#i wrote 4k of an original story

[the-travelling-witch]

1) you're not appearing on my dashboard as often as before and i find it extremely me-phobic from tumblr 🙄 idc if it's ramblings or writing TUMBLR LET HOLLY TAKE PLACE ON MY HOME YOU DAMN COWARD

2) idk why but i noticed now your aesthetics about scara's style of clothing and tattooing??? or maybe i forgot but then remembered it idk BUT ANYWAY now a teeny tiny question: will you perhaps do the same for the others in the future, should you find the proper pics? i think it's nice to have an actual reference for that kind of things, otherwise i don't think your followers will be short on ideas lol :>

mwah mwah take care~

— ❄️

1) i think it’s less of a tumblr issue and more of a holly issue, i’ve been very unproductive and didn’t dare show my face around tumblr jshsh (i really need to finish these diasomnia hcs and get back into the posting game but now there’s this oc who’s wedged himself into my brain)

2) i might if i can curate the right collection of pics; i didn’t realise it’s something people would want bc i just assumed people would project their own aesthetics onto the characters anyway; but i can definitely look into that (i was thinking about an outfit today and thought “modern au kazuha vibes”)

[kirawaswrong]

somewhere in the haze

summary: You made a mistake that nearly cost you your life. Now your boyfriend is pissed at you, and you're not completely sure why. Is there hope for reconciliation?

pairing: chuuya nakahara x female! reader

genre: slight angst, smut

word count: 4k+

warnings: MDNI!! starts angsty but then...., fingering, oral (fem receiving), soft dom chuu [kinda], bratty reader [a bit], aka I finally am dipping my toes into smut, also depictions of stabbing

note: I wrote smut, ya’ll!!! But being me, there is a story too. Dealing with big emotions and all that jazz. I hope you enjoy!

Getting ready for work wasn’t usually an arduous affair. You had it down to a routine, and even made an event of it. While cooking breakfast, you were a celebrity chef. When taking a shower, you’d give the concert of a lifetime. But today, nothing was making it easier. It was your first day back in over a month. It should have been a cause for celebration. But you were in a fight with your boyfriend. 

The previous night's events played on repeat in your head while you put your clothes on.  You brushed your teeth, and all you could think of was Chuuya's furrowed brow.  The fight made you see the past month in a new light. You felt stupid for not realizing his feelings sooner.

You were working on a solo assignment. It was pretty standard, and in fact, one you’d done several times before. It was security for a jewelry store. The store turned a blind eye to the Port Mafia's illegal jewelry ring. In return, sometimes they'd request a member come by and watch over the place.  

It was late at night. It seemed like a rare uneventful day was about to pass by. But then a tall, slender man tried to enter the store after hours. You knew you could take him, so you chased him to the roof. Before he could turn, you socked him in the back of the head. He fell immediately, out cold. 

You were sure you’d incapacitated him enough to call for someone to assist you in disposing of him. As soon as your back was to him, an arm wrapped around your throat. Pain shocked your lower abdomen; he'd stabbed you. He called you a dumb bitch before removing the knife and throwing you to the ground. 

With a shaky hand, you reached for your phone. The warm ooze of your blood made it too difficult to maneuver it to call for help. Your wound went from feverish to frigid, and the edges of the world got a lot fuzzier. As you faded, you thought of the hardships you’d faced and how you finally felt like you belonged somewhere. And now you were gonna die on top of a shitty building. 

Your last thoughts were of Chuuya, and how you hoped he wouldn’t have to see your corpse.  Then, everything went black. 

---

But the Port Mafia had your back. You awoke with a sharp ache in your stomach and a heaviness in your head. Before even blinking your eyes open, you knew you were in the organization’s medical wing. 

“You’re awake.”

The voice that spoke was one you knew well but never failed to slice a shiver down your spine.

You forced your eyes open. Mori Ougai stood like a shadow by your bed. His hands clasped behind his back. He held an almost bored expression as if your stabbing was a mild inconvenience to him. 

“Hi boss,” you said. You tried to sit up to formally address him but hissed in pain. 

“Refrain from unnecessary movements for the time being,” He said. “The blade nicked your appendix, so I took the liberty of removing it for you.”

Wow, a surprise appendectomy. How thoughtful. 

“We’d received no communication from you in some time,” Mori said. “So it was clear you were in danger. If you’d lost one more liter of blood, you would be dead. That’s why I started a transfusion.”

You looked down to see an IV in your inner right arm. Blood came from a bag, and you knew better than to question its origins. 

This wasn’t the first time you’d woken up in the medical wing, nor would it be the last. But usually, someone else was at your bedside.

“So,” you said, “Where is-?”

“Chuuya will be here shortly,” Mori interrupted. “He wasn’t notified until it was certain whether you would live or die.”

You weren’t surprised. If Chuuya knew the extent of your injuries, he’d tear the world apart to be there. From Mori’s perspective,  wherever Chuuya was had more importance than being with you. 

“For now, continue to rest,” Mori smiled in a way that was supposed to offer comfort. “If there are no complications, you can go home tomorrow.”

“What about work?” You blurted out.

“We’ll discuss the matter later.”

Mori administered more pain medication and left the room. Before you could think about much else, the drugs knocked you into a hazy sleep. At some point, you swore you heard muffled voices outside the room. Your eyes were too heavy to open, but you felt a warm gloved hand holding your own. You slept deeper after that.

---

The next day, you went home. Naturally, Chuuya took you to his place. Resting was imperative to your recovery, and you had trouble with that sometimes. 

Once at the penthouse, Chuuya set you up in the guestroom. When you weren’t recovering from a knife wound and impromptu surgery, you were used to sleeping with him in his bed. You thought that he was afraid of impeding the healing process. 

Once you were comfortable in the bed, he told you to stay put. 

“If you don’t,” he said, “I’ll use my ability on you.”

His crooked smile and delivery of the threat told you it was a joke. But there wasn’t much joy behind his eyes. You made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a cough. 

That set the tone for your stay. You weren’t completely oblivious. Something was wrong with Chuuya. He went through the motions of aiding in your recovery. He helped you bathe, changed your dressings, and made sure you took your medicine. But the other times Chuuya rehabilitated you, he’d be smirking and telling jokes. When you worried, he'd give you soft kisses. This time, he was more…sterile. 

You told yourself that it was because of how close to death you were this time. And in a way, you were right. 

A week later, you had a partial return to work. Though your wound had superficially healed, internal damage was still possible. So you were stuck doing nothing but paperwork. You fucking hated it. Everyone at the Port Mafia had to deal with papers, but not hour after hour, day after day. You felt like a glorified secretary. You were eager to go on missions again. 

When you shared those thoughts with Chuuya, you received a slight nod and silence. It was odd, as your perseverance and enthusiasm were what had attracted him to you in the first place. 

A few weeks later, Mori told you that you would be able to return to full-time duties the following day. Though it was exciting, you felt deflated. Chuuya had been so distant, you didn’t want to tell him. He was an executive, so the odds were he already knew. 

That night after dinner, he confirmed your suspicions.  At the table, you nonchalantly said you were nervous and excited to leave paperwork duty. Chuuya’s expression darkened, and he sighed. You decided it was time to rip off the bandaid. 

“That was a pretty heavy sigh.” 

He said nothing.

“What’s up?”

“I don’t think you should go back yet,” he said. 

It was your turn to sigh. “Look, babe. I know it was a pretty serious injury, but I’ll be fine.”

“It’s not about that. I think we should go over training again.”

“Chuuya, I’ve been in the mafia for almost a year now,” you said. “Training ended a long time ago.”

“Well, maybe you need a refresher course,” he said in a venom-soaked tone.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Everyone knew Chuuya was an explosively angry man. His yelling was nothing to scoff at, but it wasn’t out of the ordinary. What most people didn’t know was how terrifying it was when he was quiet. 

“I never thought you would be so reckless. Turning your back on an opponent while on a solo mission. Didn’t even call for backup or anything.”

You felt like a stone sank into your stomach. The other shoe dropped. He was…angry at you. 

“I tried,” you sputtered. “But the blood was coming out, and I-”

“You should have called for someone as soon as you saw the guy.”

“He was a beanpole,” you said. “I thought I could take him!”

“He might not have been alone. What would you have done then?” 

You were at a loss for words. “I just…I-”

“You got cocky,” Chuuya finished. “Which is exactly what I’ve warned you against since day one, haven’t I? Don’t get a big head, and never turn your back on anyone. Especially if you’re alone!”

“So, what, am I the only person who’s ever made a mistake?” You spat back.

“You can’t afford to make mistakes like that,” his voice rose. “You make those mistakes, you die!”

“You think I don’t know that?” You exclaimed. “That’s all I could think about on the roof!”

“Good,” Chuuya said. “Hold onto that feeling. Next time you’re on a mission, you can think of it. Then you'll remember to cover your ass and you won't pull something like that again.”

A tense silence hung over the room. You were both heated and so angry. You knew better than to say anything. Having the last word would be a petty thing to worry about. 

But anger made you a petty person.

“Fine,” you said. “I will remember that feeling. When I go out on the field tomorrow.”

Chuuya scoffed. “I don’t want you to go back out yet!”

“So sorry, Mr. Nakahara,” your voice dripped with sardonic respect. “I know I made you and the rest of the higher-ups look bad, but I have to get back to doing my job.”

You got up from the table and began to storm from the kitchen. Two steps later, Chuuya’s hand wrapped around your forearm. 

“We’re not done talking.”

“I am,” you said.

He turned you around to face him. Anger still filled his eyes, but his jaw wasn’t quite as clenched. 

“You can’t just run away from this,” he said. His voice softened to the slightest degree. “I’m not saying this as your superior. As someone who cares about you, I don’t know if you’re ready to go back out there yet. Is that so hard to understand?”

You wanted to agree with him. Fall into his arms, and put the whole mess of a fight behind you. But pride was something you shared with Chuuya. 

“I’m going in tomorrow,” you said. “And you won’t stop me.”

After a moment, he let your arm go. 

You packed your things and came into the living room with a suitcase. Without a word, Chuuya helped you put everything in his car. Neither of you spoke on the drive. The silence was relentless in the parking lot. When you left the car, he finally spoke.

“Be careful.”

You gave a nod and headed into your building. 

---

Which led to your first day back. A day that should have been celebratory, but was now marred with grey. 

Besides a few passing remarks from colleagues, no one made a big deal about your recovery or return. It was the mafia. People pulled through from worse injuries all the time. 

You had no solo assignments that day, which you were thankful for. Not because of fear, but because it was easier to shut your mind off and focus.  You did keep your word and were very careful. 

During downtime, the argument swirled around in your head. Chuuya trusted you. He knew that you were well-trained. Why would he say you weren’t ready to go out on your own anymore? 

The end of the day came. When you got to your car, he leaned against it with his arms crossed.

You weren’t sure if you felt relieved or annoyed. 

“Can we talk?”

You sighed. “Yeah.”

He slid into the passenger’s seat with you in the driver’s. 

For a moment, he said nothing. Both of you stared forward.  You were starting to wonder why the two of you had so many tense silences in cars.

“So,” you said. “You wanted to talk.”

“You didn’t get hurt today,” he said. 

“No, I didn’t.” 

“Good.”

Another silence. 

“Look, Chuuya-”

“I didn’t mean what I said.”

You turned to him. “Okay?”

“You’re good at your job,” he said, turning to you. “I’d be an idiot not to know that.”

“Then why did you make me feel like I don’t know what I’m doing?” You asked. 

He sighed, leaning his head back on the seat. “Babe…You almost died.”

“Yeah, I know that, but–”

“No, you almost died. It scared the hell out of me.”

You didn’t know what to say. 

“I know anyone could fuck up and wind up dead,” he continued. “But you’re not just anyone.”

His eyes were on you. He reached over the console to hold one of your hands in both of his. 

“I don’t wanna lose you.”

Your resolve melted like a puddle. “Why didn’t you just say this like a month ago?”

He chuckled without humor. “I was afraid I’d blow up at ya.”

“Thank god that didn’t happen,” you deadpanned.

“I am sorry,” he said. “Look, either of us could die any day.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

“It’s the truth,” he said, squeezing your hand. “But I need you to do everything you can to keep yourself alive.”

His eyes shone with sincerity, and your lingering anger evaporated.

“Only if you promise to do the same,” you said. “I’m sorry for worrying you.”

He pulled you across the console and held you against his chest. You embraced each other for what seemed like an eternity before he broke the silence.

“Wanna come to my place tonight?”

---

With the fight resolved and put behind you, it was easy to return to the domesticity you’d both grown accustomed to. Chuuya ordered takeout from one of your favorite restaurants. Throughout the meal, his eyes couldn't stay off of you. 

After dinner, you sat on the couch together, barely watching an old sitcom rerun. Your back was against his torso, and his arms wrapped around your waist. You chattered on about your first day back. 

“...And then Higuchi kept trying to get Akutagawa’s attention even though I’ve told her a thousand times that he–Chuuya!”

He’d leaned forward to kiss the side of your neck. 

“Go ahead,” He murmured against your delicate skin. “I’m listening.”

You made an earnest attempt of continuing your story. Chuuya thwarted it by nibbling and sucking below your ear.

“Y-you’re distracting me,” you fought the urge to moan.

“Am I?” He chuckled. 

You gasped as his hands crept down to your thighs, gently pulling them further apart. His dick began to harden against your back.

“I’ve just been thinking, baby,” he murmured. “Between your injury and our fight, there’s a lot of things we haven’t been able to do in a while. Wanna start doing them again tonight?”

You answered with a breathless whimper and he kneaded his fingers on your thighs. His touches crept closer to the heat pooling between your legs.

But then, he stopped his movements and rested his chin on your shoulder.

“Only if you want to,” he said. “No pressure, okay?”

You turned your head to smooch his cheek.

“I do want to,” you breathed.  “I really want to.”

---

In previous instances of lovemaking, Chuuya could be a bit rough. This benefitted both of you. It helped him work out some of his aggression. And for you? Well, you found it hot.

But tonight, he placed you gently in the middle of the bed. His eyes remained locked with yours as he removed his waistcoat and pants. He joined you on the soft sheets, framing one of your thighs with both of his. He tangled a gloved hand in your hair and then leaned down to kiss you. His lips pressed onto your lips, your heart thunked against your ribs. Warmth bloomed from your chest and spread throughout your entire body. You wrapped your arms around his waist, pulling him closer. Chuuya rubbed his knee against the heat between your legs, causing you to moan into his mouth. 

He broke the kiss, a smirk across his lips. 

“You okay?” He asked, stroking your cheek with his thumb.

“Yeah,” you gasped. His knee still rested squarely against your crotch. “I’m very much okay.”

He chuckled. “Tell me if that changes, got it?”

You nodded. Before you could verbally respond, he moved his thumb from your cheek to your lips.

“Would you take this off for me, sweetheart?”

You opened your mouth and gingerly bit the tip of the glove. He pulled his hand back, releasing it from the leather. 

He took the glove from you, planting a quick kiss on your lips. 

“Thank you.”

“No problem,” you responded, trying to pretend your face wasn’t burning hot. 

His next target was your collarbone. You’d have hickeys by morning with the way he sucked and scraped his teeth against the soft expanse of skin. He untucked your shirt, slipping his hand underneath and up your torso. Your nipples responded to his touch from beneath the fabric of your bra.  

“We gotta level the playing field, babe,” he playfully admonished against your neck.

“Hmm?”

“I’m practically naked,” he said. “And here you are, still fully clothed. Doesn’t seem fair.”

You snorted. Chuuya wore so many layers of clothing that being in a dress shirt and boxers really was close to nudity for him. 

“I see your point,” you said. 

You pushed him off, sitting up and pulling your shirt over your head. A smug grin played on your lips when you saw the way he looked at you. Even in your everyday bra, he still made it seem like you wore the most mouthwatering lingerie he’d seen in his life.

“Better?” You asked.

He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you close and kissing you again.

“Almost,” he murmured against your lips. 

And with one hand, he unclasped your bra. 

“Chuuya!” You laughed out a reprimand. The impressiveness of the act outweighed any embarrassment. Still, you held the garment against your chest. 

“What?”

“I’d hardly call this an even playing field,” you said. 

“Semantics,” he scoffed, waving a hand. “Now, get your fuckin’ arms outta the way, would ya?”

You playfully rolled your eyes but did as he said, and removed the bra completely. 

He laid you back on the bed, hovering over you. Mindfully keeping his weight off of you, he grasped your breasts. His mouth found your right nipple, sucking on it hard while his gloved hand played with the left.

With a moan, your head rolled back onto the pillow. When he switched to the left nipple, you raised up to look at him. He'd closed his eyes, and he seemed to be at peace with everything in the world. 

“Enjoying yourself, Chuu?” You teased. 

His eyes shot open, and his face rivaled his hair in redness. 

“Yeah,” he said after dislodging from your breast. “And I bet I’m not the only one.”

His bare hand traced down your torso and into your pants. He traced a finger against your panties, feeling the soaked-through fabric.

“You’re pretty wet,” he said. “Want me to do something about it?”

“Uh-huh,” you gasped.

“Aw, where’d that smart mouth of yours go, babe?” 

You narrowed your eyes, saying nothing.

He chuckled but relented by pushing your panties aside. He slid his finger down your slit before plunging two fingers inside. The fingers crooked inside you in the most delicious way. 

“Now, tell me,” he said, continuing to work you from the inside. “Is there anything else you want me to do to you?”

“Y-yes,” you stammered. 

“And, uh,” he stroked your shoulder with a gloved finger. “What exactly would that be?”

You fought to form a sentence. “I think you already know.”

He smirked, looking at you from beneath his lashes. “Yeah, I have a pretty good idea. But I wanna hear you say it.”

“Chuuya,” you whined. “Please.”

“C’mon, pretty girl. Use your words. I’ll take good care of ya if you do.”

The way he was using his damn words–and his fingers–was driving you crazy.

You drew in a shaky breath and looked straight into his eyes.

“I want you to make me cum on your tongue.”

His smirk intensified and placed a kiss on your cheek. 

“Good girl. Now, was that so hard?”

“Yeah, yeah,” you said. “Quit teasing and put your mouth to better use.”

“Hey now,” his tone playfully darkened. He withdrew his fingers from your core and lewdly sucked them dry. “Don’t forget who’s in charge here.”

You rolled your eyes. “Sorry, Chu.”

He muttered something that sounded suspiciously like “brat” and sat back on his heels. He removed his other glove, tossing it aside. He peeled off your pants and discarded your underwear. 

Your eyes lingered on the ceiling while his gaze raked over your nude body. The intensity of his eyes tracing over every inch of you was something you weren’t sure you’d ever get used to. His thumb smoothed over the raised skin of the new scar that brandished the skin above your right hip. 

“Look at me,” he said.

He rewarded you with a lovestruck smile when you did what he said. 

“You’re fuckin’ beautiful, y’know?”

“Yeah, my boyfriend’s mentioned it from time to time,” you giggled. 

“I’ll tell ya every day if I have to.”

He put a pillow beneath your hips to elevate you and then began to settle himself between your legs. He tossed his hair over his shoulder to get it out of his way. His arms wrapped around your legs, and his hands pressed into the soft flesh. He pressed kisses to your inner thigh, inching closer to where you desperately wanted him. 

His face was mere centimeters from your center. His blue eyes locked onto your face. He ran his tongue over his top lip.

And then he kissed the other thigh.

“Chuu, come on!” You whined. “You’ve kept me waiting long enough.”

He tsked under his breath. “Be patient.”

“I have been,” you argued.

“You’re gonna get what you want,” he reasoned. “I promised you that, didn’t I?”

You sighed, leaning your head back against the pillow. 

“Yeah, you did,” You grumbled. “But I thought, you know, it’d be some time tonight and wouldn’t take forever-oh!”

In your exasperation, you failed to notice the devilish look on Chuuya’s face as he dove in to lick your slit firmly. He ended it with a flick to your clit with the tip of his tongue. 

When you returned your gaze to him, the sight was almost too much to bare. His eyes danced with gloating. Your thighs framed his handsome face.

The admiration turned into more ecstasy as he continued. 

He gave you another unyielding lick and then began to suck on your clit. You moaned shamelessly, burying your hands in his hair. When you tugged at his roots, his groan reverberated into you in the most wonderful way. Spurred on, he shoved two fingers back inside of you.

It was clear you wouldn’t last long. His tongue curled around your clit now, with the tips of his fingers crooking against you from the inside. Your eyes slammed shut and your mouth gaped open. Sparks flew in the darkness of your vision. And before long, you came while crying his name.

His mouth continued to work you through it. On the onset of overstimulation, you whined and pulled his hair harder. 

Chuuya pulled away with a lopsided grin. “Tapping out already?”

Too dazed to shoot a quip at him, you nodded with a grin of your own.

He released your legs, paused to gently kiss your scar, and made his way up your body. His lips met yours again, and you could taste yourself on his tongue. 

“I’ve missed you,” he said, resting his forehead against yours. “Missed this too.”

“Same here,” you murmured. 

Though the moment was tender, your heart was still racing. Reuniting with Chuuya made you feel so relieved. And he made you feel safe, loved, and taken care of. 

But you couldn’t help but notice how hard his dick was against your thigh.

Your hand reached down and palmed the outside of his boxers, earning a stuttering gasp from him.

“Now we gotta take care of you.”

[daydreams-after-dark]

Back in Ten, baby

Pairing: CEO dom!leaning Jisung x sub!leaning fem reader // established relationship

Scenario: Han instructs you to wear a strap-on and peg him in the hotel after his important business function.

Word Count: 4K approx

MDNI // SMUT - LOTS OF SMUT Content warnings below the cut

CW: oral sex (both rec), pegging - anal sex with strap on dildo (m rec), collar leash, name calling (slut, cockslut, baby, angel), praise, choking, cum eating, squirting, aftercare, an obsession with Jisung’s ass, feeling up in a semi public place (kind of, but not really), indecency in front of a hotel window

A/N: Just a word of warning. I was unhinged when I wrote this. If you are not into anal play, this isn’t for you because Jisung loves his ass to be played with and y/n is in love with Jisung’s ass. It’s a match made in heaven.

Also... This story was originally posted on my main blog... but because it's a little more flavoursome, I think it belongs over here.

This story was born out of an ongoing discussion with @noellllslut where we both wondered what it might be like if Jisung wanted to be pegged but he wasn’t our subby, needy baby.

This is my version of what it could look like.

Thank you @noellllslut for letting me run some things by you and also getting me worked up and feral thinking about him in this way. I hope I did this story justice.

“You did so good tonight, Jisung. I’m proud of you.” You kissed your CEO boyfriend on the cheek, as the elevator doors closed once again after letting the last person out of the lift, leaving the two of you alone. Finally.

You’d spent the last four hours at his side while he worked the room and mingled with the investors. Now he was wrapping his arms around your waist and pushing you against the mirrored wall of the elevator. Only five more floors to go until you reached the top floor of your shared suite.

“Mister Han!” You exclaimed. “What is that pressing against me? Don’t tell me you’re going to ruin me in a hotel lift?” You leaned into his ear “They have cameras you know?” You whispered. 

Jisung grinned against your neck. “I know.” He answered and slid his hand under your dress and tugged your panties aside. 

“Baby!” You protested and pretended you wanted him to stop.

“That’s Sir to you.” He growled as removed his fingers as the elevator bell dinged indicating you had reached your floor.

“Shit, baby. I just remembered. I need to go back downstairs, I forgot something. You go ahead babe. I’ll only be ten minutes.”

He smacked you affectionately on the ass as you stepped out of the elevator.

“Yes Sir.” You replied suspiciously and smiled to yourself as you made your way to your shared room.

The hotel suite wasn’t the biggest, but it was luxurious with a large, plush bed, couch, widescreen television and a generous bathroom off to the right. A large mahogany desk stood at the far end of the room with a backdrop of floor to ceiling windows that looked out to the city. The view was breathtaking, but your eyes were drawn to something else.

A red box in the middle of the bed. A gift? You sat on the mattress and lifted the lid. Inside was a pile of red tissue paper with a note on top. 

They were instructions. 

“Be a good girl and wear these for me. Be ready in ten minutes.”

Ten minutes. The exact number of minutes Jisung said he’d be before returning to the room.

Cheeky shit.

You peeled open the tissue paper to reveal what exactly it was you were meant to wear and your eyes widened: a strap-on dildo, red collar, and chain leash. 

Lifting the strap-on out of the box and inspecting it, you realised it was massive. Much, much bigger than any of the plugs and dildos he’d gotten you to use on him previously. You’d certainly never used one this big on him, and you’d never used a strap-on before.

You reached back into the box agan and retrieved the thick red leather collar and accompanying leash.

You only had ten minutes to be ready. You took a deep breath, and prepared yourself mentally for how your night was going to unfold, and took your supplies to the bathroom where the lighting was better and you could see what you were doing.

Most of your ten minutes was spent trying to get the strap-on to fit just right. The dildo looked even more alarming in size than you first thought. At a guess it was 8 inches long, but the girth? How he was going to take that up his ass you weren’t entirely sure. But he chose it so he must be confident. Right?

Next, you fastened the collar around your neck and attached the chain, and finally studied yourself in the full length mirror in the corner of the bathroom. 

It felt like such a juxtaposition really. The idea of wearing a strap-on conjured up the idea of the wearer being in charge, dominating a submissive lover, making a needy man or woman desperately beg for his or her hole to be fucked. But the collar and leash around your neck was a stark reminder that you weren’t in control tonight. Your role was to please Jisung, Sir Han, and tonight it seemed Sir Han wanted you to do all the hard work, while he sat back and relaxed.

You considered whether or not to put on a sexy bra and sheer stay ups, but it wasn’t on your instructions, so you decided to simply fix your hair and make up.  

Looking down at your fake cock, you wrapped your fingers around the girth, you couldn’t even get your fingers around it, and pumped it a few times like you always saw Jisung do before he’d push it into your cunt. You imagined pushing it into his tight hole. The way it was going to stretch him open and disappear inside of him. The thought alone had you wet. You were ready.

“Alright,” you said to yourself. “Let’s go fuck your man.”

“So fucking slutty.” a deep voice resonated through the hotel suite when you stepped back into the dimly lit space. You were momentarily startled to find Jisung had already come back into the room and was sat behind his desk. Behind him the full length windows overlooking the city magnified the power he radiated as a CEO. 

“Come.” He gestured for you to come around to his side of the desk, turning his chair towards you and reaching out for your hands as you came to stand in front of him. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked drinking you in.

“Nervous.” You whispered. Jisung smiled at your admission.

“That’s okay, my sweet angel.” He squeezed your hands. “All you have to do is follow what I say.” He reached up to play with the chain of the leash. You felt a heat rise through you at the possibilities of what he could ask of you. 

He let go of your leash letting it drop against your bare skin and slid a hand under his desk to retrieve a round footstool. 

“Sit.” He patted the cushioned top. You did as he asked and sat yourself down on the low seat between his spread legs.

He leaned back in his chair and you blinked up at him with expectant eyes. The corners of his mouth curled upwards into a smirk and he dropped his gaze to your strap-on, and bit his lip hungrily. Maybe he was needy after all?

“Undress me.” He said low, his voice laced with desire.

You moved slowly, placing a hand on each of his knees and running them up his thighs, enjoying the feel of his muscles beneath his trousers. You ghosted your hands over his crotch, you could see he was hard under there, before sliding them up his stomach and chest, all the way to rest on the top button of his shirt. He’d already lost his jacket and tie somewhere along the way, so you didn’t have too much to take off. 

You took your time undoing one button at a time and slowly exposing his chest. Your eyes flickered up to meet his. The way he was looking at you made you flustered and your fingers faltered for a moment.

“You really are nervous, aren’t you baby?” He whispered, while you persevered with his shirt. 

Next, your fingers found his belt buckle and you undid his trousers, allowing you to untuck his shirt and push it off his shoulders and removing it entirely from his body. He didn’t take his hazy eyes off you as he watched you explore his toned chest with your fingertips, eventually trailing them down past his belly button and into the waistband of his trousers. He didn’t need to be asked to lift up while you pulled his pants and underwear from him.

He was truly a marvel to look at. Fully naked in all his glory, the city night lights and moonlight illuminating his skin in the prettiest way. And his cock. So hard. So thick. So irresistible. Sitting there untouched against his hard abdomen.

You could barely wait for your next instruction, and If you actually had a real cock yourself, it’d be throbbing for him and leaking at the tip, just like your cunt ached and was moistening by the second.

Jisung reached out to lazily squeeze one of your breasts making your skin tingle. Your nipple hardened when he rubbed circles over it with the pad of his thumb, and then he grasped onto the leash dangling from your neck. Wordlessly, he tugged on the chain, gently forcing your head down near his cock. Gripping his length with his other hand he rubbed the tip along your bottom lip.

“Open up baby. Suck on it for me.” he wound the leash around his hand and reached up to hold onto the back of your head and pushed you down over his length. It was absolutely fucking delicious and you couldn’t hide how much it pleased you to have him in your mouth.

“That’s it baby. I know you love it, don’t you? My little cockslut. So precious.” he praised as you purred around his dick.

“Let’s see if we can get it all the wa-” his words were cut short as you sunk down entirely onto him until your nose was nestled against his wispy pubic hair. “Oh yes… just like that. Taking me so well.” 

He held you in place so you couldn’t move then pinched your nose closed. “That’s it. Let’s get those eyes watering.” He let go just long enough to let you catch your breath and then pushed you back down and held your nose closed. You felt the head of his cock lodged in the back of your throat while he held you down, cutting off your air supply until your head felt light and fuzzy. Again, he released you and let the air fill your lungs before repeating the same thing two more times. 

Jisung knew you loved it when he did this. He knew how wet you got from it. You had practiced and experimented plenty enough that he knew exactly the number of seconds he could choke you with his cock before it was too much for you. Plus you had your “two taps on the thigh” signal if needed. 

Jisung released you, and while you bobbed up and down his cock, reached over the side of his chair to pull a lever that allowed the backrest to recline 45 degrees. “Baby. You know what you need to do now.” he tapped you on the head with a bottle of lube.

Drunk with lust, you growled in protest as he pulled your mouth off his cock entirely so he could hook a hand underneath his thighs to pull his legs up so he was almost folded in half. His cock, balls and tight little asshole were on display for you, perfect for your next task.

But before you even opened the lube, you couldn’t resist holding onto the base of his cock and leaning down to take his balls in your mouth. He groaned in pleasure as you sucked them in and rolled them around in your warm wet mouth and then hummed around them for good measure.

You released them with a pop, and moved your attention lower. Pressing a palm on each of his cheeks to get him as wide as possible and spat directly onto his hole.

“Fuck!” Jisung hissed when the saliva made contact. You dove in and pressed your tongue against his asshole. Again, Jisung cursed trying to remain calm. You licked around the tight ring of muscle several times, then took your attention back up to his balls, taking them into your mouth again, before coming back down to his hole. You pressed against it with the tip of your tongue until it breached the muscle, making Jisung keen, and then withdrew it. You took your time, giving your attention to all his sensitive parts, including taking his cock back into your mouth every now and then.  

You made everything so wet and slippery with your saliva that you hadn’t even opened the bottle of lube when you slipped your middle finger inside him. Jisung groaned in approval at the intrusion.

“Does that feel good, Sir?” you looked up to see his expression dark and aroused. 

“Fuck yes… another finger. Stretch me out baby…Quickly. Fuck, baby. You’re so dirty with your fingers up my ass?”

You smirked, and took his balls into your mouth while at the same inserted another finger. “Ahhh…yes… fuck me with your fingers. Such a good fucking girl.”

You continued to loosen him up, building up to three fingers, and fucking him with your digits until you felt yourself being jerked up by the leash. Jisung pulled over him so he could kiss you. Your fingers were still lodged inside of him while he invaded your mouth with his tongue and moaned against your teeth.

”Okay, baby.” He peeled his mouth away and looked up at you. “It’s time for you to show me what you can do with that cock of yours.” He reached down and tugged on it like it was an actual dick. “Okay, up.” He tapped you on the ass.

You felt your cheeks redden when you removed your fingers with a loud squelch and placed them inside your mouth sucking them clean. Jisung hummed in approval and stood from his chair pulling up with him. He was all over you in an instant. He held your body against his and you could feel the heat radiating from his dick as it pressed against your stomach beside your fake one. He kissed you long and deep, and it made your knees go weak. How after all this time with him you still swooned you didn’t know. But you loved the giddy feeling.

Your core ached for him, and all you wanted was for him to bend you over the desk and fuck you brutally. But instead it was Jisung who bent over the desk, exposing the two perfect orbs that were his ass, to the world outside the window. He rested himself on his elbows, curving his back and creating an alluring silhouette with his ass poking off the edge just enough to let his cock hang down between his legs and the edge of the desk.

“Get behind me. Baby, listen carefully. I need you to fuck me properly, do you understand?”

You took your place behind him, letting your hands roam over his ass cheeks. So tantalising. “Fuck, Sir. Your’e so perfect.” You adored Jisung with all your being. You stroked his back tenderly and then squeezed his ass cheek, even bending down and taking a gentle bite of the flesh. 

“Fuck, I didn’t say you could tease me.” hissed Jisung. You stood back up and slapped him on the ass. “Sorry Sir, you’re just too delectable” was your reply, and you took the dildo, your “cock”, at the base with one hand and with your other you poured a generous amount of lube onto the tip and smeared it all over the shaft. 

“Is this okay, Sir?” You inquired as you ran the tip between his cheeks back and forth over his quivering hole. 

“Fuck, yes.” He hissed and pushed back onto the dildo. You watched as the ring of muscle expanded and sucked the thick tip inside. You stayed completely still as Jisung let out a relieving groan. “More, baby. Give it all to me.”

You pushed this time, watching more of the toy slip inside. When he’d adjusted you pushed again with your eyes glued to where the massive dildo was lodged halfway in his ass. Yes, you’d fucked him with dildos before, and yes you’d fingered him too, but this simulation of you actually penetrating him as though this dildo was an actual appendage of yours, took this experience to a whole new level.

It looked obscene watching your hips push more and more of the dildo into your boyfriend’s ass, splitting him in two. You used your hands to knead the flesh of his cheeks, helping him relax and stretch, until you had bottomed out and his ass cheeks were flush against your pelvis. This position felt so intimate and you wondered if this was how it felt for Jisung when he fucked you from behind?

Jisung dropped his forehead to the desk between where his forearms rested and began to grind back on you, moaning low. It was mesmerising.

”Baby,” he puffed “It seems im doing all the work here. I thought I told you to fuck me?” he growled.

You snapped out of your trance and went to work. You grasped onto both his ass cheeks, spreading them wide to give you ultimate access, and pulled the dildo halfway out and then slowly pushed it back in to the hilt. You immediately withdrew again and pushed back deep inside. Jisung cried out on the impact. Your hands moved to hold onto his hips so that on the next thrust you could guide him back to meet your pelvis in a powerful smack. 

You knew what it felt like to get your holes fucked and you allowed yourself to imagine what this was feeling like for Jisung. It felt incredible having a cock stretch your holes open and drag against your inner walls. You knew how incredible it felt when your Jisung reached the deepest parts of your soul, or the way it felt when you were being used as nothing but a cock sleeve. 

All these thoughts had your cunt gushing and you picked up the pace, slamming yourself into Jisung over and over. The sound of his ass and balls slapping against you on each snap of your hips resonated throughout the room. His leaking cock repeatedly swang back and hit your thigh, leaving cum stuck to your skin. 

Jisung propped a leg up on the desk. “Fuck me harder, deeper. Show me how bad you want it. Show me how bad you wish you had a real cock.” He demanded.

This new position meant you could thrust even deeper and at an angle that was becoming impossibly too much for Jisung. He was starting to lose composure and his noises were becoming more like whimpers. He was losing the upper hand. He was losing control. You could tell he was so very close to cumming.

”Pull out. Baby. Stop for me.” He panted and started to stand up and push you off him. Part of you wanted to ignore him and push him back down flush against the table and pound into him until he exploded all over the floor, But you listened to your lover regardless. What if he was sore? 

Jisung turned around and cupped your cheek and ran his thumb along your lip. He looked at you with fucked out eyes and an expression that could kill. He must’ve been close and didn’t want it to be finished, you concluded.

“Now my sweet angel.” He tugged at your lip forcing it open and shoving his thumb inside. It took all your self control not to let your eyes roll back into your head.

”On your hands and knees.” You immediately dropped to the floor and Jisung held onto your leash. “Now follow me.” He instructed, leading you away from the desk towards the bed with you crawling behind him like an obedient dog. He picked you up and threw you on the bed, climbing on top of you immediately. 

“So fucking beautiful.” He said kissing your neck and fondling your tits. “Beautiful. So perfect.” He praised you as he made his way down to where the dildo was strapped to you. You thought maybe he was going to take it off. Maybe he was ready to fill you with his cock and come deep inside your pussy. Or maybe your ass? Maybe it was his turn to fuck your ass? Oh your body ached to be touched. Your cunt needed to be filled. You knew you’d be so fucking wet that he’d slide right on in with no resistance.

But Jisung didn’t remove the strap-on. He sunk his mouth over it instead. “Now who’s a cockslut.” You said. Jisung’s eyes sprang open and you knew you’d pushed his buttons. But you didn’t care. Sometimes this is how you two played.

He was on top of you again in a heartbeat, caging you in, staring into your eyes. “Takes one to know one.’ He replied and raised an eyebrow. Then a hand came to rest at your collar. Please choke me. You thought to yourself. 

“Cocksluts shouldn’t be bratty otherwise they might miss out on the thing they love most.” He teased. “I think the best thing I can do is demonstrate what’s expected of a good little cockslut.” 

He carefully removed your collar and to your surprise secured it around his own neck. Then he hovered over your dildo, grabbing it with one hand as he lowered himself down over the entire length, impaling himself on your fake cock. His eyes rolled back into his head as his body adjusted. It was the most exquisite thing you’d ever seen Jisung do. He leaned back and rested his hands behind him next to your legs and began to lift up and sink back down over the dildo. He built up the pace and intensity of the thrusts, eventually planting his feet down beside you and using his legs as leverage to really slide up and down and fuck himself incredibly hard. 

You could see absolutely everything from this angle. His thigh muscles working hard. The thick dildo appearing and disappearing into his ass. Heavy cum-filled balls bouncing up and down. His painfully engorged erection hitting his taut abs on every thrust. The way his stomach muscles contracted. His hardened nipples. The veins in his neck straining from under the collar. His tongue hanging from his mouth. His eyes squeezing tight in pleasure-pain. The beads of sweat dripping down his forehead. You could see all of this from your position on the bed underneath him. 

“I love you Jisung.” You couldn’t keep it contained. He just looked too beautiful.

He opened his eyes and smiled at you. “I love you too. Look what you’ve done to me, I’m so fucking close, baby.” He choked. 

You took that as your cue to grasp your fingers around his cock and start pumping it. 

“I’m gonna cum. Be a good girl and catch as much as you can, okay.” 

You aimed his cock towards you as he came, spurting ropes of come towards your open mouth. You tried to catch as much as you possibly could on your tongue, the rest landing across your face, chin and tits. 

Jisung lifted off the dildo and flopped on the bed to catch his breath, then he removed the collar and the strap-on and used the tip of the dildo to scoop us as much cum as he could from your chest and face. “Open up baby.” He whispered and pushed the dildo into your mouth. “Good baby. Good girl. Lick that clean now.” He encouraged. “That’s it.” He removed it from your mouth and tossed it to the side along with the collar and leash.

“Now let’s see how wet you are after this” he shuffled down between your legs and pried them open as far as they would go. “Dripping wet.” He observed. You barely had a moment to prepare when his face was buried between your legs, his tongue eagerly lapping at your neglected holes. You arched your back off the bed and cried out your Jisung’s name when he easily slipped three fingers into your cunt in one go. It only took half a dozen thrusts of his digits against your sweet spot, and a couple of suckles of your clit and you were exploding all over him. Everything had tensed up so tight, that when your release hit you you squirted all over his face.

“Yes… yes baby make a fucking mess for me. That’s my girl.” He praised and proceeded to lick up as much of your juices as possible.

You were both such a sticky, sweaty, fluid-covered mess, yet you both couldn’t stop kissing each other. Tongues were deep in each other’s mouths. Your bodies were still grinding together until Jisung found himself hard again.

He fucked you slow and deep, professing his love to you and coaxing another orgasm for your body while he came deep inside you. 

Eventually he ran a bath and carried you in where you both cleaned each other up, before playfully bickering about who was going to call room service to change the sheets.

If you enjoyed this story and want to read my short scenario where reader comes home to find Ji pleasuring himself with her dildo, you can find that here.

@channieandhisgoonsquad @kangnina @weareapackofstrays @queen-in-the-shadows @queenmea604 @newhope8 @minnieprincess77 @itshannjisung you have all been tagged in the original but would super appreciate if you like and share this one too.

[tea-and-tickles]

heyaaa it’s me again:3 you can choose whoever you’d like for the ler! (i’m the one who requested lee kasa HAHA)

*i crawl out of a flaming hole in the ground on my hands and knees. i am disheveled and holding charred pieces of paper held together with a paper clip* I FINISHED THE FIC

anon, tsukasa has never been my favorite character, but thank you so much for this request. it was a challenge to write a character that i was less familiar with and it was SO FUN! and also, fair warning... i got carried away. it's a 4k word fic. it is... honestly equally a ruikasa fic as it is a tickle fic. still! i worked really hard on this so i hope it was worth the wait! thank you SO MUCH for your patience as i worked on this!! have a lovely day! :D

"all the world's a stage (so show me how this story ends)"

a/n: i am posting this at 3:30 in the gddamn morning. i have a date at 11. i am going to bed now.

!! kink blogs please DNI. i do not fuck with ns.fw blogs interacting with me. if i see u i'm blocking on sight !!

Summary: Alternate Title: 4 times Rui tickled Tsukasa on accident + 1 time he did it on purpose.

After Rui tickles Tsukasa while Wonderlands x Showtime is prepping for a new show, Tsukasa can't seem to get him out of his head...

Warnings: Tickling.

Kamishiro Rui x Tenma Tsukasa from Project SEKAI (Hatsune Miku: Colorful Stage!)

Word Count: 4.3k

1

“Tsukasaaaa! This is so neat!” Emu bellowed. “I love how Prince Pegasus is all like, pchoo! Pow! Bop! at The Manticore!”

“You said this is a story you made up for your little sister?” Nene asked.

“Indeed!” Tsukasa proclaimed. Recently, Wonderlands x Showtime had toyed around with performing more completely original works at the Wonder Stage. Of course, their shows always had a personal touch (this was nearly impossible to avoid with Tsukasa’s flair for the dramatic, Rui’s inventive streak, and the sheer scope of Emu’s imagination. Tsukasa sometimes wondered how Nene did it). But they were always based on something. Cinderella but with robots. A theoretical continuation of Sleeping Beauty. King Midas with audience participation. Okay, that last one was a lie, if only because Rui couldn’t make a machine to magically transmute carbon to gold. But it was definitely on brand.

“Saki and I used to play dragons when we were little. But when she got sick, she wasn’t able to play the way she used to. She talked a lot about missing the adventures of Prince Pegasus, my character, so I wrote down new adventures to read to her when I visited her in the hospital!”

Tsukasa was, admittedly, a little apprehensive about performing this. The Chronicles of Prince Pegasus were fun, even enthralling, when it was just him and Saki. But what would his troupemates think? An audience? If he allowed himself to think much more about it, he might just back out.

“Obviously this is a rewritten version, adapted for the stage and adjusted to be even more harrowing!” The others were still reading. Tsukasa couldn’t stand the silence. “But! I would love to hear your thoughts!”

“It’s really interesting, Tsukasa,” Rui said. It was the first time he had spoken since they began reading the script. “I’d like to make a few tweaks to streamline the story and to give us some wiggle room for a bit more improvisation, but I really like the premise. A classic, yet exciting hero’s journey.”

The others nodded in agreement. Phew. This might go okay after all. No, of course it will! “Tweaks? To a star’s original fiction?! How could you, Rui?!” Tsukasa joked.

Rui gently elbowed Tsukasa in the ribs, to which he yelped and jumped almost a foot in the air. It didn’t quite startle him (after all, someone as brave as him wouldn’t crumble beneath such a light touch!), but it… tickled? “I know. I’m the worst,” Rui said. “Now, let’s discuss casting. I think…”

Huh… weird. Tsukasa hadn’t anticipated that such a light touch would make him react in such a way. And why was his face a bit warmer?

Surely it’s just the summer heat.

2

Tsukasa cursed the fact that he was 5’7. Not because he didn’t feel masculine enough or because it somehow took away from his dramatic breadth; rather that Rui put everything too damn high up for him to reach. He was thankful, really. When the troupe actually began production on this show a few weeks ago, Tsukasa found it so surreal. He’d starred in plays, sure, but he’d never written one that got performed! This was the opportunity of a lifetime! Still, how on Earth was he supposed to get into character if he didn’t have Prince Pegasus’ sword?! His cape?! After all, the sword was arguably the focal point of the showdown scene they’d be rehearsing today. Getting up to the blasted things might as well have been a show in and of itself. Tenma Tsukasa, desperately balancing on that treacherous swivel chair—in vain. Tenma Tsukasa, clawing his way up the mountain that was the shelves backstage—only to lose his grip. Tenma Tsukasa Found Dead in Phoenix Wonderland was hardly an appealing show title. This was clearly a losing battle.

“Hey, Rui? Can you give me a hand?”

There he came, his knight in shining sweatpants. “At your service.”

“Thank goodness! I can’t seem to reach the props we need for the next scene. Can you reach?”

Rui stared up at the top shelf where Prince Pegasus’ trusty sword and cape lay. He cocked his head to the left, then to the right. Incredulous. Tsukasa knew Rui was strategic to a fault, but this was excessive. “Hm. Now how did those get all the way up there?”

“You tell me! You’re the prop master!” How strange, he thought! Perhaps this was an exercise in dramatic irony?

Rui began to chew his knuckle. “I am, aren’t I?” Okay, maybe not. That nervous tick was something Rui only did when he was actually nervous—or confused. Think, Tsukasa. Think! There must be something to be done about this predicament! Rui was doing… something. Surveying the scene, perhaps? What more was there to survey? Ground, climb, props. Beginning, middle, end. “To be honest, I don’t know how I got those up there in the first place. I can’t even reach that high. Maybe someone else moved them?”

“Who? Robo-Nene?”

“Maybe.”

“Ugh. You’re impossible,” Tsukasa groaned (with a surprising undertone of affection, he realized). “Wait, what about the ladder? Where is it?”

Rui shook his head. “Emu gave it to one of the contractors for the new splash pad they’re working on in the kids’ area.”

“Great, so what do we do now?”

Rui went back to chewing on his knuckles. Interesting technique… Tsukasa wondered if it might help him think of something.

…mm, nope. No dice. His mouth kind of just tasted like salt now. 

“Oh, how about I lift you up?” Rui suggested. “The top shelf is about eight feet off the ground. I should be able to get you up high enough to reach.”

Tsukasa internally kicked himself for not thinking of that sooner. But of course, as the brave troupe leader he was, he had to inspire confidence in his dear director. “Aha! Brilliant plan, Rui! Yes, let’s conquer this conundrum once and for all!”

Rui chuckled. “That’s our star.” Those words made Tsukasa’s stomach flutter in a way that almost… pleasant? He decided he’d unpack that later. Rui carefully positioned himself behind Tsukasa, hovering his hands just over Tsukasa’s waist. “Okay, ready?”

“Ready!”

1, 2, and 3. Tsukasa was in the air… and suddenly fighting for his composure. Much to his chagrin, unlike the harnesses he’d used to fly in past shows, the sensation of Rui’s hands on his waist was incredibly ticklish. The fact that his fingers just wouldn’t stay still certainly didn’t help. What on Earth was this pattern? It all happened at once—his stomach fluttered. His core muscles tensed. His lips pursed in an absolutely desperate attempt to suppress a yelp. If he moved, he might give himself away. Curse my body for this betrayal!

“Tsukasa? Are you—”

“I’mfinehahathanks!!” Definitely not convincing. Still, there was time to save this. Tsukasa clambered for the props, and once they were safe in his hands, he landed safely on the ground, heart still pounding in his chest and blood rushing to his face. Turning completely away from Rui would be suspicious, but he had to cut his losses somehow.

“Th-Thanks for your help,” Tsukasa said, fastening the royal blue cape around his neck. Ah! Wait! He could pass it off with his costume! Tsukasa did a dramatic half-turn, the cape unceremoniously tangling behind him. Turns out the stale air of the shop was not exactly conducive to flowy capes.

“Of course,” Rui replied. Tsukasa imagined Rui grinning from ear-to-ear. Normally it came across as smug, but… part of him wanted to turn around, just to see if it looked different.

A beat. Neither moved and neither spoke.

“All right, want to start rehearsing the scene in fifteen?” Rui asked.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Rui made his way back onto the Wonder Stage. Something told Tsukasa that this would stay etched into his brain for the foreseeable future.

3

Rui.

Rui, Rui, Rui.

“Our star.”

There was a pit in Tsukasa’s stomach. It had been days since the prop incident, as he called it. He’d been thinking about Rui for much longer than he usually did. His sly, grinning face; his voice; his praise; his stupid jokes—and his hands on his waist. Tsukasa longed for Rui’s touch, and he longed for that touch in particular.

He didn’t get it.

Tsukasa had never had a real crush before. Wait—was it even a crush? Can one develop crushes that quickly? He was at least a little prepared for the butterflies and the racing thoughts. But tickling? Did people fantasize about their crushes tickling them? Was this normal? Then again, maybe it wasn’t actually about the tickling, right? No, surely he just wanted Rui’s attention. That made enough sense. But then again again, why was he so fixated on that moment in particular? Not all the other times Rui had touched him? Why was he so fixated on Rui’s fingers dancing across his skin? Of nails gliding across his stomach and hands lovingly squeezing his sides? Of gentle kisses to his cheeks? Of laughing without a care in the world as Rui showered him with compliment after compliment?

No one could ever know about this. Not the troupe, not Saki, not Toya, and especially not Rui. But Tsukasa was an actor. Surely he could put on a brave face.

…

Or not. Dress rehearsals were actually kind of a disaster. Sure, Prince Pegasus was victorious even without his sword, he rescued his sister, yadda yadda yadda. Tsukasa could go through the motions. But he kept finding his eyes drifting to Rui. And for the most part, Rui hadn’t noticed (thank God), until the final scene.

“Pegasus! Remember, you’re talking to your sister, not the audience!”

Damn it.

“Right! Sorry!”

So the scene dragged on. They ran through it twice. Then three times. Tsukasa’s mind was foggy with heat, frustration, and Rui. Rui’s attention. Rui watching him. Rui judging him. Rui’s disappointment in his lackluster performance. Rui’s disgust when he inevitably learned what Tsukasa had been thinking lately. The urge to cry pricked the corner of his eye.

“...and scene!” shouted Rui. “That was perfect.”

Reprieve. Tsukasa wasn’t absolutely convinced, but it would do for now.

…

Rui’s show notes went in one ear and out the other. There was no way for them not to. While Nene and Emu listened intently, Tsukasa just pondered whatever… that was. This was bad. Very, very bad. Tsukasa had struggled with roles before, but never for this reason. Never because he was so utterly enamored by a guy that he couldn’t focus. What did this mean for him? If he couldn’t surmount a little crush to play a simple fucking role, how could he possibly convey the hero’s journey? Tomorrow Prince Pegasus would appear just as pathetic as Tsukasa was. He needed to will this away, or at least shove it down long enough to—

“Tsukasa.”

Oh no.

“R-Rui! My friend! What can your star do for you?” Jesus, did he really just say that?

Rui frowned. Tsukasa drew in a sharp breath. He saw this coming from miles away, but his stomach churned all the same. “You seemed distracted today. That isn’t like you. I was worried, and… I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Exhale.

…that’s it? That’s all he had to say? In just ten seconds, Tsukasa had gone through all five stages of grief and prepared a (quite beautiful, he thought) monologue explaining his “poor” performance. But Rui, ever the wildcard, threw that plan out the window. Of course, any actor can handle a little improv! Right…?

“Oh, yes! I was just…” Think, Tsukasa. Think. “…uh, the heat! Yes, that’s it. I was simply dizzy with the summer heat!” If Rui’s expression was anything to go off of, that wasn’t very convincing at all. So much for improv.

Rui’s contorted face quickly softened to a concerned one. Absolutely none of this was going to plan. “Tsukasa, are you nervous?”

Of course I am, Rui. How can I be calm when your stupid, pretty face is right in front of me? How can I be calm when all I can think about is you ti—

No. But Rui saw right through him. Lying was absolutely not an option. He could, however, conjure a different motivation—it just had to be in character. “Maybe a little. It’s just… are you sure we’re ready to perform tomorrow? I know all of our characters came easily to us, especially mine, of course, but this might be our quickest turnaround yet!” …yeah! Something like that.

Rui seemed to contemplate this answer for a moment (or, at least, that was Tsukasa’s best guess. Rui’s facial expressions were not known for their readability.) He smiled, laying a hand on Tsukasa’s shoulder. “You know I would never put on a show that I didn’t think we could perform. As your director, I have the utmost confidence in you and the others.” Then, he lay his other hand on Tsukasa’s free shoulder, just as tenderly as the first. “And I know our star won’t let us down.”

This wasn’t out of the ordinary. Rui was usually sincere, but felt recontextualized. Tsukasa knew something about Rui, or maybe himself, that he didn’t before. Impulses took over, and before he knew it, Tsukasa found his face buried into the nape of Rui’s neck and his arms wrapped tightly around his body. This was so incredibly selfish. But then Rui’s arms found their way to Tsukasa’s back. It wasn’t as if the two had never hugged before, but it might as well have been. Rui had taken on a different role in Tsukasa’s mind: of an eccentric and colorful casanova.

His soliloquy was suddenly interrupted by the sensation of Rui’s fingertips stroking the length of his back. This was getting ridiculous—could he catch a break today?! Each new spot Rui touched set Tsukasa’s nerves ablaze. Rui’s nimble fingers traveled all the way down to the small of Tsukasa’s back, then slowly back up again, tracing his spine to the valley between his shoulder blades. The higher Rui went, the harder it was for Tsukasa to stifle the giggles bubbling up from his diaphragm. He prayed to God, the universe, anyone who might hear him, that this moment would last a little while longer. But, with one final squeeze, Rui let go. 

Tsukasa now prayed that golden hour would obscure the blush on his face. “Um—thanks for… that, Rui.”

Rui smiled (if he even stopped smiling in the first place?). “Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow.” And, in true cheesy-romance-movie fashion, Tsukasa stared as Rui disappeared beyond the sunlight-bathed horizon.

This wasn’t going away, was it?

4

Tsukasa loved the way the Wonder Stage transformed Rui him and his friends. He’d learned this term once, social facilitation, and that described it perfectly: the crowd was the extra push the troupe needed to be the best they could be. Somehow, all the fears he’d had from the previous day had washed away. Emu’s acting demonstrated a surprising level of depth. Nene found confidence on the stage she didn’t have elsewhere.

And Rui? The Wonder Stage brought him out in his purest form.

Rui had long since moved past his days of typecasting, especially with how well-received Thorpe was—but no one would dare say he was a bad typecaster. When Rui assigned himself a role, he played it well. Case in point, today’s villain, The Manticore. 

Suspense hung in the air as the audience watched Prince Pegasus approach The Manticore. “You,” Prince Pegasus snarled (so far, so good). He sauntered over to his nemesis, hand on his sword’s hilt. “You have a lot of nerve, kidnapping my sister and thinking I wouldn’t track you down.” This wasn’t going badly after all! Rui had no idea how right he was yesterday—that even if Tsukasa was plagued by this… preoccupation… he was still more than capable. It was all such a rush.

Rui chuckled. Or was it The Manticore? Really, they may have been one and the same. Like Rui, The Manticore was charming, cunning, eccentric, and a little bit too handsome for comfort. But no matter! Like any good story, the Prince would surely emerge victorious; he would defeat his nemesis with courage and wit alone.

And then it happened; something unscripted. Rui placed a finger beneath Tsukasa’s chin, tilting it upward. Tsukasa’s cheeks burned. And as if matters couldn’t get any worse, Rui’s finger then pivoted inward, mimicking a lion’s claw. It tickled. And it drove Tsukasa crazy. This, of all times?! Rui had to know. He was testing him. His resolve. His talent. Tsukasa’s composure teetered on that claw for entirely too long. 

“My Prince,” The Manticore (Rui???) cooed. “The choice is yours. The sword, or your sister.”

Tsukasa swallowed hard. But an actor can handle a little improv. Prince Pegasus bowed, offering his sword. “As you wish.”

+1

“Woooow!!!” Emu cheered. “That was so awesome! That must’ve been our biggest crowd yet!”

Nene nodded. “I could really feel the tension between Prince Pegasus and The Manticore. 

Tension was right. The amount of restraint it took not to kiss Rui then and there was kind of unbearable. But… Emu was right, too. It was an incredible show with an incredible turnout. So much so, in fact, that the four were already planning a rerun and new ways to make it even more incredible. (Emu and Rui’s idea of this was pyrotechnics. Tsukasa figured he could talk some sense into them another time). For now, they could ride the high of another successful show.

A few rides and a meal later, Emu and Nene began making their way home, leaving Tsukasa alone with Rui. This wasn’t unusual—the girls usually needed to get home a bit earlier—but something felt different. Not just Tsukasa’s little crush, that was hardly new. No, Rui seemed distant. Maybe a bit aloof. That pit in his stomach returned. After the stunt Rui pulled during the show, Tsukasa was convinced he had surely caught on to the thoughts plaguing his mind. And, seeing how Tsukasa just barely pushed through the scene, Rui had surely decided that Tsukasa was far too odd to be close to anymore.

…but that didn’t make sense. Rui was weird, sure. His directing methods were sometimes questionable and his inventions bordered on insane. But Rui wasn’t malicious. He was far too sincere to ever test Tsukasa like that. Plus! Rui hadn’t been distant this morning before the show!

And then it clicked. Tsukasa had made himself the villain in his own story! It wasn’t him, but his inner demons! Okay, that was probably a little heavy-handed for a tickle-crush on a boy. But his point stood! What a complex narrative!

Even with this realization, that pit remained. He wasn’t exactly certain, but there was only one way to find out. He had to know how the story would end, no matter how afraid he was. And so, putting on the bravest face he could muster, Tsukasa sauntered over to Rui.

“Hey, Rui.”

“Hmm?”

“What was… that? By the way?”

Rui chuckled. That damn chuckle. “Ah, did you like that little detail in the showdown scene? I thought a bit of improv would really add to—”

“—was it really just for the show?”

Rui’s face dropped. It was more satisfying that Tsukasa was willing to admit. “…what do you mean?”

“The way you tilted my chin,” Tsukasa said. “It was a brilliant choice! Very much in character! But… it felt like you.” If Tsukasa kept talking, he was certain his heart would burst out of his throat. “And… call me crazy, but I hope it wasn’t just for the show.”

The two stood, face-to-face, staring. Neither spoke. Neither moved. And for once, throughout this entire ordeal, Tsukasa saw Rui’s composure break. His hand covered his mouth, and his face turned a deep shade of crimson. Bashfulness looked good on him, Tsukasa thought. Rui’s piercing, yellow eyes met Tsukasa’s. It was familiar. It was the exact “cunning” way Rui had looked at him before.

Oh, wow.

“Tsukasa…” Rui mumbled. The corners of his lips quirked upward, and he laughed. Really laughed. An honest, breathless belly laugh that Tsukasa had never seen from him before. He was completely and utterly enamored by it. “I—I didn’t expect you to read me so candidly.” Rui stepped forward, taking Tsukasa’s trembling hands into his own. “You’re right. A small part of me hoped you’d notice.”

Tsukasa found himself laughing, too. “It took me longer than you know.”

This was comfortable. The both of them, equally shy and equally embarrassed. After all, if all the world was a stage, wasn’t there also a backstage? A green room? An honest moment between actors?

“Rui, can I kiss you?” Tsukasa spat the words out before he could even think about them. And, just as quickly, Rui leaned in, pressing his lips firmly against Tsukasa’s. It was awkward, and decidedly weirder than a stage kiss. But it was nice for the walls to come down. The masks were off. The audience was gone. There was only Tsukasa and Rui…

…and the familiar tickling sensation of Rui’s fingers along the contour of Tsukasa’s jaw. Tsukasa felt his lips part hopelessly into a big, goofy smile. “Wh–What are you doing?”

“Tickling you,” Rui answered. “You’re not the only perceptive one around here, my star.”

What was it called when the pit and the butterflies happened at the same time? Butterfly mosh pit?

“You noticed—AH!”

Rui’s fingers traveled down to Tsukasa’s neck, his nails dragging along either side. “Not at first, but I did notice that you never tried to stop me.” They darted wildly between the underside of his jaw and the crook of his collarbone, never staying in one place for too long. Even trying to trap Rui’s hand between his cheek and his shoulder didn’t work—his fingers could still wiggle away at his neck.

“YoHOU—! You jeheherk!!!” Tsukasa sputtered.

“Me? A jerk?” Rui feigned his best offended voice. “I thought you wanted me to do this!” Rui now had Tsukasa wrapped in his arms, trapping him between his wriggling fingers. This time, he pressed a little harder as he drilled his fingers ever-so-slightly into Tsukasa’s ribs. Tsukasa’s laugh shot up in pitch to an octave he didn’t know he could reach—and it grew even more frantic when Rui’s hands wandered to his sides instead. He couldn’t figure out what tickled more. Squeezing? Spidering? His brain was, frankly, too fuzzy to even think about it. 

“I—! D-Don’t—ahaha!!—dohon’t make me say it!”

“Say what? Say that you want me to tickle you?”

“You know what!!” 

“Do I? Surely I wouldn’t ask if I knew.” Heavens, Tsukasa wasn’t prepared for how much Rui would tease him. Each sentence seemed to be punctuated by even more tickles. No matter how Tsukasa squirmed or twisted, there was always another hand waiting for him, ready to poke at his side or claw under his arms. He could certainly say it was hell, but he’d surely be lying. The fact that Rui was giggling along with him somehow made the sensation even stronger. So, instead of trying to pull Rui’s hands away, Tsukasa simply opted to cover his own face. This seemingly only encouraged Rui to speed up. “Why are you hiding your face? Can’t I hear you giggle?”

“I—ehehe!! I’m embarrassed!”

Rui gasped. “Tsukasa? Embarrassed? What a fascinating turn of events!” Rui’s hands shot straight up to Tsukasa’s wrists as Rui just barely let his fingers graze Tsukasa’s forearms. His arms?! How was that even a spot that could be ticklish?!

Rui’s hands suddenly paused. It was quiet for a moment—much too quiet. The anticipation still wracked Tsukasa’s body. Though he didn’t quite understand why he was still twitching and giggling, he wasn’t exactly complaining. Still… he couldn’t possibly watch. As his hands rose to his eyes, Rui finally spoke.

“Hm… I wonder what happens if I—” Oh no. Tsukasa realized Rui’s were hovering over—

“DON’T YOU DARE—!” Too little, too late. Tsukasa shrieked as Rui’s fingers danced and scribbled all across his tummy.

“Oh! What an interesting discovery! I simply must know more about this spot…” At this point, Tsukasa had fully collapsed against Rui’s body. If not for being in Rui’s arms, he would have absolutely fallen to the ground. But, far too tired to fight back, Tsukasa couldn’t help but laugh away as Rui methodically mapped every bit of his torso. Knowing Rui, he’d have a nearly encyclopedic knowledge of his tickle spots after today.

And for once, Tsukasa really did feel like a star. Maybe not in the way a world-class Broadway actor would be, or a celebrity on the silver screen, but like the apple of Rui’s eye. Attention without performance felt so utterly foreign to Tsukasa—but he could get used to it, he thought.

Even as Rui lightened his touch and slowed his fingers, Tsukasa still found himself awfully ticklish at the moment. Even the slightest, unintentional movement of Rui’s hand sent him into another fit of giggles. Only after Rui removed his hands completely was Tsukasa able to really catch his breath. Though heaving, he gazed at Rui, who was wearing the dumbest grin he had ever seen. Had he not been so worn out, he would have laughed all over again. “I—I think you enjoyed doing that as much as I… um. You know.”

Rui chuckled. “I do know. As for whether I enjoyed it… open to audience interpretation,” he said with a wink.

Tsukasa sighed fondly. He gingerly took Rui’s hand in his. “Walk me home?”

“Of course, my star.”

[heybaetae]

gifmaker / cc wrapped 2023!

thanks for tagging me my angel @jkvjimin 💜

i tried really hard not to choose all comp sets, but those take the most effort and therefore are what i'm prouder of than a standard set, but regardless...

here are my top 10 fave creations of the year:

bts chapter 1 insta feed // this was an insanely taxing project and is probably the most work i've ever put into anything, but i was really inspired to do it. it took about a week (one day for each panel) and was repetitive, i literally threw out my back by day 3 from sitting working on it that my body was in SO MUCH PAIN, but i wanted to get everything right and make it make sense which is why i wrote up a detail post breaking it down and explaining every decision that went into this. i still intend to make this a series and do one dedicated to their japanese discography (i actually started on one before i published this but didn't like the concept) and for their solo work, but it doesn't feel like the right time yet as things continue to release. but i look forward to it!

cheesy bts valentine cards // this was purposely corny, but the response was unbelievable! i had fun working on it and was so happy it made people laugh and smile. the tags were a joy to read on this post and it's my fourth most popular gifset ever. thank you!

bts guide to troubled birds // yet another corny idea, but i get a kick out of making silly comps and was inspired to make this. i started with jimin's as an experiment because his poem was the easiest to choose and built the rest of it from there, carefully deciding which poem to apply to each member and recreating them from scratch. i love celebrating their chaos in fun ways, so this was nice!

jungkook's sensitive tear ducts // sometimes i get really random comp ideas and spontaneously start making something with no plan. this was one of those times and it is now my third most popular gifset since making this blog in 2020 lol. ofc i'd never gif him upset about anything serious, so i only chose moments that didn't feel inappropriate to include to keep this set lighthearted and humorous.

long live bts (10th anniversary set) // i always knew i wanted to make something with the lyrics of that song because every word of it reminds me of their story. the 10th anniversary was perfect since it literally says "it was the end of a decade". i wanted the set to just be really simple so i went with a more desaturated look and focused more on choosing a scene from each year that fit the lyric per that gif.

love me again mv // this was my first time bothering to gif a music video in 4k. i usually avoid it bc it slows my computer down and takes a lot longer (i also have to reconvert the youtube download to a different file type to get it to play in my kmplayer, it's a whole process) but i waited a few days after it came out because i originially didn't think i could color it when it premiered so i just didn't gif it. but i gave it a try anyway when i didn't feel so pressured and i really like how crisp they came out.

jungkook's bday set // i didn't have a plan for this when i started, but i searched a lot for inspo and finally found something i felt like i could make something with so i came up with this very barbie-esque rendition for jungkook that i'm still very fond of. i purposely didn't write happy birthday on it anywhere so it could be shared year-round. it's probably my fave set i made all year and everyone seemed to like it too!

jimin's bday set // this was originally just going to include songs from FACE, but i decided it didn't celebrate jimin's work as a whole if i didn't include all his solo songs/endeavors so it turned into a big monster. i like how it came out though!

standing next to you mv // this year i was introduced to HD master files, so instead of rushing to download a new mv from youtube and giffing it fast, i'd wait for a higher quality rip from apple music to show up online. the difference is quite astounding. i made gifs with master files for all three of jk's music videos this year (seven, 3D), but i like how this one turned out the best.

vmin comp // just felt like giffing my two favorite people before they left and needed to channel my sad emotions into something before seeing them seperate for so long. i included moments i've giffed before and ones i've never had the chance to gif. i could have made this post so much longer but forced myself to stop lol. i like the pink and blue colors in it a lot <3 i miss them so much

thank for all your support on my work this year! i have lots of (old) new stuff in my drafts to share in the new year so please keep your love coming x

i'm going to tag @userjiminie @userjungkook97 @btsiu and @cordiallyfuturedwight to do this if they'd like to!

[themandylion]

2022 Fic Round-Up

Happy New Year! In 2022, I wrote 29 new stories and 85,622 words*. Here’s all the stuff I wrote in 2022!

2019 Fic Round-Up | 2020 Fic Round-Up | 2021 Fic Round-Up

Teen Morphology - 16k, JayTim. Gotham Academy's newest student is smart, funny, hot—and also constantly lying through his teeth about who he is and where he comes from.

Renegades - 11k, JayTim. Sometimes, all it really takes to make the world a brighter place is a good handle on your anger management. A softer version of Tim's search for Bruce in Red Robin.

Deep Destinies - 864, JayTim. Two mers lying in the seagrass, talking about destiny.

Vigilante Life Cycle - 2k, gen. When Jason digs himself out of his grave, there's someone there to help him. Again. (Part 2 of Vigilante Life Cycle.)

There Are Many Advantages - 944, JayTim. A marine biologist consults with a terrestrial biologist. (Part 2 of MerMemes.)

Grey Ghosts - 2k, gen. "We guard those that guard our cities and the people in them. We find them when they die and prepare them to live again, as they so often do." (Part 1 of Vigilante Life Cycle.)

Sharks Are So Smooth - 696, JayTim. T’m is dispensing hot takes on sharks as learned from the internet. (Part 1 of MerMemes.)

Shifting Compromise - 3k, JayTim. Red Hood and Red Robin are trapped in a tricky situation with little to no hope of rescue on the horizon. Luckily, Red Robin has a hidden talent. Jason just wishes he didn't have to be so frickin' good at it. (Part 1 of Fuzzy Business.)

Tiim Travel - 3k, JayTim, Jason&Tim. Red Hood is in a safehouse only Red Robin is supposed to know about. Hard to believe the most logical explanation is time travel.

Unsafe Hobbies - 5k, JayTim. Tim discovers something in his old photos that sheds new light on a case from Jason's time as Robin.

Contraband Catch-All - 4k, JayTim. Officially, no one is supposed to work weekends. Unofficially, sometimes Storage has other ideas. (Part 4 of Earth and Alpf'ch'l.)

The Icing on the— - 1k, JayTim. It would seem that Tim took the Batmobile out for a bit of fun and failed to clean it before turning in for the night.

Shake Apart - 8k, JayTim. Robin keeps insisting on putting himself between Tim and danger. (Part 3 of Vigilante Life Cycle.)

Pull Together - 4k, gen. Jason does everything Robin needs to do—small acts of kindness mixed with great feats of heroism—as he slowly feels out this new role he's taken on. (Part 4 of Vigilante Life Cycle.)

In Danger of Overheating - 3k, DickTim. Dick is not sulking after being confronted with certain truths, and he is definitely handling the unexpected scantily clad catboy in his apartment in an adult manner. Really.

Deer - 238, original work. The language you're raised with heavily influences the way you perceive the world.

In Tandem, Now - 6k, gen. Getting Tim back proves infinitely harder than spiriting him out of the city was. (Part 5 of Vigilante Life Cycle.)

Fic or Treat - 100-word drabbles done for Halloween: - Lingering (Tim&Cass, and a ghost) - Unreasonable Request (200 words, part 6 of Fuzzy Business) - Haul (JayTim) - Rouge (Red Hood and a goon) - Shared (TimBer) - Tired (JayDami) - Moon (Part 2 of Fuzzy Business) - Sweater (Part 8 of Tales from the House of Mau) - Tradition (Follow up to Shine a Light) - Prudence (Follow up to Three Birds in Flight) - Turning (DickTim)

This Is Not a Hallmark Christmas Movie - 9k, JayTim. Jason makes a project out of DI’s CEO after Tim’s girlfriend dumps him for a Christmas-tree farmer. Not!fic.

*(Technically inaccurate because I also wrote an epic campire/not!fic with Kieran Granola in 2022, but we’re still futzing about editing it. >.> )

[thecrimsoncrow]

About zabrak

Okay, so I'm primarily a lurker on here. But I found out something interesting and I thought it'd be neat to share it with y'all.

So, I was doing some research for my final project about nightsisters for my Star Wars class (Yes, that is a real 3 credit course at my college) when I came across this channel. I know, it has 4k subs, and a lot of its videos range around the hundred. I didn't think this channel would be a good source. That was til I looked their archived interviews and recognized a few names of big Star Wars creators.

There's Dave Wolverton (The author of The Courtship of Princess Leia, the book which Dathomir and its witches debuted in. I actually used/referenced this in my essay), Daniel Wallace (Another big Star Wars author who wrote some essential guides), three separate interviews of John Jackson Miller (Author of the legends Kenobi book), they even got interviews with Sam Witwer and James Arnold Taylor. Forgive me for not recognizing the rest of the names, but there's just so many.

But what really got my attention was the interview with Ryder Windham, the author of The Wrath of Darth Maul, a book we Maul fans absolutely love. While I was listening, Windham said something interesting around the 23 minute mark:

" . . . someone decided that Darth Maul was a zabrak, and it was a word I made up. It has nothing - there's no history behind it beyond that . . "

This got me, honestly. The guy who wrote Maul's origin story also came up with the name of his near-human species?? Of course, because I was still iffy if this podcast was legit or not, I had to look for myself. There's not a whole lot, but I did find this article interview of Windham back 2012 about The Wrath of Darth Maul, and him coming up with zabrak was further explained:

"However, I did have an indirect impact on Maul's background. In 1998, Running Press hired me to write Star Wars: Episode I Who's Who, and for that book, Lucasfilm encouraged me to create names of species and homeworlds as well as brief biographies for various members of the Jedi Council and also the Podracers. I came up with the word Zabrak to describe Eeth Koth's species, and then another writer decided that the similarly horned-headed Darth Maul should also be a Zabrak. When I first heard a character say 'Zabrak' on The Clone Wars, I had to grin at that."

Again, this source is also weird because it's on a .net Star Wars fan site, and a lot of the punctuation is filled with questions marks rather than, you know, proper punctuation, but it's still interesting that two separate sources confirmed the same thing.

Y'all can ignore if you can't believe it; I don't blame you. Everything's linked if you wanna check them out yourself. But I thought I would share these findings because I don't think I've seen people talk about this in posts about The Wrath of Darth Maul.

[springofviolets]

I’m going to do a little midnight ramble here. I started writing fan fiction last Christmas and I find it so, so much harder than writing original fiction. You’ve got to take characters you didn’t invent and try to put them into situations that make sense for the background created by someone else and make them respond to those situations in a voice and with motivations you didn’t come up with. That’s fucking hard! The amount of mind-reading that takes? Yeesh!

So many great fan fic writers I’ve met think they’re like not good enough to write original fiction yet. Babes I think all of you are more than ready. If you’re building a world for these characters and telling a coherent story with them, you’re doing so much harder work than pulling characters out of your ass, deciding on your own what their personalities and motivations are, sticking them into any scenario in the universe, and being free to adjust them as you write because nobody met them before you came up with them. Seriously. If you’re one of these kinds of fan fic writers who’s wanted to write original fiction and think you’re not ready? Go fucking do it, you are.

I’m thinking about all this because I am trying to give myself grace as I attempt to wrap up an absolute slog of a piece of fan fiction that’ll come in at around 10k words. I’ve been working on it since late January, technically, and when I started writing fan fic I never thought that I would be this devoted to it. I thought I was going to use it as a sandbox to experiment with writing subject matter and techniques I didn’t want to test on the original fiction I attach my real name to. As it turns out, I really enjoyed telling stories about my favorite little guys, but I find the process absolutely grueling.

For this fic, I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent doing things like

Debating how much the trauma responses of occult beings would be like a human trauma response

Debating what sorts of fucked up attachment styles occult beings could/would develop as a result of their trauma

Trying to write quite a lot of consensual explicit sex (a thing I never wrote before December 25 2023) and make it clear that the characters are in love but have the sex be not sexy

Trying to balance several intended emotional strands throughout the story in a way that actually works and doesn’t result in them like canceling each other out or coming together in a story that feels completely disjointed

Trying to keep the writing from being overwrought. And also underwrought

Feeling like there are literally no possible arrangements of words that will hit the way I want them to for every single sentence in this story

Telling myself that this story is stupid and nobody will even want to read it (a thought I legitimately never had about any of my writing before this!)

Asking myself if I’m sunk cost fallacying the amount of time I’ve put into this story and I should just abandon it

Being really mad that some people are popping out like 4k words of fan fiction a week when I’ve spent two months writing less words than that and I’m pretty damn sure it’s nowhere near as good as what they popped out without even stopping to think long and hard about it, given the turnaround time

Thinking about how the more fan fiction I write the less excuse I have for why I’m so shit at this

So uh, I think I’m on the verge of being done editing part 2 of 3 of this thing before having it beta read. Assuming my beta readers don’t appear bored out of their ever-loving minds by it, I’ll finish it, though god knows how long that’ll ultimately take.

I do not regret getting into fan fiction writing, but boy is it driving me crazy.

[littlemisslipbalm]

Bottlerock - Part 2

Josh Kiszka x Fem!reader

Summary: After months apart, Josh makes good on a promise. Distance and communication are hard parts of relationships, can a tenacious journalist and the lead singer be enough for one another? Is love enough...

Heyyy so I'm finally here with an update for y'all! I am so excited for everyone to read this and I really hope you let me know what you think. This part is 19.6k but I already have another 4k written for part 3!! Enjoy and let me know what you think and reblog and all the good stuff...this fic feels like a child to me at this point, I've spent so much time with it.

Read Part 1 here!

Warnings: angsty! nothing too graphic I believe, some sammy drinking, (no weed use I believe this time or smoking of cigarettes surprisingly), SMUT (18+ as always)

-

18+ Warnings: unprotected sex, dom!male, sub!fem (mostly I think), soft/loving smut, degradation/dirty talk, mention of praise kink

Enjoy!

-

The last few weeks of term were almost like hell for Y/N. Thoughts of Josh plagued her mind relentlessly. So to remedy that, she threw herself into her schoolwork and her big piece. The big piece…about Josh. She forced herself to push off her feelings for Josh in order to finish the piece and get it into the paper. 

When Y/N pitched it to the Editor in Chief, she had been so ecstatic that a member of the major had gotten such a big inside scoop. She’d given her a week to write it and have edits completely done because the physical paper was going to print a week from then. 

So for one week, all Josh was, all he could be, in her mind was a subject. She balked at the recording of his voice from the original interview. Normally, she might listen to it so that she could write the words quickly and accurately but she relied on parsing the words from the flawed transcriber. She couldn’t bear to hear the smile in his voice as he spoke to her for the first time. 

She recounted every possible detail she could about him and wrote it down. Painstakingly creating visuals for the readers so that they could imagine that they were at the festival and speaking with him. Not in his tour bus, not in a lawn chair beside him, not at the winery, but at the barricade speaking with him. Maybe a sprinkle of the visuals of the festival when they spent Saturday together, but other than that no more than the interview. 

The sparkling jumpsuit, the sheen of sweat on his brow, his kind eyes and sweet smile. Scratch the sweet smile, maybe slightly gap-toothed smile was fine but sweet was putting her opinion on it. Same with kind eyes, but she hoped that could be forgiven. It mostly was just a fact. He was a kind man with kind brown eyes that made her want to melt. Fuck. Focus.

The story runs in print as the second long form story and is posted on the website as well. She posts it on her Instagram and plenty of people from her school and her family read it. Josh follows her on Instagram now and after he reads it, he messages her. It’s the first time he’s communicated with her since they parted ways in Napa almost three weeks prior. The tearful goodbye hadn’t really happened, but they’d certainly left on less than perfect terms. 

He texts her. She gulps at the message when his name pops up on her phone. She doesn’t have read receipts on so she clicks on it almost immediately.

“I loved the piece you wrote, I felt like I was back there. I hope you get the recognition you deserve even if it’s just a school paper, best outcomes and all. Your mind is incredible.” 

Her heart feels like it’s going to explode in her chest and stop working altogether simultaneously. Her lips are smiling as she forgets about the French work she was doing in order to study for her final that was at the end of this week. When she puts a hand to her mouth she realizes she’s smiling and drops it immediately. 

Her mind races with Josh’s message. Three sentences. Three sentences more of him than she had before. He bothered to read the piece and tell her his thoughts about it. He felt like he was in Napa again from it. What did that mean to him? Because she knew what it meant to her and it made her heart ache. She ached for the warmth of his skin against hers in his tour bus bed. For the tickle of his facial hair against her when they kissed. For their time together when she hadn’t been scared, but felt seen and appreciated. 

He harkened back to not one, but two of the things that had been so big in those three days. Best outcomes. They were still possible in Josh’s eyes. And her mind was still something he was attracted to. She shut her eyes at the thought. Three weeks of nothing, three weeks of pushing Josh away even though she had to think about him almost constantly. He was in the room with her for three weeks yet hundreds of miles away. Yet this was the first time he had spoken since Napa. 

Her fingers hovered above the keyboard, no clue what to say in response to that. Should she say a simple thank you or should she spill everything she wanted to tell him for the past three weeks? Tell him how hard it was to write the piece? How much she missed him. How much she wanted to be beside him. How she almost hated him for how he made her want him so badly that it distracted her from her work, her studies and the rest of her life. 

No. She imagined him sitting with his phone beside him doing something interesting or at least occupying. Working on music, practicing an instrument, reading a book, playing cards and drinking with Jake. Something. Anything. He wasn’t waiting at the phone for her, they’d started touring again last week. He had sent a nice message because he cared and she cared too so she should send a reasonable response. 

Her fingers began to type. 

“Thank you, Josh. I’m glad you think I did the interview justice. Hope your short break went well, you deserve it.” 

She reads through it three times before sending it, worrying over the use of his name. Was it too formal or too intimate? She couldn’t get a handle on what it was. Deciding to go with her gut, she left it in, sending it and putting her phone on the charger after she decided to shower. 

When she’s out, her phone has a new message but she leaves it, not prepared to worry over whether Josh’s response warranted a response on her end. 

Y/N doesn’t actually read the text until the next morning. But it’s not the first notification that pops up on her phone when she wakes up. Instead there are a flurry of text messages from various friends and hundreds of Instagram notifications. She had an influx of followers and comments since last night. One of the notifications caught her eye the most. 

“@GretaVanFleet tagged you on their story.”

The band’s account had reposted her school’s newspaper post about her interview with Josh and tagged her as well. She had new followers that were mainly fan accounts and comments on her posts asking how she had gotten the interview if she was just a student. 

She grimaced and closed Instagram, not particularly upset, just unsure what to do with that. Her messages app opened and she began to field the questions from her friends about her story getting posted on the band’s story and her getting tagged as well. Her answers varied based on how close she was with people. Eventually she got down to Josh’s text from last night. 

“Of course.” 

Followed by. 

“I asked if they’d post your story on the band’s socials. Hope that’s ok!” 

She shut her eyes and took a deep breath. On one hand, of course it was okay. It was more than okay. This was amazing for her potential career as a music journalist. Having the band repost the story was huge for that. On the other hand, it raised more questions about the interview and how she had gotten such an in depth look at the band. People were already confused how she’d gotten the quotes, now they were going to be shocked that the band cared enough to post about it. 

“Yep! All good. It’s very kind of you to do that, but why’d they tag my personal account?” 

She had to ask. It didn’t make any sense. Her name was on the byline so if anyone wondered who wrote it they could’ve found her easily without the tag. 

Josh’s response is almost instantaneous. 

“No clue! Looks like even more people get to read it now, though, and know you wrote it. Congratulations.” 

She sighs. Of course that’s what he said. The text bubble shows up under his last response and she wonders what he possibly could say next. She wonders if radio silence or communication like this was better for her heart with Josh. 

“A little birdie told me you’re going to be in Dublin when we are performing and that you perhaps already have tickets to the show?” 

A little birdie…Sam. Sam had gotten her number before they parted ways, originally, so that he could get Chloe’s number from Y/N. But after one week of texting with Chloe, Sam had gotten bored, according to himself, and now pestered Y/N whenever he felt like it. They were closer in age and it seemed to her that Sam liked the idea of college life and that he sometimes felt like he missed out on the whole experience. She assured him that it was not as glamorous as being a famous rockstar and he would assure her in return that being a rockstar had plenty of its own downsides. 

For that reason they texted every other day or so. So, Sam knew she had tickets to their Dublin concert but she had told him to not mention it to Josh. They had a strict rule of no talking about Josh when they texted so it’s clear that Sam had fucked up and accidentally told Josh and then refused to fess up to her about it. 

“Tell that bird that he can count his days to Dublin now.”

She can’t see the laugh that Josh sounds when he reads the text or Sam’s flushed face when he reads it aloud to him. She wonders whether they’re all together right now though and pushes it to the back of her mind. The thought makes her too sad, reminding her of the last time she was with all of them. After the winery, after the walk back to the car. Them parting ways…it was all too much. She continues her response to Josh.

Y/N: “Yeah, I’ll be there for about a month after school ends and I bought the tickets for the show last December.” 

Josh: “We should meet up while we’re there.” 

Y/N: “Sure, let me know when you’re free while you’re there bc I can imagine y’all will be far busier and there for a short amt of time.” 

Josh: “Sounds like a plan. See you soon, sunshine.”

She actually chokes on her own breathing this time. They had been texting rather normally. Cordially. And then he’d gone and stuck ‘sunshine’ in there. Sunshine. She wanted to scream. Instead, she threw her phone across the room and got ready to go on a walk. Her headphones were turned up to one below the loudest setting. She let Remi Wolf and any other music that wouldn’t remind her of Greta Van Fleet, or Josh at all, sing into her ears until her legs were starting to get tired and she turned around to walk home. 

Fucking sunshine. Why would he do that to her? 

She doesn’t text Sam for a few days. Ignoring his pestering texts about her weekend plans in her college town and how the bar scene was. She relented by Thursday and sent him a video of a band playing at one of the bars. She sent it with a follow-up text.

Y/N: “Better than the grotty Greta Van Fleet you’re in, snake.” 

Sammy (he’d insisted that his contact be that in her phone – “We’re just close like that.” She had rolled her eyes.): i thought i was a bird, sunshine?” 

Y/N: “Don’t. I hate you.” 

She didn’t but she wanted Sam to know it wasn’t cool that he had told Josh about Ireland. She didn’t know why she didn’t want Josh to know. She wanted to see him again, that was supposed to be their whole deal. But she still worried that it wouldn’t be the same and she’d just keep getting her heart broken. She didn’t want what Jake had said happened before to happen to her. She didn’t want to be hurt by Josh and then have Josh be hurt that he hurt her. It just sounded horrible and messy. 

She got it into her mind that staying away was for the best. She was planning on seeing the concert because she’d spent the money but she wasn’t going to mention it to Josh. Maybe by then she’d have wanted him so much that she surprised him but that was only a small possibility that was now off the table. 

Sammy: “c’mon Y/N, it’s finee. joshy is so excitd to see you and im sure ur excited to see him too.”

Y/N: “Learn to spell, please. Maybe you did need to go to college. Also Rule 1.”

Sam laugh reacts to her message which makes her smile. Maybe it would be nice to see the band again. 

Sammy: “fine, still wanna go guinness tasting in dublin tho???”

Y/N: “Obviously. Now go light some shit on fire or whatever you do with your free time in EUROPE. I need to free my hands up for drinks and dancing.”

Josh mainly stays off Y/N’s mind for the next week and a half. Finals, moving out and her first week in Ireland with her family kept her plenty busy. Sam was busy with touring and being a rockstar so their texting was more intermittent than when they were on break. 

The day before the Dublin concert, she received an email from Ticketmaster telling her that her General Admission tickets had been upgraded, one to VIP and one to Press All Access. VIP wasn’t even an option to buy so she didn’t exactly know what that meant, but as she scrolled through the email there was a personal message attached at the bottom. 

“Can’t wait to see you tomorrow! These passes will get you backstage, in front of the barricade and free drinks at any of the vendors. I’d love to meet your mom too if you want. Best outcomes. - Joshua Michael.” 

Her hand went to cover her mouth. Her jaw had dropped. He had upgraded their tickets and invited her to bring her mother with her backstage. It was settled. Josh wanted to see her. Her heart was beating so fast. It finally hit her. She was going to see Josh finally. In reality it had only been about a month but everything with Josh felt bigger than it actually was. Time took so long with and without him by her side. 

At the venue, she went up to the box office and showed them the tickets and the message she had gotten yesterday. They hand her two lanyards, one with VIP and one that said Press All Access. She smiled down at the press pass and thought about how intentional it was of Josh to provide her with that kind of pass. It was likely going to be the first of many. She gave the VIP to her mother who looked at her curiously, still not understanding what was going on between her daughter and the band they were seeing. 

“Why did he give us these tickets again?” Her mother prodded as they walked to get drinks right away. 

Y/N felt the need to be anything but sober right now and she had no way of getting high so getting drunk would have to suffice. “It was a thank you gift for how good I made him look in my piece. Plus, I’m kind of friends with him and his brother. We text occasionally.” 

The emphasis on ‘friends’ makes her mom back off and Y/N takes a large gulp of the tall IPA she had gotten from the vendor, leaving a tip since it had been free. 

“They might want me to go out with them tonight,” She adds, trying to figure out a way to tell her mom to be okay with it if she didn’t return to the hotel tonight…just in case. 

“So you might not come home?” Her mother finishes for her with an arched brow. 

“I don’t know,” She sighs exasperatedly, gesturing insignificantly towards nothing. “Maybe. I just want to be prepared for anything. This could be really good for my career… Networking and such.” 

“Sure, honey. Just text me when you know.” 

She nods and they walk to the front and get let in front of the barricade. The band isn’t supposed to go on for another 30 minutes so her mom and her chat while Y/N tries to push away the nerves in her stomach that are threatening to make her throw up. Her heart stops when she feels a tap on her shoulder. Thinking it’s Josh, she whips around, but a long-haired, bearded tall man stares at her with a grin on his face. 

“Sam!” She smiles. 

He pulls her into a hug, glad to see a now familiar face. Somehow the weeks of texting had brought them together, making Sam feel like a close friend that she hadn’t seen in a while. So different than how she had first experienced him, smug and a little bratty. She had kept his Queen shirt originally in spite and convenience but now it felt like it was a token to feel close to a friend. 

He says her name in response and pulls back with a friendly wink before turning to her mother and introducing himself. His lanky frame flops about in a casual manner that makes her want to laugh in comparison to her mother’s expression. Her mom was used to meeting celebrities from her husband’s old work, but this was different. Sam was a young rockstar on foreign soil chatting her up. He was effortlessly flirty and her mother was laughing, flushing with schoolgirl embarrassment as he showered her with compliments. 

Y/N laughed and smiled as the three of them talked about how the touring was going so far in Europe and how they had enjoyed their stay in Ireland for the last week. Sam has a security guard escort her mom to the bathroom backstage when she asks about one. Y/N thanks him and when they’re left alone she can’t help but ask about Josh. 

“You know how he is. One strand was out of place and now he’s been fixing his hair for the last 30 minutes,” Sam glances down at his phone and sees the time. “He probably can’t come down here before the show, I honestly should go finish getting ready, too. They’ll start sending out search parties for me if I don’t get back there…Kind of the “talent” as they say. Big deal and all.” 

She rolls her eyes at his grandstanding but she knows he’s just joking now. The first time she’d met him she thought he was serious, but Sam just found all the official-ness of the band silly. If it were up to him, it would be a much more chill experience, relaxed instead of commercialized. All he cared about taking seriously was the music and even with that he was so at home with the bass and the keys it didn’t feel official, it felt natural. 

He gave her one more hug and retreated backstage, waving to her mother as she returned from her escorted bathroom run. 

“Well, he was nice,” Her mom says with a raise of her eyebrows. 

“That’s Sam. Josh is the one I did the interview with.” 

“I know, but it’s nice that Sam came out to say ‘hi’ to you.” 

“Josh is busy getting ready to perform. He said to come backstage after the show.” 

Her mom nods and takes a sip of her drink. Y/N left her with a stagehand when she realized she needed another drink before the show started. Sam told them just to come backstage to get drinks from their rider since they usually had surplus. A PA points her in the direction of the food and drinks. As Sam’s rider would, there are two cases of White Claws. She takes two and an IPA that Jake probably asked for. 

“Stealing, are we?” A raspy voice that sounds chipper questions behind her. 

She spins around to find another Kiszka, but not Josh, once more. 

“Y/N? I didn’t even realize it was you!” Jake looks at her with wide eyes. He was already in his embroidered suit and shiny boots that he was going to perform in rather than whatever ratty clothes he’d normally be wearing, most likely those blue ripped up jeans and a button down with one poor button utilised. 

“Who did you think it was, then?” She tilts her head in curiosity.

Jake laughs and waves her off, not answering the question. She quirks an eyebrow at him. He could be so strange sometimes. He pulls her into a hug in a similar fashion as Sam did. 

“Good choice,” He nods at the IPA in her hand. 

“Sam said I could grab drinks from here.” She supplies and cracks the IPA, still not tipsy enough to not be anxious about being back here when Josh could walk up to her at any moment. She just wanted to get back to the front. 

“He was right to say that,” Jake nods. “It’s good to see you, again. I liked the article you wrote on Josh. You wrote him well. Didn’t sound like such an obnoxious ass.” 

She laughs and shakes her head. “He’s not.” 

“Most of the time, no.” He pauses, considering something and then deciding against it. “Well, I’m gonna go check with the techs about my Les Paul. Someone had misplaced its plug in and I might have to use a different electric tonight if they haven’t found it yet.” 

She nods and lets him leave before hurrying back to the front of the stage where she hands her mother one of the White Claws and sets the other beside her on the ground. 

The band comes out less than 10 minutes later. Danny first, then Sam, Jake and finally Josh. She’s struck with the memory of seeing them come out at Bottlerock. Before she really knew them. Before everything. They were just a band with music she loved. They were a project and now they were friends. And more. They were complicated. Far more complicated than she had originally thought. 

Their intro played and they played their first song of the night. 

Sam is the closest to them and despite how close to the stage they are, she still can’t hear what he says to Josh as they move around, getting settled on the stage. Whatever it is must make Josh look her way, though. His eyes scan in front of the barricade and see her standing with the same black jeans on and a red plaid corset top on. The smile on her face is bright as she looks back at him and he gives her a tiny nod of his head as he smiles back. He returns to looking out at the rest of the crowd, beginning the show. 

It was so inconsequential. That 30 seconds. Maybe it was less, but when he looks away she releases the breath that she had been holding. Almost unable to move with his gaze on her. Her mother refrains from commenting on the way her daughter had frozen up. 

Sam interacts with her and her mom a lot throughout the show, sending winks their way and tossing a flag their way after it had been thrown on stage. Y/N wraps the Irish flag around her shoulders as the night wears on and she starts to get a little colder. 

She moves her eyes around the stage trying to watch all of them perform. Jake’s talent at the guitar is always transfixing and she watches him lose himself in the music. Danny is a force to be reckoned with behind that drum kit. Sam moves with the bass, shutting his eyes and living for the music he makes. Josh is the hardest to watch but also the hardest to keep her eyes off of. He’s so close yet still so far away. She watches him lose himself in the music along with his band mates. Throwing his voice to the extremes and back. Smiling at the crowd and talking them in circles all while stealing glances at her that she pinkens at and then averts her eyes to look at someone else on the stage. 

About half way through the show, she opens up the second White Claw she had procured for herself and drinks about half of it before Sam is gesturing to her. His hand mimics holding a cup as he looks at her while Josh talks to the crowd. Sam waves his hand a little more and pouts his lips before holding the actual cup he had with him upside down, showing that it was empty. She laughs and nods at him to come closer and she walks to the edge of the stage. 

He bends his lanky figure down into a kneeling position, with his cup outstretched and she pours the remaining liquid into the golden plated copper cup. “Thanks, doll.” 

“Gotta reward the talent,” She smiles at him and he winks before clambering back to his feet. 

When she looks away from Sam she notices Josh is looking at their exchange and he smiles but it looks a little forced. She hopes the tightness is from his jaw getting tired from singing. The rest of the show finishes without a hitch, more winks from Sam and glances from Josh, but it all feels okay. 

She walks backstage after the band finishes the encore and she tells a PA her name and they take her to a green room where the band would come before leaving. She and her mother sit on a surprisingly clean couch, awaiting their arrival. The anxiety of seeing Josh up close creeps in again. She remembers his warmth that radiates from him, the smoothness of his skin, the gap in his teeth that she was so enamored with. 

But once again the moment is there before she is prepared. Josh walks into the room and he’s standing before her.

“I told you,” Josh says as the first thing he’s said to her in person in a month. “Only the best outcomes, sunshine.” He picks her up and spins her around in a circle. She pushes her head into his neck, a relaxing breath leaving her mouth and Josh grins. 

The embrace is long and tight and she can’t help how tight she holds him back, not caring about the sheen of sweat that transfers from his skin to hers. He smells clean still and a bit like the heady smell of expensive beer and vape juice. His jumpsuit is a deep crimson with shiny gems that press against her as she wants to stay attached to him forever. She never wanted to let him go but the thought that her mother was watching this made her pull away from the hug. 

“Mom, this is Josh. Josh, my mother,” she gestures at them respectively and her mom stands to shake Josh’s hand. 

Josh must think about his sweaty state and clasps her hand with both of his instead of going for a hug as he might normally. “It’s lovely to meet the mother of such a talented young woman. You must be tremendously proud.” 

“Of course. It was very nice of you to get us these special tickets. Your band is very talented.” Her mother responds with an air of caution. Josh is about the same height as Y/N’s mother and they look at each other curiously. 

She doesn’t quite understand, but Y/N pushes forward, not wanting to ponder on why her mom had liked Sam so much but not Josh. He was lovely. The literal sun in her eyes. Maybe that blinded her to him, but how would she know that? 

“Did you like the show?” Josh looks at Y/N to respond, a tilt of his head and a half smile on his face. 

She nods with a smile on her lips, the giddiness of being next to Josh again was hard to contain. “Loved it, of course. The crowd here was so different from Bottlerock.” 

Josh hummed as he thought about it and then nodded, “Yeah, I think you’re right. Different energy. I was worried, though, you weren’t dancing as much as last time.” 

Her mom shoots her a look since Y/N had said she hadn’t met them until after the show – which was true. 

She laughs with a shake of her head, “Yeah, well, I wasn’t front and center so it’s not like you could see me the whole time.” 

“Yeah, you were on Sam’s side this time.”

“I wanted to be off to the side so the fans in the front didn’t have to look around us.” 

Josh nods in understanding and then lights up with an idea. “Do you want to come get a drink with us after we’re all refreshed?” He turns to her mother, “You’re more than welcome to join us, as well.” 

As her mother is about to decline, Sam waltzes into the room, overhearing Josh’s question as he enters. “C’mon at least for the first round, Mrs. Y/LN. I promise they’re all on Josh and you can tell me what you thought about the show. Plus, I need someone to keep my company since Y/N originally promised to go Guinness tasting with me but now I doubt she’ll have time tomorrow.” 

Her mother laughs and Sam gives her a side hug which causes Y/N to wrinkle her nose in mild confusion. Her mom agrees to go for the first round and Josh watches his little brother interact so well with the mother of the woman he had been longing to see for the last month. 

After the first round, where Sam continued to woo Y/N’s mother, she bids her farewells and leaves her daughter with the band that was seemingly helping her to become the music journalist she wanted to be. Her mother also seemed to really trust Sam so she didn’t exactly have a problem leaving her daughter alone with all four of them anymore. 

Finally alone with the band, everything seems a little more relaxed. She wasn’t worried about Jake or Sam ratting her out about her more-than-friendship with Josh to her mother. Not that it wasn’t obvious to her mother, but she didn’t need to know explicitly what had gone down between the pair. 

Y/N finds herself tucked under Josh’s arm rather quickly and she rests her empty palm on his thigh. It starts out as a comfort thing, just a way to be close to him, but as more rounds happen, her hand slips higher and closer to his inner thigh. 

“I like this little onesie,” She whispers to Josh when Danny, Jake and Sam have gotten fascinated with another conversation that wasn’t of interest to her. 

He smirked down at her, tilting his head in the oh-so-familiar way she had missed. 

He was wearing a dark cream colored jumpsuit that was made out of soft fabric and had a triangle graphic on the right side of his chest in dark brown thread. It tied at his waist and was loose in most places besides his waist where the tie pulled and accentuated his groin. Her hand was just about to brush over it when Jake said his twin’s name, pulling them out of their little universe that wasn’t as private as they thought. 

“Next rounds on you,” Jake says with a tilt of his head and a shake of his glass. “I closed my tab last time,” he says with a smirk.

Josh grins widely, a little drunkenly even, and slides out of the booth with a silly wink towards her before walking away. Her side is now cold from where Josh’s body had just been hugging against her. Her hand falling to the worn vinyl beneath her instead of its place on the firm yet plush covered flesh of Josh’s thigh. She readjusted her position in the booth, crossing her legs over themselves.

Sam, to her left, engages with her about something she mentioned seeing in Ireland last week that he had wanted to go see while they were there but wouldn’t have the chance. She pulls her phone out to show him some of the pictures she took at the cliffs of Moher. They lean into one another to look at them in the dimly lit pub. 

Josh returns with a sloshing pitcher and she smiles, still giddy and excited by the prospect that Josh was here with her and everything was back to how it was. He had promised that they would see each other again and things would be okay and he had been right. There was a nagging voice inside of her reminding her of Jake’s words from the winery still. But she tried to push it off. She was content being with Josh when they were together and not being really with him when they were apart. It made the most sense anyways. Plus, it wasn’t like he was doing this with other people. It was just her. He wanted her, she just had to continue telling herself that. 

He slips into the booth and she indulges in pressing her head into his shoulder and looking up at him with fluttery eyelashes. 

“Hi, sunshine,” He greets softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead that is a little more wet than it probably should have been. She didn’t care, any touch from Josh was welcome, it all felt so right. 

Her hand returns to his thigh and his arm goes back around her shoulder comfortably. Another conversation picks up as Jake and Sam get sloshed, Danny slows down, realizing he was going to need to be in charge of getting the two of them back to their hotel rooms with Josh preoccupied with his journalist. 

As they’re getting ready to leave, her excited to have Josh pressed against her once more, she sends a text to her mother confirming that she won’t be coming back to their hotel for the night but not to worry because she was safe. Her fingers are a flurry over the keyboard before slipping it back into her pocket. Jake looks at her with Josh’s arms wrapped around her and tilts his head, a smirk on his face. 

“Getting ready to write a follow-up?” 

“I think I’ve had enough of the Greta Van Fleet interviews, for now.” She replies, not really understanding Jake’s jab or maybe it was an innuendo. She didn’t get it either way. 

He waves her off and stumbles a little, relying on Danny to continue standing still. She grimaced at Josh’s twin’s inebriated state and looked to Josh in concern. 

“He’s fine, sweet pea. Jakey just drinks himself under the table for fun sometimes.” 

She shrugs in agreement, but doesn’t love the sound of that. Her own drunken mind doesn’t stay focused on it for long, Josh’s warmth distracting her once more. She needed to feel him again. Ever since Napa, she’d felt empty. She needed Josh to fill that void both emotionally and physically. She needed him to cradle her now and then wreck her in his hotel room. It made her so happy to be his, happier than any other man had ever made her. 

After stumbling their way back to the hotel, the band parts ways. Sam and Danny give her hugs and nods of heads to Josh. Another wink from Sam, similar to the first time he had left them and they’d made out. Jake salutes them and tells them not to be too loud, this place was old and didn’t really have any soundproofing. The guys laugh and she feels herself flush. Danny drags Sam and Jake towards their rooms when Jake starts rambling about the wonders of soundproofing. 

In Josh’s room, the lights are off and they stay off as the two of them almost trip over one another. Josh locks the door behind them haphazardly with his lips crashing against hers. A moan leaving her lips immediately at the feel of him against her. She drops the jacket he had lent her earlier carelessly on the floor, preoccupied. 

“I’ve missed you so fuckin’ much,” He rasps and talks against her skin. His hands smoothing over her hair. “I hope you’re well rested, baby, because we’re not going to get much sleep tonight.” 

She laughs as Josh nods in complete seriousness. His hands roaming around her body, unable to get enough of the feel of her skin. He flicks on the bedside lamp and groans at the sight before him. She was barely undressed, just the first few snaps of the corset were undone exposing more of the tops of her breasts and the button of her jeans was open, but Josh couldn’t help himself. Seeing her lying back on his bed, already flushed with anticipation. He wanted her so badly. Had imagined this moment in various ways since they had parted. Fucked his hand as a sad replacement for her cunt, imagining it was her writhing beneath him, moaning his name and whimpering so beautifully. And now it was here. She was here in front of him, ready for it all. 

“I’ve missed you so much, Joshua. I didn’t let myself admit just how much until I saw you.” 

His eyes darken at the use of his full name. She remembered what it did to him to hear her say it. 

“I’m gonna make up for it, angel, promise. Gonna make the sweetest love to you, worship this body the way it deserves. Fuck you how you like so you make all those pretty sounds again.” He kisses over her skin as he talks, continuing to unhook her top and squeeze her covered breasts. “I dream about it every night. The way you said my name and came so hard around me. You’re so precious to me, fuck.” He loses his train of thought when she moans and arches up into his touch. 

“Too many clothes,” He mutters, unhooking the corset completely and moaning at the sight of her now naked breasts. 

She smirks at his expression, jaw slightly slack as he took in her naked form. She loved the way he looked at her, making her feel like she was perfect. She kisses him quick before shimmying her pants off and kicking them to the floor. Josh’s lips find themselves on one of her nipples, sucking it in and laving his tongue over it needily. Josh’s shirt and pants were gone in an instant or maybe he’d pulled his shirt off the minute they were at the bed. It was all happening so quickly she could barely keep up. Plus, she was mostly focused on Josh’s sweet, plump lips that had been smiling at her all night. His kiss was intoxicating and she never wanted to sober up. 

With his lips occupied around her tits, she was left to caress other parts of Josh. Her hands ran through his soft curly hair as he sucked on her, each nipple receiving quality time between his lips. He groaned at the heavy feel of them in his mouth. She arched her back further as he caressed her ribcage with his hands, his blunt fingernails scratching her ever so softly, and hers fell to his shoulders. His smooth, broad yet also petite shoulders. In the warm glow of the lamp, she could see the little freckles that littered them, invisible in photos, but inches away, clear as day. His shoulders were strong and taught as he held himself against her and she squeezed his upper arms, needing to feel every part of him. So soft, she wanted to never let him go. 

Eventually, she whines for Josh to move on from his showcase of love for her tits. As much as she enjoyed it, she needed him to focus elsewhere. Her clothed core was almost quivering with the lack of friction it had received so far. Josh was between her legs but mostly hovering his hips above hers, teasing her with his hard, covered cock occasionaly rubbing against her and keeping her from getting any friction by herself. 

He shimmied down with a knowing smirk on his lips. “Does something else need a little attention?” He looks up at her as his hands ghost over the fabric and she wishes she had just taken off her panties with her pants. Josh seemed to love to tease her. He presses his slender fingers firmly against her already pulsing clit and covered folds. “Your needy little cunt…Fuck, soaked again, angel. Were you wet at the bar tonight?” 

She bites her lip to suppress a whimper as he presses his hand harder against her, rubbing tight circles over her clothed clit, getting the fabric between their skin more and more drenched. Her hips buck unintentionally and Josh’s other hand moves to hold her right hip down as his right hand remained constant. 

“Answer the question, baby.”

“What question?” She asks breathily and Josh wonders if she really hadn’t heard him or was just playing coy. 

“Were you wet thinking about me fucking your cunt while we were sat at a table with my brothers?” He speaks slowly, expanding on his question as he pushes the wet almost uncomfortable fabric against her pussy. 

She tries to collect her thoughts and not think about anyone but Josh because he was all she wanted. She wanted him and she wanted him to give her what she needed. Relief. Ecstasy. 

One of her hands ran through his hair as he stared patiently, waiting for her response. 

“Got wet when I saw you come on stage in that red velvet jumpsuit. You look so sexy in that one. Fuck, please Josh…Joshua.” She adds his full name and she’s rewarded with him swiftly pulling down her panties and discarding them somewhere unbeknownst to her. 

Josh’s moan is almost a growl as he plunges one finger inside her slick folds. “Fucking gushing, just like last time.” He gets distracted by her arousal. She’s too enamored to ever feel embarrassed about it with Josh, he makes her feel so warm with his words. 

His hips grind against the bed and she whimpers at the thought that just fingering her is turning him on so much. 

“Thank you for telling the truth, angel. I think you deserve a reward.” He tilts his head as if it’s a question but his tone is clear that it’s not. He keeps his eyes on her as he lowers his face down and kitten-licks between her folds, bumping her clit. 

One of her hands flys to her mouth to muffle the guttural moan that almost escaped her, the memory of Jake telling them not to be too loud echoes in her mind. Why was Jake’s voice always in her head?

Josh spreads her folds with his hand that was pressing down her hips and sucks at her clit with more vigor. Her body starts to arch and constrict without much choice of her mind. He adds another finger to pump into her and his eyes are half-lidded as he watches her fall apart before him for the first time in a month. 

“Have you touched yourself thinking about this moment, angel?” Josh questions against her core, pumping his fingers languidly into her to prolong the pleasure as he curls them ever so slightly. “I have.” 

She moans out and bucks her hips once more, “Always think about you when I touch myself.” 

“Fuck, baby.” He rasps, almost in disbelief, but he knows it’s the truth. She’s so fucked out already, she seems incapable of lying. 

When her first orgasm hits, Josh removes his lips from her pussy with a gentle kiss to her clit and pumps her through the waves. “Just like that, baby. So pretty when you cum. Absolutely breathtaking,” He compliments. He crawls back up to kiss her lips and moves his hands to lift her legs up, bringing her knees up beside her chest. She moans just from that movement, with Josh’s core against her. 

“Are you ready to be fucked, angel?” 

And again she’s moaning just from her lover’s words because the way Josh says ‘fuck’ is possibly the best thing in the world. Even better when he rasps it right against the shell of her ear. 

“Please fuck me, Joshua. I’ve felt so fuckin’ empty without your cock.” 

He loved her voice and how it sounded so sexy yet simultaneously innocent when she asked him sweetly to fuck her. When she shared her secrets about missing his cock, that missed her so much in return. 

Josh’s eyes slip shut at her words and he nods his head, brushing his unruly curls against her forehead before placing a soft kiss there. “Let’s fuck,” He breathes her name and it feels more filthy than anything else he had said or any name he might’ve called her before. 

He lined up his cock immediately, wanting to please her immensely. They breathe and whimper together when Josh slips in and bottoms out completely after a few moments. 

“So full,” She says softly as Josh looks in her eyes again. 

“Feels so good, my cock fucking loves your cunt, baby.” He rasps, steeling himself for the drawback of his hips. 

Her pussy flutters around him at his words and he smirks down at her, knowing exactly why. His hips begin to slam into hers. The angle of her hips with her legs in the air allows for a lewd clapping sound to fill the room that spurs on both of them, but especially Josh.

“Taking me so well,” Josh grunts, slamming his hips hard yet measured. One of his hands comes down to tweak one of her nipples and she moans, open-mouthed as she stares at him. He licks into her mouth and she hums in happiness. 

“God, you’re just so fucking hot, baby. I wanna fuck you forever. Perfect cunt, so wet, so soft, so tight. Holding the secrets of the world right inside that pussy.” 

“Josh,” She moans with a bit of a laugh and he thinks she’s close, feeling her tightening around his shaft. 

“Cum if you want,” He breathes. “I’ll happily make you cum again.”

“No,” She manages, putting her feet against the mattress. 

Josh slows his movements in confusion. 

“I wanna ride you, Josh. Wanna cum on top.” 

Josh’s eyes widen and she feels electric with the look of wonder he’s giving her. “Of course, angel. Whatever you want.” 

He slips out of her and positions himself at the top of the bed, opening his legs a little and waiting for her to climb on top of him. She kisses up his warm, heaving, slightly sweaty chest as she moves her legs to the outside of his hips. 

Her hands push back his hair and run through it as she rubs her pussy against his shaft. Josh shivers at the connection, knowing he needed to release soon. Her back arches as she writhes and kisses him. He lets her do what she wants as his hands trail up her thighs and squeeze at her ass. They travel up her hips and her back, following the arch of her spine and go to the front. 

“C’mon now,” He speaks with a tilt of his head. “Stop teasing.” 

She smiles at him and kisses his lips before moving along to his jaw. “I just like touching you, Joshua. Can’t get enough, I get distracted.” 

His hands roam back down to her ass and squeeze and knead the soft flesh there and she moans against him. One hand snakes down between them to finally slip Josh’s cock back in. He sighs in relief and instant arousal now that his cock is back inside its heavenly home. She grinds experimentally as Josh’s hands give her an eager guide. She follows the push and begins to bounce down on him, making her arch her back further in pleasure. This presents her tits directly to Josh’s eyes and he takes the opportunity to have them back in his mouth. She moans out at the warm wetness of Josh’s lips and tongue against her skin. And he hums happily at her response. 

“It’s a privilege to be fucked by you, angel,” He breathes wetly against her skin. “Experience of a lifetime.” 

Her hips bounce faster at his words, almost shocked by his admission, and Josh can’t help but slap the cheeks between his hands to aid her towards her finish. 

He releases the nipple that had been being lovingly sucked in his mouth in order to encourage her to finish around him. 

“Are you gonna cum, angel? Will you let me feel all your sweet juices release around my cock?” 

She nods her head, saying breathlessly, “Of course.” 

“Then cum, want you to cum right now for me. Because I’m about to explode, your pussy’s so good to me, I can’t take it.” 

“You can cum in me, Joshua,” She reassures, smoothing her hands over his chest as she begins to bounce down harder on his cock, the first waves of her orgasm beginning to rise within her. 

“Wha- are you sure, Y/N?” Josh asks, almost losing composure. 

“Yeah, baby, I want you to cum in me.” Her head touching the top of his. “Wanna feel your cock inside me when you cum.” 

“Fuck,” Josh rasps, his head falling into her chest. His ropes of cum almost immediately spurting inside her walls. 

She works him through his orgasm, forgetting momentarily about her own to bounce more steadily around his cock. The throbbing of him inside of her was making her clench harder around him and her fingers dug into his shoulders harder in an attempt to stay concentrated. Josh’s chest was heaving as he came back to Earth, his cock beginning to feel overstimulated inside her cunt. 

When he pulls his head back from her damp chest and looks in her eyes, she slows and moves to pull off of him. Josh’s hands on her hips keep her from slipping him out of her. 

“Josh, no, you’re almost shivering with how sensitive you are,” She pets his right cheek, bright and flushed from the exertion. 

“Just give me a minute, you’re one hell of a motivator.” He rasps, still sounding fucked out from his orgasm minutes prior but he tries for a smile on his face. “That was so fuckin’ hot, baby.” His lips capture hers in another searing kiss, but she can feel his exhaustion seeping through. 

“It’s okay, Josh, I’m good. I’m content with stopping. I just want you to hold me and we can kiss a little.”

Josh nods but seems saddened when he should be happy, elated even. “But I wanted to make you cum again.”

She smiles at his adamance but removes herself from his body to go clean herself up. The lost orgasm was there inside of her and Josh’s tone didn’t make her want him any less, but it wasn’t going to be his dick that got her off – at least not right now. 

“You can,” She calls from the bathroom, “Just maybe give your dick a breather, old man.”

“Hey,” Josh says and he’s closer than she realized, thinking he was waiting in the bed for her. 

He’s behind her in the reflection of the mirror in an instant. His lips trail along her neck as she looks up from the sink, her hands falling away from the faucet. 

“I am not that old,” He breathes against her and she feels frozen. He connects his lips against the skin of her shoulder tenderly and she sighs. His hands came up to hold the sides of her arms, keeping her in place and holding her up as his warmth encases her. 

“Josh,” She responds in a broken voice. He felt so good, she wanted him to make her cum so badly. It was euphoric to fall apart for him and to see him want it so badly. “I need you…your fingers or something. Can you do that for me?” 

“Yeah, baby. I’m back on Earth and truly all I want is to see you orgasm beneath me. It’s magnificent. Your body is a wonder.” His lips continue ghosting over her skin as he trails his hands down her arms and onto her stomach, twirling around her sides and hips, her thighs, her cunt. 

Her breathing getting heavier again, she feels his touch and the strength of his body behind her, supporting her as he cages her between himself and the counter top. A flick of his expert fingers causes Josh to swipe through her still wet folds. She whimpers, sensitive and ready for him. 

Josh pauses and uses his free hand to push them further together, it feels so safe and comforting yet so hot and filthy, her head falls onto his shoulder. 

“Perhaps back to bed, hmm?” Josh questions with a press of his fingers on her sternum and a nibble at the shell of her ear. She nods meekly and lets him guide her back. 

He guides her to lay on her back, pillows propping her back so she can still see Josh without having to strain. His hands gently bring her knees to bend and then spread them slowly, agonizingly showing herself to him. The sound that emits from Josh’s throat could be categorized as a growl as he is so enamored with her body warm and weeping for his touch. 

His deep brown eyes flicker up to her face with a seriousness she can’t place. An intense passion she was unconsciously unaware of. They bore into her soul as he speaks, his hands still rubbing against the skin of her inner thighs, making her wriggle. 

“I’m gonna make you feel so good, angel. You don’t have to ask to cum, just take your pleasure. I want you to let go whenever you want, don’t hold back. Please.” 

His voice is deep and she moans just at his words. She knew Josh was a giver but this was too good. It was so good it was almost painful that she would have to go without it for an unknown period of time after this. Almost too painful, but she focused on Josh here and now. 

He starts with his fingers again, gently massaging around her clit and her entrance that was sufficiently wet and open from Josh’s dick earlier. She moans and writhes with his movements, telling him how good he was with his fingers until something wet and warm makes contact with her clit making her gasp louder than before. Her eyes had been closed so she had missed when Josh had dipped his head down and decided to lick her cunt again. The sight in front of her made her moan, the mess of curls atop Josh’s head that bobbed as he moved his tongue around her cunt. Licking and sucking at her nub and twirling around her entrance with a ferocity she had never experienced before. Josh was intent upon her pleasure with his tongue. An expert tongue at that. The way it moved was reminiscent of his singing, the way he opened up his mouth and let his tongue come to the front, moving about as he sang incredible notes. 

He hummed against her flesh which sent vibrations through her, drawing her closer to her orgasm that kept building and building, promising to be earthshaking. 

“Feels so good, Josh,” She feels herself lose control of her words as the waves of pleasure overtake her. “Never want it to end. Love having you between my legs.” 

Her words push Josh to work her further through the waves of orgasm that begin rippling through her. Her words turn to whimpers as her body writhes against the bed and he uses a free arm to splay across her hips and hold her down. 

When she comes down with a few extra pumps to her core from Josh’s fingers and a final kiss to her clit, he smiles down at her. “Fucking beautiful,” He breathes her name and she smiles shyly at the intimacy of hearing her name on his lips. The lips that had just brought her to euphoria. 

He kisses her sweaty forehead once with a caress of her cheek before retreating to the bathroom to clean her up more. A warm wet cloth is passed over her forehead and then her chest and then between her legs. Josh works gently, kissing her heated skin and rubbing fingertips along it. His caress is so sweet, if she weren’t so blissfully content she might have cried. She wanted this to be her life. To be with Josh and have him care for her after he makes love to her. Every day. Because what was that if not love that they had just made in his bed. It had been hot sure, but once Josh had cum he made sure to attend to her body with the utmost care, pre and post her orgasm. 

The thoughts barely crossed her conscious mind as she was too wrapped up in the reality of Josh right in front of her. His soft rosy cheeks that lifted when he smiled at her and the smooth warm expanse of his chest that he offered as a pillow for her head when he returned to the bed. The content smile on his lips was exquisite, her fingertips reaching up to dance over their pinkness with familiarity. He puckered them to press a soft kiss to her pointer finger and she giggled. 

“Can I play with your hair?” She inquires with a quick look up at Josh’s face above hers. His eyes flicker down to her from their focus on the ceiling. 

“Of course. Whatever you want, sunshine.” 

She nods her head and nestles it against his chest again before blindly tracing up his face to find his scalp. His hair was feathery soft and curled to perfection. Her fingers loosely meandered around them. Josh’s hands hold her body close to his, one hand on her waist, the other between her shoulder blades. Their legs intertwined together. Their naked bodies innocently pressed together with a single blanket near their hips. 

Josh’s eyes slip shut at her caress and he doesn’t mind the silence. A secret comfort of his he didn’t seem to indulge in too much. Silence. Silence with Y/N wasn’t overwhelming or indulgent, it felt peaceful.

“This might be too much,” She speaks, breaking the silence as her hand trails back down Josh’s face and down his neck, across his collarbone, finding rest at his shoulder. Her voice is a hair above a whisper as she says her next words, face still against his chest, her eyes mapping across the room. “But…I think I love you, Josh.” 

“I love you, too,” Josh replies easily, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

Her head flicks up and squeezes his shoulder, imploring him to open his eyes and look at her. Her eyes are wide and questioning at his words. “More than how you love other people?” 

“In a different way than how I love other people.” Josh confirms. 

“Like in love?” 

“What is ‘in’ love?” He questions, his voice still calm and at ease, not feeling the need to flee from this conversation with her. “I love being with you, I love your mind, how it works, how you interact with the world. When I see you, I light up. I am happy with you. I love you.” 

It’s so simple to him. She tilts her head in confusion. 

“I don’t like when people say ‘in’ love, like it’s a state you can get out of, that people can fall from. The way I love you, I’m never going to be able to get out of that. Does that make sense?” He continues.  

She nods her head and pushes herself up to kiss his lips softly. Her breath is soft yet heavy as she presses against him for a moment before resting her forehead against his. Their eyes meet. Josh’s wide and earnest as she looks in them. 

“I don’t think it’s a state I’ll ever be able to get out of either. I’m in constant wonder when I’m with you.” She shuts her eyes for a moment. “I wanted to tell you I loved you when you were about to make me cum, but I was worried I’d make it weird, but I knew I had to say something since you’re leaving tomorrow.”

Josh’s hand leaves her waist to caress her cheek now, the back of his hand a gentle reminder of everything that had transpired between them in the last few hours. She smiled, albeit a little sullenly. The moment was bittersweet. She didn’t want it to end and neither did Josh, he was just a little better at being optimistic than she was. It was getting harder, though. Each goodbye was clearly always going to be harder than the last. 

“It wouldn’t have made it weird,” He chuckles and kisses the tip of her nose. “Thank you for telling me. I don’t know if I’d have had the courage to say it otherwise.” 

She awwed and continued to see this sweeter, quieter Josh that she loved just as much as the initial confident and flirtatious Josh that had trounced off stage at Bottlerock. It had been there, just below the surface when he had given her the chance to speak but he was revealing more and more of himself to her as time went on, which she loved and appreciated. 

“We can spend a half day together tomorrow, before our flight. Sammy was right, we have a bit of time.” 

“Okay,” She nods and moves back to her position with her head against his chest. “I love you.” 

“I love you.” Josh holds her close. 

She felt giddy that she could just those three words and know it was reciprocated. Being with Josh, just the two of them, it was perfect. It was magnificent and she was content. It was almost incomprehensible how happy she was to be in his arms, she never wanted it to end…

-

They go to a museum the next day. Josh was eager to soak in the Irish culture, apparently. The rest of the band said the same but said that going to a Guiness tasting seemed like a better way to do so. Josh rolled his eyes at his brothers and hugged Y/N tighter before leading them off to walk to her hotel and then the museum that were both close by. 

The half of day transpires how it should. Josh laughs at Y/N’s jokes and she, in turn, laughs at just about everything Josh does. He regales her with his travels that have occurred since they’d last seen each other – South America and Europe. 

She watches him move through life and tries to commit every part of it to memory. He pulls her along into the museum and up to various paintings he finds fascinating. 

She has a film camera that she produces and takes a few pictures of him being entranced by the world. Last time, in Napa, she had refrained since it had felt so new. Now it felt steady, constant, safe to do the things she might normally with a friend or somebody whom she loved. 

He notices it after the second picture she takes and he grins, insisting that they have someone take a picture of them together. She tries to tell him it’s alright, but Josh is already walking up to a random passerby and imploring them to take a picture of the pair. His unique American midwestern accent is jarring to the other museum goer but Josh’s personality in this situation is so exuberant they have a hard time keeping a smile from their face and immediately agreeing. 

Y/N blushes and tries to still shake her head at Josh, but he shrugs at her and whispers a ‘c’mon’ with an accompanying hand gesture. He hugs her close and she smiles at the proximity as well as the now familiar scent that was Josh, maybe a little less weed than last time. Just as the stranger signals they’re about to take the picture, Josh does something rather uncharacteristic of himself, in her opinion, and instead of smiling goes to kiss her cheek. 

She had felt the movement and turned to look at him with confusion, causing his lips to catch the edge of her own and a surprised look to raise on her face. The shutter of the camera and the film advancing sounded a few feet in front of them. Josh’s lips stayed attached to her face and they spread into a smile against her. She laughed at the sheer oddity and pulled away after giving him a quick peck on his lips.

She took charge and thanked the stranger, taking her camera back from them. When she turns back around, Josh is grinning at her with wild eyes and she shakes her head in amusement once more. 

“What was that?” She asks, but it’s loving and not at all upset by his antics. 

He takes her into his arms, wrapping them around her shoulders and tucks his head to her shoulder, “Just couldn’t help myself. Looked over and saw how beautiful you looked with that big ol’ smile on your face.” 

She smiled and wrapped her arms around Josh’s slender waist, tugging him tighter against her. That comment right there was enough to make her never want to let him go. 

The hours flew by as they laughed and talked together, going to a pub for some lunch before she walked with Josh back to the band’s hotel. They’d dragged it out as long as possible. It had to end. She had to let go, there was a plane waiting for him. There were fans and stadiums and roses and memories that all didn’t…couldn’t involve her, waiting for Josh when he walked away from her. 

When Josh walked into the foyer with his suitcase – he had insisted she stay down there rather than in his room because he said he wouldn’t be able to control himself with her and a bed in such close vicinity, she had laughed but been slightly dismayed – she tried to will away the tears that were beginning to form behind her eyes. 

Josh was in a different darker brown onesie with matching vans. She didn’t have the heart to tell him she kind of hated high top vans, it didn’t matter with Josh. The rest of the band was already in their car, a manager was waiting impatiently next to her, tapping their foot and checking their watch. Josh had really really cut it close. 

“Until next time, Sunshine?” Josh asks with a quirk of his head, a smile trying and failing to take residence on his face. 

She rolled her lips into her mouth, flattening them into a straight line, and looked up to the ceiling. She could barely look at him anymore, she had had half a mind to just run before he had come back down, but she had stayed. God, she wished she hadn’t. This was so hard. Too fucking hard. Best outcomes meant they’d see each other again, but when? When would she see him again?

Josh’s hand on her shoulder brought her eyes back to his face. His honey brown eyes wide and expectant as he awaited her answer. 

She sighed and managed a watery smile, “Yeah, of course. Best outcomes.” 

“That’s my girl,” He smiles and leans in to kiss her lips. The passion is there behind the sadness. His lips on hers are insistent, trying to communicate his care for her and she feels it, grasping the fabric on the front of his outfit, pulling him as close to her as possible. 

A gruff cough pulls them away from each other and she tries to sneakily wipe a stray, pesky tear from her eye before anyone else can see. 

Josh nods to his manager and then gives Y/N one last quick hug with a murmured “I love you” in her ear. 

She smiles when he pulls away and her voice won’t come out louder than a hoarse whisper, “I love you, Josh.” 

She lets him walk out of the hotel and she sits down on a couch in the waiting area giving it a solid 10 minutes before she gets the strength to walk out of the lobby. The car is gone, thankfully. Her hands tremble just at the sight of the street, who knows what might have happened if they hadn’t pulled away yet. 

As she walked home, she tried not to feel so sad about the whole situation. It wasn’t an ending, it was to be continued. Josh loved her. She loved him. They’d be okay. She felt more sure of it this time. 

The next few months go by in a whirlwind. Y/N returns to the United States, spends a month at home and then packs up for her study abroad in France. 

She tries to not think about Josh or dwell on the thoughts of his face and his warmth and his kindness…She finds herself getting caught on thoughts of him more often than not and it makes her so anxious to think about where he is or what he’s doing that it’s a struggle to focus on anything else. She listens to a playlist she made with Josh in mind on loop. It’s filled with John Denver, mostly, and she tears up to his beautiful voice, hoping and wishing that Josh might happen to be listening to the same songs.

They’ve kept in touch more since Ireland, but Josh is busy and terrible with keeping his phone on him, let alone using it properly. If it were any other man, she probably would’ve broken it off by now because of the issues with communication but she knew he was actually trying. The excuse of being busy wasn’t usually a good one in her book, but with Josh, she knew he was actually busy and not just blowing her off. He was seeing the world, making memories, living a dream life. She didn’t want to hold him back from that life just as she wouldn’t want the same thing to happen to her, so she never held it against him when a text wasn’t responded to instantly or whatever. 

Josh also liked to call on the phone, rather than text, which she honestly appreciated. She loved hearing his voice, his strange accent that was just to the left of truly midwestern. He’d mumble about things he missed about her and grumble about the various things that were disturbing him of late – she could listen to him talk about whatever he wanted for hours on end if either of them had the time. She shares her plans and he lights up at the thought of her being abroad in the Fall  – especially France, a country he and the band had adored while touring in the summer. 

They weren’t really dating, if she was honest. When they talked over the phone, it felt more just like they were friends. Neither of them had said ‘I love you’ since Ireland and she tried not to feel saddened by that. It made sense and she just needed to be confident that Josh’s feelings hadn’t changed since they’d been apart. 

She and Josh agreed that they wouldn’t be in contact for her first month in Paris. She had told him that she needed to get settled and try to make friends in the city and her new school. He had agreed to give her the space she needed. Their friendship/relationship felt rather adult in her mind. She communicated her needs and Josh respected them. Granted he was now an ocean away, so giving her space wasn’t necessarily hard. Still, at the beginning of the month, she fell asleep and woke up thinking about Josh and wishing she could really call him hers. As it went on, she didn’t realize, but some of those thoughts became less constant. 

Her and Sam kept in touch even more than her and Josh, which she chalked up to him being better with his phone. A fact she thought was incredibly funny since he always espoused how much he despised cell phones, more than any of his brothers. What she didn’t know or couldn’t have realized was how Josh might have felt about her still talking to Sam during her first month in Paris when she told him she couldn’t talk with him. 

-

On a slightly rainy day in Paris, about a week before Halloween, she heard the buzzer for her apartment. She thought that maybe Allie, her roommate, had forgotten her key when she had gone out to get coffee half an hour ago. 

She goes over to the intercom and presses a button, “Allie?” 

A person responds with a slightly gruff sounding voice warbled out, “Une livraison.” A package.

She purses her lips and shrugs. It was getting close to Halloween so maybe her parents or Allie’s had sent a care package since Halloween wasn’t all that big in France. “Okay, un moment. Merci.” She presses the button that unlocked the door to allow the delivery man to bring up the package. She hoped it wasn’t too big so he didn’t have to struggle up the five flights to her floor. 

After less time than she expected, a knock sounded on the door and she was once again intrigued to see what it could be. A passing thought was that it could be from Josh but she pushed that thought to the back of her head since she hadn’t spoken to him in over a month besides one check in text a few days ago and she didn’t want to get her hopes up. 

She opens the door with a “Bonjour” already on her lips, but it slips away at the sight in front of her. Her door was clutched in her hand and she uses it to steady herself as her jaw drops slightly and is then replaced with a bemused smile. 

“Sam?!” 

“Bonjour, mon petite chouchou!” My little darling, he exclaims with a terrible French accent as he opens his arms wide, inviting her to hug him. 

She laughs and shakes her head at him before wrapping her arms around his slender waist that was covered in a clean oversized linen overcoat that hid a black turtleneck beneath it. He was warm with a bit of dampness from rain droplets, no umbrella in sight. She inhaled his scent, cigarettes and a musky yet natural cologne – very Sam. 

“What the fuck are you doing here, Samuel?” 

He pulls back and grins down at her, his hair even longer than the last time she had seen him in person and falling past his jaw. He had the strands of his hair tucked behind both of his ears, giving him the goofy youthful look he almost always sported. His goatee was almost completely full, but thankfully nicely trimmed and his eyes were as big as always, looking down at her like a dreamy baby animal. She widened her eyes at him since he still hadn’t informed her of what he was doing in the doorway of her Parisian apartment. 

“You said no one sounded like they were that interested in celebrating Halloween, so me and the big bro decided to come out and surprise you! Make sure you have people to celebrate one of the best holidays ever with.” He shrugs after letting his hands fall from her shoulders, where they had rested after the hug had concluded. 

Her eyes widened further and looked around the hallway behind Sam, the words he said processing in her mind. The hallway was empty, so empty it almost echoed with their voices. 

“When you say ‘big bro’ you mean Josh right?” Her voice is anxious as she looks back at him before attempting to peer down the staircase, maybe there would be a second surprise guest. 

Sam laughs and deadpans, “No, Jake was worried about you and flew out. Josh stayed home to twiddle his thumbs while we hung out in Paris for two weeks with you. Danny’s here too, but nope not Josh.” He finished with a roll of his eyes.

She elbows Sam in the ribs with a big shove of her body, trying to communicate how unfunny she found that. Her heart skipped a beat thinking about Josh being in the same city as her once more. But if Sam was here in front of her breaking the news, where was his brother, her sometimes lover? 

Her hand gestures for him to come into the apartment and he closes the door behind himself. 

“So, where is he?” She looks down at her hands nervously. Why was it Sam who surprised her rather than Josh or even both of them? 

Sam sat on her couch beside her and crossed his legs before leaning back and running a hand through his hair, pushing it away from his face as he looked at her. His lips were slightly parted like he was thinking of what he wanted to say as his body relaxed and made himself look immediately comfortable. 

“He stayed back at the hotel. He checked us in and then he said he felt a migraine coming on from flying. It happens to all of us Kiszkas when we travel far distances sometimes,” He tries to sound light with his accent catching on his last name. 

“Doesn’t sound great for a touring band,” She says, dejected only slightly. Of course Josh had a reason. “But he should rest so he can actually have fun while he’s here.” 

“Yeah, that’s why he told me to go ahead.” Sam leans back further and rests his head on the back of the couch, still watching her, relaxing further now that he didn’t see the panicked look on her face. “Trust me, I’m sure that Josh wants to be able to have a fun time while he’s here…If you know what I mean.” The mischievous smirk on his lips and the raise of his eyebrows makes it abundantly clear what he meant. 

She rolls her eyes and shoves at Sam’s shoulder, “You’re gross, Sam. Plus…Like, obviously that would be great, but I feel like Josh and I might be in a friend place right now, maybe. Like, this has been the longest we’ve been apart since we met – which isn’t really saying a lot, but still.” She sighs and huffs, looking around the room. “I don’t know, I’m gonna be so happy to see him and all I’m saying right now will probably go right out the window once we’re in the same room. But this month has been kind of really nice. It’s been the first month where I haven’t been desperately trying not to think about him, it’s gotten easier. How I feel about him hasn’t changed, but I’m different and I kind of like it. I don’t know if sleeping together is the best thing for the rest of my time here.” 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Sam leans forward, his droopy eyes boring into hers. His hand drops to touch lightly at her shoulder, she doesn’t think much of it. 

“Sure.” 

He breathes deeply as the tops of his cheeks begin to flush ever so slightly, boyishly.

“Selfishly, I’d prefer if you two became just friends, but this last month has been so hard on Josh. He lights up when you two talk on the phone almost as much as when he’s on stage or working on new music…This last month he’s been particularly resigned, very unlike himself… And I can’t be selfish when my brother’s feelings are involved.” 

Her eyes widened at Sam’s words. First, an admission she’d never thought she’d hear from his lips coming out so casually, so effortlessly. Maybe she had an inkling that Sam liked her more than a friend might, but she just chalked it up to his flirty nature. It was those ‘fuck me’ eyes he had, it wasn’t like he could just turn them off. But there it was, if it were up to him, his brother wouldn’t see her and what would the reason be if not because he wanted to be with her himself. It was flattering, Sam was beautiful. Too beautiful to be interested in her, but then again that’s what she thought about Josh too. The way Josh saw her soul, though, it was wholly different from her relationship with Sam. 

Second, him saying that Josh had been terribly saddened by their lack of contact over the last month. She didn’t realize how hard it might be for him and for that she felt horribly selfish. She always thought he was fine without her, like he liked being with her obviously, but he was content without her. She didn’t realize he needed her just as much as she needed him. 

“Oh…” She replies dumbly, reflexively moving out of Sam’s touch. 

Sam’s eyes flicker to life with anxiety and rushes to say, “I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable. I thought it was kind of obvious.” He ran his hand through his hair and rubbed at the back of his neck followed by an awkward chuckle he tried to mask as a cough. “…but like I said, I’m never going to get in the way of you and Josh. You and he are the closest thing I’ve seen to love at first sight.” 

“It’s-it’s alright. I’m sorry that I don’t feel the same way, I know it’s hard being the unrequited one. I appreciate your friendship, though.” She offers a small smile towards Sam as he looks back at her and he returns it with a small smile as well that doesn’t reach his eyes… “I should probably go see him, then, huh? Does he really have a migraine?” 

Sam’s smile widens, genuinely this time. He had been settled with disappointment when he had decided to lay out his feelings for her, knowing her response would be as such. He lets it fade away, content to just be her friend and loving how she could pick up so quickly on what had initially been a fib.

“Yeah,” Sam stands, “He said he wasn’t feeling super great and told me to go ahead and see you, but I don’t think it’s actually a full migraine. I think he was just anxious to see you. You know how he gets.” 

She nods, but in reality, she didn’t really know how he gets. Her body straightens beside Sam’s and begins to gather the necessary items she would need to leave the apartment for however long it might be. She felt a little stupid, because she knew Josh got anxious about various things. It was a side of him she knew about in theory but rarely saw exhibited around her. 

Memories of Jake’s initial warning back in Napa about Josh being saddened when a girl was sad they couldn’t continue flitted across her mind, but she had thought that was different. Thinking about it now, it was clear, Josh got anxious over making the previous women in his life upset to the point of sadness. And now, she had made him anxious to the point of sadness that he couldn’t bring himself to surprise her. He had come to Paris, but let Sam break the news. She felt sick, she needed to make this right. 

God. This felt so stupid. She was on the verge of crying and she hadn’t even seen Josh yet. Simultaneously, she was overjoyed and dismayed at the prospect. 

Once at the hotel the Kiszka boys were staying at, Sam directed them to their floor, but separated from her, slipping into his room across from Josh’s with an encouraging nod of his head. 

She knocked timidly on Josh’s door, feeling like she was intruding upon him. Like it was forbidden for her to be in this hallway in this nice hotel just ten minutes from her apartment. She felt like she was choking on the air as she waited for what felt like an eternity. There was no sound coming from inside the room, maybe Josh had fallen asleep and not heard her knock. 

When it swung open, Josh’s petite frame was revealed in a nice cream sweater and fitted sweatpants. His face made her instantly brighten. His skin glowed with a slight blush and his eyes were wide and a little sleepy. His hair was perfectly messy and his pink lips parted in question.

Upon seeing it was her, his expression changed, going from confusion to happiness to something similar to apprehension and then back to happiness. 

“Sunshine,” He breathed and she grinned, falling into his arms as he enveloped her. 

“Fuck, Josh,” She said into the crook of his neck after taking a deep inhale of him. “I missed you.” 

His scent was intoxicating, his warmth was addictive. She craved him, but every little issue nagged at her brain, unable to be forgotten so easily even if being in his presence tried to convince her to just let it go. Best outcomes or whatever. 

“Are you alright?” She pulls back from him and tilts her head to the side, her tone clearly asking more than just his alleged migraine. 

His eyes shift from admiring her face to the door behind her and then to the floor. “Do you want to come in?” 

“Sure,” She nods and offers a small smile of encouragement before Josh leads them into his room that looked relatively unused. 

His hand remains encircled around her wrist as he seats them on the deep burgundy loveseat the room was equipped with. 

Josh looks at her with a slightly pained expression on his face, like he’s trying to hide it away but it’s not exactly possible. She feels the prickle of tears behind her eyes just at his face before her and all of the guilt that’s been growing in her since Sam told her what’s been going on. 

“I’m really sorry, Josh,” She starts after a moment of pulling back the tears. 

“What? Why are you sorry?” Josh looks slightly confused, but once again it feels like he’s just trying to downplay the real situation. “I’m sorry,” He repeats, beginning to ramble about his migraine.

“Josh,” She huffs and her eyes search his face. “I know this month has been hard on you and I’m so fucking sorry that I didn’t think about how much us not talking might affect you.” 

“Oh,” He says, almost blankly, eyes casting down to their clasped hands between them. “I am, uh, yeah…it wasn’t great. It’s always hard when I’m away from you, you know, but this time, knowing that you were there able to talk to Sam but not me…sucked, if I’m honest.” 

She scrunches her nose at how dejected he sounds and she feels her tears once again threatening at the back of her eyes, a tightness in her throat. “I was selfish and unfair and I realize that now. I shouldn’t have done that. If I really wanted to experience Paris with no distractions I should have limited my contact with everyone, not just you.”  

“But I get it,” Josh starts, eyes flickering to her face finally. His eyes wide and piercing. “You wanted to get settled in and meet new people, experience new things, not be tied to some guy that you’re only half with. Sam’s your friend, it shouldn’t have hurt so much.” 

“Don’t apologize for how you felt, Josh,” She insists, her free hand pressing into his chest, over his heart. “Sam also mentioned something else…” 

“He did?” Josh’s eyebrows quirk in interest. 

She hesitates, unsure whether she should share with Josh what Sam had said. Did he already know? That would make it make more sense as to why Josh was especially dejected this time around at their communication. 

“Yeah, um…I guess I didn’t realize and maybe you did, but I guess he had – has? – a crush on me. He told me and it made me think that maybe that was another reason for why you might have felt..the way you did.” She pauses for a moment with an awkward laugh. “Sorry, I feel like I’m not making any sense right now.” 

Josh sighs and it doesn’t sound particularly upset, his hand runs over his face. “I’m glad he told you.” He pauses and gives her a smile, trying to communicate that this wasn’t particularly upsetting for him at this moment. “I figured it out relatively quickly, but he’s my brother and I can tell when he likes someone just by the way he says their name. I wasn’t really worried about it, but I guess it did make me more anxious when he’d mention you and he had been talking so frequently because, irrationally, my brain would suggest that it was because you actually had feelings for him back.”  

“I’m sorry, Josh,” She swipes at the tear that had managed to sneak its way from her eye. 

“Stop apologizing, Sunshine.” She begins to protest, but Josh takes the moment to cup her jaw and looks into her eyes. “I forgive you if that’s what you need to hear, but I’m really not upset with you. Maybe myself a little, but I came to Paris because I knew being with you would make my worries disappear. When we’re together, I have no worries.” 

The breath she releases is more relieved than she imagined and her smile is watery as she leans into Josh, opting to embrace him tightly rather than kiss him yet. She melts into his strong warmth and his subtle muscular form. 

“I love you,” She secrets into his ear before pressing her face into the crook of his neck further. 

“I love you,” Josh repeats into her hair, lips ghosting across it before breathing through his nose. 

Josh admits that he really did feel a bit of a migraine coming on so they agree to spend the rest of the day lounging around in his plush hotel room. 

Y/N takes Josh and Sam to her favorite shops and stores that she had found since she had been there as well as her favorite sunset and dinner locations. It’s not awkward with Sam tagging along most days. Sometimes he will do his own thing for dinner or just go back to the hotel afterwards when it’s clear that she and Josh want some alone time. 

She still has classes during the first week they are visiting so Josh and Sam fill their days together, but her break starts after Halloween. She had already figured out a few possible costume ideas because she really loved Halloween, but Josh and Sam had only planned one costume each. The journalist insisted that they have at least two, and she’d be more satisfied with three if she was honest. 

They’re at a thrift store on the Friday before Halloween finalizing Josh and Sam’s second option for costumes when it happens. 

Y/N and Josh are in a corner looking over plaid button downs for a book character Josh wanted to be when Sam gets recognized. Neither of them recognize that he’s having a conversation with a fan when they round a corner with their hands clasped tight and Y/N with her free arm wrapped around Josh’s bicep, effectively curling herself into him like she did the first night they scurried back to the tour bus at Bottlerock. She’s giggling in his ear about a bad joke he’d just told when they round on Sam. 

Josh’s eyes widen at the fan in a slightly confused way, it’s like his brain immediately going into appraisal mode: who is this person and how are they going to interpret this situation. The fan’s eyes widen back, recognizing Josh just as she’s finishing saying something to Sam. 

It takes Y/N a moment to realize Josh has released her hand that he had been holding so lovingly before. She releases his arm as inconspicuously as possible. The fan seems to be preoccupied with ogling Josh’s face so she misses the two of them detangling. 

Y/N finds herself shrinking back as the two become preoccupied with the fan and she doesn’t want to intrude upon the time. Not too long ago, she had been in the other girl’s shoes, hoping to have a moment with them, she didn’t want to take from that moment in any way. 

Soon enough, Josh is back at her side with a curious look on his face. She smiles at him reassuringly so try to communicate that it was fine what had happened but she also didn’t necessarily want to talk about it. He lets it go. 

Halloween is on Sunday and Sam and Josh agree to spend Saturday night in with Y/N to prepare decorations and snacks for the pregame party she was hosting before going out to the clubs in costume. She had informed them that they were likely to be the few people dressed up. Josh had beamed and pecked her lips, telling her that he would happily be the only person in a costume in a club if it made her smile. Sam had gagged but she couldn’t hold it against him, it was admittedly sickeningly sweet of Josh to say. 

It’s around dinner time on Halloween when Josh has to calm Y/N down again. 

“Okay…so – fuck. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck fuck,” She says as she starts to scramble around the kitchen. 

“What’s wrong?” Josh asks curiously, his tone light as he hopes that her worries can be easily placated. 

She paces quickly around the small kitchenette, opening cupboards and drawers. Sam and Allie, Y/N’s roommate, stop what they’re doing in the living area of the apartment to listen in. 

“I forgot to buy food coloring,” Y/N moans with a hand pressed to her forehead. “Ugh, fuck, none of these fucking little shops probably have any and if they do they’re probably closed by now,” She thinks aloud as she looks at the time and then up to Josh with a pained look on her face. 

He goes to her in two steps, the silver lines of his Halloween makeup already painted on his face making him further radiant. His hands take hold of her biceps and pull her the rest of the way into him as her eyes meet his. Her eyelashes flutter as she stares up into his deep brown insistent eyes. They’re wide and calming as he stares at her with confidence and kindness. 

“Take a breath, sunshine,” He soothes, rubbing her arms now. “We don’t need it, this place looks great and I’d far prefer not to drink something that looks poisonous. As fun as it sounds.” 

She rolls her eyes affectionately at Josh’s attempt to soothe her. Rationally, she knows there’s no point in getting upset over the one thing she forgot but she can’t help herself. Having Josh with her is a nice comfort, his presence makes it easier to forget about things she might normally spiral about. Her hand snakes its way up Josh’s chest and neck and rests at his jaw, her fingers gently running across the skin. He tilts his head into her touch and she mirrors his small smile – which wasn’t really all that small but a closed lipped smile on Josh was small compared to the absolute grin he sported otherwise. 

“I love you, Joshua,” She whispers before pecking his pink lips. Her thumb runs over his cheek, careful to avoid the line of glitter. 

He hums his agreement into the chaste kiss before pulling back and moving his lips against her ear, her hand falling away. “I love you, but you can’t call me that when we’re supposed to be going out. Unless you’d rather we stay in and fuck?” 

His enunciation on his final question makes her shiver and her hand falls to Josh’s waist to steady herself. His stomach is warm and firm beneath his shirt and she’s unsure if it’s helpful in the situation she has found herself in. 

“We gotta go out, but we don’t have to stay out too late.” She murmurs in an attempt to keep them on track. 

“Oh, my love, we can stay out as long as you like. You know I’m just teasing,” He beams with a quick wink and then a peck to her cheek. “If we stayed in every time I wanted you – carnally – we’d never leave the bed.” 

She smiles after the giggles subside from Josh’s word choice but an odd sense of dread and anxiety falls over her when Josh said ‘my love’. It wasn’t that he said it, she had no issue with that, but suddenly she had this feeling inside her that they were coming upon an ending. This was soon to be a memory. She often had these feelings but with Josh they usually didn’t occur because she thought she had worked for them not to happen, the compulsion to write it all down wasn’t usually there. But here it was, her mind looking at this as a memory, as something that had already come to pass and there was no getting it back. No getting Josh back. It made her heart ache even though he was right in front of her. 

She tries her best to push it away, the dread. Focus on Josh, on Allie, on Sam. On living rather than remembering, but her silly writer brain had a hard time. Drinking helps, though, and before she knows it, her vision is blurry as her arms cling to Josh’s slightly damp skin at the back of his neck. 

His hands are hot against her hips and for a moment it’s just Josh in her senses. His strong earthy spiced cologne mixed with a little sweat in her nose. His chest pressed against hers. His lips at her temple and her ear and her jaw and her neck. Everywhere all at once, somehow. The pulse of the music moves them together and she feels free. Breathless. Josh takes a beat and pushes pressure on her hips, twisting her around. She moves slowly, her arms falling and then one snaking back up to keep hold of Josh’s neck. 

His head dips down and presses a hot wet kiss to the juncture between her neck and collarbone. Her ass is now flush against Josh’s front. The bass centered house music isn’t exactly either of their first choices for enjoyable music but with enough alcohol in their systems and the high of being in each other’s presence, they both are happily dancing to the music. 

She pulls Josh’s lips to her once more when she feels his lips beginning to retreat from her skin. The low chuckle he releases against her is enough to make her shiver despite how hot the club was. Her other hand finds a home over Josh’s hand on her left hip. He squeezes her tighter to him and she leans her head back to mewl slightly in his ear. The growl that comes from his chest makes her grin and twist further to peck his cheek. 

“Do we need to leave?” He wonders into her ear, his grip like a vice on her hips. 

She hums and presses closer to Josh, further cementing their bodies together, attempting to fuse them. “Why not, Joshy?” 

In a sobering moment, Josh giggles and the hot and heavy tension that had built around them dissipated for a moment. It’s just Josh and Y/N. The original versions of themselves they had presented to one another. Josh, genuine, funny and a little bewildered by the girl before him. Y/N, unabashed, lively and feeling just a little out of her depth with the guy she’s with. “I don’t think you’ve ever called me that,” He chuckles breathlessly, almost bewildered. 

“Too much?” She asks as she lets him begin to pull them out of the milieu of people. 

He shakes his head of curls as he weaves their bodies out into the road. The open air on the street is almost stinging when the cold hits their overheated skin. She breathes a heaving sigh of relief. Her fingers grip to Josh when he pulls her into him. One hand falls to his chest that had been exposed from his need to cool down inside the club as much as possible. His skin is clammy from the shift in temperature but it feels oddly comforting to her. 

“Take me home, Josh,” She whispers into his neck, arms wrapped back around his neck. She loved hugging him, it felt so safe. 

“Right away, sunshine.”

When they get inside of Josh’s hotel room, after the two had decided it was better than her shared apartment with her roommate, Josh’s hands push her body against the hallway wall. His body pressed firmly against her and she felt out of breath, instantly, with his lips hot and searching against her throat. 

His kisses are blinding and rough and he begins whispering the dirty words she likes to hear so much in her ear. When her hand presses against Josh’s chest in an uncharacteristic way, he pulls back in confusion, feeling her hesitance radiating from her body. 

“Will you make love to me, Josh?” She murmurs softly when he meets her eye. 

Over the past week, when they had sex it was like usual. She had never asked Josh to fuck her softly, but that dread was creeping back in and she wanted to savor this. His brown eyes widen slightly before they soften into a kind of pure bliss at her question. He loved to please her in the almost unforgiving way that they fucked, it was extremely pleasurable for him too, to really take control, but he was happy to oblige this request. He loved her and a small part inside of him had been wishing to make sweet love to her as well, but it always felt like they were rushed for time and they needed to fuck rather than truly feel one another. 

Tonight was different. 

“Of course, Sunshine. I love you.” He laved a tender open-mouthed kiss onto her neck and she moaned. It was more so about his words and the tenderness she felt from his lips rather than the actual kiss. 

Josh dimmed the lights in the room after placing her gently in the center of the bed. There they looked at each other as they sat on their heels. Carefully, they simultaneously reached out, hands touching skin. Her fingers smooth over Josh’s soft skin. His face, mapping his cheeks and jaw, down his neck and over his collarbones. She unbuttoned the rest of his shirt before tugging it off his shoulders and smoothing over his lightly freckled skin. 

She whimpered and Josh smiled at the thought that it was just his body that turned her on. His hands fell to his thighs as he grew engrossed in her ministrations. She leans forward and presses a kiss over his left pec and her eyes flutter to look at his face. Her hand reaches out and presses over his chest, more in the center now. They are silent then for what feels like eternity. Eyes focused on one another, connected only by her hand on his chest. 

Her hand then trails down his body, sweep softly so that Josh shivers from her fingertips. Then they’re back to undressing each other. Then it’s Josh’s turn to kiss his lover’s body. He kisses down her sternum and presses her back gently into the soft sheets when he gets lower. Over her thighs, his fingers ghosting at the seams where her thighs met her pelvis. She felt like hellfire was against her skin, hotter than any regular fire, more electric than any lighting. It felt unreal, but there it was, all Josh, it was all him. 

Heavy breathing and wet kisses and Josh is moving back up to her. His delicate fingers swirl through her folds and he brings her slick up to brush gently against her clit. It’s enough to make her moan and arch against his body. His warm skin feels like velvet. “Sunshine, are you ready?” 

“Yeah, of course I am. Always ready for you.” 

He pecks a kiss to her lips and smiles down at her. “You’re so beautiful,” He speaks softly, almost in disbelief. “Fuck, you’re so perfect for me. I am so grateful for your love.” 

The whiney breath of his name on her lips after that sentence would have been embarrassing had it not been the best thing she had ever been told while having sex. For as much as she seemed to like to be degraded every once in awhile, praise made her soul soar. 

Josh’s hand slips out of her and presses his cock against her cunt, pushing it between her folds a few times before easily sliding inside with how wet she is. He breathes a low “Fuck” into her ear and then he kisses the shell of it. Her hands hold Josh’s neck and his back, holding him close as he whispers sweet nothings into her ear and presses kisses to her lips. 

One of Josh’s hands grips her breast and the flesh in his hand is tender, another moan escapes her and it surprises her, causing it to end in a gasp. Josh smiles down at her and even in the bliss of coitus, on her way to orgasm, she smiles easily back before shutting her eyes, overcome by the pleasure of this moment. She smiles again but this time it’s really just for herself. 

With every final thrust, Josh whispered an “I love you” in her ear. By the time he brought her to the peak, there were tears in her eyes. Josh’s final request was a whispered ‘look in my eyes, Sunshine’ and she did. She had never felt more whole. 

He came short after, thrusting into her and kissing beneath her earlobe and brushing a hand through her hair. They cuddle in each other’s arms, content in this moment, both of them committing it to memory, to heart, to soul. Rather than sleeping in a spooning position or with her head on Josh’s chest like usual, they slept chest to chest, Josh’s head nestled into her neck, one of her hands wrapped in his hair. Her fingers raked through his curls until she heard soft breathing puffing from his lips. 

“I’m never getting out of the way I feel about you, Joshua Michael.” 

-

On the last day before Josh is set to leave, Y/N finally allows the realization she had been trying to push off be known. She allowed the realization of what the dread was on Halloween into her mind and it’s one that hurts her deeply. The sorrow outweighs any joy she has ever felt. It’s like cinder blocks in her heart, weighing her body down, breaking her from the inside out. 

She can’t keep doing this. It hurts too much. She just hopes that Josh can forgive her for what she needs to do. And he does. He takes it better than she could have ever thought because in her head she assumes he’ll hate her just because of the worrying in her mind. So much had changed since they had met six months ago, but Josh couldn’t fully get rid of the doubts and anxieties that plagued her mind. 

Their time in Paris together was unforgettable, just like Bottlerock and Dublin, but it would have to be the last installment of their love story. All she could do was be friends with Josh if she wanted to be able to focus on anything else besides missing him and wishing for him. 

“I’m going to miss you profoundly, Josh, maybe I’ll write you a text or an email or maybe a letter and I’ll slip it into a book you’ll find someday. Then I’ll be able to explain it more but about all I can say now is I’ll miss you profoundly.” 

“I think that’s supposed to be my line,” he smiles at her with an almost saddened twinkle. 

“Huh?” She asks, too caught up in trying to stop her crying once more. There couldn’t be more crying in front of Josh. 

“I’m the one who’s supposed to say weird big words like missing you profoundly.”

“Yeah but you’d ramble on for ten more minutes, I’m saving us time by emailing you later pouring my heart out.” 

He chuckles and pulls her close, the hug is friendly but the passionate affection shared between them simmers just beneath the surface. It’s in the pressure of their bodies against one another. It’s in the deep breaths they take. It’s in the air. 

“Best outcomes, Sunshine. Best outcomes.” He whispers like a promise, like a prayer.

If she wants to just be friends, if that makes it easier for her to say goodbye to him, Josh would willingly be her friend. If she wanted him to never speak to her again, he’d do it. He’d throw his phone out and lose her address if that’s what it took to stop himself. He could do friends. For her. 

And they do friends for about a year. Intermittent texting, a few calls here and there, she sends him a few letters in the mail including her graduation announcement and grad party invitation. Neither Josh nor Sam are able to make it out to California for her party, but each of them sends her gifts that she promptly sends thank you letters for, as well. If she cries over a forest green hare pin and the letter Josh writes along with it, no one can see as she sits in a corner of her own party. The note attached to the pin includes Josh harkening back to their time in Napa, “A rabbit to eat your garden vegetables,” referencing the ceramic plate he had painted for her over a year prior. 

The first letter she wrote Josh was indeed slipped into a book. A book she sent him in the mail that was a copy of a book they had discussed while they had been in Paris together. He had pointed it out at a bookstore but decided against it, citing that he didn’t want to add it to his luggage on the trip home. Y/N had passed by the bookstore every day on her way to and from class for the next week before she couldn’t stop herself and went in and purchased the book. 

Josh received it about three weeks later. The letter is folded up in the first page of the book. His name written neatly on the outside of the last folded page. It reads as follows. 

Joshua Michael,

I fear I am far better with my words on paper than I’ll ever be with them spoken. Maybe it’s a good thing I want to be a writer. It seems like my thoughts are always faster than my mouth. On paper, I can collect them and organize them. Do you ever feel the same when writing lyrics or your poems? There’s so many questions I could ask you here that I’d never muster the courage to ask in your presence, even after the interview and everything. You still make me nervous. I know I’ve never said that…but it’s true. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to voice all my thoughts I have about you accurately in your presence either. No amount of time would ever be enough and it seems that we’ll never have the time anyway. I also worry that I may also not have enough page space to get everything I want to say out on paper either. So maybe it’s not a good thing that I want to be a writer. 

Firstly, I want to apologize for myself. The minute you left Paris, I cried rather uncontrollably, but please don’t feel guilty because it was entirely my fault. I know I explained myself, but I still feel like I’ve been unfair to you. I hope you move on from me and still see the world in the vibrant colors that I know you do. Find someone who can travel the world with you and loves you as much as I do, more if it’s possible (selfishly I don’t want to believe that, but can you fault me?). 

You gave me a chance in May of this past year and I will forever be grateful for that. I have never known a love like yours before now and I wouldn’t have, had you not given me the time of day after the show at Bottlerock. You taught me so much about myself and for that I am forever indebted to you (don’t try and fight it). Because of you, I try not to get so in my head and try to believe in only best outcomes (I know it doesn’t seem to have worked in our case). The world has felt brighter ever since you came into my life. So, thank you. 

I told you I’d write this love letter as a means to wax eloquent on how much I would miss you and I find myself avoiding it because of how it hurts. I feel like I’ve told you this before or maybe you’ve read it somewhere else, but in French, to say you miss someone, one actually says ‘you are missing from me’. But I don’t feel that way, I can still feel you. You’ve touched places inside of me I didn’t know existed and you have nestled your way into my heart where I know I will never lose you. In spite of that, I still will miss you feverishly, fervently, profoundly. I miss your touch, your smile, your voice, your being. Your soul has touched mine and I fear it will miss yours until they are reunited somewhere down the line, a different dimension where time and space carry no weight. Somewhere in the ether, our souls will reunite, I just have this feeling. 

If this were easy, it wouldn’t be so painful now would it? 

I know this goodbye is hard and that it’s still technically a ‘see you later’, but I know in my heart that this is better for both of us. To no longer keep torturing ourselves in this state of limbo we have found ourselves in. It hurts now, but time will make it hurt less. Friends will be possible because best outcomes means we can do it. Don’t get in your head about any of this because as we know, it’s my job to be in my head and overthink just about everything. Just tuck this letter away if it’s too much. I’ve been told I come off as grandiose in letters, what can I say? I truly can’t help myself. But seriously, there’s no need to respond to this letter with any text or call, it would probably make me terribly embarrassed to address it aloud (or awifi). I’d smile awkwardly and become anxious, thinking about all the things you hated about it or took issue with. I hope this is enough. 

P.S.

The way I love you, I am never getting out of that. I will never forget you saying that to me and I hope you know that I still feel the same way. I love you, Joshua, and I always will. While you may call me your sunshine, you are my sun. 

Forever your friend. 

Josh cries when he reads the handwritten note and sniffles a few laughs at her clear voice in the writing. So much was said yet he feels the weight of some things she left unsaid. She said it herself, there isn’t even enough paper for her to get all her thoughts down. He folds the letter up and tucks it back into the book before placing the book on the highest shelf of his bookshelf. He tries not to ever think too hard about all she said in the letter lest it bring tears back to his eyes. 

After Y/N graduates, she tells Josh about the first job she got over text. It’s based in California and it keeps her so busy with travel and other tasks that she rarely has time to respond to his queries and messages. Eventually they both stop reaching out, but remain followers on Instagram. They both send each other birthday wishes on their respective birthdays, but the messages are only met with a ‘thank you’ and a well wish in return. She convinces herself this hurts less than pining after Josh for weeks or months before she chances to see him again. 

It’s a little under two years after Paris that Josh and Y/N’s paths cross again. 

--

Apologies....

[anxso]

@ygoc-week Day 7 - AU

YU-GI-OH! 5D’S — RAIN ORICHALCUM

Clear Skies is a story that involves multiple timelines and a version of Z-ONE trapped, trying to find a solution to a time loop. This VERY mucH revolves around Rain and Kalin.

One timeline we get to see is a brief snapshot of an attempt where Z-ONE defeats Roman and is able to restore Rain’s memory prior to her awakening in the Satellite, so during the Team Satisfaction era she’s instead a murderer-menace.

Yet stilllll ends up in a relationship anyway and is facing a firing squad for the things she and Kalin have done. He sets off an explosion, and they manage to escape.

It gets cut off there in the main story BUT I honestly was so enamored with this timeline that I wrote out how they ended up warming up to each other. This one-shot is prettttty long, almost 4k words! but I’m happy I get to share it for OC Week! I originally wrote this for the Angstober prompt “Crimes of Passion” because oh, doesn’t that fit them perfectly?

WARNINGS FOR THIS ONE-SHOT: alcohol use, gun violence, a drinking game that gets. hot n heavy. implied/offscreen nsfw (nothing that would be an E rating on AO3, don’t worry~!)

full fic under the cut :3c

————————

Soft beeps filled the hospital room. Kalin Kessler had fallen asleep on his knees, his hand in Rain Orichalcum’s; she lay comatose on the bed. Z-ONE appeared in the visitation seats in a green flash wearing a blank expression.

“Again. Again,” Z-ONE whispered. “How many times have I been here?”

A swirl of violet flames birthed the figure of a Dark Signer, Ccapac Apu wearing Rain’s skin. Its black robes lined with blue drank in the noonday sunshine. Its drawn hood casted shadows over its dark eyes, but its grin was free and bright. “If it isn’t the worthless machine back again! What are we at now? Should I be celebrating three thousand?”

“When you are snuffed out,” Z-ONE said, “those taunts will vanish with you along with all the anguish you have woven into the universe.”

“Little old me?” It feigned surprise. “But I was happy to eat up one timeline! Here you are creating ever more for me to feast. Tell me, rusty bucket of bolts, do you ever consider how those timelines end up? Ever had one stick in the old brain?”

“What? No. It doesn’t… matter.”

“Oh, but it does. A tree fallen in the forest may go unheard by humanity yet makes sound enough to scatter the birds, and a timeline abandoned by your sorry self continues to spiral until ending up in my wondrous arms. Or are you a depressed solipsist?”

Z-ONE stared. “I go on. It is what I do.”

“The weight of it all must eat you up.” The wicked god hovered over Z-ONE, spittle flying with its words. “The decisions you’ve made and the sheer agony they’ve resulted in. I know you lie to me. They’re lodged in your brain as much as I continue to experience them—every timeline continuing on, every light for me to consume! You should try godhood sometime, but oh, no machine could process it. You would fall to pieces. I suppose it wouldn’t matter, since you’re already a heap of junk!”

Z-ONE’s fists balled. “I am no god. Nor am I a machine. The probability exists. I merely have to find its branch. Your days have been numbered from the start. As for the other branches…”

Z-ONE stood. “A god such as you exists simultaneously on every timeline, and so you will be eradicated everywhere; everywhen.”

“Eradicated!” The wicked god laughed and slapped its knee. “Funny! You aaare funny. You don’t like to talk about them, but I have my favorites! Timelines you’ve screwed up, that is.”

“I’m done talking.” Z-ONE’s bracelet shone emerald. “I defy your ending.”

The wicked god rolled its eyes. “Whatever, whatever, see you next time around.” It cleaned beneath its grimy fingernails and studied Kalin and Rain.

Its smile curled up.

/\/\/\/\/\/

One thousand three hundred and seventy-seven.

Z-ONE tampered with the game of gods by defeating Roman Godwin, possessed by Earthbound Immortal Uru. Uru had snatched Rain Orichalcum’s memories. She was left as a complacent girl with childlike naïvete. A chance run-in with Kalin Kessler netted her an opportunity to join Team Satisfaction and survive in the post-fallout wasteland known as the Satellite, an island used as garbage disposal for the nearby New Domino City.

The Rain Orichalcum who had her memories returned before any such meeting took place, before growing close to humans who showed her kindness and empathy, was a very different person indeed.

Smog intermingled with the gray clouds blanketing the overcast sky. Kalin Kessler strolled the grimy Satellite streets whistling a tune. He kicked a can as he went and periodically glanced up at the rooftops. He passed a pair of stray dogs fighting over a scrap of rotten food and tossed them a fresh granola bar. 

The hairs on the back of his neck lifted. Wind swept through the streets, carrying litter and brushing the collar of his Team Satisfaction vest against his cheek. He spun on his heel, his focus locked on the rooftop of the building behind him.

A pale woman with long, black hair and blue eyes glared down at him. Her legs dangled over the building's edge. Kalin said, "Heyo, it's just the girl I'm looking for!"

She thinned her eyes.

"Oh, how I enjoy our long and eventful conversations. You know, they've started calling you the shadow. I don't think it fits so much. What about something more creative, like, Raven!"

She rolled her eyes. 

"Not your name, then." He sighed and made a show of slumping sadly. "One of these days, I'll find it out! Eh, I have a more, uh, pressing priority today. You got a hard number on how many Securities you've killed?"

Her head tilted, expression unchanging. She held up both hands and lifted one finger, two fingers, all the way to ten. Then she curled her fingers and shrugged. 

"So many you don't know?" 

She confirmed with a nod. 

"See! That's a problem for us. You, too. They're hiking up their numbers in the Satellite and making it worse for every one of us. It goes pretty counter to what I'm trying to do around here, which is to stay on the low to keep Security out of our hair. S'long as we got a nice, united Satellite, Security's the only fuckheads. Make sense?"

She stared.

"Come on. There's gotta be something I can do to convince you to leave them alone. Anything you want? I'll find it. Anything you wanna do to me? Hell, murder me instead for all I care. The rest of my team can take it from there."

"Your logic is flawed," she said, and he jumped. Words! From her mouth! "Every human is a fuckhead."

He couldn't help it; he laughed. "Ah, you got me there! Hey, you duel? How about a bet?"

"I'll take a bet," she said, "but we'll play my game."

"What game's that?"

She smiled in a very unpleasant way. "Drinking. You pass out first, and you never acknowledge my existence again. I pass out first, and you get your wish. I'll leave the guys in gray alone."

Very many a thought raced through Kalin's mind. If this was her game, she was surely better prepared than him. On the other hand, he had biology on his side considering his size over her. "You got yourself a deal."

She dropped onto the street before him, her boots stirring dust. Her loose-fitting black shirt, one arm missing the fabric, swayed with her stride. He followed her without word and with a wide berth. He'd heard enough stories to know even a perceived slight could end his life.

Yet there he went, following the Satellite's infamous murderer to who-knows-where. If he survived, Yusei and Crow would kill him. Jack would shoot him one of his more judgmental looks.

Perhaps he should rethink this.

Nahh. It was for the good of them all, so he had to. Plus, free drinks. They might end up being straight up poison, buuut-

"Here," she said.

Gray waves splashed up the high, craggy shoreline. Across the inlet, New Domino City caught rays of sunshine. The smog in this part of the Satellite, so close to the factories, blocked out the sun. She stood inside a control building connected to a now-defunct hydropower plant. The steel dam still stood, and trash floated on the disgusting green water behind it. 

Kalin followed her inside. She wound down a steel staircase. Their clanging footsteps echoed, testaments to how deep the plant stretched. She stopped three stories down. The emergency generators kept on the lights, and select rations lay scattered on the many control panels. In the corner lay a sleeping bag, an unlit lantern, and scattered bottles. 

She struck a match and lit the lantern. He studied the place. A few cockroach corpses rested here and there but nothing serious. He said, "Must stay pretty warm way down here in the winter."

She yanked down a large switch on the wall, and the humming overhead lights shut off. Screens and buttons provided minimal bright blue lighting. Most came from her lantern, a buttery orange glow. "Do you feel colder now?"

"Huh? Not really."

"The electricity here keeps the heat going," she said. "Since I don't need it, well. There it goes."

He kept a straight face, but it wasn't the greatest news to hear. They hadn't reached the snowy part of the year but the chill was enough to wake him up in the middle of the night. He'd worn only his typical red t-shirt, jeans, vest, and boots. His socks had more holes than he could count, so the cold found his feet first. "Not many places still get heat. How'd you find this?"

"I'm not here for small talk." She picked up two glass bottles of clear liquid and dropped into a rotating chair. I took the one beside her. The pair of tall bottles rested between various knobs and dials, and the lantern sat on the floor between us. The upward casting of shadows darkened her eyes and the hollows of his cheeks. She said, "Truth or dare's the game. If you pick truth, you drink."

The thought of what she might dare him to do skyrocketed his pulse. He said, "You should drink first. Y'know, so I'm sure you're not poisoning me."

She rolled her eyes and took a deep swig. "Guess I'm truth first."

"Your name!" he said. Uh. Surely there were better options, and yet.

"Rain," she answered. "Rain Orichalcum."

"Wow," he whispered. "Rain…"

"Don't- say it like that."

"Like what?"

She shook her head. "Your turn. Pick."

"Truth." He smelled the bottle. Fuck was it strong. He took a swig and coughed. Stuff almost came back up as vomit but he hit his fist against his chest and kept it down. The strength of it flooded his sinuses and lingered there. "Ugh, what the hell?"

She was laughing. He was too stunned to speak. She swiftly recovered her composure and swiped the bottle from him. "All the other stuff isn't strong enough."

"So you drink fucking rubbing alcohol?"

"Yes."

His brows shot up, and he studied the stuff with renewed interest. It'd hit him within seconds and he felt the urge to laugh even though nothing had happened. He rubbed his mouth and said, "Uh, your question?"

"What are you trying to do to this island? Conquer it?"

He blinked. "Kind of. I don't know. That doesn't sound like the right word. We're trying to, like- unite! Thaaat's the word. Yeah, so, right now it's split into a whole bunch of territories run by different gangs. They make life hell for anyone who's not in their gang, and lots of times, members of the gangs act like slaves to whoever the gang leader is. We're not like that. We wanna take them down and let everybody be free. We can make the Satellite as good a place to live as the City that way."

"Why do you believe that?" she said.

"Ha! I'm not drunk enough to fall for that. You gotta ask me next time."

"Fine." She drank. "Truth."

"Why do you keep killing people?"

She squinted and cleaned out her ear with a pinkie. "Do fuckheads deserve the lives they've been given if they use it only to abuse others? Take these other gangs, for example. Clearly you have a case of an individual with power who abuses it and takes advantage of those beneath the leader. Why should they continue to exist?"

He snorted. "Yeah, okay, they suck. Why does that mean you get to kill 'em? Like, why do you get to decide that?"

"I answered my question."

"Ugggh. How many in are we?"

"You've had two shots," she said. 

"What? No. I'm gonna fall out of the fucking chair! Whatever. I'll take a dare!"

Rain struck a match. A single strip of smoke rose up between them. "Your tongue. Five seconds."

"What the fuck?"

She arched an eyebrow. Psycho. Kalin opened his mouth. The heat started at the tip and slowly moved back inside his mouth, her fingers touching his lips. "One. Two. Three."

He shut his eyes tight against the searing pain. He smelled something burning. She dragged out her vowels: "Fooour…"

He clamped down his teeth, snatching the match and smothering it with his tongue. Her fingers came away wet, and she gaped at them. He grinned with the blackened match as his toothpick. "Five!"

She scowled and took a swig. "Truth."

"So boring!" A corner of his mouth quirked up. "How many shots does it take to get you to pass out?"

"To be determined."

He threw up his hands. The fact it didn't throw off his center of gravity was a good sign insofar. "Lemme ask a real one since you can't answer that. It's only fair." She nodded, so he said, "Why d'you hate people so much?"

A corner of her lip jumped with her snarl. "Because of what they did to me."

Hangups, eh. He considered the bottle. "Meh, do your worst. Dare again."

She giggled. He about fell into the floor hearing it. He deeefinitely had the lead. She said, "Really?"

"Yeah, really! What's the torture gonna be this time?"

She leveled an even stare at him. "Take off your shirt."

He busted out a laugh. Her expression didn't change. He said, "Oh, so I've caught the shadow's eye, huh?"

The chair spun behind Rain as she shot to her feet and gripped a fistful of his shirt. He grinned and held up his empty hands. She dropped him and sniffed. "I hope you freeze to death."

"Mhmm, that's it." He was too far gone to fear her snarl. He tossed off his vest and peeled off his shirt, stretching to leave his broad shoulders. She sat with the chair backwards, her chin resting on its cushioned back. The bottle dangled from her fingers. She kept her eyes locked with his. The cold raised bumps on his skin but the thundering pump of his blood kept him plenty warm. He smiled, saying, "I can tell you're trying sooo hard to keep your eyes up there."

Her expression soured. She downed three massive gulps, finishing the bottle, and tossed it aside. "Truth."

"Do I get three?"

"I'll ssstab you," she said. 

Her blinks were getting uneven, too. That with the slurring meant very good things for him. He nabbed the next bottle. "Are you really gonna follow through on our bet?"

She let her arms dangle over the chair, and her cheek pressed against the chair. "Mmm. I would still defend myshelf."

The lantern flickered yet the light was bright in his eyes–electric. "Myshelf?" 

"Shut up. You take three. You slowed down too fast for it to be fun."

He swallowed a trio of the nasty stuff. He stumbled and had to find his chair with a probing hand. "That answer works for me. I get a truth now, right?"

"Yeah." She stood up and swayed. A firm hand on the chair kept her upright. "What the hell is with your interest in me? You're always talking to me and wanted my name and- you've heard about me. You know what I've done."

There was a tremble to her that could've come from any number of things. Kalin chalked it up to the alcohol. "Suuure. I've got connections. I know the witnesses. Funny thing about all the stories is how all those kills were for the purpose of protecting a victim. Crazy stuff! There's always someone who was in danger and got away."

"That's not true," she hissed.

"Okay, take your sip and lemme ask you for the truth."

She grit her teeth and growled. "Dare."

"I get mine now? Finally!" He crossed his arms over the back of his chair. "Shirt off."

"What?" 

"Come on. You can't act that way when you made me do it."

Her inhale was sharp. Her focus rolled down his bare arms and abdomen. Her frown was a tight little thing as she threw off her black shirt. Loose gauze bound her chest. The lantern light caught on the light hairs surrounding her navel and trailing up her flat stomach to the white wrappings, the topmost loop of which was juuust open enough-

"Stop," she snapped.

"Yeah, yeah. The hell do I do? I think if I have another sip I'll, like, die." 

There was also the curve of her hips, how the lantern's flicker played its soft and warm light over her skin disappearing into her waistband-

"Dare," he managed.

"I dare you to claw out your own fucking eyes."

He blinked and stared at his hands. "Shit."

Rain doubled over laughing. She stumbled, hit the floor, and lay on her back still busting a gut. He started in with her. She said, "Dumbass."

"How'd you know the nickname my friends gave me?"

They broke down into a new fit. 

"I dare you to drink more," she said.

"Huh? That's gotta be against the rules!"

"Fuck your rules."

"Can't argue with that," he said, and he drank. He couldn't taste it anymore. Probably he was dying or something, but what a way to go. "Your turn."

She pushed up off the floor. "Dare."

The lantern was low and sputtering. He leaned into the dark and said, "Touch me."

Her eyes widened, the reflected spot of orange like a sunburst sky. He laughed and ran his hand through his hair. "No, that was stupid, I-"

But she was approaching him, cautious like a feral animal attracted to proffered food. He stood stock still. She studied him from his ice-blue locks long enough to fall in his face to his warm hazel eyes to his bare chest. Her fingertip pressed onto his sternum and traveled down, tracing the outline of his abs, leaving a hot touch in every trench. He realized he was hearing her breaths, loud and echoing, and he was holding his own without meaning to. She pressed her hand to his stomach, and he gasped, the incredible warmth of her enticing a shiver throughout all of him.

"You know," she whispered, her fingertips glancing up his chest to land on his shoulder, "I think it's your turn."

He could only remain upright and breathe.

"Kalin?" she said.

A shaky exhale left him. He laughed a little, and she squeezed his shoulder. "This is the greatest day of my life."

"Huh?"

"You said my name," he murmured, staring up at the ceiling. "And I've never heard it said better."

She clicked her tongue and turned away. "I can tell I'm drunk because that one kind of worked."

His arm looped around her waist. "How much?"

She shook him off, and he stepped back. She said, "Drink or don't. I'm still gonna win."

He took a swig. His vision went blurry for a few seconds but he managed to blink it away. "Ask away."

She met his eyes and said, "What do you want to do to me?"

His brows lifted and he had absolutely zero control over his stare landing on her chest, on the gauze-wrapped curves swelling and retreating with the rhythm of her breaths. She inched closer to him, licked her lips, and said, "Dare."

He pinched the end of the gauze above her cleavage and waited, the question in his eyes. Her fingers curled around his wrist and the smallest part of him, the still sober bit, expected his bones to snap. But she guided his hand to unwind the binding and free her bare skin. The white strips fell and curled around her feet. He stared at her and she at him, their exhales long and intermingling, the world silent outside the thrumming beats of their hearts.

She snuffed out the light with her bare fingertips and pressed her body to his. She kissed him and he tasted like bonfire smoke. He couldn't think beyond the need to be consumed by her heat like the damn match, left a burnt and useless nothing, and he didn't care. Her dark hair was silk through his fingers and he had to hold her ever closer. They fell onto the sleeping bag. The glow of the LED screens turned her eyes electric blue, and he grasped her face to brush his thumbs beneath them. She kissed him again and her fingers found his waistband. 

It's dark outside–a seemingly abrupt state but one that occurred gradually, the sunset a fleeting and dying beauty to behold.

/\/\/\/\/\/

"We can't keep running forever. What do we do?" Kalin slammed his fist into the alley wall, and his knuckles bled. The pouring rain filled the open wounds. "I don't know what the fuck to do!"

Rain sat slumped on the opposite side. The white roots of her hair showed on the crown of her head. The drizzle dripped down her face like stray tears. Blood mixed in the liquid from the cut on her cheek, the graze of a bullet. "The clothes factory?"

"Fucking Security knows about it, and about your power plant. The hideout, too. Shit. That explosion got you away from the firing squad but brought more of those fuckers out of the woodworks. Where do we go?"

"If I turn myself in-"

"Don't give me that shit. We go down, we go down together."

"I wouldn't be anybody without you!" she said. "You have to keep going, even if I-"

He took her hand between his. "You're everything, whether I'm there or not. Let's get going. Hard to hear with the rain, so we gotta stay on the move."

They climbed the rooftops. Flashlights attached to assault rifles cut through the storm. Shouts rang out but the downpour drowned them. Rain and Kalin ran from building to building, offering minimal exposure. Bullets fired. Glass shattered by them. They hit the deck and scrambled outside the back exit.

A horde of Securities awaited them. A pair filtered in from behind and jabbed them forward with their barrels. Rain followed Kalin's lead by holding up her empty hands. The Securities surrounding them were all poised and ready to fire their uncountable weapons. 

A voice crackled over their comms. The Security wearing a scarf clicked his radio, saying, "Roger."

All fronts fired at once. Rain screamed but the bullets whizzed past her and tore Kalin apart. The onslaught ceased. She dove to his side and gathered him in her arms but he was gone, gone. She roared and threw out her deck, touching every card. An army of monsters filled the sky. Dragons blasted Securities and blades stabbed clean through bulletproof vests. A panicked Security fired wildly, automatic weapon churning out bullet after bullet. Several Securities fell yet the attack of the enraged monsters did not end.

Scarlet blossomed from Rain's chest. She collapsed in a splash of water. The endless gray sky brought her back to that day so long ago it felt like decades past rather than months.

How love slows time.

Her breaths weakened, and her heartbeat slowed.

It doesn't have to end like this.

Violet blazed from both Rain and Kalin's forearms. The mark of the Giant glowed, and fuchsia flames ate away at their bodies until nothing remained.

----------------------

(reminder I’m just a writer, artist credit in alt text!)

OC week has been so great!!! I’ve loved seeing and reading about all your blorbos <3 (and I’m in a few nice OC spaces if anyone wants in/ to add on discord, anx)

[actuallyacerrr]

🤡🎶🙋‍♀️💖🏆👀📚🥰

(ALSO FREE COMPLIMENT: I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH IT IS ADORABLE AND SWEET AND AHHHHHH <3333)

Oh my gosh ty Amor 😭 <33

🤡: A line I wrote like a year ago for a random prompt when i was fixated on another oc. No context but "Since when did you get a kid?!"

🎶: Depending on where and what i’m writing. But I definitely have playlists i listen to as well as character playlists. But my main playlist (which is 100+ hours.)

🙋‍♀️: Yea and no. Only one irl person (and the only person) has my tumblr, only know of my tumblr and know I write just not what.

💖: Reading fanfics was my start into it. I’d write a few things here and there that were short and original, then I began on ocs and then I started writing actual fanfic. I’m ashamed to amit I started with dsmp and wrote a 4k+ word chapter that was later abandoned and lost.

🏆: Two, a bunch of Ninjago headcanons but there’s also a Bay!Donnie x Reader I wrote that’s pretty popular!!

👀: OK YIPPE You get two because why tf not!! One is 2012!Boys headcanons and they’re in a poly relationship with reader (no tcest because ew) I’ll really excited to delve into that dynamic with jealousy and how’d they treat you or try to one up each other. It’ll be interesting lowkey freaked out when I got it as a poly person. And ofc the bearaph mental health day. Where Beas kinda feeling shitty and it’s late. Raph comes over and they talk, kinda just a heart felt time that ends up with them being goofy and falling asleep together >:)

📚: Maybe, I will admit I was working on my own story before, fantasy with fae, magic, dragons, etc. Kallan and Riyon are my babies fr I love them. 😭 AND A NONBINARY MC BECAUSE FUCKIN WHY NOT?!?! >:DDD

🥰: YES YES YES Literally always!!! I love reader interactions!! Questions, comments, reblogs, literally feel free to comment and reblog add ons to my writing like say I write a leo fic and you have thoughts feel free to comment or reblog and add em X3.

[ashwithapen]

yooo writer questions tag!!

thank you @yesireadbooks

no pressure tagging @leisoree @palebdot @tea-and-mercury @the-stray-storyteller

clean questions list at the bottom below the cut!!

1) What motivates you to write?

hmm good question... motivation has always been a really tricky thing for me in every aspect of my life (which more recently i learned could be in part because of dual adhd+autism), but at the end of the day, it usually comes down to want, one way or another. i want to write to define these ideas and characters and places i can't stop thinking about. i want to write because the song playing demands i do so. i want to write to prove that i can do it, even when i doubt myself, even when i convince myself that everybody thinks i'm worth shit. i want to write because i've never been much of a speaker, and with a pen, i can tell you what my lips never will. so a combination of all of that, i think.

2) A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud/happy of. If not maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them)

ooh ok. honestly, i have quite a few lines that i'm quite proud of, that i go back to however long later and have to pause at because Damn, I Wrote That?? but a recent one was actually in an email—of all things—that i sent to our therapist in which i ended up writing ~4k words just to explain something we've been keeping very private for a very long time. i had been doing that thing where you try your best to explain yourself away before you even get to the whole point, and when i realised that i was just going in circles and sounding pathetic, i cut myself short with this absolutely banging one-liner:

all this prelude as if it will soften my casket.

like daaamn i sound Philosophical and Poetic and shit :0

3) Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them and what are they like?

there is this one dork (affectionate) that i made a few years back for a thing that never went anywhere, but i keep him around in case an opportunity comes up. his name is Scott Thomas and he was originally a sorcerer in training. he's a teen (he was going to be a part of a series that spanned about 6 years), has a secret alcohol problem, enjoys not sleeping, and is a professional couch surfer. he has a little sister who the reader wouldn't have even known about until his dying words where he asks the protagonist to go save her from his childhood home which, upon visiting, reveals that his other-worldly hilarity was a classic result of trauma and abuse. he's just a silly, classic-vans-wearing, hoodie-dwelling, guy. the type to try and fix a bullet wound with a bandaid. love that kid lmao

4) What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

it's a small thing, but the moment when you have The Idea that is The Best Idea You've Ever Fucking Had. getting to sketch out the idea, seeing it fit into the plot, figuring out how everyone reacts to it and in what ways it changes the story. the excitement of it all, that "i can't wait" when you think about how your readers are going to react to what's happening. ugh i love it <33

5) What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

again, the little things. the add-ons tied to the backs of sentences with em dashes, the palpability of every emotion as dictated by whichever little inflexion that character lives with, the pauses in the conversation where the birds chirp outside. just whatever i can do to try and make it feel like a real sensory experience and not just words on a page, whether it be the temperature of the air or the traffic in the streets.

6) What is something in the writeblr community is most enjoyable?

i like how people here are excited about what they do. i like seeing people be endorsed with their own worlds and so willing to share about them.

7) A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

OMG OK so i'm shit at reading lmao, so everything i write is written just freestyle, fuck it all, forget the spelling, just get it on the page. then it goes through Grammarly, just for spelling (i don't like when it tries to rewrite my sentences or tell me that my grammar is poor. i'm good with grammar and neglecting to use an "and" there was a stylistic choice, get off my back.) (i've been using the free Chrome extension for everything i've ever put effort into writing), and then i reread it with the help of text-to-speech for any words that Grammarly might have missed because they are technically spelt correctly, but they just weren't the word i was trying to write anyways, and for anything that sounds a bit funny out loud sentence-structure wise. for someone without a beta reader, Grammarly and Read Aloud (the Chrome TTS extension i use) literally save my illiterate ass time and time again lmao. even my emails, even my essays, sometimes even longer posts on here (like this one lol)

8) A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law etc)

tbh most of my stories have relatively modern settings (which makes sense because i typically write psychodramas rather than fantasy or sci-fi, so most of my "worldbuilding" consists of me googling shit like "how long is the train journey from Brighton to Newcastle" lmaoo), but i did have an unfinished world i made not even for writing purposes, just for daydreaming, called Aldenhors which i still have an unfinished digital map of (made with Inkarnate). maybe i finish it before school starts back... anywho, Aldenhors had a unique calendar: 16 months a year, 20 days a month, 5 days a week, 20 hours a day (roughly 8 light, twelve dark). the months were named Annua, Verlo, Manna, Klaus, Jaes, Deboh, Firen, Liero, Caden, Temma, Fento, Quazo, Sprill, Wideo, Oraah, and Ulyss. which month you are born in determines what you will be innately skilled at and in which way you use/channel your power depends on your race. the majority of the inhabitants of Aldenhors live to the west of the Wyvviet Mountains and nobody crosses over to the east because it is said that horrors await there.

9) What piece of advice would you say to encourage others to write if they are having a rough patch?

pretend you are creating a rant post about some media that isn't yours that the most recent episode/chapter/whatever of was released and you are a theorist. start with something like "okay so recently in [WIP name], X and Y did so and so and now X doesn't know how to feel about Y, right? well, i think that..." and just pretend to be taking part of a mass discussion happening online. keep going until you hit something golden, then write that golden patch into the real story. get yourself excited for what happens next. be your own fan. if you don't like what you're writing, then how can you expect anybody else to? some more advice is to pick up an idle hobby like crocheting, make a playlist with the vibes of your WIP, sit down, and just go at it, thinking the whole while about your OCs and your setting and all that jazz.

10) Tag some people whose works you love/have been your biggest supporters:

in terms of people whose work i love, there are two people in particular who come to mind. @inkskinned, i love the way you articulate absolutely everything that i've read of yours. one day I'll crack the code and reach your level. @thechildoflightning, although you've moved on from tumblr, your encompass series on ao3 is one of my favourite literary works ever and it will never cease to inspire me. thank both of you. when it comes to my own supporters, i'd want to tag every single person who has liked even one of my posts about any of my WIPs. as that's not possible, i'll have to name some people in particular, however, neither of these two people has a tumblr to my knowledge. anyhow, thank you to the two guest users "!lurk" and "The-Kings_prince" on ao3. without your two names littering my inbox sporadically, i know for a fact i would not have written quite as much as i have by this point.

and that concludes this essay! :D

clean question list below :)

1) What motivates you to write?

2) A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud/happy of. If not maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them)

3) Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them and what are they like?

4) What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

5) What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

6) What is something in the writeblr community is most enjoyable?

7) A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

8) A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law etc)

9) What piece of advice would you say to encourage others to write if they are having a rough patch?

10) Tag some people whose works you love/have been your biggest supporters:

[thomine]

AUTHOR'S COMMENTARY; like a ripple in a pond

Index

fic basic stats

notes

deviation

title

overall

⠀

Basic Stats

pairing: heizou / reader

time: i started working on this fic a day after valentine's day... so this fic took months.

total word count: 18k words, close to 19k words. i know... i'm shocked myself... but it makes sense considering this fic had 6 drafts. 5 drafts just for fleshing out the story and the 6th to touch up on the 5th draft.

deviation: 4/5

*deviation from original is on a scale of 1-5, 1 being there was no change and 5 being it was completely changed.

⠀

Notes

i was so close to giving up on this fic. but i badly wanted to write something for heizou and this was the only idea i had for him. i didn't want to add any more wips, lol. but, somehow, after my friend briefly lamented about the heizou drought, i had this conviction that i would get this heizou fic written. i partially did the heizou hang out and suddenly, the story i was battling with for 4 drafts came together in the 5th. it's not magic, but writing really feels like magic sometimes, haha. wrote 4k words in one sitting, and then proceeded to add and adjust it for the fic to be what it is. i'm really excited to share this because i wanted to break through and write longer fics, and this is proof that i can do it! so i'm really happy!

⠀

Deviation

now, with 5 drafts... you might be wondering... what the heck happened? a lot. a lot changed and a lot stayed. you can check out my thoughts as i worked on the story through this tag on my wip blog.

this was originally supposed to be a valentine's day fic, because i had this idea of using valentine's day couple promotions. the idea was fake dating, with heizou and reader pretending to be a couple to get some delicious katusdon, only for heizou to not appear for the next year. that year, reader, determined to get the discount, went with a random stranger they could rope into their plan. it worked, but unfortunately, the rules changed the next year where couples have to prove their relationship. this made heizou kiss reader and they go back and talk about the kiss because, surprise, surprise, both of them actually liked each other!

but the reason why it was not working was... the more i wrote, the harder it was to justify why heizou disappeared for that one year. and details were just not aligning with each other. for example, a year's time is very long. so what if someone appears with different partners? a lot can happen in a year. and i couldn't write the ending scene where reader comes to their senses and realise they do like heizou.

as i was fumbling for ideas, i remembered the titles that a good friend of mine gave. one of them was LIES, AND THE TRUTH THEY REVEAL, so i started leaning more towards the idea of reader lying about their feelings.

unfortunately, that did not work out too well. but, one day, as i was just chilling, i had this sudden thought that... when you're infatuated with someone, sometimes you'll lie to yourself to go to certain places so that you can bump into them. it's a little bit like stalking but this point is for another story. i tried to expand on the idea that reader was visiting places that heizou would be... but heizou was really hard to track down... like. he would only be found if he wanted to be found, so reader's efforts wouldn't be fruitful (unless i went full stalker route with the story, which i played around with for a while). this was the start of the 4th draft iirc…

at one point i decided not to have a kiss scene. (sorry, my only idea of romance is kissing.) as i started expanding on this idea of "going somewhere in hopes to bump into the person you like"... somehow the kiss scene came back, LOL.

playing heizou's story quest really helped as i managed to pick out traits he liked in a person, as well as his mentality and attitude towards some things, which also sort of explained why the first idea didn't work out for him. probably another character, but not heizou.

welp. so in conclusion, the story deviated a lot. the kiss scene stayed, and reader's reluctance to admit they liked heizou also stayed. or more like liking heizou is a dangerous game, something i wrote half-heartedly in one of my earlier drafts. i even shared that snippet but i wasn’t sure why i felt that paragraph was good. i guess that's the core of the fic?

⠀

Title

some might have realised that... the title in my WIP masterlist is not the same as the title i ended up going with. another title i considered was UN-CON A CON MAN. however, the story somehow did not involve a lot of lying at all? or at least, if i were to use the titles for a story, i would like it to have more lying and scheming involved, which this fic does not. so i went through my list of titles and stumbled upon LIKE RIPPLES IN A POND. i don't really know why i was drawn to it, but i chose it, and it made draft 5 really smooth.

it was only during the beta phase did i think deeper about the connection between the title and the story. i quite like the implications because what i came up with was... in heizou's point of view, ripples can only happen if another ripple happened. like, there needs to be a sequence of events, which ties to his disbelief in coincidence. a lot of the fic talks or briefly mentions how reader and heizou meet each other again. everything is supposed to feel like a coincidence but if you think about it, it's not. it's because of a previous action that laid the foundation for the next, and the next.

for reader's point of view... i added it somewhere in the story but they are compared to a ripple because their actions are small but make a large impact. the character of reader is someone pretty submissive or unwilling to hear their own feelings, so they have a lot of pent up emotions and desires that they don't voice, and this is something only intuitive and observant heizou noticed in the story. (bertha doesn't count because reader had to say it for her to be like... oh... oh man :( you need to speak up!! she probably would not have learned of this if she didn't pester reader about them rejecting her invitations to tour the city together. i don't know if i made that clear.)

do i wish i incorporated the title more closely with the writing style? a little, but at the same time i wanted the fic to focus more on the mystery than the poetry, and i do not have the skills to weave both poetic prose with the sense of... mystery. if that make sense.

⠀

Overall

again, sometimes writing feels like magic. i don't really know how to explain how i got from one point to another. most of it is done by instinct or feelings that something is right and something is wrong. another thing is... sometimes i don't even know the meaning of some decisions until much later, when i can piece back the dots. it can be really frustrating to write like that, but i think it's also equally satisfying because you'll be surprised by what you can do.

i hope to be able to write more fics like these! and also be able to sharpen my eyes to eventually write long fics more smoothly. or to also train myself to have a bit more control in senses so i can be more directive with writing rather than just "go with the flow". (balance is good.)

this is probably the most i've written for a story. it's pretty encouraging, haha.

[invidiosa]

The untold story of Last Night, Don McKellar’s Canadian classic, 25 years later

from a Globe & Mail Article for TIFF 2023 first published Sept 3, 2023

If it were your last night on earth, what would you do and who would you do it with?

Twenty-five years ago, Don McKellar’s debut film Last Night screened at the Toronto International Film Festival, where it was awarded Best Canadian First Feature. The poignant, perceptive drama about an unspecified imminent apocalypse, which also won McKellar a prize at Cannes, was acclaimed internationally as inspired counterprogramming to the loud American sci-fi disaster films of the same year, Deep Impact and Armageddon.

At the beginning of Last Night, the character played by Sandra Oh enters a deserted store looking for some wine for her final dinner. Among the looted shelves, two bottles remain. After deliberating between them, she picks one, while politely placing the other vintage back where she found it.

“That’s how you know it’s a Canadian film,” former TIFF executive director Wayne Clarkson said later.

That representation of Canadians – decorum in the face of doom – is key to Last Night’s considerable charm. “I wanted to tease the Canadian perspective but also validate it,” says McKellar, who also wrote and acted in the film. “Instead of Americans writing off Canadian cinema as passive, I wanted to say that there is value in reflection and moderation and community and tolerance.”

The film was recently digitally restored and will soon be released in its new 4K form. To celebrate its 25th anniversary, The Globe and Mail spoke with McKellar and others involved with the production of a Canadian classic which just might be the most civilized movie to watch on the last night of the civilized world.Open this photo in gallery:

The representation of Canadians – decorum in the face of doom – is key to Last Night’s considerable charm.Cylla von Tiedemann/Handout

Last Night was commissioned in 1997 by Paris-based production company Hout et Court for an international anthology series marking the turn of the millennium. Though it was supposed to be a one-hour television show, McKellar and Canadian co-producers Rhombus Media decided to make a feature film instead.

McKellar: I did make an hour version which had to be broadcast first on television in some territories. But, then, when the full feature film went to Cannes, it caused some friction. I thought Hout et Court would be excited, but it was very bureaucratic in France, and the government money was coming from the television side, not the film side. There was a bit of a conflict.

The French anthology project (2000, Seen By...) was intended to spotlight young directors – the new wave for the new millennium. Representing Canada was McKellar, a well-known actor and writer who previously directed the 1992 short Blue.

Canadian co-producer Niv Fichman: I wasn’t fazed by Don’s lack of experience at all. We were all boldly entering a new era. Originally, Don wasn’t sure he would be the lead character, but I really encouraged him to do it.

Although the film’s casting went smoothly, one famous Canadian actor was briefly in the running for the role of Craig Zwiller, who spends his final hours fulfilling a sexual bucket list.Open this photo in gallery:

The film is about an unspecified imminent apocalypse.Handout

McKellar: Everyone in the film was my first choice. But I had a bit of pressure on me to consider Keanu Reeves for the role I wanted for Callum Keith Rennie. I knew Callum – he was exciting. But out of obligation I approached Keanu. He said no, but that maybe he’d be interested in my part.

Rennie was well known for his punk-rocker role in Bruce McDonald’s Hard Core Logo and as a cast member on the CTV series Due South. He had not been in many sex scenes.

Rennie: It’s a bit intimidating. These scenes are delicate and fun and sensitive and weird. My brother told me I should have given him a bare-behind warning before he saw the film. I’ve done a lot more killing than kissing on screen in my career. It’s either the nature of the business or it’s the nature of my face, I can’t tell.

The character played by Sandra Oh is told that she “looks like a movie star.”Open this photo in gallery:

The film was screened at the Toronto International Film Festival 25 years ago, where it was awarded Best Canadian First Feature.Handout

McKellar: I’d met Sandra at a film festival in Taiwan, and I knew I wanted to work with her. She was on the HBO comedy series Arliss, but I thought she had romantic-lead potential.

Cinematographer Douglas Koch: When we were shooting these really emotional scenes between Sandra and Don, we were shooting over Sandra’s shoulder. She was off camera for all intents and purposes. With the camera on Don, tears would be pouring out of her eyes. She was totally giving it to the actor, Don, who was actually on screen. I’d heard of great actors doing that, but to see it was incredible. You realized this was an actor who does not stop.

The great Canadian director (and occasional actor) David Cronenberg was cast in a role that was to die for.

McKellar: I was representing Canada with the film, and it was set in Toronto. I always thought of David as representing this very contained Canadian personality type that had something dark going on behind. And, also, because of his own films, he represented something important to me about Canada.

Koch: We all enjoyed filming the death of Cronenberg’s character. We don’t see his death, but we do see the gory aftermath. I remember the camera above him as he was lying on this weird shag carpet in a huge pool of blood. We were all thinking, ‘We killed David Cronenberg – this is fantastic.’Open this photo in gallery:

Those who made Last Night recall a golden era of Canadian independent film.Handout

McKellar: At one point, I was seriously considering calling the film Whimper. I think I even had it on the script at one point until Cronenberg said to me, ‘You’re not seriously thinking of going with that, are you?’

The film was made for $2.3-million.

Rennie: I was still green. I was blown away working with David Cronenberg, Geneviève Bujold and Sandra Oh. There was the unity on set of doing a good thing on a shoestring budget.

Fichman: Actors always think the budgets are shoestring. Maybe they think there wasn’t enough water in their trailer. The budget wasn’t huge, but it wasn’t shoestring.

During the last hours of mankind, a radio DJ counts down his favourite 500 songs, including the Guess Who’s Glamour Boy, written by Burton Cummings.

McKellar: I love Glamour Boy. I was very pleased that when the Last Night soundtrack album was released, a British magazine trumpeted the song as the discovery of an unheralded glam-rock classic. I met Burton Cummings at a dinner and I told him how much I loved that song, but I felt he doubted my sincerity.

The film attracted a lot of notice at Cannes, where the now disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein was given his own screening.

McKellar: While we were waiting for him to come out of the screening, his second-in-command turned to me and said, ‘If Harvey wants your film, can I tell you something? Don’t give it to him.’ I asked him why. He said, ‘Just trust me, you don’t want to work with this man. He’ll take your film and he may never release it. He just wants to own it.’ I thought it was very strange.

Those who made Last Night recall a golden era of Canadian independent film.

McKellar: At the time, we were still battling for cinemas. We felt an obligation to make films that Canadians would respond to at the box office. Now Canadian cinema has given up on that, and so has Telefilm.

Rennie: It was such a great time to be doing independent Canadian films. It was a graceful set with a lot of ease, and asking questions and getting answers. There were opportunities to experiment. I thought it would be that way forever, but it wasn’t.

[walkawaytall]

For the fic ask game:

16. Is there a commonly held misconception about one of your stories that you’d like to correct for the masses? (I know of one and thought you might want an excuse to say it. 😎)

17. What does your editing process look like?

16. So, I think I actually may have touched on this answering number 20 (at least if I'm thinking of the same conversation that you are about Han's motivations in Purpose of Heritage thus far)? And, aside from that, I don't think there have been many widely-held misconceptions -- though there have definitely been different responses to certain things than I expected (like, more than one person saw Reconstitution as a bit of a downer and that was...the exact opposite of my intent with that story...but we all bring our own experiences to the stories we read, so I'm not going to say their reading is wrong per se, just that I intended for the ending of that rather melancholy fic to have a hopeful slant to it, even in the midst of life's imperfections).

Oh! Actually, I though of another one: there are moments in Purpose of Heritage specifically where Leia's straight-up wrong. Like, she is our heroine, our main character, our beloved space princes, but she's also 19/20/21 years old and traumatized and very specifically not dealing with said trauma in healthy ways at least 50% of the time (her eschewing therapy repeatedly is not supposed to be viewed as a super-great alternative to, you know, going to therapy), and there have been moments that people have clocked as Leia being a badass -- and they aren't wrong -- but I also see them as Leia's cool, together facade cracking in a way that isn't good technically.

Like, we love Leia, so the scene at the shooting range where she uses Varner Coy's blaster to shoot a line of bullseyes does feel badass and empowering and a little cathartic because that guy has been a jerk, but it's also Leia losing her cool entirely and giving into an impulsivity that I don't see as a good thing for someone in leadership to do. I didn't stick immediate consequences in there because I'm not writing an after-school special, but...just because Leia doesn't always have negative consequences for a thing doesn't mean that I included it with the intent that it was supposed to be seen as totally awesome, full-stop. Sometimes it's partially awesome, and partially a big red flag. And maybe I should be more obvious about this; I don't know. I just am not writing a morality tale exactly, so I don't want to steer the narrative into an area that makes it feel clunky or preachy.

17. For normal-length things like one-shots or Collateral, a multichapter with chapters that are a sane length (4K-6K words): I write the thing, I read the thing and edit as I read. I may or may not edit while I write; it depends on how long it is, how long it takes me to write, if any parts are giving me issues. (Like, if I get really, really stuck, I'll start on a fresh document and copy/paste different sentences and paragraphs until I can get back into a good rhythm, and in the midst of all of that, editing happens as well). I basically read and edit things several times until I'm either 1. Entirely happy with it (rare) or 2. Tired of looking at it and no longer debating about changing anything (more common).

For Purpose of Heritage, I did an unhinged and probably short-sighted thing where I wrote what was originally two chapters, decided I preferred them together, and combined them, setting a precedent for myself to write chapters that are 8K-10K words long (and that is legitimately where I've felt each chapter has a natural stopping point -- like, I'm not padding stuff to get to a certain word count. Most of the chapters, I suppose, could be split in half, but we're so far beyond that at this point, I'm just resigned to writing giant-ass chapters until this project is complete). I used to reread everything every time I set out to write a new chapter to try to ensure I didn't go off-the-rails tonally, but when that became too cumbersome, I think you were the one that mentioned having your phone read what you'd written aloud, and I use that not just to review past chapters, but also to edit (so, thank you for that suggestion if that was you, DP!). It helps me identify clunky wording and sometimes straight-up inconsistencies.

So, I usually write and edit as I write, then reread the whole chapter and edit, have my phone read it and mentally dogear what needs to be looked at and edit those pieces when I can, and then read it another time and occasionally have a beta reader (thanks for the times you've helped with this, by the way!) assure me that I haven't gone off the rails entirely if I keep worrying about one particular aspect, edit again with any beta reader suggestions in mind, and finally publish when I'm either as pleased as I'm going to be with it or I can't bring myself to read it again. I do usually try to make sure there is at least a night where I ignore the chapter entirely before doing one final editing pass-through before I post. Giving my brain a chance to not think about it helps me catch errors I missed on earlier read-throughs, and also usually helps me realize that I haven't, in fact, written a pile of garbage.

Thanks for the questions! Sorry these answers are so dang long!

fanfic writer asks

[wwwkissu]

i wrote 4k of an original story im working on 🥹🫶🍾 not my typical writing style so i get to go crazy with it. im super happy and proud of myself