#i’m just going to show up to the interview anyway. i talked to my mom about it and she was like ‘they can maybe give you a chair

[fingertipsmp3]

I got a job interview on the same day my current contract ends lol. Is my run of bad luck coming to an end or is it more of the same though 🧐

[justhere4kpop]

Forever

Wooyoung x Single Mom! Reader

Your life gets flipped upside down when you take a new backup dancer job at KQ Entertainment, you lied in your interview how will you get out of this one?

Genre: Mostly Fluff, Some Angst.

Warnings: (?) Angst, Mentions of cheating, self-doubt, and arguing.

w/c: 8715

a/n: Ahhh the longest one I've written so far!!! Oh god, I really hope it's good and that you guys like it, I've never written anything this long and I'm so scared to post it hahaha. I feel like even as long as it is it might feel a little rushed. I have no idea....it took me a long time to write anyways so any and all feedback is welcomed. Okay AH! Enjoy, please!

tags: @cromernet @starillusion13, @jaehunnyy (for you Chippie)

Masterlist

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Do I wake up every morning with my hair in every direction, toothpaste foaming at the mouth, a stained t-shirt and pajama pants, and a toddler crying because I can’t hold her? Not every morning…sometimes I don’t get to brush my teeth before breakfast. Today was a really important day for me though and I absolutely could not bring my screaming toddler to my first day as a backup dancer at KQ Entertainment.

“What do you think Sweet Pea? Pancakes for breakfast?” I looked at her. “How about some fruit too? Grapes, Cantaloupe?” she smiled.

“Mama!” she pointed at the plate.

“I know I know they’re coming.” I flipped the stove on and kept brushing my hair. This is what I get for letting her try to braid it last night. “I knew I should’ve prepped last night.”

Of course, the day was going to be crazy, I’m a ball of anxiety there’s no way I couldn’t be.

“Do you like the melon today? It’s in season so it should be nice.”

“Juicy.” she smiled. “I like it!” she raised it in the air.

“I’m glad, maybe I’ll get more the next time we go to the grocery store.” I ate with her and wiped her mouth when it got to be too much.

“Are you excited to hang out with grandma today?” I picked up her plate so we could go wash dishes together.

“Grandma is coming?” she looked at me.

“Yes, are you excited?” I looked down at her and pulled her step stool up since she insists she can ash her own dishes.

“Mmmmm I dunno.” she shrugged and I chuckled.

The doorbell rang.

“Hi Mom, thanks for watching her again.” I sighed opening the door a two-year-old attached to my hip. “Saja, say hi to grandma.” I nudged her and she hid behind my shoulder. My shy little girl.

“Oh still shy as ever I see. Does she talk to anyone?” my mom chuckled.

“She’ll talk to me, especially when she gets upset…she’s just nervous around people. In fact, we were just talking about you coming over.”

“Oh, how fascinating.” she smiled.

“Okay let me just show you around really quickly to make sure you know where everything is. It’s been a while since you traveled here and I really appreciate it.”

I gave her the tour around the apartment, sure it wasn’t big but it was enough to stress me out, and have trouble keeping clean. Important numbers on the fridge, obviously call me if there’s an emergency. Snacks in one cabinet, dry food in another, what she likes and doesn’t so far, what she likes to do all day, hopefully, if the weather is nice they can go to a park. I went to get ready while Saja was distracted and put my bag together.

“Where we going?” she asked and patted my bag by the front door reaching for her shoes.

“Unfortunately today Pumpkin you have to stay with grandma while Mama goes to her first day of work.” I pushed the hair out of her eyes.

“But-”her eyes gazed over. “But I wanna go.” she pouted and big tears started forming.

“It’s just like that time that mama had to drop you off at daycare for the first time sweet pea, remember how much fun that turned out to be. You met Junie, and Kiri.”

“But I no want mama go.” she hiccuped.

“I know baby, I’ll be back before you go to bed I promise. Probably even before dinner ok.” I hugged her and spun her around. “It’ll be hard today, but easy tomorrow ok? Just gotta trust me.”

“Otay.” she wiped her eyes. “Promise come back?”

“I promise. I’m not ever leaving you.” I kissed her forehead.

And so that’s how the first day of the rest of my life began. I got to KQ, nearly died from exhaustion on how much they taught us that first day, raced home to be there for my kid before she went to sleep, and did it again for months, some days it was picking her up from daycare, sometimes my mom would take care of her. Of course, I made some work friends who wanted to hang out but I couldn’t… I can’t just go drinking after practice, I have to get home to watch the new episode of Octonauts, read bedtime stories, and make sure her “homework” (coloring.) is done.

“Oh come on y/n, come out with us.” Jaeun begged.

“I-I really can’t, I have to get back home.”

“What do you have a kid or something?” he teased.

“S-Something yeah. I um…just a tight schedule and I’m trying to make ends meet.”

“Oh second job?” Eun suggested.

“It’s just important and I can’t just…I don’t really have free time. I’m sorry, I really do want to but I have so much to do…” I bowed. “Thank you really. I appreciate it every time you ask me. I’ll see you around.”

I started to leave when a voice spoke up next to me.

“Nice work today y/n.” came the calm cool voice of none other than Jung Wooyoung.

“Th-Thank you Mr.Wooyoung.” I said again with a bow.

“Maybe they can’t convince you out but could I?” he quirked an eyebrow…..Is he flirting with me?

“I’m s-sorry I really have to go.” I picked up my bag and left. Did Jung Wooyoung just talk to me….and ask me out? Are you kidding me? I can’t get…I can’t.

“Mama.” called out the small voice waiting by my front door.

“Hi baby.” I picked her up and smiled once more. “I missed you too.”

“You look upset.” my mom said looking me over.

“It’s ok Mom, maybe later.” I didn’t want to talk about it in front of Saja. “For now, let me see what you learned today?”

“Color!” she ran over to the table after I set her down and started telling me the names of the colors.

“Wow look at you my smart girl.” I smiled and looked at the drawing she made of the rainbow. “Definitely going on the fridge today.”

“Yay!” she smiled and went to pick out the magnet for the drawing.

“I got asked out for drinks again.” I sighed.

“I would’ve watched her honey, you can go.”

“It wasn’t just by my coworkers this time…it was one of my bosses….I don’t know I’ve maybe bumped into him like 3 times but I haven’t really ever had a conversation with him and I…I couldn’t say yes.”

“Why not, it’s been a while since you had a date.”

“Mom I’m not really…dating material…I have a kid and…I don’t know.”

“y/n, you should try it…just…take a chance.”

“Maybe….I’ll…I’ll think about it mom.”

“I just want you to be happy kiddo, and to not feel so alone.”

“I’m never alone…but it would be a little nice to…think about some help…Mom he doesn’t want kids! What am I even saying.” I sighed.

“This one!!!” Saja ran back in with a rainbow magnet for her rainbow drawing. “I want dis one.” she smiled.

“Okay that one it is.” I smiled and took her rainbow to hang it up. “And so now which one is your favorite color?”

“Yellow.” she smiled.

“Good choice.” I kissed her head. “Come on let’s get ready for bed.”

I got her into her yellow duckie pajamas, we washed our faces, and we brushed our teeth and read together, she’s trying new words but also told me what color each things were. My smart girl.

“Goodnight Princess.” I whispered and kissed her head leaving the room.

“y/n.” my mom called me over. “I really want you to think about having fun with your friends.”

“I will mom…I…They don’t know I have a kid and I just, I don’t know wouldn’t it just be weird I’m suddenly the mom friend.”

“Honey, you already act like a mom because you’ve always been the mom friend.”

“I just don’t want to get hurt again….I don’t want Saja to get hurt again.” I looked back at her door.

One year ago, it was raining, I’d just gotten fired from my job for falling asleep in a meeting because my good-for-nothing partner wouldn’t take care of his own child at 2am. I came home to a screaming Saja, no furniture except her bed and mine, and a letter on the counter with photos of my worst fear….he was cheating on me this whole time. At least he had the decency to leave his keys. I was so scared I called my mom and that night I did the only thing I could hold onto my screaming one-year-old and cry too. I just wanted the best for her, unplanned or not she deserved as much love as I could give her. In some small ways, she tried too, if she saw me having a bad day after I couldn’t find a job she’d offer me a snack, if I fell asleep while we were together she’d curl up next to me and stay put so I could sleep. She was truly one of the best things if not the best thing to happen to me. I just wish I could give her a good life where she doesn’t have to worry about things at 2 years old…she shouldn’t see me cry already. Now the opportunity was knocking on my door, figuratively of course…Just the prospect of a date was terrifying, could I really let someone in like that again?

Jung Wooyoung is nothing but consistent…consistently a pain in my ass, he really doesn’t quit I mean at first it was every other day he’d ask if I was busy after work, but now it’s twice a week…he won’t stop…He’s famous, he’s…he’s an idol he wouldn’t want anything to do with me if I said I had a kid. He’d leave me alone…can I really expose myself like that? What if I get fired? I really need this job…Christ, what am I going to do? Just keep saying no he’ll give up and move on. Right.

“Oh you’re just mad someone actually said no to you Wooyoungie.” San teased his best friend as he pouted at another failed date attempt.

“It’s the way she carried herself, and that she always looks after the others, I mean I’ve seen her make sure everyone has water before drinking herself, and if someone looks unwell she’s the first one to check on them.” Wooyoung groaned flailing on the couch.

“Didn’t know you had a thing for moms.” Hongjoong chuckled.

“What do you mean?”

“She’s a total mom friend making sure everyone else is taken care of.” he smiled at the younger one, rejection never looked so good on someone.

“You could’ve just dated Seonghwa if you were into that.” Mingi spoke up.

“He’s not my type.” Seonghwa flipped the page he was reading.

“No you’re not my type! I’m everyone’s type!” Wooyoung stood up flabbergasted by the thought. “Jung Wooyoung is everyone’s type.”

“Just don’t catch a harassment case.” Seonghwa sighed. “I like her a lot, she’s kind.”

How could she say no to Jung Wooyoung so many times, he’s charming, handsome, funny, super attractive, sexy, cute, hilarious, and a dance machine. Maybe he should start with…

“How about lunch?” Wooyoung smiled.

“Hmm?” I looked up at him.

“Come get lunch with me.” he nodded.

“Oh um I-”

“You never want to do anything after work so why not during, we get a long enough break, I’ll even buy for being a pain in the ass so much.”

“Really Mr. Wooyoung I’m flattered but I have my own, it’s alright.”

“You seriously have to stop calling me Mister, I’m not that old and I’m not even your boss.” he smiled. “Just have lunch with me…us really a group of us are going.”

“I……okay.” I said sheepishly thinking about how much my mom is going to yell at me for not going.

When he said group I wasn’t expecting all of Ateez to be the group. Oh god, do I look okI should really sit like Six feet away just in case there’s cameras and does my breath smell ok?

“Hi y/n!” seonghwa waved. At least he was kind….they all are I don’t know what I’m saying.

“H-Hi Seonghwa.” I flushed and waved back sitting at the small metal table with them, the chairs dragging on the floor causing the shrill sound to ring out.

“Guys this is y/n…the one rejecting Wooyoung.” he smiled.

“Okay so not cool!” Wooyoung yelled. “I finally get her to come down to lunch and you embarrass me.”

Lunch with Ateez was becoming a regular thing, every week now I’d go with Wooyoung and we’d chat and…I almost felt like another member, sure they did this with others but it felt really special…I felt special. Mom was right I do need more friends. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I just let go and got to know Wooyoung. 

“Like a good mother.” Hwa chuckled.

I did a spit take. “Sorry! Just inhaled too much water.” I coughed and my phone started ringing. “Oh sorry I have to take this.” I got up to answer around the corner.

“Mama!” the voice came from the small face on my phone.

“Hi Pumpkin are you having fun with grandma?” I smiled.

“Grandma makes Tteokbokki like you! But not as yummy.” she smiled and held it up.

“Oh? But I learned from grandma so shouldn’t hers be better?”

“Oh now you know it was your grandmother that taught you this recipe, I can’t cook to save my life.” she chuckled.

“And who’s that?” came a voice from behind me.

“Shit!” I jumped and dropped my phone.

“y/n? y/n?” my mom spoke.

“Mama?” Saja called out.

“S-Seonghwa. I-”

“So you are an actual mom?” he smiled.

“N-No I-....I um…it’s my niece and I” I felt the anxiety creep in, I got nauseous and I could taste the bile in my throat.

“Can I see her?” he smiled and sat next to me and picked up my phone but face it away in case I said no.

“Mom I’ll call you back ok. Saja it’s ok.” I smiled lightly at the phone and hung up. “Am I fired?”

“Fired??? For what? Did you steal a water bottle too?” he smiled. “Those are free.”

“No for…for lying about not having a kid.”

“It doesn’t matter that you have a kid pabo.” he picked my face up. “Why’d you hide it?”

“I really needed the job, it’s just me providing and…I didn’t want to be turned down because I have a daughter.”

“I see…y/n you were hired because you are insanely talented and can dance circles around any of those guys, mom or not. I think they wouldn’t have been making you stay so late if they knew, it’s important to be there for a child too.”

“I really need this job Seonghwa.” I felt the tears fall.

“You’re not losing your job honey I promise. It’ll stay between us….only if you let me say hi.” he smiled.

“I…” I picked my phone up and called my mom back. “Hi Mom, um…sorry my um…my boss scared me and he…yeah.” I nervously handed Seonghwa the phone.

“Oh that’s not who I wanted to say hi to hi Mrs. (l/n) you’re very lovely, I wanted to meet y/n jr. though.”

“Oh Saja, come say hi to Mister??”

“Seonghwa.” he smiled waiting for the small child.

“Hi.” Saja said smally as my mom came down to her level with the phone. “Mama??”

“I’m here sweet pea.” I called and peeked over Seonghwa’s shoulder. “Hi baby, what’d you have for lunch?”

“Potatoe.” she said getting quite shy at the man looking at her.

“And?” my mom prompted. “We tried pajeon, and Kimchi for the first time.”

“Kimchi?” Seonghwa smiled, “how exciting. Did you like it?”

“Spicy.” she frowned.

“Maybe we’ll try radish Kimchi she likes crunchy things.” I nodded. “I should get back to my own lunch honey, anything you want to say to Mr. Seonghwa?”

“......pretty.” she blushed looking away from the phone.

I think Seonghwa short-circuited he nearly dropped my phone.

“I’ll be home after work okay, be good for grandma, bye mom, thank you.” I smiled softly and hung up. “Mr.Seonghwa?”

“You really are ana amazing person.” he smiled and hugged me. “Next time we’re meeting in person.”

“Wouldn’t that be unprofessional?” I questioned.

“I don’t care that little ray of sunshine is getting spoiled by her uncle Seonghwa now.” he smiled.

If Seonghwa could’ve felt the eyes burning into the back of his head at the glare Wooyoung was sending the older man he’d probably be dead. I on the other hand couldn’t process what just happened…everything felt so strange, letting Seonghwa in on my secret…I wasn’t sure I liked it but it was…nice to let something out.

“And what were you two talking about?” Wooyoung questioned as we sat back down.

“Nothing, I was just making sure she was ok.” Seonghwa shrugged like nothing happened.

“Sorry just a weird phone call. I’m okay.” I nodded and looked down at my lunch.

“Aww cute!” Wooyoung pointed out the note Saja had wrote for me. “Where’d you get that.”

“Must’ve came with the wrap, I didn’t notice.” I looked at the scribbles that I’m sure were supposed to be words but what really made me tear up was the heart, it was mishapen and wobbly but it was her.

“Hey? Are you sure you’re okay?” Wooyoung lifted my chin up before the tear hit the paper.

“Yes, I’m ok.” I looked at him and blushed a bright red.

“Promise?” he held out a pinky for me. Saja does the same….

“Promise.” I whispered and let a few tears fall.

That’s where my relationship with Wooyoung took a turn. I noticed the small things at first…the little notes in my bag, the heart on my water bottle, and getting me lunch, or a snack, he always came to talk to me during breaks, and we always sat next to each other if we could during things, bus rides to venues for performances, meetings, anything. It all felt so nice. I felt…happy. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to give him a chance…even just one. 

“Hi cutie!” Wooyoung yelled over the phone as I answered.

“Hi Woo.” I smiled lightly at the phone and walked out to the little patio I had.

“Why so quiet?” he questioned.

“No reason. Just enjoying the peace.” I had just put Saja down and I didn’t want to risk her waking up.

“Listen I was thinking-”

“Isn’t that a dangerous game.” I chuckled cutting him off.

“Come to dinner with me?” he smiled. “Please?”

“I-”

“Before you say no! Just…one chance, look I know you said your ex was terrible and left you with nothing but I just…y/n you’re great, and smart, and wonderful, and beautiful, and…and amazing…please…just one date so I can stop my terrible attempts at flirting. I’m running out of pick-up lines to use on you.”

“Wooyoung I….”I looked back at the apartment and a cool breeze wrapped around me sending a shiver down my spine. It would be nicer to try having someone else around. Was I ready for him to know everything? “Dinner sounds nice. Maybe Friday?”

“Friday.” he smiled, you could hear the grin. The wonderful grin followed by his melodic giggle. 

Maybe we can try again…maybe this time won’t hurt so bad. Maybe he’d stay.

You’re getting too ahead of yourself y/n. Just one dinner, and maybe it’ll be okay from there, just take it one day at a time.

Friday came quicker than I’d like and I still had no idea what to wear, what to do, all I knew was my mom was excited and I felt like I was going to throw up again.

“You know Saja likes watching him perform onstage, she says he moves the most like water.” my mom smiled. “She gets so happy seeing you on the tv.”

“I know…she asks to watch a performance before we go to bed usually.”

“Aren’t you excited?”

“No…I mean I am but, god this could go horribly wrong.”

“But it won’t, I’ve seen the little notes, you have this boy smitten like he’s a teenager.” she chuckled.

“Yeah but eventually I’m going to have to tell him about Her.” I motioned to my daughter.

“How do you know he doesn’t like kids?”

“I didn’t say that, but he has been thinking I’m just some poor single woman this whole time Mom, and I don’t know how to bring that up, Oh hi by the way I’ve been lying to you for 4 months, and actually have a two-year-old, hope that doesn’t change anything.” I groaned and pulled on the black cocktail dress I had picked out.

“Honey, I don’t think it will…you trusted Seonghwa with saying hello.”

“That was over the phone and this is different mom…this is a…potential love interest, you know a maybe boyfriend, Seonghwa is no more than a potential babysitter and even that’s a maybe.”

“I think you should let some people in…it’ll be good for you to have more than just me for her. Also I have plans for tonight”

“I know you’re right mom I just…. MOM!!! And you didn’t tell me!” I groaned and picked up my phone. “Fine.”

“Just giving you an extra push dear.”

“You are…I swear!” I hit dial.

“Hello?” the voice on the other end of my phone croaked out.

“Hey, could you…do me a favor.” I sighed.

“So you want me to meet your daughter, and babysit her while you go on a date with Wooyoung?” Seonghwa questioned me as I stood with him in the hallway.

“Yes…because my mom forced this…”

“How so.”

“She ‘made plans’ or whatever so now I need a babysitter or I have to tell Wooyoung I’ve been lying this whole time.” I sighed.

“Hey hey okay, I’ll do it.”

“I figured since you brought a goodie basket.” I eyed the stuffed animal behind him. “Saja.” I called out coming back inside. “Come meet Seonghwa.”

Seonghwa could barely contain himself waiting to meet my two year old.

“Mama?” Saja hid around the corner.

“Hey sweet pea, it’s okay…remember him, he’s from the tv.” I held out my hand for her and she walked over to hide behind me.

“Hi Saja.” Seonghwa said calmly and in a quiet tone getting down to her level. “I’m Seonghwa, I work with your mama, remember we talk on the phone.”

“....pretty.” she blushed.

“She remembers.” I pat her head. “Why don’t you show Mr.Seonghwa the painting you did.” she nodded and ran to go get her newest art piece and came back over, she stopped and looked between me and him before taking a cautious step forward. 

“Oh my goodness, look at this.” he smiled. “Okay let’s see….a cat?” she nodded. “Wow what a beautiful cat. What’s his name?”

“Rainbow.” she said quietly.

“Rainbow? What a perfect name.” he smiled. “And is mama going to hang it up?” he looked up at me.

“Yes” she smiled and ran off to find the magnet.

“She likes you, I promise, she’s just shy at first.” I breathed. “I have to get going I don’t…want to be late.” I looked at her in the kitchen.

“I promise nothing bad will happen.” Seonghwa tried reassuring me.

“Last time I left her alone with a man he took everything and left.” I brushed him off and grabbed my things.

“Y/n” Seonghwa placed a hand on my shoulder and I tensed up. “I understand, but you deserve some help, and some fun.”

“She’s all I have Seonghwa.”

“Y/n I promise she’s in great care, I wouldn’t dream of hurting either of you.”

I sighed. “Saja. Come give mama a hug please?” she came running over with a new magnet for her cat drawing.

“Where go?” she questioned holding her arms up for a hug.

“Mama is going to go see a friend because she really likes this friend ok? It’s called a date.”

“Date?” she questioned more.

“See when two adults, like mama and her friend like each other more than just friends, which is a very complicated feeling to understand even for adults, they go out to do things together, like eat dinner or watch a movie.”

“Why?”

“To see if they like each other’s company more than other people.” I smiled. “However no one’s company is better than yours sweet pea.” I kissed her nose. “So you stay here and play with Seonghwa and Mama will be back later, like when you stay with Grandma.”

“Are we go on a date too?” she whispered.

“Sure.” I smiled and she was blushing as I put her down. “Have fun okay?”

“Yes ma’am.” Seonghwa smiled and Saja walked back over to her table.

My phone dinged again and I made my way out and downstairs to Wooyoung and his very expensive car.

“Didn’t know you could drive.” I raised an eyebrow,

“Very recent, you look beautiful” he smiled.

“Thank you.” I blushed and he opened the car door for me. “Not so shabby yourself sir.”

“Thank you.” he smiled and closed the door gently and mumbled to himself he told me what he said later was “Wow she looks beautiful.” however I think  “okay rizz master Wooyoung, you gotta work.” sounds more like what he actually said…don’t let him tell you otherwise.

“So I was just thinking a quiet dinner without all the noise from the guys and maybe a walk?” he smiled.

“Sure, I’m just along for the ride.” I nodded. “It’s been a while since I’ve done this so you’re going to have to carry me along.”

“Don’t worry I’ve got you.” he smiled.

Throughout the course of dinner I learned that work Wooyoung, friend Wooyoung, and date Wooyoung are three very different people. He seems different.

“Yeah no order whatever you like.” he smiled and gestured to the menu.

“I’m not used to this kind of stuff.” its usually chicken nuggets and mac and cheese…why am I suddenly craving it…or pizza, I could so go for a pizza right now.

“Well only the best for you.” he smiled nervously. “How am I going to pay for this?!” he thought to himself.

“Right.” I swallowed nervously and looked at the menu. There aren’t even prices listed. “Wooyoung?” I looked up at him over the menu.

“Hmm? Yes, oh did you have a question?”

“Have you ever eaten here before?”

“Oh yeah loads of times!” why am I lying??” 

“What do you recommend?” I blushed a little, I knew he made good money but…I don’t know this seems a bit much.

“Well there’s the uh Hakarl.” he said and pointed. “That’s good and then the Bird’s Nest Soup.” he nodded.

“Oh okay. Why don’t you pick for me, I mean I want whatever you’re having.” I shrugged. He knew what he was talking about.

“I don’t have a clue what I’m saying! What did I even recommend!” he yelled at himself.

When the waiter came back he ordered for us and we left it at that, I finished my glass of wine and looked around at some of the dishes…they all looked interesting…to be kind…I don’t know if I can do this.

“Um excuse me.” I pulled a waiter aside and asked about the dish he had just served. “What did she order?”

“Ah that ma’am is the Bird’s Nest Soup” he smiled. “You see the saliva turns hard-”

“Thank you.” I interrupted and turned back to Wooyoung. Saliva? “Wooyo-”“Y/n” we both said at the same time.

“You go first.” he gestured.

“Wooyoung I really appreciate this but I…I can’t do this…this food is…it’s way too much for me.”

He sighed….here it comes.

“Thank god.” he breathed out. “I really didn’t want to find out what the other thing I ordered is.”

“Can’t we just go get a slice of pizza? Like normal?” I looked down at my hands.

“Please.” he stood up and walked over to our waiter talking to him before handing over his company card and explaining everything. “Let’s go before they bring it out.”

I nodded.

What started off horrible and scary turned into something magic, we found a place by the park close to my apartment and got three sliced of whatever pizza sounded good and just sat in the park. Much more my speed, much more…relaxed.

“I just wanted to impress you.” Wooyoung looks down at the slice of pizza in his lap. “I thought…maybe you’d like it if I took you somewhere special.”

“Who says Pizza isn’t special?” I looked at him but his eyes were turned down to the ground. “Woo?”

“I just….I really like you, especially the more I’ve gotten to know you, you’re kind, and gentle, and just…you’re absolutely wonderful y/n and I really fucked this up tonight.”

“Hey.” I nudged him. “Hey” I said a little more sternly and lifted his chin up to meet his gaze. “I’m still here aren’t I?....I appreciate that you think I deserve some fancy restaurant where we sit 10 feet away from each other and the menus don’t have prices and we’re waited on hand and foot, but…that’s not my speed. I prefer picnics and pizza and bullet train sushi and…fried chicken, and mac and cheese, and stupid little fruit cups.” I smiled at him. “I like it when we have lunch together and we eat ramen or tteokbokki, or even rabokki!”

“I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for Wooyoung.” I kissed his cheek. “I’m having a great time eating pizza in my favorite park with my second favorite person on the planet.”

“Who’s the first?”

“No one you need to worry about.” I chuckled and blushed.

“Ahhh your mom then.” he smiled. “Thank you…for not letting me feel like I completely fucked this up.”

“Quite the contrary, you’ve shown me that I really mean something to you…I mean that place was faannncyyyy.”

“You do mean something to me.” he looked into my eyes and there was that intensity that he had when he was dancing. The look of “I’m doing this and no one can stop me.”

“Thank you.” I rubbed his cheek.

You know how it goes, he walked me home, I got the third degree from my mom on how it went…except Seonghwa joined in, I tucked my two year old into bed and then…I had a full moment in bed in my pajamas where I squealed and kicked my legs and just…he kissed my cheek and held my hand and and and…pizza. Yeah. I could…I could get used to having Wooyoung.

It was just like any other day, it was warm and sunny, Wooyoung wanted to go out on a date and we decided another park date, kimbap which of course he made, in fact he made all of the food we ate, mandu, rolled omelet, potato salad, some pajeon, and finally because this obviously isn’t enough food for two people he also made my favorite cucumber salad . I really am one special girl. 

“Woo this is too much.�� I chuckled looking over at him as he kept bringing out more food.

“Nonsense, you’ll love this.” he smiles but you can tell there’s something bothering him.

“Are you ok?” I looked at him his face tight.

“Yeah, no it’s..it’s nothing I’m fine.” he nodded but he seemed more in his own head now.

“How about next time I’ll make the kimbap? I’ve been told I make it pretty good.” I smiled trying to lighten the mood.

Sure everything was going well, I really like him but I don’t know he seems a little distant recently and I can tell something is bothering him. I…

“Woo?” I said putting down my things. “You know we can talk about things right?”

“I….y/n…I….” he started and closed his mouth a few times. “What’s your relationship with Seonghwa?”

“Seonghwa? I don’t know…friends I guess. I mean I can certainly feel safe around him.” I looked at him confused.

“I know…what I’m about to say is…I know…Are you…Are you cheating on me?”

“What no?!” I looked at him incredulously. “Cheating?? Wooyoung I would-”

“Then why is it that you drop everything when he calls?” he looked at me getting a little teary eyed. “Why is it that when he calls you leave the room? Hmm? What private conversation can’t Wooyoung hear?” he was getting upset.

“Wooyoung it’s not like that-” I started.

“Well then how is it y/n! Because it certainly seems like you two aren’t just friends!”

“Woo please listen to me.” I said my voice quivering a bit. “Please take a breath and listen.”

“Then start explaining…I thought it was me and only me.”

“It is!”

“I saw you together!!” he stood up angrily.

“He’s just my friend Wooyoung I swear nothing more!” I looked at him, my own tears blurring my vision. “Wooyoung I would never cheat on you I swear, please just listen to me!”

“So you can lie about-”

“Mama?” a small voice called out. 

Fuck.

“S-Saja!” Seonghwa’s voice called out.

“Seonghwa?” Wooyoung looked over at his friends familiar voice. “What are you doing with a child?”

“Mama!” Saja threw herself into my arms hugging me tightly. “Hi!”

“H-Hi sweet pea.” I looked at her and moved her hair lightly, I could feel Wooyoung looking at the scene before him. “Wooyoung, this is Saja…my…daughter.”

“Daughter? Are you two-?”

“No! Wooyoung I’m just…I just babysit while you two go out.” Seonghwa looked at him.

“Is she yours?” Wooyoung looked at the child and then back to Seonghwa.

“No.” I said and held her closer. “She’s my ex’s…he left…Seonghwa just…he found out I had her and I needed someone to look after her because I really wanted to go out with you but I…” I felt like I could throw up.

“Wooyoung did…I wouldn’t do something like that to you.” Seonghwa looked at the younger male, anger burning behind his pupils.

Wooyoung looked between us grabbing his things.

“Wooyoung, don’t leave…you’ll regret it if you do.” Seonghwa warned the younger male. I covered Saja’s ears.

“Well what was he supposed to think Seonghwa…afterall I drop everything when you call, I go to you when I don’t know what to do, I call you late at night because she’s crying.” I shrugged. “I would think the same….Maybe I should go.” I moved to get up but Wooyoung stopped me before I could get further.

“No.” he looked at the blanket. “Don’t.”

“Saja why don’t you and Hwa go play.” I looked at her and kissed her forehead.

“Hwa Hwa!!! You It!” she got up and ran away.

Wooyoung sat back down and folded his hands together in front of me.

“Wooyoung I…This isn’t how I wanted it to go.” I looked away from him. “I promise there is nothing go on between us other than he’s my babysitter…I think of him as my older brother honestly. I have feelings for you and you only.”

He stayed quiet before nodding and looking over at Seonghwa and Saja playing.

“Why’d you lie y/n? About…her?”

“No one would hire a single mom…I needed the money before she got kicked out of preschool and we lost our apartment so I begged my mom to come help take care of her just until I had enough that I could come clean about it.”

“We have plenty of parents I don’t understand.” he looked at me.

“By the time I finally got to KQ I had been turned down so many times I-I-I panicked it was the only thing I could think of and I was desperate and they..you were all so kind and I-” tears rushed down my face. “And then you showed up and everyone else and then Seonghwa found out and I got scared and you kept asking me out and making me smile and…this isn’t how I wanted you to meet. I wanted you to meet her please.”

He stayed quiet and I wiped my face, before I knew it he brought me into him and rubbed my back.

“I really have made an ass out of myself haven’t I?” he whispered into my hair.

“I understand where you’re coming from though Woo really.” I held onto him.

“Tell me everything.” he asked

I told him our backstory, how my ex left, cheated, basically robbed me, how Hwa found out, I told him what I could and he listened.

“I’d really like to meet her if you let me.” he picked up my face and cupped my cheek. “I promise I’ll listen better.”

“Woo it’s not your fault, what were you supposed to think.”

“That my girlfriend wouldn’t cheat on me.” he squeezed me a little. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too…..I’d really like for you to meet her.” I looked at him. “This isn’t how I wanted you to find out.”

“Whenever you’re ready.” he brushed my hair back often like I do for Saja. “Some times…things work out differently than we want them to.”

“Are you still mad?” I asked.

“I’m still….trying to figure out why.” he sighed. “It makes sense but…I just…I.”

“You can be upset Wooyoung, its a big thing I hid from you.” I shied away from him.”Does it change how you feel about me?”

“I don’t know…maybe? I….I mean-” he looked up at me and I knew he could see it, the heartbreak on my face, I never was good at hiding it. “No baby I-”

“No…no it’s fine Wooyoung…” I moved off him. “I wouldn’t…” I stood up and turned away from him. “I wouldn’t feel the same about me either, it’s probably why I got rejected from everything else.” probably even why he left in the first place. “We’ll just go.”

“No baby, stay. We can have lunch, I’m sorry.” Wooyoung pleaded.

“Mama? Can I has water?” Saja came over tired from playing.

“Here!” Wooyoung jumped up and opened a bottle for her. “I made all this food would you like a snack?”

She looked at me and I nodded and we sat back down only this time apart.

“Y/n.” Seonghwa looked at me.

“It’s nothing.” I turned away from both of them to pay attention to my daughter. “It’s just me and Saja.”

Seonghwa looked over at Wooyoung who looked down at the blanket and pushed food over to us before looking to Seonghwa and away again.

“Saja what do you say?”

“Gram…Sa…Ham…Mama what was it?” she looked at me. “Oh! Hamyida!”

“Good.” I chuckled and wiped her face. “We’ll get going now, thanks for running into us Seonghwa…It was nice to meet you.” I got up and helped Saja up before starting our walk home.

“Mommy?” Saja looked up at me.

“Yes sweet pea?” I stopped.

“Why you look sad?”

“Oh don’t worry angel, I’m okay. I just really thought it’d turn out different.”

“Like what?” she questioned. Every the curious two year old.

“It’s nothing you need to worry about Saja.” I picked her up.

“Can we play with Hwa Hwa tomorrow too?” she yawned.

“I’ll ask him later baby. Let’s get you home.”

I got her home, and of course, she was asleep on me when we walked in. I put her down and sat by her bed, I couldn’t stop the tears that came down my face. I thought everything would work out this time, I thought that maybe…maybe one day he’d be here too…maybe she’d go to sleep and we’d stay up and watch a movie together, maybe we’d play games, or have friends over, or…it was always too much to ask. Too much for me to be happy. Not even a text when I walked through the door. Was this really over?......I’ll turn in my resignation on Monday. 

Monday came and went but my computer screen remained blank, I didn’t want to write a resignation letter it’s only been a few months but, I loved my job, I loved the guys, my friends….I loved him. I called in sick I just couldn’t see him, of course by now Seonghwa and Wooyoung had told CEO Kim who asked if there was anything he could do, if Saja was sick or anything. No. There was nothing anyone could do.

“Mama again!” Saja called out pointing to the finished episode of Paw Patrol. I replayed it for her and pulled myself into the chair more, staring at the blank document.

“Saja I’m going to the potty, don’t answer the door like usual ok?”

“Otay!” she smiled and sang along to the theme song.

I just wanted to splash some cold water on my face, something to get it out of my system.

“Hi!” I heard Saja yell from the living room.

“Saja? I told you-”

“Hwa Hwa!!!” she screamed and I ran out to see two men standing in my now open doorway.

“Sorry, I used the spare key.” Seonghwa flushed and spun Saja upside down.

“Why are you here?” I stood there wanting to grab my child from them.

“Baby I’m sorry.” Wooyoung pleaded. “Please can we talk.”

“No, it’s fine. You don’t need to apologize.”

“I do. Please.”

I pushed him out into the hallway and closed the door.

“Wooyoung you shouldn’t…you made it clear how you felt.” I looked away from him.

“No I didn’t because that wasn’t how I felt. That isn’t how I feel y/n.”

“Then how do you feel, because I think “I don’t know if they changed” after that means anything different but it-”

“It didn’t change how I felt okay! I…I panicked…I freaked out because I…You have a kid and sure I love little kids, I love Kyungmin, I love babysitting, and I love playing dress up and tag and…I really love them you know I do, but…it was scary. I no longer had to impress just you I’d have to impress your daughter, I’d have to figure out how to…be a good role model and…take care of her and I’m just a cool uncle or big brother I’ve never had to…be a parent.”

“You’re not her parent Wooyoung.” I crossed my arms. “And how do you think I’m going to feel! We Slept-” I quieted down. “You were the first person I’ve slept with since I had her and you just……..I’m her parent Wooyoung.”

“Yes but we’re dating, so that means I need to be there for her too, because you don’t just date the one person, that’s the most important person in your life I can’t just…I have to be a good example. None of it changed how I felt about you, after you two left I just wanted to do it all over again, I wanted to ask you on a picnic and play tag and push her on the swings and..please believe me y/n, I want to try again. I feel so stupid ok, I have real genuine feelings for you and I hurt you I know I did, I just…one more chance baby please. I’m sorry y/n please. I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life apologizing if you just give me one chance to make it up to you.”

I sighed. “It’s not up to just me Woo….give me two seconds.” I walked back inside and he stayed in the hallway. “Saja?”

“Hi mommy!” she called out from the couch where she was giving Seonghwa a makeover. “Princess Hwa Hwa.” she smiled.

“Oh how lovely.” I smiled and looked at Hwa…I need a photo. “One photo so we can remember your masterpiece?”

“You can take ONE photo. Make it count.” Seonghwa looked at me and I took a photo of him and Saja.

“Saja honey?” I came down to her level. “Would you like to meet mommy’s friend from the other day? The one with all the food.”

“Yeah!” she smiled. “The one mommy likes!”

“Yes, the one mommy likes.” I smiled. “Come on.”

I carried her to the door and took a breath, everything was going to change once I opened this door.

“Ready!” she called out. Ok.

I opened the door half expecting Wooyoung to dart…thank god he was still there when I opened my eyes.

“Saja, this is Wooyoung.” I looked at him. “Wooyoung this is my daughter, Saja.”

“Hi!” she smiled and waved.

“Hello Saja.” he smiled back. “It’s very nice to meet you.” He pulled a flower out from behind his back.

“Where did you-?” I looked at him.

“Flower!” she smiled and took it. “Mommy likes a maggisin!”

“Would you like to come in for coffee.” I looked at him.

“I would love to.” he smiled

This was it, Wooyoung was entering my life, he was seeing the real me and my daughter. I set Saja down to go play with Seonghwa but she stayed and talked to Wooyoung, she showed him all the pictures she drew and all the things she did for pre-school, he smiled and listened the whole time. He helped with a snack since she was getting hungry and he even let her do his hair, and for once in the past 7 months I’ve known him, I could finally breathe. It felt as though a weight has been taken off my chest and I could actually let him see me, the real me. It felt good. It felt so fucking good.

Wooyoung is a wonderful partner, truly. Saja loves him, she’s started calling him every night before bed if he isn’t here to tuck her in, she likes to tell him about her day, he plans dates with all three of us and sometimes even just the two of us, the guys have slowly been introduced to her and they all claim to be her favorite uncle (we all know its Seonghwa). Wooyoung has been maybe slowly moving in slightly, his stuff appears more and more, and what do you know he’s usually attached to it, and now, almost a year later her birthday was coming up and I had no idea what to do.

“Okay I know it her birthday but I was thinking we could bring her to work and surprise the guys for a birthday party?” he rubbed my cheek, the soft sunlight drifting in for the morning.

“She would like it, especially if San and Hwa were there, and Mingi, she likes being tall.” I kissed the palm of his hand.

“I’m sorry.” he said and looked at me fondly.

“For what?” I questioned.

“For everything. For being ignorant, and stupid. For-”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing for that.” I held his wrist gently.

“I told you I’m apologizing for it every day.” he kissed my nose.

“Good Morning!” Saja called out and climbed into the bed and on top of Wooyoung. “Wooyoungie!”

“Hi Princess good morning.” he smiled and kissed her head. “Did you sleep well?”

“From the looks of her bed head I’d say so.” I chuckled.

“Well I better get those pigtails back in before Hwa Hwa sees you then hmm?” Wooyoung lifted her up and got up to go to the bathroom with her.

“Woo?” he turned around. “It’s a great idea.” I smiled. He smiled back and nodded.

As I made breakfast Wooyoung made sure they got their morning ritual done, you always have to dance in the morning if you want your day to go well according to him. Saja likes spending time with him and frankly, this past year it’s been so nice to not feel like a single parent.

“Okay and 1,2,...3 and 4. Good! Okay Okay. shh shh.” Wooyoung spoke. “Eomma!!” he called out.

“Yes?” I peaked around the corner.

“Saja wants to show you something.” he smiled and nodded for her.

He started playing the music to Case 143, the chorus specifically and she looked like she was going to do it but then turned to Wooyoung and looked scared.

“I can’t” she whispered. He stopped the music and got down to her level.

“Hey hey what’s wrong princess?” he scooped her up.

“I can’t do it.” she sniffled.

“Of course you can.” he smiled. “You practiced hard with me while eomma was busy.”

“Too hard.” she looked away from him.

“I think she’s just nervous to do it alone Woo.” I looked at him and gave him a small smile.

“Do you want me to do it with you princess?” he pushed her hair back.

“Want Youngie do it too.” she whispered to him.

“Wooyoungie will do it too.” he nodded. “Okay? Together?” this time it was her turn to nod.

He started the music over and set her down.

She looked at him as they started and even though she was shy she saw him do it and knew he meant it when he said he’d do it with her. It gave her the boost she needed to do it too. Before my eyes here she was trying her best to dance along to Case 143 by Stray Kids and for an almost 3-year-old, she did a great job.

“Oh sweet pea that was amazing!!” I scooped her up and kissed her face. “Such a good dancer.” I smiled.

“Like Appa!” she smiled and pointed to Woo. I stumbled a little.

“O-Okay breakfast time.” Wooyoung clapped and took Saja and sat at the table to eat breakfast. “Baby? Come eat ok?”

“Y-Yeah.”

We’d talk about it…after breakfast.

“I’m sorry.” Wooyoung confessed. “She started calling me that last week when I was watching her when you had to stay late with Yunho and I didn’t correct it but she knew you would be scared if you heard and-”

“Is that what you want?” I looked at him. “Is this what you want? You know you can’t leave if she starts calling you that.”

“You are what I want y/n. Nothing else. Just this.” he nodded, I’ve never seen him look so serious. “I may be young and handsome, but I-I I can be a dad too.”

“Are you sure?” I held his hand and he gave me a firm squeeze.

“I’m sure.” he nodded.

“Of course you taught her how to dance.” I wiped my face and chuckled.

“She’s got quite a talent, I think she picked it up from her mom.” he smiled and kissed my cheek. “I’m not going anywhere..in fact, I was waiting until her birthday but…Maybe it’s time I…move in?”

“And what else could you possibly bring over…You already live here.” I smiled and kissed him.

“I have some other things.” he chuckled and kissed me back.

“I love you Jung Wooyoung.” I smiled and held onto him.

“And I love you l/n f/n.” he smiled back and held my hips.

Do I wake up every morning with my hair in every direction, toothpaste foaming at the mouth, a stained t-shirt and pajama pants, and a toddler crying because I can’t hold her? Not every morning…sometimes I wake up in the arms of my loving boyfriend, sometimes with no clothes, and sometimes I wake up to the sight of my daughter getting ready for the day with her two favorite people, I see a smile on her face as her appa cries dropping her off for school, I see the joy on her face when the guys come over and San talks to her about her day, I see my daughter being surrounded by more love than I could ever ask for. Surrounded by her 7 uncles and her appa, better than I could’ve asked for. 

Sometimes I wake up to the biggest smile I could ever see, more radiant than the sun, and I know this is all real. Wooyoung is real, and he’s here Forever.

[monkee-mobile]

I was rewatching the christmas episode and I love the part where Davy says he uses a security blanket, I know it was just thrown in to be funny but it’s actually really cute to think about. do you have any thoughts on it or similar headcanons about him?

It IS really cute!

I do have some thoughts on it. Probably many. These are going to be very disorganized and probably a bit overwritten, I warn in advance.

There was an interview that irl Davy did right before he died when he talks about needing someone there while he sleeps and I know when he was little (still real life davy) he had a “security pillow”. So I kind of stick those into my headcanon of tv show Davy sometimes. I think he likes having human contact and obviously we know the boys have zero personal space so he gets lots of it from his monkee brothers.

of course I’m a sucker for little tiny baby davy because he’s totally a spoiled brat toddler sometimes and he’s a fricken cutie whether i like it or not but i have some little thoughts that go more along the lines with that as well as contributing to him needing human contact I guess.

throughout the show when davy gets scared he tends to cling onto people (see clinging onto mike’s arm in the adorable monkee bed, or clinging onto micky’s arm when they think peter falls off that balcony in some video for a song that I can’t think of right now. maybe for pete’s sake?) or he jumps into someone’s arms and they carry him away, or he calls for out for Mike (see the circus episode when the guy starts throwing knives at him. like honey, what is mike gonna do? he’s a skinny little scarecrow man. michael tries his best.) OR he gets all jumpy and overstimulated and then devolves into nervous little giggles (see the wild monkees episode when he thinks the biker is gonna kill him but it turns out she’s a girl and starts kissing him and he’s nervously laughing and she can barely hold onto him. he’s definitely panicky and overstimulated there.)

but basically i think that when davy’s scared, he kind of just turns into a kid in certain ways. He wants the security of someone there to take care of him. he’s all bark no bite. he acts all tough because he probably grew up needing to act tough or else he’d get picked on for being small, but now he’s got his friends to help him and i think it allows him to feel safer and to be able to rely on others more.

This connects a bit to another portion of davy’s real life that I connect into the show headcanon even though it’s clearly not meant to be within the written show. real life Davy lost his mom when he was young, and I sometimes think about the implications of if that had happened to davy in the show even though show davy has probably honestly never felt any real pain in his life. in certain ways I think that could be a reason he wants that security in the show, if he lost his mom.

I think this is a reason he clings onto mike, who’s very obviously the “protector” of the group (he’s their mama hen!! and they’re his little baby chicks following him around!! but i digress…) and mike has become a bit of a surrogate mom for Davy, and gives him what he lost as a kid losing his mom so young.

THIS IS SO SO LONG SO FAR IM SORRY

but mike being a mama to the boys, especially to peter and davy because i think micky’s more older brother type and they’re more of the “little ones” (don’t get me started on peter’s connections to mike. they run deep and peter is very much a very complicated kid in certain ways. he needs a lot of love and has deep down a fear of abandonment that i don’t think he even realizes he has, and mike is trying to help him through it. davy also helps with peter. they all help with peter, peter is so loved. anyway this is not about peter). Mike being the mama is so important to me and I love it so much and im gonna ramble about it so im sorry in advance (the monkees cuddling and making each other feel safe is so very important to me. they’re just my warm squishy comfort characters and i project everything onto them)

I made a post i think on my main blog about all of the monkees using mike’s big hands to stim with (people put davy as the “neurotypical one” but i don’t think he is. idk what he kind of neurodivergent he is but he’s something, he just conceals stuff well. i don’t even think he realizes or may ever realize. this is the 1960s we’re talking about) but I touched briefly upon my thoughts that davy just lets out his toddler energy when him and mike are on the couch and he just plops down in mike’s lap and grabs mike’s hands and occasionally bites them, but also grabbing his fingers and straightening them and stuff and making mike clap and things. Mike is just used to this at this point (davy is spoiled. don’t tell davy. he’ll deny it.) but sometimes it can be too much and I think mike has to set some boundaries about how much he can handle as a “mom” at points and Davy listens. In some of my thoughts I think Davy and Mike have known each other the longest (they just have that easy groove, i don’t know) and I think they’re able to talk well so mike can communicate if it’s just too much for him and davy’ll listen.

also Davy totally just parks himself in mike’s lap a lot and clings onto his shirt and just sits. Sometimes he just needs a nap or something and mike is warm and comfortable and davy knows he’s loved. The monkees full-group cuddle position on the couch watching the television is often peter and micky on either side of mike (pete sometimes sits on mikes lap but he’s a bit heavy and davy has a tendency to kick him off of it. davy be nice!). and davy on mikes lap and they’re all very sweet and nice and i love them.

i keep getting more and more thoughts im sorry…

one more thing i guess. davy wishes mike could pick him up. hes like a little purse dog and sort of internally wishes to be able to just be carried around on someone’s hip all the time. Mike has tried but it hurts his back. micky can do this a bit but davys just too heavy for him and he can hold him better carrying him “bridal” style like he does when davy gets scared in the show. peter is the only one who can really pick Davy up on his hip because he just doesn’t realize davys heavy because monkee logic, and davy is very startled by this at first because peter can just scoop him up and carry him around.

okay. that’s all. i’m gonna leave it at that. this post is so long, i apologize dearly. but i have many many thoughts so thank you for the ask anon!

[spaceorphan18]

Your segment of the podcast was wonderful! Honestly I got emotional. I’m so glad they talked to you.

SNARKY!!?! I'm so glad you listened and got emotional. Did you catch my shout out to you? ;)

If you don't mind, I'm going to just give some little tidbits about doing the zoom call with Kevin and Jenna

There was no intro with me. The only person I talked to before the call was the producer and that was through email. I had no idea what to expect, and I was really nervous going in. I made a few small notes of things I'd like have said, and I think most everything got covered.

I didn't think it was real until Kevin and Jenna popped on screen.

I was a little shocked when Kevin was so enthusiastic about me A) being an OG glee fan and B) about my real job.

I was taken aback, a little, by how very good looking Kevin was.

(I tried to look nice - but I looked ultimately like me and not like someone who has a lot of money, lol)

The conversation felt mostly like it was me and Kevin, who seemed to be driving it. I had to remind myself to look at Jenna as I talked, too.

(I'll talk more about Jenna later in another post)

I tried to be polite and professional. As the convo went on, it felt really easy to do the conversation. It felt both longer and shorter than I expected.

Funny thing about when I started writing fanfic -- I lied a little, but I didn't want to go into the biggest reason that I was held back so long from writing fanfic is due to my severe social anxiety and the scariness of the glee fandom. But I felt like that was too complex to get into.

Also did you notice Kevin's insulation that I started writing after the show started getting bad after season 3? After the convo was over -- I was really bummed I didn't defend the later seasons in that moment.

I felt really bad when I said fanfic isn't for you, and I hope my reasoning was clear. They seemed to be understanding, though?

Kevin just beamed when I brought up that I wrote Office fanfic. Btw, I COMPLETELY forgot that he was on an episode of Office while doing the interview.

There was one point that I thought, maybe, Jenna had snapped with me -- and it was when she mentioned that they were fans of things, too. Mom (who told me she noticed Jenna's oddness and apathy) said she didn't notice that moment, so it may have been just me.

(Mom did say that I should not have said Kurt was my favorite character - but I reminded her that she already knew since the producer had already asked me that as a vetting question)

I was a little surprised when they didn't ask me about my favorites like they did with a lot of the other fan guests they have. I did mention Kurt in the episode. But I was a little bummed I didn't get to do the usual. (Apparently, they didn't with the first woman either?)

The ending was super, super awkward, and I believe, the only point that was edited. At the very end - Kevin asked for my goodreads account. I was so stunned that all I could say was that it was my full name. I kind of wonder (now) if he was trying to get me to plug some kind of social media? Anyway, the producer jumped in and said she'd get him the info.

It kind of then ended abruptly, as they were saying goodbye. They shut down and the Kevin popped on again to say goodbye again. I could also hear Jenna going straight into asking about what they were doing next.

Fwiw - Kevin never did slide into my Goodreads DMs, which is fine. I didn't really expect him too.

The producer then sent me a message a half hour later saying that Kevin and Jenna 'genuinely' liked talking to me and that I was an awesome guest. (and that she'd be in touch).

I really liked how the conversation went (mostly) but afterwards, I was kind of bummed that that was it. I have so much more I wanted to say --- and there was a part of me that kind of wanted to speak up about a lot of things that we always talk about here. But I'm glad I didn't get off topic, and that I did have a professional, honest, and hopefully education conversation about fanfic.

Fwiw - the producer sent me one last message letting me know that the podcast had aired. I did send a thank you email back, but have not yet heard a response -- so I'm guessing that is that.

I am grateful for the experience. Everyone has been so lovely about it, and people even in my real life have had a lot of good things to say. I suppose it's my little fifteen minutes of fame.

I hope people listening got something out of it, too. I haven't listened to it myself - but I just feel awkward about it, and don't really want to.

It does make me want to podcast again, though, and really dig into all the things that Kevin and Jenna don't get into. Maybe someday I can talk Snarky into another podcast when we both have time.

Thanks dear for supporting me and helping me. <3

[docholligay]

Yellowjackets S2E2: Bullet Points

Hello! This is about up to Season 2, Episode 2 of Yellowjackets, and ONLY that of Yellowjackets. I have not seen beyond this spot, at all, and know NOTHING about this show. Please do not spoil it for me.  Things that are spoilery in nature, for me, include: saying things like  “Just wait!!” confirming or denying anything I put forward, outside information about the cast interviews or creator statements, leading questions like “Do you think “blank moment” means anything?” etc. Remember  that Y’ALL HAVE SEEN THE SHOW AND I HAVE NOT. This informs the way you  talk about things relating to the show. Just be really careful is all  I’m asking. Also: If there is LITERALLY any stance I  could take on this show or character that would make you upset, please  just fucking block the tag

If you WOULD like to discuss the show and my takes on it, the Discord is right here! I don’t go there, so it’s a great place to get every emotion out.

Please thank @sailorsunspot and @moonlight-frittata for backing this odd way of doing a liveblog, and remember my tip jar is always open

I don’t DISLIKE Callie getting a clue and whatever, and I love being right about the fact that teenagers want boundaries, but it does read really…inauthentic? Like, it very much seems like a “this character is getting a good grade in therapy” which is odd for this show, and maybe that’s why it’s so jarring. Laughed my ass off at “You’re such a child” “My mom says she’s making us chocolate chip pancakes” 

Actually, on that note, so much more than I love the above with Callie, which as I said seems just a little too self-aware for me, I really love her bailing out her mom with Kevyn. Her mom, who she does not respect, who she doesn’t like, but who she ALSO desperately loves and wants to connect with. It is so interesting to show her doing this, something we souldn’t have expected of Callie. Callie wants her to pay, in some way, but only if CALLIE can be the one to nail her to the wall, not even on a legal level but more on a personal one. Extra points for “So you lied to be feminist?” 

God bless Misty’s whole B-plot. I wanted Her and jessica to get married and then divorced and then married again, but i could also handle this and I know the character is going to be around for a little bit at least because you don’t get Elijah fucking Wood for nothing. 

Also pleased that I was right about how, “That is not going to fucking cremate her” and it doesn’t it just roasts her for supper ahaha. I mean, I know the spirit of the forest dumps snow on her, but I don’t think it was happening anyway. 

I agree with Kevyn that this guy is five seconds from fucking up this entire case, secretly going undercover without permission and flirting with someone underage, knowing they are using a fake ID? Come on, man. 

I don’t really have a great take on the banquet at the end, other than the obvious tie ins to the hunt and success and the sacrifice. I don’t really have anything else to say there expect it looks like Nat and Crystal are at the head and the foot of the table. Just putting a pin in that, it might matte,r it might not, i might even be wrong.

[earlgreytea68]

Sooooo, the interviews keep coming, the one I watched on YouTube today was on the Zach Sang Show with Pete. And it was very interesting to watch, there was a lot of nice stuff in it, including very interesting discussion at the end, where one of the hosts asks Pete about a line from the recent album referencing Sugar, and his answer was very interesting, you’ll like it ;)) (on 57:12 maybe)

Also, what I liked is watching his body language, his little antics, it’s very captivating, if I’m being honest. And in this one he got to talk, and express his opinions without interruptions for sure, so that’s a plus! Give it a shot, if you haven’t already :)

It was sooooo good, what an excellent interview. I really loved hearing him talk about the algorithm and its effect on music, and I felt like they asked him more questions than anyone else really trying to dig into how writing works both for him and with Patrick. I also appreciated how he was like, "Look, my mom's friends think Take This to Your Grave and From Under the Cork Tree sound the same." Me, I'm your mom's friends, Pete. Also really loved when he was like, "When I'm in a coffee shop and a Fall Out Boy song comes on, I'm always kind of like, ....did they put this on because I'm in here?" lololol AND getting asked about Baby Annihilation! And giving that more in-depth answer where he was like, "I felt like I had this thing and I had something to say." Awwwww, Pete, <3 times a million

Also he never listens to Fall Out Boy music once the album's done, I'm fascinated by that! I read my own stuff incessantly! Am I really weird???? I was just thinking, like, if the point is you want to make art, surely you also want to go on enjoying that art????? Just fascinating to me.

BUT ANYWAY. LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT PATRICK ANSWER. There really wasn't as much Patrick in this one aside from tons of casual references to him, but it's okay, he made up for it with that one answer where he's like, "Argh, that seems like something Patrick would do and then not tell me about, because he never does anything unintentionally." WAIT, LET'S UNPACK THAT. PATRICK NEVER DOES ANYTHING WITH PETE'S WORDS UNINTENTIONALLY. IN FACT, ACCORDING TO PETE, PATRICK THINKS HARD ABOUT THE WORDS AND PICKS UP THINGS NOT EVEN PETE REALIZED HE WAS PUTTING INTO THEM. AND NEVER EVEN TALKS TO PETE ABOUT IT, JUST DOES IT, AND PETE JUST KNOWS THAT THIS IS WHAT HE DOES WITH HIS WORDS.

"He would do something like that and not tell me, knowing I'd be sitting in some fucking interview and someones asks me about it. . . . He doesn't do things like that unintentionally, so if you heard it, probably."

k, that's all, carry on

[lordmartiya]

A More Discrete Calling Out, a Miraculous Ladybug fanfic

Summary: What if Ladybug had been calmer and more discrete in calling Lila out for her day 1 lies?

Hey, it's me again for @mlsecretsanta exchange, this year for @lajudit I'm basing Lila's characterization on her Volpina appearance, plus the idea she's just a teenager doing teenager things. I mean, who didn't do stupid things at 14? Now on with the story.

Lila was happy with her first day at the new school. She had made an impression on most of her class (though not the class representative. The poor girl was horribly sleep deprived, and there was nothing to gain from waking her up), got the class hottie’s attention to listen to her (and to top it off he was the only son of Gabriel Agreste. A possible in for a modeling career), set up a massive prank that would make her the talk of the school, and got a cute fox-themed necklace. She knew nothing could ruin her day now.

Then a hand grabbed her and pulled her in a side halley, and she was face to face with a hotirate Ladybug.

“Uh… Hi?” Lila said.

“Hi, best friend.” the superheroine said, her voice dripping with sarcasm (maybe she hadn’t appreciated the prank). Then she pulled out her yo-yo, that apparently doubled as a communicator, and showed her a video – the interview with Cesaire, straight from the Ladyblog. “Care to explain?”

“She published it without verifying?!” Lila whisper-screamed, looking in horror at the yo-yo.

“Wait, what?”

Lila started hyperventilating. This was bad, her castle of cards was going to collapse the wrong way, and she was going to need to lock herself in her house until she was twenty! Or go for that weird plan and turn her hair into a wig while fabricating some identity and use it to get a new life, and-

“Calm down and breath with me.” Ladybug said as she put Lila’s hand on her back.

And from there Ladybug helped Lila out of her panic attack. Because of course one of Paris’ Heroes would learn to help with panic attacks.

“So… What was supposed to happen?” Ladybug asked once Lila was calmer.

“Just… Just a big prank.” Lila admitted. “My mom’s a diplomat, so we move around the world all the time, and when I get to a new school I like to try and see what I can get my new classmates to believe, and with the new class full of big names and a girl that thinks I’m actually a friend of Prince Ali rather than friendy acquaintances I decided to go big, and the Alya Cesaire calling me out was supposed to be when I pulled the rag from under everyone! She was supposed to check with you before publishing, and then give me the chance to tell everyone to guess which of my tales were true!”

“Why did you think Alya would do that? Or even could?”

“Well, I thought the exclusive interview…”

“One of her friends had accidentally deleted a video for the Ladyblog, found me, and asked me for the interview to repay her. Alya had already saved a copy, but I did it anyway.”

Lila’s palm met her forehead at terminal velocity.

“Then why didn’t she hunt you down?” Lila asked. That was what she would have done, publishing such a video with the notoriety of the Ladyblog could be suicidal.

“Because when I’m involved she stops thinking things through, and rationalizes after the fact.” Ladybug replied, exhasperation (and fondness?) clear in her voice. “I mean, the whole Lady Wi-Fi incident happened because she thought Chloé Borgeouis was me in spite of seeing me saving her in my second outing, and right after she came up with the idea I had Lucky Charmed a fake Chloé to throw off investigators…”

That was surprisingly plausible, if one didn’t know Ladybug can’t conjure living stuff – something she actually had only explained in the exclusive interview. Lila wondered why the heroine was so sure Cesaire had come to that idea only after the Lady Wi-Fi incident. Better not ask, such a train of thought could potentially lead her to stumble on her secret identity and she didn’t want nor need both the knowledge and the danger of knowing.

Speaking of knowing...

“Were you into my school’s library earlier?” Lila asked, remembering the flashes of red she had spotted.

“NO! Why would I be there?! There was nothing for me to look for!” Ladybug denied. Badly.

“Well, my guess was that you have some kind of surveillance in place due the far too many Akumatizations and spotted a certain suspicious thing or were after me for the interview, but now…” Lila made a point to try and tease Ladybug if she ever had the chance again, her faces were adorablehilarious. But pleasure could wait, she had more pressing things to do. Like giving her a certain book. “Nevermind why you were there, you certainly spotted this.”

“Why do you have it?”

“There’s Chinese-style drawings of what look like Miraculous and their users, every page has enough nonsense in nyctography to make me think it’s a code based on Chinese writing, and one page had a drawing that looks weirdly like an ancestor of mine that family lore says wore that exact costume, was involved in weird stuff, and liked to play with illusions and tricks. There’s enough to make me think it has to do with Miraculous, meaning you would want it and I was in the right place to help. Also, I need to ask my grandmother about family lore.”

Ladybug blinked for a moment, processing how she just stumbled on someone who was apparently related to a past Miraculous user, then summoned a micro camera through her Lucky Charm.

“I’ll make copies of all pages, then you give the book back to Adrien before his father goes mad.” Ladybug explained.

“Wait, you decide what to conjure?” Lila asked.

“I can, but it’s usually better left to the magic. Also, no more lies about us being friends, that could turn out to be dangerous if Hawk Moth believes it.”

“But that one wasn’t a lie, it was a prophecy.” Lila replied, pointing out how their interaction had more or less made them friends after Ladybug saved her from a mess partly of her own making.

“Just… Just try and stay safe.”

________

Given the circumstances, Lila had abandoned the plan to impress Adrien. Sure, he was cute and well connected, but a boy she barely even knew wasn’t worth a friendship, even a tentative one. Though she had given him a scare by asking him where the book was before giving it back – seriously, that was an obviously antique book. And you keep antique books safe, no matter how much or how little someone was willing to pay (and if someone had paid three millions and two hundred thousand dollars for Action Comic #1, she didn’t even want to Imagine how much this book could be valued if the right people found out about it).

The next day at school she had been approached by Gabriel Agreste’s secretary (and almost certainly the actual bodyguard. The other guy was large and intimidating and moved quite gracefully for someone his size, but this woman looked like someone who had killed before), who informed her the scare was the only reason Adrien was simply grounded after school for a week and politely asked not to do anything like that again.

Then, after collecting herself from the second most terrifying encounter in her life, she went to class and fessed up on the attempted prank chain – better face some anger now rather than face a castle of cards that could collapse the wrong way and turn her into a pariah any moment. And of course Alya Cesaire was pissed.

“Alya, did you check with Ladybug before publishing that interview?” said the pigtailed and really cute class representative, one Marinette Dupain-Cheng, right as the Ladyblogger was about to start.

“Uuuuhhhh…” Cesaire replied, her rant stopped before it could start.

“It’s my fault. I thought she could contact Ladybug with ease, and did the wrong thing.” Lila admitted.

“If I could I’d have already asked her her real identity.”

“By how she reacted to the interview, and no, we’re not friends” or rather she wasn’t gonna admit it in public now that it was true “that would be the fastest way to piss her off.”

“But how can she get rewarded for her heroism?!”

Oh. Good intentions and utter ignorance of how countries dealt with that. There were international regulations about that, as nobody wanted to either enrage a superhero or force them to quit to make a living.

“Obviously through the special account she got from the City of Paris, with money coming from either the state police or the defense budget, as per United Nations regulations.” the blonde Chloé Borgeouis, class bully and daughter of the mayor of Paris and the Queen of Style, obnoxiously pointed out. And reigniting Cesaire’s anger by pointing out that fact in the worst possible way without being vulgar.

As Marinette moved in to prevent an argument, Lila decided she liked it there. Sure, it hadn’t gone as expected but her classmates were interesting in the right way. And who knew, maybe she’d get to stand out for more than her mother or her tales.

[confettifalling]

Hi! For the ask game: 1, 2, 3, 8, and 13. :)

hi! tysm for asking (and for coming up with this game, it’s so fun)! :)

1) How did you become a Big Time Rush fan?

i saw an episode one day on nickelodeon. i remember seeing the title on the guide and going, huh, interesting name. is this an action series? (and the answer was, of course, no….but also yes, because they’re always getting kidnapped and knocked out and running from crocodiles and being roped into british spy missions. and then just shrugging like, huh. whelp. that was something. anyway. back to learning harmonies. #justboybandthings.) i pretty much watched one episode and was hooked. i also remember my mom coming in and going, this is really cute, like a present-day version of the monkees tv series your grandfather loved. and then later, i realized that was absolutely intentional and scott fellows was directly inspired by the monkees, and i watched a few of those episodes too, which was fun. 

2) Who’s your favorite member (and why)?

even when i was a kid, kendall and logan were my favorites. i didn’t really see many interviews of them back then, so i was just basing it off the tv show, tbh. now that i’m older, those two are still my favorites. they have gorgeous voices (and dimples!)  and i love how kind they are, like logan being so happy to be an uncle and talking about how he wants to pick out 3 good albums to gift kendall’s daughter so she can grow up with those songs, and how kendall is always posting some kind of photo or video with an animal, whether it’s calling over stray cats, stopping to say hello to a dog, gently petting a chicken, holding lemurs, kissing a donkey, or cuddling a pig. i was so excited to see the videos of kendall and logan together at the iheart radio awards last month, and was laughing at them blowing kisses to the camera and logan announcing that he was kendall’s baby first before maple.

3) What are your top three favorite Big Time Rush songs?

my number 1 slot always goes to no idea, particularly their live madison square garden version. their vocals are truly so beautiful and have only gotten better over the years. when i heard the finale, my jaw just sort of dropped, it was like when i was a kid and heard an iconic disney song like a whole new world for the first time again. it’s such a great feeling and not many songs and voices can sort of stop you in your tracks like that. my 2 and 3 spots are always in flux, so i’ll just say i’ve been listening to dale pa’ya and not giving you up a lot lately. (and also the acoustic version of i know you know.)

8) Who’s your favorite character from the show?

that’s hard, but i’m going to go with lucy. she’s really fun and i’m a fan of other shows the actress has been in as well. plus, according to tv canon, she’s what got us paralyzed (which i love and i’m so happy the boys finally officially released.)

13) What’s your favorite picture of Big Time Rush?

i like the ones where they’re goofing off, like this one:

i need to know what this deleted scene was, considering they’re in their not giving you up outfits. big time relationship services ended up being a pyramid scheme? money laundering via office supplies and teddy bears? they made criminally catchy bops?

[reigningqueenofwords]

Coming Clean

Pairing: past Dean x Reader, Dean x Allie (OC), Benny x Reader Word count: 2,234

Read on AO3

Part 4 of Unholy

Cas, Garth, and Benny all rushed into the ER waiting room half an hour later. Allie was sitting there, worried. “Baby.” Dean went to her, pulling her into a hug. She was clearly upset. “They wouldn’t let you back there?” 

“I didn’t ask. I wanted to wait out here for you.” She admitted, a tint to her cheeks. “I should have asked if I could go with her so she isn’t alone.” 

He rubbed her back as the others sat down. “It’s okay. I’m sure she understands.” He said softly. “What happened anyway? You didn’t say, just that you needed to bring her to the hospital.” 

“We were enjoying lunch, and she excused herself to go to the bathroom.” She began. “She came back, looking pale. She didn’t look good. I thought maybe she’d been sick. It happens sometimes. It just sneaks up on you.” Which he would know by now. “She asked me to bring her, and I could hear the fear in her voice.” Allie was clearly upset as she spoke. “She said that she’d gone to the bathroom and it was like she was having a really heavy period day. We quickly paid and I drove her straight here.” 

Dean’s heart sank as she spoke. He looked to Benny and they shared a look. Benny’s was harsh, while Dean’s was scared. “Can I talk to you outside for a minute?” He asked Allie, helping her stand up. “We’ll be right back.” He told the guys, who all looked extremely worried. 

Once outside, Dean ran a hand over his face. “What’s going on? What did you need to talk about?” Allie asked, watching her husband pace off to the side. 

When he looked at her, she saw the way his eyes were watering. “Please just let me get this out and don’t say anything just yet.” He all but pleaded. She nodded, a confused look on her face. “I was attracted to Y/N from day one. As soon as she came in for that interview.” He started, swallowing. “She had no idea we’re married, let me tell you that right now. She knew I had kids, but I don’t wear a ring, and you never came up.” He hated the look that was taking over her face. “A couple weeks after she started working there, I asked her to stay late. I got us dinner and we slept together.” Dean felt like he’d be sick as he saw the heartbreak take over Allie’s face. “We kept having little dates and sleeping together until the day you came in to get me for lunch. She had planned to talk to me that night, and instead she tore into me.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I honestly expected her to hit me, but seeing her cry was worse. I asked her to stay at the shop. The guys clearly love her. I told her we’d stop sleeping together, and honestly she made the shop brighter. She told me…” He took a deep breath. “She told me that unless I’m a deadbeat I’d still be seeing her. She quit on the spot. A couple weeks later she texted saying she hadn’t even had an interview, and asked if she could come back to work until she found another job. I agreed. She’s been all but cold to me since. She’s been worried about you wanting to be friends because of everything. She didn’t want to tell you she wouldn’t go to lunches because she didn’t want you thinking that she didn’t like you. I’m guessing she spent all morning worried. She made it clear it was my job to be honest with you.” He was now crying. “I’m sorry.” 

Allie stared at him. “Not only did you cheat on me, you led another woman on, you got her pregnant, and you couldn’t even come clean?” She glared at him. While she was upset you hadn’t been honest with her, she could understand feeling that it was Dean’s place. She would be talking to you once they were sure you were okay. 

He nodded. “Yeah.” He breathed. 

“Do the guys know? Do your parents know?!” 

“The guys do. The first day after she quit they brought her soup, crackers, and tea. They showed up at her place thinking that she was sick. She was honest with them.” He explained. “My parents don’t know.” God his mom was going to be so disappointed. 

She took a deep breath, calming herself. “I cannot believe you.” She seethed. “Ten years together, and you threw it all away. While I’m pregnant.” Her heart was broken. “I’m going to sit with the guys, because I want to make sure she’s okay. But we will be having a talk when we get home tonight about what’s going on. Your parents have the kids and I’ll be asking them to keep them overnight. They don’t need to hear why a lying, cheating asshole their father is.” She turned to head back inside. 

No one said anything as they came back inside, but Benny looked at his phone when he heard it go off. You were texting him. Hope work is going okay. Did you not think Allie would tell them about you lying in the hospital right then? 

Baby, the shop closed for the afternoon. Me, Allie, Dean, Garth, and Cas as sitting in the waiting room. We’re not going anywhere until we know you’re okay. He quickly sent back. He could tell that Dean likely told Allie the truth, but didn’t want you stressing over that right at the moment. Want me to ask if I can come back to keep you company? He offered. 

Please. It’s lonely. And cold. 

Getting up, he went to the nurses station. “Excuse me, ma’am?” He greeted the older nurse. “My cher is back there. She texted me she wants me back there. She’s scared, and alone. Can I please go sit with her?” 

She gave him a soft look. “What’s her name, sweetpea?” She asked. 

“Y/N Y/L/N.” He told her, hopeful. 

Turning, she caught the attention of another nurse. “Can you watch the desk while I bring this gentleman to his girlfriend?” 

“Of course.” He agreed, moving to take her place. 

“Follow me.” She told him. 

Dean sighed as he watched Benny be led to the back. While he understood why you’d want Benny with you, part of him felt that he should be the one back there. Afterall, it was his baby. Sitting back, he leaned his head against the wall. 

“I’m going to get something from the vending machine. Do you need anything, Allie?” Garth asked as he stood up. “Water or a snack?” 

She gave him a small smile. “Water, please.” She told him. “Thank you.” 

With a nod, he made his way to where the vending machines were. He was wondering how long you’d be back there, and if you’d be okay. Had anyone called your mom? He certainly didn’t have your number, but was she your emergency contact at work? Would Dean call her, even if the emergency had nothing to do with work?

“Hey there, cher.” Benny’s voice was soft as he made his way to you. Instantly, he was sitting on the side of the bed, holding you. 

“Thank you for coming back here.” You held him close. “Hopefully you being back here will make time not drag on so slowly. It feels like I’ve been in here for hours upon hours.” 

He kissed the top of your head as he rubbed your back. “Any news yet?” 

You shook your head and sighed. “I have no idea what’s going on.” You hated this so much. 

“Can I stay with you tonight? I want to make sure you’re okay.” 

“Yeah, I think I’ll need that.” You moved a bit to the side so he could sit next to you and hold you. 

“Baby, it’s been like 5 hours. Why don’t you go get some dinner. You need to eat.” Dean told Allie. “If we find anything out I’ll call you.” He promised. He knew that she was worried. 

Just as she was about to give in, you and Benny came out from the back. His fingers were gently laced with yours. You looked away from Dean to the others. “You didn’t need to stay here all afternoon.” You told them. “You have lives.” 

Cas got up to go hug you. “You are our friend, and we would have been worried either way. This way we were here for you when you came out.” He assured you. 

You hugged him back, giving him a small squeeze. “Benny is ordering dinner, why don’t you guys come over and we can fill you in on what’s going on.”

“Us, too?” Allie asked, hopeful. 

“Sure.” You nodded. “Benny is going to drive me home, though.” You told her. “Can I get my things from your car?” 

“Of course.” She agreed, moving to walk with you. The guys walked a few paces back. While they were glad to see you, they were still worried. “I’m assuming you’ll be staying home tomorrow?” 

You shook your head. “I’m okay to work. I sit at a desk, so the doctor said that’s fine. I do have bills.” 

Allie gave your arm a small squeeze at that. “Can I come see you after work tomorrow? I’d like some girl time.” 

It was obvious she needed to speak with you. “Yeah, sure.” You agreed

Benny ordered Chinese, Cas had made a run for drinks for everyone, Garth went to buy dessert, and while they did that…Allie and Dean were sitting in your living room. As soon as you were home, you’d gone to take a quick shower. You needed that day off of you. You wanted it to be over and done with. 

Finally, everyone was sitting around your living room, plate on their lap. There just wasn’t enough room in your dining room. “So, the baby is fine.” You spoke up, making everyone stare at you like a deer in headlights. “Apparently this is common. As long as I’m not in pain I should be okay. I have a follow up with my doctor in a couple weeks. They said the bleeding could stop tomorrow, could be next week. It all depends.” You shrugged, chewing on your lip. 

Dean looked relieved at that, but didn’t say anything. He’d been expecting you to say you’d lost the baby. He wouldn’t have been able to hold back his reaction to that at all. “I’m glad you’re both okay.” Allie told you sincerely. 

“Thank you. I am, too.” You had been terrified the whole time you were back there. “I think part of me will be scared until they’re born, honestly.” You picked at your food. 

“I understand.” She would feel the same way in your shoes. 

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Supernatural AU

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Dean Winchester/Reader

Dean Winchester/OC

Additional Tags:

Cheating

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Language:EnglishStats:Published:2024-05-24Updated:2024-05-26Words:10,345Chapters:4/?Comments:7Kudos:9Bookmarks:1Hits:115

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Chapter 4: Coming Clean

Chapter Text

Cas, Garth, and Benny all rushed into the ER waiting room half an hour later. Allie was sitting there, worried. “Baby.” Dean went to her, pulling her into a hug. She was clearly upset. “They wouldn’t let you back there?” 

“I didn’t ask. I wanted to wait out here for you.” She admitted, a tint to her cheeks. “I should have asked if I could go with her so she isn’t alone.” 

He rubbed her back as the others sat down. “It’s okay. I’m sure she understands.” He said softly. “What happened anyway? You didn’t say, just that you needed to bring her to the hospital.” 

“We were enjoying lunch, and she excused herself to go to the bathroom.” She began. “She came back, looking pale. She didn’t look good. I thought maybe she’d been sick. It happens sometimes. It just sneaks up on you.” Which he would know by now. “She asked me to bring her, and I could hear the fear in her voice.” Allie was clearly upset as she spoke. “She said that she’d gone to the bathroom and it was like she was having a really heavy period day. We quickly paid and I drove her straight here.” 

Dean’s heart sank as she spoke. He looked to Benny and they shared a look. Benny’s was harsh, while Dean’s was scared. “Can I talk to you outside for a minute?” He asked Allie, helping her stand up. “We’ll be right back.” He told the guys, who all looked extremely worried. 

Once outside, Dean ran a hand over his face. “What’s going on? What did you need to talk about?” Allie asked, watching her husband pace off to the side. 

When he looked at her, she saw the way his eyes were watering. “Please just let me get this out and don’t say anything just yet.” He all but pleaded. She nodded, a confused look on her face. “I was attracted to Y/N from day one. As soon as she came in for that interview.” He started, swallowing. “She had no idea we’re married, let me tell you that right now. She knew I had kids, but I don’t wear a ring, and you never came up.” He hated the look that was taking over her face. “A couple weeks after she started working there, I asked her to stay late. I got us dinner and we slept together.” Dean felt like he’d be sick as he saw the heartbreak take over Allie’s face. “We kept having little dates and sleeping together until the day you came in to get me for lunch. She had planned to talk to me that night, and instead she tore into me.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I honestly expected her to hit me, but seeing her cry was worse. I asked her to stay at the shop. The guys clearly love her. I told her we’d stop sleeping together, and honestly she made the shop brighter. She told me…” He took a deep breath. “She told me that unless I’m a deadbeat I’d still be seeing her. She quit on the spot. A couple weeks later she texted saying she hadn’t even had an interview, and asked if she could come back to work until she found another job. I agreed. She’s been all but cold to me since. She’s been worried about you wanting to be friends because of everything. She didn’t want to tell you she wouldn’t go to lunches because she didn’t want you thinking that she didn’t like you. I’m guessing she spent all morning worried. She made it clear it was my job to be honest with you.” He was now crying. “I’m sorry.” 

Allie stared at him. “Not only did you cheat on me, you led another woman on, you got her pregnant, and you couldn’t even come clean?” She glared at him. While she was upset you hadn’t been honest with her, she could understand feeling that it was Dean’s place. She would be talking to you once they were sure you were okay. 

He nodded. “Yeah.” He breathed. 

“Do the guys know? Do your parents know?!” 

“The guys do. The first day after she quit they brought her soup, crackers, and tea. They showed up at her place thinking that she was sick. She was honest with them.” He explained. “My parents don’t know.” God his mom was going to be so disappointed. 

She took a deep breath, calming herself. “I cannot believe you.” She seethed. “Ten years together, and you threw it all away. While I’m pregnant.” Her heart was broken. “I’m going to sit with the guys, because I want to make sure she’s okay. But we will be having a talk when we get home tonight about what’s going on. Your parents have the kids and I’ll be asking them to keep them overnight. They don’t need to hear why a lying, cheating asshole their father is.” She turned to head back inside. 

No one said anything as they came back inside, but Benny looked at his phone when he heard it go off. You were texting him. Hope work is going okay. Did you not think Allie would tell them about you lying in the hospital right then? 

Baby, the shop closed for the afternoon. Me, Allie, Dean, Garth, and Cas as sitting in the waiting room. We’re not going anywhere until we know you’re okay. He quickly sent back. He could tell that Dean likely told Allie the truth, but didn’t want you stressing over that right at the moment. Want me to ask if I can come back to keep you company? He offered. 

Please. It’s lonely. And cold. 

Getting up, he went to the nurses station. “Excuse me, ma’am?” He greeted the older nurse. “My cher is back there. She texted me she wants me back there. She’s scared, and alone. Can I please go sit with her?” 

She gave him a soft look. “What’s her name, sweetpea?” She asked. 

“Y/N Y/L/N.” He told her, hopeful. 

Turning, she caught the attention of another nurse. “Can you watch the desk while I bring this gentleman to his girlfriend?” 

“Of course.” He agreed, moving to take her place. 

“Follow me.” She told him. 

Dean sighed as he watched Benny be led to the back. While he understood why you’d want Benny with you, part of him felt that he should be the one back there. Afterall, it was his baby. Sitting back, he leaned his head against the wall. 

“I’m going to get something from the vending machine. Do you need anything, Allie?” Garth asked as he stood up. “Water or a snack?” 

She gave him a small smile. “Water, please.” She told him. “Thank you.” 

With a nod, he made his way to where the vending machines were. He was wondering how long you’d be back there, and if you’d be okay. Had anyone called your mom? He certainly didn’t have your number, but was she your emergency contact at work? Would Dean call her, even if the emergency had nothing to do with work?

“Hey there, cher.” Benny’s voice was soft as he made his way to you. Instantly, he was sitting on the side of the bed, holding you. 

“Thank you for coming back here.” You held him close. “Hopefully you being back here will make time not drag on so slowly. It feels like I’ve been in here for hours upon hours.” 

He kissed the top of your head as he rubbed your back. “Any news yet?” 

You shook your head and sighed. “I have no idea what’s going on.” You hated this so much. 

“Can I stay with you tonight? I want to make sure you’re okay.” 

“Yeah, I think I’ll need that.” You moved a bit to the side so he could sit next to you and hold you. 

“Baby, it’s been like 5 hours. Why don’t you go get some dinner. You need to eat.” Dean told Allie. “If we find anything out I’ll call you.” He promised. He knew that she was worried. 

Just as she was about to give in, you and Benny came out from the back. His fingers were gently laced with yours. You looked away from Dean to the others. “You didn’t need to stay here all afternoon.” You told them. “You have lives.” 

Cas got up to go hug you. “You are our friend, and we would have been worried either way. This way we were here for you when you came out.” He assured you. 

You hugged him back, giving him a small squeeze. “Benny is ordering dinner, why don’t you guys come over and we can fill you in on what’s going on.”

“Us, too?” Allie asked, hopeful. 

“Sure.” You nodded. “Benny is going to drive me home, though.” You told her. “Can I get my things from your car?” 

“Of course.” She agreed, moving to walk with you. The guys walked a few paces back. While they were glad to see you, they were still worried. “I’m assuming you’ll be staying home tomorrow?” 

You shook your head. “I’m okay to work. I sit at a desk, so the doctor said that’s fine. I do have bills.” 

Allie gave your arm a small squeeze at that. “Can I come see you after work tomorrow? I’d like some girl time.” 

It was obvious she needed to speak with you. “Yeah, sure.” You agreed. 

Benny ordered Chinese, Cas had made a run for drinks for everyone, Garth went to buy dessert, and while they did that…Allie and Dean were sitting in your living room. As soon as you were home, you’d gone to take a quick shower. You needed that day off of you. You wanted it to be over and done with. 

Finally, everyone was sitting around your living room, plate on their lap. There just wasn’t enough room in your dining room. “So, the baby is fine.” You spoke up, making everyone stare at you like a deer in headlights. “Apparently this is common. As long as I’m not in pain I should be okay. I have a follow up with my doctor in a couple weeks. They said the bleeding could stop tomorrow, could be next week. It all depends.” You shrugged, chewing on your lip. 

Dean looked relieved at that, but didn’t say anything. He’d been expecting you to say you’d lost the baby. He wouldn’t have been able to hold back his reaction to that at all. “I’m glad you’re both okay.” Allie told you sincerely. 

“Thank you. I am, too.” You had been terrified the whole time you were back there. “I think part of me will be scared until they’re born, honestly.” You picked at your food. 

“I understand.” She would feel the same way in your shoes. 

Dean and Allie drove home in their own cars, both of their minds going 100 miles an hour. Dean knew his marriage was over, and he couldn’t blame Allie at all. There was nothing he could do to save things. Allie couldn’t forgive Dean, but could she try to move on? Try to let him earn that trust back? He was an amazing father, and was a good husband- outside of this cheating. She was so torn. 

Once home, Allie slipped off her shoes and went to sit on the couch. Dean quietly followed her, sitting on another couch. He didn’t think she’d want him near her now. “Has there been anyone else?” She asked him. 

“No. No one else.” He answered honestly. “I’ve never wanted to sleep with anyone else.” He didn’t know how the hell that would help, but he said it anyway. 

She chewed her lip, thinking things over. “You know I can’t forgive you for this, right?”

He teared up as he nodded. “I know, and I know I can never make this up to you.” This was it. This was the end of everything. He’d have to move out, only see his kids on the weekends, and one day watch Allie love someone else like she had loved him. He’d probably stay with his parents for a bit while he found a place. His parents would side with Allie, not that he would have expected anything else. He wiped his hand over his face. 

“Can you answer something for me?” 

“Anything. I’m an open book.” 

Taking a deep breath, she readied herself for anything he could say. “First, why her? What made you suddenly decide to cheat on me? You said you’d never wanted to sleep with anyone else.” That was the first big question. 

“There was just something about her. I was drawn to her. I can’t explain it.” He knew that was a weak answer, but he didn’t know what else to say. “I was attracted to her the moment I saw her.” He sagged. 

Allie honestly didn’t know how to take that, so she went to her next question. “Would you have ever told me if she didn’t get pregnant? Did you just not use a condom?” 

He winced at her tone, and her words. “No, and…no.” He groaned. “I was an idiot, I know.” He admitted. “I ruined our lives, and I will never be able to fix things.” His voice cracked as he spoke. 

“Do you love her?”

[narciesuss]

Season Two

Episode One: You thought bitch 🤪

WARNING! FULL DISCLOSURE! A message for your sensitive ass! Don’t take my advice or anything I say seriously. This is all for shits and giggles. Why you trippin?

Press play 😏

I don't wanna be carrying the weight on my shoulders

Death has come to me, kissed me on my cheek, gave me closure

Immortal by design, I'll be meeting you here every time

Back from the dead

Sorry guys. I had to put some demons to sleep real quick. In the process I fell in love with a ghost, delusions, energy leeches, and a burden masked as a soul connection. Oh and I was trapped in the spiritual realm by this demon who was super into my wings, fucking weirdo.

Anyways!

The Universe has blessed me with isolation. My circle is small and cozy now.

I’m not gonna lie, the way most of my past connections ended left me heartbroken and sometimes literally beaten 💔

I don’t wish any harm on y’all, but you made the decision to burn that bridge. You made your bed now sleep in it, slobber in it! It’s so funny how y’all keep coming back and I still don’t hear a sincere apology.

Please stay away with your negative vibes ✋ get help.

But if you really want to be lurking and keep up with me then…

Welcome to The Motherfucking Kassie Show 💜

Here you’ll find me glowing the fuck up! And dissing you because this is my blog and I’ll write whatever the fuck I want.

But yeah you can always find me here 🤗 not in your DMs, not watching your story, not asking about your dumbass, and certainly not at your front door. YOU will find ME here ✨ because that’s all the access you have.

I can’t make everyone happy ✨

I’m just one of me 🖤 I can’t split myself into twos, threes, fours…

You don’t own me. I belong to myself and myself only.

If there is something I want you to take from all of this it’s self-love.

✨🌕✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Wednesday April 5th 2023 at 11:34 pm we had a Pink Libra Full Moon super charged with the essence of death and endings. I hope you all used this time wisely by cleansing and releasing what no longer serves you.

I sacrificed my every day journal/scrapbook/book of shadows and threw it into my Full Moon fire. I thought, I don’t longer think the same so I shouldn’t hold onto it. Shrug. Rough draft.

🐰💛🐰💛🐰💛🐰💛🐰💛🐰💛🐰💛🐰💛🐰💛🐰

Happy Easter my bunnies 💕

Repeat after me

I herby decree that my aura and chakras be cleaned and made pure

I herby decree that my soul and essence be cleaned and pure

I herby decree that my energy and power belong to only me

I call back my energy

I call back my power

I call back all that belongs to me. Anything that is no longer serving my best and higher purpose, I call back to me right now.

I demand peace for my soul

Repeat that shit every morning and every night before your pretty little eyes close for the day 💋

And!

I hope you’re setting those boundaries and walking in your true power. Claim it all because you’re going to need every drop where we’re going 🙃

👸🏻🤍

End Credits:

I wanna thank my coworkers for encouraging me to keep the series alive.

I wanna thank my cute dealer for being there through the ups and downs. You’re a real one 💚

I wanna thank my cat for doing the vibration thing that triggers the happy cells in my brain 🤓😺

I wanna thank the Universe for this glow baaaybeeeeee 😈

☠️💀☠️💀☠️💀☠️💀☠️💀☠️💀☠️💀☠️💀☠️💀☠️💀

Next time on The Kassie Show!:

I interview your mom 😮‍💨

Jk

We’re talking about Angel numbers and spiritual downloads and your mom 🫶

Episode Two is up Monday April 10th

[winderlylandchime]

Hello! I’m here to tell you that my brother and Brian the cat are officially back home! I have to tell you some stuff tho! I was asked (nicely) to send you a message and i almost died when i got texts from my dad yesterday, so i knew i had to let you know. Anyway just a little thing for you to read because i thought you should see it as well.

I got a text from my dad that my brother befriended the old lady that sat next to him on the plane and they discussed Desperate Housewives because he is still watching it (he isnt at Gales season yet) and the lady really liked it back when it aired. He originally mentioned Gale and was about to tell her about qaf and my dad smacked him on the head and went ‘don’t even think about it. I’m not (my name)’ (he mentioned Gale and went ‘he was on this show Queer as OW’ according to my dad. You can take a guess when my dad smacked him) So he definitely has different ways of dealing with him than I do..I wouldve let it happen and then watch in amusement for 5 hours while he has an old lady trapped with him on a plane while he talks about two dudes in love.

ALSO! They had a surprise party planned for him. And i got a video sent to me of my brother’s girls (aka the queens) and his best friends that came to wait for him at the airport. They even made him a sign (the sign said ‘welcome back Mr Wannabe Kinney’) and he was so happy. And then they all surprised him at that bar they all go to! Turns out my mom, grandma, grandpa and the queens planned a surprise welcome home party. They decorated it all with signs that based on some photos had qaf topics written on them and balloons and when he sent me a photo this morning of all of them in a group, i swear it’s the cutest shit ever. I wish you could’ve seen it but just imagine a shit ton of people where 98% are queer, a few drag queens and then in the middle a dude with a Britin shirt on that looks like he doesn’t even belong there. It’s adorable how happy they all are to have him back and I can’t wait to find out how long that lasted until he unloaded all of his qaf/gale/randy/britin knowledge on them.

And secondly, I’m a little late with this but he did text me before he boarded the plane, asking me to relay a message to you: ‘yooo tell them that I just read that last chapter while we were waiting on our flight. What a fucking ending. I actually loved it, felt good, felt nice, felt like the right time. Wish that the real show ended in a similar way. For real (my name), you’re gonna love it when you read it.’

After that I texted him your replies to my message and he immediately texted me back ‘DRAG QUEEN STORY IS NEXT?! FUCK YEAH! I CANT FUCKING WAIT!’ And then in the middle of the night (so for him around 3 am) a very lovely text followed up: ‘can you nicely ask them to tell their Hannah Montana friend that I fucking love the new story. I have so many guesses and theories how it’s gonna go and I can’t wait to be wrong cause I know it’s gonna be better. And this shit is based on how the other person’s friends met?! I have so many questions, I feel like they’re right up my ally.’ After that he spammed my phone to ask me if I’ve read both of the fics yet (i have and they’re absolutely brilliant. You guys are talented as fuck)

Today he actually called me to talk to me about your epilogue and about your friends fic. This is really how we will bond from now on, isn’t it? I did send him your little teaser of the drag queen fic and he completely lost his shit. He’s so excited and if you were nervous about writing this fic, just so you know, you got a random straight dude in your corner because he is so excited for it, it’s kinda ridiculous (not really, its actually really sweet)

Btw, about the podcast Ron and Dan were on, I’ve also never listened to their podcasts even though I knew about it. But curiosity did get the best of me so I went and checked it out. It was a pretty decent interview. I don’t think it made me hate them more or less, kinda just the same. They didn’t say anything that I would clock as bad. I did see that they might do a part 2 where they’ll answer fan’s questions so i guess we’ll see then how i feel about them.

Dear sweet anon! Thank you so much for sending this update.

Queer as OW I'm dying! I would have let him trap that lady too. Maybe gotten another viewer of the show!

Welcome Back Mr. Wannabe Kinney! Oh I love that. I'm going to guess that since they're his friends, they're used to him info-dumping on them and they signed up for this. Otherwise, they wouldn't have encouraged it with their care packages. They know who he is.

I'm so glad he (and you!) enjoyed the final chapter of Fireflies. It was a short chapter given how long it took me to write it. I'm just terrible at ending fics.

This is my friend's story (as I texted it to the fic author):

"We were at a sex party and after fucking, I asked for his number and he actually gave me his real number instead of what he usually did which was give out the number of the last guy who had 'exchanged' numbers with him."

I'm excited that he's excited for the drag queen AU. It's going to be a long time coming though. I mapped it out yesterday and it's going to be about 20 chapters because I want a chapter devoted to each of the drag race all-stars challenges. And I'm going to include actual queens from the show. I want to have a good amount written before I start posting to make sure I'm up to the challenge. It's hard to capture everyone's voices and balance that many moving parts. My fics tend to focus on relationships and mental health, I don't write super plotty fics so this is new for me. I'm really excited for it though.

I'm going to check out the podcast! After I finish listening to my library book. WHILE WE WAIT FOR ANOTHER RANDY PODCAST EPISODE.

[mrgammakay]

Remember when memes used to be questionnaires instead of gifs??? I AM ANCIENTTTTTT. @imindhowwelayinjune​ has placed a curse upon my house and now I’m honor-bound to dispel it.

Last song: Burn by 2WEI & Edda Hayes

Last show: The English was the last show I watched all the way through. I’m here for a good western and gotta use that accidental Amazon Prime 30 day free trial while it’s there.

Last Movie: I honestly can’t remember. Last time I was on a plane with in-flight entertainment, I watched Jurassic World: Dominion. It was terrible. But, hey, there were dinosaurs eating people.

Currently watching: I’m making my way through Rise of Empires: Ottoman Season 2. Work is holding me back but I WILL watch ancient political corruption, thanks. If all documentaries were shot like historical dramas, they would be my dragon hoard and I’d roll in a pile of them like a cat in catnip.

Currently reading: I’ve been trying to finish Women of Troy for over a month now, but I got distracted by a strong desire for magic ninja content. I also have A River Enchanted and Babel queued up in the reading roster.

Current obsession: I will never be able to escape my preoccupation with Uchihas. At this point, they’ve haunted me for over two decades and will haunt me for decades to come. I’ve been rereading the manga since Christmas. My DnD group has listened to 45 minutes of dissertations on power scaling problems in Naruto canon. Kishimoto continues to drag me to emotional narrative peaks joined together, not by sensible plot arcs or logical character motivations, but decimated, wasteland valleys of absolute plot fuckery.

Anyway. Sasuke’s a bitch, Itachi’s a god, and Shisui is a pure tragedy. I’ll be in this hell for the rest of my life.

------

Five books I’ve enjoyed since September

Okay, I basically didn’t read in October or November but I sprinted through about 10 books in December to try to reach my reading goal for the year (unsuccessful).

She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan. New favorite book of all time. It’s got all my kinks: war, ancient history, swords, horses, deep-seated loathing (self and otherwise), vague mythological magic systems, khans. Never in my life have I connected with a character in a more visceral, unwanted way. My existential crisis was full-blown. I didn’t want to identify with a eunuch on a profound level, but here we are.

Greywaren by Maggie Steifvater. I reread the whole series before going into the final book, so I can’t remember if Greywaren was my favorite. But I’ve never read a magical world similar to the nonsense that goes on in the Dreamer Trilogy. It’s real good. Ronan is also a peak character. Aggressive goth Gryffindor farmboy representation matters.

Rogues: True Stories of Grifters, Killers, Rebels and Crooks by Patrick Radden Keefe. Like true crime but don’t like gory details? I don’t understand you, but this is the book you’re looking for.

Furysong by Rosaria Munda. I found the character arc resolutions a little unsatisfying in the end but overall, this is probably my top young adult fantasy series. Dragons. There’s so many dragons.

I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy. What a ride. I saw a lot of her interviews about this book before I read it, so I knew exactly what I was getting into. It’s powerful for someone to talk about their bullshit in a way that doesn’t sugar coat it. 

-----

Last line written

I wrote almost nothing this year, but somehow this question caught me when I’ve just started working on a project again. The rust on this keyboard has been corroding since 2020.

“Still alive?” He asks. Irunae looks remarkably better than Énkava feels. He’s sitting up, for one. “So you’re not completely useless, then.”

[stfuviolet1]

Alhamdulillah, my prayer has been answered just at the right time. After almost 3 months of job hunting, 2 trial and error law firms, I finally received an offer to work at a place that aligns with my goals and values. I have been praying for this day and night and I know it might be too soon to judge, but I have a good feeling about this firm.

The pay may not be as high as the ones offered in KL, but looking at other factors, it seems like a fair rate to me. I mean it’s not that bad tho since I’ve got 2 other side jobs so money isn’t really the issue.

Last month, I declined an offer to work at Damien’s. YOO Damien and the whole team really be giving the Suits vibe. Istg Mr Ian looks like LOUIS LITT, the hair, the chubbiness, the teeth 😭😭 Damien is the most good looking one and he dresses as sharp as Harvey (he’s the MP duhh) and I guess Jeff is the Mike Ross in the group. And as much as I’d love to be a part of the team and who knows become the next Samantha/Jessica I just don’t feel right about it. No actually, I think I’d be fine but my mom won’t. They openly expressed their culture on how open minded and liberal they are yknow drinking and stuffs is a normal thing in the firm and I’m expected to blend in. And to tell the truth, as much as I know myself and I know I’m just as social butterfly, it’s different than my life in general. I know I can be pretty social I do stuffs too but I’m on some sort of soul searching and personal development and when it comes to people I hang out with, I get to choose when to hang out with them and when not to hang out with them yknow. I can avoid them as much as I want whenever I don’t feel like hanging out but when it comes to work? I wouldn’t have much choice and I don’t want to be stuck in a position where I have to lie to myself to fit in. I mean I will see them everyday every week and will most likely spend more than half of my day with them. Yeap Mr Ian told me you don’t dream of going back early I must stay in for as long as they need me to. So tell me how can I avoid them and not fall into the rabbit hole again. Sighs

Anyways enough with Damien, I went to another iv at KD and honestly I didn’t put too much hope on this one cause I don’t want to get disappointed. Didn’t prepare much as I wasn’t feeling well but showed up regardless, and I was so close to bail out when I couldn’t find a parking and when I did, I kinda lost sight of the company and had to walk veeeery very far just to find the place. In HEELS some more sheesh. Went in regardless, nicely greeted and filled in some forms. Few mins later Mr Greg, the MP of the firm came inside the meeting room to interview me (thank god the MP showed up so I don’t have to come for a second iv I thought to myself) spent an hour in the room answering to his questions and just listened to him talking. Well it was pretty smooth ivs he explained everything about the nature of my work and he allows me to be working under general litigation department which, the reason I wanted to switch firm. Oh ohh he’s a pro of work life balance too weee he literally told me he doesn’t want to see my face during the weekends lol.

But I guess,, the main reason why I’m open to accept his job offer is… he supports me. He doesn’t just support me but he encourages me to pursue my goals. He supports me to not just be a lawyer but also as an educator. Most of the interviewers’ that I have met in the past asked me if I am willing to let go of my side job just so I can devote my full time and attention to their firms when I told them I work as part time teacher. But Mr Greg.. he was really supportive of my side job he even encourage me to go back at 6pm sharp just so I could teach at night. I mean obv I ain’t gonna do that but it’s the thought that counts. I mean to think of it, all of the lawyers I talked to before really be gaslighting me when I don’t match their level of ‘hard work’ and romanticize slavery. I am very committed and dedicated towards my job it’s just I’m a firm believer that work should be a part of life, not the other way around and it really warms my heart to acknowledge that Mr Greg is living by the same principle as me. He was an educator before too so I guess that’s why we speak the same language and I guess maybe this is the right place for me at the moment. After all I don’t teach for money, I do it because it’s somehow therapeutic to me to be able to see my students once a week and deliver knowledge to them. The type of conversation we have each week and to witness their growth? Indescribable. I will work just as hard as everyone else until I see my name’s on the door, but as for now what’s important is I don’t jeopardize my sanity by indulging myself into a toxic working environment. I am and will always live by Jim Rohn’s quote;

“Work hard on yourself more than you work hard on your job. You work hard on your job, you’ll make a living and that’s fine but when you work harder on yourself, you’ll make a fortune. And that is the most noble thing you could ever done to yourself”

Fey 13/9/24

[docholligay]

“We are what we pretend to be. So we must be careful what we pretend to be”

Hello! This is about up to Episode 3 of Yellowjackets, and ONLY episode 3 of Yellowjackets. I have not seen beyond the third episode, at all, and know NOTHING about this show. Please do not spoil it for me.  Things that are spoilery in nature, for me, include: saying things like  “Just wait!!” confirming or denying anything I put forward, outside information about the cast interviews or creator statements, leading questions like “Do you think “blank moment” means anything?” etc. Remember  that Y’ALL HAVE SEEN THE SHOW AND I HAVE NOT. This informs the way you  talk about things relating to the show. Just be really careful is all  I’m asking. Also: If there is LITERALLY any stance I  could take on this show or character that would make you upset, please  just fucking block the tag

If you WOULD like to discuss the show and my takes on it, the Discord is right here! I don’t go there, so it’s a great place to get every emotion out.

Please thank @sailorsunspot and @moonlight-frittata for backing this odd way of doing a liveblog, and remember my tip jar is always open

I have never read the Vonnegut novel that quote above is from. I confess to keeping a bit of distance from Vonnegut through absolutely no fault of his own, but because his fans tend to be incredibly insufferable and some of his lines make great tattoos and insta posts for people who read one book a year. If that sounds judgmental, congratulations, you’ve passed the tone portion of the reading comprehension test.

Anyway, I don’t think you need to know the context for the first quote, because on the one hand, it’s what we would call in the literary world: foreshadowing. My immediate reaction was “Oh, he’s the sort of dude who wants you to know he reads Vonnegut” although in full fairness most of those dudes immediately after say, ‘that’s Kurt Vonnegut” so I might be unfair there. But he fits a lot of the profile: he’s young, he considers himself charming, he’s outre and considers himself an individual, all that. And that’s not wrong, maybe. This scene is doing a lot of things at once, it can definitely juggle that.

BUT.

What this is, is the show:

A) Putting a red flag in front of Adam. I have thought Adam was a liar and maybe doing the same shit as the reporter for awhile now, but this confirms it. he’s pretending. This whole thing with Shauna is manufactured and is abotu something that has nothing to do with Shauna, and how the fuck is Shauna going to react when she realizes that this person she’s throwing herself at to make herself feel alive again, this person she’s throwing herself at because she’s tired of fucking the corpse of her love and hatred for her best friend through her husband, who, if he isn’t Jeff the old boyfriend I will eat my fucking hat, this person she feels SOME KINSHIP with, is playing her.

This whole episode is about playing, I think that’s why it’s called The Dollhouse. Playing at adulthood, playing at love, playing at marriage, and also, Adam is playing at seduction.

B) Offering up a thesis statement for the show. All of these girls are actively hiding and pretending to be the thing they are (except, actually, Misty, who has no gift for such things. More on her in her own post, the little scamp. I hate her so much and she’s the greatest character of all time).

Shauna is playacting at being a stay at home mom because she thinks that’s safe, but she’s someone who fucking ate a girl and also participated in the murder of at least one. She is, to go back to an earlier post, a wolf full on masquerading as a RABBIT, because she’s living jackie’s life as a source of atonement.

Taissa is a good upright clean liberal with a nice family, on paper. She’s pretending to be that, and not the cunning and dangerous wolf she is with a child who is either literally or figuratively haunted by the specter of Tai’s grandmother, which I think might be some kind of statement about tai’s interaction with mortality and knowing, but I want to see more show before I come down anywhere on that. Anyhow.

Nat is pretending to be clean when even at her fucking best she was just a dry drunk. “I’m not high, if it matters.” But you’re still arrested. She’s pretending to be a tough girl, when she’s the girl to whom I would most easily affix “pathetic and wet” She’s a fucking sandcastle of a human being, and I actually do not think adult Nat will survive the show though i don’t know the means by which i think that’ll happen the call could easily come from inside the house but I don’t know the narrative place being set well enough to know if that’ll serve it.

ANYHOW. In pretending to be these things, do they risk becoming them? Or is the risk in that, at a very formative time in their lives, they pretended to be a pack of wolves? And so they became it. It seems as if it cannot be unmade.

And Shauna replies with another Vonnegut quote, from a novel i HAVE read: “And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep.”

So Slaughterhouse-Five is about war, and trauma, and particularly the effects of war and trauma on children. I’m really really collapsing the book in on itself, which is a good book, a great book, even if it is one of those books someone reads when they’re fucking seventeen and thinks that’s pretty much it--HOLD ON YES THAT IS THE POINT TOO.

Shauna is smart, but is she just, seventeen smart? Is this response just another of the ways in which Shauna is trapped in the moment of the crash? In the aftermath? Amazing.

Anyway, that quote is early on in the book and for me, though, I last read it probably a decade ago, comes to tie together the notion of time, and how time is like standing in a field of wildflowers, and you could never gather them all, and if you did, it would never be like seeing that field, and that is part of the beauty of human existence, is we can only keep so much of each moment. The present is all around us, and beyond us, and so little of it can stay.

Now, I don’t know if the writers/shauna are seeing it the same way, but her response is doing two things: On a chracter level it’s establishing relationship between her and Adam. She feels CLOSENESS with him, being so equally affected by the same author to offer up a quote in reply. Two, it does, in some way, reply to his quote. If I were going to smack at that pitch, I would say it’s saying, “Don’t pretend to be fine with things, or you’ll become fine with them.” “My present is a fucking marianas trench of complication and even I am not sure what is me anymore.”

And then Adam asks a question I fucking LOVE about confirming a suspicion: “And once you do, will it make you happier?” I think about this a lot. DO people want the truth? I don’t think they do this has not been my observation of human nature. That’s not even a criticism, I don’t even always want the truth, sometimes I would prefer a half-truth or concealment or even a full on lie. I am a very big fan of being honest with ourselves, of being candid. Don’t seek answers you don’t want.

And she says no. And he says ‘You’re beautiful when you’re honest”

And I’m trapped between thinking that Shauna is never honest, not even now, and thinking that Shauna doesn’t even know what it means to be honest, because she is still emotionally processing something that happened to her so long ago that it’s a memory suitable for commemorative coins. Both come to the same end, but they FEEL different to me.

[angelbluediary]

Lots to say about the new job; overall I like it and feel myself starting to fit in but I am in so much pain right now it overrides everything else. Three days of being on my feet all day in shoes without support and I feel embarrassingly broken. I felt it setting in yesterday, woke up feeling fine today. 8 hours after arriving, I was practically hobbling out the door. I sat down for maybe 10, 15 minutes tops today. All day. Just like I didn’t have a proper orientation, nobody has talked to me about taking breaks and even if I try to appoint myself one, I’m basically in the general manager’s office with him and everyone else walking in and out and in and out and in and out bearing down right on top of me in that one chair at the office entrance, which usually has other people’s shit in it anyway.

It’s crazy.

I’ve used my mom’s foot massage device and gave myself a really good one with plenty of lotion, retired to bed as soon as I could. Found blood between my toes from a blister that formed and burst in the same day, but my heels and soles are what really are killing me. I don’t think my feet have ever hurt so badly.

Well, I learned my lesson. Luckily I’m off tomorrow, and I refuse to go out anywhere, but I’m back to work Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Not enough time for an Amazon package with shoes I find on any “most comfortable flight attendant shoes” list and hope to god make a difference. I feel like I need two weeks to recover from this, dear god I hope the pain goes away overnight.

General manager had a jerky and dismissive reaction to me enthusiastically saying I felt good about my job. I was literally like “I know it’s still early on and I’ve got a lot to learn but already I feel myself catching on and things are making sense to me, I feel really good about being here.” And his response was “I mean yeah, if I’d had three days back to back at front desk… it’s pretty easy work.” What the actual fuck? They THREW me into this instantly and I just had to swim for dear life with a positive attitude so why does he get to talk down to me like that! The fuck! The other desk attendant, who’s been there about a month now, said that he had an actual orientation and just shadowed everyone for the first week or so. I was answering phones and checking people in before I’d even been given a chance to look through my goddamn mess of an orientation packet (that is filled with contradicting messages and systems/features used at different establishments).

Don’t even get me started on the dress code run around. So disorganized, so much misinformation or half-information or only scraps of information at a time. Just tell me what to expect from the beginning! Why tell me I’ll have a uniform during my interview when that’s a lie? Why wait until I show up in street clothes on my first day to tell me what I need to get? Why wait until I drop my first day’s paycheck on the clothes you JUST told me I needed if you were changing the “vision” of what the front desk attendants are going to wear, rendering my purchases useless!

So fuck it, I’m going to buy FUNCTIONAL shoes that will go with dress pants and blouses and nobody can tell me not to wear them. Not anytime soon at least. That’s where I draw the line because I am NOT fucking up my body for a job that doesn’t care if I run myself into a hospital bed.

And I’ve been on my feet all day for a job before! In nearly decade-old vans with no sole support. Almost never being able to slide into a chair. But this? This is on a WHOLE other level.

[ghostreviewer]

Maxton Hall Series by Mona Kasten

5/5 ⭐️

CW: spoilers, mentions of stroke leading to parental death, near drowning, and abusive parents

OMG I LOVE THIS SHOW!! I know I haven’t reviewed any shows yet (welcome to the first) but I just finished this last night and at was so good? Like, I got attached after 2 episodes! It’s a German TV show based of a book series (also in German) so I watched it in German with English subtitles. Whole reason I even found this show is because I’m doing an exchange right now and am in Germany and my friends host family introduced it to me and then me and my person watched it. Anyway, should probably actually start the review and not just ramble about how I found it. (It’s on Prime Video btw and season 2 is already in the making)

Anyway, haha, I seriously loved this show. It’s rivals to lovers and James (MMC) was a dick at the beginning to Ruby (FMC) but than they fell in love and it was so cute. It’s rich boy poor girl and it’s just, aaaaah I love it. Ruby‘s family is so cute and they have such a great relationship with each other and it’s just amazing. James‘ family, on the other hand, isn’t that great. He has his sister Lydia and they and so close it’s amazing. Ruby accidentally catches Lydia with one of their teachers (Graham [the first same of the teacher] and Lydia started dating before he got the job at the school and than once they realized it they broke up and the scene Ruby walked in on was as Lydia says “a relapse”) and James is ready to pay so much money to keep Ruby from telling anybody but Ruby was like, no thanks, and turned down I think 5 million Euros. It was insane I love Ruby. And she doesn’t even tell anybody at all. James thought she told somebody and ruined the welcome party Ruby planned (dick move right there) and then they’re forced to work together on a different one.

And they learn so much about each other it’s insane. And they learn to care for each other and just aaaaah it’s so cute. Ruby’s dad is paralyzed from an accident with a boat trying to save Ruby from drowning and then at a party some kids push Ruby into a pool and she obviously starts freaking out and James saves her (!) and Carey’s her bridal style out of the party and she cry’s and explains everything in the car and it’s so cute. That scene was by far one of my favourites. And then they have the gala where James is supposed to be at a press conference but him and Lydia try a twin swap but it fails and holy hell their dad is pissed and he literally smacks James across the face. I hate their dad so much like, I can’t even put it into words.

Backtracking a little bit, one of the goals of the party was to get the principal of the school to write Ruby a letter of recommendation to Oxford because a letter of rec from him would be insanely valuable. So a lot of what’s going on in this show is working their way to Oxford. And when she gets accepted and goes to the school for the interview process it’s so cute but also heartbreaking because while Ruby and James were dating, James’ dad threatened to ruin Ruby’s family if James continued to talk with her so they broke up. Have I mentioned I hate his dad? Anyway, so then they see each other again because their dorms are right across from each other and it’s so cute. And Ruby does so well in her interviews and the two make up and it’s amazing. We also found out that Lydia is pregnant with Grahams kid and omg was that unexpected but also she loves Graham so much and already loves the baby’s and she’s grown so much from the start of the series and I’m so happy for her. But then it’s back at the houses. Ruby is celebrating with her family and it’s so cute and I love them all so much. But James and Lydia are not having that great of a time.

The ride back was quiet, probably expected but we got the like, forwarning music and knew something was up. Especially because Lydia had just tried to call her mom to tell her about the pregnancy and it went straight to voicemail. So they get home and their dad tells them to sit down, Lydia does but James doesn’t. Then he tells them their mom had a stroke and died and it’s was so heart breaking because while she had her major expectations she was still better than the dad and just I’m so mad that they killed her. And then James just shoots up and starts hitting his dad and I’m sitting here like, oh yeah this is so deserved I wish it was him that died and not the mom. And then he goes and sees Ruby and her family being all happy and it just hits you in the feels and then the season ENDS. It’s like, excuse me I was still watching this give me my baby’s back.

It was such a great show and I loved it so much. 100% would recommend to anybody who loves romance shows and rivals to lovers and just, literally anybody honestly I loved it. 5/5 best thing I’ve seen in a hot minute.