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lucystark12 · 9 months ago

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what am i doing to cope with the byler drought? reading richard siken and pointing out all of the byler coded things, of course!

this is mike in reference to fighting with will- hence “it isn’t over.” i’d imagine this being a thought of his after they fight next season about halfway in between still being mad at will and realizing why he cares that will lied about the painting.

“green yellow, green blue” could this be more on the nose? hello? this is how their both always going to be tired together, and the line “it’s green. it’s still green” is the poetry equivalent of the classic wattpad “it’s you. it’s always been you.”

i’m sure if you are a literature queen who was on byler tiktok in 2022 you’d recognize this passage (aka the reason i bought this book in the first place). this might be the most “you’re the heart” scene coded thing i’ve ever seen. this could be interpreted from both of their perspectives-

mike: he’s listening to will confess his love to him under the pretense of it being el’s feelings. “he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you.” it’s up to interpretation whether or not this confession from will elicited any kind of feeling from mike, but if it did, that next line about him feeling like he did something terrible is SO spot on. in the next line, it talks about choking down the feeling. SO mike coded. hello? the last line is mike kinda having an “oh” moment.

will: mike obviously won’t tell will that he loves him. then we have will giving this entire monologue about feeling like a mistake, aka having done something horrible like siken describes. will is quite literally trying not to tell mike he loves him by pretending to be speaking from el’s point of view.

also, the line “like a prayer for which no words exist” churchgate who?

in this one i see a bit of will in the upside down. the first bit of it draws comparison to the fantastical nature of their d&d campaigns, with the line about the princess “just getting to be a princess” reminiscent of el being able to love mike freely without having to worry about the scrutiny from the people around them. will is having to cope with the weight of his feeling towards mike while mike gets to be the hero- he gets to “have it all”- love and be loved freely.

below that is will in california, where he’s essentially having a tolerate it by taylor swift moment. we had this heartfelt goodbye, and now i haven’t heard from you for months? what happened? do you even care about me?

now, “inside your head, you hear a phone ringing, and when you open your eyes, only a clearing with a deer in it. hello deer.” obviously mike spent the better part of the time between season 3 and 4 trying to reach will via phone but wasn’t able to, likely because of vecna messing with time or even the phones themselves. mike in his head thinks he’s hearing a phone ring, aka will, but it turns out to just be “a deer” which i am going to take very out of context and use to say “a dear” aka a letter from el. “hello dear”- which serves to say- okay, you’re hear, cool, but you aren’t what i asked for.

below that is will and vecna presumably in season four as vecna is construing every memory will has with mike and will is forced to remind himself of how mike truly is and make a mock up of him to save himself from vecna.

this one literally has a margin note from the first time i read it in 2023 when i wasn’t even in a stranger things phase. this one is obviously mike arriving in california and seeing will- he’s frightened, he’s realizing “wait, maybe this is real now.” we even get will’s drawings mentioned.

“this doesn’t look that much different from home” is because will is there, and will is his home. “the black sky and all those lights” presumably references a movie set which i am interpreting as somewhere were everything is formulaic. mike having to use “the power of love” to save el in a literal formulaic movie trope, even though he DOESNT LOVE HER. this isn’t home, this isn’t where he can be himself with will, this is where society expects him to conform and put on an act.

“where we pulled the bodies out of the lake and dressed them in warm clothes again” feels very much like reviving a deceased person. and where was will’s body discovered? A LAKE. this is a young mike having a dream of finding will safe and happy and coping with will’s presumed death. “how it was late” it was nighttime.

“it’s not like a tree where the roots have to end somewhere” reads to me a bit like a person’s life, mike interpreting this “dream” of his where will comes home safely as a continuation to something. where there doesn’t have to be an end to his and will’s story.

“policeman’s radio” hopper mentioned

the bottom of that reads to me as will and mike during season for OR after their happy ending, with this whole poem being mike recounting his grief over losing will in a love confession type monologue.

anyways!! that was really fun

#byler nation #stranger things #byler #mike wheeler #will byers #byler is endgame #stranger things 4 #byler brainrot #richard siken #poetry

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nobodysdaydreams · 1 year ago

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NEVER! /lh /affectionate

Well Sophie, it's the end of an era. First of all: THANK YOU. SOS would probably not have gotten finished without your encouragement and support so everyone please give Sophie a big thank you.

As for sequels, I'm sorry but outline is the WORST and there is a lot of plot to keep track of and remember. It's really a complicated puzzle game of where I want to put all my one shots as I weave them together. But if I ever get it together... man do I have some fun stuff to show you guys.

Now, onto your amazing notes!

Mamma Mia fills you with doom? It's a very cheerful song!

"Poor Nerissa. She’s trying so hard and she’s doing so much worse than Nathaniel"

^Worse? I mean, she kidnapped a family member, but she never tried to take over the world. So...she's got that going for her! :)

"SQ choosing not to eat all of the food is such a small defiance, but such a great one. It’s a really clever way to show how he feels about the situation And, of course, the terrible singing and dancing is what convinces SQ. I want to see all of the Benedict siblings dance now"

^I'm glad you liked that choice! And trust me...it's quite a lot to see them all dancing and singing together.

"I love that “She borrowed the identity of an old artist friend she hadn’t seen or spoken to in years and used her psychic powers to convince the hiring committee at a major university to let her teach an art history class and make the class a mandatory requirement for all incoming art majors and have it fulfill the school’s general education fine arts requirement (just in case her nephew decided to change majors)” is a single sentence. It just adds to the single-breath, maniacal rambling feel of Nerissa’s inner monologue"

^Her inner monologue really is a cheerful ramble. Well, most of the time...

"Oh, Nerissa. You can’t just tell people everything they do is perfect. That’s not how a relationship grows, or even functions. The lack of self-awareness in her perspective is both gorgeously written and utterly heartbreaking. She probably hasn’t had a single person in her life to learn healthy coping mechanisms or relationships from. I never thought you’d show us someone who was worse than Natheniel, but she’s giving him a run for his money"

^Nerissa is complicated. I don't wanna spoil too much, but she does have (1) positive relationship in her life, but it takes a lot of compartmentalization for her to achieve that. This is mostly due to the fact that while she had some very unhealthy role models in her life, she had some positive ones too (that are sadly no longer around), but she draws a lot from both of those sources.

"I still can’t get over how you keep throwing in references to “the magic of ABBA”, it makes me stop and laugh every time. Dangit, Bods, I’m trying to be serious! /lh"

^The wonderful Crangst (Crack/Angst) strikes again!

““That was acting, dear, it’s not the same as lying,” Nerissa informed him calmly” NERISSA / SOMEONE HELP THIS WOMAN PLEASE TAKE HER TO THERAPY A COUNSELLOR JUST EVEN A REGULAR OLD PERSON SHE CAN TALK TO AND LEARN MORALS FROM /Oh, I just want to give her the biggest hug, even though she’d probably hate it and zap me with her psychic powers

^I'm so glad you love Nerissa. I'm nervous whenever I introduce a new plot point or character or OC, and I'm so happy she's going over well. But you are wrong about her here. She would love your hug. She just won't feel comfortable giving you one. You'll understand why later. :)

"Nerissa is just as scared as Nathaniel, probably more so because she has a somewhat(?) concrete concept of the Bad Thing she’s scared of in a way he doesn’t / I wish she didn’t have to be so afraid, it makes me so sad…"

^Me too. And only I know why, which is why I really hope I can get it together to write sequels.

"SHE’S SO SHOCKED. SHE REALLY DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON AND WHY SQ’S UPSET. GRRRRRRRR I WISH I COULD MAGICALLY BE A PART OF THE STORY AND MEDIATE FOR THEM"

^Shall I write you into the story as the family therapist? /lh /j

"Violet mention!!! Violet mention!!!"

^I do look forward to dropping lore on this...

I appreciate the phrasing of “they catered to (for lack of a better or more appropriate terminology in SQ’s vocabulary and experience) “addicts and crazy people””

^Thank you. I wanted to strongly and clearly hint at Garrison and the fact that Nerissa has serious issues without SQ sounding judgmental or ableist. This seemed like the best way to do it.

"Now, I have to admit, I was completely blindsided by the Psychic SQ bit. I don’t know how I missed it, but I about exploded when I reached this part"

^It's okay. I'm weaving like 50 plot lines and twists together, you couldn't possibly catch every single one. I'm sorry, it's just something my brain does.

"I’m getting really concerned about this… “facility” and how it operated / These voices are so scary, I can see how she’s overwhelmed and confused. That would petrify me"

^Trust me. If I am able to write ALL my planned (but not outlined) SOS sequels, there will be an entire fic dedicated to the facility.

"See, you keep having Nerissa do these crazy things that are hurting other people but then she just feels like a scared child who’s lashing out irrationally because there’s no one there to help her. I’m not saying I’m upset; it’s phenomenal writing. It just makes me sad"

^A scared child is the perfect way to describe her.

"And of course, SQ has a completely different context for what’s going on / He’s just feeling completely betrayed by, like, every adult ever /Poor kiddo" /“He supposed his inability to stop caring was always going to be his most troublesome quality”

^That's what I love about SQ. He has every reason to be angry, to feel betrayed, to not forgive, to be bitter, and yet he still cares. He views it as a weakness, but its not. He's the best.

SCREAMING CRYING WAILING / Your carpet tacks are MINE

^If that's the price I pay for reactions like this, it's a price I'll gladly pay!

"I have SO MANY questions about why the code was 1-2-3-4. Was she oversimplifying it because she figured everyone else would overthink it? Was she trying to teach SQ how to use his intuition to guess something easy? Did she forget to change the default when she bought it from her evil lockmaker? SO MANY QUESTIONS"

^Ah yes. The room. The code being simple is one thing, but ask yourself this Sophie: why is the lock on the inside of the door in the first place? Now there's the real question.

I feel like maybe the buzzing was supposed to protect SQ from whatever Nerissa had going on? I’m not sure, but I’m very curious

^Alright, now you're starting to get it... :)

And he’s scared! Of course he’s scared, but he doesn’t have anyone to help or comfort him. And he’s still just a kid :(

^SQ is 18 (technically). He's young and sheltered, but he's legally an adult.

“No…this had to be some sort of mistake…this…this couldn’t be because of her!” / I am thinking there is something else going on here. I don’t know what, you probably have the proper psychology words for it, Bods, but there’s a distinct reason she’s reacting this way. Maybe denial? Like, grief?

^I mean...idk if it was clear enough in the text but um... Nerissa has done something like this before...(you can DM me on discord if you have further questions)

Secret doors! They all have a thing about hidden passageways, don’t they? / WHOO

^Indeed they do. The Benedict siblings are sort of enemies, very traumatized, but sometimes you just look at the things they do and realize "my gosh they really are siblings aren't they"

Time for the next chapter, which I have not read yet!! I’m really excited / Like. You would not BELIEVE how much I have been looking forward to this

^And you would not believe how much I have been looking forward to your reaction!!!! :)

How long have they been playing to have completed one hundred and eighty-four games of chess? Is Crawlings just really, really bad at chess?

^Crawlings is horrible and Sharp is really good. In my fic, Sharp is basically if Sticky grew into a super toxic adult.

Oh no. I remember the meme about this. How could you use the white knight lesson with the Ten Men???? GAH! Jail, jail for Bods for one thousand years!!! /j

^Jail? Oh no. NOT JAIL! Sophie, please. I follow the law. I just did my taxes. I'm a good citizen. Don't send me to the hole! /lh /j

I actually made the stupidest little laugh sound when I read Sharpe implying that Crawlings has an imaginary girlfriend. That’s such goofy, juvenile humour. What are they doing ajsdgjhsd? /I guess if all their games are that fast I could see how they’ve played that many already

^Yeah they do go pretty fast. And they are pretty juvenile.

WAIT. WAIT, DID KATE’S MOM USED TO BE AN AGENT TOO?? BODS GET BACK HERE I DEMAND ANSWERS

^Okay. Yes she was. No, Curtain didn't know about it. Yes, the Wetheralls took vacation time on his dime to go on secret missions (since he was their friend he gave them generous employee benefits). Reread the text if you want to speculate on some more stuff :)

““To meet a higher caliber of women?” suggested Sharpe, looking up at the screen at Dipika” / Actually, kind of funny. Still want to punch him, though

^Don't worry, he gets punched a lot.

BITING BITING BITING / I HAVE NO NOTES / I AM OUT OF NOTES / I AM JUST FERAL AND ON THE GROUND / ASGHHHGHSUUASDGUDJKGJKGSDJDSGJJSKDKSDGKJHSDKJ / BODS, you GENIUS. You MASTERMIND, you VILLAIN. /I HAVE SO MUCH MORE I WANT TO KNOW!!!!!

^AND I HAVE SO MUCH MORE I WANT TO SHOW YOU BUT MY STUPID BRAIN WON'T COOPERATE BUT IF IT DOES BOY OH BOY ARE YOU IN FOR A RIDE LET ME TELL YOU

I mean, spectacular job, as always. You are really just so talented at writing, and I love that I get to read your work. Thank you so very much for sharing it. I am now going to go lay down and let the grass consume me. Farewell.

^And I am going to look over my fic drafts because these motivate me to write so much. Thank you a million times over my friend. You are the best!

@nobodysdaydreams GET OVER HERE AND ANSWER FOR YOUR CRIMES

The lyrics filled me with such a sense of impending doom asdfjdsfj

Poor Nerissa. She’s trying so hard and she’s doing so much worse than Nathaniel

SQ choosing not to eat all of the food is such a small defiance, but such a great one. It’s a really clever way to show how he feels about the situation

And, of course, the terrible singing and dancing is what convinces SQ. I want to see all of the Benedict siblings dance now

I love that “She borrowed the identity of an old artist friend she hadn’t seen or spoken to in years and used her psychic powers to convince the hiring committee at a major university to let her teach an art history class and make the class a mandatory requirement for all incoming art majors and have it fulfill the school’s general education fine arts requirement (just in case her nephew decided to change majors)” is a single sentence. It just adds to the single-breath, maniacal rambling feel of Nerissa’s inner monologue

Devin /derogatory

Oh, Nerissa. You can’t just tell people everything they do is perfect. That’s not how a relationship grows, or even functions. The lack of self-awareness in her perspective is both gorgeously written and utterly heartbreaking. She probably hasn’t had a single person in her life to learn healthy coping mechanisms or relationships from. I never thought you’d show us someone who was worse than Natheniel, but she’s giving him a run for his money

I still can’t get over how you keep throwing in references to “the magic of ABBA”, it makes me stop and laugh every time. Dangit, Bods, I’m trying to be serious! /lh

““That was acting, dear, it’s not the same as lying,” Nerissa informed him calmly”

NERISSA

SOMEONE HELP THIS WOMAN PLEASE TAKE HER TO THERAPY A COUNSELLOR JUST EVEN A REGULAR OLD PERSON SHE CAN TALK TO AND LEARN MORALS FROM

Oh, I just want to give her the biggest hug, even though she’d probably hate it and zap me with her psychic powers

Nerissa is just as scared as Nathaniel, probably more so because she has a somewhat(?) concrete concept of the Bad Thing she’s scared of in a way he doesn’t

I wish she didn’t have to be so afraid, it makes me so sad…

SHE’S SO SHOCKED. SHE REALLY DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON AND WHY SQ’S UPSET. GRRRRRRRR I WISH I COULD MAGICALLY BE A PART OF THE STORY AND MEDIATE FOR THEM

Violet mention!!! Violet mention!!!

I appreciate the phrasing of “they catered to (for lack of a better or more appropriate terminology in SQ’s vocabulary and experience) “addicts and crazy people””

Now, I have to admit, I was completely blindsided by the Psychic SQ bit. I don’t know how I missed it, but I about exploded when I reached this part

I’m getting really concerned about this… “facility” and how it operated

These voices are so scary, I can see how she’s overwhelmed and confused. That would petrify me

See, you keep having Nerissa do these crazy things that are hurting other people but then she just feels like a scared child who’s lashing out irrationally because there’s no one there to help her. I’m not saying I’m upset; it’s phenomenal writing. It just makes me sad

And of course, SQ has a completely different context for what’s going on

He’s just feeling completely betrayed by, like, every adult ever

Poor kiddo

“He supposed his inability to stop caring was always going to be his most troublesome quality”

SCREAMING CRYING WAILING

Your carpet tacks are MINE

I have SO MANY questions about why the code was 1-2-3-4. Was she oversimplifying it because she figured everyone else would overthink it? Was she trying to teach SQ how to use his intuition to guess something easy? Did she forget to change the default when she bought it from her evil lockmaker? SO MANY QUESTIONS

I feel like maybe the buzzing was supposed to protect SQ from whatever Nerissa had going on? I’m not sure, but I’m very curious

And he’s scared! Of course he’s scared, but he doesn’t have anyone to help or comfort him. And he’s still just a kid :(

“No…this had to be some sort of mistake…this…this couldn’t be because of her!”

I am thinking there is something else going on here. I don’t know what, you probably have the proper psychology words for it, Bods, but there’s a distinct reason she’s reacting this way. Maybe denial? Like, grief?

Secret doors! They all have a thing about hidden passageways, don’t they?

WHOO

Time for the next chapter, which I have not read yet!! I’m really excited

Like. You would not BELIEVE how much I have been looking forward to this

How long have they been playing to have completed one hundred and eighty-four games of chess? Is Crawlings just really, really bad at chess?

Oh no. I remember the meme about this. How could you use the white knight lesson with the Ten Men???? GAH! Jail, jail for Bods for one thousand years!!! /j

I actually made the stupidest little laugh sound when I read Sharpe implying that Crawlings has an imaginary girlfriend. That’s such goofy, juvenile humour. What are they doing ajsdgjhsd?

I guess if all their games are that fast I could see how they’ve played that many already

WAIT. WAIT, DID KATE’S MOM USED TO BE AN AGENT TOO?? BODS GET BACK HERE I DEMAND ANSWERS

““To meet a higher caliber of women?” suggested Sharpe, looking up at the screen at Dipika”

Actually, kind of funny. Still want to punch him, though

BITING BITING BITING

I HAVE NO NOTES

I AM OUT OF NOTES

I AM JUST FERAL AND ON THE GROUND

ASGHHHGHSUUASDGUDJKGJKGSDJDSGJJSKDKSDGKJHSDKJ

BODS, you GENIUS. You MASTERMIND, you VILLAIN.

I HAVE SO MUCH MORE I WANT TO KNOW!!!!!

#mbs sos #tmbs #sos

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cripple-punk-dad · 3 years ago

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“Loss of use”

‘Loss of use’ refers to when a disabled person ‘loses value’ in the eyes of society and therefore loses the right to live in the eyes of society.

Because we live in a capitalist society (I’m going to be specifically referring to the united states in this post) that means that you only have value as much as you can provide labor or capital to that society. Whether that be through selling your body (Sex work, construction, sports, delivery, food industry, factory work, warehouse work, etc.), your intelligence (coding, inventing, technical writing, think tanks, etc.), or your creativity, (painting, drawing, sketching, creative writing, performing arts, music, etc.) The only way that we collectively assign value to ourselves and other people is our ability to provide labor. If you can’t provide labor, than what use do have to that society?

Well, if we look at current representation of disabled people in media, we get one or two answers, but the biggest is:

Inspiration porn. Inspiration porn is when a disabled person is shown to ‘triumph’ despite their disability. An example may be an autistic or autistic coded character ‘learning’ how to cope in an overwhelming situation and not just leaving the situation. Another example could be a paralyzed person forcing themselves to walk or abandon their mobility aids to accomplish something that could easily be accomplished by them just using their mobility aids. This is hugely problematic for a couple of reasons, a big one being that it encourages the mindset that disabled people are always inspiring and accomplishing amazing things despite their disability, which frames disability as something to beat and overcome rather than something that is normal and that people live with every day. It also reinforces the idea that most disabled people could ‘overcome’ their disability it they just tried hard enough, and that this must mean disabled people are lazy.

Disabled people don’t exist to inspire able-bodied people.

Disabled people aren’t lazy for existing.

So how does this related to ‘loss of use’?

Well, when disabled people can’t work, and aren’t inspiring able-bodied people (because lets be honest, having to put on an inspiring show for everyone around us all the damn time is fucking exhausting), then that means that, to a lot of people, we’ve lost our usefullness. That’s obviously not true, usefulness does NOT determine worth, disabled people are worthy of survival. Not only survival, but we deserve to be able to thrive.

I guess where this is coming from is: I’ve stopped inspiring the theatre community at school, and that means that people have lost all patience and sympathy and compassion for the fact that I simply can’t do everything that they need me to do. And it really fucking hurts. It hurts to find out that the biggest reason people ‘put up’ with me and my disability is because I was useful to them. And now that I’ve pushed myself to the literal breaking point (I’m bedbound and can barely stand without falling over), and I can’t do anything more for them, they’ve just discarded me like a piece of trash.

I’m not trash, I have worth not in spite of my disability, but because I’m a fucking human being.

#disability #disabled rants #disability rant #ableism #ableist media #tw ableist language #ableist society #anti-capitalism

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edwardelricsrightarm · 4 years ago

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"A lesson without pain is meaningless. For you cannot gain anything without sacrificing something else in return, but once you have overcome it and made it your own...you will gain an irreplaceable fullmetal heart." - Edward Elric

In honor of disability month and the FMA 20 year anniversary I wanted to address some Thoughts™️ about the series.

It's not often you see a disabled protagonist in media where their disability is integral to the story without taking up their entire character, even more so with anime. Yet, Fullmetal Alchemist has not just one disabled Protagonist, but two. The Elric Brothers are an exemplary representation of disability in media that I find myself reflecting on often as a disabled person myself. If you haven't completed the manga or Brotherhood, skip this as it will be brimming with spoilers.

(Mangahood will be my point of reference because while 03 is good on its own merits it's not as fresh within my immediate memory, and I am far less familiar with it. Keep this in mind, I've watched FMAB 10 and a half times whereas I've finished 03 only once years ago.)

The story highlights their disabilities immediately, Edward being a double amputee and Alphonse being without his ENTIRE body, only having the senses of proprioception, sight, and hearing left. Yet, despite this being key to the story and an integral part of their characterization, it is only one facet of their motivations and doesn't take center in the narrative, which is refreshing. It's not inherently negative to make a narrative centered on the characters' disabilities, but often this model of a story goes very wrong very fast and starts to feel hollow (no pun intended). FMA avoids this by making their disabilities a clear part of the plot and their motivations without allowing it to consume the entire story, so the Elric Brothers don't suffer the "my disability is all of my character" problem that many disabled characters are relegated to in a vast portion of media, all while being strong and competent.

Recap:

The brothers wished to revive their mother, but their good intentions cannot change the atrocity of their mistake, Truth makes this abundantly clear from the start. Edward loses his leg first, a punishment for "stepping" into God's shoes and transgressing the place of humans in their world. Alphonse loses his entire body, unable to feel any warmth or simple comforts like food and rest, when all he wanted was to feel the warmth and comfort of his mother's embrace again. At first, Alphonse's entire being is consumed by the gate, but Edward acts immediately, refusing to lose his little brother and refusing to allow his arrogance in this plan to cause his brother's death for only following his lead. Edward gives his right arm to have the gate give back Alphonse's soul, and stated clearly in his panic that he'd give his entire self to save Alphonse if that's what it would take, but Truth took his dominant arm only, showing something akin to mercy, although the character of Truth is capriciously strict and hard to describe as "merciful".

Through giving up his right arm, Edward regains his Right Hand Man, his little brother and best friend. His only remaining family, who he feels responsible for protecting in the absence of their parents. He felt immediately that he'd made a grave mistake, instantly full of regret as he realized the gate had taken his brother. In that moment he was willing to give anything to take it back and undo the suffering his arrogance caused his brother, yet Alphonse was still to suffer more to come. Ed tied Alphonse's disembodied soul to one of Hohenheim's collected suits of armor, managing to at least keep his brother alive in some way. One could say that Alphonse's punishment functioned as a secondary punishment for Edward, showing him how easily his hubris could have cost him what he has left in his obsession with regaining what they'd lost, their mother. A very clear symbolic reminder of the weight of his actions and how he'd misled his brother in his own naive ignorance. Even in giving another limb away to drag his brother's soul back out of the gate, he couldn't offer enough to bring him back intact. Thus is the law of equivalent exchange.

Now that we've reviewed some of that basic symbolism and the motifs the story draws upon with limbs and body parts in relation to characters, let's move on to each individual brother and break it down, shall we?

Edward Elric is a very realistic protagonist, this is one thing a majority of us familiar with this series can agree upon. He feels like a believable teen boy, with layers of complexity to his character while also showing arrogance and immaturity that is unsurprising at his age. He expresses unwillingness to kill and avoidance of unjust violence from the beginning, and has a strong moral code after the ordeal of committing the taboo.

In some characters his cocky personality would typically become grating, yet the story explains in itself why he is this way, then builds upon this to develop him into an incredibly mature character who is willing to admit when he's absolutely wrong and adapts to new information and context for the crisis unfolding around him as it comes, even if he remains crass. This arrogance is shown from the start to be a manifestation of insecurity, self loathing, and repressed guilt. Edward is a logic driven person, he has a very unique thought process, which is where my interpretation of him as autistic comes in. Edward's awkward social demeanor, somewhat abrasive and cold approach to some, and his trouble coping with nonsensical societal structures all stand out in this way. Furthermore he clearly shows hyperfixation, hyperactivity, special interest, and infodumping behaviors that are all too familiar. He's picky with food (*cough* the milk thing), has very little filter and speaks his mind bluntly even if this can warrant conflicting responses, yet at the same time struggles with vulnerable emotions, and he is frustrated when his own routine or itinerary are interrupted by forces beyond his control. All of these things Scream autism with comorbid ADHD. Many traits are shared between the brothers, and I'm quite certain they're both on the autism spectrum based on behavioral patterns. Neurodivergence aside, Edward's physical disabilities are undeniable.

Despite his bratty persona, Edward is fundamentally kind and uncharacteristically gentle and soft around the edges for a shonen protagonist in many ways. He cries openly on many occasions even if he struggles talking about his trauma and burdens in words at times, he feels pain, grief, and compassion so intensely it throws him into action on a regular basis in the narrative. In this way he's also a fantastic example of non-toxic masculinity (though in other ways he has displayed more toxic traits, he's just a kid). He acts on his heart, even if he's led by his mind and logic in most things. His humanity, value for life, and care for others will always win over his logic, and he shows a sense of personal responsibility for doing the right thing even if it harms him in the process. Ed is clearly shown having ghost pains in his lost limbs which is honestly an interesting detail to include, I don't think I've ever seen that aspect of amputation shown in media aside from FMA. It's also shown that when Ed's automail arm breaks this is a HUGE problem for him, but he's also shown to be very good at working around this in difficult circumstances. He doesn't become completely helpless, even if majorly weakened.

Alphonse is an extremely lovable and compassionate boy, brimming with altruism and care for others. Even in his noncorporeal state he pursues a better future and he's not helpless by any stretch. Edward clearly states Alphonse is the superior fighter for example, and it's not just because of his armor body being so large. He's *talented*, that's a fact. Al is every bit as clever and capable as Ed, moreso in some ways, and I love that about his character *because* he's so clearly disabled. He has no sense of pain, he is completely incapable of sleeping, he can't eat, can't relax or find comfort, he can only exist and think. This causes him to overthink in all his time alone, this is debilitating. He clearly is absolutely sick of the loneliness this causes, and he often feels helpless though he's not. He has doubts and fears that consume him in relation to his armor body, he questions his own personhood, even. Yet, Edward is stubborn and staunch in affirming that no matter what he's dealing with, he is fundamentally still a human being that is loved and irreplaceable. Alphonse is powerful and his body gives him some advantages, but it also sets him back, and the brothers know this even when others claim Alphonse's state is somehow a good thing. I have hEDS, a disability that comes with advantages as well as the major downsides, so I can understand and relate to Alphonse here. I too am told my disability is a boon because of flexibility and because I'm less likely to fracture bones, but I'm twice as likely to injure my ligaments and joints, which people ignore.

The brothers are both disabled, both flawed, both show weaknesses, but they are competent, determined, and strong in their own right. They are rounded characters that exist for more than to be pitied or condescended to by able bodied characters around them. They put their entire being in everything that they do no matter what that is, and they don't know the meaning of giving up. These traits that they're made of truly make them a shining example of disability in protagonists for others to look to for reference when writing their own disabled characters.

Even though by the end Edward has regained one limb and Al has regained his body, this also doesn't just deus ex machina reverse their disability or make it go away. It's clear that Alphonse's body is weak and has to be rehabilitated upon recovery, and Edward is still missing his leg and bears the scars and pieces of the port from his automail arm. They weren't suddenly made able bodied upon recovering these things, they reclaimed what was lost through struggle and grit, but the narrative didn't give the impression that their disability in itself was something to be fixed, which is important. They wanted to recover their bodies, but this doesn't erase the effects of their disability.

It was about Edward atoning for leading Alphonse into their mistake and saving his brother from suffering further, it was about them proving they can keep moving forward no matter what, not about getting rid of their disability in itself or putting themselves down because of the disabilities. This, to me, as a mentally and physically disabled viewer, is so important. They achieve their goal, but this doesn't in any way erase or undo the effects of their initial losses, they find ways to adapt and move on but they're still affected and still disabled. They always will be. That can be so important to see in comfort characters, and as a disabled individual who's had both brothers as comfort characters since I was a child, their impact on my own journey is surprisingly tangible for fiction.

#fmab #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fma #edward elric #alphonse elric #elric brothers #character analysis #disability month #disability positivity #disabled #fma 20th anniversary

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romioneficfest · 4 years ago

Text

Until the Very End

Title: Until the Very End

Prompt/Day: Shell Cottage, Day 9

Tumblr name:

Rating: T

Brief summary: Hermione and Ron find solace with each other in the days following Malfoy Manor.

Any possible triggering/warning tags: Depiction of nightmares, post trauma

Word count: 1,401

**********************************

"No, take me instead. Please, take me. Not him."

"Hermione…"

"Not him, please. No!"

"Hermione, wake up!"

Her eyes snap open, and she's covered in a cold sweat. At first, she's frantic from the hauntingly inexorable vision of Bellatrix and the bright green flames shooting from the tip of her wand straight into Ron's chest.

As Hermione's mind orients herself back to her own heart-pounding reality, she finds that she has momentarily forgotten where she is in her waking life.

Ron is there, holding onto her clammy hand, and he's clearly shaken by the disturbing sight of her struggling to return to actuality.

He’s alive. He’s okay.

Hermione's eyes flicker around the room, a wave of relief flooding through her as she realizes they're alone. It looks to be just before dawn, and the room is dark with a tint of light peeking in through the windows.

Her mind returns to the grotesque image of Bellatrix's dark, heavy-lidded eyes. The woman is truly demented — Hermione can still hear her cackling laughter in her head, and a sickening feeling bubbles in her stomach knowing that the monstrous witch has the ability to make her paranoid that the horror is still there, despite being safely tucked away at Shell Cottage.

Ron at the center of her nightmare is even more frightening for Hermione than what actually occurred at Malfoy Manor. It's a recurring dream on a perpetual loop that is just as dreadfully vivid and terrifying as the night before. Until now, she’s considered the pain awful but manageable, and she hasn’t felt the need to confront her demons.

Although Ron's stroking her hair in silence, waiting with admirable patience for her to speak, she doesn't want to admit to him that she's afraid for each day to end, knowing that she has to return back to sleep.

"Ron?"

He doesn't answer, only tightens his grip around her arms.

"You're here, you're here." She repeats her verbal mantra into the cotton of his shirt, more for herself than Ron, as a way to confirm that he is real and he is alive and he is okay.

"Don't be scared," he whispers words of encouragement in her ear. "I'm right here."

Tears well up into her eyes as she buries her face into the crook of his neck. She takes three steady breaths before lifting her head. Hermione can see the worry behind his eyes. "I didn't wake anyone else up, did I?"

Ron clears his throat and nods his head towards the door. "No. I, uh, placed a silencing charm on the door. Just in case…"

Hermione winces to herself. Ron’s been with her every night since they arrived at Shell Cottage, and she only just puts together that he’s probably charmed the door for every single one of those nights.

"Have you been sleeping on the chair?"

"Yeah,” he responds with a sheepish smile on his face. “My neck is all sorts of stiff but I couldn't…" His grin is gone just as fast, revealing the shadows behind his eyes. "I couldn't sleep without knowing where you were, or if you were safe."

Hermione’s heart swells up, and she doesn’t think it’s possible to...she shakes her head, forcing back those words she’s kept hidden in her heart. He’s so protective, and wonderful, and the nagging voice inside her head tries to make her believe that she doesn’t deserve him.

"Hermione...your nightmare.” Ron is looking down at their joined hands, and she watches his finger draw circles around each of her knuckles. “You said ‘take me instead. Not him.’ Can I ask...who was him?"

Although she wants to discuss every sinister and chaotic dream she’s had just about as much as she wants to show him the ghastly scar now branding her arm, she can’t leave him thinking that it was someone else.

"It was you, Ron.” His eyes meet hers with a fierce intensity, and she can see the confusion morphing into comprehension. Hermione draws in another shaky breath. “Bellatrix. She had a knife to your throat and—"

Hermione can’t bring herself to continue, instead finding herself reduced to soft, broken sobs as Ron pulls her close again.

"Shhh, it's okay. It was just a nightmare. I'm here. She doesn't have me. I'm here."

All at once, Hermione is overwhelmed with the realization that while she is now under protection, there was a time just a few days ago that she wasn’t, and there were others who had to cope with that fear.

"But it was real for you, wasn't it? When she had me."

Ron lifts up Hermione’s chin, meeting her gaze with a vulnerability that she has never seen from him before. He takes a moment to study her face, and he trails the pad of his thumb down her cheek before tracing the outline of her lips. The action takes her breath away, and she has zero doubt now that what he feels for her goes beyond the barrier of friendship.

When he speaks, his voice is hoarse, reminding her of how she heard him screaming her name from the cellar. "There are no words to describe — I've never felt so helpless, and scared, and enraged all at the same time. I know we're in the middle of a bloody war, and we're all fighting to stay alive. The probability of one of us having to use the killing curse…" His voice trails off, and Hermione can see the large lump in his throat that he tries to swallow it down.

"I've never imagined myself being someone who could kill.” He spits out the word with all of its vile intention. “But, Hermione. In that moment, seeing Bellatrix with a blade against your neck...” He pauses to place his finger against his throat then slowly clenches his fist together, like he’s reducing the blade to the same consistency as floo powder. Ron grits his teeth, and snarls out, “I wanted to kill her."

The arrhythmic beating in her chest speeds up, and Hermione’s eyes go blurry from the wetness pooling within them. Ron’s fingers travel down her arm, raising the small hairs on her skin along their path. He intertwines their hands together once more before speaking again.

"I just remember thinking, ‘this can't be it.’ This can't be — there's so much I want…” Ron lets out a frustrated breath. “I need to say to you."

A whimper escapes Hermione’s mouth, and she can see the rose-pink light of dawn filtering through the drapes, clearing away any remaining darkness. "You've just said it all."

"What?” Ron’s eyebrows knit together, looking puzzled by the way the smile creeps up her cheeks like the rising sun.

"You've told me everything, Ron. Without even having to say it. You've told me in the way you fought for me at Malfoy Manor. You've told me in the way that you've sat by my bedside every night since then. The way you've taken care of me, and the way you're looking at me now...I know."

The outpouring of love she has for the ginger-haired man next to her takes over, and without hesitation he’s crushing her to his chest, burying his wet face deep into her curls.

"Hermione.” Ron says her name like he never has before, and memories of their first meeting on the train to Hogwarts run through her mind, followed by a series of flashes of moments together over the years. It’s always been him, and now she sees that she’s always been it for him, too.

He’s crying now, and Hermione holds him in her unyielding arms as he rasps, "I will never leave you again."

She knows what he is referring to and she wants him to know that it’s okay — that whatever hardships they’ve faced in the past are now just faint bumps on a winding path to each other. What matters most is this moment right now, and she wouldn’t trade this moment for all the spell books in the world. "We're in this together. Until the very end, whenever that may be.”

Their foreheads meet, and Hermione finds comfort in the patch of freckles on Ron’s nose. They share a moment of stillness and peaceful solitude. The only sound is that of their synchronized breaths.

“Until the very end, and beyond that.”

#hpfic #romione ficfest 2021 #romione #ron weasley #hermione granger #Rated T #cw:#cw: trauma #Ace Safe #Queue up for the Dragon

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leejungchans · 4 years ago

Text

— dance with me?

word count: 1.7k

pairing: dino (svt) x ateez oc (juliet)

warning(s): none!!

genre: an overwhelming amount of fluff bc i love lee chan

set on february 11, 2021

summary: during a late-night date on dino’s birthday, he asks juliet a special question.

juliet’s masterlist

minnie 🐭❤️ [22:16] i’m heading down now!! (◕‿◕) don’t drive off without me please ur so sexc 😩😩

From where he is, parked a street down from the building where ATEEZ’s dorm is in, Chan shakes his head fondly, looking out the window from the driver’s seat for any sign of his girlfriend.

Sure enough, just a few minutes later, Juliet emerges from the building’s entrance, glancing down the mostly empty street before spotting the familiar car.

Under the light of the street lamps, he can see that she’s wearing a huge puffer jacket with a scarf wrapped around her neck, purple hair stuffed under her beanie to avoid catching the attention of prying eyes. With all the layers she has on, she reminds him of a waddling penguin as she speed-walks towards the car.

Cute.

Chan unlocks the door as Juliet approaches, her eyes smiling while she settles into the passenger’s seat before leaning over the console to hug him. “Happy birthday, Channie,” she beams, taking off her mask to nuzzle the bottom half of her face into the thick material of her scarf.

“You already said that,” Chan teases, also smiling as he watches her fumble with the seatbelt for a bit.

“That was from almost twelve hours ago at 12 am! I think it’s illegal if I didn’t wish you a happy birthday again,” Juliet protests. “Sorry for being late, by the way. Have you been waiting long?”

“It’s only a few minutes, don’t sweat it.”

“Okay, but there’s actually a good reason! I was about to leave the building when Mingi-oppa called me because I left your present on the table, and I had to go back up to grab it! So you have him to thank that you have a birthday present.”

Juliet takes out a small gift bag, its handles tied together with ribbon so he can’t look into it, and hands it to him with a sweet grin. “Don’t open it now, though,” she warns half-jokingly.

“What? Why?” Chan whines. “I can’t even open my own present on my birthday?”

“No, because if you open it now then I’ll have to explain the meaning behind your gift, and if I do that I might actually cry. There’s a card inside explaining it.”

“What if I want to hear it from you?”

“Then you can call me when you get home,” she responds cheekily.

Chan relents. “Fine, you win. But you didn’t have to get me anything, I hope you know that,” he adds the last part seriously.

Juliet smiles reassuringly. “I know, but I wanted to. I hope you’ll like it, though.”

“I know I will.” It’s at that moment when he finally gets a good look at her face, the light from the street lamps hitting it just enough for him to note the dark circles under her eyes. “You look tired, baby. Don’t get me wrong, you’re beautiful no matter what, but is everything okay?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah.” As though on cue, Juliet brings a hand up to cover her mouth as she yawns. “Just a little tired from comeback preparations and practising for Kingdom. I’ll be fine, though, don’t worry.”

“I’ll always worry about you,” Chan admits. “You shouldn’t have come so you can rest.”

Juliet frowns. “No, I wanted to see you. Plus, it’s your birthday.”

“Okay, but you have to promise that you’ll take care of yourself.”

“I always do!” A pause. “Okay, sometimes I don’t, but I’ll try,” she promises genuinely.

Chan smiles. “Good. Let’s go, then. Seatbelt on?”

“Mhm!”

“Um, where exactly are you taking me?” Juliet asks suspiciously, noting that they’re currently driving up a hill away from central Seoul.

“Patience, Minnie. You’ll find out soon,” Chan says with a mischievous smirk. “We’re almost there.”

She feigns an offended gasp. “I am always patient! I’m just asking because I’m too pretty to meet my end now.”

“If something happens, I’ll protect you.”

“Nice try, but don’t think I haven’t watched that episode of GOING SEVENTEEN with you guys in the haunted house,” Juliet teases with a raised brow. “If anything, we probably need to call Wonwoo-ssi or Minghao-ssi.”

Chan groans. “Can we not talk about my members when we’re on a date?”

This only earns a laugh from Juliet. “You’re cute when you’re jealous.”

“You’re going to tease me even on my birthday?”

“It’s how I show affection!” she defends while the car comes to a stop at the side of a dimly lit road. “Are we here?”

Upon his nod, she unbuckles her seatbelt to hop out the car, snow crunching under her boots. Immediately, harsh winds whip at her face and she shivers, the temperature even lower due to the higher elevation.

She hears a lighthearted tsk from behind her before feeling her jacket being draped over her shoulders. “You left it in the backseat, silly,” Chan says softly while he helps her into it, referring to when she took it off during the car ride. “You’re going to catch a cold.”

“No, I won’t. I have you to remind me,” Juliet says cheekily, earning herself a light flick on the forehead. She follows Chan to a clearing a few paces away from where they parked and immediately realises why he took her here.

Seoul, with its sparkling lights, is captivating at night when you’re in the heart of the city, but perhaps even more so when you’re looking at it from afar. She can’t help but admire the stark contrast between the tranquil hillside they’re at that compared to the vibrant city centre it overlooks.

“I sometimes come here with the members when we want to be away from... the loudness of it all,” Chan explains quietly as they move closer to the railing. “To think. Or just to take our mind off certain things.”

Juliet leans closer to his side to link their arms, her head coming to rest on his shoulder. “It’s beautiful. Thank you for bringing me here.”

“Don’t come to places like here often?”

She snorts. “I don’t just let anyone drive me to a dark hill in the middle of the night.”

Chan laughs, gently resting his head on hers. “You have a point. Does this mean I’m the only person allowed to take you here?”

“I’d like that. I also have a horrible sense of direction, so I don’t think I can remember the way here even if I tried.” Despite her quip, something in Juliet feels fuzzy and warm at the thought of this place being one only they know of.

It brings a sense of giddiness, the same one she felt when she was much, much younger; when she and her friends first decided on a secret hideout at their school back home in Sydney. Only this time, there’s more to it than just childhood innocence.

Juliet doesn’t know much about love. She’s had crushes here and there throughout her life, but none of them ever developed into something further. Of course, until she met Chan.

She doesn’t know much about love. But this feels like it.

And that’s more than enough for her.

His voice cuts through her thoughts. “I actually have something to ask you.”

At her hum, he continues.

“I was wondering if you’d want to be on Danceology. You know, like for a collaboration. We can choreograph and dance it together... anything you want, really.”

Juliet looks up at the boy with wide eyes, not knowing if she heard him correctly. “You’re sure?”

“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. Or you don’t have to decide now, I know you’re really busy these days. No pressure at all.”

“No, no,” she clarifies. “I meant if you’re sure you want to do one with me?”

The look in his eyes is so tender that she feels like crying. “I wouldn’t want anyone else.”

Something tells her he’s not only referring to Danceology.

Juliet leans her forehead on Chan’s shoulder to hide her face from him. “You’re going to make me cry on your own birthday,” she mutters.

“Is that a yes?”

She nods against him while blinking away the hot tears prickling at her eyes, feeling his lips press against her temple.

“That’s the best present you could’ve given me.”

“Yah, you can’t say that!” Juliet says, somehow finding it in her to crack a joke. What can she say? Humour is one of her many coping mechanisms. “You’re only supposed to say that if I didn’t give you anything! What does that make the gift I got you?”

“Best of the best?” At her laugh, Chan presses again, “am I still not allowed to open it?”

“No, you’re not.”

[00:05—Outside ATEEZ’s dorm]

“Okay, fine, you can open it.”

“What made you change your mind?” Chan grins, already reaching for the small bag in the backseat.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Juliet admits, smiling as she uses the dimmest setting of her phone’s flashlight to illuminate the dark interior, the overhead light being too risky to turn on at this hour lest they want to draw unwanted attention to themselves. “I guess I want to see your reaction.”

She stares quietly as he undos the ribbon tying the handles together before looking into the bag and taking out a small box. Despite her shyness and the sudden urge to jump out of the car and run back up to the dorm, Juliet continues to hold up her phone as he takes out the silver band within it.

It’s simple, minimalist, inconspicuous enough to wear during the day but at the same time uniquely his due to the custom engraving on the outside of the band. A snowflake.

She bites the inside of her cheek from nervousness as Chan silently reads the small card that came along in the bag, subconsciously tracing over her neat handwriting with his finger.

“Like a snowflake, I fell for you hahahaha (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) You asked me to be yours during the first snow of the year. I hope that is only the start of many more years to come. Happy Birthday, always be happy and healthy ❤️ And don’t forget to take care of yourself!! (♡`Д´) If you forget I’ll come over and nag you, but maybe you’d like that more than not ㅋㅋㅋ — 🐭❤️”

Chan’s eyes are glossy when he finally meets her curious and worried gaze, trying to gauge his reaction. He beams brightly.

“Told you I’d like it.”

find their collaboration here!! 😼

a/n: blessing you guys with this gif bc look at him go!! ;-; stream dino’s dancelogy to be sexcie 😼 pls don’t let juno flop </3 also i thought it’d be too mean if i didn’t tell you what the present was bc i definitely considered not saying anything about it 👀👀 anyways let me know what you think about this chapter 🥺 personally i am <///3 bc bwhehwhs i want what they have but also i’m not very good at writing fluff whjehdhw i cringe at myself sm when writing it 🤡

thank you so much for reading 💕 please do consider leaving feedback whether it’s a reblog, a reply or an ask, it would mean the absolute world to me as feedback really motivates and supports creators 🥺 and feel free to chat with me about juliet or anything else through my asks!! as always, take care and have a good day!!

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pandoras-princess · 4 years ago

Text

Next Best Thing (Tommy Shelby x fem!reader, John Shelby x fem!reader)

*gif not mine//credit to owner

A/N: Hello my lovelies! 🌸 Welcome to my first ever Peaky Blinders fic, I wrote it ages ago and have just edited it slightly so my apologies if the quality isn’t greaaat but the other parts will be better I promise! 😅 This is an AU fanfic where John never married Martha or had kids before he married Esme and there is no Grace for Tommy andddd the timeline is absolutely wack, I know it’s a lot so if you’re in the market for a traditional by the book Peaky Blinders fic this one is not for you I’m afraid 🤗 also if you’re finding it a bit slow I advise you to hang in there until after the time skip because that’s the better half of this part in my opinion, nevertheless I seriously enjoyed writing this so Happy Reading Peoples! 🥳🥳 as ever I appreciate every like, reblog and follow, feedback is forever welcome 😌

Summary: Being the bestfriend of Jonathan Shelby meant that you’d grown up attached at the hip. And considering you were hopelessly in love with him, life was eventful to say the least. With John marrying Esme you decide it’s high time you got over him. And as they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else...

Pairing: (OOC) Thomas Shelby x fem!reader, John Shelby x fem!reader

Warnings: Swearing, violence, smoking and drinking, mentions of addiction, mentions of sex but no smut I’m afraid

PART TWO PART THREE PART FOUR

━�� ♡ ◦━◦ ♡ ◦━◦━◦ ♡ ◦━◦ ♡ ◦━

Being John Shelby's best friend was definitely not an easy job.

You and John were the exact same age, born on the same day of the same month of the same year, precisely one hour and eleven minutes apart, and since your family only lived one house away from the Shelby's it was a given that you and John would grow up to be best friends.

You were as good as family to them, so when your father was killed in the war and your mother unable to cope turned to the drink and drugs, you were left officially orphaned at age 10 and Polly arranged for you to live with them, raising you as her own.

Growing up with the Shelby's came with it's challenges. They were all fiercely protective of you but no one more so than John. When you were kids he'd beat up anyone that dare made you cry, or sad or angry or anything other than happy really, and as you grew older and began to date he'd scare away anyone deemed not up to scratch, which seemed to be pretty much all of them, threatening violence known around Small Heath as common behaviour for the Peaky Blinders. This meant that you never really had a boyfriend, or many boys interested in you at all for that matter, and any who were rarely had the balls to act on it for fear of the Peaky Blinders wrath. However this didn't bother you much as there was only ever one boy you truly wanted interested in you, the one boy who never would be interested in you.

Of course being a teenage girl you'd had your silly crushes, Tommy being one of them. But they all paled in comparison to what you felt for John.

Being best friends meant that the two of you spent practically all of your time together, did everything together, went through and dealt with everything together. He had always been your shoulder to cry on, your ear to bend, your hugs and smiles and laughs, your safe place. It was inevitable that you'd fall for him. And fall for him you did, painfully obvious to everyone except John himself.

Shortly after your 16th birthday, you were reading a book by the fire, a woven blanket strewn across your legs and a steaming mug of hot chocolate warming your hands when John bursts into the house loud, drunk and jolly. He often snuck out to join his brothers in their shenanigans - whether it be business or pleasure - and you were all too happy to listen to his stories when he came home.

You watched John intently as he regaled to you his latest night out. You watched the corners of his mouth twitch ever so slightly as he spoke, a smug smile tracing his lips every so often. His eyes glistened from the whiskey and his lips were wet. A cigarette clasped lazily between his fingers, his eyes closed for a split second whenever he took a drag. Deep in admiration of the boy sitting in front of you, you didn't quite notice the change of events in the story.

"-and then she walked right up to me and kissed me!"

It was at that point that your attention snapped back, ears pricking up and heart racing as you go over what he'd just said. But too excited to wait, John didn't give you the chance to work out if you had misheard him.

"Well before I know it she's got me in the back alley dress hiked up going at me like a feral she was. Can ya believe it after all this time I'm finally a man aha!" John exclaims, a goofy, ear-splitting grin plastered on his face.

He spares any explicit details, knowing it was no way to talk with a lady no matter how close they are to you or how drunk you may happen to be. Nevertheless, upon hearing those final words coupled with the look of pure elation on his face, your heart shatters into millions of ice cold shards right before your eyes. The pain that was rapidly building in your chest and the image of John with some tart, skirt bunched around her waist fucking like dogs in the alley was too much for you to bear. A wave of nausea washes over you and you stand abruptly, dashing to the loo before the contents of your stomach emptied onto the carpet.

A few minutes later you hear faint knocks on the door.

“Ye alright in there love?” John asks, concern lacing his words.

“All good” you reply quickly, willing your voice to steady itself.

Wiping the sheen of sweat from your forehead you collapse into a heap against the wall, and a sigh escapes your lips as you wrack your brain for the exact moment you had lost him. While John had never shown any signs of liking you, you were always able to draw hope from the relationship you two had, no matter how blind it may have been. Now though, he had dashed that hope, blind or otherwise, as he had given himself to someone else. He had openly chosen not to be with you.

Not to be yours.

Fobbing John off with some excuse about a dodgy dinner you quickly retreat to bed, going without giving him a hug, unable to bring yourself to touch him. And from that day onwards you lived with the knowledge that your love was unrequited. You lived with loving him, and him not loving you.

For the most part it was rather easy. John wasn't the kind for serious relationships - preferring causal sex to the committed kind - so you never really had to deal with any girlfriends or the lark, just the occasional tart interested in him on the rare nights out you tagged along. Even then, you soon learned not to go on any nights out without Ava or Polly present and so the issue of John and his women quickly became dormant. That was, however, until John agreed to marry Esme Lee.

Tommy came to you before asking John, asking for your help in convincing him. He knew John would come to you with it asking for advice before deciding. Tommy explained his plan, marry John off to the Lee girl forcing them to squash the war and join forces to overthrow Billy Kimber. It was simple enough and since you'd already accepted there was never to be a you and John, you agreed.

The time came and sure enough John came to you, confused and somewhat annoyed at Tommy's rough handed approach, and sure enough you stayed true to your word, telling him it was nothing new, people had arranged marriages all the time.

So on he went to marry her, your true feelings unknown to the man.

[2 years later]

"You shouldn't be working here you know. John certainly wouldn't like it" Tommy said, a smile tugging at his lips as he watched you carefully wipe down the bar surface. He was referring to your new job as barmaid in the Garrison and having just finished your first shift you were cleaning up. Last orders had been and gone and every punter had now left the pub, drunk and merry on their ways.

After John married Esme you spent the next two years much to yourself. You embraced the spinster lifestyle and faded away into the passing days. However it was the turn of a new year and to everyone's joy you'd come to your senses, deciding it was high time you stopped wasting your life moping after John. He didn't love you - that much was clear - but somebody out there must and so it was time for you to move on, you thought. Reinvent yourself. This 'new you' started with marching into Tommy's office and demanding the new barmaid job. Surprisingly he offered no resistance, merely a quizzical look at your sudden determination before giving you the job. So here you were, your first shift done and nobody left in the place but you and your new boss.

"Well it might surprise you to know, Mr Shelby, but I don't abide my decisions by what John would or would not like me doing" you reply. Finishing up you leave the cloth on the bar and make your way over to the table, taking the chair adjacent to his.

"Is that so?" He asks, his piercing blue eyes meeting yours as he offers you a cigarette. You accept, bending down slightly to the offered flame and without breaking eye contact, you light the cigarette and take a drag, exhaling as you sit back up.

"Yes, Thomas, that is so" you reply, the use of his name making clear your exasperation with the questioning.

"Very well then, a toast-" he picks up the bottle of whiskey and pours some into each glass, placing one in front of you and taking one himself "-to your new job, and to your new found freedom" he says, locking eyes with you on his last words and clinking your glass before you both down it. If growing up with the Shelby's had taught you one thing it was how to hold your liquor.

Soon you and Tommy were halfway through the bottle and quite drunk, too caught up in the fun to notice. It was now something past 3 in the morning; you and Tommy had been talking, drinking and laughing for nigh on 3 hours now, going through old stories of your childhoods, stories from before you were born and from afterwards, stories of your parents and stories of his.

"So tell me, what is the meaning behind this sudden change in you then?" Tommy inquired, only too happy to see your old self back again.

Before you knew it the whiskey had gotten the better of you and you found yourself telling him the reason. You told him about John, about your love for him, about that night and about how you'd come to terms with it and decided to move on.

"Besides, it's not like he was the first boy I ever liked, so I'm quite sure he won't be the last" you state matter of factly, unaware of the storm you had just brewed.

See, unbeknown to you, Tommy was fully aware of everything you had just poured out to him. He knew about your love for John. He knew the deepest parts of your heart, your mind, your soul. Every crush and fling you'd ever experienced Tommy knew all about it, thanks to a little book you liked to keep hidden under your mattress. You had been detailing all matters of yourself in that little black journal for as long as you could write. Polly happily replacing it when you found your current one full, it was much easier than finding a shoulder to cry on every time you needed one. When Tommy came across it he had no idea what it was, merely out of curiosity did he open it and start reading.

"Oh, who was?" Tommy asked, lighting another cigarette. Following suit you decide to take a minute to weigh up your options, drinking in the smoke as you did.

"You” your voice remains deceptively steady, not wanting the man watching you so closely, so attentively, to become aware of the raging swarm of butterflies occupying your stomach.

"Is that so?" Tommy pulls on his own cigarette, the smoke rising from his lips as his eyes lock onto yours. "So what changed then?" His eyebrow arches perfectly, a smirk gracing his lips.

"You're 4 years older than me! There was no way you'd ever look at me as anything other than an annoying little sister!” You say in a chuckle, the fiery whiskey encompassing all of your thoughts in a humorous glow.

"And if I told you I do look at you as something other than an annoying little sister?" His eyes flick to your lips for a millisecond before returning to your own (E/C) orbs. If you’d have blinked you would’ve missed it, but your full attention being fixed on the man before you meant that you hadn’t.

"Well... that would certainly change things." The possibility of one of your fantasy's coming true ignited you to your very core.

Silently, Tom rises from his seat and offers his hand to you. You take it, and he leads you to his office with the worst of intentions in mind.

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grimmradiance · 5 years ago

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Close to Me: How the Hollow Knight's Fighting Style Reflects Their Trauma (and the Radiance's as well)

So I've been trying to actually beat the Radiance, which means I've been fighting the Hollow Knight. A lot, as a matter of fact, since I'm beans at this game sometimes. I've also been thinking about @lost-kinn's meta about how fighting styles are how Vessels, especially the Little Knight, communicate.

In trying to apply this to the Hollow Knight, I've been coming to some very interesting conclusions, especially taken in context of...Everything Else in the lore, and Everything Else implicated in this by the psychology of it.

There's a lot to cover here, and it tracks through a LOT of different places, including trauma psychology, the relationship between chronic stress and lifespan health, and shape symbolism. Two warnings first:

One: this essay is gonna get heavy. It includes fine-grained discussion of the Hollow Knight's trauma, including discussions of the real-life machanics of psychological abuse, as well as the Extremely Concerning Implications of them harming themself during their boss fight. please read with caution and when you're in a safe emotional place to do so.

Two: This post is not a place for justifying the Pale King. If you read this essay in its entirety and still want to do that, please make your own post; my relationship to the Hollow Knight themself is deeply rooted in my own experiences, so in the context of this discussion I can't promise I won't take it personally.

With that out of the way, let's talk trauma and fighting styles:

We know that the Hollow Knight is trained to be a paragon of fighting skill, through the Pure Vessel fight, and this gives us a fantastic way to compare what they were like before they were made Government Assigned Radiance Jail, and after. Or, in other words, we're given the perfect opportunity to see what the Radiance is doing (i.e. context effects), and what Hollow is (i.e. what we can conclude is reliably consistent as a part of them). Listed here, for reference:

Hollow's attacks:

Three slashes

A dash slash

A Radiant Shade Soul, which launches a volley of Infection blobs in arcs

A Radiant Desolate Dive, which produces pillars of entwined Void and Light at random intervals

The Infection bursting out of them in random arcs, covering a significant amount of the aerial space of the arena

The Radiance ragdolling their body around trying to hit the Knight

Contact damage from them stabbing themself and falling over atop you

The Pure Vessel's attacks:

Three slashes

A dash slash

A Pure Shade Soul, which launches a volley of nails in straight lines

A Pure Desolate Dive, which produces nails at specific intervals

A Pure Focus, which causes circular explosions across most of the aerial space in the arena

Lashing out with a Void Arm (word choice intentional)

I've highlighted attacks from each battle that are different, since those are our points of interest here. In addition, both the Pure Vessel and Hollow are exceedingly fond of teleport-spamming in a way that is usually reserved for a specific group of bosses.

Another very important distinction between these two fights: the Pure Vessel doesn't scream. Well, they certainly try to, but no sound comes out. No voice to cry suffering, after all. All of these points have a lot to go into, so let's address them one at a time.

All That Remains: Theoretical Background On The Significance Of Constants

Making comparisons across time is important specifically because humans (and human-like bugs) change. Most personality traits aren't set in stone--they exist as an interaction of someone's internal tendencies, their experiences, and their environment. Speaking of those last two points, not all experiences and environments are created equally. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs for short) are known to have lifelong implications for a child's health, both physically and mentally. These are events that are so stressful or stressful for so long that they exceed a child's ability to cope and become toxic stress (yes, that's the term in the literature, because it actively damages your organs). They compound, as well--the stress of one ACE makes it harder for a child to cope with another, especially if they overlap.

Some examples of ACEs? Being exposed to physical danger or the threat of physical danger, deprivation of normal social relationships with peers of a similar age, being forcibly seperated from family members, witnessing a loved one being hurt or killed, chronic illness in oneself or a family member, neglect of a child's emotional needs....

Poor fucking Holly. It's a miracle they didn't disintegrate under the pressure. The only other option is that they bent and adapted under that much stress--in other words, most of their personality has been forcibly reshaped by what they've gone through. Anyone who has up-close experience with parentification or complex child abuse already knows: this was by design. I'm not saying the intent was to traumatize the Pure Vessel past several points of no return, but the intent definitely was to reshape their personality for the purpose of being The Vessel. We only see them (the Pure Vessel) in battle after this process is mostly or entirely complete, but we do see them a few times beforehand. I'd like to draw attention to the Path of Pain cutscene right now.

I've seen people talking about the look the Vessel and the King share as a sign that TPK really does love his child. That might be true, but it's definitely not relevant when it comes to how abuse works. This is, in fact, exactly how the cycle of abuse uses affection as a tool. Long periods of abuse or neglect, smoothed over by small periods of affection that placate the survivor? That's textbook love bombing, the kind that forms stubborn trauma bonds and facilitates unhealthy dependency. Forgive me for not giving the Higher Being of knowledge and prescience the benefit of the doubt on that one. (/s)

Team Cherry knows about the importance of parallels and dissonance. There's a reason the music in the second phase of the Hollow Knight fight plays in the Path of Pain. There's a reason it cuts out the moment the battle with the Kingsmoulds is over, instead of at the room transition. There's a reason it doesn't cut out in the Black Egg. Actually, there's two potential reasons, which could also coexist: either little Hollow trusts the Pale King to keep them safe, even after the borderline torture that they were just subjected to, or big Hollow is so hypervigilant that they're in full functioning-through-trauma mode even while they're at death's door.

If you don't see how much the Pale King scarred his child at this point, I'm not sure we were playing the same game.

Walking the Straight Line: How the Pale King's Teachings Show In the Pure Vessel

The Pale King loves order and control. Everything about the White Palace and every decision we see him make implies this. Everything is spotless white walls and well-maintained gardens; the only signs of disorder are hidden away, either in his workshop or in The Pit™. This also reflects in the Pure Vessel's title--pure as in holy, but also pure as in without flaw. Considering the Nailsmith's emotional state after completing the Pure Nail, TPK's fate with his Perfect Controlled Kingdom, and the Godmaster ending as a whole, attaining perfection is not a good thing in any sense.

We know the Hollow Knight isn't perfect--that's the whole catalyst for the plot. But considering their upbringing and their fighting style as the Pure Vessel, their imperfections absolutely kill them emotionally. I'll spare the lecture on how perfectionism affects neurodivergent kids even more severely than neurotypical kids, if only to keep this post to a reasonable length (look up "twice-exceptional children" if you'd like to know the theory I'm glossing over in more depth). But, in essence, the deck is doubly stacked against them--they have a higher goal to reach, and far more obsctacles in their path, including their own emotional scars.

I've already discussed how Hollow isn't meant for this kind of stress in a physical sense in other posts. They're not prepared for it emotionally, either--the Pale King wants perfection, and they can't even stand up straight (every spoonie in the audience already knows how exhausting people's obsession with Standing Up Straight is). There's another page on their stack of emotional baggage, even BEFORE you consider that the Pure Vessel knows their perfection is what bought them a ticket out of the Abyss.

Bringing Teleportation To A Sword Fight: Where The Pure Vessel Reveals Their Fears

How else are they going to cope with that need for perfection, that need to prove themselves worthy of the reason their life was spared, by being flawless in any way they can? Being a mechanical, flawless fighter puts so much pressure on them, both literally (repetitive strain injuries fucking HURT) and figuratively--if you're predictable, the only sure way to win is to mop the floor with your opponents before they figure you out. Hell, that's the way most people play their first run of Hollow Knight, by throwing themselves at the bosses over and over until they figure out the patterns. That strategy is inherently going to fail against an opponent that's, say, an immortal higher being.

There's no way that the Vessel didn't figure this out, and yet none of their TPV specific attacks are positioned randomly--the nails are always evenly spaced, and the Focus explosions are always in a specific height region of the screen. That's clinging to survival strategies even when they become maladaptive in its purest form.

Another dip into psychological theory: let's talk about disorganized attachment. Attachment styles describe how someone's relationships to their main caregiver(s) influence their understanding on relationships in general. Disorganized attachment is a result of an upbringing of inherently unstable parent-child relationships, where there's no way of a child predicting whether an adult is going to be delighted to see them, ambivalent, upset, or otherwise. If my parent woke up some days saying "all right my child, time for the Infinite Buzzsaws Obstacle Course," I'd be the same way. In adulthood this manifests as an inability to form a stable sense of self-concept as well as concepts of others. Mission accomplished, TPK, there's no will to break if you broke it yourself.

This is where the fighting styles as communication comes in--Hollow needs to keep Ghost at a distance to fight, but also wants to be closer to their sibling (the only being who has a chance of understanding what they've been through), BUT also has a trauma-rooted fear of attaching to people, as their experiences with attachment are inherently unpredictable and dangerous. Hence, both the teleportation that doesn't seem to match their fighting style any more reliably than "aim at the thing attacking you" and the second attack unique to the Pure Vessel--they're quite literally lashing out in pain to push people away. There's a reason that attack is so reminiscent of the Thorns of Agony.

Of note is that Holly does seem to teleport like the bugs of the Soul Sanctum do (favoring the edges of a screen, rather than going wherever like Dream Warriors do), which makes sense--they're the most obvious answer to the question "how did they learn how to teleport, anyways?" However, Sanctum bugs have abilities designed to capitalize on this, like homing spells and slashes from above. I can only assume this means that someone saw Holly's proficiency with the nail and assumed it translated to other forms of combat, and didn't feel the need to give them at least a bit of a primer on how to make the best use of it. There's another tally for the Hollow Knight as an autism metaphor.

Trauma Bonds: How the Radiance Speaks Through Hollow

Now, we're back to the Black Egg, and two people stuck in the same sinking ship. The thing that makes this hurt so badly is that Holly and the Radiance are at complete cross purposes here, and yet they both want the same thing:

They both want out, no matter the cost. For the Radiance, this means forsaking the pacifistic nature of the moths and nuking Ghost personally.

For Hollow, this means forsaking the way they were raised and everything that was bludgeoned into their personality: the only way out is to fail, give up control, and trust that Ghost will do what needs to be done.

Imagine how much pain they're in to actually go for it. Going against a literal lifetime of conditioning is something that takes the average person years to even consider, let alone go through with. It's a form of learned helplessness--if you try to break free and fall, again and again, it actively discourages further attempts. Breaking through learned helplessness is an interesting process, because it generally involves re-establishing a sense of control by recalling previous events where the person was able to change their situation.

Which, as far as we know of, are nothing but traumatic memories for Hollow. It's very unlikely that they'd break through it on their own, but we know they have by the time we see the second phase of their fight. This is them at their most desperate: the same music as the Path of Pain, the way they let, or can't stop, the Radiance throw their body around, the way they actively try to let the Radiance out by stabbing themself.

You'd think that giving up and learned helplessness are inherently compatible, but when giving up both goes against your core personality, and involves your active participation, they're in direct opposition. So either Holly was able to process all their trauma by themself (which I doubt, judging by how much effort the player has to go through to even see Ghost's and Hollow's traumatic memories), or someone gave them a nudge or three in that direction.

Considering that there's been someone living in Holly's head who has a vested interest in them Not Doing Their Duty, I think we know who. And the thing is, I think we watch Hollow have this breakthrough during their battle. Imagine for the first time in decades, at least, you can move. You're in pain from being in the same position, probably hallucinating from sensory deprivation, with an infection sucking at what strength your body has left. And there's this little creature who looks ready to fight you, who seems to have let you go for that exact purpose.

And you look down, and both you and the Radiance recognize them from a place rooted deeper than consciousness, in the murky depths of trauma. You see the other Vessel who just as easily could have been you, and who looks so much stronger for not being you, for being an imperfect, willful creature. And the Radiance sees history threatening to repeat itself, another one of the Wyrm's cursed children seeking to lock her away once more.

What else do you do when you're triggered? You scream, and you go on instinct, and you retreat into your head. Those first blows, with the epic music? That's the Vessel the Pale King forged, the fighting machine that will endure unimaginable stress because it knows no other way. What snaps you back out of dissociation? Usually, either the passage of the triggering stimulus, or an even more relevant stimulus (severe pain from getting beaten up by a nail, for example).

The tragedy is this: we know this isn't a triumph. I think most of us went into that fight the first time, knowing we'd be putting the Hollow Knight out of their misery. The music turns tragic, Hollow screams, and then we see the Radiance and Hollow themself break through: the Radiance trying to fight Ghost directly with the resources she has, and Hollow trying to help her along.

For what it's worth, Hollow even had the right idea, when it came to letting themself rest while helping Ghost stop the madness their father started--they were just digging for the Radiance in the wrong place. The dynamic between the Radiance and the Hollow Knight is something I could write on for pages and pages, but this has gone on for long enough. Tune in next time, where I'll presumably talk about this same topic but in reverse with regards to the Radiance.

#hollow knight #hk #the pure vessel #the pale king #the radiance #my meta #the higher being speaks #i hate fact-checking my abuse infodumps because the ableism against personality disorders is EVERYWHERE #but here this monster of an essay is #anyways the hollow knight as a character sniped my trauma on sight #so i may be a tiny bit biased here But Also I'm Right #abuse //#child abuse //#emotional abuse //#i legit do not know what tags to throw on this #also the overarching title is a reference to the song of the same name from just shapes and beats because. yeah

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mandoalorian · 4 years ago

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Sugar and Spice [Maxwell Lord x Reader] - Chapter 11

Summary: When you are evicted from your apartment by your toxic ex boyfriend and have no place to go, who do you turn to? Alone in the city as the countdown to Christmas begins, you find yourself applying for a job as the assistant of the world’s biggest entrepreneur; Maxwell Lord. Little do you know, he has other intentions for you. No doubt about it, this Christmas will truly be like no other.

Word count: 1.5k

Warnings: Smut, mentions of a previous verbally abusive relationship, typical 80s misogyny (but very little of it), mentions of food and drink, alcohol consumption. This is a sugardaddy x sugarbaby fic soooo… a daddy k!nk too oops.

But in this chapter - references to verbal abuse and a neglectful mother.

Author’s note: After an accidental one month hiatus, I’m back! I’m nervous about posting this because I haven’t updated December Magic since I saw WW84. As you may have noticed, I have rebranded this fic and the name is now called ‘Sugar and Spice’! There is a slight time jump in this chapter, and it’s just a short one as I ween back into it, but I realised I was struggling so much continuing this fic after seeing WW84 because it just didn’t feel like the Max Lord we ended up with was anything like the Max Lord in this fic. This chapter is my attempt to make amends and draw a link between Sugar and Spice and WW84.

While I’m here I want to give a shout out to my new on-going Max Lord series ‘I Believe In Love’, which you can read here. I Believe In Love is like my baby and I am so so proud of it thus far. Anyways, enjoy chapter 11 of December Magic!

MASTERLIST

PREVIOUS - CHAPTER ELEVEN - NEXT

He hadn’t come home for Christmas. He hadn’t come home for two months. It was fine at first. He called you as soon as he reached London, just like he promised. He expressed to you how busy he was with work commitments and how difficult it was for him to cope with the timezones. The distance between the UK and USA was devastating. Your hour long phone calls gradually became more spread out and only lasted a few minutes, and honestly? It broke your heart. There you were; living in Lord Manor, and Maxwell had kept his word: “you want for nothing”. You had everything. His weighty black AMEX card, a house staff such as a butler and a chef and your own personal driver to take you wherever you wished to go. Any material possessions you wished for… they were yours. You weren’t even working for the privilege or the money. Max was far away and yet, he made sure you still had a home and a life, and he made sure that you were safe.

But there was still an extreme void in your heart. You were missing Maxwell. You’d try calling him but there was always a dead line. Not even Raquel would answer. You felt like you were drifting apart and your whole body ached with dread as you wondered if Max had forgotten about you. You’d kept in contact with Maxwell’s three assistants at Black Gold and they had no information on the work commitments that Max was supposedly seeing too. The romance you had shared during December may have been a whirlwind, but you knew him better than any other person on the planet and you felt like he was deliberately avoiding you.

There was something not right.

***

“Kitty!” Maxwell cried, his cheeks burning red and his eyes flicking with bewilderment as the child was thrust into his arms. A ghost from his past. Kitty was an ex lover of Maxwell’s, and honestly one of many. He hadn’t thought about her in years.

“I’ve brought him up for the past six years, he’s your problem now!” Kitty spat, an evil smirk crossing her lips. “I see you on the television with all your fame and fortune, if you don’t want him then the least you can do is pay a nanny to watch him. I have nothing Max. A shitty little apartment in the east of London. I’m working for a modelling internship but it’s hard to find luck when I’ve got a six year old kid dragging my heels behind.”

“Dragging your heels?” Maxwell repeated, furiosity burning his lungs. “He’s your son for Christ sake! How can you say that? Right in front of him!”

Maxwell turned back to the child who was standing as still as ever in the centre of the hotel room, nervously looking at his feet. Everytime Kitty raised her voice, the boy winced, and it crushed Max. This situation was all too familiar to him.

“He’s your son too!” Kitty glared, her face just as cold as her heart. “I want nothing to do with him. Goodbye.” Kitty said, her voice venomous, before leaving the hotel room and slamming the door behind her.

Maxwell’s knees felt weak and wobbly and he stumbled to his bed, sinking down with an exasperated sigh. Max’s hands cradled his own face and he blinked away unshed tears before sitting back up and looking at the six year old boy. The boy was silent, and his dark eyes matched the sadness of his father’s. How could this have happened?

Maxwell Lord had a son.

Max didn’t know what to say. What could he possibly say? He remembered doing work in London back in 1977; it was the start of his big break, and his bachelor persona hadn’t changed much since then. When Kitty found out Maxwell was back in London, she used it as her one final chance to track him down. Turns out, a big name CEO such as Max Lord was hard to get a hold of, especially when he lived on the other side of the world. Kitty never had pure intentions. Of course the pregnancy was unplanned and the sad reality was, Alistair was unwanted by his mother. Kitty was an aspiring model, fueled by ambition and goal, much like Maxwell. She didn’t have a single maternal instinct in her. Only there was a significant difference between Alistair’s parents. Whilst Kitty cared so little about her son, Maxwell knew that from this day forward, Alistair would be his top priority. He would never let his job intervene with his son. He wouldn’t make the same mistakes his own parents did.

Maxwell never thought about children, or considered bringing any into the world. He told himself he’d never want to be a father. He had such a terrible upbringing himself and his mother was wicked, he’d be too afraid. He’d never want to hurt or disappoint a potential child of his the way his own parents had hurt and disappointed him. But when he looked into his son’s eyes he felt nothing but determination. He’d been an absent father and that was not okay. Max just wished he’d known about his son before now. But it’s not like he could turn back time. Max knew he had to make amends and he knew he had to do it now.

Maxwell opened his arms and held Alistair’s hands, bringing him close and holding him tight against his chest. “My son,” he whispered, trying to refrain from crying. “I love you so much. I know you don’t know me, but you will, and I will spend the rest of my life making you proud. You are my everything.”

“You saved me daddy,” Alistair whimpered, tears spilling and dampening his father’s pinstripe shirt. “Thank you.”

***

You waited every day for Maxwell to return, but you never expected him. You were laying on the living room sofa, a blanket wrapped around you, half asleep as the muse from the television drowned out your thoughts. When you heard the lock on the front door click open, you thought you were dreaming. There was no way. No way. Footsteps. Hell, there was more chance of an intruder than it was Max. You rubbed your eyes and cautiously rose to your feet.

Your heart sank when he entered the room. It was him. He was home. Tears filled your eyes and you couldn’t hide the excited grin that painted your lips. “Oh my god Max!” you squealed, running up to him. He looked tired, but he was smiling too. You were inclined to run into his arms, but your focus on his face left you without realizing the small sleeping child he was carrying in his arms.

You blinked in confusion, your gaze flicking between Maxwell and the boy. “This is Alistair, my son.” Maxwell informed you, his voice hoarse and low. At the mention of his name Alistair stirred in his sleep and Maxwell immediately, on instinct, shushed him.

“You-what?” You were speechless. You knew something was wrong the second Max had distanced himself. The second the phone calls had stopped and he hadn’t come home. You knew something was wrong when his assistants said his work schedule was clear. But never in a million years did you expect your sugar daddy to come home with a son.

“I didn’t know,” Max whispered in avoidance to wake up Alistair. “It’s a long story but I promise I’ll tell you everything. I’m sorry I didn’t come home for Christmas like I promised. I’m so sorry baby. I’ll make up for it.”

You couldn’t even gather words. You swallowed the hard lump in your throat and contemplated everything. You sighed. You believed Max - how could you not? Of course, you were very interested in learning all about his secret son but you supposed that didn’t matter too much right now. All that mattered is that Max was home, and safe. You smiled and rested your hand on Alistair’s forehead, brushing his straight black hair out of his face. Alistair smiled sleepily under your touch. Max’s cheeks grew warm with admiration as you comforted his son. It meant a lot to him that you took a liking to Alistair and that you accepted the fact Alistair was in his life now, and nothing would change that.

After all, Max Lord was still hopelessly devoted and in love with you.

“Come on,” you whispered, bringing your hand up to cup Maxwell’s face. You brushed your thumb over the height of his cheekbone and Max found himself subconsciously leaning into your touch. “Let’s take him to bed and go to bed ourselves. We clearly have a lot to catch up on.”

Max nodded his head in affirmation and you followed him upstairs. He took Alistair to a guest bedroom and gently tucked him under the blankets, pressing a caring kiss into his son’s forehead before turning back to you. As you watched his gentle actions, it was like you were witnessing a whole new side to Maxwell. And it was beautiful.

Sugar and Spice taglist: @100layersofdaddyissues @mrschiltoncat @honeymandos @thisisthe-wayson @this-cat-is-dea @blonde2bomshell @maiyaaaa0130 @autumnleaves1991-blog @justanotherblonde23 @softly-sad @laaadygisbooornex3 @kaelyn-lobrutto24 @drinkingwhileblogging @kesskirata @honestlystop

Permanent taglist: @paintballkid711 @supernaturalgirl @phoenixhalliwell @ah-callie @luvzoria @stardust-galaxies @wickedfrsgrl @goth-topic @nerdypinupcrystal @wonderfulfluffer @kiwi-the-first @pedroepascal @castiel-barnes @honeymandos @rocketqueen @ladycumberbatchofcamelot @dybalalover10 @girl-obsessed-with-things @elena-myth @moth-guillotine @pedro-pascal-love @hayley-the-comet @pinkninja190 @maxiarapamaya @autumnleaves1991-blog @artsymaddie @harrys-stan @kennedywxlsh @cripplingmoon @cheekygeek05 @mrschiltoncat

#maxwell lord #maxwell lord x reader #max lord x reader #max lord #pedro pascal #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal smut #jose pedro balmaceda pascal #ww84 #max lord series #maxwell lord series

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decaffeinatedartisthug · 4 years ago

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Pro-tips for baby artists

At the beginning of your artistic journey, everything feels confusing. You just have a colossal amount of ideas but you don’t know how to put them down. It doesn’t matter if you’re a painter or a digital artist, the question is still the same: “why does it have to be so damn difficult?!” On one hand, this question proves that you are maturing, as most baby artists tend to - and it’s perfectly normal! - feel like they are doing everything correctly, to ralise at the end that their ideas might be too many and too unorganised.

On the other, this problem can be resolved in various ways, that most artists learn with experience, but that I want to share with you in this post.

1. References, not copies: What I used to do, and I see a lot of baby artists making the same mistake as me, is basically coping others’ art. With this, I’m not saying that you can’t use references or you mustn’t do “draw in your artstyle” challenges, as it’s VERY important that artists know that references are important, photos and art pieces both. What I want to say, is that taking an artwork and completely coping every single detail in it blocks your creativity and your ability to follow anatomic structures in a real references. Using others’ artwork helps you when you “steal” from the other artist some techniques, like how they colour, how they draw bodies, or what kind of references they use.

2. Instagram account: if you are a beginner artist who was born in the internet era, one of the first things that come to your mind when you start improving with your artistic skills, is that you have to open an Instagram account where you post your art pieces. Sometimes, this helps artists to stay committed to their passion, but most of the time the result is the opposite. When you are in the first stages to become an artist, you have the possibility to be creative and do what you want with your art. If your sketchbook isn’t “aesthetically pleasing” it doesn’t matter, as only you and your friends are going to see it! You can experiment with new artforms and artstyles without judgement or deadlines. Now, I don’t want to say that opening an online art account ruins this, but having an art account certantly requires very thick skin - as we all know that on the internet people feel like they always know best - and costant care and precision, which sometimes dulls the positivity that making art normally brings.

3. Art supplies: One of the most popular phrases used by creators is “the art supply doesn’t make the artist”, which is completely true, but not quite accurate. Expensive art supplies won’t make your art any better, and they won’t make your work any easier, but using correct art supplies is very important. Spending 200$ for an art supply that you won’t be using is not worth it (a.k.a. me with brandy oil pastels that I refuse to use because it’s too difficult), but buying some, for example, inking pens at a fair price will help you improve. You have to experiment to know what works out for you or not, so using only a normal pencil won’t help you with your sperimentation and, automatically, your artistic growth. So spend money, but spend it with conscience.

4. OCs: If you don’t know, OC stands for Original Character, and it’s a common thing between a lot of artist to create an OC with their own personalities. Here’s my tip on them: USE THEM. They are extremely helpful for your creativity and for your anatomic studies. An OC provides the perfect opportunity to draw and learn through something you enjoy. By drawing the OC, your art skills will improve with ease, as you will be drawing them in different situations, expressions and poses. Apart from this, even only the part of the conception of the character will help you to organize and choose your ideas!

5. Experiment: As a beginner artist, I always thought that when you begin your artistic journey, you have to be sure of what “type” of artist you are going to be. Guess what? I was wrong, so very wrong. Let your curiosity get the best out of you: you want to give sculpting a try? Go for it! You want to pass to digital art instead of traditional? Awsome! Art is expressed in millions of forms, you just have to descover what you like best, but to find them, you have to try as many as possible. It doesn’t matter if you fail: it’s normal. Errors make the journey more interesting, and they make you want to be better the next time!

#art #artist #women artists #artists on tumblr #baby artist #artwork #artworld #tips #art tips #draw #drawing #sketch #drawing tips #art meme #how to #tutorial #artist tips

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aropodcasting · 5 years ago

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The Fabled A-spec Post I Keep Saying I’ll Make

Since I’m p aro on sideblog + community terms are unknown to people outside the community (as well as those inside the community due to the wipeout exclusionism on the website circa 2016-onward) so I figured I’d make a quick post to let people know abt some of the things I’ll be referring to!

Terms

Allo: someone who is not a-spec; used in front of -romantic or -sexual (ex. alloromantic) or used as a descriptor (ex. I cannot believe everyone else here is allo)

A-spec / Aro-spec / Ace-spec: abbreviation for the spectrum; A-spec as an abbreviation for the entire spectrum, aro-spec as an abbreviation for the aro spectrum, and ace-spec as an abbreviation for the ace spectrum

-> a note: can be written as a-spec or aspec, but due to screen readers/ what I’ve seen dyslexic a-spec people discuss, I use a-spec. I am not dyslexic nor use a screen reader, so I cannot comment on this, and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong

Qpr/ qpp: queerplatonic relationship/ quasiplatonic relatonship; queerplatonic partner/ quasiplatonic partner. Qprs do not have a strict set of rules, and as such are hard to describe. They are not romantic nor sexual inherently, though one could be. A qpr can be committed, married, and non-romantic/ non-sexual; they can look like a romantic relationship; they can include sex and sexual elements; they can appear casual; they can be monogamous or polyamorous; they can occur at the same time as a romantic relationship. They’re very moldable. They are a relationship that, as it comes from the aro community, is not inherently romantic, but goes above and beyond traditional societal norms for friendship (though, friends can do everything a qpr does and not be in a relationship labeled as other than friends). To get a better understanding of qprs, I’d suggest looking into community resources and finding other posts a-spec blogs have made about them. AUREA, or aromantism.org, defines them as “A committed non-romantic relationship that goes beyond what is the subjective cultural norm for a friendship. Levels of intimacy and/or behaviors between the partners involved often don’t fit the conventional standards set by society. Some QPRs can include sex and elements that are generally considered romantic. In practice every queerplatonic relationship is different. Abbreviated to QPR, and queerplatonic (quasiplatonic) partner to QPP.”

Squish: a catch-all term for non-romantic and non-sexual attraction; commonly mistaken for a crush

-> a note: there are many other words for different types of attraction (plush for queerplatonic attraction, swish for aesthetic attraction, etc) but squish is a catch-all and used most often

Peach Fuzz: a qpr that pretends to be romantic/ dating for any reason

Zucchini: an old term that became uncommon after exclusionism became widespread; another way to refer to your partner in a QPR (ex. This is my zucchini!)

Amatonormitivity: The assumption that everyone is looking for a long-term romantic relationship; the assumption that romance, marriage, ‘partnering off’, etc, is the only path someone would want to follow in their life

Queerplatonic / quasiplatonic: an attraction that is ‘non traditional’ and not romantic or sexual. A hard to define attraction that is different than platonic attraction but not romantic or sexual

Aplatonic: Someone who does not experience platonic attraction; also a spectrum called the aplspectrum; can be used as an identifier (ex. demiplatonic, greyplatonic, etc)

SAM: the split attraction model, which serves to split types of attraction (ex. aroromantic and bisexual as two different terms used at the same time)

Non-SAM aro, ace, etc: commonly used as Non-SAM aro. People who don’t use the split attraction model (ex. only identifying as aro/ terms related to aro and not ace/ allosexual)

Oriented aroace: a term for people who are aroace who experience another type of attraction larger enough to label it (ex. Lesbian aroace, pan aroace, etc)

Angled aroace: a term for people who are on the a-spectrum (grey, demi, akoi, etc) and who experience a type of attraction that is not romantic or sexual, and feels significant enough for them to label it (ex. see above, angled omni aroace, angled gay aroace, etc)

Relationship anarchy: the belief that no relationship is better than another; instead of a pyramid of relationships, they’re all equal. Not specific to the community, but often discussed

Romance/ sex repulsed/ averse: someone who does not want romance/ sexual relationships/ actions taken towards them. This can go from feeling uncomfortable to getting triggered by these actions. One can be romance repulsed and not sex repulsed, or sex repulsed and not romance repulsed, or both

R/s indifferent: someone who does not care one way or the other about romance and/or sexual actions taken towards them. One might be unwilling to do romantic/sexual actions because they don’t care, or, on the other end of the spectrum, might do them anyway even though they do not feel any real want to. On a spectrum and can apply in any combination, like r/s repulsed.

R/s favorable: someone who likes romantic/ sexual actions and wants to do them. Again, on a spectrum, and in any combination, like the two above. They might seek out romantic/ sexual interactions, enjoy them, and want a romantic/ sexual relationship, despite not feeling romantic/ sexual attraction

-> a note: be careful! Sex negative and sex positive are used to refer to whether you support those who are sexual or not (ie. sex workers, those who are in sexual relationships, etc) instead of whether you specifically feel repulsed/ favorable. Don’t mix the terms up, as they mean two different things

Voidpunk: a section of punk morals/ aesthetic not unique to the aro community but coined in it. The practice of rejecting ones humanity and reclaiming their inhumanity, specifically only to be used by groups that people use inhuman against; a way to cope with dehumanization from oppressors. Not specific to the aro community (also used by poc, neurodivergent people, etc, and the intersection of multiple identities that are called ‘inhuman’) but popular inside it

Soft Romo: a term used for anyone but most often on the aro-spectrum; for people who like to perform stereotypical ‘romantic’ gestures such as dating, etc. without wanting the high-energy kissing, holding hands, etc. A ‘low-level romantic relationship’, where performing high-level romance is not preferred or just not possible due to different aspects.

-> let me know if there’s anything you would like me to add/ explain!

Symbols

[ID: an image of two hands, palm up. The right hand is on the left, and the left hand is on the right. They are resting on a dark grey blanket, and there is a light blue rug behind them. On the middle finger of the right hand there is a black ring. On the middle finger of the left hand there is a white, almost transparent, ring. End ID]

Black ring: a symbol of the ace-spec community. Worn on the right hand, middle finger. A way of identification/ pride in public w/o displaying flags

White ring: a symbol of the aro-spec community. Worn on the left hand, middle finger. A way of identification/ pride in public w/o displaying flags

Cake: a symbol commonly used in the ace community, either as a joke (ex. This cake is better than sex!/ Cake will always be better than sex) or as a symbol

Arrow: a symbol commonly used in the aro community, drawing on the way the words ‘arrow’ and ‘aro’ sound the same. Similar themes (archers, bow and arrow, etc) can also be used

Ace card symbol: the ace of a card deck, commonly used as a symbol in the ace community. While the card usage isn’t often discussed, I’ve found sources discussing each meaning; Ace of hearts-> alloace; Ace of spades-> aroace; Ace of diamonds-> the ace spectrum Ace of clubs-> questioning. Draws on ‘ace’ and ‘ace’ word play; also used in jokes (ex. I have an ace up my sleeve/ Aced it!)

Yellow roses: a symbol commonly used in the aro community. Symbolizes friendship, using the symbolism in the yellow rose

Purple/ Green: the colors in the ace / aro flags, respectively

Yellow: the ‘color of friendship’. Commonly connected to yellow roses.

-> a note: there are many more symbols in each community; space ace, frogs for aros, griffins, dragons, etc. I’d suggest looking up symbols and finding some more yourself! These are just some common ones I have seen frequently

That’s all I can think of right now, but if anyone would like me to add on things / explain more my ask box is always open and I am always willing to edit. People in the a-spec community, please feel free to comment/ correct things/ add on things you feel like I’ve missed! While I did not do a list of identities, I did not want to leave out identities that are lesser known/ made fun of. Again, my ask box is open. I linked AUREA (linked to the FAQ) above earlier (linked to the home page), which is a great site for the aro community if anyone would like to know more.

#a spec wiggenstaffz #shiny's stone of farspeech #I’m dropping this post then disappearing my head is like wowoowwwhhauuughhhahahhh #let me know if y have any questions + corrections!#this ofc is ok to rn #rb*#much of this relates back to my thundermen but qpps n rainer hcs don’t test me I have the power

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motherwasapapafucker · 4 years ago

Note

You've obviously spoke about the Ghost as a Superman figure within the larger context of Doctor Who but do you think the opposite is possible? A Doctor-like figure within a larger superhero setting?

There's been a couple of attempts, never quite as....jarring as the Ghost but that’s pretty much down to mad scientists and time travel being far more commonplace in superhero settings than overtly super-heroic figures are in Who. To the point the handful of times Who has played with that (Conundrum, Starfall, The Return of Doctor Mysterio) all draw at least some of their story out of the jarring presence of a superhero figure within the narrative. There’s a really nice sequence in Conundrum where the Doctor “explains” the presence of the superpowered figures in a way that reads like he’s as much kidding himself because he would like to think it’s possible as genuinely trying to explain how these people have gained their abilities. Which really feels like a deliberate building on “I wish...I wish I believed in wishing wells” given how Conundrum plays out. There’s obviously the conflation of Captain Britain’s Merlin and Who’s Merlin a couple of times, but that’s really overstated even if only in terms of Britain’s Merlin functionally different beast to the point any doctor connection is largely a minor detail as any attempt at creating a Doctor-like figure. I think then, when it comes to your Doctor-like figure the big thing that would distinguish them from other standard mad scientists and science heroes is the face changing, and basically none of your overtly doctor-influenced characters actually do anything with? Your big one in a standard setting is Professor Gamble in Power Man and Iron Fist #79, who really stands out in terms of being the only doctor-lite comic figure overtly building on Classic Who rather than Cultural Juggernaut David Tennant Doctor Who. Some overlap with Dr. Mysterio’s use of the Ghost in the conflation of the real and fictional but in very different directions; Gamble writing a fictitious account of his own life, dreadlox a fictitious account of the Incinerators. Gamble’s personal Dalek-stand in born of rogue temporal cleaning devices that have decided destroying space and time is the only way to clean everything. Where the overlap falls apart is the fact that Power Man and Iron Fist is arguably a far more flexible book at that point in its history than Who is by the point of Doctor Mysterio. So #79 is less of an out of genre moment so much as just more weird shit happening to Danny and Luke. As far as I know Gamble has popped up here and there since then, and is one of a fairly sizable amount of Who references across Marvel/Marvel UK (Yeah yeah we all know about Death’s Head, W.H.O. and aw that pish) The other big, very very direct and direct to Cultural Juggernaut David Teannant Doctor Who is...weirdly…Qubit in Irredeemable. Which is barely relevant to this question because it’s really not a standard superhero setting beyond the superficial, but bares some comment given it’s arguably the most prominent of recent takes and really hard to ignore how much he’s just David Tennant with a James from Twin Peaks forehead and LEGION hair. Also worth commenting on how fucking strange his entire role in the arse end of Irredeeamble is given the final 20 or so issues largely devolve into “The Tenth Doctor fights Evil Superman.” Given how little that aspect is remarked upon, and how incongruous it is with the broader attempt at presenting an Evil Superman story that gradually pairs back to show that the character’s never really been evil superman because for him to have that “turn” you basically have to have it be the tip of an iceberg that sketches back decades and ultimate reveals the character was never really Superman in any way beyond the iconographic. So the fact that happens while he’s fighting David Tennant is really strange, though I do like so much of that spilling out of the Plutonian forcing Quibit into one of those big, painful NuWho moral decisions, but I really struggle to care about Irredeemable beyond thinking Incorruptible was generally the stronger book towards the end. You’ve also got things like the Allred/Slott Silver Surfer that overtly drew influence from contemporary

Doctor Who, but it’s building on an already distinctive character so it can never really function as a direct one for one. I know, vaguely, that Ben 10 had a Doctor Who figure. But having never watched the show I’m not sure how he appears within the show and tbh I don’t care enough to look into it. I suppose the thing is that Doctor-lite easily slides into a superhero setting without losing too much and without drawing too much attention to the homage while someone like the Ghost is, by basic nature, designed to be at least somewhat strange within the larger normality of the show’s present day. The closest point of comparison I can think of is something like Silver Sentry in TMNT; There’s really nothing in TMNT or Doctor WHo that precludes the existence of “proper” superheroes, nether show is exactly the height of realism but the sudden introduction of basically superman presents a fundamental shift in their respective idiosyncrasies. I imagine people would be tempted to draw a comparison between the Milligan Shade the Changing Man revamp under Vertigo and Who, and given it’s MIlligan I’m sure there was some influence their even if only in terms of an English-coded otherworldly figure who undergoes startling changes across the run, but tbh it’s basically a passing resemblance and kinda overlooks the fact that Shade kinda hilariously preempts a lot of where Who as a franchise goes during the 90s and 2000s. It’s presentation of Shade’s changes as far-more psychologically damaging than classic who’s regeneration compared to some overlap with how NuWho treats the event particularly, but also in terms of the EDAs there’s a fairly notable arc where Shade gives up his heart to cope with a torrent of emotional loss and devastated worlds. Make of that what you will. I still haven’t answered the fucking question have I, right since you’ve asked me you’re going to get my shite, because here’s how I’d do it. There’s only one way really, one word Metalek Because the fucking rule don’t they? Morrison’s first, best Dalek-homage. The Xenoformers from Galaxy X, sentient construction vehicles serving masters that no longer exist. Terraforming the Galaxy one world at a time. Bow before Metalek. So yeah, those guys exist and they’re fucking great. I have...more thoughts than I’d like to admit about the “Metalek Empire” that’s really just self-indulgent pish. But that’s DC comics. So they exist, and they present what’s probably the best approach to a Doctor-alike in a superhero setting. In the same way the Ghost might as well be Superman in a setting where he isn’t the soul focus, you’re Doctor Who figure might as well just be Doctor Who in a setting where, building on the fact the key elements aren’t that notable, they really don’t stand out that much, so what then? Well he’s the mad scientist, but a good mad scientist. Counterpart to all the lunatics and madmen with their metal monsters, who is he? Who’s the grant morrison character fighting the dreaded metalek menace when they aren’t intruding on Superman’s narrative? Who spent decades trapped on earth, leading a reformed STAR Labs into a strange, wonderful new world? It’s Leo Quantum isn’t it. Basically, Leo’s one of those characters like Lan-Shin in Smashes the Klan or John Henry Irons who click perfectly into place with the larger idea of Superman’s social network. And given I’m an egotist, I’m going to do what I like with him building out of that admittedly bullshit old idea he’s future lex back to repent. If the Ghost is a version of Superman who’s world exists in the shadow of the Doctor, Leo would be a version of the Doctor that exists in the Shadow of Superman. He’s not literally Lex, he’s your Kristin Wells/Legion/DC One Million figure, possibly a future Luthor, possibly the first child of the Luthor/Kent families coming together in the far off 42nd century. A temporal adventurer who’s early experiments caused all his potential futures to crash down on top of him, transforming him into a hypertime singularity. His technicolor dreamcoat crafted from fifth world

wondertech, regulating his body to ensure each hypertime strand gets its time in sun while keeping the darker fringes in line….most of the time. Or at least, that’s what I’d do, feel free to discard this as mental bastard bullshit.

#doctor who #comics #superman #superheroes #rambling bullshit #leo quantum #grant morrison #metaleks #irredeemable #dc comics #the ghost #the return of doctor mysterio #tmnt #silver sentry is pretty great tbh

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buckleyirondad · 4 years ago

Text

Evan Begins Again

With the help of his family, Buck learns to love himself, flaws and all - which starts with reclaiming his given name.

Read on AO3

Words: 4436

Warnings: Mentions of past Self-Hate, Brief Injury Detail (on a call)

It starts with Eddie, but these things usually do.

Buck wishes he could be like Eddie, somebody who can freely speak his mind without fearing the fall.

When Eddie has something to say, he makes Buck listen, even if it's not something he wants to hear.

Discovering that he would become Christopher's legal guardian if his best friend dies prematurely was unexpected, but Buck welcomes it.

The lengths he is willing to go for Christopher are infinite; he loves that kid like his own.

Strangely, that part of the conversation isn't what stuck or what keeps him up at night.

Being told that he's not expendable with such certainty, after a lifetime of believing that's all he is, has put his mind in a spin.

Maddie's told him that before, so has Bobby, Athena, Hen, Chimney, Albert, Taylor - everybody he cares about has, at one point, has told him that he's worth fighting for.

That wasn't anything new, but it's the way Eddie went about saying it, "Because, Evan, you came in here the other day, and you said you thought it would have been better if it had been you who was shot. You act like you're expendable. But you're wrong."

Evan.

Buck hates when people use his given name - well, at least he thought he did.

Hate wouldn't explain the warmth that spread across his chest when Eddie spoke his name, with just the right amount of love, with an unmistakable tinge of sass.

Aside from Maddie, whenever anybody says his name, he recoils like he's been burnt. He remembers his childhood, being reprimanded by his parents for his reckless behavior or called out by his teachers.

Whenever 'Evan' is used in a sentence, it isn't usually followed by words of affirmation.

Even with Maddie, she's adapted to using 'Buck' when she's proud of him or telling him how much she loves him. Emotions are high whenever she says, 'Evan,' like when he learned about Daniel.

"Evan, please don't leave. Just talk to me."

He talks to Dr. Copeland, and it's almost too easy for her to identify the problem.

'Buck' is meant to be a nickname, but it's bigger than that; it's a shield, a smokescreen, an excuse to hide his true feelings.

He separates himself into two; Buck gets to live while Evan suffers the weight of his hardships.

He can't keep doing that.

He has to face this problem, learn to love every piece of himself, even if it hurts.

If he doesn't, it will kill him.

Because one day, and soon, he'll become tired of 'Buck.'

The same way he did with Evan, then he'll be well and truly lost.

Things need to change.

***

It's a slow day, nobody's said anything to jinx that, yet, but the night is still young.

Athena has a day off; she's popped over like most Wednesdays, having helped Bobby with dinner.

Maddie surprises them all, dropping by with an excitable Jee-Yun.

Eddie and Chimney carry the stroller up the stairs while she holds Jee-Yun on her hip.

Taking his niece into his arms, Buck asks his sister, "How are you?"

The light in her eyes is brighter than the last time he saw her, "I'm better."

Buck sports his lopsided grin, "Good."

Jee-Yun jumps from person to person, delighted to be surrounded by her favorite people.

They settle on the couches; Jee-Yun stops on Maddie's lab, hit by the tired stick.

Buck sits, sandwiched between Bobby and Athena.

Maddie relaxes into the recliner while Chim perches on the chair's arm as he converses with Hen.

Hen and Eddie share a couch but have claimed separate ends; she sits nearer Chimney, busy discussing kindergarten admissions, which Buck can't believe, Jee-Yun's barely one.

Eddie is at the other end, listening to one of Athena's work stories.

Buck knows he should be involved, but he's lost track of where they were.

Everybody's conversations reach their natural ends - Buck leans in.

"Hey," He croaks - that's odd, his throat is tight, and he didn't realize.

All eyes are on him.

He fumbles with his fingers, "Can I ask you all something?"

Chimney shuffles forward, "Of course."

"Is everything okay?" Hen asks, eyes tracing over him.

Buck dips his head, "Yeah."

Athena takes his hand, "It doesn't sound it."

He insists, "Everything's fine."

"So," Eddie speaks gently, "What's up?"

Buck wonders if Eddie will catch on and understand that everything is changing because he is the first person in years, to remind Evan that he is worthy of love.

He clears his throat, "I want you to call me 'Evan.'"

The request is met by silence and pinched expressions of confusion.

"I'm still Buck," He blurts, "That's my nickname, always gonna be, but I was hoping that we could, like, switch between the two?"

"Okay," Bobby is cautiously gentle, "We can do that."

"It might take some adjustment time," Hen adds, "But of course, we can."

A weight shifts, "Cool, thanks."

"So, what's with the change?" Chimney asks, "I thought you hated your name?"

"I thought I did," He nervously rubs the nape of his neck, and his leg begins to bounce.

"Hey," Maddie sits up, startled, "You don't have to explain-"

Buck shakes his head, "You guys need to hear this."

Bobby presses his hand to Buck's knee, attempting to ease him.

"Talking with Dr. Copeland, I realized that in becoming Buck, I was trying to forget everything that came before," Buck explains, "It should just be a nickname, but it's not - it's a coping mechanism."

He locks eyes with a tearful Maddie, but she smiles with a nod, urging him to go on.

It's once in a blue moon when Buck opens up about how he's feeling.

"I can pretend that every bad thing that happened to me as Evan never happened," He continues, "Shitty childhood, bad friends, and Daniel..."

Everybody shifts uncomfortably on that note, especially Maddie, who draws her daughter closer to her chest.

Buck lifts his shoulders in a shrug, "But it doesn't work like that."

"No, it doesn't," Maddie speaks, quiet, "Those things leave a scar, Evan."

Hen speaks up, "An open one."

"I've never hated my name," Evan's lower lip trembles, "I hated me."

He expects pity or concerned gasps, but instead, he's offered understanding nods and intense gazes filled with love.

"I separate 'Evan' and 'Buck,' but they're both me," He cries, "Like with Buck, I've grown, changed for the better, have the family I've always wanted," Tears spill down his cheeks, "But Evan is buried, and I need to find me, again."

Maddie asks, "Because you feel loved as Buck but forgotten as Evan?"

He nods, "Yeah."

"Evan," Hen cries, her eyes wet with tears, "We love you completely."

Athena's gentle fingers grasp Evan's chin, her mouth curls into a smile, as tears freely fall, "Without a single string attached."

Buck breaths, "You promise?"

"We promise," Bobby reassures fast.

With a strangled sob, Evan crumbles, his shoulders sagging.

Bobby dives, collecting him in his arms.

Athena combs her hand through his hair.

Everybody moves, crowding him, in a hug.

Eddie kneels, gripping onto Evan's knee with all his strength, wrapping his arm around Hen, crouched beside him.

Hen grips onto Buck's forearm, her stance protective.

Chimney stands behind, hands resting on Buck's trembling shoulders.

Maddie takes the space beside Hen, taking Evan's hand, while she balances a half-asleep, confused, Jee-Yun on her knee.

Eddie speaks - his tone strong, "You're going to be okay, Evan."

***

It takes a month for the change to stick without the aura of awkwardness.

It is easy to get tongue-tied - in the beginning, there were many 'Buc-vans' and 'Ev-uk's,' but, at least he knew, they were trying.

After a couple of false starts, interchanging between 'Evan' and 'Buck' is set to stay.

Evan is sure that he's never been happier.

He stops over for dinner at Bobby and Athena's on Thursday nights.

While they're washing up, he gathers his shoes, slipping them on; he tries to be quiet, considering May's already in bed.

It's nearing midnight; he doesn't want to overstay his welcome.

"I better head home," Buck whispers, "Early start tomorrow."

"We have a free bed, you know?" Athena asks, gathering empty glasses off the dinner table, "Since Harry's with Michael."

"I wouldn't wanna intrude," He bends to do his laces

"Buckaroo, we invited you, remember?" Athena tells him, "Your apartment is almost an hour away—time you could spend sleeping."

Buck stops what he is doing and sighs with a grin; he knows exactly where this is heading.

"We're heading into a twenty-four shift, Evan," Bobby speaks warmly, "We'd feel better if you stayed."

Buck slips off his shoes, "I'll stay."

Athena shoots a smile in Bobby's direction, "There should be some pajamas for you in the drawers, the second row down," She instructs, "Your toothbrush is in the medicine cabinet."

"Thank you," Evan skips up the stairs, "Goodnight."

***

The following morning, Buck is woken by his seasonal allergies.

He's survived a truck explosion, a pulmonary embolism, and a tsunami, but hayfever still sucks.

He snags an antihistamine from their medicine cabinet and creeps into the kitchen, careful not to make any noise.

May's left for work - there's a note on the table explaining that she'll be late home as she's checking out her new apartment with Michael.

Buck's downing his second glass of water when Athena steps out of her bedroom, "Buck?" She questions, "You're up early."

Evan rubs his eyes, "Allergies."

Athena rests a hand on his back as she opens the fridge door, "You need an antihistamine?" He asks, "May's a sufferer too, so we're stocked up."

"I took one," He smiles - uncertain, "Sorry, I didn't ask."

Athena fixes him with her parental glare as she tuts with a laugh, "Evan, you don't have to ask," She assures, "This is your home too."

Evan stares at her, mouth dropping open, "Thanks."

His mother's words ring in his head; You're under our roof, Evan, so you have to respect our rules.

Growing up, his parents never once referred to their house as his home.

Athena pats his arm, "Come on, you're helping me with breakfast."

"Of course," He claps his hands together, "Where do you need me?"

***

Being called 'Evan' again by those he trusts is second nature, almost like things have never been any different.

Buck struggles to see the floor as he heads into May's new apartment, box in his arms, "Hey, May," He calls, "This box isn't labeled."

She rolls her eyes, "It is, but Dad covered it with tape," She tries to peel the corners off, "Again."

Michael defends, "I'm cautious."

"And I'll be spending the next two weeks trying to cut free my possessions," May taunts; she taps the top of the box, "Bedroom."

Buck nods, "Gotcha."

She smiles, "Thanks, Ev."

Warmth spreads over Evan's chest, he smiles, hanging his head; well and truly caught up in the euphoria of acceptance.

His pseudo-sister was the first to try 'Ev.'

It works. Buck loves it.

"Buck, can you help me in the kitchen when you're done?" Athena calls, "I'm gonna your help with these latches."

"Sure!" He places the box on the floor and turns into the kitchen.

Chimney, who is in the middle of constructing a bookshelf with David, turns, "Oh no, brace yourself," He taunts, "Fire Marshall Buckley is back!"

Buck remains straight-faced, "Ha."

"Why do I need these, Mom?" May quizzes, "I'm not a kid."

"We have around ten thousand earthquakes a year," Evan explains; he grabs the latches, "Things get broken. This is an added safety," He points to the windows, "Especially this high up."

May narrows her eyes, "So, what I'm hearing is that this was your idea, not Mom's?"

Buck nods, "I suggested it."

Athena squeezes his shoulder, "I accepted the suggestion."

May bops her head, "Oh, I see."

"Buck's got an eye for safety," Bobby praises.

Eddie walks in with May's ironing board, "Which is saying something."

Buck glares, "You're so funny."

Michael walks over, "Thank you, Evan," He says, all actively ignoring Eddie and Chimney's mischievous laughter, "Earthquakes aren't a thing I considered."

"You're not gonna remember everything," Evan holds up the latches, "If you want, I could set some of these up at your place."

"That would be wonderful."

Athena sports a fond smile, "It's like having our own personal handyman."

Buck jokes, "Well, if that's the case, you can all pay me."

***

Buck lays on his front, across Maddie and Chimney's carpeted ground, his eyes fixed on his niece.

She's busy chomping down on one of her many toys, but she stares at him with her wide brown eyes, fixated on his face, much like he is on hers.

Sometimes, even thirteen months into her life, he can't believe that his sister, and one of his closest friends, came together to make a human being.

"How can somebody be this cute?"

Maddie steps over, "Oh my, God," She laughs fondly, "She's covered in drool."

"That's fine," Buck gathers a cloth, wiping it over Jee's face, "She's still adorable, aren't you?"

Jee-Yun throws her hands in the air, "Yeah!"

"Yeah," Evan repeats, bopping her nose.

"Should I be worried about you two?" Maddie asks, sitting on the couch, "You're gonna be partners in crime."

"Just wait until we join forces with Christopher," He scoops his niece onto his knee, "It will be over for all of you."

"What is it about you, Evan?" Maddie asks, "The way she looks at you - the way everybody looks at you, it's like-"

He asks, curious, "Like what?"

"I don't know," She tilts her head, "Like you're the key to the mysteries of the universe."

He barks a laugh, "Maybe, I am."

Maddie grabs her book from the coffee table, "Chim thinks you're a trained hypnotist."

"No comment."

Maddie throws her head back with a laugh.

Buck turns to Jee, "Where's my nose?"

She reaches up, grabbing his nose.

"That's right!" He praises, "You're a genius."

Jee-Yun blabbers, "Ev-an!"

Maddie sits bolt upright, "Did she just?"

Jee-Yun knows a couple of words - Ma, Dada, No, Yes, but she's hasn't ventured any further.

Jee-Yun swings her arms around, "Evan!"

Oh, and he melts, a delighted cry catching in his throat.

His teary eyes meet Maddie's.

Every time someone utters his given name, Evan is one step closer to the light.

With Jee-Yun's soft squeal, he's out - the darkness now, a distant memory.

"Yes," He holds her up, "That's me!"

***

By Halloween, Evan barely notices the change - it goes to show how fantastic his family is.

He fishes out the insides of a pumpkin, humming 'This is Halloween' under his breath.

Hen's amused look bores into him.

He shakes his hands, "This is fun."

"How?" She laughs, "I once had my hand inside a man's chest, and somehow, this is worse."

Buck reclines his head with a laugh; he grabs a cloth, drying his hands.

"Hey, Evan!" Chimney sings from downstairs, "I need you and your abnormal height!"

"Again?!" Buck hollers back, not dropping his grin, "Chim, this is borderline exploitation!"

Hen bows her head, chuckling.

Buck hears the ladder being pulled out.

Hen raises her eyebrows, "You better go, Buck, or we'll be taking him to the emergency room."

"Oh," Buck runs, "Stop it, Chim, I'm coming!"

***

Buck's definition of a perfect weekend is spending it with the Diaz Boys - teasing Eddie endlessly and sneaking treats with Christopher, even though they both know that Eddie sees what they're doing.

Evan was apprehensive when Eddie suggested they took a trip to the carnival - rollercoasters, and crowds - reminded him too much of the calm before the tsunami.

He agrees to go - 'exposure therapy,' Eddie calls it, and Buck knows he's right.

It's okay, and they have a ton of fun.

Buck wins one too many prizes for Christopher, which Eddie ends up carrying, along with Christopher's crutches, but he doesn't complain.

It's easy to understand why Christopher wants to hold Buck's hand - he remembers the day at the Pier, too.

Knowing that the ocean is an hour away helps because at least that's not a natural disaster that could stop them in their tracks.

Thanks to the pandemic restrictions, there are fewer people, which eases the pressure further.

Sunset was almost two hours ago, and Christopher keeps yawning in-between words.

Without a second thought, Buck kneels, holding out his hands, "Here we go, buddy."

Christopher shuffles forward, tucking his face against Evan's shoulder.

Buck gathers him, letting Christopher tangle his legs around his middle before getting up, "There we go, I've got you."

Eddie smiles fondly, "We should head back to the car."

"Yeah," Buck sings, patting Christopher's back, "Which way is it?"

Eddie points, "That way, I think," He darts his head around, "Hopefully."

Buck snorts a laugh, "We'll find it, eventually."

Christopher is ten, he usually doesn't like being carried around anymore, but he settles in Buck's grasp, content.

Buck fears the day that they won't be able to scoop him up - he knows that anxiety is doubled, in Eddie's case.

"You okay with him?" Eddie whispers.

"Of course," Buck grins, "I'm legal guardian material."

Eddie scoffs a laugh, shaking his head.

"He's getting taller recently," Buck comments, "It's insane."

"Usually what happens with kids, Buck," Eddie teases.

"Ha, ha," Buck replies, monotone.

"Dad, Buck...." Christopher shushes, "I'm sleeping," He mutters.

Eddie bits his lip to conceal a laugh, "Sorry, bud."

"We'll keep it down," Buck adds, tapping his back.

Christopher tightens his arms around Evan, his head lulling on his shoulder.

"You okay there, bud?" Buck asks.

"Yeah," Christopher breaths sleepily, "You're comfy."

"Well, thank you."

Christopher goes quiet, and for a moment, Buck thinks he's fallen asleep, but then he speaks, "Love you, Evan."

Evan's breath catches sharply; he tightens his grasp, "Love you too, kid."

His family, Buck can't quite believe his luck - they're perfect, in every sense of the word.

***

Unfortunately, not every use of his given name comes at a happy time, but that would be beside the point.

'Buck,' 'Evan,' and even 'Buckaroo,' - they need to be used, freely, no matter the time of the day or what is happening. It helps; it means that he can't associate any of them with a particular emotion or trauma.

Evan scouts the roof of a decrepit apartment complex - that is, according to dispatch, set for demolition, but they've received calls about somebody being trapped on the top floor.

Time hasn't been kind to the structure, narrowing their time for a search and rescue.

So, starting from the roof and working down seems like the best bet.

Buck steps towards the door, the foundation creaks, dangerously loud under his foot.

He grabs Hen's low-hanging wrist as the roof gives way below them.

He doesn't remember what happens next.

With the dangerous nature of their jobs - Evan's name and all the possible variations are often uttered in worry.

He blurts awake with desperate rapid breaths; every ache and pain catches up with his concussed mind, "Hen?"

Hen's panicked voice cautions, "Buck don't move!"

The light is low, but he can see, despite the abundance of dust particles.

His back rests against debris; he can tell by the throbbing pain in his biceps that he didn't land in the position he was in, more likely manhandled into place.

He doesn't want to consider the time that Hen spent alone, waiting for him to wake, "Hen," He repeats - desperate.

"I'm here."

He lifts his head, "Are you hurt?"

She crawls into view, hauling her gear along with her, "I'm fine," She promises.

He traces his eyes over her - she's got a couple of scratches, but nothing too worrying, "We both fell?" He asks, confused.

"Yeah," She seems guilty, "But I was lucky."

"Why?"

She presses her fingers to his pulse point, "I had a soft landing."

"Yeah?"

"You."

"Oh," He laughs at the absurdity, "I'm an excellent crash mat."

She glares, "That's not funny."

"It kind of is," He offers her his dopiest smile, "Glad I saved you."

"Thank you," She kisses his forehead, "Now, stay awake."

His eyelids are heavy, "What about the victim?"

"Dead," She sighs.

Buck changes the subject, "What's wrong with me?"

"Broken arm," She lists, "Some blunt force trauma, and—" Her throat cracks; she can't say it.

"And?"

"Ruptured spleen," She sniffles, "I think."

Buck mutters, small, "Oh, that's not good."

She grips his hand, "All you've gotta do is stay awake, okay?"

He tries, but his eyes are heavy.

"Evan," She grabs his chin, "Please don't close your eyes."

"Hen."

"You're not dying on me," She orders, "I won't let you."

He smiles, weak, "Okay."

"I'm right here," She vows, "I'm not going anywhere."

He praises, "You're gonna be a great doctor."

"I know," She tells him, "You don't need to tell me that now, though."

"I have to, just—"

"Zip it, Buckaroo," She snaps lovingly, "We're getting out of here, you hear me? You're gonna help plan my surprise party when I graduate, and then we're gonna get drunk together."

"I'd like that."

She presses their foreheads together, "Just stay awake."

"I will."

***

Buck knows he's far too comfortable in hospitals; he is familiar with the staff and can easily snag an extra pudding at mealtimes, thanks to an older nurse who first treated him following his emergency tracheotomy and had on every subsequent visit.

Still, despite the laughs he has, he can't wait to escape - back to normality.

He folds his LAFD hoodie when Eddie swings inside, hand grasping the doorframe, "You ready?"

Buck turns his head, "Did you grab my meds?" He asks.

Eddie holds up a clear bag, "Right here."

"Thanks."

Eddie steps inside to place the medication into Buck's backpack; he then takes over, zipping up the bag.

Evan hums a laugh, "I can do that, you know?"

"I know," Eddie prods Buck's shoulder, "But we wouldn't want you to throw your stitches."

Buck perches on the bed, "Hen would kill me."

"Hen would kill us," Eddie corrects, "Mainly me."

Evan snorts, "Why?"

"I'm in charge of keeping you in line, apparently," He chuckles.

Buck hangs his head as he laughs, rubbing at the nape of his neck.

Eddie's tone turns sincere, "Are you alright?"

Buck's okay - really. The pain medication is doing its job, and he barely feels the ache in his side - what's on his mind is more complicated than that.

Eddie grips his shoulder, "Buck?" He fixes him with a concerned glance, "What's going on?"

He shrugs, "It's complicated."

Eddie sits, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I almost died," Buck lets go of a breathless laugh, "Again."

Eddie holds a hand in front of his face, failing miserably to hide a grin.

Buck's eyes widen, "What's so funny?"

"Sorry," He moves his hand away, "Just déjà vu - but last time, this was the other way around."

"It was," Buck confirms - the conversation is falling in the direction he needs it to go, "When you told me about your attorney and Christopher, I was scared. I never thought that anybody would trust me as much as you do; Christopher is your life, your everything, and I'm just me."

"You're you," Eddie repeats, softly stern, "That's why I made the decision."

Buck's shoulders sag, "I know."

"You fight for what you believe in, Buck, and you've never once stopped fighting for him," Eddie starts, "You almost killed yourself trying to find him during the tsunami," He takes a breath, "Hen told me about the well collapse; how one of the only words they could get out of you was Christopher's name. Your concern for him became your priority, even when he wasn't in any danger. I knew, then, that it was you because if I had died that day, you would have been taken away from each other, and that wouldn't have been right."

Evan's world would fall apart without Eddie, so would Christopher's - at least together, they'd have somebody to cling onto.

"If I die on this job," Eddie continues, "I'll die knowing that you two have each other."

Tears glisten in Buck's eyes, "So, that's why you changed your will."

"Yeah."

Buck settles his hands on his rocking knees.

Eddie questions, "Is there something else?"

Evan nods deliberately, "When I get hurt, Maddie can get a little short with me."

"She's afraid of losing you."

"Of course," Buck fidgets, locking his fingers together, "Maddie's lost too much. She's already had to stand by, watch our brother die, and live with the fallout. The decisions my parents made when they had me."

Eddie hisses, "Buck—"

"I know, I am wanted," He assures, "By her, by you, by the team - but this isn't about that."

Eddie's expression relaxes, glad that he doesn't have to lecture Buck on his importance again.

"It's just," Buck sighs, "Maddie latches to those she loves, and she can't let go - I wouldn't want to put her in a place where that is her only option."

Eddie brow furrows, "I'm not following."

"I'm going to make an amendment to my living will," Buck concludes, the space between each breath grows shorter.

"What amendment?"

He lowers his head, "I'm going to give you power of attorney."

Eddie's face softens, "Oh."

"Maddie has it right now," Buck scratches at his cheek, "But I've spoken to her about changing it."

Eddie's eyes widen, "You have?"

Evan nods, "It was my parents before, but they don't know me, well enough, to make the right decisions, but you do - and I know that you'd be strong enough to make them."

"Evan," Eddie meets his gaze, "I can do that, for you," He vows, "And, I understand not wanting Maddie to make those decisions, but what about Bobby?"

"I thought of Bobby, but then I remember—"

Eddie realizes, "His kids." Bobby is one of the strongest men they know, but if he was ever faced with the decision to take Buck off life support, he'd crumble under the weight of it all.

"I know this is big and that these decisions would hurt you," Evan croaks, "But I have faith that you could make them."

"I could," He confirms, "Evan, if I die, you become my son's legal guardian, and I'm sure that wasn't easy for you to process because yes, I trust you, but in that scenario, I'm dead," He lifts his shoulders in a shrug, "If you could do that, I can do this."

Evan leans, gathering his friend in his arms, "Thank you," He whispers, gripping tight, "For everything."

#911 fic #911 fanfiction #evan buckley #eddie diaz #hen wilson #maddie buckley #christopher diaz #athena grant #bobby nash #chimney han #liberty's writing

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inactivefandomblog · 4 years ago

Text

Things I noticed when I re watched Birds of prey last night

Hi all, I watched BOP for the second time last night and I wanted to write down some of the things I noticed as I had seen @wordsoflittlewisdom , Idea credit goes to them on this one. I’m aware that some of these things are not exactly new discoveries and were blatantly obvious to others, but I have ADHD and a processing delay meaning that I don't always take in all the information the first time I watch a film. For example, I had no idea Renee was gay for ages, even though they tell us she had an ex girlfriend (I think I was too busy fan Girling that Ali Wong was in the film then though to hear that bit). I have to focus more on the overall plot when I watch things the first time, but the second time I was able to scan for little details and take in more things. Without further ado, here’s what I noticed.

“Do you know what a harlequin is? A harlequin's role is to serve. It's nothing without a master. No one gives two shits who we are, beyond that.”

-When Harley is talking about Harlequinns serving their master, she is not just talking about her relationship with the Joker, but about Canary letting Roman be her master. She is saying that she felt like she was nothing without the Joker. She is also implying that Dinah feels the same about Roman, and that she shouldn't because he doesn’t actually care about her like the Joker didn’t care about her.

-THATS WHY SHE ONLY HAS ONE SHOE IN THE CHASE SCENE!!!!! SHE USED IT TO PIN DOWN THE ACCELERATOR IN THE TRUCKKKKKK!!! MYSETERY SOLVED!! ... though.. she didn’t change her shoes to a full set between then and the police chase the next day/ later on the same day. Meaning she didn't go home after that...so did she just like wander around Gotham after committing a huge crime obviously tide to her XD of course she did, she’s Harley Fucking Quinn! Either that or she passed out somewhere from being very very drunk, hopefully her apartment and not just a street or something.

-BONUS: fanfic idea: DRUNK HARLEY HAS A FUNERAL FOR HER SHOE THAT GOT BLOWN UP IN THE ACE CHEMICALS EXPLSION, WITH BRUCE AND THE BEAVER. after she leaves the crime scene. That just seems like a thing drunk Harley would do, as I imagine she loved those shoes as they were awesome..so were her sequin socks.

-The first time I watched it I didn't realise that the fireworks weren’t actually there - because that was all in Harley's head and the film is from her pov - even though we are showed that when the police arrive there are none and it's just a regular explosion. Not until I was told this was the case and realised we were literally shown this later on.

-She goes from being a Harlequinn to Harley Quinn as she becomes emancipated.

-Roman just lets Zsas grab his arms and restrain him when he’s mad, switch energy much.....also they are defo gay for each other. Zsas was acting like a jealous boyfriend when he gave Dinah even an ounce of attention. He legit told her to come back later when he just started massaging Roman’s shoulders. Roman let's Zsas rub his shoulders and comfort him, Zsas wants to protect Roman...need I go on.

- Cass’ parents are yelling about how they don't want her if you listen to what they are saying, so they’re not just fighting, they’re fighting because they wish they never adopted her. She can hear them saying all this too. This made me feel even more sad for Cass than when I thought her parents were toxic to each other in my first watch through.

- (Trigger warning: mention of domestic abuse and child abuse)

Cass’ parents didn't want her and seemed to be very hostile, its not mentioned how Cass got her cast...but I realised that it could suggest that her parents broke her arm. Which would go on to suggest that they were abusing her physically as well as emotionally. Hence why she didn’t trust people, and was so hurt when Harley betrayed her. Because when she says that she though Harley was different, she meant that she thought she could trust Harley and that Harley wouldn’t hurt her.

-Margot’s real accent comes through when she tells Canary ‘I haven't told that to anyone’ when telling her she Broke up with Joker, as well as a few other times throughout the film.

-Cassandra is quiet and not talkative in her first scene because her throat was hurting because of the diamond. That's why she coughed to try and clear it . At that point in the film we hadn’t been shown that part but it was set after it happened so it makes sense when you re watch it.

-Cassandra’s jacket has a little middle finger logo on it, which I thought really suited her character.

- Cass has ‘asshole’ written on her cast, a drawing of a gun the word ‘fuck’, the word ‘magic’ - which is probably a reference at how she does some stuff that is similar to closeup magic and uses the same magicians technique of the art of misdirection - she also has what appears to be two playing cards, one with hearts and one with diamonds. Which is most probably a reference to Harley Quinn’s whole hearts and diamonds thing she has going. Didn’t comic book Harley also have a link to those specific playing cards too? or something like that?

EDIT: THEY ARE PLAYING CARDS!! I GOT A BETTER LOOK AT THE CAST IN THE COSTUMES VIDEO.

- TW: mentions of abuse and child abuse and trauma

The whole diamonds are a girls best friend is Harley going somewhere else mentally to cope with the trauma of being abused - we see her being spanked by a nun when was younger suggesting she was abused then too, and I think it is a part of her comic book story that she was but I don't know for sure - when it flashes and Guns appear that's reality trying to seep in. She's trying to focus on the diamond and block everything else out

-I spotted what looks like a mini mallet on the wall in her kitchen that could potentially be a meat tenderiser, and if that is the case then that is a fantabulous little Easter egg type thingy. The handle looks too long to be a pot, it has a diamond pattern on it and it is next to another tool for preparing meat...so now I'm just waiting on Margot Robbie,Cathy Yan or Ella Jay Basco to Reply to my tweet and confirm it.

-Helena speaking Chinese makes me laugh for some reason, I think its her facial expression.

- Kid Helena’s crayons when she's drawing the revenge pic are all perfectly spaced and placed like her stuff in her bathroom scene. Further evidence of her perfectionism/ her liking things a specific way.

- The towel in Helena’s hotel room on the bed (seen in mirror reflection) is in the shape of a little person.

- Canary sheds a tear when Roman harasses the lady on the table, I didn't notice that before because I looked away as the scene made me really uneasy.

- Harley screws the cap on the nail polish before putting it down even though there's someone at the door after them. This made me laugh because she thinks the police is after her but still takes time to do this, which is such a Harley thing. Like when she bent down to pick up the penny when that guy was gonna kill her.

- Roman has a shirt with his face printed on it.They did a good job of using the costumes and sets to show his egomaniacal trait.

- The look of acceptance of Harley's face when she realises that no one cares about, after the last person she thought cared about her (Doc) betrayed her, is heart-breaking.

-How was Renee not injured from getting launched out the window? Even if she didn't fall all the way to the ground and landed on the top of the entrance bit, she’d still be injured.

-WHERE DOES HUNTRESSS STORE ALLL THOSE ARROWWWSSSSS????? SHE FIRED SO MMAANNNNYYY! I DIDN’T SEE A QUIIIIVVVER OR ANYTHING. I guess she just stores them in sub space along with her hammer¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-Also I think I figured out what the chain is for, at first I thought it was for the crossbow to attach to. Then I though not as she leaves the crossbow on the floor by itself in the funhouse fight scene, but then I think I saw it attached to it..so I think she can just disconnect it when need be. Plus it just looks cool.

-Alllssoo, she toooottallly checked out Dinah! HELENA IS DEFO GAYYYY! she has big useless lesbian vibes. They really knew who their target audience was when they made Helena look so stunning and badass. The producers really said ‘hello LGBTQ+ community’ (hopefully y’all know that tiktok audio or that wont make much sense) Also, if you don't believe me, I have a gif of her doing it on my blog. So there’s no denying it.

-Why were the lights on in the funhouse if it was abandoned?? Maybe its just more Harley vision? but the carousel was rotating too...

Anyway that's everything I noticed, thanks for reading if you made it this far, and even if you didn’t...you wont see this then but still. Thank y’all .

#harley quinn #birds of prey and the fantabulous emancipation of one harley quinn #birds of gay #birds of prey #dc #movie #dinah lance #huntress #black canary #renee montoya #dinah x helena #cassandra cain #victor zsaz #roman sionis

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