#i’ll take that but good grief why can’t i just not feel like i have zero shit under control

[janiedean]

me looking at stannis baratheon 99% of the time: i’m this picture and i dont like it

me looking at stannis baratheon 1% of the time: i’m this picture and i don’t particularly like it and our coping methods are unhealthy af but hey at least it means i can somewhat function it could be worse

[quintsmachete]

what in the goddamn

[lesbiansaaviik]

Can I be beautifully honest with you guys? I hate 91 Whiskey and So Says the Sword

[riseatlantisss]

The end we start from

Pairing : Astarion x female!reader/Tav Around 1,8 words Takes place after the events in Cazador's palace in act 3 (non-ascended Astarion, established relationship) Angst with a happy ending (and loooots of sex) <3

Astarion doesn’t feel good enough. you show him he’s everything.

TW : 18+ MDNI, unprotected sex, very angry/angsty/rough sex, fingering, mature language, mentions of death and depression, mentions of blood

A/N : when i don’t work, i do two things: i take care of my dog and i play BG3. i don’t eat. i don’t sleep. i don’t socialize. i just play BG3. and I write stuff about *him*.

Astarion is many things. Quiet is not one of them. But lately, that’s all he’s been, and you’ve been worrying about him night and day. Tonight is no exception. You wake up in the middle of the night and realize two things : not only is Astarion’s side of the bed empty but the sheets and pillows are untouched, uncrumpled. His side hasn’t been slept in. This isn’t right. Of course, he doesn’t really need to sleep but he always, always lays next to you at night, spooning you, playing with your hair and whispering sweet I love yous in your ear until you fall asleep. His absence means something’s off. Unable to shake off the anxiety, you get up in one swift motion, determined to find him. No chance you’re falling back asleep now anyway.

Your bare feet hit the cold marble floor and you shiver as you make your way accros the bedroom in a hurry. You think of searching outside in case he went for a hunt, but it turns out you don’t have to look too far. There he is, silently leaning against the wall by the window, gazing into the pitch-black night of the Underdark. The light in the room is so dim that you couldn’t even spot him from your bed. You approach him and your heart breaks a little when you notice the lingering sadness in his crimson eyes, enhanced by the faint light of the burning candles next to him.

You want to ask him if he’s ok but it’s obvious he’s not so instead, you remain silent and close the space between the two of you, wrapping your arms around him and gently resting your head on his shoulder.

“What are you thinking about?” You ask softly after a while, your voice barely above a whisper.

Astarion averts his gaze and gives you a faint smile, nothing but a twist of lips.

“Nothing,” he replies. “I’m just being selfish, as usual. Forgive me, y/n.”

You frown and stare at him incredulously. “You’re not selfish,” you say, surprised at how intensely he means it. “Why would you even say that?”

“I –” He pauses, rethinks his words. This does nothing to make you less worried. “I caused you great pain,” he finally says. “I put you in danger. Repeatedly, ever since we met. You could have died a hundred times and it would have been my own, entire fault.”

You look up to him and feel a lump form in your throat. You have never seen him look like this – grief in his eyes and etched into the lines of his face.

“I’m not dead, Astarion. I’m right here with you.” You say as you wrap your arms around his neck. He makes a sound somewhere near a sob and your arms tighten.

“But I did put you in danger and now you’re stuck with me for eternity, in the middle of nowhere, and you—" Again, he stops. He’s bad at this, at talking about emotions. But he fights through it because it’s you. And nothing can be left unsaid between the two of you. Not after everything that’s happened. “You deserve so much better. You deserve the world, and I can’t give it to you.” You’re not sure where this conversation is going but you don't want to find out. His lower lip quiver but he goes on, words spilling out of him like blood from a wound. “I can’t give it to you, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for it. It’s killing me all over again.” You crumble under each one of his words. His lips are trembling now and you can’t stand it. You can’t but you can’t do him the dishonor of looking away either.

“Astarion, I chose this life.” Your hands flutter to his face, each one cupping a cold cheek, forcing him to look at you. Your heart is pounding, and you know he can feel it. “I had a choice; I could stay, or I could run, and I chose you. I’m not stuck here. I’m home.”

Astarion heaves a faltering breath in an attempt at composure. “Sometimes I think you would be happier without me. Better off.” He barely mouths the words, but you hear them all distinctively, nonetheless. “You should go and leave me here. Walk in the sun. Be happy and live your life.” You draw your hands away from his face and he steps back, speaking louder now.

“It won’t get any better in here,” he continues, gesturing urgently around the room. “It’ll always be cold and dark, I’ll always be a blood-thirsty monster. I belong to the shadows, and I’ll never be able to make you happy, so you might as well just leave.”

His words knock the air out of your lungs and, for a moment, you cannot breathe. You feel your pulse pounding in your veins and blood thrumming under your skin as your heartbreak turns into anger. That fucking idiot, you think, looking up at him through eyes blurred with tears.

“You don’t know what makes me happy. You don’t,” you shout, surprised by the vehemence in your voice. "And you certainly don't get to speak for me." Astarion looks at you in such confusion that you almost feel bad for a moment, but you continue.

“You – you make me happy, Astarion, gods you do. I would rather live an eternity in the Underdark with you than one more day in the fucking sun.” Your heart is clenching in your chest, and you can feel the heat pooling in your cheeks. “By no means would I be better off, let alone happier, without you. I can’t believe that you could even think –” You trail off and sigh in frustration. You can’t bring yourself to scream at him any longer because that’s all he’s ever known before you, screams and shouts and abuse, and you can’t do this to him. But that doesn’t leave you with many options to get through to him. Astarion opens his mouth to say something, but you don’t let him.

Without warning you grab his shirt to pull him close and your lips crash into his, knocking the breath out of both of you with the force that you collide with. It only fuels your rage because the moment his lips are on yours, you can’t help thinking that you almost lost this once and you can’t actually lose it. You won’t let that happen. So you kiss him harder. It’s rough and desperate and sloppy. It's harsh breath and biting teeth.

He turns you around and backs you against the wall. You take it rather hard, but you welcome the sting. Anything to shut him up about not being good enough for you. He crowds in closer, presses you even harder against the wall, shoving his knee between your thighs. His cold lips connect to your throat, making you eagerly tilt your head to give him access to your thrumming pulse dancing at your neck. You have absolutely no qualms about it. If he wants it, it’s his.

But he doesn’t take it. Instead, his mouth sucks and licks, making you squirm and rock your hips against him. You cling to him, grabbing his shoulders and sliding your hands down his shirt and to his back. He hoists you up like you weighed nothing and you wrap both legs around his waist. You tangle your hands in his curly silver hair and pull him forward to feel that mouth on yours again. His tongue running over your lip makes you grind faster, searching for more, more, more. You moan when his hand reaches beneath your gown and through your damp underwear.

Firm, icy fingers are stroking you into madness. You make a sound that’s close to a whimper, but more like a groan, because damn it, you are so impatient now. You are clenching – aching to have him inside.

He is gasping at the feeling of your fluttering around him, and you must be gasping too, but you’re not sure; your head falls back and it feels like you’re breathing, but you could just as well be drowning.

You dig your nails hard into his back - you need to channel the anger into something. Maybe you’ll be the one drawing blood this time. You lean forward to rest your dizzy head on his shoulder and groan in anticipation. Not wasting anymore time, he pushes his hard, large cock into you, going steadily until he’s all the way in.

“Harder. Fuck me harder.” You plead and he obeys.

He sets a pace that graces all the right spots, spurred on the increasingly desperate noises escaping your mouth. This is no effort at all for him, holding you up easily and fucking you hard with determination. But you can see it when you rest your forehead against his – the sheer weakness you feel is reflected right back at you and you know he needs this just as much as you do.

You are so close. You need to concentrate on breathing, just so you simply don’t die. Your lower back thuds against the wardrobe with your oh gods and fucks singing in tandem. The vampire trails open-mouthed kisses and little bites down your neck while maintaining the almost vicious pace in and out of you. Every stroke curls and loves and breaks you into submission. You forget to be angry because your release is in his hands and your body is desperately handing itself over to him.

Your thighs start to quiver around him, the sounds of wetness and the feeling of his own explosion of pleasure deep inside you taking you so high that eventually, you shatter into him. You’re so grateful for the strength holding you up, so you can fall apart.

Your repeatedly moan his name on your way back to consciousness, lips brushing softly against his pale skin.

Before you know what is happening, you break into a sob.

“Please…. Please don’t ever tell me to leave, ever again.” You try to articulate, your voice shaking uncontrollably.

He sinks down onto his knees, holding you in his lap and whispering, “Shh,” into your ear.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, his voice is low and full of gravel. He never sounded so sweet. “I love you, always have and always will. And you’re not going anywhere.”

[calliesmemes]

ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED COMEDIC RELIEF

ASSORTED QUOTES FROM TUMBLR TEXTPOSTS, X (formerly known as twitter) POSTS, TIKTOK, MEMES, AND OTHER SOURCES AROUND THE INTERNET

CHANGE gendered words and in-universe phrases as needed.

SPECIFY muse for multimuses.

“   Currently considering becoming a bother and a nuisance, maybe even a menace or a rascal. ”

“   Hungry? Eat the government. ”

“   Yes, I wanna fuck after every argument. ”

“   Silence, you uneducated peanut! ”

“  They should invent a being alive that isn’t so difficult. ”

“   Women have to think I’m hot or none of this matters. ”

“   Due to personal reasons I will be named an enemy of the state. ”

“   Being overdressed is a myth made up by people who didn’t want you to have fun and be sexy. ”

“   What even are daddy issues? Just traumatize your father back. ”

“   I LOVE complaining! You can’t take that away from me! ”

“   I went to the silly goose convention and they all knew you. ”

“   I’m simultaneously ‘I’m tired of this grandpa’ and ‘that’s too damn bad!’ ”

“   The word ew coming out of a pretty girl’s mouth holds so much power … I think that it can tear apart nations. ”

“   Someone made fun of my shoes and the whole time I just thought of ways to push them out the window. ”

“   If you’re short, simply get taller. ”

“   I better think twice? Buddy I don’t even think once. ”

“   My off putting looks, awkward demeanor, and strange behavior have captivated you. ”

“   There’s something deeply, fundamentally wrong with you. Can we kiss? ”

“   You are a fool. When you walk, clown music plays. ”

“   I mean yeah he’s evil and all but what if I were his favorite? ”

“   I really do hate thinking. ”

“   In my defense, I simply do not vibe with the law. ”

“   I’ve done nothing wrong. Except all the atrocities. Besides that, I’m innocent. ”

“   Sorry I couldn’t hear you over my internal monologue. ”

“   Of course you have white hair and trauma. ”

“   So apparently the bad vibes I’ve been feeling are actually ‘severe psychological distress’. ”

“   Stop calling me a bad person just because I’m orchestrating your downfall! ”

“   The more lip gloss I collect the longer I live. ”

“   Sorry that I am obsessed with you in the unhealthiest way possible. As if it's my fault ”

“   The multiple failed assassination attempts against me have helped build both character and self esteem. ”

“   I could be your loser boyfriend. Do you ever think about that? ”

“   Accidentally went and got myself killed yesterday, but god wont let me die so I’m back ”

“   What do you mean napping isn't a good coping mechanism? What do you mean my problems are still here? ”

“   Academic validation is required for my sanity. ”

“   RIP to everyone killed by the gods for hubris but I’m different and better. Maybe even better than the gods. ”

“   Researching the stages of grief to see if I can get them finished in ten minutes tops. ”

“   My parents were like I’m gonna make a child that is so beyond help. ”

“   It’s not easy to admit when you’re wrong, and that’s why I won’t do it. ”

“   Why can’t this family ever have a funky good time? ”

“   How do I show people that I’m more than my unethical career choice? ”

“   I fucked my way into this mess, and I’ll fuck my way out. ”

“   You look so biteable today. ”

“   Why am I suffering? I have so many correct opinions and takes. ”

“   I AM HAUNTED BY A PAST THAT I CANNOT GO BACK TO! anyways ”

“   Challenging authority, angering gods. The family business. ”

“   Third base is me telling you about my father. ”

“   Hey girl. Plagued by terrifying visions? ”

“   Got caught giving a fuck. Embarrassing. ”

“   I didn’t ‘miss’ the red flags; I saw them and thought that they looked sexy. ”

“   Do my dark circles and deteriorating health make me look hot? ”

“   I get my news from the only reliable source, cryptic symbolism in my dreams. ”

“   Another day of being a bisexual disaster. ”

“   I’m going to let myself be a little unhinged today, as a treat. ”

“   Some of you act like murder is such a big deal. ”

“   You wanna hunt me for sport so bad that it makes you look stupid. ”

“   You’re not a girlboss unless you’ve killed someone. ”

“   It’s so weird how no one ever has correct opinions about things except for me. ”

“   Hello, my love — I mean, my rival ”

“   No one is calling me baby and it’s outrageous I can’t believe it. ”

“   No talking stage. Mutual obsession and you see god in my eyes or nothing. ”

“   I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOOKUP CULTURE DIE IN MY ARMS ”

“   Yes baby your emotional walls are high and impenetrable can we kiss now? ”

“   Affection is disgusting. Drown me in it. ”

“   I am gatekeeping my respect from you. ”

“   Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions. ”

“   I am equal parts fuck around and find out and please don’t yell at me I’ll cry. ”

“   Short legs, big butt. I’m a corgi. ”

“   Fuck being the bigger person; I’m going to start biting people. ”

“   Well that wasn’t very slay of you! ”

“   May I please get a crumb of affection? ”

“   I crave power! Please don’t yell, though; I’m sensitive. ”

“   You call it a near death experience; I call it a vibe check from God. ”

“   Here are some scissors. Now cut it out. ”

“   Might commit a little tomfoolery, maybe even some shenanigans. ”

“   All these flavors, and you choose to be salty. ”

“   How can I live, laugh, love in these conditions? ”

“   What if I said ‘to be honest’ but then lied? ”

“   I'm financially at a stage where I understand why people do fraud. ”

“   Yes I may be evil and morally corrupt, but I’m also incredibly beautiful and I think that makes up for it honestly. ”

“   Debates are stupid. Why would I want to sit down and argue with someone blatantly dumber than me? ”

“   I forget but I do NOT forgive.. I'm just walking around hating bitches can't remember why ”

“   Ding dong your opinion is wrong! ”

“   I’m coming for your kneecaps. ”

“   You dropped your nose you fucking clown. ”

“   Are you a fire alarm? ‘Cause you are really fucking loud and annoying. ”

“   Call me an escalator, because I let people down. ”

“   I love me a good lesbian scandal! ”

“   If you can’t run away from your problems, you’re not running fast enough. ”

“   Everything I want to do is illegal. ”

“   Don’t make me hit your ankle with my Barbie scooter! ”

“   I tell gay jokes because I am a gay joke. ”

“   Fuck! I dropped my mental stability! ”

[kittyhui]

exes to lovers! seungcheol x reader

!!MDNI!!

[seungcheol ended your five year long relationship seemingly out of nowhere, leaving you heartbroken. two years after your breakup, you release your solo album, song written about the heartbreak you felt. now, seungcheol is trying to get your love back]

cw: idol x idol, angst w/ comfort, semi public sex, not grammar checked well😭

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“I think we should break up” is all Seungcheol says to you, sad in his eyes.

He walks out of your apartment, not staying to listen to your cries and pleads, asking for an explanation on why he was so suddenly doing this. He was a completely different person from the last time you saw him; his love-filled eyes replaced with cold and sad ones.

You tried to contact him multiple times after that; calls and messages never answered, leaving you and your heart shattered, your members having to pick up the pieces. A five year old relationship gone in a flash, without a reason, without even a thought of why. Did i do something wrong? Did he grow tired? Was there.. someone else? The situation hurt you so badly, that even fans could tell something was wrong. Your relationship was a secret from fans and from your company, save from the members. Your performance during promotions were off and it took you almost a full year to get back on your game, taking a hiatus at one time because it was just so bad. but you were feeling better now. It’s now past your two year breakup anniversary, and though you think about the good times of your old relationship, you weren’t consumed with grief anymore. You felt much better, better than ever. Better enough to release your first solo album, songs written from that time.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[interviewer] So, What was the thought process behind this album?

[Y/N] All these songs are a part of a giant collection of songs while i was going through a lot of feelings haha. Most of these were my inner thoughts and feelings that I couldn't express to anyone else so I wrote them out. they’ve only now came out because I was finally confident in myself and these songs after years and my members helped build my courage to share them with you all.

[Interviewer] I’m happy that you were finally able to overcome your fears with your songs.

[Y/N] Thank you so much

[Interviewer] Do you think you could go more in depth about the song meanings?

[Y/n] Yea, of course. The first song on the album can be interpreted in multiple ways in my opinion. When I wrote this, I was thinking about someone I loved truly. I wrote this wishing that the way they ended it could’ve been that we just fell out of love. I wanted us to be tired of each other, to just want it to be over and so I wrote this point of view wishing this was the reality, even though I knew how much I still loved them. It’s very sad and kinda pathetic but yea haha.

For the second track, I wrote this because in this same relationship, the way we broke up was so rushed and I was not ready for it. I felt like they didn’t even feel anything towards me anymore and it broke me down so much. By the end of the song, I kinda accept it as the end and try to let them go.

Ah~ This third track was actually wrote when i was first in that relationship. We were both falling hard and fast and I had to let it out in a way. I can’t really explain more.

[Interviewer] And lastly, the fully english track?

[Y/N] This one really talks about how even if I’ll be in another relationship in the future, I’ll only think about and try to find them in the other person. I wrote this the latest out of all of them. I knew I was still in love with this person even though it’s been years since the breakup but I know I’ll always see them as my first and only love even if they don’t see me the same way.

[Interviewer] These are all truly beautiful songs

[Y/N] Thank you

[Interviewer] We just have a few more questions before we say goodbye today. Firstly, You said these songs were in a collection of other songs, will you release the rest of them as well?

[Y/N] Maybe, I’m surprised I got away making this album so hopefully I can push my companies limits a tad more.

[Interviewer] Next question, This relationship you sing about seemed really intense. Was it a long one?

[Y/N] Yea, It dont think I can go into too many details but it was a pretty serious relationship. When it ended, I took it very hard. I liked them for a long time before too so it was rough haha

[Interviewer] Last question, Because you produce and write songs for your group, Have you ever wrote about this relationship in those songs?

[Y/N] Honestly I couldn’t tell you. I try not to because I’m still not the best about this relationship I was in but it’s probably slipped in a few songs unfortunately haha

[Interviewer] Thank you so much for coming onto my show today!

[Y/N] I’m honored to be asked here for an interview, thank you. I’d also like to say thank you to my fans and anyone else who is listening in! Please enjoy my new album!

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Needless to say, your interview was seen by alot of people. Neitzens have been picking it apart since it came out, speculating on the mystery person you were talking about. Your fans were both happy for you and angry for you; ready to fight the person who broke your heart. Though the publicity was great for your album sales and streams, the constant news was really tiring now, especially now that you were promoting at music shows. Music shows that your ex, S.Coups of Seventeen, was also promoting at with his group. Singing a song about your heartbreak in the same place of the person who hurt you so bad, was awkward to say the least. The waiting room of the music show was the worst. passing by him and his group makes your heart pound. His eyes follow you when you pass by each other. you try not to meet his eyes. Your heart just couldn’t handle it. Your still wanted him yet you hated him at the same time. You wanted to kiss him again but also wanted to hit him. The last conversation you both had together was him breaking up with you. He hurt you so badly yet you yearned for him.

So when he approached you before your performance, you felt conflicted.

“Y/n?” The familiar voice fills your ears and you look up at the man standing infront of your sitting figure.

“Seungcheol? What are you doing” You didn’t actually think he would speak to you again, but here he was.

“Can we- can we talk?” He pauses, licking his lips nervously “I know you probably never want to speak to me ever again but I just want a second of your time.”

“You really have horrible timing. I going on stage in a few minutes. Please don’t do this now. You had two years to talk about this,” You look away from his, glancing to the side “We can talk.. after the music show is over. Don’t expect too much, though” You stand and walk to the stairs of the stage and he sighs, agreeing to meet later on.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The music show ends entirely too quickly for your liking, leg bouncing nervously in your dressing room and when you hear a knock at the door you know it’s Seungcheol. You open the door, the man in front of you quickly walking in and closing the door again.

“Y/n..” He sighs

“Seungcheol,” You try to sound disinterested but inside you just want to hug him. “Please just say what you have to say”

“I just want to say I’m so sorry for the way I ended things. I know I hurt you beyond belief and it hurts that I hurt you. I watched your interview and.. god.. I care about you so much.. I never wanted to break up with you but I had to..” His eyes brim with tears and he lets out a haggard breath.

“Then why did you? Five years, Seungcheol. I loved you for five years, hell, I still love you after what you did, but, just why? I felt like I wasted all those years for nothing. I want to marry you… I wanted to have everything with you.. You were my first everything and you hurt me like I was nothing..” You were choking on your tears at this point, the salty liquid pooling in you lips “You were more than just a boyfriend to me, Seungcheol. You were the love of my life.”

“Y/n.. I.. I didn’t break up because I wanted to.. your company found out.. they threatened your career if I didn’t break up with you.. I tried to convince them to let us be, but they were persistent and my company was pressuring me as well.. I shouldve fought for you more.. I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you what was happening but… I was a coward. I never stopped loving you, y/n.. You’re the love of my life too. I had every intention of being with you until the day I died, and I want to fight for you now even though I didn’t before.”

The shock of what he said lingers in your mind. You look at him without saying anything. He sat down next to you, letting you process his words. After some time you finally spoke.

“I dont know what to say,” You start “I believe you even though that means my company did this too me but.. I dont know. I want to forgive you. I want you, Cheol. I want you to be in my life again. but it took me so long to recover from this. I dont know if we’ll ever be what we were before,” He looks down at his feet in defeat “But we can try..” He looks up at you again, eyes brightening.

He finally smiles, “You dont understand how badly I missed you…” He hugs you tightly before looking into your eyes and then looking down at your lips “can I..” You nod slowly, waiting for his lips to touch yours.

He kisses your lips with hunger, holding on to you for fear you might run away “Missed you.. Misses your touch.. ‘m so sorry, my love” He pushes you flat on the couch you were sitting on, kissing you face and neck with desire. He missed this so much. “I love you, baby. Please let me make you feel good.. Love you..” You whine at his words, hips grinding up at his.

“l-love you too, Cheolie.. Please.. Need you so bad” Your hands move up and down his clothed back. “Please..missed you too” He kisses you quickly, breaking away to remove the both of your clothes.

“Just a gorgeous as I remember,” He mutters under his breath. You can feel his hard member on your stomach, moaning at the anticipation of having him after so long. “Need to be inside you so bad, baby”

“mhm please, cheolie..“ You pull him closer, begging him to do anything.

“shhh, ill take care of you, baby.” he coos at you, finally pushing in, “shit- so tight.. you feel so good baby” he brushes the hairs out of your face, kissing your forehead gently. “So good for me, my love”

“Please move- Please I need it. Cheolie- Needed this so bad” You sob as he finally starts to roll his hips into yours, groans falling from his mouth.

“God- y-you’re too good, baby. Am I making you feel good, hm?” He fucks into you faster, rougher, breathlessly calling out your name into your ear.

“yes yes makin’ me feel so good- gonna cum soon” You hips rut into his, determined to make both of you cum.

“b-baby” He pushes your hips back into the couch, “Be good- i’ll let you cum, promise…” He breathes out hot breath, eyes blown wide as he pounds into you; your heat sucking him in dangerously. “Cum for me please, need you to cum, baby.”

Your desperation for each other was unmatched and you were sure that the people walking past your dressing room can hear the obscene noises coming from it, but you could care less. The pleads for more came out if your mouth like a ritual and Seungcheol knew you were close. One of his hands grip your own, telling you to cum, and what else can you do when his cock twitches inside of you so deliciously. You cry out his name once more before cumming hard. Feeling you pulse around him, he fills you up with spurts of his hot cum in you. “Fuck, did you so good, my love. I love you so much” He breathes out, pecking your lips once again.

You look into his eyes, dazed, and welling with tears again. His happy demeanor changes ones again. “Hey. Hey, Y/n. What’s wrong? Did i do something?” He looks you up and down, checking for injuries. Making sure he didn’t fuck this up again.

“No- i just- i just missed you so much, Cheolie,” you cry out. “Love you so much..” His arms are around you before you can even say another word. He murmurs I love you’s into your ears, kissing the tears rolling down your face.

“I love you too, baby. let’s go home hm?”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

a/n: these are the songs i used as reference for the solo album songs:

1. Can’t Love You Anymore - IU

2. Goodbye - OOHYO

3. Fallin’ - Yoon Hyun Sang

4. Glimpse of Us - Joji

this was so spur of the moment #loveit

[calisources]

𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐐𝐔𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒.

All sentences here were taken from different media about possessive love, the thrill of the chase, banter, and competition regarding one's affection. Some have foul language so please beware but most are fun, banter, possessive fun. All of these are made for roleplay purposes. Change names, pronouns, locations as you see fit.

I love you. You’re mine. I’ll kill any bastard who tries to take you from me.

I spend a quarter of every day inside you. 

I have never said this to anyone before.

But the idea of you with child is the most insanely arousing thing I’ve ever imagined.

Your belly all swollen, your breasts heavy, the funny little way you would walk … I would worship you. I would take care of your every need. And everyone would know that I’d made you that way, that you belonged to me.

You want to be free. You also want to be mine. You can't be both.

We can't possess one another.

Just because I can't have you right now, doesn't mean I'm okay with him having you.

I will be good to you, Myst. Please, I promise.

You are mine. And I protect what’s mine.

Of course I won't go alone. I shall take my maid.

No.You will take me.

The purpose of a knight is to protect. Why won’t you let him do his job to me?

I want you all to myself.

I can’t explain to you the joy I feel knowing it’s all mine. That you are all mine, that your body is all mine.

There is something in me that wakes up when I want something, a possession.

God knows he deserved you more than I do. 

Listen well, for you belong to me.

Good grief, you’re such an adorably greedy person.

And when you fall in love with her  just keep in mind that she’s mine. 

 She’s more than you could handle, anyway.

That almost sounds like a challenge.

I don’t need your permission to do anything.

Your hands will touch me and no one else, Meadow. That is final.

You chase off every man that’s ever been interested, and you do it without even trying.

You reject every suitor and yet, you keep entertaining me. I believe you want me too, and you are dying to be touched.

I don't own you, you just belong to me.

You’re my gold, your cunt is my liquid gold. 

I will have your mouth, you will give it to me. Then I will have your spirit, Circe. I will own it. Always.

By the gods you have never been more beautiful than you are right now, spread before me, wrapped in my wool.

Once I take you, you are mine. My woman. No other man can have you.

I do not belong to you, or to anyone else. I will talk to whomever I want, whenever I want.

Not if it’s some ass who thinks he can put his hands on you.

You didn’t have a problem with me acting like a caveman last night.

When it comes to you… I don’t like to share.

Most men prefer to do the eating.

Do you know what passion is?

Most people think it only means desire. Arousal. Wild abandon. But that’s not all. The word derives from the Latin. It means suffering. Submission. Pain and pleasure, Nikki. Passion.

You’re wearing my colors, love.

I’m going to put you on your knees, Ruby. You’re going to hate how much you love it.

He is my king, he is my warrior, he is my husband and I am proud to say above all… he is mine.

You have rare beauty the like I have never seen but you will be more beautiful heavy with my seed.

You are my golden queen. You are my tigress. You are my Circe. 

Never will I allow your gold to be taken from me. Never. Understand this, Circe, and never forget.

Maybe I fell in love with a version of him that didn't exist.

 I would have you right here if you would let me. Fear you? I exalt you. 

You could burn me a thousand times, and I would still want you for my own.

Everything has a price. The price, however, isn't always money.

You’re my scariest hell, You’re my perfect paradise.

Well, I admit my crib is pretty sweet. But a gold cage is still a cage, Harry.

I intend to the last. 

If I win, then you shall be mine. Tonight.

You are so sure of yourself.

The game is simple. The women run, the men chase. If you catch the one with your color. . .well, that’s up to you.

But women have been running all their lives, most men don’t catch that easily.

We are in a maze, lost, and your hand is up my skirt.

Aye, but I don’t hear any complaints. The maze will hide our secret.

[queen-of-the-avengers]

Shouldn't Have Said It

Pairing: Mafia!Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~1.7k

Warnings: relationship angst, heartbreak, getting roofied at a bar by someone you trust

Summary: It's been a month since you and Bucky broke up, and it's been the hardest month of your life. In that time, you realize you never wanted to be apart from Bucky. You put your trust in the wrong person, and your entire life hangs in the balance.

Between Love and Hate Masterlist

Squares Filled: "told you so" (2023) for @buckybarnesbingo

Author’s Note: any and all comments are appreciated <3

x

You didn't know how hard this was going to be for you. You didn’t leave because you fell out of love with Bucky. You left because it breaks your heart when Bucky takes away life like he’s God or something. Could you get over it? Maybe. You shouldn’t have said what you said to him. Maybe there was room for improvement but you were so stricken with grief that you said exactly what you were feeling at that moment.

It’s been nearly a month since you and Bucky broke things off so why doesn’t it feel over with? You want nothing more than to go running back to him but it’s like you’re stuck between true love and your morals. Killing is wrong. Taking a human life is a crime. Bucky should be in jail for what he’s done. He’s the bad guy, so why do you dream of him every night? Your parents raised you to be good and to help where you can. They taught you to love and care for others. If they knew what you’ve been doing, they’d shun you for sure.

You’re scared your innocence will be stripped down to nothing if you continue to stay with Bucky. You have given him everything you possibly could. Is there anything left?

Gio noticed a change in not only your appearance but the fact that you don’t smile anymore. You’re not dressing in your usual style--flowing dresses, shorts, tanks, and all of them in bright colors. Now, you’re dressed in dark colors, jeans, and band t-shirts with your hair in a bun most days. Over the past moonth, you might have said maybe ten words to him and he’s been a gentleman and let you have the space you’re silently asking for.

Even when you and Bucky are broken up, he still finds ways to take care of you. He sent you a new verison of the car you had before so you’re not walking or taking public transportation, but you refuse to use it. That’s a pity car and you’re not taking any charity even though it’s nice and you really want to use it. It’s not going to help much but you got a job at the local hardware store where you can save up for a car on your own.

If you truly want to be done with Bucky, you can’t use anything he gives you. Yeah, keep telling yourself that. It’s so damn hard moving on because you’re still so damn in love with him.

When Gio sees you sitting alone at lunch, he decides it’s time to bring up whatever’s got you in a slum. He walks across the huge cafeteria and sits next to you. You barely look at him but he does hear you mutter his name.

“Going through a break up is never easy.”

You look up at hi with slightly red and puffy eyes.

“How did you know?”

“It doesn’t take a genius to fit the puzzle together. Bucky isn’t around anymore.” You sigh and look back down at your food. “I didn’t want tot say anything to give you space but it’s been a month. Come out drinking with me and some friends.”

“I don’t know…”

“It’s fifty cent wings at the bar on campus. They got an overshipment of chicken wings and need them to go out before they go bad. Come on, it’s one night.”

Maybe this will be good for you. You’ve been sitting in your apartment all alone looking at pictures of you and Bucky. You’re making yourself sad so going out might be the way to move on.

“Okay, just one night.”

“Can I pick you up?”

“Yeah. I’ll text you my address.”

“Cool,” he smiles. “You’re not going to regret it.” His energy makes you smile even if it’s small. “I made you smile, right? That’s progress.”

Gio gets up and leaves you alone. Gio would be so easy to be with but he’s not Bucky. He doesn’t give you the sense of danger and adventure you had when you were with Bucky. You watch him walk away, and as much as you try not to, you see Bucky walking away from you. Yeah, you might really need this night out or maybe you’re forcing yourself to get over Bucky when you know you don’t want to.

Oh, I don’t know what to do or think.

When you get home, you immediately start getting ready even though you have three hours to spare because if you don’t distract yourself, you’ll start to think about Bucky and cancel on Gio. You don’t dress fancy since you’re going to go to a campus bar but you at least try to put something nice on. Gio comes when he sayid he would, and you meet him in the parking lot. You’re not an idiot. Being with Bucky made you cautious with most things in your life. Gio is an amazing man but Bucky made you weary of anyone in your life.

“Wow,” Gio smiles.

“What?”

“You look beautiful.”

“It’s just jeans and a t-shirt,” you say shyly.

“Even better.”

It only takes ten minutes to get to the bar which is already lively with people. Gio meets up with his friends who welcome you in with open arms. There are already three boxes of wings on the table that are all half devoured with more on the way. Gio orders two beers and sits with you at the table when he grabs them. Football games are playing on all of the TV screens, people are playing darts and pool in teams, and everyone is having such a good time.

Why aren't you?

“So? How do you feel?” Gio asks and nudges your shoulder.

“This isn’t so bad, I guess,” you chuckle.

“Told you so. I’m glad I could convince you to come out.”

“Well, I figure I had my month to wallow. It’s time to move on.”

Are you saying that to Gio or yourself? Are you really ready to move on? Do you even want to? I don’t know what to think. My head is all jumbled and confused. You look at Gio with a small smile wishing you were here with Bucky instead. Actually, you wish you were back in Italy with Bucky. You had to put your entire life on hold when you were there, and you’d give anything to feel that way again.

“Your skills are getting better in class. No one can sew like you.”

“Thank you. My mother was a seamstress. She’s to thank for my love of designing.”

“What about your dad?”

“He’s an architect. I get designing from him as well. What about your parents?”

Gio clears his throat and looks down at his beer.

“My mom died when I was a baby. I don’t remember much about her except the stories I’ve heard.”

“I’m sorry. What about your dad?” you ask and sip your beer. Gio’s face immediately hardens into something that makes you uneasy. He spares you a glance and forces himself to relax but the anger is still there. “Are you okay?”

“My dad passed away a couple of weeks ago.”

“Oh, my God. I’m so sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” he shrugs. “I don’t really like to talk about it.” You nod in understanding when his eyes meet yours. There’s a dark anger in his eyes that he can’t hide. He sees how taken aback you are so he grabs your half-drank beer and his almost finished one. “Let me get you another drink.”

He’s gone before you can say anything. You sigh and look around the crowded bar in thought.

“You’re out on a date with that guy?” You snap your head up when you hear his voice. “Come home. I miss you.”

Bucky is sitting right next to you as if he’s really there. You look around in panic but when you look back at Bucky, he’s gone. Who were you kidding? You can’t do this. You’re an idiot if you thought you were ready to move on. Who are you kidding right now? You don’t want to move on. No, you don’t. You miss Bucky. You miss his touch after a long day and the way his rough hands run over your smooth skin. You miss his lips when they kiss all over your body. You miss his smile when you make him work for your attention. You miss his blue eyes and the way they darken when you put on that red little number he loves so much.

So what if he kills people, right? He’d kill for you. That shows how much he loves you, right? He’d do anything to protect you. He treats you like a Queen, and you’re an idiot to let him go. If only your parents could see you now.

Gio comes back with a different drink in his hands. Right. Gio. You want to go home. Will Bucky take you back after what you said to him? Can he find it in himself to love you again?

“Hey, listen, you’re great and super nice but I don’t think I’m ready for this. It’s not you. I’m just not ready.”

“No worries,” he smiles. He sets a red-colored drink on the table in front of you. “I got you your favorite drink. Let me just say bye to my friends and I’ll take you home.”

“Thank you.”

Gio leaves your side to do what he said he was going to do. You take the glass and down the alcohol easily. Gio comes back shortly and you get out of the booth to leave. However, when you take the first step, your legs immediately feel like jelly. Gio catches you before you go crashing to the ground, and you look away in embarrassment.

“I’m so sorry. This usually doesn’t happen. I’m not a lightweight.”

You and Bucky once had a drinking contest to see who could drink the most and you won. Despite how hard and dangerous he can be, he can’t handle his alcohol well.

“Come on, let’s get you to the car.”

Gio helps you to his car and inside the passenger side. Your headache is worse, your body feels completely numb, and your vision is starting to blur. What the hell happened? Gio gets behind the wheel and pulls away from the bar.

“I don’t feel so good,” you slur.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take you home. Just go to sleep.”

He makes a right onto the main road and drives down the dark and desolate road. The last thing on your mind before you succumb to the darkness is that in order to get to your apartment, he had to make a left, not a right.

x

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[blackswan7x]

— jjba: reacting to chubby insecure reader

characters: Jonathan Joestar, Joseph Joestar, Jotaro Kujo (part 3), Josuke Higashikata, Female Reader

rating: sfw, mild suggestive talk (Joseph)

Jonathan Joestar

Honestly, Jonathan only sees you as a vision of pure beauty

“How can you ever speak so poorly of yourself when you look like a goddess of antiquity?”

Brings books of art from the library just to show you the paintings and sculptures of women through the ages

“You see, my love, artists for centuries have known your figure is truly the most divine work of all creation.”

Will silence you with a finger to your lips if you protest

Then he will take your hand into his, gazing lovingly at you.

“Our youth is fleeting. All I care for is that your body is willing to grow old with mine. For one day, my physique will fade with age and I will no longer be as strong as I am now. And will you love me then?”

Of course. You will love him no matter what.

“Then why do you refuse to see that I feel the same for you?”

He kisses you.

“Now, let us retire to our bedroom.”

And he sweeps you off your feet and carries you bridal style across the threshold to his bedroom

And as he is a gentlemen it is best not to say what you two did next

Joseph Joestar

Our bodies are so different…Just look at how I am compared to you.

Joseph is confused to say the least.

“Huh? What’s wrong with your body and what does that have to do with mine?”

Wouldn’t he prefer someone fit like him?

Isn’t he embarrassed to be seen with you in public?

Joseph laughs

“Awww, babe. Are you feeling insecure?”

Not helping

“Because you don’t have to be.”

Go on…

“I think you’re the sexiest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on”

Okay, now you are blushing

“And you know how much I love having your thick thighs wrapped around me when we’re making sweet love~”

Joseph!

“What? You never complain when I’m doing it. And you’re so much fun to cuddle afterwards.”

Immediately pulls you into his arms and snuggles against your chest

“I also wanted you because you were the only person who almost had tits as big as mine.”

JOSEPH!!!

Jotaro Kujo

You never kiss me in public and rarely hold my hand…

Are you…

Are you embarrassed of me?

“Good grief”

Jotaro…

“Do you think I’m that shallow that I’d care what other people think of you? Of us?”

His voice is harsh.

You look away, feeling foolish.

He notices immediately and his gaze softens, the small spark of irritation fading.

He reaches out for you and pulls you close to him and kisses the top of your head.

Keeping you there he whispers

“Look, I’m sorry…I’m not embarrassed of you. I adore you and your body. You’re gorgeous to me.”

“I’m just a private person. Our relationship is something special and intimate to me. I dont need to display my affection for you to the world.”

You nod, still frowning.

“But it seems I’ve neglected you by only focusing on my own comfort. I’m sorry. This should be a partnership.”

He takes your hand

“I’ll hold your hand in public and won’t mind a quick kiss. It might take me some time to not….blush. But I’ll be fine.”

You squeeze his hand reassuringly

Thank you, Jotaro. Thank you for understanding and listening to me.

“I love you, Y/N. I hope you never forget that.”

Josuke Higashikata

You’re so much more attractive then me. Don’t you want someone fit and pretty?

“WHAT?!”

“Come again?????”

“Are you feeling okay, babe?”

“Do you not see the way I worship every single curve of your body?”

“I’m practically salivating every time your jeans are too tight!”

“And that cute little tummy of yours!!!”

“I can’t keep my hands off you!”

“Do I need to do more PDA?! Cause I will!!”

“OR I’ll climb on the roof at school and shout that I’m dating the hottest person in all of Morioh!!”

Josuke! Stop you’re making me blush!!!

He attacks you with kisses and tickles.

[dancingtotuyo]

7. when she lets me call her mine

Woman | Joel Miller x Female Reader

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Chapter Summary: a year passes through Jackson

Tags: Joel Miller X Female Reader. Age Gap (13/14 years). HBO Characters. Mostly cannon compliant for show & game. Timeline is changed.

Chapter Warnings: angst, blood, grief (loss of a sibling, loss of a child), trauma, anxiety

Notes: Once again, thank you to @janaispunk and @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin for beta reading this! I appreciate all your comments and feedback, and I love you both so much!

Words: 8311

Series Masterlist | Author Masterlist | Playlist

Joel coaxes you awake the next morning. Your room is bright with sunshine. He’s dressed in his clothes from last night, smelling like your soap. Your body protests, wanting nothing more than to fall back asleep until the end of time. You groan burrowing into your pillow, making him chuckle. Then, the events of last night come flooding back. Adrenaline shoots through your body as you shoot up. Your head spins a little. “Maria?”

“She’s awake. Doc Pooley stopped by this morning, said she looks good so far.” Joel wraps an arm around you, tugging you closer. “Just wanted you to know.”

“Thank you.”

“No need to thank me, Sweetheart.”

You pick at the buttons on his shirt as you remember it all. “For last night. Everything.”

Your temple rests against his forehead. His steady breathing calms you until the two of you are in unison. Joel kisses your head. His fingertips brush across your thigh.

“I want to go over there.”

“Tommy said we’re welcome anytime. I think he feels better having you there.”

“Do I look as atrocious as I feel?” You turn to him. 

Joel chuckles, shaking his head. “Got some big bags under your eyes, and some gnarly morning breath.”

“Gnarly? Really?”

“Only the best of words for you.” Joel winks. “I’ll get you some breakfast while you get ready.”

“Thank you.”

Maria is sitting up when you get there. Her eyes are bloodshot, her shoulders sag with exhaustion, but she’s alive, and she looks a hell of a lot better than she did the night before. The baby lays contently on her chest. She smiles at you over his head. “If it isn’t my guardian angel.”

Your chest quivers with relief as you ease beside her, perching on the edge of the mattress. Out of the corner of your eye, Joel gives Tommy a delayed but obligatory congratulatory handshake. 

“I’m just happy to see you awake.”

“You look like shit.” Maria teases.

“Oh, I look like shit?” You raise an eyebrow. “Look in a mirror.”

Maria laughs softly, successfully hiding the cringe of pain behind it. “I’m never leaving this bed.”

“Bullshit.” Tommy crosses his arms. “She was tryin’ to get out of bed this mornin.”

You smile, eyes roaming over Maria, searching for any signs of something wrong. You can’t find any, but it hardly eases your anxiety. 

Maria squeezes your hand. “If something felt wrong, I would tell you.”

“Promise?”

She nods, a smile spreading across her face as her eyes flicker to her sleeping newborn. “I have someone dependent on me now.”

“He’s not the only one dependent on you,” You say with a sigh. When you look down at Jackson’s newest addition, you can’t help but smile either. “Though he may be the cutest.”

“He is, isn’t he?” Maria runs a hand over his tuft of dark curls. “You wanna hold him?”

You nod, carefully taking the infant into your arms. Other than the brief moment when you’re delivering a baby, you haven’t held one this small since Carter was born. “Does he have a name yet?���

“Yes,” Maria smiles at Tommy. He places a hand on her shoulder. Your heart swells every time you see them like this. As much as Maria championed your relationship with Gabe, you did for her with Tommy. “Meet Elias Joel Miller.”

“What?” It seems to tumble out of Joel’s mouth automatically. “Now why would you do a thing like that?”

“Maria wouldn’t be here without you,” Tommy says. You swear you see the sparkle of tears in his eyes. 

Joel clears his throat, eyes moving between his nephew and brother. “It’s not too late to change your mind.”

“I think they’re capable of deciding what to name their child, Joel.” You grin, pressing a kiss to Elias’s head. “Now come hold your nephew.”

Maria’s recovery isn’t easy. It takes a lot of time, more than either of you anticipate. You spend days at her house and nights on the couch, caring for her when Tommy is on patrol. Eventually, slowly, she returns to full strength. She cares for her son and husband and all of Jackson with the same grace, strength, and capabilities as before. When she does, she kicks you out of her home with a grin. 

It’s gradual at first, the way you pull away. Joel chalks it up to Maria’s close call, the amount of time you spend caring for her and Elias. 

As the air begins to cool, you ask to walk alone. Joel picks it up the moment he meets you on the porch that night. He sees the distance in your eyes. Kissing your forehead, he crosses the street to his home without so much as a word. You’re relieved despite the dull ache in your chest. 

You toss and turn that night. Your thoughts race with anxiety. The fall air seems especially chilly without Joel there to keep you warm. 

Joel joins you the next night, but you’re quiet, too quiet. He tries, bless his heart, to keep it light and cheerful doing his best to pull you from the sea of thoughts. Despite his best efforts, you only give him brief sounds and one-word answers. When he wraps his arms around you that night, you don’t lean in. 

None of it surprises him. He expects it. He would’ve done the same thing this time last year. What he doesn’t expect is the gaping ache in his chest as he watches it happen a little more each day like the autumn leaves falling from trees. The tighter he holds on, the more you slip through his fingers. So he takes the opposite approach. He keeps his distance. He stops meeting you in the middle of the road. He only comes over when you ask. 

You expect the space to grant you relief, but it only gets harder to breathe. You toss and turn at night. The bed is empty. You’ve grown accustomed to having Joel next to you. There’s no clarity to your thoughts, no sense to your actions. The push and pull is tiring: missing Joel but not letting him too close. 

You step onto your porch on a Friday in mid-October. You’ve walked alone, slept alone for almost a week. The only time you’ve seen Joel are the afternoons Carter asks to spend with him. 

Joel sits on his porch, leaning back in a rocking chair. His guitar is propped on his knee. It stops you in your tracks, stealing your breath. He’s had the unstrung guitar in his home since June, but now, even from across the street, you clearly see several silver strings running across the frets. A couple of bright notes bridge the gap between you.

Instead of stepping into the street and setting along your beaten trail, your bottom hits the wooden step. You stare across the street, transported to 20 years ago when you and Joel lived across from one another the first time. Even at the end of the world, some things never change. You remember him sitting on his porch in the Austin suburb, the same angle to his recline, fingers playing over the strings. You used to open your bedroom window at night, straining to hear the faint rifts he played. Sometimes, his voice drifted through your curtain as you pined for a man who very rightfully, never looked your way. Those were your favorite nights. 

Tonight, you don’t watch in secret. You don’t have to strain to hear the melody coming off the strings. You spent too much time wanting Joel, and he’s yours to have if you can only shake the fear away. It seems silly that the world ended and you somehow ended up with the only thing you wanted before it did. Now, you’re in self-destruct mode. You don’t know how to stop it. Wrapping your arms around yourself, you continue to watch Joel and his guitar without embarrassment. 

Joel clocks you the moment you step out. He watches you from his periphery at first, surprised when you take a seat on the steps instead of going for your walk. He plucks at the strings refamiliarizing himself with the instruments after decades of separation. He’s only been able to find 4 good strings, but it is enough for now. The taught strings feel like therapy beneath his fingers connecting him with something unseen. 

Joel continues to pick out the melody, becoming more confident with each play-through. He misses a few notes due to his missing strings, but something about it tugs at the strings of familiarity. 

Finally, you stand, crossing the street. Joel doesn’t look up when you make it to his porch. Resting against the railing, he plucks away as the melody finally hits you. You’re embarrassed at how long it takes you to recognize it. Landslide. Memories flood your mind. You ran that cassette until it busted. When the Dixie Chicks put out their cover in ‘02, you and Sarah played it on repeat. 

You focus on Joel’s fingers, the words forming in your head as he closes out the song. He leaves the guitar on his lap. Your arms fold over your chest, and his warm brown eyes reach yours. 

The breeze catches your hair. You bite your lip, yet Joe doesn’t say a word. “I love that song.”

“I know.” 

You raise an eyebrow. He chuckles. “You played that song on repeat for a week, Sweetheart. Sarah forced me to learn it.”

“Like you didn’t already know it, old timer.”

Joel pushes back a laugh, propping the guitar against the house. You catch the tension in his shoulders. Guilt shoots through you. You want to crack open his thoughts and curl into his brain. Is he upset? Hurt? Does he think you’ve come to call this thing off? This thing you’ve never labeled. Does he want to call it off after your actions?

“I’m sorry.”

Joel quirks a brow. 

“For pulling away.” You add. 

Joel lets out a deep sigh as he stands. Worry floods your body. You have succeeded. You pushed him away, and this is where things end. He steps forward. His body heat cuts through the fall chill. His fingers brush across your cheek and over your ear. Your head tilts into his palm. 

“Joel-” You whisper.

“I’ve missed you.”

His words cut all the anxiety from you with a surgeon's precision. “I missed you too.”

He kisses you, tentative and understanding. It doesn’t silence your fears but gives you the budding courage to face them. Joel’s fingers curl around your face. His flannel is soft in your clenched fists. As you tug him closer, a grin spreads across your face.

Joel trails his hands down your back and over your ass. He wants to tell you so much more. He wants to tell you that he’s more than missed you. His arms have ached without you. He wants to tell you you feel like coming home, that if he never spends another night without you, it won’t be enough. He wants to scream from the rooftops that he’s yours and he wants you to be his, but he knows that all of that will send you running. He still sees the fear in your eyes. 

Instead, he presses you against him, opening your mouth with his tongue. For the sake of not giving the whole town a show, he pulls you inside, dragging you to his bedroom.

The cold winds blow in and snowflakes drift about the sky as you follow Carter from house to house on Halloween night. He’s happily escorted by Ellie and Dina, relishing in their attention. The bright orange of Reese’s wrappers and red of Kitkats might be gone, but the town of Jackson knows how to improvise. Homemade sweets fill baskets and pillowcases. Joel walks alongside you, hand in yours. He wears an easy smile, one that keeps you warm as the sun sets behind the mountains. 

“Remember the year Sarah convinced you to come trick or treating with us?” A faint grin spreads across Joel’s face. 

“I remember all my Mr. Goodbars missing when I got home.”

Joel laughs. “Sarah always liked those.”

“Pretty sure it wasn’t Sarah I left unattended with my pillowcase.” You roll your eyes. “And she was more of a Reese’s girl.”

“Pretty sure 18-year-olds weren’t supposed to go trick or treating.” 

“Touché,” You smile. 

Joel presses a kiss to the back of your hand before furrowing his brow. “Your hands are freezing, Sweetheart.”

“It’s snowing outside, of course, they are.”

“Wanna go back to my house? I can start a fire.” Joel grins. Since the weather had turned, you spent more time at his house due to the beautiful fireplace in his living room and your home’s lack of. Evenings spent in front of his fireplace are some of your favorites.  

“We’ve only made it through half the houses.”

“I think Ellie and Dina are fine with Carter. He doesn’t even know we’re here.” Joel points. It’s true. He adores the ground those two walk on. 

You bite your lip, torn between seeing the rest of the evening out and the promise of Joel’s fireplace. Carter’s nose is tinged with red from the chill, but his grin is unbeatable. Joel’s breath is warm on your ear. “Made up your mind.”

“Promise it doesn’t make me a bad mom?”

“I promise.” Joel laughs. 

You double-check with the girls, making sure they know they can bring him back to the house at any time. They assure you it’s fine and then Joel drags you off. 

He has the fire burning in no time, casting an orange glow across the room. He sits down next to you, an overly full glass of whisky to share. Your legs rest over his thighs as he runs his fingers over your shoulder. “Warmer?”

You sip on the glass, handing it to him. “In more ways than one.”

Pressing the glass to his lips, he chuckles. “Gone are the days of subtlety I suppose.”

“I don’t need subtlety anymore.” Your head rests on his shoulder, tracing the seams of his jeans. 

He kisses your head. “Wanna raid Carter’s candy when he gets back?”

You grin. “Isn’t that the point of being a parent?”

Snow begins to pile up. The holiday season is upon Jackson. As you exit the clinic one day, it hits you, literally, in the back of the head. Cold and icy, some of it drips down your skin. You spin around, met with Ellie’s apologetic grin. 

“Oops.”

You furrow your brow, a teasing glimmer in your eye. “Gotta work on your aim there, Ellie.” Your bag drops to the ground, hands meeting the cold snow. 

“I didn’t throw it.” Her grin grows as she slowly backs away.

“Oh?” You take care to form the snowball, calling on your years of travel softball. “You need to get better at lying.”

“Duck!” someone yells. You manage to and the snowball hits Ellie square in the face. A laugh grows in your chest as Jesse appears around the corner, a handful of snow ready to stuff down the back of Ellie’s shirt. 

“Ellie, move!” instead of sending it her way, you barely graze Jesse’s head. 

Before you know it, you’re pulled into their war. Your hands go numb. Snow finds itself in places it should never be, melting from your body heat. Most importantly, you’re having fun in ways you haven’t for a long long time. 

Two strong arms wrap around you. They’re Joel’s. You would know them anywhere. His laugh echoes in your ear. Then, he’s pulling you down into a snow drift. Your coat rides up, cold snow pressing into your back. You squeal, trying to wiggle free, but he keeps you pinned. 

“You jackass!” You thrash under him. 

He laughs. “You should learn to pick on people your own age.”

“They started it!”

Snow smashes on the back of Joel’s neck. He yells, spinning around.  You’re forgotten as Ellie laughs, running away. “You little twirp!” Joel yells and then a snowball collides with his face. 

“See what I mean?” You stumble onto your feet, the ghost of the cold still pressed against your skin. “They’re asking for it.”

“You flank the left. I’ll take the right.” Joel nods.

The two of you are hopelessly outmanned by the 3 teenagers as snow pelts your face in such quick succession that you can hardly think straight. Within seconds, Joel calls out “Retreat!” 

His calloused hand grabs yours, dragging you toward his house like you’re teenagers running from the cops. Laughter spills from both of you the entire way there. Your hands shoot to your knees as you struggle to catch your breath. Joel assumes a similar position. 

“Gettin too damn old for that shit,” Joel says, laughter still in his tone. 

“But it sure was fun.” You wink. 

Joel eases up, his knees and back letting off a string of cracks and pops. You glance over at him, laughter playing in your eyes. He shoots you a look that tells you not to say a word, making you bite your lip. “I’m gonna get a fire going.”

You nod, kissing his cheek. “I’m gonna hop through the shower.” 

Joel catches your waist before you dash up the steps, pulling you snug against him. “Give me a real kiss, Woman.”

You crinkle your eyebrows at the name, but Joel lays a breath-stealing kiss on you before you have time to make a comment. Warmth spreads through your body. He pulls away with a grin. Your eyes flutter open, connecting with his eyes and then glancing down to his lips again. ”Sure you won’t join me?”

He groans. “If I do that, we’re not getting out of bed tonight.”

”I don’t see any issues with that.”

He squeezes your ass, giving you another kiss. “Go get showered. I’ll be waiting for you,” he says, practically pushing you towards the steps. You laugh. “And don’t go stealing all my hot water!”

You answer with a laugh.

Carter is in the living room when you come down. Your body hums with warmth from your shower. He sits on Joel’s lap, animatedly recounting something. Even from behind, you can see Joel’s face moving with exaggerated motions. Carter’s vocabulary is getting better with each day to the point where you can put together most of his stories now. 

You fall onto the couch, thighs pressed against Joel’s. “Mommy!” Carter launches himself toward you. You barely manage to avoid getting your two front teeth knocked in, kissing his chunky cheeks. 

“Carter!” You reply, squeezing him against you. 

Before long, Ellie comes stomping in, cheeks rosy from the cold. The four of you eat leftovers in front of the fire, spending time together until Ellie is pulled away by her friends and Carter passes out on the couch. You and Joel stay on the floor, his arm around your shoulders.

“I think I have a problem, Sweetheart.”

The words are like ice water in your veins causing your heart rate to spike and your anxiety with it. You’ve heard those exact words before. ”What’s wrong?”

“I’m getting too used to having you around.”

Your jaw sets, fist colliding with his shoulder. 

“Ow! What was that for?”

”Scaring the bejesus out of me.”

He kisses your head, hand roaming down your neck and shoulders. “Sorry. Guess I should work on my delivery.”

”Ya think?” You sigh, resting your head back on his shoulder. 

It falls silent. Blood rushes behind your ears. The adrenaline courses through your dysregulating body. It’s just words. Joel was just being silly, but your body won’t listen. It won’t settle. You’ve heard those words before. It turns your vision a red you can’t wipe away. Before you know it, your body is shaking. “Fuck.” You barely get it out before you lose control over your body.

Joel’s brow furrows as he cups your cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

Your head shakes as your fingers claw at his jeans, twisting in his shirt, desperate to find stability somewhere. Tears slip from your eyes, flowing over his hands. Fear rushes through Joel. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

You choke it out, barely over a whisper. “Carter.”

”He’s right there.” Joel brings you into his lap, turning you to look at your son’s sleeping frame. “He’s okay.”

You shake your head, sniffing. It hurts to talk like there’s a lump in your throat, your diaphragm constricting in painful ways. “No- my- my brother.”

Joel searches your wet eyes. You’re not here. You’re along the outskirts of Jackson in a place you’ve only alluded to. He knows Carter died. He knows that death left you on your own. He doesn’t have words. He’s not sure you would hear them anyway, so he crushes you against his chest, rocking you back and forth like a mother does to her hurt child until your body stops shaking. 

As the tension releases from your body, you weave your fingers through Joel’s. Eventually, you slide down, back against the hard floor, and head on Joel’s thighs. His thumb brushes over your wet cheek as you look at each other. The tears still pour from your eyes, but they don’t try to rip you apart anymore. 

The fire has died down, but it’s still warm against your side. The flames dance off Joel’s irises. When you can finally draw a breath without your rib cage rattling, you attempt to speak. “I’m sorry-“

”Don’t.” Joel is soft. “Don’t apologize for it.”

You nod. He keeps brushing his fingers across your face. “I'm ready to talk about it.”

He freezes for a second and then nods. 

“Carter was hurt when a group of raiders came through, but they didn’t kill him.”

Joel inhales sharply. You squeeze his hand. “He was hurt and there was nothing I could do.”

The image flashes before your eyes, your baby brother bleeding out slowly on the floor of a place with so many cherished memories. “He bled out so slowly.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“That’s not true.”

“Baby-”

“I could’ve-” You bite down on your lip, on the verge of breaking the delicate skin. “I should’ve helped him.”

“You just said you couldn’t do anything.”

“No- I mean…” Your chest shakes again. “He didn’t have to die like that. Slow and painful. He- Shit.” Your chest aches, tension tight across it.

Joel’s palm lands over your heart. It stays still for a minute and then moves in slow, pressurized motions. It doesn’t make it hurt less, but it eases the band constricting around your rib cage. “I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

You take one last deep breath and utter the words you’ve only said out loud once before. “He begged me to make it stop, the pain. I knew- I know how to make it quick. He spent hours in pain and I couldn’t bring myself to make it better.”

Hot tears roll down your cheeks again. Joel collects them on his thumbs. “Sweetheart.”

You ease into a sitting position, taking his hand and tracing the lines in his palm “What you said- about thinking you had a problem.” 

Joel traces along your hairline, following it behind your ear. “Yeah?” 

“He said that to me, right before I saw the blood.”

Joel leans forward, kissing your forehead. Another pocket of tension fizzles away. “I’m sorry.” Another kiss. “But thank you for tellin me.”

You nod, forehead pressed to his, fingers scraping softly at the back of his skull. He kisses your jaw. “Let’s go to bed.”

Joel stands, offering out his hand. You feel a little off-kilter on your feet, but he makes sure you’re steady before gently picking Carter off the couch, careful not to disturb him. Joel takes your hand, leading you upstairs. You tuck Carter into the bed of the spare bedroom. He’s familiar with it by now. 

Once you’re in Joel’s room, you shed your clothing, crawling under the cool sheets in just your underwear. Joel slides in behind you, strong arms keep you flush against him, his warm skin pressed against yours. 

“Joel…”

“Yeah?”

“When the weather gets nice, I want to go to my grandparent’s place. I want to visit him.”

Joel nods, lips warm against your shoulder. “Whatever you want, Sweetheart. I’ll take you.

The snow drifts melt away. The weather warms. Spring showers bring fresh green and pink buds, the grass growing more vibrant with each day. Birds chirp and the days grow longer. With it, your evening walks return, Joel ever-present beside you except when he’s on patrol. 

He spends free days outside of the wall. Your anxiety heightens when he goes out, but something else stirs too. You haven’t been out in years. You had been quickly nixed from the patrol lineup when your medical training had been dubbed too important. Since the walls were completed, you haven’t set foot outside of them. There’s a call, a tug, deep within you. For the first time, you want to leave the safety promised by the tall gates.

You walk the parapet sometimes. During the cold months, the breeze up there stings more, chapping your face. In the summer, it soothes you. 

Joel comes back one day with a small bouquet of barely blooming wildflowers. They’re tiny. They look even smaller in Joel’s large hands. He looks almost timid handing them to you. “Ain’t much. They’ll be a lot prettier ones come summertime.”

”These are beautiful.” You smile, taking the delicate buds in your hands. 

“It’s the thought that counts,” Joel says, eyes following as you find the best vessel to hold the tender gift.  

“That’s what they say.” 

Joel crosses his arms, hip resting against the counter. “I was thinkin’.”

”Uh-oh.” You shoot a teasing grin over your shoulder.

He lets out a soft chuckle, shaking his head. “How original of you.”

“I try.” You shrug, setting the flowers on the counter. You mimic his stance. “Now what were you thinkin?”

“That tomorrow would be a good day to go to your grandparents’ place.”

Everything in your body, your heart, your breathing, your brain, stops for a split second. You feel outside of your body as it happens. Joel steps forward, hand gripping your bicep. It snaps you back, eyes locking on his. 

“We don’t have to.”

”No.” Blood rushes behind your ears. “I want to. I’m ready.” 

“You went white as a ghost, sweetheart.”

You take a deep breath. “I want to, Joel.”

He searches your face, looking for any signs that you’re not. “You sure? I can’t have you floating away like that when we’re out there.”

”I’m sure. I told you I wanted to.”

”Wanting to and ready to are very different things.”

“I’m ready.”

Joel waits a second, weighing the options and your words. He takes a breath. “Okay, we’ll leave at first light tomorrow.”

”Thank you.”

 He kisses your forehead, arms wrapping around your shoulders. “I’ll turn us around if you do that, okay?”

Your fingers tangle in the fabric of his worn shirt. “Can’t tell Maria.”

”Gonna have to smuggle you out, huh?”

”Something like that.” You grin. 

Joel laughs, pressing a kiss to your lips. “Luckily, I have some experience with that.”

Joel has two horses saddled and waiting at the gate when you approach the next morning. Electricity buzzes in your bloodstream at the thought of stepping out beyond the gate for the first time in years. The air is crisp but promises spring warmth later in the day as birds start to chirp.

“You sure?” Joel asks, reigns in hand. 

“Yes,” you grin, taking them as you mount the horse. A rifle sits in the saddle holster. You shift in the saddle, taking a deep breath. 

Joel looks up at you, concern evident in his deep brown eyes. He’s worried, maybe even scared. A knife materializes. “Keep this on you. Somewhere accessible.”

You take it, hands warm against his. “I know.”

“This too.” He pulls out a pistol. 

You stare at the metal, flickering in the growing sunlight. You know your way around a gun. You’ve been comfortable handling them long before cordyceps. Growing up in Texas made sure of that, but you haven’t had to touch one in too long. 

“Darlin.”

You take it from him. “I’m good, Joel.”

“You can get us there?”

“Yup.”

He nods, ensuring you’re secured before mounting his horse. He looks at the gate attendant and they crack the door open just enough for the two of you to slip through. 

Wind and sunshine greet you and a huge smile crawls up your face. You kick the horse forward, Joel and his mount keeping pace next to you. The further from Jackson you get, the more you feel the weight start to lift from your shoulders despite the heaviness awaiting you. 

Joel sees it. The bits and pieces of your younger self come out in your smile and laughter. Your body seems looser, freer in the open. He makes a note to sneak you out more often. 

You take your time, an internal compass guiding you toward the place that kept you safe for so long. The sun warms your back until you slip into the woods. The soft babble of water pulls you deeper. Once you find the brook, you and Joel let the horses lap at the water. ”It’s not far up the mountain from here,” You say. “Probably 30, 40 minutes.”

Joel nods, handing you a canteen. “No rush. We have all day, Sweetheart.” 

You tilt your head to the side, accepting it. You hand him two apples. Once for himself. Another for the horse. You can’t help the smile that’s been on your lips all morning. You weren’t expecting to feel this way, but something in your body thrums with life regardless of the fact that you’re close to the place that holds so much of your grief.

”Thank you for doing this.”

Joel hooks a finger through your belt loops, tugging you nearer to him. “Any time. Especially if I get to see you like this.”

”Like what?”

Wracking his brain, he can’t seem to find the right words. His eyes search yours, sunlight filters through the trees, casting yellowish spots across your face. It feels warm and magical. He wants to stay here forever with you, basking in your smile. He wants to make the entire world a place that brings you such peace, blocking out all the bad things, the dark things. The thought of you feeling anything other than what you do right now makes him want to tear each infected limb from limb until the world rights itself. He can’t erase the marks it’s made, but he wants to help them fade because he-

His heart jumps, interrupting the thought before it materializes. His palms go sweaty. Could he think it? Could he say it for something that’s never been defined? Should he say it?

You catch it in his eyes. You don’t know how to explain it, but it’s there for you to read like a book. Anxiety balls up in your stomach. It doesn’t overpower the other feelings coursing through your bloodstream, but it gives you an answer. If he says it, you’ll bolt. You know it. 

You step backward, his finger dropping from your belt. “We should keep going.” You turn to the horse, checking that everything is still in place and secure.

Joel nods. He’s not sure what to say. “Sweetheart.”

You swallow, back turned to him. “I can’t give you anything else right now.”

”I know.”

You stay quiet for the rest of your trek following the brook toward the house. The familiar gate fades into view. It kept you protected from more than one group of infected and raiding parties for over 10 years. As you approach the gate, it hits you that you’ve spent just as much time away. 

Joel is on alert, keeping watch for any unwelcome parties while trying to stay in tune with you. You dismount before entering through the gate on foot. Joel follows suit. You hitch them to a post, pouring out grain for them to eat. 

“This is the Baldwin place?”

You nod. “My mom’s maiden name.”

“Doesn’t look like anyone’s been here in a while,” Joel says, easing a door open. 

“Patrols use it from time to time. I’m sure stragglers do too.” You follow him in. Joel is focused on making sure it’s clear. You’re not sure you can focus on anything. 

The wallpaper has faded in 10 years, a couple of windows are broken here and there, but otherwise, it looks just like you remember it. It’s a mix of comfort and dread. 

You let Joel clear the house room by room, leaving the great room for last. You don’t even have to tell him. It’s like he senses it, the way you look at that the door. 

Once the rest of the house is clear, you stand at the door. It’s just a room, one that used to bring you joy. It’s one, decade old blood stain. That’s all. 

“We don’t have to do this,” Joel says.

You meet his eyes and see nothing but understanding. You wonder if he would ever want to go back to where Sarah was killed, nature washing away her stain long ago. You wish that was the case for Carter, like Gabe’s blood stain in the snow, gone with the spring thaw. 

You swallow. “I want to.”

He nods and finally, you twist the door knob. Things are different from what you remember. Furniture has been moved from patrols stopping in. Your grandmother’s rocking chair is missing a leg, likely used for kindling in the big fireplace. It darkens the carpet, right before the hearth, brown and thick. Your attempts at washing it away had been useless. 

Your feet take you to it of their own volition. Knees hit the carpet. Your hand spreads over the large stain as tears gather in your arms. It comes out barely a whisper the first time, and then louder the next. “I’m sorry.” 

Then your chest begins to shake. It comes out over and over, sorrow and anger all spilling out after suppressing them for years. 

Joel’s hand rests against your back and you fall into him, letting it wash over you as years of built-up guilt finally release from your body until finally, you still. There’s no big moment of clarity or understanding, just the gentle ease of acceptance.

An hour later, puffy-eyed and tired, you pull a comforter out of the closet, the oversized one with faded pink rosebuds. To your amazement, it’s relatively untouched by moths. Dust flies free when you shake it out on the deck, sunlight sparkles off the little flecks floating around you almost like fireflies. Memories of stargazing and fireside nights flicker through your brain. Joel’s coughing ruins the slightly magical moment making you laugh. 

You settle on it, Joel unpacking lunch. The two of you stay quiet, basking in the sunlight as you eat. You save the strawberries for last, the latest crop just starting to produce in the greenhouse. They’re sweet on your tongue, pushing away the last of the salty tears. 

Joel shifts, his thigh pressing against yours. The deck looks over a valley, granting a serene look at the blooming trees and flowers, painting in broad strokes across nature. It's a welcome reprieve after winter, but it makes you realize how bearable this winter felt. It wasn’t a mild winter by any means but, you have him.

Your eyes drift to the man beside you. He’s at ease, leaning back, arms supporting himself. In the bright sunlight, his hair looks a little lighter and his eyes more like honey. You lean over, hand running over the scruff of his cheek, and capture his lips in a soft, languid kiss. A hand slides over your side, easing you closer. A bee buzzes a couple yards away. Birds chirp in the distance. Just through the thicket, a doe wanders through the forest. The kind of noise that feels silent, like time stands still for the two of you.

You feel it, the spark that’s been there for months. Up here, away from the rest of your small world, you can’t feel the trap tightening around you. You’re not sure it is a trap anymore. The flicker of it floats through your brain. The beginnings of those 3 little words. The anxiety flares. Somehow, you force it away with the words. The fuzzy feeling stays. You have Joel. That’s enough for now. 

You pull back, his breath fanning across your face. Joel drags his fingertips up and down your forearm. Once again, he feels the words wandering closer to his lips. Not yet. He can’t say them yet. 

“What do you want to do?” He asks, eyes fluttering over you. There’s no heat behind them, just the need to be assured that you’re okay, that you’re actually here. 

“One more stop before we go home.”

He nods, kissing your forehead. “Whatever you need, Sweetheart.”

You stop under the willow tree. The one your mom planted when she was a kid. The one you buried Carter under. Joel keeps his distance, holding the reigns of both horses. 

The dirt is hard, littered with tiny bits of rock and sticks that press into the knees of your jeans. You stare at the small boulder you shoved into place a decade ago. There’s no name, the paint washed away long ago. So many thoughts flood your brain. There’s so much to tell him, so much you wish he could see and know about you.

You tell him about his nephew. He never would have let you live it down knowing you named your son after him. You mention Jackson and the people, Maria mostly, a little about Tommy, and Gabe and Joel. You don’t tell Carter about your feelings with Joel, just that you’re happy and taken care of. Then, you sit in silence as if you expect a response. The silly thing is you do. You expect a sign or a nudge deep in your soul, but there’s nothing. You’re okay with that. 

“I’m okay. Surprisingly.” You smile weakly. Taking a deep breath, you rise to your feet. 

You stare at the boulder. Then up at the tree. Your parent’s initials are still barely legible in the bark. Your gaze flickers to the house behind you, your home for so long. It’s haunted now.

You feel it in your chest, solid and true. You’ve found all the closure you need. “ This is the last I’ll be here. I’m not coming back.”

Joel’s ears perk up. His head cocks to the side as you approach. He doesn’t ask and you don’t elaborate. Instead, you take the reins, mounting your horse. “Let’s go home.”

Summer brings all of its usual joys and festivities. The outdoor crops grow with the sun. The days are long and filled with hard work, tired bones, and sun-soaked lunch breaks. The flowers start to appear each time Joel leaves Jackson for patrol or pleasure. You watch the bouquets grow in size and variation. Your own measurement of the foliage growth beyond the wall.  

June bleeds into July. Maria brings out a cake to celebrate Elias’s first birthday. It seems incomprehensible that you’re a year removed from that night. After everything, it was hardly the worst night of your life, but the fear you felt that night was the culmination of all of it. It still haunts you from time to time. 

Joel squeezes your thigh, offering you a smile. Your heart clenches with joy, maybe even peace. It dawns on you that you’ve spent more than a year at his side, walking, talking, not sleeping. He kisses your temple. Across the table, Ellie scrunches her face at the two of you. Carter ogles the cake. Elias babbles happily on Tommy’s knee. Your best friend’s face says it all. She’s the happiest you’ve ever seen her. Looking around the table, you’ve never been more thankful to fall into the trap.

The bed is empty when you wake up one Sunday morning later in the month. The house is already hot, a warm breeze pours through the open window. You’re not used to the empty bed, especially having fallen asleep next to Joel. 

You roll over, hand spreading over the sheets. Your eyes follow the trail of sunlight to the window. Joel’s bare back stretches before you as he stares out the glass. The curtain billows softly in the breeze. It gives the air of a peaceful moment, but you know it’s anything but. His muscles are taught across his back. 

It takes seconds to settle across you. Last year, he spent the night before at his house. You didn’t even realize what day it was until after lunch. Sarah’s Birthday. 

You slip out of the bed, bare feet meet the hardwood. Your hand settles on his shoulder trailing across the expanse of his back down around his waist. He hums softly in acknowledgment.

“Joel…”

He wraps an arm around you, tugging you against him. You oblige, head nuzzling into him. He kisses right above your ear.  “Just stay near.”

You stay there until Carter knocks on the door, one of the skills you’ve been diligently working on. You move, but Joel beats you to it, opening the door, scooping the 3-year-old into his arms. Carter giggles. “You want pancakes for breakfast, Bud?”

“Yes!” 

Your heart clenches. Joel never liked pancakes, but Sarah loved them. 

“Maybe momma will make her special peaches?” Joel turns to face you, his head level with Carter’s. 

“Please,” Carter begs. 

He and Joel give you puppy dog eyes.  Almost impossible to resist. You see the sorrow Joel is pushing back, but something nudges at you. This is what he wants. He wants pancakes with your mom’s peach pie filling, just like Sarah always requested on her birthday. 

“I think we can make that happen.” 

Ellie bustles in ready for Sunday breakfast soon after. You wonder if she knows what today is. Tommy, Maria, and Elias wander in unannounced but welcomed nonetheless. Elias walks around on unsteady feet, still getting his sea legs under him. 

Joel pulls you out of the house after you eat, hand in hand. He doesn’t say anything to Tommy and Maria, leaving you with the impression that this was all planned in advance. Two horses are already saddled. “What do you have up your sleeve?”

“I’m taking you somewhere.” Joel smiles, handing you the reins. 

You go in the opposite direction of your last expedition. This ride is quieter, the breeze rustling through the tall grass and the horses’ snorts your only company. You travel over one of the smaller ridges, greeted with a smattering of blues, yellows, and oranges. You pull the horse to a stop in awe of the beauty. Joel smiles back at you.

“Is this where you’ve been gettin all the flowers?”

“They’re at their peak this week. Wanted you to see them.”

He grins. “C’mon.”

You hitch the horses to a tree near a stream. Joel grabs your hand, pulling you deeper into the field of wildflowers. Bees buzz. Butterflies flap around. Joel stops once you’re in the middle. He’s still, a butterfly, painted orange and black, lands on his shoulder. Your breath catches. He stares at it. You swear you see his lips move. His crow's feet crinkle, and the butterfly takes flight, flapping around both of you.

He pulls you to the ground, pulling you to sit between his legs. He buries his head between your shoulders. “I feel closest to her here.”

You smile, hands running across his jeans. “I can see why.”

He hums in acknowledgment, leaving the two of you to sit in peace. Eventually, Joel guides you to the ground, hidden by the growth. It spills out of him like water from a fountain. What he remembers most about her, and what he struggles to recall. What he thinks she would be like now.

He tells you the story of her 5th birthday. Sarah took a pair of safety scissors to her hair, leaving her curls lopsided and sticking up everywhere. She cried while Tommy couldn’t stop laughing at her. 

You laugh, back arching off the solid ground slightly. Joel’s chuckle echoes deeply in your ears. Tears gather in your eyes as he continues to describe the disastrous birthday. 

The sun hangs golden in the sky and the tall flowers make you feel a million miles away from everything, like it’s just the two of you in the whole wide world. Your body thrums like you’ve just woken up from a Sunday afternoon nap on the couch. The gentle breeze is cool against your neck as it rustles through the field

“Thank you,” Joel says. “I needed to talk about this.” 

You nod, looking over at him. “Of course.”

His deep brown eyes are on you, swimming with warmth and affection that makes your chest feel like it could burst. You know that look so well. You wonder if he sees it in you too. You know it’s there. It’s been there for a while now growing with each tender touch and silent moment. You’ve accepted it, but you won’t give it a name. You won’t say it out loud- let the world hear it so it knows what to take from you next. 

Joel cups your cheeks. His callouses skim across your skin so lightly it sends chills all the way down to your bare toes. You turn on your side, hair spilling to the side. You lean in, touching your nose to his, drawing closer to his lips before you pull back, teasing him.

He sighs eliciting another giggle from your throat. His fingers slide over you and land at the base of your neck, guiding your lips to his. He hums against you and you happily fall into him. These days of peace and laziness are so few and far between. Your days outside of the Jackson walls are even fewer, but you’ll sneak out with him any day if it means this. 

When you separate, it’s there in his eyes again burning brighter. His heart speeds up beneath your palm. You can feel the words developing inside him, threatening to pop out and tear it all apart. Joel’s lips barely move, no sound ever leaves them before you cover them with your hand. He looks confused, but he catches it. It’s the same panic he saw that night he found you crying under the pines, and when you turned away from him the first day he snuck you out.

You don’t need to say a word, but he hears your pleas, and he nods, covering your hand with his as you slowly pull it back. 

He kisses your palm, long slow kisses, making his way up your forearm, the crook of your elbow, bicep, shoulder, and collarbone. You’re returned to your back. Joel hovers over you. Your fingers dance over his brow, and his eyes flutter close for a few seconds. 

He’s so relaxed here. The wrinkles set in his forehead and around his eyes are less pronounced making him look 10 years younger. Your heart swells again and for a minute you contemplate throwing caution to the wind, maybe the universe won’t hear you here, taking cover in the wildflowers, muted by the gentle breeze. 

His lips are warm against yours. He moves slow and sweet like honey, like time is his to waste. 

When he pulls away, his eyes are a shade darker. Your breath catches as you notice the desire that’s beginning to pool in them. There’s another unfamiliar layer. It sends a rush through you because you know it’s love. 

Your hands fly to his mouth. You won’t let him say it. He can’t say it. Your head shakes softly, scared to ruin this perfect sacred moment. “Please,” Your voice is barely above a whisper, floating away on the breeze. “Don’t say it, Joel. I- I can’t.” Tears threatened to cloud your vision. You worry he’ll reject you, get fed up waiting for you to let him say it.

He inhales softly, lips deliberately pressing against your palm. “I know, Sweetheart.” Another kiss. “It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

He leans in, leaving soft kisses over your face. Your heart clenches. You should be able to give him this, on today of all days, but you can’t. 

His lips dip to your ear. His breath is hot against your neck. “Mine.”

Your hands thread through his hair. It’s longer than he usually keeps it. His lips touch your cheek and then your lips. It looks chaste, but there’s a promising heat behind it. He pulls back just enough to meet your eyes. “Be mine.” 

You catch the hint of fear in him that maybe those words will send you into a tailspin, but they don’t. It’s a complete statement: be mine. There’s nothing to add to it. You are simply his. It feels like a safe zone. A definition of what the two of you are. It soothes all your anxieties. You can live in the in-between with him. He’s not even asking to be yours but you know he is.

Joel’s forehead rests against yours. Your thumb brushes over his cheek. He’s looking into your eyes with such devotion. At the same moment, he repeats the words a third time, you tell him. “Yes.”

His eyes shine with wonderment like he can’t believe it like this is a dream.  

“I’m yours.” 

A smile tips his lips toward the sky and then they’re on yours. All the words and thoughts he holds back for you translate into the physical.  

Author’s Note: THIS MARKS THE END OF PART I of Woman!

If you’ve taken a look at the masterlist, you’ll see I’ve divided this fic into 3 parts! Please take a look at the short series Before between Parts I and II. It would mean so much! And you get to learn more about Reader’s back story! 💕 thank you all for your continued support!

[justmeinadaze]

Don't Be So Hard Part 3 (Steddie X Plus Size Reader)

A/N: As I'm sure you are used to by now, this chapter carries all the feels. Please enjoy!

Warnings: Older Steddie (Early 30s), Dom Coach Steve Harrington/ Dom Professor Eddie Munson/ Sub (Early 20s) Plus Size Fem Y/N

SMUT, a bit softer this time, intimacy between steddie as well as with the reader

ANGST, Things from the show are mentioned including what happened with Eddie and the earthquake, trauma is expanded upon from things they experienced including both men having nightmares, mentions of the lose of a parent and grief regarding that (reader lost her father who was a first responder).

Reader finally gets to deal with some of the chaos with Martin with and his dad where she talks to the dean about what happened within chapter one. Of course his dad is a dick.

I think that's everything.

Last Chapter here

Word Count: 6532

Eddie bolts up right as he wakes up from another nightmare. 

Since you started spending the night, he noticed he had been having them more frequently. He assumed it was due to the stress of everything that had happened with you and starting this new dynamic which is why he bypassed telling Steve he had been having them even though he promised after the last time he would. 

Wiping the sweat from his forehead, he glanced your way, softly smiling at your sleeping frame as his boyfriend cuddled you to his chest.

After moving the covers, he scooted to the bathroom gripping his side where his old scar ached as he prepared for the long day ahead. 

***

It had been a couple of weeks since you and the guys agreed to take things one step at a time. You talked with Theo, telling him you didn’t feel like you were ready for a relationship at the moment and to your surprise he more than understood.

“I get it. If you ever change your mind though, I’m here.”

Martin had returned to his classes, his presence freezing you entirely when you saw him sitting at a desk across the room. Eddie had beckoned you over with his finger, guiding you into his office. 

“Are you going to be alright? He’s been instructed by his ‘lawyer’ to not talk to you.”

“Lawyer?”

“His dad.”, he sighs as he rolls his eyes. “They’re contesting Steve kicking him off the team but I’m not sure why they waited so long. I offered an alternative course he could take or a different time he can take my class but he refused.”

“It’s ok. I’ll be ok.”

His palms cup your cheeks as his thumbs run along your face. 

“Ok. I’m going to keep an eye on him. You’re safe in my classroom, sweetheart.”

Smiling, you reach up to kiss his lips.

“I know.”

You loved spending time with them on and off campus. Steve ran with you sometimes on the track after your lunch and Eddie would give you books from his office he thought you would enjoy so you could talk about them as soon as you finished. 

They couldn’t take you on dates but they did what they could, making you dinner, renting movies, and sometimes just hanging out on their living room floor talking. You absolutely enjoyed having conversations with them. Eddie seemed to be an adorable nerd regaling you with tales of his band days and how much he missed playing. Steve was a phenomenal listener asking questions and making sure you felt heard. You always returned the favor when it came to him and sports. You didn’t know much on the topic but you adored seeing the man’s eyes light up when he talked about his teams over the years and his hopes for the future.

Your evenings in their bed were euphoric to say the least. They were rough in the best possible way but even better they knew when to be aggressive and when to be soft. Sometimes they were a good mix of both making you cum repeatedly till you were practically convulsing on their mattress. 

“Come on, honey. Give us one more. You can do it, baby. Just focus that fuzzy little brain and let go.”

“I-I-I can’t, Mr. Harrington, please.”

“It didn’t sound like to me he was asking, little girl. Now keep those legs open and give us what we want. If you close them one more time, Steve isn’t going to give you what YOU want.”

“What do you want, Y/N?”, the man cooed above you as his nose grazed yours. “Tell us.”

“I—fuck—I need you to fill me up…like Mr. Munson did. Please!”

Steve thrust into you harder, hitting your overly sensitive and abused g-spot till you were screaming his name.

“There she is! Atta girl. Our good little toy…fuck, baby, your pussy’s still clinging to me. I’m going to give her what she wants.”

His grunts filled your ear as he warmed your insides with both men kissing your neck as you came down from your high.

Afterwards, they would hold you to them whispering praises and how beautiful you were till you fell asleep. Things had been going incredibly well for you but little did you know what was going on behind the scenes. 

One morning at 3am, you woke up alone but noticed their bathroom door open a crack with the light shining brightly through. Eddie was leaning against the counter on the floor with his knees to his chin as he appeared to be rocking back and forth. You vaguely made out Steve’s palms around his boyfriend’s arms as he whispered comforts that didn’t make any sense.

“It’s ok, honey. You’re ok. You’re safe. I’m right here, baby. Vecna’s gone and those things can’t get to you. All the gates are closed.”

Eddie’s whimpers took a while to hit your ears but when you finally heard it, it killed you. While his partner tried to comfort him, your professor was repeatedly saying the same sentence under his breath. 

“I don’t wanna die.”

####################

“Mr. Harrington, your job is to make sure these kids have the best chance at success!”

“I understand that Dean Gillman but that doesn’t require me to coddle them especially when they do something as terrible as what Martin Click did!”

You listen outside the dean’s office as you wait to be called in having received a letter to attend a meeting “regarding the matter of dismissal of Mr. Click.” As soon as you entered the waiting area, Steve’s agitated tone hit you. Your heart broke for him knowing he was just doing what he thought was right. 

“ALLEDGEDLY did.”, said a man you didn’t recognize. “My son isn’t like that freak you spend all your time with.”

“Son of a bitch—”

“That is enough!”, the dean yelled before his voice followed through the reception intercom. “Is Miss Y/L/N here yet?”

When the secretary confirms, she flashes you a comforting smile and gestures towards the office. Right as you walk in, all the masculine energy hits you at once. Steve is fuming but he gently tries to grin your way so you know everything is alright. The dean’s frustrated eyes don’t mask the heavy worry behind them, for you or the star quarterback you weren’t sure. The other man you assumed to be Martin’s father didn’t even turn your way as you took a seat between them. 

“Miss Y/L/N, we called you here because as you’re aware Martin Click was cut from the football team by Coach Harrington here. We have heard all sides of the story as to why but we would like to hear yours.”

“Yes, sir. Um, I was at the diner downtown studying for one of my classes and as I got up to leave Martin said something rude—”

“What did he say?”

“Um… he mentioned my weight—”

“But what exactly did he say?”, Martin’s dad asked sternly cutting you off again.

“If you stop interrupting her and let her finish maybe you’ll find out.”, Steve defended. 

“He called me his favorite piggy. That’s your sons nickname for me since freshman year.”, you growl his way before focusing back on the dean. “I just wanted to leave and go back to my dorm. He followed me out the front door and said I shouldn’t disrespect him in front of his friends—”

“Did you?”

“Does that matter?!”, you yell, fed up with his attitude. “And no for your information. I ignored his rude comment and walked to my car where he pulled my backpack, choked me, and tore my shirt!”

“That’s when Mr. Harrington and Mr. Munson stepped in?”

“Yes, sir. Mr. Harrington threatened to suspend him but Martin was rude and didn’t like that so…”

“This doesn’t sound like my son.”

“I’ve witnessed him harassing her before. Usually, I just reprimand him but this time he went too far.”

“Look, I don’t want to take this to court but I will if I have to. My son deserves to be on this team.”

“Why because his daddy was a quarterback 15 years ago?”

“Said Mr. King Steve Harrington here whose parents have their hands in everything in Hawkins. Do you really think after everything you got this job because you’re a good coach?!”

“Jared…”, the dean warned. 

“Hell, even this little girl. Everyone is going to believe any claims she makes because her father was a hero and my son gets thrown under the bus!”

You rise angerly to your feet but as you step forward, Steve hastily takes hold of your arm and holds you back. 

“Don’t you dare talk about my dad!”

“That is enough! I will personally see to this investigation and notify everyone on the outcome. Mr. Click is to still stay away from Y/N and at this time is still cut from the team.”

Martin’s dad storms out and you thank the dean as you follow suit. 

Steve’s sneakers squeak as he trails behind you and you don’t need to be told where you need to go as you turn into Eddie’s classroom. At the sound of the door opening, your professor quickly stood from the desk he was sitting at doing some busy work. 

“What happened? Is everything alright?”

“Hey, look at me. Are you ok?”, the coach asks as you began to pace. 

“I’m ok. I just…hated that fucking asshole talking about my father.”

Eddie’s gaze shifts towards his boyfriend in confusion who tries to explain as best he can. 

“Dean Gillman is going to finish their investigation on what happened. Jared seems to believe his son is innocent but everyone will take Y/N’s side because her father was a hero.”

“I didn’t know that, sweetheart.”

“I-It’s ok. Most people don’t anymore and I’m not surprised with whatever you both were dealing with at the time that gave you those scars.” You force a smile as you dry the tears that started to fall. “My dad was a first responder. He was out in the field when the earthquake hit… They told my mother and I that he saved over 30 people before one of the buildings he was in…”

Eddie power walked towards you and pulled you into his arms as you cried, not caring if someone walked by and saw. Steve’s head hung as his eyes closed, remembering the chaos they came back to. He didn’t have time to focus on anything else except Eddie and Max when they found them. 

Afterwards, he and Robin did what they could to volunteer and help but he was ashamed to say he never heard the story of your dad. What killed him even more was that maybe your father would still be alive if he and the gang had gotten to Vecna sooner. He always carried that when it came to Eddie. Every time he kissed his scars or held him after a nightmare, Steve blamed himself. If he had been more careful, if he had fought harder with the vines before being pinned, if he had been better…

***

Eddie stood still as the bats began swarming around him. 

Suddenly, one screeched as it dived towards him and he blocked it expertly with his shield. 

“COME ON!”, he shouted at the sky as he continued to fight.

A scream caught his attention causing him to turn that way and squint through the horde surrounding him. You were being attacked as well but the creatures already had you pinned to the floor.

“Y/N?! I’m coming, sweetheart!”

He ran forward but was blocked by a bat that hit him in the chest pushing him backwards. As he continued to try, he was repeatedly stopped as he growled in frustration. 

“NO! Take me, you little fuckers! I deserve it! Leave her alone!”

“Eddie! Steve! Please, help me!”

A tail wrapped around his neck yanking him to the ground as a couple of others did the same with his wrists and ankles. 

“Y/N!”

His head swiveled in your direction as your own tilted and your body stopped moving.

You were gone.

“NO!”

Eddie’s shriek jolted Steve awake as he promptly sat up and attempted to calm his boyfriend. 

“Eddie! Eddie! You’re ok! Everything’s ok, baby!”

“Y/N…Y/N…we need to…where is she…”

“She’s in her dorm tonight, remember? She said she had to study for a test.”

“We need to make sure she’s ok. Vecna’s going to hurt her. Come on.”

“Honey, honey, honey. Vecna’s dead, it’s 2am, and I’m sure she’s safe in her bed.”

“I have to go check, Steve.”, he announced as he got out of bed and headed for the closet to find a shirt. 

“Ok, wait. I’ll call her so you can talk to her.”

“NO! You’re not listening! We need to make sure she’s ok!”

***

At 2:15 you were knocking on their door with an exhausted Steve swinging it open.

“I’m sorry. I tried to get him to call you so he could hear your voice but...”

As soon as you stepped into their house Eddie was on you, his shaking hands cupping your face. 

“Are you alright?!”

“Yeah, baby. I’m ok. Everything is ok.”, you coo in a soft tone as you bring your lips to his. 

“I saw you, Y/N.” His voice cracked as he pressed his forehead to yours. “I saw you in that place and the bats had you pinned. I couldn’t get to you. I tried…I tried to save you…”

“What place, Eddie? I don’t understand.”

 Dropping to his knees, he pressed his face into your stomach as he sobbed mumbling something you couldn’t understand. As you petted his head trying to comfort him, you glanced towards Steve who was now sitting on the edge of the couch with his elbows on his knees, his jaw tight as he glared at the wall trying to keep his emotions in check. 

“It’s ok, baby. I’m right here. No one is going to hurt me or you two. You’re safe, Eddie. Steve, honey, can you get me a pillow?”

Nodding, he disappeared before returning and handing you what you ask for. You thank him, tossing it to the floor, and guiding the metalhead gently down with you as you hold his head to your chest. Another pillow drops beside you and you are suddenly covered with a blanket as Steve descends to lay behind his boyfriend. 

After a while, Eddie became silent and you both realized he had finally fallen asleep. 

“Thank you for coming over.”

“Of course.”, you whisper as you reach over to caress Steve’s face. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m alright, honey. Thank you.”

“You can tell me the truth.”

The man sighs as he takes your hand in his and kisses your palm. 

“It’s been a while since he had nightmares that were this bad. He promised me he would tell me when they were getting worse again.” Your eyes scan his as you wait for him to continue. “We had an incident a few years ago where the nightmares were so bad he just refused to sleep. Scared the hell out of me.”

“What about you? Do you have nightmares?”

“Naw, not like his.”

“But you have them…”

Steve flashes you a smile as he shrugs. 

“It’s not a big deal. My ordeal wasn’t as bad as his.”

“So? Steve, you still have scars. Literally. Just because they aren’t as bad as his doesn’t mean what you went through didn’t hurt.” The coach heavily sighed as he scooted closer to Eddie and wrapped his arm around his waist. “I used to think the same way…after my father died. Everyone in town lost so much, their homes, livelihoods, children and other family members. I thought I had no right to grieve as long as I did…do… but then I realized that it was ok. There’s no timetable or measurement on grief or pain. It’s all valid.”

Leaning over his partner, Steve placed a tender kiss on your lips. 

“You’re really beautiful, you know that?”, he whispers making you smile as he lays back down and you both fall asleep.

################

Eddie stirred at the smell of something cooking, his eyes slowly opening as he realizes you’re no longer next to him. Rising to his feet, he pried Steve’s arm from his hip and went on the hunt for you, finding you in their kitchen. 

“Hey. How’d you sleep?”, you ask as his chocolate eyes take you in. 

Last night he was too in his own head to get a good look at you so he didn’t notice you came over in your pajamas and in that moment he realized he had never seen you in your own sleepwear. Usually, when you came over you were dressed as you were that day and fell asleep naked or in one of their shirts. 

Right now, you seemed extremely comfortable in your red flannel pants and two sizes too big hoodie with the campus insignia etched on the front. Your hair was up in a messy bun and your face didn’t have any of the makeup you normally wore. 

You were perfect. 

Coming up behind you, he wrapped his arms around your middle and you smiled as he rested his chin on your shoulder. 

“Thank you for coming over. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

As you lean into his embrace, you rest your arms over his. 

“You didn’t scare me. I was more worried than anything…about both of you.” Turning off the stove, you turned around to face him, cupping his cheeks to bring his lips to yours. “Do you want to tell me about your dream?”

You sigh as he kisses your forehead before letting you go and taking a seat at their table. Eddie doesn’t move or say anything as he listens to you shuffle around behind him. After placing a plate in front of him with a cup of coffee, you head to where Steve was still sleeping and he watches as you tenderly run your fingers through his hair. 

“Steve, baby. I made some food and coffee. Are you hungry?”

The man grunts out a cute uh-huh but as he reaches forward and finds no one his eyes widen as they fill with panic. 

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s ok. Eddie’s at the table already. He’s alright.”, you murmur as he nods. 

After taking a seat beside his boyfriend, he reaches for his hand and exhales heavily when the man squeezes it lightly and pulls away to grab his fork. Once you and Steve have your own plates, everyone silently nibbles on their food as an awkward silence hangs in the hair. 

You knew they were hiding things from you but you promised not to ask or push so you did what you could to be there ignoring your own worry as they silently struggled. Eddie seemed to be doing the same, silently struggling in his own head which bothered Steve out of his own worry and fear for the man he loved. But the coach held in things of his own saying he could handle it but as you watched him move food around his plate as his head hung, it was clear he couldn’t anymore.

“I’m afraid of water.”, you blurt causing both their eyes to shoot your way as you smile softly. “Not like water, water… I can swim in a pool and stuff but as long as my feet can touch the bottom. When I was little my dad took me to see Jaws and didn’t tell my mom. His thinking was ‘It’s PG so it can’t be that terrifying.’ I was apparently doing ok until the scene where the boy gets eaten. It’s funny even now I think of the stupid fins in the air and I just…” As you jokingly shudder, a smile spreads across their faces.

“After that moment, if I can’t see what’s below me…? No, thank you.”

“I didn’t know who Ozzy Osbourne was till I met Eddie.”, Steve says nonchalantly as he pretends to play with his food, grinning widely when you both laugh.

“Are you serious? Who doesn’t know him? I mean…if you don’t know his music at least you know him as the guy who bit a bat’s head off on stage!”

“Nope. No clue.”

“He’s a bit repressed, babe.”, Eddie cuts in. “Don’t worry. I’ve got him up to speed.”

“Iron Man is a good song. I know metalhead here can play the guitar for it.”

The long-haired boy flashes his partner a toothy grin as he leans back in his chair. 

“Um, I don’t know, I like D & D. I haven’t played in a while but…”

“I knew that about you. It’s still a very prominent club at Hawkins high just so you know.”, you giggle.

“Really? Were you a member?”

“No, God no. I have no idea how to do any of that.”

“Maybe…Maybe I can teach you.”, Eddie replies almost shyly making you blush. 

“I’d like that.”

His eyes lock with yours for a moment before abruptly leaning over the table kiss your lips. They had never met anyone like you let alone anyone who was as kind and adorable as you were being outside of their original friend group. Eddie knew he would never get you to understand how much they appreciated that but he would do whatever he could to protect you and make sure you were happy because you deserved it.

“Also Steve has never seen the movie version of your play.”

“Fucking tattletale.”, Steve joked as your wide, amused eyes met his. 

“Well, I know what we’re doing today.”

###############

You spent the entire day with them making them laugh and forgetting their worries. Eddie ordered a pizza from a restaurant you had never been to and Steve quickly ran out to rent Rocky Horror so you three could watch it. 

“So, you’re going to wear that teddy and lace, right, babe?”

“If that’s what you want, Steve Harrington.”, Eddie cooed playfully towards him. “Good luck finding that anywhere within Hawkins. I’m not even sure how Lilah is doing that.”

“She went on a road trip out of state and brought back some things.”, you grin. “Some of what she brought back doesn’t quite fit me so we’re trying to tailor them but I may need to go buy my own.”

“Can we help?”, the metalhead asks seductively as he crawls to where you were sitting on their floor. 

“Oh, of course.”

“If we go out of state we can take you on a date.” Both your gazes shift to the pretty boy who slides off the couch to lean against it beside you as Eddie sits up and crossed his legs. “I feel bad that we haven’t been able to do that.”

“It’s ok—”

“No, it’s not. We like you…a lot. We don’t want you to feel used.”

Leaning against his shoulder, you nudge your head against Steve like a cat saying hello.

“I like when you use me though.”

“Ah ah. Focus, honey.”, he chuckles as he pats your knee. 

“If we leave Hawkins you two can be intimate. You’ll be able to hold hands and stuff.”

“Oh yeah because everyone in the world is so accepting.”, Eddie smirks. “I’d still hold your hand and sloppily kiss you in public here if you wanted me to.”

Steve smiles tenderly as he caresses his cheek. 

“You’ve been through enough. I don’t want to rile up the down again and have them fucking trying to kill you.”

“Did that happen?”, you ask genuinely surprised. 

“I mean…I was on the run.”

“And? They shouldn’t be hurting you or trying to kill you. No matter what you’re being accused of.” You pause, deciding on if you should ask what you’re thinking. “Is that why you have nightmares? Is that why you say you don’t want to die?”

Both sets of eyes shifted your way as their eyebrows furrowed together.

“I heard you one night in the bathroom. Steve was trying to calm you down and you kept saying you didn’t want to die.”

Eddie fidgets with his fingers as he stares down at the carpet. 

“In my dreams, everything’s the same. I’m not too far from my trailer and the bats are swarming around me. I fight…I die. Last night I heard you screaming for us and I saw them pinning you to the ground…” Steve’s eyes close as he listens to the man he loves speak. “I couldn’t get to you. Those fuckers kept pushing me back every time I tried to run forward. Then you were gone…”

“It’s ok, Eddie, baby. I’m right here. Nothing bad is going to happen to me.”

“I sometimes dream about those bats. Thankfully Eddie and our friends got to me in time before… Most of my dreams are actually about us finding him and Max. If not that then those fucking Russian soldiers who beat the shit out of me.”

“W-What? Steve…I don’t…”

You listen with wide eyes as they talked, none of their words making any sense. You vaguely remembered Will Byers disappearing and suddenly being found, the mall fire, and of course everything with Eddie but the blanks they filled in just left you confused. 

“And that’s not even everything…but what I did just tell you could get us into serious trouble…”, Steve sighed as he dared to look your way. “When we got back everything in Hawkins was a mess but I had to get him to a hospital and be there for my friends. I didn’t even know about your father… I’m so sorry, Y/N. We…we did everything we could but…we were still too late.”

Silently, you rose to your feet and numbly headed for their front door. 

“Y/N, wait—”

As Eddie’s hand grabbed your arm, you turned your body and smacked his cheek.

“How dare you. Do-Do you two just need attention or did you think this was funny?!”

“Do you see us laughing?”, Steve exhales as he stands as well. “We don’t expect you to believe us but like we said we like you.”

“And we trust you.”

Shaking your head in disgust, you leave their home as you loudly slam the door shut.

#############

This time Steve was the one to wake up screaming with Eddie there to comfort him as he hadn’t been able to sleep. 

“It’s ok, babe. Everything’s ok.”

“Russians…Y/N was screaming…I couldn’t—”

“Get to her? Yeah.”

“Fuck.”, the man sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. “What…What time is it?”

“Um, a little after 7am. Why?”

“The library is open. Can we…?”

After throwing on some clothes, Eddie drove them downtown to the library with his boyfriend in tow who silently stared out the window the whole way. No one seemed to be there which they appreciated, not wanting to be around anyone as they struggled with the computer in front of them. 

“I don’t know how this fucking thing…”

“I got it, sweetheart. Let me see what I can find.” Steve leaned his head against Eddie’s shoulder not caring in that moment if anyone saw. He was so grateful he was there and knew what he needed without having to say a word. “There he is. It looks like the mayor’s office did a whole tribute for people that were lost that day.”

Both men stared at the image of your dad in his firefighter uniform as the metalhead softly read the caption underneath.

“Fredrick Y/L/N, firefighter first responder, died March 27, 1986, after saving thirty people that were stranded in a nearby housing facility after the earthquake shook Hawkins. The building he was in was unstable but managed to clear the structure before it came down. The residents tried to save him but were unable.”

“Jesus.”, Steve exhaled as Eddie continued to scroll. 

“Steven, look. There she is.”

As he points to screen, they both take in your sad little face as you stand beside your mom who was accepting your dad’s metal of heroism from the new mayor. 

“I didn’t want to be there.” Even though you’re whispering, both men are startled by the sound of your voice as you step closer. Your eyes were just as hollow as theirs, as if you to hadn’t gotten much if any sleep. “My mom said I had to but I just wanted to stay in bed. The mayor and people in town kept talking to us and thanking us. I kept thinking ‘What for? My dad was the one who did anything.’ I guess it just made people feel better.”

Pulling up a chair, you sit behind them, and dig through your backpack before producing a few photocopied articles you had found the evening prior before the librarian kicked you out to close. One had the wanted photo of Eddie that had been placed around town as well as the defaced pictures of his Missing Person posters. Another someone must have snuck in to take had the metalhead in a hospital bed, handcuffed to the rail, and hooked up to so many machines.

One article was about the fire at the mall with a photo of the building. Within the EMS van in the background was a younger Steve with a bloody face and a blanket wrapped around his arms. The other papers in your hand, you flipped through quickly displaying stories of corruption in Hawkins, the shutdown of the lab, and people mysteriously disappearing.

Taking a hold of everything, Steve slid them back into your backpack and gestured for you to follow them out the front door. Silently, Eddie opened the back door to his van and reached for your hand to help you in before jumping in behind you. The other man took his keys, starting the car, and drove out of the parking lot. 

***

When you woke up, you were still in the back of their van but you had fallen asleep in Eddie’s arms utilizing one as a pillow as his steady breathing warmed the back of your neck. The doors were open as Steve sat on the edge staring out into a field you didn’t recognize.

Sliding out of the metalhead’s embrace, you crawled to the end and placed yourself beside the other boy.

“Where are we?”

“Trailer Park.”, he answered without looking your way. “After the earthquake, they moved everyone way from the area because it was so close to one of the cracks. Since it cut through their trailer, they left it here.” He gestured in front of him towards the structure that was practically cut in half. 

Words were graffitied along the side that read “Freak” and “Murderer” and the windows that you could see were smashed open.

“This is where Chrissy died.”, Eddie whispered as he crawled over to sit next to you. “I tried to save her but…”

“How long were you in the hospital?”

“Over a month. They were pretty sure I wasn’t going to make it. Stevie here stayed with me and checked on me every day or so I was told.”, he smiled. “When I woke up, I was terrified but he was there.”

“When Hopper came back, he helped clear his name but obviously this town has a mind of their own.”, Steve added. 

“Why do you stay?”

“We’re pretty sure Vecna is gone and never coming back…that all the evil he brought with him has disappeared but…Eddie and I decided a long time ago that we would stay and protect people if we were wrong.”

“The same people that called him a murderer? That demean you and hurt you both?”

“It’s more than that, Y/N. There are A LOT of good people here to…people like you.”

Your palm reached out to caress Eddie’s face as he smiled, placing his hand over yours. 

“I’m sorry I hit you.”

“It’s alright.”, he shrugs. “I would have been shocked if you immediately believed us, honestly.”

The hand you had on his cheek trailed down the man’s chest and lingered at the hem of his shirt. Pausing for only a moment, he lifted it over his head and allowed you get a good look with new eyes. 

“Now I see why you like to take control.”, you smirked making him smile as well. “Eddie, baby, I’m so sor—”

His palms grabbing your cheeks and bringing your lips to his cut you off as he passionately kissed you, guiding you onto your back as he grinds his lower half against yours. 

In hurried, needy motions, he yanked down your pants and panties, tossing them to the side before pressing his face into your cunt. As his lips and tongue devoured you, Steve fell by your side, lifting off your shirt, and kissing you at a much delicate pace than his partner as his palm roamed your breast. 

Both their actions felt completely different than how they normally were with you so you decided to do something different as well as your hand tangled into Eddie’s messy hair.

“Oh my God, Eddie. That f-feels so good.” 

Pushing up on your elbows, you watched as Steve’s mouth trailed down your stomach before the metalhead tilted upward so he could kiss his boyfriend’s lips. Besides that one time, they were rarely intimate in front of you when you three played but seeing them now after hearing their story had you clenching around Eddie’s fingers as he slid them into your pussy. 

The long-haired man continued kissing any part of him he could reach as the pretty boy began sucking at your clit while your hand petted his head. 

“Fuck, Steve, just like that.”

When Eddie’s tongue replaced his digits, you knew you wouldn’t last much longer. Both their organs flicking against you was an overwhelming sensation you had never experienced before. Your body trembled and shook as you came, your hands clinging to any piece of them you could as you floated back down to earth. 

Quickly with fumbling fingers, Eddie unbuckled his belt and pushed down his jeans enough to free his cock before guiding it into your dripping core. He seemed lost in the feeling of you as he almost aggressively thrust his hips, pounding his length deep inside you.

“E-Eddie, please. Slow…slow down.”

All of a sudden, his head shot up as his eyes found yours.

“I-I’m not hurting you am I?”

“No, no, baby. I just…need you to go…a little slower…at first. I’m sorry.”, you whimper.

Flashing you a gentle smile, he brings his lips to yours as he does what you ask. 

“I’M sorry, sweetheart. Whenever we…we talk about this stuff…we both tend to get…”

“It’s ok. I understand. I just… both your cocks are so big.”

The breathy laugh/whine that leaves Eddie has you softly giggling as well. 

“How is that both sexy and adorable coming out of your mouth?”, he beams. “Ok, pretty girl. I’ll go slow.” As he continues to wait, you glance over his shoulder watching as Steve grips the man’s hips and scrunches his nose in pleasure as he slides into his entrance. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

Eddie falls flat against you, his arms resting on either side of you head as he groans into your ear and starts gradually thrusting. A palm caresses your cheek and you shift your gaze to the other boy as you kiss the pad of his thumb.

“Fuck, you both feel so good. Cum, baby. I need to feel it. I need to feel you.”

Nodding, you gave him the ok to pick up his pace and he obliged, pounding his hips into your own while he sucked and kissed the sweet spot on your neck. Chanting his name, you shudder as you came. Eddie slowed his rhythm as he fucked you through it, your pants warming his mouth as he rested his forehead against yours. 

“Good girl.”

With heavy eyes, you watched and whined when the metalhead pulled out, smirking slightly when they switched places.

Steve’s tongue mingled with yours as he kissed your lips, maneuvering himself between your legs, and moaning as he effortlessly entered your heat. Leaning his head on yours, he loudly mewls as his boyfriend guides his cock into him and slowly pumps his hips. 

“Thank you.”, Steve whimpers under his breath as he rolls his waist between you both. 

“F-For what, baby. Tell me.”

“Mmm—f-for believing us. For—fuck—carrying another one of our secrets. We don’t deserve you.” He whispers out his last sentence quickly as he thrusts himself into you a bit faster and harder. 

“Yes, you do Steve. After everything you both went through—shit—make me cum. Please.  

Clinging to your body, he pressed his nose into your cheek as he hit that sensitive spot inside of you repeatedly while Eddie hit his when he bounced back against him. Your back arched as the coil snapped and Steve came with you, his humid breath hitting your skin as he filled you up with his release. Ringed fingers gripped his shoulders as the metalhead slammed his hips roughly into his boyfriend before falling onto his back as he pumped his spend into him.

Eddie falls beside you as Steve climbs between the seats in search of something to clean you with. 

“Edward Munson.”

“Hmmm Steven Harrington.”

“Why are there no napkins or tissues in your van?”

“You keep blaming me for these things when again, babe, I wasn’t prepared to be fucking in my van.”

“Honey, how many times have we fooled around in here?”

You giggle at there banter as you reach for your backpack and dig into one of the pockets to produce a tissue. 

“As a girl, I feel I always have to be prepared.” After he cleans you, you sit up and glance out into the field where the cut in half trailer rests. “Where does your family live now?”

“Um, they gave my uncle a small little home a few miles down the way. When I got out of the hospital, I stayed with him till Steve and I got our place.”

“And your parents?”

“Another time, baby. Let’s get back home and get some rest.”

Eddie smiles as he kisses your forehead and climbs into the driver’s seat while Steve sits on the passenger’s side but turns his body to face you both. 

“I promise that secret is safe with me. No matter what happens.”

Both men’s eyes meet before the metalhead starts the car and begins to drive. You didn’t clarify but they knew what you meant. If anyone found out about you three or something happened where you couldn’t be together you would remain silent on everything they had told you. That particular fear was always in the back of their minds to. 

After putting on your shirt and panties, you crawled into the gap between their seats and leaned your head against Eddie’s thigh as you reached out to hold Steve’s hand. Tenderly he kissed the back of it, while the metalhead brought his own palm down to play with your hair.

###############

@joannamuns9n @dckweed @corkadymu @lilaclazer @aol19 @nailbatanddungeon @dashingdeb16 @micheledawn1975

[psychickiss]

i’m not too late

— saiki kusuo x reader (gn, 2nd pov)

— summary: You come over to Saiki’s house to give him a (kind of last minute) birthday gift, which ends with you two hanging out in his room.

— notes: nottt beta read also!! maybe ooc kusuo 😵 also also! dt @kusuokisser

— things: confessions... blah blah... romantic!! quite awkward

— masterlist | request form | retrospring

Saiki’s mom calls out to her son, “Ku! Check who’s at the door for me, please?”

Saiki nods. He’s already heard the inner voice of whoever rung the doorbell to his home– he knows it’s you, and he knows why you’re there.

“Belated happy birthday, Saiki! Sorry I’m late, I didn’t know your birthday at first.”

Now, he needs a way out.

First, he accepts your gift. Maybe you’ll leave after he takes it. Of course, Saiki can’t just rudely shut the door on you– he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings get scolded by his mom. So, he engages in small talk. “It’s alright. You got the month right, at least. The only ones who greeted me correctly are Mera, Aiura and– to my surprise– Toritsuka.”

Confused, you ask, “And who... got the month wrong?”

“Everyone else. We partied in May. Is that all?”

Saiki tunes in to your thoughts, and he’s hopeful he’ll spend the rest of the day alone. Yes? No? I wanted to hang out, but maybe not? He clings onto that “maybe not” of yours.

Like any other person, you get curious. You ask him again, “No...? May? You guys partied in May?”

“It’s a long story,” he says. He’s hearing your (still) inquisitive thoughts. Saiki internally sighs. I need to get this over with, quick. There’s a show I want to watch that airs at 4:30 PM. It’s only 1 PM, but time is fast. He steps to the side, allowing you to walk past the gate. He doesn’t know why he’s letting you in. Saiki takes off his footwear before entering his house, and you do the same.

Saiki announces his presence to his mom, as well as yours. “Oh, dear! Are you here to celebrate Ku’s birthday? Have you eaten lunch already?”

You nod in response to both questions from Saiki’s mom. “Well, I’m not too sure about the celebration part... I figured I’d just give Saiki his gift, then leave–”

Saiki’s mom shakes her head. “No, stay! You obviously made the effort to come all the way here. Stay as long as you’d like.”

Good grief. Saiki forgot to take his mother’s friendly nature into account...

“Okay, I’ll stay.”

... As well as your politeness. Not to mention, the fact you’ve been looking for opportunities to be alone with him.

So, you and Saiki head up to his room.

You two aren’t the closest of friends. Sure, you’d go straight for him when you needed a partner for school and you two would sometimes walk home together, but you aren’t as close to him as Nendou and the others.

That doesn’t stop you from having feelings for Saiki, though. What started as a silly crush to help you pass the time in class developed into full-on fantasies of going on dates with him.

Usually, Saiki wouldn’t mind such things when it came to people like you– people who don’t act on their feelings– because that means he wouldn’t need to actively avoid you, but you confused him.

Saiki sometimes wanted nothing more than to ask you about your feelings for him, but that just felt uncharacteristic for him to do.

He wants you to act on your feelings– tell him how you feel. For what reason? He cannot put a pin on it. Not yet.

Saiki opens the door to his room, letting you enter first.

You sit on the foot of his bed and ask, “Did you have fun?”

Saiki sits on the chair in his room, which isn’t too far from you, before answering. “I don’t really celebrate my birthday in the way others would, but I splurged and bought lots of coffee jelly. My mother baked cake too.”

You give him a small smile. “So, is that a yes?”

Saiki nods.

Saiki didn’t really have much of a plan or intention to kick you out of his house. You didn’t talk his ear off as often as his other friends, so he figures you two can sit in his room alone in silence. He doesn’t hear you mentally complain, anyway. Most of your thoughts at that moment were in regards to the way his room looked.

Most of your thoughts.

I should ask about the show that’s going to air later this noon. Oh. My god. I can’t believe I’m alone with the guy I like, it’s the perfect time to confess!

Saiki hears your thoughts, yet he does not do anything about the confession part. He and you both know you’ve thought of confessing your feelings multiple times but chickened out everytime.

Hm. Saiki wonders if this time, you get the courage and finally tell him. He knows what he’ll say.

Your eyes dart nervously to Saiki, then at the TV right next to his bed, where you’re seated.

“Have you... Do you know about the show that’s airing later? 4:30?”

Saiki nods.

“Would you want to watch it together?” You take a deep breath after asking. Fortunately, he nods.

“Would you like something to drink? Or eat?” Saiki asks. If you’re staying, he might as well be a good host.

“Ah, just water. Maybe, uhm, coffee jelly– if you’re going to get some of your own.”

Saiki nods and he exits his room, leaving you alone.

You eye the gift you handed to Saiki. You had only gotten him a cardigan, unsure of any specific tastes of his, although the design was quite... un-Saiki; it wasn’t plain, but it wasn’t too much design. It just didn’t look like something he’d wear often, though you figured he could probably try out new things.

You just hope he likes it. To be safe, you had bought him a gift card to the store you got his gift from.

Saiki opens the door with a tray in his hands. Two cups of coffee jelly and one glass of water.

You make yourself comfortable on the floor of his room, Saiki sitting across from you and setting the tray down.

You take a sip of water before muttering, “Thank you.” Saiki gives a small nod before silently eating his coffee jelly.

He doesn’t really like being talked to while he’s eating, you think. You’re left to just look at Saiki with that expression he’s always wearing when he’s eating anything sweet. It’s cute.

You’re opting to confess, Saiki feels it. As unromantic as the scene seemed to be– two friends sitting on the floor without talking– he figures if he should be confessed to, it’d have to be nothing grand.

Plus, he knows what he’ll reply, anyway. He’s prepared his response since the first time you backed out of confessing to him.

You grab a plastic spoon and open your cup of coffee jelly. Before you take a bite of the sweet treat, you finally say the words.

“I like you.”

I know. I’m still chewing, hang on.

You quickly eat a spoonful of coffee jelly before Saiki could even respond. Say something, please?

You anxiously eat your coffee jelly, waiting for Saiki to finish eating his.

...

Finally, finally, Saiki replies.

“I don’t really know yet, but I might like you too.”

You feel as though a wave of relief washes over you. At least it’s not a rejection. Oh my god. “Really?”

Saiki nods. He doesn’t say anything else, and in shock, neither do you.

“Don’t ask me how I know this–”

Mentally, you interject, I probably won’t, but continue.

“–but I know you’ve liked me for a while now.”

You sigh in frustration. “I thought I was hiding it well...”

I can’t help that I have telepathy. Saiki discards that thought, instead saying, “No, you were pretty obvious.”

You laugh quietly. “God, I’m sorry! Glad that you might like me back. At least that being obvious wasn’t in vain.” You smile at Saiki. “Belated happy birthday, again. Next year, I’ll be sure to greet you on time.”

Saiki lets out an amused hum. “We’ll see.”

[dark-frosted-heart]

From a Mean Lie, Love Begins - Roger Barel

As usual, can’t guarantee 100% accuracy on this. Secondhand embarrassment ahead.

After finishing dinner, I had some free time and so I decided to help Roger with his research.

As I descended the stairs leading to the basement like usual, I heard two people talking and stopped in my tracks.

(Roger and…Harrison?)

Their expressions were so serious that I couldn’t find the right time to call out to them.

Harrison: …In such a bad shape?

Roger: Yeah. Heard from experts that it can’t be returned to its original state. Spine’s so wrecked and can’t stand without support.

Harrison: So caught up in research that you can’t even take care of yourself. What a laugh. …Could’ve done something about it if it was caught sooner.

(What does he mean…? Roger, are you in such a bad state that you can’t stand…?)

He looked fine last night while happily drinking.

(But…there are some illnesses out there that are invisible)

(Was he self-destructing by drinking so much because he couldn’t save himself…?)

Roger: Well, I’ll see what I can do for now. I got a reputation of not being a quitter. Just gotta hang in there ‘til the end. If you can’t…then we’ll deal with it when the time comes.

As I secretly peeped at them, I saw Roger give a weak smile.

(Roger’s body really is wrecked…)

(He couldn’t have been lying if Harrison’s there…)

I couldn’t bring myself to say anything and quietly left before they could notice.

–

(I wasn’t aware that Roger’s condition was that bad…)

(But now that I know…I can change my behavior)

(Tomorrow, I’ll do my best to support Roger so that he doesn’t suffer)

The day after learning about Roger’s condition, I secretly made a decision. I’ll immediately start helping him out.

–

Kate: Here, Roger. Open your mouth please.

After cutting the meat on the plate into bite-sized pieces, I held it up to Roger’s mouth.

Roger: …? I can eat by myself, lil’ lady.

Kate: Please don’t overwork yourself! I’ll be supporting you throughout your life! 

Roger: The hell’s gotten into you?

Roger tried to stand up with a puzzled look on his face, and I rushed to stop him.

Kate: Ah, please don’t force yourself to stand!

Roger: I just wanna get a drink…

Kate: I’ll get it for you!

I stood up instead and got Roger a glass of water.

Kate: Here you go Roger.

Roger: Thanks…

Alfons: Good grief…Stop worrying about that muscle-headed, research-obsessed idiot and feed me, little robin?

Kate: …You’re feeling fine, aren’t you Alfons? You don’t need help, do you?

Alfons: I’m certainly feeling rather energized this morning, however…

With the way you’re speaking…You make it sound as if Roger’s not well.

Kate: …

I became depressed as I thought back to yesterday’s conversation.

Roger: …Lil’ lady?

Kate: I heard it yesterday. The conversation between you and Harrison… That your body was so wrecked that you couldn’t stand…!

Roger: Hm? That’s…

Alfons: Oh? I knew you wouldn’t live long but is it finally time to kick the bucket?

Roger: …

At the question, Roger exchanged glances with Harrison and then let out a sigh.

Roger: …Everyone’s gonna wind up six feet under eventually. It just depends on when.

(If you’re not denying it, then it’s true…?)

Kate: Please don’t talk about giving up like that…! I may not understand your condition, but I’ll be supporting you from today onward!

Roger: That’s helpful. Well I got some research I’d like you to help me with now…

Kate: Please leave it to me!

–

I was helping Roger out with his research like he’d asked and it was approaching midnight.

Roger: It’s getting late. Why don’t you get back to your room, lil’ lady?

Kate: What about you?

Roger: …I’ll get some rest too.

Kate: Liar. You’re going to keep working, aren’t you?

When I glared at Roger for that impromptu lie, he just shrugged.

Roger: …I got some interesting data so I wanna work on it for a bit longer.

Kate: It’s not like the data’s going anywhere tomorrow and the numbers won’t change. Take it easy and look after yourself.

I forced Roger out of his chair and onto an infirmary bed.

Roger: Are you planning on helping me not just today, but the next day onward too?

Kate: Yes. I’m worried about your health so that’s my intention.

Roger: Heh, your thoughts never fail to surprise me. You’d agree to anything I’d ask you right now, wouldn’t you?

Kate: Is there anything else you want me to do?!

Roger asked me to help with his research today, but…that’s just an extension of how I usually help him.

(If I could do anything for Roger since he’s not physically well…I’d do it)

Roger: Yeah…How about this. Kiss me. Roger grabbed my hand as he sat up in bed.

(Why a kiss…ah)

(If you don’t feel well, then you’ll feel even more lonely or hopeless…)

No doubt the kiss wouldn’t have any special feeling behind it…rather, it’d  just be some physical contact to fill the loneliness.

(Roger’s selfishly kissed me numerous times before)

(No point in rejecting him at this point)

(More importantly, I’d like to help Roger when I can…)

Because I’m standing, I don’t have to go on my tiptoes to kiss him today.

To keep it from getting in the way,I tucked my hair behind my ear with the hand not being held by Roger.

Kate: Nn…

I gave Roger a light peck.

Though it was just a brief, I filled Roger’s heart with all the compassion I could muster.

Roger: Ha…it’s still not enough.

Roger tugged hard on the hand he was holding.

Kate: …Oof

Roger was pushed down onto the bed as he pulled me toward him.

Kate: A-are you alright?! Does it hurt anywhere?

Roger: Nothing hurts so just leave it. That aside, do it again.

Kate: …

At his begging, I pushed Roger down and kissed him again.

This time, his hand went up to the back of my head to keep me from pulling away too soon.

Kate: Nn…haaa…

Roger’s tongue slid into my mouth and tangled with mine.

Breathtaking kisses were something Roger had shown me.

(I don’t know how many more kisses like this I’ll get…)

The thought of it made my heart ache…I continued to kiss Roger to make him happy.

Roger: …You’d really do anything, wouldn’t you?

Roger mumbled as our lips parted.

Roger: Do you do this with anyone you know is weak…?

(I tried to imagine it but…it’d be difficult to do this with anyone but Roger)

(Roger’s touched me before, so it’s a different set of obstacles from others…I think)

Kate: I think it’s normal to want to do things for someone who’s suffering.

Roger: …If that’s the case, then I can’t just go quietly.

Kate: …Huh?

Roger: Who’ll take care of Crown when I’m gone? They could call in a doctor from the outside, but it’d be hard to respond at my speed. And if that does happen, you’d have a lot of weak men lying around you. Don’t wanna put you in a situation where you’d be compassionate toward weak men besides me.

(Are you saying this to protect me…? But…)

Kate: But even if you say that, your body’s already…

Roger: Ah…Think it’s time I cleared up this misunderstanding.

Kate: Misunderstanding…?

Roger: That conversation you heard between Harrison and me was actually about—

~~ Flashback ~~

Roger: …?

Harrison: What’s up?

Roger: Nothing, just heard the lil’ lady’s footsteps…But she turned back.

Harrison: She probably read the air when she saw how serious we looked.

Roger: We weren’t talking about anything important so she could’ve just come in.

Harrison: Not important…Roger, do you really understand the value of this book? It’s a book signed by Edgar Allan Poe and it got ruined by chemicals…! The spine’s falling apart and the chemical’s made the text fade so much it’s unreadable. It couldn’t even stand on its own when I put it on a bookshelf…

Roger: It was a gift, but I got so caught up in my research that I got careless.

Harrison: *sigh*...This is why people only interested in research are nothing but trouble.

~~ End flashback ~~

Roger: So…It wasn’t me that got wrecked but a book.

Kate: Really…?

Roger: Yeah, really. As you can see, I’m healthy as a horse. Sorry for playing around with you without clearing it up right away. Thought it’d be a good excuse to get you to help with some research. I’ll take all your complaints.

Kate: Y-you’re the worst!!

With a singular curse, I ran out and to my room.

After closing the door, I collapsed on the spot.

Kate: That’s a relief… At least Roger isn’t dying…!

Feeling relieved, uncontrollable feelings spilled out in the form of tears.

I ran from Roger because I didn’t want him to see me cry. 

Roger’s voice: …Lil’ lady.

Roger’s voice could be heard from out in the hallway.

Kate: W-what is it? I’m mad at you right now…!

Roger’s voice: I wanna apologize, so open the door.

Kate: Don’t want to…

Roger’s voice: That so. …With the lie I told, I don’t blame you.

I thought Roger would give up once I refused him, but he showed no signs of leaving.

Kate: Um…You’re not going back to your room?

Roger: I’m gonna wait ‘til you open the door for me.

(If you say that, then i have no choice but to open the door…)

I wiped my eyes and opened the door.

Roger: …

Kate: D-did you by chance…hear anything when I came back to my room?

Roger’s curse gave him supernatural hearing.

“At least Roger isn’t dying…”

If he heard me say that as I cried, then my angry act would be all for nothing.

Roger: No? Didn’t hear anything. Anyway, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let that misunderstanding about my life go that far.

Kate: … …You said you lied to get me to help you. So why the kiss?

Roger: You were worrying so much over taking care of me that it was endearing. I wanted to dote on you.

Kate: That wasn’t doting?! I’d call that making things difficult for me!

Roger: Really? I always thought you enjoyed the kisses. If I got the wrong idea then sorry. Let’s try again to be sure.

Kate: Why are you always taking things in that direction!  Do you even actually feel sorry at all?

Roger: I think so…Sorry.

Roger’s sudden, touching apology distracted me from my anger.

Roger: I won’t lie to you anymore. If me living longer makes you happy, then I’ll do just that.

Kate: I-I knew it. You did hear what I said when I got back to my room!

Roger: Whoops, that’s right. I didn’t hear a thing.

Kate: If you’re going to lie, then go through with it…!

Roger: Pfft…Haha.

Kate: …What are you laughing at?

Roger: Though I love how you look when you cry, I think I also love the way you yell with so much energy. Sorry for worrying you the whole day.

Roger roughly patted my head.

As I begrudgingly looked up at him, I realized that my heart was racing again.

(Roger already heard me say that I was relieved that he wasn’t going to die, but…)

(...I hope he doesn’t notice the sound of my heart racing as he pats my head)

[tsunami-of-tears]

Peace

Cassian x Reader

Summary: Your cousin passes away abruptly and Cassian is there to help pick up the pieces. 

A/N: Another self-insert fic because writing is so ✨healing✨ ~ apologies, this one is super sad

Wordcount: 1K

Warnings: hurt/comfort, death of a relative, chronic illness, dealing with grief/loss

Time stands still as your father’s words echo in your mind. 

“She didn’t make it.”

Your cousin and the Princess of Adriata, Cresseida, had at last succumbed to her devastating illness. She’d suffered a lot, but you selfishly thought you’d have more time. There was still so much you wanted to ask her. She had so much wisdom that you’d never get to hear. You didn’t even have the chance to tell her about your mate, Cassian. 

Your mate. Your rock. 

Though your heart aches at the loss, you are grateful to have Cassian to help you through it. Together you were an unbreakable force. 

However, not unbreakable enough to grant him entrance to the Summer Court for Cresseida’s funeral. 

That ban was still firmly in place as the bond was new. With all that had happened, you hadn’t had the chance to mention it. Your father, Tarquin, was grieving profusely - so you didn’t think it was appropriate. 

I’ll tell him after the funeral, we can wait a little bit longer. 

Though Cassian wanted to be there for you in person, he supported your decision to keep things quiet.

Cresseida was like an auntie to you. As the eldest of Tarquin’s six children, you had the honour of saying a few words at the funeral ceremony. 

The weeks leading up to the funeral went by in a blur. You went about your days feeling numb to the world. You hadn’t shared a single tear over your cousin. It didn’t feel real. 

You’d put off writing your eulogy until the last minute for that very reason. You still struggled to wrap your head around the fact that she was gone. Just. Like. That. 

Never again would you hear her laugh or see her smile. You’d never again get to hear the stories about her childhood with your father, not in the way she could tell them.

“It’s all wrong,” you sigh, exasperated over your eulogy. Your desk was littered with scrunched-up papers, your hands were covered in smears of ink. 

A warm hand gently strokes your back, attempting to soothe you. 

“Sweetheart, you’re overthinking it,” Cassian says.

You slump forward, head in your hands. “I don’t know why I agreed to this. I’m not good at this sort of thing,” you groan.

“We both know you’re the best person for the job. She loved you, I know she’d be proud of you, just like I am.” Cassian moves his hand to hold your face, tilting your face to look up at him.

You nod and press your cheek into his palm. Cassian leans down and plants his lips on yours. His love and encouragement flood down the bond. “You can do it, you’ve got this,” he says against your mouth. 

You lean into him again, kissing with more heat and raw need. Your arms wrap around his neck, fingers tangle in his hair as he grabs your hips and effortlessly lifts you onto the desk. 

For a moment, you get lost in passion with your mate. Until the loud crash of books falling from the desk gets your attention. 

Cassian pants heavily as he pulls away, you groan as you rest your forehead against his broad chest. “I really need to finish this and head to Summer. I can’t right now.”

Cassian kisses you, softly and sweetly. “Of course, sweetheart,” he says.

————

The following morning, you stand outside the temple with one of your sisters, watching everyone file in. There are so many people you don’t recognise. 

Your eyes brim with tears.

This is it. She’s really gone.

You look at your sister and the floodgates burst open. 

Tears pour and pour and pour. You feel like you’re drowning in devastation. You can barely take in enough air to breathe.

Your sister pulls you into a tight hug as you let out choked sobs. She rubs your back and you manage to calm your breaths. In, and out.

You sigh into the embrace and wish you hadn’t opted to wear makeup. You attempt to wipe the smears from under your eyes to no avail - the tears just keep falling. 

It’s time to go inside and begin, so you walk down the middle aisle to your seats in the front row, avoiding making eye contact with everyone. 

As you settle into the chair, the organ starts to play a soft song. The High Priestess steps to the front of the dais and begins the ceremony.

You continue to cry through most of it, as your father and other relatives speak. 

You somehow manage to compose yourself to deliver your own eulogy. You only choke on the final line.

“I love you. I hope that wherever you are, you’re at peace now.”

————

You have a dark cloud over your head for the rest of the day. 

So many strangers come up to compliment you on your beautiful words. You thank them all for their kindness, offering handshakes and hugs, but it feels shallow. 

A trace of bitterness sets in, they don't understand. They didn’t know her like you did.

You endure the wake for your father’s sake. He’s really hurting, and he needs you here. It’s the time to be with family, you just feel at a loss without all of yours. 

————

After the longest day of your life, you finally get to return home. 

You open your front door to Cassian plating up dinner. Nothing too crazy, just your favourite comfort meal - mac and cheese. It’s then that your stomach rumbles and you remember that you’ve barely eaten all day.

Cassian looks up as you enter, putting down the saucepan and opening his arms to embrace you. “Come here my love, I’m so proud of you. Cres would be too. I wish I could have got to know her better.”

You nod in response. Words are too hard right now.

“I made your favourite, come and eat. You’ll feel better.” You give Cassian a small smile as you sit and tuck into the cheesy pasta. He knows you need some extra help today.

After dinner, Cassian carries you to the bathroom, runs your bath and helps you wash.

Wrapped in a towel, you sit at the vanity as he brushes your hair, all while whispering sweet nothings. 

Once you’re dressed, Cassian carries you to bed where you snuggle up on his chest as he reads your favourite book to you. You fall asleep wrapped in his arms, you’re at peace too.

[cyborg-franky]

Another piece I did for the @op-xreader-zine

Marco x GN Reader x Ace TW: Age gap ship - polyam SFW WC: 1,300

Opening the door to your room you saw Ace spread out on the bed, legs hanging off the edge, boots still on, hat thrown over the chair, and a book in his hands. There was a look of concentration on his face, only broken for a brief moment when he waved his hand in greeting. “Have you seen Marco?” you asked and peered around the room, seeing no sign of your other partner.

“No, and I doubt we will for a few hours.” Ace sighed and set the book down on the nightstand before turning to face you, leaning on his elbow with his brows furrowed. You sighed along with him. 

“He’s still in the office isn’t he?” 

Ace nodded.

“Marco needs to take more breaks… This is insane, he can’t keep doing all his work as a doctor and as the captain, he’s taking on too much,” you said as you flopped down next to Ace, feeling an arm snake around you and his chin coming to rest on your shoulder. 

“Yeah, I agree, but he’s such a stubborn old buzzard that blames himself for everything that happened.” You could see a look of sadness cross his face, replaying the events of Marineford over and over. 

“Come on, let's go pay him a visit. He can’t brush off both of us, can he? We’ll bring him some snacks and tea, remind him he’s not a machine,” you said as you leaned over enough to kiss Ace’s freckled cheek before pulling yourself up off the bed.

–

Armed with a tray of drinks and snacks, you and Ace headed to Marco’s office. He never took up the captain’s chamber; he just didn’t have the heart to work there, to be reminded why he was the new captain, the wounds still not healed; wounds that deep would emotionally scar him for years to come. You tried not to think of it like that, but you and Ace hadn't been there half as long as Marco and hadn’t known Pops as he had.

All you could do was try and lift him when his heart became too heavy. You knocked on the door with no reply. Another knock, still nothing. Ace rolled his eyes and handed you the tray before he just opened the door, barging in. “Birdbrain!” Ace called and got a very sleepy look in return from Marco.

“Oh, I didn’t hear you, yoi,” Marco hummed, leaning back in his chair watching as you and Ace came inside. Ace walked over to the desk and started to move papers and maps, earning himself a scornful look and a tsk from Marco who kept trying to pull things back. 

“No more work tonight,” you piped up, helping Ace clean the table before Ace retrieved the tray of snacks from its perch on the side table, setting it on his desk instead, Marco’s little personal mini office when he brought work back to their room with him.

“I still have so much to do, I’ll stop in an hour.” Marco stretched over the desk to grab at a log book, just to have his hand swatted by you and Ace at the same time. 

“No, it’s time to rest, have a midnight snack with us,” Ace said firmly, using his own commander voice on Marco.

“See, midnight isn’t bad.” Marco was still trying to protest as you pulled up a chair closer to him, Ace doing the same as he started to help himself to the snacks you’d brought. 

“Marco, you need to take it easy, you’ve taken on so much. Too much.” You placed your hand on his, stopping it from reaching for his pen. Feeling your fingers lace together, you gave him a concerned smile.

“I don’t have time to rest. There’s still so much to do, yoi.” Ace added his hand to the two of yours and gave Marco a firm look, nose wrinkled as he huffed. 

“You won’t do anyone any good if you work yourself to death, I don’t think the phoenix will be much help then.”

“He’s right Marco,” you agreed and saw how Marco slouched in his seat, knowing you were both right and not liking his partners teaming up on him. He was such a stubborn man, trying to carry everything on his shoulders.

All together, Marco was trying to carry his old duties, new duties, the grief, the guilt, everything. He was carrying a bigger weight than anyone could ever imagine and you just wished you could lighten his load.

Marco’s half-lidded eyes stared at the tray of treats, watching steam from the tea twist and turn in the air. When he breathed in to center himself he must’ve gotten a whiff of the tea, his favorite, the smell lingering in the room before he let out a shaky sigh, nodding defeatedly. “Okay, I’ll call it a day.”

“That’s a good birdy,” Ace teased, leaning in and kissing Marco’s cheek, as you did the same on the other side.

Pulling away and seeing the normally cool and collected captain with a pink hue across his cheeks was cute, as was his smile that just grew as he enjoyed being the center of attention.

“You work so hard, you can have breaks. Everyone understands Marco, no one expects you to be used to it yet, to be over it.” You cupped his cheek, feeling him lean into your palm as your thumb brushed his skin. “Let us help you a little more, yeah?” 

Another sigh but at least Marco nodded. Ace added the sugar and milk to Marco’s tea and handed it to him. He gladly took it and took a sip, trying to get absorbed in the moment, to just relax and fade away on calmer waters within his mind. Ace handed you another cup and you smiled back at him.

“I know, I know, I just...” Marco sipped his drink again, trying to organize his thoughts before you set down your cup, linking arms with him. 

“I know Marco, but you are trying to fill literally gigantic shoes. You're doing great, you're an amazing captain.” You leaned against his arm, feeling his shoulders sag, relaxing slowly. You could tell he was struggling with his inner turmoil but appreciated your words.

Ace, with a mouthful of snacks, wrapped his arms around you both, swallowing his food before he kissed Marco’s cheek. “We are all going to be fine, we can do this as a team right?” Ace asked with a determined gleam in his eyes.

You watched as Marco let his gaze slip to the huge scar in the middle of Ace’s chest, thoughts churning within his mind. You nudged Marco, causing him to meet your eye, the lazy smile growing on his face when you held him tighter.  “Riiight?” you prompted him, and he chuckled— such a lovely sound, you’d missed his laugh.

“Right, thank you both.” He wriggled himself loose, this time pulling you both against him, arms around you and Ace, nuzzling his cheek against yours. “I needed this, yoi,” Marco confessed as you and Ace kissed him on the cheek once more before sitting down and digging into the snacks you brought.

“We love you, so we will always be here to make sure you don’t overdo it,” Ace said and closed his eyes, you smiled enjoying the moment with your partners. 

[kunasthiast]

Sanctuary

Life comes by so fast that you just can't process everything all at once. But even when a year already passed, have you already come to terms with it? After all, acceptance is the last stage of our grief, right?

a/n: i am soooo sorry for the long wait and for this new one sksksk – i've been rotting reading and watching angsty stories that this is one i've came up with! but but but, i'll make sure to publish the ones i've been promising to publish by this week haha i just finished my junior year in uni & everything's just been so stressful wOAH

okk enough about that, i hope you'll enjoy this one <333

Pairing: Sukuna x Reader (female) Genre: angsty, No Curses!AU Word Count: 1,679 All characters are of age.This story is 18+. Minors don't interact.

Life just gets the better of you sometimes. Drag you through the mud, not knowing when you can resurface from all those frustrating emotions. It’s just heartbreaking.

But, when we’re in our worst, it’s when we meet the people who’ll stay with us. Yet, the worst thing about this is that they’re only temporary.

He was the best person that ever happened to me. He was there when I was in my lowest of the lowest part of my life. He was my sanctuary. He was the the one that got away. He was my red. He was my everything.

Until he wasn’t.

—

This was the last section you wrote in your journal from years ago. Looking back on it, you realized a lot of the memories, unsaid feelings, and regrets you’ve had in that part of your life.

Closing the journal, you stood up from the chair you’ve been sitting on for the past hour. This is ridiculous, why am I reading this again? You thought.

A ring tone from your phone cut your train of thoughts. Walking towards your phone, you saw a missed phone call from your pink-haired nephew. With a sigh, you hit the call button to ring him this time around. You unknowingly shed a tear as you get lost in the phone ringing.

When your nephew’s voice came through the line, it brought a small, bittersweet smile to your face. “Oh, good thing you called me back, auntie!” Yuji’s voice really brings brightness and cheerfulness everytime he speaks, a stark contrast to your somber mood. Getting no response from you, he continued, “I just wanted to ask you what time you’ll be going today? Oh, and if you’d like me to have a sleep over there at yours this week?”

You released a soft chuckle at this and looked at the clock hanging above your doorway, “Sure, I’d love to have you here with me, Yu! I’ll be there by 3PM.” You walked towards your bedroom to pick out the clothes you’ll be wearing for today’s occasion.

“Okay, gotcha on this, auntie! I’ll give the fam a heads up, so we can catch you there,” Yuji cheerfully said on the other end of the phone, leaving you give off a small smile. “I’ll hang up now, see you there, Yu.”

As you dropped the call, you went back to looking for the outfit you’ve been planning on wearing for the past few days now. You changed into your outfit and got ready before picking up your car keys, leaving your house.

Driving through the familiar streets, nostalgia came crashing like a tsunami. All bittersweet and vivid, everything just happened so fast that until now you can’t process it properly. You’ve never seen the therapist since then as well. What have I been doing? This thought lingered to you heavily.

The afternoon sun cast long shadows as you pulled into the parking lot, taking a lot of moment and breath to ready yourself before stepping out of the car. The weight of the day pressed down on you, yet you still forced yourself to move forward, knowing that this visit was something you needed to do. To accept it.

Threading the path towards Sukuna’s grave, his laughter echoed in your mind. The bittersweet memories of him talking about how you’ll both die of old age. Yet, in this lifetime, he went away early just a year ago.

As you reached his headstone, you knelt down and placed the bouquet of flowers you had bought earlier. The sight of his name etched in the stone was a painful reminder of the reality you are still struggling to accept.

“Hey, love, it’s already been a year,” you whispered as your voice was trembling. Your eyes began to blur as tears formed and dripped down your cheeks. “I miss you a lot.” The wind rustled the leaves, as if the world was offering a gentle response to your words. Knowing that it’s fall, your and his favorite season, you watched the leaves gently fall around you. You knelt there in silence, letting the memories of your husband wash over you. The days you spent together, memories of the love you shared all came rushing back.

Sukuna was always red, the liveliest color you’ve ever known. From his personality, his joy, his laughter, his teases, his jokes, his dreams, his kisses, to his love for you. Everything’s red. The liveliness caught onto you when he first met you at the park, when you were at the lowest of your low. When he offered you an ice cream out of nowhere. It’s a bit strange to accept that from a stranger, sure, but you were not in the moment to deny this comfort food. And he just sat there in silence as you both lick onto your ice creams. It happens everytime he sees you at the park, until you’ve both started talking with each other. He became your sanctuary for years. 

Yet, in the blink of an eye, Sukuna became blue. Everything he once was turned to blue. And it all happened just a year ago. His sudden absence left a void that you couldn’t fill. The vibrant red color that he embodied faded to a somber blue, marking the moment he was taken from you by the world. He made your world bright and colorful.

Looking at his headstone, there is an overwhelming sadness mixed with the beautiful memories of your husband. The pain of losing him was still so fresh, but so was the warmth of the moments you shared. The way he would laugh boisterously at your clumsy self and corny jokes, the way he would hold you close as if you’re going somewhere, and the way he would whisper sweet endearments in your ear – these memories were all you had left.

“You know, I still think about why did it have to be you, love. It may sound bad, but why couldn’t it have been the other driver?,” you murmured as your fingers traced the letters of his name etched in the cold stone. This thought lingered in the air, unanswered and haunting. The accident that took him from you was so sudden, so unexpected. But then again, there is no accident that isn’t sudden, right? The questions plagued you for months until now. What if he had taken a different route? What if he had left a few minutes later?

Cutting you from your deep thoughts, you heard someone calling for you. “Auntie! I’m here,” Yuji called out as he came running towards you. You looked at him, and well, tears had to show up again since Yuji resembles your husband a lot, considering that he was his uncle. His pink hair, the shape of his eyes, even the way he smiled – it was as if a piece of Sukuna still lived on through him. 

Yuji reached you and gave you a tight hug, his youthful energy and warmth momentarily lifting the heavy weight in your heart. “I brought flowers,” he said, holding up Sukuna’s favorites, chrysanthemums. 

“Thanks, Yu,” you whispered as you took the flowers and placed them beside the ones you brought. Yuji knelt beside you, his presence comforting. “I miss him too, you know,” he said softly. “Even with the constant teasing, he always takes me out for my favorite pastimes and telling me all sorts of tips and his cool stories in boxing.”

You nodded, tears blurring your vision again as you remember just watching Sukuna tell Yuji stories everytime your nephew sleeps over your house. Those nights always ended with your husband playfully wrestling Yuji, their laughter filling the air. “Yeah, he was always there for you,” you softly said. 

“Your the reason we didn’t decide to have a kid, you know? He used to say how you were just too naughty,” you jokingly added to lighten up the mood. Yuji laughed at this, his eyes twinkling with the memory.

“He really said that?” Yuji asked, a grin spreading across his face.

“Every time you left,” you replied, smiling through your tears. “He’d always talk about how much he enjoyed having you around. You were like the son he never had.”

Yuji’s laughter faded into a thoughtful silence, and he placed a hand on your shoulder. “He meant a lot to me too, Auntie. He was like a second father.”

You both sat there in silence for a while, the wind rustling the leaves around you. The sun was beginning to set, casting a warm, golden glow over the cemetery. The pain of losing Sukuna would never fully disappear, but having Yuji by your side made it a little more bearable.

As the day turned to dusk, the sky painted in the hues of pink and orange, you felt a gentle peace settle over you. Breaking the silence, you finally said, “He always believed in living life to the fullest, he wouldn’t want us to be sad forever.”

Yuji nodded, his cheerful and bright face turned to a somberly one. “Yeah, he’d want us to keep going. We’ll get through this, auntie.”

“Thanks for being here, Yu,” you said softly as you squeezed his hand. “Anytime, auntie,” he replied with a steady, reassuring, and comforting voice.

“I’ll see you again soon,” you whispered, placing a kiss on your fingertips and pressing them against the cold stone. Standing up, you both took one last look at Sukuna’s headstone. The wind blew gently, rusting the leaves once more, as if in agreement. You brushed off the dirt from your clothes and gave Yuji your car keys. Walking back to your car in silence, side by side with Yuji, the weight of the loss seemed a little lighter. 

In your heart, you know that Sukuna will always be with you. That he’ll be guiding over you. He will always be there with his ice creams, laughs, kisses, and hugs in your memory.

Despite this loss, you know that in another lifetime, it will always be you and him, growing old together.