#i would write it myself but i don’t think i could in a way that makes sense and is entertaining simultaneously

[astrolook]

🌌 Retrogrades in a Birth Chart - Some Roots Take Time To Grow 🌿

Note: These are all my personal observations and patterns I've noticed over the years. Take what resonates with you more and leave the rest. Lemme know in the comments if it hits home! A single placement or aspect isn't enough to conclude and the whole chart has to be analyzed!

Mercury Rx - I think in essays, speak in tweets. 🧠✍️

Mercury Rx natives sometimes overshare or say nothing at all. They think fast, speak slower. They edit their sentences in real life. These natives pick things up quickly but lose focus just as fast. Their projects start strong, then get abandoned or revisited later with a whole new mindset. Mercury Rx can have grand ideas in mind but struggles to put them into words or into reality. Usually, Mercury Rx natives are better at texting, writing, and drawing than talking. Two Mercury Rx people can either understand each other on another level or be completely out of sync with each other and can talk in circles. Mercury Rx natives can change the topic mid-convo and go on like nothing happened. Mercury Rx natives can be good at stirring the pot for entertainment. They are good at negotiating, convincing people to believe their ideas. Can make money out of thin air. These natives have selective memory.

For example: Mercury Rx in 6th/8th/12th natives are so good at twisting narratives to suit their needs and are good at lying. You don't even know whether they're telling the truth or not. Their opinions can change like seasons, and they can struggle sticking to a certain mindset. However, this is a great placement for fantasy writers, journalists, bloggers, media-related jobs in general, lawyers, filmmakers, actors, programmers, etc. Mercury Rx in 5th/11th natives are bad at lying. They can be involved in too many things at once only to abandon them. Mercury Rx in 3rd/9th loves to prank others or the other way around. they love DIY and crafts and might follow niche communities. Online trolls.

Venus Rx - I ghost myself before I ghost you. 👻😅

Venus Rx natives are either impulsive in love or avoidant. These natives give mixed signals to their partners. One day they're warm and giving, the next they're building walls and won't let anyone in. Love either comes too soon, or when the timing is off, or never comes when they need it the most. These natives will remember how the other made them feel, whether it's rejection, not being enough, unwanted, too much, or ignored. It lingers in their mind, and it shapes how they view love. These people don’t “date around” easily. They wait for people to choose them. They test their partner to check if they're worth it! Late bloomers in love. Sometimes, they might even lower their standards and expectations just to feel any love, only to end up feeling drained and exhausted. They might choose partners who treat these natives like a backup plan. However, these natives will remember it and instead of letting go, they carry that disappointment into the next person, the next connection, the next version of themselves. Depression. They sometimes would be loyal to the wrong person just because they have "history."

For example, Venus Rx in 6th/10th can attract envy from women, discrimination in the workplace, judged by their appearance or clothing styles. People might underestimate them or won't take them seriously. So, these natives overcompensate and work overtime to prove themselves that they deserve it. Still, their co-workers/ peers would think they slept their way to where they are or not that talented. Venus Rx 1st can be the target of harassment or could have been called crazy for their lifestyle choices. People tend to attack these natives more easily than others, whether it's racism, appearance, religion, ethnicity, or other factors. They could be either old-fashioned or into niche fashion.

Mars Rx - I argue better three days later. 🕒😐

If a dormant volcano were a person. People think these natives are calm. But no, they're holding it in. Sometimes for years, until their anger turns volcanic and their words spew out like lava. Unfiltered. Their regret shows up in action, not words. They might look or seem lazy, but they often feel stuck between wanting to act and being unsure how. They second-guess their instincts. They might want something badly, then sabotage it out of fear or confusion. In conflict, they’re unpredictable. Either they avoid it completely or burn the whole thing down. Some pick fights just to feel something, others disappear to avoid hurting anyone. They don’t always know the difference between defending themselves and attacking. Sometimes they hurt people with words, then feel guilty forever. Sometimes they say nothing and carry resentment for years. Desire is complicated. Some of them feel numb to it. Others have urges they don’t understand and would be chasing people, projects, or things that don’t make sense. Some isolate when they’re mad. Some turn pain into action like breaking things, quitting jobs, and blocking people. Others turn it inward and self-destruct first. When they finally stop holding back, when they choose action over avoidance, their energy becomes exact. Focused. Intense. Unstoppable. The storm clears, and they learn how to move without destroying everything in their path.

For example, Mars Rx in 8th/12th bury their anger six feet deep. They definitely hold grudges quietly and would strike at the worst time for the person who hurt them. The other person won't even know that the native is behind it. Mars Rx in 2nd can either overspend or hoard things. These natives might not get a reward for their work, or it may be delayed. Mars Rx in 7th can attract passive-aggressive partners or become one themselves. When snapped, they can go from silent tolerance to full-blown blow-ups over small things.

Jupiter Rx - I left faith on read. ✝️📱

Jupiter Rx natives practice 3 different religions within a year and still feel unsure. Teenage crisis. What people call expansion, they call noise. Their lessons come from within, not from gurus or traditions. They don’t believe in blind luck. They believe in trial and error, and mostly error. Wins feel delayed. Guidance shows up late. Things eventually work out, but rarely in the way they are planned or wanted. Once they let go, things would happen to them in the most harmonious way possible. When good things happen, these natives won't give a happy or butterflies-in-the-stomach reaction. Instead, they would be suspicious of it. After believing it's for them, they would still maintain a composed posture. These natives are liberal minded, agnostic/irreligious/atheist, and can still be spiritual. These natives come off as skeptical, cynical, or too “in their own world.” They hold on to past decisions too tightly or judge themselves for outgrowing past beliefs. They often feel like they're behind their peers until one day, these natives get 10 levels ahead of them once they surrender and let things happen. The beauty with Jupiter Rx is that luck doesn't knock on their door. They're the luck. It just takes them years to find that out.

For example, Jupiter Rx in 5th natives' children would be lucky to have the native as their parent. Jupiter Rx in 7th or as 7th lord, their spouse would be lucky to have the native as their spouse. Jupiter Rx in 4th can mean that the native's family would feel lucky to have the native as their child or having them as their family member.

Saturn Rx - I work smart. Or not at all. 🛋️🧠

Saturn Rx natives don't trust authoritative figures, including their own. These natives learn early that rules don't always protect you. they might have a figure in their family who was basically a "rules for thee, not for me" type. Grow up too fast. Responsibility was either too much too soon or avoided until life forced them to deal. Afraid of failure. One thing with Saturn Rx is that when these natives are scared, they would never admit it. They don't want to feel weak. Some might even avoid crying in front of others, including their family. They would go to great lengths to hide their weakness instead of working on it. Build walls instead of asking for help. They stay in jobs, habits, even relationships way past their expiration date just to feel safe. They don’t like being seen trying. Effort is private. So is shame. If they fall, they do it behind closed doors. Smart workers. Knows the shortcuts to achieve success in life, but some won't take them. Impostor syndrome. Can be unemployed for months at some point in their life. Once their career takes off, these natives become unstoppable. Saturn Rx here is protecting these natives from troubled career paths and only gives them the right path at the right time.

For example, Saturn Rx in 7th can mean an absent father figure. Their older spouse can be laid back or take a back seat in their career after marrying the native. Attract partners who are serious and long-term and have little to no options for dating here for many with this placement. Saturn Rx in 10th can mean that these natives can have long gaps in resumes or even unemployment. Might get into jobs that don't reflect their real skills. For some, their career takes off in their 30s or even 40s. Saturn Rx in 2nd can mean that these natives can come from a low-income family or a household with financial struggles. Might get into connections with people just to feel secure. Money grows after 30 and only after they have learned to earn the right way.

Uranus Rx - I forget on purpose. Or do I? 🤫📂

Uranus Rx natives can look traditional on the outside but rebel on the inside. One may never know what these natives are capable of, as they're good at deceiving others. They can easily blend in with the crowd and seem agreeable. Deep detachment, sudden rejections, and quiet cut-offs are their recipe to stay chill. These are the people who smile at the dinner table while silently unsubscribing from the whole dynamic. A Uranus native doesn't trust "the system". But a Uranus Rx native won't even trust their own family, community, co-workers, religions, and even themselves at times. A lot of them appear to follow the rules, but only because they’re rewriting them behind the scenes. These people outgrow people fast. But they don’t always let them know. Instead, they disappear or would make it impossible for them to reach the native. Distance becomes their protection. It’s easier to vanish or become out of reach than to explain their evolution to someone who wouldn’t get it anyway. Their memory is selective but sharp. They forget what they ate for breakfast, lose their keys, ignore calls, but remember exactly what you said five years ago during a fight. Hard to pin down, but impossible to fool. One may never know what they're thinking, but that's what these natives want. When they snap out of the blue, these natives end friendships/ relationships, move cities, shift careers, or even move countries without mentioning a word to anyone. These natives' relationships are either all-consuming or ice-cold. Freedom matters more than comfort. Their unique trait is that they can be loyal and distant at the same time. They’ll ghost you and still think about you every day for a year. Wrong them once, and they will get over you within 30 seconds and never look back. You're already dead to them.

For example, Uranus Rx in 5th can have a crush on someone and obsess over them for months, only to change their mind after finding out that their crush did something they don't like. Would break up with someone over text and not look back. They would reject the same person they fell for before it even begins. Uranus Rx in 7th can be unpredictable in love. Do they even have a type? They long for stable relationships but routine feels like a trap. Uranus Rx in 4th could have had a tough home life or been unconventional. Single-parent households, stepdaddy/ mommy figures, stepsiblings, etc can be seen here in some cases.

Neptune Rx - I’m softer than I look. Colder than you think. 🧊🫀

Neptune Rx people are hard to fully know and half the time, they don’t even fully know themselves. They second-guess what they feel, what they see, and who they are on the inside. Reality blurs. Memory twists. They’ve been gaslit or emotionally manipulated, sometimes without even realizing it. These people learned early how to hide. How to escape. How to shape-shift into what was needed. Truth became flexible, and so did identity. They have powerful inner worlds. Too powerful, sometimes. They’ll fall in love with a fantasy version of someone and ignore all the signs. They’ll convince themselves they’re okay when they’re drowning. They might cry alone and then act totally fine in public. They pick up on energy they can’t explain. Can have imaginary friends or talk to self in private. They talk, sing, and dance when no one's looking. They can actually fake their persona depending on the person they're with. They don’t show the full truth until they’ve seen yours.

For example, Neptune Rx in 4th always dreams of the perfect family, home, and everything since they didn't get it in reality. These natives often move countries/cities and stay away from family members to live their dreams. Might live in a toxic family household where everyone thinks they're fine and happy. Neptune Rx in 8th natives has intimacy issues. They don't know if they're the victim or supposed to feel sorry for the one who hurt them. They're good at reading others, bad at reading themselves. Neptune Rx in 11th natives never feel truly fit in anywhere. There’s a pattern of feeling invisible in groups or being part of social circles that don’t reflect their actual self.

Pluto Rx - I outgrow myself annually. Stay tuned. 🔁🖤

Pluto Rx natives are always going through some kind of inner death. You may not see it, but they’re constantly burning bridges inside themselves. It's like they burn their old versions, dead emotions, people they haven't spoken to in years, and toxicity every year like a ritual. These are the ones who don’t show their breakdowns. They disappear, transform, and return new. The world never really sees their mess, only the rebirth. They upgrade themselves each year. These natives would keep secrets, even from the people they love and trust. They're deep, but not always emotionally open. They fear being exposed, especially when they’re vulnerable. So, they test people. Push them. Watch how they react before deciding if they’re safe. They either face their wounds fully, or they run until life forces them to. Their biggest breakthroughs happen in silence. One year, they’re one person. Next, they’re unrecognizable even to themselves. Physical transformation is possible too. They outgrow people, places, even entire identities, like it’s an annual process. Some might change their name or have a "stage" name in their career.

For example, Pluto Rx in 1st natives are either obsessed over by others or hated by others. Always in survival mode. They rebuild their self-image every season, and no one's ever truly met the real version of these natives. Pluto Rx in the 3rd natives can be good at coding, writing, drawing, etc. Can be cryptic in the way they speak. Ghost friendships out of the blue and would never look back. Pluto Rx in 5th natives pour their trauma into art or through their creative outlets.

💌For readings, check out my pinned post for pricing! ✨💌🪐

[4ranghaes]

I know you posted it almost a month ago at time I’m writing this request… but would you mind doing a follow up to that one with bnd and reader getting walked in on by another member? Like what is it like the next day? How much teasing can they endure? Will Woonhak be able to survive Jaehyun’s talk?

You don’t have to do a continuation of all the members if you do this request, I was mostly curious about Woonhak.

ot6 bnd x reader [kinda funny, fluff, fem!reader]

pt.2 to this!!!

a/n: okay i actually loved this and i wanted to do a pt.2 to taesan’s too so i just did all of them😭😭

sungho🎀

you walked into the kitchen, sungho’s t-shirt covering your body, as well as your pyjama bottoms. you poured two glasses of juice, smiling politely at riwoo and taesan who sat at the dining table. they just stared at you.

“i’m sorry, taesan! but in our defence, why didn’t you knock?!” you broke the silence, riwoo just laughing while taesan looked insulted.

“why weren’t you making noise?! any normal person does!” he threw back, as you rolled your eyes.

“whatever,” you laughed, “we were gonna order some food, do either of you want anything?” riwoo perked up opposite taesan, who sat pouting.

“just call sungho out here and we’ll talk,” riwoo smiled.

“um,” you paused, your boyfriend’s earlier words echoing in your head.

“i’m not going out there! if you want juice, you’ll have to get it yourself. i can’t look him in the eye right now.”

“i-i know what he wants anyway, it’s fine,” you said, awkwardly.

“oh my god, i can not have this ruining the dorm,” riwoo said, dramatically, “park sungho! get out here!”

“stop! he’s really embarrassed,” you said, shoving riwoo as you sat down beside him, pulling out your phone to flick through the delivery app.

“yeah i bet he is,” taesan rolled his eyes, before covering his face with his hands, “oh my god the image is seared into my brain!”

“well you could’ve left a bit quicker!” you exclaimed, “also, how do you think i feel?! why are you more embarrassed when you’ve seen me naked?!”

taesan stopped then, as the two of you shared an awkward look.

the silence was broken by your boyfriend appearing out of his room, wrapped in his duvet.

“han dongmin. if you say one thing, i’m leaving.”

“what, the band?” taesan teased.

“dongmin!” sungho scolded, collapsing onto the sofa. “i want dakgalbi.”

“okay, baby, we’ll get you dakgalbi,” you agreed, laughing at your boyfriend’s childish behaviour.

taesan just fake-cried, slamming his head into the table. “get out my brain!”

riwoo🦦🍡

“i’m kinda hungry,” you said, putting your phone down and rolling over, cuddling up to your boyfriend’s side. “shall we go and make that fried rice now?”

“or… shall we order?” riwoo grinned, wiggling his phone at you.

you gasped, “shall we?! wait. do you just not want to leave your room in case you see leehan?”

riwoo scoffed, already scrolling through the app, “no!”

you glared at him, riwoo sparing a glance to you as he rolled his eyes, “fine. yes. i don’t think he’s gonna say anything, i’m just embarrassed. i mean i literally moaned in front of him.”

you giggled, getting up and exiting the room, riwoo watching with a screwed up expression. you were right, even though you hadn’t said it, he knew your sentiment, he couldn’t spend his life in his room. but, this would pass in a day or two…

suddenly, leehan appeared at the door, breaking riwoo out of his concerns. you were stood behind him like a supportive mum.

“i’m sorry, hyung,” leehan spoke, face expressionless, “i should have knocked, i should have noticed sooner. i’m sorry.”

riwoo groaned, burying his face in his hands, “this is worse!”

“well what do you want me to say?” leehan laughed, “hyung, look, i’m sorry, but it’s life! i don’t care, also it’s not like i saw anything.”

riwoo hummed, getting out of bed and coming over to the two of you.

“what?” leehan said, as he was face to face with the man.

“get out of the way. i’m so hungry i could die, i need to make myself food.”

“you have been avoiding going outside!” you exclaimed.

“of course i have!” riwoo laughed, before grabbing leehan’s hand as they walked through the hallway. “wait. but seriously donghyun, if you tell any of the other members, i’ll—”

“what? that you and your girlfriend dry hump?” leehan laughed, riwoo smacking his shoulder.

“shut up, idiot.”

jaehyun🪻🐕

“we need to implement some serious boundaries in this band!” woonhak yelled, storming out his bedroom, taesan close behind.

“oh, it’s taesan now? it’s usually myungjae that’s being said about,” riwoo snickered.

“no one beats jaehyun, though,” taesan scoffed, still hanging off woonhak, despite the clear annoyance from the maknae, “what other friends have to implement a ‘no sex in the living room rule’?!”

“yeah, well, just be glad i stick to it,” jaehyun said, saluting all the members, while you smacked his chest.

“myung jaehyun, you absolute liar!” sungho yelled.

“oh god,” woonhak laughed, “hyung?! again?!”

“i walked in on those two making out the other day,” sungho said, now facing the rest of the members for a dramatic retelling.

“that’s not—”

“shared conversation, and everything!” sungho exclaimed, “and the entire time! he was continuing to finger her! under her skirt!”

“what the fuck?”

“myungjae—”

“please! oh my god!”

“jesus christ.”

jaehyun just laughed, while you hid your face in his shoulder, “what can i say?”

“oh my god,” you groaned. you pulled away, grimacing at the boys, “i’m so sorry, i don’t know why he’s like this.”

“yeah, yeah, you were there too, y/n! don’t act innocent,” sungho teased.

“she’s wearing a skirt, guys,” leehan said, smirking, “we should be careful, they could be up to something right now.”

“shut up, donghyun, that’s so—” you cut yourself off with a gasp as jaehyun ran his hand up your inner thigh, cupping your clothed heat. “myung jaehyun! stop it! you’re such a pervert.”

your boyfriend just giggled, removing his hand and leaning his head on your shoulder, the rest of the members groaning, riwoo and taesan even getting up and walking away, all while myungjae laughed to himself.

“i hope you’re having fun,” you said, sarcastically, peering down at him.

myungjae grinned, “of course i am.”

taesan🎸🐈‍⬛

“hi,” taesan said, entering riwoo’s bedroom.

“hey.”

“did you… get that jar open?”

“nope,” riwoo shook his head, offering an awkward smile to his friend.

taesan sighed, groaning, “i’m so sorry you had to see… that, but also—”

“i’m not gonna tell the others, tae,” riwoo smiled, “don’t worry.”

taesan sighed a breath of relief, “thank you, sanghyuk, genuinely—”

“i might tell my therapist, but, you know, they won’t tell anyone.”

taesan whined, burying his face in his hands, “oh god, i’m so embarrassed.”

“no, don’t be,” riwoo laughed, “i’m into it, actually. just didn’t realise you were too.”

“mmhmm,” taesan nodded, screwing up his face, “too raw to talk about it. maybe another time.”

riwoo laughed, nodding and waving taesan off.

“okay,” taesan nodded curtly, leaving the room, “thanks, hyung.”

he closed the door behind him, returning to his own bedroom where you were laid on the bed. you turned to smile at your boyfriend as he entered, placing your phone down.

“you do it?”

taesan nodded, trudging over to the bed where he collapsed into your arms, “he said he won’t tell anyone besides his therapist.”

you laughed, kissing his head, “well done, baby.”

taesan groaned, burying his face in your body, “fuck that’s so embarrassing. i actually want to die.”

leehan🪸🐠 [this one went in a very different direction to the others so.. smut content warning]

“thanks, woonhak,” sungho laughed, welcoming the boy back out of leehan’s bedroom and into the living room.

“why do i always loose the bets?” woonhak sighed.

“we seriously need to talk with them. how can they always be this loud?” taesan grumbled.

woonhak swallowed, “it was… hot though.”

jaehyun laughed loudly, shoving the maknae, “yeah? you liked it? perv.”

“shut up! just… objectively,” he said, embarrassed, “obviously i don’t want to see y/n noona like that, but…”

“what… what did it look like, woonhak? i mean, what were they doing?” riwoo asked, all the boys subconsciously leaning forward to listen in.

“well donghyun was sat on his desk chair,” woonhak swallowed, “and y/n was on his lap. but, i mean, her entire ass was covered in… you know.”

“in cum?” jaehyun finished, woonhak nodding in response. the boys somewhat laughed, but anyone could tell they were turned on.

“and- before they knew i was there, leehan kind of… took some and fed it to her,” woonhak said, clearing his throat as he nodded, “fuck. that was really hot actually.”

“damn,” taesan spoke.

“fuck,” sungho nodded.

riwoo and jaehyun had pulled pillows and a discarded hoodie over their laps.

“what’s up,” leehan suddenly spoke, emerging from his bedroom. he still wasn’t wearing a shirt, but he had sweatpants covering his lower half, slung low on his hips. his hair was slightly wet with sweat, lips swollen.

“nothing,” woonhak said suddenly.

“you were watching us, right?” leehan smirked, “perv.”

“shut up! you’re the one having sex loud enough for the whole dorm to hear!”

“you’re all jealous,” leehan teased, downing a glass of water, “get a girlfriend and tell me you don’t want to do just that.”

the boys all sighed, going back to their various activities until you emerged from leehan’s room. despite your hardest efforts, you seemed to be walking with a limp, and, as chance would have it, the only bathroom was past the living room.

you smiled awkwardly as you passed by, the boys all staring at you, trying to hide their own heavy breathing.

though your body was covered, they could almost see it. plus, the few hickies on the back of your neck and shoulders that were revealed as you walked by didn’t help.

when you disappeared into the bathroom, their eyelines fell to leehan who was smirking.

“losers.”

woonhak🧸

“this is the worst.”

you turned to look at woonhak, bursting into laughter at his unhappy expression.

“i’m serious, y/n. we’re busted. this is worse than my parents finding out,” your boyfriend groaned.

you were both sat on the sofa in the living room like two naughty children, pyjamas covering your bodies the next morning, while jaehyun paced up and down the kitchen, ever the dramatic.

he finally entered the living room, staring at you with the cutest angry expression ever. “when did this start?”

woonhak groaned, but he had promise to answer all his questions, “y/n’s birthday, earlier this year.”

you suppressed a laugh, nodding seriously as jaehyun took a dramatic deep breath.

“and who initiated last night?”

“hyung!” woonhak whined.

“you said all my questions!”

“fine!” woonhak sighed in defeat, “i did. i even came home early from the studio cause i was horny, and i knew y/n was here, sorry! sue me! hyung, you can’t say anything i’m an adult now!”

jaehyun wiped fake tears from his eyes, “and were you adults using protection?”

you nodded as woonhak frowned.

“what?” you laughed.

“d-did we?” he asked, suddenly worried as he looked to you.

you furrowed your eyebrows, “did we?! i don’t know woonhak you’re in charge of it!”

“y-yeah. yeah we did.”

“are you sure?” you asked, gripping woonhak’s hair to get him to look at you.

“oh my god,” jaehyun said, laying down on the floor.

“not the time hyung! i’m checking the rubbish.”

you groaned, laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. you turned to jaehyun, “are you done?”

jaehyun chuckled, nodding, “yeah, i just like to wind him up. just take care of him, okay? and please use protection.”

you nodded sheepishly, woonhak coming back into the room with a successful smile on his face.

“we did! we did. it’s in the bin,” woonhak smiled, coming and sitting back on the sofa, giving you a quick kiss as he did.

jaehyun had obviously grown tired of his own antics, but as taesan entered the room, an evil smile grew on his face.

“taesan-ah!” he yelled.

“no! hyung!” woonhak whined, diving to the floor to tackle the leader.

but jaehyun was ever persistent, “woonhak’s having sex now! our baby! he’s all grown up, taesan-ah!”

“what?!”

[yothatshitgas]

Goliath

Pairing: Paige x Azzi Word Count: 2.8k Note: This started out as a one-shot based on Goliath by Jessie Reyez, then I crashed out after the inability to write more than 800 words so I think I lost the plot? Either way, this is just lover girl Paige. I haven't written in ages, and this is the very first time I'd ever written pazzi. I just needed an outlet for my lover girl Paige agenda. Obviously a work of fiction. And Don’t forget to vote.

The morning sun filtered in through the blinds, casting bright warm stripes across my face and coaxing me out of one of the better nights of sleep I’d had since settling in Dallas. It was the kind of rest I hadn’t realized I’d been crazing, one that was familiar. My body felt sore, a dull ache in my arm from being used as a makeshift pillow, my back damp from the extra heat pressed so closely beside me. But none of it mattered. Not even the faint cramp in my lower back from staying in one position too long that was sure to haunt me during practice later. 

Because she was here.

Azzi.

I turned my head to the right. Slowly, careful not to shift the mattress too much. Azzi was still asleep, breathing steady, the curve of her brow soft in the morning light. Her hand rested across my stomach, loose but possessive, an addicting feeling I’ve never gotten used to even after all these years. I let out a quiet breath and moved with practiced caution, easing my arm free from under her head. She stirred just a bit, let out a soft groan but didn’t wake. I tucked a pillow beneath her neck, adjusting the angle until it cradled her just right. Sitting up, I propped myself back on my hands and let my gaze linger on her for a few more seconds. Admittedly, a lot longer than I meant to. 

I reached over slowly, brushing back a loose curl behind her ear with the gentlest touch I could manage. My fingers stayed, trailing the delicate curve of her jaw then down - over the corner of her lips, the rise and fall of her throat, the slope of her shoulder where the blanket began to slip away. I pulled back eventually, practicing the kind of restraint loving Azzi required sometimes. Having to hold back even when everything in me wanted to stay in that quiet forever.

The kind of silence that only lived in mornings like this. One untouched by the world, suspended in time just long enough to feel sacred. A stillness settled over the room, gentle and absolute, as if even the universe knew better than to interfere. 

It was just us. 

Just me, sitting here, watching the girl I’ve been hopelessly, irrevocably in love with since I was seventeen. Something in my chest ached with how much I wanted to preserve this peace. Guard it. Wrap it in layers of myself and keep it from ever being touched by the crueler edgers of the world. I would have given anything, every part of me was willing to trade whatever it took if it meant she got to wake up like this every day. Safe, unbothered and so damn beautiful it almost didn’t feel fair. 

In the middle of my quiet admiration, Azzi began to stir. Her brows knit together in that sleepy, endearing way she always did when waking up too early. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand, slow and instinctive. I couldn’t stop the grin that formed at my lips when her gaze found mine, bleary but warm and then, she smiled too, just a little.

“Good morning, beautiful,” I said softly.

“Hi,” she murmured, her voice still tangled with sleep. She reached out lazily, draping her arm across my lap, her weight warm and ground. I could already feel her starting to slip back to sleep, but she blinked up at me one more time, “how was your sleep?”

“Good,” I replied, brushing my thumb along her forearm, “it’s different with you here.”

She hummed, eyes falling shut again, “different good, I hope,” she joked.

“Always,” I replied, wrapping my fingers around hers, lifting our hands gently to my lips and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.

I glanced over at the nightstand, tapping my phone screen to check the time - 7:02 AM. Azzi’s flight was in four hours. Practice in six. Just a handful of hours left with her before we’d be separated for a whole month. A full, brutal, fucking month. The weight of that reality settling over my chest like wet cement.

Moving slowly, careful not to wake her again, I slipped out of bed and made my way to the bathroom for a quick shower. The water helped, but only slightly. It didn’t wash away the heaviness that came with knowing we were on borrowed time. When I stepped back out, toweling off my hair, Azzi was awake. She sat upright on the bed, legs still tangled in the sheets, one shoulder bare where the blanket had slipped down. Her eyes, lidded and lazy, found me instantly. 

“You look warm,” she murmured, voice raspy and low, “and damp.”

“I showered,” I said with a smirk, stepping closer, “that’s usually what happens.”

She gave me a tired smile and held her arms out wordlessly. I didn’t hesitate. I moved to the edge of the bed and as soon as I was within reach, she looped her arms around my waist and pressed her cheek against my stomach. Her skin was cool against mine, the contrast enough to make me still for a second.

“You ok?” I asked, resting one hand on the back of her head, the other trailing gently down her spine.

She nodded, her arms tightening around me, “I’m trying to pretend we have the whole day.”

I hummed, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, “we can do that,” I assured, “after we get some food in you.”

__

“Babe,” Azzi called from the kitchen, her voice echoing slightly as she rifled through the fridge and then the pantry, “you have literally nothing to eat.”

I laughed as I stepped out of the bedroom, still toweling off my hair, “that’s what I have DoorDash for,” I called back.

She turned to face me, one hand on her hip, the other holding a box of already stale cereal, “no,” she said firmly, “there is no way I’m leaving Dallas knowing you’ve got nothing but hot sauce and ice cream cones in your fridge. We’re going grocery shopping. Today.”

“The ice cream is for you,” I reminded her, crossing the room until I was close enough to slip my hands around her waist, “Come on, I can live off takeout and junk food. I will and have.”

Azzi raised an eyebrow, unimpressed but clearly trying not to smile, “we’re going to Target.”

__

“Two days wasn’t enough,” Azzi said quietly, her voice slicing through the soft hum of our shared playlist, the only thing filling the silence in the car until now.

I glanced over at her. She was staring out the passenger side window, her expression unreadable. Without much thought, I reached for her hand, threading my fingers through hers and resting them on my lap. My thumb moved slowly over her knuckles. But I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t. Because what was there to say? She was right.

Two days wasn’t even close to enough.

Not after spending nearly every day of the last four years orbiting each other’s lives. Sometimes side by side, sometimes at the opposite ends of the court or country, but always finding our way back. Through practices and games, missed calls and red-eye flights, late night FaceTimes and half-slept mornings, there had always been something solid beneath our feet. Something certain.

But now? There was no familiar ground. Just distance. 1,693 miles, to be exact.

Azzi is flying back to Virginia to see her family, then head straight to Storrs for summer training. And I’d be starting my first pro season. The dream I’d chased since I was a kid had finally arrived, but now that it was here, it felt more like a wall than a door. A beautiful, brutal wall that stood between me and the only place that ever felt like home: her.

“Hey,” I said softly, giving her hand a gentle squeeze, “We’ll meet up in Minnesota, spend time with family there and maybe,” I glanced over at her, trying to read the stillness in her face, “maybe you could fly to Atlanta with us after? You said you’re free that whole week, right?”

Azzi nodded slowly, eyes still fixed on the road. But she didn’t say a word. She didn’t have to. I could feel the weight of everything she was carrying in the tight line of her jaw, the way her lips were pressed together just a little too firmly. She was holding back a floor of thoughts, of feelings and barely keeping them contained.

As we rolled to a stop at a red light, I gently released her hand, only to reach over with the same care I always gave her when she was on the edge of unraveling. My fingers found her chin, light as a breath and I turned her toward me.

“Az,” I said, voice low and steady, “I love you.”

She blinked once, grounding herself in the moment. Her eyes searched mine, “I know,” she whispered, “I love you, too.”

The light turned green, but I didn’t drive right away. I leaned in just enough to press a kiss to her forehead, “now,” I said, forcing a smile through the emotion tightening my throat, “let's get some groceries, eat and give you time to pack the entire wardrobe you somehow fit into my apartment.”

She let out a breathy laugh, one soft and familiar, “it was a backpack, baby.”

“Add three of my hoodies,” I teased, “hoodies that I know you’re stealing.”

“Borrowing,” she said, side-eyeing me with a smirk, “and if you really loved me, you wouldn’t call it stealing.”

“If you really love, you’d leave one behind.”

“No promises,” she replied, resting her head back against the seat.

__

Azzi and I strolled through the isles, shopping cart half-empty and I slowly came to terms with the fact that I genuinely didn’t know how to cook anything besides breakfast. The revelation wasn’t new to Azzi, just frustrating. She gave me a dramatic sigh when I blankly stared at a box of pasta and asked, “do I need a strainer for this?”

So, in the end, we grabbed a carton of eggs, some bread and a handful of random seasonings Azzi deemed “bare minimum kitchen essentials.” She tossed in garlic powder, chili flakes, and this tiny glass jar of smoked paprika. 

“You don’t need to know what it does,” she said, dropping it into the cart, “just trust me.”

Then, as if we hadn't wasted enough time, she tugged on my sleeve and announced, “we’re going to the book section.”

Of course we are.

We spent at least twenty minutes there, drifting slowly through the book aisle while Azzi ran her fingers along the spines. She moved with a quiet reverence, pausing every few seconds to pull one out and flip through the first few pages, then slide it back with a nod like it passed some kind of test only she understood.

She pointed out the ones she’d already read, apparently half the aisle. I recognized a few, some of which I’d bought for her and the rest were books that she proudly displayed on the shelf we built together for her room. I nodded along, trying my best to keep up. Each book came with an enthusiastic plot summary, full of dramatic gasps, over-the-top hand gestures and the kind of energy you couldn’t fake. Her eyes lit up with every title she recognized, and every time she smiled wide, that perfect little dimple appeared. I just stood there, watching her light up over paperbacks and plot twists, thinking how the hell did I get this lucky. 

We left the store nearly an hour later with maybe twenty dollars worth of items. It wasn’t exactly a productive grocery run, but neither of us seemed to mind. Afterward, we stopped at a cozy breakfast spot tucked between a record store and a vintage boutique, the kind of place that Azzi always gravitated toward. We split pancakes and eggs, stole bites off each other’s plates and lingered over coffee we didn’t really need.

__

When we got back to my apartment, the weight of reality started to settle in again.

Azzi pulled her backpack out and began to pack, just a couple of outfits suited for the relentless Dallas heat, a toiletry bag and one of my hoodies already folded on top. I sat on the edge of the bed, watching her move around the room. There was a rhythm to it, but it was slower than usual. She was giving herself extra seconds with each item, stalling in that way people do when they clearly don’t want something to end. Folding her shorts more carefully than needed. Pausing to double-check zippers. I recognized the rhythm, I’d done the same thing once or twice before. Delaying the inevitable goodbye that has already begun. 

Azzi finished packing and closed her bag with a heavy sigh. I stood from the bed without saying anything and crossed the room, lowering myself onto the floor behind her. Settling in close, I slid my legs on either side of hers, pulling her gently into me until her back rested against my chest. My arms wrapped around her waist and dipped my head, pressing a soft kiss to the bare skin of her shoulder where the strap of her tank top had slipped slightly.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” I whispered, my lips brushing the curve of her ear, “but in three weeks, we’re going to be together again.”

Azzi didn’t speak right away, but I felt her body soften under my touch. Her hands moved, searching for mine and when her fingers found them resting on her stomach, she laced them together. I held her tighter, the words still bubbling up in my chest.

“I genuinely don’t know what I did to deserve you, Az,” I said, my voice quieter, more raw, “but Imma spend every day proving I do. I’ll keep showing up. Keep loving you the best way I know how.”

And God knew I would for as long as she lets me. For as long as she’ll have me.

__

The drive to the terminal felt both impossibly short and unbearably long. I parked in the departures lane, parked the car and sat there for a second, my hands still on the wheel, not quite ready to let the moment move forward. Beside me, Azzi shifted slightly, unbuckling her seatbelt with a soft click.

“Paige,” she whispered, barely audible over the sound of engines and suitcase wheels rolling past on the curb outside, “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this part.”

“Me neither,” I let out a soft laugh, opening the door and stepping out.

I opened the back door, grabbing her backpack and slinging one strap over my shoulder. Then I walked around the car to her side, pulling the door open before she even reached for the handle. Azzi stepped out slowly, before I could say a word, she stepped right into my space. No hesitation. Her arms slid around my waist and mine wrapped around just above her shoulders.

“Three weeks,” she whispered.

“Three.”

She hummed, “I guess, a little peace and quiet is needed from time to time,” she let out a soft laugh, muffled into my skin.

Her breath tickled against me, and I couldn’t help but smile, “whatever,” I said, “like you’re not gonna call me the second your plane lands.”

“I will,” she admitted, pulling back just enough to look up at me, “but don’t act like you wouldn’t throw the biggest fit if I didn’t.”

“What can I say? I’m a woman of needs,” I grinned.

I took the first step back, I reached for her backpack and held it out to her. She took it with a soft smile. Then I leaned in, one hand cradling the side of her face and I kissed her. Slow. Full. I took my time, as if I needed any more to memorize the shape of her lips. The way she always leaned in just a little closer before letting go.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” she whispered.

Azzi stepped back slowly, then turned toward the terminal, her backpack slung over one shoulder. She looked back, just once. A small glance over her shoulder, her hand lifting in a gentle wave. A final goodbye. A silent I’ll see you soon.

I stood there, watching her walk away until the crowd swallowed her up. At that moment, the countdown began. Already ticking down to the next time I could hold her again.  

[nekoboydreams]

Hello (\*´▽｀)ノノ!! I've recently become obsessed with the yandere game you created! It's ignited such an uncontrollable desire in me—I can barely hold myself back! I'm absolutely dying to write a fanfiction based on *The Freak Circus*. But before that, I wanted to ask for your permission, because I truly don't want to offend or trouble you in any way...If it's okay, may I ask you a few questions?

① If Pierrot were to be voiced in the future, what do you think his voice would sound like? And what kind of tone and voice would best suit Harlequin, considering his character? Knowing this would be a huge help to my writing.

② Also, the circus food! Does it have mind-controlling, thought-distorting properties? Could it possibly amplify the eater's deepest desires, growing more intense over time until those poor souls completely lose their self-awareness—becoming obsessed with the circus and the clowns who perform for them? I also suspect the female assistant who was killed by one of Pierrot’s thrown knives might be one of the captured victims. She’s probably really dead. And what if she was actually one of the player’s missing colleagues? That would mean all those missing women in the town might be connected... OMG 🙀🙀🙀

③ Suppose the player has a strong self-destructive tendency and often keeps to themselves outside of necessary social situations. How would Pierrot react to this? Would he feel worried—or secretly delighted? And if one day the player collapses to the ground, quietly crying while clinging to Pierrot's clothes and begging him to kill them, what would he do? Especially if they said things like, “Only dying by your hand could bring me peace,” or “My darling, my savior, please kill me and eat me, so you’ll never leave me and I can finally rest.” Would Pierrot be moved?This is my first time asking, and I couldn’t help but say so much…!! I really hope I didn’t bother you 😔🤗🥰

Wow, I’m really glad to hear all this! And I’m impressed by the length of your questions, haha! Feel free to write as much as you want I’d love to see it! Now, about your questions:

About the voices: A lot of people ask me this, but since I’m not a native English speaker, I don’t have a huge repertoire of voices for them. What I can try to explain is that Pierrot would have a calm voice when talking to the MC, maybe slightly hoarse from being silent so much. When he makes those kind of disturbing statements to the MC, I imagine his voice thickens a bit. As for Harlequin, he has a sarcastic, somewhat mocking tone. His voice probably wouldn’t be that deep, although his laugh carries a dark, deep tone. Does that make sense to you? If I find voices that fit them in some content, I could do a post about it, since it’s a question that keeps coming up, haha.

About the food: You have some interesting theories. On Day 2, you’ll see Pierrot talk a bit about it. So what I can say for now is that the food can put you into a euphoric state. It gets hard for whoever eats it to think clearlythings get confusing, and you might start misinterpreting stuff. The MC feels their heart racing and isn’t sure if it’s because they likes Pierrot, for example.

Self-destructive tendencies: That opens up a lot of possible reactions for Pierrot! If he sees the MC isolating themself but they’re okay with it, then to him there’s no problem there. But if the MC isolates themself and seems to be suffering from things like that, he’d get worried and try to help, but in his own way. He’s not very social either, so his way of helping wouldn’t be very conventional. Now, about the MC asking to be devoured, that’s a complicated threshold. Pierrot isn’t the type of yandere to hurt the MC intensely, but there could be a scenario where he’d fulfill that request. It’s something very specific, so let’s just say it’s not something I can to detail right now heh.

[thinkblotted]

Building a Better Star (aka, the Star Essay)

I like Star. I’m getting that shit out of the way right here at the beginning, just in case. I like Star, I like what she is, I think she deserves better writing. 

Also - these are my takes. These takes may not be your takes. We can have different takes.

Okay? Okay. Let’s go. 

For the purposes of this analysis and suggestion, I’m only going to be going off of movie canon Star, rather than book canon Star, because while they’re basically the same, there are a few background elements in the book that expand  on Star’s internal thoughts and relationships with the boys that you could only get from exposition in the book, and that’s not as available a source as the movie, so. 

Since I’m either posting this on tumblr for the four people who will read it, or filming myself talking about this like a normal person with normal hobbies, I won’t explain who canonically she is because that’s unnecessary for this audience of me and a discord server, but rather who she is as a character as presented.

The thing about The Lost Boys is that it exists as a double edged sword of characterization for all its characters. They’re all incredibly simple, and in that white space that’s left behind where deeper characterization would be put in other movies, here there’s just a void, leaving the audience to fill in the gaps however they see fit with whatever they can glean from the surrounding world. 

The vampires are the prime example of this - of all the characters, they get the least amount of dialogue and have the most void to fill in who they are as characters. Star is the runner up, having more character, but the same amount of void in her backstory. 

So who is Star? 

Star is The Girl of the group, a trope wherein you have a group of characters who make up the core of your main cast and usually they’re all male, with one or occasionally two exceptions being girls - if it’s two, one will be the ‘nerdy’ or otherwise ‘not strictly desirable by main male cast’ role, and the other will be The Girl, who is almost always the love interest of the main male, who, even though she’s more of a main character then the secondary girl, typically does less than them. As presented, Star fits this trope easily, as well as filling out the subtropes that it consists of. 

She’s soft-spoken, pretty, demure, stays out of most of the fights in the story, offers the protagonist advice but never tells him directly how to face the conflict of the story, offers support but never directly physically supports the protagonist. She’s an inciting incident all to herself, but never actually drives the plot forward except to be a shining prize on the mountaintop of the narrative that the protagonist must climb in order to claim. 

After being in the Lost Boys fandom for about two and a half-ish years now, there are some take-aways specific to Star that the fandom tends to play on the most. 

And I want to add in here, I do not have a problem with these traits being assigned to her. Star, like the rest of the cast, is a very malleable character. The void around her is just as vast as the other vampires, and this is fandom - we play with blorbos from our media like dolls. This entire thing is purely based on what I personally would like to see Star become, and since I’m a freak, I don’t just write fanfic, I also do this. Apparently. So take everything I’m saying with a giant grain of salt.

The traits that I most see attributed to Star are:

-She’s a shrinking violet, either unwilling or unable to interact directly with the conflict of the story

-She’s being held against her will to the point that leaving in any capacity is not only not an option, but would lead to physical harm/possibly death if she tried (ie, she’s an abused captive) 

-She cannot be held responsible for any bad decisions she’s made in the past or makes in the current story, or any bad turns the plot takes 

The first assertion is held up pretty well by the canon of the movie, and most of the fandom also agrees that it would have been nice if the movie actually did make Star a little less soft. There have been several outcries for Star to ‘vamp out’ like the Boys did, to at the very least give her a scary vampire face! Her tiny confrontation with Max at the end of the movie would have been a perfect space for that, but unfortunately, the movie has 80s-itis and being the female love interest and a victim in the plot, Star isn’t allowed to be aggressive in such a blatant manner. 

Star also hangs back whenever the Boys have presence on the screen. She’s never in the forefront, sharing the space, she’s in the background, watching them, only observing. The one time she directly contradicts them, ‘Leave him alone’ she’s told straight up to ‘chill out, girl’, and she doesn’t continue the conflict. When she does decide to try and be more forward with Michael, directly affecting things, she waits until there is no other persons of consequence around in order to do so. 

The second assertion of her being held against her will is a little trickier to pin down as a trait, but evidence of this is implied with how she contributes to the narrative - mainly, in asking Michael directly to save Laddie and her from the Boys, or at the very least, the situation she’s in. Though, it should be noted, that Star never makes a direct statement of what that situation is. She hedges that it’s being being driven to kill to sate the vampiric nature, but when taking scenes like David simply saying her name to get her to come to him, being told indirectly to back off when the Boys are hazing Michael, and backing away in a fearful manner when Michael is drinking the blood wine into consideration, there’s the darker notion that she’s being abused in other ways. 

Because the movie is meant to be a lighter flick, full of scary-yet-alluring vampire punk boys and over the top monster-hunting gore, billing it as a ‘horror-comedy’ excludes any deeper exploration or more explicit on-screen showing of verbal, emotional, or physical harm that Star may be experiencing. Doing so would take away from the fantastical and darkly whimsical nature of the story, grounding it too much, and making the Boys, though they be villains, into villains we wouldn’t love to hate.

Thus, the darker implications of what Star might be facing behind the scenes, when Michael isn’t around and before he came along, is left to the audience’s interpretation, as well as any ability Star has to struggle against them. The fandom frequently interprets as none, thanks to the plot of the movie being what it is. 

The third major assertion that the fandom tends to adopt is that Star is largely if not completely irresponsible for the missteps of other characters and for her own predicament. 

This given trait is the most difficult to back up with evidence directly from the canon as it relies heavily on filling in the blank spaces of Star and the other character’s backstories. Star is not responsible for Michael spotting her in the crowd at the concert or deciding to follow after her. Star technically didn’t tell Michael to accept David’s goading to race. Star told Michael she both didn’t know how to help him, and couldn’t explain it. Star is not responsible for Michael’s induction into the Boy’s gang because, well, she told him what he was drinking was blood. Star never directly acts to drive the plot forward until the beginning of the third act when she does admit to Michael that she needs his help, thus, cannot be held responsible even in part to Michael’s involvement. 

Lack or acceptance of Star’s responsibility for her own inability to leave the Boys is even harder to pin down, as we have no movie canon for what her life was like before meeting the Boys. The implication from the world around them is that Star is a runaway kid like many of the people seen in the opening sweep of Santa Carla, likely from a crappy home and was taken in by the Boys but soon got in over her head, but this is never directly confirmed. 

The idea that Star made a bad choice, and was not just manipulated and coerced after the ‘honeymoon’ period with the Boys is somewhat controversial as it paints Star in a less favorable light. She isn’t an innocent victim, but rather someone who made a bad call and refuses to acknowledge her own agency in that decision, instead placing any and all blame on the Boys. 

‘But what if she’s tried that already?’ Unfortunately, that lies entirely in the realm of off-screen possibilities that are not support by any canon. Star in the movie is never shown or implied to have tried escaping before, and in the book she merely has internal monologues about wanting to leave, not that she’s ever attempted it. 

Giving Star any one of these traits on their own isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Star is very much helpless in this situation - she’s in a den of immortal man-eating monsters while only being barely half of one herself, and refusing to take the option that would grant her more physical power to assert control in the situation, because the act required would be a shattering of her moral compass. Regardless of her involvement in how she got here, she deserves to be able to leave and make better choices. 

But giving Star all of these traits at once with nothing else to her flattens her completely. It does her, in my opinion, an incredible amount of injustice to absolve her of any kind of responsibility in her own problems and then rob her of any bravery to take a risk and change it herself.

And that’s not a good character. 

In order to build a better Star, we need to first accept a truth that might be a slightly hard pill to swallow: 

A good Star is not necessarily a protagonist. 

At least, not in the same way that Michael or Sam can be. Michael and Sam are protagonists in that they’re the heroes of the story. They face the main conflict head on and drive the plot forward with their actions, and are who we’re rooting for to win. We see them and their actions as ‘good’. They are absolved by the framing of blame in what is done to them. (Michael in getting in over his head with the Boys by ignoring the reservations and loose warnings of others, and Sam of murder with the fact that the Boys are man-eating monsters bent on getting back at them when one of their own is killed.)

If you make Star a protagonist in the same way, with her needing to be framed as ‘good’ in the story, but only keeping the character traits previously listed, then she’s a boring character. She becomes only nebulously ‘good’ just by virtue of not technically having done anything that could be considered ‘bad.’ Being counted as a heroine only by default. 

And that sucks. That puts her simultaneously on a pedestal where she can do no wrong, but is an empty shell that’s there to smile or cry and do nothing else. 

Often, when talking about female protagonists, antagonists, anti-heros and characters with grey morality or amorality, the added layer of them being women forces ten times the scrutiny on not just how they’re built as a character, but on their creators and why they’re choosing to build the character in the way they are. Any mistakes plot-pushing decisions made by the character aren’t as likely to be accepted as just the character acting in the story, but get traced back to the author. The audience constantly asks the question, ‘if it was a male character, would there be consequences for this act, or are you treating this character special because they’re a woman?’ 

In this case, it’s ‘Michael also fucks up, and yet is treated as a victim, deserving of sympathy and being saved by his brother rather than having to fight all on his own. Their situations are the same. Why not Star? The only difference between them is gender.’ 

This essay is not about whether or not Star is deserving of being saved, nor is it saying that she deserves being trapped in the situation that she’s in. But much like how Star reminds Michael that she did indeed tell him that it was blood in the bottle and he scoffed at her, Star deserves not to be a lifeless doll being acted upon, and a good female character deserves to not be a pretty, perfect Barbie doll that does no wrong and always looks pretty. 

So with the knowledge that a better Star cannot be purely a protagonist, how do we lower her from the boring pedestal? 

My suggestion: by inverting her three main traits

The first: If she’s billed as meek and demure and soft, then make her more aggressive and vulgar 

The second: If she seems to be kept at silent gunpoint, then give her more freedom to act

The third: Make her at least partly responsible for her own situation, regardless of whether or not she thinks she is 

The first revised trait is the most important in my opinion to building a better Star, as it will help direct and reinforce the second two. 

A large part of Star’s lack of presence in the movie is quite literally, a lack of physical presence. Star seems to hate even being near the vampires, and depending on what kind of story you wish to show her in, it could make sense. But chances are, if she’s given the shrinking violet trait, she’s been given the other two as well, and that makes a bad Star. She must be allowed to speak, and more than that - she must be allowed to show emotion. 

Let Star be angry. Let her be hurt in a way that’s not beautiful and languorous, a wilting agony of suffering in silence. And I’ll say it: Let Star say the Fuck word. As silly and simple as it may seem, such a small detail can transform a character. Star deserves to be as rough-edged and imperfect in her words and attitude as any of the rest of the Boys, possibly more if she’s in a situation that she hates! If she had the bravery to run away from home, then she should be afforded the bravery to be more than a pretty, silent, pure woman who doesn’t know what a cigarette is. 

The second revised trait is going to be the most fluid in interpretation because it relies the most on the author or artist or fan’s personal interpretation of what the relationship between Star and the Boys is really like. 

In the movie, Star seems to move with the Boys. She’s usually near them enough that they can keep an eye on her, as we see with David watching Star talking to Michael before the beach race. The only times we see Star distance herself physically is right after the bonfire, where she comes to the Emerson cabin to convince Michael to save her, or when she and Michael have sex. The first time, she seems desperate, like she may not have much time, and the second, she’s been left there on her own while the Boys go out and cavort, likely with the implication that she should stay where they can find her when they get back. 

Again, this is the trait that can be toyed with the most, but a good way to combat the feeling that she’s being held against her will is to give the notion that there are parts of being around the vampires that she likes. There are tiny hints of this in the movie, and the book expands on this. In the movie, there’s a moment during the race where Star seems to be enjoying herself while riding with David - at the very least, she’s enjoying the speed and thrill, if not the person she’s with. In the book, Star and Paul have the best relationship of any of the boys, with Paul trying to cheer her up and promising a ‘happily ever after’. To keep it from feeling like a full captive situation, give Star a reason to feel a bit conflicted over the pack. She’s there in the first place, after all. 

The third revised trait is going to be the most controversial, as it’s a hard thing to admit when people in real life do it. 

Admitting that sometimes, the problems we find ourselves dealing with, are our own fault. We make a bad call, we make a poorly informed decision or decide in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, we are lied to, but the lie is flimsy and we chose to swallow it because it’s what we wanted to hear at the time. I like to ask authors writing villains this - what’s worse and more compelling; a villain who lies, or a villain who tells the protagonist a truth they don’t want to hear? 

And, as backwards as it sounds, making Star partially responsible for her situation is giving her more agency in her story. It gives her a reasonable character flaw that she has to confront and defeat. 

Here is where I’m going to throw in an interesting observation about a specific scene that I think helps lend itself to this particular revised trait: the scene where she asks Michael for help directly. In canon, the scene goes about like this - Star comes to the cabin, Michael tells her that he knows about the vampires, and when he expresses that he thinks it’s basically done for him, Star tells him that it’s not, he’s not fully gone, and that she needs his help to save all three of them. Now, there’s something really, really interesting to me about this scene: Star is NOT a reliable narrator during it. At all. 

To say that she’s lying outright about everything would be untrue, but when you examine it, you realize that she’s being untruthful all the same. When Michael gets upset, accusing her of not caring about him because in his eyes she let this happen, she says that she DOES care about him, using physical touch to reinforce this. When she’s soundly rejected, by Michel slapping her hand away and demanding to know why she REALLY came, she very reluctantly tells him that she was hoping he’d help them. It’s her last answer, the last thing she wanted to say. Obviously hoping that the emotions would be enough to persuade him, rather than just saying that she needed help outright, which would be easier to say no to. 

Secondly, the WHY. Star states that Michael was ‘supposed to be her first, because it’s what David wanted’. When watching the scene, the delivery, the body language, and given the full context of the plot and how we’ve seen Star behave? We can only come to the conclusion that Star. Doesn’t. Know. That. 

Max’s ultimate goal is to get Lucy, and to get Lucy, he needs Michael and Sam to be on board, or at least BE vampires. Killing one of her children would hardly serve that goal. Given the ending fight, Max doesn’t give a dead rat’s ass about Star. And Star? She doesn’t even know Max exists. David telling Star to kill Michael to turn her into a vampire is not only pointless, but going expressly against Max’s wishes. We don’t know how much of Max’s plan David and the Boys know about, or given their personalities and implied relationship with him, even care about, but defying him in this instance doesn’t seem like the smartest thing to do. 

Not to mention - Star does like Michael. She hugs him at the end, she does give him a warning about the blood, albeit a weak one. She does attempt to fight Max in the end, even if she fails. As for her thoughts on David, those are more complicated. Whether the relationship is real, coerced, that she’s simply a pawn being used to tug Michael around or whether she and David did like each other at one time, is unknown, but it is clear that Star knows that David is interested in Michael, and doesn’t like it. So it would then be logical to assume, given this, that Star would assume, based on what she knows and has been able to observe, that she’d pain David in a worse light. Insinuating that it’s HIM who’s pulling the string, assuming what he wants and what his intentions are, even if she DOESN’T. KNOW. 

All this to conclude: Star is an unreliable narrator taking actions based on her own flawed assumptions. Which means she’s going to make mistakes, and miscalculate her position. She’s going to cast herself in a certain light, and like anyone, maybe not want to admit when that light is suddenly not a reflection of her best. 

So, how do I conclude this. 

Star is an interesting character, and I do enjoy her. If you managed to sit through this to get to here, and if there’s anything to take away from this, it’s that I enjoy Star and I want her to be a better…her. She deserves to cuss and spit, she deserves to be angry and sad at her predicament, she deserves to be loved as a whole person and not some untouchable angel. Let her fight. Let her bite. Let her bleed for her freedom and personhood.

Most importantly, if you allow the Boys room to be more than they are presented as on screen, then you can afford to give that to Star. 

Thank you for reading, if you did. 

@misslavenderlady (I almost forgot!)

[theseinfernalangels]

Love Letters — Garrick Tavis

Synopsis: Recovered Correspondence between Lieutenants Garrick Tavis and Cosette Camden.

 Takes place over the course of the first part of Iron Flame and is for Day 3 of Garrick Week: Distance.

The contents of this recovered correspondence are not dated, but are believed to have been sent between the timeframe of July 29th and December 3rd, 634 AU. This is not a completely recovered set of writing. Whilst included missives were found in the ruins of the Samara and Montserrat outposts, other letters are actively being sought after by scribe and rider alike for insight on personal relations within harsh military structures. Just for studying. Totally just for studying.

— A personal addendum from Jesinia Neilwart, Curator of the Scribe Quadrant of Basgiath War College

Princess,

Fuck. It’s not even been a week without you, and I can already feel myself coming apart (No — not like that. I wish.). Everything would be so much easier with you here, but at the same time, I’m glad you’re in Monserrat rather than Samara. This place is not for the faint of heart, and while you are the most capable woman I know, I can already tell that riders are eaten alive here. Especially when you’re me. I have to start from ground zero all over again to make people trust me, fight twice as hard for all the same privileges that others are handed so easily.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s the same for you. Have people started suspecting about you yet? I doubt anything would happen — you’re an active service member with incredible skills — but a part of me worries that someone will be there to snitch you out. Stand your ground, beautiful. You’re more than any of these people can claim to be, anyway.

I’ll try to keep my missives as brief as possible, although I’d try to write whole tomes for you if I had the time. I love you in ways that consume me wholly. Please stay as safe as you can.

Yours forever, 

GT

⁺₊⋆ 𖤓 ⋆⁺₊

Garrick,

I can say with upmost certainty that no one here knows a thing, besides that we are together. Seriously — the amount of times I’ve been referred to as “Tavis’s Girl” rather than my own name is appalling. I don’t know many people here besides this one girl from my wing, who decided upon meeting that we are friends. I quite like her. She makes for good company.

I’ll be honest with you, my love; I’m lonely. I miss you more than I miss the sun in a hurricane. Sometimes, I wake at night reaching for you, only to be met with nothing but sheets. Disappointing, but fine.

I’m so sorry I can’t be there with you. Had I known that you’d be sent to Samara, I would have requested to be there, too. I don’t care if it’s dangerous — you cannot convince me that there is a place safer on this Continent than being by your side. Even surrounded by hundreds of infantrymen and dragons, I would still feel better if I could see you. Oh, well. I can be patient, I suppose. 

I send you all the love from my place here. Rest assured I am safe and sound, despite the constant conflict. Send Xaden my best, too — I can’t imagine he has it any easier, especially with his Violet ordeal.

Thoroughly and utterly yours,

CC

⁺₊⋆ 𖤓 ⋆⁺₊

Princess,

I’m glad you’re at least making connections with people — but who am I kidding? That’s what you do best. If your jackass brother weren’t the crown prince, you’d make the fairest queen of all.

You want to know what’s funny? Second to being classified as a traitor, people know me as yours, too. I guess sticking to one another like glue for three years paid off. 

Xaden wishes you well. The lucky bastard gets a couple of days every two weeks to go see Violet. I’d say I’m jealous, but I think Chradh would choke at the thought of being mates with Seachran. Correction — he just yelled at me extensively.

I would try and tell you about my days, but I’m afraid there’s not much to talk about right now. All we do is train and fight, with some recreational fighting on the side. Gambling is a big deal here, apparently. I bet I could cheat my way into getting the weekend off to see you, but I know you prefer honesty over everything. You’ve always been better than me, you righteous little light.

I heard that there was an attack near you recently. I imagine you are perfectly fine, but quick correspondance would be much appreciated.

Still terribly lovesick,

GT

⁺₊⋆ 𖤓 ⋆⁺₊

My love,

Rest assured that I am okay. That "attack" was nothing more than a drift of gryphons gone astray. They were taken out quickly, with an efficiency that…Well, I’ll be honest. It scared the shit out of me. I forget sometimes that we’re actually in the service and not students anymore. 

Physically, I am fine. Emotionally? Drained. There is only so much time some can go without seeing the one they love, and despite what you may think, I am a woman of very weak willpower. Perhaps we spent a little too much time together back in Basgiath, because I find myself watching for you around every corner and through every door. It saddened me at first, but now it’s pretty funny. No one here even looks like you, yet I still was hopeful anyway. Perhaps that is foolish. I find it comedic. I think I have to — or else I’ll find myself succumbing to the things that haunt me otherwise. 

Don’t ask. It is best to leave it at that.

Tell me everything and anything you want. I would gladly listen to hours of strategizing and arguments just to hear your voice. You wouldn’t have to cheat, either. We both know that you’re the best of the best, and anyone who thinks they can one-up you just because of a damned relic can kiss my ass.

Always, always, always,

CC

⁺₊⋆ 𖤓 ⋆⁺₊

My darling,

Nothing in that beautiful mind of yours could ever be foolish. On the contrary, the same is happening to me. Riorson tried to assure me that it was fine, since some of the women here, “look like you, anyway,” but I disagree. None of them have your smile. They don’t have the freckles that only show themselves in the summer. They don’t have your inclination to take others under their wings, and they certainly don’t have your eyes. I don’t think anyone does.

Oh, yeah. They don’t have Seachran, either. I think we’d know if they did.  

I think you’ve boosted my ego tenfold, but that’s not much of a change, as far as I’m concerned. No time for being humble when I’ve got a lovely woman waiting for me and a bunch of dark wielders ready to hunt me down.

Call me a dreamer, but I can’t wait until this is over. I have so many things I want to show you. To share with you. To be with you. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, and perhaps you’ll think I’m a sap, but that’s alright. You could call me a traitor straight to my face, and I’d just appreciate how it sounds on your tongue.

Still drowning within you,

GT

⁺₊⋆ 𖤓 ⋆⁺₊

My love,

 Firstly, I would never entertain the thought of calling you anything like that. You deserve only the sweetest of words from me, and that’s all you’ll get — unless you decide to be a dumbass.

Maybe you are a dreamer. Maybe it is wishful thinking. The thing about being a light-wielder, though, is that you learn to wish on stars frequently. I am a dreamer, too. Let me share a piece of my dreams with you.

When this war ends — because we will end it — all I want is you. I don’t care where we go, whether it be Aretia or someplace else. Just us and our friends for a while, taking chances and getting to take a moment to breathe air that isn’t tainted with blood. I see the sun, and that river you’ve told me so much about, and waking up to fresh sheets and warm touches. We can be soft and keep it that way,  just you and me, and then…I’m not quite sure. I have thoughts, but I don’t like being too forward. 

Fuck that. Never mind. I want a life with you. A family — a real one, where we never question if someone loves another or if their presence is wanted in the first place. I’ll give as much as you will, because I know you will without asking. That is why I want it in the first place; there is no one else I’d share the sentiment with.

So call yourself a dreamer and a sap. Just know that I am ten times more delusional than you are.

Dreaming of you,

CC

⁺₊⋆ 𖤓 ⋆⁺₊

My brightest light,

You can’t just say things like that and expect me to be normal about it. No, I am not crying; it is just exceptionally hot sharing a room with three other riders.

You want my dreams? I’ll give them all to you. I want it all. All of it. The sun, the river, the sheets, the touches, the family. I will give it all to you if you do the same for me. Actually, I’d give it all to you, regardless. You deserve every fucking moment of it for everything you’ve given me. 

Will we have any idea of what we’re doing? Probably not. Neither of us have parents to consult, and I don’t quite understand children, but that doesn’t mean we won’t try. How many do you want? We’ll go from there.

Chradh says he’ll give us parenting advice. I’d sooner let him barrel-roll me into the side of the outpost.

Shit. He’s taking it personally now.

As I was saying, I want to give it all to you. The moment I have the chance, I’ll come to you and we’ll talk it out. I have something to ask of you, anyway. Tell me when it’s best for you, and I’ll fight like hell to get my forty-eight hours, and I’m not sharing. I know it’s not much, but it’s what I can manage without getting my ass kicked — even though, between you and me, I couldn’t care less if Command got mad at me. They’d have to find me to execute me, and fortunately for the both of us, I’m pretty fast.

I’ll be in your arms soon,

GT

⁺₊⋆ 𖤓 ⋆⁺₊

My love,

I also have my forty-eight hours for you. I wasn’t even aware we could do that, but according to command, I’ve been out fighting so frequently that they’ve decided to give me a break of my choosing. Part of me wants to be offended and wonders if they think I’m delicate; the other part couldn’t care less. I haven’t had a break since the moment I slid from my mother’s womb on to her bedroom floor. I think I deserve it.

The end of November or beginning of December would suffice, I think. Since they won’t consider rotating stations until April, the halfway point is probably the best option — for both convenience’s sake, as well as my sanity.

I cannot wait to see you! I have not slept very well since the night before Reunification Day — the last night we had together. Where you should be laying, I have only sheets to cling to. If they smelled like you, maybe I would complain less, but no. I probably average a good four hours, but I know I’ll get at least six with you.

To put it bluntly, I need you here. Desperately. The end of November, at the earliest, please. Ask any question. Request anything of me. I don’t care. Please, just come home to me.

Don’t keep me waiting,

CC

⁺₊⋆ 𖤓 ⋆⁺₊

“I miss you.”

His words are mumbled into your hairline, his lips brushing against your skin like a midnight prayer. It may as well be; the moon, bright and swelling, paints his skin white as milk against the stone alcove you rest under. Despite his softness, his word choice has you frowning and tilting your head up.

“But I’m right here,” you reply, one brow furrowing in confusion.

Garrick just smiles. “I know,” he says. “But I still miss you. I miss you when I’m at Samara. I miss you when I’m on the battlefield. I miss you when you’re three inches away from me.” He presses a gentle kiss to the tip of your nose. “No matter where I am, I miss you.”

“Ah.” Has Garrick always been so poetic? Or is this just another change made by the distance and the four months that have separated the two of you?

You could barely go four months without him. You’re not sure if it’s romantic or pathetic. 

“Something on your mind, lovely?” Garrick asks, slipping a finger under your chin to pull your eyes to his. His eyes, wonderfully hazel, search yours carefully. It’s no secret to him that you’ve been struggling without him there beside you, and it’s not like he can say any different.

“No.” You tuck your head into his shoulder and sigh. “I just can’t wait for the next few months to be over. They’re talking about transferring some people out, so I’m hoping luck will be on our side and I’ll get sent to Samara.”

A low chuckle leaves him. “I’m not sure you’d enjoy it there. Unless you’re into watching two sweaty, shirtless men go at each other while everyone else drinks.”

That puts a mischievous smile on your face. “Does one of those sweaty, shirtless men happen to be mine? Because I’d totally be into that.”

That painfully adorable dimple flashes on Garrick’s cheek. “Pervert.”

You shove him playfully, although he doesn’t budge a bit. “Don’t act like you would pass up the opportunity to see me fight someone in just my bindings. I’m surprised you haven’t campaigned for it yet.”

“Well…” He glances around before snaking his hands around your hips and pulling, trapping you further into his embrace as you let out a little squeak of laughter. “I’m definitely not against the idea.“

You lean in and press a light kiss to the hollow of his throat. “You wouldn’t get jealous of other men seeing me without my leathers?”

Garrick scoffs, but the cocky grin is too obvious in his voice. “Wear whatever you want in front of any man. At the end of the day, you’ll end up with me, anyway.”

You snort but shake your head fondly. It’s been three years since the two of you started going out, ever since that terrifying October of your first year. For every day since then, you’ve gone back for Garrick, and he’s always come for you. You didn’t even mean to propose the jealousy scenario, but grateful satisfaction blooms in your gut. Garrick is a lot of things, but he’s certainly not insecure.

“Alright, wise guy,” you joke, poking him in the ribs and receiving a mocking pout in return. “You wanted to ask me something. Talk.”

His eyebrows raise in surprise, stretching the scar on his face a little like he didn’t expect your demand. “Someone’s eager.”

“Of course I am,” you shoot back. “I haven’t seen you in months. Haven’t heard you in months. Ask me everything so your voice sticks with me better.”

He just shakes his head, relaxing against the wall and reaching for the ends of your now-loosened hair. “You missed me, too?”

Your lips purse as you flick him in the chest, your eyes softening as he catches your hand to bring it to his mouth. “Of course I did, idiot. And I’ll miss you in forty-eight hours. Now, spill.”

His lips tense in the way you know is him holding back a dirty joke, and then he just smiles, wrapping an arm around your waist to anchor your body to his.

“…I’ve been thinking,” he says quietly, after a few heartbeats. “About us.”

Oh? You tilt your head. It doesn’t surprise you, given how often you’re thinking of him, but it’s definitely not something you think he’d need to ask about.

“These past few months…” He sighs roughly. “They’ve been painful without you. Really fucking painful. I never imagined how often I’d go to bed and not be able to sleep without your head tucked into my shoulder, or how pissed off I’d get when you’re not there to keep my head set.” 

Your gaze softens, a hand coming up to brush against his unscarred cheek lightly. “Gare…”

He brushes his thumb against your lower lip, shushing you gently. “No, listen. Let me say my piece.”

Your lips seal almost instantly.

He starts again. “You’ve always been right there, you know? Even before Threshing, before we even properly met, you were there. Defending Freya from those assholes. Defending mefrom your brother, even though you knew fully that he wanted both of us dead. I thought you were insane back then.”

A wry smile cuts across your face. “Not now?”

His fingers glide across your jaw. “I digress. And even after that…you never left. Never. Not when you knew we were hiding something. Not when I had to lie. Not even after War Games, and I knew you wanted to scream at me.”

His eyes find yours. “Somehow, despite everything, you���ve never left. Do you know how many people in my life get to say that? It’s not many.”

“Like that’s hard?” you reply quietly, tracing up his relic with your pinkie. “You never gave me a reason to leave. In fact, you’ve only ever given me reasons to stay. I’ve never had that before, either — a reason to stay where I am, perfectly content with what I have.”

“I want you to have that.” Garrick reaches down into the pocket by his thigh, but it’s out of your line of sight. “Always. A reason to stay. A life that you want that wasn’t just thrown your way for the sake of convenience. A place where you’re truly happy, like we talked about. The sun. The river. A family.”

For reasons you can’t quite comprehend, your heart starts racing, knocking your breath from your lungs. Sure, Garrick’s always been a sweet-talker when it comes to you, but this? This is nothing short of a confession. 

But he didn’t say he had a confession. He said he had a request.

You search his eyes, the hazel glow growing brighter in the starlight. “…I don’t understand what you’re trying to ask of me.”

He just smiles. Not cocky. Not cheeky. Just gently. Wanting. Earnest. 

It sets your heart ablaze.

“Lovely.” He shifts a little, adjusting his grip on your face so his thumb can trail over your cheekbone — no doubt re-memorizing the pattern of your freckles. “I can’t do it without you. Anything, really. Sleep, walk, fight the war, live. At the end of the day, I’m just a man, and I never want to have to let you go.”

The cool skin of his fingers brushes against yours as he laces your palms together, pressing something small and cold in between your hands. You watch him quizzically before you bring your hand away from his, flipping your palm towards you and choking once you catch sight of what he’s places in it.

It’s…a ring.

Relatively small, it is. A silver band, patterned in small designs that spread across the surface. The gem lays carefully within the widest spot, golden yellow and glinting in the light. Smaller, matching gems dot against the band. Citrine. They’re beautiful, just like sunlight.

No. Not just sunlight. Your light.

Your breath catches. Oh, gods. 

It’s not just a ring. It’s a ring.

Your head snaps up, meeting his eyes that are lit with pure, unadulterated adoration.

“Say you won’t let go of me, Princess?” he asks, cupping your cheek in his palm.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

You blink once. Twice. A third time, just out of habit. You open your mouth and then close it, your voice stolen away from pure disbelief.

He wants to marry you. To stay with you.

It’s enough to make you start crying like an infant.

“Fuck.” You press your face into his chest, not caring that your hot tears are soaking into his tunic with every shaky breath that leaves you. “Oh, gods.”

A hand ghosts up your spine, cradling you carefully. That’s when you feel it — the gently weight of something pressing into your spine. Cold. Heavier. 

Another ring. His. When did he slip it on?

“Lovely?” he prompts, dragging his lips against your forehead. “Are you—“

You cut him off by tearing yourself away from his chest, meeting his confusion-filled gaze with your own, packed with every thing, every feeling, every moment you share with him. Your eyes drop to his lips, and then trail back up shakily. Watching. Waiting.

“Yes,” you breathe. “Thoroughly and utterly. Yes. Please. Stay with me, forever. Please.”

His lips are on yours before he can even agree, sealing the promise into your mouth.

Searing. Binding. Filled with every ounce of joy and love and light and longing and want.

You’ll never have to let him go.

And, as if in response, the moon starts to glow a little brighter.

Taglist: @wonderstruckbyyou, @jessicalee22likestowrite, @freezerbride18, @ineednewdaggers, @suspicious-stain-in-spain, @kienhawon, @goldenmagnolias, @bi-incog-btch, @gracie-rosee, @lxnvmvrzx

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[wisterianightmare]

So I’m still newish to LADS (started after Caleb’s debut) and while I have a decent number of memories I do try to pace myself with the content outside of the main story. I’m careful to avoid spoilers and admittedly don’t read many fanfics (since there’s risk of allusions to content I haven’t seen yet), so take this with a grain of salt.

I love a problematic fave more than is probably psychologically healthy, but something about Caleb and the intentionality in his writing hits a very raw nerve with me. I’m beyond hooked by it. The deep appreciation I have for the writers of this game cannot be expressed enough. His nuances and the way that he loves is meticulously well thought-out and honestly addictive. After watching Rain’s Embrace for the first time though, today I’m focused on his flaws. Join me for a cup of tea while I ramble?

Big Caleb rant incoming: if you’re not fond of takes that are critical (even coming from a self proclaimed Caleb fan) then this might be one to scroll on! Also spoilers for Homecoming Wings and Bond story: Rain’s Embrace.

TW for use of the word “abuse.” Please do not respond with further spoilers!

So, tell me why every time I do engage with more of Caleb’s content I get invariably upset. Tell me why every time I get my suspicions confirmed about his “nature” pre-Boom it gets me more invested in him but also makes me want to throw up. Explain to me how I can love him SO much but can’t even put him in my café right now because the way he spoke to MC in Rain’s Embrace makes it hard to look at him. (Ironically he dressed himself today and wore the “let me think” troubled squiggly lines that hover over his head. Yeah.).

Having completed Homecoming Wings, it’s not the first time I’ve heard the “you think you don’t need me” speech, but the version in his Bond story would’ve had me crashing and burning. The kind of hysterical, self-destructive spiral that would’ve sent me on (after alluding to the fact that getting locked in the attic had been traumatic and then confirming that with the final thunderstrike?): just nah. His cruel little smirk when he realizes that MC suspects that he was responsible for that (absolutely phenomenally rendered btw - I had to watch it twice because I thought I imagined it)? The masterful way he uses physical and emotional discomfort/dominance to control where the conversation is going, and how he plays it off as harmless teasing? Diabolical. Practiced. And a gold star to the VA, because at first Caleb’s tone and words don’t quite match the expression and body language that screams covert intentions, but as the conversation continues that tone shifts to match his conviction. He knew she wouldn’t find that confession cute. He knew she was upset from the start. He still used the story as a twisted teaching moment to reinforce his necessity in MC’s life. That wasn’t an attempt to bond. MC tries to bond by tickling him and pinching his cheeks (read as: friendly, playful affectionate gestures to reinforce safety in what could be a vulnerable moment). Caleb’s confession was an effort to reassert MC’s dependence on him by contextualizing her own personal mythology as being by his guiding design. And the way it ends??? I guess Caleb just fucking off after an uncomfortable conflict of values is a pattern of behavior worth keeping track of (current tally: 3).

I stg I don’t need more projects, but tell me why every tiny story we get between Caleb and MC makes me want to rewrite all of their scenes together to reflect a more “reasonable” reaction to the gaslighting and threats - not because I hate him for them but because it would just be so. Interesting. To play with. So interesting to see how he would respond to such an overt expression of distress at his control tactics. Would he be able to continue justifying what is essentially abuse (don’t come at me - we can love it and acknowledge it) if the reaction he received showed that the harm he was causing was both obvious and was disproportionate to the fears he lets fuel those decisions? Because I think in the case of the Bond story, it is disproportionate. It’s projection in part - which Caleb acknowledges himself in the scene and with his decision (lie) to once and for all let go. We know that the acknowledgement is genuine here because it’s said to himself! MC isn’t even awake in the moment (and did she cry herself to sleep? Because that’s how I interpreted that transition).

Or… would it result in the opposite? Would a more extreme reaction only incentivize him more? Would it confirm MC’s fears that Caleb is right about her capabilities and result in more fawning? There’s evidence of this too (Rain’s Embrace, Endless Summer, Exclusive Aftertaste, etc.) in MC’s response to him pulling away: to plead with him not to. In multiple memories now when MC asks Caleb to respect her autonomy, Caleb does so by removing his presence from her life. We as the audience know that he continues to keep an eye on her from afar, but MC doesn’t know that. Does he disappear for stints (aside from, you know, dying - which is a whole other can of worms) with the intention of punishing MC for standing her ground, or is that just a functional side effect? Is he trying to prove her wrong when he lets MC stand on her own without him? Or is he trying to prove himself wrong, only to be thwarted by outside forces at every turn? Is that why I continue to forgive these choices - because it’s so extremely difficult not to empathize deeply with someone who is proven correct to the point of devastation even when they wish for nothing more than to be wrong? (Again, Infold, remove yourself from my cranium please).

It’s obvious as to why MC cannot react in either extreme within the canon narrative by nature of it being self-insert and also because of the potential to undermine the strength of her personality. But given their codependent bond and her obvious trauma I don’t find her responses to these situations entirely convincing. Necessary to provide a platform for Caleb’s characterization - absolutely - but not entirely reasonable. Not unless MC’s behavior is meant to be read as wishy-washy because Caleb’s push and pull is confusing and conflicting (his love and his control, his reliability and his alienation)… which yeah. This is obviously consistent behavior from him that MC is conditioned to. Are we meant to read this as Caleb’s gaslighting being effective? It would certainly explain how MC handles the reunion a bit more through the framing of Caleb handling all conflict between them with this same kind of coercive emotional aggression. Is that why she’s seemingly so used to the games-that-clearly-are-not-games that Caleb corners her into before feigning nonchalance? Why is she so willing to accept these “hard truths” he drops with such pointed cruelty just because he behaves reassuringly and care-free directly afterwards - and effectively making MC responsible for any escalation by cutting off communication and acting like she’s crazy for being upset? Perhaps like MC, I cannot wrap my mind around what is true, and what Caleb believes is true enough to justify it all.

And I just cannot stop thinking about it.

How am I supposed to not turn this into 3,471 meta-focused fanfics that nobody asked for?

[moonspren]

Ooooh okay I just rewatched the scene where Collins talks to Robby just before he goes to intubate Mr. Spencer and their conversation segues into him having to tell Nick Bradley's parents their son is brain dead. This is such a PAINFUL parallel case, knowing what happens later in the day. The “not much older than Jake” comment when Nick is first brought in kicks it off, but when Robby does break the news to them, it’s the first patient interaction that we as an audience are left to view but we don’t hear it. All we hear is the aftermath, when Nick's mom expresses her denial & grief at what is happening. We also don’t see Robby actually break the news to Leah’s parents - the closing of the door is very similar in both scenes.

Of course, you see the allocation of resources that could DESPERATELY be used elsewhere in both cases - in Leah's case, blood and the precious time & full attention of one of the most senior doctors at a time when that expertise is critical. In Nick's case, the precious resource is a bed that could be used for another patient that can't be cleared because Robby wants to give the parents time to accept that their son is gone, to introduce it in several steps to soften the blow and allow them time to process, to gather their friends & relatives to support them It's tests that prove something every doctor in that ER already knows, simply as a kindness to a pair of people whose world has shattered unexpectedly.

Other parallels crop up throughout the course of Nick's storyline as well, with the fact that another patient is brought in to the hospital with a connection that means they could've been involved in the incidents that led Nick & Leah to become patients - Jenna for Nick & David for Leah. Nick's dad lashes out at Jenna when he suspects that she's the one who gave Nick the drugs, but Robby doesn't have the luxury of blaming David, he has to consider him as a patient FIRST no matter what he may or may not have done. He does not get that same outlet, and you can see the weight of that responsibility, even after it's proven that David wasn't the shooter, when he lashes out at McKay, trying to force some of that burden away from himself.

I struggled to find a comparison in Nick's story to what Robby goes through when he breaks the news to Jake & Jake blames him. I didn't think there WAS one, because that's not something Nick's parents COULD have felt or gone through, simply because they're not doctors. It was not their job to save Nick's life. But I realized that the part of Nick's story that corresponds most to this is when they're asked to discuss Nick's status as an organ donor. I gloss over this part when I'm watching & digesting this story because...quite frankly I've put a lot of work into distancing myself from a belief system that would or could consider something as wonderfully miraculous as organ donation blasphemous. But that thinking honestly does the writing a disservice, because if you approach the scene from the eyes of someone who maybe does believe that organ donation destroys one's ability to enter the afterlife, asking that question of a set of parents who come from that background is INCREDIBLY painful. In their eyes, Robby & Emma asking them to consider donating Nick's organs, even to save MULTIPLE LIVES is asking them to kill their son again. It's blunt. It's horrible. It's ripping yet another shred of hope from them after a whole day of agony. It's putting the blame for something entirely out of their control firmly in their hands - the same way Jake does when he blames Robby for not being able to save Leah.

Putting my shipping goggles on below the cut:

That first conversation between Collins & Robby I think is the closest we come to seeing someone genuinely express concern for Robby and try to reach out to him in anything other than a professional capacity before the MCI. She’s the first one to question if he might be putting off the inevitable and prioritizing one patient over others that could be helped, the same way Abbot does when Robby's trying to save Leah. They both understand why he does what he does, but they also both understand that they have the professional responsibility to check him on it. Those lives he could be saving with his time & resources do not mean any less simply because this one person hits a little closer to home for him.

When you look at it this way, it's IMPOSSIBLE to deny the parallels that exist between Collins, who has romantic & sexual history with Robby, and Abbot who is the only one Robby opens up to during the entire day. Throughout the entire shift, we see Dana pulling strings behind the scenes to ease his path, lightly checking in on him when they're discussing beds & availability, we see Langdon questioning (to Dana) Robby's decision to order more tests on Nick Bradley, we see Kiara letting Robby know she's available to talk if he needs it, but the only two who try to force the issue past Robby's reflex jokes are Collins & Abbot. Which could mean nothing, but which means EVERYTHING to me.

It's interesting to think what would've happened if Collins had been there for the MCI, especially after her revelation in the ambulance bay that I think softened her very firm boundaries with Robby. Obviously getting into webweaving territory here, but I'm sure based on his behavior, Robby has a lot of issues relationship-wise with "not opening up" to his partners, and it strikes me as something that could've been a huge problem in his relationship with Collins, especially given they work in the same department. She sees what he goes through every day, and it probably sucks to be the partner of someone who refuses to open up, ESPECIALLY if you're someone who would be able to "get it" in ways another partner wouldn't. His deflection is notably frustrating to her during the day, and I don't want to discount the date as a reason, because quite frankly we don't know Robby's baseline, but I think it would've been a reopening of a wound if she went to check on Robby during or after the MCI and he brushed her off the way he did Whitaker. And I think even in that moment, Robby would've pushed her away because it's all he knows how to do, and it's what she asked for every time he tried to pry into HER business throughout the day, and even in the middle of his breakdown, Robby puts everyone else first.

I have a vested interest in her being gone because it opened up space for Abbot to be that person who does get to see behind the curtain, but it is interesting to contemplate. And not to be all "old man yaoi" about it, but I do think Abbot's age plays into why he was the right choice to have that conversation with Robby. None of the other residents or Shen have the years of built-up blame that Robby & Abbot harbor, and no one else could've related to Robby more in that moment.

And I think they should kiss about it.

[moonlight-ba3]

Hiii can you write about being in a bad relationship and you just got broken up with and you and Macklin have been friends forever and he sees you crying and having a panic attack and he comforts you and you guys end up realizing that you two have always been in love?

Warm 

pairing:macklin celebrini x reader

summary:when you finally get out of your toxic relationship and find a better one.

a/n: fluff, angst, I tried to make this based on the songs almost is never enough and warm by ariana grande, I came up with a random game against the Blackhawks, not proofread!!

I met Jake in freshman year of high school in English class. We started dating when he asked me out for prom in sophomore year. We were great until I introduced him to Macklin, my best friend. 

He always rolled his eyes when I brung Mack up. He hated him so much he convinced me to not invite him to my 18th birthday party. 

I never realized how controlling he was of me. Finally, I brung it up and somehow all we managed to argue about was Macklin.

I just got back from work after 7 hours of staring at a screen. My eye bags are huge, I can barely walk my limbs are so tired. All I wanna do is lay down and not have to argue with my boyfriend.

‘’You look miserable’’ Is the first thing I hear when I walk in.

‘’Jake, I’m exhausted’’ I mumble, putting my stuff up, not wanting to cause anything that would probably just be fight about Macklin somehow.

He rolls his eyes, ‘’God, you’re always exhausted’’ he replies still looking at his phone, most likely looking through some girls instagram.

I take a deep breath trying to calm myself down, but he keeps talking. I finally loose it, ‘’Jake I go to work for 7 hours and all you do is sit on your ass for the whole day! I come home exhausted cause I actually do things. I don’t wanna fight tonight. I’m exhausted’’ I yell at him, my voice slightly cracking. 

‘’Thats all you say, I do things all the time but your to busy talking to your other little boy toy!’’ He yelled back

I look at him, confused. ‘’Who the hell are you talking about?’’ 

He sighs, ‘’The shitty hockey player!’’

Macklin.

The boy I’ve known since I was 5. Who would always come to me no matter what. The only hockey player I would stand up for when they scored. The guy I always tried to convince myself I wasn’t in love with. The Macklin who I did everything with. 

‘’What do you mean?’’ I ask him, unclear on why he would bring him up right now, especially since I haven’t seen him in four weeks. The last time I saw him was at his game against the Blackhawks. All I could look at was him. He scored one goal and had two assists. 

He steps closer to me. ‘’You think I don’t know. I know you’ve been sneaking around and seeing him.’’ He says in a quiet voice. 

‘’I-what?’’ 

‘’Oh my god, you’re so stupid.’’ He laughs 

I stand there, still confused, ‘’Why would you think I’m with him?’’

‘’You’re always talking about him! Macklin this, Macklin that! You never stop. I feel like a side character!’’ 

‘’A side character! I involve you in everything, even things that don’t even concern you.’’ Shocked that he would even say that. 

‘’Even then you still find a way to bring him up! Mack loves this! Me and Mack used to do this together!’’

‘’Iv’e been best friends with him since I was five!’’ I yell back at him.

He closes his eyes, rubbing his hands on his face. 

‘’You’re the most stupidest, self centered person I’ve ever met!’’ 

‘’You always accuse me of the most stupidest shit!’’ 

He looks at me like I have 5 eyeballs.

My eyes are starting to get glossy.

‘’I’m so over you, why don’t you go cry to him about this.’’ He says as he walks out the door. 

I don’t stop him. I can’t. Tears are falling down my face. My hands are shaking. My shaky hand raises to my heart as I start gasping for air. I feel like I’m underwater. The room is caving in on me. All I’m able to do is get my phone out and call him, Macklin.

After the first ring he picks up. 

‘’Hey, y/n’’ His voice calms me down, but not enough.

‘’Mack-I can’t.’’ 

‘’Im coming over. Don’t hang up.’’

He only lives 7 minutes away. I can’t focus on anything. His voice ringing in my ears. All I’m able to make out is ‘’Calm down’’ ‘’breathe’’ ‘’Im here.’’

I hear the door open and he comes running to me. He places me on the couch and kneels on his knee in front of me. 

‘’Look at me.’’ He tells me as he places my hand over his heart. 

I look at his deep green eyes, and finally for what feels like months, Im able to calm down. 

As my breathing evens out, I close my eyes and I feel him pull me in his arms, while he’s still on floor. It feels we were sitting there for hours, when his hand gently pulls my chin to make me look at him again.

My heart rate picks up, I get a giddy feeling that I never got with Jake. 

He places his forehead on mine, still no words exchanged since the call. My hands travel up his toned arms as his stay put on my waist. 

Soon we’re both leaning in. His lips feel soft against mine, the butterflies in my stomach only getting worse. I finally pull away ‘’Mack…’’ Is all I’m able to get out.

‘’I know’’

‘’I got in a fight with Jake, we broke up.’’ I tell him. ‘’Im sorry’’ he sighs.

‘’Don’t be it was toxic anyways.’’ Trying to make humor out of this. 

‘’So, I guess it wasn’t that bad of a thing I kissed you.’’ He says laughing softly.

‘’Never.’’

Finally, in months I feel like I’m breathing and not being held captive.

While we’re still sitting on the floor I tell him ‘’This is cute, but this floor is hurting my butt’’

He laughs, pulling me to stand on my feet as we both sit on the couch. Macklin puts his hand over mine, ‘’I’ll treat you better, I promise.’’ I look at him with a smile ‘’I know you will.’’ 

He pulls me in a hug. It feels real and warm.

It’s warmer in his arms.

[just-b-yourself]

Nick Blaine – Final Thought

Lately, I’ve been haunted by one obsessive thought:

What could Nick’s final thoughts have been, onboard that fucking plane? I love writing — it’s a way for me to let out my thoughts, and sometimes release a buildup of heavy emotions. I know there are incredibly talented people on this platform who write amazing fanfics and beautiful pieces. I’ve never shared anything I’ve written before, but I felt like sharing this one here, in the hope that maybe it might resonate with some of you. It’s a raw, messy, chaotic, unpolished piece — something that could represent what Nick’s mindset and last thoughts might have been before that plane exploded.This is not canon. I chose to imagine that Nick had a sense that something was going to happen, that it was the end. I hope a few of you might connect with it.

Nick — One Minute Left

I’m sitting here, waiting for a flight that feels heavier than the sky. And all I can hear is silence. The kind that presses against your ribs. The kind that knows something you don’t.

They say you know when it’s your time. But I don’t feel fear. I feel something colder. Something lonelier.

I think of her. I always do, in these moments between orders and obedience. I wonder if she’s safe. If she’s warm.If she’s alright. I wonder if she’s thinking of me. If she knows I’m here. If anyone told her. If she’d care.

She wouldn’t let this happen… right?Not if she knew. Not after everything. After the child we made in secret. After every breath I held, every lie I told, every truth I buried… for her.

I kept my heart somewhere between her voice and her silence. Maybe this is what I get. For staying in the grey too long. For loving in the shadows. For believing I could be forgiven for wearing their uniform.

That weight in the air — that crackle in the silence. Like heat before a storm. I turned just slightly, instinctively. Hoping. Imagining. But the fog held its secrets. And still, I boarded.

But I swear, I felt her. I turned slightly. Not enough to make it obvious. Not enough to see. But enough to hope.

Because if she stood in the fog, unseen, and didn’t call out — How could she do that? How could she let me go, after all we survived? Did she think I deserved this? Was I just easier to erase than to forgive?

Then I’m not sure what’s worse: The explosion waiting for me in the sky, Or the realization that I spent all these years dying for someone who decided, in the end, I wasn’t worth saving.

So I tell myself the only thing that lets me breathe:

She didn’t know.

Because if she did — and let me board anyway — That’s a kind of death no fireball could ever match.

It wasn’t the plane that killed me. It wasn’t Gilead. It wasn’t the war. It was watching her walk away.

The last time she saw me, she looked at me like I was something foul. Not a person. Not someone she used to love. Just a living reminder of everything she wanted to escape.

The last time she looked at me, it was like I was something she'd already buried. A memory she didn’t want to remember. I saw it in her eyes — the shift. I was no longer him. Just the reason it still hurt.

But do I regret saving her? Never. Not for a second. I would do it all again — every lie, every bruise, every breath in the dark — just to see her safe.

Because that’s what love does. Even when no one sees you. Even when no one says your name. It stays.

I stayed when she ran. I covered her when they hunted her.

I loved her when she was broken. When she was furious. When she was cruel. I loved her when I shouldn’t have. When it hurt. When it cost me everything. It’s the kind of love that doesn’t ask for anything. That just is. Raw. Honest. Unforgiving in its weight. It was never about ownership. It was about orbit — like no matter how far she drifted, I was always pulled back to her. Like I was made to stay.

Because this place eats dreams. And men like me? We were never meant to keep anything beautiful.

I won’t see Holly again. My beautiful girl. I won’t get to hold her one last time. To tell her how much I loved her. How much I gave up so she could be free. She won’t know that I whispered her name in rooms full of enemies. Will she be safe now? Will she know who I was? Or will they tell her I was just a shadow? A mistake?

She won’t even remember me. Not the sound of my voice. Not the way I held her, so small, so light, like she’d break if I breathed too hard. She’ll grow up not knowing I was even real. And maybe that’s better. Better than being the ghost in the room. The one no one talks about. But God, I wanted to raise her. To hold her hand. To walk her to school. To tell her stories at night. To make her feel safe. I wanted to build her a world where she didn’t have to be afraid. Will Holly grow up safe?

And my son… He’ll be born into a broken world. And I won’t be there to tell him how to survive it. What if he becomes one of them? What if I die trying to stop the machine, and he’s raised inside it — thinking it's all normal? I won’t be there to guide him. To pull him back when the power starts to feel good. To show him that mercy is strength, not weakness. I won’t get to be his father.

Will he look like me? Will he smile like I did when I still believed in things? Or will he grow up and become everything I fought against? Will someone tell him? Who I really was?

Both of my children — No faces of me. No story. Just silence. The same silence I’ve lived in for years.

Maybe I stopped being someone. Maybe I became the thing everyone always thought I was. The guy in the shadows. The Eye. The soldier. The mistake.

It’s not dying. Not being erased. It’s knowing I’ll never get to ask her why. Never get to hear her say it to my face. That she gave up on me. That I wasn’t worth saving. And maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I was always just... temporary. A detour. The guy you love in secret, but never enough to fight for.

Because love, for me, was never about being saved. It was about staying. Even when no one else did.

I stayed quiet. I did the work. I carried the blood on my hands so she didn’t have to. We went through fire together. We made something impossible. A child. A moment of light in a world built to kill it.

Because how could I explain what betrayal looks like when you're playing chess against monsters and sacrificing pieces just to keep someone breathing?

To her now… I’m just the handmaid’s mistake. The one she buried to survive.

She once told me she loved me. I believed her. I still want to. But if love ends with silence… If love means watching someone walk into death and saying nothing… Then maybe she stopped loving me long before this flight ever took off.

So yeah, maybe she did hate me in the end. Maybe I deserve that. But I keep thinking… did she ever really love me? Was I just a way out? A break between the pain?

Should I have fought harder? Run sooner?

But I loved. And I tried to protect what mattered.

The plane is quiet. The kind of quiet that hums under your ribs. You start to hear your own heart, and you wonder when it’ll stop.

And wherever they go next — June, Holly, my son — I’ll be watching. Somehow. Even if they forget me. Even if she looks back one day and still sees a monster — I’ll still be loving them. Even from nowhere.

All the pain, all the blood, all the nights I didn’t sleep — It was all for her. For Holly. For the tiny, stupid dream that maybe I wasn’t nobody after all.

Now I’ll die like I lived. In silence. In the middle of things. Alone. But if there’s anything after this… I’ll find them. And I’ll watch over them. Even if they never say my name again. Even if they think I was just some mistake. I’ll still be there. Because that’s love. The kind you don’t get twice. The kind that doesn’t ask questions. The kind that stays. Even when no one else does.

Call it the ghost of a woman I can’t seem to forget.

Call it love.

But it was always her.

[cxyotl]

idk why i cant answer the ask i got but hi anon who was asking about kierabeth!!! i just got off work. firstly i dont fw shipping discourse because i am employed and have hobbies and frankly have bigger things to concern myself with. my philosophy is honestly that if the ship doesnt hurt anyone, idgaf if you ship it or not. that said i loooove talking about kierabeth so here you go.

i personally don’t view kierabeth through their interactions alone, but by their personalities and other dialogues/scenes. from my analysis of scenes, mary-beth is not into men who are one dimensionally masculine. like micah. she finds romance in the nonconventional (drinking blood? curses? the rugged lives of crime she and her friends live? its all romantic to her, or she weaves romance i to it in her writing). i feel its safe to assume mary-beth has a lot to gain from a guy like kieran (a more three-dimensional man who can be both gentle and emotional AND tough. which i’ll get to in a second. but also a man who is a bit… different. in a lot of ways. unconventional to a T). what she gains from a relationship with a guy like kieran is… like……. connection to someone who is her type, and someone who isn’t the closed off bad-boy that people expect male outlaws to be. he’s someone who could openly tell her whats on his mind, and frankly, he’s someone who seems interested in what her interests. hell he can’t read, but he still asks her about what she’s reading and doing. because he’s genuinely interested. and i think thats something mary-beth could gain from in a relationship.

as for kieran…… you mention that if they were in a relationship, she’d be forced to baby him. i think this is a case of fanon interpretation clouding who kieran actually is. i have a few posts about this, but kieran duffy is nooooottttt a baby. is he emotional? yes. but like…….. he’s human. hell he’s been tortured and dragged this way and that his whole life. men crying doesnt mean theyre babies. it’s just like… a natural response to fear and anxiety. which kieran is full of. but kierans also one tough bitch and thats overlooked to helllll. he doesnt hesitate to kill a man for arthur. he’s on guard and ready to fight for the van der lindes when the pinkertons corner him in clemens point. hes gone through a lottt of shit and he continues to be polite and friendly as like. a choice. in the scenario where he and mary-beth DO get to end up together, i feel like he’d be the same protective and caring guy we see in clemens point specifically.

tldr. i would encourage you to look into both mary-beth and kieran’s individual characters a little deeper! theres plenty of evidence i feel makes them good candidates for a solid ship, and evidence that rockstar wanted folks to see them as a potential thing, if you dig deeper than the basic interactions they have. that said, if you still really cant see them being a thing, who cares? thats your opinion and your feelings on the characters and frankly im not gonna be mad at you for doing whatever you feel like doing when it comes to shipping or not shipping two fictional characters lol. i’m happy to talk more about kierabeth in dms or something too if you want more details ^^

[lilianne-tarot]

PLEASE READ THIS

NOTE: this is a very long post, but to everyone who has followed me for some time, I would request them all to pls give this a few minutes and read this 🫶🏻

So, this is something I’ve been meaning to say for quite some time now. But life was really busy, and some really unfortunate events over the past two months, which kept me very occupied. 

People who actively engage in the tarot community may already know that heavy energies have surrounded the community for a while, and a lot has been happening.

I hope you all take a moment to read and think about what I say here before jumping to any conclusions.

SOOOO, I’ve been learning tarot since 2019. In the beginning, I used to learn through the guidebook that came with the deck I bought. Later, I started learning through online resources and a few books I purchased. I also used to watch a lot of tarot readings on YouTube to understand how to do readings in real life. I practiced consistently from 2019 to 2021, but school got really busy, and I had to stop completely for a while.

I had a file where I used to write down the meanings of tarot cards when I was in my early phase. Whenever I came across any meaning or any point I found interesting, I’d write it there. In 2022, I saw a few people using AI for tarot readings. Back then, I wasn’t even aware of such tools existed. Out of curiosity, I searched for the meanings of a few cards using AI, and I’ll admit, I found some of them interesting and wrote a few down in my file. But very soon, I realized the downsides of using AI, especially how wrong it can feel in the field of spirituality, so I completely gave up on it. Still, this might be the reason why a huge part of my tarot vocabulary sounds a certain way.

Secondly, English is not my first language, so sometimes I can feel insecure or unsure about how I express myself. Initially, I had a certain image in my mind of how I wanted my tarot readings to sound. I could easily achieve that tone and expression in my own language, but when I tried to do it in English, it didn’t sound the way I wanted, so I wanted to achieve it badly. So, I started reading books, in that genre (not related to tarot)which might help me to improve my vocabulary. But in my readings, sometimes, or say,  lot of the time ,I would write sentences in my native language and then use online translation apps to translate them into English, sometimes even rephrasing tools to improve my messy sentences. Initially, I didn’t realise that this could be problematic too. And even if my own English didn’t always match the image I had in my head, I now understand that I shouldn’t have relied on those tools. So I’ve stopped using them as well. Although I might have used translation or rephrasing tools but those were only in a few parts of my readings; most of them were completely and purely my own writing.

I became aware of both of these issues, and my conscience told me I needed to do something. So now, I’m working on redoing my past readings. If you’ve followed me for some time, you might notice that some of them have changed, and I'll redo the rest of them as well in the coming few days. I assumed this would be the best course of action, regardless of the fact that it’s taking so much more time, but honestly, it made me feel good, so I did it. I even deleted a few posts, thinking I’ll redo them properly later.

People sometimes assume my personality is sketchy or that I’m scheming, and… well, I blame my Scorpio Moon for that 😭. At this point, I don’t even mind, because it happens a lot in real life too, haha.

Also, in my personal readings, I always include the names of all the cards and pictures of the actual cards I pull. The readings resonate with so many people, whether it’s a pick-a-card or a personal reading, so you know they were genuinely channeled, even if I used an app to help rephrase things just to improve grammar.

If you read all the way till here, I’m really happy and grateful that you took the time. This was a very vulnerable post for me, and I’m glad I shared it. I feel so good after doing it.

To sum it all up: I don’t use AI to “do” my readings, and I can say that confidently.

I just felt like I should say all this all especially to the people who genuinely support me. I don’t think there’s anything to hide, so I made this post. If you want to speak with me about anything, my heart is always open💗

Thank you so much, truly 🫶🏻

[dixons-sunshine]

Fanfiction Soundtrack

Thank you for tagging me, @daryltwdixon and @dixonsdarkelf ! I love you beautiful angels 🩵 I did a similar layout to what y’all did because I love how organized it looked. Here’s to hoping I did this right.

general playlists: songs georgie (my oc) would listen to. shopping spree, hangout dreams. writing playlist.

quarters of the undead:

The Boyfriend Assessment | track not found (I didn’t listen to a specific song when writing this, but I listened to my writing playlist)

Crushes Are For School Girls | Shower by Becky G

Ain’t no words to describe you, baby All I know is that you take me high Can you tell that you drive me crazy? ‘Cause I can’t get you out my mind

Scars To Your Beautiful | Scars To Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara

There’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful

More Than Meets The Eye | First Impressions by The Stylistics

First impressions are misleading That’s what they say Sweet affections should grow slowly And steady and deeper every day

shopping spree, hangout dreams chart toppers (my favourites):

Shopping Spree, Hangout Dreams | You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift

Walk in the streets with you in your worn-out jeans I can’t help thinking this is how it ought to be Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself “Hey, isn’t this easy?”

Snitches Get Stitches | All For Love by Bryan Adams

When it’s love you give I’ll be a man of good faith Then in love you’ll live I’ll make a stand, I won’t break

Sweet Dreams ‘Til Sunbeams Find You | Dream A Little Dream Of Me by The Mamas & The Papas

Sweet dreams ‘til sunbeams find you Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you But in your dreams, whatever they be Dream a little dream of me

The Archer’s Girl | Angel With A Shotgun by The Cab

They say before you start a war You better know what you’re fighting for Well baby, you are all that I adore If love is what you need, a soldier I will be

greatest hits (my favourite fics):

Pregnant Pause—Daryl Dixon x Fem!Reader | The Show Must Go On by Queen

Ooh, I’ll top the bill, I’ll overkill I have to find the will to carry on (On with the show, on with the show) Show (The show must go on, go on)

Holding On To You—Daryl Dixon x Fem!Reader | I Want To Hold Your Hand by The Beatles

Yeah, you got that somethin’ I think you’ll understand When I say that somethin’ I want to hold your hand

That’s What Makes You Beautiful—Daryl Dixon x Fem!Reader | What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction

If only you saw what I can see You’d understand why I want you so desperately Right now I’m looking at you and I can’t believe You don’t know (oh oh) You don’t know you’re beautiful (Oh oh) That’s what makes you beautiful

What’s Your Name?—Daryl Dixon x Georgianna Hawkins | Love At First Sight by Kylie Minogue

Thought that I was going crazy Just having one of those days yeah Didn’t know what to do Then there was you

Stay Quiet, Pretty Boy—Scud Frohmeyer x Fem!Reader | 34+35 by Ariana Grande

Can you stay up all night? Fuck me ‘til the daylight 34, 35 (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

Wake Up Call—Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader | Lovely Day by Bill Withers

Look At Me—Scud Frohmeyer x Fem!Reader | Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door by Bob Dylan and Eric Clapton

Mama put my guns in the ground I can’t shoot them anymore That cold black cloud is comin’ down Feels like I’m knockin’ on Heaven’s door

When I wake up in the morning, love And the sunlight hurts my eyes And something without warning, love Bears heavy on my mind Then I look at you And the world’s alright with me Just one look at you And I know it’s gonna be A lovely day

A High Mind Speaks A Sober Heart—Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader | Drunk On Love by Rihanna

You know I’m drunk on love Drunk on love Nothing can sober me up It’s all that I need

Good Girl, Officer—Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader | Playing Dangerous by Lana Del Rey

Everybody knows I’m a good girl, officer No, I wouldn’t do a thing like that, that’s for sure The house was already on fire, I swear I’m not a liar (officer) Well, I’m a little shaken, but I’m fine, thanks for asking Tell me, do you always work alone so late? (Officer) Gosh, I’m a little shy standing here in my nightgown Do you really have to put those tight handcuffs on?

Night Breezes Seem To Whisper “I Love You”—Connor MacManus | Dream A Little Dream Of Me by The Mamas & The Papas

Stars shinin’ bright above you Night breezes seem to whisper, “I love you” Birds singin’ in the sycamore tree Dream a little dream of me

‘Cause I’m so Into You—Joel Miller x Fem!Reader | Into You by Ariana Grande

So, baby, come light me up And maybe I’ll let you on it A little bit dangerous But, baby, that’s how I want it A little less conversation and a little more touch my body ‘Cause I’m so into you, into you, into you

A Glimpse Of Us—Joel Miller x Fem!Reader (coming soon!) | A Glimpse Of Us by Joji

Said, “I’m fine”, and said, “I moved on” I’m only here passing time in her arms Hoping I’ll find a glimpse of us

collaborators (no pressure tags): @holdmytesseract @angelwings-crossbowstrings @deansapplepie @francisofthespook @darylgf @tinysunshine @lazyneonrabbitt @pandapetals @stellar-waves @angelsanarchy (tagging some newer mutuals. If y’all don’t like being tagged in things like this, please feel free to let me know and I won’t in the future!)

[tiptoethewordsgo]

hello gravity falls tumblr, someone write a fanfic where the pines family have to break bill out of rehab to help defeat a greater evil and my life is yours

[cruel-hiraeth]

sometimes i contemplate making a self ship page with a nifty list and links, but that takes effort…and the only think i really want to put effort into is my writing bc that’s ultimately where i derive my self-worth

[uchiha-gaeshi]

Does anyone else automatically size themselves up with people their age and look for ways that you’re inferior to them? Just me? Ok….