not for you,” he snapped.

I scoffed, “Doesn’t look like it is for you, either, but that doesn’t change the question.”

“I told you. I didn’t want to risk you running away.”

“You didn’t want to lose me?” I inquired. He could hear the way I was rephrasing it to change the narrative, not like I was wrong, but he successfully dodged it.

“I didn’t want to lose an asset over the wrong man, tipping the right one off, and potentially risking him going underground. I’m just trying to catch an unsub,” he shrugged.

“You’ve got an answer for everything, don’t you?” I shook my head in amusement.

“You don’t?” he cocked an eyebrow.

“Of course I do,” I quickly answered.

“Then answer this,” Spencer squared his shoulders, now completely facing me, “Why didn’t you run the moment you got the chance?”

“I had three FBI personnel in the car with me, then a team of BAU agents surrounding me, and then was left alone in the same room as an agent who can shoot 100 on his test. I am many things, but I am not stupid nor am I suicidal.”

“How’d you know I shot 100?” Spencer followed up.

I smiled, “I know things.”

“How about all the chances you got when you were in prison? You’ve broken out plenty of times before, why not do it again?” He was leaning forward, and he seemed genuinely curious.

It was a good question, one that I actually hadn’t pre-thought the answer to. Frankly, I wasn’t expecting to even make it this far. “I was biding my time.”

“For..?”

“Leverage.” It was a simple word, but one that seemed to make a great impact. Spencer leaned back in his chair and contemplated my answer. It wasn’t a complete lie either, I just didn’t want to give away too many details.

Spencer finally whispered, “Against?”

I flashed him a wicked smile. “You.” His face contorted into something I couldn’t fully recognize, eyes narrowing. “You, Spencer. I’ve been waiting for you to make an error, a mistake. That was the one flaw in my plan, that while I picked the easiest to emotionally manipulate, I picked the hardest to mentally manipulate. And you don’t make very many mental mistakes, do you Spencer?” I asked, approaching him. I’m really hoping you’d like to cash one in right now, though. I could practically see the internal argument being fought inside Spencer’s head; one side telling him to give in, it wasn’t that bad, the other telling him to resist, that somehow, this would corrupt him further. I needed the former to win. “You wouldn’t let yourself get caught up in the moment, would you? You wouldn’t crack, take what you want, what you need, what you deserve against your better judgement. Because you’re all brain, Spencer. All brain, and no heart.”

That’s what did it.

Spencer literally swept me off my feet, tossing me onto the couch like a rag doll. His hand returned to my throat as if it belonged there, and he pushed open my legs with his knees. My hands may have been cuffed, but they could still be useful. I moved them to start unbuttoning his shirt when he swatted them away. He spat, “I’m not heartless. Not like you.”

“No,” I agreed, “You’re worse. At least I can admit to what I am. You just hide behind a badge and gun.”

Spencer shoved two fingers in my mouth, probably trying to shut me up. I smirked, running my tongue up and down the long digits, making sure to give him a preview of what was to come if he’d let it. His other hand trailed down the side of my body until it reached the waistband of the pants I was wearing. Forcefully, he yanked them down, taking my panties with them. I knew I was already pooling, but of course he had to rub it in. Snarky, he mocked, “For someone who talks a big game, you’re already looking pretty weak.”

I silently cursed my body for finding him arousing, and was about to have to come up with a clever comment when I saw Spencer pause. He was charging straight into this, and then he just stopped. I tilted my head, “Worried you don’t have it in you?”

Spencer met my eyes, and cooly stated, “I’m not going to let you be my mistake.”

Dammit. When I felt him start to pull away, I knew I had to say something to get him to stay. I needed to turn this into an advantage in his eyes, not just mine. “Why? So you can let this rage build up inside of you, eat away at your every thought, until you snap? What then? You lash out during a case, which causes someone to die, either because of your incapabilities or at your hand? And what for? Because you’re still mad at me? I’m right here in front of you, Spencer! You’re never going to get a chance like this again, so just do something!” By the end, it was a plea, and one that was brutally answered.

Spencer pushed two of his fingers inside me, already moving at a quick pace. I let out a small yelp at the sensation which clearly pleased Spencer. I attempted to refocus on unbuttoning his shirt, which became increasingly difficult because of how he was curling his fingers to hit that spot just right. I barely finished, pushing his shirt away from his shoulders when he leaned away from me, taking both of his fingers with him. I was about to complain until I saw him dropping his shirt to the ground and unbuckling his belt, pushing his own pants and underwear out of the way in a similar fashion as he’d done to mine. He pumped his fist over his shaft a couple of times before lining himself up between my wide open legs. He teased my clit with the tip of his cock, and I could feel the precum beading there. I bit my lip as I looked up at him.

Spencer’s eyes were blown when he quietly demanded, “Say it.” He wants me to beg. I was okay with him thinking he was in charge for now, so I played into it by shaking my head. He slammed my cuffed wrists against the arm of the couch just above my head, bringing his face so close I could feel his lips brush mine as he repeated, “Say it.”

It was more forceful the second time, and something about his hot breath on my face and the feeling of his hips trying, and failing, to stay still against mine pulled a whimper all too genuine from my lips, “Punish me.”

At my words, he slammed his cock in my entrance, setting a merciless pace. With no time to adjust to his length, the heat burning between my legs got fiercer. The sounds of his hips hitting mine filled the room, both of us trying to control our moans, not wanting the other to know how much we were really enjoying it. My back arched off the couch, sending my fingers over the arm, brushing over thin objects on the small table there. A pen and paper clip.

I pressed my lips together to contain the grin that just about took over my face. Looking down at Spencer, who was way too busy biting marks into my skin, I could tell he hadn’t noticed the detrimental error I’d just realized he’d made. I made quick work of unclasping the cuffs from around my wrists, but left them on loosely just for show.

The coil in my stomach was getting tighter and tighter, and while I usually would have tried to control myself, I let the moans tear through my lungs. This caught Spencer’s attention, perring up at me with a twinkle in his eyes, one that told me he thought he had me. He mouthed into my neck, “This too much for you to handle, Jailbird?”

I scoffed at his pet name. Alright Doctor Reid, you’ve had your fun. Now let me show you how to really be in charge. “Not in the slightest, Mouse,” I quipped. Before he could think, I wrapped my legs around his waist, and put my hands on the back of his head. I flipped us off the side of the couch, landing on top of Spencer. With the wind knocked out of him, I quickly grabbed his wrist, clasping one of the cuffs around it, looping the chain behind the couch leg, then synching the other around his free wrist. I placed his head on the ground and leaned back, tracing patterns on his chest.

It took him a moment to realize what had just happened, but I saw the moment the light went off. “You filthy bitch.”

I chuckled, “It seems as though that genius memory of yours forgot that I’m a criminally sound escape artist.”

He was fuming, but contained himself long enough to ask, “What changed?” I raised an eyebrow at him. “Since last time? You had no problem letting me take control then.”

I simply stated with disgust, “I was soft then.”

“Who’s to say you aren’t still now?” Spencer challenged.

I laced my fingers with his as I pinned them to the ground, my turn to be the one looking down on him, faces only centimeters apart. We locked eyes as I explained, “You can see it too, I know you can. I wake up and see it in the mirror every day, and I see it in you too now. It’s in your eyes. That darkness. That feeling of destruction, of being broken, of being a monster. It’s there. I can see it like it’s my own.”

I expected him to snap at me. To argue with a clever quip. But he didn’t. Spencer leaned up as far as he could and kissed me. Not in the angry, predatory-like way that we had earlier, but really kissed me. I was so taken aback by the gesture that I practically jumped off him after a few seconds. I hated myself for letting it happen for even that long.

I stormed away from him, hissing, “Don’t try to get my sympathy now that you’re the one chained like a dirty animal. I’m not gonna fall for it.”

I saw something quick flash across his face before it hardened again. I could feel his eyes following my every move as I walked away, so I decided to make a show of it. I swished my hips back and forth, and even bent all the way over to pick up our clothes for no reason, just so he could have a perfect view between my legs. I heard the rattle of the cuffs against the couch and smirked to myself.

Tossing the clothes as far away as possible, I reached under my shirt to unclasp my bra, slipping it out one of the arm holes. I spun it around my index finger a couple of times before letting it fly off in the direction of the rest of our clothes. Toying with the hem of my shirt, I rhythmically moved it around my body so that he could only see some exposed skin at a time. I slowly pulled it higher and higher until I removed the garment completely. Standing completely bare in front of him, looking down on his naked body, I’d never felt more in control.

Spencer was drilling holes into me as I got down on my knees, crawling toward him. Again, his hands shot forward only to be stopped by the metal. I tutted, “Now, now, Mouse. That’s not how this works.”

I stroked a single finger up his length, and when it brushed over the tip, he squeezed his eyes shut. I wetted my lips as I wrapped a single hand around his cock, starting at an agonizingly slow pace, a stark contrast to the one he’d set earlier. I had barely started moving at a faster pace when Spencer started to buck his hips up into my hand. I slammed his hips back down with my other arm, giving him a cold look. His hips stilled and I knew he was getting desperate.

I flattened my palm against his lower belly, making sure he’d stay in place as I steadily picked up the pace. Spencer threw his head back when I swiped my tongue over his tip, and huffed when I retracted my hands, breaking contact all together.

I hummed, “Actually, this isn’t that interesting.” I scooted back on the floor, holding eye contact with his piercing irises as I spread my legs wide open for him to see. Neither one of us has had our release yet, so I might as well take mine and leave him high and dry.

I brushed my fingertips down my body, cupping my breasts on the way, until I reached my clit. I started to rub circles over the bundle of nerves, not realizing how close I already was. I let out exaggerated moans as I continued my ministrations, steadily pushing myself toward the edge.

“Stop.” It was barely a whisper, and I wasn’t sure if I even heard it, so I ignored it. Right as another moan ripped through my lungs, I heard Spencer say, louder and more demanding this time, “Stop.”

I was too close to stop. I barely had the mental capacity to smirk down at him before I felt my release crash over me like a tidal wave. For dramatic effect, I whined out Spencer’s name as my walls clenched around nothing, helping myself through my orgasm. Slowly coming down from my high, my head lulled back, release seeping into his rug.

Barely allowing myself to catch my breath, I leaned forward onto my knees, and looked at Spencer’s face, which was red with anger or desperation I couldn’t tell, but brought my lips down on his dick regardless. He grunted at the sensation, and I could feel the heat radiating off of him. I swirled my tongue around him until I couldn’t anymore, opting to just trace a protruding vein instead. I started to hollow out my cheeks when he bucked up into me, forcing me to take all of him in at once. He groaned when I started gagging around his length, and when I coughed after pulling off him, he had the audacity to laugh.

“Having trouble there, Jailbird?” Spencer smugly asked. I looked down at his length laying against his stomach and saw that it was a deep red, and had to have been painfully hard at that point. With that in mind, along with my recent release, I crawled over him.

I looked at him as I hovered my pussy just above his cock. “I wouldn’t be worried about me. I’d be worried about how you’re gonna take care of yourself with your hands cuffed if I decided I’m done with you.”

That threat wiped the smug look right off his face. I was already wet again, and allowed him to only barely feel what was waiting for him if he behaved, lowering myself down so his length was just brushing my lips.

His face contorted and then he said the word of my victory, “Please.”

Taking hold of his cock in one hand, I lined myself up, and slowly sunk down. He filled me up completely, a bit thicker than I remembered, and I sat comfortably in his lap. This was clearly what Spencer wanted, but there was no way in hell it was going to be that easy. I just sat there looking at him, and based on the crazed look on his face, he was expecting me to start moving immediately.

We stared each other down for a moment before his whole body jerked forward, hands yanking on the cuffs. It was my turn to laugh at his pathetic struggles, but I still didn’t have quite what I wanted yet. Raising my hips up, I quickly slammed them down, pulling the loudest groan I’d heard from Spencer. When I didn’t move again, he started squirming underneath me, and I asked, “What is it you want me to do, Mouse?”

Then he broke, his strangled pleas music to my ears, “God, fuck me, please, just fuck me!”

I grinned as I captured his lips in a vicious kiss, pulling his bottom lip between my teeth. Steadying myself with my palm on his chest, I lifted my hips up, only to let them fall back into his lap. I started slower than either of us wanted, letting myself adjust to his full size before bouncing freely on his dick. The sounds of our heavy moans filled the air, sweat collecting on our bodies.

I was honestly surprised at how long Spencer had lasted when he let out one final shriek before coming undone below me. He’d given up, completely relaxed on the floor as I started chasing my second orgasm. Spencer peered up at me through hooded eyes, and soon enough starting letting out cries, and I knew I was pushing him. I didn’t want to completely overwhelm him but I was so close…

I wouldn’t get there, not yet anyway, because Spencer did something I was not expecting. The couch hit the floor with a loud thud, giving Spencer the freedom to move his arms. He wrapped the chain of the cuffs around the back of my neck and flipped me over in one swift motion, almost identical to how I’d just done it to him.

I was completely caught off guard, and let a surprised squeak leave my lips. I was almost impressed. Almost.

As if he could see straight into my mind, Spencer remarked, “I’m a quick study.” His entire body weight was over me, and there was very little wiggle room for an escape.

I followed Spencer’s eyes as he scanned around the room, glanced at his wrists, then sighed when he spotted his pants. Must’ve been where he put the key.

I raised my pitch and snidely sang like a schoolgirl, “Whatcha gonna do Mouse? You gonna fuck me like the inmate you are, or are you gonna free yourself, hm?”

Pressing his hands down on either side of my perfectly laid out ones above my head, the chain between the cuffs digging into my forearms, he chided, “I’m sure I can handle you just fine with them on. I’m not quite done with you yet, Jailbird.”

My walls fluttered around his cock at the gravelly sound of his voice and the threat that accompanied it. It’s as if he’s chained to me. I shuddered happily at the thought.

“Is that what this is about?” Spencer hissed, clearly catching my pleased look and the way my pussy pulled him in a little more at his harsh words, “You just enjoy seeing me as some twisted killer?”

“I enjoy seeing you for who you truly are.”

I wasn’t able to form another coherent thought after that one, the pace Spencer was pounding into me like one I’d never felt. He fucked his cum from only seconds ago back into me, the wet sound of our mixing fluids filling the room. I could barely focus on where his hands had moved to, teasing my nipples, because the fire between my legs was jumping higher and higher. As it finally burned through me in the sweetest way possible, I reached to grab onto anything, the first thing my fingers found being Spencer’s hair. He growled when I tugged, but his pace never let up.

As I came down from my high, Spencer didn’t stop. The feelings were becoming too strong, too overpowering, pleasure bordering on pain. I tried to pull my hips away from his, but there was nothing I could do. To stop my squirming, he sat back slightly and pressed his large palms down on my hip bones. Moving also changed the angle he was slamming into me, now bottoming out with each thrust. I needed some reprieve.

“Spencer,” I whined, but there was a nothingness in his eyes.

His hands snaked up to my throat, applying massive pressure to my windpipe. “Is this what you wanted?” Spencer yelled, “Is this what you think I truly am?”

I was having trouble getting the air into my lungs, let alone respond. I wanted to force him to face his reality of being an ex-con, knowing how shitty it was to be on the inside and just letting me sit in there. A consequence of my own actions, but considering I was doing it to save him, I was looking for a little bit more effort on the getting out process.

But he’d left me in there. He didn’t care. He didn’t care despite the fact that he knew what I was going through, that I could tell he was still dealing with his own PTSD and not well, and that everything had changed for him. People looked at him and treated him differently. He was a different person. Corrupt. And he’d only been in there for not even three months.

I’d been in there for five times as long.

I wanted him to realize just how much damage him and his useless team were doing to me by not helping me get out. I wanted him to realize how fucked up that was, and how terrible of a person that made him. I wanted him to realize he was just as big of a monster as I was.

I accomplished that. But I underestimated how much darkness he’d really been holding back.

My head started to feel light, and I could tell I was on the brink of my third release. The sound of skin slapping skin was sinful and I couldn’t focus on anything other than the feeling of his tip hitting my a-spot, the way my legs were shaking around his body, the way the muscles in his back felt against my nails as I clawed them down it. My release came quicker than Spencer’s, who wasn’t too far behind me. His thrusts became shallower, as he spilled into me for the second time. It was as if all the energy had been drained out of me in an instant, along with my anger and hatred. Spencer rolled off of me, and I saw his figure weakly collapse to the ground.

It was an eerie calm, the sound of absolute nothingness, the only disturbance being our labored breathing.

I didn’t know how long it’d been when Spencer’s voice, the softest I’d heard it since the day’s start, whispered, “Are you okay?”

I glanced at him with a confused look. He let out a small sigh at my non response, collecting himself before walking over to his long forgotten pants for the cuffs key. After freeing his wrists, he walked back over to me and helped me up, ushering me to the bathroom.

I could tell he was examining me, but it wasn’t until I stood in front of the mirror that I realized why. “Look at those bruises around your neck, Jailbird. They suit you.”

The bruises were deep and already turning a nice purple. I scanned the rest of me finding more bruises on my hips, thighs, shoulders, wrists, and not to mention the bite mark on my collar. I scanned Spencer next, his only bruises coming from his wrists and the red marks I left on his back. “I wasn’t expecting that from you.”

He met my eyes in the mirror, “What were you expecting?”

I shook my head, “I don’t know.” I truly didn’t. I went into it knowing I wanted to force him to see everything he had, everything he was, but I guess I didn’t really think about what that would force me to see. My exhaustion started to give way to a heap of emotions, and a single, involuntary tear escaped my eye. Spencer brushed his fingers over my neck, simultaneously pulling my hair behind my shoulder.

He kissed the tender, bruised skin, and I remembered the times before, the times when it felt like we’d really been in love. I felt his breath on me as he mumbled, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

I turned on my heels to face him, “You didn’t.”

I didn’t know what compelled him to confess what I never thought he would, but he sounded deeply ashamed when admitting, “I wanted to.”

“What stopped you?” I was genuinely curious. We’d hurt each other in the most extreme ways before today, getting the other sent to a cage in hell, betraying each other.

“I’m broken, but I’m not beyond repair, and hurting you would make me someone that I don’t want to be.”

I gave him a tired smile, and all I could muster was, “Pretty convincing.”

“I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“Don’t be, you didn’t. You couldn’t,” I assured him. It was the truth.

“I should’ve,” he bit, looking down at his hands, which were so delicately holding my waist I couldn’t be sure he was even touching me.

“Why?” I questioned, the seriousness evident in my voice, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He shook his head, and a stray curl or two tickled my forehead. “I could’ve.”

“I trusted you not to.” I clasped my hands together and rested them on his back.

Spencer’s shaky voice matched his glistening eyes as they locked with mine, “I just wasn’t sure. All I know is that I scare myself sometimes.”

I pressed my forehead against his own, “Well, then I guess we’re two people who have nothing to fear other than ourselves.”

Read the full series

Taging some people:

@justanothetfangirl @kris-stuff @blameitonthenight21 @wooya1224 @unded-bride @swiftingday @dezzxmx @andiebeaword @psychicdonuts @aperrywilliams @goldentournesol @homoose

[hqbaby]

𝐢 𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐢 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐞𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 | 𝐭𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐬 (𝐬𝐞𝐦𝐢 𝐞𝐢𝐭𝐚 𝐱 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐧!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

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(written portion! you can find a summary at the bottom if you have difficulty or simply don't feel like reading large chunks of text<33 word count: 789)

> i wish i never met you

“She’s coming here?” Tendou exclaimed, eyes frantic as he looked around the cluttered room. “Are you sure you want her to do that?”

“Well, she’s coming here whether I want her to or not,” Semi huffed as he picked up stray cans of soda that the team had left in his room during their last movie night… a week ago. “Besides, it’s not that bad, is it?”

Ushijima surveyed the room from his place by the door with his arms crossed and his lips pulled into a frown. He nodded. “It is bad.”

Semi cringed at the captain’s words as Tendou let out a loud and boisterous laugh.

“It’s alright,” the middle blocker said. “It’s not like she’s a super rich and famous popstar or anything. Or your crush.”

“Tendou, I swear—"

“Swearing’s kinda bad, don’t you think?”

All three boys turned their attention to you, hood pulled over your head as you peeked into Semi’s dorm through the window. You wore a devilish grin as you hoisted yourself into the room and settled on top of the desk. Although you looked very much like someone breaking in, you were armed with nothing but a synthesizer, your phone, and, the boys learned as they watched your feet dangle off the desk, one shoe. Whether you’d left the house with only one shoe on or had somehow lost the other on the way remained to be seen.

“I guess we’ll be going now!” Tendou sung, linking his arm with Ushijima and walking out of the dorm.

“Nice place you got here,” you teased. “The unmade bed is a nice touch.”

“I guess I was inspired after seeing your bed,” Semi shot back, reaching into his closet and pulling out a guitar. “You said you had a song?”

The two of you settled on the floor, Semi silently thanking his mom for reminding him to vacuum the day before. You were quiet for a moment, fiddling with your synthesizer and bitting your lower lip in concentration as Semi tuned his guitar, strumming aimlessly as he waited for you to finish.

“Okay,” you said, looking up at him with a look of pride. You pressed a button and the beat went off.

Semi played around with a few chords as you pulled out your phone to record. Eventually, he settled on a sound he liked and looked up at you expectantly.

There was something different about you that night. He noticed it when he first saw you come in, an extra spring in your step and a permeating aura of confidence to your voice. But he hadn’t really recognized what it was until he saw you smile. Your smile, unlike all your other smiles before, was a smile of pure, unadulterated joy. It was the smile of someone who had never experienced happiness such as this before. It was the smile of someone who was at peace. It was the smile of someone who was free.

And, watching as you broke into a smile, Semi was certain that something had changed.

summer nights so serene, fell apart at the seam.

You pressed a few keys on the synthesizer and joined Semi’s guitar with a bass line, the two of you focused on playing as you sang a few more lines. Then, the chorus hit.

i wish i knew forever would end so soon.

Semi tried to keep himself from stopping to ask you what that meant.

i wish i never kissed you in my living room.

The words sounded true but he refused to believe them.

you wonder how i’m doing, well here’s a clue.

He waited for your next words with baited breath, looking at his guitar to avoid looking at you.

i wish i never met you.

After trying to keep quiet for the next few verses, Semi found himself at the end of the song. He refused to look up at you, staring instead at the clock on his wall that read 11:11.

You saw him avoiding your gaze so you decided, well, you’d come this far. “I know,” you said and Semi snapped his eyes onto yours. “I know you would be good to me.”

He would’ve kissed you. He really would’ve. If you hadn’t started crying.

So, instead, Semi put his guitar down and shuffled on his knees over to you. He pulled you to his chest and held you tight. He could’ve kissed you but he knew he didn’t need to. Not when you were there, already giving him more than he could ever dream.

“I’m glad I met you, Semi,” you whispered into his chest. You felt it rumble as he chuckled in relief.

“Eita,” he corrected. “And I’m glad I met you too, Y/N.”

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: After her breakup with her toxic ex-boyfriend, Y/N comes to Semi and writes a song renouncing her previous relationship. They affirm their feelings for one another.

a/n: and that's part 2 of today's update! as always, it's been a blast<3

taglist: @phieaa @juriesss @yungkbri @simplyarayofsunshine @succulentmom @strawberryw1ne @gummimint @littybugz (if your name is in bold that means i can't tag you)

☏ 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐮𝐩𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬

[sazc94]

Pietro and Bunny

HELLO

Here is my second entry for the wonderful @msmarvelwrites 2k Challenge.

This a spin-off from my Bucky fic: The three times Bucky broke your heart. Part 1 linked Here.

It follows the same timeline and explores the relationship of Pietro and Reader (Bunny) More.

Words 6034

Themes. Angst, Suggestions of smut. But mostly lots and lots of fluff. 18+ Because of the smut suggestions.

This has two parts and I will upload part 2 tomorrow.

𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰, 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲?"

Pietro thought you were pretty cool. He thought you and Bucky made a great couple. He enjoyed hanging out with you when you would all hang out as a group. Pietro wasn’t one for girlfriends. Sure he’d had a few semi-serious flings and would occasionally bring a date to the parties after a game and loved how you would instantly make anyone feel welcome. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment he started to think of you as more than a friend. It was sometime during his senior year.

At first, he pushed the idea out of his head. You were Bucky’s girl Y/N! You were the cute shy girl Bucky had brought out of her shell, who was still deep down that adorable musical theatre-loving dork. However, when Bucky started getting defensive around him and Sam about who he was texting, Pietro stopped feeling so bad about liking you of course Pietro would never do anything to jeopardize your relationship with Bucky and his friendships with either of you, but he couldn’t help but feel a tang of jealousy towards Bucky.

2010

“Look at Bucky, can’t go 5 minutes without texting his little cheerleader,” Sam said walking up behind Pietro. Bucky was too engrossed in his phone to pay any attention to the pair of them. Pietro smirked.

“Sam, watch this” Pietro said, before breezing over to Bucky and pulling his phone out of his hands. Bucky instantly shot up trying to grab the phone from Pietro, however, he was too quick throwing the phone to Sam.

“Dear Doll, I love you so much and all thought I only saw you this morning, I am already missing you” Pietro sang in a teasing manner.

“Come on guy’s give it back” Bucky grunted. Sam and Pietro kept throwing the phone between them. Suddenly Sam stopped laughing.

“Hey Buck, who’s Nat and why is she asking if you’re going to be around this summer?” Sam asked his eyebrow shooting up. Bucky’s façade faltered for a second. His usual bright blue eyes deepening with an unfamiliar expression. Pietro’s interest was also piqued, he may have wanted you for himself but that didn’t mean he wanted to see you get hurt.

“Oh, she’s just a friend of Jane’s. I met her at that party after our game in Green Bay last year she’s a cheerleader like Jane and Y/N. Natasha and her boyfriend Clint will be in town the summer and she wants to introduce us apparently her boyfriend was impressed with how we played” Bucky said, shrugging it off like it was no big deal. After that incident, Bucky was on his phone around the football team less and started talking about how much he loved you and couldn’t wait to spend some quality time with you in the summer.

November 2011

By the time graduation rolled around Pietro had put any thoughts about the pair of you out of his mind, chalking it up to wanting a relationship as opposed to you. At least that’s what he kept telling himself. You came along to his graduation ceremony. Well, it was for everyone. Pietro, Sam, Wanda, Jane, and Carol. Bucky came along too. Late. But you were there with Peter Parker who was a freshman, he had talent, but he seemed to prefer being behind a camera as opposed to on the field.

The whole gang hung around the field and bleachers after the ceremony. Goofing off and enjoying the last time the group would all be together like this for a while. Peter took photos of you all. Pietro’s favourite was one where he and Sam had picked you up whilst you were in the middle of talking to Carol and Wanda. The laughter that came out of your mouth as you squealed and shouted for the two footballers to put you down made his heart flutter.

Okay so maybe he wasn’t as over you as he told himself he was. Now he could understand what that Taylor Swift was banging on about in that song of hers.

Have you ever thought just maybe?

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Bucky’s girl,” he said grinning at you. For some stupid reason, probably because Pietro didn’t know what to do with his hands, he ruffled your hair like you were 5 again. He couldn’t help but notice you wince at the old pet name. He mentally kicked himself. Why had he called you that?!

Graduation was the last time he saw you for over a year. Unlike Bucky, Pietro had actually been away at a football camp when Bucky had cheated on you. He didn’t know what had happened. Only knew you two had broken up. Wanda was fiercely protective of her friendship with you and didn’t want to betray you by admitting to those that didn’t know that Bucky had cheated on you. He wasn’t going to lie; he was saddened when you didn’t stay in touch with him after he graduated. But after he started his first year at the University of Michigan, he didn’t have much time to worry about it. He was a Line Backer having secured a football scholarship after college scouts came to see Sam and a few others play, Pietro had caught the eye of the scout from the University of Michigan, all though he was a great player, Pietro didn’t want to play professionally like many of the guys on the team. He was studying Business and Economics.

Since about the age of 15, he and Wanda had always planned on going into business together. Between parties, flirting with the pretty cheerleaders and sorority girls and his studies you became a distant memory to Pietro. That was until one November game in his second year.

The Wolverines were playing the Wisconsin Badgers. Boy did they suck. Not that Pietro minded it allowed him the opportunity to watch the cheerleaders, he knew a few of the girls on the team from various parties, he hadn’t paid much attention to the new girls on the squad. Then out of the corner of his eye, he spotted someone who looked familiar to him. Could it be Y/N? Wanda had mentioned something about you getting a scholarship at Uni for your cheerleading, but he’d been in the middle of a game of Mario Kart with Sam at the time.

He tried to rack his brain’s but then the ball came towards him. He smiled to himself. Showtime Pietro. The game was an easy win. Whilst his teammates cheered Pietro made his way to the side-lines, desperate to know if the girl he’d seen earlier was you. His heart skipped a beat when he heard your familiar laugh. He couldn’t believe it. Pietro came jogging up towards you determined to chat.

“It’s just Y/N” or you can call me cutie you said winking at Pietro, he chuckled.

“How about I just call you tomorrow?” he retorted, you felt yourself blush. Pietro may come across as confident but inside he was shaking with nerves. Was he really doing this? What if you said no? You shrugged before pulling out a sharpie from your bag, you wrote down your number on his arm. He cocked his head puzzled.

“I changed it last year after Bucky wouldn’t stop blowing it up with apology texts,” you said simply wrongly presuming Pietro knew what had gone down. Before Pietro could respond you ran off to join the rest of your squad and headed for the changing room. He couldn’t help but smile to himself as your laughter rang in his ears whilst you walked off the pitch.

“Pietro! What’s good? How’d your game go tonight?” Sam asked. He sounded buzzed and Pietro could hear the faint sounds of a party in the background. Excellent he thought to himself. Sam was buzzed enough to have loose lips but not drunk enough to be of no use and if he was lucky Sam might not even remember half the conversation.

Pietro got back to his apartment, he had zero clues about what had gone on with you and Bucky. It was obvious due to your remark about him blowing up your phone with apology texts that he’d done something. He weighed up his options. Wanda or Sam? Wanda was his twin, and he knew deep down if he pulled the twin card she would tell him, but then if nothing came of this, he would be opening a can of worms with his sister over nothing.

Then there was Sam, he was still pretty close with Bucky and liked to chat a lot. But ultimately, he was like a brother to Pietro, and he trusted Sam to keep his mouth shut. Taking a deep breath and raking his hand through his Silver-blonde hair he picked up his phone and dialled Sam.

“So Sam you’ll never guess who I ran into cheering on the side-lines of the game!?” Pietro tried to sound breezy and cool like it was no big deal, despite the fact he was about to ask his friends ex out on a date.

“ I ran into Y/N. You know Bucky’s girl?” Pietro carried on forcing his voice to sound light. Sam choked on his drink down the other end of the line.

“I wouldn’t let her hear you call her that. That boy broke her damn heart, the fool” Sam said, there was an edge to his voice that Pietro almost missed.

“Wait, what do you mean?” Pietro asked genuinely curious.

“Well remember that little party your sister threw that last week of summer whilst you were away at football camp with some of your new teammates?” Sam asked. He didn’t wait for Pietro to respond before he continued.

“Well, Jane brought her friend Nat along” Sam continued. Pietro took a sharp intake of breath. No, Bucky wouldn’t have been stupid enough to kiss her at a party with your mutual friends, would he?

“Well turns out that Clint guy Bucky talked about wasn’t her boyfriend he was just a really good friend. But by the time we found that out Jane realised both Bucky and this Nat chick hadn’t been seen for at least a good 15, 20 minutes. So, she went to go find Nat. Only to walk in on them fucking. Oh yeah, it was on your bed bro”, Sam finished his story like it was no big deal. Other than the telling disdain in his voice.

Pietro stood stunned. No wonder you had winced at the use of your old nickname. Pietro’s heart broke for you at that moment. He vowed at that moment that no matter what happened between you both, he would do everything in his power to ensure you never had to feel heartbreak like that again.

Pietro will never forget that first date with you. He had come up with some lame excuse of showing you the best-hidden beauty spots of the campus. Not that there were any, he just wanted an excuse to spend some time with you. He wore jeans and a jumper with his beat-up converse.

All though it didn’t look like he had put much effort into his outfit he had spent a good hour agonising over it. In the end, he settled for a faded blue jumper hoping it would make his eyes and hair pop. He met you by the school library and the sun was shining, it was still a chilly November mid-morning.

You had turned up with your hair tied up in a messy bun a few stray pieces framing your cheeks, you had opted for a sweater dress. He remembered because it was loose and comfy but sinched inwards in all the right places. It was a silvery colour almost the same shade his hair was. Pietro swore you took his breath away.

Winter Break 2011

“And that right there is where the fraternity pledges had to stand and sing, I’m a little teapot every time someone put 10$ in the bucket. I didn’t truly understand the strange British Nursery Song or whatever it was, but I did like watching the pledges get embarrassed every time they had to sing when the cute cheerleaders walked past. So, I put 40 Bucks in the bucket when I knew the 3rd Years would be heading to practise” Pietro said pointing to the school statue.

You had nearly fallen over laughing at his story. Pietro noticed how you scrunched your nose up when you laughed. Like a rabbit. No like a Bunny. When Pietro walked you back to your dorm, he wasn’t sure if he was going to kiss you, but when you let him hold your hand, he decided at that moment he would regret it more if he didn’t take the plunge.

The moment he knew he was yours and you were his was at a party, he’d taken you on lots of hot chocolate dates, he knew you didn’t like coffee because it tasted bitter to you and that coca was nice, but you preferred the sweet comfort of a creamy hot chocolate.

It was at a party being held by the Ice Hockey team to celebrate their latest string of wins. You didn’t come to parties often preferring the comfort of a book and a cosy night in, but you always tried to attend parties after the football matches. You walked in wearing a red top and black skinny jeans.

The top wasn’t super low cut, but it hinted at your cleavage, you’d left your hair down for a change in loose curls. You’d recently gotten your hair dyed a deep chocolate brown and it brought out your eyes. Pietro nearly lost his damn mind when his Ice-blue eyes met your chocolate brown eyes after he’d drank all of you in. He excused himself from the conversation he was having with Scott Summers and co making his way over to you.

“Bunny, you look good enough to eat,” Pietro said dipping his head down to meet your lips, your lips were always so warm and welcoming a stark comparison to his cool lips.

“Bunny?” You replied scrunching your nose up. This was the first time Pietro had called you a pet name, you felt your heart somersault.

Pietro was messaging his sister on the drive home. He could tell you had something on your mind, but he knew better than to push you.

“So,” you began.

“What’s up Bunny?” Pietro asked snapping his eyes up from his phone.

“Well, I just thought now might be a good time to talk, we’re clearly going to run into a lot of our old friends, and there’s no way Wanda won’t know something is going on here, and I, I saw your lock screen,” you said. Well yeah Pietro thought, was he meant to be keeping you guys a secret? He didn’t want to, and he had just assumed you were a couple. You did couple type things, watching movies together curled up, holding hands when you guys were out together.

“So you were wondering what we are?” Pietro’s couldn’t hide the amusement in his voice. God, you were adorable. He watched your demeanour change and felt a pang of guilt, the determination in your eyes as you tried to not show that you felt embarrassed.

“Hey Bunny, look at me” Pietro grabbed your hand, wanting you to know how much he truly meant the next few words.

“We are a couple. I’m sorry you felt the need to ask, but I adore you, so we are a thing,” he said stroking circles on the back of your hand. You smiled and nodded to yourself. Pietro held on to your hand stroking circles the rest of the traffic. He couldn’t wait to tell Wanda she was wrong about him never getting serious with anyone.

“Hey Wanda, have you got a second?” Pietro and Wanda were heading out to meet up with you and the rest of the old school gang who had made it home for the Winter Break in the local coffee shop.

“Sure brother, what’s up?” she asked shrugging on her red jacket and lacing up her boots.

“So, you know that girl I told you I was seeing?” Pietro asked, you two hadn’t said if you were going to tell people or just let them figure it out, but he at least wanted to give his twin a heads up. Wanda straightened her brown hair falling behind her ears. She impatiently cocked an eyebrow waiting for her twin to continue. They were going to be late at this rate.

“Well, you know her. In Fact, you’re good friends” Pietro continued sucking in his breath.

“If you mean to tell me you’re dating Y/N, I already know brother”, Pietro froze. “I’m happy for you, but if you break her heart like that James did, I will not hesitate to kill you and hide the body” she continued.

“How did you know?” Pietro couldn’t help but ask, you guys hadn’t been a secret, but you hadn’t exactly announced it to the world either.

“I’m good at reading people Pietro” Wanda shrugged before heading out the door.

“You sly dog,” Sam said chuckling. Just then Peter turned up. Sam’s comment hadn’t escaped you, so you simply shot Pietro a quizzical look, one of your eyebrows arched. Pietro gently shook his head. He’d tell you about the phone call later.

It was great hanging out with the old gang, shame about Carol, and Jane being unable to make it back. Bucky was dating that Natasha chick and hadn’t come home from the holidays. Evidently, this wasn’t a surprise to Sam or Wanda. Pietro however was a bit taken back. That was until he heard how his sister had almost killed Bucky when she had run into him last summer. Carol had had to restrain her. Pietro couldn’t lie he was kind of bummed to miss it.

Pietro and Wanda didn’t celebrate Christmas, but they did celebrate being around people they loved and as the four of you sat around waiting for Peter Parker to make an appearance, he couldn’t help but feel his heart swell. You hadn’t even reacted to the mentions of Bucky. The way your brown eyes lit up when you teased Sam about his poor season or crinkled your nose when Wanda complimented your new hair, made Pietro come completely undone. Not being able to restrain himself anymore he leant in and kissed you, a slow soft kiss. The taste of your gingerbread cookie and peppermint hot chocolate lingering on your lips. When Pietro pulled away, he shot Sam a wink, and you promptly turned crimson. Sam just sat there gawking. Pietro watched as Sam tried to piece together his hazy memory from that phone call.

2012

Pietro absolutely adored the photo you had gotten him for Christmas, displaying it on his bedside table proudly. He had brought you a stuffed bunny for Christmas, cheesy but it made you beam at him.

“A Bunny for my Bunny” Pietro said shooting you his signature grin. Your heart constricted; it was an adorable soft fluffy powder blue bunny.

After winter break things got crazy busy. The year also seemed to rush by, between keeping on top, your rehearsals for the play. Pietro’s football practises, football matches, nationals for your cheerleading competition. It felt like you had barely any time to breathe. Pietro always looked forward to football games, not because he loved playing which he did, no it was because when you were cheering your face lit up, you always had his number painted on your cheek. Your brown hair always pulled up in a high ponytail, accentuating your big beautiful brown eyes that always looked for Pietro’s ice-blue eyes on the field. Mostly he loved the looks of jealousy he would get from the other team when players would be checking you out. Pietro would always come over for a kiss for good luck when he wasn’t on the field. You always giggled about how Mr cool; the confident cocky big-time football player was such a dork around you. Pietro was fast, sometimes your eyes couldn’t quite make out his movements, all you would see was a flash of his silver-blonde hair that peeked out under his helmet. You had started calling him Quicksilver, originally as a joke but it had stuck.

“So, move in with me for the summer,” he had said, his heart pounding in his chest. It wasn’t a big deal really but the thought of waking up to you every day for the summer made him practically giddy. Pietro continued to stroke circles on your bare legs. He was watching Grease, but he wasn’t absorbing what was being said.

Pietro loved every single second he got to spend with you, but mostly he loved the summer. College football season had finished, school was winding down and it meant he got to sit in those quiet moments with you. Pietro had no plans to go home for the Summer.

Pietro adored you more than he was willing to admit, hell he loved you which is why he was always never going to push you for anything more than you were comfortable with. He was content just kissing you, steamy make-out sessions. He just liked being close to you breathing in your scent, in the winter you always smelt like Vanilla and crushed Rose Petals. In the summer you changed your body spray, and he hadn’t quite been able to pinpoint the smell, but you smelt like Peaches, sunscreen, and sunshine. Okay, maybe not sunshine but he felt the warmth of your presence every time you were together. Pietro knew you were stressing about summer accommodation so he couldn’t help but offer up his place.

“Okay, I’ll move in for the summer,” you said. You picked up the remote and pressed pause on the DVD Pietro had been so focused on trying to play it cool he hadn’t even heard you the first time you spoke. When you started undressing, Pietro didn’t know where to look. Sure, you’d spent nights together, but Pietro always left you to get changed in his room whilst he went to brush his teeth. His eyes couldn’t help but wander over your body as you walked into your bedroom. Pietro inwardly groaned and felt himself harden. Trying to take his mind off what he had just witnessed he pulled out his phone. That’s when you appeared in the door frame, wearing nothing but his football jersey, when it lifted to show the skin of your bare stomach Pietro nearly lost his damn mind.

“Well, are you coming or not handsome?” Pietro grinned throwing his phone on the sofa and closing the gap between you in seconds, picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder. Pietro was certain that if he didn’t get his way with you right that second, he would combust.

Winter Break 2012

“You love her, don’t you?” Wanda asked Pietro. You were finishing up tech rehearsals, so Wanda and Pietro were enjoying some sibling bonding by cooking Paprikash. Wanda’s eyes narrowed at Pietro who was avoiding eye contact with his sister. He could feel his sisters warm blue eyes boring into him. Eventually, Pietro stopped washing up and turned to face his sister. Wiping his hands on a tea towel he finally lifted his eyes to meet Wanda’s.

“Yes, of course, I do but that’s not a secret, so what are you actually asking Wanda?” Pietro raked a hand through his silver-blonde hair.

“It's obvious you two love each other Pietro, dearly. But you’re in love with her, you would hang the stars for that girl, and when are you going to admit it? You visibly had a thing for her back in high school and you have healed the damage done by James Barnes. So why don’t you let your guard down and tell her how you truly feel?” Wanda asked. Pietro stood there dumbfounded. Had it genuinely been that obvious to people he had liked you back in high school when you were Bucky’s girl? As if reading Pietro’s mind Wanda answered his question.

“You may have fooled everyone else Pietro, but not me” Wanda returned to her cooking and that was the last of the conversation.

“Are you sure your mum doesn’t mind me staying with you guys for winter break?” you asked twiddling your hair nervously. Pietro chuckled lifting your small suitcase into his car.

“Come on then quicksilver, let’s get going before the traffic builds up,” you said shooting him a grin your worries disappearing.

“Yes Bunny, she wouldn’t hear of you staying here alone. Besides, Wanda would rip my arms off if I even thought about coming home without you” he said pressing a kiss to your temple. Pietro had refused to let you drive saying it was his turn as you had driven last year. You still looked unsure tugging at the selves of your red jumper dress as you walked round to the front of his car. Your brown hair fell in loose waves, still slightly damp from your last-minute shower.

Pietro sensed something else was bothering you but didn’t push it. Instead, he hopped up on the bonnet of his car and pulled you between his legs. Pressing his forehead to yours, he uttered a silent promise that his mum would love you and that that the rest of the old gang would be happy for you both like they had all sworn they were. You looked up at him through your big doe eyes and pecked a gentle kiss on his nose.

“So, who did you say was coming tonight again?” you asked. You were standing in Wanda’s room whilst you both got ready for the small hang out Pietro and Wanda were hosting. Pietro had gone out to pick up Sam and Peter Parker and this girl he was bringing, Gwen. Pietro of course had been right about his mum loving you, you’d spent the last four days feeling welcome, included and at home. Wanda and Pietro’s mum had enveloped you into a big hug the moment she met you.

“Sam, Jane, Peter and his girlfriend Gwen. Carol’s coming, I think she said she was bringing her girlfriend. Now put this on” Wanda said handing you a low cut, slim-fitting black sweater dress. You rolled your eyes at Wanda; you were quite happy wearing one of Pietro’s oversized sweaters and your jeans, but you knew better than to argue with her. Just then you heard the door shut.

“It will be great to have so many of the old group back together,” Sam said shrugging off his jacket as he followed Pietro down to the converted basement.

“How are things between you and Y/N?” Sam asked.

“Sam, they’re pretty amazing,” Pietro said, a slight blush forming in his cheeks.

“Okay, that’s good to hear. Did you know Bucky’s in town for the holidays? I text him saying he should come along tonight; I hope that’s okay?” Sam asked. Pietro shrugged, he hadn’t spoken to Bucky since Bucky’s graduation and even then, that had been by phone. It wasn’t that Pietro actively avoided speaking with Bucky, it’s just that Pietro didn’t have anything to say to Bucky.

The pair of you had spoken in great detail about everything that went down between Bucky and yourself last year after winter break, and Pietro could see you still carried the scars from what he had done to when he cheated on yourself. Just then Wanda and you made your way downstairs into the basement. Pietro felt himself harden when he got a good look at what you were wearing. It was going to be a long night whilst Pietro thought the urge to take you upstairs and fuck you senseless. As if reading her brothers thoughts Wanda smirked to herself, a job well done, maybe now her brother would grow some balls and finally tell you exactly how he felt.

“Bunny, you look. Just wow” Pietro said. Sam rolled his eyes, you giggled before walking over to give Pietro a gentle kiss on the lips. You wrapped your arms around him hugging him close before you felt his hardened member. You cocked an eyebrow at him, but Pietro shook his head brushing your hair behind your ears before giving you another gentle kiss.

After about two hours, everyone had relaxed, caught up and were just chilling. Sam hadn’t heard from Bucky, so Pietro hadn’t thought anything more about it, no sense bringing it up to you if he didn’t show.

Sam had also gotten up nudging Pietro, swearing he would beat him next time. Pietro chuckled, that’s when Sam nudged him.

“You sly bastard Parker” Sam practically shouted. The three of them were playing Mario Kart whilst Taylor Swift played in the background, all though he’d never admit to anyone, including no, especially you. Taylor Swift had grown on him over the past year. Mostly because he loved the way you lit up when you sang along to her in the car.

Pietro was so engrossed in his game with the boys he barely registered you getting up off the sofa next to him. Whilst Sam had been busy yelling at Peter for using Banana peels, Pietro had overtaken Sam in the race. Once the game finished Pietro noticed you weren’t next to him. Feeling empty without you snuggled next to him he got up and stretched. He figured you were probably talking to the girls or something.

“Uh, Pietro, you might want to go save your girl from an awkward encounter with her ex” Sam looked pained. He was realising the error of his ways by inviting Bucky along. Pietro just shot him a puzzled look before following Sam’s line of sight. Pietro sucked a breath in.

“Sam, I swear to god if she ends up in tears tonight because of you, I will not hesitate to punch you in the face,” Pietro said before walking off to the fridge where you and Bucky stood.

“Yeah, schools fine thanks Bucky,” you said politely. Pietro’s heart was beating loudly in his chest, he had no concerns about how secure your relationship was, he just wanted to save you from any unnecessary heartbreak when it came to James “Bucky” Barnes.

December 2012 – August 2014

“Hey Bunny,” he said kissing the corner of your head before wrapping his arms around you.

“Hey Buck, long time no see!” Pietro said. Bucky stood frozen for a few seconds processing what he had just witnessed.

“Hey, Pietro Yeah. It's been a hot minute, so you two are a couple? You guys look cute congrats. Oh man, wow is that Peter over there? I barely recognise him I’m going to go say hey. Catch you guys later!” Bucky said practically running over to Peter. You turned around and kissed Pietro.

“Come on Quicksilver, let’s see if I can beat you at Mario Kart,” you said pulling him over to the sofa. Pietro instantly felt himself relax, glad to see that you hadn’t been impacted by Bucky’s sudden appearance. He grinned at you as he let you drag him behind you,

“What?” you said chuckling at his goofy grin.

“I’m just so fucking in love with you Y/N,” he said. Your heart skipped a few beats. Sure, you had both said I love you, but the way Pietro’s ice-blue eye’s shone at you, the way he had phrased it as being in love with you, made your heart squeeze, butterflies erupt in your stomach and all those other cliché metaphors.

“Pietro, I am going to rock you fucking world tonight, because I feel the exact same way”, you whispered in his ear. Pietro’s eyes bulged out of his head. He lent down and gave you a hungry kiss, sending electricity coursing through your body. When you finally broke free from the kiss Pietro, caught sight of Bucky glowering in the corner of the room ignoring whatever it was Peter was wittering on about.

Winter break came and went. Your second year at Uni whizzed past. Pietro even joined you and your family for your annual summer vacation in Miami, your grandparents were getting on a bit, so you decided to skip the summer production of Hairspray. Pietro joined you for two summers of family vacations in Miami. Your Grandma took a liking to him.

“Pietro, so good to see you again,” she said hugging him. “If I was 55 years younger”, she said shooting Pietro a wink. Pietro chuckled and stuck his tongue out at you.

“See I told you that she loved me the most out of all of you,” he said. You rolled your eyes. Pietro was right your grandma did have a soft spot for him. Who could blame her? Pietro was a true gentleman and his muscles stretched out any shirt he wore. His floppy silver-blonde hair and his goody grin. You were truly a lucky girl. He was going to break your grandma’s heart as much as yours when you two ended things this summer.

Saying goodbye to you was going to be one of the hardest things he ever had to do. The pair of you had spent the last week of summer in Florida with Wanda and her boyfriend James also known as Vision. Tomorrow you would both be getting on separate planes and going your separate ways. You were dancing around in the sea not a care in the world.

Pietro loved the way you were in the summer, the stresses of school melted away. You burned easily so your skin always had a very faint sun-kissed glow to it, but the way you were with your family. That was when you truly glowed. The way you blushed when your parents would talk about how proud they were of you. You were an only child, so your cousins were the closest thing to siblings you had.

And boy did your two male cousins pick on you. Teasing you about being smart, your relationship with Pietro. The way you would roll your eyes at them. Pietro’s heart squeezed with adoration when he watched you huddled in the kitchen with your grandma. Oblivious to the fact he was watching your brow would furrow in concentration as your grandma bossed you about in the kitchen whilst the pair of you cooked up some delicious treats.

“You know brother if you asked her to do long distance and wait for you, she would”, Wanda said sitting down next to Pietro. Wanda’s red hair almost looked like fire in the setting sun. Pietro sighed and shook his head.

“I know, but it’s not right or fair on her. She has plans of her own and we will be busy setting up your fashion label in NYC” he said, raking a hand through his hair.

“Besides, She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers. She deserves to enjoy her last year, her heart is in Michigan, where her mum and dad are.” Pietro sighed. Just then you came bounding over. Your black bikini just about covering all it needed too. You plopped down on the blanket beside Pietro, your brown hair trying to escape its messy bun. You rested your head in Pietro’s lap. You giggled as he gently bopped your nose. Swallowing down the ache in your chest.

The pair of you stood wrapped in each other’s embrace at the airport, the rest of the world shut out. Pietro breathing in your familiar scent one last time. He didn’t need to hear you to know you were crying. It was taking everything in him not to cry too.

“Be good Bunny, don’t cause too much mischief with Loki and stay in touch. I love you my little Bunny” he said wiping the tears from your eyes. You couldn’t say anything, so you just held him tight and cried. When you finally broke the embrace and Pietro boarded. He wiped away the few tears that had escaped his eyes.

[melodiesofblueroses]

𝘔𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘶𝘱 𝘚𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯

→ 𝘈𝘴𝘮𝘰𝘥𝘦𝘶𝘴 𝘹 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

›› 𝘚𝘶𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺: You thoroughly enjoyed your makeup sessions with Asmo. Not only were his stories so extravagant and entertaining, but he also loved giving you advice on any of your troubles. In this particular session, you start to reflect on your feelings for your coworker

›› 𝘎𝘦𝘯𝘳𝘦: Fluff

›› 𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵: ~2.5k  

›› 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘴 𝘶𝘱: gn!reader , makeup artist!asmo, actor/actress!reader, human au (? kinda)

“ah, y/n, it’s a treat to see you again!” at the sound of your makeup artist, you couldn’t help let out a small smile, happy to have your favorite person on set with you yet again. sure, he may have been the artist that was sometimes assigned to you, meaning that the two of you were nothing more than coworkers, but you also became close friends with him. plus, asmo’s craft and talent with his brushes never ceased to amaze you. your makeup, no matter how extravagant or simple, always seemed to take the spotlight during each shot. it was perfect to say the least, for both the scene and the atmosphere. besides, asmo always knew how to make you look good in anything. he truly had a talent for this. 

“asmo! i’m so happy that you’re my artist,” you exclaimed, finding it quite hard to contain your excitement. you moved to sit in a black chair that was in front of his work station, sitting up straight as you prepared to, once again, be blown away by him. as much as you enjoyed the other artists that were on set, asmo just had a magical touch to his work. he was your favorite by far, although that is to say you weren’t putting down the others. asmo’s makeup work, in particular, exudes confidence, elegance, and beauty all in one. it not only served to accentuate your character’s traits, but also gave you much more confidence when you were up on set. 

“well, i’m glad to hear that you love me so much,” he giggled, getting right to preparing his brushes and kit. this time, he was given the orders to create a natural and simple look. your character was supposed to be at a cafe in this scene, supposedly on a date with some hotshot you’d met in a previous scene. although asmo did get orders from the head makeup artist, he often liked to deviate a little and add his own personal touches in order to make you stand out. as much as that would serve as a reprimand, everyone on set was always taken aback by your makeup, so they let asmo run free. “so, would you like to hear the story of my last failed date?” he sighed, opening up the primer as he dipped his brush in. 

“of course i would, duh. your stories are the highlight of my day.” although that may have sounded a bit of an exaggeration, you weren’t lying. asmo always seemed to have the wildest stories, yet they were exciting and always kept you on your toes. you couldn’t help but wonder how he led such a fascinating and eventful life. currently, your life was quite dull. all you did was wake up each morning and arrive on set, that or practice your lines over and over again to your audience of stuffed animals that sat on your bed. you wished your life held an ounce of excitement that asmo’s had. “did you run into your psycho ex this time too?”

“yep,” he sighed once more, though he never stopped applying makeup. his soft touch on your skin felt so electric, though that was your crush on the man speaking. yes, despite his narcissism and usual shamelessness, you couldn’t help but fall for your coworker. of course, he was dreamy in a sense, with his good looks and fashion taste and all, but asmo was also very caring, a side he didn’t seem to show to just anyone (he seemed to only care for folks that he deemed to be attractive or interesting). however, he always listened to your problems and gave advice whenever you vented to him. and as someone who moved out to a big city in order to pursue more acting opportunities, it really did help to have someone by your side that truly did care. that, plus, he was just so interesting! you swear you could listen to asmo talk on and on for hours about his crazy stories. 

as he went on about his encounter with one of his exes, applying concealer, foundation, etc. in the meantime, you listened to each and every one of his words rather intently. as mentioned before, these stories always kept you on edge. you also couldn’t help but admire asmo’s voice. it was so full of emotion and expression. it was so lively! his voice was honestly really nice. plus, when he sometimes sang little songs under his breath, you couldn’t help but be blown away by this man’s singing talent. who knew he was such a good singer too? geez, now you needed to hear him sing a cover of your favorite songs or perhaps even a lullaby. although you were quite fixated on his story and voice, you didn’t forget to respond every once in a while and throw in your input and reactions, which asmo seemed to admire as well. 

“and that’s basically how i now have a cease and desist on my ex as well as a wanted criminal in the next town over.”

“wait wait wait, back up a second. wanted criminal?” 

“i’m just teasing you darling. just wanted to make sure you were paying attention,” asmo replied in a singsong voice, booping your nose with one of his clean brushes in the process. you couldn’t help but roll your eyes, quite used to his incessant teasing. you never knew how you still fell for it after many years of working with him. “anyway, is there anything new with you?” 

“well,” you started, though you were immediately interrupted as asmo applied a small dash of lipstick to your lips. ahh, his soft touch on your ever so sensitive lips made you feel goosebumps. it felt almost electrical in a sense, and you couldn’t help but jump a bit from the contact. geez, you really were head over heels for your makeup artist, especially if a simple touch was enough to make you feel butterflies. asmo took notice of your startled reaction and tilted his head (rather cutely you should say), making sure that you were alright before continuing on. when you nodded that you were fine, asmo happily smiled and continued on applying the lipstick, though you weren’t any calmer the second time around. 

it’s not like you despised his touch. you, in fact, were so in love with it, but the fact that you had such a huge crush on him really didn’t help. you also couldn’t help but recall the time that he had accidentally applied too much lipstick, and when you jokingly asked how you’d take it off, he grabbed your chin and said in such a sultry voice that he’d just kiss it off. gahh, just the memory of it got your heart rate up. of course, he did say that he was merely joking with you in a flirty way, but it felt so real that you didn’t really believe him. despite that memory resurfacing at the moment, you shook it off and continued on with what you wanted to say. “will you ever let me know your real name?”

“nope~” well, that was a quick response, and one that you weren’t even expecting to be quite honest. asmo, for some strange reason, never really let anyone in on his true name, insisting on the fact that everyone around him just called him asmo. you weren’t quite sure as to why he only ever wanted to go by his nickname, but you decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he hated his name. if that was the case, then it would be better off if you just dropped it. “it’s not that i hate it or anything,” he continued on, though you were surprised by how well he seemed to be reading your thoughts. “i think that the mystery aspect of it makes me much more appealing, don’t you think?” with that, he added a dangerous flirtatious wink which surely got your heartbeat rising. 

“alright, i get it,” you sighed, smiling as you felt him powder blush on your cheeks. “but you are an expert on relationships and love and whatnot, right?”

“y/n, you’ve known me for a while now, what do you think?” 

“i know i know, just thought i’d ask. it’s just that...well.” oh now asmo was listening rather intently to you while simultaneously continuing to put on your makeup. he really was the biggest gossiper you knew, always wanting in on the juciest of details. and your dull love life was no exception. “i don’t know how to tell this person that i like them…” you couldn’t help but avert your gaze from asmo’s the moment you muttered that sentence, embarrassed that you were talking about your crush in front of him. it really wasn’t something that you had mentioned to anyone beforehand. 

“oo, who are they? you gotta tell me everything if you want me to help,” asmo responded, quite intrigued at where this entire thing was going. “i must say though, they are quite lucky to have someone as cute as you crushing on them.”

perhaps it’s the other way around you thought to yourself, though all you did was smile at asmo’s statement. “well, they’re always so kind. a bit eccentric at times, but that’s part of their charm!” you couldn’t really see asmo’s face at the moment since he was applying the tiniest bit of natural eyeshadow to your lids, knowing that he did so in order to make your eyes pop out a bit. if you could see him, however, you’d assume that asmo was giving you a face that basically told you to continue on. “um, let’s see,” you mumbled, trying your best to articulate your feelings in the best way possible. “although they can be shameless and really flirty, i know that they are really loving and can be a bit insecure at times. i think that their love would be my type of love, ya know?” 

“you haven’t told me much, but you sound so smitten with this person.” dang, asmo really knew a lot about love, huh? it was rather embarrassing that he was able to quickly catch on to your strong feelings. “i say that you confess. who knows, they may even like you back~” with that final statement, you couldn’t help but shake off the feeling that asmo most likely knew that you were talking about him, as much as you prayed that wasn’t the case. imagine telling your crush to their face that you liked them, and they knew that you were talking about them but feigned ignorance anyway. that in and of itself was so embarrassing. but if that was the case, then wouldn’t it be better to take his advice and confess? well, in the heat of the moment, you decided that you’d go with it. 

“you think so?” 

“mm” 

“ok then, asmo, would you like to go out with me?” 

there was a few seconds of silence between the two of you, painful silence that felt like years in your eyes. oh no, what if you just ruined your friendship with your coworker that you had cultivated over the years? all those years of friendship, down the drain due to some stupid five second confession. how dumb could you get? before you could mentally beat yourself over it, however, asmo replied. 

“oo, i like that confidence~ i find it quite hot.” of course, you should’ve known that asmo would’ve found a way to tease you in such a situation. it wasn’t the ideal response, especially since it kinda felt like he was making fun of your feelings, but you knew that it was just his nature to do so. didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less though. you felt yourself tearing up a bit, though that all went away when you heard his next words. “of course i’d go out with you though. i’ve liked you for a while now too.” 

“really?!” it was a bit too enthusiastic and loud of a response that the other artists and actors couldn’t help but turn their gaze towards you for a few seconds. becoming flustered, you averted your gaze and focused on asmo, mumbling out your answer once more. everything had happened so fast that you hadn’t processed the entire situation yet, unsure whether you were stuck in a dream or not. this surely was one exciting thing that happened in your life. 

“yep,” he replied, giggling a bit at your enthusiasm. in his eyes, your reaction was adorable. he really did have a lot of love for you. 

“do you wanna go on a date this saturday then?” wow, you really were quite enthusiastic and fast-acting. it’s not that you were desperate (though some people may argue otherwise), but you were rather bored, and your life was uneventful, so you figured that a date would be perfect. 

“ahh, no can do,” he pouted as he added the finishing touches on your makeup. “my brother lucy,” he rolled his eyes at the mention of the name, “wants me and my other brothers back home for some reason.” he spun you around so that you faced the mirror, opening your eyes to be met with a job well done. his makeup work was truly top of the line, and you were always blown away at the spectacle beforehand. “how about next weekend though?”

“that sounds perfect,” you muttered to both asmo and the makeup look before you. first you snatched yourself a perfect makeup look and then a handsome boyfriend? today really was a great day for you. as you sat there speechless, you heard the director call your name out of the blue. it was finally time for your scene, and right on time too. “oh! i have to go,” you said to asmo, quickly getting up from your seat and adjusting your clothes. “i’ll definitely call you later to set up the details!”

“sounds good.” with that, asmo gave you a quick kiss on the cheek before he turned back to washing and fixing up his station, preparing to do a job well done for the next round of actors. shocked at the sudden kiss, you stood frozen for a few seconds, contemplating on what had just occurred. your first ever kiss from your boyfriend. this truly was a moment to treasure. though, before you could continue on with your daydreams, you heard the director call out to you once more, causing you to drop everything and rush on over. 

although you couldn’t tell, asmo was staring at you quite lovingly from afar, admiring how pretty you looked in both your makeup and costume. too bad he had to go back to the devildom for a few days to prepare for the exchange program. he really did want to spend more time with you.

[swagbonkoperaweasel]

Douxie Imagine: You’re With Someone New But You Miss Douxie

Warnings: I mean just breakup angst tbh idk I’ve never been through one. Also if you’re a swiftie you probably know which song I was listening to while writing this crappy imagine

You’re really trying, you’re really trying to give it a shot with your S/O

They’re absolutely amazing to you, honestly you couldn’t really ask for anything better

The only problem was your ex

You and Douxie had very contrasting personalities, always getting under each other’s skin, and that’s honestly why it just didn’t work out

You can’t help but to wish that it did though

It felt good to have someone who was willing to put up with your crap

You missed the way that he would hold you like it was the last time

You missed when he would play at gigs and always had his eyes on you

You freaking loved screaming “fuzzbuckets” at random times followed by him telling you “you fuzz my buckets darling”

You guys were pretty chaotic hehe

He would play some one on one concerts just for you, creating an intimate setting as sang his most romantic songs while the both of you are a blushing mess

You missed his cheesy pickup lines

You missed going on adventures with him and Archie

You missed kissing in the rain while screaming at the sky at how much you loved each other

You just missed everything about him

Your relationship was wild and crazy, and you honestly loved it

Your current S/O could just never make you feel as much as Douxie did

[ahgaseda]

aura | two

driving me crazy, look in my eyes, follow me, come here, dance with me now, I’m gonna make you feel like that...

summary : back again at a camp for kids that can’t behave, you are still brokenhearted over your ill-fated romance with Jaebeom, until your friend Jackson offers to help make your ex jealous in exchange for helping him land the most unattainable girl at camp.

warnings : strong profanity, explicit dialogue, recurring alcohol or recreational drug use, graphic sexual content, brief mentions of illegal activities, potentially triggering elements involving toxic relationships and emotional manipulation, etc.

miniseries chapters : one / two / three / four / five / six / seven

Jackson could feel his head spinning out of control. There you were in his bed. Naked save for the dark silky sheets wrapped snugly around your body. You were curled up across from him, sound asleep with your lips slightly parted.

Your moans were still echoing in his ears, because nothing got Jackson off like sounds of pleasure. Especially when he was the cause. Shivers raced up his spine at the thought of you beneath him, made all the more arousing by the deep red lines your nails left down his back.

On his side, mirroring your position, Jackson merely stared. Fuck, he wanted to curse aloud. He really had just slept with his best friend. And more than once. Reaching forward, Jackson delicately brushed some disheveled hair from your face and rubbed his thumb over your cheek.

Fuck, Jackson thought again, pulling his hand back.

Given your histories (and your current dilemma with Jaebeom), Jackson made sure to rock your world if it was the last thing he did. He buried his head between your thighs, stroked your sweet spot with the pads of his fingers, and brought you to ecstasy on his tongue.

You begged him for more and Jackson was all too happy to oblige you.

Fuck, he had groaned when he pushed himself inside your heat. You winced at the pressure and he staggered out a breath at the tight vice of your cunt.

Your fingers pressed unforgiving into the skin of his lower back, your legs high on his waist as you accepted him deep. Jackson could see the tension on your face, the way you hid your nerves at the stretch. He had been much bigger than you were expecting.

Jackson remembered then it was only your second time and he slowed his pace. He rocked gently into you, coaxing your body to accommodate him. The patient thrusting helped you open up and it kept him from blowing his load in the first two seconds.

“God, you’re tight,” Jackson said under his breath, dropping his head to the crook of your neck and bottoming out.

You hummed softly when his lips began to suck at your skin. “Does it feel good?” you asked, a mix of teasing and curiosity.

“So good, baby,” Jackson whispered.

I’m fucked, was what he had wanted to say.

The moment you gripped him tighter, drawing him in closer, and sighed out a moan, Jackson knew he was doomed. He would do anything and everything you asked of him, if he could just bury himself in the heaven that was your body.

Jackson shook the memory from his head, still staring at your sleeping form. The first round may have been slow and tender, but what followed was anything but. No sooner had he caught his breath were you on him. He had inadvertently opened the floodgates and discovered you were as insatiable as he was.

You rode him until he cried out your name. He pinned you on your stomach and pounded you from behind until you begged for mercy and he gave you release instead. The two of you rolled around beneath the sheets till they were damp with sweat.

But it didn’t matter how much pleasure Jackson gave you, how many times he brought you to toe-curling release - there was still a twinge of guilt. You were sleeping with him to spite another man. Any other day Jackson would be happy to serve as such use, but you were his best friend. He was supposed to keep you from making bad decisions.

Not letting you indulge them by becoming the actual indulgence.

Jackson decided to justify it under the guise of helping you move on. Maybe if you got some orgasms you would stop pining over Jaebeom’s mediocre skills.

You stirred then and Jackson was at attention. He wondered if you would wake up and instigate more sex. One glimpse of your breasts and he would undoubtedly get hard again. Jackson shook that mental image out of his mind quickly and focused on dropping the obligatory “bomb dick put your ass to sleep” joke.

Your eyes cracked open and you peered at him groggily.

“Hi,” Jackson rasped.

“Hi.”

A short silence ensued and it was physically painful for Jackson. When you said nothing, he asked, “How are you?”

You thought a moment, recollecting the events of the past few hours, and replied, “Sore.”

Jackson chuckled in relief. He was known for his stamina, but you had him running on empty. “I’m sorry.”

You snorted and narrowed your eyes. “No you’re not.”

Jackson flashed a grin. “Okay, I’m not.”

With a chuckle, you rolled to your back, running a hand through your messy hair.

Jackson swiftly reached over to pull up the sheet where it had fallen slightly on your chest.

You glanced down curiously and teased, “Don’t wanna see me naked anymore?”

Jackson was quick to explain, “If I see your boobies again, my dick will be up and ready to go.”

You laughed, covering your mouth shyly as you felt heat behind your cheeks. “Is that all it takes?”

Jackson bobbed his head, amused at your reaction. “Depends on the tits, but yeah, pretty much. Super effective.”

“Tell your friend to keep it together down there,” you joked, eyes shifting down his naked body. “I’m worn out.”

Jackson moved to lay on his back at your side, both of you looking up at the slowly turning ceiling fan. “Don’t worry. He is too.”

You placed a hand over your lower stomach and grumbled, “Please tell me the cramping is normal.”

Jackson sidled closer until he could feel you against him. “According to one of my exes, yes. Unfortunately it can happen when things get a little too… vigorous.”

You wanted to smack him for sounding so arrogant, but opted instead to deadpan, “I’m relieved that my best friend is an all-knowing sex god.”

“Hey, don’t inflate the ego,” Jackson chided playfully. “It also makes the dick hard.”

You laughed again.

Silence returned, but this time it wasn’t uncomfortable. The post-coital conversation had been handled and nothing was left up in the air. Once you gathered enough energy, you dragged your feet to the bathroom and cleaned yourself up. Jackson offered you one of his long sleeve shirts to sport while you stayed in his room.

Part of you was still in disbelief. Here you were, in Jackson’s cabin, in his bed with a persistent ache between your thighs. He was now propped back against pillows, flipping through channels on the flatscreen, and you were tucked to his side, head on his chest.

Jackson leaned slightly, trying to sneak a glimpse of your face, and asked, “You didn’t eat earlier, did you?”

You shook your head.

“Yeah, me neither,” he huffed, thinking briefly. “Should we order a pizza?”

You shrugged.

Annoyed, Jackson barked, “Alright, dialogue would be nice.”

“I just…,” you murmured, head spinning. “Can’t believe we had sex.”

Jackson chortled. Then, his expression fell. “Are you freaking out?”

You sat up to face him, hair a mess over your shoulder, and braced your hands on your bare knees. All you sported was his shirt, like some kind of trophy. “No, but I feel different.”

Jackson cocked a brow. He was getting nervous and tried to hide it. “In what way?”

You smiled bashfully and said, “Like you broke the spell a little bit.”

Jackson’s lips parted in a devilish grin. “Did I?” he asked smugly.

You rolled your eyes at his tone, but continued, “Yeah, it’s like - with Jaebeom, the whole summer was spent flirting and seducing and in the end it was one quick, awkward slip of a dick and done.”

Jackson laughed at that.

You pushed his chest until you had his attention again, giggling all the while. “But with you it was hot and heavy and everything just built up until it exploded.”

Jackson pinched your cheek and taunted, “Glad I could make your toes curl.”

“I always thought that was just an expression, but fuck yeah, did they curl.”

Jackson studied you and tilted his head. “You’re cute.”

“And we’re still best friends, right?”

“Absolutely. I can’t live without you.”

You simpered, relieved. For once it felt like having your cake and eating it, too. At the thought of cake, your stomach growled. “Let’s go get food.”

Jackson practically soared off the bed.

After redressing into your clothes from before, you stepped outside and were shocked to see night had fallen. The crickets sang and frogs croaked. The lake nearby shone with the reflection of the moon.

Turning to Jackson, you gawked. “How long were we in there?”

“A while,” he snickered.

“The mess hall is gonna close any minute.”

“All aboard,” Jackson announced, stepping in front of you and crouching down.

You giggled, clambering onto his back and squealing when he grabbed your legs, proceeding to piggyback you all the way there.

Given that dinnertime had long passed, the dining hall was sparse. There were a few stragglers. Some merely stuck around to chat. Most were snacking.

Jackson set you down and you adjusted your clothes, peering inside to check for Jaebeom.

“You go ahead,” you said. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Suit yourself,” Jackson replied, kissing your cheek in parting.

No sooner had the door closed did someone sneak up behind you.

“Hard to get close to you with a bodyguard lurking around,” Jaebeom jeered.

You whirled around to snap, “In what way, shape or form have I made you think I want you near me?”

“Don’t be like that, baby girl. I remember when you couldn’t keep your hands off me.”

Jaebeom still enthralled you. His perfect shoulders and perfect hands and perfect fucking face.

It was downright infuriating.

Fortunately, you were feeling pretty obstinate at the moment and countered, “I must have done a number on you since I’ve moved on and clearly you haven’t.”

Jaebeom frowned, vexed. Every girl he loved and left came crawling back for more. He had it down to a science. But no matter how many girls were ready to throw themselves at him, his pride couldn’t stand you not falling in line.

You stepped back when Jaebeom approached, extending his arm to cage you against the wall. The scent of him made your heart turn. You remembered carding your fingers through his hair and breathing him in when he was on top of you. You thought it had been so perfect.

And it was all a lie.

Jaebeom whispered, “I was good to you, wasn’t I?”

You folded your arms in defiance. “How do you figure that? I recall only one of us getting off.”

“It was your first time,” Jaebeom whined. “Do you know how hard it is to make a virgin come?”

You peered up at him and said, “Jackson makes me come over and over.”

Jaebeom’s eyes flickered. His blood boiled and his expression devolved into a frown. “Does he now?”

Realizing you had him on the ropes, you stood a little taller and ran a hand down his chest, smoothing a nonexistent wrinkle in his shirt. “Yeah, maybe you should talk shop with him sometime. He can give you a few pointers.”

Jaebeom’s pulse quickened at the touch of your hand, but seethed at your words.

Pushing his arm out of your way, you grabbed the door of the mess hall and gave him one last insult, “I mean, if you’re gonna make a career out of deflowering girls, you should at least be good at it.”

Jaebeom watched the door close behind you and he was quick to head inside, though he didn’t give chase. Briefly he watched you stride to the line to get food, then his eyes scanned over the tables until he found Jackson.

Meanwhile, Jackson shoved a piece of chicken into his mouth and didn’t even look up when Jaebeom took the empty seat beside him.

“What’s your game, Wang?” Jaebeom asked roughly.

Jackson replied, “I’m gonna bag Yeona,” and tossed back a gulp of soda.

“Oh please,” Jaebeom retorted, unconvinced. “She’s impenetrable. Literally.”

“Uh-huh.”

Jaebeom shot a glance across the room, spotting Yeona near the wall with a small group of friends. “That promise ring has a matching chastity belt.”

Jackson sang, “Both of which will be on the floor with the rest of her clothes when I’m done.”

Jaebeom brought his gaze back to you as you piled food on your plate and set it on your tray to move down the line. “What about you and the Ice Queen?”

Jackson fought a frown. He wanted to slug Jaebeom in the jaw every time he mentioned you. Playing cool, Jackson spoke nonchalantly, “We’re just having fun. The Ice Queen’s got that fire pussy.”

“I know she does,” Jaebeom growled, images of you naked filling his head. “So, you guys aren’t exclusive. She’s playing the field and I can round the bases.”

Jackson almost bit the tip off his plastic fork and snarled, “Dude, she hates your guts.”

Jaebeom licked his lips. “We both know hate sex is the best.”

Jackson felt his blood pressure rising. He wanted nothing more to beat the living shit out of Jaebeom, but he remembered the game you both were playing.

Sensing the conversation was over, and having gotten what he wanted out of it, Jaebeom moved to leave.

“Hey,” Jackson called.

“What?”

Jackson leveled his eyes on Jaebeom, stern and full of contempt. “You didn’t have to make her fall in love with you.”

“She was tough to crack. I had to go all the way,” said Jaebeom, as if it were of no consequence to him.

Jackson could practically hear sirens in his head and imagined himself being loaded in the back of a squad car in handcuffs with a satisfied grin on his face. “The two of you could make a go of it,” Jackson said, expression sour. “She could be the one to calm you down.”

“Pfft,” Jaebeom scoffed. “Me and her are you and Yeona, the before and after. We’re the same, you and I.”

That was the last straw. “We’re nothing alike,” Jackson snapped vehemently. “I’m just having fun. You’re trying to prove something. Matter of fact, you’re trying to spite a bitch that doesn’t even remember what your dick felt like.”

Jaebeom tensed with wrath and lowered his voice to something dangerous and threatening, “You’re lucky we’re inside or I would fuck you up.”

“The door’s right there,” Jackson hissed, though his muscles tensed in response.

The two stared each other down for a moment. You stood frozen in the aisleway, tray in hand, watching and waiting.

Then, Jaebeom scowled and rose from the seat.

You sighed in relief, knowing a brawl on the first day was not on your list of sights to see. Then, your heart clenched when you realized Jaebeom was striding toward you.

“Hey,” he called out.

With a groan, you whined, “Jaebeom, how many times do I have to tell you?”

“I wanna make peace.”

You deadpanned, “You wanna get back in my pants.”

Jaebeom slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I thought this summer we would pick up where we left off.”

You were tempted to take the tray in your hands and whack him over the head, but you would never disrespect and waste food like that. “You spent all last summer getting me into bed and you thought this summer I would just jump right back in. Do you really believe I think as little of myself as you think of me?”

Jaebeom shook his head. “Not at all.”

“You knew I had feelings for you. You convinced me that you felt the same way. You…”

Jaebeom interrupted with a soft, “Don’t.”

You could feel the conversation devolving. Emotions were pushing through. You whimpered, “We used to be friends, you know.”

Jackson watched it unfold, ready to jump in. The moment a tear escaped your lashes he would be ready to level Jaebeom into the fucking ground.

Jaebeom seemed to get frustrated. Maybe even losing his cool. “Will you just let me explain?”

You gaped. “There is no explanation for wounding someone that trusted you as much as I did.”

A voice suddenly appeared at your side, chiding, “Haven’t you done enough, Jaebeom?”

Jaebeom’s eyes widened slightly at the appearance of Yeona in your corner and he began, “Yeona, this…”

She looked at him with nothing but disdain. “Your motto is hit it and quit it, right? How about some follow through?”

You studied her in complete surprise, resisting a smile.

“You really…,” Jaebeom tried to argue.

“Begone, Satan,” she snapped, holding up a hand.

Jaebeom threw in the towel with ease. He had no desire to contend with Yeona in the middle of the dining hall. She was known for her volume.

You turned to her and said, “Thanks, Yeona. I guess I’ll never stop making a fool of myself, huh?”

She glared at Jaebeom’s back as he walked away and spoke with disgust, “He’s slime for what he did to you.”

You shrugged, feeling out of place. “I let him do it. What does that make me?”

She met your eyes, filled with compassion, and said, “I meant lying about being in love. I can’t imagine anything worse than that.”

You smarted, “Well, there’s climate change and world hunger and a Republican-controlled Congress…”

Yeona laughed and the sound was delightful. “You know what I mean.”

With the tray still in your hands, you elbowed her gently and whispered, “Thanks for sticking up for me.”

“Anytime,” she gleamed, elbowing you back. “You did the same for me once.”

The memory played across your mind and you replied softly, “Yeah, I did. Wow, I had almost forgotten.”

Yeona didn’t hesitate to loop her arm through yours and asked, “Wanna sit together?”

You nodded with a smile. “Sure, I would like that.”

Jackson watched you and Yeona striding together to the remainder of her clique. You were smiling like the two of you had been best friends for years. Jackson wrinkled his nose with another taste of bile on his tongue.

When you had finished most of your food, you leaned toward Yeona and whispered, “Listen, I’m really awkward about this, but Jackson is my friend and I want him to be happy.”

Her face lit up with curiosity. “What’s up?”

“He wants to watch the stars with you tonight.”

Yeona cocked a brow, skeptical. She and everyone on the east coast knew Jackson’s reputation as a playboy. “Really?”

“Yes,” you told her hurriedly. “I’m sorry if I visibly cringed. He’s my best friend. It’s hella weird to be doing this on his behalf.”

Yeona sized you up. Never in the years of camp did you approach a girl for Jackson. And that made Yeona feel special. It gave her a false inclination that Jackson was after something more.

“He’s a nice guy that Jackson,” she finally said.

You looked over at Jackson, simpering slightly to see him snarfing down more food. You were suddenly reminded of how he felt between your thighs and forced the thought from your mind.

“Yeah, a really nice guy,” you murmured.

Yeona nodded. “Tell him I’m down.”

When you relayed the news to Jackson back at his cabin, he beamed with delight.

“You’re a queen,” he announced. “You know that?”

“It’s been said by you many times,” you chuckled. “Just go. Have fun.”

Jackson gave you a parting kiss on the cheek as he always did and was halfway out the door when he called out, “Have a good swim.”

You had donned a bikini and a towel with the intent of visiting the pool. At night it was generally empty and you could swim a few laps in peace. You figured it would help you relax and clear your head.

Which was what you did.

As you swam back and forth, back and forth, your thoughts were a constant cycle of Jackson and Jaebeom. The sex with Jackson had been so mind-blowing and eye-opening that you couldn’t stop thinking about just how good it felt. Then, you circled back to Jaebeom and how badly your heart ached.

How much you still loved him.

He was all you wanted. You had spent the summer falling more and more in love with him. He had always been a friend that kept you at arm’s length. Jaebeom was mysterious and aloof, and you fell headfirst in the trap of him.

But you couldn’t stop being that naive little girl. Imagining a life with him. You pictured marrying him. You thought about the white picket fence around whatever house you got together. You wondered how many kids you would have.

It was sickening.

He made you want the life your mother had always planned on forcing upon you.

A large splash made you lurch up, surprised beyond measure when Jaebeom emerged from the water. He threw his head back, tossing the long hair out of his face, and he had never looked so damn intoxicating.

Your eyes met and your heart skipped a beat.

“I’m done playing games with you,” Jaebeom said, swimming nearer.

“Is that so?” you retorted, feigning indifference.

Jaebeom whispered, “Tell me you don’t want me.”

You stared him down, but you couldn’t bring yourself to lie. Of course, you wanted him. You wanted him with every fiber of your being.

At your silence, Jaebeom swam forward, wrapping his arms around you and pressing his lips to yours.

You cradled his head and kissed him back. You locked your legs around his waist, trying to trap him to you forever.

And you wracked your brain for what would make him stay.

Jaebeom kissed you harder and harder, roaming his hands up and down your sides as he bobbed in the pool. There was a slight catch in your breath with the rush of his kisses and Jaebeom could hear his pulse pounding in his ears.

You woke something in him. Jaebeom realized it the first day he spent without you. He needed it back. He needed that high, that rush.

Tugging at his hair, you broke away, breathing loudly. Jaebeom didn’t hesitate to latch his lips to your neck.

“I know what this is,” you panted, lashes fluttering.

“Tell me,” Jaebeom growled, lips smacking with wet kisses beneath your ear.

You gripped his hair tighter and draped an arm across his broad shoulders. “You’re mad I didn’t come crawling back to you,” you sighed, resisting a moan when you felt his tongue. “You wanted me to beg you to take me back so you could have the pleasure of saying no.”

Jaebeom kept sucking your neck and his voice was barely a whisper when he confessed, “I can’t get you out of my head.”

You wrestled out of his grasp and swam backwards, grabbing the edge of the pool and hoisting yourself up, but you kept your legs in the water, kicking them back and forth.

“If you’re gonna hurt me, then just leave me alone,” you sighed in defeat.

“I admit it,” Jaebeom said sharply. “You were the biggest challenge I ever had and I took it too far.”

There was no flicker of expression on your face. “Mm.”

Jaebeom approached you tentatively and said, “You got under my skin.”

“Imagine that,” you sneered. “I broke Lim Jaebeom.”

“I…,” Jaebeom hesitated, avoiding your eyes. “I know when it was all over and done with, I felt something for you. And I didn’t know what to do with feelings like that.”

That hurt you even more. He was more afraid of his feelings than breaking your heart.

“That’s sad,” you told him bitterly. “You’re a pathetic excuse for a human being. You know that, right?”

Jaebeom glanced up. Of course, he knew that, but he couldn’t stop. “Ouch,” he shot back.

You shivered in the cool night air, eyes falling from his piercing eyes to the wide expanse of his chest. Where you assumed a heart was beating in tandem with yours.

If there even was a heart in there at all.

“I gave you a part of myself and it meant nothing to you,” you continued, voice trembling. “You will never know what that feels like.”

Jaebeom was quick to counter, “I do know what it feels like.”

You rolled your eyes and snapped, “How could you possibly…”

Jaebeom looked away, frowning in contempt.

You tilted your head and muttered, “So the rumors are true? You do this to get back at a girl?”

Jaebeom shot you a glance and snapped, “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

You lowered back into the pool, dipping down until the surface was to your neck. “Me of all people,” you asserted. “Yes, you do.”

Jaebeom groaned.

You swam back into his grasp, smiling faintly when he eagerly wrapped his arms around you. Taking his face tenderly in your hands and losing yourself inside the endless black of his eyes, you purred, “If you tell me, I’ll kiss you again.”

The corner of his mouth twitched, like the thought pleased him. Like he wanted nothing more in this world to kiss you. But not at the expense of bearing his soul. “It would take a lot more than kissing to get that out of me.”

You chuckled, tangling a loose lock of his hair around your finger and combing it off of his forehead. You wanted to kiss him so bad you couldn’t stand it. Feeling his body against yours drove you into madness and desire.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you said, “Let me ask you something.”

“Sure,” he replied.

His eyes were fixated to your face. Every tiny flicker across your features had his attention. No one had ever looked at him the way you did. The blue hue of the pool made you look otherworldly. And the stars danced in your irises.

Your voice was tender when you asked, “How many hearts do you have to break before yours will heal?”

Jaebeom grit his teeth. He didn’t deserve your compassion. Gathering you in his arms a little tighter, he began gliding around the pool, seemingly dancing with you beneath the moonlight. “I don’t know yet,” he ultimately answered.

“I want to be the last,” you coaxed, resting your head on the bend of his shoulder. “Don’t do this anymore.”

Jaebeom leaned his head against yours and chided, “How can you still care about me after what I did to you?”

You blinked. Because I’m in love with you. Because I've never felt about anyone the way I do about you. Because when I’m with you, I’m whole again. You broke me - only you can fix me.

“I wonder if the boy I loved last summer was the real Jaebeom, and this one is just the face he shows the rest of the world,” you spoke in his ear, traveling the gentlest touches of your fingers up and down his back.

Jaebeom snorted, rebuffing that notion. You thought more highly of him than he did. “Don’t get your hopes up, baby.”

“Trust me. My hopes are dead and buried,” you replied dryly, pulling back to meet his eyes one last time.

Jaebeom sighed when your lips met. His arms tightened around your waist, sensing you were about to leave him and wanting to dissuade you. This just felt so right. Even he had to admit it.

But Jaebeom knew he was defined by destroying whatever he touched.

There was no future for you and him. No chance of commitment or intimacy. Not when the world had beaten the heart and soul out of him. Jaebeom didn’t know how to love and he dared never trust anyone but himself.

You broke the kiss, lashes fluttering as you felt the threat of tears. “Goodnight, Jaebeom,” you whispered.

Jaebeom kept his hands on your body until you had completely slipped from his hold and swam to the edge of the pool. He watched you grab your towel and leave, never looking back.

He wiped a hand down his face, blinking the water from his eyes. He wasn’t sure of much, but Jaebeom knew he had to have you.

Stepping into Jackson’s cabin, you were pleased to find him taking off his watch and rings.

He looked up and asked cheerfully, “Hey, how was the pool?”

You trudged toward him with purpose in your step and asked harshly, “Did you sleep with Yeona?”

Jackson laughed, not yet noticing the way you closed in on him like an apex predator, and said, “Nah, not even close. It’s gonna take time to…”

You pulled off your towel and collided into him, smashing your lips on his.

Jackson grunted and took your waist in his hands, mumbling something against your mouth.

Your lips parted with a loud smack and you cradled his face firmly when you said, “Fuck me until I can’t think. Until I forget everything.”

Jackson’s pupils dilated and he knew exactly what you needed - and what had happened. He dipped down, hooking his arms beneath your thighs and hoisting you up.

You grinned at getting what you wanted, your racing pulse migrating down to between your thighs.

Jackson dropped you on his bed and hovered over you, rising long enough to pull the shirt over his head and across the room.

“So, you saw Jaebeom at the pool, huh?”

You grimaced. Nothing escaped your best friend. “Yeah.”

Jackson lifted on his knees, proceeding to unbuckle his belt. “He’s back in the game, you know,” he told you warily.

You lay there with hands at opposite sides of your head, pliant and waiting. “I know,” you admitted, more so to yourself.

Jackson pushed his pants down. “What do you need me to do?”

You covered your face, on the verge of frustration, and cried, “He makes me so fucking crazy.”

Something in Jackson’s chest clenched and he reached forward to take your hand, refusing to let you hide behind it. He kissed your fingers sweetly and made himself comfortable on top of you. “I’ll make you forget him, baby.”

“For a little while,” you sighed.

Those words weren’t lost on Jackson, but he couldn’t think past his desire to indulge in your body again. Your need made him so hard.

Lifting your leg high on his waist, Jackson whispered, “Only think of me.”

Your eyes rolled back and you hummed softly when Jackson began to kiss your neck. You knew then what a dangerous game this was you were playing, but as you felt Jackson’s weight on you, Jaebeom was slipping from your mind.

“Only you, baby,” you crooned in his ear.

And it was true. When you were with Jackson, all you knew was the passion you made together. To be with someone you trusted - mind, body and soul was all-consuming.

You were left to wonder how something could feel so right when it was being done for all the wrong reasons.

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[snapefiction]

You are all I am still being for - Snapefiction

A/N: Thank you so much for this Request! ( @artisticreptilequeen ) I had a fun but also hard time writing it and by now I have read it like a thousand times and can't decide wether I like or dislike it anymore but still as always- I hope you love it! Happy Valentines day and don't forget to love yourself. 💓

❤️ Please remember that English isn’t my native language and that my Writings will include Mistakes and maybe weird formed sentences. ❤️

Word Count: 7338

Trigger Warnings: Breakup, Swearing, Angst

Y/N - Your Name

You are all I am still being for

It was always quite clear to you of how you imagined your Future. Since Severus entered your life or more likely stumbled into your life he was a part of your planned Future. And Despite everyones expectations the both of you connected quickly and stayed together even after you both graduated. It wasn’t easy to make things work all the time, it was rather tough and tricky. But it never had really bothered you. Not until now. You rarely spoke anymore. You lived together but past each other. You simply became strangers. So the both of you knew what would have to happen.

Looking in his eyes you couldn’t see the warmth they once gave you but shivers.Looking in his eyes you felt like you looked through them.

,,Is it because of me?“ He shook his head slowly but steady. Gasping for a bit of air he hesitated before answering.

,,We aren’t the same anymore. I feel like-“ ,,You don’t know me anymore?“ He closed his mouth. Blinked once and lowered his Glance. You knew that feeling and you also knew defeat. There was no difference anymore. Not in his words wether in his actions. You were defeated and it took over your relationship.

,,We have changed. We won’t work out anymore.“ The Words swept through the room as your Eyes looked into each others again. Now it was you. You gasped for air only to hold back a sob. As Always he hurried over to you, slung his arms around your bent figure and leaned his head on yours.The Tears were streaming- they didn’t even announce themselves but just flood out of your eyes as soon as the heartbreaking sob left your lips. There were so many Moments you knew that a relationship wouldn’t be able to last through this. Some things break under pressure and now as sad as it was - it was your time to break. Your greatest Vulnerability hit you and somehow you knew that you wouldn’t be able to fully recover from this.

„I´ll miss you.“ You said not really knowing how honest those words were meant to be.

- Four Months. It have been four Months since you and Severus have broken. Not only did you move out of your shared chambers but also quit your Job at Hogwarts.You were desperate to try something new for a long time now and maybe this would be your new start into a new adventure.

Thinking about it you almost smiled. You had a rough time lately, well, you literally just broke up with your ex boyfriend of more than just a few intense years. For Today was set a Celebration in honour of Hogwarts and the end of the School year. Also you counted it as your Goodbye to the castle and hoped it would made you feel anything more like a independent Person who was about to seek a new adventure. So you wore your prettiest Clothes, pinned up your hair and prep talked yourself ready for the Party. Remus, your best friend told you to meet him there. So you made your way there being excited and happy. There was almost no chance that Severus would be there too since he despised Parties and People in general . Perfect for you. Walking through the Room, grabbing a drink you were looking for your best friend. He was always late since he started dating Tonks which you actually didn’t mind. Soaking yourself in the Expectation that Remus would follow you any minute you looked around and greeted some guests. Until your eyes met her. She was like jewellery hanging on his arm decorating him. Severus was there with someone. Quickly turning to Filius who suddenly just stood next to you, you asked him everything about her.

,,Filius, who’s that girl?“ As he answered you didn’t even noticed how you stopped paying attention to him after he gave you enough information. All you saw were them.

Sky. She was literally named after the beautifulest creations of all and you couldn’t hold your thoughts back but compare yourself to her. To her beauty as she stood there in the dim candlelight. To her laughter as she laughed slightly at one of someones jokes. To her smile as she appreciated nice words from one of the other guests. To her whole being as she stood this close to the Man you still loved. She was perfect and like a avalanche self doubt, sorrow and even self pity swept you off the ground. At first you just stared over to her again and again, then you began to walk from the middle of the room to the edge only to crook your Posture and hoped to become invisible. She was so slim, so beautiful, so smart and interesting while you felt like a useless speck of dust. Even if you wouldn’t compare yourself to her you wouldn’t be able to not notice the way he looked at her. How Severus laid his Hand on her upper back. How he smiled and drank from his Glas. How he actually made people smile. Your stomach turned and you intended to leave the room. Enough is enough. Your feet carried you outwards the Room through the corridors to your Chambers.  As if it wasn’t enough that you had to see her you also had to see him in a way that you weren’t able to make him - happy. Pressing your lips to a thin line you tried to swallow the sobs that pressured to be let out. The Tears were already flooding but you told yourself you would hold back as long as you can. The Halls seemed endless long and you tried to not think of every memory you had shared with him that drained you to a total breakdown.

It was too much for your dear heart to handle. Seeing him not noticing you was a lot but seeing him not noticing you because he was happy with someone else was summoning all your worst nightmares. Also it weren’t just your feelings. It was the physical Pain it caused you. The way your chest burned and heart was in pure pain. How your fingertips turned numb, your earlobes felt warm, your knees almost gave in and your face became puffy and red. It was the pain of it all. And by that it was clear.  The both of you were officially broken up.

Hearing a knock you got out off bed. You pulled your Jacket over your arms and tiptoed to the door. Merlin, it was way to late for visitors. You have been falling asleep while crying earlier and would’ve wished it could’ve stayed this way. Opening the Door it was Remus standing in the middle of the frame waiting for you.

,,How are you?“ Shrugging your shoulders you stepped aside. As if your puffy face, the way you left the Party early and probably Filius confused reaction weren’t enough to tell.

,,How am I supposed to feel after that?“ Smiling emphatically with pity he accepted the silent invite and sat down at your sofa. Following him you started to babble. „Do you know her? Did you knew about this?“ The words you actually didn’t expected a answer but they left your mouth so quickly.

Sighing he nodded almost invisible. ,,I’ve met her at the Ministry before but I didn’t knew about their relationship or whatever it may be. Oddly he hasn’t told me when I picked up my Potions.“ A small ironic laughter escaped you. Severus would probably never get along with Remus.  

,,Of course not. I´m sorry, it´s just.. I’m still..“

,,Hurt?“ He took the teapot from the desk and filled two cuppas for the both of you. Shrugging your shoulders which felt like you had to carry a enormous weight you didn’t answer any further and tried to sort your thoughts.

,,There are only three weeks left of school and i have talked to Sirius-´´He passed you your teacup. ,,And he’d glad to welcome you. Until you found a place of your own.“ Your eyes were locked with the cup in your Hands. You tried to forget this part. All your belongings were still at Severus House at Spinners End. You couldn’t stay there any longer and had to get them. You had to face the bare truth one last time before your past would be able to vanish behind all the barriers that you were trying to build.

,,Y/N?“ Looking up you just nodded. ,,Thank you, Remus. It’s tough finding something- those are tough times.“ Again he smiled. As always was Remus proving you that he’d always be there to help you out.

,,Do you think I can get my stuff this weekend and get it to the Grimmaulds Place? I don’t want to step on Severus toes and rely on him any longer than needed.“

,,Sirius told me that you’re welcome any time.“ Swallowing a lump from your throat you looked at him.

,,What would I do without you?“ Refilling his cup again he laughed.

,,No worries, dear. That’s what friends are for. Can I help you with something else?“

,,No.“ You sighed and tried to smile gratefully. ,,Can you just talk to me about something else?“ And after that he told you about anything that had happened at the Party besides Severus. About how Filch danced with Mrs. Norris, Hagrid and Filius sang together and Horace Slughorn himself broke his own Butterbeer Record.

The Weekend crept around rather quickly and as you were walking out of the cabin it was like a Suction. You took in everything at once. The smell of Severus that laid in the Air. The small Details hidden in his Bookshelves, the flair of the house itself. Everything.

This didn’t feel like leaving Severus, you thought, it feels like losing your Home. At first you weren’t daring to walk around so you just hurried upstairs. Grabbing your Bag you charmed it so you’d be able to make everything fit in there. You grabbed your clothes, your notebooks, a few of your books, personal belongings and last but not least you stopped at your Night shelf. Pulling it open you looked at the Necklace that Severus had gotten you as Teenagers. At the Letters you kept from him. The Newspaper Article of him and his favourite Book that he wanted to know safe in your Possession. Those were the last things connecting you to him. For a second you stopped. Looking at the content from above before only taking the Letters you once received from him. Those other things simply weren’t meant for you anymore.

Shoving them carefully into your Bag you closed it up and pulled it over your shoulder. This would be the last time that you’d visit this place. For a moment you thought about walking around one last time and soaking all the left memories in but as you heard noises from downstairs you apparated away. Standing in front of the Grimmaulds Place No. 12 you knew that this was your silent goodbye to Severus and the life you had connected to him.

,,Home, sweet Home. Or more like Room, sweet Room.“ Sirius joked while showing you your new accommodation.

,,I promise that I won’t bother you for too long.“ Shaking his Head he just laughed again.

,,You don’t bother me at all. Actually I’m pretty happy that I’m not alone in this house. Kreacher can be a dunderhead but I hope you’ll still like it here.“

,,It’s a beautiful House.“ A nod from both sides. ,,I´m glad you’re here, Y/N.“

,,Thank you, Sirius.“ Appreciating your friends benevolence you sat down on the bed.

By that he left the room and for the first time in your life you were truly alone.

-

Your Job at the Ministry started well. Your colleagues were warm hearted and welcomed you quickly. It was easy to fulfil every expectations and still have fun at work. So it came that you connected to your colleagues quickly too. Especially with Achilles Grey. A young blonde Man who was working in a office above you. He was offering to show you around and connected his intentions by also inviting you to dinner afterwards. At first you declined but after a few weeks you gave in to get his begging to an end.

Seeing Achilles was different. He was mindful. He pushed your chair back for you. He didn’t kiss your Lips but the back of your Hand as a greeting. He brought you Flowers every now and then and he cared. He cared for you. And when he kissed you on this night after he took you out for dinner everything was different. Your heart broke again. It broke in two. Because for once you were happy again but it wasn’t with the Person you planned your life out with. It was bittersweet.

Slowly, torturing slowly for him but for you furiously fast, you two grew closer together. And after five Months of meeting up for dinners regularly, talking within your breaks and having his full attention at all times you two entered a committed relationship.

It’s not like you asked him to give you presents all the time, focusing completely on you, having him always paying dinner and anything else but he practically begged you to let him do this for you. He wanted to spoil you rotten as his love language. It was a confusion trait of your relationship because you simply weren’t used to this. To love loudly and openly. It wasn’t  balanced like with Severus. With Achilles it was all or nothing, he loved in extreme ways. Or at least that’s the way you felt like. Everyone around you was admiring your relationship calling it unique and meant to be.

You didn’t knew what your relationship really depended on. Was it Love? Trust? Or just the need of being with someone? Was it the fear of being alone? Whatever it was, it was a lot. And it was fast. So to relieve Sirius hospitality you even accepted to move in with Achilles after a short amount of being together. Things went on quickly but Achilles never mind. Actually sometimes he was already talking about a marriage or children as he couldn’t wait to finally achieve the Life he dreamed about so badly.

-

Sobbing you walked through the Grimmaulds Place. It was horrific. Another Fight within three days. Quickly you walked through the Corridor only to run up the Stairs where you almost crushed together with Remus. Wiping your eyes you tried to hide your pain.

,,Y/N..“ He didn’t asked what had happened since he already knew what had been going on. Without saying anything he embraced your hug. Sushing silently he patted your Back. ,,If you’d like to talk- then Sirius and I are always here for you.“

Nodding you carefully let go while trying not to cry for a few seconds. He was right. It wasn’t right of you to storm his house regularly without telling him what was going on at all. So a few Minutes later you found yourself sitting at the long table starting to talk about Achilles and yours Relationship.

„He wants it. He wants it all. A Family with children, a House to call our own, a Marriage, Me and if it’s possible everything by tomorrow. And he loves me so much. I can’t remember someone loving me so much. But I never felt so alone. So alone and lost. I’m not ready for this. I can’t give him all of this.“ You ended admitting while wiping your nose not daring to look up to the both of them. Your friends have never seen you like that. You never have talked to them about your relationship with Severus because except the part that you grew to live apart you never had issues like that. Only when it was too late they had to carry your sorrow and take care of you the way you’ve down for them a million times before.

,,It’s okay. You don’t have to do anything of that.“ Remus began shoving some chocolate over the Table.

,,He’s a Prick for always fighting with you.“ Sirius began and the Conversation just got lost in a discussion about what you truly deserved and some more and some less precious advices from them. The Conversation went along in front of your eyes but you weren’t a part of it. That’s how you have felt since a while now. Life went on in front of your eyes but you weren’t a part of it. You felt like a doll. Living up to everyone exceptions of a good girlfriend, friend, worker and human. But you didn’t notice how quickly you lost yourself.

-

You hated the Heat. You turned to hate the Summer. You’ve been together with Achilles something over a year yet which lead to certain events happening. Big Events happening and following. Nervous you sat down at one of the rather rare Meetings of the Order. After Voldemorts Death multiple Years ago you only met up a few times a year. That’s why everyone was greeting each other happily and waited for everyone to meet up.

,,It’s nice to see you again, Y/N.“ Albus spoke softly to you. ,,And congratulations on the Engagement.“ Nodding you tried to over hear it and somehow play it off. Engagement. What a irrational idea of itself, you thought.

,,Engagement?“ Molly quickly gasped and hurried over to look at the Ring on your Hand. ,,When did he ask you? How did he ask you?“ Quietly you started to talk while Molly held onto your Finger.

,,We went on a walk and at our favourite Place he dropped on one knee and asked me.“ Your mumbled. You felt so exposed and exploited and couldn’t feel the happiness that everyone was showing you. The whole Situation died down completely as Severus walked in. Molly let go of your hand and smilingly went to the Kitchen to get more tea. But Severus eyes immediately fell on you. On the Ring on your Hand. His reaction was important for you. You couldn’t tell why but you had to know how he reacts but when he showed you no emotion at all you felt disappointed. He only had to say one word and you’d change your mind on being with Achilles. Severus still owned your feelings but time made you change your Priorities. Why being with someone who can’t love me back? So why shouldn’t I be in a relationship with someone who was loving me to pieces and make him happy and fulfil his wishes. Even if it had cost you your happiness.

-

Slowly guiding the beautiful white dress over your curves you looked at yourself in the mirror. Pressing your lips to a thin line you tried to figure out who that in the mirror might be. It wasn’t the self vision you once owned by yourself anymore. It was a lonely human, a silent human. So much has changed in the last time and still you never found happiness in not even one thing. You simply became a version of yourself that you never knew laid within you. The silent version. The one that had no energy anymore. The one that forgot to laugh. But you have told yourself that you loved him, you loved Achilles so that’s why you were saying yes all those time ago and now willed to marry him.

Quietly almost inaudible you heard a small short knock. Was it a knock? Or just imagination? As you intended to call them in you heard a loud knock. A determined one.

,,Come in.“ You said while pulling the dress over your shoulders and putting the veil in your hair. Slow and silent Movements were now to be heard in the room.

,,Achilles, it’s bad luck that you see me before the ceremony.“ You whispered while turning away from the mirror now not being able to see him and sliding into your shoes. He never had high expectations when it was a bout rules or traditions. The Figure stood behind you but you just closed your eyes. Even if he hated traditions you wouldn’t ruin them. But as he said nothing you got confused. Wasn’t he supposed to already await you at the Aisle?

,,Please, don’t marry him.“ Your eyes shot open and your feet quickly made you spun around. You’d recognise his voice out of a million ones. Blinking you tried to hold back tears that quickly swelled up. Your Lips shivered but you weren’t able to form sentences besides a small: ,,What?“.

Severus was standing there in front of you, not Achilles. His tall Figure was enveloped in his formal black suit. He looked thinner and  his face wasn’t just usually pale but almost grey. Damp hung his hair low covering a half of his face. He had gotten some brighter hairs between his black ones. Like you were caught in a dream you looked up to him. He also seemed to be taller which was probably just a fabrication of your fantasy. But in your mind he was almost towering you.

„Don´t marry him, Y/N.“ The onyx eyes became glossy as they connected to yours again. For a second you forgot what he meant or which Wedding he was indicating to. Until his desperate voice made you realise it quickly like they would hit you with a brick.

,,I can see that you’re not happy.“ His Hands rushed through his hair brushing strains behind his ear. ,,Please. We´re both not happy anymore, are we?“ Your Throat was like sealed. You were looking for words but there were no right words for you. Whatever you’d say now was decisive for someone else’s life.

,,Severus, I don’t know what to say. You know that- I can’t do this.“ Quickly he shook his head.

,,Why not?“ Your eyes scanned the room in hectic while avoiding him. Was this real? Your heart was blasting against your ribcage.,,Because it’s not fair. I can’t do this to him on our meant to be wedding day.“ Quickly Severus took your hands in his.

,,You know that that’s not true. It was never fair of him to force this Engagement on to you.“ Suddenly he stood so close. Your breathing slowed down and you closed your eyes only to feel his presence.

,,What do you want me to do? What am I supposed to say?“ One of his tall Hands wandered under your chin only to make you look up to him.

,,Tell him the Truth. That he isn’t good enough for you and never will be. That you despise everything about him.About this Life and that you’re way better off with-"

,,With you? Is that what you’re trying to say? If I may remind you-" You pulled your chin away and let go of his hand only to step back a few feet. ,,If I may remind you of the Fact that you didn’t want me either. That we weren’t good enough for each other as well.“ Pulling off your Gloves you sniffed. ,,You did a very good Job at proving it to me everyday.“ Tears started to smear your make up but you couldn't care less. This - whatever was happening right now - was more important than anything else to you. Now it was Severus who hesitated before he shook his head.

,,But I still love you. Everyday I wake up I realise it’s only you that I’m still living for. Without you I would’ve been dead by now a million times. Everyday I survived I dedicate to you. And I know that if you will marry this idiocy of a man I won’t be tomorrow. I will break into a thousand pieces and spend the rest of my life thinking about a life that could've been mine. I can't pretend that everything is fine when you're back at Hogwarts when I know you made a big mistake. You are all I am still being for. Are you even happy anymore? Please, don’t marry him. That’s all I’m asking for. Not any other chances or anything else but please don’t marry him.“

,,Now that I'm trying to do something right you show up and want me to give up everything I build up."

,,I ask you to do the right thing for yourself." He concluded before taking a step forward. Your Voices were now risen out of the heat just to turn down in the following second.

,,What about Sky? What about Achilles? What about me? What are we supposed to do?" Again he tried to reach out for your hand. Just to hold it carefully.

,,Sky? She never was important to me and Achilles has been engaged several times before which he always called off on his own. He will survive. But I want you to survive and to be able to become happy again. I saw your face when you announced the Engagement that wasn’t love you were talking about. I know your love.“

,,I spent my entire Life loving you and .. and now you ask me to do the unbearable for you. All the Reasons you named.. they were all dedicating to your own luck."

,,Because you are my Luck."

,,Severus, This is not a Game."

,,I know it's hard and I know that you're confused. But if you ever doubted this and want to run away I will be waiting for you in front of the Church."

He slightly pressed your hand carefully before taking a last deep look in your eyes only to vanish behind the white old wooden door.

The only thing left you could hear was your heartbeat. How loud your blood pressed through your veins and ended up in that burning point behind your ribs. Your mouth run dry and you didn't dare to move. Did this really happen? Was he really here? A mixture of every possible emotion was rushing through you.

Even though you knew the hurtful consequences you did the only right thing left to do. Time was rushing and your blood pressure was working up louder and louder in your ears like you woke up from a fever dream.

Your feet hurt from the high white shoes that you had been wearing all day long but now wasn’t the time to complain. And when you took the stairs, almost running you felt like you'd escape. Like you were breaking free. The Bells rung which was your sign to walk up the aisle. But instead of running to the chapel your feet carried you through the huge doors. Away from the few people that have been waiting for this Wedding. Away from Achilles, his Life and all his expectations that never suited you anyways.

And when you opened the door to the old blue shabby car you just grabbed your dress and left everything behind. As the Cardoor closed Severus didn't hesitated. He started the Motor and looked at you one last time.

,,Are you ready?“ Nodding you smiled. For the first time in years you really smiled which turned into a lough heartfelt laughter. And as soon as you crossed the corner Severus let the car fly towards a new destination that would now change your life for the better.

-

Two months later. To be exact two months, nine days and almost 9 Hours later you were nervously standing in front of Achilles and your Flats Door. Just Breathe- you told yourself which had a rather uncalming effect because you were already breathing, right? And it wasn't solving your problems just like that. Knocking twice he already opened the door. The Frown on his face was hurtful but you had no right to be hurt. You did this to him and you felt no regrets so you had to go through this.

,,Y/N." He greeted before walking down the Flat you just until the latest events have had shared.

,,Achilles, can we talk for a moment?" He stopped in his tracks standing in the middle of the small hallway.

,,I don't know what you want to talk about. I was just hoping that I finally found my significant other. For the first time in my life I was completely sure about something. It's just-" he turned around. ,,I'm not the one you want." His bright eyes grew glossy for a moment but then he turned back around. ,,I just hope that you're happier." And by that he lead the way for you to the bedroom. He already collected some things of yours and lined them up in the bed.

,,Thank you.“ He nodded firmly and tried not to look at you. He was dealing with it in his own strict ways. Quickly and carefully you collected your few Belongings before you turned to him one last time.

,,I'm sorry, I really am but.. I couldn't give you what you wanted so bad. You'll find them and will be the most happiest you ever were. You're a good Person." Again he just nodded and watched you leaving the Bedroom. As you held the Doorknob of the Entrance door in your hand you heard him one last time.

,,And i hope Severus will treat you right this time." Quickly you turned around. Your eyebrows were furrowed and you opened your mouth to say something but stopped quickly. You haven't though about getting back together with Severus until just now. He helped you move back to Hogwarts and that Thing at the Wedding. "That Thing". But getting back together? You ran away from a wedding, your wedding to be specific and now he thinks you rambled from one relationship to the next? Well, what else was he supposed to believe as you ran away with your Ex? You closed your Mouth, opened the door and left without further Words. This simply wasn’t your Home anymore.

-

Since the Wedding and after he helped you get back to Hogwarts Severus hasn’t had spoken to you. You hadn't intended a conversation either but also there was no possibility for it. You decided to get your thoughts straight back first.

When you were accepting the job a while back last school year which was around three months before your Wedding you weren't expecting your „comeback“ like that. Single again, running to your chambers only wearing your brides dress, your veil, white high heels and the prettiest underwear ever and starting a new chapter you knew nothing about.

It was a rare gift for you to be able to comeback to Hogwarts. After your and Severus Breakup you were quickly on your feet to practically flee from him. So as surprise as Dumbledore was as you left the school you were even more surprised that he asked you come back. The Job at the Ministry was alright. It was simple and the People were nice but it could never fulfil you as much as the Job as a Teacher did. Also it was no big secret that not only the Teaching at Hogwarts was special. The whole atmosphere took you back to a completely different Time. You didn’t only accept a Job but a different world of it’s own.

,,Y/N! I´m happy yer back! I think ye won’t need a Tour around, do ya?“ Hagrid joked at Dinner while shoving a whole steak into his mouth. Shaking your head you laughed only to answer:,,I don’t think so, but thank you.“ As your smile turned into a grin you noticed someone walking up to the Dinner Table as well. You didn’t had to take a look to know who it was. You’d recognise him everywhere. His steps almost echoed in the Hall and as quick as he walked he was sitting down next to you. It was weird at first, sitting next to him again after everything that had happened. The both of you haven’t talked about the wedding anymore. You haven’t talked in General and it was weird. The last time the two of you met he confessed all his feelings to you after not talking for almost a few years and now he sat there not even looking at you. It probably was his way of dealing with - with what exactly? Probably everything.

,,Good evening, Severus.“ You greeted silently before taking a bite of your favourite Food as well. Those three words costed you a lot of Courage which were quickly gifted by his response.

,,Evening.“ As Charming as always he didn’t hesitate you remain cold and as silent as possible. Continuing to eat you suddenly felt different. It didn’t feel like the new adventure anymore like you just had titled it. It was like a wave taking you over. For a second you stopped in your tracks until you realised that it was the feeling of feeling like yourself again. You grew back to the Person you aspired to be and the Person you were the most comfortable being. A great way to start your old new life you thought before finishing dinner and preparing you classes for tomorrow.

Stressed you grabbed your book and started to wander. Even though you loved teaching it could be difficult at times. Just like today you had a massive Headache. Everywhere you went was someone following and asking you questions. You knew how important the O.W.L´s are but sometimes the stressed students seem to forget how desperately you were already trying to help them reach the best Knowledge they can and how exhausted you got too after your first month back at Hogwarts. So with no other intention than finding some peace you ran up to the Astrology Tower. Holding the Book close so the last few Papers you had to grade wouldn’t slip you took a deep breath as you got there. To your surprise you weren’t alone. Severus sat there hunched over some papers looking up like a caught deer.

,,Oh, I´m sorry. I can leave if you want. I just needed a quiet Place.“

,,I did too.“ He cleared his throat. „Take a seat.“ Severus said before turning back to his book. Quietly to not disturb the silence and found peace you sat down on the floor leaning your back against the wall. You’ve been sitting on this hard chair in your office and classes all day and now you were glad to finally just lean against something and pull your knees close so you could lean your papers and book against your legs. Sometimes you heard Severus Feather scratching on the Paper or him huffing - probably because of some silly answers from one of his students. Back then the both of you used to chuckle at them together. But besides that it was silent. The Sun went slowly down and as you finally lightened some Candles he turned on his seat towards you.

,,Are you even comfortable down there?“ His pale face was turned worried but you just smiled and nodded.

,,Actually it’s way more comfortable than it may seem. You should give it a try.“ A short moment on you could see his thoughts debate but as you put your book aside and moved a little bit so he would have enough space he got up only to sit down on the floor next to you. Somehow he looked kind of lost alone there on the floor next to you. You saw that not the surface was uncomfortable for him but the Situation in general. Your smile left your lips as you began to wonder how the person you not only trusted but also loved the most could turn into a stranger.

„Isn’t it weird to-“ You took a deep breath only to pause a bit longer and continue as the words finally came to your mind. „Isn’t it weird to just sit here? After everything we’ve been through?“ His dark eyes looked over to you. He looked so tired and time had made him age years. „I do not only miss you.. I miss my Best Friend.“ His lips were sealed as he listened to your confession. As always he sorted his Thoughts first before saying anything. A nod followed and now he straightened his Back.

„We’ve been together our whole Life. It’s not easy to ignore it all and act like there has never been anything between the both of us.“ His eyes didn’t leave yours. He was paying full attention to all of you right now.

„Be honest.“ Your Heart raced like crazy as it was a important Question for you. „Don’t you miss me just a bit?“ Rolling his eyes he shook his head smiling vividly.

„You really think I wouldn’t miss you?“ Carefully his Hand crept closer to yours until he took it in his. „Why would I have made you changed your mind at the Wedding if I wasn’t missing you?“

„You make it look so easy.“ Your Body moved closer to him. This burning sensation came back until your faces were so close the tip of your noses touched and your lips could almost feel the warmth of his. The intensity of your feelings were almost overtaking you.

„You do too.“ His eyes were closed and he had to restrain as good as he could trying to give you the space you asked for so badly a few years ago. His heart was racing, screaming at him to move to fill the little gasp between you. But he didn’t do it.

„We both know we wouldn’t work out in a relationship.“ He mumbled and when his Lip accidentally stroked yours for a millisecond he almost broke down.

„We could.. just for the melancholy..“ Your eyes were closed by now too. Being this close was messing with your senses. His smell was filling your nose, his air filling your lungs and he at all made your blood boil.„Just a kiss.“ You whsipered.

„Just a kiss.“ Nodding, because you were unable to speak you felt him finally doing it. His Lips touched yours. Eagerly, hungry, loving. His Hands left yours and his cupped your cheeks only to deepen the kiss and make sure he wasn’t dreaming. Your Hands were grasped to his collar, he loved it whenever you did that to him. If he only knew what he still did to you. From a fast passionate kiss it slowed down to a loving desperate one. Gasping for air you had to let go of him. His eyes were widened and he was shocked.

„Just for the Melancholy.“ He now repeated while nodding quickly and Severus kissed you again. Again. Again. And again. You lost the track of time for a moment. Just a loud Noise made you tear apart. You accidentally pushed one of the Candleholders over. Flustered and blushing you woke up from the Trance that had overtaken you. The Wax had spilled on the Floor and as it splashed right next to your Papers you quickly got up to check up on those. As you flicked through the Pages you sighed in relief. Thankfully everything was till fine. In the Meantime was Severus already casting away the spilled Mess and made some distance between the both of you. He was still overwhelmed by the Situation, just as you were.

„Do you want me to walk you back to your chambers? It’s already very late.“ A smile widened on your face as you got up from the Floor. „Just for the Melancholy?“ Quickly he smiled and even though he tried to hide his cheeks behind his curtain of hair you saw him blushing. The walk was silent at first. You were still thinking about what had happened but as your chambers got closer and closer you just started to babble about the first thing that came into your mind until you did reach your door. Severus was listening carefully to every word you spoke. He always has been a good listener and you knew how much more he enjoyed to listen rather than to speak. Holding the Doorknob in your Hand you smiled vividly at him.

„Thank you.“ His Figure in this dim light made your knees weak. All the thoughts about him made you weak. He made you vulnerable again.

„Goodnight, Y/N.“ And as you walked into your chambers and saw those raw Walls again you knew you wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight. All your Thoughts this night would be dedicated to Severus, again. You were so thankful that he had been saving you from one of the worst decisions that you could’ve ever made.

It became a habitat of yours to finish your classes as fast as you could, eat some lunch and then finally almost run to the Astrology Tower every Afternoon. And as always as you saw him you two promised that there were no Feelings attached and it was just for the Melancholy. At first you thought it would be a clever idea. Hide all your Feelings behind this Barriers of Lies. But time proved you wrong. You felt this addiction again, you wanted more of him ,no- you needed more of him. Each one of the thousands of Kisses made you desperate for more. Things got more and more steamy. Hands started wandering more and further and every Night you walked back to your Rooms with him by your side only to drop you off to shorter Nights and needier and more desperate Thoughts than ever. The rest that was left of you now was just a mess. You needed to talk to him, get the collected Frustration that build up finally released. You needed clarification. After three Months of meeting him everyday you needed him to know about your emotions.

You even skipped Lunch to run to the Astronomy Tower. You couldn’t wait to talk to him. Of course you were afraid since the only thing that made this flirtation work was the pretext of doing it because anything else wouldn’t work out in other contexts. But for you it wasn’t just Melancholy anymore. It probably never was.

Opening the Door you saw the Room being left empty. Empty? Severus was always here. He never ate Lunch and just graded his Papers in peace. Where was he? Out of Fear you could miss him you sat down and waited. Time never passed this slow but today was every second punishing you. The Sun went down again and your patience broke down completely. Running like your life was depending on it you hurried down to the Dungeons. Your nervousness made your vision blurry and thoughts crazy. So when you finally reached Severus Door you knocked as loud as you could fearing it was almost too late to confess yourself to him since it was your turn to finally admit yourself towards him. And the both of you knew that.

He hasn´t fully opened his door yet but you were already talking. „Severus, I love you. I cannot act like this between us wouldn’t work out anymore. I know it would because I’m willing to do anything to make it work, okay? You’re the most important Person in my Life and-“

„Y/N!“ He now finally interrupted slightly taken by surprise. He took your Hand in his only to pull you inside his Rooms. Remus who was probably just picking up some Wolfsbane quickly hurried out of the room but not without grinning widely. You didn’t really pay any attention to him. You were just looking at the dark tall man in front of you which you adored so much. As the door was finally closed behind Lupin he let go of your Hand and pulled you into a tight Hug. 

„Welcome Home, Love. I have missed you so much.“

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